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Zhou Kai was born in 1990 in Leshan , Sichuan province , and works in TV . In 2012 , he sent a story to Ou Ning , the founder and editor of the magazine Chutzpah . Ou Ning immediately published it , describing Zhou as a most exciting and talented new writer . Ou Ning has written an appreciation of Zhou Kai especially for Paper Republic : When I first read 《 阴阳人甲乙卷 》／ " Yin - Yang People : A Tale in Two Parts " , a short story sent to me by Zhou Kai which had been rejected by several other magazines , I was struck by this young writer 's intelligence . The story had an extraordinary boldness and showed a maturity far beyond his years . . . Soon afterwards , Zhou Kai started writing his first novel . When he sent me the first chapter ( 《 盲无正 》/ " Hopelessly Blind " ) , I saw a dramatic change in his style . This is a surreal fable , set in no particular time or place ; Blind Village is a wild place , a village of illusion , whose inhabitants are alive merely in the simple biological sense . The village elders are blind , their progeny have gradually evolved to see the light , but all are plunged into total darkness for a period when the sun disappears . This story is about the extraordinary things they do to survive . With no cultural trappings or references , it appears to hark back to primeval humanity . As such , I see it as a deeply philosophical story , highly experimental in the current literary climate of China . . . " ( translation : Nicky Harman ) The last blind man in Blind Village had disappeared . That day and night Bright and Shiny lay in bed eagerly awaiting the dawn . A commotion was filtering in from outside , but Bright didn 't want to break the silence for fear of being punished , so he stayed in bed . Shiny peeked through the crack in the doorframe . He saw raised torches and candles floating through the air like fireflies , the faint lights boring little holes into the darkness . Shiny thought he heard people talking , but when he pricked his ears to listen he only heard the expansion and contraction of the alveoli in his lungs . Suddenly a dog started to bark , and then others joined in . The people clapped their hands over their mouths , as though to prove that the sound wasn 't coming from them . Shiny 's big toes dug against the stone floor as more torches and candles appeared . Even a bunch of dried leaves and twigs was set afire , and the flames leapt about like a dancing girl trying to seduce a sleeping sun . Seeing this ball of fire , Shiny thought of his father Omen , the blind man : " That old bastard has no trouble sleeping . " Bright also thought of Omen , and an old idiom came to his head : " Happy as a fish in water . " Bright didn 't dare move . He thought he might be dreaming and if he moved about like Shiny , his soul wouldn 't be able to come back to his body . He had often dreamt of this scene , but those dreams were always silent , and now there were branches crackling and dogs barking . He listened for Omen 's snores . He 'd been woken by the noise many times before , and always wanted to leap up and kill Omen in his sleep . But this time he didn 't hear any snoring . Shiny came back to bed . The two brothers slept with their backs to each other . Shiny felt Bright trembling . " Let 's go take a look . " Omen had disappeared ! The last blind man in Blind Village had disappeared . Shiny asked Bright , " Should we go tell the people outside ? " Bright overturned the rice basket , thinking of something Omen had said last night . Omen had had a lot to drink and Bright had helped him sit down on the threshing grounds . Omen crossed his legs and watched the sun drop behind the mountains . He asked , " What am I facing ? " Bright said , " You can see the three - foot city wall , looking about half as tall as the mountain . " Omen asked , " Is the path up the mountain still there ? " Bright said , " No one 's taken that path for a long time . It 's overgrown with vines . " Omen told him to go get the firewood axe . Bright paid him no mind and just took him back to his room . Now Bright looked for the axe in the basket , and as he expected , it wasn 't there . At the same time , Shiny remembered something Omen had said last night . As he downed a cup of liquor , causing Shiny to pinch his nostrils shut at the foul odor emanating up from his belly , Omen had said that Bright had stolen his shoes . Shiny 's heart skipped a beat . He was the one who 'd been rummaging around , but he hadn 't dared steal the shoes . He 'd never thought that a pair of shoes would be hidden in Omen 's closet . Now Shiny opened the closet again , letting his candle illuminate its messy contents . All that was left were some old clothes , and as he expected , the shoes weren 't there . It didn 't occur to Shiny or Bright to tell the other what he was thinking . They heard a knock on the door . Bright answered sleepily , " It 's still dark out . " Shiny heard Rich 's voice and went to open the door . Rich asked if Omen was in his room . All at once Bright said " yes " and Shiny said " no . " So Rich threw back his head and shouted , " Omen 's disappeared ! " People swarmed into the room with their lit torches . Bright was afraid the house would catch on fire , and asked some of them to put their torches out . Face after face went dark , and then a voice like an earthwoRich thought it must be that the clouds were too thick , and with a single gust of wind the sun would reappear . He calmly ate lunch and took a nap . When he woke , he opened his eyes and rubbed them . He saw shadows and realized that light was coming in . In his excitement , he ran outside barefoot and looked up . The moon and stars were like shards of shattered plates and as he stared at them he felt that the sky had somehow gone wrong . Rich wasn 't the only one looking at the sky . A lot of people were gazing up , heads cocked sideways , staring for so long that they felt like their heads had flown up among the stars . When at last they looked down and gave their necks a rest , they saw Bright and Shiny leisurely moonbathing on rattan chairs . Rich emerged from his house with a gong and rang it so loudly that everyone jumped . At the village crossroads , Rich set down an enormous metal basin that he had taken from Bright and Shiny 's house . Bright and Shiny both blushed . Omen was blind , so they had to help him bathe , Shiny in the front and Bright in the back , the three of them sitting together in the huge basin . Rich pointed to the basin : " This is the sun ! " Rich realized that some people were looking at Shiny and Bright , and others couldn 't turn their heads after staring at the sky for so long , so only one or two people were listening . He raised his voice and said again , " This , this is the sun ! " Rich ordered a few men to cut down an old tree , which they cut into four posts and erected at the eastern edge of the village . Then he told the weaver Little Ox to make the strongest bamboo mat he could with a strap attached to each corner , which they stretched between the tops of the four posts Then he went from door to door commandeering candles , boiled down the wax , poured it into the metal basin , twisted the wicks together into a single wick as thick as an arm and as tall as a person , and stuck it into the middle of the wax . The villagers hoisted the basin onto the bamboo mat , and when Rich lit it , everyone felt as thoAfter Longevity died , people considered the question , if Blind Village had only one sighted person , what would the light matter to him ? After Longevity died , dealing with his funeral was an issue . Some people said to cremate him , since what the village lacked most was fire . Some said to bury him , but as they were digging the grave , someone struck his own toe with a shovel and Rich told them to stop . Scorpion suggested that they boil the body and eat it , but nobody ever listened to him . Finally they decided to throw the body in the water . Four men picked up the corpse and threw him into the river . Longevity shouted : Plop ! Plop . Bright and Shiny were eating beans when Bright heard Omen 's voice in his ear . Longevity knew what light was , because his mother could see . Bright rushed to find a candle , but it had been burned all the way down . Shiny said , " We need a candle . We should go find Rich , although he only gives candles to women . " Shiny thought to tell him that he had just heard Omen 's voice , but when he opened his mouth he just said foolishly , " But the candlewax was all melted into the basin . " Shiny said , " Little Ox 's wife got a candle from Rich , but when I asked him , all I got was a slap upside the head . " Bright asked , " Does Little Ox 's wife need candles so that Little Ox can weave more bamboo mats ? " Shiny didn 't answer . Bright thought to himself , the weather 's turning cold , who 's going to buy a bamboo mat ? Bright heard Omen 's voice again , and he started humming deep in his chest to cover up the voice . He pulled a bundle of leaves out of the jar and lit it . He and his brother looked at each other as though they were strangers . Not long after Longevity died , Little Ox 's wife and the one they called Scorpion followed . Little Ox rolled his wife 's corpse up in a mat and buried her hastily . Little Ox asked Rich to help , saying that one man couldn 't tie it tight enough and he needed Rich to hold the rope . Shiny stood not far away , but neither of them noticed . Shiny borrowed a candle so he could watch Rich 's face . Rich was very calm , as though nothing had happened . After Scorpion died , his bald head began to shine faintly . At first the light was weak , but it got stronger and stronger until it was painfully bright . Scorpion had starved to death , and there wasn 't a drop of fat left on his body . Someone explained that he was like a stone and some stones shone at night . Rich stood up and said , " We can 't waste the light . Scorpion wouldn 't want us to . " So he sawed Scorpion 's head off and threw the body in the river . The candle in the enormous basin was blown out , and Scorpion 's head was pOne day , Blind Village was buffeted by a great wind that came from the north . Roof tiles fell to the ground , but the people weren 't concerned . It was the kind of weather that didn 't bring rain , and they had more than enough tiles . Only Peanut was depressed , and that was because his dog had run off . The wind had picked up at night , and the next morning the dog had burst outside and hadn 't come back for several days . Peanut was the only hunter in Blind Village . He hunted in the farming offseason , both for fun and for the oil and meat . His dog was his helper , and he said that it had once killed a wolf , though who knew if that was true . Log , who each day squatted by the village entrance , was the first to see Peanut 's dog come back . Only Log still believed that one day the sun would rise again , and he was certain that it would be tomorrow or the next day . When Peanut 's dog came back , everyone panicked because the dog carried a dead bird in his mouth . When they saw the bird , they thought of the scars on the backs of Longevity 's hands , and they thought of how he had taken those sixty blind men into the Village of the Birds . If the wind blew a bird into the village , let alone many birds , those voracious creatures would know that humans still lived in the village . Rich cut the bird up into pieces , and hung its head , body , wings , and feet at the crossroads . But some were still afraid and wanted to cover the entire village with a net . Rich thought that was too much trouble , and moreover , how would they find a big enough net ? Shiny went to see the bird . He didn 't feel afraid . He wanted to see what a bird that came from outside Blind Village looked like . Its feathers and wings and beak were all ordinary , the same as those of the birds that used to live in the village . But Shiny still felt that it somehow wasn 't the same , just as he felt Omen and Longevity 's mother weren 't the same . The people 's terror at the bird 's appearance slowly dissipated , and as the weather gradually grew warmer , it seemed as thoThe people 's attention had shifted from where the sun might rise to Scorpion 's head . They envied Scorpion for being able to play such a role after death . All that was left of his face were bones and skin , and they couldn 't tell if his expression was one of horror or peace . They stared at him for a while , then silently went home , closed their doors , and ladled cool water over their heads . They couldn 't quite say how they had changed after seeing Scorpion 's face . It was like a tree staring at another tree , or a stone staring at another stone . Little Ox found Shiny and told him , " Up to the day she died , my wife was never hungry . But I 've been so hungry I dig up withered tree roots and boil wild plants . " Bright waved him off with a bamboo pole . Shiny said , " Are you pretending not to know what went on between your wife and Rich ? " Little Ox said , " Rich doesn 't have enough food either , how could he have been feeding my wife ? " Bright knew that since nobody could see each other , such talk was pretty brazen . Little Ox said , " My wife was just eating some kind of beans . " In the dark , Bright delivered a vicious kick to Shiny 's backside , but perhaps it landed on Little Ox 's backside . If the secret of the beans had gotten to Little Ox , he 'd have already spread it to the entire village . Sure enough , though three people had already starved to death in Blind Village , as soon as the plop of beans sounded from all the corners of the village , people heard the sweet gospel of a savior . During this time , Rich kept his ears open , trying to figure out which house the sound was coming from . After not too long , he found himself hauling out the corpses of two people who died with distended bellies . Things got even harder for Bright and Shiny . No one thanked them , but instead blamed them for not sharing the magical beans earlier , to save the lives of those who 'd starved to death and been thrown in the river . After he 'd eaten , Log had more energy to go out and wait for the sun . Without sunrise or sunsetPeanut said , " I don 't blame him at all . " Bright thought that he was talking about Omen or Shiny or himself . Peanut said , " He hadn 't touched a woman for years . He told me , the river is flowing past our ears and beans are bursting open in the water . Afterwards , I understood he was talking about my sister bleeding from between her legs , her body exploding . For so many nights , he kept his ear pressed against my sister 's door ; his ears were his eyes , eyes that could see through doors and walls . He asked me , Does your sister look like your mother ? That fool , when had I ever seen my mother ? He agreed with a grunt , and said , Yes , they look like one another . " Peanut suddenly looked at Bright . " He and my sister were two different people . " He started to break down . " My sister and I were one . He and I were one . But he and my sister were two totally different people . And because of that , I can 't blame him . " Bright told Peanut to hand over the gun so he could look at it . Peanut kept talking about his father 's and sister 's deaths . He talked and wept , and for a moment Bright thought it was his dog speaking . Bright said , " Goddamn it , when you 're hunting you don 't go on like this about the animals you kill ! Now get that gun and let me try it out . " When he and Peanut had gone to the mountain to hunt , he 'd carried this gun . Now , as he held the gun again , he was reminded , like Peanut , of his brief time with his wife . She 'd been crazy even before she 'd jumped in the well . Shiny had seen her in the courtyard shouting and running , and Omen had heard a muffled sound , a sound with which he was too familiar . Bright had seen a flash of light and sat by the well , and after a while a face had appeared in the well - Longevity ! Bright asked Peanut , " Can you fire this gun with your eyes closed ? " Peanut didn 't answer . Bright lifted the gun and said , " It 's dark now , and I 'm going to close my eyes and I won 't be able to see anything . When the wind passes through the room and hits the wall , the wall doesn 't move , only that bamboo hat hanging there sways a bit . The wind continues on and I can tell exactly where it exits through the open window . " Peanut was still deciding what to say . He was trying to figure out why his father and his sister were two different people , while he and his sister were one person , and he and his father were one person . He heard the gun go off . Bright said , " The bullet followed the wind and broke your window . " Bang ! Peanut 's dog yelped and writhed on the floor . Peanut pushed Bright out the door . After that , Peanut became a loner . He buried his dog , then a few days later dug him up and threw him in the river , thinking he should enjoy the same treatment as Longevity . A few people saw Peanut standing in his doorway aiming his gun at Scorpion 's head , and although he wasn 't very good with guns , they still worried and went to tell Rich . Rich dropped in to talk with Peanut . The door was locked and when he broke it open , he discovered that Peanut and the gun had both disappeared . When Bright came out of Peanut 's room , he walked through the village with his eyes closed . He knew Blind Village well enough not to trip over rocks , and to be able to tell which direction he was facing . But he hadn 't gone very far before he couldn 't take it anymore . He opened his eyes . When he closed his eyes , the whole world seemed to press down on him , the air pressed down on him , pressed him into a flat disk , into a speck of dust , and he felt he was walking into a kind of endlessness . The moonlight entwined with the light coming from Scorpion 's head , like a sweater knitted by a mother 's hand and draped over Blind Village as it cried like a child until silence soothed it like a pair of hands . He couldn 't help but feel a great respect for Omen . As Shiny walked home after hearing Peanut 's story about his sister 's spirit , Bright was nowhere to be seen . He wanted someone to keep him company , but everyone seemed to have fallen into a dream , like they 'd talked about . Then Shiny realized that maybe it was he himself who had fallen into a dream . It occurred to him that he might be trapped in someone else 's dream , and he felt so light he thought he might be floating . He said , " Fuck , if whoever 's dreaming wakes up , I 'll disappear just like Omen ! I 'll bet he was just in somebody else 's dream . " He was eager to get home , and picked up his pace . Someone touched him on the shoulder , but he didn 't turn around . He felt another light touch , and he began to run . After what felt like a long time , he stood in front of his house . Shaking , he opened the door and jumped into bed , and soon he was fast asleep . Log shouted for him to wake up . Shiny was thrilled to still be alive . He saw Bright in the living room and grumbled to him , " Where did you go off to ? " Bright said , " I went to see Peanut . " Shiny thought to himself , so Bright 's curious about Peanut 's story too . He said , " So what was it that Peanut saw ? " Bright said , " Himself . " Shiny thought of the situation the night before and realized that Bright had hit the nail on the head . He felt ashamed . Bright said , " Do you remember what Omen 's father asked him about Longevity 's mother ? " Shiny couldn 't remember it . Bright said , " Omen 's father asked him , could he tell that Longevity 's mother was beautiful , and Omen said that he could . His father asked him how , and he answered , Longevity 's mother is like a ray of light . " Shiny said , " Omen was blind , he was just saying that . " Bright said , " You 've seen Peanut 's gun . " He didn 't wait for Shiny 's answer and continued , " Where did he get it from ? " Shiny suddenly understood . Bright said , " He got it from Longevity . And where did Longevity get the gun ? " Shiny asked in a small voice , " From his mother ? " Bright said , " Last night I went to Longevity 's house . " Shiny said , " You went because of the gun , not because of Peanut 's story . " Bright said , " I tried closing my eyes and holding the gun . Peanut was going on and on about the relationship between his father and his sister . He never realized I was trying out his gun with my eyes closed . " Shiny thought , Bright wouldn 't shoot Peanut , would he ? Bright said , " I shot his dog and he threw me out of his house . " After a long while , Bright asked , " Where did the gun come from ? " Shiny decided to go ask Peanut himself . He walked to Peanut 's house and saw him there holding the gun and aiming it at something . He followed the line of the barrel and jumped in fright . Peanut was aiming at Scorpion 's head . Shiny ran frantically to Rich 's house to tell him , and he also ran and told Bright . Bright didn 't belieWhen the sighted children were born in Blind Village , there were eighteen boys and twelve girls in total . Now three people - Longevity , then Scorpion and Little Ox 's wife - had starved , two had died with swollen bellies , and Peanut had vanished . Before the string of disappearances that followed , the villagers lived quite happily . The sun had stopped rising , but Rich lit an enormous candle ; the food ran out , but Omen bequeathed the magic beans to fill the villagers ' stomachs ; Scorpion died , but his head had taken the place of the sun . When the wind blew Scorpion 's head askew , the village was no longer cold , and each night Log hit a gong at moonrise and the people knew it was time to go to bed . The one thing that bothered them was that they had lost their seasons . But when they thought about it , there was no need to plant crops , so what difference would a change of seasons make ? Bright figured out that Peanut 's gun had come from Longevity , and Longevity had gotten it from his mother , but there the thread broke , as though Longevity 's mother herself had snipped it . Shiny found a new way to masturbate , sticking himself in the water as he soaked beans and letting the waves from their little explosions get him off . One night Log dreamt of the sun . He became a tree , a blade of grass , a flower , and the sun squatted beside him , wanting him to talk about the days he 'd spent in darkness . If Log were a tree , then he would hear the leaves on his body curling up , and if he were a blade of grass , he would slowly wither . If he were a flower , he might be more restrained and just let his face droop . He thought , the sun is squatting next to me and it seems like it 's been there for years and I 've already told it the story many times . When he opened his eyes to see what the sun looked like , he thought , it 's probably green , or pink , or maybe gray . But none of that seemed right , and he started to cry , sobbing himself awake . He climbed out of bed , wanting to go look . Of course , Log wasn 't going to find his sun , and heThe first man that Rich enlisted had a limp ; a lame man would help unite the troops . The second man was good at telling which plants were edible , since they wouldn 't have a source of water on the road . The third man was the one who 'd wanted Blind Village to make a big bird net , and Rich planned to get rid of him along the way . The fourth man was Shiny , and he explained to Shiny why he needed to choose a woman to come along . The woman he chose was Log 's wife , since she was strong and stout . The fifth man came to see him , and that was Log . Along with Rich , that was just the right number . Shiny urged Bright to come with him , not only because Log 's wife would be there , but also because they might encounter Peanut along the way . Bright cursed at him and called him a maggot . Shiny spat on the floor and punched him , saying , " We 're going to the Village of the Birds , you 're really going to call me a maggot ? " The two were still fighting when Rich came to the door with Log 's son in his arms . He pulled the two brothers apart . Rich wanted Bright to look after Log 's son . Shiny told Rich he was crazy , that Bright had heartlessly killed Peanut 's dog and he might just as heartlessly throw the child in the river . Log 's son wanted to take up the job of sounding the night gong , so he wouldn 't have to stay with the dog - killing bastard . Bright didn 't want to take care of the child , but the child was completely silent , and he thought that if none of brigade members came back , the child might turn into a mute . So he decided to take him in . Before the brigade set out , two things happened in Blind Village . The first was that Rich made Little Ox and the third man who had joined the army weave an enormous net . It wasn 't to cover Blind Village ; Rich wanted to take it along to catch birds . Little Ox and the third man spent three days weaving a crude net , which according to them could hold all the people in the village . Rich slid the net into a tube like a gun barrel so that when he pushed the piston forward , the net would shoot out . The second thing was that the village lost another woman and two children . Her husband explained that she had been afraid that Rich would force her to go to the Village of the Birds and so she had run away with her two children . Bright asked , " Did you see which direction she went in ? " Her husband answered , " She left while I was sleeping . " When the brigade set out , Scorpion 's head emitted its brightest light yet , and Rich took this as a good omen . He looked at the pitiful few villagers being left behind and said , " We 're heading off to the Village of the Birds . Longevity took sixty blind men with him , and only he came back . We are six men and one woman , together seven people , and how many birds are there ? We should have asked Longevity , but sadly he 's dead now , and anyway , he probably wouldn 't know for sure . We 're leaving and Log is coming with us , so no one will ring the night gong . Sleep as much as you like , one night , one day , ten days , a year , two years , longer . We 're leaving , because Blind Village has no sun and it 's the birds that have blocked it out . We 're leaving , with the hope that Scorpion will bless and protect us , and Omen and Longevity will bless and protect us too . " If Shiny hadn 't heard the bit about Omen , he would have abandoned the whole thing . He looked for Bright in the crowd , though he knew he hadn 't come . Still he thought , no matter what , we 're brothers ! LOG ' S SON WAS called Happy . Happy was Scorpion 's friend , since in Blind Village , only the children could understand what Scorpion said . Scorpion called the breeze a wind - inch , and called a hat a sky - covering . When the wind blew his hat askew , he would say : the wind - inch uncovered the sky . Scorpion called walking drawing , and so he would say : Omen drew to the mountains . Scorpion called the sun a light - spring , saying light flowed from it like water . Happy looked at the sun , and it did seem to be a spring from which light flowed , tugging at his body like water . Scorpion had turned to stone from hunger , and Happy had watched him get sawed in two . Now his head hung over Blind Village , sending out rays of light . Happy thought to himself , Scorpion has found a new way of talking . He saw his father as Scorpion 's greatest enemy , since everyone said that Log was trying to wake the sun . If the sun rose again in the east , Scorpion wouldn 't talk anymore . When Log left and hugged his son as if he couldn 't bear to part with him , Happy hoped he would never come back . Best would be if the birds ate him up . Bright didn 't know about Happy and Scorpion 's friendship . He just thought Happy was unlucky , because if Happy had been able to choose when he was born , he could have been born when it was already dark , and that way he wouldn 't have seen the sun and would never have known what light was . He thought that Happy didn 't like to talk because of the disaster that had befallen the village or because Log had left him . But the real reason was that Happy only wanted to talk to Scorpion . Silently , he listened to Bright talk , all the while hearing Scorpion tell stories in his head . According to Scorpion , Blind Village had undergone eight periods of darkness . The first time was because the mountain had kept growing higher . The villagers tried to carry rocks down from the top , but they hadn 't been able to keep up with its growth , so they 'd finally moved the whole village to the top of the mountain . The second time was because an earthquake had turned the mountain 's whole topography upside down and the river water had put out the sun . The whole earth had shook , not just lamps or tables , and in a twinkling , the mountain became a valley . The villagers who survived used a huge bow to shoot out a rocket to relight the sun . The third time the darkness came about because the sun had sex with the moon , and then with the other stars and planets of all shapes and sizes , and it had ejaculated all its brightness onto their bodies . The fourth time was because the sun had lost its way in the forest and wandered into a cave . The villagers had used a floating lamp to lead the sun back out . The fifth time was the longest , and it was also during that time that blind people had begun appearing in Blind Village . The sun was split into two halves by a bolt of daytime lightning , so the villagers put a magnet in the spot where the sun usually was , and after a few years , it finally healed back together . When the sixth period of darkness came , the first generation of blind villagers had long since died , and the people had begun to record the movements of the sun and the farming seasons , and the frequency and positions of their sexual practices , and what kinds of plants were edible , and how people got along with each other , and what kind of woman could change a man 's body , and the births of leaders , and those leaders ' rights and wrongs . . . . They wrote their symbols thickly on the clouds , turning the sky black , and it was only after the leaders washed the clouds clean that the sun had been able to show itself again . Many years passed between the sixth and seventh periods of darkness , but their causes were vScorpion said to Happy , " Log is my brother . " Happy nodded . Scorpion said , " During the third period of darkness , Blind Village practiced cannibalism . When all of the grain had been eaten , the strong survived and the weak died in bed . The living flayed the corpses and hung the flesh on the walls to dry . Those who dealt with the dead were honored and in that way they survived for quite a while . Some people heard their stomachs and intestines and anuses breathing . They heard the sound of chattering and scratching , and they were convinced that the dead lived on inside their bodies . Some of them were happy for that , the relatives and spouses of the dead . But even more people wanted to end the custom because it went against the laws of nature . And soon the third period of darkness ended . " Scorpion continued , " Between the third and fourth period of darkness , the villagers of Blind Village wanted to stockpile sunlight to keep the darkness from coming back . They left a jug out in the sun in a field , but when they came back and opened it up , the inside was still pitch black . Sunlight isn 't like rain . It can 't be kept in a jug . When you touch a rock that 's been out in the sun , you 'll get burnt , and that 's the way you can feel the sun . What your eyes see and what your hands touch are two forms of sunlight . Of course there 's a third form of sunlight , and a fourth form , and when people perceive any of these forms , they 're perceiving light . " Scorpion said , " Dewdrops store up light , and in their combination of water and sunlight , the whole world is hidden . So people , my ancestors , used lotus leaves to gather dew and tipped the drops into jugs . " Back then , Scorpion believed that this dew could be put to miraculous use in the darkness . " For example , " he said , " a seed feeds on sunlight , sprouts , then produces countless new seeds . A bean put under the sun will swell and burst open . When the fourth period of darkness came , the people took out the dew that they had kept for so long , threw beans in and quietly listened to them bursting . " After Shiny left , Bright went several times to Longevity 's old house . It still bore traces of Longevity 's life , as if he had only left temporarily , gone with Rich on his expedition to the Village of the Birds . Since Longevity 's birth coincided with the end of the last period of darkness , Bright wanted to know whether before Longevity died , he 'd known about the secret of the beans . If he 'd known , why , in his last moments , hadn 't he eaten the beans to save his life ? Perhaps he 'd known that the end of the world was coming , and he 'd refused food as a way to preserve the dignity of light . If he hadn 't known , then the secret of the beans was likely known only to the blind , and Longevity and the others who came after him would have to return to the era of slash - and - burn cultivation . In Longevity 's room , a penis hung from the ceiling . People had ridiculed him for that , but they had only laughed and nothing more . When Bright saw it , it looked to him like a stone that had experienced many periods of darkness . It had been worn smooth by time and gleamed like a pearl . It was twice as long as an ordinary man 's ; penetrating a woman was like a sword being inserted into a dagger 's sheath . As he looked at it , Bright heard a woman 's moans and a newborn infant 's cries . His heart quivered , and he felt a certain part of his body relax . The people left in Blind Village suffered through the endless days in collective loneliness . When the slightest breeze blew , they would call out to waken their neighbors , then not say another word . This seemed to go on for an eternity . They had already said all there was to say ; anything else , they could say later . Wives who had lost their husbands opened their doors wide to any man who came by . After a few minutes of passion , they would part , and not acknowledge each other again . It was during this period of silence that Happy opened his mouth . He asked Bright , " Why did Omen give you that name ? " Bright told him the story of the mothers of the village and the penis in Longevity 's room . So Happy told him what Scorpion had said , how his relationship with the other men was like one bean to another . Bright told Happy to repeat what he had just said . Happy repeated the popping noise Scorpion had made . Of course he didn 't say much , he was still just a child , and his story had no structure . He said that Log had stolen time from the others , who would get old a bit faster while Log believed he would get younger the longer he lived , and from that he hoped he would get to see the sun rise again . Happy also said that Scorpion could stand a chopstick up in water , say a few magical words and the chopstick would seem like it was stuck in sand . Happy had decided that Log had lied about the bird . He was afraid that people would forget him , so he had invented the story about Scorpion 's head turning and other lies like it . Bright said , " But people found feathers , and Scorpion 's head did bring heat to the village after the great wind . " Happy said , " Maybe the feathers were left there long ago , and the light let out by Scorpion 's head also burns in your body . " Bright didn 't believe what Happy said , he was just a child , a child who had grown up with Scorpion . Bright asked Happy , " How did you hear what Scorpion said ? " Happy answered that Scorpion said strange things , and since no one paid attention , he invented a way of communicating with nature . Like the earthworm , for example . First it stretches its head out , then with its clammy body it burrows a hole through the mud , and Scorpion would burrow into the earth along with it . Along the way he would encounter other insects like crickets , and grass and tree roots , and bits of ceramic , and as he was going along behind the earthworm , he would start to talk with it about its daily life . The earthworm would answer as it led him farther down , where they 'd find corpses buried in their graves . Or take the river . It 's flowed past so many places encountering storms , hail , flowing mud and rocks , drought , no matter where it flows . Scorpion would become a drop of its water . Scorpion could turn into anything . The language he and Scorpion spoke , Happy explained , was determined by the land , was a way of communicating with nature too . Though Scorpion was dead , he still lived through the language of nature . Happy made Bright close his eyes and experience the light like he did . Bright closed his eyes , and at first he couldn 't see a thing . Fearful images of Omen and others like him floated through his head : walking through the darkness , the air pressing down on him , pressing him into a flat disk , into a speck of dust . Happy said , " Your heart is hanging down all the way to your butt , and it 's spreading out on the ground . " Bright began to hear a muffled sound , the sound of blood rushing through his ears . Happy wanted him to open his pores so that Scorpion 's light could enter his body . Bright jerked and then smacked Happy in the head , wanting to hide because thousands of birds were coming to attack him and he could find nowhere to hide himself and so he dug his fingernails into his own face and tore at himself and the world exploded . AFTER LITTLE OX made the enormous net for the bird - capturing brigade , he stopped working . He felt as though he 'd done enough work for a lifetime . He and the wife of the third man in the brigade had sex . He circled the village once and came back to her place , and saw another man asleep in her bed . He kept walking . Scorpion 's light came from all sides , and he realized that the ground was covered with shadows . He tried to lose them by running , leaping , rolling about , but they just stuck closer . One shadow stood up from the ground , then another , surrounding him . A monster stood before him . He brandished his two fists to ward it off , and then struck it hard , then did the same again a hundred times . At last he gave up . This was probably the initial stage of the darkness . The monster filled the universe , or maybe it was just as big as his pupil . That is to say , all he could see was its leg , a tail , a breast . Little Ox secretly asked himself , who is this monster ? At first he thought of Omen . Omen hadn 't really disappeared , he 'd just been drifting around Blind Village , and when someone forgot about him , he would suddenly appear before him . Then Little Ox thought about his wife , and he thought about her because he felt the same kind of weariness he felt after making love , and as he thought about her his penis grew hard . It was Happy who realized that Little Ox had gone blind . Happy said , Scorpion 's light is broken somewhere . He went looking for the place where the light had broken , and he saw Little Ox masturbating and surrounded by semen . He was on the verge of death . Happy heard Little Ox saying something , and he sat down next to him , and the semen soaked into his underwear . Little Ox stopped for a moment . He realized that a boy was sitting next to him , and he asked him , " Do you see the monster ? " Then he said , " You don 't see it . " Then he said , " The monster hid itself near me for a long time , then suddenly appeared before me . If you 'd ever slept with a woman you 'd know that when a cock enters a pHappy went and found Bright . Bright was busy drawing a map on the ground . At the top was a horizontal line that divided the whole area into two parts . One part had a triangle and the other was empty . Everything below the triangle was divided into thirty parts , eighteen of which were squares and twelve of which were circles . Below that were dots , like the footprints of ants . Happy tapped Bright on the back and said , " Little Ox wants to talk to you . " Bright hugged Happy and started to walk toward the river . He thought , Little Ox 's really looking for Shiny , but Shiny and Rich set out on their expedition . At the riverbank Bright said , " The secrets of Blind Village are about to be revealed . Maybe Longevity 's been eaten by the fish , but he 's inside the fish bellies , so he 's still in the river . " Happy thought to himself , before the darkness came , only Scorpion was weird . Now , everyone in Blind Village was weird . Happy said again , " Little Ox wants to talk to you . He 's gone blind . " LITTLE OX SAID , " From today forward , the real darkness has come . When it first appears , you think it 's a house , a mountain , a piece of land . But it isn 't , it 's everything , it starts from an idea in your head , then moves to your ears , nose , mouth , and eyes , then spreads to your limbs , and at that point , it isn 't that the darkness is surrounding you , you are surrounding the darkness . " The sperm that had spurted out in the darkness was crawling on the ground . Bright asked Happy what he saw and Happy said , " The sperm is eating up the light . " Little Ox said , " People live on energy , and this energy talked to me and it said it wanted to be somewhere else . Come listen to my heart , it 's beating very fast , but you 'll still worry that in another minute it will turn into a stagnant pool of water . Energy needs to be released from the body . My eyes are blocked , my ears are blocked , my mouth is blocked , so I 've been masturbating nonstop . Like the flames in an oven - we haven 't seen that for a long time , but you can still remember - the firewood wants the flames to burn hotter and hotter , and it won 't think about the fact that it 's being turned into ash at that very moment . Right now , I 'm a piece of wet firewood , and the fire will go out . Before the next flame comes , it can only hide in a dark corner , laughed at by ashes . That was the difference between Omen and the other sixty blind men . Bright , I really want to be one of those sixty blind men . " The first thought that Bright had was that this idea of Little Ox 's was even more amusing than his masturbation . Little Ox said , " Before I turn to ash , I want to tell you something . If only Shiny were here too . " Little Ox had used the tip of a needle to tease his wife 's clitoris , like poking at a snail . He saw on her wide , flushed face both orgasm and agony . The needle poked and her head reared back , revealing her white neck where breath made its way through the tightly stretched skin . The needle poked and her stomach , completely empty , twitched . The needled poked , and she let out a small sound , a sound that carried a trace of blood . A snail was pulled alive from its shell . It was a pleasure brought from revenge or from evil , like the excitement a child feels at the sound of a shattering jug . " I had two things I could do . One was to make a rope and strangle her , the other was to let her soul escape in that one strike . " Bright didn 't interrupt Little Ox 's ravings . He pushed Happy toward the door . Then he tried to find the physical strength in Little Ox 's body , the strength that could explain such urges and evil . But Little Ox hadn 't told Bright his final thought , that Bright would continue to live until the monster came and found him . Little Ox continued , " The revenge I mentioned , it was revenge against myself . It had nothing to do with Rich , and nothing to with Shiny . Shiny said to her , Lie down in my heart and it will be your world . Rich said to her , On your body is my shadow . What Shiny said was just empty talk , but Rich was different . He had inherited a leader 's charm from his ancestors , and even though Blind Village was in chaos , you had to admit that Rich was the thread running through the whole village . Rich wasn 't spouting nonsense just to please her . Every time he climbed into her bed he would repeat what he said , and after a while it was as though he was fucking himself when he fucked her . " Then Little Ox spoke no more . Before they held Little Ox 's funeral , Bright and Happy paid a call at each home in Blind Village . Bright said that at the funeral he would reveal Blind Village 's secrets . Everyone answered politely that they would attend . When the day of the funeral arrived , very few people came . The attendees closed their eyes one by one , which wasn 't part of the funeral rites . While he was paying visits , Bright had seen that a lot of people were closing their eyes , but not like Happy when he used his body to listen to Scorpion 's voice . When he touched their bodies , even their pores were closed . Bright thought of the five preceding periods of darkness , when the blind had searched for the sun together . That darkness had been on the surface , the world had been saving up its color , and the blind who relied on their other senses to tell each other apart had concentrated their attention on each other . After the sixth period of darkness started , people had more abstract experiences , outside of what could be seen and heard . History was molded out of these experiences , and it was both collective and individual . So when the darkness came , they could still distinguish themselves from others , and they could learn how to exist in the dark just like in the light . This history and experience accumulated , proving that one 's existence was not dependent on one 's surroundings . Bright worried about Shiny , those seven people were just six men and one woman , and the sixty blind men that Longevity had led were reduced to ten , five , or even fewer . At the funeral , Bright saw Longevity , Scorpion , Peanut , and Omen . They all possessed the kind of wisdom that could severe the umbilical cord between people . Then an idea that was even funnier than Little Ox 's masturbation came back into Bright 's head . FIRST WAS LONGEVITY ' S mother . Three people at the funeral saw her , and all of their accounts of her conflicted . The first person said , " Longevity 's mother lives in a pit , and if you squeeze down into it , you 'll hear the ghosts howling . Her body is inlaid across the side of the pit , like a vine twining around a tree . " The second one said , " She 's grown a tail , and she uses it to sweep her own footprints away . " The third one said , " Peanut 's gun came from Longevity 's mother , and when she would take aim at her prey , she would keep one eye open and one eye closed . " Bright instead recalled what his father had said : " Omen 's father said , Longevity 's mother was a beautiful woman . Omen asked , How can a blind man tell who 's beautiful ? Omen 's father asked back , What do you think ? Omen thought for a while , then said , Yes , you can feel it . When Longevity 's mother passes by , I know it 's Longevity 's mother , and not someone else 's mother . Omen 's father asked , What does it feel like ? Omen said , It 's like a ray of light . Omen 's father leaned close to Omen 's ear and said , So you understand . " After the four spoke , there was a burst of contention at the funeral . Where did she come from ? There were two explanations . One was that in the seventh period of darkness , one family could still see , and when the darkness ended , they blindfolded themselves and lived like the other blind people , and Longevity 's mother was a descendent of that family . The second explanation was that Longevity 's mother wasn 't a woman of Blind Village . She came from the earth , the river , or maybe even from the sky . In someone 's mind an image of the blue sky appeared , and it turned into a drop of water that fell on the village , and that became Longevity 's mother . The sparse crowd was quiet for a while , then started to argue again . No one had any proof , they could only wave their arms and shout : " She was Longevity 's mother ! She was Longevity 's mother ! She was Longevity 's mother ! " THEN THEY STARTED to talk about Longevity 's penis , and some people covered their faces and left . Longevity 's penis hung there , like a stone that had undergone several periods of darkness . The wind blew through the room , and the penis swayed over Longevity 's head . Every day he endured this humiliation . Who had chopped off his penis ? Bright said , " When Peanut 's sister died , Omen said over and over : ' When a child is born , a woman jumps down a well . ' This was the curse of Blind Village . During periods of light , the blind used their other senses as their eyes , cutting wood and carrying water as usual , using their sense of touch to recognize each other . When Longevity described the light to them , it was as though they were listening to a story from their next incarnation . Longevity said that the color of the grass was like a stone dropped into the water , the color of the clouds was like sinking barefoot into thin mud , and the mountain was a fist beating against a chest . He said that people were the most wonderful thing , and it would be best if everyone could see . The men gathered together and deliberated . It wouldn 't be good if they let the light come in now . Scorpion 's penis was extraordinarily large and when it entered a woman 's vagina , for a split second the woman would experience light , seen through a gash torn open in their bodies . The women told the men that that light lit up their bellies . A year later , child after child had come into the world , and all of the women in Blind Village threw themselves into the well , and on that very day Rich 's father cut off Scorpion 's penis . Or maybe each man took a turn with the knife . " The people left at the funeral looked at each other sadly , and after a while , they left one by one . They went back home and shut their doors tight , and poured ladles of cool water over their heads . Happy said , " Recently Scorpion 's light has been making a staticky sound . " |
I want you all to know how I appreciate each one of my readers . I love the comments and emails I get . Many of the comments on my blog are posted on Facebook these days , and those are great too . I 'm sharing an old song from the 50 's that expresses my wish for all of you in the coming year . MAY YOU ALWAYS There are more cows here than you think . Look beyond Babe , the big fat Hereford on the left , and you will see the shoulders of Bonnie - the - Jersey - cow . There are also two four - month - old calves , George and Gracie , on the other side of the hay ring , and Bonnie 's calf , Crystal , is out of the picture on the right . Eight head of cattle . Of course the biggest animals eat the most . On a side note , notice how big Red - the - bull is , in the above picture . Red wasn 't nearly as big in this picture We feed the cows in an electric - fenced enclosure that the horses can 't get into , since horses don 't need all that rich alfalfa hay . Their owner , Adam , comes to feed them every day . We thought we had a plentiful supply of hay , but that was before we bought Red - the - bull and George and Gracie . We have begun to wonder if our hay supply will last until spring . Because of the drought last year , big hay bales that would normally sell for $ 50 now bring $ 100 and more . People are selling four - year - old grass hay for ridiculous prices . Some farmers have baled dry cornstalks and are selling those bales for thirty dollars and more . It 's just too easy for our cows to stand right there waiting until they feel like eating some more . Imagine yourself in a room with a table , covered by plates full of your favorite foods ; as soon as you empty the plate , somebody fills it up again . You know , kind of like that period from Thanksgiving to New Year 's . Yeah , it 's like that . We decided to put the cows on a diet . Cliff rigged a gate at the entrance to the hay - ring area . Every evening around sunset I chase the cows out and shut the gate ; at daylight next morning I call them up and let them in to eat . Because George and Gracie are so young , and have no milk to supplement their diet , I bring them up to the barn overnight where they can continue to eat all the hay they want . There 's already a noticeable difference in how fast the hay disappears . Here 's hoping , not for an early spring with all the problems that would bring , but for a timely , wet , grass - growing spring ! Posted by 1 . In resealable food storage plastic bag , combine flour , salt , pepper and poultry seasoning . Add chicken , a few pieces at a time ; shake to coat . 2 . Heat oil in large skillet over medium heat until hot . Add chicken ; cook until browned on all sides . * Reduce heat to low ; cover and cook 30 minutes or until chicken is fork - tender and juices run clear . Remove cover during last 10 minutes of cooking to crisp chicken . That is the basic recipe I decided to work with , since it sounded vaguely like how my mother fried chicken . I acquired several packages containing two legs and two thighs ; I figured at least I would only be ruining four pieces of chicken instead of a whole fryer with each new effort . A friend , Ora , said to cook chicken very slowly . The first time I made an attempt , the chicken wasn 't terrible , but it was somewhat overcooked and dry . So on the next efforts I heeded Ora 's advice and used a lower flame for the browning process . This gave me better results . I picked up other random tips online , such as " don 't crowd the pieces " . After the first effort , I had complete success . Fried chicken isn 't something Cliff and I should be eating , so I don 't expect to be making it often . But there is great satisfaction in finally " breaking the code " on something I gave up on when I was in my twenties . Posted by I learned how to properly fry chicken . One should not try to move a full kettle of canned tomatoes from point A to point B until it cools off . Sweet potato plants can look totally dead and dry upon arrival and still come back to life . I have yet to see a portion of the USA that is any more beautiful than Colorado . Cats get fat and lazy once they 're neutered . If someone comes along who constantly " rubs me the wrong way " , all I have to do is keep my mouth shut and figure out the lesson I am supposed to be learning from that person . Oh yes , there is always a lesson there ; if I 'm wise , I will find it and put it to good use in my own life . Years ago , I read a book called " Lord , Change Me " . I 've forgotten what the book was even about , but the title has stayed with me . The older I get , the more I realize that I can 't change anybody else ; I can 't always change my circumstances ; but if I really try , I can work on my attitude , and that changes how I perceive difficult people . . . whether they are neighbors or relatives or politicians . You can 't rollerskate in a buffalo herd , but you can be happy if you 've a mind to . Travel east , travel west , after all , home is best . My Grandma Stevens had a throw pillow with those words on it ; I believe Uncle Paul got it for her during or after WWII . I think about it every time we leave home for several days . Life is even shorter than I thought . Posted by No , I haven 't given up blogging . As is usual this time of year , I don 't have a lot of enthusiasm for anything . The house ( the monstrosity , as I 've called it ) next door has no doubt been sold . Evidently the people plan to live in the house , because we saw a plumber over there this week . They have hauled trash to the back of the place for two weeks , and almost every day there is another huge bonfire . I feel certain that these people will tidy the place up , plant grass in the yard , and give us a better view to the west . The weather - guessers can 't make up their minds about a snowstorm that is headed this way . First they said we might get three to five inches , then they said we probably wouldn 't get anything , and now they are saying two and a half inches of snow . My daughter and her family are going to Carthage for Christmas , so I hope the roads don 't get bad until they get back home . As usual , we won 't be doing anything special on New Year 's Eve . I don 't do too well at staying up later than ten P . M . A few days ago I was thinking about the new year and said to myself , " 2013 is the year I 'll turn 69 . " And then it hit me , I 'll only be a year away from 70 . Whoa ! ! ! ! That sounds REALLY old . I know a lot of people who DIED in their 70 's ! Now you folks can go ahead and tell me I 'm only as old as I feel , but that doesn 't help much . I 'm pretty sure I feel about 75 . Don 't get me wrong , I 'm not complaining . I 'm just glad to be alive , able to walk and see and hear . I find I don 't have a lot of enthusiasm for anything these days , but I feel very blessed to have made it this far in life . I plan to garden again , but there will probably be more weeds than ever . I look forward to baby calves that will come along in the coming months . I look forward to spring . Meanwhile , I deal with winter by reading one book after another , and I have read some great ones lately . I am SO thankful for my Ipad , with the various apps that allow me to read books without spending any money . I realize this is a pathetic entry , but I felt I should check in . TPosted by Looking forward We had a nice couple of days , visited by my daughter , her husband , and their daughters ; ex - daughter - in - law Kat ; granddaughter Amber ; and grandson Arick and his sweetheart , Heather . None of them received a present from us , but they showed up anyway . We ate junk food all day yesterday and today : Cheese ball and crackers , hamburger dip and chips , and various things I had dipped in almond bark . My favorite Christmas cookie these days consists of peanut butter between two round crackers , dipped in chocolate - flavored almond bark . If you haven 't tried this , you MUST ! The daughter and her husband brought me a huge can of Topsy 's popcorn we 've all been munching on . Oh yes , it 's been an eating marathon around here . I got Cliff a DVD about his current favorite brand of tractor , " All About Olivers " . Since portions of it were filmed at a tractor show that we attended in Iowa , it was especially enjoyable . We like watching " Country 's Family Reunion " on RFDTV . I found an excellent buy on a four - DVD set , " Country 's Family Reunion at the Ryman " . If you go to that link , pay no attention to the price they 're asking ; I found it , used , for $ 49 . 99 . I got this as a gift for my husband , but it was for me as much as for him . The old - time country artists ( those who are still alive ) get together and talk about the old days and sing their hits from the 40 's , 50 's , and 60 's . You 'd have to be as old as we are and love country music to appreciate it , but it 's right up our alley . I also got Cliff some shirts that feature his favorite tractors . He got me some gloves and ( YES ! ! ! ) some new Muck Boots ! The tall Muck boots I bought three years ago are still in fine shape , but my shorter ones were totally worn out . If you live in the country , if you take walks in winter , if you wade through mud to do any sort of chores at any time of year . . . you need to part with a handful of money and get some Muck boots . Am I the only one who breathes a sigh of relief when Christmas is over , even if it 's been a wonderful one ? I 'm pretty sure this wasNow we can hunker down , get through winter ( looks like it may be a bitter one this year ) and look forward to spring . Posted by Growing up in the Church of Christ , Christmas wasn 't celebrated in a religious way . Everybody but the most strict members had Christmas trees at home , and lots of presents , but it wasn 't even mentioned at Church because Christmas isn 't mentioned in the Bible . Still , we had school Christmas programs , and sometimes Mother and I would attend the Christmas programs at other churches . Cliff and I have talked a lot about our childhoods and how different they were . We both have good Christmas memories ; Cliff remembers his dad pointing out Santa 's sleigh flying through the sky , and yes , little Clifford saw it . I recall the time my mom and I went to the Methodist Church 's Christmas program in Guss , Iowa , and Daddy stayed home with the switchboard . When we got home , Daddy was sound asleep on the couch and Santa had sneaked in and filled my stockings ! I couldn 't believe my daddy slept right through Santa 's visit . Cliff 's childhood didn 't go as smoothly as mine , but he had good times . As for me , I never had any worries . I knew I was loved . Life was fun . I didn 't have a lot of interaction with other kids , but because I had a good imagination , I always had plenty of cowboys and Indians to play with ( in my mind , but still ) . On the holidays my sister 's family would come from Kansas City and my brother 's family from Des Moines . Mother would go into a baking frenzy . Good times and lots of food , back when I didn 't even know what a calorie was . Cliff and I don 't normally do presents , but this year I kept finding things on the Internet that I knew he would love , and he said he would feel bad unwrapping gifts if I didn 't have something . So we both had packages to open last night . me and my nephew Larry I want to wish all my readers the best of the season . I hope Santa brings joy to all of you . If you don 't have family around , then enjoy memories of Christmas 's past . I 'm not having a particularly blue Christmas , but I love to listen to my favorite version of the song : A while back I mentioned here that I was reading a book written in 1905 about the meat industry : " The Jungle " by Upton Sinclair . I thought everything that was going on back then was a thing of the past . Boy , was I wrong . I just finished " Slaughterhouse : The shocking story of greed , neglect , and inhumane treatment inside the US meat industry " , a book was written in 2006 . Few things have changed . Meat packers insist on running the lines so fast that some cattle are still alive when they are being skinned . Some hogs are still squealing when they get to the scalding tub . Over thirty per cent of the workers in the meat industry are injured at some point , and that doesn 't include the carpel tunnel problems and other conditions caused by repetitive motions . Ask my husband about the arthritis in his shoulder and both thumbs . I can pretty much guarantee you that there is fecal matter ( and worse ) on any beef , pork , or poultry you buy at the store ; the few government inspectors that are still around close their eyes to what 's going on . I 've always been so proud of the delicious broth I make from those leg quarters I buy at the store , and now I realize I 've been adding some unwanted surprise ingredients to my noodles . Of course , if I bought the canned stuff in the store , it would likely be ten times worse , and not have half the flavor . That 's the most discouraging thing about this situation : There 's nothing to be done about it . You can become a vegetarian , I suppose , but those workers and animals are still going to be suffering for the rest of the carnivores in the country . I 'm telling you , if you read this book you will be seriously thinking about giving up meat . A couple of people have posed the question , " Why would you read something like that ? " Well , I can 't see just sticking my head in the sand and pretending it doesn 't happen . I am now considering raising a few chickens for our own use , I 'll tell you that much . I 'm going to include a video that most of you probably won 't want to watch . I don 't agree with all the complaDonna Wood Dairy cows have been bred down through the centuries to give more milk than a calf needs . MUCH more . I happen to have a weakness for Jersey cows , so in spite of the fact that we don 't need more than a half - gallon of milk each week , there are times we have a huge excess of milk . Eventually that dairy cow 's calf becomes big enough to be able to handle all the milk Mom can give , but it takes a couple of months to get them to that stage . I cannot ignore Bonnie 's swollen udder knowing she will get mastitis if I don 't relieve her of the excess , so I milk her once a day . Usually the calf has taken care of three of the quarters , but one hind quarter , so far , is full of milk when I go to the barn with my bucket . I get anywhere from a gallon to a gallon - and - a - half of milk . Every day . Now , I 've played around with cheese - making and cottage - cheese making . I churn butter and put it in the freezer . ( As if either of us needed any of that ! ) I can make ice cream , but that 's even worse for us , so I make it sparingly . The three cats get a little milk , still warm from the cow . The chickens get clabbered milk , but there are only three chickens , so they can 't consume much . And then I throw milk away . Mostly I skim off the cream for butter and throw skim milk away , but it still hurts to toss it . The other day I told Cliff , " If we had a pig , I wouldn 't be throwing away all this milk . " I was only talking to hear my head rattle , but he immediately started trying to figure out where we would put the pen , etc . " I wasn 't serious , " I said . " We have beef that 's been in the freezer for eighteen months that I 'm trying to use . We certainly don 't need any pork . " I 'm sure he was relieved that he wouldn 't be doing any pen - building any time soon . Besides , it looks like we 're in for a cold winter , and somebody would have to carry water to a pig every day . In the past we have raised pigs on excess milk mixed with wheat middlings or " shorts " , a by - product of milling flour . Oh , those were some fine , tasty pigs by the time they reached two hundred pounds apiece ! They would crowd , grunting and squealing , around the trough in such a manner that it was impossible not to pour the gravy - like mixture all over their heads . Pigs are fun - loving creatures that will keep you laughing ; they know how to enjoy life . I 'm sure in another couple of weeks Crystal will be taking all her mother 's milk , and I will then have to separate her from Bonnie overnight if I want some milk for household use . Of course , it 's only a few weeks until Jody will have her calf , and I 'll go through the same routine all over again . Why ? Because I love Jersey cows . Posted by About three days ago , the plastic sprayer thing at my kitchen sink broke at the base . Since that 's what was holding the base with the faucets in place , the whole mess was moving around when I swiveled the faucet from the right sink to the left one . It was a cheap faucet , as you might have figured out . Cliff looked it over ; I told him I could live with it like that for a few days if necessary . Yesterday he bought a new sprayer thingie , planning to put it in the hole in the base where the old one was . When I got up this morning I decided to dip some pretzels in almond bark before Cliff got up . I 'm always up two or three hours ahead of him , and I planned to do quite a bit of Christmas cooking and baking today . I was finishing dipping pretzels when he got up . We ate breakfast and went on our walk . Back at the house , Cliff decided to fix the faucet . The sprayer he bought wasn 't really made to be put on the base like the old one was , so Cliff rigged it . He spend a couple of hours working on it and thought he had everything working , but later I checked and found out there was a leak under the sink . Back to square one . I have learned that when Cliff is doing something like this , I mustn 't hover . He hates this sort of job anyway , and if I stay in the room with him I get on his nerves by suggesting things he might try ( when I have no idea what I 'm talking about ) , or worse yet , suggesting that maybe we should call a plumber . I do , however , stay within earshot and let him know I am standing by in case he needs a hand . I realized around 1 P . M . that there would be no baking done today . He made a trip to the nearest town and bought got the whole rig this time : New faucets , new handles . Brought it home and found out the ends didn 't connect properly to what was already here . Another trip to buy fittings that would make it work . Now the strayer thingie is not a part of the faucet base ; it 's in a separate hole . I actually like that a lot better . I think everything may be working . Cliff thought there was a slight leak at one place , but I have a container under it and so far haven 't seen anything . What we have decided is to make do for now ; if it does have a leak , we will probably call a plumber after Christmas . If it had been a weekday , I think Cliff would have called one today , but we 're sure they charge more on weekends . Anyway . Our marriage is intact , whether our plumbing is or not . And as I told a friend on Facebook , I would say we had a terrible day except that nobody is sick and we have a warm place to live . So in the grand scheme of things , it wasn 't such a bad day . Posted by Not a lot of snow , but the wind is blowing like crazy , fifty miles an hour and more . Since I was busy baking an apple pie , I sent Cliff out with the camera . Cliff 's brother at Higginsville was going to come and spend the day with Cliff in the shop , which is why I was baking a pie ; unfortunately he got stuck before he ever got out of his mile - long driveway . Oh well , Cliff , his sister Rena , and I will do our best to eat the pie . Hi , George and Gracie ! It 's a little crowded in there , but at least you are out of the wind . It took my daughter three - and - a - half hours to get to work this morning . Cliff 's sister got halfway to work , gave up , and came back home . It 's a mess . A friend got a good deal on fifty pounds of onions last week and shared the bounty with me . I believe I brought home five three - pound bags . I chopped a bag and a half to put in the freezer , then decided that was enough crying for one day . this is a gallon bag A while back I saw what I considered a good buy online . It was a Cuisinart ice cream freezer that makes one quart of ice cream . It 's on Amazon . com for $ 50 , but I got it for $ 30 including free shipping . Do you see the ice cream inside ? I love home - made ice cream , but if I make a gallon of it , I eat most of said gallon : NOT what the doctor ordered . So this baby is just the right size , as long as I don 't use it too often . It works like a charm , giving me ice cream in twenty minutes . Since I always have fresh milk and cream courtesy of Bonnie - the - Jersey - cow , there is no problem finding the ingredients needed . I simply took my old tried - and - true recipe and divided it by 1 / 4 . Oh , it was SO good ! Today is our big monthly shopping day . I imagine it will be a mess , with Christmas so close at hand . Wish me and the other one - fourth of senior citizens on Social Security who are shopping today good luck ! I get my piddly little Social Security money on the second Wednesday of the month ; Cliff 's is in the bank on the third Wednesday , and it burns a hole in my pocket until I get every bill paid and all the grocery shopping done . I notice our electric bill has gone down more than 30 % since we sold the hot tub . The savings is especially noticeable now that the weather is turning colder . First of all , if you are not on Facebook , you don 't know the seasonal craziness that goes on there sometimes . Each day I see about fifty different posts from people who insist NOBODY is going to stop them from saying Merry Christmas ; these people seem to have chips on their shoulders , as though they want to fight about it . I find this peculiar , since nobody has ever tried to stop me from saying Merry Christmas . It must be happening in other parts of the country . Today I saw this posted : Somehow I think there are a lot more important things Jesus misses , but I could be wrong . You know , things like loving your neighbor instead of yelling at him because he says happy holidays instead of Merry Christmas ? After all , the word Christmas isn 't even in the Bible . Nowhere in scriptures are we told to celebrate Jesus ' birth . Don 't get me wrong , I love Christmas as much as the next person . I have my little nativity set right there under the tree as usual . I even have the wise men worshipping Jesus in the manger , although the Bible seems to indicate they didn 't find him until he was between one and two years old , and living in a house . Matthew 2 : 11 " And when they were come into the house , they saw the young child with Mary his mother , and fell down , and worshipped him . . . " Nobody knows how many wise men there were , either . We only know three gifts were mentioned . Now , this next Facebook find is one I totally agree with . I hate that it doesn 't give the person 's name who said it , as I don 't like to use quotes without giving credit to the author ( knowing how Facebook works , I am surprised somebody didn 't credit Morgan Freeman with saying it ) . However , it struck such a chord with me that I am going to use it anyhow . If anyone can find out who said , or wrote , the following , please let me know . Well folks , I am still chugging along at three Mbps , the same speed I 've had ever since we moved back here behind the barn . The service guy ( nice fellow ) seemed relieved that I really never expected to get 10 Mbps . He checked everything out , did his best , and then called in to change us back to our original plan : DSL and a phone we can 't call out on . I told him when he came to the door that I was pretty sure that kind of Internet speed was impossible here . He agreed , saying there would have to be a lot of lines changed around for things to improve . A friend recently told me she was surprised we can get DSL out here at all , so I just thank my lucky stars for what I have . The sales people for CenturyLink need to stop selling a product that they cannot deliver . A lot of people wouldn 't be as easy to get along with as I was , and who are they going to yell at ? Not the person on the phone who dangled the impossible carrot in front of their noses , but the guy who comes to the house and has to break the news to them that somebody lied . And while I 'm at it , CenturyLink , don 't you think $ 65 a month is a pretty high price to pay for 3 meager Mbps ? How about a senior discount or something ? Anything ? Never mind . Just tell your sales representatives to stop selling something you can 't deliver . After the tragedy in Connecticut last Friday , I found no reason to blog . There was no motivation . I did not , and still do not , intend to address the whole matter at all : it has been paraded and discussed ad nauseam by the media folks who refuse to get out of that town and leave the grieving families to mourn in peace . Let 's just say that my Internet silence was my way of honoring those children . That is the only mention of these horrific events that you will see on this blog , because honestly , I do not feel worthy or qualified to discuss the situation . All I can do is pray for those people , and for the state of the world . Last week I called CenturyLink to complain about my poor Internet speed . After talking with the tech for a few minutes , I decided I should leave well enough alone and just be thankful for what I have . But then he dangled a carrot in front of me : " Did you know that we are offering a package that includes 10 Mbps ( whatever that is ) for only $ 5 more than you are now paying ? And this includes unlimited long distance on your phone . " I explained to the guy that we are far back from the road , and when we moved back here , they were unable to give me any more than 3 Mbps . Oh , but now they supposedly can , and they were going to check the lines out this way and do it today , Monday . I was going to have over three times the speed to which I am accustomed . Wow , bring it on ! This evening I noticed my Internet speed was about 50 more Mbps than usual . Yeah , less than four Mbps . My phone worked just fine , though , and I could call long distance numbers . Big deal . We have cell phones for that . I called customer service and after waiting on hold for about ten minutes , a very nice fellow came on to assist me . There 's a line problem . Someone will be out tomorrow . I tried to tell them it wouldn 't work out here in the boonies , but we 'll see . I 'll let you know how it turns out . Posted by The baby calves I used to bottle feed are growing up . I keep them in a pen by themselves all night , so they have all the alfalfa hay they want without having to fight the big guys for it . After all , they are still my babies . I give them two large coffee cans full of sweet feed once a day , but on the 17th , when they are three months old , that will be cut back to one can . As long as they have all the alfalfa hay they can eat , they should do just fine . When I turn them out to run with the herd in the morning , they hurry to the in - ground waterer and get a huge drink . Thankfully , they discovered this source of hydration three days ago , so I no longer have to carry water to them in freezing temperatures . The only reason I don 't leave the babies out with the herd twenty - four hours a day is that when the hay in the hay - ring gets low , it 's hard for small calves to reach it . Since Annie still gets milk from her mother , I hope she gets enough nourishment . I doubt she gets over a quart of milk a day , if that . I 'm pretty sure Babe doesn 't give much , even for a beef cow , because when Annie was born she spent way more time at the teat than is normal ; I think she was trying to get more milk than was there . She 's growing pretty well ; she just doesn 't have much extra meat on her bones . That hay - ring is badly beat up , so we are going to buy a new one today . This old one is made for horses ; we 'll buy a cattle ring this time ; it will stand up to the abuse better . It will likely be a better - built , too , since we 're getting it from M . F . A . instead of Orscheln 's . The cats , having their breakfast this morning . I should fill that empty water bowl , but they seem to prefer water from other sources anyhow . I 've been reading " Slaughterhouse : The Shocking Story of Greed , Neglect , and Inhumane Treatment Inside the Meat Industry " . I can see why some people turn vegetarian . This book is about current conditions . The USDA is useless . The government is useless . Everybody turns his head while people and animals suffer atrocities in these places . Someone asked me , " Why would you read a book like that ? " " Because I want to know what might end up on my table , " I answered . Meanwhile . . . This is Clyde , the animal the roast came from . Clyde had a wonderful life , living on his mother 's rich milk and our green pasture until the morning he died . He was never given hormones or antibiotics . He never had to live in a crowded feedlot . Clyde was butchered just a mile from home , and I 'm pretty sure he didn 't have to suffer the atrocities that most cattle and hogs do , in the huge facilities that process the meat for this country . Today I am very thankful for our forty - plus acres and for Bonnie - the - Jersey - cow , who provides us with both milk and meat . Posted by Dogs , you know , are such an easy study . If they do that little stretch - bowing thing , they want out , or they want to go for a walk . If they want to play , they bring you sticks and balls . Pet them and they are ecstatic . There is a reason for everything a dog does , right down to rolling in carrion . But cats ? There is no one - fits - all description . When I was a little girl I had several cats at different times . One even slept with me , and woke me up if she wanted to go out in the middle of the night . I think she 's the one that had kittens in a basket of clean laundry . Anyhow , back then all cats seemed friendly and normal . None of them rejected my affection . Either I was missing something , or I have changed . Or cats have . I have three neutered ( and spayed ) barn cats . There 's Jake , the male . He has gotten so huge he can barely get through the openings in the milking barn where the cats come and go . He seems friendly enough until you reach down to pet him ; then he rolls on his back and exposes his belly . If you start to rub his belly , he attacks your hand with teeth and claws . And do NOT stroke his back while he is eating his breakfast . I have no idea why he has this attitude . There 's Suzy , who is so wily I can 't even get a closeup picture of her , although I will admit things happened to her in the past that would make anybody suspicious . Don 't ask . Anyway , if I have lots of time to spare , I can sit on a hay - bale in the barn and say " kitty kitty " over and over for twenty minutes , she might deign to come over and rub against my leg ; if I move my hand toward her very slowly , she might allow me to stroke her . My friendliest cat is the mother of the above - mentioned felines . If I had immediately taken her in after she was abandoned by former neighbors , she would have been a cuddly , friendly cat . However , I didn 't want a mangy cat around climbing my screens and spraying my porch , so I ran her off . She and her scrawny , stunted kittens lived on field mice and whatever she could scrounge out of our trash barrel . Her life was not an easy one . Once I realized what a huntress she was , I switched tactics and started feeding her . The sickly kittens she had at the time didn 't make it , but she did . She had once been a little girl 's pet , so she would let me pet her and pick her up at times , but she was wary . She remembered the times I had hissed at her and run her off the porch or out of the barn . Obviously it hasn 't kept her off the porch , but now that I know she isn 't going to climb on my window screens and tear them up , I don 't mind . Why do cats always want to sit in my chair ? And if I leave a coat outside , why do they assume it is their own personal bed ? Cats assume too much , in my opinion . Mama Kitty takes a walk with us every day , which I think is rather sweet . She goes up and down every Why do they do what they do ? Here 's our group at the concert : In front is Lacey , who secured our tickets . Left to right in back : Christine , Me , and Anne , who drove us there . It was fun . Yesterday forenoon a Facebook friend messaged me and said her neighbor had four tickets to see " The Acoustic Christmas Show " . The neighbor and her daughter were going , but that left two tickets . Christine was invited , and she invited me along . " I 'll come and pick you up , " she said . My first impulse was to say No , thank you . I enjoy my evening routine : The sun sets , I shower and put on my jammies and watch whatever we have recorded to DVR with Cliff . I turn in between 9 and 10 . In fact , when this routine is broken , I have been known to whine about it . I 'm a stick in the mud , but I enjoy the rut I 'm in . However , I asked myself how many chances I get to do something like that and took her up on the offer . I told her Cliff would take me to her house , so that would save her one trip . The show was free for anybody ; all you had to do was take a new , unwrapped toy for the Salvation Army to give to children as Christmas gifts . Because one of the ladies we were going with had won tickets , we didn 't have to take toys , but the lady with the tickets took lots of them anyhow . The most recent country singer I have really cared about was Travis Tritt , and he was a has - been by the year 2000 . However , I did know a little bit about some of the performers on the stage . Big and Rich , for instance : Who hasn 't heard " Ride a Horse , Save a Cowboy " ? Never really cared for their style , but hey , we 're talking about a free show . After seeing them ? They are SO funny ! The show last night was laid - back , and yes , pretty much acoustic . There was much story - telling between all the performers and some good - natured ribbing . Imagine a few country singers sitting around the fireplace in one of their own homes , swapping stories and singing songs . That 's what it felt like , except for a few inebriated people in the audience around me . But then if it had been taking place in one of their homes , I imagine there would have been a few drinks passed around , too . The only other of the performers I had heard of was Kix Brooks , formerly of Brooks and Dunn . He was my favorite of the evening . Not only is he talented , but he comes off as being a really nice guy . Yeah , I liked him a lot . Randy Houser was there . Never heard of him in my life , but he is talented and cute . Had this not been so spur - of - the - moment , I would have contacted my daughter ahead of time . She could have told me a little about these modern country singers ; I 'm still living back in the Johnny Cash / Merle Haggard era , myself . And then there was Tyler Farr , a young man from Garden City , Missouri , who was simply overwhelmed to be sitting on the saYou can see a few pictures from the show HERE . Yes , my hum - drum routine was interrupted I 'm sleepy this morning . But it was a good time ! Charity Navigator Folks , if I sat down and made a list of the ways Meesha has influenced me , you would be amazed . He 's shared recipes that are now a regular part of our cousine . He has told me several ways to save money . The biggest contribution he has made to our lives out here in the boonies is mighty peculiar , because he is the reason ( in a roundabout way ) we opted for cremation rather than traditional burial , although he never mentioned the word " cremation " . He once did a blog entry entitled " Bury Me Like a Jew " , which got me thinking about the needless expense of funerals . My first thought , after reading his entry , was that Cliff and I should be buried like Jews , because there is no embalming and no fancy casket . Money saved ! That set me on an Internet search that ended with mine and Cliff 's decisions to be cremated . But that isn 't what this entry is about . I mentioned here on my blog that I wished there were a way to find out which charities can be trusted . Meesha gave me the answer : Charity Navigator . This site will tell you how much money actually goes to the cause to which you are giving , how much goes to administrative expenses , and so forth . If you set up an account there , you can group your favorite charities and actually donate to them through Charity Navigator ; I just did this today with the tiny little sum of money we chose to give . If you do it that way , Navigator gets a little contribution too . Charity Navigator rates the charities , giving them from one to four stars . If an organization has less than four stars , I don 't give to them ; this means we don 't donate to Salvation Army , which only has three ; don 't take that personally , it 's just my choice . I always talk things over with Cliff before I donate because , after all , it 's his money too . This year we agreed to divide our donation between the following : Those last two are local organizations ; it 's nice to keep one 's donated money close to home . If I had only had $ 10 to give , I would have divided it between these four charities this year . If ten thousand people donated $ 2 . 50 to a worthy cause , it would be enough to make a big difference . This year we can spare more than $ 10 . We are blessed . But I think many people feel like their tiny little drop in the bucket isn 't enough to help anybody . Don 't let that stop you from giving to the charity of your choice . Giving feels good , and every little bit helps . Posted by When I discovered the AOL Christian Senior chat room in 1998 , I had no idea how much the people I met there would change my life . Never in a million years would I have thought I would be flying to other parts of the country to meet these Internet people . At that point I had never even been on a commercial airplane . Because it was a " senior " chat room , most of us are not spring chickens ; some of us have died . My Arkansas friend , Lona , and a Tennessee buddy , Virginia , are gone . Cliff and I were guests in both their homes . Those ladies were the cream of the crop , and I will never forget them . You know how it is when you move , or leave a job where you 've worked for a long time : You swear you will keep in touch with your longtime friends , but as time goes by you totally lose touch . It 's been that way with a lot of my chat room friends , although thanks to Facebook , some of us have resurrected our friendships and renewed our ties . Dear Lord , I wish I was still that skinny ! But I digress . The ladies on either side of me in this picture are from Buffalo , New York . I think this picture was taken at the get - together in Dallas , Texas . On the left is another Donna , whose chat name was Pepsi . My AOL screen name was Mo2773 , so my chat name was Mo . On the right is Maria , AKA Gardone . She is 100 % Italian , and a spitfire of a lady . She is one of the most giving people I have ever met . Maria was a rare bird in the Christian chat room , being Catholic . There were a few folks who wanted to show her the error of her ways and " convert " her . She never let them bother her . At our chat reunions , Maria and I were the first ones awake each day , so we 'd drink coffee and keep one another company until others awoke . Maria tried Facebook for a brief time , but had a bad experience there when someone hacked her account and put some nasty stuff on her wall . She left and never returned , and I lost touch with her . At some time in the past few months , I got a Facebook friend request from some Donna person and I asked , " Do I know you ? " It was Pepsi ! SoLook ! That 's Tex on the right . Remember Tex ? I have a good feeling about the cheddar cheese I made yesterday . I think I will try it again today . You are supposed to wait over a month to sample it , so I need to have plenty . . . that 's IF it turns out right . I have the special thermometers required for cheese - making now , and I feel more confident . Now I have ricotta draining ; it 's made from the whey that 's a byproduct of making any cheese . All this cheese activity reminded me of something from my childhood . Every year the box - making plant where my dad worked would give us a little gift set at Christmas with all kinds of cheeses I had never heard of . My parents turned up their noses at these strange little packets of cheese from foreign lands , some of it made from goat milk . Not me ! I loved sampling all the different flavors , and I had them all to myself . I think Cliff got some of these gift cheese assortments several years ago too , from his employer . Those were fancier , though , with crackers and summer sausage included , and even a cute little jar of exotic mustard . Cliff enjoyed them too , so we shared the goodies . That 's your random Christmas memory for today . About the previous entry : I know it is graphic , but because this is in my neck of the woods , I want to get the word out about what is going on . One person left a comment saying she didn 't find the woman credible , and she could be right . The trouble is , these things are swept under the rug all the time . I recently read the book " Damaged " ( another freebie ) . It 's a true story that takes place in England . That woman took in a child that nobody else could deal with . In the end the truth was found out : Not only her father , but her mother and various relatives and other pedophiles had molested her in the worst possible ways . Nobody wanted to find out the truth , including the social worker . It was just too much trouble and there weren 't enough people who even cared to find out the truth . I would rather err on the side of caution . Posted by This is not the picture I intended to take . I noticed all my cows , as well as Adam 's two horses , were out on the point , some lying down and some up , grazing . From a distance I noticed Gracie , the little heifer in the foreground , snuggled up against another cow . That 's what I thought , until I got closer and realized Adam 's quarter horse , Tude , was laying with his head up , and that 's who Gracie was snuggled up against . That isn 't even normal ! I hurried to get the camera out of my pocket ; I wanted evidence of this . But I missed the picture I was going to take . Not only that , I missed getting a picture of Tude almost rolling on Grace . All I can do is show you this pathetic shot I took after all the action was over and all I can do is tell you what happened twenty seconds before I took it . But if you know cows and horses , and how they interact as well as I do , you probably don 't believe me . I 'm not even sure I believe me . Maybe I dreamed it . After several days with few visitors at the vacant house , suddenly it is a beehive of activity . This leads me to believe that indeed , someone has purchased it . This picture was taken today . For the past few days I have been working at teaching my two - and - a - half - month - old bottle calves what it means to be part of a herd , and how it feels to roam around on thirty - plus acres . They are too young to toss out there full - time , but they can start learning . Already they have learned that electric fence is liable to be found anywhere on the place , and after running through it twice , they now avoid it . They have learned to give Babe , the big Hereford , a wide berth ; she has a low tolerance for young whippersnappers not related to her . I wanted them to learn to keep their distance from from Adam 's horses , but Tude and Sassy have surprised me : For some reason , they let the two babies hang out with them in peace . Maybe they know Christmas is coming and figure Santa would want them to be nice to babies . Speaking of Adam 's two horses , notice my new header picture in which you can see Sassy showing off as she runs to greet Tude . George and Gracie , the two former bottle babies , are on the left . I turn them out after daylight and keep my eye on them . If the herd wanders off without them , I go out and encourage them to join the group . In the early evening I call them to the house , feed them sweet feed , and shut them in where they have their own private supply of hay with nobody to push them around . George 's rear end looks tacky , but he isn 't sick , he 's just been eating grass all day every day . As you can see , Bonnie and Crystal are doing just fine . I am trying my hand at making cheese again . Things went better this time ; I gave the rennet an hour longer to work than I did yesterday , and it set up nicely . If you have a Nook , or a Nook app , or if you read Nook books on your computer , I finally found out there are lots of free ebooks for it : Just go to Barnes and Noble 's website , go to the search feature for Nook books , and type in 0 . 00Mo A few months ago I mentioned getting rid of stuff . One of the items I was going to do something with was my mother 's hope chest , which was made for her by her dad when she was a teenager . It had been stored in the barn for years . I had made a feeble , very unsuccessful attempt to remove the varnish , which only put the poor thing in worse shape . In 2010 I did an entry about it , with pictures , HERE . My children are not sentimental about family mementoes passed down from people they never knew . I have no skills or patience at working with furniture . . . I 'm the person who doesn 't even bother to decorate her home . I sort of camp out wherever I live and I am perfectly happy that way . I was going to pay someone to restore the chest to its former glory , but once Cliff retired , we didn 't have extra funds for that . A cousin in Iowa read my entry last summer and emailed me , saying that if nobody else wanted the chest , she would take it . I was so happy to know this piece of furniture , made by my grandfather 's hands , would stay in the family . Pauline has several children , so there is a good chance it will be in the family for more generations . She sent me an email to let me know what she has done so far , and to tell me of the plans she has for this treasure . Here 's what she had to say about the project : " I am glad that I have the chest pretty well sanded . I still have to work on a couple of the legs and a couple spots on the top . I have decided to use wood pegs to attach the legs . And won 't put the wheels back on . The lid is still a challenge . I think we will have to shim around the edges of the top of the chest or possibly even turn the lid upside down . I couldn 't believe how many nails were in those legs . Just taking them off was a challenge . But it is starting to look good . Our oldest son , Jeff made a cedar chest when he was in high school , about 32 years ago . Since we save almost everything , I still had some pieces of cedar left . Now the question becomes , Where did I put it ? It took me a couple days to find , as I had moved it from the store room to the basement and finally to an out building in a barrel . After looking in the first two places my memory finally kicked in and I was able to find it . So I got the boards cut and are ready to lay in the bottom of the chest . I have enough that I could line the sides , but I don 't think I will . " So the chest is saved for future generations . I 'm happy , and glad I have a cousin industrious and talented enough to tackle this project . Cliff and I laughed at her comment about the nails , because we are pretty sure one of my parents was responsible for that . I think the legs fell off and they just nailed them back on any which way . Posted by I have attempted to make hard cheese no more than a half - dozen times . Once it actually looked and tasted like real cheese , similar to cheddar . Except it wasn 't yellow . You have to add coloring if you want yellow cheese . Another time it turned out to be a dry , crumbly cheese similar to Feta , and was very good used in salad even though it was supposed to be a hard cheese like Cheddar . The other three or four times , it was a total flop . I have played around with this cheese - making process enough to halfway know what the curds should look like before you start heating them . Yesterday afternoon I relieved Bonnie of her excess milk , brought it in and strained it , and poured it into a large stainless steel pan . I inoculated it with 1 / 4 cup of store - bought buttermilk , covered it with a towel , and let it set undisturbed until this morning . First thing when I got up , I dissolved half a rennet tablet in 1 / 4 cup water , stirred it into the milk , and let it sit for another hour . Then I cut the curd . I was supposed to end up with 1 / 2 inch curds , but for some reason the curds broke up into smaller bits and I knew I had another flop on my hands . Oh well , chickens love any sort of failed cheese product . I decided to taste the mess , anyhow , just to see . It tasted like cottage cheese ! Well hey , even though I did not use the proper recipe for cottage cheese , if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck . . . I don 't know why there is a yellowish cast to this picture . The colander and the curds are actually white . So I washed the curds in cold water a few times . They are draining right now , as you see in the picture . All I have to do is add a little cream . I may have cottage cheese with canned pears for breakfast . If I get a full gallon of milk from Bonnie again , I guess I will try for hard cheese again tomorrow . For a month or so after my Jersey cow has a calf , I am forced to milk her every day . When the calf finally is able to take all that milk , I go back to only milking when we need it . Right now I am throwing a lot of it away , but I am also keeping more in the house than usual , thinking I might get energetic enough to make cheese again . Today I decided to skim the cream off a couple of gallons of milk and churn butter . Although I have a Dazey churn about the same age I am , I am in the middle of a very interesting book , and I wanted one hand free to turn the page . Yes , even on an ereader you need a finger free to turn a page . So I put the cream in a gallon jar and shook it with my right hand and arm ; my left hand was free to deal with my book . This is before I got completely done washing the butter . Now , home - made butter made from the cream off raw milk doesn 't keep as long as what you buy in the store , and Cliff and I don 't use all that much butter . I decided to make some butterscotch cookies , thinking that would use most of it . Upon reading the recipe , though , I was reminded that I would be using half butter and half Crisco . Oh well , if worse comes to worse I can freeze it until I make cookies again . I always double this recipe , since it only makes enough cookies for about one cookie - sheet full . My husband and my daughter are ashamed of the appearance of my cookie sheets . Last time Rachel saw them , she said , " How long have you HAD those cookie sheets , anyway ? " She said she was sure she remembered them from when she was a kid . I bought that nasty - looking aluminum pan when I was still single ; the shiny stainless steel pan is actually , I believe , a sheet cake pan my mom passed along to me sometime during the first couple years Cliff and I were married ( we were married in 1966 ) . So I 've used them for over fifty - five years , and I believe they will serve me the rest of my life just fine . I love these cookies ! I seem to be on the mend now . I still have cold symptoms , but the fever is gone ; for that I am thankful . Just a couple degrees of fever had me feeling weak as a kitten and headachy . I never have headaches . Some have suggested I caught a cold from spending time in the 17 - degree temperatures when Bonnie gave birth a week ago , but wiser people than I say that isn 't how you catch a cold . The timing , however , couldn 't have been much worse . Why ? Because I have to milk Bonnie once a day to keep her udder in good health . Within two or three weeks , little Crystal will be able to take all that milk . Right now , four gallons a day is way to much for her little tummy to hold . For now , I have to relieve Bonnie of some of the excess once a day . Cliff offered to help , but he is not good at milking a cow . His hands are too big to wrap around a cow 's teat , and his thumbs have arthritis from years of pushing a knife , as a butcher ; so he can 't even use the forefinger - and - thumb method . Right now it 's a little tricky getting Bonnie and Crystal up to the barn , because Crystal playfully runs around in circles ( very hard to drive in a particular direction ) and Bonnie worries about her baby any time she is over three feet away from her . It will get easier as time goes on , but it was no fun dealing with this while I was feeling like one of the living dead . Once in the barn , Bonnie stands still with her head locked in the stanchion while she has sweet feed to eat , but when she runs out of feed she starts stomping and moving around . I am willing to give her two coffee cans of feed , but she could easily put away four cans or more while I am milking . That cow is a chow hound ! Because of an incident that took place over a year ago ( read about it HERE ) , I have been afraid to try and put the anti - kick device on her . However , I had Cliff go with me to the barn and put it on her the other day . . . at least he doesn 't have an artificial knee to worry about . When he put it on , she was a little upset about it . I know this because when a cow is upset , shDonna Wood |
I want you all to know how I appreciate each one of my readers . I love the comments and emails I get . Many of the comments on my blog are posted on Facebook these days , and those are great too . I 'm sharing an old song from the 50 's that expresses my wish for all of you in the coming year . MAY YOU ALWAYS There are more cows here than you think . Look beyond Babe , the big fat Hereford on the left , and you will see the shoulders of Bonnie - the - Jersey - cow . There are also two four - month - old calves , George and Gracie , on the other side of the hay ring , and Bonnie 's calf , Crystal , is out of the picture on the right . Eight head of cattle . Of course the biggest animals eat the most . On a side note , notice how big Red - the - bull is , in the above picture . Red wasn 't nearly as big in this picture We feed the cows in an electric - fenced enclosure that the horses can 't get into , since horses don 't need all that rich alfalfa hay . Their owner , Adam , comes to feed them every day . We thought we had a plentiful supply of hay , but that was before we bought Red - the - bull and George and Gracie . We have begun to wonder if our hay supply will last until spring . Because of the drought last year , big hay bales that would normally sell for $ 50 now bring $ 100 and more . People are selling four - year - old grass hay for ridiculous prices . Some farmers have baled dry cornstalks and are selling those bales for thirty dollars and more . It 's just too easy for our cows to stand right there waiting until they feel like eating some more . Imagine yourself in a room with a table , covered by plates full of your favorite foods ; as soon as you empty the plate , somebody fills it up again . You know , kind of like that period from Thanksgiving to New Year 's . Yeah , it 's like that . We decided to put the cows on a diet . Cliff rigged a gate at the entrance to the hay - ring area . Every evening around sunset I chase the cows out and shut the gate ; at daylight next morning I call them up and let them in to eat . Because George and Gracie are so young , and have no milk to supplement their diet , I bring them up to the barn overnight where they can continue to eat all the hay they want . There 's already a noticeable difference in how fast the hay disappears . Here 's hoping , not for an early spring with all the problems that would bring , but for a timely , wet , grass - growing spring ! Posted by 1 . In resealable food storage plastic bag , combine flour , salt , pepper and poultry seasoning . Add chicken , a few pieces at a time ; shake to coat . 2 . Heat oil in large skillet over medium heat until hot . Add chicken ; cook until browned on all sides . * Reduce heat to low ; cover and cook 30 minutes or until chicken is fork - tender and juices run clear . Remove cover during last 10 minutes of cooking to crisp chicken . That is the basic recipe I decided to work with , since it sounded vaguely like how my mother fried chicken . I acquired several packages containing two legs and two thighs ; I figured at least I would only be ruining four pieces of chicken instead of a whole fryer with each new effort . A friend , Ora , said to cook chicken very slowly . The first time I made an attempt , the chicken wasn 't terrible , but it was somewhat overcooked and dry . So on the next efforts I heeded Ora 's advice and used a lower flame for the browning process . This gave me better results . I picked up other random tips online , such as " don 't crowd the pieces " . After the first effort , I had complete success . Fried chicken isn 't something Cliff and I should be eating , so I don 't expect to be making it often . But there is great satisfaction in finally " breaking the code " on something I gave up on when I was in my twenties . Posted by I learned how to properly fry chicken . One should not try to move a full kettle of canned tomatoes from point A to point B until it cools off . Sweet potato plants can look totally dead and dry upon arrival and still come back to life . I have yet to see a portion of the USA that is any more beautiful than Colorado . Cats get fat and lazy once they 're neutered . If someone comes along who constantly " rubs me the wrong way " , all I have to do is keep my mouth shut and figure out the lesson I am supposed to be learning from that person . Oh yes , there is always a lesson there ; if I 'm wise , I will find it and put it to good use in my own life . Years ago , I read a book called " Lord , Change Me " . I 've forgotten what the book was even about , but the title has stayed with me . The older I get , the more I realize that I can 't change anybody else ; I can 't always change my circumstances ; but if I really try , I can work on my attitude , and that changes how I perceive difficult people . . . whether they are neighbors or relatives or politicians . You can 't rollerskate in a buffalo herd , but you can be happy if you 've a mind to . Travel east , travel west , after all , home is best . My Grandma Stevens had a throw pillow with those words on it ; I believe Uncle Paul got it for her during or after WWII . I think about it every time we leave home for several days . Life is even shorter than I thought . Posted by No , I haven 't given up blogging . As is usual this time of year , I don 't have a lot of enthusiasm for anything . The house ( the monstrosity , as I 've called it ) next door has no doubt been sold . Evidently the people plan to live in the house , because we saw a plumber over there this week . They have hauled trash to the back of the place for two weeks , and almost every day there is another huge bonfire . I feel certain that these people will tidy the place up , plant grass in the yard , and give us a better view to the west . The weather - guessers can 't make up their minds about a snowstorm that is headed this way . First they said we might get three to five inches , then they said we probably wouldn 't get anything , and now they are saying two and a half inches of snow . My daughter and her family are going to Carthage for Christmas , so I hope the roads don 't get bad until they get back home . As usual , we won 't be doing anything special on New Year 's Eve . I don 't do too well at staying up later than ten P . M . A few days ago I was thinking about the new year and said to myself , " 2013 is the year I 'll turn 69 . " And then it hit me , I 'll only be a year away from 70 . Whoa ! ! ! ! That sounds REALLY old . I know a lot of people who DIED in their 70 's ! Now you folks can go ahead and tell me I 'm only as old as I feel , but that doesn 't help much . I 'm pretty sure I feel about 75 . Don 't get me wrong , I 'm not complaining . I 'm just glad to be alive , able to walk and see and hear . I find I don 't have a lot of enthusiasm for anything these days , but I feel very blessed to have made it this far in life . I plan to garden again , but there will probably be more weeds than ever . I look forward to baby calves that will come along in the coming months . I look forward to spring . Meanwhile , I deal with winter by reading one book after another , and I have read some great ones lately . I am SO thankful for my Ipad , with the various apps that allow me to read books without spending any money . I realize this is a pathetic entry , but I felt I should check in . TPosted by Looking forward We had a nice couple of days , visited by my daughter , her husband , and their daughters ; ex - daughter - in - law Kat ; granddaughter Amber ; and grandson Arick and his sweetheart , Heather . None of them received a present from us , but they showed up anyway . We ate junk food all day yesterday and today : Cheese ball and crackers , hamburger dip and chips , and various things I had dipped in almond bark . My favorite Christmas cookie these days consists of peanut butter between two round crackers , dipped in chocolate - flavored almond bark . If you haven 't tried this , you MUST ! The daughter and her husband brought me a huge can of Topsy 's popcorn we 've all been munching on . Oh yes , it 's been an eating marathon around here . I got Cliff a DVD about his current favorite brand of tractor , " All About Olivers " . Since portions of it were filmed at a tractor show that we attended in Iowa , it was especially enjoyable . We like watching " Country 's Family Reunion " on RFDTV . I found an excellent buy on a four - DVD set , " Country 's Family Reunion at the Ryman " . If you go to that link , pay no attention to the price they 're asking ; I found it , used , for $ 49 . 99 . I got this as a gift for my husband , but it was for me as much as for him . The old - time country artists ( those who are still alive ) get together and talk about the old days and sing their hits from the 40 's , 50 's , and 60 's . You 'd have to be as old as we are and love country music to appreciate it , but it 's right up our alley . I also got Cliff some shirts that feature his favorite tractors . He got me some gloves and ( YES ! ! ! ) some new Muck Boots ! The tall Muck boots I bought three years ago are still in fine shape , but my shorter ones were totally worn out . If you live in the country , if you take walks in winter , if you wade through mud to do any sort of chores at any time of year . . . you need to part with a handful of money and get some Muck boots . Am I the only one who breathes a sigh of relief when Christmas is over , even if it 's been a wonderful one ? I 'm pretty sure this wasNow we can hunker down , get through winter ( looks like it may be a bitter one this year ) and look forward to spring . Posted by Growing up in the Church of Christ , Christmas wasn 't celebrated in a religious way . Everybody but the most strict members had Christmas trees at home , and lots of presents , but it wasn 't even mentioned at Church because Christmas isn 't mentioned in the Bible . Still , we had school Christmas programs , and sometimes Mother and I would attend the Christmas programs at other churches . Cliff and I have talked a lot about our childhoods and how different they were . We both have good Christmas memories ; Cliff remembers his dad pointing out Santa 's sleigh flying through the sky , and yes , little Clifford saw it . I recall the time my mom and I went to the Methodist Church 's Christmas program in Guss , Iowa , and Daddy stayed home with the switchboard . When we got home , Daddy was sound asleep on the couch and Santa had sneaked in and filled my stockings ! I couldn 't believe my daddy slept right through Santa 's visit . Cliff 's childhood didn 't go as smoothly as mine , but he had good times . As for me , I never had any worries . I knew I was loved . Life was fun . I didn 't have a lot of interaction with other kids , but because I had a good imagination , I always had plenty of cowboys and Indians to play with ( in my mind , but still ) . On the holidays my sister 's family would come from Kansas City and my brother 's family from Des Moines . Mother would go into a baking frenzy . Good times and lots of food , back when I didn 't even know what a calorie was . Cliff and I don 't normally do presents , but this year I kept finding things on the Internet that I knew he would love , and he said he would feel bad unwrapping gifts if I didn 't have something . So we both had packages to open last night . me and my nephew Larry I want to wish all my readers the best of the season . I hope Santa brings joy to all of you . If you don 't have family around , then enjoy memories of Christmas 's past . I 'm not having a particularly blue Christmas , but I love to listen to my favorite version of the song : A while back I mentioned here that I was reading a book written in 1905 about the meat industry : " The Jungle " by Upton Sinclair . I thought everything that was going on back then was a thing of the past . Boy , was I wrong . I just finished " Slaughterhouse : The shocking story of greed , neglect , and inhumane treatment inside the US meat industry " , a book was written in 2006 . Few things have changed . Meat packers insist on running the lines so fast that some cattle are still alive when they are being skinned . Some hogs are still squealing when they get to the scalding tub . Over thirty per cent of the workers in the meat industry are injured at some point , and that doesn 't include the carpel tunnel problems and other conditions caused by repetitive motions . Ask my husband about the arthritis in his shoulder and both thumbs . I can pretty much guarantee you that there is fecal matter ( and worse ) on any beef , pork , or poultry you buy at the store ; the few government inspectors that are still around close their eyes to what 's going on . I 've always been so proud of the delicious broth I make from those leg quarters I buy at the store , and now I realize I 've been adding some unwanted surprise ingredients to my noodles . Of course , if I bought the canned stuff in the store , it would likely be ten times worse , and not have half the flavor . That 's the most discouraging thing about this situation : There 's nothing to be done about it . You can become a vegetarian , I suppose , but those workers and animals are still going to be suffering for the rest of the carnivores in the country . I 'm telling you , if you read this book you will be seriously thinking about giving up meat . A couple of people have posed the question , " Why would you read something like that ? " Well , I can 't see just sticking my head in the sand and pretending it doesn 't happen . I am now considering raising a few chickens for our own use , I 'll tell you that much . I 'm going to include a video that most of you probably won 't want to watch . I don 't agree with all the complaDonna Wood Dairy cows have been bred down through the centuries to give more milk than a calf needs . MUCH more . I happen to have a weakness for Jersey cows , so in spite of the fact that we don 't need more than a half - gallon of milk each week , there are times we have a huge excess of milk . Eventually that dairy cow 's calf becomes big enough to be able to handle all the milk Mom can give , but it takes a couple of months to get them to that stage . I cannot ignore Bonnie 's swollen udder knowing she will get mastitis if I don 't relieve her of the excess , so I milk her once a day . Usually the calf has taken care of three of the quarters , but one hind quarter , so far , is full of milk when I go to the barn with my bucket . I get anywhere from a gallon to a gallon - and - a - half of milk . Every day . Now , I 've played around with cheese - making and cottage - cheese making . I churn butter and put it in the freezer . ( As if either of us needed any of that ! ) I can make ice cream , but that 's even worse for us , so I make it sparingly . The three cats get a little milk , still warm from the cow . The chickens get clabbered milk , but there are only three chickens , so they can 't consume much . And then I throw milk away . Mostly I skim off the cream for butter and throw skim milk away , but it still hurts to toss it . The other day I told Cliff , " If we had a pig , I wouldn 't be throwing away all this milk . " I was only talking to hear my head rattle , but he immediately started trying to figure out where we would put the pen , etc . " I wasn 't serious , " I said . " We have beef that 's been in the freezer for eighteen months that I 'm trying to use . We certainly don 't need any pork . " I 'm sure he was relieved that he wouldn 't be doing any pen - building any time soon . Besides , it looks like we 're in for a cold winter , and somebody would have to carry water to a pig every day . In the past we have raised pigs on excess milk mixed with wheat middlings or " shorts " , a by - product of milling flour . Oh , those were some fine , tasty pigs by the time they reached two hundred pounds apiece ! They would crowd , grunting and squealing , around the trough in such a manner that it was impossible not to pour the gravy - like mixture all over their heads . Pigs are fun - loving creatures that will keep you laughing ; they know how to enjoy life . I 'm sure in another couple of weeks Crystal will be taking all her mother 's milk , and I will then have to separate her from Bonnie overnight if I want some milk for household use . Of course , it 's only a few weeks until Jody will have her calf , and I 'll go through the same routine all over again . Why ? Because I love Jersey cows . Posted by About three days ago , the plastic sprayer thing at my kitchen sink broke at the base . Since that 's what was holding the base with the faucets in place , the whole mess was moving around when I swiveled the faucet from the right sink to the left one . It was a cheap faucet , as you might have figured out . Cliff looked it over ; I told him I could live with it like that for a few days if necessary . Yesterday he bought a new sprayer thingie , planning to put it in the hole in the base where the old one was . When I got up this morning I decided to dip some pretzels in almond bark before Cliff got up . I 'm always up two or three hours ahead of him , and I planned to do quite a bit of Christmas cooking and baking today . I was finishing dipping pretzels when he got up . We ate breakfast and went on our walk . Back at the house , Cliff decided to fix the faucet . The sprayer he bought wasn 't really made to be put on the base like the old one was , so Cliff rigged it . He spend a couple of hours working on it and thought he had everything working , but later I checked and found out there was a leak under the sink . Back to square one . I have learned that when Cliff is doing something like this , I mustn 't hover . He hates this sort of job anyway , and if I stay in the room with him I get on his nerves by suggesting things he might try ( when I have no idea what I 'm talking about ) , or worse yet , suggesting that maybe we should call a plumber . I do , however , stay within earshot and let him know I am standing by in case he needs a hand . I realized around 1 P . M . that there would be no baking done today . He made a trip to the nearest town and bought got the whole rig this time : New faucets , new handles . Brought it home and found out the ends didn 't connect properly to what was already here . Another trip to buy fittings that would make it work . Now the strayer thingie is not a part of the faucet base ; it 's in a separate hole . I actually like that a lot better . I think everything may be working . Cliff thought there was a slight leak at one place , but I have a container under it and so far haven 't seen anything . What we have decided is to make do for now ; if it does have a leak , we will probably call a plumber after Christmas . If it had been a weekday , I think Cliff would have called one today , but we 're sure they charge more on weekends . Anyway . Our marriage is intact , whether our plumbing is or not . And as I told a friend on Facebook , I would say we had a terrible day except that nobody is sick and we have a warm place to live . So in the grand scheme of things , it wasn 't such a bad day . Posted by Not a lot of snow , but the wind is blowing like crazy , fifty miles an hour and more . Since I was busy baking an apple pie , I sent Cliff out with the camera . Cliff 's brother at Higginsville was going to come and spend the day with Cliff in the shop , which is why I was baking a pie ; unfortunately he got stuck before he ever got out of his mile - long driveway . Oh well , Cliff , his sister Rena , and I will do our best to eat the pie . Hi , George and Gracie ! It 's a little crowded in there , but at least you are out of the wind . It took my daughter three - and - a - half hours to get to work this morning . Cliff 's sister got halfway to work , gave up , and came back home . It 's a mess . A friend got a good deal on fifty pounds of onions last week and shared the bounty with me . I believe I brought home five three - pound bags . I chopped a bag and a half to put in the freezer , then decided that was enough crying for one day . this is a gallon bag A while back I saw what I considered a good buy online . It was a Cuisinart ice cream freezer that makes one quart of ice cream . It 's on Amazon . com for $ 50 , but I got it for $ 30 including free shipping . Do you see the ice cream inside ? I love home - made ice cream , but if I make a gallon of it , I eat most of said gallon : NOT what the doctor ordered . So this baby is just the right size , as long as I don 't use it too often . It works like a charm , giving me ice cream in twenty minutes . Since I always have fresh milk and cream courtesy of Bonnie - the - Jersey - cow , there is no problem finding the ingredients needed . I simply took my old tried - and - true recipe and divided it by 1 / 4 . Oh , it was SO good ! Today is our big monthly shopping day . I imagine it will be a mess , with Christmas so close at hand . Wish me and the other one - fourth of senior citizens on Social Security who are shopping today good luck ! I get my piddly little Social Security money on the second Wednesday of the month ; Cliff 's is in the bank on the third Wednesday , and it burns a hole in my pocket until I get every bill paid and all the grocery shopping done . I notice our electric bill has gone down more than 30 % since we sold the hot tub . The savings is especially noticeable now that the weather is turning colder . First of all , if you are not on Facebook , you don 't know the seasonal craziness that goes on there sometimes . Each day I see about fifty different posts from people who insist NOBODY is going to stop them from saying Merry Christmas ; these people seem to have chips on their shoulders , as though they want to fight about it . I find this peculiar , since nobody has ever tried to stop me from saying Merry Christmas . It must be happening in other parts of the country . Today I saw this posted : Somehow I think there are a lot more important things Jesus misses , but I could be wrong . You know , things like loving your neighbor instead of yelling at him because he says happy holidays instead of Merry Christmas ? After all , the word Christmas isn 't even in the Bible . Nowhere in scriptures are we told to celebrate Jesus ' birth . Don 't get me wrong , I love Christmas as much as the next person . I have my little nativity set right there under the tree as usual . I even have the wise men worshipping Jesus in the manger , although the Bible seems to indicate they didn 't find him until he was between one and two years old , and living in a house . Matthew 2 : 11 " And when they were come into the house , they saw the young child with Mary his mother , and fell down , and worshipped him . . . " Nobody knows how many wise men there were , either . We only know three gifts were mentioned . Now , this next Facebook find is one I totally agree with . I hate that it doesn 't give the person 's name who said it , as I don 't like to use quotes without giving credit to the author ( knowing how Facebook works , I am surprised somebody didn 't credit Morgan Freeman with saying it ) . However , it struck such a chord with me that I am going to use it anyhow . If anyone can find out who said , or wrote , the following , please let me know . Well folks , I am still chugging along at three Mbps , the same speed I 've had ever since we moved back here behind the barn . The service guy ( nice fellow ) seemed relieved that I really never expected to get 10 Mbps . He checked everything out , did his best , and then called in to change us back to our original plan : DSL and a phone we can 't call out on . I told him when he came to the door that I was pretty sure that kind of Internet speed was impossible here . He agreed , saying there would have to be a lot of lines changed around for things to improve . A friend recently told me she was surprised we can get DSL out here at all , so I just thank my lucky stars for what I have . The sales people for CenturyLink need to stop selling a product that they cannot deliver . A lot of people wouldn 't be as easy to get along with as I was , and who are they going to yell at ? Not the person on the phone who dangled the impossible carrot in front of their noses , but the guy who comes to the house and has to break the news to them that somebody lied . And while I 'm at it , CenturyLink , don 't you think $ 65 a month is a pretty high price to pay for 3 meager Mbps ? How about a senior discount or something ? Anything ? Never mind . Just tell your sales representatives to stop selling something you can 't deliver . After the tragedy in Connecticut last Friday , I found no reason to blog . There was no motivation . I did not , and still do not , intend to address the whole matter at all : it has been paraded and discussed ad nauseam by the media folks who refuse to get out of that town and leave the grieving families to mourn in peace . Let 's just say that my Internet silence was my way of honoring those children . That is the only mention of these horrific events that you will see on this blog , because honestly , I do not feel worthy or qualified to discuss the situation . All I can do is pray for those people , and for the state of the world . Last week I called CenturyLink to complain about my poor Internet speed . After talking with the tech for a few minutes , I decided I should leave well enough alone and just be thankful for what I have . But then he dangled a carrot in front of me : " Did you know that we are offering a package that includes 10 Mbps ( whatever that is ) for only $ 5 more than you are now paying ? And this includes unlimited long distance on your phone . " I explained to the guy that we are far back from the road , and when we moved back here , they were unable to give me any more than 3 Mbps . Oh , but now they supposedly can , and they were going to check the lines out this way and do it today , Monday . I was going to have over three times the speed to which I am accustomed . Wow , bring it on ! This evening I noticed my Internet speed was about 50 more Mbps than usual . Yeah , less than four Mbps . My phone worked just fine , though , and I could call long distance numbers . Big deal . We have cell phones for that . I called customer service and after waiting on hold for about ten minutes , a very nice fellow came on to assist me . There 's a line problem . Someone will be out tomorrow . I tried to tell them it wouldn 't work out here in the boonies , but we 'll see . I 'll let you know how it turns out . Posted by The baby calves I used to bottle feed are growing up . I keep them in a pen by themselves all night , so they have all the alfalfa hay they want without having to fight the big guys for it . After all , they are still my babies . I give them two large coffee cans full of sweet feed once a day , but on the 17th , when they are three months old , that will be cut back to one can . As long as they have all the alfalfa hay they can eat , they should do just fine . When I turn them out to run with the herd in the morning , they hurry to the in - ground waterer and get a huge drink . Thankfully , they discovered this source of hydration three days ago , so I no longer have to carry water to them in freezing temperatures . The only reason I don 't leave the babies out with the herd twenty - four hours a day is that when the hay in the hay - ring gets low , it 's hard for small calves to reach it . Since Annie still gets milk from her mother , I hope she gets enough nourishment . I doubt she gets over a quart of milk a day , if that . I 'm pretty sure Babe doesn 't give much , even for a beef cow , because when Annie was born she spent way more time at the teat than is normal ; I think she was trying to get more milk than was there . She 's growing pretty well ; she just doesn 't have much extra meat on her bones . That hay - ring is badly beat up , so we are going to buy a new one today . This old one is made for horses ; we 'll buy a cattle ring this time ; it will stand up to the abuse better . It will likely be a better - built , too , since we 're getting it from M . F . A . instead of Orscheln 's . The cats , having their breakfast this morning . I should fill that empty water bowl , but they seem to prefer water from other sources anyhow . I 've been reading " Slaughterhouse : The Shocking Story of Greed , Neglect , and Inhumane Treatment Inside the Meat Industry " . I can see why some people turn vegetarian . This book is about current conditions . The USDA is useless . The government is useless . Everybody turns his head while people and animals suffer atrocities in these places . Someone asked me , " Why would you read a book like that ? " " Because I want to know what might end up on my table , " I answered . Meanwhile . . . This is Clyde , the animal the roast came from . Clyde had a wonderful life , living on his mother 's rich milk and our green pasture until the morning he died . He was never given hormones or antibiotics . He never had to live in a crowded feedlot . Clyde was butchered just a mile from home , and I 'm pretty sure he didn 't have to suffer the atrocities that most cattle and hogs do , in the huge facilities that process the meat for this country . Today I am very thankful for our forty - plus acres and for Bonnie - the - Jersey - cow , who provides us with both milk and meat . Posted by Dogs , you know , are such an easy study . If they do that little stretch - bowing thing , they want out , or they want to go for a walk . If they want to play , they bring you sticks and balls . Pet them and they are ecstatic . There is a reason for everything a dog does , right down to rolling in carrion . But cats ? There is no one - fits - all description . When I was a little girl I had several cats at different times . One even slept with me , and woke me up if she wanted to go out in the middle of the night . I think she 's the one that had kittens in a basket of clean laundry . Anyhow , back then all cats seemed friendly and normal . None of them rejected my affection . Either I was missing something , or I have changed . Or cats have . I have three neutered ( and spayed ) barn cats . There 's Jake , the male . He has gotten so huge he can barely get through the openings in the milking barn where the cats come and go . He seems friendly enough until you reach down to pet him ; then he rolls on his back and exposes his belly . If you start to rub his belly , he attacks your hand with teeth and claws . And do NOT stroke his back while he is eating his breakfast . I have no idea why he has this attitude . There 's Suzy , who is so wily I can 't even get a closeup picture of her , although I will admit things happened to her in the past that would make anybody suspicious . Don 't ask . Anyway , if I have lots of time to spare , I can sit on a hay - bale in the barn and say " kitty kitty " over and over for twenty minutes , she might deign to come over and rub against my leg ; if I move my hand toward her very slowly , she might allow me to stroke her . My friendliest cat is the mother of the above - mentioned felines . If I had immediately taken her in after she was abandoned by former neighbors , she would have been a cuddly , friendly cat . However , I didn 't want a mangy cat around climbing my screens and spraying my porch , so I ran her off . She and her scrawny , stunted kittens lived on field mice and whatever she could scrounge out of our trash barrel . Her life was not an easy one . Once I realized what a huntress she was , I switched tactics and started feeding her . The sickly kittens she had at the time didn 't make it , but she did . She had once been a little girl 's pet , so she would let me pet her and pick her up at times , but she was wary . She remembered the times I had hissed at her and run her off the porch or out of the barn . Obviously it hasn 't kept her off the porch , but now that I know she isn 't going to climb on my window screens and tear them up , I don 't mind . Why do cats always want to sit in my chair ? And if I leave a coat outside , why do they assume it is their own personal bed ? Cats assume too much , in my opinion . Mama Kitty takes a walk with us every day , which I think is rather sweet . She goes up and down every Why do they do what they do ? Here 's our group at the concert : In front is Lacey , who secured our tickets . Left to right in back : Christine , Me , and Anne , who drove us there . It was fun . Yesterday forenoon a Facebook friend messaged me and said her neighbor had four tickets to see " The Acoustic Christmas Show " . The neighbor and her daughter were going , but that left two tickets . Christine was invited , and she invited me along . " I 'll come and pick you up , " she said . My first impulse was to say No , thank you . I enjoy my evening routine : The sun sets , I shower and put on my jammies and watch whatever we have recorded to DVR with Cliff . I turn in between 9 and 10 . In fact , when this routine is broken , I have been known to whine about it . I 'm a stick in the mud , but I enjoy the rut I 'm in . However , I asked myself how many chances I get to do something like that and took her up on the offer . I told her Cliff would take me to her house , so that would save her one trip . The show was free for anybody ; all you had to do was take a new , unwrapped toy for the Salvation Army to give to children as Christmas gifts . Because one of the ladies we were going with had won tickets , we didn 't have to take toys , but the lady with the tickets took lots of them anyhow . The most recent country singer I have really cared about was Travis Tritt , and he was a has - been by the year 2000 . However , I did know a little bit about some of the performers on the stage . Big and Rich , for instance : Who hasn 't heard " Ride a Horse , Save a Cowboy " ? Never really cared for their style , but hey , we 're talking about a free show . After seeing them ? They are SO funny ! The show last night was laid - back , and yes , pretty much acoustic . There was much story - telling between all the performers and some good - natured ribbing . Imagine a few country singers sitting around the fireplace in one of their own homes , swapping stories and singing songs . That 's what it felt like , except for a few inebriated people in the audience around me . But then if it had been taking place in one of their homes , I imagine there would have been a few drinks passed around , too . The only other of the performers I had heard of was Kix Brooks , formerly of Brooks and Dunn . He was my favorite of the evening . Not only is he talented , but he comes off as being a really nice guy . Yeah , I liked him a lot . Randy Houser was there . Never heard of him in my life , but he is talented and cute . Had this not been so spur - of - the - moment , I would have contacted my daughter ahead of time . She could have told me a little about these modern country singers ; I 'm still living back in the Johnny Cash / Merle Haggard era , myself . And then there was Tyler Farr , a young man from Garden City , Missouri , who was simply overwhelmed to be sitting on the saYou can see a few pictures from the show HERE . Yes , my hum - drum routine was interrupted I 'm sleepy this morning . But it was a good time ! Charity Navigator Folks , if I sat down and made a list of the ways Meesha has influenced me , you would be amazed . He 's shared recipes that are now a regular part of our cousine . He has told me several ways to save money . The biggest contribution he has made to our lives out here in the boonies is mighty peculiar , because he is the reason ( in a roundabout way ) we opted for cremation rather than traditional burial , although he never mentioned the word " cremation " . He once did a blog entry entitled " Bury Me Like a Jew " , which got me thinking about the needless expense of funerals . My first thought , after reading his entry , was that Cliff and I should be buried like Jews , because there is no embalming and no fancy casket . Money saved ! That set me on an Internet search that ended with mine and Cliff 's decisions to be cremated . But that isn 't what this entry is about . I mentioned here on my blog that I wished there were a way to find out which charities can be trusted . Meesha gave me the answer : Charity Navigator . This site will tell you how much money actually goes to the cause to which you are giving , how much goes to administrative expenses , and so forth . If you set up an account there , you can group your favorite charities and actually donate to them through Charity Navigator ; I just did this today with the tiny little sum of money we chose to give . If you do it that way , Navigator gets a little contribution too . Charity Navigator rates the charities , giving them from one to four stars . If an organization has less than four stars , I don 't give to them ; this means we don 't donate to Salvation Army , which only has three ; don 't take that personally , it 's just my choice . I always talk things over with Cliff before I donate because , after all , it 's his money too . This year we agreed to divide our donation between the following : Those last two are local organizations ; it 's nice to keep one 's donated money close to home . If I had only had $ 10 to give , I would have divided it between these four charities this year . If ten thousand people donated $ 2 . 50 to a worthy cause , it would be enough to make a big difference . This year we can spare more than $ 10 . We are blessed . But I think many people feel like their tiny little drop in the bucket isn 't enough to help anybody . Don 't let that stop you from giving to the charity of your choice . Giving feels good , and every little bit helps . Posted by When I discovered the AOL Christian Senior chat room in 1998 , I had no idea how much the people I met there would change my life . Never in a million years would I have thought I would be flying to other parts of the country to meet these Internet people . At that point I had never even been on a commercial airplane . Because it was a " senior " chat room , most of us are not spring chickens ; some of us have died . My Arkansas friend , Lona , and a Tennessee buddy , Virginia , are gone . Cliff and I were guests in both their homes . Those ladies were the cream of the crop , and I will never forget them . You know how it is when you move , or leave a job where you 've worked for a long time : You swear you will keep in touch with your longtime friends , but as time goes by you totally lose touch . It 's been that way with a lot of my chat room friends , although thanks to Facebook , some of us have resurrected our friendships and renewed our ties . Dear Lord , I wish I was still that skinny ! But I digress . The ladies on either side of me in this picture are from Buffalo , New York . I think this picture was taken at the get - together in Dallas , Texas . On the left is another Donna , whose chat name was Pepsi . My AOL screen name was Mo2773 , so my chat name was Mo . On the right is Maria , AKA Gardone . She is 100 % Italian , and a spitfire of a lady . She is one of the most giving people I have ever met . Maria was a rare bird in the Christian chat room , being Catholic . There were a few folks who wanted to show her the error of her ways and " convert " her . She never let them bother her . At our chat reunions , Maria and I were the first ones awake each day , so we 'd drink coffee and keep one another company until others awoke . Maria tried Facebook for a brief time , but had a bad experience there when someone hacked her account and put some nasty stuff on her wall . She left and never returned , and I lost touch with her . At some time in the past few months , I got a Facebook friend request from some Donna person and I asked , " Do I know you ? " It was Pepsi ! SoLook ! That 's Tex on the right . Remember Tex ? I have a good feeling about the cheddar cheese I made yesterday . I think I will try it again today . You are supposed to wait over a month to sample it , so I need to have plenty . . . that 's IF it turns out right . I have the special thermometers required for cheese - making now , and I feel more confident . Now I have ricotta draining ; it 's made from the whey that 's a byproduct of making any cheese . All this cheese activity reminded me of something from my childhood . Every year the box - making plant where my dad worked would give us a little gift set at Christmas with all kinds of cheeses I had never heard of . My parents turned up their noses at these strange little packets of cheese from foreign lands , some of it made from goat milk . Not me ! I loved sampling all the different flavors , and I had them all to myself . I think Cliff got some of these gift cheese assortments several years ago too , from his employer . Those were fancier , though , with crackers and summer sausage included , and even a cute little jar of exotic mustard . Cliff enjoyed them too , so we shared the goodies . That 's your random Christmas memory for today . About the previous entry : I know it is graphic , but because this is in my neck of the woods , I want to get the word out about what is going on . One person left a comment saying she didn 't find the woman credible , and she could be right . The trouble is , these things are swept under the rug all the time . I recently read the book " Damaged " ( another freebie ) . It 's a true story that takes place in England . That woman took in a child that nobody else could deal with . In the end the truth was found out : Not only her father , but her mother and various relatives and other pedophiles had molested her in the worst possible ways . Nobody wanted to find out the truth , including the social worker . It was just too much trouble and there weren 't enough people who even cared to find out the truth . I would rather err on the side of caution . Posted by This is not the picture I intended to take . I noticed all my cows , as well as Adam 's two horses , were out on the point , some lying down and some up , grazing . From a distance I noticed Gracie , the little heifer in the foreground , snuggled up against another cow . That 's what I thought , until I got closer and realized Adam 's quarter horse , Tude , was laying with his head up , and that 's who Gracie was snuggled up against . That isn 't even normal ! I hurried to get the camera out of my pocket ; I wanted evidence of this . But I missed the picture I was going to take . Not only that , I missed getting a picture of Tude almost rolling on Grace . All I can do is show you this pathetic shot I took after all the action was over and all I can do is tell you what happened twenty seconds before I took it . But if you know cows and horses , and how they interact as well as I do , you probably don 't believe me . I 'm not even sure I believe me . Maybe I dreamed it . After several days with few visitors at the vacant house , suddenly it is a beehive of activity . This leads me to believe that indeed , someone has purchased it . This picture was taken today . For the past few days I have been working at teaching my two - and - a - half - month - old bottle calves what it means to be part of a herd , and how it feels to roam around on thirty - plus acres . They are too young to toss out there full - time , but they can start learning . Already they have learned that electric fence is liable to be found anywhere on the place , and after running through it twice , they now avoid it . They have learned to give Babe , the big Hereford , a wide berth ; she has a low tolerance for young whippersnappers not related to her . I wanted them to learn to keep their distance from from Adam 's horses , but Tude and Sassy have surprised me : For some reason , they let the two babies hang out with them in peace . Maybe they know Christmas is coming and figure Santa would want them to be nice to babies . Speaking of Adam 's two horses , notice my new header picture in which you can see Sassy showing off as she runs to greet Tude . George and Gracie , the two former bottle babies , are on the left . I turn them out after daylight and keep my eye on them . If the herd wanders off without them , I go out and encourage them to join the group . In the early evening I call them to the house , feed them sweet feed , and shut them in where they have their own private supply of hay with nobody to push them around . George 's rear end looks tacky , but he isn 't sick , he 's just been eating grass all day every day . As you can see , Bonnie and Crystal are doing just fine . I am trying my hand at making cheese again . Things went better this time ; I gave the rennet an hour longer to work than I did yesterday , and it set up nicely . If you have a Nook , or a Nook app , or if you read Nook books on your computer , I finally found out there are lots of free ebooks for it : Just go to Barnes and Noble 's website , go to the search feature for Nook books , and type in 0 . 00Mo A few months ago I mentioned getting rid of stuff . One of the items I was going to do something with was my mother 's hope chest , which was made for her by her dad when she was a teenager . It had been stored in the barn for years . I had made a feeble , very unsuccessful attempt to remove the varnish , which only put the poor thing in worse shape . In 2010 I did an entry about it , with pictures , HERE . My children are not sentimental about family mementoes passed down from people they never knew . I have no skills or patience at working with furniture . . . I 'm the person who doesn 't even bother to decorate her home . I sort of camp out wherever I live and I am perfectly happy that way . I was going to pay someone to restore the chest to its former glory , but once Cliff retired , we didn 't have extra funds for that . A cousin in Iowa read my entry last summer and emailed me , saying that if nobody else wanted the chest , she would take it . I was so happy to know this piece of furniture , made by my grandfather 's hands , would stay in the family . Pauline has several children , so there is a good chance it will be in the family for more generations . She sent me an email to let me know what she has done so far , and to tell me of the plans she has for this treasure . Here 's what she had to say about the project : " I am glad that I have the chest pretty well sanded . I still have to work on a couple of the legs and a couple spots on the top . I have decided to use wood pegs to attach the legs . And won 't put the wheels back on . The lid is still a challenge . I think we will have to shim around the edges of the top of the chest or possibly even turn the lid upside down . I couldn 't believe how many nails were in those legs . Just taking them off was a challenge . But it is starting to look good . Our oldest son , Jeff made a cedar chest when he was in high school , about 32 years ago . Since we save almost everything , I still had some pieces of cedar left . Now the question becomes , Where did I put it ? It took me a couple days to find , as I had moved it from the store room to the basement and finally to an out building in a barrel . After looking in the first two places my memory finally kicked in and I was able to find it . So I got the boards cut and are ready to lay in the bottom of the chest . I have enough that I could line the sides , but I don 't think I will . " So the chest is saved for future generations . I 'm happy , and glad I have a cousin industrious and talented enough to tackle this project . Cliff and I laughed at her comment about the nails , because we are pretty sure one of my parents was responsible for that . I think the legs fell off and they just nailed them back on any which way . Posted by I have attempted to make hard cheese no more than a half - dozen times . Once it actually looked and tasted like real cheese , similar to cheddar . Except it wasn 't yellow . You have to add coloring if you want yellow cheese . Another time it turned out to be a dry , crumbly cheese similar to Feta , and was very good used in salad even though it was supposed to be a hard cheese like Cheddar . The other three or four times , it was a total flop . I have played around with this cheese - making process enough to halfway know what the curds should look like before you start heating them . Yesterday afternoon I relieved Bonnie of her excess milk , brought it in and strained it , and poured it into a large stainless steel pan . I inoculated it with 1 / 4 cup of store - bought buttermilk , covered it with a towel , and let it set undisturbed until this morning . First thing when I got up , I dissolved half a rennet tablet in 1 / 4 cup water , stirred it into the milk , and let it sit for another hour . Then I cut the curd . I was supposed to end up with 1 / 2 inch curds , but for some reason the curds broke up into smaller bits and I knew I had another flop on my hands . Oh well , chickens love any sort of failed cheese product . I decided to taste the mess , anyhow , just to see . It tasted like cottage cheese ! Well hey , even though I did not use the proper recipe for cottage cheese , if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck . . . I don 't know why there is a yellowish cast to this picture . The colander and the curds are actually white . So I washed the curds in cold water a few times . They are draining right now , as you see in the picture . All I have to do is add a little cream . I may have cottage cheese with canned pears for breakfast . If I get a full gallon of milk from Bonnie again , I guess I will try for hard cheese again tomorrow . For a month or so after my Jersey cow has a calf , I am forced to milk her every day . When the calf finally is able to take all that milk , I go back to only milking when we need it . Right now I am throwing a lot of it away , but I am also keeping more in the house than usual , thinking I might get energetic enough to make cheese again . Today I decided to skim the cream off a couple of gallons of milk and churn butter . Although I have a Dazey churn about the same age I am , I am in the middle of a very interesting book , and I wanted one hand free to turn the page . Yes , even on an ereader you need a finger free to turn a page . So I put the cream in a gallon jar and shook it with my right hand and arm ; my left hand was free to deal with my book . This is before I got completely done washing the butter . Now , home - made butter made from the cream off raw milk doesn 't keep as long as what you buy in the store , and Cliff and I don 't use all that much butter . I decided to make some butterscotch cookies , thinking that would use most of it . Upon reading the recipe , though , I was reminded that I would be using half butter and half Crisco . Oh well , if worse comes to worse I can freeze it until I make cookies again . I always double this recipe , since it only makes enough cookies for about one cookie - sheet full . My husband and my daughter are ashamed of the appearance of my cookie sheets . Last time Rachel saw them , she said , " How long have you HAD those cookie sheets , anyway ? " She said she was sure she remembered them from when she was a kid . I bought that nasty - looking aluminum pan when I was still single ; the shiny stainless steel pan is actually , I believe , a sheet cake pan my mom passed along to me sometime during the first couple years Cliff and I were married ( we were married in 1966 ) . So I 've used them for over fifty - five years , and I believe they will serve me the rest of my life just fine . I love these cookies ! I seem to be on the mend now . I still have cold symptoms , but the fever is gone ; for that I am thankful . Just a couple degrees of fever had me feeling weak as a kitten and headachy . I never have headaches . Some have suggested I caught a cold from spending time in the 17 - degree temperatures when Bonnie gave birth a week ago , but wiser people than I say that isn 't how you catch a cold . The timing , however , couldn 't have been much worse . Why ? Because I have to milk Bonnie once a day to keep her udder in good health . Within two or three weeks , little Crystal will be able to take all that milk . Right now , four gallons a day is way to much for her little tummy to hold . For now , I have to relieve Bonnie of some of the excess once a day . Cliff offered to help , but he is not good at milking a cow . His hands are too big to wrap around a cow 's teat , and his thumbs have arthritis from years of pushing a knife , as a butcher ; so he can 't even use the forefinger - and - thumb method . Right now it 's a little tricky getting Bonnie and Crystal up to the barn , because Crystal playfully runs around in circles ( very hard to drive in a particular direction ) and Bonnie worries about her baby any time she is over three feet away from her . It will get easier as time goes on , but it was no fun dealing with this while I was feeling like one of the living dead . Once in the barn , Bonnie stands still with her head locked in the stanchion while she has sweet feed to eat , but when she runs out of feed she starts stomping and moving around . I am willing to give her two coffee cans of feed , but she could easily put away four cans or more while I am milking . That cow is a chow hound ! Because of an incident that took place over a year ago ( read about it HERE ) , I have been afraid to try and put the anti - kick device on her . However , I had Cliff go with me to the barn and put it on her the other day . . . at least he doesn 't have an artificial knee to worry about . When he put it on , she was a little upset about it . I know this because when a cow is upset , shDonna Wood |
On the last day of each month , I 'll take a story from the previous month , clean it up a little , see if I can make it better than the first time it appeared , and post it up . Of course , this being the last night of my Elements series , with the category being " Aether , " there was really only one good choice of stories to revisit : Dream Intervention , from day 148 . I extended it a little , but more important was the shift from first person to third . I did it mostly just to see what happened , and it worked nicely , I think . I still don 't know what Cory 's Big Problem is , as he is not being very helpful . Much like in the story … The dream trembled under Noel 's fingertips . He was barely even touching it and yet he could feel the tenuous fabric try to shrink away from him . He smiled and leaned in closer , trying to peer into the distorted , unfinished vision that lay before him . Dreams were like that . A dream described by a person after they wake up is nearly impossible to recover . They search for words , they try to make comparisons that don 't make any sense . " She was my girlfriend but not my girlfriend , and for some reason she was a robot , but not like a Terminator robot but like one of those things you see in an auto plant . And made of marzipan . " They make perfect sense to the one who 's in them , and absolutely none from the outside . The internal logic is flawless , but to someone looking in , the whole thing is like a fragile , evanescent soap bubble just waiting to go . It took a lot of practice to get in and out of them without breaking the whole thing down around you . Fortunately , Noel had had that practice . And a little bit of luck , which he was careful to appreciate . He 'd been touching others ' dreams for more than a decade , and had learned the ins and outs of the dream world and the logic that ruled it . Or them , to be more precise . As it turned out , there was no singular dream world - no mysterious realm where all dreams come from . Every dream was a world unto itself , and yet all dreams shared a certain set of rules . The dream was pretty boilerplate , and about what he expected of a sixteen year - old boy . All of the corners were dark , and nothing was really clear except when Noel was looking straight at it . It was hot and everything felt sluggish and slow . When he moved , it felt like everything happened a half second too late , as though the universe hadn 't been paying attention to what he wanted to do . He focused his mind on the dream , and everything snapped into sharp relief . All it took was a shift of perspective , much like watching a movie and reminding yourself that the guns are shooting blanks and the explosions are largely computer - generated . It took some of the fun out of it , yes , but to someone living in it - or visiting - it might be a lifesaver . The school hallway brightened a bit as he reminded himself of where he was , and what he was doing there . He heard screams coming from down the hall , so he checked the notebook in his pocket to see what he needed to know about the kid : Cory Shillinger , a football player and probably the best on his team . A bit of a bully , but that often came with the territory . And that wasn 't why he was there . Not to punish him for anything . Just to remind him of something . Noel knew perfectly well what Cory looked like now , but that would probably just make things worse . Or weirder . He pictured a much younger Cory in his head , at least how he imagined Cory looked when he was younger . Dirty blonde hair , skinny , teeth that hadn 't been fixed up yet . He felt the image wrap around himself like a tight corset , and when Noel called up a mirror on the wall , he looked at least enough like young Cory to pass in a dream . But there was one more thing he needed . He pulled the badge out of his pocket and pinned it to the faded Star Wars t - shirt he was wearing . The badge had three simple words on it : I AM YOU . Cory would see it , but not really know what it was . It was a symbol , really , and nothing more , and it would be all that was really necessary to convince Cory of who Noel was supposed to be . Dreams operated on symbols , on personal interpretation of things . That was the only way dreams could work and not drive the dreamers utterly mad . Noel could have decided to look like Mark Twain or Marilyn Monroe or Jabba the Hutt , but he figured it would be best not to push his luck . The real Cory came barreling around the corner a moment later , and Noel banished the mirror . The boy was running feverishly from something that was probably really horrifying , but the way Noel saw it , he was running from symbols that were simply floating bundles of words . " Terror . " " Humiliation . " " Pain . " " Danger . " Cory himself was gorgeous , or at least mostly so . He had the body of a teenage quarterback - all lean and tight and muscled from head to toe . True to so many teenage dreams , all he was wearing was a pair of boxers , and even those were flickering in and out as Noel watched him . His skin was breaking out in sores that pulsed and opened and closed and moved about his body , never settling in one place but never fading away . His hair was falling out , and as he screamed , Noel saw that the boy was missing teeth . It was the grand package of nightmares , and for all the horror and terror , it was only a distraction for what Cory was really afraid of . Noel put himself in Cory 's path and held out a hand . A great wind blew in from behind him , picking up papers and books and even the odd desk or two . It blew from Noel towards Cory , and bent in a tight circle around the boy to blow all the symbolic monsters away from him in great tatters and rags and rage . Cory screamed and wept as the wind blew past him and howled and shrieked horrible things that only he could hear . Noel lowered his hand and the wind snapped off . Cory dropped to his knees , holding his head in his hands and whimpering softly . Noel let him sit like that for a moment , or however long that was for him . Cory looked up , and Noel could tell that he 'd be a heartbreaker if he just had clear skin and all his teeth . Noel shook his head . " This isn 't gonna work , " he said . " Stand up . " " C ' mon , QB . Stand up . " Noel crooked a finger and the boy stood on unsteady legs . Noel raised a hand to Cory 's chest and laid a hand against his skin . Cory 's form rippled for a moment , and all the deformities and disfigurement faded away as if they had never been . " There you go . " Noel patted his chest with a hand which was his own again , and let it linger there for a moment longer than he had to . He felt the boy 's heart beating , fast and afraid , and it sent a thrill up his arm . If Cory noticed the change , he didn 't say anything , but Noel drew out the moment as long as he could . " You … um , you might want to think about wearing some clothes , " Noel said eventually . He glanced down , and so did Cory . " But you can take your time . " Noel winked . " If you want . " " All right , " Noel said . He shrugged and turned around . There were a couple of comfortable chairs there that hadn 't been there before . " Have a seat , " Noel said . " And take that helmet off . It makes me uncomfortable . " As Cory sat , Noel took another button out and pinned it to the football uniform that he seemed to be wearing as well . Gotta be more careful about that , he thought . This button read YOU TRUST ME . It was blatant manipulation , and for a moment , Noel thought about seeing just how far he could push that button 's power . In the dream , anything was possible , and chances were that the boy wouldn 't remember a thing . " Good , " Noel said . " You can talk . You 'd be surprised how often that fails in here . " He handed Cory a drink in a cup labeled RELAX . He took it and blew over the top . Hot chocolate , probably . When he 'd taken a sip , and the pads deflated from under his uniform , Noel started to talk again . " Cory , " he said . " You 're in trouble . " He gestured over to one corner of the room , which had gone from being a school hallway to a bare stage . A spotlight clicked on and illuminated a strange tableau . Cory , holding another boy close , their arms wrapped around each other in mid - fall . Look at it one way , and it was the middle of a brawl - the other boy 's feet were about to come out from under him , and Cory was getting ready to pull an arm out for a punch . Cory 's face was a mask of rage , the other boy 's torn by fear . Look again , though , and they were holding onto each other out of desperation . Cory was trying to hold the other boy up , his arms tightening around his waist and they both slowly dropped to the floor . The anger on Cory 's face warped to pain and anguish . The other boy 's face was still overwhelmed with fear , but it was altogether a different kind now . Cory and Noel both looked at it , and then Noel turned to the boy . " So , " he said . " It looks like there 's something you might need to talk about . " " I … I don 't understand , " Cory said . He looked like he was about to cry again , and Noel felt his earlier attraction to the boy fading . He 'd hoped there would be a core of strength to him , but if this was his soul laid bare , then he wasn 't worth mooning over . " Of course you don 't , " Noel said . " That 's the whole point . " He leaned forward , and Cory 's eyes widened . Noel wondered who he looked like now . " You have a problem , son , " he said . He pointed to the tableau again , which was slowly turning in the spotlight . " That over there is a hint to what it is . But without your help , I can 't get to what 's really going on . " He stood up and crooked a finger . Cory , now dressed in a t - shirt and jeans , followed along to inspect the image more closely . Noel pointed to it . " You know who they are ? " " I know who I am , " Cory said , pointing to his own image . Noel raised an eyebrow . " But I don 't know who he is . " " Well , then we have a problem , " Noel said . He cracked his knuckles and noticed that he seemed to be wearing a suit now . With black leather gloves . " Fortunately , problem - solving is my specialty . But first , there 's somewhere we have to go . " He reached out to the statue - Cory 's head and tugged on a lock of hair . A door opened up , spreading instantly to the floor , and a dim greyness lay beyond . The faint smell of woodsmoke wafted out . " No , " the boy said , holding his hands up . " I don 't know where I am or what you 're doing , but this can 't be happening . Not for real . " He was starting to change again , his form losing substance . He was beginning to look like a faded photograph , like a wet painting left out in the rain , and Noel cursed under his breath . " Cory , you can 't go . This is too important . " He reached out for the boy 's arm , and it was like grabbing a handful of oatmeal . " Cory , you need to stay and do this . " The thing that was Cory shook its head . " No , " it said in a slow , indistinct voice . " Not going . " The shape bubbled and twisted and folded in on itself . And then , without prelude or fanfare , the dream collapsed . " Dammit , " Noel whispered . He lingered in the non - darkness that was the place where dreams emerged and tried to count all the things he did wrong . In the end , he let himself go back into normal sleep and the normal world . There would be other nights and other chances . But not too many . Carissa sat at her phone station a full minute before her eight o ' clock shift started and took a photograph out of her purse . It was old , the colors muted by the years , but still resonant with meaning . Her mother , dressed in a cheap black graduation robe , holding her diploma aloft with both hands . It was a gorgeous summer day , and she stood a little apart from her mother and father , who were watching with a kind of bemused interest . Carissa 's mother had been the first in the family to graduate from college , and Carissa meant to follow her example . She picked up her headset and had it settled right as the clock ticked over . She took a deep breath , whispered , " Graduation , " and hit the flashing white button that gave her the first call of the night . The young woman on the other end was convinced that her boyfriend was cheating on her , and it took Carissa about fifteen seconds of conversation to decide that he probably was , and she wasn 't sure she blamed him . There was only so much you could tell about someone after two years of an undergrad psychology degree , but growing up with three older sisters was a Masters ' course in how to ruin relationships . She threw a couple of well - aimed guesses at the caller - Did he sometimes hide his phone ? He 's been behaving strangely , hasn 't he ? - and advised her to go look for someone else , because he was just no good for her . Most of the calls were like that . They were people with fairly ordinary problems who just needed permission to do what they were probably going to do anyway . Those callers were entertaining . There were some , though , that made Carissa 's heart heavy and kept her staring at that picture of her mother all the longer . The people who called for real trauma , for answers that she couldn 't really give . Is my father okay in heaven ? Will my baby boy ever get better ? When will I ever feel normal ? For those calls , she leaned on the cloudiness of the future . " Events have a way of unfolding , " she 'd say , " and none of us can be absolutely sure what the end will be . " She would reassure them that life , on balance , does get better and that a brighter future was waiting for them if they were willing to go get it . Which was not advice that was privy only to psychics , but it seemed to make them feel better . " Welcome to The Psychic Connection , " she said . " I am Roxinda and I am at your service . " Countless movies and TV shows had taught her what people expected to hear from a psychic , and she was sure to deliver - a voice that sounded like she smoked too much , a name that was just exotic enough , and a trace of an accent that had no clear origin . " Let me part the veil and reveal to you what the future holds . " The person on the other end waited nearly long enough to make her think the call had dropped . Then he spoke . " You 're a liar , " he said . He sounded exhausted . His voice cracked , and seemed to be coming from far away . " Why would you say that ? " Carissa asked . She 'd been accused of not being a real psychic before , of course . There were the skeptics who tried to test her and the angry family members who were upset that their mother or brother or son was allowing some so - called " Psychic " to make decisions for them . Carissa had some sympathy , of course . She wasn 't psychic , and she was pretty sure none of her co - workers were either . They were all just really good at figuring people out , cold reading and making the vague and speculative sound precise and prophetic . They weren 't allowed to reveal that , of course . Admitting to not actually being psychic was the fastest way to lose the job , and right now Carissa needed what little cash she could scrape in . The man on the other end of the phone sighed , and it was heavy and tired . " I know your type , " he said . " You let us give you our money and you wave your hands around and tell us what we should do . and then you hang up , and nothing is ever your problem again . " Carissa blinked . That was a new approach for her . " Perhaps you could tell me about your problem , " she said . " I feel a great sense of urgency , of a great decision that needs to be made . " He laughed , and it was a single , short bark . " You could say that , yeah . Yeah , a decision . " He paused , and Carissa could hear the short scrape of a lighter being lit . " I sure do have a decision to make , " he said around what ha to be a cigarette . He exhaled , and it sounded like wind in her ear . " I 'm on a bridge , " he said . " A good high one . And I 'm just about ready to jump . " He took another inhale . " And it looks like a long , long way down . " Carissa 's insides froze as he spoke . Part of her wanted to keep him on the line , to keep him talking . But she had no idea what to say to him , no idea what she could say to keep him from jumping . And if she should say the wrong thing ? If she said something that made him want to jump ? Her mind froze up , and throat closed . After a moment , he said , " You still there ? " She took a breath and had to try a couple of times . " Yes , " she said . " Of course I 'm still here . I … I would … " She swallowed , hard . " Sir , perhaps you have called the wrong hotline ? " This time his laugh sounded genuine , if still dark and bitter . " That was good , " he said . " Nice . " Another exhale . " No , " he said . " I called you and I wanted you . " " Well , then , " she said . " Tell me what I can do for you ? " All of her lines fled from her head . She knew what her psychic persona should ask him , but she couldn 't make it come out . Finally she settled on , " How can I help you ? " " Sir , " she said . " I 'm afraid I don 't understand . " Carissa reached down and grabbed her purse from the floor . " What do you think we did to you ? " She started rifling through her bag . There was a notebook and a pen in there somewhere , she was sure of it . She resisted the urge to sigh . That was always a favorite line whenever she tried to fish for information from people , and it was a hard one to get past sometimes . " Very well , " she said , laying on the accent a little thicker . " This is not the first time you have called us , " she said . The notebook was at the bottom of her bag , of course . She pulled it out and started looking for her pen . " One of our number has helped you in the past . " " Very good , Saturn Girl , " he said . Carissa didn 't get the reference , but she caught the tone . " And how do you think that turned out ? " She found the pen and quickly scribbled a note on a piece of paper . " You are troubled . " Guy on phone going to kill himself , she wrote . " Your problem remains unresolved . " What the hell do I do ? " You are searching for answers to a question you do not know how to ask . " She leaned over to Lizette , the girl who sat next to her , and slid the note onto her desk . " You wish to know - " " What I wish to know , " he said , " is where the hell you people get off ? " The anger in his voice was a good sign , at least from a psychic point of view . Angry people were less careful about what they said , more prone to letting information slip . She tapped the note , and Lizette waved her off . She was on a call of her own , and it looked interesting . He barked out a laugh again , and she could hear him lighting another cigarette . " A mirror darkly , " he said . " That 's a good one . You people steal my wife from me , my job , my friends , and all you can do is mis - quote the Bible at me . " " Advise ? " he said . " You people advised me that my wife was cheating on me with my best friend . You advised me that my boss was planning to get me fired . What the hell kind of advice is that ? " Carissa looked over at Lizette , who had just tapped her on the shoulder . She pointed at the note and mouthed , " Seriously ? " Carissa nodded , and Lizette started to write her own reply . " I am sure that it was advice given in good faith , " Carissa said . She took the paper from Lizette , who had written , Find out where in her loopy handwriting . Carissa gave her a thumbs - up , and Lizette got up from her station . That was a surefire method of getting a supervisor 's attention , and usually not in a good way . " In good faith , " the man said . " You mean you were making shit up . " His voice was getting tired again . The anger was draining away from it , and Carissa wasn 't sure what that meant . " You were just doing what you do - taking my three dollars per minute and pulling answers from your ass . " He sighed into the phone , and the hairs on the back of Carissa 's neck went up . " I should 've known better . " She could picture him . He sounded middle - aged , and the wife and job comment seemed to point that way . He smoked , and that gave her an image of a thinner , sallow man . Standing on a bridge , looking down on the water below . Probably wearing the clothes he woke up in that morning . The tips of his shoes - his sneakers - would be peeking over the edge , and the wind would be cold and wet . She wondered if there was anyone else on the bridge , and why no one had stopped to see if he was okay . It was only 10 : 30 , after all . There should be some traffic . She wrote on her pad , High bridge , little traffic ? - and passed it to Lizette , who was showing the original note to the floor manager . " Sir , " she said . " I understand you are upset . The waters of the future … they can be treacherous . Even we who see can sometimes only see poorly . " She glanced up at the floor manager , who made a twirling motion with his finger over the note . More . " But no matter what we see or do not see , the future is ultimately up to the choices we make . And perhaps a lonely bridge in the middle of the night in your sweatpants is not the best choice right now ? " Carissa cringed a little . She always did when she guessed blindly like that . She wanted to say that he 'd given her all the clues . That her uncle had lost his job a year ago , and he was still on the couch , in sweats and a dirty t - shirt lamenting the unfairness of it all . That the caller was probably clinically depressed by now , and one of the features of depression was not caring for one 's appearance . She wanted to say that she had studied this kind of thing , that they 'd talked about it in class . That she 'd woven the image together out of guesswork and hope . Carissa smiled , and wasn 't sure if she was about to laugh or cry . " No , nothing like that , " she said . " But perhaps a friend ? " She gritted her teeth . " I feel that there is someone who can help you , but you feel unworthy of his help . You could call , but … " " But I couldn 't , " he finished . His voice cracked again , and she thought he might be crying . After a little coaxing , he gave her a name and a phone number . She wrote them down . Carissa let her breath out slowly . " Thank you , Leonard , " she said . She handed the note to Lizette , who nodded and pulled out her cell phone . " We 'll call your friend for you . In the meantime , can you stay on the line with me ? Just so I know you 're okay ? " " I dunno , " he said . " At three dollars a minute … " He laughed a moment before she did . She scrawled another note to the floor manager , who would probably be able to find the right person to get the charges fixed . She stayed on the phone with him for an hour , her accent fading as she talked . When his friend arrived , she let him go . " Good luck , Leonard , " she said . She pushed the white button on her phone , and dropped her head to her desk . Lizette and the floor manager and a few other people who had realized what was going on started applauding and patting her on the back for her work . Carissa got the rest of the night off after that . When the buzz had died down and the floor manager told everyone to get back to their phones , Carissa carefully put the photograph of her mother back in her purse , squeezed Lizette 's shoulder as she walked out , and left the call center . ZeffCon 2011 was packed . The Allenhurst Civic Center had been chosen because last year 's con couldn 't fit into the Eldewylde Hotel that had hosted it for the years previous . The con 's organizers were , of course , thrilled , since a bigger place meant more attention , more participants , and of course , bigger guests . Roger Tillman had grown to be one of the most popular new authors of fantasy and science fiction in the last ten years , and the competition to get tickets for the speech was fierce . If she hadn 't gotten in , Katrina would have had to approach him somewhere else in the con to pick his brains . As it was , she could do it from her fifth - row seat at her leisure . Her talents did come in handy sometimes . The man next to her had a song running through his head that was beginning to get on her nerves . She carefully blocked him out and focused on the large woman sitting next to her , who seemed desperately trying to think of an alternative to the only question she could think of to ask Tillman when he did his signing . Katrina dug a little deeper - " Where do you get your ideas ? " She sighed and pulled out of the woman 's head . The first time she 'd done it was at a convention in San Diego fifteen years ago . She met a middling mystery author there , whose sales were slumping . While Katrina poured on the praise for the woman 's books , she took her first peek into the depths of an author 's mind . She 'd always been a " peeker , " as she called herself , ever since she started to hear what people were thinking back when she was a little girl . She couldn 't help herself back then - she was curious , and people were just loud . But as she got older , she got better at going in and finding what she wanted . She found it really useful for remembering names , for one , and it made her sales job at the time a lot easier to do . What she really wanted to do , though , was write . Ever since high school , she 'd tried writing short stories and novels , and what she came up with were stories that she ended up hiding in a drawer and forgetting about . Her ideas , she thought , weren 't any good . What she needed , then , were good ideas . And what better place to find them than in the heads of people who 'd proven they could write ? In the end , though , she found it much less exotic than she 'd thought . This author had her ideas cluttered about like a musty basement . Dull plots and half - formed characters , a title or a first line or two . Things she was probably working on but wasn 't ready to publish yet . Works in progress and works that would probably never get finished . This woman 's mind was a mess . Katrina looked a little deeper , into the shadows of the woman 's mind , and it was there that she found what she would look for in every writer 's mind afterward . She found the seed of an idea . The grain of sand that would make a pearl , given time and effort . Katrina turned the idea over in her hands and examined it . There was something there about a house where a child was kept in the basement … a father who pretended she wasn 't his … a boy next door ? It would do . Katrina took the idea back with her and retreated back into her own mind . She thanked the author for her time and her signature and headed back to her hotel room . A few hours later and she had the book plotted out in her head . Just the rough outline , with a few important steps to it , but it was there . A few months of work and she 'd produced her first novel , Groundling Child , which was published a year to the day after her meeting at the convention . She 'd published it under a pseudonym - Paula Grant - just in case the original author came looking for her . But she never did . As far as Katrina could tell , she never knew that the idea had been stolen at all . Emboldened , Katrina started visiting more cons and meeting more authors . Each time , she found a seed , a germ of a story idea and took it back with her . Before she knew it , she was writing every day , and selling one or two books a year , in addition to short stories . The critics didn 't rave , but people bought them and within a few years she could go to any airport bookstore and see some Paula Grant novels on the shelves . If she had time , and the clerk was busy , she would stealth - sign them . They usually showed up on internet auction sites and got a good price , since the elusive author had never appeared publicly to promote her books . But where Paula was something of a mystery , Katrina had become a familiar face at conventions around the country . Anywhere a famous author would show up , Katrina would be there . If she could , she 'd even volunteer so that she 'd have an even better chance at getting a face - to - face meeting . This time , though , she 'd had to settle for just being a member of the audience . The lights dimmed , and one of the con 's organizers came out to say how honored they were to have the world famous fantasy / science fiction giant speak at their convention . " Ladies and Gentlemen : Roger Tillman ! " The audience went crazy , of course . Some people already had copies of his latest book in hardcover and were waving them in the air as he came to the stage and waited out the applause . " Thank you , " he said . " Thank you . " He said it a few more times before the crowd calmed down . " Wow , " he said . " I never expected such a reception . They told me that ZeffCon crowds were the best , and I guess they were right . " Katrina screened out everyone around her . The fat woman was just thinking , Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod over and over again . Shutting her out was like pressing against a wind - blown door , but Katrina managed to do it . She wanted peace and quiet in her head before she went into his . The speech would give her more than enough time to look around , poke into the dark corners and see what she could find . Nobody ever seemed to notice her rifling through their mind , and time seemed to go differently in there as it was . He was telling some story about how he got started , but Katrina just let it wash over her . She concentrated on a point just between his eyebrows , past the steel - rimmed glasses he was wearing . And she pushed . She recoiled back into her own mind and looked up at him with wide eyes . He seemed to have recovered from his verbal stumble and was back to talking about his high school English teacher , but she knew - she knew that he had felt her go in . And she was pretty sure he knew who she was . Katrina picked up her jacket and whispered , " Excuse me " as she moved past the other convention - goers . The looks they gave her were anywhere from shocked to annoyed , and if she was listening she would have heard them think some very nasty thoughts . But she 'd closed all the doors and windows , as it were , and got out of the main hall as fast as she could . The rest of the con was sparsely attended during the keynote . She made her way to the art room before she found a place to sit down and gather her thoughts and figure out her options . It had been dark in that hall . He probably didn 't get a good look at her face , and so he probably wouldn 't be able to pick her out of a crowd by sight . But if he was anything like her , he might not need to see her . He might be able to find her no matter where she went . She started going through her bag to find her hotel key when she felt a certain … pressure coming towards her . It was like a noise , but not a noise . Like a wave that was coming in from far away when you went to the beach , but not quite that either . It was the way the wind changed before a storm or a song started to build before it reached a crescendo . By the time she realized what it was , it was too late . When he saw her , he grinned , and that beacon switched off instantly . The feeling of pressure vanished , and Katrina put a hand to her head . He stopped a few steps away . " Wow , " he said . He was smiling madly and couldn 't seem to keep still . " Just … wow . " He jerked a thumb over his shoulder . " I had to say that I wasn 't feeling well and cut the speech short , but I assured them they loved what they 'd heard . " He tapped his temple and winked . " It 's just that … " His voice dropped to a whisper , and this handsome man looked like a kid for a moment . " It 's just that I 've never met anyone like me before . I couldn 't let you get away . " He reached out for her , but she shrank back . " Thank you , " she said . " But I really didn 't mean to … do that . I just wanted to … " She couldn 't finish the sentence . She shook her head . " No , " she said . " No , I 've never met anyone either . " She didn 't dare look him in the eye , for fear that she 'd reveal what she was trying to do . She 'd read his books and loved them , and idea - borrowing aside , she looked up to him as a fellow writer . No . As a writer . There was no " fellow " about it , of that she was sure . She was pretty certain that he didn 't pluck ideas out of people 's heads , and that would make all the difference . " I have to go , " she said . She picked up her bag and tried to smile . " It was very nice meeting you , Mr . Tillman . I … I have to go . " She turned to leave , and that 's when she felt his hand on her shoulder . She was running through a forest . It was deep and dark , and the bundle in her arms was moving . " Hush , " she said to it . She leaped with long , strong legs over fallen trees , and the wind rushed through her hair . There was no other sound but her footsteps and her breathing . She couldn 't see him , but she knew he was chasing . He was a force unto himself , tearing the great trees out by the roots as he pursued her . Great vines spiraled down from the trees , and she had to slice through them with her dagger before they could grab hold . She held the bundle tightly to her chest as she jumped across a chasm that opened up in front of her , curled up in a ball to fly through a wall of flame , and rolled back to her feet on the sand - swept desert floor . Spikes of stone and brick shot up around her , blocking her path . A great whirlwind dropped from the swirling clouds overhead and moved as she moved . From behind , she could hear him . " Never ! " she screamed , and she held the squirming bundle close . " You can 't have it ! " Iron chains erupted from the ground , wrapping around her legs , her arms , her shoulders , and dragging her down . She held on as tightly as she could , but when he came close , it was a matter of only a moment before her treasure was revealed to him . It was wrapped in rotting cloth , stained and fouled from years of use . Inside was the dried , rotted corpse of an infant , long dead . Its skin was gray and flaking away , its eyes dark hollows in a fragile skull . Beetles crawled across it and onto her fingers . She screamed and dropped the dead thing to the ground , where it exploded in a puff of dust . Her heart full of rage , she looked up at the man silhouetted by a giant and angry sun and - Roger took his hand away and looked shocked when she spun on him . She glared through tear - filled eyes and then looked away . There was a small crowd gathering . " Wait , " he said quietly . " That 's it ? " He started to smile , but the tears running down her face were enough to set him straight again . " Katrina - Paula , that 's your big secret ? " He took a step back , and this time he did smile . " Katrina , I bought two of your books in the airport to read on my trip . " She glanced up at him . " Seriously - they 're in my bag right now . " He took her hand in his , and she flinched . Nothing else happened , though . " They 're really good , Katrina . " " No ! " She pulled her hands away and dropped her voice to a whisper . " I found those ideas in other people 's heads . I went in and I took them and I wrote some books . " She wiped her eyes . " But they 're not really mine . " Roger turned around and leaned against the wall . " Katrina , " he said . " Ideas are … " He wave a hand in the air . " Ideas are a dime a dozen . People have ideas all the time , and they ignore them or throw them away or let them fade . Any schmuck can have an idea . " He stood up straight and looked her in the eyes . " What makes you a writer is what you do with the ideas . You did the hard work . You put in the time and the energy to write them . You figured out the characters and papered over the plot holes and wrote and re - wrote . " He chuckled . " Believe me , I know what it takes to put a book out , and I know you did the grunt work . " " Look , " he said . " I get ideas from all over the place . A word on the street , a phrase in a song , a weird sign or a guy in a restaurant or just some bizarre combination of thoughts . That doesn 't mean they aren 't mine , and it doesn 't mean the stories I write aren 't mine either . " He shrugged . " Okay , so what you 're doing might not be the most ethical thing in the world , true . But I 'll tell you this : the woman who wrote those books can get her ideas from anywhere she wants , as far as I 'm concerned . " He laughed . " Who would believe me ? However , " he said after a pause , " it might make a good short story . " He winked . She smiled , despite herself . She lifted a hand to wave . See you . The crowd followed him out of the art room , a few people lingering to see who this woman might be that had caught his interest . Katrina smiled at them and took up her bag . Adam refilled his date 's wine and took a moment to notice how lovely she looked in the low lighting of the restaurant . She had curves to her , which he loved , and skin that seemed to glow in candlelight . Her eyes were as dark as her long , curling hair , and she always seemed to be waiting for the punchline to a joke that he didn 't know . Carlana grinned around the rim of the glass . " Ah . " She put it down and leaned forward . " But what you do not know is that I have spent years building up an immunity to iocane powder . " Their laughter drew attention from the other tables , but they didn 't notice . They were having too much fun . His brother had set them up together after Adam had gone through a long spell of being single . He hadn 't minded , really . Being single had its perks . The free schedule , the lack of a need to clean all the time or close the door when he peed . But after a while the quiet and the solitude had gotten to him , so he 'd asked Marv if he knew anyone . The result was what was turning out to be the best first date he 'd ever had . She shrugged . " No more than any other job , really . There are some tough days , and it can be a little much being The Girl sometimes … " He could hear the capital letters she put on it and could only imagine . He worked at a small bookstore , and was the only guy there . But other than being the one person who seemed to be able to get heavy things off of high shelves , he hadn 't really noticed any kind of strangeness to it . He knew some gamers , though , and he could easily picture how they 'd devolve around a gorgeous woman like this . She put her glass down . " Oh , you 're not one of those , are you ? " He almost thought she was serious for a moment . " Because if you are , then I think we 're done here . " " No , no , no , " he said . " I assure you . I figure them all out on my own , bleeding from the eyes or no . " There was a small blue panda bear hovering about a foot above his head . He reached up and grabbed it by the neck , dragging it down in front of his face . " Shut up ! " he whispered . " I am trying to have a date ! " Adam wanted to scream . " That 's the kind of advice I really don 't need right now ! " He let the bear go , and it hovered just out of arm 's reach . " You do that , and there 's pressure on me . There 's pressure on me , and I start to get nervous and nobody 's getting anything ! " He had to drop his voice back down to a hoarse whisper . " Got it ? " " Kid , I 'm your spirit guide . I know everything you need to know , and I 'm telling you - she 's ready to go . " The panda spun to face him and made little thrusting jabs with its hips . " You play it right and you can leave that porno folder closed for once . " Adam leaned his head against the tiles and counted his breaths . He 'd had the panda for a few months now , and the fun of it was starting to wear thin . He had no idea where it came from , or why it chose him , but from the moment he woke up to the moment he went to sleep - and as far as he knew , all night - this little blue panda was there . Telling him what he should do in all kinds of situations . Talking to his boss , buying furniture , walking around the city . The bear didn 't always talk - most of the time it just hung out , doing whatever it was spirit guides did when they weren 't guiding . When it did talk , though , it was pretty insistent on getting its way . The bear shrugged . " Well , yeah . Fine . But it 's my job to offer advice , so that 's what I 'm gonna do . " It tapped its wrist . " She 's probably wondering where you are , by the way . Every minute you spend arguing with me is a five percent decrease in your chances of doing the nasty anytime soon . " " See ? That 's the kind of thing I 'm talking about ! " Adam 's words were coming out in a hoarse rush . " I 'm gonna go out there , and have a nice time with a lovely girl , and if anything happens , then it happens and if it doesn 't then it doesn 't and I don 't need you or anyone else nagging me about it . Okay ? " He jabbed the flush button for the toilet . " Now shut . The hell . Up ! " Adam took a deep breath and forced on a smile . " First date jitters , " he said . " Nothing to it . " He took his hands out of the sink and let the water shut off . The desert lowland was full of cars , stacked on on top of the other . Some of the stacks were of only a few cars , others more . Their flaking paint and broken windows gleamed in the setting sun . A disordered pile of cars shifted and lurched , and a late - model Tulay pickup lifted out of the mess and started to float over to a tall stack of cars nearby . This stack was fifteen cars high already , and swaying dangerously . Broken glass and metal littered the site around it , as well as cars that had been destroyed beyond recognition . The pickup floated slowly to the top of the stack , where it paused and then very gently settled down on top . In a tent set up some distance away , a girl with long , braided red hair collapsed into a folding chair to the applause of the men in suits gathered around her . One of them gave her a cup of water , which she swallowed immediately , and then gave her another . She was sweating and slouched in the chair taking deep , heaving breaths with her eyes closed , but under the exhaustion , there was a definitely look of accomplishment on her face . The man who gave her the water put a hand on her shoulder . " Great work , Carly , " he said . " I mean it . Really good . " She opened her eyes and smiled up at him . " I didn 't think I was going to make that last one , Martin " she said . " I seriously thought the whole thing was going to come down . Again . " " Well , you did a fine job . You should be proud . " He patted her on the shoulder again and then left to talk to some of the men in suits . They let her sit there for a while . She looked out at the sunset while she caught her breath and felt the warm glow of achievement . True , stacking cars wasn 't the most complicated thing she 'd had to do , but they 'd set her at it all day . Two cars , three cars , five … As many as she could . Martin had said this was a test that the facilities administrators had come up with , but he couldn 't exactly explain what it was they were testing . In the end , all she could do was shrug and stack the cars . She tried not to think of home too much , if she could . She had been training at this facility now for , what was it ? Five years ? Six ? She knew why , too . They told her almost every day . It was vital that she be able to control her powers . That she not hurt anyone else ever again . That she not kill anyone else ever again . That still got to her . She 'd never meant to kill anyone . Not ever . But they told her that she did . And not just a few , either . The number was enough to make her stomach clench and steel her resolve . She would train as hard has she had to , as long as she had to , as long as it meant that she wouldn 't be a danger to anyone . If that meant stacking cars in the desert all day , then so be it . But still … she was starting to forget things from home . Her mother 's face . She wondered what her little brother was doing , if he was in high school yet . That reminded her that she would have graduated by now . Her friends were probably all in college . Some place she 'd never go . Somehow , she thought " trained for five years in a government facility out in the desert " wouldn 't look good on her admissions paperwork . They took down the tent and folded up the chairs and decided to leave the cars where they were for the moment . Carly figured that her next task would probably be taking them down again , and maybe taking them apart . Or crushing them into little balls . Or making sculptures out of them . She never knew what the next test would be , and Martin confided in her once that he didn 't know either . He just got the framework in his email every night and had until morning to make sure he knew what she was supposed to do . After a short ride back to the facility , all Carly wanted to do was take a shower and go to bed . No matter how it looked , lifting cars with your mind all day was tough , tiring work . But it certainly was better than she could have done even a year ago , and that in itself was something to be proud of . One of the staff , a young man in over - large glasses , met her when she got off the mini - bus . " Miss Siminsky ? " he said . " Deputy Director Stassi would like to see you . " She sighed . So much for shower and bed . " All right , " she said . She followed the young man . She 'd only met the Deputy Director a few times , and she didn 't like him much . He talked to her like she was a bomb that was about to go off . A slightly stupid bomb , at that . But he was the connection to the outside world that she 'd need to get out someday . He worked with the Secretary of National Security , and if anyone could get her home it would be him . She closed the door of the office behind her , and Director Stassi stood up behind his desk . " Miss Siminsky , " he said with a broad smile on his face . His eyes darted to the corner of the office where a camera had been installed , and it ruined the attitude . " Thank you for coming . Please , have a seat . " Director Stassi sat behind the desk . He was sweating slightly , but she took no notice of it . " Miss Siminsky , " he said , " I heard about your performance this afternoon . I must say that I 'm very impressed , and I 'm sure the Secretary will be just as thrilled as I was . " His smile had too many teeth in it . His smile slipped a little and he cleared his throat . " Um . I have just a one thing to go over with you and I 'll let you go . But , um . I 'm afraid it 's a bit of bad news . " That caught her attention , and she sat up straight . A dozen different scenarios unspooled in her head , each of them worse than the last . " What is it ? " she said . She noticed the pictures on the wall behind the Director start to shake and she willed them to stop before he realized what was going on . Director Stassi folded his hands in front of him . " Miss Siminsky , I know you 've been asking about when you can … you can go home . " He ran a hand through his hair , and then tried to rub the sweat off on his jacket sleeve . If he was trying to look calm , he was failing utterly . " I hate to be the one to break it to you , Miss Siminsky , I really do . And I hope you understand that I 'm just the messenger here … " " You killed a lot of people , Miss Siminsky , " he said . " And you terrified a lot more . " He took a deep breath . " Including your mother . " He stood up as well , and took a small black voice recorder out of his jacket pocket . " To be frank , Miss Siminsky , your mother is … afraid of what you might do if you come home . We tried to reassure her that you were getting better , that you were gaining control , but … " He put the voice recorder on the desk . " This is what she said to us . " He pressed play . A voice came out , muffled by traveling along a phone signal , but unmistakably her mother 's voice . " My daughter is a monster , " she said , " and I hate to think what she could do if she was free . Keep her away from everyone . Keep her away from me and my family . " Director Stassi 's hand shook as he picked up the voice recorder and it crumbled in his hand . He looked up sharply at Carly , and then slammed against the wall . " Carly ! " he yelled in a strained voice . " Please , Carly let me - " His voice choked off and his eyes went wide as he pressed against the wall . His ribs popped and cracked and blood began to run out of his mouth and nose . Bruises blossomed on his skin as blood vessels burst , shards of bone began to jab out , slicking through his suit , and his whole body started to flatten out . His skull made a great cracking sound as it shattered , blood and brains bursting out around him . Carly let him fall to the floor , and she turned slowly in the air in the middle of the room . The walls started to shake , and cracks burst open in the floor and the walls . The lights went out and sparks began to fly from broken electrical cables , and Carly raised her hands in front of her . Her senses stretched out around her . She felt the walls and the floors of the facility , a labyrinthine structure that extended deep into the desert . She felt as though she was in every place at once , all the rooms and all the walls , and if she just clenched her fists then the place would crumble . Everyone in this viper 's nest would die , and then she would be free . If that was what it took , then - The pump they 'd implanted under her skin vibrated as it dumped sedative into her bloodstream . Carly screamed in rage and frustration as she felt the drug take hold , and the office walls exploded around her , splinters flying like lethal missiles . None of which touched her . She dropped to the floor as the shaking stopped , and she wept . Her hands were clean against the filthy , broken floor , until a small rivulet of blood made its way to her littlest finger . She tried to pull her hand away , but she couldn 't find the energy . She heard shouting , but it was from so far away that she didn 't care anymore . All she could do was slump to the floor and cry . When Carly woke up , she was in her bed . In restraints . She still felt … fuzzy around the edges . The pump in her side vibrated once , and she closed her eyes again . When she did , the mangled body of Director Stassi was in front of her , slowly being crushed by a force he couldn 't see and couldn 't understand . A while later , Martin came into the room , and she tried to sit up . " No , " he said . " Don 't do that . The restraints won 't … " He grimaced . " Just relax . " He had the clipboard he always carried , but he didn 't look at it . He just stared at her for a while before he said , " How are you feeling ? " He nodded . " Yeah . " She squeezed her eyes shut and took a few deep breaths . " Don 't worry , " he said . " They understand you were … upset . " Martin sat in the chair by her bedside and took her hand . " Carly , I am so , so sorry . I can 't begin to imagine … " This time he did look at his clipboard . " Well , we 're letting you have a break for a while . To , um . Process . " He flipped a sheet over . " You 'll have a counselor come to see you in about half an hour . Ms . Hilbert . " He looked over at her and smiled , but it didn 't have much effect . " She 's really nice . You 'll like her . " Martin looked at his printouts again . " And we 're going to set you to work on some more precision tasks later . When you 're … when you 're ready . " Carly didn 't move . She didn 't nod . She didn 't say anything . After a minute or two , Martin excused himself and left the room , closing the door quietly . There was an emptiness in her mind . A greyness . A dull hum that blocked out other sounds . She just stared at the wall across from her , and every time a thought came to her mind , she shoved it away . Finally , though , there was one thought that she couldn 't keep down . It ran through her head , a single loop over and over again . We got a great deal for it , too . Even in this day and age , people have a thing about buying a house where - allegedly - the dead still walk and unquiet spirits roam free to terrorize the living . A good haunting knocks at least ten percent off the list price . More if it was due to something particularly gruesome . I certainly wouldn 't make light of it . That kind of crime is … well , it 's unthinkable . In this city , his name is pretty much the go - to name for parental horror . Fourteen kids . He buried thirteen of them in the basement floor . The story goes that after the police raided the house , killing Heckle in a shootout , one of the officers found boy number fourteen . It 's said that the cop was so horrified by what he saw that he put a bullet in the kid 's head right before he put one in his own . So yeah , this house has a history , and our agent tried to steer us away from it good and hard . But let 's face facts here . Hardwood floors aren 't easy to come by , and for all his horror , Heckle kept the place in great condition . Even after all these years , it doesn 't need nearly as much work as some of the other places we looked at . But here 's the thing : there 's no such thing as ghosts . There 's no such thing as a permanent evil stain that resides in a place after the perpetrator is gone . Bloodstains , yes , but those were ripped out by one of the previous owners . But Ari and I were very firm on this when the broker brought it up , when the neighbors came around to welcome us to the neighborhood , when our parents called because they 'd found out where we were living : there were no such thing as ghosts , and there was nothing there except the two of us . We were , of course , wrong . But I 've always said that 's the hallmark of a true skeptical thinker : when presented with evidence that inescapably , undeniably disproves your position , you have to abandon it and take up another . It just took us a while to figure it out . " Huh , " he said . " There were wet footprints all over the bathroom . I thought that maybe you … " He stopped in the middle of his thought and then shrugged . " Probably nothing , " he said . It was pretty textbook , really . Doors would close that we had left opened . I 'd come downstairs and all the drawers in the kitchen would be sticking out . The TV would turn on in the middle of the night . And we had logical , rational reasons for each and every one of those occurrences . If it wasn 't the house settling or warped wood or a short circuit , it was probably just our own faulty memory leading us down the garden path . To our credit , neither one of us even thought about blaming a ghost . She was supposed to stay for a week while she visited some friends in the city . She lasted very nearly twenty - four hours . As she threw her things back into a suitcase the morning after she arrived , she said , " I will not stay in this house a moment longer than I have to . " She spun at me and pointed an accusing finger at me . " And neither should you ! " Her eyes rolled from one corner of the room to the other . " There 's evil in this house , Savannah . I saw it with my own eyes . " I sat on the bed . " Really , mom ? " I asked . I tried very hard to keep a condescending tone out of my voice , but judging by her narrowed eyes I was pretty sure I failed . " I woke up in the middle of the night , " she said . " I heard something that sounded like crying . So I got up , and right there - " She pointed to a space next to the bedroom door . " Right there , as clear as I see you , Savannah , I saw a little boy . He was curled up in a ball and crying . " Her eyes started to shine , and that 's when I started to get worried . My mother has always been a paragon of self - restraint , and for her to get emotional like this would take a lot . Ghost or no ghost , she thought she saw something , and it really disturbed her . She went back to the suitcase and snapped it shut . " That sounds fine , " she said . " But I want you and Ari to get out of here . This is not a good place to raise a family , Savannah . " I very nearly rose to that argument , which was an old one . I wanted to have kids , but I just didn 't think we were in a good enough position to raise any . Ari 's teaching salary was low enough , and I wasn 't making a whole lot as a copy editor for an ad company . We had decided to put off having children until we were sure we could take care of them , and that didn 't look like it was going to happen anytime soon . No matter what my mother wanted . Pretty soon , the strange became the normal . There were no bleeding walls or portals to hell in the closets . Just little things - a toothbrush out of place one morning , all my clothes off hangars the next . Nothing dangerous , but a lot of minor annoyances that we learned to deal with . And we never , not so much as once , blamed it on ghosts . We were enlightened people , after all . It was during Thursday night TV . Ari and I were on the sofa , as usual . He was grading essays , I was watching a police drama when the TV snapped off , as did the lights . " Aw , hell , " he said . He handed me the essays , got up , and headed to the kitchen . He came back a few moments later with a couple of flashlights and his cell phone . " It 's always something , " he said . He called the power company , and they said they 'd look into it , but they hadn 't gotten any other reports of a power outage . Indeed , when I looked outside , all the other houses seemed fine . He was naked and white and glowing . Dark hair nearly covered eyes that looked blankly out of a face that seemed to be observing Ari with curiosity as my husband graded essays by flashlight . I hate to say it , because it makes me sound like a character in a bad horror movie - I screamed . Ari jumped up , dropping the essays on the floor , and when he saw me and looked where I was looking , he screamed too . We stood there , holding each other , yelling over and over again wordless syllables of horror and shock . This boy - this thing - was in our house . What was worse , if he was what we thought he was , then he was proof that all we thought we knew was a lie . A few minutes later , the ghost was actually looking bored . He leaned up against the sofa , his chin in his hands and his blank eyes on us . We were terrified , unable to move . Nothing we had ever experienced had prepared us for something like this . The boy sighed , and walked through the sofa , which made me feel sick to my stomach just to watched . Then , casually , he sat down . It was hard to tell , but he looked about eleven or twelve , but of course was probably much older , if such a concept applied to things like him . " Look , " he said . " If you 're going to just stand there and freak out , this is going to be a long night . So why don 't you take a seat and we can talk . " He patted the sofa cushion next to him . I wish I could say that I drew myself up and faced my fear . That I put reason over emotion and vowed to face this thing head - on , whether it was a ghost or something entirely different . I wish I could say that I was brave . The boy sitting on the edge of my bed was like the first one , only a little heavier . He was tapping his foot against the floor and had a look of impatience on his face . He stood up and came towards me , and I backed up against the bedroom door . A few feet away , he stopped , put his hands on his hips and said , " So . You gonna help us , or what ? " Daniel swiped away a few months worth of dust and wondered if he should clean more often . " No , Jeff , " he said . " I 'm not taking you flying , and that 's all there is to it . " His friend dropped onto the sofa in a classic sulk , and Daniel rolled his eyes . " Look , Jeff , " he said . " It 's just not a good idea , is all . Okay ? " " Okay ? " Jeff glared at him from under black bangs . " It 's not okay , man . Look at you ! " He thrust his hand out at Daniel , who looked down . Okay . He was floating , which he figured was probably really cool if you weren 't used to doing it . But Jeff hadn 't said that he wanted to float - he wanted to fly . " I just don 't know why you won 't share , " Jeff said . " Did I tell anyone when I found out you could fly ? No . " He leaned forward , jabbing his finger as he spoke . " Because I 'm your friend , Danny . I 'm your … your … " " You 're my Jimmy Olsen , yes . " Daniel turned in mid - air and looked down on his friend , arms crossed . " You 've told me this before . " " And it 's all true ! " Jeff stood up and walked over to him , his neck craning to look up . " You can trust me , man . Just take me up . Just once . Quick trip around the block , that 's all I 'm asking for . " He stared up at him , his eyes expectant . " Huh ? " " Right . " Daniel reached down and , with a little effort , lifted his friend in his arms . He staggered slightly under the weight . " Seriously ? " he asked . " Maybe one ninety ? " Jeff tried to shrug . " Maybe a little more , " he said . " But … " He looked at the arms holding him up . " Um . What 're you doing , Danny ? " Daniel was already gritting his teeth , but tried not to show it . " How long do you think I can hold you like this , Jeff ? " he asked . Jeff looked like he was thinking , but Daniel didn 't let him answer . " Ow . Get down . " He nearly dropped his friend to the floor . Jeff got his feet under him while Daniel rubbed his arms . " Jesus , " he said . " I need to lift weights or something . " He looked over at Jeff , who was eyeing him with suspicion . " Look , Jeff , " he said . " Imagine that right there from fifty feet up . " " Yeah , " Daniel said . " Being able to fly doesn 't make me Superman . I can 't carry any more than I normally could , and I 'm sorry to say that I can 't carry you very far , Jeff . On land or in the air . " " No , " Daniel said , slashing his hand through the air . " Jeff , there 's just no way around it , okay ? I 'm sorry , but that 's it . " Jeff looked genuinely hurt . His big shoulders slumped and he slouched over to the sofa where he collapsed against one arm . He stared at the TV , but didn 't turn it on . Daniel knew this sulk well . " Look , Jeff , " he said . " I know it sounds like a lot of fun , and yeah . Sometimes it is . But other times ? " He sat next to his friend , who didn 't look at him . " It 's cold when you go up high . The wind means you can 't see anything without goggles , and your hair gets blown all to hell . And god forbid there should be rain . " He leaned back on the sofa . " Making sure you don 't hit power lines while you 're cruising . Small airports . And bugs - Jeff , you would not believe how many bugs are up there all the time . " " Yeah . Tons of them . " He started counting off on his fingers . " Bugs and birds , bats if you 're flying at night . And then there are the people down below who think they see something , so they call the cops on you - and how 're you going to explain that ? " He patted his friend 's shoulder . " It 's not everything the comics make it out to be , man , " he said . Daniel saw him to the door . " Jeff , I 'm sorry I was such a … A bummer about this . You gotta know I 'm not trying to be a dick . Right ? " Jeff nodded . " Yeah , man , " he said . " I know . " He gave Daniel 's shoulder a perfunctory punch and then headed out the door . Daniel watched him through the window , sighed , and went back to cleaning . " Shit , " Daniel said . " Shit , shit , shit . " He ran to the front hall and grabbed his leather jacket and motorcycle helmet . He 'd never known Jeff to be suicidal , but he had known him to be dramatic , and Daniel was afraid that right now Jeff might be confusing the two . He shoved the helmet on and zipped up the jacket as he jumped off his balcony and soared out over his neighborhood , praying that no one was looking up . Finding the art museum from above was difficult . He knew the city , but he knew it from ground level . Up in the air it was mostly just a bunch of grey rectangles , and if it hadn 't been for the small crowd that was clustered against the wall of one of those rectangles , he probably would have missed it . He swooped down and saw Jeff on the ledge . The crowd spotted him first , and people began to point and aim their cell phones at him . Daniel cursed under his breath . Then Jeff turned around , gave him a wave , and stepped off the edge of the building . Jeff was beaming , and Daniel wanted to slap the smile right off him . " We 're not finished , " he said , jabbing a finger in Jeff 's chest . Without another word , he took off , straight up into the sky , ignoring the collective amazement of the crowd . He shot up as far has he could go , past the thin clouds and into the cold , clear air . He was breathing heavy and sweating in the helmet , but he could already feel the cold around him . He needed that . He needed something to cool him down , because if he went back the way he was , he would probably say things to Jeff that couldn 't be unsaid . Things that would be mean and hurtful and unfair . |
I can not stand . I try for five minutes while he is in the shower . I know his schedule , the preciseness of his timing , how he shaves first , filling the sink with water while lathering his face , then turning off the water . It 's a safety razor and has been since the day I tried to use his razor blade . He starts with his neck , moving from the right to the left , then does his chin , then his upper lip . He then moves the razor to his left hand and does his left cheek . Putting the razor back into his right hand , he shaves his right cheek . He then lets the water drain as he dries his face . For the first five minutes I try to stand . I try sending commands to my legs to push my body up but nothing will come . I have had a bout of pneumonia and it has left me weaker than I would like , although I could , I suppose , consider it a blessing that it didn 't kill me outright given the low level of my T cells after eight years of this virus . When I am finished trying , when I am certain that my muscles are no longer responding to my desires , I turn to lie back down . It is then that I see him standing in the doorway . I look at the clock and see that it has been only six minutes since he turned on the water . I also see that his hair is still dry . The name hangs in the air between us . I suspect he is remembering the same thing that I am , Paul standing on that damn table and announcing that he was in charge . Or maybe he 's remembering Paul standing over a fire on a hill on a cold February night with blood dripping down from his hand . He stands up and looks at me . I am 29 years old . My hair is a faded brown , set delicately on a pale forehead . I have been slowly dying for eight years . My body has gotten weaker over the years and I find myself without the strength to stand and most assuredly without the strength to face an energetic eight year old . " Eat it . Eat it . Don 't you make me repeat it , " he sings to me . I smile and a slight burst of laughter escapes my mouth . He sits down on the edge of the bed and reaches for my left hand . He turns it palm up . He places my hand next to his , the scars side by side . He looks around the room , around the life he 's helped us build . But he 's not answering my question . " Not always , " he says , turning back to look at me . " She wasn 't perfect , Sarah . She tried to keep them , if she could . Things fell so that she was able to keep that one . " " Maybe you and I should have married instead , the insecure back - up couple , " I say , but it immediately feels like a hurtful thing to say . After all , if not for Kayce , Kyle and Michelle probably would have married . But Bruce pushes it aside , or at least chooses not to respond . So I speak again . " That 's just a myth , Sarah . It 's one of the things we like to make ourselves believe to cover the basic fear that there 's nothing out there to believe in . None of us ever have to deal with the difficult metaphysical trek through agnosticism into atheism and on through to nihilism because we all have something that we can solidly believe in without any lapse in faith . " He leans in close and kisses me on the lips . There 's enough life in my arms to wrap around him and pull him closer into the kiss and it 's going well until the tears start hitting our lips . When we break , he looks me in the eyes . " We all die . If we 're lucky , we get to say goodbye to those we love . She 's the only daughter I 'll ever have . " As I wait for Kayce to come bursting through the door , I think of a conversation with her mother . I began it casually , with a simple question : What time was Kayce born ? In the morning , was Michelle 's answer , but I needed more than that . What time was it when Kayce was born I asked . It was 8 : 11 in the morning she replied and that was when I knew . I had been wondering about it since I first knew Kayce 's birthday . So then I asked Michelle the question that had been burning inside of me . Do you know where Bruce was when Kayce was born ? " To everything , turn , turn , turn . There is a season , turn , turn , turn . And a time to every purpose under heaven , " I sing , the words coming quickly , pushing forward from my lips , less an effort of singing than uttering in tune . The last eight words come much more slowly , deliberately . " A time to kill . A time to die . " There is a long pause as I make contact with Kayce . She is about to say something when I think she must notice the tears that are on the edge of my eyes . She shakes a little and then clenches her fists as she responds . " Listen to me , honey . I can 't even stand up . I can 't get out of bed . I can barely even lift my arm . I am weak and I am never going to be strong again . I live in this pain , everyday , and I can 't take this pain anymore . I 'm not as strong as your mother . " " I will be back , honey . You have videos of me . Pictures . Memories . Things that can 't be taken away from you . Things that you will always be able to keep . " " I have spent my entire adult life dying , Kayce . You knew this was going to come . I 'm just not putting off any longer . I can 't keep waiting for the great leap forwards . " " What do you suggest I do ? " I yell in a hoarse whisper . " I don 't know any great deep and meaningful literary quotes . Song lyrics are the only thing I know . " " She broke into my filing cabinet and read my journals from college , " Bruce says , calmly . Kyle and I both turn to stare at her . She looks down . " Polaroids are a thing of the past . These were prints I made from a digital camera . At least the ones of Michelle were . The ones of Jess were not . " " Shall we open that drawer of the little nightstand right there on the other side of your bed and discuss the contents ? " Bruce replies and that shuts me up . Silence reigns in the room for over a minute . " You aren 't gonna let her die , are you ? " Kayce asks the two men , the men who have been my lifeline for nearly a decade now . I look at them and they slowly stare at each other , not quite sure how to respond to the question . " You are , " Kayce says . There are tears in her eyes . She moves close to her father and for a minute I wonder if she will pound her fists against his chest , screaming out her rage and pain . Instead , she clings to him , holds him close , leans her head against his chest and seems to listen to the calming beat of his heart as they both try to calm themselves . The tears are coming harder now and it looks like it won 't be long before we 're all crying . I look to Kyle and Bruce . It 's been almost 11 years since we sat together in the common room , all the new kids in the hall , never dreaming how much we would go through together . And so I make a decision . " San Diego . I 'll explain once we 're on the road . But we need to get moving because it needs to still be light out when we get there . " " I want to see the ocean . I 'm sure as shit not going back to Orange County on the last day of my life . So we 're going to Point Loma . We can watch the sun set from out at the monument . I want to see something nakedly beautiful . I want to see something that will make me weep . " " Don 't give me that shit . That child is twenty - nine years old . She was born on June 16 , 1975 , making her just two weeks younger than me . " The length of the pause in the conversation surprises me . I didn 't think that anything about him would ever surprise me at this point , but I wonder if perhaps I 've surprised him . That , in itself , would surprise anyone who knows him . " Sarah , you must remember that the first time I saw her she wasn 't even crawling yet . She certainly wasn 't talking . She was like a little bundle of drool . " " I believe it 's her , Kyle . I see you look at that girl and you love her the same way you loved Rachel . Different from how you love me . Different from how you loved Jenn or Michelle . That little girl is our Rachel , all her energy and loveliness brought back to life . And you know it 's true . " The poor boy looks so out of place , the straight man amongst the drunks . How did Jeff and Tom and I manage to drag him here , especially on just the second weekend of school ? Maybe after that talk with Jenn he needed to be in here . I think he 'd feel more relaxed if Bruce had come with us but he 's not 21 yet , so Kyle will just have to suck it up and have some fun . Tom and Jeff already seem to have lost themselves in the crowd . They 're both hitting on what appear to be a couple of UC Davis girls . Which is fine with me , because it 's Kyle that I wanted here . Tom and Jeff were just along to help me get him down to the city . I admit , I 'm dressed to catch his eye . My hair is cut short again , just above my chinline , and I actually have a barrette holding some of it back , designed to make me look like some schoolgirl . I 've gone ahead and dyed it back to a normal color , a dark brown , with a little hint of red to make it stand out . My skirt is cut short and I 've pulled my button down shirt up and tied it just below my breasts . Laura thinks the black bra under a white shirt look is trashy but I 've found it generally works . Something has to pull Kyle out of this funk . I understand . He was standing there when Rachel 's car was hit , was the first one there to see her in the wreckage . Then he stood on that roof with Bruce and tried to keep Sean from falling away to kiss the ground . Is it any wonder that he ran from that into my legs ? But then we both went home for the summer and it seemed like it wasn 't going to last , it was just one more thing to help him get over Jenn after they broke , after she ran off to Bruce 's arms and bed . Christ , Jenn can 't begrudge Kyle sleeping with me . At least he wasn 't climbing into the bed of her best friend . And finally , the music lends a helping hand . They 've been playing horrible shit like Oasis and Hootie and god knows how you 're supposed to dance to that . But this ? New Order ? " True Faith " ? Oh , hell yeah , I can dance to this . And so I do and as I turn , I look at him and he 's just standing there like the world 's grumpiest 21 year old . " You 're making a joke of my sexual prowess ? I can take your mind off things , you know . I bet I give a better blow job than Ms . Gabriel . " I stop . I am . I am doing this when I shouldn 't be . I can 't be doing this . I have to change what I 'm doing . Is denial the first stage ? I sit at a table . He sits with me and takes my hands . I 'm covered in sweat . I shouldn 't be covered in sweat . I 've barely been out there dancing . Oh God am I scared . " You look lonely , Kyle , " I say , pushing down all of my fears . Some of my fears . The ones that he can 't do anything about . " You look sad . And I 'm lonely . I 'm tired of being lonely . I thought maybe you might be too . " " Hey , they know the rules when they came to Sac with me . They stay in sight or they could get left behind . They 'll be fine . Jeff 's fucking loaded and Tom always has enough with him to pay for a motel room . " " Let me let you in on a little secret . Every fucking girl on campus except Jenn and Kate has slept with Tom . And the reason they don 't fret too much when he 's gone on to someone else is that he 's a pretty lousy lay . He has no fucking style in bed . You totally put him to shame . " Outside it is still light , a strange late summer dusk with a touch of breeze to make it nice . We cut a few blocks over and walk along the river and he actually takes my hand as we walk . Maybe we can 't always get what we want and I 'm not about to believe that we find that we get what we need , but sometimes we just get things that are nice . " It went better than it could have gone , " he says , but I 'm not sure I believe that . I 'm not sure that he believes that . He thought he could sit in the Diner with No Name and have lunch with her and fix everything because he always believes that he can solve everything . He never expects less of himself . " It 's okay to smile , you know . You 're allowed to laugh in life . I thought it was Bruce who was supposed to have no sense of humor . The world isn 't so bad sometimes . " " Just give a little respect to me , " he sings and I think we are both surprised . But then I realize I 'm trying to cheer him up . I 'm flirting , making the moves and I can 't be doing any of this . I have to tell him . I have to tell somebody . I turn away and when I see a picnic table , I sit down . I feel completely exhausted and I wonder if he 's going to have to go get his car and come back to get me . He frowns as he looks at me . I think I was reaching him and maybe that 's why I had to stop . He walks over to me and looks at me . I look away , just stare out at the growing summer darkness . " Do you believe in God ? " I ask . He is taken aback . He sits down on the bench , his shoulder resting just inches from my knee . " I do , " I say . He turns and looks up at me . I look down at him and nod . " I do , I still believe in God . In spite of everything , I believe in God , because it seems like there must be something absolute about the world . It seems the only answer plausible enough for me . " " Do you believe in love ? " I ask him . He takes time before he answers , thinking much more about this one than he did the first question . He doesn 't react at first . I can tell he wants to , that he 's fighting the urge to react . Did he want to hear that I could believe in love with him ? That I loved him ? That I wanted him to love me ? He moves like he is going to stand and I grab his arm because he needs to know this isn 't about him . " I never asked for anything , " he says , but it comes too quickly and softly . He wasn 't just asking for something , but I was trying to offer something , something I can 't offer . I stare at him . " I wish , Kyle , more than anything , I could believe in love with you . I wish I could love you more passionately than Jenn ever did , more passionately than Sean and Rachel loved each other . But that promise would be a lie . Every promise of pleasure I could make to you would be a lie . It would be just one more thing about my life I wouldn 't be able to follow through on . And I still couldn 't stop myself from flirting with you because I don 't want to have to admit what 's happened to my life . " " Sick is right . Sick , like Tom and Jim . Sick like the rest of the fucking people at school , like all the fucking people back on Market Street , like so many people in this fucking country . Sick at heart , sick in the head , sick of trying , sick of making an effort . The whole fucking country is too sick to make the effort to be happy . The great pursuit of happiness and no one has the courage to go fight for it . " I am crying harder now but I 'm not saying anything . I just let him get it out of his system . Then when he stops talking , but continues to pace , I say my own piece . " I 'm sorry that she hurt you , Kyle . I 'm sorry that what happened to Rachel and what happened later with Jenn has made you so bitter against everything in the world . I wish I could love you and make all of this disappear in a flurry of beauty and despair and everything else that 's so important , everything you know so much about and that none of rest of us know because we aren 't as smart as you . You 're so fucking smart , both you and Bruce , and what you both just need is love . So fucking simple and that 's all you both need . Bruce needs someone to love , you need someone to love you . I wish I could be that person for you . Jenn can 't be that person , Rachel is gone and I think Michelle is more the person that needs to be loved . Maybe she 's the one for Bruce . " " Because I do love you , Kyle . Maybe not as much as Michelle does , maybe not as much as Jenn did . But I love you , love you more than I ever loved Jim or Paul . But I can not believe in love with you . Because I am sick . This is not the kind of sick that lingers over a heart and mind and keeps happiness at bay . This is not the kind of sick that keeps me from lunging for happiness just because it 's hard . This is the kind of sick where you catch a common cold and you get really bad and then you die because your body doesn 't understand how to get well anymore . This is not the kind of sick you get better from . " " Don 't be bitter because all the music you 've ever listened to combined isn 't as good as ' Born to Run ' , " he comments without looking at either one of us . But then , finally , he turns to me and he has a bit of a smile . He even kisses me on the forehead just as Bruce starts to slow down . " It 's the Inspection Station , " Bruce says . I lived in California for most of my life but I always forget about this because I so rarely left the state and you only find this out when you enter California on an interstate . The damn state is so obsessed with making certain none of their precious produce is damaged from an infestation that you have to declare that you 're not bringing anything in . Bruce comes to a stop and a nice looking woman in sunglasses peers inside and asks if we are bringing any fruit into the state . I 'm having none of this . I lean forward so that she can see me . I can feel Kyle flinch a little and I know he 's closing his eyes in disbelief . I imagine Bruce , his carbon copy in so many ways , is doing the same . But thankfully I have someone in the car on my side . " That 's all right , sir , " the nice woman , who really is probably too nice to deserve this , says to him . " We don 't want you to bring in fruits or vegetables . Bad jokes are sadly still allowed . " A slight snicker comes from the woman and she waves us on . When she does , Bruce gives Kayce what I call the Dad look , which isn 't as effective as what Kayce used to call the Mom voice . Kyle looks at me and I just smile . " Do you think of me much ? " she asks . I don 't have to look around . As the years go by , you start to learn who the voices belong to , what they want , why they have come , who they are asking for . " At the moment , the only thing I am thinking about is a possible conclusion to this fucking story . I have no intention of asking for an extension on everything again this semester , " I say without looking up . I take another bite of my apple , holding it in my left hand as I write with my right hand . But after the bite , I make a motion with my hand towards the chair next to me . At the edge of my peripheral vision , I see her take a seat . I look at her for a second and note that her hair looks much as it did when we first slept together . Actually , no . She 's grown her hair out over the summer . Her hair , freed of the ponytail at the moment , looks the same length as Jessie 's was when she left . I 'm not sure what I think of that , so I look back down at the story and continue to eat my apple . I can tell , even when looking down , that she is staring at me . It is particularly unnerving , as the only other person who sits and stares at me like that is Kyle , whose stare is much colder and reveals much less of himself . " What 's on your mind ? " I ask as I struggle to complete the next sentence . It shouldn 't be this hard to think of a fucking ending . They 're just words . I don 't know what to say and perhaps this says enough , as I have never known what to say , no matter who happened to be sitting across from me . That unknowingness has already helped to drive my first lover across the country . I 've only been with one other and she is now staring at me , making me uncomfortable in the same way the first one would make me when she knew I was behind in the conversation . I wait , almost two full minutes , looking at her , remembering all the things about her that make me almost love her , the way I almost love everyone we know . I think about how she 's smarter than everyone else I know , about how her voice is so refined , not soft and sexy like Sarah 's , not low and mysterious like Michelle 's , just refined , where every word seems well thought out before spoken , like she was born to be saying important things and that people would listen . I think of all that . Then , finally , I talk to her . " What do you want me to say , Jenn ? We both know why it happened between us and we both know why it 's better off being in the past . If you 're asking me if I want to sleep with you , well , on one level the answer would be yes without hesitation . But then comes the level with the hesitation and that makes me stop . " I think of saying more , but before I can , Jim is sitting next to us . We both turn to look at him . He doesn 't take the hint . " Not the thing I 'm referring to . What you two are talking about is between the two of you . I spent two years living with Paul . I 'm tired of listening to that kind of shit . Why can 't you people ever talk about your sex lives in private instead of the middle of the student center ? " " Can 't you just fucking speak ? " Jenn yells at him . " You all learned too god damn much from Paul . It 's okay to speak sometimes . There 's no three act structure to follow in life . Nothing has to be kept back until the climax . Fucking talk . " " Well , how exactly is that our problem ? " Jenn asks . " And I 'm not sure why the hell you know about it , anyway . That kind of thing should be kept strictly confidential . " " Because it 's the kind of thing that slips out in bed , especially when you 're scared . Hey , didn 't you used to sleep with her ? You should get tested . I should get tested . Fuck , we all should get tested . " The other shoe has dropped . Jenn and I turn to look at each other , but it 's slow and deliberate . We both know what 's happening now , both know who it is he 's talking about . And that means there 's really another reason why Jim came to us , not just Jenn , but both of us . Jenn was wrong . I do share a life with Kyle . Until Rachel died , she did as well . We all share our lives , it 's what the last few years have been about . We share our bodies as well . I shared mine with Jenn . She shared hers with Kyle . And it 's reasonable to assume that Kyle never shared his with Sarah until after he was done sharing his with Jenn but when you are talking about something that could make you sick it 's never a good idea to assume anything . And unfortunately , too many friends of ours , and even more people who aren 't friends of ours , have shared their bodies with Sarah . I can probably think of four in just our immediate group of friends . " They rejected her fucking blood , Bruce and they were really clear to Amy not to let her donate again . It 's not like she 's got a dose of the clap . If people even still get the clap . " " I did . But I have the advantage that I was the first to sleep with her . She didn 't catch anything from me and I couldn 't have caught anything from her . " " Nobody . Not anymore . I mean , that 's your worry , isn 't it , Jim ? You think she has HIV and you 're worried what would happen if this news gets out . We 've got hysterical idiots at this school who think god created the world in six days and hands out punishment to sinners and you think they 'll go bonkers with this news once it hits and you 're worried that it will hit , because , hell , you know about it and you shouldn 't . " She does to Jim what she does to me , what she has attempted to do with Kyle . She cuts through everything else and makes clear what needs to be said . There is a long pause as he stares at her and I become an afterthought to the conversation . " What the fuck are we supposed to do ? " I ask . " Do we warn her ? Maybe she already knows . Do we warn Kyle ? Maybe it 's too late to warn him . Do we try and find every idiot on this campus that she 's fucked ? That 's probably everyone but me and Kevin . " " Or is it worse than that ? " she asks . I 'm turning to look at her but she 's already talking . " Do we have to figure out when I last slept with Kyle ? When he first slept with Sarah ? When I slept with you ? Does everybody have to start counting things back ? " There is a long pause at the table as we all catch our breaths . Then we all turn and see Kyle standing behind us . I don 't know how he can surprise us out of the shadows in the middle of the damn day in the middle of the student center , yet he has . " Such language , Jennifer . I expected more of you . I presume you won 't use that kind of language in your valedictory speech , come May . " " Must know what , Kyle ? " Laura ask and there is more than a hint of desperation in her voice and I wonder if the rumors about her and Sarah are real , if they 're more than just roommates . " You can 't be telling me this is true ! " " Who could have done this ? " Kyle asks , staring at the flyers . We look around and realize that Laura is right . They 're all over the place . " Of course I do , you uptight , rich , pretentious bitch ! " Laura yells back with more of a forceful comeback than I would have expected from her . " But the flyer says AIDS . " " Yeah , well it 's not AIDS , Tanghead . It 's HIV , " Jenn says , but she 's not looking at Laura . She 's staring at Kyle . " Because it is HIV , isn 't it ? " Kyle slowly looks up at Jenn . Jim was right , of course . Jenn is the smartest and she 's figured out what 's happening here . Kyle 's affirmative nod is so subtle that anyone who doesn 't know him as well as Jenn and I might not even notice it . " She 's at our apartment , " Kyle says , softly . We all look to him to see if he will say more , but for once his anger fails him . He sits down . " Laura , go over to our place and go talk to her . Tell her what 's happened , see if she knows who might have done it . Jim , Kyle , come on . Let 's see if we can get all these fucking things torn down . " I stand up and crumple up the flyers on the table and then I look at Jenn . The three of us stare at Paul , completely dumbfounded . He graduated three months ago . He 's a grad student down at Berkeley , living with Sharon . This must just be an illusion resulting from the last stressful couple of hours , wandering around campus , tearing down all these fucking flyers . There must have been a couple hundred of them and we don 't have the faintest idea who could have done it . " It 's a Saturday afternoon , in case you didn 't notice . Nobody has classes on Saturday , even at Cal . I drove up to see you guys . " " Okay , " Jim says , " not that it 's not cool to see you , but what the fuck for ? You just got out of this fucking place . And stop drinking all my beer , " Jim yells , grabbing three bottles from the fridge . He hands one to me and goes to hand one to Kyle , but Kyle just stares at him . " And what a special occasion you have chosen , " he says and points at me , adding , " Groomsman . " Then he points at Kyle and says it again . Then he points to Jim and adds , " best man . " " Shut up , punk , " Paul responds . " Now , the seventh of April . I hope you all like raisins , because Sharon is determined to get married in her parents church , which means we 're having this wedding in fucking Fresno . But you will all be there . You will all wear tuxes , as will Kevin , after I have told him . Sharon will probably end up finding him first , since she was going to go ask Kate to be the maid of honor and then try to find Jenn and Sarah to ask them to be bridesmaids . " The three of us share a look and Paul stares at us because in spite of being at least half - drunk already , he 's quick on the uptake . He realizes there is something wrong . So we tell him . Kyle and I are helping Paul stumble along . We 've abandoned Jim to his own abilities , which aren 't much at his level of drunkenness , so he 's fallen way behind . I think we 're headed to our apartment , because clearly Paul isn 't headed back to Berkeley drunk like this . When we talked to Sarah , Sharon and Laura were both with her . I 'm not sure why Sharon is willing to have Sarah be a bridesmaid when she won 't have Laura , but maybe it 's Paul who doesn 't want Laura standing there at his wedding . Now we just need to figure out where we 're going . " Oh , fuck this . I need to sit for a minute , " Paul says . We 're still several hundred yards short of our apartment , so Kyle and I just kind of dump him on the ground . Jim makes some progress towards us while we stand there , staring at Paul . " Well this has been an interesting day , " Paul says . " Gonna be some interesting times . Maybe I graduated too early . Or just in time to miss all this shit . " " Good fucking lord , " Kyle says . " Why is it only your legs are affected when you get drunk and not your mouth ? We not only have to carry you home , but we have to listen to you babble as well . " Now we are both staring at him . He wasn 't there , didn 't see it happen , didn 't have to live through it . I can 't imagine what he 's got to say about it . So he does . We listen . He stares at us and it 's weird how focused he looks given how drunk he is and how little he can walk under his own power . " You couldn 't save Sean , " he begins . Kyle and I start to look at each other but Paul yells at us and we turn back to stare at him . " Hey ! Listen ! You couldn 't save Sean . Nothing was gonna save Sean . You two think because you were on the roof with him , because you tried to talk him down , to keep him from falling , that there was something you could have done . But Sean was already dead . He was dead before he ever got up on that roof . He gave up . There was nothing left for him to do but die . " He pauses for a moment as he catches his breath . We both look down , trying not to think about this . But he yells again and brings us back to him . " Listen to me , damn it ! Stop carrying this around with yourselves . Sean made his choice , and it was awful , but you couldn 't change it . But Sarah is not Sean . She is strong . And you are not gonna let her give up . I loved that girl . Maybe I still love her . But she 's with you , Kyle . She loves you . She 's loved you since the god damn minute she set eyes on you . And you will be strong for her . And Bruce , you will be strong for them both , because you 're good at it . So you two keep it the fuck together . Because I will not lose her like we all lost Sean . This is not fucking 1986 . People don 't just die just because they have HIV . Fucking Magic Johnson has had it for five years and he came back and played for the Lakers last season . And thankfully they lost , because I hate the fucking Lakers . But , back to the point . Sarah is strong . She can fight this . She can live . She is not lost . So don 't you fucking give up on her . " We 're in El Centro , which puts us well past halfway to San Diego , so we won 't have any trouble getting there in time for sunset . It 's a beautiful August day and I remember why I loved growing up in California . I lived in Villa Park for 18 years and then on and off for four more and I rarely ever saw anything that wasn 't a beautiful day . It seemed like every day started overcast and you wondered if it really would be like the day before , but then the sun would burn off the clouds and it was just a joy to behold . I sure don 't miss the homophobic assholes I grew up with , but god damn do I miss the beach . " All I ever wanted . All I ever needed . Is here in my arms , " he says . I turn and stare at him and I could almost feel Bruce and Kayce get tense in the front seat . There isn 't a hint of smile in my husband 's face but I can tell that he 's enjoying himself . I have not been feeling well , although my doctor says it 's not anything dangerous . My T - Cell count is a bit low , but it 's nothing to worry about . Just get some rest , he said . And I have been able to do that , working on school work without always being there , thanks to the surprising overreaction from my dad . Well , that he overreacted isn 't surprising . That he was willing to stand up for me once he learned what the situation was is the surprising bit , but he 's a damn good lawyer and I think he scared the hell out of the dean of students . It 's clear that whoever leaked my medical info isn 't employed by the school , but that doesn 't make it any easier to cope with . It 's been a very hard month and I 've been tired a lot , which is why it took so long to get around to making this lunch date . Michelle is having a tuna melt , which is probably the best thing they make here at the Diner with No Name , but I 'm not feeling up for that , so I 'm having a small salad and a cup of soup . But the soup is really good as well , so I suppose I 'm not losing out . At least on the food . But with Michelle , I 'm a bit more worried . " What did you want to talk about ? " she asks . Most of our friends have been very supportive . Actually , they all have . Kyle , my rock . Laura , my dear darling . Bruce , who seems to be putting up quite nobly with how much time I am in his apartment and sucking away his time with Kyle . Jim , who seems to remember that he once loved me , maybe . Kevin and Kate , the two nicest people , always being so damn nice . Jenn , who is trying to be nice to both me and Kyle while never seeing both of us at the same time . Even Tom and Jeff . But Michelle , who has been just as nice as anybody else has also seemed a little distant at times . And I want to figure it out . Because she makes me nervous . " She 's smart . Much smarter than me . She 's beautiful . Not my type , not who I would want to fuck , but beautiful , no question about it . " " So I 'm not worried about Jenn . I can handle that . Even if she 's smarter than me , and she is , even if she 's better looking than me , and she probably is . But because they broke , I know where she stands with Kyle and I can handle that . " She doesn 't respond to this , but simply takes another bite of her tuna melt . I continue to stare at her . But , finally , when I actually resume eating my soup , she figures she must say something . " Because you clearly love him . And he clearly loves you . And that makes me afraid that I 'll lose him to you . " Brilliant , Sarah , I think to myself , about as subtle as a sledgehammer . But subtlety has never been my trademark and I might as well go with what I 'm good at . " Sarah , " she says and I look at her beautiful brown eyes and dark hair . I have been so scared of what she might say in this conversation and now that she has said she 's not standing in the way , I feel so relieved that I can barely function , " you being sick is hard . It 's got to be really god damn hard on you and pretty terrifying . It 's scary to a lot of us . And I know it 's scary to Kyle and it makes things hard . And it must be hard , because it means you can 't have any kind of sex life like you clearly both want . But , and this is very important , so I need you to listen to me . " I focus closely on her eyes and listen to her . " When Kyle is with you , he is happy . And he has been so rarely happy . It 's so wonderful to see . I wouldn 't want him to be with anyone else . " It 's about a week later and I 'm sitting at the table in Kyle and Bruce 's apartment . Bruce is in the kitchen , making dinner , while Laura and Kyle and I are sitting at the table . They both clearly have something they want to say , so I let them have their say . " The guy 's name is Brian Quint , " he says and it all instantly makes sense . Because this all happened here at school , because it happened right after I tried to donate blood , which is what made me find out I was HIV positive in the first place , we all assumed that it must have been someone somehow associated with the blood drive or the school . It never occurred to any of us that it could have been someone from Orange County , certainly not the pathetic fucking junkie who almost certainly gave it to me in the first place when I sucked his cock last summer to score some coke . I shouldn 't have been so stupid , but I never could have imagined he would have been so fucking stupid as to share needles . " Well , since he were the first person you told , he did some figuring and figured out who you probably got it from . Turns out he gave Quint quite a beating and that prompted Quint to flee Orange County . But first , apparently , he decided to come up here and give you some payback . " " He 's a special forces officer who beat up a drug dealer . I think it 's safe to say that Quint was less than convinced that the police would believe him . So he came up here and tried to fuck you over for revenge . " " Because he 's currently in a jail in Reno . After flooding the school with flyers , he apparently took I - 80 across the border , which is where your brother managed to track him down again , but this time just handed him over to the police . He had quite a collection of assorted drugs on him at the time , apparently . " " It might be best if you came and stayed here , " Kyle says , quickly . " Laura is very busy right now and you 'd have two people here to help you out . It would make your financial burdens easier . " " And what does your roommate have to say about this ? " I ask in a louder voice , leaning back so I can peak in the kitchen . Then I make my voice a little louder as I add " and he 's been watching The Big Chill too many times if he thinks the way to tell if spaghetti is done is by throwing it against the wall . " I see him take the pot off the burner and come over to the door . " It was my idea , " he says and that 's the most surprising thing I 've heard tonight . Bruce and I have known each other for years , since that same first day where we all met when Paul made us introduce ourselves with our hometowns and our favorite movie , but we 've never been that close . He 's always been on one edge of the group and I 've been on the other . I never would have expected this from him . " And I never thought I 'd feel this way , " Laura says and I turn to stare at her , my eyes growing wide . Laura is good at the game , but this is ridiculous . But , horrifyingly , she continues . " And as far as I 'm concerned I 'm glad I got the chance to say that I do believe I love you . " " That 's not what I meant . That kind of thing only happened once . And there was a lot of pot that night . Not just us , either . Golden Gate Park was full of it . Maybe we should have given some to Eddie Vedder . Maybe he would have stopped puking . " " Do you think he regrets marrying me ? " I ask . I really shouldn 't . Paul was big on that . Don 't ask questions you don 't want the answers to . But it 's the last day for asking questions . " Do you think he would rather have been with Jenn ? Or Michelle ? " " I have never known Kyle not to do what he wanted . If he had regrets about staying with you then he wouldn 't have stayed . He couldn 't talk himself into being a father . He certainly didn 't talk himself into marrying you . " That was a better answer than I could have hoped for . I stare out at my husband , the husband who has given me so much and it makes me think of others who have given so much , others I won 't have a chance to say goodbye to . But that 's the way this has all come down . With one exception , I think . I think I owe one phone call . This shuts her up . I don 't usually call her Laura . If I call her anything , it 's Sally Ride , and it has been ever since that day the damn red hair dye made her hair come out bright orange . So she 's listening closely . " You 're gonna get a call from Paul sometime later today . Maybe early tomorrow , " I say , and I 'm holding it together , but it 's close . I hope I can get through this . " He 's gonna be calling you with some sad news . And it 's important , it 's so very important , you have to promise me , that when he calls , you will be surprised . You can 't be expecting the call . You have to be surprised . " " You can do this , and here 's why . Because you 're the one I love enough to make this call to . You 're the one who 's not here but that I needed to say goodbye to . Because what we had , our love , is so important to me , I could not just let it go without saying goodbye . " " I slept with her the first time on January 21 , 1995 . I slept with her five more times , the final time on May 7 , 1995 , " Bruce says succinctly . There is nothing but tears and sniffling on the other end . " It 's the last day of my life , honey . There 's no one for me to spill this secret to . So you tell me , because I desperately want to know . There is a father , isn 't there ? " " It 's Paul , isn 't it ? Paul is the father , isn 't he ? " I ask and Bruce 's eyes get wide . I don 't think he ever even considered this possibility . That 's what so lovable about him . " He was coming to Boston for a conference . He knew I wanted a baby . I had been checking all the signs . I knew I was ovulating . He came over . " " Hey , it won 't be from me . I 'm sure as shit not calling their house to say goodbye . Remember , they can 't know . They absolutely can 't know . " " I think Kyle and Kayce are headed back this way , love , so this is it . I love you , Laura . I 'm so sorry we didn 't have more time together , the two of us . I am so happy for every minute we spent together . " " Oh , Sarah , honey , I love you , " she says , crying fiercely . I 'm crying as well . This was much harder than I had thought it would be , but the right things are never easy . I nod my head towards the phone and Bruce hangs it up . I have my tears under control enough that when Kayce and Kyle get back to the car , they don 't seem to notice . Or Kayce doesn 't , anyway . Yesterday was the worst fucking Thanksgiving I could have possibly imagined . I don 't know what Kyle thought would happen . I certainly don 't imagine he thought it would go badly enough that we would drive all the way back to the Oaks from the city afterwards . ' Are you out of your fucking mind ? ' his mother yelled at him . ' You haven 't had enough of the fucking Castro that you want to spend the rest of your life caring for someone with HIV ? It wasn 't enough when your father died of AIDS ? ' ' Yeah , well at least I know enough about who I 'm fucking that I 'd be able to identify a parent for any child I produce . ' he yelled back , which didn 't really make a whole lot of sense , since he 's male , but I guess it made the point . And then we were gone , back in the Mustang , headed back to school . Bruce was still at the apartment . He had refused , point blank , to go home and he didn 't want to intrude on this time Kyle had with his mother , not imagining how bad it could go . So he was there when we got back , watching The Princess Bride with Kevin and Kate for what was probably the eight millionth time . Tonight 's supposed to be a card game . Kevin and Kate , though I imagine neither one is any good at poker . Bruce . Laura , because she didn 't want to go back to Idaho for the holiday and Jeff is down at home in San Diego . Kyle should wipe the floor with this group . But I bow out of playing , saying I 'm tired . I am tired . Tired of life . I feel like I can 't do this anymore . I 'm not strong enough for this . I might be able to hold on to Kyle for a while . Maybe he 'll be able to patch things up with Jenn . Maybe whatever is keeping him apart from Michelle will ease and he can be happy with her . But the pure venom his mother spit at me was just too much . It 's not enough that my own fucking parents won 't talk to me , pretty much made it clear that settling things with the school was the last favor they 'd be doing me , that if drugs got me into this mess , then I can look to drugs for some help rather than them . I 've locked the door to his room . The others are all playing poker and they should be busy for quite a while . There 's the other bathroom , the main one , so they won 't need to come in here and use this one . This will be easy enough . And when they do find me , Kyle will have them around him to help him get over me . He shouldn 't have too much trouble getting over me . Not while Jenn and Michelle are both still single . Jesus , what is it with the fucking roommates on this campus getting obsessed over the same people ? I go into the bathroom and pull his razor from the medicine cabinet . My boyfriend is the only college student left in America who still shaves with an actual razor blade razor rather than a safety razor . But it gives me something easy to do this with . I turn on the hot water and run my arm under it . I undo the clasp and take out the razor . I stare at it for a minute . I put it to my left arm and press down , right where I can see the vein under the skin . We hear what sounds like a cry of shock or pain . Kyle and I look towards his room . Then we both react . Kyle is up before me and over to the door . It 's locked . But Sarah must not have realized that this apartment is old and all you have to do to undo the lock is twist the doorknob several times . She hasn 't cut very much . I think maybe she discovered that it hurts a lot more than she thought . Or maybe she decided she wasn 't really ready to go through with this . Because why else on earth would she attempt this when there are five friends of hers ready to stop her ? Is this real ? Or a cry for help ? " Oh , like what , Kate ? A family that 's disowned me ? A boyfriend whose mother disdains me ? A fucking degree in art history that will be worthless once I graduate ? A fucking disease that 's gonna kill me ? You tell me what I have that 's worth living for . One fucking thing . " " He 's right , Sarah , " I say and she turns to look at me . " We couldn 't save Sean . But we can save you . Love can save you . " It is after eight when we finally leave Point Loma . The sun is gone now , sunk deep into the ocean horizon . It burned a brilliant color , red and orange and yellow and purple , and it was the thing I most wanted to see again . And once it is gone , I have Kyle carry me back to the car . We sit in the car , the four of us , and wonder at what to do next . In my jacket pocket is the bottle of pills I have that will make this all go away . Kyle has kept his promise , for all these years , but now I need to make him leave me , at least for a few minutes . " All I want is some ice cream , " I say . None of them are liable to argue with me at this point and I think I probably have Kayce on my side when it comes to having ice cream for dinner . So we drive to Baskin Robbins and I ask Kyle and Kayce to go in and get me some Chocolate Raspberry . Kayce gets out , but I put my hand on Kyle 's arm for a second . " You know , when they used to have duels , they would ask the doctor to turn around , to give him deniability . You 're law enforcement . It 's best if you 're not in the car . " He kisses me on the forehead and goes inside with Kayce . I 'll give them five minutes . That should be enough . I turn to look at Bruce . I 'm able to get the pills out of the pocket and hand him the bottle . I nod towards the bottle of water he has with him in the front seat . He stares at me . This is a boy who still believes in God , who at least kind of still believes in Christ . This is not an easy concept for him to allow into his belief system . After the kiss , he pours the pills into his hand . He doesn 't argue with me . He doesn 't attempt to defend the sanctity of life , the violation , and what he probably sees as the cowardice of suicide . He does not try to explain that I 'm damning my supposedly eternal soul or claim that this might do something to the state of his own soul . He doesn 't point out that his own wife endured far more physical agony than I have and in the end , she let life work its own course through destiny to death . He does not do all of things and more . He gives me the pills and I lean my head back and swallow them . He holds the bottle of water and helps me to swallow . I swallow it down and then look at him . I am remembering images . The first time we were all together , calling out my name , " Sarah , Villa Park , Pink Floyd The Wall . " I remember Laura running her hand down my chest and my back arching . I remember seeing Eddie puking on stage and the wild night that followed , taking Jim and Paul at the same time . I remember yelling at Jacob to stop shaking my bed and realizing that it was an earthquake . I remember our city hall wedding and Michelle coming in with Kayce and suddenly realizing what it was that had kept Kyle and Michelle apart . I remember holding the razor blade in my hand after yelling out because it hurt too much when I tried to cut open my vein and the meetings with the school psychologist that I had to go through after that . I remember running down towards Mountain Lake , naked , and leaping in to join Jim in the water . I remember Bruce and Michelle , so happy together . I remember Kayce , the little girl . I remember Kayce , the pitcher . I remember Kayce , the light of my life . And I remember Kyle . I open my eyes because I realize I 'm starting to drift into sleep . I don 't know where we are , somewhere in the valley , headed back home . I won 't make it back home . There are still things I need to say . " Those two , " I say , pointing to Kayce and Bruce in the front seat . " You need to let those two in . You can 't block them out . You can 't do this alone . " " Everybody needs a place to rest , " I sing . " Everybody wants to have a home . Don 't make no difference what nobody says . Ain 't nobody like to be alone . Everybody 's got a hungry heart . Everybody 's got a hungry heart . Lay down your money and you play your part . Everybody 's got a hun - hun - hungry heart . " " I thought using Springsteen was against the rules , " he says , but he 's crying now . Kayce is crying now . Bruce is somehow holding it together , but he has to drive , and he 's a parent , so he knows how to hold it together . " Not long . I promise , " I say , but I can barely get the words out . Kayce is bawling in the front seat and I realize that the time has come . I need to say everything I have left to say . I can 't stop crying . I wasn 't there when my Mom died . Uncle Kyle and Aunt Sarah took me to their house so I wasn 't there . But I 'm here and Uncle Kyle is so sad and I don 't know what I 'm supposed to do . " Kayce , you 're not gonna understand this right now . But someday you might meet a boy . He 's gonna be a bit arrogant . But he 's gonna be handsome . And he 's gonna be charming . And you find out when he was born . And if he was born on May 12 , 1996 , well then you love him . You love him for the rest of your life . " " You have been the light of my life , honey . I don 't know how I would have gotten by without you . You have been such a joy . And you are gonna be sad for a long time after today . And that 's okay . But I 'll be with your mom . And there 's no one else I 'd rather be with . And we 'll be watching you . And we 'll be so proud , because you are everything we ever could have wished for . " She seems to be trying to lean forward but is having trouble , so I slip under my seatbelt and lean towards the backseat . She hugs me tightly and kisses me on the forehead . I hug her back and then get back in my seatbelt . I turn to look at my dad . He 's driving in the dark , but he reaches out and rubs my head . I do remember . She told me that there would be a time when I would need to be brave . That I would need to save my dad . And Uncle Kyle . I think about the last time we talked about this , just over a month ago , when Spider - Man 2 came out . There 's the end scene , when Mary Jane comes back to Peter and says to him " Isn 't it about time somebody saved your life ? " and I started crying in the theater . Now I know why . This is what my mom was telling me about . I look at Uncle Kyle as he holds Aunt Sarah in his arms . He 's looking down at her and she 's smiling at him , but they 're both crying . She puts out her hand and holds it to his cheek . I turn back around because it seems like I shouldn 't be watching him at this point . I take the CD out of the case and put it in the player . I know the first song , know the train whistle that starts it off . And when it starts to play , Uncle Kyle does something I almost never hear him do . He sings along . When I wake up , I look around and realize that we 're home . Uncle Kyle and Aunt Sarah 's home . I turn to look at my dad but he 's not in the driver 's seat . I turn around and he and Uncle Kyle are both in the back seat , with Aunt Sarah . Her eyes are closed . " Go make the call . You tell him that Uncle Kyle and I can 't come to the phone . Find out how long it would take him to get here . You tell him that she 's already gone . " " Kayce , tell him to make the phone calls . He 'll know what you mean . Tell him to call Ms . Beaton first , Laura . Tell him he has to call Laura first . " I stare at the phone . I 'm trying to make myself stop crying , which started again when I got out of the car . But maybe I should be crying . Maybe he 'll believe me more if I 'm crying . I pick up the phone and hit the speed dial . " Kayce , honey , was it peaceful ? Oh , I 'm sorry . It 's not the kind of question I should ask you . It 's hard to think about this . " I 'm crying again and I don 't know if it will make me more believable or not . I can 't help but cry . My mom always told me that I should be honest . I should tell people the truth , not just what they want to hear . But I heard what my dad and Uncle Kyle were saying in the car . And I know what I read in the journal , about how they all promised him they wouldn 't ever give up , about how they would stay strong and I think that this time maybe my mom would think it 's okay if I say what he wants to hear . " Oh , Mr . Barrett . She was so strong , all the way to the end , " I say and I 'm crying so hard I can barely get the words out . But I have to keep speaking . I just have to say this much so I can hang up the phone . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
You 're not . You can 't think of yourself that way . Many novelists do think of themselves in that way , but I 'm here to tell you that such a metaphor will give rise to a number of errors in your fiction . Because when you think of yourself like this , you are going to do things in your writing that you shouldn 't do . You 're going to explain everything , for starters . You 're going to give backstory and shortcuts that help your listener but not your reader … If you think about yourself as a storyteller around a campfire , you 're also going to summarize everything … If you think of yourself as a storyteller around the campfire , you 're likely to violate point - of - view rules . You must cease thinking of yourself as a fireside tale - teller and begin thinking of yourself as a filmmaker . Now the scenario has changed . You 're limited to camera and microphone to convey your story . You have to dress your characters and light your scene and compose your shots . You are forced to show the story through action , scene , and dialogue . A filmmaker can 't just summarize a scene - she has to play it out blow by blow and shot by shot . A filmmaker can 't just suggest a setting - she has to build it . She can 't just assume the audience is going to imagine things happening in the background - she 's got to put them there . " Salma : A Folktale Hey everyone , it 's been awhile . Life has been hectic ( I 'm nearly finished my last semester of my undergrad ( hallelujah ! ) , I 've been working , and I 'm currently in the midst of an exciting , epic " space fantasy " writing project with a friend of mine ) . Anyways , here 's short story I wrote for a creative writing class I took last semester . I hope you like it . Salma was a child when she first dreamt of the wind . She dreamt that the trees were filled with music , dancing and singing in time to the billowing gusts . In her dream she wore a blue dress and the wind pulled at it like a flag . She rose her hands above her head and let the wind whisper through her tangled hair . My baby , my little baby , a strange voice whispered . Do you hear my heart ? It beats with all the sorrow of the world . When she woke , her face was wet with tears . She found the boy exactly where she had dreamt he would be - in the grove , curled up beneath her favourite climbing tree . Careful not to wake him , she clambered up the tree and watched him from the safety of the branches . She knew he was a special boy even though he looked to be about the same age as She . He had appeared to her in dreams of wind and sunshine . In her dreams she flew through the sky and floated above him while he slept under her favourite climbing tree . And then he would open his eyes and float up beside her , an impish grin on his face . Salma studied the boy . He was nice - looking , with dark curly hair and a smile on his face as if he too were dreaming of flight . But his face was scratched and bleeding , and Salma wondered if he had been lost in last night 's storm . It had been a blustery night , and the storm had knocked down a few old trees in the grove and flooded the nearby river . Salma had been safe and warm in her bed , listening to the wailing wind and praying that her favourite tree would stay rooted firmly in its place . Her prayers had been answered . The boy opened his eyes and stared up at the girl in the branches above . They remained still for several moments , listening to the sound of crickets and the soft hush of the river . A slight breeze rustled the leaves around her . The boy stood and looked around at the shady grove . Then he looked up at her and grinned . " My name is Adair . " He grabbed the nearest branch and pulled himself up into the tree . " I can clean it , " Salma said . " I know how . " She dropped to the grass and ran to the river . She dipped her sleeve into the waters and then raced back to the grove . The boy climbed down from his perch and stood still as Salma wiped the blood from his face . They stood there , staring at each other for another moment . Then Adair cocked his head to the side and looked upriver . Frish , frish , came a voice through the still air . A strange look flashed across his face , and then he looked at Salma . The boy returned to the grove every once in a while , and the two children would play and laugh . They climbed the trees and dug in the dirt to find worms . Sometimes they swam in the river and caught frogs . Once they built a raft and sailed down the river all the way to town . As Salma grew older , so did Adair ; they remained fast friends . But each day , he would stop and listen , his eyes faraway . Frish , frish , a distant voice whispered . Then he would apologize and disappear . Salma asked him where it was that he went , and he would shake his head . " I have to do my duty , " he said each time , which Salma thought was a strange thing for a boy to say . She remembered how she used to dream about him and their joyful flights . She remembered how special he was , and she would nod knowingly whenever he said something strange . When she was fourteen , she learned that he was the wind . He told her by accident , and then fled , a gale flying up in his wake . He did not return for a long time . She dreamt of the wind again when she was seventeen . This time she fell through the air slowly , majestically . Arms spread out to catch the rushing air that whistled past her ears and through her fingers . The air clawed at her , her dress and her hair , as if to pull her back up . It fought with gravity 's inevitable pull , coaxing and pleading with her to open furled wings and soar amongst the wind and clouds . It tore at her , screaming and gasping for any purchase , any chance that she might pretend she was a part of this world . This world of whispering and flight . But no amount of wind or make - believe could keep her there . Her body was much too heavy for that place , and she closed her eyes as she dropped . She woke , abruptly and afraid . He returned to her when they were no longer children . The previous week , Salma noticed the strengthening winds . The old boatman on the river told her parents that something big and magical was coming . Her parents laughed about it once the old man was gone , but Salma watched the sky as it darkened and roiled above . She knew how the old boatman would call out to the wind to fill his sails . " Frish , frish ! " he would cry , and the breeze would come to his aid and carry him to his destination . The old man knew the wind like she did . They both knew Adair was finally returning . On the seventh day , the storm died , slowing to barely a whisper . Salma ran to the grove . He was waiting for her beneath her favourite climbing tree . " This is my favourite place though , " he told her while they sat on the riverbed . He held her close and recalled the wonderful times of their childhood . " Even when I was far away , I dreamed of returning to this grove , " he said . They married a year later in the grove . The trees were laden with paper lanterns and garlands of flowers the children had picked . After the ceremony , the newlyweds boarded their new boat and set off down the river . They spent weeks exploring the rivers , drifting by towns and fields and orchards . After their honeymoon , her husband built a cottage for her beside the grove . Salma watched , a deep joy in her heart . But behind the joy was a terrible fear . As the days went by , she waited for the gentle frish , frish to call Adair away . I have to do my duty , he had told her all those years ago . When the day arrived , and her husband cocked his head and stared off into the distance , she held her tears until he was long gone . She found joy in her growing belly . The months passed slowly but she felt the child growing inside her and was glad . She dreamt of her child - her dreams told her she would have a son . In her dreams , he was a happy child , playing in the river beside their house for hours . He was much like his father . She dreamed that he ran along the river 's edge and befriended the old boatman , learning the ways of the river . When she gave birth , her husband by her side , she wept for joy . She named the baby Kell . Salma gave birth to a baby girl a year later , after dreaming of a beautiful child in love with the fields and birds . She named her Linna and watched as she grew into that frolicking , gentle child of her dreams . Both Kell and Linna had the magic of their father . They spent their childhood running through the grove and beside the river , blowing gusts of wind until they were out of breath . One day they ran in circles around the house until the clothes on the clothesline were dry and smelled of sunshine . Kell was a wandering child . He aided the boatman on his trips to the city upriver , blowing into the sail like his father . Linna used her breath for song . She imitated birds and crickets and sat singing by the door for hours . Salma loved to sit with her and listen to the sweet voice sing songs that reminded her of Adair . " Your mother is magical too , " Adair told his two children . Salma looked up from her work . Her husband smiled at her and then pulled Linna onto his lap . That night Salma dreamt of pain and sadness . My baby , my little baby , came the strangely familiar voice . When she woke , her face was wet with tears . As Adair kissed them from her face , she would not tell him what made her so sad . Between the dreams of sorrow , she dreamt of her third child . Little boy , sweet child , she murmured to herself as her belly grew . Months passed but her husband did not return . As the day drew near , she held onto her hope of seeing Adair again . But she heard about the great storms in the far away country , and knew that her husband was busy . She touched her belly and murmured soft words for the beautiful child she had seen . This child had a different kind of magic , she knew . She saw him bringing a gentle wind to comfort those who mourn , lifting prayers to Heaven , lulling all the sadness of the world . " My baby , my little baby . Do you hear my heart ? " A soft breeze caressed her brow . She spoke the words as she remembered them . " It beats with all the sorrow of the world . How long the wind is in coming . " She closed her eyes tiredly , still clinging to her little boy . She could hear Linna flying along the river and calling for her far away father . Kell stood resolute by his mother 's side , a hand on his newborn brother . She heard a lone gull 's call . Frish , frish , drifted a voice over the gentle breeze . " A t . v . fell on me , " she had said , her face red with embarrassment at all the eyes fixed on her and all the ears turned towards her words . Disbelieving laughter and then , " It 's true ! When I was six years old , our old television fell off the t . v . stand and onto my leg . " She shrugged . " It was kinda my fault . " Later on , she would tell him about the time she accidentally almost set her house on fire . She made sure no one else heard this time , though her face still grew red under his gaze . " I was eight , " she explained , like it made sense . " I threw my knit sweater onto a candle by accident and the whole coffee table started burning . We were eating spaghetti when the fire alarm went off . My parents weren 't happy . " She giggled a bit and then sighed . " I was more disappointed that the flames destroyed my favourite VHS . Prince of Egypt . " She said sadly . " I didn 't much care about the sweater . It was itchy . " He laughed , long and hard at that story , and every once in a while he would remember her quirky stories and laugh some more , no matter where he was . He was the sort of man that could laugh without worry . The sort of man others were envious of . He had a few scars himself , though he never could remember where they came from . One he knew was from cleaning up after the ice storm several years back . He had been carrying a load of branches , all covered in thick layers of ice . They were five times their usual weight . A single branch fell and tripped him up , sending him tumbling to the ground , one sharp end scraping angrily against his arm . It went right through his jacket . He used to play hockey in high school ; body checking , slashing , shooting , scoring . She always wondered how they could move so naturally over the ice . She always wobbled . He tried to get her onto the ice more often but her skates always pinched or her knees hurt or it was too cold outside . She preferred to ski , gliding across the snow a lot easier than the ice . Snow is soft and the only thing you need to worry about is keeping your skis from tangling . The scars from the surgery were the most recent , spider webs across his skin . She thought they were beautiful , even as they terrified her with their significance . At first they had been an angry red , but the fire died down and they smoothed out a little . A monument to what he had survived . A little map ; the ridges like mountain ranges . She reminded him often , and he thanked God often . Thanked God he had her . Not long after , they bought a big wolf of a dog and named him Winchester because she was in love with the Wild West . Winchester would never bark or jump or scratch . If he saw something he didn 't like , he 'd huff and puff as if to blow the house down . When he heard something he liked , he 'd sit himself down , throw his head back , and howl . The neighbours never complained ; perhaps they liked the dog 's singing as much as his owners did . He gave her a scar by accident one evening , turning a little too fast when she came up beside him , the Cutco knife still in his hand . The cold point traced a thin line from her pinky finger to the base of her thumb . She waved away his frenzied apologies but let him clean the wound . Longing : A Collection of Related Quotations Note : Last semester , I took a course devoted to C . S . Lewis and a number of his works , both fictional and non - fictional . I was struck the most by his resonant description of a deep longing for something to come ( heaven ) . And last Sunday , my pastor read 1 Corinthians 13 : 12 to us which reminded me of The Last Battle all over again . So , after reading several pages of The Last Battle , the Bible , and Till We Have Faces , I put together these few quotations . Hopefully they move you the way they move me . Till We Have Faces is considered C . S . Lewis ' greatest work of fiction ( and I agree whole - heartedly ) . It was his last and greatest novel , and the culmination of everything he ever wrote . It is a true masterpiece . " Do you think it all meant nothing , all the longing ? The longing for home ? For indeed it now feels not like going , but like going back . All my life the god of the Mountain has been wooing me . Oh , look up once at least before the end and wish me joy . I am going to my lover . " - Psyche , Till We Have Faces by C . S . Lewis " It was the Unicorn who summed up what everyone was feeling . He stamped his right fore - hoof on the ground and neighed and then cried : " I have come home at last ! This is my real country ! I belong here . This is the land I have been looking for all my life , though I never knew it till now . The reason why we loved the old Narnia is that it sometimes looked a little like this . Bree - hee - hee ! Come farther up , come farther in ! " " - C . S . Lewis , The Last Battle " It is hard to explain how this sunlit land was different from the old Narnia as it would be to tell you how the fruits of that country taste . Perhaps you will get some idea of it if you think like this . You may have been in a room in which there is a window that looked out on a lovely bay of the sea or a green valley that wound away among mountains . And in the wall of that room opposite to the window there may have been a looking - glass . And as you turned away from the window you suddenly caught sight of that sea or that valley , all over again , in the looking - glass . And the scene in the mirror , or the valley in the mirror , were in one sense just the same as the real one : yet at the same time they were somehow different - deeper , more wonderful , more like places in a story : in a story you have never heard but very much want to know . The difference between the old Narnia and the new Narnia was like that . The new one was a deeper country : every rock and flower and blade of grass looked as if it meant more . " - C . S . Lewis , The Last Battle " Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror ; then we shall see face to face . Now I know in part ; then I shall know fully , even as I am fully known . " 1 Corinthians 13 : 12 " I saw well why the gods do not speak to us openly , nor let us answer . Till that word can be dug out of us , why should they hear the babble that we think we mean ? How can they meet us face to face till we have faces ? " C . S . Lewis , Till We Have Faces " I ended my first book with the words no answer . I know now , Lord , why you utter no answer . You are yourself the answer . Before your face questions die away . What other answer would suffice ? Only words , words ; to be led out to battle against other words . Long did I hate you , long did I fear you . " C . S . Lewis , Till We Have Faces " They will see his face , and his name will be on their foreheads . There will be no more night . They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun , for the Lord God will give them light . And they will reign for ever and ever . " Revelation 22 : 4 - 5 On Saturday , my sister and I woke up at 8 like always . We didn 't notice it at first but there was a strange slowness to our step as we made our way to our kingdom outside . Our subjects were where we left them the night before when Mom called us for bedtime and the mosquitoes chased us in . Barbie and a few of her friends sat in the treehouse . They were the nobility of course , long legs and perfect smiles . Beneath the tree lay the others - army men guarding the castle , Beanie Babies covered in dew , McDonalds Happy Meal action figure toys all mix - matched and living in the village we made out of sticks and stones . We stood , inspecting the world we created , hands on our hips . I did not move . Something I didn 't recognize held me in place . I didn 't pick up the toys and begin playing ; I only looked on uneasily . I knew that my sister could feel it too so I turned to her . She nodded quickly , a little bewildered at her choice , and we walked slowly back to the house . We made sure not to tread mud and wet grass into the house and we put our shoes back neatly , our hands betraying us . Messiness never bothered us before … We turned on the television and submitted ourselves to the screen . During the commercials of shiny new toys , I stared uninterested and wondered at what moment last night did my sister and I grow up . Red roses grow faster than yellow ones . At least that 's what the Menders wanted . I 'm not sure they succeeded what with their facilities sinking into the ground like it did . Luckily they got out with their lives . That 's what the announcer said , though I know that the Menders think differently . I know that they considered their work to be their life . Maybe not the rose experiments , but certainly the other work that no one is allowed to know about . The only reason the announcer mentioned the roses was because he had to say something about the Mender facility 's purpose . Like anyone really believes that something as insignificant and impractical as roses would need a whole facility . But then again , no one believes the announcer no matter what he says . Everyone knows there are secrets . And everyone knows secrets are dangerous . Let the announcer and the Uppers pulling his strings keep their secrets . We 're better off not knowing them . The Menders knew secrets and look what happened . Van knew secrets and I haven 't seen him since all the birds took flight and fled the city . I always thought there was something bird - like about him , in the way he perched on the walls and watched everything . He was thin too , like those pictures of storks I used to look at and trace onto the paper I found in my dad 's old study . The paper is long gone , but I kept all my sketches . Van used to look at them and smile . He used to say that I could have been a great artist if the Uppers hadn 't already decided everything for me . Though he disagreed , I always knew he could have been a wonderful athlete . He could run like there were little steam - powered motors on his feet . And he could jump over walls and swim across wide , rushing rivers . That 's why I 'm not worried . If the Uppers found out about what he knew , he could always run and they would never ever catch him . Not in a million years . I don 't think they got him . I think he up and left like all the birds . He smelled trouble and he flew away . I only wonder why he didn 't take me with him . I suppose I would have been a burden . He understood things no one else did , including me . He saw things in the air . Past the airships that reminded me of whales with spiders on their tails and past the clouds that usually were a sickly green colour because of all the new factories . I swear sometimes I believed he saw the future . All I know is that he didn 't like what he saw . He didn 't like that I had to work in the factory . He didn 't like the way my hands became black with soot or how my hair lost its shine . Whenever I got home and he was there , he would see how tired and cold I was and how my fingers would shake a little bit and he would frown . Sometimes his hands would shake , but not from exhaustion . He couldn 't stand it . He hated that I had to go to the factories and that he didn 't . He used to always say how he wanted to take my place . But I didn 't want him to . I didn 't want him to see just how terrible it was . Then one day , the factories in the north sector sunk into a hole in the earth . It was like magic . One moment it stood there like a stationarTo be continued … Wigs I wrote this piece awhile ago after reading and falling in love with To Kill A Mockingbird ( which is still my favourite book ) . I think it 's pretty cute . Nothing heavy or depressing . Ms . Fleming 's wig had gone missing . I could see the old woman through her house windows , running around . She was searching for the wig . For as long as I could remember knowing her , Ms . Jolie Fleming had a wig . My brother , Jonathon said that she had been hairless ever since she got a rare hair disease when she was twelve . My younger sister and I couldn 't imagine Ms . Fleming as a child , especially with real hair . Jonathon said that when she was twelve , she got a rare disease that turned her hair green and made it fall out . She 's had the same short , brunette wig ( that I think doesn 't look at all like real hair ) ever since . I know this because I saw her picture at the high school graduation photos . At least then her clump of fake hair looked real . Now it looked like a mix between a handful of dead grass and the road kill we see on the way home every afternoon . But , she wore it proudly and we didn 't dare make fun of her . After all , Mother had said , how would I like it if I lost all my hair ? That silenced me . Later that day , I tied up my dark hair into a makeshift bun and tried to imagine myself bald , but soon gave up . Jonathon , who was thirteen , told me that a lot of twelve - year - old girls got the rare hair disease that Jolie got . During the years leading up to my twelfth birthday , I lived with the fear of going bald . My sister Leslie wasn 't scared . She still had six years to go and believed that they would have a cure by then . I often wondered why no other twelve year olds I knew didn 't have the rare hair disease , but Jonathon never replied . I always thought that he just didn 't want to talk about such a sad topic . Nevertheless , I trusted him and was thoroughly frightened that I would lose all of my hair during the year I was to turn twelve . I saw Ms . Fleming searching everywhere . I watched her check her garden , backyard , garage , car , garden again . I couldn 't comprehend how she could lose her wig , after all , didn 't you keep your wig on your head ? But Father said that she must have taken it off last night and forgot where she put it . I guess it was an age thing . She was getting old and forgetting things . But I don 't think I could ever lose something as important as a wig . If I ever lost my hair , I wouldn 't lose my wig . No matter how old I was . After lunchtime , Ms . Fleming rang our doorbell , I opened the big , red door and there she was . She wore a big , purple winter toque on her bald head . I thought she must be rather warm because it was a hot summer afternoon . She looked frazzled and her long pink dress had dust where I thought her knees were . She must have been crawling around , searching for the wig in places where she hadn 't been in awhile . ( If I lost something , I wouldn 't check somewhere where I hadn 't been with that object . She must have forgotten ) . " Hello Rebecca , " she greeted me . She sounded tired and she was slightly out of breath . I greeted her back the way that my parents taught me to . " Thank you . I am actually feeling fairly fatigued right now , Rebecca . But thank you for asking . " She paused to cough and then looked at her hands . " I - I was wondering if you … what I mean to say is … I seemed to have misplaced my … " she sighed and leaned towards me . " My wig , " she whispered . She continued . " I was wondering if you could search around a little bit . Maybe check your backyard . Perhaps Harry took it and left it somewhere outside . " Harry was Ms . Jolie Fleming 's gray cat . Harry was actually a female but Ms . Jolie didn 't know until two years ago when Harry had kittens . It was a big surprise when we found out that Harry , who we always thought was a boy , was the proud mother of six kittens . Ms . Fleming let us pick out a kitten to keep and we chose a cute little white kitten with gray paws and ears . Jonathon named him Obi - Wan ( he was going through a Star Wars phase ) although Leslie and I wanted to call him Simba . Since Jonathon was the eldest , he got to make the final decision . We were promised the naming of our two gold fish ( Simba and Nala ) , but that 's hardly compensation . " Good girl . Thank you , " And with that she scurried down the walkway and along the sidewalk to her house . I closed the door and sighed . Where to look first ? I thought that in asking me to not tell anyone , Ms . Fleming must have meant anyone outside of the family . So I went upstairs . I walked up to the ladder leading to Jonathon 's room . His room is in the attic , which he loves . That way , he isn 't disturbed and can have ' some privacy . ' I climbed up the stairs and knocked on the trap door . " Shh . " He said nervously , looking around . If Mom had heard my cry , he would get in a lot of trouble . I looked at him while rubbing my arm . He stared at me angrily . It wasn 't often that I blackmailed him like that , but I wanted help to find the wig . I watched his face as it switched from anger to resignation . " Anywhere . Backyard , coatroom , garage , I don 't know . Where would you look ? " I looked up at him . He was much taller than me . Nearly two heads taller . We looked everywhere . In the grass , the bushes , the tree . We looked in the sand box and around the swing set . I even clambered underneath the deck . I found a lot of old junk , but no wig . We spent nearly two hours searching for the wig and with every passing minute , Jonathon became more and more grumpy . Soon we were called in for lunch . After Jonathon finished eating , I suggested we look in the basement . But Jonathon merely made a face and went to his room . I guess he didn 't want to search anymore . I kept on looking for the wig alone , but gave up after another hour . We never found the wig . It remained one of the greatest mysteries of my childhood and I remember thinking of it often . Ms . Fleming was forced to buy another wig and I began to think that losing it was the luckiest thing Ms . Fleming ever did . Her new wig looked ten billion times better and she was happier . I didn 't understand it until I was older , but she had a confidence in her that I had never seen . 2 Comments June 20 , 2013 Writing Magic I bought the book Writing Magic : Creating Stories that Fly by Gail Carson Levine when I was in grade nine and it still helps me with my writing . I think Gail Carson Levine is one of the best children 's writers today ( she wrote Ella Enchanted ) and though this book is written for preteens , I find it funny , well - written , well - organized and informative for any children 's writer . This is from the first chapter : She awoke to frantic violin strains in her mind . She opened her eyes slowly , squinting in the harsh sunlight . A single dandelion seed broke from its perch and rode the barely perceptible breeze . Yet there was a silent persistence in the air . It quivered between her eyes and left visions of drums and a solitary , flickering light bulb . She brushed the stray dandelion seeds from her dress and slid off the lawn chair , the sun - hardened plastic cracking underneath her weight . She picked up the novel from the pavement and fixed the bent pages . She couldn 't remember where she left off . Sunshine and a full stomach make good sleeping pills , but are not nearly as effective as a dull novel . All three combined made for a lengthy nap that she had never intended to take . Judging by the sun 's position and the rapidly growing ache of her skin , she had been in the sun much too long . The throbbing on her arms and shoulders only added to the sense of urgency in her mind . Yet she could not understand where it originated from . On her way to the washroom to get aloe , she remembered the early morning phone call . Leave a comment June 17 , 2013 Georgiana studied her crooked fingers , not really thinking about the way her index finger curved a bit towards the middle finger or the way her knuckles weren 't large enough to hold a ring in place unless it was a size too small . She didn 't think about how , knowing her forgetful nature or her inability to stay stressed for too long , she would probably lose her wedding ring multiples times but she wouldn 't worry about it since things seemed to always shape up in the end . She didn 't think about whether or not a wedding ring would eventually be placed on her crooked left ring finger or who would place it there . She did not think about how most girls in their twenties thought of such important things as men , marriage and the end of the existence called singleness . She did not think about how strange she was not to worry about the things all her friends worried about . No , as she studied her crooked fingers and her short , unpainted nails , Georgiana thought about roads . Her crooked fingers had nothing to do with roads really , but she liked to look at something when thinking about other things , just as Catholics pray facing an icon but don 't really think about the object in front of them . They think of much greater things . Her fingers acted as a focal point and , as Georgiana learned at a young age , studying ones fingers is more acceptable than staring off into nowhere . Just beyond her fingers , she imagined roads heading off into an infinite number of directions . Some roads forged ahead in straight lines while others took crooked paths ; but all purposefully strove ahead towards a great many places . She saw in her mind 's eye criss - crossing paved roads creating an everlasting grid and she saw gravel chewed up by machines and placed in river - like meandering roads through cool woods and hills and mountain passes . Like the city roads , these lazy roads still went somewhere . She thought about how all roads go somewhere from somewhere ; they all have a purpose . Then Georgiana thought about veins ; her mind connected the two subjects instantly and obviously . She thought about how , like roads , veins go somewhere . They connect and act as a pathway for the transportation of important items . Just as a road connects a house to a supermarket , so a vein connects the heart to the hand . Georgiana thought about how each person is connected to others and how the whole population of humans on earth are connected . She thought that if veins are roads , or , roads are veins , then a city is a living , breathing mass of life and we are its cells . She wondered briefly if the government is then the brain , but did not like that idea . A new idea pleased her , arriving a split second after dismissing the brain thought . She figured that the government is more like the heart - the heart keeps the body running but doesn 't control it like the brain does . For a moment , Georgiana wished she knew more about the body iGeorgiana stared at the long , straight fingers tapping on the desk , the bright red polish perfectly adorning the perfectly manicured nails , before looking up at Mrs . Fairly 's face . Georgiana 's mind was still in a world of roads , but a small part of her brain heard and understood the woman 's command and her head nodded absently . That small part of her brain moved her neck and arm muscles and she looked down at the pile of coloured paper , her hand moving to pick up the first page and slant it towards her eyes for a better look . By now , her mind had replaced the criss - crossing , crooked roads with brightly coloured paper . Her lips moved of their own accord , " What did you want me to do ? " she asked , looking up , but Mrs . Fairly was gone . " Look them over , " whispered ever - helpful Spencer from across the aisle . Georgiana turned to him , eyes wide . " Oh , okay . Thanks Spence . " She looked down at the page in her hand and got to work . He smiled largely and nodded , quickly delving into his own work , thinking that Georgiana looked especially beautiful today with her fly - away hair in braids and pins and all sorts of twists . He thought about possibly asking her if she wanted to grab a latte after work but he remembered that she was boycotting the coffee shop for some reason or other . He then thought perhaps she would join him for some gelato , but then he remembered that she was on a diet or some such thing . Then he thought that the whole business was just much too difficult and gave up altogether with a sigh . |
This is my first post . I am Tlana 's older ( by one year ) sister . I know she 's written some stories about me and that 's fine . But there are some things that have happened and / or are happening that she doesn 't know about . So I hope you find them interesting . First , I 'm different from Tlana in several ways . While we both use the bathrooms at our high school and other places , she 's only 3 ' 5 " tall so when she 's seated on the toilet her legs just hang there and don 't reach the floor . I accept the fact that the toilets , which are made for much taller people ( I 'm 6 ' 1 inches ) and I weigh 190 pounds are not that comfortable for her and others who are small physically . . Therefore when I 'm seated on the toilets at school , I tower over the stall panels that are much lower . And on the stalls that have doors , my head and shoulders can be seen over the small doors . We 're also different in another way . Tlana craps real easily when she 's away from home ; on the other hand , I can wee much more efficiently than her , but my craps are often hard to come by . I might have to sit 10 to 15 minutes or go in two or three times in one day in order to poo enough to make a difference in the bowl . Tlana wears jeans most every day and I wear dresses or skirts much of the time so I can sit with a little more privacy when I 'm on the stool when there 's no stall door than can she . Unlike Tlana , I 'm into drama and music so I 'm longer at school sometimes 5 or 6 days a week at rehersals for music or set building for the play . So I think I 'm using the bathrooms more than her each day . Now my story . In the fine arts wing of our building , there are bathrooms on each of the two floors . They are quite a bit smaller with only two stalls each than the other bathrooms in the building that are much larger and less private . Yes , I know Tlana has written about this . Our drama teacher , Mrs . M . is young and relates to us really well . She 's only like 10 years older than us and she 's going through a divorce . So often she has to bring her 6 year old daughter , Sunshine , to practices and other work activities . Sunshine is really sweet and shy and because of her small size she has a problem getting herself up on the toilet and keeping herself up on it for her bodily needs . She was really awkward when needing to use the toilets back in August & September and since Mrs . M . is usually working with power tools on the set , or is at the light / sound mixer computer , or giving auditioning students directions , she has asked me to look out for Sunshine at practices . I worked with Sunshine a lot , when she 's need to get upon the toilet to crap , especially and felt I was making good progress . Well over this past month , Sunshine 's had some problems . One night , just before curtain call , I told Sunshine for the first time she could go in by herself . She did and it went so - so . But when one of my friends went in to see how Sunshine was doing , she was crying and skidding on her back out of the toilet stall because the door latch had jammed on her . She was crying badly when I went in to calm her down . Then about a week later , some girl or girls had pretty much filled both bowls with crap and when Sunshine sat down to pee , she was getting splashback right back up . Then one of the toilets jammed on her and almost started to run over when I stopped by to check up on her . She was so embarrassed by it and is now less willing to use public bathrooms . I think she 's regressing . I had just gotten back to my apartment from the weight room and my girlfriend was relaxing on the couch watching college football . That 's my lady I love her to death . We kissed and she asked me how my lifting went . Then I went to the bathroom to drain the radiator the door is always open and she walks in sees me do my thing you know . Then she 's like " I gotta take a dump . " So I get done peeing and flush . She takes her yoga paints and thong off she looks so good in those pants and sits her nice butt on the toilet . She 's farts loudly and pees . But then she says " I gotta go so bad but it doesn 't want to come out . " So I come with the idea of her butt facing me and trying it that way . I sometimes have to do that when I take a dump it usually helps me . So she does that and asks me to open up her cheeks and she starts pushing and grunting . After a minute of doing that her hole opens up and out comes 4 huge logs after another . She pees a little bit and then 3 more small logs come out . She is breathing heavy from all the pushing and straining poor thing . Her hole is opening up again and out comes 2 medium sized logs . I 'm like wow sweetheart you had to go . She answers back with you have no idea babe . Then I wipe her butt and vagina and she pulls up her yoga paints and we leave the bathroom to go watch college football and snuggles up next to me . School Teacher Kaylee A few weeks ago a buddy and I went for a good long hike in the woods . After we had gone a mile or two , he mentioned that he had to take a good healthy shit . Funny , I told him I had to also . ( and I mean I could feel a big turd coming . ) he mentioned that he didn 't have anything to wipe his butt with . I said " no problem " as I took a big long wad of toilet paper out of my pocket . ( I got in the habit of doing this in my teens as I always found taking a good shit in the woods enjoyable . Well , you guessed it , we found us a big log sitting on the forest floor rotting . He was unfamiliar with the process . I showed him the process of sitting on it with your butt hanging over ( your dick too if you 're a guy ) Before long we were both taking big heavy dumps over the log . I told him this reminded me of boy scouts . ( I enjoyed watching him shit and wipe his handsome butt as much as I enjoyed being watched by him . I could tell the feeling was mutual with him . I had enough toilet paper for both of us so we wiped and went on our way , each commenting on each others turds . ( I could feel the bonding that transpired between us ) Brandon T You asked about prepooping farts . They are caused by poop ( and also intestinal gas ) coming down into the sigmoid colon and rectum and increasing the pressure of any gas already occupying the rectum . This gives an urge to fart to help release some pressure . However , often this is not enough so more gas needs to be released over time . In addition , as more poop enters the rectum this also again increases the pressure of any gas remaining hence the need to keep farting . If someone needs to poop then releasing pre - pooping farts effectively buys them time whilst they are either looking for or waiting to go to the toilet . Some people may be unable to pass pre - pooping farts due to it being socially inconvenient e . g . when they are attending others at work or other situation . In this case the pressure can get very intense and the gas can get squeezed into any softish poop in the rectum . When the person does go to the toilet the gas comes out alongwith the poop causing the poop to " crackle " . However , this is not the only cause of crackling poop . My constipation has been pretty bad lately ! Last week , I got completely stuck . No amount of straining could get things moving - but once again I had that terrible situation where the tip of the turd has already poked out - but then it gets stuck and won 't move either way . It was like that for almost 3 painful hours ! Somehow I managed to get it out by pushing against the sides of my anus while straining with all of my force . I was actually beginning to sweat ! It took several more attempts but finally . I was able to get it all out . Hi there . About a month ago on page 2424 I asked what foods make you poop because I wanted to start the day feeling nice and empty . Well I finally managed to try it ! I followed Mima 's advice and ate plenty of rice and veg over the weekend , and it had been a few days since I last went . I woke up early for college and did my usual morning routine . I had a wee and a shower and then made breakfast with a coffee . I made myself another and got ready for college , deciding to wear skinny jeans and a t - shirt + hoody . I finished my second coffee then left to catch the bus . Once at college I headed straight for the toilets . Two of the five doorless stalls were occupied which I really didn 't like but I decided to be brave and do it anyway . I went into the middle stall , pulled down my jeans just enough to go and sat on the toilet , playing on my phone as usual . It really helps to distract me when I 'm pooping . I let out a small dribble of wee whilst waiting for the main event . After about two minutes my stomach cramped and I began pushing involuntarily . I started pushing out a really soft poop but still solid that seemed to go on forever . After the initial cramp no further effort was needed , it just came out at its own pace . It eventually broke off and I stayed seated , letting nature do its thing in its own time . After a little while my stomach cramped again as I started pushing out a second piece . This seemed just as soft and long as the first . As I was pushing it out I started weeing , the combined relief of emptying my bowels and bladder at the same time felt incredible ! My poop broke off and I finished weeing a few seconds later , I waited a little longer just in case but I was finally empty and feeling very satisfied . Looking into the toilet I could see a pile of poop completely filling the toilet to the waterline , I don 't know how someone as small as me could produce so much ! I sat down and wiped my behind three times , my front once and flushed as I got dressed . I sprayed a little perfume , washed my hands and left the bathroom feeling so good about myself . That day was the best I 've had all year and I think my morning relief is the reason Glad yours went away , Linda . Mine is still showing up and it doesn 't seem to be going away lol . Doesn 't help that I went on a vacation this weekend and that made me more constipated . I didn 't poop at all on Friday or Saturday and it took until yesterday to poop , at the hotel room . Luckily my friend knows about my constipation so he didn 't mind hearing all my grunting and groaning in the bathroom , but I still had to be in there for 40 minutes , pushing out a hard greenish / brown turd . Just as the hemorrhoids had been starting to heal , that happens and now they 're flaring up again . @ Dude in Distress Wow , that last dump you had sounds insane . Have you tried pulling out the turd at that point ? If I 've been pushing for that long and it 's not even moving , sometimes I resort to that . I also push above my anus sometimes to get it out and that does seem to help . TK my missus is a tween legs wiper too . Although she half stands with her legs bent and lets her panties an jeans / trousers drop to her ankles despite the fact they 've been around her knees whilst she 's been seated . She tears off length of paper bunches it up and wipes front to back for as many times as is necessary , obviously using a fresh pull of paper for each wipe ! To Shelbie . . . . . you have just enlightened me . . I always thought this was a male only problem . I have always been like you . . . . it 's even worse for a guy , standing there so publicly , and even if I am bursting , I can never pee in a public urinal If a guy stands anywhere near me . I always make a point of using a cubicle if one is available , then don 't have a problem with the extra privacy . Try not to get stressed , and think of anything else EXCEPT peeing , then you might find it easier . Don 't worry . There are 1000s like us . One day I was at home when I started to feel the urge to go to the toilet . I hadn 't been for a few days but was watching a movie so decided to wait until It was over . After about 5 minutes I was shifting uncomfortably as my stomach started to cramp . I went to the toilet and sat down . . . . . Nothing . I pushed but it was no use . I went back and my husband asked if I was alright I said I was constipated and had a reall bad stomach ache . He said he wanted to help so we both went . I sat down and he pushed on my stomach extremely hard . I was desperately trying to get it out " uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhggg " I groaned as I pushed and pushed . 1 hour later and I was still sitting there straining as hard as I possibly coould . ' Uuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhh " my husband pressed on my stomach as hard as he possibly could and I let out the loudest fart ever " it 's coming . . . . It 's . . . . . , . . . . . . . . , . . . , , , urgh " and with one more massive push my poop lands in the toilet . I get up and wipe , I 'm just about to flush when my stomach cramps in the most unbearable way . I sit down and hand a huge wave of diarrrhea . TK My girlfriend takes a dump every day when she gets home from work . We both get home close to the same time but if she is home before me she is in the bathroom every time . She sits down with the newspaper or magazine and sits in the bathroom for 10 - 15 and just kills it ! Lots of farts , plops , and grunts . When she is finished and wipes , she reaches between her legs from the front to wipe her butt . I just have a question for the girls , how do you wipe your butts , do you reach from the front between your legs or do you reach around the back and wipe that way . That 's how I wipe as I would think most men do because if we wipe by reaching between our legs , a certain something gets in the way . Lol . I tried it after seeing my girl do it . Hello all I am a female in High school . Recently after school My girlfriend Donna came over my house . After we had a lot of pizza together I had to take a Big shit and I invited my friend to watch , as I quickly yanked down my pants and panties and sat on the bowl . I then let out a booming fart as a huge , brown log started to come out of my ass . " Wow ! said my friend as my log grew bigger and bigger in size . I then took a deep breath and squeezed very hard as a big , solid log came roaring out of my ass into the toilet bowl . My friend and I laughed on how big it was as I then wiped my ass , threw the used paper in the bowl and flushed . Boy ! did that log feel great coming out of my ass and wow did the bathroom stink of a huge shit afterwards . Hoped you liked my post . Love , Sheena B Hello everyone . I pooped a ton today . I went three separate times , which is unheard of for me . Even twice in a day is fairly rare . The first urge of the day came at my usual time , right after lunch . I went to the bathroom and pooped several logs in less than a minute . I 'd barely started reading when I was already finished . I looked at my pile of 8 - 10 short logs at the back of the toilet , and wiped before flushing it away . A few hours later , I was feeling gassy . I farted a lot and eventually realized that what was coming next was not just another fart . I headed back to the bathroom and this time got to read while pooping . I passed two turds , probably five or six inches each . Cleanup was kind of difficult , took five wipes . My third poop came late at night , about an hour after eating dinner . I couldn 't believe I had to go again , but I knew if I didn 't get on the toilet I 'd poop in my panties . That load was another pile of logs , though not as many as the first time , and there was a delay between turds that time too . I tried wiping , but decided it would take forever to get clean , and I 'd be better off with a shower , so that 's what I did . In the morning I went to my stage were I could get the opportunity to work with little kids that are approxiemently 2 - 5 . At the first day of day care , I had a really rough time with the day care kids . 1 shit on their pants and the other vomited on me , I know right ! very gross I 'm still traumatized by that kid ugg . Annyways , when I am working I can 't bring my own lunch In the day care centre because the lunch ladies are taking care of the food . I was so exited to eat because I was hungry all day . Today on the menu we had mac and cheese I went crazy because I haven 't ate mac and cheese for years : ) , I finished the whole bowl in 5 mins but then I became so full . For a good half an hour when I was playing with the kids I starred to fart and my ? ? ? ? felt real gassy . I ingnore it cuz my co - worker was gone for a few mins . when she came back the whole room stank so I had to put some of my perfume to calm the smell . I told her I wanted to use the bathroom and i asked her to look at the kids for me . I became all red and splashed water on my face before using the toilet . I sat in the sit but only gas came out . So i tried to stop the fart by drinking milk . Milk really helped me for a couple of hours . After work finished I went to pick up my sister , My stomach got upset , so upset that I stopped the car to breath . My sister wanted me to go to her friend sleepover so I used that as an apportunity to use the bathroom . When I got to my sister friend sleepover party I tried to smile at the parents and asked if I could use the bathroom . The mom showed me the bathroom and I quickly closed the door to take a huge dump on the toilet . To be honest it was loud , so loud that my sister texted me saying If I was okay . After 15 mins I got out of the washroom but I still didn 't feel that well . i went to my boyfriend house to rest . . . . . . . Thank you Brandon , for your kind words . I 'm really on mend . Last night ( Friday ) Hisae said , do you think you can spend a night alone Mina . I said I would try . I want to lead a normal life again . Hisae is kindest angel in the world , but I want to test myself . I reduced my medicine this week , the doctor said OK . So Hisae went home and I relaxed little bit and went to bed quite early . Hisae said she keep mobile by her bed and if I feel bad I call her at once and she come with hot feet . I said OK . Silly to endure and make myself more worse . But I slept all night ! I woke up about 7 am and I didn 't feel so bad . About 8 o ' clock this morning Hisae came . I told her , I feel OK . She was very very happy and hugged me . We made breakfast and ate . After that Hisae went into loo , she usually does after breakfast . She kept door open , so I decided to go in , she smiled . She is always very quick so just when I sat down at her feet she pushed and many plops at once . She smiled again and then stayed very still , after a minute I heard more plops but small ones . Then she washed and wiped . And she said , how about you Mina . I said I wanted to go , because I didn 't go Friday . She said , can you go by yourself . I said , I can , but I 'm happy if you stay here Hisae . So she stayed . I waited bit , because not ready , I 'm never in hurry on loo . But then my bottom opened and healthy motion came out . I said , I want to stay more , Hisae said OK , she knows I always stay long time . After few minutes another motion and then another motion , so Hisae flushed . But I was not finished , so didn 't move . Hisae said nothing , just hold my hand and looked me with warm eyes . Then next motion came but very slow . Hisae said , Mina your face is red very much . I said nothing because when motion is coming out , don 't want to talk . Hisae understand . She held my hand and waited on floor near my feet . My motion came out slowly , slowly , it seemed very big . Finally it got a bit faster and then PLOP . Aaaah , I said . Hisae looked and said sugoi , that is Wow in Japanese . But I couldn ' Kazuko is still here , so I 'm going to take bath with her . Love from Mina My hemarrhoid went down completely after I used the nappy rash cream . I had to use it for about 6 or 7 days before it went away . It helped with the pain because it was very painful . It hasn 't come back again but I can still feel a small lump at the back of my anus . And I have been very , very constipated again recently too . Sounds like you did indeed have a very rough bout of constipation . How long had you been constipated for ? Are you still constipated now ? I 've also been badly constipated and lately its been horrendous ! if you are shy in a closed stall it may help to imagine the urinals we lucky guys deal with . At the very best there is a small divider between the fixtures and this is only in the classiest restaurants and upscale offices . Beyond that it goes from no dividers down to just basically peeing on a wall that has a catch trough at the bottom . In a stadium environment you are literally shoulder to shoulder with the guy next to you . Joy My name is Joy ( not really ) . I 'm 30 , just a normal working mom of one 3 year old . This afternoon at work I was so busy that I didn 't even take a break to go to the bathroom or have a snack or anything and then didn 't get a chance to go before leaving because I left late and had to pickup our son before the daycare closed and also had to stop at the store . But I didn 't have time to go at the store , either , and then had to get my son . By that point I hadn 't been to the bathroom since lunch and it was now almost 6 : 30 and I really had to pee . I can 't remember the last time I had to pee so badly . I drove home the ten minutes from the daycare with one hand holding my crotch and praying I wouldn 't catch any lights . We made it home but then I had to lift my son out of his car seat to get him out of the car . When I lifted , I couldn 't hold myself and I felt a squirt escape into my panties , but I stopped it quickly . Nothing showed on my black pants . I put him down on the ground and hurried him to the door . I stood with my legs crossed , bouncing slightly , fumbling with the key . I got the door open and as soon as I stepped to walk I lost another spurt into my panties , which now felt very warm and quite damp in the crotch . I quickly turned on the TV for my son and told him to sit and watch and I hurried down the hall towards the master bedroom and bathroom , legs squeezed together , hand holding tight against my damp crotch . I started leaking more as I entered our room . I made it to just outside the bathroom door when a huge urge hit me and I had to stop and almost double over , but my bladder had other ideas and I felt a full stream release and begin to spread down my legs , upper thighs , and butt . I couldn 't stop it for a few seconds and could feel wetness almost down to my knees before I regained control . I hobbled to the toilet , shoved my panties and pants down together and was releasing fully by the time my damp butt hit the toilet seat . I sighed with relief as I emptied the rest of my bladder . My panties were soaked , as wereJoy Hi everyone , i 'm Danielle and I am a paraprofressional for 7th graders . I mostly only go to the bathroom on my lunch hour or before or after school . Today while I was helping a student out I had a bad urge to go . I asked the other teacher if she could watch the students while I went to go . She said that she could do it . I walked down the hall to the ladies room . I walked to the last stall avalible which was the third . I hiked up my purple skirt , pulled down my stockings and g - string and sat down . I had three long and loud juicy farts and about maybe five more after the first three were done with . I pushed a little and out came a fat piece of poop , it was about 20 " long and 10 " wide ! ! ! I wiped many times until I was fully clean . I redressed myself and went back to the classroom . Byebye everybody and have a nice day ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Hi , today me and my 2 friends morgan , and riley and riley 's mom went camping for 2 days at a campsite . We were watching some tv in riley 's camper . Morgan said she needed to use the bathroom and I agreed . Riley didn 't need to go , so me and morgan went to the bathrooms up the hill . Somebody was already taking a poop in the 1st stall so I took the 2nd when morgan took the 3rd . I locked the door pulled my really tight jeans and underwear right below my you know what because the dividers were so high off the ground I could actually see morgans thighs . I grunted a little while the long piece of poop was coming out of my anus . About 2 more logs came out and I felt fully emptied out so I wiped , redressed , and waited for morgan to finish . On my next post will be the second day of my camping trip . Bye everybody , Abby C xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo I watched a show on tv tonight where in a 24 year old peed her bed and it wasn 't her first incident . Now I was wondering how common it actually is . There is such a taboo about it , which can 't be good . So who of you still pee their bed or pants often and how do you deal with it ? Jessi - Thanks for the story about Milly & Misty . Bet they felt much better after those big poos . . . . lol . Does Misty know how to unblock the toilet ? I taught both of my girls but Natalie still needs help when she clogs it . I wish we had a toilet with a stronger flush So today I have 2 stories . One of each of my girls . This morning I was taking a shower and the door opens , its Natalie . " Can I use the toilet " I say " sure honey " . " I gotta poop should I just let you flush when you get out " " Yes , please " I reply . I couldn 't really hear anything with the water running , but could smell it filling the room . . lol . . . after a bit I hear her say " whew I crapped alot " . I giggled . " Just leave it I 'll take care of it " After I got out I lifted the lid . There were 5 poos about 6 - 8 inches . . . 2 in the hole and the other 3 floating on top . Took 2 flushes , no plunging . Over the Weekend we went shopping at the mall and we went into " family " restroom . As Kayla had to poo and Nat and I had to pee . Kay was like please " hurry its coming " . Nat did her pee as I did . As soon as I was done , Kay was undoing her pants and practically pushing me out of the way lol . " Sorry Mom , a big one is coming " . She sits and farts loudly . I finish wiping and throw my paper in between her legs , and I see a big turd coming out . Crackling and farts and it drops loud . Kay lets out a sigh " Better honey ? " " Yes but Ive got alot more " . She wasn 't kidding . Several more farts and more crackling 5 more plops one after the other . She says " I have one more I think " Another softer plop . Nat fans the air . . . " Ewww you stink . We all giggle . Kayla wipes and stands up . We look in the bowl . A thick long poo coming out of the hole and 6 other poos varying from 4 - 7 inches on top and floating . " Good thing I didn 't wait til we got home or that would have blocked the toilet " She flushes and the strong flush takes care of it . The other day I went to the men 's room at work to have my typical morning bm and everything seemed to be as usual until I went for the 1st wipe . I typically tear off a length of paper and fold it so it covers my fingers and when I wipe it comes back with just the center soiled . This time the entire left side of the pad was just covered . My girlfriend and I have date nights of me fixing my famous jambalaya and watching a movie at my apartment . But this was going to be like any other date night I 've ever had with her . So we get done eating and turn on Goodfellas she wanted to watch it and get about half way into it . She 's all snuggled next to me . She says " Babe , I feel a major 1 coming on , can you keep me company ? " I never expected her to say that ever . So we go into the bathroom she unbuttons her jeans and takes her thong down to her ankles and plops her nice butt on the toilet . She strains and cries because she has to go so badly . So I rub her belly to help after about a couple minutes of doing that she breaks wind . She widens her legs so I can see the action . She pees for a little bit and starts grunting out comes 3 big logs one after another , pees again and while that 's all going on she grunts and out comes 2 medium sized logs and then a couple of small sized ones . She 's like " I feel 15 pounds lighter . " After that she asks me to wipe her vagina and her butt I happily cooperated I do that . She gets up off the toilet pulls her thong and jeans up . We leave the bathroom and didn 't finish the movie . . . . Hello everyone . I had a great poop today I wanted to share with everyone here . I felt the urge at my usual time and went to the bathroom . I sat down , peed , and farted a few times . I grabbed my magazine and began to read . I had quite a bit of gas before my turd finally started coming out . It came very very slowly , and I enjoyed it a lot . When it finally did end , I stood up to see what I had produced . It was a long turd , probably at least 16 inches , in one unbroken piece . It looked almost like a dark brown , backwards question mark . Then I wiped a few times and then flushed , felt a little sad about having to flush away such a magnificent turd . Yesterday I had a free lesson . before lunch and so I played cards with some friends . David and Amelie did win most of the time . When I gave out the cards I felt an urge to poo that hit me out of the blue . I excused me and went to the nearest toilet very fast . I felt like I would loose the battle if I would not be fast enough . I went through the door and I was alone and so I took the stall in the middle of three . I had a struggle to open my belt . I sat down right in time , because my poop just fell out of me . I pooped five mushy logs and they fell out without pushing within . Five seconds . It felt so good I needed a bit to moan . I did not need to wipe so much . I flushed and washed my hands . A girl came in and took the stall on the left . She peed with full force and the stream hit the water loudly . she was ready before my hands were dry Last month I started as a volunteer tutor after school . Students are referred to me by their counselor and I spend up to two hours with them after school in the library . Those of us who are doing the tutoring had to take a four hour class on how to do it , what not to do and motivation . So I get a pass in study hall to meet a transfer student Grant after school . He 's only been in our city for two weeks and he 's being forced to stay after school . So there 's some attitude but as he sat down and took out his planner to show me his assignments , I could smell that he had been holding in his poo so I told him before we got started that I was going down the hall to the bathroom and that he should too . He said that he likes to hold his poo until he gets home , but I told him that 's harder to do in high school ( he 's a freshman , still only 13 , and somewhat immature ) . So I walked out and took my regular after - school pee and when I got back to our table , I was encouraged when I saw Grant had not yet returned . I felt good that he had listened to me . I was wrong however when Grant came walking in , his fly was open and the belt on his jeans was still unbuckled . He was angry . He and he thought three other boys were in the doorless cubicles pooing and a couple other boys were at the urinals when an angry mother came around the wall , walked right in , was swearing about her son because she had waited 45 minutes for him in the parking lot . Somebody in the office suggested he might be in the bathroom because he didn 't answer the page ( there are no speakers in the bathrooms ) . Grant couldn 't believe that this mom came in calling for her son , and walked the complete length of the room scanning the boys with their organs out at the urinals and the guys like Grant who were seated . Then as she walked back toward the entrance to leave , she asked each of the boys if they had seen her son who he thinks was named Austin . I 'm like whaaaat ? Grant said a boy who was weeing at the urinal in front of him , turned to cover his organ and started splashing the boy next to him . Grant said he yanked up his clothing , finished in his boxers and then found he had spread some of his poo on one side of the seat . A couple of the boys at the urinals told her to get out and she told them that as a parent and taxpayer she could go anywhere and anyplace she wants in the school . Of course , Grant was late in getting back our table and still a little shaken up . He had some soft poo smeared in his boxers and I told him to go downstairs to another bathroom and clean himself up . I walked him down there and before he went in I told him that sometimes girls just throw out their underwear when they have accidents . I could hear a lot of water running , too , as he cleaned himself up . Then we walked upstairs again and worked on some General Math problems . My question is how can a guy like Grant get any confidence in using the bathrooms at school when things like this happen ? I written before about when I had an emergency and took a doorless stall at our civic center and a young boy not being watched by his mother just stood there and stared me down . I 've also told you about how teachers this year are going through the bathrooms and when the bell rings , chasing us off the stools and out of the bathrooms . But I feel this mother is at a whole different level . It worries me ! This morning my dad made bacon and eggs in the morning for breakfast . With the bacon and eggs i also grabbed a pomegranate to go with it . Took me time to finish the breakfast and i still had some time to myself before i head to school . i was browsing facebook when i passed some nasty gas . i just ignored it . when it was time to go i got in my car and headed to school . during the drive i had to leave the window open since i was farting a lot of eggy farts into the car . eggs never agree with me . when i arrived at school i felt a rumble in my gut . thankfully i have an early class so not many students are at school . i trotted towards the most private bathrooms . when i made it i took a stall , pulled my pants down to my ankles and sat on the toilet i farted a lot in the toilet it echoed and smelt horrible . about some time passed and i pooped two firm poos and a blast of mushy poop on top of it . i felt so good i let a loud sigh . my stomach rumbled again . i grabbed the edges of the toilet seat and shot more mushy poop on top with rapid farts . i felt empty now . i wiggled my toes in my flip flops , got up , and wiped . as i was pulling up my pants i looked down at the toilet bowl . very mushy indeed and with closer inspection i saw some seeds in the poo . they looked like pomegranate seeds , after all i eat the seed too . i shook my head and flushed the toilet and headed to my class This happened earlier in the year but I saved it till today . So that morning I had a big breakfast of pancakes and felt really good heading into school . I needed a pee during 3rd period so I peed thought about trying to poop but didn 't want to waste time . At lunch I ate a sandwich which was really big ! So about 2 hours later we were all suiting up for the match and by this time my stomach hurt really bad but I didn 't have time to poop before the game ! ! I was one of the starting players so for the entire first half I was so close to pooping my pants ! At the half I immediately asked our coach to go the bathroom ! I went in and there were 6 stalls 2 were taken by girls from another team one was pooping the other just finished . So I quickly take the one by the girl pooping and lowerd my spandex to my knees . Io wasn 't wearing any undies because usually you don 't wear them with spandex . As I say down a barrage of farts and diareaha was let out ! I kept on trying to praise dog it but it all came out ! The girl next to me farted and started to wipe as I let out more diareaha . By this time the room smelled so bad ! As I felt a lot better I let out a few more farts and then started to wipe . As I was wiping another girl from our team came in to check on me and asked if I was ok , I told her yeah my stomach just really hurt as I pulled up my spandex . She decided to pee quickly as I washed my hands and said while peeing " dans Chloe you blew it up in here ! " I really did ! I returned In time for the half and played pretty well ! We won our game and after the game we all took showers which were right next to the bathrooms and apparently I wasn 't the only one with stomach troubles ! 6 girls from our team all had to poop after the game ! And we 're farting like crazy ! Well that 's my story hope you enjoyed ! Brandon T Yesterday I made several attempts too poop , but nothing worked . My rectum felt so full , but I just couldn 't push it out . This morning I was determined . I sat down on the toilet and immediately The turd began to poke out . I took a huge breath and bore down . But it wouldn 't move ! I did this about a dozen more times - screwed in up my face and clenching my fists while I strained like no tomorrow . I reached behind and felt my anus - and there was about an inch of rock hard poo sticking out . It was over two inches wide ! ! I leaned back and caught my breath while I figured out how I was gonna do this . Sitting on the toilet was uncomfortable - so I stood in a semi squat and just pushed like hell until my eyes watered . It stung and felt like my anus was being stretched to the max ! I used my fingers to push down on the sides on my anus and the spot below the tail bone . After nearly 90 minutes of this - I managed to get it out . Spent 20 minutes catching my breath after ! No fun . I was seeing a friend this weekend which was a 30 minute bus journey and then an hour on the train . By the time I reached the station I really needed a wee so I went to the toilets . They were really busy but I managed to take a stall near the end without waiting . I pulled down my leggings and underwear to my knees before sitting . Almost immediately I saw a shadow underneath the door , somebody was waiting for me . I struggle going at the best of the times so this was going to be interesting ! I took a deep breath and tried to concentrate , telling myself I 'd be able to do it , I 've done it before . I sat , and sat , and sat , unable to start my stream . I had let out a small dribble but nothing more . Even listening to the other girls wasn 't helping . I closed my eyes and focussed on nothing but peeing , if I gave up now I 'd just wet myself shortly after . After about 30 seconds of sitting on the toilet I let out another dribble , felt my body relax and then began a hissing stream . Sweet relief , it felt amazing finally going . I went for about 15 seconds before wiping and redressing , shyly exiting my stall . As I washed my hands I saw in the mirror I was bright red ! Shelbi It 's George from middle England . seem to have solved my posting problems , so back with a couple of my most early toilet orientated memories . I thought I had covered my early memories , but it 's surprising how visiting certain places can bring back other lostmemories . I attended in the 60s and 70s , adjacent infant and junior schools . Both were beautiful Victorian buildings , and a few years ago , were declared no longer fit for purpose , and have been sold to developers to be turned in to apartments . Well , I and a few others had a chance to visit recently , an I was amazed how little the buildings had changed in 40 years . When I started at the infant school , it had only just had indoor toilets built , and still had outdoor ones in the playground . . . in fact , the black concrete slab boys urinal still stands , built in to a wall today , 40 or so years after the rest of the outside building was demolished . I can remember standing there trying to pee on the flies that were always swarming there in summer . . . I walked through the assembly hall . . all of the classrooms surrounded this , and down the steps in to the new modern toilet block that lead to the playground . There was just one stall in the boys . . . . the door was pulled to but not locked , David was sitting on the toilet , shorts just pulled down far enough to perform . . . . I don 't remember if there was a poo aroma , but I doI remember him looking relieved as I passed him the paper . . . I don 't think we even said anything to each other . . . . and I didn 't hang about . This must have been the very first time I had ever seen anyone apart from a family member sitting on the toilet . To get to the boys toilet , or the playground also meant walking by the door to the girls toilet . I remember one day , it must have been during a play time , walking down the passage , just as a girl opened the door in to the girls . . . . dead opposite was a stall with the door wide open , and a girl from my class called Lesley was standing in front of the toilet , squatting over the pan . I had never seen a girl . . . only my mother using a toilet , and it was obvious that I had never forgotten the sight of Lesley . . . holding her pleated skirt high above her waist , and very clearly in full flow . . . . . she didn 't seem bothered that anyone could see her . . . . don 't suppose any of us were bothered when we were young kids . . . it 's only later that modesty kicks in . . . . . That 's all I can remember of the very early years , and it took that visit to my old school to bring out those memories . The following visit to the junior school bought one or two back , but I 'll leave those until next time . Shelbi I was seeing a friend this weekend which was a 30 minute bus journey and then an hour on the train . By the time I reached the station I really needed a wee so I went to the toilets . They were really busy but I managed to take a stall near the end without waiting . I pulled down my leggings and underwear to my knees before sitting . Almost immediately I saw a shadow underneath the door , somebody was waiting for me . I struggle going at the best of the times so this was going to be interesting ! I took a deep breath and tried to concentrate , telling myself I 'd be able to do it , I 've done it before . I sat , and sat , and sat , unable to start my stream . I had let out a small dribble but nothing more . Even listening to the other girls wasn 't helping . I closed my eyes and focussed on nothing but peeing , if I gave up now I 'd just wet myself shortly after . After about 30 seconds of sitting on the toilet I let out another dribble , felt my body relax and then began a hissing stream . Sweet relief , it felt amazing finally going . I went for about 15 seconds before wiping and redressing , shyly exiting my stall . As I washed my hands I saw in the mirror I was bright red ! Shelbi Hi , today at school we were running a mile in gym . While I was running my mile i felt a huge urge , because I actually haven 't gone in about 4 days or so . I finished my mile , and I asked my gym teacher if I could go , she said it was alright . I walked to the port - a - potty at the end of the track . I walked in locked the door and the bathroom was surprisingly clean . I pulled down my shorts and pink undies and sat down . A person came up into the potty next to me and then a few more people and after i think all 7 potties were taken . I let out a few little farts , i had pushed really hard and a log fell in . Somebody knocked on the door and said to come out , i told them to wait . And she asked if I was peeing or pooping . I told them I was pooping . I grunted very loudly and 3 18 " logs fell in i wiped pulled up my pink undies and shorts and left . Bye everybody , Abby C xoxoxoxoxo Next page : Old Posts page 2427 >< Previous page : 2429 Back to the Toilet ToiletStool . com , " Boldly bringing . com to your bodily functions . " Go to Page . . . Forum Survey |
Nick and Nissa went back to Friendship . The moment they got to Nissa 's house , they unpacked the car . Then decided to grab some lunch . As they were eating , Nick got a call from his manager . " I have been with my girlfriend , her father passed away and she let me be here with her . Why do you have your panties in a bunch ? " Nissa giggled when he told Travis that . " OK . Let them know I 'm in . I 'll be there . " Nick and Travis hang up . Nick goes back to his lunch with Nissa . " Nicky , I 'll be fine . Backstreet Boys have been your life . And it comes before me . You have to do this for them . The fans . " " OK baby . " Nick and Nissa spent the whole day at the house watching movies in front of the fireplace . They fell asleep on the couch . Nissa was laying on him . With her head nuzzled in his neck . He had wrapped his arms around so she wouldn 't fall off . She woke up , when she realized that the fire had died down and the sun was up . She decided to make him breakfast . This was the first time she had Sunday morning breakfast with anyone in a long time . Nick was woken up by the smell of bacon and toast . When he walked into the kitchen , Nissa had a whole breakfast spread . " Good Morning , Gummy Bear . " Nissa looked up from the stove and saw Nick , standing in the door way with his hair going in all directions , and rubbing his eyes . He reminded her of a little boy waking up too soon from his nap . She just thought he was too adorable . " Good Morning baby boy . " She skipped to him and wrapped her arms around his waist . He hugged her back and gave her a kiss on her head . " I made you breakfast . I tried to keep it as healthy as I could . " She proudly told him . " I 'll miss you too baby . We can text , call , video chat . I can fly out here and you can fly out there too . I 'll make sure that I stay in contact . " " I will do the same . " They got done with breakfast . Nick got everything ready . Then they headed out to the airport . They talked all the way there . They arrived to the departures area . Nissa parked and they both got out of the car . Nick opened the back seat door and took his suitcase out and set it down . Nissa went around to him . Nick gave her a hug . When he let go , Nissa got sad and put her head down so that Nick couldn 't see . " Gummy bear , don 't be sad . " He lifted her chin up and kissed her lips . " You 'll see , we will be together sooner than you think . " " Ok Baby … Bye Bye . " He went on his way . Nissa got in her car . As she was getting in she noticed that they were being photographed . She walked over to him but he ran . " Fuck ! ! ! ! ! That 's just great . Now what ? " Nissa drove home . When she got out , there was a reporter hiding in her bushes . The reporter approached her . " Fuck off ! ! I think you got enough today . " The reporter left . Nissa got in her house . She laid in bed thinking about the time she had spent with Nick . She couldn 't believe that she was dating him . But of course she knew that she needed to keep it on the down low . At least until Nick decided to release that information . She fell asleep . " Yes daddy , I am . " Jeff walked her to the altar . The whole time she was looking at the groom . He was facing to the front . When Jeff and Nissa got to the front , the groom slowly turned to face them . But as soon as he did Nissa was woken up by someone sitting on her bed . When she realized who it was , she started crying . " Yes he is just amazing . He was there through the whole ordeal . Including paparazzi coming after me . Which is not gonna stop . So I hope you are ready to hang out with a celebrity . " " OK " Nissa got dressed . And they headed to Coffee reams . They were greeted by Mark and the girl that replaced Nissa , when she took her leave of absence . " Hey girls . It 's been a while since I 've seen you together . Nissa , I 'm so sorry about your dad 's passing . How are you holding up ? " " He 's great . He made sure I was alright . He stayed with me in the room . When he woke up he was so beautiful . Remember all those pictures where they are going for the just - rolled - out - of - bed look ? " " Thank you . " Sophie and Nissa headed out to the beach . Summer was ending and fall weather was upon them once more . They sat and caught up with each other . Nissa 's phone rang . " OK sweet girl . " They hung up . Nissa looked towards the top of the rocks and noticed a photographer snapping pictures in their direction . Nissa and Sophie left the beach . No matter where they went they were being followed by the media . So they decided to go back to Nissa 's place . They hung out for another couple of hours . They say and drank tea . Sophie saw it was getting late . " Definitely " Sophie went home . Nissa took a shower . After she got dressed , she went downstairs to lock up . When she went back upstairs . She walked by Jeff 's room . She went in . A wave of sadness and anger came over her . She burst in tears . " Oh daddy , it feels like you 're on one of those long trips and that you 'll be back . But in reality this time you won 't be back . God , I miss you so much . " Nissa closed the door behind her and went back in her room . She fired up her laptop and as soon as she opened her browser , she was bombarded by pictures and articles about her mom and dad . The money she stood to inherit from both of them . All the pictures taken today at the airport , beach , and everywhere else . And of course all the rumors that she was fucking Nick for his money . At that moment she wished the internet didn 't exist at all . She shut everything down . She laid in bed . She fell asleep wondering what Nick was up to … " Nacho , what are you doing ? " Nacho climbed on his lap and looked at Nick with a sympathetic stare . " What ? I 'm Fine . " Nacho whimpered as he laid his head on Nick 's knee . " Fine you caught me . " Nacho lifted his head and started panting and wagging his knobby tail as if to say ' Spill the beans , Carter ' . Nick sighed , " It 's Nissa . I think I 'm falling fast and hard for her . " Nick decided he needed some distraction . So he called his best friend , Jake . " OK , I 'll see you there . " Nick took a shower and got dressed . He headed out . When he got there , Jake was waiting for him . When they got in , they went straight to the VIP room . They were greeted by two girls that always hung out with them at the clubs . The red - head , whose name was Jessica , sat on Nick 's lap . The brunette was Heather , and she sat on Jake 's lap . " I 'm sorry baby , I 'm here now . " Nissa crept into his mind . He wished that Red was her . He was fighting his conscience . " Yes I 'm alright . " She continued kissing his cheek , and jaw line . Devil Nick was chuckling and teasing angel Nick . Because he saw that Nick was gonna follow his advice . Nick kissed her lips . Then her Neck . And just as he was kissing his way to her breast , he stopped abruptly . " OK then . " Jake went back to his brunette . Red joined them . Nick got in his car and dialed Nissa . He was feeling guilty because he knew he shouldn 't have even let Red sit on his lap . And he could imagine what would 've happened if Nissa found out . " Not much . I was at a party with Jake . I wasn 't feeling it . So I left . Now I 'm headed to the studio . " " Good night . " They hung up . Nick headed to the studio as originally planned . He got into the vocal booth and laid down the vocals to that song he was working on . He spent 2 hours doing so . When he was done he played back the track . He soon realized that he was singing about Nissa . He continued working on it . Before he knew it , it was almost daytime . " Shit , I have a meeting in an hour . " He went home and got ready . Then met up with management for that meeting . They all agreed on going forward with the reunion tour . He couldn 't wait to call Nissa and tell her . Nissa woke up later than usual . The sun was bright . It was 63 degrees according to the local news . She went to the kitchen to have breakfast . Her doorbell rang . " He 's good . He 's about to be promoted . If he does he 'll have to go overseas to take care of that end of the company . " " Yes but we haven 't told anyone yet . You know it 's really crazy but I 'm already being hounded by the media because of mom . I couldn 't possibly imagine how it 's gonna be when the world finds out that ' man - whore ' Nick Carter is going steady with me . " " He seems to be . Anyway , Nissa I better get going . I just wanted to make sure you 're alright . Please keep in touch . " Norma told Nissa as she hugged her . " That 's understandable . I 'm calling because I need you to come in so we can discuss your father 's will . I also need Eric and Nick to be present too . But I will call them to let them know . " " Not much . Norma came to visit . She told me that Eric is getting a promotion . And if he does he 's gonna be traveling all over the world . " " No , of course not . They can 't get over the fact that you were here with me . And they also know that the will reading is coming up so they have to be ready for that . " " Of course . Your mom was famous . And your dad being a celebrity attorney was famous himself . You being their daughter makes you famous too . They left you alone when you were little because your parents protected you . Now you are older and they will harass you more . Another thing that will contribute to that is the fact that you and me are dating . " " I know . " They talked for another hour . About how much they missed each other . About details of a tour . And how they would spend time with each other while he 's off on tour . That week flew fast . She was nervous about the will reading but at the same time she wanted it to be over . She got ready , then headed out . Eric and Nick were gonna meet up over there . She was also looking forward to seeing Nick . She arrived and she saw Eric and Nick were already waiting in the waiting room . " Don 't be . There 's nothing to be nervous about . " Just then Jolene came out to greet them . She introduced herself to the boys and led all three of them to her office . " So we all know why we are here . We are here to execute Jeff Hernandez ' z will . These are his final wishes . So if we are all ready , let 's begin . " Nissa , Eric , and Nick gave their OK 's . " I will hand each one of you a letter that Jeff wrote for you guys . Then afterwards , I will distribute what belongs to you . " Jolene handed them a letter . If you are reading this , it means that I 'm not there . I wish that it didn 't have to be this way . But only God knows why he did it . I know that you probably miss me but I want you to know that I am alright and that I want you to live your life to the fullest . I don 't want you to regret anything you do . I want you to be proud of everything you do . Never forget that no matter what your mother and I will always be proud of you . Never forget it . I love you with all my heart . Ever since you were a little boy , I 've always seen you as a son . And it was all because I saw you grow up . I had always felt that connection with you . So when Norma told us the ' SECRET ' I was extremely happy . It just gave me another reason to love you more . I 'm proud of the man you have become . I just wish that I could 've spend more time with you as your father . Please look after your sister . Nissa looked over at Eric and saw that he had a tear running down his cheek . She hugged him . Nissa knew that whatever her dad had written in Eric 's letter had touched him . She then looked at Nick . He was reading his note . I 've only known you briefly . But seeing how you 've been with Nissa , and seeing the way she acts when she talks with or about you , makes me wonder if there 's something there . And then I realized that you guys are meant to be . I mean I 'm not a matchmaker , but I can see the spark between you . Just make sure that you don 't hurt her , she is very delicate . And I don 't know how much more heartbreak she could take . Love her like crazy . And I know that she will love you more . " I will start with Eric . This is what it says . I give Eric 50 % of all my estate . To Nissa , I give her the other 50 % . It 's only fair that I split everything in half . And last but not least , Nick . I give Nick my wedding band and Jazmine 's engagement ring and band . Make her happy . " Nissa was shocked to hear that Nick got the rings . She did not like that decision . But before she could object Jolene continued . " Ok now I can tell you guys what your 50 % consists of . You guys get $ 15 million each . The house was your mother 's so Nissa , you get the house . Which I have to speak to you about your mother 's will . " " Right after this meeting is fine . My next appointment is not for a while so I have the time . Now is there any questions about this will ? " " OK bro . " Nick shook Jolene 's hand and turned to Nissa for a kiss . She turned her face . He kissed her cheek . Nick knew that she was very upset about the rings . But he knew that he had to give her some space . So he left . Jolene continued with Nissa . " OK Nissa , your father included in his will , that you are the executor to Jazmine Sohma 's estate now . That includes her $ 23 Billion . The house , and all the royalties from her books . " " Well that 's why I 'm here . As long as you let me , I will be here to help you with anything you need . I 've been your parents ' attorney since your mom decided to publish her stuff . " " You 're very welcome honey . " Nissa left Jolene 's office . Then she headed to Coffee Dreams . She walked in straight to the counter . Not seeing anyone . She was in her own little world . Once she ordered she sat down in her favorite corner . Noticing that at the other corner was Nick . She wasn 't sure if she could deal with him . So she just sat there . Nick decided that it was a perfect time to speak to her . He could corner her and she couldn 't wiggle her way out of it . " Yes , I know how much they mean to you . And no … I 'm not giving them to anyone except its rightful owner . When the time is right . " " Nissa , baby I 'm not trying to hurt you . It 's not my intention . But your father wanted this and I think that you should be happy that I 'm honoring your father 's wishes . " Nissa was so upset at that . But she knew that he was right . No other man would take the time to do so . But Nissa being as stubborn as she is , wasn 't gonna budge . Nick couldn 't believe that she said she expected him to hurt her . " I can 't believe you would say that . I can 't believe that you anticipated me hurting you . I think that 's shitty . " " Nissa , I 'm not hurting you . Yes I do understand I have your mother 's rings . Just let it go because you are not getting them . " Nissa got up and walked away . Nick was so frustrated . He didn 't know what to do . He got up and chased after her . He caught up to her and grabbed her arm . " Nissa , wait . " " Look I want you to know that , you 're a part of my life now . If I lose you … " He looked at her . He sighed and just walked away . Nissa saw sadness in his eyes . She got in her car and headed home . Sophie showed up a couple of minutes after Nissa got home . " I know but I 'm just so mad right now . I guess I 'll be alright when I get over it . " Sophie left after a while . Nissa was cleaning . She had the music in her iPhone on shuffle . All of the sudden ' Don 't Walk Away ' came on . She was listening to the words and felt like he was singing it directly to her . She couldn 't help but miss him . She dialed him . " Of course , Gummy Bear . I 'll be right over . " Nick made his way to Nissa 's place . The moment Nissa opened the door , she threw herself on him . And started crying . " Baby girl , don 't worry . It 's gonna be alright . " " I was also thinking about getting back to my site . I 'm pretty sure that my little bit of fans are missing me . Or at least I need to update the blog . " They continued talking for the next 9 months over the phone , text , and Facetime . The boys had finished their album . Nissa began working on her site . She finally got it looking like she wanted it . So she continued on her fan fiction . In those 9 months she acquired a couple thousand more fans . She was really happy . The Boys were getting ready to tour . One month before they were set to travel to New York to kick off their Reunion tour , Nick called Nissa . " The first show is in New York City in exactly 1 month . I thought maybe you could meet me in New York City . I 'll pay for everything . You could take a train or a bus . But I think it 'll be faster if you fly down . " " Yeah . All you need to bring with you is clothes , your laptop , all your forms of identification , and your passport . Everything else that you might need , I 'll take care of . " " Thank you , baby boy . " That month went by really slow . Nissa got ready . Got everything settled at the house . Eric agreed to take her to the airport because he was leaving that same day for his job . He had taken that promotion . So he was flying to Japan . Nick picked her up at the airport . She ran to him . He picked her up and spun her around as he was kissing her . There was some celebrity photographers snapping away . They missed each other so much that they didn 't care if their secret was revealed . They walked out of the airport being photographed . " It 's being taken care of by a friend . And it wasn 't my dad 's house . It was my mother 's ! " They made it out of the airport . They finally made it to his bus . When Nissa saw it , she was in amaze . She dreamed of stepping on his bus . But she never dreamed that she would , as his girlfriend . " Yes I did . But I never thought that I would be on your bus as your girlfriend . " Nick laughed . They got settled in . Then both Nick and Nissa went to sound check . There , she met the rest of the Boys . " It 's really nice to meet you . " Kevin said . Nissa was in awe at how down to earth they all were . Nissa stepped back and let the Boys do their thing . Once they were down , Nissa got back to the bus . Nick had to talk to the Boys about an idea for VIP 's . He then got back to the bus . " I loved it . Definitely looking forward to the show . Oh and stop with the very sexy moves , you 're gonna give these girls a heart attack ! " She giggled as she gave him a peck on his lips . He licked his lips to taste hers . Nick got ready for the show . They went to the venue . " Baby girl , there 's no point on getting on unless it 's to promote something because they will eat you alive . I 've learned to deal with it . I know it 's all new to you . It 'll get easier . " " I know . It 's not as bad as I thought it would be . I see that the supporters are defending us against the nay sayers . I was even called a vampiric leech . What ever that is . " Nick laughed . He loved the faces Nissa made when she was puzzled . " You 're right . " They laid down to sleep . The next several months , it was getting real to the fans that Nick and Nissa were an item and that they were getting stronger . So the fans that were against it went into a frenzy on all social medias . They were calling her ' fat bitch ' , ' gold digger ' , they even threw in a ' devil ' and ' satan ' . Nissa was having a hard time dealing with the unwanted attention . But she dealt with it the best she could . She made the effort to mingle with them despite the negativity . And Nick appreciated that . At the same time , Nick and Nissa 's coliving experience was blossoming . They spent as much time together but if Nick needed time to himself , Nissa would give him his space . Nick did the same thing . He never thought that living with someone was this easy , especially because she was a girl . " Well , it 's been easy . She gives me my space , and I give her hers . I respect her and she respects me . At night , she lays her head on my chest and she relaxes me so much that I 'm actually sleeping well . When I 'm apart from her , I can 't wait to see her … " " If it 's not , then it means you 're in love . Holy Shit my BFF is in love . " Jake teased him . At that moment Nissa walked on the bus . Travis ' wife had dropped her off . " Make yourself at home . Whatever you need , don 't hesitate to ask . " Nick knowing how Jake was , and how he would take advantage of that welcome , had to clear that . " Baby girl , it 's alright . He knows his way around . Don 't you , J ? " Nick gave him the ' I 'm one step ahead of you ' look . " Oh Ok . Well I 'm going to go pay my bills . I 'll be in the back . " She kissed his lips . " I " she kissed him , " Missed " , another kiss , " You " . He smiled everytime her lips would touch his . She went to the back . And left the boys alone . " Dude , I came out here for a change of pace . Every year I go out partying and I end up with the biggest hangover , a forgotten night and strange women in my bed . I wanted to have a relaxed birthday this year . " " Really ? I never thought I 'd see the day … " Nick said as he was walking to the back of the bus to get his laptop . He walked into the back room . He found Nissa sitting in the middle of the bed . She was buried in bills . Her laptop in front of her . The moment Nick walked in , she looked up at him and grinned . " No baby . I got this . I 'm just still trying to get use to doing this . Up until dad passed away , he was the one taking care of this . " " Are you even in love with her ? Or is this one of your mid - life crises ? " Nick thought about what Jake just asked him . He was in love with Nissa but he just didn 't know how or when to tell her that . He never thought he 'd ever have to tell a girl that he loved her . " Most of them are supporting us . They agree that Nick should already settle down . Which is funny because I don 't see it happening with me … " " No . And I totally get it . He 's been a bachelor for so long . He 's never gotten this close to a girl . That 's why I 'm not pushing the issue like other girls would . I want him to do things on his own terms . " " I don 't know . I guess he doesn 't want any . And I don 't want to seem like a slut by initiating anything . " " Ok , I 'm going to give you an exercise . Because you need to get over that . He 's a man . And no man can go this long without sex . But first do you want to do this ? " " Nissa , relax " She told Nissa after hearing panic in her voice . " Kiss his lips . Then trail your way to his neck , jaw line , ears , chest … well the possibilities are endless ! " " I will " They talked for a couple more minutes . Then Nissa went back to the bills . When she finished them it was almost 2 in the morning . She went out to the front to grab something quick to eat . " Ok baby boy . " She grabbed an apple . She then kissed him and went back to the back . Half an hour later Nick and Jake finished up the game and logged off . Jake laid down on the couch in the front of the bus . Nick went to his room in the back . Nissa was laying there watching a documentary on Sea Horses . " Come here " She raised her arms at him . He laid on the bed with his head on her lap . She started running her fingers through his hair and rubbing his head . Nick always found that soothing . She leaned forward and kissed him . He looked up at her . " Oh nothing , except that I 'm happy with you too . " She kissed him again , nibbling on his lip . She could tell he was really into it . Still kissing him , she got on her knees and wrapped her arms around his neck . He pulled her closer to him . She couldn 't get enough of him . She put her hands on either side of his face . " MMMMMM … Nissa " Nissa straddled him . She looked down into his eyes . She could see desire in them . That was her cue . She traced his jaw line with kisses and worked her way down to his neck . She nibbled on his neck . He moaned . He unfastened her bra snap . He pulled her shirt off and kissed her chest . He made his way down to her nipple , teasing her with his tongue . Then he kissed his way to her other tit and teased her nipple again . Nissa didn 't know how to take that new sensation . She giggled . " What 's the matter ? " " You 're beautiful . You know that ? " Nissa smiled at him and kissed him . She then got off of him and took his shirt off . Pushing him back . She straddled him once more . She kissed his neck , making her way down to his Adam 's apple . She then worked her way down to his chest . Nick moaned . She continued her way down to his stomach . She could feel him tense up from excitement . She unbuckled his belt and unbuttoned his jeans . " Baby girl , we don 't have to do this if you are not ready . " " I 'm ready baby . I want to make love to you right now . " Nick moaned again . She pulled off his jeans and underwear . She began to stroke his dick . He wasn 't expecting that . The harder he got the more frisky she got with him . She surprised him by sticking him in her mouth . She teased his head with her tongue . She could tell he was dying of anticipation . His moans turned into quiet grunts . She sucked his dick until his legs were getting restless . He flipped her on her back . She giggled . He kissed her lips . She placed her hands in his hair as he kissed his way to her chest . He squeezed her tit while he sucked on her nipple . She tugged on his hair . He smiled while making eye contact with her . He had a devilish look in his eyes . He kissed his way down to her pelvic area . Nick pulled her shorts off . Leaving her boyshorts on . " No . " She grinned . He kissed her pelvic area . She felt a chill . He kissed her pussy over her underwear . She inhaled then moaned . She couldn 't comprehend the intensity of this feeling . Nick was pleased to know that she was feeling good . " Baby boy stop teasing me . " She told him between breaths . He slipped her boyshorts off . Spread her legs apart . He teased her a little more by kissing on her pussy . She sighed out of pleasure . He began to eat her out . He stroke her clit with his tongue , sending her into a frenzy of mixed feelings and emotions . " Oooh Nick , that feels amazing ! " She moaned loudly . She was still tugging at his hair . Nick knew that if he didn 't stop she would 've cummed at any moment . So he stopped . He kissed his way back up to her chin . And kissed her lips . " Mmmmm baby you taste so good . " That got Nissa wondering what she tasted like . But soon enough she pushed any thoughts like that out of her mind . Right now it was the moment . The moment that belonged to Nick and nothing else . She was so turned on , she couldn 't take no more of his teasing . " Do you have a condom baby ? " He took one out of his nightstand drawer . Nissa took it out of his hand and flipped him on his back . She took it out of it 's wrapper and slipped it on him . Nick watched every move Nissa made , exciting him even more . She slowly lowered herself on his dick . Nick feeling her tight pussy slipping on him , moaned . " It 's normal baby girl . Since it 's your first time . It 's just my penis stretching you . And don 't be surprised if you do bleed a little bit . It 's all normal . Now if it gets really uncomfortable let me know and we will stop . " " Ok " The stinging stopped . Nissa began to ride him . Grinding on his dick . Nick placed his hands on her hips . She placed hers on his chest . Everytime he would hit the right spot she would dig her nails into his chest . Leaving scratch marks on him . He could feel her pussy walls swelling around his throbbing cock . His loud moaning turned into loud grunting . Nissa rode him faster . By the look on his face and the grip he had on her hips , she knew he was about to blow . He sat up and thrusted harder in her . She threw her arms over his shoulders and the more he thrusted , the harder it was for her to contain her hard breathing and moaning . She was scratching on his back . Leaving more marks . Nick thrusted one more time and that touched her special spot . " Oh , Oh my god . Niick , oh fuck … ! " She shouted his name . She continued grinding on Nick . When she came back from all that intensified sensation , she leaned on Nick and whispered in his ear , " I love you ! " and nibbled on it . That drove Nick crazy , and he blew . He grunted as he thrusted once more . He held on to her while he recuperated from the intense orgasm . Nissa kissed him . She was still straddling him . Her arms around his neck . Nick was trying to catch his breath . She kept kissing his forehead , his cheeks , his lips , and his chin . She would nibble on his earlobes . He laid down . With Nissa still sitting on him . He was admiring her . He couldn 't believe that such an amazing girl would want to be with an old man like him . Let alone , make love to him that intensely . Nissa got off of him . She then took the condom off of him and cleaned him up . She laid next to him . Laying her head on his chest . " I promise you I was a virgin . You are my first and I 'm glad it 's you . " They kissed . " I love you . " She whispered . He didn 't answer back . Nissa didn 't think anything of it . She fell asleep first . " I love you too gummy bear . I just don 't know how to tell you . I guess I 'm too chicken shit to do so . I will get there . " He fell asleep soon after . Nissa woke up the next day . Nick wasn 't in bed . They had arrived at the next destination on the tour . Nick was sitting in the front of the bus with Jake and Travis . " Nothing . Just running through my day 's activity . And discussing the fact that the tour is almost over . And I want to work on a solo project . " " That sounds great . " They had 3 more shows to do before the tour was over . Several nights later , Nick got on the bus after the show , Nissa noticed that he was melancholy . " Are you sure ? You are not yourself . " He was sitting on his couch at the front of the bus . He was watching a movie . But Nissa saw that there was no interest in the movie whatsoever . The bus was in motion . They hit a big bump and she fell in his lap . " Ha that 's exactly what I intended to do . " She laughed . " Now tell me what 's wrong ? " " Well we 've been on tour for most of this year . Usually , I 'm by myself , but this time you were here . I got used to having you here . Now when we go back home , you go back to Maine and I go back to Malibu … " " I know , I guess we will be ok . " The closer the last day of the tour got closer the angrier Nick was getting . He began to pick unnecessary fights with anyone who came in his path . Including Nissa ! They had arrived at Malibu . They were cleaning out the bus . " I 'm sorry . It 's a good thing this tour is over , you won 't have to deal with me and my fucking shoes again huh ! ? " Deep down inside he wasn 't mad at her for that . He was taking his anger towards himself on her . He was frustrated because there was so much he wanted to tell her , but he was such a coward to tell her . So as usual he began to push her away . That was his defense mechanism . He looked at her as she was packing her things up and he could see a tear running down her cheek . He felt so bad , but he was so hard headed to do anything about it . They get everything done . Jake had Nick 's car waiting for him . All three of them got in . They rode in silence . Nick kept looking at Nissa in the rearview mirror . She was in the back seat , in deep thought . They headed straight to the airport . Her flight left in less than 2 hours . Once they arrived , Nick and Nissa got out . He grabbed her suitcase out of the trunk . He set it down . He immediately wrapped his arms around her . " I love you too baby girl . " He said after she walked through the doors . He got in the car . " God Damn it ! " He punched the steering wheel . Jake looked at him in shock . He had never seen Nick act like that . " I fucked up really bad . " " Jake it 's not that . I 've been this way so long and then this girl comes along and makes me feel different . So because I 'm so use to being the way I was , I can 't express to her my true feelings . Because of it , I mistreated her and now she went back home . Mad at me ! " " You 're probably right . " Although Jake was right for the first time in his life . Nick still felt panic running through him . For the first time in his life he had a positive motivation . He dropped Jake at his place . Nick headed out to the Sports Bar and Grill near his place . He grabbed some lunch . " You 're right . She is very special . We 've known each other for almost 7 years . We just got serious about a year ago . And I still haven 't been able to tell her how I feel . " " There 's nothing going on . Nick and I are dating . Nothing more . " She finally got in the house . Felt an empty house . She was so use to arriving somewhere and there was Nick or anyone else . She felt alone . She wanted to call him but she was being hard headed . She decided she was gonna take a nap and then unpack her stuff . Nick made it home with Nacho . To an empty house as well . He was used to being received by Nissa . He began to miss her like crazy . He then got a phone call from AJ . " What 's the matter boy ? " Nacho moaned and laid his head on a plush burger that Nissa had bought him . " I know . I miss her too . And the longer we are apart , I don 't know … " Nacho perked up . To his understanding , Nick was finally gonna admit what he wanted . Nick walked away . Nacho whimpered in disappointment . Nick came back to Nacho , with his phone . He snapped a picture of him with the burger and put it on Instagram . Captioning it ' He misses Nissa . ' Several hours later he got ready and headed out to meet up with AJ . He got there at the same time as AJ . " I 'm just frustrated because , I 'm feeling things that I never thought I would feel . And I 'm a pussy . I can 't find the words or moment to tell her exactly how I feel . " " Sometimes you need to just tell her . Don 't think about it . Just spit it out , no matter how it comes out . Has she told you that she loves you ? " " I showed her how I felt and I mistreated her . I feel like a monster . I was sad that the tour was over and she had to go home and I had to go home , so instead of dealing with it , that last week of the tour I was angry . I mistreated several people including her . I told her I was sorry but she 's still upset at me . " " I hope so , because I would hate to lose her . " They ate and chatted it up . But the whole time he was there , Nick 's heart was in Maine . He wanted to call her but he refrained from doing it . He went on for the next weeks . They would talk on the phone . She was warming up to him again . She was having Nick withdrawals . Just as he was having Nissa withdrawals . There were rumors going around that they had broken up . Neither one addressed the issue . She decided to write the book about her mother . About being her daughter and the events after her death . And just as she was getting into writing the storyboard , her phone rang . " Well I was contacted by The Hollywood Chamber of Commerce . They are inducting your mother into the Walk of Fame . Now they wanted to know if you would go to accept it . " " Good . By the way , I 'm glad that you called because I 'm planning to write a book and I 'm new to all this . So I need help . " " Of course . Is there a number he can reach you ? " Nissa gave the receptionist her number . As soon as she hung up with them , Carlos called her back . " Yes I am . But first I have to promote the event for the fans . Also I must tell you that this will create more media attention for you so you need to prepare yourself to be stalked , followed , photographed , etc . " " If you have any questions , doubts , or anything don 't hesitate to call me . " He gave her his cell number . " That 's my cell number . See you then . " " Not much . Just got the most awesomest news in the whole world . " Nick giggled . He knew it was excellent news if she was saying ' awesomest ' . " Me either baby girl . " They hung up . That whole week Nissa was struggling to find the words that she needed for the speech . No matter what she did or where she 'd go , she couldn 't find inspiration . Realizing that the day was getting closer she decided to head back to Springfield . Hoping she 'd find the inspiration she was seeking . She got to Springfield . She then headed to her parents grave site . She wanted to leave flowers . It had been almost year since she was there . She put the flowers down and sat between them . " Hey mom and dad . A lot has happened since I last saw you . Eric went off to run the company he works for overseas . Norma moved to Dallas with Patsy . Backstreet Boys made a reunion album and went on a tour for it . I went along with Nick and I had the best time in the world . We got to know each other a little more . We are still getting to know each other . And working the long distance relationship . At the end of the week I get to fly out there . It 's all because mom , you are finally getting a star in the Hollywood Walk of Fame . So they have asked me to accept it for you . I also have to give a speech . But I don 't have any inspiration for the perfect words . That 's why a couple of days shy of the ceremony ; I came down looking for inspiration . I will make you proud . I promise you that . " She sat there for several hours . She typed away at her laptop . She was so inspired that she lost track of time . The sun was hitting her in the face when she realized that it was almost sundown . She checked her phone to see what time it was and saw that she had several text messages from Nick . She called him up . " I 'm fine . I just didn 't have inspiration to write the speech so I came to see them . I 'm actually almost done . " " Great , I can 't wait to have you in my arms ! " Nissa giggled . She couldn 't wait to be near him either . She got in her car and headed back to Maine . She would have been getting there around midnight . " Nissa , I 'm begging you . Don 't drive please . Rent a hotel room and get some sleep . You can fly in tomorrow night . You have time . " " I know baby . I 'll be fine . " Hesitantly he hung up with her . Nissa headed to Maine . 2 Hours later she noticed that she was kind of drowsy . The 3 RedBulls she had downed were not affecting her anymore . She blasted some music and it seemed to be helping . All of the sudden she fell completely asleep . The car swerved to the left and it fell into a ditch , crashing sideways into a tree . Nissa hit her head with the window , breaking it . The seat belt had stopped her from going out the windshield . She was unconscious . Several drivers that were driving behind her had stopped to help . The car was smoking heavily , they knew if they didn 't get her out she was gonna be lost in a fire . They called 911 to report the accident . The state patrol and firefighters responded immediately . They fought against time to get her out but she was in a unreachable position . Until one of the fire fighters decided to get in through the passenger side and cut her seat belt . With the help of the others they were able to pull her out . She was still not responding . By the time she was pulled out the ambulance had arrived . She was immediately transported to the nearest hospital . All that time Nick was sitting in his living room with the worst feeling he could ever have . He called her several times because he knew she should have been home . She wouldn 't answer . All he could do is wait for her call . And just when he was about to call the Friendship police department , his phone rang … |
Nick and Nissa went back to Friendship . The moment they got to Nissa 's house , they unpacked the car . Then decided to grab some lunch . As they were eating , Nick got a call from his manager . " I have been with my girlfriend , her father passed away and she let me be here with her . Why do you have your panties in a bunch ? " Nissa giggled when he told Travis that . " OK . Let them know I 'm in . I 'll be there . " Nick and Travis hang up . Nick goes back to his lunch with Nissa . " Nicky , I 'll be fine . Backstreet Boys have been your life . And it comes before me . You have to do this for them . The fans . " " OK baby . " Nick and Nissa spent the whole day at the house watching movies in front of the fireplace . They fell asleep on the couch . Nissa was laying on him . With her head nuzzled in his neck . He had wrapped his arms around so she wouldn 't fall off . She woke up , when she realized that the fire had died down and the sun was up . She decided to make him breakfast . This was the first time she had Sunday morning breakfast with anyone in a long time . Nick was woken up by the smell of bacon and toast . When he walked into the kitchen , Nissa had a whole breakfast spread . " Good Morning , Gummy Bear . " Nissa looked up from the stove and saw Nick , standing in the door way with his hair going in all directions , and rubbing his eyes . He reminded her of a little boy waking up too soon from his nap . She just thought he was too adorable . " Good Morning baby boy . " She skipped to him and wrapped her arms around his waist . He hugged her back and gave her a kiss on her head . " I made you breakfast . I tried to keep it as healthy as I could . " She proudly told him . " I 'll miss you too baby . We can text , call , video chat . I can fly out here and you can fly out there too . I 'll make sure that I stay in contact . " " I will do the same . " They got done with breakfast . Nick got everything ready . Then they headed out to the airport . They talked all the way there . They arrived to the departures area . Nissa parked and they both got out of the car . Nick opened the back seat door and took his suitcase out and set it down . Nissa went around to him . Nick gave her a hug . When he let go , Nissa got sad and put her head down so that Nick couldn 't see . " Gummy bear , don 't be sad . " He lifted her chin up and kissed her lips . " You 'll see , we will be together sooner than you think . " " Ok Baby … Bye Bye . " He went on his way . Nissa got in her car . As she was getting in she noticed that they were being photographed . She walked over to him but he ran . " Fuck ! ! ! ! ! That 's just great . Now what ? " Nissa drove home . When she got out , there was a reporter hiding in her bushes . The reporter approached her . " Fuck off ! ! I think you got enough today . " The reporter left . Nissa got in her house . She laid in bed thinking about the time she had spent with Nick . She couldn 't believe that she was dating him . But of course she knew that she needed to keep it on the down low . At least until Nick decided to release that information . She fell asleep . " Yes daddy , I am . " Jeff walked her to the altar . The whole time she was looking at the groom . He was facing to the front . When Jeff and Nissa got to the front , the groom slowly turned to face them . But as soon as he did Nissa was woken up by someone sitting on her bed . When she realized who it was , she started crying . " Yes he is just amazing . He was there through the whole ordeal . Including paparazzi coming after me . Which is not gonna stop . So I hope you are ready to hang out with a celebrity . " " OK " Nissa got dressed . And they headed to Coffee reams . They were greeted by Mark and the girl that replaced Nissa , when she took her leave of absence . " Hey girls . It 's been a while since I 've seen you together . Nissa , I 'm so sorry about your dad 's passing . How are you holding up ? " " He 's great . He made sure I was alright . He stayed with me in the room . When he woke up he was so beautiful . Remember all those pictures where they are going for the just - rolled - out - of - bed look ? " " Thank you . " Sophie and Nissa headed out to the beach . Summer was ending and fall weather was upon them once more . They sat and caught up with each other . Nissa 's phone rang . " OK sweet girl . " They hung up . Nissa looked towards the top of the rocks and noticed a photographer snapping pictures in their direction . Nissa and Sophie left the beach . No matter where they went they were being followed by the media . So they decided to go back to Nissa 's place . They hung out for another couple of hours . They say and drank tea . Sophie saw it was getting late . " Definitely " Sophie went home . Nissa took a shower . After she got dressed , she went downstairs to lock up . When she went back upstairs . She walked by Jeff 's room . She went in . A wave of sadness and anger came over her . She burst in tears . " Oh daddy , it feels like you 're on one of those long trips and that you 'll be back . But in reality this time you won 't be back . God , I miss you so much . " Nissa closed the door behind her and went back in her room . She fired up her laptop and as soon as she opened her browser , she was bombarded by pictures and articles about her mom and dad . The money she stood to inherit from both of them . All the pictures taken today at the airport , beach , and everywhere else . And of course all the rumors that she was fucking Nick for his money . At that moment she wished the internet didn 't exist at all . She shut everything down . She laid in bed . She fell asleep wondering what Nick was up to … " Nacho , what are you doing ? " Nacho climbed on his lap and looked at Nick with a sympathetic stare . " What ? I 'm Fine . " Nacho whimpered as he laid his head on Nick 's knee . " Fine you caught me . " Nacho lifted his head and started panting and wagging his knobby tail as if to say ' Spill the beans , Carter ' . Nick sighed , " It 's Nissa . I think I 'm falling fast and hard for her . " Nick decided he needed some distraction . So he called his best friend , Jake . " OK , I 'll see you there . " Nick took a shower and got dressed . He headed out . When he got there , Jake was waiting for him . When they got in , they went straight to the VIP room . They were greeted by two girls that always hung out with them at the clubs . The red - head , whose name was Jessica , sat on Nick 's lap . The brunette was Heather , and she sat on Jake 's lap . " I 'm sorry baby , I 'm here now . " Nissa crept into his mind . He wished that Red was her . He was fighting his conscience . " Yes I 'm alright . " She continued kissing his cheek , and jaw line . Devil Nick was chuckling and teasing angel Nick . Because he saw that Nick was gonna follow his advice . Nick kissed her lips . Then her Neck . And just as he was kissing his way to her breast , he stopped abruptly . " OK then . " Jake went back to his brunette . Red joined them . Nick got in his car and dialed Nissa . He was feeling guilty because he knew he shouldn 't have even let Red sit on his lap . And he could imagine what would 've happened if Nissa found out . " Not much . I was at a party with Jake . I wasn 't feeling it . So I left . Now I 'm headed to the studio . " " Good night . " They hung up . Nick headed to the studio as originally planned . He got into the vocal booth and laid down the vocals to that song he was working on . He spent 2 hours doing so . When he was done he played back the track . He soon realized that he was singing about Nissa . He continued working on it . Before he knew it , it was almost daytime . " Shit , I have a meeting in an hour . " He went home and got ready . Then met up with management for that meeting . They all agreed on going forward with the reunion tour . He couldn 't wait to call Nissa and tell her . Nissa woke up later than usual . The sun was bright . It was 63 degrees according to the local news . She went to the kitchen to have breakfast . Her doorbell rang . " He 's good . He 's about to be promoted . If he does he 'll have to go overseas to take care of that end of the company . " " Yes but we haven 't told anyone yet . You know it 's really crazy but I 'm already being hounded by the media because of mom . I couldn 't possibly imagine how it 's gonna be when the world finds out that ' man - whore ' Nick Carter is going steady with me . " " He seems to be . Anyway , Nissa I better get going . I just wanted to make sure you 're alright . Please keep in touch . " Norma told Nissa as she hugged her . " That 's understandable . I 'm calling because I need you to come in so we can discuss your father 's will . I also need Eric and Nick to be present too . But I will call them to let them know . " " Not much . Norma came to visit . She told me that Eric is getting a promotion . And if he does he 's gonna be traveling all over the world . " " No , of course not . They can 't get over the fact that you were here with me . And they also know that the will reading is coming up so they have to be ready for that . " " Of course . Your mom was famous . And your dad being a celebrity attorney was famous himself . You being their daughter makes you famous too . They left you alone when you were little because your parents protected you . Now you are older and they will harass you more . Another thing that will contribute to that is the fact that you and me are dating . " " I know . " They talked for another hour . About how much they missed each other . About details of a tour . And how they would spend time with each other while he 's off on tour . That week flew fast . She was nervous about the will reading but at the same time she wanted it to be over . She got ready , then headed out . Eric and Nick were gonna meet up over there . She was also looking forward to seeing Nick . She arrived and she saw Eric and Nick were already waiting in the waiting room . " Don 't be . There 's nothing to be nervous about . " Just then Jolene came out to greet them . She introduced herself to the boys and led all three of them to her office . " So we all know why we are here . We are here to execute Jeff Hernandez ' z will . These are his final wishes . So if we are all ready , let 's begin . " Nissa , Eric , and Nick gave their OK 's . " I will hand each one of you a letter that Jeff wrote for you guys . Then afterwards , I will distribute what belongs to you . " Jolene handed them a letter . If you are reading this , it means that I 'm not there . I wish that it didn 't have to be this way . But only God knows why he did it . I know that you probably miss me but I want you to know that I am alright and that I want you to live your life to the fullest . I don 't want you to regret anything you do . I want you to be proud of everything you do . Never forget that no matter what your mother and I will always be proud of you . Never forget it . I love you with all my heart . Ever since you were a little boy , I 've always seen you as a son . And it was all because I saw you grow up . I had always felt that connection with you . So when Norma told us the ' SECRET ' I was extremely happy . It just gave me another reason to love you more . I 'm proud of the man you have become . I just wish that I could 've spend more time with you as your father . Please look after your sister . Nissa looked over at Eric and saw that he had a tear running down his cheek . She hugged him . Nissa knew that whatever her dad had written in Eric 's letter had touched him . She then looked at Nick . He was reading his note . I 've only known you briefly . But seeing how you 've been with Nissa , and seeing the way she acts when she talks with or about you , makes me wonder if there 's something there . And then I realized that you guys are meant to be . I mean I 'm not a matchmaker , but I can see the spark between you . Just make sure that you don 't hurt her , she is very delicate . And I don 't know how much more heartbreak she could take . Love her like crazy . And I know that she will love you more . " I will start with Eric . This is what it says . I give Eric 50 % of all my estate . To Nissa , I give her the other 50 % . It 's only fair that I split everything in half . And last but not least , Nick . I give Nick my wedding band and Jazmine 's engagement ring and band . Make her happy . " Nissa was shocked to hear that Nick got the rings . She did not like that decision . But before she could object Jolene continued . " Ok now I can tell you guys what your 50 % consists of . You guys get $ 15 million each . The house was your mother 's so Nissa , you get the house . Which I have to speak to you about your mother 's will . " " Right after this meeting is fine . My next appointment is not for a while so I have the time . Now is there any questions about this will ? " " OK bro . " Nick shook Jolene 's hand and turned to Nissa for a kiss . She turned her face . He kissed her cheek . Nick knew that she was very upset about the rings . But he knew that he had to give her some space . So he left . Jolene continued with Nissa . " OK Nissa , your father included in his will , that you are the executor to Jazmine Sohma 's estate now . That includes her $ 23 Billion . The house , and all the royalties from her books . " " Well that 's why I 'm here . As long as you let me , I will be here to help you with anything you need . I 've been your parents ' attorney since your mom decided to publish her stuff . " " You 're very welcome honey . " Nissa left Jolene 's office . Then she headed to Coffee Dreams . She walked in straight to the counter . Not seeing anyone . She was in her own little world . Once she ordered she sat down in her favorite corner . Noticing that at the other corner was Nick . She wasn 't sure if she could deal with him . So she just sat there . Nick decided that it was a perfect time to speak to her . He could corner her and she couldn 't wiggle her way out of it . " Yes , I know how much they mean to you . And no … I 'm not giving them to anyone except its rightful owner . When the time is right . " " Nissa , baby I 'm not trying to hurt you . It 's not my intention . But your father wanted this and I think that you should be happy that I 'm honoring your father 's wishes . " Nissa was so upset at that . But she knew that he was right . No other man would take the time to do so . But Nissa being as stubborn as she is , wasn 't gonna budge . Nick couldn 't believe that she said she expected him to hurt her . " I can 't believe you would say that . I can 't believe that you anticipated me hurting you . I think that 's shitty . " " Nissa , I 'm not hurting you . Yes I do understand I have your mother 's rings . Just let it go because you are not getting them . " Nissa got up and walked away . Nick was so frustrated . He didn 't know what to do . He got up and chased after her . He caught up to her and grabbed her arm . " Nissa , wait . " " Look I want you to know that , you 're a part of my life now . If I lose you … " He looked at her . He sighed and just walked away . Nissa saw sadness in his eyes . She got in her car and headed home . Sophie showed up a couple of minutes after Nissa got home . " I know but I 'm just so mad right now . I guess I 'll be alright when I get over it . " Sophie left after a while . Nissa was cleaning . She had the music in her iPhone on shuffle . All of the sudden ' Don 't Walk Away ' came on . She was listening to the words and felt like he was singing it directly to her . She couldn 't help but miss him . She dialed him . " Of course , Gummy Bear . I 'll be right over . " Nick made his way to Nissa 's place . The moment Nissa opened the door , she threw herself on him . And started crying . " Baby girl , don 't worry . It 's gonna be alright . " " I was also thinking about getting back to my site . I 'm pretty sure that my little bit of fans are missing me . Or at least I need to update the blog . " They continued talking for the next 9 months over the phone , text , and Facetime . The boys had finished their album . Nissa began working on her site . She finally got it looking like she wanted it . So she continued on her fan fiction . In those 9 months she acquired a couple thousand more fans . She was really happy . The Boys were getting ready to tour . One month before they were set to travel to New York to kick off their Reunion tour , Nick called Nissa . " The first show is in New York City in exactly 1 month . I thought maybe you could meet me in New York City . I 'll pay for everything . You could take a train or a bus . But I think it 'll be faster if you fly down . " " Yeah . All you need to bring with you is clothes , your laptop , all your forms of identification , and your passport . Everything else that you might need , I 'll take care of . " " Thank you , baby boy . " That month went by really slow . Nissa got ready . Got everything settled at the house . Eric agreed to take her to the airport because he was leaving that same day for his job . He had taken that promotion . So he was flying to Japan . Nick picked her up at the airport . She ran to him . He picked her up and spun her around as he was kissing her . There was some celebrity photographers snapping away . They missed each other so much that they didn 't care if their secret was revealed . They walked out of the airport being photographed . " It 's being taken care of by a friend . And it wasn 't my dad 's house . It was my mother 's ! " They made it out of the airport . They finally made it to his bus . When Nissa saw it , she was in amaze . She dreamed of stepping on his bus . But she never dreamed that she would , as his girlfriend . " Yes I did . But I never thought that I would be on your bus as your girlfriend . " Nick laughed . They got settled in . Then both Nick and Nissa went to sound check . There , she met the rest of the Boys . " It 's really nice to meet you . " Kevin said . Nissa was in awe at how down to earth they all were . Nissa stepped back and let the Boys do their thing . Once they were down , Nissa got back to the bus . Nick had to talk to the Boys about an idea for VIP 's . He then got back to the bus . " I loved it . Definitely looking forward to the show . Oh and stop with the very sexy moves , you 're gonna give these girls a heart attack ! " She giggled as she gave him a peck on his lips . He licked his lips to taste hers . Nick got ready for the show . They went to the venue . " Baby girl , there 's no point on getting on unless it 's to promote something because they will eat you alive . I 've learned to deal with it . I know it 's all new to you . It 'll get easier . " " I know . It 's not as bad as I thought it would be . I see that the supporters are defending us against the nay sayers . I was even called a vampiric leech . What ever that is . " Nick laughed . He loved the faces Nissa made when she was puzzled . " You 're right . " They laid down to sleep . The next several months , it was getting real to the fans that Nick and Nissa were an item and that they were getting stronger . So the fans that were against it went into a frenzy on all social medias . They were calling her ' fat bitch ' , ' gold digger ' , they even threw in a ' devil ' and ' satan ' . Nissa was having a hard time dealing with the unwanted attention . But she dealt with it the best she could . She made the effort to mingle with them despite the negativity . And Nick appreciated that . At the same time , Nick and Nissa 's coliving experience was blossoming . They spent as much time together but if Nick needed time to himself , Nissa would give him his space . Nick did the same thing . He never thought that living with someone was this easy , especially because she was a girl . " Well , it 's been easy . She gives me my space , and I give her hers . I respect her and she respects me . At night , she lays her head on my chest and she relaxes me so much that I 'm actually sleeping well . When I 'm apart from her , I can 't wait to see her … " " If it 's not , then it means you 're in love . Holy Shit my BFF is in love . " Jake teased him . At that moment Nissa walked on the bus . Travis ' wife had dropped her off . " Make yourself at home . Whatever you need , don 't hesitate to ask . " Nick knowing how Jake was , and how he would take advantage of that welcome , had to clear that . " Baby girl , it 's alright . He knows his way around . Don 't you , J ? " Nick gave him the ' I 'm one step ahead of you ' look . " Oh Ok . Well I 'm going to go pay my bills . I 'll be in the back . " She kissed his lips . " I " she kissed him , " Missed " , another kiss , " You " . He smiled everytime her lips would touch his . She went to the back . And left the boys alone . " Dude , I came out here for a change of pace . Every year I go out partying and I end up with the biggest hangover , a forgotten night and strange women in my bed . I wanted to have a relaxed birthday this year . " " Really ? I never thought I 'd see the day … " Nick said as he was walking to the back of the bus to get his laptop . He walked into the back room . He found Nissa sitting in the middle of the bed . She was buried in bills . Her laptop in front of her . The moment Nick walked in , she looked up at him and grinned . " No baby . I got this . I 'm just still trying to get use to doing this . Up until dad passed away , he was the one taking care of this . " " Are you even in love with her ? Or is this one of your mid - life crises ? " Nick thought about what Jake just asked him . He was in love with Nissa but he just didn 't know how or when to tell her that . He never thought he 'd ever have to tell a girl that he loved her . " Most of them are supporting us . They agree that Nick should already settle down . Which is funny because I don 't see it happening with me … " " No . And I totally get it . He 's been a bachelor for so long . He 's never gotten this close to a girl . That 's why I 'm not pushing the issue like other girls would . I want him to do things on his own terms . " " I don 't know . I guess he doesn 't want any . And I don 't want to seem like a slut by initiating anything . " " Ok , I 'm going to give you an exercise . Because you need to get over that . He 's a man . And no man can go this long without sex . But first do you want to do this ? " " Nissa , relax " She told Nissa after hearing panic in her voice . " Kiss his lips . Then trail your way to his neck , jaw line , ears , chest … well the possibilities are endless ! " " I will " They talked for a couple more minutes . Then Nissa went back to the bills . When she finished them it was almost 2 in the morning . She went out to the front to grab something quick to eat . " Ok baby boy . " She grabbed an apple . She then kissed him and went back to the back . Half an hour later Nick and Jake finished up the game and logged off . Jake laid down on the couch in the front of the bus . Nick went to his room in the back . Nissa was laying there watching a documentary on Sea Horses . " Come here " She raised her arms at him . He laid on the bed with his head on her lap . She started running her fingers through his hair and rubbing his head . Nick always found that soothing . She leaned forward and kissed him . He looked up at her . " Oh nothing , except that I 'm happy with you too . " She kissed him again , nibbling on his lip . She could tell he was really into it . Still kissing him , she got on her knees and wrapped her arms around his neck . He pulled her closer to him . She couldn 't get enough of him . She put her hands on either side of his face . " MMMMMM … Nissa " Nissa straddled him . She looked down into his eyes . She could see desire in them . That was her cue . She traced his jaw line with kisses and worked her way down to his neck . She nibbled on his neck . He moaned . He unfastened her bra snap . He pulled her shirt off and kissed her chest . He made his way down to her nipple , teasing her with his tongue . Then he kissed his way to her other tit and teased her nipple again . Nissa didn 't know how to take that new sensation . She giggled . " What 's the matter ? " " You 're beautiful . You know that ? " Nissa smiled at him and kissed him . She then got off of him and took his shirt off . Pushing him back . She straddled him once more . She kissed his neck , making her way down to his Adam 's apple . She then worked her way down to his chest . Nick moaned . She continued her way down to his stomach . She could feel him tense up from excitement . She unbuckled his belt and unbuttoned his jeans . " Baby girl , we don 't have to do this if you are not ready . " " I 'm ready baby . I want to make love to you right now . " Nick moaned again . She pulled off his jeans and underwear . She began to stroke his dick . He wasn 't expecting that . The harder he got the more frisky she got with him . She surprised him by sticking him in her mouth . She teased his head with her tongue . She could tell he was dying of anticipation . His moans turned into quiet grunts . She sucked his dick until his legs were getting restless . He flipped her on her back . She giggled . He kissed her lips . She placed her hands in his hair as he kissed his way to her chest . He squeezed her tit while he sucked on her nipple . She tugged on his hair . He smiled while making eye contact with her . He had a devilish look in his eyes . He kissed his way down to her pelvic area . Nick pulled her shorts off . Leaving her boyshorts on . " No . " She grinned . He kissed her pelvic area . She felt a chill . He kissed her pussy over her underwear . She inhaled then moaned . She couldn 't comprehend the intensity of this feeling . Nick was pleased to know that she was feeling good . " Baby boy stop teasing me . " She told him between breaths . He slipped her boyshorts off . Spread her legs apart . He teased her a little more by kissing on her pussy . She sighed out of pleasure . He began to eat her out . He stroke her clit with his tongue , sending her into a frenzy of mixed feelings and emotions . " Oooh Nick , that feels amazing ! " She moaned loudly . She was still tugging at his hair . Nick knew that if he didn 't stop she would 've cummed at any moment . So he stopped . He kissed his way back up to her chin . And kissed her lips . " Mmmmm baby you taste so good . " That got Nissa wondering what she tasted like . But soon enough she pushed any thoughts like that out of her mind . Right now it was the moment . The moment that belonged to Nick and nothing else . She was so turned on , she couldn 't take no more of his teasing . " Do you have a condom baby ? " He took one out of his nightstand drawer . Nissa took it out of his hand and flipped him on his back . She took it out of it 's wrapper and slipped it on him . Nick watched every move Nissa made , exciting him even more . She slowly lowered herself on his dick . Nick feeling her tight pussy slipping on him , moaned . " It 's normal baby girl . Since it 's your first time . It 's just my penis stretching you . And don 't be surprised if you do bleed a little bit . It 's all normal . Now if it gets really uncomfortable let me know and we will stop . " " Ok " The stinging stopped . Nissa began to ride him . Grinding on his dick . Nick placed his hands on her hips . She placed hers on his chest . Everytime he would hit the right spot she would dig her nails into his chest . Leaving scratch marks on him . He could feel her pussy walls swelling around his throbbing cock . His loud moaning turned into loud grunting . Nissa rode him faster . By the look on his face and the grip he had on her hips , she knew he was about to blow . He sat up and thrusted harder in her . She threw her arms over his shoulders and the more he thrusted , the harder it was for her to contain her hard breathing and moaning . She was scratching on his back . Leaving more marks . Nick thrusted one more time and that touched her special spot . " Oh , Oh my god . Niick , oh fuck … ! " She shouted his name . She continued grinding on Nick . When she came back from all that intensified sensation , she leaned on Nick and whispered in his ear , " I love you ! " and nibbled on it . That drove Nick crazy , and he blew . He grunted as he thrusted once more . He held on to her while he recuperated from the intense orgasm . Nissa kissed him . She was still straddling him . Her arms around his neck . Nick was trying to catch his breath . She kept kissing his forehead , his cheeks , his lips , and his chin . She would nibble on his earlobes . He laid down . With Nissa still sitting on him . He was admiring her . He couldn 't believe that such an amazing girl would want to be with an old man like him . Let alone , make love to him that intensely . Nissa got off of him . She then took the condom off of him and cleaned him up . She laid next to him . Laying her head on his chest . " I promise you I was a virgin . You are my first and I 'm glad it 's you . " They kissed . " I love you . " She whispered . He didn 't answer back . Nissa didn 't think anything of it . She fell asleep first . " I love you too gummy bear . I just don 't know how to tell you . I guess I 'm too chicken shit to do so . I will get there . " He fell asleep soon after . Nissa woke up the next day . Nick wasn 't in bed . They had arrived at the next destination on the tour . Nick was sitting in the front of the bus with Jake and Travis . " Nothing . Just running through my day 's activity . And discussing the fact that the tour is almost over . And I want to work on a solo project . " " That sounds great . " They had 3 more shows to do before the tour was over . Several nights later , Nick got on the bus after the show , Nissa noticed that he was melancholy . " Are you sure ? You are not yourself . " He was sitting on his couch at the front of the bus . He was watching a movie . But Nissa saw that there was no interest in the movie whatsoever . The bus was in motion . They hit a big bump and she fell in his lap . " Ha that 's exactly what I intended to do . " She laughed . " Now tell me what 's wrong ? " " Well we 've been on tour for most of this year . Usually , I 'm by myself , but this time you were here . I got used to having you here . Now when we go back home , you go back to Maine and I go back to Malibu … " " I know , I guess we will be ok . " The closer the last day of the tour got closer the angrier Nick was getting . He began to pick unnecessary fights with anyone who came in his path . Including Nissa ! They had arrived at Malibu . They were cleaning out the bus . " I 'm sorry . It 's a good thing this tour is over , you won 't have to deal with me and my fucking shoes again huh ! ? " Deep down inside he wasn 't mad at her for that . He was taking his anger towards himself on her . He was frustrated because there was so much he wanted to tell her , but he was such a coward to tell her . So as usual he began to push her away . That was his defense mechanism . He looked at her as she was packing her things up and he could see a tear running down her cheek . He felt so bad , but he was so hard headed to do anything about it . They get everything done . Jake had Nick 's car waiting for him . All three of them got in . They rode in silence . Nick kept looking at Nissa in the rearview mirror . She was in the back seat , in deep thought . They headed straight to the airport . Her flight left in less than 2 hours . Once they arrived , Nick and Nissa got out . He grabbed her suitcase out of the trunk . He set it down . He immediately wrapped his arms around her . " I love you too baby girl . " He said after she walked through the doors . He got in the car . " God Damn it ! " He punched the steering wheel . Jake looked at him in shock . He had never seen Nick act like that . " I fucked up really bad . " " Jake it 's not that . I 've been this way so long and then this girl comes along and makes me feel different . So because I 'm so use to being the way I was , I can 't express to her my true feelings . Because of it , I mistreated her and now she went back home . Mad at me ! " " You 're probably right . " Although Jake was right for the first time in his life . Nick still felt panic running through him . For the first time in his life he had a positive motivation . He dropped Jake at his place . Nick headed out to the Sports Bar and Grill near his place . He grabbed some lunch . " You 're right . She is very special . We 've known each other for almost 7 years . We just got serious about a year ago . And I still haven 't been able to tell her how I feel . " " There 's nothing going on . Nick and I are dating . Nothing more . " She finally got in the house . Felt an empty house . She was so use to arriving somewhere and there was Nick or anyone else . She felt alone . She wanted to call him but she was being hard headed . She decided she was gonna take a nap and then unpack her stuff . Nick made it home with Nacho . To an empty house as well . He was used to being received by Nissa . He began to miss her like crazy . He then got a phone call from AJ . " What 's the matter boy ? " Nacho moaned and laid his head on a plush burger that Nissa had bought him . " I know . I miss her too . And the longer we are apart , I don 't know … " Nacho perked up . To his understanding , Nick was finally gonna admit what he wanted . Nick walked away . Nacho whimpered in disappointment . Nick came back to Nacho , with his phone . He snapped a picture of him with the burger and put it on Instagram . Captioning it ' He misses Nissa . ' Several hours later he got ready and headed out to meet up with AJ . He got there at the same time as AJ . " I 'm just frustrated because , I 'm feeling things that I never thought I would feel . And I 'm a pussy . I can 't find the words or moment to tell her exactly how I feel . " " Sometimes you need to just tell her . Don 't think about it . Just spit it out , no matter how it comes out . Has she told you that she loves you ? " " I showed her how I felt and I mistreated her . I feel like a monster . I was sad that the tour was over and she had to go home and I had to go home , so instead of dealing with it , that last week of the tour I was angry . I mistreated several people including her . I told her I was sorry but she 's still upset at me . " " I hope so , because I would hate to lose her . " They ate and chatted it up . But the whole time he was there , Nick 's heart was in Maine . He wanted to call her but he refrained from doing it . He went on for the next weeks . They would talk on the phone . She was warming up to him again . She was having Nick withdrawals . Just as he was having Nissa withdrawals . There were rumors going around that they had broken up . Neither one addressed the issue . She decided to write the book about her mother . About being her daughter and the events after her death . And just as she was getting into writing the storyboard , her phone rang . " Well I was contacted by The Hollywood Chamber of Commerce . They are inducting your mother into the Walk of Fame . Now they wanted to know if you would go to accept it . " " Good . By the way , I 'm glad that you called because I 'm planning to write a book and I 'm new to all this . So I need help . " " Of course . Is there a number he can reach you ? " Nissa gave the receptionist her number . As soon as she hung up with them , Carlos called her back . " Yes I am . But first I have to promote the event for the fans . Also I must tell you that this will create more media attention for you so you need to prepare yourself to be stalked , followed , photographed , etc . " " If you have any questions , doubts , or anything don 't hesitate to call me . " He gave her his cell number . " That 's my cell number . See you then . " " Not much . Just got the most awesomest news in the whole world . " Nick giggled . He knew it was excellent news if she was saying ' awesomest ' . " Me either baby girl . " They hung up . That whole week Nissa was struggling to find the words that she needed for the speech . No matter what she did or where she 'd go , she couldn 't find inspiration . Realizing that the day was getting closer she decided to head back to Springfield . Hoping she 'd find the inspiration she was seeking . She got to Springfield . She then headed to her parents grave site . She wanted to leave flowers . It had been almost year since she was there . She put the flowers down and sat between them . " Hey mom and dad . A lot has happened since I last saw you . Eric went off to run the company he works for overseas . Norma moved to Dallas with Patsy . Backstreet Boys made a reunion album and went on a tour for it . I went along with Nick and I had the best time in the world . We got to know each other a little more . We are still getting to know each other . And working the long distance relationship . At the end of the week I get to fly out there . It 's all because mom , you are finally getting a star in the Hollywood Walk of Fame . So they have asked me to accept it for you . I also have to give a speech . But I don 't have any inspiration for the perfect words . That 's why a couple of days shy of the ceremony ; I came down looking for inspiration . I will make you proud . I promise you that . " She sat there for several hours . She typed away at her laptop . She was so inspired that she lost track of time . The sun was hitting her in the face when she realized that it was almost sundown . She checked her phone to see what time it was and saw that she had several text messages from Nick . She called him up . " I 'm fine . I just didn 't have inspiration to write the speech so I came to see them . I 'm actually almost done . " " Great , I can 't wait to have you in my arms ! " Nissa giggled . She couldn 't wait to be near him either . She got in her car and headed back to Maine . She would have been getting there around midnight . " Nissa , I 'm begging you . Don 't drive please . Rent a hotel room and get some sleep . You can fly in tomorrow night . You have time . " " I know baby . I 'll be fine . " Hesitantly he hung up with her . Nissa headed to Maine . 2 Hours later she noticed that she was kind of drowsy . The 3 RedBulls she had downed were not affecting her anymore . She blasted some music and it seemed to be helping . All of the sudden she fell completely asleep . The car swerved to the left and it fell into a ditch , crashing sideways into a tree . Nissa hit her head with the window , breaking it . The seat belt had stopped her from going out the windshield . She was unconscious . Several drivers that were driving behind her had stopped to help . The car was smoking heavily , they knew if they didn 't get her out she was gonna be lost in a fire . They called 911 to report the accident . The state patrol and firefighters responded immediately . They fought against time to get her out but she was in a unreachable position . Until one of the fire fighters decided to get in through the passenger side and cut her seat belt . With the help of the others they were able to pull her out . She was still not responding . By the time she was pulled out the ambulance had arrived . She was immediately transported to the nearest hospital . All that time Nick was sitting in his living room with the worst feeling he could ever have . He called her several times because he knew she should have been home . She wouldn 't answer . All he could do is wait for her call . And just when he was about to call the Friendship police department , his phone rang … |
For the record , work is very much a pain in the ass right now . And , it is going to get worse , probably much worse before it gets better . . . . if it gets better . I have some pretty tight time frames I am working under for things that were just given and not meeting them is not an option . So , I 'll probably be tired , overworked , and grumpy for the next 6 - 8 weeks . Just thought I would mention it . Forgive me if I once again go on about Max . Not only is he at a particularly cute and fun stage , he is very life affirming and the best thing going on in my life right now . It just seems like there has been so much death and disappointment lately . Within the last week , my brother in law 's father lost his battle to cancer ; a friend from my youth ( known her and her family since I was 4 , her mom was my confirmation sponsor ) husband died . . . she found him dead on the floor . . . they are doing an autopsy . . . she has three school age kids ; an SMC friend . . . the one who went into preterm labor earlier in the week . . . . delivered her daughter Katharine Eleanor today . . . she was born with no heartbeat let alone a breath . That 's the death . As to the disappointment , well , there is the fact that that I 'm still not pregnant and no closer to giving Max a sibling ; my friend 's A and S who are also struggling to have a second child as well . . . the three of us have been trying for about the same length of time with no success ; my friend H . . . the one who is battling breast cancer has finished her months and months of chemo and gearing up for months of radiation ; We won 't even get into work , because that just gets depressing . So , forgive me if I droan on a bit about Max again . I need to focus on all that is good and pure and fun in my life . Today , Max 's nanny started crying when she told me that her cousin , who has lived with her for 5 years moved out this weekend for a job on the other side of LA . Max put on his " cry " face , went and gave her a big hug and patted her back . I was so proud of him . He didn 't know what it was about , but he knew she was sad and hurting . Wow . How did I get so lucky to have him in my life ? This last weekend , I took Shadow into the vet to get one of her labs retested and to see if they can get a urine sample they couldn 't get last week . When I told Max we needed to take Shadow to the vet , the doggy doctor , he immediately said . . . " fish , fish " , which caught me by surprise until I remembered that they do , in fact , have this reallyPosted by Yesterday , I commented that Max was anti - social and it has been bugging me ever since . I don 't really think that Max is anti - social . He is less social than some kids and he is more social in some situations than others . Yes , yesterday , when we were at a party of twin 2 year old boys , he spent more time playing with the sliding screen door than the birthday boys or anyone else for that matter . However , he really wanted to play with their 5 year old brother and his friend and the more rough and dangerous the play , the more he wanted part of it . The older boys took a see - saw plastic rocker into one of the wading pools and Max glommed onto that situation before I could blink . They , of course , wanted nothing to do with him . Yesterday afternoon , he was a less social than normal , but he also hasn 't taken a nap 3 out of the last 4 days and the one day he did nap it was short . I knew this was coming when he had 4 hour naps 3 - 4 days last week . It is part of his cycle , be it a growth cycle , teething ( he has at least 2 if not 4 new teeth in , hard to tell as he refuses to let me get a good look ) . Plus , playing with sliding doors and figuring out how things work is just part of his personality . He has spent countless hours playing with the sliding glass door and screen in my room commenting the other day " rail ro twacks " as he pointed to the track of the door . I was impressed and explained that those were tracks , but sliding glass door tracks , not rail road tracks . He nodded and has called them twacks ever since . I couldn 't tell you how many hours he spent playing with the lounge chairs in the back yard figuring how they sit up and down . Yesterday morning , we went to a park with the dogs before stopping by the train station to catch the 8 : 15 and 8 : 35 trains . We have been going to this park since right after Lucky died and I would walk Max in the Bjorn and then the stroller . Max loves this park because it has lots of dogs with nice owners as well as a train that goes through the mountains that can be seen by the park . I got MaxPosted by My dream of a nap was just that . . . a dream . No nap for Max . No nap for me . I came coser than he did . Darn . I should have gone to the beach with my friend when she called . I could have taken Nikki to the foster showing event . The only break I typically get all week is during naps on the weekend . No naps for Max means no break for me . I realize how much I need that break , especially when I don 't get it . One of the things I did last night when not sleeping was draft a new bio for Nikki . The person who is " sponsoring " her and looking for a forever home for Nikki liked it so well , she posted it to the web page with no changes already this morning . Not bad for late night ramblings . Barbara , the sponsor , had mentioned yesterday that she was thinking of re - writing it . As I do with blog entries sometimes , I found myself writing it in my head . Here it is . . . . Not only is Nikki man 's best friend , but also woman 's , child 's , cat 's and dog 's . She would be a great addition to any family . She is 10 years young with a heart of gold and very friendly . When she sees a tennis ball , she 'll try to talk you into a short game of keep away with a gleam in her eye and a smile on her face . She walks great on leash - - in a perfect heel on a brisk walk and patient at a slower pace with an older dog and young child . She is housebroken , although hasn 't been trained to use a doggy door . Her fur may be short ( now ) , but she is long on love . She is a great companion . She is happy to take whatever love and attention you can give her or lay near you while you go about your day . If you are a dog loving family ready for a new addition , please email Barbara at babyxxxx @ aol . com . Please be sure to include your last name and where you live . 19 minutes and counting to nap time . I 'm ready . Max had better be as well , because I am tired . He 's already had two no nap days to balance out the extra long ones from last week . I 'm ready for stabilization and our regularly scheduled sleeps . Although , he is not the reason I am tired and didn 't sleep well last night . Sadly , very rarely ( or probably not so sad really ) is my lack of sleep a result of Max . 16 minutes until nap . Better go start setting the stage . I climbed under this fence to get Max and was arrested . It was some other country . Every time I tried to explain my situation , I was yelled at pushed back and told to wait " my turn " . I was sick and Max and I got separated / they would not let us be together . He was still young , but not as young as he is now . I was there huddled on the cermet floor under a bench , by a chain link fence for a long time . Somewhere between 6 months and a year , long enough after the woman supposed to be " doing my processing " had been promoted . Max and I were reunited , but he would never play anymore and kept saying that he was sorry . It was his fault . And , I explained that it wasn 't his fault , it was the fault of a woman who was in a position of power and responsibility . I was so upset to be separated from Max and angry that this could happen . As I was waking up , I had chance to " retaliate " to this woman and she was brought back to the states and separated from her family so she could see how it felt . I didn 't come up with the idea or the situation , but just agreed to a punishment someone else set up for her . After the exact amount of time I was separated from Max , she was summoned and instead of learning her lesson , she kept arguing and justifying how what she did was fine and I didn 't understand and how could I be so cruel . I was supposed to keep banishing her away , but I couldn 't do it and she was sent back home . Max and I were just standing there hugging and crying when I woke up . It was awful . Now , I can 't shake it and go back to sleep . Thank God it was only a dream . Note to self , no trips to foreign countries with unstable law enforcement and imprisonment . Max is presumably sleeping peacefully after falling asleep in the car around 6 : 30 pm and transferring well from the car to the crib . I 'd go check on him and give him a hug , but I would wake him and am sure not ready for him to start the day early just because of my bad dream . I 'm tired and was headed to bed before quickly checking in on the computer and found out a friend 's water broke and has gone into preterm labor at 23 weeks . The details of my day like how Max didn 't nap , was Mr . Anti - social at a friends birthday party , how I forgot to take the steps when I took Shadow to the vets for a follow up blood draw today and urine , all seem so trivial in comparison . For some , the road to parenthood can be so easy . For others , no so . My heart hurts for all those who struggle on the road to parenthood by either having trouble conceiving , miscarriage , or pregnancy complications . It can be so hard . Harder than someone who hasn 't been through it can even imagine . Typically , there is nothing anyone else can do to really help . No matter how much we would like to . I got a lot of things done today , very little of it work that I get paid to do . You should have seen Max 's eyes and face light up when he walked in and saw his train table in the middle of the family room floor . I got a few pictures and tried to do some video , but drat the battery was dead and is now charging . You will have to imagine the sound affects . . choo , choo train . . . CHOO CHOO . . . railro tracks train . I would only be slightly exaggerating if I said it took up half my family room . I put out a few trains , but am going to save the bulk of them to wrap and give him on his birthday . He has done nothing but play and explore the table since he walked in . I am so , so glad that I splurged and got him this . Now , I just have to make space for it someplace . I ended up getting it today and good thing I did , because I had to take out Max 's car seat to get it to fit . Yeah momma ! Notice how he is checking it out from all sides and angles ? I decided to move sperm today as I was down to one vial at the clinic and to go in for an u / s to see what is growing . Today is cd10 . I really struggled with whether to go in or not , but thought that waiting until Monday might be too late . So , I called around 10 and made an appointment for early this afternoon , called the sperm bank to see if I could use their tank , called the lady selling me the train to see if I could come today and headed out . Tell , me , would any of these be a sign that you have been going to your clinic too long ? a ) When the medical director sees you added to the schedule , he surprises you by coming in and doing your u / s . b ) You tell him , that you want to trade out his " wand " for one like Harry Potters and when he 's in there he should shoot some magic up there because you are tired of dismal results and it can only help . c ) When we agree you need to come back in Monday , he and the nurse tell just to come on in any time and they will fit you in . d ) When you are in visiting with the office manager / financial coordinator and receptionist about your u / s results , they tell you they donPosted by * * * Note : no spoilers here , safe to read if you haven 't yet picked up or finished the new Harry Potter book * * * I 've always liked the idea of magic . Even as a child , I was never a big TV watcher , but Bewitched was my favorite TV show then . Did you know they are doing reruns of it , The Partridge Family , I Dream of Genie , and I think one more of the oldies ? I don 't remember the station / channel , but I have caught it a few times . I always wanted to have magical powers . I dreamed of being a witch . I would have loved that . I read The Hobbit series young and have the box set paper back collection . I have re - read it several times in my life . I was thrilled when they brought it to the big screen . I own all three DVD 's and they have been watched a few times each . I liked Star Wars and have the old videos of them that get re - watched every few years . Although , I don 't have the newest one and don 't think I have seen it . And , when did that come out ? Years ago ? I never did get into Star Trek much . Never was a Trekkie . Don 't know why . Just didn 't . I guess I 'm not much one for obsessions and such . I have really enjoyed the Harry Potter series . I actually don 't own any of the books , but do own all of the DVDs out thus far . Yet , I know that I actually will buy the set at some point in the future and re - read them all . I actually tried to do that before looking to see if the recent book was available from the library , but they are not yet available as a set yet . Anyway , I finished the book yesterday . There 's one part at the end that I have a question about , but it is really a minor detail . The author is a really great story teller with a wonderful imagination . In a way , I 'm envious . I would love to have such a mind , a talent if you will , to think up stories like Harry Potter , Bewitched , The Hobbit , Star Wars almost as much as I would love , still today . . . maybe even more today . . . to have magical powers . And , if I did have such powers , the first thing I would is fix the leak in my kitchen sink . Sigh . I just don 't want to have to deal with it anyPosted by Not only is Max still sleeping ( Thank you Max , really needed that extra hour this morning ) , but I want to talk about his birthday present . Here it is . . . . Reply to : sale - 37xxxxxxxxx @ craigslist . orgDate : 2007 - 07 - 21 , 9 : 13AM PDTThomas the Tank Engine 3 ' x4 ' Train Table with full track glued down with many accessories including matching chair , backpack and more than 35 train cars . This table has been well loved and is in good condition . $ 200 firm . Buyer must pick up train table in xxxxxxxxxx . Now , I don 't actually have possession of it yet , but she did say she would hold it for me . We have a time set on Saturday for me to get it and I have her address and phone number and directions to her house so I think I am set . I 'm so happy . I think this will be perfect and he will love it . I could never afford right now to get all this new for him and actually , I 'm much happier it isn 't and the tracks and everything are glued . This will make it easier and nicer for both of us . I 've been watching ebay and craigslist for weeks now . I 've bid on another set on ebay and inquired on a few other craigslist items that I either never heard back on or were sold . But , actually , I like the one I am getting the absolute best of all the ones I 've seen . I 'm so happy she is holding it for me . She told me she had someone coming on Sunday to look and get it if it wasn 't sold and she had other emails of people interested . I was so worried it would get sold before I could go , because I can 't get there until Saturday . I told her I was very interested and it would be perfect for my sons 2nd birthday and that I just couldn 't get there sooner , but would see if I could get a friend who lived closer . And , she said she would hold it , that she liked the idea of it being someones 2nd Birthday present . I 'm so happy . This is the second thing I 've bought off a craigslist ( my bowling ball gaze ball for $ 5 that I gave her $ 10 for since she met me halfway ) and both sellers have been just so wonderful . In other news , Max is either dead or still sleeping . I 'll go with the lPosted by Catchup and Pear Juice . MMMMMM MMMMMMM . Yes , that is what Max ate for breakfast today . No , this is not , exactly , what he was served , it is just what he ate from that which he was served . Okay , to be fair , I think he also ate 3 slices of pare before just drinking the juice and asking for more . The scene . . . . I open the fridge to pull out stuff for Max 's breakfast . I was going from something quick and simple since I stayed up late reading . . . you know . . . Harry Potter . As soon as the fridge door opened . Max climbed in and pulled out the bottle of catchup and took it to the table . I made him a plate of turkey and tortilla and cream cheese with a side bowl of pares . He added the catchup ( with a little help ) . Oh well , I decided early on that I wasn 't going to have food battles with Max . All I can do is serve him well balanced meals most of the time , what he chooses to eat he chooses to eat . But , I did have to laugh at the combination . . . yuck . . . . both from a taste perspective for breakfast and as lots of catchup and juice ended up all over him . He was using his fingers to eat the catchup and drinking from the bowl ( good practice , he doesn 't quite have it mastered yet , but is getting better ) so some ended up down his front and on his legs . I ate some crab pasta salad that I made last night from a recipe from a party I attended this weekend . Yum Yum . Way better than catchup and pear juice for breakfast . So , what did you eat for breakfast ? Careful . That 's what Max said this evening as he jumped off the rocking chair in his room and hurled himself at me as I was reading him a book before bed . Thank goodness , I turned to look over my shoulder at why he said that and was able to turn a bit so he landed over my shoulder and I could catch him . The good news is that he has been much more interested in books before bed . I think he has finally figured out what a good stall tactic that is to delay bedtime a bit and he hasn 't been as tired before bed as he slept an hour late today and took another 4 hour nap . Can anyone say growth spurt ? This is the same boy who a bit earlier called " mommy " to get my attention , looked me straight in the eye and burped with a smile on his face and when I reminded him he should say excuse me when he burps just laughed . During a boring work meeting today , on a whim , I did a search on the new Harry Potter book in the Los Angeles Public Library and they had a copy at a branch near me . Actually , they had 4 copies available when I looked and were down to one by the time the meeting ended when I called to double check availability . But , they were able to hold it for me and I rushed out . So , I have less than 7 days to get the book read and returned since it is so in demand . If I 'm not around , you will no where I am spending my free time . And , remember , . . . . careful . Ha ha . Yes , he has heard that word quite a bit in fact . Quess who was playing with the camera ? I think he may have some talent . Don 't you think the pictures are a bit " artsy " ? Do you think Nikki is starting to feel comfortable here ? This is where I found Nikki this morning when we came home from a whirl wind tour around the city . Do you think these are signs your weekend was too busy ? 1 ) On Sunday afternoon , you take a 2 hour nap and your son takes a 4 hour one ( and counting ) . 2 ) A friend you haven 't seen much of lately comes over with her kids to swim and you aren 't here to see them . Note : She knew we wouldn 't be here as we had previous plans , but they were at loose ends and it was a hot day . And , hey , someone to visit , entertain the dogs . Do you think we have been to Travel Town too much lately ? . . . when the Engineer upon boarding today says , " So , you just can 't stay away from this place ? " as he recognizes us . We were there yesterday for a planned trip with a neighbor and stopped by on the way home to stretch our legs while we were on the way back from taking Nana to the airport and going to visit a friend who is in the hospital . Yes , Max continues to love the place ! ! ! I 'm sure we have many more visits in our future . I 've been fostering Nikki for a little over a week now . Things are going well and Shadow seems to have perked up a bit with her around . I was asked to take a few pictures of her and do a little write up . Here it is . . . . Nikki is a 10 year old lady with a few groans and a bit of arthritis , but very friendly and easy going . She does great with other dogs , young children , and cats . She 's a natural born flirt and sparkles / shines with male ( human ) attention . She walks nicely on leash and very patient when walking with a slower 16 year old dog and a young 2 year old boy , but is also happy with a brisk stroll . When she sees a tennis ball , she 'll try to talk you into a short game of fetch / keep away with a gleam in her eye and a smile on her face . She 's housebroken , but doesn 't seem to have been trained to use a doggy door . She 's a great companion . She 's happy to take whatever love and attention you can give her or lay near you while you go about your day . Note : The towels and stuff are all over the floor because Shadow can 't walk without slipping on the tile anymore . So , we live with towels and such all over so she can get around . That is how much time my dad , his second wife , and their son ( my half brother who is around 12 years old , I think ) graced us with their presences today . Apparently , in 15 days while they are here , that is the only amount of time they could squeeze us in . . . while they were on the way back from spending the day with my youngest sister at the beach ( who pitched a fit last time they came into town a few years ago when they only had time for a cup of coffee with her ) on their way back to her sisters where they are staying . Of course , they were supposed to be here around 6 pm at the latest and didn 't get here until right before Max 's bedtime . It felt like such a duty visit , an obligation , that I wish they wouldn 't have even bothered . I actually would have let Max stay up a bit later to spend time with them and he was pretty wound up by then with visitors so late . Max was actually very charming and well behaved with very good listening skills while they were here . Even though I told Max who they were , he doesn 't really understand yet . Still it was hard when I was explaining that they had to go bye - bye and he said , no , and pointed to the chair for them to sit back down . I guess I am supposed to be honored that they gave us any time ( they have actually come into town and not told us or tried to see us at all , because you know , her family is much more important ) . They spent most of the time telling me how busy they were and all . It just left me feeling sad and emotional . And , so begins another cycle . I 'm fine , really . Sad , yes . But , fine . Max 's nanny is bugging the heck out of me lately . And , I don 't think it is just me being in a bad mood or more critical . For example , she came late on Monday , in her husbands car , without Max 's car seat , didn 't want to drive my car , and was upset that I didn 't have time to move the car seat from my car ( and neither of us trust her to install it properly herself ) . She let Max cry in his crib for over 10 minutes when he woke up early for his nap , until I stopped working and went to get him , while she sat at the table doing nothing . Yes , there are a lot of other things that bug me , that are little and I will own or don 't matter in the whole scheme of things , but these are things I don 't need right now . I have checked out a few more pre - schools . So far , not in love with any of them . Like pieces here and there , but nothing enough that I 'm ready to enroll Max or commit . Work is busy and basically sucks right now . I can 't get into details . Then , there is the whole fertility thing or lack of fertlility . Life is not horrible . I have a wonderful son . My fountain in the backyard is working and I have been able to sit and relax in my backyard admiring the fruits of my labor and the beautiful flowers . I have a job . I feel really good about being a foster home for the Golden Retriver rescue , but that is hard in away as well . I purposly didn 't agree didn 't want to take in labs because both Lucky and Shadow were / are part labs and I figured that would have been too hard . Yet , I have found taking in any dog a bit hard . It still makes me miss Lucky more than I thought . And , I find it incredibly hard to understand how families can turn in their dogs as sweet as the two I have fostered . I just don 't get it . Nikki has almost been here a week now . She and Shadow are doing little jockeying for alpha dog status . Nikki will take Shadow 's bed when she gets up . Shadow will do the same . Nikki will try to block Shadow from getting to me by laying in the middle of the hall so she cPosted by I know I said I was going to take a Tylenol PM and a warm bath and then head to bed . I did both , but made a quick phone call to a friend to tell her about a show that I saw last night in the middle of the night when I was up not sleeping because I thought she would like it . She had seen it and did like it . In the course of the conversation , we started talking about something I needed to pick up before next weekend and how I would likely need to do it on Sunday morning and miss church again because that was really going to be the only time . Which got us on the the subject of naps and the topic about which I need to vent . She asked me why I just didn 't take Max and let him sleep in the stroller . I explained because Max wouldn 't sleep in the stroller . She went on to tell me how her sister used to do it all the time with her daughter and it worked out fine ; how her daughter just got used to it . I tried to explain that was great and probably worked because of her neices temperment and before I could finish my point she cut in and started to say how she wasn 't critizizing me or my parenting . I responded that I didn 't feel critizized , but I just didn 't agree with what she was saying and she cut in and said I got to go and hung up on me . I have to say , it really upset me and pissed me off . I 'm fine with her having her point of view and probably would have thought the same thing before I had Max if I ever even gave it a thought which I don 't think I did . I really didn 't feel critizized . I 'm upset because she got so upset and angry that she hung up without me getting to finish my point and the reasons I felt the way did . No maybe , probably , I should of just shut up and let her think I was agreeing with her instead of telling her I disagreed , but you know . . . I just didn 't feel like it . I don 't agree with her . I do think that some kids do just fine with this approach and can either not nap or nap where ever they are . And , I think that some kids , like mine , can 't and won 't . If I took Max out every day , he would not get used to itPosted by I 'm in pain here folks . I have a pinched nerve or pulled muscle in my right shoulder / neck for the last few days . My chiropractor is out this week . Went to see my acu and she worked on me . Still not feeling that great . She gave me a lecture , after I told her I took some Tylenol last night ( because I haven 't been sleeping the last two nights because of this ) about how I should be putting toxins like this into my body during a 2ww . You know what , I 'm going to do it again in a few minutes . I can barely move my neck and arm . I 'm sure being on the computer for the last hour or so hasn 't helped . Ugh ! I hate this . Going to take a Tylenol PM ( which Dr . N has told me is just fine to take in a 2ww ) and then a warm bath which kind of sucks since it is so warm out to see if I can make it bearable enough to sleep . Just wanted to complain for a minute . ps . All the gardening and work that probably contributed to this situation was worth the pain . Sitting out in my back yard while typing this and just really enjoying the fruits of my labor . And , I think I fixed the leak / crack in my foutain . I 'll need to check it tomorrow mornign to make sure , but it all looks pretty good tonight . Work wasn 't so bad today . I attended a few meetings and got through most of my email and that was about it . Kristen , my first foster , was adopted today . She is going to a really great family that will love her and give her all the attention she needs . I 'm so happy for her . I got a new foster dog Nikki ( sp ? ) . I 'd post a picture of her , but I don 't have one and am too tired to take one and of load it to the computer right now . She 's older ( estimated about 10 ) and was found on a construction sight , but is well ( and recently ) groomed , well fed , and probably well taken care of since she isn 't as needy as Kristen was . They think she is just lost or someone was watching her while her family is on vacation and are going to try to find her owners first before trying to adopt her out . Max seemed to like and be happier with the younger , more energetic Kristen . I 'm not feeling as overwhelmed with the older Nikki . While yesterday I was thinking no way could I take on another dog . Today , it seems much more manageable if it is the right dog . I 'm not adopting another dog soon . Really . I swear . I think Shadow likes Nikki a bit better too . Shadow has / is laying closer to Nikki and interacting more with Nikki it appears . Shadow even came outside with us ( I 'm typing this at my new patio table looking at my new garden contemplating filling up my fountain with water to see if I sealed the cracks ) and is laying right with us ( and City Boy just joined us on the table ) . Anyway , two days into my fostering and on to my second dog . Still really glad I 'm doing this . I don 't actually have a copy of them yet , but I got my lab results from Monday back verbally today . My progesterone was over 18 at 7 dpo . It was never that high with Max even when I got released from the RE to the OB . I don 't have a 7 dpo number to compare since I never got a 7 dpo P4 in the cycle that resulted in Max . I only did it this time because I wanted to get the liver and kidney test since I was taking the Metformin . I was told that those test came back fine , but no details . HPosted by Sadly , my vacation is officially over and I 'm back to work tomorrow . I 'm tired . Physically and in a good way . I got so much done . Basically everything I wanted to in the yard / gardening . I did several things with Max and spent more time with him during the day . I was able to hang out with him during his lunch and putting him down for his nap before heading out for errands and spending more time with him in the late afternoon . I got my first K9 foster dog today as planned and spent the afternoon giving her a bath and all the pets flea and tick treatments and her some extra TLC . Max absolutely adores her . She was here when he woke up from his nap and he got giddy excited and " played " with her all afternoon , even offered her some of his precious " la la juice " ( Orange ) that he rarely gets . But , it reinforced my decision that I 'm not ready to add another pet to the family right now . I 'm very happy to foster and feel really good about being able to help , but not ready to take on a full commitment . Her name is Kristen . Yes , I thought it was OTI ( which I thought was a bit odd , but hey ) , but it turns out that OTI stands for owner turn it . . . lol . . looks like a whole new lingo I need to learn . I 'm only suppose to have Kristen for a day or two . A family is supposed to come by tomorrow afternoon to meet her and possibly adopt her . If not , the person who " rescued " Kristen said she has 3 other families interested in her . Anyway , I barely got to sit down and relax on this vacation . I was hoping for a few hours here and there , but that didn 't really happen . I 'm fine with that . I feel like I made good use and got so much accomplished that I am proud of myself and what I have done . Now , I have two days of work to catch up on . Then , I 'm hosting a party on Saturday afternoon . Then , hopefully a day of rest with no big plans . And , then , life gets back to the normal routine . Whatever that is . Yeah , yeah , I know I have said this before , but given the choice and money not being an issue , I would so be a stay at home mom in a second . I wish everyPosted by Looks like I am going to be a foster momma for the first time tomorrow for Oti . I 'm only supposed to have her for a few days . She is being turned in by one family tomorrow and the new family is supposed to adopt her on Thursday or Friday . I had my home visit on Saturday and was approved to be a foster home for dogs from the Golden Retriever Club of Greater Los Angeles Rescue and I already have a placement . With a dog , a cat , a kid , and working from home full time , I seem to be a very good foster home for these dogs as they make the transition . I 'm looking forward to it . Today is 7 dpo and if implantation had occured , assuming there was anything to implant , it would be complete by now . I had blood drawn today for progesterone , some kidney and liver blood tests for the metformin I 'm on , and I added a fasting insulin test just to see how things are going . The funny thing is I went out to lunch today with a friend who was running late and ordered and drank 2 / 3 's of a glass of sangria before I remembered I was in a 2ww , then decided to finish it off anyway . I also sat in a 95 degree jucuzzi yesterday with Max at a pool party . Taking the anti - 2ww to far ? Ha , no way this last cycle worked . Vacation has been going well . Just busy with home and gardening projects , social engagments , and Max . Two more days . Yeah . Took a break from gardening this morning due to errands and attend Max 's music class which was nice . Then , went and bought another $ 100 worth of plants to get in the ground between now and Wednesday . I 'm proud of myself for building a new table top for my glass patio table that broke in the winds earlier in the year . I just didn 't want to spend $ 300 to get the glass replaced ( spent that on plants the last week ) so I got some particle board , spray paint , and polyurithane cut it out with a jig saw . It looks pretty good for what I need except for the whole in the center which is slightly off . But , I bought a chissle today that I hope will fix it without damaging . In addition the the music class today , I went to Max 's MYGYM class on Friday . We went to the train depot on Saturday morning and had a grand time seing 3 trains go in and out . Sunday , we couldn 't get motivated for church , but did so to go to Travel Town for the first time and Max had is first train ride . He absoultly loved it and didn 't want to leave . He was in awe and quite during the train ride and when we walked around the big , real trains . Then , he started yelling " choo choo twain " to everyone he saw or " Cho cho twain . It 's coming . " when he heard the wistle with giddy excitment . It was so darn cute . We will be going back agaPosted by Other than my current splitting headache which is likely weather / dehydration related and missing my dog Lucky who hated 4th of July and all of its fireworks and loud popping noises with a nervous passion , today may have been the perfect day . It was fairly low key with just the right amount of busy mixed in with a trip to the nursery for me and a trip to the train depot for Max in the morning and a visit from Nanna that included swimming , backyard play with the hose , and dinner out in the afternoon . Max is in his crib ( late ) , the house is picked up , the dishwasher ready to run , and I 'm ready to cuddle in with a good book . I couldn 't have asked for a better day . And , it is my first day of vacation . I 'm looking forward to tomorrow with a morning of gardening and a late lunch with a girlfriend with Friday 's plans the same except with a different friend . Perfect . Way back in the beginning of my ttc efforts , I used to get a rush during and right after an IUI . After all , it could happen this time . I would envision the swimmers and egg meeting up like in the Look Who 's Talking movie . I would calculate about when conception would occur , if it was going to happen . I 'd keep in mind the little embryo as it made its slow journey down the fallopian tubes towards a nice soft implantation . How long ago that now seems and how far I have come . After the IUI this morning while waiting there for the swimmers to settle in and start their race , all I wanted to do is get up and leave and / or cry . The receptionist was in by the time I left and wanted to know why I wasn 't my chipper self , but still I held the tears back as I explained that I was pissed because of my bodies response that was giving me every indication that it was time to give up and I still wasn 't ready yet . I managed to hold the tears back until I was walking away from the clinic down the hall and I heard one of them say " Poor Debbie " . Great , now I have the pity of the staff on top of everything else . This cycle has so little chance of working that I am considering it a failure early and moving on . If it does happen to work , it will be even more of a miracle that my cycle that resulted in Max . I 'll still start progesterone in a few days for the minuet chance it did work since the chance is above zero , but mentally I 'm moving on . I 'm not just being hormonal and pessimistic here . There are reasons and what I would consider good reasons to feel like the cycle in the crapper , so to speak . Top 3 Reasons for an Anti - 2ww1 ) My eggs are old and crappy on the best of cycles with low Inhibin B , elevated Insulin , and such not helping matters . The odds of this month producing the good egg is even reduced from an already low probability with having after being on stims for 5 days with zero response and then getting a follicle . 2 ) The follicle had already ovulated , again , at the time of IUI this morning . This really f ' ing pissPosted by |
Hi my name is Melissa and I would like to share something with you . First of all I love this site , many of the stories touch my heart and bring tears to my eyes . This past summer I lost one of my Best friends in the whole world , my Mother . Ever sense I was little I can remember her telling me about the night that I was born . I guess that my Auntie Joan was over visiting and her and my Mother were playing cards at the kitchen table when my Mom went in to labor with me . My Dad was at work , so they called him and told him to rush home because he had to bring my Mom to the hospital . While on the way there my Mom was in the back seat and my Auntie was yelling at my Dad to drive faster , but he couldn 't go any faster because there was a BLIZZARD going on and the roads were snow covered and very icy . Well everyone got to the hospital ok and I was born on December1 , 1981 . Like I was saying , I lost my Mother this past July due to cancer , but the night before my birthday , before I went to sleep I actually prayed for the first time since she died . What I said was this , " Mom if you are up there and you can hear me , all I want for my Birthday is snow , big fat pretty snow flakes . " Then I went to sleep not thinking a lot about it . But when I woke up the morning of my Birthday it was snowing , and they were big fat pretty snow flakes . Some people will tell you that it all has to do with the weather patterns in the mid - west this time of year . But I like to think that she is up there watching over the family and I and , sent those just for me . Thanks for giving me the chance to share with you . In my friends case he was fully awake , and had gone trough a phase in his life that opened up his inner spirituality to new possibilities , and thus gaining the new insight needed to turn his fears and phobias liquid and dispose of them . In my own case I was fully awake also and I had not been on any drugs of any sort , but I was at that time very ill , as the black mist left me I felt fully rejuvenated and was better than I had been for 8 months within almost an instant . And to this day the blackness that seemed to dwell in me just like in my friend never returned . When I was a kid my family lived in Connecticut . In our community there were no rich people . My family however , had it better then most . Three doors down from our house lived a family that was not on welfare or anything , but I can say at the end of each month when all their bills and rent were paid there was no money left over at all and some months there was not enough money to pay rent , all the bills and buy food . In that house lived a family with two kids , Jason which was 12 years old and my best friend and Sheena which was 5 . Now , I remember one - year things were so thigh that they had no money for Christmas . I still remember how Jason 's Mother borrowed $ 20 . 00 from my Mom so she could buy her children each one small Christmas gift . Since Jason 's Dad could not afford a Christmas tree he went out and found a big branch cut from another tree , put a string of lights on it and an angel on the top . On Christmas Eve afternoon Jason and Sheena 's Mom sat in the living room of their very modest home looking at the poor excuse of a Christmas tree crying because she wanted Christmas to be special for her kids . She was so sad and heart broken . Sheena walked up to her Mother and crawled up in her lap and gave her Mom a big hug asking her why she was crying and her Mom replied because we have no food left and I wanted this to be a Happy Christmas . Upon hearing that , Sheena told her Mother that she shouldn 't cry and that this would be the best Christmas ever . Her Mother asked Sheena how she could know that and Sheena replied that the angel told her so . Shocked by what she had just heard Sheena 's asked her what angel and Sheena pointed to the so - called Christmas tree and said that angel mommy . Not wanting to discourage Sheena , her Mother forced a smile and said that 's right honey ; this will be the best Christmas ever because I have you and you 're brother and daddy . When they arrived home Sheen 's Mom walked into the house to find that in the kitchen there was food . So much food that they could eat for a week . There were pies and cakes all sorts of vegetables and milk and juice . Also in the fridge was a huge turkey just waiting to be cooked in the oven . Shocked and surprised , she took Sheena to her room and put her to bed and returned to the kitchen and her son and husband stood there in awe . They all three walked into the living room and found a 6ft tree all decorated and with plenty of gifts under the tree . Sheen 's Mom remembered what little Sheena had said about the angel and , as Sheena 's mom looked up at the angel , she saw a glow leave the top of the tree and float to Sheena 's room and stay there . Sheena 's Mother began to cry tears of joy . No one ever found out where the tree , gifts and , food came from . So , you see my friends there are really angels , always looking out for us and protecting us . We just have to learn how to let them into our lives . One day my grandmother asked my mother to go pick ti leaves , so my mother went around looking for some . My mother noticed that the vacant house next door had an abundance of ti leaves growing in their backyard , so she decided to save time by picking all the leaves she needed there . She noticed that the ti leaves were planted in a circle and thought that was a little weird , but that did not stop her . When my mother got home , my grandmother was trilled to see all the ti leaves and asked my mother " where did you get them from ? " My mother responded " Oh , I got them from next door . " My grandmother 's mouth dropped open and immediately called the medicine man . When the medicine man arrived my grandmother quickly told him him the situation and they both started rubbing my mother down with a special ointment that was made by the medicine man . My mother was so confused on what was going on . She remembers that as night came my grandmother and medicine man surrounded her in the living room and started to do their ritual . The medicine man chanted in a foreign language and my grandmother being a devout catholic , prayed . My mother remembers that all of a sudden all the windows and doors started rattling like someone was trying to get in , but my grandmother and the medicine man kept on with their ritual until it all stopped . The next morning my grandmother explained to my mother that the ti leaves she picked were in a circular pattern for a reason . They were surrounding an ancient Hawaiian burial ground for evil kahunas ( Hawaiian priest or traditional healer ) of long ago . The Ti leaves that my mother picked were planted there long ago by ancient Hawaiians to keep the evil spirits from roaming free , so when my mother picked them she released those spirits . This happened to my father and his cousin back in Samoa when they were about 15 years old , and like any ordinary island child they loved to swim . In Samoa , they have a curfew for the village people to be in the house by 6 or 7 p . m . to do prayer . So around that time the officials of the village would ring a bell or blow a conch shell to inform that curfew was in effect . It was not only forbidden by law but was forbidden because around that time , the ancestral spirits would roam free and anyone could be " taken " at that time . My father , being a trouble maker decided that he and his cousin would hide out on the beach so they could swim throughout the night . Well as they swam , they started to see the torches and knew right away that the officials were getting ready to enforce curfew . So they hid and kept the noise down until the officials went back into their houses . That was a stupid mistake . While they were celebrating in the water for not being caught my father and his cousin started to notice a faint sound in the distance on the beach . They tried to look who it was that was making the noise but they couldn 't figure that out . As the people started getting closer , they could see that they were chanting and holding torches so they assumed it was the officials doing another round of enforcing curfew . Then they noticed the people were wearing clothes of way back in the day and the chanting was actually of an older Samoan language that was hardly used . My father knew right away that something was wrong , so he convinced his cousin that they should hurry back to their house . While returning home they felt for some reason like they were being held by some kind of force because these men kept getting closer and closer even though my father and cousin was running faster and faster . Eventually they reached home and my grandmother and some of the other elders of the family were waiting impatiently for them . As soon as they got there , my grandmother could see what had happening , so she quickly rinsed my father and his cousin off with fresh water to get the salt water scent away from them . She hurried as fast as she could because she could see the spirits coming closer and closer . As they were only a few feet away my grandmother just finished washing my father and cousin off . Then when see looked up the spirits were gone . AT this point my grandmother stared crying . She beat m father and cousin and explained that the curfew was not only for the purpose of the officials but for the respect of the spirits that walked around at night . She told my father they had just disrespected our ancestors . And she explained how lucky they were that she was there to know how to handle the situation because this had also happened to her when she was a young girl . My father and his cousin from that day never broke curfew and till this day , they look back on that event and wonder what if ? A long time ago , roughly 30 - 40 years ago , my great aunt experienced a life - changing event . My aunt was always known from what I have heard as the meanest person around . One day she was riding the bus home from work like she always did and as usual she was tired , grumpy , and anxious to get home . Well on her way home she met an older , homeless lady that asked her for a dollar . Like always , my aunt not only rudely refused the old lady , but she also had some hard words for her and went about her way , the old lady bitterly said to my aunt " That is going to cost you more than a dollar ! " . As her bus came to her final stop , she could see her husband , my uncle waiting for her like he always did and that is all she remembers from that day . Well my uncle then told us that as my aunt exits the bus , he was there waiting for her as always , but this time it was different because as my aunt got off the bus , she suddenly collapsed . My uncle not knowing what was going on carried my aunt to her father . He then said that as they put her on the floor of the living room , she not only started speaking in a deep voice but was in a language they have never heard . My great - grandfather knew right away that my aunt was possessed by " something " . My great - grandfather called the family medicine man , my grandma who was a devout catholic , and some of the male family members to restrain her . As the medicine man came , he started doing his rituals and my grandmother started praying . As this session went on , my aunt started screaming in a demonic voice and she suddenly had such great force that it was hard for the men over 300lbs and 6 feet tall to hold this petite lady of 5 feet . After a few hours , she came to and without any knowledge of what just happened . My great - grandfather then told her what happened and that she could have died if it weren 't for all these people that were there . She then explained the events of prior to her getting home and immediately my great - grandfather said . " That 's why you should never be mean to a stranger . " My friend use to every once in a while wear cologne . I forget what the brand name of it was but I will never forget the smell of it . I do remember him telling me it was a very expensive cologne . I am sure it was because my friend one one of these guys that every hair had to be in place and his clothes always had to looked freshly pressed . The cologne he at times would wear was really nice and I never have sensed the smell of it again since his death until late last night . I was sitting outside late night on the porch . I notice the scent of his cologne for the first time in 12 years . I looked and their was no one near me . I felt good about it but also felt lonely so , I went inside and up the stairs and went to bed . I tried to sleep but couldn 't . I tossed and turned for two hours . Then all of a sudden , it seemed as if the scent of his cologne filled my bedroom . I got out of bed and turned the light on . looking around to see where all this was coming from . I went down stairs and the scent was every where . I knew at that point something was up but I went back upstairs and thought the only thing I could do was go back to bed . We all hear and see so much today about the paranormal . I have found that a lot of folks get confused about what actually is and is not paranormal . I decided to do a entry about the term paranormal to hopefully help clear that situation for anyone who may get the definition confused . The definition of paranormal is simply . . . A experience that can not be explained by logic or by science . The paranormal comes in many different forms . There is Remote Viewing , Extra Sensory Perception ( ESP ) , UFO 's , Aliens , Ultraterrestrials , Telekinesis , Reincarnations , Ghosts , Precognition , Demons and Angels only to name a few . So , there you go . People all over this world claim to have had one or more of these situations happen to them . They do happen . I have had my own experiences with a few of them myself . the thing about them is They are for real but we can not explain them through science or logic . That makes all these PARANORMAL . We know what happens however , we don 't know why or exactly what makes any of these situations happen . There are many more events that are considered paranormal . However , in the interest of time I will save them for a later blog entries . Many events are at first considered to be paranormal later to be debunked , and be considered to be perinormal or determined to be a real phenomena , one example of this is EMF ( Electromagnetic Field ) which for a long time was not acknowledged to be a real phenomena at all by science . Today let us examine the term Perinormal Phenomena . Perinormal comes from the words Peri meaning near and normal ( near - normal ) . Basically , the term Perinormal Phenomena means it is something that comes up in an investigation that at first cannot be explained by science or logic by the investigators . Therefore that event , may be it a sound or a shadow or whatever , is labeled paranormal . So during a so called haunting , allot of things are labeled paranormal at first . However in doing the evidence review and other test , sometimes some things considered paranormal often become Perinormal . Another example experienced by a lady named Eva , later proved to be Perinormal ( see Angel Feathers ) . I once worked with a young man that was married and had one child . His name is Danny . We became instant friends at work , when we went out we would be taking his wife and my gf along and do things like bowling , movies and BBQ 's . The four of us became very good friends . I didn 't know this at the time but , Danny 's mother had been murdered several years ago when he was like 7 years old . At this time he was a 27 year old outgoing , friendly , and caring person . On night Danny 's wife called and was asking for help . She told me that all day long Danny had been walking around talking to his dead mother and she could not seem to bring him out of it . His wife was very concerned and said that if either her or their little girl would say anything to Danny , He just ignored and continued walking all around talking to his deceased mother . His wife was beginning to think that Danny was loosing it . My girl friend and I went directly over to Danny 's house . Once there we found Danny walking all through the one story home talking to what seemed to be his deceased mother . I walked over to Danny and ask him if he was OK and I put my hand on his shoulder , he just kept on walking and talking like I was not even there . He would walk around and talk to her and then would be quiet as he waited for her reply . Now Danny did not do drugs and , he didn 't drink either . I ask his wife if he was on any medication and she answered no . I kept hearing Danny asking his mother about a ring . I quickly called his sister who lives in another state and ask her if she knew what he was talking about . Her answer was that when their mother was buried , his sister put a ring on her finger for her to be buried with . She put the ring ( The mother 's wedding ring ) on her finger right before the casket was closed and locked , several people saw this . His sister also told me that after the service , Danny said to her that his their mom had promised him the ring . His mother told him that when he became older she would give him the ring for good luck & love in his life . It really was the only thing Danny had to remember his mother by . I still thought Danny was loosing it and I told my girl friend to call 911 . As she did that , she came back from the phone call asking what was this ring she found on the table beside the phone . When Danny saw the ring he started to cry and just kept thanking his mother for it . The ambulance arrived and did take Danny to the hospital and he was diagnosed with having an extreme anxiety spell . Now here is the thing . . . Three days later when Danny 's sister arrived she confirmed that the ring my girl friend found was indeed their mother 's wedding ring . However , their mother was indeed buried with the ring on her finger . So , how did the ring get there on the phone stand ? Was Danny really talking to his mother and was she really answering him back ? All I know for sure is as I stated before , Danny ; s sister did confirm the ring my girl friend found was indeed Danny 's mother 's wedding ring . We also know , the ring was on his mother 's finger at the time of burial . guess we will never know where that ring came from . Poltergeist activity is usually brought on by a persons ones own mind , caused under stress of some sort such as fear , anger , or , a strong feeling of helplessness . Not every person will have the experience . As a matter of fact , it happens to very few people . Although , for a person who does indeed have these experiences , they usually have them more then once in their life time . A poltergeist experience can make light bulbs explode , noisy knocking sounds , make electrical equipment malfunction and , make objects move or levitate without anyone being near the object . That sort of experience is very real for some people . The bad part of that is , people who do have a poltergeist experience , have no control over it . It happens when it happens and cannot be controlled and happens to female teenagers more so then to males . It has been debated though if the poltergeist phenomena is because of spirits harnessing the energy from emotionally teens or if the teens themselves have telekinetic abilities without knowing about it . Photo by PJ , Norway 2001 Lets start with the part when everything became bizzare . I was asking a friend of mine what was wrong and he kept saying . " They are out to kill me , they are out to kill me ! " It all happened too fast to realize what was going on , but then it all makes sense , the instant he shares with me that he had taken ecstasy Mixed with his alcohol intake and who knows what else might have been in the pill he was now in a paranoid phase , and he could hear the others plotting against him being killed in his mind . Half way up the hallway we hear a scream , and what sounded like something falling bringing parts of the room with itself the inside of the small bathroom . With the help of another guest we manage to unlock the bathroom and find our drunk friend passed out on the floor covered in dust and debris from the ceiling , it looked like he had literally tried to climb out of the bathroom by climbing through the ceiling using the sink as a stand , slipped and caused part of the very same ceiling to collapse down on him . We dusted him off and asked if he was OK , he answered us briefly , and seemed unharmed , and cooperatively followed us as we began extracting him over to the neighbor building to let him sober up , away from the party that he already had made a pretty good mess out of . After this it became more bizarre , I had not had anything to drink and neither did my other friend which got involved . As a telepath I already knew there was a lot of anger in the minds of the other guests and while my friend went on rambling about what he thought the others was doing I noticed his thoughts were rambling on , and I felt he tried to read my mind too , I responded instantly by shouting in my mind for him to stay away from my thoughts , he jumped back in response . I was certain that what he experienced was real , in some level it had opened up his mind to hearing the angry thoughts of all the ones around him , not being use to this and in an already paranoid state he became convinced they weren 't only thinking about killing him , but was actually trying to do so . The next few hours went on working on calming him down , repeatedly using forced docileness and convince him that no one was out to kill him , after I managed to get him away from the party to one of the other buildings where my other friend helped him we were finally able to calm him down . At one point he even asked me if I thought he was crazy . To that I responded , you are obviously not in your best state of mind , you will feel better when you sober up . All of this must seem impossible to someone that does not have telepathic or even empathic abilities like myself , but I can assure you this was no joke . It was as real as it could get . Eventually he calmed enough down that we were able to bring him home , the next day he had forgotten pretty much everything of the happenings of the night before . This is a story from Sandy in Hamilton , Ohio . My mother had a paranormal experience when she was 16 she told me that she and her friends were out joyriding in her friends car , my mom had said this was on a friday night , around 11 or so , like most teens they got bored and decided to go up to Rosehill Cemetery which isn 't far from my home , mom also stated that the friends car was parked close to the huge black iron gate on the other side there was a lighted cross . She said her and her friends were talking and she had said that she felt someone tapping on her shoulder and when she turn around there was a apparition of a girl dressed in the 50 's style clothing . She stated her friends saw it too and they were so scared that the got in the car and drove home . Although theres a story of a young girl who was walking to a prom and was hit by a car , I don 't know if It 's the same girl who knows , but however , I do go to that cemetery a lot and it still creeps me out , I always feel like I 'm being watched . Then ehen she became an adult she moved to what is still her current place of living , in Northern Norway . She immediately recognized the landscape she had been seeing all these years . She had never seen it before other than in her mind , and she had not even ever met her grandfather but she knew this was where he lived , haunted wildlife , gathered berries and went fishing , she felt like she had actually come home . I have myself had similar experiences , when I first went to Oslo as a 17 year old I immediately recognized the older parts which several of my ancestors used to dwell inn , I recognized the streets well enough that I was even able to orient myself showing my aunt which had not been there either how to get around the city . went abroad I suddenly found all these places my seafaring ancestors has been to before me , I was able to recognize it as images of areas that I had seen in my mind before , not pictures in books but real landscape , memories with smells , sounds , the feeling of the winds attached to them . Some of them I even painted as a kid in great details , down to the type lava rocks that does not exist in Norway . Was these experiences reincarnation or past life regressions ? Perhaps ancestral memories are part of the same or they might be different , could it even have been remote viewing or other psychic phenomena involved , possibly . To me it felt like the information was from my relatives of the past , not some disjunct existing person not related to me in any way . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Remember to check out our Paranormal Corner Online Store and if you have story you would like us to look into for posting in our blog contact us at waikikiblogboi @ gmail . com - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Photo by PJ , Honolulu , Hawaii 2005A family is like the rocks of this wall , every rock is part of a larger whole , if one remove a few rocks the wall would change , perhaps making the wall crumble , perhaps the rocks took a different path becoming the foundation to a home , or never left the nature it used to part of . Growing up in a very active house , surrounded by a family which took spirits for granted . I knew from a early age about all of these stories of those before me and how they used to encounter , seek out and help the spirits of anyone which requested them to do so . The most prominent ones were my grandfather and his brother ( The Psychic Ghosthunter Twins ) on my fathers side . While my grandfather knew spirits , my grand uncle saw , together they were quite a team and very well known for their talent . They found their ability to sense spirits when they were just a little boys . Not only did they know and see the spirit , but also knew how to help them , chase them away if it was being troublesome or even give them sanctuary in case of nice spirits that were being pestered by the new inhabitants of his or her old home . Which is one of the reasons my grandfather 's home had so many spirits to begin with . Whenever there was a haunting they were called to help , I never met my grand uncle but my grandfather kept on taking care of ghosts long after their ways split apart . Even at the age of 94 my grandfather still helped settle the restless ghost of his son - in - law when it was scaring his newest great grand child . I do not know if there was others before my grandfather , in my family but I am pretty sure there was a few , seeing how common the ability of psychic talents and spirit sense seems to be among my close current living relatives . I also have Ghost hunters on my mothers side , my mother being one of them , even though my mother never searched out ghosts they usually came to her and she helps them out . And her grandmother , my great grandmother were also a known source when it came to handling ghosts . So put it mildly , I have it in my blood . His mom passed on when she was 84 years old and up until the very end she was very active and and of sound mind . I knew his mother and she was a very sweet lady . I never saw my brother - in - law grieve . One night while he and I were driving down the road he told me his story . He told me that sometimes when he walks past the mirror in the up stairs hallway , His mother appears to him in the mirror . As i stated in the beginning of this article , I simply thought it was his way of grieving over the loss of his mother . I listened to his story and I told him it was all because he missed her and , that in time he wouldn 't see her in the mirror . I was not even thinking about what he told me a month earlier but , when I came out of the bathroom and walked back down the hallway to the stairs , I passed the mirror and I saw his mother for just maybe two seconds in the mirror and then she just faded away . I didn 't say anything to him about it but , about an hour later his sister came home and went up stairs and we heard her scream . he and I ran up the stairs just in time to see his mother smile and then fade away into the mirror again . He hugged his sister and told her not to be upset because it was just mom making sure we are all OK . The three of us talked about it for a while and then it was never brought up again except for once in a while he would smile and just say . I saw Mom today . For those that like to put someone in a neat box I am a strong Claircognizant Empathic Medium and Healer . But more so than a psychic I am foremost a skeptic , whenever I have a vision , vibe or experience I always go trough a long array of alternative possibilities in my mind and If I find any alternative possible non - paranormal solution or a way to check up on my experience in a controlled manner I would do so . My friends considers me to be one of the most down to earth and logical people they know . Also I think one always should keep ones mind on what one want to achieve , and what I consider to be my goal in life , to make it better thus , if I see a way that I can help in anyway I do . As a young psychic child I went through a period of my life when I studied everything I could about the paranormal , while also at the same time studying religions and science of all sorts . At this time I actually refused to read fiction since I considered it to be of little use . It felt good to explore oneself and at the same time find examples that one was not alone in the world with the gift , other than in my immediate family , since my mother , grandfather , and several of my aunts and cousins are psychics . Though none of them actually studied the field like I did . Later in High School I was confident enough that I would do readings for at first friends and later anybody at my school that was curious in my hometown of Vadsø in Northern Norway . Mainly focusing on my favorite tools , palm reading , tarot cards , and using my natural ability to notice and see things of past , present and future . What shocked me when I first started doing readings was how easily people would basically accept almost anything and give feedback in the readings , adding additional information that I had not gained using my own psychic ability . This is what is often referred to as cold readings information , while what my ability provided me with is called hot reading information . At this point I got confirmed my own skeptic view of the paranormal that many people , especially those that do seek those that claim to have ESP ( extra sensory perception ) would also be those most easily fooled by any psychics that would be either using all cold readings or hot readings with various degrees of cold readings to make their readings more sensational than it otherwise would have been . This experience , the gift of tongue was something a close friend of mine experienced . His experience was not like when Pentecostals speak in tongue and fall into a trance babbling words which have no meaning , contributed to be by the divine inspiration of the holy ghost . In my friends experience , which was for a period of three month five years ago , given the gift to read and understand any modern or ancient language , the scientific term for this is Xenoglossy . The voice that spoke , which also gave it 's name soon proved not to be the good it claimed to be , but even after he denounced it and refused to accept its " gift " . He described how he had to work really hard to avoid using the gift of tongue until it slowly dispatched into normal language skills . When I checked the name with him it proved to of an ancient Sumerian entity of evil , demonic , I will not repeat the name and avoid remembering it because such evil could be awakened if one open up the door that was to shut back 5 years ago . This is in part of another of my entries , The Possessed Role Play Game Book . One night not to long ago , I could not sleep . Everything seemed OK I guess , I just couldn 't sleep . I got out of bed to go to the bathroom and on my way back to bed I heard a voice call my name . It was just a whisper but it was my name . I looked around and saw no one . I crawled back into bed and attempted to sleep but , I had no luck with that . Once again , I heard a voice whisper my name . It was a female voice . I sat up in bed and turned the light on . As I looked around once again I saw no one . for some reason I was not afraid but , I was curious as to what I was hearing . I laid back down and this time I let the bedroom light on . I was laying there and a few feet away from my bed is a rocking chair that was my Mother 's when she was alive . She has been dead for 10 years . As I looked in the direction of the chair I saw my Mother sitting there . I sat straight up in bed and I was in a state of shock I think . She was not transparent , her body looked as if she was alive . She told me to stay in bed that , she had just come to tell me something . She wanted to tell me that she was OK and she was very happy where she was . She told me that she knew I was worried about her but , I shouldn 't worry . She blew me a kiss as she use to do when I was a little boy and then she was gone . I didn 't sleep at all that night but it was worth loosing a nights worth of sleep . In Hawaiian mythology one have a Fire Goddess that is the creator of volcanoes . She protects the volcano islands of Hawaii and the lava rocks that came from volcanoes on all islands of the state . Her name is Pele . As legend has it , if you take a lava rock out of Hawaii , Pele becomes angered and you will have bad luck in your life until the rock is returned to it 's rightful place . It is also illegal to take lava rocks away from the islands . I have a friend who , was hiking on the big Island with his Mother and I . His auntie lived in California . She thought Hawaii was so beautiful she wished she could take a little bit of Hawaii home with her and she did just that . she packed one of the lava rocks and took it home with her . She did not know about the legend so she thought nothing at all about taking the rock home to California . Once she got home , her bad luck started . She lost her job , her car was stolen , her rent was increased and she became ill . All with in two weeks of being home . She called her sister and as they were talking about things her sister asked her if she might have taken a lava rock back home with her . When she said yes , she did take one home , her sister told her to mail it back to her at once and she explained the legend to her . Now , she did as her sister had asked and mailed the rock back to her in Hawaii . Once the rock arrived here it was taken and put back where it was taken from . My friend 's Auntie started to have good luck again almost right away . Her illness was gone , she found a great job and , she was able to find a nice place at lower rent then what she was paying . Also , within a week after the rock was returned , she met the man that would become her husband . So if you go to Hawaii , go ahead and admire it 's beauty and have a great time . Just leave the lava rocks here where they belong . I also found out that Hawaii is not the only place where taking volcanic rocks are supposed to bring you bad luck , the Island of Iceland in Europe has the same happen to them though they do not have a volcano goddess as in Hawaii they have a belief that the land itself would curse you , it is also illegal to take rocks from Iceland just like in Hawaii too . The ability also provides information into plant physiology , and a special perceptiveness when it comes to noticing anything with and connected to plant life , which I use to check and control if it seems reasonable . When it comes to information of ancient Norwegian and Sami herbalism , I feel is shared with me from my great grandmother which was lifetime herbalist and healer , as her ancestors before her . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Remember to check out our Paranormal Corner Online Store and if you have story you would like us to look into for posting in our blog contact us at waikikiblogboi @ gmail . com - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Several years ago back in PA . My friend and I took my new car out for a ride . We were just driving around and after about two hours of driving , I took my friend home and dropped him off at his house . The distance from town where we were driving around to my friend 's house was six miles . As soon as we got to the very edge of town , we saw a woman walking along the road . She was walking the same direction as we were driving and as we passed her I would say she looked to be in her 50 's or early 60 's . It only took a few minutes to get to my friend 's house . As we pulled into his driveway , his father came out and asked if I could give him a ride to the service station in town as he had to pick up his car after having it worked on . I said that I would be happy to take him into town and he got in my car and we backed out of the driveway . This time she waved us down and asked if we could give her a ride into town . I told her she was walking the wrong direction to get into town but , she looked very tired and so I said sure , hop in the back and we will give you a ride . She crawled into the back seat and we were on our way In a minute we were approaching a sharp curve I started to slow down and as I we approached the curve the women yelled for me to pull over now , she yelled pull off the road , our lives are in danger . Even though I had no clue what she was talking about , I did as she said and pulled off to the side of the road . As soon as we were off to the side of the road , a huge garbage truck came around the curve very fast . It was right in the middle of the road , The truck was going so fast that I could see the driver struggling to keep the truck under control . As soon as the garbage truck had made it past us , I turned around to ask the woman if she was alright and to ask her how she knew that truck was coming because it was impossible to see around that curve . To my astonishment and to my friend 's father 's astonishment , She wasn 't there ! She was just gone . I even went back the way we came to see if she somehow got out of the car and there was no sign of her at all . We were dumfounded , both myself and my friend 's dad . With no clue as to what just happened , we turned around and headed back towards town . As we got to the very edge of town , there was this very same woman walking along the road again , headed out of town as she was the first time I saw her . I slowed down and I started shaking and sweating a very nervous type of shake as I drove past her . I was in that condition because , I didn 't understand what had just happened or why it happened to me . However , I did and still do understand that , whatever it was that happened , It was in now way normal and , I believe this woman not to be of this world ! Princess Märtha Louise is the oldest child of King Harald V of Norway . Princess Märtha Louise has been firm on creating her own career than living out her royalty , even going as far as letting her younger brother take the throne , in spite that the rules of succession were changed in 1990 from oldest male heir to oldest heir , which offered the two royal heirs to make it count from their generation or the next . And later , when she married Ari Behn , a commoner and author of books , she accepted to no longer have the rank of Royal princess , just princess . As a result of pursuing a career , Princess Märtha Louise is a certified physiotherapist who has also followed a career in writing of books and readings of fairy tales . In June 2007 , she came forward announcing that she is and always been a psychic . She also has always had a gift of animal affinity , and she say hers gift has grown to where it is today . This caused quite some stir in Norway , as many residents grew up watching the Royal Princess on TV all their lives and felt having a special connection with her . In popular polls , more than half of the people believed her when she said she is a psychic and was starting up an angel school to help others unlock their inner psychic abilities . Being a psychic myself knowing that the princess had the courage to come forward and follow her own ways felt like a blessing in its own , knowing that one now shared something truly special with the princess . Märtha Louise has had these experiences all her life , even though up to that day she had not shared it in the public press . The Princess ' Angel School is called Asarte Education , and its main focus is teaching different forms of healing , readings , unlocking your own abilities and learning how to communicate with angels . My most common statement whenever I was asked how I knew this or that was I just know it , I could not explain where I got it from It was just there . When it came to math , it did actually get me in some trouble with the teachers since I had a hard time understanding why they wanted me to write all the other parts in between the mathematical problem and the answer which I already knew the instant i took a look at it . In the beginning I did just that , wrote the answer and went on to the next one , It was almost always right but I was still unable to explain to the teacher how I ended up with the solution . My mother described the same problem when she went to school as she is a claircognizant psychic like me . As I grew older I used my psychic talent to give instant answers to almost any question more as entertainment , my friends loved to see if they could nail me catching me giving wrong answers or not finding one . Most of the time they had to give up on since more they were the ones that run out of questions . Other times I just enjoyed spooking my chemistry class by giving the answer to the exact amount of a compound down to the last mg or the answer to a tricky chemical stoichiometry equations by giving it when we started , write it down in the corner as proof and then go the slow and hard process of calculating it all which sometimes took hours . One time in particular , I remember that the answer was different than in my instant suggestion , and it turned out it was indeed correct but we had done the calculations wrong , and when we figured that out we ended up on my psychic suggested answer . Privacy Policy for www . paranormal - corner . blogspot . com If you require any more information or have any questions about our privacy policy , please feel free to contact us by email at waikikiblogboi @ gmail . com . 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Hi my name is Melissa and I would like to share something with you . First of all I love this site , many of the stories touch my heart and bring tears to my eyes . This past summer I lost one of my Best friends in the whole world , my Mother . Ever sense I was little I can remember her telling me about the night that I was born . I guess that my Auntie Joan was over visiting and her and my Mother were playing cards at the kitchen table when my Mom went in to labor with me . My Dad was at work , so they called him and told him to rush home because he had to bring my Mom to the hospital . While on the way there my Mom was in the back seat and my Auntie was yelling at my Dad to drive faster , but he couldn 't go any faster because there was a BLIZZARD going on and the roads were snow covered and very icy . Well everyone got to the hospital ok and I was born on December1 , 1981 . Like I was saying , I lost my Mother this past July due to cancer , but the night before my birthday , before I went to sleep I actually prayed for the first time since she died . What I said was this , " Mom if you are up there and you can hear me , all I want for my Birthday is snow , big fat pretty snow flakes . " Then I went to sleep not thinking a lot about it . But when I woke up the morning of my Birthday it was snowing , and they were big fat pretty snow flakes . Some people will tell you that it all has to do with the weather patterns in the mid - west this time of year . But I like to think that she is up there watching over the family and I and , sent those just for me . Thanks for giving me the chance to share with you . In my friends case he was fully awake , and had gone trough a phase in his life that opened up his inner spirituality to new possibilities , and thus gaining the new insight needed to turn his fears and phobias liquid and dispose of them . In my own case I was fully awake also and I had not been on any drugs of any sort , but I was at that time very ill , as the black mist left me I felt fully rejuvenated and was better than I had been for 8 months within almost an instant . And to this day the blackness that seemed to dwell in me just like in my friend never returned . When I was a kid my family lived in Connecticut . In our community there were no rich people . My family however , had it better then most . Three doors down from our house lived a family that was not on welfare or anything , but I can say at the end of each month when all their bills and rent were paid there was no money left over at all and some months there was not enough money to pay rent , all the bills and buy food . In that house lived a family with two kids , Jason which was 12 years old and my best friend and Sheena which was 5 . Now , I remember one - year things were so thigh that they had no money for Christmas . I still remember how Jason 's Mother borrowed $ 20 . 00 from my Mom so she could buy her children each one small Christmas gift . Since Jason 's Dad could not afford a Christmas tree he went out and found a big branch cut from another tree , put a string of lights on it and an angel on the top . On Christmas Eve afternoon Jason and Sheena 's Mom sat in the living room of their very modest home looking at the poor excuse of a Christmas tree crying because she wanted Christmas to be special for her kids . She was so sad and heart broken . Sheena walked up to her Mother and crawled up in her lap and gave her Mom a big hug asking her why she was crying and her Mom replied because we have no food left and I wanted this to be a Happy Christmas . Upon hearing that , Sheena told her Mother that she shouldn 't cry and that this would be the best Christmas ever . Her Mother asked Sheena how she could know that and Sheena replied that the angel told her so . Shocked by what she had just heard Sheena 's asked her what angel and Sheena pointed to the so - called Christmas tree and said that angel mommy . Not wanting to discourage Sheena , her Mother forced a smile and said that 's right honey ; this will be the best Christmas ever because I have you and you 're brother and daddy . When they arrived home Sheen 's Mom walked into the house to find that in the kitchen there was food . So much food that they could eat for a week . There were pies and cakes all sorts of vegetables and milk and juice . Also in the fridge was a huge turkey just waiting to be cooked in the oven . Shocked and surprised , she took Sheena to her room and put her to bed and returned to the kitchen and her son and husband stood there in awe . They all three walked into the living room and found a 6ft tree all decorated and with plenty of gifts under the tree . Sheen 's Mom remembered what little Sheena had said about the angel and , as Sheena 's mom looked up at the angel , she saw a glow leave the top of the tree and float to Sheena 's room and stay there . Sheena 's Mother began to cry tears of joy . No one ever found out where the tree , gifts and , food came from . So , you see my friends there are really angels , always looking out for us and protecting us . We just have to learn how to let them into our lives . One day my grandmother asked my mother to go pick ti leaves , so my mother went around looking for some . My mother noticed that the vacant house next door had an abundance of ti leaves growing in their backyard , so she decided to save time by picking all the leaves she needed there . She noticed that the ti leaves were planted in a circle and thought that was a little weird , but that did not stop her . When my mother got home , my grandmother was trilled to see all the ti leaves and asked my mother " where did you get them from ? " My mother responded " Oh , I got them from next door . " My grandmother 's mouth dropped open and immediately called the medicine man . When the medicine man arrived my grandmother quickly told him him the situation and they both started rubbing my mother down with a special ointment that was made by the medicine man . My mother was so confused on what was going on . She remembers that as night came my grandmother and medicine man surrounded her in the living room and started to do their ritual . The medicine man chanted in a foreign language and my grandmother being a devout catholic , prayed . My mother remembers that all of a sudden all the windows and doors started rattling like someone was trying to get in , but my grandmother and the medicine man kept on with their ritual until it all stopped . The next morning my grandmother explained to my mother that the ti leaves she picked were in a circular pattern for a reason . They were surrounding an ancient Hawaiian burial ground for evil kahunas ( Hawaiian priest or traditional healer ) of long ago . The Ti leaves that my mother picked were planted there long ago by ancient Hawaiians to keep the evil spirits from roaming free , so when my mother picked them she released those spirits . This happened to my father and his cousin back in Samoa when they were about 15 years old , and like any ordinary island child they loved to swim . In Samoa , they have a curfew for the village people to be in the house by 6 or 7 p . m . to do prayer . So around that time the officials of the village would ring a bell or blow a conch shell to inform that curfew was in effect . It was not only forbidden by law but was forbidden because around that time , the ancestral spirits would roam free and anyone could be " taken " at that time . My father , being a trouble maker decided that he and his cousin would hide out on the beach so they could swim throughout the night . Well as they swam , they started to see the torches and knew right away that the officials were getting ready to enforce curfew . So they hid and kept the noise down until the officials went back into their houses . That was a stupid mistake . While they were celebrating in the water for not being caught my father and his cousin started to notice a faint sound in the distance on the beach . They tried to look who it was that was making the noise but they couldn 't figure that out . As the people started getting closer , they could see that they were chanting and holding torches so they assumed it was the officials doing another round of enforcing curfew . Then they noticed the people were wearing clothes of way back in the day and the chanting was actually of an older Samoan language that was hardly used . My father knew right away that something was wrong , so he convinced his cousin that they should hurry back to their house . While returning home they felt for some reason like they were being held by some kind of force because these men kept getting closer and closer even though my father and cousin was running faster and faster . Eventually they reached home and my grandmother and some of the other elders of the family were waiting impatiently for them . As soon as they got there , my grandmother could see what had happening , so she quickly rinsed my father and his cousin off with fresh water to get the salt water scent away from them . She hurried as fast as she could because she could see the spirits coming closer and closer . As they were only a few feet away my grandmother just finished washing my father and cousin off . Then when see looked up the spirits were gone . AT this point my grandmother stared crying . She beat m father and cousin and explained that the curfew was not only for the purpose of the officials but for the respect of the spirits that walked around at night . She told my father they had just disrespected our ancestors . And she explained how lucky they were that she was there to know how to handle the situation because this had also happened to her when she was a young girl . My father and his cousin from that day never broke curfew and till this day , they look back on that event and wonder what if ? A long time ago , roughly 30 - 40 years ago , my great aunt experienced a life - changing event . My aunt was always known from what I have heard as the meanest person around . One day she was riding the bus home from work like she always did and as usual she was tired , grumpy , and anxious to get home . Well on her way home she met an older , homeless lady that asked her for a dollar . Like always , my aunt not only rudely refused the old lady , but she also had some hard words for her and went about her way , the old lady bitterly said to my aunt " That is going to cost you more than a dollar ! " . As her bus came to her final stop , she could see her husband , my uncle waiting for her like he always did and that is all she remembers from that day . Well my uncle then told us that as my aunt exits the bus , he was there waiting for her as always , but this time it was different because as my aunt got off the bus , she suddenly collapsed . My uncle not knowing what was going on carried my aunt to her father . He then said that as they put her on the floor of the living room , she not only started speaking in a deep voice but was in a language they have never heard . My great - grandfather knew right away that my aunt was possessed by " something " . My great - grandfather called the family medicine man , my grandma who was a devout catholic , and some of the male family members to restrain her . As the medicine man came , he started doing his rituals and my grandmother started praying . As this session went on , my aunt started screaming in a demonic voice and she suddenly had such great force that it was hard for the men over 300lbs and 6 feet tall to hold this petite lady of 5 feet . After a few hours , she came to and without any knowledge of what just happened . My great - grandfather then told her what happened and that she could have died if it weren 't for all these people that were there . She then explained the events of prior to her getting home and immediately my great - grandfather said . " That 's why you should never be mean to a stranger . " My friend use to every once in a while wear cologne . I forget what the brand name of it was but I will never forget the smell of it . I do remember him telling me it was a very expensive cologne . I am sure it was because my friend one one of these guys that every hair had to be in place and his clothes always had to looked freshly pressed . The cologne he at times would wear was really nice and I never have sensed the smell of it again since his death until late last night . I was sitting outside late night on the porch . I notice the scent of his cologne for the first time in 12 years . I looked and their was no one near me . I felt good about it but also felt lonely so , I went inside and up the stairs and went to bed . I tried to sleep but couldn 't . I tossed and turned for two hours . Then all of a sudden , it seemed as if the scent of his cologne filled my bedroom . I got out of bed and turned the light on . looking around to see where all this was coming from . I went down stairs and the scent was every where . I knew at that point something was up but I went back upstairs and thought the only thing I could do was go back to bed . We all hear and see so much today about the paranormal . I have found that a lot of folks get confused about what actually is and is not paranormal . I decided to do a entry about the term paranormal to hopefully help clear that situation for anyone who may get the definition confused . The definition of paranormal is simply . . . A experience that can not be explained by logic or by science . The paranormal comes in many different forms . There is Remote Viewing , Extra Sensory Perception ( ESP ) , UFO 's , Aliens , Ultraterrestrials , Telekinesis , Reincarnations , Ghosts , Precognition , Demons and Angels only to name a few . So , there you go . People all over this world claim to have had one or more of these situations happen to them . They do happen . I have had my own experiences with a few of them myself . the thing about them is They are for real but we can not explain them through science or logic . That makes all these PARANORMAL . We know what happens however , we don 't know why or exactly what makes any of these situations happen . There are many more events that are considered paranormal . However , in the interest of time I will save them for a later blog entries . Many events are at first considered to be paranormal later to be debunked , and be considered to be perinormal or determined to be a real phenomena , one example of this is EMF ( Electromagnetic Field ) which for a long time was not acknowledged to be a real phenomena at all by science . Today let us examine the term Perinormal Phenomena . Perinormal comes from the words Peri meaning near and normal ( near - normal ) . Basically , the term Perinormal Phenomena means it is something that comes up in an investigation that at first cannot be explained by science or logic by the investigators . Therefore that event , may be it a sound or a shadow or whatever , is labeled paranormal . So during a so called haunting , allot of things are labeled paranormal at first . However in doing the evidence review and other test , sometimes some things considered paranormal often become Perinormal . Another example experienced by a lady named Eva , later proved to be Perinormal ( see Angel Feathers ) . I once worked with a young man that was married and had one child . His name is Danny . We became instant friends at work , when we went out we would be taking his wife and my gf along and do things like bowling , movies and BBQ 's . The four of us became very good friends . I didn 't know this at the time but , Danny 's mother had been murdered several years ago when he was like 7 years old . At this time he was a 27 year old outgoing , friendly , and caring person . On night Danny 's wife called and was asking for help . She told me that all day long Danny had been walking around talking to his dead mother and she could not seem to bring him out of it . His wife was very concerned and said that if either her or their little girl would say anything to Danny , He just ignored and continued walking all around talking to his deceased mother . His wife was beginning to think that Danny was loosing it . My girl friend and I went directly over to Danny 's house . Once there we found Danny walking all through the one story home talking to what seemed to be his deceased mother . I walked over to Danny and ask him if he was OK and I put my hand on his shoulder , he just kept on walking and talking like I was not even there . He would walk around and talk to her and then would be quiet as he waited for her reply . Now Danny did not do drugs and , he didn 't drink either . I ask his wife if he was on any medication and she answered no . I kept hearing Danny asking his mother about a ring . I quickly called his sister who lives in another state and ask her if she knew what he was talking about . Her answer was that when their mother was buried , his sister put a ring on her finger for her to be buried with . She put the ring ( The mother 's wedding ring ) on her finger right before the casket was closed and locked , several people saw this . His sister also told me that after the service , Danny said to her that his their mom had promised him the ring . His mother told him that when he became older she would give him the ring for good luck & love in his life . It really was the only thing Danny had to remember his mother by . I still thought Danny was loosing it and I told my girl friend to call 911 . As she did that , she came back from the phone call asking what was this ring she found on the table beside the phone . When Danny saw the ring he started to cry and just kept thanking his mother for it . The ambulance arrived and did take Danny to the hospital and he was diagnosed with having an extreme anxiety spell . Now here is the thing . . . Three days later when Danny 's sister arrived she confirmed that the ring my girl friend found was indeed their mother 's wedding ring . However , their mother was indeed buried with the ring on her finger . So , how did the ring get there on the phone stand ? Was Danny really talking to his mother and was she really answering him back ? All I know for sure is as I stated before , Danny ; s sister did confirm the ring my girl friend found was indeed Danny 's mother 's wedding ring . We also know , the ring was on his mother 's finger at the time of burial . guess we will never know where that ring came from . Poltergeist activity is usually brought on by a persons ones own mind , caused under stress of some sort such as fear , anger , or , a strong feeling of helplessness . Not every person will have the experience . As a matter of fact , it happens to very few people . Although , for a person who does indeed have these experiences , they usually have them more then once in their life time . A poltergeist experience can make light bulbs explode , noisy knocking sounds , make electrical equipment malfunction and , make objects move or levitate without anyone being near the object . That sort of experience is very real for some people . The bad part of that is , people who do have a poltergeist experience , have no control over it . It happens when it happens and cannot be controlled and happens to female teenagers more so then to males . It has been debated though if the poltergeist phenomena is because of spirits harnessing the energy from emotionally teens or if the teens themselves have telekinetic abilities without knowing about it . Photo by PJ , Norway 2001 Lets start with the part when everything became bizzare . I was asking a friend of mine what was wrong and he kept saying . " They are out to kill me , they are out to kill me ! " It all happened too fast to realize what was going on , but then it all makes sense , the instant he shares with me that he had taken ecstasy Mixed with his alcohol intake and who knows what else might have been in the pill he was now in a paranoid phase , and he could hear the others plotting against him being killed in his mind . Half way up the hallway we hear a scream , and what sounded like something falling bringing parts of the room with itself the inside of the small bathroom . With the help of another guest we manage to unlock the bathroom and find our drunk friend passed out on the floor covered in dust and debris from the ceiling , it looked like he had literally tried to climb out of the bathroom by climbing through the ceiling using the sink as a stand , slipped and caused part of the very same ceiling to collapse down on him . We dusted him off and asked if he was OK , he answered us briefly , and seemed unharmed , and cooperatively followed us as we began extracting him over to the neighbor building to let him sober up , away from the party that he already had made a pretty good mess out of . After this it became more bizarre , I had not had anything to drink and neither did my other friend which got involved . As a telepath I already knew there was a lot of anger in the minds of the other guests and while my friend went on rambling about what he thought the others was doing I noticed his thoughts were rambling on , and I felt he tried to read my mind too , I responded instantly by shouting in my mind for him to stay away from my thoughts , he jumped back in response . I was certain that what he experienced was real , in some level it had opened up his mind to hearing the angry thoughts of all the ones around him , not being use to this and in an already paranoid state he became convinced they weren 't only thinking about killing him , but was actually trying to do so . The next few hours went on working on calming him down , repeatedly using forced docileness and convince him that no one was out to kill him , after I managed to get him away from the party to one of the other buildings where my other friend helped him we were finally able to calm him down . At one point he even asked me if I thought he was crazy . To that I responded , you are obviously not in your best state of mind , you will feel better when you sober up . All of this must seem impossible to someone that does not have telepathic or even empathic abilities like myself , but I can assure you this was no joke . It was as real as it could get . Eventually he calmed enough down that we were able to bring him home , the next day he had forgotten pretty much everything of the happenings of the night before . This is a story from Sandy in Hamilton , Ohio . My mother had a paranormal experience when she was 16 she told me that she and her friends were out joyriding in her friends car , my mom had said this was on a friday night , around 11 or so , like most teens they got bored and decided to go up to Rosehill Cemetery which isn 't far from my home , mom also stated that the friends car was parked close to the huge black iron gate on the other side there was a lighted cross . She said her and her friends were talking and she had said that she felt someone tapping on her shoulder and when she turn around there was a apparition of a girl dressed in the 50 's style clothing . She stated her friends saw it too and they were so scared that the got in the car and drove home . Although theres a story of a young girl who was walking to a prom and was hit by a car , I don 't know if It 's the same girl who knows , but however , I do go to that cemetery a lot and it still creeps me out , I always feel like I 'm being watched . Then ehen she became an adult she moved to what is still her current place of living , in Northern Norway . She immediately recognized the landscape she had been seeing all these years . She had never seen it before other than in her mind , and she had not even ever met her grandfather but she knew this was where he lived , haunted wildlife , gathered berries and went fishing , she felt like she had actually come home . I have myself had similar experiences , when I first went to Oslo as a 17 year old I immediately recognized the older parts which several of my ancestors used to dwell inn , I recognized the streets well enough that I was even able to orient myself showing my aunt which had not been there either how to get around the city . went abroad I suddenly found all these places my seafaring ancestors has been to before me , I was able to recognize it as images of areas that I had seen in my mind before , not pictures in books but real landscape , memories with smells , sounds , the feeling of the winds attached to them . Some of them I even painted as a kid in great details , down to the type lava rocks that does not exist in Norway . Was these experiences reincarnation or past life regressions ? Perhaps ancestral memories are part of the same or they might be different , could it even have been remote viewing or other psychic phenomena involved , possibly . To me it felt like the information was from my relatives of the past , not some disjunct existing person not related to me in any way . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Remember to check out our Paranormal Corner Online Store and if you have story you would like us to look into for posting in our blog contact us at waikikiblogboi @ gmail . com - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Photo by PJ , Honolulu , Hawaii 2005A family is like the rocks of this wall , every rock is part of a larger whole , if one remove a few rocks the wall would change , perhaps making the wall crumble , perhaps the rocks took a different path becoming the foundation to a home , or never left the nature it used to part of . Growing up in a very active house , surrounded by a family which took spirits for granted . I knew from a early age about all of these stories of those before me and how they used to encounter , seek out and help the spirits of anyone which requested them to do so . The most prominent ones were my grandfather and his brother ( The Psychic Ghosthunter Twins ) on my fathers side . While my grandfather knew spirits , my grand uncle saw , together they were quite a team and very well known for their talent . They found their ability to sense spirits when they were just a little boys . Not only did they know and see the spirit , but also knew how to help them , chase them away if it was being troublesome or even give them sanctuary in case of nice spirits that were being pestered by the new inhabitants of his or her old home . Which is one of the reasons my grandfather 's home had so many spirits to begin with . Whenever there was a haunting they were called to help , I never met my grand uncle but my grandfather kept on taking care of ghosts long after their ways split apart . Even at the age of 94 my grandfather still helped settle the restless ghost of his son - in - law when it was scaring his newest great grand child . I do not know if there was others before my grandfather , in my family but I am pretty sure there was a few , seeing how common the ability of psychic talents and spirit sense seems to be among my close current living relatives . I also have Ghost hunters on my mothers side , my mother being one of them , even though my mother never searched out ghosts they usually came to her and she helps them out . And her grandmother , my great grandmother were also a known source when it came to handling ghosts . So put it mildly , I have it in my blood . His mom passed on when she was 84 years old and up until the very end she was very active and and of sound mind . I knew his mother and she was a very sweet lady . I never saw my brother - in - law grieve . One night while he and I were driving down the road he told me his story . He told me that sometimes when he walks past the mirror in the up stairs hallway , His mother appears to him in the mirror . As i stated in the beginning of this article , I simply thought it was his way of grieving over the loss of his mother . I listened to his story and I told him it was all because he missed her and , that in time he wouldn 't see her in the mirror . I was not even thinking about what he told me a month earlier but , when I came out of the bathroom and walked back down the hallway to the stairs , I passed the mirror and I saw his mother for just maybe two seconds in the mirror and then she just faded away . I didn 't say anything to him about it but , about an hour later his sister came home and went up stairs and we heard her scream . he and I ran up the stairs just in time to see his mother smile and then fade away into the mirror again . He hugged his sister and told her not to be upset because it was just mom making sure we are all OK . The three of us talked about it for a while and then it was never brought up again except for once in a while he would smile and just say . I saw Mom today . For those that like to put someone in a neat box I am a strong Claircognizant Empathic Medium and Healer . But more so than a psychic I am foremost a skeptic , whenever I have a vision , vibe or experience I always go trough a long array of alternative possibilities in my mind and If I find any alternative possible non - paranormal solution or a way to check up on my experience in a controlled manner I would do so . My friends considers me to be one of the most down to earth and logical people they know . Also I think one always should keep ones mind on what one want to achieve , and what I consider to be my goal in life , to make it better thus , if I see a way that I can help in anyway I do . As a young psychic child I went through a period of my life when I studied everything I could about the paranormal , while also at the same time studying religions and science of all sorts . At this time I actually refused to read fiction since I considered it to be of little use . It felt good to explore oneself and at the same time find examples that one was not alone in the world with the gift , other than in my immediate family , since my mother , grandfather , and several of my aunts and cousins are psychics . Though none of them actually studied the field like I did . Later in High School I was confident enough that I would do readings for at first friends and later anybody at my school that was curious in my hometown of Vadsø in Northern Norway . Mainly focusing on my favorite tools , palm reading , tarot cards , and using my natural ability to notice and see things of past , present and future . What shocked me when I first started doing readings was how easily people would basically accept almost anything and give feedback in the readings , adding additional information that I had not gained using my own psychic ability . This is what is often referred to as cold readings information , while what my ability provided me with is called hot reading information . At this point I got confirmed my own skeptic view of the paranormal that many people , especially those that do seek those that claim to have ESP ( extra sensory perception ) would also be those most easily fooled by any psychics that would be either using all cold readings or hot readings with various degrees of cold readings to make their readings more sensational than it otherwise would have been . This experience , the gift of tongue was something a close friend of mine experienced . His experience was not like when Pentecostals speak in tongue and fall into a trance babbling words which have no meaning , contributed to be by the divine inspiration of the holy ghost . In my friends experience , which was for a period of three month five years ago , given the gift to read and understand any modern or ancient language , the scientific term for this is Xenoglossy . The voice that spoke , which also gave it 's name soon proved not to be the good it claimed to be , but even after he denounced it and refused to accept its " gift " . He described how he had to work really hard to avoid using the gift of tongue until it slowly dispatched into normal language skills . When I checked the name with him it proved to of an ancient Sumerian entity of evil , demonic , I will not repeat the name and avoid remembering it because such evil could be awakened if one open up the door that was to shut back 5 years ago . This is in part of another of my entries , The Possessed Role Play Game Book . One night not to long ago , I could not sleep . Everything seemed OK I guess , I just couldn 't sleep . I got out of bed to go to the bathroom and on my way back to bed I heard a voice call my name . It was just a whisper but it was my name . I looked around and saw no one . I crawled back into bed and attempted to sleep but , I had no luck with that . Once again , I heard a voice whisper my name . It was a female voice . I sat up in bed and turned the light on . As I looked around once again I saw no one . for some reason I was not afraid but , I was curious as to what I was hearing . I laid back down and this time I let the bedroom light on . I was laying there and a few feet away from my bed is a rocking chair that was my Mother 's when she was alive . She has been dead for 10 years . As I looked in the direction of the chair I saw my Mother sitting there . I sat straight up in bed and I was in a state of shock I think . She was not transparent , her body looked as if she was alive . She told me to stay in bed that , she had just come to tell me something . She wanted to tell me that she was OK and she was very happy where she was . She told me that she knew I was worried about her but , I shouldn 't worry . She blew me a kiss as she use to do when I was a little boy and then she was gone . I didn 't sleep at all that night but it was worth loosing a nights worth of sleep . In Hawaiian mythology one have a Fire Goddess that is the creator of volcanoes . She protects the volcano islands of Hawaii and the lava rocks that came from volcanoes on all islands of the state . Her name is Pele . As legend has it , if you take a lava rock out of Hawaii , Pele becomes angered and you will have bad luck in your life until the rock is returned to it 's rightful place . It is also illegal to take lava rocks away from the islands . I have a friend who , was hiking on the big Island with his Mother and I . His auntie lived in California . She thought Hawaii was so beautiful she wished she could take a little bit of Hawaii home with her and she did just that . she packed one of the lava rocks and took it home with her . She did not know about the legend so she thought nothing at all about taking the rock home to California . Once she got home , her bad luck started . She lost her job , her car was stolen , her rent was increased and she became ill . All with in two weeks of being home . She called her sister and as they were talking about things her sister asked her if she might have taken a lava rock back home with her . When she said yes , she did take one home , her sister told her to mail it back to her at once and she explained the legend to her . Now , she did as her sister had asked and mailed the rock back to her in Hawaii . Once the rock arrived here it was taken and put back where it was taken from . My friend 's Auntie started to have good luck again almost right away . Her illness was gone , she found a great job and , she was able to find a nice place at lower rent then what she was paying . Also , within a week after the rock was returned , she met the man that would become her husband . So if you go to Hawaii , go ahead and admire it 's beauty and have a great time . Just leave the lava rocks here where they belong . I also found out that Hawaii is not the only place where taking volcanic rocks are supposed to bring you bad luck , the Island of Iceland in Europe has the same happen to them though they do not have a volcano goddess as in Hawaii they have a belief that the land itself would curse you , it is also illegal to take rocks from Iceland just like in Hawaii too . The ability also provides information into plant physiology , and a special perceptiveness when it comes to noticing anything with and connected to plant life , which I use to check and control if it seems reasonable . When it comes to information of ancient Norwegian and Sami herbalism , I feel is shared with me from my great grandmother which was lifetime herbalist and healer , as her ancestors before her . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Remember to check out our Paranormal Corner Online Store and if you have story you would like us to look into for posting in our blog contact us at waikikiblogboi @ gmail . com - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Several years ago back in PA . My friend and I took my new car out for a ride . We were just driving around and after about two hours of driving , I took my friend home and dropped him off at his house . The distance from town where we were driving around to my friend 's house was six miles . As soon as we got to the very edge of town , we saw a woman walking along the road . She was walking the same direction as we were driving and as we passed her I would say she looked to be in her 50 's or early 60 's . It only took a few minutes to get to my friend 's house . As we pulled into his driveway , his father came out and asked if I could give him a ride to the service station in town as he had to pick up his car after having it worked on . I said that I would be happy to take him into town and he got in my car and we backed out of the driveway . This time she waved us down and asked if we could give her a ride into town . I told her she was walking the wrong direction to get into town but , she looked very tired and so I said sure , hop in the back and we will give you a ride . She crawled into the back seat and we were on our way In a minute we were approaching a sharp curve I started to slow down and as I we approached the curve the women yelled for me to pull over now , she yelled pull off the road , our lives are in danger . Even though I had no clue what she was talking about , I did as she said and pulled off to the side of the road . As soon as we were off to the side of the road , a huge garbage truck came around the curve very fast . It was right in the middle of the road , The truck was going so fast that I could see the driver struggling to keep the truck under control . As soon as the garbage truck had made it past us , I turned around to ask the woman if she was alright and to ask her how she knew that truck was coming because it was impossible to see around that curve . To my astonishment and to my friend 's father 's astonishment , She wasn 't there ! She was just gone . I even went back the way we came to see if she somehow got out of the car and there was no sign of her at all . We were dumfounded , both myself and my friend 's dad . With no clue as to what just happened , we turned around and headed back towards town . As we got to the very edge of town , there was this very same woman walking along the road again , headed out of town as she was the first time I saw her . I slowed down and I started shaking and sweating a very nervous type of shake as I drove past her . I was in that condition because , I didn 't understand what had just happened or why it happened to me . However , I did and still do understand that , whatever it was that happened , It was in now way normal and , I believe this woman not to be of this world ! Princess Märtha Louise is the oldest child of King Harald V of Norway . Princess Märtha Louise has been firm on creating her own career than living out her royalty , even going as far as letting her younger brother take the throne , in spite that the rules of succession were changed in 1990 from oldest male heir to oldest heir , which offered the two royal heirs to make it count from their generation or the next . And later , when she married Ari Behn , a commoner and author of books , she accepted to no longer have the rank of Royal princess , just princess . As a result of pursuing a career , Princess Märtha Louise is a certified physiotherapist who has also followed a career in writing of books and readings of fairy tales . In June 2007 , she came forward announcing that she is and always been a psychic . She also has always had a gift of animal affinity , and she say hers gift has grown to where it is today . This caused quite some stir in Norway , as many residents grew up watching the Royal Princess on TV all their lives and felt having a special connection with her . In popular polls , more than half of the people believed her when she said she is a psychic and was starting up an angel school to help others unlock their inner psychic abilities . Being a psychic myself knowing that the princess had the courage to come forward and follow her own ways felt like a blessing in its own , knowing that one now shared something truly special with the princess . Märtha Louise has had these experiences all her life , even though up to that day she had not shared it in the public press . The Princess ' Angel School is called Asarte Education , and its main focus is teaching different forms of healing , readings , unlocking your own abilities and learning how to communicate with angels . My most common statement whenever I was asked how I knew this or that was I just know it , I could not explain where I got it from It was just there . When it came to math , it did actually get me in some trouble with the teachers since I had a hard time understanding why they wanted me to write all the other parts in between the mathematical problem and the answer which I already knew the instant i took a look at it . In the beginning I did just that , wrote the answer and went on to the next one , It was almost always right but I was still unable to explain to the teacher how I ended up with the solution . My mother described the same problem when she went to school as she is a claircognizant psychic like me . As I grew older I used my psychic talent to give instant answers to almost any question more as entertainment , my friends loved to see if they could nail me catching me giving wrong answers or not finding one . Most of the time they had to give up on since more they were the ones that run out of questions . Other times I just enjoyed spooking my chemistry class by giving the answer to the exact amount of a compound down to the last mg or the answer to a tricky chemical stoichiometry equations by giving it when we started , write it down in the corner as proof and then go the slow and hard process of calculating it all which sometimes took hours . One time in particular , I remember that the answer was different than in my instant suggestion , and it turned out it was indeed correct but we had done the calculations wrong , and when we figured that out we ended up on my psychic suggested answer . Privacy Policy for www . paranormal - corner . blogspot . com If you require any more information or have any questions about our privacy policy , please feel free to contact us by email at waikikiblogboi @ gmail . com . 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I know you remember Angel . She 's the white cat who was thrown out when the owners died and the contents of the house were being sold . There are several posts that tell her story . Here they are in chronological order . The most important thing about Angel 's story is that even though she was completely un - touchable ( and I feel certain - abused ) , I knew beyond a doubt that she was meant to be here with me . Too many crazy coincidences lined up to land her at Winnie 's Wish . But once here , because of whatever trauma she 'd been through , she was not just un - touchable . . . she was dangerous . She charged and clawed and bit and growled . There was absolutely NO touching this cat . She also HATED other cats and all people . We ended up converting one of the dog runs in my kennel into a kitty apartment for Angel . I figured that as long as she was safe and content ( and she did seem to become quite content in her new digs ) , she could live out here life here - out of the elements and away from danger . Everything about her survival and the ordeal we went through to get her could easily be classified in the " miracle " category . And so Angel 's new ( safe ) life began . To feed and clean her area , I could drop a safety door down and block her away from me while I worked . Then pull the slider back up and fasten in place when I was safely back out of the run . Angel had her food , water , litter box , climber , beds , and an entire outdoor dog run to go outside into the fresh air and sunshine . I was happy for her but not for me . I can 't begin to explain how badly I wanted to get my hands on this cat . I would talk to her every day and try to convince her that I was good . I wanted to touch her . I wanted to pet her . I could hardly stand not being able to have any physical contact with this beautiful girl . Every day when I dropped the slider and stepped into her run , she would jump up on one of her shelves and hiss me away . Every day I would stand - eye level with her shelf - and talk to her . Sometimes I would put my hand against the chain link and she would immediately lash out . But I would keep my hand there and keep talking to her in a gentle loving manner . At first , she would try to hit my hand with her claws and she would hiss and growl . Gradually , she seemed more annoyed than aggressive . She would try to attack , and when she couldn 't get to me , she would jump down from her shelf and saunter away . One day , when I put my hand against the chain link and started talking to her , she hissed , growled and then SNIFFED my hand . My heart started racing and I just kept sweet - talking her . She turned away from me but didn 't jump off her shelf . She just sat there with her back to me . I continued to talk and then I slowly moved away . The next day the same thing happened . I don 't know how many days this went on . But after several of these encounters , one morning as Angel sniffed my hand , I pulled some bravery out and poked one finger in . I touched the side of her face . She whirled to bite but I was able to pull my finger right back out . The next day I tried again . I won 't go into the baby steps , one at a time , here on the blog . But let me just say that over a long period of time , I started being able to put my fingers through and touch Angel more and more . Some days she would immediately try to bite me , but I noticed that some days she WANTED me to touch her . Of course , this only made me want to grab her up and love all over her even more . But we continued with our baby steps for weeks . Then one day , I reached through the chain link and she leaned into the chain link and pressed against my hand . Tears immediately filled my eyes . I rubbed her with one finger and she continued to let me . Then she promptly hissed and tried to bite me and jumped down from her perch . When we left for vacation in mid - May , I was worried that we would lose our progress over the ten days I would be gone . The first thing I did when I cleaned her run that first day back was to try reaching through to touch her . She leaned in . I was ecstatic . From there , things moved quickly . I was really ( I mean REALLY ) worried about trying the logical next step . At some point I would need to try to step into her run with her while the slider was up . I decided I would pull the slider and hurriedly get on my knees in her run with her bowl of canned food ready . She loves her canned food , so I hoped she wouldn 't come out fighting . We had some very strained moments . She didn 't know what to do and I was definitely " stiff " when she came bounding through her little door . She stopped , and in that second I wondered if I was about to be attacked and what would I do if I had to get out and she raced out with me . How would I get her back in ? But there I was - in her space - and she just stared at me . I hurriedly put her food dish in front of her and she hissed at me and proceeded to eat her meal . I 'm going to let the videos tell you the rest of the story . I still can 't pick Angel up . And she still hates all cats and all other people . But I 'm petting this beautiful girl now . And we have a relationship . I told all of you when I named her Angel that I wanted that to be an omen for things to come . I wanted , someday , to be able to touch this cat . And now we 're there . I 'm touching an Angel . * Note . Let me start this post with a warning . The description of what was wrong with the cat is graphic and might be hard for some people to read . Husband was at work on Sunday evening . At some point during his shift , I got a text from him . Call me . Of course , he never says to CALL . Before I could even text back to say I 'd get on the land line phone and call , he called me . Listen . There 's a cat here . It really looks bad . There 's another employee going to look for something to put it in . You know me . I wouldn 't be talking to you about this if it was just a stray cat . But I mean this guy looks REALLY bad . There 's something wrong with one of his back legs , too . So I asked if he was catchable or if anyone there could get him . Well , that 's what we 're getting ready to try now . It 's been coming up to the door and when the door opens it 's been trying to get in . I think we 'll be able to get it . But it can 't come into the building . No animals . And it 's way too hot to have it in a cage or whatever we can find and have it sitting outside . I told him to let me call one of our daughters to see if anyone in town could get it and take it to the shelter . ( Remember - Husband 's job is in the same town as the shelter where my daughters work . ) I talked to both daughters and they said they would try to reach employee K . She lives right in town , whereas if one of us had to go , it would be half an hour before we could get there . We didn 't want the cat to sit out in some kind of container in the heat for that long . But Husband felt like this cat was in bad enough shape that they couldn 't take the chance of it wandering away if they didn 't get it right then . Luckily , the girls got ahold of K and she was willing to drive across town to Husband 's workplace and take the cat to the shelter . She would set it up with food and water until it could be assessed the next morning . Husband and another employee got the cat . They had a makeshift cage to put it in . Husband tried to look the cat over . OH ! ! ! This was REALLY bad . When I called him to tell him that K was on her way , Husband started describing the very poor body condition . The cat was long - haired and the coat was filthy and matted . The cat was extremely skinny under that fur . The leg was injured and it looked like the bone was exposed . I asked him if he thought the cat needed to go straight to a vet rather than to the shelter for the night . I don 't know - he said . I wish Older Daughter was here to see this . I hate to say it , but it really might need to go . Oh , boy . That changed everything . I called Older Daughter back and told her what her dad had said . About that time , I got another call from Husband . At the same time , Older was receiving a call from employee K . Older took her call and I answered Husband 's call . Chrystal , K and I just looked more closely at the leg . Listen . This is bad . The meat is gone , the bone is exposed , and the wound is full of maggots . This cat 's gotta get to a vet . I said OK and that I 'd be talking to Older immediately . I hung up and Older was calling me . K had just described the leg to Older . K couldn 't get the cat to the next town to the vet because of vehicle problems . Also - it was after hours . There would be no vet in any office . So Older had K take the cat to the shelter and wait . Then Older called volunteer L . L would call the clinic the shelter used and her own veterinarian to see if she could reach anyone . She called Older back and said that the regular clinic that the shelter uses would send Dr . G to the clinic immediately . But the cat had to GET THERE . So volunteer L called board member S who said she could pick up the cat and get it to the town where the clinic is . Whew ! What a miracle ! This precious kitty would be seen that very night . Thank goodness she ( turns out it was a female ) showed up where she did and when she did . After that , there was a flurry of activity involving Husband and us , employees from Husband 's work and from the shelter , volunteers , board members , and veterinarians . The first report ( that came that night ) was that this kitty would certainly lose the leg . But the next morning , there was different news . The wound had been thoroughly cleaned and the kitty received an antibiotic injection . The leg was severely infected . She would stay at the clinic for a few days for observation . If saving the leg was possible , they would shoot for that first . The leg is looking so much better now . Since then , this gal has come to the shelter . She is on meds twice daily . They are using a spray on the leg that is supposed to increase the possibility of skin growth and keep infection down " at the site . " She doesn 't feel well and she isn 't eating enough . Right now we 're all just hoping . The girls have fallen in love with her . If love could bring her through this , she 'd already be healed . Unfortunately , she just isn 't responding quite like everyone had hoped . But my daughters will keep working and keep loving her . I hope you 'll visit here tomorrow . I have some news about a Wisher that I really never thought I 'd be reporting . It isn 't about an adoption , but it 's good news just the same . The last time I did a post about Older Daughter 's Wild Angels Wildlife Rehab , I was introducing you to new baby raccoons , a fawn , and a couple of baby birds . Today , there is a new introduction to make and updates all around . Three weeks ago , there were raccoons who were doing well enough to move to an outdoor enclosure , but there were two new little raccoons who definitely looked as if they might NOT make it . They were discovered and rescued too late in the starvation process . Older worked and worked with these two . They were being force - fed , they were on medications , and they were receiving subQ fluids . It was a roller coaster ride - some days one would seem a little better , then worse the next day . About that time , the other one would rally and then begin to fail again . Older just kept trying . Now , three weeks later , Older thinks they just might be ( FINALLY ) to a stable place . They are doing better and there seems to be some progress now . Thank goodness ! Here are those two babies . Three weeks ago I showed you pictures of two little starlings . Baby birds grow quickly . These babies were being hand - fed by Older every hour from sun - up to sundown . Slowly she taught them how to noodle around in the grass and hunt for themselves . They lived in an outdoor bird enclosure for a while and learned to feed themselves . They have now been successfully released . I did not give an update in the June 8th post about all of the baby opossums that Older received earlier this season . Opossums are VERY difficult to keep alive and very slow to mature enough to care for themselves . You might remember that these babies lived in Older 's new incubator for quite a while . Well , look at them now . Just a couple of weeks ago , they moved to their own outdoor enclosure . Finally Older had only one fawn the last time I wrote about Wild Angels . There has been an addition . As much as no one wants ANY baby animal to be abandoned , deer do better if they have another deer . These two babies will grow up together . How cute is this ! Two weeks ago I told you the story of the mom cat and five kittens that we rescued from my husband 's place of employment at the end of last month . ( That story took four posts to tell and begins on 6 / 13 / 16 . ) Thought I 'd do a picture update for you today . The kittens are healthy and happy and ready for adoption . Mom has JUST started letting me touch her . And the bonus cat ( whom I started calling my " Buddy Boy " so now he 's named Buddy ) has been neutered and has put on weight and is already friendly enough to be up for adoption . The kittens are three boys and two girls . The two little dark tabbies ( one is colored almost exactly like mom ) are the girls . The blond and two orange are the boys . A couple of days after I had the whole family safely here with me , I noticed that one of the orange ones consistently got too tired while the group was playing . This was really worrisome because I 'd seen this in kittens before - and they usually didn 't make it . When I could finally pick up the little guy without terrifying him , I could hear that he was wheezing when he breathed . Oh dear . The next day my daughters got him to the vet . He was in the early stage of pneumonia . He received an antibiotic injection , came back to me the same day , and we hoped for the best . The wheezing and easy exhaustion continued . Then two days later he also had a runny eye . I started him on Viralys . I guess the antibiotic injection , the Viralys , and a good diet did the trick . We are three weeks later now , and I can 't tell which of the two twin orange boys was the one who was sick . I shudder to think what would have happened to him if he had continued to live wild with mom and siblings . These babies were each about a pound when I got them . They are now all over two pounds . And if you haven 't already , you MUST visit * Andrea 's Insta - Auction . WONDERFUL items being added all the time . And it all benefits Winnie 's Wish ! ! ! Whoo Hoo ! ! ! See you tomorrow for a Wild Angels update . And before the week is over , I 'll share a couple of warm - your - heart stories . Should be a smile - worthy week ! Never Give Up Hope Before I was able to get away for my wonderful vacation , some events had accumulated into what felt like a sign for me to reconsider what I do . As it turns out , I was just really tired and stressed and way too negative . I actually realized that before I ever left home . But then I DID get away to my palm trees and rest and relaxation . ( And I DID get a lesson in what is truly important while I was there . ) You might remember that what had happened was three failed adoptions all in a matter of a few short months - Hope , Cato , and Traci Mae . I was questioning my ability to place a Wisher into a wonderful forever home . But I pulled myself together and realized that there will be failed adoptions - especially for Winnie 's Wish cats because they are not the " easy " immediately - adjusted cats that are available in most shelters . Then , as you know , I got home from vacation to the news that Cato had ended up working out after all . He has now been officially adopted into a forever home . All the while , there was something going on that I didn 't dare put on the blog . Not long after Husband and I went to retrieve Hope from behind her adopter 's washing machine , I received a Petfinder inquiry . For Hope . I emailed back what had just happened and that I was reluctant to send her away again . But the more this woman ( G ) and I talked , the more I started wondering if this just might be the right home for Hope . It was an agonizing decision . And I felt like I had to be super honest with G about the distinct possibility that Hope would not adjust . We kept in touch and at some point we decided that Hope would go to G 's home as a trial adoption . The problem was that G lived two states away . But we worked out a halfway point and made our travel plans . I already knew I really liked G just from all of the correspondence . Her situation was that she and her family had two cats and had recently lost one of them . The one that died had been the established cat and G had adopted a feral - background cat as their second one . So she had experience with this sort of thing . She wanted to give another such cat a chance . What finally sold me on the idea of letting Hope go again was when G told me that she had looked at 50 cats on Petfinder . Hope was number 48 . And that 's who she felt like she was meant to adopt . During the next many weeks Hope mostly hid . G tried everything . She would report to me how it was going and it was never going well . But G refused to give up . I did not DARE let myself " hope " that this might turn out OK . In fact , I waited ( nearly daily ) to get that email that would say they just couldn 't do it anymore - that Hope just wasn 't what they wanted . But every time G and I corresponded , she would tell me that although things weren 't changing much , she was not ready to give up . Still - I figured at some point Hope would end up back here . I also knew that if Hope came back a second time , it would be unlikely that she would ever end up in a home of her own . Just before vacation , I emailed G and asked how it was going . Things were pretty much the same . It had been long enough now that I knew Hope was going to be one of those who required MONTHS to adjust - maybe even a year ( which happens with some feral - background cats ) . So I asked G if she would keep Hope through my vacation because I didn 't know how I would work in a trip to get her back with everything going on getting ready for our trip . G said she certainly would . It took me over a week after we got home to muster up my courage and let G know we were back . I couldn 't bear to hear the final word that would seal Hope 's fate . G emailed that she was seeing Hope more lately . She said that just recently Hope was standing in the doorway to the kitchen peeking in on G while she cooked . And she said that if you sneak up on her in the middle of the night you can catch her playing with the toys . G said she still wasn 't ready to give up . Right after that I received another email from G . She said she 'd seen on my blog that I was considering Hope a " failed adoption " and she wondered if I meant her home . I emailed back immediately and explained to G how bummed I had gotten about sending Hope off to the first home , and then Cato into a home that wasn 't working out , and then topping everything off by sending Traci Mae into a failed adoption as well . I explained that I had not even written on the blog about Hope being in her second home for fear it wouldn 't work out . And here is the email I received in response : I definitely understand your disappointment , but what you do is a great thing . I see you 've decided to persevere and I hope you do not give up ! All critters need a home even if they get rough starts , and there are lots of people who just don 't get it . Someone told me that I should have adopted a cat here , and then I wouldn 't have had to travel and could have had a cat that was immediately engaging . So wrong on so many levels . If the cats are already well adjusted , anyone can take them ; it is up to those with patience to help the kitties that got off to a bad start . YOU and Winnie 's Wish are important and you make a difference every day . We are pleased with Hope 's progress and think she will warm up in time . We consider Hope to be home and do not wish to send her back . She is very sweet and just needs time to adjust . Even if she doesn 't become any more social than she currently is , we are happy . I couldn 't believe it . There it was . Hope was in her forever home . And not just any home . . . a home full of the kind of people who make what I do possible . Not only did Hope get SO lucky to end up with folks like these , but these folks saved TWO cats - Hope , and the homeless kitty out there somewhere who can take Hope 's spot . Winnie 's Wish will never be full of " easy " cats . But as long as there are people willing to do what G and her family have done , Winnie 's Wish can keep saving the " tougher " cases . I am forever grateful . And as if it was meant to be that I truly RECEIVE the message , the young woman who adopted Nisha and Yardley facebooked me at about the same time . Here is the message she sent : I am very happy that you had a great vacation and everything is good with your family . I am also very happy to hear that you are keeping Winnie 's wish a sanctuary AND shelter . I say this because if you didn 't stay open people like me wouldn 't be able to find cats like mine . Arya and Sansa ( nisha and yardley ) have come a very long way . They are no longer scared around me . In fact they cuddle with me all the time . Also they are no longer hiding whenever someone new is in the house . They love attention from everyone . If you were not a shelter I would have never found my babies . I just wanted you to know that because of you and Winnie 's wish my life has changed and the life of Arya and Sansa has changed . They get all the attention now and they get spoiled rotten . They are loved more than they can possibly know . Thank you so much . On Friday morning I discovered that our internet wasn 't working . I reported it and was told there was a problem with something on the tower that serves my tiny little geographical area . The really disappointing part was that the employee I was speaking to said she 'd been told it would be Sunday afternoon before anyone could get to the problem . WHAT ? ! Well , ok , so there would be no work that required internet and no emails over the weekend . Not good because some of my kennel boarders communicate with me via email . On Sunday afternoon I started checking . Sunday evening I called the number I 'd called on Friday morning . But that number only connected with someone live Monday thru Friday , 8am to 4p . There was a number you could call after hours and I felt like I deserved an answer as to why we still didn 't have internet . Surprisingly enough , the number I dialed connected me with a neighboring town 's police department ! REALLY ? ! I apologized and told the dispatcher WHY I had called that number . She wasn 't ruffled and said she didn 't know of any other number for me to try . On Monday morning I was SURE I would get to my computer and discover that I had internet . But no . So I waited until 8am and called . I spoke to the same person I had spoken to on Friday . She would check on things and call me back . Mid - morning I heard back from her . It would probably be sometime on Tuesday before the repair would be made . I 've mentioned that we live in a rural area in general . And where our home is located is truly remote . There are TWO options for internet . The company I have , and a large national company that costs FOUR TIMES what we pay . Following Monday 's report that there would be no internet that day , I was no longer experiencing the feeling of disappointment . No , it was definitely frustration now . I had been in contact with a BIG supporter of Winnie 's Wish last week and she was planning on announcing her brand new fundraiser . The plans were made . She would be ready to launch on Tuesday ( yesterday ) . I would be ready that day , too ! The plan for Monday on this blog was to share some great news with you , and then Tuesday I would share Andrea 's wonderful fundraiser for Winnie 's Wish . And now it was Monday and no internet . The next day was Andrea 's big day and I could only hope that my internet would be back up and running in time to join in . I guess by now you 've certainly figured out that I did NOT have internet yesterday in time to post to my blog . So here I am on Wednesday doing what I really wanted to be doing on Tuesday . Better late than never . Andrea knows what is required of me ( financially ) to keep this rescue / shelter / sanctuary going . Ha - she knows because she comes right out and asks ! She gets details from me like what a series of three vaccinations costs for kittens , how much litter I use in a month , what is the price for flea prevention for so many cats , etc . etc . etc . You know all of the wonderful things Andrea has done for Winnie 's Wish over the years . She has had many toy FUNdrasiers and she 's been in charge of auctions for Winnie 's Wish . Now she has launched ( as of yesterday ) a brand new kind of auction . This is actually the brainchild of Andrea . She calls it an Insta - Auction . I am learning about this even now . The way it works is that the auction is ongoing . People can visit it ANY TIME . New items will be added here and there along the way . You never know when there might be something offered that you just can 't live without . The best way for me to describe how it works is to copy & paste from Andrea 's blog : There is no set end date for the whole auction BUT there will be end dates for individual items . How do we decide when the end dates are ? Well , that 's up to YOU ! There is no time on anything until a bid comes in . If you bid on an item on a Wednesday , then that auction will end exactly seven days later , but only for that item . So if another item gets a bid on Saturday , does it end on Wednesday ? Nope , it ends on the following Saturday ! Bids will only be taken on items for seven days following the first bid , then highest bidder gets it ! Some items may not get an end time for a long time , and that 's fine . The idea is to leave the auction open so when you 're ready or see something you like , you can bid on your time ! ( Unless someone else bids on it first , then you have a week ! ) I think Andrea is wonderful and amazing and talented and full of fantastic ideas ! She is THE fundraiser for Winnie 's Wish and I am grateful every day for her . So of course I have GIGANTIC gratitude for Andrea and this Insta - Auction . But let me not pass up thanking someone else today . Ann of Zoolatry did the graphics for this new kind of auction . She has done graphics for Winnie 's Wish fundraisers before . She , too , is a giving and talented soul . And with that , let the shopping ( and bidding ) begin ! But there 's no hurry . You can visit this site any time you like . . . you just never know when there will be something offered that you just can 't live without . The graphic will ride at the top of my sidebar . You can click on that graphic any time and it will take you to the Insta - Auction . Andrea - THANK YOU . Now I want to invite you back here tomorrow for some good news that I 've been trying to tell you about for over a week and a half now . Wait - did I say " good news ? " I meant to say BEST ! The rescue mission at my husband 's place of employment started off with a bang . Three of the five kittens were trapped almost immediately . The next day we got mom . We also got a " bonus cat " that we certainly did not expect . In my kennel cat room there was a cage with mom and three of her five kittens and another cage with the " mystery cat . " This one was a male - a big cat , far too thin , with some patches of fur missing , and of course unneutered . I would assess his temperament over the next few days and we would make some decisions about this guy . Honestly , I was thankful that he 'd ended up in the trap . He , like mom cat , was living a life of struggle and starvation . And he , like mom cat , was contributing to the enormous overpopulation of stray and feral cats that exists all over this nation . Having him here in one of my cages was a good thing . . . I believe it was meant to be . So this was all good . But what WASN ' T good was that there were two tiny kittens STILL at the trapping site . Husband was off work on Wednesday and Thursday . So I got several hours of work done Wednesday morning and we headed to town . We set the trap and left . We would go get some supplies we needed and hope like crazy that we 'd have at least one kitten by the time we got back . The weather was not the best for trapping . It was raining , even storming , off and on all day long . We had been putting a towel over part of the trap so that if something went in it wouldn 't be stuck there in a downpour without any block from the rain . While we were across the river shopping there was a short , but intense , storm . We got back as quickly as we could . Nothing in the trap . We had planned our day with a particular timeframe in mind . By the time we got back to the trap after shopping , it would only be about an hour before Older Daughter could check when she got off work . That way if something went in the trap after we left town , it would not be in that trap for long . I contacted Older Daughter and told her the plan . We had nothing in the trap so we would be heading home . Would she please check the trap when she got off work to see if we had a kitten . Yes , she said she certainly would . However , she had a fundraiser for the shelter to go to after work . If there was a kitten in the trap at 5 : 00 she would put it in a carrier and take it to the shelter where it would be out of the heat until the fundraiser was over . THEN , she could actually re - set the trap and check it AGAIN AFTER the fundraiser . This was excellent IF we trapped the first kitten by the time she got off work . That would provide one more chance the same day to possibly trap the second kitten . Before Husband and I left to head home with our supplies , we decided to look around in the area where the trap was set . There were some bushes right against the building that extended over a small area facing south and around the corner facing east . This is where mom cat had taught her kittens to hide . And there was a hole behind one of the bushes that was between the ground and the foundation of the building . As we started bending bush branches away from the building , the little blond kitten shot like an arrow into the hole . Husband thought quickly and pitched a large lid he was carrying right over the hole . The hole was too small to reach into but that was not the point . We hoped that maybe the other kitten had not made it in yet . I started digging through the bushes on the south side ; just around the corner Husband was digging through the bushes on the east side . All of a sudden I heard a series of tiny growls and meow - screams . My brain told me we had a kitten . I went flying around the corner and there stood Husband clutching an extremely angry little tabby kitten . As I went running for a carrier , Husband 's only words were - This mad little beast just bit the crap out of me . I got back in a flash with a carrier and Husband placed the " mad little beast " inside . Yep . He was bleeding . I told him he was my hero and we stood there for a moment basking in the success . Now there was only ONE MORE KITTEN to get . We moved the lid from the hole and left the trap set and ready . Wow , did I EVER want to get that kitten now ! It was completely alone . We went home and I introduced the fourth kitten to mom and siblings . I told Older Daughter the story and she checked just after five o ' clock , hoping to find the little yellow kitten in the trap . She texted that there was no kitten . When she got to the fundraiser , she texted to say that some friends were getting together at one of their houses later that evening . So she would not be going straight home after the event . She checked the trap when the event was over . No kitten . But she went back again an hour later . My phone was ringing . I picked up and heard this - We got it ! We got the kitten ! The blond kitten is in the trap ! I was speechless for a second and then exclaimed loudly - Yippee ! Oh my gosh I can 't believe it . This is perfect ! I went to bed that night before Older Daughter came through . But she stopped here and took the last little kitten to the cage where its mom and siblings were comfortably snoozing . I raced down the next morning to see the whole family back together . the whole family bonus kitty WHAT a feeling ! ! We had them all - mom and her five kittens ( and a bonus cat ) ! They would be my fosters until whenever . . . Mission Accomplished . You won 't want to miss Monday 's post . Honestly , it 's good news all over the place next week . Hope to have you along . Have a great weekend . The next day was Tuesday . Husband had gone to work on Sunday to discover mom cat and kittens . On Monday , three of the kittens were caught quickly and easily . But that 's where things changed . Husband got off work Monday night at midnight and put the trap in his vehicle . Tuesday he set the trap when he got to work and hoped a kitten would venture right in . But no kitten . I knew he would check from the upstairs window when he could , and that he would actually go out to the trap when he had his mealtime break . But it wasn 't even time for his first ( short ) break when he saw that mom cat was in the trap . He texted quickly and I was suddenly in a pickle . I couldn 't leave home immediately because I had kennel business on the way . I knew mom could harm herself if she was left in the trap for very long . And there was another problem . Heat , high humidity , and storms had moved into our area . The cat simply could not stay in the trap . So I called Older Daughter . She was in the same town , and she would be getting off work very soon . She would take a carrier and see if she could get this feral mom cat out of the trap and into a carrier so that the trap could be immediately set again . Because now we had two little kittens out there with no mom to look out for them . I thanked her profusely , went back to work , and waited to hear what would happen . It was possible that she would not be able to get a feral cat from trap to carrier . That would mean mom cat would have to ride home in the trap and I would have to make the hour - round - trip to town just to set the trap again . I 'd just have to do what I had to do . It wasn 't long before I received a call from Older Daughter . I got her in the carrier . It WASN ' T easy . And I reset the trap in the same spot . Before Older Daughter even got out of town , I heard from Husband again - Is " Older Daughter " still in town ? There 's something else in the trap and it 's NOT a kitten . I can 't tell from up here but it might even be a raccoon . I dialed Older Daughter as quickly as I could . She pulled over to take the call because she knew I wouldn 't be calling her right then unless something was up . Oh , my sweet daughter - I said . Believe me when I say how much I hate to do this to you , but your dad just told me there 's already something else in the trap . And it 's not one of the kittens . Can you please go back and see what we 've trapped . If it 's a raccoon , release it and don 't re - set the trap . We don 't need to be drawing raccoons into an area where two little kittens are without their momma to defend them . If it 's another cat , bring it home . It 's possible that the first cat you got isn 't the mom , and this one could be it . Older turned around and drove back . She was anxious to discover what we 'd trapped , and greatly relieved to see that it was NOT a raccoon . That could have put the entire rescue mission in jeopardy . It was another adult cat and it did look somewhat similar to the one she already had in a carrier . Because the first one was feral , she certainly wasn 't able to tell if it was a nursing mom . She called me as she stood there with the trap . OK , it 's not a raccoon . ( I was equally as relieved as she was . ) It 's another adult cat and it 's really big . Skinny , but big . Looks kinda like the first one . You want me to bring it , right ? I told her I 'd have to take it , too , because this might be mom . If it isn 't , I 'll get it spayed or neutered , and if it 's crazy feral we can release it . Either way this will be ONE MORE CAT that won 't be able to contribute to overpopulation . Older managed to get THIS one into a carrier , too , and re - set the trap for the two remaining babies . I was becoming nervous about getting these last kittens . They were without food and without mom to defend them . SURELY Husband would call sometime that night and tell me we had at least one . But the call never came . He got off work at midnight and loaded the empty trap into his vehicle . The next two days were his days off . But we would simply HAVE to get those two kittens regardless of what plan we had to design . They were too little to make it on their own . Older stopped at my house on her way home . We got the two carriers to the kennel . I was pretty sure the first one she had picked up WAS mom . Still , it was nerve - wracking to put mom in with the three kittens . What if she WASN ' T mom and I couldn 't touch her to get her back out . I 'd just have to be ready to get the kittens out if she got in with them and started acting aggressively . When I finally got her from the carrier into the cage , my heart was in my throat while I watched to see what would happen . She hid immediately in the little nylon house that was in the cage . But the kittens told me all I needed to know . They all sniffed the air briefly and then bailed in on top of her . They crawled all over her , and lo and behold , she flipped onto her side and they clamored to start nursing . We had mom ! ! Three kittens , their mom , and a bonus cat . But now the real worries set in - two little kittens still out there all alone . Posted at 07 : 34 AM | Permalink I was just sick , of course . If only we could have trapped her back in the Winter when we wanted to . This was exactly what I had been afraid would happen . And now . . . well , I couldn 't turn my back on this situation . There was only one good thing about this . My husband 's place of employment is a business that does alot to support the shelter where my daughters work . I knew this would be a mom and kittens who could go to the shelter . There was still the same problem with space ( at the shelter ) , but I was willing to foster this group for as long as I needed to . And I would do all of the trapping . Husband would get permission ( again ) to set the trap . He would also notify others that I would be coming and going . As I mentioned yesterday , Husband 's place of employment is half an hour from home ( same town as the shelter where our daughters work ) . So catching this family was going to involve some travel time . But what else could we do ? This mom and kittens would now become the beginning of a feral colony . It was easy to imagine the future - Husband would watch ( and report to me ) as this group quickly became a dozen , and then twenty , etc . No - couldn 't let that happen . And so the trapping would begin . Husband and I worked out a plan . He would take the trap with him to work on Monday afternoon . He would check it on each of his three breaks ( two short and one meal - time break ) . If he caught any of the kittens he would text me and I would head to town . The report from other employees was that there were either four or five kittens . Nobody knew for sure because mom was already teaching the kittens how to hide . I was SO relieved that we were trapping these babies before they got to the age of being very difficult to tame . What I was worried about though , with kittens this young , was that we would catch mom before we got all of the kittens . All we could do was get started , and hope for the best . That Monday Husband set the trap where the mom and kittens had been spotted . He walked into the building and went upstairs to get ready to clock in . There was a window on that floor that allowed him to look down and see the trap ; this way he could check on his two short breaks when he couldn 't get outside . I got a text from him saying that the trap was set . Five minutes later , I got a call from him . Hey , I 've got to clock in and go but I just got upstairs and looked down and we 've already got a kitten . And if I 'm not mistaken , there are TWO in there right now . Oh . My . Gosh . I told him I 'd be right in . He described where to park and where to walk to . I headed to town , parked in the business parking lot , and headed around to the back corner of the building . And sure enough - there were two little kittens in that trap - an orange and a tabby . WOW ! I was on top of the world . I walked the trap back to the parking lot and climbed into my vehicle . Two terrified little kittens squeezed against the back of the trap . I moved them from the trap to a carrier and then walked the trap back to the spot behind the building . I headed to my parents ' house for a visit . My intention for this Monday evening all along had been to pay them a visit . Now I was visiting and rescuing all at the same time . At some point , Husband walked to the window and peered down at ANOTHER kitten in the trap . He was able to get a quick text off to me . And before long , I was on my way back across town . I got THIS kitten ( another orange ) from trap to carrier , and set the trap again . I knew if I headed home now it was likely that Husband would be calling me back to town for another kitten sometime that night . I drove to Sonic for a green tea to kill some time and then back to check the trap . No kitten this time . But as I quietly rounded the corner of the building , I caught a glimpse of mom . She froze stone still , and there , under a nearby bush , were two tiny little faces - one tabby , one blond . Ah - so there were five ( not four ) . Good to know . I had to head home to get things done , but I certainly expected that I would hear from Husband at some point . The call never came . There were no more catches that night . When I got home , I took the three little kittens and set them up in one of my large cat cages in the kennel kitten room . I fixed three little bowls of canned kitten food and they inhaled it . I was surprised at how hungry they were because I knew they were still young enough to be nursing from mom cat . I stared at the precious babies and thought about how these three little darlings wouldn 't haveNow for the rest of the family . . . This is the time in a trapping rescue that becomes nerve - wracking . How long would it take ? Would mom move the remaining kittens ? What if we got mom next instead of the babies ? And in this particular rescue , there would be a surprise embedded in the second day of trapping . Oh , dear . ( Note - I left you last Thursday with a tease about some more good news that would be on the blog today . I 'll actually do that post NEXT Monday . In order to tell the whole story of the latest rescue mission , I 'll need all four days of blogging this week . ) We left on a Friday for our wonderful vacation to Florida . We returned ten days later on a Sunday . This year there was some added pressure on that last travel day . Husband retired a few years ago , but he went back to work this past Winter . He was unable to get that last day of vacation - the Sunday - approved as a day off . We had to be home in time for him to make the second shift . When we got home , we delivered the kids and their " stuff " to their homes , then raced to our own home . We quickly unloaded the rented van , and Husband jumped in the shower . The last day our animal caretaker worked was Saturday , so I launched into a LONG afternoon / evening of resettling , cleaning up , and caring for the animals . It 's half an hour to where Husband works . He was at work about fifteen minutes before his shift started and I received a text from him : Remember the cat we wanted to trap back in March ? Call me if you get this text before I have to start my shift . So let me go back and fill you in . At the end of the Winter , Husband came home from work and told me he 'd seen two cats near the " employee smoking area " as he left that night . He said one was sort of light gray tabby - ish and the other was yellow . I was immediately miserable because I knew that between the two it would only be a matter of time before there was a litter ( or two ) of kittens . He watched for them over the next couple of days and asked several employees if they knew anything about the cats . One employee told him that she thought they were visiting the dumpster now and again . Another employee told him that the yellow one was tame but the other one mostly stayed hidden and raced away when anyone went in or out . I contacted a friend who lives in town and who has actually fed feral colony cats in the past . I thought she might know if there was a feral colony anywhere in that area of town . She said she didn 't know of any specifically right there , but that she sometimes walked her dogs near there and would see if she could spot the cats . Over the next couple of weeks , there were only occasional sightings by employees , and my friend had no luck spotting them . Then Husband was told that the yellow cat actually belonged to someone who lived a few blocks from this business . That person had been contacted and she came and got her cat . I told Husband that I was glad one of the cats was claimed , but that left the other one all alone . . . and still at great risk for becoming pregnant . Husband said he would ask management if we could set our trap on the grounds and remove the cat . Happily , he was told that we could . But the cat didn 't show up again after that . Husband watched for days , and then weeks . No cat . All throughout the Spring I would periodically ask Husband if he 'd seen or heard anything about the tabby - ish kitty . But it was as if she 'd vanished . I thought about her off and on but knew that either something had happened to her or she had moved on . We went to Florida and I was lucky enough to not see ANY homeless cats . Of course , I knew they were there , somewhere , everywhere . But none crossed my path . I had gone on my vacation prepared - with a soft packable carrier and a fold - up crate . I didn 't need those items and that was good . Winnie 's Wish was full . When I returned from vacation I needed to focus on caring for the current crew and hoping for some wonderful forever homes to come along . That Sunday when we arrived home I actually had the thought - Whew ! We made it to Florida and back without any homeless kitties crossing my path . This blog is about dogs and cats . It is also the home of Winnie 's Wish Cat Rescue & Shelter . Please scroll down and you will discover the pictures of the Winnie 's Wish cats and kittens available for adoption . If you have ANY questions about adoption , please feel free to email me ( Chrystal ) at either of these two addresses : c3k @ lazernetwireless . net OR chrystaldparker11 @ gmail . com Click here to view Winnie 's Wish Wish List Buy the book to read stories of rescue and hope . Selling books means I can help MORE homeless dogs and cats . Click here to buy the book from Amazon or B & N . Click here to order the book directly from the publisher . Click on the picture to read about Winnie 's Wish - our adoption campaign . THE FOLLOWING CATS ARE LOOKING FOR FOREVER HOMES . Click on each picture to read about that cat . EMAIL ME with interest and / or questions about adoptions . Sunspot is looking for a wonderful forever home . Binks needs a patient home and would love to be adopted with his brother Boy Blue . Boy Blue needs a patient home and would love to be adopted with his brother Binks . Winter is on hold for now . Pippin needs a patient home . Monday needs a patient home . Clover needs a special home . She would do best if adopted with mom ( Momma Monday ) Finnick needs a patient home with his best friend Slate . Bojangles has been adopted . Betty Lou has been adopted . Star has been adopted . Traci Mae has been adopted . Hope has been adopted into a wonderful , patient forever home . Zen has been adopted . Elfin has been adopted . Click here to read about why Elfin 's family thinks it was worth it to adopt a Winnie 's Wish cat . Jasper and Soapy have been adopted . Ash has been adopted . Click here to read a post about why Ash 's family thinks it was worth it to adopt a Winnie 's Wish cat . Sparkles HAS BEEN ADOPTED . |
First of all , Rochelle and I have declared a holy war on bumps . My mom referred to it as a bump removing quest . If that 's the case , we 're about done with the quest . If we remove any more bumps , our bodies will soon cease to resemble humanoid figures . While she was there , the doctor offered to remove a mole on her nose that protruded out a little . While not entirely unsightly , she decided it couldn 't hurt to be gone with it . So now she proudly wears a Band - aid where her bump used to be . Just before she went to see her doctor about the moles , I decided to get my bump removed . Mine was a large cyst on the back of my head , in the right - hand hemisphere . It was about the size of a small marble melted into my skull , though it was obviously soft tissue . The surgeon who would perform the surgery was wonderful . She reminded me of a good friend of ours ; a certain lady living in Colorado with several children who has an imposing figure and a warm personality . We love her and her family dearly , and it was nice having a surgeon who commanded the same level of trust and warmth , especially since she would be the first person to ever cut me open . The bump on the back of my head had become a long running joke among my coworkers . It quickly became known as " the bump " and it was said to be responsible for my oft appreciated intelligence and problem solving capabilities . Before I went in for the surgery one of my coworkers had me promise to ensure the surgeon would not remove the contents of the bump if it resembled a brain . Anyhow , the wound is just now beginning to feel sore , but I am glad to have my first surgery over with . I have a pretty intense irrational fear of needles , and that has been a huge barrier to me getting work like this done . It doesn 't mean I 'll be jumping under the knife for any little issue that needs resolving , but it does mean that I might be more willing to consider surgery now that I 've had my insides messed with . Sadly I 've been on a bit of a reading - break . I 've slowly been making my way through The Eyes of the Dragon by Stephen King with Micah for his bedtime stories , but I 'm stuck at 35 % of the way through the final book of the Hunger Games trilogy . I really don 't have a good excuse for not reading , and I 'll probably finish that soon . My next reading project is the Harry Potter series , since that came out in ebook format recently and we went ahead and purchased it for my Kindle . I 'll probably read it to Micah for his bedtime story , and work on shorter Kindle Singles and other free items from my collection in my personal reading time . Rochelle is currently on the Children of the Mind , the final book of the Ender Saga . She had read the first and third books in the series before , but never all of them together . The whole four book series was on sale for about $ 15 not long ago , so we got them . That 's a great series . Once she finishes the final book she plans on going to the library to get more books ( she took a vacation from using the library , but she wants to get back into it ) . So when they posted an application to come out and visit them , I immediately registered . It was going to be a pizza and a movie night , along with a raffle for some prizes , and an opportunity to help them get rid of 33 old eMac computers they once used for their customer service representatives . I thought it could be kind of neat to get one of the eMacs for Micah . Then , in the application , I saw that they would allow you to bring one guest , and that the event was supposed to be kid friendly ( " geeklings welcome , " they said ) . Rochelle doesn 't know this , but here 's how it played out in my head . She was on the phone . My first thought was to bring her with me , since we do everything together and I knew she liked ThinkGeek . But since she was on the phone and I wanted to submit my application quickly ( this is a very popular company , and I knew there would instantly be hundreds of applications ) , I didn 't have time to ask her if she had any plans for the night of the event . I waited for a minute , but it was apparent she wasn 't going to get off the phone any time soon . I thought about bringing Sophie , since she 's young and easy - going in public , but I knew the event would go late into the evening , and I thought she might get bored or cranky . Then I thought about how often I saw Micah reading through the ThinkGeek catalog . He did it frequently , often talking about the products in there . I knew he 'd love to visit their headquarters , and so I decided to just list him as my guest . The weekend before the ThinkGeek visit Micah and Rochelle went to a scouting event while I took Sophie out to the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum 's Udvar - Hazy center ( more on that below ) . Sophie really enjoyed the alone time with her dad , and we had a great time . So it was only fitting that Micah got the next weekend with me . All I told Micah about the event before we went was that it was an extremely unique opportunity , and that out of hundreds of applicants ( I didn 't know the exact figure ) we were one of only twenty applications to get accepted . In all , there would be just over forty people there . Micah speculated that there must have been a thousand applicants , but that figure seemed a little high to me . Then we got to the room full of eMacs , and I told him we got to take one home for him . I was the first one in to get a good keyboard and mouse from the box ( with a power cord , of course ) , then I handed those to him to carry and I heaved an eMac into my arms . The nice tour guide lady ( @ Stephonee ) held the door for us and we took it straight out to the car . The next day we set up his computer . He has been extremely pleased with it . We are not going to allow the machine on the Internet ( for a vast variety of reasons ) , so I 'm transporting downloaded . dmg files ( disk images to install Mac software ) on a thumb drive to install on his system ) from our family desktop , and anything he wants to print will be transferred to the family computer since he won 't have a printer either . He 's got lots of homework helping software , in addition to some fun creativity software , and even a couple of games . I keep my eye open for more free software all the time . Since it 's an older system it 's not hard to find free stuff . Oh , and a few weeks ago he also learned to ride a bike finally . I spent a couple hours helping him balance and get a feel for how it moved , then after mulling it over in his head for a couple of weeks he went out and tried it on his own and was able to do it almost as though he had never needed lessons . He picked it up pretty quickly . Like I said earlier , Sophie and I got to go to the Udvar - Hazy center together . It was a lot of fun . It was the first Saturday after shuttle Discovery had been moved in , so there were a ton of people lined up to see her . We got there an hour before they opened the doors . Sophie was excited to see the shuttle , and when we got home she started playing more with a toy shuttle I had picked up a long time ago and given to her . A couple of quick anecdotes about Sophie : Lately Sophie has taken to making up cute little songs about just about anything . She 'll just randomly burst into song about things that she hears or thinks of . It 's really cute , but sometimes it 's a little creepy . Last night Rochelle was giving me an update about a little girl who had gone missing in the local area . Rochelle said , " they found her , she had drowned in the lake . " Behind us we hear Sophie burst into song , " Drowned in the lake , drowned in the lake . Drowned in the lake , drowned in the lake ! " It was a sweet voice singing a pretty melody , but my goodness … What strange things she sings about ! She 's also been a little obsessed with using death , dead , killed , and other similar ideas in her play and everyday communication . At a children 's play - place tonight she and a much younger little girl were playing . Sophie had removed her socks before the other little girl arrived so that she could climb up the plastic slide easier . But with the younger girl I didn 't want Sophie going up while the little girl came down . That could have been bad . So I called Sophie over to me ( sitting just a few feet from the father of the little girl ) and asked , " Sophie , what do you think would happen if that little girl came down the slide while you were climbing up it ? " We love you all , and we appreciate all of your readership , prayers , love , and support . Stay tuned . If you don 't like visiting our blog to find that no updates have posted since the last time you checked , you can subscribe to the RSS feed , or you can sign up to get updates in your email inbox using the form in the upper right - hand corner . Be sure to visit our Family 2010 album as the year is drawing to a close . There you will find photos from our recent date ( no kids ! ) to an ice skating rink at the Pentagon Row in Pentagon City . Also be sure to visit our YouTube channel where you can see three videos that were uploaded since the last post . I just finished NaNoWriMo . Give me a break . I 'm still looking with guilt at my unchanging pile of books to read , and every day I feel that I inch closer to actually reading one . However , in the short term I really want to see if I can edit my NaNoWriMo novel into something bearable to read . On a nostalgic note , I 'd like to add that I 've been enjoying playing an updated version of an old game I loved when I was younger . Nintendo recently re - released GoldenEye 007 for the Wii . It was originally one of the best Nintendo 64 games ever made , and they did a wonderful job refreshing it for the new system . If you ever played and loved GoldenEye 64 , you must try it on the Wii . Rochelle is currently re - reading " Reading Lolita in Tehran " for the third time . Reading has been relatively routine for her during the last several months , so she doesn 't really recall anything worth sharing . Keep watching this space for something interesting though , because I still haven 't been reading squat . For the time being , I am giving up on trying to get Micah to write anything for this thing . Maybe it will be a summer only event . Until then , I 'll just fill you in on what he 's been up to . He is both excited for and dreading Christmas , mostly because he really , REALLY wants a Nintendo DSi , but we 've made it very clear to him that they are way too expensive for us to get right now , and we constantly remind him that he has a history of abusing electronics , and we wouldn 't want to let him have a DSi unless we knew he could handle it without breaking it . Plus , he manages to convince himself every year that he 's getting coal ( and someday we 're going to get it for him as a prank , but when he 's older and won 't be scarred for life ) . Overall , he 's absolutely sure he 's not getting a DSi , but he 's still holding on to a last shred of hope that Santa will put one under the tree in spite of all we 've said . What he doesn 't know is that we have had a DSi for him sitting in my closet for over three months . We 're really excited about giving it to him , and we REALLY hope he doesn 't break it . We also got him a certain Pokemon game that he wants . I 'm going to try to get good video of him getting this gift , because we 're sure he 's going to freak out . We are hoping for a reaction like this kid ( YouTube Video ) , but it 's probably going to be more like this kid ( YouTube Video ) . No news for Sophie . She 's still just being cute . She now finds interesting words to append , " ies " to the end of ( " pearsies for pears , " friendsies , " and many more ) . She has become quite a funny little girl . She even gets a lot more jokes now , and her little , " I get it " laugh is super cute . A long while back , when Sophie was learning not to be afraid of water , we used to have her lie down in the tub with a little water and we 'd move her around " like a mermaid " ( in her own words ) . I took a video with my phone , and finally posted it to YouTube . Yeah , it 's got a naked girl in it , but it doesn 't show anything she 'd be too embarrassed about later in life , I hope . She has had a strong interest in letters recently , learning to spell her name and recognize most of the letters in her name . Of course , when she spells her name , she goes through the , " S - O - P - H - I , " then she gets distracted by the " H , I " and continues with , " J , K , L … " She recognizes the " S " the " O " and the " P " most of the time , though sometimes " corrects " herself and says that the " O " is a circle ( which it is , but not when that circle is being a letter ) . Oh , and in November we took Sophie in for yet another MRI . Things are looking great in that little girl 's head . No new tumor growth , and her brain is finally starting to look more like a normal one ( some of the cavities that expanded when the fluid built up and where the tumor was may never go completely away , but they are minor and hardly noticeable now ) . Also , the one year anniversary of her surgery is this Saturday ( the surgery was on a Friday last year ) . We are full of gratitude this year for all that happened last year and we are looking forward to spending the holidays with that beautiful little girl again . As for what lies ahead , we still don 't know . We 're waiting to get an appointment with the man who can help determine what to do from here . We 'll let you know as soon as we know anything . Well , that 's it for this month . Shortly after Christmas I 'll make an effort to get all of the videos and photos we take posted . Thanks in advance to all of you who may or may not have sent or are sending gifts , money or love . We appreciate all that you do as our cherished and beloved family , friends and blog readers . So for Rochelle 's trip down to Mississippi , we reserved a compact four - door car , but little did we know the place we were renting from didn 't actually have any cars to rent . They are a little Avis satellite location nestled into the corner of a Sears Auto Center store . They get their cars from … elsewhere . So , we show up and the lady at the counter suddenly realizes that she had no idea what vehicle she could give us . She called up her … other location and asked what they had in the compact four - door category . Nothing . Guess what Rochelle got to drive down to Mississippi ? That 's right , the ugliest darn car on the road . While Rochelle and the kids were gone I had some time to myself , which usually drives me mad . Since I was finishing up a Network + class the first few days of their trip , I took the opportunity to play with our wireless router since I 'd have time to get it working again before it affected anyone but me . It needed a few adjustments , but I had long since forgotten the administrator password . For a fun read about how I figured it all out and got it tuned up , you 'll have to check my personal blog . Funny thing about the whole experience is that I don 't understand a lick of Swedish . Rochelle is busy retelling her life story to a close friend on the phone , so I 'm not going to bother asking what she 's reading right now . Last I saw she was reading something on her nook , meaning she must have finally finished that Anne series of books . I do know that , since I have been working twelve hour shifts lately and haven 't been able to read to Micah for a while , she has started reading that " Series of Unfortunate Events " book to Micah ( the first one , obviously - or at least , I hope ) . Next month I 'll cover more of what she 's read that 's interesting . For a moment I thought she was going to be done , but she just launched into another long episode that is going to last longer than I want to be awake . I 'm glad she has people to talk to , because if she were talking to me ( which would be welcome most of the time ) I 'd never get this done . Sophie , Mom and I drove to Mississippi . So while Sophie was reading a book , I played my Didj ( 1 ) . We finally came to Mississippi . It was a BLAST ! ! ! My mom 's cousin Sarah played spy with me . Do you know why we played spy ? Because my almost - aunt Emily ( 2 ) was putting on extra makeup ( 3 ) . If you really know me call me S . A . M . ( 3 ) I got to touch clay mixed with sand . We went to a baby shower , and a birthday . We went to Ruby Tuesdays . We saw my two cousins . Grandma came with us ! ( 4 ) We went home . Have a good summer , folks ! A few days before Rochelle and the kids went to Mississippi for the weekend , Sophie was supposed to be taking a nap one afternoon when it was discovered that she had stripped herself of all clothing , removed her diaper , and relieved her bladder on the carpet , creating a fun little puddle to stomp around in and poke at . I thought it was funny , Rochelle did not . The best part was , when I went to get the little girl dressed , I couldn 't find the clothes she had removed from her body . She was on the ground waiting for me to dress her and I asked her where her clothes were . She pointed to the closet and said , " Right there . " Indeed they were put away rather neatly inside her closet , packed into a drawer of her dresser . I was impressed . So was Rochelle . More recently Sophie has become even more cute . She will now randomly announce , " I have a superpower . " When asked what the superpower is , she responds , " good . " She also tenderly puts her baby down for a nap . She tucks the doll into her big girl bed , turns on the CD player for the baby , and puts up the gate in the doorway so the baby can 't get out ( well , she leans the gate in place , but does an excellent job ) . I 'm telling you , every moment I spend away from this little girl is a moment I could have been witnessing something cuter than anything anyone else has ever seen . She is also beginning to take more of an interest in potty training . She will now request a diaper change at the proper time ( after doing her business , unfortunately ) . Sometimes she even asks to go on the toilet . If we don 't get to her the very instant she wants to go , she removes all of her clothes ( not just her pants and diaper ) , climbs up on the toilet , and does her thing . Unfortunately she only does it for number one , not the other one . She did , however , hand Rochelle a nice , full , stinky diaper full of number two the other day . Luckily none of the poo strayed from the diaper . Last month was interesting . Micah , Rochelle and I all survived an awful 48 hour stomach bug that made us throw up like a cement truck laying the foundation for a new Super Wal - Mart . It was no fun . So , we shared it with our good friend on the day before her birthday ( sorry about that again ) . Sophie somehow managed to dodge that illness , thankfully . Tomorrow we 're going back to the pool . I 'll try to remember to take more photos this month . You 'll notice that this month all of the photos come from Rochelle 's album . A big thanks to her for doing something interesting enough to photograph , otherwise I wouldn 't have had any good photos for you . Have a wonderful Summer month , enjoy life , and we 'll see you next month . Not physically , unfortunately , but we 'll see you nonetheless . On here , the blog . Just making sure . Alright , later . You get the point . This post is titled " Off Balance " because that 's the way we all feel around here . I 've been on a night shift working from seven pm to seven am . It 's the same nice Panama schedule from before ( two days on , two days off , three on , two off , two on , three off , etc . - I only work 50 % of the days in a two week period ) . The only problem is , even on my " days " off , I still have to keep the same night - life schedule . I do not like the night - life , and it is not family friendly . I 'm beginning to feel like a guest in my own home . This night shift won 't last forever , and when it 's over we 'll all feel better . Some of you may remember that Rochelle got a Fitbit for her birthday last month . She has really been enjoying it , and it does a good job helping her track how much physical activity she gets and how well she 's sleeping . Her only complaint is that it isn 't an implant - there have been times that she 's gone out and done a lot of walking ( like when she went with a friend and Sophie to an Air Show ) but left the Fitbit at home . While she can go in to the online application and manually log the activity ( guessing as best she can at how much and how intense the activity was ) , the Fitbit 's automatic tracking of your movements is much more reliable and easier . So , she really likes all of the information that it makes available to her automatically . Apart from occasionally forgetting to put it on , she hasn 't had too many problems with it falling off . She hasn 't done any serious jogging outdoors with it on , so that sort of activity might be more likely to cause it to fall off . Knowing how much she detests jogging , I doubt we 'll ever know . I have made laughable progress in the Philosophy book that I am " reading . " Most of my reading time has been poured into catching up with my growing stack of magazines . The rest of my time has been spent on less productive entertainment endeavors . Basically , after midnight , I lose all motivation to do anything productive . I really want to sleep . No matter how much sleep I get during the day , it just feels wrong to be awake all night . Reading can often make me want to sleep even more . So , I just haven 't gotten much reading done . Rochelle recently enjoyed Hunger Games and Water for Elephants ( she warns it had some adult themes ) . She is currently reading Morning Glory . It is also after seven in the morning and I want to post this before I go to sleep . So if you want details or her opinions on any of those books , post your questions in the comments and we 'll get back to you . Yesterday ( 1 ) I went to my friends ( 2 ) house to have a brownie sundae . I watched Matthew and Clay 's brother play a video game . Then Austin said it was time to eat a brownie sundae . Then everyone jumped up and eat ( 2 ) . Then we left . ( 3 ) Sophie is probably the most exciting of all of us . Most recently , she is being weened from her pacifier . Rochelle and I had both expressed a desire last year to take the pacifier away when she turned two , but just a couple months prior to her second birthday she had brain surgery , and her comforting pacifier became more important than ever . We didn 't want to rip it away in her time of need , so we held off . Shortly after her surgery , though , we did begin restricting the pacifier 's use to nights and nap - time only . This worked well , and she quickly ceased asking for it during the day . So , with my three - day weekend falling on this weekend , and since my night - time schedule requires me to be awake all night anyhow , we decided this would be a good weekend to take away the pacifier for good . Friday morning when I got home from working the previous night , we took Sophie and her pacifier to the kitchen trashcan . We explained what was going to happen and why , then we had her help us cut the pacifier to render it unusable ( she called it " yucky " afterward ) . After she inspected the two pieces , we had her throw them away in the trash . Then we took the whole trash bag out of the can and she helped me walk it out to the dumpster . We had her say her final goodbyes , and that was the end . I went to bed , and Rochelle kept the kids busy enough that Sophie didn 't even get a nap in ( so she didn 't get to see how well she would nap without it ) . Due to her excessive exhaustion , Sophie slept through the night without a hitch . When we first tucked her into bed she did ask for the pacifier , but we reminded her that it was gone . She recited , " yucky , " and , " trash . " Then she turned onto her side and went to sleep . Then , Saturday night came . Nap time came late enough in the day that she fell asleep on her own , never even asking for the pacifier . At night when we tucked her in , she asked for it again . Once more I said it was all gone . She said , " go get it . " I said , " it 's in the trash , remember ? " She said , " yucky . " I said , " that 's right . You 're a big girl now and you don 't need it so we threw it away . " She went to bed right away after that . Another amazing night ? No . Around midnight she began screaming and crying . Our air conditioner runs so loud that I didn 't hear Sophie until the screaming got really intense . By that time Rochelle was already out of bed trying to comfort the little girl . I relieved her of duty and tried to calm the hysterical princess myself . Eventually , I got her to lie down on my chest ( like she did when she was a little baby ) . She protested loudly at first , but eventually calmed down and got comfortable . We talked about what she might want to do the next day . Coloring on the sidewalk with chalk is fun . Singing songs can be fun . What songs would you want to sing ? ABC song . Popcorn song . Twinkle Little Star song . Our conversation went on for a little longer . I also deliberately avoided talking about anything on the television , because somehow she is smart enough to know that I 'm awake anyway , and if I deemed it necessary , I could take her down to watch a show until she fell asleep . I didn 't want to set that precedent though since it would not be an option for Rochelle when I am at work . Eventually Sophie said , " I 'm sleepy . Sleep in bed ? " After tucking her back in she quietly asked , " Pacifier ? " I ignored the inquiry , asking her instead about her plans for the morning again . We talked a little more . Eventually she told me " good night . " She asked for several kisses , gave me some kisses on my scruffy cheeks , and I left quietly . Our stairs creak horribly . You can 't sneak up or down them unless you 're floating . I did my best . An hour later she cried out . I called softly up the stairs , " Go to sleep , Sophie . " She did , I guess . It 's now just after one in the morning . No longer am I amazed . This is what I expected the first night , and after that impossibly perfect night , I began to suspect that the second night might be the hardest . I was right . I 'm also beginning to wonder if skipping the nap for a while might make night time sleep easier on everyone . I 'll bring that up with Rochelle in the morning . I 'm hoping that Sunday night will go better , because Monday night I work . I hope we haven 't opened a can of worms with this . If Monday night is still hard , Rochelle will be on her own until Wednesday night . Within the next couple of months we will be taking her in for her six month post - operative MRI . We are somewhat nervous about this one . Not because of anything we 've observed in Sophie , but because most of the surgery related inflammation should be largely gone , and if they see anything unusual it will be a tumor . We are confident that she has been healthy and normal , so we are 70 % confident that she will be clean . There is so much that we do not know though , and we are constantly praying for the best . We also are aware of and grateful for all of your prayers . We 've been busy surviving around these parts . As I 'm sure many of you are aware , our area has been hit with record snowfall this winter , and winter is not over yet . On the radio I heard that the last time this area saw snow like this was over a hundred years ago . Whether that 's true or not , I haven 't seen snow like this since I lived in Colorado ( and even then it may not have been quite this much ) . Unfortunately , he is extremely intolerant of any pain that hurts less than broken bones . When he 's really hurt bad , you 'd hardly know it because of how well he handles the pain . When it 's just a little scrape , bruise or neck cramp though , you 'd think he was going to die . And that 's how he sounded all day long . We couldn 't get him to relax to let the muscle loosen up , and he refused to embrace the pain long enough to work the muscle and rub the cramp out . So , all day long he walked around with his heck cocked to one side and screamed and cried like a little girl every time he had to move his head . Needless to say , it wasn 't pretty . I 'm just glad it wasn 't something truly painful . Like a muscle spasm . Even as an adult I 've been known to scream and cry out in pain when I get one of those . Outside of today 's incident , however , Micah has been doing relatively well . I 'm thinking of letting him write up his own update next month . We 'll see . If I let him , it promises to be interesting . Sophie just turned two this month , and got one of the best presents ever - A new baby cousin . On the same day as her birthday , my sister gave birth to a beautiful baby boy . If she starts a blog or anything more public than Facebook , I 'll let you all know . Back in our family , though , Sophie had a really great second birthday . Rochelle worked hard and made a great breakfast for her ( with strawberries - her favorite ) , and a really cool Tinker Bell cake . Sophie played out in the snow , played all day inside , pooped on the toilet for the second time ( this was the first time without screaming and crying though ) , and got her very own big girl bed ( which she happily slept in that same night ) . I 've got two videos to sum up the day . One is us playing out in the snow on her birthday . The other is a compilation of the rest of our activities that day ( including cake , presents and playing ) . She really , really liked the card . It had a Disney princess on it . Sophie LOVES Disney princesses . She also really liked the gift . At our YouTube channel you can find a video of Sophie opening their present , and a video of her enjoying it afterward . What we don 't have video or photos of is her loving it even more every day . She has taken that doll to bed with her almost every night , and she carries it so sweetly , like a little mommy . It 's super cute . We are going to have Sophie back in for an MRI sometime toward the end of this month or beginning of next month , and we 'll let you know what we learn then ( if anything ) . So far she has been an absolute menace around the house , opening doors , moving furniture , telling people what to do , and pretty much acting like she 's the boss . I don 't think she 's having any problems with her brain . She 's got a bad case of the terrible twos , but we wouldn 't have it any other way . I 've uploaded a total of seven new YouTube videos to our channel since the last post , and I 've added about twenty new photos to our Family Photo album as well . When you get a chance , make sure you check them out since I only linked to a few of them from this post . As always , we appreciate all of your love , comments and support , and we look forward to hearing from you . If you don 't mind , though , I 'd like to just throw in a quick , shameless plug here . I 'm currently running a fun little contest / giveaway that you may want to check out . I 'm not promising you 'll like the prize that you could win , but entering the contest is fun to do if you 've got nothing better to do . Click here to read the funny rules and get started . Let me tell you . This has been one heck of a month . Our little family has been changed forever . Mostly , our faith has been strengthened and our hearts are full of gratitude in ways they never have been before . You 've become accustomed to me giving a brief overview of things up top then getting into how each of the children are doing in the " How the Kids Are " section . However , because all of us went through the same stressful events last week , I will give the details here , then give a post - mayhem view of how the children are down below . A couple of months ago Sophie reached the pinnacle of her walking ability . I looked through our YouTube channel and found this video from the middle of October where she jumps at the end . I uploaded three videos that day in which she showed remarkable balance and willingness to run , dance and jump . I looked for a video of her walking just before last week , but couldn 't find one . What I found was that shortly after those videos from the middle of October , when she began to fall over more often , wobble and refuse to walk without holding a hand , we stopped taking video of her walking . Almost all of the videos of her between the middle of October and now are of her sitting down . The one exception shows a wobbly Sophie walking while holding Mommy 's hand , two and a half weeks ago . At first you might see that video and think , " she 's just unsure of herself because there 's snow on the ground . " The sad truth is , she had lost her balance due to a physical problem in her brain cavity . We spent a very long time at Walter Reed having Sophie 's blood drawn , having a CT scan done , and waiting around to find out more . Eventually , they called us in , sat us down and showed us a scan of Sophie 's brain . In the right hemisphere of her brain , down in the area called the cerebellum , she had a frighteningly large black oval area . CT scans have a low resolution , and all they could be sure of was that this dark " mass " wasn 't supposed to be there and it needed to be removed at once . Sitting there in that cramped office the news that Sophie 's brain had a large dark mass affecting her coordination and balance hit me like a truck . However , in my usual , stoic - t0 - a - fault manner , I assessed the situation logically . My conclusion ? Our whole family was about to change forever . Nothing would ever be the same . My wife 's reaction was more motherly and woman - like . She had to fight off a strong compulsion to break down in tears . She found the strength to keep the tears back because she didn 't want to stir up distress in Sophie . Rochelle managed to keep the tears back until Friday afternoon after three pm . Because the dark area in the CT scan of her brain was the same color as the other dark areas that are supposed to be dark , they guessed it was cerebral fluid that had formed into a cyst somehow . They speculated it was probably a blood clot of some kind , but it could also be a tumor . If it wasn 't a tumor , all that she needed was for them to stick a straw in there and let it drain , they said ( not in those words , of course ) . She would need an MRI to rule out a tumor . The neurologist arranged for us to be driven out by ambulance to the Children 's National Medical Center in D . C . for the MRI where there would be pediatric neurosurgeons , something Walter Reed does not have on hand , in case she needed full - blown brain surgery . Also , they had us make Sophie fast in anticipation of the surgery . That fast ended up lasting over forty - eight hours . It made Sophie very , very angry . The ambulance didn 't arrive until late at night . I met Rochelle and Sophie over at the Children 's Hospital where we were put up in a room until the next morning when they would sedate her and take her in for an MRI . I went home that night , but in the morning I took Micah to school and went back to join Rochelle while Sophie was in her forty minute MRI . The MRI was over around eleven in the morning on Friday the 18th of December , and she went in to surgery with Dr . Magge ( pronounced " Ma - gee " ) at 1 : 30 PM . After the pre - surgery preparations , they officially began the operation at 2 : 10 . It was then that it hit me : my little girl was having brain surgery . That 's a big deal . Knee surgery is bad , open heart surgery is significant . Brain surgery is huge . My mind went over the events between the MRI in the morning and the surgery in the afternoon over and over during the surgery . An hour and a half after the MRI , Dr . Magge had come to meet us in the room where we were waiting with our baby , who was hooked up to four IVs , a breathing tube , and a zillion sensors for everything from heart rate to blood oxygen levels . He told us that the MRI revealed what the CT scan couldn 't - there was a thin layer of non - brain material ( a tumor ) surrounding the cyst of cerebral fluid . They needed to get in there to drain the fluid and scrape out as much of the tumor as they could safely get to without poking around too much in her brain . The area of operation was close enough to the spinal column that there was a terrifying list of possible side effects alongside the surgery . Sometime around six pm we were waiting to hear an update from the nurse who was in the surgery . She had been coming out every once and a while to tell us how things were coming along in surgery . However , she hadn 't been out for a few hours , and we were getting anxious . When we least expected it , the actual surgeon walked in to the waiting room . That meant he was done . I had to remind myself to keep breathing . What had happened ? Did he have good news or bad news ? The look on his face didn 't alarm me , it must be good . He said that they had been able to remove all of the tumor that they could see , and she had been fine the whole time with no complications . We wouldn 't know if all of the tumor was out until they did a second MRI at a later time , but they had secured the piece of skull with titanium brackets and sewn her up with a single suture that would dissolve in three or four weeks . When Sophie woke up from the surgery she was mad at the world . She was still groggy and cranky , and she was hungry . The first thing she asked for was chocolate milk and bananas , and after a while she began demanding an apology from the hospital staff ( " I want say sorry , " she said through sobs and tears ) . That night a friend of ours from Church came out to get Rochelle and take her home , and I stayed with Sophie . The evening brought the beginnings of a terrible snow storm ( not so terrible for me being from the Rocky Mountains , but terrible for the East Coast ) . At first the snowfall was slow and beautiful , but by the morning when they began to sedate Sophie for her post - operation MRI more than a foot of snow had accumulated on the roads . Saturday morning she had her second MRI , then we went back to our room and waited . Sophie was cranky and hungry after waking from the sedation , but I was happy to see her recovering so well from the surgery . She wanted all sorts of things she couldn 't have since we were still introducing her back into a diet of solids . They couldn 't find a sippy cup for her to drink from , so we cut the tip of a bottle nipple wide open for her to use . As you can see from the photo , she was still groggy and angry . She also refused to give up the bottle , probably out of fear that we would make her fast again . Slowly , they began removing IVs and sensors as she proved to them that she didn 't need them . At first she was hesitant to walk , probably because of the IV still in her foot , but once that was removed I let her roam around the room a bit , watching closely to make sure she wouldn 't fall down . Sometime Saturday afternoon Dr . Magge ( the brain surgeon who did her operation ) had seen the MRI images from that morning and came by to share them with me . While Sophie slept and a nurse watched her , the doctor took me to a computer to show me what he could see . He reminded me that the radiologist was the expert who would analyze the images and declare the final " reading . " However , being a surgeon with lots of experience in these things , he felt confident that the radiologist wouldn 't be able to find any tumor left . He showed me the before and after MRI scans , and the difference was staggering . There was still a cavity where the cyst had squished the brain , but that would slowly return to its natural form over time , he assured me . The channel that normally drained the fluid that had caused the cyst had opened back up to its original size , and that was the important thing for recovery . He assured me that she probably wouldn 't need any additional surgeries for this instance , and as long as the tumor was benign ( as had been his impression when he held the mass in his hands in surgery ) , she shouldn 't require any additional treatment in the future . By Sunday , she was more stable on her feet than before the surgery . We arranged to have someone experienced with winter driving bring Rochelle to the hospital along with her mother , who had flown in Saturday from Mississippi . Sophie had been asking for mom , but the snow storm had closed most of the roads all day Saturday , and even the hospital staff had to sleep in the hospital Saturday night . The visit with mom went well . Sophie held her and hugged her for a long time before falling asleep on her . By later that evening when someone else came to pick mom up , Sophie was much more content ( and mommy had painted her nails , so she felt prettier ) . By the evening that day , the doctors were talking about possibly discharging her on Monday , as long as she continued to recover so quickly . The only problem was that her last IV in her hand was beginning to hurt . After an hour of working with the nurses I urged them to remove it . They agreed and Sophie felt much better . Also that evening , the official reading of the MRI from the radiologist came in . From what his expert eyes could see , all of the tumor had been removed . I called my wife and my mother . A wave of relief could be felt rippling throughout my world , in and out of homes everywhere we had family or friends . Through the magic of smart phones and Facebook , I had kept people up to date with as much news as I had , but this was the best news I had shared so far . The rest of her recovery was still going perfectly . She held down all of the foods we had fed her , and she had plenty of energy between naps and sleeping at night . She didn 't sleep all through the night , but she also didn 't wake up more than should be expected . She was filling all of her diapers with copious amounts of urine , but she still hadn 't had a bowel movement , which was my only remaining concern ( and it was minor ) . She was horribly constipated and required some assistance getting the feces out . I had to call in a nurse after looking under her diaper and seeing what was trying to get out . Without being too gross , let me just say that the process more closely resembled child - birth than a normal defecation , only without all the blood . The best part of Monday was when the doctor visited in the morning and he mentioned that she would " possibly " be discharged that day . When I asked him what made the discharge possible rather than definite , he said it would be up to me . So , knowing that Sophie was recovering nicely and she seemed to be mostly back to her old self without showing any signs of being sick or having additional problems due to the surgery , I said I wanted to take her home as soon as possible . He said he could have the paperwork done in half an hour . I rejoiced . So , after the laborious bowel movement , the nurse brought us the discharge paperwork , loaded Sophie into a wheelchair , and we went down to the parking garage where I couldn 't find my car . A kind parking attendant walked all over the garage in the cold winter weather pushing buttons on my key fob looking for my car . By the time he found it , Sophie had fallen asleep . I drove her home , expertly navigating the snow and ice - covered roads like anyone who grew up in the mountains should be able , and at long last we arrived at our home . Sophie was so excited she exclaimed , " yeah ! " louder and with more enthusiasm than I had ever heard her do it before . In news specific to Micah , he is doing pretty well . Yesterday he broke down in tears when asked about a book he had left on the floor in his closet rather than returning it to its rightful place in the bookshelf downstairs . After several specific questions it turned out he was so upset because he had the intention of lying about the location of the book before I stumbled upon it during a routine check of his closet 's cleanliness . He knows there are severe consequences for lying , but he was equally upset by the possibility of consequences for intending to lie . I assured him that there were no consequences since he didn 't actually tell a lie , but that this was a good lesson on deciding ahead of time to always tell the truth . Sophie is doing very well . She 's laughing more , talking more , walking better and still a picky eater . She 'll repeat just about any word she hears , and is learning a lot of new words . She ate snow for the first time yesterday , she likes wearing bows on heard ( present packaging bows ) and can say , " bow . " She loves saying , " bless you " ( buss - oo ) when people sneeze , " excuse me " ( a - mee - mee ) when people burp , and saying " eyebrow " while touching your eyebrows . Also , she loves zippers , and is obsessed with operating them , no matter where they may be located ( such as one 's crotch ) . We 're really looking forward to watching her continue to gain her balance back and get back to where she can dance , run and jump . Her brain was squished pretty bad , and as it expands the capabilities that area is responsible for may get slightly worse before getting better ( two steps forward , one step back , repeat ) . So far , though , she has made steady progress , and she has a prescription for physical therapy to give us an opportunity to work with professional children 's therapists to help her get back to where she was before the incident . The back of her head should heal quickly , but this was not what we were expecting for her first haircut . When a nurse began to remove little patches of her hair to make bald spots to place markers on her skull for the MRI , I informed her that she was the first person to ever cut Sophie 's hair . The poor nurse nearly died . She felt so bad , but I assured her it wasn 't a problem . We are looking forward to the day when we can even out her hair with a nice haircut that won 't look so odd . Luckily , the rest of her hair is long enough to do a kind of " comb - over " to nearly hide the large bald spot . It just makes her hair look really thin there . The final chapter in this story will be written when the pathology of the tumor comes back in the coming week . Tomorrow I can call their office to check and see if the results are in . If the tumor was benign and harmless , then we will be mostly done with the whole ordeal and we can begin to move on with our lives without worrying too much more about this issue . If not , we may have chemotherapy or some other form of radiological treatment to overcome before completely leaving this behind . I didn 't think to bring our regular camera to the hospital ( it didn 't feel like a vacation ) , so all of the photos I took are in the Cell Phone Photos album . I 'll take more photos with the regular camera for Christmas though . Also , you can find at least one video of Sophie at the hospital on our YouTube channel . I uploaded two , but only one is available because of some digital errors in the second video . There is a fourth video , but it is impossibly long to upload from the phone , and it may have errors as well . In case you 're wondering , Rochelle and I handled the whole thing rather well , considering . While it was happening , I didn 't have time to stop and think about it , but when strangers began commenting and offering their condolences , I realized that brain surgery on a little girl not even two years old isn 't something people take lightly . Rochelle and I received a lot of strength and support from so many directions , I can 't possibly thank them all . Of course , the largest source of strength for all of our family has been the Lord and His gospel . He has blessed us greatly . There are a number of amazing facts associated with what we 've gone through that , summed up , point to only one conclusion - we were highly favored of the Lord in this matter . The care we received at the Children 's Hospital was superb . The nurses were all wonderful people who genuinely cared for our daughter and even for our own wellbeing . On several occasions the nurses cared for my wife or me with the same tenderness as they tended to our little girl . Geographically we couldn 't have been in a better location without living across the street from the Children 's Hospital . This , of course , is due to when it happened . Had it happened any other time , we would have been in a less convenient location . Where we were living in California the nearest facility that could have helped Sophie was over three hours away . I could sit here and type about the many blessings we received through all of this , but I 'll spare you the word count . Regardless of whether you helped by prayer or by driving us through the snow , putting yourself and your property in harm 's way , we thank you from the bottom of our hearts . This holiday season , this Christmas , our family is celebrating Thanksgiving . We are full of gratitude beyond what we have ever felt before both to the Lord and to our friends and family . So before I run on and on about this , I 'll just leave you with one final thank you . Since Wenesday , we have had a roller coaster of an adventure . Sophie had a cellular mass in her brain that created a blockage keeping cerebral fluid from properly flowing through a channel near the mass . This created a rather large cist that put lots of unwanted pressure on the part of her brain responsible for balance , coordination and gait ( among other things ) . Yesterday my baby had brain surgery . They drained the cist and scraped out all of the tumor that they could see . She woke up from the surgery strong and angry at the world , but also beggigng for chocolate milk and fruit snacks . They couldn 't let her eat because she had a breathing tube during the surgery that had only recently been removed , and they didn 't want her to throw it all up . Right now Sophie is sleeping . Hopefully , in just half an hour or so she will go in for an MRI to determine if all of the tumor was removed in the surgery she had yesterday . Because they are going to put her under for the MRI she is still fasting . Don 't want to use an RSS feed reader to subscribe ? Get new post notifications by e - mail instead ! Subscribing and unsubscribing is easy . Enter your e - mail address below and click " Sign me up ! " Top ClicksNoneBest Articles Haddad Family News · News , happenings and events in the Haddad family . Create a free website or blog at WordPress . com . Haddad Family News Create a free website or blog at WordPress . com . Post to |
We saw Psychiatrist this afternoon . I told her about Daughter 's recent challenges . She asked Daughter if she 'd ever seen Dances with Wolves . I have , but Daughter hasn 't . She told Daughter she needed to watch it , because it is about a man who chooses his own tribe , where he fits in . She agreed that Daughter needs to put any thought of reconnecting with the people who hurt her out of her mind . She also increased her depakote some more , her blood level is still low , and she 's concerned about the ongoing difficulties with sleep . We went shopping and bought Dances with Wolves while we were in Big City . Daughter and I will watch it together this weekend . We 'll follow that up with more conversation . Daughter is doing well today , and has been able to handle frustration . She is improving . Hopefully this increase of depakote will keep her moods more stable . Posted by So after bragging about how I had solved the problem of Daughter 's distress by brutally explaining why she couldn 't have contact with her birth family . She asked for permission to go watch a show she had recorded , and then come back and resume her work . She 'd been cooperative and worked hard , so I allowed it . . Dr . Jekyll went upstairs , but it was Mr . Hyde who came back down . After raging , threats , wanting to die , and lots of drama , I asked what the show she had watched had been about . She immediately said that had nothing to do with anything . . " What was it about ? " . " Adoption . " . It 's taken a while , but she just came down and told me how scared she is . I explained that her body felt fear whenever she thought about contacting her birth family , because her body remembers that they aren 't safe . I reminded her again that her safety is my number one priority . . She apologized , hugged me , and promised to make tomorrow a better day . Posted by After two days of acting out , being difficult , and expressing a desire to die , I asked Daughter last night how she was thinking about S ( birth brother J 's daughter ) . She looked at me with great exasperation and said , " A lot . " . She told me it should be against the law to split up families . I told her it is against the law to do to children the things that those people did to her . . Then I got rather brutal . She was removed from that home prior to the age of 3 . She had been repeatedly molested during her time with them by all the male members of her family . I pointed out to her that when she had talked to E ( birth mother ) 2 years ago , she had commented that she sounded like a child . I explained that that was the reason E couldn 't be her mother , because she was like a child , and had been unable to protect Daughter . I told her because E is so much like a child , she doesn 't understand the current reality . I told her that E was wrong about S looking exactly like Daughter . I reminded her that E wasn 't around her when she was that age , and so she didn 't know what Daughter had looked like . I told her I had been around her , and that the only similarities were that S and Daughter were both girls with brown skin . She quickly added , " and brown eyes and black hair . " I agreed , and pointed out there are millions of girls who fit that description . I told her that E wanted S to look like her so that E could do with S the things she hadn 't been able to do with Daughter . . I pointed out that S was safe , because S 's mom had been smart enough to divorce J . I told her she could pray for S . I told her she wasn 't responsible for S . I told her that J , E , R and S were no longer her family , because they didn 't know how to be a family . I asked her if she remembered what had happened last time she had even limited contact with E . She did , and acknowledged that she didn 't want to go through that again ( 3 psych hospitalizations in less than 2 months ) . I told her that if she wanted to focus on a little girl , think about her cousin . At first she was Reverend Mom I received the order for the lithium and depakote levels in the mail from Psychiatrist today . Actually , it was her nurse that wrote out the order . Under diagnosis it was written quite clearly : schizoaffective disorder . Now this possibility has been thrown around for the last 8 years or so , but the two psychiatrists she 's had long term have both sought to reassure me that they really thought we were just seeing severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder . I guess it doesn 't make much difference what is causing her to become psychotic , whether it 's PTSD or something else , but it was jarring to see it written out there in black and white . . I keep hoping she 'll heal . I keep hoping she 'll find stability . I think it 's time to change my hopes . I think I 'll celebrate that I recognized the mania early this time , so we were able to get on top of it more quickly . I 'll celebrate the fact that she 's recognizing that her reactions to me are not always rational , and that she needs to work on that . I 'll celebrate the fact that there are medications that can help control the symptoms , and that we like Psychiatrist . I 'll celebrate the fact that Therapist looks beyond the label and genuinely likes and cares about Daughter . . I 'll celebrate those things . I 'll give thanks that I work in a field where I can rearrange my schedule to transport her to her various doctors . No matter what the label , I will always love her . It was just disturbing to see it written out in black and white . Posted by Daughter informed me this morning that she is having a mid - life crisis . She is quite advanced , to be experiencing this crisis at age 22 . Her birth brother has a daughter who will be having a birthday this Friday . This niece has Daughter 's first name as a middle name . Daughter has seen pictures of her . Two years ago , I helped Daughter contact her birth mother . Birth mother told her all about Niece and how she is exactly like Daughter . Daughter also wrote her birth brother , but he never bothered to write back . . In the aftermath of the contact , Daughter had three psychiatric hospitalizations in less than two months . I know many adoptive parents encourage ongoing contact with the birth family . Any contact Daughter has ever had has always triggered psychotic episodes , so at the advice of Psychiatrist and Therapist , I have not allowed contact . Two years ago we thought she was ready for it and set it up quite carefully , with letters first and then a phone call . The phone call was too much . Daughter worries about Niece , because she fears for her safety . Niece 's mother was smart and got a divorce , so hopefully Niece is now safe . But Daughter still worries , and feels that since Niece is " exactly like her " she is somehow responsible for Niece 's safety . I 've seen the pictures , and Niece does not look like Daughter . The only similarity is that they both have brown skin and are female . . Daughter came down and told me that Friday will be Niece 's birthday . She said , " I don 't talk about her much anymore . I don 't know why , I guess I 'm having some sort of mid - life crisis . " I need to call Case Manager this morning and ask her to inform staff not to encourage Daughter to seek contact with Niece . When Daughter took pictures in of Niece and birth brother 2 years ago , they made a huge fuss , telling her birth brother was " hot " and that they could see that Niece looked like her and encouraging her to go visit them . Since Niece lives thousands of miles from her and her birth brother was in Iraq at that time , even if it had been safe , a visReverend Mom A number of years ago , a colleague shared with me a question that had stumped him in an interview . He was asked , " What is God teaching you right now ? " It 's a question I have come back to a number of times since , and I reflected on it last week as I prepared my sermon for today . I believe that right now I am learning to live in uncertainty . Like most people , I want to have some sense of control over my life . The last few months , though , between my parents health problems and Daughter 's issues have been full of unexpected twists and turns . It has been hard to plan anything , because I 've been living on edge , waiting for the call that will cause me to drop everything and head off to be with family as we mourn the death of a parent . I have been torn about seeking a new position , knowing that my ministry in this place is winding down , but facing the reality of limited possibilities near family and a reluctance to move further away in light of my parents ' health issues . Then there have been the larger issues in our society : the economic downturn and now the swine flu ( have I mentioned how many hog farmers there are in the congregation I serve ? ) In short , my life has felt very much out of control . I 'm learning to live in the midst of the chaos , and to make plans and be willing to change plans . I 'm learning that my security comes not from the circumstances around me , but from my faith in God . These aren 't easy lessons , but they are important ones , and I 'm beginning to learn how to put them into practice . I 'm learning not to react to every health change my parents ' experience . I 'm learning to find peace in the midst of the chaos . That is what God is teaching me right now . Posted by This congregation has never understood the needs of the church office . As a result , it has been a battle anytime we need something in the office . Just getting an office and a computer almost split the church . When that first computer began to have problems 8 years later , they demanded to know what we 'd done with it , and assured me that they would not be continuing to sink money into the office . Someone finally donated a rebuilt computer - - complete with a 6 gigabyte hard drive and a corrupted operating system . Even so , it was better than what we 'd been working with . A computer tech came out and finally figured out a bit of a network - - if the secretary saved a file to a specific folder , I could then go in and open it from my laptop . Then there was the internet situation . We were on dial - up , and they thought that was a waste of money . Why did we need it ? Oh , I don 't know , maybe because members email us announcements for the bulletin and articles for the newsletter . Of course , there were complaints when we were downloading a large file and the phone was busy at the office . The connection was so slow the only thing we did on the internet was download email . If we needed anything else , I 'd pack up my computer and come home to get it . They refused to buy us a new copier for years , even though a volunteer had to stand at the machine for a full day feeding the newsletter through one page at a time to get it to print . What once took 2 full days can now be done in less than half a day . We used to use much of the secretary 's time each month on the newsletter . She only works 7 hours a week , so she 'd work less the rest of the month so there would be 16 hours to give to the newsletter . For 2 years I 've been telling them the donated computer was dying . I was told repeatedly it wasn 't a priority . Too much of the secretary 's time was lost to waiting on a very slow computer . Finally , in December , a member donated their old computer and laser printer . Then a man who lived away from here wanted to do something for the church and donaReverend Mom New Boy Friend is now history . I guess I won 't have to worry about summer vacation . Apparently Daughter noticed on her cell phone that he had called her at 9 : 32 last night . She was in bed asleep by then , and is not supposed to have calls after 9 : 00 . He knew that . Today she asked him why he had called her at that time . He claimed he didn 't do it , a friend he was hanging out with made the call , because he thought it would be funny to call and wake Daughter up . . Daughter told him to grow up and broke up with him . At this rate , she 'll have gone through all the men at the sheltered workshop by the end of the summer . I wonder if she 'll then cycle back through them , or give up on romance for a while . . . . I finally heard back from Psychiatrist 's nurse today . We 're doubling Daughter 's depakote and doubling the morning lithium . After 5 days , I take her in for another blood test . They asked again if I was sure she is taking her meds . I assured them she is . I think , though , that I will watch her take them just to be sure . . Daughter came home in a fairly chipper mood today , and has been able to maintain it pretty well . Of course , I haven 't made any demands on her , which helps . She spoke with Case Manager today about her desire for a job in the community . We 're going to start by trying to find her a cleaning job here in town . We 'll see how that goes . CM and I suspect she won 't like it , and that will end her complaining , at least for a while . . I 'm working at getting caught up and back into a normal routine . Today I got my hair cut . I was way past due . I 'm almost done taking out communion to shut - ins . I had hoped to get that done before Easter , but that didn 't work out . Even with the little challenges my parents are experiencing , I 'm managing to stay focused on what 's happening here . I 'm going to register for the conference in June that we attend every year . I know there will be another crisis with my parents , but I 'm not going to sit around waiting for it . I 'll deal with it when it comes . Posted by It seems like my I 'm entrusting my loved ones to the care of incompetent people these days . Dad is not happy at the nursing home where he is for rehab this time . He told Far Away Sister that it is a terrible place . They 've lost all his clothes , which are all labeled from his many stays in rehab . This is the nursing home that Brother really pushed . We hope that Dad is telling him how bad it is . The good news is that Dad is continuing to lose the excess fluid . He 's down to 218 now , the lowest he 's been in month . He still is retaining some fluid , but he was 254 during this most recent hospitalization . . Sister received a call from one of the aides who is going in to the assisted living home and providing care for Mom . The aide is very concerned that Mom is not receiving good care , and is ignored when the aide isn 't there . Sister called the administrator , but we aren 't sure what to do at this point . The reality is that Mom is not capable of telling us what kind of care she is receiving , and we are not able to be there as often as we need to be to keep track of the quality of care she is receiving . She is also losing weight , those hers is not because she 's retaining fluid , hers is because she isn 't eating enough to keep her going . Her weight loss isn 't critical yet , but the trend is there . . Daughter is becoming more manic with each passing day . She is becoming increasingly irritable . She is seeking to pick fights with me . When I refuse to buy in and don 't respond to her , she goes off based on what she thinks I 'm thinking or the way I 'm breathing . The blood work showed that both her lithium and depakote levels are very low , but Psychiatrist has yet to decide what changes to make in her meds . . Tonight she 's back on a rant about how she has to quit the workshop . They don 't have work in currently , and once again they aren 't providing Daughter the structure she needs . She recognizes that they aren 't following through with her plan , which states they are supposed to give her other things to do when there isn 't work in . Right Reverend Mom Last night Daughter came downstairs fuming . She had just gotten off the phone with New Boy Friend . NBF had told her everything that J had said about her . J had told NBF that he didn 't want to be with Daughter , and carefully explained why . Daughter informed me that J was telling stories about her and saying things that weren 't true , and she was going to get him today . . " What has J been saying about you ? " . " He told NBF that I am a church person and he shouldn 't be around me because I am a goody two shoes and a control freak . " . " What 's wrong with going to church ? " . " Nothing ! NBF said he doesn 't have a problem with me going to church . " . " Do you understand what J was telling him ? " . " What do you mean ? " . " J was telling NBF that you are a Christian and that you have clear boundaries and you aren 't going to have sex with him . " . " No he wasn 't ! He said I was churchy and a goody two shoes and a control freak . " . " But that 's what he meant . " . We talked some more , but I told that it was wonderful that that was what J was saying about her , and she should be proud . She told me that she and J had talked , and he believes sex should wait until marriage , too . I 'm skeptical , but at least he knows the right words to say to her . . This morning she told me she was still mad . I suggested she go in and say to J , " Thank you for noticing that I am a Christian ! " . She was at least able to smile at that suggestion . With all the problems she 's had and the terrible things she 's said to me , I am grateful that she represents the values I have tried to teach her at the workshop . Posted by Daughter has a new boyfriend . She talks to him on the phone . They haven 't done anything together outside of the workshop yet . I haven 't met him . According to Daughter 's Case Manager , he 's " experienced . " So this morning Daughter asked me if he can go on vacation with us this summer . Because I 'm so unreasonable , I said no . Posted by It was the day after Easter , and much of my family had come to spend Easter weekend with us . We were living in the inner city back then . On that Monday morning , we journeyed to a court room , where surrounded by family and friends , we completed a journey that had begun over 5 years earlier . Daughter 's adoption was finalized . Following the adoption , we went to a small restaurant where friends and colleagues joined in our celebration as we ate brunch together . There was a large sheet cake with her name on it and a rainbow in the background . She fell in love with rainbows after I explained that the rainbow was a sign of God 's promise never to give up on us . She was in the first grade , and I had big dreams for her . Within a year , she would begin having psychotic episodes . I 'm glad I didn 't know what was coming . With her cycling into mania , it was hard to celebrate yesterday . Right now she has a hair trigger . All I have to do is breathe wrong to set her off . This morning we went and got her blood drawn for Psychiatrist . After breakfast at Cracker Barrel we went to Sam 's Club . She is now pouting on the couch in the living room . She 's warned me to stay away from her . I 'm going to leave her alone , at least for now . Even with all the challenges , I 'm glad I adopted her . I 'm grateful for all that she has added to my life ( maybe not all the stress ) . I have learned and grown tremendously because I am her parent . I think I 'll go back in coming posts and remember some of our journey to adoption day . I still celebrate the day , even when she is not able because of her mental illness . Hopefully Monday Psychiatrist will make the adjustments to her meds that will pull her down from the current mania . Posted by Daughter 's job is to write down her blood sugar , insulin , and carbs for each meal and snack . She does this so we can look for patterns and adjust insulin accordingly . She tests her blood sugar . I calculate carbs , figure insulin , and draw up insulin . She injects the insulin I prepare for her . All insulin is either locked up or in my possession since she OD 'd on insulin . Yesterday she had great blood sugars until evening . Those were high because she was into extra food . This morning I asked her how much insulin I had given her at breakfast yesterday . I couldn 't remember if I 'd given her 6 or 7 units of insulin . She told me I 'd given her 5 . . She didn 't write it down yesterday morning , so she guessed later in the day because she knows she has to have complete records before she can watch TV in the evening . I told her it was wrong and reminded her why she needs to keep records , and how important they are . She has announced that at soon as she gets home tonight she is leaving . She 's not going to celebrate her Adoption Day . I 'm ruining her life ( again ) and she 's not going to put up with me anymore . Posted by I just got off the phone with Case Manager . Daughter had been in her office to tell her about almost being raped last Friday . Case Manager was alarmed . I hadn 't been particularly alarmed . I guess it takes quite a bit to get me riled up these days . Unless it has to do with mismanaging Daughter 's diabetes . Then I get riled up quickly . . Last Friday a couple of Daughter 's buddies called and wanted to come over and hang out . I said it was okay , and allowed them to go upstairs into the TV room . I figured that not much could happen with the three of them together . They were all upstairs for a little while , and then D came downstairs and was putting on his shoes and talking to me . A few minutes later , D and R decided to leave . I asked Daughter about it , and she said they hadn 't had lunch yet so they were going to get lunch . . The next day she told R had been touching her like J did . I listened , but wasn 't too concerned . I told her she 'd done a good job of keeping herself safe , and she was fine . I also pointed out that since they were going together , he probably thought it was okay to touch her . I also pointed out that his last girl friend had been rather promiscuous . I told her I was proud of her . She seemed satisfied . . A couple of days later , she said she needed to talk to me . She wanted to call R 's mom and tell her what had happened . Apparently , R isn 't allowed to have a girl friend . I told her it wasn 't her job to tattle . Then she told me that there had been more that had gone on that she hadn 't told me . She said she 'd almost been raped . Knowing Daughter 's tendency to exaggerate and be overly dramatic , I wasn 't too concerned . I finally figured out that R had exposed himself to her . At that point she had told him it was time for him to leave . They left not because they were hungry , but because Daughter kicked them out . . I had no idea anything was going on . It all happened very quietly . I again assured Daughter that she had handled it well and kept herself safe . I was amazed that she hadn 't been acting out as a result of Reverend Mom Daughter had an appointment with Psychiatrist this evening . Last year Psychiatrist thought that longer days triggered mania for Daughter . So today I was able to report that Daughter is beginning to hear voices . For the last week or so she has been thinking I 'm calling her when I 'm not . This morning she called Sister and left her two 5 minute voice mails about her plans for our adoption day celebration this Friday . She 's going to call John McCutcheon and have him come sing his song Happy Adoption Day at our house for me . Psychiatrist ordered blood tests for her lithium and depakote level and is then going to increase her medication . She wants to see her again 2 weeks . I 'm hoping that we can avoid her getting into full blown mania this time . Daughter had no clue what we were talking about , so I had to explain it to her on the way home . We 'll get the blood work done Saturday morning . I 'll have to take her to breakfast after , of course . She 's already lobbying for Cracker Barrel . Posted by I managed to avoid my Holy Week sinusitis this year , for which I am grateful . Or , I should say , I avoided it during Holy Week . By Sunday evening I was coughing and losing my voice . Between Holy Week and my parents ' health struggles , I have fallen behind on so many things , so this week is going to be a week of playing catch up . . Of course , playing catch up is not particularly fun , so the fact that I 'm not feeling great will make it more challenging . This morning we went over to the church office and discovered we didn 't have any power . They are replacing the electrical box in the boiler room , and apparently the office outlets are on that box . Interestingly , the light fixtures aren 't . Without power , we couldn 't do the work we needed to do , so we rescheduled office hours for tomorrow morning . . One of the trustees came over and replaced the ballast on the florescent fixture in my kitchen today . I 've had a strobe light recently . Fortunately , Daughter 's seizures aren 't triggered by strobe lights ! The trustee is a farmer , and it 's raining today , so it 's a good day for doing inside work . It took some doing , but he got the light fixture working properly , and I 'm grateful . . I 'm going to do some commentary work today for my sermon , and I may do some more work on my office . I got a good start in their yesterday , but there was an unbelievable pile of papers to sort through . We aren 't going to see the sun until Thursday , so I have a feeling I will be dragging all week . Sinusitis , post - Easter let down , catching up on old work , and gray days all add up to make it very hard to get moving . Posted by I had alarms set for 5 : 00 , 5 : 15 , and 5 : 20 this morning so I wouldn 't oversleep . I had to be at the church at 6 : 30 to complete preparations for the Sunrise Service . I lead worships for all sizes of crowds and in all sorts of settings . I 've preached at regional gatherings of churches and at large funerals . I 've had to improvise when key parts of the service fell through at the last minute . In short , I 'm comfortable leading worship , and it takes a great deal to rattle me . The most stressful worship service I 'm involved in is the Sunrise Service on Easter Sunday . Every year I end up sweating and pacing before it 's over . Our Sunrise Service is led by our youth . Teenagers don 't do well with getting up and getting to the church by 6 : 30 on a Sunday morning . We 've had to call and wake them up because they 've overslept . The service starts at 7 : 00 , and we 've had key leaders rush in at 6 : 59 . Then there are all the speaking parts . Will they hold the microphone close enough to their mouths ? Will they pronounce the Biblical names correctly ? ( O said Magdalene differently every time he read it today - - which was about 5 times , and never correctly ) . Will they speak slowly and clearly so the elderly people can understand them ? Will they be paying attention so they catch their cues ? ( D just sat there when he was supposed to be leading the call to worship . He was waiting for the organ prelude , all there had been was a piano prelude . ) Every year I stress . I ended up standing in the back of the church pacing this morning . ( I had gone back to adjust the level on one of the microphones and didn 't bother returning to my pew . ) I couldn 't believe how much I was sweating . Every year , the kids pull it off . They may drive me crazy , but they come through in the end . This year was no exception . As part of that service , we flower a cross , which is pictured above . We then shared a delicious breakfast and had our main service of worship at 9 : 30 . We had a good crowd . My computer and printer weren 't on speaking terms this morning ( it took 2 reboots ) , Reverend Mom We had a worship service last night , so we don 't have one today . Daughter is off today , and wants to go out and have fun . Even though I 'm not leading worship , I 'm not going out to have fun . I will spend much of this afternoon in prayer and reflection , which will drive Daughter crazy ( which will not be conducive to quiet reflection on my part . ) Since we are staying home for Easter , we will need to figure out what we are having for Easter dinner and make a grocery list . Tomorrow we will have a significant amount of running around to do in town . I just gave Daughter a chore list for today , in hopes of keeping her occupied and out of my hair . She began with protests , of course , but is now adding to it . I 've promised her TV time if she gets things done . Dad is moving to rehab today , but not the one we had hoped for . He 's going to the one Brother picked out that is convenient to Brother . It doesn 't have great inspection reports , and his doctor doesn 't go there . Dad is already saying that when he gets out he wants a live - in for a week . The whole point of rehab was to get him strong enough that he won 't need a live - in , and when he gets home , he tends to get weaker , not stronger . Mom is not doing as well . She is less responsive and engaged . She is eating less . We 're leaving her on hospice . We 're taking one day at a time . Today is Good Friday , and Easter is coming . Posted by Daughter is on insulin . Before meals , she checks her blood sugar and gives herself insulin to cover the carbohydrate content of the food she will be eating . She has a ratio insulin to carbs we use to calculate her insulin needs . The Novolog she takes before meals is a fast acting insulin , so it begins to work within about 15 minutes of taking it . Unless her blood sugar is very high , she takes it right before she eats so that the insulin doesn 't get ahead of her food and cause her to go low . . Today , Daughter was part of a group from the workshop that went out for lunch to a restaurant . They had her test her blood sugar and take her insulin before they left the workshop . At that point , they didn 't even know what she was going to order , so I don 't know how they determined what the carb content of her meal would be . Fortunately , she didn 't have a low while waiting for her meal , but I don 't think they have any concept of how dangerous what they did was . . They are very fortunate , because by the time Daughter got home and told me what had happened , they were gone for the day . By the time I call them on Monday ( they are closed tomorrow ) , I will have had time to cool down . If I were able to reach somebody right now , I would probably saw some things that aren 't very Christian . I think I would definitely say some things that aren 't very Christian . I might even be tempted to use some colorful language . I probably would use some colorful language . . Dad is supposed to be discharged today , but the nursing home doesn 't have a bed available for him . So now he wants to go anyplace he can , but the admission people have already gone home at his second choice . The hospice nurse reports that the care Mom has been getting is not good . Some of my frustration with those situations would probably come out in any conversation I had with the workshop today . Have I mentioned how lucky they are that I can 't talk to them today ? Posted by I 'm actually following through with my ipod . I 'm a little surprised , which is sad . I shouldn 't be surprised that I 'm following through on doing something that is good for me . One of the unexpected benefits has been that I 'm doing more - - more housecleaning , more walking , etc . You see , I can 't just sit and listen , so I 'm getting up and doing physical things while I 'm listening . I 'm currently listening to The Last Week by Marcus Borg and John Dominic Crossan . It 's their interpretation of the events of Holy Week as they are found in Mark . It 's a fascinating book , and I wish I 'd started it earlier so I 'd have more time to digest it before the sermons I have to write this week . I 'm grateful for the intellectual stimulation and the spiritual food . It was money well spent . Posted by The plan was that we would send Mom and Dad for rehab at the nursing home where there doctor is medical director . It wasn 't particularly convenient , but we thought that it was the best choice because their doctor knows their history and would be able to give us an honest assessment of their condition and what kind of care they would need following rehab . We wanted them together so that Dad could let us know if there were problems with the care . With Mom being nonverbal , we have no way of knowing what kind of care she is getting when we aren 't around . . Brother decided that the location of this particular nursing home wasn 't convenient , and he wanted them in a nursing home that would be closer to his home . He convinced Dad of the advantages of being there , and told him how many visitors he would have and how easy it would be for Brother to stop by . So today , Sister gets a call from the hospital saying Dad is being discharged to that nursing home . To say she went ballistic would be an understatement . . Far Away Sister and I had a long conference call with Brother . We laid it all out . He was belligerent . He was defensive . He finally heard us . He went back and told Dad are reasoning , and then offered to handle the admission of both of them to the nursing home on Thursday . The end result was good , but it was an exhausting day . . I came back here determined to put all of those things out of my mind and focus on my people here and their needs . So much for that plan . Daughter overheard part of my conversation with Brother and Far Away Sister , and that set her off . She eventually calmed down and asked what was going on , and I was able to explain it to her . Dealing with the needs of aging parents is hard , and even at a distance , it is exhausting . I 'm glad that we were able to set it up for them to go to the place where they will be able to continue under the care of their doctor . At least , I hope the rest of the pieces will fall into place . Posted by The busiest week of the year began for me yesterday . I 'm not as prepared for it as I normally am at this time , but even my lack of preparation and the chaos that will surround me will not get in the way of the message of this week . Throughout Lent , we have been focusing on our brokenness . Yesterday the entire congregation came forward to glue our broken pieces of clay around a cross . The picture is the result , which was put on display during the final hymn . There are plenty of things to distract me this week . There are some power struggles going on in the family as to what is the best solution for our parents . Daughter is not doing well at all , and her constant lying is exhausting . Dad continues in the hospital , where they are trying to get some of the fluid off . Far Away Sister thinks he is getting tired and may not fight his way back this time . I think she may be right , and that 's okay . All of Lent and Holy Week have been enriched by the health challenges my parents have been facing . Because of Easter , we know their death will bring healing , and we are ready to let go . We will grieve , but we will grieve as people with hope . I 'm going to disengage from the power struggles within my family and pray for peace for all involved . I 'm going to focus on the treasures of this week , and allow them to feed my soul . Posted by Daughter wasn 't home very long last night before she was informing me ( in sweet , dulcet tones , of course ) that I was ruining her life . I actually expected her to help with laundry ! I 'm so unreasonable . I told her she didn 't have to if she didn 't want to have any clean clothes to wear . I can be reasonable . I took my clothes out of the dryer and took care of them , but hers I dumped on top of the washing machine . . Dad is being admitted to the hospital today . He was getting weaker with each passing day , and his kidney function was declining . He 's also becoming increasingly confused . All of this , of course , is a direct result of his congestive heart failure . He will be sent to the nursing home where his doctor is medical director for rehab , and when he is sent for rehab , Mom will be taken off hospice and sent there for rehab , as well . The improvement she was experiencing with each passing day was amazing . Of course , improvement is relative . She 'll never be able to carry on a conversation with us again . . Brother has renewed his campaign to have them in a nursing home closer to him . At this point , our priority is still having their doctor overseeing their care . Brother just doesn 't seem to be able to understand our concerns in that area . We don 't know yet what the long term answer is going to be for them . Our hope is that the time in rehab overseen by their doctor will give us a better idea of what kind of care they need and how best to provide for that . We still are facing some very tough decisions , but our hope is that this will give us more information to help us make those decisions . . I don 't know when I 'm going to be headed back in that direction . We 're into Holy Week now , and my focus needs to be on worship and the needs of my congregation . I didn 't get anything done on a sermon for tomorrow while I was away . I need to get out to visit the shut - ins with communion this week . Ministry here among my people will take my time and energy this week . . Hopefully , Daughter will be somewhat cooperative . Hopefully . At least shReverend Mom We arrived home a little while ago , with much still hanging in the air with my parents . This morning , Daughter set about packing all of our dirty clothes into the bigger of our two suitcases . I don 't allow her to pack clean clothes , but I will allow her to take care of the dirty ones . I reminded her that she needed to pack things down into the corners ( the suitcase is a large , duffel type bag on wheels ) . She was frustrated , " I know ! " . I was packing things out in the living area , and went in to check on her progress . She was trying to zip the suitcase , but without much luck . She had all the clothes piled high in the center . I assigned her a different task and proceeded to push things down into the corners and zip the suitcase up with no problem . . We have continued to struggle with what to do with Mom and Dad . Mom is getting stronger , and Dad is getting weaker . Of course , that 's the opposite of what was supposed to happen with Mom on hospice , but life and death are always unpredictable . Part of the challenge is that we don 't know if Mom will continue to improve and Dad will improve at all . So Far Away Sister and I have hatched a new scheme . We 're going to get them both into the same nursing home for rehab . Dad 's congestive heart failure is such that he could easily be hospitalized , which would give him nursing home rehab with Medicare . Hopefully Mom 's discharge was recent enough that we can do the same for her . . This will give us time to evaluate how they are going to do , determine if they can sure a room without Mom driving Dad crazy ( or vice versa ) , and to explore other options for their living arrangements . It 's so hard trying to figure out what 's best for them and consider the long term implications of various decisions . Earlier this week we were leaning toward one live - in aide taking care of them both in the same apartment . Now we 're wondering if one person could handle them . There are no easy answers . We just want to do right by them and make sure they are safe and receiving appropriate care and support . I 'm Reverend Mom What Mom and Dad can afford short term will deplete all their resources long term . So , we find ourselves facing some difficult decisions . Currently , we are paying for assisted living for Mom , a live - in aide for Dad , and additional money for Dad 's live - in to go see to Mom 's needs twice a day . ( Mom 's care now is beyond what the memory care unit can provide . ) . We had hoped Dad would be able to manage without the live - in , but this latest round of congestive heart failure has us concerned about whether that is realistic . We could bring Mom back to the apartment with a live - in for both of them , but don 't know if the complex would allow that . There are also space issues , Dad lives in a one bedroom apartment , and they both have wheel chairs . Though Dad gets around with a walker in the apartment , Mom can 't walk at this point . We could move them both to a nursing home ( Dad can 't move in with Mom because he 's on insulin , so they won 't take him ) . . There are no easy answers . There is no predicting how long either of them will live . Both have been near death and then recovered beyond our expectations . Mom is now eating some solid food , and after the swallow evaluation they didn 't even want her eating pureed foods . Aide said that she seemed to like the solid food this morning . . We thought when we moved them into this senior complex with the independent living apartments and assisted living units that their needs would be covered , and they were for over 3 years . But now their needs have changed , and once again we find ourselves facing difficult decisions . Posted by Only one phone call from the church today , so that 's good . I got some worship planning done this afternoon with my colleague , which was very good . I know themes for the first 4 Sundays after Easter now . . At lunch today Mom picked up her spoon and fed herself 2 bites . Dad has begun to lose a little bit of the extra fluid . . Tomorrow I 'm going to go to lunch with an old friend ( literally old - - I 've known her all my life and she 's 92 years old ) . . Daughter is moping . When I had her up doing things today - - walking over to see Grandma , walking with me to the store , she was fine . When she wasn 't doing something , she didn 't feel good and was sleeping . I didn 't work too hard at keeping her active . At some point , it 's her responsibility . . It will be good to head home on Friday morning . Posted by I 'm a pastor and a mother . I was ordained in October of 1985 , and began serving this suburban congregation in October of 2010 . In March of 1990 I was asked to take an almost 3 year old " for the weekend . " Five years into the weekend I adopted her . Daughter carries a number of diagnoses : Reactive Attachment Disorder , Post - Traumatic Stress Disorder , Central Auditory Processing Disorder , Bipolar , seizure disorder , and type 1 diabetes . She moved into a group home in November of 2011 . She attends a sheltered workshop and sings in the church choir . View my complete profile Daughter became my foster child in 1990 , shortly before she turned 3 , and I adopted her when she was 8 . Capital is a state capital in the midwest . In October of 2010 I became pastor of a church on the edge of town . Administrative Assistant is my keeper . She runs the office at the church , and at heart is an artist . She helps turn my crazy ideas into reality . Program is where Daughter spends most of her days . She does some piece work and participates in some classes and activities . She 'd like to get community employment , but still has some work to do to make that possible . Sister Best Friend and I met in seminary . We vacationed together for a number of years , and then she got married . We still do some cooperative worship planning . She seves a church less than an hour away . Far Away Sister is 4 . 5 years young than me . She lives across the country . She was an electrical engineer until she stayed home to raise Tall Niece and Nephew . Now that they are graduating , she is planning to become a high school math teacher . Sister is 10 years young than me . She is divorced and the mother of Short Niece . She lives in the same state as Capital . She is a teacher . Brother is 11 1 / 2 years younger than I am . He finally got married in February of 2009 . He lives near Sister . They are the parents of Baby Nephew . Not sure where to begin . This blog has been neglected since April . I have not felt the need to write here of vomit my drama onto these pages at all . My . . . |
We have always said there was an invisible paw print on the wall in front of our house letting lost and abandoned animals know it was a safe place . Over the thirty years we 've lived here , we 've had several dogs , puppies , cats and kittens and one even a domesticated rabbit find their way to our house . Many of them stayed and adopted us and gave us much love and pleasure for the remainder of their lives . In the past seven years there has been a slowing of our visitors . We 've had several deer hounds find their way here and with the help of the wonderful people at Hanover Animal Control got them back to their owners . Once in a while , we wondered if the paw print had been washed off , but we had a full crew of cats and dogs many with special problems due to age or injury so we were glad not to have to turn anyone away . The last few years have been very difficult . Three of our dogs and three of our cats and our bearded dragon died due to chronic or sudden illness . All were elderly but it is still very hard to lose them and they left big holes in our hearts . Strangely after these losses , the paw print seems to have reappeared . There was a neighborhood cat who was abandoned when our next door neighbor moved . Another neighbor was thought to be watching out for her and her brother but as we have learned this year , she was never spayed and has never had shots . They said , she wouldn 't let them near her . She started wandering across our yard more often over the last year and a half . She is a cat with ATTITUDE ! If we were walking the dog and she was on the side of the road or sitting anywhere near , she 'd stay perfectly still and give us a look that clearly said , this was her space and she wasn 't moving for anybody . She 'd hop up to our birdbath to take a drink and sit with her back to us . Then she 'd strut across the yard making a point of not looking our way . We started looking for her and calling her Foxy Lady and saying hello . Last year about this time , she had a litter of kittens . We saw them up around the neighbors once they were several months old . As they got bigger , she started spending more and more time around our house . I could empathize . There were many times when our boys were teenagers that I 'd have liked to run away for a day - or more . Then she started coming up on the back stoop and sitting on the railing tapping on the mud room window . That is where Zeke , our dog sleeps and it was driving him crazy . So one night , I went out with a box of cat treats that our cats could no longer eat due to one having renal failure , one diabetes and one obesity . I sat down on the top step and talked with her , tossed her a few treats . She listened , ate the treats and gradually followed the treats up the steps until she was eating one step below me and she allowed me to pet her . Once . Then she quickly ran back down to the bottom and the steps and gave me her look . Soon she was sleeping on our porch in one of the wicker chairs or on the glider . Then one of her kittens joined her . Slowly they became friendlier and came for treats and would come into the house , briefly but would freak if we closed the door . Our plan was once they became used to us , we 'd take them to the vet for shots and to be spayed . Olivia is the younger one and she is a mouthy little cat . It took her a long time to let us pet her . By the time they both would let us pick them up , we realized they were getting rounder and rounder . Yep , both were expecting kittens . Foxy had her litter the beginning of April while we were away visiting our son at college . She had hidden them we think under one of the sheds until just a week ago . They are definitely feral . Once they were more mobile , she moved them under the back of the house in the crawl space . So they can drive Zeke crazy at night . If they caught a glimpse of us , they 'd scoot back under the house . So we are slowly trying to get them used to us and more domesticated so they can also get shots and be adopted . The life expectancy for outside cats around us isn 't good . Foxy has beaten the odds so far ( supposedly she is 11 ) but she is the exception . There are four kittens in Foxy 's litter . Two black and whites , one black with a tiny spot of white on his chest and the striped one . Have no idea what their sexes are yet . Olivia had her litter when we were at our son 's graduation the beginning of May . ( Coincidence ? I think not . ) We haven 't seen them yet but are hoping they will be out in another week . This is Adolph ( see the moustache ) . Pretty sure he is the father . He is truly feral and runs if he even sees us through a window . Which is why this picture is so blurry . Hopefully we will be able to trap him and get him neutered too . We have seen him watching the kittens while Foxy eats so he is participating behind the scenes . Today , VDOT was back working on our road . The gentleman that first found her came over and told Ed he had adopted the sweet corgi and named her Cher . He said who ever dumped her had not taken good care of her . She was not neutered , they found three tumors , had an infection and her teeth were so badly decayed they all had to be pulled . Her new owner connected with a Corgi rescue group who paid for all of her treatment . She is now spayed , the tumors have been removed and she is on antibiotics for the infections . She lives happily with her new owner and his pet bunny . First a note : This isn 't in scene order . I 'm working on the scene that follows The Memory Painting but wanted to get up a post today . I got this idea as I was hunting through things in our house looking for missing things for our sons . Sue snorted . " Not unless you have more people coming to help . I thought after a day of going through things and packing up , we might want to chill out with a glass or three . " " Once you see the amount of stuff stashed away in here , you 'll probably wish you brought a case , " Ivy said . " I think my mother saved every margarine tub they emptied in the last fifteen years . And that 's in addition to owning every kitchen storage container ever invented . I 've filled four bags for recycling and six boxes for charity and I haven 't even started on the bottom cabinets in the kitchen . " " Is that where you want to work today ? " Sue dropped her hobo bag on top of the clothes she 'd piled on a chair . Ivy hid a grin . It was nice to see that becoming a hot shot lawyer hadn 't changed her friend 's basic nature . " No . I can do a cabinet or drawer when I break from working or while I 'm watching TV . I 'd really like company tackling my dad 's study and my parents ' room . It feels wrong to go through their things and I need you to push me if I stall out . " Sue rubbed her hands together . " Goodie . You know I love looking into other people 's private spaces . It 's one of the reasons , I love being a lawyer . I know all the secrets even though I can never tell anyone else about them . " " Hey , nosy is a good character trait for a lawyer . " She tucked her arm through Ivy 's . " So where shall we start - the study or the bedroom . " An hour later , Sue slammed the last file drawer . " I don 't think I 've ever gone through a more boring office . Or a more organized one . He has every receipt filed and cross referenced . " " The bedroom , I 'm almost - " Ivy bumped into a stack of the boxes she 'd already packed . She grabbed for the teetering boxes and dropped the books in her arms . They fell and as she lunged for them , the boxes crashed down . She groaned . " Nothing like making more work for myself . " Ivy huffed out a breath and settled down on the floor beside the pile of books and boxes . " Not my idea of fun . Fun is getting out of the house and building a snowman . Fun is … " she moved a box and stared at the edge of a fifty dollar bill hanging out of one of the books . She pulled it out and held it up to the light . It looked real . She rubbed it between her fingers . Felt real too . But what was it doing in a book . Ivy looked at the spine . A biography of FDR . She riffled through the pages and she held the book upside down . A twenty dollar bill floated out . She laid the two bills to the side and picked up another book . No money fell from that one or the next but three twenties and a ten fell out of the fourth book . She sat back and looked at the two shelves of remaining books and all the boxes she 'd already packed . If her father had been hiding money in books … she shook her head . When had he started doing that ? And why ? She doubted she 'd find the answers to those questions , but she was going to shake every book in this house to see what else he 'd squirreled away . She started to call Sue and then smiled . No , she 'd go through at least the boxes on the floor and see how much she found . Sue would be sorry she 'd called dibs on the files then . She was almost finished with all the books from the fallen boxes when Sue called her name . Ivy glanced at the neat piles of bills beside her . Most were fives , tens and twenties , but she 'd found a couple more fifties and even one hundred dollar bill . Time to let Sue in on the treasure hunt . " Ivy , I found something you should see , " Sue said walking into the room . She stopped short and her eyes widened . " Where did all that money come from ? Did you find a safe ? " " It was in the books . Not every book but a lot of them so I 'm rechecking all the ones I 've already packed . Want to join me on my treasure hunt ? " " No . " She took Ivy 's hand and pulled her out of the room . " I 'd gone through the dressers and bedside tables . Nothing very interesting , but I separated things I thought you might want and packed up all the clothes . Then I looked under the bed . " Ivy stared at the papers in it . Papers and pictures . She dropped to her knees and lifted some out . There were pictures she 'd drawn in school from preschool on . Cards she 'd made for her mother and father for holidays and special occasions . Notes from teachers praising her artistic efforts . Tears filled her eyes . She hadn 't thought her parents cared about her drawings . They 'd always tried to steer her toward a more practical career . Like accounting or nursing . " This was on top . " Sue said and held out a heavy piece of drawing paper . It had been torn in half and carefully repaired . " It 's the one you did in tenth grade isn 't it ? The picture of your brother . " Ivy took the portrait she 'd drawn from pictures and memories . " I gave it to my mother for her birthday . She yelled at me . Said it wasn 't him , nothing like him . Then she tore it in half and ran to her room crying . That 's when I decided to leave as soon as I finished school . All I did was make them unhappy . She ran her fingers over the softened edges . It looked like it had been handled many times over the years . Handled with care . Her chest ached . " She cherished it , Ivy . And not just because it was a picture of Donny . I think she loved it because it came from you . That and every other picture here . " Ivy stared at the ugly plastic box . It had been fun finding money hidden in her father 's books , but Sue had found the real treasure . At least for her . Proof that her mother had cared about her , at least a little . She was barely aware of Sue leaving the room as she sat on the floor with the picture in her arms and cried for the parents and the closeness they had never been able to achieve . I am calling this one later for a couple of reasons . First , it 's late . I should have written and put it up yesterday and it 's later in the story . It 's late because I wasn 't sure exactly what the next scene would be and had to think through some ideas . I also had the joy of spending yesterday with my niece , her husband , my two absolutely adorable grandnephews and my sister - in - law . It 's interesting writing a story using the prompts . I do find it spurs my creativity . It is also " seat of my pants " writing because this wasn 't a story I had planned to write and I only have a vague idea of where it is going . Jake tossed his keys onto the table by the front door and hung his jacket on the oak coat rack . It had been a long night . Some people in Virginia freaked at even the mention of snowfall and any accumulation meant accidents . Lots of fender benders and cars in ditches . A few injuries serious enough to warrant a trip to the ER , but thankfully , no fatalities . He 'd driven by Ivy 's house before coming home . There was a light on in the back of the house . He hadn 't stopped . He needed sleep before he saw her again . He wanted - needed - to be alert and focused when they talked . There was something she needed to know . Something that affected both of them equally . He walked into the bedroom , toed off his shoes and flopped onto the bed fully clothed . Snow still fell outside , but soft light shone through the uncovered bedroom window and glinted off the piece suspended in front of it . Blue , green , white , brown and crystal chips of glass floated in a web of multi colored strings . It swayed in the heat rising from the vent below the window and some of the glass clicked together . Back and forth , meeting and pulling apart . Light and shadows flicked across his face and he closed his eyes thinking of dreams lost and dreams found . " Your brother 's a cop ! " Ivy held her cell phone between her ear and shoulder while she painted the canvas with quick slashes of blue paint . " How the hell did that happen and why didn 't you tell me he was living here now . " " " I don 't ' want to talk about your brother . I don 't want to hear what he 's doing and I don 't care where he is . " " Sue said . " Sound familiar ? I don 't remember you telling me you had changed your mind on any of that , Ivy . If you want to know how and why he left hockey and went into the police academy , you 'll need to ask him . Then you can tell the rest of us because he hasn 't . We 'd barely recovered from the shock of learning he 'd been a cop in Buffalo for three years when he took the job here . " Ivy stepped back from the canvas and decided it was enough . Switching her phone to the other ear , she carried the brush to the sink and turned on the water to rinse out the paint . " You should have told me , Sue . " " And give you another excuse to could put off dealing with your parents ' estate ? " Sue snorted . " I 'd have been a bad friend and a worse lawyer if I 'd let you do that . " Her voice softened . " It 's time , Ivy . You can 't move forward until you have put the past behind you . " " So you keep saying . " Ivy set her brush in a ball jar bristles up . " I still think having a moving company come in to box everything up and move it to a storage unit would have served the same purpose . " " You can still do that if you want . No one is stopping you . " Ivy freed her phone and rolled her shoulders to ease the stiffness . " I 'm here now so I might as well go through it and get rid of anything I don 't want to keep . " She looked around the arid landscape of her mother 's kitchen . Beige . Everything in here was some shade of beige . Her gaze went to the canvas on her easel and the bright orange Gerber daisy in a sunny yellow pot she 'd placed on the kitchen table . Well , not everything . Not any more . " I 'll be there bright and early Saturday morning to help , " Sue said . " Look , my next appointment is here . Don 't worry about Jake . Unless you plan on robbing a bank or spraying graffiti on the train overpass , you won 't even need to see him . Bye . " " Bye , " Ivy said and stuck the phone in her pocket . She hadn 't told Sue Jake had come by the house today . Or about his insistence on talking to her . She wandered down the hall and stopped beside one of the closed doors . She 'd been here almost a week now and she still hadn 't been inside . She touched the knob and a shiver passed down her spine . Feeling like a coward , she spun around and walked to her old bedroom . Reaching down into one of the boxes littering the floor , she pulled out a stuffed giraffe . Ivy cradled it in her arms and sat on the edge of the bed . It was a souvenir from happier times . She 'd been nine when her brother won it for her at the county fair . He 'd groaned when she pointed to the bright purple one with lime green spots . " Are you sure that 's the one you want ? Mom 's going to hate it , " Donny warned her . " The pink and white one would match your room better . " He shrugged his shoulders and handed her the giraffe . It was half as tall as she was but she hugged it tightly and insisted on carrying it back to the car herself . " So does your new friend have a name , " he asked once they were settled in his pickup . " His name is Magners . " He looked at her and then at the giraffe and started to laugh . " Magners . Yeah , he looks like something you might see if you drank too much of it . Just don 't tell Mom and Dad where you got the name , ok . " Neither one of them had ever explained the name to her parents , but looking at Magners had always made Donny burst out laughing . Even at the end , when the cancer was killing him , she 'd bring Magners with her into his room and he 'd smile . " I guess that 's why I 've dragged you all over the country with me , you poor old giraffe . Every time I look at you , I hear Donny laughing and remember the fun we had that day . He never blamed me , you know ? He told me that . He said it wasn 't my fault my bone marrow didn 't match his . " Ivy wondered if she was hallucinating . Jake hated her art and the piece he said he bought had sold for more than a thousand dollars . Now he 'd taken her reflexive step back in disbelief as an invitation . She narrowed her eyes . Maybe that was why he had said it . To throw her off , get through her defenses . She had no way of knowing if it was the truth . He glanced around the room and she winced . There were full and partially full boxes stacked in the hall and the living room . In practically every room , but she had no intention of letting him go any further . " I 'm packing , not unpacking , " she said . " My parents ' things . I have to get a lot of stuff out of the house before I can stage it to sell . " She shrugged and glanced around the room . Her mother had gone for blue in a big way in here . Light blue walls , navy slipcovers on the upholstered furniture , blue and white porcelain vases and cobalt blue glass . Individually the pieces and the colors were fine , but combined with the bland maple of the furniture , it was just … she sighed , boring . Traditional , staid and boring . It had matched her parents ' personalities perfectly . " I don 't know what I 'm doing yet , but I can 't live in this house . " Her breath caught and she turned away worried about what he might see on her face . Every minute she spent here , she could feel her parents ' disappointment . Their resentment . The weight of it had almost broken her . He shook his head and touched her shoulder . She stepped away from the warmth of his fingers . " Their loss , Ivy . You filled this house with sunshine and joy , but they were too blind and too angry to see it . " " I tried . I kept trying . When my father had the stroke and mother was too decrepit to take care of him , I offered to move back . They preferred strangers to their daughter . " She walked over to the wide picture window and fingered the navy and white print drapes . A squirrel ran across the lawn and scurried up into an oak tree still hanging to a few brown leaves . Snow dusted the ground and the black fur of the small shaggy dog chasing after it . The dog jumped up and down under the tree practically turning flips while the squirrel sat on a branch and chattered at it . " See that dog out there ? " She pointed and looked over her shoulder at Jake . He walked over and nodded . " She belongs to the Johnsons . Her name is Misty and she thinks she is a hunting dog . Always chasing squirrels and rabbits . " " She chases that same squirrel up that same tree five times a day . She 's never going to catch it , but she wears herself out trying . Sometimes , it 's better to stop . To realize you are never going to catch the damn squirrel , so you might as well give up and move on . " Ivy shook off the melancholy that settled over her like a shroud every time she let her defenses down . " I need to get back to what I was doing before my painted dries up . " " NO ! " She inhaled and slowly blew it out . Painting pictures was as futile an endeavor for her as chasing the squirrel was for Misty . But unlike Misty , she knew when to give up . " I 'm painting a large canvas to use as a background in one of my pieces . " " Glad to hear it . So what kind of thing are you creating with the crushed beer cans . Guess it 's not one of your mobiles if you 're using a canvas . " " Your favorite flowers . You always said they looked happy . " He smiled and she smiled back for a minute remembering the good times . " Remember when - " they said simultaneously . Chief of what , she wondered as he walked away from her , closer to the door . As far as she knew , there were no chiefs in ice hockey . Or any other sport for that matter . " " What ? When ? Right , I can be there in five minutes . " He slid the phone back in his pocket . " I have to go , Ivy . " She watched him walk down the steps and over to his car . He left clear footprints in the light snow . " What chief ? " she called as he opened the door . " Chief of police . There was an accident and I 'm on call . See you . " Mouth open , she watched him drive away . A cop ? Jake was a cop ? The bad boy jock was a cop in the town he couldn 't get away from fast enough . Shaking her head , she closed the door . Hallucinating or dreaming . She had to be doing one or the other . There was no way Jake Carter had grown up to be a cop . Can you pick out the words we used as prompts ? Go check Keziah 's blogs for Wednesday and today and see if you can figure it out . I find it fascinating that we get such widely different stories using the same prompts . Jake pulled up in front of the house where Ivy had grown up . He 'd made some calls and discovered this is where she was staying . It would have saved time if Sue had answered his questions , but his sister insisted on maintaining her policy of silence regarding anything to do with Ivy . After five years , he knew better than to batter his head against the wall of neutrality she 'd erected in an effort to maintain her friendship with Ivy without damaging their familial relationship . He grabbed the plastic container she 'd left at the rink last night . She 'd slipped out while he was breaking up a fight between two of the kids . After the game , he 'd discovered she 'd gotten the name and number of a local towing service from one of the parents . The owner of the service was a relative and had been glad to pick Ivy up at the rink and before going to tow in her car . He 'd even given her a lift back to her house . Anything to help out his niece 's coach 's wife , he 'd said when Jake finally ran him down this morning . Sometimes people in this town were just too damn friendly . Jake walked to the front door frowning as he noticed the overgrown bushes on either side of the front porch . Someone could easily hide behind them and not be seen until it was too late to call for help . He 'd bring his hedge clippers over and correct that as soon as possible . Probably not today , he thought as snow began to fall . If this storm dropped as much snow as the forecast predicted , he was going to too busy to prune bushes . He rang the doorbell . Waited and then rang it again . She was home . She had to be . Her car was still at the repair shop and he 'd already checked to make sure she wasn 't with Sue . What did she think , if she didn 't answer the door , he 'd just leave the container and go away . He pounded on the door . " You might as well open up , Ivy , I 'm not going away without talking with you , " he yelled holding his finger down on the doorbell . " IVY . ANSWER THE DAMN - " The door swung open . The sound of David Bowie singing " Heroes " blasted out . " Stop yelling , Jake . You 'll have the neighbors calling the police complaining about the noise . " She rolled her eyes . " Ha , ha . " She reached for the container . " Thanks , but you shouldn 't have bothered . Mom probably has forty of those things . I 'm trying to get rid of them . " Her hand brushed his . The way his body tightened you 'd think she 'd touched his groin . God , she was sexy . The pants she wore hugged her legs like a second skin and he ached to slide the oversized shirt she wore over her head so he could see her curves . It looked like she 'd filled out in all the right places over the last few years . Not that there had been anything wrong with the way she 'd looked before . She 'd always been his wet dreams come to life . She shook her head and several rich brown strands of hair drifted out of the messy knot on the top of her head . He almost drooled . " I 'm working . " He smiled . " I already figured that out . " He brushed a finger over her cheek . " You have a little blue paint right here and a David Bowie album is turned up almost to the point of pain . " " It 's been five years , Jake . We 're divorced . There isn 't anything to talk about . " She started to close the door . He stopped it with his hand . " I bought one of your pieces . The one you called " Lost Dreams " made out of pieces of string and thousands of bits of colored broken glass . " Ivy gritted her teeth and leaned forward over the steering wheel as if that would make it easier to see the country road in the driving rain and sleet . What had possessed her to accept the invitation to a jewelry party of all things ? She didn 't even wear jewelry because unless it was 14 K gold , sterling silver or platinum , it made her break out in hives . And to make it impossible to pretend sudden food poisoning or flu , she 'd been talked into baking her decadent dark chocolate cupcakes for the refreshment table . Her BFF was going to owe her big time for this . A horn blared and a dark pickup blew past on her left spraying her windshield with muddy water decreasing visibility even more . Her knuckles whitened and her jaw ached . The car hydroplaned and she eased her foot off the gas . The tires caught the pavement again and she blew out a breath . Maybe she 'd make it in one piece after all . Headlights flashed into her eyes . She flinched and her hands jerked on the wheel . The right front tire hit the edge of the shoulder , blew and the car went into a skid . The next few minutes stretched and blurred as she labored to correct the spin and pull off the road . She managed to shift into park and hit the emergency blinkers before she started shaking . Sleet pinged on the roof and windshield . Her hands cramped and she realized she still held the wheel in a death grip . She carefully unclenched her fingers and let her head fall back against the headrest . " Ma ' am ? " Knock , knock , knock . She wasn 't sure if the pounding came from outside the car or inside her head . " Ma ' am , are you alright ? I 'm calling 911 . " Outside . She shielded her eyes against the flash of light and lowered the window an inch . " No , don 't . I 'm ok . " The light played over her face . Oh , hell . She recognized that voice . Five years wasn 't enough to erase it from her memory . She doubted a lifetime would be long enough . She closed her eyes and prayed he 'd just go away . To her surprise , he left . She watched in the side mirror as he walked to a pickup truck pulled behind her car . She ignored the ache in her chest . She 'd had five years of practice ignoring it . Unwilling to watch him drive away , she unhooked her seat belt and bent to retrieve her purse from the floor of the car . She needed to call to let Sue know what had happened . She could either change the flat herself or call AAA . Either way she was going to be late . Best case scenario , she 'd get there in time to serve the cupcakes . She was punching in Sue 's number when a dark figure appeared on the passenger side of the car . Her mouth dropped open as a thin piece of metal slid down the window . Seconds later , Jake was sitting on her passenger seat bringing the scent of wet wool and musky male along with him . " What the hell do you think you 're doing ? You can 't just break into someone 's car like that , " she said . A penlight flashed into her eyes and she cursed . " Stop shining lights in my eyes . " " I didn 't have an accident . I didn 't hit my head . I have a flat tire which I am perfectly capable of changing so go away . " " Ivy , I 'm not leaving you sitting here alone waiting for a tow truck on a back road . " He checked the time on her dash and winced . " I 'd wait with you but I 'm already late . I 've got a white cloth I 'll tie to your antenna and then you can come with me . You can either wait until the game is over and I 'll give you a ride home or you call someone to pick you up . " Of course he was on his way to a game . Sports always came first with Jake . " Well , I 'm late too , and I have people waiting on me . It 's not that far so if you insist on not leaving me , you can drop me off on your way to the game . I 'm sure your friends will fill you in on what ever happened before you get there . " " Nothing can happen until I get there . I 'm the coach and there are ten kids from the youth hockey club waiting at the rink for me to come so they can play hockey . I think disappointing a group of 8 year olds trumps not making it to my sister 's jewelry party don 't you ? " This time he raised both his eyebrows . God , she hated it when he was right . " Fine . You win . " If it wasn 't impossible , she 'd think Sue had set this whole situation up . She grabbed her purse and they both got out of the car . She stopped to open the back door and lift out the container of cupcakes . They 'd just freeze if she left them in the car . " I didn 't make them for you . " But she 'd thought of him when she made them . She 'd been thinking about him way too much since she 'd moved back to her home town . He pulled into a well - lit parking lot and came to a stop . Silently , they left got out of the truck and walked into the building . A group of boys and girls all suited up and on the ice already cheered . " He 's here . Coach Jake is here . " " No , " he said . He looked straight in her eyes . " Everyone , I 'd like you to meet Ivy . She 's my wife . And she brought cupcakes . " Snow on Christmas was magical . Snow at the beach blows my mind . Which is why my husband and I drove an hour and a half just to take pictures of it . Unfortunately we forgot to check the batteries in the cameras . One was completely dead and the other on it 's way . So we weren 't able to wander and snap as many as we 'd wanted . Still , this is priceless . A white Christmas in Virginia is a long time wish come true for me . |
I had finally reached my breaking point and I no longer wanted to tease Rebound . I didn 't want him thinking that I was in love with him when I didn 't even like him . He was already planning our lives for when he got back . He tells me that he had just bought a car in Vegas and it was cheaper for him to fly home instead of driving . He decided that we would take a vacation together in a couple of weeks . A road trip . We 'll drive my car over to Vegas and then drive both cars back . All I could hear was I want you to pay for a road trip so I can get my car . Oh yeah , I want you to pay to drive my car back home too . I was done . I took some time off from work and drove over to Krystal 's apartment . We decided that we would just end it over the phone . He was waiting for me to call him back and give him an answer about the road trip . I had already said no , but he was giving me time to think about it some more . My answer was still no , hell no . We didn 't really have a plan for what we were going to do . We just sat down together and I handed her my phone . It 's amazing how I can never get him to answer the phone when I want to talk to him , but he will answer immediately if he wants something . Krystal used my phone to call him and he answered . And then he hung up . I didn 't realize that he would be such a wimp about it . As soon as he heard Krystal 's voice , he hung up . She gave me the phone back and I tried calling him this time . He didn 't answer . She tried calling on her phone and still he didn 't answer . I sent him a text message asking him why he hung up on me . His response , you didn 't call me . I acted as if I didn 't know what he was talking about . This was true , kinda . Krystal told me that he wanted it to be just the two of them , but she wouldn 't go . He asked Hood for a ride and then asked her to join them . The three of them rode to Atlanta together , but Rebound focused on her completely . And Hood was not her man . This I already knew . I 've known Hood as long as I 've known Krys . He has always been there . While I 'm having this text conversation with him , Krystal is also having a conversation with him . She was giving him the full force of her temper ( not a pretty sight ) and he was still trying to get with me . He was trying to calm her down at the same time . We let him think that we had run into each other while I was out to lunch . Silence . Yes , this was the best part for me . He stopped talking to Krystal too . Planning his next move . I didn 't say anything else . I just waited for him to come up with the lie he was going to use . I knew that he wouldn 't just walk away . He wanted something from me and he was going to keep working me until he got it . So his next move was to blame me . Make me feel guilty . Wrong choice . I already knew that he was a lying SOB . But now with the help of my dear cousin , I knew that he was the worst level of SOB . Damn , men make me stupid sometimes . Me : She family . Why would she lie to me ? I 'd tell her momma . ( I would too . Well , not her momma , her grandmomma . Very intimidating . ) He had this habit of changing his phone number every couple of months . He was running away from something . Probably a woman , but it could be anything . He changed his number again when he went to Vegas . He was out of touch for a while , but when he wanted something from me he calls to give me his number . Krystal had his new number , therefore he had to give it to her . In fact , she had it before me . She was the first one to give it to me . Because she already gave it to me I recognized the number when he finally called . Again , this was true . Krystal said she wouldn 't let him touch her . She was not his woman and he had no right to touch her . She thought that he was still with his highschool sweetheart and she wasn 't about to be his girl on the side . She told him that if he could prove that he wasn 't with her then they could have something . He hadn 't been able to prove it . He couldn 't invite Krystal over to " his " place cause it was mine . He wasn 't with her , but he was with me . He sure tried his best to get in her pants though . I read some of the messages . I let Krys know that she wasn 't missing out on anything . It was better back in highschool . This was about the time Krystal sent him the text about the laptop . Something like your ass need to stop lying and give cuz back her laptop . You know you got it . I know you got it . He had some legal issues and was currently on probation . He never told me this . I found this out from Ty . Ty ran a background check on him and gave me her findings . He was just like my ex , other than the beating on me . But according to his background check he had been arrested for beating on the girl he was living with . Damn . I sure can pick ' em . The point is , he didn 't need me pressing charges against him . His ass would go right back to jail . He kept on trying to convince me to forgive him . He even had the nerve to try to convince me to get him a plane ticket so we could talk about it . How difficult is it to understand that I do not want to talk about it ? I 've made up my mind . I didn 't respond . I didn 't respond to any of his texts or phone calls for over a week . He finally stopped trying . At least for a little while . I figured that he would just stay in Vegas , but something was drawing him back here . I don 't know how he did it , but he did make his way back to town . I haven 't seen him , but he calls every now and then to tell me that he loves me . He knows that he was wrong , but he 's saved now . He is ready to truly be with me . Krystal and I have a good laugh over this . He tells her the same thing . I was able to move on from Rebound with no problem . I deserve better than that and I know this . My judgement about men still isn 't all that great , but at least I 'm free from Daniel and Rebound . Kinda . Daniel is still a pain in the ass . I can 't be completely rid of him because of our child , but dammit I wish he would just disappear . The other men in my life find it so easy to disappear . I need that to rub off on him . So that 's the story of Rebound . A part of it anyway . There 's other crap that went on , but nothing as bad as I 've already told you . And no , I never got my laptop back . I 'm just going through life , minding my own business when I get a message on my Facebook account from my cousin . At that time Bobbie and I didn 't really know each other . I remember seeing her at the hospital a few months back and we caught up with each other a bit . We didn 't even exchange phone numbers or anything , just polite conversation . When I got the message I thought that maybe she sent it to the wrong person . It was just a short one , " I need to talk to you about something . Call Me . " She left her phone number . I called her and she asked me if I knew Rebound . Yeah , I did . I asked her why ? She didn 't tell me . She wanted to know if we were dating . No , we weren 't . Not yet . He had been chasing me for a little while , but I was still playing hard to get . I was interested , oh yeah , but he had other female issues that I wasn 't comfortable with . I told Bobbie that I was not dating him . Once again I asked why . She told me . They had been dating , but weren 't anymore . He was a good for nothing SOB that stole her laptop . Oh , wow . I wasn 't expecting that . Damn . That shit was uncool . This ass was actually trying to get with me while he was with my cuz . What the fuck ? Oh hell no . That was not going to work for me . I told Bobbie what was going on , which wasn 't much of anything . I had just gotten back a couple of days before from taking him to Atlanta . That was how she figured it out . She was just going through her friends on FB and noticed my recent posts . They matched up to things that she knew was going on with Rebound . Hell , my last post was " In ATL with the babe . Spending some quality time before he goes off to Vegas . " I knew something wasn 't quite right about Rebound . He told me that he was no longer with the crazy girl , but he wasn 't clear about where he was staying with me . I thought that maybe he was still with her , but I was wrong . Bobbie set me straight on that . That SOB was one hell of a liar , but not a good one according to cuz . I had gotten my hopes up . He told me that he was working at a law firm as a paralegal and making decent money . He had a nice car and a nice place . All lies . He stayed in a nice house , but it was Bobbie 's house , not his . He had a car , but it was a piece of shit . Hell , I drove us around more than he did . I even knew where my cousin lived because I had dropped him off there one night when we had went out to play pool . I was starting to fall hard for him and he was just another good for nothing lying jackass . Hearing all this from Bobbie was a bit of a shock . She always seems so cool and in charge and her life is perfect , but that was wrong too . She told me about Daniel and then some more about Rebound . She 's just a woman , like me , and she had been taken advantage of . I hate that . Bobbie is good people , more importantly , she 's family . Bobbie told me that she wasn 't trying to keep me from seeing Rebound . I could see who ever I wanted to , but she wanted me to be cautious . He has proven not to be trustworthy and she didn 't want me to let him get too close and have him take all my shit . Oh no , Cuzzo . This punk ass man has messed with the wrong family . I was going to keep talking to him and let him think that I was eagerly waiting for him to come back home . Once he got back to town I was going to get cuz back her laptop . I was also thinking that I would get Hood and his boys to beat the shit out of him . Yeah , that sounded like a plan . Bobbie told me that she did not think that Rebound was coming back . I thought that he was . Every time I spoke with him he talked about what he was going to do when he got back . I was still certain that he was going to return after his one week trip turned into a two month trip . He never once said that he was going to stay in Vegas . He was having some money trouble , which I 'm certain was true , and he just needed to get up the cost for a plane ticket or at least gas money . He was planning on buying a car and just driving it back . ( I know , that makes no sense , but that 's what he said . ) Bobbie thought that he was trying to get me to play for a plane ticket . She had done that for him once before . I didn 't have no money to be buying his ass a ticket . I wouldn 't have done it even if I did have the cash . A couple of weeks into his trip he started calling Bobbie again . He was giving her those " Baby I love you and I can 't wait for us to be together " stories . She called me the second she got the first text from him . We agreed that she would pretend to miss him and want him back . He was either going to her or me first when he got back into town . We were just trying to get that laptop back . Bobbie kept their conversations to a minimum cause they made her sick to her stomach . It was funny . He would text her and she would forward me the messages and I would do the same . He would lie and lie and we knew about it . He was a damn fool . We had to be careful about what we said to him . We couldn 't let it slip that we knew he was full of shit . We both dropped hints every now and then about family . lol . Bobbie told him that they could have a cook out when he got back . It could be a party . She had a cousin that she wanted him to meet . We both got tired of playing along with him waiting for him to come back . Bobbie said that she couldn 't pretend to be nice to him anymore . It was making her physically ill . She could do without her laptop . She would rather never see him again . Ok , I could go for that . But he made it clear to us both that he was coming back . He wouldn 't give either one of us a date , but he was going to be back . He tried to get Bobbie to buy him a plane ticket , but she refused . Told him that if he woulda paid her back for the last ticket like he was supposed to then she woulda had the money for a ticket , but he didn 't pay her back and she was broke . Bobbie tried her best to hold out until he got back , but she finally reached her breaking point . She made it clear that she was still upset with him and didn 't think that she could just jump right back into a relationship with him . He still denied taking the laptop . I know for a fact that he has it because he let me use it when we went to Atlanta . Anyway , he told her that he understood and that they could take things slow . She let him know that he did not have a place in her house and that 's when he started to lay it on thick . He was in love and wanted to marry her as soon as he got home . She listened to that BS without bursting into laughter . While he was proposing to my cuz over the phone he was professing his love to me as well . His lease was just about up on his place and it would be a great time for us to move in together . We were meant to be together . I countered with the fact that my lease was just about up too and I would just rather we stayed at his place since it was so much bigger than mine . He didn 't like that , but couldn 't explain why he would want to stay at my small apartment when he had such a big house . Bobbie got fed up and she didn 't want to play games with him anymore . It was time to end it . She could just get her a new laptop when she had the money . She already had an older one at home that still worked fine . The laptop that Rebound took was actually one of those netbooks . She loved that little thing and hated to let it go , but letting it go was preferrable to possibly being in the same room with Rebound again . It was time for the two of us to end things with Rebound . Just calling him up and telling him wasn 't good enough . We wanted to make him sweat . And that 's exactly what we did . Good times , oh yes . Check back for the rest of the story . Rebound was my best friend in high school . Looking back on it , I realize that he wasn 't the great guy that I remember him being . My vision on it all was a bit cloudy . He was my closest friend and I spent a lot of time with him , but I didn 't really know him as well as I thought I did . Of course , there were clues , but I ignored all that . The biggest clue of all should 've been the way he played with my emotions . He was my friend and I expected nothing more than that . Throughout majority of our friendship he was dating the same girl . I didn 't like her , but I had my reasons and they were valid . But he was in love and I figured I would let him make his own mistakes . She didn 't like me either . And then there was the fact that I was sleeping with her man . I 'm not actually sure how that came to be , but it happened . A few times . And it was great , and I fell head over heels . Stupid . He was my friend , but he never attempted to become more than that , other than the occasional sex . So life goes on . He graduates and goes into the military and moves away . I basically never hear from him again after his last visit home . His mom passed away that year and he had no more family in the area . Sure , I thought about him from time to time and wondered how he was doing , but that was it . And then one day I get a friend request from Facebook and it his him . OMG . Talk about excited . I accepted and it was like all this time never passed . He was the same guy I could talk to about anything . And dammit , he had moved back into the city . This was during the end of my relationship with Daniel . Rebound was there for me to vent to . I told him the things that I didn 't tell Ty . He was supportive through it all and made it clear that he wanted me out of that relationship . He said it was going to end badly and he didn 't want me hurt or worse . I knew this was true , but how was I going to support my kids on my own ? I never had time to think about it . Daniel attacked me one day with a knife and it was over . I had my cell phone in my hand and called 911 as soon as I realized the fight was getting out of hand . The police were the ones to get him out of the house . I never let him back in . That was a horrible day . I cried all over Ty and Rebound came by later and I cried all over him and then some . Huge mistake . What do I end up doing ? I jump from a relationship with Daniel into a kinda relationship with Rebound . I forgot to mention he was back in the city , but he was also back with her , his high school sweetheart . He made up all sorts of excuses about how it was convenient and they weren 't even close anymore . He wanted out , but needed to make sure she would be able to support herself first . She had three children ( none of which were his ) and just one job . I was just fresh out of my relationship and unsure of where I was going so this was okay for me , for a while anyway . He was still there for me to talk to and he would visit every now and then . I was okay . But things started changing . He didn 't call anymore and had little time to talk to me . He was lying to me and I was catching him at it . He wasn 't very good at it . I was getting a very bad feeling about him and Ty was like " forget his ass " . But this was the guy that I was so close to at one point in time and I started making excuses for him myself . He was a damn jerk towards me but then he would plan these great weekends for us . Took me a while to realize that I was paying for most of it myself . Stupid . I had started to get smart and I stopped calling him . It was time to move on and I tried my best . I started dating other people . Went on a few dates here and there . He would call me every few days asking me why I was ignoring him . Gave me a sense of power . I liked it . But I was sure there was no future for us and I needed to just forget about him . And then he shocked the hell out of me . He dumped the girl . ( Now that I 've gotten to know him better , I 'm thinking she kicked him out . ) So he ended up staying with me for a while . Stupid again . He wasn 't there long . When I let him move in he told me that he had planned on leaving . He wanted to be with me , but he needed to go visit with his son for a little while . His son lives in Nevada with his mother and it 's been a while since he was able to visit with him . Story sounded okay , but it rubbed me the wrong way . The couple of weeks he was with me were okay . He already knew my kids and they got along great . But he definitely didn 't act like a man who wanted to be with me . He went out most nights and came back only after I was asleep . He booked a flight to Nevada on his own . I questioned the trip . I didn 't know how he was going to get there and I was not going to be out of pocket anything . His place of employment had closed down so he had been without a job for a couple of months . No , I wasn 't supporting him other than giving him a place to stay . But he planned his trip and he was real excited about it . He packed his things . And when he packed , he packed everything . He wasn 't coming back . I was certain . He said otherwise , but I knew he was lying . I figured he was just trying to get back with his baby 's momma . He tried sneaking off when he finally left , but that didn 't work . He actually tried leaving without telling me . He had tried to get me to take him to Atlanta , cause that was where he wanted to fly out of . I refused . I was in no mood to finance a trip to Atlanta . He tells me that he thought I didn 't care so he was just leaving . He found a ride and they were ready to leave right then . I should 've paid more attention when I told him good - bye . He left my house and took my laptop with him . Talk about pissed . He tried convincing me that he didn 't take it and it was still at the house , but I know where I keep my things and so do my children . It was definitely over . I wanted nothing else to do with him . But FB brought him right back into my life . Turns out there was another female that he was courting . I wouldn 't have cared , but dammit , it was my cousin . Yep , I can really pick ' em . Stay tuned for my next post for the rest of the story . Krystal is gonna help out with it too . So much going on these last few days . Things have been crazy at work . I 'm been pretty preoccupied and haven 't had time to make the type of posts that I wanted to . I 've teased you guys about a few things and I want to tell you more . It 's amazing how one person can have so much going on in her life at one time . I can at least be thankful that there hasn 't been any recent work drama . Sure , things have been crazy at work , but that 's just because I have some deadlines approaching and gotta get some reports done . I 've had some high maintenance cases come up that I have had to deal with . But all this is normal . Things get hectic for a while and then cool down a little bit . I 'm waiting for that cool down period to hurry up and get here . The men drama have quieted down some too . That 's actually more of me ignoring them all . They have been calling and texting , but I 've been keeping all conversations brief . I 've let them all know that things are crazy at work now and I 'm just too busy to talk to them during my work hours . I 'm also bringing work home so I may be a little distant afterhours as well . I 'm just not in the mood to think about what I 'm doing wrong . I need a little time to think about exactly what I want . I say that I know what I don 't want , but I keep putting up with it . It 's time to get serious . I 'm tired of all this crap . Why can 't things be exactly how I want it ? If only it was that easy . So I apologize for the delay in my posting . I 'm not being lazy . I 'm just overworked . I 'm so damn tired . I 'll be back in full form soon . I 'm hoping tomorrow . I send off my report in the morning and I have the possible conclusion to the big case that has been giving me a headache . I 'm gonna keep my fingers crossed . So today I 'm just having a great day . No drama went on . No men issues , not crazy girl issues . I just had a great day . I got my hair done today . I am now a redhead , for a while anyway . I 'm really liking the look on me . Normally my hair is very difficult to color . It is just too black , but I got it done and it suits me well . Blonde highlights and all . It 's been fun turning heads and getting the extra attention . It makes Ty jealous . She complains that black men used to notice her , but they don 't anymore . At least not when I 'm with her . I have noticed the extra attention that I have been getting from black men . I try to put on the same charm with white men , but have not been getting the same feed back . I did claim the notice of this white guy once , but he wasn 't cute and I 'm just not attracted to white men . I 've always wanted to date a white man ( at least once just to be able to say that i did ) but haven 't found one to catch my interest . I have a specific type : black male with either a football player or basketball player 's build . I have dated outside of my type , but have not felt the attraction . But anyway , I like to attention and the fact that it irritates Ty only makes it better . It just makes you feel good to be out with friends and having men come up to you trying to hit on you . If I don 't find them physically appealing I tend to ignore them and pretend that I didn 't realize they were watching me . If I do find them physically appealing I slow down and give them a chance to catch up with me . If the first impression is good I may give them a phone number , but make it clear that I will only exchange text messages with them . You have to be special for me to actually speak with you on the phone . I just don 't like talking to people on the phone unless I actually have something to talk about . If a guy is trying too hard to get at me and I 'm not feeling it , I will not give them my number . I will take theirs , but usually I just throw them away . If I don 't want to talk to you I 'm not going to , but I 'll accept their number so they 'll leave me alone . I hate a guy that just won 't take no for an answer . If I told you I 'm not interested , nothing you can say or do will make me change my mind . Ty and I had lunch together today . We both had an office day and were in the same locations at the same time . We had lunch on the first floor of our building in the cafe . It was a good meal . I was talking to her about the changes I have made recently . She is being very supportive of me like she always has been , but she has some doubts about how long these changes are gonna last . I have my doubts as well . This is normal behavior for me . I 'll make changes and plans and stick to it for a little while , but then I 'll get lonesome and we 're back to the same place we were before . Luckily I haven 't gotten to the point of feeling lonesome yet . I hope that when I do I can remain strong and stay away from these men that I know are no good for me . I know what I want , but I keep settling for less . I don 't want to do that anymore . I am not going to do that anymore . I am pretty and smart . I am superwoman . Damn , I hope this confidence in myself lasts . |
Mme . Troyan left the ship at Gibraltar the next morning , when her husband was to meet her . We got there at dawn - very cold for April - cold and bleak with snow on the African mountains and the smell of snow in the air . I didn 't see Brimmer around , although he many have been on another deck . I watched a deckhand put the bags aboard the cutter , and then Mme . Troyan walked swiftly onto the cutter herself , wearing a coat over her shoulders and carrying a scarf . She went to the stern and began to wave her scarf to Brimmer or to me or to the ship 's musicians - since we were the only people she had spoken to on the crossing . But the boat moved more swiftly than my emotions and , in the few minutes it took for my stray feelings of tenderness to accumulate , the cutter had moved away from the ship , and the shape , the color of her face was lost . from Cheever 's story Brimmer Posted by Somalia 's transitional government called on Russia on Friday to explain why it had cut 10 Somali pirates adrift in the Gulf on Aden without navigation equipment or much hope of survival . Russian forces last week stormed a hijacked oil tanker in a rescue operation that killed one pirate . Russia said 10 others arrested were later set loose aboard one of the small vessels they used in the attack . A military official said they were stripped of their weapons and navigation equipment . Russian media later quoted a military source saying the pirates were now likely dead . Nairobi - Reuters Published on Friday , May . 14 , 2010 8 : 25AM EDT Last updated on Friday , May . 14 , 2010 6 : 11PM EDTn On the night before they took me to the sea , I had a dream about my dead mother and a zebra . My mother and I were walking on a savanna , she was holding my hand and telling me that I had to " hurry , hurry " because it was getting dark , We were looking for water to carry home . I looked down at her long feet and counted her toes as I lengthened my stride to meet hers - - her legs were so long and mine seemed useless but I counted " one - - two - - three ! " and as I counted my legs grew longer and I was no longer a little boy , I was my mother 's Tall Alexander , " four - - five - - six ! " and my mother 's black shoulders were below me , and they seemed as smooth as river rocks , " seven - - eight - - nine ! " My mother told me to be quiet ! " Alexander , what are you counting ? You sound like a fool ! " I told her I was counting her toes , but she only had nine and I had learned to count to ten in the school house with all the other children . The Englishman taught us to count to ten , he taught us the Alphabet , and how to spell our names , " A - - L - - E - - X - - A - - N - - D - - E - - R ! " The Englishman asked me if my mother named me for Alexander the Great ? I told him I didn 't think so , that I believed she named me for the witch doctor who made my father well just before I was born . The Englishman laughed and told me , " Then I suppose , in a way , you were named for Alexander the Great ! " I laughed too , and then the Englishman told me the story of the Greek Alexander - - he was a warrior . When we got to the river , my mother stood in the shade of a bottle tree and told me to fill up all the gourds we had carried with water . I took the gourds from her and went to the river bank . I decided to swim before filling the gourds and I called back to my mother , " Come put your feet in the water with me ! " She sat down and shook her head , she called back , " No , no , no . The crocodiles will take the rest of my toes ! Get the water and come back ! " She was very impatient with me . But I was taller than her now and so I decided I could disobey her . The Englishman had taught us all to swim too . He brought us to the river and astounded us by jumping in the deep water . We all cried and screamed for him to come out ! His head disappeared and we shouted for him , " Master William ! Master William ! " We were certain he had been taken by an crocodile or worse ! A hippo ! But the Englishman came back up , like a muddy ghost and he spat water at all of us and laughed and laughed . For days and days it seemed , he brought us to the river and showed us how to breathe under water . He taught us how to float . He taught us the Breaststroke and told us he had once swum the English Channel , a big river far far away . I dove into the river , just as the Englishman taught me and opened my eyes below the surface . I was so happy and cool after walking so far with my mother . I knew she was sitting under the bottle tree cursing me but I didn 't care . I could see the sunlight under the water , it lit up the sandy floor and the back of a turtle that I startled with my dive . The green water was all around me and I held my breath softly until I could no longer hold it and up I swam to the world above the water . But when I broke through the ceiling of the river , I was no longer near the river bank just below the hill with the bottle tree . The savannah was desert and my mother was gone . I found myself standing in a muddy watering hole facing a zebra . She was so thin that it was hard to discern her stripes from her bones . Her eyes were black agates and her nostrils were wide and struggling for air . She was as surprised to see me as I was her . But she was thirsty and so she lowered her head and drank the muddy water at my feet . I looked all around me . The sun was very high above me , it was midday now , yet my mother and I had walked to the river just as the sun was setting . I walked toward the zebra as she drank . She ignored me and continued to take in the water . She switched her tail and I saw that even the flies were done with her , she was of no use to them . Vultures circled overhead and I knew that by the end of the day , the zebra would be in their bellies . When I woke from the dream , a man was standing over my bed . He told me to get up . I asked him where my father was and he said that I no longer belonged to my father , I belonged to him . He told me his name was Abshir . He wore an AK - 47 slung over his shoulder - - I had never seen him in our village before . He was taller than my father and wore army green pants tucked into desert boots . There was a scar on his chest , just above his ribs and right below his heart . There was a platinum chain around his neck that held a tooth , it was bone white and like no animal tooth I had ever seen , " What is that ? " I pointed to the tooth , and he replied , " That is a shark tooth . He was very big and I killed him with this gun . You will kill a shark with a gun some day . But now , you need to hurry up ! " I sat in the back of the truck with four other boys , none of them were from my village ; Desmond , Victor , Gabriel and Luc . They were all fourteen , just like me . Desmond had cigarettes and he shared them with us as we bounced along the savannah highway that gave way to the concrete coast . Victor asked me if it was true that we were headed to Mogadishu and I told him he knew more than I . All I knew was that my father was no longer my father and that someday I would kill a shark with an AK . I asked Victor if he knew what a shark was and he replied that he thought it was some sort of sea monster . I had never been to the sea . Of all of us , only Luc had been to the sea . His father took him to the sea once , south of Mogadishu , because they had a cousin who was a fisherman . Luc confirmed that a shark was a sea monster . Morning came with a silver sky over Mogadishu . The only city I had ever seen , except for pictures of European cities that the Englishman had shown to us in the school house . He told us of the Eiffel Tower and Buckingham Palace . He said he would take us to Mogadishu one day so that we could see our city , the big city of our country , but he never did take us . Abshir stopped the truck finally and told us all to get out . " Hurry , hurry ! " The air was thick with things I had never smelled so abundantly before - - gasoline and salt and tea . He told us to sit down on the pier and wait for him , " don 't go anywhere , or I will find you and kill you . " He disappeared down an alley way and we looked at the green sea water touching the concrete . We heard the ringing of lines and metal on the sides of the ships . The ships seemed like all the animals we had left behind on the savanna - - some were as big as elephants and some were as delicate as gazelle . There was some sort of commotion nearby and we craned our necks to see what it was about . We didn 't dare stand up for fear that Abshir would return and shoot us all dead . We saw three men fighting . They were dressed like Abshir - - all of them had AKs and desert boots . One was wearing a black beret and he was the tallest of the three . They were yelling at one another in French . The black beret began shoving the smaller man who seemed to be apologizing . He fell to his knees and began begging the black beret . The black beret kicked him and the small man fell over and curled up like a little child . The black beret brandished his AK , he pointed it down at the small man , while the third man shouted " assassiné ! " I closed my eyes waiting to hear the shots , but they never came . When I opened them again , I saw Abshir standing over me and the other boys . He handed us Coca - Colas in bottles and some flat bread . It was the first I had eaten since going to bed in my own house two nights ago . We took the bottles and the bread from Abshir all while watching the three men continue to fight down the pier . Abshir squatted down and told us to listen to him , " Écoutez - moi " and so we turned to him . " You three get up and go to those men down there ! You work for them now . " Abshir touched Desmond , Victor and Luc and then pointed down the pier to the three men who were no longer fighting , now they were standing still and watching us . The black beret was smoking a cigarette and shifting his AK from one shoulder to the other . The little man no longer cowered . They were waiting for the boys to join them . Desmond looked at Victor and Luc and they looked back at him . We had only been friends for a short time , but we were certain that whatever was going to happen to us , we were destined to face it together . Abshir shouted and kicked at Desmond , who was the biggest of all of us , " Go now ! " They got up , and Desmond threw his Coke bottle off the pier and into the water . Luc and Victor did the same and they marched off to join the men . This left myself and Gabriel . We looked up at Abshir and I wondered if Gabriel was trembling in his stomach like I was . I looked at the watch on Abshir 's wrist . It read ten o ' clock . The Englishman had taught us how to tell time too . I like ten o ' clock in the morning . It was the time that the Englishman would tell us all to put our heads down on our desks and close our eyes for a while . The Englishman would go outside of the school house and smoke a cigarette and drink a cup of coffee and we would do as he said - - when I closed my eyes I imagined I was riding a horse like Alexander the Great , I imagined myself to be a great warrior . " You ! You are coming with me . Both of you . Get up , hurry ! Hurry ! " We followed Abshir down the pier and then through an alleyway . We stopped to talk to an old Muslim man who sat on the ground with many bird cages . The bird cages were filled with finches of every color . Abshir gave the man some money and the man kissed Abshir 's hand . Abshir told Gabriel and I to choose one cage and so we pondered the cages for just a few moments as Abshir and the Muslim spoke in a language I had never heard before . Gabriel touched one cage that contained three yellow finches and smiled , I nodded my head and we looked at Abshir , " Yes , yes , take that one . Three birds should be fortuitous . . . " and so Gabriel lifted the cage and Abshir continued to speak to the Muslim in the language that seemed full of letters I had never pronounced . We left the Muslim man and Abshir told us we were going to his ship now . He told us that there were many men on the boat , as many as twenty , and that we were to only answer to him , no matter what the men said to us , " They will try to give you cigarettes and shiny stones that they have found on the beach . Ignore them . Or I will kill you both and throw you overboard . You will be then be eaten by sharks and will be caught in the afterlife . If you do as I say , you will return to earth as princes . Do you understand me ? " Gabriel and I nodded . I was no longer afraid , even though Abshir had threatened to kill me several times already . He had given me Coca - Cola and now birds , he seemed too kind to follow through on his threats to kill me . Gabriel and I named the three birds Desmond , Luc and Victor . We clutched the bird cage together as we followed Abshir to the ship . Only the birds chattered as we walked . Their little voices reminded me of the birds that gathered in the bottle trees near my village . In my head I believed I was still on the savannah , not on the concrete pier approaching the ship . My body was going on this voyage , not my soul I told myself . This made me brave enough to step onto the ship . The ship was green , almost the color of the water it sat upon . The men greeted Abshir with wide smiles and great respect when we boarded . Abshir told them to be quiet and then he introduced Gabriel and me , " These boys belong to me - they are Gabriel and Alexander . They will sleep in my cabin and they will eat every meal with me . They are small and strong and you will teach them how to shoot and how to sail . " I looked at the men and held tightly on to the bird cage . One of the men had only one eye , but his stare pierced through me . There was an albino with a birthmark of black on his cheek and to my surprise there was a woman , but she dressed like all the men , in army green with desert boots . She didn 't carry an AK , she had a pistol at her side and a silver ring in her nose . It was very hot in Abshir 's cabin and crowded with piles of books and wooden crates . I was surprised to find so many books - - but then I remembered Abshir speaking to the Muslim bird man in a language I had never heard and I realized that he must be educated . I looked at the titles of the books , some I could read , some I could not . The one that I recognized was a book the Englishman had read to us : Our Man in Havana . I touched the book and quickly Abshir struck at my hand , " Leave my books ! " Night fell and the ship began to make great groaning noises . We were setting off to the sea . My stomach roiled , unsettled by the lurching of the hull . Abshir left Gabriel and me in his cabin and went up on deck . We heard much hollering and commotion . There was one light in the cabin and it flickered on and off , in no particular rhythm . The ship 's engine seemed to fade and then roar and fade and then roar . Before we knew it , Gabriel and I were asleep with nothing in our stomachs and the dreams of birds in our heads . It was my stomach that woke me . Sunlight was pouring in through the one small window of Abshir 's cabin . Gabriel was curled up on the floor next to me and the birds . Abshir was snoring loudly in his bed with Our Man in Havana splayed across his bare chest . The book rose and fell and Abshir snored , just as the ship rose and fell with the sea . There was a plate with some bread on the bed also . I was terribly hungry and could not resist taking the bread . I broke it in half and woke Gabriel . He smiled and took the bread fast , like a hyena . My stomach settled and I wondered when Abshir would wake . Would I learn to shoot a shark today ? Who would teach me to be a sailor ? I wanted to shout these questions to Gabriel , but I was afraid to make any noise . Abshir rolled over in his bed and the book and the bread plate fell to the floor with a great crash . Abshir startled and sat up , he looked down at me and Gabriel and the broken plate and the book whose pages were all askew , " Did you eat my bread ? " " Yes , yes Abshir , we ate the bread and gave the crumbs to the birds . " What else could I do but tell him the truth ? Would he kill me now ? " Good , good . Get up , go on deck and find Yolo - - he 's the albino . Yolo will give you guns and teach you how to shoot them . Hurry hurry , because you will need to use the guns tomorrow . We are taking the Russian Navy prisoner tomorrow ! Yes ! We followed them all night and tomorrow we will capture them . Do you know Russian ? " " I will teach you Russian . The Muslim taught me Russian when I was a boy , and it was just so I could capture them one day ! It is fated . " Gabriel and I got up . We were relieved to go up where the air was filled with mist and light . The ship bounced under our feet and we walked like drunkards . This made us laugh , but we quickly went quiet when the one - eyed man came around the corner , he smiled and revealed that he had practically no teeth and I wondered what malady befell him and took so much of his face with it . He spit at our feet and then took a pack of cigarettes from his back pocket and offered it to Gabriel and me . We declined . We remembered Abshir 's warning . " We are looking for Yolo . Abshir told us to find Yolo . " " Come with me . Yolo is in the engine room . " We followed the one - eyed man and did our best to walk like monks and not drunkards . The man opened a great steel door and out of the darkness came an awful metallic lion 's roar - - the ship 's engine was a terrible monster that I did not want to be near . We stood just inside the doorway , several men were working in the dark , they seemed to be slaves to the engine - - doing its bid . Yolo was easy to find in the darkness . His pink skin glowed with sweat and his hair seemed as though it was on fire like the flames that burned in the belly of the ship . The one - eyed man called to Yolo and Yolo looked irritated , he stepped over another man who was lying on his back with his arms inside something not unlike an oil barrel , but the barrel was full of wires and sparks . The sparks flew out across the man 's face and came to rest on his black chest where they twinkled like hot stars momentarily and then were doused by his sweat . Yolo came to us and looked into my face , something came across his forehead , a wrinkle of recollection - - " Ah yes , Alexander and Gabriel ! Today you get your guns ! " The one - eyed man left us and Yolo came and patted me and Gabriel hard on our shoulders . He smiled a yellow smile and the black patch on his skin coiled like a storm cloud . He slammed the engine room door shut and we followed him down a corridor that cut the ship in half . Yolo then ducked into a room and told us to wait for him . He quickly reappeared with two AKs and a small metal box of ammo . There were two men in my village who carried AKs and my father warned me to always stay away from them . As we wound through the small passage to the other side of the ship , I left my body again and sat for just a moment with my father in his shop while he hammered brass into small pots for the safari visitors . I wondered why he sold me to Abshir ? Was he tired of me ? He used to say that my eyes were too much like my mother 's and that looking into them made him ache for her . If only my eyes had been somehow different , perhaps I would not have gone to sea . Perhaps . . . The AK was heavy in my hands . Yolo told me I could rest it inside the crook of my arm and against my ribs . He told me to point it out to sea or up in the air or down to the deck . He showed Gabriel and me how to load the ammo . He loaded and unloaded the gun and then had us repeat the process over and over . We seemed to be on the quiet side of the ship . The engine roar was very distant and occasionally one of the men would pass by . They were not interested in us at all . But the woman stopped to say hello . She joked with Yolo and asked for a cigarette . She then said she was offended that the small boys were allowed to have AKs and she was forbidden . Yolo laughed at her , " Your temper is too unpredictable ! " When the gun went off in my hands , I fell over backwards onto the deck . It was as though an antelope had kicked me in the chest ! Yolo laughed and Gabriel looked stricken , he leaned down and offered me a hand . Yolo told Gabriel it was his turn to shoot at the sea and Gabriel shook his head , " No ! " Yolo stood behind Gabiel and held his shoulders , " Go ahead , shoot at the fishes ! I will keep you from falling . " I watched Gabriel pull the trigger and the muzzle crackled as it discharged and then I saw a flying fish leap from the sea as the ammo peppered the waves . " Hurrah Gabriel ! You got him ! " We spent the afternoon shooting overboard until we no longer fell over backwards . Soon Yolo left us alone - - he told us to use up the whole box of ammo . And when we were done he said we were ready for the Russians . This frightened me . I didn 't know what a Russian was and when I asked Gabriel he was unable to come up with an answer . " We will have to ask Abshir to tell us what the Russians look like . Where is their village and their river ? " Gabriel and I returned to Abshir 's cabin . He had been sleeping all day . We woke him and showed him our AKs . He was proud , like my father . He went to one of his wooden crates and pulled out two silken ties , one yellow embroidered with small indigo birds and the other deep red with emerald lizards . " I stole these from a Frenchman on his sailboat . See ? " He turned the ties over and there was a small delicate tag that read Hermès . Paris . The Eiffel Tower ! He put the ties around our necks and showed us how to tie them properly . " Don 't you know this is called a Windsor Knot ? After the Duke of Windsor . " We laughed and laughed and danced for Abshir in our new ties and holding our heavy AKs aloft like good warriors . But then Gabriel stopped dancing and became sullen . Abshir asked him why he wasn 't happy anymore . " Abshir , please tell us about the Russians . Will they be easy to fight ? I have never fought before . And all I seem to be able to do with this gun is scare the fish up out of the water ! " " Yes , snow ! Some day you will go to Europe with me and I will show you snow . It is marvelous ! Cold like no cold you have ever seen ! It is like the shaved ice your fathers like to have in their Coca - Colas . " " Yes , the sun burns their skin and makes them faint ! We 'll overtake their Navy ship and tie them to each other on deck where they will wilt and wilt and fade and then die in the sun . And the Russian Navy will bring us millions of dollars to buy back their ship . And then ? My sons , Gabriel and Alexander , we will be quite powerful and rule the sea . " Abshir lit a cigarette and then he handed a cigarette to each one of us . I puffed confidently and I liked the smoke curling around my face like the fog that was rising from the sea just outside the little cabin window . I imagined being the son of Abshir , King of the Sea . We would return to my village and find my father . I would give him enough money that he would no longer have to hammer brass pots for the tourists . The ship came to a stop , the engine went dead and we heard the channeling of the anchor chains as they spooled out of the hull and into the sea . We would sit like a leopard in a tree limb all night , waiting for the wildebeest to stroll beneath her . Abshir gathered all the men , and the one woman , and Gabriel and I on deck . We ate fish and bread and there was much whiskey and Gabriel and I were given a bottle of French champagne , also stolen from the Frenchman 's sailboat . The champagne was like golden Coca - Cola and it made me very dizzy . There was hashish and mint tea and even sweets . I felt as though we were already wealthy beyond anything I had ever known , but Abshir explained that the Russian Navy had to be captured the very next night . He knew their sea route . The old Muslim bird man told him exactly where the Russians were going to be . How did the bird man know this ? How ? But there we sat on the black water with the stars like a million hyena eyes staring down at us from the ceiling of heaven . The band of us fell asleep on deck , our bellies full and our hearts pounding with Abshir 's plan . There was a large wooden motorboat on board our ship and it was carefully lowered into the sea . Abshir told us to follow him and Yolo into the boat . We climbed down a rope ladder and stepped lightly into the boat that seemed not quite large enough to carry us all . There were twelve of us huddled in the morning mist in the boat . I looked up and saw the one - eyed man and the woman watching us . There were some others we were leaving behind too . They shouted " Bonne Chance ! " And then they raised their guns in victory to us . Yolo yanked the motor boat to life and we lurched into the sea . I watched as our ship grew smaller and smaller and finally it disappeared as though it had sunk . We were flying along on the open sea now , our motor boat was buffeted over and over by the lines of waves . Abshir watched his compass and talked into a radio . We were all given radios and reams of ammo . We stalked her for what seemed like ages , but perhaps it was only a few hours . She remained quite small in the distance and the sun passed over us and began to rest just on the edge of the sea . The fog of the previous day returned and then darkness fell over us . The elephant began to twinkle with little lights in the distance , we could see her perfectly lit and traced by her lanterns . Yolo gunned the engine and we flew across the sea with nothing in our way . Abshir rode the bow of our boat bravely and determined . Gabriel pinched my arm and I smiled at him . I was not certain what was going to happen next and time seemed to be out of control now . Time had been left somewhere behind us in the ocean . The salt was burning my forehead and the palms of my hands tingled . Yolo sped right to the side of the elephant - - she was still and heavy in the water . A watchman , a Russian looked down at us from the great sides of his naval ship and Abshir shouted to him in a language I had only heard once before , it was the language he spoke with the old Muslim . The watchman disappeared quickly and we heard much commotion . " Hurry ! Hurry ! " Abshir shouted and we all climbed up the sides of the great ship . We jumped on deck , with our AKs down and ready . But there was no one . We all looked at each other . This was puzzling to the men . Gabriel and I could tell that this wasn 't right - - weren 't we in for a battle with the Russians now ? " They are cowards ! We will find them . They are hiding somewhere . " Abshir told us to split up . Gabriel and I followed him and 3 other men down one side of the ship while the others went across the deck . We peered in windows and kicked open doors . No one . We came upon the galley with a table set for dinner , there was much food and wine and the plates appeared to be half full . . . the Russians had been eating here only minutes before . We went to the table and greedily ate the food . There was lamb and couscous and potatoes . I was so hungry and again time was lost and I splintered from my body as I took in the food . The rest of the men showed up , they had found no one - - empty beds , an empty engine room , no one . They found two life boats and so we surmised that they hadn 't escaped by boat . We ate all of the food in the galley and finally sat down to the table to drink the wine . There were Russian cigarettes and we smoked them and the men seemed almost to have forgotten why we had boarded the ship . But Abshir had not forgotten . He sucked the flesh of a leg of lamb and watched out the galley door , and then I saw a thought rise in him . He threw the meat bone to the floor and rose from his seat , " Hurry , hurry ! I know where they are ! They are in a safe room somewhere on board . We 'll find it and shoot our way in . " We came out of our dazes and ran out the door and up the starboard side of the ship with Abshir leading us . He ducked into a passageway and started trying all the doors , he shouted to Yolo to remain out on deck and told Gabriel and I to stay with Yolo . As we stood guard on deck , we heard Abshir and the men scouring the ship for the door that might lead to a safe room . I looked out on the night horizon and saw a star twinkle low and bright , very near the sea . I pinched Gabriel and told him to look at the funny star . We watched the star and it became two stars and then they became three . . . I realized they were not stars at all , but the lights of a fast moving ship ! " Yolo ! A ship is coming ! " Yolo spun round and squinted , " Merde , merde , merde ! nous sommes baisés ! " Yolo left us to find Abshir and they all came running to the side of the ship to watch the approaching ship . It was coming so fast we had no time . No time at all . The ship seemed to break into smaller ships and we could see the high speed motor boats that it had sent out to maneuver more quickly . We decided to climb down the sides of our " captured " ship and try to make a getaway in our own little boat . We piled in and Yolo yanked at the motor , he yanked and he yanked , but she wouldn 't start . " Hurry ! Merde ! " Abshir pushed Yolo aside and tried to yank the motor himself , but nothing , she just sputtered and then there was nothing but the light of four or five suns shining on us and the clicking of guns ready to fire . There were so many many men and their skin was as white as the light , as white as the shaved ice that our fathers liked to have in their Coca - Colas and they shouted to us in that language . Abshir shouted back to them in their language and some of them laughed . They didn 't expect Abshir to be educated . They made us climb back up the sides of the big ship and they surrounded us . They carefully took our weapons away and they were especially interested in Gabriel and me . One of them leaned into my face and took my silk tie between his fingers , " How old are you ? " He spoke English , a very strange English , but it was English . I stood stiffly and told him I was fourteen years old . He asked me how old Gabriel was and I told him the same . They gathered us on a wide open swath of deck at the rear of the ship and shackled us all together . There was some commotion toward the bow and we watched as the crew we had attempted to take prisoner earlier emerged from a hatch in the deck . They had been under our feet all the time ; listening to us run about like fools searching for them . Now there were many of them . Many many Russians and they were not weak at all . Abshir had underestimated their size and their strength . They were clever warriors , like Alexander the Great . And we were thwarted so easily by them . There had been no shots fired and now we were all alive and facing each other . They decided to shackle us all together and there they left us on deck with just a few of their men to watch us til the sun rose . The sister ship arrived at our side and we were overwhelmed by her size . It was a true war ship . . . it was bigger than any river or mountain I had ever imagined . I wanted to fall asleep but it was impossible to fall asleep in chains . So I closed my eyes and tried to swim away in my mind , just like the Englishman taught me . I swam and swam up a long river and I swam so swiftly that the crocodiles were unable to eat me and the hippos were astounded as I passed them . They put us on the big ship in the morning . They put us in a large cell below deck and told us they were taking us to a Russian prison . Abshir hung his head , all his courage seemed to have left him . Gabriel and I sat close to one another . We didn 't say a word , but we could speak with our minds . We dreamed to be back on the land , any land at all . I wondered if they would really keep us in the Russian prison , surely because we were only boys they would let us go ? Days went by . I don 't know how many because I couldn 't see the sun rise or set . The Russians opened the door occasionally and brought us bread and water and they even gave us some goat meat . The sun would pour in through the door when they opened it and that was the only way that I knew it was day . Yolo began to complain of pains in his stomach and they took him away . Not long after they took Yolo away , two Russians came with pencils and paper and they asked us lots of questions . We told them our names and our ages . We told them we were from Somalia . Abshir found some courage and he told them he was educated . He spoke to them in their language . He told them we should be returned to Mogadishu and they scowled at him . The next day they came and told us to come on deck . They lined us up and put a large rubber raft down in the sea . There was no land anywhere . The sun was very high and there were not even sea birds in the sky . We could tell we were many many miles from Somalia . They told us they couldn 't take us back to Somalia . And they couldn 't take us to Russia because it would be too much trouble to try and convict us . Abshir shouted and started to protest . They pushed him overboard . We watched him fall and fall and hit the water with a terrible splash . We watched as he struggled in the sea to get to the rubber raft . We shouted to him , " Abshir ! Abshir ! " and he got hold of the raft and pulled himself in . He sat in the raft and looked up at us like a lion in a trap . We turned and faced the Russians . They told us to climb down the ladder and get in the raft with Abshir . The one that came to me on the first night and asked me how old I was gave me a metal box , " This is a beacon . Keep it in the boat with you . Perhaps someone will find you . " The beacon beat in my hand like a lion 's heart . I thanked the Russian . I believed him . I believed someone might find us . But they never did . Mrs . Birdseed 's Green Headed Parrot wasted no time . He went straight to the Pyrancanthus grove near the creek where he had seen the Cedar Wax Wings eating last spring . He watched them through his little window - - they descended on the Pyracanthus full of red berries like an army and decimated the supply , then they packed their khaki pockets and moved on to the next camp . Spring was near , and the Parrot knew the Wax Wings would be coming north any day now . He needed to fill up on the berries and come up with a plan . Only moments after he settled in for his meal did the Little Green Heron arrive , and Green Headed Parrot watched the Heron as he settled onto a mossy rock on the creek 's edge . Heron : Sorry ' bout old Mrs . Birdseed Parrot . Parrot : Thanks Heron . It was nice while it lasted , but the old girl was getting on my nerves you know . What with calling me Peter , never feeding me fruit , and that Chihuahua talked too much . Parrot : Not if he knew what I 'm worth . . . Heron : You ? Yer a jungle bird who came to town in a broken down van with a load of other jungle birds and a few smelly spider monkeys all bound for the Mexican Flea Market . What could you possibly be worth ? Parrot : Let 's just say Coyote could buy himself a fleet of Eldorados if he listens to me . Heron : That 's funny , I don 't see no one with you . You look like a little green parrot to me . You don 't even have a suit case . Parrot : We go waaaay back , Polo Pony and me . All the way back to a certain polo field in Mexico City . She 's my ticket home Heron . The day after Mrs . Birdseed died , her family went to her two room house that sits on the edge of the 100 - acre field . They carried the white bird cage that sat on a table next to her love seat outside and opened the little door releasing the small green headed parrot that Mrs . Birdseed had received as a Valentine 's gift from her Mexican neighbor three years prior . It was not intended as a romantic gift , " Mrs . Birdseed , this bird , he will keep you company . My brother brings the birds from Mexico every month . He sells them at the flea market . This bird is a particularly fine bird . " And so she gladly took the beautiful and somewhat elaborate white bird cage with little bars curled and twisted like lace . She named the bird Peter , because she once knew a man by that name who worked in the library . Peter never charged her late fees and sometimes she saw him eating his lunch on a bench in the town park - - always alone , slightly hunched , knees together as though he was expecting disaster . Sometimes the Vulture cannot sleep , what with being consumed by death all the time . He lays awake and desires life . On this particular night he listens to a broadcast of La Traviata hoping it will lull him to sleep , but instead he is so taken with the story , he listens to the entire opera and weeps at the sound of the living coming through the radio . Ground Hog : We would like to begin with a very large plate of dumplings with a bowl of Rooster sauce . Then you shall bring us two bowls of your very best egg drop soup . And then , then your New Years 's Speciality , the Roast Duck . Is that agreeable to you Possum ? Tiny Waitress places the beverages on the table and lights the the little red dragon candle between them . She retreats to the kitchen and there is a great whoosh when she pushes through the red doors into the inner sanctum of the kitchen . A cloud of steam puffs out into the dining room and dissipates somewhere over the tank of goldfish who are conspiring in a veil of seaweed . Ground Hog : I am with you friend , after being taunted by boys with sticks in that dusty ditch last summer , I look forward to a year of good will . But I ask you this ? Why is it that we are not on the Zodiac ? Possum : Of course not ! There 's no such thing as a dragon ! They should replace the dragon with you friend , the common Whistle Pig . . . uh umm , so sorry , the Ground Hog ! Ground Hog : Yes ! There is an entire year dedicated to a Monkey . What ever is a monkey ? This must be another fantastic animal in the realm of the dragon , no ? The silver Lincoln Town Car with Florida plates cuts through the landscape of yellow fields and ignores the thick angus steers behind barbed wire fences who regard the car as ominous . Cows notice things while women are inside the houses running their dishwashers and their TVs and their mouths on the phone while talk shows play muted , " Did you see that ? Just now . . . " The electric window of the Town Car whirs open just enough for the man at the wheel and on the cell phone to flick his half smoked cigarette out into the wind where it flutters and still burns red like the coals of a fire pit just being lit in a carneceria almost a thousand miles away , but a passing truck catches the cigarette in its cracked radiator grill before it hits the road . The window whirs shut again , sealing the man in and the wet January air out . The cows forget the car now that its out of sight and they lower their heads and snort - - the grass is dead . The man at the wheel ignores the school zone signs because this country road is wide and flat and he 's intent on leaving a voice mail message , " I found her , man , I found her . My ETA for Miami is noon tomorrow . What a god - forsaken place this is . . . " A school bus pulls out in front of him and turns and the children in the back press their faces to the rear emergency exit windows and stick out their tongues and make rude gestures they don 't understand to the man on the phone , steam on the glass obscures parts of their faces - - he hits the brakes , almost absentmindedly , and the Town Car slows itself like a perfectly engineered private jet and now the man makes another call . |
Tell Tibi Kárász I 'm gonna kick his ass . And I 'm gonna beat the shit out of him , because he 's dumb as an ox . Who does he think he is ? Your father didn 't go thieving like the others . Your father is an honest man . He got everything with the labor of his own two hands . We got a roof over our heads . Some don 't even have a roof over their heads . Right ? Besides , you 're not scrawny . I 'm not scrawny neither . It 's the way we 're made . And you 're gonna have everything you need , if it kills me . You 'll see . That Tibor Kárász . Did he say anything about me ? It 's not my fault things turned out this way , you know that . It doesn 't mean I 'm not as good as the next guy . I provide for you , don 't I ? Do you go hungry ? The young boy was wearing a threadbare brown man 's winter coat , open up front and hanging loosely from his shoulders in the back . It swept the ground so you couldn 't see the pants underneath . He was kicking up the dust with his dirty black lace - up boots and licking an ice cream cone . His father was leaning against a tree next to him , supporting an accordion with his feet . His hands were sunk inside the pockets of his blue jacket , a check shawl was wrapped around his neck , and a cap with a brim was pulled over his head . They were standing in front of a small , old - fashioned railway station , waiting for the train . His thin face unshaven , the man cast cursory glances at the child , sucking his teeth in the meantime . He had numerous ways of sucking his teeth . It mostly sounded like he was saying wheeze , though at times it was sleaze , and at others , still , it was more like pfizz , provided he sucked his teeth from the front . Sometimes he 'd even swallow and say yum , or yum - yum when he wanted the boy to laugh , and in turn the boy would let out a constrained high - pitched giggle . But it was not real laughter , just pretense . At school the other children called his father the paddler , because when he walked , he moved his arms and hands as if he were paddling a boat . They also said he 's a good - for - nothing , stoking coal for the sun . I told you . We gotta look like we 're poor . Not very , but still . If they ask , we 're poor . And fix your hair . No , not like that ! Like this ! That 's better . I thought I told you to stop , didn 't I ? And throw that damned ice cream away , and don 't make me have to tell you again . And keep your mouth shut when we get on . It was a yellowish fall afternoon . In the back of the dilapidated station building there stretched a parched cornfield , and there were some houses too nearby with a wide dirt road meandering past them . A cow on a long chain was grazing off the grass that sprang up out of the dirt . There were hardly any people waiting for the train . Seeing that he had a limp and that there was a child with him and an accordion hanging round his neck , they wanted to let him go on ahead . But he motioned to them , it 's all right , he 'll wait his turn . Then he nudged the boy , go on , he said , then he got on , too , with his crippled feet . A woman wanted to help , but he said no , let me , I 've got plenty of practice . You know , Ma ' am , he said once they were up on the platform , if I let strangers help , I might lose my grip and fall . No offense meant . The woman didn 't say anything . She placed the bag she was carrying between her feet and stared out the window . The boy was about to head for the inside of the train , but his father grabbed him by the shoulder . Won 't you come in ? , he said to the woman , but she said no , I 'm getting off the next stop . She 's worried that if she parts with a forint , she 'll starve to death , the boy 's father grumbled in the door . Though the car was nearly empty , the smoke was so thick , you could cut it with a knife . He slid the door open , stopped , removed his cap , and loud and clear , he said , good day , I 'm István Balog . Can I play something for you ? Then he squeezed his accordion together , and his fingers began moving along the keys . I 'm off to the trenches in a strange land , he began tentatively , but you 're the love of my life , Rosie - Posie , went down a lot better . The boy was standing by his father 's side , gently supporting him with one hand , but he didn 't feel like singing along . Not yet . There 'd be plenty of time for that later . Besides , his father said it 's all right , you don 't have to every time , if you don 't feel like it . Now , for instance , the boy didn 't feel like singing because of this beforehand . He stood by his father 's side and felt every hair stand on end . It didn 't hurt , but he could feel it . Every evening his father wet his hair and curled it up on sticks of wood or pencil stubs , then wrapped it around , and he had to sleep like that . A black woman in a Gypsy town once said he looked like a blond angel , and every since , his father insisted on curling his hair and making him sleep with a kerchief wrapped round his head , like a woman . If Tibi Kárász ever got wind of it ! He couldn 't , of course . Still , he 'd know . Tibi Kárász , he knows everything . This , too , probably . Meanwhile , his father was playing and singing with a warble to his voice , swaying to and fro to the music , not looking at anyone , fixing his eyes on the baggage racks . From time to time he nudged the boy 's head with his elbow to stop standing there like an oaf and pay attention . To what ? The carriage was almost empty . An old man was sitting by the window , wiping the fogged - up pane and looking out , and so was the person sitting across from him . Soon as they see us , they all stare out the window , his father always said . You 'd think we were going round with the church collection box , the way they twist their necks ! A young girl with long hair was reading a book , so she didn 't look at them either . On the other side of the carriage , two older boys were sitting across from each other , laughing . That 's as much as they could see of the car . His father isn 't going to sing here for long , the boy thought ; he 's gonna stop in a minute , thank them for listening , and ask them for a small contribution . He 'll go round with his father 's cap , holding it up in front of the passengers . But you don 't have to do it long , his father had once told him . Only the girl gave them something . She had the money in her hand and dropped it in the hat . The boy thanked her , then walked over to the boys , but they didn 't give him anything . Nor did the two old men . There was also a woman sitting up front with a sleeping child on her arm , but all she did was look intently at it to the exclusion of everything else . There was a basket of apples by her side , but she didn 't give them any of that either , whereas they usually do . Twenty forints . Not bad for a start , his father said cheerfully . It 'll pick up now , you 'll see . There 'll be more people on the train now . The women are headed for the market . The others at the railroad started to call Balog Balog the Cripple after a train backed up and swiped him . He should 've had his leg amputated , but he wouldn 't hear of it . I 'd rather have you cut my head off , right here , he said , and he showed them where . He was still a cheerful sort then , and for a long time afterward , too , even though his leg was badly mangled and he needed repeated surgery until it got some semblance of shape to it , but he could never work again . Even walking was a problem . He would have had to go under the knife two more times , at least , to strengthen his foot and to make the bones move , but by then he 'd had enough . Every time he went under the knife he 'd gnaw his pillow from the pain until he said , enough . Enough ! He 's not going to get his leg back , so what 's the use ? He had stopped joking by then . Just turning in bed caused him excruciating pain . Then gradually he learned to walk with his characteristic waddle , sliding - jerking - wrenching himself forward . First he had to hitch his shoulder , then twist his hip and swing his arms , and he bit his lips until they bled . Without crutches , he told his wife elatedly , who cried when she heard . Then he got pensioned off , which didn 't improve his spirits either . It 's no good , being pensioned off at the age of forty . Later his movements improved a great deal , only the sole of his foot and the foot itself burned like fire , and he got tired quickly . That 's when he came up with the accordion , because he couldn 't bear the boredom at home any more . And there were other problems , too . You find me repulsive , he asked his wife , and she said no , of course not . Besides , it 's not her fault . She 's not the one to blame . Because if you 're planning to leave me , I want to know . I 'm not going to stand in your way . You 're still young . I 'm sorry . But I can 't take it any more . I always had a thing about cripples . I can 't help it . It turns my stomach . I feel sorry for you . But I can 't help it . What am I supposed to do ? I can 't lie down next to you . How could I ? I can 't expect you to understand . I did the best I could . But I can 't . Still , we manage , don 't we ? Maybe I 'll get used to it with time . I 'll have a couple of drinks , or god knows what I 'm going to do . I 've even seen a doctor about it . I was hoping he could do something . In the end , she left . They agreed not to get a divorce , and she wouldn 't take the child with her or wax sentimental . It 'll be like you 're visiting somebody , understand ? You can come whenever you like , you know that . And let 's not say any more to the boy , the rest can wait . And later , when he 's older , he can go see you whenever he wants . It 's the best I can think of . It 's not your fault . I know this may sound silly , but could you buy something for the child now and then so he 'll know he 's got himself a mother ? Don 't worry , it 'll be on me . I 'll tell him you went to stay with a sick relative . They were standing in a dark and noisy passageway between carriages . It was cold , and the floorboards pitched gently under their feet . The boy was trembling . Let 's rest a while , his father said , pulling the boy closer , rubbing his back and shoulder . This was the only place they could stop to catch their breath ; everywhere else there were too many people around . Even in the space by the train doors people were standing with sacks , bags , and cans . As they were nearing Debrecen , the train had gradually filling up with passengers . In the dining car a group of pensioners , a little worse for drink , were having a loud time of it , singing to themselves , when Balog entered . They were glad to have him , and he began to accompany them on his accordion while the boy stood silently by . Then his father started singing my one true love , she 's up and left me , just like that , from the middle of the song , at which the group fell silent . Stop , a fat man shouted , wheezing , take it from the top ! It was a long , melancholy song , and after a while the boy joined in , too , because his father kept nudging him with his elbow , good - bye , my love , good - bye . How do you know these old tunes , they asked Balog , but he just smiled . I know a great many tunes , he said . Well , then , let 's hear , they urged , we got plenty of time on our hands . They brought him a beer , then he told them that his father had been at the front too and was wounded , that 's how he came home , wounded . From then on he played music on trains and he , a mere child , accompanied him wherever he went . Except , he always embellished the story , and the boy remembered that he never told the same story twice . Oh dear , oh my , the people said in amazement , and now it 's you and your son . Well , well . But what 's happened to your leg , if you don 't mind the intrusion , the fat man asked . My leg ? , Balog sighed , it 's no big deal , I could get used to that . By this time the boy would tug at his sleeve , because he didn 't like what followed , even though he knew it was no use urging his father , because he wouldn 't stop . Once he got some drink in him , and even if he didn 't , at this point his father would launch into a confused explanation about how his foot this and his foot that , and not a word of it was true . He never said that it happened while he was working for the railroad . It was high time for the boy to move away from him . You see ? , his father would say pointing at him . Poor child . He can 't even bear to hear me tell it , it upsets him so much . We had to bring him back from the threshold of death , ' cause he hanged himself . And such a young child , the others said , aghast . What with ? His mother 's stocking . That 's how much he loved her while she was alive . She died ? , someone who 'd just started attending to the story asked , but Balog just waved it off . I better go after the boy . Make sure he won 't do something crazy again . At other times he 'd show the scars on his stomach . The boy , he 's got one of my kidneys . This is where they took it out . And I say to the doctor , take my heart , too , if he needs it , take my eyes , my brain , take whatever the boy needs ! And by then he 'd be crying , and the women would cry along with him , and the boy , too , was crying when he found him , mostly in the toilet or outside the carriage door , where he could be alone . Why do you say stuff like thThis time , though , he was in high spirits when he went to find the child , who heard his waddling steps , knocking his feet into everything , he thought in the back of the car , and sighed . Oh , there you are , Son , he hollered cheerfully as he forced himself through the sliding door , you 're going in the wrong direction , we 've done that bit already ! The child retraced his steps without a word and stopped when he reached the other end of the car , waited for his father to catch up , then let go of the door . They sent you some chocolate , his father said . Here . Take it . The boy stopped . Let 's wait a bit , all right ? Let 's take a breather and you eat it . They invited us to a wedding , he said later . Would you like to go ? Or are you angry ? The next carriage had a group of loud , raucous schoolchildren , probably on their way to an outing . Balog and the boy could hardly push their way through them . The boy took his father 's hand and walked up front , fixing his eyes straight ahead . Thank God , his father didn 't want to play or sing , because the children would 've made fun , and Tibi Kárász was sure to find out . He would 've also found out about his lace - up boots , not to mention his oversize coat . He 's got a proper coat , but when he accompanies his father , he 's got to wear this coat , because they 're poor . Tibi Kárász might even be in the car for all he knew , and he 'll be hearing him in a minute : what 's up , Pauper Boy ? You look like something that 's been pissed on the wall and hatched . He fixed his eyes on the floor , but he could still feel the children whispering behind his back , nudging each other , suppressing a giggle , and soon as they 're gone , screaming with laughter , he knew . The two monkeys , they 'd say , two monkeys from the fair ground . He hurried through the carriage so that his father could hardly keep up . Let 's stop , he said in the back , let me catch my breath . But still , they did not get off . Just a little bit more , his father pleaded , because the back of the car was by now crowded with people , mostly women , and that was always a good sign . Behold a little baby boy a happy babe is he , his face how bright , his heart how light , his throne his mother 's knee , they sang , and people started asking questions again , at which point the boy went on ahead to the next car , and didn 't even hear his father say , look at that child . He 's been pieced together from my body , and now this is all that 's left of me . And him . When they entered the next car they still couldn 't get off , because the passengers were already expecting them . Somebody had tipped them off , and they didn 't even have to sing ; instead , Balog had to show his scars . See ? See here ? For two whole days he lived with my heart . This is where they took it out , and we were both hooked up to it . At other times he showed his back . The boy couldn 't breathe . This is where they inserted a tube from him into my lung , so he shouldn 't suffocate . Also , his knee . Believe it or not , he 's got my knee . He doesn 't know because I signed a paper saying I wouldn 't tell him . They must 've been near the front of the train by then , because they could hear the sound of the locomotive from up close , when Balog said they 'd get off at the next stop , because by now , he 's had it , too . There was a strong wind between the cars , but they managed to reach the adjoining carriage all the same . OK , we can stop here , he said , and lowered his accordion to the floor . He took a knitted hat from his pocket and pulled it over the boy 's head . Dad , the boy said after a while , there 's somebody there . Where ? , his father asked . Over there . I can see his feet . Balog took a step or two in the direction indicated by his son and spotted a young man lying at the head of the corridor . He must 've been attacked near the door leading inside . He had on jeans and a jacket , and his shirt was torn , and his head and face were smeared with blood . Let 's get away from here , Son , he said , frightened . And don 't look . But Dad . You promised we 'd get off . Let 's go back to the other car . We 'll get off there . Come on , move ! Open the door ! But the boy kept staring at the man on the ground , because he was sure he saw him make weak , jerky movements . Then the toilet door was flung open and two men came out . Tut - tut , said the one , what have you two been up to ? He had curly black hair and long side - whiskers that reached down to the corners of his lips . Well , lookee there , added the other , they beat Mugger within an inch of his life . The second man was also dark , but not as much , and his metal teeth flashed in his mouth . Shame on you , he said to Balog , then they burst out laughing . Come with us , the curly - haired man said , we gotta talk this over . Please , Balog said , we didn 't hurt nobody . I 'm a wandering musician and me and my son , we want to get off . Are you sure it wasn 't you knocked him cold , the man with the metal teeth asked , though it was in fact a threat . I 'm sure , Balog said . How could I have done it with my crippled . . . Well , if it wasn 't you , who the fuck was it ? Well ? The Bogeyman ? Meanwhile , theBalog tried everything he could think of so he wouldn 't have to go with them . His son 's still a child and ailing , he said , he may even have a fever , at times he 's delirious , and his mind wanders . No sweat , they said , his mind can wander all it wants . Ours wanders , too , at the yard . Then he said he was tired and showed them his scars and his crippled legs . So much the better , the curly one said , they 'll think you 're from the circus . So move your ass . Bewildered and scared , the boy shot pleading glances every which way , but the two men pushed them toward the inside of the car , where there was an incredible amount of smoke and noise . They were greeted with an ovation . It was evident at a glance that the men and women sitting and standing around a traveling case covered with cards and money were old friends . I got us a musician , the curly man announced . He 's got something to say , so shut up , everybody ! I got nothing to say , Balog said defensively as he pulled the boy closer , trying to laugh it off . But then he figured it 'd be best to do as he was told . Oh , all right , he said , because some of the company were threatening him by then . But just one . Because we 're tired . Somebody handed him a bottle of beer , telling him to drink up , and they made the boy drink , too , despite his protests . Then somebody picked him up and settled him atop a luggage rack . Are you hungry , a woman with heavily painted lips asked . Would you like a banana ? Here ! The boy needs clothes , not bananas . Just look at the rags he 's wearing , someone else said . Why don 't you dress him proper ? Balog hemmed and hawed , he 's got proper clothes , except not for here , it 'd be a pity on the train , they 'd just get wrinkled and worn out . Then he began to play his accordion . Louder , some people shouted , we can 't hear ! Hey , shut up , everybody ! Balog started to play an old sentimental tune , and for a while they listened , but then a bald man with a neck like a bull cut in saying that 's no good , we 're not at a funeral . Ain 't you got a happiBalog couldn 't really play the accordion . He only knew the movements he 'd learned from his father , and the songs to go with them ; he never tried anything new , nor had there been any need . Now he was in a bind , but he did his best to hold the rhythm steady when the others joined in , except he made a poor show of it , and after a while the people stopped singing and said , old man , you 're just no good . Get your ass out of here , you 're not worth shit . You 're a mound of shaking jelly , the curly man added , not a musician . Hey , somebody , give him something . I don 't want him saying we 're misers . No , no , don 't , Balog said , trying to calm them , I couldn 't entertain you , so don 't pay me . Who cares , the man with the metal teeth said , time is money , what do you say , boys ? Have you got change for a thousand , somebody put in , at which there was laughter and guffaws all around . How did you come to be such a pitiful reject , a thin , asthmatic man asked , what happened to you ? Why don 't you walk properly ? Wouldn 't it be a whole lot easier on you , at which there was another round of laughter . Isn 't that band heavy , they asked , then they took the accordion from around his neck and started pulling and tugging at it , as if it were a piece of string , each man according to his strength . They vied to outdo each other , pulling at it high above their heads , or in the back , up front , then somebody had an idea , hey , you , he said to Balog , I know why you push them buttons . It helps to pull this thing apart , a remark that was immediately followed by another round of laughter . And he even gets paid for it . It 's highway robbery ! OK , here 's your money , and good riddance . Where 's the boy ? Has anybody seen the boy ? They pulled the boy off the luggage rack , and proceeded to admire him . What nice big teeth , somebody said . Have you got them all ? Yes , said the boy . And look at those muscles ! The bull - neck felt his arms and laughed . That 's what I call muscles of steel ! Have you got your weenie too ? The boy nodded and smiled as those big men passed him around , then somebody picked him up . I 'll carry him , he said , just don 't piss on my clothes , you hear ? The boy laughed , and he didn 't even seek his father 's face , because he felt so good , so very good . The man with the bull 's neck told him to grab on to his hair , but he didn 't have a single strand , and the boy leaned his cheek against his bald head , flung his arms around his neck , and laughed and laughed and laughed . All right , everybody , the man with the curly hair shouted , that 's enough ! Leave them be ! Shumi , take that thing after the old man . See our guests to the door and make sure they don 't come back . Want another drink , old man ? No ? Have it your way . They led the boy up front , followed by his father . They 'd grabbed hold of him under the arm , so he didn 't have to walk . The man in the back brought his accordion . Then in the front of the car the man who 'd been carrying him took the boy from around his neck . Well , he said , here we are . Put it there , he said , and he offered the boy a hand the size of a shovel , whereupon the boy slammed his own into it . Good show , Son ! First class ! Then he flung open the train door . The boy felt a light push and heard somebody say , there you go , and he went flying through the air with his father behind him . The accordion landed a ways off . The train proceeded on its way . Thank God we 're small and thin , his father said once he 'd managed to sit up . And also , that the weeds are so thick here . Are you hurt ? No , said the boy , who 'd gotten to his feet by then and was toeing the grass with his boot as if nothing had happened . He was even smiling . His father was panting heavily . Fuck them , he said , then heaped curses on them right and left , those filthy , rotten , flea - eating bastards , look what they 've done to us . It boggles the mind . It 's incredible . I hope they don 't think they can get away with this . The vermin . A child and a cripple . And what are you laughing at ? The boy burst out laughing , his two mouse - teeth glistening with saliva . There was saliva in the corner of his mouth , too , and he said it tickles when his father touches him , which wasn 't true , it 's just that he couldn 't help laughing at the whole thing , the bald man throwing them off the train . Maybe they 'll come and get them and then they 'll laugh at the whole thing together , the curly - haired man and the man with the metal teeth , and the bald man will pick him up again and bark at him to leave his hair alone , which he hasn 't got . You 're a rascal , his father said to him , and began tickling him in earnest , then picked him up in his arm and said , no harm done . Later he got to his feet and looked around . Just as I figured , he said . We 're near Apafa . Just a hop , skip , and a jump away . Freight trains pass by here all the time . They slow way down . We 'll hoist ourselves on one , all right ? All right ? , he asked again , because the boy , who was staring into space with traces of laughter still on his face , did not answer him . Then he said , all right . Like the last time , his father went on , but only if it slows way down . I 'll tell you when , and not before . Later he picked up his accordion , but his face was sad as he brought it over to his son . It 's got a lot of problemswith it , he complained , it 'll need fixing . It 's broken . Then he turned it around , tried it , then set it down with a sigh . For a while neither spoke . Then the boy stood up and went to the rails to have a look , but there was no freight train approaching . Then a regular train came , passing them with a speedy clatter , then again nothing , for a long while . Then a freight train came , but it was as fast as the passenger train . Sit down , his father said , and stop fretting . And stop walking along the tracks . I know this stretch . It 'll come . Sometimes they back up all the way to here . The boy made no answer , but there was sadness in his eyes , and he sat down in the dry grass , like his father . Then another train passed , but it was headed in the opposite direction . It was followed by two more . Then nothing . I 'm not gonna hurt you , I just can 't hear clear what you learned on that train . Your mother would be proud of you if she knew , he added with ill humor . Tibi Kárász . Did he say anything about your mother ? A low rumble could be heard , like the approach of a train . Balog got to his feet , and then the boy , it 's slow , his father said , as far as I can tell . It might suit us . Come , let 's get ready . Then he quickly grabbed the boy and pressed him close , but the boy wrenched himself free . The train 's coming , he said with a happy shout . Wait , his father yelled , don 't run ! If it 's too fast , we 'll wait for the next train , you hear ? Fine , the boy yelled back , but all his attention was pinned on the train . Flatcars , his father said when the freight train pulled up . It might do . Just don 't go too close . Wait for me . Wait till it slows way down . He couldn 't take his eyes off the boy as he climbed the pebbled railway bed , agile as a lizard , his father thought . He shuffled and wriggled after him as fast as he could , panting and still shouting , wait ! , then he saw the boy grab a step , oh , God , he 's hanging in midair ! , but the next moment he heaved himself up . I 'm coming , his father shouted , sit down and don 't move . He managed to grab hold of a step at the further end of the wagon , that 's good , he thought , once I got hold of it , it 's mine . The train was pulling him along , but that was all right , and as for the boy , he was running along the platform toward him , sit down , he shouted , I 've almost made it . Then he felt a laced - up boot kick his face , then another , two blinding - white explosions . He let go of the iron . He couldn 't bear it any more . There was no reason why he should . From Lassú teher ( Slow Freight ) , Magvető Kiadó , Budapest , second edition , 1998 . Copyright Sándor Tar . By arrangement with the estate of Sándor Tar . Translation copyright Judith Sollosy . All rights reserved . Sándor Tar was born in the small southern town of Hajdúsámson in 1941 . Though he worked most of his life in a factory as a toolmaker , he began publishing as a samizdat writer with the support of the democratic opposition . After his works appeared in the progressive journal Holmi , his career took off . One of the most highly respected novelists and short - story writers of recent years , he was as popular with his fellow writers as with the public . ( Péter Esterházy is among his admirers . ) He died on January 30 , 2005 , at the height of his popularity , leaving behind what many consider to be the best depictions of the human cost of the post - Kádár era . His publications include nine collections of short stories , among them A Mi utcánk ( Our Street , Magvető , 1995 ) and Lassú teher ( Slow Freight , Magvető , 1998 ) , a novella , and a novel , the surrealistic political thriller Szürke galamb ( Gray Pigeon , Magvető , 1996 ) . Judith Sollosy is the translator of contemporary Hungarian authors Péter Esterházy , Mihály Kornis , Lajos Parti Nagy , and István Örkény . She is senior editor at Corvina Books , Budapest , and teaches translation studies and creative writing at ELTE ( Budapest University ) . Her most recent translations include Péter Esterházy 's Celestial Harmonies ( 2004 ) and Not Art ( 2010 ) . Her book on translation , Hunglish Into English . The Elements of Translation from Hungarian Into English , was published last year . She is a graduate of Barnard College , Columbia University , and the State University of New York at Buffalo . Words without Borders opens doors to international exchange through translation , publication , and promotion of the best international literature . Every month we publish select prose and poetry on our site . In addition we develop print anthologies , work with educators to bring literature in translation into classrooms , host events with foreign authors , and maintain an extensive archive of global writing . |
Watch the following documentary divided in three parts and take notes of the most relevant aspects of James Joyce 's life . When it comes to understanding James Joyce it is important to know as many aspect of his life as possible and to get a taste of Dublin . This , because , all his works are autobiographical and have Dublin and the Irish at the centre of his literary works . 1 . The character Molly Bloom in his novel " Ulysses " is based on his wife Nora Barnacle from Galway . The novel even takes place on June 16 ( otherwise known as " Bloomsday " ) or the day Joyce met his future wife in 1904 . 7 . He returned to Ireland in 1909 to open Dublin 's first movie theater , the Cinematograph Volta on 45 Mary Street . Featuring Italian and European movies unpopular with the Dubliners , the cinema shut its doors in 1919 . Look at this Italian modern adaptation of " Eveline " , it is evidence of how contemporary this short story can be . Do you like it ? Why ( not ) ? Ulysses comprises 18 " Episodes " . Each of these episodes was serialized separately , and each one reads completely differently . For example , Episode 14 parodies all of the great authors of the English language , going from Chaucer to Dickens , and Episode 18 is a lengthy monologue of about 10 , 000 words that comprises two giant run - on sentences . Every Episode reads like a completely different book , and therein lies the beauty of Ulysses . Since each episode has a different style , knowing what to appreciate beforehand can help . As such , here is a list of all of the episodes and their brand of comedy . # * Episode 1 : Normal novel . Episode 10 : This chapter has nothing to do with the main characters . It is instead presented as a bunch of short stories surrounding the side characters . The humor comes in the fact that it is largely pointless and that most of the side characters make fun of the main characters . Simona Mastrapasqua scrive : maggio 4 , 2014 alle 4 : 00 pm I still have thousand doubts that torment me . Have I done well ? And if it was the occasion of my life ? If I could be happy with him ? He loves me and I love him … Maybe . No , no , no it 's the right thing . First of all family . They brought me up , they made me become who I am and it 's right that I reciprocate . I can 't hate my family and so I will take care of them . My two brothers need my support . You can 't choose your family but we must thank God of having one . Here , I 'm . My brothers play and . . my father ? Oh God , here he comes ! I can 't believe that he is in my room and is spying my things . Maybe he already missed me . Oh dad , I 'm here , we will overcome all difficult together . I won 't abandon you . Mum , I do all this for you . I love you so much . I have just returned from the pier and I saw the only man who respected me leaving without me . But I could not go away , now I 'm trapped in my life as my mother was and since she made me swear , I can 't leave my father and brothers . He isn 't always so bad . At the same time now I know I will never leave this place anymore , I will never be free and I 'll always be scared of new things . I don 't want people to talk about me and the name of my family eloping with a sailor that never promised me anything for sure , but only the idea of a future far from here in which he probably would love me . And yet I can 't feel relieved , a sense of anxiety stops me and I would like to cry and scream , I have been foolish to decide to remain in this difficult life . But what should I do ? A promise is a promise and I have to respect the last wish of my mother , for the sake of my family I will stay . She left me ! I can 't think about her stupidity . Why she returns to her family , to her father , to her cross ? I offered her a life without problems , difficulties . She 's gone . How can I continue my life without her ? She left me for her promise , and I understand the reason , but she hurt me . All my world and the life that I built with her fell down in a few seconds . I 'm so depressed , but I must go on and follow my dreams in Buenos Aires . At this time I 'm lonely and I 'm lost in my mind and in Eveline 's contemplation . now I am at home . And I feel safe . I managed to escape from the devil today . Frank wanted to bring me with him fare away from home . Home . What it is home ? No , I know what it is . The fact is that I cannot find the words to explain it now . Or I will never find them . Father was really angry and drunk when I came home . He was hungry and I had left him with no food . Poor him . I am so selfish sometimes . Or maybe I am selfish and I will never change . I have to change because I cannot make mistakes because of it . I cannot make mistakes and let my family dying . Oh I was so stupid ! I wanted to abandon my family and to leave starving them to death . I am the devil . I have the devil inside me . I had fallen in love with Frank because he is a devil too . He drove me to take the wrong decision . But I was strong and I leave him on that boat . Am I strong ? Starting from tomorrow I will be a wonderful person . The daughter that everyone desire . I will work for my family . I will work overtime . The house will be always clean . When my father will return home and he will have some problems with his health , I will always care for him and if he will beat me , I will stay there . I will not protect myself from him . If he beats me , he is right . I always make mistakes and this is the right punishment . Maybe Frank loves me seriously . Maybe now he is suffering . Maybe now he is crying and he is ruing his beautiful eyes . Or maybe he is consoling himself with another girl . Yes , this is the truth , or he would have run out of the boat and he would have grabbed my arm and he would have brought me with him . Now I would have been in that boat . I would be on the deck watching the sunset . I am so selfish . How can I think these things while I know that my family have no food to eat this evening ? It is better that I die . I will not hurt anyone anymore . But what if I die ? Who will bring money home ? Who will feed my family ? I am so selfish . I want always to be happy and I do not care for the others . But what is happiness ? I miss my mother . The only way that I have to be more nearer to her is our promise . Maybe when the promise will come true I will reach her and I will be happy . Again . This is my life : respect the promise . Eveline . I am alone on the deck . I am alone on the deck of the boat of my future . This must have been the boat of my future . She must have come with me . I am the man of her life . I am the reason of her happiness , she said to me . And I cannot realize that she was so happy ten minutes before and now she is there , cold as ice , at the port . Alone . I want to know why she took this decision . I hate her now . I had worked so hard to buy these tickets . I bought a house in Buenos Aires . She helped me choosing the color of the paint for the walls . I had organized everything . I had decided to marry her . And I would have had children . One day she said to me that she loves children and that she wanted to have at least two children so that can play together . She has got many brothers and sisters . And we would have got a dog too . She said that she loves dogs but that she had not enough money to feed a family and also a pet . She is lovely . She was so happy when she spoke about her past . But she has no present . I was her present . I am her present . I cannot stay here . What can I do ? She is the woman of my life . I cannot leave without her . I love her . I will love her forever . But where is she now ? She can be at home . That is not a home . That is a jail . I have a house for her . That is home . She cannot stay there forever . She is not living her life . Now I am so worried about her condition . She was so pale . She seemed a ghost . It was like that she cannot hear what I was saying . Her look was lost somewhere . And now I feel guilty . I had left her there . Maybe her father is beating her . Oh how horrible images ! She said to me that her father always beat her when he was drunk . I want to save her . I had tried to save her . But she left me here , alone on the boat . Maybe she does not love me . She has got another man . It was easier for her to leave me in this way . She did not have to speak . She had only to stay there . She took advantage of me . I gave her some money and presents . I had bought her new dresses . I had sacrificed my saving for her . I am becoming mad ! How can I think like this ? I know she loves me and I know that she is a mature person . She had always told me everything . If she had got any problems or any doubts . This is our strength : we can count on each other . But why she did not tell me anything ? I had understood that something was wrong . She was not smiling when we got on the boat . I cannot understand because the days before she was so convinced of her choice . I want to go away from this stupid boat . There is no reason that I am here and she is there . As far as I will arrive in Buenos Aires I will buy another ticket to come back Dublin and I will understand everything , I hope . And I will save her , definitely . Frank . this horrible day had told me who I really am and what is my destiny . I really wanted to change everything , but life has disappointed me , another time . Just when I was near to escape from my father , just when I was thinking about my happy future , married with Frank , passed through my mind the words mum said before die . I promised , unfortunately . I regret it , but I did . I promise to take care of dad and Harry , help with housework and food after mum 's death . But how could I say no to my mother will ? Put yourself in my shoes , I must be more selfish and tell her that they could take care of themselves without any sort of help , neither mine , nor any other woman . However , I promised . I feel terrible . When I came back home , I saw an engaged young couple and in that particular moment , I collapsed into tears . I was thinking only about that poor man , alone with his question and his anger . I remember every moment I passed with him ; how is possible that I left him and our future life in Buenos Aires , how ? If only I could go back , I wouldn 't promised anything , why should I be imprisoned in this humdrum and I am not free to live my life , as all the other nineteen - year - old girls in the world did ? So many questions , so many doubts . I feel like a caged animal and I am not able to live this life . Maybe in the next day I will write a letter to my beloved Frank . He will not understand my behaviour , even if I hope the opposite . I comprehend his disappointment , we were both excited at the idea of a new life , new country , new people . But I can 't leave dad and Harry , I loved them , even if sometimes I am angry with them . Sorry Frank , this is my life and the fate gives me this . If I could choose freely , I would have gone with you on that both wonderful and damn ship . The street organ was the straw that broke the camel 's back , unfortunately . Sorry Frank , sorry mum . anger and disappointment comes over me , they are canceling all the good time we spent together . What was wrong ? Why she left me , at the iron railing , after that we had planned our future in Buenos Aires ? I am worthless , I am not able to give a reason , I am going crazy . I know that Eveline was a girl , with upright principles and very attached to the family . But I have never thought so much . I feel forsaken only thinking about my future life in Buenos Aires , without her . Now I 'm in my room but my soul and my heart are still in Dublin . I really love her and maybe , she could restart her life with me , without thinking only to her father , which was most time drunk . I said her to stop , with him , even if he is her dad , she was treated bad lots of time , he beated her repeatedly . But the thing that still bothers me is the fact that his dad will continue to drink , to beat her . She will not react , she had the opportunity with me to do that , but she surrended to life and to the role that she had in her family . I don 't know if I want now to see her another time , because she disappoint me ; now I am angry with her and maybe I would say something that I don 't think really . However now , before dinner , I vented . In fact I cried a lot , I was desperate , and I am still now desperate ; but now I 'm thinking to the future in Argentina , even if the wound is still aking and it hurts a lot . This is a yet another disappointment about love , I hoped that this time was the right moment to think about the marriage , but evidently , I was wrong . Luckily here with me , there was a friend of mine , that I met in Dublin and that was going in Argentina because of work . He help me a lot , he understood my situation and he tried to console me . We spoke together for three hours and that help me . I shall thank Eveline for what we passed together in Dublin and I really hope that she explains her reason in a letter , I will appreciate it . I hope even that she will change her ideas and that she decides to come with me in Buonos Aires . But now I must think about my future , abot my work ; than , if something new with her happens , I will be the happiest person in the world and you are going to know it first . I am stupid , no point denying it ! I let my only chance at happiness slip away . I could have had everything and instead I chose my ungrateful father . I have already wasted nineteen years of my life on him , and for what ? A promise made to the person I wished I would never become . As I walked home all these thoughts filled my head but if I could have gone back I would have done it all over again . I just could not bring myself to leave my father and my brothers . All things considered I still dreaded going home though . I was unwilling to let go of my unhappy life but at the same time I could not bring myself to return to it . I was in a bit of a pickle some people might say ! Maybe I did not have to return right away . I had only been gone a few hours . They could do without me for a little while . Besides I needed time to think . So I wandered through town … Just walking and thinking over the opportunity I had thrown away . It was getting dark though and they would be waiting for supper … I started walking home … Thinking things through had not helped at all ! Oh well … I was almost to the front door , no point postponing the inevitable . I gathered all the courage and the strength I had left and I walked in to the alcohol - smelling house . Everything was how I had left it . Sadness suddenly overwhelmed me . I almost fell to the ground because I felt so grief - stricken thinking of what I had given up but suddenly my father bust through the door and started shouting at me , asking me where I had been . I though he was going to hit me as he sometimes did when he was in these mood … What happened next surprised him more than me . . He took me into his arm and whispered into my ear that he had been worried out of his mind and that he was so worried I had left . He said he wouldn 't know what to do without me and that he was so sorry for pushing me away and that he would try to get better just as long as I would leave . In that moment I didn 't know if to believe him or not but this was better than nothing . Maybe what he need to get better was to know that I might not always be there . He needed to know he could not take me for granted . I still could not wrap my head around what had just happened ! How did I end up on this transatlantic to Buenos Aires on my own ? How could Eveline just leave me there ? We had so many plans together … We were going to build a family . How do you just give up on that ? I knew she did not really love me in the beginning but I though her feelings were true now . I guess not . Life goes on though . Just on this ship there are many beautiful women and I 'm sure they can appreciate what Eveline just threw away . She was not anything special anyways … Just the daughter of a drunkard for which I felt pity . Such a short time has passed since those terrible minutes when I was not able to act anymore . Frank , poor man , how he must be suffering on that boat which scared me so much and seemed to me to be the symbol of death … How could I spend so much time caring about him , a boy who wanted me to leave home , my pious life , my dignity . If I had followed him , how many rumours would have risen in a few hours about me and my easy behaviour ! Still , some doubts are assalting me now and then , but they are all evil , I must ignore them . They are all voices of devil , trying to punish me for not having listened to him . Alas , God 's punishment would have been much worse , much more painful . I am still longing for that happiness I own the right to have . But gaining it that way would have been a crime and perhaps I would never have been happy . Do I really know Frank ? How can I be sure he was really in love with me ? People are not worthy being trusted : my father was good once , but then he grew worse . It would have been the same with Frank , too … I know my usual hard life is going to make me sweat and sigh as it did before this sad day , but I cannot give up all at once as Frank wanted me to . I must forget him , wait for another fellow and for a more legal and ethical chance . Nobody has ever allowed me to act secretly and I cannot decide for myself . What the hell made her give up , this evening , how could she possibly leave me like that ? What illness suddenly hit her and made her looke like a living dead who could neither see me nor hear me desperately crying , imploring her to come ? I wanted her to be happy , to escape from that non - life of daughter and sister , and humiliated worker . I am the only one in this town who loves her and cares for her and what did she do ? She just stayed still , she must have heard a voice , perhaps her own consciousness , telling her not to follow me . How could she trust that invisible voice , be it god or whoever , and not mine , the voice of the man who just wishes to hold her tight and to protect her ? Do I have to go back to Dublin and speak to her ? Perhaps I should meet her father , convince him to let her live her own life . But he already hates me anyway , it would not help . Is it really worthwhile to keep on thinking of that helpless and passive animal that was not a woman anymore ? Had I not better reach Buenos Aires and forget her forever ? I feel myself going to pieces just thinking of that possibility … But I hope night will help me make a wise decision . My dear diary , I 'm here , in front of you because I have nothing to do … I feel like a boat in a wood . I don 't know what to do . . I cry , I 'm sad … no , no , wait … I made a big mistake : I feel nothing ! Poor me , even a dead leaf is more alive than me . Sorry . . what have I just said ? … Frank , Frank , he loves me , and I haven 't found the strength to leave my father . Why ? My little diary answer me , please . . I have just made the biggest mistake of my entire life ! I left Frank while the ship was leaving without saying any world . Oh poor Frank ! I just acted like a bitch and he didn 't deserve all this . Fuck myself . But what could I do ? My choice has been the least painfull for everyone : Frank is a good boy : nice , kind openhearted and so sweet . He absolutely will find someone else that will be a great wife in Buenos Aires , greater than me . My father can 't stay alone , he needs my help and my services . In his conditions he can 't do all the things by himself and I am the only person close to him . I had also made a promise to my dead mother : I would have never left my father , and that 's what I am gonna do till he will tell me I am free . To everybody this has been at least the best choice , but maybe not for me . Maybe it 's just my destiny being with a alcoholic , a violent and strict father , who sometimes can be really nice to me . Maybe this is not so bad in the end . Eveline is the biggest bitch I have ever met ! Guess what ? she left me while the ship was leaving without saying anything . Not even sorry ! Eveline , are you kidding me ? ! During my stay in Dublin I did everything to make her happy and escape from that evil father . Such a bastard he is . He stole her money to buy spirits and than he went mad if she if she hadn 't had money to buy food . When I met her I immediately fell in love because of her personality : a very nice , gentle and sweet girl . I tried to do everything to make things work , I even accepted to live our relationship secretly because she was afraid of the reaction of her father . She seemed to be happy with me and even convinced to live her life in Dublin to become my wife in Buenos Aires but in the end she went back home . Nice trick Eveline ! Maybe today I made the biggest mistake of my life ! Today my body decided to block in front of the ship , while we were leaving for Buenos Aires . I and he , I and Frank , the nicest person in the world , he could be my savior , he could carry me away from here . Why happened it ? Is it maybe my destiny to stay here , to take care of my family , my drunker father and my brother ? But after all it was her last desire before Death , can I not respect it ? Yes , I cannot think only about myself , I have to think about my family ! As she asked me . I thought that Frank will understand , even if I did not give him any explanation . He is an intelligent man , he has to understand . I don 't know if I will never free myself from this jail , but I hope that Frank forgives me , because my feelings were real and all things that i told him were sincere . I loved him , and I still love him . Today happened a terrible thing ! Why ? She left me alone ! Eveline didn 't go aboard and I cannot understand why ! Maybe she understood that she does not love me enough ? And all the beautiful words that she said me ? No , I do not believe in this ! She is trapped in that house , her family trap her ! I was almost managed to pull her out from there , with my love . I love her , I dreamed a life with her , a beautiful life , far away from her family . I could give her a beautiful life ! But she made her choice and I could not even talk to her , because her hands clutched the iron in frenzy and the crowd took me inside . I tried to call her but her eyes were lost , she looked in space and se did not listen me . I had to let her go , I could not force her to come with me ! I hope that one day she will understand the big mistake that she has made , and how much I loved her . When I was little , maybe two or three , my mommy used to sing this song when I was crying desperately for something . That melody seemed to reassure me after a tumble or to give me the so expected nurturance . From that moment I always associated in my mind that song with my profound sorrows . Frank was waiting for me on board , in his eyes I could see his deep love , his delight in leaving this country with me seeking a new life together . I was too weary . I was emotionless . I was frozen in my jail . The jail of loneliness . I am in my guardhouse while all the rest of the world is running by . I am fixed while all the people are making the Ring a Ring - o ' Roses around me . It seems like someone is forcing me to show to the others cards , that I would have never showed instead . Nobody is asking me openly to share my thoughts and my pains , to make a choice , to decide once for me and not for the good of the others . Maybe I am condemn to carry for all my life the consequences of my promise . That promise that will bring me to the downfall . I had left the only person who made me see life with colourful glasses , full of fragrances and sponginess . Now I feel myself in a dark room and all my body is stinged by unknow tips . I couldn 't take a leap into the unknow and now I am groping in the dark . I cannot explain myself why Eveline chose not to come on board with me ; I thought she was happy to move on , leaving her worn out life in Dublin and beginning a new sparkling life in Buenos Aires . I was wrong . She was not as strong as I thought she was . Only a fearful cick , that was prompted to leave his nest and that tried with all its energy not to be plunged in the almost unheard world . She seems to me as weak as a leaf that has only a microscopic part of its stem still linked to the tree and is trying to hang on it , unless the wind is trying to bring it away forever , breaking the only connection with the roots . I am heading to Buenos Aires now and I am still wondering if I have done enough for her , if my presence for her was meaningful , if she really needed me as she always whispered at my ears . Now it is time for me to get back in the driver 's seat of my life for myself only . It is time to take off in flight , without her . I know that there are advantages and disadvantages in living my preset condition . Her in Dublin I have got a house , my family and my job . You are right ; I have to work hard both at home and in the shop . Maybe Miss Gauen , the shopkeeper would be glad if I leave the job because she can 't stand me . She is always rude to me . But on the other hand in Australia I would be married and free . People would treat me with respect and Frank wouldn 't treat me as my father had treated my mother . What shall I do ? Can you give me some advice ? At the moment I am not sure of leaving my home . Is frank the right person for me ? Would I really be happy with him ? Dear diary , I am so miserable ! I have been sailing for ten days and I haven 't understood yet why she didn 't come . She only said ' NO ' . And her face was white , passive ; she looked like a helpless animal . There was no sign of love in her eyes . I didn 't realise what she was like . I was sure that she was eager to leave her violent father , her tiring job and her life with no sense but above all I believed , she was in love with me . I was wrong . But she had to tell me her decision before . We could have broken up our relationship as good friends . Now I have no idea of her reasons . Shall I fall in love again ? Shall I trust in other woman ? We could be together now , in the room of that liner , holding our hands , thinking of our future together . But now I am here , in my house , leaned against the window curtains . Oh , this smell of dusty cretonne ! I did it for my mother . I did it for him , even if he doesn 't always treat me like a father should . So why am I feeling so bad ? I was happy before I met you ! You stole my heart and before I could figure it out you 've stepped on it . I can 't hate you because I still love you too much . Maybe you realised that you did not really love me and you didn 't want to come with me . That 's impossible ! The day before you were so convinced ! What happened ? You would have forgotten your family and would have gone forward , trying to create a life of your own . Just move on . No obligations , no restrictions . I 'm sitting near the window , the same from which I could see , when my mother died , that italian with his annoying music ; the same where some daisys grow up from nowhere a lot of time ago . Now there are not daysis anymore , not one but the least . Its petals are falling down , I see them behind this dusty glass . It has been a week since the last time I hoovered ; there were my brothers ' jackets on the empty bed , but they left for the last time some hours ago , after my father 's funeral . They 're falling down , too , they are leaving this old house to be carried on by the wind , as petals which are going to set up a new daisy somewhere else . Here I am , alone . The italian with his music - he was down here while my father was slipping away , and I had to pay him to make him go away - neither he is here , with me . My mum first , then my father and my brothers - they are all gone . Should I leave , too ? Should I go to the see ? Maybe Frank is still there . It was only yesterday that his ship left , wasn 't it ? This is what it seems to me , but the timetable says that twenty years have passed . For me , it was just one night ; I woke up this morning and I felt like a dead coming back to life . Life ; anything remains to me , anything but a promise I made , which now has no more sense , as leaving now is a non - sense ; the house is empty , the daisy 's dying , I should have left then . Or not ? Life is a chain ; if something breaks it , you can repare it with another piece of iron and sail again for another island . This is what I did . I don 't know why Eveline didn 't grasp my hand that day ; when a chain gets broken it 's hard to know how it happened , and it 's more important repairing it , so the ship won 't run aground . So I found another Eveline and I repaired my broken heart . It 's just a matter of know - how to go on . I have my life now - a wife , some children - I didn 't shipwrecked because of a broken chain , but I still wonder why and how did it get faulty . I 'm afraid I will not know , and lucky enough there is always another island to head to and lot of iron on Earth , so I 'll have always my chains in order and something to do to fill my time . today I did not sail , something has stopped me . Frank was gorgeous and kind . Why do not I choose him ? Should I choose him ? I do not know . . My father now is a drunker . How can I help him ? Should I help him ? Can I ruin my life in order to help him ? This is what I promised . . Is it legal , illegal , moral or immoral ? I do not know . I am to young to understand , I am only nineteen . At my age , there are certain things that are difficult to grasp . Doubtless you understand if you love a person , or not . And I loved Frank . But you know my dear Diary , that when you are young , you are capable of doing anything . I remembered a time when I quarrel with my father because I wanted to go out with a friend of mine , but he did not let me go . So I let myself down the window and I escaped from the " reality " for a pleasure half an hour . The room is very confortable . In the middle there is a double bed , next to the bed there are two chests of drawers . Every single thing is made for two . I tried to change the confirmation in order to have a single room , but the single were already occupied . She never told me about her family conditions . She loved to go to the theatre to spend some time in serenity with me . This was all for her . Now I have a life which attends me , a new reality . I will buy a new house with the doubloons I earned in the last shipping . I want a big house with four large rooms , two baths , a kitchen and a romantic terrace overlooking the ocean . I will give a lot of parties with my new friends and doing so I will surely find a girl who knows how to appreciate me as I am . It 's ten in the evening and I 'm still here at the quay . I 'm left alone . Complete silence reigns . The shades of the evening are slowly coming . Writing becomes more and more difficult but something inside me tells me that I have to write . It 's a pressing need . I must give a voice to my own feelings . A grief is unbearable when it is wordless . Now I think that I 'm ready to remember , ready to bear the burden of memory . Loads of memories crowd in my head . I 'm in the memories ' lake and I fear I might drawn . I remember the time we first met , Frank . At first you didn 't even notice me . You were so busy talking with those men . Then for some reasons I won 't ever know , you turned your head right in my direction . Our first glance has been magical . A sudden earthquake shook my soul . My cheeks turned red . A voice echoed in my head : you were that man with whom I should have shared my life . Another memory knocks on my mind 's door . It is about that time in which you brought me to the beach . It was a Sunday afternoon . The sun shone in the sky . We spent the whole afternoon sitting on a rock telling each other about funny anecdotes from our past . At sunset we took off our shoes and refreshed our feet in the sea 's water . At a certain point I couldn 't see you anymore . After a few moments of panic I felt a warm breath on my neck . Then a tender kiss . It 's so hard to look back at these wonderful memories , mostly because I do it with the awareness that every moment we 've spent together , dear Frank , is never gonna come back . We should have spent together the rest of our lives . We should have gone on board that night - boat that was supposed to take us to Buenos Aires . We should have got married . I was supposed to become your wife but I will forever be my family 's chaste wife . Oh mother , how heavy lies your last wish on me ! You have given life to me but with your last words you 've got that life back . I 'm here on this boat . All the people around me are sleeping . Even that man over there . He looks like a seventy - year old man : he 's quite old ! Though he never closed his eyes during the past twelve hours we 've spent on this boat . Now he 's collapsed . Me , I cannot sleep . My eyes are tired but the eyes of my soul are not . They are not tired of looking at the memories we 've shared together , Eveline . Oh Eveline , you 've been my first and only love and though I 'm only twenty I think I won 't ever love any other woman the way I loved you . You 've enlightened my life . You 've eliminated monotony from my existence and you 've made every day worth living . In these last months so many projects were filling my mind . Now it 's so hard to admit that those projects are just past dreams . A new life is waiting for me there , in Buenos Aires but unfortunately it 's waiting for me only . Still I must confess that my actual position is better than yours . By choosing to remain with your family , you 've signed your own death warrant . Oh Eveline , I cannot bear the idea that you , fragile and sensitive creature , you are going to suffer . It has been my fault ! I am a foolish ! I should have held you tight to me ! I shouldn 't have let the crowd separate us ! I should have saved your life ! Oh God ! I 'm not sure if I did the right thing ! I had the possibility to go with a man who loves me , with a man who would have taken care of me , and what I did ? I stay here , with a man who beats me , who is very violent and abuses of me every day : I don 't know if I can call him " dad " , because a father is a person who loves you and not a man who hate you ! I decide to stay here in my monotous life , in my hummdrum life , when I had the oppurtinity to change my routine , my life ! But I remember of that day , when I read her letter : of my mother , maybe the only person in my family who loved me and who I love . In the letter she asked me to keep the family unite as long as possible ! I made only for her , because I love her , and I want to fulfill her wishes , and try to do what she asks me ! Yes , before I decided to leave , because I had thought of my monotous and sad life and my mother 's one : I wanted to escape from it ! But then that damn letter changed my mind : the love for my mother was much more than the love for Frank ! Than I had fear ! Fear for the future : for the uncertainty and unknowledge of future ! This fear made me take a step back ! Sorry Frank ! I hope that you understand my choices , my problems , and if I know you well , I am sure you will understand : you are the most pretty , understandable and sweet person I ever met ! I will love you forever ! Why my lovely Eveline ? Why you make me suffer ? I still not understand what brought you to decide not to leave with me ! My love for you was bigger than the love I have for my mother , I would have made everything for making you happy ! But , maybe , you didn 't love me ? ! I 'm sorry Eveline but I continue not to understand why you decide to return in this life that make you suffer , that didn ' n make you happy , as I would have made ! If you want to escape from this life you can : you must only come with me in Buenos Aires ! A new city for a new page of your life ! |
Since camp ended we 've had nothing but gorgeous days . . . . sunny , warm . . . perfect . Go Figure ! Not that I 'm complaining about nice weather , but a few more days of sunnyness during camp season would have been nice . Anyway , today was another of those gorgeous days . Hubby and I didn 't do much of anything on Saturday so we decided we needed to get out today . There was a Folk Festival in Nashua , right up the road , so we decided to go . We called daughter Jamie to tell her we 'd be right down the street from her - would she like to come with us to the folk festival ? Not her cup of tea , but she said call her after and maybe we could go visit . So we went to Greeley Park in Nashua . It was a really nice venue . A grassy hill facing a big stage that looked like it was designed for concerts . The place was huge with lots of ball fields , etc . We found a spot on the grass and sat back to listen to the " folk music " . The first band was named the Rockin ' Road Dogs . hmmmmm . . . not exactly folk music . They were more blues / rock than I liked . We listened for a while then took a walk around the park , then called Jamie and took her to Panera Bread for an early supper . Hubby offered ice cream but we were too full . We went back to her place and had a nice visit . At 6pm , we went back to Greeley Park because there was an artist we wanted to hear . . . . or actually to see . His name was Brian Bergeron , and it just so happens there 's a guy in our building named Brian Bergeron and he 's a musician . We were extremely curious to know if this Brian was the same Brian . Turns out it wasn 't . We spent some more time exploring the park , then went back to hear the last musician . I thought he was the best of the bunch , but we left about halfway through his set . On the ride home I got a text message from Jamie . " Is it time for ice cream yet ? " We were about halfway home but Hubby did an instant U - turn when he heard the word ice cream and went back and picked Jamie up to go to DQ . We sat at the picnic table outside and shivered while we ate and had a grand time telling stories about our respective camps . We 're home now at 9 : 30pm . A long day but so wonderful to be outside , hear some music , visit with my daughter and eat both a yummy supper and some delicious ice cream . Hubby wants about a month of these days . . . . . . . and so do I . Last night we got the call . I hear Hubby answer and say " oh , your car broke ? " . . . . . . " OH , your WATER broke ! " He was talking to his daughter Wendy , who 's due date is September 15 . She explained that she 'd called the doctor and he said to wait for contractions and then come in . Hubby got off the phone and we started talking about how Noah Frank 's birthday would be August 30 , he 'd be a Virgo . He 'd be the same birth month as our grand - daughter Emily so my " Grandma Ring " would have two stones of the same color . How convenient was this going to be . . . . . we 'd have the long weekend to go visit at the hospital and probably be there when Noah Frank came home . At 10pm Hubby called and Wendy said they had just arrived at the hospital . She thought she might be having contractions but wasn 't sure . Somehow , Hubby and I slept . When his phone beeped at 8 this morning with a text message , we were both so excited we couldn 't read what it said . The first words . . . . . false alarm ! Apparently Noah kicked her bladder . . . . . . . . . . . She was sent home around 2am . I guess it 's good practice for her to stay up all night . . . . she 's going to have to get used to that . Another week or two of waiting I guess . sighhhhhh The past three days have been pretty quiet . I guess you could say it 's been an extension of my vacation . School started today in Salem , but of course I knew that wouldn 't mean I 'd be working right away . No one is going to take a day off on the first day of school ! I figure it 'll be at least next week before I work . This year they started a new sub - calling system . In the past it 's been one woman who takes in all the calls from teachers and then calls in all the subs . A massive undertaking . This year they are using a company that puts a lot of the responsibility onto the subs . The teachers go onto the website and put in their absence , then the subs go on the web site to see which assignments are available . . . . . first come first serve . It 's going to be great for the subs because we can be pro - active . . . . . but I don 't see how it 's really going to work for the teachers because I 'm sure there will be some teachers and programs that will never get a sub . It 'll be interesting to see how it goes as the school year progresses . Monday was a beach day . We had planned it ahead so naturally when we got up the weather was pretty iffy and the weather report said possible thundershowers . But that didn 't stop us ! We had two car - loads . . . . . me , my mom , my sister , her two daughters and her son and his friend . We got to the beach and had no sooner paid the parking fee and grabbed all our stuff and started walking than it started to rain ! It rained for exactly three minutes and that was it for the whole day ! The sun came out in the afternoon and we had a wonderful time . Tuesday I babysat all day . It was a teacher day for my DIL , so I got there 7am and stayed until about 2 : 30 . Of course my grand - daughter was wonderful . We had such fun playing with her toys , then after her nap I took her outside . We both loved it . It 's probably going to be like this for the rest of the week . You 'd think I 'd be enjoying the time off , but I get restless . I want to DO something . I just don 't know what ! I finished building my Hubby 's new armoire . We bought it at Wally - world and it came in a very , very heavy box . I put it together myself just because my Hubby didn 't think I could do it ! ! Hubby was resistent about getting a new armoire because he thought it was okay that his bureau looked like this : Yes , that is an old bureau and all the drawer fronts broke off . Hubby took the drawer fronts and made them into shelves . Nice . . . . for a guy . Personally . . . . . . not so nice . The instructions were all in pictures . . . . . I guess for idiots . . . . . but I thought it would have been more helpful if there were a few words giving some directions . Let me assure you . . . . it wasn 't as much fun as this picture makes it look : The finished product : It looks much nicer now : AND . . . . BONUS ! ! I got Hubby to throw a few things away ! ! It took me 3 hours and 20 minutes to put it together . I looked on the directions to see if it would say how long it was supposed to take but it didn 't say . I 'm thinking a little over 3 hours ain 't that bad ! Yes , I actually wrote on our calendar - " Day of Rest " - for today . Our three day vacation was fun but very busy , and the beginning of our weekend was just the same , so we need our day of rest now . 10 : 30 and Hubby is still sleeping , despite my attempts to get him up , so I figured I could catch up on computer stuff . Friday night we went to brother John 's house for a cookout and a visit . Always a fun time . John is the best cook ever . . . . his chicken and steak tips off the grill were five - star restaurant quality . Usually we watch a movie or a football game or something together , but this time we mostly sat and talked , watched one episode of a TV show they wanted us to see , and some Olympics . It was a very enjoyable time . Saturday was a two - fer . We were invited to the house of a guy Hubby works with - Don - to have a meal and for Tag to play guitar so Don could sing . They ended out inviting half their family as well , so it was a little weird but we ate and had some songs and everyone seemed happy . Saturday night we had planned to go dancing with our favorite group , The Classmates . They play 60 's and 70s music . We had a great time dancing and singing . So today is a rest day . I bought Hubby a new armoire from Wally - world . He chuckled when I said I could assemble it myself , so now I will prove to him I can do it . ( If he ever gets out of bed . ) Besides that it 'll be reading the paper , puttering . . . . maybe some cross - stitch . . . . and watching the closing of the Olympics tonight . Question : We watched the Opening Ceremonies on Friday night , right ? Which means it was their Saturday morning . So I understand we were watching it on tape . However , it was night - time there during the ceremony , which means they must have done the ceremony in Bejing on Thursday night . So was it still 8 - 8 - 08 for THEM ? huh ? ? ? Help ! Phew ! Yesterday was our last day of vacation and we had a blast . We drove up to York 's " Wild Kingdom " in York , Maine . I haven 't been there in about 15 years , Hubby 's not sure if he 's ever been there . They have two parts of the park - the zoo and the rides . Luckily , you can pay for just one or the other so we opted for just the zoo . We got there about 12 : 30 and had to park - no exaggeration - a mile from the entrance . We were stunned at how many people were there and couldn 't believe they 'd make us park so far away . Once we got inside we were fine - it didnt ' seem overly crowded . The zoo was nice - they had a lot of animals , although I was surprised they didn 't have any of the big animals like giraffes , hippos or rhinos . The only elephant they had was the one you could ride . They did have a really nice pond where you could ride paddle boats . The pond was filled with ducks of all kinds . They had a nice petting zoo . My favorite was the baby goats . I wanted to stick this one in Hubby 's backpack and take him home . Part of the zoo was a new Butterfly exhibit . You could walk inside and the butterflies were flying around you . Hubby took some pretty nice photos . We had a good time at the zoo and left there around 5 : 30 . We drove a short ways to York beach and walked all up and down the beach . It was low tide , but we didn 't find any shells ! We took off our shoes and walked in the surf , but the water was mighty cold ! After our walk we went to find some good seafood . DIL Kara just happened to call on my cell phone , and her family vacations a lot in that area , so I asked her for a recommendation . She said her aunt and uncle 's favorite place is Billy 's Clam House . It took us a bit to find it , but once we did , we were very thankful because it was delicious ! We shared a bowl of clam chowder ( chowdah ) and a plate of haddock and scallops . mmmmmmmm ! ! When we came outside , the sun was setting . We got home about 10pm . Now we have to rest to recover from our vacation ! But it was a wonderful three days and we had a good time together . I love spending time with my Hubby ! We left the house at 9 : 30 am . I convinced Hubby to drive right into the city instead of taking the train . The train would have cost us $ 30 round trip . The parking garage that is attached to the Museum is $ 17 . 50 . It was an easy drive in , and the museum is right off the highway . Our library has Museum passes , so we paid $ 5 apiece to get in instead of $ 19 each . The baseball exhibit was amazing . It took us almost two hours to go through it . They had everything . . . . old equipment , programs , all kinds of memorabilia , photos , etc . They also had the scientific explanations for why the equipment has changed over the years and how the athletes have worked to become so much better . They had fun stuff like putting your face in a catcher 's mask to see how the catcher sees a pitch coming and throwing a ball at a pitching machine to see how fast your fastball is . ( Mine isn 't fast at all ! ) After the baseball exhibit we went through most of the rest of the museum . The place is so huge , and gives you so much information you could stay there for days . And that doesn 't even count the fact that they have the Omni theater and the Planetarium for additional fees . The whole place reminds me of Boston itself . The strange thing about Boston is that the old and new are side by side . There 'll be a modern skyscraper a few feet away from a building built in the 1700 's . The museum is the same . There are exhibits there that are the same since I brought my kids there 20 years ago . And of course they have lots of new stuff . My favorite thing besides the baseball exhibit is the whole section showing how a baby grows inside its mother . This exhibit has been there forever and is exactly the same . But I love it . After the Museum we took the T to Quincy Marketplace . We ended out having dinner at a place called the Purple Shamrock . I had a fisherman 's platter and Hubby had a salad with steak tips . Both were delicious . We walked over to the waterfront near the Aquarium where they now have Christopher Columbus Park and we happened to stumble upon a concert being given . We stayed to listen for a bit . It might be hard to see that there is an orchestra in the middle of that mess , and the boats in the background are on Boston Harbor . Then we walked back through Quincy Marketplace , down to the Boston Common and into the Public Garden . Everthing was so pretty . Walking through the Common we went past the famous Frog Pond . You can see why it 's named that : In the summer the kids can go wading in it and in the winter it 's used as a skating rink . We took the T back to the museum to get our car and got home around 8pm . We 're tired but we had a great time . Today was the first day of our " mini - vacation " or our " stay - cation " as the media is calling it . Supposedly people are staying close to home this year because of gas prices so they 've come up with this idiotic name for it . Somehow our " staycation " cost us a half tank of gas already ! Anyway , we went up to Enfield , NH to the Shaker Village . It 's something Hubby has been wanting to do for a while . The drive was about 1 1 / 2 hours - straight highway . The weather was absolutely gorgeous ( for once ! ) . The " village " was only a couple of houses for us to look at . . . . not at all like Sturbridge Village . The main building was this enormous house the Shakers had built that housed a lot of people . They were kind of like a commune . . . . all lived and worked together and produced everything for the benefit of the whole community . The most bizarre thing I found out about them was that they were completely celibate ! They believed everything they did should not be " of the world " but only for God . They kept the community going by taking in converts and also by adopting orphans ! Needless to say , they 've died out now . . . . . last we heard there were only two old ladies left somewhere in NH . Right beside the Shaker building was a beautiful church built by the Nuns of the Order of LaSallette , who bought the property after the Shakers died out . Pretty weird to see the two buildings side by side . . . . . and connected to each other in the back ! Inside the chapel were some gorgeous mosaics . This one is of the Last Supper . I 'd like to do a mosaic on our coffee table someday . After seeing the village , Hubby really wanted to take us canoeing , but we could not find a place that rented canoes . The lake the Shaker Village was on was huge . . . . you would have thought there 'd be a place to rent them . We did stop at a campground that had on their website that they let the campers use the canoes , but they couldn 't seem to find the guy who could open the office to let us rent a canoe , so we left . We stopped at another place that advertised Maple Syrup , just to ask if the person knew where we could rent . He was very much the old - fashioned New Englander who stopped his work to chat with us and was all ready to offer us his nephew 's canoe . We ended out leaving and going to a State Park so we could at least have a swim . We went to Wadleigh State Park . It was very pretty , Kezor Lake nestled into the mountains . We stayed there and swam , read and ate our picnic lunch . On the way home we stopped at Winslow State Park just to see what it was like . You drove halfway up the side of Mount Kearsage . It was very pretty up there . . . . they had picnic tables and fireplaces for a picnic . It 'd be a great place for our family outing ! We could have hiked all the way to the top and climbed the fire tower . . . . . but we didn 't . The view from the top was spectacular . Yesterday was the last day of camp . Unbelievable . It was a fast eight weeks , as it always is . This year wasn 't as great as it 's been in the past , mostly due to the weather . But the last day is always the hardest . It 's a long day of packing up . The Art Room was packed in about two dozen milk crates - and two or three huge garbage bags full of stuff for the dumpster . Then all the milk crates have to be transported over to the boat room for winter storage . If they stay in the Art room , we get visits by little critters who chew everything up . The floor needs to be swept one last time and the wooden covers put over the windows . After the kids left , the rest of the staff got together to pull in the docks . They are huge , metal and weigh about a ton apiece . There are about 10 or 12 sections , plus the two wooden floating docks . I can 't help with the docks . . . . . they are just too heavy . ( I 'm not referred to as " old lady vennard " at camp for nothing . ) So I went into the office and helped the assistant director pack up all her stuff . Then everyone , including myself , carried in the 20 or so picnic tables and put them in the recreation building . The picnic tables did me in . My back is killing me . But the long , lovely back rub I got from Hubby last night made it all worthwhile . Today we went to a place in Lawrence called " Got a Book " . All the books are donated , sold to the public for a $ 1 , and half the proceeds go to charity . Books for a Buck ? We couldn 't resist . The place was pretty big . There were tables of children 's books , some shelves for books for kids 8 - 14 years old , and the rest of the books were totally unorganized ! So there were paperback novels , how - to books , fiction , non - fiction , even textbooks all up on the shelves in willy - nilly order . It could take you days to peruse all the shelves . There were also record albums ( remember those ? ) which are Hubby 's downfall , so we bought 6 of those and three books . From there we went to Thwaite 's Market . This is a very unassuming little corner convenience store that 's been there for years . Their claim to fame is their meat market . They have the most scrumptious meat pies and - something that I 've been unable to get at the grocery store for many years - tomato sausage . Tonight for dinner we 'll have tomato sausage , home fries and applesauce . . . . mmmmmmm . This is one of the places I 've been promising to take Hubby since he moved up here . This afternoon we babysat . We hadnt ' seen Emily in two weeks because they were on vacation so it was a pleasure to have her for the afternoon . Doug suggested we take her to Griffin Park , which is up the street in Windham . We took her out and had a blast . She loved playing in the grass , although every time we put her down , she headed for the pavement ! There 's a little pond where she chatted with the very friendly duck . She thought it was so much fun to play in the bark mulch surrounding the trees . We took her inside the little playground where she went down the slide , sat on a bouncy animal , and went on the swing . We went over to watch the kids on the skateboard park but she thought it was more fun to play in the rocks . Then it started to thunder ( surprise ! have we had a day with no thunderstorms this summer ? ? ? ) so we got her in the car and took her to the ice cream shop in town . Thank goodness it has an indoors because by that time it was pouring out . Emily loved the raspberry sherbert Hubby was feeding her . . . . . although she made a goofy face every time ! When she 'd take a bite of my cone , she 'd lean her face in for a few seconds as if testing the level of coldness before she took a big bite ! She started squirming in her high chair so we put her down and she walked and chattered and charmed every one in the place . They all knew her name when we left ! It was the second day in a row of sunshine for us at camp . . . . . . hooray ! A perfect day for launching rockets . I started this tradition at camp when I began working there four years ago as a way to have the older kids enjoy Arts and Crafts a bit more . I order kits from a website and the children who are 7 - 8 grade build the rockets . They 're fairly simple , taking them about 2 hours to build . They decorated them this year with glitter . I banned feathers after the incident last year where one of the rockets covered in feathers caught fire . We had 100 % success . The rest of the camp sits on the beach and cheers as we launch the rockets off the docks . It 's a good time and the kids really enjoy it . . . . . and so do I ! Yesterday was a busy day for me . I got to go on a field trip with a group of kids from camp . We took 13 kids to the Salem Witch Museum . For those of you who don 't know , Salem , MA is famous for being the spot of the of Witch Trials where several young girls claimed to be possessed by witches and when they named names . . . . . . those women were thrown in jail then hung for their transgressions . The museum was okay . . . . not scary as we thought it might be . Then we went to a park beside the water and had lunch , played frisbee and went down to the beach onto the rocks and found some crabs , etc . The kids liked that part of the day the best . It was the first gorgeous , sunny day we 've had in about a hundred years , so it felt just glorious to be outside . After work I went out with my girlfriends . There were only four of us this time but we had a great visit . We went to Salvatore 's in Lawrence . The man who owns this restaurant is the same one who has Sal 's pizza . He took an old mill building and made it into a beautiful restaurant . It 's right on the river so we sat outside on the deck . It was a perfect night . . . . just the right temperature and no rain ! ! It was so relaxing to sit back and chat and eat some delicious food . Only two more days of camp ! Unbelievable . Today we 'll be launching the model rockets I made with the older group of kids . We launch them off the dock into the lake and some of the staff use kayaks to go pick them up . Some of the launches turn out to be pretty funny . Last year one of the rockets caught on fire as it went up ! We 'll see what happens this year . The camp is Jewish , and Friday night is Shabbat . . . . . their time of prayer . Most of the people at camp are not strict with themselves as far as following the Jewish customs outside of camp so it 's never been a real problem finishing off our year on the last day . This year however , one of the staff has really gotten into his Judaism and become much more conservative . This person is a central character at the camp - he 's been there for 10 years or so and is the music director . He 's the one who plays guitar at the campfire . On a Friday night now , he wouldn 't be able to play the guitar - and he wouldn 't be able to drive home or ride in a car with someone else either . The understanding I have is that on Shabbat you have to give yourself over to God and not let anything of the " world " interfere with your prayers . So - no one wanted to leave him out . It would have been the height of irony to exclude him because of his devotion to his religion when we 're a Jewish camp ! So the decision was made to move our Staff Night to last night . I have to say it wasn 't the same . There wasn 't the melancholy feeling of seeing each other for the last time before the long winter . On top of it not being our last night together , it was rainy ( of course ! ) so we didn 't actually have a campfire - we all sat inside the rec hall in a circle to sing our songs . About a quarter of the staff couldn 't make it because they hadn 't put aside that night and they had other plans . We did have a nice meal together . . . . . and the younger staff had a fierce game of handball on the beach before dinner . A couple of us " older " staff slipped out quietly for an adult beverage before dinner . Today - for the first time in what seems like months - the sun is out ! AND they weather people say it 's going to stay out ALL DAY ! Amazing ! I 'm going on a field trip with some of the kids to the Witch Museum in Salem , MA . I plan to spend some of the day at least out in the sun while it 's still around . . . . . cause I 'm sure it 'll be raining tomorrow ! For Mom 's birthday , I gave her tickets to a stage play of " The Pajama Game " . I let her invite a guest and - typically - she invited my Dad . The play was in Portsmouth at a theater called Seacoast Repertory Theater . As usual , we had a great time with my parents . They 're such good company . We chatted away on the ride up . . . . . actually . . . . Hubby , Mom and I chatted . . . . Dad snoozed . The play was a musical and funny . The actors and actresses do a tremendous job considering it 's community theater . On the way home , Dad suggested ice cream . It didn 't take us long to say yes . Hubby won the battle of who would pay for the ice cream since it was actually my Mom 's birthday gift . It 's the last week of camp and sadly , for this year , I 'm saying I 'm glad it 's almost over . I have three words to describe the summer - Rain , Rain , Rain . I 'm pretty sure there have been more rain days than not . We 've had camp through torrential downpours , thunder , lightening and hail . The weather report for tomorrow . . . . heavy rain . ' nuff said . Finally we get a day off . We 've been going non - stop for the past couple of weeks and we 're tired . Last night we stayed home and watched the opening of the Olympics . Hubby and I both fell asleep during the Parade of Nations but thankfully woke up just in time to see the Olympic Flag go up and the Torch get lit . I love the Olympics , and hope I get a chance to see some of the events . Today we have nothing planned ! We like to have a day to veg every now and then . We got up and Hubby made me a big breakfast and we 're just puttering around . Later on we 'll go to the library and maybe finally get to visit my Aunt Izy . Sometime today we hope to get up to Hudson Old Home Days . A friend of ours and her husband have started a German Fries business and are selling them at various fairs around the area . We wanted to go and support them so we 'll stop in and eat some fries and maybe see some crafts or whatever . It 'll be a lazy day . . . . just what we need . Hubby took me out on a date last night . We went to the movies ( which we rarely do . . . . . too expensive ) and we saw Mama Mia ! ! Hubby was a little reluctant . . . . . . you know , a chick flick and a musical besides . He likes musicals , but I think he likes more of the traditional , Rogers and Hammerstein type of musicals . But we both liked it very much . Meryl Streep was awesome . . . totally out of her usual comfort zone . She sang , she danced , she was very funny . Her singing was passable . . . not outstanding but we didn 't cringe either . Her counterpart was Pierce Brosnan , whom I 've always loved . He 's still looking good , although they let his beard be all scraggly for the last scene and that kind of made him look old . His singing was okay too . . . . . . nothing to write home about but okay . This is the whole collection . Some of it came out nicer than I thought it would . . . . . some not so much ! The mug hubby waited for ! ! I used letter punches to make his name all over the mug . Then I dipped in brown glaze and dipped just the rim in white glaze . My favorite piece . I used a piece of chain to make the design . I like the " blue jean " color of the glaze , and the brown rim is just a result of how the glaze fired in the kiln . The same glaze was used on this piece . I don 't know if you can see the same brown edges . This is a votive candle holder ( in case you weren 't sure what it was ! ) This wasn 't done on the wheel . It was done with flat pieces of clay that I rolled out on a big table with a roller and then cut . I used the extra heart - shaped cutouts from the candle holder to decorate this bowl . This was my favorite color glaze . . . . raspberry . I just wanted to show the detail on this bowl . We actually went outside and got leaves , stuck them on the bowl and used one color glaze and let it dry . Then we took the leaves off and used a different color glaze to make a contrast . Mine didn 't come out very contrast - y . . . . I wish I 'd used something more dramatic so it would have shown up better . And this poor piece is the black sheep of the bunch . It 's the first piece I decided to keep and even though I often tried to get rid of it later , the teacher kept telling me I 'd love it once it was glazed ! The colors on the inside are bits of glass that actually melt during the firing . Unfortunately the bowl was so crooked all the colors just oozed to one side . I guess I love it like only a mother can love her ugly child ! ! Hubby and I were sitting quietly in our living room on Sunday morning - reading the paper . I heard a rustling sound coming from our second bedroom ( aka Hubby 's studio ) . I was a little scared there might be a mouse or something in there - even though we live on the second floor - so I said , " Hubby - I heard a sound coming from the other room . " Hubby bravely went to check it out and came face - to - face with a squirrel sitting on the window sill . . . . . on the INSIDE of the room ! Hubby screamed like a girl and quickly exited the room , pulling the door closed behind him . I came over to see what was going on , and Hubby carefully opened the door again and the squirrel was gone . Upon investigation , we noted a cantaloupe - sized hole in the screen where the squirrel ( and probably his friends ) had gnawed through . There is a tree right outside the window that has branches that reach right over like a bridge for the squirrels to reach the window . Hubby went right outside and cut the branches back so the little devils can 't reach the window , and the window is closed until he fixes the screen . Needless to say , squirrels are NOT Hubby 's favorite animals . Today we went up to the campground where my parents stay . It was sunny when we left the house . I asked Hubby if we could stop at the dollar store to get me some new sunglasses . I buy them there 3 or 4 pair at a time since I lose them faster than I buy them sometimes . Ironically , by the time we got to the dollar store ( about a mile away ) it was pouring ! The day turned out to be iffy weather - wise . We had to go sit inside the camper for a while when it really downpoured , then it stopped long enough for us to go sit outside , cook our supper and eat it at the picnic table . The picnic table is under the overhang , so even if it was sprinkling , we didn 't mind . We managed to get an hour or so around the campfire until it started raining again and it was time for us to go home . My mom surprised me with a little box . When I asked what it was , she said it was " just something for me " . I opened it and it was a beautiful charm bracelet . She had gotten one for me and one for my sister to thank us for spending so much time with them while they were sick ! It brought tears to my eyes - I spent the time with them out of pure love , and I know she gave me the bracelet out of the pure love she has for me as well . I tried to take some photos but my camera would not cooperate . The bracelet is gold and platinum with a little saying or charm on each link . The sayings say : We went to Hubby 's family reunion yesterday . The whole family is very musical , so after everyone has had a chance to visit for a while , and has eaten the first round of food , the " band " gets up to play . The band had a list , but requests were honored . Sometimes the band changes over the afternoon as different people get up and play , but this time it stayed pretty much the same . On the left playing bass is Tag 's cousin 's son Danny . In the back playing drums is one of Tag 's favorite cousins , Ricky . In front playing lead guitar is his brother Doug . Both Ricky and Doug are part of a band called D - Tor that has evolved from other bands over the years . And playing keyboard is my own sweet musician , Tag . It 's fun to see the love Tag has for his cousins . Like a lot of us , there were several around the same age who grew up together , slept over each other 's houses , created " rock bands " together and generally had fun . These two little guys are Ricky 's grandsons . They are cousins - Zack and Patrick . They had a blast racing around on a big wheels . Hopefully they are making memories that only cousins can share . I couldn 't resist this photo of Patrick trying to eat his hotdog . It started out in a bun but he couldn 't quite get his mouth around it and , after it fell on the floor twice , he just decided it would be easier to eat it without the bun ! As the day turned into evening the band started playing some fan favorites and everyone got up to dance on the garage floor . A good time was had by all , including Tag 's cousin Cindy . All this makes me excited about my family 's reunion , which is coming up on September 7 . We started the reunion about 15 years ago - oddly enough , as the result of a funeral . When my Uncle Joe passed away , I met up with cousins I hadn 't seen in years . We sat there and lamented the fact that we only saw each other at funerals . My cousin Francine and I decided something should be done about that , and we started our family reunions . At the time , I was working at the town beach , which closes on Labor Day . They let me hPosted by Friday was a crazy busy day for me . Obviously , I had a busy day at camp . It was " Purim " at my Jewish camp , so a lot of kids came dressed in costumes . I participated in the Arts and Crafts room by having the kids make masks . I found some great animal mask stencils a couple of years ago and the kids love them . They had their choice and traced , cut , colored - then I hole - punched , cut out eyes and attached strings so they could wear them . A very hands - on day for me . Sometimes the kids do projects that don 't require me to do much , but this wasn 't one of them ! After camp I high - tailed it down to Hubby 's work to join in on his outing . They have a BBQ in the backyard of the place . There is whiffleball , horseshoes and that new ladder game to keep everyone amused . Hubby was in the middle of a fierce wiffle ball game when I arrived . Then we feasted on hotdogs , burgers , sausage , chicken , salmon , ribs and all the fixings . There was ice cream and strawberry shortcake for dessert . Everyone pretty much left after the food was eaten - which was fine with us because we needed to move on to the next event . Friends were singing at a coffeehouse called the Java Room . There are three of them - John , Betsi and John . They each take turns choosing a song and singing while the other two will often accompany them on guitar or add some harmony . It 's a very relaxing night - almost too relaxing ! I could have nodded off after my long day ! We were home by 10 : 30 and in bed shortly thereafter . We have to get ready for our next adventure today . . . . . Hubby 's family reunion ! |
Since camp ended we 've had nothing but gorgeous days . . . . sunny , warm . . . perfect . Go Figure ! Not that I 'm complaining about nice weather , but a few more days of sunnyness during camp season would have been nice . Anyway , today was another of those gorgeous days . Hubby and I didn 't do much of anything on Saturday so we decided we needed to get out today . There was a Folk Festival in Nashua , right up the road , so we decided to go . We called daughter Jamie to tell her we 'd be right down the street from her - would she like to come with us to the folk festival ? Not her cup of tea , but she said call her after and maybe we could go visit . So we went to Greeley Park in Nashua . It was a really nice venue . A grassy hill facing a big stage that looked like it was designed for concerts . The place was huge with lots of ball fields , etc . We found a spot on the grass and sat back to listen to the " folk music " . The first band was named the Rockin ' Road Dogs . hmmmmm . . . not exactly folk music . They were more blues / rock than I liked . We listened for a while then took a walk around the park , then called Jamie and took her to Panera Bread for an early supper . Hubby offered ice cream but we were too full . We went back to her place and had a nice visit . At 6pm , we went back to Greeley Park because there was an artist we wanted to hear . . . . or actually to see . His name was Brian Bergeron , and it just so happens there 's a guy in our building named Brian Bergeron and he 's a musician . We were extremely curious to know if this Brian was the same Brian . Turns out it wasn 't . We spent some more time exploring the park , then went back to hear the last musician . I thought he was the best of the bunch , but we left about halfway through his set . On the ride home I got a text message from Jamie . " Is it time for ice cream yet ? " We were about halfway home but Hubby did an instant U - turn when he heard the word ice cream and went back and picked Jamie up to go to DQ . We sat at the picnic table outside and shivered while we ate and had a grand time telling stories about our respective camps . We 're home now at 9 : 30pm . A long day but so wonderful to be outside , hear some music , visit with my daughter and eat both a yummy supper and some delicious ice cream . Hubby wants about a month of these days . . . . . . . and so do I . Last night we got the call . I hear Hubby answer and say " oh , your car broke ? " . . . . . . " OH , your WATER broke ! " He was talking to his daughter Wendy , who 's due date is September 15 . She explained that she 'd called the doctor and he said to wait for contractions and then come in . Hubby got off the phone and we started talking about how Noah Frank 's birthday would be August 30 , he 'd be a Virgo . He 'd be the same birth month as our grand - daughter Emily so my " Grandma Ring " would have two stones of the same color . How convenient was this going to be . . . . . we 'd have the long weekend to go visit at the hospital and probably be there when Noah Frank came home . At 10pm Hubby called and Wendy said they had just arrived at the hospital . She thought she might be having contractions but wasn 't sure . Somehow , Hubby and I slept . When his phone beeped at 8 this morning with a text message , we were both so excited we couldn 't read what it said . The first words . . . . . false alarm ! Apparently Noah kicked her bladder . . . . . . . . . . . She was sent home around 2am . I guess it 's good practice for her to stay up all night . . . . she 's going to have to get used to that . Another week or two of waiting I guess . sighhhhhh The past three days have been pretty quiet . I guess you could say it 's been an extension of my vacation . School started today in Salem , but of course I knew that wouldn 't mean I 'd be working right away . No one is going to take a day off on the first day of school ! I figure it 'll be at least next week before I work . This year they started a new sub - calling system . In the past it 's been one woman who takes in all the calls from teachers and then calls in all the subs . A massive undertaking . This year they are using a company that puts a lot of the responsibility onto the subs . The teachers go onto the website and put in their absence , then the subs go on the web site to see which assignments are available . . . . . first come first serve . It 's going to be great for the subs because we can be pro - active . . . . . but I don 't see how it 's really going to work for the teachers because I 'm sure there will be some teachers and programs that will never get a sub . It 'll be interesting to see how it goes as the school year progresses . Monday was a beach day . We had planned it ahead so naturally when we got up the weather was pretty iffy and the weather report said possible thundershowers . But that didn 't stop us ! We had two car - loads . . . . . me , my mom , my sister , her two daughters and her son and his friend . We got to the beach and had no sooner paid the parking fee and grabbed all our stuff and started walking than it started to rain ! It rained for exactly three minutes and that was it for the whole day ! The sun came out in the afternoon and we had a wonderful time . Tuesday I babysat all day . It was a teacher day for my DIL , so I got there 7am and stayed until about 2 : 30 . Of course my grand - daughter was wonderful . We had such fun playing with her toys , then after her nap I took her outside . We both loved it . It 's probably going to be like this for the rest of the week . You 'd think I 'd be enjoying the time off , but I get restless . I want to DO something . I just don 't know what ! I finished building my Hubby 's new armoire . We bought it at Wally - world and it came in a very , very heavy box . I put it together myself just because my Hubby didn 't think I could do it ! ! Hubby was resistent about getting a new armoire because he thought it was okay that his bureau looked like this : Yes , that is an old bureau and all the drawer fronts broke off . Hubby took the drawer fronts and made them into shelves . Nice . . . . for a guy . Personally . . . . . . not so nice . The instructions were all in pictures . . . . . I guess for idiots . . . . . but I thought it would have been more helpful if there were a few words giving some directions . Let me assure you . . . . it wasn 't as much fun as this picture makes it look : The finished product : It looks much nicer now : AND . . . . BONUS ! ! I got Hubby to throw a few things away ! ! It took me 3 hours and 20 minutes to put it together . I looked on the directions to see if it would say how long it was supposed to take but it didn 't say . I 'm thinking a little over 3 hours ain 't that bad ! Yes , I actually wrote on our calendar - " Day of Rest " - for today . Our three day vacation was fun but very busy , and the beginning of our weekend was just the same , so we need our day of rest now . 10 : 30 and Hubby is still sleeping , despite my attempts to get him up , so I figured I could catch up on computer stuff . Friday night we went to brother John 's house for a cookout and a visit . Always a fun time . John is the best cook ever . . . . his chicken and steak tips off the grill were five - star restaurant quality . Usually we watch a movie or a football game or something together , but this time we mostly sat and talked , watched one episode of a TV show they wanted us to see , and some Olympics . It was a very enjoyable time . Saturday was a two - fer . We were invited to the house of a guy Hubby works with - Don - to have a meal and for Tag to play guitar so Don could sing . They ended out inviting half their family as well , so it was a little weird but we ate and had some songs and everyone seemed happy . Saturday night we had planned to go dancing with our favorite group , The Classmates . They play 60 's and 70s music . We had a great time dancing and singing . So today is a rest day . I bought Hubby a new armoire from Wally - world . He chuckled when I said I could assemble it myself , so now I will prove to him I can do it . ( If he ever gets out of bed . ) Besides that it 'll be reading the paper , puttering . . . . maybe some cross - stitch . . . . and watching the closing of the Olympics tonight . Question : We watched the Opening Ceremonies on Friday night , right ? Which means it was their Saturday morning . So I understand we were watching it on tape . However , it was night - time there during the ceremony , which means they must have done the ceremony in Bejing on Thursday night . So was it still 8 - 8 - 08 for THEM ? huh ? ? ? Help ! Phew ! Yesterday was our last day of vacation and we had a blast . We drove up to York 's " Wild Kingdom " in York , Maine . I haven 't been there in about 15 years , Hubby 's not sure if he 's ever been there . They have two parts of the park - the zoo and the rides . Luckily , you can pay for just one or the other so we opted for just the zoo . We got there about 12 : 30 and had to park - no exaggeration - a mile from the entrance . We were stunned at how many people were there and couldn 't believe they 'd make us park so far away . Once we got inside we were fine - it didnt ' seem overly crowded . The zoo was nice - they had a lot of animals , although I was surprised they didn 't have any of the big animals like giraffes , hippos or rhinos . The only elephant they had was the one you could ride . They did have a really nice pond where you could ride paddle boats . The pond was filled with ducks of all kinds . They had a nice petting zoo . My favorite was the baby goats . I wanted to stick this one in Hubby 's backpack and take him home . Part of the zoo was a new Butterfly exhibit . You could walk inside and the butterflies were flying around you . Hubby took some pretty nice photos . We had a good time at the zoo and left there around 5 : 30 . We drove a short ways to York beach and walked all up and down the beach . It was low tide , but we didn 't find any shells ! We took off our shoes and walked in the surf , but the water was mighty cold ! After our walk we went to find some good seafood . DIL Kara just happened to call on my cell phone , and her family vacations a lot in that area , so I asked her for a recommendation . She said her aunt and uncle 's favorite place is Billy 's Clam House . It took us a bit to find it , but once we did , we were very thankful because it was delicious ! We shared a bowl of clam chowder ( chowdah ) and a plate of haddock and scallops . mmmmmmmm ! ! When we came outside , the sun was setting . We got home about 10pm . Now we have to rest to recover from our vacation ! But it was a wonderful three days and we had a good time together . I love spending time with my Hubby ! We left the house at 9 : 30 am . I convinced Hubby to drive right into the city instead of taking the train . The train would have cost us $ 30 round trip . The parking garage that is attached to the Museum is $ 17 . 50 . It was an easy drive in , and the museum is right off the highway . Our library has Museum passes , so we paid $ 5 apiece to get in instead of $ 19 each . The baseball exhibit was amazing . It took us almost two hours to go through it . They had everything . . . . old equipment , programs , all kinds of memorabilia , photos , etc . They also had the scientific explanations for why the equipment has changed over the years and how the athletes have worked to become so much better . They had fun stuff like putting your face in a catcher 's mask to see how the catcher sees a pitch coming and throwing a ball at a pitching machine to see how fast your fastball is . ( Mine isn 't fast at all ! ) After the baseball exhibit we went through most of the rest of the museum . The place is so huge , and gives you so much information you could stay there for days . And that doesn 't even count the fact that they have the Omni theater and the Planetarium for additional fees . The whole place reminds me of Boston itself . The strange thing about Boston is that the old and new are side by side . There 'll be a modern skyscraper a few feet away from a building built in the 1700 's . The museum is the same . There are exhibits there that are the same since I brought my kids there 20 years ago . And of course they have lots of new stuff . My favorite thing besides the baseball exhibit is the whole section showing how a baby grows inside its mother . This exhibit has been there forever and is exactly the same . But I love it . After the Museum we took the T to Quincy Marketplace . We ended out having dinner at a place called the Purple Shamrock . I had a fisherman 's platter and Hubby had a salad with steak tips . Both were delicious . We walked over to the waterfront near the Aquarium where they now have Christopher Columbus Park and we happened to stumble upon a concert being given . We stayed to listen for a bit . It might be hard to see that there is an orchestra in the middle of that mess , and the boats in the background are on Boston Harbor . Then we walked back through Quincy Marketplace , down to the Boston Common and into the Public Garden . Everthing was so pretty . Walking through the Common we went past the famous Frog Pond . You can see why it 's named that : In the summer the kids can go wading in it and in the winter it 's used as a skating rink . We took the T back to the museum to get our car and got home around 8pm . We 're tired but we had a great time . Today was the first day of our " mini - vacation " or our " stay - cation " as the media is calling it . Supposedly people are staying close to home this year because of gas prices so they 've come up with this idiotic name for it . Somehow our " staycation " cost us a half tank of gas already ! Anyway , we went up to Enfield , NH to the Shaker Village . It 's something Hubby has been wanting to do for a while . The drive was about 1 1 / 2 hours - straight highway . The weather was absolutely gorgeous ( for once ! ) . The " village " was only a couple of houses for us to look at . . . . not at all like Sturbridge Village . The main building was this enormous house the Shakers had built that housed a lot of people . They were kind of like a commune . . . . all lived and worked together and produced everything for the benefit of the whole community . The most bizarre thing I found out about them was that they were completely celibate ! They believed everything they did should not be " of the world " but only for God . They kept the community going by taking in converts and also by adopting orphans ! Needless to say , they 've died out now . . . . . last we heard there were only two old ladies left somewhere in NH . Right beside the Shaker building was a beautiful church built by the Nuns of the Order of LaSallette , who bought the property after the Shakers died out . Pretty weird to see the two buildings side by side . . . . . and connected to each other in the back ! Inside the chapel were some gorgeous mosaics . This one is of the Last Supper . I 'd like to do a mosaic on our coffee table someday . After seeing the village , Hubby really wanted to take us canoeing , but we could not find a place that rented canoes . The lake the Shaker Village was on was huge . . . . you would have thought there 'd be a place to rent them . We did stop at a campground that had on their website that they let the campers use the canoes , but they couldn 't seem to find the guy who could open the office to let us rent a canoe , so we left . We stopped at another place that advertised Maple Syrup , just to ask if the person knew where we could rent . He was very much the old - fashioned New Englander who stopped his work to chat with us and was all ready to offer us his nephew 's canoe . We ended out leaving and going to a State Park so we could at least have a swim . We went to Wadleigh State Park . It was very pretty , Kezor Lake nestled into the mountains . We stayed there and swam , read and ate our picnic lunch . On the way home we stopped at Winslow State Park just to see what it was like . You drove halfway up the side of Mount Kearsage . It was very pretty up there . . . . they had picnic tables and fireplaces for a picnic . It 'd be a great place for our family outing ! We could have hiked all the way to the top and climbed the fire tower . . . . . but we didn 't . The view from the top was spectacular . Yesterday was the last day of camp . Unbelievable . It was a fast eight weeks , as it always is . This year wasn 't as great as it 's been in the past , mostly due to the weather . But the last day is always the hardest . It 's a long day of packing up . The Art Room was packed in about two dozen milk crates - and two or three huge garbage bags full of stuff for the dumpster . Then all the milk crates have to be transported over to the boat room for winter storage . If they stay in the Art room , we get visits by little critters who chew everything up . The floor needs to be swept one last time and the wooden covers put over the windows . After the kids left , the rest of the staff got together to pull in the docks . They are huge , metal and weigh about a ton apiece . There are about 10 or 12 sections , plus the two wooden floating docks . I can 't help with the docks . . . . . they are just too heavy . ( I 'm not referred to as " old lady vennard " at camp for nothing . ) So I went into the office and helped the assistant director pack up all her stuff . Then everyone , including myself , carried in the 20 or so picnic tables and put them in the recreation building . The picnic tables did me in . My back is killing me . But the long , lovely back rub I got from Hubby last night made it all worthwhile . Today we went to a place in Lawrence called " Got a Book " . All the books are donated , sold to the public for a $ 1 , and half the proceeds go to charity . Books for a Buck ? We couldn 't resist . The place was pretty big . There were tables of children 's books , some shelves for books for kids 8 - 14 years old , and the rest of the books were totally unorganized ! So there were paperback novels , how - to books , fiction , non - fiction , even textbooks all up on the shelves in willy - nilly order . It could take you days to peruse all the shelves . There were also record albums ( remember those ? ) which are Hubby 's downfall , so we bought 6 of those and three books . From there we went to Thwaite 's Market . This is a very unassuming little corner convenience store that 's been there for years . Their claim to fame is their meat market . They have the most scrumptious meat pies and - something that I 've been unable to get at the grocery store for many years - tomato sausage . Tonight for dinner we 'll have tomato sausage , home fries and applesauce . . . . mmmmmmm . This is one of the places I 've been promising to take Hubby since he moved up here . This afternoon we babysat . We hadnt ' seen Emily in two weeks because they were on vacation so it was a pleasure to have her for the afternoon . Doug suggested we take her to Griffin Park , which is up the street in Windham . We took her out and had a blast . She loved playing in the grass , although every time we put her down , she headed for the pavement ! There 's a little pond where she chatted with the very friendly duck . She thought it was so much fun to play in the bark mulch surrounding the trees . We took her inside the little playground where she went down the slide , sat on a bouncy animal , and went on the swing . We went over to watch the kids on the skateboard park but she thought it was more fun to play in the rocks . Then it started to thunder ( surprise ! have we had a day with no thunderstorms this summer ? ? ? ) so we got her in the car and took her to the ice cream shop in town . Thank goodness it has an indoors because by that time it was pouring out . Emily loved the raspberry sherbert Hubby was feeding her . . . . . although she made a goofy face every time ! When she 'd take a bite of my cone , she 'd lean her face in for a few seconds as if testing the level of coldness before she took a big bite ! She started squirming in her high chair so we put her down and she walked and chattered and charmed every one in the place . They all knew her name when we left ! It was the second day in a row of sunshine for us at camp . . . . . . hooray ! A perfect day for launching rockets . I started this tradition at camp when I began working there four years ago as a way to have the older kids enjoy Arts and Crafts a bit more . I order kits from a website and the children who are 7 - 8 grade build the rockets . They 're fairly simple , taking them about 2 hours to build . They decorated them this year with glitter . I banned feathers after the incident last year where one of the rockets covered in feathers caught fire . We had 100 % success . The rest of the camp sits on the beach and cheers as we launch the rockets off the docks . It 's a good time and the kids really enjoy it . . . . . and so do I ! Yesterday was a busy day for me . I got to go on a field trip with a group of kids from camp . We took 13 kids to the Salem Witch Museum . For those of you who don 't know , Salem , MA is famous for being the spot of the of Witch Trials where several young girls claimed to be possessed by witches and when they named names . . . . . . those women were thrown in jail then hung for their transgressions . The museum was okay . . . . not scary as we thought it might be . Then we went to a park beside the water and had lunch , played frisbee and went down to the beach onto the rocks and found some crabs , etc . The kids liked that part of the day the best . It was the first gorgeous , sunny day we 've had in about a hundred years , so it felt just glorious to be outside . After work I went out with my girlfriends . There were only four of us this time but we had a great visit . We went to Salvatore 's in Lawrence . The man who owns this restaurant is the same one who has Sal 's pizza . He took an old mill building and made it into a beautiful restaurant . It 's right on the river so we sat outside on the deck . It was a perfect night . . . . just the right temperature and no rain ! ! It was so relaxing to sit back and chat and eat some delicious food . Only two more days of camp ! Unbelievable . Today we 'll be launching the model rockets I made with the older group of kids . We launch them off the dock into the lake and some of the staff use kayaks to go pick them up . Some of the launches turn out to be pretty funny . Last year one of the rockets caught on fire as it went up ! We 'll see what happens this year . The camp is Jewish , and Friday night is Shabbat . . . . . their time of prayer . Most of the people at camp are not strict with themselves as far as following the Jewish customs outside of camp so it 's never been a real problem finishing off our year on the last day . This year however , one of the staff has really gotten into his Judaism and become much more conservative . This person is a central character at the camp - he 's been there for 10 years or so and is the music director . He 's the one who plays guitar at the campfire . On a Friday night now , he wouldn 't be able to play the guitar - and he wouldn 't be able to drive home or ride in a car with someone else either . The understanding I have is that on Shabbat you have to give yourself over to God and not let anything of the " world " interfere with your prayers . So - no one wanted to leave him out . It would have been the height of irony to exclude him because of his devotion to his religion when we 're a Jewish camp ! So the decision was made to move our Staff Night to last night . I have to say it wasn 't the same . There wasn 't the melancholy feeling of seeing each other for the last time before the long winter . On top of it not being our last night together , it was rainy ( of course ! ) so we didn 't actually have a campfire - we all sat inside the rec hall in a circle to sing our songs . About a quarter of the staff couldn 't make it because they hadn 't put aside that night and they had other plans . We did have a nice meal together . . . . . and the younger staff had a fierce game of handball on the beach before dinner . A couple of us " older " staff slipped out quietly for an adult beverage before dinner . Today - for the first time in what seems like months - the sun is out ! AND they weather people say it 's going to stay out ALL DAY ! Amazing ! I 'm going on a field trip with some of the kids to the Witch Museum in Salem , MA . I plan to spend some of the day at least out in the sun while it 's still around . . . . . cause I 'm sure it 'll be raining tomorrow ! For Mom 's birthday , I gave her tickets to a stage play of " The Pajama Game " . I let her invite a guest and - typically - she invited my Dad . The play was in Portsmouth at a theater called Seacoast Repertory Theater . As usual , we had a great time with my parents . They 're such good company . We chatted away on the ride up . . . . . actually . . . . Hubby , Mom and I chatted . . . . Dad snoozed . The play was a musical and funny . The actors and actresses do a tremendous job considering it 's community theater . On the way home , Dad suggested ice cream . It didn 't take us long to say yes . Hubby won the battle of who would pay for the ice cream since it was actually my Mom 's birthday gift . It 's the last week of camp and sadly , for this year , I 'm saying I 'm glad it 's almost over . I have three words to describe the summer - Rain , Rain , Rain . I 'm pretty sure there have been more rain days than not . We 've had camp through torrential downpours , thunder , lightening and hail . The weather report for tomorrow . . . . heavy rain . ' nuff said . Finally we get a day off . We 've been going non - stop for the past couple of weeks and we 're tired . Last night we stayed home and watched the opening of the Olympics . Hubby and I both fell asleep during the Parade of Nations but thankfully woke up just in time to see the Olympic Flag go up and the Torch get lit . I love the Olympics , and hope I get a chance to see some of the events . Today we have nothing planned ! We like to have a day to veg every now and then . We got up and Hubby made me a big breakfast and we 're just puttering around . Later on we 'll go to the library and maybe finally get to visit my Aunt Izy . Sometime today we hope to get up to Hudson Old Home Days . A friend of ours and her husband have started a German Fries business and are selling them at various fairs around the area . We wanted to go and support them so we 'll stop in and eat some fries and maybe see some crafts or whatever . It 'll be a lazy day . . . . just what we need . Hubby took me out on a date last night . We went to the movies ( which we rarely do . . . . . too expensive ) and we saw Mama Mia ! ! Hubby was a little reluctant . . . . . . you know , a chick flick and a musical besides . He likes musicals , but I think he likes more of the traditional , Rogers and Hammerstein type of musicals . But we both liked it very much . Meryl Streep was awesome . . . totally out of her usual comfort zone . She sang , she danced , she was very funny . Her singing was passable . . . not outstanding but we didn 't cringe either . Her counterpart was Pierce Brosnan , whom I 've always loved . He 's still looking good , although they let his beard be all scraggly for the last scene and that kind of made him look old . His singing was okay too . . . . . . nothing to write home about but okay . This is the whole collection . Some of it came out nicer than I thought it would . . . . . some not so much ! The mug hubby waited for ! ! I used letter punches to make his name all over the mug . Then I dipped in brown glaze and dipped just the rim in white glaze . My favorite piece . I used a piece of chain to make the design . I like the " blue jean " color of the glaze , and the brown rim is just a result of how the glaze fired in the kiln . The same glaze was used on this piece . I don 't know if you can see the same brown edges . This is a votive candle holder ( in case you weren 't sure what it was ! ) This wasn 't done on the wheel . It was done with flat pieces of clay that I rolled out on a big table with a roller and then cut . I used the extra heart - shaped cutouts from the candle holder to decorate this bowl . This was my favorite color glaze . . . . raspberry . I just wanted to show the detail on this bowl . We actually went outside and got leaves , stuck them on the bowl and used one color glaze and let it dry . Then we took the leaves off and used a different color glaze to make a contrast . Mine didn 't come out very contrast - y . . . . I wish I 'd used something more dramatic so it would have shown up better . And this poor piece is the black sheep of the bunch . It 's the first piece I decided to keep and even though I often tried to get rid of it later , the teacher kept telling me I 'd love it once it was glazed ! The colors on the inside are bits of glass that actually melt during the firing . Unfortunately the bowl was so crooked all the colors just oozed to one side . I guess I love it like only a mother can love her ugly child ! ! Hubby and I were sitting quietly in our living room on Sunday morning - reading the paper . I heard a rustling sound coming from our second bedroom ( aka Hubby 's studio ) . I was a little scared there might be a mouse or something in there - even though we live on the second floor - so I said , " Hubby - I heard a sound coming from the other room . " Hubby bravely went to check it out and came face - to - face with a squirrel sitting on the window sill . . . . . on the INSIDE of the room ! Hubby screamed like a girl and quickly exited the room , pulling the door closed behind him . I came over to see what was going on , and Hubby carefully opened the door again and the squirrel was gone . Upon investigation , we noted a cantaloupe - sized hole in the screen where the squirrel ( and probably his friends ) had gnawed through . There is a tree right outside the window that has branches that reach right over like a bridge for the squirrels to reach the window . Hubby went right outside and cut the branches back so the little devils can 't reach the window , and the window is closed until he fixes the screen . Needless to say , squirrels are NOT Hubby 's favorite animals . Today we went up to the campground where my parents stay . It was sunny when we left the house . I asked Hubby if we could stop at the dollar store to get me some new sunglasses . I buy them there 3 or 4 pair at a time since I lose them faster than I buy them sometimes . Ironically , by the time we got to the dollar store ( about a mile away ) it was pouring ! The day turned out to be iffy weather - wise . We had to go sit inside the camper for a while when it really downpoured , then it stopped long enough for us to go sit outside , cook our supper and eat it at the picnic table . The picnic table is under the overhang , so even if it was sprinkling , we didn 't mind . We managed to get an hour or so around the campfire until it started raining again and it was time for us to go home . My mom surprised me with a little box . When I asked what it was , she said it was " just something for me " . I opened it and it was a beautiful charm bracelet . She had gotten one for me and one for my sister to thank us for spending so much time with them while they were sick ! It brought tears to my eyes - I spent the time with them out of pure love , and I know she gave me the bracelet out of the pure love she has for me as well . I tried to take some photos but my camera would not cooperate . The bracelet is gold and platinum with a little saying or charm on each link . The sayings say : We went to Hubby 's family reunion yesterday . The whole family is very musical , so after everyone has had a chance to visit for a while , and has eaten the first round of food , the " band " gets up to play . The band had a list , but requests were honored . Sometimes the band changes over the afternoon as different people get up and play , but this time it stayed pretty much the same . On the left playing bass is Tag 's cousin 's son Danny . In the back playing drums is one of Tag 's favorite cousins , Ricky . In front playing lead guitar is his brother Doug . Both Ricky and Doug are part of a band called D - Tor that has evolved from other bands over the years . And playing keyboard is my own sweet musician , Tag . It 's fun to see the love Tag has for his cousins . Like a lot of us , there were several around the same age who grew up together , slept over each other 's houses , created " rock bands " together and generally had fun . These two little guys are Ricky 's grandsons . They are cousins - Zack and Patrick . They had a blast racing around on a big wheels . Hopefully they are making memories that only cousins can share . I couldn 't resist this photo of Patrick trying to eat his hotdog . It started out in a bun but he couldn 't quite get his mouth around it and , after it fell on the floor twice , he just decided it would be easier to eat it without the bun ! As the day turned into evening the band started playing some fan favorites and everyone got up to dance on the garage floor . A good time was had by all , including Tag 's cousin Cindy . All this makes me excited about my family 's reunion , which is coming up on September 7 . We started the reunion about 15 years ago - oddly enough , as the result of a funeral . When my Uncle Joe passed away , I met up with cousins I hadn 't seen in years . We sat there and lamented the fact that we only saw each other at funerals . My cousin Francine and I decided something should be done about that , and we started our family reunions . At the time , I was working at the town beach , which closes on Labor Day . They let me hPosted by Friday was a crazy busy day for me . Obviously , I had a busy day at camp . It was " Purim " at my Jewish camp , so a lot of kids came dressed in costumes . I participated in the Arts and Crafts room by having the kids make masks . I found some great animal mask stencils a couple of years ago and the kids love them . They had their choice and traced , cut , colored - then I hole - punched , cut out eyes and attached strings so they could wear them . A very hands - on day for me . Sometimes the kids do projects that don 't require me to do much , but this wasn 't one of them ! After camp I high - tailed it down to Hubby 's work to join in on his outing . They have a BBQ in the backyard of the place . There is whiffleball , horseshoes and that new ladder game to keep everyone amused . Hubby was in the middle of a fierce wiffle ball game when I arrived . Then we feasted on hotdogs , burgers , sausage , chicken , salmon , ribs and all the fixings . There was ice cream and strawberry shortcake for dessert . Everyone pretty much left after the food was eaten - which was fine with us because we needed to move on to the next event . Friends were singing at a coffeehouse called the Java Room . There are three of them - John , Betsi and John . They each take turns choosing a song and singing while the other two will often accompany them on guitar or add some harmony . It 's a very relaxing night - almost too relaxing ! I could have nodded off after my long day ! We were home by 10 : 30 and in bed shortly thereafter . We have to get ready for our next adventure today . . . . . Hubby 's family reunion ! |
I always had an affinity for the Mr . Spock character . I loved his no - nonsense purely logical way of looking at things . I especially loved the episodes where he was confused and / or outright annoyed by human behavior - A piece of the action comes to mind . I remember being sad when the show went off the air . But all was not lost ! 10 years later " Star Trek the Motion Picture " was set to be released . I anxiously awaited opening day and although I admit I was a little bit disappointed in the film , I was thrilled to see all of my favorite characters again . The movies that followed were so much better than the first " Motion Picture " and I saw each and every one of them more than once until the 2009 release of Star Trek the updated prequel . It was there that I stopped . Nothing against the movie or the actors . I 'm sure it was and they were just wonderful . I just did not want to see new actors playing the parts of my favorite characters . I remember when The Next Generation was being advertised . I was outraged that anyone would try to create a new Star Trek even if the person creating it was Gene Roddenberry himself . How Dare He ? ! ! ! My boyfriend at the time , knowing how much I loved Star Trek taped it and brought it to my house for me to watch . I flatly refused . I would NEVER watch a " fake " Star Trek , Never ! Not only was Mr . Spock my favorite character but I really loved Leonard Nimoy the actor . He was the only reason I was at all interested in watching Mission Impossible ( the TV show ) . I grew to love the show , but Leonard got me there . I will also never forget being glued to the TV watching " In Search Of … " . That Spock character resonates a bit more with me now that it did back then , if you can believe that possible . Having a child with autism has made me view Mr . Spock in an entirely different light . His matter - of - fact , logical , no grey area persona reminds me a bit of my son . It reminds me of the way many people perceive people with autism . However , like many people with autism , in spite of that matter - of - fact , no grey area , logical approach he had to life , his duties , his interaction with others , Mr . Spock showed compassion , empathy and yes , even friendship to those around him - in his own way . Leonard Nimoy was one of my childhood heroes and I suppose you can say that I carried that adoration with me into adulthood . I was heartbroken to hear of his passing . There will never be another like him . It may be silly to you but I really feel that a piece of my childhood is gone forever - a small piece that I will never be able to get back . ( The weekend we attended " Shore Leave " , Leonard Nimoy was scheduled to appear via Skype on Sunday . We had already spent Friday and Saturday there and I was not sure DC could make it another day . We also had a very long drive home , so we opted out for Sunday . I am still so disappointed that I missed my only opportunity to see Mr . Nimoy , but he will - live forever in my heart ) I was a little bit apprehensive when it occurred to me that it was time to start taking him to have his eyes examined . He was not verbal at all and was not very cooperative with doctors . His pediatrician would strategically place wastepaper pails around the examining room when DC was due to come in for an appointment because he would work himself up to vomiting - everywhere - every time . Even now , though so much more agreeable , I do still have to bring reinforcements - his Dad and Doug , when he has to have a shot The 4 of us go marching into the examination room along with a nurse and the doctor . As hard as we try , we can not hold onto this boy . The doctor really just ends up chasing him around the room in the hopes of getting a lucky shot . I will always remember a little girl that was in DC 's Birth to 3 class . She was just a tiny little thing , with the strongest , thickest glasses I have ever seen . She , like DC was non - verbal . Even with those thick , thick glasses , the teachers had to get right up in her face so she could see them . I remember one day , walking into DC 's classroom to visit ( I worked 5 minutes away and visited often ) and there she was without the glasses ! Her mother explained that she had changed eye doctors just recently and the new doctor had determined that she did not need glasses at all , she never did ! So needless to say , I really wasn 't looking forward to having DC 's eyes examined . I finally thought I found a doctor that understood the situation and brought DC to his first appointment . The doctor did say that his vision was not 20 / 20 and he would probably need glasses eventually . It would be helpful but not 100 % necessary at this time . He did suggest that I may want to do it now so he had the chance to get used to them . That is what I did . It really did not take that long for him to get used to the glasses and his teacher reported that he was much more focused in the classroom . I must say , he is and has always been very good with his glasses . He has not lost or broken any pair he 's had over the years ( knocking wood ) . The last few times DC needed a new prescription and while we were still going to the doctor mentioned above , I opted to just change the lenses in his frames . Some changes are not all that difficult for him , but when it comes to glasses , shoes or switching seasonal coats and jackets , he has a hard time . It was becoming apparent that these frames were not going to last very much longer , so it was time to find a new doctor and get new frames , whether he needed a new prescription or not . We found a new eye doctor that came highly recommended by my brother and sister - in - law . It was just amazing how smoothly this appointment went . I did not even have to explain to the doctor that given the choice of two options , he will almost always choose the last one , just because it is the last thing he heard . We were in and out in less than an hour , where as if we had gone to his previous doctor , this exam would have taken two very long visits and then the follow up visits to correct what they had done incorrectly . Our previous doctor had an optical shop on site . This new doctor did not , so off we went to a department store where plenty of other people I knew bought their glasses . We started the process of trying on different frames . As expected , DC was anxious . He yelled " No ! " to each and every pair that he tried on . Now it is never really clear if he just does not like the frames or if he is saying " no " because the sample frames just have regular glass in them and he can 't see . I have tried to explain this to him many times , but I am really not sure that he understands . I do not know if he was just tired of trying on frames or if he actually liked the pair that he had on his face at that moment , but he finally said " Yes " ! The girl who was helping us was so very excited - " He said ' yes ' ! " Once she said that out loud , he went back to " No " . I had a " yes " for a minute , I wasn 't going to let it go that easily . I asked him to look in the mirror . He did . A customer that must have been listening to this whole exchange ( how could one miss it ? ) told him that he looked very handsome in those glasses . He was sold . We sat down to place our order . At this point DC had enough and it was time for a panicked sprint to the restroom with me running behind yelling for him to slow down , as he raced to the other end of the store . He does this when he becomes overwhelmed . It is also his way of trying to get out of doing something he doesn 't want to do . I assumed I was in for the long haul as much of my life is spent standing outside the men 's room or yelling into the men 's room . To my surprise , he calmed down relatively quickly for him , but I am certain the girl waiting to finish our order was probably thinking we had skipped out on her . We finally made it back to complete the order and were told his glasses would be ready in less than a week . I was home from work by the time they arrived home . DC walked in wearing his old glasses carrying the new glasses in the case . He didn 't realize that now that he had the new glasses , he was actually supposed to wear them . I don 't really know what he thought he was supposed to do with them , but wearing them was not on the list . I asked to see them . I asked him to put them on and explained to him that his old glasses were ready to fall apart and he should start wearing the new ones . He put them on and I put his old glasses in the case and stored them away just in case we ever needed a temporary pair . He was fine for a little while , but later came into the kitchen looking around very determined to find something . I asked what he was looking for and he replied " Glasses " . He was looking for his old glasses . He still did not understand that he was supposed to be wearing the new ones . I really was beginning to think that this was going to be more difficult than I originally thought . I explained again that his old glasses were going to fall apart and this is why I bought him new glasses . He has to wear the new ones . He should be able to see much better wearing the new pair too . Just like that , he left the kitchen and never asked for the old glasses again . I was impressed . This had to be the easiest transition to anything we 've ever experienced . I was not going to participate until I read this post yesterday - A Story of Compassion by Kenya G . Johnson ( please read it . It is well worth your time ) . It was a story about how one small gesture from one teacher made a difference in her life . This post led me to think about a teacher I had in the 7th grade . Before I begin , I have to say that I did enjoy elementary school . I know it is not going to sound like it . I had fun with my friends , the fun was much easier to be had when I could just blend into the background , not waiting to be the second to last person chosen for basketball , dodge ball or any other activity . I enjoyed elementary school because I had very good friends , many of whom remain good friends to this day . As someone who never felt as though I fit in anywhere , they were my sanctuary . No one could have had better friends . They will be in my heart , mind and life forever . Yes , we 've all lost track of each other from time to time over the years but we always seem to find our way back to each other . I am thankful to all of them for being there then and now . If you were to look up " low self - esteem " or " lack of self - confidence " , I am sure my photo - if I enjoyed having my picture taken that is , would be there right there next to the definition . I have been told by a few people these days that I hide that fact very well . Maybe I do , maybe not , but back when I was young , I am sure I did not do the best job of hiding it . For reasons I will not get into here , I am the epitome of low self - esteem and lack of self - confidence . Always have been , always will be . At times this was almost debilitating - not almost , it was . It still can be now to some extent . I spent most of my time in elementary school hiding behind others . I didn 't want to be noticed . I didn 't want people to see my clothes , my shoes , my sneakers or me in general . I didn 't have older sisters , but that did not keep the hand - me - downs from coming from cousins and a step - aunt who worked at a high school - she would go " shopping " in the lost and found . I didn 't feel comfortable around people . I didn 't feel comfortable anywhere . Sometime around the 5th grade I began gaining weight . This just drove my already low self - esteem into the ground . By the 7th grade I had gained a pretty good amount of weight . I was even more miserable than I had ever been . I will never forget my 7th grade teacher , Mr . Holmes . At the time , I did not understand why he would single me out for things - good things , activities that anyone else would have been happy to be involved in . I didn 't want any part of this and thought he really must not like me very much to keep forcing me to get involved in things with some of the other kids when he had to know how uncomfortable it was for me . I remember one time when there were a couple of seats available for the 8th grade class trip . The powers that be left it to the 7th grade teachers to choose a couple of students to go on this trip with the 8th graders . Mr . Holmes chose me . I had no idea why he would choose me . I was sure some of the more popular kids would have been very happy to go with their also popular 8th grade friends . Instead of being happy to have been chosen , my reaction went to the " Why are you doing this to me ? " side of the spectrum . As if I didn 't feel like an outcast enough with my own classmates , now I had to spend the day with the 8th graders ! The day of the annual hearing testing came . Each student had to report to the hearing test center , which was in the nurse 's office . When one student completed his / her test , he / she was sent back to the classroom with the name of the next student to be tested . " Martin " came back to Mr . Holmes ' classroom and announced " They want to see the fat one " ( that would be me ) . I tried to look like it didn 't bother me as I got up and had to walk out of the classroom in front of everyone . I don 't know what happened after I left the classroom , I never asked I really didn 't want to know - I just wanted to wipe it from my memory and everyone else 's as well ( Where 's Dr . Who when you need him ? ) . If you think it was uncomfortable walking out of the classroom it was 100 times worse having to walk back in and announce the next name , while still trying to look as if what " Martin " said did not faze me in the least . People stared at me but it was not mentioned . I really was thankful for that . As the school year went on I found that I was much more comfortable in the classroom . This was partially due to the fact that I had lost a good portion of the weight I had gained , which I had already begun losing when " Martin " made his announcement . Also because I felt like I had gotten to know the other students in the classroom better having been thrown together with them so often for activities . …… and really , I can not remember anything else he said . I was flabbergasted , mortified , but strangely - a bit proud that someone was actually saying nice things about me to other people ! I understood right then and there what he tried to do for me the entire year . He saw a problem and tried to help correct it by trying and succeeding a bit to get me to come out of my shell , to not feel so very uncomfortable , to feel like I fit in by including me in everything he could find to include me in and putting me together with students other than my friends and outside of my comfort zone . I am not going to say that I turned a corner that day and everything was just fine , but I will say that he did help me to come out of my shell if only a little bit . I am proud to have had him as a teacher and all of these years later I have not forgotten that he made that speech or how he went out of his way to try to help me feel like I was just as good as anyone else . I will never forget him . I am sure I was not the only person he singled out and I was not his mission in life . I am sure I was just oblivious to everyone else he was trying to help at the time . There was one boy I was not oblivious to … the boy that came to our classroom everyday before the lunch bell rang . He came every day to pick a lunch made for him by Mr . Holmes . It 's been one of those weeks …… Enough said … . . and just because I needed a laugh , I decided to post yet another rerun . The following was posted back in April 2013 - but it still makes me laugh … . DC loves to make introductions . I don 't believe he really understands the point of introducing people . He notices people making introductions in the movies he watches and in the books that he reads . It doesn 't matter if the people he is introducing already know each other . It doesn 't matter if he knows they already know each other , when he gets to urge to make introductions , he does . He is usually very formal about it as well - " I would like to introduce my mother , Vickie Lastname " or " It is my pleasure to introduce to you , my mother , Vickie Lastname " or ( my favorite ) " Please allow me to introduce my ' lov - er - ly ' mother , Vickie Lastname " Recently we attended a pasta dinner fundraiser to benefit the summer camp DC has attended since he was 5 years old . We purchased enough tickets for DC , Doug , my mother and myself and we sold a few more to friends and family members . Seated with DC and I were , - My mother ( DC 's grandmother ) - Doug ( who was also pulling DJ duty ) - DC 's grandparents on his Dad 's side - DC 's Dad - Tracy - DC 's stepmother ( His Dad 's wife . I generally do not use the stepmother title to describe her because DC is so very much into Disney that there is no explaining to him that all stepmothers are not evil ) Karr - ee - anna - in DC - speak - DC 's Aunt K - Her husband R - My friend Tonya - and DC 's friend , Salli Due to the crowd , Doug 's father and sister had moved over to the next table . DC was very excited that everyone was there at the same time . He sat at the table as if he were " holding court " . He then decided that introductions were in order . Turning his attention to his father , Tracy : " Tracy , this is my mother Vickie Lastname " and " Vickie , I would like to introduce you to my father , Tracy ( same ) Lastname " ~ Insert Dramatic Pause ~ Me : " Um ……. " we 've met …………………… . . " Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleRedditPinterestTumblrLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in autism , comprehension , introductions Tagged Autism , CommunicI got the music in me … . DC is the ultimate music lover . I love this about him because I too have always been a music lover ! Our tastes differ greatly . If one were to look at my music file they might just think it was a file belonging to 4 different people . I love everything from The Osmond Brothers " Down by the Lazy River " ( my Happy song ) and the Spinners " It 's a Shame " ( my other Happy song - I dare you not to dance ! ) to Alice in Chains and Shinedown . Of course , being the geek that I am , I also have to have the Firefly , Dr . Who and Angel TV themes readily available . We do , have some music in common though . When DC was a baby , he was not your average lullaby baby . It took a lot of trial and error to find songs that he enjoyed before bedtime . - This was , of course back when he wanted to hear me sing . Now all I hear is " Mom , please stop singing ! " ( unfortunately , he doesn 't always get his wish ) DC was almost 2 years old . We were flying down to Savannah , GA . and DC was not having any of this ! It was unbearable for us and I 'm sure , much worse for the other passengers . This was also back in the days when you were required to hold your children in your lap . This actually worked in my favor because I could sing into his ear with out traumatizing the rest of the passengers with my voice . " Do your ears hang low ? " and only " Do your ears hang low ? " was acceptable to DC on this flight . Over and over again . I could not switch to another song . There was also the time we were driving home from a weekend in Maine - he was probably a year and a half old . This ride should have been our first indication of how the flight would go months later . I was required to sing " Who are the people in your neighborhood " for hours . I could not deviate from that song . I sang it so many times that I made up an extra verse on the spot . I wish I could remember it as I have to say I remember it being pretty darn good - if I do say so myself . Music has always been a source of calm for him . It still is . It is also a source of joy . If he is not reading a book ( or " playing computer " on the weekends ) he is singing and dancing all over the house . Oftentimes he is reading or watching while singing and dancing . - Okay , admit it , you danced to the Spinners ………… . . I know you did . Full Versions ( because who wouldn 't want to look at James or Kenny again ) Last night I was notified that I had been nominated for a " Liebster Award " by Autism Mom . First and foremost I 'd like to thank Autism Mom for including my blog in her list of nominations . I enjoy reading her blog everyday and I am honored that she takes the time to read and comment on mine . I had never heard of this award before , so after a little bit of searching , I did come across the award and the rules - but many different variations of the rules . Becoming rather confused , I decided to link to Autism Mom 's explanation of this award ( here ) and follow the rules that she used in her piece . - Yes … I took the easy route … Autism - Mom - ( If it is allowed . Autism - Mom would have been on the top of my list even if she had not nominated me . I will assume she will not be required to go through this whole process again . ) " Sharing Autism ideas , news , strategies and tools , and lessons learned from one mom with one child and one experience on the Autism spectrum . " I do know Wendy from Wendy Jane 's Soul Shake , but I haven 't seen her in ( mumble , mumble ) years . I really would love to meet the rest . Although , coffee / Dr . Who Experience in London with Autism Mom would have been right up there on THE top of my list if it had turned out that we would both be in London at the same time ( We won 't be . It was close , but no cigar ) When he was 4 or 5 he stopped eating - completely … . for close to a month . He would not swallow solid food . With a lot of coaxing he would put it in his mouth , but that was as far as it went before he would spit it out . After a few visits to the doctor to be sure this was not a medical issue , I , with the help of his teacher and IA , started looking for ideas to get him to eat again . I bought all of his favorite foods . They worked with him in the classroom . I even resorted to candy . Nothing ! One day , I was making him a steak , one of his favorites at the time . It was right then and there I realized what was going on . He actually looked frightened of the steak . This wasn 't a sensory thing , it was fear . After seeing the look of utter terror on his face I remembered a choking incident with a bagel one morning about a month before . The thing about it was that he didn 't react right away - otherwise I would have figured this out much sooner . He was fine afterwards and even finished the bagel he was eating . I couldn 't pin - point exactly when or why the delayed reaction kicked in but it did and he was afraid to eat . Once I figured out the reason , I was able to help him get back to eating solid food again . We started with pudding and yogurt and just dipped the tip of the spoon in , just so there was a taste on the spoon . I continued this way , increasing the taste on the spoon until he was taking a regular spoonful . I added other foods like applesauce to the menu . When that part was behind us , I started breaking up bread , into almost crumbs , until he realized it was safe for him to eat again . DC used to ride horses . He rode once a week for a good 5 years , if not longer . One day his teacher had him riding in the outdoor rink ( I 'm sure there is a proper name for that , but I am calling it a rink ) - he didn 't ride in the outdoor rink very often . Most of his lessons were inside . When he did ride outdoors , it was usually down the driveway , across the street and up the dead - end road and back . On this particular day in the outdoor rink ( seriously , Kathleen is not going to be happy that I don 't know the proper name ) , his horse spooked , reared up went galloping wildly . It scared him , it scared me , but he stayed on and continued his lesson with no problem . His indoor lesson the following week went well . His ride outside on the driveway route was fine too . It had to be a few months later when they tried to take him out to the outdoor rink that the fear kicked in . He wasn 't having any of it . He acted like he was never on a horse before . After thinking about it for a minute , I remembered and explained his reaction to the assistant . He was a little better once they went back inside but not at the level he was at the beginning of the lesson . The outdoor rink brought out his fear and that fear carried over to the indoor rink . It took a while for him to feel comfortable again . About a year later his horse spooked during his inside lesson . Again , he seemed fine - Me ? - Not so much . I was close to heart failure , but I didn 't let him see that - and rode the full hour as if nothing had happened . But … the following week he was terrified . He continued to be terrified until we finally just gave it up altogether . even though I was relieved to let it go , it was a shame because at one time he really liked it . Horses were one of the few animals he was not afraid of . He was actually pretty good at it . So … over our Christmas vacation , DC got sick . Other than his bouts with his allergies , he rarely gets sick , but when he does , he really goes big ! For a good few days afterward , he really didn 't want to eat at all . He seemed fine otherwise so I wasn 't really sure if he was still not feeling well or if he was just afraid to eat . I believe and still do , that he was # 1 - exhausted from being sick and # 2 - he was afraid and relating his illness to food . As we were on vacation and eating in restaurants daily , this was probably at least partially the case . He was eating lots of things that he doesn 't normally eat , at least not on a daily basis . When he did finally feel like eating at little bit , there were certain foods I wanted him to stay away from so as not to upset his stomach all over again . He continued to be a little bit leery about eating for a good week after we were home . Last week , after going to see the Buddy Holly Story with his friend , BB , we all went out to dinner . DC ordered a cheeseburger with bacon . When it arrived , he removed the bacon and left it on the plate . I asked why , but I couldn 't get an answer . Now , I am almost positive he had bacon at least once since we 'd come home from vacation , so I didn 't really think all that much about it . This week , at the hotel where we were ' Snow - cationing ' , bacon was available on the breakfast buffet . I didn 't really notice it until morning # 3 , but there was no way that DC had not seen it on the previous two mornings . I asked him if he wanted bacon . He started signing " all done " , a sign that he still uses when he REALLY does not want something . I asked him if he was sure . " No , Bacon ! " - while signing more adamantly . " I don 't want to get sick ! I don 't want to get sick ! " . Bacon had been one of the things I did not let him have after he got sick on vacation . Now , in his mind it was the reason he had gotten sick . There were a couple of other people in the breakfast room and I didn 't want him to continue yelling about " getting sick " , so I explained quickly that he did not have to have the bacon , but bacon was not the reason he became ill on vacation . He was getting more and more anxious about it , so I just let it go . Copyright © Take Another Step and Taking a Step at a Time - Autism , 2013 - Present . Unauthorized use and / or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog 's author and / or owner is strictly prohibited . Excerpts and links may be used , provided that full and clear credit is given to Vickie San Soucie and Taking It a Step at a Time - Autism with appropriate and specific direction to the original content . . . . and sometimes a smile is all that we need # 1000speak # Compassion " Mom , do you love meeee ? " Will there be cake ? Opinions , Opinions and More Opinions Understanding Death Is Not Like a Disney Movie Everything is Related - Dr . Who Book Store Blues Not the ' Real ' Autism ? It may not be all about the cake . . . In the merry old land of OZ - October reruns # FBF Take Another Step Take Another Step The red balloons are all over town today . The red balloons that DC loves to much … . It must be close to ' Co - lation ' ( Graduation ) Day at the high school … . From June 2015 : We may never pass this way again - Happy ' Co - lation ' It 's that time of year when the red balloons decorate mailboxes all over town , [… ] Having grown up in the 60 's and 70 's , I was very aware of the Vietnam War . I may not have understood the politics of it , but I was acutely aware of the turmoil that was going on in the country at the time . I do remember desperately wanting to be a " hippie " so that I [ … ] Back in the " Olden Days " , stimming was actually something that we ( parents and the school system ) worked hard to stop . We were trying to normalize ( their word , not mine ) our children - we did not know any better . In our minds , we were trying to overcome autism and teach our children to behave the [ … ] DC always has written me little notes or drawn me pictures of hearts and flowers . Some of the time it happens when he thinks he might be in trouble for something but I do also get notes and flowers occasionally for no reason at all . Lately , any time there is a craft or project to be [ … ] At 24 years of age , DC started having seizures . * * I worried about this when he was younger as I knew autism and seizures often go hand in hand . I had also always heard that in many cases , if your child has seizures when they are younger , they might stop when they hit puberty or if [ … ] I never felt as if I had a " hometown " . Of course I do , but I don 't have a special affinity to the town where I was born . We moved away from the town where I was born when my mother re - married . I was five and my brother was 4 . We moved away from her hometown [ … ] The following was written a few years back . It was written more about the discourse within the autism community and not about autism awareness or acceptance . In actuality , I suppose it could be looked at as a piece supporting the awareness , acceptance and respecting the differences in the ways parents view autism . There is far [ … ] Copyright © Take Another Step and Taking a Step at a Time - Autism , 2013 - Present . Unauthorized use and / or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog 's author and / or owner is strictly prohibited . Excerpts and links may be used , provided that full and clear credit is given to Vickie and Taking It a Step at a Time - Autism with appropriate and specific direction to the original content . |
I always had an affinity for the Mr . Spock character . I loved his no - nonsense purely logical way of looking at things . I especially loved the episodes where he was confused and / or outright annoyed by human behavior - A piece of the action comes to mind . I remember being sad when the show went off the air . But all was not lost ! 10 years later " Star Trek the Motion Picture " was set to be released . I anxiously awaited opening day and although I admit I was a little bit disappointed in the film , I was thrilled to see all of my favorite characters again . The movies that followed were so much better than the first " Motion Picture " and I saw each and every one of them more than once until the 2009 release of Star Trek the updated prequel . It was there that I stopped . Nothing against the movie or the actors . I 'm sure it was and they were just wonderful . I just did not want to see new actors playing the parts of my favorite characters . I remember when The Next Generation was being advertised . I was outraged that anyone would try to create a new Star Trek even if the person creating it was Gene Roddenberry himself . How Dare He ? ! ! ! My boyfriend at the time , knowing how much I loved Star Trek taped it and brought it to my house for me to watch . I flatly refused . I would NEVER watch a " fake " Star Trek , Never ! Not only was Mr . Spock my favorite character but I really loved Leonard Nimoy the actor . He was the only reason I was at all interested in watching Mission Impossible ( the TV show ) . I grew to love the show , but Leonard got me there . I will also never forget being glued to the TV watching " In Search Of … " . That Spock character resonates a bit more with me now that it did back then , if you can believe that possible . Having a child with autism has made me view Mr . Spock in an entirely different light . His matter - of - fact , logical , no grey area persona reminds me a bit of my son . It reminds me of the way many people perceive people with autism . However , like many people with autism , in spite of that matter - of - fact , no grey area , logical approach he had to life , his duties , his interaction with others , Mr . Spock showed compassion , empathy and yes , even friendship to those around him - in his own way . Leonard Nimoy was one of my childhood heroes and I suppose you can say that I carried that adoration with me into adulthood . I was heartbroken to hear of his passing . There will never be another like him . It may be silly to you but I really feel that a piece of my childhood is gone forever - a small piece that I will never be able to get back . ( The weekend we attended " Shore Leave " , Leonard Nimoy was scheduled to appear via Skype on Sunday . We had already spent Friday and Saturday there and I was not sure DC could make it another day . We also had a very long drive home , so we opted out for Sunday . I am still so disappointed that I missed my only opportunity to see Mr . Nimoy , but he will - live forever in my heart ) I was a little bit apprehensive when it occurred to me that it was time to start taking him to have his eyes examined . He was not verbal at all and was not very cooperative with doctors . His pediatrician would strategically place wastepaper pails around the examining room when DC was due to come in for an appointment because he would work himself up to vomiting - everywhere - every time . Even now , though so much more agreeable , I do still have to bring reinforcements - his Dad and Doug , when he has to have a shot The 4 of us go marching into the examination room along with a nurse and the doctor . As hard as we try , we can not hold onto this boy . The doctor really just ends up chasing him around the room in the hopes of getting a lucky shot . I will always remember a little girl that was in DC 's Birth to 3 class . She was just a tiny little thing , with the strongest , thickest glasses I have ever seen . She , like DC was non - verbal . Even with those thick , thick glasses , the teachers had to get right up in her face so she could see them . I remember one day , walking into DC 's classroom to visit ( I worked 5 minutes away and visited often ) and there she was without the glasses ! Her mother explained that she had changed eye doctors just recently and the new doctor had determined that she did not need glasses at all , she never did ! So needless to say , I really wasn 't looking forward to having DC 's eyes examined . I finally thought I found a doctor that understood the situation and brought DC to his first appointment . The doctor did say that his vision was not 20 / 20 and he would probably need glasses eventually . It would be helpful but not 100 % necessary at this time . He did suggest that I may want to do it now so he had the chance to get used to them . That is what I did . It really did not take that long for him to get used to the glasses and his teacher reported that he was much more focused in the classroom . I must say , he is and has always been very good with his glasses . He has not lost or broken any pair he 's had over the years ( knocking wood ) . The last few times DC needed a new prescription and while we were still going to the doctor mentioned above , I opted to just change the lenses in his frames . Some changes are not all that difficult for him , but when it comes to glasses , shoes or switching seasonal coats and jackets , he has a hard time . It was becoming apparent that these frames were not going to last very much longer , so it was time to find a new doctor and get new frames , whether he needed a new prescription or not . We found a new eye doctor that came highly recommended by my brother and sister - in - law . It was just amazing how smoothly this appointment went . I did not even have to explain to the doctor that given the choice of two options , he will almost always choose the last one , just because it is the last thing he heard . We were in and out in less than an hour , where as if we had gone to his previous doctor , this exam would have taken two very long visits and then the follow up visits to correct what they had done incorrectly . Our previous doctor had an optical shop on site . This new doctor did not , so off we went to a department store where plenty of other people I knew bought their glasses . We started the process of trying on different frames . As expected , DC was anxious . He yelled " No ! " to each and every pair that he tried on . Now it is never really clear if he just does not like the frames or if he is saying " no " because the sample frames just have regular glass in them and he can 't see . I have tried to explain this to him many times , but I am really not sure that he understands . I do not know if he was just tired of trying on frames or if he actually liked the pair that he had on his face at that moment , but he finally said " Yes " ! The girl who was helping us was so very excited - " He said ' yes ' ! " Once she said that out loud , he went back to " No " . I had a " yes " for a minute , I wasn 't going to let it go that easily . I asked him to look in the mirror . He did . A customer that must have been listening to this whole exchange ( how could one miss it ? ) told him that he looked very handsome in those glasses . He was sold . We sat down to place our order . At this point DC had enough and it was time for a panicked sprint to the restroom with me running behind yelling for him to slow down , as he raced to the other end of the store . He does this when he becomes overwhelmed . It is also his way of trying to get out of doing something he doesn 't want to do . I assumed I was in for the long haul as much of my life is spent standing outside the men 's room or yelling into the men 's room . To my surprise , he calmed down relatively quickly for him , but I am certain the girl waiting to finish our order was probably thinking we had skipped out on her . We finally made it back to complete the order and were told his glasses would be ready in less than a week . I was home from work by the time they arrived home . DC walked in wearing his old glasses carrying the new glasses in the case . He didn 't realize that now that he had the new glasses , he was actually supposed to wear them . I don 't really know what he thought he was supposed to do with them , but wearing them was not on the list . I asked to see them . I asked him to put them on and explained to him that his old glasses were ready to fall apart and he should start wearing the new ones . He put them on and I put his old glasses in the case and stored them away just in case we ever needed a temporary pair . He was fine for a little while , but later came into the kitchen looking around very determined to find something . I asked what he was looking for and he replied " Glasses " . He was looking for his old glasses . He still did not understand that he was supposed to be wearing the new ones . I really was beginning to think that this was going to be more difficult than I originally thought . I explained again that his old glasses were going to fall apart and this is why I bought him new glasses . He has to wear the new ones . He should be able to see much better wearing the new pair too . Just like that , he left the kitchen and never asked for the old glasses again . I was impressed . This had to be the easiest transition to anything we 've ever experienced . I was not going to participate until I read this post yesterday - A Story of Compassion by Kenya G . Johnson ( please read it . It is well worth your time ) . It was a story about how one small gesture from one teacher made a difference in her life . This post led me to think about a teacher I had in the 7th grade . Before I begin , I have to say that I did enjoy elementary school . I know it is not going to sound like it . I had fun with my friends , the fun was much easier to be had when I could just blend into the background , not waiting to be the second to last person chosen for basketball , dodge ball or any other activity . I enjoyed elementary school because I had very good friends , many of whom remain good friends to this day . As someone who never felt as though I fit in anywhere , they were my sanctuary . No one could have had better friends . They will be in my heart , mind and life forever . Yes , we 've all lost track of each other from time to time over the years but we always seem to find our way back to each other . I am thankful to all of them for being there then and now . If you were to look up " low self - esteem " or " lack of self - confidence " , I am sure my photo - if I enjoyed having my picture taken that is , would be there right there next to the definition . I have been told by a few people these days that I hide that fact very well . Maybe I do , maybe not , but back when I was young , I am sure I did not do the best job of hiding it . For reasons I will not get into here , I am the epitome of low self - esteem and lack of self - confidence . Always have been , always will be . At times this was almost debilitating - not almost , it was . It still can be now to some extent . I spent most of my time in elementary school hiding behind others . I didn 't want to be noticed . I didn 't want people to see my clothes , my shoes , my sneakers or me in general . I didn 't have older sisters , but that did not keep the hand - me - downs from coming from cousins and a step - aunt who worked at a high school - she would go " shopping " in the lost and found . I didn 't feel comfortable around people . I didn 't feel comfortable anywhere . Sometime around the 5th grade I began gaining weight . This just drove my already low self - esteem into the ground . By the 7th grade I had gained a pretty good amount of weight . I was even more miserable than I had ever been . I will never forget my 7th grade teacher , Mr . Holmes . At the time , I did not understand why he would single me out for things - good things , activities that anyone else would have been happy to be involved in . I didn 't want any part of this and thought he really must not like me very much to keep forcing me to get involved in things with some of the other kids when he had to know how uncomfortable it was for me . I remember one time when there were a couple of seats available for the 8th grade class trip . The powers that be left it to the 7th grade teachers to choose a couple of students to go on this trip with the 8th graders . Mr . Holmes chose me . I had no idea why he would choose me . I was sure some of the more popular kids would have been very happy to go with their also popular 8th grade friends . Instead of being happy to have been chosen , my reaction went to the " Why are you doing this to me ? " side of the spectrum . As if I didn 't feel like an outcast enough with my own classmates , now I had to spend the day with the 8th graders ! The day of the annual hearing testing came . Each student had to report to the hearing test center , which was in the nurse 's office . When one student completed his / her test , he / she was sent back to the classroom with the name of the next student to be tested . " Martin " came back to Mr . Holmes ' classroom and announced " They want to see the fat one " ( that would be me ) . I tried to look like it didn 't bother me as I got up and had to walk out of the classroom in front of everyone . I don 't know what happened after I left the classroom , I never asked I really didn 't want to know - I just wanted to wipe it from my memory and everyone else 's as well ( Where 's Dr . Who when you need him ? ) . If you think it was uncomfortable walking out of the classroom it was 100 times worse having to walk back in and announce the next name , while still trying to look as if what " Martin " said did not faze me in the least . People stared at me but it was not mentioned . I really was thankful for that . As the school year went on I found that I was much more comfortable in the classroom . This was partially due to the fact that I had lost a good portion of the weight I had gained , which I had already begun losing when " Martin " made his announcement . Also because I felt like I had gotten to know the other students in the classroom better having been thrown together with them so often for activities . …… and really , I can not remember anything else he said . I was flabbergasted , mortified , but strangely - a bit proud that someone was actually saying nice things about me to other people ! I understood right then and there what he tried to do for me the entire year . He saw a problem and tried to help correct it by trying and succeeding a bit to get me to come out of my shell , to not feel so very uncomfortable , to feel like I fit in by including me in everything he could find to include me in and putting me together with students other than my friends and outside of my comfort zone . I am not going to say that I turned a corner that day and everything was just fine , but I will say that he did help me to come out of my shell if only a little bit . I am proud to have had him as a teacher and all of these years later I have not forgotten that he made that speech or how he went out of his way to try to help me feel like I was just as good as anyone else . I will never forget him . I am sure I was not the only person he singled out and I was not his mission in life . I am sure I was just oblivious to everyone else he was trying to help at the time . There was one boy I was not oblivious to … the boy that came to our classroom everyday before the lunch bell rang . He came every day to pick a lunch made for him by Mr . Holmes . It 's been one of those weeks …… Enough said … . . and just because I needed a laugh , I decided to post yet another rerun . The following was posted back in April 2013 - but it still makes me laugh … . DC loves to make introductions . I don 't believe he really understands the point of introducing people . He notices people making introductions in the movies he watches and in the books that he reads . It doesn 't matter if the people he is introducing already know each other . It doesn 't matter if he knows they already know each other , when he gets to urge to make introductions , he does . He is usually very formal about it as well - " I would like to introduce my mother , Vickie Lastname " or " It is my pleasure to introduce to you , my mother , Vickie Lastname " or ( my favorite ) " Please allow me to introduce my ' lov - er - ly ' mother , Vickie Lastname " Recently we attended a pasta dinner fundraiser to benefit the summer camp DC has attended since he was 5 years old . We purchased enough tickets for DC , Doug , my mother and myself and we sold a few more to friends and family members . Seated with DC and I were , - My mother ( DC 's grandmother ) - Doug ( who was also pulling DJ duty ) - DC 's grandparents on his Dad 's side - DC 's Dad - Tracy - DC 's stepmother ( His Dad 's wife . I generally do not use the stepmother title to describe her because DC is so very much into Disney that there is no explaining to him that all stepmothers are not evil ) Karr - ee - anna - in DC - speak - DC 's Aunt K - Her husband R - My friend Tonya - and DC 's friend , Salli Due to the crowd , Doug 's father and sister had moved over to the next table . DC was very excited that everyone was there at the same time . He sat at the table as if he were " holding court " . He then decided that introductions were in order . Turning his attention to his father , Tracy : " Tracy , this is my mother Vickie Lastname " and " Vickie , I would like to introduce you to my father , Tracy ( same ) Lastname " ~ Insert Dramatic Pause ~ Me : " Um ……. " we 've met …………………… . . " Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleRedditPinterestTumblrLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in autism , comprehension , introductions Tagged Autism , CommunicI got the music in me … . DC is the ultimate music lover . I love this about him because I too have always been a music lover ! Our tastes differ greatly . If one were to look at my music file they might just think it was a file belonging to 4 different people . I love everything from The Osmond Brothers " Down by the Lazy River " ( my Happy song ) and the Spinners " It 's a Shame " ( my other Happy song - I dare you not to dance ! ) to Alice in Chains and Shinedown . Of course , being the geek that I am , I also have to have the Firefly , Dr . Who and Angel TV themes readily available . We do , have some music in common though . When DC was a baby , he was not your average lullaby baby . It took a lot of trial and error to find songs that he enjoyed before bedtime . - This was , of course back when he wanted to hear me sing . Now all I hear is " Mom , please stop singing ! " ( unfortunately , he doesn 't always get his wish ) DC was almost 2 years old . We were flying down to Savannah , GA . and DC was not having any of this ! It was unbearable for us and I 'm sure , much worse for the other passengers . This was also back in the days when you were required to hold your children in your lap . This actually worked in my favor because I could sing into his ear with out traumatizing the rest of the passengers with my voice . " Do your ears hang low ? " and only " Do your ears hang low ? " was acceptable to DC on this flight . Over and over again . I could not switch to another song . There was also the time we were driving home from a weekend in Maine - he was probably a year and a half old . This ride should have been our first indication of how the flight would go months later . I was required to sing " Who are the people in your neighborhood " for hours . I could not deviate from that song . I sang it so many times that I made up an extra verse on the spot . I wish I could remember it as I have to say I remember it being pretty darn good - if I do say so myself . Music has always been a source of calm for him . It still is . It is also a source of joy . If he is not reading a book ( or " playing computer " on the weekends ) he is singing and dancing all over the house . Oftentimes he is reading or watching while singing and dancing . - Okay , admit it , you danced to the Spinners ………… . . I know you did . Full Versions ( because who wouldn 't want to look at James or Kenny again ) Last night I was notified that I had been nominated for a " Liebster Award " by Autism Mom . First and foremost I 'd like to thank Autism Mom for including my blog in her list of nominations . I enjoy reading her blog everyday and I am honored that she takes the time to read and comment on mine . I had never heard of this award before , so after a little bit of searching , I did come across the award and the rules - but many different variations of the rules . Becoming rather confused , I decided to link to Autism Mom 's explanation of this award ( here ) and follow the rules that she used in her piece . - Yes … I took the easy route … Autism - Mom - ( If it is allowed . Autism - Mom would have been on the top of my list even if she had not nominated me . I will assume she will not be required to go through this whole process again . ) " Sharing Autism ideas , news , strategies and tools , and lessons learned from one mom with one child and one experience on the Autism spectrum . " I do know Wendy from Wendy Jane 's Soul Shake , but I haven 't seen her in ( mumble , mumble ) years . I really would love to meet the rest . Although , coffee / Dr . Who Experience in London with Autism Mom would have been right up there on THE top of my list if it had turned out that we would both be in London at the same time ( We won 't be . It was close , but no cigar ) When he was 4 or 5 he stopped eating - completely … . for close to a month . He would not swallow solid food . With a lot of coaxing he would put it in his mouth , but that was as far as it went before he would spit it out . After a few visits to the doctor to be sure this was not a medical issue , I , with the help of his teacher and IA , started looking for ideas to get him to eat again . I bought all of his favorite foods . They worked with him in the classroom . I even resorted to candy . Nothing ! One day , I was making him a steak , one of his favorites at the time . It was right then and there I realized what was going on . He actually looked frightened of the steak . This wasn 't a sensory thing , it was fear . After seeing the look of utter terror on his face I remembered a choking incident with a bagel one morning about a month before . The thing about it was that he didn 't react right away - otherwise I would have figured this out much sooner . He was fine afterwards and even finished the bagel he was eating . I couldn 't pin - point exactly when or why the delayed reaction kicked in but it did and he was afraid to eat . Once I figured out the reason , I was able to help him get back to eating solid food again . We started with pudding and yogurt and just dipped the tip of the spoon in , just so there was a taste on the spoon . I continued this way , increasing the taste on the spoon until he was taking a regular spoonful . I added other foods like applesauce to the menu . When that part was behind us , I started breaking up bread , into almost crumbs , until he realized it was safe for him to eat again . DC used to ride horses . He rode once a week for a good 5 years , if not longer . One day his teacher had him riding in the outdoor rink ( I 'm sure there is a proper name for that , but I am calling it a rink ) - he didn 't ride in the outdoor rink very often . Most of his lessons were inside . When he did ride outdoors , it was usually down the driveway , across the street and up the dead - end road and back . On this particular day in the outdoor rink ( seriously , Kathleen is not going to be happy that I don 't know the proper name ) , his horse spooked , reared up went galloping wildly . It scared him , it scared me , but he stayed on and continued his lesson with no problem . His indoor lesson the following week went well . His ride outside on the driveway route was fine too . It had to be a few months later when they tried to take him out to the outdoor rink that the fear kicked in . He wasn 't having any of it . He acted like he was never on a horse before . After thinking about it for a minute , I remembered and explained his reaction to the assistant . He was a little better once they went back inside but not at the level he was at the beginning of the lesson . The outdoor rink brought out his fear and that fear carried over to the indoor rink . It took a while for him to feel comfortable again . About a year later his horse spooked during his inside lesson . Again , he seemed fine - Me ? - Not so much . I was close to heart failure , but I didn 't let him see that - and rode the full hour as if nothing had happened . But … the following week he was terrified . He continued to be terrified until we finally just gave it up altogether . even though I was relieved to let it go , it was a shame because at one time he really liked it . Horses were one of the few animals he was not afraid of . He was actually pretty good at it . So … over our Christmas vacation , DC got sick . Other than his bouts with his allergies , he rarely gets sick , but when he does , he really goes big ! For a good few days afterward , he really didn 't want to eat at all . He seemed fine otherwise so I wasn 't really sure if he was still not feeling well or if he was just afraid to eat . I believe and still do , that he was # 1 - exhausted from being sick and # 2 - he was afraid and relating his illness to food . As we were on vacation and eating in restaurants daily , this was probably at least partially the case . He was eating lots of things that he doesn 't normally eat , at least not on a daily basis . When he did finally feel like eating at little bit , there were certain foods I wanted him to stay away from so as not to upset his stomach all over again . He continued to be a little bit leery about eating for a good week after we were home . Last week , after going to see the Buddy Holly Story with his friend , BB , we all went out to dinner . DC ordered a cheeseburger with bacon . When it arrived , he removed the bacon and left it on the plate . I asked why , but I couldn 't get an answer . Now , I am almost positive he had bacon at least once since we 'd come home from vacation , so I didn 't really think all that much about it . This week , at the hotel where we were ' Snow - cationing ' , bacon was available on the breakfast buffet . I didn 't really notice it until morning # 3 , but there was no way that DC had not seen it on the previous two mornings . I asked him if he wanted bacon . He started signing " all done " , a sign that he still uses when he REALLY does not want something . I asked him if he was sure . " No , Bacon ! " - while signing more adamantly . " I don 't want to get sick ! I don 't want to get sick ! " . Bacon had been one of the things I did not let him have after he got sick on vacation . Now , in his mind it was the reason he had gotten sick . There were a couple of other people in the breakfast room and I didn 't want him to continue yelling about " getting sick " , so I explained quickly that he did not have to have the bacon , but bacon was not the reason he became ill on vacation . He was getting more and more anxious about it , so I just let it go . Copyright © Take Another Step and Taking a Step at a Time - Autism , 2013 - Present . Unauthorized use and / or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog 's author and / or owner is strictly prohibited . Excerpts and links may be used , provided that full and clear credit is given to Vickie San Soucie and Taking It a Step at a Time - Autism with appropriate and specific direction to the original content . . . . and sometimes a smile is all that we need # 1000speak # Compassion " Mom , do you love meeee ? " Will there be cake ? Opinions , Opinions and More Opinions Understanding Death Is Not Like a Disney Movie Everything is Related - Dr . Who Book Store Blues Not the ' Real ' Autism ? It may not be all about the cake . . . In the merry old land of OZ - October reruns # FBF Take Another Step Take Another Step The red balloons are all over town today . The red balloons that DC loves to much … . It must be close to ' Co - lation ' ( Graduation ) Day at the high school … . From June 2015 : We may never pass this way again - Happy ' Co - lation ' It 's that time of year when the red balloons decorate mailboxes all over town , [… ] Having grown up in the 60 's and 70 's , I was very aware of the Vietnam War . I may not have understood the politics of it , but I was acutely aware of the turmoil that was going on in the country at the time . I do remember desperately wanting to be a " hippie " so that I [ … ] Back in the " Olden Days " , stimming was actually something that we ( parents and the school system ) worked hard to stop . We were trying to normalize ( their word , not mine ) our children - we did not know any better . In our minds , we were trying to overcome autism and teach our children to behave the [ … ] DC always has written me little notes or drawn me pictures of hearts and flowers . Some of the time it happens when he thinks he might be in trouble for something but I do also get notes and flowers occasionally for no reason at all . Lately , any time there is a craft or project to be [ … ] At 24 years of age , DC started having seizures . * * I worried about this when he was younger as I knew autism and seizures often go hand in hand . I had also always heard that in many cases , if your child has seizures when they are younger , they might stop when they hit puberty or if [ … ] I never felt as if I had a " hometown " . Of course I do , but I don 't have a special affinity to the town where I was born . We moved away from the town where I was born when my mother re - married . I was five and my brother was 4 . We moved away from her hometown [ … ] The following was written a few years back . It was written more about the discourse within the autism community and not about autism awareness or acceptance . In actuality , I suppose it could be looked at as a piece supporting the awareness , acceptance and respecting the differences in the ways parents view autism . There is far [ … ] Copyright © Take Another Step and Taking a Step at a Time - Autism , 2013 - Present . Unauthorized use and / or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog 's author and / or owner is strictly prohibited . Excerpts and links may be used , provided that full and clear credit is given to Vickie and Taking It a Step at a Time - Autism with appropriate and specific direction to the original content . |
Hi ! My name is Scottie . Scottie Sooner . Cute name , huh ? I chose it myself . The new person I have chosen to live with let me put my paw on the slips of paper on I 'm a burglar . A cat burglar , to be exact . Oh , don 't get me wrong ; I don 't steal CATS , I steal other things , but I work with stealth and quiet , like a cat . ended up with my working for the government . They told me I had two choices : Jail , or cooperation . I cooperated . They gave me tougher and tougher assignments . My last one involved breaking into a file cabinet in an embassy belonging to a very hostile country . The FBI saw me go in the building , but they never saw me leave . That had to do with the fact that I got caught in the act . A nine - millimeter hand cannon with a silencer is a terrible thing to meet up with in the middle of the night , and I distinctly remember the cruel , mocking face behind the sights , just before he pulled the trigger . How could my FBI tail know I , or what was left of me , was in the dumpster the garbage truck picked up that morning ? What amazed me even more was that * I * knew my " corpus delecti " was in the garbage truck chugging out of the embassy compound . Let me back up a little . I grew up in a small midwestern town . My childhood was neither distinguished nor exceptional . My one oddity was my love for crime and spy stories . I read every book on those subjects in our little library . Those books always pointed to other books on all sorts of topics , so I was extremely widely - read . You would think that would help my academic performance , but school just didn 't interest me much . I was quite the loner , my nose in a book and ignoring the world around me . After I graduated from high school , I joined the U . S . Navy . Uncle Sam 's Yacht Club . Did you know that the vast majority of navy recruits are from the landlocked states and have never seen blue water before their first cruise ? I did very well on my aptitude tests and had a choice of assignments . I asked for security , figuring I 'd be some sort of policeman . What I became was a locksmith . Let me assure you , there are hundreds of thousands of locks of all types on an aircraft carrier , and someone has to make sure they work . That is While I became expert at the mechanical side of my job , I studied the psychological aspect of the people around me regarding locks . What type of locks did they use ? Did they always lock them ? Why or why not ? What type of lock did they use for specific purposes ? Did they choose a big lock for more important stuff ? And Both my parents were killed in an accident while I was on my last Navy cruise . They left me exactly zilch , nada , nothing . It wasn 't that they cut me off ; they just didn 't own anything much in the world . After 4 years in the Navy , I was ready for a change . I drove to the largest city near my home and started some research . I went to the largest cemetery in town and found the graves of women who died in childbirth , and their male children who died within a few hours or days . I chose a woman who had died three years after my own birth . I went to the county courthouse and got a certified birth certificate for the baby . With it , I got a social security card , and then a driver 's license . I searched the newspapers until I found a story about a high school that had burned down , and claimed that I had graduated from there but the records were lost . With all this , I joined the U . S . Army , and this time I DID become an MP . I spent four years learning all about police work , and traveling around the world some more . After my hitch was up , I was honorably discharged and promptly pulled the new birth certificate routine again . I had a new name , a new birthday another 2 years younger , a new driver 's license , and a new ambition . I wanted to be rich . I moved to Los Angeles and got a job in a police supply store . As a locksmith and an ex - MP , I had a pretty good acquaintance with all sorts of police and security equipment , not to mention handguns . I worked quietly , listened to the police chatter , and studied my surroundings . One day , one of the officers mentioned having to check regularly on a certain mansion in a wealthy part of town . Seems the actress who owned it was on a shoot on location in Europe . I checked some records , found the address , and went and looked it over . And studied . And two nights later , I easily opened the supposedly locked back door , disarmed the alarm , and spent an hour inside " shopping . " When I left , the alarm was armed , the door was locked , and the safe was closed . . . but empty . It took me six months to get rid of all the jewels from that job , but when it was gone , I had almost a million dollars in my Grand Cayman bank account . The actress had had very generous lovers over the years who had showered her with very expensive baubles . I quit my job , visited another actress ' mansion I had heard the police mention , drove my car over a cliff on the Pacific Coast Highway , and moved to Hawaii . Of course , I had visited a cemetery and the county courthouse and public library before I left . I was a new man again . My new home in Hawaii was wonderful . I had hated winter more with each passing year , and life in continual summer was paradise . I bought a nice little beachfront cottage near Waikiki ( a mere $ 275 , 000 ) and spent my days on the beach , or in the hammock on the porch , or traveling around the islands seeing the places I had read about in high school . Often , in the evenings , I would eat dinner at a favorite restaurant , go for a moonlit stroll on the beach , and have a drink or two at one of the touristy watering holes . I carefully avoided making friends , and I worked very hard at being inconspicuous . If anyone asked , I had inherited a small fortune from my parents , and modest investments were paying off enough to make it unnecessary for me to work . Whenever my Grand Cayman bank account fell below a million dollars ( this was a psychological quirk on my part ) , I would spend a few nights in one of the posh hotels in the islands . Waikiki was a good bet , but I had some other favorites : the Sheraton in Princeville , on Kauai , for example . After a few evenings of careful observation , I would visit one wealthy guest 's suite and relieve him of some financial burdens . I rarely did more than two per year , and I thoroughly enjoyed listening to the baffled detectives on TV describing the crime . They never had a clue that one person was responsible for most of their high - dollar burglaries . In fact , the lack of evidence led several times to my victim being investigated for insurance fraud . One or two were even guilty of it , having claimed more was stolen than I really got . Then , one day , a heavy footstep on my wooden porch awoke me from my afternoon reveries . I opened one eye to see an officious sort of man in a gray suit and very highly polished shoes standing next to my hammock . I assumed he was a police detective ; who else would wear a suit in Hawaii ? " Would you please step inside , Mr . White ? I 'd like to have a few words with you . " He made a gesture to the white sedan parked in the street , and three more men in gray suits unfolded themselves from the cramped quarters , stood , and made their way up to my door . One of the men carried a large briefcase . When we were all seated around the kitchen table , the one with the briefcase opened it up and started making a series of little piles of papers on the table . I watched in some consternation . This surely wasn 't the Hawaii police , was it ? It looked more like the IRS , to me . " Now then , Mr . White , " began the first gray suit . " Or should I say Mr . Zulwicki ? Or Mr . Petari ? Or is it Mr . Hammond ? Could it be Mr . Frederick ? How about Mr . Marchand ? " His tone was puzzling . He had just gone through all my names , from the time I was in high school . I should be in a lot of trouble , but he clearly wasn 't threatening me , and his eyes had a twinkle under a slightly raised eyebrow . " Mr . White , here you see the evidence we have gathered against you . We know your whole career . Here we see you in the Navy , serving your country well . " " Here we see you serving in the Army . Again , you did an excellent job . Unfortunately , you joined under fraudulent circumstances , which is a federal offense . " " Here we see you working in Los Angeles . Your employer was very happy with your work and was sorry to see you go . Of course , he didn 't know that you had used information you apparently picked up in his place of business to commit two very large burglaries . " I showed a little interest in the papers , in spite of myself . They ran from my job application , to the newspaper clippings about the burglaries , to a photo of my burned car being pulled out of the Pacific ocean . These guys were thorough ! This file showed every aspect of my current life . It also included the two aliases I used to check into the hotels I burglarized . He let me shuffle through the file , and I was amazed to see they had every burglary I had committed . This was a terrible blow to my self - confidence . I thought I had been so clever ! ! ! " No , no , I 'm not the police ! " he laughed . " You can call me ' Breaker , ' which is my current code name . I am a special field agent of the FBI , as is one of my colleagues here . " At this , he pulled out a badge . " Let me assure you , " continued Breaker , " we have not talked to the local constabulary about you . They are totally in the dark about your activities . If we hadn 't had your fingerprints from your stints in the military , we might be , too , but once we had those , we had no difficulty tracking down your history . These locals are good people , but too prone to taking themselves seriously . " " We actually admire your work . You seem to be basically an honest person who has an odd skill . In return for keeping the law enforcement types ignorant of your history , we ask a small favor in return . " " Ah , no , Mr . White . But I think you will agree our requests are quite reasonable , and may even be enjoyable to you . So long as you perform to our satisfaction , we will make sure you don 't fall into the hands of those who would like to deprive you of your freedom . " His eyes still twinkled , but there was a hard look to his features , too . " Here 's your first assignment , Mr . White . " Breaker handed me a sheaf of papers , photographs , and maps . " We will meet you back here in a week . Please do your best , and you will be serving your country well , again ! " After Breaker and his cohorts had gone , I perused the papers he left me . I was still more than a little puzzled . Why would they want me to do work for them , when I was clearly just a cat burglar ? The second sheet was a photo of one John Doe . Imagine my shock to finally see a photo of this much discussed but elusive character ! Actually , it was an American middle man of dubious identity ( I could sympathize with that ! ) to whom the operatives in Washington had passed the purloined papers . His home had been raided , but he had apparently carried the most valuable documents with him . He had fled , but had been tracked to Hawaii . He was believed to be staying at one of the Waikiki hotels , waiting for another contact to pass the papers to . The third sheet made me give a low whistle . It was a brief description of the papers I was looking for . They involved a new design for a submarine of radical design . That was all I needed to know . The old Navy loyalty tugged at my conscience . At dinner time , I headed down to the beach hotels . If I were trying to blend in and be inconspicuous , where would I go ? I wouldn 't go to the Hilton Hawaiian Village ; too many foreign tourists there . In fact , that was a problem all up and down Waikiki . I thought the " Pink Palace , " one of the oldest hotels on the beach , would be a good bet . I went and picked up a small bouquet of roses , then headed down to the Pink Palace and sat in the lobby , near the entrance to the restaurant . I put on my best " I 'm just waiting for my blind date , who is late , and may have stood me up " look . I searched the faces of everyone entering and leaving the restaurant , as if I were looking for someone I didn 't quite know , but who had been described to me . Which was kind of the truth . I sat by the entry to the restaurant for almost 3 hours , with no luck . Finally I had to abandon my post to answer the demands of my bladder . I almost had an embarrassing incident at the urinal when I looked up at the gentlemen who had just come up to the urinal next to me . John Doe ! In the quick glance to my right , I had recognized John Doe . I tried to maintain decorum and restroom etiquette by not staring at him , or even glancing back in his direction . However , when he walked away , I quickly but surreptitiously followed as he headed for the door . He stepped out into the hall , and after a moment , I followed . I saw him disappearing around a corner and hurried a little to keep up . I soon caught a glance of his retreating back as he returned to the restaurant . He made his way to a table at which sat a stunningly beautiful woman . He retrieved his credit card from the waiter 's tray , signed his credit slip with a showy flourish , and helped his companion rise from the table . I followed the couple as they headed for the elevators . They were the only ones that boarded it , so I didn 't try to get on , but watched where it stopped . It made only one stop , on the third floor , and then headed back down . When I saw that it was empty , I dashed for the stairs and ran up them three at a time most of the way . As I exited the stairwell , I heard a door close down the hall to my right . Unfortunately , I couldn 't be sure that was where John Doe had gone . I tiptoed down the hall , listening a little at each door , to see if I could determine his location . No luck . I rode the elevator back down to the lobby , walked outside , and re - entered the lobby . I strode purposefully to the desk and asked for a room . Fortunately , this was a weeknight , and plenty were available . I made the desk clerk show me a floor plan of the third floor and chose a room near where I figured John Doe was staying . I told the clerk I wanted to get as close as possible to the room I had had on my honeymoon , as this visit was a second honeymoon trip . Back on the third floor , I opened the door to my room and went in . I crossed to the window , opened it , and leaned out . No balconies , and no foliage to hide me as I climbed up outside . That route was out . Sure enough , about a half hour later , I heard a door open just down the hall . I put my eye to the crack , and saw John Doe exiting the room two doors away . He held the door as the rental beauty ( for such she was , I was sure ) followed him into the hall . He pulled the door closed , checked that it was locked , and the two of them headed for the elevator . As soon as the elevator door closed behind them , I was at the door . I took only 5 seconds to pick the lock . I eased the door open and cautiously stepped into the room . No one there , as I suspected . I closed and re - locked the door . Now to ply my trade . I slipped my hands into tight latex gloves , got out my tiny flashlight , and began a search of the room . I found nothing on the desk or table or dresser . The bathroom yielded nothing , either . His luggage was in the closet . I quickly picked the locks and searched the contents . I found what I thought was a secret pocket , but it was empty . The moment the key went in the lock , my careful preparation and long practice went into play . I dived for the window side of the bed , where the bedcovers were trailing on the floor . I scooted under them , next to the bed . There was no room to get under the bed , but I was hidden from any casual view . I listened as John Doe opened the door and entered the room . He was alone , so he must have just gone downstairs and put his pal of the plenteous pulchritude in a taxi . I watched Doe 's feet as he entered the room . He wore expensive Italian loafers and black silk socks . He walked over to the closet and opened the door . After a few moments , he walked to the side of the bed away from the window . He lifted the mattress for a moment . Obviously he was suspicious enough to be worried . This is where a normal burglar might have been tripped up . I had carefully re - locked every suitcase and replaced every item in the drawers . I found long ago people panic when they find their house or room in chaos , so I try to leave the place exactly as I found it . In fact , some people had been very slow to report my burglaries , because nothing else was disturbed . They often were convinced for quite a while that they must have just misplaced the items I had stolen . This helped me make my departure in much less pandemonium . John Doe was very quiet for a while . His feet disappeared from my view . I heard a set of keys hit the top of the dresser . Then a thump , followed a few seconds later by another . His shoes ! I was beginning to wonder how I would get out of the room if he lay down and went to sleep . However , I heard the bathroom door close and the water start running in the shower . I waited a few more seconds , then carefully peeked out . He was in the shower , apparently . When John Doe began to sing in the shower , I crept out of my precarious hiding place , lifted the mattress , took the manila envelope , put it inside my shirt , and headed for the door . After a quick check of the room , I unlocked the locks , eased the door open , glanced out to be sure no one was in the hall , and stepped out . I re - closed the door , relocked the locks from the outside with my lock pick , and scurried down to my own room . Once inside , with the door locked , I checked the envelope 's contents . It was exactly what Breaker had said I was looking for . I re - hid the envelope in my shirt , removed the latex gloves and flushed them down the toilet , and washed my sweaty hands . I flipped the covers back on the bed , bounced vigorously on it for a few moments , and nonchalantly left my room , leaving the key on the dresser . The next morning , I checked the newspaper . I found , buried on the fourth page , a brief report of a guest at the Pink Palace being arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct . He had been running up and down the hall , nude and dripping wet , screaming that he 'd been robbed . Police discounted the story , however , when he couldn 't describe what might have been stolen , and when they discovered a $ 10 , 000 gold Rolex watch and a wallet full of $ 100 bills lying undisturbed on his dresser ! Breaker also started me off on a new hobby . He told me to go and purchase a home computer . I did as he instructed , purchasing the best home setup I could . Breaker sent an FBI computer expert over a few days later and he helped me set up the whole system . He also gave me a CompuServe ID number in my " Robert White " alias , as well as a new codename : CATPAW . I liked that . It really fit . The computer expert explained that I should use the computer to become familiar with CompuServe . He would contact me in a few weeks to find out what forums I enjoyed , and Breaker would send me messages occasionally . So much flows back and forth on the forums , no one would suspect a connection between us , and we could eliminate the risk of meeting in person . The signal to start watching for a message would be the mention of CATPAW in another , unrelated message , possibly even in another forum . Every few months , Breaker would send me a message on one of my favorite forums . First there would be some mention of CATPAW in one of the forums I followed . A few days later the important message would come through . Of course , it wasn 't always the same forums . I would receive a message recommending a pet store , or a travel agent , or a restaurant , or a scuba shop , or some such thing . " See Bill at Pets R Them . Tell him you want to see one of his new Woolly Bear kittens , " a message might read . When I visited the shop and made my request , Bill would bring out an envelope for me , instead of a kitten . It would contain a portfolio of documents describing my next assignment . This went on for several years . Sometimes the assignment would be as simple as retrieving an FBI agent 's stolen badge . Sometimes it would be as complex as breaking into a military compound to steal a file . One time I burgled one of our own top generals to relieve him of the burden of some very embarrassing photos of another general . I would return the objects desired to the same place I had gotten my instructions , and a generous fee would appear in my off - shore bank account . This made it unnecessary for me to practice my skills on a private basis ; whether I did or not , I think it would be injudicious to say right here . One day I received a message from Breaker : " Visit All Islands Travel in Honolulu and ask Jenny about an escorted tour to Molokai . " I did so , and was handed a thick packet . I picked up a few other brochures and headed home . Old Sidonia had been a backward , impoverished little nation in West Asia , trading in woven yak hair and little else , ruled by an aging despot . New Sidonia is a backward , impoverished little nation , ruled by the now deceased despot 's despotic son . However , it came to the attention of western nations that one of New Sidonia 's ecological problems was crude oil seeping up through the ground , ruining pastures and making oil slicks on bodies of water . If wealth from the ensuing oil boom had not reached the populace , it had certainly made its way to the young despot 's personal bank account . The young leader had ambitions of greatness for himself , if not for New Sidonia . He had embarked on a program of military buildup . He hired military advisors from any available source . He bought weapons indiscriminately . A major portion of his male populace were willing volunteers for the army . It had to be better than yak farming , right ? The FBI and the CIA had recently discovered that New Sidonia was attempting to buy the technology to produce chemical weapons . An American company had been approached to provide technology ostensibly for the production of industrial chemicals . Only after meeting with the New Sidonian ambassador , handing over some plans , and then mentioning the exchange to another salesman who had visited the ambassador , had the chemical company 's representative put two and two together and gotten nerve gas . They quickly called the FBI and told them of their suspicions . Breaker 's information was that that the ambassador had yet to meet with a few more representatives before leaving for New Sidonia with all the deadly information he had gathered . My envelope included tickets to Washington , DC , where the New Sidonian embassy was located . The flight would be leaving in just three hours , so I had to get my act together and hurry to the airport . When I woke up again , I enjoyed a long hot shower and a good meal . I went to the parking garage , found the Escort again , and drove out to check on my job . As I entered the traffic , I noticed a nondescript white car falling in behind me . This was a routine to which I had grown accustomed . Breaker always put a tail on me . It wasn 't that he didn 't trust me , but they liked to have an observer in place . I drove to the Capitol Hill area . After a quick drive - by tour of the monuments , I got out the map from the rental car company and found the New Sidonian embassy . It was in the embassy area of Washington , D . C . I found it easily . The military guards outside , in their colorful traditional uniforms , carried M - 16 's at port arms . Colorful or not , they looked serious . I drove around the block a few times , and down the alley twice , taking in all I could . When I figured I had a plan in mind , I went back to the hotel . I watched a little TV , ate another great meal , and napped again . A cat nap ! At about midnight , I got up , dressed in my usual working black , put my lock pick case in my pocket , and drove the Escort downtown again . I parked a block away from the embassy and quietly locked it up . I walked around to the alley and slowly made my way to the embassy . The envelope Breaker had sent me had contained some valuable information . An FBI electrician had been installed the alarm system . This was actually a well - established practice . He had done an excellent job , except that he had installed a dummy sensor on one small , upstairs window . This was fortuitously close to a downspout . The FBI considered this " insurance " in case THEY had to do my type of job , but they rarely used the advantage . However , a second - story window was fairly easy for me . I scaled the fence and quickly and silently climbed the drain pipe . With careful patience , I eased open the window and slid inside . No sign of life ! All the chemical company representatives the FBI had interviewed had described the office where their presentations took place . It was the ambassador 's own office . They mentioned a locked , fireproof file cabinet from which he extracted files he wanted to discuss and into which he deposited the files they gave him . Breaker asked me to get all the chemical files if possible , but particularly one that detailed the construction of a catalytic facility necessary to the production of the lethal chemicals the New Sidonians seemed to be interested in manufacturing . Without that one file , they were out of luck , and the chemical company that had supplied that file had vowed they would not replace it . I found the office door locked . It was a good lock , but I had it unlocked in a few minutes . I opened it silently and slipped into the office . The beam from my little flashlight fell on the file cabinet . I crossed to it and examined the lock . Not too bad . After about 30 seconds of work , the lock popped open . I carefully slid the top drawer open . I didn 't notice the tiny wire that broke as the drawer opened . . . I began to search for the files I wanted . I found that almost the entire drawer had chemical files . There was no way I 'd get the whole thing ! ! ! After almost 15 minutes of searching , I found the one file Breaker had asked me to steal . Just as I began to pull it out , I heard a cough behind me . I wheeled around in panic ! My flashlight beam fell on a figure at the door ! Immediately I was blinded by a brilliant flashlight in my eyes . The figure crossed the room , pushed the file drawer closed , and then I was struck on the side of the head with a hard , heavy object , driving me to my knees . " So , you want something in my files , do you ? " came a harsh voice from the figure . " I 'm glad I installed my own alarm on the file cabinet . Apparently the perimeter alarm is not as dependable as I had hoped . " I was no fighter . I had lived by stealth and preplanning . I don 't carry a gun , and I was always too lazy to study martial arts . This was the first time I had ever been confronted by one of my victims ! Bad mistake . I saw a savagely handsome man , with a cruel , mocking face . He held a huge 9mm pistol with a silencer , pointed right between my eyes . I realized I was no longer in the office , but instead out in the hallway , looking in the open door of the office . I saw the ambassador standing over what I assumed was a body . Had he killed somebody ELSE tonight ? And how had I escaped ? And why was he paying me no mind ? The ambassador turned over the body , and I recognized the face ; it was the same face I had shaved just this afternoon ! Unfortunately , the eyes were blank and staring . An ugly black hole in the middle of the forehead oozed blood . This was one very dead body ! But how could I be watching this ? And why was my nose assaulted with so many smells ? I lifted my hand to look at it ; no fingers , just four small pads and one large one in a furry glove . I flexed my fingers , and four dagger - like claws appeared . Very strange ! I retreated back into the shadows to watch the goings on while I tried to understand my situation . Clearly , my long - held beliefs about an after - life were seriously mistaken . I had been , if anything , a skeptic on the subject . My current corporeal existence clearly showed that my skepticism was misplaced , at best . Did my consciousness just get displaced into the nearest " empty " receptacle , no matter what it might be ? Or just how did it work ? It didn 't seem fair , but I reasoned the alternatives were not really much better . The ambassador and the guards rolled my old body into an old rug . They used duct tape to hold the roll in the proper form . Then they pulled a large garbage bag over each end of the roll . The bags met in the middle , where they were duct - taped in place . This was bad ! Even if someone came across the roll , or tore it partly open , it would just look like an old roll of carpet being discarded . I wandered into each room that wasn 't locked . I found the dining room , and took no little pleasure in sitting my naked bottom on the spot I assumed was the ambassador 's table position , judging by the ornate chair . I walked across the kitchen counters . Maybe I could spread some dread disease to this sorry excuse for humanity . I also found a food bowl and water bowl in the kitchen . I tasted the stuff there , and detected some strange mixture of chicken and beef . Not bad . Not sevruga caviar ( which I thought I smelled when I sniffed at the refrigerator door ) , but still better than I would have guessed ! Eventually I found a bathroom . In it was a litter box . It appeared to be clean and well maintained . I put it to its intended use , and got great pleasure out of pushing the litter around for a while . Then I jumped up on the sink and stared for into the mirror . The face that greeted me was handsome , if not a little humorous . Two beautiful golden eyes peered out from a face that was mostly white . I had a cute pink nose and mouth , and my inner ears were pink . However , the top of my head was black , and it appeared , in human terms , as if I had parted long black hair in the middle of my forehead , with the hair coming down each side of my ace . My legs were all white , my footpads were all pink , my tail was black , and I wore a black " saddle . " Fairly typical black / white markings , I guess . I sniffed at the closed doors on the first floor . One room smelled of paper and machinery ; probably the secretary 's office . Another room smelled of male sweat and I heard what sounded like a chainsaw operating . Obviously , this was the guards ' sleeping room . Upstairs , I sniffed at each door . One room smelled like perfume and gunpowder and gun oil . That must be the ambassador 's bedchamber , and he probably had his wife there . At another room , the door was slightly ajar . I smelled perfume there , too , but of a more adventurous type . I pushed the door open a little more and stuck my head in . There was a frilly canopy bed , an impressive stereo , and rock posters on the wall . I moved on down the hall to the service room with the small window where I had entered . As usual , I had closed it behind me , so even if I wanted to , I couldn 't escape by that route . However , I easily leaped up to the high window sill ( there were going to be some enjoyable aspects to this situation ) . I gazed down at the alley . Way down the block , I could see the Escort where I had parked it . Just a hundred feet or so down the alley , I saw the white car that had been tailing me earlier . The ambassador had cleverly not turned on any of the lights in the building , so the tail had not seen anything amiss . I lay brooding on the window sill for several hours , until the dawn started to break . I was half - dozing when a huge , ancient truck trundled down the alley . It stopped at each building , nuzzled up against a trash dumpster , and with a smokey roar , lifted the dumpster up in the air and dumped the contents into its rusty body . It stopped behind the New Sidonian embassy and repeated the routine . As it set the empty dumpster down , I saw a long bundle wrapped in garbage bags and duct tape on the top of the trash in the truck . The engine roar changed , and a large hydraulic ram pushed the front of the trash box backward , packing and compressing the contents . " Two - tone , what are you doing in there ? Why didn 't you come to wake me up this morning ? " The sudden , musical feminine voice shocked me out of my reveries . I turned to see an angelic face , attached to what I guessed would be about a 14 - year - old cherub dressed in a long flannel nightgown ! The young angel came to the window and picked me up . She did it carefully , making me feel secure and safe . She was , indeed , the wearer of some adventurous perfume , one with overtones of flowers and strawberries . She cuddled me , rubbing her soft cheek against the top of my head , as she carried me to her room . Once inside , she kicked the door shut and gently placed me on the bed . " You had me worried , Two Tone ! " she said in her musical , slightly accented voice . " You always wake me up just before the alarm goes off ! I thought I might have locked you out of my room , but the door was open . What were you watching outside ? " " Just birds and stuff , " I tried to say , but all that came out was , " Mrow meow brrrrrt . " Probably just as well . As much as I wanted to tell someone what had happened , I could never have upset this child by relating the awful facts of the night before . She couldn 't be serious ! Even if I hadn 't felt an inexplicable aversion to the idea of so much water in one place , I never would have followed her in there . I felt like my ears , nose , and paw pads were all blushing at once ! As the water ran in the shower , I hopped down off the bed and investigated the room more thoroughly . I crept into the walk - in closet . It was full of clothes , including a good collection of formal - type dresses with shoes to match . I suppose an ambassador 's daughter would have to dress well . Back out in the bedroom , I looked over my surroundings . Against one wall was a study desk . It appeared to be well - used , and well - equipped for study . In addition to reference books , there was a personal computer . It appeared to be a recent model . I sneaked under the desk and checked the wall . All the computer apparatus was plugged into a power strip , including a phone line . The bathroom door opened , and and my teen - aged angel came out . Her long black hair hung down the back of her T - shirt , and and her blue jeans were probably appropriately stylish ( although I never had followed fashion much ) . She crossed the room and started to gather up her books and supplies . " Be a good kitty today , " she said , then put me down on the bed . I watched as she disappeared into the hall , leaving the door open a foot or so . Probably to let me go in and out of her room . I heard a door close downstairs , as she went out to the car . I was alone ! My protectress was gone ! I convinced myself I was being paranoid . There was no way the ambassador could know that I was the cat burglar he had killed . But he had to realize that it was no accident a burglar had been going through his files , instead of stealing the sterling silverware . I crept down the stairs to the kitchen . There was no activity going on there , so I ate some breakfast myself . . . beef and chicken again . I visited the litter box , then set out to check over the building some more . As I walked past the ambassador 's office , I heard him talking to someone . I peeked in , and discovered he was using the telephone . " Yes , we must accelerate our acquisition of the remaining information . I will call the company representative today and have him visit me tomorrow . Then we must move the files to New Sidonia immediately . This burglar 's failure might precipitate other attempts . " An hour later , a plan had formed in my mind . Now to see if it could work . I jumped down off the bed and squirmed under the desk . I found the power strip , into which the computer and all its peripherals were plugged . Good ! The master switch was turned off . I used all the force I could put on one small paw , and felt a satisfying click . My sensitive ears heard the cooling fan on the computer start , and then the double beep of a successful self - test . I jumped up on the chair , but it was too close to the desk . I had to get back down on the floor to try to move it . I put my shoulder to each chair leg , and slowly I moved the chair back a few inches from the desk . Leaping back up on the chair , I found I now had room to get at the keyboard . I also found a trackball . This was lucky , since a mouse would be very hard for me to maneuver . I studied the screen . This was not going to be as easy as I hoped . I could see dim colors in the center of my vision , but mostly all I could see was black and white . This made the screen very difficult to use . With one delicate paw , I rotated the track ball to place the arrow cursor over an icon that said " CompuServe . " I clicked the left button , and the icon expanded into a square containing several other icons . I pointed to WinCIM , clicked , and the screen changed to the main CompuServe screen . I clicked on Send , and listened as the computer dialed CompuServe . I watched the message go on its way . Then I exited from the program , turned the computer off , and carefully put everything back where I found it . " Why do I have to leave school here ? I like it here ! You never ask me what I want ! " she angrily yelled out into the hall . I heard the rumble of the ambassador 's reply . Then she slammed the door . " Poor baby , I didn 't mean to frighten you ! But Daddy says I have to pack up and be ready to go back to New Sidonia the day after tomorrow . But don 't worry , I 'll get out your carrier and be sure you 're safely packed up and ready to go with us ! " This was obviously meant to comfort me . It didn 't . New Sidonia ! Who knew what kind of animal care they might have there ! Cats are not considered " pets " everywhere in this big , cruel world ! I spent the rest of the evening listening to the ambassador 's daughter complain about having to leave . She called all her friends , and told them the next day would be her last at school . Then she started packing . She really didn 't have that much to pack : a fairly good wardrobe , but not a fantastic one , her books and school supplies , and that was about it . Every now and then , she would break down and cry for a while , and I would cuddle up next to her and try to comfort her until her sobs would subside . I prowled the house . Even at this late hour , there was a great deal of activity . Everyone was packing , and the ambassador and his staff were busily shredding documents and sending them down the trash chute . In the morning , after my mistress went to school , I sneaked downstairs to watch the activity . About 9 a . m . , I saw a man in an expensive suit , carrying a briefcase enter the ambassador 's office . About an hour later , he left the office . At the door , the ambassador shook his hand , saying , " Call me in two weeks for another meeting here . I 'll show your information to the President , and I 'm sure we 'll be ready to make a decision then . " The ambassador ran up the stairs to his daughter 's bedroom , with me following . He went into her closet and chose a large brown leather suitcase . I had watched her pack some of her more formal clothes in that bag last night ! Carrying the suitcase , the ambassador went back downstairs to his office . He opened the suitcase and carefully removed the clothing . He left one layer on the bottom . Then he went to the file cabinet that had been my undoing , and opened the drawer containing the chemical warfare files . He pulled all the files out and packed them in the suitcase . Then he repacked enough of his daughter 's clothes over the files to hide them and closed it . He carried it back up to her bedroom , and replaced it where it had been a few minutes before ! After another uneasy night of sleep , the household was up and headed for the airport before dawn . This sounds like the work of a few moments , but let me assure you , I did not go easily into that carrying case ! I hissed , I spat , I cried , I would have scratched , but I 'm sure it would have only hurt my case . I rode sulkily to the airport . At least I was inside the limo , and not in the trunk ! At the airport check - in , a new horror dawned upon me . I was not going to ride in the passenger cabin , but in the baggage hold ! Me , luggage ! The insult of it all ! After all , I have a million dollars plus in a Grand Cayman bank ! I always fly first class ! Call my congressman ! My horrors had just begun . I rode the conveyer out of the building , where my carrier was loaded onto a baggage cart . After a long ride , during which I was almost overwhelmed with the smell of jet fuel , the baggage train stopped beside a large plane . Through the bars of my prison , I recognized it as a Lufthansa 747 . While my eyes adjusted to the dark , I listened to the many thumps and bangs around me . They were apparently loading the baggage compartment next to mine , now . I heard a frightened puppy in a nearby cage , whining . My nose told me he had had more physical reactions to his fear , too . Which gave me an idea . . . Being no ordinary cat , but a burglar by trade , I wondered if it might be possible to escape from the carrier . I carefully studied the locking mechanism in the dim light . While it might be sufficient to keep a normal cat imprisoned , I found the mechanism extremely simple to operate . I inserted my small paw through the door , lifted the lever and turned it . The door popped open . I was free ! Then I started wending my way through the baggage hold . I stopped and sniffed often , until I caught a faint hint of strawberries . I homed in on that until I found the leather suitcase that I knew contained the files the ambassador was smuggling out of the U . S . I perched on it precariously and contentedly relieved myself on it . I awoke later with the smell of food tickling my delicate nose . Then I heard voices . I stood up , stretched , and found a small passage ( a " catwalk , " one might say ) toward the back of the plane . I followed it carefully in the dim light , and found myself peeking into the plane 's galley ! I watched as the flight attendants prepared a meal to serve the passengers . There were many small trays , which they were heating in an oven . One of the women was eating her own dinner from an identical tray . It was a wonderful aroma ! When I got back to my hiding place , I examined my prize . It tasted a lot like my cat food back at the Embassy . Chicken , but no beef . I ate about half of it , saving the rest for later . Then I returned to the serious business of napping . A few hours later , a change in the pitch of the engines woke me up . I stretched again , and as I finished my piece of purloined chicken , I heard the sound of the landing gear being lowered . I lay back down , not having access to a seatbelt . After the landing , I stayed hidden while I waited for the plane to stop taxiing . Almost immediately after it stopped , I heard the latches open on the cargo compartment . I edged back farther into my hiding place . I watched from the safety of my hiding place as the handlers unloaded the baggage and lined it up on the pavement . A policeman with a dog on a leash slowly walked down the line of baggage . The drug sniffing dog stopped by the ambassador 's daughter 's leather suitcase , showing a great deal of interest in it , barking loudly . Of course , his interest was not in drugs , but in my piddling on it ! The handler didn 't know that , though , and made an " X " on it with chalk . I watched out the open baggage compartment door as the luggage was loaded onto carts . I had a brief scare when one of the handlers looked in my cage and found it empty . He and the others made a quick search of the baggage compartment , but I just hid again , and they didn 't find me . Finally , the baggage cart train headed off toward the terminal building , and I saw Breaker follow it away . I went back to my little " catwalk " and moved to the second baggage compartment . It was not being unloaded , and the tags indicated the baggage was bound for Munich , Germany . I figured that must be the next stop on this flight , so I found a comfy hiding place and went to sleep . Again I was soon awakened by the noise of the landing gear being lowered and locked in place . The big plane landed and taxied to a stop . I hid carefully amongst the baggage and waited for the door to open , which it soon did . I watched around the corner of a bag to see what was going on . Baggage was being unloaded and stacked in a heap on a platform just outside the door . This was part of a truck that had been pulled up to the plane and raised to the level of the door . I carefully waited for the baggage handlers to turn their backs , then quickly scooted out the door and dived in among the bags . I burrowed down into a small space and hoped my tail was sticking out ! The truck carried the load of bags to an unloading platform under the terminal building . As soon as the truck bumped the dock , I peeked out to see the situation . I heard voices far down the dock , but I couldn 't see anyone close by , so I left my hiding place , raced across the dock , and into an open door . There were baggage conveyor belts there , leading up to another floor , but I slowly made my way through the building , dashing a few feet and hiding . Finally I found an open door that seemed to lead out of the building and into a parking area . I saw buses and taxis rushing by , so there must be a passenger pick - up area near . I watched a small shuttle bus stop by the curb . It had " Bayerischer Hof , " probably the name of some hotel on its side . The door opened and the driver stepped down on the curb . He checked his watch , glanced at a piece of paper he took from his pocket , and took out a cigarette , which he lit . I figured he must be waiting to pick up a specific passenger who had not arrived yet . He slowly sauntered down the sidewalk . While the driver 's back was turned , I dashed across the sidewalk and into the bus . I found a seat to hide under , and curled up as small and unnoticeable as possible . Soon the driver returned , started the engine , and drove slowly toward the pickup area for whatever passenger he was waiting on . The bus stopped in front of a set of doors , which opened for several passengers to exit . The driver opened his door , and the passengers climbed aboard , putting their luggage in a rack just behind the driver . " Ah - choo ! Ah - choo ! Ah - choo ! " She sneezed repeatedly . " What 's wrong , dear ? " asked the man with her . When the bus stopped in front of a large hotel , the passengers grabbed their bags , climbed down , and made their way toward the hotel entrance . The driver followed them to open the door . This looked like my chance , so I dashed down the stairs of the bus and out the door . Unfortunately , the sneezy lady happened to look back at the bus just then ! " A cat ! There was a cat on the bus ! " she screamed . " No wonder I was sneezing ! " The situation didn 't look good , so I ran down the sidewalk as fast as I could . Cats are not designed as long - distance runners , and concrete does not feel good on their feet , I quickly discovered . I ran about half a block , turned the corner , and dived behind a potted plant I found there . No pursuit followed , fortunately . I watched people walking back and forth in front of my hiding place . I tried to formulate a plan , but nothing came to mind . Just as I was getting really discouraged , I saw one pair of legs go by wearing black pants . My sensitive nose caught the scent of a cat . . . no , two cats . I could even see cat hair on the black pants . I summoned up my courage , walked out from behind the plant , and stepped in front of the legs . " Oh , poor kitty ! " said the young woman attached to the legs . Or , at least , that 's what I assumed the German words she said meant . I looked up at her pitifully , mewed , and rubbed against the black pants , adding some of my fur to the collection there . She spoke some more , and then bent down and picked me up . She ruffled the fur on my neck , probably checking for a non - existent collar . She checked my paw pads , which were definitely sore . She looked at my coat , ruffled and dusty from the ride in the baggage compartment . She glanced around , probably to be sure no one was looking , and then turned me and lifted my tail . Then she glanced around again , and tucked me inside her coat . I was so tired , I never woke until we arrived at an apartment . The young lady opened the door , and I was greeted by the unmistakable scent of two cats . The tale my nose told was quickly confirmed by my ears , when two feline voices excitedly greeted my rescuer . I squirmed around and peeked out of the lady 's coat collar . At my appearance , the two resident cats immediately fell silent . They stared at me intently , undoubtedly testing the air for my scent . After a brief pause , my rescuer took me through the living room and out onto a closed - in porch , a sort of " sun room . " She carefully placed me on the floor , then returned to the living room , closing the door behind her . I guessed she wanted to keep us felines separate until we had adjusted to each other . She soon returned with a food bowl , water bowl , and a litter pan . I quickly ate some of the food and used the litter and felt much better . I spent a lot of time next to the door which separated the porch and living room . I sniffed cautiously every time the two resident cats came near the door . They didn 't smell or sound threatening , and I looked forward to meeting them . Every little while , the young lady would come out on the porch and speak soothingly to me . I wished I spoke German , but I didn 't so I could deduce her meaning only through the tone of voice she used . I tried my best to make it very clear to her that I was glad she had brought me to this safe place , where no one had any idea I might be . I spent the night on the porch , curled up on a soft pillow . It wasn 't cold , and I had everything I needed , so I was quite comfortable . Occasionally I heard the other cats moving around inside the apartment , and I felt lonely . That was very odd , since I had always prided myself on my independence . In the morning , the young lady came out to visit me as soon as she got up . She gave me some fresh food and water , and cleaned the litter box . Then she went back in the apartment and apparently got ready for work , because the next time I saw her she was dressed and had her coat on . I saw her coming toward the door , probably to check on me one last time before going to work , and I decided to take matters into my own hands . . . er , excuse me , my own paws . I waited near the door , and when she opened it , I dashed through and ran and hid far back under a couch . She ran after me , calling me in an annoyed way , but I was too far back for her to reach . When she moved the couch , I zoomed into the bedroom and hid under the bed there . After a few minutes of trying to coax me out , my unfortunate benefactor gave up and went out the front door , going to work , I suppose . Fortunately , all cats speak cat . There is no German or English , just cat . I carried on a long conversation with these first two cats I had ever met since becoming a cat myself . One was a large , long - haired gray tiger . This was Mikesch . He was somewhat aloof but not unfriendly . He claimed to have been a Munich grandmother in his previous life , and was rather nonplused to be thrust into this odd new shape and gender . He / she rather quickly took a motherly attitude toward me , which I found very comforting . I think Mikesch needed someone to grandmother as much as I needed grandmothering ! The second was a sleek , black , short - haired cat . Piers was energetic , inquisitive , and full of mischief . He had been a tight - rope walker with a large circus , but had been killed in a fall . He was extremely pleased with his feline abilitiexplaining that if he could have done as a human what he could do as a cat , he would have been the most famous acrobat in the world ! We spent a great deal of time conversing . Piers and Mikesch explained that their owner was called Tina , and that she worked at a bank downtown . She had been coming home from work when she rescued me . I told them about my adventures . They were impressed , but then , they also explained that all cats are " ex - people " by the time they are six months old . That explains why cats are so unpredictable and strange , I guess . I examined the apartment carefully , and in the bedroom , I found a computer ! I immediately turned it on ( much to the consternation of Piers and Mikesch ) and found that Tina was a member of CompuServe , too ! I navigated to the forum on which I had left a message for Breaker , and found this private message for me : Thank you for the tip on the ambassador 's departure . With the advance warning , we were able to prepare for his arrest . We let him leave the U . S . and intercepted him in London . We had a back - up plan to check his diplomatic pouch , but we lucked out when customs marked one of his bags for a drug search . They didn 't find any drugs , but we did find the chemical files . When the ambassador saw this , he made the foolish mistake of pulling a silenced automatic pistol out of the diplomatic pouch . Of course , the gun was bad enough , but the silencer is absolutely illegal , so the British authorities arrested him immediately . We confiscated the files and brought them back to the U . S . Well , all this took place about 4 months ago . Obviously , I haven 't gone back to Hawaii . I guess CATPAW is forever gone . I 'm very happy here . Piers , Mikesch , and I are the best of friends . We 're having a great time driving Tina crazy with tricks like working together to get more food . Piers jumps up on the high , narrow shelf where the boxes of kitty treats are kept . He knocks the box down on the floor . Big Mikesch chews a hole in the box , and I , with my small paws , pull the kitty treats out of the box . Then , we have a feast ! Should anyone not believe this story , consider the following . CATPAW 's alias was Robert White . " Blanche " is the French word for " white . " Mike Blanche 's middle name is Robert . You have seen many messages on this forum signed " CATPAW " that were attributed to Mike Blanche . But have you ever met anyone named Mike Blanche ? Are you sure those ridiculous messages signed " CATPAW " weren 't secret messages to or from the CIA ? |
Posted in Uncategorized Update : Secrets From the Bayou Posted on April 6 , 2017April 6 , 2017 by lalewisblog Heyyyyy Y ' all ! ! ! ! ! ( don 't you just love that country twang 🙂 I know it 's been a minute , but believe me I think of you all every Tuesday . We 're bonded by the Bayou for life : ) ! My son told me I need to post something or you all may forget that I 'm writing . You haven 't forgotten that I 'm working on something big have you ? I sure hope not , but being the great listener that I am , I decided to take heed to my child 's advice ( he 's wise beyond his years ) and tell you all what 's going on so far . Well , we 've finish casting all our roles for the Secrets From the Bayou web series , well not quite all but all the ones I need so far . I 'm finding the plot continues to thicken the more I write , which means more roles to cast … but not right now . Anyway , back to my point , the actors / actresses are better than anything I could 've expected or asked for . These people are talented beyond belief and I 'm not just saying that , it 's the truth . Many of them aren 't new to film . They 've been a part of some major drama series , and to know that they see something in my work that makes them want to be a part of it too , is simply amazing . I have to say , when I dove into this journey I had no idea the amount of work ( and I mean WORK ) that goes on behind the scenes before production even begins . It 's a lot , but I 'm enjoying every minute of this learning process . It 's hard to describe how it feels seeing your words and the images in your head , being displayed for all to see . Every day that I work on this series feels like a dream . I 've prepared for this moment without really knowing . I 've taken script writing workshops and studied scripts as I 've watched the shows , but I did all of that to improve my writing as an author . Sure , I knew one day I wanted my books to be turned into movies ( who wouldn 't ? ) , but I figured someone else would be doing it . I thought my job was done after I wrote the books . I had no idea that was just a small piece of the puzzle God had planned for my life . I know this is from Him because all the help had to come from him . The doors that were opened had to be opened by him . People are willing , able , and oh so ready to do whatever it takes to help me get this show rolling and I know , without shadow of a doubt , that 's from HIM ! I could literally go on and on about this project and how much I 'm loving it , but because you all have a life outside of reading this blog , I 'll go ahead and bring it to an end . Did I mention how much I miss you all ? I really do . You made me laugh each week with your comments about the story lines and the characters . All I can say is if you like the blog , you 're going to LOVE the web series . Seriously ! I 'm not just saying that because I wrote it . It 's reallyyyyy good : ) . Okay , I promised to end so here goes . ( Read this part really fast so I can be true to my word … ending now 🙂 Thank you all for all your continued support ! Don 't forget I do have a new book out , Double Down and Dirty by L . A . Lewis . Check it out if you hadn 't had a chance to read it . It 's available anywhere books are sold online . I watched the woman I loved with everything in me , the same woman who made me forget who I was and where I 'd come from . Nadia brought out a part of me I never knew existed . Up until our reunion I was always known as the diffuser … the voice of reason … the one people flocked to for comfort and understanding . All those good qualities vanished when she re - entered my world . When we dated in high school , I understood my role very well . I was the filler . I knew that and I accepted it because even being the filler was fulfilling for me , at least for a while . Eventually , that got old . Being her go - to person when she had nothing better to do . Yeah , after a month of playing that role I wanted more . I 'd planned to tell her everything the day she called me to the woods . I was going to pour my soul out to her and hoped she 'd say she felt the same way , but when I arrived , and saw her lying in the dirt , all my words fell to the ground . I nearly fainted when I saw all the blood that covered her clothes . This is why she called me . She needed me . I picked her up , took her to my truck and drove like a bat out of hell to the hospital . She was very weak , but still able to talk . I hung onto each word and nearly crashed into the car in front of me when she told me what she did . My heart shattered and I didn 't know if I wanted to stop and push her out or keep driving and save her life . The girl I loved was no longer the girl I knew . As soon as we made it to the hospital and I contacted her grandmother , I left . It took a while for forgiveness to set in , but eventually it did . When Nadia came to me over a year ago , professing her love and declaring how much she wanted to start a new life with me , I dropped everything to make sure that happened . I never told her how much I gave up for this union to happen . She didn 't know my life was on an upward path and I gave it all away just to be with her . If she 'd known , maybe she 'd understand the rage , but it 's too late now . She 'd made it clear that her feelings were the only onesNadia " I better get going . " I looked back expecting Karen to be standing at the door watching Tasha and me as she normally did . " You sure you don 't wanna come in and eat ? " Tasha offered . " You know it 's Thanksgiving around here . " She laughed . " Ohhhh , it is isn 't it . " For as long as I could remember , Tasha and her mom never celebrated holidays on the actual day . One , if not both , of them were always working so their tradition had been to celebrate as close to the holiday as possible . " I 'm sorry . I forgot . I didn 't mean to interrupt your time with your mom . " Tasha 's eyes narrowed . " Really ? You think interrupting my time with her is a bad thing ? " She laughed again . " Say what you want , but you love that woman . " I lightly pushed my body into hers . Tasha looked behind her . I 'm sure it was for the same reason I 'd looked just a moment before , to make sure Karen wasn 't there . She took a deep breath . " Don 't tell me you have more bad news . I really can 't take anymore right now . " I warned her . " I 'm tired , Nadia . I 'm tired of this life . I 'm tired of living in this house and working this dead end job . I 'm tired of being the responsible one , having to look after a woman who should be looking out for me . I 'm ready for more . " I crossed my arms over my chest and stared at her . " Then do more . Stop whining and complaining about wanting something then settling back into this life . I 've heard this too many times and until you 're ready to make a move , it 's just talk . " " No , because you don 't ever tell me what I need to hear . You know I wanted you to tell me that I should do it , I 'm capable of moving away from here and living life on my own , but you never say it and I know why . " Her sad eyes turned angry . " What are you talking about ? I always tell you that . I 've said it too much over the years . If you want to move , then move but stop talking about it and do it . " " No it 's not . Not when I have someone depending on me to be here . I know it was easy for you to walk away and live your life but it 's not that simple for me . " " Well , what the hell do you want me to say ? No matter what , you 're not leaving Bayou . You 're never leaving Bayou so why do we keep having this conversation ? It 's pointless . " The moisture in her eyes made me regret telling the truth . I hadn 't learned that sometimes people don 't want to hear what you really think , even though they pretend to want your input . " In high school , Tasha . High school . We 're thirty year - old grown women , not teenagers . We no longer have time to talk . Either do it or be content , but stop whining about it . " " Bye Nadia . Enjoy the rest of your stay . " She was behind the door before I could blink . I looked around before walking to my car . Every since I 'd arrived I had a strange feeling . Not sure what it was , but I didn 't like it . Normally when I have this feeling it 's followed by something bad . I had this very feeling the night my dad died . It had occurred a couple more times throughout the years and it was always on point . I didn 't know what it was or who it was for , but something bad was about to happen in Bayou and I couldn 't shake the feeling that it was very close to home . A note from Nadia : Thank you for allowing me to share a piece of my overly dramatic life with you every week . Since you 've enjoyed reading about me , I have no doubt you 'll love watching my very eventful life play out on film . As you can imagine writing the blogs and working on the scripts can sometimes get a bit confusing for L . A . Lewis . Because of this , she 's made the executive decision to discontinue the weekly blogs and pour all her energy into the scripts . Don 't worry , we won 't leave you hanging . You 'll get to see , up close and personal , as ALL the Bayou secrets are exposed : ) . Posted in Blog Series Blog # 9 : Hidden Agenda Posted on March 7 , 2017March 7 , 2017 by lalewisblog Tasha I sat at the table across from my mother yet another Thanksgiving . Just the two of us . The way it had been ever since my grandmother passed last year . I really wanted to call Nadia and check on her , but hearing from me may have only made matters worse . I couldn 't believe my best friend was finally home for a holiday and I wouldn 't be able to spend it with her . This day sucked like no other . " What 's that look about ? " My mother was looking at me like I was crazy . Here I was being blinded by her bright orange pants , and the big rhinestone turkey on her sweater , and she had the nerve to look at me like I 'd lost it . " Nothing . " I pushed the food around on my plate . I loved holiday food and my mother 's a really good cook , but I couldn 't enjoy it today . I couldn 't stop thinking about Nadia . About my plan to move to Atlanta with her . She 'd been trying to get me to come for years , and just when I was ready to kiss this dead end town goodbye , my mother had to go and open her big mouth . I 'd just lost the only real friend I 'd ever had and my chance to escape this place . " I got my plan all mapped out . When you 're done I 'll tell you so you can be ready . I don 't need you slowing me down . " " I won 't slow you down because I 'm not going . " Her eyes looked like they were ready to pop out of the sockets . " Not going ! What da ' you mean you not going ? " I hate when she asks what do I mean about obvious statements . Isn 't " I 'm not going " self - explanatory ? " You have to go . I can 't pull this off without you , " she continued . " Mama , you and Sheila are gonna have to battle it out alone this year . " " Ohhhhh , I know what this is about . " She leaned back in her chair . " You mad because I told Nadia , huh ? " I broke off a piece of my roll and stuck it in my mouth , all while looking at my mother , the one who ruins everything . Always had and now that I was stuck here , she always would . " Look , I done told you that girl needed to know . Her mama and grandma should be ashamed keeping her in the dark this long . Shoot , everybody should be thanking me . " " I shole in the hell did . Now that it 's out , we can all start living the truth . Ain 't you tired of hiding ? Tired of pretending we don 't belong ? Hell , we 're just as much a Freeman as the rest of them and it 's time for everyone to know . " " Why now ? You told me years ago and said not to say a word and I didn 't . You told me it would hurt Nadia if she knew , and yet , you told her . Just tell me why you did it ? " " Because I have nothing to lose . I was quiet and I told you to stay quiet because that 's what Mama wanted . People in this town had finally started showing her some respect . For as long as I can remember , she hated to leave the house because everyone would stare at us and whisper behind our backs . Mama 's life was hell here , but she couldn 't afford to leave . My daddy couldn 't be a father in the open , but he was in private and he took good care of us . Truth is , Mama wouldn 't have left even if she could . She loved that man , even if she could only have a piece of him . She wanted that piece . " My mom stared as if she 'd gone back to those days in her mind . Sometimes I wished I could see what she saw . Maybe that would help me understand her better . She always had a need to be seen . She said things to hurt people and she didn 't care . She was nothing like my grandmother who worked overtime to be accepted by people in this community . " Well , she 's gone now and I 'm tired of living like this . " She waved her hands around . " While they 're up there in that big house that should be ours . " " What did Aunt Kate get ? Hell , what does Aunt Kate need ? What does she do for us ? What did she do for your grandmother when she was alive ? She barely made it home before she died . " My aunt is Katherine Matthews … The Katherine Matthews , but she 's Aunt Kate to me . Aunt Kate left Bayou many years ago to pursue her acting and modeling career . She was determined to be a success and her determination paid off big time . She lived all over the world . She now called Paris home . In my mother 's eyes , Aunt Kate 's success was a constant reminder of her own failure . My mom once had dreams too , but unlike Aunt Kate , she never acted on them . Instead , she stayed behind with my grandmother , much like I 'm doing now . My grandmother robbed my mother of the life she could 've had , and my mother was robbing me of mine . Guess it 's a family curse that skipped Aunt Kate and landed on me . The knock on the door was a welcomed distraction . Nadia sat on the first step of the porch and replied , " We did . " I joined her on the first step , and tried to read an expression that just wouldn 't come . Nadia was good at not showing her true feelings . You never really knew how she felt unless she told you , or on those rare occasions when she 'd break the wall and let it all out . I swallowed hard and waited for her to tell me why she was here . I waited to hear her say that we couldn 't be friends any longer . That now that she knew the truth , she had to side with her family . I braced myself for the impact of her words . She was silent . I hated silence . " No , but he 's refusing to let me go . I told him why I went back to him . I almost told him everything , but he blew up as he always does when things don 't go his way . " " I thought about it . I really did . Being here these last few days has shown me that secrets never stay buried long . If he finds out what I did he may follow through on his til death do us part threat . " " You 're not going back to Atlanta ? " I was kind of disappointed in a selfish kinda way . My best friend had a problem and I was thinking about myself . " Then I 'll keep running . Robert wants what I 'm not capable of giving . I 've run out of love and as bad as I wish I could love him the way he deserves … I just can 't . " Stalking had never been my ideal hobby , but when it came to my wife I had no choice . Three months ago , Nadia fled in the middle of the night , leaving nothing but questions behind . I knew she was hiding something from me and I would find out what it is . Judging from the intensity on her face as she was talking with Tasha , I 'm guessing whatever she 'd done was pretty serious . I 'd find out what it was . She knows I don 't give up until I get what I want . No matter who I have to use to get it . Written By : L . A . Lewis " So that 's your plan ? " I stepped closer to Robert . " Threaten to tell my family what I did all those years ago ? Go ahead . Be my guest . " I swung my hand towards the front door . " But don 't forget to tell them your role . " " I almost died that day and you knew why , yet you didn 't say a word to my family . How do you think they 're gonna feel when they know that ? " I crossed my arms . Robert shook his head slowly . " Why did you come back ? After all these years , why did you come to me if you weren 't serious about us ? " Robert flung his arms out and asked , " What the hell does that mean ? " " I thought I was doing what I had to do to make things right again . I made the choice to play God that day in the woods . That has haunted me all these years and the only way I knew how to fix it was … " I took a deep breath . I was finally ready to tell him everything . " Was what ? " His brows furrowed . " Making me believe you loved me , marrying me , all that was to right some wrong and I 'm supposed to believe you had no idea I 'd get hurt in the process ? You can 't really be that stupid , " He said , clenching his jaws . He knew the silent treatment well . He 'd seen it often this past year . Once my plan was complete , I no longer needed to pretend I could really play the wifey type . A part of me believed I could . In the beginning of our reunion , I 'd convinced myself that I was like every normal woman who desired to have the husband , the job , the children and be perfectly content . Shortly after our nuptials , I knew I 'd made a huge mistake , but leaving wasn 't an option . I had to make up for the sin I 'd committed . That was the only way God would forgive me and release me from whatever curse was placed on my life . I needed a normal life . I was starting to realize that maybe this was my normal . A life void of true emotions other than for my grandma and dad . A life where one man could never hold my interest longer than a couple months . Maybe I was my kind of normal and maybe I should 've just been okay with that . " If you think I 'm just gonna let you walk out my life like I never mattered then you really don 't know me as well as you thought you did . " Robert stood within inches of my face . " You 're my wife dammit and this , " he wagged his finger between the two of us , " is til death do us part . " He quickly kissed my lips then turned around and left . Rachel " You had to know you 'd get this reaction . Nadia 's stubborn like someone else I know . " Mother looked at me with a raised brow . " She 's past stubborn . After all this time she still blames me for what happened that night . How did all of this fall on me ? " My throat tightened from the pain I 'd carried all these years . " Getting rid of Wesley wasn 't my idea . " I stared at her and hoped she could feel the anger I had to conceal and endure because of her plan . " You do ? " I couldn 't believe what she was saying . Telling the truth meant risking her freedom . I wanted a relationship with my daughter , but I didn 't want to lose my mother in the process . " Sit . " She nodded towards the chair next to her . " There 's something I wanna tell ya . I wanted to wait until after Thanksgiving , but you need to know now . " I did as I was told . I watched as my mother 's mouth moved and the words that came out felt like arrows aimed directly at my heart . I sat until the pain was too unbearable to take anymore . The next thing I remembered was running out the house , past Nadia , who was standing alone on the front porch , and to my car . I opened my purse and removed my emergency travel bottle of wine . I finished it as soon as I left the driveway . I don 't remember the drive to the house , but somehow I made it . " I went to see Nadia . " I sat at the kitchen table and the floodgates opened . All the tears I 'd held poured out . " I knew this wasn 't a good idea . " He sat next to me . " I don 't wanna hear it , " I said , looking up at him and wiping my eyes . An instant scowl rested on his face . " Have you been drinking ? " He grabbed my purse from my hand and looked inside . He pulled out three empty bottles . " You promised you 'd stop . " He pushed the purse back towards me . " This is your idea of taking care of yourself ? Taking care of my unborn child . " He screamed holding the bottles in his hand . " You think you 're the only one going through something , Rachel ? Well , guess what , you 're not . I stood right in front of my daughter at the foot of the grave of a man I killed for you , " he jabbed his finger towards me , " and for her … and I couldn 't say a word . She tried to attack me because she still thinks I killed her father . I went through all that without taking one drink . " He stood . " This baby is our second chance . We screwed things up with Nadia , but now we have an opportunity to get it right . " He motioned towards my stomach . John 's eyes widened . " What ? The hell we are . We 're going to get through to her some way , but telling her or anyone else the truth is out of the question . " He shook his head . " I 'm meeting with the attorney to sign the paperwork and things will be finalized with my dad 's estate . After that , we 're going back to Texas . We 'll figure this out together . The two of us . " He eyed the bottles then looked at me . I was ready for this nightmare to be over . I didn 't want it to happen this way , but if John didn 't think of something my only choice would be honesty . I may lose my mother and my husband , but I 'll have the one person I 've wanted all these years … my daughter … . my Nadia . " You need to hear this . " Rachel remained in her spot . Arms folded looking at me like she had some top - secret information that she was itching to share . " I don 't know what information you have , but you can keep it . " I stepped back in the room so she could clearly hear what I had to say . " You don 't have the right to say his name . You don 't even have the right to utter the initials of his name . " I smelled the scent of her expensive perfume flowing through my nostrils . " First of all , I never mentioned your father 's name . Second , luring you back in my life was never my intention . Do I want a relationship with my daughter , yes … of course I do , but not like this . " She wagged her finger between the two of us . " I want you when you want to be back . " Rachel 's eyes watered . " If you only knew the truth . If you only knew the lengths I went to in order to protect you . I 'm not the enemy . The man you 've spent your life grieving over is . " I don 't know what happened . I don 't remember lifting my arm , opening my hand , and connecting with her face , but the sting of my palm indicated that I 'd done just that . I slapped my mother . I thought it would . I 'd dreamed of the day I could inflict pain on her . I wanted her to feel what I felt all those years ago , but surprisingly I didn 't feel good at all . I didn 't feel anything actually . The hurt was still there . Guess there 's no passing it on to someone else no matter how hard you try . " I hope you do because that 's your one and only pass . The next time you strike me I will strike back . " Her red eyes showed she meant business . " You don 't scare me . I 'm not the same little girl you used to lock in the room for hours at a time and dare me to make a sound or else . She 's long gone . " I assured her . Rachel tilted her head to the side and glared at me . " You think you know so much about what went on back then , but you don 't . You have no idea the hell I went through living in that house . Yes , I locked you in the room and dared you to make a sound because I wanted to protect you from his wrath . I knew when it was going to be one of those days and I didn 't want you to get pulled in . When Wesley had an episode , no one was safe . " " You 're talking about him like he was some kind of animal ? He was nothing like that and you know it ! " I felt the tightness of my fist . I wanted to show respect , because after all she is my mother , but I couldn 't help what I was feeling on the inside . She 'd pushed every button to get me riled up . This is the very reason I 've stayed away all these years . Grandma Hazel preached over and over again how I 'd cut my life short by dishonoring my parents , mainly my mother being that my dad was no longer here . Though life was rough , I still wanted to live it for as long as I could . I was doing good until this very moment . " You were blessed to see him at his best . I shielded you from seeing the true Wesley . I risked my life for yours and the thanks I got was disrespect . I could 've been trifling and allowed him to do the same to you . Let him use you as a punching bag when he was drunk or had lost all his money gambling . " " If things were that bad why 'd you stay ? You seemed to be really happy when he was buying you clothes and jewelry and cars . Was he a monster then ? " I asked waiting for her to admit that he was good to her . " Yes he was . Those things didn 't mean nothing to me . What I wanted more than anything was out of that house . Out of his life , but I was stuck . There was no way out until … " " Until John shot him . Is that why you refused to testify against him ? You were happy he was dead . Did John kill my dad for you ? " My heart raced and no amount of deep breathing would calm it down . " Was it your idea for John to go there that night ? Did you set him up ? " I wasn 't sure if I wanted to know the answer , but I needed to know . I had to know the truth . " People go to great lengths for freedom . Listening to you just now put a whole new spin on this mystery I 've been trying to solve all these years . I know my dad wasn 't the most liked man in Bayou , but I 'd never heard anyone hate him enough to want him dead … until now . " " Do I ? For the first time since his death I think I 'm finally getting the answers I needed . " I stepped within inches of her face . " I know you had something to do with this and you better believe I won 't stop until I get to the truth . " Rachel took a deep breath . " Go ahead . Get to the bottom , but be prepared for what you discover once you get there . I 'm telling you I had nothing to do with what happened that night . " I happily made my escape from Rachel . I couldn 't stand hearing her defame my father 's name another minute . The man I knew and loved , the man I still love , was nothing like the person she 'd described . My dad gave me the world , even when Rachel protested that I didn 't need anything else . He made it his business to keep a smile on my face and after his death she successfully wiped it away . " Surprise ! " Robert wrapped his arms around me as soon as I walked onto the porch . " My grandmother told me you were in town so I decided to stop by and see ya . " He stepped back and licked his lips as he scanned every curve of my body . " So , you changed your number and left in the middle of the night because you wanted me to find you ? " He questioned . " I 've searched for months . Wondering if you were okay . If you 'd come home , but you never did . Thank God my grandmother talks a lot , otherwise I 'd never known you were back here . Honestly , this was the last place I thought to look . You vowed you 'd never step foot in this town again . " I heard a noise and looked behind me to make sure no one was listening . There was no sign of Rachel or Grandma Hazel . I needed to get Robert away from here . What I didn 't need right now was advice about my life from Grandma Hazel . Posted in Blog Series Blog # 6 : A Family Affair Posted on February 14 , 2017February 19 , 2017 by lalewisblog I watched as Tasha fumbled with her fingers , waiting to hear me say that I won 't hate her once she tells me whatever news she had to share . " Well ? " Her eyes met mine . " Tell me you won 't hate me after I tell you this . " We sat , and for a moment we were both silent . I took my friend 's hand in mine . " I could never hate you . Whatever you have to tell me can 't be that bad . " After the day I 'd had , I needed it not to be that bad . " I 've wanted to tell you this ever since I found out , but I couldn 't . Mom made it clear that we weren 't to say a word to anyone until the right time . I guess it 's time . " Tasha shrugged her shoulders . I nodded . I remembered it well because Tasha called every day worried that she would lose her mother . " Well , when we were told she had breast cancer , she immediately thought the worse . She felt like she was going to die and wanted me to know the truth about our family . " The screen door creaked open behind us . " You told her yet ? " Karen questioned right before she downed whatever clear liquid she had in her glass . Most likely vodka . Her drink of choice . " I 'm trying to tell her now . " Tasha slightly turned in Karen 's direction . She kept that position for a second before rolling her eyes and facing me again . If the situation weren 't so frustrating , I 'd probably laugh at the antics between Tasha and Ms . Karen . That woman has worked Tasha 's nerves ever since I could remember and probably before that . I 'd never understand why Tasha chose to stay here in Bayou and deal with Karen for the rest of her life . " It don 't take that damn long to tell somebody y ' all cousins . Hell just say it . Nadia , ya 'll cousins . See how easy that was ? " Karen turned the empty glass to her mouth . " I need a drink . " She walked back inside leaving Tasha and me sitting there in a stunned silence . Mine was from shock and Tasha 's was probably from being pissed that once again , Karen had to take over and do things her way . " Cousins ? " I scooted away from Tasha so I could really see her face as she explained her mother 's words . " Can you skip all that and just tell me what she meant ? " My level of frustration and aggravation was at an all time high . I no longer had the time or desire for this rollercoaster conversation Tasha was taking me on . I absorbed her words and no matter how I tried , I still couldn 't get them to make sense in my head . " What do you mean they 're sisters ? What are you saying my grandparents gave your mother up or something ? " Tasha shook her head . " Not exactly . " Tasha stood too . " We have the same grandfather . Your grandfather had an affair with my grandmother and my mother and Aunt Faye were the products of that affair . " Immediately the name entered my mind . " The children across the street . The children across the street were your mom and aunt . The children across the street were my grandfather 's children ? " Tasha nodded . Now it all made sense . Now I understood why the hate was so thick between my grandmother and the children across the street . Of course she hated them . Who wouldn 't ? " I know this is a lot to take in . " Tasha talked and I barely listened . I was still imagining what it was like for my grandmother to walk out of her house everyday knowing the children playing in the yard right across the street belonged to her husband . " I have to go . " I was in my car and pulling off before Tasha could say another word . The short drive to my grandmother 's felt like an eternity . I wanted to go to her and hug her and tell her how sorry I was for all her pain . I know I didn 't cause it , but I still felt the need to comfort her . " Grandma Hazel ! " I called for her as soon as I walked through the door . " Grandma Hazel ! " I called again when she didn 't answer . I walked in the living room where I 'd left her relaxing in her chair . She was still there with her arms folded over her stomach . " Grandma Hazel . " Her eyes popped open . " What the hell ! What 's wrong with you ? You trying to give me a heart attack ! " Her wide eyes stared at me . " Don 't ever do that to me again . " I leaned down and hugged her . " You feeling better ? You rushed out of here like the house was on fire , " She asked when I finally let her go and sat on the stool next to her chair . " Why 'd you stay ? " I asked the questioned I 'd wondered ever since I was able to fully process the news I 'd just received . Grandma Hazel 's eyes narrowed . I understood the look of confusion very well . " What kind of question is that ? You wanna know why I stayed with my husband ? " " I want to know why you stayed after he cheated on you . After he had children with another woman . " She tilted her head and her eyebrows squished together . It was apparent she never intended for me to find out . " Who told you ? " Grandma Hazel looked away . " Your Grandfather was a good man . " She looked at me . " He was a good provider and a good father . He made his mistakes and I forgave him for it . There was nothing left to say about it . " She raised her brows and gave me a quick nod . Her nod was her period , final , no more questions to be asked or answered . I looked up and into the face of the last person in this world I wanted to see today … or ever for that matter . I stood . " What are you doing here ? " " I heard you were here . I wanted to see you . " Rachel walked into the living room and sat her designer purse on the sofa . She wore a fitted dress and heels , her signature look . Nadia could never remember a time her mother didn 't wear a dress and heels . " Hey . " Grandma Hazel was unusually quiet . Intuition said she 'd set this up . I should 've known there was a reason she kept mentioning Rachel yesterday . " You look beautiful . " Rachel 's watery eyes scanned my body . She stepped closer to me . I stepped back . She looked hurt , but it didn 't matter . " I couldn 't help but overhear the conversation when I walked in . I 'm guessing your grandmother finally told you the truth . " Rachel looked at me for answers . I remained silent . I had no words for her . " She ain 't hear nothing from me . " Grandma Hazel suddenly found her ability to speak again . " I don 't talk about it and I don 't want to hear about it . " Rachel laughed . " I should 've known it didn 't come from you . No , it couldn 't have come from you because if it had you 'd tell it all . Isn 't that right ? " Rachel looked at Grandma Hazel who 'd become a mute once again . " Right Mother ? " Rachel folded her arms . " You wouldn 't have your granddaughter running around here with a half truth would you ? " Grandma Hazel stood and walked in front of Rachel . " I called you here to fix things between you and your daughter . My life is none of y ' all 's concern . I don 't wanna hear about this ever again do I make myself clear ? " She looked back and forth between Rachel and me . " Very clear . " Rachel 's narrowed eyes showed she wasn 't done , but I was … for now . I tried to hold it in , but I couldn 't remain silent a minute longer . " I 'm so sick of all the secrets in this family . I 've been here two days and everywhere I turn there 's another secret to be discovered . Why can 't we all be honest for once ? This is why I don 't come home . I always leave more confused and with more questions than before I came . " Grandma Hazel looked at me . " You 're right , there are more secrets to be discovered , but the only ones you should be concerned with are the ones your mother 's carrying around , not mine . " Grandma Hazel walked to the entryway then stopped . She turned back to Rachel and me . " You walked in here so anxious to share the truth . Why don 't you start by telling your daughter the truth about her father . " With those words , she was gone . Rachel and I were left alone , smothered by the silence that wrapped around us . More questions . More secrets . More lies . The life I had when I arrived in Bayou two days ago felt like a distant memory . Who are these people ? Hell , who am I ? Posted in Blog Series Blog 5 : The Children Across the Street Posted on February 7 , 2017February 7 , 2017 by lalewisblog Grandma Hazel stared at me for what felt like eternity . I mentally prepared myself for this announcement that my grandmother was struggling to tell me . " Grandma , what is it ? " I finally asked . " Pregnant ? " My knees felt weak . Thank God there was a chair right behind me . Grandma Hazel sat next to me and placed her hand on my leg . " Do you remember that day in court ? " I lowered my head to avoid her sadness . I don 't know if she shook her head or not , so I just continued . " I remember it clearly . I sat on the front row behind the prosecutor who looked to be only a few years older than me . I couldn 't believe my dad 's fate lied in the hands of child , but I still trusted that the solid case against John , and my testimony , would lock him up for life . I just knew we had this , and then it happened . The Defense Attorney called Rachel to the stand and I was told I wouldn 't testify . " I paused for a moment as the floor became a blur through my tears . " Doll , you can 't keep doing this . " Grandma Hazel finally spoke . " I watched as Rachel stood and sashayed to the front of the courtroom . I still remember the tight black dress and red blazer she wore . I can hear the sound her six inch heels made as she strutted across the wooden floor . She demanded the attention of every man in there , including John . The man who murdered my father sat across from me with lust in his eyes for my mother . " Grandma Hazel rubbed her hand over my leg . " She can 't help how men look at her , Doll . Ever since she started developing guys were drooling over her . Your Grandpa Will used to have a fit when he 'd catch one of em ' looking . " " She stood on that stand , raised her hand , and swore to tell the truth . She swore … on the bible to tell the truth , and she lied . She looked at that judge , who looked at her as if she was some kind of rare delicacy that he was hungry to devour , she looked at him and she lied . She told him she believed what John did was an accident . An accident . " I didn 't realize I was screaming until I glanced over into the widened eyes of the couple sitting across from us . Reliving that day always caused my heart to race . I felt the same amount of rage twenty years later as I felt sitting there listening to my mother letting my dad 's killer off the hook . To this day , I still can 't believe it . Still didn 't want to believe that she cared so little for the man who loved her more than anything . My dad would 've never forgiven so easily if the situation were reversed . He would 've spent his entire life seeking justice , just as I thought we would if by chance things didn 't turn out our way , but Rachel 's testimony showed me I was all alone on this quest to seek justice . I stood and wiped my eyes . " I 'm ready go . " I told Grandma Hazel , who wasted no time grabbing her purse and joining me . I 'm sure I 'd embarrassed her enough . I knew exactly where I was going , but I couldn 't tell her . I didn 't need a lecture . What I needed was a friend and there were only two people in Bayou that fit that description . Since Tony was dealing with his own issues , that only left Tasha . I parked in front of her mother 's house , which happened to be her grandmother 's old house . Tasha 's mom , the oldest of five , inherited it once her grandmother passed away . This was the house that sat directly across the street from Grandma Hazel and Grandpa Will 's old house . Tasha 's mom and her mom 's siblings were the infamous , " children across the street . " The children Grandma Hazel and Rachel couldn 't stand . I 'd never heard Uncle Ken say anything about them one way or the other . I assumed he held the same sentiments as his mother and little sister though . Tasha 's mom , , stood on the front porch with a too tight jogging suit on , and glared in my direction . Her eyes narrowed as she tried to figure out who was parked in her driveway . I stepped out and walked to the porch . " I 'm Nadia Freeman , Tasha 's friend . " I reintroduced myself . It 's been years since we 've seen each other , so I understand the look of confusion . In fact , I expected it . " Nadia Freeman . " The way she wrinkled her nose as if she smelled something foul , told me she knew exactly who I was . What I didn 't know was what I did to deserve such a greeting . In the past she was the only person who seemed to approve of our friendship . Tasha and I would hang out at her house . It was the only place we didn 't have to worry about someone running back and reporting to Grandma Hazel or Rachel that we were together . The whole town must 've known about the rift between the two families . Everyone but us kids . The door opened behind her . " Hey Nadia . " Tasha came out looking like a much younger version of her mother . She smiled as she made her way to embrace me . Something we couldn 't do at the store . What I loved most about Tasha is that I never had to say much for her to know what I needed . We were in sync that way . Years and distance didn 't have anything on our connection . " You two have been friends a very long time . " Karen said , her smile still plastered on her face . " The older you get the more you start to look alike . Now I see the resemblance everyone else saw when you two were little girls . " " Mom . " Tasha left my side and stood next to her mother on the top step . " Go inside . " Tasha ordered . " Why ? Because I said you two look alike ? " Karen laughed . " You 're just as bad as those people . " She pointed to the empty land across the street where my grandparent 's house once sat . From what I heard , years after they purchased the land and built the house Grandma Hazel currently occupies , the little old wooden house they used to live in mysteriously burned down . No one ever figured out what happened , but arson was highly suspected . Everything in the house had been turned off so there was no way it was from a malfunction with wires or anything like that . Karen pointed in my direction . " This is a grown woman . She 's not a baby and neither are you . Why shouldn 't she know the truth ? Hell I told you a long time ago . She 's your friend isn 't she ? " Karen questioned . " What ? You think she wouldn 't want to be friends once she knows that the two of you are related ? " Tasha kept her eyes fixed on her mother . I could see the fire in them from the side view I held of her . I felt her anger even through the space that separated us , but my thoughts were still locked around her mother 's words . We 're related ? How ? " Save the apologies and tell me what she 's talking about ? What does she mean we 're related ? Related how and why is it such a big secret ? " Tasha 's eyes watered . " I don 't agree with how she did it , but my mom 's right . It 's time for you to know the truth , but please don 't hate me . " Her voice cracked at that request . Posted in Blog Series Blog 4 : Mommy Dearest Posted on January 31 , 2017February 28 , 2017 by lalewisblog I spent the next few days at Grandma Hazel 's swimming in emotions . My heart was breaking for Tony . I tried to keep talking to him , to keep his mind off his paternity issues , but nothing I said helped . I was seeing a side of him that I had never seen before . Especially when it came to Aunt Claudia . He 'd always been such a momma 's boy . Would fight if anyone even thought of saying ' yo momma . ' Now he 's the one scheming to bring her down . It didn 't make sense . " Doll , you in there ? " Grandma Hazel called from the other side of the bathroom door . Of course , I was the one in the bathroom . No one else was occupying this huge house besides the two of us . " Yes ma ' am . You need me ? " I kept my eyes closed praying the answer was no . I 'd just ran a hot tub of water and planned to sit in it until it turned ice cold . My body was tired but sleep refused to visit me in this house . I don 't know if it 's the Pepto Bismol colored walls or the pink canopy bed , but something wouldn 't allow me to rest . Heat flushed to my face . Robert Watkins was my first . Not my first love , but my first lover if that 's possible . Could you have a lover without the love ? Well , he was my first sexual experience . He was my partner in crime in the woods . The woods across the street from Grandma Hazel 's house . The woods that could tell all my secrets if it could talk . Thank God , the woods can 't talk . " I knew that name would jog your memory . You used to be so crazy about that lil red freckled faced boy . He 's the only reason you were always so ready for church on Sunday mornings . " Grandma Hazel laughed . " He 's a big - time doctor in California now . You should call him . He 's not married . " I blew the horn and waved at Mr . Jim who was sitting out in his front yard with his newspaper . Mr . Jim lived next door but not right next door . There was a field of empty land between the two houses . It used to be Mr . Jim 's farm many years ago . I remembered the hours we 'd spend picking peas , beans , and corn . I hated that garden with a passion , but I loved the meals . I put Grandma Hazel 's handicapped sign on my rearview mirror and parked right in front of the hospital . I listened as Grandma Hazel chatted about nothing in particular . When we approached the hospital doors something hit me out of nowhere . I was fine until those glass doors slid opened and then I froze . I literally froze . My feet wouldn 't take another step . " I … I … " I couldn 't speak . I hadn 't stepped foot in that hospital since the night my daddy was killed . Everything came rushing back to me . I felt sick . I tried not to give in to it , but I couldn 't stop the images from coming . It was like a movie playing on repeat . I could hear the doctors shouting orders to nurses and other doctors . I saw my daddy laying on the gurney being rushed through the hallway leaving a trail of blood behind . What smelled of disinfectant no longer reminded me of cleanliness . Now it reminded me of death . I mindlessly followed Grandma Hazel to the elevators . The very elevator that escorted my dad 's nearly lifeless body up to surgery . A surgery that never happened because by the time they reached the operating room he was gone . I refused to take another step . The elevator doors opened and closed and I just stood there staring , reliving that painful day . Grandma Hazel must 've understood because she pushed the button and we waited until elevator doors opened once again . Grandma Hazel followed the nurse 's directions and led us straight to Ms . Betty 's room . She was lying in bed with her eyes closed . Just like Grandma Hazel , age had taken over Ms . Betty 's body . Every wrinkle , every age spot , and every grey strand of hair showed a woman who 'd walked this earth long enough to earn every geriatric badge that she had . Ms . Betty slowly opened her eyes . " Hazel , " Ms . Betty 's voice was soft and raspy , but very welcoming of Grandma . " How you doing Hazel ? " Ms . Betty smacked her lips . " Ain 't nothing wrong with me . I told those people I just need a little Castor Oil and I 'll be fine . " " Yeah . " Ms . Betty gave a slight nod . " Come on over here chile let me look at you . I don 't think I 've seen you in quite some time . " I forced a smile . Being compared to Rachel gave me nothing to smile about . My relationship with my mother ended the day she testified at John 's trial . I know the Bible says to forgive , but damn the dirt was still fresh on my dad 's grave , and she had already forgiven his murderer . At that point , I knew she and I no longer had anything to talk about . I moved out of her house and in with Grandma Hazel until I graduated and moved to Baton Rouge for college . The day after I graduated from Southern University with my degree in criminal justice , I moved to Atlanta with my college roommate . Building a life in Atlanta was necessary for my sanity , but some things stay with you no matter how far and fast you try to escape them . Rachel 's betrayal was that thing for me . " How is Rachel ? I haven 't seen her a long time . " Ms . Betty pressed the button on her bed and raised herself up . She looked at me for an answer that I couldn 't provide . My patience was growing thin with Grandma Hazel . Ms . Betty knew something that Grandma Hazel didn 't want me to hear . She 'd never tried to hide things from me before . Even as a little girl I knew way too much grown up gossip . From the preacher sleeping with most of the women in the congregation to the chief of police who was more crooked than the felons he 'd arrested . Grandma Hazel and her Wednesday night home Bible Study always turned into a gossiping session and I was always close by to take it all in . I never told anyone though . I knew the consequences of talking outside Grandma Hazel 's house . I learned that lesson the hard way when I told Sister Mary what Grandma Hazel said about her nasty potato salad after church one Sunday . That was the first and only time Grandma Hazel ever tore my legs up with a switch from her fig tree . I was six or seven then . How was I supposed to know that was a secret ? I thought Sister Mary knew her potato salad was nasty . " I 'm so happy you came to see me Hazel . Tell everyone at the church I 'll be back soon . " She smiled as she lowered her headrest . " What 's going on ? " I asked Grandma Hazel as soon as we were in the elevator . " Ms . Betty was about to say something about Rachel , and you stopped her . Why ? " Grandma Hazel took me by the hand and led me to the waiting room across the hall . I knew the moment she made me sit down that what she was about to say was going to rip me apart . I prayed I was wrong … . Unfortunately , I wasn 't . " Home . Where I was told to go . " He never looked back , just kept his fast stride to his car . Tony 's long slim legs moved fast and my five foot tall frame , struggled to catch up to him . Something on the inside told me it wasn 't a good idea to send him alone . My cousin didn 't inherit the Freeman temper everyone said my grandfather possessed , but his demeanor today showed that it could be in there just waiting for the right moment to come out . Grandpa Will died when I was a baby so I never got to witness it firsthand , but I heard enough to know he was no one to mess with . " Can you tell me what 's going on ? " I asked Tony as he zoomed out of the driveway and slung my body against the door . " So you didn 't know either ? " He glanced at me then back at the road . Tony 's brown skin was now pale . He looked like he was going to be sick at any moment . Unlike me , my cousin didn 't handle drama very well , which was funny considering the lifestyle he lived . Tony pulled off to the shoulder of the road . He leaned his head against the headrest before banging the steering wheel with his fist over and over again . " Tony , " I lowered my voice so I wouldn 't set him off any more than he already was . When we were children and he 'd get upset from the other kids picking on him , I was usually the only person who could make him smile . Tony was always different . Grandma Hazel hated it , and Aunt Claudia and Uncle Ken were too busy with their careers to care one way or the other . I 'm sure they knew their son was unlike the other boys , but as long as he didn 't get into any trouble they were fine . I was the one who was there for him . Most days I 'd know just what to say to make everything right , but my magic didn 't seem to work too well today . Tony swiped a tear that had just fallen . " You heard me . Kenneth Freeman is not my father . I know this because Kenneth Freeman is sterile and always has been according to the medical records I found . " He laughed a gut wrenching hearty laugh that was filled with pain and anger . I sat speechless . I needed time to let the words register . Once they did I felt my eyes starting to sting . I didn 't realize I was crying until Tony wiped my cheek with his finger . Something about that revelation tore me apart . If Uncle Ken wasn 't Tony 's father , then that meant Tony and I weren 't blood cousins . The only person , other than Grandma Hazel , that I loved with everything in me wasn 't even related to me . " This doesn 't change anything , Tony . " I said those words for my benefit as well as his . " We 're still cousins and Uncle Ken is your father in every way that 's important . " Tony stared straight ahead . He ran his hand over his short wavy hair . He did that when he was stressed . When we were younger he 'd twist it around his finger . He used to have long pretty hair . Way too long and much too pretty for a boy , but Aunt Claudia refused to cut it . " Now I get it . Now I understand why it 's so easy for her to hate me . It 's not hard when there 's no relation . " He shook his head . " Grandma Hazel doesn 't hate you . She just doesn 't understand you . " I wanted to believe that so badly myself . Grandma Hazel did have a very strong dislike for Tony . She 'd always say he 's not natural . God didn 't mean for him to live like that . She couldn 't accept that his dating pool was open to all genders , races , and sizes . It was too much for Grandma Hazel to handle . " And she never tried to understand . I wasn 't important enough for her to spend the time to talk to me . Get to know how I was feeling . Do you know how it feels to get rejection from your peers and your family ? That hurts . " Tony opened the glove compartment to remove a cleaning wipe . He rubbed it over the dashboard . Tony was a neat freak , unlike myself . I wanted to tell Tony that it may help if he 'd pick a side and stay on it , maybe Grandma Hazel would be more accepting , but even I knew that wasn 't true . The only side she would accept is the female side and nothing else . Tony 's lifestyle was quite complicated . His sexuality depended on his location . In Bayou and surrounding areas , he was a lady 's man . He 'd built quite the reputation as being a player , but when he passed the state line he converted into Toni . The transformation was rather impressive , I must admit , but it 's also very dangerous . Tony never chose an average Joe . All his men were high profile in their professions . Most , if not all , were pro athletes and A - list actors . People who would go to any extent to silence him if they ever felt like exposure was a possibility . I 'd read the horror stories and thinking of losing Tony was depressing . I wish I could get him to see that , but he loved playing this game and it paid off well for him financially . He 'd never had a real job , but he has condos in New Orleans , Memphis , and Houston , and a very nice two - story house here in Bayou . The reality of what he 'd just said was more powerful than he may have realized . He was right , he had no idea and he hadn 't known for a very long time . Maybe that would explain the split identities . When Tony turned into Toni , he went full force . Nothing about him said male , except for the Adam 's apple that was only slightly evident after he 'd had it shaved down . He was searching for the real him . Maybe this reality would help him sort things out . " I don 't know . My original plan was to burst in the house and confront them and go postal , but you messed that up by coming along and calming me down . " He jabbed my arm playfully . I was relieved he 'd said that . I couldn 't imagine a battle between Tony and Uncle Ken ending too well for either one of them . Tony 's lean and tall , but he 's far from weak . Then there 's Uncle Ken who 's just as tall and slightly bigger , and even though he 's older , I can 't imagine my uncle going down without a fight . It 's not in the Freeman 's to give up . I 'd heard that line my whole life . " You wanna hear something crazy ? " Tony asked . " I always knew something was odd about our family . I mean look at us . I look nothing like my parents . How can you explain two high yella people making a brown child ? " He lifted a brow . " It is possible you know . Genetics are strange like that . Look at me and Rachel , we look nothing alike . " I stated with more pride than I should probably feel . " Yeah , but you look like Grandma Hazel . At the very least you can say you resemble someone in this family . I don 't look like none of y ' all . " His Bayou accent came out the more he talked . " Don 't get caught up on skin color and stop jumping to conclusions . You may have proof that Uncle Ken 's not your father , but Aunt Claudia is your mother . Don 't let your anger tear you away from the only parents you 've ever known . Go and talk with them and hear what they have to say . " " Talk ? " He threw the wet wipe in the cup holder between us . " Talk about what ? How they lied to me my whole life ? I have a whole family out there that I know nothing about . " Tony pointed out the window . " You don 't play with people 's lives like that . It wasn 't their choice to make . I have a right to know who I am . " His jawline tightened . He turned his head slowly in my direction . His eyes narrowed , and I swear they looked a lot darker than they did a minute ago . " My parents are frauds . Lying to the people out there is one thing , but to the person you 're supposed to love more than your own life ? The person you 're supposed to protect . The one you 're supposed to be there for when … " He took a deep breath . " When what ? " My heart beat harder waiting for the answer , but I got nothing but silence . Five minutes of silence and deep breathing . " That 's just not right . " He finally spoke . " I think it 's time for them to feel the consequences of their actions . " Tony 's brow lifted . Uncle Ken and Aunt Claudia were both politicians . She was a councilwoman and he was a state representative ready to throw his name in the hat for Governor . The fact that they 're liars was no secret . It went with their occupation . A scandal of any kind could ruin their careers and reputations . They worked very hard to establish themselves as a power couple . If Tony thought they were going to allow him to tear down everything they 'd built , he was wrong . This was not going to end well . I felt it in my spirit . " Tony , think about what you 're saying . Doing something like that wouldn 't just hurt them , but a lot of other people too . The young people in this community look up to your parents , they always have . " " Yes , because they don 't know the truth . They don 't know the real Ken and Claudia and I can 't allow them to be fooled any longer . They have everyone fooled , including you . " I don 't know why that announcement didn 't shake me more than it did . Maybe because a part of me knew something wasn 't right about Uncle Ken and Aunt Claudia . They were too perfect and people like them always made me wonder how much was real and how much was an act . Though they may not be the people they 've made us believe they were , they 're still family and we protect family , not destroy them . Unless the act is just that unforgivable , which would be the case between Rachel and I . " You 're quite . I 'm sure you 're wondering what I 'm talking about , but believe me you 'll find out soon enough . " Tony stated , causing me to turn my attention back to him . " Actually , my thoughts are about you . I know you want to teach your parents a lesson , but are you ready for everyone to know your business because trust me if you go for them they 're going to come for you and their swing may be a lot harder . " I paused for emphasis . " Don 't open a door to something you 're not ready to release . " I tilted my head and hoped he could fill in the spaces I 'd chosen to leave blank . He swiped a tear that was about to fall . " I don 't care about any of that . I want them to hurt the same way they 've hurt me . As long as they don 't come out on top then I 'm good . " I couldn 't believe this was the cousin I knew and loved . I understood why he was hurt , but this was on another level . This didn 't feel like a child with paternity issues , this felt a lot deeper and a whole lot darker . " I 'm not saying they were right for hiding this from you , but what if they were trying to protect you from something ? " I was grasping for anything at this point . Tony 's rage felt unfamiliar and I didn 't trust that he wouldn 't go to his parent 's and do something crazy . He asked the question I couldn 't answer , but there had to be a reason they decided to hide this for so long . I already knew this was going to get worse before it got better . I was prepared to be there for my cousin in any way he needed me . This tangled web that was spun so many years ago was tearing him apart , and I had no idea it would eventually wrap me in it too . Posted in Blog Series Blog 2 : Deadly Deception Posted on January 17 , 2017February 7 , 2017 by lalewisblog Beads of sweat dripped down my back . My nails dug into the palm of my hands . The urge to kill grew stronger and stronger the longer I stared into his dark eyes . " I 'm not going anywhere . " I started to pull away from my grandmother , but even in the height of anger , my good senses prevailed . Disrespecting Grandma Hazel was something I 'd never do . " Listen . " Grandma Hazel pulled me closer to her . " I don 't have Sally so don 't start nothing . " She barely parted her lips as she spoke . " I don 't need Sally . " I 'd never deny myself the pleasure of feeling the life seeping from his worthless body . I couldn 't say that part out loud from fear of Grandma Hazel thinking I 'd gone off the deep end . The bass in his voice shook me to my core . As cold as it was outside , on the inside I was on fire . I could feel the heat warming my face . My golden skin never disguised my anger . " Respects ? You came to pay respects ? Did you respect him when you killed him ? " I inched closer . Grandma Hazel held on a little tighter . " Was it out of respect that you aimed that gun at him and fired ? " My voice echoed through the trees surrounding us . " You need to leave . " My grandma 's hand trembled around my arm . " My grip won 't last much longer and I can 't protect you from the rage this girl 's been holding inside . " She warned him . " I 'm sorry , " he whispered . He stood a little longer . His weary eyes now stared at me . I glared back and refused to blink . I wanted him to see every ounce of anger I had for him . I wouldn 't give him the satisfaction of hiding behind it , not even for a second . My breathing was uncontrollable . I hadn 't had a panic attack in a long time , but seeing my father 's murderer standing at his grave triggered a major one . I tried to catch my breath as I sat in the cold grass at the foot of my father 's grave . At times like these he 'd know what to say to calm me down , but my calming mechanism , my protector from all things bad , was no longer here . He hadn 't been here for a very long time . Over twenty years as Grandma Hazel reminded me earlier . Twenty - two years to be exact . My family calls it the accident , but what John Walker did was no accident . " Doll , listen to me . " Grandma Hazel stood over me . " I love you too much to watch you kill yourself over someone like John Walker . Your daddy would not want you living like this . " Grandma Hazel was usually right , but not this time . My daddy would want me living like this because I 'm the only one willing to fight for his justice . Looking for the system to help was no longer an option . That hope faded with each year that passed . I 'm my daddy 's only means to justice and it will come . " I 'm listening . " I stared at the picture on the tombstone of my dad . I remembered that day so well . It was the day of my seventeenth birthday . My dad had surprised me with my first car . It was a light blue Honda Accord that 's still parked behind my Grandma 's house . I don 't drive it but the thought of letting it go makes my heart hurt . That was the last gift my father could give me , and I promised him that I 'd keep it forever . When I waved , and drove my brand - new car out of the driveway , I had no idea what I 'd be coming home to later on that night . I could still hear their voices as they argued over only God knows what . I followed the commotion to the back door and that 's when it happened . My daddy warned him not to come back there again . He took a step towards John and then there was the shot . One single shot that caused him to drop to his knees . I didn 't realize how hard I was crying until Grandma Hazel leaned down and started making small circles on my back . That was her way of soothing me when I was upset . As a little girl she 'd instruct me to lay on her lap while she 'd rub my back and hum Amazing Grace , her favorite hymn . Back then it worked , but today the anger overrode Grandma Hazel 's touch . " Daddy , I 'm so sorry I wasn 't there sooner . " The warm tears streamed down my cheeks . At every visit I apologized . I should 've been home to save him instead of out joyriding with Tasha . I sat a while longer until I started feeling better . Even in spirit he had a way of making everything okay . I stood and brushed off the grass that clung to my wool coat . I blew my daddy a kiss and slowly made my way back to the car . The drive back to Grandma Hazel 's was filled with so many mixed emotions . I spent the ten - minute drive plotting how I could get away with murder , just as John had . Self - defense was his claim and the jury bought it , but that was no surprise . His dad was the most brilliant legal mind in Bayou . He had a lot of high profile clients from all over the world who paid him good money to make things happen in their favor . He 'd never lost a case , and I 'm sure it 's because of the stories I 'd heard about him . In many of his cases witnesses would either change their stories at the last minute , or in some instances come up missing . It didn 't take a brain surgeon to know who was behind those mysterious disappearances . My mood instantly lifted . Tony is my favorite cousin . His father , my Uncle Ken , is Grandma Hazel 's oldest child and only son . Growing up , Tony and I lived right next door to each other which was the norm here . Family tend to settle across the street , next door , or even in the same yard as other family members . Tony is the only person in our family who never acted like I was crazy when I shared what I saw the night my father died . No one believed John , sweet quiet John , would ever hurt anyone on purpose . It had to be an accident . That was the only logical explanation . Tony loved me because I accepted his truth , just as he accepted mine . I loved Tony for who he was designed to be . I didn 't always agree with the way he spent his time , but I was the last person who could judge anyone for the choices they 'd made . Grandma Hazel , on the other hand , wasn 't so accepting of Tony or his choices . " Hey . " I wrapped my arms tightly around Tony , but I could barely feel his arms around me . I stepped back to examine his face . That 's when I saw the moisture in his eyes . " What are you talking about ? " Grandma Hazel 's narrowed eyes and snappy tone were evidence of her dislike for her grandson . Her disposition towards Tony was something the public would never see . That 's what I meant when I said we Freeman 's were good at putting on a show for everyone else 's viewing pleasure . " I know a lot and you wouldn 't be able to handle half of it . I knew you 'd find out one day , but the answer you want will not come from me , now go home . " Grandma Hazel stared at Tony for what felt like eternity before she finally disappeared behind the door . I didn 't know what the conversation was about , but I knew enough to know it wasn 't good . I knew coming back to Bayou I 'd risk the chance of being exposed to more family secrets . It always happened , which is why I chose to stay away . Pretending to be normal was much easier around strangers . I 'd hoped this issue with Tony was it , but little did I know this was just the beginning . There was so much more I wasn 't prepared to learn or accept . |
Christmas was INSANE . Ray woke me up by thumping on the kitchen door at about 7am . I grabbed my robe and sweats and headed downstairs to let him outside . While he was out taking care of business , I put some food in his bowl , then let him back in and returned to the sink to clean up the cat dishes and a few things from the night before . I heard squeaking . I walked into the hallway and saw Ray with his first present , a roll of 4 squeaky kong tennis balls , already half unwrapped . He was going to town on the squeaker of one of them , tossing the package into the air , spinning around , tail wagging madly . I ran to get my cellphone to snap a few pictures but it was woefully unequal to the task of getting Ray in action on a dim morning . I ran to get my video camera . By the time I got back , Ray was working on his second present , a two - pack of flavored rawhide chews from my sister Kathy . I recorded the event which turned into a game of keepaway . Gregg came down to join us . Hugo watched balefully from the stairs . Gregg handed Ray his third present for the day and wished him a Merry Christmas . Ray settled down to open the present , revealing a rawhide bone with knots on the end like a pretzel . Another gameof keepaway ensued . Then back to the flavored rawhide bones . Then to the tennis balls . Ray killed the squeaker on one and returned to the rawhide chews . He picked one up and headed outside followed by his videographer . Another game of keepaway followed by a burial . We returned to the tree where Ray picked out a few of the cat toys and tried to open them . I insisted that he leave them for the cats . Then he picked up one of my presents and started to chew it . I took it away . He was nosing aggressively through everything interspersed with picking up his bones and tossing them in the air . ( He quickly lost interest in the tennis balls . ) Ray was a whirlwind of activity . Gregg and I opened a few presents but Ray was enthusiastically entering into the spirit of Christmas by trying to eat my two new hoodies ( thanks mom ! ) , an earring boPosted by I used to believe . . . . . . that there is nothing more peaceful - looking in this world than a cat sleeping but I have discovered that dogs are incredibly peaceful - looking too . In the case of Ray , they are also more mournful . I 've never heard so many deep sighs and old - man groans than when Ray is curled up in bed . . . . that cats are better than dogs because they can purr . Cats make you feel special by curling up in your lap and purring and purring . Dogs do this by putting their heart and soul into their eyes ( even blind dogs ) . They look at you like you are the only person on the planet that matters to them ( of course they do this to anyone with food in their hands but that is beside the point ) . . . . that cats are smarter than dogs . ( actually I still believe this , I 've just modified my thinking a bit . And of course some cats and dogs are smarter than others ) . What I 've really discovered is how different their intelligence is . Cats are adult smart . You can see their brains working all the time figuring things out , looking at the pros and cons of everything then making a decision ( not always the smart one though ) . Dogs are kid smart . They do stuff they have to to get what they want ( If I sit , I will get a treat . If I learn how to open this gate to the upstairs , I can rummage through trash cans and maybe get food from the cat room ) . But the thing that makes me question a dog 's intelligence more than anything is the fact that they eat cat shit and christmas ornaments and pretty much anything else . . . . that there was nothing funnier than a cat at play . But watching Ray try to kill a pair of underwear really cracks me up . . . . that I would always have cats and never have a dog . But we all know how that turned out . . . So , how does a blind dog know which are his Christmas presents ? Today while Gregg was at work , I decided to take the Christmas presents downstairs to the dining room and do some wrapping on the dining room table . I grabbed some bags out of my closet and headed down the stairs trailed by my hound dog . Ray immediately started grabbing for one of the bags trying to rip it out of my hands . I shooed him off , deposited my load on the table and went off in search of accoutrements . Ray remained behind in the dining room ( should 've tipped me off ) . By the time I returned Ray had one of the bags on the floor and was rummaging around in it . I grabbed the bag from him but not before he had extracted a bone - shaped rubber toy . He took off down the hall towards his favorite keepaway route around the coffee table in the living room . We had a lively game for a few minutes before I was able to retrieve his now - slobbery present . I wrapped presents while Ray circled the table , every few minutes putting his front legs on the table and trying to relocate the bag with his gift , and every time getting a stern " Bah " for his trouble ( at least the reprimand is finally seasonable ) . He 's After the Bag of Squeaky Tennis Balls I finished wrapping all the presents ( except for the slobbery bone - it needed to air dry ) then headed out to the mail stash to open one of the boxes that had arrived from my sister Kathy . I wanted to put the presents under the Christmas tree . The box contained presents for everyone , me , Hugo , Moonie and Ray ( Gregg 's gift was in a separate package ) . I deposited the presents under the tree and went to dispose of the box . I came back into the hallway where we had set up the tree to admire it now that it had presents under it ( we set the tree up in the hallway so that we didn 't have to rearrange furniture - we didn 't want Ray to have to learn a new layout - although , honestly , I don 't think it would be a problem for him . He 's so ADAPTABLE ) . Ray was nosing around the base of the tree . He stretched his neck out under the tree anRay the Blind Dog Take me to Your LeaderWell , it 's the holiday season and boy have we been busy . I was keeping a list of all of things that I wanted to blog about , but in the mayhem have lost it . Ray has been a big help this season . He helped us pick out a Christmas tree ( we figured that if he didn 't stop to sniff it , he wouldn 't feel compelled to mark it every day ) . He helped with the holiday cleaning by eating a couple rolls of toilet paper ( I think his idea of " help " in this area might be a little different than mine ) . Ray vs . Toilet PaperHe helped entertain Mom , Dad , John , Yuko and Hannah while they were here for 4 or 5 days and even shared his bed , ( Yuko , who was having an allergy attack , took a Benadryl , curled up in Ray 's bed ( while he was sleeping in it ) and took a nap with him ) . Ray Taking His Guests on a Tour Around the Backyard He helped with the tree trimming by staying out of everyone 's way , then decided that maybe we had too many ornaments and crunched up a couple of the glass balls . ( I told everyone to hang the glass high - but obviously his reach is higher than they thought . The second one cut his tongue so he hasn 't touched one since . ) He is such a good dog . Ray trying to Go Home with HannahEveryone Glad to be Leaving Before the BIG SNOWAmazingly , Ray adjusted very quickly to having a tree in the house although his enthusiastic tail wagging tends to sweep whole sections of ornaments off of the tree at once . Also , he has tried to open one of the presents that arrived in the mail , but it WAS addressed to him and the cats , so technically he was within his rights . I explained to him that he had to wait until Christmas like everyone else . Also , in the spirit of the season , we had a major snowstorm this weekend and Ray got to experience lots and lots of SNOW . To my complete surprise , Ray turned out to be quite the snow bunny . He LOVED the snow . Walking in a Winter WonderlandIs Anyone DOWN There ? For about 15 minutes . Now that the novelty has worn off , Ray is bored . Will it Never END ? Has Anyone Seen the Cars ? Merry Christmas ! Posted by I was working outside raking leaves and grinding them up in the chipper / shredder . The noise is horrendous so Ray was staying inside . After about 10 minutes of work , I checked on him just to make sure he wasn 't getting into anything . Ray was in the front hallway , peacefully chewing a rawhide strip . I returned to work . After another 10 or 15 minutes , I checked on him again . Ray was on a chair in the living room , curled up , looking peaceful . After another 15 or 20 minutes , I checked on him again . Ray was curled up in bed , looking wide awake , but peaceful . After another 20 or 30 minutes , I checked on him again . Ray was nowhere to be seen . The gate to the upstairs was open . I dropped my rake and ran upstairs . Ray was just coming out of the cats ' room . All the dishes were empty but the bags of food were safe in a metal box ( which is where they 've been ever since he ate the bag of cat food last time ) . Moonie was in her tent completely oblivious . Hugo was in bed watching interestedly as I dragged Ray out of the room , refilled the cat dishes and put the lock on the cat room door . I took Ray downstairs , closed the gate and went back outside . After another 10 minutes , I checked on him again . Ray was once again nowhere to be seen . The gate to the upstairs was open . I called " Ray . RAY . RAY ! , " then dropped my rake and walked to the stairs . Ray was standing at the top of the stairs " looking " down at me . He had a bit of drool hanging from his mouth . The hook and eye was still in place on the cat room door - holding it ajar just enough to let the cats in . There was a small puddle - right about where Ray 's head is usually jammed through the crack - where he pushes and pushes but makes no headway against the hook and eye . Coulda been dog drool but I couldn 't prove it . I went back outside to work . Posted by It was supposed to rain in the afternoon so I took Ray to the dogpark early . The rain started shortly after we got home . I spent the day cleaning and Ray spent the day following me from room to room looking bored . If I spent more than 15 minutes in one place he would curl up on the closest piece of furniture and take a nap . By 3 : 00 he was looking for something to get into and I needed to go to the grocery store . I bundled him into the car with the thought that I would pick up what I needed then take him to my old Karate school to visit . They have an after - school program for kids 5 years and older , and I thought Ray might enjoy meeting someone new . I picked up my groceries then hooked Ray to his leash to walk by the school . It was closed . I figured Mr . Jason was out picking up the kids so I walked Ray to the end of the strip mall and back . Ray was excited . He loves to shop ( he was window shopping ) and he loves the smell of McDonalds , Outback Steakhouse , and the Chinese and Greek restaurants . By the time we got back to the school , Mr . Jason was walking across the parking lot followed by 15 or so kids . When they saw Ray coming up the walk , they all started oohing and ahhhhing . One little girl said " Can we pet your dog ? " " Sure , " I replied . The word was barely out of my mouth when all 15 kids swarmed Ray , petting and hugging him . Ray didn 't have time to jump . He couldn 't move except to try to lick everyone 's face and hands at once . He tried to flop on his back to get a belly rub but there were so many kids around that he couldn 't maneuver enough to do that . He stood and wagged his tail and gave out kisses to all who wanted them . I tried to make sure that he didn 't grab anyone 's wrist ( he only tried a couple of times ) and that he didn 't jump up and bop anyone in the face . Ray was in heaven . Mr . Jason let us into the school with the kids . I handed some treats to the little girls who were fawning all over Ray and told them to tell him to flop . Ray flopped . The little girls were charmed and wanted more treats to feed to RaRay the Blind Dog Three days after Thanksgiving . We decided to have a Cobb Salad with the remains of the turkey ( breast ) carcass . I volunteered to cut the last of the bits of turkey off the bones . The breast was covered in foil on the counter in front of me . The cats were standing by for turkey bits , Ray was in bed . " Cough , " I said to Gregg . " Cough or Ray will hear me taking the foil off of the turkey and come into the kitchen . " We both started coughing . We heard the jingling and it wasn 't Santa . Ray appeared at the door of the kitchen . " SIT . STAY , " I said . Ray sat and stayed . I dropped a piece of turkey in front of him . Moonie scooted by him and up the stairs . Hugo hunkered down behind the rolling butcher block cart and watched Ray scarf up his tasty morsel . I filled a plate with turkey for our dinner and one for the cats . I dropped a few pieces on the ground for Ray . We all gave thanks one last time . Posted by On Thanksgiving morning Ray and I headed to the dogpark . It was a bit later than we usually go and , because it was a holiday , there were tons of people and dogs . Two guys started passing a football back and forth while their dogs wandered around . A German Shepherd started chasing the ball as it flew between the two guys . The Shepherd was almost immediately joined by an American Bulldog and about a dozen other dogs , the shepherd and bulldog being the instigators and the most aggressive in their pursuit of the ball . My blind dog Ray , not knowing what was going on , but sensing that SOMETHING FUN was happening , joined the pack , always about a half a turn behind the rest . They would be barking at the guy with the ball as he threw it , and Ray would be yelling his head off as he trotted the stretch between the two guys , generally headed in the wrong direction . The bulldog tackled the guy who fumbled the ball . The shepherd took off with it , followed by the pack of dogs and the guy trying to get his ball back . Ray yelled . People laughed . The guy eventually got his ball back and the game broke up . We stayed at the park for over an hour . Ray was having a blast and didn 't want to leave . That night I was working on a project in my office . Gregg yelled upstairs " Ray 's limping again . I massaged his leg a bit . " " Give him an anti - inflammatory ! " I yelled back . About half an hour later I went down to check on the hound . He was stretched out , sound asleep in his bed , snoring . Gregg had given him a pill and thrown a light blanket over him as he slept . ( Do I have a great husband , or what ? ) This morning , Ray was in fine form . Except for the slightly swollen leg , it was difficult to tell that he 'd been under the weather the night before . We stayed home from the park even though Ray was obviously bored at home . It 's going to be a tough convalescence while we wait for his knee to recuperate fully . Yesterday Ray was such a good dog that I thought maybe someone had switched him with someone else 's dog . I also noticed that he was eating a lot of grass when we took our walks . This morning he didn 't finish his breakfast and wasn 't his usual playful self . It figures that Ray is the most perfectly - behaved dog when he isn 't feeling so hot . I decided that maybe it was the anti - inflammatories ( that he was taking for his knee ) that was making Ray feel bad . So I stopped giving them to him . Noonish , I noticed that he seemed to be perking up . When I made myself a bowl of popcorn for lunch , Ray jumped up on the couch next to me and put his nose in my face , literally trying to steal the food from my mouth . I pushed him off the couch with my forearm . Ray immediately used his usual tactic of coming at me from a different direction . He hopped his front feet up on the couch and stretched his neck out . I " Bah " ed and told him " off " , pushing him feebly with a hand full of popcorn . One piece popped out of my hand onto the floor . Ray hopped down and started sniffing around ( how did he know that one piece fell on the carpet ? can he hear a piece of popcorn hit the carpet ? did it leave a scent trail as it flew through the air ? ) . His ears were deployed in full Dumbo the Elephant mode as he sniffed , sniffed , SNIFFED . He was getting farther away from the piece of food when I noticed that the lamp and wireless telephone docking station were silently sliding across the end table . I quickly set my bowl of popcorn on the coffee table and grabbed Ray 's collar . He was tangled in the phone and lamp cord . I removed the cords from around his feet , replaced the phone and lamp , and turned just in time to see his head in my bowl . I guess he was feeling much better . Sometimes when I 'm standing at the kitchen sink , Ray comes up behind me and puts his nose on my butt cheek . Then he snuffles down my leg to my knee , moves to the other leg , snuffles up to my butt cheek and stops . I always find myself wondering . . . what did I sit in ? Gregg and I went to a yard sale this morning . I 'm always looking for toys for a blind dog and this morning I bought two . A mink stole - made out of half a dozen little minks - and a sheep . Not a real sheep but one made out of wool . We all know how Ray LOVES wool . So here he is with his sheep . I 'm saving the minks for later . . . . . And here he is playing with a rawhide chew . And finally , Moonie when she thought Ray was never coming back ( from the vet on Wednesday ) Ray is bored . He hasn 't been to the dog park in three days . Of course , the first day he was sick . The second day , while he was still recovering ( but bored ) , I took him with me to the PetStore to get food and rawhide . Ray loves to shop . It 's kind of funny to see him become so overwhelmed with the smells in the store that he doesn 't know which way to go first . I really have to watch him though . Ray is a shoplifter . Otherwise , he is pretty well behaved in the store . It 's part of my training plan to get him completely socialized - expose him to as many people and situations as possible . It 's the third day and Ray is , apparently , fine . All day long he followed me around the house and when I stopped to do something he would hang his head and give a deep sigh . Or he would yawn so wide that I could have fit my head in his mouth . Then I would say " Oh the poor blind dog doesn 't have anything to do . He doesn 't have any friends and no one will pay attention to him . It 's just so sad ! " and Ray would look a little embarrassed but it didn 't stop him . I took him for a walk around the block this morning and we ran into Sasha ( See " Ray and Sasha , A Love Story " 7 - 2 - 09 ) and Betsy ( Sasha 's mom ) . Ray was so glad to see Sasha . It was as if he hadn 't seen another dog for weeks . They played on the ends of their leashes , both of them going a little crazy , when all of a sudden Sasha slipped her collar . She took off across the street with Betsy in hot pursuit , calling " Sasha ! Come on Sasha ! Come here Sashie ! " I stayed on the other side of the street and was calling too , my heart was in my throat ( I could only imagine what Betsy was feeling ) . I yelled to Betsy " Run AWAY from her and call her ! " " Run away ! " ( Advice I 'd gotten from my BFF ) . I pulled Ray on his leash and we started away from Sasha " Sasha ! Come on Sashie , " I was trying to sound like we were going to have loads of fun . Betsy hesitated for a brief moment then started away from Sasha too , still calling her . Sasha stopped and looked at all of her friends leaving , then turned and folloPosted by Ray the Blind Dog , who seemed at death 's door yesterday , made a seemingly miraculous recovery overnight . This morning he ate his breakfast , then settled down for a short nap while waiting for me to get out of bed . When he got up , he rolled ecstatically around on the carpet in the front hall , opened a jar of hand cream to lick at the contents , tried to kill his bed cushion ( a new morning ritual ) , grabbed a package of deli turkey meat off of the ( newly cleaned ) refrigerator shelf , joined me outside while I filled the bird feeder then tried to steal the bird food container out of my hand so that he could play with it ( a half - gallon milk jug with the bottom cut off - an obvious choice for a dog toy ) , and finally , when I settled down with my coffee and the computer , he went back to bed . Obviously , not 100 % yet . It 's good to have him home . Posted by I spent the day doing random things . I couldn 't seem to concentrate , the refrigerator now has two shelves ( of 4 ) that are clean , the kitchen has one clean window , the laundry room a clean sink , Gregg 's office is ( mostly ) ( somewhat ) clean , two floorboards in my bedroom have been successfully de - squeaked , two spots on the stairwell have been spot - painted ( where we removed the old pet gate ) , etc . etc . etc . By 3 : 00 I couldn 't take it anymore , I called the vet . " Hi , I 'm calling to see if you have any updates on Ray . " I said to the nice lady on the other end of the line . " Hold on , " she replied , " I 'll see if the Dr . has any news . " I waited for a moment and my favorite vet was on the phone . " Well , he 's up and around , " said the doctor sounding chipper , " I 'm going to take some X - rays and call you back in about an hour . " " Great ! , " I replied feeling total relief that my dog wasn 't dead yet , " Thanks . " I hung up the phone and returned to my randomness . I shredded papers and emptied trash . 4 : 00 rolled by . I cleaned cat boxes and cleared stuff off the patio . 5 : 00 . I wandered around the back yard looking at things that needed to be done . 6 : 00 . Gregg came home from work . I called the vet again . " The Dr . is with a patient . He said he 'll call you as soon as he 's done , " the receptionist said . At 6 : 50 we got a call from the vet tech . " You can come get Ray , " he said " The Dr . has X - rays that he wants to show you when you get here . " On the way to the vet Gregg and I wondered if the doctor wanted to show us X - rays that would indicate how horribly ill our dog was or that would show a broken bone or something . We were nervous . The door to the vet was locked when we got there . We knocked and the receptionist got up to let us in . " The Dr . is with a patient , he 'll be with you in a minute or two , " she said . Gregg and I paced and waited . After a minute or two one of the vet assistants came out with Ray on a leash looking perfectly fine . He sniffed interestedly at the bags of food around the reception area . Obviously his appetite had returned . AfRay the Blind Dog This morning Ray wouldn 't get out of bed and wouldn 't eat . We took him to the vet and dropped him off so that they can keep an eye on him . Ray was fine yesterday although I noticed late yesterday afternoon when he got up after a nap he seemed stiff . But then we went for a walk around the block , he ate dinner with his usual gusto , and got up to sniff what we were having for dinner . Last night Gregg took him out to pee before putting him to bed . All was normal . This morning Ray was shivering and wouldn 't stand . We covered him with a blanket and carried him out to the car on his cushion . The vet will call us later with info . Posted by I decided to go ahead and make Ray a bed out of the fleece fabric that he loved so much , despite the fact that his initial impulse was to kill it ( see Ray and the New Toy ) . I used lots of velcro and a couple of different types of fabric with the fleece lining the bed part so that it was comfortable for the dog , beautiful on the outside , and functional for me . I can easily disassemble it , throw the outside cover in the wash , and replace the high density foam as needed . I finished the bed part a week or two ago and gave it to Ray to see if he would sleep in it without trying to tear it up . He did ( sleep in it , I mean . Not tear it up ) . Then I made a redundant , separate cushion stuffed with fiberfill so that I only have to wash that instead of the whole bed . I thought this was a little dicey considering his reaction to the fabric and the stuffed toy , but I had some leftover fleece and the fiberfill , so what the heck . I put the cushion in his bed and Ray , the obliging dog that he is , walked over , pawed the fiberfill cushion to fluff it up a bit and went to bed . He waited until the morning to try to kill it . Ray Testing Out the New BedThe morning was raining . It was cold too . I figured I 'd take Ray to the dogpark and let him run around a bit by himself ( no one else would be stupid enough to go out in this weather . ) I weatherproofed myself and brought along a towel and a flannel blanket for Ray for afterwards . ( He is NOT a cold weather dog ) . I hooked Ray to his leash , picked up my keys and headed to the door . Ray went along willingly ( he was bored ) . He walked out the door and led me up to the car - this is where the amazing part comes in - Ray KNEW that we were going somewhere in the car . I have all of my keys on a lanyard - type thing that I hang around my neck . When we go for a walk around the block , I detach the car keys from the house keys ( they are attached by a small carabiner so they are easy to take off ) and leave them behind . Ray KNOWS that when I have my house keys around my neck , we take a walk around the block - hePosted by I love watching the dogs at the dogpark . I 've seen breeds that I 've never even heard of and have observed a few things about which I 'm going to make outrageous generalizations . If generalizations bother you , stop reading nowBorder Collies are not very social , they are only interested in chasing things . Bichons always seem to be getting beat up by other dogs . Great Pyrenees look like dog food commercials , especially when they are trotting towards you and all of their fur is flowing in the breeze . Vizslas are attractive , eye - catching dogs . Wire - haired Vizslas are eye - catching in a different way , they look like catfish with fur . When a really good game gets going and four or five or six dogs are playing together , I find myself thinking of the term " dog pile . " I think this must be where the term comes from . Pit bull puppies have to be the cutest things in the world , it 's hard to believe what people do to these dogs . Sometimes a dog is so beautiful and graceful when it moves that my breath catches in my throat when I watch them . Huskies , border collies , Australian shepherds , Australian Cattle dogs , and other working dogs need a ridiculous amount of exercise . There sure are a lot of beagles . Almost every dog I 've met at the dogpark has been a " rescue " which leads me to believe that there are a lot of good people out there . Almost everyone who has ever rescued a dog has been told that it is a lab mix despite the fact that it looks nothing like a lab . People love to talk about their dogs . I like to listen to people talk about their dogs . I was working upstairs when I heard Ray start to yell . It was a nice day so I had left the backdoor open and Ray was in and out through the screen . This wasn 't his usual yelling , this was a frantic , almost hysterical yell . I dropped what I was doing and ran for the back yard . Ray was at the far fence yelling his head off . The two Bichons on the other side were barking frantically also . I called to Ray , who turned and trotted to me , then turned back to run to the fence , then turned back to me , then turned back to run to the fence and started his hysterical yelling again . I followed him over , thinking maybe the little dogs had gotten him riled up . I peered over the fence at the dogs and saw our neighbor , a young woman , lying on the ground on her back with her arms stretched out . ( She has lately started having seizures ) . Her mother was on her knees beside the young woman , tenderly stroking her arm , murmuring soothingly to her while she was in the slow process of coming out of a seizure . My hound had either taken his cues from the other dogs , or somehow sensed what was transpiring on the other side of the fence and had frantically announced what was going on . I did what I could to help ( which was basically nothing ) , the little dogs were anxiously running around , Ray got quiet . Her mother , with some help from the man across the street , half carried , half guided the young woman into the house . I took my dog and went back inside . I really must remember to bring poop bags EVERY time Ray goes for a walk now . I can count on one hand ( and have fingers left over ) the number of times Ray has pooped outside of his own backyard . The other times I was lucky enough to have a bag in my pocket or found one the street nearby . Yesterday was not one of those times . We had walked up to the school for our morning training when all of a sudden Ray stopped dead and started doing the poop dance . I futilely groped around in my pocket for a poop bag and desperately looked around to see if there was a stray newspaper bag lying around somewhere . No luck . I took the ziplock sandwich - size baggie of dog treats out of my pocket and emptied them onto the sidewalk . I looked dubiously at the size of the bag in my hand and the growing mound of poop on the grass . Ray stepped aside and started to eat the treats off of the ground . I gingerly stepped up to the task . I guess I should have thought it through a bit better before starting . I should have turned the bag inside out . I now had a baggie full o steaming poop and I had no way of closing it . I daintily held it away from my person and we resumed our walk . We were a block from home when Ray got a wild hair . He started doing the spastic cannonball at the end of his leash . I was dodging and laughing and trying to hang onto the poop and keep it from being exploded by the cannonballs whizzing by . I was starting to sweat a little and it was 40 degrees outside . Just as quickly as it started , the fusillade stopped . We made it home without further incident . I found a larger bag for my smelly little packet and disposed of it with relief . Lately , I 've been taking Ray to elementary school . Because he is so infatuated with eating little kids , I decided that the only way to get him past his obsession is to expose him to bunches of kids everyday . So , first thing in the morning , we take a walk to the local elementary at opening time . I get Ray to sit and stay while a stream of small children , their parents , and strollers flow around us ( he 's really good at this part ) . The only problem is when one of the kids says , " Can I pet your dog ? " When I reply in the affirmative , the kid gives Ray a pet and moves on . The problem is in the " moving on . " The minute that the kid tries to leave , Ray lunges for their head to get in a quick lick or two or tries to grab their arm with his mouth . For some reason , he catches me off guard every single time he does it . I can 't understand how he can go from docilely standing for a pet to full lunge in the blink of an eye . Obviously we need to work on this some more . Ray is really getting the hang of sitting and staying ( except when there is another dog around ) . I think he will have this completely mastered by the end of the year ( she says confidently , not really knowing what she 's talking about ) . His flop is coming along fine , although a treat absolutely has to be involved for him to flop well . I use this command mostly when Ray is around really small kids and little dogs that are intimidated by him . He will lay ( flop ) and then roll on his side . If a little kid is involved then Ray will expose his belly for a belly rub , if it 's a dog , he will just lay on his side and I usually have to hold him down while the dog comes up to him . Ray will then try to lick the dog 's face to win them over . Works almost every time . The less we say about heeling the better . Ray is trying , I 'll give him that . Our walks go something like this . Heel - 3 steps . LUNGE . Heel - 3 steps . LUNGE . Heel - 5 steps . LUNGE . Heel . Stop dead . FULL REVERSE . Heel . I really feel that progress is being made but it is a slow and painful process . The jury is out about whether Posted by I was taking down the Halloween decorations . I had the front door open but hadn 't yet replaced the screen , only the pet screen protector separated Ray from me . He was being whiny and kept putting his front feet on top of the mesh protector to see if there was an escape route that he hadn 't fully explored yet . I was ignoring him ( except for telling him that he was a whiny baby and petting him every ten minutes or so . ) I was in the driveway packing things up when I heard Ray 's yell . He was in the house . Ray NEVER yells in the house ( except for the first time he met Hugo , the first time he met Moonie , and the 4th of July ) . I dropped what I was doing and ran for front door . Ray was in the living room . He was facing the sliding glass door . His necked was stretched out as far as it could go and his back legs were quaking in fear . I thought maybe it was Hugo . Ray was creeping forward a bit ( now that he had backup ) , his legs were still trembling and he was snuffling under the end table , behind my wooden knitting box . I dropped to my knees and looked under the couch and table to see if there was a cat . Nothing . When I stood up a small , brown bird flew up from somewhere and threw itself at the glass door . It was a wren . Ray yelled and retreated , his legs shaking , then crept forward again , his ears deployed in Dumbo the elephant mode to try to figure out what the heck was in his house . The wren landed behind the end table and hopped under the couch . I opened the sliding glass door and pulled Ray back a little . I got down on my hands and knees again and saw the tiny bird trying to make itself invisible under the couch . I told the bird that I had opened the door and it should probably leave before Ray started to feel brave . Then I stood back . ( I have found that birds tend to understand exactly what you tell them , most people just don 't take the time to explain things clearly to them . ) The wren hopped out from under the couch and took off through the door . Ray pulled himself together and followed cautiously . I closed the door Ray the Blind Dog Halloween is my favorite holiday . Gregg 's too . We love giving out candy to kids and we love costumes . I like to decorate and Gregg likes to help out and to appreciate the decorations . I love watching kids run their hands through the candy , letting it drop through their fingers like it 's gold and they 're pirates . Now I have something else that I like about Halloween . Y ' know those people out there that dress their dogs in stupid clothes ? I became one of them yesterday . I decorated my dog in a costume . I 've been giving a lot of thought to Ray and winter here . He has to be exercised because of his bum leg and I 've been wondering how he 's going to do in " weather . " He 's not really getting a winter coat and I saw him shivering when we had a cold spell a couple of weeks ago . So I decided Ray needed a raincoat . So I made him one . With a lining . While I was sewing it , I realized that the lining reminded me of a famous sleuth . Since the fasteners on the raincoat are velcro , the coat is essentially reversible . I put it on Ray and , like the chameleon he is , he immediately took on the characteristics of the sleuth . An hour or so later and I had a hat to match . TA DA ! Here he is - - - - - - - - - SHEERLUCK HOUNDAlthough he didn 't try to rub it off or anything , Ray wasn 't crazy about the hat so we just left it on for the photos . Then we walked across the street and up the block to do some trick or treating at Ray 's friends ' houses . He got biscuits . Maddie as Spiderwoman ( He seemed to like the coat just fine , which was a good thing . It was pouring rain this morning so he got to try out the raincoat side - worked like a charm ) . That evening , by the time trick or treating started , Ray was already in bed . The first time he heard a knock at the door , he jumped off the couch to see who it was . I clipped on his leash and Gregg distributed candy through the screenless door ( we remove the screen from the storm door - it 's a lot easier to give out candy that way ) . " Does anyone want to pet the blind dog , " I asked ? I held Ray 's front legs up so that hiPosted by It was night . I went upstairs to change into my sweats . There was a dead chipmunk on the scatter rug outside of my bathroom . I screamed and went to get Gregg to see if he would be kind enough to dispose of it . He was . The next afternoon I went into the backyard with Ray to check on the weather . He was sniffing delicately at something on the ground . It was a dead chipmunk with it 's entrails trailing . I went inside and got a bag and some paper towels to take care of the corpse . I called Gregg . . . . how many angora rabbits it would take to make a felted ball the size of a basketball . Ray loves the little felted cat toys that I bought at a fiber festival . He chews them like gum until I can catch him to take them away . They aren 't exactly " balls " anymore . More like lentils . My name is Ray the Blind Dog . I 'm a Redtick Coonhound that was born blind in July 2008 . I 'm named after my blind counterpart Ray Charles . I joined a family of 2 cats and 2 humans in June of 2009 . I want to show everyone how well I get along in this world and let my friends know how I 'm doing . Please feel free to add remarks or share your experiences in the comment box . We all want to know what you think . |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . The group came together in a forest during an attack on the city of Nightshade Keep . Gulbran , Paladin of Bane , and Ryld , a mysterious Drow who has his own agenda , ran into the battle first with 2 bears . They proved to be too tough for Gulbran , but the drow was making some progress . Chris entered the scene and attempted to fight to get them to back off . Soon , Lynnara joined up as well . Together , the bears were defeated , but one was killed while the other went back into the forest . The group found themselves meeting with a priestess of the Raven Queen named Kyrta . She was almost willing to talk with the Raven Queen for the group when a creepy little girl named Cheska showed up to demand the black fire of the Raven Queen and that the red plague would happen again if nothing is done . After the group defeated her minions and Cheska left , plans were made quickly to find Cheska . The group took a warforged as well as Gulbran 's companion Durom with them and set off to find Cheska . During their travel , they found Brinna and she was thankful to be reunited with her son , Chris . Brinna nearly persisted on not going with the group and taking Chris with her , but Chris was stricken with the Red Plague and made a promise to help the town . So Brinna reluctantly agreed to help . The group pressed on to find Cheska in her cave . In the middle of their battle , Cheska was almost defeated , but a sudden betrayal by Durom stopped her defeat . Thusly , she escaped . Brinna had an idea of how to cure the disease after seeing who was the one responsible for it , but it was to be dangerous . Chris had to cloak himself and was told to remain not seen . However , the red plague was getting worse and most members were not doing so well . Time was of the essence and they made haste . The group managed to come across a town Brinna was all too familiar with . The place seemed to be abundant with vampires . At the center was a mansion that held a powerful vampire master . The group infiltrated the town and the mansion , found the cure and battled their way out before the master appeared . They left the town quickly and each took a small bit of the cure potion . They returned to Nightshade Keep with the cure . Unfortunately , Nightshade Keep had a huge enough death toll before the cure could be brought back in time . Everyone still alive was saved , but it was still a price to pay . Everyone took some down time . Lynnara left to attend to some duties . Meanwhile , Gulbran returned with an army and coersed Kyrta that the army was needed . In doing so , the town would be protected by his empire , but the town must constantly be watched by a bunch of hobgoblins and must agree to their law . Many of the group members did not like this idea and were extremely unhappy with what Gulbran pulled , but there was nothing that could be done . Kyrta agreed . Kyrta sent the group off to find something deep in a forest . She told them that they 'd know what they were looking for when they 'd see it . So the group went off , taking Gulbran with them and traveled through the swamps . Note : These Adventure posts by zapoqx are done in the eyes of Chris . Read the character and it may explain many things . If grammer is wrong in anyway , 60 % of the time , blame Chris . 10 % of it , blame Brinna . The remaining , blame zapoqx . Some portions of the story may refer to NPCs that might be linked . If so , it may further explain certain elements of the story if it was outside the knowledge of Chris . We went through the swamps . Let me tell you , those swamps are a little sticky and hot . Being attacked by strange things and one with a stick that shot lightning and was short work . Although , that stick was cool , I tried to use it . It turns out that it fired something else . I decided not to keep it , but it seems Brinna does . I don 't know what mom wants to do with it though . Anywho , Riley ( Ryld ) obtained an orb . Brinna took it and managed to talk to some old lady on it . She apparently is a witch ! Though , mom and Gulbats ( Gulbran ) say that the witch would eat children . That is wrong ! Why would anyone want to eat a child ! So we kept on this path . On our way , we found a little girl who was strapped down on some block . I felt like she was one of those slaves they would kill . Gulbats goes off to save her first . I don 't understand him at all … not that I mind him saving the girl , just his reasoning with the city in … Nightshade Keep ? Yes . Anyways , to make his group take over the city by bribing them with an offer or take over the city by force ? Still makes me angry ! Back to the girl , as soon as Gulbats came over to her , some monster appears from the swamp ! It had many wavy legs and kept trying to attack us all with all these legs that picked up many swords ! We took it down and saved the girl , but those large bug things really sucked alot of blood out of me and Riley . I showed those bugs a thing or two . No one is allowed to take blood from me unless its Mom ! The little girl was named Roselily , like the flower ! She apparently was attacked by Orcs in her village and she had tried to escape , but was captured . She is with us now and is apparently a good cook ! I 'll tell you more about it later . Despite being small , she is actually 19 ! And here I thought she would be someone of my age . Oh well . We found the witch 's home . It … just didn 't seem like anyone could live in it . Built strange as if this thing could break apart with too much weight . Gulbats decided to go forward . I followed a little . He knocked and the door opened on its own . A voice was heard . It was old … and said a few strange things … creepy things . Something that apparently Elsa likes . Everyone else went inside except me and Roselily . I was not going in to some house that could possibly break apart or an old lady that said creepy stuff . After some time passed , I saw a person and a few creatures coming to the house . I was a bit scared and called for help . An old man , an ogre , a strange lizard man , and a human - like frog . Gulbats came out and saw these guys . He put himself in front of me as if ready to attack at any moment . They went inside and did nothing to me . Though , that big ogre seemed really dumb . Gulbats went inside and I remained outside . After a bit , I was a little bored . I decided to walts in and see what they were up to as well as take a peak at this witch . When I edged myself close to the corner of the room entrance , I saw the old witch . She was OLD and UGLY ! I was thinking I was better off remaining outside when I looked at the other room and saw a pixie trapped in a cage . I felt sad . No one should be held someplace they don 't want to be , like a slave . I sneaked over to try and open the cage . It was locked . As I 'm about to force that lock open , I jumped by the sound going on in the other room . I peered back just to see the ogre 's foot pointed up and the leg upward covered by parts of the house . Riley seemed to be straightening himself . I guess Riley took care of him . I return to the pixie cage and quickly open the lock … possibly by luck . The Pixie flies out of the cage . I turn around and realize the old man is looking at me . Before I could react and just as the guy seems ready to same something , the pixie seems to throw something at the guy . The guy doesn 't say anything about me . In fact , he seems to hate the witch and says it straight to her face . For a moment , I kinda like the guy . The witch didn 't appreciate it and turned him into a two - headed frog . I quickly check around and can 't find the pixie . As long as it is free … but why is there a person here that looks like Kyrta ? Maybe she has some sort of plan . I just didn 't think she would get here before us … but than again … why would she come at all if she sent us in the first place ? I exit the room and go back to the hall to keep watch of what is going on . It seems that the witch was going to try and give some people something . The human - like frog seemed to hop out of the room in a hurry and out of the house . Never noticed me . I turned back to the events . By this point , Riley and Gulbats take a taste of this brew . Something called the Nightmare brew . I somehow think its not a good idea to taste such a drink , but they did anyways . Oh , the lizard man also did too . All of a sudden , it seems they all were in pain and something seemed to be showing around them . Gulbats seems to be dragged into the water by some bear . I … am not surprised . The lizard man seems to be running away from a ghost of another lizard man ! Riley on the other hand was restrained on some object … trapped with things coming after him . Maybe I was wrong about Riley . Maybe he was once like me … Soon after , they all stopped . Gulbats was on the ground . The lizard man was also on the ground , but no where on his body seemed to show him breathing though . He was just … laying still . I guess he couldn 't handle seeing whatever he was afraid of . I guess those things really were their nightmares ! Riley managed to stay up through it all . Him and the Witch talked about stuff I didn 't really understand . Gulbats got up and was fully aware of his surroundings . He was caught up on what the witch and Riley were talking about . It seems that we need to get a princess . Why ? So that some " bargain " can be made . It seems Gulbats was thinking if a war was started by this group , his Empire needs slaves . I was angry about it , but held back . At least I now know what he is afraid of . After leaving the house , plans were made . We went off to the kingdom that this princess was located . On the way , it seems that the farms were in bad shape and any military person that saw Riley or Gulbats was immediately defensive and not welcomed . I find this wrong for Riley . Gulbats on the other hand , I don 't really care about . We found the kingdom , but the gates were closed and it was evening . Thinking that it may not be possible to get in with Gulbats and Riley . So me , Brinna , and Roselily were all heading in together since us 3 shouldn 't startle the guards . Inside , even at the current time , the city was busy and much more full . Apparently , the Inns were all full . Something was troubling these people . I asked around and it turns out that some orcs came and destroyed the farms and were … raiding … whatever that meant … everywhere . The King seems to be off gathering allies to help deal with the enemies . It is possible that the King may offer the princess as a reward for whatever Kingdom helps . However , the princess is a problem child … rebellious … something my mother once told me meaning usually never listens and goes their own way ignoring their parents and sometimes laws . I thought about it and decided to ask if there was other rebellious ones . It turns out that there was others . I think if she is rebellious , she is probably with them . So we will go after them ! So we walked in to the Falcon Flight Tavern . There were many creatures in there . I even got to see a half bull , half man ! They actually do exist ! ! ! A dwarf and a human approached Ryld and me . I think they had an issue with me , but I am not entirely sure . Just then , the Dwarf looked at Riley and said " Its a drow ! " I didn 't understand what the fuss was about . Everyone in the bar got up and started fighting . I ducked under everyone . I saw there was a person in the back that wasn 't fighting with the others . I casually went over and even passed a beer bottle to some guy that was knocked down and looking at me asking for help . I don 't see a reason not to give it . Upon getting across , I sit with the guy and talk with him . He seemed cool , but didn 't want to be involved . I ended up asking about the princess . At the time , he seemed to not know for sure . Riley shortly came over and started talking . The guy seems to have wondered why I was here or Riley for that matter . I asked him if he knew where a group of rebelious people would be . He said I shouldn 't get involved with such type of people , but I told him that I wanted to see the princess and heard she is rebelious . At this point , the guy said that it was about time to " end this " and if he can excuse himself for a sec . Then , with just one sentence , he reveals that he is the captain of the guards and everyone better stop fighting or else . Everyone stopped , stared , got scared , and ran ! Some even jumped out the windows ! I was shocked to see how quickly they obeyed and ran in fear ! He was awesome ! Once the guy left with matters he had to take care of , Riley yelled at me for some strange reason . It seems it had to do with me talking about the princess . We followed the guard and he took a horse . He left quickly and the gate was open . Riley ran over and grabbed a horse from the nearby stables and without hesitation , left . Mom was about to leave with a horse , but as she was setting up , I wanted to make sure no one would come after us for some kind of payment to deal with . So I left a few coins in the bucket of the stable boy who was asleep the entire time . He is fine at being there . Obviously , he is tired . While on horses , we traveled , but the guards were chasing us ! I think they were mostly after Riley for taking the horse . Or having weapons … not sure which . We kept moving , but the guards were slowly catching up on their horses . We saw a group of wagons . I suddenly recognized that they were vistani I had seen in some camp sights during my time with the group that went missing ! They recognized me real fast and was kind to help me and my friends and my mother out . They hid us . I overheard them talking with the guards . It seems they told them that they saw many people come through , but they couldn 't find the ones they were looking for . I am not quite sure , but I think they were … bribed . He told them we went another direction and the guards left . They took us out of one of the caravans and told us we were safe . I thanked them , but it seems according to Brinna and Riley , we were in a hurry . I told the guy that if they should find the strong man that I still wanted to know how to pick up a large rock with no effort . We moved through the forests and shortly came across an … old building . The captain of the guards actually came to the building and got a bridge to come down and let him in . It then closed up . Everyone decided to wait . I was bored so I decided to take a nap . I looked around and realized that we left the metal man behind . I kinda wondered what happened to him … It was becoming early morning when I was awoken by Brinna due to them getting ready to figure out how to get through . Metal man suddenly met up with us ! I guess he has some sort of attachment to finding us or something . When he sat down , he had some writing on his back . I stared and looked at it … and started to laugh ! Now … I can 't remember what it said anymore … but it was funny at the time . Metal man wasn 't happy with the idea despite me trying not to actually tell him that something is on him . We went around and found a weak point in the wall . Riley climbed the wall and tried to sneak in . We started to hear sounds of battle and I was thinking Riley was in trouble . Metal man went over to the wall and bashed it open . I was honestly surprised that he could do that without hurting himself ! He went in and started attacking . I watched at first and realized that the person in shiney armor next to a camp fire was a gir - … . woman . She started to talk about how we were sent by the witch to take her away . I realized that she was the princess . In my mind , I was surprised . Aren 't princesses supposed to wear fancy looking dresses and look pretty ? Anyways , the metal man was telling her that while that is true , it was because her father didn 't repay his debt , much less win the love of her mother . She refused to believe that . Since metal man … was correct … I figured I had to help . I stared at her and concentrated … remembering how mom tried to talk to people in ther mind and make them come over . For a moment , I think I was in her mind . I showed her the images and explained the truth . I couldn 't keep it up for long though and I was quickly getting tired . Does Brinna always have that problem ? Soon , it seemed obvious that if I didn 't go in to stop the people attacking metal man that he was going to die . Seeing as he says he won 't die and is stubborn about it , I figured I should help . I came in and saw Riley was in trouble as well ! So I rushed at the people using bows and made some quick work . Some were dodging me though . Before long , I took them down , but one decided to cut me with his sword . I made him pay . I will not kill another unless they harm me first . Following mom 's rules about fighting others like myself : Fight in self defense , find a way out . If you can 't , its better to kill if they intend to kill you . Otherwise , harm them , but don 't kill them . Everyone here tried to harm me , except for the Captain of the guard and the lady . I stopped one with the bow from firing at Riley , went out the door and got stopped . He hurt me with his sword so I stabbed him . He was stopped . I went out and tried to help , but it seems the princess decided to … surrender . The captain I think didn 't understand he would lose as he seems confident in winning the battle . The princess got him to stop trying to fight and would offer herself freely to us if we let him go . She was going to cut her own throat ! Metal man agreed though … I didn 't get why . I didn 't think he would do such a thing . The princess talked about wanting to visit some place . Some place that had a gauntlet that she could use which was legendary . If she got that item , she would have a chance to fight the witch . I was fine with it , not really knowing what was going on . Her name was … Yseult . But then I asked her why is it that she is a princess , but not in a dress ? She told me that if she had brothers , perhaps she would be in a dress . But because she doesn 't , she had to learn to be tough while doing her duty . I remembered overhearing some people before about how a kiss from a princess is supposed to give you luck . So … I tried to ask confidently and if I could have a kiss . I quickly tried to explain that I heard it was good luck and I wanted to get such luck . It is better than any old looking sword or some clover . She said that she could , but normally , she only does so to knights . She asked if I wanted to be her knight . I said " sure ! " Although , I don 't think I would fit in the armor those knights would wear . Now that I think about it … I hope I don 't have to wear it . They seem to be rather heavy . Even Metal man 's armor makes sounds just by normal walking . The princess smiled . She then called my name and gave me … a title ! I am … We left and followed her . She was holding my hand and walking onward to the place of this gauntlet . She sure was kind , talking to me , asking me questions , telling abit about herself . Soon enough , we found the entrance to this cave . She said that this was the place . We headed up and got ready . I stood by Yseult … ready to defend her as a knight should do . I just ask myself though … Am I ready ? Time to find Yseult 's gauntlet . Can it truly help her ? And what will she do about the truth of her father ? Will her new knight help ? As we walked into the cave , Riley went ahead . I think he did his normal thing of checking around for us in his silent tone . However , it was dark . He is the only one that can see while in the darkness besides my mom . I need a light just to see . Good thing my weapon creation can make light ! Suddenly , a burst of powdery stuff came into the area . It stopped just short of me and the princess ! Gully got caught in the powder and it seemed to make him gag . Some fighting was heard , but we couldn 't see far . The princess held her breath and rushed in . Seeing as I couldn 't disappoint her after being declared her Knight , I rushed in after while holding my breath . When I came out , I was slightly surprised to see a Kobold ! I hadn 't seen one of them in a while ! But seeing that they were intent on hurting me and the princess , I went after in , swinging wildly . I don 't know what it was … it just felt different … like I was actually thinking less on what to do and more just doing it . Maybe this is what Brinna was saying all those times during the training about not thinking now , but thinking 3 steps ahead . Maybe , what she meant was you need to think of the end and just go what comes natural to get there , but let my body think what needs to be done . Focusing on the battle at hand , one of the kobolds went into the darkness and threw some sticky stuff at me . I didn 't have time to stop anyone else and I felt bad for letting the princess nearly take an attack . She was just as good at battle as when she fought in the mini castle she was in ! I had to match up . So when I cut myself free of the sticky stuff , I rushed down the hall area . I spotted a kobold , with weapons at the ready , dashed forward , saw a rope with some sign that said something like " put futt herr " and jumped around it to land on the other side . Then … for a brief second , I felt like I had no ground to put my feet on . I looked down and realized there was nothing there ! I fell and barely landed between a punch of spikes with thorn things . Some of it scraped me . It kinda itches , but I have to remain focused . I yelled for help . Soon , a rope came down . I came up to find that Gully threw the rope down . He yelled at me saying " Don 't rush off like that ! You 're gonna get yourself killed ! " I told him that I had good luck on my side . Just when I was thinking that the kiss may have been unlucky from the princess , he tries to jump across and fails badly . I hear a loud crush sound with metal bits tinging around the little pit followed by a loud " OWW ! " I then say " SEE ! It is good luck ! I didn 't get hurt like you did ! " Riley tried to jump across with the noose , but it couldn 't hold him as it broke . The princess jumped across and made it , but got hurt by some hooks attached to the ceiling ! As I had to get over there quickly , I backed up and jumped across to see these hooks that she was mentioning . I sliced off all the hooks on her and destroyed the area around her that had the hooks . Riley came back up , but then we kept getting fired by arrows somewhere beyond this little river . Riley could see and was responding , but I don 't know what was going on . I helped Gully up as payback for getting me out of the pit , but we had another issue . Once he got out , we had more of those hooks to deal with . I went over and realized with a flick of a switch , I could make all the hooks fall ! So I did and there was nothing more to deal with … on this side . I came over and saw some rope on the floor and this river . The river had something in it . So I used the moment to balance on the rope and just dance across the water like nothing . Normally , according to Riley , it wouldn 't hold anyone 's weight other than a Kobold 's . When I came across , I defeated one kobold , destroyed a cover point to reveal more kobolds , and got another kobold killed before it could get away . A voice came in our heads it seemed that called itself a watcher . This watcher had a slight high pitch to it in the background of his talking . We talked a bit . It seems that it was some kind of test . We were … well I thouht at the time , looking for the end of a gauntlet . I didn 't understand that we were looking for the end of the test we were going through , also called a gauntlet . Seemed touching Gully 's gauntlet was not " reaching the end of the gauntlet . " We went on to another room that had a wall and something on the other side . Riley went up and over . Soon , we didn 't hear anything . We called out for him and nothing was said . When Gully and I came up , I was shocked . Riley was on the floor with rats trying to eat him and some weird monster that looked like he was eating some of Riley 's money ! I yelled for the princess to say her words that seemed to heal people and get Riley back up . In the mean time , I jumped down and fought the rats . I was making quick work . Also , every time , the princess said something to me and it made me move quicker , slashing away at the rats ! Soon , I started feeling … like I was partly myself and partly not . I was moving to the point that everything was also slower , storming through . At one point , I almost didn 't even notice the princess joined me on the ground or Riley leaving the ground area . Once we got the monsters taken care of ( after it seemed to make the princess ' armor and weapon look like it was old , hardly used , and had too much water on it for a while ) , Riley seemed to make the door opened and get us into a new room . The voice told us these were electric traps and that each step could either go off and hit us or nothing would happen . Gully hopped over a couple of them , but a few went off and shocked him . He made it across . Riley decided to go next and try to figure out the rest from the spots that Gully found . He got hit hard with a shock that it brought him down . The princess went forward and used her words to bring him up . Together , they figured out having me walk on some of these floor pieces which were it and which weren 't . Thankfully , no more electrical traps happened , but I trust Riley not to let me get hurt . I was getting bored with calling the number the voice kept telling me . When we were on the other side , there were these strange stairs . They had words on each step . They said , in order from the closest step to us to the later steps : I was wondering if it meant one of those was true . Riley ordered Gully to go up and test . He starts moving and when he got to the third step , he vanished quickly with nothing left of him ! We stared at the stairs awaiting for something to happen . Nothing more happened . I asked " What happened ? " Riley said he poofed . The princess decided to fall to her knees and cry somewhat saying he died . I started to realize I was mentioning every situation where Gully nearly dropped and with me there , I kept telling him if he wants to die , then just die , but stop trying to live and just live . He kept struggling with that , but now that I think about it … he has been getting slightly better with living . Meh … we 'll see him again , I 'm sure . He is too annoying and somewhat a bully to keep down . Anyways , Riley went forward . He started to skip every 3rd step . While he was doing that , I was watching and looking at the steps he skipped . Part of me realized something . The steps he skipped actually is a message , but I never mentioned it to anyone . I figured they may have realized it on their own which was why Riley skipped the third step . Either that or he guessed because of Gully disappearing after stepping on the step that said " every " on it . When you read just the words Riley skipped , it said : When we went up to the next area , it seemed there were weapons with words on a wooden block piece by the weapons themselves . The weapons were a 2 things , each with a small blade at the end and a stick attachment … which was somewhat like a spear1 , a gauntlet with spikes on them , and a sword2 . The words however was weird . They read : I kept staring at the sword with the words . Out of all of them , It seemed to be strange for me . There was a door in the room . The princess asked me " What are you looking at , Chris ? " I kept mentioning that the words are … different on the sword than the others . I then wondered was the door unlocked . The princess went over to the door and I tried to stop her , thinking that maybe the door might be a trap . The door made some sort of face appear and said " Not without a password , you 're not . What is the password ? " That is when I stared back at the sword 's words and I was thinking " Password … ? " That is when it dawned on me why it was stranger than the others . The other 2 had the look that it was saying " This is Pa 's Hand Weapons . This is Pa 's Gauntlet . " And each following statement sounded like it was the name of Pa 's item . But the third one sounded like it was actually saying something . While words read " Pa 's Sword , " it really was saying when said out loud quickly " PasSword . " So when I separated out the name , Islet 's first off sounded like another name which couldn 't have been . When separated , it was Is Let 's . I guess the time with mom re - correcting me and learn about how words are … grammatically … the idea of the word " Let 's " being possessive just didn 't seem right . So looking at the word Laughter , I had to assume that the S in Let 's was actually belonging to the Laughter . Nice little game . And so , I called out : The door seemed to open . I was asked how I figured it out , but I simply told them that it was in the words and I showed them with my mind what it reads when you take away much of the parts that were pointless and separated out what needed to be done . They saw it and realized that it was a bit dumb not to see it then . When we went to the next room , there was a mirror and a word above the mirror . There was some very clean skeletons near these mirrors . The word above the mirror was spelled strange . I never saw it before . Mom didn 't even know what it was . It read : I stared at it for a while . Riley was looking over the skeletons at first . Then he was looking at the mirror . It seemed the mirror looked like it was a reflection of the room we were in , except we weren 't in the mirror and the mirror showed a pile of shiny coins and other treasures . I went back and I started to sound it out . I got to Try an is port I us … then I realized , all of the I 's were common in the pronounciation . I decided to take out the I 's and realized it said " Transport Us . " Just as I said it out loud , questioning why it would possibly be that word and hidden under those I 's , Riley poked the mirror with his crossbow bolt . He went through the mirror and was over there . Just as I asked what was happening , the shiny treasures decided to form up on its own to the shape of a dragon ! I came close to the mirror . The dragon came over and blasted all it could out on Riley . When the blast was finished , Riley was on the floor , injured badly . I had to get him out , so I reached into the mirror and managed to appear in the room . I then grabbed Riley and tried to grab him back out of the room . I manged to get back into the other room just before another blast happened . I yelled at the watcher that spoke to us earlier and asked if we could take a break . He said we could come and go as we please . So as we wait , we now wonder what will happen as we rest , treating the injuries we gained and possibly waiting for Gully to return . I 've been thinking though … is Gully really dead ? Its been a while . We awoke , ready to face the dangers . This time , that coin dragon thing will be beaten . I just wish I knew what it is we were looking for specifically . I still haven 't figured out why a single gauntlet will solve the problem of the witch . But oh well . We approached the mirror and I was about to go in when I almost forgot to say the password . " Transport Us ! " I called and the mirror let us in . The coins in the room created the dragon - like form . I had to focus , but a part of me wondered if a dragon would look anything like this . We went as hard and quick as possible to attack it . Coins hurt when its spinning around ! It didn 't take long , but we defeated it . Then a crown was found and a sword . It seemed easier than I thought it would be . I handed the crown to the princess and she put it on . For some reason , she was deemed unworthy . Unworthy for what , I don 't know . Just then , the dragon coined thing reformed ! It came and attacked the princess ! I tried to defend her and then … . It seemed dark . At some point I saw light once again . Maybe I was sleeping ? My head hurt . I saw the dragon still nearby and had to stop it . I grabbed the crown and put it on . A part of me hoped that maybe something needed to be said to stop the dragon from trying to attack her . I yelled at the dragon " I will not let you harm her ! " The crown said that I was worthy and gave me its power ! We assulted the dragon until it went dark again . I awoke with Brinna carrying me and Roselily helping treat my wounds . Yseult was back up and well . I was put on the ground for a bit to get healed . For some reason , the bruises didn 't hurt as much . When everyone was ready to go , we headed out . Still , Gully was not found . Maybe he is just a long distance away . All of a sudden , a small dragon lands on me and begins to speak with me . It seems he is the voice of the place and that is when I learn we were never looking for a gauntlet , but it was called a gauntlet . As in , a series of trials . Who knew that a gauntlet could also mean that ? He also said that Gully wasn 't killed , but he shouldn 't be too far . As we approach the water section of the dungeon , we find Gully being taken into the water . At first , I didn 't think it was Gully cause he had no armor . But when I pictured him with the armor , it made much sense . We tried to see if he could come out and not play with … whatever that giant thing was he was with . I looked into the water and realized that it was what was in the water that lurked around . And come to think of it , Gully came up for air , but immediately was brought back down . I think he was drowning . I actually couldn 't believe he was being beaten by water more than the monster . I went across the water and Riley prepared a rope . I stared at the creature and the crown just told me it was evil . It also told me how to use its power . So with an attempt , I forced the creature to stop playing with Gully . The thing wasn 't happy when it got out of it , but we left soon enough . With the princess nearby , Gully and her were talking over the witch situation . She was actually fine with the idea of giving up to the witch . I told her that she can 't and there should be a way out . I said to Gully that there is something he has to do . He told me there is nothing he can do , but there was something I can since it is now my job as her knight . I thought about that . Perhaps he is right … I need to protect her . So I was thinking the entire time on the way back what to do . I could just hit the witch with my created swords until she stopped fighting back . I suppose that makes me more offensive and kinda defies what Brinna taught me , but it needs to be done . I then realized that if I did so , Riley wouldn 't get his wish . Whatever that may be . So my idea was to wait , but still free the princess . In the process , maybe I could help that Kyrta - like girl in the witch 's house . When we arrived at the witch 's place , I hid behind Gully . The princess turned herself over to the ugly looking witch on her own ! It was making me angry at the idea . Riley demanded to have his reward … which was to get the Kyrta - like girl the entire time ! Well that was one person down . Once it was settled , we were about to leave . The witch was asking if we would want to join her in the ceremony , but it was refused . Once everyone was ready … I turned around and attacked her in the middle of her talking to herself ! 1 It caught her off - guard and the attack commenced . I kept up the assault as much as possible . She then managed to move me outside and moved herself at the same time rather quickly … like a teleport ! I then realized everyone was … near , yet not clear . And everyone seemed to not see me , but knew I was nearby . Some had a look of lostness about them . Though , it felt familiar here for some reason . During the battle , it seemed I kept coming out of this place and people could see me again , but then I wouldn 't see some others . It turned out that the witch was trying to control our minds with dreams . But knowing what she is doing and how to stop it was difficult . I managed to help back her into a corner . I hit her , but not hard enough . Gully did the same . The princess was rooting for me and I was trying not to fail her . But I was getting tired … more mentally than my regular body . I think it was exhausting me with making these weapons and using them while being in and out of a dream world . I had to end it quick . In my desperate attempt , I remembered seeing a weapon once when traveling with mom where it was on a long stick like a staff , but at the end , it had a blade attached . It seemed to give better reach , but I was never really interested in it . I figured I 'd try my best to re - create it as it wasn 't large like that giant sword was , but was indeed thinner overall . 2 I concentrated as I used the energy that was still in front of me … the energy that was in my spiked shield and my curved blade . I put them together and formed the weapon pictured in my mind . I quickly tried to attack the witch , but my attack missed . It was more difficult than I thought to just use it without really learning how to . I tried once more , but the witch just stepped over . The ground underneath her suddenly glowed and she laughed as she disappeared . She left . It was my fault and I felt sad . Maybe I should have learned how to use the weapon properly and maybe even learn what it is called . Gully agreed , but for now , I did well . I didn 't understand how I did well when the witch got away . Because that I confronted the witch , the princess was free to go . The witch left with injuries as well so it will take some time for her to do anything to the princess . Maybe I did the job at least . We left together with the princess and the Kyrta - like person named Kyra all happy . A good ways out , we got to the split part . The princess had to return to Cedarvale . I think I am supposed to go too being a knight , but I stared at Riley . He was obviously hurt and I couldn 't just leave him until he is at least great on his own . I told the Princess I couldn 't leave them behind and they need me anyways . She seemed to understand . With another kiss on my cheek , she waved at us and we all left . Gully told me I should take the princess as my " mate " and that I " could be a king . " Gully just smiled , staring at Brinna . " Ask your mother , " he said . I looked up at Brinna and she actually seemed intent on not answering , but stared at Gully almost like she would hit him … or maybe she thinking of taking some of his blood . I don 't know . I just wasn 't sure if I should ask at that moment . We arrived back in Nightshade Keep and brought Kyra in to Kyrta . I never seen Kyrta soo happy before ! She gathered the healers in the area to help treat some of our wounds . For now , we were told to rest until we were called upon again . What will happen next ! ? Chris had learned a little bit of healing arts from Kyrta . He was willing to learn . In the middle of all of that though , Brinna was continuing his martial training , forcing him to learn his weapons capabilities instead of just making them on the fly and hoping it works . A mysterious creature came into town and found Chris . For some reason , this creature took an interest in Chris , but for what means , only time will tell . Shortly after the meeting , Chris and Brinna left with this stranger . On return , Chris was looking unhappy with his eyes giving the look of someone whose seen more than a boy his age should . Brinna would be nearby of course to keep him well , but was quick to act on his defense when anyone said anything , but Chris would rather not talk about it . While the group was in a tavern , drinking and eating , Kyrta came to discuss something with the group . During the discussion , it was revealed that Ryld was doing a good job doing all he was asked in the name of the Raven Queen and better than any apprentice seen prior . After her discussion , it seems Ryld wanted to speak with her in private . While Ryld and Kyrta discussed outside of the tavern , Chris finally broke his silence to discuss with Gulbran about where Gulbran 's powers come from and how he knows how to properly use them and whether he considers it a gift or a curse . Gulbran seemed to encourage Chris by reminding him that it was up to him to discover that himself , but in general , it is what he decides to do with it . Chris nodded , finally breaking a smile for the first time since his return . However , that would soon be cut short as yelling would be heard from outside as Ryld and Kyrta 's " discussion " seemed to quickly get heated . When the others checked outside to see what was going on , Ryld falls to the ground , looking rather wounded and Kyrta panicking . The group tried quickly to help Ryld , but it seemed Ryld was quickly fading . Even Gulbran 's powers weren 't working . When Kyrta 's apprentice group arrived , they were hesitent on helping Ryld . Under Kyrta 's command with some help from Gulbran , they assisted . It seemed , that he was ill in a different manner . Something only Kyrta could possibly understand . She decided to do a technique , knowing how dangerous it would be and despite one of the apprentices objection to it , she went through with it . Kyrta slowly drifted off to silence … seemingly dead for a while . After some time , Kyrta and Ryld awoke , Kyrta being angry at Ryld . It seemed that Ryld had 2nd being within , slowly feeding off of him and trying to make its way out to be born through Ryld and possibly become the world 's destruction ! Ryld never revealed this fact before which is the cause of Kyrta 's disdain for him . Thus , she told him of his final night to stay , but afterwards , he must be banished from the city . She left angry and in tears , but Chris follows her . While Chris is with Kyrta , she breaks down in front of him , hugging him and pleading for his help to help Ryld . Chris accepted , telling her that they can do it no problems , while Gulbran is stepping into the scene . He begins to hear what they must do . In the mean time , Chris runs after Ryld . He ends up trying to surprise Ryld by jumping at him , though rather noisily . Ryld would have dodged , but for some random moment , Chris ' powers decided to bloom briefly as he disappears and reappears on Ryld 's back . After a rather amusing looking reaction on Ryld 's end , Chris explains , in his child - like behaviour , the plan on how to help Ryld . Ryld wasn 't intent at first to listening , but after the child spoke and told him that Chris is the key to Ryld 's hope , Ryld took an ear and reluctantly accepted . The next day , the group was ready to head off . Chris was eager to head out . Kyrta was waiting for them to arrive to open the portal to the shadowfell where the group would need to talk with the Avatar of the Raven Queen in the City of Lanterns . The group all nodded and they headed through . Unfortunately , no one realized that they left Roselily behind . While the group arrived safely , the shadowfell being dark as it is and very wholesome to the shadowy creatures , they headed off to find where they think the City of Lanterns should be according to the map . Although , the map should guide them , the travels in the shadowfell are much different from that of the real world . Off in the distance of where they started , they saw some figures with a light , but didn 't bother with them . When they arrived at what should be the location of the city , there was nothing . They were rather confused . Suddenly , Chris spoke . It seemed his crown detected some evil creatures , but nothing was visually seen . The group readied themselves , staring and looking around to make sure they weren 't about to be ambushed . Suddenly , the attack ! The creature decided to accept the agreement to take the group to the city of lanterns and was " kind " enough to explain that the shadowfell works differently and using a map is practically no good if you aren 't native to the shadowfell . When they arrive at the city , they find it bustling with people as it seems a celebration is happening . Someone welcomes them , explaining whats going on . They find there is hardly any issue and the avatar has since left the city as a new person took it over . The city has since been happy . However , the group worries as the lanterns seem to emanate a fragrance that is almost unnaturally good . At this though , they treat cautiously trying to find out what happened to the avatar . Will the group find out what happened to the avatar ? Will they learn what is going on in the city itself ? Will Ryld live through to see the Avatar before its too late ? Find out next time on Empire of Bane ! After a difficult battle fought in blinding fog against a number of creatures possessing blindsight , the group has succeeded in rescuing the Kenku . However , Gulbran has been beaten nearly unconscious and it seems unlikely the group can struggle on any further without a place to recuperate . As the group is recent escapes from prison , that just might prove to be difficult . The group was trying to catch their breath after dealing with the threats of the guards when they broke out of prison . Rook in tow , panicking in general , was squaking about . After some frustrations being let out from the group , Rook was to answer for what he knows about the avatar . Unfortunately , his panicking was worsened by Ryld 's over intimidating stature in the situation . Suddenly , the group was spotted and the prison guards gave chase . Unfortunately , the group could not outrun the guards nor get out of the way and found themselves surrounded . After a brief fight , the group had to carry Gulbran out as Gulbran was practically incapacitated . Ryld had an idea and jumped at the chance to take Rook and go in the sewers to hide . While a decent idea than any other method currently available , it wasn 't the greatest . They hid in the sewers for a time . The group discussed options , but found themselves to just stick with resting in the sewers . Chris fixed up Rook 's wounds . Then Rook had to give his knowledge . To the surprise of the group though , he had no knowledge of where the avatar was ! It seems it was just a lie to earn him great respect . With the group moral 's almost lost , Chris told Rook that he needed to find a way to repent for it or Ryld would find a way to make it interesting to have Rook in the first place . Rook was quick to inform that he had an amulet that would find a way to the avatar . When he took it out , it seemed to be just an ordinary amulet . As soon as Chris took it , the amulet glowed with the information on how to unlock its abilities . Chris read out loud … After , the group contemplated and tried to make a plan to find out how to get what is needed for the amulet . And thus , the group set off … only to be stopped quickly by a gelatinous monster in the sewer . After making quick work with some minor cleaning , the group came up topside and went to work quickly on finding the gems . After everyone gathered information and Rook paying his debt to Ryld while Ryld got his money back from the person that mugged him earlier , they came back together and told of their findings . So first , the group went after the black gem . When they arrived at the store , unfortunately , they arrived just a tad too late as a necromancer bought all the gems the guy had in stock . After some tough negotiations , Ryld set off to find for the necromancer a fresh and valuable corpse . All Ryld did was track down and find the guy that mugged him … just to kill him in cold blood . He returned to the store , informing the necromancer of where to find his corpse and obtained the first gem . However , so much time was wasted , it questioned if the group would find the 2nd and 3rd gems ! For the second gem , the group arrived to a different store just to find that the specific type of gem they were looking for , a red one , was all sold out to a woman . When the group pleaded with the clerk about them needing it , she said that the woman wouldn 't be all that hard to find . Outside , a celebration was commencing . It seemed the person was making her appearance while showing off the gems adorned all over her outfit . Chris decided that he could possibly get the white gem and together with Brinna , left to find that white gem . While the others were contemplating on how to get a red gem from the dragon lady , Gulbran had a brilliant idea to use his new weapon 's gem that he obtained in the gauntlet as a replacement while hoping it the amulet wouldn 't make him lose his gem . And so , the group put the gems in just to find nothing happened . After playing with the amulet , they couldn 't get the amulet to do its magic . So they figured they needed to get what the writing said earlier , someone has to take their last breath as they die . After a … rather morbid idea from Chris of all people , the group set for a hospital under the suggestion of Lumon . When they arrived , there were many sick people . Some trying to be taken care of , others that apparently were of lower value were hardly taken care of even with priests there . They went off to find one when Chris found one first . A boy around his age who was dying . Chris was quickly saddened as he saw a bit of himself in that boy . And so Chris did what the boy was asking for . The help to pass him on to the Raven Queen . He only chanted a few words he learned from Brinna 's teachings . The boy smiled and Chris held the amulet above him . His last breath hit the amulet and then the amulet 's magic began to happen ! It seemed to show the way . Afterwards , with a tear in his eye , he spoke to himself uttering the words that the boy was safe in the Raven Queen 's hands . He turned to find people were not so caring on the idea of what he did , much less speaking the Raven Queen 's name . A battle commenced . Chris passed the guards and went after the one that told him it was forbidden to do what he did . The mage tried to subdue the boy , but was quickly pushed back and parished a horrible fate as the top of his exploded by Chris ' assault . Chris growled as he turned to help the others as they made quick work on the remaining guards of the hospital . The group arrived at the temple where the Avatar awaited them . The avatar talked with Ryld about his issue . It seems that Ryld has to deal with it himself despite his thoughts for the Raven Queen needing to step in . This disappointed him greatly . But … The group was found by some of the people from the City of Lanterns that was planning to destroy the avatar . The group fought their hardest , but alas , the group didn 't do so hot . Chris went down first and not too long after , so did most of the others . By the end of it , it was up to Lumon and Gulbran to stop the last creature from attacking the Avatar , but not even their might could stop it as it succeeding making its swipe and killing the Avatar . But the Raven Queen 's connection only let her spirit come out and say that he may have won the battle , but that it was far from over as they could never defeat her . As offer for the group , she used her power to open a portal for the living . Chris was still unconsious , so Brinna grabbed him . She tried to go through the portal , but alas , being as she is cursed as a vampire , she could not as the portal was meant for only the living to be in the world of the living . She gave Chris to Lumon and told him to give Chris a message . To tell him she loved him . Lumon agreed and carried Chris through the portal , while looking back only to see a piece of the temple 's rock crash in front of the portal . The group found themselves a little ways inside the territory that heads closer towards the city of the vampires . After Chris was healed up and told what had happened to Brinna , he was saddened , but managed to find a small resolve to continue on . They managed to get themselves heading over to Nightshade Keep . Upon arriving back , there was some joy for Chris at least that Roselily was waiting for them . She also told them a man came by to talk with the group . It turns out that man was a courier from Cedarvale on mission for Yseult . It seems the princess had to inform everyone that a witch and some body guard was raising the dead and causing havoc near the kingdoms . It was Cheska and the traitor to Gulbran 's organization , Durom . The group told the courier that they accepted and would be on their way . Brinna grabbed Chris while he was unconscious . Her attempt to bring both of them to the portal failed as she was not living anymore . So she handed Chris to Lumon and told him to tell Chris that she " loved him . " |
Info : Jushiro only needs thirteen reasons to protect the woman of his dreams . But it is forbidden for a Soul Reaper and a human to be together . How will Rika and Jushiro find a way to be together ? Plus some unknown force is after Rika for her powers over crystal beasts . Read on as Jushiro risks everything for the one he loves , including breaking the law just to be with her . It was a quiet , peaceful morning at Karakura High School , expect for one classroom that was in process of having a math test . One particular student who had dark tanned skin , sat at the very back of the room . She was 16 years old and had transferred from Egypt a few years ago after her parents had been mysteriously killed . At that same time a couple had travelled to the country on vacation and felt bad the young girl lost her parents and they had decided to adopt her , taking her back to Japan with them . She had blue eyes and lavender colored real thick hair . Her hair was pulled up into two high buns on either side of her head . Two long strands of hair rested in front of her ears , twisted up into curls . The girl 's name was Rika Macross . Like the rest of the students in her class , she wore the same school uniform . However there was one question that no one seemed to have an answer for and Rika was not one to speak about it . She was in the tenth grade , but was the oldest student in the class . She should have been in Grade 11 . What she didn 't want others to know was math was her worst subject since arriving in Japan . Math was very different in Japan compared to Egypt . She had failed math so badly , she was held back a year . She even took summer classes and still wasn 't enough to pass her . One look at her and a frown formed on his face . " This is the third time you 've failed a math test this year ! Shape up or you 'll be held back another year ! " He yelled at her , shaking a ruler in her face before handing her , her test paper . " A zero again ! Oh no ! Mom 's going to kill me ! " She panicked , very depressed , turning away and headed out of the school for the evening . When she got home she tried to hide her test from her mother . Luckily for her , her father was at work and sometimes worked pretty late . As she tried to sneak away to her room , her mother came up behind her suddenly , stopping her . " I heard you had a math test today . How 'd you do ? Show me sweetie , " her mother ordered her , smiling at her daughter . " Fine , here , " Rika sighed , her head down , in defeat . She dug through her backpack pulling out her math test . Keeping her head down , she handed it to her mother , knowing full well what her mother 's reaction was going to be . " From what I see you didn 't ! Now get out of here and don 't come back ! " Her mother yelled , slapping her adopted daughter across the face before pushing her out the door . Before Rika could blink , she heard the door lock , locking her out . Rika was quick to turn towards the door , banging her fists on the wooden surface . " Mom ! Please ! Let me in ! I promise I 'll do better next time . Please , I 'm starving ! " " You can starve to death for all I care ! I 'm not letting you back in until you 've spent hours at the library studying for the make - up test ! " Her mother cried out . " Fine ! Be that way ! " Rika cried out , tears in her eyes . She turned and ran off , crying . Her mother was always very strict on her about her grades . Whenever she came home with bad grades her mother would lock her out of the house and not let her back in until she spent backbreaking hours at the library studying . Rika wondered if her mother actually loved her at all . " I 'll show you ! I 'll run away from home . Then maybe you 'll start being a bit nicer to me ! " She said out loud to herself . With that in mind she headed to the subway planning on sneaking on board and running away . In the Seireitei in the squad 1 barracks , standing before the Captains of 13 Squads , they all waited for Head Captain Yamamoto to speak . To each one , they were a bit puzzled in why the head captain would suggest such a meeting . There wasn 't really much going on lately . " I called this meeting for a reason , " Yamamoto began . " There has been recent activity in the Land of the Living . I am sending a Captain there to take up the mission . But to be reasonable , I am allowing the offer for one of you Captains to step forward . If not , I will appoint one . " The 13 Captains looked at one another . One thing was for sure , as Captain Kuchiki looked around at his fellow Captains , he was not going to volunteer . To him going to the human world was beneath him . He really didn 't like being there at all and only went when ordered . Some of the other Captains had gone to Earth before when they had ' time off ' . " I am fully aware of that Captain Ukitake . I have spoken to Central 46 about this and they 've agreed , " the Head Captain explained . After what had happened with Aizen , the Seireitei had to get new counsel members for Central 46 . Now it was unknown exactly where Aizen was hiding right now , though they suspected they were in Hueco Mundo , but it wasn 't fully known . When he left he had taken Gin Ichimaru and Kaname Tousen with him . " Okay , I 'll leave right away , " Jushiro smiled . After the meeting was over Jushiro left heading to the world of the living . He always was fascinated by the world of the living . There had been so many interesting things Jushiro couldn 't help but enjoy when he made his rare visits there . Just as he exited the Senkaimon , he heard yelling and sobbing . Immediately concerned , he ran towards the cries only to find himself going down a flight of stairs heading toward a subway terminal . Fear gripped his heart , fearing a hollow was down there . At the bottom huddled in a corner was Rika , cornered by a huge black creature . She didn 't even know what it was . She had seen ghosts before , well more like her entire life . But this creature was not like any ghost she ever saw before . No , it looked like some type of scary monster . Something she 'd normally only see in her nightmares . She began wailing very loudly like a big cry - baby , " Please ! Go away and leave me alone ! What do you want ? Please , don 't kill me ! " She sobbed . She 'd always been kind of a cry - baby . In grade school she had been picked on , called , ' Weeping Willow , ' as she cried all the time . Sometimes for no reason , just cause she felt like it . And after being picked on she 'd go home and pig out on junk food until she 'd get sick and fall asleep . In school she was even pushed into lockers and had her lunch money stolen . But when she entered high school this gang of bullies cornered her one - day and there were these two guys who came to her aide , Ichigo Kurosaki and Sado Yasutora also known as Chad . They defended her , and later on she became friends with the two of them . Since then , people left her alone , fearful of Ichigo and Chad beating them up . As she got back to reality she heard a slicing sound followed by a sickly roar . She saw a man with long white hair dressed in a black kimono with a white haori over top . The man before her took down the monster . Once down , he re - sheathed he sword then walked over to the frighten girl , noticing she could see him since she was able to see the hollow . He stuck his hand out to the trembling figure before him . " Are you okay ? " He asked , with a gentle smile gracing his lips . Jushiro 's smile faded to a look of concern . He rubbed her shoulder in a smoothing gesture and she jerked in shock somewhat . " Hey , it 's okay . My name is Jushiro Ukitake . And that monster you just saw , it was called a hollow . Don 't worry , though , it will never bother you again . You 're safe . " " Don 't worry , I 'll protect you , " Jushiro assured her with another smile . ' This is Rika ? The woman I was sent to find ? She 's got to be no more than 16 years old ? I was expecting someone a bit older . But I guess this must be her . The name matches . ' " Sorry it 's just that , I 'm with a high government and was hired to protect you . There are some bad people who are after you . If you come with me I can guarantee you protection . " Rika thought about this . Should she really just go off somewhere with a stranger ? Someone she didn 't even know ? Then again he could be right . She had been attacked by these monsters before and barely got away with her life . Should she tell her mother she was going ? ' No ! I 'm not telling her a thing . Like she 'd care anyway . All she cares about is my grades . That 's right ! No more school if I go with this man . ' She nodded to Jushiro , making up her mind . " Yes , I will go with you . But first you have some explaining to do . What are hollows ? And where are we going ? " He took a deep breath . This was going to tough to explain . " Okay why don 't we discuss this over some tea ? You look like you really need to calm down , " he told her , still with a smile on his face . Jushiro lightly laughed . " Of course . " He held out his hand for her to take , pulling her to her feet . First they went to Kisuke Urahara 's shop . " Wait here okay . " She nodded as Jushiro went into the shop . A few minutes later he returned , dressed in a sophisticated suit and tie . His Zanpakuto no longer was attached to his side . Then again , it would look weird seeing a man walk around town with a sword strapped to his side while wearing a suit . Unknown to Rika , Jushiro had just changed into what was known as a gigai , created by Kisuke . It was the only way for the humans to actually see the Soul Reapers properly , if they couldn 't see them to begin with . Jushiro linked his arm with hers , leading her to a nice restaurant . Once there , they found a table and ordered their drinks . " Okay , what is going on ? Who 's after me ? " Rika finally asked him , taking a sip of her hot chocolate after the drinks had arrived . The hot drink started warming her insides right away , relaxing her . As the hot liquid slid down her throat , her body began to stop trembling from what she just witnessed . Jushiro took a deep breath . " Okay , what you witnessed was called a hollow . They were once spirits of people who died and were attacked by other hollows before they could pass over to the what is known as the Soul Society , " he told her , seeing her confused look at the mention of where he was actually from . " Okay , the Soul Society is what you humans refer to as heaven . " He shook his head . " No , I am a Soul Reaper . We are spirits that protect the world of the living from hollows and help spirits to pass on to the afterlife . And a hollow is a spirit that was turned impure . It is our job to kill these hollows , returning the spirits back to their former form , allowing them to pass over . However there are times when a spirit did not have a good soul before turning into a hollow , therefore they are sent to hell . " He sighed , seeing this was getting difficult . " In a nutshell hollows are evil creatures who kill humans and sometimes will … " he paused and thought for a moment . Humans often referred spirits as ghosts . " Take a ghost , as you call them , and turn them into hollows as well . These hollows can be formed from good ghosts and bad ghosts . " He paused again . " A hollow can be recognized by the hole in their chests and the mask on their faces . " " Woah ! Jushiro , this is a lot to take in at once . " Rika felt like her head was spinning from all this information he was telling her . Hollows . Ghosts . Soul Reapers . It was a lot to comprehend . " I am sorry . I don 't mean to put pressure on you , " he told her . Suddenly a notion came to mind . " Since you were able to see me in my true form as well as the Hollow I was wondering something . " Rika nodded , " Yes , I lived in Egypt until my parents died about two years ago by a monster . And from what you just told me , I 'm guessing it was a hollow that killed them . The monster did have a hole in its chest and wore a creepy looking mask . Afterwards , I was adopted by a Japanese couple and moved here to Karakura Town . " She paused a moment . " Now , I have a question for you . Who is after me ? " " We don 't really know that yet . But we suspect it may be a man called Sosuke Aizen . He was one of us , a Soul Reaper . But he betrayed us and made his escape to the land where Hollows dwell . He has control over them along with what is known as Arrancars and Espadas . " " What are Arrancars and Espadas ? Some type of hollow ? " The girl wondered , feeling more confused that she was five minutes ago . Her heart began to leap up into her throat , feeling somewhat light headed . Jushiro nodded . " Yes . But they are stronger . Arrancars and Espadas have human like qualities with partial masks on their heads and they can use swords called Zanpakuto . " " I can 't take this anymore ! " Rika held her head , feeling darkness envelop her body . She felt her body fall over onto the floor , the stress getting to her , passing out . " Rika ! " Jushiro 's eyes went wide with worry , jumping so fast from the table , his tea shook a few split seconds before toppling over , spilling the contents . The glass fell to the floor , shattering . His immediate concern wasn 't on the breakable dish but to her as he went to her side , lifting her up into his arms . " Please be okay , " he rubbed his hand gently along her face as he decided now was a good time to leave . Other people in the restaurant were staring in his direction , probably due from her sudden drop to the floor and his sudden movement , causing the dish to break . Ignoring them , he put some money on the table for their drinks before lifting her into his arms , carrying the young woman out of the place . He felt there was only place he could go and that was to Kisuke 's . Keeping her firm in his arms , he carried her to the former Captain 's home . The thought did cross his mind to leave for the Soul Society , but didn 't want to send her in a more state of shock than she already was . Even though he had to do his job he wasn 't about to take her without informing her first . He went and knocked on Kisuke 's shop door as it was kind of late and he had already closed up his shop for the night . The man came and answered the door . " Captain Ukitake what are you doing here so late ? Who 's the young woman ? " " I 'll explain in a minute . Can I come in ? " Jushiro asked . Kisuke stepped out of the way , allowing Jushiro to come inside . They went into the living room , taking a seat on the floor , on some cushions . Kisuke went and got some blankets for Jushiro to lay Rika on the blankets until she woke . " I am on a mission , to protect this girl , Rika Macross . We believe Aizen is targeting her . She has very high spiritual pressure and even Arrancars have been after her , " Jushiro explained . " This is my friend , Kisuke Urahara . He owns a shop , selling candies and other unusual items , " Jushiro explained . He put his arms around her , helping her to sit up . " You sure you 're okay ? " " It 's okay , it wasn 't your fault . What I told you was a bit shocking to take in after all . But don 't worry I 'm here to protect you , " he told her . " For your protection , yes . However it 's your choice . I won 't force you if you don 't want to . " Jushiro watched her , waiting for her to make up her mind . " Rika wait ! " Jushiro cried out , immediately following her . He was just about to reach the door when he heard her scream . He moved faster only to find her in the clutches of an Arrancar . The Arrancar had long dark hair going down to his knees and his eyes were orange , wearing while robes from Heuco Mundo . At once , he pulled something from out of his pocket and swallowed it . Suddenly two Jushiros appeared . One was still in a suit and the other one was in the black colored hakama pants and kimono top with a white haori over top . The one in the suit stepped back getting out of the way while the other pulled out a sword , known as a Zanpakuto , getting ready to attack the Arrancar . He released his Zanpakuto right away turning it into two blades . " Ha ! A Soul Reaper . My master wants her , you shell not interfere . " The Arrancar tried to get away with the girl in his arms , taking to the air . Jushiro 's eyes narrowed in anger . He was quick to flash step , blocking the Arrancar 's way . " How dare you do something like that ! ? " It always took a lot to make Jushiro mad as there were few things that pissed him off and this was one of them . He pushed one blade into the hand already holding the twin and pointed before calling out a name , trapping the Arrancar in a form of seal . Six yellow beams were wrapped around him . Jushiro then jumped up and attack the Arrancar with his double swords , cutting it . From the two slashes , it died and Rika fell towards the ground . Jushiro sealed his Shikai , sheathing it quickly before again using flash step , catching the woman into his arms . If his best friend was there , he would have probably made a witty remark of something like ' You really like the women falling for you , don 't you ? ' . Jushiro nodded and landed on the ground below before letting her stand on her own feet once again . He took her hand then . " Now I 'm about to open the gates to the Soul Society . Whatever you do , don 't let go of my hand on the way through . The doorway into the Soul Society doesn 't let humans through , but if you 're holding onto me you can get in . " Pulling out his Zanpakuto , he then opened the Senkaimon to the Soul Society , keeping a tight grip on her hand , leading her into the doorway . As the two of them walked through the Senkaimon , Rika 's hand clenched in Jushiro 's , she started getting a bit scared . The tunnel looked very dark and creepy , like something could just pop out at any minute . A few tears slid down her face , though with how dark it was the man next to her couldn 't see her tears . The further and further they walked the more frighten she seemed to become . The man turned to her , " It 'll be fine . We 're almost through . Are you okay ? " The man pulled her close . " Hey , it 's okay . We 're almost through . Please , don 't cry . " He had his arm around her as the two walked on . He didn 't need to be holding her hand , as long as the two were touching she 'd be fine . " I can 't help it . I 'm scared ! " She sobbed . Jushiro sighed , hearing her whining like a baby . He couldn 't believe what he 'd have to deal with . However , regardless of how he felt it was his job to protect this girl . And of course he wasn 't about to tell her how he felt being the kind and caring man he was . Of course he couldn 't blame her either . All this was very new for her . He understood how she felt being told her life was in danger and being taken to a strange place she never even knew existed until today . It was enough to make anyone 's nerves pop . But just as luck would have it she just had to trip up over her own feet and fall which made her lose contact with him . " Hey , you okay ? " He reached down and helped her to her feet . " Thank you , you 're very kind , " she sniffled . Her eyes then widen in fear at what she saw coming up from behind them as she had turned and looked behind her . It looked like a huge black void of nothingness . She yelled in terror and passed out . " Oh crap ! " Jushiro gasped . He lifted the dead weight into his arms before flash stepping the rest of the way through the Senkaimon . It was very lucky his flash step was so fast or they may have not been able to make it out of there . Right after he got through , the gate closed behind him . " Jushiro , this place is so beautiful . It 's like something out of my history books , " she told him . Her head kept turning to look at her surroundings , fascinated by what she was seeing . " Would you like to tour the place or go directly to my place ? If you 're tired we can always do something later , " he told her , giving her a gentle smile . He was trying to make her feel as comfortable as possible . " Maybe some other time . I am a bit tired , " she yawned . " How are we getting there ? " She didn 't think this place had any taxis or anything . He turned to her , " Flash stepping is basically how to get around in the Seireitei . Without it , it would take a long time to get to anywhere . Everything 's so spare out it would take a day to even get to the Squad 1 barracks . As for what it is , flash step is a run that 's so fast the naked eye can 't see it . " She turned a bit pale at hearing that . She felt her stomach turning already and they hadn 't even flash stepped yet . " Oh gee , that doesn 't sound very fun . And what was that thing that chased us in the Senkaimon ? " She remembered seeing something dark approaching them right before she 'd passed out . " That was the cleaner that cleans out the Senkaimon . It gets rid of anything that 's not supposed to be in there , like humans . That was why I told you not to let go of me no matter what . It was so it wouldn 't know you were there , " he told her . She looked down at the ground , a bit ashamed . A few tears came out of her eyes , " I 'm sorry . I know I must be such a pest to you . People 's always told me I 'm a weak crybaby cause all I do is cry all the time about everything . " Jushiro lifted up her chin , making her look up at him . " You 're not a crybaby Rika . It takes lots of courage and bravery to put up with what you 've had to go through for so many years trying to hide from hollows and arrancars . You 're the bravest person I know . " At hearing what he told her , she sobbed , throwing herself against his chest , getting his clothes soaked . " Thank you , no one 's ever treated me this nice before . Not even my own parents . I get bad grades and they keep kicking me out of the house . " He shook his head . " No need to apologize for something you can 't help . Here , let 's go to my place . I have a remedy there that should help . I 'll try to go easy . " He lifted her into his arms as she nodded and hiccuped at the same time . He ended up having to stop to let her rest 10 times at least before they finally got to his estate . As she hiccuped Rika 's eyes sparkled at how beautiful the landscape of his property was . It was like something out of a fairy tale . There was lots of beautiful flowers around in all sorts of colors . Then there were also all the trees around as well of different colors . He even had a mot with a small bridge as well . And the whole yard went along pretty far . His yard wasn 't real super huge but it was larger than any yard Rika had ever heard of before . And the whole property was surrounded by a white brick wall with a gated fence , which was the entrance to get into the yard . Seeing how she admired his yard he smiled and carried her into his manor where he sit her down on a sofa in the living room . " I 'll be right back in a minute . " She nodded and watched him leave the room . A few minutes later Jushiro re - entered the room carrying a mug in his hands . It had some type of green liquid in it . It looked a bit like green soda but Rika knew it wasn 't . " What 's that ? " She asked . Her body jerked with another hiccup . " It 's medicine . A home remedy for hiccups . It 's an old family cure . However it might be a bit hot , " he told her . " Like a hot pepper . That kind of hot . So you might feel like you just swallowed acid , but this stuff really works . " He handed her the mug . She figured it best to drink it fast so she wouldn 't spit it back up . So , eventually preparing herself she swallowed it all in one huge gulp . " AH ! " She cried out , feeling the after burning sensation running up her throat . After a few seconds though it stopped and she felt her hiccups were all gone . " It worked ! " She gasped shocked it worked so well . Jushiro laughed a bit , " Why wouldn 't it ? Here in the Soul Society remedies are quite a bit different . Now , why don 't I show you to your room so you can get some rest ? " She nodded , allowing him to take her by the hand and lead her to a room down the hallway . She was very lucky he was there . His home was so huge she was scared she 'd get lost in it very easily . There were so many twists and turns everywhere . " Well , I get guests from time to time that don 't like using the traditional style bedding , so I have quite a few guest bedrooms like this one here set up just in case . " He showed her around and told her he 'd be just down the hall if she needed him . She smiled and after he left the room she went over to a huge wardrobe and surprised to see normal nightwear she picked out a nightgown , changed and went to the bed , getting under the covers she was quick to fall asleep . Deep in Hueco Mundo in a huge castle called Los Noches sit a man with curly brown hair in a secret room that only him and one other person an Espada doctor called Syazel knew about . Oh , and Gin knew as well . This man was Sosuke Aizen . He was formally the captain of squad 5 but had deflected to Los Noches , making everyone believe he had evil intentions when all he was trying to do was wake up his girlfriend . Tiffany , who had been in his squad was under a very deep hypnotic trance and had been that way for years . The man who had done this to her was very dangerous . His name was Kaizar and he was the true enemy , not Aizen . His Zanpakuto was a twin to his own and he was keeping poor Tiffany in her coma to control him . Now Aizen wanted revenge on everyone for what had been done to the only woman he ever truly loved and a few months ago he 'd gotten the Hogyuku out of Alison Kurosaki . She was the human woman who was currently staying with Byakuya Kuchiki under protection as well . She was also Ichigo 's fracture twin sister , who he knew could control the Hogyuku and Aizen wanted to use its powers to wake up Tiffany and finally take Kaizar down for good . But for right now he had to hide her in a secret room for her protection . No one but him , Gin and Syazel knew where Tiffany was at . Not even Kaname knew . The man had revealed to be a spy for his enemy , spying on Aizen to make sure the man was following orders . Which Aizen had no choice but to obey Kaizar 's every command or he 'd end Tiffany 's life in the blink of an eye . The woman was currently in a white hospital gown and laying on a hospital bed hooked up to tons of equipment . Every time Aizen came in here he secretly cried at the woman 's bedside wishing she 'd wake up . " Don 't worry my dear , " Aizen rubbed his hand gently along Tiffany 's cheek , " I 'll get that woman to use the Hoguyku and I 'll have you back with me again very soon . That 's a promise . " He 'd often spoken to her whenever he came in here , like she could hear him even though she couldn 't . He knew she couldn 't but just talking to her gave him some comfort anyway . He gripped her hand in his as he leaned over and kissed her on the forehead . The next morning Rika awoke to a nice smell . It smelled like it was coming from the kitchen . She grabbed a housecoat , made a quick fixing of her hair , leaving it down for now out of its buns style and left the bedroom following her nose to the kitchen . She entered the kitchen and found Jushiro there . " I smell something warm and delicious . " " Have a seat Rika . You must be hungry . I knew the smell of food would get you up , " he gave her one of his handsome smiles . ' Oh god ! He 's so hot when he smiles like that . Wait ! What am I thinking ? We 've only just met . ' Pushing that thought out of her head she took a seat next to Jushiro . " Thank you . " She then took her chopsticks and begin to eat . " I 'm going to need to head out to a Captain 's meeting this morning . Will you be okay with just the servants for a few hours ? " He asked her , taking a bite of his own food . " As I 've told you the other day , I 'm a Soul Reaper . You see , there are 13 court guard squads of Soul Reapers . In those squads there are leaders , the captains . Which is what I am . I 'm the leader of the 13th squad . Then right under the captains are the second in command , the lieutenants , then the seated officers and workers below that . " Jushiro hoped he explained it in a way that wouldn 't come as such a blow to her . All this was a lot for her to take in but he figured she deserved to know everything since she will be staying here for a long time . " In a way yes . I guess you could put it like that . " Jushiro just noticed her hair wasn 't in its buns style . Instead , it was hanging down loose . " Your hair looks pretty this morning . " Rika felt herself blushing at his words , " Are you trying to flirt with me ? I 'm not that pretty you know . " She giggled a bit . She 'd been called many things in her life , but pretty wasn 't one of them . She 'd actually never even had a boyfriend before . All the guys she 'd met thought of her as too much of a crybaby to deal with her . " Of course you 're pretty . Don 't you ever derail yourself again . " Jushiro didn 't know how she got the idea she wasn 't pretty or who told her she wasn 't . But whoever told her she wasn 't pretty was wrong . It made him wonder if she 'd actually ever had a boyfriend before . By how she was reacting to his words he figured she probably didn 't . Though it was a bit unusual for a girl of 16 to have never been on a single date before he figured it does happen . " By the way Jushiro . What am I going to wear ? All my clothes are back at my house . " She didn 't think they 've be able to get in and get her things without alerting her parents either . She 'd figured she 'd have to make do with clothing from the soul society for now . Jushiro grinned as they both finished eating . " Follow me . " He got up , took her hand and pulled her to her feet . She nodded and followed after him . He made sure to walk slow so Rika could keep up with him . He took her to a small building on the property that looked to be a storage building . He opened the door and the two made their way inside . " A few of us went to your house the other day after I brought you here and collected your belongings . It was after you went to bed that I had contacted a few members of my squad and sent them after your things . As for your parents , don 't worry about that . They 've had their memories altered for now . They don 't even know they have a daughter . When you 're sent back their memories will be restored . " He explained to her how sometimes they need to alter a human 's memories if they see too much and how the memory re - placer actually works . " My manga , " she grinned happily , finding a box with tons of books in it . She wasn 't very smart and never could learn how to use a computer but she enjoyed reading manga that she 'd collected over the years . The two working together then moved all her things into her bedroom . Jushiro had a large bookcase put in her room for all her manga and she begin staking all the books on the shelves . " Oh ! " She snapped her head around , away from the bookcase to look at him . " That 's fine , go ahead . I 'll be okay for a few hours . " After he left Rika finished putting up her things and grabbed a change of clothes , heading into the bathroom to take a bath and get freshen up . " She 's a bit stressed about being here , " he told him . " I wish there was something I could do to ease her mind a bit . " Jushiro felt really bad about the stress Rika was going under and wished he could make her time here more enjoyable . " What ? She 's here ? Humans don 't belong in the soul society ! " Soifon snapped . She seemed a bit angry about this . She was always real strict about following codes in the Soul Society and hated it when others went against them , no matter what the reason was . Jushiro looked over at the captain who loved fighting more than anything . " That 's not such a good idea . No , she 's not a fighter . " " Just saying it 's a good idea . We should do everything we can to win this battle . " This meeting was getting on Mayuri 's nerves . He couldn 't wait to get back to his lab and run more tests on his little lab rat Melissa Jones . She was a girl he 'd found years ago when she was no more than a child . Now she was a woman of 15 human years old . She wasn 't supposed to actually be in the Soul Society either as the blonde woman with red eyes was also a human . That was why Mayuri sneaked her in . He 'd never got any chances before to run tests on a human . However , lately he 'd found himself having feelings for the girl and was a bit worried . She was looking awfully sick and pale ever since he started testing his poisons on her . ' Perhaps it would be a good idea to stop . I don 't need to lose my best research now . ' " Oh ! Uh … what ? " Mayuri had been off in his own little world thinking about the human he 'd been hiding and missed what the head captain had just said to him . " She 's been doing a lot better the last few months . Especially now that you 've allowed us to have a relationship , " Byakuya stated . About a month ago Alison who 's the reincarnation of Byakuya 's dead wife had been arrested and accused of being a spy for Aizen . But it was all a trap by the man to get the real Hogyoku that was inside the woman . Byakuya had broken the law just to rescue the woman , realizing how much he loves her . Now Byakuya wasn 't a hard case like he 'd been six months ago when he 'd first brought Alison here . He used to be a lot like Soifon but no longer , thanks to Alison . She changed him . He was now a gentle man , much like Jushiro . He then just thought of something . He was normally a quiet man but lately Alison had been getting him to talk more and he didn 't even care the woman was Ichigo 's twin sister anymore . " Captain Ukitake what if Rika were to meet Alison ? " " You know , that 's a good idea . Letting her know she 's not the only human here under protection might put her mind at ease . Plus , it 'll give her someone else to talk with , " Jushiro agreed . " Well , we may as well have her meet all of the Captains and Lieutenants as well . Do you think you could bring her right over ? " Yamamoto asked Jushiro . " Okay , we 'll resume in one hour . It 'll give the women time to get here . Until then , meeting adjourned , " stated Yamamoto . Everyone started leaving the room . Soifon grumbled something about it being wrong for two humans to be here in the Soul Society , then left . She was actually still in a very bad mood and had been for a few weeks now . After hearing the Head Captain was allowing Byakuya to be in a relationship with Alison she 'd been cranky . She hated that decision but there wasn 't much she could do about it . She believed in the rule that souls and humans were forbidden to be in love and hated Alison for finding a way around that rule . " Oh , she is . Just wait until you meet her . By the way , she 's too young to drink so keep that to yourself , " Jushiro told his friend . " She 's 16 human years , " he told his friend . Shunsui looked shocked as he left the room . This meant she was a bit young for him . Of course any human would be young for him . Him and Jushiro were both over 2 , 000 years old . His age was something Jushiro had yet to tell Rika . If he told her she 'd be quite shocked by it . But if she did ask him Jushiro would tell her . With that thought in mind he left to go get Rika while Byakuya left to get his girlfriend . Jushiro found Rika sitting in his garden reading one of her mangas . She was dressed in a red dress and had her hair back up in her two tight buns . He could see the cover of the book from where he was standing and saw the title said , ' Sailor Moon ' on it . The girl on the cover had her hair fixed a bit like Rika 's but her hair was blonde and seemed to go down to her knees . No wonder she fixed her hair in two buns all the time . That was the hair style of her favorite manga hero . He came up to her slowly from the front . He didn 't wish to startle her after all . " Rika ? " She looked up at him from her book . She then grabbed her bookmark and placed it inside the book , saving her place . She placed the manga on her lap . " Oh ! Jushiro , you 're back . How 'd the meeting go ? " " It went okay . There 's something I need to ask you about . You 're free to refuse if you feel you 're not comfortable with it though . " " Before that , can I ask you a question . It 's been bugging me for awhile now . You know my age but I never got yours , " she stated . " You don 't have to tell me if you don 't want to , but I am curious to know . " Uh oh ! This was going to be a shock . But Jushiro had promised he 'd tell her if she asked him . He wasn 't about to keep any secrets from her or lie to her . He wasn 't that type of man . " You can 't be no more than what … 21 ? " Rika suddenly fell over , anime style . " W … what ! 2 . . . 2 … 2 , 000 YEARS OLD ! No way you can be that old . Are you pulling my leg ? " " No , I 'm quite serious really . Here in the Soul Society we age slower than humans do . Some have even stopped aging altogether at a certain age , " he told her . " Woah ! Unbelievable ! " She gasped in shock . She got up off the ground , wiping the dirt off herself . " Now , what was it you wanted to ask me ? " She was taking this way easier than Jushiro thought she would . He thought he 'd cause her to pass out in shock , but he didn 't and was grateful for that . " Well , the Head Captain basically the captain of Squad 1 who 's supposed to be the leader of the Seireitei was wanting you to meet all the Captains and lieutenants since we 'll all be protecting you . But I must warn you before you go there are a few who don 't approve of you being here . See , humans aren 't really allowed here but we made an exception for you . There is also another like you as well . She 's also a human who was brought here for protection . Her name is Alison Kurosaki . Would you like to meet her ? " " Like me ? She 's in danger as well ? Sure , that 'll be fine . " She looked at her state of dress thinking perhaps it 'll be better if she had a nicer outfit to meet everyone in . Jushiro seemed to think the same thing . He took her by the hand and led her into some other room . Jushiro went over to a closet and came back out with the prettiest kimono Rika had ever seen . It was a dark violet purple with a bright pink tie around it . " Why don 't you wear this to the meeting , " he suggested . She touched the soft fabric and gasped at feeling how soft and smooth it felt to the touch . " I couldn 't ! It 's much too nice . " " Which is why I want you to have it , " he told her , handing her the kimono . Rika felt her eyes fill up with tears at how kind he was being to her . He saw her tears , " Why are you crying ? You 're too pretty to cry . " She once again threw herself into his arms crying at his sweet words . She couldn 't believe such a kind and gentle man as Jushiro existed . Most men only cared about sex . Jushiro seemed to be the one in a million men who were kind and caring . " No problem . Now I 'll leave you alone so you can get changed . I 'll be just right outside the room . I assume you don 't yet know your way around here am I right ? " He didn 't want her to get lost . " You assume right , thank you , " she thanked him again . She watched him exit the room and close the door behind him . She then changed into the nice kimono and put on a pair of matching shoes that came with it that he 'd handed her right before he left the room . She then looked at herself in the mirror wondering if she should do something different with her hair but shook her head realizing it would be fine the way it is . She then told Jushiro he could come in . He then took her by the hand and the two made their way outside , then he lifted her into his arms and flash stepped to Squad 1 . By the time they got there Rika felt a bit dizzy and light headed . Jushiro gently sit her down on her feet . " Are you okay ? " He asked , hands on her shoulders like he was trying to help steady her , with a look of concern on his face . " It 's okay , I 'll be fine in a minute or two . I just get motion sick easily , " she informed him . Jushiro nodded and stood there waiting for her to settle down her stomach before the two made their way into the building . Right when they entered the room they noticed the place was set up with a large table in the center with food on it . All of it looked very good . There was also different types of drinks as well , but not the liquid type as Rika was too young to drink . A man wearing a captain 's uniform with a pink haori over it and wearing a straw hat came up to them . " So , this is the human huh . You 're right Jushiro she is beautiful . Hard to believe she 's only 16 years old . " " Nice to meet you , " she told him . She then reached over to the food and got herself something to eat . She saw a woman just then with black hair and some things hanging down from her hair looking like pigtails . The woman had her arms crossed looking like she really didn 't wish to be here . Rika smiled and went over to the woman . " Hey , are you okay ? " Soifon turned to the girl , " You must be the human Rika . Well , I don 't approve of you being here one bit , but a job 's a job . Now go away and leave me alone ! " " It 's fine . I understand how you feel . " Rika took her by the hand and smiled at her . " I know I shouldn 't be here but if there 's anything I can do to be less of a burden here please let me know and I 'm truly sorry . I 'd like to be your friend , please . What 's your name ? " Soifon sighed , deciding she 'd give her a chance . After all it wasn 't the girl 's choice to be here , " Soifon . I 'm captain of Squad 2 . My squad is also the punishment force . We deal with anyone who breaks the law . " " That 's awesome . " Rika let go of her hand . Jushiro was watching Rika talking with Soifon and was quite shocked by what he was seeing take place . Soifon was never friendly to anyone and here she was opening herself up to Rika . " I know , I knew she was special the moment I met her , " Jushiro agreed . He watched as Soifon had calmed down , no longer looking pissed off and the two women made their way over to the table and got some punch as they continued talking . Soifon was actually laughing at something she told her . " Oh my god ! She 's laughing , " Shunsui said in shock . It looked a bit creepy for him to see the squad 2 captain acting so out of character as she was doing now . Perhaps they all had misjudged Soifon 's character all this time . Maybe she actually did care about others but tried to hide it . " Believe it or not she 's 16 , " said Shunsui . Byakuya turned to him and nodded in reply like it was really no big deal to him . Hey , the woman he was with was one year younger after all . Alison 's 15 but Byakuya figured it not to be a big deal when he was 242 years old . So , to him age didn 't really matter . She got done talking with Soifon and came right over . She saw Byakuya and thought , ' Woah ! Another hot guy ! Are most of these Soul Reaper Captains hot men ? If so I feel like I 've died and gone to heaven . ' She blushed a bit as she thought that . " Rika , this is the human I 've told you about , Alison Kurosaki , " Jushiro introduced her . " She 's also here under protection just as you are . She 's been staying with Byakuya Kuchiki . He 's the Squad 6 Captain . " Though Rika had probably already figured it out Byakuya was a Captain by the way he was dressed but seeing as he was facing her she hadn 't known what squad he led until Jushiro told her . " You must be scared . I know I was when I first came here . But now I 've learnt to love the Soul Society and you will too . Trust me , " Alison assured her . " This place is great once you get to know it . I 've been reading a lot of books about the Soul Society in my spare time . This place really has a long history to it . " " Ya , did you know this place has a Soul King that 's the leader of the whole world ? Now that 's a very important job to have . Talk about having the world on your shoulders , literally , " Alison giggled . A few minutes later Rika laughed as well . The two women started talking about this and that , becoming fast friends very quickly . It seemed the idea was working . Rika was beginning to calm down already and feel more relaxed . " I 'm not a child . How rude ! " Yachiru puffed out her cheeks and gave a glare . She also had her hands on her hips . She looked like she was pouting . " No , that 's just what my sister calls me . You must be the human Rika . Hi , my name 's Sabrina . It 's nice to meet you . I 'm the second lieutenant of Squad 11 . " " Hey ! " The girl cried out as her sister lifted her up like a slack of potatoes and walked away . Rika giggled at what she saw as the taller pink haired girl walked away carrying the smaller pink haired girl . She then looked over to see where they walked off to and saw a man that was a bit tall . He looked wild and crazy like . He looked like someone she differently wouldn 't want to run into late at night , or cross paths with period . She shook at bit . Her lips felt dry all of a sudden and she tried to lick them to put moisture back into them before realizing her whole throat was dried out as well . Jushiro put a comforting hand on her shoulder realizing how shaken up she was . He looked over to where she was looking and saw Kenpachi . " Don 't worry , that 's only Kenpachi Zaraki , Captain of Squad 11 . I know he may look scary but he 's really quite harmless . Unless you get on his bad side which I 'm sure you 've never do . " He laughed a bit . " Sorry , I was only trying to make you feel better , " he grinned . " I see your punch is empty . How about I get you some water for your throat . You look like your throat 's pretty dried out . " " Thank you , that 's very kind of you , " she told him . He gave her his trademark smile and went over to the table to get the drink . He then came back over and handed it to her , gently taking the cup she 'd been drinking the punch out of and sitting it aside somewhere out of the way . Rika gulped down the water feeling her throat getting better already . " Are you sure I can 't run any tests on her ? " Another scary looking man came up to her . This man literally had white skin and black markings on his face . He looked even more creepier than the other guy . Rika stuck out her hand interrupting Jushiro , " Look , I don 't know who you are but you better stay the hell away from me ! " Jushiro and Shunsui were both shocked by her vulgar language . So was Mayuri , apparently , cause he turned and walked away from her without another word . " How should I explain ? " he thought a moment . " It 's where we get our technology from or anything new is developed . Like our lighting , medicines , etc is all created from research and development , " Jushiro told her . " Yes , " Jushiro answered her . " But why he 's after you we have no idea . But we intend to find out . The sooner we do the sooner we 'll be able to protect you better . " Rika nodded and Jushiro led her up to the front of the room where everyone could see her . He knew she was a bit nervous which was why he went up there with her . " Everyone , this is Rika Macross . She 's the human we are protecting from Sosuke Aizen . Like with Alison Kurosaki we must keep her safe as well at all costs , " Head Captain Yamamoto called out to the whole room . " Now if you 'll all introduce yourselves to our guest here . " He turned to her , " My name is Genryūsai Shigekuni Yamamoto . As you probably already know I am the Head Captain of the 13 court guard squads . " " And over there is my lieutenant Chojiro Tadaoki Sasakibe . " Yamamoto pointed over to a man with hair the same color as Rika 's eyes . He stood up and waved at her . Seemed he wasn 't much of a talker at all . Then Yamamoto looked around , a few captains and lieutenants Soifon , Byakuya , Shunsui , Yachiru and Sabrina shook their heads indicating they had already introduced themselves to the woman earlier . So , there was no need for them to introduce themselves again . " Okay , moving on then . Over there is Captain Soifon 's lieutenant Marechiyo Omaeda . " Said man stood up when his name was called . " That 's me . I 'm the lieutenant of Squad 2 . Let me tell you a few things about myself . You see , I like . . . " " Shut up ! " Soifon snapped . At that Omaeda sat back down at the table and started eating some more . Rika laughed at the way the two got along . It reminded her of how siblings got along when they got into a fight , though she 'd never actually had any siblings of her own , her being an only child . However she had always wondered what it would be like to have an older or younger brother or sister . " It is , thank you for caring . But I 'm getting by . It 's a pleasure to meet you , " Izuru smiled at her . Seemed he was just as friendly as Jushiro and that made her glad to know . Seeing him smile at her she just had to smile back at him . The Head Captain then continued on . " Over there is Retsu Unohana , the Captain of Squad 4 , our medical department . It 's where the sick and injured go to get treated . " Rika stared at the kind woman and nodded . That was good to know . So , if she ever got ill she 'd know where to go at . " Then there 's her lieutenant Isane Kotetsu . " As the Head Captain said that he pointed over to where a white headed woman stood up and waved at her . She waved back . Seemed this person wasn 't going to talk to her either . " Squad 5 's lieutenant Momo Hinamori could not make it I 'm afraid . She 's been a bit under the weather since losing her captain who you know was Sosuke Aizen . " He pulled out a picture of Momo and showed it to Rika and she nodded . " She 'll be back on her feet soon . Not to worry , " Jushiro told her , arm around her shoulder in comfort . She looked at him and nodded , cheering up right away . " Actually I 'm a wolf not a fox . Totally different , " Sajin told her . " You don 't have to be scared of me . I promise I won 't hurt you . " " You 're right , I 'm sorry . I was just a bit shocked there . A person 's looks don 't really matter to be after all . It 's what 's inside that counts and I can tell you have a kind heart Captain Komamura , " she told him . " Call me Sajin . You 're a guest here not a Soul Reaper . There 's no need to use my title . You know , you remind me a lot of my wife , Akira . Maybe I 'll introduce her to you sometime . " Sajin sat back down . " I always wear sunglasses whether I 'm inside or not girl ! " He yelled out still talking loudly . Rika just rolled her eyes deciding right away she didn 't really like this guy at all . He seemed very rude and mean to her . " Up next , Shunsui 's lieutenant Nanao Ise . " Yamamoto pointed out a woman at the end of the long table who just looked up , waved and went back to the book . Rika was starting to feel a bit unwelcome here . There were quite a few captains and lieutenants that wouldn 't say anything to her . Jushiro felt her tense up a bit and took his arm off her shoulder to grab her hand and give it a gentle squeeze of reassurance . " Thank you for pointing that out Head Captain , " Shuhei commented , standing up so Rika could see him . She felt bad for Shuhei as well . She knew it felt very bad to lose someone important . She 'd lost her birth parents at a very young age after all . When Yamamoto introduced the captain of squad 10 she was shocked by his size . " Toshiro ? How old are you . You 're a bit young to be a captain . " " He 's right you know . He 's just very short , " a woman with long orange hair and huge breasts spoke up . She had grabbed him from behind in a tight hug as she said that . She then turned and smiled at the human woman , " Well since I 'm already up I may as well introduce myself . I was next anyway right ? I 'm Rangiku Matsumoto , lieutenant of Squad 10 . Nice to meet you hun . " " Uh … nice to meet you as well , " Rika answered her . Rangiku seemed like she 'd be a fun woman to hang out with . The type who enjoyed going out to parties a lot . Unknown to her that wasn 't the case right now . The lieutenant was going through a bit of heartbreak lately . She 'd been in love with Gin Ichimaru and he left . She had no clue though that the man she loved was in love with the girl he 'd taken with him , Sasami who they had all believed to be Aizen 's daughter though she wasn 't . She was actually a human being who Aizen had kidnapped away from her parents when she was only a toddler and made her believe him to be her father . " And that there 's Kenpachi Zaraki of squad 11 . The man with Yachiru on his shoulder , " head captain showed her by once again pointing . Rika was sure by now his finger was getting pretty sore from all this pointing he was doing , pointing out the different captains and lieutenants to her . " That 's the fun of it , " the man grinned . Once again she felt frighten of the squad 11 captain . He seemed to enjoy giving pain and causing it as well and that frighten her . " Sorry , " he apologized , deciding to keep his mouth shut . She was then introduced to Mayuri 's lieutenant Nemu who she was surprised to find out was an artificial human being . Mayuri had made her himself to be like a daughter to him . " My lieutenant has been dead for years . His name was Kaien Shiba . He was very brave and stood up for the innocent no matter what the cost . That eventually cost him , his life on the battlefield . He died while on duty , " Jushiro told her . " No need to apologize . You didn 't know and it happened a long time ago . I 'm quite over it now . Ever since then I 've never gotten another lieutenant . There 's just been no one who could fit the bill . " He didn 't tell her the full story . He didn 't want to depress her . She was going through enough problems as it was , without him adding to her problems . After everyone had been properly introduced to her everyone went back to the food , some making Rika feel welcome while others just ignored her . There were even a few she actually tried to avoid as well . After the meeting it was getting a bit late at night . It had taken all day after all . Rika yawned . She was starting to get awfully tired . Jushiro came up to her where she was falling asleep in a chair , " Here , I 'll take you back to my place so you can get some rest . " Posts 1 , 938 Hi there ! Welcome back to Serebii 's fic community ! I noticed that you gave your fic an R rating , which is cool but kinda presents a bit of a problem . See , R usually means extreme violence , sexual themes , or other topics that aren 't exactly general - audiences - friendly and Serebii 's fic forum is more for general audiences unless very specifically noted otherwise . By " very specifically noted , " I mean that according to our rules , you 'd have to consult a mod before posting a fic that has R - level content , and once you get their approval to do so , you 'll have to post warnings about the type of content a reader can expect in your story . This all is basically because we don 't want folks accidentally reading content that isn 't okay for them to read , either because it 's a trigger for them or because it 's technically not legal for them to read it . ( Think minors reading porn . ) The warnings and approvals help us avoid any complaints from parents or vB , in other words . With that being said , if you could please PM a mod ( myself , Dragonfree , or Psychic ) with a description of why this fic is rated R and a sample of the kind of R - rated content you 're going for , that 'd be great . We 'll take a look at what you 're going for and give you advice from there . If it 's milder than an R , we 'll let you know and help you find a more appropriate rating ( and maybe set of warnings , if necessary ) . If it is an R , we 'll help you with figuring out what warnings to give . If it 's more extreme than an R ( which is a thing that can happen ) , we 'll let you know what to do from there . |
I ordered some curtain from Bed , Bath , and Beyond , and they came in a box with a long piece of brown paper . Our 2 year old , M * * * , tore up the paper into a LOT of little pieces and threw them all over our bedroom . Today I asked her to come up and pick it up , she came up and our conversation went like this . . . . Me : M * * * , you made this mess so you need to pick it up . M * * * : ( holding her arm ) I can 't my arm hurts . Me : Well , if you don 't do it , your butt is going to hurt because I am going to spank a bum . M * * * : ( holding arm , still ) I can 't do it , my arm hurts . You do it . Me : I didn 't make this mess , so you can clean it up . M * * * : Make C * * * do it , my arm hurts . Who taught her to do this ? One of the older kids , I am sure . Great . . . . . Well , now that the mass confusion of Christmas is over with . . . I would like to put out my wish list for next year in hopes that everyone can get a good deal sometime during the year , thus relieving the people that line their pockets every year with our hard earned money from any excess they might get from our family . I want , sometime in the next year : some Pampered Chef stonewarea Kitchenaide with the plastic hood and chute so you can add ingredients without making a messanother ring from QVC diamonique collection ( I got a really nice one this year , love it ) stuff from Bed , Bath , and Beyond . a white maltese male dog . . . . we all loved the one we had for a day . . . . especially me : ) So , there you go . . . . my family can keep their eyes open for some discount stoneware . Ryan can keep his eyes open for the other stuff . : ) I hope everyone got what they wanted for Christmas . . . . we had a great Christmas this year , and the MP3 players were a hit . Now I have a few birthdays coming up . . . . it never ends . . . . . I had to take an animal detail at work because the animal control officers get the holidays off . Just that night , during dinner , my children were asking me for a small dog like one we used to have . As fate would have it , the animal I had to pick up was just like it . It was adorable . I had limited options as to what to do with the dog . I could not put it in the outside kennel we have for use when animal control is off . It was 9 degrees outside , and there are holes in it that a small dog can fit through . This dog weighs about 5 pounds . I could not take it to the shelter , they are closed until Tuesday . And , I fell in love it , so I took it home . The kids are in love with it . I thought that our other dog would use it as a chew toy , but it has not . The dog was well groomed and maintained , so I am sure that it belongs to someone who might have been out of town and may very well be looking for it . I have searched the lost and found ads , put up some pictures of it locally , and will contact the shelters tomorrow . If nobody claims it , we will keep it . If someone does claim it , my kids are going to be so sad , and so will I . I might have alzheimers , but I have to say this again because it kills me that people are so stupid . I have tricked people into admitting they have drugs on them by turning my pager off and then telling them that the pager is a drug detection device . I run it over their body , and then turn it on and it makes a beep . I then inform them that my detection device has indicated that there are drugs on the person . The two times I have tried it , the person started crying and just told me where the drugs were . Of course , I only do it if I have enough probable cause to search them and their surroundings , anyway , but it makes me laugh that they fall for it . And , yes , it is legal for me to lie to them . And why not , they lie to me all the time , and unless it is about their identity , I can 't do a thing about it . Turnabout is fair play ? Well , I have to have a hysterectomy . First of all , I am not happy about the cost of the surgery , or the amount of work I will miss in the healing process . Second , it really makes me feel good when I inform a coworker why I am going to need 2 - 6 weeks off of work , and he replies , " I have always thought that you were a man . Now , what I say will be closer to the truth . " I work with such sensitive guys . At least after he said that , he apologized and then he offered any assistance I may need during my healing . I think that I will call him any time I get a craving for something , just to teach him a lesson . Oh well , there are some positive aspects of the surgery , but what a bummer . What I want to know is why is it that when I work , it pours the snows . As soon as I pull into my driveway , it stops snowing . It 's ridiculous . Then , in the middle of a blizzard , I arrest a VERY intoxicated person for DUI , while in the hospital with him a woman asks me to look at her baby because " something isn 't right . " The baby was 9 months old and tested positive for methamphetamine , along with her and her husband also testing positive . Then , they bring in an 8 month old my coworkers were dealing with . I informed the doctor that there was something suspicious about the story that father had told us . When the mother was wheeled by with her baby , she glared at me . I looked back at her once she was in the room , and she asked the nurses to close her curtain so I could not look at her . An hour later , the baby was taken by emergency transport to Primary Children 's hospital . Apparentlyl , there were older injuries contributing to his problems . Today , her husband confessed that while he had the baby in the bathtub , he shook it numerous times . Then , he took it out of the tub and slammed it face - first on the bed a few times . I feel bad for the other kids living in that home , and the baby . Both of these babies will spend their first Christmas in a foster home , as will the siblings of the latter baby . I tried to get them to let me bring the one baby home with me . : ) But , instead , I had to take the drunk guy to jail . Makes me sad . . . . . May God be with them now , and always . M * * * is jumping on my bed saying , " look at me , Mom . I 'm an octopus . " Me : " That 's great honey . " M * * * walks over to me and says , " come on whale , let 's go . " Whale ? Why do I have to be the whale ? Why not a shark , or a dolphin ? What a self - esteem booster . I finally got to be a hero at work , rather than the bad guy . I usually get blamed for all the bad stuff people do , but the other day I actually had a good ending to a story . I got a call of a missing 5 year old boy . The parents said they had just moved here two weeks ago , and their 5 year old has been missing for 45 minutes . They feared that he had walked out the front door . The mother was running around the neighborhood , looking for him . I had other officers come with me to look around . I met with her , and she is frantically yelling his name and crying . ( as I would have been , too ) I asked her if anyone was at home and if they had checked the house well . She said that her husband was home , and they checked the house 6 times . I assured her that he was in the house , and I went to the house while everyone else looked around . The dad was at the house , and assured me that they had stripped linens off of beds and thoroughly checked the house . I informed him that we were going to check again , and asked where he had last seen the boy . He said he was upstairs , so we began looking upstairs . He was not in the bedroom . There was a playroom full of rubbermaid containers . I asked him if he had checked each one , and the father said he had . I asked about the one in the corner that was hard to get to , and he was sure he had checked it . I told him to check again , and I began to move lids and check the ones closer to me . He moved the one in the corner around , then moved on . I pointed back in the corner and told him to check again . The container in the corner was not only harder to get to , it had a cardboard box on it and three lids on top of that . I kept feeling something drawing me to that corner . I heard the father yelling " Ja * * , OMG Ja * * " but the boy was not moving . The dad was holding his daughter , so he grabbed the boy by the shirt and lifted him out . He was limp and unresponsive . His eyelids started to flutter , and he was pasty and wet . We ran him outside for some fresh air as I called for medical to respond . Medical put a pediPosted by Well , I have some days off coming . . . . but it seems like they are never days off . Today I get off at 0630 , but I have to be ready to take my girls shopping at noon for Christmas stuff , be at a Ward Christmas Party that lasts from 2 - 7PM , then make time to get some haircuts and have someone pick up my old headboard out of my house . I also promised someone that I would call them so that we " adults " could finish Christmas shopping . I guess that is out of the question . I have to get something for my niece 's birthday so I can get that mailed . Otherwise , I will miss her birthday . Sunday is church and an appointment for tithing settlement . . . . so maybe I will get the adult shopping on Monday ? I wanted to go to the temple on Tuesday , but we will see how that works out . . . . . . I will probably get called into work . : ( You know that your life is boring and mundane when it has been nearly a week since your last post , and you have NOTHING even remotely interesting to say . . . . . . . How pathetic is that ? All I have done , lately , is work . I am hoping that in January , I can take some days off . . . . . OK , I don 't really like them , but the song comes to mind after the health assessment that my work made my husband and I do the other day . The incentive was that they would take $ 250 per person off of our deductible . We found out that our body fat composition put us up in the national obesity level . I am fatter than I have ever been , without being pregnant . My waist is 5 inches larger than normal . My cholesterol is high , and my husband has similar issues . That just made my day . . . . . . Well , now I am depressed . I am going to have to stop drinking soda and start working out again . I DO get paid to work out . . . . . so I should probably do it . I will try to lay off the donuts . Yesterday , a cousin of mine was taken off life support and passed away . He was only 22 years old . He had been driving on wet roads and skid out of control , then hit a telephone pole and a tree . When the ambulance arrived , his heart was still beating but he was not breathing . He had broken his back and neck in 6 different places . He was put on life support , but the injury to his brain was too severe . Please . . . . . . WEAR YOUR SEATBELTS ! ! ! He wasn 't wearing his , or he might just still be alive ! ! My heart goes out to my family in this time of loss . What a tragedy . I have to say that the day after Thanksgiving sales are about a madhouse . Is it really worth the pulling of hair , the scratching out of eyes , the gnashing of teeth to save $ 10 on a Christmas toy ? A Mervyn 's employee of mine said that there were 1 , 000 people there at opening to get some MP3 players that were really crappy , but CHEAP , and they were running UP the DOWN escalator . Some lady almost fell , so he hit the emergency stop button to prevent injuries , but it gave everyone running up it a nice jolt . Target had some cheap Lego sets , and people were nearly killing each other to get them . How ridiculous ! ! I did get a " free " tree at Home Depot that I am very happy about . It was $ 29 . 99 and I get a $ 30 gift certificate from them in the mail . That is cool . The kids and I finished decorating , and I am done shopping except for a few minor things . I have six days off coming next week , I have to wrap presents before the kids see them . I have to finish some scrapbooking gifts , then I can sit back and enjoy the holiday season . I do enjoy the giving atmosphere of the season , but I don 't like how commercialism has kinda taken over . I have to say that today was productive , I got most of the Christmas decorations up . Hubby was gone with his brother the entire time , so he got out of it . The kids were excited as we didn 't have a tree last year and spent the day at a hotel . ( It wasn 't fun at all . ) Everyone in CA living around us came to the conclusion that Mormons don 't believe in Christmas . My mother started a few Christmas traditions . . . . every year she bought us dated Hallmark ornaments . I have some from the 70 's , and continued the tradition with our kids . I am missing one from the oldest from 1992 , I hope it turns up . It 's fun , but the kids are always fighting about who has what , so I took the time to label them this year . Everything is mostly done except for the ceremonial hanging of the beloved Hallmark ornaments on the main tree , which we will do on Friday . I need another tree for the living room with the fireplace . I may wait until the day after . . . . . We all also just noticed that the tree we have used for the last 17 years is smaller than we remember . . . . . but it still looks OK . Maybe the day after Christmas I will get two more trees . . . . HUMMMM ? ? Even though there won 't be much under the trees , the house looks cute after years of accumulating Christmas decor . Fun . So . . . . we are going to Ryan 's mother 's house tomorrow . She has allowed a cat into her home , an animal that I am deathly allergic to . I will be sick less than 5 minutes after walking in the house . She says that it doesn 't roam the house , but what people don 't understand is that the dander DOES roam the house . What is funny is that my husband knows that I will suffer through it at her house much like I do at my cousin 's house . I am in my cousin 's house only long enough to sleep in the room that the cats are forbidden in , and I still get sick . I get up and leave the house immediately , and return only to sleep . I drug myself up with allergy medication , but my allergy to these worthless animals is so severe that it doesn 't help much . With that said , my husband was mad at me today . . . . . I asked him why and he said , " I know that we are only going to be at my mom 's house for a couple of hours and then we are going to have to leave . " Then , he starts mocking me by immitating my voice when I am sick and not able to breathe due to severe asthma , " uh , thanks for dinner . . . we have to go now . . . . I can 't breathe . " I said to him , " wait a second , you are mad at me for something that I haven 't even done yet ? " Why aren 't you mad at your sister for bringing it into the house , which would also be about as ridiculous . Yep , that is what I have to live with . . . . . . . OK , I know this is rude , but it is a serious problem . There was a lady that was easily 400 lbs on the airplane with us . I watched her board before everyone else . . . . . which spared anyone who might have been sitting on an aisle seat as her passing would have deprived them of whatever was near the edge . I watch her get in her seat . She doesn 't fit , so she moves the arm rest up to fit and cannot put it back down . I watch as people board the plane . She has to use the restroom , and she has to back into the bathroom as there will be no room for turning once inside . She doesn 't lock the door , and some unexpected gentleman walks in on her . He is , most likely , at least partially blind , now . She returns to her seat to find that two other young girls have now occupied their seats next to her . She attempts to squeeze back into her seat , but cannot get in without much effort , then there is not room for her as she occupies almost the entire seat next to her . Luckily for the two girls next to her , the plane was not full and they were moved . Why didn 't this huge person have to buy two tickets ? What would the airline have done if the plane were full and she wouldn 't fit in her seat ? Another thing , the airlines are now nazis about how much your luggage weighs . If it is even one pound over , you must remove it or pay extra . Me and all my luggage , plus my flight companion AND his luggage , didn 't weigh at much as her alone . If you have to pay extra for luggage , she should have to pay extra for weighing down the plane , using two seats , and causing the plane to use extra fuel . Oh the injustices . . . . . Well , congrats to Ryan on finishing his dissertation ! ! I believe that life is about to improve for all of us . : ) I get to work less overtime , once we catch up , and Ryan gets to have a real , normal life . I am sooo excited , but surely not as excited as Ryan . On another note . . . . . today on the airplane , there was a lady that was sooo huge . . . . . she could barely fit in the aisle . She went to the restroom , but didn 't lock the door . Some poor , unsuspecting man opened the door on her . ( Though I am not sure how he got the door open . ) I heard him gasp , and apologize . I am sure he is going to need some therapy . I was going to give him Ryan 's number . . . . . : ) Well , Ryan is defending his dissertation this morning . I hate that there is so much riding on this one meeting ! ! He was a little anxious last night , and I am feeling it this morning . I keep looking at my watch , and time is going by so slowly . Good Luck , Ryan ! ! We LOVE you ! ! ! Well , I just did my timesheet and the last two weeks I only worked 125 hours , as compared to the 147 the previous two weeks . Whew ! ! The only bummer is that I didn 't get to spend any of the last check on fun stuff , so maybe this next one . . . . . . well , who am I kidding ? Oh well , I am very grateful that I have the overtime should the need arise . . . . . . . I was working really early in the morning and decided I needed a drink about an hour into my shift . I pull into the convenience store and go straight to the cooler and then straight to the checkout . As I am walking out , I hear someone yell , " Yeah , that 's right , get back to work . " I turn , thinking it is someone I know giving me a hard time . It wasn 't , and he sucked air through his teeth and tilted his head back , glaring at me . As I walk out , he is yelling at me to go " busting crime " blah blah . . . . . . . . so . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I pull across the street , and notice the gentleman leaving . His car has no front plate , which is against the law , so I pull him over . He isn 't wearing a seatbelt , and has no proof of having insurance . I warn him for the plate , and give him a citation for the seat belt and insurance problem . After he signs it , I ask him , " am I working hard enough for you now , sir ? " Of course , he says , " F * * * you , you f * * * c * * * * ! ! " and peels out and drives off . I swear , there are some people you just can 't please ! ! At work , there is this lady that calls us about three times a night and for the most stupid things . Here are some examples of why she is calling 911 : " There are juveniles outside filling up my window wells with water . " " My neighbor just gave my dog a Klondike bar , trying to kill it . " " The neighbor 's kids just filled my furnace up with dirt and now it won 't work . " " My neighbor was just in my house , he went out this window right here ( pointing ) but I have no idea how he locked it back up . " At 4 : 00 AM , " would you please send someone over here to make them turn off all the lights ? Someone is shining lights in my face and I can 't get to sleep . They shouldn 't be allowed to do that . " This lady works in the mental health profession . I asked her if I was one of her clients , what she would say to me if I came in and reported these things to her daily . I finally snapped and told her she was halucinating . Of course , tonight when she called she asked for them to send someone out , except for the lady that told her she was psycho . I NEVER used the word psycho , but I was thinking it a lot ! ! That is FINE with me , I don 't have to deal with her again ! ! So , I go to the Walmart Pharmacy to pick up my son 's prescription . I get there , and there is a long line . There is a lady standing in front of the line . Her roots are grey for about 4 inches , then the rest is dyed red . She is wearing strange clothing , and she smells funny . Nonetheless , we are standing there waiting in line when she suddenly turns around and starts screaming at those of us in line behind her , " Can you all just back up ? I am trying to talk to her about my prescriptions . " Of course , I turn to the lady behind me and say , " SO , all out of prozac , are they ? " We had to laugh , but it was a very uncomfortable moment . Well , today was the opening season of deer hunting . Half of our department was off of work to go hunting . A lady hit a deer , and it was still alive and trying to get up and run away . I had to shoot it . It was a four point ( 8 point by Eastern standards . ) I had to take a picture . My coworkers are going to be mad . I got a huge buck on opening day ! ! If my camera were better , you could see the photo . . . . but it sucks and the photo turned out too dark . : ( To all of the ignorant drivers out there , beware . I am sick of being behind you in the fast lane while you meander around sightseeing . . . . I am sick of you pulling out in front of me . . . . I am tired of you not letting people in when they have their blinkers on . . . . . . And , lastly , I cannot believe the way you talk to me when I pull you over for a traffic violation . I obviously have a good reason for pulling you over , or else I wouldn 't do it . If you fail the attitude test , YOU WILL GET A TICKET . There , you have been forewarned . There is a sweet lady that work at my favorite makeup counter . If you are feeling down , just go and see her and you will feel wonderful when you leave . She is always smiling , always makes you feel like the most important person in the world , and always compliments you in a way that makes you feel so wonderful . Her husband passed away a few years ago . I know that she just finished paying for his funeral , as she mentioned it one day . Just prior to her husband 's passing , he had bought a truck in her name . . . then suddenly passed away . The truck was repossessed , and taken to auction . According to some scum - sucking attorney , they got $ 10 , 000 at an auction for an alleged $ 50 , 000 truck . He bought the loan from the Ford Motor Company , and then went after her for the money . Without warning , he garnished her wages , and drained her bank accounts . She had checks out that hadn 't cleared , that are now bouncing . She puts away $ 25 a check to pay her property taxes , and they took that , too . Her property taxes are due next month , and she has no money to pay them with . I am so angry at this greedy attorney , I could scream . If I had the money , I would give it to her in a heartbeat . I happen to be at an all - time poor , and am in no position to help . However , I am going to try to find a way to help her ! ! What a great trip to see my family , but it is taking me several days to recover . : ) While I was there , Chase broke his arm during football practice and nobody could find my husband . AHHHHH . I think that I paced a hole in the floor . He is OK , so it was fine . I really miss my family , I wish that we lived closer . . . . . . . maybe some day ? Well , I am sitting in Atlanta airport , my least favorite in the world ! ! I am on my way home . While I was gone , Chase broke his arm and Ryan wasn 't able to be reached for a while , so that was exciting . I have to say that though I am exhausted from getting the tables and chairs set up , cooking , picking up things , washing laundry and dishes ( sounds like I never left home ) I am so grateful to have gone and spent some time with my family . My poor aunt is not in good health . She and my uncle have been like second parents to me . I consider their house home more than any other besides my own . I miss them terribly . I think that I will drive out there for a while next summer . It was so great to see everyone and as my father commented , " well , we all got together , and someone didn 't have to die to do it this time . " It 's sad , we usually all get together only when someone passes away and we have to attend a funeral . Thanks to all those who made it possible for me to go and see my family . I get to go and see my family in Florida this week . Though I am excited , I really wish that I could take Ryan and my kids with me . It 's a bummer to go fun places that I want to share with my family , and I cannot afford to get them there . On the other hand , it is worse for Ryan , who has to stay home with the kids by himself . I finally finished cutting out the silicone caulking . I will put my room back together tomorrow and get it cleaned up for Ryan while I am gone . I have to get to the grocery store and fix the fireplace switch before I leave so they don 't freeze while I am gone . I wish they could come . . . . So , on my last few days off , I painted 3 rooms in the house . I had three days off , and decided to paint my bedroom . I listen to this coworker of mine , and he tells me that he just finished painting his entire house . He rants and raves about how putting caulking around the edges makes this perfect line and seals the tape , so I decide to try it . He tells me to use silicone caulking . I get some and put it on . I spend two days prepping and painting the bedroom . It looks great . I go to pull the caulking off , and it is stuck . He had warned me to goop it up in the corners really well so I have something to grab on to when I remove it , so I do . It is so stuck , you can 't paint it , I can 't sand it off , pull it off , nothing . I call another coworker and ask him about how to get it off , and he tells me the only way is either a solvent that will eat the paint and drywall , or I have to cut it off . So here I am , cutting it off with a utility knife . It 's killing my arms ! At least I just put it on the crown moulding and chair rail , and not the baseboard , too . What a pain in the butt ! ! I am not a happy camper for the extra work . I called the one who told me to use it . He offered to come and help me , and buy me more paint . I told him to forget it , maybe my arm muscles will grow from cutting over my head ? I just want to finish it before I head back East to visit my family . Well , I went with Ryan and Kaila to Wal - Mart Saturday night , and it 's the last time I saw my planner . Not that I blame myself , because I DO ! ! However , when one is experiencing sensory overload . . . . it is difficult to stay on task . I had it at the checkout counter . Then , Ryan was griping that it wasn 't fun , wished he hadn 't come , etc . Kaila is bugging me to drive home , . . . etc . I thought to grab my planner out of the cart when either Ryan or Kaila said , " we already got it , " and shoved the cart out of my way . They didn 't mean my planner , they meant that they got everything else . I have spent the day calling the social security administration ( because everyone 's social security numbers were in there ) and they told me that I had to call the credit reporting agency . I did , and they won 't take one for a minor unless I mail in all this stuff . What a hassle ! ! Not only that , but I had written down what bills were due this week , my work schedule that I have no clue about , dentist appointments that I cannot recall , all my addresses , all my accounts and passwords ( which I stayed up until 1 : 00 AM changing , ) and countless other bits of information that cannot be replaced . Worst of all , my grandmother had written me a letter . She has arthiritis , and doesn 't hand write many things . It was just after her visit with us last July , and I wanted to put it in my scrapbook . I am devastated about that one . She said how much she enjoyed her visit , how great the kids are , and how much she loves us all . I pray it will turn up somewhere , but I am sure it is long gone . Well , I have to go to work soon , . . . . I think . . . . so I had better get ready . Although I am not sure where it is out there , I hope my planner knows that I miss it very much ! ! Does anyone have any opinions or good information to read on investing ? I anticipate paying off our debts soon , and we are interested in investing for retirement purposes , and a savings account for emergencies . I don 't know much about it , just what I have read online . Does anyone have any advice , or know of any good literature on the subject ? Well , my evil side reared its ugly head today . I worked for 19 . 5 hours last night , then came home extremely sleep deprived . I was super - grouchy ! I wanted to go to bed , but I had to patch our wall as I am painting tomorrow . Ryan is upset that I am even painting tomorrow , but I wanted to patch the wall , and I hate the bottom color , so I want to get it painted so there wasn 't a hole in the wall . Anyway , I hoped to have my room taped and ready to start in the morning . It isn 't , and I asked Ryan to help me as I want to try caulking it with silicone to prevent my tape from tearing off the paint as happened in the bathroom I just painted . I just needed help on the area next to the ceiling as I have to hold a big cauling gun up over my head , and our room is rather large . He wasn 't thrilled about it , and told me I would be mad if he didn 't . I just painted three rooms my last days off , and not once did I ever act mad except when I was trying to paint by the internet connectiond and Ryan was too close to the wall so I couldn 't get close enough to paint it . I love the way it looks . It 's amazing how much a little paint will change the atmosphere of a room . I can 't wait to have my room painted . But , I will try to get some sleep in the process , I was crabby today . : ) I called and ordered the paint , and Ryan picked it up for me . Thanks Ryan ! ! : ) Well , something new today . . . we had a geyser in our front yard . There is a pvc pipe that sticks up out of the ground and runs from our irrigation water . Somebody broke it , but Chase and his friend that were out playing by it SWEAR that it was just like that when they went outside . To make matters worse , we didn 't have a key to shut off the water valve , and we couldn 't find it anyway . Our neighbors came over and loaned us a key and showed us where it was . Luckily , because it was starting to leak down into the window well . Now I get to pay to fix that . Does it ever end ? I know it doesn 't , but I am grateful because it could have been worse ! ! Well , I actually got a few days off , and decided to paint my front room as I didn 't like the paint in it and it is the first room you see when you walk into the house . I was moving the desk when the bottom collapsed and broke . Instead of being able to order the bed I really want , I now have to buy a new desk . It is always something coming up that requires my last dime . What a bummer . At least it is a tax deduction as Ryan works from home and that makes it a business expense . It will take four weeks to get it in , so in the meantime our computer is sitting on two card tables . We have an ancient monitor , and we will replace that on Friday when the one we want goes on sale at Costco . It 's a flat screen and will allow the computer to fit onto the new desk . Ryan also went out and got a fax machine after he had to spend $ 20 sending one fax to a Doctor he works with . And , he had to get a digital voice recorder . Now if he just gets his first check , it will pay for all of that . I had extra money saved up , and the some kid will get sick and the doctor bill will eat it all up , or the car breaks , or the toilet leaks and ruins my newly refinished hardwood floors , school fees were ridiculous , etc . It 's always something . On a positive note , I am grateful that I can work overtime to accommodate the shortfallings in our budget ! ! I will paint our bedroom on my next few days off , wish me luck ! ! I would just like to say , for the record , that I need a day off ! ! I am trying to earn extra money to pay for school expenses and we need a new dresser for our room . . . . . so I ordered two with the intention of getting the matching bed and nightstands later . I searched for almost 3 months for furniture . I found a new chain called IM Home , and they have been great . But , I ordered what I wanted , and the armoire wouldn 't fit up the stairs . I am sick of having random pieces of furniture , and they are all cheap and falling apart . . . . so I wanted something durable . I am going to pay a guy to remove part of the bannister so we can get the armoire upstairs . I was going to just return the furniture and get different stuff , but I don 't like the other stuff as well . I am depressed about the furniture , and not having a day off . : ( School is quickly approaching , and I am feeling the downfall of so many school age children . School clothes and shoes were around $ 2 , 000 , and two kids don 't have school shoes , yet . Then , I got letters from the schools with the kids ' student fees on them . I about had a heart attack ! ! The teenagers in high school had fees around $ 300 each , and the junior high kid was just under $ 200 . What in the heck am I paying taxes for ? We are one of the higher tax paying states , with next to the lowest national scores , and I have to pay even more . Worse yet , it was itemized . I have to pay three different computer fees . Add that together with three kids with three different computer fees , and I have pretty much paid for my own computer ! ! Makes me sick ! ! I also have to pay to have my kids use textbooks , to use a locker , to park in the parking lot that my taxes have already paid for , etc . I am starting Christmas shopping as soon as I can , so I don 't have to sell a kidney to get my kids each one gift ! ! : ) After a year of being part - time spouses , it is finally over ! ! My husband is on his way home right now . I am so excited . Of course , school for him isn 't over , but mostly . When it is entirely over , I am going to have a BIG party , even if I am the only one that attends . : ) I believe that I met the antichrist today . He had the most horrid image tattooed on his back , worse that I could have ever imagined . It was an anti - LDS image , and I actually gasped out loud when I saw it . The man had stolen a vehicle from Salt Lake . After some investigation , I found out that he was a registered sex offender out of Kentucky . What a gem . I told him he would surely go to hell for his tattoo , and he shrugged and said , " I thought that I was already there . " Nice , I have to love the part of society I encounter every day ! ! ! I almost forgot , my girls love The Used . Bert McCracken , the lead singer , was a given a citation by yours truly a couple of weeks ago . He was in possession of marijuana . Shocker , huh ? Moving sucks ! ! ! I hate packing the boxes , living for a while without the things in the boxes , putting them in a truck , taking them back out , and then unpacking the boxes . It 's such a pain . And , of course , it doesn 't help that I have boxes and boxes of things that have no real place to be put away . . . . so they just get stored wherever I can find the room to put them . I will be glad when the moving thing is over , because what is worse than moving is living two states away from your husband and kids . I am almost there . . . . . . I am almost ready to bring the kids back to Utah , and I am so excited . ( Not as excited as my husband , but excited nonetheless . ) I can 't wait to be able to beat them for fighting , take away privileges for bad grades . . . . . lol . . . . . . seriously , every time I go there the little one has a new vocabulary , the next one up is in need of serious mommy - attention , and the older ones have so much new stuff going on in their lives that I don 't know about . ( some of it , I am probably glad I don 't know about it . ) : ) Anyway , I am excited . I am grateful for those who let me stay with them , but I will be glad to have my own space to live in . . . . and I won 't have to carry my soap and things to and from the bathroom . . . just to get in the shower and realize I forgot something ! ! The airlines rationalization for things just floors me . For example , I put two suitcases into one on recent trip , knowing I would need the space on the way back . I went to check it in , and it was overweight by 5 lbs . I thought that I was making is easier on the airline , they only had to deal with one bag . I was so wrong . I had to either pay an extra $ 75 , or separate the two suitcases . So , now I had to check two bags which took more manpower to load and unload , and the two bags took up more room in the luggage compartment . How stupid is that ? Also , they have lowered the weight on allowable luggage so much ( it used to be 75 lbs , now it is 50 ) that I can 't even fill it up with just clothing without it weighing too much . Also , how is it that my luggage is weighed and scrutinized to the pound , but I weigh about 130 , but the man or woman next to me is over 300lbs and " leaks " over into my seat . Why don 't they have to pay extra ? It kills me . I hate flying these days , good thing it beats driving . However , with the new price hikes from Delta , the only non - stop airline between my two cities , I may just start driving ! ! It will be cheaper , that is for sure . I have been working out faithfully for over three months . I try to heed my husband 's counsel and not worship the scales , but rather go by how I look in the mirror and how my clothes are fitting . In addition , I have been trying to eat healthy foods rather than fast foods , even though my coworkers are mocking me and ordering just a water when we meet for meals . " I 'll just take a water , hold the salad . " I am a woman in a man 's profession . Anyway , I am not losing weight , my pants are getting tighter around the waist , and I am totally ready to give up . I do cardio 6 times a week for at least half an hour , and lift weights at least twice a week . On most days , I do over 45 minutes of cardio . What gives ? I may as well just sit at home and eat what I want , I didn 't gain weight that way . I was just trying to get rid of the stomache pouch and big legs / butt for bathing suit season , but it isn 't working and I am very discouraged . I had another heroin overdose this week . It seems like the heroin addicts don 't understand that if you stop using for a while , you cannot just pick back up and start using at the level you stopped at . It 's sad . The dad of the 22 year old male came down while we were doing the death investigation and said , " I have been waiting for this day to come for the past 5 years . At least the waiting is over . " How sad . I wish drug addicts would realize how much their addictions hurt others , or maybe I wish that they would CARE that their addictions hurt others . It 's sad to see people destroy their lives , and hurt people that care about them so much . I felt bad for the dad , I didn 't really know what to say to him . I had just arrested the kid a few weeks prior , and he had been arrested often . I couldn 't even say I was sorry . I was sorry the family was hurting , but it didn 't seem appropriate . We have been having at least one overdose per week . It 's so sad . This death investigation was less stressful than the last one . The gentleman was looking at homosexual pornography and engaged in auto - erotic play . The family redressed him before we got there , but left the rest for us to try to hide from the rest of the family that hadn 't already seen it . Some people need to pick better hobbies with less risk to their health ! ! It has been raining / snowing , and I am SICK of cold weather . I am going to Mexico at the end of the month , I can 't wait ! ! On days like today , I really wonder why I live where it snows ! ! I have been working a ton of overtime , and I am TIRED . We don 't get overtime until we work 86 hours in a two week period , and as of today I have 45 hours of overtime on this next check . It should be a good one , I am crossing my fingers that I have enough to pay off the Mastercard . Oh , the things we NEED ! ! : ) I had a call the other day , while working on patrol , where a guy was dying . They dispatched myself and medical , which they commonly do because one of us is bound to get there first to begin first aid , and it is usually me . Running with lights and sirens , I am bounding down the freeway at 110 + MPH , and some retarded moron cuts in front of me . This is common , I am used to it . Often I follow people for quite a while before they realize , " Oh crap , it 's the cops " and move over . On occasion , I will follow someone for over a mile before they realize it . I am slowed down , and switching between 3 siren tones while blowing an air horn to try to get their attention . So , with a guy dying . . . . . I follow a guy for 5 ( FIVE ) miles . His girlfriend is reclined in the passenger seat , he is leaning way over and can barely see over the dashboard . They are all into each other , he is swerving all over the road . What an idiot ! ! I am so frustrated , if I was only armed with front loading / deploying torpedo launchers , he would no longer be contaminating the gene pool . I have been displaced from my family for this year , and I have to say that though I am sure that it has been harder on my husband because he is stuck with all the kids . . . . . I am having a rough time ! ! I hate being away from the kids , but will readily admit the break from dealing with their daily squabbling has been nice . I am feeling guilty because my husband is doing it by himself , guilty for enjoying the time away a little bit , and missing them . . . . all at the same time ! ! I will be glad when we are all together again , and this year is a distant memory ! I had a guy in jail that had blown his wife 's head off with a shotgun coming over to my desk and trying to intimidate me . He would always stare me down and try to scare my by making comments about his deceased wife . For example , others would complain about writing letters to their wives , and he would comment that he didn 't have to worry about it , and then laugh hysterically . He was creepy . He came over to my desk while I was sitting there and said to me , " you know , you remind me of my wife . " I replied , " Really , with , or without , her head . " I was training some new people , and needless to say some of the females did not return . : ) So , obviously , I am a deputy sheriff . I know a guy that is always in jail that was found having sex with his step - mother . I have to take a report from him , and find that his biological mother has stolen his car while he was in jail and stripped it for parts . He wants to press charges against her , so I go and arrest her for a felony car theft . When he asks what I thought about it , I asked him how it felt to screw both of his mothers . Is that bad ? : ) I am married with six children . Life is crazy with things to do and people to see . We have just jumped over some major life hurdles , so I am waiting for the payoff . |
Don 't get me wrong , I 'm not writing this to complain about my childhood , or to prove anything . I 'm just trying to get some closure . Before I start I have to tell you about myself so that everything more or less makes sense . Hopefully you can handle the bore . I was born in a small town in Minnesota . ( I apologize , but for privacy reasons I 'm not going to give away the name . Besides , I don 't want to be held responsible or anything if you visit this town out of curiosity . ) I don 't want to give out my full name either , so I 'm going to refer myself as Jimmy , my first name . There 's never been anything that wrong with my parents , but they never really said much to me at all to me when I was small . They were very overprotective though , they never let me go out with friends , play outside without surveillance , and all that kind of stuff . When I was thirteen my only three friends were Neil ( who I hung out with mainly because he was my next door neighbor ) , Chris , and my best friend , Jack . I lived in the suburbs which , in a small town , doesn 't amount to much . It was difficult to play outside not just because I had to get supervision , but because it rained constantly . We managed to make do with what we had , but I really feel sorry for my thirteen year old self . The majority of our " play time " was had in my room . We would usually tell each other scary stories we heard at school . Almost all of them were horrible , mainly given the fact that they all sounded the same . I never really had any of these stories to tell , but Chris sure as hell did . He was fat and pretty unpopular ; not only because of his appearance but he 's also pretty strange . The stories he 'd tell were just different versions , or possibly continuations of , his first . In them , there was never the same protagonist of each story , it was one of those stories that they try so hard to make you believe they 're real . The monster was called " The Creeper " , " The Stalker " , " The Watcher " , " Eyes " , and my favorite " Mortimer " . I don 't know why I love the name , but it was so human - like that it felt real . Basically , Mortimer is this humanoid creature with white skin ( so you can see him in the dark , I guess ) and long , black , oily hair that stalks people . He never fully lifts up his head and just watches you with his grey eyes . You 're supposed to just keep walking as if you never saw him . In his first story , that 's essentially what happened . The main character saw Mortimer on his way home , thinking at first it was a pervert , but then realized that this thing was following him . The scariest part was that he didn 't hear it move , it just sort of teleported . Whenever he looked back it would get closer and closer , until the protagonist stopped looking back ( smart guy ) and just ran home . Then , the story ended . Of course , given that we were twelve , this was the scariest thing we had ever heard . Chris felt good about himself , scaring us and all , so that 's probably why he kept repeating it . If this is all that happened I wouldn 't be writing this , so I assure you things get pretty interesting . The day after we heard the " Mortimer " story , it was the only thing we heard at school . Chris told everybody , and it spread fast . There was some girl saying things like " I saw ' The Eyes ' the other day when I was walking home from school . It was broad daylight too ! Monsters aren 't supposed to be out during the day " . This was obviously a lie , she even admitted to it a couple months later when the police got iHe was a good ten feet behind Mortimer when the man heard Mortimer say , " That 's not nice " with a normal voice . ( It 's weird , I know , I thought he would have some sort of demonic or sweet voice , but Chris just said it was a normal person 's voice . ) The old man didn 't want to put up with this , so he turned around to yell some more but Mortimer was right behind him . His face was tilted to the left , and his eyes were a darker gray than before . The old man ran to his house , not looking back . He locked the door and ran into his kitchen . He grabbed the phone , dialed 911 , and when he looked out the window in the left corner he saw Mortimer , staring at him with his tilted head . It 's not clear what happens next . That story gave me nightmares . I was in my bed , with the covers over my head , hoping Mortimer wouldn 't be staring at me through the window . The next day Jack told me he had the same experience . We were just kids , so I 'm not surprised that it scared us . When we met up with Chris and Neil the next day we tried not to talk about the story , but Chris wanted to have another " scary story day " that night . We never had a routine of when we told them , but it was usually once a week . Both Jack and I looked at each other for a moment , and then looked back at Chris . Jack told him he had to go to a family reunion that night , then Neil kind of mumbled something about homework . Next was my turn to lie , so I told him it was family night . I told you before my parents almost never talked to me , so you can understand why I had to hold back a smile . Chris just stood there , as if we just greatly insulted him . He smiled a little and just said , " Okay then , soon . " He kept repeating " soon " as he walked away . That night , things became interesting . I was just goofing around in my room , making airplanes and tossing them at my wall , then my mom came into my room . I remember her being really quiet , telling me " Please come here Jimmy , there 's someone here to talk to you " . I got up and followed her out . Neil 's For the next week everything was normal . We all still ate lunch together like usual , and we tried our hardest to forget about Neil . But , as you 'd expect , there was another incident . This time an old man was found dead in his house . He died from a heart attack . His body had been there for a little over a month . He must have died a few days after Chris told his third story . Chris was freaked out the day they found the body . He told us that he knew the man because they lived on the same street . He was a regular crotchety old man , and very early in the morning he would go on daily walks . He told us that it 's where he got the idea for the story in the first place . Boy , was he freaked out about it . Jack and I had to tell him it was just a coincidence . He was old , so it 's not that crazy that he died of a heart attack . If you can believe it , nothing happened in the town for almost a month . The police weren 't able to find Neil , but by then we had already gotten over his disappearance ; we had to get on with our lives . That night Jack , Chris , and I were supposed to walk home together like usual , but my mom picked me up because there was a wedding we had to go to . It was probably the most boring thing I 've been to in my life . I knew no one there , and I just sat down at one of the tables . I thought about Neil a lot while I sat there . I imagined how funny it would be if he actually got lost , lived in the forest for a while , and then found his way back when we were in high school . That made me feel sorry for not knowing him as well as I should have . Later that night I got another visitor . This time it was Jack 's mom . I knew what happened the moment I saw her . I began to cry , and Jack 's mom hugged me . We did the same spiel I went through with Neil 's mom . She told me that they were going to find Jack , but I knew better . I looked at her with bloodshot eyes and told her , " You 're never going to find him . Mortimer got him . " Jack 's mom looked at me like I was crazy . She must have thought Mortimer was some rapist that hung around town . I had to spend an hour explaining to her who he was . It was crazy though , she even laughed a little bit . After Jack 's mom left my mom gave me one of the few speeches she ever gave to me . She told me the typical parent stuff : monsters aren 't real and everything is fine . I cried myself to sleep that night . My alarm clock woke me up the next morning for school . My mom ran into the room and turned it off . She rubbed my head and told me that I didn 't have to go to school that day and to go to sleep . I got right up after she told me that . I needed to go to school that day . This " monster " took two of my friends , and I wasn 't going to lose the last one . When I got to school I saw Chris run his flabby ass over to me . He was out of breath when he got to me . " You . . . you hear what ha - happened to Jack , right ? " . I nodded . " He dropped me off at my house , and told me goodbye and how he 'd see me tomorrow . Then his mom came to my house that night and … " I stopped him and told him that I had the same experience with Jack 's mom . Then , I told him , " Tonight we need to have another ' scary story night ' . This time we 'll have it at your house . " I wanted to stop this thing , and if Chris could predict his weakness , someway to defeat him , we could save ourselves . He smiled like I just gave him a godamn cookie . The whole rest of the day he told me he had several more stories he wanted to tell me . That night I had to sneak out of my house because I knew my parents would never let me walk in the dark by myself because of the recent disappearances . When I was walking to Chris 's house I jumped at almost every noise that I heard . Then , when I was only a block away from his house I heard someone walking behind me . I didn 't turn around to look and ran . I knocked on the door when I got there , very violently too . Chris answered the door . He told me that his parents went out to a play . He also said that they do it a lot , and that they 're almost never at the house . I felt bad for him , but it was very convenient for me , given that his parents knew mine . He rushed me to his room , which was all the way in the back of the house . When I got inside I was amazed . He had all the coolest toys , and he had figurines hanging on the wall . It was a typical spoiled kid 's room . He pointed at a chair in the corner of his room . " You can sit there . I 'll get a candle to set the mood . I also need to get a match … " He walked out of the room and closed the door behind me . Chris had a pretty nice desk , it had its own built in lamp . I walked over to it to check it out . On the desk was a single notebook , it was a big five subject one too . Instantly , I thought it was for writing down the Mortimer stories . I didn 't hesitate to open it . At the beginning of the notebook , I saw his first set of stories . Then , the stories were no longer in writing , they were drawn out . I flipped through them . They were drawings of people being chased by Mortimer . It was horrific , especially Chris 's depiction of Mortimer 's face . The last drawing really interested me . Instead of a man or woman , it was a boy being chased by Mortimer . The boy had curly black hair . The boy wasn 't on any other pages , just the one . I closed the notebook shut . It could just be a coincidence , but I knew better . I needed to know more about what happened to Jack . I immediately began to check the rest of the room . In the drawers of the desk there was just blank pieces of papers . Under his bed were even more expensive toys . I opened his closet , and inside was a large chest . I hesitantly opened it up . Inside I saw the most horrific sight I have ever seen in my life . There were limbs , heads , and torsos of two people inside . The chest was filled halfway with blood . I also remember that it smelled pretty horrible , but it 's not At that point , I just wanted to kill him . It sounds , horrible , but this bastard was probably the one who killed my friends . I had to hold in my rage so I could see if I could get more out of him . For all I know , Mortimer could have placed those bodies to prevent me from learning his weakness . Chris took out one of his matches and tried to light it . It was pretty pathetic , it took him like thirty seconds . While I watched him light the match I swear he had gray eyes , but when he finally managed to light it I saw that his eyes were actually blue . He lit the candle , put it on the floor , and began his story . I remember the story well , I can almost recite it word for word . " Not too long ago a man named Jim was walking home from a hard day at school . " The second I heard the name I knew he was going to try to kill me . " You see , he just came back from practice , and his legs were tired from all the suicides he had to do . " I don 't think it was a coincidence he used the word " suicide " . " Jim misbehaved a lot , he didn 't listen to his coach , and so the coach made the whole team run that day . While he was walking he saw a beautiful sight ; it was Mortimer staring at him from afar . " This was the first time he actually called the creature Mortimer . " He was scared of Mortimer because he didn 't understand him . Mortimer was worried for Jim , you see . Jim yelled at him and told him to go away . Poor Mortimer . " He said that last part with a sweet , sympathetic voice . " Mortimer was persistent , though . He still wanted to help the misguided boy . Jim became angry , he even punched him in the face and made him bleed . Mortimer didn 't like this . He genuinely wanted to help him , to take him off the horrible path he was following . So Mortimer followed . He touched the ground softly , like an angel , and when Jim turned around he was surprised of Mortimer 's persistence . Jim began to run . This scared Mortimer . If he lost him , Jim wouldn 't be able to be saved . " Chris was actually close to crying at this point . I honestly felt bad for that crazy fat boy . " The more Mortimer saw the boy 's face , the more depressed he became . The misguided boy was too fast for him , and Mortimer wasn 't able to catch up . Mortimer was less than an inch away from grabbing his throat , but Jim managed to enter his house and lock it . Jim ran to his room , still believing it was a dream . He ran to his bedroom , pulled his covers over his face , and just kept breathing heavily . Mortimer was looking at him through the bedroom window . He was watching over Jim , trying to help him . If Jim wouldn 't accept his help then Mortimer would have to force his kindness on him . Mortimer entered the room through the window , undetectably , and watched Jim lying in his bed . Jim slowly began to pull the covers from his face to see what was there . He saw Mortimer and screamed ; he didn 't want to be helped . But Mortimer knew best , he helped him anyways . Mortimer had two reconstruction tools , two knives , which he brought especially for Jim . Jim resisted by pushing away Mortimer 's kindness and screaming for his parents . The first thing that needed to go was Jim 's voice . Mortimer balled up a blanket and shoved it into Jim 's mouth , using his hand to hold the blanket in place . For the reconstruction he need only one hand , anyway . His arms were second to go . This was very difficult , it took a couple minutes for each of Jim 's arms because of the bone is so hard to cut through . You know what I 'm talking about , right Jimmy ? " He looked at me with a smile , like he was telling me something completely normal . I couldn 't put up with it anymore . There may have been better ways of doing it , but I was direct with him . " Why did you kill Jack and Neil , Chris ? " Chris looked back at me , confused . " I didn 't kill them , it was Mortimer . They needed to be changed , so he helped them . " Jack got up and walked towards his closet . He opened the door of the closet , and then the trunk . He pushed away the limbs until he reached a head , which he pulled out with both of his hands , and showed me . It was missing all of the skin , leaving just the bones and muscle . " Doesn 't he look better now ? Mortimer fixed him . They 're my friends , so he let me keep their bodies . " I saw my only chance to escape , given he had his hands full . I bolted to the door . Chris didn 't chase after me . I turned my head around , and I saw that he looked confused . " Where are you going Jimmy , you want to hear the rest of the story , don 't you ? If you don 't , Mortimer 's going to have to help you . " I ran out of the door . I was going to get home , call the police , and have Chris locked away forever . I didn 't even get half a block away before I tripped . I messed up my knee pretty badly . I tried to get up , but it waIt was definitely Chris 's body , but he had a mask on . If it was plastic I 'd probably be dead right now , but the mask was made out of Jack 's skin . Chris was holding two knives in his hands . His head slowly tilted to the left . If I was going to die , I was at least going to put up a fight to this monster . I kicked that bastard straight in the balls . He grabbed his crotch ( While he did , that idiot even cut himself ! ) and staggered backwards . I got up and pushed him to the ground . Then , I jumped on him and grabbed the knife out of his right hand . He stabbed me in the side with the knife in his left . He 's not very strong , so it didn 't go deep enough to be deadly . I lifted up the knife , even with my throbbing knee and side , and stabbed him straight in the chest . I made sure I didn 't stab his heart or his lungs . I didn 't want to kill him right away , I wanted him to bleed out . It 's sick , I know , but I wanted him to suffer . I was going to go home and call the cops on that madman . Right as I was walking away , Chris called to me . " Jimmy , can you please let me tell you one more story ? You know . . . " He coughed up blood as he was took off the mask . " . . . before I die ? " I turned back to him and said to him rudely " Make it quick " . My side hurt like hell , so I could care less if he was dying . He spoke as fast as he could seeing he didn 't have much time left . " Scaring you guys was so much fun , you have no idea . I wanted to scare other people , to feel the same joy . I tried to scare that old man . I was wearing my Halloween mask , it was all just for good fun . " He smiled . I was surprised how well he could talk with a knife in his chest . " But I scared him too much , when I showed myself in the window he just grabbed his heart and died . Then I wanted to scare Neil . I went to scare him with the mask too , that time I brought some of my kitchen knives . He freaked out , and then … and then he attacked me . And then I stabbed him " He looked at me , and the face he was making made me actually pity him for a second . " I needed to hide him , so I cut him up and hid him in my closet . Then the day with Jack , I continued because I enjoyed scaring the first two so much . I took the knives I hid in my backpack and I … I . . " I didn 't want to hear it . Gladly , Chris stopped talking about it . " I just wanted to have friends . But I killed all of them . Except you of course . " He gestured towards me , and I shuddered . " I 'm crazy , Jimmy . I never wanted to be , but it 's just the way I am . After I killed Neil , I just wanted everything to be fine . But it just couldn 't . " He was crying now , and his voice became weaker . " Mortimer haunts all my dreams . Every night I dream Mortimer is following me . He wants to change me . To me , he 's real . He doesn 't want me to be sane . He wants me to be crazy , just like him . So , I wrote the story for closure . I thought if I treated Mortimer like he was fake , just a story , I 'd begin to believe it . I actually became normal for a while . But you guys didn 't want to hear my stories . " Chris looked down at the knife protruding from his chest . I felt really bad at this point . I felt like if I would have helped him , none of this would have happened . Chris then said his last words , " You understand me , don 't you Jimmy ? You get why I acted the way I did , don 't you ? " I nodded my head . Chris smiled , and then he died . The walk home felt like it took forever for some reason . When I turned onto my street I saw Mortimer standing in the middle of the road , under the light of the streetlamp . He was staring at me with his gray eyes and his his head tilted down so that he looked up at me . I ignored him , walked right past him , and then didn 't look back on the way to my house . Afterthoughts : Let me sum up the rest of the story : The police found the bodies , we had funerals , and I didn 't go to jail for killing Chris , and after the incident my family moved out of that town . My parents didn 't think it was safe to live there anymore , which is probably the truth . I could bore you with the details , but all of it is just depressing . First , Do you think Mortimer is real ? No , I don 't think he 's real at all , he was the delusions of a madman . It was created by his mental instability or some crap like that , and the reason I saw him was because I was mentally unstable at that moment . That 's the story I 'm going to stick with , at least . Second , Do you have any hard feelings towards Chris ? Again , I 'm going to say no . I thought I would never forgive Chris when I saw the bodies , but I got over it after his little speech . In fact , I wouldn 't blame Chris for hating me in hell , where he currently resides . Lastly , Have you been back to that town ? For a third time , no , and you couldn 't ever ask me to go back . I don 't know why , but I don 't care about that town anymore . In fact , I haven 't really thought much about the town since I wrote this . In the end I got my closure , and you got to read an interesting story . I wish I could have given you a happier ending , one where all of us survived and we still hung out on the weekends , but the idea of a happy ending died with Neil . I 'm okay with it though , I have a pretty good life now , aside from the Mortimer nightmares I have now and then . I 'm not going to end up like Chris though , I promise . I want to forget everything I know about that lonely , misunderstood , psychopath . The only thing that 's stopping me is that I still miss the scary stories he used to tell . |
Tags Non - Sexual Infantilism , AU , Adult Baby , Abuse Characters Jared , Misha , Jensen , Mark , Mr . Kitty Full Prompt Either toddler ! Jensen or adult baby Jensen lives in an orphanage where the babies are routinely abused by their caretakers . They 're left alone for hours , naked and shivering , underfed , and frequently physically abused . Cue husbands police officer Jared and EMT Misha . In a police raid , the abuse is discovered and the babies are all removed from the orphanage and taken to the police department for documentation / treatment by the EMT force that tags along . Jared and Misha fall in love with Jensen almost immediately , but he has a long way to go before he can recover from the trauma he suffered in his years at the orphanage . Jared and Misha first foster Jensen , then adopt him in fairly short order , and they basically smother him with all the love and affection and comfort ( strictly non - sexual ) he never got . Slowly but surely , Jensen opens up to his new daddies , and the three of them enjoy their new lives together . If Jensen is an AB , non - sexual infantilism only . Summary Jensen 's an adult baby who has been abused by the very people who were supposed to be taking care of him at the orphanage . Jared and Misha take him in , just like the other times they 've fostered abused adult babies . Jensen shivered , another tear running down his cheek . He was sorry . He knew he was a bad boy . But now he was very sorry he 'd cried because his tummy hurt . He knew better than to complain about being hungry , but it hurt so badly that he couldn 't help it . His diaper was wet and soiled , and he had no idea how long he 'd been in the closet . He wasn 't allowed to come out , though . He learned that a long time ago . He had to wait for Rick to come get him . Or maybe he 'd have to stay in the closet long enough that Gary would be coming for him . Jensen 's bottom lip quivered . Gary was even worse than Rick . And if Gary found out Jensen had thrown a temper tantrum , he 'd be in really big trouble . He flinched as strange , loud noises came from outside the closet . He heard the other babies crying , and he heard voices that weren 't the ones he was used to . But every once in a while new guys in scrubs would come to the orphanage , so maybe that 's what was happening . Jensen stayed as still as he could , sucking on his thumb and working very hard at being a good boy even though he was scared . He wanted to rip off his diaper . His skin was itchy and burned , but if he took it off , he 'd be in a lot of trouble . Jensen looked at Mr . Kitty . Mr . Kitty looked very soft . And his eyes were a beautiful shade of blue . Jared slowly held Mr . Kitty out closer to Jensen . Jensen felt bad for Mr . Kitty . He knew what it was like to be scared . He didn 't know why Mr . Kitty thought he 'd be a safe place , but both Jared and Mr . Kitty seemed to be sure of it , so Jensen slowly reached out and wrapped his fingers around Mr . Kitty , then held him close to his chest . He dropped his chin to his chest and let Mr . Kitty 's fur tickle his cheek . " Cool , " Jared said . " Mr . Kitty and I would really like it if you 'd help us find the way out of here . See Mr . Kitty and I are really hungry , and we 'd like to go get something to eat . But Mr . Kitty is too scared to do it alone , and I don 't know my way out of here . Can you help us ? " Jensen shivered again . He hadn 't been outside in a long time . And the last time he 'd been out , he 'd been bad and Gary had hit him . A lot . Jensen nodded , and he hadn 't realized it was possible , but Jared 's smile got even bigger . Jensen liked the way the skin at Jared 's eyes crinkled when he smiled that big . Jensen had never seen anybody smile so big their cheeks got little indentations , but it made Jensen smile just a little bit . Jensen tried not to cry , but another tear made its way down his cheek . He hugged Mr . Kitty tighter to his chest . Mr . Kitty was scared , and Jensen wasn 't helping by crying . Jensen 's stomach growled . It felt as if his stomach was eating itself . He was so hungry he wanted to curl up and cry . But Jared and Mr . Kitty were hungry too , and they were depending on him to help . Jensen held his arms up to Jared , his right hand still holding onto Mr . Kitty . Jared reached down and picked Jensen up . Jensen squeaked as Jared 's left arm braced across his back , hitting a sore spot , but Jared quickly moved his hold on Jensen to a spot that didn 't hurt so much and Jensen wrapped his legs around Jared . Mr . Kitty was even safer now that he was between Jared and Jensen , and Jensen wrapped his right arm around Jared 's neck . " Okay , where do we go now ? " Jared asked . Jensen pointed to the doorway . " Good boy , " he said as he headed through the doorway . " Hey , hey , " Jared said as he looked to Jensen , a reassuring smile on his face . " Everything 's okay . Everybody 's getting adopted ! " Jensen 's chest ached . It had been so long since someone was adopted . He gave up on it ever happening , and now all of them were getting adopted ! But where were Jensen 's new parents ? Jared walked over to an ambulance , and Jensen got excited . He 'd never been this close to an ambulance before . The lights were flashing , but the siren wasn 't going . It didn 't matter . He was still excited to see it . He tried to peek inside , and Jared must 've noticed because he walked around to the back . " Hi , there ! " Ambulance Guy said . He had pretty blue eyes just like Mr . Kitty . His uniform was a lighter blue than Jared 's and it had a patch on the left arm . " Hey , Jensen , check these out , " Misha said , and even though Jensen was scared , the excitement in Misha 's voice had him looking before he realized what he was doing . " The diapers I have are pretty cool . There 's race cars on mine . " Jensen nodded again . He gasped as Jared stepped up into the ambulance . First he got to see an ambulance , then he was in one ! Jared sat down on the bench and put Jensen on his lap , but Jensen was too excited to care that Misha had gotten even closer than before . He was sitting on the rolling bed in front of him . Jensen looked around at the equipment , eyes wide . He 'd always liked going to the doctor . Dr . Morgan had always been really nice to him . In fact it seemed that was the only time he felt safe . If Misha was a doctor like Dr . Morgan , maybe he was nice too . Misha set the diaper down on the rolling bed , then pulled out a box of baby wipes . He held up his phone and a flash of light made Jensen blink . " You wanna pull the tape off your diaper ? " Jensen whimpered and cringed , pushing himself back against Jared . He wasn 't allowed to do that . Last time he 'd done that , his eye had been too swollen to see out of for three days . Jared ran his fingers through Jensen 's hair while Misha pulled the tape from his diaper . Jared 's fingers felt good . He combed through Jensen 's whole head of hair , chuckling when Jensen leaned into the touch . Jensen flinched and turned to look at the man standing just outside the ambulance . He had a funny accent and a scruffy beard . Jensen had felt so safe with Jared and Misha that he 'd relaxed , and now that the man was standing there looking at him and had scared him , Jensen couldn 't stop himself from crying . He cried so hard he couldn 't breathe or see . By the time he caught his breath , he sucked in huge gulps of air and let them out in a long sob . He felt Jared repositioning him on his lap , and by the time he 'd calmed down a little , he realized the doors of the ambulance were closed and Jared was rocking him . Misha gave Jensen a kiss on his forehead . Nobody had given Jensen a kiss since he 'd been at the orphanage . The last time someone had kissed him was back when he 'd had a mommy and a daddy . Mommy had kissed him before they all got in the car for a ride . He missed getting kisses and hugs . Jensen relaxed again , letting Jared gently wipe the tears away . " I 've got an idea , " Misha said , looking between Jared and Jensen . " I 'm going to take us for a ride . We 'll go to the house that Jared and I live in so that you can have a nice warm bath , okay ? " Jensen remembered taking baths . He liked them . His mommy and daddy used to give him baths , and they 'd let him play with toys as long as he wanted to . He hadn 't had a bath in a long time , and showers weren 't nearly as much fun . Jensen nodded , a small smile tugging at his lips . Jared and Misha chuckled . " You got it , kid , " Misha said as he headed toward the front of the ambulance . " I 'll let the guys know what 's going on , Jay , " he said as he looked over his shoulder at Jared . Jensen shook his head , nearly vibrating with excitement . When the sirens started , Jensen jumped , but instead of crying , he chuckled at himself . This was so fun ! Jared carried Jensen into the house while Jensen waved goodbye to the ambulance , Mr . Kitty still held tightly against his chest . Jared walked through the house and into the upstairs bathroom . Jensen liked how Jared 's house smelled . It was clean and didn 't smell like dirty diapers . Jensen frowned down at Mr . Kitty . How could Mr . Kitty not like baths ? They were so fun ! But Jensen knew how awful it was to do things he really didn 't like doing , so he handed Jared Mr . Kitty . Misha kissed Jensen 's back . " I 'm just going to use a soft cloth to get you clean . If it hurts , tell me right away and I 'll stop . " Jensen nodded , squeezing his eyes shut and waiting for the pain . He felt Misha spread his cheeks and whimpered , but Misha was gentle , and there was just a slight burn as Misha cleaned him up . He never saw the flash of light as Misha took another picture of the abuse . Jensen smiled at Misha , happy that he 'd kept his word . He let out a little noise of excitement when Jared lowered him into the tub , then sighed . It felt wonderful . It was just right . Not too hot or too cold . Misha knew just how to run a good bath . Jensen just sat there for a moment , enjoying the way the water warmed him and made his diaper area stop burning . Misha got down on his knees next to the tub and swirled his fingers through the milky water . " We can 't use bubbles right now . The bubbles wouldn 't feel good on your owies . But as soon as your butt 's all better , you 'll get tons of bubbles . " Jensen nodded . He didn 't want bubbles if they were going to make his skin burn . But if Misha said he could have them soon , then he had something to look forward to . Jared got to his knees beside Misha and picked up a washcloth . It was bright orange and yellow with ducks all over it . " Misha put this stuff in the water to make your butt feel better , " he said as he poured more of the milky stuff onto the washcloth . Jensen looked at the toy and grinned , which made Misha laugh . Jensen picked up another squeeze toy like the one Misha had and squeezed it , but nothing came out . It hadn 't made noise either . Jensen gasped , then did exactly what Misha had done with is own fish . When he pulled it back out of the water , he squeezed it because he was so excited . The water shot out and hit Jared in the face . Jensen froze , eyes wide as he held his breath . None of the guys in scrubs had liked it when Jensen splashed them in the shower . Jensen flinched as both Jared and Misha started laughing . It took Jensen a moment to realize they thought he was funny and they weren 't going to punish him . Jensen smiled , then let out a little giggle . " Are you ready for something to eat ? " Misha asked . Jensen nodded so hard he nearly fell over . Misha chuckled . " Okay , then let 's get you out of the tub and dried off . " Jared took a hold of Jensen 's knees and spread his legs , holding them up . Jensen saw another flash of light , and then Jared was putting Jensen 's feet down on the floor , this time his butt was resting on a fresh diaper . He really hoped it was the one with the race cars . Jensen closed his eyes and leaned into the touch as Misha ran his fingers through his hair . Jensen 's daddy used to gently scratch at Jensen 's head while he was falling asleep . It always felt so good . Jensen was about to fall asleep when Jared lifted Jensen 's legs and started putting pajama pants on him . " Doggies ! " Jensen said as he pointed to the pants . Jensen took Jared 's hands and helped pull himself up . Misha crawled around behind him and Jensen saw more flashes of light . He didn 't know why Misha needed so many pictures , but if Misha thought it was important , then that was okay with Jensen . " Arms up , " Jared said , and then slid a soft shirt down over Jensen when Jensen held his arms up . Jared picked Jensen up , this time avoiding all the sore spots on his back and legs . Misha passed by them and headed down the stairs in front of them . " Here , " Jared said as he grabbed the bag and took out a carrot . " Take bites , " he said as he held the carrot firmly , not letting Jensen take it , but instead touching it to Jensen 's lips . " Just take bites . I won 't take it away from you . I just don 't want you to hurt your tummy . " But wait ! Jared and Misha hadn 't been mean to him so far . Even when he 'd squirted Jared with water they 'd laughed and had still been nice to him . Jared pulled another carrot out of the bag , but instead of waiting , Jensen grabbed the bag , shoved his fingers in , and pulled out three carrots . Before he could shove them in his mouth , Jared stopped him , a hand around Jensen 's wrist . Jensen whined and tried to pull away from Jared . Misha was lifting Jensen 's upper body by the time Jensen realized what he 'd done . He was too hungry to care before , but now he was scared . He 'd hurt Jared and probably made both Jared and Misha mad . Misha wrapped his arms around Jensen and picked him up , having more difficulty with that than Jared had , but soon he was sitting Jensen down on a kitchen chair . Jensen looked for Jared , who was on his knees , curled up and cupping his crotch , panting and wincing . Jensen didn 't want to put his arms down , but he felt bad for hurting Jared . Jared had been so nice to him , and Jensen had just kicked him . He was a bad boy . Jensen slowly dropped his arms and opened his eyes . Misha was on his knees in front of the chair Jensen was curled up on . He didn 't look mad , but he really didn 't look happy either . Jensen lifted his head from his knees . " If you eat too fast , you 're going to throw up , " Misha said . " I know you 're very hungry , but Jared was only trying to help . We don 't hurt each other in this family . " " You need to tell Jared you 're sorry , " Misha said . " We 're not going to take away your food if you don 't behave , so I don 't want you to be worried about that . But it was very mean to hurt Jared , so you need to apologize . I 'm going to go get your bottle . You can have it even if you don 't apologize , but I 'd really like it if you behaved and apologized to Jared . " " I know you 're scared and really hungry , " Jared said . " You 're going to get enough food here . You don 't have to worry about stuff like that . We 'll take care of you . " Jensen didn 't know if he could believe Jared . It had been so long since he didn 't have to worry about whether he would get food or not . Whether he 'd get a new diaper or sit around all day in a soiled one . Whether he 'd get hit or locked in the closet . Jensen took the bottle and immediately started sucking on it , still hugging Jared with one arm . It tasted so much better than what he got at the orphanage . It was warm and already he could feel it filling his belly . " I know , baby , " Misha said . " And you 'll get more later . Just relax and in a few minutes you 'll feel full . " Jensen started to cry softly . His tummy still hurt . It was still growling . They hadn 't lied to him yet , but couldn 't they see he was still hungry ? " Hi ! I 'm the bus driver , " Jared said as he held the book up so Jensen could see the pages . There was a man in a funny hat . " Listen , I 've got to leave for a little while , so can you watch things for me until I get back ? Thanks . Oh , and remember : Don 't let the pigeon drive the bus ! " Jensen was asleep before the end of the book . He dreamed that he was a pigeon who was driving a bus . Jared was the bus driver and Misha was the bus . Misha was a funny bus . " They all need help , " Jared said , rubbing Jensen 's belly , one of the few places the kid didn 't have a bruise in various stages of healing . " They 're all so dependent on others for everything , and it just kills me that people can be so cruel as to hurt them . He 's a good kid . And they just … , " he said , trailing off as he looked down at the bruise on Jensen 's left ankle . " It 's a good sign that he 's already falling asleep so easily on me , " Misha said . " I think this one 's gonna be okay . And he apologized for hurting you . How many of these little ones have we fostered who couldn 't comprehend hitting was something to be sorry for ? " " You 're coming with me to the doctor 's appointment tomorrow morning , " Misha announced . " He 's already looking to you for protection . He feels safe with you . " " The doctor will check him out , " Misha reassured him . " But if Jensen tried to get up and fell , that means he hasn 't been immobile long enough to give up trying . Hopefully it 's just because of the bruising . " " Not yet , " Misha said . " I 'm sure he 'll call later . They 're still going through all the records and matching the kids up with their profiles . I 'm so glad you did that one last sweep . We were about to leave him there . " " He 's gonna get better , Jay , " Misha said with confidence . " He 's been there this long and he 's still a fighter . A broken kid isn 't gonna kick you in the nuts , " he said with a grin . Jensen woke up feeling warm and comfortable . He couldn 't remember the last time that happened , and as he opened his eyes , he expected to find himself in a dream where he was back with Mommy and Daddy . Instead Misha was looking down at him , smiling . Jensen 's thumb had fallen out of his mouth while he was sleeping , so he pushed it back in . Then he reached up with his right hand and traced Misha 's eyebrows . Misha didn 't flinch , didn 't pull away , and instead closed his eyes , letting Jensen do as he pleased . Jensen ran his finger down Misha 's cheek . Jensen tried to sit up , so Misha shifted him so that Jensen 's butt was on the couch cushion next to him , legs still draped over Misha 's lap . " Uh - huh ! " Jensen said as he nodded . " Hungry ! " " I 'm glad he went down when he did , " Jared said as he draped his jeans over the chair in the corner . " I hate telling him he has to stop eating when he 's so underweight . I know it 's better for him , but he doesn 't care . All he knows is his tummy hurts . " Misha nodded . " Yeah , he was in the middle of the back seat , safe in his car seat . He came out of it with a few scrapes and bruises , but his parents both died . " Misha shrugged . " I 'm not sure . He didn 't talk for a while after the accident and had trouble adjusting to life in the orphanage . The notes are few and far between , most likely because of the way they 've been treating the kids at the orphanage . " " I don 't think the abuse started right away , " Misha said . " There was a changover about four years ago . New caregivers , owners , staff , and less government funding . " Misha shook his head . " No . Most of the kids were there long - term . The owners didn 't feed the kids much , didn 't change their diapers enough or bathe them as often as they should , so it kept their running costs down , then they pocketed the money from the government . " Misha turned off the lights , and they both fell asleep . Neither one of them slept hard . They both had an ear out for any noise Jensen might make on the baby monitor . Jensen woke to the sound of Misha humming . He opened his eyes and sat up in his crib . Misha hadn 't heard him , too busy folding the clean clothes and putting them away , so Jensen got to his knees and whimpered . Jensen smiled and reached up . Misha picked him up , grunting a little as he situated the boy on his hip . Jensen wrapped his legs and arms around Misha as Misha headed for the changing table . He set Jensen down , then pulled out a fresh diaper and cream . He 'd already set a wet washcloth on the table , knowing that Jensen would be up soon . Jensen 's skin was still too red and sore to use a baby wipe . " Hey , baby boy ! " Jared said , waving at Jensen with one hand while the other held the handle of the frying pan . " You like eggs ? " Jared dished up all the food , then brought everything over to the table while Misha put a bib on Jensen . Once they were all seated , Jared put Jensen 's plate in front of him . Jensen looked to Jared expectantly , and Jared smiled , shaking his head when Misha chuckled . " All three of us are going to go somewhere today , baby , " Misha said , turning to look at Jensen . Jensen 's eyes widened , a little scared . " It 's nothing to be worried about . All three of us are going to go to the doctor . " Misha led them down the hallway , then walked into the exam room . He was glad he went first because he was able to see Jensen 's face when he saw the doctor . The biggest smile Misha had seen yet lit up Jensen 's face and Jared almost dropped Jensen when he squirmed in Jared 's arms . Misha 's chest ached as he watched the sheer excitement on Jensen 's face . It was good to see Jensen able to be happy and thrilled about things . Misha knew the traumas he 'd suffered at the orphanage weren 't going to pop out of existence , but there was hope that Jensen could have a happy and fulfilling life . " Jensen 's mother was terrified of doctors , " Misha whispered while Dr . Morgan let Jensen try out his stethoscope on Mr . Kitty . " She didn 't want him to be afraid of doctors too , so she always acted like it was a treat to go . Dr . Morgan said Jensen was always his easiest AB to work with and he really missed him when he couldn 't see him anymore . " Jensen giggled , then set Mr . Kitty down next to him and held his arms up . Dr . Morgan took Jensen 's shirt off and handed it to Jared . Dr . Morgan took a quick look at Jensen 's back , then wrapped his arm around Jensen 's middle , right where Jared had learned he had to hold Jensen to avoid the bruises , and lifted enough to get the jeans down . Jensen laughed , raising his shoulders and pulling away . Misha turned to look at Jared , already expecting the tears in his husband 's eyes , and he wasn 't disappointed . It was the first time they 'd heard Jensen laugh that hard . Jensen nodded , then scooted back , lying down on the examination table . It was wonderful to see the trust Jensen had in Dr . Morgan . He didn 't look scared , didn 't hesitate to spread himself out , and he wasn 't looking to Jared or Misha for reassurance . " These are special wipes , " Dr . Morgan said . " Only doctors like me get these . They 've got special medicine in them and they don 't burn . " " How about I make a deal with you ? " Dr . Morgan said , getting Jensen 's attention . " I 'll use just the corner of this wipe on your leg where you 're not as red , and if it burns , I promise I 'll throw it right in the garbage and I won 't use it on you . " Jensen nodded and watched carefully as Dr . Morgan wiped his leg . Jensen gasped , but didn 't cry . When Dr . Morgan lifted his hand away from Jensen 's leg , Jensen smiled . Jared breathed a sigh of relief and Misha turned his face into Jared 's shirt to stifle his chuckle . Jared was a big guy , people were sometimes intimidated by him . And if pushed , Jared could be a take charge , scary guy if he needed to be , but when it came right down to it Jared could be a big old softie . And Misha loved him for it . " Are you ready ? " Dr . Morgan asked as he held the wipe over Jensen 's crotch . " I 'm going to wipe everything down now , all right ? " Jensen nodded , not worried anymore . Dr . Morgan used gentle strokes to clean Jensen up , not wiping over any one area more than a couple times . Jensen never cried , though he did gasp a few times , especially when Dr . Morgan wiped under his balls . Misha stepped forward . " I wiped under his balls , but I didn 't lift them to look , " he said , feeling horrible . Jensen had winced when he 'd done it , but he figured it was just because the washcloth was cold and Jensen 's poor skin was so red and sore . " Did somebody hit you there ? " Dr . Morgan asked . Jensen nodded , so Dr . Morgan balled his hand into a fist . " Did somebody hit you like this ? " Jensen 's lips twitched into a small smile as he reached out and took Misha 's right hand in his , holding on tightly . Misha kept running his fingers through Jensen 's hair . The boy seemed to really like it , and he could use all the comfort he could handle right now . Misha smiled as he nodded . " Thank you , Dr . Morgan . " He felt Jared come up behind him and rest his hands on his shoulders . Jared must 've felt the need to be closer . Dr . Morgan chuckled . " Sorry , little man . We can 't do bubbles for a while . You gotta wait until you don 't have owies anymore , okay ? " " Jared ? " Dr . Morgan said , then nodded toward a table in the corner of the room with some books on it . " Would you mind grabbing the book on the top , please ? Jensen really likes Guess How Much I Love You , " he said , giving Jared a significant look . Jared nodded and grabbed the book , then walked around to the far side of the examination table , putting him on Jensen 's left side . " Hey , buddy , I 've never read this book before . Is it a cool book ? " Misha saw Dr . Morgan pull a swab out from a drawer and set it between Jensen 's legs . He then took Jensen 's penis in his left hand and pulled the foreskin down . Jensen was too busy pointing at the rabbits with his free hand to care what Dr . Morgan was doing . Misha was impressed . Dr . Morgan was really good at this . Dr . Morgan used two more swabs to take samples of the sore under Jensen 's balls , which was numb by now , and also the red skin between Jensen 's cheeks . Dr . Morgan chuckled again . " It 's easy to do . If my life wasn 't as hectic as it is , I 'd have taken him years ago . " " You know full well that foster parents are prime candidates for adoption , " Dr . Morgan said . " You could get him so easily it 's not even funny . And he 's already bonded with you . " " He 's just in need of care right now , " Misha said , shaking his head . Dr . Morgan turned to Misha and glared at him . " You really don 't see that he 's bonded already ? " he asked . " No , he doesn 't , " Dr . Morgan said . " Even before the abuse in the orphanage started , I couldn 't let my nurses come in here with me when I examined him . He barely tolerated the caretakers from the orphanage being in here . " " Okay , I hate to do this to him , " Dr . Morgan said , " but this is how much I want you to take this seriously . I 'm going to finish up my examination and call in one of the nurses . It 's one he 's never seen before , so there 's no bad blood . I think you 'll be surprised . " " Oh , I 'm sorry , " Dr . Morgan said . " I don 't have race car diapers here . But I do have diapers with puppies on them . Would those be all right with you ? " Misha nodded and reached out , helping Jensen sit up . He turned Jensen so the doctor could look at Jensen 's back , chuckling when Jensen gave him a quick kiss on the cheek . Dr . Morgan gave him a significant look over Jensen 's shoulder and Misha rolled his eyes . Jared made a choking noise and Misha 's eyes widened as he forgot to breathe . But before either man could ask why the hell Dr . Morgan was referring to blood tests like that , Jensen cheered , wriggling on the table and smiling . Jared looked to Misha , confused expression on his face as Misha shrugged . Dr . Morgan walked to the door and opened it , then stuck his head around the corner . " Anna ? Could you come here a minute , please ? " Dr . Morgan held the door open while a woman walked in . He handed her the bag with the vial in it and instructed her on where to send it . Jensen , on the other hand , scooted forward and pushed his face against Misha 's shoulder , wrapping his arms and legs around Misha and whimpering as he shivered . Misha looked up at Jared , eyes wide as they both stood there dumbfounded . Jensen had been doing so well . Sure , he 'd freaked out over Mark the day before , but the poor kid had been scared out of his mind then . Right ? " Hey , sweetie , " Misha said as he gently rubbed Jensen 's back . " It 's okay . She 's not going to hurt you . " " He 's not a stray dog , " Jared said . " I know that . But he 's already so comfortable with us and it 's what we knew we wanted to do eventually anyway . " " He 's only been with us a little over a day , " Misha said . " He 's been through a lot . There 's going to be behavioral problems and a whole lot of shit that comes with victims of abuse . " " I think it would be better for him if we decided soon instead of stringing him along , " Jared said . " With all the foster kids , we made it clear they were here to wait for a new mommy or daddy . I don 't know if you 've noticed , but neither of us have said that to Jensen yet . " Jared chuckled . " Yeah , me too . I wanted him from the moment he looked up at me from that closet with hope in his eyes , looking at me like he was just hoping I could be the one to get him out of that shithole . " " If we do this , we can 't take it back , " Misha said . " I can 't tell him to call us Daddy and Papa , then send him away . I won 't do it . " " He 's an AB , not a baby , " Jared said . " He 's at whatever level he wants and needs to be . And if he 's interacting this much already , maybe he 's not at the age level we assumed he was . The way Dr . Morgan talked to him makes me think we could get his feelings on this and then make a decision . He 's been traumatized , but he 's not an idiot . He won 't be making the decision himself , only letting us know how he feels about it all . " " Yes , " Jared said without hesitation . " I 've wanted this since I was a teenager . You know that . I have no doubts that we can make this work . If you decide we shouldn 't do this right now , I 'll be okay with it because I love you and I want you to be on - board with whatever decisions we make together , but I 'm one hundred percent ready for this . " It was normal , and even though it wasn 't easy , Jared and Misha were trying to stay calm and deal with it . Jared had pulled a 36 - hour shift because of another raid that took much longer than everyone had expected , and he had just gotten home a few hours ago . He 'd been asleep seconds after his head hit the pillow . He stood up , wincing as he did . His ass and arm both hurt , but he didn 't want to miss the appointment with the physical therapist . Jensen was making good progress . Misha sputtered as Jared walked out of the room , Jensen crying and begging to not be hit . It wasn 't until then that he realized Jensen was scared . Misha had scared Jensen . Misha wouldn 't have hurt Jensen , but he was upset , and Jensen had picked up on it . Misha felt like shit . He 'd known this wouldn 't be all puppy dog tails and fluffy clouds . It was hard taking care of an AB . Rewarding yes , but hard . Misha knew Jared wouldn 't hit Jensen , but Jensen didn 't know that yet . He was still terrified whenever Jared or Misha looked even the least bit upset . Misha could hear Jared talking softly to Jensen , but he couldn 't tell what he was saying . He stood up and walked to the sink , wetting a washcloth and wringing it out . He 'd been angry , but even as upset as he 'd been , he wouldn 't have hurt Jensen . But now Jensen was crying . They 'd made a lot of progress from the first time they 'd been to Jim Beaver . Jensen had done nothing but cry and hide his face in Jared 's shirt the first few times they 'd had an appointment . Now Jensen liked Jim enough that he was feeling bad about possibly showing up late to an appointment with the man . " Okay , you need to listen to me and Daddy , even when you don 't want to , " Misha said . " We 're not going to do anything to hurt you . When we tell you to do something , it 's because it 's going to help you . Like when I told you to get out of the tub so we can go see Jim . " And then there was this new thing . Jared stood there with his eyes open wide in surprise as Jensen kneeled in the pile of clothes , toys , diapers , and wipes he 'd thrown on the floor . All the drawers and closet doors were open . Jensen didn 't need constant supervision . Sometimes he was okay playing with his toys on the floor while Jared or Misha were close by and either doing chores or running a bath . Not this time . Jared frowned . This was new . He was nearly overwhelmingly excited that Jensen wasn 't scared of him , but he had no idea why Jensen would do this on purpose and sit there so unashamedly gloating . Jensen was able to walk now , but Jared didn 't want even more of a mess down the hallway . He stripped Jensen in the bathroom , then helped him into the tub . Jensen acted as if nothing was out of the ordinary and insisted upon Jared playing with some toys while he had his bath . Jensen was smirking . That same little smirk Jared had seen all day long . No remorse , no scared little boy who was scared of getting hit . Something was up , but Jared wasn 't sure what to do about it . Misha picked up Jensen 's plate and set it down on the TV table near Jensen . " You 're going to eat over here instead of with me and Daddy . If you apologize , then you can eat with us again . " Jensen frowned and looked to Jared , as if Daddy would save him . Jared just shook his head and took another bite of food . " Wanna eat with you ! " Jensen said , pouting up at Misha . " Um , oh , " Jared said , trying to concentrate on Misha instead of Jensen . " After you left we finished breakfast and played outside for a while . Jensen had a bath after that because he got into the baby powder and dusted his room with it . " Misha stood up . " Okay , you can eat with us , " he said as he picked Jensen up and set him back down on his usual chair at the table . He then went over to the fridge and poured some milk into a clean Sippy cup and brought it to the table . Jared let out a sigh of relief . He wasn 't sure he was going to be able to take much more of the crying . Jensen had sounded so sad . He was glad Jensen had changed his mind . " I think so , " Misha said . " But because of the abuse , there 's a twist to it . He 's pushing to see if there 's a breaking point where you 'll send him away . " " It might be , " Misha said , shrugging . " But he 's had more nightmares lately , which I think means he 's working through something in his head . If he 's happy enough here to settle in and accept that he can have this life , then that could be really scary for him . But that doesn 't mean he can be allowed to misbehave . I know you want to just play with him , love him , and hold him , but he needs discipline too . " " I know , I know , " Jared said lifting his head and grinning at Misha . " We 're not beating him , it 's just time - outs , but Misha , his little face when he 's sad ! It 's killer ! " Misha chuckled as he lifted his head off the pillow , then kissed his adorable husband . " I love you so much , Jared . And there 's nobody I can think of I 'd rather raise Jensen with . " Misha sat on the floor and crossed his legs Indian style . " These papers are the ones we 've been telling you about , " he said , holding the papers out between the three of them . " These are the papers that say you 're part of our family . You 're our son now officially . " " And see right there ? " Misha said as he pointed next to Jensen 's name . Jensen nodded . " That says your parents are Jared and Misha Collins . " Jensen sat there for a moment , eyes darting over the page . Neither Jared nor Misha knew if Jensen could read . He 'd point at words sometimes and say them , but it was always with books he knew , so it could be memory recall , but it didn 't matter . The way he was looking at the page was something Jared didn 't think he 'd ever forget . There were times that Jared wished Jensen spoke as much as an adult , but the look on Jensen 's face told him everything he needed to know . Jensen was content , happy . Jared and Misha hadn 't even realized it , but this is what Jensen must 've been waiting for . He hadn 't believed he could stay until the adoption papers went through and he could see the proof . " I don 't know , guys , " Misha said , smirking and voice teasing . " We haven 't had dinner yet . Ice cream might spoil your appetite , " he said with a shrug . " Papa ! " both Jared and Jensen whined together . " Please ! " Jared said , and Jensen followed soon after , both of them giving him puppy dog eyes . " Oh , all right , " Misha said , laughing when they both cheered . " I 've got chocolate , vanilla , and Rocky Road ice cream . What flavor do you want , Jensen ? " " He did ? " Jared said as he glanced at the clock . It was already after ten in the morning , but he 'd pulled a late shift . He 'd really been hoping to sleep until two in the afternoon , but he was a daddy now . Jensen came first . Jensen was much stronger now that he 'd had a regular diet and exercise . He 'd filled out and become too heavy for Misha to carry up the stairs . He looked healthy , happy , and he had a home . Misha smiled . " Okay , Daddy 's gonna get sprinkles , " he said as he put another pancake on Jensen 's plate . " Do you want sprinkles for the hair or do you want it to be the smiley face 's puke ? " " Puke ! " Jensen decided . Misha chuckled . " Good choice , " he said , then dumped some sprinkles over the bacon , which formed the smiley face 's mouth , then poured more of them down the bottom of the pancake and onto the plate . Jared and Jensen both laughed when Misha made a puking sound as he handed the plate to Jensen . When Misha finally sat down , they all dug into their food . Jared looked around the table at his family and felt his eyes well up with tears . He hated how emotional he was at times , but damn did he love his family . Jensen had settled in nicely . And it turned out that he was a little older than Jared and Misha had guessed in terms of what AB stage he preferred , but even at the equivalent of a three - year - old , he still liked being diapered and enjoyed a bottle from time to time . Though Jared and Misha both suspected that was because it was a quiet and special time he got to share with Daddy and Papa . Jared and Misha were happy no matter where Jensen felt comfortable . And even if it changed on a daily basis , they 'd happily go along with it . Jensen was a great kid and completed their little family . Misha and Jared froze , eyes on Jensen . Jensen hadn 't spoken in his normal carefree , child - like voice . He wasn 't smiling too big or bouncing in his seat . He was looking between the both of them , a very serious expression on his face . Jared 's eyes welled up with tears again , but this time he couldn 't stop them from falling . He wiped at his eyes , letting out a chuckle . It wasn 't the first time Jensen had looked at them with eyes that were older than three years , but it was the first time he 'd spoken to them like that . " Oh , " Jared said as if he had no idea that 's what Jensen would want . He 'd already planned on making that cake for Jensen . His kid was going to be twenty - six in just a few days . " Well , I suppose I 'll have to throw out the carrot cake I made for you and make a chocolate sprinkles cake instead , " he said with a shrug . Misha chuckled . Jensen had warmed up to Mark after a number of visits , but Mark was persistent . He had always come over for game nights or movies and pizza before Jensen started living with Jared and Misha , and he really wanted Jensen to accept him . He said he would 've been okay with it if Jensen couldn 't handle him being there , but Mark loved kids , so he didn 't give up . Jensen thought hard about it . Osric had been one of the other kids at the orphanage , and a fellow EMT named Richard Speight had adopted him not long after they 'd adopted Jensen . Jensen was still warming up to Richard , and Richard was working very hard at winning him over , but Jensen liked visiting with Ozzy . Jensen was still shy , especially around people outside their family , and being the center of attention , receiving presents was something that was too overwhelming for him . That also meant they 'd be skipping the birthday song and instead just inhaling their cakes . Which was fine . Support the Site © 2015 - 2016 Mayalaen All recognizable characters , content , dialogue , media , etc . are the property of their respective owners . No copyright infringement is intended . I do not profit from this , and the only things I own are the plots and original characters . http : / / mayalaen . com / fanfic / supernaturalrps / mrkittysnewfriend / " > Follow |
Posted by Jill Ginsberg under Aftermath , Giving | Tags : Giving , homelessness , Inspiration , Month of hundreds , philanthropy | [ 17 ] Comments I read an entire ( library ) book over the long weekend , which was wonderful in itself . The book made a big impression on me , and at times left me feeling pretty low . It 's a story you may be familiar with , but I hadn 't heard it before and can 't remember now how I found out about it . I even have a feeling someone reading the blog suggested it . The book is called Breaking Night : A Memoir of Forgiveness , Survival and My Journey From Homeless to Harvard . It 's written by a young woman named Liz Murray who grew up in the Bronx with two drug - addicted parents . From the age of four she watched her parents shoot up in their squalid apartment , waited anxiously for them to come home from scoring drugs , and survived on bread with mayonnaise as they blew their monthly welfare check in a few days of bingeing and left the cupboards bare . Liz stopped going to school and evaded caseworkers with tenacity and creativity . By the time she was fifteen she was living on her own , carrying everything she owned in a backpack and surviving on what food she could beg from friends , or steal . One of the things that struck me most about Liz 's story was how invisible she was . For years she slept in stairwells or subways at night or in friends ' empty apartments during the day while their parents were at work . After a stint in " placement " she was terrified of being sent back into the system so never let on how dire her circumstances really were . I was out for a walk along Broadway today and saw a young woman sitting on a corner . She was wearing filthy clothes and had a kerchief around her head and a dirty blanket around her shoulders . In her lap was a cardboard sign that said " Please help . $ 18 will get me a room at the Joyce . " I thought of the book , and of all the people who looked the other way while Liz Murray endured stunning neglect and thieved her way through her American childhood . There was a dog curled on an old sleeping bag a few yards away , a bag of kibble propped up nearby . I smiled at the young woman and said hello but kept walking , unsure . After a few steps I turned around . The woman spoke . " She 's okay , if you 're worried about the dog . She won 't hurt you . " I went back and stood near the woman . Her green eyes were clear , her face marked by fatigue . Her straight white teeth hinted at the fact that maybe , at some point , someone had cared about her . Her name was Carrie . We started to talk and she told me she 'd been living on the streets for about a year , ever since she lost her job at a residential treatment center in Yakima . She grew up in Portland so , jobless , she headed back towards home . Her car died during the trip and she arrived penniless . Usually she sleeps under a bridge , but occasionally she collects enough coins to pay for a night in a four bed " hostel " room at the Joyce Hotel . She shivered under her blanket . I reached into my pocket for the C - note I 'd tucked in there earlier . " I don 't want to put this in your cup . " I said . " Here . " I held out the folded bill and she wrapped her hand around it and pulled it onto her lap . " Thanks a lot , " she said , smiling at me . A few seconds passed . " Did you look at it ? " I asked her . " No , " she said and opened her hand just a speck , hiding it with her sign . " Oh , my god ! Thank you so much ! " She started unfolding her legs in what seemed like slow motion and then her tiny self was standing in front of me . I towered over her , something that doesn 't happen often . " Can I give you a hug ? " she asked . " No one 's ever done something like this for me before . " She gave me a big hug and then I wasn 't really sure what to say . I told her I was very sorry for what she was going through and to take care of herself . " And , " I added , " remember that there 's goodness and kindness in the world . " With a mildly hopeful smile , she said she would . Earlier tonight I took the garbage out , including the remains of our Thanksgiving feast and a discarded pair of shoes no longer comfortable . Empty wine bottles from our festivities fill the recycling bin . I got chilled in the few minutes it took me to empty the trash into the bins and roll them to the curb . I came in to a warm house smelling of fresh - baked cookies . I was at Safeway down on Broadway near the Dollar Tree with a C - note in my pocket . After I paid , I saw a man standing in front of the lottery ticket dispenser . He was rifling through his wallet . " You ever have any luck ? " I asked . " Yeah , every once in a while , " he said . " One time I hit one for forty eight thousand ! Forty eight thousand five hundred and twenty . " " Wow ! What 'd you do with the money ? " I asked him . " Oh , I have five children and 100 grandchildren , " he said , rather bitterly . " That 's where most of that went . " I wished him luck and headed out . It had started to rain by the time I left the store . I thought of Frank from Day 27 and listened for his harmonica as I crossed the walkway . I would have loved to see him but hoped he was at home , warm and dry , rather than outside selling his newspapers . I was dressed for the weather but still felt the sting of the windblown drizzle on my cheeks . The sky was white as chalk . I stopped for a minute under the Dollar Tree awning . No Frank . I was trying to decide whether I would wait for the bus or set off walking home . I had a scarf around my head and was all bundled up in an old coat . Just another gray - haired lady trying to stay warm . A handsome young store employee was standing inside . He gestured for me to come in , then opened the door and held it wide . " Come on in ! " he encouraged . " It 's awful chilly outside ! " I didn 't need anything from the Dollar Store , but couldn 't resist the warm invitation . His name tag said " Tyrone " . I stepped inside the store and teased him a little . " I didn 't really want to come in . but I couldn 't resist you ! " He laughed and said that Dollar Tree was paying him to be a greeter . " Can you believe it ? ! A greeter ! At Dollar Tree ! " He said he loved to surprise people with friendliness and respect . Especially if they have problems , and if they just need to talk . We settled into a comfortable exchange and he told me had been in Portland for 18 months . He had been running with the wrong crowd in Pasadena and one day realized he had to turn things around . He left his old life behind and arrived in downtown Portland on the Greyhound , penniless . Everywhere he turned , people reached out to help him . He got a shelter bed , then a job , then another job , then an apartment . A steady stream of customers came through the door . One woman had a couple of plastic bags in her hands . " Excuse me , ma ' am . You have to put your bags into the locker while you shop . " " Does it cost money ? " she asked . Tyrone responded in his easy - going manner . " You put a quarter in to lock it , and you 'll get your quarter back when you return the key . And , if you don 't have a quarter , I 'm here . I 'll keep an eye on it . " One man came in and shook Tyrone 's hand like an old friend . He stopped a few more people carrying bags and politely asked them to use the lockers . He told me he is so grateful for his present life that he sometimes breaks down and cries while he is preparing his lunch for work . " I can 't help it ! My life is just so good now . " He said someone told him once that you can make any situation better by putting love into it and he is starting to think that 's true . " I wish I 'd learned these lessons earlier . You just gotta do the next right thing . Simple . That 's all . " I asked Tyrone if he would get in trouble if I gave him something . " Yeah , maybe . I don 't know . I think they worry more about money , like they don 't want us to be taking no tips . Really ? Tips ? Ha ! " His good - humored laugh took any sting out of the words . I told him I wanted to give him something , but it wasn 't a tip , it was just a gift for the holidays . " It 's legit , " I said . " But I don 't want to get you in trouble . " I gave him the C - note and he slipped it into his pocket . " Oh , thank you so much . " He turned away , fighting back emotion . " Look , " I said . " If anyone asks about it , they can check it out . I 'll write down my name . " He wrote down his email address and I said I would send him the picture . I patted at my hair , laughing about a chunk that I could see sticking up in the photo . " It 's down now , " he said , smiling . We shook hands . I stepped back outside into the drizzle . Somehow , it didn 't feel cold at all . The guy I had seen at the lottery ticket machine was at the bus stop . " Any luck ? " I asked . " Nope , not today , " he said . " Maybe next time , " I offered . " Yeah . Maybe next time . " Posted by Jill Ginsberg under Giving | Tags : blindness , connection , courage , curiosity , family , Giving , Inspiration , Month of hundreds | [ 27 ] Comments I guess I was just born nosy , because I can 't ever remember a time when I didn 't like grilling people with questions . Maybe it 's simple curiosity , but I seem to have a greater tendency and need to pry than most . This serves me well in my work as a physician , which is really all about stories and getting to the bottom of things . Having the intention of giving away $ 100 really opened up this part of me ; I became like a question machine . It was a natural part of the giving process but moreso a by - product of feeling more aware and connected . I am simply amazed at how willing people are to share personal information with a total stranger . That 's what happened today . I was back at good old Fred Meyer , along with most everyone in the neighborhood . There was a C - note tucked in my pocket . I had stuff to pick up from all over the store , so I covered some ground . I saw the cashier woman from Day 31 and was happy to see that she seemed to be in a better mood . I said hello to a few people I knew as I worked my way through my list . I was inexplicably browsing through the oral health supplies when I spotted a young girl with a white cane . She appeared to be about 14 and was holding on to a slightly older kid 's arm . Every so often he would stop and she would feel her way along the shelves . " What is this ? " I heard her ask . " It 's candy . And gum and stuff . " Seems like I went around the store in circles a few times but I finally grabbed my last item , a bottle of canola oil . A few yards down was the blind girl . She was standing in front of the packaged pudding , the boy standing somewhat protectively at her side . A woman was behind them , giving her directions . " Look to the … I mean , feel to the left . No , I mean the right . That 's Jello . " " It 's already cooked ? " asked the girl . The woman had a shopping cart full of packaged food . She was in her 60s , had a soft round face and short spiky hair . She saw me looking at her and smiled . She took a few lurching steps and I noticed that one of her legs was about four inches shorter than the other . The kids came over and they all conferred quietly . A large man joined them and I realized he was part of the family too . I stood there and pretended to compare the prices of brown sugar . Lots of people were coming and going . Finally the five of us were alone in the aisle and I wheeled my cart next to theirs . I said hello to the woman , who fixed me with a friendly and open gaze . " Is this your family ? " I asked her . " Yes , we drove up from Medford . " She cocked her head toward the girl . " She 's going to the School for the Blind . So we 're getting stuff to get her cupboards set up . You know , stuff she doesn 't have to cook very much . It 'll be the first time she 's been on her own . " I looked at the small girl standing next to me . " How old are you ? " I asked . " I 'm eighteen , " she said , her eyelids fluttering . We stood there chatting for a while as if we were old friends . I felt the cocoon of love , pride and concern that was surrounding this brave girl . I flashed back to the emotion of dropping my own son off at college not long ago . " I 'd like you to have this . For good luck . " I tucked the bill into the woman 's hand . She looked at it and then at me . " Are you sure ? Are you sure ? ? " I smiled and said I was . The woman reached out and pulled me into a big hug . She pressed her soft cheek against mine in a tender and surprisingly intimate gesture . Then she whispered into my ear , " Thank you . I 'll give it to my granddaughter . " She left a damp spot on my cheek when she finally pulled away . " What is it , Grandma ? " asked the girl . " It 's some money , sweetie . " The woman thanked me , her eyes glistening . I said goodbye and turned to go . I 'll never be sure what she meant but as I pushed off toward the checkout stand I heard the girl say , " Grandma ? I told you I could see with my heart . " I spent the weekend in Boston , where Elijah is attending college . We had a great visit and talked , among other things , about my verifiable history as a cheapskate . He told me how the Oregonian reporter had called and asked if he could give her some examples of my cheapness . He apparently had no problem coming up with a slew , and reminded me about the time I drove around the block waiting for the guys at Jiffy Lube to put out their " $ 10 Off " sign . Stuff like that . I am very glad to see that my kids are both sensible and generous without having absorbed any of my bizarre relationship to money . The streets were positively teeming with people ; scads of tourists as well as lots of folks who looked pretty down on their luck . It was chilly out , though nothing like it will be in a month or two . I saw people curled up in doorways , huddled in sleeping bags and sometimes under a sheet of cardboard . On Saturday morning I went to get coffee at Borders and was doing some browsing when I noticed a well dressed man sitting in a comfy chair . He was sitting up straight with his eyes closed and appeared to be sound asleep . I watched him out of the corner of my eye as I thumbed through a book about the back roads of Ireland . After a few minutes a store employee approached . He didn 't say a word , just grabbed the back of the guy 's chair and lifted it up . Then he let it bounce , hard . " Hey ! Get up ! " he barked . The sleeper 's eyes opened ; he was now dazed yet alert . The employee told him to leave , then stood there staring him down . I found this scene very upsetting and impulsively stepped to the guy 's side . " Have you read this book ? " I asked him . I guess I wanted the employee to know whose side I would be on if it came down to it . The sleeper looked at me somewhat blankly and said , " No , I haven 't read that one . " Then he stood up and left . I went to tell the employee what I thought of the situation and found him standing behind the counter . I understand that they don 't want the store used as a hotel , but the guy wasn 't bothering anyone and I didn 't see the need to be rude and disrespectful . He told me they had been trying to wake the guy up for a while ( really ? ) and were about to call an ambulance . " And " , he preached , " These people generally don 't want an ambulance called . " I put the books I had selected back and left without buying anything . When I got to the airport today I still had the C - note in my pocket . I had plenty of time and a long flight ahead . It felt good to stretch my legs so I wandered around for a bit . I passed a shoe shine stand and was offered a shine . My suede boots were not a good candidate but I stopped to chat for a while . The shoe shine man asked me where I was going and told me he was headed for Berlin tomorrow ; he 's lived there on and off since he married a German woman in 1977 . His wife doesn 't like living in the US , although they tried to make a go of it . He has a second job with the airlines so he flies for free and goes back and forth every few months . My mother was from Berlin , I told him . " You 're German , then ! That 's what I tell my kids ! Don 't deny your heritage ! Just because you 're American doesn 't mean you 're not German , too ! " He told me his name was " Brown , like the color . " A man came to get his shoes shined and Mr . Brown turned away and got to work . I walked around a little more and thought a lot about Mr . Brown . He was going to Berlin ? Tomorrow ? It seemed such an unlikely coincidence . And he didn 't strike me as an international traveler . But there I go again with my assumptions . Berlin is the city from which my mother fled as a young woman and never returned . The city where her wealthy parents had their business and all their property confiscated by the Nazis . I 've never visited and never wanted to . Berlin seems … scary somehow . I turned back and went to find Mr . Brown . I told him I had a favor to ask him . A bit warily , he said sure , what was it ? I explained about my mother 's family and that they had been largely ruined by the Nazis . How my mother had left some of her fear planted deep within me . And that she had died not long ago . He nodded with understanding and watched me carefully . I handed him the C - note . " It would mean a lot to me if you would take this with you to Berlin and do something good with it . " His eyes lit up . " Oh , wow ! Yes , ma ' am ! Yes , I certainly will ! " He wanted some ideas for what I had in mind so we talked about some possibilities . " There 's no homeless there , you know , " he reminded me . " Germany has got it going on ; they know how to run a country ! " Then he said , " OK , I get it ! You 're blessing me and I 'll put a blessing on someone over there . " Then , " I 'll be thinking about you the whole time ! " I thanked him and we shook hands . He pulled a guy over to snap our photo then laughed at how small I looked . " At least I have a nice smile , " he said . He gave me all his phone numbers . In case I want to talk some time . And I really should make it over there . Berlin is a beautiful city , he said . With beautiful people . Posted by Jill Ginsberg under Aftermath | Tags : connection , Giving , Inspiration , Month of hundreds , philanthropy | [ 20 ] Comments Thanks for all your lovely comments . I am amazed and truly humbled by the far - reaching impact this project has had . Please keep letting me know about your own ways of " paying it forward . " It is weird to walk around without the mission of giving away $ 100 each day . I 've been smiling a lot but otherwise keeping pretty much to myself as I go about my business . What will it take for me to reach out to a stranger ? What do I have to offer ? As people heard about my project , I got a few direct requests for assistance . Some people assumed I have fabulous wealth and am looking for ideas on how to spend it ( neither is true ) . One particular request captured my heart . My son Aaron posted a link to the blog on his Facebook page . Richard , one of his college friends , is in Cameroon serving in the Peace Corps . Richard posted a comment on Aaron 's wall asking for help for a nursery owner he is working with . Basically he said that $ 100 could rescue the whole growing season for this guy . I know that there are lots of wonderful organizations doing great work all across the world . I love micro - enterprise and I love bringing education to girls ( and other living creatures ) . I was impressed by Richard 's pluck and intrepidity , and I loved the connection through Aaron . We wired $ 100 and asked Aaron to pass it along to his friend . We got this response from Richard ( he even included a link in case we wanted to learn more about air - layering ) : I 'm just writing to express my sincere thanks for the donation of one hundred dollars that you 're sending via Aaron to me here in Cameroon . My tree nursery friend was elated to hear that he would be able to repair his air - layering propagator . It 's really good news for him , because he is just starting to cut down his air - layered tree branches , and without the propagator to assist in them budding , they would all die . Additionally , the gift will also have some far - reaching consequences . I 'm putting together a school reforestation program for a variety of schools in my area where we will plant improved varieties of fruit trees and N - fixing leguminous trees . Because his air layering propagator will work now , we were able to add his local school to the project , so the 300 students there will be getting 200 new fruit trees in their school come April as a result of your donation . Again , thanks so much for your kindness . Happy trails . A Jewish woman born in the 1920 's Berlin fled to England during the war and ended up in the US . She raised a family and lived a long life . She worked until she was almost 80 and left a small retirement fund to her daughter . The woman taught her daughter to be frugal and gave her the tools to be generous and open - hearted . Thanks to this woman , some people in Cameroon will be enjoying fruit and shade for years to come . That 's amazing . Posted by Jill Ginsberg under Giving | Tags : connection , Giving , Inspiration , Month of hundreds , reflection | [ 28 ] Comments The first thing I want to say is a very big " thank you " to everyone who has been reading and commenting . This journey really has been about me and for me , although I hoped maybe a few of my friends would take it to heart and be inspired to talk more about human connection and money , and maybe give a little bit extra away . I underestimated the power of Facebook ( which led to the Oregonian article written by Nikole Hannah - Jones ) . And maybe , in these hard times , the power of some positive news . It has been moving , humbling and deeply satisfying to hear from people all over the country and as far away as Scotland that the stories have made an impact . It 's the end of the month and I have thought a LOT about where things go from here . I need to take a breath and let the experiences of the past month settle . I still have lots of questions but I do have a few answers . I have decided that I like giving this way . I will continue to support the causes I care about through reputable non - profit organizations . But I will go back to the bank next week for a small supply of C - notes and will keep them on hand . I will stay alert for opportunities to make a connection and , sometimes , that will include passing along a gift . After casting about for a plan befitting this momentous " last day " , I decided to head back to the place where it really all began : Fred Meyer ( see Day 2 : Not a Care in the World ) . That was the day I let the inner judgments start bubbling up to the surface and the first time I had a conversation with a giftee . I secretly hoped to see the woman from that day and find out how she was doing . A lot of the store employees were in costume ; I especially liked one wearing a clerical collar , long black robe and a gigantic cross around his neck . It was hard to tell the shoppers from the employees . I noticed one woman stocking a display of shoes ; she had a grim expression and her regular Fred Meyer duds on . I wandered around somewhat aimlessly for a while . I went over to check if any of my favorite bottles of wine were on sale . I stood for a long time studying the labels and promotions . There 's a deli and little seating area nearby , and I spotted a store employee sitting by herself . I considered going over to sit down , but she seemed to be pointedly ignoring my gaze . I had a good chuckle with myself imagining the woman thinking " Ooh , look at that lady . All she can think about is WINE . I hope she doesn 't come over here ! " I considered keeping the money as a way of prolonging the month of October indefinitely . I saw a young woman wearing slippers and almost followed her . An elderly woman went slowly and painfully by , leaning into her empty shopping cart . In the next aisle was a mother and young girl dressed convincingly as matching zombies , both their mouths painted into a long scar . I picked out one small item and headed for the checkout line . At the cash register was the grim young woman I had seen at the shoe display . There were two people in front of me and the line moved quickly . When my turn came I said hi and the woman said flatly , " Did you find everything okay this evening ? " " Oh , yeah , " I said , " But it 's only one o ' clock ! Have you been here for a really long time ? " I wasn 't winning her over . " You have an Advantage Card ? " As we finished the transaction I tried a few more times to get the woman to smile , or at least look at me . No luck . There was no one else around , and finally I kind of leaned in and said quietly , " Hey , I 'd like to give you something . " She glanced at me suspiciously , silent . I reached into my pocket , pulled out the $ 100 bill and held it out to her . " I can 't take that , " she said , grim as ever . " Why not ? " I wanted to know . " Store policy . I think . " " It 's not a tip . It 's a gift . " " I can 't take it . But thanks anyway . " She turned and walked away . It was unsettling . Maybe I really wasn 't meant to part with this last hundred . I set out across the parking lot toward home , the woman 's bad humor weighing on me . On the way I passed the bottle return and then spotted a Salvation Army donation trailer . A couple of cars were parked nearby . The drivers had gotten out of their cars and were handing items to a stocky middle - aged man . A bag of clothes and an old computer monitor disappeared into the dark trailer . After the cars took off I struck up a conversation with the guy . He told me he 'd been working for Salvation Army for about two months , first in the Happy Valley store and now here . He said he came from Cuba nine years ago and had originally lived in Miami and then Georgia . He still has family in Cuba as well as all over the world - he counted off children , sisters and brothers , and said his mom had died not too long ago . He 's all by himself here . I handed him the C - note . His eyes flew open , then he kissed the bill and started praying in Spanish . His eyes welled up with tears . He reached out to shake my hand then changed his mind and gave me a big hug . " My name is Carlos . Thank you . You have no idea what this means to me right now . " He said he works three days a week and gets paid $ 8 . 50 an hour ; it 's really not enough to get by and he was a hundred dollars short on his rent . Carlos thanked me again and encouraged me to come by sometime and say hello . He works Sunday , Monday and Tuesday . He let me take his picture , but wanted to put his Salvation Army cap on first . I was a couple of blocks from home , taking in the fact that I had given away the 31st hundred , when a man sitting on a low retaining wall stopped me . He had a tiny dog in his lap . " You know , I just don 't understand people sometimes . " He went on to tell me how a man had come by and started petting his dog . " This is a service dog . Everyone knows you can 't do that . You have to ask permission before you touch a dog ! " He took off the dog 's tiny blanket to show me that she was , indeed , a service dog wearing an official service dog uniform . The passerby had apparently apologized in what felt like a sarcastic manner and then cuffed the guy on the back of the head . It was a deeply offensive gesture . He said his name was Michael and introduced me to his dog , Baby . " You can pet her if you want . She 's a sweetheart . " Michael told me how his wife had died of ovarian cancer and now the dog is all he has . " I 've had seven heart attacks in five years . I 'm on the street . If she senses something is wrong , she licks my face and then I go to the hospital . " The dog has saved his life on four occasions . We talked for a while and then Michael looked at me hard . " I had to stop you , " he said , " because I just want to tell you that there is a purpose for everything . " I said goodbye and continued on my way home . I turned back to wave and he said , " Happy Halloween ! " A few things are clear : the month has been a great success ; I am thrilled ! One of my primary objectives has been fulfilled , and I feel much more … free . Free to smile at strangers , leave a generous tip , worry less about paying an extra 5 ¢ per gallon on gas , and hand out $ 100 bills ! I can 't thank my mother enough for the gift that has made this possible . As I went through my day today , I found myself doing some weird calculations in my head . Have I given to an equal amount of men and women ? Age ? What about older people ? I haven 't really given to anyone OLD . People of color ? Over - represented . I 'm okay with that . It felt like the week of Thanksgiving to judge from the crowds at the stores . People were a bit cranky . Kids in shopping carts were crying and begging . I saw a young boy of about two holding a little stuffed doll , whining at his mom , " Mama ! Take it off ! Take it off ! Mama ! Take it off ! " He was tugging pitifully at the price tag that was attached to the doll . His mom was selecting spices in the bulk aisle ; she turned and said to him , " No , honey . We 're not going to take it off , because we 're not buying that . We 're just borrowing it . " She turned back to her shopping just as the tag went flying . " I took it off , Mama . I took it off " , he said . After my grocery shopping I went over to Walgreen 's . All the stores seem to smell the same , and walking through the door provokes an avalanche of memories . I shopped there weekly for supplies during my mom 's last year , picking up the necessities then trolling the aisles for a treat that would make her smile or at least bring some light back to her eyes . Chocolate was always good , and she loved nuts until she started forgetting how to swallow . There was a steady stream of shoppers . Halloween candy and costume supplies were in high demand . I stopped to chat with a few people , but didn 't really connect . As I was walking out the door I saw a young woman rushing across the parking lot . She had a short skirt , seriously torn fishnet stockings and blood all over her neck and chest . Blue hair and a prim little blouse completed the look . She ran into the store and I followed her . " Looks like you 're in a hurry , " I said . " Yeah , " she agreed . " I have to be in Salem by 6 to set up for a party ! " She made a beeline for the costume supplies and grabbed a tube of fake blood . She didn 't seem to find it strange that I was following her and she kept up a friendly chatter . " A bunch of people are going to Eugene tonight . There might be a lot of traffic . " I stepped out of the store and waited for her to come out . " Look , I know you 're in a hurry , " I said when she appeared , " but I just need a minute of your time . I have something I want to give you . " . " Okay , " she said , slowing down . " My truck is over this way , " she pointed as we walked together . " What do you want to give me ? " She was tearing open the package of fake blood as she walked . " Why ? " she yelped . " For real ? This is for me ? " I didn 't want to make her late and gave an abbreviated version of my story . " You 're doing it every day ? Like a mitzvah ? " I said yeah , it was just like a mitzvah . She said her name was Karissa and reached out to give me a tearful hug . " Careful , " she said . " I don 't want to get blood all over you . " Then she jumped into her truck and pulled away , giving me a smile and a kind of shy wave . |
I 'm sorry for once again leaving you hanging . The last few days have been frustrating because we didn 't get the signature we were hoping for . Well , we didn 't get it today either . BUT , they are changing things up a bit for us . They are allowing us to have our adoption ceremony on Thursday and they will get the permission signature " later . " I 'm not exactly sure when later will be , but I am pretty sure that our adoption will be final once we have the ceremony . I * think * the signature is just permission to have the ceremony . . . . or at least that is what I am hoping . So , on Thursday at 10am , we will have our adoption ceremony in a small town about 5 hours from here . We will have to be up super early and go to the orphanage one last time to pick up our boy . Since it is so far away , they are allowing us to take him . Usually , a representative from the birth city travels here to pick up the child since they are still the responsible party for him . But I think they realized that it made little sense to drive 5 hours to pick him up just to drive back ( and gas is crazy expensive here ! ) when we are going anyway . It will be a packed car with 4 adults and 2 children , but we will manage . The man at the ministry said this big trip is just practice for the " main event " of our big travel home . I thought that was pretty cute . We will tell the orphanage caregivers tomorrow that we will be picking him up for the last time EARLY Thurs morning . On Wed , I plan to bring a cake and some juice boxes for the kids in his group . It will be sad seeing them for the last time . And I will bring his " gotcha day " clothes for the workers to dress him in on Thurs . I can 't wait for this part to be done so I can show off our boy . He and Vlado are so cute together and they NEED to be shown off ! : ) Little does he know that he only has 3 more nights and 2 more days in the only home he has ever known . He will be coming with us and will never be without a family again . Oh boy is his life about to change ! This picture is for my Burlington friends . Does this remind you of Church Street ? : ) We couldn 't believe they put up a cow just for us . lol I should have posted this yesterday , but I was too bummed . We found out the minister is not in town . . . . he is campaigning . It is an election year and elections are held on May 6th . So all the elected officials are doing their best to be re - elected . Because of this , we wait . We are once again praying that we get a signature on Monday . We had an interesting happening this morning . So far , whenever we pick little brother up from his room and little ones come out looking for loving . . . I pick them up and give them a hug . Today , when I did this , little brother threw a fit ! He was stamping his feet and grunting and giving me a look of , " How could you ? " And another little girl kept slapping Vlado ( not sure what that was about ! ) so we quickly left his floor for the 2nd floor playroom . Both boys know that the first thing we do when we get there is have a snack , and they both were ready as soon as we got there . Little brother is still using his signs and is now saying " juice " when he wants his juice box . We are making progress but it feels like there is so little we can do with him in that environment . We are ready to take him out of there for good ! I posted about yesterday . If you haven 't read it , scroll down and check it out ! It is pretty cool , if I say so myself ! Now on to our prayer request . We are waiting on a signature . How adoptions work here is a little different than some countries . On last Wed , we met our boy for the first time . This first visit was observed by the representatives from his birth city . That evening , they wrote a report about the visit and submitted it to the ministry . This past Monday , the director of the orphanage wrote her final report about our visits and that was submitted to the ministry . After that was done , a person in the ministry makes a report taking into account both reports they have received and this is forwarded to the Minister of adoption for his signature . This is where we are . We are just waiting . Elections are being held here on May 6th . Because the Minister of adoption is an elected post , he is not as his desk much because of election stuff ( campaigning maybe . . . I don 't understand that part ) We cannot have our adoption ceremony until we have that signature . We also have found out a bit of bad news ( at least for us ) . Tuesday and Wednesday are holidays here . . . . it is their Labor day and it is a 2 day holiday . Ok , now if the Minister signs tomorrow , is is possible ( although not probable ) that we will have our ceremony on Monday . If we don 't , the ceremony will be Thurs at the earliest . After the ceremony , we will get his birth certificate and apply for his passport . There is a 24 - 48 hour turnaround for the passport . . . . but these are working days . So , best case scenario is to have the ceremony on Monday and we may be able to get the passport on Thursday . If that happens , we might be able to schedule the medical for Thursday and still make it to the Embassy to apply for the visa . If we can do that , we could pick up the visa on Friday and fly out on Saturday . This is the absolute best case scenario . If even one little thing gets messed up , we could be here until 2 weeks from today . We really need prayer because Honey 's time off is only approved through May 6th . I am really trying to trust God with this . But , to be honest , with my emotions being so out of whack right now , it is very difficult . Please , please pray that we get that signature tomorrow and his social center is able to get things together to have the ceremony on Monday . Please , Lord , you know this need better than I do ! Last Wednesday , when we had our appointment at the Ministry of Adoption , we made sort of a passing request . We had thought about it quite a bit , but weren 't sure it would be possible . We asked if we could somehow arrange to go back to Vlado 's birth city and meet with his former social worker and psychologist . They knew Vlado back then and had seen him with us . We truly wanted them to see how far he has come . When we asked , we were assured that it would be no problem and they would contact the center in his city to set it up for us . Then he asked , " Do you want us to find out if the former foster mother would like to see you ? " I think my jaw dropped to the floor . This was more than we had even hoped for . We said that would be wonderful and so the ministry , after we requested the date , set up our reunion . I was a little nervous . I knew that Vlado would impress as usual . : ) But I guess I was afraid he might remember and be stressed , or the meeting might not accomplish what we hoped for . We wanted the people to see how amazing Vlado is and to maybe think twice about limiting a child 's ability based on perceived disability . I should not have worried ! I think everyone who works at the center was there . . . including the gentleman that drove the center workers around last time . ( He was hilarious , by the way ! ) Vlado 's former social worker , when we were here last , was a stern lady . She was so serious , but looking back , I guess she was just trying to make sure that we understood what we were getting ourselves into . LOL ! But yesterday , she had a smile a mile wide and couldn 't stop gaping at Vlado and cradling his face in her hands . She told us , through our interpreter , that she could not believe it . " This cannot be the same child ! " Everyone was shocked that he talks , uses to bathroom instead of a diaper , and that he is such a personable child . He went around shaking everyone 's hands and saying hello . I think he even said to a couple people , " Nice to meet you . " Then his former foster mother arrived and she had brought her two daughters . You should have seen the look on her face when she saw him . He did not seem to remember them at all and I 'm afraid that it might have hurt the older girl . We knew that it broke her heart when he came to live with us . All of us went upstairs , to the same room where we had his adoption ceremony . And once again , so many eyes were on our Vlado . He was adorable and pulled out all the stops showing off . He pulled out a book and read it to them and then proceeded to write words on a piece of paper ( spelling every one correctly by the way ! ) His foster mom took video of him so she could show her mother . We stayed and talked for an hour and a half . We were able to get email address of both the center and the foster mom . We also found out that she is on facebook and are going to keep in contact that way . We love that she can watch Vlado grow up . When we went outside , we were able to get some really good pictures of Vlado with his former foster family . Then we got one of our family and the foster family . I would share names , but I just don 't feel comfortable giving that information . But just so you can see for yourself , I am posting one picture . About 10 minutes into our morning visit , we were joined by a woman and a little boy . He was probably between 2 and 3 years old . I 'm not sure if she was his mother or what . . . . she certainly wasn 't a volunteer . ( We have seen several volunteers with children and they are amazing with the kids ! ) The first thing I noticed about little " Alex " was two huge red scratches down the side of his cheek and his tear filled eyes . I was rather close to them because I was trying to move our stuff to give them some room on the small couch . I noticed that he seemed to be watching her and , to be totally honest , seemed like he didn 't want anything to do with her . She sat him on the couch and presented him with a gift bag that had a stuffed animal , some snack foods and a juice . She pulled all these things out and put them beside him and then proceeded to text on her phone for the next 30 minutes or so . I glanced at him every so often and offered him small smiles . I can tell you that I have never seen a child filled with so much sorrow . He was by far the saddest child I have ever seen . Honey even commented to me as we left the institution , " Did you notice how sad that little boy was ? " I don 't think I can adequately describe what I saw today . When he was done eating , she got him down and pulled out some toys for him to play with . He only had eyes for our firetruck ( which most every child that has seen it has been drawn to it ) . She yanked it out of his hand and scolded him which immediately wiped all traces of a smile that had been there moments earlier when he had picked up the truck . I felt so bad for this little boy . I don 't know if the red scratches had been done by another child or by himself . But he had no joy in this time away from his group . The 2nd story I have is a bit different . " Nick " is probably about 5 and he lives on our little boy 's floor , in the room next to our son 's . As we were picking up little brother for our afternoon visit , we saw one of the volunteers coming for Nick . We saw this same pair yesterday during our afternoon visit and it was a pleasure to see this volunteer again . You seen , Nick is autistic and this particular volunteer is wonderful with him . He has given himself heart and soul to Nick and refers to himself as Nick 's older brother . We got to the playroom at about the same time and it was nice to hear ( in English ) " Can we play with you ? " The six of us played together for nearly 2 hours . Nick was willing to come over to us and try to play with our puzzles and watch our nook . . . and our boys were very good about sharing with him . Everyone here LOVES my nook tablet and are amazed at everything that I have on it ! This wonderful volunteer ( let 's call him Barry ) played with Vlado and was shocked to learn that Vlado was adopted from here 17 months ago and that he didn 't speak when he came to us . ( Vlado does not stop talking now ! If you know him in person , you are probably giggling at my huge understatement ! ) When Vlado pulled a book out of the backpack today , we read it together . I would read a page and then Vlado read one . Barry was dumbfounded that Vlado was reading . He was also surprised to see little brother sitting quietly snuggled into Honey listening to a book on my nook . What I forgot to tell you is that on day 2 . . . . remember the awful visit ? Barry was there . He is the one who carried little brother back inside and took him back to his room . He witnessed the horrible fit and my not so composed reaction to it . Don 't worry , I was able to hold back the tears until the elevator closed . But when he came back downstairs and told us to wait for a few minutes before we went back up , he saw my not so pretty crying self . So , Barry saw what it was like at first , and he is seeing what is developing between us . I think that is a good thinPosted by Our visits are kind of starting to run together . It 's always the same routine . We ride up to the 3rd floor . We go to his room and find him . . . sometimes the door is open , sometimes not . We get his jacket in case we want to go to the playground ( we didn 't go this morning because we wanted to avoid the bus to school ) . We get in the elevator and go to the 2nd floor playroom . The boys have a snack and a juice box and then we play . Two hours go by and then it 's time to put our shoes back on and go back to the elevator and then to his room . He is beginning to hate getting his shoes back on . : ( This morning the adorable baby with ds was in the playroom again today but this time with an older gentleman . I was happy to see that he was loving up on the baby too ! : ) We played for a while and I had pulled out my nook tablet to show one of the nurses a picture . Something about the nook caught little brother 's interest . He and Vlado tried to play with it for a while , but eventually gave up because they couldn 't get to anything interesting . I was excited to see a little girl I recognized today . She is a cutie patootie who is maybe 5 or so . I * think * she has CP but she is quite a livewire . Her legs are affected and she can 't walk , but she hops on her knees to get where she wants to go . And she is FAST ! She kept hopping over to us in the playroom but never got really close except to Vlado . She tried to pull his glasses off . Speaking of glasses , we think that our new boy might need to get his eyes checked . He quite often squints when he 's looking at something like he can 't get his eyes to focus . Today , I put my glasses on him ( they are relatively weak . . . just for a slight astigmatism ) and he was amazed . At first , he pulled them down to look over them and then back up to look through them . He did this a few times and then put them right on his face and didn 't try to take them off again . It was almost like they helped him see better . It 's good to know that he won 't mess with them if he does indeed have to get glasses . I got a little video today of our new boy signing more please . . . . so adorable ! He is learning already . He knows what I mean when I say wait . He understands who Daddy is . And tonight , he figured out how to work my nook . . . . at least somewhat . Honey had the nook on his lap and had pulled up a " read to me " book . Our little guy figured out how to drag his finger across it to flip to the next page . At the beginning of the book , there are 3 buttons . . . . read to me , read myself , and read and record . Honey had hit the read myself button and our little guy didn 't take any time to figure out that something was wrong . . . it wasn 't reading to him . So , he flipped back to the beginning and pressed the read to me button . His smile was a mile wide because he had fixed it . I got some cute video of him cuddled up to Honey playing with the nook . I will post those kinds of things once we have the adoption ceremony . These are a yummy treat I found at the store . Each one is about 1 inch square . I 'm not sure what to call them . . . bon bons maybe . Vlado calls them little cupcakes . We got these at the grocery store deli thinking they were onion rings . When we got them back and heated them up , we learned they were some sort of fried seafood . . . . calamari or octopus maybe . It was still pretty yummy ! This is what we had for dinner tonight . I highly recommend it for anyone coming here and staying in an apartment with a microwave . It was quite delicious and was plenty for 2 adults . . . Vlado ate a hot dog . I made meat balls with some ground meat ( I think it was a mixture of beef and pork ) and a seasoning packet ( like shake and bake ) for chicken . It was amazing ! And the spaghetti cooks in the microwave in 3 min and the pasta was cooked perfectly . . . . it was pretty cheap at only about $ 3 . I debated whether to post this story or not . But I think I need to get it out . It is eating me up inside . Back in Nov 2010 when we adopted Vlado , we were given the opportunity to take a tour of the orphanage where he had spent his first 4 years . I was nervous . I had heard so many stories and my heart didn 't want to see the reality . We visited so many rooms and each had children that were aching for a little affection . There were little ones on beds that seemed to be unable to get up on their own . Without permission , I picked up several and just held them close , willing them to feel at least a little comfort for a few minutes . This happened in room after room . At last , we were taken to the 3rd floor . . . . where Vlado had been before he went into foster care . We were able to go to his room and meet one of his former caregivers . The kids swarmed around these new adults . I went out into the hallway but Honey stayed in the room for a minute longer . A little girl , maybe 6 or 7 years old with ds , came up to Honey and put her arms up . He happily picked her up and rubbed her back and she looked at him . He put her down and was getting ready to walk away as a little boy ran up to him and his arms went up . Honey bent down and scooped up this little guy and they looked into each other 's eyes . Honey said that he had the overwhelming desire to walk out the front door with this little boy in his arms . Something spoke to both of them during that moment . And Honey could not forget it . Fast forward to this trip . We had our first visit on Wed but it was terribly short . On Thursday morning , we had our 2nd visit . As we were standing in the hallway waiting for a diaper change , a little boy ran out into the hallway . He brushed by me , Vlado , the other caregiver , social worker and doctor . He had his eyes on Honey and Honey alone . He wrapped his arms around Honey 's legs and was jabbering away . Honey bent down and picked him up and when I met his eyes , they were wide in surprise . It was the same little boy that had latched onto Honey last trip . APosted by Today was a good day . Our little boy was not as open today and I think there might a couple reasons why . First of all , I think he was really hungry today . We bring snacks everyday . Vlado is used to having a mid morning and mid afternoon snack too . We usually have some sort of fruit , mostly a banana or orange . Yesterday , I brought a sandwich and both boys had half . I gave it closer to the beginning of our visit so that it wouldn 't mess with his appetite for lunch . We started off our day on the playground for about 45 minutes or so . Of course , today was the day that I forgot my camera . The boys were incredibly cute together . Our new boy took a bucket loader tractor out of the sandbox and was rolling it around the courtyard . When we first got there , we had noticed a woman sweeping the area and putting the " dirt " into piles . It wasn 't actually much dirt but stuff that had fallen from the trees . The boys found these piles and decided to play with the truck . One boy would hold the truck and the other would use the bucket to scoop up a load . Then they would switch . It was quite cute . But both boys like order , so they didn 't mess up the piles . I think the piles were more together more after they were done . Several times , " little brother " tried to get to the backpack but he is learning what " wait " means . He doesn 't like it , but he 's learning . When we told the boys it was time to go in , he started throwing a fit ( like the one on our 2nd visit ) . We didn 't let him control the situation . He dropped to the ground so we just let his hands go and looked at him . Eventually he stood up still squawking . Honey held up the backpack and he seemed to understand what that meant . As we were going to the play room , I noticed a woman had just mopped . So , we all took our shoes off so as not to ruin her mopping job . I think I did the wrong thing because she seemed to admonish me . I hope she wasn 't saying we couldn 't go to the play room because we did anyway . First thing , he grabbed for the backpack . Honey told him to wait . I washed Vlado 's hands first and I think " little brother " thought he wasn 't going to get snack because he started yelling again . When I finished with Vlado , I motioned for him to come over . His smile returned and he gladly let me wash his hands . When I brought out the snack bag , he started reaching his hands to me . I let him have half a sandwich and he gobbled it up . I took out a juice box and he drained it like he was dying of thirst . When he was finished , he tried to get to the orange that was in the bag too . He wasn 't happy that I didn 't let him have it . He kept trying to get to it for the rest of the visit . His eye contact was less than yesterday ( I wonder if he scared himself by opening up so much yesterday ) But he did play ball with Honey and Vlado for quite a while . About 1 / 2 hour before it was time to go , he found a bag with those peanut snack things . He brought it to me . I gave one and then showed him the sign for please . He quickly imitated me to get another . Then I added the sign for more . And he did that . I said , " more please ? " and he signed both together ! He seemed quite proud of himself because Honey and I were praising him . Even Vlado shouted , " Bravo ! " from the other side of the room . All too soon , it was time to go back to his room . As soon as he saw that we were putting shoes on , he started getting upset . We got on the elevator and started going up and he dropped himself to the floor . He was at least hoping we were going back outside . The caregiver met us and told him to go out onto the terrace . We went downstairs and we could hear him screaming . We went out to the gate and Honey looked up . Our little boy was standing on the terrace looking down with his arm reached toward us . It is heartbreaking to know that he is so upset , but at the same time , it is good that he is wanting to be with us . Poor baby was still yelling when we left . : ( I promise I will show you his face eventually . : ) Right before this picture clicked , he was resting back into my legs . A moment later , he had his arm resting there too . Today was phenomenal in so many ways . Honey and I were both a bit anxious for today 's visit . We have been so discouraged by the lack of eye contact ( I know it is normal , but it is still hard ! ) and his overall behavior around us . . . . he acted like we weren 't there most of the time . Today things started to change a bit . When we first got there , we were happy to see our favorite caregiver was there . She is the one who lets us go down to the 2nd floor playroom . She called his name and he came out in the hallway to see what she wanted . He caught a glimpse of us and practically climbed over her to get to us . After being given a few games , we were off to the playroom . I grabbed one of the buys bees from he other playroom and he was so happy to be able to play with it . He and Vlado played together for quite a while , helping each other get the beads from one place to another . At one point , Honey threw a ball and it landed in " little brother 's " lap . I told him to throw the ball back to Daddy , and HE DID ! I 'm sure it might have been a fluke , but he looked straight at Honey and threw the ball . That was our morning visit . . . . playing with the busy bee , looking at books together , throwing the ball , and slowly starting to look at us . : ) It is still on his terms , of course , but it is happening . Our evening visit was good too . When we got to his floor , all the kids were sitting playing with small toys . He didn 't even look for approval . He just jumped up and headed toward the door . The worker had us wait for a minute so he could get shoes on , but he was ready to go . Vlado even let him push the button on the elevator for the 2nd floor . : ) We went back into the playroom and the boys commenced taking every toy off the shelves . Every time we have gone down there , we walk past a room that is filled with kids who are non - ambulatory . I told Honey I would be right back and I took a chance . I went to that room and asked the worker if I could go in . She was busy feeding one of the children ( I won 't describe that ) but told me yes . I was able to love up on about 5 little ones who were the size of 2 - 3 year olds . But these were not 2 - 3 year old children . They all had their permanent front teeth so I am guessing at least 8 - 9 year olds . One darling little girl was terrified of me at first . She was lying in a crib and I just put my hand on her chest . She started to whimper so I talked to her very quietly . One little boy who was on the floor held my hand so tightly . He was babbling to me telling me quite the story . : ) All too quickly , it was time to go . I was here to spend time with our future son , but I just needed to give these other children a little time . When I got back to the playroom , there was a family in there with Honey and our boys . They were feeding their baby a bottle and the mother was singing to him . I couldn 't take my eyes off them . Their little boy has ds . But it could not have been more obvious the love that these parents have for their baby boy . They were in the playroom with the entire 2 hour visit . They sang to him , played with him , cuddled him , fed him a bottle and later a jar of baby food . They were just loving their child . I 'm absolutely sure that they would care for him at home if they thought they could . . . . if they thought that their child would be accepted like other children . I saw today , first hand , that parents who relinquish their children to orphanages do so with heavy hearts . It broke my heart thinking of how she felt when she took him back to his room . : ( This is the first coloring page of our new son . I can 't wait to post pictures of him ! I 'm sure some of my RR friends will recognize him ! : ) My brain won 't give me a better title for today . We were a little anxious going into today 's visit . We know that he is used to going to school every morning and we are told that he loves going . So , we were nervous that he was going to get very angry again . When we first reached his room , the door was closed and the kids were all sitting in chairs . I think the caregiver was reading a book . He saw us and I waved . He jumped up and headed for the door . He knows we are there to get him . I 'm not saying that he is bonding to us yet . I think that he just likes leaving his group when the others have to stay . We were back in the partitioned area again today . He kept looking in my backpack but when I told him " not yet " when he found food , he did pretty good at putting it back . He seems to understand when I say " wait " and he might grunt at me , but that 's it . A few times today , he grabbed for his jacket and pointed to the door . I heard him say " bus " or something similar to that several times . He knew it was time to go to school . We told him no and he started getting worked up . We tried an experiment ( the same one we tried with Vlado ) and ignored the fit . Honey and I just looked at each other and not at him . I think he is used to getting what he wants when he screams . The fit wasn 't long and he seemed confused that we weren 't getting upset . I at least was able to keep my anxiety off my face . He still stomped his foot and grunted and pointed to the door . But he only threw himself to the floor once . And I didn 't get head butted ! ! : ) We had a meeting today with one of the teachers from his school . She told us that he behaves well at school but that wasn 't the case when he first started in September . It took many months for him to talk to them or even look at them . He also didn 't respond to them when they called his name . ( sound familiar ? ) They also brought up the fact that he tends to have several characteristics of a child on the autism spectrum . I was surprised that this was brought up because he has not been diagnosed as such . VlaPosted by We went back this afternoon . He was all smiles when he came out of his room to see us . I think he just thinks it 's cool that he gets to leave the room when all the other kids were sitting on their beds . He started by plucking up some courage and looking in our backpack . At the morning visit , we had brought a banana and some snack things that look like cheese doodles but smell ( and taste , I assume ) like peanut butter . He is very motivated by food and I think he was looking to see if we had any . I did . . . . but I had it hidden in a side pocket . : ) When he didn 't find food , he decided that a book he found might be interesting . He only had a minute to look at it though , before the worker told us that she was taking us down to the 2nd floor to a playroom . * He lives on the 3rd floor and we have been playing in a small area at the end of the hall that is partitioned off . He did pretty well in the playroom although when one of us tried to get closer to him , he would move away . Eventually , I got to the point where he let me sit and play with him . One of the toys was a castle type thing that had 4 holes on the top that had colored rings . If he dropped a ball into one of the holes , it would bounce through the toy and pop out a door at the bottom . I started saying the color names and pointing to them . After repeating maybe 10 times , I tried saying a color to see what he would do . He really tried to get the matching hole and really started getting it ( just before he got bored with it ) . The play room that was beside the one we were in had a bunch of busy bee toys in it . He REALLY wanted to play with those and I was afraid he would melt down when told no . He did whine and stamped his foot a few times . He kept grabbing Honey 's hand trying to drag him there , but we managed to curtail any fits . Whew ! When it was time to go back to his room , he seemed antsy , but I just assumed it was because we walked past the busy bee room and didn 't go in . We got back to his floor and his caregiver took his hand and told him to go back to the room . He didn 't show any problem with this until he got to the door . He looked back at us and started crying . The worker said , " I 'm sorry . He is just so sad . " I don 't really know how to take that . I really hope that he was sad that he was leaving us , but I just don 't know . I guess we will see tomorrow morning if he is happy to see us again . I will end up at least getting some scenery pics up here soon . It has rained every day since we 've been here so I haven 't taken any pictures of our surroundings . I 'm not supposed to have any pics of our boy either . ; ) Although it looks like eye contact , it wasn 't . My camera was down and he looked at it so I snapped a picture . Doesn 't he look so tired ? Today 's morning visit went about as well as the 2nd visit we had with Vlado back in 2010 . I didn 't even blog about that day because I didn 't want to remember it . But now , I 'm wishing I would have so I could remember how I felt . I guess I don 't really need that though because I 'm feeling it again now . The first part of our visit was good . Vlado and " little brother " put puzzles together and worked really well together . I was impressed that he knows how to work puzzles almost as well as Vlado . We still couldn 't get eye contact and he seemed irritated when we tried to have him put his head up . We heard lots of humming and some other stimming noises , and some grunts when a puzzle piece didn 't fit . But it was overall ok . Then they had us go outside to the playground area . At first everything was good . He wandered all over playing with different outside toys . Honey pushed him on the swing some . And they passed a ball back and forth a couple times . Then it happened . The bus that takes the kids to school pulled into the driveway . He LOVES school from what we 've been told . When one of the ladies told him that he wasn 't going to school today , he LOST IT ! He screamed , went limp and threw himself to the ground . When I picked him up , he slammed his head backward and head butted me . . . I have quite the lump on my forehead . Nobody could calm him down . And trust me , several people tried . I just stood there feeling completely helpless . They took him upstairs and had us wait for a few minutes . When he saw us again , he started stimming and rocking from foot to foot . We were told that when his routine gets interrupted , he reacts like this . I am beginning to suspect he might be on the autism spectrum . Most of the time ( even when he is doing what he wants to do ) he seems to be in his own world . When he looked at me today , he seemed to look through me . Pray for us ! We have another visit this afternoon that I pray goes better . He is so fearful of anything new . And when he doesn 't want to go somewhere , he is practically impossible to move . He is a strong child ! Today was the day . We had the meeting at the ministry first which took longer than it should have . The officials from his town ( which is 400km away ) were late . They told us about his birth parents and we found out that he doesn 't have any full siblings . He has several half siblings on his father 's side , but they are all adults . They told us his medical stuff which was pretty typical . He is going to a " special school " which I can only assume means a school for kids with special needs . Then it was time to go to the orphanage . It was a strange sensation waiting out in the hallway . Since Vlado wasn 't in an orphanage when we met him , that was new . They brought him out of his room and he was all smiles . I think he thought it was cool that he got to leave his room during what looked like a rest time . We went into a little area that was partitioned off . There was a little table and chairs , and a bookshelf with books and some toys . It didn 't seem that he was used to being in that area . They gave us a bag that had some games and puzzles that he is familiar with . But he was more interested in the firetruck that we took out of the backpack . He didn 't want to share with Daddy but Mama was able to get it from him to show him how to roll it . I made noises of the firetruck but couldn 't get him to imitate me but he did laugh . He did not want to look at us much . . . it 's probably safer for his heart to not really look at us . He doesn 't really understand the whole thing since he has lived his whole life in this institution . This boys LOVES to be tickled . I was able to get him to look at me as the " tickle monster " was " attacking . " He linked his fingers in mine ( to pretend to stop me from tickling ) and looked into my eyes . I leaned toward him and he came closer to my face and we touched nose to nose for a millisecond . He 's a sweetie ! He has dark hair and one of the orphanage workers said he looks like me . Funny since Vlado is Honey 's mini me . We only got to spend about 20 minutes with him . We are supposed to go back tomorrow from 9 - 11 in Posted by After seeing the inside of 4 airports and 3 airplanes , we have finally arrived at our destination . The second flight today was brutal . . . . it seemed to never end ! And then the third flight , there was a screaming toddler for the entire 1 . 5 hours . I don 't think I 've ever been so happy to have a plane land . : ) I wasn 't able to sleep this time on the flights so by the time we got here , I had a full blown migraine . But a good old Relpax tablet and 4 hours of sleep and it is gone , praise the Lord ! I do have a really sweet thing happen on the 8 hour flight . Vlado actually fell asleep in my arms with his head against my chest . He has NEVER done that before . He only slept for about an hour , but it was sweet to have him there . I think that was the only time that he really slept , and he still has more energy than Honey and I combined . Our meeting is tomorrow at noon ( 6am eastern time ) and then we will get to meet our little guy after that . This Mama is gonna get some more sleep now . Honey and I have both had MANY people ask the same question over the last few days . So , I 'm thinking there are others that have the same question . The question is this . Do you think Vlado will be scared going back to the orphanage ? First of all , let me assure you that Honey and I have thought long and hard about this . We are completely aware that the first couple days might be very scary and anxiety provoking for our little man . He did live in the orphanage for the first 4 years of his life . He was in foster care for 2 years before we met him and took him to live with us . Even though he had been away from the orphanage for 2 years , we know that he remembered at least some of it by his reaction when we went to visit the orphanage during our last week there . He was clingy and a little withdrawn while we were there , but he seemed to relax relatively quickly when we left . We feel that , even if he is nervous at first , this experience will end up strengthening his bond to us . We will go to the orphanage to visit little brother , but at the end of the visit , all three of us will go back to our apartment together . I think it will become even more clear to him ( over the first few days especially ) that we are a family and we are " stuck " together . . . . and we aren 't going to leave him . I 'm sure he will need a lot of extra holding and snuggles during this time . He might regress a little or a lot . We truly are prepared . We have been talking to him for a while about this trip . I hope he understands , but if he doesn 't . . . . he will get it soon . He 's a pretty smart kiddo ! We are 36 hours or so from takeoff ! Last July 4th , our family traveled to New York for a camping trip . This wasn 't your normal hang out around the camp fire toasting marshmallows kind of trip although we did do that . This was the first ever Reece 's Rainbow family reunion . I was so excited to finally meet these people whose blogs I had stalked over the years . : ) These were families who had stepped forward to claim their children that were born across the ocean and had been abandoned and forgotten . One of the families that I met was the Spitz family . Their story is a little complicated but it is an amazing one ! If you go here you can read their unbelievable journey ! They have completed two international adoptions in less than 2 years and are working on a 3rd . They are an incredible family and they need help to bring home their angel girl . I remember Summer hugging me when we met . . . it was like she had known me forever . She has this way about her . She has loved Lilianna for two years and the whole family can 't wait to get her home so she can learn what being loved and cherished is all about . Please help ! Can you give up a meal at McDonalds ? Or a Starbucks coffee ? Believe it or not , $ 5 is HUGE ! If you can 't give , share ! This giveaway ends today . . . . . which , by the way is Summer 's birthday ! Help us blow her away ! I can 't believe it is this close ! In less than 72 hours , we will be leaving our house for the last time as a family of 3 . At this time in 3 days , we will be sitting on our first plane ( I 'm assuming we will be boarding ) waiting for the plane to take off at 11 : 20 . To be honest , I haven 't even taken our suitcases out of the closet . I started a list of things to bring the other day , and we do have a box with a bunch of random things we have thought of . I have the rest of our paperwork that we have to bring in a folder on the counter . I worked the last 2 days so I haven 't had time to do the gazillion things that I need to do . Today , I had a meeting at the school to discuss summer school . It really isn 't a question with us . Vlado LOVES learning , so if they offer additional school , we are happy with that . Last summer , summer school was amazing for him . So , I 'm really excited to see how he progresses this year . We 're still trying to figure out what to do as far as schooling with our new little one . I guess time will tell . Now . . . . for some entertainment . This video was taken at school the other day with Vlado and his ELL teacher . They did an essay together and then he read it . You have to remember , this is a child that was not speaking 17 months ago and we were told that he would never learn or even be able to go to school . They could not have been more wrong ! p . s . Our boy 's name is not Viktor yet , but that is what we are going to change his name to . I can 't tell you his name yet . And we are not staying in the Holiday Inn . . . . I have no idea where that came from . He has become obsessed with the Holiday Inn and Applebees lately . LOL ! Quite often when I go downstairs to our basement to light a fire ( we have a wood stove that provides most of our house 's heat ) , Vlado goes with me . He doesn 't get to go into the basement much so I think he likes to take every opportunity to go with me . Since our stove is there , we have quite a bit of wood down there as well . And , as I 'm sure you can guess , there is quite a bit of wood shavings and other various " wood dirt " on the floor . Vlado is still very much a neat freak . When he is downstairs with me , he uses his foot to sweep up the small wood chips into little piles . Tonight , I handed him a little broom / dustpan set . . . little as in about 4 inches . He squealed because he was so excited . He proceeded to go around the basement floor sweeping dirt up into little piles and then into the dustpan . He found a small box to dump it into . With every pile , he would smile and say , " See ! Clean the floor ! " I watched him sweep the floor with that tiny broom for a half an hour . Since it took hand / eye coordination to get the dirt up into the dustpan and also the squatting down surely helped his leg muscles . . . . . it is therapy , right ? ? Otherwise , I think it might be counted as cruel and unusual punishment . I mean , what mother has her son sweep the floor with a 4 inch broom ? : ) There have been so many things happening in the background of this blog . What I mean by that is there has been some activity happening in our home that I have been quite silent about . I 'm not exactly sure why I chose to keep it all a secret . It is actually amazing news and something I should be shouting from the roof tops . But , I allowed myself to be scared by what others might think about our news . I know with 100 % certainty that this is what we are being called to do . Still , there are some that might not like it . But I am going to yell it anyway ! WE ARE ADOPTING AGAIN ! ! ! In fact , we leave in just a few short days . . . . one week in fact ! We will be adding a little brother to our family . I truly wanted a girl this time . We received the information on little brother and I fought it ! There were so many things that I told God during the week or so after we received the referral . " God , you know I wanted a girl . You know I wanted a YOUNGER girl ! I DO NOT WANT THIS ! " I 'm sure He just smiled and I 'm sure I heard His voice . " You might not want it , but this is what I want for you ! " So we decided to go for it . Little brother is just 8 months younger than Vlado and in reality , he is not " little . " I mean , he is a little boy , but he is bigger than Vlado . Little brother is currently living in an orphanage . . . . . the very same orphanage that Vlado lived in before he went into foster care in his country . My boys actually lived there at the same time as infants and toddlers . In this Mama 's heart , I can see them in their cribs side by side . I can picture them on the floor playing with blocks as small toddlers ( although I 'm not sure that happens ) I know it is possible that they were never together in the same room , but still I think about it . We are bringing Vlado with us on this adventure ! I worried about taking him out of school for 3 weeks , but this is a very important event in our family . We are blessed that one of those weeks is a school vacation , so he will only miss 2 weeks of school . He is excited to be getting a brother although I don 't think he knows why he is excited . He is the same excited as a toddler who knows that there is a baby in Mommy 's belly that is going to come to live with them . But that same toddler doesn 't truly understand until Mommy comes home from the hospital with a bundle in a blanket . Sharing his home and parents is good in theory , right ? The actuality of it might take some getting used to . : ) But still we can 't wait to go ! Are you ready to take another adoption ride with us ? ? I am a 30 something Mama . My Hubby and I brought our 6 year old son home from Eastern Europe in Dec 2010 . We went back to the same country and added a little brother to the mix in 2012 . Prayerfully , we will return once more to add one more sibling . We live on 10 acres in New England and I enjoy trying to be a pioneer woman . : ) |
I have to vent . I 'm tired . I 'm tired of not getting answers . I 'm tired of people not caring . I 'm tired of my poor daughter being in pain . I 'm tired of the medical field not doing anything to change this . What do I need to do ? With whom do I need to talk ? I will not give up . I will find a way to help her get better . Tonight my friend and neighbor stopped by to give me a gift . I also babysit for her two days a week . She is a nurse at the hospital Phebe was in this last week . She worked Thursday and would stop by Phebe 's room to check on her , and then would text me to let me know how Phebe was doing . Adrienne is an absolute angel . She knew I couldn 't get up to see Phebe so she wanted to keep me informed . After she left this evening Phebe said , " I know dat voice . She da nice lady . " I said , " Yes , Adrienne IS very nice . We love her . " Phebe replied , " She da only one who nice to me when you not there in hopital . " My daughter has the mind of a 2 year old . Yes , she is in the body of an 18 year old , but that doesn 't change the fact that her mind isn 't . Can someone please explain to me why you wouldn 't treat her kindly ? Three of the four days she was there she couldn 't even lift her head . It wasn 't until the last day that she was able to sit up and start talking again . So why not just treat her kindly ? She wasn 't hurting anyone . She wasn 't being abusive . She wasn 't swearing or throwing things . She just had a hard time moving and couldn 't talk clearly . She has been in pain for months . Her blood clots very strangely . Her tongue looks like white fur . She is now getting blisters all over her body for the second time . These blisters are huge and VERY painful . She can only swallow liquids and struggles with that . Sometimes when her skin gets wet it falls off . If she has a cut on her body it won 't heal or it takes months to heal . The doctors tell me there 's nothing wrong with her . It 's all in her head . The last time she was covered with blisters the doctor told me she was burning herself . ReallyPosted by I was recently given the opportunity to review Heaven is for Real for Kids . This is a very good book . I had already read the adult version and couldn 't wait to get my hands on this one . This book is written as if little Colton is telling the story . He is very clear and excited about what he remembers from his visit to heaven . I wanted this book for my daughter . She is 18 years old but has regressed back to a small child . Heaven and God really fascinate her right now so when I showed her this book she was thrilled . I read it to her and all throughout the book she would point things out or ask a question . She learned many new things from this book . At the end of the book there is a FAQ section that answered a lot of her questions . I personally loved the art work in the book , but she didn 't care for it . She said she would rather see things drawn more clearly . I also loved the book … probably just as much as my daughter . As a mother I think it is very important to show our children how wonderful heaven will be . So many times my children have said that heaven sounds boring and they aren 't sure they will enjoy it once they get there . After reading this book I highly doubt that will be the case ! I received a copy of " Heaven is for Real for Kids " from Booksneeze . com Today I will write about something that many people will attempt to judge . I really truly couldn 't care less . Judge away my friends … oh wait … If you 're judging you are no friend of mine ! I am sooooooooooooooo proud of my son Abner . I MUST tell as many people as possible . He has always had a special place in my heart . I had decided to abort him when I found out I was pregnant with him , but at the last minute changed my mind . He is the first person I have ever met that is a blood relative of mine . He is not perfect by any stretch of the imagination . In fact , he causes me to sigh and holler many times throughout the day . He also has made me laugh every day since he has been born . He is only 12 years old , but he has saved the lives of 3 different people as of today . So often I hear people ask what their purpose in life might be . This is a question Abner will never need to ask himself ! So this is where you will really have an opportunity to judge … ready ? When Abner was a baby I went through a very deep depression . I was so depressed I couldn 't think of a single solitary reason in the world to live any longer . I planned how I would end my life many times . When he was barely 2 I had decided that day was the last day I would be on this earth . I put him and his 8 year old sister to bed . I waited until about 3 o ' clock in the morning and I went to the kitchen and found one of my favorite bowls . I then went and got every pill in the house . I poured those pills quietly into the bowl . Then I went and filled a glass full of ice water . I walked down the hall and checked to make sure both kids were still sound asleep . . . they were . I then went to the kitchen and told myself this was the best thing for everyone . I took a handful of pills and grabbed the water . I then heard a sound behind me . It was Abner . He said , " Momma what doing ? " I said , " Nothing Honey … why are you up ? You are supposed to be sleeping . Come on , let momma tuck you back into your bed . " He said , " Momma , I not gonna sleep in my bed … I sleep in mommPosted by Outside my window … is a beautiful quiet darkness . I am thinking … that heaven seems sweeter and sweeter each day . I am thankful . . . for the Indian summer we 've been enjoying . From the kitchen . . . was homemade split pea soup and yeast rolls . I am wearing . . . a heavy heart . I am remembering . . . what my dad 's voice sounded like . I am going . . . to visit my dad in the hospital tomorrow . He just suffered a stroke . I am praying … my younger siblings as they hold down the fort . On my mind … is how I wish I would have called my dad Saturday . I am hearing . . . the whirl of the fan in the window . Around the house . . . are lots of pieces of Cheerios . Noticing that … . I love my life ! Pondering these words … " I love you more " One of my favorite things . . . the beautiful colors God gives us in the fall . A picture thought … I received this card in the mail from my dad 2 days before his stroke . It 's probably the last thing he wrote me in his old handwriting . Posted by Before reading One Call Away I must admit that I had never heard of Brenda Warner . Now that I have read the book I 'm happy to say that I feel that I 've gotten to know her and am quite happy about that . What a wonderful example for any Christian lady to follow . She wasn 't perfect , but she sure was faithful . I started reading this book thinking about how much I wish I would have picked a different book to read . After reading for about 30 seconds I had a complete change of mind . I could not put the book down . I read when I should have been working , cooking , cleaning , and even sleeping . Brenda Warner had quite an eventful life … more often bad than good . She starts off by explaining her life from childhood . There were many times while reading about this time of her life that I had to wipe away tears . The book goes into her adult life and my tears continued to slide down my face . It was amazing to watch her as she stayed the course no matter what life threw at her . Let me say here that life wasn 't kind in its throwing . Brenda really had me evaluating how I responded to hardships and hurts in my life . I wish I could say that I was as faithful and strong as she was , but sadly I have not been . If you have ever struggled with forgiveness , pre - marital sex , abuse , financial woes , divorce , what you believe , betrayal , or loss . This book is the book for you . Brenda wasn 't perfect in all of her choices , but no one is . She was very honest in how she lived her life … right or wrong . I have to admit that I didn 't enjoy the book as much after she became a millionaire . Maybe it was just a jealous streak in me , but it was difficult for me to hear her complain about having too much money . Even though life hasn 't always been easy for me I feel like it 's been a cake walk when compared to Brenda Warner . I hope that after reading this book I 'll be more thankful for what I have and encouraged to be a faithful Christian no matter how difficult life gets . I received a copy of " One Call Away " from Booksneeze . com Posted by Outside my window … it 's dark but warm . The lawn is freshly cut by my sick hubby ( poor guy ) . I am thinking … that it 's not fair that when I got sick the rest of the family got sick . When do I get to get babied ? ; o ) I am thankful . . . that my hubby and I are on the mend from this silly cold . From the kitchen . . . was homemade chicken noodle soup . I 'm sure that 's what cured us ! Well , that and the 5 million vitamin C tablets my hubby had us take . I am wearing . . . an achiness in my bones as well as my spirit . I am remembering . . . that I am here to bring honor and glory to Him . I am going . . . to lose it if things don 't start turning around for my daughter . I am praying … for so many hurts of sweet people that I love . On my mind … is how much longer before my family can enjoy an abundant life . Not financially mind you , but the abundant life in John 10 : 10 . I am reading : A Cry for Justice : Overcome anger , reject bitterness and trust in JESUS who will fight for you . By : Shelly HundlyI am hearing . . . a television show that Jesse and Abner are watching , and Asher pretending to be a truck . Around the house . . . are my favorite decorations … FALL ! Noticing that … . they weren 't lying when they said it was more difficult to lose weight after 40 . Pondering these words … You is good … you is kind … you is important . One of my favorite things . . . is seeing Asher smile at me when he knows he 's being naughty . A picture thought … Photo shoot with Asher : o ) Phebe LOVES to take pictures ! ! ! Tuckered him right out ! Outside my window … there is a drizzle of rain . I am thinking … about a stop sign . I 've decided every time my mind goes to something negative that I will think of a stop sign and then I will write out my thoughts at a later time . I am thankful . . . that my father - in - law and mother - in - law raised such a wonderful son . From the kitchen . . . was a salmon casserole . I am wearing . . . a feeling of relief . I am reading . . . The Oak Leaves by : Maureen LangI am remembering . . . what it felt like to be too hot this summer . I am going . . . to enjoy my son being surprised by his grandparents coming to Grandparents Day at school . I am praying … for a dear friend who has been deeply hurt by her husband and friend . On my mind … is how much I have to be thankful for . I am hearing . . . the whirl of the fan , and my hubby taking a shower . Around the house . . . are lots of canning supplies . Noticing that … . it really doesn 't matter what other people think . It only matters what my Lord thinks . Pondering these words … Christ will make everything right in His time . One of my favorite things . . . Asher hollering at Abner from the other room . A picture thought … My son only wanted a dog for his birthday . . . he got it . Boy do they love each other ! ! ! Posted by I have to admit that I was completely shocked while reading this book . Growing up I was either in homeschool or a small private school and never experienced bullies . I began to wonder if I had ever bullied another child , but honestly I can 't think of a time … well except for my younger sister . As I read this book I couldn 't put it down . The way this poor girl was treated is unbelievable . I wondered as I read chapter after chapter how many other children , in America , have had to endure this type of torture . What amazes me is how we are all so shocked when a kid brings a gun or knife to school . Now I wonder if many times the real reason for the weapons is for protection . The saddest thing to me is this happened to Jodee quite a few years back . How many other children have to put up with this garbage before something is done ? If we look at corporate America there really isn 't that much difference in how Jodee was treated and how our co - workers are treated . It 's all about stepping on the smaller guy to move on up the ladder . How pathetic ! My son will be going to a secular school this year , and I must admit after reading this book I have had second thoughts . The way Jodee 's parents responded is probably exactly how I would have responded . We want our children to take a stand and be leaders , but at what expense … their dignity … their life ? I cannot imagine having to return to school day after day , month after month , and year after year being treated like an old tin can we kick around for fun . Actually , Jodee was treated far worse than that . When you 're a victim of any kind of abuse , you can do one of two things . You can learn how to turn your pain into purpose and make a difference in the world , or you can allow it to extinguish the light inside you . If you permit the latter , you are sacrificing far more than your childhood to the cruel gods of popularity . Pg213 People tend to consider being vulnerable a bad thing . It 's not . Vulnerability reminds us that we 're human . It keeps us open to giving and receiving love . Without at least a little , we can become what Dave is trying so hard to be - someone living in a prison of our own making , where the walls are so thick that no one can get in or out . Pg . 248 The only thing that bothered me about the book was the language . There are quite a few four letter words that I don 't particularly care for or use . I feel that having read this book I have a desire to be more aware of the underdog . To keep my eyes open for bullies seeking their prey . If I can somehow keep another human from hurting I will do what I can to help . Ever have one of those days where you just can 't get to " happy " ? Today was one of those days for me . It actually started out fine . We had a wonderful weekend getting things done around the house Friday and Saturday . Sunday we were able to go and visit family . Then during the night last night my pain level was quite high . I took some pain meds around 4 in the morning , and finally fell asleep around 8 . Thankfully Jesse got up with the baby so I was able to get a couple hours of sleep . The morning went smooth enough . I was able to get 4 loads of laundry out on the line and get the kitchen cleaned up , and write the first chapter of a book idea I have . Then Phebe 's sleep walking began . We just got a new disc for the recorder so I decided to record what she does . This went on for quite some time . She finally woke up and was able to go lie down and rest for a bit . It was after all of this that I started to become angry . I just grew tired of having to unlock and lock doors ALL day long . All of my doors now require keys to use them . I HATE IT ! Jesse and I are the only ones with keys so every two minutes my son Abner is asking for a key to get through a door . When I worked at the prison that was one of the things I hated the most … keys locking and unlocking EVERYTHING . Now I live my life like that . It 's not just 8 hours a day , but 24 . I wanted to scream , but figured that wouldn 't go over too well with the rest of the household . I wanted to be alone , but there was no place to go . " Mom , can you ? " " Babe , will you ? " " Momma , may I ? " " Mrs . Olson , won 't you ? " I tell myself that someday I 'll miss it , but today wasn 't one of those days . Tonight the baby was sleeping , Abner was in bed , Jesse was in the shower , and Phebe was supposed to be in bed . I 'm thinking that I may actually have a couple minutes to myself . Yes , I have to finish up the dishes , clean the living room , and take care of the cookies I baked , but still … I was " alone " . Then I hear Phebe ask if we can pray together . Usually I go to her room every night and we talk about our day , and then I pray with her . However , tonight I DIDN ' T WANT TO DO IT ! ! ! I was hoping she would forget . No such luck ! So I asked her if we could talk about our day while I cleaned . She smiled and said that was what she was thinking I should do . The best part of her day was the little horse statue that Abner gave her , and the worst part of her day was the neighbor mowing his lawn all afternoon making her migraine worse . I told her the best part of my day was getting all the laundry caught up , and the worst was not being able to be alone . She asked if that 's why I was slamming everything around the kitchen . Oops ! This didn 't cause me to change my ways . I then suggested that she try to pray tonight since I 'm the one who usually does that part . She giggled in her little girl way and said she would try but she really didn 't know how to do it . I told her to talk to God just like she talks to me . " God , ( Mom , is that right ? I nodded ) God , thank you for the sunshine today . Thank you for my mom . Thank you for all three of my brothers . Thank you for my dad . Please put your protector angels around Asher as he sleeps and please help him to sleep good ( giggle giggle " Mom , Asher ALWAYS sleeps good , doesn 't he ? I nodded ) Please put your protector angels around Abner and Mom and Dad and me … just my whole family . Thank you for my family . ( Mom , how do I stop ? ) Oh , in Your name , Amen . " With tears in my eyes , I told her I needed to change my favorite part of my day . She said I could . I told her it was her prayer . Her eyes got all big . " Really mom ? " She smiled and skipped off to her room happy as a lark . I didn 't skip , but my attitude was so much better . I finally made it to " happy " . Outside my window … is chicken cooking on the grill . I am thinking … that my children are growing too quickly . I am thankful . . . that Phebe is doing better every day . From the kitchen . . . is grilled chicken and zucchini , broccoli from the garden , red skinned potatoes , ruhbarb crumble , and blueberry pie . I am wearing . . . a skirt I recently realized that I always wear pants . I thought I would wear a skirt for a change . I feel weird . I am remembering . . . what it was like when Phebe could at least help with doing dishes . I am going . . . to get groceries after the baby goes to bed . I am praying … for someone I should have been praying for for all along . On my mind … is how quickly time flies the older I get . I am hearing . . . Abner play basketball in the driveway , and the potatoes boiling on the stove . Around the house . . . are toys in nooks and crannie … placed there by little Asher boy . Noticing that … . the days are getting shorter . Pondering these words … Love thy neighbor as thyself . One of my favorite things . . . is sleeping . A picture thought … here are some pictures Phebe took before she regressed . Some decorations in her bedroom . Asher and me enjoying the beautifull weather . Flowers in our yard . My daughter is really opening my eyes to what I believe and why . I 've been on the verge of tears ever since last Wednesday . Phebe and I were on our way home from her counseling appointment . The topic of forgiveness and love was brought up . She wanted me to explain both words . I did my best . I tried to explain that it 's not something you do just once but that you must continue to love and forgive . Both words are actions not just words . I quoted Matthew 22 : 36 - 39 to her . 36Master , which is the great commandment in the law ? 37Jesus said unto him , Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart , and with all thy soul , and with all thy mind . 38This is the first and great commandment . 39And the second is like unto it , Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself . She became very quiet . After a few minutes she asked if she had to forgive the person who had hurt her for so many years . I told her she did . She asked if I had . I told her that I sure had and continue to do so . She asked if I loved him . I told her I did . I explained that I hated , with all my heart , what he had done , but that I loved him . All of a sudden it hit me . I say that I love him , but do I love him as myself ? Jesus said that I am to love my neighbor as myself . I have to admit that I don 't . I love him , but not as I love myself . Silly me had been so proud of myself for so many years that I could forgive him for what he did to my daughter and other girls , and that I loved him . I have to admit that I don 't want to love him as much as I love myself . If I could lie face down on the floor and stomp my feet and beat my fists in the ground right now I would . I don 't want to love him like that . I think what makes me want to cry is , that I 'm so afraid that because of my unwillingness to love him as I should , that is what is preventing my daughter from getting better . I couldn 't begin to tell you how many times I have quoted these verses , and told people if we just did these two things everything else would fall into place . Now here I am … needing to love somHannah I have noticed over the past few weeks how many things I say without thinking . Such as , " dog ugly . " I usually say this whenever I see something that is , in my opinion , horrifically ugly . When Phebe came out of her regression she had some sort of amnesia . So she only remembers the last 3 weeks to the present . She 's learned a lot during that time . I often confuse her though with all my funny sayings . I had to explain what a dog was when we saw one near our home . So later when I said something was " dog ugly " she was totally baffled . Tonight she said , " Mom , whenever you say ' sugar jets ' I know something bad has happened . " The other day my mom came for a visit and was talking to Asher , " Come here you little hunka munka . " Phebe asked what in the world is a hunka munka ? We are going to have this poor girl so messed up . I 've been so nervous re - teaching her things of God and the Bible . I 'm not really sure why this makes me nervous since I 've been teaching this to her for the last 18 years . She takes everything so literally that at times I think I over explain things to her . One day when her migraine was really bad and I had no medications to give her , she came to me and said she had decided to go to heaven with Jesus and Uriah . I asked her how she planned on getting there , and she suddenly realized she didn 't know how . She asked how Uriah had done it . She now has the mind of a 4 or 5 year old . She LOVES to help me with EVERYTHING ! ! ! She has to stir , taste , lift , fold , carry , clean , and shift everything I do . Tonight in church she was mimicking everything I did . Her Bible had to be open to the same book … even though she can 't read . Her leg had to be crossed . Her hand had to be cupping her other hand . She told me that she had done everything just like me when she got ready for church . She did her hair , put on a skirt ( which made her feel like " such a girl " ) , put on some make - up , and washed the counters down . She makes me smile . I wasn 't smiling , however , when Jesse called this afternoon . Hannah My kids and I have played a game for years . We started playing it when one of them could never find anything good about their day . They both feel like they 're too old to still be tucked in at night so I climb in bed with them and ask them what the best and worst thing about their day was . I in turn have to come up with answers too . " I don 't know " cannot be an answer . Tonight Phebe 's best thing was being able to watch Asher learn new things … like climb the steps into the kitchen . : o ( The worst being her migraine . Abner 's best was playing basketball with his dad and the worst was not being allowed to play Playstation . The best part of my day was being able to go to church . The last time I was actually in a church service was 3 months ago . The worst part of my day was seeing the disappointment on Phebe 's face when we got to church . She has some type of amnesia and can only remember things from the middle of June to present . So we have been re - teaching her EVERYTHING ! God and heaven really amaze her . She has been looking forward to going to church for quite a while now . I think she is excited because we are so excited about church . She was watching Pollyanna the other day and turned to me and said , " I don 't want to go to church anymore . " I laughed and told her that our church wasn 't like the church in the movie . So as we pulled into the parking lot tonight Phebe said , " This is the house of God , right ? " We told her it was . She said , " I 'm so excited . I can 't wait to see Him . " I asked her who she was talking about , thinking it may be one of the pastors . She said , " God . " I smiled and told her that God lives in heaven , but that we go to church to worship Him . She asked , " You mean He 's not going to be in there ? " I didn 't really know how to answer her . I mean of course He 's going to be there , but we aren 't going to be able to see him . It 's very hard to explain something like that to someone who takes everything so literally . When I did explain that we wouldn 't be able tPosted by Have you ever just wanted to be a kid again ? I have . In fact , I really wanted it the other day . The hospital called to let me know I could come and pick Phebe up . I 'm sure that most parents would be thrilled to pick their child up from the hospital , but I wasn 't . While I was walking down the corridors of U of M all I could do was imagine myself lying face down and slamming my fists and feet into the floor while screaming at the top of my lungs . I knew I wasn 't ready for the work ahead and I was very sure that Phebe wasn 't ready either . The problem was the hospital didn 't want to care for her any more . The hospital had promised that they wouldn 't send her home until she was sleeping at least 6 hours a night , and they had her migraines and medications under control . None of those promises were kept . She was still only sleeping 2 hours tops , the migraines happened repeatedly throughout the day , and none of the medications seemed to be helping . They kept focusing on what a wonderful girl Phebe was and what a great attitude she had . No kidding people ! I 'm quite aware of how great my daughter is . What 's not so great are the problems she deals with . I felt like a little kid every time one of the staff talked to me . They made me feel incompetent and foolish . I knew I was neither of those things . I stayed on my feet the whole time in the corridors and everywhere else . They sent us home with 6 new prescriptions and a pat on the back . They had done NOTHING to help my daughter . They set Phebe up in a program at our local hospital . She was to go daily from 9 - 3 . She would do crafts , group activities , and therapy . I knew these 6 hours would be my saving grace . Caring for Phebe is a lot of work . So on Phebe 's second day home we went to the hospital to enroll her in these classes . Within 2 minutes I knew they weren 't going to keep her . They said they were very sorry but they couldn 't help . She needed an intensive level of care that they couldn 't provide . The lady left the room and was gone for over 20 minutesHannah Growing up I HATED roller coasters . My sister Flossie , who is two years younger than me , couldn 't get enough of them . Because we were so close in age I was her designated roller - coaster - riding - buddy . Let 's just say this did not thrill me . My life the last three months has been quite a roller coaster ride . I have to admit that I have not enjoyed it any more than an actual roller coaster . I remember on the real roller coaster the one thing I dreaded the most was that slow crawl up that first hill . To me it was torture . To Flossie it was exhilarating . I remember watching her out of the corner of my eye as I gripped the handrail . She would be squealing with excitement . I would be stifling a scream of fear . Before my daughter 's first outward symptom started 3 months ago I recall thinking about how great my family 's life was . My marriage was fantastic , my kids were all doing great , our finances were looking good , we loved our new house and new church family , and to top it all off I was losing weight . : - ) I didn 't realize I was crawling up that first hill of life 's roller coaster . I told myself life was too good to stay like this , but I never would have guessed what was coming . Then the dreaded fall … down the stairway . I fell and broke my ankle on Sunday ; the following Friday Phebe started to stutter . Nothing major , but I knew something wasn 't right . We had started her on a new medication 3 days earlier to help her sleep . The year before we had discovered that she had only been sleeping for 2 - 3 hours a night for many years . She had actually taken this medication then and it had worked wonders . My husband and I knew we had to help her get more rest or there would be problems . Boy , were we right ! At first we thought that restarting this medication had caused her stuttering . In 2 months ' time we went from stuttering to regressing all the way back to a 9 - 12 month old . During that time we had been to numerous doctors , emergency rooms , and specialists running every test imaginable . We were finally pointed to one Hannah Outside my window … is the dark of night and the chirp of crickets . I am thinking … how amazingly fast the last 18 years have gone . I am thankful . . . that the Lord allowed me to adopt such a wonderful daughter . From the kitchen . . . was pork chops , mashed potatoes , green beans , and crescent rolls . I am wearing . . . His peace . I am remembering . . . how small and helpless Phebe looked the first time I laid eyes on her . I am going . . . to celebrate my daughter turning 18 . I am reading … Please Stop Laughing at Me . . . by Jodee Blanco , and hopefully doing a book review soon . I am praying … for healing . On my mind … is the feeling of dread as I realize I must teach my sweet daughter how to read and write again . I already taught her 12 years ago , but we must plunge forward and do it again . I am hearing . . . the swirl of the fan , my hubby taking a shower , and my bed calling my name . Around the house . . . are gifts hidden away for Phebe . : o ) Noticing that … . I need to get things done now . I am recalling things I said I was going to do when I adopted Phebe , and here we are 18 years later . Wow ! Pondering these words … Ma … ma … ma … . mom wh … . wh … wh … wha … wha … what 's th … th … th … this … l … l … le … le … le … let … letter ? One of my favorite things . . . is hearing Phebe laugh . A picture thought … my baby girl . Romans 8 : 38 & 3938For I am persuaded , that neither death , nor life , nor angels , nor principalities , nor powers , nor things present , nor things to come , 39Nor height , nor depth , nor any other creature , shall be able to separate us from the love of God , which is in Christ Jesus our Lord . I have been struggling lately with understanding God 's love . I always want to compare how I love MY children to how He loves His children . There really is no comparison . I 've been enjoying watching my 6 month old learn new things . He 's learned to fake cough , roll from tummy to back , jibber - jabber to get our attention , and cry his head off to get his way . Asher rolled over for the first time tonight from his back to his stomach . It was quite a shock to me . I had left him on my bed to go get some Desitin for his little red bottom . We have been trying to get him to roll from back to tummy for quite some time , but he has not been interested at all . As I started to walk back into the room , with the Desitin , I saw he was on his stomach . I was so excited I gasped . He heard me and tried to roll to see me . This caused him to roll off of the bed . I ran and caught him mid - air . My heart was going pretty fast at this point and I was feeling like a pretty worthless parent . Asher feeling all proud of himself for getting someone else to love him to pieces . . . his Grandma Olson . I began to think about my heavenly Father . Does He smile as we learn new things ? When Asher had tried in the past to roll I was always tempted to help him out just a little bit . Does God want to give us a bit of a nudge when we struggle along the way ? Do the things we say and do cause Him to chuckle ? I believe God has a sense of humor . Tonight in family devotions we asked the kids for examples of His sense of humor . Of course tooting was mentioned . When Asher coos and jabbers at me as if to tell me a story it just thrills my heart . I want him to never stop . Is this How God feels when I pray to Him ? Asher sharing stories with Aunt Mercy . When Asher does something amazing like … Hannah God is good … all the time ! Whenever I say " God is good " and someone then replies " all the time " I feel so guilty . I always feel like they think I forgot that He 's good all the time . I have noticed lately that people don 't say " God is good " when they are going through trials . It 's not usually until the trial is over and they can see how God intervened that they seem to then notice His goodness . By the way , when I say " they " I mean " me " . The last six weeks have been probably the hardest six weeks of my life … ever . Maybe I feel this way because I 'm still in the midst of a trial , but I don 't think so . It all started with my broken ankle . After falling down the steps and looking at my foot , which was now pointed at 3 O ' clock , I instantly started to chew God out . " Lord , you know I have too much going on in my life to not be able to walk . What in the world are you thinking ? ! ? ! ? " If I knew at that point what else would happen in the next few weeks I would have thought the ankle thing was no big deal . A week later my husband and I were attempting to help our daughter get some much needed sleep . She has had problems sleeping for years . She would get around 2 - 3 hours of sleep a night . So my hubby took her to the doctor and he prescribed some medications she had used before that worked . Within 3 days she was showing some very strange symptoms . She stuttered severely , shook all the time , had mouth ticks , dropped almost everything she picked up , and fell A LOT . So we immediately stopped the meds . A week later , after a visit to the ER and another visit to the doctor , she could no longer talk but for a few words , she couldn 't read or write , and fell down the steps numerous times . Her sleep was even less . She was terrified of everything at night . My hubby had to start sleeping downstairs on the couch for her to feel safe . Two more visits to the ER and a eight day stay in the hospital ( without the doctors really figuring anything out ) and here we are a month later . All the symptoms are the same . She also is dealing with the flu and Posted by Outside my window … the sun has set and the moon is trying to show itself through the clouds . I am thinking … it 's amazing how God has blessed me with such amazing friends . I am thankful . . . that even though we go through difficult times we are always in the center of God 's unfailing love . I 'm also thankful for my friend 's daughter who is coming tomorrow to stay for the week to help us out . From the kitchen . . . was a wonderful meal prepared by the one and only Abner Snyder … corndogs and french fries . Delish . ; O ) I am wearing . . . a walking cast even though I 'm still not able to bear weight on my ankle for at least 4 more weeks . I am remembering . . . how I once took for granted the full range of motion in my ankles . However , I no longer take that for granted . I am going . . . to yet another doctor 's appointment tomorrow . This time it 's for one of the kidlets though . I am reading … or attempting to read . . . my daughter 's mind . I am praying … for wisdom and right choices . On my mind … sufferings of family members . I am hearing . . . Phebe get a snack from the kitchen , Abner talking to Asher and acting quite silly to boot , the hum of my laptop , and the tick - tock of the clock . Around the house . . . there is no evidence at all that I did spring cleaning just a few weeks ago . Noticing that … . people love to help , but I hate asking for it . Pondering these words … Babe , I love you ! I sure love my hubby ! ! ! ! One of my favorite things . . . is seeing my children helping each other and making each other laugh . A picture thought … me and the Phebster playing with babies . Lilly 's Wedding Quilt is a compelling love story . This story is not only love portrayed between a man and a woman , but a family as well . It was interesting to see how the author weaved in the relationship of the family and how it requires hard work and loyalty to make it run smoothly . The book grabs your attention right away with one character receiving unwarranted blame . It was a page turner right from page one . It 's an easy read that doesn 't have too many characters to confuse you . I didn 't want to put it down as I needed to see what was going to happen next . I couldn 't wait to see how God would fulfill the desires of the characters ' hearts . I enjoyed getting wrapped up in Lilly 's mind and emotions as she was so involved with her students and their everyday life . She taught with such passion and conviction , and desired her students to fulfill their dreams . Lilly also had dreams she wanted to fulfill , but had given up hope that any of them would come true . It was made clear that God will grant the desires of our hearts , but sometimes we aren 't clear ourselves as to what those desires might be . I received a copy of Lilly 's Wedding Quilt from Booksneeze . com Outside my window … the sun is shining bright , but it 's still very very chilly ! I am thinking … it 's nice to be able to relax a bit while mom is here to help . I am thankful . . . for my church . They have been such a great help with bringing meals and offering to clean my house . Even my bathrooms ! ! ! From the kitchen . . . will be another meal from church . All the meals have been yummy to the tummy ! I am wearing . . . pajamas AGAIN . I wonder if I 'll ever wear real clothes again . I am remembering . . . how sweet it was of my neighbor to come over and cut open my cast . The swelling had gotten worse and the doctor suggested we cut it . It felt sooooo much better . She was my favorite person that day . : o ) I am going . . . to my follow - up appointment this week to check out the progress of my ankle . I am reading … Mistaken Identity by Don & Sue Van Ryn and Newell , Colleen & Whitney Cerak . I am praying … that dad can handle being without mom this week . : o ) On my mind … is making sure Phebe has fun , and doesn 't feel like she has to do EVERYTHING around the house . I am hearing . . . the fire crackle , Jesse 's training course , Abner 's school pages turning , and my mom rocking in the chair as she reads . Around the house . . . babies , family , lots of food , pain pills , and dreams of spring . Noticing that … . my ankle is hurting less . Pondering these words … Romans 12 : 12 - 14 12Rejoicing in hope ; patient in tribulation ; continuing instant in prayer ; 13Distributing to the necessity of saints ; given to hospitality . One of my favorite things . . . is finishing the school day . A picture thought … My wonderful mom helping with the babies . I broke my ankle Sunday morning and thought for sure it wouldn 't be an issue continuing with the diet . I figured there would be no way to cheat since I couldn 't get to the kitchen . Since I 've been home I 've realized that it 's hard enough on my family to take care of EVERYTHING . I can 't very well ask them to fix separate meals just for me . Besides , I need to be eating plenty of foods with calcium and protein . So my plan is to stop for now , keep the 16 pounds off , and as soon as I 'm healed start up again . I refuse to get upset about this . I 'm so thankful I only broke my ankle . . . it could have been so much worse . In a year 's time these few weeks will seem like a blink of the eye . Outside my window … is pitch darkness and a storm brewing . I am thinking … I hope I sleep well tonight . I broke my ankle this weekend and the pain is quite intense . I am thankful . . . God protected me from getting hurt worse than I was . A broken ankle is much better than a broken back or hip . From the kitchen . . . was stuffed shells from my best friend Lorie and Raspberry pie from the best neighbor ever . DELISH ! I am wearing . . . a new cast and tears of pain . I am remembering . . . how helpful everyone has been the last few days . I am going . . . from couch to bathroom and bathroom to couch for the next 6 weeks . I am reading . . . Superbaby 12 ways to give your child a head start in the first three years . By Dr . Jenn BermanI am praying … that my ankle heals quickly . On my mind … is the lesson the Lord is trying to teach me through this time of healing . I am hearing . . . the music of Seussical as we watch the musical the kids and I were in a few years ago . Around the house . . . walker , crutches , pain pills , and ice packs . Noticing that … . it 's difficult to have others do for me . I hate being waited on . Pondering these words … " How did you fall down the stairs ? " I don 't even know how to answer that question . One of my favorite things . . . is encouraging words from friends , family , and church family . A picture thought … My best friend and my best baby . Posted by I didn 't write last week on my diet because , of all days , the internet decided to not work and my sweet hubby ( the computer guy ) was at work . So I decided to write both weeks this week . So of last week … at the beginning of week 3 I had lost 14 pounds . I had also lost 5 more inches . This was a total boost for me . I have to admit that I hate this diet , and it would probably go better if I liked it . It 's very difficult to fix a delicious looking meal for my family and then eat blah for myself . I realize that I haven 't been eating blah for a very long time which is why I look the way I do . That , however , does not make me like the diet , or get excited over losing 14 pounds in 14 days . I 've been tempted to quit a few times . What prevents me from doing so is realizing how much weight I have lost in such a short time . The daunting part is I have soooooooooo much weight to lose that I don 't see a light at the end of the tunnel . Maybe that 's why at the start of week 4 I 've not lost my pound a day . Now here we are in week 4 and I have lost a total of 16 pounds and 1 ½ more inches . This is great , right ? It seems strange to me that I 'm not excited about this . What other diet could I do and lose this much weight so quickly ? 21 days and 16 pounds … . can 't shake a stick at that , huh ? This puts me at the half - way mark . Do I continue ? Do I still hope for a total of 40 pounds ? Do I hope for 32 pounds ? I will continue because I 'm not a quitter . I will try to have a better attitude about it because I have to admit that the last 21 days have gone by rather quickly . My friends are done and onto the next stage and they look great . Plus they get to eat cheese now . : o ) The crazy thing is my husband has " accidentally " lost 8 pounds . How does one lose 8 pounds by accident ? I think of you in silence , I often speak your name . All I have are memories and a picture in a frame . Your memory is a keepsake , with which I 'll never part . |
Christmas was really nice . My cousin Rich and his family came over to celebrate with us . Friday evening my brother and his family from Modesto came over and they stayed until Sunday . We had a KILLER prime rib roast that I got from Costco and Heather told me how to cook it . Corinne stayed here for a couple of days , her mom is coming to get her tonight . Yesterday was one of the saddest days in my life . Corinne and I went to see Marley and Me and I pretty much cried through the whole movie . After that we went to Mobo 's and bought home some sushi because Brodie had a doctor 's appointment . They took an x - ray and told me that Brodie has bone cancer . If I have her leg amputated and put her through chemotherapy she might last a year but they strongly recommend I do nothing and they will keep her as comfortable as possible until she 's not comfortable any more . I can 't remember the last time I have been this sad . Every time I look at her I can 't stop myself from crying . I always try to cry when there 's nobody around but this time it 's just not working . Heather has been so busy but she came by tonight and made an awesome dinner of sea bass with a macadamia nuts , tangerine and avocado salsa she also made some basmati rice and asparagus . The other day she made seafood crapes , eggplant and my favorite roasted potatoes . Susanna called in sick this morning so I ended up stuck in bed , Corinne and I were going to spend the day at the boardwalk because she 's leaving in the morning . I like to stay in bed and rest once in a while but when you hear bad news it gives you WAY too much time to think . Today was kind of a low - key day . Brodie and TueTue had a spa day and that usually takes several hours . It was too cold to go outside so I just hung out and watched a couple of movies . Last night Heather brought over a lasagna and garlic bread that she made for my lunch today , do I even need to say that it was the best lasagna I have ever had ? She made it with spinach , artichokes and zucchini . This afternoon she brought over some truffles that her Baker made , they were so awesome they just melted in your mouth . My aunt came over with Luana , her nine months old granddaughter , and she gave her a little bite . You should 've seen her face light up and her eyes got huge and she kept grabbing for my aunts arm for another bite . My aunt called last night and said that it looks like I 'm not going to be able to go to my cousins for Christmas . He did a lot of work at his house to make it accessible and I was really looking forward to seeing it again , he redid since I lived there 20 years ago . It looks like were going to have Christmas at my uncle and aunt 's across the street . This morning I had Susana take pictures of my Christmas windows . I really had a good weekend but I am exhausted . On Friday Teresa invited me to her company Christmas party at the Santa Cruz bowling alley . It brought back a lot of good memories , my boss and I used to go bowling and then have sushi every Monday . A lot of people I knew from seeing them around the Dominican building . I had just seen by Dr . , Dr . Owens , Friday afternoon because I have a really bad UTI and she gave me some antibiotics . It was so cool watching the kids bowl , apparently was the first time for a lot of them . The scoreboards are automatic and next your name you mark whether you want the bumpers up or not . They had a lot of really good " bowling food " and it was a really nice group of people . Saturday evening I went to a surprise birthday party for my old neighbor Liz . Jerry e - mailed me and said that they were going to spend the weekend in Aptos and he was going to surprise her at this really nice restaurant with some of her friends , she really was surprised . I hadn 't seen them since I moved away in June and it was really great to see them both . They stopped by on Sunday to see the house and Jerry set up my Nintendo Wii game , I 'm so excited because now I can start playing tomorrow . My Mom 's dog , Tue Tue , is always taking over Brodie 's bed . TueTue will lay with Brodie but Brodie WILL NOT lay with Tue Tue so Brodie will just go and lay on the floor . Theresa felt really bad so she brought over a small bed for TueTue so Brodie could have hers back . . . Today I ended up staying in bed . Susana was supposed to be here for three hours but she woke up late so she was only here for two hours , it 's really cold outside anyway so I 'm nice and warm and watching movies on pay - per - view . For some reason I woke up this morning with a sore neck so I took a muscle relaxer and it really wiped me out . Heather and Cassie came by so I did have a little visit from the outside world . Whenever I see business windows painted for the holidays I always think how cool it would be to have my windows painted , there is always a name in the corner with a phone number so I saw one and I liked at Jack 's , a hamburger place downtown , so I called . The lady called me back and said that she would do private homes so she is going to come out the next nice day that we have , probably Thursday , and paint my windows . . . I 'm so excited . Sunday I got up early and Theresa and I went to breakfast at Zachary 's , I had heard a lot about it and it was supposed to be one of the best places in Santa Cruz so I wanted to try it , I had a spinach , bacon , avocado and garlic omelette and it came with homestyle potatoes and bread that they make there fresh . After that we went to petsmart to get a hat for the Halloween spider that was left hanging on the porch , I decided instead of putting it away I would just buy a Santa 's hat and put it on , it looks really cute . While we were there they told us that we could go and have Brodie 's picture taken with Santa so we did and then we went and got TueTue , my mom 's dog , and took her back to get her picture taken with Santa also . We drove over to Costco but it was WAY too crowded so we decided not to stop . We put some bells around Brodie 's neck and one on her paws and she looked so cute that we decided to go across the street to show Uncle Dick and Aunt Kathy , Brodie was not amused . My uncle was talking about how much he disliked Christmas so we decided to get a bell , tie a bow around it and hang it from his rearview mirror because I knew that they were going out for their yearly Christmas dinner with friends . My aunt called and said that he grabbed it off the mirror and threw it in the back of the truck but then realized his mistake . . . they had to listen to the bell rolling around in the back of the truck all the way there . Heather and Linda came by for a while and we had a really nice visit , Linda works so much that I hardly ever get to see her . Today I decided to take Brodie for a walk through the lagoon , it had been raining in the water was really high . I left her with my mother and went to Costco to pick up my meds , it was way too long of a trip for her and it took me about an hour and a half but would have taken me probably twice that if I had brought Brodie along , she has to go really slow . When I got back a WONDERFUL aroma was coming out of my kitchen , Heather must be here I thought and sure enough there she was . ShePosted by This has been a real busy week but I think that we are finally ready for Christmas , except for the lights along the rails of the ramps . On Monday I had a doctor 's appointment to discuss the options for my back , I am so ready to see what they can do about that so I am eagerly waiting for my primary care doctor to talk to my rehab Dr . and see what they can come up with . On Tuesday I had an appointment to get my teeth cleaned , it is a long trip but very scenic so I enjoyed a long slow trip , I have to go slow for Brodie . Wednesday and Thursday were just regular days . The weather was nice enough so that Brodie & I could go for our regular stroll . it usually starts to cool down about 3 p . m . On Thursday they deliver the Cabinet for my computer system , it is gorgeous , I could not believe how beautiful it was and I could not stop smiling . . . I can 't wait for my brother to visit so we can set it up . Friday I left Brodie here and went down to Claudius shop to get my manicure and pedicure . I usually don 't answer my phone when I 'm with somebody or in a building but I thought that it might be my mom so I answered it and it was my ex - boyfriend . I felt really bad because the earpiece was falling out of my ear and my fingernails were wet , I was having a really hard time hearing what he was saying so I asked him if he could call me back later but he didn 't so I hope that I didn 't hurt his feelings . Today we got a lot of the clutter in the House picked up , it makes the crazy . . . er when the house is cluttered . The last couple of days I have been feeling a little sluggish so I decided to stay in bed today and rest , although I did take a bath with Dr . Bonner 's eucalyptus soap . Everybody around me has the flu and I really do not want it . I always think that I 'm going to stay in bed and relax and watch movies but it never happens , the phone starts ringing and people stop by . I 'm sure that by tomorrow morning I will be so restless from staying in bed that I will make myself do something , maybe go to see a movie . Friday I have an appointment with Claudia to get a manicure and a pedicure , that always makes me feel better . Today I finally did it . I have been afraid to turn left the end of my street and go up the hill because it 's pretty steep but it is the shortest distance to a lot of places so I just decided to do it and I made up the hill no problem . Part of the sidewalk going up the hill is always wet so I assume that there would be moss or something slippery there but there really wasn 't . I had a doctor 's appointment up that way and I didn 't really want to go through the lagoon because Brodie is still limping . The doctor 's appointment went great . I talked to the doctor about my spine curving while I am in the chair and she 's going to talk to my rehab Dr . and decide what my options are . I have a lot of skin tags on my neck and they keep getting pulled by my turtlenecks and sweaters and that is very annoying so she pulled some of them off and she froze others , she said in about two weeks I will never have known that they were there . Heather came by tonight to set me up for a couple of days because she 's going to be very busy at work . Last Saturday Heather , Teresa and I went to see a movie called The Boy in the Striped Pajamas and then after Heather made rack of lamb , couscous , and we have some red wine . . . it was delicious . I had a lock of Brie cheese from Thanksgiving so she cut up some apples , found some kind of fig something , Brie cheese and she wrapped it up as big square dough and cooked it and it was so good I could not believe it . She made it again last night but we did not get the chance to try it so I cannot wait to try it tomorrow night . She also made a killer sausage and bean soup , a hamburger with Swiss cheese and avocado and a salad , some squash with Swiss cheese and some kind of fish . . . I will definitely not go hungry until she comes back . Teresa came by after work and hung up the lights on the tree but a lot of them were not working so it 's going to be a little bit more involved than we thought so she 's coming back tomorrow or Thursday . When we get finished it is going to look so awesome . I really need to take some pPosted by My uncle and aunt made a HUGE pot of Turkey noodle soup after Thanksgiving with the leftovers and it was so good . They invited their good friend Ellen , her daughter and their family and my mom and I over to have some . Later on my uncle brought the pot over with some more noodles , he didn 't think it have enough noodles . We had some more and it was even better . Thursday their water heater broke , of course on the holiday and they won 't be able to get it fixed until hopefully today . They left the pot of turkey soup here for Teresa to put in the refrigerator in the garage . The soup was so nuclear hot that she decided to put it outside the garage door to cool down before she put it in the refrigerator . When she was getting ready to leave she went to take the dogs out and came rushing the dogs back into the house , she said there was a HUGE raccoon coming up the driveway to get our turkey soup , they really have an incredible sense of smell . She said it was the biggest raccoon she had ever seen and she has lived here are whole life . The last couple of weeks have been really busy trying to get everything ready for Christmas . Teresa helped me decorate and it looks really awesome . Last weekend we decorated the inside and this weekend we put up the lights outside and got the Christmas tree and set it up in the living room , tomorrow we 're going to decorate it . My cousin Rich is building a ramp at his house in the mountains so that I could go there for Christmas , I am so excited because I haven 't been able to see my cousin and his family or the house for a very long time . . . I practically grew up in this house and from what I 've heard it is totally changed . Tomorrow I have an appointment with Dr . Owens . My spine is starting to collapse a little bit and I going to see if anything can be done about it . I had my spine x - rayed and it 's not scoliosis which I thought it was at first it is just that my torso is so long as the muscles around it are getting so weak from not be used . . . that 's what I think anyway . My left arm is always hurtiPosted by Thanksgiving was great . Stanley and his family came down Wednesday evening to stay the night , Robert , David and Corinne are getting to be so big and so good - looking . Thursday morning , as he always does when he is here , Stanley made a big huge breakfast . . . scrambled eggs topped with eggplant , bacon and English muffins . I got David to hook up My Nintendo Wii and he showed me how to use it , I think I 'm really going to love it . I played tennis and baseball and my arm was getting tired , it is also my eating arm so of course I don 't want that to be tired on Thanksgiving . Rich , Vanessa and their family showed up and so did Mike and Laura and we all ate way too much . Teresa stayed for the day and is always such a big help and so nice to be around . She made garlic mashed potatoes and she made this dip with blue cheese and onions , it was delicious . Of course we had all of the traditional dishes and then some and of course plenty of leftovers . For some reason I just could not get comfortable in my chair , I was really lopsided and although I really tried to ignore it just didn 't feel right . After we ate I had Teresa put me in my old chair and although it was a little bit more comfortable I think it 's just my spine . I am very tall and I have a long torso so I 'm going to make an appointment and see if there 's anything that can be done about it , at first I thought it was maybe scoliosis but when I lay down my spine is straight so that is a big relief . Posted by I cannot believe how much we got done this weekend . My mom 's new window treatments came in the mail on Friday and last weekend Theresa took me to Home Depot and I bought a closet organizer that had to be installed , I had no idea where we were going to find somebody to install them but Mario showed up on Saturday to replace the window that one of his workers broke . Mario owns the company that cleans our house . Besides owning the company she does maintenance so it was perfect timing and we were so excited to get things done before Thanksgiving . I have been soaking Morning Glory and Passion Flower seeds to plant along the driveway and they are sprouting like crazy , it is so cool to watch them grow . There was already some river rock there so we just sprinkled soil over the top threw down the seeds and sprinkled more dirt over the top and they are crazy , supposedly they 're both very hardy and in no time the fence on my driveway will be covered with beautiful flowers and vines . My uncle and aunt built a ramp to go in to their house that they are redoing so I finally got to go in and see everything , it is gorgeous . They have been living in the back house for a long time and working on the front house and they are finally getting so close and it really is a dream house . It seems like Heather keeps out doing herself . Every time I think that she cannot make something any better she does . Tonight she brought over a couple of fillet minion 's and some mashed potatoes with a whole bunch of really good stuff in them . Yesterday she brought some fresh cod , I am just so lucky to be eating like this . I finally had my wheelchair evaluation were everybody showed up . Barbara , the OT that I saw last time and said that she would help me out and Eric , the guy who works at Rehab Specialist were both in there . I knew Eric because I worked with him before when I went to Transition . I used to go to Transitions a couple times a week to use the standing frame and work on other ways to make me more independent . While I was talking to Eric he asked Posted by Today seemed like a really good day to take a bath and just go back to bed and watch movies . Usually I pick at least one day to stay in bed but I have been so busy that I really haven 't stayed in bed much at all . DirecTV gave me a couple of free movies for being such a good customer so today would be the perfect day to take advantage of it . Heather came by today to make sure that I have enough food to get me through the next couple of days , November and December are very busy for her at work . Yesterday she made some meat loaf and it was SO good , she made it with pork , sausage and hamburger and wrapped bacon around it and she also made my favorite roasted potatoes and sautéed spinach with garlic and mushrooms . Whenever Brodie sees her walk through the door she goes crazy and follows her around . Today when Heather left I saw Brodie walk in the kitchen and she sniffed around so and then around the sink and then around the counter and seemed confused that Heather left and there was no incredible smells in the kitchen , Brodie is so cute . I took Brodie to the vet last week because she has been limping on her left front leg for over a week . They did all of the necessary tests and told me that she as arthritis in her elbows and her shoulders , that is what I was afraid of . She has a series of shots , two a week for a month and then one every couple of months . They also gave her some inflammatory medicine and then we just need to wait and see what happens . It 's getting to be really frustrating because I 'm getting to where I really can 't go anywhere and I can 't leave her at home , whenever I go somewhere I 've always watching out for other dogs . She 's not aggressive but the hackels go up and she barks . The vet says that it is because of me because I get so nervous and stressed when another dog comes around because I 'm afraid of how she will act and apparently she can then that and it makes it worse so I need to chill out and eat peppermint , the doctor said that peppermint will make it harder for her to read my emotions . . . we shPosted by It has been such a long time since I have written anything . My home automation system is just falling apart and last week I lost my phone and my voice recognition software . I 'm going to try Vonage and I really hope that I like it because I am just setting it up today and already my trial period is over , I guess it can 't be any worse than having no telephone at all . Yesterday Teresa took me to get a new microphone for my computer and to Home Depot . . . oh how we love Home Depot . I got a closet organizer for my front bedroom and some more soil to plant the rest of my seeds along the driveway . We went to this hamburger placed called Jacks that I often passed by and always wonder about . The hamburgers AND french fries were really good , I kind of had a feeling that they were because the place is always packed . It 's getting pretty close to Thanksgiving and I 'm finally starting to think that I 'm going to get my house organized in time . Teresa is such a huge help I am so glad that we found her . Thanksgiving is going to be at my aunt 's house and it sounds like there 's going to be a lot of people there , Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays . As I am cruising down the streets I see a lot of windows painted for the holidays and I 've always wondered if they would do that for private homes , they always leave their name and phone numbers on the window so going to give them a call and find out . Now that the fences are all done and they look GORGEOUS and when I open my bedroom door I 'm not staring into the neighbors apartments and vice versa . We soaked some morning glory seeds until they sprouted and then poured some dirt in the river rock and put the seeds and it looks like they are liking it , I already have nine little babies growing , it is so exciting to watch . I 'm trying to decide whether I should alternate passion flowers and morning glories or put morning glories in the middle and passion flowers on the end , it sure is a long driveway . Heather is so creative and she has made some really amazing dishes . She wanted to make a Posted by Sunday was a really great day . I had an appointment with CCI , Canine Companions for Independence , in San Francisco at the Stones Town Galleria Mall . Unfortunately I picked at 2 p . m . appointment so there wasn 't much that we could do before or after . Teresa said that she would drive me and we decided to go to the Aquarium by the Bay after . We didn 't think that we would have very much time so we ended up getting something to eat at Chevy 's and although the food was really good at which we would have waited to get something to eat on Pier 39 , that 's where the Aquarium by the Bay ended up being . I 'm so glad that we decided to check out the aquarium , we almost didn 't because by the time we got there we only had two hours but the guy in the ticket booth told us it would only take 40 minutes . After the aquarium we just walked around and looked at all the stores and wished that we had more time , we are definitely going back for the day soon . while I was there I was introduced to Department 56 decorations and I LOVED them , I 'm going to start collecting them . The ramp on my van hasn 't been working very well and of course Sunday morning we had to really fight with it to get it to finally work . When we got to San Francisco everything worked perfectly until we got home and then it took a long time of playing with the door to get it open , Gabe is going to come by this morning to see if I can fix it , he is such a awesome man and he can fix anything . I almost forgot to take pictures of my Halloween decorations before I take them down . My neighbors had a party so they had most of my cool stuff but I decorated the front porch with what I had left . Posted by Halloween turned out to be a really good day . Teresa met me on her lunch hour to help me pick out a shoulder bag for Heather for her birthday , I noticed that hers was being held together by Scotch tape in some places . Deborah and Clayton brought the girls by so that we could see their costumes , I have not seen the girls in several years and they are getting so big . Deborah and Clayton used to live next door to Uncle Dick and that Aunt Kathy and became really good friends of the family . Teresa came by after work and we headed downtown , I heard that Halloween is really crazy in Santa Cruz . They blocked off most of the streets downtown and everybody was just walking around visiting . Some of the costumes were so cool and creative and I had such a good time just watching everybody . About 8 : 00 p . m . it started raining really hard so we got under one of the overhangs to wait it out but it looked like it just wasn 't going to stop so we decided to make a break for it and run home in the rain , we were SOAKED to the bone but it was worth it . Deborah was telling me about a taco bar downtown so we decided to try it , the talk was were delicious and I will definitely be back . I had to steak tacos and a Margarita on the rocks . Today is Heather 's birthday so her , Teresa and I went to see Angelina Jolie 's new movie Changeling , it was the best movie I have seen for a very long time . Heather wasn 't feeling well so she almost didn 't go but we were all glad that she did . It has been a long time since I have written anything in my journal . I haven 't been feeling very good and I think it is my sinuses , it started out with a sore throat and then my nose is plugged up one minute and running the next . I have never had a problem with my sinuses , I would rather just get the flu and get it over with . Last week was the cold water classic and I went down and checked it out just about every day . I couldn 't really very much because everybody was standing up in front of me but it was so beautiful out in every once and while I caught a glimpse of one of the surfers riding a wave , I don 't know how they do it . My uncle and aunt started coming over and plain Cribbage every night before we go to bed , there 's nothing like winning a few dollars before you go to sleep to give you some sweet dreams . Ever since Teresa has started I feel like I got so much done . We only have about three more shelves in the garage and then we can start on organizing everything in my room , there really is a lot of storage but there 's also a lot of stuff that just got put away without going through . I 'm so glad that I found Teresa . Of course Heather has the making some incredible dishes . Yesterday she made one that I can tell is going to be one of my favorites , bulgur wheat on the bottom , sauteed spinach , eggplant , squash topped with goat cheese and ricotta cheese . She also made some beans and sausages , a big salad and a couple of wraps . Next Monday they 're going to start building my new fences . It took a long time to contact the property owners around me but they all agreed to go in half so it 's going to be so nice to have all new fences . The one at the back of the House is so old all that is holding it up is the trees behind it . The fence that runs down the driveway is the only one we don 't have to replace , we are just putting a trellis at the top to guide my morning glories . Yesterday I cruised down to Ross and Cost Plus and on the way back I stopped at a stationary store and got a couple of photograph cards of the boardwalk Posted by The last couple of days Brodie has been limping on her right front leg , it must hurt pretty bad , so we haven 't really gone on in the long cruises . Today I have an appointment to sign up with ParaCruz , it is a door to door driving service for people with disabilities . Unfortunately I wrote down the wrong address and we ended up about 4 miles out of the way . The ParaCruz office is at the bus depot , about four blocks away . I finally made it to my appointment so it 's nice to have that in order if I ever do need it . The time I got home it was so hot here there really wasn 't much I could do outdoors so I earned a couple of badges on Pogo and watched TiVo . Heather came over and made a couple of my favorite dishes , mustard chicken , roasted potatoes and a salad , she also made a salami and cheese wrap for tomorrow . She is really busy this weekend with a bunch of benefits and she has been having to walk everywhere she goes . Yesterday Brodie and I cruised through the lagoon , through the park , through the dog park and up to the lighthouse . O ' Neill surf shop was setting up a big tent and a stage by Patrick and Sky 's memorial plaque . Right down from the lighthouse , their favorite place to surf , there is a memorial plaque for my cousin Patrick and his friends Sky who passed away in 2000 , Patrick was unknown cause and sky had cancer . Around the sign was filled with fresh flowers , I wanted to get a better look but there was a bunch of guys standing in front of it so I will try to see it again today . There is also a memorial bench for Patrick on the wharf , the first set of memorial benches on the right by the lifeguard headquarters . EVERYBODY knew him and loved him . I found out later that they are setting up for the O ' Neill cold water classic , it is supposed to go on all week . Teresa came by this morning to draw blood for my blood test and we didn 't think she was going to have any luck but she finally did , she only got one vial and we are hoping that is going to be enough . It is so nice to have a doctor who will do house calls when we think it would be more convenient . Today was a spa day for all of us . My mom and my aunt to Brodie and Tue Tue to the groomers at my mom and I went to Claudia 's shop . It is always so nice to go there because it is always full of people and it 's nice to get to know them . Claudia was really busy today but she is always so calm and never rushes so I don 't really think anybody notices if they have to wait very long . My uncle said that he would take me to Costco , I don 't know which one of us love 's Costco more . I was telling him about the flowers on Patrick and Sky 's memorial area so he said he would take me to see where Skyler lived , he said that his mother grew a garden in the entire front lawn and that she takes flowers every week to their memorial spot . Unfortunately all of the roads were blocked off so we drove up to the UCSC campus and show me where defines all of his really good bargains . They have a store up tPosted by Thursday was a pretty typical day , I haven 't really been feeling the greatest so I decided to stay in bed and rest since everybody around me seems to be sick and I don 't want it . On Thursday morning I got an e - mail from Stanley asking if we would like to have company for the weekend , him , David , Zach and Corinne were going to come here and say the night , of course we always want company . Heather came over and made some asparagus ravioli with sausage , man was that killer . On Friday my aunt took me to get some of the last minute things that I needed for my Halloween costume . We found some really long red eyelashes and some thick poster board for Brodie 's costume and the think you sign for Woodworm party store . We also found Styrofoam balls to use as egg sacks for my spiders on the porch . We found everything , I love when that happens . Stanley and the gang got here on Friday night and we watched TV for a little bit and then went to bed . On Saturday my mom and I had an appointment with Claudia to get and manicure / pedicure and although it is only a few blocks away there was no way we were going to get there . I think every high school marching band in California was in Santa Cruz that day , apparently they were having some sort of compensation and we are right across the street from the high school so every road was blocked off . Stanley took the boys , Corinne and a little neighbor girl Corinne is friends with to the boardwalk . Teresa came in at 1 : 00 p . m . to help me get into my costume so I wouldn 't have to wear it all day , I will probably where it all day on Halloween . It was so cool because everybody was helping me . Autumn came over to do my makeup and I think she really did a great job . Before the party Theresa took me and the two boys over to the Woodworm shop because they wanted to take a picture of me and Brodie in our costumes so I got to meet the daughter of the owner of the store , she is such a sweet lady and working world she is eight months pregnant , it was starting to get cold so Teresa took me to her house and lPosted by Yesterday I had my first doctor 's appointment with my new primary care doctor , she is really great . She is brand new and doesn 't have a lot of patients yet and I like that . My aunt found her for my mom and they were so impressed with her but they couldn 't wait to introduce me to her . Her nurse , Teresa , is my new part - time caregiver . I had an appointment there yesterday for a Pap smear and a Depo shot and I was trying to tell Teresa out hard it was going to be to try to do a pap smear in my chair and she was going to ask the doctor to come here to do it but I didn 't get a phone call so I went up there in my chair , I made sure to wear a skirt so it would be easier . Since I have one last year and they have always come up clean she said that I only need one every two or three years so I decided to wait until next year . A usually do all those yearly tests around my birthday , not a really good birthday present but at least I remember to do it . Dr . Owen said that she would be glad to make a house visit any time I needed it , how cool is that ? Teresa gave me the shots , Depo , Flu , Pneumonia and Tetanus so I won 't have to worry about those for a while and when she comes on Thursday she 's going to draw blood to test my cholesterol , she couldn 't believe I have never had my cholesterol checked . After the doctor 's appointment my mom and I went grocery shopping . All of the grocery stores around here are so small all I can do is try to find a place where I 'm not in everybody 's way , people shopping after work really have no patience left but they really try to be polite . Today Brodie and I went on a extra long walk , the last three days because of cleaning out the garage and the doctor 's appointments I haven 't been able to take her for a walk and she is really getting crazy . . . acting more crazy than usual . We cruise the wharf AND down to the lighthouse . It was a beautiful day and everybody must have been at work so it felt like we have the whole ocean to ourselves . Teresa came back over on Sunday morning to get me up and do some more clearing out of the garage . It was looking so good and I was so excited to get going on it , the weirdest things get me excited . We got most of it cleaned out and the two trips to the Gray Bears , the Gray Bears are an organization here in Santa Cruz that help senior citizen with just about everything . A lot of the stuff that I wanted to keep came into the house so it kind of feels like it did when I first moved in but the garage and looks great and my cousin is going to be able to put up the remaining shelves without having to maneuver around everything . There is a lot of stuff on the left side of the garage but now that I have Teresa to help me I 'm excited to get it all sorted and put away , I think a lot of it is medical supplies . On Sunday afternoon Heather came by with a Chinese chicken salad and a Turkey wrap . Sunday evening we went across the street to my uncles to play cribbage , my mom and I kicked butt . My uncle made some chicken and potato soup and my aunt made her famous wedge salad , both were delicious . Monday morning my uncle came over to see if I wanted to go to Noah 's bagels to get a bagel , of course I did . We were only going to bring back about six but I think we ended up bringing back about 10 , by the time we finished naming off the kind of bagels we wanted we were way past six . In the afternoon I had a dentist appointment . I had three silver fillings so they took those out and put in white ones , to me it looks a lot nicer and the silver ones were done a long time ago . I decided to leave Brodie at my uncles because my dentist appointment was about a half - hour trip in my chair , she 's really getting old and it is harder for her to keep up . I 'm not sure what she did but she broke into the house that my aunt and uncle are redoing so they brought her back here . Heather came by with prawns to set me up for a couple of days . She cooked the prawns with zucchini , tomatoes , onions , cilanto and tequila , it was SO good . She also made some rice Posted by Friday Heather brought over some chicken that she cooked with mustard for Saturday and guess what . . . I ate it , it smelled so good I could not wait . We were supposed to go out to eat and then play cribbage at my uncle 's house and as it ended up it was a good thing that I ate because nobody was hungry so we just played cribbage until about 8 p . m . and it had a sandwich , this probably sounds weird but my uncle got me hooked on liver worst sandwiches . Teresa got off work and came over to put me to bed about 8 : 30 p . m . and she said that she would help clean out the garage . We decided Saturday , today , to go through the remaining stuff in the garage and either decide to keep it or take it to the Gray Bears . I had a three - bedroom house and my mom had a two - bedroom and when we moved over here we had to try really hard to downsize everything into two 2 - bedroom houses , not easy for a couple of pack rats like us and even though we did get rid of a lot of stuff we still had a garage full . When we started it looked really hopeless but now it looks great , but really got rid of a lot more stuff and even though I don 't know what I 'm going to do with two huge boxes of clothes that are sitting in my bathroom we did really well . My cousin Rich is going to come back on Tuesday to start building shelves in the garage and he is going to be so surprised how clean it looks , when he left on Thursday he was pretty frustrated thinking that I was going to have to work around all the junk . . . well joke to everyone else . This morning I had one of Heather 's killer wraps and some awesome chicken soup that she made and for dinner she made me as shrimp Luis salad , man was it delicious . Teresa is coming back over after work to put me to bed , she is going to work out so great . Today was such a cool day . I met my new urologist who is actually a doctor and very knowledgeable . I was a little nervous but it turns out that he not only has several patients who are in chairs but gave me several pamphlets on people in chairs who got together and opened up by company and they also give advice . I seem to always have a problem with my SP tube or the tape making blisters on my tummy so my new caregiver brought me some tubular gauze and it seems to be working great so I told the doctor about it and he said that he is going to forward the information to a couple of his patients that have the same problem . After we left the urologist we went to Woodworm party store . Since I 'm in a chair I decided to be a queen for Halloween and convert my chair into a throne . My aunt went by the party store to see if they had a queen costume and they said that they didn 't but they took my number . A couple days later a lady called and said that they had ordered a costume for me and that it was in and that the owners would like to give it to me , no charge . When I got there and saw it I just couldn 't believe it , it was so beautiful . . . I couldn 't help but get a little teary eyed . That was such a sweet thing to do . The only thing that they asked is that I give them a picture of me in the costume . My cousin Rich is starting to build shelves in the garage . I feel bad for him because it is still kind of cluttered but I 'm really going to try to go through some of the stuff this weekend so he has room to work . He is even going to make me a little workbench that I can put my toolbox under , I love my tools . My uncle and aunt invited us over for lunch and of course it was a great and then Brodie and I took a trip to the lighthouse , to me it still is breathtaking . Today was the day of my wheelchair evaluation , I have been waiting for this for a long time . I actually got my new chair about eight months ago but have only been in it about six times . Every time I turned it on it starts beeping constantly and then shuts off and when I called Rehab Specialist they tell me it needs to be charged , make sure the charger is plugged into the wall and of course make sure the charger is plugged into the chair . . . I have been injured or 13 years now and I think I know how to charge of chair . It wasn 't until my nephew ran it into a parked car and I had to take it in to get fixed but they finally saw for themselves . While the guy was moving it around the shop it started beeping and shut off several times so he called the manufacturer and they told him how to fix it so he fixed it . When my mom went to pick it up the guy was driving it out of the van and it started beeping and shut off so they decided to keep it and found out that the driving mechanism was faulty so they ordered a new part . . . why does nobody listened to me ? I saw my new rehab doctor yesterday and she said she would be at the wheelchair evaluation , she wasn 't there . We were told that a representative from Rehab Specialist would be there , he wasn 't there . Luckily the OT showed up so we got to do the pressure mapping and she recommended a Roho cushion and wrote down everything else we wanted to change and we will go back and a couple of weeks when she can get somebody out there from Rehab Specialist . After my appointment on the way out of the hospital we just happen to run into Roger . Dr . Jet told me about Roger the day before , he has the support group . He said that he had a support group that was really going strong but that he really hasn 't had time to keep it going strong so it kind of fizzled out but he said he really wants to get one going again , I told him I would be glad to do anything I could to help and he was really excited . He 's going to call a bunch of peers to get together and decide how to go from there . Teresa came Posted by Today was a very productive day . I had an appointment with my new rehab doctor and she recommended a urologist . I also found a primary care doctor , my new primary care doctors nurse is my new part - time caregiver , and I have a wheelchair in evaluation for my new chair tomorrow . They are going to write me a prescription for a new bed frame , the one I have right now is not compatible with my rotating air mattress . During my appointment with Dr . Jet I mentioned that I used to go to a support group at Valley Medical Center and that I really miss it . She told me that they do have a support group at Dominican and she gave me the number of the guy that runs it . She said that there 's not a lot of females but that was a good group , I always seem to get along better with males anyway , I 'm really excited about the fact that I might be going to support groups again . Somebody told me that they had computer classes at the Senior Center so I want to find out more about that . My aunt happened to be going by so she stopped to talk to them and found out that the computer courses were only for seniors but they were looking for volunteers to teach them how to get on the Internet and maneuver their way around , I think I would like to do that so I am going to go down and see when they need volunteers . Heather came by today with some kind of fish called Cobia that she 's that you cannot buy and it sure tasted good , I looked it up and said that Cobia mostly feed on crab so you know if it has good taste it must taste good . She also brought some prawns and made some rice and some mixed sautéed vegetables , I can not brag about this woman enough . She made me another veggie wrap and she said she will be by tomorrow . A friend of mine told me about this site . They close down the AOL journals but I still have been able to write in it for a couple of days , I 'm waiting for them to throw me completely off - line . Meat while I was playing on Pogo and I heard that familiar sound that you hear when somebody at the comment to your journal , I was so excited when I heard it . I didn 't realize how much I began to care about these people that make a comment on my journal and how much I look forward to reading their comments every day . I 'm kind of Leary of getting into another journal and then having my heart broken again when they take it off line but I 'm going to give it a try . Thank you Betty . |
My hypnotherapist suggested for future sessions to find a photo of me at a time when I was happy with my weight . For me , that would be around 2001 - 2002 , so I started looking through photos to find one that I could post on my bathroom mirror . The problem with this time frame is that most about that part of my life I would rather forget . Going through those photos made me very emotional , but at the same time I am glad I brought those memories forth . Most of my life I was underweight . I believe I was around 80 pounds in high school . It wasn 't that I wanted to be that skinny . I had a high metabolism and could basically eat anything I wanted . My parents were like sticks , too . I was teased about it , but I was also teased about my first and last names , so it wasn 't too big of a deal to me . The only time it did bother me was when I went to Planned Parenthood to get birth control pills . I was constantly harassed about my weight , and kept being asked , " Do you like yourself ? Are you anorexic ? Do you want to throw up ? " I felt like I was part of the Spanish Inquisition . I thought , " If I had great self esteem when I came in , I 'm certainly feeling pretty ugly right now . " When I came to get my thyroid test results , I was told they were normal . However , the receptionist looked me up and down and told me I should eat some ice cream every night . One of the main symptoms of my anxiety is nausea , so junior high through 2000 , I didn 't eat much . If I went out to eat , I would be the nibbler . People would ask me if I didn 't like my food . I would have to have the " It 's not the chef , it 's me " conversation with the waiter . Sometimes I would have to leave the restaurant early because I would have a panic attack . I would just tell people I didn 't feel well . That was the easiest way to put it . Once I started taking Effexor , things started looking up . As I 've said in an earlier post , I started taking chances in my life . However , that does not mean that I made all the right decisions . On Valentine 's Day in 2000 , I came out to my car to find that someone had left me a rose and a balloon but no note . I had an idea of who left me these gifts , but I still asked my neighbor 's son if he had seen anyone . When I got to work , there was another rose , another balloon , and a Winnie the Pooh stuffed animal on my desk . A lot of people knew that I was a WP fan at the time , but I already knew who left these tokens of affection . It made me uneasy , especially since this person didn 't leave any hint as to who he was . He finally came clean and asked me out . I said I wasn 't interested in being anything other than friends . Truth be told , I was interested in someone else . Plus I felt E 's behavior was a bit stalker - like and it made me nervous . But E kept fighting back . He would bring me flowers ; he would ask me to lunch . When I finally relented , he asked me while we were eating , " Would you rather kiss a dog 's ass than me ? " I didn 't know how to answer . I told my dad about the conversation , and his answer was , " What kind of dog ? " I guess I 'm a sucker for determination , because I gave E a chance . But the whole time I felt it was wrong . When he called me drunk saying that he wouldn 't bother me anymore , I shouldn 't have called back . But I was mad , and I was also worried about E having alcohol poisoning . He initially answered the phone , but passed out halfway through . I called the police , and the information , of course , was played on the police scanner in the newsroom . Everyone knew my business . It was embarrassing . Yet I let E back in again . It was as though since I felt a new lease on life , I could take on this challenge . E had been in an emotionally abusive relationship before , and anything could set him off . If I made one peep about breaking up , or that I needed space , he went ballistic . He would threaten suicide and ask me to hit him because he said he deserved it . He was broken . And for some reason I wanted to try to fix him . So he came with me to Austin . E didn 't have a job , but luckily I did , so we were able to find a nice apartment . For a while it was nice , and the natural recourse was to get married . We ended up having a ceremony in Dallas , so that my grandmother would be able to attend . Since E and I had settled into a nice routine , I was enjoying life more and more , including the food that went with it . Both of us were picky eaters , so it was mostly carbohydrates for me . That , along with me getting older , slowed down my metabolism and I started gaining weight . I thought it was also because I was happy and in love . There were some bumps in the road . E had to have his thyroid removed because it was the size of Texas . Once it was removed and the doctor was trying to even out his hormones , E gained weight . He was a gymnast when he was younger and a cheerleader in high school , so he was very conscious about what he looked like . E became very depressed and started working out … all the time . I decided to try to get healthy with him , especially since our apartment complex had a gym . The first time I went he worked me on the elliptical machine so much that I threw up when I got home . At the time I was proud of myself , but I didn 't keep up the routine . E did and got in shape . And sometime during this transformation , he lost interest in me . It 's not all E 's fault . I didn 't really take good care of myself . I found myself thinking that E should love me for who I was , with all I did for him , that hygiene and weight shouldn 't matter . Instead , I found out it mattered very much , and it included a shouting match with E calling me " fat " and " a slob . " It went downhill from there . By the time E asked for a divorce , which he once swore he would never do , I was in shambles . We had switched self - esteem places from the beginning of the relationship . I was the one pleading with E to stay . Even though I knew in the back of my mind that this was the right thing for both of us , I was afraid to be alone again . I lost a few pounds after the marriage ended , but have since gained them all back , plus a few more . I know part of it is because I am very comfortable now with the way my life is going , but I also know part of it is because I don 't know how to eat right and I 'm not exercising . Both , I 've been told , can help my mood and my anxiety levels . I 've stopped and started many times , but so far nothing has stuck . So now I 'm going to try weight release with the hypnotherapist . I have found a photo , one where E does not have to be cut out . The last time I talked with E I found out that he had remarried and had children . I found out from his stepfather a year later that E 's mother had died . I am grateful that J told me because E 's mother was a wonderful woman who I think of often . I knew that she had Lupus and was in pain most of the time , but she always had a positive outlook on life . I 'm actually talking about yarn cakes . After I learned how to knit , I became fascinated by the process . Not just from casting on to binding off , but taking a skein of yarn … I haven 't made a cake in a while . I had forgotten how fun it is to watch the yarn swift whirl around and hear the click on the handle on the ball winder . It 's actually a bit of a soothing sound . I made a knit / hypnosis joke . Heh . I 'd better back it up with a photo of a recently finished project . My first baby vest ( made for a coworker ) . A month ago I went to my first hypnotherapy appointment . I basically contacted the hypnotist out of desperation . I had a lot going on in my life at the time , my antidepressant wasn 't working well , and I was having several panic attacks . The day came and I didn 't want to go . It wasn 't just that I was afraid of the unknown , it was also raining cats and dogs . For people who are not from Texas , there are many drivers here who forget how to operate their vehicles when the first drop of water hits the road . I left 45 minutes early and arrived 30 minutes late . Thankfully I took an anti - anxiety pill before I left the house , because the traffic was in gridlock the whole way . I had called P to let her know I was running late , and she let me know that the client before had to cancel because it had taken him 45 minutes to go about five feet . She asked me what I wanted to do , and I told her that I wanted to go ahead with the appointment . I was close by , albeit going at a snail 's pace , and it was going to take more than an hour to get back home . Plus , I was going to be mad at myself for not going . Before I went to the appointment , I filled out some paperwork . I had to answer questions that showed whether I was more of an auditory , visual , or kinesthetic person . The way I answered the questions , the results showed that I was more of a visual person . But P pointed out that the activities I engaged in ( knitting and spinning ) and the way I described my ideal place ( the beach ; with the sand between my toes and the sound of the waves crashing ) made me more of a kinesthetic person . She encouraged me to get back to kinesthetic activities : knitting , spinning , writing , etc . I actually got excited about P 's suggestions . It was like I was waiting for permission to do fun things . Do other people do that ? Put things off until someone tells you it 's OK to do something worthwhile ? But I digress . By the time the actual hypnosis started , I was at ease . And had hope . What she explained to me ( although I can 't remember much at the moment ) made so much sense . Why hadn 't I realized this before ? What was it that she said that clicked ? Is it just because I 've had enough ? I don 't know . So I made sure that I paid attention to P 's every word . She told me that the best thing to do was to repeat in my mind what she said to me . And I did . I tried my best to repeat every word . My legs felt weighted down . I focused on her voice . I was directed to visualize my ideal place . I oscillated between the beach , which I had described to P before , and a wide open field , with grass as green as emeralds and soft beneath my feet . And mountains in the background . I was actually picturing a location from LOST , where Hurley had set up a golf course . I 've always been awestruck by that location . And so that 's what came into my mind . But when I looked down at the ground , I also saw a picnic blanket with a wonderful variety of food … and Lee . And that 's when I knew that I was in my utopia . My partner was there , I was at peace , and when I opened my eyes again , I felt better . On the way home , the waterworks started . I know this is cliché , but it really was like a dam had broken . All these emotions that I had been bottling up , about all aspects of my life , I couldn 't hold back anymore . It didn 't start immediately . I had turned on the iPod on the way home and out of more than 2 , 600 songs , Alanis Morrissette came on . This time I felt like the " Uninvited " was anxiety , and I wanted to yell the chorus to the sky . I didn 't want to let anxiety into my life anymore . The tears streamed down my cheeks as I played the song over and over . It made me upset , but I also felt power for the first time in a long while . I am a stubborn person . I like to try to figure out things on my own . But when I started having panic attacks , I was too overwhelmed to be stubborn . I was having trouble in school , so my parents decided that I needed to see a counselor . I don 't remember his name , but he and I would take walks around the school and talk about various subjects , including my parents breaking up . I liked him because he didn 't hit me with " How does that make you feel ? " or " Tell me about your mother . " We just talked . When my mom and I moved back to Houston from upstate New York , we ended up back in our old house . It helped to have a support network right off the bat , but that didn 't ease my anxiety . Agoraphobia already had a tight hold on me . Outside of the school counselor which I mentioned in an earlier post , I saw a therapist once a week . His name is Dr . Patrick , and he was a very kind man . I saw him from the time I was in junior high until I graduated high school . The only time I talked to him about my anxiety was right before my graduation ceremony . I told him that I didn 't want to go , that I was nervous about being there in the auditorium with all those people and I wouldn 't be able to leave until the end of the ceremony , that my grandmother and grandfather would be there and I didn 't want to disappoint them . And I couldn 't answer . Because I couldn 't put my feelings into words . I didn 't know why I was nervous . All I knew is that I didn 't want to go to my own graduation . I didn 't feel excitement about celebrating my achievement . I just felt … dread . I ended up going to graduation , but under duress . I had thought about trying to escape . Taking the keys and sneaking out of the house and leaving a note . I actually ended up locking myself in the bathroom and arguing with my mother before I finally gave in . I don 't remember much of the ceremony , and there 's a lot I regret about that day . I regret most that it was the last time I saw Grandmommie alive . She died during my first semester of college . I saw Dr . Patrick one more time when I came home from college for a weekend . I pretended like everything was OK , but I ended up leaving the appointment halfway through , saying I wasn 't feeling well . Agoraphobia was becoming so prominent for me that even the hour - and - a - half drive between Houston and Huntsville made me sick to my stomach . I believe that after that visit , I didn 't come back to Houston for many years . I went to a few counselors on campus . We mostly talked about classes and relationships , but when I tried to talk about panic attacks , I hit a wall . One of the therapists kept trying to get me to talk about my past with my father every session , thinking that he was the one reason I felt scared to do anything . The more times she brought up the subject , the angrier I got . I stopped seeing her because I felt like we were going in circles . When my dad came for graduation weekend ( I did not attend the ceremony . Instead , I picked up both of my bachelor 's degrees from the registrar office . ) , he gave me From Panic to Power by Lucinda Bassett . After reading her book , I finally knew what was happening to me , but as much as the book enlightened me , I didn 't know how to put her teachings to use . Bassett talked about her program , Attacking Anxiety , so my parents ordered it for me and I tried it . I wish I could say it worked for me . In ways it did , because I found that when I tested my boundaries I would feel on top of the world for about 20 minutes and then I would crash into sobs . It was at that time that I went to a doctor and found out that I needed antidepressants . I had wonky brain chemistry . Once I found a medicine that set me on an even keel , I felt like the world had opened up for me . Two weeks later , I drove to Dallas for the first time . I had my first ( albeit short , but wonderful ) relationship in several years . I was happy . I had lived in Huntsville , TX , for ten years . I grew to love that city . To this day , I have fond memories of living there and I still have friends there who I keep in touch with . But I realized that I needed to move on . Huntsville had become my safe place , and I was feeling the pull to leave . So I moved to Austin . By that time I had met E , then my boyfriend , and he moved with me . At the time I was grateful that he came with me . To move to a new city by myself seemed like too much for my anxiety , but to have someone to be excited about the move and to help keep my emotions in check . After my divorce , when I felt like the world had turned upside down , I went to see psychiatrists . I first went to a psychiatrist who fell asleep during one of our sessions while I was talking . The second psychiatrist told me she was leaving her practice after a couple sessions . I finally found a psychiatrist who I clicked with and have been going to since . I searched for cognitive therapists and thought I found one . He had great ideas , he was very nice , but there was one thing I couldn 't get over : he kept adjusting himself . I saw him twice but that 's all I could take . I am now trying something new : hypnotherapy . I have gone to two sessions , and for the first time in a long time I have hope . I look forward to writing about what is going on . There are some people in your life that know when you need a little pick - me - up , even when you don 't know it . I had just had a meeting with my manager , whose last day will be the end of this week , and I was a little down . I checked my phone to see if anyone had called , and was greeted with the photo below . I used to think that being in a relationship would be too much work . I would say that if I ever got married , my husband and I would live in separate houses so that we could be together when we wanted . And then , when things got too much for me and I needed space to myself , I could go back to my house . Of course , that never happened . I found out I could cohabitate just fine in my first marriage , but when that relationship crumbled , the apartment seemed to close in on me . By that time , my anxiety and depression invaded my life again and pulled me down into the abyss . It took me a while to climb back up , but I did it . Once I was back living on my own , I decided to join MySpace to reconnect with friends and build a strong base around me . Every so often I would dwell about the divorce , and I even wrote a blog entry about it . I talked about how I was like a duck ; on the surface I looked calm , but my legs were going a mile a minute underneath the water . I thought it was a nice note and so I decided to write back to thank him . I didn 't expect him to write back , which he did . I also didn 't expect for one email exchange to blossom into a friendship , which it did . He never pressured me into anything else until I was ready . I had so many " what ifs " in my head . What if we 're not compatible ? What if he finds out he can 't live with some of my querks ? What if I have a panic attack on the way to his house and have to go back home and he 's disappointed ? What if we decide to live together and then break up ? What if my heart gets broken again ? But it turns out , just like anticipatory anxiety , things turned out not as bad as I feared . In fact , Lee has been the calm in my storm . And I have found that I can be calm for him , too , which I didn 't think was possible . Before Ambien , if I slept all day , I could blame it on my depression . I was too listless to get out of bed . Too sad to show my face to anyone . I would just hide my head under the covers until the feelings passed . It reminds me of a paper I wrote in college freshman English . What kind of animal would I want to be and why ? I wrote that I wanted to be a turtle . I wouldn 't have to travel far from my house ( in fact , I wouldn 't have to leave at all ) , and if I got scared I could retreat into my shell . And that 's what I would do . People would ask me at work what I did on the weekends , and I would say , " I just relaxed . " I didn 't tell anyone that I stayed in bed all day because I couldn 't face reality . In 2000 , I started taking Effexor , an antidepressant that initially worked for me , then seemed to be not enough when I was going through my divorce in 2002 - 2003 . I went to a psychiatrist , who added Lexapro to the mix . And while THAT worked in the beginning , it caused some problems later on when I started to feel better . Taking Effexor in itself has had many ups and downs for me . I have to take it with food , and if I don 't I face dire consequences . When I first started on this medication , I had to learn that the hard way . Which made me panic even more , so much so that I thought I was going to have to visit the ER . If I forget to take a pill , I face dire consequences as well . The next day , I am too sick to get out of bed . Nausea , shaking , depression , anxiety . Those are only some of the symptoms . I don 't even want to think of what missing more than one day would be like . I don 't like Effexor . Upping the dosage when I am having a hard time gives me acid reflux and headaches . Lowering the dosage makes me weepy . But it is the only medication that I have found so far that has worked for me . And I have tried a lot of different drugs . I didn 't start taking Ambien until I tried switching from Effexor to Cymbalta . You 've seen the commercials for Cymbalta . The people can 't do anything in the beginning . By the end of the commercial , they are enjoying life and their family , friends , and even pets are so appreciative . That 's not what happened to me . Even though my psychiatrist gave me a great plan to wean off the Effexor and ramp up the Cymbalta so that I wouldn 't suffer withdrawals , I crashed . I was so depressed every day that tears leaked at the most mundane moments . And to top it all off , I started to have insomnia . I thought the best move was to take something to help me sleep , which would help my mood , instead of just going back to Effexor . Silly girl . That was about five years ago . I am now back on Effexor at the dosage that I know I have to stay at , no matter what is going on around me , yet I can 't get to sleep without Ambien . In fact , I now am dependent on some Clozenapam as well as Ambien to get to sleep . But that 's beside the point . I 'm an Ambien addict . I know I am . I 've tried to wean myself off of it , and the withdrawals are horrible . Yet I know I need to get off of it . And I also need sleep . But not as much as I got on Sunday . It 's a vicious circle . And I 'm dizzy . I started knitting because I wanted to learn a new hobby . I loved to read and listen to music and to work all kinds of puzzles ( Hello PennyPress ! ) , but I was yearning to do something more creative . And at the time , Stitch n ' Bitch was becoming all the rage . Luckily I met someone who loved to knit and taught me how in the break room at work . I didn 't realize that I would come to love knitting not only because of the beautiful yarns and patterns , but also because it was therapeutic . . . in ways I never imagined . One of the most vivid memories is when I went to an outdoor concert with Lee and his sister and brother - in - law . I was excited because I had never seen Ween before , but nervous because we were away from home in a venue I had never been before and there were going to be a lot of people there . I brought knitting with me to work on while we waited for the show to start . The show was packed . At first I was fine and was having a great time , but then I started feeling anxious . I didn 't want to ask Lee to leave the concert because he was having a great time , but at the same time I felt trapped . I felt nauseous and my heart was pounding . I was dizzy and had a hard time catching my breath . I told Lee I was going to stand away from the crowd for a bit to get some air . I found a place by the entrance gate and sat down . Then I pulled the project from my bag and started to knit . There were some curious onlookers , and even one woman who took my picture , but all I cared about was following the pattern . Knit the knits ; purl the purls . The methodical winding of yarn around needles and pulling it through over and over . My restless thoughts started to settle . I was able to breathe . My panic attack had passed . Spinning I picked up much later . At first I found it very frustrating , but I was told that there would come a time when I would just GET it . And I did . So now I can sit at my wheel and just watch the fibers pull from my fingers and twist into yarn . It 's mesmerizing , really . And Lee has gotten into the dyeing process , so it 's fun to see how his colors intertwine . On Pins and NeedlesPanic Across the Pond April 10 , 2016Last year , my stepmother said that her wish for her 60th birthday ( which is in June ) would be for L and me to come to see her and Dad . Initially , we said yes because we hadn 't seen them in a year and 60 is a milestone . L and I talked about it more and more , [… ] mbdwilsonColorado February 5 , 2015I looked at my blog a couple of days ago , and realized that I haven 't written anything in three years . Three years . I guess I could say that the first year didn 't give me much to write about , but I can 't say that about this past year . It 's been full of adventure . Why ? Because my husband and [ … ] mbdwilsonToo Many Thoughts November 27 , 2012It 's almost midnight , and I 'm not focused . I don 't know what to write about . My head is filled with thoughts that tumble around like clothes in a dryer , sometimes sticking together . Over and over . Sometimes I don 't mind it , but other times , like tonight , they are all screaming at me and won 't quiet down . I [ … ] mbdwilsonNational Blog Posting Month Create a free website or blog at WordPress . com . • On Pins and Needles Create a free website or blog at WordPress . com . Post to |
( My phone went off at around one in the morning . I answered on the first ring . ) S : Even for you , that was low . W : You read the papers , I take it . S : Why ? W : Because I could . What difference does it make ? S : Of course it makes a difference , the man 's dead . W : The man beat the hell out of his daughter and tore her down for years . He 's not going to be missed . S : You think just because it 's justified in your mind , that makes it right ? You think you can just go around and do whatever you want ? W : If it gets the job done . S : You 're a fucking child , you realize that ? W : I do what needs to be done . I 've always done what 's needed to be done . S : What , like kill your entire unit just to get a couple of low - life scumbags ? W : Or rat out one guy to bring down an entire drug ring . ( pause ) S : . . . Excuse me ? W : We were getting nowhere on that case . Families were being terrorized . That mob was leveling the whole freakin ' suburb . They would 've destroyed everything if I didn 't do what I did . S : You sold out Mickey . . . W : Three years of time and resources and all it took was one anonymous phone call that brought them down . ( pause . When I speak again , my voice is shaking . ) S : And in doing that , Eric confined himself to a desk . You realize the impact of that ? If he hadn 't done that , he wouldn 't have been assigned to our case . If he hadn 't been assigned to the case , he wouldn 't have gotten kidnapped . Which means Lizzie never would have gone into that warehouse , which means she and Eric would still be alive , and we 'd all still be at the station , alive and well . Did you ever think about that ? ( pause ) S : So you mean to tell me that the reason I 'm on the run , the reason my throat is fucked , my partner is dead , and my sanity is all but gone , was all because you decided to be a fucking hero ? Is that what you 're telling me ? W : You give me way too much credit . S : Sounds like I 'm giving you the credit you deserve ! W : Lizzie was being stalked by Slender Man , she would 've died anyway . S : You don 't know that ! W : Don 't I ? Come on , Zee . You 've been at this long enough to know tPosted by I knew this would happen . Since he found me in April and got involved in this , I knew there was going to come a point where he would snap and pull something like this . When you 're desperate , you take whatever help you can get , but even then , you can never really trust them , not completely . I 've never completely trusted Wren , and I 'm sure that 's been evident . I just hoped it would hold until after I had figured out a solution . . . guess not . … When I joined the force a few years ago , Wren Stephanos was one of SWAT 's demolition experts . I met him after I had been on the force about a month , when his team was assigned to take down a target on a case I had been working on . When they brought him in for interrogation , he saw me get a little . . . well , vocal while interrogating . I guess that was a good sign for him . When I was finished three hours later , he was sitting at my desk with a cup of coffee and a cinnamon raisin bagel . " Not bad , " he said , as I took both . " You 've got a flair for this kind of thing . Hope you stick around . " After that , he and I hung out some , usually after work , either grabbing a drink or playing some pool . We were never " best friends " , but we got pretty chummy , which wasn 't entirely uncommon but still a sight , mainly from those who knew Wren a while . He was the humor to my seriousness ; he would always crack jokes , and he was one hell of a prankster . He was the kind of guy who would sneak tiny explosives in people 's cigarettes that would explode when they were inhaling , put whoopee cushions in chairs , and put the occasional laxative into people 's coffees . But of course , there was that other side . He was known to be a particularly brutal officer . One time his team and I were dealing with a hostage situation ; bank robbery gone wrong , you know the deal . The chief was trying to negotiate with the lead robber , this massive man with a mother complex , all coked out and out of his mind . Negotiations were going south , the guy was losing his cool . . . and then Wren just pulls out his gun and shoots him in tPosted by Roger Armeen died last night , around eleven - thirty . Authorities on the sight found him in his bed with a bed sheet tied around his neck . Probably would 've been ruled as a suicide if the place didn 't look like a war zone . As of now , according to the news , there is no suspect , and no clues to go off of . He 's out there all alone , no one around would 've seen anyone go in or out . Too easy . " So . . . we can 't kill him ? " " Not according to her . " I was downing a couple shots that night , on a right old bender . It was about a week or so after the interview , I had finally gotten around to letting Wren listen to them . Mary had gone out for supplies , so it was just us . " I can 't buy that . " Wren had been pacing back and forth . I remember he had been looking really sick since we had come up to Vermont . He was paler than normal , and those bags under his eyes were growing . A lot of his playfulness had been disappearing as of late ; he was edgier , jumping at small noises , and always pacing . " No , there 's gotta be something - " " Well , there isn 't . She was very insistent on that . " " So , what , we give up ? After everything it took to get us this far ? " " Look , I 'm really tired . Can you leave it be ? " That stopped his pacing . " Oh , sorry , old man . Want me to tuck you into bed ? Get you soup ? Maybe turn your Golden Girls on - " " Listen . " I stood up . " The past year , I have been shot at , hunted , lied to , and every good thing I had , every viable lead , shot down . I almost died in the middle of some basement in Nowhereland . Since February , I have been up to my neck in religious zealot supernatural bullshit . I 'm physically and mentally exhausted , Wren , and I 'm ready to just kick back and welcome the fucking apocalypse . I 'm done . " I downed another shot , hoping that was the end of it . Naturally , it wasn 't . " Well then , " and there was a definite shift in tone as he spoke ; darker , venomous almost . " Well then , well then . So this is how the journey ends . When the great Zeke Strahm gives up , we are all well and truly fucked , aren 't we ? " " Oh , just shut up , you asshole . " " Never can finish what he started - " " Oh , what , like you ? Like with Keaton ? We said we 'd take care of that civilly , and I seem to recall , you were the one who broke his toes ! " " I got what we needed to know ! " " You didn 't get us anything ! " " Well , I did a hell of a lot more than you would 've done ! I 'm noticing that I 'm pretty much thePosted by I know it 's been a while . Only a couple things have really changed . We 're still in Vermont , but just Mary and me . Wren skipped out a couple of weeks after the interview , and I haven 't heard from him since . I 'll get into that more in the next post . And . . . well , the reason I haven 't posted this part in a while is because . . . I was scared to , really . Listening to the tape , I wondered if I was ready to let everyone else know about it . And even here , I don 't talk about everything ; I left some parts out , not ready to let people know about that . But I 'm posting it . I can 't hold onto it forever . So . . . take it , think what you want with it . ( This last part doesn 't focus on Mary as much . She decided she wanted to ask me a few questions . This was about thirty minutes after my throat acted up . ) S : Thanks . M : It 's okay . ( pause ) M : I didn 't realize I would cause this kind of country - wide panic . . . S : We don 't know that for sure . It could have just been a coincidence . M : Yeah . I just happened to cause the deaths of the people who could contain him the same time he started being noticed by everyone . What a coincidence . ( pause ) M : When did he start for you ? S : Heh . . . if you want to get technical , the start was when I was a child until I was around twelve . He haunted me my entire childhood . M : Why ? S : No idea . Still don 't . He stopped when I moved to the city . We used to live out in the woods , we moved when I was thirteen . M : Just like that ? He just stopped because you moved ? S : Told you , I have no idea why he stopped . I don 't even know why he started . And then last year when he came back . . . well , I don 't know if it was for me or not . M : Why 's that ? S : Because he didn 't come straight for me . He took three kids and had his lackey butcher four more and went after Lizzie before he even showed himself to me . For all I know , it wasn 't about me at all . M : He really was after her again . S : I don 't know how long he was affecting her . . . I should have paid more attention . . . she had been getting better before the night we went into that warehouse . . . if she had just listenePosted by ( This next part is later that afternoon . She had mostly calmed down by this point , and was ready to talk again . ) M : Sorry … S : It 's fine . Now , you said you saw his real form . Do you remember what it was ? M : There 's no word in our language for something like that , nothing to compare it to … it 's massive , though , the biggest thing I had ever seen , bigger than any animal or human I had ever met … it had so many arms … and its face … S : It 's real form has a face ? M : I guess this world can 't support it or it must 've figured it couldn 't get what it wanted , go into public like that … so it takes that human form to move around freely , come and go … S : And no one else knows about it ? M : If the priests knew , they never said anything . They interrogated me about my encounter for hours afterwards , but I never told them what I had seen … I guess that ironically let them believe I could be trusted . S : And Lizzie ? M : My parents didn 't want to risk it , not after he almost killed me . So they called off the ritual . We stayed around long enough to be sure she was off his radar , then we had to move on . S : And you never saw her again ? M : No . We exchanged letters a few times , but life goes on . I 'm sure you know that . S : So you stayed with them until three years ago . M : Yeah . . . we had a bit of a . . . falling out . S : Meaning what ? ( pause ) S : Mary - M : I killed them . S : Who ? M : They . . . they found out I had been helping children targeted for sacrifice escape the rituals . See , after what happened , I didn 't want to think about kids being . . . I just couldn 't bear it , not after that . So . . . I started helping some get away . Not many , one or two at a time , not enough to attract suspicion . But that last one . . . half their supply got away , just in time for some anniversary ritual . They . . . didn 't like that . My parents were terrified . They knew if the priests ever found out , then all of us would 've been offered up . My father said that Slender Man was angry at everyone . . . my mother told me that I was going to be offered instead . . . I wasn 't going to let that happenPosted by ( The following is part one of my interview with Mary . Wren was out in the town , so it was just the two of us . The entire conversation was recorded so that I could listen to it instead of recite the entire thing from memory . ) S : NameM : Mary Irene GallagherS : And your role in this ? M : … My role ? S : You . Your parents . Why you 're here now . M : My parents were priests in a subsection of a cult organization that worships an eldritch abomination . Their role was to go around to different sections across the country and make sure they were up to par with our standards . S : And what sort of standards needed to be met ? M : That rules and guidelines were being followed . That the leaders had a firm hand on their communities . That those communities were all devout . That the sacrifices were being made . Basic stuff . S : And these cults are all over the country ? M : It used to be . It 's died out a lot in recent years . You 'd be lucky to find a solid group of people that still believe and pray together . S : Why 's that ? M : Hard to keep a religion going when the thing they 're worshipping keeps killing off whole communities in fits of rage . S : So mostly gone then . M : Some exist . The big one in Indiana held on until fairly recently . I don 't think this religion as a whole is all that big now . S : You were involved with the Indiana cult ? M : Matthew Wilcox was an important figure in it for a long time . My parents were friendly with him and the other head priests there . S : You knew Damien O ' Connor then . M : Might have met his parents . Can 't really remember . A lot of the names are a blur to me . S : And how long were you with this cult ? M : I reached the position of associate pastor in two thousand and . . . three , I think ? I ended up leaving in two thousand eight . S : Why ? M : ( laughs ) Why not ? My whole life was spent seeing children ripped from their families and lined up for slaughter . Why wouldn 't I leave ? S : You weren 't brainwashed like them … M ; My parents tried , it didn 't work . When I was a kid , yeah , I was proud of my family 's involvement . As I grPosted by When I was a kid , my parents used to take me to this family resort up in the mountains of Vermont . For ten years I spent a week of my summer there , hiking , swimming , playing with the occasional friend or two I would make up there , if only for a week . It was one of the only times I ever remembered being happy as a kid , being relaxed , being almost normal . We stopped going towards the end of my time in high school , since college put a lot more on my plate and I didn 't have the time to devout a week out of my schedule to come up here . Despite all the years I was up here , I only ever ventured into the town of Stowe once or twice ; once with family , once with a group of friends I had made that week . It 's a small town , I don 't think too many people live there , but the people who do I remember were friendly enough , and it seemed like a hot spot for a lot of passerby 's . So it was weird driving into town to find it completely bare , not a soul in the streets . I parked it outside the post office and stepped out . Spooky . Almost like the place had turned into a ghost town . Maybe they had had a bad summer season , I don 't know . I found Wren 's car outside of the general store , empty . His was the only car on the whole street . I parked up alongside him and got out . Keys were in the ignition . Alright , I thought , he had to be in there . I stepped inside . The general store was pitch dark . I hit the light switch , no dice . Electricity was out , though I haven 't gotten to check if it was the whole town or not . It 'd be hard for me to believe that Slender Man had the whole town cleared out , but then again , Indiana proved he had a bit more influence than that . It was at this point that I had my handgun out . I hadn 't seen or heard anything yet that there was something to worry about , but then again , I hadn 't seen or heard anything to convince me that all was well in this town . I took a couple steps further inside when - " Who are you ? " Probably jumped a foot in the air when she said that . I turned around and there she was , staring at me , with a fuckPosted by I don 't even know how it happened . Celeste had been quiet for most of the night , the others had been out and about , and I was laying in my bed looking at that cross and wondering if such a thing as a " constant " actually existed and doubting it every time the possibility arose . Stuff like that happened on TV , not in situations like this . It suddenly hit me that it was very quiet in that place . . . a bit too quiet . Normally Celeste or Violet or someone was making noise in the kitchen , but this night . . . nothing . I knew Celeste was still here , unless she had stepped out . . . I pocketed the crucifix and went to check . She was out on the porch , sitting in one of the chairs . Not doing anything , just sitting . She was looking out at the sky but she wasn 't really seeing it , at least , not from what I could tell . I stepped outside to talk to her . And then things just got weird . " There you are . Quiet tonight , " I said . She didn 't answer . The thought crossed my mind that she was angry at me , and I tried to remember if I had done anything other than not wear that crucifix , but nothing was coming to mind . That stopped me dead . She had yelled at me plenty of times in the last couple of months , but flat - out say I 'm pathetic ? And in such a calm manner ? That was a first . " You heard me . " She turned to me , this cold look in her eyes . " You 're pathetic . Do you even realize it ? You parade around with this hero act , claiming to save lives , and at the same time you line people up to get sacrificed to what you 're trying to kill . People like Lizzie . " She stood up , and I tried to stop her , but she just repeated that order in an even more harsh tone . And then I realized she was burning up ; her skin felt like it was on fire . I wasn 't even touching her and I could feel it radiating off of her . We moved into the kitchen . She placed her hand on the counter and I saw it jerking at random moments like crazy . " Why do they do it ? " she asked , not necessarily to me , not necessarily to anyone . " Why do they run ? Why do they fight ? They know it 's a lost cause , they know there 's no hope , and they keep fighting this pointless battle . And their only reward for their stubbornness ? Death . " Celeste , knock it off , " I demanded . I couldn 't figure out why she was acting like this ; this wasn 't her , not one bit . For however annoying she could be at times , she didn 't have an evil bone in here . . . and she wasn 't this haughty . . . She ignored me . " And the best part about it ? They all flock to you to save them . And you 're just as lost and confused as they are . You , I understand you all too well . I see right through your front that you keep up - " I thought I sounded angry , at least , that 's the tone I had in my head , but upon reflection I think I had a little fear mixed in there with it . I think she knew it too , because for one moment , just one , she snapped out of whatever the hell was happening to her . What I got next , though , wasn 't much better . She suddenly started screaming and almost fell , but didn 't . . . and I realize how stupid that sounded , but it was like she couldn 't fall . If that makes sense . It doesn 't , I know . But it was like something was keeping her up , keeping her from falling down . Like she was being held up by strings or something . " Help me , " she pleaded , her voice a whisper . " I understand . I see them . All of them , from before , from now , into forever . All of them , forever running , forever chasing something they don 't understand , not being allowed to escape it , not being allowed to die , not truly , not completely . Over and over and over , the cycle never stops . . . " I ran over to help her , though how I planned to , I have no idea . Slender Man , or Practical Cat , or someone related to one or the other , had taken control of her , possessed her , brainwashed her , something , somehow . It wasn 't new news , that Slender Man could do something like that , but this was different , this was something that I hadn 't seen before . What did that indicate ? That he was getting stronger ? Not a pleasant thought . She suddenly let out the most shrill scream yet ; she hadn 't even screamed this loudly when her stitches has broken in that hospital months ago . She writhed and struggled but it wasn 't enough that she could break out of my hold , me being a cop who was used to putting down guys a lot bigger and heavier than her . Probably the worst bit was when her nails raked across the back of my neck , deep enough to draw some blood , but as bad as that was I didn 't let go , or weaken , not for one second . At that point Violet and Riley came through the door , hearing what sounded like a horror movie and seeing what probably looked like Armageddon as soon as the door was open . Of course I got bombarded with questions right off the bat . Of course I ignored them as I made Riley help me carry Celeste back to her bed and tucked her in . I know what you 're thinking : after that , no wonder I bugged out of there . Well , as bad as that was , I would 've been fine sticking around a little longer . Hell , especially after that , I would have stuck around to figure out what had happened . " Where the hell have you been ? " I hissed , keeping my voice low so the others wouldn 't hear me . " You don 't call me for almost two months , how the hell am I supposed to know you 're alright - ? " " Stowe , " I finished for him . I knew exactly where he was . It seemed almost fitting that this adventure would take me back up there . " Okay , give me a week and I 'll be up there - " " A week ? Zee , I don 't know how long she 's staying , and it 's not like I can stop her from going if she wants . You want her , you need to get up here now . " " Wren , Celeste just got attacked , possessed , I don 't know what you call it , but she was just reenacting the Exorcist and freaking the fuck out . She 's unconscious in her room right now . You really think I can just bug out of here right now ? " " And I 'm not in the mood for your bleeding heart sympathies right now . You wanted this girl , you wanted to know what she knows , then you get up here . Otherwise , you can stay down there taking care of your pedophilia clause and she takes off , and then I 'm not even going to bother finding out where she goes next , because I gave you your opportunity and you didn 't take it . So what 's it going to be ? " I cursed . Of course he was right , I had been searching for this girl for eight months with no leads and now I had her right in the palm of my hand . And Celeste would be okay with Violet . . . right ? Of course she would . Violet wouldn 't let her get hurt . Probably better than I would . Celeste was going to college . And I still had a job to do elsewhere . I stayed that last night in a sleeping bag in her room to make sure she was alright . I don 't think I slept much , if at all . In the morning , I told Violet I was leaving ( she didn 't like that one bit , and made it very apparent ) , packed my stuff , visited Celeste one final time , and then was almost home free when Violet stopped me one more time . I almost didn 't . I almost stayed . It would feel right , after all , to stay and make sure she was okay . But I had stayed long enough . She didn 't bother arguing . We 're both way too stubborn for that , we realize that at this point . But she came up to me and put my cross back into my hand ; the same one I had just used to save Celeste . " She gave it to you , " she said . " She wanted you to have it . That may not mean anything to you , but if you care about her at all , you 'll take it . " We had also been around each other long enough for me to know that she could be kind of terrifying when angry . Especially when she was right . So I pocketed it , said farewell , and left . It 's funny , during my months here in Maryland , I 've come to view this place almost like an alien world that had slowly become home . Now I truly was going home , back north , back to familiar territory . And in this case , back to territory that was very near and dear to me . I wish I could tell you there was a reason for the absence . That there was an attack , that someone had died , that Octopus Man had showed up and caused some havoc , anything like that . I could say that . But it 'd be just me telling a good story to entertain the masses . No , things have been quiet since the incident with Keaton . Too quiet , in fact . Not much left for me to do here , I think Celeste will be able to survive without me before long . I mainly just walk around Ocean City by myself . Nothing 's happened , but lately I 've just been feeling down on my luck , and no amount of whiskey purchased from the nearby liquor store has been able to make me feel better so far . Wren hasn 't called . Not even to check in . That worries me a bit . As much of a pain as he is , the one thing he is is reliable . But no calls since he left . I don 't know if he just can 't or if someone 's stopped him from checking in . Somehow I can 't make myself believe he 's dead ; otherwise I 'd have heard of a massacre of cops and agents by now . If Wren was gonna go down , he wouldn 't do it without making a big mess . Things are feeling tense at Celeste 's Haven . Nothing 's happened , just this uneasy feeling hanging over the heads of the people who are still here . Like we 're expecting something to happen . Good or bad . Whatever . I 'll see if Celeste is ready to update soon . It 's hard to really pinpoint a moment where a situation gets away from you . You could have everything perfectly under control , have the world at your fingertips , have not a care in the world . And then in one moment , one random event , or one random person , comes along and everything goes to hell . I don 't know where to begin . So I 'm just going to start with this : We decided to hunt for Keaton . And we found him . Mind you , it took time . Finding one man in this state is like trying to find a needle in a stack of needles ; it 's not like Massachusetts down here . We 've scoured every public place a person might hole up in , every bar , every club , everywhere . We finally got word that he was stationed in some office building in D . C . Not the FBI building , otherwise , I wouldn 't even attempt it ; even we 're not crazy enough to go right into the FBI building . We went in the middle of the day , but for some reason , when we arrived , there was no one in the building . Looking back , I suppose it was set up for us that way . Either by Keaton , or … well , you 'll see . Wren was the one who decided to split up . I didn 't think it 'd be too good an idea , but it was the middle of the day and there were people outside walking around . Maybe it wouldn 't be too bad . " Just chill , I 'll be in touch , " he told me as he pushed the button for the elevator . " Get back to me in one piece , " was all I said . He just winked as the doors slid closed . Having gone through Conaghan 's warehouse twice and the red building once , all by myself , the loneliness shouldn 't have bothered me as much . The hard fact was , though , that after a couple of months down in Maryland I had gotten used to having people consistently in my daily life again . That was my biggest mistake . I was alone again . And my nerves were acting up . I searched two floors before I finally found him . It was pure happenstance ; I had checked an office that really was nothing but a room filled with tables stacked together and looked down at the window . So many people were passing by , but none oPosted by My life isn 't exactly one of fairy tales and ponies , and especially not one of happiness . But you guys knew that already . It 's been very hard for me to feel like a regular person , what with my hating humanity and everything in it . Lizzie was always ever the only person I could tolerate for long periods of time , and whenever I was with her , I felt . . . well , normal . Happy , even . Looking back on it , the carnival was the last time I felt like that . And since she 's been gone , I haven 't been able to replicate that . Until , surprisingly , the other night . I had gone out to check on Celeste , who had been away from the room for longer than she probably should have . I found her at the beach looking out at the sky , listening to her music . I think she knew I was there , but she didn 't acknowledge me . Not at first . The night sky on the beach is beautiful . Like I said before , maybe once upon a time Lizzie and I could have come down here , and whenever I look up at those stars more and more I think this would have been the place for the two of us to have made some kind of a life together . When you lay back on the sand and look up , all you see are stars and all you hear are waves . You feel like you can tumble right out of the world , into the sky . Which isn 't too bad a thought sometimes . She suddenly pulled her earplugs out and let the music play out over the speakers , which brought a smile to my lips at how goofy it was . And she laughed . . . really laughed . It had been so long since I had heard a laugh that was not bitter , not forced , not compressed due to the situation we were in . A genuine laugh . A wave crashed , and brushed against the hem of the dress she was wearing , causing her to freak a bit , which in turn caused me to laugh . She pouted - her little chipmunk face pout , as Wren called it - and then she did something I didn 't expect ; she took my hands , and she led me into a dance . Dancing on that beach . . . never thought I 'd ever see myself doing anything like that , but there I was , actually enjoying it . I guided her , spinning her around , occasioPosted by " How much longer are we stuck here for ? " " Until we don 't need to be . " Wren groaned . I tried to ignore it . It was all I could do to keep from tearing the room apart by the realization that I had been reduced from hunting for clues to baby - sitting . " I don 't know why you 're bitching , you agreed to come down here . " " I agreed to help you keep an eye on things , not move boxes and spend hours in a car with you , the Runaway Picasso , and Pukey the Chipmunk . Three hours a drive with two women is no picnic . " " Why ? " " Because women talk about things that even I don 't care enough to hear - " " No , I mean , why chipmunk ? She doesn 't look like a chipmunk . " " Yeah she does . When she puffs her face and gets all annoyed and stuff , she looks like a chipmunk . You never noticed ? " " Can 't say I have , no . " She is a tiny little thing , though . Red head , glasses , and very short ; she comes up to about my chest , and up to Wren 's stomach . She 's got a fire in her eyes , though ; haven 't seen a girl this vivacious since Lizzie , and that 's a plus . And yeah , when she does that face , I GUESS she looks like a chipmunk . Again , I never really noticed . " I 'm bored , Zee . Seriously , there 's nothing to do in this dump . " " Really ? Because right now , it looks like you 're playing Call of Duty and shit - talking eight - year - olds . " " I 'm thirty - eight and seven with a gunship in my pocket , " he grinned at me and then reached for the mic . " Hey , Junior , it 's a video game , calm down before you shoot your pants . " " And it 's not so bad here . We 're right next to the beach . It 's nice . " " Yeah , well , the humidity seems to disagree with you . " I ignored him . Humid weather aside , it was nice down here . Plenty of places to go for walks , to clear my head . Not so much worry for my own safety , at least , not where we are . Given that things could go south at a moment 's notice , I don 't let my guard down . But maybe in another life , I could have come down here with Lizzie , had a vacation spot , maybe even have lived here . Maybe I would have still met Celeste . Who knows ? Definitely not me . " Daw , rage quit kids end Posted by One year . One year since that mass break - out from prison . One year since Conaghan retreated into the warehouse . One year since I went in after him and discovered the most terrifying creature imaginable . And one year since Lizzie was taken from me . I never got to go to the funeral . Did I ever tell you guys that ? At that time , I was more concerned with keeping myself alive and out of Slender Man 's sight . I regret it now . I wonder who went . The chief , obviously , and a few of her friends and probably the entire department , for that matter . But not her father . Not Eric . And certainly not me . And here I am , in Maryland , trying to figure out a solution , but going nowhere fast . I need her . She was the brains . She always knew what to do . Now she 's away from all this and I 'm stuck trying to pick up the pieces . It 's almost poetic . . . Next chance I get , I 'm going to visit her grave . Maybe find some closure . ' Til then , I 'm still here , I 'm still alive . I guess that counts for something . Celeste will update sometime this week . . . maybe even tonight . Who knows . . . . I love you , Lizzie . I miss you so much . Hopefully I 'll see you soon . Before I go into what happened after , I should finish up my arrival in the hospital room . We sat in silence for a few moments . She knew what I wanted to ask , and I knew she was going to resist , but I had to see for myself . Not just to judge the damage , but needed to see the proof that things had really escalated this far . " Let me see , " I said . She shook her head . " Celeste , " I said again , " let me see . " " No . " Violet interrupted in order to give Celeste back her rosary , but it didn 't make me lose my resolve . I had to see it for myself . She was in pain , I realized that , but I just had to see . She saw that I wasn 't going to give in . " Zeke , don 't make me , " she begged , and I think that made me soften a bit , hearing how tired she sounded , how defeated . " I 'm sorry . " And I was . But the sooner I saw it , the sooner I could get to work . She finally showed me , and when she did I made sure to be as gentle as I could be with her . But there it was , that large fucking scar on the back of her neck , his mark like a god damn target sign . I cursed under my breath as I touched it as gently as I could . Not gentle enough . She screamed and pushed her face into the pillow . Violet gave me that look that Lizzie used to give me whenever I had screwed up big time , so I put my hand on her back to try and comfort her . I dunno if it worked or not . I like to think it did . Then I went into the interrogation . What happened , how she was attacked , was there anyone else involved , that sort of deal . What she gave me was what I already knew , but double - checking always helped . Practical Cat was by himself , as far as we knew , and he was strong enough to at least take control over her long enough to do . . . whatever he wanted . No one really knew what else he had done . I certainly was okay not knowing . This was a big job . Not only was I going against Practical Cat , but Keaton and whomever else the FBI had sent out here were still around . Sorry , folks , but if I 'm really gonna do this , I need to call help . I went outside to make the call ; I didn 't want Posted by Drove down to Maryland the other day . If you 're unaware of why , or you just don 't follow what 's going on in the world , well , that 's your prerogative , but basically what happened was Ms . McLachlan decided she was going to try and take on her proxy problem head - on . Obviously it didn 't work out , otherwise I wouldn 't be down here . She 's alive , but she 's in bad shape . Broken toe , dislocated shoulder , defensive wounds on her wrist , and a hell of a lot of blood on the outside that should be on the inside . That , and an operator symbol on the back of her neck that her proxy carved into her skin . That 's one part of Wren 's story accounted for , though I wouldn 't call that good news . Maybe you saw the fight we had before she left . Maybe you didn 't . Maybe you don 't care . Regardless , here I am , and I 'll stick around for a little while until she gets better . Not permanent , but long enough . Maryland , Jesus , it 's almost as bad as Indiana , but at least it 's not overrun with cultists . . . as far as I know . Everyone seemed decent enough , less conspicuous than the people at Damien 's workplace were . I went up to the receptionist 's desk and asked for Celeste 's room . " Are you family ? " she asked me . " Close enough , " I replied . Hey , I baby the girl enough , don 't I ? " Third floor , room 42 . I 'll take you . " I turned around and was face to face with a brown - haired , brown - eyed , and very pissed off girl behind me , speaking to her but looking right at me . She looked a very artsy type , stick - thin , very frail - looking , not too formidable at a glance , yet still looked very , very capable of pulling a gun on someone who disagreed with her . This , I hastily deduced , must be Violet . The attendant opened her mouth to protest but we had already left her behind . I hurried my pace , half to get there as quickly as I could , half to try and avoid this girl that was giving me a death glare . For as sickly as she looked , though , she knew how to keep up . " So , are you him ? " she asked me . " Are you going to hit me if I say yes ? " Should I be afraid of a little girl ? Posted by The following conversation took place at one in the morning , when I was having trouble sleeping . The nightmares which had over time started to ease up had come back even worse since I got back from Indiana . Figuring it 'd be more productive than trying fruitlessly to get sleep I decided to pick up the phone and make the call . He picked up after the second ring . W : You took your time . S : Can you really blame me ? W : No , not really . I 'm just glad you called at all . ( pause ) S : How did you get caught up in all this ? W : ( sighing ) well , I got out back in October . After some time kicking around , I decided to see how you were doing . Maybe see if you and Lizzie had tied the knot or something . Took me a week after that , but I eventually found out about everything that happened with the Conaghan case . I 'm sorry , by the way . S : Yeah , so am I . Thanks , though . W : So then I found out about your blog and I read about that guy you were seeing , that Slender Man . How he took those kids , how Lizzie was stalked , how Eric was taken . All that was just to get to you . I wonder why . S : Get in line . ( pause ) S : So you never doubted the story ? Never thought it was just some ghost tale that I drove myself insane , over ? W : You 're a lot of things , Zee , some good , some not , but a liar ? A faker ? Nah , not you . You never were that good with telling stories . Besides , Lizzie believed , didn 't she ? If Lizzie believed it , it had to be true . S : You put more faith in her intuition than I did , then . W : She was the smartest woman I ever knew . That girl saw things no one else could . She was sharp . You and I both learned a lot from her , don 't try to deny it . ( pause ) W : Anyway , after that , I started questioning things . Started questioning everything , really . Questioning your reality , my reality , everyone 's reality . And then I started seeing things a little more clearly . And then I did the stupid thing and decided I wanted to know more . S : ( laugh ) Didn 't anyone tell you never to do that ? That 's like asking to be killed . W : No kidding . You know , that warning comes way too late . ThePosted by |
( My phone went off at around one in the morning . I answered on the first ring . ) S : Even for you , that was low . W : You read the papers , I take it . S : Why ? W : Because I could . What difference does it make ? S : Of course it makes a difference , the man 's dead . W : The man beat the hell out of his daughter and tore her down for years . He 's not going to be missed . S : You think just because it 's justified in your mind , that makes it right ? You think you can just go around and do whatever you want ? W : If it gets the job done . S : You 're a fucking child , you realize that ? W : I do what needs to be done . I 've always done what 's needed to be done . S : What , like kill your entire unit just to get a couple of low - life scumbags ? W : Or rat out one guy to bring down an entire drug ring . ( pause ) S : . . . Excuse me ? W : We were getting nowhere on that case . Families were being terrorized . That mob was leveling the whole freakin ' suburb . They would 've destroyed everything if I didn 't do what I did . S : You sold out Mickey . . . W : Three years of time and resources and all it took was one anonymous phone call that brought them down . ( pause . When I speak again , my voice is shaking . ) S : And in doing that , Eric confined himself to a desk . You realize the impact of that ? If he hadn 't done that , he wouldn 't have been assigned to our case . If he hadn 't been assigned to the case , he wouldn 't have gotten kidnapped . Which means Lizzie never would have gone into that warehouse , which means she and Eric would still be alive , and we 'd all still be at the station , alive and well . Did you ever think about that ? ( pause ) S : So you mean to tell me that the reason I 'm on the run , the reason my throat is fucked , my partner is dead , and my sanity is all but gone , was all because you decided to be a fucking hero ? Is that what you 're telling me ? W : You give me way too much credit . S : Sounds like I 'm giving you the credit you deserve ! W : Lizzie was being stalked by Slender Man , she would 've died anyway . S : You don 't know that ! W : Don 't I ? Come on , Zee . You 've been at this long enough to know tPosted by I knew this would happen . Since he found me in April and got involved in this , I knew there was going to come a point where he would snap and pull something like this . When you 're desperate , you take whatever help you can get , but even then , you can never really trust them , not completely . I 've never completely trusted Wren , and I 'm sure that 's been evident . I just hoped it would hold until after I had figured out a solution . . . guess not . … When I joined the force a few years ago , Wren Stephanos was one of SWAT 's demolition experts . I met him after I had been on the force about a month , when his team was assigned to take down a target on a case I had been working on . When they brought him in for interrogation , he saw me get a little . . . well , vocal while interrogating . I guess that was a good sign for him . When I was finished three hours later , he was sitting at my desk with a cup of coffee and a cinnamon raisin bagel . " Not bad , " he said , as I took both . " You 've got a flair for this kind of thing . Hope you stick around . " After that , he and I hung out some , usually after work , either grabbing a drink or playing some pool . We were never " best friends " , but we got pretty chummy , which wasn 't entirely uncommon but still a sight , mainly from those who knew Wren a while . He was the humor to my seriousness ; he would always crack jokes , and he was one hell of a prankster . He was the kind of guy who would sneak tiny explosives in people 's cigarettes that would explode when they were inhaling , put whoopee cushions in chairs , and put the occasional laxative into people 's coffees . But of course , there was that other side . He was known to be a particularly brutal officer . One time his team and I were dealing with a hostage situation ; bank robbery gone wrong , you know the deal . The chief was trying to negotiate with the lead robber , this massive man with a mother complex , all coked out and out of his mind . Negotiations were going south , the guy was losing his cool . . . and then Wren just pulls out his gun and shoots him in tPosted by Roger Armeen died last night , around eleven - thirty . Authorities on the sight found him in his bed with a bed sheet tied around his neck . Probably would 've been ruled as a suicide if the place didn 't look like a war zone . As of now , according to the news , there is no suspect , and no clues to go off of . He 's out there all alone , no one around would 've seen anyone go in or out . Too easy . " So . . . we can 't kill him ? " " Not according to her . " I was downing a couple shots that night , on a right old bender . It was about a week or so after the interview , I had finally gotten around to letting Wren listen to them . Mary had gone out for supplies , so it was just us . " I can 't buy that . " Wren had been pacing back and forth . I remember he had been looking really sick since we had come up to Vermont . He was paler than normal , and those bags under his eyes were growing . A lot of his playfulness had been disappearing as of late ; he was edgier , jumping at small noises , and always pacing . " No , there 's gotta be something - " " Well , there isn 't . She was very insistent on that . " " So , what , we give up ? After everything it took to get us this far ? " " Look , I 'm really tired . Can you leave it be ? " That stopped his pacing . " Oh , sorry , old man . Want me to tuck you into bed ? Get you soup ? Maybe turn your Golden Girls on - " " Listen . " I stood up . " The past year , I have been shot at , hunted , lied to , and every good thing I had , every viable lead , shot down . I almost died in the middle of some basement in Nowhereland . Since February , I have been up to my neck in religious zealot supernatural bullshit . I 'm physically and mentally exhausted , Wren , and I 'm ready to just kick back and welcome the fucking apocalypse . I 'm done . " I downed another shot , hoping that was the end of it . Naturally , it wasn 't . " Well then , " and there was a definite shift in tone as he spoke ; darker , venomous almost . " Well then , well then . So this is how the journey ends . When the great Zeke Strahm gives up , we are all well and truly fucked , aren 't we ? " " Oh , just shut up , you asshole . " " Never can finish what he started - " " Oh , what , like you ? Like with Keaton ? We said we 'd take care of that civilly , and I seem to recall , you were the one who broke his toes ! " " I got what we needed to know ! " " You didn 't get us anything ! " " Well , I did a hell of a lot more than you would 've done ! I 'm noticing that I 'm pretty much thePosted by I know it 's been a while . Only a couple things have really changed . We 're still in Vermont , but just Mary and me . Wren skipped out a couple of weeks after the interview , and I haven 't heard from him since . I 'll get into that more in the next post . And . . . well , the reason I haven 't posted this part in a while is because . . . I was scared to , really . Listening to the tape , I wondered if I was ready to let everyone else know about it . And even here , I don 't talk about everything ; I left some parts out , not ready to let people know about that . But I 'm posting it . I can 't hold onto it forever . So . . . take it , think what you want with it . ( This last part doesn 't focus on Mary as much . She decided she wanted to ask me a few questions . This was about thirty minutes after my throat acted up . ) S : Thanks . M : It 's okay . ( pause ) M : I didn 't realize I would cause this kind of country - wide panic . . . S : We don 't know that for sure . It could have just been a coincidence . M : Yeah . I just happened to cause the deaths of the people who could contain him the same time he started being noticed by everyone . What a coincidence . ( pause ) M : When did he start for you ? S : Heh . . . if you want to get technical , the start was when I was a child until I was around twelve . He haunted me my entire childhood . M : Why ? S : No idea . Still don 't . He stopped when I moved to the city . We used to live out in the woods , we moved when I was thirteen . M : Just like that ? He just stopped because you moved ? S : Told you , I have no idea why he stopped . I don 't even know why he started . And then last year when he came back . . . well , I don 't know if it was for me or not . M : Why 's that ? S : Because he didn 't come straight for me . He took three kids and had his lackey butcher four more and went after Lizzie before he even showed himself to me . For all I know , it wasn 't about me at all . M : He really was after her again . S : I don 't know how long he was affecting her . . . I should have paid more attention . . . she had been getting better before the night we went into that warehouse . . . if she had just listenePosted by ( This next part is later that afternoon . She had mostly calmed down by this point , and was ready to talk again . ) M : Sorry … S : It 's fine . Now , you said you saw his real form . Do you remember what it was ? M : There 's no word in our language for something like that , nothing to compare it to … it 's massive , though , the biggest thing I had ever seen , bigger than any animal or human I had ever met … it had so many arms … and its face … S : It 's real form has a face ? M : I guess this world can 't support it or it must 've figured it couldn 't get what it wanted , go into public like that … so it takes that human form to move around freely , come and go … S : And no one else knows about it ? M : If the priests knew , they never said anything . They interrogated me about my encounter for hours afterwards , but I never told them what I had seen … I guess that ironically let them believe I could be trusted . S : And Lizzie ? M : My parents didn 't want to risk it , not after he almost killed me . So they called off the ritual . We stayed around long enough to be sure she was off his radar , then we had to move on . S : And you never saw her again ? M : No . We exchanged letters a few times , but life goes on . I 'm sure you know that . S : So you stayed with them until three years ago . M : Yeah . . . we had a bit of a . . . falling out . S : Meaning what ? ( pause ) S : Mary - M : I killed them . S : Who ? M : They . . . they found out I had been helping children targeted for sacrifice escape the rituals . See , after what happened , I didn 't want to think about kids being . . . I just couldn 't bear it , not after that . So . . . I started helping some get away . Not many , one or two at a time , not enough to attract suspicion . But that last one . . . half their supply got away , just in time for some anniversary ritual . They . . . didn 't like that . My parents were terrified . They knew if the priests ever found out , then all of us would 've been offered up . My father said that Slender Man was angry at everyone . . . my mother told me that I was going to be offered instead . . . I wasn 't going to let that happenPosted by ( The following is part one of my interview with Mary . Wren was out in the town , so it was just the two of us . The entire conversation was recorded so that I could listen to it instead of recite the entire thing from memory . ) S : NameM : Mary Irene GallagherS : And your role in this ? M : … My role ? S : You . Your parents . Why you 're here now . M : My parents were priests in a subsection of a cult organization that worships an eldritch abomination . Their role was to go around to different sections across the country and make sure they were up to par with our standards . S : And what sort of standards needed to be met ? M : That rules and guidelines were being followed . That the leaders had a firm hand on their communities . That those communities were all devout . That the sacrifices were being made . Basic stuff . S : And these cults are all over the country ? M : It used to be . It 's died out a lot in recent years . You 'd be lucky to find a solid group of people that still believe and pray together . S : Why 's that ? M : Hard to keep a religion going when the thing they 're worshipping keeps killing off whole communities in fits of rage . S : So mostly gone then . M : Some exist . The big one in Indiana held on until fairly recently . I don 't think this religion as a whole is all that big now . S : You were involved with the Indiana cult ? M : Matthew Wilcox was an important figure in it for a long time . My parents were friendly with him and the other head priests there . S : You knew Damien O ' Connor then . M : Might have met his parents . Can 't really remember . A lot of the names are a blur to me . S : And how long were you with this cult ? M : I reached the position of associate pastor in two thousand and . . . three , I think ? I ended up leaving in two thousand eight . S : Why ? M : ( laughs ) Why not ? My whole life was spent seeing children ripped from their families and lined up for slaughter . Why wouldn 't I leave ? S : You weren 't brainwashed like them … M ; My parents tried , it didn 't work . When I was a kid , yeah , I was proud of my family 's involvement . As I grPosted by When I was a kid , my parents used to take me to this family resort up in the mountains of Vermont . For ten years I spent a week of my summer there , hiking , swimming , playing with the occasional friend or two I would make up there , if only for a week . It was one of the only times I ever remembered being happy as a kid , being relaxed , being almost normal . We stopped going towards the end of my time in high school , since college put a lot more on my plate and I didn 't have the time to devout a week out of my schedule to come up here . Despite all the years I was up here , I only ever ventured into the town of Stowe once or twice ; once with family , once with a group of friends I had made that week . It 's a small town , I don 't think too many people live there , but the people who do I remember were friendly enough , and it seemed like a hot spot for a lot of passerby 's . So it was weird driving into town to find it completely bare , not a soul in the streets . I parked it outside the post office and stepped out . Spooky . Almost like the place had turned into a ghost town . Maybe they had had a bad summer season , I don 't know . I found Wren 's car outside of the general store , empty . His was the only car on the whole street . I parked up alongside him and got out . Keys were in the ignition . Alright , I thought , he had to be in there . I stepped inside . The general store was pitch dark . I hit the light switch , no dice . Electricity was out , though I haven 't gotten to check if it was the whole town or not . It 'd be hard for me to believe that Slender Man had the whole town cleared out , but then again , Indiana proved he had a bit more influence than that . It was at this point that I had my handgun out . I hadn 't seen or heard anything yet that there was something to worry about , but then again , I hadn 't seen or heard anything to convince me that all was well in this town . I took a couple steps further inside when - " Who are you ? " Probably jumped a foot in the air when she said that . I turned around and there she was , staring at me , with a fuckPosted by I don 't even know how it happened . Celeste had been quiet for most of the night , the others had been out and about , and I was laying in my bed looking at that cross and wondering if such a thing as a " constant " actually existed and doubting it every time the possibility arose . Stuff like that happened on TV , not in situations like this . It suddenly hit me that it was very quiet in that place . . . a bit too quiet . Normally Celeste or Violet or someone was making noise in the kitchen , but this night . . . nothing . I knew Celeste was still here , unless she had stepped out . . . I pocketed the crucifix and went to check . She was out on the porch , sitting in one of the chairs . Not doing anything , just sitting . She was looking out at the sky but she wasn 't really seeing it , at least , not from what I could tell . I stepped outside to talk to her . And then things just got weird . " There you are . Quiet tonight , " I said . She didn 't answer . The thought crossed my mind that she was angry at me , and I tried to remember if I had done anything other than not wear that crucifix , but nothing was coming to mind . That stopped me dead . She had yelled at me plenty of times in the last couple of months , but flat - out say I 'm pathetic ? And in such a calm manner ? That was a first . " You heard me . " She turned to me , this cold look in her eyes . " You 're pathetic . Do you even realize it ? You parade around with this hero act , claiming to save lives , and at the same time you line people up to get sacrificed to what you 're trying to kill . People like Lizzie . " She stood up , and I tried to stop her , but she just repeated that order in an even more harsh tone . And then I realized she was burning up ; her skin felt like it was on fire . I wasn 't even touching her and I could feel it radiating off of her . We moved into the kitchen . She placed her hand on the counter and I saw it jerking at random moments like crazy . " Why do they do it ? " she asked , not necessarily to me , not necessarily to anyone . " Why do they run ? Why do they fight ? They know it 's a lost cause , they know there 's no hope , and they keep fighting this pointless battle . And their only reward for their stubbornness ? Death . " Celeste , knock it off , " I demanded . I couldn 't figure out why she was acting like this ; this wasn 't her , not one bit . For however annoying she could be at times , she didn 't have an evil bone in here . . . and she wasn 't this haughty . . . She ignored me . " And the best part about it ? They all flock to you to save them . And you 're just as lost and confused as they are . You , I understand you all too well . I see right through your front that you keep up - " I thought I sounded angry , at least , that 's the tone I had in my head , but upon reflection I think I had a little fear mixed in there with it . I think she knew it too , because for one moment , just one , she snapped out of whatever the hell was happening to her . What I got next , though , wasn 't much better . She suddenly started screaming and almost fell , but didn 't . . . and I realize how stupid that sounded , but it was like she couldn 't fall . If that makes sense . It doesn 't , I know . But it was like something was keeping her up , keeping her from falling down . Like she was being held up by strings or something . " Help me , " she pleaded , her voice a whisper . " I understand . I see them . All of them , from before , from now , into forever . All of them , forever running , forever chasing something they don 't understand , not being allowed to escape it , not being allowed to die , not truly , not completely . Over and over and over , the cycle never stops . . . " I ran over to help her , though how I planned to , I have no idea . Slender Man , or Practical Cat , or someone related to one or the other , had taken control of her , possessed her , brainwashed her , something , somehow . It wasn 't new news , that Slender Man could do something like that , but this was different , this was something that I hadn 't seen before . What did that indicate ? That he was getting stronger ? Not a pleasant thought . She suddenly let out the most shrill scream yet ; she hadn 't even screamed this loudly when her stitches has broken in that hospital months ago . She writhed and struggled but it wasn 't enough that she could break out of my hold , me being a cop who was used to putting down guys a lot bigger and heavier than her . Probably the worst bit was when her nails raked across the back of my neck , deep enough to draw some blood , but as bad as that was I didn 't let go , or weaken , not for one second . At that point Violet and Riley came through the door , hearing what sounded like a horror movie and seeing what probably looked like Armageddon as soon as the door was open . Of course I got bombarded with questions right off the bat . Of course I ignored them as I made Riley help me carry Celeste back to her bed and tucked her in . I know what you 're thinking : after that , no wonder I bugged out of there . Well , as bad as that was , I would 've been fine sticking around a little longer . Hell , especially after that , I would have stuck around to figure out what had happened . " Where the hell have you been ? " I hissed , keeping my voice low so the others wouldn 't hear me . " You don 't call me for almost two months , how the hell am I supposed to know you 're alright - ? " " Stowe , " I finished for him . I knew exactly where he was . It seemed almost fitting that this adventure would take me back up there . " Okay , give me a week and I 'll be up there - " " A week ? Zee , I don 't know how long she 's staying , and it 's not like I can stop her from going if she wants . You want her , you need to get up here now . " " Wren , Celeste just got attacked , possessed , I don 't know what you call it , but she was just reenacting the Exorcist and freaking the fuck out . She 's unconscious in her room right now . You really think I can just bug out of here right now ? " " And I 'm not in the mood for your bleeding heart sympathies right now . You wanted this girl , you wanted to know what she knows , then you get up here . Otherwise , you can stay down there taking care of your pedophilia clause and she takes off , and then I 'm not even going to bother finding out where she goes next , because I gave you your opportunity and you didn 't take it . So what 's it going to be ? " I cursed . Of course he was right , I had been searching for this girl for eight months with no leads and now I had her right in the palm of my hand . And Celeste would be okay with Violet . . . right ? Of course she would . Violet wouldn 't let her get hurt . Probably better than I would . Celeste was going to college . And I still had a job to do elsewhere . I stayed that last night in a sleeping bag in her room to make sure she was alright . I don 't think I slept much , if at all . In the morning , I told Violet I was leaving ( she didn 't like that one bit , and made it very apparent ) , packed my stuff , visited Celeste one final time , and then was almost home free when Violet stopped me one more time . I almost didn 't . I almost stayed . It would feel right , after all , to stay and make sure she was okay . But I had stayed long enough . She didn 't bother arguing . We 're both way too stubborn for that , we realize that at this point . But she came up to me and put my cross back into my hand ; the same one I had just used to save Celeste . " She gave it to you , " she said . " She wanted you to have it . That may not mean anything to you , but if you care about her at all , you 'll take it . " We had also been around each other long enough for me to know that she could be kind of terrifying when angry . Especially when she was right . So I pocketed it , said farewell , and left . It 's funny , during my months here in Maryland , I 've come to view this place almost like an alien world that had slowly become home . Now I truly was going home , back north , back to familiar territory . And in this case , back to territory that was very near and dear to me . I wish I could tell you there was a reason for the absence . That there was an attack , that someone had died , that Octopus Man had showed up and caused some havoc , anything like that . I could say that . But it 'd be just me telling a good story to entertain the masses . No , things have been quiet since the incident with Keaton . Too quiet , in fact . Not much left for me to do here , I think Celeste will be able to survive without me before long . I mainly just walk around Ocean City by myself . Nothing 's happened , but lately I 've just been feeling down on my luck , and no amount of whiskey purchased from the nearby liquor store has been able to make me feel better so far . Wren hasn 't called . Not even to check in . That worries me a bit . As much of a pain as he is , the one thing he is is reliable . But no calls since he left . I don 't know if he just can 't or if someone 's stopped him from checking in . Somehow I can 't make myself believe he 's dead ; otherwise I 'd have heard of a massacre of cops and agents by now . If Wren was gonna go down , he wouldn 't do it without making a big mess . Things are feeling tense at Celeste 's Haven . Nothing 's happened , just this uneasy feeling hanging over the heads of the people who are still here . Like we 're expecting something to happen . Good or bad . Whatever . I 'll see if Celeste is ready to update soon . It 's hard to really pinpoint a moment where a situation gets away from you . You could have everything perfectly under control , have the world at your fingertips , have not a care in the world . And then in one moment , one random event , or one random person , comes along and everything goes to hell . I don 't know where to begin . So I 'm just going to start with this : We decided to hunt for Keaton . And we found him . Mind you , it took time . Finding one man in this state is like trying to find a needle in a stack of needles ; it 's not like Massachusetts down here . We 've scoured every public place a person might hole up in , every bar , every club , everywhere . We finally got word that he was stationed in some office building in D . C . Not the FBI building , otherwise , I wouldn 't even attempt it ; even we 're not crazy enough to go right into the FBI building . We went in the middle of the day , but for some reason , when we arrived , there was no one in the building . Looking back , I suppose it was set up for us that way . Either by Keaton , or … well , you 'll see . Wren was the one who decided to split up . I didn 't think it 'd be too good an idea , but it was the middle of the day and there were people outside walking around . Maybe it wouldn 't be too bad . " Just chill , I 'll be in touch , " he told me as he pushed the button for the elevator . " Get back to me in one piece , " was all I said . He just winked as the doors slid closed . Having gone through Conaghan 's warehouse twice and the red building once , all by myself , the loneliness shouldn 't have bothered me as much . The hard fact was , though , that after a couple of months down in Maryland I had gotten used to having people consistently in my daily life again . That was my biggest mistake . I was alone again . And my nerves were acting up . I searched two floors before I finally found him . It was pure happenstance ; I had checked an office that really was nothing but a room filled with tables stacked together and looked down at the window . So many people were passing by , but none oPosted by My life isn 't exactly one of fairy tales and ponies , and especially not one of happiness . But you guys knew that already . It 's been very hard for me to feel like a regular person , what with my hating humanity and everything in it . Lizzie was always ever the only person I could tolerate for long periods of time , and whenever I was with her , I felt . . . well , normal . Happy , even . Looking back on it , the carnival was the last time I felt like that . And since she 's been gone , I haven 't been able to replicate that . Until , surprisingly , the other night . I had gone out to check on Celeste , who had been away from the room for longer than she probably should have . I found her at the beach looking out at the sky , listening to her music . I think she knew I was there , but she didn 't acknowledge me . Not at first . The night sky on the beach is beautiful . Like I said before , maybe once upon a time Lizzie and I could have come down here , and whenever I look up at those stars more and more I think this would have been the place for the two of us to have made some kind of a life together . When you lay back on the sand and look up , all you see are stars and all you hear are waves . You feel like you can tumble right out of the world , into the sky . Which isn 't too bad a thought sometimes . She suddenly pulled her earplugs out and let the music play out over the speakers , which brought a smile to my lips at how goofy it was . And she laughed . . . really laughed . It had been so long since I had heard a laugh that was not bitter , not forced , not compressed due to the situation we were in . A genuine laugh . A wave crashed , and brushed against the hem of the dress she was wearing , causing her to freak a bit , which in turn caused me to laugh . She pouted - her little chipmunk face pout , as Wren called it - and then she did something I didn 't expect ; she took my hands , and she led me into a dance . Dancing on that beach . . . never thought I 'd ever see myself doing anything like that , but there I was , actually enjoying it . I guided her , spinning her around , occasioPosted by " How much longer are we stuck here for ? " " Until we don 't need to be . " Wren groaned . I tried to ignore it . It was all I could do to keep from tearing the room apart by the realization that I had been reduced from hunting for clues to baby - sitting . " I don 't know why you 're bitching , you agreed to come down here . " " I agreed to help you keep an eye on things , not move boxes and spend hours in a car with you , the Runaway Picasso , and Pukey the Chipmunk . Three hours a drive with two women is no picnic . " " Why ? " " Because women talk about things that even I don 't care enough to hear - " " No , I mean , why chipmunk ? She doesn 't look like a chipmunk . " " Yeah she does . When she puffs her face and gets all annoyed and stuff , she looks like a chipmunk . You never noticed ? " " Can 't say I have , no . " She is a tiny little thing , though . Red head , glasses , and very short ; she comes up to about my chest , and up to Wren 's stomach . She 's got a fire in her eyes , though ; haven 't seen a girl this vivacious since Lizzie , and that 's a plus . And yeah , when she does that face , I GUESS she looks like a chipmunk . Again , I never really noticed . " I 'm bored , Zee . Seriously , there 's nothing to do in this dump . " " Really ? Because right now , it looks like you 're playing Call of Duty and shit - talking eight - year - olds . " " I 'm thirty - eight and seven with a gunship in my pocket , " he grinned at me and then reached for the mic . " Hey , Junior , it 's a video game , calm down before you shoot your pants . " " And it 's not so bad here . We 're right next to the beach . It 's nice . " " Yeah , well , the humidity seems to disagree with you . " I ignored him . Humid weather aside , it was nice down here . Plenty of places to go for walks , to clear my head . Not so much worry for my own safety , at least , not where we are . Given that things could go south at a moment 's notice , I don 't let my guard down . But maybe in another life , I could have come down here with Lizzie , had a vacation spot , maybe even have lived here . Maybe I would have still met Celeste . Who knows ? Definitely not me . " Daw , rage quit kids end Posted by One year . One year since that mass break - out from prison . One year since Conaghan retreated into the warehouse . One year since I went in after him and discovered the most terrifying creature imaginable . And one year since Lizzie was taken from me . I never got to go to the funeral . Did I ever tell you guys that ? At that time , I was more concerned with keeping myself alive and out of Slender Man 's sight . I regret it now . I wonder who went . The chief , obviously , and a few of her friends and probably the entire department , for that matter . But not her father . Not Eric . And certainly not me . And here I am , in Maryland , trying to figure out a solution , but going nowhere fast . I need her . She was the brains . She always knew what to do . Now she 's away from all this and I 'm stuck trying to pick up the pieces . It 's almost poetic . . . Next chance I get , I 'm going to visit her grave . Maybe find some closure . ' Til then , I 'm still here , I 'm still alive . I guess that counts for something . Celeste will update sometime this week . . . maybe even tonight . Who knows . . . . I love you , Lizzie . I miss you so much . Hopefully I 'll see you soon . Before I go into what happened after , I should finish up my arrival in the hospital room . We sat in silence for a few moments . She knew what I wanted to ask , and I knew she was going to resist , but I had to see for myself . Not just to judge the damage , but needed to see the proof that things had really escalated this far . " Let me see , " I said . She shook her head . " Celeste , " I said again , " let me see . " " No . " Violet interrupted in order to give Celeste back her rosary , but it didn 't make me lose my resolve . I had to see it for myself . She was in pain , I realized that , but I just had to see . She saw that I wasn 't going to give in . " Zeke , don 't make me , " she begged , and I think that made me soften a bit , hearing how tired she sounded , how defeated . " I 'm sorry . " And I was . But the sooner I saw it , the sooner I could get to work . She finally showed me , and when she did I made sure to be as gentle as I could be with her . But there it was , that large fucking scar on the back of her neck , his mark like a god damn target sign . I cursed under my breath as I touched it as gently as I could . Not gentle enough . She screamed and pushed her face into the pillow . Violet gave me that look that Lizzie used to give me whenever I had screwed up big time , so I put my hand on her back to try and comfort her . I dunno if it worked or not . I like to think it did . Then I went into the interrogation . What happened , how she was attacked , was there anyone else involved , that sort of deal . What she gave me was what I already knew , but double - checking always helped . Practical Cat was by himself , as far as we knew , and he was strong enough to at least take control over her long enough to do . . . whatever he wanted . No one really knew what else he had done . I certainly was okay not knowing . This was a big job . Not only was I going against Practical Cat , but Keaton and whomever else the FBI had sent out here were still around . Sorry , folks , but if I 'm really gonna do this , I need to call help . I went outside to make the call ; I didn 't want Posted by Drove down to Maryland the other day . If you 're unaware of why , or you just don 't follow what 's going on in the world , well , that 's your prerogative , but basically what happened was Ms . McLachlan decided she was going to try and take on her proxy problem head - on . Obviously it didn 't work out , otherwise I wouldn 't be down here . She 's alive , but she 's in bad shape . Broken toe , dislocated shoulder , defensive wounds on her wrist , and a hell of a lot of blood on the outside that should be on the inside . That , and an operator symbol on the back of her neck that her proxy carved into her skin . That 's one part of Wren 's story accounted for , though I wouldn 't call that good news . Maybe you saw the fight we had before she left . Maybe you didn 't . Maybe you don 't care . Regardless , here I am , and I 'll stick around for a little while until she gets better . Not permanent , but long enough . Maryland , Jesus , it 's almost as bad as Indiana , but at least it 's not overrun with cultists . . . as far as I know . Everyone seemed decent enough , less conspicuous than the people at Damien 's workplace were . I went up to the receptionist 's desk and asked for Celeste 's room . " Are you family ? " she asked me . " Close enough , " I replied . Hey , I baby the girl enough , don 't I ? " Third floor , room 42 . I 'll take you . " I turned around and was face to face with a brown - haired , brown - eyed , and very pissed off girl behind me , speaking to her but looking right at me . She looked a very artsy type , stick - thin , very frail - looking , not too formidable at a glance , yet still looked very , very capable of pulling a gun on someone who disagreed with her . This , I hastily deduced , must be Violet . The attendant opened her mouth to protest but we had already left her behind . I hurried my pace , half to get there as quickly as I could , half to try and avoid this girl that was giving me a death glare . For as sickly as she looked , though , she knew how to keep up . " So , are you him ? " she asked me . " Are you going to hit me if I say yes ? " Should I be afraid of a little girl ? Posted by The following conversation took place at one in the morning , when I was having trouble sleeping . The nightmares which had over time started to ease up had come back even worse since I got back from Indiana . Figuring it 'd be more productive than trying fruitlessly to get sleep I decided to pick up the phone and make the call . He picked up after the second ring . W : You took your time . S : Can you really blame me ? W : No , not really . I 'm just glad you called at all . ( pause ) S : How did you get caught up in all this ? W : ( sighing ) well , I got out back in October . After some time kicking around , I decided to see how you were doing . Maybe see if you and Lizzie had tied the knot or something . Took me a week after that , but I eventually found out about everything that happened with the Conaghan case . I 'm sorry , by the way . S : Yeah , so am I . Thanks , though . W : So then I found out about your blog and I read about that guy you were seeing , that Slender Man . How he took those kids , how Lizzie was stalked , how Eric was taken . All that was just to get to you . I wonder why . S : Get in line . ( pause ) S : So you never doubted the story ? Never thought it was just some ghost tale that I drove myself insane , over ? W : You 're a lot of things , Zee , some good , some not , but a liar ? A faker ? Nah , not you . You never were that good with telling stories . Besides , Lizzie believed , didn 't she ? If Lizzie believed it , it had to be true . S : You put more faith in her intuition than I did , then . W : She was the smartest woman I ever knew . That girl saw things no one else could . She was sharp . You and I both learned a lot from her , don 't try to deny it . ( pause ) W : Anyway , after that , I started questioning things . Started questioning everything , really . Questioning your reality , my reality , everyone 's reality . And then I started seeing things a little more clearly . And then I did the stupid thing and decided I wanted to know more . S : ( laugh ) Didn 't anyone tell you never to do that ? That 's like asking to be killed . W : No kidding . You know , that warning comes way too late . ThePosted by |
OK , here 's a question for everyone . Is this outfit too girly for Zachariah ? Seriously now ? This is a Carter 's outfit . I searched online , but I can 't find it anywhere . I swear I bought it in the infant boys ' department . I chose this color , because he doesn 't have many colors other than blue or green . Although he has a few red tops for summer now . I thought this soft red and orange color was cute . Now I 'm second - guessing it . All because when I went into a store today an older lady was talking to Zachariah , and then she asked me if it was a boy or girl ! Since he was born that 's only happened one other time . And it was only a few months ago . He was wearing a cute blue sweater . I don 't know . . . maybe that was a little girly too . Oh well , I know he 's all boy . Here 's a full view . And here 's what the front looks like . It says " Little Monster " . OK , so while we 're talking about it , is this outfit girly too ? Matt thought it was a little girly looking . I don 't think it is . It 's from Old Navy . Again , it is not blue or green . Do people expect boys to only wear those colors ? I think this outfit is adorable ! And this is another shot ( from a different camera , so the lighting is different ) . So ? Posted by What is wrong with me ? I have been a crazy person this weekend . It 's been an up and down roller coaster . I 'm not sure why . Hormones ? Is it that time of month ? It could be . Am I pregnant ? Well . . . I don 't think I am , but who knows . ( My mother says it 's always a possibility . ) Somethings got to give soon . I think I 'm starting to drive myself nuts . I just sat down here with some Almond M & M 's , so maybe that will help . Chocolate is always good . Friday I was crabby , because of this issue I posted about . That just put me in a bad mood all night . And I think blogging about it made me think about it more , so I just stayed in that mood . Saturday was fun . We all went to a community garage sale . I found a few places with some name - brand , barely used baby clothes for Zachariah to wear next winter . Even though it wasn 't much , it was nice to find a few deals . And I normally hate to go to garage sales . Bleck . But we walked for 2 hours around the really nice neighborhoods . Matt and I talked the whole time , while Zachariah was content in his stroller . It worked out nice . Then we stopped for ice cream afterwards . . . . a treat we haven 't indulged in for some time . Oh , and the kind I tried was amazing ! When we got home , Zachariah was ready for a nap . He slept for 2 hours . I was even able to lay down for 1 / 2 hour . It felt nice . Then Matt 's parents came over . Matt grilled burgers , and we had salads with them . Yum . It was fun having them over . So , see , Saturday was fun ! Matt even commented that I was in a much better mood . ( Although , he was not perceptive enough to figure out WHY I was in a bad mood the night before . And for fear of biting off his head , I did not tell him . ) Today . Well , I asked Matt to keep an eye on Zachariah this morning , so I could get my shower . Matt was already showered and dressed and reading the paper . Zachariah was already up , changed , dressed , and had eaten breakfast . Shouldn 't be hard . . . just let the kid play with his toys . By " keeping an eye on him " all I meant was that he had to make sure he didn 't hurt himself or getPosted by I don 't know how it is in your house , but this is a typical occurrence here . Zachariah : Making grunting noises and signing " potty " ( which means he 's dirtying his diaper ) Me : Uh oh , not again . Honey , it 's your turn this time . I changed ALL his diapers today and already dealt with a messy one . Hubby : No , that 's OK , you can take care of it . Me : Ha , ha , nope it 's on you . Hubby : SilentZachariah : Back to playing - didn 't mess diaper * * * cut to 10 minutes later * * * Me : Oh , he 's definitely going potty this time . Hubby : Oh ? Me : Yes , he wants to fill a diaper for Daddy . Zachariah : Signing " potty " , grunting , starting to stinkMe : Eww , go let Daddy smell it . Hubby : Gives me a look for that commentMe : Well , I guess someone needs to change him . Go ahead . Hubby : Yeah , right . Me : Gets up , takes child into the other room and changes his stupid diaper . . . . again ! For the millionth time this week ! Hubby : Comes into the nursery after the diaper is changed and a fresh one is on . Takes out the trash and announces : I 'm taking out the trash . Me : thinking : Gee thanks , especially since I asked you to do it 2 hours ago . And I do it EVERY OTHER SINGLE TIME ! Me : Completely ignores hubby 's attempt at getting a Thank You , and goes on her merry way with a fresh smelling baby . I just heard wonderful news . A relative of mine is pregnant ! Babies are always fun . She has a son who is 3 weeks younger than mine . They , too , had problems getting pregnant with him . She was actually on fertility treatments , but then decided to take a month off . That 's when she got pregnant . It was fun being pregnant together , and now our little guys have fun at holiday get - togethers . Unfortunately she isn 't someone I 'm around much , so I will probably miss most of her pregnancy . She 's due around Thanksgiving time . I 'll probably meet the baby at Christmas . As exciting as this is , it makes me feel more depressed than happy . : ( Silly , isn 't it ? Part of this is explained in the posts I 'm putting together in response to Swistle 's posts about baby spacing and how many . I don 't want to ruin those posts for you . I am still working on them . They are issues that I care a lot about , but I have a hard time communicating my feelings on these matters to it 's taking me a while to construct the post . Just know they are coming . Anyway , back to my point . I feel happy / sad about learning that this relative is pregnant . I am happy for her ( oh so happy that it didn 't take long to get pregnant again ) . I am happy about a new baby in the family ( even if it 's extended family ) . But I always feel momentary sadness when I find out someone I know is pregnant . Most of this stems from my own fertility issues ( to be talked about more later ) . I hope that when we 're ready to try for another one , I will get pregnant right away . Only time will tell . Then the other issue is that I AM READY FOR ANOTHER BABY ! If Matt said let 's go , I 'd be trying to get pregnant tonight ( in a manner of speaking ) . That doesn 't mean that everything in our life is ready for that , though . Since Matt is looking for a better job , we will most likely be moving in the near future . Matt is nervous at the possibility of me being pregnant when we 're moving . Also , as far as baby spacing , I 'm not sure it 's the right time yet . I 'd be happy if it happened , but I don 't know what my idealPosted by Ahh , life is boring . I suppose I shouldn 't ask for more . If it wasn 't boring , then something bad would probably be happening . So , I 'll take the boring days / weeks . Because really it 's been more like a boring week for me . We had some bedtime issues tonight . I put Zachariah down to sleep at his normal time . He would not sleep . He cried off and on for an hour straight . I finally gave in ( NOT typical for me . . . bedtime means sleeping normally ) . Matt was not home , so I thought maybe that was the problem . When Matt got home he played with Zac for quite awhile . That seemed to wear him out . Then he was anxious to go to bed . He was trying to figure out how to climb into the crib himself . And now he is peacefully sleeping . I just hope he doesn 't do this again tomorrow night . Matt might be gone then too . I have been watching quite a few movies lately . Oh , probably about 2 - 3 a week . Is that a lot ? Normally I 'm lucky to watch 1 a month . The reason . . . Vongo . It came with a free trial loaded on our laptop . We really like it so far . It 's not as nice as say Netflix , but for us who don 't watch that many movies it has plenty that we 've never seen . I 've watched so many different movies lately that they 're all starting to become predictable . Maybe I need to expand my typical genres of movies . I guess that 's all I have to talk about . What an exciting life I lead ! Today I was humbled , by seeing true humility from someone else . OK , I 've tried writing this blog 3 times now . The only thing that I 've kept each time is that line at the beginning . I guess I really don 't need to go into details . That 's not what matters . Here 's enough of the story to get the point . I crossed paths today with someone who needed help . Another mother who needed something for her child . I jumped up immediately to do what I could for her . And later Matt and I talked about it , and we 've decided to help a little more . This young mother was so grateful for this little thing that I did for her . But it was something that she needed . I didn 't mind doing it . In fact , I loved doing it for her . I love helping others . In just the 4 minutes I talked to her , she hugged me 3 times and thanked me over and over . I told her all I wanted for her was to keep being a great mom . We are so blessed . We have everything we need and a lot that we want . My son has more clothes than a child his age should rightfully have . It 's crazy to see the closet full , and yet I just can 't resist buying something new every once in a while . I have never had to wonder where I 'll get the money to buy diapers , food , or anything . God has blessed us . And I love that I can pass it on . Here I have been concerned and proud of my son for being so smart and learning sign language and everything else he 's doing now . And after this experience today , I thought , you know , that is the stuff that really doesn 't matter . What really matters is the my son is happy , healthy , loved , and cared for . And so is this other child , even though she can 't offer him as I much as I can for my son . But I know he is loved . And THAT is what really matters . We were visiting my family yesterday . I forget how nice it is to be around a few other adults who don 't mind chasing a toddler around for a little while . For now it works out nicely that Zachariah is the only grandchild . That means he has the undivided attention of grandparents , aunts , and uncles . So , when I arrived at the grandparents ' house , I was able to let go of the kid and take my things in on my own . This never happens . I didn 't have to lug a kid plus all our stuff . It 's a wonderful feeling . We 're going on vacation in less than 3 weeks with my family . Everyone is excited about going . We all get along great and we have fun together . It is also exciting , because it will be Zachariah 's first trip to the ocean . It will be fun to see him stick his little baby toes in the water and on the sand . It 's reassuring to me to have all this help there for us . It won 't be just Matt and I chasing the kid around the whole time . I know that the rest of the family wants to spend time with him too . I 'm not sure I 'll know what to do with myself . I 'm used to taking care of him almost every waking moment . Matt keeps talking about the fun things we can do . The usual things we do while we 're at the beach - sunbathing , boogie boarding , walking on the beach , and other things . I keep telling him that this just isn 't going to work . We have Zachariah to worry about now . I just don 't think I 'll have as much time to do these fun things that I used to enjoy at the beach . This has been discouraging to Matt , because he wants me to have fun too . I keep telling him that I 'll need his help a little more than normal . And the more I think about it , the more I realize I will be able to let everyone else help me out too . It is fun and relaxing for my family to spend time with Zachariah . After seeing them play with him this weekend , I think I 'll be able to let go better . For now . . . just pictures . Zachariah and I outside at my sister 's house . Zachariah peeking at us through the tree . This is the cutest picture of Zachariah . I just love it . Well , first of all let me talk about this last post . It generated a lot of comments . Yes , I know I should be able to have time alone . I do . . . if I really want / need to . . . with a little convincing . Anyway , that isn 't the real issue . It has more to do with the fact that he won 't do something with me that I 'd really like to do . Usually , he 's on board with doing things with me , but this particular thing not so much . He 's not a very social person , and I think this is out of his comfort zone . To be honest I think the other stuff is just excuses to get out of it . I don 't yet know if we 'll go to the small group or not yet . I 'll let you know what happens . I will not go with the baby . It 's either all or none . So , if Matt 's not interested and I can 't convince him , then I won 't go either . But actually , Matt hurt his back this week . He went to the chiropractor today , and he was ordered to relax this weekend and do no yard work ( which was his excuse for staying home tomorrow ) . Ha ! Take that ! OK , that was mean . : ( Today I had this itching feeling . I just couldn 't stay in the house one more day . I needed to go somewhere . Luckily my sister let us come over . She helps her husband run a pizza shop , so she had to be around . But we kept her company since it was a slow afternoon anyway . Plus that was better than walking around the mall again . I knew if I did that I would just buy Zachariah more clothes that he doesn 't need . I think his closet will overflow if I put one more thing in there . But a nice visit with my sister did me good . And on Sunday we 've decided to go to my parents ' house . The boys are going golfing . I 'll just stay back and visit with my mom . It 's supposed to be super nice outside , so we 'll just chase Zachariah all over the yard . I 'm sure he 'll love that . And it will be nice for me to just be out again too . What are your weekend plans . I hope it 's warm and sunshiny where you are too . Enjoy . Is it too much to ask for a night to do something I want to do ? Sorry , but I 'm complaining about my husband again . ( Disclaimer : He really is a great guy . I only complain here , because I can ! ) I have been trying to talk Matt into getting involved in a small group at church for a long time now . For the first few years we were married we were involved in great groups . I loved the dynamics and friendships of those groups . I have kept friends to this day that I met and got to know better through those groups . Unfortunately when the last group fizzled out , we didn 't find another group . The last few years I 've been interesting in joining a new small group , but Matt was not . It was something I really wanted to do with him . In the last month or so we were approached about a new group starting . It is one I think I would like very much . I can not get him interested in it . It starts Saturday . He told me I could go by myself . Ha , by myself ! What this really means is I have to take Zachariah with me , so Matt can have time to himself to do things at home . I NEVER get a chance like that ! Matt started going to a bible study on Wednesday nights . He also does some computer work a few nights a week ( some weeks ) . Me - I get zero nights to do anything I want to do ! All I 'm asking is for one night a week . I 'm not even saying I want a night alone or without the kid . I want my husband to come with me to the small group for 2 hours . We 'll take Zachariah along , but two of us can handle him a lot better than one . Ahh , I really don 't know what to do . I guess unless he comes around and decides this is something he wants to do , then I won 't be going . Such an exciting , eventful life I lead . I 'm too tired to think of something to blog about . Zachariah would not take a nap this afternoon . I would think he was sleeping then 15 - 20 minutes later I 'd hear him squealing or crying . This went on for almost 2 hours . Ahh , at least I got a little done between laying him down again and again and again . Oh , now he wants more to eat . Well , here are some cute pictures for your enjoyment . He was a camera ham this morning . Both of us hamming it up the other day . We look a little dorky , but that 's OK . Zachariah discovered the exercise ball and all its fun . Hilarious to watch . This thing is so big that it knocks him over sometimes . I love reading blogs . I guess it 's a way for me to connect other people without having to invest a lot of time and energy into a relationship . I have a list of blogs that I check daily . Lately , I 've been realizing that there is one particular blog that I have a love / hate relationship with . I like the fact that it 's another mother with a young child . I like some of the topics are come up in her blog . But it 's funny , because I 'd say half of the time I come out of her blog feeling . . . drained . Maybe that 's not the right word . I 'm not sure what is though . And I 'm not positive what keeps drawing me back to this particular blog . Don 't worry , it 's not any of you . To my knowledge , this person does not read my blog . And just in case , I 'm keeping it vague enough that it wouldn 't matter . I think I feel a sense of snobbiness from this person . I guess if that 's part of her true personality , then it will probably come out in her blog . I wonder , though , how much of it is a show for others . She at times makes ( or at least appears to ) herself look better than others . Her child is perfect . She 's a great parent and does wonderful things for this child . She makes herself sound like Supermom sometimes . And she probably is a great mother . It 's just something about the way she " flaunts " it . So , why do I keep reading her blog . I return daily to see if she has posted anything new or interesting . I have realized my frustration with her , so if I feel like a particular blog entry is leaning towards showiness , then I stop reading it . Have you ever been friends with a person you just constantly " give " to ? And they just " take " , " take " , " take " ? They might be a great person , but when you talk to them it 's all about them . It 's a one - sided friendship . I have a semi - friend that I had in college who was very much like this . You could try to carry on a conversation with her , but whenever you started telling anything about your life or something happening it always turned back to her . My one sister is like this . It 's emotionally draining for me to have a cPosted by I 'd like to take a moment of silence this morning for all the students , victims , and families of those affected by the shootings at VA Tech . If you read this , please take a moment to prayer for ( or at least send good thoughts ) the way of these people . How very sad . I 'll post something real later . I have been doing a great job keeping up with the daily grim here in my house lately . My kitchen is spotless . . . almost . The floors are clean . . . mostly . And there is a lighter layer of dust than usual . Normally I keep up with the laundry , dishes , floors , dusting , etc . But I have been doing more . Instead of dusting maybe once a week ( or once every two weeks ) , I 'm dusting twice a week . Instead of letting dishes pile up for a day of two , I am doing dishes after every meal . And so on . And I 've been cleaning other parts of the house too . I am trying hard to keep ahead of stuff instead of just making do and keeping up . Then I look around the house in the evening . There are things on the counter in the kitchen and bath toys on the bathroom floor . And at any given point in the day I may have laundry baskets out or dishes and meal prep items on the counters . It always seems that 's when someone will stop by my house . Will they even notice that I 'm keeping up with my house better ? So if you decide to drop by , just know that when no one is here and the baby is napping , my house is practically spotless . If you want to see my house all picked up , call before you stop . Devan of All D 's gave birth to a beautiful baby boy on Friday . She was only in labor about 5 hours and got him out in one push ! Way to go Devan . He is adorable . I 'm sure he 's the perfect addition to their now family of 4 . The sleep problems are surprisingly not with Zachariah . He 's a good sleeper , and most days he takes good naps . Lately though he is having a hard time sticking with a nap schedule , so I don 't know what to expect from one day to the next . The real issue is Matt and I . Matt likes to sleep in on the weekends . He always has . I used to sleep in on Saturdays , but like most mothers that ended when I had a baby . Matt gets to blissfully slumber for extra hours while I 'm up chasing the kid around , making sure he 's dressed , feeding him , and whatever else needs done . So , when Zachariah was a newborn Matt was very gracious about letting me nap on Sunday afternoons . He would watch him as long as he could , until he thought he was hungry . Then of course I had to get up , so I could nurse him . That was so nice to get a little extra rest . Lately ( meaning the last several months or so ) , I haven 't been getting those desperately desired Sunday afternoon naps . If I 'm lucky , I can get a small one in when Zachariah takes an afternoon nap . Then usually by the time he wakes up , I get up to find that Matt just fell asleep on the couch . And he complains that Zac comes over and bugs him and won 't let him sleep . Grr , where 's a frying pan when you need one . This all leads me to what happened on this lovely Sunday afternoon . I put Zachariah down for his nap . And since I already had a load of laundry going , I figured I may as well lay down for a while . I fell asleep right away , but about 1 / 2 hour or so later , I heard Zachariah . It sounded like he was in the living room , though . I could tell that Matt got him up , and they were playing . So I figured it was safe to go back to sleep . I only slept a little bit off and on for about another 1 / 2 hour after that . But , still it was nice to get that nap . Then as I 'm laying there , I heard the bedroom door open . Then I hear a squeal of excitement from my son . Matt had let him in to wake me up . I talked to him and played with him on the bed for a little while . Matt said " He was signing ' milk ' , so I got him some mPosted by I captured the picture , you give it a caption . If this works maybe I 'll make it a common weekend post . I have several things floating through my head today , but I can 't think of enough to make a full post . So , just a picture for now . Here it is . Name it . Dear precious son , I fear that I have damaged you for life . I may have caused you to be OCD . Sorry ! It 's probably because I 'm a little that way . I didn 't mean to pawn my problems off on you too . When you eat , you can 't have anything on or around your mouth . It 's funny because you wipe your mouth with the back of your hand . You do try to get any " left - overs " into your mouth , but when that doesn 't work it ends up on the back of your hand . This seems to bother you less than having stuff on the front of your hands . We haven 't had much warm weather yet , but you have enjoyed being outside on the few nice days this spring . I let you wander around the driveway a little bit . You 're still a little wobbly on uneven surfaces at times . So trying to walk in the grass proves futile . A few times when I was following you around the driveway you fell gently forward . You were discusted at the small stones and dirt on your hand . It was funny watching you try to stand up with your little hands stretched out in front of you like they had the plague and might infect you at any moment . You were not going to use those hands when they were so dirty . I came over and tried to rectify the problem by showing you if you brush your hands together it will get most of the dirt off . That seemed to help . I know the problem with food on your face was started by me , and to be fair Grandma warned me . When I first started feeding you rice cereal and other baby foods , I always kept your mouth clean . If a little bit got on your face , I promptly wiped it off with the spoon or a wet rag . I still do this . But now it 's funny to watch you wipe things off immediately , because they must bug you immensely the way you do it . I suppose I will be the cause of other things you do in life that may not be the best . You 'll probably be a perfectionist too . Sorry for that as well . Although your father could play a role in that too . I guess that 's what you get for being the first - born child to two first - borns . I just hope that we 'll do enough good things to you that you will sPosted by This is funny . I 'm ready to go . Will you join me ? - - Go to Google . com ( or click my link below for the next step ) - - Click on Maps . - - Click on get Directions . - - From New York , New York - - To Paris , France . - - And read line # 23 . This is a pretty random post about things I 've been thinking / wondering about or experiencing . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * I don 't watch American Idol , but I hear about it all the time . ( I 'm not opposed to it , we watched Season2 and part of 3 . ) What 's up with this Sanjaya ? I hear about him constantly on TV . It seems that people have an extreme love or hate for the kid . Is it a popularity contest or a singing contest ? Anyway , I 'm just tired of hearing about him . Don 't vote for him if you don 't want him to stay in the contest . And if he stays in , then I guess people like him . I wish the media would let it go . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Taxes are due on Monday . We did ours weeks ago . Why do people wait until the last minute ? Taxes come at the same time every year . I suppose if you have to pay in it 's not as much fun . We 've always gotten money back , so I don 't mind doing ours . In fact we already have our tax return back , and that 's why we decided to buy this new laptop . The rest of the money will be spent on home improvement projects . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Should preschoolers be allowed online ? There is a toy which is supposedly popular for this age group . It looks like a stuffed animal , but you can interact with it online . So , would you let your preschooler use the Internet ? I 'm not sure what I would do . I guess I 'll cross that road when I come to it . I suppose Zachariah will have an interest in computers when he 's young , because Matt and I use computers A LOT . But the Internet , I don 't think I 'm comfortable with such a young child using that . We already have parental controls ready to install on our computers . We know we don 't want our children to have computers in their rooms . It will be in a central location where we can monitor their time online . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Zachariah loves his cereal in the morning . I think it 's the only reason he wakes up . He usually gets up has cereal and milk and a banana . Then within the next 1 / 2 hour he 's ready for a nap . He rarely stays up longer than that after his breakfast . Now it does take him about 1 / 2 hour to an houPosted by Do you think it will help ? If I imagine warm , spring weather , will it happen ? Ahh , I can hope ! It 's cold and rainy today . At least the rain does make me think it 's actually spring . But it has been way to cold this past week . And it sounds like it 's here to stay for a while longer . Yuck ! I am ready for some warmth and sunshine . In 4 short weeks , we 'll be on our way to the beach . I can 't wait ! We 're going to Emerald Isle , North Carolina . We go to North Carolina with my family at least every other year . This will be Zachariah 's first trip to the ocean . Last time we went to NC both of my sisters got engaged that week , and Zachariah was either conceived that week or shortly after . Apparently vacations are relaxing . ; ) First of all I 'm concerned about the LONG drive to NC from here . I don 't know how Zachariah will be in the car all day long . We 're driving about 8 - 10 hours the first day . Then we 'll go about another 4 - 5 the next morning . I think splitting the trip up will help . Last time Matt and I drove all the way through with my sister and Jared . But I told them I didn 't want to try it this time . We might consider driving all the way home in one day , though . It will be great to lay in the sun and relax a little . I know it won 't be as easy as before , because I 'll be chasing a toddler up and down the beach and making sure he gets naps . I 'm sure he 'll play so hard that nap time won 't be an issue . But , I also will have 6 extra people there to help that I don 't normally have here during the day . And grandparents and an aunt and uncle that can 't wait to spend more time with him will be nice too . It will finally give Matt and I a chance to get away for a night by ourselves . And maybe I will get some beach - bumming in . So , I suppose if the weather insists on staying cold for now , I 'll just have to imagine myself on the beach . What do you do when you go to a non - parent friend 's house with your toddler / baby ? I tried to make a subtle comment about how he gets into everything when I talked to my friend before we went to her place . But this friend ( lets call her Colleen ) has lots of knick - knacks , photo frames , and other things all within reach of my son . Yikes ! Thank goodness I had the foresight to put the pack - n - play in the back of my car . I went to retrieve it from the car within the first 5 minutes . Luckily we don 't use it often , so Zachariah thought it was something fun . I had brought along some of the new toys he 'd gotten for Easter and hadn 't played with yet , so they were fun and exciting . This bought me a little time to sit and talk to my friend with my son happily playing beside us . We got him out to walk around the house a few times . Then I put him back in the pack - n - play and gave him a snack . Finally after being there for over 2 hours , I had to pack things up , because he needed to get home for a nap . But , how do you take your children anywhere that they can get into things like that ? I 'm just looking for advice for next time this happens . My son is very active , and he 'd much rather explore the house than play with toys . That 's the way he is at home too . Sometimes you have to break something to get it replaced . At least that 's what I found out today . Yesterday I opened the bi - fold doors to our laundry closet , and the piece connecting it to the top runner broke off . Well , actually the wood holding that piece in split right down the middle . These doors are old , and we 're discussed replacing them anyway . They will stay up for a while the way they are , so it 's no big deal . Still I felt really bad for having broken it , even though I really didn 't do it . Matt told me today that we can go tonight and get new closet doors to install . What ? ! If I knew it was going to be that easy to get things taken care of , I would have started breaking things a long time ago . Hmm , what can I break next . I hope that your Easter was great . We had a lot of fun . Zachariah says Easter eggs are great ! ( Yes , I snapped that picture just as the egg flew out of his hand . Looks like it 's floating in air . ) Zachariah was a snazziest dressed boy everywhere we went . He was so cute in his little Easter suit . We had a busy day today , but I have a feeling that it will not compare to the crazy schedule we have for tomorrow . Today we went across town to get a few groceries . Matt went to a meat locker to stock up on meat for our freezer . He dropped me off at the salon for a hair cut . I got about 6 + inches cut off . It was getting really long , and I was ready for a change . It is now shoulder length . I will try to get a picture of it soon and I 'll post it for you to see . This afternoon we went out of town to an electronics store . We had decided to buy a new laptop , and Matt had done research and decided which one to get . We went to pick it up at the store we knew had it . It 's a really nice laptop . It sure beats the old one from Matt 's work that I 'd been using . We do have a nice desktop computer , but it 's hard for me to use that when Zachariah is playing during the day . I like having a computer that 's easier to access when I have some free time . This one will be nice to use . It also has a built - in web cam , so when Matt 's traveling we can talk to him and see him . We 're thinking it will be really handy if Matt gets this job and goes away for 2 months for training out of state . We 're heading to bed soon , since we 'll have to get an early start tomorrow . In the morning we 're going to an early service at church . 7 : 00AM . Zachariah is never out of bed before that . We 're hoping we can at least get him up and dressed when we need to go . Oh , we found the cutest Easter outfit for Zachariah . I will definitely post a picture of him in it . Then we 're staying for breakfast at church , and we have a class after that . It should all be over by 10 : 30AM . And then we will head up to my parents ' house for a big family dinner . Hopefully Zachariah will sleep on the way there . I 'm sure he 'll be happy to see everyone there . It should be a fun day . And of course I can 't wait until Zachariah sees his Easter basket . Oh , I almost forgot while we were out today , we stopped in a pet store . They had bunnies in a bin there . Easter bunnies , of course . Matt lifted Posted by When I did my Big 50 post my # 2 was that I get along great with my in - laws . Really , we all get along great . It is so sad to me when I see that people don 't get along with their in - laws . I feel like they could be missing out on a fantastic relationship . I guess I 've never seen anything differently . My parents ( who are still married after 29 years ) get along great with each others parents . My dad was there for my mom 's parents when my grandfather was very ill and dying . He was there to reassure my grandfather that he would help take care of my grandmother . ( My mom only has sisters , so I think my grandfather worried that things around the house wouldn 't be taken care of . ) My dad still to this day looks out for my grandmother . And he does it with a smile on his face . . . even when my grandmother has called him for the 3rd time about a particular problem . He 's sees that as part of who she is , and he deals with it . In the same regard , I 've only seen my mother treat my father 's parents with complete respect . She 's there for my grandmother when she needs someone to talk to . And she 'd help with anything they needed . I 'm sure that part of my life experience has been molded too by the fact that I 've never dealt with divorce in my family . My paternal grandparents are still married after 49 years ( and many problems ) and 7 children . My maternal grandparents were married almost 45 years before my grandfather passed away . And like I said my parents are still married too . I think that is awesome ! I feel so blessed for this too . OK , my in - laws . They have been married for over 29 years now . Their parents ( now all passed on ) were married for a long time too . My father - in - law has always been a caring soul . He 's a quiet shoulder to cry on whenever you need one . He 's fun and likes spontaneous adventure . My mother - in - law is a dear person . She is very kind to everyone . She would give you the shirt off her back . She goes out of her way and lives to do things for her family . They have both always treated me as one of their own children . They hPosted by Today was quite a day . First , I 'm on day 2 of my period . Arrgghh ! And I was out of tampons this morning . I went to the store to stock up and then I saw this product . It caught my interest after the discussion on Swistle 's and others ' blogs about the diva cup . I have considered something like that . So when I saw the " Instead " product , I figured it would be a good way to give that type of product a try . This particular " cup " is not reusable like others . I have been using it today , and I like it . I won 't go into all the gory details here , but it 's comfortable and much easier than all the other stuff I normally deal with . But in general I have the period ickiness . I want to go to bed early . My neck is stiff and giving me a headache . And I get moody in a split second . But I 'm hoping that tomorrow will be a better day . Secondly , Zachariah was a CRAB today ! I 'm not sure what the problem was . Maybe he sense my ickiness ? Who knows . He seemed to be in a good mood when he woke up . Then he hit his head on the bathroom door , because he was so excited to see me come out and he came flying at me . He was so upset and it was time for a nap . But , he only slept for an hour . His nap schedule has been so screwed up these past few weeks . I need to try to re - establish a better schedule . He did OK when we went to the store , but he refused lunch when we got home . He seemed grouchy , so I laid him down for a nap . He stayed awake in his bed for 2 hours ! He fussed a few times , and I went in to tuck him back in . Mostly he stayed in his bed and " talked " to himself . He got up and wanted to eat . Imagine that ! So I fed him and he played for a little while . No more than an hour later , he was getting tired . So , back to bed he went . He fell right asleep this time . The problem with later afternoon naps is that I have to wake him up , so I can go tutor . Then he threw a little fit just before he went to bed tonight too . Grrrr . That didn 't sit well with me . Luckily he went right to sleep . I hope he wakes up on the better side of the bed tomorrow . Matt and IPosted by How can we constantly keep our children from harm ? Just thinking about this makes my heart ache . We all see it on the news every day . A child wanders away from his parents never to be seen again . Kidnappings . Rapes . What a sad world we live in . We all think that we 're doing the best for our children and watching them all the time . This would never happen to our children . But the parents of the children who were kidnapped probably think they 're protecting their children in the same way . How paranoid should we be about this ? In one book I read about parenting the author tells about his views about being around your kids all the time . ( " First Time Mom " by Dr . Kevin Leman ) He shares that he and his wife never let any of their 5 children stay overnight with friends . They didn 't feel that was safe . How well do you know they parents ? How well do you know any other family members that may enter that house ? And many other questions . To some extent I feel that this is a bit extreme . We stayed over at friends ' houses all the time when we were kids / teens . Yes , it does pay to know the family , though . On the other hand , how well will that parent watch the children . My child ? Do I really trust that they will do things the way I do them ? Do they know that their uncle who happens to stop by is a child molester ? Stuff like that scares me . So maybe my children will never sleep over at any one 's house . It 's just a whole big issue on how do we protect our children . My son fell into the door , and he consequently had a HUGE bruise on his head for several days . Was I watching my son ? Yes ! Could I have saved him from getting hurt ? No , it happened so quickly that I couldn 't have stopped it . I think the only way to protect him from physical harm ( at this age ) is to wrap him in huge sheets of bubble wrap . Do you think that would work ? But then we 'd need to talk about the psychological damage it would cause him in elementary school . For now I 'll just trust in God to protect my family . I 'll continue to pray over them daily . I 'll tuck my son into Posted by After lunch today , I decided to make a little tent in the living room for Zachariah to play in . I thought he might enjoy crawling in and out and playing with his toys in there . Actually , he really did like it . He kept laughing when I peeked inside . Then he 'd peek out at me when he was playing by himself . He played with that thing for almost an hour . He wore himself out , and he was ready for an early nap ! Wow , that doesn 't happen often ! I have been trying to convince him to even take an afternoon nap for the last few weeks . Then he usually only gets a small nap in before I 'm waking him up , so we can go to tutoring . So , I hope that he 'll be in a great mood tonight . This afternoon at the after - school program I work at , we 're having an Easter party for the younger kids . I stuffed eggs for an Easter egg hunt . Then we 're going to help them dye eggs and a few other crafts . It should be fun . I just hope it doesn 't get too out of control . Those are days I come home with a headache . Yesterday I took Zachariah to the playground . It was 78 and sunny ! So nice . Today - - I see snowflakes coming down out there . Welcome to Ohio . Well , this is my 50th post since I started this blog . I have enjoyed blogging so far , and I think it 's something I will keep up for a while . I 've never been good at journaling , but I 've always felt like I needed someway to vent and share my life and feelings . This is working out perfectly for me . I haven 't found my blog niche yet , but I think I will some day . Until then I 'll keep up my random blogging . So , in honor of my 50th blog , I 'm going to make a list of 50 random things about me . I 'll try to make it interesting . We 'll see how this goes . 1 . My middle name is Jean . Ugh . I 'm not terribly fond of it , but I don 't know what I would choose instead . It is my mother 's and grandmother 's middle name . I used to feel like I should pass it on to my firstborn girl , because that 's how it 's gone so far . But I don 't think I could do that now . ( It happens to be my mother - in - law 's middle name too . Strange . ) 2 . I LOVE my in - laws ! I know so many people who have in - law trouble . I don 't ! They 're great ! My second set of parents . We have always gotten along great . ( Maybe this will make a good future post about them . ) 3 . If my son would have been a girl his name would have been Layla Nichole . I don 't think I 'd choose this for future children . We didn 't talk about girl names for very long before we found out we were having a boy , so if it would have been a girl I 'm sure other names would have come up . Who knows if I would have stuck with the name . I didn 't want to name the baby before it was born . I think I will always be that way . I want options until the end . 4 . I hate ironing . I don 't mind doing laundry , but I want NOTHING to do with anything that needs ironed . 5 . I don 't have a dishwasher , and that sucks . 6 . We couldn 't really put a dishwasher in this kitchen unless we completely remodeled . And that 's out of the question for now . 7 . I 've lived in Ohio all my life . Actually , I lived in the same house from birth until I got married . And my parents lived there 2 years before I came along , and they just moved 2 years ago . They bought a nicer Posted by I have never done this before , but there is a contest going on over at 5 Minutes for Mom . Go check it out . Sign up so you can win a new Dyson Slim vacuum . Then you just have to post about it on your blog . Works for me . Good luck ! Thanks Mommy Brain for showing me the way . The Easter Bunny photo session went GREAT ! Zachariah loved the Easter Bunny . I sat him down in the bunny 's lap , and he turned around and smiled the biggest smile ever . He kept staring at the bunny . He thought it was great . Then we got him to turn around and face me for the picture . He gave me one of his infamous " cheesy " grins . It turned out cute though . OK , now with the cuteness out of the way , I can 't believe how much Zachariah is doing and saying all of the sudden lately . It 's like a little explosion of activity . I started making a list of all the things he says and all the signs he does regularly . I was surprised at how many I could quickly add to the list . And I just added two new signs in the last two days . He " says " about 9 words ( mostly small jabbering words ) . And he has 12 good signs . There are other signs he recognized , but he has yet to sign them back to me . He surprises me daily with his knowledge though . Before I know it he 'll be talking so much I won 't be able to shut him up . But that 's OK . That just means one more adventure in his life . I can 't wait . Last night when Zachariah was playing after supper , he was starting to act tired . I asked him if it was time for bed . He signed bed , got up , and started walking towards his bedroom . All the way into his room he 'd sign bed , and wave bye bye , bed , bye bye , bed , bye bye . All of the way in there . We were laughing hysterically . Then he came back out of his room with his blankie and pacifier - both of which he only gets at bedtime . So cute ! We knew he was ready for bed . It 's great . So off to dreamland he went . I am a mother . I have been married to Matt since 2000 , and we have two beautiful sons - Zachariah ( born March 2006 ) & Jonah ( born March 2013 ) . I am a licensed teacher , but I love being a stay at home mom . |
OK , here 's a question for everyone . Is this outfit too girly for Zachariah ? Seriously now ? This is a Carter 's outfit . I searched online , but I can 't find it anywhere . I swear I bought it in the infant boys ' department . I chose this color , because he doesn 't have many colors other than blue or green . Although he has a few red tops for summer now . I thought this soft red and orange color was cute . Now I 'm second - guessing it . All because when I went into a store today an older lady was talking to Zachariah , and then she asked me if it was a boy or girl ! Since he was born that 's only happened one other time . And it was only a few months ago . He was wearing a cute blue sweater . I don 't know . . . maybe that was a little girly too . Oh well , I know he 's all boy . Here 's a full view . And here 's what the front looks like . It says " Little Monster " . OK , so while we 're talking about it , is this outfit girly too ? Matt thought it was a little girly looking . I don 't think it is . It 's from Old Navy . Again , it is not blue or green . Do people expect boys to only wear those colors ? I think this outfit is adorable ! And this is another shot ( from a different camera , so the lighting is different ) . So ? Posted by What is wrong with me ? I have been a crazy person this weekend . It 's been an up and down roller coaster . I 'm not sure why . Hormones ? Is it that time of month ? It could be . Am I pregnant ? Well . . . I don 't think I am , but who knows . ( My mother says it 's always a possibility . ) Somethings got to give soon . I think I 'm starting to drive myself nuts . I just sat down here with some Almond M & M 's , so maybe that will help . Chocolate is always good . Friday I was crabby , because of this issue I posted about . That just put me in a bad mood all night . And I think blogging about it made me think about it more , so I just stayed in that mood . Saturday was fun . We all went to a community garage sale . I found a few places with some name - brand , barely used baby clothes for Zachariah to wear next winter . Even though it wasn 't much , it was nice to find a few deals . And I normally hate to go to garage sales . Bleck . But we walked for 2 hours around the really nice neighborhoods . Matt and I talked the whole time , while Zachariah was content in his stroller . It worked out nice . Then we stopped for ice cream afterwards . . . . a treat we haven 't indulged in for some time . Oh , and the kind I tried was amazing ! When we got home , Zachariah was ready for a nap . He slept for 2 hours . I was even able to lay down for 1 / 2 hour . It felt nice . Then Matt 's parents came over . Matt grilled burgers , and we had salads with them . Yum . It was fun having them over . So , see , Saturday was fun ! Matt even commented that I was in a much better mood . ( Although , he was not perceptive enough to figure out WHY I was in a bad mood the night before . And for fear of biting off his head , I did not tell him . ) Today . Well , I asked Matt to keep an eye on Zachariah this morning , so I could get my shower . Matt was already showered and dressed and reading the paper . Zachariah was already up , changed , dressed , and had eaten breakfast . Shouldn 't be hard . . . just let the kid play with his toys . By " keeping an eye on him " all I meant was that he had to make sure he didn 't hurt himself or getPosted by I don 't know how it is in your house , but this is a typical occurrence here . Zachariah : Making grunting noises and signing " potty " ( which means he 's dirtying his diaper ) Me : Uh oh , not again . Honey , it 's your turn this time . I changed ALL his diapers today and already dealt with a messy one . Hubby : No , that 's OK , you can take care of it . Me : Ha , ha , nope it 's on you . Hubby : SilentZachariah : Back to playing - didn 't mess diaper * * * cut to 10 minutes later * * * Me : Oh , he 's definitely going potty this time . Hubby : Oh ? Me : Yes , he wants to fill a diaper for Daddy . Zachariah : Signing " potty " , grunting , starting to stinkMe : Eww , go let Daddy smell it . Hubby : Gives me a look for that commentMe : Well , I guess someone needs to change him . Go ahead . Hubby : Yeah , right . Me : Gets up , takes child into the other room and changes his stupid diaper . . . . again ! For the millionth time this week ! Hubby : Comes into the nursery after the diaper is changed and a fresh one is on . Takes out the trash and announces : I 'm taking out the trash . Me : thinking : Gee thanks , especially since I asked you to do it 2 hours ago . And I do it EVERY OTHER SINGLE TIME ! Me : Completely ignores hubby 's attempt at getting a Thank You , and goes on her merry way with a fresh smelling baby . I just heard wonderful news . A relative of mine is pregnant ! Babies are always fun . She has a son who is 3 weeks younger than mine . They , too , had problems getting pregnant with him . She was actually on fertility treatments , but then decided to take a month off . That 's when she got pregnant . It was fun being pregnant together , and now our little guys have fun at holiday get - togethers . Unfortunately she isn 't someone I 'm around much , so I will probably miss most of her pregnancy . She 's due around Thanksgiving time . I 'll probably meet the baby at Christmas . As exciting as this is , it makes me feel more depressed than happy . : ( Silly , isn 't it ? Part of this is explained in the posts I 'm putting together in response to Swistle 's posts about baby spacing and how many . I don 't want to ruin those posts for you . I am still working on them . They are issues that I care a lot about , but I have a hard time communicating my feelings on these matters to it 's taking me a while to construct the post . Just know they are coming . Anyway , back to my point . I feel happy / sad about learning that this relative is pregnant . I am happy for her ( oh so happy that it didn 't take long to get pregnant again ) . I am happy about a new baby in the family ( even if it 's extended family ) . But I always feel momentary sadness when I find out someone I know is pregnant . Most of this stems from my own fertility issues ( to be talked about more later ) . I hope that when we 're ready to try for another one , I will get pregnant right away . Only time will tell . Then the other issue is that I AM READY FOR ANOTHER BABY ! If Matt said let 's go , I 'd be trying to get pregnant tonight ( in a manner of speaking ) . That doesn 't mean that everything in our life is ready for that , though . Since Matt is looking for a better job , we will most likely be moving in the near future . Matt is nervous at the possibility of me being pregnant when we 're moving . Also , as far as baby spacing , I 'm not sure it 's the right time yet . I 'd be happy if it happened , but I don 't know what my idealPosted by Ahh , life is boring . I suppose I shouldn 't ask for more . If it wasn 't boring , then something bad would probably be happening . So , I 'll take the boring days / weeks . Because really it 's been more like a boring week for me . We had some bedtime issues tonight . I put Zachariah down to sleep at his normal time . He would not sleep . He cried off and on for an hour straight . I finally gave in ( NOT typical for me . . . bedtime means sleeping normally ) . Matt was not home , so I thought maybe that was the problem . When Matt got home he played with Zac for quite awhile . That seemed to wear him out . Then he was anxious to go to bed . He was trying to figure out how to climb into the crib himself . And now he is peacefully sleeping . I just hope he doesn 't do this again tomorrow night . Matt might be gone then too . I have been watching quite a few movies lately . Oh , probably about 2 - 3 a week . Is that a lot ? Normally I 'm lucky to watch 1 a month . The reason . . . Vongo . It came with a free trial loaded on our laptop . We really like it so far . It 's not as nice as say Netflix , but for us who don 't watch that many movies it has plenty that we 've never seen . I 've watched so many different movies lately that they 're all starting to become predictable . Maybe I need to expand my typical genres of movies . I guess that 's all I have to talk about . What an exciting life I lead ! Today I was humbled , by seeing true humility from someone else . OK , I 've tried writing this blog 3 times now . The only thing that I 've kept each time is that line at the beginning . I guess I really don 't need to go into details . That 's not what matters . Here 's enough of the story to get the point . I crossed paths today with someone who needed help . Another mother who needed something for her child . I jumped up immediately to do what I could for her . And later Matt and I talked about it , and we 've decided to help a little more . This young mother was so grateful for this little thing that I did for her . But it was something that she needed . I didn 't mind doing it . In fact , I loved doing it for her . I love helping others . In just the 4 minutes I talked to her , she hugged me 3 times and thanked me over and over . I told her all I wanted for her was to keep being a great mom . We are so blessed . We have everything we need and a lot that we want . My son has more clothes than a child his age should rightfully have . It 's crazy to see the closet full , and yet I just can 't resist buying something new every once in a while . I have never had to wonder where I 'll get the money to buy diapers , food , or anything . God has blessed us . And I love that I can pass it on . Here I have been concerned and proud of my son for being so smart and learning sign language and everything else he 's doing now . And after this experience today , I thought , you know , that is the stuff that really doesn 't matter . What really matters is the my son is happy , healthy , loved , and cared for . And so is this other child , even though she can 't offer him as I much as I can for my son . But I know he is loved . And THAT is what really matters . We were visiting my family yesterday . I forget how nice it is to be around a few other adults who don 't mind chasing a toddler around for a little while . For now it works out nicely that Zachariah is the only grandchild . That means he has the undivided attention of grandparents , aunts , and uncles . So , when I arrived at the grandparents ' house , I was able to let go of the kid and take my things in on my own . This never happens . I didn 't have to lug a kid plus all our stuff . It 's a wonderful feeling . We 're going on vacation in less than 3 weeks with my family . Everyone is excited about going . We all get along great and we have fun together . It is also exciting , because it will be Zachariah 's first trip to the ocean . It will be fun to see him stick his little baby toes in the water and on the sand . It 's reassuring to me to have all this help there for us . It won 't be just Matt and I chasing the kid around the whole time . I know that the rest of the family wants to spend time with him too . I 'm not sure I 'll know what to do with myself . I 'm used to taking care of him almost every waking moment . Matt keeps talking about the fun things we can do . The usual things we do while we 're at the beach - sunbathing , boogie boarding , walking on the beach , and other things . I keep telling him that this just isn 't going to work . We have Zachariah to worry about now . I just don 't think I 'll have as much time to do these fun things that I used to enjoy at the beach . This has been discouraging to Matt , because he wants me to have fun too . I keep telling him that I 'll need his help a little more than normal . And the more I think about it , the more I realize I will be able to let everyone else help me out too . It is fun and relaxing for my family to spend time with Zachariah . After seeing them play with him this weekend , I think I 'll be able to let go better . For now . . . just pictures . Zachariah and I outside at my sister 's house . Zachariah peeking at us through the tree . This is the cutest picture of Zachariah . I just love it . Well , first of all let me talk about this last post . It generated a lot of comments . Yes , I know I should be able to have time alone . I do . . . if I really want / need to . . . with a little convincing . Anyway , that isn 't the real issue . It has more to do with the fact that he won 't do something with me that I 'd really like to do . Usually , he 's on board with doing things with me , but this particular thing not so much . He 's not a very social person , and I think this is out of his comfort zone . To be honest I think the other stuff is just excuses to get out of it . I don 't yet know if we 'll go to the small group or not yet . I 'll let you know what happens . I will not go with the baby . It 's either all or none . So , if Matt 's not interested and I can 't convince him , then I won 't go either . But actually , Matt hurt his back this week . He went to the chiropractor today , and he was ordered to relax this weekend and do no yard work ( which was his excuse for staying home tomorrow ) . Ha ! Take that ! OK , that was mean . : ( Today I had this itching feeling . I just couldn 't stay in the house one more day . I needed to go somewhere . Luckily my sister let us come over . She helps her husband run a pizza shop , so she had to be around . But we kept her company since it was a slow afternoon anyway . Plus that was better than walking around the mall again . I knew if I did that I would just buy Zachariah more clothes that he doesn 't need . I think his closet will overflow if I put one more thing in there . But a nice visit with my sister did me good . And on Sunday we 've decided to go to my parents ' house . The boys are going golfing . I 'll just stay back and visit with my mom . It 's supposed to be super nice outside , so we 'll just chase Zachariah all over the yard . I 'm sure he 'll love that . And it will be nice for me to just be out again too . What are your weekend plans . I hope it 's warm and sunshiny where you are too . Enjoy . Is it too much to ask for a night to do something I want to do ? Sorry , but I 'm complaining about my husband again . ( Disclaimer : He really is a great guy . I only complain here , because I can ! ) I have been trying to talk Matt into getting involved in a small group at church for a long time now . For the first few years we were married we were involved in great groups . I loved the dynamics and friendships of those groups . I have kept friends to this day that I met and got to know better through those groups . Unfortunately when the last group fizzled out , we didn 't find another group . The last few years I 've been interesting in joining a new small group , but Matt was not . It was something I really wanted to do with him . In the last month or so we were approached about a new group starting . It is one I think I would like very much . I can not get him interested in it . It starts Saturday . He told me I could go by myself . Ha , by myself ! What this really means is I have to take Zachariah with me , so Matt can have time to himself to do things at home . I NEVER get a chance like that ! Matt started going to a bible study on Wednesday nights . He also does some computer work a few nights a week ( some weeks ) . Me - I get zero nights to do anything I want to do ! All I 'm asking is for one night a week . I 'm not even saying I want a night alone or without the kid . I want my husband to come with me to the small group for 2 hours . We 'll take Zachariah along , but two of us can handle him a lot better than one . Ahh , I really don 't know what to do . I guess unless he comes around and decides this is something he wants to do , then I won 't be going . Such an exciting , eventful life I lead . I 'm too tired to think of something to blog about . Zachariah would not take a nap this afternoon . I would think he was sleeping then 15 - 20 minutes later I 'd hear him squealing or crying . This went on for almost 2 hours . Ahh , at least I got a little done between laying him down again and again and again . Oh , now he wants more to eat . Well , here are some cute pictures for your enjoyment . He was a camera ham this morning . Both of us hamming it up the other day . We look a little dorky , but that 's OK . Zachariah discovered the exercise ball and all its fun . Hilarious to watch . This thing is so big that it knocks him over sometimes . I love reading blogs . I guess it 's a way for me to connect other people without having to invest a lot of time and energy into a relationship . I have a list of blogs that I check daily . Lately , I 've been realizing that there is one particular blog that I have a love / hate relationship with . I like the fact that it 's another mother with a young child . I like some of the topics are come up in her blog . But it 's funny , because I 'd say half of the time I come out of her blog feeling . . . drained . Maybe that 's not the right word . I 'm not sure what is though . And I 'm not positive what keeps drawing me back to this particular blog . Don 't worry , it 's not any of you . To my knowledge , this person does not read my blog . And just in case , I 'm keeping it vague enough that it wouldn 't matter . I think I feel a sense of snobbiness from this person . I guess if that 's part of her true personality , then it will probably come out in her blog . I wonder , though , how much of it is a show for others . She at times makes ( or at least appears to ) herself look better than others . Her child is perfect . She 's a great parent and does wonderful things for this child . She makes herself sound like Supermom sometimes . And she probably is a great mother . It 's just something about the way she " flaunts " it . So , why do I keep reading her blog . I return daily to see if she has posted anything new or interesting . I have realized my frustration with her , so if I feel like a particular blog entry is leaning towards showiness , then I stop reading it . Have you ever been friends with a person you just constantly " give " to ? And they just " take " , " take " , " take " ? They might be a great person , but when you talk to them it 's all about them . It 's a one - sided friendship . I have a semi - friend that I had in college who was very much like this . You could try to carry on a conversation with her , but whenever you started telling anything about your life or something happening it always turned back to her . My one sister is like this . It 's emotionally draining for me to have a cPosted by I 'd like to take a moment of silence this morning for all the students , victims , and families of those affected by the shootings at VA Tech . If you read this , please take a moment to prayer for ( or at least send good thoughts ) the way of these people . How very sad . I 'll post something real later . I have been doing a great job keeping up with the daily grim here in my house lately . My kitchen is spotless . . . almost . The floors are clean . . . mostly . And there is a lighter layer of dust than usual . Normally I keep up with the laundry , dishes , floors , dusting , etc . But I have been doing more . Instead of dusting maybe once a week ( or once every two weeks ) , I 'm dusting twice a week . Instead of letting dishes pile up for a day of two , I am doing dishes after every meal . And so on . And I 've been cleaning other parts of the house too . I am trying hard to keep ahead of stuff instead of just making do and keeping up . Then I look around the house in the evening . There are things on the counter in the kitchen and bath toys on the bathroom floor . And at any given point in the day I may have laundry baskets out or dishes and meal prep items on the counters . It always seems that 's when someone will stop by my house . Will they even notice that I 'm keeping up with my house better ? So if you decide to drop by , just know that when no one is here and the baby is napping , my house is practically spotless . If you want to see my house all picked up , call before you stop . Devan of All D 's gave birth to a beautiful baby boy on Friday . She was only in labor about 5 hours and got him out in one push ! Way to go Devan . He is adorable . I 'm sure he 's the perfect addition to their now family of 4 . The sleep problems are surprisingly not with Zachariah . He 's a good sleeper , and most days he takes good naps . Lately though he is having a hard time sticking with a nap schedule , so I don 't know what to expect from one day to the next . The real issue is Matt and I . Matt likes to sleep in on the weekends . He always has . I used to sleep in on Saturdays , but like most mothers that ended when I had a baby . Matt gets to blissfully slumber for extra hours while I 'm up chasing the kid around , making sure he 's dressed , feeding him , and whatever else needs done . So , when Zachariah was a newborn Matt was very gracious about letting me nap on Sunday afternoons . He would watch him as long as he could , until he thought he was hungry . Then of course I had to get up , so I could nurse him . That was so nice to get a little extra rest . Lately ( meaning the last several months or so ) , I haven 't been getting those desperately desired Sunday afternoon naps . If I 'm lucky , I can get a small one in when Zachariah takes an afternoon nap . Then usually by the time he wakes up , I get up to find that Matt just fell asleep on the couch . And he complains that Zac comes over and bugs him and won 't let him sleep . Grr , where 's a frying pan when you need one . This all leads me to what happened on this lovely Sunday afternoon . I put Zachariah down for his nap . And since I already had a load of laundry going , I figured I may as well lay down for a while . I fell asleep right away , but about 1 / 2 hour or so later , I heard Zachariah . It sounded like he was in the living room , though . I could tell that Matt got him up , and they were playing . So I figured it was safe to go back to sleep . I only slept a little bit off and on for about another 1 / 2 hour after that . But , still it was nice to get that nap . Then as I 'm laying there , I heard the bedroom door open . Then I hear a squeal of excitement from my son . Matt had let him in to wake me up . I talked to him and played with him on the bed for a little while . Matt said " He was signing ' milk ' , so I got him some mPosted by I captured the picture , you give it a caption . If this works maybe I 'll make it a common weekend post . I have several things floating through my head today , but I can 't think of enough to make a full post . So , just a picture for now . Here it is . Name it . Dear precious son , I fear that I have damaged you for life . I may have caused you to be OCD . Sorry ! It 's probably because I 'm a little that way . I didn 't mean to pawn my problems off on you too . When you eat , you can 't have anything on or around your mouth . It 's funny because you wipe your mouth with the back of your hand . You do try to get any " left - overs " into your mouth , but when that doesn 't work it ends up on the back of your hand . This seems to bother you less than having stuff on the front of your hands . We haven 't had much warm weather yet , but you have enjoyed being outside on the few nice days this spring . I let you wander around the driveway a little bit . You 're still a little wobbly on uneven surfaces at times . So trying to walk in the grass proves futile . A few times when I was following you around the driveway you fell gently forward . You were discusted at the small stones and dirt on your hand . It was funny watching you try to stand up with your little hands stretched out in front of you like they had the plague and might infect you at any moment . You were not going to use those hands when they were so dirty . I came over and tried to rectify the problem by showing you if you brush your hands together it will get most of the dirt off . That seemed to help . I know the problem with food on your face was started by me , and to be fair Grandma warned me . When I first started feeding you rice cereal and other baby foods , I always kept your mouth clean . If a little bit got on your face , I promptly wiped it off with the spoon or a wet rag . I still do this . But now it 's funny to watch you wipe things off immediately , because they must bug you immensely the way you do it . I suppose I will be the cause of other things you do in life that may not be the best . You 'll probably be a perfectionist too . Sorry for that as well . Although your father could play a role in that too . I guess that 's what you get for being the first - born child to two first - borns . I just hope that we 'll do enough good things to you that you will sPosted by This is funny . I 'm ready to go . Will you join me ? - - Go to Google . com ( or click my link below for the next step ) - - Click on Maps . - - Click on get Directions . - - From New York , New York - - To Paris , France . - - And read line # 23 . This is a pretty random post about things I 've been thinking / wondering about or experiencing . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * I don 't watch American Idol , but I hear about it all the time . ( I 'm not opposed to it , we watched Season2 and part of 3 . ) What 's up with this Sanjaya ? I hear about him constantly on TV . It seems that people have an extreme love or hate for the kid . Is it a popularity contest or a singing contest ? Anyway , I 'm just tired of hearing about him . Don 't vote for him if you don 't want him to stay in the contest . And if he stays in , then I guess people like him . I wish the media would let it go . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Taxes are due on Monday . We did ours weeks ago . Why do people wait until the last minute ? Taxes come at the same time every year . I suppose if you have to pay in it 's not as much fun . We 've always gotten money back , so I don 't mind doing ours . In fact we already have our tax return back , and that 's why we decided to buy this new laptop . The rest of the money will be spent on home improvement projects . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Should preschoolers be allowed online ? There is a toy which is supposedly popular for this age group . It looks like a stuffed animal , but you can interact with it online . So , would you let your preschooler use the Internet ? I 'm not sure what I would do . I guess I 'll cross that road when I come to it . I suppose Zachariah will have an interest in computers when he 's young , because Matt and I use computers A LOT . But the Internet , I don 't think I 'm comfortable with such a young child using that . We already have parental controls ready to install on our computers . We know we don 't want our children to have computers in their rooms . It will be in a central location where we can monitor their time online . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Zachariah loves his cereal in the morning . I think it 's the only reason he wakes up . He usually gets up has cereal and milk and a banana . Then within the next 1 / 2 hour he 's ready for a nap . He rarely stays up longer than that after his breakfast . Now it does take him about 1 / 2 hour to an houPosted by Do you think it will help ? If I imagine warm , spring weather , will it happen ? Ahh , I can hope ! It 's cold and rainy today . At least the rain does make me think it 's actually spring . But it has been way to cold this past week . And it sounds like it 's here to stay for a while longer . Yuck ! I am ready for some warmth and sunshine . In 4 short weeks , we 'll be on our way to the beach . I can 't wait ! We 're going to Emerald Isle , North Carolina . We go to North Carolina with my family at least every other year . This will be Zachariah 's first trip to the ocean . Last time we went to NC both of my sisters got engaged that week , and Zachariah was either conceived that week or shortly after . Apparently vacations are relaxing . ; ) First of all I 'm concerned about the LONG drive to NC from here . I don 't know how Zachariah will be in the car all day long . We 're driving about 8 - 10 hours the first day . Then we 'll go about another 4 - 5 the next morning . I think splitting the trip up will help . Last time Matt and I drove all the way through with my sister and Jared . But I told them I didn 't want to try it this time . We might consider driving all the way home in one day , though . It will be great to lay in the sun and relax a little . I know it won 't be as easy as before , because I 'll be chasing a toddler up and down the beach and making sure he gets naps . I 'm sure he 'll play so hard that nap time won 't be an issue . But , I also will have 6 extra people there to help that I don 't normally have here during the day . And grandparents and an aunt and uncle that can 't wait to spend more time with him will be nice too . It will finally give Matt and I a chance to get away for a night by ourselves . And maybe I will get some beach - bumming in . So , I suppose if the weather insists on staying cold for now , I 'll just have to imagine myself on the beach . What do you do when you go to a non - parent friend 's house with your toddler / baby ? I tried to make a subtle comment about how he gets into everything when I talked to my friend before we went to her place . But this friend ( lets call her Colleen ) has lots of knick - knacks , photo frames , and other things all within reach of my son . Yikes ! Thank goodness I had the foresight to put the pack - n - play in the back of my car . I went to retrieve it from the car within the first 5 minutes . Luckily we don 't use it often , so Zachariah thought it was something fun . I had brought along some of the new toys he 'd gotten for Easter and hadn 't played with yet , so they were fun and exciting . This bought me a little time to sit and talk to my friend with my son happily playing beside us . We got him out to walk around the house a few times . Then I put him back in the pack - n - play and gave him a snack . Finally after being there for over 2 hours , I had to pack things up , because he needed to get home for a nap . But , how do you take your children anywhere that they can get into things like that ? I 'm just looking for advice for next time this happens . My son is very active , and he 'd much rather explore the house than play with toys . That 's the way he is at home too . Sometimes you have to break something to get it replaced . At least that 's what I found out today . Yesterday I opened the bi - fold doors to our laundry closet , and the piece connecting it to the top runner broke off . Well , actually the wood holding that piece in split right down the middle . These doors are old , and we 're discussed replacing them anyway . They will stay up for a while the way they are , so it 's no big deal . Still I felt really bad for having broken it , even though I really didn 't do it . Matt told me today that we can go tonight and get new closet doors to install . What ? ! If I knew it was going to be that easy to get things taken care of , I would have started breaking things a long time ago . Hmm , what can I break next . I hope that your Easter was great . We had a lot of fun . Zachariah says Easter eggs are great ! ( Yes , I snapped that picture just as the egg flew out of his hand . Looks like it 's floating in air . ) Zachariah was a snazziest dressed boy everywhere we went . He was so cute in his little Easter suit . We had a busy day today , but I have a feeling that it will not compare to the crazy schedule we have for tomorrow . Today we went across town to get a few groceries . Matt went to a meat locker to stock up on meat for our freezer . He dropped me off at the salon for a hair cut . I got about 6 + inches cut off . It was getting really long , and I was ready for a change . It is now shoulder length . I will try to get a picture of it soon and I 'll post it for you to see . This afternoon we went out of town to an electronics store . We had decided to buy a new laptop , and Matt had done research and decided which one to get . We went to pick it up at the store we knew had it . It 's a really nice laptop . It sure beats the old one from Matt 's work that I 'd been using . We do have a nice desktop computer , but it 's hard for me to use that when Zachariah is playing during the day . I like having a computer that 's easier to access when I have some free time . This one will be nice to use . It also has a built - in web cam , so when Matt 's traveling we can talk to him and see him . We 're thinking it will be really handy if Matt gets this job and goes away for 2 months for training out of state . We 're heading to bed soon , since we 'll have to get an early start tomorrow . In the morning we 're going to an early service at church . 7 : 00AM . Zachariah is never out of bed before that . We 're hoping we can at least get him up and dressed when we need to go . Oh , we found the cutest Easter outfit for Zachariah . I will definitely post a picture of him in it . Then we 're staying for breakfast at church , and we have a class after that . It should all be over by 10 : 30AM . And then we will head up to my parents ' house for a big family dinner . Hopefully Zachariah will sleep on the way there . I 'm sure he 'll be happy to see everyone there . It should be a fun day . And of course I can 't wait until Zachariah sees his Easter basket . Oh , I almost forgot while we were out today , we stopped in a pet store . They had bunnies in a bin there . Easter bunnies , of course . Matt lifted Posted by When I did my Big 50 post my # 2 was that I get along great with my in - laws . Really , we all get along great . It is so sad to me when I see that people don 't get along with their in - laws . I feel like they could be missing out on a fantastic relationship . I guess I 've never seen anything differently . My parents ( who are still married after 29 years ) get along great with each others parents . My dad was there for my mom 's parents when my grandfather was very ill and dying . He was there to reassure my grandfather that he would help take care of my grandmother . ( My mom only has sisters , so I think my grandfather worried that things around the house wouldn 't be taken care of . ) My dad still to this day looks out for my grandmother . And he does it with a smile on his face . . . even when my grandmother has called him for the 3rd time about a particular problem . He 's sees that as part of who she is , and he deals with it . In the same regard , I 've only seen my mother treat my father 's parents with complete respect . She 's there for my grandmother when she needs someone to talk to . And she 'd help with anything they needed . I 'm sure that part of my life experience has been molded too by the fact that I 've never dealt with divorce in my family . My paternal grandparents are still married after 49 years ( and many problems ) and 7 children . My maternal grandparents were married almost 45 years before my grandfather passed away . And like I said my parents are still married too . I think that is awesome ! I feel so blessed for this too . OK , my in - laws . They have been married for over 29 years now . Their parents ( now all passed on ) were married for a long time too . My father - in - law has always been a caring soul . He 's a quiet shoulder to cry on whenever you need one . He 's fun and likes spontaneous adventure . My mother - in - law is a dear person . She is very kind to everyone . She would give you the shirt off her back . She goes out of her way and lives to do things for her family . They have both always treated me as one of their own children . They hPosted by Today was quite a day . First , I 'm on day 2 of my period . Arrgghh ! And I was out of tampons this morning . I went to the store to stock up and then I saw this product . It caught my interest after the discussion on Swistle 's and others ' blogs about the diva cup . I have considered something like that . So when I saw the " Instead " product , I figured it would be a good way to give that type of product a try . This particular " cup " is not reusable like others . I have been using it today , and I like it . I won 't go into all the gory details here , but it 's comfortable and much easier than all the other stuff I normally deal with . But in general I have the period ickiness . I want to go to bed early . My neck is stiff and giving me a headache . And I get moody in a split second . But I 'm hoping that tomorrow will be a better day . Secondly , Zachariah was a CRAB today ! I 'm not sure what the problem was . Maybe he sense my ickiness ? Who knows . He seemed to be in a good mood when he woke up . Then he hit his head on the bathroom door , because he was so excited to see me come out and he came flying at me . He was so upset and it was time for a nap . But , he only slept for an hour . His nap schedule has been so screwed up these past few weeks . I need to try to re - establish a better schedule . He did OK when we went to the store , but he refused lunch when we got home . He seemed grouchy , so I laid him down for a nap . He stayed awake in his bed for 2 hours ! He fussed a few times , and I went in to tuck him back in . Mostly he stayed in his bed and " talked " to himself . He got up and wanted to eat . Imagine that ! So I fed him and he played for a little while . No more than an hour later , he was getting tired . So , back to bed he went . He fell right asleep this time . The problem with later afternoon naps is that I have to wake him up , so I can go tutor . Then he threw a little fit just before he went to bed tonight too . Grrrr . That didn 't sit well with me . Luckily he went right to sleep . I hope he wakes up on the better side of the bed tomorrow . Matt and IPosted by How can we constantly keep our children from harm ? Just thinking about this makes my heart ache . We all see it on the news every day . A child wanders away from his parents never to be seen again . Kidnappings . Rapes . What a sad world we live in . We all think that we 're doing the best for our children and watching them all the time . This would never happen to our children . But the parents of the children who were kidnapped probably think they 're protecting their children in the same way . How paranoid should we be about this ? In one book I read about parenting the author tells about his views about being around your kids all the time . ( " First Time Mom " by Dr . Kevin Leman ) He shares that he and his wife never let any of their 5 children stay overnight with friends . They didn 't feel that was safe . How well do you know they parents ? How well do you know any other family members that may enter that house ? And many other questions . To some extent I feel that this is a bit extreme . We stayed over at friends ' houses all the time when we were kids / teens . Yes , it does pay to know the family , though . On the other hand , how well will that parent watch the children . My child ? Do I really trust that they will do things the way I do them ? Do they know that their uncle who happens to stop by is a child molester ? Stuff like that scares me . So maybe my children will never sleep over at any one 's house . It 's just a whole big issue on how do we protect our children . My son fell into the door , and he consequently had a HUGE bruise on his head for several days . Was I watching my son ? Yes ! Could I have saved him from getting hurt ? No , it happened so quickly that I couldn 't have stopped it . I think the only way to protect him from physical harm ( at this age ) is to wrap him in huge sheets of bubble wrap . Do you think that would work ? But then we 'd need to talk about the psychological damage it would cause him in elementary school . For now I 'll just trust in God to protect my family . I 'll continue to pray over them daily . I 'll tuck my son into Posted by After lunch today , I decided to make a little tent in the living room for Zachariah to play in . I thought he might enjoy crawling in and out and playing with his toys in there . Actually , he really did like it . He kept laughing when I peeked inside . Then he 'd peek out at me when he was playing by himself . He played with that thing for almost an hour . He wore himself out , and he was ready for an early nap ! Wow , that doesn 't happen often ! I have been trying to convince him to even take an afternoon nap for the last few weeks . Then he usually only gets a small nap in before I 'm waking him up , so we can go to tutoring . So , I hope that he 'll be in a great mood tonight . This afternoon at the after - school program I work at , we 're having an Easter party for the younger kids . I stuffed eggs for an Easter egg hunt . Then we 're going to help them dye eggs and a few other crafts . It should be fun . I just hope it doesn 't get too out of control . Those are days I come home with a headache . Yesterday I took Zachariah to the playground . It was 78 and sunny ! So nice . Today - - I see snowflakes coming down out there . Welcome to Ohio . Well , this is my 50th post since I started this blog . I have enjoyed blogging so far , and I think it 's something I will keep up for a while . I 've never been good at journaling , but I 've always felt like I needed someway to vent and share my life and feelings . This is working out perfectly for me . I haven 't found my blog niche yet , but I think I will some day . Until then I 'll keep up my random blogging . So , in honor of my 50th blog , I 'm going to make a list of 50 random things about me . I 'll try to make it interesting . We 'll see how this goes . 1 . My middle name is Jean . Ugh . I 'm not terribly fond of it , but I don 't know what I would choose instead . It is my mother 's and grandmother 's middle name . I used to feel like I should pass it on to my firstborn girl , because that 's how it 's gone so far . But I don 't think I could do that now . ( It happens to be my mother - in - law 's middle name too . Strange . ) 2 . I LOVE my in - laws ! I know so many people who have in - law trouble . I don 't ! They 're great ! My second set of parents . We have always gotten along great . ( Maybe this will make a good future post about them . ) 3 . If my son would have been a girl his name would have been Layla Nichole . I don 't think I 'd choose this for future children . We didn 't talk about girl names for very long before we found out we were having a boy , so if it would have been a girl I 'm sure other names would have come up . Who knows if I would have stuck with the name . I didn 't want to name the baby before it was born . I think I will always be that way . I want options until the end . 4 . I hate ironing . I don 't mind doing laundry , but I want NOTHING to do with anything that needs ironed . 5 . I don 't have a dishwasher , and that sucks . 6 . We couldn 't really put a dishwasher in this kitchen unless we completely remodeled . And that 's out of the question for now . 7 . I 've lived in Ohio all my life . Actually , I lived in the same house from birth until I got married . And my parents lived there 2 years before I came along , and they just moved 2 years ago . They bought a nicer Posted by I have never done this before , but there is a contest going on over at 5 Minutes for Mom . Go check it out . Sign up so you can win a new Dyson Slim vacuum . Then you just have to post about it on your blog . Works for me . Good luck ! Thanks Mommy Brain for showing me the way . The Easter Bunny photo session went GREAT ! Zachariah loved the Easter Bunny . I sat him down in the bunny 's lap , and he turned around and smiled the biggest smile ever . He kept staring at the bunny . He thought it was great . Then we got him to turn around and face me for the picture . He gave me one of his infamous " cheesy " grins . It turned out cute though . OK , now with the cuteness out of the way , I can 't believe how much Zachariah is doing and saying all of the sudden lately . It 's like a little explosion of activity . I started making a list of all the things he says and all the signs he does regularly . I was surprised at how many I could quickly add to the list . And I just added two new signs in the last two days . He " says " about 9 words ( mostly small jabbering words ) . And he has 12 good signs . There are other signs he recognized , but he has yet to sign them back to me . He surprises me daily with his knowledge though . Before I know it he 'll be talking so much I won 't be able to shut him up . But that 's OK . That just means one more adventure in his life . I can 't wait . Last night when Zachariah was playing after supper , he was starting to act tired . I asked him if it was time for bed . He signed bed , got up , and started walking towards his bedroom . All the way into his room he 'd sign bed , and wave bye bye , bed , bye bye , bed , bye bye . All of the way in there . We were laughing hysterically . Then he came back out of his room with his blankie and pacifier - both of which he only gets at bedtime . So cute ! We knew he was ready for bed . It 's great . So off to dreamland he went . I am a mother . I have been married to Matt since 2000 , and we have two beautiful sons - Zachariah ( born March 2006 ) & Jonah ( born March 2013 ) . I am a licensed teacher , but I love being a stay at home mom . |
Mom suffered a cardiac event last night and was moved to the cardiac unit . This morning she underwent a procedure to find the blockage and place a stent . She is back in her room resting . I will update the blog as the day goes along . Brent sent a text saying that Mom appears to be doing well . He add that she has been pretty much out of it since she went back to her room . That 's probably for the best . December 29 , 2014 . - Brent 's in Brandon , Mississippi Mom is still in the hospital , but the good news is is that she is hoping to be sprung tomorrow . She was able to eat today and sounds better each time I talk to her . Fingers crossed that Willie gets to see his Abuela tomorrow . December 28 , 2014 . - Brent 's in Brandon , Mississippi Mom was able to eat today ! The hospital food is horrible , so Dad and Brent have been bringing her food from " outside " . She was able to get out of bed several times today , also good news ! December 27 , 2014 . - Brent 's in Brandon , Mississippi Mom is still in the hospital , but there is good news to report tonight . Her upper GI showed a small blockage in her esophagus , which they were able to remove . Because the hospital food is so terrible , Brent and Dad went and got her Arby 's . She was able to eat a bit of her sandwich . Yay ! ! ! ! ! December 26 , 2014 . - Brent 's in Brandon , Mississippi Dad called this afternoon at about 4 : 00 Mississippi time . Mom had had the procedure and was back in her room eating ice cream . Her doctor told Dad that he would meet with them tomorrow after he has had a chance to review the results . In the meantime , Mom has the perfect excuse to eat as much ice cream as she wants ! December 25 , 2014 . Brent 's in Brandon , Mississippi Merry Christmas ! Our family may be spread far and wide , but we remain very close knit . Tomorrow mom has an upper GI , with a camera . Fingers crossed that we will get some answers about her difficulty in swallowing . Posted by December 23 , 2014 . Brent 's in Brandon , Mississippi I spoke with Dad today . Mom 's test has been scheduled for Friday afternoon . She will remain in the hospital until then . While it is a bummer to be in the hospital during the holidays , she is feeling much better because she is getting nutrients through the IV . December 22 , 2014 . Brent 's in Brandon , Mississippi Lorri here doing blog duty for mom . She had an appointment today with the doctor to review test results . It was determined that more tests were needed , so she was readmitted into the hospital . Hopefully she will get some answers after these tests are done . Today was another stay inside day for me . It was nearly noon before I got up . I am incredibally weak , because eating makes my chest hurt and I have thrown up several times . We 'll see what the doctor has to say tomorrow . We watched TV part of the day , but I mostly napped . We were watching the Seahawks game and I began to feel somewhat better . But I am sad to say , it didn 't last long . December 20 , 2014 - - - Brent 's in Brandon , Mississippi December 20 , 2014 - - - Brent 's in Brandon , Mississippi Today was spent shopping for everyone except Bill and me . I didn 't feel well enough to even get out of the MHO . Sara went shopping the other grandmother , Jojo . Brent and Courtney went to Walmart . For Brent , that was a challenge . When Sara got home , they took her to shop for Christmas from Brent . That little girl really likes to shop ! There are some really pretty sunset here . This house across from Brent may appear to be on fire , but it isn 't . Just a beautiful sunset . December 19 , 2014 - - - Brent 's in Brandon , Mississippi I wasn 't feeling well today . I spent most of the day in bed , resting and napping . Brent and Courtney decorated the treel The kids were elsewhere . December 18 , 2014 - - - Brent 's in Brandon , Mississippi We had some rain today and some blue sky . The weatherman couldn 't quite make up his mind . It was cool all day and that was nice . As of yet , Brent and the kids haven 't decorated their Christmas tree . Brent did get blue and white lights strung on it . When I get pictures , I will send them . I stayed in the MH all day , only going into Brent 's house once . I was working on a sewing project . I will send a picture of it when I finish . Tomorrow is the last day of school for Sara and Coleson . They aren 't complaining one bit about that . If things go as usual , we won 't see much of them then anyway . They are always so busy . Tonight , Brent went to see Courtney . Sara and Coleson were with Keltie . Willie was in the house taking a nap . And Bill and I were in our own " nest " so everyone was happy ! December 17 , 2013 - - - Brent 's in Brandon , Mississippi The kids got out of school at noon today . Sara , Brent , and I drove into Jackson for lunch . It was about a 30 minute trip . After getting into the area , we drove around for quite awhile looking for a place to eat . I am always intrigued by the differences in Jackson . The area around the capitol building is what you would expect . . . well maintained , large buildings and nice parks dotted here and there . Just a few blocks away is an area that looks as if it has been bombed out . Brent said that because it is a historic area , any building must stay with the original architectural theme . . . bricks , windows , layout , etc . As a result , nothing is being renovated in the area . I can understand wanting to preserve historical areas , but what would you do with a pile of rubble . Not much ! So the area just sits there , falling apart brick by brick . We chose a Greek restaurant across from the Governor 's Mansion . The food was good and the location was great , but we didn 't see " hide nor hair " of the gov . Actually , we really didn 't expect to . For dinner , Brent made spaghetti with deer sausage . It was very good . And , no , he didn 't hunt , kill , and slaughter the critter . A friend of his did all those dastardly deeds and shared the booty . We spent the evening watching the final episode of Survivor . Since I don 't enjoy all the scheming and bickering , it was a good time for me to start watching . Posted by December 16 , 2014 - - - Brent 's in Brandon , Mississippi This morning , Brent and I went to do some Christmas shopping . Actually , Brent was shopping and I was just along for the ride . He was looking for a recliner with a camo patterned cover . Yes , that is what Coleson wants for Christmas ! Believe it or not , Brent was able to find two of three of them . Unfortunately , they were more expensive than he had meant to spend . Just the fact that he found any of them proves that we are indeed in redneck country . This afternoon , Amy and Mike 's two dogs got out , and as usual , they made their way to Brent 's house . . . through the forest in back of Brent 's property . It isn 't unusual for them to end up at Brent 's , but if he just puts them in the backyard , they dig out . Today , one of them was captured . Bill was enlisted to get the other one . Brent tied them to the swing frame . Amy came for them when she got out of school . Coleson and Sara wanted to have a real Christmas tree this year . This afternoon they went to get one . It really is a pretty tree , but it had dropped a lot of needles on the way into the house . The plan is to decorate it tomorrow . That will be fun , especially with Willie helping . December 15 , 2014 - - - Brent 's in Brandon , Mississippi We had some rain this morning . It seemed like a good day for Mexican food , so away we went . There are several places that serve good TexMex . After eating , Brent took me to Hobby Lobby . I needed to do a little bit of Christmas shopping . Because the store is so busy and crowded with displays , we decided not to take my " sports car " aka scooter , in . That was a big mistake . By the time I got back out to the car , I was very , very tired , and my balance was worse than ever . A nice long nap really helped . When Sara came home from school , we had a nice visit . She is such a pretty young lady , and is always fun to hear her " chatter " about school , and her friends . She and Coleson are growing up way too fast . I went into Brent 's house to see if there was any pecan pie left from last night . Courtney had made it with fresh pecans from her mom 's yard in Longview , Texas . I could really get use to that . I watched part of the Monday night football game between New Orleans and Chicago . It was a pathetic game from both sides , so I didn 't even finish the first half before I went back out to the motorhome . Next week will be much better , I am sure . Denver will be playing . Yea ! We spent part of the day watching football . Brent was glad the Seahawks won . And I cheered when I saw that the Broncos were victorious , also . We were both happy with those wins , but are missing seeing the Ducks play . Tonight , we had a " liver and onions " party . Brent made his special Brussel sprouts with bacon dish and mashed potatoes to go with the main course . It was a fun time and no one went home hungry . Courtney made a pecan pie for dessert . It was a good ending for a great meal . December 13 , 2014 - - - Brent 's in Brandon , Mississippi Today is 12 - 13 - 14 . . . that kind of pattern won 't happen again for a long , long time . I have a news update ! When we were having dinner at Robyn 's house on Thursday , Amy ask me if I had put my scooter together . I told her I didn 't have a clue what she was talking about . She said Lori had bought a scooter for me and it was in a box in Brent 's garage . At that point , Amy figured out that the scooter was to be a surprise . She was really embarrassed she had blown the surprise . If you read my blog , you will know that Brent stepped in and took credit for the surprise . He also placed part of the credit ( or blame ) on Meredith and Michelle . Alas , we may never know the true story behind all of this . It doesn 't make any difference , because I love the " little mini - scooter - wheelchair thing " and will find many good uses for it , I 'm sure . Brent postponed the " liver and onions party " until Sunday night . This left us with some extra time today , so we drove to Jackson to eat lunch at Cool Al 's . You may remember that is the place where the floor is sticky . Well , the food was still good , but the ambiance was diminished . The floor wasn 't sticky and there had been some " decorating " changes . Some things should be left alone . We went in the house to watch the Heisman Trophy awards . The Oregon quarterback was the winner . That made all of the Duck fans in this family very , very happy . It is the first time the Heisman winner has been from the University of Oregon . He and I went out shopping to test the " new toy . " It was easy for me to get around the stores by myself , which was great , but the best part was that I had a place to sit . A lot of standing has become very hard for me and this solved the problem . I am still trying to recover from my time in the hospital . Things just keep piling up here at home , but I don 't seem to be able to deal with them . Maybe Santa will give me some extra help this year ! I omitted a story from last night 's blog , so I am going to put it in tonight . Those of you who know me , know that one of my favorite Southern dishes if not grits . That is an an understatement ! Every meal at the hospital included grits . I would usually take a tiny bite and I did not change my opinion . Well yesterday , for breakfast there was the bowl of grits beside the scrambled eggs . I took a bite of the eggs and nearly gagged . They were terrible . I had Bill taste them , and he agreed with me . He even spiced them up with pepper , etc . It didn 't help , so I stirred some sugar into the grits and that became my breakfast . When Brent came , I told him what I had eaten . I was glad he didn 't pass out from the shock , but he took the news in stride . Now if anyone ever ask me if I like grits , I can honestly say , " Yes , better than hospital scrambled eggs ! " Robin invited us to dinner . She made lasagna that was really good . Amy and two of her kids were there also . We all had a great time , as usual . And I didn 't have to excuse myself to take a quick nap ! Thank you , Lori for taking over blog duties while I was in the hospital . It really feels good to be back at the computer again , but I may need a good proof reader . I have already caught some glaring mistakes . Brent and Bill have sat with me for countless hours . I feel sure they would rather have been elsewhere . Courtney was a big help also . Some of the things she has learned in medical school , explained some the questions we had . We kept expecting that I would be released today , but it brgan to look doubtful as the morning progressed . One of the doctors this morning said It might be later today . I think he must have heard the collective response from the three of us and perhaps feared for his saftey . He signed my release and left a Rx for a new heart medicine . for me to try . I will return to his office for a recheck next week . I hope to take Brent as my interpreter . December 9 , 2014 . - - Brent 's in Mississippi Mom is still in the hospital , but has hopes that she will be released tomorrow . Several more tests were done today , hopefully she will get some answers tomorrow . December 8 , 2014 . - - Brent 's in Brandon , Mississippi This is Lori pitching in for mom once more . Mom is still in the hospital . She had a tilt test today which came back normal . Tomorrow she is scheduled for an upper GI . I spoke with her this evening , she sounded good and quite chipper . While I don 't mind pulling blog duty , mine are quite boring compared to hers . Thank you for sending thoughts and prayers her way . I 'm doing blog duty for Mom again this evening . She remains in the hospital tonight . After another day of tests , Dad reports that she is feeling a bit better . She is scheduled for a few more tests tomorrow , hopefully we will get some answers then . On another note , today is the eighth year anniversary of Brent 's brain surgery . We are all thankful every day that he continues to be the strong Uncle Sir that we all know and love . Posted by Lori here pulling blog duty for Mom . She woke up this morning feeling puny and declined as the day wore on . The decision was made that she needed to go ER for tests . Brent called at 9 : 00 their time to report that she was still in ER where tests were being run . He and Dad had gone home to eat and were heading back to the hospital . Please send positive thoughts to Mississippi ! Bill drove me to the chiropractor 's office this afternoon . Dr . Brown adjusted my spine . I 'll go back on Monday to see if any of it stayed in place . It usually takes several treatments before there are any lasting results . Brent fixed spaghetti and meatballs for dinner . Courtney came to eat with us . We had a lot of fun talking . Dinner was a preview of the night 's entertainment . . . which was the Oregon Ducks game against Arizona . The final score was 51 - 13 . We were glad the Ducks won , but it really wasn 't a very exciting game . Oregon had way too many penalties and the quarterback was off his game a bit , although the final score didn 't reflect it . The game tonight was for the PAC12 championship . There was much hoopla on the field at the end of the game . The win tonight sealed Oregon 's spot in the national championship playoffs . Robyn and Wesley , neighbors of Brent 's , came just as the game ended . They had been to a Christmas party , but came as soon as they could to visit with Bill and me . " A good time was had by all " was an understatement . I 'm sure we will all get together again before our visit here with Brent ends after Christmas . I wasn 't sure if their office closed for lunch , so we decided to eat and then go to see about it . We went to Newk 's . Their food has always been good and today was no exception . I had red bean and rice soup . Brent had salad and a sandwich . We were both happy with our choices . I thought it was cold in the restaurant so Brent went to his car and found a sweater of Sara 's . Of course it was way , way too small for me , but it kept my arms and shoulders warm . We got to the doctor 's office only to discover it was closed on Thursdays . Gad , zooks ! Hopefully , we can go back over there tomorrow ! It wasn 't a total wasted trip . We drove around the Flowood area looking at new business . That town is really growing . Several large businesses and new housing developments have sprung up . On the way home we stopped to see Polly and Pito . He works on an off shore oil rig and was back home for two weeks before going out for two more weeks . They live about two blocks from Brent . Sara and Coleson were with Keltie tonight and Brent had a date with Courtney , so Bill and I were on our own . He went to Taco Bell for our dinner . We certainly know how to take care of ourselves , don 't we ? For various reasons , we didn 't find a Rest Area , so when we got to Monroe we parked at Sam 's Club for a late breakfast . We had been driving in fog . As we got toward the Mississippi River the fog got thicker . We crossed into Mississippi ( Honk , honk ! Yahoo ! ) and soon after , the fog dissipated . We stopped at Walmart in Vicksburg . We were making good time , so I called Brent to tell him of our ETA . Bill backed the motorhome into its spot and got everything hooked up and in place . Willie was so excited to see us . He turned into a wiggly , frisky puppy . . . he was so excited . December 2 , 2014 - - - On the road to Mississippi We left Decatur , Texas , at 9 : 30 . Before long , we were on an adventure . Translated that means we had missed our turn . We decided to follow through with it , and we are glad we did . We had never been in that area , and just before getting on I - 35 , we saw Texas Motor Speedway . We 've seen it on TV several times when NASCAR has raced there . Today we got a better view of its size . It is huge ! I - 35 took us to I - 20 which took us to In - N - Out . . . for an early lunch . It was great , as usual . That was visit number 24 in 2014 ( If I have counted correctly . ) Yum , yum ! In Longview , we parked at Walmart . We have parked here on several other occasions . We park right next to a railroad track . It is a different kind of train , as trains go . It may have 40 or 50 cars attached to it . It goes very slowly , blocking the main road through town . Soon after going past and traffic resumes , it backs up , repeating the whole traffic snag again . This may happen several times an afternoon and night while we are parked here . Each time we have been here , it is the same pattern . December 1 , 2014 - - - Traveling to Mississippi After driving for a couple of hours Bill pulled into a Rest Area for breakfast . A sign said " tornado shelter . " I 'm glad we didn 't need to use it . We continued on Hwy . 287 to Decatur . After parking at Walmart , we rested for the remainder of the afternoon . Bill is taking longer than before to adjust to driving down the highway . Maybe we should blame it on the lack of altitude , since he seems to blame most things of the altitude . As fate would have it , Panda Express was just across the parking lot from us . So naturally , since that is one of Bill 's favorite places to eat , he was very willing to go get our dinner . I told you so , didn 't I ? The drive today was through farmland . Many of them had been planted with cotton and had been harvested . It was interesting . . . some of the fields were stripped clean , while others had a lot of cotton left behind . Back in the " good old days , " cotton was hand picked , which produced a better quality of cotton . All picking is done by machine , even though the quality of the cotton has diminished . If you are wondering how I know these things . . . ( 1 ) my grandparents were cotton farmers , ( 2 ) I taught in the middle of a cotton patch in Ropesville , Texas , and ( 3 ) I rode on a plane to Denver next to a cotton farmer from this area . I probably asked him about a gazillion questions . Imagine that ! We knew we would be crossing two state lines , so Super Driver practiced his part in the State Line Celebration several times . He does love those air horns ! I didn 't need to practice my part . I am very proficient at " Yahooing . " It wasn 't too long before we crossed into Oklahoma and performed our State Line Celebration . We were immediately confronted with a terrible road . Yikes . What a difference between Colorado and Oklahoma ! After a few miles , however , we were on a new concrete road . " Honk , honk ! Yahoo ! " We arrived in Texas . Everything is bigger in Texas . . . including the wind . Wow ! Bill was really hanging on and so was I . By the time we got to Amarillo , it had calmed down some . We stopped at Walmart for diesel before driving on to Sam 's Club to park for the night . But it was not to be . . . we missed the exit . We decided to go on to Flying J to see if they had extra RV parking spaces . Nope ! Instead of retracing our tracks to Sam 's Club , we took Hwy . 287 to Clarendon . A few miles further on down the highway we came to a Rest Area with plenty of room to park . In Denver , we turned east on I - 70 and got to Limon in time for lunch and naps . Once refreshed , we made our way to Lamar , where we parked at Walmart . We were able to get the channel from Denver that would let us watch the Ducks game against Oregon State . We traveled 250 miles today . Most of it was past hay fields . The landscape in this part of Oregon isn 't particularly nice , but there wasn 't much traffic . Michelle and I went to US Bank this morning before picking up Meredith and Dwaine to go shopping . We stopped at Hobby Lobby first . That didn 't take too long . Michelle and I both knew what we needed so it made for a quick stop . We stopped at Starbucks for three coffees and a hot chocolate for me . That gave us energy to make our way to Costco to fight the crowds . Actually , there weren 't as many shoppers as we thought there would be , and plenty of checkout lanes were open so we got out rather quickly . She and I both had forgotten we needed to stop at Target . That store was some busier than we had expected . And it is a big store , so I got rather tired . Michelle " parked " me at a chair in the snack bar while she finished the things on a rather long list . I rested for about an hour after we got back home . I needed the energy so I wouldn 't miss dinner out for Matthews birthday . We went to McGraft 's . After eating dinner , we went back to Michelle 's so Matthew could open birthday presents . This was followed up with root beer floats , um , um ! Afterwards , most of the guys went to see a movie . Posted by Here in Loveland , our family members were doing a variety of things . Michelle , along with Joshua , Connor , and Matthew , served dinner at a homeless shelter . Ron had to work today , driving an airport shuttle . Meredith served dinner to people at a dude ranch . The rest of us . . . Dwaine , Bill , and I . . . stayed home and did some things around the house . Bill and I are planning to leave Loveland on Saturday , heading for Mississippi . We plan to stop early enough to watch the Ducks game against Oregon State . That is a big rivalry , known locally as the Civil War . Tonight we went to Meredith and Dwaine 's for snacky - type food . Of course , everything was good and we ate too much . But we just had to have energy to be able to watch the Seahawks beat the 49ers . That made Brent 's Thanksgiving even better ! November 26 , 2014 - - - Michelle 's , Loveland , CO Bill had an early morning doctor 's appointment today . As soon as he got back home , he fired up the MH and went back to RV America . There were some wiring problems and they needed to fix them . It was about a five hour process , but worth it . Now things seem to be A OK . I stayed at Michelle 's while he went there . I took a nap on the futon in her office . She was waiting for a phone call from some government agency or other . I didn 't even wake up while she was talking to them . Meredith came at 12 : 30 to take me for an appointment to get another shot into my eardrum . Each one gets more hurtful than the last and this one was no exception . I 'm glad this is the last one . It was the most painful one of all . Because of other commitments , we had Thanksgiving dinner tonight . . . all the usual . . . turkey , stuffing , mashed potatoes , gravy , rolls , broccoli and rice , pumpkin pie , and pecan pie . After we were thoroughly stuffed , we sat around the table and reminisced about rafting trips we have taken . There was a lot of laughing going on . Bill and I spent most of the morning just enjoying being back in our house . We relaxed and watched some TV . It was a nice way to spend our first morning at home after two weeks . We are looking at the route we will take to go to Mississippi . Hopefully , the weather won 't cause us any problems . Bill figured our mileage to various stops along the way . Tonight was the season finale for Dancing With The Stars . Any of the three finalists deserved to win . They were all really good . We 'll miss having it to watch every week . The day started off cold , but warmed up during the afternoon . A strong wind started blowing at 3 : 00 and lasted for several hours . At bedtime , it was 34 ° . After getting a few chores accomplished this morning , Meredith , Jim , and I went to lunch . . . at Karl 's Jr . Jim said we couldn 't stay for two hours today and talk . Well , we didn 't miss it by too much . At least an hour of chatting went on . Jim gave us an update on his daughter , Jenalyn . She lives in Sacramento , CA . We saw her two years ago . It was good to hear about that part of our family . We took a few more pictures of sculptures . We also drove through Sculpture Park . There are so many interesting pieces of sculpture there , but we decided spring might be a better time of the year to photograph them . We drove to Ft . Collins and picked up Peggy to go to JoAnn Fabric . We spent quite a while shopping for quilting fabric for a quilt Peggy is working on . There were so many patterns to choose from . For me , picking the right color combinations was one of the hardest things about quilting . After returning home to get Bill , we drove to RV America to get the motorhome . Yes , you read correctly . . . the repairs on our house were finished . Yippy , Skippy ! It was so - o - o - o good to be back in our own " little hallway . " November 23 , 2014 - - - Michelle 's , Loveland , CO Michelle and I went to Sam 's Club this morning . I used one of their motorized shopping carts . I am getting rather good at driving one of those things . I didn 't run over anyone or knock over any displays . When we went to Walmart , I just used a regular shopping cart . Next time I will go motorized . By the time I walked from one side of the store to the other , I was very , very tired . I didn 't realize how big that store is . Next time I will " drive " instead of pushing a cart . At about 1 : 00 , Michelle and I went to Meredith 's house . She was getting ready for a " chili feed " during the Bronco game . Michelle helped her in the kitchen . I helped , too . . . by staying out of the way ! In the fourth quarter , Jim and Peggy came . Their friends , Gene and Sherry , came with them . The ending to the game was a very good one . The Broncos pulled it out , winning 39 - 36 . Wow , that 's the way we like to see them finish a game . We ended the evening by talking around the table . It was a good ending to a good day . All day long , the temperature dropped . It was 27 ° before we went to bed . No snow , just cold ! Reflection of the mountains in Lake Loveland . November 22 , 2014 - - - Michelle 's , Loveland , CO This morning , Michelle and I drove into Denver to shop at IKEA . The traffic on I - 25 was heavy , even though it was Saturday . Half of the population of Denver was at IKEA . Lots of kids , many of which were crying , and some of them pitching fits . Those high pitched shrieks were really hard on my ears . When we left IKEA , we had an adventure . We were looking for The Container Store , and made several u - turns in the process . Finally , we rounded a corner and there it was ! We shopped there for a while , but didn 't buy anything . I was wearing my Oregon Duck shirt . The first two people we saw in The Container Store were also wearing " Duck " shirts . We had a little impromptu pep rally . As we headed back north , we made several stops along the way . Michelle was looking for a coat . I chose to stay in the car and rest . The two big stores , IKEA and The Container Store , were just about all I could do for one day . Oregon 's game wasn 't televised in this area , so I had to keep track of it on the Internet . Quack , quack ! The Ducks won 44 to 10 . Yea ! November 21 , 2014 - - - Michelle 's , Loveland , CO Jim came this morning . After visiting for a few minutes , he and I went on a " sculpture picture - taking excursion . " On the way to the area we wanted to photograph , we decided lunch should be the first thing on our list . We went to Karl 's Jr . After eating , we sat there for a long time talking . Two hours later , we decided we needed to get on the picture - taking trail while there was still good light . Jim and Peggy came for dinner . Meredith made a vegetable casserole and brought marinated steak to be grilled . Michelle had salmon to be grilled , also . She had made rolls , and a salad , plus apple crisp for dessert . We were all very well fed ! Meredith and the pups came after dinner . She and Michelle were making peach preserves using the peaches that Michelle put in the freezer this summer . They also served ice cream with peaches . Yum , yum ! Some of the family watched the Raiders get their first win of the season . . . against Kansas City . Meredith said she couldn 't believe she was wanting Oakland to win . Their win helped Denver in the standings . My brother , Jim , and his wife , Peggy , drove up from Santa Fe today . They are staying with friends in Fort Collins , but they plan to spend time here in Loveland , too . We haven 't seen them in a while . It will be good to catch up on family " happenings . " November 19 , 2014 - - - Michelle 's , Loveland , CO I must be feeling better because I got up at 7 : 00 to work on a project . I brought our supply of alcohol ink from Lori 's . I am making some necklaces . I want to leave the ink here and Lori will get it the next time she is here . It isn 't something I can mail very easily . So it was necessary for me to use the supplies before we leave next week . I also did quite a bit of resting today . My right leg is much better than it has been . I guess the shot the doctor gave me on Monday is having some good effects . That 's a relief ! The temperature today got up to 47 ° . I didn 't go outside at all , so I can 't tell you if it felt warmer or not . Sometime , if it is a cloudy day , it will seem colder than it really is . On their daily walk around Boyd Lake a few days ago , Joey chased a coyote . It was unusual for it to be out of the den during the day , especially as cold as it has been lately . Dwaine was very glad that Hapa didn 't see it . She looks like a coyote , so maybe she saw it and didn 't think it was anything unusual . November 18 , 2014 - - - Michelle 's , Loveland , CO Today was a busy day for me , and for Bill , too . He 's my super driver . Our first stop was to see my dermatologist . Tests showed that I had a basal cell carcinoma on the left side of my face . There were two options ( three if you count " do nothing " ) . The first one was to surgically remove it . The second was to scrape and burn it off . Since it was only in the first layer of cells , that was my choice of options . At 4 : 00 this afternoon , Michelle took me to see the ENT . The audio test showed that I had a little of the hearing back in my left ear , but not enough to function . It was so minimal that not even a hearing aid would be successful . I had another injection of steroids into my inner ear , in case there is any more room for improvement . Each injection has hurt more than the previous one . I will have the last one next Wednesday . I 'm really looking forward to that . . . not ! We went to get pizza for dinner . Meredith joined us . Joey and Hapa came , also . Hapa always claims me . Tippy doesn 't challenge her authority , but it is a different matter to Joey . He just pushes his way through to get to me . It 's so nice to be loved by the furry beasts . I rested most of the morning . The problems I 'm having with my right leg just keeps getting worse and worse . At 1 : 00 , I went to my GP , Dr . Huneycutt . He gave me a cortisone shot in my right hip . Hopefully , I will feel some results soon . Before going back home , we went to Walmart . I wanted to look for a long sleeved polo like the one I bought in Rapid City a couple of weeks ago . Today wasn 't the day to do it . By the time I got into the store , I didn 't feel like shopping , so I sat on a bench while Bill got a few grocery items . That 's a real bummer . . . not being able to shop at Walmart . Things are really going to have to change ! ! ! Michelle , Bill and I watched " Dancing With The Stars " tonight . Next week will be the finals . It has gone by quickly . Yikes ! Time flies when you 're having fun ! November 16 , 2014 - - - Michelle 's , Loveland , CO Br - r - r - r ! 1 ° this morning . But the temperature got warmer as the day went on . . . 29 ° . . . a heat wave . At 11 : 00 , we went to Meredith and Dwaine 's to watch the Denver Bronco game against St . Louis . I 'm sad to report that Denver lost . ( Sigh ! ) Too many dropped balls and too many penalties made it sad for us Bronco fans . Meredith served a delicious quiche for lunch . I was very impressed . I 've never made one and hers was really good . We also had pan fried potatoes . A good meal and a disastrous football game ! We stayed afterwards to watch the NASCAR race from Homestead , Florida . It was the last race of this season . Kevin Harvick won the championship . He wasn 't my choice , but he did redeem himself . He had his little boy ( about 18 months old ) in the winner 's circle . It is always special to me when the drivers have their kids at the track . Snow was falling when we got up this morning . . . big , fluffy flakes . The high today was to be 23 ° . The highest temperature we saw was 15 ° . I stayed in the " Geezer Cave " getting some extra rest . It was mid afternoon before I climbed the stairs . My right leg has been hurting more lately and I thought it might help if I stayed off it more today . Bill and I went out to RV America to see our " house . " The body work has been finished , and the primer is on . The new step hasn 't arrived yet . The painting can 't be done until the step is installed . It will need to be painted , also . Meredith and Dwaine came to eat with us . Bill and I went to KFC for dinner , with all the fixins ' , including a chocolate cake . I don 't think any of us went away from the table hungry . November 13 , 2014 - - - Michelle 's in Loveland , CO I know I promised snow pictures , but once again I couldn 't make it happen . UGH ! I will try again tomorrow . I worked on a project for several hours today . Tippy was helping . He wanted outside , but it was so cold he wanted back in . This routine went on all day long . He loves being out in the yard , but the conditions weren 't good for outdoor activities . I had an MR . at 9 : 00 this morning . It took over an hour . Even with earplugs and foam blocks of noise protection material for each side , it was still a very noisy test . For my right ear , that is . I heard no sound with my left ear . The drive on the Interstate was OK , but a little slow . We saw a number of cars off in the ditches . Some were just fender benders , but several had major damage . When we got back home we took naps until my phone rang . My tests were back from the dermatologist . I have a basal cell carcinoma which must be removed . Oh , great ! Just what I needed . . . another appointment ! On the way back to Michelle 's , I went by the beauty shop to make an appointment for a permanent . It was a slow day because of the weather , so I was able to get it done today . By the time we got home , I was really tired , so I rested and visited with Michelle while she fixed dinner . . . soup and grilled cheese sandwiches . Great for a cold snowy day . November 11 , 2014 - - - Michelle 's in Loveland , CO I went to the doctor at 10 : 00 this morning for another shot through my eardrum . This one hurt more than the first two did . Hopefully , this will be the end of the " torture . " I see the audiologist next week to see if there are any changes in my hearing . When we left the house , snow was falling and it was 16 ° . As Bill helped me into the car , he brushed the accumulated snow of the side window . I was immediately covered with white fluffy snowflakes . Hm - m - m ! I wonder if he was trying to send me a message . . . I like snow and he doesn 't , so he made sure I was more " flakey " than he was . We went to Meredith and Dwaine 's for dinner . It was a great day for beef stew . Really good beef stew ! When we left for home , the temperature 11 ° and it was snowing hard . The streets that were clear when we went to dinner were snow covered when we drove home . At the time of posting my blog , it was 9 ° . . . br - r - r - r - r - r ! November 10 , 2014 - - - Michelle 's in Loveland , CO At 7 : 30 , Bill pulled the motorhome out and headed for the repair shop . I followed in the Honda . After checking it in , we said farewell to our house ( sniff , sniff ) and went to McDonald 's for breakfast . Across the street was US Bank . When we went in to the bank , the temperature was 63 ° . When we left , 20 minutes later , there was a strong wind blowing . By the time we got back home , the temp had dropped to 46 ° and was still dropping . I was tired and lay down to rest . At 10 : 00 , Meredith sent a text saying it was snowing . Of course , I had to get up to look out the window . Sure enough , snow was falling . . . not much , but some ! I took a long nap and felt much better afterwards . I started putting our belongings away . We are staying in the extra bedroom in the basement . We have named it the " Geezer Cave . " It will be our cozy little spot as long as the motorhome is in " sick bay . " Today , we spent most of the time moving things into Michelle 's house . We will stay there until the repairs are finished . Our plans were to stay in the motorhome at night and let the workers take it back into the shop every morning . We changed those plans because of weather reports . The prediction is for some snow , but our major concern was the low temperatures in the next week . All of you know how much Bill and I like staying in the MH , but it didn 't seem the wise thing to do in this situation . We watched the NASCAR race from Phoenix as we were working . Jeff didn 't make it to the championship round . Darn ! Well , there 's always next year . We also watched parts of the Bronco game against the Raiders . After a rather shaky beginning to the game , Denver pulled out all the stops and did a number on Oakland . That is a rivalry that dates way , way back for us . We were glad to see the Raiders trounced . November 8 , 2014 - - - Michelle 's in Loveland , CO Meredith and I went to the Library this morning . The pups went along for the ride , but didn 't go into the book place with us . They sat in the car and behaved themselves . . . we think ! Tonight we watched Oregon whip up on Utah . The first three quarters of the game were fairly close and then Oregon took off . Final score . . . 51 - 27 . It was nearly midnight here when the game was over . I called Brent to cheer . Bill , in a gruff voice , asked why I called him so late . I knew he would be up . There was too much excitement in the air to sleep . November 7 , 2014 - - - Michelle 's in Loveland , CO Today was not a busy day for me . There isn 't much to report so . . . it is finally Willie 's turn to be introduced . Brent would say I saved the best for last . Willie is certainly the biggest , without a doubt . During Brent 's active Air Force career , he lived in apartments most of the time . He said when he bought a house with a fenced yard he wanted to get a dog . Well , he did and he did . He wanted a big dog . . . a man - sized dog . He saw an ad for Golden Retriever puppies . He picked the one with the biggest feet . When Coleson and Sara got out of school that afternoon , the three of them went to pick the puppy up . There was a discussion about a name . Someone suggested " Fluffy , " because at the time the puppy was very fluffy . Wisely , Brent said that might not be appropriate when he was grown . The next suggestion was " Willie . " Brent thought he could live with that one , so " Willie " it was . Now Brent can 't imagine him being named anything else . Willie was immediately the hit of the family . Brent and Coleson played with him and Sara wanted to " mother " him . She played dress up with him and when it was naptime she made sure he was well taken care of . Once , when he was much bigger , she stuffed him into one of her t - shirts . Willie survived , but the t - shirt didn 't . Soon , Willie was big enough for the kids to ride . However , Coleson soon got too big , but Sara was able to continue for awhile . He thinks everyone in the neighborhood loves him . And you know what , they do ! Several time , Brent , the kids , and the dog have traveled with us in the motorhome . We have camped out in the Fort Walton Beach area , and in Pennsicola , staying at military Famcamps . One time , they all joined us for a trip to Colorado . It was always fun . Willie rides looking from the front to the back . If he is on the bed , he looks toward the front . One time , I was asleep on the bed and Willie was in front . When he saw me wake up , he was on a dead run to see me , with Brent in hot pursuit . When Willie got to the shower , he launched himself . I curled myself into a ball just before he landed beside me . He was so happy to see me , and the feeling was mutual . On our way to Colorado , we stopped in Amarillo , TX on Brent 's birthday . The kids wanted to take him to the Big Texan Steak House for an evening celebration . Bill said he would stay in the motorhome with Willie . We had lots of leftovers to take to Bill . He sat on the sofa and put his plate down to go outside for a minute . When he came back in , he ask me what I did with his dinner . I hadn 't done anything with it , but there sat his plate , empty and very clean . He was disgruntled to say the least , and made himself a peanut butter sandwich . Before he could start eating , he remembered something else he needed to do , and set his plate down again . You talk about a slow learner ! I caught Willie just as he started on his next course . In defense of Willie , Brent had forgotten to feed Willie his mid day meal and it was nearly time for his evening meal . That big dog was hungry ! I thought it was funny , but it took some time for Bill to see the humor . Willie has always had a fondness for socks . When he was younger , and somewhat smaller , Sara would stick her hand down his throat and retrieve his treasure . Last spring , when Bill and I arrived in Mississippi , it was cool and earlier , I had been wearing fuzzy socks to keep my feet warn . When we opened the MH door , Willie bounded in and back back out in three seconds . . . with a black , fuzzy sock in his mouth . Brent thought that was really funny . . . and so did I . Brent loves his " big man dog , " but if you ask him what Willie likes , Brent 's voice softens and he says , " Snowflakes , butterflies , and blowing leaves . " Yup ! He 's a man 's dog ! ! ! Willie has grown into a very handsome dog . He is hard to take a picture of because , when he is in his Golden Retriever stance and notices he is being photographed , he gets wiggly and frisky and lopes toward the camera . Kodak moment lost ! |
Clotheslines and Rain Barrels Posted on 06 / 27 / 2017 by Andy and Peggy We believe that a part of our downsized lifestyle is being more environmentally aware . Having used a rain barrel at our previous home , we knew the benefits . We used it to water the garden and only needed to use city water when we had a long dry spell . We brought our rain barrel and stand with us when we moved . After we set up our garden here , we once again installed our rain barrel . We wanted to install it sooner , however , we had to wait due to the construction and landscaping changes that were needed in the backyard . When we installed new gutters and downspouts earlier this spring , we had the downspout placed in the same position as the original . However , instead of letting the water from that downspout flow into a drain tile out to the driveway , and into the storm sewer , we would be capturing it in a rain barrel . Andy leveled out the ground and placed the stand and rain barrel . Prior to that , he removed the bottom portion of the downspout . When the barrel was in place , he connected a flex hose to the opening in the top of the barrel and the upper portion of the downspout . This is a 55 gallon barrel that we purchased about 4 years ago from the Habitat for Humanity Restore . It came with the spigot and the overflow pipe . We have replaced the spigot once . Rain barrel in place . We have a split on the spigot . Here we are filling a bucket to water the garden . There is a soaker hose on the other side of the split . Obviously , rainwater is better for our garden . It is highly oxygenated and free of the chlorine , salts and fluoride compounds found in most city water . If you don 't have a rain barrel , please consider one . By collecting this natural resource , you can redirect the water where you need it . You will also have your own water source for your garden or lawn in times of drought or watering restrictions . To increase the amount of water we are collecting , we are looking at adding a second barrel . In addition to cutting down on our city water use and providing our garden and flowers with better water , the rain barrel is also helping to prevent erosion on that side of the house . The drain tile that was there carried rain water down into a part of the yard that is held in place by a retaining wall . The soil level in that area had been decreasing over the years and we needed to slow down the erosion . Eventually we will need to redo that area . Diverting the water to the rain barrel will allow us to put that project off for now . Wanting to take energy conservation a bit further at this home , we decided to install a clothesline . One of the reasons we installed the clothesline is our dryer is old . Really old ! We are not ready to purchase a new one and have struggled with it since our move . Large items take way too long to dry . A clothesline sounded like a good option to a new dryer . We did research into clotheslines to find the best type for our yard . The research also confirmed our decision . Line drying saves money ! Especially in the summer months when we want to cool our home with an air conditioner . Another benefit that I love is clothes hung out to dry smell fresher . No need for the chemicals and perfumes in dryer sheets or fabric softeners . It is also gentler on clothing . The tossing and tumbling in a dryer will cause wear and strain on the fabric . The ultra - violet rays in sunlight help to bleach and disinfect laundry . This is good for white and light colored sheets and towels . However , not so good for the darker colored clothes . I am turning our jeans inside out when hanging them on the line . A portion of the clothesline is partially shaded , so I will put those darker colored clothes there . We decided on an umbrella style clothesline . It is inserted into a socket that is cemented into the ground . The clothesline can be removed and put away when not in use . This eliminates the need to trim the grass around it . This style does not have as much room for large items , but it works for us . We purchased an Everbilt Outdoor Clothes Dryer at The Home Depot . Andy dug the hole the required depth and width according to the instructions . The bottom portion was filled with 5 inches of gravel . He them added the concrete and let it set a bit . He carefully removed the clothesline pole and closed the cap . We wanted it set up at least 24 hours before using it and we didn 't want dog prints in the cement . An upside - down bucket , topped with a half - bucket of water provided enough weight to keep them away . Here is our backyard with the clothesline set up . On the left is our garden and compost barrel . It is a short trip from the rain barrel to the garden . The beautiful dog is our girl , Max . We believe that our rain barrel and clothesline are great investments that will have positive impacts on our home , our money and the environment . We are curious if our readers also have rain barrels or clotheslines . Leave a comment and let us know . Dad has Alzheimer 's Posted on 06 / 18 / 2017 by Andy and Peggy This has been a hard post to write . I thought about different ways to tell it . I even thought I would not mention it and write about our latest remodeling or landscaping project . But I couldn 't do that . I couldn 't let Father 's Day go by without writing about my dad . Having a father with Alzheimer 's puts a different twist on Father 's Day . If you don 't get him a card or gift , he won 't know . If you call to wish him a happy day , he won 't remember as soon as you hang up . And during that call , he will ask you several times who you are and how old you are and tell you he is doing fine . Having a father with Alzheimer 's is hard . Dad was diagnosed in 2009 , at the age of 84 . We had suspected something was going on for a few years before the official diagnosis . Every year , he slowly gets worse . He only recognizes my step - mother now , but lately , he has been forgetting who she is . He still lives at home and requires constant care . He cannot be left alone . When I visited him earlier this year , he talked about being in the war . He talked about shooting , being shot at and doing what he was told so he wouldn 't die . He talked about landing in Okinawa and seeing heads blown . He mentioned Iwo Jima . This was not a conversation . He was sitting in his chair , repeating over and over the same several sentences about the war . Many times he would ask himself a question about the war , and then answer it . The same questions and answers over and over . I was sitting across the room from him and when I tried to ask different questions , he didn 't answer them . I took notes on what he was saying and I believe these events happened to him , even though his discharge papers indicate his principal duty was mechanic air 747 . Having Alzheimer 's has removed his filters . When I was a child , he would never talk about being in the war . My siblings and I knew he had been a Marine because we saw the pictures of him in his uniform . He would only say he worked on airplanes and wouldn 't answer questions . He also never talked much about his life growing up . Dad was born in 1925 . When he was only 7 , his father died in an industrial accident . At the age of 14 , his mother could no longer handle him . With no husband and 3 other children to care for , she placed him in a work camp for boys . He was living there , going to school and learning a trade , when Japan attacked Pearl Harbor and the United States entered WWII . The home was closed and all the boys old enough enlisted . Dad was 16 . He found work and a place to stay with a mechanic until he could enlist . He went into the Marines August 16 , 1943 and served until July 1946 . Other than the part about his father 's passing , we didn 't know any of this . We were adults when our grandmother passed . That is when he told us about her dropping him off at the home and leaving him there . We also learned that he did not reconcile with her until he was discharged from the service . He is not the same man I have known all my life . That man was intelligent . He went to college after the war and became a chemical engineer . He was mechanically inclined and could fix things around the house . He could use tools and finish basements and fix leaking sinks . That man was confident . That man was funny . That man was strict and we often feared him . That man was not perfect and he made mistakes . I wasn 't really close to my dad before or after my parent 's divorce . He intimidated me and I knew not to make him angry . He would take my younger brothers on weekends , but I never went . I saw him maybe once a month . After I graduated high school , I saw him less and less . As an adult , there were years I saw him only on holidays . So you see , this won 't be about how close we were and how much I miss that or how inspiring he was . I admit I was influenced by his work ethic and his drive . I know I got my analytical way of thinking and approaching life from him . I also got his dry sense of humor . I wish I could talk to him now and he would know me . I wish I could ask him all the questions I have about his life and his decisions - good and bad . I wish I would have had the courage to do that before Alzheimer 's took him away and left this dad shell in his place . The last time I saw him , I got angry . Just the two of us were in the house . My step - mom had gone out for lunch with a friend - a much needed break . We were sitting at the kitchen table eating lunch . He was repeatedly asking me my name and when he found out I was his daughter , he would say , " I remember you when you were a little girl . You were a tough little thing . " After several times of this same conversation , I raised my voice and said , " Dad , Look at me . Look at me . I am Peggy . Don 't remember me as a little girl . Remember now . Remember who I am NOW . " He looked at me confused . I said , " I love you , Dad . " He said , " Dad ? Am I your father ? " " Yes , Dad , you are . I 'm Peggy " . I got up and cleared the dishes . " Let 's go watch TV , Dad . Lunch is done . " I called Dad today . After catching up with my step - mom , I asked her to put him on the phone for a Father 's Day chat . It was the same as always . He asked me who I was . How old I was . How old he was . He said my step - mom was taking good care of him and he was fine . Then , we had the same conversation over again . After a few minutes I said , " I love you , Dad . I got to go . " We would be placing it in an area that was not level , so Andy made concrete pylons of varying heights to support it . After the pylons were set , we waited for a nice day when we had nothing else to do to make the move . That didn 't happen until February . We had some unseasonably warm weather on Saturday , February 18th and decided to just do it ! We really wanted to get the carport off the borrowed trailer so we could return it to our neighbor . The easiest part was backing the trailer into position . From there we had to raise it up , put the poles back in place and get it secured on the top of the pylons . Because we were figuring it out as we went , I didn 't get many pictures until we had it raised up and the support poles in place . Again , Andy used the engine hoist to raise it and I ran around sticking the poles back into the roof supports . This process took much longer than anticipated . We really had to raise the roof ! After getting the poles attached to the supports , the carport was not square and needed a bit of adjustment . The lowest corner needed a tug . The carport in it 's new home . In the background is the trailer on the edge of the neighbor 's yard . In the foreground is our first firepit , made from landscaping blocks . We will be putting blocks into the spaces between the ground and the carport supports . This will provide more support and give it the pavillion look that we are wanting . Eventually we will place a picnic table and some benches up there . The Best Things in Life Posted on 06 / 04 / 2017 by Andy and Peggy The best things in life aren 't things . This is the tagline for our blog . We really believe that , however , there are times when we don 't actually live as though we believe it . There are times we hesitate to let go of things even though they don 't fit in our smaller home . There are times when we go to a store and end up with more things in our shopping cart than we ever planned to buy . We are trying to ask the " Do we really need this " question , but that doesn 't always work . Sadie had been throwing up since Wednesday . When it started , the food was mostly undigested and we thought it was related to transitioning her to a new food . On Thursday , she received less of the new food in her kibble mix and she vomited less . We thought we had determined the cause . However , the vomiting continued Friday , even though we had given her only small amounts of her old food and had completely eliminated the new food . Saturday morning we gave her a very small amount of white rice and waited to see what would happen . By now you may be asking yourself why we didn 't take her to the vet when she was getting sick every day . We honestly thought she was sensitive to something in the new food and other than the quick regurgitation of the food , she was acting normal . Well , the white rice came up too . That was when we saw things other than food . Stuff like tiny pieces of an eggshell and little wooden splinters in the vomit . And a tiny bit of blood . Unfortunately our vet closed at noon on Saturday and they were not able to get us in and suggested we go to the animal emergency clinic . The emergency clinic hydrated her , gave her a shot for nausea and sent us home with the instructions to have her fast for 24 hours , give her a small amount of food and see if it stays down . If not , bring her back for an x - ray . Sunday evening we were back at the emergency clinic . The x - ray showed a white mass taking up about two thirds of her little puppy tummy . She had exploratory surgery Sunday evening around 9 pm . No blockage was found in stomach or intestines . No sock or anything in her stomach . Just a greenish fluid and bits of plant material . She spent a couple nights in doctor 's care and came home Wednesday afternoon . She is recovering and back to her normal self . We are watching her very carefully when she is out in the yard . Total cost for our Memorial Weekend pet emergency was $ 1 , 724 . 42 . We never thought we would spend that kind of money on a vet bill . We spend that amount on a refrigerator or leather furniture . But on a pet ? What was our top dollar ? We didn 't have to ask the " Do we really need this " question . Our pets are one of the best things in our life . And they are NOT things . They are part of us . A part of our family . This experience forced us to put more value on the things that are not things . Because of this emergency , some of the other things that we may want to buy will just have to wait . Because of this , we made of list of what is really important to us . The best things that really count . Not material things . We listed seven things , one each day of the week . They are not in any order . All are what we believe to be our top best things that aren 't things . Our Budget Friendly Headboard Posted on 05 / 27 / 2017 by Andy and Peggy When we moved into our downsized home , our bedframe did not fit in the smaller bedroom . Sadly , we broke up our bedroom suite , and donated the frame . We wrote about this in a previous post , Making Room . We didn 't like the bare wall look and started to look for headboard ideas . After MANY pins were added to our Pinterest board , we decided that a wall mounted headboard would work best because we did not want to take away floor space by attaching a headboard to the frame . We went to one of our favorite places to shop , Habitat for Humanity Restore . We also wanted to spend as little as possible on the headboard and their prices are very reasonable . We started out looking for a door to convert to a headboard when we found a great deal on wall mounted headboards . They had a large number of them that we believed came from a hotel . We picked through them , purchased our selection , brought it home and put it in the garage with our project supplies . We didn 't like the color and wanted to paint it to match our bedroom furniture . We would do that when we had our ' in progress ' projects done . We had no headboard for almost a year . Seriously . It took that long for this project to get to the top of the very long project list . When we started on it , it only took about 3 days . The first step was to clean the headboard , as it had gotten a bit dusty waiting it 's turn . It was dusted off first with a microfiber cloth and then vacuumed to get the louvers clean . Then a light sanding with a fine sanding block , followed by extra fine steel wool . We wanted to get it as smooth as possible and remove some of the sheen from the existing finish . Another round of dusting and vacuuming followed , and it was ready for the paint . We masked off the frame with paper and tape and applied the first coat of paint . After it started drying , we could see that the texture was not as prominent as we had hoped . Andy applied a second , heavier coat and we let it dry overnight . The instructions said it would be dry in 30 minutes , but it was still tacky . Center painted The next day , we removed the mask from the frame . After noticing a few spots that had not received paint due to the mask , Andy sprayed again in those areas . A small amount of paint got on the frame , but because the frame paint was a step darker than the center , we were not concerned . After giving the center paint a good drying time , we carefully masked it off . We used a sheet to mask it because we did not have any newspaper or other wide paper . After giving the frame one heavy coat , it was done . We let it dry over 24 hours before hanging it . We needed to determine the height to hang the headboard and where to attach the hardware to the wall . We pulled the mattress back about 6 inches and set the headboard on the box springs . We were happy to see that this placement would work and we would not need to raise or lower it . Andy marked the wall at the 38 inches for the hardware . Upsizing Our Downsize Posted on 05 / 19 / 2017 by Andy and Peggy The back porch / deck on the house was in bad shape . We knew when we first looked at the house that we would have to replace it . It became a matter of when we could do it and what we would replace it with . As the weather warmed up , the decision of what became easier . It was the when that kept getting pushed back . We moved in the first of April . The previous owners had left a large sun umbrella on the porch . The stand was bolted down but still , I was not expecting them to leave it . When we asked them if they had intended to leave it , we were told we would need it . The back of the house faces east . As the month progressed , the morning sun became more intense on the glass patio doors . At that point , I had a ' curtain ' over the door made from a sheet and safety pins and held up with a shower curtain tension rod . It provided privacy and some relief from the warming sun . When the back porch became too hot for barefeet , we opened the umbrella . It was a bit difficult to turn the crank to open it , but once it was up , we saw that it perfectly shaded the patio door and a good portion of the porch from the sun . However , as the days progressed and the sun moved over a bit in the sky , mid - afternoon had the porch in direct sun and the umbrella no longer helped as much . We brought out our smaller umbrella that we had used at the previous house to provide privacy from our neighbors while we were on our deck . We weren 't using the porch for sitting and relaxing . We were in and out that door quite a bit as we worked various projects . We wanted shade when we needed to be on it . We also needed shade on the glass doors since they would get so hot , we couldn 't touch them ! Here is a picture of the back of the house on the day we removed the original patio door and installed the french doors . You can see the opened umbrella . The smaller one is not open because it was in the way . It was usually positioned to the left of the back door . You can also see patio blocks on both sides and in the front of the porch . More about those later . We talked about making it into a screen porch . We had done that to our back deck in our Iowa home and we loved it . However , the longer we lived here , we realized we needed a larger porch and more protection from the sun if we wanted to enjoy that space . We decided our best option would be to tear it all out , extend the size to the corner of the house on the north side , and have an enclosed sun porch built . That decision sounds a lot easier when putting it in writing ! We also knew we wanted to wait until the kitchen remodel was complete before starting the next big project . We had worked with a builder who did some deck repairs at our last home and in August we contacted him for an estimate . We wanted to work with someone that understood we would be doing as much of the work as we could and needed him to do what we couldn 't . He was agreeable to that and very flexible on the timing . He had large project in the works and we would be next on the list . The target date for him to start was the end of September . A couple things had to happen before the porch could be built . The first was move all the patio blocks out of the way . We also needed to do some landscaping on the south side , bringing in fill dirt to level it out a bit . This picture shows the beginnings of the new retaining wall with some fill dirt . In the background you can see some of the patio blocks stacked up . These are the ones that were around the air conditioner . We moved those first because we were getting some water into the garage in that location and needed to determine what was causing it . After that was fixed ( a septic pipe issue that was covered under home warranty ) , we moved the blocks to the opposite side of the yard , stacking them up to be out of the way . We also heard from our contractor . Due to all the rain we had been having , the work on his current project had been delayed , which in turn delayed ours . Our new target was mid October . We were actually ok with that because all the prep work was not quite done . The old porch had to be torn out and all the blocks moved . You can see we still have plenty of patio blocks to move . Andy had to leave a small portion of the porch so we could still use the door to get in and out . This picture also shows the outside faucet that we had to relocate around the corner because it was going to be under the new sun porch . That is when we talked about the air conditioner . It was a bit close to the porch and we thought it may cause an issue when the sun porch was built . Yes , we needed to move it over a few feet because it was going to be difficult to walk between the porch and the air conditioner when the walls were built . We called a company we had worked with in the past , R - Mech and they sent a technician out to do an estimate for moving it . Since I really disliked that air conditioner ( it was extremely noisy and had already been serviced once under the home warranty ) , I asked for an estimate for a new unit . So instead of just moving the existing one , we purchased a new high efficiency one and had it located farther away from the porch , to allow plenty of room for walking on that side of the porch and some landscaping . It was installed on November 1st . They put in the windows and door and finished on November 18th . We took it from there . It needed insulation in the walls and ceiling , sheet rock and trim around the windows . With the exception of the ceiling , we had it done in time for a family dinner over Thanksgiving weekend . Then we took out the tables and set up to work on the barn door . See the picture of the door in the Our Bedroom Barn Door post . We stained it on the new porch . Here are the patio blocks now . They are the temporary porch and steps . Last month , we put down straw and pampas grass clippings to cover the mud . We recently painted the outside of the porch , as it was only primed . We still have to install the beadboard on the ceiling . The windows need to be trimmed out and the walls finished . But , it is usable . We have had several meals there when we can 't all fit in the kitchen . Outside projects have taken our time lately , but we will get back to this one later this summer . Excited to show you the finished product ! It usually starts the first week of May . The Mother 's Day ads . You can 't watch TV or listen to the radio without seeing or hearing them . And the emails start . Promotional emails for finding the perfect Mother 's Day gift . And that is when I start to miss her more . It happens every year when the ads start . Sure , I miss her all the time , but it intensifies this time of year . And the sadness lasts longer and the tears flow more . I miss her on her birthday , but that is just one day and I am not constantly reminded of it . I miss her on the anniversary of her death , but it is private and I do not like to recall that day . It is not my day to remember and celebrate her . Mother 's Day is that day . When I was younger , I spent the time leading up to Mother 's Day trying to find that special gift that would let her know how much I loved her . As I grew older and had children of my own , I began to realize that a present I purchased was not the best gift . I realized that the best gift I could give her was to be present . Give her my time . Be present and listen . Mom lived 3 hours away and didn 't make the trip to visit us very often . And after my stepdad passed in 1991 , she never made the drive alone . As a family , we drove to visit her every few months or so . But , as my kids got older and had more activities , those family visits didn 't happen as often . But I made it a point to see her , either over Mother 's Day weekend or the next . I don 't recall exactly when I bought her the half whiskey barrel , but every year when I visited , I would bring bedding plants to fill it . I would plant the flowers , and she would sit on the porch and watch and we would chat . We usually went to dinner and we would chat . We would sit around in the family room and we would chat . Lots of that time , I would listen . She would talk about how she missed my stepdad and catch me up on her siblings and my cousins . She would also talk about her life growing up . Mom was born in Wheeling , West Virginia in 1931 , the youngest of 5 children . Her family struggled there , and when she was still a young child , they moved to the suburbs of Detroit . She told tell me about the first Halloween after they moved to Michigan . Children came to the door and her dad thought they were begging for food , so he invited them in for a meal . He didn 't know they were wanting candy because trick or treating was not done in their previous neighborhood . She told how her dad would come home and ask what was for dinner . He would look in the pot on the stove and see potatoes and say , " Potatoes ! My favorite . " When I asked her why that memory stuck with her she said they were poor and ate a lot of potatoes , but he made it fun . Her father died when she was 15 years old . He had been sick and was in his bed . Her mother asked her to go in and check on him to see if he wanted something to eat . He was dead when she found him . I heard this story many times growing up . When I had asked her more about it when I was an adult , she said she wasn 't sure what the illness was and never really wanted to talk about it , so I didn 't push . I always had the feeling she was Daddy 's little girl and his death was something she never really got over . She would also talk about her mistakes and the family dirt . Mom was not perfect and I never pretended to believe she was . She gave birth to 9 children , said goodbye to 2 that never came home , and did her best with the rest . My parents divorced after 20 years of marriage . Mom had to go to work for the first time since she was married at age 18 . She worked several jobs until she eventually went to school to learn key punch and did that job until she retired . She struggled with her addictions , but she eventually won . Mom was a recovering alcoholic and a longtime smoker . Mom had poor health for as long as I can remember . But she always recovered , she always got better . She had emphysema . She had triple by - pass surgery in 1977 . She had colon cancer that was discovered when she was having bowel resection surgery . In April 2003 she got pneumonia , and shortly before Easter she went into the hospital when she got worse . When I talked to her , she said not to come , she would only be there a few days . Since Mother 's Day was 3 weeks away and I thought she would be going home soon , I decided to wait . My brother that lived in town called Monday after Easter and said she was getting worse and I should come sooner than later . After work that day , I drove down to see her . I wasn 't feeling rushed or worried . She had been in and out of hospitals for most of my life and it was something I was used to . I just felt certain that this was not her time , she would recover and life would go on as normal . The traffic getting out of town was horrible . For some reason , I got lost finding the hospital when I got to town . It was after 9 PM when I arrived . She was hooked up to monitors and was sleeping . I talked to her and gave her a kiss but she didn 't respond . I called my brother to let him know I had arrived . He said he had just left a bit before I got there and that he would be over tomorrow . I pulled up a chair next to the bed and held her hand . I thought she would wake up . A nurse came in and checked on her . I watched TV and listened to her breath . Then it got quiet . I looked at her , got up and leaned over towards her face . Suddenly nurses came running into the room and I heard the Code Blue call over the intercom . CPR was started . They told me to leave . The rest of the night , and into the next morning , she was on life support and we waited for all the family to come . Mom passed on the morning of April 22th , 2003 . She was 72 . But , this post is not about her death . It is about Mother 's Day . It is about Mother 's Day without a mom to celebrate . Don 't get me wrong , I am a mother and I appreciate and love the time my children and grandchildren spend with me . But for me , Mother 's Day was my opportunity to celebrate my mom , not to be celebrated . I want to visit her and listen to her and hug her and not think about her being gone . She wasn 't perfect , but she was mine and she loved me unconditionally . And I still cry on the days leading up to Mother 's Day 14 years after her death . |
I woke real early this morning but went back to sleep in my chair . I went down to the rally hall and got the coffee ready for the guys . We had a pretty good turnout , with Jim , Bill , Dwayne , Mack , Bob and Heartland owner Bob Curry . I went back home after coffee and ate some grits for my breakfast . I worked around the house this morning ; I put away my Texas Boomer flamingos and fishing rods to clean up under the trailer . I put the new hummingbird feeder pole together and hung it up in the yard . It will be interesting to see how many hummers I can attract . A cold front came in with rain and cooler weather , which ran me back inside . I read some and caught up with my blog , so it all worked out . Jim B called asking about a reservation that wasn 't showing up on my list of attendees . I went to the office and found that the man had signed up online and had a reservation , but I had no record of his name . I plan to change the way people sign up in the future . It is confusing when people do their own thing to register with the park and I don 't have any record of it . After getting bored with sitting around , Bill and I decided to ride up to the Haven 's Landing KOA to check it out as a possible site for a Heartland rally . When we arrived , I was not real impressed when the young lady in the office told me that she could not tell me about the rally rates . I asked her what the rates would be and she said " it depends " . When I asked her what it depended on , she said she didn 't know . I don 't know why they referred me to her in the first place when there is another lady named Judy that is the events manager . Judy came out and gave me the information that I need to plan our next rally . We stopped and filled up Bill 's truck and acme on back to the park . The Bobcat called me to ask about my fire pit . He was looking at one at Target that has an ice bucket included but he didn 't buy it . We came back to the park and sat around at Bill 's trailer until Stella fixed supper of spaghetti and meat sauce . It was very good , and we sat outside chatting . Posted by It was good to be back in the park . I got up this morning and went to the rally hall and made coffee for the guys that are left . Jim , Mack Dwayne and Bill came down and we had a nice visit and worked on some of the world problems . Stella and I went to the Post Office to send some letters to her clients . We stopped off at the Kroger store where I got fuel after the trip home . We took 15 . 3 gallons @ $ 1 . 999 peer gallon to go 306 . 9 miles for a 20 . 05 average . We came back to the park and picked up Jim and Bill and all went to Camping World in Bill 's truck . We stopped at the Grainger store to use the restroom and I bought a foam pad to kneel on and a big spray can of LPS - 3 . We went to CW and bought a new sewer hose and some braces for the kitchen cabinets to keep things in place when we are traveling . Bill bought several items , but Jim didn 't buy anything . We stopped off at the Los Cucos restaurant for lunch and came on back to the park . We all wanted to go out for supper with Jim and his wife Reeta , so we met about 5 : 45 and went to the Hartz Chicken buffet on the freeway near Rayford . The food wasn 't very good but it filled us up . We came back to cold and rainy weather and all went back inside our trailers for the night . Adios , We got up this morning , preparing to make a flying trip to Dallas for Ian 's 1st birthday party . His birthday is March 24th but Jennifer is celebrating it today at Great Grandmother Matha Sterling 's house in Farmer 's Branch . I went down to the rally hall and made some coffee because we were going to get together with Bill and Ornell for breakfast before we left and it was easier to make breakfast in the hall than one of the trailers . Dwayne , from the park , came down and had coffee with Bill and I and as soon as he left , we started making breakfast . Ornell fixed biscuits and gravy and bacon . It was a very good breakfast and a good way to start out on the drive to Dallas . We got away a few minutes before 10 and made very good time . We stopped for a stretch / bathroom break at the rest stop north of Huntsville and for fuel in Corsicana . We took 15 . 1 gallons @ $ 2 . 249 to go 289 . 7 miles for a 19 . 18 average . Not too bad for a truck with 177 , 000 miles on it ! Just as we got into Farmer 's Branch , I called Melissa and played a little joke on her . I told her that we were at Rayford and that I had forgotten about the birthday party . I just pulled up at Matha 's house when I hung up with her . She didn 't really believe me , but then , she really didn 't know . We got there right behind Jennifer and Jay , so I got to hold Ian while they unloaded their truck . Ian and I had a big ' ol time sitting outside while his Mom did stuff inside . Everyone else soon arrived and it was good to see that side of the family again . Kay was there , but her boyfriend Bruce didn 't make it . He had fallen while walking out this morning and twisted his ankle . It has been many years since I saw Kay 's sister Laura and her kids . Matha 's son Kevin came over and shook my hand , and said it has probably been 35 years since I have seen him . Kay 's brother Roger wasn 't there but his wife Vickie was , with her kids . Matha had a long talk with Stella over our lifestyle now in retirement . She said that Bob had wanted to do something like this before he got sick and passed awayPosted by Today I stayed in our trailer to drink my coffee and eat cereal for my breakfast . Bill and Ornell had told Ricky and Dee that we would come over in the afternoon to see their house and go out to eat somewhere . Bill drove us in Ornell 's new Lincoln SUV . Since Stella and I had not found any lawn chairs yesterday , we thought we 'd go look today . We went to Lone Star RV to look at chairs and other RV items . While I was there , i had a chance to chat with Gordon Byrne , one of the sons of the owner and the man that had sold us out Mobile Scout trailer back in 1998 . He flattered me when he remembered me and what i did when I was working . I told him about our Heartland rallies because they recently began selling Bighorn trailers . He said he would be interested in participating in the next rally , so I told him that I would be in touch before then . We went on over to Ricky and Dee 's house and had a nice visit . Ricky showed us his new handguns because Bill wants a new one for Ornell . We later went to eat at the Los Ranchitos mexican restaurant and had a good meal . We left Ricky and Dee after eating supper and went to the big Academy store to look for chairs . It was a disappointment because they only had the bag chairs , and none of the director chairs that we wanted . We came on back home and hung out for a little while at Bill and Ornell 's trailer . Another pleasant day gone by . This morning I went to have coffee with the guys and Bill came down with us . We had a good time as usual but it was kind of sad too because most of us will be leaving soon for our summer travels and many to go back to their homes . Stella made us pigs in a blanket for breakfast which everyone enjoyed like we always do . Jim and Reeta told us that the Ace Hardware near the park had some nice looking folding chairs that we might want to check out . We went to the store and looked at the chairs but they weren 't what we were looking for . These were the bag - type chairs , not the director chairs that we wanted . We then decided to go to some other stores to look . We went to Sam 's club and found what we were looking for , but at a higher price than I wanted to pay . We kept on looking and went to the Wal Mart on 242 . While shopping , we heard rain on the tin roof and then loud sounds that sounded like hail . I immediately called Jim at the park to ask him to put the awning up , which he did . I went to the front of the store and looked outside but didn 't see any sign of hail . We later learned that it had hailed in Conroe but not around here . We returned to the park and went to a potluck dinner with the other winter Texans that were getting ready to leave to go back home for the summer . We had a very enjoyable meal with our friends and stayed to play bingo . I got a telephone call from Phil , my brother . He told me about Carol being laid off in thr reduction at UTMB but she will be starting a new job at Clear Lake hospital next month . His brother and sister - in - law have moved into a FEMA trailer in Galveston and the repairs to their house are almost complete . Clifford and katherine , his father and mother - in - law have sold their house in Galveston and are still living with Phil in Dickinson but are looking at a house around the corner from his house . He told me that Bobbye Sue has bought a lake house near Dallas and she and Pete are thinking about moving out of their house into the lake house soon . I told Phil about Aunt Frat and he said hPosted by I woke real early this morning and checked email and read the newspaper reports on the Internet . I later sat in my recliner and went back to sleep , but woke in time to go have coffee with the guys in the Lone Star room . No one had come down , so I made the coffee this morning . We ran out of coffee and were low in supplies , so when the coffee bunch ended , I stopped by the office and told Melissa . I returned to the trailer and had some cereal for my breakfast . I read a little bit and called Bill , who was coming in this morning . I found out that he was near Cut N Shoot and should be here soon . I went to the office and told Crystal that he would soon be here and that he had difficulty in hearing and that she would need to talk very loud to him ( a practical joke on him ) . Bill didn 't mention it , but his friend Ronnie , who had come up with him , said that he had noticed the girl in the office talking very loud . Ornell and Vickie ( Ronnie 's wife ) were coming up this afternoon after work . It began to rain real hard about four o ' clock in the afternoon , about the time that they had planned to leave , and the rain was moving east , toward them . Bill talked to her and told her to stay home until the morning if she didn 't want to drive in the heavy rain . Stella and I went to Krogers this afternoon for groceries . We have been doing real well on our food and have not been eating out too much . When we left , I pulled up near Bill 's trailer and blew my new air horn for him . He had bought one and put it on his truck , but I had replaced mine while we were in McAllen and wanted to show it off to him . He didn 't come out when I blew it at him , but he came by my trailer later after we had returned and blew his horn at me . I 'm sure that at some point next week , we 'll have a " toot - off " to see whose horn is the loudest . we met several other couples from the park that are leaving this weekend or next week at Luby 's restaurant . They are some of our closest friends here in the park and it was nice of them to have invited us . Of course , we have been livPosted by There were only three trailers from the Boomer rally left in the park . Jim and LeAnne had to go to their accountant 's office to do their taxes , Bernest had to go to work and Pauleen took the day off to close up the trailer and get it ready to leave , and Ted and Donna stayed in the park to get ready to leave this morning . I got up this morning and went and had coffee with the guys . Ted came down a little before 8 and joined us for coffee . I walked home with him and fixed some breakfast for myself . About 9 : 30 or 10 , I noticed Ted outside and walked over to check with his preparations to leave . He said he had trouble with his electrical , perhaps a battery problem , but as long as he stayed hooked up either to his truck or with his electric plugged in , they showed to be in good shape . He got everything working and they left about 10 : 30 or so . They have a long trip of 6 miles to get back to their storage lot , but he said they would have to stop somewhere because he couldn 't make a long haul like that without a break ha ha : - ) Stella had to go to a Wa - Mu bank to make a deposit for one of Dr . Gulde 's employees , so we went out to eat at the China Bear . This is a very large oriental food buffet that calls itself the biggest and best buffet in Houston . We like it but both agreed that it wasn 't as good as usual tonight . I messed up and called Jennifer for Ian 's birthday this evening . My watch had somehow showed the wrong date , the 24th instead of the 23rd . We had a nice chat , and I told her I would call back tomorrow on the right day to sing Happy Birthday to him . Tuesday was a laid back , stay home day for us . I woke and had coffee with the guys and came back to the trailer . The weather was cloudy and with thoughts of cleaning up the dirt and mud that had been left on the trailer after the rainy weather in Donna as we left and in Palacios , I began washing the truck and trailer . Intermittent rain all day kept me from finishing the job , but I did get most of the worst spots done . I got the truck completely washed and it looks muPosted by Today was the last day of my retirement rally at Rayford Crossing . I got up and made some coffee and went outside to talk to David and Charlotte before they left , a little before eight o ' clock . After they left , I went back inside and ate a leftover biscuit for my breakfast and watched as others made their preparations to leave . One by one my friends left to go home . It is always nice to now be able to sit back and watch as everyone leaves on Sunday morning while we can sit back and take it easy . There were no problems or incidents during the others departures , although Jim Sims had to find a roll of duct tape to work on Raymond 's awning that had ripped . He found some in Don Allen 's ( who else ? ) trailer and made the temporary repairs . Everyone was pretty much out by noon except Barbara and Larry and Vickie who had vehicle problems . There were four trailers including ours that stayed another night , Ted and Donna , Jim and LeAnne and Bernest and Pauleen . We all hung out all afternoon , and Bernest and Pauleen went for a ride on their motorcycle . It was a fine day for a motorcycle ride with sunny skies and warm temperatures . We all got together at Ted and Donna 's trailer for a hot dog / coney island supper . Everyone pitched in for the supper and it was a nice way to end up my weekend with friends . Til next . . . . We woke this morning pretty late , about eight o ' clock for me . I took my shower and got Stella up to start making her biscuits for breakfast . I went and found some of the guys that needed coffee and invited them to the trailer where I had made coffee outside . We all soon went to the rally hall where there was a delicious potluck breakfast . We were honored with an assigned table for all of us , including my " adopted son " Bob Wurch who had sat down with us . Everyone had plenty to eat . Sandy made a little speech introducing the new folks to the group and visitors ; family members who were visiting with members . Damon McCollum from Camping World had come again , and had brought some door prizes which he gave out . He gave out the prizes by handing out playing cards . People with duplicate numbers would choose a number with the closest to the chosen number would win the prize . I won a set of antique fishing lures patio lights but tied with Bernest Currey . We both chose numbers but I won , but gave the prize to him . I didn 't feel comfortable in accepting the prize but we don 't use lights on our awning , so they wouldn 't have been used . Sandy called Ken Wilson to the front to be introduced as a new Administrator for IRV2 . Then I was called up and given a retirement cap with a " mood meter " on the front . It has a pointer that has several " moods " Work Sucks , Sleepy , Do It Yourself , So What ? , Shy Worry ? , and I 'm hungry on it . She said that I should go around and visit with people and have them sign the cap as a remembrance of this weekend . It was a very nice thought and I will keep this cap and its memories forever . I spent the remainder of the morning walking around and having people sign the cap and visiting . I spent a lot of time in the display unit that Damon had brought over from Camping World . It was a Bighorn 3600RE with the rear entertainment TV . There is a 42 " Samsung flat screen TV on a bracket that raises up when the TV is turned on . I , as well as others , am amazed by the picture off the " batwing " antenna on the roof . On Posted by Today was arrival day for everyone else that was coming to my retirement rally at Rayford Crossing . About five or six rigs had pulled in yesterday and the rest arrived today . I went to the Lone Star room where I met the guys for coffee and to solve some of the world 's problems . I stopped by the office to ask about getting some propane in an empty bottle , and signed us up for the ice cream social on Sunday afternoon . When I got home , Stella had gotten the boys up and was preparing our breakfast . We visited with our friends all morning , and around noon we went to our storage room to get the fishing poles for Cameron to use , and then to Kroger to shop for groceries for the rest of the weekend . Upon returning to the park , we hung out with our friends all afternoon and decided to go to Donnelly 's Pizza for supper with Bernest and Pauleen and Tommy and Susan . As usual , we had a good meal . We came back to the park and later sat around Don Allen 's firepit for our nightly campfire . Kim and Jeremy arrived around nine o ' clock . They joined us at the campfire and the boys and I went home about ten o ' clock . Cameron made up their bed and the three of us laid down and went to sleep . We later learned that Donna Smith had been walking her dog when she became entangled in the leash and fell down . she injured her face and broke her glasses and Bill took her to St . Luke 's Hospital for care in their emergency room . We all hope that she is okay . Til next time . . . . Today was the first day of arrival for the Boomers for my retirement rally . Several of our friends from the Boomers arrived today and we had a very enjoyable time sitting around and visiting with our friends all day long as they arrived . Carla Clifton had offered to do a craw fish boil for everyone tonight . David and I helped her with some of her preparations and getting her trailer set up , and David then helped her fix the craw fish . We ended up with a lot of craw fish left over , but a great time was had by all . Tommy had his campfire all set up , so when we finished eating , we went to Tommy 's and sat around the fire . I stayed out until about 10 : 30 and finally turned in . Cameron helped me get their bed made up and me and the boys went to bed . A short days recollection for a very nice day . I woke this morning and went to the rally hall to meet with some of the guys for coffee . Jim had made the brew for Mack , Dwain , me and later Tommy . We had a good time and solved some of the world 's problems . Stella and I got ready to go to see her clients today . First , we went to Donoho 's Jewelers to send my watch off for service . I had already tried to replace the battery but it had quit running again , so it is time for service . Then we left for Clear Lake for Stella to go to the doctor 's offices and clinics . She went to the clinic in Webster first to see people in Dr . Merritt 's office , then to Texas City to see Dr . Gulde at the Mainland Center hospital . We went by our house and picked up some items that we need , and looked at the work that had been done by the workman that Jeremy had used to do some repairs . When we got everything that we could think of out of the house , we went back to the hospital so Stella could meet with Dr . Merritt while I stayed in the truck reading a book . When she got through with her meeting , we went to Cameron 's baseball team practice . Kim was there , but Jeremy and the boys hadn 't gotten there yet . They soon got there but Tyler had stayed home to play on the computer . I watched a little bit of practice and went to get Tyler from the house . When we got back to the field , practice was over and we left to go eat at Uncle Chan 's buffet . When we finished eating , we went to their house to get their stuff and then to return to the park . We went back through Alvin so we could get some cheap fuel again . We stopped off at the Wal Mart ( Murphy Bros . ) station where we got 21 . 5 gallons @ $ 1 . 85 per gallon to go 2898 . 2 miles = 13 . 45 average miles per gallon . Not too bad for a trip pulling the trailer . We got back to the park around 10 : 15 and went to bed for the night . Later . . . . Today is our travel day from Serendipity RV park in Palacios back to Rayford Crossing in the Woodlands . I went out about 7AM to start putting things away and getting ready to go . David soon came out , but he had started last night and was much more ready to go than I was . I made good time and we were ready to go soon . Stella got everything inside ready too , so we pulled out at 9 : 10 . Since David and I had both refueled yesterday , we made good time down the road . The traffic was light and we made very good time . We made one stop at the Buc - EE 's just outside of Angleton . We made it to Rayford about noon , and in what seemed like no time at all , we were all set up and ready to relax . The winter Texans in the park had organized a St . Patrick 's Day green beer party and potluck dinner at the rally hall . We went down at 4 and had a very good time seeing old friends at the park . We were welcomed back to the park by many of our friends here . We told and retold our stories about the valley and our good and bad times . After supper , I went inside the trailer and watched NCIS , my favorite show on television . When it went off , I went back out to sit at Tommy and Susan 's motorhome where Tommy had built a big campfire . Again , it was nice to see old friends again and a great way to return to Rayford . Til next time , Everyone came over to our trailer for breakfast this morning . Stella fixed some buttermilk biscuits and gravy , Tom and Judy fixed some pan sausage and David and Charlotte fixed scrambled eggs , muffins and David 's homemade salsa . It was a very good breakfast and all enjoyed themselves . We stayed in our trailers for awhile until the sun warmed everything up . We went over to Tom and Judy 's Hitchhiker II and sat outside chatting . I got my CD 's out of the truck to listen to on a player . After awhile , Tom went to wash his truck and I went to fuel up for tomorrow 's drive back to Rayford , along with David and Charlotte . I went to the Super S grocery store and bought my diesel for $ 2 . 06 per gallon ( the highest prices we have paid since going to the valley ) . I took 19 . 0 gallons to go 195 . 8 miles for an average of 10 . 3 MPG . We cooked steaks out on the grill later this afternoon . There was corn on the cob , baked potatoes , grilled asparagus and some of David 's veggies . It was another wonderful meal with friends . After cleaning up the supper dishes , Stella and I , Tom and Judy and Charlotte walked over to the rec hall where we played some more Farkle . It 's a fun dice game and the best thing was I WON two of the three games ! It was a very nice way to end our final night in Palacios . Adios , We got up this morning to cold weather but no rain thank goodness . We all stayed inside our trailers for breakfast on our own , but agreed to go to the Blessing Hotel for lunch . The has been a landmark in Blessing Texas since 1906 . We have been coming there for many years , and some of Stella 's family is pictured on the walls of the dining room . A note about the Blessing area . One of the old Texas cattle ranchers who lived in this area of Texas was Jonathan Pierce . Pierce set aside 640 acres for a town at the intersection where the Southern Pacific and the Missouri Pacific railroads met . Jonathan was so glad that the railroads had come to the area that he wanted to name the town " Thank God " but the Post Office wouldn 't allow it , so he named the town Blessing . Bob and Donna had to leave today because her school was on spring break last week and Judy 's school is on break this week , so she and Tom could stay . Tom and Judy rode with us to Blessing , David and Charlotte drove their truck and Bob and Donna took their truck and trailer and left after lunch for home . We drove by Stella 's old home place in town , and by the Chaparral RV park where we have stayed in the past while visiting in Blessing . We then returned to Palacios where we went to the Ace Hardware for Tom to get a drill bit to repair his trailer . We stopped at the grocery store and picked up a few items before returning to the trailers . We stayed in the trailer until 4 : 30 or so when I went for a walk with Tom , Judy and Charlotte . It rained on us near the Baptist Encampment and we took shelter on the porch of one of their buildings for a few minutes until the rain stopped . We saw what appeared to be an RV park while walking , but when we came back we saw that it was several RVs that were parked on the grounds of the encampment . It was a nice walk , even with the rain . After a short rest , we all went to the recreation hall for an ice cream . The park was serving ice cream for $ . 50 a scoop , so we all got some ice cream , and what was even better , David bought it all ! DaPosted by We woke to rainy and cold weather again this morning . It was a good morning to just stay inside where it was warm and cozy and watch TV and read books . We went over to David and Charlotte 's trailer where we ate leftover soup and sandwiches for lunch . We met another of Charlotte 's friends and her husband , Tom and Judy . Charlotte and Judy worked at the school district together until Charlotte retired . We sat around visiting most of the afternoon . Tom had a problem with his Hitchhiker trailer when they arrived . He let the landing legs down but when he tried to lower the entire leg , there was a pin that sheared off , so one leg wouldn 't come down . He had to leave his trailer attached to his truck until he can get it fixed or until they leave for home . We went over to Bob and Donna 's trailer for supper of David 's chili and cornbread . We were supposed to have gone to a karaoke session in the rec hall , but we got to talking and forgot about it . We remembered it about 8 : 15 and decided that it was too late to go . We sat around chatting and visiting until 10 o ' clock and all went home . The rain had stopped but it was cold outside , so we didn 't try to sit outside . We watched a little television and went to bed . We didn 't use the furnace because the electric heater in the living room kept the whole trailer warm . It was very pleasant sleeping but I 'm tired of the cold weather . Til next time . Today was our day of travel from Donna to Palacios . We woke pretty early but it was still dark and cold outside , so I didn 't get in a big hurry to go out and do my chores . We did get away around 10 AM , which is about an hour later than we had wanted to , but we were on the road again ! We stopped only once for fuel in Riviera Texas and took on 11 . 97 gallons to go 102 . 8 miles for an 8 . 58 average . I still don 't believe all the crud is out of the tank and I don 't want to let it get real low in the tank before we refuel . We got into Palacios about 3 o ' clock and checked in without problem . It wasn 't raining here but it 's cold and cloudy . Along the way , I called Aunt Frat , who is in a rest home in Tyler with cancer . I told her that we are coming to Tyler to see her next month and she was excited to hear it . She told me that although she is in this home , she knows she is getting better and should be out in a month or so . We were talking about family and asked about my brother , and when I referred to Phil , she had to ask me who I was talking about . She asked me about my sister , but didn 't call her by name until after I did , so I don 't know if she remembers Bobbye Sue or not . We are parked next to David and Charlotte , our friends from San Antonio . They came down with their friends Bob and Donna , who Charlotte used to work with . We decided to eat some of David 's tortilla soup , which is delicious , but the park is having a hamburger / hot dog appreciation dinner for the residents . I went to the office and got our tickets , and we all went to the rec hall for supper . We took some Thermos 's with David 's soup in them , and as usual , it was delicious . Since the weather is so bad , we just came back to our trailers and watched television . At least we have many channels of television now , not just the local channels . This park has wifi , cable television and full hook ups and is very nice when the weather is nice . It 's not much fun right now because of the cold rainy weather , but it will do . We plan to stay here until Tuesday , when we go bacPosted by This is our last full day at the Casa Del Mar RV park in Donna . We spent the morning just sitting around , with me reading and Stella watching television and piddling around putting some things away in the trailer in preparation for us leaving . She did cut up all the grapefruit that we have and put them into containers in the fridge . Judy came by this morning and invited us to a Good Sam get - together at the Peter Piper Pizza . This is a twice monthly combination of a jam session and eating pizza with friends . It is Good Sam only in name , but the announcers all refer to the club so theres some tie in . It was fun and we enjoyed our time with Tom and Judy . When we returned to the park , Stella and I went to check out the Alamo Palms RV Park for next year . The RV sites are very close together and the awnings of one trailer would almost the sides of their neighbor . They are all back - in sites , but theres plenty of space to maneuver and get set up . We 'll see for next year . We went to the Stripes ( Valero ) store and got fuel . We took on 15 . 27gallons @ 1 . 89 per gallon to go 248 . 3 miles for an average of 16 . 2 MPG . We came back to the park and started getting things picked up and put away for tomorrow ; s trip . I got the outside stuff put away including the stairs , so the only thing outside is the water and sewer . Next report from Palacios . I woke this morning to find Ted outside already . He took his truck up to the car wash where they had agreed to wash and wax it for $ 25 . 00 but he soon returned because no one had showed up . He started picking up things in preparation to them leaving to go to Victoria today and home tomorrow . They pulled out about 10 : 30 . I carried the laundry down to the laundromat for Stella to do the wash . I came back and hung out in the trailer until she called me to come pick up the clean clothes and bring them back to the trailer . Upon returning , Tom and Judy came by to pick us up to go over to Mexico again . Judy needed to check on the price of some of her prescription drugs but we couldn 't find the one she needed . She picked up a few pieces of jewelry and I looked at the fake Rolex watches , but didn 't buy anything . We did go to one of the liquor stores and bought another couple of bottles of liquor to bring back . We returned to the park but Judy asked if we wanted to go to Martha 's for supper . We love going there , so there wasn 't much discussion . Our next - to - last meal was at the little family - owned restaurant right outside the door to the park , and as usual , it was delicious . We stayed outside chatting with Tom and Judy and some of our neighbors until about dark , and came in and watched some television until bedtime . A very short entry for a laid = back day . We stayed in the trailer today . The guys from Steve 's Wash came by early this morning and washed and waxed our trailers . There were five guys scrambling all over the trailers . they started with Ted 's and when they got through washing his , two of them used squeegees to dry the sides while the others started washing mine down . They really had a good system to get the trailers done , and got through with both trailers in less than two hours . Both trailers looked brand new . I went with Ted and Donna over to the flea market fruit and vegetable stand where I bought some tomatoes and oranges . We now have plenty of fresh fruit and veggies to last us awhile . Stella and I walked up to the rally hall and paid the remainder of our bill and the electric for our site . Zina had made a mistake on the amount we owed when we checked in , and we corrected her mistake . The electric bill was only $ 1 . 00 per day , a reasonable amount , so now when we leave on Friday , we are all paid up . Stella made some of her goulash or soup and some cornbread that the four of us had for lunch . After lunch , we all sat outside chatting when one of the park maintenance guys came by to cut the grass . We asked him not to cut it today since our trailers had just been washed , and he said okay but wanted to trim some of the higher grass around the water spigot . I hope we didn 't get him in trouble with the manager . We went to Hooters with Tom and Judy for supper . Judy had never been to Hooters so it was a real treat for her . We all had a good time and got back to the park in time for Ted and I to watch NCIS on television . Another laid - back day in Donna . . . . We stayed home today to rest up and take care of some things around the house . I got up and rinsed the truck off , in preparation for tomorrow 's washing and waxing of the trailer . It needs a good washing , but the rinse knocked off the hanging dirt . I walked up to the office to get our mail , and while there , the new assistant manager , Zina , told me that we still owe $ 45 . 00 for a month 's stay here . Stella had paid the amount that was requested when we checked in and has a receipt for the month in the amount of $ 330 . 00 but she told me it was $ 375 . 00 for a month . She also told me that the electricity would be $ 1 . 00 a day since our meter doesn 't work . Stella said she will talk to them tomorrow about the bill . Zina was also kind of rude to me when I asked her for a roll of quarters so we could do the laundry . She just said " no " in a mean tone of voice , but then said that someone had just bought the last roll they had . They don 't have a change machine in the laundry , so we had to stop at a bank to get some change . We needed groceries , so Stella made a list and we went to Wal Mart . Before going there , we stopped off at Feldman 's which is an upscale liquor store / deli that we had seen on another trip through the area . The prices seemed high to me , but we bought a couple of bottles of hooch to go to Palacios on Friday . We returned to the park and put the groceries away . Ted and Donna had come back from their Hitchhiker luncheon at Mr . Gatti 's Pizza . They said they had a good time and the big topic of conversation there was that Nu - Way was starting production again in June . We all sat outside for awhile and got hungry . We just cleaned out the refrigerators of leftovers , and ended up having a pretty good supper . We sat outside for a little while and Stella fixed us some ice cream drinks for dessert . Donna accidentally spilled Ted 's drink but Stella made him another one . Donna got out their smoothy - maker that they bought about two years ago and had never used . When Ted opened it , he found the plastic container to mix the drinks iPosted by Today we went to the Borderfest celebration in Hidalgo . We ate breakfast in the trailer while Ted and Donna went to church this morning . We left for the festival about eleven and arrived without much traffic and no problems . The Borderfest is a festival of the heritage of this area and showcased several entertainment groups and activities . The theme of this year 's fest is Jamaica , and the entire area was covered in beautiful colors . The first one we went to was an animal act that featured snakes to tigers and was very interesting . The couple that showed the animals seem very interested in their well - being and the fact that some are reportedly endangered . The first animal that we saw in the display was a cougar but it was not showcased in this show . They began with a ball python , then to a monkey , a parrot , and a Bengal tiger . We saw a steel drum band , a bagpipe group from Austin , many Mexican entertainers and groups , a couple of country performers and a very loud rock and roll group . We saw some fancy and expensive cars from a Harlingen car company , but no late model cars and trucks : 0 ( We got samples from Proctor and Gamble and a few food samples . The food at the festival was very expensive and we didn 't buy anything there to eat other than the samples . Interestingly enough , we all dreaded having to use the porta cans to relieve ourselves , but they were surprisingly clean . It really wasn 't bad at all . We did see the guys that operate the vacuum trucks to clean the cans out . I thought to myself , how would you like to tell your grandkids that your job was running a honey wagon for a porta can company . I know that someone has to do it , and I 'm glad it wasn 't me … . . We came back to the park to put everything away and decided to go eat some Mexican food tonight for supper . I wanted to go to the El Palenque restaurant that Bob Wurch had recommended . Ted looked them up online and found that the taco dinner was $ 16 . 00 , the same price as enchiladas and fajitas , so we decided not to go there . A little too spendy fPosted by Today we spent our last Saturday in the valley . We stayed in for the morning , missing out on the " garage sale " in the park . Donna got up and bought a couple of pair of shoes at a bargain price but Stella and I stayed in . We had decided to go to eat Gonzales Burgers for lunch instead of eating breakfast . Gonzales Burgers are famous here in Donna because they are very large burgers that are prepared by some sisters that inherited the business from their mother . The location is in an old store that has been converted to a restaurant serving only burgers , fries and drinks . There is still one rack of items for sale , but I don 't think anyone else even noticed it . The burgers were very good and very very filling ! I don 't know why anyone would order the double meat and especially the double - double ( double meat and cheese ) . I did order the fry mixture of french fries and onion rings . It 's a little cheaper that way and we still got plenty of fries to go with our burgers . To give you an idea of how busy this place is , we got there about ten ' til eleven - they open at eleven o ' clock on Saturday - and still had to wait about an hour to get our food . This place sells hundreds of hamburgers daily and is only open from eleven AM ' til three PM . From there we went back to the Don - West flea market . I had decided to buy a cap from one of the shops , but when we got there , not only did I buy a cap , Stella and I both bought some tee shirts . We also bought a fold - up table for the trailer . It is a very nice oak table that will go well in the living room for us to work on our computers . Now I need to finish it and seal the wood . Another project ! We then went to find a car museum that Ted and Donna knew about . They had seen it in the Knapp Chevrolet dealership , three years ago on another trip down here . They remembered that it was downtown on Tyler street . We drove the length of Tyler St . before we stopped to ask directions . The store clerk said they thought it was on Hwy . 83 , but we programmed the dealership into the Garmin and followed it to Posted by We made another trip over to Mexico at Progresso . We had to pick up some more medications for both ourselves and others , and Donna wanted to pick up one of the handmade candy wrapper purses for her sister - in - law . We went back to the Almost Free Pharmacy which is just across the border , and got the meds . The clerk recognized us and gave Stella and Donna a pill carrier / pill slicer . Donna found one of the purses she wanted across the street from the pharmacy and talked the girl down to $ 20 . 00 ( from $ 25 ) but decided to look elsewhere to see if she could find a better bargain . We waded through an incredible amount of street vendors , both in booths and just walking around selling " handmade " items as well as candy and gum . She found one of these walking vendors that didn 't have the size of purse that she wanted but said he could take us to them . He went directly back to the same booth that we had stopped at before and tried to get $ 28 . 00 for the same exact purse that Donna had already looked at . She told him she would give him $ 20 . 00 for it , which the girl had already quoted her but he kept on trying to get more money out of Ted . Ted pulled out a 20 dollar bill and the man snatched it up but called Ted a " cheapyskate " . I think these border guards need to keep up with current events on the necessary identification . After June 1 , it will take a passport , passport card or enhanced drivers license . I asked the Border Patrol officer that passed us through back into the United States about using my Texas Drivers License , but he said it will take a passport . I verified online that Texas is in the process of getting the current drivers license approved as an enhanced license . We won 't cross the border very often and will probably get either a passport or passport card because we have no plans to leave the country by air or ship . We came back to the trailers to drop off our drugs and the " cheapyskate purse " before traveling to the Los Ebanos hand - pulled ferry . This is the last hand operated ferry in the United States and probablyPosted by We decided to stay at home today and rest up . We have been going somewhere every day , so we 're taking a break . Bob Wurch called to say that he was in town and wanted to come by to chat . He came by about 10 o ' clock and we all sat outside and drank coffee and talking . Bob invited Stella and I to eat lunch with him at Lin 's Chinese buffet . Ted was supposed to have had his trailer washed at one , so they didn 't want to leave . Lunch was very good , and the variety is at least as good as anything in Housotn . We returned to the trailer , and Bob left for Laredo for other sales calls . I talked to Ivan , our neighbor and learned that he had his truck washed and waxed for $ 25 . 00 at a car wash on Business 83 . Ted and I later went to Wal Mart but when we talked to the lady at the car wash , she quoted Ted a price of $ 30 . 00 . She said that the Wednesday special was $ 25 . 00 , so Ted said he will be back on Wednesday . Donna invited us to have spaghetti and meatballs with them tonight , so Stella fixed a no - sugar white chocolate pie and we went . Supper was good , and we all enjoyed our food . Donna wanted to watch Survivor on television , so we all went in early . Another nice day in the RGV . Today was a pretty laid - back day for us . We went to the flea market at Don - West again and bought some more fruit and vegetables . From there we tried to get into the Gonzales Burger place , which is a very small restaurant in a questionable neighborhood that has apparently the best burgers in the Valley . Ted had read about them and we found the place , and sure enough , there were many , many people standing in line to order their burgers . The girls decided that they wanted to go " rag picking " again at the Ropa Usadas . Donna had found two of them that sell nothing but new brand name items . We found them and bought a few items . I observed that they apparently buy overrun t - shirts that have been printed for different events and then are sold here . I saw shirts from many different places , from family reunions to race staff . These stores had many other items like shoes ( very cheaply made ) and clothing accessories that you would see in a clothing store ( power tie racks , jewelry boxes , etc . ) We ended the afternoon at Furr 's Fine Buffet in McAllen . This has gotten to be one of our favorite restaurants in the Valley . We went back to the park after eating and just hung out until 7 when we went to the rec hall for karaoke . They have a professional karaoke guy that comes in with his own system and people can choose what they want to sing . I chose a Hank Williams song , Hey Good Looking . It was a fun night and none of us got into trouble . So long for now , It wasn 't nearly as cold this morning as it was yesterday , about 50 degrees today . The problem was , Donna called about 9 o ' clock to tell me that their furnace had stopped working . The fan would come on but the furnace wouldn 't light and warm everything up . Both Ted and I looked at the thing , but we couldn 't see anything wrong . I got a number from Tom for a mobile service man , but when Ted called him , he learned that the man had already started heading back north to home . Ted is going to a Hitchhiker luncheon next week , so maybe he will find someone there that can work on it . If not , he will probably wait until they get back to Houston . We drove over to South Padre Island today . Donna found an entertainer at Louie 's Backyard whose show is called 12 String Tim . There is also a good looking buffet at Louie 's too , so we decided to go there . The show and buffet didn 't start until 3 : 45 , so we just rode around the small island looking around . We stopped along the beach and walked out onto the sand . We walked up near the water 's edge , when we noticed a " cliff " of sand that had been washed out by the ride . The " cliff " is only a foot or so high and when I walked to the edge to check it , it crumbled beneath me and I fell . I wasn 't hurt at all and everyone had a good laugh at my expense . We drove through the former Destination RV Resort which is now a KOA . The sites were a nice size , and full hookups but they are on coleche rock with blacktop streets . It seems pretty spendy to pay $ 55 . 00 per day for this . We looked at the Cameron County park on the south end of the island , but they wanted to charge us $ 4 . 00 to drive in and check the place out and no one was willing to pay . There is an area that is outside the gate that we drove through , but a couple of the sites look like something from the Beverly Hillbillies , with tarps strung over everything and junk everywhere . This is not a place that I would want to stay . Another problem that we noticed down on the coast here is that the wind blows so much , with the beach sand , everythinPosted by Yikes , it 's 34 degrees here in sunny south Texas ! At least its not snowing . Donna spoke with Brenda who is in Memphis while Rick works for his brother there , and they had 5 " of snow on the ground yesterday . There was so much snow they couldn 't make it to church . It soon began warming up , so Ted , Tom and I went to get our propane bottles filled . I went ahead and filled both of mine , while they only filled one . We probably looked like a propane delivery truck with all those bottles . . . . . Ted and Donna and Stella and I later went over to Harlingen to the Iwo Jima memorial . The memorial is in Harlingen because one of the men holding the flag was from Weslaco . We learned that he had been mis - identified at first , but his mother recognized him in the photo and set the record straight . It was a very moving experience to see what those brave young men did so long ago . After leaving the memorial , we went by the Llano Grande RV Resort in Mercedes . It is a very nice park , but a little bit pricey . There are so many RV parks in this area , it would take a couple of weeks to visit all of them . While there are several things I don 't like about the Casa Del Sol 's amenities , it is centrally located and easy to get in and out of . We returned to the park where Ted grilled our supper . They had bought some steaks at a meat market in Brenham and Stella had some boneless pork chops . It was a good meal with good friends . Tom and Judy stopped by and we sat around chatting until it got too cold to sit outside and we all went home . Later . . . . Today was a rest day for us . We stayed in the park all day long and did household chores . I cleaned up one of our lawn chairs that had gotten some mold on the top , but it looked to me like it was merely dirty . I sprayed it with some cleaner and then brushed it with a stiff bristle brush and after it dried , it looked very much improved . Stella went to the laundry and did the clothes washing . I stayed in the trailer and dusted around and picked up some clothes while she was gone . After finishing our chores , we met Ted and Donna and went down to the rally hall and played a rousing game of Mexican Train in the card room . We also got to listen to a banjo concert that started at five o ' clock . I guess we technically cheated by not paying for the concert but we were in the card room first . After finishing our game , they were serving ice cream in the rally hall . I didn 't feel like having any ( trying to be good on sugar ) so we walked back to the trailer and Stella fixed me a sandwich for supper . We stayed inside and watched TV for the rest of the night . Stella and I got up this morning and drank our coffee in the trailer . We had decided to go to the park breakfast about 8 : 30 this morning , thinking that the breakfast would be served until 9 like last weekend 's was , but we were wrong . Last weekend 's was a special breakfast buffet but this one was only served until 8 : 30 , so most of the food was already gone . We did get some pancakes and eggs and they threw in some tater tots on my plate , so we had a decent breakfast for about $ 4 . 50 . It was a good thing we had already had our coffee , because the park coffee would float a horshshoe . We all wanted to go to the flea market at Don - Wes , which stands for Donna - Weslaco . We cameback to our trailers to get ready to go in a light rain and while walking over to Ted 's truck , the cool front came in . The temperature dropped ten degrees in about fifteen minutes , so by the time we got to the flea market grounds , it was raining and much colder . Most of the outside booths had not opened today , so we only shopped in the covered building . Ted wanted to have his outside sign refinished and dropped it off at the guy 's booth ans piked it up in about an hour , all repainted and sanded smooth again . Stella bought a couple of games at one of the booths , and we went across the street to a combination flea / farmer 's market . Stella bought some clothes at one of the booths and I bought a decal for the front door , and we stocked up on vegatables and grapefruit before we left . 0we brought all our goodies back to the trailers and changed into warmer clothes . We loaded back up in Ted 's truck and drove over to the border crossing at Progresso . This was our first time to cross the border here . Stella crossed one time at Laredo and I have crossed at Brownsville . Both of our prior crossings were much different than today 's . Stella said Laredo was much dirtier than Progresso and I observed that Brownsville was cleaner but didn 't have the street booths or beggars that we saw in Progresso . The conditions are very bad over there and there is a huge military prPosted by |
I woke real early this morning but went back to sleep in my chair . I went down to the rally hall and got the coffee ready for the guys . We had a pretty good turnout , with Jim , Bill , Dwayne , Mack , Bob and Heartland owner Bob Curry . I went back home after coffee and ate some grits for my breakfast . I worked around the house this morning ; I put away my Texas Boomer flamingos and fishing rods to clean up under the trailer . I put the new hummingbird feeder pole together and hung it up in the yard . It will be interesting to see how many hummers I can attract . A cold front came in with rain and cooler weather , which ran me back inside . I read some and caught up with my blog , so it all worked out . Jim B called asking about a reservation that wasn 't showing up on my list of attendees . I went to the office and found that the man had signed up online and had a reservation , but I had no record of his name . I plan to change the way people sign up in the future . It is confusing when people do their own thing to register with the park and I don 't have any record of it . After getting bored with sitting around , Bill and I decided to ride up to the Haven 's Landing KOA to check it out as a possible site for a Heartland rally . When we arrived , I was not real impressed when the young lady in the office told me that she could not tell me about the rally rates . I asked her what the rates would be and she said " it depends " . When I asked her what it depended on , she said she didn 't know . I don 't know why they referred me to her in the first place when there is another lady named Judy that is the events manager . Judy came out and gave me the information that I need to plan our next rally . We stopped and filled up Bill 's truck and acme on back to the park . The Bobcat called me to ask about my fire pit . He was looking at one at Target that has an ice bucket included but he didn 't buy it . We came back to the park and sat around at Bill 's trailer until Stella fixed supper of spaghetti and meat sauce . It was very good , and we sat outside chatting . Posted by It was good to be back in the park . I got up this morning and went to the rally hall and made coffee for the guys that are left . Jim , Mack Dwayne and Bill came down and we had a nice visit and worked on some of the world problems . Stella and I went to the Post Office to send some letters to her clients . We stopped off at the Kroger store where I got fuel after the trip home . We took 15 . 3 gallons @ $ 1 . 999 peer gallon to go 306 . 9 miles for a 20 . 05 average . We came back to the park and picked up Jim and Bill and all went to Camping World in Bill 's truck . We stopped at the Grainger store to use the restroom and I bought a foam pad to kneel on and a big spray can of LPS - 3 . We went to CW and bought a new sewer hose and some braces for the kitchen cabinets to keep things in place when we are traveling . Bill bought several items , but Jim didn 't buy anything . We stopped off at the Los Cucos restaurant for lunch and came on back to the park . We all wanted to go out for supper with Jim and his wife Reeta , so we met about 5 : 45 and went to the Hartz Chicken buffet on the freeway near Rayford . The food wasn 't very good but it filled us up . We came back to cold and rainy weather and all went back inside our trailers for the night . Adios , We got up this morning , preparing to make a flying trip to Dallas for Ian 's 1st birthday party . His birthday is March 24th but Jennifer is celebrating it today at Great Grandmother Matha Sterling 's house in Farmer 's Branch . I went down to the rally hall and made some coffee because we were going to get together with Bill and Ornell for breakfast before we left and it was easier to make breakfast in the hall than one of the trailers . Dwayne , from the park , came down and had coffee with Bill and I and as soon as he left , we started making breakfast . Ornell fixed biscuits and gravy and bacon . It was a very good breakfast and a good way to start out on the drive to Dallas . We got away a few minutes before 10 and made very good time . We stopped for a stretch / bathroom break at the rest stop north of Huntsville and for fuel in Corsicana . We took 15 . 1 gallons @ $ 2 . 249 to go 289 . 7 miles for a 19 . 18 average . Not too bad for a truck with 177 , 000 miles on it ! Just as we got into Farmer 's Branch , I called Melissa and played a little joke on her . I told her that we were at Rayford and that I had forgotten about the birthday party . I just pulled up at Matha 's house when I hung up with her . She didn 't really believe me , but then , she really didn 't know . We got there right behind Jennifer and Jay , so I got to hold Ian while they unloaded their truck . Ian and I had a big ' ol time sitting outside while his Mom did stuff inside . Everyone else soon arrived and it was good to see that side of the family again . Kay was there , but her boyfriend Bruce didn 't make it . He had fallen while walking out this morning and twisted his ankle . It has been many years since I saw Kay 's sister Laura and her kids . Matha 's son Kevin came over and shook my hand , and said it has probably been 35 years since I have seen him . Kay 's brother Roger wasn 't there but his wife Vickie was , with her kids . Matha had a long talk with Stella over our lifestyle now in retirement . She said that Bob had wanted to do something like this before he got sick and passed awayPosted by Today I stayed in our trailer to drink my coffee and eat cereal for my breakfast . Bill and Ornell had told Ricky and Dee that we would come over in the afternoon to see their house and go out to eat somewhere . Bill drove us in Ornell 's new Lincoln SUV . Since Stella and I had not found any lawn chairs yesterday , we thought we 'd go look today . We went to Lone Star RV to look at chairs and other RV items . While I was there , i had a chance to chat with Gordon Byrne , one of the sons of the owner and the man that had sold us out Mobile Scout trailer back in 1998 . He flattered me when he remembered me and what i did when I was working . I told him about our Heartland rallies because they recently began selling Bighorn trailers . He said he would be interested in participating in the next rally , so I told him that I would be in touch before then . We went on over to Ricky and Dee 's house and had a nice visit . Ricky showed us his new handguns because Bill wants a new one for Ornell . We later went to eat at the Los Ranchitos mexican restaurant and had a good meal . We left Ricky and Dee after eating supper and went to the big Academy store to look for chairs . It was a disappointment because they only had the bag chairs , and none of the director chairs that we wanted . We came on back home and hung out for a little while at Bill and Ornell 's trailer . Another pleasant day gone by . This morning I went to have coffee with the guys and Bill came down with us . We had a good time as usual but it was kind of sad too because most of us will be leaving soon for our summer travels and many to go back to their homes . Stella made us pigs in a blanket for breakfast which everyone enjoyed like we always do . Jim and Reeta told us that the Ace Hardware near the park had some nice looking folding chairs that we might want to check out . We went to the store and looked at the chairs but they weren 't what we were looking for . These were the bag - type chairs , not the director chairs that we wanted . We then decided to go to some other stores to look . We went to Sam 's club and found what we were looking for , but at a higher price than I wanted to pay . We kept on looking and went to the Wal Mart on 242 . While shopping , we heard rain on the tin roof and then loud sounds that sounded like hail . I immediately called Jim at the park to ask him to put the awning up , which he did . I went to the front of the store and looked outside but didn 't see any sign of hail . We later learned that it had hailed in Conroe but not around here . We returned to the park and went to a potluck dinner with the other winter Texans that were getting ready to leave to go back home for the summer . We had a very enjoyable meal with our friends and stayed to play bingo . I got a telephone call from Phil , my brother . He told me about Carol being laid off in thr reduction at UTMB but she will be starting a new job at Clear Lake hospital next month . His brother and sister - in - law have moved into a FEMA trailer in Galveston and the repairs to their house are almost complete . Clifford and katherine , his father and mother - in - law have sold their house in Galveston and are still living with Phil in Dickinson but are looking at a house around the corner from his house . He told me that Bobbye Sue has bought a lake house near Dallas and she and Pete are thinking about moving out of their house into the lake house soon . I told Phil about Aunt Frat and he said hPosted by I woke real early this morning and checked email and read the newspaper reports on the Internet . I later sat in my recliner and went back to sleep , but woke in time to go have coffee with the guys in the Lone Star room . No one had come down , so I made the coffee this morning . We ran out of coffee and were low in supplies , so when the coffee bunch ended , I stopped by the office and told Melissa . I returned to the trailer and had some cereal for my breakfast . I read a little bit and called Bill , who was coming in this morning . I found out that he was near Cut N Shoot and should be here soon . I went to the office and told Crystal that he would soon be here and that he had difficulty in hearing and that she would need to talk very loud to him ( a practical joke on him ) . Bill didn 't mention it , but his friend Ronnie , who had come up with him , said that he had noticed the girl in the office talking very loud . Ornell and Vickie ( Ronnie 's wife ) were coming up this afternoon after work . It began to rain real hard about four o ' clock in the afternoon , about the time that they had planned to leave , and the rain was moving east , toward them . Bill talked to her and told her to stay home until the morning if she didn 't want to drive in the heavy rain . Stella and I went to Krogers this afternoon for groceries . We have been doing real well on our food and have not been eating out too much . When we left , I pulled up near Bill 's trailer and blew my new air horn for him . He had bought one and put it on his truck , but I had replaced mine while we were in McAllen and wanted to show it off to him . He didn 't come out when I blew it at him , but he came by my trailer later after we had returned and blew his horn at me . I 'm sure that at some point next week , we 'll have a " toot - off " to see whose horn is the loudest . we met several other couples from the park that are leaving this weekend or next week at Luby 's restaurant . They are some of our closest friends here in the park and it was nice of them to have invited us . Of course , we have been livPosted by There were only three trailers from the Boomer rally left in the park . Jim and LeAnne had to go to their accountant 's office to do their taxes , Bernest had to go to work and Pauleen took the day off to close up the trailer and get it ready to leave , and Ted and Donna stayed in the park to get ready to leave this morning . I got up this morning and went and had coffee with the guys . Ted came down a little before 8 and joined us for coffee . I walked home with him and fixed some breakfast for myself . About 9 : 30 or 10 , I noticed Ted outside and walked over to check with his preparations to leave . He said he had trouble with his electrical , perhaps a battery problem , but as long as he stayed hooked up either to his truck or with his electric plugged in , they showed to be in good shape . He got everything working and they left about 10 : 30 or so . They have a long trip of 6 miles to get back to their storage lot , but he said they would have to stop somewhere because he couldn 't make a long haul like that without a break ha ha : - ) Stella had to go to a Wa - Mu bank to make a deposit for one of Dr . Gulde 's employees , so we went out to eat at the China Bear . This is a very large oriental food buffet that calls itself the biggest and best buffet in Houston . We like it but both agreed that it wasn 't as good as usual tonight . I messed up and called Jennifer for Ian 's birthday this evening . My watch had somehow showed the wrong date , the 24th instead of the 23rd . We had a nice chat , and I told her I would call back tomorrow on the right day to sing Happy Birthday to him . Tuesday was a laid back , stay home day for us . I woke and had coffee with the guys and came back to the trailer . The weather was cloudy and with thoughts of cleaning up the dirt and mud that had been left on the trailer after the rainy weather in Donna as we left and in Palacios , I began washing the truck and trailer . Intermittent rain all day kept me from finishing the job , but I did get most of the worst spots done . I got the truck completely washed and it looks muPosted by Today was the last day of my retirement rally at Rayford Crossing . I got up and made some coffee and went outside to talk to David and Charlotte before they left , a little before eight o ' clock . After they left , I went back inside and ate a leftover biscuit for my breakfast and watched as others made their preparations to leave . One by one my friends left to go home . It is always nice to now be able to sit back and watch as everyone leaves on Sunday morning while we can sit back and take it easy . There were no problems or incidents during the others departures , although Jim Sims had to find a roll of duct tape to work on Raymond 's awning that had ripped . He found some in Don Allen 's ( who else ? ) trailer and made the temporary repairs . Everyone was pretty much out by noon except Barbara and Larry and Vickie who had vehicle problems . There were four trailers including ours that stayed another night , Ted and Donna , Jim and LeAnne and Bernest and Pauleen . We all hung out all afternoon , and Bernest and Pauleen went for a ride on their motorcycle . It was a fine day for a motorcycle ride with sunny skies and warm temperatures . We all got together at Ted and Donna 's trailer for a hot dog / coney island supper . Everyone pitched in for the supper and it was a nice way to end up my weekend with friends . Til next . . . . We woke this morning pretty late , about eight o ' clock for me . I took my shower and got Stella up to start making her biscuits for breakfast . I went and found some of the guys that needed coffee and invited them to the trailer where I had made coffee outside . We all soon went to the rally hall where there was a delicious potluck breakfast . We were honored with an assigned table for all of us , including my " adopted son " Bob Wurch who had sat down with us . Everyone had plenty to eat . Sandy made a little speech introducing the new folks to the group and visitors ; family members who were visiting with members . Damon McCollum from Camping World had come again , and had brought some door prizes which he gave out . He gave out the prizes by handing out playing cards . People with duplicate numbers would choose a number with the closest to the chosen number would win the prize . I won a set of antique fishing lures patio lights but tied with Bernest Currey . We both chose numbers but I won , but gave the prize to him . I didn 't feel comfortable in accepting the prize but we don 't use lights on our awning , so they wouldn 't have been used . Sandy called Ken Wilson to the front to be introduced as a new Administrator for IRV2 . Then I was called up and given a retirement cap with a " mood meter " on the front . It has a pointer that has several " moods " Work Sucks , Sleepy , Do It Yourself , So What ? , Shy Worry ? , and I 'm hungry on it . She said that I should go around and visit with people and have them sign the cap as a remembrance of this weekend . It was a very nice thought and I will keep this cap and its memories forever . I spent the remainder of the morning walking around and having people sign the cap and visiting . I spent a lot of time in the display unit that Damon had brought over from Camping World . It was a Bighorn 3600RE with the rear entertainment TV . There is a 42 " Samsung flat screen TV on a bracket that raises up when the TV is turned on . I , as well as others , am amazed by the picture off the " batwing " antenna on the roof . On Posted by Today was arrival day for everyone else that was coming to my retirement rally at Rayford Crossing . About five or six rigs had pulled in yesterday and the rest arrived today . I went to the Lone Star room where I met the guys for coffee and to solve some of the world 's problems . I stopped by the office to ask about getting some propane in an empty bottle , and signed us up for the ice cream social on Sunday afternoon . When I got home , Stella had gotten the boys up and was preparing our breakfast . We visited with our friends all morning , and around noon we went to our storage room to get the fishing poles for Cameron to use , and then to Kroger to shop for groceries for the rest of the weekend . Upon returning to the park , we hung out with our friends all afternoon and decided to go to Donnelly 's Pizza for supper with Bernest and Pauleen and Tommy and Susan . As usual , we had a good meal . We came back to the park and later sat around Don Allen 's firepit for our nightly campfire . Kim and Jeremy arrived around nine o ' clock . They joined us at the campfire and the boys and I went home about ten o ' clock . Cameron made up their bed and the three of us laid down and went to sleep . We later learned that Donna Smith had been walking her dog when she became entangled in the leash and fell down . she injured her face and broke her glasses and Bill took her to St . Luke 's Hospital for care in their emergency room . We all hope that she is okay . Til next time . . . . Today was the first day of arrival for the Boomers for my retirement rally . Several of our friends from the Boomers arrived today and we had a very enjoyable time sitting around and visiting with our friends all day long as they arrived . Carla Clifton had offered to do a craw fish boil for everyone tonight . David and I helped her with some of her preparations and getting her trailer set up , and David then helped her fix the craw fish . We ended up with a lot of craw fish left over , but a great time was had by all . Tommy had his campfire all set up , so when we finished eating , we went to Tommy 's and sat around the fire . I stayed out until about 10 : 30 and finally turned in . Cameron helped me get their bed made up and me and the boys went to bed . A short days recollection for a very nice day . I woke this morning and went to the rally hall to meet with some of the guys for coffee . Jim had made the brew for Mack , Dwain , me and later Tommy . We had a good time and solved some of the world 's problems . Stella and I got ready to go to see her clients today . First , we went to Donoho 's Jewelers to send my watch off for service . I had already tried to replace the battery but it had quit running again , so it is time for service . Then we left for Clear Lake for Stella to go to the doctor 's offices and clinics . She went to the clinic in Webster first to see people in Dr . Merritt 's office , then to Texas City to see Dr . Gulde at the Mainland Center hospital . We went by our house and picked up some items that we need , and looked at the work that had been done by the workman that Jeremy had used to do some repairs . When we got everything that we could think of out of the house , we went back to the hospital so Stella could meet with Dr . Merritt while I stayed in the truck reading a book . When she got through with her meeting , we went to Cameron 's baseball team practice . Kim was there , but Jeremy and the boys hadn 't gotten there yet . They soon got there but Tyler had stayed home to play on the computer . I watched a little bit of practice and went to get Tyler from the house . When we got back to the field , practice was over and we left to go eat at Uncle Chan 's buffet . When we finished eating , we went to their house to get their stuff and then to return to the park . We went back through Alvin so we could get some cheap fuel again . We stopped off at the Wal Mart ( Murphy Bros . ) station where we got 21 . 5 gallons @ $ 1 . 85 per gallon to go 2898 . 2 miles = 13 . 45 average miles per gallon . Not too bad for a trip pulling the trailer . We got back to the park around 10 : 15 and went to bed for the night . Later . . . . Today is our travel day from Serendipity RV park in Palacios back to Rayford Crossing in the Woodlands . I went out about 7AM to start putting things away and getting ready to go . David soon came out , but he had started last night and was much more ready to go than I was . I made good time and we were ready to go soon . Stella got everything inside ready too , so we pulled out at 9 : 10 . Since David and I had both refueled yesterday , we made good time down the road . The traffic was light and we made very good time . We made one stop at the Buc - EE 's just outside of Angleton . We made it to Rayford about noon , and in what seemed like no time at all , we were all set up and ready to relax . The winter Texans in the park had organized a St . Patrick 's Day green beer party and potluck dinner at the rally hall . We went down at 4 and had a very good time seeing old friends at the park . We were welcomed back to the park by many of our friends here . We told and retold our stories about the valley and our good and bad times . After supper , I went inside the trailer and watched NCIS , my favorite show on television . When it went off , I went back out to sit at Tommy and Susan 's motorhome where Tommy had built a big campfire . Again , it was nice to see old friends again and a great way to return to Rayford . Til next time , Everyone came over to our trailer for breakfast this morning . Stella fixed some buttermilk biscuits and gravy , Tom and Judy fixed some pan sausage and David and Charlotte fixed scrambled eggs , muffins and David 's homemade salsa . It was a very good breakfast and all enjoyed themselves . We stayed in our trailers for awhile until the sun warmed everything up . We went over to Tom and Judy 's Hitchhiker II and sat outside chatting . I got my CD 's out of the truck to listen to on a player . After awhile , Tom went to wash his truck and I went to fuel up for tomorrow 's drive back to Rayford , along with David and Charlotte . I went to the Super S grocery store and bought my diesel for $ 2 . 06 per gallon ( the highest prices we have paid since going to the valley ) . I took 19 . 0 gallons to go 195 . 8 miles for an average of 10 . 3 MPG . We cooked steaks out on the grill later this afternoon . There was corn on the cob , baked potatoes , grilled asparagus and some of David 's veggies . It was another wonderful meal with friends . After cleaning up the supper dishes , Stella and I , Tom and Judy and Charlotte walked over to the rec hall where we played some more Farkle . It 's a fun dice game and the best thing was I WON two of the three games ! It was a very nice way to end our final night in Palacios . Adios , We got up this morning to cold weather but no rain thank goodness . We all stayed inside our trailers for breakfast on our own , but agreed to go to the Blessing Hotel for lunch . The has been a landmark in Blessing Texas since 1906 . We have been coming there for many years , and some of Stella 's family is pictured on the walls of the dining room . A note about the Blessing area . One of the old Texas cattle ranchers who lived in this area of Texas was Jonathan Pierce . Pierce set aside 640 acres for a town at the intersection where the Southern Pacific and the Missouri Pacific railroads met . Jonathan was so glad that the railroads had come to the area that he wanted to name the town " Thank God " but the Post Office wouldn 't allow it , so he named the town Blessing . Bob and Donna had to leave today because her school was on spring break last week and Judy 's school is on break this week , so she and Tom could stay . Tom and Judy rode with us to Blessing , David and Charlotte drove their truck and Bob and Donna took their truck and trailer and left after lunch for home . We drove by Stella 's old home place in town , and by the Chaparral RV park where we have stayed in the past while visiting in Blessing . We then returned to Palacios where we went to the Ace Hardware for Tom to get a drill bit to repair his trailer . We stopped at the grocery store and picked up a few items before returning to the trailers . We stayed in the trailer until 4 : 30 or so when I went for a walk with Tom , Judy and Charlotte . It rained on us near the Baptist Encampment and we took shelter on the porch of one of their buildings for a few minutes until the rain stopped . We saw what appeared to be an RV park while walking , but when we came back we saw that it was several RVs that were parked on the grounds of the encampment . It was a nice walk , even with the rain . After a short rest , we all went to the recreation hall for an ice cream . The park was serving ice cream for $ . 50 a scoop , so we all got some ice cream , and what was even better , David bought it all ! DaPosted by We woke to rainy and cold weather again this morning . It was a good morning to just stay inside where it was warm and cozy and watch TV and read books . We went over to David and Charlotte 's trailer where we ate leftover soup and sandwiches for lunch . We met another of Charlotte 's friends and her husband , Tom and Judy . Charlotte and Judy worked at the school district together until Charlotte retired . We sat around visiting most of the afternoon . Tom had a problem with his Hitchhiker trailer when they arrived . He let the landing legs down but when he tried to lower the entire leg , there was a pin that sheared off , so one leg wouldn 't come down . He had to leave his trailer attached to his truck until he can get it fixed or until they leave for home . We went over to Bob and Donna 's trailer for supper of David 's chili and cornbread . We were supposed to have gone to a karaoke session in the rec hall , but we got to talking and forgot about it . We remembered it about 8 : 15 and decided that it was too late to go . We sat around chatting and visiting until 10 o ' clock and all went home . The rain had stopped but it was cold outside , so we didn 't try to sit outside . We watched a little television and went to bed . We didn 't use the furnace because the electric heater in the living room kept the whole trailer warm . It was very pleasant sleeping but I 'm tired of the cold weather . Til next time . Today was our day of travel from Donna to Palacios . We woke pretty early but it was still dark and cold outside , so I didn 't get in a big hurry to go out and do my chores . We did get away around 10 AM , which is about an hour later than we had wanted to , but we were on the road again ! We stopped only once for fuel in Riviera Texas and took on 11 . 97 gallons to go 102 . 8 miles for an 8 . 58 average . I still don 't believe all the crud is out of the tank and I don 't want to let it get real low in the tank before we refuel . We got into Palacios about 3 o ' clock and checked in without problem . It wasn 't raining here but it 's cold and cloudy . Along the way , I called Aunt Frat , who is in a rest home in Tyler with cancer . I told her that we are coming to Tyler to see her next month and she was excited to hear it . She told me that although she is in this home , she knows she is getting better and should be out in a month or so . We were talking about family and asked about my brother , and when I referred to Phil , she had to ask me who I was talking about . She asked me about my sister , but didn 't call her by name until after I did , so I don 't know if she remembers Bobbye Sue or not . We are parked next to David and Charlotte , our friends from San Antonio . They came down with their friends Bob and Donna , who Charlotte used to work with . We decided to eat some of David 's tortilla soup , which is delicious , but the park is having a hamburger / hot dog appreciation dinner for the residents . I went to the office and got our tickets , and we all went to the rec hall for supper . We took some Thermos 's with David 's soup in them , and as usual , it was delicious . Since the weather is so bad , we just came back to our trailers and watched television . At least we have many channels of television now , not just the local channels . This park has wifi , cable television and full hook ups and is very nice when the weather is nice . It 's not much fun right now because of the cold rainy weather , but it will do . We plan to stay here until Tuesday , when we go bacPosted by This is our last full day at the Casa Del Mar RV park in Donna . We spent the morning just sitting around , with me reading and Stella watching television and piddling around putting some things away in the trailer in preparation for us leaving . She did cut up all the grapefruit that we have and put them into containers in the fridge . Judy came by this morning and invited us to a Good Sam get - together at the Peter Piper Pizza . This is a twice monthly combination of a jam session and eating pizza with friends . It is Good Sam only in name , but the announcers all refer to the club so theres some tie in . It was fun and we enjoyed our time with Tom and Judy . When we returned to the park , Stella and I went to check out the Alamo Palms RV Park for next year . The RV sites are very close together and the awnings of one trailer would almost the sides of their neighbor . They are all back - in sites , but theres plenty of space to maneuver and get set up . We 'll see for next year . We went to the Stripes ( Valero ) store and got fuel . We took on 15 . 27gallons @ 1 . 89 per gallon to go 248 . 3 miles for an average of 16 . 2 MPG . We came back to the park and started getting things picked up and put away for tomorrow ; s trip . I got the outside stuff put away including the stairs , so the only thing outside is the water and sewer . Next report from Palacios . I woke this morning to find Ted outside already . He took his truck up to the car wash where they had agreed to wash and wax it for $ 25 . 00 but he soon returned because no one had showed up . He started picking up things in preparation to them leaving to go to Victoria today and home tomorrow . They pulled out about 10 : 30 . I carried the laundry down to the laundromat for Stella to do the wash . I came back and hung out in the trailer until she called me to come pick up the clean clothes and bring them back to the trailer . Upon returning , Tom and Judy came by to pick us up to go over to Mexico again . Judy needed to check on the price of some of her prescription drugs but we couldn 't find the one she needed . She picked up a few pieces of jewelry and I looked at the fake Rolex watches , but didn 't buy anything . We did go to one of the liquor stores and bought another couple of bottles of liquor to bring back . We returned to the park but Judy asked if we wanted to go to Martha 's for supper . We love going there , so there wasn 't much discussion . Our next - to - last meal was at the little family - owned restaurant right outside the door to the park , and as usual , it was delicious . We stayed outside chatting with Tom and Judy and some of our neighbors until about dark , and came in and watched some television until bedtime . A very short entry for a laid = back day . We stayed in the trailer today . The guys from Steve 's Wash came by early this morning and washed and waxed our trailers . There were five guys scrambling all over the trailers . they started with Ted 's and when they got through washing his , two of them used squeegees to dry the sides while the others started washing mine down . They really had a good system to get the trailers done , and got through with both trailers in less than two hours . Both trailers looked brand new . I went with Ted and Donna over to the flea market fruit and vegetable stand where I bought some tomatoes and oranges . We now have plenty of fresh fruit and veggies to last us awhile . Stella and I walked up to the rally hall and paid the remainder of our bill and the electric for our site . Zina had made a mistake on the amount we owed when we checked in , and we corrected her mistake . The electric bill was only $ 1 . 00 per day , a reasonable amount , so now when we leave on Friday , we are all paid up . Stella made some of her goulash or soup and some cornbread that the four of us had for lunch . After lunch , we all sat outside chatting when one of the park maintenance guys came by to cut the grass . We asked him not to cut it today since our trailers had just been washed , and he said okay but wanted to trim some of the higher grass around the water spigot . I hope we didn 't get him in trouble with the manager . We went to Hooters with Tom and Judy for supper . Judy had never been to Hooters so it was a real treat for her . We all had a good time and got back to the park in time for Ted and I to watch NCIS on television . Another laid - back day in Donna . . . . We stayed home today to rest up and take care of some things around the house . I got up and rinsed the truck off , in preparation for tomorrow 's washing and waxing of the trailer . It needs a good washing , but the rinse knocked off the hanging dirt . I walked up to the office to get our mail , and while there , the new assistant manager , Zina , told me that we still owe $ 45 . 00 for a month 's stay here . Stella had paid the amount that was requested when we checked in and has a receipt for the month in the amount of $ 330 . 00 but she told me it was $ 375 . 00 for a month . She also told me that the electricity would be $ 1 . 00 a day since our meter doesn 't work . Stella said she will talk to them tomorrow about the bill . Zina was also kind of rude to me when I asked her for a roll of quarters so we could do the laundry . She just said " no " in a mean tone of voice , but then said that someone had just bought the last roll they had . They don 't have a change machine in the laundry , so we had to stop at a bank to get some change . We needed groceries , so Stella made a list and we went to Wal Mart . Before going there , we stopped off at Feldman 's which is an upscale liquor store / deli that we had seen on another trip through the area . The prices seemed high to me , but we bought a couple of bottles of hooch to go to Palacios on Friday . We returned to the park and put the groceries away . Ted and Donna had come back from their Hitchhiker luncheon at Mr . Gatti 's Pizza . They said they had a good time and the big topic of conversation there was that Nu - Way was starting production again in June . We all sat outside for awhile and got hungry . We just cleaned out the refrigerators of leftovers , and ended up having a pretty good supper . We sat outside for a little while and Stella fixed us some ice cream drinks for dessert . Donna accidentally spilled Ted 's drink but Stella made him another one . Donna got out their smoothy - maker that they bought about two years ago and had never used . When Ted opened it , he found the plastic container to mix the drinks iPosted by Today we went to the Borderfest celebration in Hidalgo . We ate breakfast in the trailer while Ted and Donna went to church this morning . We left for the festival about eleven and arrived without much traffic and no problems . The Borderfest is a festival of the heritage of this area and showcased several entertainment groups and activities . The theme of this year 's fest is Jamaica , and the entire area was covered in beautiful colors . The first one we went to was an animal act that featured snakes to tigers and was very interesting . The couple that showed the animals seem very interested in their well - being and the fact that some are reportedly endangered . The first animal that we saw in the display was a cougar but it was not showcased in this show . They began with a ball python , then to a monkey , a parrot , and a Bengal tiger . We saw a steel drum band , a bagpipe group from Austin , many Mexican entertainers and groups , a couple of country performers and a very loud rock and roll group . We saw some fancy and expensive cars from a Harlingen car company , but no late model cars and trucks : 0 ( We got samples from Proctor and Gamble and a few food samples . The food at the festival was very expensive and we didn 't buy anything there to eat other than the samples . Interestingly enough , we all dreaded having to use the porta cans to relieve ourselves , but they were surprisingly clean . It really wasn 't bad at all . We did see the guys that operate the vacuum trucks to clean the cans out . I thought to myself , how would you like to tell your grandkids that your job was running a honey wagon for a porta can company . I know that someone has to do it , and I 'm glad it wasn 't me … . . We came back to the park to put everything away and decided to go eat some Mexican food tonight for supper . I wanted to go to the El Palenque restaurant that Bob Wurch had recommended . Ted looked them up online and found that the taco dinner was $ 16 . 00 , the same price as enchiladas and fajitas , so we decided not to go there . A little too spendy fPosted by Today we spent our last Saturday in the valley . We stayed in for the morning , missing out on the " garage sale " in the park . Donna got up and bought a couple of pair of shoes at a bargain price but Stella and I stayed in . We had decided to go to eat Gonzales Burgers for lunch instead of eating breakfast . Gonzales Burgers are famous here in Donna because they are very large burgers that are prepared by some sisters that inherited the business from their mother . The location is in an old store that has been converted to a restaurant serving only burgers , fries and drinks . There is still one rack of items for sale , but I don 't think anyone else even noticed it . The burgers were very good and very very filling ! I don 't know why anyone would order the double meat and especially the double - double ( double meat and cheese ) . I did order the fry mixture of french fries and onion rings . It 's a little cheaper that way and we still got plenty of fries to go with our burgers . To give you an idea of how busy this place is , we got there about ten ' til eleven - they open at eleven o ' clock on Saturday - and still had to wait about an hour to get our food . This place sells hundreds of hamburgers daily and is only open from eleven AM ' til three PM . From there we went back to the Don - West flea market . I had decided to buy a cap from one of the shops , but when we got there , not only did I buy a cap , Stella and I both bought some tee shirts . We also bought a fold - up table for the trailer . It is a very nice oak table that will go well in the living room for us to work on our computers . Now I need to finish it and seal the wood . Another project ! We then went to find a car museum that Ted and Donna knew about . They had seen it in the Knapp Chevrolet dealership , three years ago on another trip down here . They remembered that it was downtown on Tyler street . We drove the length of Tyler St . before we stopped to ask directions . The store clerk said they thought it was on Hwy . 83 , but we programmed the dealership into the Garmin and followed it to Posted by We made another trip over to Mexico at Progresso . We had to pick up some more medications for both ourselves and others , and Donna wanted to pick up one of the handmade candy wrapper purses for her sister - in - law . We went back to the Almost Free Pharmacy which is just across the border , and got the meds . The clerk recognized us and gave Stella and Donna a pill carrier / pill slicer . Donna found one of the purses she wanted across the street from the pharmacy and talked the girl down to $ 20 . 00 ( from $ 25 ) but decided to look elsewhere to see if she could find a better bargain . We waded through an incredible amount of street vendors , both in booths and just walking around selling " handmade " items as well as candy and gum . She found one of these walking vendors that didn 't have the size of purse that she wanted but said he could take us to them . He went directly back to the same booth that we had stopped at before and tried to get $ 28 . 00 for the same exact purse that Donna had already looked at . She told him she would give him $ 20 . 00 for it , which the girl had already quoted her but he kept on trying to get more money out of Ted . Ted pulled out a 20 dollar bill and the man snatched it up but called Ted a " cheapyskate " . I think these border guards need to keep up with current events on the necessary identification . After June 1 , it will take a passport , passport card or enhanced drivers license . I asked the Border Patrol officer that passed us through back into the United States about using my Texas Drivers License , but he said it will take a passport . I verified online that Texas is in the process of getting the current drivers license approved as an enhanced license . We won 't cross the border very often and will probably get either a passport or passport card because we have no plans to leave the country by air or ship . We came back to the trailers to drop off our drugs and the " cheapyskate purse " before traveling to the Los Ebanos hand - pulled ferry . This is the last hand operated ferry in the United States and probablyPosted by We decided to stay at home today and rest up . We have been going somewhere every day , so we 're taking a break . Bob Wurch called to say that he was in town and wanted to come by to chat . He came by about 10 o ' clock and we all sat outside and drank coffee and talking . Bob invited Stella and I to eat lunch with him at Lin 's Chinese buffet . Ted was supposed to have had his trailer washed at one , so they didn 't want to leave . Lunch was very good , and the variety is at least as good as anything in Housotn . We returned to the trailer , and Bob left for Laredo for other sales calls . I talked to Ivan , our neighbor and learned that he had his truck washed and waxed for $ 25 . 00 at a car wash on Business 83 . Ted and I later went to Wal Mart but when we talked to the lady at the car wash , she quoted Ted a price of $ 30 . 00 . She said that the Wednesday special was $ 25 . 00 , so Ted said he will be back on Wednesday . Donna invited us to have spaghetti and meatballs with them tonight , so Stella fixed a no - sugar white chocolate pie and we went . Supper was good , and we all enjoyed our food . Donna wanted to watch Survivor on television , so we all went in early . Another nice day in the RGV . Today was a pretty laid - back day for us . We went to the flea market at Don - West again and bought some more fruit and vegetables . From there we tried to get into the Gonzales Burger place , which is a very small restaurant in a questionable neighborhood that has apparently the best burgers in the Valley . Ted had read about them and we found the place , and sure enough , there were many , many people standing in line to order their burgers . The girls decided that they wanted to go " rag picking " again at the Ropa Usadas . Donna had found two of them that sell nothing but new brand name items . We found them and bought a few items . I observed that they apparently buy overrun t - shirts that have been printed for different events and then are sold here . I saw shirts from many different places , from family reunions to race staff . These stores had many other items like shoes ( very cheaply made ) and clothing accessories that you would see in a clothing store ( power tie racks , jewelry boxes , etc . ) We ended the afternoon at Furr 's Fine Buffet in McAllen . This has gotten to be one of our favorite restaurants in the Valley . We went back to the park after eating and just hung out until 7 when we went to the rec hall for karaoke . They have a professional karaoke guy that comes in with his own system and people can choose what they want to sing . I chose a Hank Williams song , Hey Good Looking . It was a fun night and none of us got into trouble . So long for now , It wasn 't nearly as cold this morning as it was yesterday , about 50 degrees today . The problem was , Donna called about 9 o ' clock to tell me that their furnace had stopped working . The fan would come on but the furnace wouldn 't light and warm everything up . Both Ted and I looked at the thing , but we couldn 't see anything wrong . I got a number from Tom for a mobile service man , but when Ted called him , he learned that the man had already started heading back north to home . Ted is going to a Hitchhiker luncheon next week , so maybe he will find someone there that can work on it . If not , he will probably wait until they get back to Houston . We drove over to South Padre Island today . Donna found an entertainer at Louie 's Backyard whose show is called 12 String Tim . There is also a good looking buffet at Louie 's too , so we decided to go there . The show and buffet didn 't start until 3 : 45 , so we just rode around the small island looking around . We stopped along the beach and walked out onto the sand . We walked up near the water 's edge , when we noticed a " cliff " of sand that had been washed out by the ride . The " cliff " is only a foot or so high and when I walked to the edge to check it , it crumbled beneath me and I fell . I wasn 't hurt at all and everyone had a good laugh at my expense . We drove through the former Destination RV Resort which is now a KOA . The sites were a nice size , and full hookups but they are on coleche rock with blacktop streets . It seems pretty spendy to pay $ 55 . 00 per day for this . We looked at the Cameron County park on the south end of the island , but they wanted to charge us $ 4 . 00 to drive in and check the place out and no one was willing to pay . There is an area that is outside the gate that we drove through , but a couple of the sites look like something from the Beverly Hillbillies , with tarps strung over everything and junk everywhere . This is not a place that I would want to stay . Another problem that we noticed down on the coast here is that the wind blows so much , with the beach sand , everythinPosted by Yikes , it 's 34 degrees here in sunny south Texas ! At least its not snowing . Donna spoke with Brenda who is in Memphis while Rick works for his brother there , and they had 5 " of snow on the ground yesterday . There was so much snow they couldn 't make it to church . It soon began warming up , so Ted , Tom and I went to get our propane bottles filled . I went ahead and filled both of mine , while they only filled one . We probably looked like a propane delivery truck with all those bottles . . . . . Ted and Donna and Stella and I later went over to Harlingen to the Iwo Jima memorial . The memorial is in Harlingen because one of the men holding the flag was from Weslaco . We learned that he had been mis - identified at first , but his mother recognized him in the photo and set the record straight . It was a very moving experience to see what those brave young men did so long ago . After leaving the memorial , we went by the Llano Grande RV Resort in Mercedes . It is a very nice park , but a little bit pricey . There are so many RV parks in this area , it would take a couple of weeks to visit all of them . While there are several things I don 't like about the Casa Del Sol 's amenities , it is centrally located and easy to get in and out of . We returned to the park where Ted grilled our supper . They had bought some steaks at a meat market in Brenham and Stella had some boneless pork chops . It was a good meal with good friends . Tom and Judy stopped by and we sat around chatting until it got too cold to sit outside and we all went home . Later . . . . Today was a rest day for us . We stayed in the park all day long and did household chores . I cleaned up one of our lawn chairs that had gotten some mold on the top , but it looked to me like it was merely dirty . I sprayed it with some cleaner and then brushed it with a stiff bristle brush and after it dried , it looked very much improved . Stella went to the laundry and did the clothes washing . I stayed in the trailer and dusted around and picked up some clothes while she was gone . After finishing our chores , we met Ted and Donna and went down to the rally hall and played a rousing game of Mexican Train in the card room . We also got to listen to a banjo concert that started at five o ' clock . I guess we technically cheated by not paying for the concert but we were in the card room first . After finishing our game , they were serving ice cream in the rally hall . I didn 't feel like having any ( trying to be good on sugar ) so we walked back to the trailer and Stella fixed me a sandwich for supper . We stayed inside and watched TV for the rest of the night . Stella and I got up this morning and drank our coffee in the trailer . We had decided to go to the park breakfast about 8 : 30 this morning , thinking that the breakfast would be served until 9 like last weekend 's was , but we were wrong . Last weekend 's was a special breakfast buffet but this one was only served until 8 : 30 , so most of the food was already gone . We did get some pancakes and eggs and they threw in some tater tots on my plate , so we had a decent breakfast for about $ 4 . 50 . It was a good thing we had already had our coffee , because the park coffee would float a horshshoe . We all wanted to go to the flea market at Don - Wes , which stands for Donna - Weslaco . We cameback to our trailers to get ready to go in a light rain and while walking over to Ted 's truck , the cool front came in . The temperature dropped ten degrees in about fifteen minutes , so by the time we got to the flea market grounds , it was raining and much colder . Most of the outside booths had not opened today , so we only shopped in the covered building . Ted wanted to have his outside sign refinished and dropped it off at the guy 's booth ans piked it up in about an hour , all repainted and sanded smooth again . Stella bought a couple of games at one of the booths , and we went across the street to a combination flea / farmer 's market . Stella bought some clothes at one of the booths and I bought a decal for the front door , and we stocked up on vegatables and grapefruit before we left . 0we brought all our goodies back to the trailers and changed into warmer clothes . We loaded back up in Ted 's truck and drove over to the border crossing at Progresso . This was our first time to cross the border here . Stella crossed one time at Laredo and I have crossed at Brownsville . Both of our prior crossings were much different than today 's . Stella said Laredo was much dirtier than Progresso and I observed that Brownsville was cleaner but didn 't have the street booths or beggars that we saw in Progresso . The conditions are very bad over there and there is a huge military prPosted by |
We were at Oakland Oracle Arena to see Bob Seger . I had gotten us pretty good seats that enabled us to use the Club level access so we were in the Club having a pre - concert drink when Bill said , " Ross Valory is here . " Journey is one of my all time favorite bands so of course I was excited . Bill told me to go ask him for his autograph but I was too shy so he went up to stand near where Mr . Valory was talking with some friends . When there was a break in the conversation Bill said , " Mr . Valory , my wife would like your autograph but she is too shy to ask . " He said , " Where is she ? " and Bill pointed me out to him . He came right over to where I was sitting and stayed and talked with us for a good five or ten minutes ! He was the nicest guy . He very kindly took pictures with each of us and signed the back of one of my business cards , the only paper I had with me . I told him that we had just seen Journey at Shoreline a few months before and that it was a great show . He asked us where we were sitting for the Seger concert and we told him . He was sitting in a section just to the left of us . He said Bob Seger was one of his favorites . I asked him why he was in the Club and not backstage and why he didn 't have a special badge or something and he laughed and said that he had even needed to produce ID to prove he was " somebody . " Then he shook our hands , told us to enjoy the show and went back to his friends . I know that some celebrities can be real jerks when you ask for autographs , especially in situations like that where they are just out to have some fun themselves , but he seemed genuinely pleased that we knew who he was and was more than gracious in spending time with us . Cherished Memory # 30 - My dad and his poinsettias . We had flowers and bushes all over our yard but his most prized possession I think was the poinsettia plant ( tree ) that grew in the front yard . It took up a whole corner and when it bloomed around Christmas time it was so pretty . One of the things he used to do every Christmas was donate some poinsettia plants in pots to the local church for their altar decorations . I can remember going with him to load up the truck with pots and pots of these plants and then taking them to the rectory at church so the priests could put them around the altar . That was kind of interesting because I was in a special place " behind the scenes . " Not many people got to go there . I remember it being a very cold room . Then , when we were at mass for the holidays I could see all the plants around the altar and felt kind of proud that those had come from our family . I did it ! I may not have posted every day but I did manage to get my 30 Cherished Memories in . I have so many more that I may do this again next November . Perhaps by then I 'll be smart enough to plan the posts in advance so if something happens and I get busy , all I 'll have to do is hit " publish . " Hope you have enjoyed these glimpses into my memory bank as much as I have enjoyed putting them out there . Get ready for December Reflections ! Posted by She was about 4 or 5 I think , not in kindergarten yet and the Wizard of Oz was making it 's annual appearance on TV . I hesitated to introduce her to it because I was afraid that it might scare her , but it is a classic so I decided that we would watch it together and if she started to show signs that it was bothering her , I 'd change the channel . From the moment the movie started , she was glued to the screen . Not a bit of it bothered her at all , not even the wicked witch ! When it was over , I asked her if she liked it and she said " Yes ! " I asked who her favorite character was and she said , " Cowardly Lion " in her cute little girl voice . Then I asked her what she remembered most about it and her eyes got big and she said , " The trees were WINDY ! " I couldn 't help but laugh at the wonder in her voice . Fortunately I have it on video , unfortunately I haven 't transferred it yet so you can 't get the full effect . At any rate , that has now become a staple saying in our family whenever it is really blowing outside , " The trees were WINDY ! " Similarly , when Jeff was about the same age , we watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory . I wasn 't worried about him being afraid of anything in that movie and we watched the whole thing together . We talked about the movie but there was no stand - out moment for him , or so I thought . A couple of days went by and we were sitting in the living room watching TV again . I don 't remember what we were talking about but all of a sudden Jeff came up next to his father and slammed his hand down on the side table and said , " You lose , good day sir ! " Bill and I looked at each other and started cracking up . Jeff was so serious about the whole thing . That 's another one that gets used in the family from time to time , " You lose , good day sir ! " ( Wish I could have said that to someone recently if you know what I mean ) . Rachel has always had a very good vocabulary . I attribute that in part to my mom who took care of her while I worked and who was always talking and reading to her . She would frequently use big words and mostly in the right context . She was ( and still is ) big on following the rules ( she used to watch the speedometer on the car and made sure to tell me if I was going over the speed limit ) . On this day she and I were walking through Tanforan and as usual I was in a hurry . In the middle of the mall they had a kids play area with mechanical animals and cars for the kids to ride . You know the kind you put your money in and it rocks for a few minutes like these . Anyway , as I said , I was in a hurry and Rachel wanted to ride the horsie . Of course I said " No , we don 't have time . " She pleaded , as kids do , and I said " Not today , come on . " I started to walk away from her and she said in a loud voice , " MOM , don 't you know you 're not supposed to leave your child UNATTENDANCE ? " Of course I had not really gone that far away from her but instantly I looked around to see if anyone had heard her . I could just imagine Child Protective Services coming up to me . . . I still didn 't let her ride the horse ( we really didn 't have time that day ) , and I went back and got her and held her hand and tried not to laugh too hard . In retrospect , what would have happened if I had spent the extra minute or two to let her ride that horse ? She is away at college now and our times together are becoming less and less . Every memory counts ! So , three memories in one post ! Maybe I will make my 30 memories after all ! How about you ? Kids say anything that still makes you chuckle ? Posted by My husband is very romantic . I love that about him . When we first started dating , he brought me a plant . When he gave it to me he said , " As this grows , so will our love grow . " Wow ! That was so beautiful I thought . Also , a lot of pressure . I wasn 't exactly born with a green thumb and what happens if I kill the plant ? Here it is when he first gave it to me : The pictures are terrible but the memories are crystal clear . It is a small plant , as you can tell from the vase next to it . It is sitting on the back of my headboard . Fast forward to about 7 years later . That plant had gotten so big ! It had made a move from the house I was renting with my girlfriend to an apartment that Bill and I rented with one of his friends , to an apartment that we rented on our own and then to a house that we rented when the kids started coming along . We had to keep repotting it and at one point we even split it up into two pots ! Talk about love growing ! It grew big enough that we had to start putting it on the floor instead of on a shelf or the speaker . Unfortunately , when we made the last move to the house that we are living in now , it did not last long . Maybe it had been weakened from all the moves . Maybe it wasn 't getting as much sun in the new house . Fortunately , I knew that our love would keep growing even without the plant ! Cherished Memory # 25 - The Love Angel We had gone to our annual Boulder Creek golf tournament and on the way home we stopped with some friends at a little curio shop . We wandered around a bit looking at all the trinkets and then went back on our way home . When we pulled up in the driveway and were getting out of the car , my husband handed me a box and said , " Here , I got this for you . " I had no idea he had bought anything . Not quite sure how he managed that but anyway , when I opened the box , this is what I found : He makes me melt that guy ! He always says that he knew the minute he shook my hand and looked in my eyes when we first met that I was the one for him and this little poem says just that . I have kept it in my wallet for all these years . The little angel I keep on my desk because I 'm afraid if I wear it , I 'll forget about it and put it in the washer ! We are down to our last five memories . Not quite the way I planned it , but being away for a week kind of threw me off . I 'll try to add some more tomorrow . How about you ? Got a romantic hubby ? Are you the romantic one ? Love to hear it . It was July 1963 . I was eight . My sister , JoAnne was getting married and she asked me to be her flower girl ! I was SO excited . I got to have my own bouquet and had shoes dyed to match my dress . I had some dorky bow in my hair but that didn 't matter . I 'm the little one right in front ! The ceremony was long , but the reception was great and I even got to sit at the special table with the Wedding party instead of with my parents . How grown up I felt ! My dress had a little flounce in the skirt so it was cool when I twirled . I tried to catch the bouquet when she threw it but I wasn 't quite tall enough . Sadly , my sister and brother - in - law have both passed away , but what great memories ! They ( and my parents ) , were the best role models for a happy marriage . Miss them lots . . . Posted by Pretty much all of the families lived in San Francisco but our family moved to San Bruno when I was almost two and my memories are of those times . We had a huge kitchen that spanned the width of the house and on Thanksgiving everyone would come to our house for dinner . I 'm the little one right in front . It was great having everyone over . Those were the times when we got all those " special " foods like cold meats and focaccia from the deli . I remember when I was 16 and had just gotten my driver 's license my mom asked me to go to the deli to pick up our order . What a thrill that was ! I felt so important ! Thinking back on it and being a mom now , I realize that she was probably glad that she didn 't have to leave the house to go pick up stuff ! This year , since our family was apart , we were able to Facetime with each other . Not the same as all being around the same table , but it was better than nothing ! If you look at the pictures in the bottom corner , you can see the rest of us . Something I did not mention in that post , though was about the wedding day itself and our honeymoon . We were set to be married out on the Vista Point in Zephyr Cove ( doesn 't that sound romantic ? ) . My maid of honor and I had gone ahead and were waiting at the chapel that is nearby until the boys caught up . We waited . We waited some more . No sign of the guys . This was in prehistoric times before cell phones you know . Pretty soon there was a call to the office that the guys would be coming shortly . They had to wait for AAA because my husband - to - be had locked the keys to the car in the trunk ! Finally they made it and fortunately , even though we were over an hour late for the ceremony , the couple that had been scheduled before us was just finishing up . I had not gotten a bouquet for myself because I was trying to save money and so had just ordered a wristlet like you would get for a prom . As I was walking around the path to get to the ceremony spot , the bridal party was coming around the corner to get to their cars . The bride handed me her bouquet and said , " Here , you can catch this bouquet ! " It matched my dress perfectly ! After the ceremony we went into town and had a lunch at Harrah 's and then walked around doing some gambling . I wore my wedding dress the whole time and everyone was wishing us congratulations . It was kind of fun . We scheduled our wedding around my husband 's sports activities so when we came home from Tahoe , he had either a bowling night or a softball game , I can 't remember which . The next day we were on our way to Disneyland because he had never been there before ! I think you can tell by the smile on his face how happy he was to meet Mickey . We had a blast . Since we were so close to Anaheim Stadium , we took in an Angles game and got to see history when Jack Morris and the Detroit Tigers won the game and posted a 17 - game on the road winning streak , tying the Major League record at the time . Then it was time to come home because he had either another bowling night or softball game . One thing I knew riJanet Miles Cherished Memory # 19 - Road trip to Disneyland with my roommate , Debbie . We were in our mid - twenties and we decided to take a road trip to LA and see Disneyland , Universal Studios , the Hollywood Wax Museum and visit my cousin , Tony , who was going to UCLA at the time . We planned things in advance , making reservations at a couple of different hotels since we were going to be gone for a week and were traveling to different parts of town . We used her car and started the trip . We took turns driving and as we got closer to LA it was my turn . First adventure , I got a ticket for speeding ( or riding too long in the fast lane , which I didn 't know was a bad thing , or something silly like that ) . We made it to Disneyland . Two wild and crazy girls . Star Trek Then came Universal Studios . The big attraction was Jaws and I remember sitting on the water side of the tour trolley . I got a good scare when the shark came jumping out of the water at me ! I 'm pretty sure we went to Knott 's Berry Farm as well but I don 't have any pictures from there . Same thing with Hollywood and Vine and Grauman 's Chinese Theater . I know we saw the stars on the Walk of Fame but for some reason I have no pictures . Kinda bummed about that . I think it was about this time that we changed hotels . We had reservations at a hotel but got it into our heads that we might be able to save some money by picking a different one . Not knowing the area very well , we found a hotel that was cheaper than the one we had our reservations at and decided to give it a try . Adventure # 2 - We used a Traveler 's Check to pay for the room and when they gave us the key and we went in , it was such a sleazy place ! I think it might have been one of " those " hotels ! At any rate , we immediately decided we didn 't want the room and asked for our money back . We went to the hotel where we had made our original reservations and were definitely glad we did . We had to make a slight detour in our plans to go to the bank to try and get the money back for our Traveler 's check , which fortunately we were able to do . Last stop was to see my cousin , Tony . He was either a freshman or sophomore I think and was sharing an apartment with a couple of other guys . It was nice to see him and we went out to a restaurant down the street for dinner . We made the trip home without any more tickets . I 'm sorry I didn 't get more pictures but at least I have the Cherished Memory ! Cherished Memory # 20 - - Another road trip , some years earlier than the one to Disneyland above . This one was a trip to Carmel with my girlfriend from high school , Margie . It must have been about 1974 . Unfortunately , I have NO pictures from this trip . Here 's a picture of us from our 40th high school reunion . I can remember it well , though . We stayed at this really neat hotel that had anJanet Miles My first best friend , Elizabeth . I have mentioned that my sisters were older than I and my younger sister wasn 't born yet but when I started kindergarten the bus used to stop right at our corner to pick me up to take me to school . There was a little girl who lived across the street from us and we started going to school together . Pretty soon we became great friends and I remember going to her house to play . These were the " good old days " and I used to just walk across to her house all the time and she would come down to my house to play as well . Here we are showing off some puppets we made in kindergarten . I loved going to Elizabeth 's house . She had the coolest stuff ! She had Barbie dolls , which I didn 't have , and she had the " Mystery Date " game . I usually got Poindexter . Her family had color television before we did and I can clearly remember laying on the floor in her living room on Sunday nights watching Disney 's Wonderful World of Color . Elizabeth 's dad had been in the service and because of that he could use the club on Treasure Island . She had some of her birthday parties there and it was so exciting to go across the bridge to the party . I can remember playing hide and seek out in the trees . I was at one of her birthday parties when my mom went into labor with my little sister , so they share the same birth date . Liz 's father was a clothes buyer for a department store and that meant that he would bring home boxes of clothes . We used to take the empty boxes and put them in the garage and decorate them using crayons and scraps of paper and things and make them into our " cars . " We would spend hours there in the garage pretending to drive to far away places . I 'm pretty sure mine was a red race car , but I could be mistaken . Maybe that 's what attracted me to this car . . . As we got older , we started hanging out less and less . I went to a Catholic school and she went to the public schools so we made different friends . We went to the same high school but by then we were not as close as we once had been . After graduation we really lost touch because I moved into an apartment and we didn 't see each other again until our 20th high school reunion . How great it was to see her again . Thankfully now with Facebook we are able to stay a little closer in touch . Here we are at our 40th high school reunion . Still kids , right ? One more Cherished Memory for the books . How about you ? Have a best friend from childhood ? Posted by Actually , this is exactly what her birth was like . I just wasn 't prepared ! From the moment we found out I was pregnant with her , she has been one special individual . You see , I was 42 years old and we already had a boy and a girl and were not really planning on another child at that point ( although my ideal family is four children , two girls and two boys so that each child knows what it is like to have a brother and a sister - but I digress ) . At any rate , I absolutely loved being pregnant and this time , since we already had a girl and a boy , we wanted to know what the sex was going to be so that we could plan better . I had to have special tests because I was an " older " pregnant woman and once I had the ultrasound and amniocentesis to make sure everything was going to be okay and we knew it was going to be another girl , we relaxed . Well , sort of . Since we were expanding the family , the house we were renting was only a 2 bedroom one so when I was 8 months pregnant , we packed up and moved . Also , it was discovered on one of my exams that I had gestational diabetes again ( I had had it with our son , too ) . At least we already had the name picked out , Rachel Lauren . She was to be born in late November and I was holding my breath , hoping that she would wait until the new maternity ward was finished in our local hospital . I was still working at the doctor 's office where I was an office manager and I was also president of the PTA at school and we were due to have our meeting for the month when , at 5 PM on November 19 , my water broke , at least a week earlier than scheduled ! That was a new experience for me since the other two kids had been late and my water had never broken spontaneously with either of them . Fortunately , I was right across the street from the hospital so I called the vice president of the PTA and told her that she would have to run the meeting , called my mom to ask her to take care of the older kids and drove myself across the street to the hospital ! I called my husband and told him what was going on . He wasWhat a cutie she was with lots of black hair ! Maybe that 's why I had had heartburn during pregnancy . Unfortunately , she was born too early to be in the new maternity ward and they were in the process of packing up the maternity ward at the old hospital . There were labels on drawers and things were in a bit of disarray . It didn 't matter . She was perfect and such a wonderful addition to our family ! It is hard to believe that this girl is now 20 years old ! She has turned out to be such a terrific young lady and definitely continues to have a mind of her own ! We are truly blessed ! I am sorry I didn 't make this post on her birthday for her , but she has to know she is definitely one of my most cherished memories ! Posted by That time the WHOLE family went to Disneyland and Knotts Berry Farm . By whole family I mean my mom and dad and sisters and their husbands and their kids . There were 12 of us total . We called ourselves a convention . I 'm really sad because as I was going through my old photos to get some copies for this blog I realized that the envelope I had the pictures in got wet and so some of them are damaged . In addition , they aren 't very good ones to begin with . My dad took them and since this was about 41 or 42 years ago , the cameras weren 't that great . I guess that is even more reason to include it here so I can preserve it . Here we are all piling our suitcases in to the cars to drive to the airport . In those days it didn 't cost as much to park overnight . We were definitely making an adventure out of this trip . It was the first overnight trip we had all gone on together . My other sister , waving ( or hiding her face because we were taking too many pictures ) as we visited from hotel room to hotel room . First stop of course was Disneyland . All the grandkids got to stand with Mickey . I think I have a picture with my dad in there also but I couldn 't find it right now . He was just a big kid too . Then we went to Knotts Berry Farm . A couple of Indians and an old time miner were on hand . It was worth it . They have great chicken and even better boysenberry pie ! We all had a great time , but it was the last time we all went away together . My dad , oldest sister and brother - in - law have passed away and the grandkids are all grown with families of their own , but I think this is one cherished memory we all share ! Yes , I know , I 'm behind but I 'm having to dig a little deeper into the vault for these memories so it is taking me some time to get pictures and gather my thoughts . I promised my daughter , Amanda , I wouldn 't " flake " on this since she enjoys reading about the old times so I will do all 30 eventually . For now . . . # 15 - That time I thought I was going to be a newspaper reporter . . . But , what makes this all the more a cherished memory is the fact that last month I got an email from an old neighbor of ours who was cleaning out some boxes his mother had kept and he came across a copy of this " newspaper " that I must have given her at that time since their family was mentioned in some of the articles ( he had attended the birthday party for my sister and his brother had gotten a new car , which I described ) . This is from 1971 mind you ! ! ! That means she kept this for 45 years ! I could understand my sister perhaps keeping it ( she has ) and I kept it ( pictures prove that ) , but for our neighbor to keep something like this was really amazing to me . Made me cry . I told him he could get rid of it now if he wanted and he said he was going to keep it ! Made me cry again . So , have a laugh and read the San Bruno Gazette from 1971 . I was 16 at the time and did my best to recap the events of the neighborhood . |
We 'll be celebrating at least five fabulous things , and there will be some very special moms in attendance . Bring things to read if you feel like it ! We 'll also be grilling stuff and will have some copies of ROADMEAL : The Lost Issue , mega mugs , and fuck brunch tshirts for sale . We hope you can come hang out ! Breakfast for Dinner Reading Series What is B4D , you ask ? Breakfast for Dinner is a cozy and laidback gathering where everyone is encouraged to share a good story ( or poem , essay , song , etc . ) , written or otherwise . You speak , we 'll listen . And snack . And imbibe ! It is usually held toward the end of the month at one of the co - headitors ' houses in Oakland . The next reading will be May 29th at Claire 's house . RSVP on facebook here . You can also email us at oatmeal [ dot ] magazine [ at ] gmail [ dot ] com for updates . It was Halloween night and I was in my bedroom trying to fix one of my model airplanes , a Japanese fighter jet , the Ki - 15 bomber plane , the same one the kamikazes used in WWII , that my brother Pete had broken earlier that week when he stepped on it . We had been in an argument about something , I don 't remember what , and Pete knocked the fighter jet off the ceiling and stomped on it - twice . He called me a pussy , a No - No Boy , then told me to go cry about it . I did . When I told on him , my mom promised me that he didn 't do it on purpose and that we would fix it later . But now it was Halloween night , a week later , and it still wasn 't fixed . It was late now and I was supposed to be in bed , asleep . I had stuffed towels underneath the door so my mom wouldn 't see the light coming from my room . I tried to superglue the fighter jet back together , but the parts were completely destroyed and the glue wouldn 't take . After awhile , I gave up . Sometimes , my mom used to tell me , things are so far beyond fixing that it 's best just to throw them away . There were no more trick - or - treaters out ; they had all gone home . I had always thought Halloween was stupid and childish , even at the age of ten . My mom hated it , too . During the festivities , she always kept the lights off in the living room , never answered the door , never passed out candy . We must 've been the only family on the cul - de - sac that didn 't decorate our house and I think that some of the neighbors got to wondering . In the kitchen , I could hear my mom moving around , cleaning and washing the dishes , waiting for my brother to get home . It was almost midnight and he was still out there with all his friends , driving around and drinking , going to parties . He was at an age now when all he wanted was to hang out with his friends , and my mom and I rarely ever saw him . We weren 't that close anymore . Sometimes I wished he would just die . I was nearly asleep at my desk when I heard the phone ring . I had started to doze off in the middle of shading the wingtips of my model P - 40 Warhawk . The paintbrush was still in my hand , the paint dried and crusted . The phone rang three times before I heard my mom pick it up . I looked over at the clock on my nightstand ; it was almost two in the morning . I wondered who would be calling this late at night and I thought that perhaps it was my dad , whom I hadn 't seen in a very long time . The last time was two years ago when Pete and I went and stayed with him at his cabin up in Tahoe for the summer after Pete was caught breaking into a liquor store with some of his friends . That was the summer our dad had us splitting firewood all day and pulling weeds in the driveway and me and Pete got really bad sunburns and I hoped now that I wouldn 't have to see my dad for a very long time . From my bedroom I heard my mom hang up the phone in the kitchen and the house went silent . I turned off the light in my room and got into bed and pretended to be asleep . Soon I heard footsteps down the hallway . My mom opened the door and came into my room and I pulled the covers over my head . She turned the lights on and I sat up in bed and rubbed my eyes . I was a pretty good faker . On our way to the hospital it started to rain , not hard but drearily . It had been threatening to all week . I sat in the front seat of my mom 's car as she drove . Usually she didn 't let me sit in the front seat because of the airbag , but now , I think , she was too distracted to even care . I had no clue what was going on and it made me scared , but I was also a little excited , too , to be up this late , to be sitting in the front seat , watching the headlights cut through the dark and the windshield wipers going back and forth , back and forth . We got to the hospital and my mom parked the car in a spot far away from the front entrance , though the parking lot was almost empty . For five or six minutes , she sat and stared across the street at the Laundromat with all its lights turned off . The steering wheel was still clutched in her fists . But she didn 't say anything and continued to stare out the window . There was an American flag suspended above the parking lot , flapping in the wind , and the palm trees were swaying like dancers . I don 't know why , but I had brought along one of my model airplanes , the broken one , and I cradled the broken parts in my lap . Without turning her head , she said to me , " Your brother 's been in a car accident . " When we were younger , he used to pick on me , used to make fun of my model airplanes , said they were for pussies and faggots . We got into fights all the time , over everything - the TV remote , a bottle of ketchup , whatever - and by the time our mom got home from work , she 'd usually be too tired to even care . And whenever I tried to tag along with him and his friends , he would punch me in the stomach and call me a pussy or a faggot , and if I was stupid enough , I 'd talk back , and he 'd give me an Indian burn and push me on the ground so I 'd scrape my knees . I 'd run home and cry so hard I 'd throw up all over the carpet in our living room , wishing to God he would just die . But , because he was my big brother , I figured this could never happen . In my mind , my brother Pete was impervious to pain and danger . I sat in the waiting room while my mom spoke with one of the nurses , her arms frantically waving in the air . I couldn 't hear what they were saying , but I could tell my mother was upset . The nurse held a clipboard in her hands and every now and then she nodded her head . The waiting room was a world beyond laughter , beyond forgiveness , beyond pain and suffering . The sick coughed into their fists and no one made eye contact ; every voice in here was a scream . A baby was wailing in its mother 's arms . The woman rocked it back and forth and tried to calm it down , saying , " There there there there there . " Sitting in the seat across from me there was a man hunched over , with his hands grasping his stomach , as if he were trying to keep his guts from falling out . He looked homeless . He groaned . " Oh , God , " he said . " Oh , God . " I held the broken pieces of my model plane close to my chest , as if he were about to jump at me and steal it . My mom came back after awhile and sat down next to me . She didn 't smile nor did she frown , but her hands were trembling . She looked down at her hands , then at the pieces of my broken fighter jet . We sat there and waited for I don 't know how long . Some of these people looked like they could 've been waiting here forever , their faces lodged among the coffee machines and soda fountains . They were sad faces , empty faces . I tried to fall asleep but I couldn 't ; I was having a hard time of it . Occasionally , a name was called off a sheet of paper and someone would stand up and follow the nurse into the ER , just as if they 'd been elected to win a prize . She was watching the second hand move around the clock on the far wall . We 'd only been here for less than an hour so far and I didn 't know how much longer we 'd have to , which made it worse , made it feel longer . I slumped down in my chair . With my thumbnail , I chipped some of the green paint off the fuselage of my broken jet fighter . Again , I tried to fall asleep . My brother hadn 't always been mean to me . There were times when he was nice to me , when he treated me like his younger brother . In the first grade , I remembered , he used to walk me home from school , and sometimes , he would even help me with my math homework . And on the weekends he used to take me fishing for stripers down at the pier . When he was thirteen years old , he caught the biggest one anyone had seen down there since 1987 . There is a picture hung up above the bar at the Windjammer of Pete and me holding it up , a record blue - gilled striper , bigger than me . I was six years old at the time . My mom had always said he was very smart , very bright , could 've been anything he wanted to , if only he put his mind to it and stopped hanging out with those friends of his . They got divorced just after my seventh birthday party , I remember , a cowboy - themed one , and my mom and Pete and me moved out of our old house on the creek and moved into a new house out here , in the flats , on the West Side . My dad wasn 't a drunk , nor was he abusive . When he was living at home with us , he worked a lot , and I think that 's why my mom hated him so much . He worked for a big construction company that built big corporate malls and airports all over the world and he was gone a lot of the time on business trips to places like China and Russia . There were times when I wouldn 't see his face for months , though I didn 't mind . When he came back from these trips , he would always bring home presents for me and Pete , souvenirs from all over the world - Merlion key chains from Singapore and small golden eggs from Moscow . One time he even brought home berets from Cuba , and the entire day , Pete and I marched around the house like revolutionaries . I must 've been four then . I 've seen the pictures . It was four in the morning when my dad arrived . He came through the front entrance and he looked around the waiting room , in a panic . I fought back the urge to wave at him . His face was dripping wet and his jacket was soaked through . The rain was really coming down now , making big puddles in the parking lot , the palm trees bent , doubled over in the wind . My dad 's eyes were viciously scanning the room , looking for me and my mother . Finally , he stopped and he seemed to be looking right at me , then he smiled . He came across the room in several long strides and my mom stood up out of her chair and they hugged each other . My dad was breathing heavily . I didn 't move . My dad sat down in the waiting room with us and we waited , together , a family . He put his arm around me and assured me that my brother was going to be fine , that he wouldn 't let anything bad happen to him . He was a charmer , my dad , or at least that 's what my mom always said . It was one of the things she hated most about him . She didn 't understand , I don 't think , how he could just abandon us like that , his family , his home , for months at a time . Later when I asked her if she still loved him , she told me that sometimes two people love each other so much that they use up all their love , all at once , instantly . They leave nothing behind . No tears . Nothing left to say . Not a drop left to give . We waited and waited and waited . We stared at the flat screen TV on the other side of the room , showing sports replays and highlights from the day before . My dad was leaning over his seat and was talking to an old lady with a bald head . " Can you believe those Giants ? " he said . " Blowing another one like that . Shit . Ramirez has to have been the worst trade in the history of the franchise . Can you believe it ? Breaks my heart every time . " My brother was in ICU . The doctors said he had a severe concussion and was suffering from shock . Also , they said , he had a broken collar bone , a broken wrist , and several broken ribs , but these weren 't really a problem . There had been vomiting earlier and his lungs had taken in some fluid , and they had pumped most of it out , they said . Now he was resting , but we still weren 't allowed to see him . He was in critical condition . All night long we sat there and watched people coming in and out of the doors - people covered in blood , people with infections , people with babies that wouldn 't stop screaming . I saw a girl , dressed up as a firefighter , being wheeled through the front entrance , on a stretcher , with blood pouring out of her nose . An old man with a cold coughed into a handkerchief . My mom was mindlessly thumbing through a Lifetime magazine , her hands still trembling . Neither my mom nor my dad said a single word to each other for a very long time . I sat in between them and watched the TV , even though I wasn 't at all interested in sports . He paused for a moment and stared across the room at the vending machines . " Now what do you say , kiddo ? You want something from the vending machines ? " My dad went to our house to pick up some things for me and my mom and he came back thirty minutes later with a duffel bag full of stuff , toothbrushes , toothpaste , a change of clothes . He said he wanted to make sure we were both as comfortable as possible . After we changed and brushed our teeth , my mom and dad and me went to the cafeteria and ate some food . " It 'll help take our minds off it , " my dad said . I ate scrambled eggs with ketchup and lasagna , that 's all there was to eat . My parents argued over who was going to pay . For the food or the hospital bill , I wasn 't sure . A priest or something was reading lines from the Bible over the intercom : " Our Lord who art in Heaven , " it went . This was a Catholic hospital . My mom and dad didn 't eat anything . They drank coffee . For a long time , they sat there and gazed down into their coffee cups as if from a tenth - floor balcony . My mom went in first and came back out ten minutes later , her face covered in tears . I had never seen her like that , in any way regarding my older brother . It had always been yelling between them , always loud and vicious arguments . Next my dad went in and he was gone for a long time . When he finally came back , he wasn 't crying , but he had this scared look on his face , like he 'd just seen a monster . I hadn 't felt bad all night , but I figured once I saw Pete , saw how badly broken he was , I would cry . I was sure of it . The doctors showed me down a windowless hallway full of cold fluorescent lights and there were children 's water color paintings of flowers that hung on the wall . Nurses ran up and down the hallway , waving pink sheets of paper in the air , their shoes squeaked on the floor . A screaming came from one of the rooms down another hallway . All I wanted then was to go back to the waiting room , to my mom and dad . But it was too late . The doctor had already opened the door to my brother 's room and let me in . The room was frightening . It looked like my brother was stuck inside a Chinese finger trap . His head was wrapped in a bandage , his right arm was in a sling and his left arm was in a cast , hooked up to several tubes and wires . He had a big purple bruise on his cheekbone and his whole face was swollen to the size of a melon . His eyes were closed . There was a machine in there that kept beeping and another one that was hissing and pumping air into my brother 's lungs . On the wall above his head was a painting of two horses galloping through a prairie . I was thinking of something I could say to him , but I had nothing to say , nothing at all . I was still very young at the time and I didn 't know how to be sad , didn 't have the temperament to stomach it . I left the broken pieces of my fighter jet at the foot of his bed before I turned around and went back to my mom and dad in the waiting room . They hadn 't moved . They were still sitting in the same place . My mom was wiping the tears from her face with a Kleenex . My brother Pete died . He was proclaimed dead at nine in the morning on Tuesday , November 1 . It was a school day . The doctor came out into the early morning crowd of the ER waiting room and spoke with my mom and dad . I had been sleeping but I was awake now . I saw them standing in a strip of sunlight coming in from the window . The doctor 's mouth was moving , but I couldn 't understand what he was saying . They didn 't know what happened : one minute he was there , the next he was gone . They thought it might 've been a stroke caused by hemorrhaging in the frontal lobe . Sometimes it happens , the doctor said . There was nothing anybody could do . The rain had stopped and my mom was crying again , but no sounds were coming out . From between her fingers I could see tiny teardrops fall and splash onto the floor . My dad held her in his arms . The doctor said he was deeply , deeply sorry , then he turned around and walked off down the hallway . I wanted to cry but I couldn 't ; I didn 't know how . I only knew it was what you were supposed to do . My brother 's funeral was held the following week at the Rolling Hills Cemetery overlooking Highway - 1 . From there , you could see the morning rush hour traffic just below , slowly moving through the center of town ; and beyond that , you could see the cement ship , half - sunken in the tide , and the pier , where Pete had taught me how to fish . A priest spoke a few words from the Bible . Neither of my parents were religious . I cried , though I don 't think I was really all that sad about it . For months my grief and sorrow were so confused , I could not accept that I was even worthy of having it . After the funeral , my dad moved back in with us and we pretended to be a family again . Things went on like normal for awhile , as if nothing had changed at all . I took the bus to school and I took it back home ; I did my homework and I watched cartoons . My dad said he wasn 't going to leave us this time , said that things were going to be different now . But this didn 't last very long , maybe a couple months was all , and by then I had stopped building my model airplanes . On Christmas Eve that same year , Mom and Dad got into a huge fight that went on for hours , right in the middle of dinner , and I went and hid in my room . Back when I was four , five and six years old , Pete and I used to go and hide underneath the covers of his bed with flashlights whenever our mom and dad got into fights like this , and we 'd stay there all night , in our little fort , and we wouldn 't come out until morning . So you 'd think that by now , I wouldn 't have been scared , but I was . My big brother was gone now and there was nobody left for me to talk to anymore , nobody to see how afraid I was , then tell me not to worry , that everything was going to be okay . I could hear them now . Their voices were slamming around the kitchen , coming through the walls like tremors . I hid in the closet with a flashlight and whispered to myself . My dad was shouting at my mom and my mom was advising my dad never to show his face around here again . That night he left . He packed up all his things and split . It was the first time since he died that I truly missed my brother . Later , around midnight , I heard my mom crying in the kitchen . I was lying in bed , awake , staring up at the bare ceiling . My model airplanes were no longer up there ; after my brother died , I had thrown most of them away . Now I was up , listening to my mother cry , waiting for her to go to bed so I could go out to the living room and watch TV . Then , I heard something break . It sounded like someone had thrown a rock through our window , and I thought it might 've been my dad . I heard the sound again . I got out of bed and went into the kitchen to see what was going on . My mom was smashing plates on the floor , one by one , throwing them down and watching them shatter . I was sure the neighbors were awake by now wondering what the hell was going on next door , though my mom didn 't seem to care anymore , at all . Next she went into the cabinet above the microwave and started knocking all the cups out . Glass broke on the floor , coffee mugs shattered into bits and pieces , tears ran down my mother 's face . She wouldn 't stop . Things kept breaking . RT @ themollieshow : putting the riso to the test . 4 color scan turned black on @ CreativeReuse brown construction paper cut down for @ oatmeal … 1 month ago OATMEAL MAGAZINE : A Literary Breakfast of Champions . We at Oatmeal Magazine are looking for your crudest doodles of coffee shop strangers , your most heart - wrenching ballads about spilt cereal , your story ideas , jokes , and whims that you drag beyond the proverbial line , frolic with , harass , and beat into their graves . We want your grit , your fervor , your wit , your flaws . Serve us your words on a platter of steaming flapjacks moist with the butter and syrup of your seething genius brains , and we will throw them back with a mug of scalding black coffee , fueled by our raw desire and keen editorial eyes . |
I watched imported fruit be unloaded from the plane by men , almost falling over by the weight , while I waited to board my plane . The fruit was a mix of oranges , apples , tomatoes , and grapes , all things I enjoy . I was at the Los Angeles International Airport , awaiting my fate . " Piper ! " I yelled , whipping my head around as I tried to find her amidst all the people . I saw her arms flapping wildly next to a potted plant , and I immediately came rushing over and hugged her tight . I beamed and hugged her again . People kept coming , cheering me on . The few people I showed my dresses to had the same reaction as Piper , lots of gasping and complementing . My Aunt Heather even fainted from the shock ! When I was on , I started to get nervous . I don 't know why , but I was worried about leaving my home and my friends . When I looked out my window at all of them standing there , my worries disappeared . They wanted me to succeed ; they wanted me to take the journey to New York , and to get a job . Knowing this made me happy , washing away any other thoughts I had . All too soon , the plane started into the sky , leaving my childhood behind . I kept my mind picture of my supporters waving at me from outside the plane , and comported myself with confidence . That one thought , that one picture , I would keep during this trip , and any challenges I might face would become possible to overcome - all because of a bit of hope , love , and an imagination . I stumble over the cracks in the sidewalk , pulling up my collar and adjusting my gloves . I grit my teeth as I stomp through the cold late - November air . I hear something crunch under my left Ugg boot . I pick up my foot and see a crushed pink piece of paper . I pick it up and read it . I smile . I love to cook . I am twelve . I have always wanted to be on TV . There is just one problem ; how am I going to get to California ? When I arrive to the front door , I am a bubble of excitement . I burst through the door and practically vomit words from my mouth . " Ireallywanttobeinthiscookoff , " I pant , hands on my knees . " I saw the registration thing online , " she replies , " I was going to ask you if you wanted to go before I registered you , but then I thought you were going to say yes anyway . " She pauses . " We live in New York , and the competition is in San Francisco , so I hope you know we will have to take a plane . I hope you 're okay , Lilly . " I am fine . She continues , " We will leave for the airport tomorrow , so go pack , Lilly - bug . " I scamper up to my room , my head spinning with thoughts about the cook off . Having arrived in San Francisco , my mom and I walk into Ghirardelli Square , and my stomach flutters . I shift my meatloaf dish from on arm to another . My mom obviously sees how nervous I am , and tousles my blonde ponytail . She walks away into the crowded square . I look to my left and see a girl with dark brown curly pigtails . She sits behind a big plate of blue frosted cupcakes . She has pursed lips and a worried expression . A reporter walks up and introduces herself as Lila Wu . " Em - Emily Terem . " I realize that the Emily has a British accent . Wow , if she came all the way here from the United Kingdom , she 's crazy . The reporter finishes her interview , and by then the judges have come to try our food . A man walks up to my booth holding a clipboard . " Um , a homemade meatloaf , sir , " I respond shyly . The judge takes a plastic fork out of his pocket and scoops a considerable chunk out of my meatloaf . He chews , swallows , and then he jots something down on his clipboard . " The three finalists are , " says the woman , announcing the winners , " Emily Terem . " I was surprised . No offense to Emily , but her cupcakes looked a little stale . " Roberto Robertson . " I hold my breath . " And … Lillian Richardson ! " I admit , I squeal . My mom squeezes my hand and congratulates me . I am as happy as an astronaut after returning from a successful mission . Thirty minutes later , I am ushered onto the stage . We have had time to think about our meal and then we are instructed to report back to the center of Ghirardelli Square . I have to wait behind a counter as one of the judges talks about how big of an opportunity this is and how important it is to our future as chefs . The stress that is put on me makes me feel like I am in the show , Master Chef Junior . The judge says that this will someday be part of the winner 's life portfolio . I start to sweat despite the cool brisk wind . " … I hope you will support these young chefs , and without further ado , let the cook off begin ! " the announcer screams into the microphone . An alarm sounds , and I look at a large stopwatch hanging above the stage . It is counting down from one hour . The time shows fifty - eight minutes left . I have already wasted two minutes ! In the prep time , my mom and I had decided that I would bake my signature chocolate - coffee flavored layer cake . I get to work , mixing this , adding a pinch of that . Before I know it , I am pulling the golden brown cake out of the oven . However , before the cake had finished , while I am still waiting for the cake to bake , I make my delicious homemade vanilla frosting . Now , what color to dye it ? I glance out at the bay ; the dark blueish - gray water strikes me as one of the most beautiful colors I have ever seen . I stare at the clock . Fifteen minutes left . Okay , I have time . I start with blue and add black and some green , mixing almost all the food dye colors that are available to me . With five minutes left , I start to frost the cake . I am in my own little world frosting here and there . When the buzzer sounds , signaling we are out of time , I realize how beautiful the frosting is . There are blue swirls and the cake looks just like the bay . I look around me and see that Roberto had made some type of a casserole , and Emily has used the grill to make sautéed pork and veggies . The judges travel from one kid to another , and I notice that a crowd has flocked to the front of the stage to see the winners . Of course , my mom is up front and waving . The judge comes to me and takes a fork and stabs my beautiful cake . She takes a bite and smiles . There are three judges and they all take turns taking a bite of each kid 's dish . They huddle together for a couple minutes , and then one of them breaks out of the huddle and steps up to the microphone . " In second place , " he says , " is Roberto Robertson . " People cheer and whistle , and Roberto bows to the audience . The judge continues , " And our first place kid , winner of the one million dollars is … " I cross my fingers and silently pray . " Lillian Richardson ! " I can 't believe I have won . " Nolan , can you support me and help me find my scooter ? " Caden shouted across the street . " It has gone missing , and it 's extremely important to me . If my dad figures out it 's lost , he 'll kill me . " " Chill , chill , I 'll help you find it , " Nolan responded , and he walked across the street and looked down as he continued to play on his phone . " Okay , when was the last time you had it ? " Nolan questioned . " Oh no , oh noooo ! I left it downtown ; that 's is when I had it last . We will need someone to transport us there ! " Caden shrieked . " The brand of this car actually isn 't American . They had to export it all the way from Australia ! I 've even had a reporter come up to me and ask to interview me about the car , isn 't that crazy . " There was no possible way they were going to pick a fight with that kid over the scooter . Oh , noooo way . So Caden , after all , was never going to get his scooter back as long as that kid was riding it . I know , I know . This might sound crazy , but it is important . I need your help ! My teacher is a monster , no joke . I reported this to my mom , but she did not believe me . I need support or else I will be forced to export myself into a different classroom . Today , I had to do a math test . See ? She 's one mean monster . I must find an opportunity to get out of this classroom ! Maybe at lunchtime I can sneak out and run home . Yeah , yeah ! I thought . I should do that . In fact , our teacher has this crazy idea of living in a portable tent inside the classroom - probably so she has more time to make tests ! I have seen all the math tests she is making . How monstrous is she ? It is like she has a whole portfolio of tests . She does not reply , so I keep working . Finally , it is dismissal time , and I go to wait for my transportation to arrive . By that I mean that I wait for my parents to pick me up from school . I 'm a reporter . Yes , I report things . I 'm doing a big , important , story for the local newspaper . I have left our building to go interview a school 's principal and the sixth grade teachers . Then I will interview random people . This is a tough job , but I am lucky . I get a lot of support from my family and friends . Before I go to the school , I have to pick up my boss from the airport and bring him to his car , so he can watch me do my first interview . My transportation : the business / company car . This is the biggest opportunity for my career . I 've never interviewed anyone before . I retrieve my boss from the airport and transport us to the school to begin the assignment . The interview is going okay , I guess . I 'm interviewing Mr . Williamson , the principal , and he remembers me from when I was a student at the school . I have to write down everything he says , word for word . It is a challenge , but I have to suck it up because , like I said , this is very important . While answering my questions , Mr . Williamson , of course , makes some jokes . Then the interview is finished . As I clean up and prepare to interview the sixth grade teachers , I put all of my work in my portfolio , and I pull out my portable device . When the sixth grade teachers walk in , I instantly remember them . The first teacher : Colorful , Cowboy boots , and Coffee . That 's Ms . M . Artistic style , and is laughing at something Ms . M said . That 's Ms . H . I wonder if they remember me . I introduce myself . They don 't seem to know me . Ms . M whispers something to Ms . H . I hear something about one of their old students , and Ms . H . laughs and says , " Is that really her ? " Ms . M . whispers something , and Ms . H . smiles . Now , I think they remember me . Yep , they remember me . Then we continue with the interview . One day at the airport , there was a reporter standing on the sidewalk near the entrance . I knew this was my only opportunity for me to get on T . V . I dressed up like the man from the news - I threw on some slacks and a nice shirt and then grabbed a portfolio that was on the ground . I talked like everything I had to say was super important so it would be more believable . I jumped up there with the reporter and shared about the importance of family - friendly transportation like bullet trains and triple - decker buses . When we were done , I asked the reporter if she had heard the report going around that I was not really the guy from the news . She looked at me like I was crazy and threatened to call the police and have them deport me . I told her I was just trying to support my family and I was so sorry . I begged her to please not call the police . She was still mad , but she didn 't call law enforcement . I learned my lesson - not to impersonate other people . The importance of grammar is that it teaches you about spelling , punctuation , and vague word choices . You can learn about intensive pronouns , vague pronouns , and any corrections you can make . I have a portable packet of grammar tools to support my answers and corrections . For example , over the weekend , I worked on my report at the busy Oakland airport . It was hard to focus , though . The weather reporter wouldn 't stop blaring over the loud speaker . The export for the cargo plane was canceled , and that incident made me write down a totally bizarre answer on my rough draft . For my report display , I imported some poster board I purchased on the Internet . I thought the display was fancy with its Hello Kitty patterned background . The transportation of the board took so long that it left me only two days to put my project together . That was a great excuse for sloppy work , though ! Finally , it was the day that the long - term project was due ! Sadly , everybody 's poster was more thorough and neater than mine was . I guess the import delay wasn 't a great excuse after all . Bryce Anderson , the richest person at our school , had a porter carrying his poster for him . He felt too important so as usual , he also brought his goons with him . One cloudy Saturday morning , my family had on the news . The news reporter says that there is an event being held downtown for only 6th , 7th , and 8th graders . My best friend Kylee and I ask if we could go , but my parents start going on and on about the rules . They something here like , " This is a big opportunity for you girls to be mature and go alone . It is a good chance for you to learn the importance of being responsible without an adult . " Then they say something there like " You guys have to figure out transportation , and get money to buy a lunch . " Kylee suggested that we have our parents take us to the airport and then we can have a private jet fly us there . I note that I have a much better idea : " I ask my parents if they can drive us and Kylee asks her parents if they can lend us some money for lunch . " It 's settled ! Before we leave , our parents keep talking to us about things like " If anything bad happens , just call home and report , and we will come pick you up . " Their last words before we got in the car were " Hopefully , people will support your event ! " When we arrive , the first thing we have to do is look through a portfolio about what we will be doing . Then we had to transport boxes from the truck to the people waiting in line . We worked really hard and just as it is over something happens and all we know is we heard someone yell . A big dog is attacking a girl , and she is really getting hurt . We run over to try and get the dog away but that just gets us hurt , too . We fall down and get blacked out , when we wake up we are at home with our parents taking care of us . They told us how if we had listened to them , none of this would have happened . We totally should have listened to them . I learned that it is very important to rules told to you by adults in your life because they tell you that for a reason . They only do it to protect me , and I am thankful for them to be there for me . " Attention , everybody ! " yelled Mr . Davenson as he came running into the office part of our newsroom . " I have very important news ! There is a huge storm coming up in Hawaii in about a week . I want a team out there ASAP . There will be a gazillion teams out there , and I want my team there first . " Everybody looked up , and three of the teams raced up to him . He finally chose a team , yelling , " Maddie , get ready ; your team has a 9 : 00 a . m . flight to Hawaii tomorrow ! " My team - Jackson , Jasmine , Riley , and me - stared at Mr . Davenson in awe and were sent home immediately to start packing . Once on the plane , the ride was very bumpy , and it rained most of the time . Jackson said he had to go to the bathroom about thirty minutes before landing and said he couldn 't hold it even though he was a grown man , so he finally went . When he returned to his seat , he had a look of disgust on his face . He said , " The toilets are like the portable ones you would usually use at the fair or the pumpkin patch ! They were gross . " We finally arrived to Hawaii , and it was pouring rain . Even thought the storm wasn 't supposed to hit for a week , it was still a little stormy out . Jasmine immediately started to take notes and draw pictures in her portfolio . The days passed , and the day of the storm came . We were the first reporters on the scene . We almost literally had to hold onto something to keep from blowing away because of how windy it was . The rain was coming down nearly as hard as pebbles . We struggled to get out our equipment in the storm , and finally managed , starting to broadcast our weather report , as did several other reporting teams . We all had a look of curiosity on our faces when a palm tree fell over not too far away from us . Luckily , Riley wasn 't being lazy as usual and caught it on camera . I thought of the little kids who lived here and who were probably nestled in their beds hiding . When we returned home , we were so tired . A week later , Mr . Davenson stopped in the middle of the office to make another announcement , this one about a storm in Alaska . We were not happy when he looked towards us and gave us his evil grin . He called out , " Maddie , your team gets the job . " Why does the airport always have to be this crowded ? She flipped her hair as she smiled at her fans as if they were important . Trixie had enough to worry about without all these people and reporters . All this celebrity business was getting out of hand . " Yes ! It 's a huge opportunity for me . Tay is such a great singer , and a great person ! I 've been getting a lot of support from her lately , " Trixie gushed . That 's what her manager had told her to say . " Bob ! Are you getting this ? " the reporter yelled at the camera man . Trixie heard her flight was boarding and she ran to the entrance . She wanted to be there first for a window seat . When you 're in the middle , an airplane is the worst transportation imaginable . Trixie put her portable suitcase above her seat ; the porter had taken her other luggage already . She sat down and heard the hum of the engine and the movement of the wheels as they rolled down the runway . One foggy day , I was on the city transportation , the bus . I saw a bunny rabbit driving , and I mean a real bunny rabbit . I knew that this was not going to be a normal day . But this was the only opportunity to get to the airport . That is because I don 't have a car , and the airport is five miles away . Right when the bus made it to my stop , I saw a news reporter rush up the silver bus steps . She started asking the bunny rabbit questions . She had so many questions that they were flowing fifty - five miles per hour . I finally stepped off the bus , and I heard a whisper . It was the bunny rabbit , " Be careful , " he said , which I didn 't think was very important that he said this . When I made it inside , they asked me for my portfolio , and I don 't understand why . When I saw the plane , I thought that it would fall apart in mid - flight . I thought that because it wasn 't well supported . I had come all this way to Alaska for my new job as a crewman . For this job , I imported fish and whatnot , like fruit and vegetables . It was a good job until I got fired for no reason . So I went on and lived my amazing life , as a millionaire . I was so excited because I had the opportunity to go to Hawaii with my family ! We finished packing our bags ; then a shuttle came to transport us to the airport . When we got there , we checked our bags and got our flight information . It was important that we got to the right gate so we would not miss our flight . Once I boarded the plane , I got out my portable video game . I was in awe when they stopped the plane from taking off , and the security guards ran in and arrested some guy who was trying to export illegal explosives . The pilot requested support from the control tower , and then we got going again . The plane got up in the air , and soon I could not see the ground . Five hours later , our plane landed in Hawaii and we went to our hotel . There was a porter at the hotel entrance who helped us transition into our hotel and unpack our bags . During the trip , I had to complete my independent study by making an art portfolio and writing a report . I got it all done and had an amazing trip . I went snorkeling , saw a fire show , and held a bunch of parrots simultaneously . It was a very memorable trip , and I will never forget it . I whisk away at my portable computer . I think in my head for something to write . I take in a deep breath , and the sweet sensation of a triple caramel frappuccino hits my nose like a waterfall of delicious . I see someone clumsily transport a hot beverage . He slides from place to place as if he is roller skating . I see the coffee slip from his hand and onto my crisp , white pants . The liquid sears my skin like fire . My skin feels as if it has been charcoaled , ready for a barbeque . I rush to the bathroom , pushing people aside as if they weigh nothing . I thrust open the door and rub my pants , trying to get rid of the stain . I walk out of the bathroom as if nothing has happened , sipping my frappuccino . I look over at my table , and my cup flies out of my hands . My computer has disappeared . My eyes dart through the coffee shop . That computer is of great importance . It has my book that I had been previously working on . I see someone exiting the door with a shiny corner pointing out of his jacket - my laptop . What would I do for that laptop ? That I do not know . I hurry out the door , seeing the man jumping over a brick wall like Spiderman . I pull my weight over the wall and speed down the corner . I see a glance of silver turning the corner , and I rush for it . I pull the person over , and it is an old lady . " Hands to yourself , sonny ! " she exclaims as she beats me with her cane . I run away , pulling out my phone and use a tracking device that I installed on my computer . I rush in the other direction , hoping that I will be able to cut off the thief . I dial my friend 's number . I am dialing Riley ; he 's a cop and maybe he can help me . " Riley , someone has stolen my laptop ; come quickly ! " I gasp . Minutes later , he shows up in his shiny car . We dart off as I look for the man . I see him and we pull around . Riley takes out his Taser . Riley runs in the front of the thief , and points the Taser at him as I creep around the back . " Hands in the air ! " Riley yells . The man runs toward Riley , sliding like a base runner . Riley pulls the Taser 's trigger and zaps me , sending me back . My body shakes around , withering in pain . I finally collapse . I awake in Riley 's cop car zooming down the street . We have a golden opportunity because the thief is walking now , not realizing we are right on his tail . I walk out of the car , picking up speed every step , and I lunge at him . I grasp onto his shoulder , but he shakes my hand off and runs to the airport , which is nearby . I bring myself back up to my feet and bolt in his direction . I reach the airport and immediately see him take off and he run up an escalator - the down escalator . I bolt up it , too , my head swinging in every direction until I see him . He zooms into a women 's clothing store . I bolt in myself . I run past racks and hangers , and see that the thief is at a dead end . I see someone transporting a box , and he knocks into me . I look up and the thief has disappeared . Riley is now at the airport , too , supporting me by picking me up in his car . We are driving toward the man . We are all nearing a bridge where I see a reporter telling about how cold the water below is . The man is there , staring into the water . I see a truck importing corn and another exporting corn . I don 't stop . I leap from the car , charging the man , making a hard blow to his face . He stumbles back , dropping my precious laptop . I sink to my knees in despair . " I drove by in a boat and caught it , " he explains . I didn 't answer ; I was in total awe of Riley 's talents . I guess I should have backed everything up on a flash drive . " Mom , all my stuff is packed . Are you ready to go to Rhode Island , yet ? " I asked my mom , sounding like I had just woke up at 6 : 30 , which I did , unfortunately . Multiple hours later , I was getting my horse , Knight Cap , ready and all tacked up to go . My mom , Angie , wished me good luck and I mounted Knight Cap and rode to the starting line . At this point , Greg , my reporter was writing in his report about how nervous and shaky I was . Knight Cap was off to a great start , but then suddenly his hoof got stuck in a freshly dug gopher hole . I went flying about seven feet ahead of Knight Cap , and I heard the crunching of my wrist being stepped on by a horse . I noticed I had a colossal gash were my wrist bent , and it was gushing blood like a waterfall gushes water . I knew I couldn 't scream or cry because it would only make things worse and might make my wrist gush blood faster , so I stayed as calm as I could . My mom and I both started to cry and said in unison , " Why ? Why ? " Then we finally agreed that the importance of this prognosis was that I would heal and I would get to ride again , so my mom told Dr . Sam that we would get the operation . Luckily , when it was time to travel home , my medical machinery was portable , so that I could bring it with me on the long trip back to California . I had to have machinery because if my arm started to bleed like crazy , I needed some stuff to stop it . When my mom and I got home , we had to export some of the most expensive machinery back to Rhode Island . I had just arrived at the airport in Vyyn , an enormous jungle full of waterfalls and exotic birds , two days earlier . I imported illegal birds for a living , but I was so cunning I had never been caught . As I walked into my hotel , a well - dressed porter took my bags . The transportation to the hotel was ghastly , but with the comfort and support of my millions of dollars , I got through it . I was in Vyyn to meet a very important client who was looking to buy illegal Scarlet Macaws for a boatload of money . Of course , I was already rich , but after that buy , I was going to be rich enough to buy another gigantic mansion . The importance of this buy was tremendous . The opportunity was a once - in - a - lifetime offer , so I jumped on it , not bothering to cover my tracks from the FBI . That was my fatal flaw . I had to transport the macaws quickly or else the buyer would find someone else . As it turned out , the buyer was actually an undercover FBI agent , but I didn 't know that at the time . Before I was caught , my wealth and fame in the criminal world had been admired by many young , budding criminals . When I was cuffed on the day of the drop , the last thing I heard before I was locked up was a reporter saying , " Chester , one of the biggest illegal importers , has been caught . We are all sitting on the edge of our chairs , waiting to see what his sentence will be . " And that was the big bang . As my buckskin horse , Bold Ruler , and I sped around the first wobbly barrel , we were in close proximity to it . My heart was racing as we passed the finish line . Even though my ride was only ten seconds long , it felt as though it had been ten hours long . A nosy reporter pushed and shoved people with her petite hands just to get to me . She asked me how I felt about my ride . She asked that question and others about the competition so she could write a news report about a barrel racer . " I feel like I did an amazing job , " I replied in my high - pitched voice in answer to her first question , still nervous about what place I might take in the event . When the announcer 's voice came through the loud speakers , pandemonium broke out when he announced , " First place goes to Chloe Johnson . " This was the beginning to becoming a worldwide favorite barrel racer . I grabbed Bold Ruler , and we were off to the middle of the dirt - filled arena . The announcer brought me a microphone , and I said , " This was so important to me , and I want to thank my mom for all of the support she has given me . " Again pandemonium broke out in the arena . As we arrive at the airport a month after my big win , I prepare for the opportunity to compete in the Barrel Racing Championships . After the airplane transported my mom and me to Texas , I settled in and feel right to sleep . Of course , Bold Ruler was transported by trailer all the way from Tennessee to the blazing hot state of Texas . On the day of the event , when I heard the crowd going wild in the bleachers of the arena , I felt like someone had ripped out my heart . My stomach had butterflies in it , too . Like a supersonic rocket , Bold Ruler and I sped around the barrels like nobody 's business , Bold Ruler 's hooves beating the ground like a drum . I could hear him breathing from wear I was sitting on my worn out saddle . My ride was flawless , and our time was 9 . 8 seconds . When I think back to that day , I become very proud of myself for my accomplishments . Me fans were so supportive and even made me a portfolio of Bold Ruler and myself . Some of my fans even volunteered to be my porter , willing to carry my bags when I traveled , but I said , " No way , Jose . " Thank goodness my trophy and check award were portable because I didn 't want to wait a million years to have it sent to me . I am so proud of Bold Ruler . " Oh , my gosh ! It 's Elika Jones ! " someone from the crowd yelled . Suddenly , everyone started screaming and asking questions . I 'm a celebrity ! I should get used to this ! Elika thought " Oh ! Look ; she 's wearing a breast cancer pin ! The small pink ribbon ! " a girl cried out . Elika smiled and rushed into her limousine , with a porter putting all her luggage in the trunk . Can 't a movie star EVER get any peace ? I know everyone just wants an opportunity to meet someone famous , but it gets a little overwhelming sometimes , too ! I hope it won 't be too crowded at the airport ! I wish I could transport myself to Grammy 's house ! Air travel is my least favorite form of transportation , but at least I get some peace on the airplane ! I can 't wait to get to Grammy 's house ! Elika thought . " Please turn off your phones and buckle your seat belts . We will depart in a few seconds . " a voice announced . Elika opened her art portfolio . This portfolio was very important to her since the portfolio held every single picture she had made since kindergarten . Elika never went anywhere without it . She had decided to give it to her kind and loving grandmother . She knew this would not help her grandma , but she would be happy seeing all the pictures Elika had made . Elika knew very well that this might be her last time meeting her grandmother . Unfortunately , her grandmother was suffering from breast cancer . Every time Elika visited her grandma , she thought the same thing . Will I ever see Grammy again ? Before she heard the news , Elika had never thought of the importance her grandmother held in her life . She just thought that her grandma would always be there for her , but after she heard the news , it was all she could think about . What will I do when she 's not there ? What if some sort of incident happens before I can talk to her ? What if … soon her mind would be filled with questions , and she would grow incredibly tired . Elika opened her backpack , pulled out her portable music player , put on the headphones , and drifted off to sleep . BEEEEEEEEEP ! BEEEEEEEEEEP ! BEEEEEEEEEEEP ! Elika awoke to find the airplane shaking and people yelling . " Don 't worry ! " a voice yelled , but Elika didn 't hear it because just then the whole world went black . On Hallow 's Eve night when all the streets are aglow , and trick - or - treat is the only word you speak , I am watching you and your every move for my Halloween Happenings newsletter . I see the regular , boring , uncreative , unimaginative , most anticipated costumes ever . I see neighborhoods as busy as airports , packed with squirming , worming children and panicking adults . I see kids as bossy as reporters when they want a question answered , with the , " This is my world " attitude to accompany it . I see kids with adults trailing behind like private porters for their candy bags that weigh ten tons . As you can tell , I am a wonderful observer , and I take every opportunity I can to practice my super stealth skills . But the real loot , the happenings of more importance I have witnessed , are right below , for your eager eyes I 'm sure ! Where to start , where to start ? How about … costumes ? ! The funniest costume was a tomato . Now , I 'm not sure if the boy was so fat because of his costume , or if it was the fact that he had eaten too much candy , but in any case , he looked like he needed some support because he was wobbling to and fro and ended up looking like a drunken tomato ! I also saw a ninja who looked so real he might have been exported straight from Japan , except for his vibrant yellow color - good luck sneaking up on someone ! There must have been an around - the - world theme that year because I also spied a baby dressed as a Chinese take - out box labeled , Imported from China , with the mom as the delivery truck for the baby 's transportation ! That 's what I call creative ! This , I report , is what happens on Hallow 's Eve . Now , if you will excuse me , I 'd like to find a rather nice tree and watch the stars blink out . There goes one , two , three … . Splish splash ! Splish splash ! Gurgle gurgle ! Splip ! I was exploring the jungle for a news report , when I heard someone say there was an endangered Steller sea lion on the loose ! I could hear the gurgle of a waterfall nearby so that would be the first place to look . The mission was to transport the Steller sea lion to where it would be safe and to protect these creatures from extinction ! I was a reporter in training so I absolutely knew it would be of great importance to complete the assignment . After a few minutes of slashing at the loose branches and leaves covering the threshold to the waterfall , I finally reached my destination . I searched the waters for the sea lion , but could find no sign of life in the waterfall except for a few fish swimming around the bottom . When I first started flying here , I thought it would be a piece of cake looking for a huge , furry , brown body roaming the island , but after I did my research … . I thought not . The sea lion would not only be in the water , but also on land , making it even harder to meet my objective . It was going to be hard to comport myself with dignity while traveling all over the island to save an endangered species and then to write a news report about the experience . After hours or traveling the island with my portfolio filled with maps and research , there was still no sign of the Stellar sea lion . Scribble scribble scribble . I was writing down all the events that had happened so far in case something mysterious happened . Splash splash ! Whoosh ! Was there something in the ocean just ahead of me ? Arf Arf Arf ! Was that a Steller sea lion ? ! I whipped out the sea lion information in my portfolio , and there in front of me were a male and a female sea lion ! There was one smaller one and one larger one , and the larger one was definitely a male because of his size . I couldn 't miss this opportunity ! I called in for back - up to make sure other marine experts would have something portable to haul the sea lions into the jet so we could take off for our destination . In a few minutes , the back - up team was there to move the Steller sea lions into the jet and into a portable glass cage with the top open and a beach theme to it . As they were doing this , I was scratching down information for the news report onto my sheet of paper . I was writing all about the experience I had had . I jumped into the jet as we were leaving the island and provided extra support carrying the sea lions to the lab since they weighed a ton . It was now important for me to tell my boss that I had completed the task , complete with a full news report to tell about . Sara read my report when I turned it into her on Monday morning . " Good work , " she announced . " We will broadcast this onto Fox news and put it into newspapers everywhere . Congratulations , Laura . " " Ahhhh ! " I screeched as I tumbled toward the unfathomable forest . Kerplunk ! Cree … eak ! This was the sound of my ankle as it broke into two . Was this it ? Was this the conclusion of my life ? Where was I ? I thought as I wondered to myself . Then it finally occurred to me that I had stumbled upon the mysterious forest , a . k . a . , backyard . My ankle was throbbing , and it needed support . My eyes searched through the plush , uninhabited forest . I was rigid with apprehension , just like the time I took the wrong flight and was lost in the airport . However , this was much more terrifying because I just knew there were human beings involved somewhere , out there . Who knew this would happen ? I wished that I hadn 't tried to catch the frog that fell off my grandma 's deck . After all , that was how I landed here . Tears sluiced down my face as I remembered how I literally nagged my grandma to death about not letting me go down to the forest . I should have listened ! All I could hear was the wind was rushing through the bushes … rush - plickla , rush - plickla ! I jolted , and my voice quivered as I whispered , " Who 's there ? " My ankle was throbbing as I slithered toward one of the decrepit sap trees . " Shhhhhh ! She 's going to hear us , " I heard someone call out . A hidden creature eerily screeched , " Hehehehe … Shhh ! We have a visitor . " " Camille , where are you ? It is twelve , and I told you to come in for lunch . " I could hear my grandma project her voice in a melodic tone . Oh , how I wished I could skedaddle back up the deck and run to my grandma . Plish - rish - rustle ! A few seconds later a miniscule , lime green frog bobbled out . " I 'm Fiddlerog , and I 'm a reporter for my village , " the frog said in a sassy tone . I couldn 't believe what was happening . My mind was muddled ! " Come along , " the frog squealed . " Here is your transportation train . It was a diminutive train , and it felt as if I was in a whole new world . I crawled onto something that appeared to be a lily pad , and it was connected to a small frail piece of twine . Seconds later , a porter came to punch my ride ticket that Feddlerog had given to me . It felt as if I had been imported to a whole new universe . I was completely surrounded by frogs , and I knew there would not be one little opportunity to escape . I could see the world around me get a whole lot bigger . Being surrounded by so many frogs gave me the chance to think things through . I could remember on Easter when my Uncle Joel covertly sauntered to the forest and hid the one hundred dollar egg . But how ? I never really found out how he got down to the forest , or how he was exported back to my grandma 's house . He wouldn 't have jumped . Then suddenly it dawned on me that there had to be a stairway . And I would find it ! My eyes searched the forest up and down and all around . Ultimately , I found an aging wooden stairway camouflaged by all that poison oak my grandma had told me about . As I was running through the poison oak to the stairway , all those lime green frogs were chasing after me . I finally made it to the hot tub on my Grandma 's deck , and I lured the frogs into the water . When the last frog plopped into the water , I slammed the hot tub cover closed and imprisoned all the frogs . Just as I was thinking my ordeal was over , I started having an urge to scratch my legs , and I noticed a red rash spreading on my body . My grandma was right ; the joke was on me ! " Finally ! " I shouted to myself . They finally accepted me to be a reporter . This job would actually give me an opportunity to be on television . the only bad thing about the job was that I had to write a lot of reports . My first assignment was to see how California imports oil from the Middle East . On the way to that part of the world , my transportation would be an airplane . I was supposed to meet my camera crew at the airport at 7 : 00 a . m . When we arrived in the Middle East , we went to an oil rig . I was shocked by how much oil there was . Then I realized that the importance of oil was a big thing in America . In my piece , I reported on how much support we were getting from the Middle East . When I returned to America , my parents threw a welcome back party . I exited my car , and my dad came rushing through to hug me . He took my bags and carried them into the house like a porter would do . When we were eating dinner , I got a phone call from my boss . He said my next assignment was was to see how Canada exports lead to America . I couldn 't wait ! The dry , flat land glides under the city 's airport , where large fowls land from soaring in the discomforting air of the dry , flat world . Transportation is hard to find , but baboons find ways . The mothers simply are used as porters and carry their children to different estates of the towns . The opportunity to find good deals at the grocery center is slim , so all the mommies and daddies must hunt , gather , and support their young in the wild ! Some of these some times cross animals are reporters , and being reporters , they get to write all different kinds of reports about the goings - on in the city / town . Homes are important to these fuzzy natives . They build houses of rough , dead tree bark and try to find homes in splendid bushes and fallen trees . Since there are no portable water jugs , critters must go from watering hole to watering hole in search of some nice fresh drinks of water . Usually , the importance of clothes is that they slenderize because of these critters ' soft , some times feathery , and leathery pelts . This place is somewhere , so don 't deport it from your mind and say it is gibberish … . Just go to the desert . It was silent , too silent . I was at an L . A . airport undercover as a reporter spying on a man named William Waggish ! It was of importance for me to ask him certain questions such as these : Why are you in L . A . , who are you meeting with , and why ? I 've been undercover before , but I 've failed several times , so this is my last opportunity to regain my reputation as an undercover operative . Anyway , William Waggish 's transportation had arrived , so I waited near the plane , getting ready for the best or the worst ! I had heard information that Mr . Waggish had exported stuff from Africa that was then imported here . Maybe that will be my first question : What did you export from Africa to the United States . As I saw his porter walk toward the exit , I started to give extra support in my legs so I could spring at them . William Waggish in the flesh ! " Hello , son , " my dad said . There was a man named Robert Torres . Robert was a reporter for the Legate Times . He was six foot two , he had a full beard , and he had short , jet black hair . Robert lived alone , with the exception of his bull dog , Jubble , in a small two - bedroom apartment . He lived an uninteresting , repetitive life until the day when everything changed . Robert was on his way to work to give a report about the importance of goods that are imported and exported , when suddenly , a piece of paper came flying in his car window while he was driving . Screeeeech went the tires as his car came to a stop . " Oh , my God ! " yelled Robert as he examined the paper . It was a Lotto ticket with a winning number that had been announced on the radio that morning . The ticket was for a thirty million dollar jackpot ! Robert knew he had to invest the winnings . He would never have this opportunity again . Robert had a friend who was working for a small company called Microsoft . The company was just starting up , and Robert decided to invest everything into Microsoft stocks . Once invested , Robert was worried about his investment until two months later . Stocks boomed , making him richer than ever before . He didn 't need anyone 's support in order to retire . He decided to move to Hawaii and to settle down and live with Jubble . He went to the airport because it was the only transportation he could use to get there . It was the holiday season ; the smell of cranberries and spices filled your nose as you walked past a store . Every year I wished for snow , but snow I did not get . I was watching the news and the reporter announcing that it would be 50 degrees Fahrenheit . I lived in San Francisco , where it was cold and rainy , but never snowed . Every year on my Christmas list , I wanted for it to snow . This year I was going to pray and wish for snow ! There were only three days until Christmas , and my mom and I were on our way to the airport to pick up my grandparents . My grandparents were from New York , where it snowed lots , and they were coming to San Francisco to celebrate Christmas . This year we had an opportunity to go to New York , but my mom said it was a tradition to have Christmas at our house , so it was important to have it in San Francisco . My dad supported my mom 's reason , so that 's why we were still in California for the fifth time in a row . We arrived at my house , and my dad and two brothers were on the porch waiting to greet my grandparents . I ran inside , grabbing my portable computer to check the weather report . On Christmas Eve , it was supposed to be rainy and forty degrees . I jumped for joy and hoped for it to snow . Finally , it was Christmas Eve . It was rainy , but not cold . I hoped by tonight it would be cold because then it might snow . I had always wanted a " White Christmas . " In the movies , everyone has a " White Christmas . " The movie characters always run outside in their pajamas , snowflakes falling on them . It was time for to go to sleep , so my mom tucked me in bed and turned off the lights as she walked downstairs . The next morning , Christmas morning , I awoke to snow on my windowsill . I smiled in delight as I looked out the window to see our grass covered in snow . I rushed downstairs to find my parents making breakfast and my brothers and grandparents sitting at the kitchen table watching the news . The news reporter said that public transportation would not be available because of the massive quantity of snow piled on the streets . I then ran outside , my face getting chilled as I stepped outside . I next drew a picture of that amazing event , and then added it to my portfolio . My wish had come true , and I was as happy as could be ! This is so cool ! I think to myself . This is the first time I have ever been in a limo ; we are on our way to the airport to drop off my parents . I have been to the airport lots of times , but we have never had this kind of transportation . Although even with the limousine , it 's kind of hard to enjoy this experience , with my brother Dylan leaning on me the whole time saying " Stop the car . I 'm going to puke ! " He always has been prone to puking . At least , that 's what I think . When we finally arrive , my dad pulls me aside and says , " Now , Jenny , since you 're thirteen , your mom and I believe you are old enough to take care of your brother for four days while we 're gone , but we are going to have Karen check in on you . I think you know the importance of being responsible . You do know that , right ? " I nod , but I am way too busy looking at a cute purse that a girl walking by has . " Good , " he says with lots of enthusiasm . We say our good - byes , and Dylan and I get back in the limo ; as she is walking away , I see a small tear slide down my mother 's cheek . It 's only four days I think . What could go wrong ? " Come on , Chelsea , this is the perfect opportunity to show my parents that I 'm mature enough to handle this and it would be great if you would support me , " I say to my best friend , on the phone . I am nervous that something will go wrong , but I don 't want to say anything . I wait for Chelsea 's reply , while I gently stroke my light chestnut hair , when suddenly , there comes a tapping , as if someone gently rapping , rapping at my chamber door . I hang up the phone and whisper , " It 's just a visitor tapping at my chamber door , only this and nothing more . " I get up from the couch and check the peephole in the door : " Only Karen and nothing more . " " Great , " I respond in my worst fake voice ever . " I have a report due tomorrow , so I can 't talk now " I explain , running eagerly to my room . Before I leave , though , I notice Karen give Dylan a look ; he just replies , " I don 't know ; she 's a teenager . " In my room , I remember that I have school tomorrow . Who will transport me to school ? Not Karen ; she is my least favorite baby - sitter . I will probably take the bus . Just then rings the phone . " Hello ? " I ask . Hello , my name is Shelby , and I 'm a reporter for Fox News . I 'm at the San Francisco airport . I 'm here hoping to report on the importance of catching people involved in the illegal importing and exporting of drugs through public forms of transportation . I 'm looking for my opportunity to break a story about corruption within airport security because last week , this story first broke when it was discovered that porters were supporting drug trades across the Mexican and U . S . A border for a small fee . It all started on a cold winter day : January 26 , 2005 to be exact . The wind whistled as it blew past Detective Preston 's ear as he crouched down and examined an old bottle covered in a soft layer of white . He gently wrapped his fingers around the body of it before picking it up and shoving it into his leather jacket . Detective Preston soon climbed into his 2004 Dodge Ram truck that had piles of snow covering the windshield . He drove through windy roads that snaked through the hills . When he arrived home , he pulled the bottle from out of his pocket and handed it to his wife , Mrs . Preston . " Very , " he agreed as he took the bottle from between her soft hands . He slowly ran the palm of his hand over the side of the bottle , and a soft blue mist jumped out of the golden bottle . All of a sudden , a beautiful genie stood by his wife . His wife stared blankly at the genie as she sat down on the gray couch , sinking into it . The genie smiled delicately and batted her eyelashes as she put her hand out to shake . Knock ! Knock ! Knock ! The door screamed as a reporter swung open the door and held a new camera in his hand . " Sydney , baby . " He grinned slightly and … Click ! A bright light blinded Sydney , and she let out a small cry , as she covered her eyes . Sadie did the same movements as before , and they were at a wonderful airport , with a private jet parked right in front of them . The whole family gasped in surprise . " OK , now , Detective Preston , what is your wish ? The magical movements were shown again and … Bang ! A suitcase fell from the sky and landed right before Detective Preston 's feet . He reached down and grasped the case with his warm hand . " Now is your opportunity . Go move somewhere ; start a business of your own . Buy a new car for your transportation , " Sadie suggested . The daughter , Sydney , began to think … Where is the porter to carry our luggage ? Where is the coat I ordered from Paris , the imported thing I wanted oh - so - badly ? Should I export my friend Lilah 's scarf she left here before she went to Michigan ? Ugh , I wish this Sadie genie would leave … Now , five years have passed . The family has another member … . Jennabea Preston . The family owns a cherry - red mustang and also Adopt and Foster , a kennel , where Sydney is the manager . The family has bonded more thanks to Sadie . Mrs . Preston is now a reporter for the weather channel , and everyone loves her . The only thing they don 't know … is that Sadie still watched over them . She visits them in their dreams , and her bottle still is placed on the Preston 's bookshelf , on the highest shelf . Nine words are printed onto the bottle now . They read : Sadie , the one we will always love and cherish . It all started out with the craziest dream that I had ever had . I woke up in outer space ! I saw spaceships and lasers . I felt like I was in Star Wars trying to take down enemy ships with powerful lasers . " You are , " said a creepy voice behind me . " You are in a ten gig space cruiser and you are in the middle of a laser battle . " Pew , pew ! I looked behind me and saw someone in a space transport shooting lasers at a nearby ship . BAM ! The ship went down in a flaming heap , and it plunged down into darkness , never to be seen again . " We 're hit , " wept the captain . An empty hole sat right in the middle of the engine room . We plummeted down hundreds , possibly thousands , of feet , down into space , and we questioned if we would ever stop falling . Then something strange happened … we stopped falling . I looked around and got off the cruiser . I stepped on the ground ; then I floated about twelve feet high like a balloon . Beside me was my friend , Jamie . " What are you doing ? There is no gravity on this planet , " said one of the workers . " Here , you will need this , " said another one of the workers as she handed me this weird belt that she said would keep me from floating off . I told her , " Jamie and I are going to check the place out . " We got in this super cool space cruiser , and he let me drive ! This beats flying in the typical airport transportation . It was awesome ! I was going so fast my breath froze in midair , and I could not inhale . I was having so much fun I didn 't notice the bad things that were happening behind my back . There were three small , gruesome creatures with little things that looked like laser guns . They said something I didn 't understand and shot at us . The lasers zoomed by me as if the creatures weren 't even trying to aim . I chortled to myself , and their gleaming green eyes stared through me like I was transparent . Then , taking over the driving , Jamie made a sharp turn , and he lost them . He parked back at the damaged ship and told a reporter what we had seen . I was glad that we had escaped being shot , but it was a great opportunity to ride in a space cruiser . " Well , it is obviously not safe to go out there , so we will start fixing the ship , " said the captain . " We will have to export the damaged parts to the nearest planet and import new parts for the ship . " It was of great importance that the ship was fixed quickly before we got attacked again . We got a call from another ship that would help support us until our ship was repaired . The porter was responsible for the ship 's regular maintenance , so he was able to get the ship fixed once the new parts arrived . I was bored while I waited , and I started to goof off with Jamie . The captain reminded me to comport myself with dignity , so I decided to get out my writing portfolio and start writing my report , which was due on Monday . The teacher had said it could be about anything , so I decided to write about my experience that I had just had . My teacher had said it was very important that the report be based on research , and I definitely did some research on the topic of space travel . My time in space was like a dream come true . I started my report . I described the spaceship . I had been in many replica spaceships before , but none were portable like this one . I continued to write my report until the captain said it was time for me to be deported to go back home . " Hi ! I am Andrea , and I am a kid reporter for events in our supportive community . Today I have a very special report ! It 's about the transportation of an orca whale to the San Diego airport from the cold waters of Russia . You probably ask why it is so important . This report has great importance because they are about to import an estimated 8 , 000 pound orca whale to San Diego . Then they will export it back to Russia again after its special show and vet examination . For the orca whale to get to San Diego , it will need one big ticket for the porter at the sea port ! This is my first opportunity to discuss a report with you . This is the report from channel 72 . 3 , and good day , America ! " My name is Sally Smith , and I am a reporter . My job is very important . I had the opportunity to go to Washington , D . C . , to give three reports about the weather . I had to transport some of my clothes in my suitcase , so I could take them with me to the airport . All of my friends supported me and were excited for me . Once in Washington , D . C . , after I had done my first report , I went to the hotel and went swimming , which was really fun . My transportation while in Washington was this car called a Prius . It was awesome ! " Ahhhh ! ! ! " I had heard an ear - piercing yell . I dashed to where I heard the yell . When I got to the spot , I saw a woman laid out flat on her kitchen floor like a starfish on a rock . When I inspected her , I noticed a deep cut in her neck . That was when I took the opportunity to call the police . I was shocked . I had frozen up , wondering why this important person had murdered somebody . I then called my friend , Sean , to transport me to the airport , the place I had been headed when I first heard the scream . When I needed it , up till I was thirty - six years old , Sean had given me a lot of support . Now we were both forty and having fun with our lives . At the airport , I got out of the car . I was going to fly to Washington . I needed to get the murder out of my head . Flying is the quickest transportation to travel somewhere far away , so I had gotten to Washington quickly and found a hotel room . Once in my room , I turned on the T . V . news . As I reclined on the bed , one newscaster said , " This just in . A murder has been committed in Petaluma . A woman was found dead on her kitchen floor . " I turned off the T . V . and went to bed fast . The next day , I woke up and flew back to Petaluma to help solve this case . At the crime scene , I found fingerprints from the murderer on the door . I went to my house and compared the prints to prints of known criminals . I found out who the murderer was . It was a man who had just been exported from prison to the community . His name was George , and he had been in prison for robbing houses . Before being caught , George had robbed twenty - eight houses . Next I asked the police for a report . They told me that an officer had found witness . I asked the witness 's job , and the chief told me that he was a porter at an apartment building . The porter had seen George lurking near the apartments downtown . I drove to the apartments and found George . I cuffed him , and he was put in jail for the rest of his life . |
Well , it 's new to us , anyway ! After the addition of approximately 10 , 000 new Christmas toys , our living room looked like Toys R Us exploded . So , we decided to turn what was being used as an office into a playroom ! This is something that we 'd been talking about doing for a while , but never quite had the motivation to actually do , until you could barely wade through the most used room in the house . The room that is now the playroom will eventually be Bear 's big boy bedroom , but not until there is another child added to our family . The toys will most likely stay when it is his bedroom , but the television will not ! We are not completely finished getting everything arranged , but I wanted to go ahead and share a few pictures : From the doorway . Notice the big comfy futon for Momma to lounge on while Bear plays : From inside the room . The plan is to put the many , many books we have on those empty shelves ! As you can see , Bear has already been busy making a general mess of things in here . I built a big tower with his new blocks from Grandma and Grandad J . , and the first thing he did when he saw the new room all set up was go over to the tower and knock it over ! ! Which is fine , because it 's the PLAYROOM ! How exciting is it not to have to rush around and clean up toys right before someone comes over ! ? I 'm very happy that we were able to do this so quickly ! I 'm hoping to make it look a little more cheerful without spending too much money . Maybe a new cover for the futon ? ? Maybe some colorful pictures for the walls from Marshalls or TJ Maxx ? ? Our first Christmas with Bear was overshadowed by the nasty virus he came down with on Christmas Eve . It involved lots of stuff coming out of all orifices and loads and loads of laundry . Oh , it 's nice to finally know what to use the " sanitize " setting for on our new washer ! We managed to celebrate Christmas anyhow , among all the dirty diapers and clothes and I think Bear even enjoyed all his new loot . I am grateful that , if he had to get sick , that he got sick while Max was off work for a few days . I know it didn 't make for a very relaxing vacation for him , but I couldn 't have managed nearly as well without his help . The unthinkable happened the day after Christmas - - Momma got the virus , too ! I could not have gotten through it without Max ! I barely slept the night that I got sick , so I stayed in bed ( except for a couple juice / broth breaks ) yesterday until 5 pm ! Bear and I are both feeling better today , even if we 're both a little crabby and tired ! Here are some pictures from the parts of Christmas we 'd like to remember : Sick , but still happy to go for a walk in his new WAGON ! ! Momma and Daddy are so tired of watching the one DVD Bear enjoys , so we were very pleased when Bear opened this gift from Grandpa and Grammy P : While Bear was napping after opening all his gifts , Momma put together one of his favorites : a little KITCHEN SET ! He was all smiles when he woke up ! Here he is being silly with his new stacking cups : And again with a shape from the shape sorter : I hope everyone else had a Merry Christmas ! Hopefully yours was virus free ! I cannot believe my child turned 11 months old yesterday . That just completely blows me away ! I took a few pictures of him this morning . Here are the few that I think turned out the best : Devilish grin : Smile for Momma ! : Giggling . . . He 's getting so good at going to the gym day care ! Almost every day , the ladies that work in there tell me that he 's getting easier to take care of . He almost never cries for them anymore , only when I first leave . Most of the time when I come to pick him up , he 's playing with toys and is as happy as can be . Yay ! It 's about time I was able to feel good about dropping him off there ! Speaking of dropping him off , I had a dental appointment yesterday and Bear stayed with my friend Nancy and her daughter , Kaitlyn . He 's so used to Nancy , he didn 't even cry when I left . Apparently , he was good the entire time , but started to get sleepy right before I got back . Perfect ! So we went home and he had a nap . I need a filling ( eww ) , so he 's going back to Nancy 's house this afternoon . Hopefully , it 'll be a repeat of yesterday 's good behavior ! I wrote in my last post about how he loves to share his food with me . Well , he 's just discovered that our dogs like sharing even more than I do ! He spends the end of every meal time tossing food onto the floor and then laughing when the dogs run over to eat it . It 's very cute right now , but it 'll get annoying when he wastes his entire lunch ! Maybe he won 't ever do that . . . I can dream , right ? He seems to be getting more adaptable , too . The past two nights , we 've kept him up past his bedtime and he seems to be okay with that . A friend was in town and the only time she was able to hang out was in the evenings , so that 's what we did . We went out to dinner and kept him out until 9 : 00 ( his usual bedtime is between 8 and 8 : 30 ) and he was just fine . I still keep to the routine once we get home - - bath and then cuddle on the couch while we watch a Baby Einstein - - so maybe that 's what did the trick . Who knows ? ! I 'm just glad to be able to do things with friends when the occasion aPosted by Since I keep waking up so early and since I haven 't blogged in oh , FOREVER , I guess I should take advantage of the free time that I have . Bear 's been doing some new things , so I 'll update everyone with those first . First , he has been getting frustrated VERY easily lately . I try not to help him when I know he can figure things out himself , but my gosh , he expresses his frustration very LOUDLY ! We call it his " red tail hawk " noise . . . it sounds just like when a hawk on television is descending on prey . ( We have hawks around here , I just never stick around to see if they are going to attack something , so I don 't know if that noise is accurate or not . ) Anyhow , it can be something as simple as Bear wanting a certain toy out of the bin and he can 't reach it as quickly as he 'd like to something like him getting his fingers smashed . It 's hard to tell if he 's hurt or not , because the red tail hawk noise occurs for all frustrating events . I come running , thinking he 's hurt , only to find him angry because he can 't reach a particular truck . He also doesn 't seem to care if we are in public and will make this noise in restaurants , stores or at the park . We were at a birthday party a few weeks ago and he made this noise when the birthday boy was about to blow out the candles ( a normally very quiet moment ) . Everyone turned around to look at us , and it turns out that Bear just couldn 't reach his balloon ( a new favorite of his , btw ) . Something extremely important in our household is laughter - - a similar sense of humor is one of the things that attracted me to Max - - and it is so cool that Bear has figured this out . Ever since he was able to , he 's laughed along with us , even if he didn 't know what we were laughing about . Lately , though , he 's started trying to make us laugh and of course , it works ! If he 's given a bowl at mealtime , he empties it and holds it between his teeth so that most of the bowl is covering his face . While he 's doing this , he gets our attention by making a " Mmmm mmm mmm " sound . Of course , we crack up and he drops the Amanda Bear has been doing lots of neat , new stuff lately , so I figured I 'd better do a post about it all before I forget ! First of all , he has been feeding me bits of his food . If he 's eating a cracker or a Cheerio ( Yuck , by the way ! I don 't see how babies still love these after they 've tasted other stuff ! ) , he 'll offer me a bite . I know this isn 't rocket science , but it 's so cool to me that he realizes that I eat , too ! And that he wants to share with me ! I 'm hoping he doesn 't ever hit the phase where he gets mad at me for eating " his " food , but I 've seen too many toddlers doing just that , so I have to face reality . Anyhow , for now , the sharing that he wants to do with me is sweet . . . as long as the food he tries to feed me isn 't too soggyAs can be seen in on of my previous posts , he has been walking behind his little walker wagon for a little while now . Recently , he has started walking behind anything that has wheels , and FAST ! If we go to a neighbor 's house and they have toys out in the driveway , he 'll crawl up to one and start pushing it until he crashes into the yard or another kid or whatever ! He falls and doesn 't get frustrated , which is great ! He usually just picks himself back up and starts going again . He has been saying some new things , too . He says one particular word over and over again . . . " DOP ! " . I have no idea what it means and doesn 't seem to be in reference to anything specific , but there is an ice cream store here called Bops , so I have tried several times to convince Max that Bear wants to go there . That hasn 't worked out so well . In reality , he 's probably mimicking me saying " STOP " , which I say several times a day , I 'm realizing ! Maybe not , though . He may just have realized that he can make the noise and likes us to repeat it to him . He 's also been grunting lately and we have no idea why ! It almost sounds like he 's trying for # 2 ( gross , I know , but I had to describe it ! ) but he 's not . He sometimes laughs after he grunts and will copy me if I make a grunting sound . Again , I think he 's just realized that he Posted by We had a great Thanksgiving , with the house full of family . We are , however , ready to get back to normal . Bear 's sleep routine would be first on my list to get back to some sort of regularity ! If he ( all babies are like this , I think ) gets good sleep , then he is a much better kid for me throughout the day . We kept him in his own room and kept with his regular nap / sleep schedule while everyone was here , but he still got off track a little . For the past several weeks , we 've been just lying him in his crib at nap / bedtime and letting him cry a little until he falls asleep . Up until this week , I had never let him cry longer than twenty minutes , figuring if he cried that long then he wasn 't very tired . While we had visitors , though , he acted as if he were afraid he was missing something . He cried and cried and cried ! I rocked him nearly to sleep a few times and then tried laying him down again , which worked pretty well . The last of our company left on Sunday morning , but I still had to rock him last night . I 'm sure he 'll get back on track , but I 'm missing his routine more than he is , I think ! We put up our Christmas tree on Sunday night , and Bear is in LOVE with it . A couple of years ago , we bought an artificial tree that is prelit with colored lights , thinking that our future children would love it . I am happy to say that we definitely made the right investment ! Whenever we go into the dining room ( where the tree is ) , Bear talks to the tree by saying something that sounds like " Hey ! " over and over again and reaches out his hand to touch it . He does this whether the lights are lit or not ! Also , I babysat my neighbor 's kids for an hour or so last night and they were loving the colored lights , too . Apparently , they have white lights at home and they aren 't all that impressed with them . Those kids are 2 and 3 , so hopefully Bear will be impressed with our tree for a few years to come . I suppose we need to get baby gates to block off the dining room now , because any time Bear crawls away from me , he heads for the tree . TherePosted by . . . that Bear signed his first sign last night ! I 've been showing him sign language for a few words pretty consistently over the past couple of months and though he smiles when I move his hands to do the correct sign , he 's never mimicked me or anything . Last night was different , though ! I 've been showing him the signs for bath , all done , book , eat , dog , cat , momma and daddy . Which did he choose to do himself first ? ? It 'll make my English professor mama proud - - it was BOOK ! He loves being read to over and over again , so it makes sense that he would choose book as his first sign . The sign is supposed to be both hands opening like a book and Bear only uses one hand , but it 's obvious that he means BOOK ! Hopefully this opens the door to a whole new world for the boy and he 'll start to understand that communication can happen through different means than just crying ! Also , we did end up seeing Santa yesterday . Bear was confused , I think . He wasn 't sure who this guy was and why I backed up real fast after depositing him on said guy 's lap ( so we could get a picture ) . He didn 't cry , but he did spend a fair amount of time staring at Santa 's face . I thought that would make a cute picture , but the picture taking woman waited until he looked our way and sort of half - smiled . The picture we got was free , so it 's not the best quality , but I 'll try to scan it and see how that comes out . There 's also a kind of maniacal looking elf in the background , which I wasn 't a big fan of . Bass Pro Shop has a huge aquarium that I thought Bear would be interested in , but he didn 't even notice the HUGE catfish inside , because he was too busy staring at the waterfall that fed the tank . Oh well . We had fun . I can 't believe my boy is ten months old already . Some days seem really slow , but as a whole , his little life has flown by for me ! We 're really looking forward to the holidays with him . For Thanksgiving , I 'm excited about letting him try different foods . I know , I know , but it doesn 't take much to excite me these days . He 's pretty open to new things , obviously some foods go over better than others . He likes ( A LOT ) just about any kind of bread I 've given him and he seems pretty happy to try any veggie , as long as I mush it up to the exact consistency he desires ( a preference that changes daily ) . Meat is another story . . . he likes those nasty little meat sticks made for toddlers , so I give them to him sometimes ( even though my friends make fun of me ) . Other meat he 's not so interested in . He 's also taken a liking to any kind of bean and to cottage cheese lately . I 'm glad that he likes both of those , so I don 't have to worry about his protein coming from meat . What I 'm most looking forward to for Thanksgiving is my family getting to spend some time with him . My dad and his wife haven 't seen him since July and of course , he 's changed a ton since then . My dad really misses him - - he calls to say hi to us and gets cracked up at Bear making a bunch of noise in the background . My dad 's laugh is infectious , so that in turn gets me laughing as well . Plus , all the jabbering Bear does becomes background noise to me and it 's nice to have someone point it out and make me remember that it definitely sounds like he 's trying to communicate something to us . My brother and brother in law are also coming to visit for Thanksgiving and I 'm excited that they get to spend more than just a couple of hours with Bear . I 've visited Nashville with Bear twice , and that 's the only time my BIL has been able to spend with him , so it should be nice to see them get to interact a little more . My brother has been here once to visit , but Bear was only 2 months old , so he wasn 't too exciting yet . He 's also seen him on those trips to Nashville , but more tiPosted by I am so grateful that my dad , my brother and BIL ( I think ) will be coming to visit us for Thanksgiving . That means we don 't have to go anywhere ! Bear has been a good traveler for us so far , but traveling with a baby is just stressful to me . The biggest problem is the sleeping - - Bear gets all off track and doesn 't get good sleep , so it 's hard to know how he 's going to act during the days . I 'm sure if we stayed anywhere for any length of time he 'd fall into some sort of pattern , but it would probably have to be for more than a week and it 's unlikely that we 'd go anywhere for that long . The sleep deal is so fragile , actually , that I sheepishly asked my brother if he 'd mind sleeping on an air mattress in our living room so that Bear doesn 't have to give up his room . My brother happily obliged , and I am so glad . I really think it will be easier for everyone involved if we keep daily routines as normal as possible for Bear . I really should be focusing on getting the house ready for visitors rather than blogging , but oh well . I 'm even in the room that needs the most work ( carpet cleaning ) , but I 've decided to focus on that this weekend . Right now , I 'm pretty focused on spending time with my friends . I have two best friends here , both of which I 've made through the moms club that I 'm part of . One of them is moving away shortly after Thanksgiving , so I 'm making it a priority to spend as much time with her as possible before she leaves . I 'm so lucky to have 2 good friends ! I would be really down in the dumps if I had only bonded with one fellow mom and then she ended up moving . I 'm not sure that I 'd like living here nearly as much as I do without the moms club and the friendships that have formed out of it . Actually , I know I wouldn 't like it as much . The town itself is okay , but I need those friendships to REALLY like it here . As much as I liked the actual town in TX that we lived in before moving here , it doesn 't compare to how I feel about living here . And the difference is definitely in the friendships I 've made . Even bePosted by Okay , I think maybe I 've FINALLY figured out the eating dilemma with Bear : he is DONE with baby food ! I thought he just wanted to feed himself , but that 's not true . For example , I made some pasta with broccoli and chicken in it and mashed it up and he let me feed it to him . Also , we went out to eat the other night , and we ordered Bear a side of mashed potatoes and he let me feed him those as well . Apparently , he does like to feed himself , but will still allow me to feed him some things , as long as it 's not baby food . I imagine baby food doesn 't have much taste compared to the dinners we cook , so it 's understandable . I talked about it with some of my mom friends and some of their children did the same thing - - just decided they were done one day ! One thing I noticed about table food , though : it must fill him up more than baby food did , because he certainly doesn 't eat as large of a portion . That 's fine , because it 's actually quite a bit cheaper this way ! If I don 't have to buy him separate food and instead just feed him what we eat , we 'll be saving some money . Now , what to do with the left over baby food in the cabinet ? Something I don 't understand , though , is if he is eating grown up food due to the taste , how can he still down loads of formula ? ? Man , he loves that stuff ! If I even say the word " bottle " , he gets all worked up and is ready to drink one RIGHT NOW . The last time we were at the doctor , he told us to switch to whole milk at a year and to start weaning him off of bottles at that point as well . I 'm not looking forward to that change at all ! Maybe , though , like other changes we 've made , it won 't be as difficult as I 'm anticipating . I certainly hope not . That boy loves his bottle , though ! Speaking of change , Bear has recently stopped needing to be rocked to sleep . We used to sit on the couch at bedtime and either just let him fall asleep in my arms , or if he was having trouble getting to that point , I 'd take him in his bedroom and rock him . Now , though , he has a serious wiggling problem . When he 's tired , he sPosted by As promised , here are the Halloween pictures my friend took of Bear and his friends . Here are the three amigos in front of my front door . No one would smile and Bear would not even look at the camera , but HEY , we got a picture of all three of them . He smiled , but only once , and it was kind of a fake smile - - no teeth ! He was much more interested in eating the mulch by our front door . I grabbed it out of his hands quite a few times before we were done with the photo session . He liked playing with the pumpkins we got from the pumpkin patch . This would have been a cuter picture if we had remembered to carve our pumpkins ! Bear and I have not been sleeping well at all . When we visited my mom and her husband , I tried to keep him from crying at night and waking the whole house , so he got used to being fed bottles in the middle of the night . Unfortunately , he seems to have outgrown his love for sleeping in the pack n play as well , so he spent at least a few hours in bed with me every night . He has tried rejecting his crib ever since we got back , but I don 't like that idea , so I 've been forcing the issue and not getting very much sleep myself . Last night was better ( 6 whole hours ! ) , so maybe we 're on the road to sleep recovery . Also , I wrote in my last post about how Bear had started spitting his food out at me . Yay , I may have figured out the problem ! Boo , I don 't like the solution all that much ! I think Bear wants to feed himself . This would be fine if he were just a little older so he could have the dexterity to actually get a spoon to his mouth . Oh , I let him try , but it 's not very successful . Most of the food ends up on the floor , his bib , his face , the high chair tray , his clothes , his hair or on his hands . He really likes foods that he can pick up off his tray and he does a good job at that , but there are only so many foods that I can make into " finger foods " and I worry about his nutritional needs . The oatmeal he used to eat every day is fortified with lots of vitamins and minerals , but so is his formula , so maybe I shoulPosted by We had lots of fun on Halloween night ! My two best friends from the moms club came over with their daughters and we ate dinner and took the kids around the neighborhood in their costumes . Normally , this would be called trick - or - treating , but since none of them can actually say " trick or treat " and none of them can really eat candy , we just took them around to show them off . My neighborhood had lots of kids in costumes running around and it was a really fun night . Unfortunately , my camera battery died , but one of my friends took pics of all three of the kids , so I 'll have to post those after she sends them to me . I did get some pictures of him and his friend Kaitlyn taking a bath together that night , though ! Bear has been " talking " more and more . He now says something that sounds an awful lot like " momma " , and he tends to say it when I leave the room or when he wants to be picked up by me . Maybe I 'm just kidding myself , but it really seems like he 's saying it in reference to me . He 's been saying " guh " for a while and he sometimes says " buh " and is starting to make a " cuh " sound deep in his throat . Something really interesting happened last night during his bath ! He has a toy walrus that we just about always play with during bath time and last night was no exception . I have been holding it up to him and making what I * think * is a walrus sound ever since we received the toy quite a few months ago . Well , last night , he made the sound right after I did ! I thought it was a fluke , so I did it twice more and so did he ! I had Max get out the video camera and we got some great video of me making walrus noises , but of course , Bear clammed up . Another fun step Bear seems to have taken involves food . He has been spitting baby food out at me ! I don 't like this , but I 'm not sure how to stop it . I 've said a very stern " no " to him and he 'll sometimes cry , but he still does it again . The foods that he spits are foods that he 's liked up to this point , so I 'm not sure what 's happening . Max thought that maybe he would do better with thPosted by Bear and I made the six hour drive to Nashville this weekend and had lots of fun . We went mostly to attend a friend 's wedding , but Bear also got to spend lots of time with his Grandma Holt and had some fun with his uncles ( my brother and Max 's brother both live in N ' ville ) . Friday was spent mostly driving around . Because Bear was so well behaved , we made it to Nashville in record time . He spent most of the trip sleeping , with the exception of about half an hour when we stopped and had lunch . We briefly stopped at Grandma Holt 's house and then headed to my friend Andrea 's wedding rehearsal picnic . I didn 't take any pictures that day - - it was too cold to mess with it and we didn 't look very good due to traveling all day . After the chilly picnic , we went over to visit my friend Julie 's 6 month old twins . It was nice to finally meet the babies , but Bear was in a horrific mood by that point , so again , no pictures were taken . The next day was much better . We went out to lunch and shopping with Grandma . We managed to find a really cool children 's consignment shop , where we picked up a fall / winter wardrobe for Bear . We headed for the wedding that afternoon . We were almost late , but it was probably better for us to sit in the very back anyhow . Bear yelled a few times during the exchanging of the vows , but I found some Cheerios in my bag and managed to keep him mostly quiet . At the reception , he spent a good bit of time exploring the floor and getting into my purse : Then we found him a highchair and he was happy to sit there and eat crackers for a bit . He got held by lots of people and played a bunch with the other kids that attended the wedding , so he was pretty tired by the time we pulled back up to Grandma 's house : The next day , we shopped with Grandma again and invited his uncles over to Grandma 's house for dinner . Bear had a whole lot of fun with both of his uncles ! His favorite thing to do with Uncle Nick was to pull his beard . And with Uncle Seth , pulling off his glasses was the fun activity . The next day , we went to the unPosted by I have been upset since yesterday afternoon and things keep happening to make me more upset . Nothing bad has happened to us , but it seems like the universe is not treating people well lately , so I 'm keeping my eyes open . I 'm not very superstitious and I try to have a positive outlook , but it 's hard not to be cynical when total crap keeps happening to people . I got word yesterday that a high school friend lost her house in a fire on Monday and I am so worried about her . We haven 't actually talked in a few years , but we email and keep up with each other through blogs and I still care a lot about her . She has 3 kids and while no one was hurt in the fire , they lost EVERYTHING ( including their pets , which is horrible ! ) . Thank goodness they weren 't home , but I cannot imagine losing everything I own and having to explain to three kids that their pets are gone . Today , I opened my myspace account to find that one of my friends from college , who is pregnant with her first child , just found out for sure that her son has a birth defect . A pretty scary one , too . I don 't know anything about the birth defect and had never even heard of it until today , but apparently it 's a fairly common one . I guess kids can live after the surgery to fix the defect , but the fact that some don 't makes me cry . How stressful , to learn that your baby is sick only halfway through your pregnancy ! I remember how hopeful and excited I was to be pregnant with Bear and I cannot fathom extreme worry being a part of those emotions as well . Then , I checked the blogs that I read daily to see that someone who was expecting to start the IVF process today has to wait longer , AGAIN . Now , I don 't actually know this person in real life , but when you read about someone 's thoughts and emotions everyday , you start to feel like you know at least a little about her and you sort of experience those emotions along with her . This girl has been through some serious crap trying to become a mom and it has lasted a number of years . I was so hopeful for her this week and to hear Posted by I 've noticed that my blogging is becoming more and more sporadic with each passing week . I don 't know where the time goes and apparently my mind is shot , because I don 't have any really good blogging ideas lately ! I don 't want to give up the blog entirely , as it 's a good release for me when I can find the time . Bear and I have gotten so much busier , though ! We 've made some friends through our moms club and the activities get us out of the house at least twice a week . Also , Bear is taking shorter naps ( which is fine , because he 's sleeping through the night most of the time ) and it 's just harder to find the time . I used to be able to plop him down and write a post while he was playing , and that 's nearly impossible at this point . He requires just about ALL of my attention just about ALL of the time . It 's not that he can 't play by himself , because he totally can and does . It 's more about the fact that he 's so mobile and into everything that I have to be pretty close by to make sure he doesn 't hurt himself crawling onto something or fall over when he pulls up on furniture . One of my favorite times of day is becoming the time when I wash his bottles . I know , sounds weird , right ? But I can put him in his high chair and give him a sippy cup of water and a snack and he 's as happy as can be watching me clean the kitchen . I talk to him and he babbles back at the appropriate time , so that it almost seems like we 're having a conversation . He has just started babbling a " guh " sound and he 'll say it over and over again and then laugh . I have no idea what he 's talking about , but it 's definitely the beginning of language development . It 's so exciting to think about the day when he will communicate something to me ! I do some sign language with him , but he hasn 't signed anything back to me yet . He 's still a little young , according to the books that I have , but that doesn 't mean he doesn 't understand when I sign . He has also started understanding what I mean when I say " no " , which is great ! He likes to play in our gas fireplace , whichPosted by I think separation anxiety has officially hit my poor Bear . I just don 't know the best way to get him over it . The only time I leave him with anyone is when I go to the gym , which is usually 2 - 3 times a week . He was fine with it from the beginning ( when he was around 5 months old ) - - he had a favorite lady and he appeared to even have fun with the toys in there . Ever since a week or so ago , he has absolutely hated it . He has not wanted to go to anyone , even his favorite person , and has been clinging to me so that I have to loosen his grip on my shirt before I can hand him over . Then , when I come back from working out , usually in about an hour , I am greeted by a red - eyed , snotty - nosed baby that can 't calm down until we are on the highway back home , where he falls asleep . I 'm just not sure what 's best at this stage and I 'm getting conflicting advice . My mom friends tell me that I should leave him for shorter periods of time so that he starts to realize that I 'm coming back . One friend told me that she did this with her son and started with only leaving him for 15 minutes at a time . Call me selfish or whatever , but I am not driving all the way to the gym for a 15 minute workout . So I tried half an hour today and that 's probably what I 'll do the next few times to see if it works . I did get grilled by the childcare worker today , though . She wanted to know why I wasn 't gone for as long as I usually am , so I told her what I was trying . She told me that she 's been working with kids for a long time and that he 'll get over it , even if I go for my normal hour . So now I don 't know what to do . I don 't want to traumatize the little guy and sometimes I feel selfish for even going to the gym . But , dang it , I 'm supposed to go the gym ! I need to lose weight , I need some alone time and I need to make exercise a regular part of my routine ! So help me out - - if you have any words of wisdom , please share ! Bear and I went to a pumpkin patch with our moms club yesterday and it was so much fun ! I , for one , am still a little worn out from lugging my heavy little boy all over the place , but it was still a good time . We were one of the first ones to get there , so we had to wait for the rest of our group . We spent time looking at all the animals on the farm . Here 's Bear and his friends ( notice they are ALL girls ! ) sitting in a row under the rabbit cages . The pumpkin patch had some little photo op areas set up that we took advantage of while we were waiting for the hayride to start . It started to rain a little , so we had to hurry . This is a cute picture , but I could not get the boy to smile ! When we finally started the hayride , Bear was very interested in the hay . He played with it , threw it and I think he even tasted some . Then he got bored . He woke up when the tractor stopped at the actual pumpkin patch . Just in time ! There is another patch not too far from our house that I 'd like to visit as a family . Hopefully we 'll do that soon and I 'll post more pictures then ! Oh , I almost forgot . . . I wanted to post a picture of him happily swinging . I 've been putting him in the swings at the park ever since he could hold his head up , but he never looked like enjoyed them much . He didn 't complain , so I figured he liked it , it was just that he never smiled . He just started really enjoying himself the other day , and I was amazed at how much he laughed and kicked his legs . My best friends in the moms club each have a little girl , so Bear is often surrounded by shrieks , hollers , temper tantrums and the like . That 's not to say that these particular little girls are badly behaved - - not by any means ! They 're just normal little girls with big voices . Anyhow , Bear hardly ever makes a peep when we 're in public . At home , he 's always making tooting noises with his mouth and lately he 's been making these little high pitched noises that sound an awful lot like the beginnings of actual language . My friends have rarely heard Bear 's little sounds , but today , when we were out to lunch , Bear yawned and made the loudest sound I 've ever heard him make ! My friends looked at me with surprised faces and couldn 't believe he 'd yelled out so loudly . We all started cracking up . I just realized today that I am having the best time of my life . Up until this point , college has always been what I would call the best . I had a ton of friends who were always up for fun , no real responsibilities other than attending class and basically a lot of free time on my hands to do whatever I wanted . I made the first friends that I really felt that I had something in common with , some of which are still my friends today . Of course , I was always poor and I hadn 't met Max yet , so those are some downfalls , but there are bad sides to any situation . I also could never figure out what it was I wanted to do with my life . . . never felt sure about my major and didn 't feel passionately about much of anything . After college was also good , because I met Max and had lots of fun dating him , but I missed having lots of friends around . I also started thinking that my job was not a very good one , but I still didn 't know what to do with my life . I got a graduate degree , but I had trouble finding work and then we moved to Texas . I still couldn 't find a good job , so I accepted one that was less than desirable . I made some friends there , but no one that I keep in touch with . Then we decided to move to Mississippi . . . again , not a great job to be founPosted by I am starting to feel like I am one of those people who gets sick easily ! Yep , I 'm sick again . I have yet another cold and I just cannot believe it . This is the third one in a matter of six weeks or so . I have also been on antibiotics three times over the last six weeks , twice for sinus infections , once for a UTI ( sorry if that 's too much info ! ) that I didn 't even know I had but was discovered at a routine checkup . I think I 've taken enough for now , so I 'm going to let this cold go for at least a week before I visit a doctor again . According to the online research I 've done , it 's really hard to distinguish between a cold and a sinus infection . Antibiotics won 't do anything for a cold , but they are needed for sinus infections . I 'm not convinced that the last two colds I had were really sinus infections , but I was prescribed antibiotics anyway , I guess to be on the safe side . I don 't want my body to get immune to the antibiotics , so I 'm going to try to wait this sickness out and hope for the best . Thank goodness Bear doesn 't have it yet and hopefully he will not get it . I skipped a lunch the moms club had today , which I hated to do , but I don 't think I would have been very good company if I kept blowing my nose at the table . I got a little stir crazy , though , and decided to venture out to WalMart to pick up a few things . On the way , I got really thirsty for a diet coke , so I went to the drive through at McDonald 's . The drink I was handed was filled way too full , so it spilled all over the front of my shirt when I picked it up to take a drink . A year ago , I would have headed back home and would have probably ended up skipping the WalMart trek . But ever since I had a baby , stains on my clothing just don 't phase me as much . Imagine that ! Anyhow , I still felt a little gross , so I just hoped I didn 't see anyone I knew . Of course , I did , though . I ran into a fellow moms clubber with three of her four boys , none of which could I remember their names . I can remember the 4 names of her boys , but I always get the actual kids Posted by I haven 't had nearly as much time to blog lately ! It 's not just that Bear and I have been busy , it 's also that Bear is so active recently that I just don 't have the time . I have to wait until he 's sleeping or until he 's ready to be plopped into his exersaucer or jumperoo , which is getting less and less often . He wants to be on the go constantly and gets frustrated if I try to keep him in one place . He LOVES to stand up and try to walk , but honestly , he isn 't very good at it yet . Just now I had to stop typing and help him up off the floor . He was attempting to cruise along the couch , but he tripped over his own feet and went down . He fell onto his new train that his Grandma J . just sent to him and the smokestack got stuck in the leg of his diaper ! It just kept making animal sounds as he rolled to get up . I laughed , which probably made him even more frustrated , but hey , it was funny ! There are things that he 's getting into and places he 's crawling that I just haven 't anticipated . I fully expected him to get into the dog food , open cabinets and drawers and get anything off low shelves we have , but he surprises me nearly every day . I think it 's going to be a while before we are fully childproofed , simply because I have to learn ( through trial and error , mostly ) what needs to be moved or protected . Yesterday , we went to the park with the moms club that I belong to . I was sitting on a blanket with him for the majority of the time , but he kept eating the woodchips that line the playground , so I picked him up and sat him on a piece of playground equipment that was about as tall as my waist . He sat there for the longest time , watching older kids and exploring the little holes in the base of the climbing equipment , when all of the sudden , he took off crawling along the steps up to a slide . I freaked out and jumped up on the steps to grab him . I must have looked panicked , because all the moms asked me what happened . It probably wasn 't a big deal , but there aren 't rails or anything on the edges of the steps to keep him from tPosted by Bear is turning into a big boy and I just cannot believe it . So much is happening so fast ! I sort of want to slow it down , but I also was ready for a change . Just a month ago , we were still getting up with him three or four times a night and now he pretty consistently sleeps through the night , as long as nothing 's wrong ( like teething ) . As a matter of fact , he 's still sleeping right now ( at 9 : 00 in the morning ! ) . I 've already showered and am ready to start the day , but I 'll let him sleep until he 's ready to get up . He only ended up taking one nap yesterday and then tried to go to bed at 7 : 30 pm . I , being the smart momma that I am , knew that would not work , so I woke him up at 8 : 45 and let him stay up until 11 or so . We 've realized over the past couple of weeks that it is ideal for Bear to go to sleep around 10 , because I prefer to get up around 8 . And , let me tell you , you can 't get a baby to sleep longer than he wants to ! My mom has told me many times that it never seemed like I slept as much as other babies did and I think Bear may have inherited that gene . Oh well , I mostly like our time together anyhow . More than just sleeping habits have changed around this house lately , too . Over the course of the past month , Bear has learned to sit up for long periods of time with no support , to crawl , to pull up on furniture , and to entertain himself for periods of about 20 minutes . Just in the past week , he has begun to learn which furniture it is safe to pull up on and he 's now getting down by himself . I was having to frantically run behind him to make sure he didn 't fall after he stood up , but now , he 'll start to stand up , realize it 's not a good idea and bend back down all by himself . Also , last night I sat him in a chair to take his 8 month pictures , and do you believe he let me take a few pics and then GOT DOWN OUT OF THE CHAIR BY HIMSELF ? ? ! ! I was completely floored ! Of course , I was right there to catch him in case he fell , but I don 't understand how he knew what to do . He first went from a sitting position to lyinPosted by Oh , how things have improved since that last post ! I was just rereading it and I sounded exhausted ! Apparently , that was just a bad night for Bear . He 's been mostly sleeping through the night for almost a week now ( with Tuesday as an exception , obviously ) . I 'm hoping that this is becoming his new routine . We 've had to work on it , but honestly , not that hard . We decided to let him start crying it out and we 've never had to let him cry longer than 20 minutes . I had heard stories that horrified me - - from parents that said they just couldn 't take the screaming to parents who were proud that they 'd made it through a four hour crying spell . I was so worried that I wouldn 't be able to stick it out ( and there was no way I was going to let him cry for hours ) , but luckily , so far , I haven 't really had to . I suppose that means Bear was ready to start sleeping through the night and just needed a little help getting there . We do , however , have to keep him up until 10 pm , which is not exactly ideal to me . If I had my way , I 'd put him in bed by about 8 , but if we let him go to sleep much earlier than 10 , he wakes up incredibly early and I 'm not a very good momma when it 's not light out yet . Bear sleeps about 9 . 5 hours uninterrupted and I 'm really happy with that . According to some of my mommy friends , he may start sleeping more later - - as he gets more active and as he drops some time off his naps . I went to the doctor yesterday to get a physical , but also to hear the consensus on my tailbone . If you don 't know , there was a possibility that I fractured my tailbone during childbirth . It has been hurting on and off since I was pregnant and it 's gotten to be a real annoyance . Anyhow , it 's not fractured and I don 't have a cyst or any fluid buildup or anything like that . According to my doctor , it probably just got injured during pregnancy , further injured during childbirth and just keeps getting re - injured or bruised . Basically , I just have to wait it out and it 'll get better on its own . My main concern was that we 'd like to have anothPosted by I 'm pretty sure I had the worst night ever with Bear last night . Just now am I regaining the energy that was sucked out of me over the past twenty four hours . He 's been sick with a cold , a sinus infection and some sort of stomach mess , but never has he had a night as bad as last night . . . not even as a newborn ! It started off okay - - Max went out with a friend to watch Monday Night Football and I stayed home to enjoy some much needed mindless television . Bear had dinner and a bath as usual and after his jammies were on , we played in the living room for a bit . He started to get very sleepy around 8 : 00 and all I could think was Awww crap ! You see , the prior two nights were blissful . He slept approximately 9 . 5 hours each night , without waking up AT ALL , IN HIS OWN BED ! However , he didn 't actually go to bed until 10 : 30 or 11 , which is fine with me . I should have known it was too good to be true . So , at 9 : 15 , I just could not keep him awake anymore . He fell asleep in my arms and I put him in his crib , where he slept until 10 . I rocked him for a just a few minutes and he quickly fell back to sleep . I thought everything was good , but he woke up again at 11 . I tried to rock him again , but it was a no go . At 11 : 30 when Max got home , I was still trying . I tried for what seemed like a very long time and at 12 : 30 I decided to just let him cry for a bit . He was very obviously tired and going nuts from not being able to sleep . Everything seemed to distract him , including me , so I just laid him in his crib and turned on the monitor . He cried , then screamed for a little bit . After about 15 minutes , he started coughing . After a tiny coughing fit , he went back to screaming . In the past , the screaming part has not lasted for long , so after about 20 more minutes , I decided to check in on him . I am so glad I did , because he had vomited all over his bed ! It was in his hair , in his ear and even in his eye . It was all over his pajamas and got all over mine in the process of picking him up . I cleaned him up in the sink and attempted to put hiPosted by I decided it was time that the boy had some shoes . It 's warm in MS for a LOOOONG time and up until this point , he really hasn 't needed them . Now that he 's wanting to stand all the time , he and I are constantly battling about the fact that he wants DOWN . RIGHT NOW . I don 't want his bare feet to touch certain things like the floor at playgrounds at places like Chick Fil A and McDonald 's , outdoor playgrounds , restaurants or shopping malls . I don 't really care if his feet get dirty , because I can always wash them , but he tends to put his toes in his mouth when I 'm changing his diaper or when he 's bored in his car seat . Anyhow , I bought him some CUTE shoes at a consignment store this morning ! This pair was an especially good find to me , mostly because we have 2 black and tan dachshunds , but also because I 'd been looking for a pair of these leather booty type shoes for a while and the brand name ones are $ 25 - $ 30 ! ! I paid $ 10 for these , which retail for around $ 25 . These are just classic and I knew I 'd buy some for my child before he even existed . However , they retail for around $ 20 , and that 's a little steep for shoes that probably won 't get much use since he can 't walk yet . I got these for $ 8 . I love good deals ! Bits of dead grassThe dog 's tailPieces of cardboardA piece of tapeDaddy 's shoesThe dog 's footA spoonMomma 's t - shirtPages of a magazineA spider web , with a dead spider still in it ! Dust bunniesStringDog toysThe wire screen on the fireplaceRandom fuzz found on the floorMomma 's hairFringe on a blanketA table legYep , that is a partial list of things I have either wrenched out of Bear 's hands before he ingests them or that I have had to dig out of his mouth before he swallows them . Reading over that list , I realize that it sounds like I never clean my house , but I promise , I sweep every day ! Bear just has a particular knack for finding things that the broom missed . And that is all from this week ! He can 't even crawl that fast yet ! I think I 'm in trouble . I decided to try something new with Bear last night - - crying it out . I 've always said that I didn 't want to do this , at least not the true definition of it , but I was about at my wit 's end last night . Bear has been sick and has been falling asleep and waking up with no pattern at all since Friday night . And he was waking up a LOT ! Now , when he was actually sick , I understood . He couldn 't breathe well , was coughing and just generally didn 't feel good . He usually seemed like he just wanted to be held , and I was all for it when he was at his worst . Now , though , I am feeling seriously sleep deprived . Last night , he fell asleep at a decent hour ( 9 : 00 ) and slept for a few hours until about 12 : 30 , when he proceeded to wake up every 60 - 90 minutes . This is how it has been since Friday and it doesn 't seem to matter if he 's in his own bed , in our bed or in the dog 's bed . Okay , kidding about that last one . . . we 've never put him in the dog 's bed , promise ! Anyhow , when he woke up at 4 : 00 last night , he was in our bed . He was inconsolable - - writhing around and crying . I could tell he was still tired , though , so I got a bottle and a fluffy blanket for him , rocked him until he was pretty close to asleep and I laid him in his crib . He cried , yes indeed , he cried ! He expected me to come get him , and why wouldn 't he ? That 's been the status quo for the past 7 months , but no more ! I am ready to work on him sleeping through the nights ! I turned the monitor down but not off , that way I could still see the lights on it that indicated how loud the sound in his room was . The lights stayed on , so apparently he was crying , for at least 20 minutes and I don 't know what happened after that because I fell asleep ! I woke up after he 'd been alone for an hour , though , and he wasn 't crying anymore . This feels like at least a small victory to me ! Now that I know I can stand the sound of his crying ( much easier after he cried so much while sick , by the way ) and that he WILL fall asleep , I feel much better about trying the " crying it out " deal . I always Posted by I had yet another bad momma moment today . Lately these moments have been occurring when Bear falls , and even though I 'm right there , I don 't react quickly enough to catch him . His cry is very accusatory , by the way . Today was different , though . A fellow mom friend called to ask if we wanted to go to The Play Place today , which , from what I understand , is a place that has all these different toys to play with for a flat fee ( Bear would have gotten in for free ) . There 's a dress up station and a little kitchen station , among other things . We 've never been , but there are apparently things there for a kid Bear 's age to play with and it sounded fun . Bear had several little coughing fits last night while he was sleeping - - nothing bad enough to wake him up , but nevertheless , he was coughing . So I let my friend know that we should probably skip the activity for today and maybe try again later this week when Bear might be feeling better . I was feeling like a good mom for making this decision . Bear needed rest and I didn 't traipse him all around town so his nose could run on other people 's toys . Anyhow , when he woke up this morning , he seemed to be in a great mood . He ate a little , he played and just seemed generally like he was feeling better . Since we 'd already canceled the Play Place trip , I decided to make a trip to the gym and leave him in the child care room . He was just fine when I dropped him off , but an hour and fifteen minutes later when I went to pick him up he was anything but fine . They had him in a swing and he was all humped over with his nose running into the tray of the swing . He was sound asleep , which never happens at child care , because he 's usually too busy playing or getting attention . He woke up when I stopped the swing and he just stared off into space . The woman working there handed me a tissue so I could catch the nastiness that was coming out of his nose and I asked if his nose was running the whole time . Her response ? " Yeah , A LOT . " Well , that made me feel like crap . I stammered something along thPosted by Well , no doubt about it , Bear is definitely a sick boy . When his temperature reached 103 yesterday , we decided it was time to call our pediatrician 's after - hours clinic . We were the only patients there , so it was a quick appointment , thank goodness . The doctor says my Bear has a sinus infection . Go figure . His momma had a little trouble with that recently ! So now , we 're shoving some mixture of antibiotics , decongestant and Tylenol in his mouth every 4 - 6 hours . Let me tell you , he loves taking medicine . Okay , that was a lie . He 's so grumpy and I can tell he wants me to fix it , but I just can 't . He 's had a couple tiny illnesses in the past , but this one kicks all those in the hiney . He 's not interested in sleeping , eating , playing or having his nose wiped . He 's mostly concerned with me holding him . Last night was pretty bad - - probably the worst night we 've had since he was a newborn . He and I slept on the couch for much of the night , because it seemed better for Bear to sit up a little . We made it to bed around 4 am , when Bear finally conked out for 3 solid hours . And let me tell you , I treasured those 3 hours . Anyhow , the fever is mostly gone , so hopefully this sickness is on its way out with it . I 'll let you know in 10 days when we 're done with the antibiotic ! |
So last year we decided to go away for the holidays , and thats what we did for Christmas this year we went away to Orlando . We left Sunday at 5 in the morning which was good the kids slept the entire way there . We did not have to stop , we made it to Orlando in less then 3 hours . This is Anthony 's face when we were getting to Disney World he was looking at the entrance which is a big arch were they have a Mickey , Minnie and Donald Duck . We went to Epcot that day , it was Ok , not a park to take kids , I should have known since I have been there but Jose wanted to go there rather than Animal Kingdom . Anthony did get to meet ALL the characters Mickey , Minnie , Pluto , and Goofy and he loved it . It was hilarious to see him in the line to meet them and take pictures , he was like an obsessed fan , crying and screaming for Mickey and holding on to the pole while I was pulling him away to continue in the line . Then when we finally got to Mickey he was in total shock he was just staring at him in disbelief . It was the funniest thing I have ever seen . Christmas Eve we spent it at Magic Kingdom and it was amazing the weather was perfect the decorations looked beautiful . We saw the Christmas Parade and the Night Christmas show which both were very pretty and Anthony enjoyed it very much . Every time he saw a Disney character his eyes would light up . We did not go on any rides because the lines were just to long and Anthony would not appreciate them any way , but Anthony did play in two playgrounds , one by Mickey Mouse 's House and the other was Pooh 's house which in both he had a blast . The park was actually going to be open till 1 am but we were just to tired and left at about 8 pm . We had Christmas dinner at a Denny 's close to the Hotel , and that was a mess it took forever , they were short staffed . Anyway Christmas Day we spent it a Sea World and that was a lot of fun . I had made reservations to have lunch Backstage of the Believe show which is the one with Shamu the Killer whale . That was pretty cool the tank is right next to you Posted by Where do I begin today when I was making breakfast , I noticed that both of the kids where very quiet but I did think much of it . When I got to the living room it was a whole different story . Anthony had gotten to the corn starch . It was pretty much every where , the floor , the sofa , Gaby and even the cat , but I couldn 't get a picture of him . That 's Gaby trying to reach the corn starch to eat it . On Monday Anthony took half of the Christmas balls out of the tree and put them in Gaby 's play pen with her in it . She was having a blast with the Christmas balls . When I was taking them out to put them back on the tree she started crying hysterically , all because I would let her eat them . She had glitter everywhere on her face . This is her crying with glitter all over her face . A lot has happened since the last time I blogged . Gaby turned 6 months old , Anthony is driving me crazy most of the day and me and my mother don 't talk at all , anyway . Gaby is doing great she is moving around , she kind of crawls , its more of scooting around similar to what Anthony used to do . She is smiling a lot and I love when I tickle her , her laugh is the best thing ever . Anthony has a new obsession its Mickey Mouse . Which is good because we are going to Disney World for Christmas . Anyway Halloween was ok it rained here so I got stuck with a bunch of candy , but we did take the kids Trick or Treating at the Mall and to the neighbors that wanted to see their costumes . Gaby was Princess Leia and Anthony was Darth Vader , they looked great . Anthony loves music and any time he sees dad listening to the IPOD he wants to listen to it . I have to find a music class of any kind and see if he 'll like it . He has been pretty good , he is talking a lot . Puts words together to make sentences , but I think I am the only one that can understand most of the time . I can 't believe all the things he says and does , he is growing up so fast . I am so glad that I can stay home with both of my kids and enjoy every moment with them , even thought it is not great all the time . The good days make it all worth it . Yes we are back , Home Sweet Home . The trip did not start how we expected it but hey at least we survived 5 day out of the country with the kids . To start off , on Thursday we woke up late , then when we went to the Airport the Airline ( Spirit ) made us pay for Anthony , even though I called back in April when we bought our tickets and asked if he had to pay full price or just taxes , the retard on the other line said No , both of the kids just have to pay for taxes . What sucks the most is that we paid more for Anthony 's ticket then Jose 's and mine combined . Then when we got to Costa Rica it just got worst the Airline LOST the kids luggage , everything we had for them was gone . I mean everything the outfits for the wedding , shoes , pj 's , everything , I had to buy them new cloths , because there are no little kids in the family except for my kids . Then when we get there it turned out that we had to stay at my grandmothers house because my cousin apartment had issues with the hot water and that was another thing I did not want to do because my grandmother has major issues , I would write about it but I could spend ALL day on it . Then every time I would ask how to get to the bus , to go outside the city , to the beach or a volcano , my mother especially , wanted to freak us out and tell us that we would get mugged or stabbed which is not true . She just wanted to mess with our plans , I don 't know why maybe she was mad or jealous of the cool things that we wanted to do . Anyway besides ALL that we had a pretty good time , Friday we did a coffee tour , Saturday we went to the wedding . After the wedding Jose and his sister and her boyfriend went to the Pacific Ocean . I stayed back because it was a 3 hour bus ride and I did not want to do that with the kids to stay at the beach for a couple of hours and then come back . I stayed back and talk to a friend of mine that actually moved to Costa Rica 3 years ago and we got together and spoke for hours she met the kids and spent the night with us . The next day the 4 and my friend went to the capiPosted by We are sitting down on the sofa watching The Dailey Show with Jon Stewart , and Jose says " Gaby just took a really big crap . " Anthony says " Holy Crap " , then we are quiet again and I mentioned to Jose that Jennifer Lopez is pregnant Anthony answer " REALLY ? " . I love my monkey doodle , he makes me laugh all the time , sometimes I can not believe the things that come out of his mouth . This weekend was non - stop . Saturday I had a Baby Shower at 9 : 30 am , then at 2pm we had a kid 's birthday party in Jupiter which is about 1 hour away , then a 7pm we had Jose 's Party for his 10 year High School reunion , which was a Black Tie affair , but luckily the party was close to my moms house , so we got ready there and left the kids there . On Sunday we had the 10 year High School reunion picnic , which was also my moms birthday . I also had to do all the laundry because we are leaving on Thursday to go to Costa Rica which I am really excited about , since this time we are ALL going , including Jose 's sister and her boyfriend . The main reason we are going is because my cousin is getting married on Saturday . I have to pick up the house before we leave because I hate to come back from vacation to a messy house . do have all the outfits for the kids and mine but now I have to actually put it in the luggage . All I really want to do is sleep , I am so exhausted . Yesterday Gaby turned 5 months old and it was also our 5 year anniversary . If you would have told me 5 years ago that this would be my life I would have laughed , especially the part were we have 2 kids . To tell you the truth we weren 't planning on having kids for a long time , but I am not complaining , I am very happy with my life . Anyway we did not exchange gifts since next week we are going to Costa Rica I rather use that money and spend it over there , but we did go out to to dinner . " A " took the kids so that Jose and I could enjoy a nice dinner at The Melting Pot it a fondue restaurant . I have to say I give this restaurant two thumbs up . It was delicious , we started with a cheese fondue , I also had Yin and Yang drink , actually 2 , which was delicious , we had caesar salads , then for our main course we had Mojo Style cooking , we chose Fondue fusion which had lobster , steak , chicken , pork , ravioli , rigatoni , and fresh veggies . It was delicious and you can not forget dessert . By the time dessert came I was stuffed , really really stuffed , but we continued to eat , we chose Chocolate S ' mores OH MY GOD is all I have to say , it was so good , no GREAT , for dippers we got marshmallows covered with graham cracker and some with Oreo cookies , there was also strawberries , brownies , rice crispes , pound cake , and a delicious cheesecake . The restaurant is a little pricey but it was so worth it . So if you guys have one near you should definitely try it out . P . S . I LOVE YOU BABE THANKS FOR ANOTHER GREAT YEAR ! This was at Chuck E Cheese the other day with his little cousin . This is Gaby being cute like always . Today I took both of our children to the Dr . for wells check up Anthony is 32 1 / 2 lb I think he is 35 inches tall , the Dr said he looks great and to continue to do whatever it is that I am doing . Gaby is 15lbs and measures 25 inches , she is also doing very well for her age . I asked the Dr about giving her cereal , food and etc , because my mother keeps nagging me to give her food now , but the Dr said that only if I feel it is necessary , which I don 't think it is , she is the the high percentile for her age and she is not complaining so I will not start food until she is 6 months , or starts eating more often . I swear I have memorized the movie Cars , I know every line , and every song in the freaking movie , thanks to my 2 year old . It all started yesterday , when he saw a commercial with Lightning McQueen , I do not have the movie here its actually at my mothers house and to top it off Jose took my car which has Monkey doodles car seat in it . I tried to entertain him with some other shows I tried Mickey Mouse , Barney , and Pooh nothing worked he kept bring the remote control to me and " Carro ( car in spanish ) rvmm rvmm ! " He was not buying it , I knew he liked cars but I did not know that it was this much . So I called my lifesaver , my friend and neighbor , to ask if she would go buy one for him , and it turned out that she had one but it was in her husband truck but the good thing is that he works down the street . I thought it was pretty funny that they have that movie since they have no kids . anyway . . . . . . I SWEAR I have seen it 5 times TODAY and I have been out of the house most of the day . ' sigh ' Every time the movie finishes Anthony ask to replay it . I have that song from Rascal Flatts " Life is a Highway " stuck in my head . Don 't get me wrong like this group but when you hear the same song ALL DAY LONG it is bound to make you crazy . Enjoy ! ! So we survived this weekend I have to say that I am very proud of the party , and also HAPPY BIRTHDAY MONKEY DOODLE ! ! I really have to thank my friend and neighbor " A " for helping me out , and my sister for picking up Anthony and taking him so that I could finish the last minute things for the party . I wasn 't sure about the weather because it rained all week long . We woke up at 6 am to get things started and set up . When we got to the club house the weather was muggy but I was optimistic and after an hour or two it was nice but right before the guest were supposed to be showing up we looked across the lake it was coming right toward us , a bad thunder storm . I thought that the party would be over people might think it was not going to happen , it was a POOL party , you can not have a pool party if it is raining , but after 30 minutes of bad rain and wind it was all over and the weather was perfect , really the day was great , it was the perfect day for the BBQ and to be at the pool . Anthony enjoyed every minute of it . We had about 55 people almost everyone that RSVP were there . We even had a party crasher . We took lots of pictures but we uploaded them to the laptop and it is acting up so I will but them on when we figure it out . I started to write this post on Sunday , I think I should finish it . So I just have to say that I was very happy with how everything turned out , I can 't believe that we have a 2 year old , it feels like just yesterday that he was this little bitty thing and now he can do most thing on his own . That is it 9 more days till my Doodle turns 2 years old . Man , I getting old . ANYWAY . . . . . Well pretty much everything is done for his party the only things missing is drinks and food , which can be done the day of or before . The cake has been ordered , its all Cars theme , which he loves . I am amazed on how many people we invited over 80 people , which more than 40 % is just family , the rest are friends that we can not invite or we would not stop hearing it . I have sent out 42 invitations , thats insane . It is like I was inviting people for a wedding . I don 't think I had this many people invited to our wedding . Monkey Doodle is doing so well , you can tell that he is about to be in the terrible 2 stage , it has already started , and can you believe that he talks back . He amazes me everyday . I have a dilemma Our guest are asking what to get Anthony , and to tell you the truth I don 't know what to tell them . He has plenty of toys , really and I just recently went to Macy 's and went crazy because they had a great sell on clothes , so he doesn 't need clothes . Is it bad to tell them to give them a gift card or certificate or money since he does have a savings account . What would you do ? please comment . 23days and counting down till Monkey Doodle turns 2 . I can 't believe it , time is just going so fast . I am so excited about his party we are having it at a clubhouse that has a pool and a playground . I figured we do it there were everyone can enjoy themselves . My mom wanted to do it at chuck e cheese but we have a lot of friends that don 't have kids , so this is much better plus it was free , you can 't get any better than that . I had his invitations made on Shutterfly , with a picture of him in the front . They 'll come in next week hopefully by sept 9th . He is talking a lot and repeats every thing we say . He is starting to put words together to make small sentences in Spanish , in English he knows words but since I speak to him in Spanish he communicates better in it , and so does everyone else , and even my neighbor who does not speak Spanish is learning Spanish with him , I think thats really neat . Now about Gaby . . . . she is sooooooooooo cute . She is cooing more and giggles if you tickle her . She pushes her body up with her arms , and also turns around so maybe soon she 'll start crawling . She is 3 1 / 2 months old and loves to sleep on our bed . She sleeps through the night but in the mornings when I feed her , I 'll sometimes feed her in our bed and she 'll sleep for about another 5 hours , waking up at about 11 : 30 am . She also starting to hold toys in her hand and recognizes our faces and gives us this great big smiles , that I just love . This is probably the weirdest thing I have ever done since Gaby was born . Anthony had to go potty , and as he was sitting there Gaby woke up hungry , so she was crying at the top of her lungs . So I told Anthony to stay put on the toilet , and I picked up Gaby went back to the bathroom and breast fed her while sitting on the bathroom sink . The sucky part was that I was there for 15 minutes and Anthony did not do anything . Wow , it has been a long time since I have blogged but it just crazy here at home with the kids . Last Saturday we decided to get out of the house , and we ended up in Key Largo . We did a lot first we went to Jose 's friends house to have a Graduation lunch and then we drove to Miami to Vizcaya Museum and Gardens , its a very beautiful . Anyway when we got to Key Largo we stopped at a gas station to wait for Jose 's sister , that was diving there , to go to dinner . I smelled mint gum and I thought it was Jose chewing gum . I noticed that Anthony was playing with paper with I wondered were it came from and when I turned around I saw that he had gotten to my small purse . He had eaten all but two pieces of trident gum . We couldn 't do anything about it so we let nature take its course . The next day Anthony pooped minty fresh smelling poop . I didn 't know that that could happen , Jose and I were laughing every time that we had to change his diaper . I had a lot of blogging ideas but this week I found a new hobby , scrap booking . Jose sister and I have started our own group , every Tuesday and Thursday . I have been doing pretty well but my problem is that I never printed any of the pictures that we have taken of Anthony and Gaby . So I decided to join Shutterfly , which is great because I don 't have to leave the house , not that I don 't like to leave , its that with two small children I prefer to stay home . So I uploaded all the pictures I liked and I am going to have to print them a little at a time because I have over 200 pictures . It took me almost a whole day to go through all the folders with pictures that we have . I am really excited to finally be doing this . I also need pictures for my frames in which I have pictures of the cats but not of my kids , thats pretty sad , I have professional pictures of Anthony , Gaby and of Jose Graduation that have no frames . Thats another project that I have to work on too . Monkey Doodle is getting so big so fast . In a little over two months he will be two years old . I can 't believe it , time goes to fast . He is a lot of work but I have been able to manage . Last week I took him to the water park and he loved it he did not want to leave . When we finally left , after 5 hours at the pool , he was whipped out when we got home he fell asleep while eating dinner . I have never seen him do that he always eats his dinner . He is repeating everything we say . He says " Oh My God " all the time . He now knows the difference between a cat and a dog , but all other animals are also cat and dogs . If you ask him to make the animal noise he does it , he knows monkey well and even does the hand movement it 's really cute . He knows his own name and can point at a person and tell you who they are mama , papa , tia ( aunt ) , tio ( uncle ) , he calls my mom and dad tita and tito , he know tu ( you ) and yo ( I ) . He speaks mostly Spanish , but he does understand English . He loves his little sister last week she got shots so she had bandage on her leg and he would point at it and say " Gaby Ouch " and kiss it , that has to be the sweetest thing ever . I am so glad that he is not the jealous type . Going out the three of us has been getting easier every time last Friday Jose wanted us to have lunch with him and his co workers and I was out in about 20 minutes , not bad since the first time it took me about an hour . Anyway on Saturday my mom picked up Anthony to take him to Lion Country Safari before they went to the park my mom took him to breakfast , just so you know before they left I gave Monkey a fruit cup so that it would hold him up till the ate at IHOP , so my mom calls me 10 minutes later and tells me Monkey is crying because they had to wait to be seated and he was signing food to her , obviously he was hungry . People must think that I starve the kid or something every where we go he ask for food even if he just ate . So they finally get seated and Monkey starts pretending to eat the food off the menu , and every time the waitressPosted by So today is my first day of being unemployed . Yesterday I resigned , so my official job now is a stay at home mom . I feel really good about this , there is nothing more I would want to do . I am very happy that my supervisor was very understanding and she told me that I can always go back , but I don 't think that I will be going back to the banking business , I will finish my Political Science degree and maybe even go to Law School . I start school in the spring and I know that it will be hard especially since Jose will also be going back for his Masters , in the spring too . The good thing is that Jose will do it online and one class at a time . I won 't be going full time either but I will be taking at least two classes a semester . Well I have to go because my sister and my cousin , that is visiting from Costa Rica , will be coming over to go to the Water Park . Maybe I can get some new pictures to post . Gaby is 2 months old today and she had her Doctors appointment . I hate when they have to get shots , it just breaks my heart when I see the tears fall . Anyway . . . . the Dr . said that she is doing great . She is weighing 11lbs 6oz which is almost double her weight when she was born . She is smiling a lot and cooing , occasionally . She is sleeping most of the night , 6 - 8 hrs . I have to say that I am pretty lucky that both of my kids are good sleepers . Now if only Monkey Doodle would sleep in his toddler bed things would be perfect . The other day he got out of the crib , very scary . Monkey Doodle is doing good with Gaby , he just doesn 't know his strength , but he is very sweet with her , gives her kisses all the time and always wants to help . He is talking a lot , repeats everything we say so we have to be careful now . I have been trying to potty train him and now he tells me that he is going to poop but by the time we get to the bathroom he is already done , but I am not in any hurry , I know that he will eventually go to the potty when he is ready . I have been feeling pretty good , I walk 2 - 3 times a week about an hour every time , but last week it rained the whole week and this past two days I have had so many things to do and tomorrow I have to go to my job and tell them that I am not going back , I am very nerves . I am very happy , I have lost 17lbs since Gaby was born , and I am planning on losing a lot more I want to go back to what I weigh when I got married . I hoping that Gaby starts sleeping through the night , and it looks like little by little she sleeps a little longer . On Sunday night she went to bed at 9pm and woke up at 6am if only I could have fallen asleep too it would have been great . Last night she slept 6 hours , I am crossing my finger that it stays this way . Yesterday I was having flu like symptoms I think it could have been block ducts , today I am feeling a lot better , I am just very sleepy . Luckily my sister is here and she can watch Monkey Doodle while I go and take a nap . I have been having trouble falling asleep , and I am not sure why , I just toss and turn for about 2 hours and then I can 't stay asleep . Saturday was my Golden Birthday and we celebrated by going to Orlando without the kids . Yeah it was wrong not taking them but they would not enjoy it , they are too little . We went to Animal Kingdom to try the new Everest ride , and to Sea World because Jose had never been there . It was great , we left the kids with my mother and she was more than happy to take them . On Saturday we went to Sea World , I think the last time I was there was when I was 16 , not much has changed they have this new ride Kranken , very scary . I don 't know what it is , maybe it is because I am getting older or all the stories you hear about people getting hurt on rides , but there is a point right before we drop that I want to yell and get the hell off the ride . I know it silly but you just never know what could happen . Anyway . . . After Sea World we had dinner at Downtown Disney to Portobello and it was delicious , I had lobster tails with pasta and Jose had a steak with potatoes . On Sunday we went to Animal Kingdom , we really like this park , it like a big Zoo , they have Everest a roller coaster and the ride is AWESOME , really there is a part where you go backwards in the pitch dark . In Animal Kingdom they have a lot of shows too and we saw Finding Nemo the Musical , and it was good . Thats all we did there because we have seen everything when we went 3yrs ago , plus we are going back in November with the kids , to make it up to them . We got a 3 day pass that we can use until Dec 24 for any Disney Park and Sea World has a Fun Pass which you pay for one day and come back for the rest of the year . I know that Anthony will like Animal Kingdom and Sea World because of all the animals that they have , I just can 't wait to take them well mainly Anthony even though he won 't remember going there this young . I am so happy that we did this trip I think it was necessary , don 't get me wrong we love our kids but sometimes you need alone time . Jose took the camera to work , I am not sure why but as soon as he brings it back it will post pictures . Monkey Doodle he is to cute . Yesterday I made Cinnamon Rolls and two were left . Today I was feeding Gaby I noticed that Monkey Doodle was quiet . Well it was because he got to the rolls . He ate them both . I joke a lot with Jose about him having A . D . D . , but today he has proved it . I was in he living room on the laptop , and he was in the kitchen washing the dishes , then he went upstairs to upload his IPOD . I 'll just post the picture and you tell me if he has ADD or not . I swear this is exactly as he left it . There is soap and water still in the bottle . Yesterday started off as a good day . Jose went fishing with my brother and my sisters boyfriend . Jose planned for us to go to dinner and a movie with his sister and her boyfriend . I left the kids at my moms in the early afternoon we came back home had a 2 hour nap , very needed , got up went to the Sawgrass Mills Mall , it 's a giant Outlet Mall with a movie theater . On our way out of the parking spot and car hit us , the bastard thought he could get by fast enough so he sped up and hit the back of my car , He took the bumper completely off . I was so pissed I started banging on the stirring wheel and yelling at the guy which turns out to be a barely 18 year old kid . I swear parking lots don 't like me in December on my way to lunch I hit a customer 's car , but I sincerely did not see him . But the kid from last night I saw him from the stop sign that was 25 feet away . My car was on Drive when he hit me but guess who 's fault it is MINE UNBELIEVABLE he clearly was to blame but because I am the one leaving the parking spot . I was fuming , but I feel better now . I have never had so much bad luck with a car , two days after getting my car , someone in the parking lot dented my side door , then in December the accident , and in February , when I was in Costa Rica , Jose went to the Mall and someone hit the bumper again and left a huge scratch , yes they left , and now this . I think this car has bad karma . I have had the car for less then a year , actually it will be a year at the month . Anyway . . . . Last night Gaby did so good she let us sleep , she did not wake up till 5 : 30 am , Anthony is with my mom on his way here because she is going to a cruise with my sis and both grandma 's . He stayed at her house because he was sleeping and we did not want to wake him up . Anthony has so much fun when he 's at my moms everyone spoils him . Yesterday he was " helping " my dad who is restoring a car for fun . I thought he looked so cute . The past week Gaby has not been sleeping well at night . I think she has day and night mixed up . Last night was the first in a long time that I got 5 hrs of sleep in a row . The night before I let her cry and she fell asleep , after 20 minutes of crying . She has been spoiled bad and its all my fault , I just love to hold her because she is so little , Anthony never really liked to be held , so when night time comes around of course she wants to be held . I have also tried to keep her up during the day , which helped . I can 't believe that she 'll be a month old on Sunday , time goes by so fast . Even though I am sleep deprived I am getting my things done . I still cook and clean , and I am not even cranky . I have to say that I am very happy , with bags under my eyes and everything . HAHA ! Today I went out with the two kids on my own . We went to the mall and then had lunch with my mom at her job . It was crazy trying to leave the house , it took me at least a hour just to get out of the house . Then at the mall I had Monkey Doodle in the stroller and Gaby in the Kangaroo hanging thing I am not sure what its called . Luckily she is not that heavy and I was able to deal with it . I have not gotten the double stroller yet , and I am not sure that I am going to get one anyway , because the Doodle is getting old enough to walk on his own . But that was my day a little hectic but now I know that I can manage the two out on my own , now I can go out during the day more often then being stuck here at home , not that I don 't like being home just some days you have to go out . It has been a month since I have not been working , and it feels perfect , I don 't have the stress that I had , and I am a more like able person . I do what I like , I cook everyday . Jose likes that he gets home and dinner is done . Monkey Doodle is doing good , he is very helpful around the house , he put Gaby 's diapers in the garbage , he feeds the cat , and even helps me when I am cooking I ask him to bring me something and he gets it for me . We make tents together and study the alphabet . He repeats the letters but I don 't think he knows yet what he is doing . Yesterday I was making pizza for lunch and he took the pepperonis and put them all in his mouth , he thought it was hilarious , but I did manage to get some before he ran off for the pizza . Monkey 's Tent . He loved it . Monkey feeding the cat . Monkey shoving pepperonis in his mouth . Last night was my sister High School Graduation , so the whole family was there . My moms mom and her husband , and my step dad 's parents . Anyway on the way to the car my grandmother says I have something for Anthony . When it comes to her you have to worry about her giving you things , I am not sure were she gets all this crap , yes crap . She sometimes even picks up stuff from garbages . YUCK ! She is a Pack Rat . Anyway Monkey Doodle got the Ugliest Wannabe Nemo , and he is in love with it . I am trying to get rid of stuff and here she is adding to it . I just had to vent . We had a quiet weekend . Saturday we went to Las Olas Riverfront had pizza at this little pizza place it was so good , then we went Jose 's cousins house and watched a movie Children of Men . It was pretty good . Yesterday we stayed home most of the day and Gaby had colic , it was pretty bad . She didn 't sleep much during the day only 10 mins at a time then she would wake up screaming , my poor little princess . Last night I found some drops for colic and it worked like a charm . She slept from 8pm - 12 : 30am , she was making up for the time she did not sleep during he day . Today she has been doing great she is taking a nap right now and so is the monkey doodle , we are enjoying the quiet time . That will end pretty soon when the doodle get up . My little girl is a week old . She has been great , she wakes up every 3 - 4 hours to eat . She was a little jaundice but thats going away now , I hate that they have to slice her little foot to get blood , I hate to see my babies in pain , but besides that she has been doing great . When we left the hospital she weight 5lbs 10oz but yesterday she was up to 6lbs 4oz thats a lot . Breastfeeding has been going really well . With Anthony it did not go so well , but this time I think I was more prepared and I have not given her any formula like I did with Monkey Doodle , think that that was a big mistake that I did . Being home has been great I do not miss work at all I love being home cooking and keeping the house clean . I do have to get into a routine , so that I can be more organized . Monkey Doodle has been doing better than we thought with Gaby , he does try to help . Its very cute , he throws away the diapers in the trash and if he hears her cry he tries to give her the pacifier , its adorable . He gives her kisses and rubs her head . He not comfortable holding her , I have tried to sit him down so he can hold her and he says no , and makes a silly face then runs off . That has been our first week and it has gone pretty well , I have to say that we are really lucky to have good kids . I am not saying they are perfect because Monkey Doodle does drive me crazy sometimes , like when he found the permanent marker and wrote all over the kitchen cabinets , walls , his high chair and MY D & B Bag . Thats life we can 't control everything . I will post more pictures as soon as I upload them to the computer . I have never done this before , I have no idea how it will turn out . Here are the rules : Each player starts with eight random facts / habits about themselves . People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules . At the end of your blog , you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names . Don 't forget to leave them a comment telling them they 're tagged , and to read your blog . Here we go . . . . . 1 . We have been home with Gaby for about 24 hours . 2 . Anthony is not too happy about the addition to the family , but I am sure he will get used to it . At least he hasn 't tried to do anything mean to her . 3 . I have bruises on my hands because retarded people tried to put an IV on me , it hurts like hell . On my left hand the front and even my knuckles have bruises , on the right hand they tried to take it from the wrist , and they screwed up that bruise looks really bad my whole wrist is purple . Its nothing like the Mayo Clinic in MN , I guess I was spoiled the first time . 4 . I am wondering how I am going to manage this week with two kids and with sleep deprivation . 5 . I hope that we can follow our budget so that I don 't have to go back to work in three months . 6 . I LOVE the show " It 's Always Sunny in Philadelphia " , I can not wait till the season starts in the Summer . My supervisor and I would watch the show on Wed . night and talk all morning about it the next day at work and laugh our heads off , it one of those shows you have to watch to understand . Our co - workers used to think we were crazy . 7 . I like that most our neighbors are around our age . Jose and I have noticed that they all have dogs and at least one BIG Truck and we have two kids , a cat and a Mazda6 . We are the odd balls . lol ! But we all get along really well and they all love Anthony to death , and they are very happy about the new baby too . 8 . I have to say that I am very happy with my life . I would not change a thing . The only think I have left to accomplish Is finish with my degree , I know that it will be hard with aPosted by We have been home for about 2 hours . Gaby ate and is now taking a nap , I wanted to take a nap but can 't fall asleep . Jose has been great he won 't let me do anything , I could get used to this . Monkey Doodle is at my Godmothers house and he does not miss us at all . He will be going to my moms house later today , and of course my mom is thrilled , I am so happy that we are in Florida and not some other state where no family can help . So maybe Florida is not so bad . I can 't believe that they let us go home so early , but I am glad that I am home . I could not sleep when I finally got Gaby to fall asleep we got company in the next bed at 2 : 30 A . M . They talked the whole time and did not turn off the light until 6A . M . and at 6 : 30 A . M . they came in to take blood from me , so I could say that I did not sleep . Well I have to catch up on my shows that I missed yesterday , I am so happy that we have a DVR , it will definitely come in handy now that I have two kids at home . Yes I am in the hospital , with the laptop . I feel very good , I am walking around as if nothing happened . It all went so fast , really the epidural never even kicked in , it was crazy . I pushed 3 times and she was out , Jose almost missed it . He had gone home to have lunch , and 1 second before he walked in she was out . Gabriela 6 lb 19 inWe are waiting to be taken to our room , and wait for family members to come see us . I am hoping to be home by Saturday . Well I have to go they might come for us very soon . We 'll update later . My Due date , well not all gone , there is still 3hrs and 10 mins . I went to the Dr yesterday and he 'll induce me on Thursday , I have to go in the morning but I am hoping that I do go into labor before then . I have been walking and working around the house I got a lot done . Last Friday was my last day at work it feels great being at home , I hoping that we can stick to our budget so that I don 't have to go back at least until Monkey Doodle starts school . We 'll see . . anyway we are ready for Gaby to come home , I am not even freaking out about the labor I just want to have her in my arms and look at her . I am very excited , the baby shower was great it turned out so nice , lavender and pink my mom made the center pieces , they were made out of baby diapers with bunny 's on the top , and the food was good too , scramble eggs , bacon , sausage , toast , and a bunch of different pastries that looked really good , and we also had a chocolate fountain my favorite with strawberries and bananas . Just writing about it makes me hungry . Well I have to go , I am going to check my bag to make sure that I haven 't forgotten anything for the hospital . I know I haven 't mentioned this pregnancy that much , its just that Anthony keeps me very busy . Things are good . I have not gained that much , a total of 8lbs . I have to go to the DR every week now . Next week I have to get a sonogram done because my Dr wants to see how big the baby is , since the baby looks small and I have not gained much weight , he says he is not worried because I don 't have diabetes or blood pressure issues . I asked my mom to go with me just for support . I do think the reason I have not gained to much weight is that I have been eating healthier , I eat more often and not to much junk food , lots of fruits and home cooked meals . My Baby Shower is next weekend , my mom and my god mother are hosting it @ a Hotel it 's going to be a brunch for about 30 - 35 women . I am very excited , and can 't wait . Well I am in the nesting stage of my pregnancy this morning it our room then I am heading to the kids room a lot has to be done , and not much time left . CHEESEEEE ! For the past couple of months we let Monkey Doodle eat on his own but this has got to be the most messiest he has ever gotten . He always uses his hands to feed himself even though he knows that the spoon is the utensil that he is supposed to use . He holds the spoon in his right hand and uses his left to eat . He is definitly going to need a bath after this . So this passed weekend we did a lot of work around the house . Especially Monkey 's room because he is going to share a room in three months with his baby sister . So we got rid of a bunch of cloths one garbage bag , a basket and one suitcase full of cloths . We gave it to a friend of mine who recently had a baby boy . Also this weekend my mother got Monkey a toddler bed he has to start to get used to sleeping in it . He does not like it , but last night he slept the whole night , I did hear him complain for about 20 sec . around 5 am , that 's about it . This morning Jose was getting ready to leave and he wanted to see that Monkey was OK and our poor little monkey was sleeping on the floor on his pillow between the bed and the rocking chair . This is Monkey Doodle waking up this morning . NAP TIME I knew that I would have a problem with Monkey taking a nap on his bed , but I thought just give him a bottle and he 'll go to sleep . Well I thought it was working since i did not hear him . About a hour after I put him down I hear him playing , I did not want to go in the room because maybe he would fall asleep and if he saw me he might start crying . Silence and them i hear paper tearing , I am wondering where can he get paper from . I had completely forgotten that Jose bookcases are still in Monkeys room . When i went in the room it was to late monkey had destroyed two books . The bad news is that Jose does not know yet , you are the first to find out . That 's not all he did he took his cloths out that took us all day Saturday to organize , and went crazy with his toys . I hope you enjoy the pictures of what Monkey 's room looked after his nap , which I don 't think that he took , by the looks of it . That sneaky little Monkey . Doesn 't he look Innocent ? NOT In this picture I was asking him what happened ? All he said was HUH ! No I do not have a Grandma Silvia , we went to the theater yesterday and that was the name of the play . It was pretty funny . Its one of those plays where you are part of it , Jose actually got to carry the the coffin in and was being followed by the retarded grandson named Mark , and also was asked to try out to be a GO - GO boy after the funeral by the son of the funeral owner that made the funeral parlor into " Club Mortuary " at nights . I have heard of other plays that are like this one , I know there is one of a wedding , that one I am sure would be a lot more interactive because it more of a reception , and people are not sitting in rows like the funeral was . At least we got to do something new and some free time with out my monkey even though we missed him a lot but I think sometimes it is necessary , thank goodness for grandparents . I have to say that my husband is so greedy , he won 't let me play with the NEW IPOD that I bought for him . Yeah I bought it for him but he should at least let me see it once . I think he thinks that I am going to lose it because I lost my Nano Ipod recently I have no idea where it may have gone . I got it X - mas of 2005 and used it for like 3 months , then the fever died its true , I am not an electronic gadget kind of person . I prefer purses , clothes , shoes , but you know , the WII does sound kinda neat , and the whole family can play , so its not that bad . Well I am going to go , maybe he will lend it to me now . Monkey and my little cousin Carolina . It has been a long time , lots has gone on Monkey is a lot bigger and very demanding . He hates when anyone touches my belly he says it his . I have told him that the baby is there and he gives her kisses and rubs it , but if someone else does it he gets mad and pushes them away and there are times when he hits that person including his father . This morning he told us to pretty much be quiet , we where having breakfast and he was playing with his food , so I told him to stop , and he replied by putting his finger on his mouth and said ssh ! We were completely amazed that he even knew how to do that . But yeah thats our 17 month old now . This was the most beautiful view it of the city San Jose . It was not easy going up this mountain to get to the resort where she got married the last 2 miles is dirt road and there is nothing protecting you from falling off the edge . My cousin Karla and her now husband Josue . I took 10 days off of work and went to Costa Rica with Monkey for my cousins wedding . I haven 't been in 6 years last time I went Jose and I had just met , and now I went back and they could not believe that I was married and had a growing family they were all so happy to see me . It was a lot of fun except for the part where Anthony got a stomach virus the day that we were leaving Florida , that was a nightmare lucky my grandma was with me and she was able to help me out . I am telling you if it wasn 't for her being there I would have canceled the whole trip . I had 3 changes of cloths and all 3 got dirty before we even got on the plane . I had to buy him a shirt at the airport to get him on the plane . For the next 3 days he was sick he barely ate and he did not want to sleep in the pack n play , this was the first time in his life that he slept with me in the same bed . He did not want to go with anyone , he wanted me to carry him all the time but of course I can 't he is way to heavy for me to carry . He also had four teeth coming in at the same time . After a couple of days he was back to his noPosted by I am a mother of two humans and two cats : Anthony aka Monkey Doodle ( 9 / 23 / 05 ) , Gabriela aka Gabylicious ( 5 / 10 / 07 ) , Moha ( 2 / 14 / 05 ) , and Spirit ( 7 / 16 / 09 ) . I am a wife to a great man . I used to want to be a lawyer , but now I am not so sure . |
Zarbibi was sixteen years old , and four months pregnant , when she murdered her husband by trying to decapitate him with a kitchen knife . On the day of the murder , she offered to give her husband a massage , binding his hands and feet to the bed before taking his life . " The next morning , even though I was at the police station , I felt happy that he didn 't live in the world anymore , " Zarbibi writes in the account that follows . " Free from him now for the first time , I felt as light as a balloon that could just fly away . " Though her crime was sensational , Zarbibi 's life was otherwise in keeping with the norms of her Afghan community in Iran , says her lawyer , human rights attorney Hossein Raeesi . In Iran , increasing access to education has made child marriage less common . However , many Afghan migrants , excluded from Iranian citizenship and economic opportunity , continue the practice of marrying off their young daughters for the financial reward it brings - typically , the equivalent of four to five thousand dollars . As Zarbibi describes , her family supported her educational pursuits until both her father and brother - the family 's sole breadwinners - became unable to work . " Because we no longer had men to make money I had to get engaged to a guy I had never met before . " At the age of thirteen she was legally committed to a man of twenty - five , and at fifteen she was formally married , and forced to quit her family home and her studies . " With my first steps into my new house I felt like I had walked into my own grave , " she writes . In addition to the limitations imposed by her gender and class , Zarbibi 's isolation made it all but impossible for her to reach out for help . At one crucial moment in the following narrative , she thinks to flee her husband . But , as Raeesi asks , " Where would she have gone ? For her , the situation into which she was forced proved as much of a prison as the literal one where the legal system ultimately sent her . " Raeesi first met Zarbibi in jail , after she had been sentenced to death , and encouraged her to write the diary printed here as " both as a kind of therapy as well as a way to explain her story to the public . " This unedited document captures the distress of a young woman who wanted the right to choose when and whom to marry , as well as the uncertainty of a young mother contemplating her daughter 's future . Though the arc of her narrative can be confusing at times , her writing demonstrates a talent for self - expression , one made all the more remarkable considering her limited learning and marginal cultural place . " While her crime is exceptional , " says Raeesi , " the intense feelings that seemed to have motivated it articulate the struggle of so many women in similar positions . " According to Sharia law , the victim 's family can pardon , and thus acquit , a murderer of her or his crime . Following a lengthy defense , Zarbibi was pardoned by her husband 's family and released from her death sentence on the condition that she marry her late husband 's brother , with whom she he has since had two more children . Her freedom remains highly restricted and her daughter , born in prison , is not allowed to attend school . Out of concern for her safety and privacy , we are withholding Zarbibi 's full name . My little sister Havva was the first one of us girls to become a mother , though she still didn 't look like one . A child herself , only eleven years old , she had been married off to a man fifteen years older than her and from a much different world . Though very young , I knew about the pain my little sister endured , both physically and mentally . When she used to cry to come home , my father would bribe her with popcorn and cookies to stay with her husband . How could he do that ? I swear to God I wouldn 't even give away a single strand of my own precious daughter 's hair against her will . After poor Havva it was my sister Negar 's turn to marry . Negar was the third child in my family , the youngest . Since she married the brother of Havva 's husband , they both became sisters - in - law as well as actual sisters . Why is my family cursed in this way ? My mother thought that she could " save " her daughters from loneliness by marrying them off at such a young age . She had no idea how bad this other life could be . It killed me to see both of my sisters suffering . The thought that I might have to endure the same fate became my worst nightmare , something that terrified me since I was a very small girl . For me , the word " husband " meant " monster . " My heart broke when Negar moved out of our childhood home , and her heart broke too . She had been so attached to our family that she became severely depressed when living with her new husband . Her depression got even worse when she became pregnant with twins . One day we were playing together and all of a sudden she started screaming and shrieking and pulling out her hair . It scared me so much I almost peed myself . Unfortunately ( or maybe fortunately ? ) her babies died in labor . At least she was lucky enough to endure the pain of childbirth at the age of fourteen or fifteen , a few years later than Havva . Because we no longer had men to make money I had to get engaged to a guy I had never met before . One day when I was coming home from school I saw one of my relatives look at me in a strange way . I could tell something was wrong . When I got home I found my father crying . I knew he loved me a lot . He used to tell people , " I would not marry my little Zarbibi off till her hair turns as white as her teeth . " Wow . How quickly my hair must have turned the color of my teeth ! Later that night , when I told the family that I would refuse to go through with it , my mother lashed me so hard that my skin started crying for me . A pool of blood formed on my back , soon hardening into a dried cake . I ran away from my mother and future husband to the bathroom , quickly locking the door behind me . I just didn 't want to sleep with him . To me it seemed like the worst thing imaginable . The ground felt so cold that my feet started trembling . My mother threatened that she wouldn 't let me go to school if I didn 't come out of the bathroom . I loved school and studying so much that I would do anything for the chance to attend . I told her that I would come out of the bathroom if she would not make me go to him . There was no response . When they dragged me out of there they nearly beat me to death . I don 't know why my new husband wouldn 't try to stop it , since I now belonged to him . You 'd think he 'd want to protect me from harm . The next day my mother took me to school and told the principal that she didn 't want her daughter in classes anymore because she was misbehaving at home . The principal , who didn 't know anything about my situation , asked me not to misbehave so that my mother would let me return to my studies . I was too shy to tell the truth . Immediately in my marriage to him I longed for my father so much that I felt like I 'd explode . I wanted to call out to someone , anyone , who could save me , but there was no one except God . And I guess God was wearing earplugs . I can never forget the horror of being forced together with this man . I was only thirteen years old and had been married to someone much older , at the height of his masculine power , free to treat his wife however he chose without any regard for me . His cologne made me vomit . Two weeks after my marriage we went to my mother 's cousin 's wedding and we were planning to stay at this relative 's house for the night . I played with my relatives ' daughters all day long , having a great time . For one moment I felt free again , like a child . Out of nowhere my mother called me and said that I should gather all my siblings and go to my own home . I was very upset , and didn 't know why she 'd intervene like this . Then my sixth sense told me that my husband had probably come over to my family 's house , insisting that my mother make me return . I begged her to let me stay at my aunt 's house , but she refused . Sure enough , as soon as I took my younger relatives to my childhood home I saw him there . Convinced now that he was the cause , I slammed the door on him and went to the kitchen . I sat there for a little while . Then , I saw some detergent on the counter . I grabbed the bottle and swallowed at least a glass full . I got so sick that I filled the whole kitchen with vomit . My mother came in frantically because of my screaming , and when she saw me so sick she started yelling for help and ran out of the house . Oh my God , it felt like my body was burning from the inside and that nothing would put out the fire . I was sure I would die . I wish I did ! Had I died then , my family and my child would not suffer for what I ended up doing . After I got engaged , one of my sisters and her children moved back with us to escape her awful husband . The shame it brought to our family actually saved me from my fiancé for a while . I knew she upset everyone for escaping her marriage , but I 'm glad she did it . At that time my brother got into some trouble with drug dealing and had to run away . My father was away in Afghanistan , and the police detained my mother in his place . Then my sister took what little money we had left to go look for my brother to help us , leaving just us kids - me , my baby sister , and my other sister 's children - without men to protect us . I lived in terror that if my brother - in - law found out he would come take his kids away forever . Despite the fear of abandonment , I was happy that my fiancé couldn 't come over to our house anymore , grateful to find myself so independent . One evening he came and knocked at the door . I stayed frozen , telling him that I couldn 't open the door for anyone as long as my mother was away . My shocked little sister just stared at me . After half an hour of trying to get me to unlock the door , he got tired and left . That day , at least , it seemed as if God had given me two wings to fly away . I forgot all of my sorrow . All I could think of was the joy of not being with him at that moment . I bet no one would believe me , but even one second with him became like a thousand hours for me . Around that time we lived in the same building as a grocery store beside an alley . My sister , brother , and nephew all had worked there once in a while . Thank God that we didn 't starve to death . We would have all died of poverty if it weren 't for the owner at the store who employed us . To this day I pray for him to get everything he wants in life . He knew about our situation and helped us tremendously . I used to lie awake nights , longing for the time when I was very little and my father would take care of us . He liked me more than any of his other children . I was quite spoiled . I never thought I could fall so quickly from my father 's strong shoulders and onto the cold hard ground . My uncles didn 't even come to see us at this time out of shame because my sister had separated from her husband . The only person who came to see us was Haji Jalal , my mother 's cousin . Even he just visited for a few minutes , visibly upset over the shame my sister brought to us , as he quickly went back to his house . At nights I was scared to death alone in the house . I would usually prop up a blanket in front of the window , so that if someone was looking in from outside they would think that it was an adult asleep near the children . I would then go and sleep in the middle of the room . When the kids would come back home from work , they were always careful not to wake me . They would sleep in their wet clothes , since it was too cold to change . To this day I don 't understand how during this time none of the kids complained . After such a harsh life , I really hope they 've all come to realize their greatest dreams as they 've grown older . Despite the fear of being alone , I remember being so happy that my future husband couldn 't touch me . When I 'd leave home to go to school , he used to chase me through the neighborhood . I 'd try to escape from him as best I could . Then suddenly , when my father returned from Afghanistan , my fiancé came with his father to take me away . My father talked to me and said that it wasn 't right for me to just stay engaged , and since my mother was not around I should go to my new husband 's house . At first I refused to go , and that worked for a little while . Soon , however , my father - in - law insisted that my family deliver me to his home . Nobody - not my father , mother , or sisters - even asked me if I was ready . At times I wonder whether they considered me a human being or a lamb to sacrifice for their own good . I had worked so hard to give to my family , and I loved them very much . I would never have abandoned them under any circumstances . Within the safe confines of my family , I felt independent , able to be a daughter and sister . I could also never have imagined myself forced to become somebody 's wife . Besides , school had just started ! Whenever I saw my cousin going to school , I 'd get so excited and jealous . I dreamt of going to school too , and I couldn 't understand how some kids in my neighborhood didn 't like to study . I 'll never forget the first day I finally went to school . I felt like I could fly down the road to the schoolhouse . Every year I would get so nervous during registration time , terrified they wouldn 't let me return to my studies . Anyway , on the twenty - eighth day of Ramadan it happened . I couldn 't believe it . I kept waiting for God to help me . My sisters and a lot of other relatives and friends showed up at our house . All of a sudden my sister burst out crying so loud that she made all the others cry . I was still too shocked to show any emotion . I don 't know when I finally fell asleep , but once I did I felt something cold on my hand . When I opened my eyes , they were putting henna on my palms . To me , it felt like an oppressive shroud . I hope no one ever has to go through this experience . It might not seem like a big deal , but it was to me . The next day I kept waiting for a miracle so I wouldn 't have to go . Nothing happened . I cried so much I couldn 't even walk . My misery had just begun . I was hopeless . With my first steps into my new house I felt like I had walked into my own grave . My husband 's house was next to a garden I used to pass by when I played as a child . Strange , but I had always been afraid of that garden , sensing some danger there . I now realize why I feared it . Stepping now into his yard , I felt like I started to choke . My sister came with me the first time I went to my husband 's house . ( She knew what would happen if she didn 't . ) I actually couldn 't breathe . I wish my sister hadn 't come that day , so I could have killed myself . She stayed with me for just one night , returning to her home in Shiraz the next day . I had only been in my husband 's home for a week when I had an excuse to return to my neighborhood for a party . When I went back to my family home , the first thing I did was to go to my old school to see my friends . They all asked me why I hadn 't been going to school . I was too embarrassed to tell them the truth . When I told my family I really wanted to go back to school , they all laughed at me . They said , " Young lady , you won 't be staying with us long enough to go back to school . " I can 't believe that my greatest dream went down the drain . They thought that I was a grown - up , just because I was tall . They didn 't know how much I felt like a child . I just liked playing with kids , going to the park , and attending school . I never felt ready to have a husband and become a housewife . After our first few months together my husband had become really upset with me . I didn 't want him to be angry , but it was his fault I felt so miserable . During the day I 'd do what I could to keep far away from him , but at night I had to sleep next to him . Our room was next to my father - in - law 's room . When we fought , I 'd fear that he would hear us , so I tried not to say anything . When he beat me I 'd cry , not so much because of the pain , but because I had to sleep next to him . I 'd tell myself that I should be sleeping next to my parents and my adorable little brother . My husband would first try to talk with me , then we 'd argue , and then he 'd start getting physical . I wanted to die , just so he couldn 't touch me anymore . When he put his hands on me , I was just a piece of meat for him to devour as he wished . Around this time we were picking some sour oranges from a tree in the neighborhood . All of a sudden I felt sick to my stomach and threw up . One of the older female relatives started laughing and seemed really happy . I couldn 't believe it : I was pregnant . It had been a month since I saw my parents . Like a crazy person in jail , I drew a line on a wall to count each day that I had not seen them . I figured out it had been exactly thirty days . Then , in the early evening , my mother came to take me home . My husband at first refused to let me go with her because we had just fought the night before , but my kind father - in - law , who pretended not to know what was going on , assured his son that it was all right to let me leave . I went to a gynecologist the next day . All this time I had hoped that I could somehow escape my marriage . Meanwhile , everyone in my family thought that I would change after a while and just accept it like the other girls . So many girls were in worse marriages than mine , but after a while they 'd surrender to the inevitable . I don 't know why I couldn 't change and become like the others . So many times I 'd try to talk to myself , saying to just live with it , but nothing worked . When I found out that my sweetie Nazzi was in my stomach , I would tell myself that she would one day become another girl married off just like me . We were destined to share the same future . She 'd be better off not coming into this world . She 'd be better off dead . Once I got pregnant , I insisted that I wouldn 't go back to my husband 's house . I told those around me that I wanted a divorce , but nobody took me seriously . I went to a bus station to get a ticket for Zahedan , near the border . I thought I 'd first just get away , then I 'd decide what to do next . But when I got ready to go , I couldn 't leave the house . I was too scared , so I just sat on the stairs and started crying . When my sister came in and saw my bag and my ticket , we watched our mother go into the kitchen , pick up a knife , and try to kill herself over the shame I was bringing her . We struggled to take the knife from her . I saw that her body was badly bruised from beating herself up . I then realized that my family couldn 't help me at all . I had been married already for eight months , and I was now four months pregnant . I felt horrible this last time I was at my mother 's house . I kissed the walls of my home , and there was so much crying among us that I almost fainted . My husband came to take me home around Friday afternoon . Usually it took me forever to finally agree to go home with him . This time , however , was different . I just decided to go . A few minutes before we left , I went to the kitchen and grabbed a knife . I decided to take it with me . I don 't even know why I took a knife from my family 's house when we had a knife at his house too . Every mean word he said and every little way he acted out in anger now made me more determined to take action . I felt in that moment like a strange energy had come over my body . Even though I kept telling myself that he is young and has hopes for the future as well as parents and a sister who love him , I would suddenly forget about all that . I couldn 't talk myself out of it , and finally that evil night came to pass . I had suddenly become a murderer , a person who had taken somebody else 's life for her own selfish happiness . I never wanted to have my life story turn out like this . I blame myself , but also I blame them for it . I don 't know if whoever reads my story will hate me or not , but it doesn 't matter because it 's the truth . I couldn 't believe after it was over that I no longer belonged to someone else . The next morning , even though I was at the police station , I felt happy that he didn 't live in the world anymore . I really wanted to experience breathing my own breath someday outside of the court and the jail without being scared of him or having people talk about me as a married woman . I wish I could go back to a time when nobody even mentioned his name . Even so , free from him now for the first time , I felt as light as a balloon that could just fly away . The first five months in jail I didn 't know the difference between being imprisoned and being free . It hadn 't changed much for me . On the 20th of December , late in the evening , I gave birth to my darling Nazzi . I was sixteen . I didn 't think she would live . I told myself that if she did she would definitely become disabled . But God gave me a healthy little girl . It was then that I realized what life was all about . Her innocent face made me cry just to look at her . My sweetie was just three months old when I was sent to court . It was very cold and dark at the precinct where I stayed before my trial . Thank God I had taken a blanket with me for my little girl . The court quickly finished and I was convicted . I started making artificial flowers and little dolls to raise money . My family would sometimes help me financially and would bring things for my sweetie , from clothes to toys and so much more . My husband 's family didn 't even bother to bring a pair of socks for her . It was a difficult time . To raise an innocent girl among these people who had their own problems wasn 't easy . But my sweetie was becoming more beautiful and energetic day by day . She was very smart and clever and in spite of her young age she was aware of everything . She quickly knew where we were and why we were there . I wanted her to know my version of things before somebody else told her a different story . In spite of all these hardships , she grew up very quickly . Then one horrible day they called me to go to family court . That day my nightmare of her being taken away from me began . Each time my in - laws came I would make up an excuse for them not to take my daughter away from me and they would leave . The last few times my in - laws came I kissed their feet and begged them so much not to take my child away from me that I was exhausted . Each time they came to take her , all the inmates were in mourning . My poor little child would cry so much that she didn 't have any energy any more either . When my in - laws ' lawyer came and saw my daughter , he too was very upset that this was happening . He 'd say , " I really don 't want to separate you from your daughter , but nothing can prevent this . " I knew I had to be punished for what I had done . I had deprived a mother from seeing her own child , and now my mother - in - law wanted revenge . I hated myself for being so powerless , both inside the prison and outside of it . When I was outside I couldn 't decide for myself and now I couldn 't decide for my daughter in jail . I then realized that my existence didn 't matter at all . I don 't know what whoever reads this journal will think of me . Please believe me that I was in such a situation that I couldn 't use my brain . I tried very hard to work on myself and live with my husband . I really did . But I just couldn 't make it work . I was only sixteen and had no life experience . I beg you to pull me out of this trap if you can . I haven 't lived that long , and I am just now noticing the meaning of life . I don 't think sixteen years of living is enough to see the world . I lived in an inferno for five years and five months . Only God knows how much I suffered then . I hope that God and my husband 's family have forgiven me . I do know that Nazzi 's father must have forgiven me because he alone witnessed how much I was suffering . Hossein Raeesi is an attorney with considerable expertise in Iran 's justice system . Born and raised in Iran , Raeesi has practiced both criminal and civil law , but his main focus remains on human rights . For over twenty years he has defended hundreds of clients , more than fifty on death row . Formerly a part of the board of directors of the Bar Association , where he was active in training young lawyers , he founded the Nedayeh Edalat Association ( Voice of Justice ) and worked with numerous other NGOs in conducting workshops for the community in partnership with domestic and international organizations . His private practice in Shiraz , Iran , served as a safe haven for political , religious , and ethnic minorities at legal risk for incarceration . Due to political persecution by the Islamic Republic of Iran , Raeesi was forced to relocate to Toronto , Canada , in 2012 , where he currently resides with his wife and two children . He is currently writing a memoir of his human rights work in Iran , which will include the diaries of female prisoners he defended . For more information visit www . hosseinraeesi . com . Roger Sedarat , an Iranian - American writer and translator , is the author of two poetry collections : Dear Regime : Letters to the Islamic Republic and Ghazal Games : Poems . His translations of classical and modern Persian verse have appeared in World Literature Today , Arroyo , and Drunken Boat . Current projects include the translation of Hossein Raeesi 's memoir and the diaries of the imprisoned women he represented . Sedarat teaches poetry and literary translation at Queens College , City University of New York . Katherine Rowland Katherine Rowland is publisher of Guernica . Her reporting has appeared in Nature , the Financial Times , OnEarth , Green Futures , and Aeon , among other publications . She lives in Brooklyn . At Guernica , we 've spent the last 13 years producing uncompromising journalism . More than 80 % of our finances come from readers like you . And we 're constantly working to produce a magazine that deserves you - a magazine that is a platform for ideas fostering justice , equality , and civic action . If you value Guernica 's role in this era of obfuscation , please donate . |
I will try to make this as brief as I can . I have been journalling our " adventures " for awhile and for the sake of space , I will leave some things off . Someone may be interested in hearing my story . And it isn 't over yet . It all started in the summer of 2003 . Up till this point I had seen Mom only once a year , with her living in Florida and I living in Virginia . My son and his family and I had been taking our summer vacations in July or August of each year and we would go with Mom to the Beach House in Fort Myers Beach that we had been going to for the past ten or so years . That particular summer we went down in July , and I noticed that Mom was a little shakier in her walking , though she seemed to get around ok . She did take a couple of falls that shook us up though she was not hurt badly , only bruised . Also she was more unsteady was feeling " punk " to use her word . She was spending a lot of time in bed and sometimes I would call in the afternoon and she was still in bed . She said she wasn 't sleeping well at night . Then early in September her friend B called and told me that Mom had started talking about Dad , that she was waiting for him to come home , and that she was angry at him for leaving her stranded , and things like that . My father has been dead since the end of 1999 . Mom hadn 't said anything like that to me up to that point , but in the next day or so she began to say the same things to me over the phone about Dad . She was still complaining of feeling sick and wanting to stay in bed . Sometimes I would call and she would tell me B was there in bed ( which she wasn 't ) or that Dad was getting ready to get up , or that J and Dad were taking a nap . I am J and I was not there . Sometimes her mother ( my Nana , who had been dead at least ten years ) was there , too . . . . She was doing fine as far as taking care of her day to day routine , it was just that she was seeing people who weren 't there and had no memory of Dad 's passing away . She was so angry that he wasn 't there . Once B stopped by and Mom answered the door in her bra and panties . This was totally unlike my fastidious Mother . Another time B came by and Mom had candles lit all over the house . She said a little handicapped girl came in and lit them . . . . B and I both talked to Mom and explained to her that Dad was dead , and had She went in for an MRI and it revealed nothing , but her doctor thought maybe she 'd had a mini - stroke . She seemed to be coming out of that episode ok but I still was planning on flying down . Then less than a week before I was due to fly in , vandals slit the top of her convertible . That trauma threw her right back into it - " where is your father , he should be taking care of this stuff , he left me holding the bag again . " She was just as bad if not worse than before only she did know I was coming down and was looking forward to it . I was a little frightened of what I might find when I got down there , and I was not sure I could handle it emotionally , but I knew I had to go . two weeks and when I left she was as good , if not better , than before . She was even walking stronger . The only unusual thing she would say was " where are the dogs ? Aren 't there two dogs ? " We did have two dogs when I was growing up , but for as long as Mom has lived in Florida there has only been one dog . Still , that was minor . I believed our prayers had been answered , that Mom was going to be OK , but just to keep an eye on things I made arrangements to come back down in November and again in she said she was taking care of some children , but she wasn 't . " Isn 't there a little boy ? " she would ask . Over the phone I would talk to her and she would seem to clear up some . I started talking to her about moving up here to Virginia to be close to family . . . phone that she was upset because her mother and father and some other relatives were supposed to stop by and they hadn 't come yet or even called , and she had cooked a big meal and set the table and no one was there . We talked it out and she realized that of course they weren 't coming , and was even laughing about it , and said she would have plenty of leftovers to eat . So I started to worry again that maybe Mom had had . . . I flew down . . . The house was neat and clean , and there were no signs that Mom had been unable to do her routine housekeeping chores . However , Mom had a wild story to tell . She said she had taken a walk the night before and someone in her neighborhood was having a party , and While we were at the beach things really went downhill . Mom 's walking got shakier and shakier and I had to pull her up off the couch and help her into the dining room chair and steady her everywhere we went . As the days went on , I had to help her in and out of bed , too . . . . She was worried about a man who was staying near us , though , she commented a couple of times that she thought he was up to no good , but he was just a man on vacation with his wife or girlfriend . . . I was a nervous wreck keeping an eye out for her , fearing she would take a tumble . . . . At 3 : 00 AM she said she had to write bills . Several times she couldn 't find the bathroom . She didn 't want me to help her and became angry at me when I would try to help because I was being bossy . She went in the kitchen once and pulled down her pants because she thought she was in the bathroom . She heard people talking about her , saying , " What are we going to do with the old woman ? " She had to pee , and five minutes later she had to pee again . This went on every night for five out of the six nights we spent there . . . . So in the morning Mom was exhausted but didn 't remember anything that happened during the night , and I was exhausted and getting really , really worried . We got back to Mom 's house . . . I called Dr . G . . . right away and he said she might be having something called sundown syndrome and prescribed Risperdal for her . He said it would knock her out at night and take away those psychotic dreams , too . I picked it up at the drug store and she had her first dose that night . The Risperdal did no good that night . . . . Mom was up and down all night in spite of the Risperdal , and she even fell over a table in her room and . . . she needed to be lifted up into bed . . . It was like her arms and legs wanted to curl up and be stiff . About 2 : 00 AM we decided that we better take her to the hospital in the morning to get her checked out . . . . When she got up she was moving real , real slow but she was able to make it down the stairs . We told her where we were going . . . She thought we were being ridiculous but she went with us without a fight . In fact she even showed us where [ the ] hospital was located . house . . . . None of the tests showed anything except some atrophy in Mom 's brain , which was age related . Mom is 74 . There were no strokes , no vitamin deficiency , nothing . They tentatively put her in the Alzheimer 's category . Then they said they couldn 't keep her in the hospital any longer , and since there would be no one home with her , they . . . Mom still didn 't really know what was happening to her , but she was not happy . . . . My uncle in Ohio ( her brother ) emailed over a Power of Attorney form that we signed so that any legal bases would be covered . Mom was at this point walking , and she knew who we were , and she was not happy because she was not in her own house , but other than that she was pretty much out of it . . . . was holding her neck funny . I asked what happened to her neck and she said a brick fell on it . Then she said flowerpots fell on it . She thought they had her working there , making her lift heavy things and taunting her . What was really going on I have no idea . . . . The truth was , I just couldn 't take it any more . I needed to get back home where I was slurring and she was having a real hard time remembering things . . . . I called her every day and she would beg me to come get her out of there . It was torture for both of us . Finally on a whim I called her neurologist . . . They ran the same battery of tests on her . . . and came up Dr . D kept Mom in the hospital for three days , so she would qualify for Medicare in a skilled nursing facility . . . . She was taken off the Risperdal and was put on Aricept for the dementia and Cogentin for the muscle problems she was having . It was supposed to relax her and improve her mobility . He said she would be having physical therapy every weekday . By this time she was incontinent and not even feeding herself much , unable to walk , barely talking , and unable to hold her head up . Tests came back negative for Parkinson 's disease , but the doctor said that 's what Mom 's physical symptoms resembled . Mom also was given vitamin supplements and a diuretic because her feet were so swollen . . . . In mid October when I came down she had really worsened . The neurologist said her diagnosis was Lewy - Body Dementia and the outlook was pretty bleak . He thought maybe the Cogentin was too strong , so he replaced it with Sinemet . Almost immediately she improved and was able to feed herself and began advancing more in her physical therapy . Her confusion was still very noticeable though . She would pick imaginary things off her fingers and give them to me . . . . She was afraid of the water on the floor . ( no water was there ) . She was raped every morning . Once she told me I was there and I was raped , too . The nurses would pick her up and throw her against the wall . All this was going on in her head - the people [ there ] were wonderful to her . She thought a little gray animal shared her bed with her , and sometimes the nurses would share her bed with her , too . Sometimes a monkey or a bird would be in the corner or run across the room . Sitting and talking with her was a really strange experience . . . . One time when I called her on the phone she told me she had been bad and she and all the other residents were in jail . I didn 't know whether to direct her back to reality or not , so I just went along with her , as did her friends when they would come and visit . When I would disagree with her , she became angry , so I would just try to keep the peace . It seemed the only course of action was to get Mom up to Virginia to be closer to . . . me . . . . I got Mom a place in . . . the closest skilled nursing facility I could find and I was familiar with it , knowing it to be a clean and caring place , plus it was very close to my church . At the time I made those arrangements I made sure that it was a place Mom could stay permanently if her condition did not get any better , and that it would take Medicaid should finances run out . . . . Her voice was getting stronger over the phone and usually she held a good conversation , though sometimes she would have some wild stories . She seemed to think the place where she was staying was filled with children , and some of them were treated very badly . . . . Usually Mom was pretty happy , though . She had Remuron added to her list of prescriptions by now , which is an anti - depressant , and it seemed to be working . ( Up until August 2004 , Mom had never been on any medications and had never been sick . ) I was glad to see the change in her mood . Her mood swings caused me to have mood swings . No matter how crazy she was talking , if she was happy , I was happy , and I was miserable when she Mom still did not want to go to church . . . She didn 't seem to have any concept of Florida being so far away . She said she wanted to go back home . She said they were making her work too hard . . . I said , " You . . . Mom said she wanted to hear all about her problems from the beginning , because she couldn 't remember any of it . So I took her through everything , from the very beginning , so she would see why we were so worried about her and why we brought her up to Virginia . It was almost like I had my mother back . She was her old self and was even laughing at some of the things she had done . She said she understood why they were being so careful why she didn 't fall , and the need for her . . . E [ of the skilled nursing facility ] told me that in spite of how she seems to feel when I am around , most of the time Mom seems very content where she is , is usually in good spirits , and the only time she seems unhappy is when they are doing some of the physical therapy with her . She has never voiced any displeasure at where she is or even stated to anyone that she wants to go home . It seems that when she sees me , that 's mostly when those feelings arise in her . E said Mom is still in an adjustment period , and will need some time to fully settle in . . . . I mentioned that I was having thoughts of bringing Mom home to live with me when she is able to negotiate stairs better and E said we would have to see how it goes in therapy . She said I would feel really bad if something were to happen when I was not there or if I were sleeping , if Mom fell or wandered away or something . She was right , I don 't want anything bad to happen to my mother ! Later that day at work , Mom managed to get someone to let her call me . She said , " Do you know where to pick me up tomorrow ? " I said , " Yes , Mom , I know where you are . " She said , " Here at my job , right ? " I said , " I know where you are , Mom . Don 't worry . " She said , " I want to come tonight and spend the night . I thought I was going to spend the weekend with you . I don 't want to stay here . " I tried to convince her that she was right where she was supposed to be , but all she said was that I was in cahoots with them ( whoever " Them " is ) and all but hung up on me . . . . We drove through L so Mom could see the Christmas lights . She was very alert and talked about the different styles of buildings and how she enjoyed small towns and traditional Christmas decorations . . . . Mom was still good mentally on Sunday when I stopped by after church , and Monday when I came by after work . There was no depression or talk about me getting her " out of there . " Monday afternoon E called to tell me that this coming Wednesday is Mom 's last day covered by Medicare . Now I have to try to figure out how to handle financial matters . Mom will still continue to receive therapy under her secondary insurance , which is good , we have to get her walking up and down stairs ! Monday night Mom began asking me more questions about what had happened to her and what the diagnosis was . . . . . . . I went in to visit Mom . She was great . . . . I told her I was overjoyed that she was so much better now and she could help me make decisions for her now instead of me trying to do it all on my own . . . . She told me a man in therapy was trying to flirt with her today . She was in very high spirits . Before I left I helped her into the bathroom and she hardly needed my help at all . I am encouraged that pretty soon she may be well enough to move in with me . The neurologist is supposed to be in this week and examine Mom and talk to her , and I will be very interested to hear what he has to say . encouraged that she is pulling out of this dementia . Her walking is stronger and since her nails were so nicely polished , she is having no problems with small motor skills . . . . She had read almost all of her novel and spent a little time telling me about it , so I know she is comprehending the story . It is wonderful to just sit with Mom and discuss a book ! It is something I thought we 'd never be able to do again ! to go . Still , she was able to walk with a little help from me and hardly used the wheelchair at all . She said her lower back was hurting , My thoughts in all this vary from day to day . Some days I think she will do well in my house , surely she can practice and begin to navigate the stairs well enough and maybe we can find someone to come in on weekdays at lunchtime to take care of her lunch if she needs help . Then how much confusion she is experiencing ? . . . Most of all I want her to be happy , and have peace , but I also want her to be safe and shielded from danger . . . . Right now Mom is able to be very much included in this decision - making and I want her to be fully aware of everything we are thinking of . Now that the paranoia is gone and she is asking questions and is able to grasp and retain our conversations , and is remembering fully things that transpire every day , it is time to include her in her own future planning . I hope this will last and she will continue to improve , but I don 't know how long the medications will benefit her and every report I read is different as well as every patient being different . I am so afraid of making a wrong move . This is my precious Mother and I want to be sure she is receiving the best there is , and that I am doing the best I can . It is like walking on thin ice . The thought of taking a wrong step is terrifying . . . . very well for the rest of the year . She was living on her own , getting her own meals and taking care of her dog , her finances , and keeping house for herself in the little condo she had lived in for 30 years and loved so much . She was not driving , but she had several local friends who would pick up things from the store for her and carry her to the doctor when she needed to go . I am so glad she had the opportunity to go In October of 2005 Mom and her dog came up to visit with me to stay through the holidays . The weather was chilly for her and she stayed in her bed a lot , but she would come down for meals and that 's about it . After Christmas she couldn 't wait to go back home to Fort Myers , so the beginning of January I drove down with her and the dog . I thought being home once again in her familiar surroundings would be good for her . I called her several times a day to remind her to take her medications ( she was on Sinemet , Aricept , Potassium , HCTZ and Remuron ) . She complained every day of having no energy and a little nausea . She was convinced it was from all the pills she had to take , especially the Sinemet , which she was taking three times a day . could fly down was the 31st . I had to get a home health agency to stay with Mom until I got there , which was pretty expensive but it had to be done . When I got to Mom 's house she was in bed , unable to get up by herself . I talked back and forth to both her doctors , and it was agreed that Mom should be taken off all her medications except the Aricept and see what would happen . I had to help Mom in and out of bed and up and down stairs , and her confidence walking was totally gone so I held her elbow while she walked anywhere . After a couple days went by Mom said she was feeling much better . She was eating better and said her nausea was gone , but she was still shaky and needed help with all her activities . Her cousin was supposed to come and stay with her but that fell through , so Mom and I had a talk and we both decided it would be best if we locked up the house and I brought her and her little dog back would hear her make ) she would go back to [ the nursing facility ] where she could be taken care of . I think she knew then that she needed more care than I could give her , but I told her once she went back we would take it one day at a time . Mom clearly remembered how well she was treated when she was there last time , a year or so ago . The whole month of February I watched Mom lose ground . She was already a little confused , more so when she was tired , and she would call me by Dad 's name when she was upset at me and ask me odd questions like where were the dogs ( she only has one , we had two when I was a child ) and she would ask me which J I was , but it wasn 't all the time and usually she was lucid and peaceful . She was having physical therapy which was covered under her secondary insurance , but I was having to wrangle with her financial people for the monthly payment for the bed in June . When all this began with Mom initially back in 2004 , she was on Cogentin , and it caused her to be very rigid , and her neck was curled very tightly down to the right which made it very difficult for her to do anything including eat . ( She got better when she was switched to Sinemet . ) This is how she looks right now . She is back in a diaper 24 hours a day because she is too rigid to walk to the bathroom , even with help . She needs assistance eating . She hardly opens her eyes at all . At times she will carry on a conversation , but usually she mumbles and is in her fantasy world . She does not like to leave her bed . At rare times she will let me take her for a stroll in the wheelchair , but they are extremely short strolls , and then she demands to go back to her room . Rarer still are our trips out in the garden for a breath of fresh air . She is on Requip , Seroquil , and Aricept . She is losing weight . I spoke with her neurologist , and she is going to finish out this week on a lower dose of Requip , and then once it is totally out of her system ( in another week or so ) we are going to try the Sinemet again since we got better results with that , and hopefully Mom will get some mobility back . see one again for her . I feel like we should try everything we know to do . I would love for Mom to get well enough to come back and stay with me again . We have brought all her things up here , and her house in Florida is on the market , but I don 't know how much of this she is aware of . I am glad she had the chance to go back home last year , that was a gift from God . I think she knows it was her last time , she hasn 't asked to go back home and I have not brought it up . Once in a while I have to remind her that she is at the nursing facility , because she thinks she is at work , or in a store ( once she said she was almost arrested for shoplifting ) , or in a restaurant . I am amazed at some of the things her mind creates ! A couple of days ago she and some friends of hers decided to establish a new church . I have found it is best to just go along with 2005 . I think we got her there just in time , because she declined pretty dramatically that first month . Then she seemed to level out . She was unable to walk , but would sit in her wheelchair at times and was able to feed herself and get to the bathroom . She was not interested in reading , like she was the last time . She had no desire for a TV either , or a radio . She told me those things annoyed her . Her roommate has a TV of the car to see the doctor , the dentist , the eye doctor . She had no desire to go to my house though , or to church , because she said it hurt her to sit for long and she just wanted to get back into bed . We had a routine of me bringing her little dog in to see her every Saturday . Sometimes she would tell me that Muffin had been in to see her even on days I hadn 't come in . A couple of times when family members from further away would come to visit I would get Mom ready and we 'd go out to lunch . That didn 't happen much . Mom had no desire to leave her room . Mom was involved with physical therapy from February until April of 2006 . Then she was released because it was determined that nothing more could be done for her . Mom was glad ; she told me she hated going to physical therapy . Getting up and down and walking was becoming more painful , it seemed . Any time we went anywhere , even just down the hall in the wheelchair , Mom would say , " I can 't wait to get home ! " I finally came to realize this meant she couldn 't wait to go back to bed . And when wall . Even talking on the phone to one of her friends in Florida , or even her brother , became too much for her to handle . I would put them on under the bed , in the closet . I guess I was used to it by now because it didn 't seem so bizarre anymore . Mom would say , " Those kids are too noisy " or " Is anyone watching those boys ? " or " They are playing under my bed again " and I would answer , " I 'll take care of it , Mom " and she would be satisfied . Sometimes she would say , " Who is that man standing over there ? " and no one was there , of course . Also she rarely even had her eyes open . She would open her eyes , though , if she was upset about something . I learned to watch for that ! Also Mom 's voice got softer and softer . That is something , because her voice has never been loud . Back when she was well , in Florida , I remember her telling me that her voice was seeming to lose power . Now it From April to July of 2006 , Mom progressed to Depends and then to adult diapers . She could no longer stand on her own , let alone make it to the bathroom . I was amazed that this didn 't seem to bother her . I would be sitting with her and she would say , " I have to go potty " . I would say , " It 's OK , Mom , you are wearing a Depends " . She would say , " Well , OK then " . And by August , she was needing more assistance in feeding . It was like all of a sudden she would forget where her mouth was . I think I found this to be the most distressing . Even candy . I would put a Hershey 's Kiss or something in her hand , unwrapped , and she would just hold it . Or she would start to move it toward her mouth and then forget what she was doing . When I would get there at mealtime , I would have to feed her . The nursing home staff were feeding her all the time by then . And she was losing interest in food . However , she would always eat all her ice cream . hospice care . The decision was made because by now Mom was not able to do anything for herself , and had lost quite a bit of weight . The hospice people are amazing . They take good care of Mom , giving her additional showers and keeping her clean and comfortable . The nursing home staff are wonderful , too . I have never had a complaint about Mom 's care . September saw more declines . Mom started losing words . She would try to tell me something and just say something really off the wall , and then say , " I lost the word " . It became a guessing game to try to figure out what she was saying . Once she told me , " You remind me of my daughter " . I said , " Mom , I am your daughter " . Then Mom said , " Well , who is your father ? " I told her my Dad 's name . She said , " Well , fancy that . That is amazing . " I just left it alone . She was also concerned about Muffin the dog , and I told her Muffin was fine . " Well , what about the other dog ? " So we had to go through the deal again about how there is only one dog . I didn 't want her to be lying there worrying about a dog who doesn 't exist . Another time she had a party in her room ( all her imaginary children , I suppose ) and another time she got angry at me for not doing all the laundry that was piled up everywhere . I told her I would get right on it . There was , of course , no laundry . Amazingly , Mom has never mentioned something that is very close to her heart , her house . I dreaded talking about it , not knowing how much to tell her , and thank God the subject never came up , even though I had to make two trips to Florida in 2006 to take care of moving all Mom 's stuff up to Virginia , and actually selling the house . Mom never once has asked how her house is . The first time she came up to Virginia and was in the nursing home , she talked about her little house all the time , making sure I was taking care of things , and how she wanted to go back there . This time , not one word . I decided not to mention it unless she did , no sense causing her distress , and it isn 't like there was a choice . She couldn 't go back , the house had to be sold , the money was needed to pay for Mom 's care . Mom has been up here for one year and not once have I had to talk about the house . So now it is February 2007 . Mom is on an air mattress to prevent bed sores . She is having difficulty swallowing , though she still eats her ice cream . She is on oxygen from time to time because sometimes she says she can 't get her breath . Yesterday when I went in to see her , she didn 't even wake up , even though I kissed her cheek several times and whispered in her ear and held her hand for about 45 minutes . She seemed to be breathing heavy , in spite of the oxygen . And my prayer for her is now , Lord , please either heal her all the way or take her all the way home . I know she is ready spiritually to meet the Lord , and I am ready to let her go . She has fought this thing long and hard , and though we both believe in miracles , I think we are both ready for this to end . a trouper . Up until the very end she had a good attitude and everyone in the nursing home , the hospice , and my church who spent time with her loved her . I feel relief that her struggle is now over and she is now spending eternity strong and whole and unencumbered by a mind and body that had her trapped for the last couple of years . I rejoice that she is journey , it has helped me deal with my own emotions and also the practical aspects of my journey with Mom . I thank also all the other people who wrote , even though it was painful to do so . I think we all have helped each other , and my prayers are going up for each one of you who still has a ways to go . We do all that we can do , and pour ourselves out , because our loved ones are worth it . It is an act of love that we can 't see any reward for right away , but the reward and the peace are coming , for all of us . Don 't give up . |
WordPress . org Curses , Abandoned First Draft [ The following is the abandoned first draft of " Curses . " If enough people say , " Wow , this is awesome , you should finish it ! " I might try to resurrect it . ] Olivaer Toebem woke from another dream in which had two arms , startled by a loud commotion in the common room downstairs . He threw off the bed covers and tried to stand , fumbling for balance in the near - darkness . He staggered to the doorway of his small room to find out what had happened . Perhaps Tias had dropped a stack of books . Olivaer stopped and crouched by the door . That voice was unfamiliar and sounded dangerous . His room was on the second floor of the house , at the top of the stairs . Looking out over the balcony , he could see that someone had lit several lamps downstairs . The common room below was more of a library than a gathering place , with shelves lining the walls and several tables for study . " Get out of my house at once ! " the voice of Tias Kalor said . Tias , the master of the house , did not sound frightened , though Olivaer certainly was . The first man 's voice did not sound friendly at all . And then he cringed when he heard another crash that sounded like someone had toppled a shelf of books onto the floor . Something shattered , probably some of Tias 's prized pottery collection . Olivaer cringed on his behalf . Tias had gathered them from around the continent over forty long years , or so he said . " You will sprout wings and fly over a striped moon before you ever find it , " Tias said with a shocking amount of confidence . A striped moon ? What was that supposed to mean ? Tias had gotten slightly eccentric in his advancing years , to say nothing of the curse he lived with every day . Olivaer thought he should go down and try to help his patron , but he could tell there was more than one intruder down there . He made out the sounds of at least three people rummaging . Maybe four . Just then a man in a ragged red tunic and breeches stepped into view , raising a thick club over his head . It came down on a table of clay figurines , shattering them and sending pieces flying everywhere . A few bits made it all the way up over the railing and landed on the floor beside Olivaer . " Don 't call me boy ! " the hard man shouted , and Olivaer heard the sounds of a knife plunging into soft flesh again . Tias grunted again , and let out a long sighing exhale . Someone fell to the floor with a loud thump . Tias , no ! This can 't be happening ! We played Towers just this afternoon ; I almost beat him . " Search everything , " the hard man said to his comrades . " Search every book , every pot , and corner . Lakus , go see if anyone else is upstairs . " Olivaer thought frantically . If anyone walked up the rickety wooden steps , they would walk right into him . He had to get out of there . But first he had to get Emmie . He felt a tickle in his nose at the thought . His Curse of Mystery , as they were called , what everyone dreaded while they were growing up . For the hundredth time , he wished he could be rid of the new curse that had come upon him since he met Emmie , but he might as well wish to be rid of the sun or the moon . Everyone had curses , and everyone had to deal with it . But this was no time to think about that . He dashed down the hall to Emmie 's room on bare feet , holding his hand over his nose and mouth to keep from sneezing . He thought about the weather . Anything but Emmie . The mild summer they were having , and how there had been very little rain around Farenhill lately . The farmers grumbled to each other in the market every day . He pushed open Emmie 's door quietly , but quickly , and ducked inside . He wanted to bar the door , but there was no lock . There was barely enough light coming in from her window to see by . There was Emmie Kalor sleeping in the moonlight with no sign that she had heard any of the disturbance . She could sleep through a wind storm . Olivaer 's nose itched like fire , and he grabbed a nearby garment , covered his face , and sneezed . He was going to give them away for sure . He thought about what would happen if someone heard him . They would march up the stairs and club him to death . The clubs would leave huge bruises , and it would hurt like a whipping . While he thought about the pain of a clubbing , he ran to Emmie 's bedside and knelt over her . He shook her with his only arm , the right one , then quickly put his hand over her mouth . " Emmie , wake up , " he said , thinking about knives . At least one of them had a knife . It would would leave long cuts that would bleed and he would scream and by Vasek 's mercy his nose itched . He was going to sneeze again . Emmie 's eyes finally flew open and she tried to scream in his hand . " Please be quiet , Emmie , we 're in trouble , " Olivaer said . He turned his head away and sneezed into his shoulder . Don 't think about her , think about something else . Think about the dry summer and the poor farmers . Think about those men gutting you if you don 't move faster . Emmie was afflicted with what had been categorized by scholars as a Curse of the Mind , a particularly bad one passed down from her grandfather , Tias Kalor , who owned the house . Every time she woke up , she would forget everyone she knew , even if she had been around them for years . Olivaer had been a student in Tias 's house for five months now . He had to introduce himself to her every day . Most days he had to introduce himself to Tias as well . " I 'm a friend , " Olivaer said quickly . " Thieves are inside the house . We have to run . " He grabbed up another nearby garment and sneezed into it . Only then did he realize it was one of Emmie 's shifts and he flung it away like it was on fire . Vasek 's mercy , don 't think about that . The man must be up the stairs by now , would he be able to hear them ? " We have to climb out the window . " Just then a tremendous crash came from downstairs . Someone must have toppled one of the bookcases that covered the whole wall . Other than her inability to recognize faces , Emmie was a smart and practical girl . She realized that sound meant danger , and she jumped out of the bed , grabbed a cloak hanging on the wall , and put it on . Olivaer , who still wore only his bed linens , he realized with embarrassment , pushed the window shutters open one at a time . It let out onto a shallow slanted roof . From there they could climb down a nearby oak to the ground . Emmie had done it hundreds of times , having grown up in the house . She had shown Olivaer once or twice , on those rare days when she felt particularly daring around him . He helped her through the window as best he could , holding her hand to help her balance . When she was through , a sneeze exploded out of him without warning . Then another , and another , wracking his body like convulsions . It was the touch of her hand . The door crashed open and a man , presumably Lakus , stood there holding a flickering lantern in one hand and a small hand axe in the other . His face was covered by shadows but a hook nose made him look like a strange bird . " Hey , come back here , " he growled . Olivaer grabbed a book from a nearby table and threw it at the man , then awkwardly drug himself through the window , feeling dizzy from the sudden sneezes , and Emmie was there to help him . He sneezed again . " I 'm okay , " he managed to get out . " Go on , I 'm right behind you . " He sneezed , feeling like his skull would burst . Vasek take these sneezes ! Emmie looked at him with more than a little suspicion and looked like she might say something , but then a hairy arm thrust out of the window and she screamed and jumped back . Olivaer rolled away from Lakus 's groping hand while Emmie shuffled quickly down the roof to the tree . She climbed onto a large oak branch and shimmied down the tree like it were no more challenging than a ladder , even wearing the bulky cloak . Olivaer was nowhere near as agile as Emmie , having been cursed with only one arm long before the sneezes began . That was his Curse of Misery . Only a fleshy nub protruded from his left shoulder . He tottered down the roof and found a solid limb to hold . When he stepped onto a branch , an anxious voice shouted out from the open window . " Stop there , you bastard ! " Thoughts of Emmie , his watery eyes , and his itching nose vanished when he looked back at Lakus leaning out of the window . He had his small axe raised in his hand , preparing to throw it . At him . Olivaer moved quicker than he ever had in his life . In that moment , he moved like he had two arms and lived in trees all his life . Something whipped by his head and glanced off the trunk of the tree , sending wood chips into his face . He ignored them and descended , feeling some satisfaction that the hook - nosed Lakus cursed fluently behind him . Of course , three - quarters of the way down he lost his grip and fell the last five feet , thumping to the ground on his back . Emmie rushed over to see if he was all right . " I 'm Olivaer , " he said , staring up at her and rubbing his nose . It was an automatic thing to say to her each day , which she normally seemed to appreciate , but at the moment , she just gave him a grim expression . She helped him climb to his feet . He stretched his back , but it didn 't feel like anything had broken . " Thank you , Olivaer , " she said . " I 'm sorry but I don 't remember you . " She always looked a little embarrassed but mostly sad when she admitted that . Part of the curse was knowing that she was unable to remember anyone . Tias had kept his desk covered with sketches and names of people that he reviewed each day , and Emmie also had a collection of portraits , but they were probably back in her room . She was quite a talented artist . " We 'd better get out of here , " Olivaer said after a fierce sneeze . " Let 's go down to the sheriff 's house . You go on , I 'll be right behind you . " He watched her trot away down the street , and his nose felt better . He had discovered that the sneezing fits only came when he was close to women that he cared strongly for . Some people got sweaty palms , or tongue - tied . He sneezed until his nose bled . With a sigh , he trotted after her . He told himself over and over that his curse was not as bad as some . Many people had curses that made them sick , or weak , or miserable in some way or another . Some had to be cared for all their lives . A few people were cursed to change into animals ; sheep , or dogs , or even snakes . Those were bad , but the worst were the people cursed to kill , or to die a painful death . But before they had gone far , Olivaer saw a small group of men standing in the street a block from Tias 's house . Among them , he saw Sheriff Watts , the person he was looking for . What was going on ? The sheriff did not look pleased to see him running around town in his small clothes . " I know there are men . They 're looking for Tias , son . They got me out of bed a while ago . Didn 't say what they were after , just said they wanted to question him . Said they came from Siom , on the king 's orders . " " Those men stabbed Tias . " Olivaer tried to contain his impatience . " You 've got to do something . He might still be alive in there , bleeding to death . " Sheriff Watts looked dubious . " They were king 's men , son , " he said . " Said Tias was suspected of stealing the king 's property . They almost tore my head off when I tried to make sense of it . Told me in no uncertain terms to stay out of it . " Emmie walked up beside Olivaer . " They didn 't act like king 's men , sir , " she said . " They chased us . If it weren 't for - " she waved at Olivaer for a moment , trying to remember his name " - for … Olivaer , I would probably be dead . Or worse . " A pair of men came from Tias 's house strode toward them . They both wore patchwork clothing of leather and wool , not the quality of noblemen , but also not the sort found in Farenhill . They wore swords at their belts , which they slid free of their sheathes as they drew them . One had long dark hair and a beard , the other was clean - shaven with short blond hair . " Stand aside , old man , " the blond man said . " In the name of the king , I command all of you men to stand aside . " He took a menacing step forward toward the sheriff . He held his blade down , but Olivaer could see his hand muscles flexing on the hilt . " You can ask your questions from there , " Watts said . The sheriff was near fifty years old , and walked with a limp , but Olivaer had never seen the man intimidated by anything or anyone . He stood eye - to - eye with the blond stranger with no hint of fear in his voice . The blond man with the cold voice scowled and gestured with his free hand to his partner , and they both raised their blades . Watts moved with unnatural speed when the swords came up . He stepped in and grappled with the blond man 's sword arm , wrestling for control . The other men with the sheriff moved to help . A general melee developed between the two swordsmen and the sheriff 's men right there in the clay street . Olivaer wasted no time to see how the fight turned out . " Come on , " he said , grabbing Emmie 's arm to avoid her skin . The two of them ran . Farenhill was a very small town , housing perhaps one hundred families in total , surrounded by hundreds of acres of farmland . Olivaer led Emmie along the main road out of town to the farm of the widow Iswa Dodsin , where they hid inside the widow 's barn with the draft horses . He picked widow Dodsin 's farm because he knew that her dog had died recently and she had not had the heart to find another , so there would be no commotion as they prowled around the farm . Neither of them had seen any signs of pursuit , but Olivaer did not want to take any chances . The widow 's two old mares barely made a sound at their presence . Olivaer stared at her . Of course she wouldn 't remember him . Her own grandfather . It was a strange world they lived in . " He is … a scholar . A nice man . But I think he 's dead . " " Yes , I think so , " Olivaer said . " I have only known him for a few months , but I considered him a friend . " He didn 't think it would be a good idea to tell her that Tias owned the house and all of the history books that she read . She might then start wondering why she lived there with him , and that might lead her to wonder if she knew Tias more closely than he let on , and she might start crying . A powerful series of sneezes erupted from his nose , making his head throb . He got up and wandered to the barn door , murmuring apologies and something about being allergic to hay . Emmie seemed to understand . She knew about the curses , and though few people spoke openly about them , everyone these days made allowances for odd behavior . He wondered what kind of crystal those men had been looking for , and why they thought Tias Kalor had it . Tias owned a lot of arcane collections of pottery , books , and other trinkets , but Olivaer had never seen much jewelry . Tias certainly never wore any . He was a very modest man , though he seemed to have quite a store of riches for someone living in the remote town of Farenhill . He always had coins to buy the things he needed . He wondered about what Tias had said before he 'd been stabbed . Something about sprouting wings and a striped moon . It was an odd thing for him to say . Tias was an eccentric man , but Olivaer had never known him to speak gibberish like that before . He supposed that when faced with a strange , knife - wielding vandal , anything might pop out of one 's mouth . " Olivaer , wait , " Emmie said . She lifted a musty woolen riding cloak from a peg on the wall . " Put this on so you don 't scare the poor woman . " Olivaer blushed and wrapped himself in the cloak , which was so long it drug the ground . It had clearly been made for a much larger person , probably the widow 's husband , who had been a hulking figure of a man . It smelled of dust and mildew , and he sneezed , this time for completely ordinary reasons . Iswa Dodsin 's face looked puzzled for a moment , then she took in their appearance and her mouth turned down into a frown . Olivaer suddenly realized that they were both wrapped in cloaks as if neither one of them had any clothes on underneath , and he rushed to try to explain , blood rushing to his face . " Oh , no , goodmother ! It 's not what it looks like . We didn 't … I mean , we aren 't … I mean , some men broke into Tias 's house and we had to escape quickly out the window . Not that we both were in the same room ! I mean - " He had to stop when the sneezes took hold of him , and he felt like they would kill him this time . After finding them both some suitable clothes , the widow decided that she would accompany them back into town , to see what all of the fuss was about . She said that she had not heard of anything so exciting as murder and arson in Farenhill since she was a girl , when Nillom Fabersin famously went mad after he caught his wife with another man . Nillom had murdered them both with an axe , then burned his own farm to the ground . The sheriff at the time found him sitting on the ground by the lake with his head in his hands , covered with blood , the grisly axe right there on the ground beside him . He never said a single word , even as they hanged him . Olivaer 's heart sank when he saw what was left of Tias Kalor 's house . One half of it had burned to charcoal , and the remaining parts smoldered , ready to catch fire at any moment . As he watched , he saw flames flicker up to catch another part of a wall on fire . Tias 's prized books were so much ash now . The upper story had collapsed , leaving little but debris in the place he had lived for the past five months . Emmie held her hand over her mouth and stared , huddling in her cloak . She had lived there her whole life . The widow Iswa put an arm around her shoulder to comfort her . Olivaer felt a pang of jealousy and wished he could do the same , but his nose itched at the thought of it . He walked closer to the wreckage . " I 've been worse , " he said with a shrug . " Old Jollim didn 't fare as well though . He 'll be in bed for a while . Got a bad cut on the ribs . That man never knew how to stay out of trouble . As for those men , they ran away when they saw they were outnumbered . They sure didn 't fight like any king 's men I ever saw . Swords or no , we took care of them . I counted four in total . The other two must have set fire to the house before they left . Sorry for your loss , son . Tias was a strange one but he was a good man . " " Why would the king send men after someone like Tias Kalor ? " Olivaer asked , scratching at his nose . " I don 't believe he stole anything , least of all from the king . " Watts looked at him and then at Emmie for a time . " I don 't believe it either , son . Might have something to do with the old days , though . Tias was a famous man once , you know . Maybe his past caught up with him . " Olivaer turned and saw a lone man on a tan horse walking into town , the horse 's hooves clopping on the hard clay as if it was stone . Olivaer thought he knew most everyone who lived in Farenhill , and he had never seen this man before . He wore a red coat with gold brocade on the sleeves , with a black square sigil stitched on the breast , marking him as a stranger to this part of the country if the bulging saddlebags indicating a long journey did not . He had long blond hair and a well - defined , clean - shaven face , unmarked by tattoos warning of dangerous curses , Olivaer noted . The stranger looked around the town with bright interest . He caught sight of them and steered toward them at a leisurely pace , as if he had all of the time in the world . As he came closer , Olivaer saw that he was armed with a sword and a bow , though the bow , at least , was unstrung on the saddle . " Good morning to you gentle folk , " the man said , nodding respectfully . " I am Roduk Mongield . Could one of you direct me to the residence of Tias Kalor ? A farmer told me that he lived in town . " Watts gave Olivaer a look , and the sheriff 's hand fell to the handle of a knife at his belt . " You found it , sir . What is your business here ? " Roduk did not appear to notice the sheriff 's threatening gesture or tone . " Are you Tias Kalor ? " he asked excitedly . " I 've ridden a long way to speak with you - " " I 'm not Tias , " Watts growled . " I 'm the sheriff . Sheriff Watts , that is . " He nodded toward the smoking house . " Tias lived there . " Roduk took in the demolished structure for the first time and his pleasant expression froze . He muttered under his breath , " No , no , no . " He dismounted quickly and approached them with a serious expression , holding the reigns of his horse . " Please , do you know where he is ? It 's urgent that I speak with him . " Roduk looked like he had been struck in the stomach . " Dead ? No , that 's not possible . That can 't be . I rode for days to get here , and he 's dead ? " Then he looked up sharply . " You said there was a man that wanted to speak with him . What man ? When ? " " Last night ? He was killed last night ? " Roduk stared up at the sky and clutched both hands to his head . " One day . One day faster and I could have talked to one of the Three . " " We don 't want any more trouble here , son , " Watts said . Roduk looked to be in his early twenties , but Watts called everyone under forty ' son . ' " Tias is dead and nothing 's going to change that now . If you know who did it , though , I 'd appreciate hearing some names . " " I don 't know who killed him , " Roduk said woodenly , staring at the charred house like his own mother had died there . " I wish I did . What did they look like ? " " One of them had a hard face , " Watts said . " Short hair . Had a birth mark on his neck that looked like a spider . The other one had a beard . They said they were king 's men . Wanted to question Tias , just like you . " Roduk 's head whipped around and his eyes burrowed into Olivaer 's . The stranger suddenly seemed to loom over him . " Did they find it ? The crystal ? Tell me ! " " Step back , son , " Watts said , putting a hand gently on Roduk 's chest . " Calm down . What 's all this about a crystal ? You didn 't mention that before , Olivaer . " Roduk stepped away and gathered his composure with a visible effort . He ran a hand through his hair , brushing blond locks out of his face . " You were there when it happened ? Olivaer , was it ? I 'm sorry if I startled you , Olivaer . It 's just that I 've ridden a long way to get here . " " I overheard the murderer asking about a crystal , that 's all , " Olivaer said . " Tias didn 't tell him where it was , though . " You will sprout wings and fly over a striped moon before you ever find it . " Then the man killed him . " " Oh , a budding scholar , eh ? " Roduk said . " That 's great . Not enough people read . It keeps the mind sharp , I say . Do you mind if I ask you a few questions ? " " Emmie . Emmie Kalor . " She had a hard expression on her face . " I heard your conversation just now . The man you were looking for is named Tias Kalor ? " " How could I be upset ? " Emmie said ruefully . " I don 't even know what he looks like . Now I suppose I never will . All my sketches were in the house . " " There 's nothing wrong with me ! " Emmie declared , glaring at the sheriff . " You don 't have to say it like I 'm … like I 'm a cripple . " The widow Iswa put a comforting hand on her arm . " Of course , dearie , " Watts said quickly , relenting under both women 's stares . " Didn 't mean anything by it . Everyone knows you 're the smartest kid in town . " " Well , this is certainly an interesting town , " Roduk said into the awkward silence that followed , smiling broadly . " I have been riding for quite some time , sheriff . Is there somewhere I could stable my horse for a time and get a drink and a meal ? " " I thank you for your help , " Roduk said to the sheriff . He turned to Olivaer and Emmie , his expression open and inviting . " I would love to talk with you two some more , if you don 't mind . Have you eaten yet ? Will you join me for breakfast ? " Olivaer 's stomach chose that moment to rumble . Still , he would have declined the invitation if Emmie hadn 't piped up and said , " I would like that . " Roduk 's face lit up with delight at her response , and Emmie smiled back at him . Olivaer realized that the man had one of those faces that girls usually liked . Before he knew it , he had sneezed again . " Here you go , " Jenen said , setting out a block of cheese and bread on the table . His wife , following close behind , set out three bowls of porridge and honey . " Give a shout if you need anything else , " the innkeeper said . " You are too kind , " Roduk said . He put his face over the porridge and breathed in the steam . " This smells delicious , goodmother , " he added . The three of them were alone in the small common room . Other tables were scattered around the edges of the room to accommodate more people , but Olivaer had never seen more than a dozen men and women inside before . The morning 's fire burned brightly in the corner , heating an iron cooking pot . " As long as I can remember , " Olivaer said , and Emmie nodded to confirm it . " He has always kept to himself , though , so not very many people really know him . He stays in his house most days , reading and writing . He was working on a compendium of pottery styles from around the continent . " " Glory - seekers ? What do you mean ? Nobody ever came to visit him , that I know of . He was a scholar , he never sought any glory . " Roduk stared at them as if he had just heard the sun had vanished from the sky . " You don 't know who he is , do you ? " Their expressions must have confirmed it . " Are you saying you two don 't know that Tias Kalor - your own grandfather , miss - was one of the Three who defeated Noxamu ? " It was Roduk 's turn to open his eyes wide . Olivaer rushed to explain before Roduk could say anything to embarrass her . " Noxamu was a man who terrorized Sioma a long time ago . He claimed to be descended from the gods . Not many people know much about that out here in Farenhill . " He directed that last to Roduk to explain their ignorance . " Forty years gone now , " Roduk said to Emmie in a tone of reverence , " Noxamu spread fear and destruction through Sioma , until he was banished by three heroes : A warrior , a priest , and a scholar . Tias Kalor was the scholar . He never mentioned that ? The whole time he lived here ? " Olivaer and Emmie both shook their heads . Tias ? A hero ? Olivaer could hardly wrap his mind around it . The man who could not remember his own granddaughter without a reminder every morning ? " There were no curses back then , " Roduk said . " They came when Noxamu cursed the Three and all of Sioma with his last breath , calling on his father among the gods to avenge him . Ever since that day , every child has been born with a curse . I thought you were students . Haven 't you read any history ? " " Ah , youth , " Roduk said , throwing up his hands . He had finished his porridge and now waved a piece of cheese toward them for emphasis . " Such as waste . Young minds should fill their heads with knowledge . " Roduk looked at them suspiciously . " He prefers to stay anonymous , " he said . " He pays me well , and I didn 't ask a lot of questions . The point is , he hired me to find the three crystals that were used to trap Noxamu 's soul . Somehow he knew that Tias Kalor could be found here in Farenhill , but he didn 't know where to find the others . Do either of you know where Tias might have kept a crystal ? Did he have a place he kept valuables ? A box ? A chest ? A hidden room ? " " He had a desk , " Olivaer said . " But it 's probably burned now . I don 't know where else he might have kept a crystal . How big is it ? " Sifting through the remains of the house was painful for Olivaer . He had only known Tias Kalor well for six months , but he had grown fond of the man and his strange ways . He had an eccentric personality that gave him an almost comical air . It was hard to imagine him as a hero of any sort . But Olivaer supposed that the curse had been a serious impairment to his abilities . Tias could not remember faces , but what else had been stripped from him after defeating Noxamu ? Roduk had been counting on talking to Tias to find the locations of the other two Heroes and their crystals . He only knew their names : Lyeale Del , a priest , and Warom Reirdun , a swordsman of noble birth . That sparked a memory in Olivaer : He once overheard Tias talking about a woman named Lyeale . He thought he 'd said she lived in a forest . Roduk grew excited and started to make plans to travel to the forest the next day . Olivaer had once promised Tias to help Emmie get to Siom if anything happened to him . There she could live with her closest relatives . Realizing the forest was on the way to Siom , and being intensely curious about Roduk 's quest and eager to end the curses as well , Olivaer decided to go with Roduk . Roduk dubbed Olivaer his " squire . " The three of them set out on horseback for the forest . The air seemed to chill around them as they followed the narrow path into the forest , riding single file . The morning fog had not yet burned away , making the trees look like somber ghosts standing watch in a silent vigil that had gone on for centuries . At times , fir trees seemed to form curved walls at the edges of the path , reminding Olivaer of a cave . It was disconcerting to ride through them . Roduk led the procession , seemingly unconcerned , letting his tan stallion walk at a comfortable pace . Emmie , following behind , stared at the misty trees with wide eyes . Her head swiveled in every direction as if expecting something to jump at them . Olivaer could hardly blame her . The trees did seem to close in on them . They entered a clearing surrounded by old oaks and pines which seemed to lean inward , forming a canopy of limbs and leaves over the area . To Olivaer it felt like entering a strange cave of trunks , roots , and leaves . The ground was covered with a peaty mixture of dead leaves , old limbs , and dirt , from which not a single blade of grass grew . To one side , a small pond looked to have formed around a natural spring . There was a stone statue in front of the pond , with a wooden bench before it . On the opposite side of the clearing , there was a tall building that might loosely be called a wooden frame house . Looking at it , Olivaer wondered how it stood upright . It seemed to be made of sharp angles all around , none of which lined up correctly , and there was a noticeable lean to the entire structure . He saw only one window , staring like an eye from beneath a sharply angled ' A ' frame at a height that indicated there must be two stories inside . A pair of hens wandered about near the house , and a nearby pen held a half dozen small pigs . Roduk reigned to a stop ten yards from the house . His stallion tossed his head and looked askance at the house . " Hail ! " Roduk announced . " Is anyone here ? We mean no harm . " The trees and fog swallowed his voice . " We have traveled a great distance , " Roduk continued . " We were told that Lyeale Del lives here . I wish to speak with her . " Some of the pigs squealed at the disturbance . Olivaer thought he saw a flicker of movement in the window , but it could have easily been a shadow . Someone must live here , though . The pigs and chickens were testament to that . Surely Lyeale would speak with them . Olivaer did not believe the stories that she had gone mad living out here alone in the forest ; she was only being cautious , as anyone would . That was all . Roduk looked back at Olivaer , silently asking if he had any ideas . Olivaer shrugged . He knew no more about Lyeale Del than Roduk did . The old librarian Tias had never said anything about her except where she lived . " Perhaps so , " Roduk said . " I refuse to believe we traveled all this way for nothing . She must be here . I suppose we 'll wait for a while to see if she appears . " They dismounted near the pond and allowed the horses to drink . The statue was a finely carved sculpture of the Tihabae , Goddess of the Moon , standing with her hands outstretched in welcome and her robes wafting . Her hair twisted all the way from her head down to her feet . The customary third eye in her forehead was closed . The expression on her face seemed pained , but somehow inviting at the same time . They turned to see an old woman standing outside of the house , draped in dark brown robes that trailed the ground . Fine white hair sprouted from a mottled head and fell down in a tangle around her face . She stared at them with dark , accusing eyes . Roduk paused , confused . Was this Lyeale or wasn 't it ? He came to a decision and pressed onward . " It is an honor to meet you , " he said with one of his easy smiles . " My name is Roduk Mongield . I have been looking forward to speaking with you , if you will agree to it . " Olivaer glanced at Emmie . She stood behind her mare , clearly afraid of the woman . He placed himself midway between her and the old woman , wrinkling his nose to keep a sneeze down . Roduk continued unperturbed . " Goodmother , I would ask only a few moments of your time . I am on a very important mission and I think you can help me . " Roduk glanced at Olivaer . " My friend knew of your general location , " he said . " The local farmers led us to your house . This is Olivaer , a student of someone you may know . Tias Kalor . " Lyeale turned her gaze on Olivaer , her expression growing even more suspicious , if that were possible . Her face bore deep wrinkles of age and consternation , but her eyes were sharp and penetrating . " What do you know of Tias Kalor ? " Lyeale 's face contorted . " Keep her away from me ! " she snapped . Emmie shrunk back as if slapped . " No wonder my head is pounding so , " Lyeale said , backing toward the door of her house . " If you two knew so much about me you should have known to leave her behind . " " Of course you don 't , " Lyeale said . " Nobody understands anything . " She took a moment to collect herself , or perhaps just to decide what she wanted to tell them . " The curse keeps us apart . The three of us , and our kin . If we get too close , it hurts , here . " She stabbed a finger at her temple . " Do you understand that ? " " Of course , " Roduk said smoothly . " I apologize for your discomfort . " He turned to Olivaer and spoke in a low tone . " Can you take her to the path , Olivaer ? And come back when you 're done . " Olivaer walked the horses to the edge of the clearing where the path started , and Emmie was all too happy to follow . " Will you watch the horses , Emmie ? " Olivaer asked . " I 'm sure we won 't be long . " " Me too . " Olivaer turned away quickly before the sneeze overtook him . He walked away quickly , rubbing at his watering eyes . When he returned , Lyeale stood with her arms folded , watching him . She looked like a hawk eying a field mouse . " What do you two want from me ? " Lyeale demanded , ignoring Roduk 's question . " If you 're looking for tales of high adventure , you can leave now . I 've said all I care to say about the old days . " " I 'm not looking for tales , " Roduk said . " But I am interested in the old days , yes . I am looking for the three crystals that you brought back from Noxamu 's lair . " " I was told there are three crystals holding Noxamu 's essence , " Roduk said . " After you and the others defeated Noxamu , it was said that you drained his essence into three crystals and hid them . I 'm afraid I don 't know what they look like . None of the histories mention them . " " The same as anyone I suppose , " Olivaer said with a shrug . " He learned to live with it . He kept notes about important people on his desk . He went over them every morning . " " Some are worse than others , though , yes ? " Lyeale said . " That 's why some people have tattoos , eh ? They get locked up away from others . Tias got away with an easy one , I think . Forgetting faces . Not so bad . I suppose that child cowering by the horses has the same . Well , Warom got much worse . And me - " She shook her head and stopped talking . It was considered rude to ask about a person 's curses , so Roduk refrained from asking the obvious question . Olivaer wondered again what curses Roduk kept hidden from them . Whatever they were , they weren 't as obvious as his missing arm and his sneezing . " Stop calling me that , " Lyeale said . " I have no children . And if I knew about any crystals , I wouldn 't tell two strangers about them . No good can come of those things anyway . There 's only one thing you can do with those crystals and believe me , nobody wants that . We went through hell and damnation to get rid of Noxamu . I went through hell . More than you can ever know . " Her voice raised to shrillness . Lyeale 's eyes bulged for a moment , and then she laughed , a high - pitched , cackling sound that grated on Olivaer 's nerves . She laughed until it seemed she might fall down . Roduk hurried over to steady her , but she pulled away . " Leave me be , child , " she said , still chuckling . " Someone has been filling your head with lies . Who gave you such a daft idea ? " Roduk appeared to be somewhere between insulted and embarrassed . " I was hired by a scholar of some renown , who has studied the subject . He explained that there was no danger of Noxamu returning if there was no body for him to inhabit . And his body is long gone , thanks to you and the other two . My patron believes that bringing the three crystals together will be enough to remove the curses . " Lyeale squinted at Roduk , trying to decide if he were being truthful or not . " Your renowned scholar seems to have forgotten that Noxamu 's essence can inhabit anyone . Anyone who happens to be there . That means whoever brings the three crystals together will become Noxamu . " She stared at them and unconsciously licked her lips . It was a small movement but it gave Olivaer the impression she was hiding something . " Who is this scholar ? How is he renowned ? " Lyeale , however , ignored him . " How convenient . You should be wary of anyone who wants to find the crystals , " she said , jabbing a finger at Roduk . " There are those who wish to see Noxamu return and rule Sioma . Disciples . Followers . You aren 't one of those , are you ? " Now it was Roduk 's turn to laugh . " No , goodmo - good woman . I am certainly no disciple of Noxamu . Truthfully I am not a religious man at all . " " Not religious ? You look at the world and see no gods in it ? Everyone cursed , everyone suffering , every day ? No , child , you are blind . The gods play with us like children 's toys . I know this for certain . The gods turned their backs on me . On all of us . " She heaved a sigh . " But it makes no matter if a person is religious or not . The gods don 't care . " And gather the rewards of fame , Olivaer thought . Lyeale huffed with disdain at Roduk and turned her hawk - like gaze to him . It took him a moment to realize she wanted to know if he was a secret disciple of Noxamu . He cleared his throat . " I don 't either . Follow Noxamu , that is . " He wondered if the man who killed Tias - the man with the spider birthmark on his neck - was a Disciple of Noxamu . " Can you tell us what you know of the crystals ? " Roduk prompted again . Impatience tinged his voice now , though he hid it from his face well . " Why do you play these games with me ? " Roduk said , straightening his coat and folding his arms . Patience drained completely from his face . " Can you help us or not ? If the honor of our cause won 't affect you , I can pay handsomely for whatever information you can provide . " Lyeale 's grin widened , showing teeth that would chew no more . " Your coins mean nothing out here . What would I buy ? I have my pigs and chickens already . " She kicked at one of the hens wandering around her feet - in frustration , Olivaer thought - causing it to squawk and run away . " I am a simple woman of simple means . Forgive me my games . I do not get to talk with others out here . But now I think I have had enough . I know nothing of crystals . " It happened so fast that Olivaer was not sure he 'd seen it at all : Lyeale 's eyes flickered to the pond and back . " Leave here , " she said , and turned to go back into her house . She stopped and turned back . " Give up this foolishness before you get hurt . Or someone else gets hurt . " She disappeared inside the odd house and slammed the door shut . " Not here , " Roduk snapped . He led them back to where Emmie waited with the horses . " I saw it , too , " he said quietly . " The pond . Or maybe that statue . There 's something here . I can feel it . " " What are we going to do ? " Olivaer asked . " We can 't just dig around her home without her permission , and I don 't think she would like us going near that shrine at all . " " You really aren 't religious , are you ? That statue and the bench is a shrine to Tihabae , the Moon Goddess . She must be a follower . " Something about that tickled his mind , but he could not drag it out of his memory . " Remember ? She called it holy ground . " " I remember , " Roduk mused , tapping his chin thoughtfully . He was staring at the pond with a far - away look in his eye . " Perhaps after dark … " The shrine . " That 's it ! That 's what 's wrong with it . It 's a shrine to Tihabae , the Moon Goddess . " " Lyeale was Siom 's High Priestess of the Sun , " Olivaer said . " It was well known at the time . She appealed to Zyveses , the Sun Goddess , to bless the water that they used on Noxamu . So why does she have a shrine to Tihabae now ? " Roduk looked at him with exasperation . " What are you ranting about ? What does it matter what kind of shrine it is ? Maybe she changed her mind and pledged to a different goddess . " " Tihabae is a strange goddess to pick , " Olivaer said , watching the slanted house uneasily . " She is the goddess of mischief , and chaos , and the unexpected . The exact opposite of Zyveses . I wonder what happened to Lyeale back when they confronted Noxamu . It must have been something bad for her to renounce Zyveses . " " I don 't think she is going to tell us anything , " Roduk said . " At least , not now . But I mean to stay until she does . If we wait out here , she is bound to talk to us sooner or later . She can 't ignore us forever . Come on , let 's find a place to camp . Somewhere that she can see us from that window . " By the time the sun reached its zenith , they had cleared a small area in the forest and built a campfire pit . They had no real need for the fire , but Roduk said it would show the woman they meant to stay a long time . Emmie sat with her legs crossed , huddling as far from Lyeale 's house as she could . The headache had begun to affect her , too . Olivaer 's nose itched fiercely whenever he thought of her in pain , so he started to heat some water to make tea to take his mind off of it . " I don 't think it will be long , " Roduk said , leaning against a tree and staring at Lyeale 's house . " It must irritate her to see us here . She 'll talk to us before the sun sets , I 'll wager . " Roduk 's hopes of luring the woman out of her house soon disappeared . Hours passed with no sign of Lyeale . Olivaer spent the time writing down a chronicle of their encounter with Lyeale . He unrolled his writing supplies - feather quills and stoppered ink pots that he carried everywhere with him - and set about penning the words carefully into his journal book in fine script . He did not worry about neatness out here in the woods . He concentrated on getting the memories down accurately . Later , when he had access to a better place to write , he would transfer the words to a more permanent manuscript . He had nothing to dry his ink , so he had to blow on it . Still , it came out relatively smudge - free . When he was done , he had nothing else to do but watch Roduk pace back and forth , fidgeting with his sword belt . Roduk gave him a glare and kept pacing . " We 're running out of time . There are others after these crystals , and they are not far behind us . A day at most . Maybe even closer . They could be here any moment , in fact , while we are sitting here . " He stopped and came to a decision . " I 'm going to talk to her again , if I have to break down the door . She must be convinced to give over her crystal . " With that , he marched away from the camp in the direction of Lyeale 's house . She smiled and nodded , and his nose itched . He got up quickly and trotted after Roduk . Why did she have to smile at him ? It was always worse then . Even as he thought it , he sneezed . He tried to put her out of his mind . " I 'm not , " Olivaer said , raising his hands in self - defense . The thought never crossed his mind to try to stop Roduk . He had only known the man for a few short weeks , but he could already tell that Roduk was a stubborn mule once he was set on a course . " I just want to hear what she has to say . For the records . " Share this : FacebookTwitter Posted on August 24 , 2012Author everettCategories Curses One thought on " Curses , Abandoned First Draft " Pingback : Everett Renshaw Leave a Reply Cancel reply Your email address will not be published . Required fields are marked * Comment Name * Email * Website Notify me of new posts by email . Post navigation |
My father in law was a photographer . He spent years trying to perfect color in his photographs . It was a painstaking effort . He had to paint the prints by hand . And these photos tell of a Europe almost completely gone . Color Autochromes - an early form of color photography - taken during WWI , from the collection of Albert Kahn . It is an amazing real - life look into the world that Downton Abbey so elegantly recreated for Masterpiece Theatre . Sidenote : I am completely obsessed with the show . Are you ? Kahn was a French banker and philanthropist who attempted to collect a photographic record of the entire world between 1909 and 1931 . Amassing over 72 , 000 Autochromes , Kahn 's collection included historical records of 50 countries and was little - seen until recently . Kahn 's archive formed the basis of a recent BBC miniseries and accompanying book , The Wonderful World of Albert Kahn : Colour Photographs from a Lost Age . Find out more here . * * Update : Just found a place online where you can watch a bit of the documentary . Find part 1 here and part 2 here , courtesy of Ovation . Enjoy ! I just woke up . With thoughts of Marilyn . Monroe . Not the shocks . She contradicts all our preconceived notions of the dumb blonde . Not that she was Hedy Lamarr . She was a sex symbol . But she also went to visit an old famous poet , Carl Sandberg . Marilyn Monroe was a paradox . She had serious personal issues . At the same time she seemed carefree and natural . She lived in an age when the ideal woman had to be 2 dimensional . Beautiful . Always available . No baggage . She was a complicated person . This is one of her poems . But none of this tells you the whole story . Marilyn had a dream about her acting coach . ( Think of T . S . Eliot and The Hollow Men ) In the dream he was a doctor . And she was on the operating table . He opened her up . And this is what Marilyn wrote . Dylan wrote this song , Hard Rain 's Going To Fall . And I met a young actress . And fell for her like a ton of bricks . Pined is the word . I was at the end of a messy relationship . And of course there was the girl in my philosophy class who dressed up every day in black leather and a cape and who looked like Deborah Harry . So I wrote this book , ' murder ' . Dedicated it to my father . But really it was the actress . She would later appear in a movie with Burt Lancaster . And then the book almost won a national book award but I was disqualified . I had just turned 30 . It was a young author 's award . I didn 't get the actress . Or Deborah Harry . And my other relationship did end . But without malice . That 's what ' murder ' will do to you . MAKING MOVIES . Believe it or not . This book was passed around for film options . I couldn 't see it myself . First of all it was written as a television documentary . A satire on those BBC documentaries . Filled with self - importance . But as I started to write it , a lot of the satire evaporated . Into scotch . I started to like the book . As fun . The first review of the book was in the national newspaper of Canada , The Globe and Mail . And they hammered it . The reviewer said that movies weren 't made in the way I represented them . It wasn 't a manual . It was a book of fiction . The reviewer died several years later . Maybe someone reviewed his column . You don 't have to bother reading the blurb below . Its something the publisher drums up . It doesn 't sell the book but it makes the publisher sleep better at night . I think Making Movies was the best book published the year it was born . Not that I read all the other books . I 'm sure some other worthy author ran off with all the awards . But no one except him and his surviving children will remember that . [ The magic of film is recreated , taken apart , examined and lovingly satirized in an unusual work of fiction . David Halliday imagines a BBC documentary about ' the well known Canadian film maker Samuel Bremmer ' . We see moments of the films themselves ; we hear the words of the actors , the designers and the commentary of the director , Samuel Bremmer . The illusion of film , and how it is created against a backdrop of money problems , personality clashes , jealousies , ambitions , love and vanity . Originally published by Press Porcepic . ] SET DESIGNER : All the indoor scenes , the saloon , the house , the farm , were shot in a warehouse in Toronto . I think the place had been used to store furs or something animal … you could still smell whatever it was . Sam had to live there while we were shooting . He had to ; it was his furniture that we were using as props . I don 't know how he stood the smell . He told us that at night he could hear creatures scurrying across the rafters . He wasn 't sure whether they were mice or ghosts … . SAMUEL BREMMER : To save money we decided to make a western . Everyone wore old clothes they 'd found in attics or picked up in the ' Sally Ann ' . They were close to the clothes that people wore in the 1800 's . Fashions for the poor don 't change much over time . And the men , except for Anthony , didn 't shave . We shot many of the outdoor scenes in an old abandoned farm near Pembroke , built , I think , about the time the story is supposed to have taken place . We used some of the locals and the crew as extras . And of course with horses you don 't have to worry about the date of the model … MUSIC DIRECTOR : We had some trouble with the background noise . We didn 't notice it until we started to edit , but all the indoor scenes sounded dead , hollow . Solving this was more difficult than it might seem . I had to go out and record outdoor scenes . I went into the middle of the woods . I used some very sensitive recording equipment and discovered to my dismay that it picked up the sound of my breathing . So i had to re - record by leaving the machine by itself for a few hours . And then later i discovered that part of it was ruined by the sound of an airplane . So i had to do it all over again . The third time i was again frustrated . The recorder picked up the sound of a tree falling in the woods … SCREENWRITER : In the original script there was much more dialogue … which Sam managed to eliminate in many ways … either by eliminating it all together or by making it almost inaudible behind the breathing of horses , or the sound of running water or by having more than one person speak at the same time . Sam explained these changes to me by saying that we were not putting on a play . Film is visual , he said . I asked him why he didn 't do the whole thing in pantomine . He didn 't like that . Maybe that 's why we haven 't worked together since … . SAMUEL BREMMER : I was very pleased with the farmer 's death . I played the part of the farmer myself , not only to save money but also I think because i liked the fantasy of being killed . And then of course surviving one 's own death … . SAMUEL BREMMER : There was no rain in the original screenplay . We shot all the indoor scenes first in Toronto while keeping an eye on the weather conditions in Pembroke . Then it occurred to me that the rain could be a fundamental part of the picture . This meant of course that we had to re - write and re - shoot some scenes . And then we had to rush up to Pembroke and hope it wouldn 't stop raining . I sent one of the crew ahead of us just to shoot the rain falling . Luckily for us , because shortly after we began to shoot the scenes on the farm the rain stopped . Looking back i think the rain shaped the film . As if the gods were smiling down upon us … LESJA BROWN : I saw the woman in two lights . Both in grief and joy . Grief because suddenly she has lost something in her life . I didn 't see her grieving for her husband but for herself and her son and a future that was threatening … but also with a kind of joy that she had to repress . Her husband was a drunk and she was probably glad to be rid of him . Although she could not admit this feeling publicly or perhaps even to herself . That is shy she feels a third sensation . Guilt . How many times had she wished , dreamed of him dead … ? LESJA BROWN : Almost caught my death filming this scene . It was a cold September day as I recall and I remember complaining to Sam , who just smiled and said it was all in my head . I caught a bad cold and was laid up in bed for a couple of weeks . Sam was very sweet . Sent me flowers and candies . Came to see me about every other day . He was very concerned . Sam is quite superstitious . I think that because we were shooting a funeral , he was afraid we had somehow unleashed death … ROBERT DRAYTON : Mr . Bremmer was no help to me at all . I asked him several times what my motivation was supposed to be . How was I supposed to play this farm boy . I had never acted before and felt quite in the dark . It worried me . I couldn 't sleep and I looked it . But when I asked him anything , Mr . Bremmer would just bark at me . I 'm busy , he 'd say , don 't bother me now . Several times I was ready to quit . After we finished the film , Mr . Bremmer came up to me , a big grin on his face and slapped me on the SAMUEL BREMMER : The only real close - up of the picture , a close - up of Lesja 's eyes through her reflection in the window . And the rain running down the glass and her voice mixed with the sound of the rain beating . I was trying to create a mood of forlornness , of people outside the stream ( excuse the pun ) of history , of important events . This was the worst hardship of these people , these pioneers , the feeling that they didn 't matter … it hardened some , destroyed others … . ANTHONY WHALE : I had to lose quite a bit of weight to play the gambler , which isn 't easy when your wife is Italian . Sam 's idea . He saw the gambler as an evil character and evil , he said , must always look hungry . I thought that this was too facile . I was determined to make a gambler into a real person . My dialogue didn 't allow this so I decided I 'd have to do it through gestures . I 'd make the gambler appealing . Practiced my smile . Watched a lot of old Clark Gable films . Practiced grinning in the mirror each morning . Used to break up my wife . She 'd laugh and laugh . Sam didn 't like the smile . In the end we compromised . I 'd be able to smile if I lost thirty pounds . I lost the weight . Unfortunately my grin changed with the loss of weight on my face . My charming grin began to look wicked . Sam was very pleased with himself … . BARBARA HARRIS : I had to learn to shuffle cards . Bought several decks . Practiced between takes . Before I was served dinner n restaurants , during a bath , first thing in the morning . Maurice gave me some tips . He seems to know something about everything . A very talented man … . SAMUEL BREMMER : Our budget ran out about this time I didn 't tell anyone . Told them I had to take a few days off . A small operation , doctor 's orders . I was not specific . Everyone , to my surprise , was quite concerned . I spent the next week haranguing , begging , pleading with friends and relatives . If the film had been a flop I knew I 'd end up a sales clerk , or insurance agent somewhere spending years to pay off my debts . Fortunately for me when we finished the picture and I was able ( through many frustrating weeks ) to get the picture distributed we broke even . Which for a Canadian film at the time was considered a tremendous success . Since then the film to my surprise and delight , has become something of an underground classic in Europe … SIR JOHN BIRD : There was a tremendous fight about how the picture should end . In the original screenplay , Kitty talks the gambler into not shooting the farmer 's boy because of the gambler 's love for her . We all agreed that this was not satisfactory … Little Barbara thought that somehow Kitty should be killed at the end . This isn 't television , Sammy screamed . Then Maurice suggested that the sheriff save the young boy by shooting the gambler in the back . Sammy liked the idea but he was overruled by the rest of us . It just wouldn 't sell we all argued , it 's too out of character . The sheriff is inept , impotent . All of us agreed ( all of us except Sammy and Barbara ) that the gambler had to die . It was poetic justice … SAMUEL BREMMER : I 'm still not satisfied with the ending . But to tell you the truth I wasn 't sure how the thing should end . I wanted an ending that showed that violence was unpredictable . It was like an explosion where everyone is its victim . My intuition told me that the gambler should kill the farm boy . This was consistent with reality . But then film is not reality . No artistic form reflects reality . And of course everyone wanted the gambler to die . So the ending was decided through democratic means … . So much for artistic integrity . . Domestic life has always been the butt of humor . There is something funny and comforting about the ongoing contentions between man and woman . One of my favourites when I was young ( and still is ) was The Thin Man Series . It is all based on a set of rules . Domestic life . Unfortunately the rules haven 't been written yet . And so we bungle our way to old age . And then realize at some point , in the Home , that we might have linked up with the wrong girl ( or guy ) . I wonder what happened to Davenport . This morning I dropped my wife off at the hair dresser . She gave me a kiss and said , ' you are a gentleman , aren 't you . ' ' That 's what I 've been trying to tell you , ' I responded . This story is based on the golden rule . ' She is always right . ' It is part of a series of stories I wrote in my book Women Gone Mad : Part One . I knew she had arrived home by the sound of the brakes on her Honda . No one else applied their brakes in quite that fashion . It is a kind of jerk then a shriek like she 'd run over the cat . There was a courteous nod as she stepped in the door , her shoulders slouched , her briefcase dangling on the end of her arm , which she set down on the stairs to be retrieved later . Her heavy footsteps plodded consecutively up the steps like a slovenly drum roll . One of the kids upstairs was playing their CD player loudly . I am used to it , have in fact become immune to all adolescent noises . She has not . Her eyes rose to the ceiling . " I 'll get you an aspirin , " I said , rushed to the washroom for drugs and on my way yelled up the stairs for Brian to turn his music down . Brian did not comply . I hadn 't expected him to respond on the first shout . " The kids and I have already eaten , " I said . I knew this would lose me points but Debbie was going out and Brian was starving . Of course Brian was always starving so this would hardly carry much weight with her , but I was hoping that she would see how impractical it was for all of us to eat at the same time . " Debbie went out with Laura , " I yelled as I slid down the hallway . " She said they were studying for a history exam tomorrow . I took it for granted that she was lying . No doubt they 're going to the mall to check out CDs and boys . Don 't worry . Laura 's a dog . The boys won 't be pestering them much . " I turned into the kitchen where I shoved a plate with pork chops , mashed potatoes , and string beans into the microwave . I grabbed a small tossed salad and a bottle of soda water from the refrigerator and put them on the table . By this time she has come out of the living room and taken her place at the table . I cleared the table of the dirty dishes and hurriedly put them in the sink . Not hearing any answer , I poured a glass of Ontario red table wine in a glass then turned and shouted once again up the stairs to Brian to turn his CD player down . I didn 't expect a response on my second shout . I returned and placed the glass of wine in front of her . She smiled with gratitude . She had that weary look of utter despair in her eyes . I wondered if it was the right time to talk . She nodded and sipped on her wine . The bell rang on the microwave . I rushed in and grabbed the plate . It was too hot . I knew she was famished by now and was almost at the edge of exhaustion , but the food was too hot and she would have to wait . This would cost me points . I blew on the food as I carried it into the dining room , but I knew it was a lost cause . That was strange . She 'd never had a bite before she left the office before . In one sense I felt relieved because I would not lose points over having served too hot a plate . On the other hand , why had she eaten ? Was she getting tired of my cooking ? I knew I was . " What ? " I asked still pondering over her lack of appetite . She 's always hungry . Not that she 's overweight . That has never been a problem for her . No matter how much or what she ate , she never put on weight . It has made her the envy of all the girls in the neighborhood . I have told her this on many occasions and it had been a wonderful way to accumulate points . " Oh yes , " I nodded . " Dr . Davy phoned up and said that he 'd like to see us . Nothing to worry about . All the tests came back negative . Brian is healthy enough but Dr . Davy thinks that he has Attention Deficit Disorder . And Tourette Syndrome . " She shook her head and began to pick at her food . I wished that if she wasn 't hungry she wouldn 't touch her food . I could have put it away for lunch the next day . " I think they 're going to offer me a partnership , " she said , her mouth filled with food . Her appetite had returned . I turned away . I couldn 't stand watching someone talk with their mouth full . " You look worried , " Betty said to me the next morning as I hung some sheets up on the line . I love the smell of sheets freshly dried in the wind . They don 't have that musty smell of sheets from the dryer . Betty was my next door neighbor and like a sister for me . We had gone to college together . She had studied urban planning while I was in theatre . We met while double dating . My best buddy who later married Betty was dating her while I was going out with Betty 's roommate . I can 't remember the girl 's name , but it was our first and last date . Betty and I , on the other hand , became fast friends and ironically ended up buying houses next to each other . " You know Doug as well as I do . If more than a dozen vowels pass through his lips in one day , it means he 's been drinking . But we communicate in other ways . " I glared at Betty . Ever since her and Doug had begun to date , I had envied their relationship . They seemed to have the perfect melding of the female and male of our species . It was Betty who had introduced me to the point system . It was a system in which one performed actions or deeds for the other party in a relationship so that later one could trade in these accumulated points for favors of one 's own . Betty called it the Adam Smith system of love - making . How could you argue with success ? " Don 't I know it , " I said shaking my head . " I always seem to be in the red with her . It 's not as if she says anything but I get the impression that nothing I do quite pleases her . And the harder I try the more irritated she appears . And the kids don 't help . As soon as she steps in the door they 're on her for one thing or another . " " That 's too bad , " Betty said shaking her head . " Worse thing that happens to a marriage is promotions . She 'll be expected to work longer hours now . " " A cottage ! " I cried . " I don 't want a cottage . I hate cottages . Hated them when I was a kid . Mosquitoes and card games . And there 's still housework for me . I 'd rather go to a hotel . At least I get someone else to serve me . " " How are you going to get back in her good graces ? " Betty asked . " You 've got to do something to jar her out of her nine - to - five rut . This could be a turning point in your marriage . " I took a deep breath . What was I going to do ? All of this seemed so far from the lives we had led when we were first married . We used to go to movies , the odd play , long drives in the country , browsing through used bookstores . Now all she wanted to do was come , put her feet up and watch figure skating on the box . I hated figure skating but felt obligated to watch . It helped accumulate points . I rushed around for the remainder of that day to clear up all the business of the day . Then I managed to farm out the kids , sending Betty over to Laura 's for an overnight , and Brian to his aunt Eunice 's across town . Brian was more difficult to persuade than Laura , twenty dollars more difficult . That 's what child rearing had come down to in our household - bribes . I visited the grocery store and bought all the ingredients for a romantic dinner . She loved roast beef , especially the way I cooked it , juicy with the beef a rosy sunburn in the middle . I baked some tea biscuits from a recipe my mother had lent me , prepared some fresh broccoli and cheese sauce , baked potatoes , horseradish , and beets . I hate beets but she had a craving for them every few weeks and we hadn 't had them for months . The kids hated beets . Debbie called them gory . I set a small table up by the dining room window , with candles , a new tablecloth , a bottle of expensive Italian wine . I cued some classical music on the stereo , a tenor called Bocelli . Everything was ready for her arrival . She was late . Time crawled along . I put the roast back in the oven . She liked her beef medium rare but she hated it cold . After waiting for half an hour I poured myself some wine from the house wine we always had sitting around . Neither of us was crazy about it , but it was cheap and did the trick on a Saturday night . Into my second glass of wine I began to worry . What if she had gotten into an accident ? It wasn 't like her to be this late without calling . What if the car broke down ? She would have phoned . By the time I finished the bottle of wine , I hardly cared why she was late , I just wanted her home . Just as I was about to dip into the expensive Italian wine I had bought for our dinner , I heard the sound of the Honda turning into the driveway . No one else applied their brakes in quite that fashion - the jerk and then the shriek . There was a courteous nod as she stepped in the door , her shoulders slouched , her briefcase dangling on the end of her arm . " Unbelievable , " she moaned . " It was one rush after another . I thought I 'd never get out of there . I hope you didn 't wait up for me to eat . We had a bite at the office . " I was watching the debates the other night . We all look for gaffes . Mistakes . But standing up in front of an audience ( knowing that there are millions of people watching you ) takes a lot of courage . And the advice you get before you go on . Relax . When I defended my Master Thesis in philosophy I was told that there were be a small panel of professors to ask me questions . And a handful of people to watch . It would last 45 minutes . Perhaps it was because of my thesis ( I was arguing that Karl Marx had misread Hegel and that communism was thus based on a flawed theory ) but the room was packed . There were people in an adjoining hallway . The experience would last over 2 hours . I was doing fine until a Professor Pinto stood up to ask a question . He asked a four part question . By the time he got to his fourth part , I could not remember the first part . I survived . But I had nightmares about that experience for months afterwards . And so the seed for this story . From my novel , The Adventures of Fred and Me : Episode 1 , Divorce and Kitty Litter . I took a swallow of water and put the cup down . By now Fred had passed out , curled in a ball with his chin resting on his right forearm . Dr . Blackstone had returned to his seat and was waiting for me to begin . " Fred and Ann don 't get along too well . Ann says that Fred is always correcting her grammar . Ann does not like to be corrected on anything . " There was a long pause as the doctor stared out at our non - existent audience . He shrugged his shoulders and waited some more . It was as if he was listening to the audience laugh . " There were many photographs on the walls of the cafe . It was the first thing I noticed when I entered the room . They were photographs of other rooms , identical with this room , with people standing side by side . These were photographs of people who had participated in earlier readings . They all looked serious , responsible , reading their work , cradling the Holy Grail of Canadian culture in their verse . And everyone in the photographs was waiting , looking in on this room , waiting for me to speak . Perhaps I , too , was in a photograph on a wall in one of their rooms waiting for them to speak . The wallpaper behind the photos was tacky , maroon and gold paisley in relief , like a view from the inside of a hooker 's heart . There was plenty of smoke drifting through the room , heavy and curling in upon itself like a dense fog off the Grand Banks . It reminded me of an old sailor I met once in the Spadina Hotel who claimed to have seen the Titanic go down . He was on a fishing boat with his father miles away from the scene , but because the night was so clear and quiet , he said he could hear the music from the ship and the screams of voices across the water , and he said he could see the lights as the big ship , nose down , sank into the stillness . I stared into the cafe . I couldn 't stop my lower lip from trembling . A room of eyes stared back at me like the lights on the Titanic . Outside on the Danforth a bus screeched to a stop . My body bolted alert . The bus doors opened with a yawn . Someone stepped out of the bus , walked a few steps across the sidewalk , dragging his left foot ever so slightly , and entered the cafe . I looked up . A beautiful blond stepped into the cafe and took a seat . Someone coughed . On the bar , coffee dripped in a coffee machine . Behind the bar , an elderly gentleman , who looked like Joe Dimaggio the Yankee skipper , grinned . Ice in someone 's lemonade began to crackle . I cleared my throat , took a mouthful of water , and forgot how to swallow . For a moment I considered spitting the water back into my glass . The blond got up from her chair and moved to a table closer to the podium . My teeth began to melt . I gargled . There was laughter and a round of applause . I looked down at the podium . My paper lay there like a dove , cooing . I was afraid to touch it , lest it take flight . The print seemed to grow smaller . It began to disappear into the distance . I charged after it , hoping to retrieve it , banging my head on the podium . There was laughter . How strange it is that at the moment before disaster strikes , the scene appeared comic . The audience assumed that this was part of my presentation . I wondered if , when the Titanic first struck the ice , someone didn 't laugh . I grinned then forgot how to stop . Someone coughed . This wasn 't how I saw myself delivering the lecture . I 'd seen many professors give lectures at the university and none had begun their talk using slapstick . The fellow who ran the coffee shop and who had introduced me , leaned against the bar watching . His name was Collins . Collins was a bearded balding fellow with a beer gut that hung over his belt like a money pouch . His main claim to fame was that he had been at Woodstock and had made love with a famous folk singer , but couldn 't remember afterwards which one she had been . There was a terrible sobriety about his gaze , like a bird of prey soaring high over a meadow looking for lunch . My eyes glided over the faces of the audience . The patrons of the cafe all looked like English majors , each one with a show me the good parts expression on their face . I thought of Ann watching television , lying on the couch in her bathrobe with a glass of coke tucked between her knees . I jerked my head . My grin fell off . " Ladies and gentlemen , " I cried out of the side of my mouth like W . C . Fields . I began my lecture . Despite Fred 's criticism , the introduction was well received . At the end of my introduction , I paused to take another sip of water . Several people coughed . Someone lit up a pipe . Someone pushed their chair back , the screech hitting a high C . The blond parted her lips to receive a cigarette . The cigarette was so white . Her teeth were so white . Smoke seemed to rise out of her eyes . I cleared my throat and found that I needed to spit . There was no place to spit . I swallowed instead . Someone groaned , " Oh my God , I 'm going to be sick . " The image of a long set of stairs crossed my mind . I couldn 't remember whether I was ascending or descending . I stepped into the body of my lecture with a discussion of the group , pushing my hair off my forehead . " The Fatherland needs growing space , " I blurted out . The room was silent . It was happening again . The black hole in the center of my consciousness was growing . I paused and looked around the room . At the back of the shop near the entrance , two people were mumbling . The thought crossed my mind that they were from the police vice squad . I can 't imagine why this thought appeared except that I had parked my car in front of a fire hydrant . Everyone turned to look at the couple . It was William Powell and Myrna Loy playing their roles as Nick and Nora Charles from the Thin Man series . Nora nudged Nick in the ribs with her elbow . Nick smiled briefly , quit talking , and then when Nora wasn 't looking , stuck his tongue out at her . I turned and stared at the floodlights focused on the podium . I saw Claude staring through the basement window into our apartment . Ann was lying on the couch in her housecoat watching television . Claude 's eyes were lasers , opening Ann 's housecoat , revealing her pale round marble breasts . I looked down at the pages in my hand . My palms were sweating , the sweat spreading across the page making the ink run . An ambulance cried out from the street . I looked up from my notes . At the back of the room I saw Ann in the shadows , naked , lying on the couch , her legs apart , moving her ass , asking someone , anyone to … " Ann ! " I cried . There was a stir in the room . I looked down into the glass of water . Claude 's face , like a bloated sucker , was swimming around , smiling up at me . " Good evening , Mr . Halliday . " I turned away . Ann looked up at me from the kitchen table , a cup of coffee in her hand . " Who are you , David ? I don 't know you anymore . Did I ever know you ? " " Excuse me ! " I said , trying to smile . Someone was standing behind me . I could feel their breath on my neck . My mouth was now racing through the text of my lecture as if the words were in a panic to be released from my tongue . I felt like a ticker tape machine in a pressroom spitting out the news from United Press . I stopped to take a breath . There was someone behind me . I spun around . For a brief moment I had a glimpse of Claude 's huge fingers crawling like a spider between Ann 's thighs , his huge thumbs parting the lips … There was nothing behind me but a blank wall with a poster advertising - DAVID HALLIDAY : THE GROWTH OF THE SELF . I turned back to the audience . There was a shuffling of chairs . A few people had begun to mumble to each other . Someone coughed . The blond glared at me , her eyes like a gun , cocked . Collins had come to attention . He looked worried . I tried to recall where I had left off . I cleared my throat and took another sip of water and then spat it back into the glass . It tasted like vinegar . I wiped my mouth with my sleeve . The image of my father ran through my mind , my father wandering through the woods alone . " I was a son once too , " he said . " I had to deal with my father , as you have to deal with me . We 're all in the same boat . " " Mr . Halliday , " he said . There was a sudden pain in my side . I continued to speak , somehow determined to finish what I had begun , believing in some crazed logic that , if I finished , everything would be alright . I looked up . Claude approached the stage . Ann stepped between us , wearing her housecoat , knelt down on the floor , her back to me , and began to pull the zipper of Claude 's trousers , down . Nick Charles stepped up behind Claude and looked over his shoulders . There was an amused smile on his face . " I fled from the stage , knocking over the podium , smashing my glass of water on the floor , and raced out of the coffee shop . The cool evening air hit me like a wall . And that 's how the evening ended . " " The evening air was cool and light as I staggered out of the cafe and it hit me like a wall . I fell against a street lamp trying to catch my breath . An old woman stepped up to me . " Have you seen my sparrow , young man ? I 've lost my little sparrow . He flew off , out of the open window when I took him out of his cage for a little exercise . He 's never done that before . And there are so many of those awful pussy cats in this neighborhood . " " You alright , mister ? " A voice cried . I turned around . A little kid , in T - shirt and shorts and bouncing a red rubber ball smiled at me . I climbed into the front seat of the Beetle and turned on the windshield wipers . I pulled out into traffic and raced down the Danforth , the events of the evening repeating themselves in vivid Technicolor in my mind : Collins standing at the bar , the blond blowing smoke rings , Nick Charles repressing a smile , Ann blowing smoke rings , Claude standing at the bar , Ann opening her housecoat , the blond opening her housecoat , Nick Charles pouring himself a drink at the bar , Collins burying his head between Ann 's thighs , Claude with an amused smile . " Have a good evening , Mr . Halliday . " My father smiled , " I had to deal with my father as you have to deal with me . " A sparrow flew through the passenger window and out my window . My father wandered through the woods . Coffee dripped . The Titanic sank . A ball bounced down the stairs . " " When I finally came to my senses , I realized that I must have been driving around for hours . I 'd forgotten all about Fred . I dreaded going back to the coffee shop , but what choice did I have ? Hopefully , everyone would have long since gone . When I returned to the scene of the crime , I found Fred waiting , leaning against a newspaper stand by the curb . I stopped the Beetle and opened the door . Fred jumped in . We moved west on the Danforth toward home . And that 's how it ended . " The doctor stood up , shook my hand and looked out into the non - existent audience as if he were listening to applause . Then the doctor checked his watch , reminded me to take my medicine and to report back in two weeks . I departed , waving to the non - existent audience as I walked off the set . I was talking to my daughter 's boyfriend . About Andrew Jackson . That he was America 's Hitler . And though he agreed with me that Jackson would be tried as a war criminal today , there was more to the story . It was interesting . I realized that I didn 't know enough about Jackson . And so I did more research . It did not change my opinion but it re - enforced a view that all of us are too hasty to make judgments with very little information . On a lot of blogs you hear people making all kinds of claims , from politics to religion to art to movies . And others repeat those views as information . Like they 'd read them in the bible . They even quote parts of the bible to back up their claims . I hope the WWW is opening people 's minds , not closing them . We should all be more skeptical . The story ' Bullies ' rose into my consciousness watching the Republican contenders in debate . It was the language of the school yard . You had the timid kid ( Ron Paul ) , the nerd ( Rick Santorum ) , the dummy ( Rick Perry ) , the rich kid ( Mitt Romney ) and the bully ( Newt Gingrich ) . The ' Bullies ' was part of a series of stories that I wrote some 30 years ago . And its rules are often learned by boys through a gauntlet of terrible experiences . We teach our boys that the bully is not liked . But you must take him into consideration . And anyone can theoretically become the bully . It just depends on the mark , the kid that gets picked on . The other lesson boys learn is that the only defense against bullies is to have friends . And so developed life long friendships . And gangs . " You think that was money , eh ? " Bower laughed . Bower a large boy of sixteen was Greg 's buddy . On a dare , Bower had burned his initials into his arm with a magnifying glass . When asked if it hurt , Bower would reply , Well , it used to . " Of course he does , " Bower added putting his hand on Danny 's shoulder as if he was guiding him through a difficult decision in the young boy 's life . " It 's a great club . We got a special handshake and a motto . What 's our motto , Greg ? " Into the far end of the schoolyard , David rode his bicycle . He stopped , noticing Bower and Greg . These were two boys he had been warned about by his friends . Now in high school , they returned to the grounds of Our Lady of Peace to re - establish their reign of terror amongst the younger boys . David wondered why they had decided to pick on Danny . Maybe Danny was just in the wrong place at the wrong time or maybe he hadn 't heard about Greg and Bower . " You don 't get it , do you ? " Greg laughed , waving his hands in the air . " In order to join our club there 's a small initiation fee . And you 've got to join . See , if you join , we 'll protect you . " Greg grabbed Danny and shoved him . Danny took a swipe at Greg . Bower grabbed Danny and bashed him on the side of the head . Danny cried out , falling to his knees . Bower grabbed the small boy and lifted him up . Across the street from the school , David spotted Mr . Moore mowing his lawn . Didn 't Mr . Moore notice what was going on ? Why didn 't he try and stop them ? Just then David noticed Greg 's attention turning toward him . At that moment , Danny made his escape . Bower tried to grab him again but it was too late . In a few brief strides , Danny was out of the schoolyard running home . It was a warm Friday . David and Michael , David 's young cousin , crossed the hydro field toward the Ashborne Fish ' n ' Chips to buy dinner for the family . Three boys , Greg Tower , Bower , and Psycho Bob , blocked their way . David took Michael 's hand and tried to walk around them . " I think she 's your girlfriend , " Psycho Bob laughed . David had been warned about Psycho Bob . He 'd been expelled from Our Lady of Peace for bringing a knife to school . Psycho Bob liked weapons . " This is our field , " he said . " I admit it ain 't much of a field , but it is ours . And you are trespassing . " " I ain 't paying no toll , " David said turning back to Greg . David tried to push past Greg . As he did , Bower came up behind David and kicked him in the back of the leg . David turned around , grabbing his leg in pain . As he did , Greg jumped on his shoulders , howling like a cowboy riding a bronco . David spun around trying to throw Greg off his back when Psycho Bob hit him lower in the legs . David turned raging with frustration . The three boys formed a circle around him . Every time he attempted to respond to one of the boy 's assaults , he was attached from the rear . Spinning around David fell to the ground . The three boys started to kick him . David curled in a ball to protect his face and balls . The three boys laughed as they continued to pummel him . Behind them Michael stood , his mouth open , trying to scream , but all that came out was a low whistle . Mr . Shanahan who was walking his dogs yelled from across the field . David looked at Michael and shook his head . David couldn 't tell his parents . His father would be disappointed that he didn 't fight back . And his mother wouldn 't let him out of the house for days . I love American elections . Everything is over the top . The participants in the run for the nomination say things about each other that you wouldn 't say to your milkman . Which is why there are no more milkmen . And then when they pick a nominee for the party everybody has to act buddy buddy . American politics are filled with statistics . Like baseball . And there is corruption . Enough for lazy people to say that 's why they opt out . And there are the melodramas . People are wondering about Romney 's Mormon beliefs . And its Gingrich that has all the wives . And the debates . Not really debates . But everyone wonders about slip ups . Did Nixon really look like a gangster in his debate with Kennedyd ? You couldn 't tell on our television . The reception on televisions wasn 't great in those days . And the spin . Everyone is always spinning . Enough to make you lose your lunch . But … I love it . This is the house where I was born . Part Two . Afternoon Shift . Open 24hrs . Stories of moments . Of clarity . Part One . Day Shift . Is published by Smashwords . I 've got to get this together for epublication . There is a third part , mostly written . Its the Graveyard Shift . Very dark . I keep remembering a guy I met one summer . Working for my tuition . We were digging a ditch . He was about 50 . Told me hopped trains during the depression across the country . And that in one of his stops he had sex with a nun . Depression - a nun - sex . Life is very odd . Mrs . Murphy bobbed up to the cashier . The classic 18 step . With her walker . Shaking those screws and bolts . Rattling . Bones and bones . None of that osseous matter . Something that the Roman Empire could never understand . Josephine , the cashier , smiled . She loved to see the old lady in her element . Not all her marbles are working but she sure can move those steins . " Got a tune in your head , eh Mrs . Murphy ? " Josephine nodded her head to one side and winked . Like the Andrew sisters . The blond one . " That 's all I want from you . " Mrs . Murphy pursed her lips . She loved to purse . " A lovely song from Jaye P . Morgan . " Josephine smiled . Then Bea , another cashier , dropped by for a moment . And the two cashiers sang together . A sunny day with bolts up to the sky . A kiss and no goodbye . That 's all I want from you . The two cashiers laughed . In perfect harmony . Bea moved on . Shuffling her feet . Waving the palms of her hands in the liquescent air . " You 've got to have some fun , " Josephine said . Flashing her pearlies . Pieces of dental floss hanging out of her mouth . Like Romeo 's braided twine to Juliet . And never the twine shall meet . Mrs . Murphy smiled patiently . She loved the song , but didn 't appreciate these kids confiscating her mood . Why do they consider their own thoughts worth expressing ? " I guess every generation has an ipod in their head , " Josephine said . Josephine loved to imagine that she could smooth over any discord . With her sassy observations . But Mrs . Murphy had no idea what an ipod was . She would have understood jukebox . Making the gap between the generations . A language problem between teenagers from different eras . " I don 't know about that honey , " Mrs . Murphy said shaking her head , " but I feel like there 's a juke box playing in my head . Those tunes fall into place . Can 't help but put you on your toes . Make me feel like smoking a Chesterfield . Oh boy . What a time we had during the war . The best of times as they say . My goodness how I loved to dance . My mother would have sworn that I 'd been swept away by the devil himself . " The two cashiers sang , Don 't let me down , Oh show me that you care . Remember when you give , You also get your share . Don 't let me down , I have no time to waste . Tomorrow might not come , When dreamers dream too late . Mrs . Murphy was not so impressed . She watched Bea dance toward the magazine stand . Where she was shuffling in the new magazines . And noticed her ass . Wide load on that carriage . " She is very annoying , isn 't she ? " Mrs . Murphy said . And wondered why people insisted on imposing their silliness on other folks who might have wonderful thoughts in their heads . " You don 't say , " Mrs . Murphy responded leaning on the counter . Her hand jumping . Her jowls shaking . " You know there are no old people . Some of us just have bad makeup . " Mrs . Murphy noticed that the young woman was impressed by her remark , a remark that she had repeated thousands of time over the last few years . After she read it in a Chinese fortune cookie . Still it made her think better of the young woman . " Or maybe it 's the other way round , " the old lady said caught up in her own nimble wit . " Maybe we 're all old . And being young is an illusion . A joke . A tease . " At that moment Bea showed up again and the two cashiers finished singing their song . A little love that slowly grows and grows . Not one that comes and goes . That 's all I want from you . Bea and Josephine laughed . And when they were finished they noticed that Mrs . Murphy had departed . Left all of her things behind . Unbagged . Unpaid for . |
Arni the Madhawk lay awake in bed , with his gronckle guarding the door , he had just come back from a long sea voyage and was greeted by a bunch of problems , like sheep and cattle disappearing , along with necklaces and other items . It was tough being the chief of a poor viking settlement , but he did it anyway . He was terribly tired but couldn 't go to sleep . His gronckle , who was always alert all of a sudden started drifting asleep , Arni 's eyelids began drooping and he fell into a deep , dreamless sleep . His door quietly opened , a girl in a black suit with brown , wavy hair that gently fell on her shoulders , she was as skinny as a chicken bone which made it easier for her to squeeze through narrow areas . She stepped over the gronckle and walked up to Arni 's bed , and lifted up her dagger . . . . and took his gold necklace that was around his neck , she did did this with caution and made sure that if he woke , she 'd stab him in the heart with her dagger , though she could scream at the top of her lungs and nobody would wake up , or at least that was what the witch told her . Still , the witch could have been lying , but that didn 't matter . She put the necklace in a small pouch tied around her waist . Then she left . They were fighting , they had blonde hair and viking helmets and they were fighting . The boy had long blonde hair , just like the girl . Ondotte assumed they were twins , she closed her eyes , trying to hold back the tears . Memories came flowing back into her brain , memories she tried to forget . They couldn 't be her next victim , they reminded her to much about him , her brother , he taught her everything there was to know about stealing . But one wrong move lead to death , his death . She looked back at them , the girl wore rags , there wasn 't much to steal from them , expect the tooth necklaces they were wearing , but the necklaces wouldn 't give her food or shelter . Ondotte didn 't know what they were fighting about , there was a sudden urge to ask them and help them find a solution , the urge to talk to someone , to have a friend , but she couldn 't , she came to Berk for a reason , to steal a chicken or goat , if they had any , and a sword , then go on her way . Just another day in the thieving business , not a day to make friends . But she listened to them fight , she heard a few words like " Ruffnut ! " and " You never listen to me ! " but the rest was inaudible . Ondotte looked around . Then she opened a bottle and drank the green liquid inside , it was fowl . She gagged and opened another bottle , green mist came out and spread over the house . She took a sword and went up the stairs , in one room she found a boy as thin as a stick , he was missing a leg . In another room was a man that was complete opposite of the boy . Ondotte figured it was the chief , but who was the boy ? He was honestly too skinny and puny to be his son , but hey , who knows ? Certainly not her . She left the house and looked at the village . Must be nice having a home . Ondotte felt something following her , she turned around and immediately regretted it , it was a night fury . Big and black and growling at her , she winced . " Are you from the house I just left ? " she asked , her voice trembling . The dragon growled . Ondotte assumed that was a yes , fear went away and anger swelled up inside of her . The witch lied , the bottle didn 't work . If she , by some miracle , lived , she would kill the witch , but right now the most important thing was how . How was she going to live ? " Are you hungry ? " she asked in a polite tone , trying not to sound scared . She pulled out a small fish in her bag and handed it to the dragon , her supper was gone . Ondotte stepped into the boat , her dragon , a white terrible terror that could speak norse , perched on her shoulder . Ondotte smiled " Hello " she said in a soft voice . " Why are you late ? " The dragon said . " I 'm sorry but I had to distract a night fury , " Ondotte said . " Where are we going ? " " Well , " the dragon said " I was thinking we go to a rich village and steal their loot . " " No , the potion doesn 't work , we can 't risk it . " " But . . but . . but . . . we need money , we can 't become beggars ! ! ! ! ! ! ! They don 't get anything anyway , and I don 't know about you , but I don 't want to starve " the dragon said hotly . " And we won 't , we just need a plan . . . . . . . . . a good one . " Ondotte said . " And what is that plan ? " The dragon asked . " I . . . . . . . . . . . I don 't know . " She admitted . " Well . . . . . . . there Is always THE plan " The dragon said looking at the ground . Ondotte looked at him " fine " she said . Glum watched them , coming and going . He watched them from a dark alley . They rushed back to their homes . Wimps , all of them . They were scared of being robbed . They were scared of Kol the Treacherous , he wasn 't even a good thief and they were scared , he was the one everybody should be afraid of , not Kol . Oh well , he walked out into the open . People scowled as they saw him walk by . Glum couldn 't figure out why they hated him , granted he was dressed in rags and was dirty , but that didn 't matter . He stopped . There , in the crowd of people , was a girl . He had seen plenty of girls in his lifetime , but this one he never saw . The village was huge , that was a fact , and always busy , but he had plenty of time to look at the many girls in the village and he never saw this one before . She wore a dress , like other girls , but this one constantly picked at her dress , Glum assumed she didn 't like it . Her hair was brown and wavy and fell gently on her shoulders . Her eyes were blue . He instinctively started walking towards her , but he tripped over a terrible terror and landed face first in the mud . He looked up , the girl was gone . Ondotte looked around the village , it was crowded . She felt someone was looking at her so she started walking , she turned to a dark alley and stopped . She felt a hand go into her pocket and she grabbed the . . . . . . . . soft , small hand . She looked down , a young girl , about seven or eight years old was staring at her , " please let me go ! " She pleaded " I just needed food and money and my mommy forced me to ! " " What 's your name ? " Odotte said . " Thyra " the girl said . " Well Thyra , would you like to come with me I 'll give you food , then you can go back to your mommy " the girl shook her head " I don 't want to go back to mommy , she 's evil , and mean . I wanted to run away , but she wouldn 't let me . She said that she couldn 't be caught stealing , and that since I 'm only six , they would let me free , can I come with you ? " Thyra said . " Sure " Ondotte smiled . She would have a helper . " ONDOTTE ! ! ! ! ! ! ! " The dragon came flying by , " never leave me like that . " " Is that a talking dragon ? " Thyra asked . " Yes , yes it is " the dragon said . " What 's it 's name ? " Thyra asked . Arni sat on his chair . After his necklace was stolen he started saying that anybody who found that thief and his stolen necklace , he would give them two , full bags of gold . However only one person agreed . He would be meeting this person soon in an hour or so . A boy , about eighteen years old came in , " what up " he said . Arni was about to speak up when he started talking again " I 'm Kol , and I 'm here to ki - I mean capture your thief , " " I 'm sorry but we already have someone " Arni said " I don 't think he 's coming " Kol said . " Well , you better start searching then " Arni said . Kol walked out of the room , where he was greeted by a boy " so how 'd it go he asked nervously . " Everything is going according to plan " Kol said , a grin on his face . Glum walked the streets , feeling stupid and , well . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . glum . Even if he had talked to the girl she would scowl at him like everybody else . Plus she probably doesn 't have to steal to eat . He stared at his feet , kicking pebbles . " No . We can 't name him princess " said a voice . Glum looked up , the voice came from around the corner . " Why not ? " another voice said . " Because he 's a male " said another voice , but he sounded like a boy . He looked cautiously around the corner . It was the girl ! Her deep blue eyes shone like stars in the the moonlight . She had a dragon on her shoulder , it was white , and looked like a terrible terror . No , it wasn 't just white , it had a light blue color here and there , and his wings were all light blue . The other girl , probably the one that wanted to name whoever ' he ' was princess . The girl crossed her arms , " then I 'm not helping " " maybe we can name him something else , like . . . . . . . . . . . . . . what do you think about . . . . . . . . . . Sam " the girl / angel said . " NO ! " the girl said . Glum stepped forward , accidentally snapping a twig . They turned toward him . He felt his legs trembling . " Hi " he managed to say . Glum noticed the girl 's hand was on her dagger . The younger girl looked confused . " Hey , I know a name for whoever your talking about . " He said awkwardly . " Well then , what is it ? " The older girl said , " first , who you talking about ? " Glum said . " The dragon " both girls said . " Dragon " Glum said . Ondotte looked around , the boy , who said his name was Glum , had stopped the fight that was going on last night . She didn 't know how , but he did . and that was a good thing . He was a thief , like her , only he had a home . Glum came running to where she sat with four fresh bread rolls . He handed one to Thyra , then Dragon , and lastly to her . He sat next to her and took a bite out of his own bread roll . Ondotte tried not to stare , but she couldn 't help it , he had blonde hair , freckles and green eyes , there was something about him that made her . . . . . . nervous . " So . . . . . . . . . . . " he began " What brings you here ? " " Oh , I am aiming to steal all the gold in that tower " she said , pointing to a tower . " Let me help " Glum said . Ondotte stared at him " there is a lot in that tower , you 'll need help . " He continued . " Well , then we better start making plans " Ondotte said , a grin on her face . CHAPTER FOUR Kol looked around . They weren 't there . Okay , so they left . Doesn 't matter . He has spies all over the village , shouldn 't be that hard to find three people , and a dragon . This would be easy . Kol started walking along the road . He stopped at a house that really was old and looked like it would collapse any minute . He knocked on the door three times , three short knocks . The door opened , and out came a women that looked as old as her home . Her hair was completely white and her face as pale and white as milk , but not as smooth as milk , in fact it looked like a raisin , all wrinkly . " Hello " she said warmly , with a smile on her wrinkly , old face . Kol looked at her in disgust , " You know , it 's getting hard to believe you were once the most beautiful maiden any man has laid his eyes on " Kol said . The woman 's smile disappeared . " Do you know where they are " she said , her voice stern and harsh . " Not exactly " Kol began " but , I will find them soon enough , I 'll hire my men to search for them " the woman stared at him with her white eyes , she didn 't even have pupils , just a pool of white . " However , I am aware that she is with two people , a boy , and a girl " Kol said " and , the girl just so happens to be a thief , most wanted , we could earn two full bags of gold if we turn her in " Kol started getting excited . " And . . . . the boy , what do we do with him " " Once we capture them I 'm pretty sure will find out " Kol said . " Well then , you better get started . " The woman had a grin that made Kol shiver . He ran to a dark alley " WELL BOYS , " he screamed " I NEED YOU ' RE HELP ! ! " Ondotte and Glum walked side by side , carefully avoiding each other 's eyes . Thyra noticed this and ran up to them and started holding their hands and singing " MY FRIENDS , MY FRIENDS , FRIENDS , FRIENDS , FRIENDS , LOVE EACH OTHER ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! " The song was annoying and Ondotte and Glum tried to make her stop . Eventually they made her stop but that was when they accidentally touched each other 's hands and looked at each other . After that it got awkward , but Thyra kept humming a very familiar tune , in fact , it was the friend song . After a while Ondotte felt eyes upon her , she prayed to Odin it was Glum , but when she looked at him he was looking at a women carelessly putting a gold necklace in a poorly tied pouch . Ondotte felt the urge to run , so she did . She grabbed Thyra and started running . Men dressed in black started running after her . They came from every dark alley and abandoned shop or house , and started running after them . Ondotte didn 't look to see if Glum was following , she just ran . When she felt too tired to run anymore she kept running . It grew dark and only when she knew they were gone she stopped . She looked around , it was dark and trees were everywhere " where are we ? " Thyra asked . Ondotte breathed deeply and said " in the woods , don 't worry , I 'll make a fire , and shelter . " She got up and looked around . It reminded her of a place in her past , she found herself choking back tears . It took a while for Ondotte to cut some wood for a fire , but eventually she got it and was getting warm next to a fire . " Would . . . . . . . . it . . . . . . . . . . . kill you . . . . . . . to wait ! " Dragon said breathing hard . Ondotte looked at him , she forgot him . Glum came following behind Dragon . He said nothing . Ondotte felt ashamed , she didn 't even give warning to them . " Sorry " she said , Glum sat next to her and stared in the fire . Dragon did the same . " Why don 't we call you Drag ? " Thyra said after a while , breaking the silence . " Since you 're always a drag " she continued " well , I 'm calling him Drag " Glum stared at her . Glum stared at Thyra as she slept , Ondotte was next to him , asleep . Dragon , or Drag , fell asleep two minutes after they found Ondotte and Thyra . Now , he was the only one awake . Glum had noticed that when siblings were playing on the street Ondotte would stare at them . She must have a sibling , or she wouldn 't bother to look . He was waiting for a chance to ask her and now , everyone was asleep . Should he wake her up ? A wolf howled in the distance . Ondotte 's eyes fluttered open . She stood up slowly and looked at him , then Thyra , then Dragon . " You know Drag 's a pretty good name for him " she said . " Do you have any siblings ? " Glum said . " Do you ? " she asked . " No " Glum answered . " I do , or at least I did " Ondotte said looking at the moon " a twin brother , taught me how to steal . But one day he made one wrong move . He was hanged . " Ondotte looked at Glum " his name was Falki . " " You saw him being hanged ? " Glum asked . Ondotte smiled " no , and thank Odin I didn 't , otherwise I would be having nightmares to this day . " Ondotte 's smile disappeared . She looked at her feet . " Goodnight " she said . " WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY GOT AWAY ! ! " Kol 's face was bright red . " Sorry sir , but they ran into the black woods . . . . . . . . they 'll be eaten for sure . " said one of the men dressed in black , he was younger than most of them and he had brown hair with blue eyes . " BE QUIET ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! I TRUSTED YOU TO BRING THEM BACK ! ! ! ! ! NOT BE DEVOURED IN THE BLACK WOODS ! ! ! " Kol screamed . Oh well , it didn 't matter . He would get them , he would just have to wait . . . . . . Thyra looked up at the stars , she got up , and looked around , everyone was asleep . Which meant it was safe . She walked to a nearby clearing , there was a lake . She looked a her reflection , her straight , long , blonde hair needed to be cut , she looked weird with long hair . Her skin was pale , and eyes were brown . Her outfit was green , but it looked more brown than green with all the mud . But it didn 't matter , what mattered was that she was safe , safe from that witch , and her big brother . She was safe with Ondotte , Glum , and Drag . She smiled and walked back to camp feeling happy . She was safe . Thyra looked at the stars , it seemed so long ago when she met Ondotte and Glum . And it was so long ago , 5 years , now she was eleven . Thyra smiled , she thought that when she turned eleven she would be able to help them . She always admired them , after they met they started stealing from the rich , and giving to the poor . When she turned eleven she had asked them if she could help , " but you are helping " they had said . " No , I 'm just helping pass out the gold and bread , I mean the real stuff , stealing " Thyra said . " Show us you 're ready . " So Thyra showed them , she walked on eggs , without breaking or cracking even one of them . She tried everything she could and they said no . She knew it was because they cared and didn 't want her to get caught , but it was so unfair . She wanted to be like Ondotte , all the guys stared goofy looks at Ondotte , and it made sense , she was like an angel . But was was Thyra ? A girl that had short blonde hair , a red shirt , a striped skirt that was red and black , and striped tights , with a brown jacket . She wanted to stay awake and wait for Ondotte and Glum , but she was so tired , she drifted asleep . She woke up after a while , she had a nightmare , Ondotte and Glum had been captured , by the witch and that fat lady , and Kol . But it was just a dream , it wasn 't true . She stopped , something was watching her , she turned to a side , there was a . . . . . . figure . Ondotte felt stupid . She had been caught . Glum didn 't like the guy that caught them , Kol was his name . And now they were probably going to die . " NO ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! I NEED THEM HANGED IN MY COURTYARD TOMORROW ! ! ! ! ! ! " A voice said . " Sorry my queen , but you need to wait at the least a month . " Another voice said . Ondotte sighed . It would be a while ' till she would join her brother . " I need you to to help me " the queen was standing next to Ondotte and Glum , three soldiers were behind her . " What makes you think will help you " Glum said . " Because " a fourth soldier walked into the room , Thyra was dragged behind him . " You don 't want your little friend to get hurt , now would you ? " Glum looked at Thyra , she had a cut on her cheek , it was dangerously close to her eye . " This one , " the soldier said " was a challenge , took me forever to knock her out . " " Fine , what do you want us to do ? " Ondotte asked . " Well , first let me tell you the story of Vlarg the innocent . " The queen had a devilish grin on her face . Ever since Vlarg was a child , he had experimented with animals and dragons that he had caught . It was dangerous , but that was what he did . His mother highly disapproved . " You know , Vlarg . You 're gonna get killed by that dragon . I feel it in my bones " his mother said . " Don 't worry mother " he always said . One day a terrible terror got frustrated with Vlarg and bit his neck . Blood spilled every where , and in spite , his mother killed that terror . Vlarg and the terror 's blood mixed together , it turned purple and Vlarg , amazed touched it . It was smooth on his skin . It absorbed in his skin and he got up . The wound on his neck was gone . It was like it never happened . . . . . Vlarg stopped experimenting with dragons . He became a blacksmith and had two children . His life became normal , like every other viking in town . He didn 't like it . One day he took his daughter , Kadlin , to a place he never showed anyone , it was a waterfall , with a few mountains and plenty trees . " This here is a place I call Mount Kadlin . " He said . Kadlin noticed that there was a cave behind a waterfall . " Can we go in there ? " she said . " Sure honey " he replied . The cave was dark , and quiet . Vlarg didn 't know that his other daughter , Finna , was there . She was angry Kadlin had always gotten the best , and now she wanted revenge . She held a knife in her hand . Kadlin walked blindly up to her . This was her chance , she threw the knife at her sister . . . but instead of hearing her sister 's cry , she heard a grunt . She looked up . Her father had taken the blow , and he was on the ground . Purple blood oozed out of the wound , " NO ! " Kadlin screamed . " Oh shut up , " Finna said . Finna felt bad , she hadn 't intended to strike her father , but Kadlin was alive . She needed to do something , but she could only think of one thing , " you will breed boys for the next thousand years , then you will have a girl , and I will hunt her down . " And she left . " So . . . . . . . . how does this have to do with us ? " Glum asked . " I want that dagger , " the Queen said simply . " So , where is it located ? " " There is a place . It is heavily guarded , and we suspect the dagger is hidden there . You go there , steal the dagger , and you go free . " The queen was weird , that was a fact , the witch walked up to the queen and looked at Glum . " You ! " Ondotte said suddenly . " I 've been meaning to having a talk with you for a while . That sleeper potion , does not work ! ! ! ! " " Be quiet , it doesn 't work on night furies " the witch said simply . " You are stupid . " " You are even more stupid , " " oh I can assure you dear brother , you are the king of stupidity . " " Oh , thank you , dear sister , but I can assure you you are even more stupid AND dumb than I could ever be . " " Oh , stop it . " Thyra opened her eyes . Her mouth felt dry and salty . In front of her was two figures , a boy and a girl . " Oh look , dear brother , she woke up " the girl said . " Are you sure , I think she could be male " " no , it is a girl , I 'm positive . " " Uhh , hi " Thyra said . " Hello , I 'm Monjuljgkqfmmbiwigjamck " the girl said " and I 'm Monjuljjkqfmmbiwigjamck " the boy said . " Uhh , you have the same name ? " " Yup " " Is there a shorter way to say that " " yes . " " Oh , good , what is it ? " " Monjuljgkqfmmbiwigjam " Thyra stared at them . " Why don 't I call you Monjul " she finally said . " Okay " the two said at the same time . " Hey where am I ? " Thyra asked . " You 're in the dungeon . We came here because we heard the food was good " the girl said " can you help me get out of here ? " Thyra asked . " Why would you want to leave ? " The boy asked . A rat crawled over his foot . " Oh , well , this isn 't . . . I just want to meet my mom again " Thyra said . " You 're lying . " The girl said " you don 't have a mommy , or a daddy . Just a brother , you try to run away from him , why ? " " Because he 's evil " Thyra said . The girl stared at her , then she handed Thyra a key . " Here " she said . Thyra smiled . Drag the dragon felt wet , he opened his eyes . He was in a pond . " Thyra " he whispered . Then he closed his eyes again . Thyra would be okay , she was strong she would not need help anymore . She had two friends helping her , and she would soon meet another . She was strong , and she would restore balance . But it would take a while , he had to wait . " You sure you want to leave ? " The girl asked " it is quite nice here " " I have to Monjul , I need to help my friends " Thyra said while looking for any guards , nope . Thyra took out the key and unlocked the door , and stepped out . She walked toward the exit , thinking that this would be much easier than expected . " Bye " the two Monjuls said as they closed the cell door . Thyra walked out , thinking if she could find where they were without being caught , if they were here . " This is truly the best idea yet " a voice that Thyra recognized as Kol , " they will steal the dagger for us then we will get on with our work , they will be helping us . We don 't have to do the hard part , the rest will be smooth sailing . " He said " if they finish the task of course . " Thyra sneezed , she heard footsteps coming to the door , she ran . The place was a maze , and Thyra ran hoping that she wouldn 't get lost . Eventually after running for so long she finally reached the exit and ran into the garden , it turned out to be another maze . A hundred guards were after her and she prayed to Thor she would get out of this alive . A dead end . The guards caught up with her , and there were two choices Thyra could make , surrender , or jump off the cliff behind her . " Well , well , well " Kol said as he walked toward Thyra " long time no see , well I finally got you " Thyra felt like punching him in the nose , but there were a hundred soldiers , armed with swords and axes , punching him wasn 't going to be a good idea . " Give up " he said " give up and this would be easier for all of us . After all , you already have no other choice . " " I 'd rather die fighting than give up now " Thyra said . " Oh , isn 't five years enough . I gave you a reasonable amount of time and you want more ? I never knew you could be so greedy " Kol said . " Oh well , doesn 't matter . GUARDS ! ! ! ! " He yelled . Thyra wasn 't going to give up , no , she wouldn 't allow it . She would probably still die , but at least he won 't have it his way . And with that she turned around and jumped off the cliff . Ondotte and Glum set out around dawn . The moon was full , all was quiet . " I don 't know " Glum said when he got into their little boat . " It seems risky , couldn 't we use a dragon instead ? " " They didn 't allow me to borrow one " Ondotte said and began rowing . Glum helped her , he tried to look heroic and impress Ondotte but he was failing , like every other guy she met . He kept glancing over his shoulder to make sure no one was following , he also had a worried look in his eyes that most heroes hardly ever have . When they reached the island the place was heavily guarded , but you wouldn 't actually see anybody through all the fog . " Someone is guarding that door too " Ondotte murmured to herself . " How can you see through all the fog ? " Glum asked . " The witch gave me a potion , so I can see . . . . nobody 's guarding that door over there , we could sneak in through there . " She said . Thyra felt she was going to die . The falling never seemed to end . Would she die before hitting the ground ? Now THAT would be pathetic , she would live until she hit the floor . A real viking would do that , and they wouldn 't be afraid of death either . Still she felt terrified , how was it going to feel like hitting the ground . Thyra would never truly know how it would feel , for a dragon swooped down and grabbed her ankle just before she could hit the ground . The dragon flew up , all the way into the clouds and threw Thyra in the air . She started screaming but the dragon caught her and she ended up sitting on it 's back . Thyra breathed heavily , trying to take it all in . She jumped off a cliff but a dragon caught her , flew up into the air , dropped her and caught her again and now she was riding on his back , cool . The dragon landed next to a waterfall . Thyra stared at the waterfall in amazement , the color was purple , and looked a little like blood instead of water , the trees around them were huge , this place was beautiful . The dragon walked up to her . " Thank you , " Thyra said . She looked at the dragon and gasped . It was a night fury . Thyra only saw one night fury in her entire life , back on Berk . It was playing with a scrawny boy that was missing a leg , along with a girl that had blonde hair , a blue shirt and a skirt with spikes on it . At the time Thyra thought that night furies were extinct , and the blonde girl was with him because he had a night fury . But now there was probably another reason why she was hanging out with him . " Why did you save me ? " Thyra asked . It was a stupid question because dragons can 't talk , unless he spoke that strange talk all the other dragons used to communicate , but it didn 't matter because she could even speak their language so the Thyra and the night fury had no way of communicating . " Do you know where my friends are ? " Thyra said . The dragon shook his head . " Well , they are probably stealing something right now , do you by any chance know what they are going to steal " Thyra knew this was useless , but they were stealing something , she knew it . They were always stealing . Something that Kol had said struck her thoughts " they will steal the dagger . " What dagger ? She looked at the night fury , it had a blank expression on his face , he obviously didn 't know what was going on . " Do you know anything about the dagger ? " Thyra felt really stupid when she said this . How could a dragon know what she was talking about . The night fury nodded his head for the first time since they met . Hope welled up inside Thyra and she smiled the biggest smile she ever smiled . The cave smelled damp . Thyra looked around . This was where that mysterious dagger was ? " How could this be the place ? " She asked the night fury . " Because this is where he was killed . " Thyra turned around , was someone with them ? She didn 't see anybody , so who said that ? She thought it was her imagination and tried to put it to aside . " My father " the voice said again . The voice was smooth , and sounded soft , Thyra could hardly hear her . " Who are you ? " The voice said again . " I 'm Thyra , who are YOU ? " Thyra said . " People call me the father - killer , definitely a stupid name to call someone , but they never were bright . " " Well then , did you have another name , you know before they called you father - killer . " The voice sighed " It has been such a long time I hardly remember anything , but I think my name was . . . . . . . . . no , I am sorry but i don 't remember . " " Could I see you ? " Thyra asked hopefully . The woman was rather beautiful , she had auburn hair and pale skin and green eyes . " Wow " Thyra breathed . " Are you saying that she escaped " the witch asked . " Well , she jumped off a cliff . . . however we didn 't find her body yet , she could have lived . " Kol and the witch were in a small , dusty room . The witch looked much older " time is running out " she said . Thyra stared at the woman for a long time , " do you know where a dagger is ? " Thyra said finally . " Oh yes I do " she said " but I can 't give it to you . " The woman pulled a dagger from her pocket " you must prove yourself worthy . " " How do I do that ? " Thyra asked . " You must steal an emerald necklace from the chief of the berserk tribe . " " No ! I can 't do that , he 's crazy . . . . I will die ! " Thyra protested . Ondotte and Glum walked down the narrow corridors " where are all the guards ? " Glum asked . " Stop " Ondotte took a small bottle and opened it . The wooden dragons that had been on the wall started breathing fire . " How ? " Glum asked . Ondotte smiled and did some flips and cartwheels to avoid the fire , when she reached the end she pulled a lever and the dragons stopped . Glum walked over to Ondotte in amazement " wow " he said . As they walked up the stairs Ondotte could feel Glum 's eyes on her . When they got to the top there was a door . Glum reached for the handle and opened the door . " Hello . " A girl with a mohawk and rings all around her body was sitting in a room on a chair , she was dressed in black and had black lips and Glum felt a little like puking at the sight of her . " You know the dagger isn 't here " she said . " Then where is it ? " " If I were you I wouldn 't come back " she said . Thyra left the cave and set out for the Berserk islands after a while . She thought it was a suicide mission , she was right . When she got there she hid her night fury in the woods and tried to find the chief 's house . She walked along the trees knowing that she would die . Eventually the berserkers came out for their sacrifice and Thyra saw the chief come out of a house and when she was sure no one was watching she entered the house . Thyra looked around to see nothing that looked like what she needed . " Hold on I forgot something " a voice said . Thyra froze , she looked around for any place to hide , but before that happened , a big pair of hands grabbed her . Thyra awoke tied in chains . She looked around , Berserkers were everywhere . " Who are you , what do you want ? " The chief asked . " I 'm am Thyra and I was looking for an emerald necklace " Thyra said . The chief laughed , " I don 't have an emerald necklace , why would I have that ? " He asked . Thyra was silent , she had been tricked , and now she was going to die . " Please don 't kill me ! ! I 'm only eleven " Thyra pleaded . " Can you swim ? " " no " Thyra said , then she regretted it . They picked her up and carried her towards the ocean . She screamed " no ! " But they wouldn 't listen , after all , they were Berserkers . Thyra closed her eyes as they dropped her , she felt the water wash over her body . She felt something grab her leg and she was pulled down into the deep black ocean . Olegushka looked out . The ocean was big and dark ; he wondered what would happen if the air bubble he was in burst , well , he would die . No matter how many ocean friends he had in the ocean to help him he was still old , too old . He rubbed his bald scalp and thought . " You know Rey , " he said to his best friend , a bright orange fish . " It isn 't fun being five thousand years old . I would like to die now . " Oh , how he wished to die . If only … but no , he was trapped in this blasted bubble with no one but fish to talk to . He laughed , remembering when he was first trapped in the bubble . He walked over to a small drawer and opened it . In the drawer was a scroll that Olegushka looked at so often . The scroll said that when he learned his lesson , a girl with the name of a god would free him and he would die . At first he wanted to never meet this girl , but as he grew older his mind changed and he realized that it wasn 't so fun living forever . " The name of the god … " he whispered . Who could that be ? He started humming a tune that he long forgot . The girl that would save him would know the tune . " The name that means god " Rey said . " I know someone who has the name of the god … " " Really ? Who is it ? " The fish stared at him . " Go , study " he finally said . Olegushka sighed and walked over to his study room . Wait , it said that Thyra means god . . . " Is it Thyra ? " " Yes " the fish said . " Thyra … someone ! ! ! Find this girl , Thyra … " " Sir " a sword fish said from the window " we know not how she looks , and plus there are millions of girls name Thyra … " " Don 't think like that . Think positive . " " Ah - hem , sorry to bother you but we found a girl … Just floating in the ocean ! " Olegushka smiled , " bring her in ! " " You sure it 's supposed to be Thyra , Astrid means god , and beauty . It 's perfect , and what about Alfdis ? " " Very true , but there 's something about the name Thyra that speaks to me … the girl is Thyra , I 'm sure about it now . There 's also something about this girl right here … she could be the one " " now don 't jump to conclusions here , you 've only just seen her . " " I know that . However it just seems weird , she was floating around in the ocean and came to me . I think its destiny . " Thyra listened to their conversation from her room . She wondered what they were talking about . They came into Thyra 's room ; Thyra got a chance to look at them for the first time . She gasped . The man was OLD . While the other man was … an octopus . " AAAAAAAAAHH ! ! ! " Thyra screamed . " SHHH , honey don 't worry , it 's going to be okay " " I 'm hallucinating ! " Thyra ran out of the room but the octopus used one of its arms to grab her and pull her back . " It 's okay " the old man said , " This is Paul " " Paul ? What kind of octopus is named Paul ? " " I am " the octopus squeezed Thyra tighter . " Stop " Thyra breathed , unable to speak . Paul let go " you 're lucky I 'm not a boa constrictor " he muttered under his breath . " What do you want ? " Thyra turned to the old man . The man took a deep breath and said , " I need you to kill me . " " So let me get this straight " Thyra said , " You want me to kill you because you 've been alive for five thousand years and have been living with fish . " " And you will help kill me and break the curse . Wait . " The old man started humming a tune . " Hey I know that tune " " really ? " " Yah , my mother sang it to me when I was little . " The man 's eyes widened . He walked over to a bowl and picked up something . He walked over to Thyra " here , take him . " It was a bubble with a bright orange fish inside . Thyra took the bubble and examined the fish . " This fish , how will it help me ? " " To kill me , you need to go to the forbidden island and steal a jar of jam from the hideous witches , and you also need to get past the island 's monster . " " Two things : monsters and jam ? " Thyra looked at him . " The monster is said to be a creature that was found on the island and the only person that can make friends with him is the guardian who is said to be very tough , yes he is the toughest guy in the world . Anyway I need the jam . " " Why jam ? " " Because the jam was mixed with a special herb that will break my curse so I can die . " Thyra breathed deeply " okay , I 'll do it " she said remembering terrible the last one went . " Good , by the way my name is Olegushka " he said . " I 'll let you sleep here for the night , oh what 's your last name ? " " I 'm Thyra Bloodyheart Nefiro " Thyra answered proudly . " And your brother ? " " How do you know I have a brother ? " Thyra asked furiously . " Never mind " Olegushka said , " I have something to show you . " He led Thyra into a room . " Wow " Thyra breathed . " It was your father 's " Olegushka smiled , remembering when he met Thyra 's father . " What 's this ? " Thyra pointed to a big black book . " That was his book of names and meanings , he chose Thyra because it meant god . " Thyra flipped through the pages , there were plenty of other more beautiful names , like Astrid , but he chose Thyra . She noticed a small leather book . Olegushka noticed her looking at it and picked it up . " 8 , 4 , 9 , 7 , 2 . What could that be ? " He asked . Thyra merely shrugged . " Well , you better go to bed , big day tomorrow . " Thyra ran . She didn 't know why she was running , she just ran . " Wait ! " She called . Tears streamed down her cheeks . She didn 't know why she was crying either . Thyra watched herself as she ran down the street crying and screaming " No ! Stop ! " She woke up . Thyra looked at the little orange fish , it was looking at her . The fish seemed weird ; Thyra felt it would talk to her any minute now . She groaned , realizing where she was . She got up , took a bath , changed , and went down stairs for breakfast . Thyra ate little , a piece of bread and cheese , was all she ate . Thyra looked out at the sea . It seemed so different on the surface . " There you go , " the octopus used one of his long arms to grab Thyra and dropped her on the sand . " Thank you " Thyra said . " No problem , Ms . Nefiro . " The octopus said and swam back to the dark depths of the ocean . Thyra looked around . The island was quite beautiful , lush green forests and warm weather . The ocean was greenish bluish and was crystal clear . Thyra took out the orange fish . " So , how you going to help me ? " She asked . " Well , I 'm going to lead you to the house , but that 's it . " The fish said bluntly . Thyra opened her eyes wide . " You … you can … talk " she stuttered . " Yes , is that abnormal for you ? " " Yes . " " Oh , " the fish looed surprised , " I didn 't know that . However you have experienced talking dragons and a ghost … personally I thought you would make a big deal about it . " " Oh no ! " Thyra screamed , " I forgot about Night Shadow . " " Who is Night Shadow ? " The fish asked . " My night fury " Thyra said . " Oh , well let 's worry about him later , " The fish said . " All right where is the - " Thyra stopped in mid - sentence and smiled . She jumped on the rocks that were floating in the water . " Thyra ! " The fish screamed , " You 're going the wrong way ! " " Who cares ? " Thyra screamed . She kept jumping on the rocks . She finally bumped her head on a wall and fell into the knee - deep lake . Thyra woke up being nagged by the orange fish . " Why did you do that ! ? ! I mean now look what trouble you brought us ! " " I don 't know why I did that , okay . " The fish was down right annoying and Thyra wished he would shut up , not that her wish came true . " Blah blah blah , I would have an easier time guiding a bunsh of monkeys , blah blah blah . " The fish didn 't really say " blah " but to Thyra , that 's what he said . Thyra looked around , they were in a cave of some sort … Suddenly a big roar came from the dark end of the cave . The fish finally fell silent . " What was that ? " Thyra asked . " Sound to me like a Seadragonus Giganticus Maximus " the fish answered . " A sea - what ? " There was a scuffling from one corner and a girl came out . She had brown hair and her face was awfully dirty . She was dressed in rags ; a wool coat covered her shoulders like a blanket . She also had a skull as a hat . She was armed with a bow and arrow and a spear . Thyra thought the girt was about her age , probably older . " Who are you ? " She asked . " Um , well I 'm Thyra " said Thyra . " And I 'm Rey " the orange fish said . The girl stared at them . " Who are you ? " Thyra dared ask . " Vigdis " " Vigdis ? " " Yup , means battle goddess , which suits me , I 'm going to kill you now , if you don 't mind . " " No , that would not be fine " Rey said . He clearly did not see that she didn 't care what they thought . " Why am I always almost dying whenever I try to steal something ? " Thyra murmured . " What do you mean ? " Vigdis asked , lowering her spear . " I tried to steal an emerald necklace from the Berserkers , and I ended up almost drowning , but I was saved somehow . " " Hey , that 's what happened to me , but the three witches saved me and told me to guard there house so people wouldn 't get to there stupid jam . " Vigdis said . " Although I still got those Berserkers precious emerald necklace , well actually it wasn 't precious , but you know what I mean . " She pulled out a sparkling gold necklace with an emeralThe house was old and not very big . However , there were three rooms , one with the beds and the clothing , the second Thyra never got a chance to see , mainly because they heard voices in there that Vigdis recognized as the witches . The third room , had billions of pots , each one with something sticky and gooey inside . " They 're all filled with jam , " Thyra whispered . " I know , but which one is the one that you need ? " Vigdis whispered . " How am I supposed to know ? I 'm just doing a favor for an old guy ! " Thyra whispered . Vigdis checked another pot , not knowing what to look for . " Were doomed , " Rey groaned . " Shut up " Thyra whispered to Rey . Honestly , all the jam smelled bad and had flavors like " pigfeet " or " rotten eggs . " Thyra took a deep breath , she would find it . She took a few steps forward before her nose was filled with the smell of peaches . " Hey , I think I found what were looking for " she said . Vigdis walked over with a jar . She took some of it , and mixed the rest around trying to make it look as though nobody even touched it . " Hey ! What are ya doin with me jam ? " A voice said from behind them . " I was hoping to avoid this . " Vigdis said . She turned around . Thyra did the same . The two girls both tried to act as innocent as possible . " Nothing ma ' am " Thyra said as girly and innocent as possible . " Vigdis " the lady said . The lady was old , Thyra saw many old women before , but this one was different . Thyra couldn 't put her finger on it , but there was something terribly different about her . " She 's a witch , " Vigdis said . So that was one of the witches . How will she get out of this one , easy , lie . " My mommy is waiting for me on the shore with five thousand men . They 're going to kill you if you don 't let us go . " Thyra said . " Oh , is dat true ? Well then , I guess I 'm going to have to let you go , little girl . " The witch smiled , she knew Thyrs was lying . " I have te let ya go " the old lady grabbed Thyra 's ear , and Vigdis 's arm . " I 'll bing ya out to ya mommy " she said . A loud roar came from the distance and the woman dropped the two girls . Sugarpuff . Sugarpuff swallowed the lady in one bite . Vigdis climbed onto the dragon 's claws . Thyra did the same . The massive dragon lifted them up and onto his back . He walked over to the shore , " so , nice meeting you " Thyra said . " Nice meeting you too . Oh , and thanks for freeing Sugarpuff . " Vigdis said . The dragon picked Thyra up and dropped her on the shore . He took off into the sky with Vigdis on his back . Thyra smiled , she whistled and the Paul came up . " Here you go " Thyra handed the jar to Olegushka . His face brightened . " He took the jar , and ate the jam . At first nothing happened , but then he started glowing , he burst into flames but the flames didn 't seem to hurt him . " Thank you " he whispered . Then , he was gone . " So , is that it ? " Thyra asked . " Yup , now lets get that night fury of yours . " Rey said . Thyra smiled . She put Rey in her pack and continued climbing the mountain . " You sure this is the easiest way to get to the lady ? " Thyra asked . " Yup " Rey said from inside the pack . Thyra sighed ; it took her at least an hour to climb the mountain . Once she got to the top she found she had to climb down . Thyra slipped and fell off half way down , luckily she landed in a bush and only got a few scratches from the few thorns in the bush . She then climbed the waterfall so she could get to the hole in hidden behind the waterfall . " I got it " Thyra said . The lady smiled . " Finna " she said . " What ? " Thyra asked . " My name was Finna . " The girl said . " Oh , " Thyra said " well here . " She handed the necklace to Finna . Finna inspected the necklace . " Keep it , you 've proved yourself worthy . " Finna handed Thyra the dagger and necklace . " Oh , and by the way , can you help me get my dragon back ? " Finna smiled , put two fingers in her mouth , and whistled . The night fury flew into the cave . " How 'd you do that ? " Thyra asked . " I 'm a ghost , " Finna said . Thyra stood there ; once again her life had become weird . She shrugged and climbed onto Night Shadow . " Goodbye " Rey said and swam to Finna . " What do you mean goodbye ? " Thyra asked . " I have to stay with Finna . " Rey said . " Oh , " Thyra looked down . Then the night fury took off . " Maybe we should listen to the creepy girl , " Glum said . " No , " Ondotte whispered back . They walked along the long corridors . They walked to a red door . The door had a decoration , roses entwined together and in the middle , a girl with short blonde hair sat there , staring at the roses . The girl reminded glum of Thyra , but why would they put a picture of Thyra on their door ? " Such a big , fancy design for a door " Ondotte whispered . Glum opened the door and walked in . " AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH ! ! ! ! ! " Ondotte and Glum screamed . " Shut up , where is the dagger ? " " We don 't have it ! " " What ! " Glum stared at the blob on the ground , Ondotte stood next to him , doing all of the talking while he stared . " What is that ? " He finally managed to ask . " That , " the queen said " is my other half . And I needed that dagger to save her , now , since you failed , you will die . " " Where do I go ? " Thyra whispered to herself . " They are having a hanging over in the courtyard , " a voice said . Thyra spun around , " how 's there ? " She screamed . A boy came out of the shadows . He looked about Ondotte 's age , and strangely , a lot like Ondotte . The boy smiled , revealing his perfectly white teeth . " Who are you ? " Thyra asked . " My codename is Falcon , you may call me that " he said . " Where is the courtyard ? " Thyra was still unsure whether she should trust him or not , but she needed to find Ondotte and Glum , fast . " Follow this hallway , it will lead you to a door that has blue lily 's on it . That 's where they are . " " How do you know I 'm looking for someone ? " " That , " he took out his knife and checked if it was sharp enough , " is a secret . " He handed the knife to her . " I already have a dagger , I don 't need it … " Thyra began , " trust me , you 'll need it " the boy said . Thyra reluctantly took it , still unsure of him . " What was your name , your real name , not your codename . " The boy stared at her ; the expression on his face was unreadable . " Well , don 't tell me you only have a codename , everybody has a name . " " My name , " the boy looked sad for a second " I try to forget my name , try to forget the past … " He paused , and ran away . A paper fell from his pocket . 8 , 4 , 9 , 7 , 2 . What was with those numbers ? She tucked the paper in her pocket and ran towards the courtyard . Ondotte looked around . The courtyard was rather big . The rope around her neck was scratchy , she wondered if her brother felt this way when he died . Itchy . Ondotte looked at Glum , Glum looked at her . She looked away . She stared at her feet . She was growing impatient . Just hang us already ! She thought . Her brother kept racing into her mind . He gave himself a little nickname , but she couldn 't remember what it was . It was some kind of bird … " WAIT ! " A voice echoed . Ondotte looked up . Thyra . Thyra , holding … A dagger . CHAPTER ELEVEN Falcon stared at the girl . She was mighty brave for a kid . Brave , and stupid , she knew what was coming , so why did she bother ? In a way , he was glad . Glad that she was sacrificing herself for others . He normally wouldn 't care for others . Let them die . They chose their fate . But this time he didn 't want the two to die . He stared wondering what would happen next . " I have it , " Thyra said . The queen walked to the eleven year old , who was desperately trying to look brave . " Thank you . " Falcon heard the fat woman say . " You ! " A voice from behind Falcon screamed . He spun around . Kol . " What do you want , your majesty ? " Falcon asked . " Go back to your room , you 're not wanted here . " " Oh , sorry , your majesty … " Thyra stared at the queen . Waiting for her next move . She felt hands grab her arms and forced the dagger out of her hand . It was a strange moment , being carried away , not knowing by who , staring at that horrible , horrible , woman . She didn 't even bother looking at Glum or Ondotte . They would be okay . She was led onto a boat , then a man came . He was heavily tattooed and had a long , dark red beard . One eye was blue , and the other one was yellow . There was something on his neck . 8 4 9 7 2 . He put a blindfold on her . The numbers , what was up with them ? Irontoe picked the girl up . She was light and looked like her father . " Where do I put her boss ? " He asked Kol . " Put her in the rock prison . " Kol said . Irontoe obeyed and opened the door to the cell . He laid her down . She was asleep ; she looked so innocent . " Kol , you 're evil . " He whispered to himself , making sure Kol didn 't hear . He got out , and closed the door . Irontoe ran to his dormitory to tell Falcon . He 'd know what to do ; he always knows what to do . Bang ! Bang ! Bang ! Thyra opened her eyes . She was in a cell . Well , of course they would do this to her . What did she expect them to do ? Play hide and seek with her ? No . Bang ! Bang ! Tears formed in her eyes . Bang ! Bang ! She wouldn 't see her twelfth birthday . Bang ! Bang ! " What ? ! ? " Thyra screamed . " Thyra ! " A vice she recognized as Falcon 's said , " move away from the door ! " " Okay " Thyra crawled to the other side of the cell . BOOM ! ! ! The door exploded . " Wow " Thyra gasped . Falcon stood at the doorway . He smiled . Next to him was the man with the numbers on his neck . " Come on " he said , holding out his hand . Thyra grabbed the tattooed hand and he lifted her up , off the ground . The warm air surprised her since the air in cell was damp and cold . " Follow us " Falcon said to Thyra . " Ok , " Thyra felt she could trust Falcon ; he seemed really nice , like Ondotte . He was a lot like Ondotte , a lot . " Who are you ? " She whispered mostly to herself . " The little brat just gave herself away ! " The queen danced around the room happily . " She 's right in our hands ! " She practically screamed . " Uh huh , great " Kol sat at the table . At first he was glad , but now he was having second thoughts . Did he really want to do this ? BOOM ! Yes , yes he did . He got up and looked out the window , " that little - " he was interrupted by piercing screams . The dragons , they were making the screams . He grumbled as he fed the dragons fish so they would stop . " What are we going to do ? " Ondotte asked Glum . " No idea . " They were trapped in the cellar , the castle was falling apart , smoke filled the air , and they couldn 't out . Glum started coughing . He needed fresh air . Ondotte was trying to say something but he couldn 't hear her . She looked like she was choking on the smoke . What was going on ? What happened to Thyra ? BOOM ! ! ! Another explosion . " Over here ! " He heard someone say . He glanced at Ondotte . She looked like she was about to cry , strange . The silhouette of a thin , small body appeared . Thyra . " Come on ! " She screamed . Glum obeyed , so did Ondotte . She led Ondotte and Glum out of the palace , which was easy since she blew up a wall on the other end of the room . Once they were outside Glum stopped coughing and gasped for the fresh air . Thyra looked a little different , but he didn 't know why . She looked a little menacing , her face was covered with ash , her hair was a tangled mess , and her clothes were muddy . But her expression , the way she looked out at the burning fields , she looked like a little she - devil . " Run . " She said . Glum didn 't need encouraging , he ran . " Well , well , well . " Thyra turned . Kol . " What do want Kol ? " " Why , I just want to see my little sister again . " He answered . Everybody turned towards Kol and Thyra . " What ? " Glum whispered . " Kol 's my brother . " Thyra said , her voice a little shaky . Silence . It was silent for a few moments . Everybody stared at the brother and sister . " AAAAAAAAAHHHHH ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! " A voice screamed . The witch ran towards Thyra , dagger in hand . It happened so fast even Kol was surprised . One second ago Thyra stood there staring at her brother , the next she was on the ground , hand on her stomach , bleeding . The witch started to lick some of the blood off the knife , the queen walked over . She took the knife and licked the remaining blood . Everybody watched in horror as the fat lady that used to be the queen and the old lady merged into one body . A young woman , with curly blonde hair and a smooth face , her eyes were an electrifying blue . " Who are you ? " Glum whispered . " I am Kadlin , " the lady said . Ondotte rushed over to Thyra , checking the younger girl 's wound . Glum didn 't know what to do , he had two choices : check if Thyra was okay or do something really stupid . Eh , not like he had anything to live for . He took out his knife . It had two dragons circling around each other ; they looked like they were fighting for a small light blue sun that was just out of their reach . " AAAAAAAAAHHH ! ! ! ! ! ! " He screamed . He lunged at Kadlin aiming for her head , who barely dodged it . It left a deep gash on her cheek , though . She screamed , " You should NOT have done that ! " Her hand started glowing , it got longer , and transformed into a sword . She swung her sword , and Glum dodged it . As they continued to fight the small army Kol brought with him started to come to their senses and prepared for a fight . " Wait . " Kol said , " no problem , boss , " said one of the soldiers . He put on a smile . No one was paying him any attention so he slipped back , into the trees . Kol walked toward Thyra , she was still bleeding . He knelt down . Thyra stared at him for a long time , " I hope your happy , you monster . " She managed to say . Glum and Kadlin 's fight had intensified . Glum managed to get his hands on a sword and was proving himself quite the swordfighter . Kadlin looked a little tired out . " You are so horrible ! " She screamed . " I just want to get pretty again ! My own beauty is the only thing I have left , ever since my dad died . And my sister ! She killed him , she ran away after she put a curse on me and our mother blamed me for father 's death and Finna 's disappearance . Even worse , when I was married and kids my own husband deceived me , cut me into two ugly , horrifying bodies ! So what do you expect me to do ? I had kill her . . . " " No , you didn 't ! " " I would 've looked horrible if I hadn 't done this , please understand . " Kadlin was at the edge of a cliff now , Glum took her sword and now she was defenseless . Glum looked at her , " you may look pretty on the outside , but inside you 're even uglier than you were in your other forms . " He gave her a small push , and down she went . He could here her screams as she fell , the cliff must 've had a pretty long drop , because her screaming went on forever . Then silence . " Retreat ! " Kol yelled . His army retreated . " Hold on , " Ondotte got up , " you are going to help your sister , and then you 're going to jail . " " Says the thief , the one that stole Arni the Madhawk 's precious little necklace , you know he 'd still pay a lot to see your head cut off , even after so many years . However , I will help Thyra , or try to at least . " Glum carried Thyra and they followed Kol . He led them to a rock . " I thought you would help her , not lead us to a rock . " Kol knelt down " look , " he pointed to a patch of moss that was on the rock . He scratched it off , revealing a bunch of numbers carved into the stone . " Um , so how does that help ? " " Our dad said that if we could crack the code , the rock would open and reveal a room . " " Well what 's the code ? " Glum asked . " 8 4 9 7 2 " Thyra murmured . " What ? " Ondotte asked . " 8 4 9 7 2 , that 's the code ! " Kol picked up a piece of coal and started circling the numbers . For a moment nothing happened . Then the rock started shaking , and opened up . Sure enough , there was a room with all kinds of medicine . " You 're going to be okay , Thyra . " Glum whispered . Wikia is a free - to - use site that makes money from advertising . We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers Wikia is not accessible if you 've made further modifications . Remove the custom ad blocker rule ( s ) and the page will load as expected . Categories : |
That 's right , I just got out of the hospital for the 18TH TIME ! This was my 5th surgery ( 6th if you count my surgery for my sinuses ) . All this has happened in the last 7 years . I wrote in my last post that when I was in the hospital in November for another bowel obstruction , the surgeon wanted to do surgery the next day . We convinced her to wait a couple weeks , though . This allowed us to get most of our Christmas shopping done , Christmas cards mailed , make some freezer meals , and get a plane ticket for my mom at a cheaper price . Chris also finished his last big project for school the day before my surgery . Here is our tree all decorated with presents wrapped ! First to give just a little update on the last couple of weeks … I just happened to have an appointment with my GI doctor a few days after being released from the hospital this last time . He hadn 't heard yet that I had been in the hospital , and was very concerned . He agreed that I needed to have surgery , but really didn 't want the surgeon to take out any more bowel . He didn 't know my surgeon very well , so that was what worried him . I told him that I had an appointment with her the next day , and that if she mentioned anything about removing bowel , I would switch to the surgeon that he likes . I also asked him what he thought of me having a feeding tube put in during the surgery . When I had one last year it helped me gain 10 # , and as hard as I have tried , I have not been able to gain more weight , and maintain it , since then . I have regretted getting that feeding tube removed ever since . He thought that was a wonderful idea . He also told me to stop taking the Humira for now , since it suppresses the immune system . I have an appointment in January and we will talk about restarting it then . It 's purpose was to heal the fistula , so I don 't know that I would need it anymore for that , but I might still need it for my joints . When I saw the surgeon I still felt like she was a very good choice , and she definitely has the best bedside manor out of the 3 surgeons I have dealt with here in Spokane ( including the really good surgeon my GI doctor likes ) . She said she wasn 't planning on removing any bowel , and she didn 't anticipate any active Crohn 's , so that was good . To my surprise , she brought up nutrition . She said it was hard for some people to heal from this surgery , and she knew that I was not eating very well , especially after this last hospital stay . She wanted to give me TPN ( total parental nutrition ) for the week and a half before surgery . She wanted to do this instead of tube feeding , and I was fine with that . Tube feeding made me feel sick anyway . So I got a PICC line placed that next Monday , and started doing TPN at home . I started to feel much better , and felt like I had much more energy . By the time I had surgery I had gained 6 pounds , after only 9 days of TPN . Next I 'm going to apologize for how long this post is going to be … I write it all down so I can remember . So , you might not want to start this if you only have 5 minutes … . it 's a novel , and took me a couple days to write ! Anyway , I was pretty anxious and nervous for this surgery , more so than my past ones . I think it was because I had more time to think about it . When I had my first surgery , I knew about a month in advance that I would be having my colon removed , but I had never had surgery and didn 't really know what to expect as far as pain , recovery , etc . My two big surgeries last year were emergencies and I had about an hour 's notice ( if that ) that I would be having surgery . So , not much time to dwell on it . But this time we prayed A LOT that things would go well , that I would heal well , and that there would be no complications . Both of our families fasted for me the Sunday before the surgery . I also received a priesthood blessing which helped put me more at peace . I 've kind of explained it in past posts , but for a refresher , I wanted to talk about what they did . The surgeon 's plan was to remove a lot of scar tissue that has been giving me bowel obstructions . Since we were doing surgery for that , she also wanted to take care of the fistula , and I wanted to too , so I wouldn 't have to have another surgery down the road . Best to kill two birds with one stone . But that meant that I would basically be having 2 surgeries at once , and I would be left with 2 incisions . To fix the fistula , she would have to make an incision at the anus , and remove the rest of intestine that was there , or " rectal stump , " and then sew everything up . I have talked to tons of people on Facebook who have had this done , some with good outcomes , some not so much , so that was another reason I was worried . The surgeon stressed that it is sometimes very hard getting that incision to heal well , especially in someone with Crohn 's and a suppressed immune system . Hence , the TPN for the extra protein and nutrition . One of my worst fears was waking up in unbearable pain . I remember after the surgery in Salt Lake last year , it was such a long painful night . I was not looking forward to that . After the second surgery last year ( in Twin ) they kept me intubated for several hours , so that when I woke up the pain wouldn 't be as bad . There is a family in our ward who we love , and the husband is an anesthesiologist , so I asked him if he would be mine for my surgery . I thought it would be better if someone I knew was there during the surgery , so I think that was something that helped me feel better . We also talked about having an epidural , which I have never had before for my other surgeries . He couldn 't believe this , and said that he would not have this surgery without an epidural . He told me it would be a huge difference and I would feel so much better . So that helped me to feel better too . My mom flew to Spokane and we picked her up Wednesday night . The surgery was at 7 : 30 am on Thursday and they said we would be done about 10 or so . When I woke up in recovery and asked what time it was , it was noon ! The doctor went out and talked to Chris and my mom about 11 : 30 , so the surgery took longer than was expected . There was so much scar tissue that my bladder was attached to some of my intestines . The surgeon thinks that this is where part of the fistula was coming from , which totally makes sense with the symptoms I was having . When they separated them it made a hole in my bladder , so they had to call the urologist in the repair it . This is exactly what happened during my last surgery ! This means that I would have to have a catheter for 2 weeks after surgery . Ugh ! Last time I got away with only 10 or 11 days , but this time it will be 2 weeks exactly . I am not going to lie , it has been really hard , and if I didn 't still have this in than I would be doing much better , I think . I keep getting bladder spasms , which hurt a lot . The urologist gave me a medication to help , but it doesn 't always work great … . 2 more days ! Ahhh ! One other thing the doctor said was that she couldn 't find one of my ovaries . During my surgery last year in Salt Lake , the surgeon told my mom and Chris that one of my ovaries was attached to something with scar tissue and that they didn 't know if they could save it . After the surgery they said that they were able to save it . But then Dr . Hartnett couldn 't find it . She said it might have been there still , but she wasn 't sure why she couldn 't find it . She said that everything was in the wrong place , though , and she had to do some re - arranging . So who knows where it is ! At least I know that I have one for sure , and one is all I need ! When I woke up in recovery I felt pretty good . My whole abdomen area was numb , which was amazing . I had a button that was like a PCA pump , but it was hooked up to the epidural and I could push it every 20 minutes . But then I started to have some pretty bad upper chest and shoulder pain . It was making it very painful to take a deep breath . Our friend , the anesthesiologist came to see me and said that I could have some air above my lungs that escaped up there during the surgery . He ordered an x - ray and stayed there while they did it . It didn 't show anything but he said it might just be too small to see , and that the pain usually resolved in a few hours . He had the nurse give me some pain medicine for it . It was feeling a lot better by the time I got to my room . I had to stay in recovery for 3 hours because they didn 't have a room for me . It took forever ! Near the end I started to feel some pain in my abdomen and the nurse gave me a little of what was left from before , but said that they would have some pain medicine for me when I got to my room . Boy was I in for a surprise . . . By the time I got there or a little after , I was in agony . I wasn 't numb anymore and I cried for like 3 hours . The nurse we had wouldn 't really talk to us , she wouldn 't look at me or try to help me . It seemed like she would just come in the room and use the computer and leave . She never said that she was sorry I was in so much pain , and she never had a look of sympathy on her face . I really think she thought I was over - reacting and didn 't care . Brother ( Dr . ) Burns , the anesthesiologist had told me that he would order some other pain medicine as well , but the nurse said there wasn 't anything else and that she tried to call him . Chris had his phone number and told him to call if he needed anything . So he called him and Dr . Burns couldn 't understand why I was all of a sudden having so much pain . He called the pharmacy and then called Chris back . Come to find out when the first epidural bag ran out and they hung a new one , the pharmacy forgot to mix in the local anesthetic . So all I was getting was SALINE and a little fentanyl ! ( Which was not enough to help at all ) . He also said that he DID order other pain meds , the nurse was just looking in the wrong place ( the hospital did get a new computer system about 6 weeks ago , so I 'll give her that ) . Once they figured out what was wrong , it took an hour to get the right stuff , and once they got the right stuff hung it took a good hour and a half for it to start working . He ordered lidocaine to be put straight into the epidural and that really helped speed things up . We were grateful to have him as the anesthesiologist . He told both me and my mom and Chris that my surgery was a really big surgery . And he has seen a lot of surgeries , so I think that is saying something , haha . Anyway , by the end of the night I was feeling much better and I even gave Chris and my mom permission to both go home and sleep . That is pretty significant , considering I had made them both swear they would not leave me alone during the first night ! Even though I had requested it several times before theWe started going on lots of walks . Sometimes I just had to get up to get pressure off of my bottom , so walking around felt good . Some nurses and aids made comments about me being a " marathon walker . " It was a bit awkward though , because I had so many things hanging out of me - my PICC line , JP drain , ostomy , catheter , epidural , etc . I definitely needed the help of my mom and Chris , or a walker to get around . After a few days they removed the drain and epidural , and that helped . One day ( sorry I don 't remember which day - they are all a blur , ) the doctor came and said I was anemic . My hemoglobin was 9 , and they checked several hours later and it was 7 . 2 , My heart rate had been too fast , and my blood pressure too low ( even for me ) , so they decided to give me 2 units of blood . The next day it was back up above 10 , and that is the last number that I know of . It is supposed to be 12 or 13 . Once I received the blood , my blood pressure and heart rate were much more normal , too . About 2 or 3 days after surgery I was noticing that my sore throat was getting worse , not better . It is always a little sore from the intubation tube , but it got to the point , I didn 't even want to swallow water , even with as dry as my mouth was ( extremely dry ! ) . I had my mom and Chris look at my throat with a flashlight and they said there were white spots on it . Ugh , I was so upset . The doctor said it could be something viral , but was very unlikely to be strep throat . Then she looked at it again later and said that I definitely had thrush . I probably got it because I was on antibiotics . I looked at my tongue and it looked awful ! It hurt to eat anything , and everything tasted like cardboard . I stuck to very smooth things , even after I was on a regular diet . I started taking Nystatin swish and swallow three times a day and it was helping , but it didn 't feel 100 % better until after I was home . On the second or third day one of the aids brought me a pediatric shirt and pants , because the gowns are just so big they are just in the way . They get all bunched up anytime I roll over in bed , and are really uncomfortable . I didn 't want to put on my own clothes just yet , because I was having a lot of drainage from the JP drain that kept getting on my sheets and clothes , no matter how much gauze they put there , and I was having a lot of problems with my ostomy bag leaking . This was very frustrating to me . I usually can wear a bag 5 - 7 days with no leaking . It was just something we had to deal with , but things got back to normal once we got home . Eventually I convinced the nurses to let me wear my own pajamas and that helped me feel much more comfortable . My mom left on Monday , and I was still in the hospital until the next Thursday . Eight days total . The last couple of days we were mostly dealing with pain control . On Sunday , the on - call anesthesiologist came and said that they would leave the epidural in since we knew I wasn 't going home on Monday . But then Monday , the surgeon came and said we needed to take it out and chanI just didn 't have very good nurses . There were probably 2 or 3 the whole time that I really liked . I didn 't get any of the nurses I had had during previous stays , but I was on the same floor . One nurse that I love happened to stop by one time when I needed help changing my bag and clothes and it was so refreshing to have someone help me who was actually nice and cared , and showed sympathy . One nurse told me about how she also has Crohn 's and has had the same surgery as me , done by the same surgeon . I was able to ask her lots of questions and that helped a lot . It also made me feel better to know that she really liked the surgeon too . I felt like all the nurses thought I was just a drug seeker who wasn 't in as much pain as I said I was . Or that because I 'm little , I couldn 't handle very much pain medicine at one time . Hello , I would like to see them have the surgery that I had ! The first night when we finally got the whole epidural situation sorted out and the nurse found that I DID have something else ordered for pain , she gave me 1 / 2 mg , without even asking me what I would like , when the order said I could have up to 1 mg . It did nothing for me and I had to get the other half soon . I didn 't tell her that I have gotten 2 mg of that med in the past … . I had one nurse 2 or 3 times who worked nights . I think my mom had already left . This nurse did not want to give me what I was allowed . I had some medications that were " scheduled , " and some that were " as needed . " She gave me a really big speech one time about how I needed to not use this one particular " as needed " IV medication unless I REALLY needed it , because I was going to go home soon , and I was already taking other meds , and blah , blah , blah . It didn 't matter to her that I was in tears . I really don 't want to sound like I 'm addicted to drugs . After surgery , it is expected that you will be in lots of pain , and need more meds than normal . Once the pain resolves , I am always able to wean off of them . Anyway , I waited like 3 more hours before asking for it again I was bored a lot , and I slept a lot . I tried to work on a scarf I was making a couple times , and my mom told me that I should just give up , because I was too tired . I did my usual of saying some funny things that didn 't make sense the first couple nights , which gave my mom and Chris something to laugh about . I had many visitors from work and from church , and I really appreciated that . Many of them brought cards and presents , too . Chris ' mom sent me some beautiful flowers . My brother Brock and his wife sent me a wonderful Willow Tree that is a brother and sister , which almost made me cry . My Aunt Bev and my cousins Lindsay and Danielle mailed me ( way too much ) stuff in the mail , which definitely made my day when it came . My friend Garnet from work brought me some cute pajamas and fuzzy socks , and some monster cookies ! We were also brought the sacrament from one of our home teachers and another man in the ward . I ate a piece of bread , even though my diet was still full liquids … shhh ! It ALWAYS helps me feel better when I feel the love of those around me during these times . We have had a couple meals brought to us since we have been home , and many many people in the ward keep asking Chris about me . My wonderful visiting teaching companion , who is also my very good friend , sent me a text today informing me that she took care of visiting teaching this month , and she did it last month too ! I love her so much and am thankful for her friendship and many other friendships I have in the ward . We continued the TPN the whole time in the hospital , and the surgeon said we could keep doing it for a week or so at home until I was eating better . I had a follow up appointment with her this morning and and she was fine with continuing it through the holidays while I am off work . It is helping me gain weight , and I want to do it for as long as possible , even if it is inconvenient . We are leaving to go home for about 10 days on Friday the 20th , and so it will be kind of a pain , but I learned my lesson last time and want to keep doing it until I am at my goal weight . I have an appointment Thursday ( tomorrow ) morning to have a cystogram , to make sure my bladder is healed . Then an appointment that afternoon to see the urologist and remove the catheter if everything looks good . I am praying and crossing my fingers , and dotting all my i 's and crossing my t 's that it looks good ! I am so sick of this thing and will be so happy to have it gone ! Definitely NOT looking forward to the test though . I had to have it last year when I had the same issue , and it was one of the most uncomfortable / painful tests I have ever had done ( and I have had a lot ) ! They fill up your bladder with die and take a bunch of x - rays to make sure that it is not leaking where it was repaired . If everything looks good they will remove it and I will be home free ! Well , all that probably sounds really bad , but overall , recovery has been easier than other surgeries . I didn 't love a lot of my nurses this time , but I have had far more good nurses than bad overall , and I really appreciate everything they do . Since I made it home , everything has been smooth sailing . I have felt pretty good ( much better than I expected ) the last few days . I even made it to our ward Christmas party on Saturday night . I brought a pillow to sit on and got to eat some food and watch some skits . Chris was in charge of all the electronics and microphones , etc , and I didn 't feel like sitting home by myself all night . I did not go to church the next day though , because I didn 't think I could sit THAT long , and didn 't want to deal with a catheter AND a dress . Plus , I have been sleeping way late and just resting a lot . Chris is out of school for Christmas Break and taking great care of me . I think by this time next week I will be doing really good . A quicker recovery than last surgeries so far . I have been decreasing my pain medicine that last couple of days , and have been taking tylenol and ibuprofen , or nothing at all . I really do not want to be taking any pain meds after this is all over . I haven 't ended up back in the hospital like all the others , and haven 't had any more complications . ( Knock on wood ) ! We are so excited to go home and have 10 whole days to see family and friends . All of our trips home so far have been very very short so this will be good . And I will be ready to go back to work on January 1 ! I am so thankful for my co - workers and their willingness to cover me for 3 weeks , and of course for my wonderful friends and family who have all been praying for me , and who have helped us . I was thankful that my mom could be there and I love her so much . Also my husband is right up there at # 1 - he is so sweet and has become the best nurse when it comes to flushing a PICC line and starting TPN . LOVE HIM ! Well , last week was another fun one . Ok , not really . I couldn 't sleep all night last Tuesday , and in the middle of the night my stomach started hurting . It wasn 't too bad , and I thought I might have a little obstruction , but when I got up to get ready for work , I was feeling better . When I got to work I ate a smoothie that Chris made me , and some scrambled eggs . But quickly realized that was a big mistake . I was feeling VERY nauseated . I decided to just start with my 3 patients that absolutely had to be seen that day , and go from there . After seeing some of them , I actually got so sick that I threw up at work . I quickly typed my notes and said I needed to go home . I knew by this time that I needed to go the hospital . I think I got home about 12 : 30 . Chris was home and I immediately started crying when I saw him . We quickly got ready and went to the hospital . The emergency room was packed . I was so annoyed . Looking around there were not very many people who actually looked sick . Most people were smiling and talking , getting up to get coffee , etc . And then there was me , crying constantly for 2 hours . I really wanted to just tell them all to go the urgent care down the street . There was one girl who got called to triage not long after we got there . She got up smiling and came out with an IV . The nurse came out a while later and I heard her say she was giving her something for nausea . I was so jealous . It took over 2 hours for them just to triage me . While we were waiting a guy came up to us and asked if he could " pray over me . " We said yes , and he said a prayer asking that I would get to be seen soon and would get some relief . It was a little different than we are used to , but very nice . When they finally called my name , a lady who had been there longer than us told me that she was praying for me . Once I got in to see the nurse , he asked me how I would rate my pain on a scale of 1 to 10 ( my favorite question , haha ) . I said 10 , and he said that I was the first person who said 10 that day that he actually believed . OncI was sooo happy to have the tube out . By Saturday night I was eating " regular " food again . I was sticking to things like mashed potatoes and macaroni , but it was better than broth ! I was getting my appetite back and started to crave other things . They also took away my best friend ( the pain pump ) and started giving me pain pills instead . I was able to roam free without an IV in the picture below this . : ) Sunday morning we were told we could go home . I was still having pain but just wanted to be in my own bed . Previously , once the obstruction has resolved , I have felt basically back to normal right away . That has definitely not been the case this time . Monday I basically stayed in bed most of the day . Chris tried to practice his presentation on me before he went to class and I think I only heard about 3 minutes of it because I fell asleep . I didn 't want to go back to work , but I feel so guilty whenever I am gone and people have to cover for me . Plus , I am running out of paid time off hours and sick time that I was saving for our trip home at Christmas , and didn 't want to use any more , especially now that I will be having surgery . I made it back to work on Tuesday , and today was better than yesterday , so hopefully tomorrow will be better than today . I heard today that my surgery will be December 5 for sure . I just have to make it 2 more weeks . : ) Chris and I had our 2 year anniversary on October 7 . It was conference weekend , so we decided to wait until the next weekend to celebrate . We went to dinner and movie , and Chris brought me home beautiful flowers on our anniversary . I can 't believe we have been married for 2 years ! Really , time is going by so fast . We have already been through so much together … I am so thankful for this man . He is my best friend . He takes such good care of me , and I am so thankful for the sacrifice he is making to get his Masters degree right now so he can provide for our future family . He is hilarious , and makes me laugh everyday , all day long . I am so happy that I get to be with him for eternity . : ) I am the luckiest girl EVER ! Well we have had a pretty eventful month . First of all , we got a PIANO ! I have been wanting a real piano for a long time . This Clavinova electric piano is actually what I started learning the piano on when I was 7 years old . 3 or 4 years later , we got a real piano . I took the Clavinova with me to college and when I got married , but it is a good 19 or 20 years old and just doesn 't sound good anymore , and it 's not a full sized key board . Every Sunday after playing the piano in Relief Society I would come home and tell Chris that we needed a real piano , because it was so much easier and sounded so much better . Of course we couldn 't spend money on a new one , so I started checking Craigslist and one day I found one posted for $ 50 … I didn 't think it would be in very good condition if they were selling it for that cheap but I called anyway . It was at a Presbyterian church and they just wanted it out of the room it was in . It sounds really good and I LOVE it . Chris has had to tell me to stop playing when it gets late so I don 't wake up the kids who live above us . He made a rule that I can 't play after 9 . haha . We also had our 2 year anniversary ( I know ! ) See my next post about that . : ) Just some pretty fall colors in Spokane : ) Here are our pumpkins we carved this year . I did the witch and Minnie Mouse , and Chris did the Headless " Horsie " Last year Chris and I didn 't dress up for our ward Halloween party and we were one of the only ones who didn 't , so we decided we better this year . We came up with Mary Poppins and Bert the chimney sweeper . Everyone loved it and we got lots of compliments . That night my sister Tysi stayed the night at our house with her husband and 3 youngest kids . They had been in Coeur d ' Alane for a wedding . We were glad to have them , even if for such a short time . They left the next morning when we left for church . I asked my niece Halli what her favorite color was , and she said , " Purple . " I said , " Then why do you have a pink bedroom ? " She said , " Because it has to match the curtains ! " Haha , she is funny . We also got invited to a Halloween party with some friends / other young couples in the ward . I made some treats to bring . The invitation was really cute . It was a Hershey bar wrapped in masking tape to look like a mummy . I also whipped up these cute wooden pumpkins this year . Chris couldn 't tell they were pumpkins , but he doesn 't know what he is talking about . : ) We played some fun games , including trying to get an oreo from your forehead to your mouth without touching it , and bobbing for apples . Later we played cards which was really fun too . Chris and I weren 't too great at the oreo thing , we did pretty good at bobbing for apples ( I was the first girl to actually dip my whole face in right away and get the apple ) , and I did really good at the card game , of course . : ) Today I took down most of my Halloween decorations and put up some Thanksgiving stuff , but feel I don 't have enough , haha . I feel another craft coming on . : ) We are excited for the Holidays , although we don 't get to go home for Thanksgiving this year . We will be able to go home for more than a week at Christmas though , which we are VERY excited about . I think that this will be the longest I have ever gone without seeing my mom ! I 'm not sure how I 'm going to handle it … . Other than that , things have been pretty normal . I have been battling a sinus infection all week , which is a common side effect from the newest medication that I am taking , but I am feeling lots better today . Anyway , here is a smile from me … . and Chris . : ) Well sorry it has taken me two weeks to write this post . You can probably tell from the title of this post that my appointment 2 weeks ago did not go the way I wanted it to . Actually things were going well at first . I explained to the doctor what I felt like when I was receiving the last Remicade infusion . I told him that I would really really like to try again . He said that he was a little nervous about me trying again , but that he could slow down the infusion and increase the dose of steroids , and try that . He said he wanted to talk to the nurse first though , and see what she thought . He brought her in and she was super surprised I wanted to try again . I told them both that I think that it looked worse than it was and that they over reacted to the situation a little . The doctor told the nurse that we could slow down that infusion and give fluids with it , and she said , " well I 've never done that before , but if you really think that 's ok . . . " She sounded very doubtful and kind of condescending . He asked her if she really thought it was a bad reaction and she said yes , than said that she would let us decide and she left . I was so upset . The doctor said that she has been doing this for 10 years , and he trusts her , and that we should switch to Humira , etc , etc . I was crying by this point . He was telling me how he has patients who have been on Humira for a long time , and that it will work just as well , etc . I was thinking in my head that he can 't know for sure how long it will work for me , or that it will work just as well , but I finally said ok ( because I had no other choice ) and then he left . As soon as the door shut I broke down and just bawled . Chris was with me luckily and just let me cry for a minute . That day I went home and was talking to people in my Facebook group that is solely for people on Remicade . Several people told me that they have had reactions with symptoms similar to mine , or even hives , and their doctors don 't seem to think much of it . They just slow down the infusion , and they don 't have symptoms anymore . Some also said that they had to switch to Humira too , or that they did Humira before Remicade , and that it didn 't work as well for them , or that it stopped working after 1 - 2 years . This made me even more upset ! I was so mad for like 3 or 4 days I couldn 't even make myself get on here and write about it . In the meantime , the pharmacy was calling me and setting up a shipment for it . The good news was they said that my insurance would cover it 100 % ( it 's super expensive , like thousands of dollars a shot ) . With the Remicade , I was on an assistance program called Remistart that paid part of what my insurance wouldn 't pay , and we still had a copay left after that . Anyway , my husband kept reminding me of what my mom had told me about trusting Heavenly Father , and that there was probably a reason that I needed to switch . I started praying that I could accept this change and I did start to feel more at peace with the decision . I also started to not feel well the day after the appointment . There were a couple nights where I was up all night with the pain that I hadn 't really felt in the last 2 months . I was blaming the fact that I didn 't get the full dose of Remicade , but it might have also been Heavenly Father 's way of telling me that the Remicade wasn 't going to keep working , and that I would have have to switch anyway . Besides I did get almost the full dose . The plan was to wait six weeks from the last Remicade infusion to start the Humira , but since I wasn 't feeling well I called and asked the nurse if we could start it sooner . I already had received the Humira on Saturday . She called me Tuesday and said we could start it tomorrow . So last Wednesday I went to the GI office and met with the nurse . She gave me two of the shots , and I gave myself two shots . It wasn 't hard to do because I used to give myself Cimzia and lovenox shots . Two weeks from that day I will give myself two more shots , and then it is one shot every other week , with the potential of doing it every week if I need it to work better . For two days prior to getting the first dose , I was having lots of pain where my fistula is . The day after the shots , I only had a little pain , and since then haven 't had any . The nurse wanted me to call her Friday and let her know how I was doing . When I told her I was feeling better , she was really happy and said that was " the best phone call ever . " The day I got sick and ended up in the hospital , I had an appointment with my rheumatologist . I had been waiting for this appointment for a month . Ever since she gave me steroid shots in my fingers last March and April , they were doing really well . But in August when we were on our camping trip I noticed that they were starting to hurt again , and then I noticed that the first two fingers I got the shots in were really swollen . I posted a picture of that in another post . The rest of my hands started hurting a lot so I called the get an appointment . The soonest they could see me was a month away . I thought I was going to die - even clicking my mouse at work hurt . So I asked one of the physiatrists that I work with if there was anything over the counter that I could use to help in the mean time . He 's a really nice doctor . He said there was a prescription cream I could get that would help , and said that my primary care doctor would probably call it in for me . So I called , and they actually wanted to call me in something different , but that was ok because it has been a lifesaver . Anyway , I finally had this appointment and I was hoping that she would just give me more shots . She didn 't really want to and said that it 's not something that they usually do numerous times . She wanted to give the Remicade more time to see if it would help . But then at the same time she told me that Remicade alone usually helps GI stuff , but for arthritis , you usually need another drug called Methotrexate along with the Remicade . The bad thing is you cannot take Methotrexate if you are trying to get pregnant , are pregnant , or are nursing . : ( So I left with nothing being done , just hoping that the Remicade would start to work . I have another appointment in 6 weeks from that day . I had an appointment last Wednesday with the GI surgeon , as a follow up from being in the hospital . We talked about our options and ultimately decided to do nothing right now , which I knew she would say and I am totally ok with . She said that it 's good that the two obstructions I 've had resolved on their own in just a couple days . She said that the x - ray with the contrast that I had in the hospital did not show any active Crohn 's or inflammation that would cause an obstruction , and that 's why they think it is scar tissue . She said if there was active Crohn 's , she 'd be more likely to go in and fix it , but surgery just causes more scar tissue , so we are going to try to avoid that right now . If I get another bowel obstruction , we might have to change our minds . I told her that the Remicade has been working well , and that I 'm not having pain from the fistula , so are not going to rush into surgery for that either . I wish I would have asked her what I should do if I get another obstruction - should I go to the hospital as soon as I 'm sure that that is what 's going on ? Or wait until it 's really bad and I 'm throwing up . I like to wait because sometimes they will resolve on their own . I think if it happens again I will call her and ask what I should do . And now the bad news . This has ruined my week and it 's all I 've been able to think about . Last Monday I was receiving my Remicade infusion and the nurse and my doctor thought that I was having an allergic reaction to it , so they stopped the infusion and the doctor said that we will probably have to switch to Humira . It 's a biologic drug like Remicade , but is a shot you give yourself . It can also be effective in helping fistulas heal , but not as good as Remicade . :( :( :( : ( Here is what happened : I was almost done with the infusion ( let it be noted that most reactions occur at the beginning of infusions , and this was at the end ) . Anyway , I started to feel a little sick to my stomach , but it wasn 't that bad and I did NOT feel like I needed to throw up or anything . The nurse asked me if I was ok and I told her that my stomach hurt a little . She immediately got me a container in case I needed to throw up . I started coughing and she started asking me if I was ok again . OK - remember how I said I had the flu in the last post , with a sore throat and cough right after I came home from the hospital ? ? This was my same cough and I told her that . I was getting over it and that was why I had not really coughed before hand . Then she asked me if I felt a " lump " in my chest , or a heaviness . I said no at first and she kept asking me and then I kind of felt like I did . I felt like I needed to take a deep breath , and when I did , it was kind of hard to do . Honestly if she hadn 't asked I probably would not have noticed . That is how insignificant it was . But she checked my oxygen stats and they were fine . She asked me if I wanted some oxygen on and I said no , I was fine . Then she checked my heart rate and it was 121 . Ok side note on the heart rate - clear back when I had my colon removed , my heart rate was really fast . Three years ago I was noticing my heart rate was fast a lot , and sometimes I would feel short of breath . Dr . Smith had me get an EKG and a chest x - ray that came back normal . He was concerned I had a blood clot , since I had had them before . My symptoms went away and I stopped thinking about it . The last two times I was in the hospital and every time I have any doctor appointment I am always asked if my heart rate is always that fast . I say yes . Sometimes it is faster than others , sometimes it is only in the 90 's ( normal is 60 - 100 ) . I had an appointment with my primary care doctor an HOUR before my Remicade infusion , and my heart rate was 121 . My doctor was a bit concerned and said if I ever had symptoms of dizziness or anything , than I should let her know , and threw out there that I could have sinus tachycardia . Oh great . Isn 't that something that old people get ! ? And then my heart rate was also 121 BEFORE we started the Remicade . Ok so no reason to worry that my heart is racing from the Remicade , RIGHT ? Okay back to the infusion : the doctor came in and the nurse put oxygen on me , even though my sats were fine . I will admit it did help me feel more comfortable . But again , my oxygen saturations were normal . I was not in any danger . The doctor and the nurse stared at me . I stared back . I told them I was really fine . When the doctor said we might have to switch to Humira my heart sank . The Remicade was working SO well . The thing with these biologic drugs , is eventually , a lot of the time , they stop working . What if I start Humira and it stops working after a year ? Then what ? There are only so many drugs to try . I don 't want the Remicade to be stopped when I barely started it . I truly believe that the doctor and nurse over reacted , and that my symptoms did not have to do with the Remicade . Even if they did , I don 't think it was bad enough to stop it , ( and they even cancelled my next appointment ! ) The nurse gave me a hug goodbye like she was never going to see me again . Are you kidding me ? Just like that ? Believe me , if I felt like all of a sudden I couldn 't breathe , I was going to throw up , my heart was racing ( and usually didn 't do that ) , and I started coughing - then I would understand that it would be dangerous to try again . But I have talked to people that get hives at the beginning of an infusion , and still get it again , as long as they can be controlled with Benedryl . I could keep ranting but I will stop now . I have an appointment with my GI doctor tomorrow to " talk " about it , and since I missed my last appointment because I was in the hospital . Chris is going to come with me and together we are going to explain what really happened and hope he lets me continue the Remicade . If I didn 't get to continue it , I would feel like it was being taken away from me unfairly . The one thing has made me feel this good for this long in 7 years . Imagine getting a great job that you are really good at . This is the best job you have ever had . You have been waiting for this opportunity for several years . You finally know that this is where you belong . And then it gets taken from you , just like that , no discussion . You get a offered a different job in its place , but oh by the way , we don 't know how long this new job will stay with you either . And you might not like it as well . And you might not be as good at it . That is kind of how I feel . I will say that I talked to my ever wise mother tonight , ( who I miss a lot , btw ! ) who reminded me that Heavenly Father has a plan for me , and if the doctor decides to switch me to Humira , then there is probably a reason . Maybe I would have had a bad reaction at the next infusion . Maybe it would have stopped working anyway . Whatever the reason , I will try to be ok with it if I do have to switch . I have been praying that everything will work out ok , and I trust that whatever happens will be the best for me , and it is the Lord 's plan , and He will always be there for me . On a completely other note , I just want to say that I was released from Cub Scouts this last week . I am now the piano player for Relief Society . I am very excited about this . I actually didn 't mind scouts , but it was hard for me to feel like going to den meetings , after working all day . Even on days I feel good , I don 't always have the energy I would like . And lately with being sick and in the hospital , I have missed a lot of meetings and I wasn 't feeling too dependable at the moment . The Bishop told me that they felt this new calling would be easier for me , and I agree . : ) I think it will be less stressful . This last Saturday Chris and I walked in the Take Steps Walk for the Crohn 's and Colitis Foundation of America . We only signed up for it 10 days before , because we almost forgot about it ! But we had been talking about doing it for a couple of months . I raised $ 100 , and together everyone in Spokane raised $ 14 , 000 , all going towards research for treatments , and hopefully someday , a cure . Thank you so much to everyone who donated ! I really appreciate it . Next year I hope that we live closer to home . It would be fun to do the walk in Boise and have more family there with us . We walked 2 miles . I wasn 't even tired at the end . I don 't think I could have done that one year ago ! So thankful for the progress I have made and that I have been doing well . Ugh ! I feel like this is all I keep writing about . . . but I had another stay in the hospital this last weekend . Let me first go back to the last time I was in the hospital , about 7 weeks ago . The day after I came home , I had my 3rd Remicade infusion and within the next couple of days I started to feel really good . I went to work that week on my normal schedule , Tuesday - Saturday and was totally fine . I have felt great ever since then . Yay ! But then Thursday ( the 12th ) I was at work and around 10 am started to not feel so good . A different pain than usual , but one that seemed familiar . . . I ate a pudding cup at noon and was still feeling really bad so I didn 't eat anything else the rest of the day , which was disappointing because I had brought a lunch with leftovers that I was really excited to eat . Anyway I got home about 4 : 30 and crawled in bed . Chris came home about 6 or 6 : 30 and I was still not feeling good . I knew by this time that I had a blockage but I was hoping it was just pass . I have read that massaging your stomach would help it pass so I was trying to do this , even though it was painful . Not long after Chris came home , I started to feel significantly better . I thought that it was finally passing and we could avoid going to the hospital . Chris made me a smoothie , which I ate , but not long after the pain returned . I went to bed still having lots of pain . I had an appointment with my GI doctor the next morning at 8am , and thought if I could just make it until then , then I could avoid the ER . We also didn 't want to go to the ER at 9pm because last time we had to wait over 2 hours to get seen and I was in agony . I slept off and on . The pain would come in waves , sometimes I would feel like I could do this , and then I would have a few minutes where I just wanted to go to the hospital . Finally around 2am I threw up a few times . This helped me feel somewhat better and I went back to sleep . But I woke up again a little after 3 in more pain that I had had yet . I told Chris we needed to go to the hospital , so we packeBefore they moved me to the private room on Saturday , a dietitian came and talked to me . I never really had the chance to tell her that I am a dietitian too so I felt like the whole conversation was kind of awkward . She was saying that if I couldn 't eat soon , then they might have to start " nutrition through an IV . " I was like , " you mea TPN ? " Haha she was surprised I knew what that was . Anyway , on Saturday they did a test where they put a tube into my stoma and injected contrast ( which hurt my stomach and I cried a little ) . They were continuously taking x - rays to see if the contrast made it all the way back up to the stomach . The doctor said later that they didn 't see anything physically blocking anything , like food . This means that I am probably getting these obstructions from scar tissue . On Saturday they clamped the NG tube and waited 4 hours and hooked it up to suction again for 30 minutes , and if there was less than 150 ml of output , then they would clamp it again . So they clamped it again and there was not very much output a second time , so they removed the tube Saturday night . The doctor said I could have clear liquids which I got for dinner . The next day at lunch I got full liquids , and the next day ( Monday ) I got a regular diet . They also switched me to pills for pain meds instead of a pain pump , and said if I tolerated breakfast and lunch well , then I could go home . So I got to go home on Monday about 2pm . We were so happy to go home ! ( I will spare you the picture Chris took of me sleeping with an NG tube in my nose and my mouth hanging open - I was pretty out of it some of the time ) . I felt pretty good when we got home , but Monday night I started to notice my throat was REALLY sore , and I was getting a stuffy nose and body aches . My throat had been sore ever since they removed the tube , but now it was worse . I woke up yesterday feeling REALLY crummy . I stayed in bed most of the day . In the afternoon I got up and took a shower and got right back in bed , with my hair wet and everything . Chris surprised me by coming home around 4 : 30 when he got off of work , instead of going to class . I was really glad to have him home . I had body aches all day and felt like I had the flu . Last night I didn 't sleep great , so I was up on Pinterest at like 5am , but was able to go back to sleep around 7 and sleep until 10 : 30 this morning . I have showered and made it out of bed now and am already feeling tons better than yesterday . Luckily things worked out so I could stay home from work until today . We have a student with us right now who has been doing a lot of my work anyway . : ) I was pretty put out that I had to miss Tie Dye day and Western Day at work though . This week is Rehab Week , and so they have something different going on every day at work , and give treats and things out to all the employees every day . Friday there is a BBQ and they give out awards . I was nominated for the Rookie of the Year award . : ) I will let everyone know if I get it ! ( I can 't believe it has been a whole year since I have worked there ) ! I always feel bad when I get sick and can 't work , but am blessed to have a great boss and great co - workers who understand . Just when I was feeling great , I had to go and get sick again , but I try really hard to take care of myself . I drink lots of water and chew my food really well . I will have an appointment in the next week or so with surgeon , and talk about the possibility of surgery . If I do have surgery , they will go ahead and remove the rest of my rectum at the same time . At my last appointment with my surgeon , she said if my fistula doesn 't show signs of healing by November , then we would do surPosted by The first weekend in September , I had the opportunity to attend a conference on Adult Weight Management in Portland , Oregon . Chris came with me . We didn 't have tons of time to do much else , but we still had a good time . We were surprised when we went to board the plane , and it was so little that we had to walk outside to get on . Since it was only an hour flight , we decided to fly there the morning that the conference started , to save a night in the hotel . Our plane was on time , and at the airport we got on a train that stopped across the street from our hotel , and we were set to be there on time . But somewhere along the way the train stopped and made us all get off because there was an " incident " and the train was turning around and going back to the airport . They said there would be buses coming that would take us to the stop we wanted . Well we could never find a bus that was going as far as we needed to go . As time went by , we found out that a woman had stepped in front of the train at a stop really close to where we needed to go , and was stuck underneath it , so trains were not going that far . They finally announced that trains were going to go as far as our stop , so we got on a train but quickly realized we were going the wrong way . So we got off and got on the right train and made it to our stop . I made it to the conference about 45 minutes late . But we made it , and I was really glad that I wasn 't alone and that Chris was there with me ! We found the next day that the woman died . One night after I was done we went to the Museum and Planetarium . It was a Thursday night so it closed early , at like 7 , so we only about an hour there . We just did some of the free stuff - there was a science museum kind of the like the Discover Center in Boise . They have a submarine that is just sitting out in the Willamette River . They give tours of the inside but we didn 't have time to do it . Chris was really disappointed . It 's actually the submarine that was used in the movie The Hunt for Red October , which is one of Chris ' favorite movies . Of course , they had a penny machine ! ! The next night , Friday night , one of Chris ' old roommates and good friends who lives in Portland came and picked us up and he and his wife took us out the eat and then drove us around Portland . This is the waterfront of the Willamette River . It 's not a great picture , but it was really pretty . Portland is a lot bigger then Spokane ! When we got home I added my pennies to my book and they filled it up ! ( The empty spaces are actually for quarters ) . This book came from Disneyland so I told Chris that I guess we need to make a trip to Disneyland to get another one ! Haha , I don 't think he thinks that is necessary right now ! We wished later that we would have stayed another night and had more time to spend at the museum . There is a planetarium , an IMAX theater , and a dinosaur . I 've always wanted to see a dinosaur in a museum . Someday I guess ! We had a good time . I got to go the a really good conference , which gave me all the continuing education credits that I need for the next 2 years , and I was glad Chris got to go with me . Chris and I really wanted to get some peaches this year to can . My mom used to can peaches every year , and I loved it . I also have lots of memories eating canned peaches with bread and butter at my Grandma Tuttle 's ( Olson ) house . She lived across the street from us for a while when I was younger , and sometimes she would babysit Kyler and I and she would always feed us canned peaches . YUM ! Every year in July and August I start to crave peaches and cream . I also grew up eating fresh peaches with cream and sugar - so good ! So I bought a box of peaches through a girl in my ward for a good price , but then realized I should have gotten more . So on Labor Day Chris and I went to an orchard here in Spokane and picked a couple more small boxes . We rode a tractor out the peaches and then rode it back . It took us most of the rest of the day to get it done , with lots of phone calls to my mom , but we were very happy with the results ! Last week Chris and I met his family in the Tetons and went camping with them for a few days . It was so fun to be with everyone and it was beautiful there ! We had lots of fun . We got there on Thursday afternoon about 3pm . His family got there that morning and reserved a campsite for us . We had 3 different campsites because you are only allowed to have 2 tents per campsite . Chris ' mom Carol and her husband Brett , Brett 's daughter Claudi , his brother Mikel and his two kids Calvry and Nala , his brother Ryan and his wife Amanda and their daughter Evelyn , his brother Robbie , and his sister Katie 's oldest son Jayden all went . We missed both of Chris ' sisters and Brett 's son Marco and his family . The first day we got our campsite all set up and had dutch oven lasagna provided by Carol and Brett . The next morning we made breakfast in the rain . Luckily me bought a new tent right before we left that has a rainfly that covers the entire tent , so we stayed completely dry during the night - and we both also brought our coats . After breakfast we all went to Yellowstone for the day . We didn 't go on the side of Old Faithful , which was ok because I 've seen it a couple times before . We saw several herds of buffalo , which the kids loved . We went down ( and back up ) over 300 steps to a beautiful waterfall , and we also went to some hot spots , which are kind of fascinating to me . That night when we got back to our campground it was late and we didn 't want to cook so we ate dinner at the restaurant right there . Saturday morning Brett , Claudi , Chris , and Calvry went on an all day hike up Cascade Canyon , that goes right beside the Grand Teton mountain . While they were gone the rest of us went to a cool museum / visitor 's center that had a bunch of cool stuff about the Tetons , how they were formed , the animals , the hx of the area , etc . Then we came back and went to the lake right by our campground ( I think it was Jackson Lake ) , and just hung out on the beach . We also got rained out there so Carol , Jayden and I went and played cards for awhile after it stopped raining . The rest waited out the rain and stayed at the lake for awhile longer . The hikers came back about that time and everyone made their own dinner . Chris and I had tinfoil dinners . Yum ! We hung out for awhile the rest of the evening and the next morning we got early and packed up . I rode with Chris until we got to Rexburg , then switched and rode with his brother Mikel because Chris was going back to Spokane and I was going to Burley . I stayed with my mom until Wednesday , and then flew home from Boise . It was so nice to have a whole week off of work . And it was really nice leaving and coming back in the middle of the week , so when I came back I only had to work 3 days . Carol and I the first afternoon Jayden and Evelyn This is Chris on his hike . They ended up hiking about 13 miles I think . While on their hike that saw this bear come out of the trees , and a baby cub right behind it . This picture is not zoomed in - it was only about 10 yards from then ! About 15 minutes later they also saw a huge moose ! It was Fair Week in Burley so my mom and I got to go to the Fair on Tuesday night and I got to have a maple bar . So good ! I got to see a couple friends there , and got to spend a little time with my cousin Jamie . Wednesday morning we watched the parade . Taylor and Ian rode their bikes with their neighbor who is a cop I believe . They did a good job and were so cute waving at everyone while they rode . Tysi came and brought Kade , Kalan , and Halli with her . I was really glad I got to see them . For some reason this is Halli 's new thing . She like 's to make this face . She loved the parade and kept saying , " I love parades . I love horsies . I love dogs . " etc , etc . Luke also loved the parade , except he wasn 't a fan of the candy being thrown . For some reason 90 % of the candy thrown was saltwater taffy . Luke was getting tired of and starting throwing it back in the road . Haha , it was pretty funny . Sadly we probably won 't be coming home again until Christmas . We loved being able to come home so much this summer . With Chris staring school again ( today ! ) , we will be pretty busy . I worked on Christmas last year so I 'm assuming I won 't have to this year , and will hopefully be able to have a few days off to come home . In the meantime , anyone is welcome to come visit us ( hint , hint ) . It 's only an hour flight from Boise to Spokane , and if you watch the sales , sometime you can get one way tickets from Southwest for $ 50 or $ 60 . : ) My name is Jill . I am 26 years old . This is the story of my ulcerative colitis . I was diagnosed when I was only 19 years old , and I probably had it for 2 + years prior to that . I have benefited from reading others ' blogs who have gone through something similar , so I wanted to share my story . Please feel free to leave comments , as I would love to hear your stories too ! p . s . My husband thought of the name for this blog . I like that is somewhat humorous . . . we all need to laugh when times are hard . |
February 27 , 2016 by Shelly When most people think of their child 's " firsts " , they think of them crawling for the first time , walking , or saying their first words . Seeing Crue hit milestones his brother never had the chance to hit has been amazing to watch . The firsts that have been monumental to me would be rather normal , everyday things for most mothers . When I think of Crue 's firsts , three things stand out to me … his first night without us , his first time in a pack - n - play , and his first night without his Snuza ( breathing monitor ) . These moments were incredibly hard for me . I never planned his first overnight . I think it worked out best that I didn 't ; it just happened , and I couldn 't have imagined it any other way . I was going out for a much needed girls night up north . My sister - in - law Amanda had been wanting to babysit Crue and offered to watch him while I went out and drive him to me if I had too much to drink . I love Amanda and trust her completely ; she is more then a sister in law , she is one of my best friends . It also helps that she is an ICU nurse , just saying . I knew that Amanda would not find it weird if I asked her to keep an eye on Nash Bear too . Todd and I take Nash Bear with us when we go up north , and I couldn 't stand the thought of leaving him at the cabin . I was having such a good time with my friends that I felt guilty for wanting to stay longer . I kept messaging Amanda , saying that I would be there soon . An hour more would go by , and I would send her that same message . My circle of friends is friends with Amanda as well , so it helped that with every new drink they would speak for her , telling me that Amanda doesn 't mind , stay a little later . I think they all knew that I needed a night out and were trying to calm my worries . I don 't know if it was the alcohol or being away from Crue that long , but I started to cry . My friend Jessie asked me what was wrong and I told her how guilty I felt having such a good time while Crue was with someone else . How guilty I felt for needing any time away from him . How I was afraid he might die while I was out partying it up . I knew Amanda was more than qualified , but it had reached that time of night where I knew she would be sleeping while he was sleeping . I was panicked . Jessie calmed me down and reassured me that not only would he be fine , but also that I needed to do it . I texted Amanda that I would be really late . She texted back telling me to stay , have fun and not to worry . She said that there was no way she was waking Crue up to drive him to me , so she was going to keep him overnight . I knew my friends were right , I needed to do it . I also needed Amanda to tell me that it was happening because I never could have asked . I had my friend drive me to Amanda 's at 2 : 00am . So not quite an overnight , but the closest I have known to it . When I got there , Amanda was laying beside him sleeping with her hand on his chest . I took a minute to swallow the lump in my throat , seeing Crue still breathing , resting peacefully , and being cared for . I don 't have the words . It was a moment I needed and didn 't even know I needed . As most of you know , Nash died while sleeping in a pack - n - play . My family and I no longer use them . Just the word pack - n - play makes us all a little nauseous . We even thought about getting rid of ours . Instead , we put it in the closet in Nash 's room . When Crue began to crawl , it was almost impossible to take a shower because he got into everything . I was asking other mothers what they do . Some suggested locking him in the bathroom with me . I tried , but he would pull the curtain back and try to get in . Another mother said that she just puts her little girl in a pack - n - play right outside the bathroom door . As she said those words , I cringed . It was , however , a great idea . I finally found myself taking the pack - n - play out of the closet and putting it up . I justified it by telling myself that as long as he doesn 't sleep in it , it was fine . I placed Crue in the center with a couple of his toys . He looked up at me and smiled . I laughed at the irony . Crue in the pack - n - play for the first time at 9 months old . He was almost big enough to climb out of it . I have grown to love watching him hold on to the rail and laugh as I am taking a shower . He has never known one day in a crib , so to see him enjoying it makes everything a little more normal . The last milestone is still a daily struggle . One I 'm actually having an easier time with than Todd . Crue had never , and I mean never , slept one night without his Snuza . For those of you that don 't know what that is , it 's a movement monitor that clips on to the front of his diaper . If Crue doesn 't breathe or move for more than ten seconds , it vibrates ; if still no movement , an alarm goes off . This is the only reason Todd and I get any sleep whatsoever . The only reason I can close my eyes at night and rest is knowing that if my baby quits breathing , this thing will set off an alarm . However , as soon as Crue hit about 8 months old , he started moving around a lot more at night . It would come off and give off a false alarm . After so many false alarms , it became less scary . I was actually more upset that it woke me up , and I would just shut it off . After a couple of weeks of doing that , I realized that he was sleeping a couple of hours a night without it . It truly was building my confidence . Todd , however , checks Crue every night to make sure it is not only attached to him , but also that it 's turned on . I can 't tell you how many times Todd has come to bed after me , and I have been woken up to him screaming that the Snuza is not on . When I would explain to him that it would false alarm , Todd was unfazed . I understood , and I put it on him every night like I was asked to . When he was about 9 months old , I would wake to Crue playing with it . He learned to take it off his diaper and because it was still " moving , " it wouldn 't alarm . Now that Crue is 10 months old , I am getting comfortable with the fact that he is past that scary age . That is until there is a news report about a 10 month old dying and the Snuza will be back on . I feel like Todd and I are waiting for that magical number … 1 . Like we are holding are breath and hoping he makes it . I wonder if these worries will stop when he hits that age . I know that there will be new worries , but will I ever wake up without feeling anxious and sick ? Will I ever wake up and not gasp for breath while I turn to Crue and pray he is still alive ? February 5 , 2016 by Shelly Throughout my whole life , I 've been told how difficult marriage is , how hard it is to hold it all together . Personally , I know more divorced people than married people . I don 't judge people for being divorced . My parents divorced when I was very young , and I believe I was a happier kid because of it . I can 't imagine having grown up in a household with the two of them . I only ever witnessed telephone calls between them , and let 's just say I wouldn 't want to see them in the same room , let alone together on a daily basis . When my parents remarried , I was like every other child in my situation . I found ways to deal with my emotions … usually by trial and error . I knew not to talk to my dad about my unhappiness . If I was upset with my stepmom or about something I didn 't like , I wasn 't about to go running to him . Tried that and it didn 't work . My dad was much easier to talk to as I got older . When we were young , I could talk to him about anything as long as I wasn 't complaining ; he didn 't want to hear it . I also knew he wasn 't going to take my side . If I complained about anything , it was usually met with , " What did you do to cause the problem ? " If I told on my brother for picking on me , his reply was , " No one likes a tattle tale . " My dad was very loving , but he had his limitations . I think that 's why I try very hard not to complain to this day . When I started writing , it was an avenue to get out my frustrations . In essence , I was complaining but to no one in particular . Just throwing it all out there , and if people wanted to read it they could ; if not , no harm done . When Nash died , I could talk to Todd about anything , but I quickly learned that he had a limit as well . He would never stop me from talking , but I could read his facial expressions and knew when he was done . He also had a knack for changing the subject . This irritated me to no end . He would change it to something so off the subject that I would mistake it for a lack of caring . We both have terrible days , and he likes to deal with it by being alone in silence . I have mastered the art of going to my room and crying . I can go cry for 10 minutes , and come back down and ask him what he wants for dinner like nothing happened . Almost like one would take a power nap , but I have a power cry . Sometimes I 'm thankful for that alone time , but other times I wish he knew how much I was hurting in those moments . I wish he knew I was upstairs clinging to Nash bear and crying … but this has become our new normal . If I concerned him every time I had a breakdown , I don 't see how that would help . When you lose a child , you feel very alone . The private thoughts I have when I am by myself are always the same . If I stop and give myself to much time to think , I 'm back to June 19th … I 'm back to dropping Nash off at daycare … back to that call at work , that hospital gurney holding my dead baby . The stares and cries of strangers who watched my every move as if to see if I was going to break in half . Those faces are permanently etched in my mind . I think it 's normal as a parent of a lost child to feel very alone . I feel alone with people , at work , even at home . People can say they are there for me , and I know they are , but no one can do this for me . No one can carry this pain , this hurt . . I have to do it . No one can erase these thoughts , these images that will plague my life forever . I alone have to figure out how to cope with them . I have to learn how to go on with my daily routine , with life , without burdening everyone including Todd every time I have a bad thought . It makes me feel alone and sad . It feels like I 'm in the ocean , in a storm with no life raft swimming against the waves . In our society , it 's to easy to make everything look perfect … perfect house , perfect kids , perfect marriage . You slap a couple of happy pictures up on Facebook and gush about your family when asked . It 's easy to fool people , to make people think you have your shit together . The truth is , none of us do . We all have our problems but we just don 't share them . There was a time when I thought Todd and I were on different pages . That we were grieving so differently that I wanted to be done . I still have those days ; like they say , marriage is difficult . I 'm learning that it all doesn 't have to be so pretty or fit into some box . I 'm learning That Todd I can be together and still cry in separate rooms . | Tagged loss , love , marriage | 2 Comments January 30 , 2016 by Shelly One of my favorite movies of all time is , The Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood . It 's a movie following the lives of four girlfriends . Their lives all have horrific tragedies , pain , love , and loss and the only thing that stays the same in their lives is their friendship with one another . I used to tell my friends in high school which girl each reminded me of . If you have girlfriends , and you watch this movie , you realize they all represent someone you know . What 's so unique about their friendship though , is one friendship does not work without the other . It 's the friends as a whole that make them so endearing . Not until I started planning Nash 's first birthday party did I understand that kind of friendship . The five girls I plan this party with are all amazing on their own . I would consider each of them a dear friend all by themselves , but it 's something about all of them together that 's truly something to see . I used to pride myself on being a guys ' girl . Most of my close friends were guys . I always thought women were kind of , well , ridiculous . I had my core girlfriends that I could count on one hand and that 's all I wanted . I 'm friends with one who doesn 't like the other or the only thing they had in common was their friendship to me . With these girls , it 's different . They are like a motor , take out one part and it won 't run . I called them the dream team at last years ' party because they truly are . I 100 % think these girls could run the world . We have had a private message going on Facebook for about a year and a half now . I started it to talk about the party plans we were making , things we needed to do . It was like a check in of sorts . I had no idea what it would become . This feed could be published ! It could be published as a drama and a comedy . Sometimes I 'm so amused by what we share with each other I will smile randomly in the middle of the day at the thought of something we shared earlier . With every laugh or emoji sent , there is an equal amount o800 January 21 , 2016 by Shelly Well , people showed up ! To be exact , over 800 people showed up from 48 different cities ! As people started flooding the gym for Nash 's second birthday , I found my tears hard to hold back . This year , I had more time to just sit back and take it all in . To look around and see people celebrating my babies birthday , his legacy . I 'm sorry , correction , to see 800 people celebrating my sons legacy is a feeling too immense to put into words . I 'm afraid if I even tried I would fail to convey just how amazing I felt in that moment . We ran out of prizes 45 minutes into the party . Todd had to make an emergency candy run just so we had something to give the kids at the game booths . We had to cut the cake an hour early , just to feed the people in line for pizza , because we could barley keep up with the amount of pizzas needed . There was a point in time where I could barley move in the gym . I remember being in a panic that people were going to be mad or upset . An hour in and no prizes , no pizzas . We were not prepared for this amount of people . They didn 't leave though . Not only did they not leave , but they were happy to wait . I looked around at the Kids screaming and laughing , running around with Nash painted on their faces . Playing at all the game stations , toys in one hand , cotton candy in the other , as Spider - Man was flipping off the top of the bleachers to the kids screaming below . I asked Todd before the start of the party what his favorite part of last year 's party was , he said , " All the kids smiling . " In that moment , I knew what he meant . I wasn 't exaggerating when I thought no one would come . I truly felt I may be kidding myself into thinking I could keep this going . Not only because it 's been over a year since Nash passed , but also because unfortunately , more people have lost loved ones , even babies since Nash passed . Other people need help , support . I 'm further in my journey of grief then others and for some reason it felt like people needed to choose . Choose to continue to support us or help someone they feel may need it more , like there wasn 't enough room to support all of us . Crazy right ? Sometimes I spend so much time worrying about when this is all going to stop , I forget to take in the beauty and power of the present . I got to celebrate another birthday party for my little angel . I got to celebrate it with 800 people who have been touched by the light he left behind . All I have left of Nash is his legacy . It 's all I have to hold on to . These people don 't realize what they are doing for me , for Todd . Yes , we throw this party to give back to the community that has given so much to us . We throw this party to honor the birthday of our Nash . Those are the reasons we started doing this , but with every business that signs up to help , every person who donates to the event , every family that came , I feel this overwhelming momentum that there is something more to it . This powerful surge of goodness . It pushes me to keep going , to keep doing what I 'm doing , to get up every morning and put one foot in front of the other . I started that day telling myself this is the last year we will do this . It 's too much . It 's too stressful to put myself out there , to put Nash out there and then feel disappointed , almost like he didn 't make the football team or something . Or that by people not coming , it was a sign of me not doing a good job as his mother . My fear when all of this started , the blog , his Facebook page , the random acts of kindness , is that I didn 't want it to stop because of me , because of my shortcomings or inability to keep up . It 's my party and I 'll cry if I want to January 7 , 2016 by Shelly Nash Bash 2 … . . the second annual Nash Bash …… Planning this years Nash Bash has been a totally different experience then last year . I find myself being pretty pessimistic . It 's almost like a movie you love . It was great , amazing , perfect , everything you could have hoped for . Do you risk doing a sequel and it being a flop . The second of something really is the true determiner if you should continue . Were people so touched by our story last year , so caught up in the tragedy of it all , that they felt compelled to be there . Now that it 's been a year and a half , will they still be as moved , still as connected ? I remember reaching out to the girls who help me plan the party . It was something along the lines of , " do you think we should do it again ? " Of course it was an excited , " yes ! " from all . I was surprised ! Planning an event like this especially around the holidays is not an easy feet . All have lives , jobs , obligations . Why would they want to put themselves through the stress ? Then I look at their faces and the answer floods my mind quickly as I picture my smiling baby boy . They do it for Nash . Everytime an obstacle came up , I give them every available out . Should we ask Dr . Shumaker to sponsor again ? No ! He did it last year ; we probably shouldn 't be greedy . Should we ask Johnny 's to make pizza ? They did 60 pizzas last year . That 's a lot maybe we shouldn 't ask them . Are businesses going to get sick of us asking them for things ? The Beauty of it all is my girls . They play tricks with my mind . They know me well and know how to word things to ease my anxious mind . They said you have to at least ask Dr . Shumaker , his feelings may be hurt if you don 't and if he says no we will find someone else . Well , most know him personally and knew what his answer would be . Deep down I did too , but I felt better about asking . I even asked saying , " don 't feel obligated , we just wanted to make sure you didn 't want to be a part of it . " He laughed and said , " of course I want to sThe holidays December 19 , 2015 by Shelly Parents who have lost a child have a love - hate relationship with the holidays . At least I do , and I have heard others say the same . I think it 's obvious to most people why these days would be harder than others . Happy people , celebrating their happy lives . Their children another year older . Thankful for their health and happiness . Toasting to another year of memories . Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful . Although I am very thankful for so many things , at the same time I have a hard time being truly thankful . I remember how thankful I was when Nash was born . I had to pinch myself , I was so happy . I reflected on my life often and how everything had happened to lead me to this point . This moment of true bliss . Now my version of being thankful has an " at least " attached . At least I have Crue , at least we are healthy . This Thanksgiving , I wanted nothing to do with going to my in - laws for their big Thanksgiving party . It felt like cheating . , almost like going and celebrating was not respectful to Nash and the fact that he couldn 't be there . I decided to stay home . Home is where I feel closest to him , and this way we could spend the day together . Once Todd and Crue left , all I did was cry . How could I not spend Crue 's first Thanksgiving with him ! ? Mother 's guilt is a killer ! I feel guilty if I go and guilty if I don 't . I ended up going for maybe an hour tops and bringing Crue home with me . I feel horrible for saying this , but I was mad at everyone for being happy . I want people to stay tortured with me . I know for a fact they all thought about Nash that day , everyday for that matter , but I want everyone to wear black to the holidays and tell me how much they suck ! I really don 't want that … but around the holidays my mind works that way . Christmas is a time of gift giving , Santa Claus , being surrounded by family . Nash would almost be two this Christmas . I think of how much fun he would be this year , unwrapping presents , leaving cookies out for Santa . Snuggling up on the couch watching the Christmas cartoons I grew up watching . He won 't do that though , he will never do that . I wondered when I sent our Christmas cards out , do I put Nash 's name on the card ? I decided to . These are decisions I never thought I would have to make . However small they are pain fully hard . When Christmas morning comes my family will be one short . No two - year - old bubbly boy will be coming downstairs to open presents . Then there is New Year 's , a fresh start , a time to reflect and reminisce on the year before . Many great things happened this year , most importantly Crue , but I can 't help but feel sad , angry , and envious of other people this time of year . I don 't feel like I will ever have a fresh start . I will always carry the heavy load of grief into the next year with me . It 's my cross to bear . To me , the new year means another year without my baby . Another year to get through . People will be drinking and cheering , and I will be just … drinking , although this year I may just do it with others instead of alone . Hey , that 's an improvement … baby steps . I think what makes the holidays the worst is that they are a time that revolves around family . Even family from out - of - state flies in for the holidays . It 's the one time a year where most families are complete . Kids come home from college , grandchildren from out - of - state visit . People wait all year for that moment their family is all together again . Me on the other hand … I 'll be waiting an eternity . | Tagged holidays , loss | 2 Comments December 13 , 2015 by Shelly Fenton is made up of two parts . I like to call them " Old " Fenton and " New " Fenton . New Fenton is filled with stores and busy streets , all of the commodities we find necessary in this day and age ( Walmart , Target , Home Depot , etc . ) . Downtown Fenton or Old Fenton is the Fenton my husband grew up knowing , filled with small stores and quaint houses . It 's got that nostalgic feeling of the past . Recently , it 's been morphing into the " new " place to be ; restaurants and stores are being built everyday . Sidewalks and benches have recently been added and now line the streets . It 's becoming new again . New with charm that is . Everyday you see or hear about something they are adding . In a lot of ways it 's exciting . So much thought has gone into every single thing that has been built and it truly is an amazing and exciting time for Fenton . On the flip side , there are establishments that have been with Fenton since the beginning . Places that struggle to stay current in an ever changing downtown . In the heart of downtown is Johnny 's Pizzeria . It 's a local bar and restaurant that has been a part of Fenton for over 51 years . When you take a step into this restaurant , it 's like stepping back 50 years in time . You can feel and see the history in every room . It was originally owned by Delio , an Italian immigrant who came to be just as much a part of Fenton as Fenton itself , and is now ran by his daughter Sandy after his passing . It 's a staple in the community . I never had the pleasure of meeting Delio , but once you meet Sandy , you know what kind of man he was . She is a hardworking , selfless sweetheart who pours her heart into this restaurant and the customers she grew up knowing . There has never been a time I was there that she wasn 't . She takes pride in the legacy her father leaves behind . This is not just a restaurant but a tribute to an ever changing city . It 's claim to fame is definitely pizza and a banquet room used for many parties , including my wedding shower . I didn 't know then that this would become a place of healing for me . A place that holds so many memories close to my heart . When the five girls I like to call " The Dream Team " started helping me plan last year 's Nash bash , we frequently held our meetings there . It 's a family restaurant and last year it proved to be difficult . Happy families with babies … babies I could barely look at without breaking down . After a few times there , I started handling it better . Thank God for these girls , an empathetic Sandy and good wine . Now it 's one of my favorite places to be . To see me there this year planning yet another birthday party , you would see a different woman than last year . Not the sad , shutoff person I once was . This year I walk in with Crue in my arms and the girls fight over who gets to hold him first , usually losing out to Sandy . It 's become a second home . Sometimes I feel badly about just how comfortable we have gotten there . We usually walk in obnoxiously loud , pulling tables together to accommodate our group . Pulling Sandy from her duties to discuss all of the things we are excited about with this year 's party . Yet again , Sandy is providing pizza for this year 's bash . If you thank her , she won 't have it . I remember telling her thank you once , and she replied , " My dad would have loved what you are doing in your son 's name . He would have wanted to be a part of it . " That 's Sandy . I don 't think she does much with this restaurant or in her life for that matter without thinking about what would have made her dad proud . Just last week , I was sitting around the table with the girls , smiling and bouncing Crue on my knee as he reached for a baby at the neighboring table . Eating pizza and drinking wine , laughing as we discussed our lives . New jobs , babies on the way , searching for Mr . right , planning a wedding , raising three girls , buying new homes . I couldn 't help but be thankful . The walls at Johnny have heard it all . Looking around the room , you know they have heard much more than the gossiping of our small table . We just add to the already prominent history of that building and the people it has served . I 've said it before and I 'll say it again . It feels like Nash leads me to the places I 'm supposed to be . Crue will grow up going to Johnny 's often during his life . One day I 'll tell him why this restaurant has become so important to me . Until then , I 'm enjoying every minute of my time there . I 'm sure Nash and Delio look down on all of us smiling often . What could make you smile more than wine , pizza , good friends , and two angels ? December 3 , 2015 by Shelly I could have written a hundred blog entries about these last seven months , describing every high and every low that I have experienced as a grieving mother caring for her new baby … and there have been many highs and lows . In short though , I 've been too busy living , too busy pouring what 's left of me into being Crue 's mommy . I 've had to work at it ; it hasn 't come naturally like it did with Nash . Not the loving part , that has always been there , but the being motherly part . The part that dresses , feeds , and takes care of your child . I had been going through the motions like a lifeless robot . Feeding him because he needed it , dressing him so he wouldn 't be cold , rocking him so he got the sleep he needed . With Nash , I found all of these things … fun , nostalgic even . With Crue , they are things I have to do as his mother . At least this is how I felt in the beginning … maybe even a little longer than just in the beginning . I 'm not sure when the exact moment was , or if it slowly showed itself naturally over time , but it did happen . These things became fun again . All of the amazing wonders that come with being a mommy are there again . I find myself smiling as I dress and feed him . Staring at his face as he dreams , and thinking to myself that I am blessed to have this amazing little man in my life . Yes , I said it , blessed . A word that six months ago I would never have put in a sentence that describes my life in anyway . Maybe grateful , or thankful , but never blessed . Crue has become my whole world . I can 't tell you how many tears and kisses his sweet head has soaked up , and how many giggles and smiles I have gotten in return . I 'm a mommy again , and that special connection I had with Nash , I now have with Crue . I was always thankful for the connection I had with Nash . With Crue , there isn 't a word big enough to describe the amount of gratitude I feel to be able to have this kind of connection again . I not only feel bonded to him because he is my son and I love him , but also because he is my son after a great loss . I can 't explain it ; he is with me in every private moment I have . Every smile and every tear … every thought of anger and feeling of guilt . He has been beside me through it all . I feel connected to him because of it . For example , I was looking for his social security card yesterday and thought I may have accidentally placed it with Nash 's papers in his room . I sat Crue down on Nash 's nursery room floor as I sat beside him and went through papers . I found Nash 's burial permit , his death certificate , his birth certificate , his autopsy report , the cards from his funeral … tears poured from my eyes like a faucet . I looked beside me and there was Crue , staring up at me . Every time I sniffled , he would look up from the toy he had . I finally said out loud , " Well buddy , this sucks . " He smiled at me with this huge grin and reached out for me to pick him up . As I scooped him up , he giggled and I smiled through my tears . These moments happen often . It 's strange to expierence such contrasting emotions within minutes of each other . Before Crue , these moments changed my whole day . They would send me into a tailspin of depression and tears , and the rest of my day was spent in bed . Now I go from looking at autopsy reports to smiling at my beautiful baby boy . Every horrific memory or sad moment I have is immediately followed by baby kisses and hugs and an adoring look from Crue . Its a special bond that only we share . He sees me at my weakest but is too young to see anything other than his mommy who he loves . Too young to see just how broken I am . Too young to know I 'm hurting . He just sees me . No one looks at me that way anymore except Crue . He is the closest thing to healing I have experienced , and I find myself intensely protective of him . He has become the center of my universe ; that someone I cannot live without . He is the first to know only the broken me and love me still . He makes my heart feel full and ache less . The pit in my stomach is more tolerable . Most importantly , he gives me hope . Hope that the gray world I now live in will one day know color again . Each day he seems to paint a new shade of light in my dark world . A rainbow ? A rainbow he most definitely is . If I follow him , I know he will lead me to that pot of gold . September 16 , 2015 by Shelly In my opinion , there is nothing worse than losing a child , and I think most people would agree with me . I do , however , feel that there is something to be said for losing a grandchild , niece or nephew . The main reason being that they are the only people who come close to understanding the love you have for your child . Another reason being that it 's not the correct order of things for them , either . I have had people write me that read my blog , grandparents especially , asking me how our parents are doing , and I realize that they need the support as much as we do , and the understanding of others that this a huge loss for them too . When I previously wrote about Nash 's great grandpa , papa Elmer , I had explained him as a man who had lost that twinkle in his eye after Nash passed . That can be said of everyone in our immediate families . Outsiders may not see it . We all are amazing fakers . We have mastered the art of fake smiles and casual conversations about the unimportant things in life . We can 't , however , fake these things to each other . There is not one of us that can 't see and relate to the grief of the other . There is a phrase in our family now that we call , " Having a bad Nash day " . When we feel like we have been hit by the semi truck of grief , that 's all we need to say to each other . My father in law is the easiest to read . The reason being that he usually texts me early in the morning to ask how I 'm doing . I know this really means , " I 'm having a bad day , couldn 't sleep , up all night reliving the past , missing Nash so bad it hurts and I just want to know I 'm not alone . " Instead , though , he sums it up to , " I 'm having a bad Nash day . " My sister - in - laws , Becca , Caroline , and Tricia just come right out and say , " Today sucks . " Usually through tears . Soon after Nash died , Tricia said something to me I will never forget . She said , " I talk to Nash in my car , that 's where I feel him the most . I smiled and probably looked unmoved by the statement , but as soon as I got to my car I cried . Not the kind of crying you would think though , they were happy tears . I imagine it 's how she feels when I 'm proud of her children . How nice it is to have someone love your children that much . That 's how I felt . I felt a weight off my shoulders , knowing that when I 'm not talking to him , someone else is . Someone is always loving and thinking of him . Becca has a Nash bear and I have seen him over at my in - laws ' house before . Becca told me that she talked to her dad on the phone and realized he needed him . Greg told me that for months after Nash died , he had a morning routine of getting up before Peggy and looking at all of Nash pictures and videos . He does this before Peggy gets up because it would make Peggy too sad . Peggy and Greg love all their grandchildren equally . Nash had a special spot in their hearts ; I think being the only boy . My mother - in - law had me promise when I was pregnant to keep having kids until I had a boy . She said , " I love my girls and they love me , but they have a special bond with their dad ; he can do no wrong in their eyes and vice versa . " She said she always felt that connection with Todd . That moms and their boys have that same special bond . When I saw her play with Nash , I saw that same bond with them . My family lives a couple hours away from us and they loved Nash just as much but didn 't see him as often . I 'm that way with their kids . I 'm always going to catch their next game or see them next time I 'm up . They thought they had more time with Nash and I think they wrestle with a lot of guilt for not seeing him more . How were they to know their time would run out so quickly ? In one way , I think our families have it worse than us … I know what you 're thinking , not possible . The reason I say this is because they are dealing with a double loss . The loss of their grandchild and nephew … but also , the loss of the people Todd and I once were . They have all said this to me on many occasions . My mother - in - law said , " I miss Nash so much , and then I see you and Todd so broken and my heart hurts . I try to put myself in their position … thinking of Crue 's future children and how much I know I will love them , and imagining that ever happening to him . Yes , I would miss my grandchild and I would be heartbroken from that loss , but seeing Crue so heartbroken may even be worse . I think they deal with anger even more than Todd and I . To be blunt , they are pissed off that this happened not only to their grandchild , but also to their child … hell , the whole family for that matter . This has changed the whole dynamic of our family . In some ways , positively ; we don 't take anything for granted and appreciate what we have even more … . and of course negatively ; Todd and I are sad and removed . Every holiday , get together , birthday party , there is a person missing . He will always be included and I 'm thankful for that , but he will always be a conversation , a memory , a picture . Not a little boy running around making a mess and telling us all he loves us . I will never hear his Aunt Becca shout at him while laughing as she chases him to wash his dirty face . I will never see a picture of him and his grandpa and the first deer he gets when hunting . I will never see him playing with his cousins . His Aunt Caroline will never take him out on her boat . His Uncle Michael will never get the chance to have the bond with him that I do with his boys . Sometimes I think about our future , and how it would be different if Nash was here . I know it changes everything , but I will never know how much . I know the kind of families Todd and I have , and I can imagine the life he had ahead of him . Not only does he not get that , but also we don 't get that . His parents , grandparents , cousins , aunts , uncles … we all lost that day . The extensions of love and grief run deep . It 's a domino effect that touches everything and everyone close to us . I heard a quote once that hit me like a ton of bricks . In just a few small words , it describes exactly what I 'm trying to convey here ………… . " There is one thing that changed when you left , everything . " | Tagged grandparents , loss , love | 2 Comments September 6 , 2015 by Shelly For some reason , and I 'm not sure why , the majority of my memories of Nash are his final month . They are the most vivid in my mind . Not until Crue was born did I remember things from the earlier months , mostly because he would do something similar to Nash and it would spark a memory . As Crue approaches the age Nash was when he died , my anxiety grows to levels that make it nearly impossible for me to function . One by one , I have brought the toys Nash was loving at this age downstairs for Crue to use - Nash 's car and his saucer . To see him in these things and hearing those familiar tunes they play , is a feeling I can 't explain . On one hand , it 's nice to see him looking so much like his brother , playing with the toys he loved , and on the other hand , it brings back the painful memories of coming home to these empty toys after Nash died . I had locked them away in his nursery , unable to look at them everyday without crying . Now here I am again , bringing them downstairs and seeing Crue smiling and playing in them . We even took Nash 's car to the funeral home , and now it 's back in my kitchen with Crue smiling and driving around . It 's both a good and bad feeling . I spend every waking second torn between feelings of doom , imagining Crue is going to die and the need to be with him every second for the few days I have left with him and feeling like I need to watch him constantly to try and prevent his death . I look at him sleeping and cry , feeling so overwhelmed at the thought of losing him - like some fictional monster is going to snatch his life from him while he is peacefully sleeping and I need to be awake to protect him . He sleeps through the night now , and I find myself having panick attacks when I wake up and reach for him . He loves to have the fan on him at night and wear only a diaper to bed , which makes his skin cold to touch and for the few seconds it takes him to breathe I 'm reliving a nightmare . I try and give him belly time so he is strong , but can 't stand seeing hisPost navigation |
In our homes of earth and loose brick , we waited . We took it in turns to trample through the powdery dust , to push ourselves against the wall and peer out of our city . What we saw was clearly divided between flat plain earth and clear blue sky . No room for enemies . But still we waited ; our friends and our women and our sons and our daughters waited . Children who were too young to understand could still understand waiting . We did not know how long we would have to wait . We did not know when the enemy would arrive . And so while we waited we prepared for his arrival . When I was a boy , I watched the pastor dig graves . He dug the graves himself because there was no gravedigger . The gravedigger was dead . We had a gravedigger when the enemy was coming , but still our neighbours dug and our friends dug and our children dug and I dug . We weren 't digging graves . Trenches , places to hide , although when we lay in the earth the steam coming from our breaths would surely give us away . Only the dead hide underground . A great tide of people , we swept through the city . Collecting things as we went . Prams . Telephones . Books loaded onto a horse - drawn cart . Bedding materials . An armchair . Thousands of people and items , mothers and babies and young girls . A man carrying a cello . We flowed in a single direction . Somebody told us that the train station would be safe . The long building that had once echoed with the mechanical , throbbing sound of trains became a people place . A safe place , people thought , and their thoughts made it safe . When every dusty corner was filled , when there was no room to stand or sit , when our women and our children had forgotten the comfort of their homes , only the men remained in the city . And the city became hollow . With no light , our city stopped being a city . It was a cluster of shapes , a scattering of buildings barely rising up to prick the moon in the night sky . We ceased to be citizens . We slept outside our homes , with the night sky as our only roof , too afraid to light a fire and watch the darkness scurry away . Like nomads , tribes in the desert or the hills , we lived outside our city . And when we took the night watch we became rats , darting and scuttling over the cold stones on which we had lived out our lives . Echoing voices stopped me and turned me around and cocked the gun in my hand and placed by eye at the sight . Silence made me human again . We worked without a sound . Women had filled our work with song , children with laughter and now , without them , we were mechanical hands and feet . We placed sandbags like corpses and turned our paddock fences into barricades . We trembled as we walked , with one eye kept steadily on the boundary . Waiting for the enemy . We waited at night , we waited in the afternoon , while we ate our meals , while we slept . In no action of ours was the waiting absent . When we visited our families at the train station they asked us if we had seen the enemy yet . They were waiting , too . We never took our busy hands for granted . We hammered and strengthened and bolted and nailed and hid and slept in places where no - one could find us . Until there was nothing left to do but sleep . And wait . The war came from far away . Drum beats and choruses of men awoke us from our sleep . But when we woke , we realised that they were not drum beats , but bullets , not choruses , but shouted orders . We peered out at the flat plain earth in front of us and there was no emptiness . The earth was full , its horizon interrupted , a sack full of rice about to burst at the seams . The people crawled like ants , the tanks like cockroaches . And we lay pressed into the ground , waiting for them as they made their way slowly towards us . We listened to the noise they made , and we were silent . Our women and children were silent . No sound existed in our city . We barely existed . We watched the enemy come . They came slowly . Great silver airplanes flew above them and dropped their loads on the tanks , on the people , like fiery seeds falling from a farmer 's hand . Our enemy 's enemy was surely our friend , we thought . But we could not be sure . At night , from the battlefield , wolf - whistle sirens called like children caught in a nightmare . We dreamed to this symphony of sirens and shots . We imagined them burning our churches and our children , the snap of gunfire in our alleyways , the rivers of smoke and the shadows in streets . When we woke we watched the fire consume everything , great bombs exploding , their flames unfolding like petals on a rose . We watched and we watched and still they came but they did not arrive . We were ready , our weapons in our hands , our shelters built , our barricades impenetrable , our nerves set . We waited until we thought the enemy would never come . But one day he was there . That day , the battlefield was silent , no children cried , no gunfire broke , no whispers , no words . We looked about at one another wondering if the world still existed . No words came from our mouths . Nobody dared break the glass stillness , as if a broken surface would unleash a torrent to wash us away . When noise came , every person heard it . Scrabbling , like paws on ice , like boots on loose earth . A man climbed our walls , our impenetrable barricade . His hands grasped the ledge and we knew he was real . He lifted himself up on shuddering arms and for the first time we saw the blood - streaked and dust - choked face of our enemy . He did not look at us , but looked behind us and through us at something we could not perceive . He reached up and stood tall , stood tall on top of our barricade . And a long sound rolled off his tongue in a language foreign to us . Then he advanced . The enemy crouched and we readied our guns , he jumped down and our eyes found the sights , his boots hit the loose earth and we shot him down . His corpse hit the wall and fell , bent and twisted , to the ground . A bloody patchwork , a poorly - made human . And we lowered our guns and stood , our weapons at our feet . We stood for a very long time . We waited and the enemy did not move again . We left him there and we took our women and our children and we left that place . We left the city and the battleground where grounded tanks festered like flies on a windowsill and orphans played in the empty skeletons of aircraft . We left and found another place . A new place , an impenetrable city where there was no waiting to be done . A city that was full and alive with sound and people . A living city to replace the dead one left behind . BELOW : inspiration for this piece came from watching a documentary in history class a year ago about the Battle of Stalingrad . Then it changed completely . Feast your eyes . I run in the mornings . I wake up when it 's only dark and put on my clothes and debate with myself whether to leave my torch at home . In the end I always keep it in my pocket but I never use it . Then I open the door and go out and shut it again and lock it . Now I 'm outside and if I look up there 's a sheet of stars above my head . They 're like hundreds of strings of fairy - lights except you can 't see the wires . Then I carefully step back and put the key in my pocket . There is no sound . I feel as if the world is empty , except I am the only living organism and if I stay still long enough I won 't even be that . So I don 't move for a long time , my chest barely moving when I breathe , my heart beating very , very faintly so that sometimes I think it 's not beating at all and I must be immortal . But then something moves out there , a pair of headlight eyes or a cat hiding its misdeeds under a bush . Then I move . I start off slow just in case my legs aren 't working this morning . I run out of the street and then out of the next street and the street after that . I don 't even turn corners because I might get lost if I do . But I know where I 'm heading and I 'll go there in a straight line . It 's where small hills like acne on the earth stand in front of bigger and bigger hills like the nose and eyes and ears of the earth . The earth doesn 't have a mouth , but in my dreams one appears on a rainy early morning , a jagged fissure that eats the towns and the cities and crunches people with boulder teeth . If I keep running towards the nose of the earth I 'll be far away when the mouth opens up . Then I can watch . I run for a very long time . I run straight towards the acne hills and watch as they get bigger . Today my chest isn 't hurting so bad so maybe my heart has stopped and I 'm immortal now . The streets become different the longer I run , the houses no longer sitting side by side , whispering in each other 's ears , now shouting distance apart with yards big enough for whole other houses . Dogs bark at me and it startles me so much that I skip and jump like an Irish dancer until I 'm on the other side of the road . By this time , the night sky is beginning to lift slightly , like the crown of shell you lift away to peel a boiled egg . It reveals a Tuesday morning underneath a chilled Monday night . I think of the North Pole . There are no towns and cities in the North Pole . Maybe that 's where I 'll run to after I reach the acne hills . In the winter the sun doesn 't rise at all and there is constant night , like a boiled egg waiting to be peeled except that nobody peels it for weeks and weeks until the spring comes and they crack the shell and search through the white and make the luminescent yellow yolk into the first sunrise . Carlos went up north . To the North Pole . He had a small , prickly black beard like a clump of steel wool and eyes that were so light they could have been fairy - lights in the night sky without the wires . But he doesn 't have anything now . That 's because he is dead . I had a dream last night where everybody in the world stood on the same flat plain and cracks began to move through , slowly first , and then faster , faster until they were coursing everywhere like a stampede of animals . And everybody became divided with their own piece of flat land and a black , black sea around them . And then one by one each piece of land teetered a bit , cracked in half and sunk along with the people they held . I watched and around me people were toppling into the water everywhere . Nobody made a sound , as if they were too frightened to scream . Or as if they expected it all along . Until my own piece of land , which was the only piece left , teetered on its little axis . I watched sadly as it cracked down the middle and I lost my footing and plunged into the dark night of water . The sun has risen now . It will be another day before I will go to sleep wondering whether the mouth of the earth will eat me up before I wake . I am beyond the houses , but now that the sun can see me , I am afraid . I tell myself to run , run fast into the mountains . Hide away and watch the city safe from a distance . I pick up speed because today I am going to do it , I am going to keep running and running , run away from my house and my bed and the door and the key in my pocket that thump - thumps against my thigh as I run fast . I run until my lungs claw for air and my toes feel bloody against my worn socks . But the acne hills are still far away . They are too far , they are out of reach and I am afraid because for all my desire I am still a civilised man and I belong in my house and my bed . The fear puts a stopper in my throat and I can 't breathe and I can 't run any more . I turn back and wish I was blind to walk the same route , where the houses begin to sit next to one another , the dogs bark and the cars flash in the new sunlight , and by the time I put the key in the door there are angry tears on my cheeks . The stars have abandoned me . The sight of my unmade bed and my room makes me feel sick . I sit down and peel off my running shoes . My feet are raw like meat and I stifle my cries as I walk . Every day a new layer of scabs , blisters and burns . Trophies in my collection . Shameful . The airport was a place they both loved and hated at the same time . Claro spent ten minutes looking at hte Departures board with infinite concentration . He studied his own ticket carefully , though his eyes avoided the destination name . He eyed other travellers , the currency exchange list , listened carefully as flights were paged . It all intrigued him . They sat down and began their share of waiting . Angela had a coffee and was hurrying through her bag . Claro hummed quietly . He drummed his fingers on the arm rest . After a while , Angela lifted her head up and asked him to stop . " They wanted to sleep with me ! " he cried , a little too loudly . " If you wanted to , you never showed it . " he added quietly . " It 's like a dream , isn 't it ? Travelling . You leave everything behind and travel to a place you 've never been to before and do things you 'd never thought you 'd do . " Their flight was called . They boarded like sheep to a dip . Claro slept the whole time , or perhaps just lay with his eyes closed . The waking world hurt . There are storm clouds overhead . I can see them out the window . The sky is slowly getting greyer and greyer . It 'll be black soon . And then the rain will come . It comes heavy here , in great big slops like somebody 's put a bucket of rain up there and let it fall . And quickly too . At least I 'm inside . I 'm stuck here , but I 'm inside . I 've been here for fifteen days . Door closed , nobody enters and the door is only not closed when they push food in . Haven 't eaten much , though . Haven 't talked to anyone for fifteen days . Sitting against the tiled walls , it 's nice and cold and my forehead is hot , and I 'm watching the storm brew overhread . That 's what is happening . Not much else to do , really . As if I 'm waiting . But I don 't know what I 'm waiting for . It 's twelve o ' clock now . The strap on my old watch is broken , but the clockface is still intact . Lunchtime by any normal standards . Havne 't seen a normal standard in a long time . Nothing gets pushed under my door today . Must be a meeting on . Or a massacre . Can 't hear anything here . No news , nothing . Everyone could be dead and I 'd never know . I 'd come out one day due to curiosity and find myself sole survivor surrounded by rubble and bodies . Not likely . One o ' clock , and all I 've done for an hour is sit against a wall . Haven 't the strength to get up . Haven 't the means to get better to get the strength to get up . Co - dependance is shit Especially if everyone is liable to forget about you . Rain hasn 't come yet , though the clouds overhead are thicker and moving fast . Must be windy outside . I 'm still hungry . There are rats in this place . I heard them and lately I 've seen a couple . If they forget to feed me , I can go after them . They 'd probably scuttle away . I 'm too slow . Sometimes when I 'm here I think about Charles Darwin . Learnt about him in school . About how our species is evolving to be better , smarter , more successful . But really we 're devolving . Into something that stares at clouds all day and dreams of eating rats . Someone walks past the door but doesn 't stop . I 'm still here . Two o ' clock . Rain is falling . It 's just started . I knew the clouds would break soon . Something in the air , probably . Or just some sense I have . They 've forgotten to bring any food today . They 're starting to forget about me altogether . Soon the food will stop , then the people will stop walking past , stop using the rooms nearby , stop inhabiting this place completely until it crumbles to dust and me with it . All the better . It 's three o ' clock and there 's noise . Noise close . Noise involving me . The rain is pounding hard , rattling the window , so I can 't really hear . I thought the storm would 've started by now , but the clouds are still boiling up there , waiting . Like me . I 'm waiting . How much longer can you stay in a bathroom , locked in by your own weakness , before you die ? There is a rap on the door , a sharper sound than I 've heard in over two weeks . Before now , the place was full of gunshots and shouts , but now my ears have dulled and a rap on the door is enough to make me jump . A voice and then a boy . The boy has shaggy hair like everyone . Shirt painted haphazardly red like they all do in this place . Black pants . Black eyes . He 's come to seek me out . He 's come here for help . Yes , seek help from the veteran , from someone who 's thought out this revolution , fought it out until they could no more . Yes , everybody once knew my name . But what have you done now ? What new turns have you taken without my guidance ? How much have you destroyed ? The boy looks at me and his weapon gleams in his hand . I will destroy you . We are young and will destroy everything of our predecessors . You are older and you thought you could hide . You cannot . I have come to seek you out . There are no ears to listen and I have no strength to cry . All that comes out is a strangled gasp . The storm breaks over my head . I cannot see for the rain pelting down around me . The lightning flashes like his weapon and the thunder fills my ears full . The last this I see are his eyes , black . Claro is fearless . The way he dives into the open traffic , like a cowboy wading through a stampede , reckless but somehow he never gets hurt , or even scared . He beckons me across but I shake my head and laugh until he takes my hand and pulls me along . I 'd never get across the roads without him . The market place is in front of us teeming with people , both foreign and native . Stalls are small and square and there are hundreds of them , stacked high with packaged mass - produce . As if the stalls weren 't enough to choose from , there is a tiny lady with a sandwich - board filled with fake wallets , pushing things at potential customers . If she had a dollar for every time she received a shake of the head , she wouldn 't need to go around with that sandwich - board . Claro pulls me along and just like when we crossed the road we are plunged headfirst into the melee of the marketplace . I want to stop and look at things , and Claro does too , but he has no money on him other than small change so I can 't see him being able to buy anything . The marketplace residents doen 't know this , so they keep pushing things at him and I , like they do with all the tourists types . Claro leads them on , he wants to know about their stock , what material is this , where does it come from , where did you get it from ? When the shop - owner starts telling Claro about his family , a cowlicked teenager comes up behind him , his hand snatching air out of Claro 's back pockets . " Claro , " I warn , clutching my bag to my chest . He turns and looks at me , then turns around to look behind him but the pickpocketer is gone . He shrugs . He has nothing on him , anyway . The shop owner has gone to serve another customer with more money and a genuine interest in purchasing , so we move on . " Not your camera ? Don 't you want to take photos ? " He hasn 't taken any photos so far , even though everything seems to astound him . Before I know it , Claro has secured a free moped ride from a generous local . He taps me on the shoulder . " This guy can give us a ride . " This reassures Claro very much and he pulls me on behind him . I grip tight to Claro 's arms , encircling him in a bear hug as we speed off into the maelstrom of traffic . If I fall off , I 'll die , so I hug Claro like a long - lost brother as he treats the guy in front of him as some sort of huggable saviour . We disembark sweating at the park , full of green , leafy fronds and peddlers . I shove a small note into the rider 's hands and he grins and says thank you in his own language . Claro is oblivious , busy buying me some form of icecream from a street vendor instead . " I don 't know . Why don 't you ask her ? " I know how much he loves finding out the intricate details of these people 's lives . " I wish I could speak the language . " he mumbles . I can see how he feels , that the language is a barrier to an even finder understanding of a whole new way of life , a whole world . We get back late to the hotel . We 've just finished watching the sun set over the river , although our position on the bridge was a bit precarious . He spreads himself out on the sofa , completely exhausted , and I head to the kitchen . Coming back with two cups of tea , I set one down on the table in front of him and we drink slowly . " Do you want to live here ? " I ask . " Where could we go ? South America maybe ? We 've already done a lot of Europe … Russia , perhaps ? But if you speak Spanish , South America could be good . " " My Spanish is terrible . " he laughs . " Could we look at the Mediterranean ? Greece , Turkey , Morocco ? " at this last one , his teeth show . When the rain lifted , the streets shone . So many colours , so many fragments of light . Life flashed past at the speed of an elevator , a moped or a street bicycle . People talking fast in a language neither of them could understand , but Claro loved it , loved the unfamiliar tones falling on his ears . Angela wanted to go somewhere where they served good alcohol ( anywhere , if you ignored the word ' good ' ) and Claro wanted to go somewhere . He could wander the streets forever , gaze up at the tall , tall buildings , feel the rush as ten million people walked past , meet unfamiliar clouds in an unfamiliar sky . Eventually Angela would pull him into a place ablaze with fluorescent light where he would find other pleasures in meeting new people and making new friends . Angela would wake up the next morning stormy with a hangover , but he would not . The city beckoned , life , life beckoned . " Let 's go . " White flecks landed on her dark fur jacket , crept into her hair , melted on her silk scarf . She sat on the playground swing , catching snowflakes with her feet , gripping the chains with gloved fingers . She pushed off the ground and swung herself high into the air , wincing as the cold air whistled past her uncovered ears . She was flying now , her hair fluttering behind her and her scarf untangling from her shoulders to catch the wind . She felt beautiful , free . And the others looked on , their dark eyes despising . She was too old for such beauty . It was time for her to become an adult . Why would she not let her childhood go , as they had ? Inside the classroom , she tried to watch outside through the foggy window . She took the sleeve of her jumper and gently wiped a portion clean , gazing out at the bare , pencil shapes of the trees , the white flakes raining down . She watched cars slowly being covered and an empty chip packet crumple under the weight of the snow . Her teacher bade her pay attention and she snapped her head to the front . The words on the blackboard blurred before her eyes , unintelligible . She longed to turn back to the white of the snow . At lunchtime , they hid her schoolbag in an empty locker . They sniggered and scoffed as the wandered aimlessly without it . Then she walked outside , her hands rubbing together to keep warm . She didn 't let them heard the growling of her stomach . She knew they would tease her if she went on the swings again , so she sat on one side of the see - saw , watching the other children sit in groups under the shelter , gossiping and laughing and talking about her . When it was time to go home , her schoolbag was still hidden and nowhere to be found . She looked for a little while , crawling under desks , opening secret drawers and carefully rifling through cupboards . The teacher saw her and shooed her out before she could explain . She walked home without it , pulling her jacket around her , her face hidden by the fur - lined hood . She caught the white flecks in her open palm then rushed home to show her mother what she had found . When she arrived on the doorstep , the white flecks had gone away . She stepped inside and took off her shoes , unwrapping her scarf and hung her jacket on its hook . Her mother had made her a cup of sweet tea . She popped each of her special tablets in her mouth then took a steaming gulp of the sweet mixture . It filled her with a good feeling . She watched sleepily as her mother opened her letters . She didn 't ask her why her hands started to shake or why her eyes welled up with tears . Instead , she walked over and wrapped her small arms around her mother , wishing she could squeeze all the sadness out of her . Her mother 's arms stayed limply at her sides and her eyes turned away from her daughter 's small form . She hugged her mother tightly until her arms ached and then she started walking slowly to her bedroom . This was where she lived . It was a very small room ; her mother 's was much bigger . The window never opened and she couldn 't reach the curtains to pull them apart . She lay on her hard little bed and listened to the snow brushing the window . She wanted to go out and play but she knew her mother wouldn 't let her . Her eyes searched the ceiling instead , following the maze of cracks and making shapes . For a short while she fell asleep , and when she awoke it was dark . She could see nothing around her at first , but then , slowly , she was able to make out her dresser , the small table and her box of stuffed animals . There was a little light coming through the window so she thought it might be morning soon . If she listened , she could hear the rats scuttling along the floorboards or the sound of her own breathing , or the snowflakes gently falling on the roof . Silently , moving very slowly , she made her way out into the kitchen . She packed a little bag with a few pieces of chocolate , a bread roll and a little packet of her favourite breakfast cereal . Then slowly , she put her jacket on , wrapped her scarf around her neck and slipped her feet into her snow boots . Carefully , very carefully , she opened the door , making sure it wouldn 't squeak and wake her mother . Then she stepped outside . The cold engulfed her , freezing her legs through her thin trousers . She threw her hood over her head and stuffed her hands into her pockets . Then , walking a few steps out into the open , she opened her mouth and allowed a few white flakes to settle on her tongue . She was filled with a wondrous euphoria . A wide smile spread across her face and she turned circles , throwing her arms out wide . She felt completely , irrevocably free . In the dark of night , nobody saw her , nobody laughed at her and nobody stole her belongings . They didn 't look at her fearfully or treat her like a tiny baby . They didn 't push her over on the playground or shout when she did speeches in front of the class . They never saw her as she stole away from the house . Nobody noticed as she disappeared into the dark . But she liked it that way . The restaurant window is a square of yellow light . Wine glasses on the tables , napkins folded , table cloths perfectly symmetrical . In there it is warm like rice . Out here it is cold like wine . My hands are uncovered . My thumbs are frozen . If my date texts me , I won 't be able to reply . The moisture in the air is curling my fringe . It will be ruined by the time he comes . My oppressed heels are trying to escape out the bottoms of my boots . There are no seats out here , so I have to stand until he comes . This top accentuates the line of my shoulders . It curves around my hips until it meets the lip of my jeans . I should have brought a jacket . But the line of my top accentuating my shoulders was too convincing . He 's missing it . There 's a man standing in front of the yellow window now . I envy him for his leather jacket . His feet are moving about impatiently , his hands thumbing the insides of his jean pockets . Hair combed back nicely . He is looking lustfully at the red cinema . He has his back to the yellow light restaurant , otherwise he would stare lustfully into there as well . His lips are chapped like mine and he licks them as I lick mine . He doesn 't notice my staring at him . He thinks I 'm just looking into the yellow restaurant . Really I 'm looking at the way his hair is beginning to curl like mine , the way his eyes paw the ground , the way his feet can 't be still , the way he licks his lips . Then his brown eyes stop darting and look straight into mine . This is a pretty empty street . The restaurant and the cinema would probably both be out of business if they weren 't both so warm . No one can see our eyes kiss , that miniscule second in which our gaze joins in the middle . No one can tell my date and no one can tell his . Not even the people in the restaurant and the cinema are looking at us . They 're too busy with folded napkins and faces on posters . We have privacy . It 's a long moment . It surprises me . He smiles after a while . I think our moment is up , but instead he stops licking his lips and opens his mouth . He has waited for twenty minutes already . He has not touched his phone either . We both stand there , incomplete pictures not even looking for our other halves . He pasted our pictures together . Still staring into the yellow light of the restaurant , he slips his cold hand into mine . His fingernails are short and stubby like mine . His skin is soft . And our clasped hands warm themselves . I can tell he is smiling . I am too . The people in the restaurant and the cinema still aren 't looking , but if they were they would see our completed picture . Very carefully , so that he wouldn 't notice , I turned my phone off . I think he did the same . Nobody interrupted us and no one passed us by . Even the cars with their flickering headlights had stopped coming past . Without discussing it , we decided on the warm - as - rice restaurant . We sat in the corner so that nobody would look at us still . Our hands clasped under the table so that my thumbs weren 't frozen any more . His chapped - lipped smile was my favourite part of the night . His embrace was warmer than rice and his lips colder than wine . We walked past faces on posters in the cinema and watched the most expensive film . Then we went home and wondered why we did it all . Paolo stole his father 's book from the tottering bookcase in the second - floor study . It was heavy and large , quite too big to hide under one 's sweater or cleverly behind one 's back . He thought himself lucky to get down to the first floor with it , after not being noticed once . He imagined it would be speculated long after by historians . They would scratch their grey beards in wonder of what sort of sequence of events could have placed into the small hands of Paolo Montorelli that book , The Origin of the Species , which would change forever human behaviour and compel this young boy to make history . He sat on the wooden floorboards in his bedroom looking at the diagrams mostly , tracing the lines with his fingers and allowing his tongue to practice the names of all the various scientific words . His concentration undisturbed by adult antics , he was left to study for hours the masterpiece . Of course , he already knew what the bulk of it equated to , without even needing his eyes to stumble over the complex language , for they had gone over Darwin 's theories in science class the week before . Survival intrigued him . He knew now why he had been born a man , given strong bones , nimble fingers and a quick mind . He was meant to survive out there , in the forests , in the wild , where food had to be hunted for and danger was a constant companion . Where he was , in that ancient and enormous house , where everything was provided , even love , which he did not want , he felt suffocated . He would have to leave . In the space of that small , cold and sparsely decorated bedroom , Paolo dreamt up a plan . There were seven other boys in Paolo 's group of friends . There was Jon , who was smarter than some of the others , and older too . Tim was the same age , but not nearly as smart . Hans was the youngest , and quite fat , though Paolo thought he might prove strong if he put his mind to it . Mark was a shy boy who had a problem of some sort , which gave him no excuse to infuriate Paolo . James was young , but as loud as someone twice his age . Little Fred was somebody 's younger brother , Paolo could not remember who , and was dragged along for only this reason . The last boy was Abe , who was good for nothing except following , the characteristic Paolo valued most in his friends . A motley crew gathered from school , parent 's friends , friends of friends and from the local neighbourhood , they ranged in age from nine years old to fourteen . Paolo was the oldest - fifteen , and his birthday in March , before midyear , making him one of the oldest in his class . He was tall too and boasted of muscle on his arms and strong legs for walking . In his mind 's eye , as he held a tree - branch as a walking stick , his feet finding footing easily amongst the flotsam surface of the forest floor and his legs pulling him through the strides uphill , he looked the picture of man as Darwin had imagined him . His friends were not necessary - he had brought them along only to teach them . He led the way now , and they trusted him , but he would teach them to trust no one . Paolo had often walked into the Forests of Leigh , not too far away from the town , but far enough for the noise to fall away and for the stars to emerge each night without the competition of electric lights . He walked further that day than he had ever been before , and the boys followed him . They had brought with them a few loaves of bread , some cold meat and some stone fruit . More important to them , however , was the array of hunting knives , arrows and trap - making utensils that Paolo carried in his own rucksack . For did they think they could exist on fruit alone ? Men needed meat to survive . Without it , they would be skinny , scrawny beings , useless as rabbits , with not a bit of muscle between them . They stayed for two weeks before problems arose . Despite Paolo 's attempts to foster some sense of belonging in the group , introducing a group whistle , a secret knocking code and giving every boy a group - name , unhappiness yet reigned . Their food had lasted only due to Paolo 's furious rationing . Jon - lo was perpetually hungry , Tim - lo 's rash was coming back , Mark - lo 's wounded knee ( from a tumble in some scrub ) had become puffy and sore and Little Fred - lo had been complaining of stomach aches for three days . What was more , their food source was diminishing quite quickly , at a rate that alarmed most of the boys . Paolo stayed placid . " What must we do ? " said Hans - lo . Of course he was worried about food , Paolo thought . He probably dreamed food , it was so constantly on his mind . " There are rules ? " Little Fred - lo said , his eyes growing wider . If he had been perhaps ten or eleven , instead of nine , then Paolo would have taken it as an insult . " Of course there are rules ! " Paolo barked . " The rules of survival ! You do what you need to in order to survive and you never , never , " he repeated to Mark - lo , who continued to stare at the ground , " rely upon anyone . If we go crawling back to town now , we 'll lose and we 'll break all the rules ! " " It 's exactly like a game . " Paolo intoned . " Survival is a game and whoever is the most cunning , the smartest and the best fighter will win . Everyone else is a loser . " The boys all lowered their eyes to the ground , shuffling their feet in the dirt . Their shame gave Paolo time to think . With Darwin 's theories pulsing through his brain , the answer came soon enough . Of course , it was the right answer , for it put into practice every principle of survival that criss - crossed Darwin 's great book . The next morning they had meat for breakfast , then for lunch and for dinner . There was enough to last them for the next four days . Men need meat , and the boys were happy , satisfied . Hans , the pig , however , had disappeared . For a long time they played this gave of survival . They were growing strong on the meat that Paolo was bringing . Every day it would be the same - meat would be roasting on the fire as they awoke , ready to be consumed heartily for breakfast , and one boy would have disappeared . It was accepted by all the boys , none questioned , none complained . By now , Paolo 's copy of The Origin of the Species had grown quite tattered , so he set to work carving select words and phrases into the trees . He could not remember how to write letters very well , and his hand was so unsteady that the legibility of the words was hardly better than that of his soiled and broken copy . But none of the boys ever minded , and none noticed that Paolo had added a few clauses of his own to Darwin 's manifesto . " See here , " he told the boys , pointing to a tree trunk covered with his words , " it 's not enough to survive without anyone else 's help . Any adult could do that . But most adults won 't do it . Society is weak . A town is little more than a group of suckling babes . We should teach them , shouldn 't we ? Teach them how to survive properly ! " The boys cheered and hoorah - d Paolo 's declaratory speech . In the next few days , they sought to put it into practice . One morning , they climbed up to the top of the hill . Paolo had timed it carefully , so that the first signs of sunlight , the dull , washout grey of the dawn sky , were just beginning to appear . Below them lay a little village , the first signs of civilisation they had seen for months . Some of the boys were beginning to wonder if civilisation still remained beyond the Forests of Leigh . " Look , " Paolo said , " this town is desolate . No one moves . You would think all of them were dead in their beds . But you will wait and see . " As the sky coloured to a more greyish hue , the first signs of life appeared . First came the sound of a door opening . Then , of a dog barking . The metallic sound of a bucket being dropped , sawing in the distance and the slow , methodical sound of water being pumped . Within an hour , the town had fully awakened . " See how they crawl about like ants , " Paolo remarked , " every day is the same - fetch the water , go to church , clean the stable , shovel manure . It 's pitiful . " He spat . Then he turned his back to the town . " We 'll go there tomorrow . Go there and teach them the proper way to do things . " Before they went to sleep that night , Paolo made a serious effort to clean the grime off The Origin of the Species , the other boys sharpened sticks and cleaned the blunt hunting knife . Paolo spoke words of ferocity and leadership to them long into the night - the sort of words he could imagine warriors being made to listen to before going into battle . He slept with a smile on his lips . The town looked bigger once they had reached it , much bigger than the model - village they had seen from atop the hill . Nevertheless , it was quiet , dead . Paolo continuously ran his finger over the blunted blade of the remaining hunting knife until he could feel a wound opening up in his skin . He had prepared for a confrontation , a battle , a war . But there was no one here . Were they to ambush them ? He would kill them in their beds , like he had done to so many others . They had formed one line now and were snaking between the houses . Each followed the boy in front of them , and Paolo followed nothing but his own instinct . He felt his bare feet in the mud , could smell the embers of the blacksmith 's fire , tasted the smoke in the air , heard when footsteps as cautious as his own were making their way steadily towards them . He motioned for his group to stop , and they did , piling themselves awkwardly behind him . Slowly , Paolo advanced forward in the direction of the sound . A giant would be there , a giant of a man , probably the town blacksmith , with a white - hot poker in his hand . The footsteps belonged to a boy . He had bright red hair and large green eyes and stepped out when Paolo did the same . He held in his hand a broomstick , and on his face , a fierce look . Paolo 's expression settled into a disappointed frown . He motioned the boys over with a look . They encircled the red - haired boy . Then the boy motioned his friends over . Paolo 's boys stepped back . They were outnumbered . " Whoever is the oldest is in charge ! Isn 't that right ? " Paolo looked to his group , and they cheered in response . He would win this battle . The other boy had an immature look about him - he had to be at least two years younger than him . " Fifteen . " Answered Onslow . Paolo showed no surprise , but pressed his wounded thumb again to the blade of the hunting knife . Blood was beginning to seep into the pocket of his trousers . " I said that to trick you . Whoever is the best at surviving is in charge . What do you know about surviving ? " he sneered . " You live in a town . You don 't need to survive . Your mother makes your food for you and your father tucks you into bed at night . We 've lived in the forest for months now by ourselves . " He poked Onslow 's small chest . " You don 't look as if you 'd last one week in the forest . " The boys around Onslow eyed Paolo with looks of malice . Onslow stayed completely placid . " Are you going to teach us how to survive , then ? " he asked Paolo . " No ! " Paolo laughed , and the other boys laughed too . " Come back with us to the forest and we 'll see how long you last for . " A smile spread its way across his face . Onslow still showed no emotion . Paolo 's pocket was full of blood by the time they had returned to the camp . He had almost lost his game , almost broken the rules , but despite this , he had managed to triumph . But he told himself not to celebrate yet . There would be hard work to come , but ultimately he would prevail . Onslow never slept . Paolo never once saw him close his eyes . It was infuriating , unrelenting , impossible . And as Onslow stayed inhumanely awake , so did Paolo . At first , Paolo did not have the courage to show this intruder boy how it was they survived . But soon he was fed up . Tim - lo was annoying him , and there had not been meat for three days . He waited until after the sun had set , the moon had disappeared behind the trees and the only face watching him was that of Father Rock sneering at him . Onslow was staring into the fire . " So that is how to survive . " The intruder boy intoned . Had these words been laced with realisation , epiphany on Onslow 's part , Paolo would have been satisfied . But they dripped with mockery , sarcasm and loathing . The boy had to be dealt with . Paolo first attacked the boy when he had wandered off to the far side of the camp , near Bear Rock . Onslow had thrown him off and hastily picked up a large tree branch to defend himself with . Paolo could not get anywhere near him . The next time , he swung at the boy with a knife while he had his back turned , but the boy turned suddenly and Paolo missed , leaving him standing without explanation before Onslow 's searching eyes . The only way was to lynch Onslow . But Onslow 's group was far bigger than his - they would overthrow him , exile the rest of his group and live in their place . The only way was for Paolo 's group to move away - but that wasn 't fair ! The camp belonged to him ! Or , if worse came to worse , Paolo himself could move away . But he would be alone , with no one else around , no meat on the fire , no one to prey upon . His hands began to shake when he thought about this . Onslow was driving him from the hunter to the hunted , with nothing more than an unrelenting stare and a gift for luck . He would have to kill him , or he would be killed by him . He took the boy far away one day . Far enough away so that none of his group would hear him cry out , no one would know to intervene and no one would know who had been the victor until either one or the other made it back to camp . As he led the boy away , Paolo realised with a smile that there would be meat on the fire again the next morning - the best meat yet . The boys waiting at the camp heard nothing . They saw no sign of either boy from when they opened their eyes in the morning to when they closed them again that night . When they rose the next morning , it was to the smell of meat . Not an unexpected smell , though it sent a thrill through the boys . The battle was ended and the loser in front of them . Though it was impossible to tell from the disembodied pieces of meat which leader it belonged to , each boy had his theory . But neither Paolo nor Onslow was present in the camp . The boys waited until evening . Finally , a party was sent to search for them . Perhaps they were still fighting . Perhaps they were both lost . The party came back , incoherent and frightened . Some had the dry tracks of tears on their cheeks . There was no explanation for the report . Both boys had been found , still locked in a final fighting stance , though both were dead . One pair of glassy eyes stared into the other . The boys eyed distrustfully the meat on the fire . The same meat , human meat , that they had been eating for months . But with all boys present in camp , both leaders dead behind Father Rock , the mystery sunk like a weight in their full stomachs . |
I must have some sort of weird character magnet . Once again , something strange happened to me . I 'm not sure if I mentioned a few things that have happened over the years , but here are a few - - and these were all strangers : So the other day , I was outside pulling up flags on our property from a failed city contract to redo a street . I no sooner than grabbed about four of the MANY MANY flags when a neighbor pulled up and stopped in front of me to talk . No big deal . She and her husband stop all the time like that just to catch up on gossip . We were talking when this car pulled in front of the neighbor 's car , parked in front of our house , and the woman got out . She was a much older woman but wasn 't smiling . She headed right for me . I said , " Do I know you ? " She kept talking to us when our neighbor figured out who she was . She 's related to someone at the other end of the street and ' different , ' to say the least . The woman finally got back into her car and took off . I told the neighbor this place is weird and I can 't WAIT to move someplace normal . She laughed because she and her husband would love to move to Florida . I 've been saying I want to move since we moved in , almost 14 years ago . Anyway , this week , it 's time to rethink how much stuff I want to move when my husband decides to retire in about 9 or more years . One moving Pod . That 's what I 'm telling my kids . After that ' character ' encounter with the old lady making fun of how I talk with my hands . . . it might just be sooner . I like to think of it as in a television program . The first few moments are exciting and makes you want to watch . Right before a commercial , they leave you wanting more , so you 'll come back . That 's like the beginning and ending of every chapter . I was driving through the suburbs of Denver to get to work at our travel agency , and had even completely stopped at the stop sign just before I 'd turned left . I wasn 't speeding , but I was drinking a humungous delicious cup of coffee I 'd just purchased at a coffee shop . I didn 't think drinking coffee while driving was a reason to pull someone over , but I didn 't keep up with any new laws or ordinances . As I watched the officer in the rear view mirror , I dug the license and registration out of my wallet . The man got out of the car , adjusted his pants , and put his billy club in his hand . I swallowed hard while trying to see the cop 's face . His hat was low on his head , so I couldn 't see his eyes . He yanked his handcuffs out of his pocket and approached my car . I was in trouble . Routine traffic stops didn 't include handcuffs or a club . It made me wonder what I 'd done wrong . The officer held his pad of paper high while he wrote , juggling his night stick and handcuffs in the hand holding the paper . " Do you know what you did wrong ? " His tone was low and surly . My heart skipped a beat as my hand flew to my chest . " Doug ? What are you doing , pulling me over ? You almost made me wet myself . Very funny … not . " Doug was a CIA agent in the Denver office where I worked . He and his partner , Dave , were a very good team of agents , and some of the best in the nation . They were also gamblers and practical jokers , so I figured he was up to no good . Doug glanced up and down the street before he spoke , as if he worried someone might be watching . " I had to stop you , Kes . I needed to warn you about something . " I lifted my humungo cup of coffee to my lips and took a drink before swallowing . " What ? " I wasn 't about to lower my window any more , in case I was to be the subject of yet another practical joke . I wouldn 't put it past him to pull me out of my car , handcuff me , and make it look like he was going to use his nightstick , just to embarrass me . That was Doug 's sick sense of humor . He finished writing and pushed the paper through the crack in the window . I grabbed it just before it hit the floor . It said , ' Ian 's looking for you for a physical . We 're on a mission together . ' " Sure , Kes . Or , you can pay me now , if you want . " He winked . " Red hair and green eyes are just my thing today . " " Lucky me . " I sighed . " First time together , huh ? Would you like a flying lesson when I 'm with you … without a parachute ? " I grinned and winked , because he knew I 'd throw him out of the airplane on the mission if I had to . He might have the parachute , depending on my mood . Instead of giving it to him , I laid it on the passenger 's side of the car . " No , I think Wilson needs to see this one , and maybe I should show it to the Denver P . D . " I laughed at his fearful face at just the mention of our big Washington D . C . boss and local cops . " Don 't worry . I 'll protect you . " " What about James ? " I was asking if my handsome husband would be joining us . James had medium - brown hair , light blue eyes , and spoke with a sexy slightly British accent . He also had a Ph . D . in Psychology . " Of course . " Doug moaned . " Someday , you know … " He winked in an exaggerated manner . I had to laugh at him , because many of the agents had a thing for me . It was almost a competition , even though they all knew I was devoted to James . I shook my head . " It 'll never happen . Hey , thanks for the ticket . I 'm going to run some ' errands . ' " I used my ' quotey ' fingers so I could give him the male visual indicator . With men , I had to make things visual or they just didn 't get it . " Have fun on your trip . " He walked away from me , got back into the police car , and pulled into traffic , almost cutting someone off . After flipping on his lights and siren , he took off down the street going about twice the speed limit . I chuckled at his actions while I chugged the rest of my coffee . As I pulled out into traffic , my cell phone rang . I glanced at the caller id and groaned . Good old Ian , just doing his job . There was no way I 'd let that guy get his ice - cold hands on me today . No way . He 'd have to knock me out for it . Ian had power . He was the highest - ranking agent in our office , so he was in charge . He was also good looking , with blond hair and brown eyes . Even though he had degrees in surgical medicine and computer science , I considered myself smarter than him , since I had street sense . Thus , his power meant nothing to me because I could out - think him when necessary . The phone stopped ringing and I made a detour to the travel agency . One nice thing about being independently wealthy - - whether married into it or not - - is that I didn 't really have to work . But if I wanted to get away , I certainly could duck into the office for a few hours and no one would know the difference . James was the rich one . Because we were married , I got the same profits from all his investments , including the newspaper he owned , the travel agency we both owned , and all his stocks , bonds , and other investments I really didn 't care to know about . I was only concerned with what I had to do , including writing an article for the Extreme Travel Division of his newspaper once a quarter every time we traveled with the CIA , and rewriting agency reports for the boss , Wilson . I drove at least a half block from the travel agency and hid my car in a parking deck . Once I got out of the car , I headed down paths that weren 't traveled much to get to the building . As I was ready to peek out at traffic from between two buildings , I noticed Ian 's brand new little red sportscar driving very slowly down the street . I moved back a bit and just waited for him to pass . He was looking the other way toward the travel agency building , not realizing I was right beside his car but hidden out of his view . As soon as he passed , I peeked out of my hiding spot and watched him turn the corner . Once he was definitely out of sight , I ran across the street and entered the travel agency from the back door . He wouldn 't stop to find me here because my car wasn 't in the usual parking spot . I checked the mail bin from the box , but it was empty . " Hello , Donna , " I said . " No interruptions today , okay ? I 'm not even here . " I had to take precautions , just in case . I used the bathroom first , after that huge cup of coffee , and then I entered my office . Once inside , I closed and locked the door and drew the shades so no one could see into the small room . I knew Ian would be looking for me , hoping he wouldn 't find me in my office . However , if he called James , I was in big trouble . So , I hid . I knew it was childish , but I did what I had to do . " Have you seen Kes ? " It was Ian and he didn 't sound happy . I 'd know his mean voice anywhere . He shouldn 't have stopped here and it frustrated me that he 'd figured me out so fast . I made a mental note to find a new hiding place , like on a deserted island somewhere . I closed my eyes and prayed Donna would listen to me . She was a temporary replacement for my real assistant , Maria , who was out sick . Maria was married to another CIA agent named Jerome , after meeting just two months earlier . She 'd been really sick since Thursday , which was about four days of yuckiness . I just hoped I didn 't get what she had or Ian would really be breathing down my neck , trying to cure me . I hated the thought . " Who are you ? " Her tone wasn 't exactly pleasant . " Maybe you think you 're Mrs . Hamilton 's boss or something ? I think not . I don 't like your attitude either , buster , and you should know better than to come into my place of business and treat me like this . " I could mentally see Ian 's mouth hanging open , making me stifle a chuckle . Donna was good . She was an ex - cop , but wanted an easier job with less stress . Ian had no idea what he was up against . He probably thought she was a pushover , because Donna was a beautiful woman with blonde hair and blue eyes . She was very neat and trim and always put together , but tough as nails . At first glance , someone might think she was just a dumb blonde , but she was all but dumb . Ian was about to find that out firsthand . " If you have to know … " Donna 's voice had gone up another decibel . " Maria 's been sick for a few days , so I 'm filling in for her . My name 's Donna and I don 't take any lip from people like you , got it ? " The chair in the main room squeaked , knowing Ian had listened to Donna . Score one for the ex - cop , zero for the big - shot CIA agent . We were off to a great start . I crossed my arms and grinned . I really liked this game . I just wished I had popcorn for the entertainment . " Nope , her cell isn 't on . " She then dialed my number in my office and I let it ring . " She 's not in the office , either . You 're out of luck . " " I 'm sure she 's in there , " Ian said . " I have to talk to her . I don 't have much time . " As he spoke , I heard his voice get closer to the door and knew he was going to try to get in . I sat still . How would he even know that , anyway ? He was smarter than I gave him credit for , because no one would know that . Maybe he could peer through the walls or something . I looked at the back door in my office . I wanted to leave , but it was locked with an extra digital combination lock on it . James made sure I couldn 't get out , because if he really needed to talk to me , he wanted me to stay put . He didn 't seem to worry that I might be trapped in a fire . Oh no . His needs came way above my chance of burning to death . I put my head on the desk . There was no way I 'd get out of this situation any time soon . James had the key to the door , and even Donna had to obey him , because he and I were co - owners . So much for a day off . If you 've ever studied the three - act play , there 's a crucial element in the first scene . The main character has to decide if he 's going to choose to get into the story or not . That one choice decides the rest of the story . Confirmed bachelor , Dr . Calvin Neal , lives next to Gran , an older woman who also goes to his church . This tiny street is about to hear the pitter - patter of little feet , thanks to Cal being willed Gran 's two great - grandchildren . According to the mother 's will , Cal has to marry in less than a month . Jordyn Kelley , a single EMT , lives on Gran 's other side , two doors down from Cal . She and Cal sing in the same church choir and are friends . However , she 's dead - set against dating anyone in the medical field , thanks to her evil doctor father . When she meets the children , she takes on the role of helping Cal by babysitting and making his life a lot easier , just because she feels badly for the little orphans . Since Jordyn doesn 't want to date doctors , Gran decides to play matchmaker , so Cal can marry in less than a month . It isn 't long until Cal realizes that Jordyn is much more of a catch than all the potential brides Gran has in mind . She 's taken on the role of mother for these two children , which is endearing to his heart . With the help of Preacher Rich , Cal just has to convince Jordyn that he 's more than just a friend and she 's been chosen for the job . The screen door slammed shut as Dr . Calvin Neal carried bags of groceries into Gran 's small home . He told himself this was his good deed for the day for his neighbor . But if truth be told , he liked listening to her stories . The woman had done many things in her life , from being a nurse in the military to becoming a local veterinarian for years . She wasn 't his grandmother , but everyone called her Gran . He didn 't even know her real first name and was certain no one in the neighborhood did . If they did , they dared not use it or she would 've put them in their place . Gran was hilarious and tough as nails , really fitting into Charity Lane in the tiny town of Honeysuckle , Texas . " No one . I 'm married to my job . " He put the butter in the refrigerator . " You do realize that 'll be my standard answer even if I 've been married for 20 years . " He put the bread into the basket on the side counter . " I 've only lived in this neighborhood for four months . I 'm definitely an outsider and don 't even have that southern twang that 's hard to understand . If I found a woman , could I even understand her ? Nope . People don 't usually come with subtitles . " " I 'm sure there are some exceptions . " Gran chuckled . " If you hang around here long enough and keep on singin ' in the church choir , I know you 're gonna find a nice girl who can cook . " She winked , the wrinkles around her eyes deepening . " If you can find one that cooks , that 's half the battle . " They finished putting things away , and as he folded the paper bags , he watched Gran fall into a seat at the table . " You 're more tired than usual , " he said . " Is there anything you want to tell me ? I 'm a doctor , so I 've heard it all . " Cal stored the bags in the pantry and sat down across from her at the table . Her eyes were filled with tears and she swiped them away . He 'd never known the old woman to cry , because she was too tough for tears - or so she always said . " Remember Susan , my granddaughter ? Her husband , Doug , was a firefighter . He died while tryin ' to rescue Susan 's parents - my daughter and her husband - in that fire . It happened a year ago next week . " He 'd heard all about what had happened from Gran , the neighbors that lived behind them , and the people at church . No one seemed to be able to accept the deaths of Gran 's family . Everything in Gran 's world fell apart on that day . " Yes , " Cal said . " I remember . Susan was alone with two small kids . She moved to be with her in - laws , up in Nashville . " Gran shook her head as if trying to will away the sadness . " Susan died yesterday . She had cancer and no one knew it . She didn 't tell anyone until she was too far gone . Her in - laws knew it but didn 't tell me since I live too far away . " Gran reached out and touched his hand . " Yes , but she needed a guardian for the kids . Her in - laws are too old and frail to make sure they 're raised right . " She shook her head . " I don 't like ' em anyway . They 're not nice people . " Gran seemed to weigh her words . " Not exactly . She and I got to talkin ' one day a few weeks ago and I told her about the neighborhood . She wanted someone young enough to put in her will in case anything ever happened to her . I didn 't know she was dyin ' at the time , but figured since Doug died , she wanted to be ready just in case . " Gran studied Cal 's face . " She left those two babies to you . She also wants you to marry before Baylee goes to school in the fall , so they have two parents at home . If you don 't take ' em , they 're goin ' into foster care . Susan was adamant in the will . " All time seemed to stand still . Cal took a moment to collect himself before he said another word . " I can 't take two young kids . I have a small home next door . " He pointed toward his house , still not able to wrap his head around this . " I 'm not even home that much because I 'm an E . R . doctor . I have to work . " Gran patted his hand . " That 's why Susan wanted me to tell her about the neighborhood . The kids can come here when you 're at work and I 'll keep ' em until you get home . Once you 're married , then you can work it out between ya . " Her eyes seemed to moisten again . " Calvin , you 're the best option for those two babies . I know you can do it and God will be watchin ' out for you and your new wife . The kids will be here a week from today . Susan 's in - laws are bringin ' ' em and they want to make sure you 're gonna treat ' em right . " She leaned closer . " Find a date before that and you 'll be golden . " " A date and a new wife . " He let the thought sink in . " With two kids in a week . " He couldn 't quite grasp the concept . " You do realize I 'm a confirmed bachelor right now . " Gran nodded with a grin . " That 's why I 'm havin ' a tea party on Sunday with a bunch of eligible women from church comin ' here . I want you to date them all and take your pick . They 're all fine women who can cook . " And with that , she nodded as if this was a done deal . Cal didn 't know what to do , but he didn 't want to upset his neighbor . This was only Thursday , so he had a few days to find a date before he 'd probably be fixed up with some homely woman who needed her self - esteem raised . He was sure Gran would do that , too , to give him more than one project to deal with at a time . He couldn 't get out of there fast enough . This was a fate worse than death to him , so he prayed he 'd be saved from these potentially disastrous situations - both the tea party and becoming an instant dad . Web page : ErynGrace . com / littleblessings . html I just finished re - editing and giving new covers to my five Three Cross Faith books . One reason to do so is that I 'm working on # 6 , and needed to know what I 'd written about Dylan , since the sixth book is about him . Another reason is that I heard from one of my readers that # 5 ( Remember the Yellow Rose ) was hard to understand , since Rosie talked about her work . So I read over it , and sure enough , I can see why she had problems with it . I edited all 5 , to make sure they were all consistently edited , and to take a little bit of a softer approach to Rosie in Remember the Yellow Rose . We just went to see Guardians of the Galaxy , part 2 ( loved it , by the way ! ) . I won 't give any spoilers , but it was so well done , I didn 't really notice when the black moment happened . But now that I look back on it , it followed the three - part play setup , with the black moment right before the ending . Have you ever noticed the black moment in a movie or in a book ? Romances are pretty easy to figure out when the black moment comes . The main character ( usually the heroine ) loses everything , just to be saved by the hero . I have a hero crush for a LOT of my characters . My male heroes are usually based on my husband , who 's a beta male , a computer geek , and a lover of all things sci - fi . He 's good looking ( to me , at least . . . and aging very finely even if he 's going bald ) and has a heart of absolute gold . He never gets upset and takes things very logically . I consider him to be the perfect male model for all male heroes , even if the heroes are alphas . Why ? Because he 's compassionate and looks at life with a ' glass - half - full ' attitude . Thus , I seem to have a problem . I have this huge hero crush on a lot of my male characters . They come alive in my head and live there , entertaining me with their wit and compassion until my husband gets home . Have a great day ! I 'm off to think about James , Ian , Ben , Adam , Austin , Dylan , Andy , Eric , Sean . . . and a host of other hero characters from my books . LOL ! I just finished re - editing all my Markee books ( 14 of those ) , and about 6 or so of my Eryn books . I cleaned up any typos , and slowed the pacing a bit on some of them . It took me about six months to do that , because I re - read them all at least 3 times . I also ' retired ' all my hard cover books . I 'm going to work on the rest at some point , but those books were the oldest and needed to get up to ' speed . ' For some reason , parents ' home stuck out . Should it be parent 's home instead ? Parents is a group of people . A crowd 's home would be apostrophe s , after all . Or should it be with an s apostrophe since parents are plural ? The other night , I woke up around 3 : 30 with a dog 's four paws shoved into my back . I was facing toward the side of the bed and knew my bed real estate was diminishing . I moved my leg . . . another dog had curled up around my foot and up my calf . I was just waiting for the third dog to move on top of my head . It 'd happened before . I used to have this practice of taking a ' plotting nap ' during the middle of the day . I usually didn 't sleep , but I 'd close my eyes and get rid of all other thoughts except for the story I was working on . Since I have other things to do during the day , my plotting sessions are usually brought on by snoring dogs with a hugging agenda . Have you ever seen H / T or h / t on an article and made up words like here / there ? Well I finally looked it up . H / T means ' hat tip . ' It gives a nod to someone who gave them the idea or information for the article . If you 've never read any of my books ( or if you have ) , I have trailers for all of them at YouTube . They were fun to work on and I learned a lot by doing them . First , I had to remember the plot of all 56 of my books . That 's a feat in itself . Then I had to pick out pictures and music to tell a teaser for the story . I used Paintshop , Paint . net , Movie Maker , and YouTube 's video creator to make them . If you 're ever interested in making book trailers like this , I think you 'll enjoy it . It 's not too bad , actually ! |
Pa named him when he was just a foal . He told me he looked just the color of a rusty old hinge pin he had layin ' on his workbench in the old tool shed , the exact same color , so he just hung that name on him . I 'm kind of glad , ' cause it 's a real nifty name . I 'm Paul , and I 'm 13 , and Rusty is four years older ' n me . Sorta like a big brother , I guess . He sorta treats me that way . He 's got a mind of his own , and thinks he 's the boss of me , and looks out for me , too . Of course , a couple of times , that were a pretty good deal . One of those times was when I was seven . I thought I was pretty hot stuff . You know how kids who are seven are . They can 't see past what they want , and are about as dumb as gooseberries when it comes to thinkin ' about danger . I sure was . I 'd been ridin ' Rusty for a couple of years by then . He was mine . Pa gave him to me for my fifth birthday . ' Course , I had to take care of him , but for a farm kid , that was nuthin ' . I had my other chores to do as well , and taking care of Rusty was almost fun . I got to feed him , bathe and curry him and change his straw . Digging out his stall and all that weren 't much fun , but they weren 't that bad , neither , ' cause all the time I 'd be doing that , I 'd be talkin ' to him . He 'd stand there and listen up real good , too , and nicker at just the right times . I was pretty sure he understood human , a lot more than I understood horse . I told him a lot of things . More ' n I 'd ever tell anyone else . When you 're seven and most everythin 's new and confusin ' and you got all these doubts , you sure have a lot to talk about , and question , and some of that stuff you don 't want anyone to hear . It was summer and I 'd done my mornin ' chores and the whole day stretched out in front of me to decide what to do with . I 'd decided , hot as it was , to take a picnic lunch with me and head for the creek and go swimmin ' . ' Course I didn 't tell my ma about that last part ' cause she was dead set against me swimmin ' alone . You learned right quick you don 't tell your ma and pa what they don 't need to know about . " Paulie ! " my mother called , usin ' her provoked voice . I was still little ' nuff back then that I didn 't mind that Paulie name . Couple years later , me ' n her would have some words about that , but back then , Paulie was fine . " What 've I told you about that door ? " She was soundin ' right sore , but you never know anyone as well as you know your ma when you 're seven . She weren 't really mad . I knowed when she was . She wanted me to think she were proper put out , though . She was right tired of that door slammin ' . " Oh , sorry . Forgot again . Hey , could you make me some samiches , maybe a piece of pie and put some lemonade in a jar for me ? I was thinkin ' on riding over into the woods and gettin ' out of the heat and havin ' me a picnic , just me an ' Rusty . What ' a you think ? " Ma was big on manners . I was big on playin ' Ma . I played her just right then , too . Now , when I said ' please ' after all that , I knew she 'd be so happy she 'd never even think to say ' no ' about the picnic , and prolly forget ' bout the door , too . And I 'd done it just right , ' cause she got to makin ' those samiches and lemonade and cuttin ' that pie . I slipped a few carrots into the bag she packed it all in . ' Long about an hour later , after I 'd rested up some , Rusty and me were off towards the woods , which by some lucky coincidence happened to be in the same direction as my swimmin ' place at the creek . It was some warm , ridin ' out . I had my straw hat on and that protected my face and head . Rusty was all happy , a little frisky ' cause we hadn 't done much ridin ' for the last couple days . I 'd been chorin ' heavy lately ' cause of my mouth , which seemed to have a mind of its own . Pa never much whipped me , though sometimes I wished he would . A whippin ' , while it might bring tears to my eyes , was done in a minute , and chores could take all day , should my mouth be sassy enough . I kinda wished I had better control over it . Figured maybe I would , when I was eight . Rusty was jumpin ' ' round some , but I let him ' cause I was happy too . He was so playful when I was getting him ready , he kept reachin ' around and pullin ' his saddle blanket off just as I was heftin ' the saddle up . Now that saddle weighted somethin ' and I was seven , so I was gettin ' somewhat provoked , and he was laughin ' at me . Don 't tell me horses can 't laugh . Till you 've been laughed at by one , you have no idea . Anyways , I spoke sharply to him when his teasin ' were not nearly as charmin ' as he must a thought it was and he looked remorseful then , so I finished saddlin ' him , finally , and we were off . I thought he might like to run a mite , so when we were in the pasture I told him he could , and he lit out . Good thing I 'd learned to squeeze tight with my knees ' fore I told him he could run . I squeezed with my knees , held on to the reins tight , punched my hat down tighter on my head , leaned forward a bit so my head was next to his neck and said , " Let 's go , Rusty , " and he was off before the words were out of my mouth . The air rushin ' past felt good . I weren 't wearin ' a shirt at all , and that air , even warm as it was , felt mighty good . Dried some of the sweat off my face and body . The woods were cooler since the sun couldn 't get at us all that much . I slowed Rusty to a walk and told him we were goin ' to the creek , then just hooked the reins in a loop over the saddle horn . He knew the way as well as I did . I looked around as he walked and saw some squirrels but nuthin ' much else . I was hopin ' Pa would get me a . 22 rifle for my 8 th birthday . Knowing where those squirrels were hangin ' out might come in handy , if ' n he was to do that . When we got to the creek , I was surprised to find Ben and Bud there . They lived on the farm next to ours , but I didn 't see them all that much . Ben was 14 , a real big kid , while Bud was about my age . But it was too far to go to meet up with them real regular like . I 'd gotten used to bein ' by myself when I had free time . Myself and Rusty . So it was a real treat to find them here to play with . When Pa had first brought me here , he 'd always called this the creek . To me , it looked like a river . Prob ' ly most people would a called it a river , but to Pa , it were a creek , or at least that 's what he called it . Maybe his pa had called it that to him . In the summer sometimes it got to bein ' just a creek , I guess , but most of the time , and often even in the summer , it looked like what I 'd call a river . I was seven , though , so I just called it what Pa did . But it was wide enough that it would have taken a while to wade across , if you could have , but it was way too deep for me to do that , especially out a ways from the bank . Where we swum the creek had widened out and there was a shallower spot in by the bank , only about four feet deep where the water weren 't movin ' at all . That 's why we chose to swim there . If you got past that and out into the where the water was runnin ' , then there was a current and I 'd been told many times not to get out past my shoulders . I 'd planned to eat my lunch before swimmin ' , but with those two boys there , I wanted to get to playin ' ; lunch would have to wait . Those two boys were already in the water , splashin ' each other and bickerin ' . They almost always were arguin ' with each other . You 'd think with Ben being such a big kid , he 'd just haul off and thump Bud when he got to natterin ' at him , but Ben put up with it and just cussed him back . I 'd never seen him hit him . Of course , like I said , I didn 't spend much time with them . " Hey , Paulie . " That was Bud . Ben was just smilin ' at me . Other ' n cussin ' a lot at Bud , he never did say too much . Matter of fact , they sorta acted like equals . That makes you think Ben might a been a little simple , me sayin ' it like that , but he weren 't . He just was real quiet . Maybe if Bud didn 't get on him some , he 'd never a said anythin ' at all . I stripped my shorts and underpants off and headed for that water . It felt so good . The current was stronger than usual , prob ' ly from a big rain we 'd had a few days ago . But the cold water was what I needed after all the heat we 'd been havin ' since then . Bud and I splashed each other and wrassled some . We competed to see who could stay under water the longest . We tried back floatin ' and front floatin ' . Ben just sorta stayed mostly submerged in the water , up to his neck , and watched . After awhile , we all got out and lay in the grass on the bank , lettin ' the sun dry us , and the warm take the chill off us . Bud and I blabbered away , not talkin ' about anythin ' important , just talkin ' like little kids do . Ben didn 't say anythin ' , just lay lookin ' at us and then lookin ' at what few clouds there were in that deep blue sky , but that was just how Ben was . It was too early for me to go back home . If ' n I did , Ma would certainly find some more chores to do , and I 'd done my fill . I decided to go back in that water again . Lyin ' on the bank had warmed me up , and now I was sweatin ' again . I jumped in and let the cold take me . Weren 't but a minute and I was feeling frisky . Without Bud to splash and play with , I tried to find something to do so I wouldn 't just stand there feelin ' the cold . I thought I 'd practice my underwater swimming by seeing if I could find any rocks on the bottom . The creek bottom was mostly just some thin water weeds and mud , but there were some rocks , and though they weren 't sharp , you could still bruise your foot if you came down too hard on one . So I started divin ' down , holdin ' my breath and feelin ' round for them . With the water movin ' faster than usual , there was way too much silt and mud in that water to see anythin ' if ' n I opened my eyes . So I kept them shut and just felt around . I 'd come up for air , blow out anything I had left and take a huge gasp of new air , then go back down again and start feeling around . I was doing this , stayin ' pretty close to the bank , but I just lost track of exactly where I was , after a bit . Also , I was getting tired . I didn 't swim all that much , so that weren 't too much of a surprise . I stayed down longer than usual that last time because I found a rock but it didn 't want to come out of the mud . I worked on it while my air was gettin ' short , too long really , and then suddenly had to kick hard for the surface . I came up , but my desperate kicking to get up had taken me away from the bank , and now I was mostly right in the middle of the creek , and right then , that creek seemed more like a river . Where I was , the water was moving much faster than closer in . I hadn 't realized when I was in that calm place we usually swam what it was like out there in the middle . The water was really flowin ' there , and the current powerful . And I was tired . Not a good combination at all . I kinda panicked , which of course was the wrong thing to do . If I 'd just taken a big breath , put my head back in the water and swum hard for the bank , I might have made it okay . But my fear made me keep my head up , out of the water , and that made my strokes way too weak to make any headway goin ' cross - current for the bank . So I just sorta beat at the water , holdin ' my head up the best I could , and started to be swept down river . When I saw what was happenin ' , then I really started to panic . It was seein ' that I couldn 't do anythin ' to help myself . I was havin ' a hard time just keepin ' my head above water . I started screamin ' then , yellin ' for help , but there was no one around to hear me , and I knew it . And then I heard a whinny . I got my head as high as I could and looked at the bank . Rusty was there , throwin ' his head and neighin ' , runnin ' along the bank , keepin ' up with me as I sped down river . " Rusty ! Rusty ! Rusty ! " I shouted his name , knowin ' even while doin ' it that it was stupid . But I was runnin ' out of hope and strength and will , and yellin ' his name was at least doin ' somethin ' that felt sorta useful . Then I heard splashin ' , loud enough to take myself out of the fog that I 'd been falling into . When the water turned me in that direction , I could see Rusty . He was in the water now and swimmin ' with powerful strokes . He was about 20 yards away and comin ' closer . I fought harder against the water , kickin ' with the last of my energy . Hope had suddenly come to me , and with it renewed energy . I struggled , and Rusty kept gettin ' nearer . And then he was beside me , and I could grab his reins . I did and pulled . It didn 't move him none but it did me . Pulled me closer to him . I got the idea then and went hand over hand along those reins till I reached his head , and then slithered up onto his shoulders . It didn 't take but a few moments I don 't think , and then he was fightin ' his way up onto the bank . I don 't know for sure ' cause all I was doin ' was hangin ' on and breathin ' hard . When he got there , I slipped off him and sank down onto the grass . I was pantin ' hard . But the fear I 'd felt was gone now . Rusty was standin ' over me , lookin ' down , and it was like he was Ma . I could see disapproval in his eyes . I thought real hard then . How could he have known ? He was a horse , and even at seven I could appreciate that . How did he know I was in trouble ? He 'd known . He had to have . He 'd come into that creek and saved me . And he 'd done that on purpose . But how had he known I needed him to ? I thought on that , and remembered something Pa had told me . We talked , Pa and me . He taught me stuff . Thing is , he never made it sound like he was teachin ' me . He 'd just talk about stuff , and I caught on pretty quick it was stuff he was sayin ' that he thought maybe I should know , or would be interested in knowin ' . When he was workin ' with me cleanin ' Rusty 's stall , showin ' me how before I 'd done it myself , he 'd been talkin ' about horses . He 'd told me that horses was much diff ' rent from people . He said they didn 't really think about things the way we did . He said that a lot of smart people said horses were right stupid animals . But he didn 't agree with that , hisself . He said they were diff ' rent from us , but not stupid . He said their knowledge came through their senses rather than their thoughts . He said they sensed things rather than thought about them . He said when somebody rode one horse a lot , it got to be that that horse and that man riding him sorta talked to each other with their feelings , and the horse got real good at knowin ' what the man was thinkin ' and the man , even though he weren 't as good at it as the horse , could sometimes feel what the horse was feelin ' , too . I remembered that talk , and lookin ' up at Rusty , standin ' over me , I got to thinkin ' perhaps he 'd felt my panic in that creek . Maybe he had . Maybe he 'd felt how scared I was , and figured out I needed him . Whether that was right or not , it didn 't make too much diff ' rence . He 'd come into that creek and he 'd saved me . I knew that . I also knew I couldn 't tell anyone . If ' n I did , Ma and Pa would be sure to find out , and I 'd never be able to swim in that creek again and prob ' ly would regret thinkin ' how much I 'd rather get a whippin ' from Pa rather than just some more chorin ' to do . So that was one of those times I mentioned earlier when he kinda took charge of me . There were another , too . That one weren 't scary like the first . That second time was right recent . I 'm writin ' it down ' cause Ma 's always sayin ' that I should keep a journal of stuff about me that talks about how I am and what I 'm doin ' and thinkin ' about . She says when I 'm growed I 'll be happy to have it . She tells me that people don 't remember much about how it was when they was young , and havin ' that to read later on is somethin ' I might treasure . I don 't know about that , but Ma 's pretty smart , and if ' n I don 't do it and then when I 'm old end up wishin ' I had , it 'll be too late to do it then . I don 't see how I 'll ever forget any of this , but ifn ' I do , I think I might be right pissed at myself for not listenin ' to Ma . She says doin ' this is kinda important , so I 'm doin ' it . So I 'm 13 now and Rusty is 17 and just as good a friend as ever . Me ' n him spend time together , but me being mostly growed now , I don 't have as much time as I did when I was younger . He sometimes gets a touch annoyed with me . I 'll come out to feed him of an evenin ' and he 'll grab his bridle rope off the nail I hang it on and hold it out to me , then shake it some if ' n I don 't take it . He wants me to take him out and ride him . He gets bored if ' n he doesn 't get his exercise . I try , but I got more chores now than before . Pa says I 'm gettin ' to be a man , I got to see what bein ' a man is about , and I guess bein ' a man is about doin ' more chores , ' cause that 's what I 'm doin ' . I also got homework now , and I got some friends I didn 't have when I was younger . They want me to spend time with them , and I kinda like doin ' that . So sometimes Rusty doesn 't get that much of my time . But I try , and we do ride . And I still talk to him . He 's still the one who hears all my secrets . My secrets are diff ' rent from the ones I had at seven , but I still got ' em . I talk to him and he 'll shake his head and sometimes even turn and poke his head halfway back along his neck and look at me . I 'd swear that horse can understand most of what I say . What I was spendin ' a lot of wind talkin ' to him about lately was Michael . Michael was this kid in my 8th grade class at school . He 'd lived all his life around here just like I had , so I 'd known who he was ever since school started , but he lived in town and I lived on our farm and we never knew each other at all . He was just a kid at school , like a lot of the other ones . My friends were mostly farm kids . We all knew the same things and had about the same chores and a bunch of us rode the same bus , so there was a lot in common . I hung with them at school , much as I could . This bein ' 8th grade and most of us 13 , some of the boys were feelin ' kinda boastful , feelin ' like they needed to show some of the other boys they were better ' n them . I guess that 's how it is when you 're that age . Some of those girls that you thought was a waste of time a couple years ago would kinda glance at some of us boys sideways like and kinda flash their eyes and look a little shy , and some of us boys would get to thinkin ' maybe we ought to beat up a couple of other boys , show how tough we were . Seemed kinda silly to me . I mean the girl part . Now the farm boys , we did a lot a chorin ' and had been since we were mostly little . Some of us were right strong . Some of us weren 't , of course , but a lot of us were . And a lot of the town boys hadn 't had to feed the stock and help with the hayin ' and the plowin ' and all , and they just weren 't as tough as we were . And we stuck together more than they did . I didn 't know why that was , but it could ' a been ' cause there were fewer of us , and it made sense to stick together . What it come down to was , a lot of the town boys didn 't like us none . Which we didn 't mind ' cause a lot of them we didn 't much like either . We stayed pretty much with us , and they stayed with them . Michael was a town boy ; I was a farm boy . I knew his name and that was about it . ' Ceptin ' there was more than that now . I didn 't know what it was , but in English class this term I had a seat right behind him . So I saw him every day . And for some reason , I 'd got to lookin ' forward to seein ' him every day . Didn 't make no sense to me ' cause I didn 't look forward to seein ' any other boy every day , not even my friends . But I got to noticin ' , even in the class we had right before English , I had got to lookin ' at the clock and waitin ' for the class to be over so I could get to English . Now let me tell you , that had NEVER happened before . Me and English teachers weren 't buddies , never were , never would be . I 'd always had a bit of trouble with all them English teachers I 'd had , but this one was the worst . She didn 't like the way I talked , and seemed determined to change it . I didn 't see it at all . I talked like my Pa and Ma talked , and that was plenty good enough for us , and that English teacher could just go to hell if she thought she was better ' n us . I had news for her . I didn 't like the way SHE talked none neither . So lookin ' forward to English was a little confusin ' to me , till I recognized it was sittin ' behind Michael I was lookin ' forward to . I seen it ' cause when I was in my seat my heart would get to beatin ' a little faster and my eyes would be stuck to that door , and then I realized I was waitin ' for him to come through it . That took me some thinkin ' about , and some long talks with Rusty . I talked it over real good with him . He didn 't help me none , but the talkin ' might have . I always felt a little better , after . So I had something new to do at school now . Every day , I 'd look around me and find out where Michael was . Then I 'd be careful not to look there , except now and then . I didn 't want anyone thinkin ' anythin ' , and I sure didn 't want Michael to think anythin ' . 8th grade is a bad time for people to be thinkin ' things . So I spent a lot of time not looking at Michael but knowin ' where he was , and once when I was doin ' that , he was lookin ' at me . I dropped my eyes real quick - like and it was a long time before I looked over at him again , least a minute or so . He was still lookin ' at me . I told my friends I had to get a book out of my locker and moved off . We were all outside in the yard , and I headed for the school door . I got inside and breathed a sigh of relief . My heart was beatin ' a little faster than normal for some reason . I walked down the hallway toward the stairs that led to where my locker was , just ' cause I 'd said that 's where I was goin ' , and I heard the door open behind me . I turned to look , and there was Michael . I suppose I need to say what he looks like . He was as big as I was , by that I mean the same tallness . But I was bigger . Neither of us were fat , or even stocky , but I 'd been at that chorin ' and he hadn 't , I guess , ' cause I was just bigger . He had dark brown hair and dark eyes and a small mouth that always seemed to have a cocky - looking grin on it and you shouldn 't call boys cute , not if they 're 13 and know you 're doin ' it , but he was . I had brown hair too , but his was a shade or two lighter , and his was combed a lot better . He also was a little shy . Now me , I 'm not shy . I think it might be ' cause I 'm helpin ' run a farm , and I 'm right able to do that and help my Pa and I know it . He tells me so , too . I don 't have much to be ' shamed of . I 'm not the talkiest person in the world , but I say what I want to say when I want to . I don 't hold back none ' cause I 'm too shy to speak up . Never have , neither . Remember when I said about that extra chorin ' ? That 's what I mean . He dressed some better than I did . I wore what us farm boys wore , tee shirts and jeans , tennis shoes and that was about it . Michael wore shirts with collars , and while he sometimes wore jeans , they were better lookin ' than the one 's I wore . He wore other kinds of pants , too , and some of them had a crease down each leg right in the front . He wore regular shoes , too , sometimes . Not that I paid that much attention . Michael was shyer ' n me . I didn 't know him well , but since I 'd started knowin ' where he was all the time , it seemed I also happened to be near enough to overhear when he was with his friends , and they talked and he listened , and I noticed , the few times I did look at him , he was lookin ' down a lot and sometimes blushin ' and I could just tell , he was kinda shy . Nuthin ' wrong with that . Lots of kids are shy . Don 't matter none to me . But he was . The reason I bring it up at all is , I was surprised he had followed me into the buildin ' . I didn 't think he 'd do that , even if he did think I had been lookin ' at him , which I was pretty sure he didn 't . I didn 't do it that much . Not that he 'd notice at least . Then I thought maybe he 'd come in for somethin ' that didn 't have nuthin ' at all to do with me . That made my heart slow down a bit , thinkin ' that . Maybe I wouldn 't have to talk to him at all . I 'd stopped when I 'd seen him , and he was comin ' closer . Then he was there , and I was thinkin ' , ' walk on by me , keep goin ' . ' I turned so my back was to him and started fiddlin ' with the lock on a locker right where I was . I wasn 't lookin ' at him . But I heard his feet stop . I went right on fiddlin ' with that lock . It weren 't my locker , but once you start fiddlin ' with a lock , you can 't pretty much just stop . I couldn 't think of a single reason in the world why I 'd do that what didn 't sound silly as all get out . Now , my face was red before , but it must of got redder . Had to . Michael 's grin got bigger . I didn 't know what to do . He wasn 't helpin ' any , and finally I did the only thing I knew how to do . I mumbled , " Oops , wrong locker , sorry , " and turned and started walkin ' fast down the hall . I 'd gone about fifteen steps or so when he called to me . I stopped . I was still blushin ' , but he 'd called and I couldn 't pretend I hadn 't heard him . So I stopped and turned around . I just looked at him , and he broke out laughin ' . He laughed really hard , the longer he looked at me . I was embarrassed , and then got mad that he was laughin ' at me , and then , for some reason I couldn 't even think what was , I started laughin ' too . Talk about makin ' no sense . What did I have to laugh about ? But seein ' him do it , and feelin ' so embarrassed , it just happened . He finally stopped , and just as I was about to turn around , he waved at me , then turned and walked back outside . I watched him walk all the way to the door , and then through it . And what I was thinking was , he hadn 't opened his locker . So , why had he come in ? That was my first time that I had anythin ' to do with him , really . After that , I found it much harder to keep track of him , because I couldn 't look at him any more . I mean , I wanted to . I sure enough wanted to . But I could only do it in English , because his back was to me there , and if he turned around , I 'd have my eyes elsewhere by the time he was around far enough to see where I was lookin ' . And it never was at him . But anywhere else , I couldn 't do it . Because whenever I tried , he was lookin ' at me . And I 'd thought he was shy . Now I had to consider that . ' Cause when I looked at him , he didn 't look away like I did . I still did that . ' Ceptin ' as I never looked at him now , I had no need to do that . Only a few times is all . We went along like this , neither one of us doin ' anythin ' more than lookin ' . I sure wasn 't gonna talk to him . What would I say ? Just lookin ' at him made my stomach feel like it was itchin ' inside . Speakin ' to him would be worse . Or maybe he 'd end up laughin ' at me again . I sorta hated that and wished it would happen again . Kinda confused , is what I was . Miss Bonner was makin ' my life miserable . It was a funny feelin ' , lookin ' forward to English , then sufferin ' through it . Lookin ' at the way Michael 's hair was growin ' every day and curlin ' over his shirt collar , wantin ' so much to reach out and just touch that curl . He had gym class earlier in the day and like most of us , didn 't shower . I could imagine him dryin ' hisself off with a towel , puttin ' on a extra dose of deodorant , then goin ' to his next class . The one after that was English . And by English , if the day were warm , boys who 'd had gym had a odor . I 'd catch Michael 's and hoped Miss Bonner had no reason to make me stand up . His odor was deodorant and him . I got to know that odor . I got to hopin ' he worked up quite a sweat in gym . So part of those English classes were pretty great . But the part where we had to read out loud weren 't . I weren 't a great reader , and then Miss Bonner had to correct how I said things . And if ' n she went on with that too much , I 'd start gettin ' angry . I don 't think she was tryin ' to make me mad , but she sure didn 't seem to notice when it was happenin ' . And this one day , she just went too far . " Paul , that word is pronounced ' trying . ' Not ' tryin ' . ' You have to pronounce it correctly , saying the full ' ing ' sound . Here , try these words : sing , ring , ding , wing . " I looked at her , and begin to get red in the face . She 'd already stopped me and corrected me several times , and now this . She wanted me to say those silly words in front of the class . All the town boys were already snickerin ' , and she wanted me to say these words , and all of them were sorta girlish , and I 'd say all of them wrong . Well , I weren 't gonna do it . I knew what would happen . Everyone would be laughin ' . Michael would be laughin ' . I 'd look stupid . And if ' n I did say ' em , I 'd be hearin ' those words chanted at me in the lunchroom and on the playground for the rest of the year . Shit . I didn 't say anything . Just looked back and kept my mouth shut . That seemed safest . What could they do ? Detention . Then if she did it again , maybe they 'd kick me out . And maybe that wouldn 't be bad , the way I was feelin ' right then . I could work fulltime with Pa . She was startin ' to get red , too . Not a lot , nuthin ' like my red , but red . She didn 't know if I were showin ' her up . Teachers can 't stand it if someone shows them up . Bein ' disrespectful to a teacher is like wavin ' a red flag at a bull . Maybe worse , ' cause I waved a red flag at a bull once and nuthin ' happened . ' Course , he was way across the field and I was just inside the fence , ready to bolt should he take a notion to come over and check that flag out . Actually it was my shirt , but it was red , so I didn 't see no diff ' rence , and that don 't make no never - you - mind anyway . I 'd never been disrespectful to a teacher before , and I really weren 't now , neither . I just was refusin ' to let her humiliate me . I was gonna get in trouble either way , talkin ' or not talkin ' , and I had rather be in trouble with the school than with the kids . Much rather . Miss Bonner didn 't know what to do . Maybe if ' n she 'd been a teacher for a few years she 'd a knowed , but she was brand new . She could figure out by now that I wasn 't gonna to do what she wanted . What she couldn 't figure out was how to get either of us out of this . She 'd told me to do somethin ' , and I wasn 't doin ' it . Now what ? I saw her make up her mind . She was gonna to send me to the office . I knew it , and started to gather up my books even before she spoke . I jumped up , worried about him but also because he 'd told me to help him . Miss Bonner was standin ' still at the front of the room and hadn 't moved , a sorta shocked look on her face . I bent over Michael , and he said , loud enough so others could hear , " My stomach , got to get to the bathroom , help me ! Oooooh . " He staggered to his feet , and because I was up too , he reached for me . He threw his arm around my neck , and started up between the desks to the front . I had to go with him . He was pullin ' me along . He kept sorta stumblin ' along , still holdin ' on to me . I didn 't know if he were fakin ' or not . I sorta thought he was , and sorta thought he weren 't . " See if she 's lookin ' , " he said to me so just I could hear . I managed to halfway turn back , and she was in the doorway , lookin ' concerned . I might not be able to talk like she wanted me to , but I wasn 't stupid , neither . " I 'll stay with him , " I called to her , then turned back to lookin ' where we were goin ' . " Thank you ? " I took a step back away from him then and just looked at him . He was relaxed and had started to grin , and that grin on his face grew bigger than usual . And I did . I realized what he 'd done . I also realized I was talkin ' to him . And his grin . And that he was talkin ' to me . Maybe he wasn 't shy . Maybe he just didn 't talk too much . Sorta like me . " Well , she was being a bitch . She had no right to put you on the spot like that . Besides , I like the way you talk . " He stopped and I waited , but he started to go red . I was gonna ask why , but then remembered he 'd saved me from total embarrassment . Humiliation , really . He was clearly embarrassed now , and I wasn 't about to add to that after what he 'd done for me . " I don 't know , but maybe till just before the bell rings . She 'll be wondering about me , wondering if she should call the nurse , and I don 't want her doing that . The bell 's about to ring anyway . Why don 't we go back and wait outside the door ? Then , after everyone 's gone , we can go talk to her . " That didn 't sound right to me . He 'd said he wanted to talk to her . Now he said he 'd think of something . I figured it out pretty quick : he didn 't want to tell me . Okay . I could deal with that . I 'd know in a couple of minutes anyhow . We left the bathroom and walked down the hall together , neither of us sayin ' anythin ' . Once I turned to look at him . He felt it , I guess , ' cause he turned too , and grinned . We got to the door just as the bell rang . We stopped , and the kids all came pourin ' out . Most of them looked at us but no one stopped . They had their last class comin ' up and had to scoot . We only had a bit of time between classes . You couldn 't be dawdlin ' . When they was gone , we went in . Michael was in front . He walked right up to Miss Bonner . I did too , but was sorta hangin ' back as well . Behind Michael . Now don 't get the wrong idea here . I 'm not shy , and I weren 't afraid of her . He was just in front , that 's all . " Yeah , that was close , but I 'm okay . Thanks for letting me go like that . It wouldn 't have been good for anyone if I 'd waited . " I couldn 't see what his face looked like , but I could see hers . I was some surprised by what he said , and could imagine all sorts of things she might say back , and all sorts of expressions on her face . I couldn 't , though , imagine the one I did see . She looked at him , then at me , and blushed , and looked , well , apologetic . " Oh , Paul . I 'm so sorry . " That 's what she said . She really said that . I sorta stepped out from behind Michael so I could hear better . " I forgot all about what you must be feeling . I just got caught up in trying to help a little , and then it was too late . I wasn 't helping at all . I 'm really sorry . I won 't do that again . " " Huh ? " Okay , that wasn 't the smartest thing to say , but I was just about stunned there . I didn 't know what to say . Michael saved me . Again . " Miss Bonner , I was thinking maybe I could work with Paul , after school maybe . Maybe he could come over to my house , or I could get a ride to his . I like the way he talks , but I know what you want . He 's real smart and if I work with him , I think he can do better . You think that might be okay ? But either way , it isn 't good to say things to him in class about it . " " No , you 're right about that . I was wrong , and I do apologize , Paul . I think that is a great idea you have , to work with him Michael . Thank you . " " Of course . " And she wrote one out for each of us . We got them and left the classroom together . Outside , we walked away from her door so no one could hear us . We were in the empty hall , just the two of us . " What was all that about you helpin ' me ? I don 't need any help . There 's nuthin ' wrong with me ! " That might have sounded like I was mad . Well , I guess I was a little mad , but only a little . Mostly I was confused . I weren 't sure what had just happened . He thought for a moment or two , then asked , " Does your late slip say the same as mine ? Mine doesn 't give any time or anything , just asks my teacher to excuse me because she held me up . Yours probably says the same thing . " I looked at him like a fool . I seemed to be doing that a lot lately . I was beginning to think he was maybe a little smarter than I was . He was lookin ' in windows as we passed each door . He finally found what he wanted and tried the doorknob . It turned , and pretty quick we were inside . He shut the door . He started to say somethin ' , then stopped . He did that a couple of times . He spent some time lookin ' down at the desk he was sittin ' at , too . When he finally did speak , he said , " This is hard . I didn 't realize it would be this hard . But it is . But if I don 't say it , I 'll go crazy . I hope you 're not mad at me . And won 't be . It 's just , well . . . . " He stopped then and studied that desk some more . His face was sorta red and I thought he was embarrassed . I didn 't know why . Embarrassed or not , grinnin ' or not , he was still real cute , and sittin ' here alone with him , I felt real good . I was all over my anger . " Paul . " He stopped , and then , kinda desperately said , all in a rush , " Paul , I 've seen you looking at me . I wondered why . Most of the farm kids don 't like us town kids much , and at first , I was a little worried maybe you didn 't like me at all and maybe were thinking of doing something about that . But you seemed to keep looking , and you didn 't look mad or anything . So I started sorta looking back , and after a while , I kinda liked looking at you , which is funny because I 'd never looked at another boy like I was looking at you . Before . I mean . " He stopped then . He 'd been talkin ' mostly to the desk , and what he 'd said he 'd sorta blurted out , like if he stopped he might not get it said , but when he finished he dared raise his eyes . He raised them then and looked square at me , prob ' ly wantin ' to know how I was takin ' this . He evidently didn 't see anythin ' that bothered him much because he seemed to take a breath and went on . " It 's scary talking to you like this , but I 've been thinking about you a lot , and wondering why you were looking at me , and I sort of got the idea I might know why . And it 's been driving me a little crazy , too , because as much as you 've been looking , and I 've been looking , neither of us have really been , like , doing anything but looking . " He stopped then , and looked at me again , and then said , " Maybe I 'm all wrong about this . If I am , I 'm really sorry . But I thought maybe , just maybe , you were thinking the same things I was thinking , and if so , I , well , I sort of wanted you to know what I was thinking . " There was silence then . It went on a bit . He 'd look down , then look up again , then down . Surprisin ' ly , I seemed to be doing the same thing . Occasionally , our eyes would meet , and then we 'd both sorta blush a little and both look down again . No , I couldn 't . Didn 't want to . Liked just thinkin ' about what he 'd said . I could think about that for a long time . I liked what he 'd said , and a lot , too . And I wanted more time to think about it . To digest it . But I realized , he must be wonderin ' how I felt about what he 'd said , and I owed him to tell him . " Uh , Michael . It 's sorta embarrassin ' . But yeah , you 've been brave enough . I guess I can be . I noticed you . I mean , I 've knowed you for a long time , just as you 've knowed me . I don 't know quite how to talk about it . But I started looking at you for no reason I can explain , then found I couldn 't really stop looking at you . And then realized I didn 't want to stop . But I knew I should , and then that day I knowed you 'd seen me looking , I had to do something , so I walked away , into the school . And you followed me . I didn 't know what to do so stopped at that locker , and you know what happened then . " Well , when you laughed , I should have got angry , and almost did , but then I laughed too , and the things I was feelin ' , well , I got to feelin ' them a lot more after that . And I spent some time thinkin ' about you too . But I couldn 't say anythin ' or do anythin ' and I don 't know how in the world you got the guts to say what you just did . Or do what you just did with Miss Bonner . You 're amazin ' ! " I was still looking away when he started talkin ' . " I got to thinking , that 's all , and I thought that what I said to her would give us a reason to be together , after school . I mean , if we needed one . You could tell your parents , and I could tell mine , that we needed to work together . I 'd have a reason to come to your house and you 'd have one to come to mine , and no one would be able to say no , and if there was any doubt , not that there would be , but if there was , they could call Miss Bonner and she 'd say yeah , we 'd talked to her about it and she was all for it . " " Oh , yeah . Yeah , I really do . Hey , Michael , I 'm not as dumb as I 've been soundin ' . It 's just a whole lot has happened here real fast , and I guess I 'm not as good with fast as you are . " I grinned at him then . Maybe my grin is pretty good too , ' cause I 'd swear I saw some movement in his crotch . Not that I was lookin ' at it at all . So that 's about how it happened that we started to get together . Can you believe he 'd never ridden a horse before ? He hadn 't . But I got him ridin ' . He got to know Rusty , too , and Rusty liked him . It might have been that sensin ' thing I talked about before , but Rusty isn 't always that good with strangers , and he took to Michael right away . By the time summer come around again , Michael and I were really good friends . After we 'd spent some time together , I 'd actually been a little awkward about sayin ' it , but had managed to ask him if he really would help me with my grammar and pronouncin ' . He 'd been really good about it , just like he was with everythin ' . He didn 't embarrass me or make me feel dumb and all . He said the best way might be to just tell me when I said somethin ' that maybe could be said better . And then when I said somethin ' wrong , he didn 't say anything like , " Hey , dumbass , you said , blah , and it should have been such and such . " No , instead he said , " Paul , you might want to try saying that this way , " and then suggested the right way . Sometimes he 'd even tell me why what I said was wrong and why a diff ' rent way was right . I 'm not dumb , I just spoke the way I heard everyone else around me speak . Michael was the first one who 'd ever spoken correctly around me . I listened and learned . It wasn 't that hard . I also asked him one time , ' cause it 'd been botherin ' me some . We were in his room . He was sprawled on his bed , lookin ' at me , and I was trying not to look at him too much because , well , even now that I knew him and we 'd more or less said we liked each other , it was still easy to get excited if I looked at him too much , and sprawled out like that I sort had to be careful it didn 't become too obvious just how much I liked him . So , to get my mind off ' n that , I brought up somethin ' I 'd been thinkin ' on for quite a spell . " Sure . " He was tired , and his voice showed it . We 'd been playing tag football with a bunch of his friends and both of us had been runnin ' a lot . " I don 't understand what happened that day when Miss Bonner was gettin ' on me for the way I pronounce things . When you pretended you were sick . When you spoke to her , after , I sorta felt like I was in a science fiction movie . None of that made any sense . It didn 't seem real . You told her she should apologize to me . I never heard a kid say that to a teacher . And then she did it . She apologized to me more than once even , and she meant it . I 've thought about that a lot , and still don 't get it . What happened there ? Why did you say that , and why did she apologize ? " Michael sat up then . He looked at me , then away . He always did that when he was thinking how to say somethin ' . He acted like he sometimes didn 't want to hurt my feelin 's . He thought some , then looked me right in the eyes . " I guess there was never any reason to . He 's on the town council . He 's a lawyer , but he 's also on the council . He tells Mom and me about stuff they discuss at their meetings . They talk about problems the town has , and what he thinks is the best way to handle them . " " Paul , one of the problems they talked about recently was that a lot of farm kids are dropping out of school before they graduate . They 're looking into why that happens . Dad says it 's tragic , because farm kids need an education just as much as town kids . Anyway , they talked , and had some people in who knew about this to talk to them . Well , it turns out , one of the reasons farm kids drop out is just what happened to you . They get put on the spot by teachers , and then other kids start teasing them for it , and these kids think to themselves , ' Why should I go through this ? I 'm going to be working on that farm the rest of my life , I don 't need to put up with this crap ! ' And so they drop out . That 's one of the reasons they do that . " And because of that , I know that the school administrators and town council had a big meeting , and the teachers were told how important it was not to put the farm kids in embarrassing positions . All kids had to be taught proper English , but they weren 't to be embarrassed for the way they talked . Miss Bonner is a new teacher , and I like her . She was trying to help you , Paul , but she forgot about that not embarrassing anyone rule . She was so sure she could get you to talk differently , her enthusiasm got in the way of seeing how you were reacting . " When she was doing that , and I could see you getting embarrassed , I thought about what my dad had said , about farm kids dropping out . And I got a little scared , because I thought you might want to do that . And I didn 't want you to . So I did what I did , but it was partly because I was selfish and didn 't want you not to be at that school with me . " There was a little more to it , too . When we went back to talk to her , I was also a little angry . I knew her intentions were good . I just was angry because she 'd hurt you , doing what she did . And I wanted her to think about that . I didn 't know if she 'd get angry with me or not , and I didn 't care . If she 'd gotten mad at me , I was going to get mad at her right back . I was a little surprised , too , that she was so apologetic , but she should have been . What she did to you was wrong . " At home that night , layin ' in bed before I fell asleep , I thought a lot about that . I thought about Miss Bonner , and about Michael , and about me , too . I decided I wasn 't going to drop out of school . I also decided I was going to learn to speak proper . Properly . I was going to get Michael to help me . So everthin ' with me and - . Damn . So everythin ' with Michael and me was fine . Really good , in fact . There was only one thing . One little thing . He slept over at my house some , and I slept at his . We both liked each other . That was real clear . But we both were also just , well , we didn 't really know how to get started with each other . I think we both wanted to , but if either of us thought about it , we never did talk about it . We were 13 and not at all sure of ourselves or even what we wanted . I could see in his eyes he wanted what I wanted . But it was sorta like when we didn 't know each other and would just look , then look away . Neither of us seemed to know what to do . At night when he was sleeping over at my place and we were out behind the barn , watching the stars and talking , leaning back against the old red boards and soaking up the night and each other 's presence , I 'd take his hand in mine . That was the most we 'd ever done . I know , that sounds like nuthin ' , but when you 're 13 and never have done nuthin ' and are sorta afraid to , even with wantin ' to so bad it hurts sometimes , it 's a lot . I know when I did it , my heart was really pumpin ' fast . So it might not sound like a lot , but it was . At least it seemed like it was to both of us . That did change , and what changed it was what I started talkin ' about , a long time ago it seems . Rusty changed it . Remember when I said a couple of times he changed my life , thinkin ' he was the boss of me ? Well , the first was when he took it into his mind to save my life . The second time was with Michael . It was summer , it was hot , and Michael and I - he told me I shouldn 't be sayin ' , ' me and Michael , ' and I 'd been tryin ' - were ridin ' . I was on Rusty of course , and he was on Ma 's horse , Lucy . He rode Lucy more ' n Ma did . They got along fine . Lucy was real gentle and Michael was gettin ' to be a pretty fair rider . I 'd been teachin ' him horse as much as he 'd been teachin ' me English . We were just slow walkin ' the horses , and Michael was complainin ' about the heat . Even the way he whined about things was cute , and I was sorta laughin ' , but what I was feelin ' that day , I don 't know , I was feelin ' like I really wanted Michael . I guess you 'd just say I was horny as all get out , but that isn 't exactly right either . But it were mostly true . I really , really wanted him . I wanted to kiss him . I wanted him to kiss me . And the need was pressin ' on me somethin ' fierce . More ' n usual , and that 's sayin ' somethin ' . It was so bad , so urgent , so necessary , that even Rusty could feel it . As I 've said , horses sense things humans can 't , and it was like he was on my wavelength that day , maybe ' cause I was feelin ' what I was feelin ' so strong . But I knew him like he knew me , and just the way his muscles were ripplin ' under my butt and between my knees , I could tell he was gettin ' as agitated as I was . Watchin ' Michael that day , was , well , I can 't describe it , and horny doesn 't do it justice because it was my soul that wanted him as much as , well , as any other part of me . " Don 't hafta . Follow me . " And I pushed Rusty up into a gallop . He loved runnin ' and I didn 't have to do more than push my pelvis forward and he was off . Michael had learned how to gallop without fallin ' off much , and he was right behind me . We got into the woods and slowed down , and then we were at the creek . It was just as pretty as the last time I 'd been here , and I realized I 'd missed it . I 'd been busy and it had been awhile . I dismounted and walked over to the creek , lettin ' Rusty 's reins drop . He came with me and got hisself a drink . Michael came over too and stood beside me . " Yeah , it is . I almost died here when I was seven . The water was movin ' fast and I sorta got swept up in it . Rusty came into the water and saved me . " " Yep . Without him , I 'd a been a gonner . But he was there for me . Weren 't you , boy ? " And I patted him on his sturdy neck . He nickered and nuzzled my cheek . I giggled . That always tickled when he did that . Michael was looking at us . Finally he looked away , and eventually said , " Too bad we didn 't bring suits . It does look great . And cool ! " " Suits ? What is it with you city boys ? Suits ! I 've been swimmin ' here all my life , Michael . Never once wore a suit ! " Now I 'd never seen him naked , nor him me . I 'd swum naked here so many times , it just came natural to me , to go swimmin ' you just got undressed , and I didn 't really give it a thought . All I was thinkin ' was gettin ' in that cool water . He hadn 't moved . He 'd just watched me . He was still fully dressed , and his eyes were large and on me , but low on me . And his crotch was sticking out about as far as the denim would let it . Now this could have been really embarrassin ' . I mean it was , but it just didn 't last very long . He was lookin ' at me , and I was lookin ' at him , and we were both starting to turn red , when suddenly , out of nowhere , I felt this large hairy force in my back that pushed me right into Michael . Rusty had put his nose in my back and just shoved us together . Michael was standin ' on the edge of the creek , and I was pushed right into him , and he sorta naturally wrapped his arms around me , and then we were both in the water . It was about ten inches deep right there , and the bottom was soft mud , so he only got wet and muddy . I was on top of him , naked and laughing . He looked at me , surprised , and then there was that grin , and then he was kissing me , and I was kissing him . And that went on for a while , quite a while , and in the middle of it , I heard a loud whinny that sounded quite a bit like a laugh , but who was payin ' any mind at all to a silly old horse who prob ' ly saved us a whole summer which would have been wasted by not knowin ' how to do nuthin ' but be shy with each other ? That 's really all I have to say , except there 's one more thing I ought to write here . We both had English together in 9th grade , and Miss Bonner was teachin ' that class that year . When it was the first day , before class we walked up to her . " Michael ! Paul ! I 'm so happy to have you two again ! I thought about you two over the summer . And I 've been wondering . Did you do it ? Did you get together ? Paul , have you been working on things at all ? " I spoke right up to her . I said , " Miss Bonner , Michael 's been working with me and I 've been trying , and I think you 'll hear me speak just a little better this year . He told you I was smart . I don 't know about that , but I do know he is . He 's smarter than anybody , I think , and he 's a great teacher . We 'll be working and studying some more together this year , mostly because I still need a lot of help . But I 'm pretty sure you can already hear a difference . " She was standing there and I 'm telling this truthfully : her mouth was hanging a little bit open . She looked shocked . " Paul ! " she said , and then , by god , she hugged me ! Right there in front of the class ! I got a little embarrassed , but I 'm not shy so it really didn 't bother me any . And Michael , with his own grin on his face , said , " Aw , twern 't nuthin , Miss B . I just been sorta hangin ' with Paul some , and I 'm a guessin ' some a me just rubbed off on him a bit . ' Magine somthin ' like that happenin ' ! But , glad I were makin ' a diff ' rence , ma ' am . " I was out riding a couple of weeks later . Just Rusty and me , after school late in the afternoon . Michael was rehearsing for the school play . He 'd wanted me to go out for it too , and I 'd actually thought about it some , but decided I couldn 't . I 've been thinking lately about how I 've been saying I 'm not shy , and maybe I 've been fooling myself . Maybe I am , a little . I need to work on that , but trying to work on it in front of the entire school up on the stage is too big a step . It would be a giant step , and baby ones might suit me better . I 've been working hard on my speech , and am doing better . If I can do that , I can probably do better about not being so shy , either . All it 'll take is some hard work . I know I can do it . I talked it over with Rusty . He agreed with me . He agreed about working on the shyness , and with not doing it by being in that play . So instead of rehearsing , I was riding . I might have enjoyed rehearsing . I know I would have liked spending that extra time with Michael . But I liked spending the extra time with Rusty , too . The way he was shaking his head and jigging , doing little dancing sidesteps now and then as we were walking through that pasture , the way he was nickering at me as I spoke to him , I knew he liked spending this extra time with me , too . And I did owe him some . My life , being with Michael like I now was : hell , I owed him everything . Authors deserve your feedback . It 's the only payment they get . If you go to the top of the page you will find the author 's name . Click that and you can email the author easily . Please take a few moments , if you liked the story , to say so . [ For those who use webmail , or whose regular email client opens when they want to use webmail instead : Please right click the author 's name . A menu will open in which you can copy the email address to paste into your webmail system ( Hotmail , Gmail , Yahoo etc ) . Each browser is subtly different , each Webmail system is different , or we 'd give fuller instructions here . 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The old man was a creepy feature in our house that summer . Each morning , after breakfast , my mother would wheel him out onto the landing outside our kitchen door , and there he remained for most of the day . His eyes were sunk deep into their sockets . He was nearly blind ; supposedly he could see only shadows . His nose was bony and hawkish , jutting out from a face that was just a mass of wrinkles . His pale skin appeared paler under the early morning sun , and no matter how warm it was , a heavy afghan lay across his lap and over the arms of his wheelchair . His lips were always parted , and sometimes you could catch a glimpse of his two remaining front teeth . The only time he ever spoke now was to ask for water . " Cold , cold water , " he rasped softly whenever he was thirsty . It never sounded like a request , but an observation , as though he was seeing in his mind some mountain stream whose crystal clear water was babbling through a formation of rocks . He would repeat the words at almost exactly intervals , never certain anybody was close enough to hear . I was fourteen then , and every time I had to pass him to enter through the kitchen door , my scrotum shrunk slightly , as if the temperature on the landing was hovering just above zero . " Cold , cold water . " His eyelids drooped a bit , so you could see only a sliver of green and white . I knew he couldn 't see me , but the way his eyes appeared made me feel that he wasn 't blind , but that I was invisible . That was the summer my brother , Ricky , decided to kill the Greek . I never for a moment believed he would actually do it . He had changed quite a bit in the last year ; he had developed opinions - on just about everything , it seemed - started to pass judgment on everything and everybody . But he had not changed that much . So when he told me his plans , I was sure that it was all talk . We sat on out on the back stairs of our house . He was sitting on one of the higher stairs , as though that somehow reflected that he was older than me and therefore ought to be elevated . On the landing the old man loomed over us , a silent sentinel . I considered this , but it just didn 't make any sense to me . The Greek had bought the neighborhood candy store last year . It was true that he was not as likeable as Mr . Bellini , the old owner who had dispensed candy to the kids and milk and bread to their parents for about a hundred years . He always seemed sullen , walking around in a dirty t - shirt . His black hair was receding and slicked back , and his dark eyes were somewhat protuberant , as though he was always on the verge of losing his temper . He was not the nicest human being , but I couldn 't see that he was worthy of being killed , and I told Ricky as much . " Oh , his daughter … " I said knowingly . Ricky had had a crush on the Greek 's daughter , Lori , since he first laid eyes on her . I couldn 't blame him , really ; she was quite pretty , with long wavy dark hair and the kind of face you 'd see on a cameo - and her body wasn 't bad , either . For some reason , though , Ricky , lately , had lost interest in her . " Don 't give me ' Oh , her daughter ' like you know everything , " he chided me . " She 's aside from the point . " " Just stay away from her - that 's all , " he said . He stared over the railing again . In the yard birds were swooping down , landing in the lawn and pecking at the grass seed our mother had spread yesterday . It was no wonder why the lawn always had the scruffy look , with tiny bare spots here and there . You just couldn 't put down enough grass seed - there were just too many birds . On the landing the old man started to murmur , " Cold , cold water , " but neither one of us took much notice . " You know I nearly got her , " Ricky said in a mischievous way . " Yeah ? " Ricky snorted . " You don 't know nothing , " he said , and sounded just the way adults sound when they 're talking to kids sometimes . " No , he didn 't catch anything . " " Yeah , and her body was - perfect - I mean , perfect . You know ? She got down to her underwear and then she takes me into her bedroom . So I 'm getting excited , you know , like we were really going to do it and somehow that seemed so unreal - like it was a dream . We were going to do it while the Greek was down stairs , right under us , putting price tags on the canned food . So I start getting undressed . She took off his panties , and that was that - I 'll tell you , " he said with great disdain . " She had this - I never seen anything like it . You know , it wasn 't anything like the girls you 'd see in the Playboys dad keeps hidden from mom in the back of the closet . " He leaned down closer , and lowered his voice , as though afraid the old man on the landing might hear . " She had this bush - it wasn 't a bush ; it was the whole freaking forest , you know . It was totally gross . The hair went almost up to her navel - I 'm not kidding . Well , I just couldn 't deal with that . I could never be that horny - no way . It was disgusting . I was totally pissed . It could have been perfect , but she ruined it . " He shook his head , as if he still couldn 't believe it . " You know , I went through a lot of trouble to talk her out of her clothes . You 'd think she 'd have the decency not to show me something like that , you know . I mean , her old man sells razor blades downstairs . How much trouble would it have been - you know ? " " No , no , no , I told you she was aside from the point . I was just telling you what happened , because you asked . Can 't you remember anything ? " " See , that 's what I mean about people being out of order . Nobody ought to live that long . A person 's great - grandfather ought to be underground somewhere - not put out on the landing ever day , like … like a potted plant or something . The same thing with the Greek ; he 's out of order . Old Mr . Bellini was fine ; he really liked the kids . The Greek just pretends . He actually hates the kids . He just takes their money - that 's all . He doesn 't care . He gloms money , and beats his wife and daughter . He doesn 't fit . " " A lot of people have eyes but how many of them see ? It 's funny . When you 're a little kid , you accept everything you see , whether it 's good or bad . But you get to a point where you see that some things just aren 't right and that something ought to be done about it . So , yeah , the Greek should die . He should die and his wife should get everything . That would restore order - " A moment later , our mother walked out onto the landing with a glass of water . She gave Ricky a sour look - I could hardly blame her - and then she held the glass up to the old man 's wrinkled lips . He slurped the water , which started to run off at the corners of his mouth , and dripped down onto the afghan . When the glass was empty , our mother paused to give Ricky another look of disapproval before going back into the kitchen . He showed it to me only once . It was an automatic - a 9mm - and the handle and barrel were covered with tiny scratches , as though it had been dropped many times . After he showed it to me , he hid it some where in his bedroom . After that , I didn 't have to see it again ; it was enough to know that it was in the house . I should have told my parents then , but I just couldn 't bring myself to do that . I really still didn 't think he would go through with it . His reasoning for wanting to shoot the Greek didn 't seem sound to me , and I was sure that he would see that , too , and forget about the whole thing . So I just kept my mouth shut . One day my mother took the old man down the stairs , so that he could spend the day on the small patio in the yard . She wheeled him out onto the landing , and then awkwardly turned the wheelchair so that it faced the stairs . She tipped the chair back slightly , which was easily because the old man was so light , and then slowly lowered the chair down the stairs . Every time the large , rubber rimmed wheels hit a stair , there was a low thump and the wood of the stair would creak , as though it was some kind of warning that something unnatural was occurring . She got him out to the patio , and arranged the wheelchair so that it was facing the yard . She seemed irrationally particular about how the wheelchair was positioned , as though she was unaware the old man was blind and was concerned about him having a good view of her flower garden . At lunchtime , she brought him a bowl of apple sauce and spooned it into his mouth . Whenever some of the apple sauce escaped his mouth and slid down his chin , which was often , she scrape it off it the spoon and fed it to him . After she had finished she retreated to the house , and settled herself in the living room to watch soap operas , as she did every day . Later , with my father home from work , we all sat down at the kitchen table to have dinner . This was always an oddly quiet time for us ; nobody ever spoke , and all you could hear was the soft scraping of folks on our plates . Nobody much looked at each other , either , but I noticed , now and then , my parents pause and frown slightly , as if wondering whether all the windows were closed because it had started raining pretty hard outside . All of a sudden my mother shot up from her chair and said something . It came out garbled , but sounded like " Oh , my God ! " She raced toward the back door , and I followed her . The old man was still sitting out on the patio . He was soaking wet by now . His head - so remindful of a baby bird 's , for some reason - was slightly tilted up toward the gray sky as the rain struck his face . His mouth was slightly opened as though he was trying to catch the raindrops . My mother tugged him back up the stairs . As she wheeled him through the kitchen , I could hear him murmur , " Cold , cold water . " It was hard to tell if he was thirsty or complaining about the rain . After all the ruckus had died down , I sat down to finish eating . Ricky looked at me . Like our father , he had not left his seat . He said one word : " Soon . " Ricky was spending a lot of time in his room . There were some days I didn 't even see him . I could hear music playing from his stereo , and sometimes he was watching the small black - and - white television that was atop his dresser . It seemed unhealthy . He barely ever went outside . During previous summers he would seldom be at home ; he would go to the park to get into a pick - out baseball game , or hang around the street corner with friends , or just go for a walk - anything to be outside . Now he was content to be holed up in his room , with the door always shut . I could picture him lying there on his unmade bed . He never made his bed . His room was always a mess , with dirty clothes strewn on the floor . Once , my mother swore , she found a pair of sweat socks under his bed that were nearly as stiff as a board , they were so dirty . Sometimes , I could hear the springs of his bed squeaking , and I know he was doing push - ups ; he always did push - ups off the floor with his feet atop his bed , lowering his face toward the dirty laundry . Other times , there was no sound at all . Then I 'd wonder what he was doing . Was he sleeping or did he have the gun out of its hiding place , looking it over , removing and replacing the clip , thinking about his plan ? I could never bring myself to knock on his door . To him that seemed to be the ultimate affront . If somebody did that , he would start screaming at them through the door - even if it was my father , who didn 't like that kind of disrespect and wasn 't shy about telling him that . One evening I noticed his bedroom door was opened . His dirty clothes almost spilled out into the living room . He was nowhere in the house . My mother told me he 'd gone for a walk . I felt like searching the room to see if he 'd taken the gun with him . But I wouldn 't have known where to start ; his room was such a mess , it might take hours for me to determine if the gun was there . When I looked at the kitchen clock and saw the time , I knew he had the gun with him . It was almost seven o ' clock , the time the Greek closed up for the night . I was struck with the buzzy feeling people get when confronted with something otherworldly . He was actually going to do it . It seemed so unreal , but I knew it was true . The next day the news was all over the neighbor . Even people who didn 't like the Greek were horrified that he 'd been shot dead while closing up the store . Nobody saw who shot the Greek , but there were police cars cruising throughout the area all day long just the same . The old man sat in his wheelchair in the living room all that day . My mother was afraid that he would catch a chill and develop pneumonia if she put him outside . She fed him his lunch , and then took the car to the store to buy groceries . I sat on the sofa , and watched cable shows . I tried my best to ignore the old man , but sometimes I couldn 't help looking at him . His sightless eyes seemed to be staring at me . I couldn 't concentrate on what was on the television . I kept wondering what the old man knew , how much he heard and understood - if anything . I was sure he didn 't know that the Greek was dead and that his great - grandson had killed him and that his other great - grandson had known that he was going to do it but didn 't do or say anything to stop him . Beyond that , the old man could have been thinking anything , or nothing . Ricky wandered out of his room just then . It was almost noon - he was sleeping later every day , it seemed . He was wearing sleeveless shirt that showed off his well - muscles shoulders . His hands were jammed into the pockets of his pants , and he seemed to be in one of his broody moods . He looked at me briefly , and then turned to stare at the old man . " Somebody ought to put a pillow over his face , really , " Ricky said . I must have given him a look of disapproval - either that or a look of panic at the idea he might actually do it . I just didn 't know what to expect from him anymore . He shrugged his thick shoulders . " There 's definitely a quality of life issue here . " " Don 't even , " I said , disgusted . I felt that he had betrayed a trust by actually killing the Greek . He knew I hadn 't believed he 'd do it , and when he actually did do it , he made me his accomplice . I couldn 't say anything now , and he knew that - he wasn 't stupid . I didn 't much like the feeling of being put in that situation . He snorted . " Think what you want . I explained to you how things were . I can 't do anything if you don 't understand . Some people are just out of line . Nobody does anything about it , and that 's what causes the world to go wrong . You think it 's right for that old man to still be living and breathing ? What 's the point of it ? " He shrugged . " I started to understand things , I guess . You know , they try to teach you right from wrong , but they don 't really want you to know . They want to keep you stupid . And you know why ? Because they don 't want you to know that half the things they do are wrong . Like last year , when I had to go to summer school . Remember ? They were all concerned about my falling behind , and , oh , they were going to help , and they were going to take care of me . Yeah , right . Then when you go , they treat you like you 're stupid . They even call you stupid . What ? - is that supposed to help ? They just don 't know what they do to kids . Not me , of course - I understand what 's going on ; I see their faults . But you take your average kid . He 's trusting and all , and listens to everything he 's told , and believes it , and they end up making him feel he 's not even good enough to go to school . It 's not worth their precious efforts . That 's what they do , every one of those teachers who teach during the summer at school . They tell the parents one thing , and then turn round and treat their kids a whole different way - as though they 're burdens the teachers have to endure . Well , that 's what they get paid for , right ? It 's their job . But they can 't just do it ; they have to mess with peoples ' minds . I wonder how many kids they ruin every summer , how many kids never get to go where they 're meant to go , because they 've been discouraged , because they 've been led to believe they 're hopeless . It 's not right , I 'm telling you , it 's not right . If I walked into that school tomorrow morning I shot every one of them in the head , I 'd be doing everybody a big favor . " Long before he finished , I had begun to get a sick feeling in my gut . It wasn 't that he was getting excited as he spoke ; he showed no passion at all , in fact , but just spoke in a steady , calm drone . That was the creepiest thing about it , really , the way he said the words as though he was reading off the batting averages of his favorite baseball players . I knew he meant every word he said . The threat was real . He 'd already killed the Greek . He was like a tame animal that tastes blood for the first time , and now he was ruined forever . Every time he passed judgment on somebody now , it would not be enough ; he would actually want to do something about it . It was madness . I couldn 't understand how this had happened to him , how he 'd had turned into himself and got so twisted up . He wasn 't even like my brother anymore , but some stranger that had invaded the house . " Cold , cold water , " I heard the old man say . At the moment they seemed like the saddest words in the world . For a change , I went to the kitchen to get him a glass . At night I had dreams about him . I couldn 't rightfully call them nightmares , because they lacked the terror that true nightmares evoked in me . The content of the dreams were disturbing enough , but it presented itself in such a matter - of - fact way that I barely found the dreams disturbing . In one of the dreams Ricky had been wounded by the cops . He was holed up in one of the abandoned factories that were plentiful in our lower - middle class neighborhood . It was bringing him food in a large open room that had once been filled with machinery used in the manufacturing of bicycle parts . Everything appeared in black and white . He was wearing a sleeveless white tee shirt and the large splotch of blood that showed at the side of his stomach appeared in dark gray and not red . The beat - up 9mm poked out from the top of his jeans . He paced around slowly , but not as though in pain , eating a tuna salad sandwich that looked dull and tasteless . Between bits , he droned on how the world was filled with wrong that he planned to make right . He would give his life if he must . He painted himself as some heroic figure on a noble quest . Then , just as the last crumbs fell from his lips , he pulled the 9mm from the front of his pants , aimed at me , and fired . The 9mm bucked in his hand , but made no noise . That was when I 'd wake up . I wouldn 't be soaked in sweat . I wouldn 't feel fear or even dread . I wouldn 't feel anything , in fact , as though it all had been of little importance . Maybe I felt this way , I thought , because it all seemed so unreal to me . Maybe Ricky had been right to suggest that I was blind to things that he could see . I suspected I would be better off to go through life so unenlightened . Share this : FacebookRedditTwitterMoreGoogleTumblrPrintEmailLike this : Like Loading . . . John Townes had no hobbies . He had never been much interested in gardening , and assembling jigsaw puzzles usually gave him a headache . Any other hobbies seemed either unappealing or tedious or just plain stupid . So when he retired , he found that he had much time on his hands . Between lunch and dinner each day , he started to take a walk . At first , this , too , seemed rather pointless . But in time , he learned to enjoy his walks ; the exercise kept him fit , and seemed to help his digestion , which had been troublesome at times . It seemed he walked more and more each day , until he was away from the house for two , even three , hours . At first his wife thought that this was a bad idea . What if something happened to him ? How would she know ? But after he had returned each day , like clockwork before dinner , her worries faded away , and she was actually able to enjoy the peace of not having him around the house , through which he was prone to prowl like a caged animal if he had nothing to occupy him . He stopped at a red light at the corner , and waited while cars passed this way and that before him . He wondered that there were so many people and that all of them seemed to have a purpose . And the cars passed in such an orderly way it was hard to imagine that accidents were possible . They were so quiet now - so different from his first car , a Nash . The light turned green , and he started across the street . He was struck by a strange feeling , then , just before he reached the opposite curb - a sudden feeling of out - of - place - ness - and he stopped in his tracks . He looked around . Nothing was familiar . The small deli on the corner he 'd been approaching , the gas station he had just passed - everything seemed foreign . He was still puzzling over it all , when the driver whose path he was blocking blew his horn . Draperies in the front windows were drawn shut . His wife would never have that . If the sun were shining brightly , like now , the draperies would always be open . " Let the light in , " she was fond of saying . " After you die , you 're in the darkness for a long , long time . " At first he was panic - y , but soon he forgot that he seemed to be lost . The act of walking was somehow reassuring . If you 're moving everything is all right ; it 's when you 're stopped , like a sitting duck , that you have to worry . Looked like Gene 's mother , that one , he thought of the woman . Oh , gosh , when was it she got killed ? Just after the war - that 's right . Hit by a drunk driver . Gene and I were wearing our uniforms at the wake , sure . Heck of a thing - a guy coming back from the war - not home a week yet - seeing what he saw - and thinking everything is going back to normal , then , bam , your mother gets run down . Sad - so very sad . He thought about the war often these days . Even now he glanced at the clear blue sky , and remembered the times he had seen the bombers , huge , hulking , gray , threading through the wispy white clouds . When the bombs hit the ground , it seemed the entire earth would shake . The tanks used to hop a meter off the ground , and when they fell back down their tracks would be embedded in the earth . Where had that been ? Sicily ? North Africa ? No , that was Sicily , he was sure . North Africa - that was different . It had been hot - so very hot . And the bugs ! You had to eat meals with one hand , and swat the bugs away with the other . He had been a cook then , and hadn 't marched much but rode in the cook wagon . He remembered , with great pride , the time he had made whipped cream in the desert so that the guys could eat it with their canned peaches . Imagined that , he thought . Whipped cream in the desert ! " I made whipped cream , " John said , and the man frowned and shook his head , not understanding . People seemed so stupid these days . It irked John that more and more often people didn 't appeared to understand him . " Oh , mind your own business , " he grumbled at the guy , and continued walking . He walked up to it , placed his hand on the shiny blue surface . It was cold . He looked around , beyond the people passing by , but nothing else looked familiar . He couldn 't have said how long he stood there like that , but when he looked down , he saw his hand was still resting on the mailbox . He snorted . " Sure , " he muttered , thinking , Of course you know a mailbox . They all look the same , no matter where you go . The streets here appeared older . The cement of the sidewalks showed many cracks , like starbursts or spider webs . He remembered the old rhyme from when he was a kid - step on a crack , you break your mother 's back . What a horrible thing to say , he now realized , but he couldn 't keep the rhyme from replaying itself in his head . And he remembered wearing old shorts that showed the skinny legs and scabby knees , and walking down the street trying to avoid all the cracks in the pavement and cobblestones . And he remembered placing an Indian head penny on the rail of the train track , and how the penny was paper thin and smooth after the train rumbled past . And he remembered his mother yelling at him for wasting money that could be spent on food or something around the house . And he remembered the workers laying the tracks for the streetcars … . Yes , he could see it in his mind as though it had happened only yesterday … . The street was all dug up , and all the workers were black , and they were sweating under the sun as they dug , and they were always nice to him when he walked by , pausing in their work to smile at him , or wave , or ask was he going to the ball game ? For some reason they always thought he was going to a ball game , although his parents could never spare the money . Well , maybe they were just kidding him - who knew . And he remembered the day he mother said that he couldn 't go outside ; all the workers were making trouble because there was a strike . And he didn 't know what a strike was , but it didn 't sound too good , and his mother wouldn 't explain it all . So he sneaked out of the house to see for himself . He was walking to the place where the street was all ripped open , like a giant wound in the ground , when he heard the loud popping . Pop - pop - pop - it echoed through the neighborhood , and then pop - pop - pop again . And he heard the screaming and the yelling , and after a moment one of the workers ran down the street and past him without noticing him . His eyes were wide and wild , and he was holding his hand , and blood was spilling off his fingertips as he ran down the center of the street . And he thought that must be what a strike was - it was where somebody could get struck and hurt , and that had been why his mother hadn 't wanted him to go outside today , so that he wouldn 't get struck . But he couldn 't stay away now . He hadHe wondered that he could remember it all so clearly while his home address now seemed somehow to evade his mind . The only thing he was sure about was that there was a nine in the number - one - oh - nine or one - nineteen - or was it a seven ? Again panic surged inside him , and to make matters worse a police car cruised by slowly . He felt a stab of guilt . Why should he feel that way ? He had never in his life done anything illegal , but there it was - the dull knife - edge of guilt grinding away in his gut . He cast a dirty look after the police car , watching its driver craning his neck as he looked in the rearview mirror . " Well , what 's it all about , " he wondered . " Do I look like a purse - snatcher ? If I do , I 'm making the worse get - away in the history of crime . " When he finally reached the cross street , he had to pause at the corner . It felt as though he had run a mile . A pain flared in his side . " Yeah , " John said , but his voice sounded weak , hollow . He stared at the cop , and saw the cockiness on the guy 's face . It wasn 't the kind of cockiness you could take off and put on like a mask , but the kind that was always there , as though the guy had known from birth that he would always be right . John felt like punching the guy in the face . " So where are you ? " he insisted , and seemed to delight that John couldn 't answer . " Just get in the car , John . It 's going to be dark soon - then you would really be lost . " " Of course I will , " John snapped , already fumbling with the shoulder strap . " Never met a cop than knew how to drive worth a darn . I 'm in the death seat , you know , " he said , a bit too loudly , and finally snapped the lock on the safety belt . " Mathias , huh ? Well , I 'm gonna file a report on you , Officer Mathias , " John seethed . He sat icily for a moment , and then his expression softened . " Mathias ? " he said , now wondering . " I had a friend named Mathias . Old Jimmy Mathias - I grew up with him . You wouldn 't be any relation , would you ? " " Grandson , you say ! That 's impossible . Jimmy only had one son , " John said , trying to figure out the discrepancy . " Well , I guess the guy wasn 't a nancy boy , after all … . At least for a little while , " he added , and sounded somewhat annoyed . John was about to respond , but whatever he was going to say caught in his throat . His mouth remained slightly opened , and his lower lip quivered . " Dead ? " he whispered , as he seemed to start the grieving process over again . " Yeah , yeah , " John said as though not listening . With a hand gnarled with age and arthritis , he wiped away a tear that was forming in the corner of his eye . He couldn 't remember his wife dying , couldn 't remember her being in a hospital , couldn 't remember a funeral , but , still , something deep inside him told him that it was all true . John peered through the side window at the large frame house . The aluminum siding had once been bright white , but now appeared faded and somewhat gray . The front porch was screened in , and he could see a vague figure , like a wraith , moving around just behind the front door . " You must be mistaken , " John said . Dread started to flutter in his stomach , a strange , source less dread . " I would never buy a house like that . It looks - shabby . Why , it 's not even brick . " Just then the front door opened , and a woman stepped onto the stairs . She was wearing jeans and a light blue t - shirt . Her hair had obviously been dyed blond , and looked wild . " Kids ? " John muttered . Already he could hear their squalling over any little thing . He knew there had to be some mistake ; he couldn 't possibly live under the same roof as a couple kids - no way would he be able to tolerate that ! " No , no , " John said irritably . " I got it - it 's just stuck a little . You know , a bit tricky . But what do you expect from a city vehicle , huh ? " Mathias watched as the old man struggled out of the squad . As soon as he had shut the door behind him , the two kids rushed toward him , and , each clutching a hand , towed him forward faster than his legs wanted to allow . The old man grumbled and griped something as he was tugged toward the house , but soon he seemed to accept his fate . They guided him down the gangway that led to the white picket gate that opened on a tiny yard . The old man was looking as though fascinated up at the side of the house , at the cracked walkway , at the flowers that bordered the house . Everything must seem new to him now , Mathias figured , the good and the bad , the happy and sad . After the old man disappeared from sight , Mathias started the squad . Before he pulled away from the curb , he noticed that the woman was still standing on the front stairs . She raised her hand and gave him a weak , embarrassed wave - the way she had every other time he had returned the old man home . Every time there was an unspoken promise that this would be the last time , but it would only be the last time until the next time . Usually , by now , we would be sitting closely on the bench beneath the tree in the Burnwoods ' front yard . It was a tradition , Sarah Anne once told me , that had gone back generations . Her great - grandfather had planted the tree when he was a boy , and ever since then every couple who had sat under the tree had fallen in love and got married . I was only seventeen at the time , and knew little about traditions . As far as I could tell there were no traditions in my family , unless you counted my Uncle Jeff , who for many years , stole hubcaps and car stereos . That , as I understood it , however , wasn 't so much a tradition as what was known as " recalcitrant criminal behavior . " So I bowed to Sarah Anne 's superior knowledge of traditions . I totally believed everything she claimed , which was why it took a full month for her to cajole me to go near the gnarled old tree . It wasn 't that I didn 't like her - I liked her just fine . She was smart but not snobbish about it . She was pretty with long wavy blonde hair and green eyes and a face that could have been the inspiration for cameos . She came from a good old family , which seemed to still mean something to people . It meant little to me , though , other than her parents on a daily basis wore the same clothes my parents wore while going to a wedding or funeral . No , I liked Sarah Anne pretty much , and in the end let her talk me into sitting under that old tree . On summer nights we would sit out there and hold hands while her mother pretended she wasn 't peeking through the front window at us but a pesky raccoon that often visited the home to scavenge through the garbage , I would kiss her now and then , and she would rest her head on my shoulder . It was all very enjoyable , comforting to know that you weren 't all alone in the universe , as it sometimes seemed when you were a teenager . I don 't think it was love , really , not unless you defined love as only a strong dependency on another 's presence . Whatever it was , it was pleasant enough , and after I kissed her for the last time each night , I would walk home each night warmed by the thought that tomorrow we would be together again . But when I called on her one day , she said , " No , not tonight . " She said it simply , as though , no , she didn 't care for the Brussels sprouts somebody was trying to pass her at Sunday dinner . To make matters worse , she actually shut the door on me before I could ask why . Mayor Lockwood was addressing the people . I stood at the rear of the crowd , and soon learned that he was talking about the Russians . ( This was 1961 , when all the rich crazy people in California were having bomb shelters built in their back yards . ) As in all times of global tension , small - town people turned their attention from pork prices to exaggerated notions of their place in the world . At first I thought the mayor was just exercising his right to free speech , but in a moment I discovered there might actually be a point to what he was saying . He announced gravely that Oland would certainly be a Russian target if hostilities broke out . How could it not be ? The railroad cars that passed through Oland County weekly transported titanium west , where it was used to make ICBMs and warplanes . The crowded nodded in agreement , apparently not wondering at what the mayor claimed . They shifted anxiously from one foot to the other . Someone shouted up at the mayor , asking what we could do ? The mayor shrugged hopelessly , and you could feel panic grow in the crowd , as though Oland might actually be a prime target , one of the first cities to have its population vaporized . One man suggested that the town obtain a court injunction , but he was shouted down by several others who believed there wasn 't enough time and that the tracks east of town ought to be " disabled , " so that no kind of war materials could pass anywhere near the town . But a shop - owner complained that necessary stock and supplies wouldn 't be able to reach Oland - not by train , anyway , but only by truck and because of those damned teamsters the prices of everything would go up . The mayor suggested that the best way to save Oland from a nuclear holocaust was if the bridge by which the trained crossed the river east of town was somehow destroyed by a natural disaster . Damned the price of tomatoes - at least everyone would be alive . Many people cheered agreement , obviously not realizing it would have to be a mighty co - incidental natural disaster . I was about to resuming walking home , when I felt suddenly empty . I had no one to talk to about all this nonsense . If I went home and told my parents , they would have just run down here to support whatever the mayor proposed . Sarah Anne , with whom I discussed everything , was unavailable for some secret reason . That began to rankle me to no end . I felt that she was letting me down , really , and for nothing that I 'd done . I decided to return to her house . I would demand an explanation . I had never wanted to sit with her beneath that old tree from the start , and now that it had worked some magical on me , she was going to start playing games . When I reached the house , it appeared to be empty . All the lights were out and the family station wagon wasn 't in the driveway . I moved up the cobblestone path , past the tall old tree and toward the front door . It was a long time before she answered my knock , and while I waited I couldn 't shake the feeling that I was being avoided . I stared at nothing for a moment . It all made such little sense , like playing a cruel joke on someone just because they trust enough to let you do it . I finally turned away to leave . When I saw the tree , then , anger really flared inside me . It had all been some stupid lie , with me falling for it completely . I suddenly hated that tree and all those who had ever sat under it before Sarah Anne and me - assuming that , too , hadn 't been a lie . My anger took hold of me , then , and I rushed to the rear of the house , behind which was an old tool shed . From inside I took gasoline can that the Burnwoods ' used to fill their lawn mower . I doused the trunk of the tree and the wooden bench with gasoline . When I tossed a lighted match on the bench , there was a low fruuump sound as the blaze flared . The flames slowly rose upward and spread out onto the lower limbs . As I walked away , the fire was burning so brightly I could see Sarah Anne 's horrified face peering through the front window . I saw the tears running down her cheeks , and I felt a delicious sense of satisfaction that I had harmed her as much as she had harmed me . I started down the road and the cracking of the fire faded behind me . I had not walked far before the Burnwoods ' station wagon slowed down and pulled up next to me . The back of the wagon was filled with grocery bags , and Mrs . Burnwood pushed her face out the side window . " Oh , she didn 't tell you , did she ? Well , I 'm not surprised . She always was sensitive about these things , about what you would think . It 's silly really . When you get older you never think twice , because it 's all so natural . But when you 're young , you want everybody to think you 're perfect . " " I probably shouldn 't tell you . She would just kill me if I said a word . Well , maybe , if you promise not to say anything . " She shifted back into drive , and the station wagon headed down the road . I watched after it until it was out of sight . I stood in the middle of the road , not sure what to do . Then I heard the distant explosions , like rumbling thunder that warns of a coming storm , and I realized what had happened . I could see in my mind the fiery ruins of the bridge falling into the river , hissing , steam rising off the water . Benny had shared the cottage with them for two years now , yet he had never seen their faces . At first he believed they were all in his mind . His heart medicine did that sometimes - made him see and hear things that weren 't there . But then things in the cottage changed , and that was when he knew they were real . He called them the wee handymen , because they fixed things . He would waken in the morning to discover the broken latch on the back door had been repaired . Or the front picture window that had been cracked in a hail storm would suddenly be new . Or a loose stair leading down into the basement would be tight and freshly painted . The cottage had been in poor shape when they first arrived . Benny had lived alone for years by now ; his wife had died , and his children had long moved on and seemed to have forgotten him . He managed to care for the cottage the best he could - pretty well , if you 'd asked him - but then old age , to which he always believed himself immune , crept up on him . After that , both he and the cottage started a slow painful decline . Things fall apart , he 'd tell himself , and things wear out - in people and houses alike . Whenever he went through his photo albums - which was more often , the older he got - he would pause at pictures of the cottage when looked newly built , and he experienced the same wistful feeling he had when he saw his likenesses of himself when he was fresh out of high school . And if he 'd see a shingle lying in the yard after a heavy storm he thought repairing the roof every bit as unlikely as the doctors repairing his heart . After they had come , though , everything changed - not just with the cottage . His hope rose to see the cottage again as it once was , and started to believe there might be hope for him , too . What they were doing was sort of a miracle . He 'd never bought paint , and there was none around the house , yet the rooms had been painted one by one , drab shades green and tan replaced by bright yellows and soft , soothing blues the color of a cloudless spring afternoon . The outside of the cottage had been re - stucco - ed and painted white . The original woodwork had been stripped , stained , and varnished . New carpets had appeared one morning . So from where had all the material come ? It was not all in his mind . He had even asked the mailman to come in one day to confirm that the worn old linoleum in his front hall had been replaced by shiny Italian marble tiles . It had to be a kind of magic they worked , and if they worked it on a house , couldn 't they work it on him ? Each day , when he wakened , he 'd said good morning to them , certain that they were always near . He 'd shuffle through the cottage in his ancient slippers , searching for any new work that might have been completed during the night . If he found something - that the kitchen cabinets had been replaced , say , or that there was a new medicine cabinet in the bathroom - he praised the workmanship , saying encouraging things , like , " It 's a fine job you boys did last night . Keep up the good work . " If he couldn 't find anything - which wasn 't often - he 'd walk about the house fretting , saying , " Boys , boys , don 't tell me you left me now . A day 's work of a day 's pay , you know . You keep this up and I 'll have to lay you off . " One day Berny looked around the house and saw that no more needed to be done . That was the moment he feared the most - when they had no more to do . Would they leave him then , leave him all alone ? The thought was unbearable , he had grown so used to knowing they were around . Even if they never did show themselves or talk to him , it was comforting to know that when he spoke someone might be listening . He went to the kitchen to make himself a breakfast of scrambled eggs and dry toast . When he sat at the table he had a sudden stabbing pain in his left side . He had had them before , sure , but this was the worst . It would get no better , either ; the doctors had warned him his heart was simply wearing out - it was only a matter of time . " Boys , I 've been wishing there was something you could do for me , " he said , and then listened . He heard nothing , though , not the slightest whisper of footsteps he sometimes heard when he woke in the middle of the night . " Now , boys , I know you can do miracles . I 've seen what you 've done with this house . It hasn 't looked so good since Martha - rest her soul - and I first moved in . I 'm sure you can do something for this old heart of mine . " He waited , but there no response - not a sound . " Well , I know you can hear me . I 'll just let the matter rest with you . If you see fit to help me , fine - if not , I 'll bear no ill wishes on you . " Nothing happened after that . Each morning he awoke , he felt the same tire heart beating in his chest . He would sigh heavily , and then put on his robe and slippers and set about his daily routine . Every inch of the cottage looked beautiful and new , but that hardly seemed to matter because he was still old and dying . " You went and abandoned me , boys , haven 't you ? " he would say now , sure that he was alone . " Everybody leaves , I suppose . First the kids grow up and move away , and then Martha … Somebody always gets left behind . That 's natural - like things wearing out and falling apart . Well , I guess , I have the comfort of knowing that once I 'm gone , somebody else will get a beautiful house . Whoever it may be , I hope they have kids , kids with good memories . " About a week later , while retrieving the mail out front , he noticed that the garden had been planted with flowers and that the old plastic garden borders had been replaced by new brick ones . He was again filled with joy and hope . Of course , he thought , how could I have been so stupid . They 've finished on the house , sure , but still there is the yard . He shambled down the stairs and around the house . He hardly every went outside , except to get the mail and throw out the trash , and he was amazed at the improvements that had been made . The cracked and chipping walkways had been replaced or repaired . All the gardens had been tilled and planted , including the large vegetable garden in the back yard , where he and Martha always grew tomatoes , carrots , bell peppers , and radishes . His eyes began to well at the sight of the green breaking through the soil and the little white markers that named which vegetable was going where - just the way Martha and I used to do it , he realized . He saw , too , that the grass was cut and all the edgings done perfectly . The many trees around the house , which shades the cottage well , had all been trimmed . Everything was green and budding under the bright spring sun . " Now , what have you got going on here ? " he wondered , for he couldn 't imagine what they had in mind . They had never before built anything new - just repaired what had been there . The beams were not spaced far enough for it to be a garage , and besides , berny didn 't own a car - he gave up driving years ago . Maybe a tool shed , but that didn 't make any sense either , since he had to tools to store . " Well , whatever it is , " he said , " you just go on building . You 've done a damned fine job of sinking the posts . " And he headed back to the cottage to make breakfast . That night he slept fitfully . At two in the morning he rose to go to the bathroom for the third time , wondering whether his kidneys were starting to go out now . He stopped in the kitchen and paused to look out the window at the dark back yard . He was still puzzling over what they were building out there , and finally he could not resist his curiosity . He went through the back door , and out into the night . The air outside was chilly , and the sky was clear and a - shimmer with stars . The full moon cast an eerie light on everything . As he near the old oak tree , he could see more work had been done . The four posts now held up a rectangular platform that was about eight feet by six feet . What the heck is that supposed to be ? he wondered . Maybe a deck ? - a deck for me to sit on under the shade of the tree ? It seem plausible , although it would be an awfully strange place to build a deck . Certainly a deck seemed more appropriate built onto the back of the house , with a new sliding glass door opening onto the kitchen . " Well , I suppose you have something in mind , " he murmured as he walked away . " I do hope you 're still considering my request , " he added in a grumble . " One day I 'll not be waking up to find all the fine work you 're doing . " He stopped briefly to see if there would be some response , but there was none , and he went back to bed . The following morning , he discovered that stairs had been added to the construction . Although he delighted in the craftsmanship of the wooden steps , he was no more enlightened as to what the little fellows were erecting . In ways it did indeed look like a deck , but it was entirely in the wrong place , and also a bit too high . When he climbed onto the deck , he found that one of the thick limbs of the tree was situated directly overhead ; if he were to sit on a lawn chair on the deck , he would surely hit his head on the limb every time he stood . " Nonsense , " she snarled in frustration . " You boys are disappointing me now . You give me a new heart and I 'll show you how to build a deck . Why , look here , it 's why too high , and besides that , it looks like you pieced in the deck itself . Why would you do a thing like that ? They should all be long solid boards , the same as you used on the back porch . You just make me young again , and I 'll show you how it 's done , " he swore , and waited for a reply that never came . That night he rolled back and forth in bed as he slept , until finally he went to far and fell to the floor , hitting his head on the nightstand leg . He used the edge of the bed to push himself up to his feet , swearing in the darkness . He felt the wetness on his forehead , and knew he was bleeding , and so he swore some more . He swore at being old , at losing his wife , at children who never visited or even called . He swore at being alone . He swore about many things , but mostly he swore at the wee handymen , who , he was convinced , could fix his heart but instead were building some silly thing in the yard . When he flipped the light switched , he discovered the power was out - and that caused a new spate of curses . He felt his way into the living room , and tripped over something in the dark . He started to fall , his body tensing as he anticipate hitting the floor hard . But then something caught him . It was , in fact , a bunch of somethings : hands , little hands , grabbed him and pushed him back up to his feet . They are real , raced through his mind , as the tiny hands helped him stand . " Thank you , boys , " he said , when he was again balanced . " I might have hurt myself there - maybe pretty bad . " He turned about to see if he could catch a glimpse of them , but it was too dark . But the hands pushed so hard he went crashing through the back door . He was free for a moment , just long enough to trip and tumble down the back stairs and out onto the newly laid patio . The wind was knocked out of him and he could barely breathe . " What are you doing ? " he asked weakly , when he could finally speak at all . He struggled to his feet , and stood there wobbly waiting for an answer that never came . " I don 't get you now . You fix my house for me - fix it like new - and now this … . What ? - do you mean to kick me out and kept the place for yourselves ? Was that the plan from the start ? Well , you can 't do that ; I own this house . " He waited for an answer , but there was only the sounds of crickets . " Or did I ask too much of you ? " he considered . " Was that it ? " he asked . " It was too much to expect you to fix my heart ? Is it a crime for the dying to wish to live ? " As if in answer , he felt the little hands on him again , grabbing , pushing , stronger than he could imagine . They pushed him toward the back of the yard , and soon his feet were off the ground , and he was being carried as he wailed in protest . All he could see was the black sky filled with stars , and then , as they approached the old oak tree , he saw against the full moon , the shadow of a noose hanging from the limb that hung over what he 'd thought was a deck . She was always jumping into something or other . First , when she was younger , it was ballet . Then it was martial arts . Then rock collecting … . No sooner did she get involved in some interest or hobby than she grew bored and jumped to something new . I often suspected she had the attention span of a fruit fly . " Yeah , I did , " she insisted . " It was just too important . It was critical . If you were about to step on a land mine and blow yourself into bloody little bits , I 'd have to warn you . I mean , I could never just sit there and say nothing . " " No , no , you can 't , " she said , getting all pushy now . " They put MGA in so it tastes better . My point is , you really don 't know what it tastes like , and the MGA is really bad for you . " She rolled her eyes , as though she were the one talking to a moron and not the other way around . " Not now . But if you keep eating stuff with MGA in it - you know , in the long run - well , it 's just not good for you . " " I don 't know . That 's the scariest part ; nobody knows for sure what could happen . Maybe your uterus will drop out one day . Who knows ? " I looked around the lunchroom . Everybody was too busy eating or talking or playing with their cubes of green jello to notice Coralee . Really that was one of the good things about her : she was easily over - looked . She could probably strip naked and run up and down the lunch line and hardly anybody would realize what was happening . " Look , " she said , and dug out a pill . " This is B - complex . It 's good for infections and your skin . " She set it on the tabletop and dug out another pill . " Vitamin C - good for colds … Vitamin D - good for bones … . " " You got anything that 's good for insanity , because I think you need to pop a few of those . What that one there ? " I asked , fascinated because one of the pills was incredibly large . " That humongous white , " I said , pointing at it . " Well , not yet , but they will , " she said . " I 'm still waiting for the accumulative effect . You wanna try some ? " she asked eagerly , again digging to the bottom of her purse . " That 's not the point , " I said . The point was that I never involved myself in any of Coralee 's interests , not after the last time . She 'd been all enthused about hiking , and talked me into going with her once . It had seemed safe enough , but I ended up stepping in a gopher hole and breaking my ankle . Of course , it wasn 't really her fault , but I 'd always taken the experience as a warning . " I just hate taking pills , " I lied , hoping she would accept the lame excuse . Before I could get her to take them back , she grabbed her lunch tray , muttered something about having to go somewhere before her next class , and left me sitting there , with a small extremely suspicious little baggie in front of me . I was forced to put it in my pocket before anybody noticed and I had to explain everything about how they were just vitamins , vitamins I had never wanted , and how my cousin Coralee was an incredible airhead who , for the most part , was harmless . I doubted that I could make it all sound very convincing . I took the pills after I got home that day . I 'd completely forget I had them in the pocket of my jeans , when I pulled them out , I almost threw them out . But I was afraid my parents might discover them , and end of thinking that one of their kids was a turning into a pill - popping degenerate . Also , I was somewhat curious . Would these things actually make me feel better ? And how ? I really didn 't think I needed them . I didn 't think there was anything wrong with the way I felt normally . Still I wondered . I peered through the glass of the counter to see what was being served today . We always had the choice of three entrees . The first large stainless steel tub in the steam table contained some kind of creamy chicken casserole dish that look a lot like vomit . The next tub … a creamy beef dish that looked like vomit . The third tub … charred pieces of some type of meat that actually made the stuff in the first two tubs look good . But in the end she couldn 't . " It 's not a bad thing , you know . Did you really wanna eat any of that - stuff ? " " Well , " she said , and leaned forward as though about to tell me some dark secret . " The school district gives a contract to a company to provide all the meals . It 's all business . The district doesn 't have actual control over what goes into the food - the company does . " " It 's all common sense , " she said . " It 's all about money and cutting cost . Of course the food is going to be bad ; the contract went to the lowest bidder . " " Believe me , " she went on . " You 're better off with a salad . There 's no reason to put anything in salads , because nobody 's expecting anybody to like them anyway . " " ' Slim ' doesn 't run on my side of the family , if you haven 't noticed , " I said stiffly . Every one in my immediate family was not slender . My older brother was stocky , my younger two sisters with chubby , and my parents were - well , I had to admit they were downright fat . I always liked to think of myself as a little chucky , not horribly so , just an little extra weight that really didn 't matter ; after all , guys still looked at me in an interested kind of way - well , some guys , anyway . She made a circle with her thumb and finger . " That much - zero , nada . They don 't even teach it in medical school . And , by the way , when a doctor says anything is because of genetics , that means he doesn 't know the real reason . " " Really , " she promised . " Doctors aren 't as smart as they lead everybody to believe . If they were , nobody would ever get sick . Why do you think they call it a ' medical practice . ' ? Doctors practice medicine . They never perform medicine . " " And you 're what ? - five foot three ? " She shook her head . " Too much . And you have to fix that now . If you wait , it 'll just get worse . One day you 'll have to butter your hips to fit through doorways . " That was a horrifying thought , and in that instant , before I even realized it , I committed myself to one of Coralee 's interests . I promised myself that I would eat better , that I would exercise , and that I would drink more water . It would all be so simple , and how could it ever be a bad thing ? " I don 't that I have much time , " I said . " Today I fell asleep during an English test , and last week I nearly got run down by a truck while I was jogging . You know , it was a lt safer when I didn 't care what I weighed . ' But it turned out to be good advice . As soon as I started stuffing my face with vegetables , my weight started to ease down . I had discovered I actually weighed 142 pounds - much higher than I had believed - but within a month I was down to 125 . Everything from my waist down slimmed out so much I needed new jeans . And I did feel better , which was the main reason I 'd started to watch my diet . Of course , my parents were a bit mystified . They weren 't used to some one in our house losing weight . But they figured that my new , healthy life - style agreed with me , and that it was for the better . " Didn 't work for me , " she said , chewing her food . " I 'm naturally skinny , anyway . But you - wow ! Guys are actually looking at you . " " No , really , girl . Just keep up whatever you 're doing - seriously . By spring , you 're gonna be smoking . You should get on of those teeny bikinis and started going to the tanning salon . You 're gonna have guys drooling over you . " " You 're sick , you know that , " she said . " I send you on the path to gain these new powers , and you 're gonna waste them on sports ? You don 't even care about the guys and whether your favorite cousin picks up your leftovers ? That 's gratitude for you , " she said , and stood and grabbed her tray . Before she left , she said , " You know , I don 't even know you . " I couldn 't believe that she was getting all snarky on me . She was actually mad at me . What was with that ? It was bizarre . She never got mad at me . Well , let her be mad , then , I figured . It didn 't make any sense , anyway ; she 'd been the one who encouraged me . What did she have to be mad about ? Coralee avoided me like the plague . At first , it didn 't seem like a terrible thing , but after a while it didn 't seem natural for her not to be around , jabbering on and on about this or that . I missed her babbling . She could be annoying , sure , but annoying in a comforting way . Now I sit alone in the lunchroom every day , left to realized how few friends I had always had . Guys who had never before noticed me now began to drift in my direction , sitting at the opposite end of the lunch table . Lose a few pounds and all of a sudden you are visible to people who had never really seen you . How incredibly shallow . Inside I was exactly the same person I had always been , but it seemed people , especially guys , were interested in outsides . I just ignored them and their hedging attempts to talk to me . They probably thought I was stuck - up , but I didn 't care what they thought . Oddly they more I ignored them , the more the tried to talk to me , which annoyed me in a much more annoying way than Coralee had ever been , and that made me miss her even more . By Christmas vacation , I was down to 109 pounds . The clothes I had worn were all now baggy . My waist was so slim I could see the abdominal muscles I never knew I had . My wrists and ankles seemed too bony , and veins looked like tiny blue worms under the skin of my hands and feet . To me it was pretty gross , but everybody seemed to like the way I looked now - as though before there had been something wrong with me , and nobody had had the heart to mention it . On Christmas Eve , my aunt and uncle visited my house , as they always did . For them it was a short walk down the street . They brought gifts , but they also brought Coralee . I had no doubt she had made a fuss about even being in the same house with me . It appeared as though she would rather be anywhere else on earth , maybe even in the simmering cone of some active volcano . After all the food was eaten and the gifts opened , I found myself sitting alone in the living room . The Christmas tree was lit up , with some strings of lights pulsing . The television was showing some sappy old Christmas movie , but thankfully somebody had turned off the sound . She flopped down at the opposite end of the sofa . She didn 't say anything . She just sat there , pretending to be interested in the movie , which she couldn 't even hear . And we ended up almost getting into an argument over who had been mad at whom . We stopped and looked at each other , and then broke out laughing . It was so ridiculous . " Ideal weight ? Listen to you , " she said , and sighed . " I shouldn 't have pushed you into all of it . I think I ruined you somehow . Ideal weight . You wouldn 't have ever said anything like that before . " She seemed satisfied , but still wouldn 't explain why she had got all snarky on me to begin with . " You should just eat regular now , the way you did before , you know ? Even if you gain back a couple pounds . " Some things take on a life of their own . Sometimes that 's good . Sometimes it 's bad . Whatever the case , you have no control over what is happening , and that can get pretty scary . By the time I returned to school , I had been on my old diet for over a week . It didn 't seem , though , that I was gaining back any weight . At first I thought this was a good thing , but then one day , after gym , I weighed myself on the scale in the locker room . I was astonished to discover I 'd lost another two pounds ! How was that even possible ? I 'd eaten like this before and never lost an ounce . But she just shook her head . " No way . Everything will go back to normal . Just keep eating like that , " she said , nodding at my lunch tray ; I had two chili dogs , French fries , a piece of chocolate cake , and a non - diet soda . " I already did that . I was up to three miles a day . Now I 'm down to one . I don 't want to stop completely , because I sort of like it . " " Like running ? You 're sick , you know that , " she said . " Well , I wouldn 't worry about it . It 's just gonna take some time to get back to nor - " she stopped , as though struck by a troubling thought . " All the food you 're eating - it is staying down , right ? " " Well , not me . It 's doing it all on its own . My stomach 's just a little messed up - it 's getting better . " My cheeks seemed a bit to hollow , and on some days I woke with dark circles under my eyes . Worse than how I looked , I started to feel bad . I felt drained all the time , and so I had to give up running . The last few lost pounds changed a lot of things . Guys who had been hovering around , looking for an opening to talk to me , slowly shied away . Everybody gave me odd looks now . At home my parents grew fretful . I probably didn 't even look like their child , but rather some kid they had had pity on and adopted . They insisted I see a doctor , but after he examined me and reviewed my blood tests , he claimed that I was in excellent condition . Which was hard for me to believe . I didn 't feel in excellent condition ; most of the time I felt like a wrung - out wash rag . I couldn 't stop thinking about how Coralee said doctors only practice medicine . Coralee stopped talking about my weight or vitamins or anything like that . I wasn 't sure whether that was because she felt guilty or because her interest was already waning , giving way to another interest . She was talking an awful lot about needlepoint . " Just turn it off - turn it off , " I said . I had my eyes half - covered with my hand ; I couldn 't bare to look at the screen . I certainly didn 't want to know how the movie ends . When Coralee spoke again , she asked if I wanted to turn on the stereo . I could tell that she felt pretty bad about the movie . You knew ? Maybe it was an honest mistake . Maybe out there somewhere somebody would name their dog Thinner . " No , " I said about the stereo . I didn 't run the risk of hearing some song about bulimia . That just would have been too much . Our basement was always chilly during the winter , but I still felt warm . I was wearing just an old tee shirt and a pair of cut - off jeans . My legs looked like sticks , and my knees look like large knobs in the branch of an old tree . Beneath my skin you could see the roadmap of blue veins that ran everywhere . I wanted to make her feel better . None of it was her fault ; there was no way she could have known what kind of reaction I 'd have to a simple change of eating habits . Suddenly me stomach started to churn and make a gurgly sound , and I knew what was about to happen - something I noticed a couple weeks before , something that I thought would cheer her up . " Watch this . " I lifted my shirt so that she could see my stomach . She winced , and I told her , " No , just keep watching . " And then it happened . " No , it 's not funny . Nothing about it is funny , " she cried . She jumped to her feet and began pacing the way she always did whenever she was upset . " I should have kept my big mouth shut . I can 't believe I did this to you - " I tried to stop her , but couldn 't . Everything must have built up inside her over the weeks , and now she just had to get it all out . Finally she flopped down to the floor like a rag doll , and sat their softly crying and sniffling . " There , you did it again . I swear , " she said , and balled her hand into a fist , " if you say it again , I 'll punch you right in the head . " And she looked about ready to do it , too . " Dying ? " That was ridiculous . Of course , I wasn 't dying . " Coralee , I 'm not dying . What would put that in your head ? " " No , I 'm not , " I said , astounded that she would accuse me of such a thing . " I told you before - it 's just that my stomach bothers me sometimes - that 's all . Trust me . I 'm not doing that , and I 'm not dying . " " I 've been watching it really close . It took a lot longer to lose the last couple pounds . My stomach is feeling better . It 's about to stop . " By summer I was back to 111 pounds , and it seemed as though that was where my weight would settle . I resumed running , which , even today , I still enjoy . It makes me feel good . Of course , there is always that little letdown after I run , but that only makes me look forward to the next day , when I can run again . I am up to six miles a day , and I am sure that in the fall I will have no trouble making the cross - country team . Coralee went through three or four more hobbies . Sometimes , I lose track . By summer she was into archery . She tried to get me interested , too , but I begged off ; I couldn 't shake off the image of an arrow zipping straight for my forehead as she tried to shoot an apple off my head . This even caused a couple nightmares . Her family moved away at the beginning of summer . In the fall she will be attending a different school . As annoying as she can be , I will still miss her . If nothing else , she has always been well - meaning . And she really does care , in her own demented sort of way . Sometimes I still laugh to myself at how she actually believed I was sticking my finger down my throat to make myself vomit . I mean … as if … . I still wonder where she got the idea ; even I couldn 't picture myself doing something like that . Oh , sure , there were a couple times I did do it . But it was never a habit . My stomach was bothering me and I was going to throw up anyway . I figured I 'd just save the time , and get it over with . Also , I felt a little stupid standing and leaning over the toilet , and waiting . So what not ? All that is behind me now , anyway . My weight is fine . My stomach is fine . I 'm running six miles a day , and by the fall , I will be up to seven or eight , or maybe even ten . Who knows ? All I know is that everything is fine and it 's going to stay that way - really . Now that spring finally arrived , all Carl wanted to do was plant his vegetable garden . But there would be no garden this year . His wife , Anna , was dying - again , for the third time in the last month . He could hardly go outside and turn over soil and plant his tomatoes and bell peppers while she languished in bed , moaning and clutching her chest with a pudgy hand It was all his fault . He rued the day he 'd convinced her to see a doctor . It had seemed like a good idea at the time ; she hadn 't had a check - up in years , and though she appeared strong as a bull , you could never be too careful . And now - now she was a raving hypochondriac . Carl blamed it on the doctor , too , a mere child just starting his practice , who clued Anna in on all the bad things that might happen at her age . So now she could no longer have a headache without believing it was a stroke . A slight case of heartburn turned into a heart attack - a massive heart attack , never a mild one . Any of the random aches and pains that she experience became the onset of cancer . He 'd try to assure her , but didn 't possess a nurturing nature . " You can 't go on about every little pain , " he 'd said . " If God is going to get you , the chances are you won 't feel a thing . " He just could never find the right words . Not only was what he said of no avail , but also it often served to make things worse . Almost every night she 'd waken him because she didn 't believe her heart sounded right . Long after she 'd finally fallen asleep , he stayed awake and watched over her and yearned for the days when she was young , before her curly hair had gone white and her body thickened with age . She had been quite lovely , with high cheekbones and sparkling blue eyes free of pain and petty worries . She had been a simple soul then , after moving here from Germany . He recalled a time when she worked a factory and came home in tears . Some of her co - workers had waved to her and called out " hi . " Anna thought they said " hiel " as if she were a Nazi . She would not stop crying until Carl finally calmed her down long enough to explain it to her . Carl could look back now and smile at her naïveté . During the day , he brought her chicken broth , or hot or cold compresses , or over the counter medicine , depending on the ailment of the day . Sometimes when he looked at her , she didn 't even seem like his wife , the woman he married over fifty years ago . She had become a moaning ghost that had not yet died . He felt that he , too , was becoming a ghost , he hardly ever left the house ; he was afraid to leave her alone . What if one of her little aches and pains were a genuine warning sign and he was not there when she suffered some catastrophic event ? Now and then he had weak moments during which frustration and anger rose in him and he wished that she would just die and get it over with , but then he would calm himself , would remind himself that she couldn 't help it - that it was just one of those things that are covered in the " for better or for worse " part of the marriage vows . " I set out the patio furniture , " he said . " It 's such a nice day . You want to sit outside awhile ? It might do you some good ? " But Anna was claiming symptoms . Today it was her back , a sharp recurring pain that might forewarn a heart attack . " Is it summer yet ? " she asked . " Is Kathleen here ? I would like to see her one last time . " Kathleen was their granddaughter . For the past six years she would spend most of her summer vacation with Carl and Anna . Although Carl enjoyed his granddaughter 's presence , he believed it was a trade off of sorts . His son , Richard , hardly ever visited anymore . It was as though he were too busy , and so sent his daughter each summer to stand in for him . Meanwhile Richard and his wife , Holly , whom Carl never liked ( no matter how hard Richard worked , how much money he made , she would be right there to spend it ) - they could do whatever they wanted without Richard being guilty about ignoring his parents and without the encumbrance of their daughter . Carl tried to convince himself that he was being too cynical by thinking this , but whenever Kathleen visited , he couldn 't dispel the image of Richard and Holly standing on the deck of a boat sailing the Caribbean and sipping glasses of champagne - two lost souls sharing the same middle - life crisis . The only escape Carl had now was , as Anna napped peacefully during the afternoon , going down to his workroom in the basement and working on a birdhouse . He was constructing it especially for Purple Martins , with four large pods for nesting . He had failed to entice the martins to their yard twenty years earlier , when he bought a birdhouse and followed all the instructions on how to lure them . He 'd sit on the glider on the patio for hours on weekends and on his off - days , a small pair of binoculars at ready for the first sighting . But they never came . He couldn 't understand it . He went over the instructions again and again , and , yes , everything was right . So where were the martins ? Finally , frustrated , he decided something must have happened to the martins destined to nest in his birdhouse ; maybe they perished in a storm as they migrated up from South American . In the end , the only regular visitors he had were a pair of mourning doves , a jolly couple that dropped in daily to coo and strut around the yard until Carl would grudgingly throw out thistle seed for them . He would call them turkeys , to which Anna would object , saying , " Oh , they 're nice birds . And see how they are always together . You never see one without the other . " " But I almost stepped on one of them , " Carl complained . " They waddle round the yard like they own the place . " " They just feel safe , " Anna said . " They feel at home . " Throughout that summer they saw the mourning doves every day , and , somewhat to Carl 's annoyance , Anna named them Ballard and Jorn . Carl told her that it sounded more like a law firm than a pair of mourning doves , but she ignored him and assumed the responsibility of putting thistle seed out each day . Toward the end of summer Carl found Anna sitting on the glider on the patio . She was crying hysterically . When he finally calmed her down enough to she could speak , she explained that Ballard was missing . " Something must have happened to her , " Anna said . " And Jorn just sits on the garage roof , calling for her . It 's so sad , so terribly sad ; he doesn 't know she 's never coming back . He 'll die of a broken heart . " Carl agreed that it was a sad world for birds , a sadder world yet for people . When Jorn evidentially disappeared , he made Anna promise that she would never again name a wild animal - it just wasn 't worth getting attached to creatures that are doomed from the outset . Carl was annoyed that his son had sent her over in a cab . What ? - he couldn 't make the short ride into the city to drop her off , couldn 't even tolerate stopping in for a few minutes to say hello . He never tried to figure out what Anna and he might have done while raising Richard to have led him to now be so disregardful of his parents . He simply stood at the window , pursing his lips and wagging his head in disgust . His attention finally turned to Kathleen as she stood out by the curb and paid the driver . She seemed different somehow . She was seventeen now and would soon be off to college , but she 'd changed in some way during the last ten months , since he 'd see her last . Maybe it was in the way she was carrying herself ; she seemed to move with more grace , seemed to have acquired a measure of poise . She 'd had always been a pretty girl , with blue eyes and long natural blond hair for which other girls would kill , but before she 'd always been awkward , as if apologetic for her appearance . She had always stood or sat with her chin slightly lowered , her shoulders sagged forward abjectly . He opened the front door for her , and watched as she climbed the stairs , a large black suitcase in each hand weighing her down . His bad back prevented him from running down the stairs to help her with the cases . He met her on the landing , though , to relieve her of the luggage . She hugged him around the neck , joyously chiming out , " Gramps , " in a genuine way . That was what he 'd always loved most about her : how she 'd always naturally , purely conveyed her feelings ; there was nothing fake or forced about her - all was sincerity and sweetness , and she had been like that even when a small child ; it was difficult at times for Carl to believe Kathleen was actually Richard 's daughter - Richard so gloomy , his feelings lost in shadows . From the landing , Carl paused to make a show of peering up and down the street , and then asked , " What ? No boy friend ? " This had been an old quip , carried over every year since the first year Kathleen had spent the summer , when she was eleven . When Kathleen asked about Anna , Carl explained that she was sleeping . " She sleeps a lot lately , " he said . " Maybe that 's a blessing . " " No , it starts out sad . It gets worse later . " He was going to elaborate , to prepare her for the changes in Anna , but decided not to try . There was no way Kathleen wasn 't going to be shocked ; she hadn 't see Anna in nearly a year , and so hadn 't lived through and seen , as Carl had , the day by day , disintegration - to Kathleen it would seem one huge horrendous transformation . " That 's the most important thing . No matter what school or what jobs or how much money a person has - as long as people have a good heart , everything else pretty much works itself out . " It was a statement of sage advice , the kind of thing he believed was expected of him . " No , " Kathleen said . " But even while she 's sleeping , I can see the change . It 's very sad , and sort of scary . How could this have happened ? " " Well , we 'll see then . We will get her back on her feet , " she said . " I 'm sure . You 'll see . " For the next two weeks Kathleen brought prepared and brought up all Anna 's meals . The girl would have made a wonderful nurse one day , Carl thought , if she so choose that profession . He watched as Kathleen sat at the edge of the bed , and dutifully spooned soup or broth into Anna 's tremulous mouth , all the while speaking to her of how nice the weather was outside , how bright the sunshine , how gentle the warm breeze , and how the trees stirred in it and seemed to be whispering . In the evening , while Carl watched a ball game on television in the living room , Kathleen would sit at Anna bedside upstairs . She would read to the old woman . Anna , during her life had no favorite books or stories , but she seemed to enjoy hearing Kathleen read her Grimm 's fairy tales and some short stories by Jack London or Willa Cather . Though Carl enjoyed Kathleen 's presence in the house , which gave him more free time to work on his birdhouses , he began to notice something . He thought at first that it was his imagination . Being around Kathleen seemed to sap his energy is some way . He 'd always believed that if you were old being around young people kept you young . It was a common belief . But he was unsure now . Every time he saw her young face , every time heard her speak of her naïve hopes , he legs weakened and his back began to ache as it usually did in winter , not now in the dead of summer . Though he tried to convince himself that all this was just a product of his rambling old mind , it seemed very real to him . One day , coming up from his work room , he was frantic to find no one in the house . He rushed out the front door , and mouth agape gazed up and down the street , but neither Kathleen nor Anna was in sight . He went back in the house , to the kitchen , and through the window saw them sitting on the glider in the back yard . Amazingly Anna was smiling and laughing and talking to Kathleen to the same way she had to him over the years . It was a miracle , he thought . It could be nothing but a miracle . Whether the purple martins came now was of little importance to him . His heart was warm , looking at Anna , so sure was he that she was returning to health and that they could continue on as they always had over the years . 3 He would try to console Kathleen over the next weeks . The girl was so devastated . Her young hopeful spirit had been shattered . It seemed a shame that she had to learn the hard fact of life that though hope was always good it couldn 't cure everything . It was one of those things that once learned can never be unlearned , and from then on must be tolerated in our memories . He knew Kathleen would never be quite the same , and it saddened him that even that would change . In the church and at the cemetery he seemed absorbed as he looked at all their friends and family and wondered that there were so few left . The ones who were looked decidedly older than he had remembered them . The funeral director even had difficulty recruiting six pall bearers from among the guests ; not enough of them were able - bodied enough to serve in the capacity - old men with canes , stooped backs , crippled joints , having fought years of disease , tragedy and gravity , all in a slowly losing battle . In the end the funeral director was forced to go to next to the tavern and recruit two young healthy men , compassionate but utter strangers , to carry Anna to her finally resting place . For the following week silence filled the house , except for the loud ticking of the cuckoo clock in the hallway between the living room and kitchen . Kathleen scarcely left the guest room . Carl waited in the yard for the purple martins to arrive . He sat in the glider and waited and waited , just as he had years ago , but so far had spotted not a one . The metal of the glider feel cold wherever it touched his skin . Sometimes he looked at the blue sky , at the white fluffy clouds slowly moving past . Some of the clouds broke up and seemed to vanish before they ever got anywhere . They decided to go for a walk . As the strolled along Kathleen reached across and took his hand . He was amazed how soft and fragile it felt in his own hand , which was large and thick from years of manual work . She seemed , then , to start smiling again . First a tiny shy smile , and soon a toothy charming smile as she spoke of what classes she planned to take when she returned to school in the fall . He listened intently , hardly bothered by the pain that racked his knees each step he took on the sidewalk . His back ached him , too , and now there was a new feeling , a jabbing sensation in the side of his ribs , but none of it matter . He was so pleased to see she was healing . When Kathleen asked what he was looking for , he told her he though he heard a purple martin . Maybe they were finally heading home . It hardly seemed to matter any more . They came upon the corner store , and decided to go in to buy ice cream cones . As they entered the store , he didn 't let go of her hand . He never noticed the solitary mourning dove they passed , pecking the sidewalk for food in the shade cast by the awning over the front window of the store , nor the tender coo it made as they entered . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
It 's a pity I don 't have the time or money to go into currency trading . Sometimes I think I would be better off as a stock broker , trading commodities , buying and selling peoples ' futures without much regard as to the possible consequenses of my actions . It 's all about profits for shareholders , and the rest will sort itself out eventually . No , instead I 'm taking arts . What can I say ? I 'm a bleeding heart . The money is a flurry of green and black as she counts it out . I have no idea what she is saying ; all the bills look the same to me . I have often wondered why the wealthiest and most powerful country in the world right now insists on making all denominations of its currency look as identical as possible . Someone once told me that I should pay more attention to the different presidents . Like I 'm going to notice that there 's a difference between Washington and Hamilton when I 'm trying to pay for something , until someone hands me back more bills than I was expecting to recieve . I 'm always pleasantly surprised when that happens . Most of the time they could have just kept the difference and I wouldn 't have noticed . And now come the questions : " Can I interest you in the somethingorother visa card ? " " Not today , thank you . " The interest rate is criminal . " Are you aware that you can get a better return with a term deposit , instead of keeping a large balance in your savings account ? " " Are you aware that I 'm cleaning out my account next week to pay for tuition and I can 't get a term deposit for terms of less than a month ? " " You could pay for school with a visa . " " Why ? I already pay online through my bank account . " " Yes , but you need a credit card . " " No . Schools don 't take credit cards . I set it up like an online bill payment , just like I would pay for gas or hydro . " " But my kids always use my visa to pay for school . " " I suggest you check your bill when it comes in . " The beauty of American money is that regardless of how much you actually have , you always look like you have a lot . I reflect on this as I shove the wad of bills into my waPosted by [ sometimes I can tell who 's out on the water by looking at the shoes left on the dock . sometimes I can 't . ] Sure , it 's the end of August but it feels like May to me . I always feel so burned out in May . I 'm so tired , and yet I can 't sleep at night . It 's weird . I keep looking forward to school as a holiday from work . A number of people have visited my blog recently , searching for " pistachio pudding " . I can only assume that they are looking for the infamous pistachio pudding video . Instead , they are confronted with a post about how getting lost in a grocery store reminded me of my strange obsession with pistachio pudding because I used to think that it was made out of ground up turtles . My apologies for the confusion that I may have caused , even though when I type ' pistachio pudding ' it is the film and not this blog that comes up first . Whatever . The fact is that I really should have placed a link to the movie in the post , so that people wouldn 't have to spend more time than what was absolutely necessary on my gay blog . So , here it is . Happy now ? I had nothing to do at work , so I just sat there for three hours , doing nothing . The alarm system kept beeping , and I couldn 't figure out why . It has never done that before . It was driving me insane , especially since I was sitting alone , in a room , with nothing to do but listen to the thing beep once every thirty to fifty seconds . We began to have a conversation : " Beep . . . . Beep . . . . " " Jesus Christ , it 's not going to beep again is it ? " " Beep . . . . Beep . . . . Beep . . . . " ( a period of silence that lasts about 5 minutes ) " Thank God . " " Beep . " " If I ignore it , it will go away . It will go away , right ? " " Beep . " " Let me guess , you 're going to beep again . " " Beep . " " Smartass . " " Beep . " " Okay , I 'm getting tired of this . " " Beep . " " It 's not funny anymore . " " Beep . " " What is wrong with you ? " " Beep . " " Can 't you just shut up ? " " Beep . " " Shut up you bastard ! " ( silence ) " Ha ! " " Beep . . . " The sad thing is that I actually got paid to sit there and scream at the alarm system . What is wrong with the world ? The phone rang twice and I didn 't answer it in spite of the fact that I wasn 't really doing anything . I felt kind of bad about that , until I learned that it was my mother checking up on me . At least it was her and not something really important . I feel really irresponsible today . I was ready to crash at 4 : 30 in the afternoon , even though I slept in until 8 : 00 , later than I usually do on Sundays . I 'm kind of glad that summer 's almost over . I took a long walk through my old neighbourhood the other day , and apart from the obvious things , it hasn 't changed much . Regardless , it just doesn 't feel like it 's mine anymore . It 's like I 've been away for too long for anything there to remember me , even though it 's only been 8 months . I 've changed too much to belong there again , and yet I can 't wait to move back there in a month . I 've been looking forward to going back since before I left . I can 't explain it . I ran into the circles man on the street , and he had me explain the book that I was carrying . Yes , it was for school , and yes , I 'm studying very hard . It was a custom courseware ( read : overpriced book of photocopies that have no resale value whatsoever ) about advertising as social communication . Very interesting stuff . He made a face and then smiled . " You 've got to stop going to school , " he said , clapping me on the back , " cause you 're getting so smart that you won 't want to talk to me anymore . " His accent seems to wander all over Eastern Europe and after years of trying I still can 't place it . He never talks about his past . He shuffled away as I stood there , waiting for the light to change . Halfway down the block he stopped , turned around in a tight circle and then continued on his way . I haven 't determined if it is just something he does , or mental illness . I don 't ask . Some people wonder why I like winter . One possible answer presents itself as a man with a compulsive twitch decides to help me off the bus . " There you go , miss , " he says politely , guiding my hand unnecessarily toward the door . He seems like a perfectly nice , normal guy , but the needle tracks dotting his arms and legs beg to differ . If it was winter he would have been wearing long sleeves and long pants , and I would have been none the wiser . He had sat across from me for the whole trip . I paused once in a while from my book ( which ironically enough was Trainspotting by Irvine Welsh ) to watch him twitch and fidget before falling into a nervous sleep . He woke up only once , when he fell over onto the man sitting beside him . A little boy standing in the aisle asked him if the sores all over his arms and legs were chicken pox . Some adults on the bus exchanged knowing glances . The junkie didn 't answer . It 's better that way . The saddest thing about drug users is that I 'm sure the majority of them are good people , but you can 't exactly trust them . Drugs tend to turn people that you know and love into lying , cheating bastards , even if they don 't want to be . It occured to me that we as a society wouldn 't have problems with substance abuse if we didn 't have brains . There are some people I know that would probably benefit from labotomies , but I don 't suppose that will be possible in the near future . I saw Devon on the previous bus that I had taken . " Why don 't you sit down ? " he said , referring to the last available courtesy seat at the front of the bus . " I don 't like to sit at the front of the bus , " I said , " Just about the time that I sit down , I fall asleep or zone out and I don 't notice that someone needs the seat . Then I look like an asshole for not offering it to them . " " No one needs it right now , " he replied , and I was forced to agree . I sat down . After he had left the bus I cracked open my book again , and within two stops I had a lady with a walker tapping my knee asking me to move . Once again I am an insensitive asshole . NexPosted by " You are professional student , " he said with admiration , sitting down beside me at the bus stop and gesturing toward the textbook I was reading . " And why is that , uncle ? " I asked . I went out on a limb calling him that , but he seemed dually impressed that I had afforded him the respect . He stopped to think for a while . The lights changed at the intersection , causing the traffic to back up and a couple of guys in a souped up Honda stopped right in front of us . Their music pulsed through the ground to where we were sitting and he turned to me with a knowing smile . " They are bad students , " he said , " but you are professional student and you come out success . " We talked for a while , and I helped him with his English while I tried hard to ignore the fact that his four front teeth were veneered in a white that was substantially brighter than the rest of his teeth . It was kind of like a game : he gave me some jumbled up words and I put them in the correct order , and conjugated everything properly . Then his bus arrived and I went back to my text . This summer I have spent an average of 24 hours on the bus each week . That is 14 days of wasted time . I try not to think about it any more . I tried out my new upass yesterday and discovered that the fare machines won 't accept them yet and I had to pay the regular adult fare . Bastards . Regardless , it is burning a hole in my pocket , and I can 't wait to use and abuse my newfound freedom , all $ 98 of it . If only I didn 't have to work . . . The kitchen is never as clean as it should be . Stepping in from the livingroom , there are things piled all over the dinner table : bills , bank statements , notices and homework from school . All attempts at organizing the mess have up until this point failed . Beside the table is a huge , six - panelled window , filled with the same blown glass balls as in the livingroom . It hangs on hinges , so we just push it out in the summer to take advantage of the nice breeze coming off the ocean , and then latch it closed in the winter , when it would be draughty , regardless . The cats use it to escape in the middle of the night when it 's open . Dad 's chair is the closest one to the kitchen counter . It was the one that I was sitting at when my mother accidently spilled an entire caraffe of coffee down my back , giving me an itchy burn that I proudly showed off to others for weeks . About four or five years ago , all the appliances in the house began to die . At first it was only the hair dryer , but soon the washing machine , the dryer , an electric drill , the dishwasher and the main element on the stove followed suit . We became very alarmed as every electrical device that my mother touched finally gave up after 15 - 20 years of abuse : the coffee maker , an electric shaver , an electric mixer and the microwave . All this happened during a four month period . It was a while before we got the epidemic under control , but for a while my parents thought they would have to resort to desperate measures : getting a divorce and then remarrying , so that people would give us new appliances . The problem , they said , was that they had simply been married for too long for everything electrical in the house to handle . Luckily they didn 't divorce . Instead , we got every sort of good luck charm that we could possibly find , and built a small shrine on top of the bread box . The crowning glory of it all is a medium sized cat like the ones that you find in Asian businesses . Mom used to stuff it full of coins that she picked up off the ground , and then give them to my sister anPosted by Let 's get this straight . I did not intentionally coat the next door neighbour 's kid 's feet with coal tar , but I would be lying if I said that it was an accident . It 's more like second - degree tarring . I just wish I had feathers . It is just that he is such a rotten little bastard . He digs up the plants in the garden , he walks uninvited into my house , he tears branches off of my Japanese maple , he asks too many questions and he abuses my cat . Now he has black spots all over his feet . Am I a bad person because I feel no remorse ? My sister and I were the two lucky people that got to seal the driveway with tar today . It quickly got boring , so I got my computer , put it beside the driveway and played music off of it . I also had a rather long msn conversation with Kathy , which Du also took part in , much to Kathy 's confusion . After a while it began to get dark , and a fire truck drove by . It slowed down near our house so that all the firemen could stare at us , still rolling tar all over the ashphalt , and dancing around a laptop . They were kind of cute . I think the neighbours think we 're weird . You can 't see it , but believe me , it 's still there . Now , let 's step into the livingroom , shall we ? Every couple of years we move all the furniature around , but the bookshelves in the corner have always been the same . They 're to your right , between the two windows . They also happen to be directly above where my bed used to be in the basement , and sometimes when I couldn 't sleep at night I would fantasize that the big one would finally hit and send those bookshelves through the floor / ceiling and onto my head . They 're too small for all the books we have , so we 've had to pile a couple hundred in front of them . I haven 't read them all , but maybe I will before I die . In the meantime they make me look smart . On top of the shelves sits a wrought iron sculpture of a tree that my dad made . Beside it is a picture of my grandmother in a flowery porcelain frame that oozes sentimentality . Beside that , a ceramic vase that looks like a wifebeater and is filled with wooden tulips . On top of the other bookshelf is an antique wooden clock . I used to like watching my mother open up the glass door on the front to wind it . We lost the key a long time ago . Over the years we have accumulated a lot of chairs , most in some form of disrepair , becuase we brought them home for mom to reupholster . I count six right now , in addition to the couch , which also needs to be reupholstered . The window is full of ornamental glass balls . A long time ago we ran out of room on the biggest Christmas tree we could fit in the room , so we hung the extras in the windows . We never bothered to take them down because we liked them . Then we started to buy special balls just for the windows . I have too many stories to tell about this room , so we will move on . Turn right , into the hall . The first door is to the office , mom 's desk on the left , dad 's on the right . The closet is full of old dance costumes and sheets that the cats love to sleep in . It used to be my room , so the walls are a lavender purple that I picked out when I was six . We ran out of paint part way thoughPosted by This used to be my home . You can still see it there , can 't you ? Out front is the pine tree that was planted too close to the house . I read somewhere that pine trees are a symbol of welcome in Chinese gardens , but I can 't remember where . Dad dug it up one year because it was getting too big , and he moved it further from the house . He didn 't move it far enough , but by the time anyone realized that , it was too big to move . Every year my mom would take me to the nursery to buy nasturtiums and pansies , which I would plant underneath that tree then neglect until they were dead . That is on the left side of the house . On the right there is a garden , between the house and the garage . I used to plant things there too . I was very good at planting things , but I 've always been bad at followthrough so everything died . Finally we just planted rhubarb , and it grew too well . I 've never particularly liked rhubarb , but the side garden made sure we had plenty of it to eat . Then up the stairs . Dad made the paper box on the railing to look like a little house , and my cat used to like sleeping in it . I 'm sure I have a picture of her in it somewhere , but I can 't find that right now . Every year except for grade 10 my mother posed my sister and I on these steps in brand new clothing for the obligatory first - day - of - school photo . The front porch used to be completely open to the elements , but we built walls around it one weekend . It has had two windows and a door that only stays closed if you lock it ever since . We took a chip of paint into the store to have it colourmatched and after we had painted it the same yellow as the rest of the house , noone could tell that our renovations were new . It was heated , but it was never very warm and after about six years , it started to smell a little musty when the windows weren 't open . It doesn 't matter much , because that is where I keep all the shoes that I never wear . The only problem with keeping things in the front hall is that I can never find anything when I need it . There is some sort of creature livinPosted by " I always have the same things : " Fridays is always fish . " Sundays is always meatloaf . " Saturdays is always roast beef . " Mondays is always pork chops . " Wednesdays is always lasagna . " She pronounces it law - zag - na as she pushes a limp wisp of hair behind her ear . " Tuesdays I usually work late , so I just have salad . Tuesdays is always salad . " Thursdays is always spaghetti . Every Friday I go to work and people say you 've got pasta because it 's Friday , and I say yes , because yesterday was Thursday and Thursday is always spaghetti . Just the same old boring food week after week after week . I 'm so predictable and boring . . . " Yeah , you could say that again . " And Fridays is always fish . " I resist the urge to tell her from the other end of the bus that she has already mentioned that Friday is fish day . " I went to the east coast and bought myself thirteen pounds of cod in a box . I took it with me on the plane . There were live lobsters in there too . They were still alive when I got off the plane and people kept asking me about them . But the cod . There was a lot of cod . My husband thought I was crazy but we were eating cod for months . Fridays is always fish and we had cod for months . " And she kept talking and talking and talking . Christ there are a lot of boring people in the world . What I can 't seem to figure out is if she was merely a boring person or whether her strange fixation on religious food taboos was the source of her boringness . I think too much about these things . It is yet another reason to move out of this shithole suburb in September . It 's too wasp , and too wonderbread . I had the chance to visit the new used bookstore down the street and it was surprisingly upscale for the neighbourhood . I noticed that when I walked in and immediately picked up a hefty volume of 15th century wisdom about the symptoms and cures of melancholy in all its wonderful forms . When I turned around , I found as if by magic a book about semiotics that I had tried unsuccessfully to locate at the library a couple of weeks ago . Contrary to my expectation of cPosted by There is a quote that I remember coming across several times : " Great people speak of ideas . Average people speak of things . Small people speak of other people . " It comes to mind whenever I have the occasion to spend a lot of time with Jenn , as I have for the past several days . After both being stranded because Ellen no longer drives us in , she has taken up driving me to work so we can use the carpool lane . Sometimes she reminds me of my sister in the way that she is able to talk nonstop about people that I don 't know and really couldn 't care less about . Perhaps this is my mother speaking , but I really don 't have much patience for idle gossip , especially when I don 't know who it is about . Luckily she didn 't just have gossip today . I also got to hear all about her trials and tribulations as an entrepeneur and small business owner . That interests me greatly . Sometimes I think that I should have gone into business and economics like my mom instead of communications . In spite of everything else that I may think about Jenn , she is a very shrewd businessperson and that is something that I can respect . She also drives me the 55 km to work , which sure as hell beats waking up at 5 : 30 to catch the bus . In spite of that though , I can 't wait for school . There is something about the inhumane treatment , financial fucking and my projected course overload next semester that I find oddly appealing . Am I a massochist or am I just tired of working 7 days a week ? My father is still pissed off with me for no particular reason , and consequently he refused to give me a ride ( Ellen doesn 't drive on Tuesdays ) . I woke up at 5 : 30 yesterday , so I could run to the bus . For some reason or other , I can 't seem to sleep on morning busses while I have the chance . Instead I spent my time quietly willing away the sore throat that I am quickly developing . I had a fairly boring and uneventful day at work , at least until I went to my other job in the afternoon . I was the only passenger on the bus and the driver started talking to me about how he hated summer road construction . Usually I listen enough to comment politely but yesterday I was just not in the mood . I stared out the window and he stared sullenly at the road for the whole trip . Near the beginning of my shift , my supervisor let slip that they had put one of the other lifeguards through a drill and he had lost his job as a result . I was paranoid all night . Coming home , we discovered that the sewer pipe in the basement had plugged and the washing machine had flooded the basement . Zosie , who had been doing her laundry at the time thought it was her fault and got in the way while trying to help clean up . She was so upset that she made us dinner . Tortelini with scallops and shrimp . It smelled delicious , but I wasn 't hungry . Ellen arrived at my house late last night to tell me that she had been laid off . I felt so bad for her , especially because her car died three days ago too . Now I no longer have a ride to work . Lovely . We took Dad to see As You Like It at Bard on the Beach yesterday , and as per usual , spending time with us in public has sent him into a bad mood for reasons which I cannot understand . In short , a breif cold waresqe lack of confrontation has left me ( and the rest of the house ) without internet access . I am at school right now . Consequently , I don 't expect to be posting anything tomorrow , but I will be back with a vengeance on Wednesday . Thank you for your patience . The object of the game today was to see how many people we could fit on one kayak . We managed five , but soon found that that didn 't last long . We all ended up in the water and that was extremely gross . I had a thick layer of pond slime coating my body when I finally got out , which started to dry into a lovely layer of caked dirt . It wasn 't so much the dirt that bothered me , but the smell . There 's something about that lake water that smells really disgusting while it is slowly drying on your skin . Thankfully I had brought a change of clothes , and ran to take a shower . It was then that I realized that I had forgotten to bring a towel . And soap . And shampoo . And a hairbrush as well . Whatever . There was a bar of soap near the locker room sink , so I used that . I borrowed a towel that was hanging up there ( I don 't know who exactly it belongs to , and where exactly it has been . ) Not having any shampoo , I rubbed some soap all over my head to try and get rid of the stagnant water smell . Those hurdles avoided , I brushed my hair with a fork . Not as good as a comb , but it works , and there was noone around to stare . Now I am somewhat clean , but I think I 'll have another shower when I get home , just to be safe . On the dock near Vanier Park , I stand between two boats , the Sea Lion and the Munin . The Sea Lion is a hundred years old this year , and was apparently the first tug boat to be equipped with a search light , as well as a ship - to - shore radio . It also has the dubious distinction of having played a major part in the Komagata Maru incident of 1914 , when a group of East Indians , believing themselves to be entitiled to full rights as citizens of the British Empire , decided to pay Canada a visit . In doing so , they purposed to challenge the discriminatory immigration laws of the time . Needless to say , their boat was intercepted , denied permission to land and after a two month long battle both on and off the water , it was eventually sent home to India . It is one of many blots on our country 's history that tends to be either glossed over or ignored . The Munin is a half - sized scale replica of the Gokstad ship found near Tønsberg , in Norway . It was lovingly handcrafted a few years ago by the local Skandinavian community as a celebration of their ancestors and culture . I believe that the Vikings are probably not completely deserving of the boorish and bloodthirsty image we tend to paint of them , just as we aren 't completely deserving of the peaceful and tolerant image we have of ourselves . It can be argued that the Vikings invaded , pillaged and burned out of economic necessity , but the same cannot be said for us . The subjegation of aboriginal peoples and Metis , the Chinese head tax , the internment of Japanese citizens during WWII , the Komagata Maru incident , and the forced sterilization of ' undesireable ' people ( ie . mentally handicapped and Eastern European ) in the praries as few as 40 years ago , as well as other events which I fail to mention were all motivated by racism . There is no other way to describe it , except to add that it was all accomplished in a much shorter and more recent period of time . I 'm struck by the contrast between the two vessels , both representing our different concepts of " ancient history " . I guess in the loPosted by A trip to see my grandmother has once again left me in a slightly irritable mood . She sits in her bed , thumbing through a Harlequin romance , the remains of her dinner mashed beyond recognition on the plastic hospital issue tray . She browses through the strawberries we have brought her , while telling about her birthday party yesterday . She seems to be very happy that my uncle is writing a book . Apparently it is very well written . I wonder what he will call it . Confessions of an Embezzeler maybe , or possibly How to Steal Thousands From Little Old Ladies . All I know is that I won 't be buying it . Grandma will though , because she still believes that he walks on water and talks with God . Inevitably her end of the conversation moves toward her discontent about being confined to a hospital . Once again she tells us that her wheelchair bothers her . It is uncomfortable and more importantly , it is too wide for her to be able to reach the wheels . She wants another one that is narrower . The only problem is that if she had a chair that was any smaller , she wouldn 't fit into it , but she doesn 't seem to realize or appreciate this fact . She also complains that she can 't go anywhere either . That is because she is too heavy for the wheelchair lifts in most busses , and her wheelchair is too big . The administration at the hospital has also said that except for emergencies , she should refrain from using the elevator as well , for fear of overloading it . The diet that they have put her on is restrictive , and she doesn 't like the fact that she is not allowed to buy chocolate bars . She also doesn 't like the fact that she will probably never be able to walk again , because she is overweight , and has no muscle whatsoever in her legs . I think I can see a reocurring theme here . . . and it irritates the hell out of me that noone mentions it to her . Maybe it is just that I 've spent too much time talking to my mother . We hosted a birthday party at work yesterday , with way too many kids and not enough preparation or equipment . Regardless , it went really well and the kids appeared to have a lot of fun . We organized a scavenger hunt on the water , and they had to kayak around looking for the clues . That took a lot more time than I had expected and the two hours went surprisingly fast . It wasn 't until after everyone had left that we realized that the birthday girl had left her bathing suit behind . Her mother returned for it today and handed us each some thank - you cards . After she left we discovered that she had tipped us for our efforts the previous day . Ten dollars each . It wasn 't a huge ammount , but a nice gesture , considering the fact that it wasn 't at all expected . In spite of the fact that I have to work tomorrow , I am so glad that it is Friday . It looks like I will be moving closer to school and my friends between now and September . Now begins the careful negotiations to have the rest of my family not move in with me . It 's not that I don 't like them , but I 'm sure that having four people living in a one bedroom apartment is not a good idea , even if millions of people all around the world do it all the time . Maybe it 's because I live in Canada or maybe it 's because I 'm just stuck up . Maybe it 's because I can live on rice and peas and old clothing that is too big for me and eat out of old mason jars instead of dishes , but I need some space . There I was , standing in the middle of the parking lot when a well dressed , middle aged woman approached me . She needed information , she said and I could help her . She began to ask questions about all sorts of things , some of which were fairly personal and I told her everything . I have secrets , but at that moment , nothing was sacred . We got into her car to talk in private . I told her about life , love , my friends and relationships . Then she analyzed what I was wearing . The informant sat behind me and took off my coat . Then she took off the gold locket that I was wearing and slowly unzipped the back of my dress . With a scalpel she made several large incisions into my back and peeled back my skin and muscles . Then she remarked a lot as to what she saw there . She then told me that she had to give me a brain aneurysm . I consented and she began to cut open the back of my head and dig around in my brain . It felt nice . Then she drove me to the nearest skytrain station , while holding my head immobile in a vice grip . She asked more questions all the way there . I saw Angus , Dani and Camila meet each other at what may have been Lougheed or New West Station . She asked me about them too , and I told all . The next thing I knew , she was driving away in her lavender hatchback . I had an equally bizarre ride home on the bus , and when I got there , I found that there were no marks on my back and that the lady had taken both my jewellery and coat . What does it all mean ? Your guess is as good as mine , but I 've never worn that locket before . To prove a point once in film , Heywood made us all sit down and listen for a moment to all the white noise in the room . A fan hummed slightly above our heads ; the lights buzzed ; people shuffled down the halls outside . " Aha ! " he said , there is no such thing as silence , so why do you leave white noise out of your movies ? Because we didn 't really realize that it was there . We learn to tune out the machinery that powers our lives , so that we don 't notice it unless it is defective or it is no longer there . The noise is comforting . It 's always there . We go further though . The cars passing outside and birds chirping is not enough for us . We need our televisions and radios , electrical appliances and talk . There is always talk . Sometimes I find myself talking to myself just to fill space . Sometimes I find myself talking to other people for the same reason . I don 't think I am the only one . I don 't like feeling like I 'm just talking to make noise , but that 's exactly how I 've felt on two separate occasions this week . Running into friends that I haven 't seen for a while , I don 't realize how much meaningless noise we are creating until we run out of things to say . Then we just sit there , trying to find polite ways to get out of the situation . Silence is too uncomfortable . Another year has passed and what have I done ? Well , if I remember correctly , about this time last year I was nearing the end of a relaxing summer of part time work and a tad bit overeager to go to university . Kathy and I made a couple of mainly uneventful forays up to the university in search of textbooks and the locations of all our classes . Then the full brunt of the school year was upon us and we discovered that your first year of university kind of sucks , not only because you are new and don 't really know anyone , but because social life on campus revolves around the pub , and you can 't get into it . I watched with some surprise as many people who I thought wouldn 't survive did , and more surprise as a couple people I knew would make it dropped out . The year was decent to me though . I managed to drag myself out the other end with a gpa of 3 . 35 . Not as good as it should be , but okay . I became friends with some really great people who subsiquently moved away to Japan , France and Malaysia , though I plan to keep in touch . I dropped practically all the extracurricular activities that I had previously engaged in , except for dance . I began to regret this after a while though , so I joined Oxfam . I intend to do more this coming year . Near the end of 2004 , we were evicted from the house I had lived in for nearly 14 years . Within days of leaving , the house was demolished . It ranks as the second worst Christmas I have ever had . Now I find myself living in a suburb that feels like it is lightyears away from where I had previously lived , physically and socially . It is an unrenovated basement suite , which lacks a proper kitchen , bathroom and bedroom . I can safely say that mentally I do not live here , and I never will , though I suppose it could always be worse . Even after eight months , I am still living out of boxes . I could not even begin to guess at the locations of many of my posessions , so out of boredom I turned to gardening . At first the neighbours were happy that my front yard didn 't look like crap anymore . Now they complain tPosted by I had a good day at work today . The sun was shining , kids were swimming and everyone else down on the dock took it upon themselves to police the swimmers ' behaviour . All I had to do was sit and watch . I love my job . It 's boring , but that 's a good thing . I came home today to an unexpected surprise . After seven months of painfully slow renovations , I finally have a kitchen counter and sink . I still lack dishwasher , stove and bedroom walls , but any progress is good progress . It reminds me of the fact that I might possibly be able to stop sleeping on the livingroom floor before the time I move out . My sister made me a pie thing out of blackberries and stracciatella gelato for my birthday and I finished eating it today . It didn 't exactly look pretty , but it was delicious and made with lots of love , and that is really all that counts . Tomorow I will take some time to look for my camera tripod . I haven 't seen it since I moved in December , but I need it now that my parents bought me a new lens for my birthday . Apparently I don 't need a tripod with that particular lens , but it 's a little heavy for me to be holding . More toys to play with . Should be fun . I have three more weeks until summer ends . I can 't wait for more mental and financial abuse at the hands of my school , as strange as that sounds . Three months off is too much . It was my birthday yesterday . I can now legally drink and have my own credit card . Yay . I think more than anything it means that I should suck it up and go for my driving exam so that when people ID me I don 't have to hand them my bright red loser license . Though other than that , there really is no point , because I don 't have a car and the fact that I have a really cheap government - subsidized bus pass means I don 't really need to drive anyway . Now that I think of it , I would rather have a motorcycle , one of those little quiet Japanese ones , but I don 't have the correct license to drive one and as long as I have my upass , I don 't think I 'll be spending anything on a vehicle . Unfortunately I was too tied up with work yesterday , today and tomorrow to celebrate by getting completely hammered this weekend . There 's always next week . And the week after . I 'm sure I will have much more to say on this topic sometime in the near future . A kid walked up to me at work today , holding his leg and appearing to be in a lot of distress . " My leg is all scratched up and it really hurts , " he said , motioning toward a spot near his left knee , " I really need a bandaid . " His leg looked perfectly fine to me , but I grabbed the first aid kit anyways . As I rifled through it , he continued to speak : " It doesn 't look really bad , but it is . It 's really small but it could bleed a lot . I could bleed out . " Yeah kid , whatever . By the time I had found a bandaid , I had to ask him a second time where he hurt . I could still see no sign of injury . The kid pointed to a place , I bandaged him up and he left . I 'm pretty sure that he had pointed to a completely different part of his leg , but it didn 't matter . He was cured . He went swimming immediately after and his bandaid washed off in a few minutes . He didn 't come back for another one . Thursdays I work a really strange split shift and today I am at school , because I work too far away from home and I have nowhere better to go . Usually I don 't like sitting for hours , doing nothing , but today for once I just needed some time to vegetate . The day soon found me sprawled unconscious on the floor in an obscure corner of an almost forgotten hall of the university , with my arms tenderly around my laptop . If the people on the seventh floor of the library can do it , then why can 't I ? A few hours later , I was rudely awakened by the alarm clock on my cell phone , which I must have set earlier , knowing exactly how tired I was . My neck was stiff and my back was sore . There really aren 't any good places to sleep around here , and everyone is too concerned about paying for tuition to protest the lack of couches on campus . One day we will . . . After that , I decided to check out the new sushi place on campus , where the spicy tuna roll was good enough to make me cry . It was fairly cheap too , though because it was cheap , I ate a little too much and now I feel kind of sick . At the moment , I am sitting here in the courtyard in the AQ , watching the stupid yet amusing antics of some boys in the Science Al ! ve summer camp who are throwing waterbottles from heights and betting on which one will hit the ground first . They both land at the same time , and then the boys fight over who won the bet ( neither did ) . Then they get really animated while they argue and then engage in repeated rematches . It 's a pity that I am sans camera right now . They would be worth a picture . It isn 't weight but surface area of an object that determines how fast it falls . I 'm a communication major and even I knew that . I guess they 'll learn eventually , but maybe not today . They fight too much and already their instructors have shut them down . And now I 'm off to work again . Lucky me . Mornings are back to normal . Jen cranes her neck to see into the rear view mirror , trying hard to keep still enough through the traffic to put on her mascara . " He 's such a bastard , " she says , referring to her fiancée , " I gave up going to the bar with the other girls in the cul - de - sac to clean the house and then he comes home and says that the house is a mess . " I should tell him that the garden looks like shit . That 's what I 'll do . " I think it would be easier for them to break up now before they kill each other , but of course , I can 't say that . I just don 't see the point in marrying someone who you yell at constantly . They aren 't going to change after you marry them , so why bother if you hate them already ? The world needs less fighting , not more . I stumbled across the Complimenting Commenter 's blog quite by accident today . CC is well on the way to completing his / her goal of complimenting 3000 people through their blogs by the end of August . Yay for spreading blogosphere love . More non fireworks related pictures soon . I promise . " I just want to remind you that custom courseware is non - refundable , " she said , scanning the bar codes . " Yeah , I know , " I said glumly , handing her my card and hoping that she wouldn 't say the amount . I didn 't want to know . I walked out with the books I need for one class then surveyed the damage : $ 103 . And what , you ask , do you get for $ 103 ? David Lodge - Nice WorkIrvine Welsh - TrainspottingElizabeth Gaskell - North and SouthZoe Druick - CMNS - 223 Custom Courseware : Advertising as Social Communication Not much at all . Not much considering the fact that I still have to buy books for four more courses . Once again , I feel abused . I have a feeling that it 's not going to get any better . On a positive note , I have some new things to read for the rest of the summer . John arrived at work when I wasn 't there to say hi . He probably heard that I was working there from Mimi . For some reason or other , I had thought that he had moved far away . At first I thought he was an idiot for not calling , but then I realized that because I moved , he probably doesn 't have my phone number or email anymore . I should call him . Apparently there is going to be a zombie walk downtown on August 27 . Sweet ! Dear Sharon , I don 't understand you . You told my grandmother that you regret never having the chance to get to know me , and yet in all the times we have met in the past three years , you have chosen to treat me as if I do not exist . You dance around me as if I might bite . You hold me at arm 's length , a child to be seen and not heard . Do you want me to prostrate myself in front of you , begging for your attention ? I suppose I should try talking to you , but I don 't know what to say . I don 't know you well enough , and you don 't have any hobbies or interests that I can talk to you about . What am I supposed to say ? " So , how 's widowhood ? " " How did you like working thirty years in a mental institution ? " " I hear you 're beginning to regret that hysterectomy you got when you were 22 . " " Is there a reason why you 're shunning me , or are you just a bitch ? " No , I think it would be a lot easier if you just asked me about how my day was , but you can 't seem to do that , can you ? I just don 't understand . Sincerely , ErinPS . Happy birthday . My name is Erin . I have three cats and a hive of bees . I 'm studying communication and sustainable community development in Vancouver , BC . I am a 20something blogger . You can find me on Last . fm , Facebook , Ravelry , Twitter and Flickr . I 'm currently participating in Blog365 and x365 . I like hugs and people who subscribe to my feed . I also like emails : plastic . alligator at gmail dot com . |
It 's a pity I don 't have the time or money to go into currency trading . Sometimes I think I would be better off as a stock broker , trading commodities , buying and selling peoples ' futures without much regard as to the possible consequenses of my actions . It 's all about profits for shareholders , and the rest will sort itself out eventually . No , instead I 'm taking arts . What can I say ? I 'm a bleeding heart . The money is a flurry of green and black as she counts it out . I have no idea what she is saying ; all the bills look the same to me . I have often wondered why the wealthiest and most powerful country in the world right now insists on making all denominations of its currency look as identical as possible . Someone once told me that I should pay more attention to the different presidents . Like I 'm going to notice that there 's a difference between Washington and Hamilton when I 'm trying to pay for something , until someone hands me back more bills than I was expecting to recieve . I 'm always pleasantly surprised when that happens . Most of the time they could have just kept the difference and I wouldn 't have noticed . And now come the questions : " Can I interest you in the somethingorother visa card ? " " Not today , thank you . " The interest rate is criminal . " Are you aware that you can get a better return with a term deposit , instead of keeping a large balance in your savings account ? " " Are you aware that I 'm cleaning out my account next week to pay for tuition and I can 't get a term deposit for terms of less than a month ? " " You could pay for school with a visa . " " Why ? I already pay online through my bank account . " " Yes , but you need a credit card . " " No . Schools don 't take credit cards . I set it up like an online bill payment , just like I would pay for gas or hydro . " " But my kids always use my visa to pay for school . " " I suggest you check your bill when it comes in . " The beauty of American money is that regardless of how much you actually have , you always look like you have a lot . I reflect on this as I shove the wad of bills into my waPosted by [ sometimes I can tell who 's out on the water by looking at the shoes left on the dock . sometimes I can 't . ] Sure , it 's the end of August but it feels like May to me . I always feel so burned out in May . I 'm so tired , and yet I can 't sleep at night . It 's weird . I keep looking forward to school as a holiday from work . A number of people have visited my blog recently , searching for " pistachio pudding " . I can only assume that they are looking for the infamous pistachio pudding video . Instead , they are confronted with a post about how getting lost in a grocery store reminded me of my strange obsession with pistachio pudding because I used to think that it was made out of ground up turtles . My apologies for the confusion that I may have caused , even though when I type ' pistachio pudding ' it is the film and not this blog that comes up first . Whatever . The fact is that I really should have placed a link to the movie in the post , so that people wouldn 't have to spend more time than what was absolutely necessary on my gay blog . So , here it is . Happy now ? I had nothing to do at work , so I just sat there for three hours , doing nothing . The alarm system kept beeping , and I couldn 't figure out why . It has never done that before . It was driving me insane , especially since I was sitting alone , in a room , with nothing to do but listen to the thing beep once every thirty to fifty seconds . We began to have a conversation : " Beep . . . . Beep . . . . " " Jesus Christ , it 's not going to beep again is it ? " " Beep . . . . Beep . . . . Beep . . . . " ( a period of silence that lasts about 5 minutes ) " Thank God . " " Beep . " " If I ignore it , it will go away . It will go away , right ? " " Beep . " " Let me guess , you 're going to beep again . " " Beep . " " Smartass . " " Beep . " " Okay , I 'm getting tired of this . " " Beep . " " It 's not funny anymore . " " Beep . " " What is wrong with you ? " " Beep . " " Can 't you just shut up ? " " Beep . " " Shut up you bastard ! " ( silence ) " Ha ! " " Beep . . . " The sad thing is that I actually got paid to sit there and scream at the alarm system . What is wrong with the world ? The phone rang twice and I didn 't answer it in spite of the fact that I wasn 't really doing anything . I felt kind of bad about that , until I learned that it was my mother checking up on me . At least it was her and not something really important . I feel really irresponsible today . I was ready to crash at 4 : 30 in the afternoon , even though I slept in until 8 : 00 , later than I usually do on Sundays . I 'm kind of glad that summer 's almost over . I took a long walk through my old neighbourhood the other day , and apart from the obvious things , it hasn 't changed much . Regardless , it just doesn 't feel like it 's mine anymore . It 's like I 've been away for too long for anything there to remember me , even though it 's only been 8 months . I 've changed too much to belong there again , and yet I can 't wait to move back there in a month . I 've been looking forward to going back since before I left . I can 't explain it . I ran into the circles man on the street , and he had me explain the book that I was carrying . Yes , it was for school , and yes , I 'm studying very hard . It was a custom courseware ( read : overpriced book of photocopies that have no resale value whatsoever ) about advertising as social communication . Very interesting stuff . He made a face and then smiled . " You 've got to stop going to school , " he said , clapping me on the back , " cause you 're getting so smart that you won 't want to talk to me anymore . " His accent seems to wander all over Eastern Europe and after years of trying I still can 't place it . He never talks about his past . He shuffled away as I stood there , waiting for the light to change . Halfway down the block he stopped , turned around in a tight circle and then continued on his way . I haven 't determined if it is just something he does , or mental illness . I don 't ask . Some people wonder why I like winter . One possible answer presents itself as a man with a compulsive twitch decides to help me off the bus . " There you go , miss , " he says politely , guiding my hand unnecessarily toward the door . He seems like a perfectly nice , normal guy , but the needle tracks dotting his arms and legs beg to differ . If it was winter he would have been wearing long sleeves and long pants , and I would have been none the wiser . He had sat across from me for the whole trip . I paused once in a while from my book ( which ironically enough was Trainspotting by Irvine Welsh ) to watch him twitch and fidget before falling into a nervous sleep . He woke up only once , when he fell over onto the man sitting beside him . A little boy standing in the aisle asked him if the sores all over his arms and legs were chicken pox . Some adults on the bus exchanged knowing glances . The junkie didn 't answer . It 's better that way . The saddest thing about drug users is that I 'm sure the majority of them are good people , but you can 't exactly trust them . Drugs tend to turn people that you know and love into lying , cheating bastards , even if they don 't want to be . It occured to me that we as a society wouldn 't have problems with substance abuse if we didn 't have brains . There are some people I know that would probably benefit from labotomies , but I don 't suppose that will be possible in the near future . I saw Devon on the previous bus that I had taken . " Why don 't you sit down ? " he said , referring to the last available courtesy seat at the front of the bus . " I don 't like to sit at the front of the bus , " I said , " Just about the time that I sit down , I fall asleep or zone out and I don 't notice that someone needs the seat . Then I look like an asshole for not offering it to them . " " No one needs it right now , " he replied , and I was forced to agree . I sat down . After he had left the bus I cracked open my book again , and within two stops I had a lady with a walker tapping my knee asking me to move . Once again I am an insensitive asshole . NexPosted by " You are professional student , " he said with admiration , sitting down beside me at the bus stop and gesturing toward the textbook I was reading . " And why is that , uncle ? " I asked . I went out on a limb calling him that , but he seemed dually impressed that I had afforded him the respect . He stopped to think for a while . The lights changed at the intersection , causing the traffic to back up and a couple of guys in a souped up Honda stopped right in front of us . Their music pulsed through the ground to where we were sitting and he turned to me with a knowing smile . " They are bad students , " he said , " but you are professional student and you come out success . " We talked for a while , and I helped him with his English while I tried hard to ignore the fact that his four front teeth were veneered in a white that was substantially brighter than the rest of his teeth . It was kind of like a game : he gave me some jumbled up words and I put them in the correct order , and conjugated everything properly . Then his bus arrived and I went back to my text . This summer I have spent an average of 24 hours on the bus each week . That is 14 days of wasted time . I try not to think about it any more . I tried out my new upass yesterday and discovered that the fare machines won 't accept them yet and I had to pay the regular adult fare . Bastards . Regardless , it is burning a hole in my pocket , and I can 't wait to use and abuse my newfound freedom , all $ 98 of it . If only I didn 't have to work . . . The kitchen is never as clean as it should be . Stepping in from the livingroom , there are things piled all over the dinner table : bills , bank statements , notices and homework from school . All attempts at organizing the mess have up until this point failed . Beside the table is a huge , six - panelled window , filled with the same blown glass balls as in the livingroom . It hangs on hinges , so we just push it out in the summer to take advantage of the nice breeze coming off the ocean , and then latch it closed in the winter , when it would be draughty , regardless . The cats use it to escape in the middle of the night when it 's open . Dad 's chair is the closest one to the kitchen counter . It was the one that I was sitting at when my mother accidently spilled an entire caraffe of coffee down my back , giving me an itchy burn that I proudly showed off to others for weeks . About four or five years ago , all the appliances in the house began to die . At first it was only the hair dryer , but soon the washing machine , the dryer , an electric drill , the dishwasher and the main element on the stove followed suit . We became very alarmed as every electrical device that my mother touched finally gave up after 15 - 20 years of abuse : the coffee maker , an electric shaver , an electric mixer and the microwave . All this happened during a four month period . It was a while before we got the epidemic under control , but for a while my parents thought they would have to resort to desperate measures : getting a divorce and then remarrying , so that people would give us new appliances . The problem , they said , was that they had simply been married for too long for everything electrical in the house to handle . Luckily they didn 't divorce . Instead , we got every sort of good luck charm that we could possibly find , and built a small shrine on top of the bread box . The crowning glory of it all is a medium sized cat like the ones that you find in Asian businesses . Mom used to stuff it full of coins that she picked up off the ground , and then give them to my sister anPosted by Let 's get this straight . I did not intentionally coat the next door neighbour 's kid 's feet with coal tar , but I would be lying if I said that it was an accident . It 's more like second - degree tarring . I just wish I had feathers . It is just that he is such a rotten little bastard . He digs up the plants in the garden , he walks uninvited into my house , he tears branches off of my Japanese maple , he asks too many questions and he abuses my cat . Now he has black spots all over his feet . Am I a bad person because I feel no remorse ? My sister and I were the two lucky people that got to seal the driveway with tar today . It quickly got boring , so I got my computer , put it beside the driveway and played music off of it . I also had a rather long msn conversation with Kathy , which Du also took part in , much to Kathy 's confusion . After a while it began to get dark , and a fire truck drove by . It slowed down near our house so that all the firemen could stare at us , still rolling tar all over the ashphalt , and dancing around a laptop . They were kind of cute . I think the neighbours think we 're weird . You can 't see it , but believe me , it 's still there . Now , let 's step into the livingroom , shall we ? Every couple of years we move all the furniature around , but the bookshelves in the corner have always been the same . They 're to your right , between the two windows . They also happen to be directly above where my bed used to be in the basement , and sometimes when I couldn 't sleep at night I would fantasize that the big one would finally hit and send those bookshelves through the floor / ceiling and onto my head . They 're too small for all the books we have , so we 've had to pile a couple hundred in front of them . I haven 't read them all , but maybe I will before I die . In the meantime they make me look smart . On top of the shelves sits a wrought iron sculpture of a tree that my dad made . Beside it is a picture of my grandmother in a flowery porcelain frame that oozes sentimentality . Beside that , a ceramic vase that looks like a wifebeater and is filled with wooden tulips . On top of the other bookshelf is an antique wooden clock . I used to like watching my mother open up the glass door on the front to wind it . We lost the key a long time ago . Over the years we have accumulated a lot of chairs , most in some form of disrepair , becuase we brought them home for mom to reupholster . I count six right now , in addition to the couch , which also needs to be reupholstered . The window is full of ornamental glass balls . A long time ago we ran out of room on the biggest Christmas tree we could fit in the room , so we hung the extras in the windows . We never bothered to take them down because we liked them . Then we started to buy special balls just for the windows . I have too many stories to tell about this room , so we will move on . Turn right , into the hall . The first door is to the office , mom 's desk on the left , dad 's on the right . The closet is full of old dance costumes and sheets that the cats love to sleep in . It used to be my room , so the walls are a lavender purple that I picked out when I was six . We ran out of paint part way thoughPosted by This used to be my home . You can still see it there , can 't you ? Out front is the pine tree that was planted too close to the house . I read somewhere that pine trees are a symbol of welcome in Chinese gardens , but I can 't remember where . Dad dug it up one year because it was getting too big , and he moved it further from the house . He didn 't move it far enough , but by the time anyone realized that , it was too big to move . Every year my mom would take me to the nursery to buy nasturtiums and pansies , which I would plant underneath that tree then neglect until they were dead . That is on the left side of the house . On the right there is a garden , between the house and the garage . I used to plant things there too . I was very good at planting things , but I 've always been bad at followthrough so everything died . Finally we just planted rhubarb , and it grew too well . I 've never particularly liked rhubarb , but the side garden made sure we had plenty of it to eat . Then up the stairs . Dad made the paper box on the railing to look like a little house , and my cat used to like sleeping in it . I 'm sure I have a picture of her in it somewhere , but I can 't find that right now . Every year except for grade 10 my mother posed my sister and I on these steps in brand new clothing for the obligatory first - day - of - school photo . The front porch used to be completely open to the elements , but we built walls around it one weekend . It has had two windows and a door that only stays closed if you lock it ever since . We took a chip of paint into the store to have it colourmatched and after we had painted it the same yellow as the rest of the house , noone could tell that our renovations were new . It was heated , but it was never very warm and after about six years , it started to smell a little musty when the windows weren 't open . It doesn 't matter much , because that is where I keep all the shoes that I never wear . The only problem with keeping things in the front hall is that I can never find anything when I need it . There is some sort of creature livinPosted by " I always have the same things : " Fridays is always fish . " Sundays is always meatloaf . " Saturdays is always roast beef . " Mondays is always pork chops . " Wednesdays is always lasagna . " She pronounces it law - zag - na as she pushes a limp wisp of hair behind her ear . " Tuesdays I usually work late , so I just have salad . Tuesdays is always salad . " Thursdays is always spaghetti . Every Friday I go to work and people say you 've got pasta because it 's Friday , and I say yes , because yesterday was Thursday and Thursday is always spaghetti . Just the same old boring food week after week after week . I 'm so predictable and boring . . . " Yeah , you could say that again . " And Fridays is always fish . " I resist the urge to tell her from the other end of the bus that she has already mentioned that Friday is fish day . " I went to the east coast and bought myself thirteen pounds of cod in a box . I took it with me on the plane . There were live lobsters in there too . They were still alive when I got off the plane and people kept asking me about them . But the cod . There was a lot of cod . My husband thought I was crazy but we were eating cod for months . Fridays is always fish and we had cod for months . " And she kept talking and talking and talking . Christ there are a lot of boring people in the world . What I can 't seem to figure out is if she was merely a boring person or whether her strange fixation on religious food taboos was the source of her boringness . I think too much about these things . It is yet another reason to move out of this shithole suburb in September . It 's too wasp , and too wonderbread . I had the chance to visit the new used bookstore down the street and it was surprisingly upscale for the neighbourhood . I noticed that when I walked in and immediately picked up a hefty volume of 15th century wisdom about the symptoms and cures of melancholy in all its wonderful forms . When I turned around , I found as if by magic a book about semiotics that I had tried unsuccessfully to locate at the library a couple of weeks ago . Contrary to my expectation of cPosted by There is a quote that I remember coming across several times : " Great people speak of ideas . Average people speak of things . Small people speak of other people . " It comes to mind whenever I have the occasion to spend a lot of time with Jenn , as I have for the past several days . After both being stranded because Ellen no longer drives us in , she has taken up driving me to work so we can use the carpool lane . Sometimes she reminds me of my sister in the way that she is able to talk nonstop about people that I don 't know and really couldn 't care less about . Perhaps this is my mother speaking , but I really don 't have much patience for idle gossip , especially when I don 't know who it is about . Luckily she didn 't just have gossip today . I also got to hear all about her trials and tribulations as an entrepeneur and small business owner . That interests me greatly . Sometimes I think that I should have gone into business and economics like my mom instead of communications . In spite of everything else that I may think about Jenn , she is a very shrewd businessperson and that is something that I can respect . She also drives me the 55 km to work , which sure as hell beats waking up at 5 : 30 to catch the bus . In spite of that though , I can 't wait for school . There is something about the inhumane treatment , financial fucking and my projected course overload next semester that I find oddly appealing . Am I a massochist or am I just tired of working 7 days a week ? My father is still pissed off with me for no particular reason , and consequently he refused to give me a ride ( Ellen doesn 't drive on Tuesdays ) . I woke up at 5 : 30 yesterday , so I could run to the bus . For some reason or other , I can 't seem to sleep on morning busses while I have the chance . Instead I spent my time quietly willing away the sore throat that I am quickly developing . I had a fairly boring and uneventful day at work , at least until I went to my other job in the afternoon . I was the only passenger on the bus and the driver started talking to me about how he hated summer road construction . Usually I listen enough to comment politely but yesterday I was just not in the mood . I stared out the window and he stared sullenly at the road for the whole trip . Near the beginning of my shift , my supervisor let slip that they had put one of the other lifeguards through a drill and he had lost his job as a result . I was paranoid all night . Coming home , we discovered that the sewer pipe in the basement had plugged and the washing machine had flooded the basement . Zosie , who had been doing her laundry at the time thought it was her fault and got in the way while trying to help clean up . She was so upset that she made us dinner . Tortelini with scallops and shrimp . It smelled delicious , but I wasn 't hungry . Ellen arrived at my house late last night to tell me that she had been laid off . I felt so bad for her , especially because her car died three days ago too . Now I no longer have a ride to work . Lovely . We took Dad to see As You Like It at Bard on the Beach yesterday , and as per usual , spending time with us in public has sent him into a bad mood for reasons which I cannot understand . In short , a breif cold waresqe lack of confrontation has left me ( and the rest of the house ) without internet access . I am at school right now . Consequently , I don 't expect to be posting anything tomorrow , but I will be back with a vengeance on Wednesday . Thank you for your patience . The object of the game today was to see how many people we could fit on one kayak . We managed five , but soon found that that didn 't last long . We all ended up in the water and that was extremely gross . I had a thick layer of pond slime coating my body when I finally got out , which started to dry into a lovely layer of caked dirt . It wasn 't so much the dirt that bothered me , but the smell . There 's something about that lake water that smells really disgusting while it is slowly drying on your skin . Thankfully I had brought a change of clothes , and ran to take a shower . It was then that I realized that I had forgotten to bring a towel . And soap . And shampoo . And a hairbrush as well . Whatever . There was a bar of soap near the locker room sink , so I used that . I borrowed a towel that was hanging up there ( I don 't know who exactly it belongs to , and where exactly it has been . ) Not having any shampoo , I rubbed some soap all over my head to try and get rid of the stagnant water smell . Those hurdles avoided , I brushed my hair with a fork . Not as good as a comb , but it works , and there was noone around to stare . Now I am somewhat clean , but I think I 'll have another shower when I get home , just to be safe . On the dock near Vanier Park , I stand between two boats , the Sea Lion and the Munin . The Sea Lion is a hundred years old this year , and was apparently the first tug boat to be equipped with a search light , as well as a ship - to - shore radio . It also has the dubious distinction of having played a major part in the Komagata Maru incident of 1914 , when a group of East Indians , believing themselves to be entitiled to full rights as citizens of the British Empire , decided to pay Canada a visit . In doing so , they purposed to challenge the discriminatory immigration laws of the time . Needless to say , their boat was intercepted , denied permission to land and after a two month long battle both on and off the water , it was eventually sent home to India . It is one of many blots on our country 's history that tends to be either glossed over or ignored . The Munin is a half - sized scale replica of the Gokstad ship found near Tønsberg , in Norway . It was lovingly handcrafted a few years ago by the local Skandinavian community as a celebration of their ancestors and culture . I believe that the Vikings are probably not completely deserving of the boorish and bloodthirsty image we tend to paint of them , just as we aren 't completely deserving of the peaceful and tolerant image we have of ourselves . It can be argued that the Vikings invaded , pillaged and burned out of economic necessity , but the same cannot be said for us . The subjegation of aboriginal peoples and Metis , the Chinese head tax , the internment of Japanese citizens during WWII , the Komagata Maru incident , and the forced sterilization of ' undesireable ' people ( ie . mentally handicapped and Eastern European ) in the praries as few as 40 years ago , as well as other events which I fail to mention were all motivated by racism . There is no other way to describe it , except to add that it was all accomplished in a much shorter and more recent period of time . I 'm struck by the contrast between the two vessels , both representing our different concepts of " ancient history " . I guess in the loPosted by A trip to see my grandmother has once again left me in a slightly irritable mood . She sits in her bed , thumbing through a Harlequin romance , the remains of her dinner mashed beyond recognition on the plastic hospital issue tray . She browses through the strawberries we have brought her , while telling about her birthday party yesterday . She seems to be very happy that my uncle is writing a book . Apparently it is very well written . I wonder what he will call it . Confessions of an Embezzeler maybe , or possibly How to Steal Thousands From Little Old Ladies . All I know is that I won 't be buying it . Grandma will though , because she still believes that he walks on water and talks with God . Inevitably her end of the conversation moves toward her discontent about being confined to a hospital . Once again she tells us that her wheelchair bothers her . It is uncomfortable and more importantly , it is too wide for her to be able to reach the wheels . She wants another one that is narrower . The only problem is that if she had a chair that was any smaller , she wouldn 't fit into it , but she doesn 't seem to realize or appreciate this fact . She also complains that she can 't go anywhere either . That is because she is too heavy for the wheelchair lifts in most busses , and her wheelchair is too big . The administration at the hospital has also said that except for emergencies , she should refrain from using the elevator as well , for fear of overloading it . The diet that they have put her on is restrictive , and she doesn 't like the fact that she is not allowed to buy chocolate bars . She also doesn 't like the fact that she will probably never be able to walk again , because she is overweight , and has no muscle whatsoever in her legs . I think I can see a reocurring theme here . . . and it irritates the hell out of me that noone mentions it to her . Maybe it is just that I 've spent too much time talking to my mother . We hosted a birthday party at work yesterday , with way too many kids and not enough preparation or equipment . Regardless , it went really well and the kids appeared to have a lot of fun . We organized a scavenger hunt on the water , and they had to kayak around looking for the clues . That took a lot more time than I had expected and the two hours went surprisingly fast . It wasn 't until after everyone had left that we realized that the birthday girl had left her bathing suit behind . Her mother returned for it today and handed us each some thank - you cards . After she left we discovered that she had tipped us for our efforts the previous day . Ten dollars each . It wasn 't a huge ammount , but a nice gesture , considering the fact that it wasn 't at all expected . In spite of the fact that I have to work tomorrow , I am so glad that it is Friday . It looks like I will be moving closer to school and my friends between now and September . Now begins the careful negotiations to have the rest of my family not move in with me . It 's not that I don 't like them , but I 'm sure that having four people living in a one bedroom apartment is not a good idea , even if millions of people all around the world do it all the time . Maybe it 's because I live in Canada or maybe it 's because I 'm just stuck up . Maybe it 's because I can live on rice and peas and old clothing that is too big for me and eat out of old mason jars instead of dishes , but I need some space . There I was , standing in the middle of the parking lot when a well dressed , middle aged woman approached me . She needed information , she said and I could help her . She began to ask questions about all sorts of things , some of which were fairly personal and I told her everything . I have secrets , but at that moment , nothing was sacred . We got into her car to talk in private . I told her about life , love , my friends and relationships . Then she analyzed what I was wearing . The informant sat behind me and took off my coat . Then she took off the gold locket that I was wearing and slowly unzipped the back of my dress . With a scalpel she made several large incisions into my back and peeled back my skin and muscles . Then she remarked a lot as to what she saw there . She then told me that she had to give me a brain aneurysm . I consented and she began to cut open the back of my head and dig around in my brain . It felt nice . Then she drove me to the nearest skytrain station , while holding my head immobile in a vice grip . She asked more questions all the way there . I saw Angus , Dani and Camila meet each other at what may have been Lougheed or New West Station . She asked me about them too , and I told all . The next thing I knew , she was driving away in her lavender hatchback . I had an equally bizarre ride home on the bus , and when I got there , I found that there were no marks on my back and that the lady had taken both my jewellery and coat . What does it all mean ? Your guess is as good as mine , but I 've never worn that locket before . To prove a point once in film , Heywood made us all sit down and listen for a moment to all the white noise in the room . A fan hummed slightly above our heads ; the lights buzzed ; people shuffled down the halls outside . " Aha ! " he said , there is no such thing as silence , so why do you leave white noise out of your movies ? Because we didn 't really realize that it was there . We learn to tune out the machinery that powers our lives , so that we don 't notice it unless it is defective or it is no longer there . The noise is comforting . It 's always there . We go further though . The cars passing outside and birds chirping is not enough for us . We need our televisions and radios , electrical appliances and talk . There is always talk . Sometimes I find myself talking to myself just to fill space . Sometimes I find myself talking to other people for the same reason . I don 't think I am the only one . I don 't like feeling like I 'm just talking to make noise , but that 's exactly how I 've felt on two separate occasions this week . Running into friends that I haven 't seen for a while , I don 't realize how much meaningless noise we are creating until we run out of things to say . Then we just sit there , trying to find polite ways to get out of the situation . Silence is too uncomfortable . Another year has passed and what have I done ? Well , if I remember correctly , about this time last year I was nearing the end of a relaxing summer of part time work and a tad bit overeager to go to university . Kathy and I made a couple of mainly uneventful forays up to the university in search of textbooks and the locations of all our classes . Then the full brunt of the school year was upon us and we discovered that your first year of university kind of sucks , not only because you are new and don 't really know anyone , but because social life on campus revolves around the pub , and you can 't get into it . I watched with some surprise as many people who I thought wouldn 't survive did , and more surprise as a couple people I knew would make it dropped out . The year was decent to me though . I managed to drag myself out the other end with a gpa of 3 . 35 . Not as good as it should be , but okay . I became friends with some really great people who subsiquently moved away to Japan , France and Malaysia , though I plan to keep in touch . I dropped practically all the extracurricular activities that I had previously engaged in , except for dance . I began to regret this after a while though , so I joined Oxfam . I intend to do more this coming year . Near the end of 2004 , we were evicted from the house I had lived in for nearly 14 years . Within days of leaving , the house was demolished . It ranks as the second worst Christmas I have ever had . Now I find myself living in a suburb that feels like it is lightyears away from where I had previously lived , physically and socially . It is an unrenovated basement suite , which lacks a proper kitchen , bathroom and bedroom . I can safely say that mentally I do not live here , and I never will , though I suppose it could always be worse . Even after eight months , I am still living out of boxes . I could not even begin to guess at the locations of many of my posessions , so out of boredom I turned to gardening . At first the neighbours were happy that my front yard didn 't look like crap anymore . Now they complain tPosted by I had a good day at work today . The sun was shining , kids were swimming and everyone else down on the dock took it upon themselves to police the swimmers ' behaviour . All I had to do was sit and watch . I love my job . It 's boring , but that 's a good thing . I came home today to an unexpected surprise . After seven months of painfully slow renovations , I finally have a kitchen counter and sink . I still lack dishwasher , stove and bedroom walls , but any progress is good progress . It reminds me of the fact that I might possibly be able to stop sleeping on the livingroom floor before the time I move out . My sister made me a pie thing out of blackberries and stracciatella gelato for my birthday and I finished eating it today . It didn 't exactly look pretty , but it was delicious and made with lots of love , and that is really all that counts . Tomorow I will take some time to look for my camera tripod . I haven 't seen it since I moved in December , but I need it now that my parents bought me a new lens for my birthday . Apparently I don 't need a tripod with that particular lens , but it 's a little heavy for me to be holding . More toys to play with . Should be fun . I have three more weeks until summer ends . I can 't wait for more mental and financial abuse at the hands of my school , as strange as that sounds . Three months off is too much . It was my birthday yesterday . I can now legally drink and have my own credit card . Yay . I think more than anything it means that I should suck it up and go for my driving exam so that when people ID me I don 't have to hand them my bright red loser license . Though other than that , there really is no point , because I don 't have a car and the fact that I have a really cheap government - subsidized bus pass means I don 't really need to drive anyway . Now that I think of it , I would rather have a motorcycle , one of those little quiet Japanese ones , but I don 't have the correct license to drive one and as long as I have my upass , I don 't think I 'll be spending anything on a vehicle . Unfortunately I was too tied up with work yesterday , today and tomorrow to celebrate by getting completely hammered this weekend . There 's always next week . And the week after . I 'm sure I will have much more to say on this topic sometime in the near future . A kid walked up to me at work today , holding his leg and appearing to be in a lot of distress . " My leg is all scratched up and it really hurts , " he said , motioning toward a spot near his left knee , " I really need a bandaid . " His leg looked perfectly fine to me , but I grabbed the first aid kit anyways . As I rifled through it , he continued to speak : " It doesn 't look really bad , but it is . It 's really small but it could bleed a lot . I could bleed out . " Yeah kid , whatever . By the time I had found a bandaid , I had to ask him a second time where he hurt . I could still see no sign of injury . The kid pointed to a place , I bandaged him up and he left . I 'm pretty sure that he had pointed to a completely different part of his leg , but it didn 't matter . He was cured . He went swimming immediately after and his bandaid washed off in a few minutes . He didn 't come back for another one . Thursdays I work a really strange split shift and today I am at school , because I work too far away from home and I have nowhere better to go . Usually I don 't like sitting for hours , doing nothing , but today for once I just needed some time to vegetate . The day soon found me sprawled unconscious on the floor in an obscure corner of an almost forgotten hall of the university , with my arms tenderly around my laptop . If the people on the seventh floor of the library can do it , then why can 't I ? A few hours later , I was rudely awakened by the alarm clock on my cell phone , which I must have set earlier , knowing exactly how tired I was . My neck was stiff and my back was sore . There really aren 't any good places to sleep around here , and everyone is too concerned about paying for tuition to protest the lack of couches on campus . One day we will . . . After that , I decided to check out the new sushi place on campus , where the spicy tuna roll was good enough to make me cry . It was fairly cheap too , though because it was cheap , I ate a little too much and now I feel kind of sick . At the moment , I am sitting here in the courtyard in the AQ , watching the stupid yet amusing antics of some boys in the Science Al ! ve summer camp who are throwing waterbottles from heights and betting on which one will hit the ground first . They both land at the same time , and then the boys fight over who won the bet ( neither did ) . Then they get really animated while they argue and then engage in repeated rematches . It 's a pity that I am sans camera right now . They would be worth a picture . It isn 't weight but surface area of an object that determines how fast it falls . I 'm a communication major and even I knew that . I guess they 'll learn eventually , but maybe not today . They fight too much and already their instructors have shut them down . And now I 'm off to work again . Lucky me . Mornings are back to normal . Jen cranes her neck to see into the rear view mirror , trying hard to keep still enough through the traffic to put on her mascara . " He 's such a bastard , " she says , referring to her fiancée , " I gave up going to the bar with the other girls in the cul - de - sac to clean the house and then he comes home and says that the house is a mess . " I should tell him that the garden looks like shit . That 's what I 'll do . " I think it would be easier for them to break up now before they kill each other , but of course , I can 't say that . I just don 't see the point in marrying someone who you yell at constantly . They aren 't going to change after you marry them , so why bother if you hate them already ? The world needs less fighting , not more . I stumbled across the Complimenting Commenter 's blog quite by accident today . CC is well on the way to completing his / her goal of complimenting 3000 people through their blogs by the end of August . Yay for spreading blogosphere love . More non fireworks related pictures soon . I promise . " I just want to remind you that custom courseware is non - refundable , " she said , scanning the bar codes . " Yeah , I know , " I said glumly , handing her my card and hoping that she wouldn 't say the amount . I didn 't want to know . I walked out with the books I need for one class then surveyed the damage : $ 103 . And what , you ask , do you get for $ 103 ? David Lodge - Nice WorkIrvine Welsh - TrainspottingElizabeth Gaskell - North and SouthZoe Druick - CMNS - 223 Custom Courseware : Advertising as Social Communication Not much at all . Not much considering the fact that I still have to buy books for four more courses . Once again , I feel abused . I have a feeling that it 's not going to get any better . On a positive note , I have some new things to read for the rest of the summer . John arrived at work when I wasn 't there to say hi . He probably heard that I was working there from Mimi . For some reason or other , I had thought that he had moved far away . At first I thought he was an idiot for not calling , but then I realized that because I moved , he probably doesn 't have my phone number or email anymore . I should call him . Apparently there is going to be a zombie walk downtown on August 27 . Sweet ! Dear Sharon , I don 't understand you . You told my grandmother that you regret never having the chance to get to know me , and yet in all the times we have met in the past three years , you have chosen to treat me as if I do not exist . You dance around me as if I might bite . You hold me at arm 's length , a child to be seen and not heard . Do you want me to prostrate myself in front of you , begging for your attention ? I suppose I should try talking to you , but I don 't know what to say . I don 't know you well enough , and you don 't have any hobbies or interests that I can talk to you about . What am I supposed to say ? " So , how 's widowhood ? " " How did you like working thirty years in a mental institution ? " " I hear you 're beginning to regret that hysterectomy you got when you were 22 . " " Is there a reason why you 're shunning me , or are you just a bitch ? " No , I think it would be a lot easier if you just asked me about how my day was , but you can 't seem to do that , can you ? I just don 't understand . Sincerely , ErinPS . Happy birthday . My name is Erin . I have three cats and a hive of bees . I 'm studying communication and sustainable community development in Vancouver , BC . I am a 20something blogger . You can find me on Last . fm , Facebook , Ravelry , Twitter and Flickr . I 'm currently participating in Blog365 and x365 . I like hugs and people who subscribe to my feed . I also like emails : plastic . alligator at gmail dot com . |
Anna Aug 23 , 2013 Sep 1 , 2013 No Comments on Too Many Tears , part 3 Nurse Themba doesn 't say a word , she doesn 't need to . Instead she gathers me in her strong , comforting arms . I let myself fall to the weakness and I become limp and crumpled in her arms as I soak both of us in a shower of salty tears . Seconds pass and slide into minutes . After what feels like an eternity I let Nurse Themba lead me back out of the archives room , out of the staff only hallway and back into the waiting room . I still have the file clutched in my hand as Nurse Themba tells me to sit down in a chair and to rest a little before I open it . I wanted to cry some more , but we are in public and I had already cried myself dry . I looked around at some of the other people who were sitting in the waiting room . There really weren 't all that many . Just one other family . There was a napping grandpa , a mother , and two very young kids who I wonder if they even understood what was going on . I stood up and walked over to the desk . I couldn 't take it . I had to know what happened to mother , but first I wanted to see Maria . Locating Nurse Themba I walked over to her and asked her if she would accompany me to see my dear sister . Our eyes met and I could see a tear spring into her eyes . She slowly nodded and walked around the desk so that she could lead the way . I handed her Mother 's medical records to put in safekeeping . I wonder if she was watching me . Does she know that I have yet to open up the folder ? Or does she think that I have now found my answers ? Whatever the case might be she puts them in her desk , takes my hand with both of hers and leads me down the path that I now know so well to Maria 's room . No words are spoken until we get to the door when I whisper , " Stay , please ? " Once the door opens I have to let someone pass me . Someone was in the room visiting with Maria . Someone that I didn 't know , but she somehow looked familiar . Our eyes met and I could tell that whoever this person was , she cared for my sister because she had tears in her eyes . I walked steadily over to the bedside afraid of what I might see . On the walk over I was making myself be prepared for the worst . I looked into Maria 's once beautiful face that is now broken . I was pleasantly surprised . Though Maria looked no better , she did not look any worse . I bent over her and kissed her on the forehead , right where she would kiss me everynight when tucking me in . I thought I saw a slight smile appear on her face , but it was most likely wishful thinking for when I looked again , I saw the same face as when I walked in . A face so broken it is hard to tell that it is a face . A face that used to hide all bad emotions , but that now shows pain . A face that I can hardly recognize as my sister 's . I expected to cry , but nothing came out . My tears had all gone towards Mother today and I saved none for Maria . I left the room then with my head hanging low . There was nothing I else that I needed or wanted to do . I had said everything that I needed to already . It was time for me to accept that I was most likely going to be an only child fending for herself pretty soon . Nurse Themba looked at me as if about to ask a question , but when she saw my face closed her mouth once more . The hospital was silent that morning . Our feet as we walked back to the waiting room echoed loudly through out the hallway . I went straight behind the desk and grabbed the folder . Walking over to a table that was as far away from the other family and the other lady as possible I sat down and finally opened the folder . There was no doubt it was the right one . There was a picture of her in the hospital bed that looked to be identical to Maria . Even with Mother 's broken face in the picture I could tell that it was the same as Maria . The golden hair that shone in the sunlight that was streaming through the window . The mouth , though even in pain still curved upwards in a smile . The light brown eyes that sparkled even with them half closed . I held the picture close to my heart , hoping that it would bring Mother back . I even smelled the paper in hopes of catching a whiff of her lilac perfume . I finally put the picture down and picked up a document . I read it over carefully , I couldn 't believe my eyes . It was a copy of her birth certificate . Her full birth name was Naomi Helena Smith . I had no idea that I was named after my mother . How I wish that Papa had told me . Papa . The word filled my mind . Why did we call him Papa ? Papa is a title that you give someone who looks out for you , that loves you . Someone who will try everything to make you smile when you are down . My papa is none of that . He doesn 't deserve to be called Papa . Not by me . From now on I will refer to him as father or him . Papa is a title that you have to earn , something he is far from doing . I go back to looking at Mother 's file . There are lots of things in here that I didn 't know about her . Like how she broke the same bone in the same place multiple times when she was younger . Or how she had to get her tonsils removed when she was 14 because she had strep throat too many times . I didn 't have time to look at all of that though . I needed to find how she died . I shuffled through some papers . I found it . It was in the back of the file along with a newspaper clipping . Hundreds dead . First responders came quickly to the scene , but it was too late . The plane was already engulfed in flames and with so many people still on it too badly injured to get themselves out . Despite dedication the firefighters were not able to get everyone to safety . I couldn 't keep reading . This accident had happened exactly seven years ago to when Maria was hurt . The paper fluttered out of my hands and landed safely on the floor , unlike the plane was able to . Oh , my . Mother must have died in this plane crash . She must have been saved from the fire filled plane , but was too badly injured that she couldn 't hold on . I knew one answer , but I needed more . Why did Maria need to be put into the hospital ? How come she looked so similar to the pictures of Mother after the plane crash ? Maria was going to school , she wasn 't on a plane . If there was a school bus crash then surely I would have heard about it . The first day of school , she left after I did . That means that she would have missed her bus , but if she left right after me then she would still be able to make it if someone drove her . Maybe one of her friends picked her up and together they drove to school , but on the way they were in an accident . Then , what about the friend and the mom that drove ? Are they here ? Are they alright ? My head was swimming with possibilities , but I kept going back to the one where there was a car accident the morning of the first day of school . A person walked past my table , putting a piece of paper next to me . Hopeful that it was a note telling me it would be alright , or even giving me more information on Mother or Maria I opened it up and looked at the writing . " Oh , " I thought kind of disappointed to find that it was only the news article that I had dropped . I looked up to thank the person , but they were already gone . I looked around the room when I found someone who was watching me , but trying really hard not to show it . Figuring that it must have been her , I went over . Something about her looked familiar . It hit me , she was the woman who was coming out of Maria 's room when I went in . Even still , she looked familiar , like I saw her before today . " Sorry about Maria , Helena . " Okay , she knew my name . We have definitely met before , but where ? Reading my thoughts , " I am sure you don 't remember me , but I was Maria 's teacher last year . It is such a pity that two girls so young have to live in the condition that you do , and now for you . The hospitalization of your sister , who I know you love so much . If there is anything that you need just tell me . Hold on a second . It is the middle of the afternoon . Why aren 't you in school ? " " Well , I have had some friends , but only because they pity me . And it isn 't that hard at school anyways . I am focused on my school work and I don 't let my mind wonder about what goes on at home . " " Okay , that 's at school , but what about when you get home ? The weekends ? Winter break ? Summer break ? What do you do for the three months at home all by yourself ? " " Well , I am never alone . I have always had Maria . When I get home I do my homework then I help Maria keep the house somewhat organized . Then I read . Or if we happen to have any scrap pieces of paper I might write a little . The same on the weekends . During winter break , if we are lucky and have snow , I love to play in it . During summer break it does get harder , but you just have to be creative . Maria and I make it through the summer without too much boredom . " " Such a bright and creative mind like yours should not be wasted . You must go back to school . It intrigues me , what is it that you like to write ? " " Oh , not much . Just a little bit of poetry . It isn 't all that good though . I actually have a poem in my pocket . It is the one that I always have with me , I read it when I need some hope . Would you like to hear it ? " Miss Sherman nods . " Oh , my dear . This is wonderful . You have such an amazing talent and it must not go to waste . I 'm imploring you , do go back to school . " She gives me a hug with a kiss to the forehead before she stands up and leaves . I let her words sink in for a moment . I have made my decision , I am going back to school . I am now the only one left in the lobby save the nurses and other hospital workers . Deciding that I have already asked much of the hospital today I get up to go , but not before I ask Nurse Themba one last question . " Nurse Themba , " I say weakly , " did Maria get hurt by a car crash ? " She made a small nod . I began to turn around and walk towards the door , but I stopped myself and asked , " What about the other girl and her mother ? " " Thank you " I turned around and headed to the doors that were marked exit . I knew everything that I wanted to know . It all made sense now . My head began to race as I walked slowly home . It all makes sense now , the reason why the two pictures of Mother and Maria after their crash look so similar to one another . The reason why father also got really emotional that first night in the hospital . When father said that he didn 't want it to happen again , he was talking about not letting Maria die the same way as Mother , from a crash . Also , when we were in the car and he yelled at me for it being my fault , it now makes sense . It was my fault . Had Maria not wanted to make me a surprise breakfast and make the morning special for me , she would have left on time to get on the bus and she would have not been in the car when it crashed . With the weight of the new realization I hurried home , too ashamed that I was the one who caused this . I am never going back to the hospital . How am I going to face my sweet sister now that I know that it is my fault that she is dealing with all of this ? When I start to unlock the door I am surprised to find that it is already unlocked . That means one of two things . The first being that I left in so much of a hurry that I forgot to lock it , or father is home . If father is home then it could spell trouble for me . I manage to slip in undetected , so I decide to try my luck and find what father is up to , my guess is drinking . I could already smell the familiar pungent smell from the front door . I see father bent over at the waist leaning out of the window with a bottle in hand and with many more empty alcohol bottles on the floor , he must be sick from drinking so much . Tears begin to well up in my eyes , but before any could spill I saw father turn around . Not wanting father to know that I was spying on him I took a step back , so that the wall was hiding me , but I could still peer around the corner to watch . I watched father come back in , his eyes red and puffy . I watched as he threw yet another empty bottle into the pile . I watched as he grabbed another bottle and leaned back out the window . How many bottles has he gone through like this ? I have to put a stop to this . I start to go towards father , but stop myself . He has already finished that bottle and is reaching for another one . How did he finish that one bottle so quickly ? I stop breathing in hopes of being able to hear better . It sounded as if a sink was left on . Then I realized what father was doing . He was dumping out all of his stashed alcohol . Come to think of it , I had noticed that father smelled less like vulgar these past few days that Maria is in the hospital . I decided to let father be alone while he finished pouring out all of the bottles . Having had a very emotionally long day , I decided to go to bed without dinner . I had a small snack at the hospital and was still hungry , but I couldn 't let father know that I was here and that I saw what I just witnessed . " Helena , wait . I know that you are there , " shoot . I guess that I wasn 't as secretive as I had hoped . Though , I was hoping that now that father knew that I was here he would apologize . Apologize for everything that he has done and not done these past years , these long , hard years . " I thought that I raised you better . You know that you shouldn 't spy on people . " Not only did he not want to apologize , but he thought that he had any part in raising me and that he was the one to teach me manners . I didn 't bother saying anything in response , I was too tired to carry through with an argument . I headed up to bed , I had another big day tomorrow . I couldn 't fall asleep that night , I kept tossing and turning , worried what tomorrow would bring . Finally , I had fallen asleep around 2 a . m , but it was not peaceful sleep . I kept having nightmares about what the kids would say and do to me . Maybe the bliss of my first day had all been imagined . What if , what if Amika was imagined and she really wasn 't there ? ' No , ' I told myself . I couldn 't keep thinking about all of the what ifs . I had to go back to school tomorrow , it will be alright . Managing to get only an hour of decent sleep , made it hard to get up the following morning , but I did it . I got myself dressed and out the door ready in time to make the bus . If only Maria had made the bus the first day of school then none of his would have happened . Look on the bright side . If Maria had never been hurt I still wouldn 't know how Mother died and father would still be drinking . When I got to the bus stop everyone fell silent . All of their attention turned to me , but they realized that I didn 't want the attention and turned back to their friends and continued talking , about me most likely . The air seemed to change , though everyone was trying to pretend that it hadn 't and that nothing was different . A few parents came up to me and offered their condolences , but I hardly paid attention to them . I was too busy trying to find Amika . My fear from last night , that I had just imagined her , came back . Then I found her where I least expected her to be . Amika was hanging out with Ally and her group . I couldn 't believe her ! Anger started to bubble inside of me , like a volcano was about to erupt within . She saw me and her face lit up , she called me over to her . I wasn 't sure about that . Ally and I didn 't get along all that well . Though , Ally too turned around when she saw Amika waving like the crazy person that she is . Instead of a look of disgust that I was expecting when she saw me , she smiled a little . The bus pulled up , I got on , and sat in the same seat that I sat in on the first day , expecting to be by myself . I watched the people get on and go automatically to a certain seat . I saw the familiar bag that I knew belonged to Amika , I was curious where she was going to sit . I jumped a little when the bag landed on my seat and Amika followed , thinking that she would sit with Ally for sure . " What ? This is my seat too you know , " Amika offered with a smile . " Just because I am now friends with Ally it doesn 't mean that you aren 't still my best friend . What was I supposed to do while you were gone for two days , mope all day and not be happy ? I 'll let you know that I sat in this seat , " she said pointing to the bus seat , " everyday hoping that you will show up again . " " Well , here I am . Look I 'm sorry that I got mad at you at first when I saw you with Ally , but it has been really hard now . I 'm not sure that you know , but - " " Oh , really ? " Dropping my gaze into my lap , I was about to tell her that everyone knowing about Maria was not the half of it , but I decided against it . It best that she doesn 't know , it might dappen her happy mood . Amika was so happy to have me back at school . The whole bus ride she talked pretty much nonstop about what work I have missed and how hard it will be to catch up . She even caught me up to speed on all the new gossip . I have never been so happy to hear gossip before . " I can 't believe that I ever thought that you wouldn 't want me as a friend any more , or that you weren 't even real , " I said laughing a little . " What ! " Amika 's jaw dropped , " Why would you think I wouldn 't want to be your friend ? " She asked in all seriousness , then added in a lighter tone , " Or that I wasn 't even real ? " Amika gave a laugh and hugged me tight , " I will never leave you . This year will be amazing as long as we have each other at our side . And if you ever want to talk and cry without being judged , I 'm there . " I hugged Amika back , it felt so nice to have a friend that I could rely on . For the rest of the time on the bus Amika would not stop planning about how we were going to have the best year together . Even as we walked into the classroom Amika kept talking about all of the fun adventures that we were going to have together . When Miss Wilson had us go to work silently , that didn 't stop Amika . She kept writing notes then passing them to me under the table . I was worried that Miss Wilson would notice and then we would both be in trouble , at least that was not on Amika 's " To - Do " list . I would keep looking up periodically to see if Miss Wilson looked mad or angry at us , but she would just wink and smile . A few times she reminded us that we would have to turn in our sheets at the end of class even if we weren 't done . Every time she said it though she always ended up looking at me or Amika . I enjoyed being back at school , I was able to get my mind off things and clear it up that Amika really does care for me , and was real , and so does Miss Wilson . It was lunch time before I knew it . Without thinking twice I followed Amika through the crowd . She lead me over to the table where Ally usually sits , I wasn 't so sure about it , but Amika assured me that it was fine . Ally didn 't seem to be too mad , she didn 't look happy about it , but she didn 't make a fuss . I knew why , it was pity , well I wasn 't going to take it . Without making a big commotion , I stood up and found another table , I didn 't need pity , and definitely not from her . Without asking her too , Amika followed me over to my new seat . " You don 't have to do that , Amika . If you want to sit with Ally then go for it . " " No , it 's fine . I really didn 't like her anyways , she never included me , she just tolerated me being with them . Do you need some lunch ? " I nodded , I always needed food . It was nice to finally be with Amika again , and for her to share her delicious lunch with me . All too soon the bell rang and we had to go back to class . The afternoon was pretty much the same as the morning , me trying to get my work done and Amika slipping me notes with Miss Wilson pretending not to notice as long as we weren 't too loud and we got our work done . 2 : 35 , the end of the day . Every other kid ran out of the classroom , but I lingered behind a little . There was something that I needed to do . Miss Wilson came over to me and gave me a big hug , " It is so nice to see you again , Helena . Is there something that I can assist you with ? " I got outside of the classroom to see Amika waiting for me . Oh , no . I can 't have her following me , this is something that I must do alone . " No , I 'm sorry . There is something that I have to do , but it has to be done by myself . You have to trust me , and just get on the bus before it leaves without you . I give Amika a rushed hug and start walking away from school . She looks worried as she gets on the bus . I can 't help but think that I have been a terrible friend and she deserves so much better than me , but the fact that she sticks by me is why I love her like another sister . " Papa and I , we went to the cemetery only once after Mother 's death , and that was for the burial . I was only 6 at the time and didn 't really know what was going on . I only thought that she was going to be taking a nap in the earth , but would come join us soon . I didn 't realize that it would be us joining her one day . I had even brought along the perfume and sprayed the grave so that when she woke up she would still smell like herself . " - Maria Yesterday , when I was looking at the file I managed to find the cemetery that Mother was buried at . Now that I stand at the entrance I cannot move . I have never seen Mother 's burial sight and I am not sure that I want to . What if there is a ghost ? No , that is silly , ghosts aren 't real . Besides I blew off Amika to come here on my way home for school , I wasn 't going to stop now . I slowly make my way through the cemetery , being extra quiet as to not wake any spirits . I still wasn 't able to convince myself that there are no such things as ghosts . I thought that I was alone , but I saw a man in the distance looking down at a grave . I felt sorry for him , though I didn 't know him . I made my way over to him to comfort him if he needed any . The closer I got the more the shape seemed familiar . The description of the area also seemed like Maria 's description of the area around Mother 's grave . Could it be ? The man standing at the grave ? It was really father . I could not believe it , he really did care and still missed her . I crept up behind him and stood next to him also looking down at the grave . He looked at me , finally noticing that I joined him , " Naomi ? Is that you ? " father asked with love and care in his voice . " No , " he said shaking his head , " can 't be . " But even still , his wandering gaze never left me . " I think the same reason why you are here . To see Mother . " He nodded his head in agreement , but not another word was said . He mumbled some words under his breath , I couldn 't make out everything , but I did hear the words " Maria … hospital … scared … Helena … strong … love … miss you … " At that he looked up to the sky and turned around and left . Not knowing what else to do I kissed my hand and put it on Mother 's grave , got up and followed father out of the cemetery . I walked next to him , not knowing where we were going . Pretty soon I noticed where we were headed . When I thought we got we were going , father turned the wrong way . He started to turn as if he was headed to the bar , I gently put a hand on his arm to stop him , the most interaction we had the entire walk . He looked down into my face and nodded . He turned the other way and we headed into the hospital . I nodded to Nurse Themba as she was working the desk . I saw a smile spread across her face as she saw that I was with father . There was an unspoken agreement that we shared . We both knew that there was lots of healing that had to be done . Lots of arguments that were going to come up with the revealing of long - time hidden secrets . Lots of lost time to make up for . And that this will take lots of time . But , we also knew it was worth it . We walked down the hallway to the room that we both knew so well , room 230 . Again , on the walk down we didn 't interact with one another , but before we opened the door he paused . He bent down to match my height . And said , " I 'm sorry , Helena . " " Me too , Father . Me too . " He gathered me into his arms , where we both wept long and hard before either one of us moved . Finally , he was the one to stand up and he opened the door to Maria 's room . We entered together , ready to work through whatever life threw at us . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
WordPress . com refugees Basmane Fashion Star October 19 , 2016October 20 , 2016 fromizmirwithlovebasmane , bazaar , fashion , izmir , refugee crisis , refugee fashion , refugee photography , refugees , refugees in izmir , revi , syria , syrian refugees , turkeyLeave a comment I met " Laila " when I was an English teacher volunteering with ReVi ( Refugee Volunteers of Izmir . ) As usual , I came into the classroom a few minutes early . But this time , instead of finding the usual Arabic teacher commanding the class , I found a striking young woman with black eyes dancing wildly in front of captivated children . As she danced , the children danced . She danced to the left , then all the children followed her to the left . She danced right , and they followed her to the right . She gestured wildly and the sea of children before her , followed her movements with their arms . Then , when the song was over , she looked at me and said " Hello ! " and bolted out of the room . I soon found out that this dance instructor was also a journalist . Since then , Laila 's interviews with the Syrians of Izmir have been the main source for the articles I write . I hope that they will continue to be a source for my articles long after I leave . Along with being a dance instructor and a journalist , Laila is also a fashion diva . Every time I see her , she is wearing something completely insane and pulling it off like a boss . Like an ember that never goes out , dancing high into the night sky , she is a bright light in Basmane ; the large Syrian neighborhood here in Izmir , Turkey . I had wanted to interview Laila about her fashion for months , but the language barrier had always been a problem . Now , with her English improved , we were able to talk vogue . Before the interview , I met her and her mother after dance class , and the three of us walked up to her flat in the heart of Basmane . While she changed in and out various outfits , I talked with her mother in a mix of French , English , and Arabic . Laila periodically popped out of her room and re - translated and elaborated on our conversation for us . After capturing her three favourite outfits on film , we sat together and she explained the fashion to me . " This is a good summer outfit . It 's a ' blouza ' ( blouse ) and ' tanoura ' ( long skirt . ) The pattern of the skirt is ' zakhrafa ' which means something like , " old art . " When I wear this I feel happy and energized , and also relaxed because the shirt is light . It 's something I wear with friends . For example , last weekend I went shopping with my girlfriends and this was the outfit I wore . Now about the shoes . They are white , which is my favourite colour for shoes . I only wear these shoes with this skirt . I got these shoes , like most of my clothes , in Kameralti [ the gigantic bazaar close by . ] " " Yellow is my favourite colour . When I wear yellow , I feel energetic . It is the colour of the sun - of light . I usually like things simple and plain , which is what I like about the shirt . It 's feels light and free . I love jeans like this ; bedazzled , and ripped a little . I have many pairs of pants that are ripped like this . The shoes are not exclusive to this outfit . They 're great for any of my other yellow clothes . This is an outfit for everyday . " " I wear this outfit in winter because it keeps me warm when it 's cold out . I 'm happy in this outfit because it makes me feel like a princess . It could also use a necklace , but the necklace would need to be a dark colour , unlike the light necklaces I have . I like these shoes because they 're simple and the black matches well . This is a great outfit for parties and special occasions . This is what I wore on my birthday . " " I got this earring in Syria a long time ago - four years ago . I was 15 years old . I like the feeling of the feather , and the beads add to the old - style vintage look . It 's part of a pair , although the other earring of the pair is different . " " Since I was a little girl I 've always loved owls . I don 't have any brothers or sisters , so every time I was alone , like in the evenings , I felt alone like an owl . Also , she has black eyes , and I have black eyes . I got these earrings recently from a Syrian friend who lives in Istanbul . " Laila : My dad - NO . He didn 't like it , but now he 's OK with it . My mother 's fine with it . Laila : I don 't know , I was in the mall with my girlfriend , who also had a nose piercing , and I saw a place where I could get it done . So , I got a small and simple nose piercing . I don 't like them big , just small and simple and black like the owl eyes . [ Glasses with fake plastic lenses ] " I had real glasses in Syria but my prescription has changed . Now I wear contacts with the correct prescription . But I like glasses with big frames , so I have these fake ones that I wear with my contacts . " Basmane Fashion Star The Twelfth Try October 16 , 2016 fromizmirwithlovebasmane , border crossing , border wall , children , free syrian army , fsa , isis , izmir , refugees , refugees in izmir , revi , syria , syrian civil war , syrian dinner , syrian food , syrian women , turkeyLeave a comment It was a typical late afternoon in Basmane . The crumbling buildings echoed with the shouting of children and laughter from football matches in the street . Above us , women threw gossip at each other from between apartment windows . I had impulsively decided to work with ReVi ( Refugee Volunteers of Izmir ) that afternoon , and I wasn 't regretting it for a second . As our volunteer group made the rounds , going from household to household , I absent - mindedly chatted about Russian politics with a new recruit . Sometimes children followed us , interrupting , speaking in clipped English phrases . " Hello ! What - is - your - name ? Where - are - you - from ? How - are - you ? How - are - you ? " It had been a week since I had come here , and it was nice to be back . The family sat us down in a large room , devoid of furniture besides a TV and piles of cushions against the walls . As the rest of the family trickled into the room , we got to talking about the usual things . The household 's health , education , and employment are always our biggest concerns . Overall , this family was doing well . By the time the small talk was over , there were twenty people lining the room around us , not including the babies . We had taken out colouring supplies and bubbles for the children . The vibe was warm , so nobody was in a hurry for us to leave . " And now we will hear his story , " informed a Syrian friend that was translating for us . The man ( I will call him " Ali " ) had fled with his family from Raqqa , a city located in the central - north of Syria . Today Raqqa is the capital of the Islamic State , also known as ISIS . As a consequence , the area is under attack by every side of this many - sided war . Fleeing Raqqa is not an easy thing to do . ISIS has forbidden anyone from leaving the city , and will pursue those who try to escape . It also requires sneaking through an active war zone , and past all the de - facto borders that each side has created . Ali casually mentioned that he had to constantly drug his children so they wouldn 't make noise during their journey . " We escaped Raqqa through an olive orchard and eventually made it to the Syrian - Turkish border . We waited until one or two in the morning and then the smugglers told us to go . We ran through the forest . There were maybe … a hundred or two hundred of us . The Turkish border guards heard us and started shooting . At first I thought they were warning shots but I 'm fairly certain I saw some people get hit by the bullets and crash into the ground as they ran . My family and I made it across the border into Turkey and we were picked up by some smuggler 's vans . After packing us into the vans , they drove off . But there was a car pursuing us . The driver worried that it was the car of Turkish border guards . He drove very erratically and then dropped us off close to a grove of trees in the middle of nowhere . He told us to hide . We tried to hide , but the guards found us and took us to a gymnasium that had been converted into a prison for refugees . Eventually , we would be held in this gymnasium eight separate times . I celebrated Eid [ an important Muslim holiday ] in this gymnasium prison . After spending a day or two in the prison , we were shipped back to Syria . The whole thing seemed suspicious . It felt like a set up . As if the smugglers and Turkish border guards were in communication . Now we would have to cross the border again . [ The smugglers usually charge a lot of money to help people cross the border each time . ] " Ali went on to tell us of other attempts to journey to Basmane . Sometimes the Turkish guards would catch them . Once ISIS caught them . Another time it was the Free Syrian Army . " The Free Syrian Army let us go , but told us it was really dangerous where we were , and to take my family further along the border wall before crossing . We walked along the wall and found a ladder . Unfortunately there wasn 't a ladder on the other side of the wall . We all had to jump from the top of the wall , which was three meters high . While we crossed through the forest on the other side , the Turkish border guards must have heard something because they were searching the forest with flashlights . We tried to hide behind the trees . At one point a guard was on the other side of the tree that I was hiding behind . I didn 't breathe . The guards didn 't find us , and after some hours while they were rotating their shift , we ran through the forest to get to the road [ where the smugglers were waiting . ] The smugglers put us into the vans as usual . When we were driving , something went wrong . The driver was driving so erratically that I thought the van would tip over . Then the driver dropped us off in the middle of nowhere . He told us there was a village down the road and to find protection there . We went down the road and found some stables to hide in . After sleeping in the stables , we went to the village . In the village , the Turkish people chased us and yelled horrible things at us . They said we were dirty and we were ruining Turkey and things like that . Soon , the border guards came and arrested us . We were put back into the gymnasium prison and sent back to Syria . " After his twelfth attempt , Ali and his family were able to make it to Basmane and tell us his story . I asked him if I could write it down . He said I should make a film instead . By the time Ali had finished his story , the late afternoon had become late evening . We thanked the family for their hospitality and started packing our things to leave . Suddenly a woman appeared with a large tray of hot drinks for us . Usually families will offer us Syrian coffee or tea , but this time they had made a warm pudding with cinnamon poured over it . It tasted like Christmas . We continued talking and laughing long after the drinks were finished . The children had drawn elaborate pictures with the colouring supplies and spread them over the ground for us to see . Late evening had become true night . Still feeling warm and fuzzy from the spiced drinks , we finally got up and thanked the family again for their hospitality . Then the family invited us for dinner . Half and hour later we were all eating our fill of incredible Syrian food . The food was so good that we couldn 't stop talking about food . We took turns going around the room talking about our favourite Syrian dishes . When the men spoke about their favourites , their gestures became grandiose . Using their arms to measure larger and larger imaginary meals , as a fisherman measures his best catches , they recounted where to find the best ingredients and dishes in Raqqa , and then Syria in general . When the meal had finished and the woman had cleared the plates , we talked a little business with the main woman of the house . ReVi is always trying to find ways to utilize the skills of refugees in order to help them economically . With a baby on her breast , we worked out with her the best way to set up a small project with her . True night had become truely late . Finally , finally ; full of warmth and happiness , we filed out of the house . As we were saying our goodbyes , one of the girls who had made the journey here with Ali , grabbed our female volunteer . " We should be friends ! " she exclaimed happily in perfect , unaccented , English . " Please come again and we can have fun together ! " The Twelfth Try The Children of Basmane August 12 , 2016August 12 , 2016 fromizmirwithlovebasmane , child labor , children , izmir , kurdish , Nancy Ajram , photography , refugee crisis , refugee photography , refugees , syria , syrian refugees , trucker , turkey , yazidiLeave a comment This summer I spent more time in Izmir 's Syrian neighborhood of Basmane than anywhere else . One of the reasons I like Basmane so much is that it 's one of the most diverse places in Turkey . The population of Basmane consists almost entirely of refugees from every part of Syria . This means I can have coffee with an atheist Yazidi Kurdish intellectual from a mountain city , and go next door and have coffee with an Arab devout Muslim trucker from a tiny village in the middle of the desert . One of Basmane 's brightest stars is Nour , a 19 year old Syrian woman . I met Nour while I was teaching at a volunteer - run school for Syrian children . She was the dance teacher . I was the English teacher . Later , I heard that she also wrote for the Arabic facebook page of ReVi , which is the organization that we volunteer under . ( You can find more information about ReVi here . ) A couple months ago ReVi started a project where we gave children disposable cameras . The children took photos throughout their neighborhood . An idea for a book sprung from this project . To give the photos more context , we decided to interview the children of Basmane . These are the articles Nour wrote . According to everyone who has read Nours writing , she has a unique style , and it 's very beautiful . As an editor , I hope I have done these articles justice . Note : I have changed all the names of the children . Nadia was a shy 10 year old child who was full of dreams . When I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up , she told me she wanted to be a famous singer like Arabic popstar Nancy Ajram . " She 's my idol , " said Nadia . We talked a lot . I started the interview with a question about her friends . Nadia : I have one friend here . They 're Syrian like me . I don 't have any Turkish friends . I don 't think the Turkish people have love for me . Nadia then started talking about the photography project they did . " I was so happy when we were running through Izmir 's streets and taking photos . It was a really great day . When I saw the photos I felt proud of myself . I want to have another day like that . " Nadia : I was studying in Syria . I wanted to keep going to school there , but because of the war , I couldn 't . I also study here but I 'm not happy . Nadia : I don 't know why . Maybe I 'm afraid . Maybe I can 't cope . I got the feeling that she was scared in general , not just about school . Everything for her was unknown . She didn 't have confidence in herself . I changed the subject back to Syria . Nadia : I hope everything is beautiful in Syria . I don 't want to see children without education , or crying . I want to see everybody happy . Enough war . I don 't want to see people carrying weapons . I just want to plant love and flowers . Aysha , ten years old , told me that she loves reading and writing , but she 's still a beginner . She dreamed of being a teacher for children . She has four friends in Izmir , all of them Syrian . She loves them very much . Aysha had a lot of things to say about the war , violence , and sadness because she had direct experience with them . I was struck by her intelligence , clarity , and maturity . She talked like an adult , or maybe better . She told me about everything she saw in the war . " There was killing , blood , violence , right in front of me . Everything was so difficult . In the beginning I was afraid of everything , but eventually what I saw gave me strength instead of weakness . I have a lot of faith in Syria . I think it will go back to like it was before the war . Just like with me , the terrible things that Syria has witnessed will make it stronger . But it 's still hard to watch right now . I don 't watch the news because I don 't want to see my homeland like this . I want to see it be beautiful again . " After that , we talked about Aysha 's situation in Turkey . She explained the difference between life in Syria and life in Turkey . " My life here is not beautiful . Turkish language is not beautiful . It 's hard . I can 't learn it . As for school , I can 't learn there either . " I asked her , " Why ? What 's stopping you ? " She replied , " The world here doesn 't love me . We are Syrians and [ the Turkish people ] try to shame me for it . They want me to be embarrassed because I 'm from Syria . But I 'm not embarrassed . Never ! I am proud that I 'm Syrian . So many Turkish children give us a hard time . When they see a Syrian , they shout bad words . That makes me feel angry . I don 't want to stay here . My only dream is to come back to my homeland . I don 't want anything else . " Kemal was a fifteen year old young man who traveled from his home in Syria , to Izmir , Turkey . In Syria he studied up to the ninth grade , but couldn 't go further because he had to flee the war . He still dreams of becoming a nurse . In the future he wants to build a medical center . When I first started talking to him , I felt that he was closed off . I couldn 't be sure , but there seemed to be a certain sadness in his eyes . It was like there were many things inside him that were sad and painful . We start talking about his job and how employers and others treated him . " My job is to sew . Most of the Syrians who are living in Turkey work in this field . " He talked about how hard is it to work in Turkey , and the difference between Syria and Turkey . He saw big difference in treatment between the Turkish laborers and Syrian laborers . " A Syrian laborer is not allowed to do anything , but it 's exactly the opposite of the Turkish workers . In Syria there was time for everything . We could work , study , relax , have fun , etc . But in Turkey most of the time is spent working . It 's unfulfilling but I have to do it ! " I asked him why he had to work so hard . His answer surprised me . " I am alone here . My family isn 't with me . They are still in Syria . I talk to them once a month because the internet is so poor right now . That 's why I can 't contact my family . I 've been away from them for nine months now . " He had been holding back from crying , but wasn 't able to control himself after saying , " I really miss my family . " It is really affected me to see someone who misses their family so much , without being able to contact them . Kemal began talking with me about his thoughts of going back to Syria , but an auntie intervened , not letting him talk about that . I persisted , asking him , " Why did you decide to go back to Syria ? " He told me , " It isn 't enough for me to be near my family . I don 't want to just send them money every month , I want to go to my home with this money . " The Children of Basmane Nour July 12 , 2016 fromizmirwithloveanarchist collective , arab talk , basmane , border crossing , closed borders , criminal law , Damascus , didim , Farmakonisi , izmir , mafia , nour , Palestinian , Qamishli , refugee crisis , refugees , smugglers , syria , syrian war , turkey , united nations , yarmouk3 Comments I met Nour at an anarchist collective in Basmane which serves as an unofficial hub for volunteers . For a couple months we would see each other from time to time and talk briefly , since I was always in a rush off to somewhere . The first thing I noticed about Nour was her English . Her English was remarkably good . The way she used it had an uncompromising sharpness to it , as if the words she used were still bright and fresh ; untarnished by over generalization or cliche . Nour also had an unusually good memory . Sometimes I would see her weeks apart but she would pick up the conversation exactly where we had left off . Nour was a quiet child , the youngest , and the only girl of four siblings . The first thing she told me about her childhood was that she was spoiled . " Growing up , I had a laptop , video games , dolls , a phone … so many things . " One night her mother bought her a kite . She couldn 't wait to play with it , so that night she ran through the streets flying her kite . Nour also had a bike and would ride it everywhere . For fun , she would go to the store for her neighbors and bring them back food using her bike . The neighbors tried to pay for her bike service . But Nour would deny their payment . " It was just for fun , " says Nour . Nour was a sensitive child . She would break down and cry when other children were mean to her . If she saw a sick animal , she would take it in the house and care for it . She particularly hated seeing hurt animals . " Actually , I 'm still like this , " Nour admits while pointing at the scraggly cats outside her window of her home in Basmane . Like many sensitive children , Nour was also intelligent . Once her whole family went to a big park in Damascus , Syria 's capital city . There were lots of tall trees and enormous bushes . While playing , her and her cousins got lost . Scared and disoriented , the children around her started panicking . Nour calmed the group , telling them , " Don 't worry , we 'll find a way back . " She was then able to remember a sign she saw while they were playing . She recalled the sign like a photograph , and used the memory to guide the other children back to her family . For as long as she could remember , Nour was always like that . Her parents recognized her intelligence and put her on a path to become a doctor or lawyer . Nour grew up a big apartment in Yarmouk , is a Palestinian neighborhood close to Damascus . Her father had a successful dry cleaning business . It was part of a famous chain called , " Snow White . " Yarmouk before the war . Photo : https : / / alexioskonstantos . wordpress . com / Yarmouk was the kind of neighborhood in which children played freely on the street . Nour spent her childhood outside playing soccer , hopscotch , and hide and seek . She and the neighborhood children went to a special school for Palestinians set up by the UN free schools program . It was supposed to be only for Palestinians , but because it was better than normal Syrian school , sometimes Syrians would secretly go there too . One day , on her way to school Nour met a British man who worked for the British Council . His name was Michael , but she just called him , Mike . " Mike was tall and blonde , and very kind . Very cool , " Nour recalls . When he would see her , he would give her candy or biscuits . Once he gave her a Brain Adams tape . Nour still remembers the words to that tape . After around three months , Mike disappeared . Nour knocked on his door but nobody answered . " I knocked and knocked but there was nobody . He probably moved back to England . I was so sad . " Like many children , things changed for Nour when she started going to middle school . She had to leave her elementary school , which meant leaving her friends . She was lonely . Sometimes she got bored . She would ask to go the bathroom and skip class instead . The teachers said she was smart , but she hated school . High school wasn 't different . She hated that too . " I didn 't learn anything there , " says Nour . " The school was dirty and the principal was frightening . " The girls were naughty and the principal punished everyone collectively . The principal would hit the girls . " It was an awful place . " Nour would skip class a lot , but that hurt her grades . When she did stay in class , she only listened and didn 't participate . However , outside of class , Nour was became interested in everything . She studied German and took a class in first aid . During this time , the Second Intifada was raging in Palestine and she wanted to be in the resistance . She held meetings . In addition to studying German , Nour went to an American school to learn English . She still remembers Barbara , the American principal of the English school . " She was so sweet . I loved her so much . She was the opposite of the principal of her Syrian school ! " Nour also became interested in boys . Worrying for her future , her family wanted to put a veil on her , but she refused . " There was one boy who fell in love with me to the extent that he was stalking me , " recalls Nour . " But I didn 't care . I didn 't love him back . " By Nour 's last year in high school , her grades went from bad to worse , to the extent that she couldn 't graduate . But her family wouldn 't give up on their only daughter . Upon not graduating , they sent Nour to a private school . Seizing upon this blank slate , Nour decided to turn her life around . She went from skipping class to studying all night . " Once I stayed up studying for two nights in a row without sleeping . " In the private school she graduated first in her class . Everyone was surprised . They suspected that she had cheated . " But I didn 't , I just studied ! " exclaims Nour laughing . After graduating legitimately , Nour was able to go to university . In the beginning , she refused to be distracted by men , focussing solely on her studies . Her father and brothers warned her not to , ' go to anyone 's home or car . ' She thought this was a good idea and decided to always follow this advice . In her second year their advice was put to its first test when she met a Syrian man . " We actually met online , " said Nour , somewhat quietly . Nour 's friends had showed her a site called , Arab Talk . She started going there regularly , just to talk with people , but wound up meeting someone especially interesting . " After three or four months we fell in love . " Following her family 's advice , she never went home with him but sometimes they would meet at a restaurant . Eventually the man met Nour 's parents but , " They weren 't into him . They told me , ' You can do better . You 're going to become a lawyer . ' " His family didn 't like Nour either . She was Palestinian and he was Syrian , which members of both families had a problem with . Particularly the man 's mother . Nour 's boyfriend was the jealous type . He wanted her to wear a veil , and didn 't want her to wear makeup . He also didn 't want her to have a Facebook account . Nour didn 't have an account , but through a friend , she saw his profile . Then she understood . " His profile was full of girls and he was clearly cheating on me . " Nour was heartbroken . " I cried so much because of that guy . " In her third year of university , Nour began to focus on criminal law . When she was a girl , she had read Agatha Christie . " Her investigations were a big inspiration for me , " she says . Nour wanted to eventually become a judge , a job that would suit her strong personality and rationality . Recalling her decision , Nour explains , " I had ideas about developing my country . I believe countries should be built with fairness . The world would be better if it could be fair . " Nour eventually wanted to become a judge for the United Nations . On the final exam for her third year she got 96 / 100 . " I tried so hard to get 100 % ! But the professors never actually give 100 % . That 's their style . " says Nour . During her fourth year of university , the first signs of war came to Nour 's neighborhood . " When the protests began , nobody knew that war would follow . " According to Nour , when a protest went through her neighborhood the police did nothing until someone shot at them . Then the police returned fire . The shooting continued until 2 : 00am . In the coming weeks things only heated up . " When the first bomb exploded people ran out of their apartments to try to find where the sound came from . People were shouting , but just as when she was a child in the park , she wasn 't scared . " To be honest , I didn 't care that much , " admits Nour . Things were different when more violence came to her neighborhood . She felt faint . " Everybody was hiding . There was fighting . There was gunfire . The sounds of automatic weapons echoed across the buildings . There were also heavier weapons , like the kind of weapons that attach to cars . " The buildings shook from the noise and the shelling . The power went out . Nour looked out her window and saw that the battle was directly under her building . After six hours it finally stopped . Soon after that , Nour was at her university waiting to meet up with her friends . She had been waiting for a while . " I kept wondering , ' Where are they ? Where are they ? ' Then I saw them . They were flying . Then I woke up in the hospital . " In the hospital Nour didn 't appear too hurt from the shell that had killed her friends , but she had a high fever . " Something was seriously wrong with me . My muscles were feeling weaker every day . " The doctors decided that the fever had moved into her nerves . They did an operation to try to save her nerves , but after the operation , Nour was unable to move her feet , wrists , and hands . From that day forward , she has been unable to walk or use her hands . In the hospital she became extremely depressed . Her hands and feet were curled and paralyzed . Her friends had been killed in front of her . " I had a fiance who left me after hearing about my condition . I was so tired . " Her mood was black . The doctors worried about her and sent her to Lebanon . Her mother and one of her brothers , who had been hurt by a separate explosion , came with her . In Lebanon , Nour moved to a Palestinian area . Technically it was an old Palestinian " refugee camp . " In reality , it was more like a poor suburb . As the months and then years passed by , and the war in Syria became worse , Nour refused to abandon her dreams . " If I stopped caring about my future , I would whither away . " says Nour . She repeated this many times throughout the interview . Nour still wanted to complete her school and become a judge . She was only four classes away from graduating . However , now she had the added complication of needing an operation to fix her hands and feet . " The only place I can get this kind of operation is Europe , " explains Nour . Unfortunately , being Palestinian as well as being a refugee , banned her from using any kind of legitimate travel options . Currently , our international legal system has removed all obstacles for the Western college student who want to spend their spring break partying in Berlin , but locked out the college student who needs to finish their studies to become a judge in a nation in need of justice , as well as an operation to save her feet and hands . Nour couldn 't fly straight from Lebanon to Turkey , so she had to go back to Syria first . It was a little tricky because of the travel restrictions for Palestinians , but she was able to find a way for her mother , her brother , and her to do it . Her first stop was Damascus . After three years she was finally back home , but she couldn 't stay . If the rest of her family knew that she was in Damascus , they would prevent her from going further . " They knew how dangerous it was . I couldn 't even say , ' hello ' to them . It was so hard . " From Damascus , Nour , her mother , and her brother , flew to Qamishli ; a border city between Syria and Turkey . In Qamishli they joined a group of 35 - 40 people . A lot of the group consisted of children . The smugglers gave them a little food , though it had gone bad . There was no bathroom , especially not for people who couldn 't use their legs , and Nour was also on her period . They stayed there for a night waiting for the smugglers to tell the group when and and where to go . The smugglers told the group they would have a 10 - 15 minute window in which they could travel . They warned the group , ' If you fall , get up right away . If you see someone fall , just keep running . You don 't have time to stop . ' The man carrying Nour wasn 't sure if he could make it in time . The smugglers also told them that the route was through a minefield , so they had to twist and turn through the wilderness in a specific way to avoid the mines . Nour became afraid and got a fever . Suddenly the smugglers told them to go . The first man carrying her fell down twice . He hurt his hand . Nour was passed to another man . She was carried over his shoulder . It wasn 't very comfortable . Then she was passed to another . She recalls , " We could hear the Turkish border patrol coming so we all laid down . The patrol didn 't see us . " Finally , they were able to cross the border into Turkey . Smugglers immediately packed them into a windowless minibus and drove to Mardin , a Turkish city close - by . The bus was designed to hold 20 people , but 40 of them had been packed in . In the bus Nour couldn 't breath well , but she was so happy to have crossed the border . The smugglers told them , " Tomorrow you 'll be in Izmir . The next day , you 'll be in Greece . After that , Germany . " It sounded so simple , but the border crossing took a toll on her frail mother . Nour 's mother became sick and disoriented . Nour couldn 't leave her . Her friends left with the smugglers the next day . " They are living in Germany and the Netherlands now . They call me sometimes . " says Nour in a matter - of - fact tone . After her mother recovered , a relative that told them to go to the coastal city of Didim , which was only 11 . 5 kilometers away from the Greek island of Farmakonisi . The relative told them that he would help them find a smuggler to Farmakonisi . They stayed in Didim in a hotel , waiting night after night . After waiting for 12 nights , they decided to go to Izmir to find a smuggler themselves . In Izmir , they were able to find another smuggler , and joined with a group of 50 refugees . When night fell , they were led to a boat . It took the group an hour to walk to the boat . On the walk , Nour was carried by a Turkish man . " He was very scared . I could tell it was his first time doing this kind of thing . " When the group reached the boat , it was obvious that it was far too small to hold them . There were 50 people , including children and babies , but it could only fit around 20 . The driver of the boat told them they had no choice but to get in . The only alternative was to go back into the forest " … but the forest had dangerous animals and mafia prowling it , " explains Nour . Overcrowded boat . Photo : www . genf . diplo . de The smugglers draped Nour on the side of the boat and tied her legs together to keep them from flailing . She was very uncomfortable . " I prayed because I thought that this could be the last [ hour ] of my life . " After the boat starting moving , Nour started checking the GPS on her phone . She realized they weren 't going to Greece . " We were just going along the coast ! We spent 30 minutes along the coast of Turkey . I think the boat driver was too scared to go to Greece . " After half an hour , the driver thought he heard the Turkish Coast Guard coming . He panicked and crashed the boat against the rocks . The overcrowded boat quickly began filling with cold winter sea water . The driver jumped into the sea and swam away . Other men did the same . Those who couldn 't swim away began screaming . " We were sinking into the rocks , but I wasn 't scared . Believe me , I wasn 't scared . " After 30 minutes , the Turkish Coast Guard actually came . The Coast Guard and the refugees tried speaking to each other , but nobody could understand because of the language barrier . " All I understood them say was , ' No Greece . ' " After the Coast Guard rescued what was left of the group , they were taken to a detention center . " We were wet and it was cold . They made us sit on the floor , which was also cold . We were made to sit there for 12 hours ; wet , cold , and starving . I realized I had lost everything in the boat crash : my passport , my papers , my clothes , everything . I had nothing left . " After being released , the Turkish guards told the group that they were free to leave , but not to try to go to Greece again . Nour told them , " Of course I won 't leave . I love Turkey . " After the failed attempt to go to Greece , most of the group went to Izmir to get their money back from the smugglers . The smugglers were reluctant to comply until a rich man in the group was able to make some convincing threats . With most of their money back , the group went back to Didim and found a different smuggler . " A deal was made and we were put into a hotel room . We had to stay very quiet there . We couldn 't turn on the light at night , and in the day there wasn 't much light our room . There were no windows . " Again , a small windowless bus came to pick the group up . But this time Nour couldn 't get in the bus . She was claustrophobic . " I just couldn 't go in . " She recalls . " It was made to fit 15 people , but there were 40 of us . " Her mother went in the bus , but the smugglers decided to put Nour into a separate car . " This would have been OK , " says Nour , " except the driver wasn 't sober . He had brought his girlfriend along and they were drinking together . What should have been a short drive took an hour . We drove through strange back - streets and weird places . " Nour finally made it to the boat , but before they could take off , they heard the police coming . They ran into the forest . " We could see that the police were looking for us . We stayed still in the forest . It was so cold . Then we could hear the mafia looking for us . We knew it was the mafia because they acted and sounded different . " … We could see their flashlights searching the forest for us . We got down and hid . " While they were hiding , Nour could hear the howls of wolves and wild dogs . She was especially worried that a snake would find her in the darkness . " We weren 't sure what to do . We decided to walk back . Since we came by car we knew it would be a long walk back , especially in the forest . " Her mother had to carry Nour and she fell many times . Her brother tried to carry her , but being weak from a bomb explosion in Syria , he also fell . " After walking for hours like this we saw yellow lights . It was a house ! We approached the house and we were attacked by guard dogs . " Suddenly the guard dogs were called off . A man approached the group . " He saw that there were children with us and hurried us into his house . Being in the house was wonderful . It was so warm . So , so , warm . … The man of the house told us how dangerous this area was . He told us that there were , ' Lots of mafia and wild animals . ' … He drove us the hour back to Didim . " Back in Didim , Nour 's relative introduced the family to a different smuggler . By this time , the borders between Greece and Europe were closing completely , so people were getting desperate , including the Arab workers of the smugglers . Unusually , the Arab smugglers would be travelling with them the whole way to Europe , because this was also their last chance to escape . On the journey to the boat , an Iraqi man carried Nour . In the darkness of the forest at night , he thought Nour was a boy . " It was better he thought I was a boy , if you know what I mean . " recalls Nour . " The man kept telling me , ' Don 't be scared , don 't be scared , ' but the smugglers were carrying weapons to protect us against the mafia , which scared me . " When they got to the boat , Nour was put in the center . Someone was sitting on her legs , which was painful , but she didn 't want to say anything because if they tried to change positions , they might rock the boat and collapse it . After they set off to Greece , something went wrong and they spun in circles for while . After that , the motor died . People began to panic . They were saying the boat was sinking , though Nour could see that it wasn 't . Their panicking however , did start to collapse the boat . Things were getting dangerous . The Coast Guard eventually found them and brought them back to the same detention center . This time the group was held for two days . Again , they had to sit on the freezing floor . Again , in wet clothes . Again , without food . " We were so hungry . … Then the guards told us they were going to send us to a hotel . Instead , they put us on a bus that drove for eight hours . We were still without food . … and they began beating people . They beat a two year old child for playing . I was sure they were going to beat me as well . " Nour began to feel sick and faint again . When the bus reached Izmir , they dropped everyone off on the street and drove away . Soon after , a smuggler took Nour and her family into an apartment . He told them he could take them to Greece . They gave him the last of their money and he ran off with it . " We had no money left so we had to sleep on the street in Basmane . " Her brother and mother were frail . They were defenseless . It was a dark time . Then an Arab journalist discovered the family and put them in a hotel . A Norwegian journalist was also able to help . " Things are better now but I still don 't know how I 'm going to pay the rent this month . " says Nour . Two months ago , a man from the anarchist collective was brought to the family . He introduced the collective to Nour and her brother . Describing the collective Nour says , " They has helped me so much . They don 't have money , but they do their best . There are people from different countries and they have different skills . It 's nice to hang out there , and it helps me improve my English . … they don 't treat me like a ' refugee . ' When I 'm there , I 'm just a friend . … Sometimes we hang out there , sometimes we leave Basmane together and get some fresh air by the sea . " Since living on the street , there is no doubt that Nour is in a better place now . A friend has set up a crowdfunding page to help her raise funds so she can legitimately get to Germany , get her operation , and complete her Law degree . ( Which you can find here : https : / / www . youcaring . com / noor - oghlo - 592524 ) A British doctor has recently visited Nour and told her that with help she , " is likely that she could make a full recovery . " Other volunteers and friends ( usually volunteer - turned - friends ) have started looking for other ways to help her . She is also fortunate in that her mother is also the best cook in Basmane . When speaking of Nour , there is a universal love for her . She has a way of bringing everyone together and putting a smile on their faces . One volunteer - turned - friend writes , " [ Nour ] is one of the smartest and most vibrant people I met during the month and a half I just spent in Turkey . " Another writes , “… after the bombs , the fleeing , after crossing the formidably lethal Turkish border and having her dinghy sink on her way to Greece in the night , she 'll tell you in perfect English with a smile on her face that these hurdles just make things a little more exciting . " However , while the support of friends and volunteers is good to have , it never lasts long . Both of these friends have left Turkey since meeting Nour . As will I , and all the other volunteers she meets in Turkey . Luck and fortune in Basmane is relative . While Nour has the support of an international group of kind - hearted people , she still doesn 't know how she 's going to pay the rent this month . At the moment this future judge still balances on the fine line between living in the street , or sleeping with a pillow . |
WordPress . com syria Basmane Fashion Star October 19 , 2016October 20 , 2016 fromizmirwithlovebasmane , bazaar , fashion , izmir , refugee crisis , refugee fashion , refugee photography , refugees , refugees in izmir , revi , syria , syrian refugees , turkeyLeave a comment I met " Laila " when I was an English teacher volunteering with ReVi ( Refugee Volunteers of Izmir . ) As usual , I came into the classroom a few minutes early . But this time , instead of finding the usual Arabic teacher commanding the class , I found a striking young woman with black eyes dancing wildly in front of captivated children . As she danced , the children danced . She danced to the left , then all the children followed her to the left . She danced right , and they followed her to the right . She gestured wildly and the sea of children before her , followed her movements with their arms . Then , when the song was over , she looked at me and said " Hello ! " and bolted out of the room . I soon found out that this dance instructor was also a journalist . Since then , Laila 's interviews with the Syrians of Izmir have been the main source for the articles I write . I hope that they will continue to be a source for my articles long after I leave . Along with being a dance instructor and a journalist , Laila is also a fashion diva . Every time I see her , she is wearing something completely insane and pulling it off like a boss . Like an ember that never goes out , dancing high into the night sky , she is a bright light in Basmane ; the large Syrian neighborhood here in Izmir , Turkey . I had wanted to interview Laila about her fashion for months , but the language barrier had always been a problem . Now , with her English improved , we were able to talk vogue . Before the interview , I met her and her mother after dance class , and the three of us walked up to her flat in the heart of Basmane . While she changed in and out various outfits , I talked with her mother in a mix of French , English , and Arabic . Laila periodically popped out of her room and re - translated and elaborated on our conversation for us . After capturing her three favourite outfits on film , we sat together and she explained the fashion to me . " This is a good summer outfit . It 's a ' blouza ' ( blouse ) and ' tanoura ' ( long skirt . ) The pattern of the skirt is ' zakhrafa ' which means something like , " old art . " When I wear this I feel happy and energized , and also relaxed because the shirt is light . It 's something I wear with friends . For example , last weekend I went shopping with my girlfriends and this was the outfit I wore . Now about the shoes . They are white , which is my favourite colour for shoes . I only wear these shoes with this skirt . I got these shoes , like most of my clothes , in Kameralti [ the gigantic bazaar close by . ] " " Yellow is my favourite colour . When I wear yellow , I feel energetic . It is the colour of the sun - of light . I usually like things simple and plain , which is what I like about the shirt . It 's feels light and free . I love jeans like this ; bedazzled , and ripped a little . I have many pairs of pants that are ripped like this . The shoes are not exclusive to this outfit . They 're great for any of my other yellow clothes . This is an outfit for everyday . " " I wear this outfit in winter because it keeps me warm when it 's cold out . I 'm happy in this outfit because it makes me feel like a princess . It could also use a necklace , but the necklace would need to be a dark colour , unlike the light necklaces I have . I like these shoes because they 're simple and the black matches well . This is a great outfit for parties and special occasions . This is what I wore on my birthday . " " I got this earring in Syria a long time ago - four years ago . I was 15 years old . I like the feeling of the feather , and the beads add to the old - style vintage look . It 's part of a pair , although the other earring of the pair is different . " " Since I was a little girl I 've always loved owls . I don 't have any brothers or sisters , so every time I was alone , like in the evenings , I felt alone like an owl . Also , she has black eyes , and I have black eyes . I got these earrings recently from a Syrian friend who lives in Istanbul . " Laila : My dad - NO . He didn 't like it , but now he 's OK with it . My mother 's fine with it . Laila : I don 't know , I was in the mall with my girlfriend , who also had a nose piercing , and I saw a place where I could get it done . So , I got a small and simple nose piercing . I don 't like them big , just small and simple and black like the owl eyes . [ Glasses with fake plastic lenses ] " I had real glasses in Syria but my prescription has changed . Now I wear contacts with the correct prescription . But I like glasses with big frames , so I have these fake ones that I wear with my contacts . " Basmane Fashion Star The Twelfth Try October 16 , 2016 fromizmirwithlovebasmane , border crossing , border wall , children , free syrian army , fsa , isis , izmir , refugees , refugees in izmir , revi , syria , syrian civil war , syrian dinner , syrian food , syrian women , turkeyLeave a comment It was a typical late afternoon in Basmane . The crumbling buildings echoed with the shouting of children and laughter from football matches in the street . Above us , women threw gossip at each other from between apartment windows . I had impulsively decided to work with ReVi ( Refugee Volunteers of Izmir ) that afternoon , and I wasn 't regretting it for a second . As our volunteer group made the rounds , going from household to household , I absent - mindedly chatted about Russian politics with a new recruit . Sometimes children followed us , interrupting , speaking in clipped English phrases . " Hello ! What - is - your - name ? Where - are - you - from ? How - are - you ? How - are - you ? " It had been a week since I had come here , and it was nice to be back . The family sat us down in a large room , devoid of furniture besides a TV and piles of cushions against the walls . As the rest of the family trickled into the room , we got to talking about the usual things . The household 's health , education , and employment are always our biggest concerns . Overall , this family was doing well . By the time the small talk was over , there were twenty people lining the room around us , not including the babies . We had taken out colouring supplies and bubbles for the children . The vibe was warm , so nobody was in a hurry for us to leave . " And now we will hear his story , " informed a Syrian friend that was translating for us . The man ( I will call him " Ali " ) had fled with his family from Raqqa , a city located in the central - north of Syria . Today Raqqa is the capital of the Islamic State , also known as ISIS . As a consequence , the area is under attack by every side of this many - sided war . Fleeing Raqqa is not an easy thing to do . ISIS has forbidden anyone from leaving the city , and will pursue those who try to escape . It also requires sneaking through an active war zone , and past all the de - facto borders that each side has created . Ali casually mentioned that he had to constantly drug his children so they wouldn 't make noise during their journey . " We escaped Raqqa through an olive orchard and eventually made it to the Syrian - Turkish border . We waited until one or two in the morning and then the smugglers told us to go . We ran through the forest . There were maybe … a hundred or two hundred of us . The Turkish border guards heard us and started shooting . At first I thought they were warning shots but I 'm fairly certain I saw some people get hit by the bullets and crash into the ground as they ran . My family and I made it across the border into Turkey and we were picked up by some smuggler 's vans . After packing us into the vans , they drove off . But there was a car pursuing us . The driver worried that it was the car of Turkish border guards . He drove very erratically and then dropped us off close to a grove of trees in the middle of nowhere . He told us to hide . We tried to hide , but the guards found us and took us to a gymnasium that had been converted into a prison for refugees . Eventually , we would be held in this gymnasium eight separate times . I celebrated Eid [ an important Muslim holiday ] in this gymnasium prison . After spending a day or two in the prison , we were shipped back to Syria . The whole thing seemed suspicious . It felt like a set up . As if the smugglers and Turkish border guards were in communication . Now we would have to cross the border again . [ The smugglers usually charge a lot of money to help people cross the border each time . ] " Ali went on to tell us of other attempts to journey to Basmane . Sometimes the Turkish guards would catch them . Once ISIS caught them . Another time it was the Free Syrian Army . " The Free Syrian Army let us go , but told us it was really dangerous where we were , and to take my family further along the border wall before crossing . We walked along the wall and found a ladder . Unfortunately there wasn 't a ladder on the other side of the wall . We all had to jump from the top of the wall , which was three meters high . While we crossed through the forest on the other side , the Turkish border guards must have heard something because they were searching the forest with flashlights . We tried to hide behind the trees . At one point a guard was on the other side of the tree that I was hiding behind . I didn 't breathe . The guards didn 't find us , and after some hours while they were rotating their shift , we ran through the forest to get to the road [ where the smugglers were waiting . ] The smugglers put us into the vans as usual . When we were driving , something went wrong . The driver was driving so erratically that I thought the van would tip over . Then the driver dropped us off in the middle of nowhere . He told us there was a village down the road and to find protection there . We went down the road and found some stables to hide in . After sleeping in the stables , we went to the village . In the village , the Turkish people chased us and yelled horrible things at us . They said we were dirty and we were ruining Turkey and things like that . Soon , the border guards came and arrested us . We were put back into the gymnasium prison and sent back to Syria . " After his twelfth attempt , Ali and his family were able to make it to Basmane and tell us his story . I asked him if I could write it down . He said I should make a film instead . By the time Ali had finished his story , the late afternoon had become late evening . We thanked the family for their hospitality and started packing our things to leave . Suddenly a woman appeared with a large tray of hot drinks for us . Usually families will offer us Syrian coffee or tea , but this time they had made a warm pudding with cinnamon poured over it . It tasted like Christmas . We continued talking and laughing long after the drinks were finished . The children had drawn elaborate pictures with the colouring supplies and spread them over the ground for us to see . Late evening had become true night . Still feeling warm and fuzzy from the spiced drinks , we finally got up and thanked the family again for their hospitality . Then the family invited us for dinner . Half and hour later we were all eating our fill of incredible Syrian food . The food was so good that we couldn 't stop talking about food . We took turns going around the room talking about our favourite Syrian dishes . When the men spoke about their favourites , their gestures became grandiose . Using their arms to measure larger and larger imaginary meals , as a fisherman measures his best catches , they recounted where to find the best ingredients and dishes in Raqqa , and then Syria in general . When the meal had finished and the woman had cleared the plates , we talked a little business with the main woman of the house . ReVi is always trying to find ways to utilize the skills of refugees in order to help them economically . With a baby on her breast , we worked out with her the best way to set up a small project with her . True night had become truely late . Finally , finally ; full of warmth and happiness , we filed out of the house . As we were saying our goodbyes , one of the girls who had made the journey here with Ali , grabbed our female volunteer . " We should be friends ! " she exclaimed happily in perfect , unaccented , English . " Please come again and we can have fun together ! " The Twelfth Try The Children of Basmane August 12 , 2016August 12 , 2016 fromizmirwithlovebasmane , child labor , children , izmir , kurdish , Nancy Ajram , photography , refugee crisis , refugee photography , refugees , syria , syrian refugees , trucker , turkey , yazidiLeave a comment This summer I spent more time in Izmir 's Syrian neighborhood of Basmane than anywhere else . One of the reasons I like Basmane so much is that it 's one of the most diverse places in Turkey . The population of Basmane consists almost entirely of refugees from every part of Syria . This means I can have coffee with an atheist Yazidi Kurdish intellectual from a mountain city , and go next door and have coffee with an Arab devout Muslim trucker from a tiny village in the middle of the desert . One of Basmane 's brightest stars is Nour , a 19 year old Syrian woman . I met Nour while I was teaching at a volunteer - run school for Syrian children . She was the dance teacher . I was the English teacher . Later , I heard that she also wrote for the Arabic facebook page of ReVi , which is the organization that we volunteer under . ( You can find more information about ReVi here . ) A couple months ago ReVi started a project where we gave children disposable cameras . The children took photos throughout their neighborhood . An idea for a book sprung from this project . To give the photos more context , we decided to interview the children of Basmane . These are the articles Nour wrote . According to everyone who has read Nours writing , she has a unique style , and it 's very beautiful . As an editor , I hope I have done these articles justice . Note : I have changed all the names of the children . Nadia was a shy 10 year old child who was full of dreams . When I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up , she told me she wanted to be a famous singer like Arabic popstar Nancy Ajram . " She 's my idol , " said Nadia . We talked a lot . I started the interview with a question about her friends . Nadia : I have one friend here . They 're Syrian like me . I don 't have any Turkish friends . I don 't think the Turkish people have love for me . Nadia then started talking about the photography project they did . " I was so happy when we were running through Izmir 's streets and taking photos . It was a really great day . When I saw the photos I felt proud of myself . I want to have another day like that . " Nadia : I was studying in Syria . I wanted to keep going to school there , but because of the war , I couldn 't . I also study here but I 'm not happy . Nadia : I don 't know why . Maybe I 'm afraid . Maybe I can 't cope . I got the feeling that she was scared in general , not just about school . Everything for her was unknown . She didn 't have confidence in herself . I changed the subject back to Syria . Nadia : I hope everything is beautiful in Syria . I don 't want to see children without education , or crying . I want to see everybody happy . Enough war . I don 't want to see people carrying weapons . I just want to plant love and flowers . Aysha , ten years old , told me that she loves reading and writing , but she 's still a beginner . She dreamed of being a teacher for children . She has four friends in Izmir , all of them Syrian . She loves them very much . Aysha had a lot of things to say about the war , violence , and sadness because she had direct experience with them . I was struck by her intelligence , clarity , and maturity . She talked like an adult , or maybe better . She told me about everything she saw in the war . " There was killing , blood , violence , right in front of me . Everything was so difficult . In the beginning I was afraid of everything , but eventually what I saw gave me strength instead of weakness . I have a lot of faith in Syria . I think it will go back to like it was before the war . Just like with me , the terrible things that Syria has witnessed will make it stronger . But it 's still hard to watch right now . I don 't watch the news because I don 't want to see my homeland like this . I want to see it be beautiful again . " After that , we talked about Aysha 's situation in Turkey . She explained the difference between life in Syria and life in Turkey . " My life here is not beautiful . Turkish language is not beautiful . It 's hard . I can 't learn it . As for school , I can 't learn there either . " I asked her , " Why ? What 's stopping you ? " She replied , " The world here doesn 't love me . We are Syrians and [ the Turkish people ] try to shame me for it . They want me to be embarrassed because I 'm from Syria . But I 'm not embarrassed . Never ! I am proud that I 'm Syrian . So many Turkish children give us a hard time . When they see a Syrian , they shout bad words . That makes me feel angry . I don 't want to stay here . My only dream is to come back to my homeland . I don 't want anything else . " Kemal was a fifteen year old young man who traveled from his home in Syria , to Izmir , Turkey . In Syria he studied up to the ninth grade , but couldn 't go further because he had to flee the war . He still dreams of becoming a nurse . In the future he wants to build a medical center . When I first started talking to him , I felt that he was closed off . I couldn 't be sure , but there seemed to be a certain sadness in his eyes . It was like there were many things inside him that were sad and painful . We start talking about his job and how employers and others treated him . " My job is to sew . Most of the Syrians who are living in Turkey work in this field . " He talked about how hard is it to work in Turkey , and the difference between Syria and Turkey . He saw big difference in treatment between the Turkish laborers and Syrian laborers . " A Syrian laborer is not allowed to do anything , but it 's exactly the opposite of the Turkish workers . In Syria there was time for everything . We could work , study , relax , have fun , etc . But in Turkey most of the time is spent working . It 's unfulfilling but I have to do it ! " I asked him why he had to work so hard . His answer surprised me . " I am alone here . My family isn 't with me . They are still in Syria . I talk to them once a month because the internet is so poor right now . That 's why I can 't contact my family . I 've been away from them for nine months now . " He had been holding back from crying , but wasn 't able to control himself after saying , " I really miss my family . " It is really affected me to see someone who misses their family so much , without being able to contact them . Kemal began talking with me about his thoughts of going back to Syria , but an auntie intervened , not letting him talk about that . I persisted , asking him , " Why did you decide to go back to Syria ? " He told me , " It isn 't enough for me to be near my family . I don 't want to just send them money every month , I want to go to my home with this money . " The Children of Basmane Nour July 12 , 2016 fromizmirwithloveanarchist collective , arab talk , basmane , border crossing , closed borders , criminal law , Damascus , didim , Farmakonisi , izmir , mafia , nour , Palestinian , Qamishli , refugee crisis , refugees , smugglers , syria , syrian war , turkey , united nations , yarmouk3 Comments I met Nour at an anarchist collective in Basmane which serves as an unofficial hub for volunteers . For a couple months we would see each other from time to time and talk briefly , since I was always in a rush off to somewhere . The first thing I noticed about Nour was her English . Her English was remarkably good . The way she used it had an uncompromising sharpness to it , as if the words she used were still bright and fresh ; untarnished by over generalization or cliche . Nour also had an unusually good memory . Sometimes I would see her weeks apart but she would pick up the conversation exactly where we had left off . Nour was a quiet child , the youngest , and the only girl of four siblings . The first thing she told me about her childhood was that she was spoiled . " Growing up , I had a laptop , video games , dolls , a phone … so many things . " One night her mother bought her a kite . She couldn 't wait to play with it , so that night she ran through the streets flying her kite . Nour also had a bike and would ride it everywhere . For fun , she would go to the store for her neighbors and bring them back food using her bike . The neighbors tried to pay for her bike service . But Nour would deny their payment . " It was just for fun , " says Nour . Nour was a sensitive child . She would break down and cry when other children were mean to her . If she saw a sick animal , she would take it in the house and care for it . She particularly hated seeing hurt animals . " Actually , I 'm still like this , " Nour admits while pointing at the scraggly cats outside her window of her home in Basmane . Like many sensitive children , Nour was also intelligent . Once her whole family went to a big park in Damascus , Syria 's capital city . There were lots of tall trees and enormous bushes . While playing , her and her cousins got lost . Scared and disoriented , the children around her started panicking . Nour calmed the group , telling them , " Don 't worry , we 'll find a way back . " She was then able to remember a sign she saw while they were playing . She recalled the sign like a photograph , and used the memory to guide the other children back to her family . For as long as she could remember , Nour was always like that . Her parents recognized her intelligence and put her on a path to become a doctor or lawyer . Nour grew up a big apartment in Yarmouk , is a Palestinian neighborhood close to Damascus . Her father had a successful dry cleaning business . It was part of a famous chain called , " Snow White . " Yarmouk before the war . Photo : https : / / alexioskonstantos . wordpress . com / Yarmouk was the kind of neighborhood in which children played freely on the street . Nour spent her childhood outside playing soccer , hopscotch , and hide and seek . She and the neighborhood children went to a special school for Palestinians set up by the UN free schools program . It was supposed to be only for Palestinians , but because it was better than normal Syrian school , sometimes Syrians would secretly go there too . One day , on her way to school Nour met a British man who worked for the British Council . His name was Michael , but she just called him , Mike . " Mike was tall and blonde , and very kind . Very cool , " Nour recalls . When he would see her , he would give her candy or biscuits . Once he gave her a Brain Adams tape . Nour still remembers the words to that tape . After around three months , Mike disappeared . Nour knocked on his door but nobody answered . " I knocked and knocked but there was nobody . He probably moved back to England . I was so sad . " Like many children , things changed for Nour when she started going to middle school . She had to leave her elementary school , which meant leaving her friends . She was lonely . Sometimes she got bored . She would ask to go the bathroom and skip class instead . The teachers said she was smart , but she hated school . High school wasn 't different . She hated that too . " I didn 't learn anything there , " says Nour . " The school was dirty and the principal was frightening . " The girls were naughty and the principal punished everyone collectively . The principal would hit the girls . " It was an awful place . " Nour would skip class a lot , but that hurt her grades . When she did stay in class , she only listened and didn 't participate . However , outside of class , Nour was became interested in everything . She studied German and took a class in first aid . During this time , the Second Intifada was raging in Palestine and she wanted to be in the resistance . She held meetings . In addition to studying German , Nour went to an American school to learn English . She still remembers Barbara , the American principal of the English school . " She was so sweet . I loved her so much . She was the opposite of the principal of her Syrian school ! " Nour also became interested in boys . Worrying for her future , her family wanted to put a veil on her , but she refused . " There was one boy who fell in love with me to the extent that he was stalking me , " recalls Nour . " But I didn 't care . I didn 't love him back . " By Nour 's last year in high school , her grades went from bad to worse , to the extent that she couldn 't graduate . But her family wouldn 't give up on their only daughter . Upon not graduating , they sent Nour to a private school . Seizing upon this blank slate , Nour decided to turn her life around . She went from skipping class to studying all night . " Once I stayed up studying for two nights in a row without sleeping . " In the private school she graduated first in her class . Everyone was surprised . They suspected that she had cheated . " But I didn 't , I just studied ! " exclaims Nour laughing . After graduating legitimately , Nour was able to go to university . In the beginning , she refused to be distracted by men , focussing solely on her studies . Her father and brothers warned her not to , ' go to anyone 's home or car . ' She thought this was a good idea and decided to always follow this advice . In her second year their advice was put to its first test when she met a Syrian man . " We actually met online , " said Nour , somewhat quietly . Nour 's friends had showed her a site called , Arab Talk . She started going there regularly , just to talk with people , but wound up meeting someone especially interesting . " After three or four months we fell in love . " Following her family 's advice , she never went home with him but sometimes they would meet at a restaurant . Eventually the man met Nour 's parents but , " They weren 't into him . They told me , ' You can do better . You 're going to become a lawyer . ' " His family didn 't like Nour either . She was Palestinian and he was Syrian , which members of both families had a problem with . Particularly the man 's mother . Nour 's boyfriend was the jealous type . He wanted her to wear a veil , and didn 't want her to wear makeup . He also didn 't want her to have a Facebook account . Nour didn 't have an account , but through a friend , she saw his profile . Then she understood . " His profile was full of girls and he was clearly cheating on me . " Nour was heartbroken . " I cried so much because of that guy . " In her third year of university , Nour began to focus on criminal law . When she was a girl , she had read Agatha Christie . " Her investigations were a big inspiration for me , " she says . Nour wanted to eventually become a judge , a job that would suit her strong personality and rationality . Recalling her decision , Nour explains , " I had ideas about developing my country . I believe countries should be built with fairness . The world would be better if it could be fair . " Nour eventually wanted to become a judge for the United Nations . On the final exam for her third year she got 96 / 100 . " I tried so hard to get 100 % ! But the professors never actually give 100 % . That 's their style . " says Nour . During her fourth year of university , the first signs of war came to Nour 's neighborhood . " When the protests began , nobody knew that war would follow . " According to Nour , when a protest went through her neighborhood the police did nothing until someone shot at them . Then the police returned fire . The shooting continued until 2 : 00am . In the coming weeks things only heated up . " When the first bomb exploded people ran out of their apartments to try to find where the sound came from . People were shouting , but just as when she was a child in the park , she wasn 't scared . " To be honest , I didn 't care that much , " admits Nour . Things were different when more violence came to her neighborhood . She felt faint . " Everybody was hiding . There was fighting . There was gunfire . The sounds of automatic weapons echoed across the buildings . There were also heavier weapons , like the kind of weapons that attach to cars . " The buildings shook from the noise and the shelling . The power went out . Nour looked out her window and saw that the battle was directly under her building . After six hours it finally stopped . Soon after that , Nour was at her university waiting to meet up with her friends . She had been waiting for a while . " I kept wondering , ' Where are they ? Where are they ? ' Then I saw them . They were flying . Then I woke up in the hospital . " In the hospital Nour didn 't appear too hurt from the shell that had killed her friends , but she had a high fever . " Something was seriously wrong with me . My muscles were feeling weaker every day . " The doctors decided that the fever had moved into her nerves . They did an operation to try to save her nerves , but after the operation , Nour was unable to move her feet , wrists , and hands . From that day forward , she has been unable to walk or use her hands . In the hospital she became extremely depressed . Her hands and feet were curled and paralyzed . Her friends had been killed in front of her . " I had a fiance who left me after hearing about my condition . I was so tired . " Her mood was black . The doctors worried about her and sent her to Lebanon . Her mother and one of her brothers , who had been hurt by a separate explosion , came with her . In Lebanon , Nour moved to a Palestinian area . Technically it was an old Palestinian " refugee camp . " In reality , it was more like a poor suburb . As the months and then years passed by , and the war in Syria became worse , Nour refused to abandon her dreams . " If I stopped caring about my future , I would whither away . " says Nour . She repeated this many times throughout the interview . Nour still wanted to complete her school and become a judge . She was only four classes away from graduating . However , now she had the added complication of needing an operation to fix her hands and feet . " The only place I can get this kind of operation is Europe , " explains Nour . Unfortunately , being Palestinian as well as being a refugee , banned her from using any kind of legitimate travel options . Currently , our international legal system has removed all obstacles for the Western college student who want to spend their spring break partying in Berlin , but locked out the college student who needs to finish their studies to become a judge in a nation in need of justice , as well as an operation to save her feet and hands . Nour couldn 't fly straight from Lebanon to Turkey , so she had to go back to Syria first . It was a little tricky because of the travel restrictions for Palestinians , but she was able to find a way for her mother , her brother , and her to do it . Her first stop was Damascus . After three years she was finally back home , but she couldn 't stay . If the rest of her family knew that she was in Damascus , they would prevent her from going further . " They knew how dangerous it was . I couldn 't even say , ' hello ' to them . It was so hard . " From Damascus , Nour , her mother , and her brother , flew to Qamishli ; a border city between Syria and Turkey . In Qamishli they joined a group of 35 - 40 people . A lot of the group consisted of children . The smugglers gave them a little food , though it had gone bad . There was no bathroom , especially not for people who couldn 't use their legs , and Nour was also on her period . They stayed there for a night waiting for the smugglers to tell the group when and and where to go . The smugglers told the group they would have a 10 - 15 minute window in which they could travel . They warned the group , ' If you fall , get up right away . If you see someone fall , just keep running . You don 't have time to stop . ' The man carrying Nour wasn 't sure if he could make it in time . The smugglers also told them that the route was through a minefield , so they had to twist and turn through the wilderness in a specific way to avoid the mines . Nour became afraid and got a fever . Suddenly the smugglers told them to go . The first man carrying her fell down twice . He hurt his hand . Nour was passed to another man . She was carried over his shoulder . It wasn 't very comfortable . Then she was passed to another . She recalls , " We could hear the Turkish border patrol coming so we all laid down . The patrol didn 't see us . " Finally , they were able to cross the border into Turkey . Smugglers immediately packed them into a windowless minibus and drove to Mardin , a Turkish city close - by . The bus was designed to hold 20 people , but 40 of them had been packed in . In the bus Nour couldn 't breath well , but she was so happy to have crossed the border . The smugglers told them , " Tomorrow you 'll be in Izmir . The next day , you 'll be in Greece . After that , Germany . " It sounded so simple , but the border crossing took a toll on her frail mother . Nour 's mother became sick and disoriented . Nour couldn 't leave her . Her friends left with the smugglers the next day . " They are living in Germany and the Netherlands now . They call me sometimes . " says Nour in a matter - of - fact tone . After her mother recovered , a relative that told them to go to the coastal city of Didim , which was only 11 . 5 kilometers away from the Greek island of Farmakonisi . The relative told them that he would help them find a smuggler to Farmakonisi . They stayed in Didim in a hotel , waiting night after night . After waiting for 12 nights , they decided to go to Izmir to find a smuggler themselves . In Izmir , they were able to find another smuggler , and joined with a group of 50 refugees . When night fell , they were led to a boat . It took the group an hour to walk to the boat . On the walk , Nour was carried by a Turkish man . " He was very scared . I could tell it was his first time doing this kind of thing . " When the group reached the boat , it was obvious that it was far too small to hold them . There were 50 people , including children and babies , but it could only fit around 20 . The driver of the boat told them they had no choice but to get in . The only alternative was to go back into the forest " … but the forest had dangerous animals and mafia prowling it , " explains Nour . Overcrowded boat . Photo : www . genf . diplo . de The smugglers draped Nour on the side of the boat and tied her legs together to keep them from flailing . She was very uncomfortable . " I prayed because I thought that this could be the last [ hour ] of my life . " After the boat starting moving , Nour started checking the GPS on her phone . She realized they weren 't going to Greece . " We were just going along the coast ! We spent 30 minutes along the coast of Turkey . I think the boat driver was too scared to go to Greece . " After half an hour , the driver thought he heard the Turkish Coast Guard coming . He panicked and crashed the boat against the rocks . The overcrowded boat quickly began filling with cold winter sea water . The driver jumped into the sea and swam away . Other men did the same . Those who couldn 't swim away began screaming . " We were sinking into the rocks , but I wasn 't scared . Believe me , I wasn 't scared . " After 30 minutes , the Turkish Coast Guard actually came . The Coast Guard and the refugees tried speaking to each other , but nobody could understand because of the language barrier . " All I understood them say was , ' No Greece . ' " After the Coast Guard rescued what was left of the group , they were taken to a detention center . " We were wet and it was cold . They made us sit on the floor , which was also cold . We were made to sit there for 12 hours ; wet , cold , and starving . I realized I had lost everything in the boat crash : my passport , my papers , my clothes , everything . I had nothing left . " After being released , the Turkish guards told the group that they were free to leave , but not to try to go to Greece again . Nour told them , " Of course I won 't leave . I love Turkey . " After the failed attempt to go to Greece , most of the group went to Izmir to get their money back from the smugglers . The smugglers were reluctant to comply until a rich man in the group was able to make some convincing threats . With most of their money back , the group went back to Didim and found a different smuggler . " A deal was made and we were put into a hotel room . We had to stay very quiet there . We couldn 't turn on the light at night , and in the day there wasn 't much light our room . There were no windows . " Again , a small windowless bus came to pick the group up . But this time Nour couldn 't get in the bus . She was claustrophobic . " I just couldn 't go in . " She recalls . " It was made to fit 15 people , but there were 40 of us . " Her mother went in the bus , but the smugglers decided to put Nour into a separate car . " This would have been OK , " says Nour , " except the driver wasn 't sober . He had brought his girlfriend along and they were drinking together . What should have been a short drive took an hour . We drove through strange back - streets and weird places . " Nour finally made it to the boat , but before they could take off , they heard the police coming . They ran into the forest . " We could see that the police were looking for us . We stayed still in the forest . It was so cold . Then we could hear the mafia looking for us . We knew it was the mafia because they acted and sounded different . " … We could see their flashlights searching the forest for us . We got down and hid . " While they were hiding , Nour could hear the howls of wolves and wild dogs . She was especially worried that a snake would find her in the darkness . " We weren 't sure what to do . We decided to walk back . Since we came by car we knew it would be a long walk back , especially in the forest . " Her mother had to carry Nour and she fell many times . Her brother tried to carry her , but being weak from a bomb explosion in Syria , he also fell . " After walking for hours like this we saw yellow lights . It was a house ! We approached the house and we were attacked by guard dogs . " Suddenly the guard dogs were called off . A man approached the group . " He saw that there were children with us and hurried us into his house . Being in the house was wonderful . It was so warm . So , so , warm . … The man of the house told us how dangerous this area was . He told us that there were , ' Lots of mafia and wild animals . ' … He drove us the hour back to Didim . " Back in Didim , Nour 's relative introduced the family to a different smuggler . By this time , the borders between Greece and Europe were closing completely , so people were getting desperate , including the Arab workers of the smugglers . Unusually , the Arab smugglers would be travelling with them the whole way to Europe , because this was also their last chance to escape . On the journey to the boat , an Iraqi man carried Nour . In the darkness of the forest at night , he thought Nour was a boy . " It was better he thought I was a boy , if you know what I mean . " recalls Nour . " The man kept telling me , ' Don 't be scared , don 't be scared , ' but the smugglers were carrying weapons to protect us against the mafia , which scared me . " When they got to the boat , Nour was put in the center . Someone was sitting on her legs , which was painful , but she didn 't want to say anything because if they tried to change positions , they might rock the boat and collapse it . After they set off to Greece , something went wrong and they spun in circles for while . After that , the motor died . People began to panic . They were saying the boat was sinking , though Nour could see that it wasn 't . Their panicking however , did start to collapse the boat . Things were getting dangerous . The Coast Guard eventually found them and brought them back to the same detention center . This time the group was held for two days . Again , they had to sit on the freezing floor . Again , in wet clothes . Again , without food . " We were so hungry . … Then the guards told us they were going to send us to a hotel . Instead , they put us on a bus that drove for eight hours . We were still without food . … and they began beating people . They beat a two year old child for playing . I was sure they were going to beat me as well . " Nour began to feel sick and faint again . When the bus reached Izmir , they dropped everyone off on the street and drove away . Soon after , a smuggler took Nour and her family into an apartment . He told them he could take them to Greece . They gave him the last of their money and he ran off with it . " We had no money left so we had to sleep on the street in Basmane . " Her brother and mother were frail . They were defenseless . It was a dark time . Then an Arab journalist discovered the family and put them in a hotel . A Norwegian journalist was also able to help . " Things are better now but I still don 't know how I 'm going to pay the rent this month . " says Nour . Two months ago , a man from the anarchist collective was brought to the family . He introduced the collective to Nour and her brother . Describing the collective Nour says , " They has helped me so much . They don 't have money , but they do their best . There are people from different countries and they have different skills . It 's nice to hang out there , and it helps me improve my English . … they don 't treat me like a ' refugee . ' When I 'm there , I 'm just a friend . … Sometimes we hang out there , sometimes we leave Basmane together and get some fresh air by the sea . " Since living on the street , there is no doubt that Nour is in a better place now . A friend has set up a crowdfunding page to help her raise funds so she can legitimately get to Germany , get her operation , and complete her Law degree . ( Which you can find here : https : / / www . youcaring . com / noor - oghlo - 592524 ) A British doctor has recently visited Nour and told her that with help she , " is likely that she could make a full recovery . " Other volunteers and friends ( usually volunteer - turned - friends ) have started looking for other ways to help her . She is also fortunate in that her mother is also the best cook in Basmane . When speaking of Nour , there is a universal love for her . She has a way of bringing everyone together and putting a smile on their faces . One volunteer - turned - friend writes , " [ Nour ] is one of the smartest and most vibrant people I met during the month and a half I just spent in Turkey . " Another writes , “… after the bombs , the fleeing , after crossing the formidably lethal Turkish border and having her dinghy sink on her way to Greece in the night , she 'll tell you in perfect English with a smile on her face that these hurdles just make things a little more exciting . " However , while the support of friends and volunteers is good to have , it never lasts long . Both of these friends have left Turkey since meeting Nour . As will I , and all the other volunteers she meets in Turkey . Luck and fortune in Basmane is relative . While Nour has the support of an international group of kind - hearted people , she still doesn 't know how she 's going to pay the rent this month . At the moment this future judge still balances on the fine line between living in the street , or sleeping with a pillow . |
Wow , I 've had a lot going on the past week or so . I thought that with each passing day , being back at work would be a bit easier , but it in fact has been more difficult . Work itself has been good . In fact , work is probably the best thing I had going for me this past week . It is no secret that my mother - in - law watches my children while the husband and I work . She 's great with the kids and my toddler truly loves being with her and granddaddy . When I was pregnant with my first son , she called and asked us if she could babysit . She practically interviewed for the job . It was very sweet and my husband and I agreed that she would be the best person to take care of our child . When we found out we were pregnant with the second , we practically told her before I had finished peeing on the stick . We needed to know if she wanted to watch both ( because not only does she have our two children but she also babysits one of her other grandchildren ) . She of course was ecstatic about the pregnancy and the new grandchild on the way and said she wanted to watch our two and the other grandchild - no problem ! She told us if she ever decided not to continue babysitting , she would give us at least six months to a year of notice . She would not and still will not take any money for it either , but we buy her nice things and help her and my father - in - law out with things around the house as much as possible . I must also mention that my MIL is a borderline hoarder . If you 've watched TLC 's Hoarding , think about one of the lesser cases they portray . That 's her . There are a number of reasons as to why she holds onto things . She 's been in the antique business for a number of years . When she initially started to collect , it was all supposed to be for the business . But , all of the stuff she bought kept coming into the house … and it got worse and worse . So bad that there was barely anywhere to sit when we went to her house to visit . We had to crawl over things to get to the kitchen table for family dinners , and we would trip over things in the foyer when walking in the house . My husband and his siblings would talk to her and help her clean up a bit and for a short while , the house would look nice again . Sadly , it wouldn 't take long to become a mess again . But , it was supposedly all for the business . Another reason we believe she holds onto things is because she does not own her own home . She lives in her deceased mother in law 's home . She was the primary caretaker for her own MIL for many years . She did everything for her . She did things for her that no one else would do . Her MIL passed away last year , and at first , my MIL cleaned up the house , painted , put in some new carpet , and appeared to be making it her own . It was starting to look good . It wasn 't perfect , but it was livable . The bedrooms , the attic , corners of the main rooms , and the garage were all still full of stuff . But , the main rooms ( den , living room , and kitchen ) were usable and looked decent . Here recently however , things took a turn for the worse . My MIL has decided to leave the antique business , and instead of getting rid of the merchandise , she brought most of it back to her house . I 'm not talking about old tables and chairs . I 'm talking about boxes of stuff . Random , mostly non - useful stuff . Small things . Things not suitable when you have toddlers running around . Over the past couple of weeks , the three rooms she used have become full of stuff . It 's everywhere . It 's on tables , chairs , it 's teetering off of the edge of old furniture , it 's piled so high that if you touch one part of it , a domino effect of falling stuff would happen . It 's on the changing table we gave her for the kids . It 's covering up the toys , exersaucer , and pack n plays . It 's on the kitchen table , counters , in the bathroom . It 's on the stairs . It 's on the front porch . It 's everywhere . It 's impossible to get in the door of the house without tripping over or stepping around stuff . I hate it . I have tried not to judge . I have tried not to complain but I hit my breaking point this week . She is watching my children - the two most precious things in my life . She brought so much shit in the house that the two toddlers had a five foot by five foot area to play in in the the living room ( a circle of space completely surrounded by stuff ) and a few feet of space to play in in the kitchen . That 's it . The huge den they used to play in ( the room that has the baby gates and was actually somewhat baby proof ) was so full you couldn 't walk in it . There were a couple of days that I found my toddler playing in the kitchen trash can because that 's the only area he had to be in . The trash can ! ! ! WTF . Every day leading up to this past week as I pulled out of the driveway , I prayed that my toddler would not get into a box of stuff and choke on something or accidentally knock into something that would create an avalanche of falling stuff that would hurt my little baby . Each morning when I dropped the kids off , my MIL would make an excuse as to why the house is a mess . I 've heard these same excuses now for years . I don 't buy them . I 'm not a fool . Finally , on Wednesday , I arrive to pick up the kids , and my MIL makes the comment that taking care of 3 is trying her patience . She said she constantly has to watch them . WTF . Are you serious ? ? ? She said she has to watch them because they try to get in all of her stuff . You put the stuff there lady ! ! ! You removed the children from the one room that was sort of baby proof that had all of their toys in it and have them playing in a five by five space that is surrounded by junk . All they have is that space and the f - ing trash can to play in . OF COURSE YOU HAVE TO WATCH THEM ! ! ! This is not the first time I 've heard this . She has made a few snarky comments to me about babysitting 3 kids over the past year . Please remember that we asked her immediately upon finding out we were pregnant with number 2 if she was willing to watch the baby or if we needed to find another sitter … and she told us she absolutely wanted to . We gave her an out . So , back to Wednesday night . I didn 't say anything and packed up my kids and left . I arrived home and told my husband about her comment and that we needed to find an alternative . I was not about to allow my two precious babies to be in that environment anymore . My MIL was evidently overwhelmed and frustrated with her house , and watching the three children was too much . I was pissed . It wasn 't supposed to be like this . We were supposed to be given ample time to figure out a new situation if we needed one . My husband believes his mother is a few steps away from crazy , so he understands my frustration and he too feels my pain . However , he doesn 't want to hear me talk about it . I asked him to do something about it and talk to his mother as she is not my own mother and I do not feel comfortable having that type of conversation with her . It was time to ask her how she truly felt and if she honestly wanted to continue watching the children . It was time to find out if she wanted to watch the three she is currently watching … as well as the fourth that is on the way ! No , it 's not me . My sister in law is preggo with number 2 and her first is the other grandchild my MIL watches . I asked my husband not to yell at his mom or argue with her about all of the stuff . I asked him to have a dialogue with her and find out what is going on with her , all of the stuff , and if she even wants to continue watching the kids . I beg him not to yell at her . Nothing is accomplished that way and she is already extremely defensive about all of her stuff to begin with … no matter how you talk to her . On Thursday night , he tells me he went over to his mom 's that morning and blasted her . I was so upset . What would that solve ? ? I then become angry at him because it seems the whole situation is spiraling out of control . All I wanted to do was to figure out what is going on in his mother 's head and find out if she truly wants to continue watching the kids . I didn 't want to create a family argument . I try to explain this to my husband , who then tells me it 's none of my business what he said to her and that I don 't know what he said . Then I remind him that he told me he went over to her house and " blasted her " and he then basically lets me know he lied about that and doesn 't have to tell me what they talked about . This , I do not agree with . My children are over there . They spend more time over there during the week than they do with me . I have every right to know what is going on . I completely understand that I asked my husband to talk to his mother , but that 's only because she doesn 't listen to me and I don 't feel comfortable talking to her about those things . Before my husband talked to her , I even told him I would be a part of the conversation if he wanted me to be , and he said he would handle it . All I wanted to do was find out if she was ok and do the right thing for our children . Unfortunately , the situation turned into a yelling match between my husband and I . The arguing ran all the way into Friday morning . I was so frustrated because I didn 't know if there was a solution to the situation . Does she still want to babysit ? Is she going to clean up her house and actually provide a safe environment for my children ? What are we going to do about finding the money to pay for a daycare or another sitter ? How will my kids adjust to a new place ? How in the hell am I going to find a new sitter with such short notice ? I had all of these thoughts running around in my head and I was upset . My husband was no longer listening to me and did not want to deal with it . I tried to explain to him that he was just like his mom when it came to that stuff - not listening , thinking he is right no matter what , etc . He doesn 't think he 's like her at all , but the reason the two of them do not see eye to eye is because they are so much alike . But that 's a whole other topic . Anyway , I couldn 't take it anymore . I was trying to eat my breakfast and give my toddler his breakfast . I was crying . I was just so mad that my MIL had let her house turn into a pile of shit again , that my husband was purposely lying to me about whatever conversation he had with her , and that my kids were caught in the middle of the craziness . If I 'm crying during an argument , my voice gets louder . I can 't help it . I am not trying to yell . Well , on Friday morning , my husband apparently thinks I 'm trying to yell at him , so he mocks me and begins yelling back . And , this makes my toddler cry . He looks at his dad yelling at me and begins crying . I console him and he hugs me . I try to finish his breakfast and my husband yells again because he thinks I 'm yelling at him , and my toddler starts crying AGAIN . Shit . We have turned into my parents . Our actions are causing our son to be afraid and cry . At that moment , I feel like a failure . My husband and I were doing the exact thing I never wanted us to do . We were fighting in front of our son and he was crying because of it . I went through an entire childhood of this . I told myself I 'd never let this happen to my own children . I 'd never put them through the pure hell I experienced as I kid . I sat in the kitchen beside my son and consoled him . I looked out the window and sobbed . I told my husband I couldn 't be with him if it was going to be like this . We 'd already thrown out the big D word several times during the argument . But , this time , I meant it . I was willing to get divorced rather than put my kids through hell . It is not fair to them . I will NOT live this way . I couldn 't deal with it anymore so I went upstairs and took a shower . We had to be at the doctor for checkups for our sons and I needed to get ready . I cried in the shower . I couldn 't understand why things had spiraled so out of control . Why can 't my MIL understand that her house is unsafe for my kids ? Why does she think it 's ok to have piles of shit laying around every square inch of her house ? Why won 't she listen to us about cleaning it up and ensuring it is safe for the kids ? Why isn 't my husband able to have a meaningful conversation with her about it ? Why do I not have the fortitude to talk to her myself ? Why can 't my husband just listen to me and let me vent without accusing me of being a bitch and nagging ? Why is all of this so hard ? But , then I realize , life is hard . Nothing worth doing is easy . Having kids is not easy . Dealing with the in - laws is not easy . A marriage is not easy … at all . All we can do is make the most of it . I take my shower and much like the water rinses the dirt off my body and down the drain , I let all of the emotions of the past week go down the drain too . There 's nothing else I can do . My MIL is going to continue to collect crap and do what she wants with it . My husband will be combative with her because they are so much alike . We will continue to argue throughout our entire marriage because we are completely different people who rarely see eye to eye on anything . All I can do is love my kids , respect my husband and his opinions , and do what I can to keep the peace . I will do my best to ensure my kids have a safe and loving environment no matter where they are . They are my priority . I don 't want a divorce . I love my husband . He 's got his faults , but I do too . He takes care of me and he loves the boys more than anyone . He has stuck by me through a lot and he 's a good man . I never want to not be with him . But , in the heat of arguments , I feel differently . All I can do is ensure we do not argue in front of the kids . They deserve the best life we can give them , and unlike my parents , I must choose a different path … A path not filled with fighting , arguing , and name - calling . It was selfish of my parents to not protect my brother and I from that . Remember , my family told me to " break the cycle " and this is another step in that journey . I will break the cycle of arguing in front of my children . I will not allow my marriage to end in divorce . * Disclaimer - Since this was written , my MIL has actually made some big strides in making sure the house is in suitable condition for the children . I believe my husband may have given her an ultimatum when he spoke with her - clean up or we are taking the kids elsewhere . There 's a long way to go , but she 's making an effort . She 's working with another family member who is much more patient with her than any of the rest of us . The other family member is willing to have a conversation with my MIL about each item before they decide what to do with it , whereas the rest of us just want to light a match to the place . We will see how it all turns out . * * To my husband - I love you and do not want us to argue like we did this past week . Let 's not allow the choices our family members make interfere in our lives like this again . You are my rock and even though you may not think so , you do keep me sane 😉 Today I am watching my little nephew again for a couple of hours while my mother - in - law runs some errands . This was a last - minute request of her and I found out she wanted to drop him off at my house only about a half hour before she actually did . For anyone who knows me , I don 't do last - minute . I am a planner and organizer , and I need to know at least several hours in advance before anyone comes to my house . Further , I had already planned my day with my two boys and the things I need to get done … like pay bills , laundry , and vacuum . So , I felt highly inconvenienced and annoyed . If you read one of my earlier posts about my nephew , he is also a very needy child , so I also felt exhausted at the sheer thought of spending another day with him . I almost told my mother - in - law I just didn 't have time to watch my nephew and had too many things going on , but that would have been a lie . I do have time and can certainly take a few hours out of my day to help her out . My mother - in - law watches my children while I am working , and asked if she could be our primary baby - sitter when I was pregnant with my first son . She is truly a saint . She has taken care of her elderly parents for years , and practically provided full - time hospice services to both her own mother and mother - in - law before they died , all the while taking care of my son and his cousin all day Monday through Friday … oh , and she runs her own business ! One would think why I even hesitated for a second to help her out today and why I was annoyed by it considering what she does for me and others . These negative , conflicting thoughts are ones that I need help getting rid of . These remind me of my mother . See , my mother would have been completely annoyed this morning as well , but would have called her husband to bitch about the situation and his mother , and then say yes she could baby - sit with a smile on her face . However , she would then bitch to everyone about it later and talk negatively about the person that inconvenienced her to everyone she knew . She would then try to get others on " her side " and agree with her that she suffered some sort of injustice for being asked to baby - sit last - minute . You may be wondering how I know exactly how this situation would have played out … I 've seen it all before … many many times . My mother has one friend … a friend she has had since childhood … a friend that does not live near her and does not see her or hear from her on a daily basis . A naive friend that truly believes my mother has been wronged by everyone else she has ever known . She used to have several friends , but by talking about them behind their backs and accusing them of doing wrong to her , they are no more . She and my step - dad used to have good jobs for a business my step - dad helped start up and run for more than 20 years , but her negativity and big mouth ruined that and they were fired from their own business . She used to have in - laws and my step - dad used to have a brother , but they are no more . She single - handedly destroyed the relationships in the family she married into . My mother does not like other women . She could not stand my dad 's mother or my dad 's sister . She is insanely jealous of all other women but she 'll never admit it . She critiqued everything they did and swore they were trying to influence my dad into leaving her . She drove a wedge between my dad and his sister that to this day has still not been completely repaired … and my parents have been divorced for 16 years . She even had the audacity to talk bad about them to my brother and I when we were young children . C ' mom lady , this was my sweet grandmother and the only aunt I had ! I am annoyed now remembering all the things she used to accuse my grandmother and aunt of doing . She was so full of lies . When she married into her new family , she started doing the same thing . She critiqued the parenting style of my step - dad 's brother and his wife , specifically his wife . She found every opportunity to bash her that she could . She was too fat , let her kids eat whatever they wanted , didn 't love them , gave them too much , gave them too little , didn 't bathe them , on and on and on … I remember when we first started hanging out with my step - dad 's family , my mother would try her very best to bash her sister - in - law to me and to get me on her " side " and agree that my sister - in - law was a bad mother . WTF . My mother , the one who beat the shit out of me , called me every name in the book , treated me like her and my brother 's servant , and let a dog attack me , was critiquing someone else 's parenting style ! ! Pure insanity . Even on Christmas Day … they day we celebrate selflessness , kindness , acceptance , etc . , my mother had the nerve to whisper things to me about her sister - in - law at the breakfast table … while she was in the very next room ! She tried to get me to agree with her that her sister - in - law had her daughter 's hair pulled too tight in a bow and a bunch of other crap about the children 's ' clothes . I was so embarrassed and sad that I had brought my soon - to - be husband around that . My mother 's sister - in - law did a fine job with her kids . Everyone has their own parenting style . Sure , she lets her kids eat junk food and run around like crazy people out in public , but she loves them and they know it , and that 's what it all boils down to in my book . My mother talked so bad about my sister - in - law that over a period of a decade , she drove a wedge so big between my step - dad and his brother that it will be never be repaired . She convinced my step - dad that his brother and his wife were out to get them and that they are terrible people . She used her words to ruin the relationship to the point that my step - dad actually faced legal action because his brother accused him of attempted murder about two years ago . You 'll love it … a great story that made the papers of the small town they live in ( note - I grew up there and everyone knows they are my family - can you say embarrassing ? ) . My step - dad 's family all live on what I call the compound in a small , rural county … about 500 acres . There are three houses - my step - dad 's , his brother 's , and their parents . My step - dad and mom were out in the yard one day doing whatever they do , and they noticed that my step - dad 's brother was out in the woods behind their house . Evidently he was hunting . My step - dad and mother decided that my step - dad 's brother should not be anywhere near their house and had no right to hunt near it , so they turned on the music in their big redneck truck very loudly and blared it in the direction of my step - dad 's brother . He didn 't leave his post , so my step - dad decided to get a gun out and shoot toward the woods in the direction of his brother . He told the court he was shooting at a groundhog and did not know his brother was in the woods , but I know the real story and they do not know that I do . See , my brother was there with them at the time , and he told me the truth about what happened . They however think I believe their ridiculous story about that my innocent step - dad was just shooting at a little groundhog and how dare his brother accuse him of trying to kill him . Do they think I 'm an f - ing idiot ? ? Do they think my brother wouldn 't tell me what really happened ? They have no idea that my brother is not loyal to them at all . The whole thing went to court and my step - dad was charged with reckless handling of a firearm . It almost went to trial but his brother put on some big boy pants and made the decision not to go to trial and to revoke the accusation that my step - dad was trying to kill him . At the end of the day , my step - dad pleaded guilty to recklessly handling a firearm and was sentenced to a year of anger management courses and no contact with his brother 's family . The deteriorating relationship between the two brothers all started when my mom starting hating on her sister - in - law , and escalated so far out of control that the entire family does not speak . My step - dad does not even have a good relationship with his own parents anymore because of the situation between he and his brother . Kind of awkward considering they could all throw rocks at each other 's houses too … and there 's only one driveway … but I digress . It is all so sad . My step - dad ( aside from having an open affair with a married woman while supposedly being a man of God ) is a kind man . He has always done everything he could to help out my brother and I in any way . He took my brother under his wing for several years and helped him find his own way in the world . He gave of his time and money … when he had money . After spending a few years with my mother , he has become a spiteful , sad person with no friends and now no family to lean on . He is flat ass broke and on the verge of losing everything because my mom 's influence over him . She has driven away any family and friends that he did have ( because she hated their wives ) , and had a huge hand in getting them both fired from the business he had put many years and hard work into . ( In the type of business they ran - attempting to shoot your brother doesn 't really go over very well - ooops . ) He has been badly embarrassed in the community - to the point where an online discussion was created to talk about their family , the trial , the business they were fired from , etc . He now works six days a week for a little over minimum wage and no benefits . My mother sits at home . Sure , I think she takes care of the house and the animals , but she doesn 't work . However , she complains constantly about the fact that they don 't have money , that they need a new tv or new cell phones to keep up with the Jones ' , that she wants to take trips around the world … but she is the biggest reason why they have no money ! My step - dad is a different man than I first met years ago . He used to be very happy and optimistic about life and his business . He had all of these great plans to keep the family business going and have my brother and I involved in it . He wanted to buy a boat and a new house and do all of these great things , and now he is one more missed payment away from being in financial ruin . When I do see him , he barely talks and there is a deep sadness in his eyes . When he does talk , he 's basically telling my mom that " noDespite ruining their family relationships and financial situation , my mother still talks bad about the family when I see her . Over the past year , I 've counted how many minutes it takes her before she says something bad about somebody when I visit her . It is always less than 30 minutes - always . It 's almost like a game for my husband and I now to guess how many minutes it will take . However , one thing has changed from years ago when she tried to get me involved . I do not engage in the conversation . I will listen , but never say anything back . I will change the subject , even walk away . I 've been doing this for over a year , and yet she still talks about people to me . Perhaps she has realized that she has lost a connection with me and is desperately pulling at anything she can to get it back . I don 't know , but I refuse to engage her in negative talk . It 's my little way of trying to get her to stop . So far , it 's not working , but then again , I suppose that 's not my problem . The crazy thing is , this sort of situation also rings true for anyone who happens to marry my dad - their lives are turned completely upside down , their credit is ruined , and their family relationships are strained . Poor , unfortunate souls . Seems like my parents were in fact meant for each other ? Too bad they didn 't stay together and just ruin each other 's lives instead of bringing others down with them . Anyway , now that I 've set all that up for you , back to my conflicting thoughts this morning . See , I wanted to be angry and think " how could my mother - in - law ask such a thing of me so last - minute . " I wanted to tell her no and I wanted to call my husband and bitch about her . But , I didn 't , and I suppressed those thoughts . You know how some people have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other ? I have an optimistic , selfless , kind , and loving version of myself on one shoulder , and my mother and father both standing on the other . I am CONSTANTLY evaluating my thoughts and actions to ensure I am not being like either one of them . This morning , I fought the urge to be a bitch and to act like my mother would have acted . I will NOT ruin mine or my husband 's relationship with my in - laws . They are wonderful people . His sisters are two of my best friends and his mother loves me and treats me like her own daughter . They have taken me in from day one and treated me like a family member … and even took me back over the years when my husband and I broke up because I acted like an idiot … and I will not let them go . I certainly do not want my own kids to blog about me in the future and how I ruined their dad 's relationship with his family and ended up in some small town courtroom defending my actions against his family . In my world , today was a small success for me . I 'm giving my mother - in - law a few hours to herself to get some things done , and my son the opportunity to hang out with his best bud . I did it without acting like a bitch or telling my husband that his mom is intentionally trying to use me and inconvenience me . I ignored my mom standing on my shoulder . Today , I chose selflessness . I 'm afraid of wind … and lightening … and tornados … and storms in general . Lucky for me we 've got all that going on in my part of the world today . Yay . It 's been a chaotic day so far . The wind is gusting between 30 and 40 miles per hour around here and the neighborhood is a mess . It also happens to be recycling day in the hood , so I spent around 20 minutes chasing all of our aluminum cans , cardboard boxes , empty milk cartons , and pretty much the entire contents of our overflowing recycling bin out of my neighbors ' yards . You are welcome . I didn 't realize everything was flying out of my recycling bin until the most inconvenient moment . I was in the middle of giving my older son a bath when my little baby started crying to nurse , a bit ahead of schedule I might add . Haha , yeah right , like they have a schedule . I removed my older son from his bath ( against his mighty little will ) and strapped a diaper around him and put him in his crib . I then picked up my little baby and started to nurse him and looked out the window . It was right at that moment that the wind picked up the aluminum cans out of my recycling bin and flung them into the air like a tornado had come through ( very similar to the scene in Twister where the little aluminum censors flight into the tornado ) . Shit . What a mess . Right at that moment , I also realized my mother - in - law had called wanting to drop off my needy nephew again for me to sit for a few hours . OMG , could things get any more chaotic ? ? I finished nursing the little fella and apologized to my older son about leaving him in just a diaper … although he didn 't seem to care one bit . He loves jumping in the crib , and was jumping like a mad man today . I swear he was jumping higher than normal - perhaps less resistance without his clothes ? Anyway , outside I went armed with paper bags ready to clean up my mess . There are things I know we recycled that I never found . Sorry neighbors ! As I was running up the hill chasing Diet Mug Root Beer cans , I could feel the wind swirling all around me . I thought to myself , holy shit , these last few minutes sure have been chaotic . But , I made it through , picked up the recycling , dressed my older son and put him down for his nap , put my little baby down for his nap , and called my mother - in - law back who told me I was off the hook for babysitting today . Thank . you . God . I realized that my funny little morning and the little bit of chaos that ensued was NOTHING compared to the chaotic childhood I endured . What 's more , I will not let my little ones endure the same chaotic environment I did . I 'll protect them from the wind and rain no matter what I have to do . If you read yesterday 's post , you know that my mom left me during my first year of life and cheated on my dad , and then my dad got her back by cheating on her during that same time period . Obviously I do not have a personal recollection of the first couple of years of my life , but I know those stories because my dad and grandparents shared them with me . One of the earliest memories I have is the birth of my brother . I was five and he was adorable ! I vividly remember being in the hospital and giving him the little blue plastic elephant I had picked out for him . I love my brother . We had many years of not getting along and barely speaking , but he was there for me and tried his best to protect me during some very dark moments in my life . After my brother was born , he became the center of attention and of course that was difficult for my five year old self . However , you have to understand that I was not a bratty kid . Despite feeling jealous , I still loved my brother , wanted to play with him all the time , helped take care of him , and would have snuggled with him all day if I could have . But , my mother wouldn 't let me . In fact , it seemed she didn 't want me anywhere near my brother or her . Most of my vivid memories start when I was around 7 or 8 years old and my brother was 2 to 3 . When we would visit with my grandparents , my mom wouldn 't allow me to speak . If we were sitting around the dinner table and I said something , I got kicked under the table . And this happened a lot . At Thanksgiving , I would be taken to a back room at my grandparent 's house and slapped because I had too much food on my plate and I talked too much during dinner . However , the whole time , my brother talked and threw food and had a great time , and my mom ate all of it up . She never treated my brother like that - he could do no wrong . At that time , I didn 't understand why she acted like that but I do now which I will share at a later time . I was a good kid . I kept my room clean , did well in school ( always got gold stickers and honor roll ) . I did get a bad conduct grade a few times for talking too much in class , but now I realize I talked so much at school because no one kicked me under the table there . My mom treated me like that no matter where we were . She would always take me to some back room and beat the shit out of me for talking too much , eating too much , and breathing loudly . ( PS - I was never an overweight kid , so am still not understanding why she beat me for eating . ) She would bring my dad in on it too and he would get in on the beating if necessary . Pretty shitty , but there are some funny parts to it , too . My parents thought that no one knew what they were doing , but my grandparents ' houses weren 't that big , so everyone there heard what was going on . And , my mom accidentally kicked other family members a few times under the table which of course sparked a little conversation about why . I always loved watching her squirm when being questioned about the way she treated me . She of course would always make up some bullshit about how bad I was , but the only person that ever really believed her was my dad . My grandparents knew better - they were not fools . That is why whenever my brother and I got to spend a few days with them during the summer , they treated me like gold . I LOVED spend time with my grandparents without my parents . Those are the happiest memories I have of my childhood . I ugly cried during the car ride home every time … . to the point where my grandmother would cry . My brother and I would beg my granddaddy to turn the car around , to not take that dreaded exit on I95 toward our house . I remember praying to the good Lord that one day granddaddy would turn the car around … that one day all our begging would finally make him do it . But , he never did . I have one memory of when I was about 10 years old where I had just come home from a week - long stay with my great - grandparents . It was wonderful . They took me out to eat , took me on their boat , we picked vegetables together in the garden , my great - grandmother and I stayed up late and watched movies , and they loved me . I craved so much love when I was with my grandparents and great - grandparents , and they wrapped me in as much love as they could . After that wonderful week , I remember laying on my bed trying to sob as quietly as I could so no one would hear me . I was absolutely devastated to be back home . I pushed my face as far into the bed as I could . I can still feel the wetness of the tears on my face and my heart hurts thinking about it . I cried so hard my face and throat hurt . I even remember the commercial that was on my little tv when my mom came in the room to yell at me after she heard me crying . ( A commercial for windows - white house with lots of new windows across the front . ) My mom came in and asked me what the hell was wrong with me and I told her nothing . Her voice got louder and she continued asking me what was wrong , so I told her the truth - I was sad to be home and missed my great - grandparents . Then , she told me I could go live with them if I wanted to and that I was an ungrateful bitch . Then she slammed the door . See , by that time , she had witnessed me crying after coming back home … several times . She knew in her heart I hated living there , and she knew why . She knew she abused me and treated me much different from my brother , yet she could not change her ways . It was a vicious cycle . She would get so mad when she saw how sad I was to be home , but she knew why I was sad . Me being sad would make her even more angry though , and then she would come at me with even more fervor - both with her hands and her words . But , I still loved her . I still love her now despite the horrid things she did to me when I was little older ( between the ages of 8 and 14 ) . I still made her cards for Mother 's Day and fixed her breakfast if I woke up before she did . I made her Christmas presents and birthday cards . I sucked up to her . I know now that my little childhood self was doing everything I could to gain her approval and make the beatings , kickings , slappings , etc . stop , but my efforts seemed to go unnoticed . More to come later … Writing just about these few memories I have of those earlier years has helped me already . In the thick of it , I get mad at my mom all over again , but at the end of the paragraph , I sort of feel a release . And that 's what I plan to continue doing - remembering what I want to forget , so I can let it go . Today has been a good day . We had some visitors today and my older son had a great time playing with them . While he and my little baby were napping this afternoon , my husband and I worked more on his big boy room … hanging pictures , moving his things in from the nursery . It 's really coming along and it makes me a little sad . I still remember the very weekend my husband painted the nursery . Afterall , it was only a little more than a year and a half ago … and now another kid is moving into it . It is slightly shocking . I never would have imagined that day that he painted the nursery that less than two years later we 'd have another baby boy waiting in line to use it . Speaking of flashing back , I often go back to the day that we announced our first son 's name at our co - ed baby party we had about a month before my due date . It was a surreal moment . Even though I knew there was a baby boy in there and we had already named in , I had not connected with him and couldn 't fathom what life would be like when he was a part of our family . Now I can 't get enough of him . Tonight at dinner , my husband accidentally ( or perhaps intentionally ) let out a pretty sizable poot , and my older son proudly exclaimed " poo pood ! " I literally choked on my food and my husband almost choked on his drink . It was one of the best moments we 've had as a family . My son has already been letting us know whenever he poos by announcing " I pood " Man , we are proud . I never thought I 'd see the day when I 'd be proud of someone for announcing that they shit their pants . I love parenthood . See , there are a few reasons I started this blog . One , to help me out with some areas in my life that I 'm challenged with - mainly my pessimism and the stress I put on myself by constantly worrying . Two , to connect with other parents and share advice , funny moments , and talk about life . And three , to help me come to terms with the abuse I experienced as a child . I realize I could keep a private journal or see a therapist , but I 'm not a Dear Diary kind of girl and I 'm not that interested in talking to a stranger about my issues . I know that sounds funny since I 'm writing a blog anonymously and sharing it with people I 've never met … I totally get that that 's weird . But , I 'm ok with that . I come from a divorced family … like most of us these days . My parents divorced when I was 14 years old , and although it was a horrible experience at the time , it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me . I come from an abusive home , and am a product of two people who I believe never really loved each other . My parents got married at 18 years old . My dad had a scholarship to a local university , and instead of taking that scholarship and earning a degree , he chose to marry my mom . In knowing my mother and how manipulative she is , I firmly believe that she manipulated my dad into getting married instead of going to college . I know that my dad could have made his own choices and I don 't think he was forced to walk down the aisle at gun point , but there had to be some reason why he threw away that scholarship . Perhaps the pregnant card ? I 'll probably never know , but I am certain that they never truly loved each other . My mom never had any college ambitions , and coming from a broken home herself , she wanted to get away and be taken care of . I can 't say I blame her . She too comes from a pretty f - d up situation . Her mother left my mom , her little brother , and their dad when they were very young children , and ran around with several different men for many years . She was basically the town whore and my mom and her brother knew it and heard it being talked about . My grandmother left her children with their dad , who really didn 't want much to do with them either . He then in turn asked his own parents to raise his children . WTF . So , my mom and her brother were raised by her paternal grandparents … who were saints . Flash forward several years later when I was born . Just a couple of months after , my own mother left me in my crib while my dad was working a 24 hour shift . She ran around town for a week with a guy and had apparently decided that parenting me was way too much to deal with . My dad called in reinforcements and had his parents help out . He begged and pleaded my mother to come back and she did . Not long after , my dad cheated on my mom to get revenge , and they repeated this cycle for approximately 14 years . In the early 90s , we moved from to a new town and bought a bigger house . My mom had to work to help pay the bills . She found a job she liked , had a little spending money of her own , and discovered some independence she had been missing for a few years . This soon led to a new love interest in her life . She had a public affair ( we come from a small town , so any affair is public ) , and my brother and I watched it all unfold right before our very eyes . We even met the man before my dad ever knew about him . He was supposedly a man of God , and yes , this affair happened on the grounds of a Baptist church . Once dad found out about him , he still begged my mom to stay , but she jumped ship , and for eight years , my brother and I did not have a relationship with her . I honestly thought I 'd never see her again , and after a couple of years I began to get comfortable with the idea . My dad brought in his reinforcements again and my grandparents raised my brother and I for about two years until my grandfather was diagnosed with colon cancer . They were wonderful and I owe my life to them . More specifically , I will never know a more giving person than my grandfather … ever . He unselfishly gave of his time , the little bit of money that he made , and all the love in the world . He taught me how to play poker , how to drive , how to fish , and how to love . I am a decent driver , an ok fisherwoman , and a beach lover because of him . I can forgive people because of him . I am who I am because of him . I lost my grandfather a few years ago to lung cancer , and I miss him every day . I am reminded of his presence every day when I put on my engagement ring , which is a story I will save for later . After my grandparents left so my granddaddy could fight his cancer , my dad then found his own independence … and several women . Now my dad was the talk of the town . Super fun for my brother and I in the small town we lived in . There is a common theme flowing through my family - abandonment . And it appears to happen only after children are thrown into the mix . So now it 's on my shoulders to break the cycle . And , I will stop at nothing to do that . I look forward to writing about these chapters . There are a lot of details I do not want to relive , that I have buried deep down , that I 've only shared with my husband and one or two other people , and I truly think it 's going to feel good to get them out on paper . . or I guess I should say on the internet … My parents should have never married , or procreated . And now , 4 marriages and several ex - step siblings and broken families later , I plan to share all of the sad details why . Thank you for reading . It 's crazy how therapeutic it is knowing I 'm sharing with an audience of strangers . I guess that means I don 't have to hold back , right ? Well , it 's off to bed . Only one week of maternity leave left with my precious boys . I would give my left leg to have another 12 weeks with them . Post my button on your blog & let me know ! I 'll follow you & promote your site on my blogroll ! I look forward to reading your blog ! < a href = " https : / / holycrapimsomeonesmommy . wordpress . com " target = " _ blank " >< img src = " http : / / anony . ws / di - 1979 . jpg " alt = " Holy crap ! I 'm someone 's mom ! " width = " 125 " height = " 125 " />< / a > Are you a Bloggy Mom ? ? Business to Blogger Friendly Blog Check for great giveaways . Good Friends Just Click ! Hop a little Tuesday ! Check out other moms who blog ! I 'm on Mama 's Little Nestwork ! Copyright 2011 . Holy crap ! I 'm someone 's mom ! All rights reserved . No reproduction in any medium without prior written consent of the author is permitted . Back to top |
Winter turned 6 years old today ! She has become such a big girl . She even has lost her first teeth a couple of weeks ago . Winter 's cousin Lille also turned 6 this week , so Catherine ( Joe 's cousin ) and I threw a birthday party for both the girls yesterday . We wanted to have the kind of party that would let the " city kids " experience the farm life for an afternoon . We set up a petting zoo with a cow , 2 sheep , 3 goats , baby chickens and pony rides . There was also plenty of fishing and general exploring going on . It turned out FABULOUS ! ! We had a TON of guests so it was nice and hectic and stressful for me . I think we had a total of 26 kids and 20 adults at the house . After a couple of hours outside with the animals we moved inside and had cake , icecream and presents . It was so great to be able to have the space for all of those people ! We kept the party going with a lasagna dinner with 19 of our guests . Then , when everyone except the Morphises had left , somehow we still weren 't partied out . I really love the board game " Settlers of Catan " and so do they , so we stayed up until the wii hours in the morning playing that . Today was only slightly more relaxing with church and a visit to the parents ' house . Joe 's sister Nancy decided to come visit for 3 weeks to help out with Great Grandma Benac , so we got to have dinner with them , Mark and Kelly and mom and dad . That 's 3 out of the 6 kids together ! ! Next week Ruth will probably be back , so we 'll have 4 out of 6 ! ! Almost a family reunion . Now only Angela needs to come down too . . . . hint hint . . . . . We had a fabulous Christmas this past tuesday . On Monday night we reinacted the story of Christ 's birth . The kids had a lot of fun being baby Jesus , Joseph , and the donkey The most exciting gift for me ( beside the horse ) was the raclette grill mom and dad gave me . It 's a grill that you set in the middle of the table during dinner and everyone grills their own food at the table . This is a Swiss tradition and they have a special Raclette cheese they melt and eat with potatoes . Since Dallas is such a big city , we get the conveniences of cool grocery stores . So on wednesday I went to the Central market and actually bought some of this Raclette cheese which has been imported from Switzerland . While I was there I also picked up some good stinky cheese from Italy , and some yummy French style bread . It 's too bad that we don 't live closer to that store ( but probably a good thing too ! ! ) Tomorrow we are having a birthday party for Winter 's 6th birthday , and combining it with her cousin Lille 's birthday . We have fun stuff planned and it should be a great madhouse with 32 kids , and their parents . It 's mostly family , and some friends . We are planning to set up a petting zoo with a cow , sheep , goats , and also pony rides . It 's been very rainy here the last couple of weeks , and now it 's VERY muddy . When we were in Switzerland I bought some mud boots , and didn 't realize just how much I would need them . It 's extra muddy now , because some males ( I won 't name names ) in our family took a Jeep to the upper pasture , so the " road " to the back is really , really , really muddy now . My poor horses have also been suffering from the mud , and slipping and sliding all over the place . So I decided to put them in their stalls for a couple of days . Faith ( my horse ) has become very attached to Cookie , and started freaking out when separated from her . I actually got one of my fingers stuck when she yanked up her head , and it nice and thick and purple now . . . . Well , according to my good friend Tiffani , we are now officially white trash . You ask why ? Well , Jessica I can hardly believe that it 's been 5 days since I last wrote anything ! ! We just get so busy with everyday life that the days fly by . I 'm excited to get a couple of days of rest with Christmas . Tonight we started the festivities with clam chowder . Tonight is the arrival of Mark and Kelly , which is very exciting . Really what it comes down to . . . I 'm just too tired and lazy to write right now . . . so adios ! Yesterday I got a horse ! ! ! I am sooo excited . Her name is believe the power , but I think she 'll go by Faith . She is a very large horse ( 16 hands for any of you who know anything about horses ) . She 's a 8 year old mare . When she was young she raced on the track ( no , she didn 't win any money ) . She is very sweet to me and comes right up to me in the pasture . Unfortunately she is not so nice to Betsy . Earlier , she full on attacked her ! That kind of freaked me out , so I seperated them , and put Faith with cookie . They seem to like each other , and now share the lower pasture . I was just out there talking t0 Tina ( the lady that sold us the house and who lives next door now ) and she told me how to figure out how to fix the electric fencing . There 's a short somewhere , so right now I am just hoping and praying that she won 't try to get out of the pasture , because she totally could if she wanted to . Anyways , I have to get back to my large list of to - do 's . Most of them don 't include playing / riding the horses . : ( We just got home from sunday dinner at Joe 's parents ' house . We celebrated Jesus ' birthday with birthday cake and everything . After dinner the kids got to assemble and decorate a gingerbread house . They have been looking forward to this for the past 3 weeks , and were super excited the whole way through . With a little help from me and mom , I think it turned out pretty nice ! Also , Joe 's grandma Benac is back home from the hospital ( she recently broke her hip ) and we feel so blessed to be able to see her so frequently . I can hardly believe that Christmas is just over a week away . I am very excited though , because Joe 's brother Mark and his wife Kelly will be coming to visit , and it 's been entirely too long since we have seen them . I just can 't wait to see Kelly 's pregnant belly ( she 's due with a baby boy in March ) When we moved to Leonard we joined our new ward in Bonham . As you can imagine , this far out of the city the wards are pretty far in between . The Bonham ward was only recenlty made from a branch into a ward ( a branch is a really small congregation ) . Coming from a place with a large LDS community , I have to say I was a little scared and apprehensive about moving into a small ward . There is the prospect of big important callings , and of course the decreased chance of having some families in there that are similar to ours . So far , we are doing good on the callings . Joe got a calling to be the assistant ward clerk , which takes about 2 hours every sunday . . . not too bad ! I still don 't have one . We also got lucky with the whole friends / family situation . We live only 5 minutes away from a great family with 3 kids . 2 of the 3 kids are the same age as our kids . Sterling has a friend named Van ( which the kids mistakenly called car ) , and Ginger has a girlfriend named Parker . And I have a friend named Teresa . I feel so blessed to have someone close by whom I think I will be very good friends with . She also has all kinds of farm animals , and makes me green with envy over her cool chicken coops and chick incubator / heat lamp setup . I know , kind of silly things to be jealous over , but I can 't wait to have my own chickens so I can gather fresh eggs every morning . Some other fun things about a small ward : everyone was super excited when we moved in , and welcomed us into the ward . After not having to give a talk in 6 years , Joe spoke the 2nd week in church . 30 minutes after telling the bishop I play the harp , a sister asked me to play for the Christmas program . Any day I would rather play the harp than give a talk ! ! This has also gotten me to start practicing again ! ( it was a long 4 months of no harp music for my soul ) . Last week we first saw our hooty friend . We have some kind of bird 's nest right outside our front door , and one day as I was peeling the tape off the window after painting I saw him just sitting there staring at me . He isn 't there all the time , but doesn 't fly away when you go outside . I just found out that our cripple horse can still run ( more like trot ) . The storm clouds have been gathering for the last hour , and just now it started to hail . Cookie was running as fast as she can ( not so fast ) for her stable . Today I am greatful to be a non - working mother . As I am writing this blog I realize that it is almost time for Winter to get home on the bus . How sad would that be for her to have to walk all the way up the driveway in the pouring rain ! ! She would be totally soaked . Just going out to the car and back into the house got me considerably wet . MuddingPart of my responsibilities while Joe is gone is to go out to the back 40 and feed our cow Betsy . Seeing as it had rained so hard , and the clouds were still looming , I thought I would just take the car instead of walking . Now you say : Isn 't she smarter than that after being married to Joe for the last 7 years ? Well , apparently only after I got halfway out there . I knew I was probably in trouble so I drove the suburban to the top of the hill and parked it on a grassy patch . After feeding Betsy I was kind of nervous and started to think about the possibility of being stuck at home for the next 2 days until Joe gets back . So I back up just a bit , and then just gunned it . Mind you I still had to turn it around . Luckily there was enough space to make a wide donut and I kept on speeding towards the house . At one point I thought I was going to loose it and run into the sheep pen , but with my driving skills was able to keep it on the " road " . In conclusion : it was a fun , scary , exhilarating ride . ( and I really wish I had 4 - wheel drive so I could go out there and play in the mud a little without the fear of getting stuck ! ) This weather reminds me of when we lived in Florida . We loved days like this . The days that it rained were the best days to go to the amusement park . It would start to rain , so everyone left . Then an hour later the rain would stop , and the park would be empty . The perfect time to go on all the rides without having to wait ! ! ! A picture that I just HAD to postPart of the reason for moving to Texas was that Joe wouldn 't have to travel as much . It 's been great , because he has been home so much more . However , he still needs to travel about once a month to Chicago . He left earlier today . So now the kids are in bed and the house is totally quiet . . . . not for long . . . Just as I wrote that I heard some crazy cat noises outside . I checked it out and for a minute was fearful that we had lost another cat . Luckily Pumpkin came out of the bushes , although totally wet . Then after I put them away I saw another big black cat running off . I guess he came to terrorize my poor little kitties . Sunday in church I was feeling pretty good for a change . They were talking about the importance of journal keeping , and usually this subject gives me guilty squirms . Not now ! ! I know this blog isn 't an official journal , but I figure it 's as close to a journal as I 'll ever write . Even though I only started a few months ago , I can tell that it 'll be fun for myself to read back after a while . I just forget so many details ! ! Sterling says some funny things . Today at dinner we told him to finish his dinner and he asked why . So we said : " There are starving kids in Africa " . He then says : " We ARE starving kids " About mouthwash : " Oeh , it 's disgusting good ! " Well , after declaring my rebelliousness to Christmas cards , I got to thinking . For our adoption home study we have to make a photo collage , so why not just send a copy of that too all my loved ones instead of a Christmas card ? It will show all the things we have been up to lately . I still needed a good family shot with all our family , so we all headed out to the pasture . I think we got a pretty good shot with us and 3 of our animals . I have slowly been compiling my IKEA list , and today was the day I finally went . IKEA is the kind of store you can spend all day . They have you follow the arrows weaving through the whole store . It took me about 3 hours today , and that was plenty long for Ginger . By the way , I will never go there with more than 1 kid . They do have a kid play area , but the kid has to be potty trained , and it 's only for an hour . Who can shop in an hour at IKEA anyways ? ? So I got some good stuff while I was there . I got a small table for my breakfast nook . It came with 4 chairs , and only marginally put a dent in my wallet with a price tag of $ 120 . Not to shabby I thought . I also found a really cute rocking Moose ( yes , Moose , not horse ) . I thought I would let Ginger play on the display toys for a minute , and man , she is a rocker ! ! She rocked on both the mooses , and there were also some other rocking things that rock sideways . A couple of times I was certain that the rocker would tip over . Oh yeah , when we first got there we enjoyed a breakfast of eggs , baked potatoes and bacon for $ 1 . They probably figure you 'll spend more time , and thus money , if you have a full belly . If you would get hungry and be forced to leave the store to eat , they would loose business . So I guess they make a lot more money on that $ 1 breakfast than you would like to know . Other things I got include shelves , some more shelves , and some cute kids bookshelves . It 's really amazing how fast everything adds up . Today after Winter got home from school , Sterling gave away the secret about her horse ( what can you expect from a 4 year old ? ) She was very excited , and they proceeded to go back the pasture where Cookie and Betsy are living . As I was looking through the binoculars I had to laugh when Winter was pulling on Cookie 's halter and pulling some more , and some more . Finally she gave up and started to chase the cow . Cute ! ! Now the kids are helping Joe catch some dinner . I really want to make some ranch coated fish , but that only happens if they catch some . If not . . . Posted by Tonight Joe picked " Cookie " . She is a 22 year old horse , with a broken leg . It looks really fun / scary because it healed crooked . She is white with brown spots . Mostly a horse for the kids to ride on . I thought we were giving it to Winter for her birthday , but apparently Joe told Sterling that the horse is for Winter , so that secret is not going to last until the end of December . Current animals at our farm : 2 cats2 beehives4 sheep1 cow1 horse3 weasels So it 's been weird for me to blog without having a bunch of really excited stories to write . The reality is that we have settled into the mundane day to day schedule . I wake up at zero dark thirty ( 6 . 30 ) to get Winter ready for the bus . Then , if I 'm lucky , I jump back in bed for 30 minutes and sleep until Sterling and Ginger come to wake me up . ( usually Sterling is awake before I can even drag Winter out of bed ) Then I get Sterling ready for preschool and drop him off . At this point I look at the long list of things that need to be done to the house and decide if there 's anything I can force myself to do . Of course I always pick the easiest and funnest thing , . . . which makes it so that after a week or so of doing that only non - fun things are left . That was the case today , so I decided to just do nothing ! Well , not nothing , . . . just not any productive things that will get my house renovated . One thing I really enjoy about my new kitchen is that is looks out into the family room where my tv is . Today I watched the Ellen show ( to my husband 's disdain ) while cooking dinner . I made a yummy recipe that I got from my sister - in - law Angela . ( lentil tacos ) . We had a very early dinner ( 4 . 30pm ) because Joe is picking up the Christmas pony . We just have to decide how we are going to keep it a secret from the kids . Kind of hard when 2 of the kids went with Joe , and the pony will be in our pasture . I have to come of with some kind of inventive reason why this pony is in our yard . I 'm open to any good suggestions ! ! Yes , we have finally rejoined the world of the living ( communication . ) It feels so liberating having internet at my own home . I didn 't realize how much I missed it , but now I look back and can 't figure out how I coped with having to go to the library to check my email . Going to the library with a 2 year old can be challenging . Especially when it 's a very small local library with only 1 librarian that keeps a very close eye on all activity . Last week Ginger accidentally ripped part of a page from a book , and now she has to stay by my side . Well , . . . you know 2 year olds . . . if she decides she doesn 't want to be right by me , she 'll let everyone know . And everyone did know when she screamed her head off . Today is the Dutch holiday Sinterklaas . It 's the Dutch St Nicholas who celebrates his birthday on december 5th . We are going to have Joe 's parents over for dinner and do a dinner that we always did growing up as a child . It 's called " gourmetten " . We all sit around the table and have a griddle in the middle . Everyone cooks their own food as they go along . This makes for a very long and fun dinner . After that we will have a gift exchange . We all drew names out of a hat ( actually a bowl ) and we all get a cheap gift and write a poem for that person . Of course , since I 'm the mom , I have to write 3 poems . . . . I am just so happy to be here in the rural area in Texas . When I look out the window all I can see is fields and cows ! ! And when the school bus gets back to drop of Winter , Sterling run outside and yells : ' YES ! " then he promptly start running down the driveway ( it 's a long driveway ) . Winter jumps off the bus and runs to greet him too . Then they walk back together and Sterling holds Winter 's backpack for her . How sweet ! Being in Texas has really thrown me off , in regards to the fact that it 's now December , but it feels like September . Today I can easily walk outside without a jacket and not be cold . I really can 't believe that Christmas is only 3 weeks away . One of the things I 'm getting into with this whole problem of Christmas cards . For some reason I 'm feeling rebellious this year , and really don 't want to send out any cards . I guess the people that keep in touch will know everything about us anyways right ? ? Maybe I 'll just send an email or something . So this week we finally got carpet in , and moved into the rest of our house . We also moved some furniture in , and are finally feeling like we are a little bit at home . Tomorrow we get our wood floor in , so we 'll have plenty of work to do with that . Things are finally settling down a bit though . I feel a lot more relaxed , and just get a couple of projects done each day . I also keep discovering new things in our town Leonard . This week I found out that we even have a movie rental store ! ! ( and Joe found a auto parts store ) Tomorrow we will finally get internet out at our house ! Then I 'll be able to blog a little more frequently . We had wonderful Thanksgiving with the family ! We came to Joe 's parents house around 11 am . Everyone did their part for the dinner , and since I made the pies I had the luxury to sit and read the newspaper ads for " black friday " . For the last several years I 've made it a tradition to go shopping at 4 am the day after Thanksgiving , in order to get great deals . It took me a while , but Liz has finally agreed to go with me . I just love the adrenaline rush that I get when I 'm in a mad dash to get one of the 12 free laminators . So after a lovely dinner we relaxed for a while and then had yummy pumpkin pie , that Winter and Ginger helped me make . Tonight we went down to uncle Bill and aunt Barbara 's house in Dallas , and hung out with the whole gang . Several cousins were there , which made for a good time . I even got to go to Aaron Allred 's fancy lawyers office , so Katy and I can redecorate it to look all fancy . Anyways , I really need to get to bed , since I have to get up in 4 hours ! ! I can 't believe it 's been a whole week since I last wrote anything . I have to say that throughout the week I 've had great stories that I wanted to post , but simply didn 't have the internet to do so with . So now I am really not in the mood for writing , so I 'll give you a quick rundown of this week 's events . I spent Monday , Tuesday , and Wednesday to prepare the kitchen and all other cabinets to be painted . Wednesday night we painted them , and they look fantastic . Now I just need to make a quick trip to Ikea to get some great knobs to finish the look . The other developing news is that we went from 2 kittens , to 3 kittens , back to 2 kittens . A girl in our ward , Theresa , gave us number 3 ( whose name is brownie ) . On Thursday she made a fun trip in the hood of the suburban . Apparently she crawled up in the hood right before we left to Winter 's Thanksgiving school program . I heard some meowing , but just thought he was in the car with the kids . She rode there 15 minutes into town , sat there for an hour , and rode back the 15 minutes without getting killed . I think her salvation was that she was stuck . Meanwhile , our first cat Sunny got lost . I don 't know if she also tried to ride with us and fell off , or if she got all the way there and then jumped off , or if she simply got eaten by a coyote . . . So now we just have pumpkin ( the orange boy cat ) , and the new cat Brownie . Today we are going to visit Joe 's grandma in the hospital , who unfortunately fell Thursday and broke her hip and has some head trauma . The kids had fun this morning decorating some cards for her . Oh yeah . . . about the benefit of living here in Dallas . . . . . Last night we came home late from a fancy dinner with the BYU management society . Mom and dad and us all went together , and after we got to their house , we decided that it would make a lot of sense to sleep here . To sum up how nice it is : I just finished my pancake breakfast . I really think I 'm going to love it here , especially out at our farm . Our little town of Leonard has great things : a grocery store , for Posted by So today is the big day . We move to the farm ! The house it totally not ready for living in , but we 've decided that we 'll get much more work done if we 're there to work on it all the time . It is a little crazy that we are all sleeping / living in 1 room . None of the other rooms in the house have any floorcoverings . At first Joe will still go to his parents house to work until we can get internet , but then he 'll be at the farm all day too . I went to Sterling 's new school yesterday , and he and I are very excited for this new experience for him . We are in the middle of the process of getting a home study done for our adoption application . We are hoping to get the paperwork done before the end of the year , so we can get on the list of adoptive parents . We want to adopt a little baby ( under 1 years old ) , and we have no preference for race or gender . Most of all we want to give a child a forever family that otherwise wouldn 't have that opportunity . So as part of the process , I had to get my fingerprints taken today . They send them to the FBI to make sure we are no criminals . 2 things about that : 1 . any idiot / criminal can get pregnant and create their own child , but if you want to adopt they have to check out everything about you . 2 . I just had my fingerprints taken by the FBI for a background check when I became a citizen . Now you would think they could use my fingerprints ( that I 'm sure are still in their system ) , but no , they have to get them again . . . just in case my fingers morphed into something new . No , I 'm sure it 's just to get more money out of me , which is why it frustrates me . Today is my last day with internet access ( on a normal computer ) so I don 't know how long it will be before I 'll entertain you again with my simple life . Since " Sunny " will be an outside cat , I thought it would only be humane to get another cat to keep her company . I picked up an orange tabby kitten today ( a boy ) , that will be able to keep Sunny company , now and later . . . Winter decided to name him Pumpkin . He is definitely a little spicier than Sunny . On the way home , I held him on my lap , as I had done with Sunny , but he kept trying to claw his way up my shoulder , whereas Sunny just layed down and went to sleep . Pumpkin is also much more of an explorer and got a hold of a grass hopper and had himself alittle playtime . He also showed Sunny that it would be a fun / good idea to climb up a tree , . . but the only problem is that since she is still a couple weeks younger than him , she wasn 't able to get down . This is the point where I have to get the ladder out of the house , and pluck my cat out of a thorned tree . I don 't think she appreciated it as much as she should have . So , for the last 2 weeks we 've had a farm with no animals . Well , we now have our first one . I finally got my cat ! ! As some of you know , we had a cat when we first got married , that mysteriously disappeared on the way back from Florida . After that I 've wanted a new cat , but Joe 's not a big fan , so it just hadn 't happened . Joe is very opposed to pets in our house ( and I am too , ever after this nasty house we had to clean up ) so now I have an outside cat . Sterling , Ginger , and I went to pick out a kitten yesterday . We picked a girl cat , and Sterling named her Sunny . She is silver and super cute . I can 't believe how small she is . After we got her , Joe wanted me to look at some trucks for him , so I just put her in my purse , which she just loved , and she just went right to sleep in there . As I 'm typing this I am feeling a little bad though , because she is all alone at the new house right now . She has the shed as her house , and there is no windows in it , so it 's gotta be dark and lonely . Later today I 'll go over there , and Joe has been trying to assure me that she 'll have a blast in that shed . . . . Ginger has really taken a liking for Sunny . when we were in the car she screamed the whole time ( 1 hour ) because I wouldn 't let her hold it . Yesterday I had to make a very difficult decision : Play volleyball , or work on the house . Even though I was very tempted to go play volleyball and win the Dallas regional church volleyball competition , I decided to make the responsible decision and work at the house . All the tile was broken out , and we were left with a whole bunch of cement glue / grout . So we went to Home Depot and rented an electric hammer / chisel . It took 9 solid hours to brake it all out . At the end we figured the best way to get it all up , was to have me vacuum an area looking for leftover grout , and when I found a spot , for Joe to get it up . I kind of felt like an assistant to a dentist . . . you know . . . when they stick that vacuum in your mouth . We are all very sore from this task , but also very happy to be done with it . It 's fun to reflect back on all the work we have done , especially because that makes the work ahead seem not quit as bad . The other fun thing was that Sterling caught 4 fish in our lake . Joe was very jealous , as he hasn 't been able to catch anything yet . Unfortunately I haven 't really had a chance to do any fishing myself , but I did witness the slaughter ( and managed to save 1 fish 's life by convincing Joe to throw it back ) . Today I finally got to a little brake from the craziness . We sold our pacifica , so we are back down to 1 car . Joe had to go buy an " animal trailer " and took the burb , so I was stuck at home . Not that I minded too much , because I 've been working too hard anyways . It 's nice to catch up with my friends and family and sit down to check my email and to do other mundane things in life . Speaking of mundane things . . . I better clean up this pig sty ( as I 'm still living with the in - laws , and I don 't have the liberty to choose to live in a mess ) and cook some dinner ( which I 'm sure will be appreciated by all the hungry mouths . ) Since all of our stuff is still in our Pods , we had to be a little inventive with our costumes for the kids . And I have to say that they all looked very cute ! ! Winter was a Japanese lady , Sterling a pirate , and Ginger a fairy princess . We went to the church 's trunk or treat where the kids got enough candy for the next year . They loved going around as much as giving out candy to other kids . Today I had another pretty productive day at the new house . I broke out most of the tile in the kitchen , so my arms are going to be ripped ! ! Since we are a " little " behind schedule , we will have to move our stuff into the garage , so I pulled out all the trash and decorated the driveway with it . Joe is buying a trailer tomorrow , so we 'll be able to take all the trash to the dump . All together a good and very tiring day . As most of you know , we have purchased our new home , and finally have starting fixing it up . The lady whom we bought this place from does not know that the words " clean " , " dust " , or " sanitation " exist . Even the showerhead has a 1 / 2 " layer of dust on it ! So most of the flooring is out , except the tile in the kitchen . We ordered the carpet , but Joe just told me today that we will have to postpone the installation by a couple of weeks , because there is no way that we can get the house ready in the next week . So I guess the goal now is to be out of the in - laws house by Thanksgiving ( I 'm sure this is not what they expected when they first allowed us to move into their house , but they are very nice about the whole situation ) . So , Sunday is ( unfortunately ) over , so tomorrow we get back to work . Oh , and I have to tell you about my fund findings in the air return vents . Besides the dog hairballs , and 13 years worth of dust , I also found 1 dead mouse , and a $ 5 bill . I just kept hoping that the next vent would hold the $ 10 , 000 booty , but that never happened . . . These last couple of days I have been reading my family members ' blogs , and have started to feel like I am not doing my part , unless I have my own blogspot . I don 't proclaim to be a good writer , so even though this won 't be the best / funniest / most entertaining literature you have read , I hope it will still be interesting enough for you to want to read about our lives . So there are 2 things I have to explain . First the name . We are currently in the process of buying a home . Every time I call a mortgage company to get a quote , they want all my personal information . That is fine and dandy , until they get to the question : " Where do you work " . . . . well , that 's a tough question to answer . I guess I could say that I work everywhere , everyday , in every profession . But usually I just say : " I don 't work " . Now as all of you stay - at - home mothers know , there is nothing further from the truth . Sure there are times I get to have a little nap , but only after spending 2 hours in the store listening to my kids asking for candy , chasing them down the isle , and bribing them with candy if they can only be good for a couple more minutes . The other thing I want to explain is this wonderful pokadot background on this blog . Two of my sister - in - laws have this same template , and it 's just so cute . I thought that maybe if I used the same one as them , my blog would also be as interesting and funny to read as theirs . . . . ( even though I know this will never be true ) Well it seems as my free time has ended , as my sons just asked me 5 times in a row to sharpen his pencil . . . I guess I am also a professional pencil sharpener . |
The stand off continues . Cadie discovered a small bug on my kitchen floor , and it has freaked her right out . She won 't get within 2 feet of it . She reared up and tried to pounce , but then lost her nerve . She then got backed out of the kitchen , and was hovering about 3 ½ feet from the tiny spec of a bug that innocently crawled into the kitchen . I 'm going to go an get it in a minute and move it out into the yard . She just cracks me up . Day 1 of getting my life back on track and already I 'm behind . I woke up this morning feeling terrible . I don 't know why , but I got out of bed 3 times before I finally forced myself up at 6 . That means that I did not get a chance to fit in any exercise . I also didn 't leave myself with enough time to eat breakfast either , so that left me hungry and a little nauseous , which " forced " to go step out for a Timmy 's break mid morning . The Timmy 's break is not on my diet , so that 's a further step back , also it means spending money that I don 't have , which puts me further off my financial goals . It was - also a pretty bad day at work . So all - in - all the first day of the Get - Your - S $ % t - Together Plan of the GYST Plan was not a total success . Never fear ; tomorrow is a new day , and a new opportunity to prove that I can get myself back on track . I worked briefly with a woman who always told that there is a difference between a dream and a goal . A dream is a vague vision or idea of what we want , and a goal is a detailed plan of how we 're going to get there . Specifically a goal has a deadline . So I am going to put my head down and start to put a detailed plan in place so that I am living a different life by Easter 2011 . I 'd had a lot of people ask me recently about my motivation for starting a blog . It 's part of the plan . The last couple of years have not been good , as I hinted last week , things at work are bad , I ended an engagement in the last 12 months , I 'm broke as a result , and my weight is sky high , and my grandmother has been undergoing some huge life changes , putting a terrible strain on my mother . All of these things together make me feel panicky . The blog is the cornerstone of the " get my s % & t together plan " . With so much wrong it became a lot easier to come home and find a reason to sit in front of the television and feel sorry for myself . It wasn 't all bad , I know that I 'm lucky , I have a job , I have a nice , new place , I have great friends , and family , but Cadie was the best thing I had . She was the most consistent thing I had . On the worst days I would climb into bed and pray that God not take her , I even tried bargaining , saying that I could cope with the loss of anything else , but not Cadie , I need to keep Cadie . And really , the proof is in the pudding . I come home ready to crawl into bed with my coat on , and then I see Cadie , then I walk Cadie , and watch her chase a tennis ball in the park like a mad man , and I can feel my shoulders relaxing , my breathing getting better , and my stomach starting to settle . I believe that were it not for Cadie I wouldn 't be sleeping at all . As I said , I am almost finished getting my home in order , and that is a huge relief . With this in place I can now refocus on getting my job , and more importantly , my career back on track . When I feel like I have a handle on this , I can start to worry about my weight , and the finances will improve , but this will take the longest time , and really I should start working on this sooner rather than later . I have a couple of mantras , the fist is , Nothing bad can happen to me , the second is by far my favourite : Don 't Forget You 're Here Forever . I know it sounds awful , but it keeps me moving . There 's a story attached to it , one that really spoke to me when I heard it . Cadie was really good for me on Friday , Saturday , not so much ; I took her to the park first thing in the morning , but that wasn 't enough . So I called my friend Catherine and decided to head out to her place . The plan was that I could sleep while Cadie played with her good buddy Toby . So I got there , and before heading down to the basement to sleep C and I decided to have a nice , relaxing cup of tea . Then C assured me that she had everything under control , so I headed down to the spare room , shut my eyes and tried to sleep . C and her husband B are great with the two dos , even though it 's super tiring to watch two puppies . Still there was a lot of running back and forth , thunderous running back and forth , which you would not expect given that neither dog weighs more than 20 Lbs . It wasn 't long before my curiosity got the better of me , and I was back upstairs with the pack . Cadie and Toby were all over each other . They bite at eyes , necks , legs , feet , tails , backs , whatever they can grab , and then they try to flip the other one . It 's hilarious to watch , but also a little nerve racking , because dog play doesn 't look civilized . Still you have to trust them , I mean you keep an eye on them , but C and I both know that they absolutely love each other . Cadie is almost a year older than Toby , so she is closing in on 2 , which means that she is becoming less and less of a puppy every day , which also means that she runs out of energy a lot faster than Toby does . Still it was Toby who seemed to run out of steam first , and he laid his head down on Cadie 's front paws for a quick rest . Being a puppy , Toby bounced back pretty quickly , the dogs headed into the back yard at one point and that perked him up again . Ultimately it was Cadie who ran out of steam , first . C and I had been sitting together on the couch watching something quiet , I think it was an HGTV show , and we could see Cadie pacing around looking for a nice quiet corner to crash in . Well , she didn 't really find it . She grabbed a quick catnap , before her big , mean mommy came over and grabbed her , for a snuggle . Toby also wanted to snuggle , so in the end it was C and I watching TV with the dogs snuggling in for a mid afternoon nap . Not long after that Cadie and I headed for home , she 's been lounging and sleeping ever since . So , really , the plan was successful . I woke up today feeling terrible . Not totally surprising since I dragged myself to bed last night , rolled over on my stomach and vowed not to move until the cramping past . It didn 't , and when I woke up this morning I also had a pounding head ache . I may never know if I had a migraine or food poisoning matched with a head ache and frankly I don 't care . I spent a couple of extra hours in bed , and tried to do as little as possible this morning . It 's always when you 're sick that you discover that you 've let things slide . I was hungry and looking forward to lunch until I went to my kitchen , and like Mother Hubbard , discovered that my cupboards were bear . So once the abdominal cramping past I headed out to the grocery store . Not the way I had hoped to spend my Friday . Things at work aren 't good for me right now , so missing a day , especially calling in sick on a Friday , is not something that I really wanted to do . The weather was fabulous . I know some people might say that it was too cold , and yes , it was cold , but I love the cold , and the sun , so the weather today was perfect for me , and for Cadie . After a good a meal and another short rest Cadie and I did head out to the park . It was good , she needed to blow off some steam , and I would have felt guilty had she not been able to enjoy some of it . If you get sick , you still have to find a way to look after them , and find a way to manage their energy is a way that works for both you and them . Otherwise , Cadie and I don 't have any trouble . I love watching Cadie play fetch . She runs so quickly , but I noticed today that she still has a lot of puppiness to her , and I like to indulge that , especially in the park . Much to my surprise and delight , she came home from the park , exhausted , and has been sleeping in her chair ever since . The drop in energy was so striking that , for a while anyhow , I though there might be something wrong with her . That 's one of the problems with being the sole care giver to an animal or anyone for that matter . I 'm a bit of a hypochondriac , when I came and sat down to write I looked over and Uter seemed to be doing something odd . He just didn 't seem too active for lack of a better word . Now a reasonable person would conclude that Uter was simply resting . As my previous entries have shown Uter tends to doze at this time of night , so it was more likely that he was sleeping , but I had to reach in there and grab him . I really made a mess of it . Uter is now have a freak out , and is frantically trying to swim out of the tank . I need to learn to leave well enough alone . What a perfect day in so many ways . The sun was out , it was nice and warm , and Cadie finally got some decent exercise . I took her to the park for a full forty five minutes , where she ran and ran and ran I threw the ball continuously for most of that time . When she got tired and thirsty she decided to lie in the grass and stretch out to her full length . It was so good to know that she has gotten all of that energy out . After super we headed out for yet another walk , so she 's had a very full day , and I couldn 't be happier . Now , just like last night , I have two sleeping , and happy animals . I am currently enjoying , what seems like a rare moment of peace . I am sitting next to a sleeping turtle , and I know that the dog is sleeping in her chair on the other side of the room . This moment , regardless of how short it may be is pure bliss . I was thinking earlier today about the subhead of my blog , bright lights , big city , hilarious dog . I was thinking about how my blog doesn 't contain a lot of city glamour or hilarity . This will never be a story like Marley and Me . For starters my dog is trained and fairly well behaved , where I didn 't think Marley was well trained , and certainly I couldn 't have lived with that dog . For all of Cadie 's training she stills has her moments . The rain brought a lot of them to the fore over the last two days . I accept that we need rain , in addition to being a lover of animals I am also a gardener , and I value the rain ; but Cadie just refuses to get her feet wet . So she steps out of the apartment building and puts the breaks on . She flat out refuses to go anywhere , and stands there , one dainty paw in the air , giving me the kind of dirty look that you usual see 14 - year - old girls give their mothers when they catch them dancing to the radio . Cadie might be small , but she is a well - muscled dog , and if she decides that she 's not going somewhere then I can either give in , or I can pull and pull . I usually give in , because I 'm afraid of hurting her . Tonight however , I just couldn 't take it , two , almost three days of pent up dog energy , and cabin fever . I forced that dog out into the misty rain for a good thirty - minute walk . That did the trick . She has been lounging around ever since . Right now she is walking around me , just out of reach , trying to get me to go and snuggle with her on the couch . This is what I was thinking about today . I find this so endearing , and hilarious in it 's way , but it just doesn 't translate into dog hilarity for anyone who doesn 't also own a dog . Still , even if the joke is only funny to me , I consider this to be another dog miracle , so I think I will go and join her . So my vacation is now over , and I have to head back to the office tomorrow morning . I could not be more nervous about it . This will be , not only the first time that I leave Cadie alone in the new place for an entire day , but also the first time that I leave Cadie alone with the run of the apartment . So I 'm freaking out right now trying to find all of the places where Cadie might get herself into trouble . Not to mention , as this is my first day back after week 's vacation I 'm sure there is no way that I will get out of there on time , which means that poor Cadie will be alone for a much longer time than I would like . So I 'm sitting here , writing , surveying my domain and worrying myself sick about everything that is out in the main space . Because my place wasn 't totally finished when I moved in last week I am still missing a cabinet in the kitchen , which means that my garbage is open , this is by far the biggest problem . However , I have a solution for this one ; I think I 'll just shove the garbage in the bathroom . It 'll all be fine , I know this , I just have to leave the apartment and trust that everything will be fine ; in all likelihood nothing will go wrong . Right ? As the vacation is coming to an end Cadie and I tried to get ourselves back on a routine . We did dog park as per the usual , and then later this afternoon headed out for a good long walk . I 'm looking forward to getting back to work , getting back to a routine , but still I am going to miss spending my days with my dog . It 's been such a treat , but I guess that staying home with her permanently would be too much of a good thing , oh and I need to work . So I guess I should go and finalize the apartment so that I can have all the loose ends tied up before 7 : 00 am tomorrow . Cadie had a hair cut today . Salt 's mother and I are getting much better , and it 's starting to go a lot better . The first time she groomed Cadie my guess is that it took us about 4 hours , now we 've got it down to a lean 2 . And Cadie looks fantastic . A is a real stickler for detail , and she has done a perfect job as a result . The weird thing about grooming Cadie is just how much hair comes off of her ; she will go to bed tonight 3 inches shorter than when she woke up this morning . Because we were getting rid of her winter hair there were quite a few mattes that have left some bald spots , but that 's okay , a couple of days and they will fill in . The other thing I was surprised to see is that Cadie actually has a square face . The winter hair had grown in so thick , especially on the face , which it had started to appear round . I liked the fluffy round face , but I just love this sleek square one . For our last day of vacation I got up early and took Cadie up to an off leash park . I thought change of scenery . We headed out , and passed Salt 's mom , who was on her way to work . We waved , and laughed as we continued to head up to the park . Cadie was easily the smallest dog there . We took the trails and headed east until we hit a fairly significant mud patch . When it was obvious that the rest of the path was impassable we headed back . What we didn 't do was take the time to stop and throw the ball , perhaps if I 'd done that she 'd have been ready for a nap when I finally got her home . She wasn 't . I had a lot of calls to attend to this morning , so my attention was split , Cadie did not like this at all , she kept throwing tennis balls at me , and barking loudly . Lesson learned , no matter how else we start our day , the Chuckit is an integral , and indisputable element . Aside from the morning romp , the day was pretty quiet , as I mentioned this hasn 't been a restful vacation , which is fine , I knew that coming in , but I wanted to get some couch time in before I head back to the grindstone . That is what I had today . Then this evening I had two friends over for dinner , Salt 's mother A and Toby 's mother C . It was great , the move gave me a lot more stuff , as I said earlier this week , I now have new china , that have used twice since I moved in . I also have some lovely crystal glasses , so we sat and dined , then Salt , A , Cadie and myself walked C to the subway . A great night . Uter is also becoming more adventurous since the move , he is now coming up to the side of the tank to say hello , not just to me , but to A and C as well . Still Uter has his setbacks , right now he is trying to swim out of the tank . Five minutes ago , though , he was trying to grab one of the stones at the bottom of his tank , with his mouth and drag it somewhere . God love you , and your never - give - up - attitude Uter . Cadie and I have not had a great couple of days . We were at the park yesterday , when poor Cadie was clotheslined . It freaked me out , so I ran after her trying to track her down so that I could look her over , and make sure that she was okay . She was ; more stunned than anything else . She played on my sympathies long enough to get me to carry her a block or two on the way home . But on the whole she was fine . I also had a good day with the unpacking . I stayed up late and motored through the remainder of my boxes , I was so keen to get everything out of here , and restore some order . The last thing that I had to do when I went to bed last night was take my storage stuff down to the locker . I woke up this morning and realized that I have no idea where the key to my storage locker has gone . So that pile is still sitting in the middle of my office . Disappointing , it 's true , but it 's the best I can do until my supper cuts my lock off the locker . More troubling than the lost key situation is what happened to Cadie this morning . We got there a little earlier than normal , and were happily playing with our ball when I made the mistake of throwing it too close to a strange dog , who first kicked it under her hind legs , then sprang into action , grabbing Cadie by the throat , throwing her on her back and pinning her to the ground . Probably most upsetting in all of this is that the owner allowed his dog to get to the point of pinning my dog before he decided that he needed to intervene . Meanwhile , I 'm shrieking and flying across the park . We finally got them separated ; I was looking my shrieking girl over to see if we needed a vet , when the other owner told me that I shouldn 't " baby " her , because it would make her more afraid . But come on , I have to give her a good once over to make sure that she 's okay . This is not Cadie 's first attack ; she was attacked by a crazy chocolate lab back in October . My fear is that she will develop and long , and lasting fear of other , larger dogs . My other fear is the cost of vet bills , tEarlier this week I wrote about a couple of women who scared the carp out of everyone when their two labs jumped all over each other in front of a young family . I would like to pick up this thread . Immediately after the attack this morning my thought was that good dogs have bad days , and this was simply a bad day . I later learned that this dog has attacked at least 2 other dogs . This dog should not have been off leash , for that matter , this dog should be wearing a muzzle . Strong words ? Perhaps , but seriously , I think we need to talk about leashes . I 'm no angel , and I will admit that I don 't always adhere to the strict letter of the law , but , I think we need to clarify something . Being off leash , be it in designated off - leash areas , or in community parks , is a privilege that a dog earns , and not a right that they have . If your dog cannot be trusted to behave off leash then they should remain on the leash . How do I define behave ? If your dog is not under control , i . e . it 's running away from you , it 's attacking other dogs or people ; it is not under control , this isn 't brain surgery . It is , however , terrifying to see your loved one at the bottom of a heap and not know if they are going to make it out in one piece . This dog , the one that attacked my little girl , has no business being off leash , it has no business being at a dog park , it should be in obedience school , and doing intensive work with its owner when it 's not in class . At the end of the day , I 'm afraid . I 'm afraid that this dog will hurt or kill another dog , and I 'm afraid that this dog , which is probably quite a nice little creature , will suffer because its owner didn 't train the dog to have appropriate dog park behaviour . The longer I live in the city the more annoyed I get with the people around me . My dad warned me this would happen , but I didn 't really believe him until this morning . As stated I believe that well - behaved dogs are a credit to their owners and to their breed , and I will defend their being off leash , even in non - designated areas . I just wish that people would think about the qualities that their dogs should have before thy head out to the dog park . If your dog is jealous about toys you should disclose this to your fellow dog - park goers , and you should be working with your dog to eliminate this behviour . If your dog is nervous and can 't cope with loud noise and fast movement , you should accept that dog park is going to upset them , and find another enjoyable activity to do with them . Dogs are living creatures , who want so badly to make us happy and proud of them , the least we can do in return is give them the skills to cope with their environment , and to be aware of their personalities and temperaments and gear your social activities to something that is enjoyable to you both . Dogs , like people have their limitations , but also , like people , they have to be accountable for their actions as their owners we have to be accountable for the kinds of dogs that we raise and take with us into the world everyday . . The move continues . I can honestly say that I have unpacked almost 30 boxes today , but I 'm no where near done . In spite of that I 'm pretty tired , and I know that I 'm not going to have a ton of time tomorrow . But I think I have a plan , and I believe , perhaps naively that a plan will help you overcome almost anything . Cadie is not fairing as well with the unpacking as she did with the packing . Every time I drop something , or make another loud noise she jumps and runs to hide in the bathroom . When she was very young we used to leave her in the bathroom while we were out , now that she is older , I am looking to let her have the run of the apartment , because she doesn 't like the bathroom . So , I can only conclude that she is not enjoying all of the chaos associated with the move . That being said , I think that I have another 2 days of pretty intensive unpacking to do . I am almost done with the closets and I am finished with the almost 20 boxes of books . One of my major jobs for tomorrow will be taking the empties down to the garage . We had a rough start to the day , got up a little late , not too bad , but a little late . Then we headed out to the park , where we got rained on . Still , I 'm dedicated to making sure that Cadie gets her exercise , particularly when I have a ton of things to do , that will keep me from hanging out with her . I figure that it 's not fair to expect her to sit still endlessly while I work , so I try to make sure that she is looked after before I dive , headlong into my chores . That being true , Cadie got to go back to the park later this afternoon . This was great ; the sun was shinning , the air was warm , it was a wonderful late afternoon break . The walk back was good too , except for one incident involving a couple of labs , and a family who , unfortunately just got too close to each other . One of the real challenges in the city is the closeness to your neighbors . I love it , I 'm a chatty person by nature , and so I like knowing that I can always find someone to talk to , even if it 's a stranger . The issue around this , is having space for larger dogs to run around and play . There is a growing tension between dog owners and non - dog owners in my neighborhood , mostly as it relates to the use of our path . The people with the biggest complaints are the joggers who get annoyed that they have to dipsy doodle around the dogs . I don 't have much sympathy for them , it 's not a track , if they can 't cope with city traffic , they should think about moving out . But I worry about the families . Dogs and families are synonymous to me . I get that there are lots of people who dislike dogs , but still , I think that dogs are a nice addition to most families . I wish we had better off - leash areas in this neighborhood , I think that would help ease some of the tension . So it 's all over , except of the unpacking . On the whole it went pretty well . WE worked pretty solidly all day yesterday , I was up early to make a huge pot of chili , and start moving some boxes , and get ready for today . My dad , my brother and Salt 's mother were over last night , and I was dismayed to hear that I did not appear to be prepared for today 's move . That didn 't last , they got me back on track , and I am pleased to tell you that the move was more or finished by noon today . I mean , it 's still a little bit of a disaster in here , boxes everywhere , and I have a lot of teacups that still need permanent homes , but this is fairly minor in the bigger scheme of things . I am very fortunate , I will tell you the least of the reasons why , and then the most of the reasons why ; I am very fortunate to have some wonderful antiques . They were obscured in the last apartment ; however , they are now being properly showcased . More than that , I am very fortunate , not just to have antiques , but I have mementos of both of my grandmothers in my home . And while the one is still alive and only a phone call away , the other has been gone for almost 9 years , so it 's nice to have a space where I feel so connected to them both . Secondly , I am most fortunate to have great friends and family . In all I had 9 people here to help me today , and over the weekend , help that was needed and appreciated . Moving is crap , no one likes doing it , even if you are moving to a wonderful new place , it 's still crap . I 'm very thankful that I have the week to really put this place together , but I would still be wadding through furniture and other miscellanea if I hadn 't had such a great team this week . So a big , big thank you to all of those very dedicated movers , shakers , and readers of this blog . Cadie is handling the move quite well . She was panicking a little yesterday , so she stayed with Salt today , while we did the bulk of the work . And I 'm glad for that , she doesn 't need to be stressed like that , and I couldn 't have been able to do my part and still look after her . So a big thank you also goes out to Salt for being such a good paws pal . As my dad and brother were packing up to head out I had a terrible accident . I tripped on something , God only knows what , and I fell , and hit my knee cap on the marble door jamb . I screamed out the foulest of profanities , in front of my new neighbors . At first I didn 't know how bad it really was , but now I 'm convinced that it 's nothing more than a bad bruise , however , if it 's really bad tomorrow I will go to see the doctor . I did my best to reduce the swelling , I sat and watched TV with my feet up , and I made sure to cool the area with a pint of Haagen Dazs ice cream , it 's so great to see that modern medical treatments can be both effective and delicious . I knew it was going to be bad day when I got up . The day before a vacation is never a good day . Still , I had to give it a shot ; I mean if it hasn 't been today , it would have been yesterday . So I spent about 11 ½ hours at work today , trying to tie up loose ends , and came home to a world so wet the dog wouldn 't venture out into it . The good news is that I think I did a pretty good job , and I am comfortable being out of the office for the next week . The other good news is that I found a bottle of wine in my fridge . God bless you mystery wine ! It 's days like this that make you really value good relationships . People you can call who redirect your vision , and remind you of everything that you have going on for you . I have very good friends and family , and of course doggy . Tonight I also got the keys to my new place . Too bad I was half sloshed by the time the supper brought them to me . Who knew that buying dog food could be so difficult . At 2 years old we have yet to find an adult food formula that Cadie will eat , and not give her digestive issues . When Cadie was a puppy she was on a chicken - based kibble diet , and life was good , she ate happily , and had good health . Since then we 've experimented with 3 possible adult formulas , one beef - based kibble , one chicken , and finally , a neighbor gave me a sample of a lamb - based kibble . My vet explained to me , when we were first trying to switch Cadie to an adult formula that the trick is to make sure that the kibble has the same meat base as their puppy formula . I thought this was a breakthrough , so I headed back to the pet store and immediately replaced the beef - based with the more familiar chicken base . This made it more palatable to her , and I didn 't have as much trouble getting her to eat , but I still wasn 't entirely happy with the final product . Then a couple of weeks ago a neighbor gave me that sample , and I was thrilled . Cadie loved it . She stoof beside me licking her lips and wagging her tail while I was making her dinner . The digestive issues cleared up . I was convinced . So as a final sign off only I called my vet to tell her about the change to her diet . Well … lamb alone , my vet tells me , does not have enough nutrients for a dog , and can cause heart issues . No problem , I decided that I would mix the lanb - based kibble with the wet chicken food . It 's delicious , Cadie loves it , I can 't keep it in the bowl . So far though , the end result is not encouraging . I might just be 3 for 3 . What do you feed a dog like this ? It may not be ideal , but she is going to eat a little more of this food , probably until I speak with my vet , hopefully she can make some good suggestions , and finally get Cadie onto an adult dog food that will do her body good . As it is as soon as I get up from my chair she 's sniffing around trying to get at my dinner I am starving , I 've been hungry since this morning , I have no idea why . I 'm currently on my 4th glass of orange juice for the evening . Not surprisingly I am also feeling heavy . The apartment still looks like a war zone , I 'm sorry to say that I have all but lost the willingness to care . The only thought that keeps running through my mind now is that I need to have the place in reasonable order for when my friends come to help me move on Sunday . My feet are getting colder and colder as the days go by , but strangely enough I am looking more and more forward to this move everyday . I am also looking forward to being off work for a week , but I kind of wish the Olympics were still on so that I 'd have something to watch . I am lucky enough to have a friend who has lent me her camera . Cadie and I skipped our evening walk tonight and stage a photo shoot instead . I think that Cadie is a born performer . She waited patiently while I was setting up the shot and then gave me a winning smile almost every time , they look so cute , and I can 't wait to get them uploaded . I also took some photos of Uter , they are less engaging . But he is less trusting , he saw me headed his way and he retreated into his shell . So I also have those photos which are more funny than cute . A lot of my friends are quite good with cameras , and take fantastic photos . I 'm more than a little jealous . When I was in high school I had made up my mind that I was going to be a photographer . I was the one who always had a camera in my hands , and photos from last weekend 's party . Aside from the playing I did tonight I haven 't taken a photograph since my trip to Greece 4 years ago , and even then I didn 't take many , and I was unimpressed with the quality . A good friend of mine went to China at about the same time , so when we got back we had a photo - viewing party and I was very embarrassed by the quality of my photos compared with hers . Mine were pale and washed out looking , she had the most vivid and fabulous photos . Did it make a difference that I was sPosted by Moving is for the birds . I went to go and grab Cadie running harness today so that we could go for a jog , only to discover that I have packed it . I have narrowed it down to two possible boxes , but it would still take me a good 45 minutes to find it , so I have decided that Cadie will be not be coming for a jog now until after the move . Also , my home looks like a bomb has gone off here . I know that housekeeping isn 't my strength , but this is ridiculous . I took Toby 's mother down to my new apartment tonight to let her see what it looks like , and much to my despair , the new place has a very similar appearance to the old one . The bones of the new place are much nicer , but it is still dirty and has a lot of stuff sitting in weird places , just like my current apartment . I just feel like I 'm starting to lose my mind . I mean it 's so bad that today I cleaned my desk to try to calm myself down . Moving takes so much effort that poor Cadie isn 't getting the attention she needs either , I 'm really anxious for the move to be done and over with . Things are going so much better at work , it would be nice to get the home life humming again too . Then I could really lower my blood pressure , get my head back together and start to work on the other problems in my life . One step at a time I guess . One of the things that I didn 't include in yesterday 's blog was a close call that Cadie and I had . While crossing the street , with the right of way Cadie and I were almost mowed down by a crazed driver . I saw her speed up as she came flying towards us , I would have been safe no matter what , but it was close with Cadie . I gave her leash a good strong pull , and the crazy woman missed her by inches . I didn 't mention it yesterday because it upset me to the point that I was nearly crying , but now I 'm much more angry about it , so I can handle talking about it . All I would like to say is that had Cadie not been on a leash I wouldn 't still have her with me . Still I don 't think we 'll be crossing that street again any time soon . Having a dog makes for a busy social calendar . Cadie and I were totally in - demand and on the move this weekend . First we were invited to Toby 's house , where we ate hotdogs and chewy sticks . Then we were invited to Salt 's house for pizza and grooming . All in all it was a great weekend , though a tiring one . Friday night saw an epic battle between Cadie and Toby for possession of the chewy sticks . There were lots of chewy sticks for both dogs , but they just don 't share well . Toby 's mother and I tried to stay up and see this battle to its conclusion , but at 12 : 20 we had to pack it in and head to bed . The problem was that Cadie was three or four very satisfying chews away from finishing hers . The fact that I pulled her away before she was finished meant that she did not sleep that night , and if she doesn 't sleep , I don 't sleep . She spent most of the night sitting by the door hoping that I would let her out so that she could go and get her treasure . First thing in the morning , she ran out of the guest room and into the living room , where she looked frantically for her chewy stick . In the end my friend and I gave the dogs another 2 chewy sticks to keep them quiet . It didn 't work , the battle immediately started up again . Oh well , at least it was entertaining . After a good long nap Cadie and I headed over to see Salt , it was much more subdued there on Saturday night . The dogs did share a treat , and then they both crashed out . It made for a very peaceful and pleasant evening . Today was all about us , we had a good 2 hours out in the morning , a nice run around the park , and a good long street walk . The sunshine was so bright and invited that I really couldn 't face a day of sitting inside , so in the late afternoon we headed out for Yonge and York Mills , a good 3 - hour walk tonight . And now it 's time for a nice snuggle before heading to work tomorrow . I remember when Cadie was a puppy she used to get so excited about the smallest things , one time , we were struggling to get in before a huge thunder storm , or rather , I was struggling , and I was panicking , Cadie was just enjoying the day ; the dark skies , the cooler air , and all the nifty things that went flying past her face , like leaves and candy wrappers . We did not beat the storm , and as it turns out , Cadie does not like rain . So I had to carry her the rest of the way home , she stayed relatively dry , while I got soaked . This morning 's walk was a lot like this one , just without the threat of oncoming rain . As I said , it was chilly , but not so cold that Cadie had to wear her coat . So already she was in seventh heaven . But I was still surprised by what followed . Anyone walking along would have thought she was still a puppy , in fact many people said as much as we passed them . Watching Cadie get so much joy from something as simple , and as basic as an early morning walk , was by far the best part of my day . The rest of the day was crap . I shouldn 't complain , and I have promised myself that I will not . The ugliest thing about a blog , in my opinion , is listening to people complain about their jobs . Let 's be honest some of us have terrible jobs , almost all of us have terrible days at our jobs , and only some of you have fabulous jobs full of great days . My point is two fold , first no one wants to read or listen to another person whine about their situation ; and second , this is meant to be my escape from my job . The way that I can tell myself that I am something more than what superiors " see " in me ; this is the place where my goals and aspirations matter . Still , I find working so strange . I find it strange that in a world where so many people are dissatisfied with some aspect of their jobs that we haven 't found a way to fix this problem . I know that I have it pretty good . I 've been able to keep my job throughout this recession ; I have a nice home , and a wonderful dog , all possible because of my job . I have also been very fortunate to have received an excellent education , which has allowed me to think about my life in terms of a career , and not simply as a wage , and for all of these things I am very grateful . I guess I just find it strange that we can all get up every morning , pull ourselves away from where we really want to be and go somewhere we hate . Cadie is not my only pet . I also have a nice little turtle named Uter . Uter , according to my youngest brother , is a Mississippi Map turtle , you can read all about them here http : / / en . wikipedia . org / wiki / Mississippi _ Map _ Turtle . My brother has a lot of turtles as pets , but Uter just never fit . Apparently Uter has very serious psychological issues . My brother has I think 4 or 5 , a giant one , named Johnny Cakes , and 3 or 4 other smaller , and younger ones . Uter lived with the smaller and younger ones , but he never really fit in . He would freak out frequently . And by freak out I mean that he would try to jump out of the tank , swim out of the tank , and when that didn 't work he would bite the other turtles , which meant that my brother had to find a new home for him . Instead of posting him for sale on Craig 's List , I took ownership of poor little Uter . Since then he has grown fat , and has had to adapt to living with a dog . For the most part Cadie ignores him , and he ignores her . It 's a bigger problem when we have dog friends over , they are fascinated by this little moving thing in the corner . It 's funny though how quickly these animals can grow on you . It 's easy to look at a dog like Cadie and fall in love . She 's fluffy , with nice soft fur , and such full cheeks , and a very sweet expression that just wins you over . Uter is the polar opposite . He 's cold and wet , and hides whenever you come in a room . He seems to hate being at my place , though that seems to have improved as we continue to build up his tank . Everything being equal , I have to tell you that I looked at little Uter tonight and discovered that I love him , you know in the appropriate owner / pet kind of way . I like to think that Uter has become , if not fond of me , than at least less scared of me . He now comes over to the side of the tank , and floats next to me while I 'm putting my boots on . And he doesn 't swim so far away from me when I walk over to the tank . I think too , that he is even starting to get used to Cadie . Tonight she went looking for him . Posted by The weather was so wonderful today . It 's the second day in a row when I really feel that spring is just around the corner . Cadie and I didn 't even attempt the trail today . We had a call late in the afternoon yesterday from a friend who warned us that it was stew . So we have been walking up and down the streets today . Right after work we walked down Yonge St . to St . Claire , then came back up Mt . Pleasant St . After dinner we met Salt and her owner and headed north up Mt . Pleasant to the Yonge and Lawrence area , then came back south down Yonge Street . I love taking my dog walks on the street , because I love to window shop . As it turns out Cadie also loves to shop . She pulls me toward Bark and Fitz , and tonight she stood and stared into Global Pet Store . That 's where I buy her food , and when I take her in there the staff make a huge fuss over her . Cadie does love being the centre of attention . As I said , I love those days when it is still winter , but you can definitely feel spring in the air . Today Cadie and I were invited to our first barbeque of the season . We 'll be barbequing outside and eating inside , but still , it 's always nice to be reminded that summer is right around the corner . And on that happy , warm thought I am headed to bed . Today was an extremely aggravating day , nothing major , just a lot of little things . As I walked into the subway I realized that I had forgotten my Metro pass , which meant that I had to go back home for it . Now if that was the only thing that had gone wrong I would have been alright , the sun was shinning , it was 3 degrees , and I was excited to come home and get Cadie out for a good long walk . But after work I remembered that I had to go to the bank . I spent 40 minutes at one bank , then headed over to another bank to make a deposit that absolutely had to be done by 6 today . I was standing in line , waiting as patiently as possible until the banking machine was turned off . That 's right , the wonderful bank workers saw an ATM vestibule full of people and decided to turn off the machine . My all - important deposit was not made . So this is not good for me , but what can I do . I made the deposit later while we were out for our evening walk . I also broke a lamp while I was playing with Cadie , I am really looking forward to going to bed . I really wish I had a TV in the bedroom . . While the warmer weather is fabulous , it means that Cadie is in full spring mode , stopping to check every scent , and really dragging her feet . The only plus is that she seems to tire out a lot more quickly . Still , it 's too bad as I was looking forward to coming home and relaxing , which , of course , involves walking a well - behaved dog . Everyone who looks after animals or children knows that they occasionally have days when you can 't figure out what happened . Days when you look at that impudent , impish face and think : " Who are you , and what have you done with my good dog ? " On these days I call Cadie Changeling , and shockingly , she responds to it . I take this to be proof positive that my dog is laying on a hilltop somewhere and I just have to outsmart whatever supernatural power is holding her captive . It always seems to work , Changeling never stays long , so I know that Cadie will be back again soon . On the plus side we ran into Salt and her mother again , and both dogs were really excited to see each other , so at least that 's normal . Finally , I understand that some of you are having trouble posting comments . I too have struggled with this function . I handled it by writing out my comment , and then selected preview , I then posted through that application . It might take some fiddling to sort it out , but I hope you will keep trying . If we really can 't make it work , I will look at moving to different software . |
Today is Stella 's birthday , so I sang Happy Birthday to her as soon as she got out of bed , just to start her day out right . . . I also gave her the day off for cooking and did without breakfast . Beside that , we didn 't have any milk for cereal . I knew that we were going out for dinner tonight , so it 's not like we 're going without food today . I called the insurance company to get things rolling on the truck repairs and learned that I need to get it back to the dealer for photos and so they would know to order the parts . We were soon on our way to Cook Ford , where we met with the body shop manager Melissa . She soon had her pictures and told me of the things I needed to get done before bringing the truck in . With that done , we went to buy some groceries before going home . It got cold after the sun went down and I was sorry I hadn 't worn either long sleeves or taken a jacket , but we weren 't outside very long . The truck was soon warmed up and we were toasty all the way home . I had posted on Facebook about being at the restaurant for Stella 's birthday and many of our friends wished her a happy day , so it had been a good day for her . Maybe someday , she 'll get on Facebook too . Today I went to get information on getting the truck repaired , and boy , was I in for a surprise ! It has been FOREVER since I 've had to go through the hassle of having body work done at a dealership or anywhere else . Wow , what a deal ! I remember when a car dealer offered a low cost or no cost loaner car out of their fleet , in hope of a customer having a repair made at their body shop , actually buying one of their line . Not only that , how much more convenient could it be for a customer to come to your store , drop of their vehicle for work to be done , and then drive out in a rental / loaner car . Then when the work is completed , they bring the dealer 's car back , settle up the bill and leave in their own car . Not so much like that now . . . At any rate , I went to a Ram dealer and learned that they don 't even have a body shop , but referred me to an outside shop that I was not impressed at all with . It was a long drive from the dealer , in a rough industrial neighborhood and then , instead of estimating a good repair , they wanted to knock the dent out and then use ( a lot ) of Bondo to make the repair . Maybe that 's the way this dealership makes repairs , but I want it done right , so it won 't come back to bite me later . I contacted my insurance company and learned that they have a " preferred dealer " network . I used a couple of their suggestions and got some better results . I think I have found the place to have the work done . Now to work out the details , and I 'll put the truck in the shop in the next couple of days and it will be all shiny and repaired soon . I woke this morning , watching the television weather and traffic reports with interest . I had heard that we were getting a cold front through this morning and that rain was expected . Of course , the news media says " Severe Weather " in that big voice , to frighten everyone listening , but if you listen carefully , the chance of rain was about 40 % and expected to be east of I - 45 , so the Severe Weather wasn 't so much after all . What was very interesting was a traffic accident that had backed traffic up to the Rayford - Sawdust exit and the wait time was approximately an hour and a half . Wow ! We decided to put off our leaving time for a bit , so I began packing up about 8 : 30 , with a projected departure time of 10 . We made it almost exactly on time , pulling out of the park about 10 minutes after 10 . The traffic backup had disappeared and we breezed through without slowing down . In fact , we were in Dickinson , about 10 miles from the park exactly an hour after leaving . That 70 mile tow seemed like a breeze ! When we arrived , we learned that the site that we had been promised was still taken , so we chose another site after asking GM David what he wanted us to do . We got all set up and were relaxing when we got a visit from Stacy , the park manager . She said that the site we were in was the longest in the park ( which we had noticed ) and that it had been promised to another customer and that we would have to move . We finished up the move about 4 and relaxed for awhile before fixing some soup and a sandwich for supper . We were hungry because we hadn 't eaten all day ! Kim called and we went over to visit them . The boys were glad to see us and it was good to spend time with them . We learned that Tyler has two band performances on Saturday in Texas City and Cameron has a baseball tournament on Sunday in Katy , so there goes our weekend ! It 's been a long time since we 've seen them play , and we will have fun with them . Looking forward to the weekend ! Today was another slow day around here . We had some noisy neighbors in a motorhome that left early this morning . No , they didn 't play loud music or anything like that , they just made a lot of banging and clanging around as they loaded up to leave . I 'm pretty sure they didn 't do it on purpose , but when you 're leaving at the ungodly hour of 6 : 30 , please don 't slam baggage doors and the front door of their home . It makes the old folks next door unhappy . About the only constructive thing we did today was wash clothes . It seems like that 's all we do , but Stella likes to keep things clean . Me , I 'm not that picky , and I don 't think my jeans need washing every time I put them on . I mean , I 'm not getting out and rolling around in the dirt , or doing work in them and getting them all sweaty . At any rate , we went to the little washateria here in the park and found that it is a little cheaper here . Whatever , I 'll take it ! I want to do a little review of this park , as we prepare to leave tomorrow . It 's a nice , quiet little park with a lot of potential . There is too much bare dirt around here . I don 't mind dirt or gravel sites , but some grass to walk on would be really nice . The blacktop roads need repair and I 've already heard that it 's planned , so I 'll be interested in seeing what happens while we 're away . We 'll return to this park next time we 're in the north Houston / Conroe area . It was cool this morning and both of us slept in . Cold weather sure makes for good sleeping ! When I got up , I found an email from S . Texas Chapter Leader Tom and Marti , asking if we wanted to get together for lunch . They are in our area today , so we agreed to meet at The Sweet Tomato restaurant , one of my favorite places to eat when in Houston . It was their first time to go and I think they enjoyed it . We had a great meal and spend about two hours chatting after our meal . It was a nice way to spend the lunch hour ( s ) . We hadn 't been home for very long before Tommy and Susan called , asking us if we wanted to meet them for supper . Well , it had been about three hours since we had eaten , so we met them at the 3B 's Burger place near Rayford . They have great burgers and Stella and I split one , since we had eaten not long ago . After our meal , we went over to Rayford where they were staying . We sat outside in the cool evening and had a nice visit with them . I 've gotta admit that it did feel good to be back at Rayford . Maybe someday . . . I woke up early to drive over to Rayford Crossing to have coffee with the guys . I had talked to Tommy and told him of my plan so he could be there to let me in and it worked out perfectly . As I walked up , I talked to a couple of the guys who were outside smoking , but then Tommy opened the door for me and all of them were very surprised . I wish I had a small video camera to take the surprised looks on their faces , because no one knew or expected me to be there . There were 15 or 16 guys there and I knew all of them but a couple . It was very good to see my old friends , and we had a nice visit before the coffee ran out and we all split up to leave . I went by and talked to Big John and Jan , who had just bought a new Montana trailer that was being delivered later today , and also saw Jerry and Diane , Jim and Reta and Roy and June . It was so good to see so many of my friends and it makes me miss coming to Rayford and all the memories there . I came back home and picked up a couple of donuts for Stella to eat for breakfast - what a good husband I am . . . Tommy and Susan invited us over to their place at Rayford for lunch with them and also Warren and Judy , some more old friends . We had a great lunch of soup that Susan had made , and got caught up on what has been going on at Rayford . We later walked down to see John and Jan 's new trailer . It is nice and I hope that they enjoy it . It has bunk beds for their grandkids and that will come in handy . We ran a couple of errands and came on back home in time for a nap . We 've been so busy lately that I haven 't been able to nap as much and my chair missed me . It had been a good day and I was ready ! We left the Coastal Bend area this morning . We had a great time visiting with our friends at the Meet and Greet and look forward to coming back next season . Stella and I talked about it on the trip today but haven 't made up our minds about when we 'll be back . Here is the picture of the damage to the fender on my truck . I just couldn 't see that tree in the blind spot and this is the result . Anyone do body work ? We pulled out about 9 : 40 and made good time going down Hwy . 35 . Before turning off , I was getting more than 13 mpg by the truck computer . I know , I know , they 're not accurate , but I 'd rather be showing 13 than 8 ! We made only one stop today , at the Buccee 's store in Wharton . Love me some Buccee 's ! We got some sandwiches and kept on rolling . It 's a good thing we weren 't depending on this station for fuel . All of the pumps were down fore remodeling but the store was open . We made it to Woodland Lakes RV Park about 2 o ' clock and were soon checked in . The couple that is working here also have a Landmark , but their 's is a 2006 Mount Rushmore . They said they love their classic Landmark and we had a nice chat with them about it . The man , Fred , is quite a character and I am looking forward to our stay here . Please stay tuned . The Winter Texan band getting ready to play . There was a good turnout of about 50 - 60 people here today . All of us are staying in the Coastal bend area of Aransas Pass , Rockport and Fulton . I 'm sure that there may have been people staying in other areas . Let the dancing begin . Not many dancers out there yet . Even Jim and Nancy got out on the dance floor . I think that 's Bernie , the Happy Kraut behind Jim with his new Heartland cap on . There 's Bernie , doffing his hat to me . I think he 's just teasing me with that new cap . I 'll catch him napping and then I 'll doff the hat at HIM ! Don and Monica rode with us to the event . Don , being from this area , was kind enough to take us for a tour the other day , so I drove today . When I backed into the parking space , I didn 't see a tree that was in my blind spot and hit it with my right fender . Big ol ' bo - bo on the truck . I 'll post some pictures tomorrow . I 'm still nursing the cuts and bruises from Stella . . . We were supposed to meet a group of Heartlanders this morning at The Bakery Cafe in downtown Aransas Pass but when we got there , it was closed for remodeling . I called Karen to ask and learned that she had changed the location to Moby Dick 's Restaurant on Port Aransas island across the bay from Aransas Pass . I soon learned that my camera was missing the memory card , so all the pictures are from my phone . We rode the ferry across to the island , the first time I 've been on a ferry for a long time . When I was a kid in Galveston I rode the ferry often , over to the Bolivar Peninsula . The ferries in Galveston are much larger and there is only one boat in the dock at a time . Here there are four docks but today only two were operating . With the smaller boats , they run the short distance pretty fast and the wait wasn 't very long between boats . We rode with Don and Monica today . He and his family own a house in Rockport so he is very familiar with the area . He took us on a tour of Rockport and Fulton and ended up at the Goose Island state park . Here you see the Goose Island Oak , which is estimated at being 1500 years old and is the oldest and certified as the largest live oak tree in Texas . These are some of the " babies " of the big oak tree . They , and several other live oaks are near their " mother tree " and have a very interesting root structure . With the drought , the roots are above the surface of the ground and are so close to each other , it is impossible to tell which tree they belong to . Here is Stella standing below the park sign . In the background you can see the fishing pier that is also a feature of the park . Goose Island is a very small state park at 307 acres . There are few RV sites and none that we saw with full hookups . I am sure that this is because they are on an island and cannot take a chance on a sewage spill or leak . Without knowing more about the amenities , I don 't think this is a place that we 'd stay , but we have friends that wanted to work camp here . We came home and relaxed until supper time . We decided to go with Don and Monica to Charlotte Plummer , a seafood restaurant in Fulton . The group was going to The Boiling Pot but neither Don nor I wanted only boiled food for supper , so we chose the other location . The food was good and we enjoyed our meal together . After supper we returned home , full and content . It had been a great day and we are looking forward to tomorrow . We got up about 7 and began packing up to leave . I did a little visiting as people pulled out but still made decent time in getting things ready to go . I was ready before 9 , but of course , I had to wait for the inside to be finished . We pulled out about 9 : 45 or about 45 minutes later than we had wanted . We only have about 250 miles or so to go today , so it will be okay . We stopped at a Subway in Floresville but it turned out to be a bad decision . Stella didn 't like the sandwich she got but I liked mine . And beside that , they didn 't have coffee , which made her even more unhappy . I tried to save the day by stopping at a service station at the next little town and bought her some coffee but she didn 't like that either . It was too strong , or had a burnt taste , but mine was fine . I guess it just wasn 't my day . We made good time to Rockport but then had a bit of adventure in finding this park . We had the park address in the GPS but it took us down a back street and almost took us down a dead end street . Stella called and got directions to the park but then there was more drama when we had to wind ourselves into the driveway . At least this is a Passport America park and we stayed here for half price or less than $ 50 for our three day stay ! It made it all worth while . We got in and settled and later met our neighbor , Jack . He told us about his trip to Alaska last summer . We would love to make that trip one day but there are many other places on our bucket list to visit before we go to Alaska . Our friends Don and Monica came in later in the afternoon . We made plans to go to Aransas Pass tomorrow with them for our breakfast meeting . We are looking forward to seeing more old friends and some new ones as well . Pictures to follow . Sunday morning , Nelly made more muffins but we weren 't very hungry , so we didn 't go over . We just stayed in and began getting things ready to go tomorrow when we leave for Rockport . Stella got our clothes gathered up and went to wash them while I stayed home and started putting things away . I did the usual stuff , taking down the porch and stairs and generally picking things up and putting them in their travel position . I stopped by and talked with Terry Nance , an old friend from the Texas Boomers . He has been one of the founders of the Sweetheart rally and it was good to catch up with my old friend . He has a ranch in the south Texas area that has been the center of the latest oilfield rush . Lucky guy . . . He has lived in his town all his life , but it thinking about moving away because of all the activity in town . It 's sad to see , but I can see his point . Sunday evening , we went to the rally hall for the final dinner of the rally - a potluck - with anyone that wanted to bring something to cook on the large grill outside . Stella cut the remainder of our steak off the bone from the other night 's 32 ounce steak . She cooked it up with some peppers and onions and put it all on a tortilla , which we ate with the veggie potluck dishes . It was a delicious meal and we had a good time visiting with both old and new friends . A couple of games of dominoes broke out after the meal was finished but we were tired of playing and went back home . Stella worked some more on getting things ready to go in the morning . This morning was the park breakfast in the rally hall , but we decided to go out for a breakfast buffet with our friends Don and Monica . Monica was recently made the Chapter Leader of the Colorado chapter and we were actually at the rally where this took place . We had heard some bad reports on the park breakfast , so this was a good chance to visit with them . At the end of our meal , we returned to the park and they went to visit some family in San Antonio . Saturday night we had the big barbecue meal with a choice of chicken and brisket or a rack of ribs . Of course , Stella chose the ribs and I got the chicken and brisket . The chicken was very good but the brisket left something to be desired . It wasn 't bad exactly but it wasn 't real good either . Oh well , we had a good time with our friends anyway . After some cheesy door prizes were awarded , there were more dominoes to be played . I was tired and stayed home but Stella played and didn 't get home until 12 : 30 . The dogs and I were piled up under the covers but they flew out when the front door opened . I would have been safe if it had been anyone but Stella . Nice to feel safe . . . Friday morning , I took our large coffee maker over to the rally hall for a breakfast of " Nelly Muffins " . These are pre mixed bran muffins that she adds different flavors into to make delicious breakfast muffins . Most of the rally - folks came down for breakfast , and those that didn 't make it missed a real treat . We came on back home and hung out for the rest of the day , enjoying the great weather . It was cold in the morning but it warmed up during the afternoon without a cloud in the sky , and we loved it ! Kerrville is allegedly in a water shortage , so vehicle washing is not allowed except by the only washing service allowed in here . I looked on the city 's website and saw nothing that prohibited washing vehicles , but did spell out lawn watering . Later in the evening , we all went to Mamacita 's Restaurant for a good Mexican meal . Michael and Kelly rode with us to eat , and we all had a good time together . We almost completely filled the banquet room , and everyone enjoyed their meal . We came back to the park and played Mexican Train again . I had a good game tonight and probably won but Bobcat didn 't add up the scores , so I really don 't know who won . I know that I went out twice and caught the others with lots of points in their hands , but we all had a good time . We didn 't stay up all that late either . A good group of us , about 20 or so , drove over to Boerne to the Tweety 's store to do some shopping for RV parts and equipment . Stella and I did not find anything we couldn 't live without , so nothing was bought . I recently learned that they are moving the store from this location to Bulverde TX where the business began . Apparently they don 't do enough in walk - in sales . Most of their business is done by phone or on the Internet . We came back home to get cleaned up to go to the Valentine celebration steak dinner . We are amazed at the quality of these 32 ounce T - bone steaks . They are all the same size , and cooked to perfection . One side is more done ( doner ? ) than the other , so you have a choice of medium or well done , but both taste really good . A large group stayed to play more dominoes tonight , but since I had stayed up past midnight the night before , I went home . I didn 't feel to well anyway , so I went home and stayed with the puppies and tried to keep them warm . We went to bed before 10 and were snuggled in the bed when Stella got home about 12 : 30 . I only know what time it was because the dogs woke me when they jumped up to see who was coming in . Luckily it was only Stella . I would have hated to see someone lose a leg or something to these ferocious dogs . They are killers ! Especially when they are woke up . Today was the official kickoff day for the 2013 Sweetheart Rally . We started out the morning at Jim Beletti 's trailer for a small breakfast with some other friends . We came back home and hung out trying to decide what to do today . Tom and Marti & Pat and Lori wanted to go to the old Gibson 's store in Kerrville , so we soon loaded up and went to town . The store has the exact same sign as the original stores had . I worked at the stores in La Marque , Texas City and Seabrook that were owned by Bob Sterling , my first wife 's father . When I left , I was an assistant manager of the store and managed the sporting good department , as well as being the buyer for that department . At one time , I managed and was the buyer for the camera and electronics departments too , which certainly kept me busy ! At any rate . the visit to the Kerrville store brought back many memories . This store looks a lot like the old stores but now has many knick - knacks and hand made items as well as huge selections in their hardware and houseware departments . It is like a throwback to the old fashioned small town hardware stores . We have shopped here before and will return in the future . We ended up at a place called Buzzie 's Barbecue for lunch . The food was pretty good and we enjoyed the company . We thought about taking a drive down to an RV supply store in Boerne but decided that it was too far to go today . We had the opening Meet and Greet to go to this afternoon and Stella and I needed to stop by a grocery store before going back home , so we split up and did our shopping . After the Meet and Greet , we all met at Jim B 's trailer for some hot dogs . We sat around a propane firepit furnished by Bernie the Happy Kraut and a propane heater that Tom Mangum had brought . We sat outside until it got too cold to sit comfortably and went over to the rally hall for dominoes . We all had a great time and stayed over there until about 11 : 30 when our Mexican Train game finally ended . Of course , I did pretty well throughout the game but ended losing badly because of the number of points I held in my last hand . At least it wasn 't as cold this morning as had been forecast . It was still plenty chilly , but I only saw 49 degrees on my thermometer instead of 34 . The fireplace soon warmed things up nicely . I walked down to the other end of the park to visit Michael and Kelly . I don 't know why we are so spread out , but I guess that 's the way things go around here . I think the park could have done a much better job of assigning sites , but that 's just my opinion . We didn 't do anything today but stay around here and visit with our friends that were already here and more that arrived later in the afternoon . The weather turned off nice with bright sunny skies but it was very windy all day . It started getting cool in the late afternoon , so we all went our separate ways at suppertime . It was a nice , relaxing day , visiting with friends . The rally starts tomorrow , so I 'll likely have more to report . Maybe I 'll eat another big breakfast to have the energy to walk all the way down to the other end of the park again . At least I 'll get my walking mileage in . . . I purposely skipped a Sunday entry because all we did was prepare to leave on Monday . Stella washed up our clothes at Bentsen Palms ( next door ) and I put a few things away , including the large trash dumpster back into the coach house . I then took the keys back to Eddy , Ken and Kathy 's friend who lives down the street . We got an early start on Monday morning , but we had all agreed to meet at the rest stop just after the Border Patrol checkpoint near Falfurrias TX . We intended to leave about 9 but it was 9 : 15 when we pulled out . It 's an easy drive and we made good time with no slowdowns or stops . It seemed like before we knew it , we were at the rest stop meeting up with our friends who had been waiting . They had gotten up even earlier than us , and had been on the road much earlier than we were . They didn 't mind waiting for us , so after a quick stop , we were all packed up and ready to go . We agreed to stop at a truck stop along the way and found a Love 's station just past Three Rivers TX . We all got something to eat but when pulling back out onto the highway , who should we see but our friend Jim McGee and his wife Bette . They pulled in between me and Roy and rode with us until just before San Antonio when they turned off to pick up something to eat . We didn 't stop again until we got to the park , where we saw many of our other Heartland friends who had already arrived . It didn 't take too long before we were all set up . A group of friends were going to eat at a local restaurant , but we were still full from the truck stop meal , so we stayed here and visited with Pat and Lori and later Jim and Bette came over . We had a nice chat with all of them before retiring for the night . I 've got to tell you about the weather changes . When we left Mission the temperature was about 70 , a normal temp for south Texas . Incidentally , yesterday was a blistering hot day in Mission with temps reaching 100 degrees ! We had to turn on both air conditioners to keep cool . Back to the present , we knew it was going to be cooler in Kerrville , but when we got here , the temperature was 55 degrees ! Not really all that cold , but going from 100 one day to 55 was a shocker ! We 'll be in these cooler temps all week here . Maybe by the time we get back to Houston , things will be back to normal . I 'm ready for winter to be over . Jim and Nancy left this morning , so after seeing them off , we met Roy and Sally & Kevin and Nelly at the border crossing into Mexico . The first stop we made was at Rene 's Bakery for a quick meal . Michael and Kelly couldn 't come with us because Michael had invited us over to their place this afternoon , so he had to stay home and clean up to get ready for their guests . Here 's the " gang " , chowing down on some delicious Mexican food . We all enjoy the food over here and have never had a problem with eating and drinking . The restaurants are careful to serve only bottled water that is delivered to the table unopened , but Stella and I drink coffee , even though it 's not prepared in front of us . We 've never had a problem from drinking it across the border . Many other winter Texans also drink coffee , and we 've heard no problems . And the band played on . . . This trip plays at Rene 's and we 've heard them several times . I also saw them walking along the street this afternoon . They seemed to be playing ( for tips ) but I was inside and couldn 't hear them . Here I am , getting my very first ever pedicure . I know the ladies get them and seem to love the way their feet feel after , but although they didn 't hurt me at all , it didn 't really feel all that " wonderful " to me . I 'll have another one the next time we 're here . That girl seems to be paying special attention to Stella 's feet . Here is a sunrise picture , taken out the back window of the trailer . We are lucky here that we don 't have any neighbors beside us and a green belt behind , so we don 't have to close the blinds . We 're gonna miss this place . For our last full day here with the entire " crew " , we hung out with Jim and Nancy , who are leaving tomorrow . Jim had been wanting some authentic Mexican food , and had talked to someone that had suggested a place called the Hidalgo Tacqueria on Expressway 83 . He needed to go to the air horn store to buy some fittings for his horn installation , so we rode with him to get what he needed . We also made a couple more stops for Stella and Nancy to pick up some items for the doggies before we met the rest of the group at the Tacqueria for lunch . It was different ! Everything in the restaurant is in Spanish and all the employees only spoke Spanish , so it was a bit of a challenge to order food . The employees are used to " gringos " eating there and they could communicate a little bit , at least enough to take our drink orders . We had a trump card in Nelly , who speaks and reads Spanish , but to make it even easier , we all ate about the same thing . We all had an assortment of tacos , so that wasn 't too hard to order . The tacos are small , almost bite - sized but well seasoned and delicious . We all enjoyed our meal and had a great time together . Another thing that was different about this place was the salsa . The waitress brought one basket of chips but we served ourselves for the salsa . There were about five different salsa choices , from a very mild green to three that were red and marked spicy , then another green with bits of green veggies including avocado that was marked very spicy . We called it three mile island ! It not only caused my nose to run , it bled ! First time for that ! One of the spicy reds had a bad fishy taste that no one liked . Some of us mixed the three mile island with the mild green and made something that we were able to eat on our tacos that didn 't light our tongue on fire . We all went home for naps and some relaxation for the afternoon but met again for ice cream at the Marble Slab store about 7 o ' clock . We pretty - much took over the store and enjoyed our ice cream and it was the perfect way to end the week . We will miss Jim and Nancy , but made plans to get together tomorrow afternoon for a potluck dinner . Life goes on . . . Our friends Dan and Karen ( Karen 's blog ) came down from Aransas Pass where they have been staying for the winter season . Although I have been in contact with Karen quite a bit , we haven 't seen them since we were in Gillette Wyoming for the Heartland rally last June . Karen is hosting a Heartland Owner Meet and Greet later this month . Maybe I 'll stop taking photos with my I - Phone . I cut out Michael sitting on the left , but you can see Stella , Dan , Jim , Nancy , Kelly and Karen sitting beside our trailer where we had a nice visit before going out to eat at Cheddar 's Restaurant , another of our favorites . We stayed in the restaurant about 2 hours talking and catching up . Jim gave Karen a quick lesson in using her I - Pad and they downloaded some apps . I 'm still resisting buying one , but after seeing Jim use his , I can see how it could come in handy . We came back here and visited a bit more , going over the rally stats for the upcoming national rally in Goshen . There are 240 signed up as of this afternoon after only a few days of registration . It 's amazing to see the clamor over this rally . I am so glad to see many friends at the rally . Today four of us got together for a " Man 's Day Out " . Jim , Kevin and I met Dave at a restaurant that Dave knows about called Danny 's in Mission for breakfast . This was my choice for breakfast , Migas , a Tex - Mex mixture of scrambled eggs , tortilla strips , chicken and veggies . It makes a delicious meal and I enjoyed it . It was a great way to begin our day out . Dave wasn 't feeling well and had to go back home but Jim , Kevin and I went on . We went to Tractor Supply , Air Horns of Texas , Harbor Freight where we looked at manly things . Jim picked out a train horn that is similar to mine and after giving it much thought , we returned to the store and he bought one . When our shopping was finished and we ran a few errands , we returned home with the new horn . We crawled around under Jim 's truck ( we had gone in Kevin 's truck ) , deciding where the horn should be mounted but since we didn 't have all of the hardware needed to actually mount it , we put everything away for another day . We stayed over at Jim and Nancy 's place until the dogs needed attention and went home for the night . Our Men 's Day had been a lot of fun and was a complete success . Maybe another time , we 'll do it again . We took a day off today to take care of some errands and to relax . I took a nice walk in the morning and when done , I ran into Jim who told me that he and Nancy were going to the Birding Sanctuary this morning . It was getting warm , so I took a pass and decided to stay home . When they returned he said it had been hot , so I 'm kinda glad we didn 't go . We went to the Post Office and picked up some mail and went to Wal Mart and bought a few things , including over $ 200 in fuel ! I filled up both tanks but it still hurts . Oh , I long for the days of long ago when fuel prices were much lower ! I 'm afraid those days are long gone and will never return . When I was a kid , driving my Mustang , $ 200 in gas would have lasted a couple of months ! I will say that this fuel should last us until we leave in March for our summer trip , but really . . . . ! Stella fixed biscuits with jelly and sausage this morning and Jim and Nancy brought some scrambled eggs , so the four of us had a delicious breakfast to start the day . Cassie and Tramp were left outside while we ate but they didn 't mind , they were too busy barking at the walkers and other doggies that were walking by . It is really nice that Ken and Kathy have a cable attached to the coach house for a dog run . Tramp and Cassie like it because they can get outside and run around for a bit and get plenty of fresh air . We met our old friends Tom and Judy at Cheddar 's restaurant this afternoon . We had a nice visit with them during supper and decided to change our dessert location from Dairy Queen to Marble Slab which was nearby . Kevin and Nellie & Roy and Sally met us there , so we had a party ! It was good to see Tom and Judy again after they moved out to Edinburg , quite a distance from Mission . Tom and Judy went home but the rest of us came over to Jim and Nancy 's to sit outside and chat until the winds sent me in a bit earlier than the rest of the group . I have been feeling poorly for the past few days and the wind , which is a constant down here , caused my nose to run and made my cough worse , so I came inside and kept the doggies company . The dogs and I went to bed early and I covered up to sweat out my cold , and apparently it worked because I feel much better today . Our little group will start to break up soon with several of us going to Kerrville for the Sweetheart rally . We will be leaving next Monday but it 's a short drive . We 'll be looking forward to seeing some other friends there . We drove over to South Padre Island for the Kite Fest . I have spent a good amount of time on the island when I was working for the City of Missouri City , attending conferences and executive committee meetings . It was a nice time and always enjoyed the trips . On one side were the larger kites that were fixed to a vehicle or another structure . The announcer said that these are impossible to hold and use climbing ropes and professional - grade equipment to fly . They are beautiful and colorful and fun to watch . The video below is amazing ! Each kite is controlled by an individual , and I am totally surprised at how close they fly and how well choreographed they are . We stopped off at Dirty Al 's for a delicious seafood dinner . We were all stuffed when we left ! Jim checked out a few Munzees on the way back home but we didn 't find any . We were within a few feet of one , but couldn 't spot it . It was our first time to play and seems to be an interesting way to pass some time . I 'm not sure whether we 'd ever play , but thank you Jim for showing us how it is done . This morning , several of us met at Furr 's Fresh Buffet for their buffet breakfast . Seven couples met and had breakfast and spent time together , laughing and chatting . I wish more of our heartland friends had come , but it 's their loss ! We all had a great time and enjoyed the huge buffet . I highly recommend Furr 's for any meal but the breakfast is especially good . Ted and Donna came by to pick us up to see an entertainer named Rainey , who did an imitation of Patsy Cline . She did a pretty good job and we enjoyed singing along with the old songs that she sang . We met Kevin and Nelly , who had also come over to the Chimney Rock RV Park for the performance . This park is right on the Rio Grande river and there is a large group of Border Patrol vehicles parked here . I guess this is one of their meeting points for patrolling the river . There is a levee on the east side of this park with a narrow road coming into the park . I don 't think I 'd want to stay here but it might be worth going back to during the day to look at it further . We had a delightful meal at Rene 's Bakery with most having Mexican dishes but I had breakfast , which I love . After lunch we went into a barber / beauty shop and everyone but Nancy and I got a haircut . Kelly and Michael had pedicures but if I get one , it will be a later trip over . We strolled around the streets and Jim and Nancy made some purchases of some yard art for their home in Tennessee . Most of us bought medicines but no one bought any liquor . We crossed back into the US without too many problems . One of our group was questioned , but was allowed in , so all is well . Six of us stopped off at the Dairy Queen that was still offering the BOGO ( buy one - get one free ) and enjoyed a Blizzard to celebrate coming home . Michael and Kelly were still getting hair cuts and pedicures , so they didn 't make it with us . We went back home to rest for a bit before going over to Jim and Nancy 's trailer where he worked on the upcoming rally . We helped some and he soon had everything worked out and was ready to begin registering . I was amazed to learn how fast the rally went ! It was later learned that in less than 24 hours , 213 Heartlanders had signed up for the rally ! While sitting around enjoying some " adult beverages " we had some good fun with Kevin , who ended up on the floor because his chair collapsed . I know it could have been dangerous , but it was funny and he wasn 't injured . It has been SO much fun to spend time with our friends . It was a very interesting museum and we enjoyed it a lot . When we got through , we decided to go to Chili 's for our supper because they had a coupon . Coupons Rule ! ! ! We all had a good meal and enjoyed good conversation with our friends . As you can see , everyone seemed to have a good time and they enjoyed their free lunches . We estimated that we had between 150 & 160 in attendance . Here are the Hoover employees that worked hard to make us feel welcome and serve some very tasty burgers and dogs . Hoover got a Landmark San Antonio for the open house and there was a lot of interest in it . Several members said they may be in the market for this rig , but so far , no purchases . They may buy from their local dealer when they go home , so I guess from Heartland 's view , a sale is a sale . About eight of us stayed after the show was over , visiting among ourselves and with other customers that came in . We didn 't leave until about 3 o ' clock , and went to the local Dairy Queen for a snack before going home . They had a special buy one - get one free sale so we all enjoyed a nice ice treat treat . Of course I had only milk with fruit but it was disguised as a Blizzard . That 's my story ! |
I was too upset to sleep . Erica had actually called me a loser . True things had gone bad for me over that last two weeks but I wasn 't a loser . I was in bed lying on top of the blankets with my hands behind my head as I reviewed the argument in my head . I was having , without a doubt , the worst two weeks of my life . My boss had accused me of being either incompetent or unethical and had fired me . I was still confused about what had happened . On top of everything else , on Wednesday Erica came home and announced that she was going to Los Angeles for a week of training and that she would be leaving Monday morning . " You want me to give up this opportunity because you screwed up and lost your job ? " Erica shouted . " You know my job is just as important to me as yours was to you and now that I am the only one of us with a job it 's even more important . " " I know this is important to you , " I said . " I just thought that under the circumstances you could arrange to take that class later . I am not doing too well with this situation and I would like to have your support to help me get through this . " " You 're such a loser , " Erica said . " This is your own fault . All you had to do was ask Bill to help you and this never would have happened . You just had to try and do this on your own and you fucked it up . Now you have lost your job and your self - respect . Well , don 't expect to drag me down with you . " As I lay there with my thoughts , I could hear Erica in the bathroom filling the tub for her bath . Erica likes long baths so I knew she would be in there for a while . I just hoped that when she came to bed she would be in a better mood . She was going to be leaving the following morning for LA and I didn 't want us to still be angry with each other when she left . In 1993 , I was a senior at Purdue University majoring in engineering with a minor in marketing . Two months before graduation I attended a job fair where I met James Green . Mr . Green was the personnel manager for Boswell Data Services , which was located in Atlanta , Georgia . Mr . Green was impressed with my resume and my grade point average so he asked me to come to Atlanta for an interview after graduation . The job fair had given me many good leads but Mr . Green 's invitation to come for an interview looked at the time like the best opportunity . Two weeks after graduation , I drove from my home in Michigan to Atlanta for the interview . Mr . Green introduced me to Marty O ' Brien , the sales manager , who then did the interview . Marty O ' Brien was tall and thin with a full head of silver gray hair . I guessed him to be in his late fifties . The interview began with Mr . O ' Brien telling me to call him Marty . We talked for about an hour and then Marty thanked me for coming in and asked where I was staying while I was in Atlanta and how long I planned to be in town . " Good . We should have an answer for you by tomorrow , " Mr . O ' Brien said as he stood and shook my hand . He smiled and gave me a conspiratorial wink . " While you are waiting to hear from us , you might want to look around for a place to live . " That evening Mr . Green called me at the Red Roof and asked me to come back into the office in the morning . When I got there , Mr . O ' Brien offered me a job as a sales representative . He explained the job and what I would be responsible for and then explained the salary and benefits package and asked me if I was interested . I happily accepted the offer . Mr . O ' Brien wanted me to start on the first of July , which gave me two weeks to find a place to live and arrange to move myself from Michigan to Atlanta . That afternoon I managed to find a very nice apartment in Marietta . The apartment building was on a hill overlooking the Chattahoochee River with access to the walking and jogging trails that run along the river . I signed the lease that afternoon and spent the night sleeping on the floor and in the morning I drove back to Michigan to get my belongings . I was back in Georgia within the week and spent the rest of my time buying furniture and finding my way around the area . When I arrived for my first day of work on the first of July , Mr . Green showed me around the facility and introduced me to the other employees that were in the building that morning . Boswell Data Services ( BDS ) sold computer hardware , software and services throughout the state of Georgia and my first two weeks on the job were spent in the classroom , learning about those products and services . I was also given training on how to properly execute a sales call . " David , today I am going to have you ride with Jeff Henning on some sales calls , " Mr . O ' Brien said . " We will have you riding with him for the rest of this week and then you will get your own territory next week . Jeff will be in to pick you up shortly but before you go Mike wants to speak with you . " " Oh , that 's right , you haven 't met Mike Boswell yet , " Mr . O ' Brien said . " Mike is the owner and president of the company . Mike likes to meet the new people before they start out in the field . His office is upstairs at the far end of the floor . Just tell his secretary who you are and that Mike had asked to see you . Good luck , David . " Mr . Boswell 's private office had windows that looked out over the entire floor so I could see him sitting at his desk as I approached . He looked to be in his late forties or early fifties . He had dark but thinning hair and his body had the girth of a man that spends a lot of time sitting . " Hi , David . I 'm Marcie , " she said . " I 'm Mike 's secretary . Welcome to BDS . I 'll tell Mike you 're here . " I thanked Marci and sat down to wait . From where I was sitting I could see that Mr . Boswell was reading a Car and Driver magazine . I watched him for fifteen minutes until he put the magazine down and pick up his phone . For the next ten minutes , we made small talk . Mr . Boswell showed me the Car and Driver magazine he had been reading and said that he was going to buy a new car and was looking for ideas to help him decide on what he wanted . Finally Mike got down to business . He talked about his company and how he only wants the best people working for him and he expects his employees to give 100 percent everyday on the job . " Jim and Marty seem to think highly of you . They seem to think that you are a good fit for the company , " Mike said . I was beginning to feel comfortable until he continued . " I am not sure I agree with them . You are going to have to show me something if you expect to last around here . " I felt like I had been hit in the stomach . Had I done something wrong to give him such a negative impression of me ? I tried to think of something to say but could come up with nothing . I felt so bad as I left his office I wanted to quit . I was walking through the open bay area outside Mike 's office when a young man approached me . He looked to be just a couple of years older than me . He was about my size , six feet tall and around 170 pounds . He had sandy blond hair and blue eyes . His look was friendly and non - threatening which was exactly what I needed at that moment . I followed Jeff down to his car without saying a word . I was beginning to think that I had made a huge mistake coming to work at BDS . We got in Jeff 's car and he pulled out of the parking lot and drove about three blocks and pulled into a coffee shop . " I could tell you needed it , " Jeff said . " I had hoped to talk to you before you met with Mike . I guess the meeting didn 't go as you expected , did it ? " " That 's vintage Mike . He likes to put the fear of God into new employees , " Jeff said . " As a mater of fact , he likes to do that to all of his employees . " " Well , not always but a lot of the time . Don 't expect him to pat you on the back and tell you how good you are doing , " Jeff said . " He leaves the back patting and praising to Marty . Mike 's management style is to intimidate his employees into producing the results he wants . " " Occasionally , but that 's what he wants . Mike doesn 't want anyone that can be scared off easily , " Jeff said . " All you have to do in this company to survive is do your job and ignore whatever Mike says . You will find that everyone else in this company is easy to get along with and in spite of Mike 's bark he is very generous in his financial rewards when you do a good job . Just don 't expect him to tell you that you did good . " I felt a lot better after that conversation and by the end of that first week Jeff and I had become good friends . He had even invited me to his house to meet his wife , Nancy , and to have dinner . Nancy was an attractive girl with blond hair , blue eyes and what appeared to be a basketball hidden under her dress . By the time we had finished dinner , Nancy was already trying to set me up with her single friends . While I didn 't want her to set me up with dates , it did make me feel good that Nancy thought I was worthy of her friends . My reluctance didn 't deter Nancy at all . Once I got out into the field , I found that I really liked the job . I quickly found a sales technique that worked for me . Rather than telling my customers what products and services I had for sale , I found that if I let the customer tell me what he needed from his network and then worked with him to design a solution I was able to establish a good rapport with them and close a lot of business . For the next six months , I took the advice that Jeff had given me and worked hard and ignored anything Mike said to me , which was easy to do because I was seldom in the office and when I was Mike seldom spoke to me . Two weeks before the end of my first six months , I made a cold call on Clinton Products in Macon , Georgia . They had a large facility in Macon but were not currently a customer of BDS . I met with their Chief Information Officer ( CIO ) George Harris . Mr . Harris explained to me that Clinton Products had contracts with two different providers for their computer hardware , software and services . He said that they liked to use more than one supplier to insure that they were getting the most competitive prices and the highest quality of service . They felt that the competition between the vendors would make them perform better . Then Mr . Harris winked at me . I spent most of the afternoon with Mr . Harris and before I left he agreed to add BDS to his list of vendors and I managed to win a third of their business . This was only worth about $ 100 , 000 a year but it got our foot in the door . I was pretty proud of myself for pulling that off . As a new employee , I was due for a six - month review in January . Marty and I went over my results for the first six months . I achieved 130 % of my quota during that period and Marty was very pleased . After I finished talking to Marty , he told me that Mike wanted to see me so I headed over to Mike 's office . I wasn 't expecting much from him but I figured my performance deserved at least a thank you from Mike . " I saw it as an opportunity to win a new customer and I wanted to get my foot in the door . I just felt that since they would be my customer , I would do what it took to win them . I 'll make up those two points in ongoing business . " " What the fuck do you mean by your customer ? " Mike growled . " Is your fucking name on the outside of this building ? They are my customers and if you can 't understand that then perhaps you don 't belong in this company . " " I decided not to wait until you fire me , " I said . " I can 't work for a man who doesn 't appreciate my efforts . Especially when I know I can walk out that door , make a few phone calls and have another job before the end of the week , probably working for one of your competitors . " " Wait . Maybe I came on a little strong there , " Mike said . " You actually did a reasonably good job . I just want you to know that you can 't slack off just because you had some early success . " I could see that this was very hard for him . " No . I don 't want you to quit but if you threaten to take a job with a competitor again I will let you go . Now get out of here . " I was pretty pleased with my self . That was the closest that Mike had come to apologizing to anyone that I had ever heard . I made him back down . On January 17 , two weeks after my victory over Mike I was at Jeff 's house for his birthday party . Jeff and I were laughing about my meeting with Mike when Nancy interrupted us so that she could introduce me to one of her friends . I had become used to this being a regular occurrence as Nancy had introduced me to at least seven of her single friends over the last six months . I had noticed Erica earlier in the evening and felt that there was something familiar about her but couldn 't figure out what it was . Erica was five feet seven inches tall and had long dark brown hair and dark brown eyes and a lithe dancer 's body and I felt myself drawn to her the first time I saw her talking to Nancy . I was hoping that she was the girl that Nancy intended to introduce me to that evening . Nancy took Jeff by the arm and led him over to talk to some of their other guests . Erica and I spent the rest of the evening together . Before the party ended I asked her if she would have dinner with me the next night and she said yes . After dinner , we went back to the apartment complex and decided to take a walk along the river . During our walk , we exchanged histories . I learned that Erica was from Courtland , New York and had graduated from the State University of New York ( SUNY ) at Binghamton just two months before coming to Georgia . She had come to Atlanta because she had been offered a job at Dean Healthcare , a large healthcare insurance company in Marietta . We had a very pleasant evening but when we got back to her apartment she didn 't invite me in . I must admit to a little disappointment although I had no reason to expect to be invited in . We started on her sofa , exploring each other 's mouths with our tongues as I unbuttoned her blouse and began to massage her breasts . When I opened her bra , Erica responded by guiding my mouth to her nipples . Erica had wonderfully firm breasts and I loved kissing and sucking on them . What I liked even more was Erica 's reaction to the attention I was giving her . As I sucked on her nipples , Erica made little noises of enjoyment . My next move was to put my hand on the inside of Erica 's thigh and slowly move it up under her skirt until my hand was resting on the crotch of her panties . As I pressed my fingers against her mound , I could feel the heat of her sex through the thin cotton strip . Erica 's reaction was to push her tongue as far down my throat as she could , all the while making small whimpering sounds . When I slipped my fingers inside Erica 's panties and began to slide them up and down her slit , Erica pulled away from me and leaned her head back against the sofa and closed her eyes . When I pushed my fingers up inside Erica 's already wet pussy , she clamped her thighs together and pushed her hips forward , forcing my fingers deeper inside her . My excitement was such that I couldn 't wait any longer . I had to taste her hot sex . I pulled my hand out of her panties and started to pull her panties off . Erica lifted her hips up to make it easier for me and , once I had her panties off , I moved Erica around so that she was lying down on the sofa and then I positioned myself between her legs . As I moved in closer to her , Erica lifted her legs and spread her knees giving me full access to her wonderful pussy . I managed to give Erica a very big orgasm orally and when it was over she pulled me up so that she could kiss me and as she did she put her hand in my crotch and squeezed my cock . I opened my pants and Erica slid her hand inside my briefs and released my cock from its confinement . She gently stroked my cock with her hand while she kissed me . Then Erica lowered her head into my lap and began kissing the head of my cock and eventually took more than half of my cock into her mouth . Erica 's mouth and tongue felt wonderful as she bobbed her head up and down on my engorged shaft and it wasn 't long before I had to fight to keep from climaxing . I finally had to tell her to stop so that I wouldn 't cum in her mouth . It was at that point that Erica suggested that we go into the bedroom . In the bedroom , I helped Erica remove the rest of her clothes and then she did the same for me . Naked , Erica climbed onto the bed . I stood looking at her and couldn 't believe how fortunate I was to have such a beautiful woman love me . Erica spread her legs and helped guide my cock into her steaming sex . When I entered her , it felt warm , wet and wonderful . Erica put her arms around my neck and , when I pushed myself all the way into her , she whispered in my ear , " I love you , I love you , I love you . " I moved slowly in and out of Erica enjoying the sensations of the best sex I had ever had . What made it even more wonderful was that Erica was enjoying it every bit as much as I was and it wasn 't long before she had a rather large orgasm followed shortly by my own climax . Afterward we lay holding each other for a while . When my cock was completely flaccid , I rolled off Erica and lay on my back next to her . At that moment I knew that I was in love with her . For the next several months , our relationship flourished . We shared so many interests - music , art , literature , travel , etc . - that we had become inseparable . In addition to that our sex was incredible . " Yes , I was , at least at first but in the end I don 't know , " she said . " I felt bad when he left but I wasn 't broken hearted . I don 't feel like I miss him at all . Does it bother you that I had a serious relationship before we met ? " " You don 't need to worry , " Erica said . " I am completely over him . . . All right , your turn . Tell me about the loves in your life . " " I have only had two long term girlfriends , " I said . " The first lasted for nearly a year beginning during my freshman year and ended during my sophomore year . The second didn 't last quite as long . It started the beginning of my junior year and ended before the end of the second semester . After that , I was too busy trying to get through school to have much time for dating . I don 't think that I was in love with either of them . " We had been dating for a year and a half when I decided it was time to ask Erica to marry me . It is not as if this was going to be a surprise . Erica and I had talked about marriage for several months . We discussed what we thought marriage meant and what we would expect of each other if and when we got married . We had even gone so far as to shop for an engagement ring . Erica showed me several she liked but in the end it was up to me to pick one out and actually propose to her . I bought the ring one afternoon while Erica was at work . That night I took her out to dinner . After we ate , I suggested that we take a walk along the river . While we were walking I suddenly dropped down on my knee in front of Erica . Up until that point I don 't think Erica had any idea what was coming but when I got down on my knee she knew and she began to laugh . " Wait . Give me a second to get my composure , " she said , " I can 't stop laughing and I know this is serious . I 'm sorry . Give me a minute . " " Erica , I think that by now you know how much I love you and , unless I am way out in left field , I think you feel the same way about me , " I said as Erica nodded her head . " That being the case , I think it is time for us to take the next step in our relationship . Erica , would you do me the great honor of marrying me ? " We got married the following summer . That was nine years ago . Erica and I were very fortunate . We both had good jobs that we enjoyed doing and we had a wonderful marriage . " You aren 't listening . Mike hired this guy , not Marty , " Jeff said . " I got Marci to give me the 411 . She said the guy used to work for IBM in New York City . Why do you think Mike would hire someone away from IBM . Certainly not to fill an entry level sales position . " What Jeff was worried about and what I was beginning to be concerned about was the fact that Marty O ' Brien was going to be retiring in a couple of months , which would leave the sales manager 's position open and Jeff and I were the leading candidates to fill Marty 's job when he left . That is until Mike went out and hired an experienced salesman from IBM . Jeff figured that Mike was planning on making this new guy the sales manager instead of giving the job to one of us . " I tell you if that is what Mike intends to do I am out of here ! " Jeff said . " I have worked too long and too hard for this company to have Mike pull this kind of shit on me . " " Yes , but not right away . You deserve that job almost as much as I do , " Jeff said as he laughed . " If you got the job , I would stick around to support you for a while but the sales manager position is the only chance for advancement for me in this company so if someone else gets that job I 'll have to leave . If you got the job David , I would be disappointed but not angry . Giving the job to an outsider will really piss me off . " " I have a buddy in Augusta that has a small services business . He and I have talked about going into business together . We would just try to expand his business to make enough money to keep us both comfortable , " Jeff replied . " Nancy is right behind me on this . She knows how much I have hated working for Mike over the years and has always told me that I should do what makes me happy and she will support me in that decision , " Jeff said . " What will you do ? " " I don 't know . I never thought that anyone other than you or I would get Marty 's job , " I said . " I suppose I 'll stay and see what happens . " " Yeah . BDS . I bet you thought it stood for Boswell Data Services , didn 't you ? Well it really means ' Big Dumb Shit , ' because that is what Mike is . A big dumb shit . " Two weeks later , Mike held a meeting to make the announcement that he had brought in Bill Nelson , formerly of IBM , to take over as sales manager upon the retirement of Marty O ' Brien at the end of the month . Bill Nelson was about my age , tall , over six feet and athletic . One outstanding feature that I noticed right away was that he had a salesman 's smile . That just means that he smiled easily . It didn 't look forced but it wasn 't quite sincere either . I was pissed at what Mike had done to us but I went over and introduced myself to Bill and welcomed him to the company anyway . I have to say that my first impression was positive . I asked Bill where he had worked before coming to BDS . " Yeah , I worked with them a lot over the last five years , " Bill said . " Alan and I started at IBM together . It was actually kind of funny because we went to the same college but never met until we started our sales training . " " So do I , " Jeff said . " I would really like to grow big enough to put BDS out of business but don 't worry , if I do that I will have a job for you , " Jeff said and punched me in the shoulder . " Well , I got to go . " " No reason . I just wanted to make sure I heard you correctly . Jeff said he would quit if Mike pulled a stunt like this , didn 't he ? So you shouldn 't be surprised that he quit , " Erica said . I did miss working with Jeff but , over the next couple of months , I had established a working friendship with Bill Nelson . After Marty retired and Bill took over , nothing changed for me , at least not right away . For the first four months , Bill let me run my territory without interference and spent his time working , I supposed , on improving our sales in other territories . I had discussed the idea of inviting Bill and his wife over for dinner and Erica thought that would be a good idea . My only concern was the impression that might leave with the other sales reps if they knew I had invited our manager over for dinner . I was having a difficult time with the distinction between boss and friend . This became a non - issue after a chance encounter in the mall . Bill turned to look at me with his big salesman 's smile and said . " Hey , David . " Then he looked at Erica and said , " Oh . . . ah . . . is this your wife ? " " Didn 't you notice how uncomfortable we all were ? I got the feeling that Bill wants to keep your relationship professional and I got a feeling from Diane that she didn 't want to be there talking to us . I didn 't get any warm feelings from her , " Erica said . " Yes . I had Bill follow up with the customers . In both cases the customers said that you have left out items that were supposed to be in the contracts that you sent to them for their signature . " " Mike , you know that I have never screwed up on a contract before . This has to be a mistake . Who were the customers ? I 'll talk to them and straighten this out my self , " I said . I wanted to argue that with Mike but I knew there was no point . His mind was made up . When I left Mike 's office , I was as angry as I had ever been . I could not believe that any of my customers had complained . I had always prided myself on the rapport I had with my customers . If there was a problem , they could have called me to straighten it out rather than filing a complaint . On top of that , Mike wouldn 't tell me which customer complained because he was afraid that it might affect the way I dealt with them in the future . The worst thing of all was that now I would have to suffer the humiliation of having Bill looking over my shoulder . I went straight from Mike 's office to Bill Nelson 's office . " I 'm as surprised about this as you are , " Bill said . " I told Mike that you could take care of this problem yourself but he insisted that I talk to the customers and fix the problem . Don 't worry , I have no intention of interfering with the good relationship you have with your customers . " " Actually , David , they did call in to talk to you but you were out of the office . In both cases , they left a message for you but somehow Mike heard the messages and decided that we had to handle the calls as complaints . Sorry , I couldn 't stop him . You know how Mike is . " " Did you have a bad day ? " Erica asked as I walked into the house that evening . . . " Yes , as a matter of fact , I did but how did you know ? " I said . " I told you they weren 't actually complaints , Mike arbitrarily decided to handle them as complaints . He had Bill call the customers and take care of the problem , " I said . " I still can 't believe I made a mistake on those contracts . I proof read them before I mailed them out . Now Mike wants me to have Bill proof read my contracts before they go out . " " Isn 't it possible that you missed something , " Erica said . " I never proof read my own work . I always ask a coworker to read my documents back to me to catch mistakes I might not see if I read it myself . " For the next month I did as Mike had ordered and had Bill proof my contracts with me before I sent them out . Not once did we find a mistake . At the end of the month , I figured everything was back to normal but Mike called me in for another chat . Mike gave me a look that said he didn 't agree with my assessment . " I will defer to Bill 's judgment for now . You no longer need to have Bill proof read your contracts but I want you to keep him involved in any new contracts you are working on . " " You 're not . I will be doing this with all of the sales reps . Don 't worry about this . It 's no big deal . It won 't interfere with what you do ; it 's just more work for me , " Bill said . " Honey , you know it 's just the way Mike gets sometimes . Don 't get mad at Bill because of what Mike is making him do . Bill is just trying to help you , " Erica said Erica was right , of course , but it still annoyed me that she didn 't show more support for me . I was angry and I expected that she simply agree with me that what Mike and Bill were doing was an insult to me and they should just back off . Sometimes even the voice of reason can piss you off . It took almost two months before I started to see the problem . One of my customers called to complain about some missing tasks in the contract I had negotiated with them . They asked me what I was trying to pull on them . I had to rewrite their contracts to include the missing tasks . I was sure I had written the contract properly . Somebody had to have changed them . When I discussed the problem with Bill , he asked me how anyone could have changed my contract after I had sent it out . I couldn 't answer the question . The process should preclude any tampering with a contract . When I negotiated a contract with a customer , I put together a Scope of Work ( SOW ) and build a proposal around it including the price . If the customer agrees to the proposal , I turn the proposal over to the Contracts and Legal ( C & L ) department at BDS and they create the contract . Once they have the contract complete , they give it back to me and I proof read it to make sure it is complete . If anything is missing , I resubmit it to C & L for corrections and then proof it again when they finish with making the corrections . Once I am satisfied that the contract is complete and correct , I put it in the mail . No one sees the contract after me until the customer receives it in the mail . " This is not good , ' Bill said . " We have to keep Mike from finding out about these mistakes or he 'll want me proof reading all of your contracts again . You have been doing this long enough that you don 't need me to read your contracts before they get sent out but you have to make sure they go out right or it will be both of our asses . Besides , I wouldn 't know if something was left out unless I was with you when you met with the customer to negotiate the contract . " " I hadn 't really thought about that . I don 't know . I can 't imagine what anyone would have to gain by screwing up my contracts but I just can 't believe I am screwing up . I just don 't make those kinds of mistakes . " Bill seemed to be on my side but it didn 't make me feel better . I felt as though someone had to be messing with my contracts but Bill pointed out that no one had the opportunity to do that . The only other possible explanation was that someone was trying to make me look bad but I could not figure out who would do that or why ? What was I missing ? Was Erica beginning to think that I wasn 't as competent at my job as she used to think I was ? That was the impression I was getting from her . " You can 't be serious , " Erica said . " You just said that you mail the contracts as soon as you are done with them . No one has access to your contracts once your finish with them . If someone could get to the contract , who would want to do that to you ? Who could possibly benefit by making you look bad ? No one . " |
I have been at my job , because I have one . A nice , fancy job that comes with health insurance . I work all the time now , like a real , live grown - up . And this is nice , in it 's own way . But there are some things I miss . 1 . Sleeping until noon , or taking a nap if I am extra tired . 2 . Deciding when I work , if I work , and what my work entails ( this is what you do when you are your own boss ) . 3 . Knitting time , and the weekly knitting meet - up at the KenapocoMocha . 4 . Going to the KenapocoMocha at all . 5 . Unrestricted Darcy time . 6 . Getting and watching the television shows I can 't get on my TV ( accursed digital conversion ) 7 . Spending time with friends whenever I ( or they ) feel like it . I think all ( or at least the majority ) of those things are parts of life that change as we all get older and more mature . But I don 't want to be that mature . I want to be a big kid my whole life , because life is more fun that way , which you can see when you look at my parents . Apple cores and all , being a big kid is much more fun than being a boring old person who wakes up at the same time every day and has no time for any fun at all . I want fun time . So I am going to have to get used to having less sleep . Because I am not quitting the fun . Instead I will keep myself a big kid by reading all the books in the kids section , perhaps several times . That 's the plan right now . I 'll let you know if it works . In the meantime , I am knitting La Digitessa for real . I have one sock completed and am turning the heel on the second one . It is truly beautiful and makes me happy on many levels . I will take pictures and show you all when both are done . I will almost certainly end up wearing them to work , even if they clash with something , and with them both easily visible in some kind of mary jane shoe . Even if I have to buy special shoes to do it . Also , I have broken down and purchased a season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer , a show so ridiculous that it makes me laugh hysterically and uncontrollably . Both are things I need right now . And I got a later season for more hPosted by Becky actually spent some time with us today . But first , you must all understand what happened before this . We ran into Becky the other day , the day when Jen and I went to Biaggi 's for tasty food and also went shopping but were disappointed to find that we had nothing to buy or even look at when at the mall . Becky was buying a nice new shiny sweeper . It had a thing for pet hair , and a thing that came out and dusted while sucking up all the little cobweb thingies that were around . She was with Joe , her husband , the man who stole her from us , her friends , who love her and want her time and attention . Becky . Come on . We stopped and talked with her . It was nice . We told her that we missed her and that it wasn 't fair that we couldn 't spend time with her . Joe actually came out and said he didn 't have a problem with it . He didn 't have a problem with it . Becky , come ON . Two years has passed since we have had Becky . Two years . So we tried to get Joe to go home and Becky to come with us , just for a bit . But Becky wanted to go home and play with her new sweeper , which she did . Becky , COME ON . We did manage to get her to agree to an evening with us , today , March 21 . We would get dinner , we said . She agreed . She wrote it down in her little book . I saw her . So March 20 rolled around and Jennifer called me . She said that she had gotten a message from Becky that she could not come on March 21 because she had to work . Meanwhile , Jennifer had to work through the evening on Friday night , and all day on Saturday . She also had to work on her Master 's degree on Sunday , writing a paper . Not to mention all the other things that she has to do , like buying food or dusting or even sleeping . Becky said she had to work during the day , and could not come . She was bailing on us , and when Jen called her and tried to ask , she couldn 't reach Becky . And she called me and was upset , and she talked about how hard it was to thing that we are losing Becky , which we do not want . Friends are forever . We are not petty high school kids . We are forever , like a faPosted by Just over a week ago , Mom went up to see her dad for his birthday . He turned 86 , and I celebrated from here ( not here , in the car but here in central Indiana ) while everyone else took him to dinner and cheered Grandpa on . Grandpa is pretty healthy for his age . His legs bother him ( arthritis ) but the only other problem is that his kidneys aren 't keeping up with the amount of liquid he takes in . Which is a lot . Grandpa is never without water , usually in the same yellow plastic cup he has had since I was born , a cup Gran urged him to get rid of , a cup he still retains . We ( not to mention the doctor ) warned Grandpa that he needs to cut the amount of salt he takes in . Grandpa doesn 't use a lot of salt , so he though this was no big deal . But he is an older man who lives alone , except for his cat , and he doesn 't do much cooking . The thing he doesn 't get , or doesn 't care about , is that his new favorite meal is packed with so much salt it alone could kill a person - - and that 's when you start off healthy . This is not to say the thing is not okay in moderation , but Grandpa never does anything in moderation . He likes Progresso soup . Saltier than Campbell 's , which is very salty , Progresso comes in such flavors as Split Pea with Ham , Traditional Chicken Noodle , and Beef Vegetable . Grandpa has packed his pantry with these and other flavors , all of which he bought on sale . When the store didn 't have his flavors , he got rain checks and came back . Soon , Grandpa ran out of room in the pantry upstairs , so he started filling up the cabinets in the basement , which are now packed too . Mom , on her recent visit , was handed a coupon from the big grocery store nearby for Progresso soup . Mom was secretly satisfied to find there to be no more of his flavors , so she hit the knit shop nearby and went back home . Grandpa then was disappointed . But Mom called me and found that I could do with two skeins of the half - off sock yarn ( I mean , come on - - half off ? ) so she told her dad she was going back to the shop before it closed . She was presented again witPosted by Jennifer and I want to announce to the world the incumbent 2nd anniversary of Becky 's Marriage . This means that it will , in a few short weeks , be two years since she has done anything with the two of us without her ball and chain . Since there have only been three occasions in that span when the three of us have spent time together with Joe , we know there is a problem . We used to see each other at least twice a week , maybe more . So , Becky , get with the program and spend some time with your girl friends . We live longer . I gave Jennifer the task of selecting the topic of this blog , as she is sitting next to me at the moment and I can 't readily think of anything to write on my own . We 're waiting , Jennifer . Think faster . " Any other time , I would think : " I want Laura to write about that , I want Laura to write about that . ' " Jennifer says , sitting here on the couch in her apartment as we watch an episode of Ghost Hunters neither of us are paying any attention to . Andy is divulging too much information to Jennifer , and she is getting a bit freaked out , causing her to not think of a blog topic fast enough to suit me . Therefore , I am writing everything that comes out of her mouth . And what is happening in the room right now . Like how Jen is humming . Humming , humming , okay , there - - she stopped . She did recommend my writing about how I should write about how we were Piggy Partners . So , Jen and I , once upon a time , were Piggy Partners . We cut up a fetal pig together , culminating in our using the small intestine as a jump rope and the boys in front of us , Keith and Brook , cutting Keith 's hand so badly that he had to seek emergency medical attention . I was secretly satisfied that this happened , because both of them were unpleasant , especially Keith , who liked to preach his right - wing ( ignorant , in this case ) viewpoints to the class at the drop of a hat . I tried to take out the brain and it just ended up being extremely disgusting , the only nasty part of the experience . I even grossed myself out , when I thought that I should keep going , when I knew I should stop the horror show . Did I mention someone put the leg of a dissection subject on the door handle of our freshman English teacher 's door ? She was odd and kind of deserved it for some of the freaky things she did when we were in school . Like when the chem class made fake smells ( strawberry , peach , etc . ) and one of them smelled like peach vomit , leading to a class member to vomit on himself and the desk and the horrible stench of both the fake smell and his vomit spreading throughout the high schoolPosted by All businesses want in our part of Indiana is accountants . The more , the better . If you aren 't an accountant , that 's okay - - they 'll hire you to pretend you are and you can learn on the job . I hate math . I can 't even do it . The other day Mom and I spent ten minutes trying to figure out how much money our dinner had cost us per portion . The chicken was $ 5 . for 3 breasts which I pounded out and divided into ten cutlets . Mom said it was 20 cents . I looked at her blankly , unable to compute . Mom corrected herself , saying it must have been $ 2 . Then I said , " No , that 's way too much . " Paul laughed at us hysterically and we never did figure it out for real , though I lean toward the 20 cent per cutlet math thing , because that is at least closer . I 've been offered jobs doing payroll , computing sales figures , or just plain crunching numbers . It seems that companies think that a college degree means that you know everything , not just what you majored in . I had to create my own job , working for myself , in order to work at anything but numbers or fast food . I have a liberal arts degree . Would you like fries with that ? Anyway . The other week I was in the Wabash library , writing a blog . I saw that they had applications out - - they don 't give them away unless they have an opening . So I filled one out and turned it back in the next day with my resume and a cover letter . Days passed . I waited , hoping , and watched my family members depart for various parts of the world . I went in for an interview . I met with the children 's librarians , neither of whom had many questions for me , and the whole process took about 20 minutes . That seemed unusual to me , but I had a good vibe . They told me I would know this week if I had the job . Today , I got the call . I am now Employed . Hooray ! I will pick out YA books , order them , plan special events , and have health insurance . I will also be maintaining their YA blog , hopefully even starting a children 's one . I am excited . Especially because I mostly still read young adult fantasy . I start next Monday . Wish me luck . Five minutes ago , maybe a bit before , I moved my right hand too rapidly in an attempt to pick up my Manchester Mocha , resulting in the toppling over of my coffee cup . The contents shot out , spraying all over the table and floor , narrowly missing my knitting . It also missed my laptop entirely , although my power cord ( not attached to a power source or the computer at the time ) was drenched . I perceive no damage . I then had the terror - filled moment of : MUST CONTROL MESS - - MUST PREVENT SPREAD ! Mercifully , the man Jen and I admire as the Ideal Father - Figure had just walked into the shop . He got me a towel , made sure my computer was okay , and made me feel better . See , Jen ? Good guy . We called it . We both knew . I scrubbed the floor , I scrubbed the table , and I scrubbed my power cord . Now it seems dry and non - sticky , meaning that I fixed my own mess , and the poor overworked girl at the counter didn 't need to come and rescue me . I also provided the rest of the shop with entertainment . They all came and asked me about my computer , condoled with me , and were just plain friendly . All it took was the first man breaking the ice . He is an awesome guy . You can see him at the far right of the frame in this picture , taken Valentine 's Day at the concert held here . He is the older gentleman behind the disembodied hands . This experience taught me two important things : always get a cup with a lid when working on your computer , and spillage happens , there is no need for guilt or freaking out unless something irreparable is damaged , like a laptop you can 't backup or afford to replace . I am now taking deep breaths and letting the adrenaline ( more powerful than the three shots of espresso in my coffee that were reduced to one in the spill could ever be ) wear off at its natural pace . I can 't take myself anywhere . 1 . There are no blog posts . 2 . I can 't find out who sang a song I like . 3 . I can 't read the blogs I like . 4 . I can 't look at pictures of my new " nephew " who just joined us in the real world . 5 . There is no way for me to see if the world outside has ended due to war , flood , or Miley Cyrus ' feuds with musicians with talent . ( IT ' S MILEY ! ) Jen will get that last bit . 6 . I have no way to explain to the world that my internet is down , and that I 'm not just being a jerk or taking a blog break . 7 . I can 't complain to all of you about being sick , not liking being sick , or wishing I was not sick or that I could be healed . 8 . I can 't tell you all that Dad has set off from Guatemala and is traveling to the USA . But now that I , Kleenex in tow , have gone to MC to drop Paul off , I have the opportunity to go to the coffee shop and tell you all the stuff you have missed . Like Dillon , my " nephew " being born - - he was ! And how he was born just in time , because he had fluid in ( or around - - Grandpa isn 't a reliable source ) his lungs . And how he is staying in the hospital for a few days in the Neo - Natal ICU because he is making way too much insulin to counter my diabetic cousin 's lack thereof . Or that he is okay now ! And coming home tomorrow or Monday ! Hooray for Dillon ! I am twice an " aunt " now . I will post tons of pictures when I get to see him , after the newborn puffiness goes away , because babies aren 't cute to non - family members until then . And Dad is in Chicago right now . If he was on his own , I would tell him to swing by the hospital and pay his great - nephew a visit . But he is with tons of overworked folk , so I won 't . Now , I will sign off and let you know these might be infrequent for a few days , until Comteck gets into gear and fixes whatever their problem is . Beside the obvious ( speed ) . Darcy has been so miserable . First she got skunked , then she had Dad leave , then Mom took off for her dad 's . This is what she did for the first two days Mom was up north . She just curled up and moped . It took a lot of work for me to convince her to have fun , and I finally pulled it off after the flood . Monday morning , I slithered on the ground , capping the pipe , and something clicked in Darcy 's brain : Laura can be fun , even if Mom is far away ! She rescued sticks , watched me make a fool of myself , and had a good time . We were playing in the yard , and I decided we needed pictures of the flood and what we had survived . I thought it might be fun to get a few pictures of my girl . So Darcy had a photo shoot . This is how most pictures of Darcy turn out . She moves through the frame so fast that I can 't snap a picture fast enough . I thought it might be a good idea to pose the pictures better . Candids don 't work with a happy dog . So I urged her to sit down and stay still , looking at me . . . and she did . Originally my feet were in this picture , so I took some more . She was unhappy to have to stay still , so I went down to her level . She came back later , inside the house , and kept nose - bumping me . I was holding the camera . . . And I captured the Darcy Stare , the look she gives us when she wants something . This look was a walk . Which she got . This one was a treat . Which she also got . She doesn 't need teased hair or freaky make - up to look beautiful . I really love my girl . Thanks for humoring me . This is the progression of the flood . I thought you who live away from the river might like to see . The steps before : The steps after : My pipe , which I capped , in my awesomeness . Behold : The pipe after : Yeah . It 's gone . The middle part of our lawn before , close up ( This is a small amount of water , just about a couple of feet above the bottom part ) : The middle part after : Yes , this is for you , Jen . You know I only skipped one day . That happens , sometimes . I was always going to take weekends off . Well , Jen , something happened today that will make you very happy . Not to mention how happy it makes me - - even my family . How amazing , to think that this was possible ! Paul called me about an hour ago with the most exciting and fantastic news . MY BROTHER IS QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT ! This is amazing . I can 't believe it . He is selling his account , which could get him the big bucks . But the best part is that we as a family will be able to talk to Paul about something other than his Druid , his Druid 's gear , raiding , forums , his Druid 's new flying mount ( like , a bird of some kind that takes you places , it isn 't dirty ) , and so forth . We can talk about the news . Paul will leave campus because he won 't be raiding on the weekends . This is wonderful . He can have a Real Life . Or he will just find a different video game to fill his time . He could get a girlfriend . Or he will find a different video game to fill his time . He could get a fun job in his environmental field . Or he will find a different video game to fill his time . Jennifer , he could even come and hang out with us on the weekends ! Or he will find a different video game to fill his time . Which do you think is more likely ? I know which one I think it will be . I wish it wasn 't . But you can 't always get what you want . At any rate , it is a bit of news to fill my day and a blog for Jennifer that she will find ( hopefully ) as exciting as I do . I woke up this morning and found an expanse of fast moving water outside my front door . This isn 't out of the ordinary , because we live right next to a river . It just got a lot bigger overnight . Some people would have been frightened by all of this , but I know what step it made it to when I was a kid and we were sure we would have to flee . We didn 't have to then , and I knew we weren 't going to have any real problems due to this flood . I was just annoyed . Because I knew I was going to have to do something I didn 't want to do . . . Our family has a freaky white pipe that leads out from the house . If this pipe is submerged in water , all kinds of bad things happen , including the flooding of our basement . I had a flood on my hands , and there was only one thing I could do . Clad in my pajamas , my fuzzy robe , Uggs , and my dad 's over - sized and super - warm coat , I decided I had to cap the pipe , for our safety . Our meaning mine and the pets . I went into the garage , and got the long curved section of pipe . Then I took the lid portion , and put it on the curved part . I took both and went out to the " dry " creek where the pipe lives . The ground was all mud and nastiness , and I couldn 't reach the pipe from the safe part . So I half - slid , half - climbed down to the pipe . Putting one foot on each of the two rocks on either side of the pipe , I reached out and managed to put the lid on . After , I found that the pipe , though attached , failed to cling well , as it slid forward and then leaned sideways . Crap . I decided it was okay . I would be just fine . I climbed back up , then looked down and pondered the fact that water was still rising . It could at any moment rise far enough to liberate the cap from the pipe and take it far enough away that I could no longer use it . Or replace it . And I didn 't want that . So I went back down . Meanwhile Darcy decided this wasn 't very safe . She knew the thing I was doing was important , and I had to do it . Otherwise I wouldn 't be acting so stupid . So she came down next to me , and she came down and rescued a stick , just likePosted by Jennifer and I decided that the fine weather we are having here in Indiana was just the excuse we needed to go out and have a good time . We traveled to Fort Wayne only to discover we had no idea what to do with ourselves . So we wandered from store to store , bought some Wallflowers from Bath and Bodyworks to make Jen 's house smell lovely . Then , with no other ideas of how to spend our time ( we don 't want to buy any new clothes just because we can 't fit into the old ones - - winter inactivity - - so we refuse to ) we went to Biaggi 's . Jennifer whipped out her camera as we sat there , discovered it to have no juice , and , despondent , was about to give up when I handed her mine . So here is what happens when Jen tells me to be serious : And here is what happens when I take the camera away from her : Doesn 't Jen look like she belongs in a painting by Raphael in this last one ? The Madonna and Child ? Only with a camera and not a baby ? And this is what happens when I give it back : Jennifer likes the last one , I was supposed to be sad / angry to see the bill . Finally , we ended up at Walmart , where we discovered a long , lost friend , Becky , the final member of our three - some of friends that became a two - some when Becky got married and left Jen and I by ourselves . We miss her ! We managed to get her to agree to girl - time , March 21 . Let 's see if it happens . . . We finally managed to get rid of Dad last night , after which Mom announced that she too would be hitting the road . . . today . She is now gone too , off to see her dad , who has just turned 86 . Happy birthday to my grandpa , who will never read this post or understand what we are talking about when we try to explain it to him ! I love him . So , now , I am a lone girl out in the country all by myself , with only my sporadic network TV and my dial - up internet to comfort me . Oh , and my dog . And my cat . And Paul . But as Paul has often said , in case of an attack , if I were with him , there would only end up being two victims instead of one , since he would not be able to defend me or himself . I laughed at him , and Paul told me I just needed to remember that I didn 't have to outrun my attacker , just my brother . Now that is sibling love . Because I am a much faster runner than Paul is , and I don 't run bent over double , as he does for some reason . So unless I have to pass through a doorway , or between two trees , I will outrun them both easily . But if I do have to run between those things , I will end up slamming one or both of my shoulders so badly , I will no longer be able to continue . Just like what happens to me every morning and evening as I walk in and out of my room . But I am moving at a much slower pace when I hit the door frame those times . I am now trying to find ways to fill my life with something that does not include eating throughout this weekend . Today . . . I ate . And will continue to do so as I watch my Friday Night TV choices , including How Many Dresses ( Ghost Whisperer ) and Numbers ( Numb3rs ) . I will watch them with a carton of Chicken and Mushroom from the Great Wall , and Paul will be nearby with his Chicken and Nothing , over white rice ( He doesn 't eat vegetables , like Jay Leno but without the talk show ) . Paul will inhale his meal , then leave me in my corner where I will wait a half hour , then begin searching for more food that I could eat , because I might be hungry in a little while so I should eat something before that so I won ' Posted by Or , Let 's Try This AgainLast night , at 10 p . m . , we ( Dad ) became tired of waiting for 11 to roll around . We ( Dad ) wanted to get a snack before Departure Time , and since Dad was exhausted and dropped his sandwich on the kitchen floor at home , it had to be fast food . I drove , both of my parents were tired already and I knew that all the time I spent with Jennifer has reprogramed my brain to allow me to stay up and remain good to drive for far longer than either of my parents . We loaded into the Taurus , noticed we needed gas , and set of for Warsaw . Where we live , gas stations close early . We knew that we would need to make it all the way to Warsaw before we found one that stayed open after nine . The only problem with that is the Taurus ' messed up gas gauge . You see , as we drive along , it looks like we are peachy keen in the gas department until the sticky meter decides the car needs gas , now . At that point , the meter drops fast . As it rockets toward the " E " the little gas pump light goes on , and we know the car means business . But we weren 't there yet . I drove , playing fun music for my unappreciative father , and we all made it to Warsaw , passing sneaky deer and the wafting scent of Darcy 's best friends ( the skunk population of our area ) . Mom and Dad then chimed in with directions to the fast food area with the restaurants most likely to be open . That was because every time I set foot in Warsaw , I get lost . Badly too , and each time I end up calling Dad because I am nearly late for an appointment or because I didn 't know there were so many Zimmer buildings in Warsaw ( or the world at large ) . Dad took so long making a fast food decision this time that I ended up proving my driving skills by circling the same convoluted parking lot for ten minutes . We got sandwiches , and I then announced that we were out of gas . Yes , the little gauge had become unstuck as I turned around and around between Hardees and Arbys , as Dad changed his mind again and again . The sad part of that was , there were no open gas stations on that side of Warsaw . Posted by Tonight was quite possibly that . Nothing this good has ever happened to me before , and I mean nothing . I can 't believe it really happened . I am still laughing , off and on . At first I laughed so hard I had an asthma episode - - that takes some doing . Let me just say , the trip to drop Dad off took an unexpected and hysterical turn last night ( tonight ? ) and I 'm not talking about the fifteen minutes we all spent in the car with the bass turned up really loud listening to club music and dancing in our chairs . That was just filler . I will fill you in completely tomorrow , for now I will just give you Dad 's reaction . I told him this event would be the one thing everyone on the Guatemala trip talked about for at least the first few days of the trip , only falling to second if something more hilarious were to happen . " That 's unlikely , " Dad muttered back to me , forcibly repressing the shame of what had just occurred . I then consoled him , saying that it would all wear off soon and he would undoubtedly be the first person to laugh about it and repeat it again and again . . . " Yeah , in about a decade , " Dad replied . I think Dad is working hard right now to forget what happened to him . He is pushing the memory far , far back into his mind where it will fester as a mental illness long into senility . The poor man was laughed at by Mom and I alone for a good hour , and that doesn 't include the time Paul was on the phone making fun of him too . I said , as Dad walked out of his bedroom yesterday . Instead of being angry like you would think a person would be if their daughter said something like that to them , he laughed . You see , Dad is getting out of my country . He is going to Guatemala . He used to do this annually on my birthday , as a way of subtly telling me how much I mean to him , but he switched to the winter when Mom put her foot down and told him she was sick of him coming home between trips just long enough for her to wash , iron , fold , and pack his clothing . I can see how that would get on someones nerves . So Dad is leaving tonight , having just finished giving a funeral service moments ago ( he prepared it over the last three days , because he is good like that . He works fast ) . And I , his daughter , get the immense pleasure of driving him to Warsaw and hurling his luggage onto the ground in the parking lot outside of Hands of Hope . Then , when he gets out to retrieve it , I get to drive away at high speeds , laughing as he fades into the distance in my rear view mirror . That will make up for all the times he forgot me , not to mention all the times he abandoned Paul , after school or church functions . In your face , old man . Dad and I have a special relationship . When he had his second heart thing , the one that might have but might not have been a heart attack , I spent an hour in the hospital with him as we exchanged insults back and forth . We are cruel to each other beyond reason , and we both think it is hilarious . I call him a fat old man and he calls me a snot - nosed teenager , though I have left teen - dom behind and he is only getting older . I untie his shoes ; he eats my cookies without permission . We laugh hysterically as we do this , and onlookers think we have the most messed up , deranged relationship on the face of the planet . His church friends , at the hospital with him years ago , thought I was being terrible to him as I made fun of how his heart rate changed with the topic of conversation . I told him I wouldn 't be happy until his pulse sped up when I walked Posted by My nasty dreams have come to an end , everyone . I am very happy . Friday night I had another horrible dream , involving people hiding in my house and injecting my family members with sedatives so that they could do horrible Saw - like things to us , despite the fact that I never watched any of those movies and don 't know what happens in them . The dream culminated with me walking into my parents room as I searched for them ( so we could escape ) only to be captured and drugged myself . It was unpleasant . Saturday ( the day of two trips to Kokomo ) I got a new pillow . This is the best pillow of my life . I used to think I had good pillows . . . I was wrong . This is a Rich Person pillow , marked down to a Poor Girl 's price ( from $ 50 . to $ 10 . I can afford that ) . Not only have the nightmares stopped , due to my dispelling the bad karma of my old Alpha pillow ( I sleep on three , in a stack so I can breathe , and they have an order they go in . . . I 'm not weird ) , the kink in my neck has gone from my life , and I am finally happy . I have a sad , small little life , with some yarn for color . In the saga of my cell phone , I have had many defeats . Sitting in the Lounge one day , a friend of mine took my phone , connected it with some cord to his laptop ( Apple , go figure ) and gave me a random song he thought I would like . I think he did this because our music tastes are similar and because he had a rough day and knew how happy random tech victories make me . So I thought , " That didn 't look too hard . I can do this . " I had purchased my cell phone mere months earlier . I didn 't know what kind of a battle I had in store . I plugged in my phone with its cord . My computer , an older PC , said " No thanks , not without a driver . " I found a driver , downloaded it ( a two day task on dial - up ) and it DID NOT WORK . My computer wanted software . I found that on several websites , for more than I paid for my phone in the first place . All I wanted was the X - Files theme . I wanted my telephone to ring and make me want to defend myself with " terminal intensity . " As if I even could . But it would have been nice to delude myself . A year passed . I got my laptop . Then I tried again , and failed again . In this time , I endured other problems with my phone than just the ringtone . I would have been happy with almost anything other than what I had . But no , that could not be so . I had to cringe each time my phone rang with its obnoxious , freaky ringtone ( the only one on the phone I could endure at all ) . Finally , I learned of the Great Internet Lie , and got a ringtone . It was a lame one , a song that Ellen dances to , that I got just to get rid of the old ringtone . Okay , it was " Just Dance " by Lady Ga - Ga . I know . You don 't have to say it . And you 're right . I am an Iron & Wine type of girl ; I don 't know what I was thinking . But while waiting for Paul to come down two flights of stairs so I could drive him to the grocery store , it happened . I found my song , the X - Files theme song , on the cell phone 's internet . And I got it . And now , my phone rings and I think , " The truth is out there . . . " It 's really too bad that I don 't get that many phone calls . Laura is young , feels old , and recently learned she had a reason to get out of gym class all through her lifetime , but missed out . She still wants a lollipop after she gets a shot and believes food will complete her even if she has to cook it herself . This is probably why she has taken up running . She reads too much , sleeps too little , and never leaves the house without yarn ( money is another story ) . It is no secret that I like things organized . I used to alphabetize all my CDs , when CDs were a thing . Now I have my books sorted according . . . You know what you deserve ? A blog post . And you know what else you deserve ? Stories of my misery , because those are always funny . So here is . . . |
No , LV and I are not related . As far back as I have been able to trace there are no connections . My parents and grandparents weren 't related to each other either . LV 's parents and grandparents can say the same about their marriages . We didn 't do the actual butchering ourselves . After sending a fattened steer to the local butcher shop we used to come home with hundreds of pounds of ground beef and steak that needed to be taken care of as soon as possible . For every 80 lbs of ground beef we would mix up : After making sure it was mixed well we would sprinkle it over the top of 80 lbs of ground beef and then mix it thoroughly with our hands until we were sure everything was seasoned evenly . Next it was packed into wide mouth quart jars and placed into a canner filled with cold water . Once the water started boiling we timed it for three hours and then removed the jars and let them seal before washing them off and placing them on shelves in the basement to be used when we were ready . To use this we would slice it out of the jars and heat it often adding water and bringing to a boil and then making a gravy with it . It also made excellent sloppy joe if you chopped it up and added a few more ingredients . It was great to use to make sandwiches or if you were hungry between meals a cold slice hit the spot ! Corned beef was the most gross thing we made . It was very simple but something I never did after we got married . We used to take a big crock and pour a thick layer of salt in the bottom and place a layer of steak on top of it and then cover it with another layer of salt continuing this way until the crock was filled to the top . We would set in in a cold dark place usually in the basement for at least two weeks . In that time the salt would melt and the meat would turn pink . To serve we used to fish out several slices of meat wash it in clean cold water and then boil it for a few minutes . It used to be extremely tender but also salty . Not a big fan ! On Friday morning we would get up , do what ever chores that needed to be done . Cows and other animals have this way of needing to be cared for no matter what else is going on . After chores were done we would wash up and then sit in the living room since Good Friday was a day of fasting it was more sober and solemn than a normal Sunday . We would read the Bible and the prayers in the little black prayer book and the German , Rules of a Godly Life book . There was no playing and any talking was done in hushed tones . Easter Sundays we would treat like any other Sunday except Mom would make soft boiled eggs for breakfast . Thankfully that was a once a year occurrence ! If it was our church Sunday we would go to church . Otherwise we would stay at home and read , play games , write letters , and things along that line . I have read quite a bit of your blog already and have gathered that you grew up in Somerset County . I pass through that area occasionally but have never met any Amish people . Could you tell me where I could visit some of their stores or bakeries ? The Amish in Somerset County are not tourist oriented at all . You won 't find a lot of stores or bakeries just by driving through the area even though there are seven church districts . The area is heavily wooded and most farms are tucked on hillsides and in valleys surrounded by lots of trees . While there are some Amish farms close to the roads many more are hidden from view . As far as the stores go . There are Amish stores that sell fabrics and many other things that the rest of the Amish would like to purchase . How ever they are mostly known only to the Amish and often kept upstairs in their farmhouse in a spare bedroom . I have not visited any Amish stores in the Somerset area for over seven years . There used to be one open to the public along Oakdale Rd in Salisbury but I have no idea if they are still in business or not . There was also a little bakery and variety store along Rockdale Rd in Meyersdale . In the twenty years of living in that area I never visited that store so I can 't tell you just how it is or the quality of their baked goods other than that they must be doing something right to have been in business for so long . Pennsylvania Dutch is for the most part an unwritten language and each community has some words that leave other communities scratching their heads . Even families in the same communities often have a word or two that seems to belong exclusively to them . After LV and I got married there were words that we had to decide how we would pronounce since his family had been used to one way while mine had pronounced it differently . I changed quite a few pronunciations and thankfully some of his weirdest ones were changed as well . Could you explain more of the process of how the Amish train their children to behave during such long church services ? Did some moms take the children out for a time ? Any other helpful tips ? Also , along those lines , how do Amish women get everything done when they have very little ones ? Thankfully that period of time usually didn 't last very long . In our community when a baby was born and people came to visit the gifts they gave weren 't ones you would find at a typical baby shower . But instead toys and special things the mother could use later to occupy her child during those long services . A favorite that would probably have most baby " experts " gasping in horror was a cheerfully painted salt shaker with a dozen or so toothpicks . The mother would remove the toothpicks and then help her baby place them back inside through one of the holes on top until the baby had mastered the concept and tried to do it on it 's own . There were other similar toys that kept them occupied quietly for quite a length of time and I never saw or heard of any babies that were hurt in any way playing with that type of thing under the watchful eye of their mother . Snacks were an important part as well . About being able to get all your work done with a lot of little ones . I 'm not sure that is even possible . Even though the children were really involved in almost everything I did there were days when the dishes were simply piled into the sink and had to wait until evening to be taken care of . The windows had little hand prints on them and toys were scattered across the floor while I tried to keep them clean and fed and get the most important things done . Since those days have passed already I can honestly say that those unfinished things and the clutter involved with little children was nothing compared to the fun we had at times laying on the floor coloring or putting little puzzles together while the dishes waited patiently in the sink . I do personally know an Amish widow who raises puppies to sell as her means of income but after visiting her and seeing how they are raised no one could possibly accuse her of doing anything wrong . She has ten dogs , each with a big comfortable shelter and a large pen where they can run around all they like . Everything is spotlessly clean and she spends hours everyday talking and playing with the dogs . Our children have really enjoyed their visits to her house where she always invited them inside the pens with her to play with the puppies and the mother dogs . Soon after LV and I got married and we lost our farm dog we went to the Humane Society in hopes to adopt one . We were both appalled at how those poor dogs were living and were feeling really good about rescuing one from those deplorable conditions and taking it home with us until we tried to go through all their red tape . Their adoption fee was ridiculously high , they wanted to know way too much personal information , and insisted we would have to take any dog we chose directly to a vet before they would even consider allowing us to think about taking it home . We left without a dog and ended up buying a puppy somewhere else . I don 't know if our experience was different from how it is at other shelters and agencies across our nation . I hope it is , because until they make adoptions easier there will always be people who would rather not try to deal with those agencies . Will you be doing the same for your children once they are old enough to get married ? Amish parents do not arrange marriages for their children . If they have misgivings about the choice their child is making they will voice their concerns but it is ultimately the child 's decision . I 'm really looking forward to them and wish I could buy a boxful for Christmas gifts this year . The writing project is coming along really well . The first book of the series is scheduled to be released in late summer 2012 . I 'm feeling honored that you would like to buy them as gifts ! The reason we don 't miss anything is partly because nothing forced us to quit any part of the lifestyle that we liked . We can still garden and preserve food like we used to . I can still use my sad irons if I want to and my host of cast iron cookware . We can still enjoy working and playing together as family , I have not felt the need to fill my house with pretty things that need to be dusted all the time . If we talk about the bigger picture or community there would be a little more . Since the Amish applied the sermon on the mount directly to their lives there are things that I miss . There isn 't as much trust and forgiveness found outside the Amish or plain circles and from what we have observed it seems people get their feelings hurt much more easily from simple little things . While I was growing up Christmas was celebrated in a happy simple manner . We would get up a little extra early and the boys would go to the barn to help Daddy with the chores while I helped Mom prepare a special breakfast . Besides the usual fare we got to enjoy a cup of hot chocolate , an orange , bacon , and cold cereal . While Mom and I cleared the dishes away the boys would heap the wood box to beyond overflowing to make sure they wouldn 't have to carry wood the rest of the day . Daddy would sweep the kitchen and somehow it seemed we all finished with our chores at the same time . Daddy would get the Bible and read the Christmas story to us and then it was time for us children to go upstairs and wait while Mom and Daddy got our gifts ready . We usually had handmade gifts that we dug out of their hiding places during that time so we could take them downstairs with us . Once we had them carefully in a bag we would all sit on one of the beds and read or talk until Daddy called us to come downstairs . The youngest always got to go first and we would enter the kitchen to find little piles of gifts at every one 's place at the table . Each one covered with Mom 's prettiest dish towels . After we sat down we would take turns looking to see what was hidden under those towels . There was always a plate filled with nuts and candy and sometimes fruits . There would often be a new shirt or dress and usually a book or two and maybe some other small gift . There were times when there was another bigger pile in the middle of the table that would then be shared by everyone , like a new board game or two and more books . Since leaving the Amish we continue having a special breakfast . Usually with at least twenty - five different things . After the dishes are cleared away and the house in order we will all take turns reading verses to the Christmas story before we open the gifts . We don 't do the kitchen table towel thing though . We wrap our gifts and have a small Christmas tree . We still take turns opening the gifts while everyone watches and then spend the rest of the day relaxing and enjoying each others company . Games and books are still a big part of the day and if there is enough snow ; sledding and building snowmen are also fun . There is something so cozy about being inside a nice warm house when the snow is piling up outside . It seems like the perfect time to take more of your questions . You can ask anything you like and then I 'll work on answering them soon . I have enjoyed creating things with beads for quite a number of years already and when my sister - in - law gave this beaded baby rattle to Rosebud I knew immediately that I wanted to learn how to make them too . Life became busy and with moving several times I somehow can not find the instructions anywhere and my attempts to make them have not been exactly successful . So now I 'm wondering if anyone knows where I could find instructions to make these ? And yes , I realize they would probably not be deemed baby friendly but I would still love to make them even if it would never belong to a small child . I really enjoyed their breakfast selection . Among it was the best french toast I have ever tasted and I have been trying to find a recipe to recreate it ever since . Do you make a stuffed french toast that you would be willing to share the recipe ? There is one little area though that I don 't think I 'll ever get used to . Let me explain . I have loved singing for as long as I can remember . Singing while I work , singing for hours every day , and during my teenage years I enjoyed spending two hours every other Sunday evening singing hymns with the rest of the youth . I still enjoy singing and listening to good music . There is one kind of singing that I don 't enjoy . The first time I heard it was a number of years ago , at church . The choir was going to sing as a special treat before the regular services started . I settled in to listen and enjoy the harmony and beauty of the words and voices until near the end of the song my ears were abused with unearthly screeching and caterwauling that totally ruined the whole experience . I have sat through many choir performances since then and it seems every time they have to finish it off by screeching . Knowing that will be coming has me tense and unable to enjoy the lovely part and I always get the urge to squeeze my eyes shut and cover my ears once that last line or two is being sung . I 'm curious if I 'm the only one who wishes church choirs would omit their screeching parts ? I have read my own copy twice already and when I heard that it 's on sale right now I knew I have to pass on the opportunity for you to get a copy for yourself or as a great gift for that reader on your list . You can order it here . Posted by 1 . Will you be hosting any house guests between now and the end of December ? Does that thought make you happy or crazy ? Do you do anything special for your guests to make them feel at home ? How long should a house guest stay ? Other than having some friends drop in for a few hours at a time our December is looking very relaxing . I try to make guests feel welcome and at home , as for how long a house guest should stay . . . . I 'll simply quote what Daddy used to say . " Always leave soon enough for your hosts to be sad to see you leave . " In other words don 't over stay your welcome . 2 . Walter Elias Disney was born this week ( December 5 ) back in 1905 . . . what 's your all time favorite Disney movie ? Personally , I am not a fan of Disney movies . We have watched several but they all seem to have an underlying message that we don 't appreciate . Of the ones we have seen ; Dumbo we enjoyed the most . 4 . What percentage of your Christmas shopping is done online ? This year probably around 20 % with the remainder being done snail mail . No going to the mall or any of my favorite stores this year . 6 . What is one thing on your personal Christmas wish list ? I think we all want peace on earth so let 's make this answer an actual item . What I would really love to have is a set of shelves built for our storage room so that I 'd be able to organize everything in there . 7 . If you could only use one word today what would it be ? That 's really hard trying to narrow it down to only one word , a single phrase would be much easier . I think I 'll have to go with fine . Which would work as an answer to a host of questions I get everyday . After LV 's Grandpa retired from farming he started a little woodworking shop . You could tell that his farming hands weren 't experienced in making fine furniture but that didn 't keep him from trying and with twelve children and many grandchildren he had grand ideas of making a lot of things for his descendants . Each family was to receive a table and a stand . Each grandson would get a roll top desk for his 16th birthday and each grand daughter a china cupboard , and if family had any special requests he would try to fulfill those as well . This goal would keep him busy for as long as his health allowed . LV was only ten when his family got their table from Grandpa . They set it up and admired the nice glossy varnish and were pleased at how far it extended . With a dozen extra boards to add when visitors came it would make that everyone would get to sit around the table instead of having to wait or find some other place to eat . Not long after the new table arrived LV 's parents went on their monthly shopping trip and left their children at home . The teens had things they wanted to do outside but LV had his own ideas on how to spend the day . He loved drawing and had plans to draw a big semi just like one that he had seen in a magazine . He spread all his supplies out in front of him on the new table , carefully studied the picture of the semi and sketched it . After it was done he decided to color it as well . Crayons seemed dull compared to how vivid he wanted the colors so after rummaging around he found his mother 's supply of different colored permanent markers . Setting to work he carefully finished his picture and then held it up to admire it . But instead of feeling thrilled at how great his picture turned out he was dismayed to see that the marker had bled through the paper and now the new table had big ugly spots of red and black . He quickly got soap and a wet dish cloth and tried to wash it off but when that didn 't work he looked around for something else . A stainless steel scouring pad was sure to work . Rubbing it vigorously back and forth across the offending spots he was pleased to see them disappear . But now he was faced with an even greater dilemma . Not only had the spots come off , so had the layers of glossy varnish . The new table was ruined ! I enjoyed taking a peek out of your kitchen windows . And now it 's time to draw the winner for the sweet little Memory game . Turning to random . org . . . . . . . . here we go . . . . . . . . . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ In answer to all the emails I received wondering where to get this Memory game . I shared the address where you can ask for a catalog in this post . Since it is owned and operated by Amish you won 't be able to find them online . The two options available are visiting their store or shopping from their catalog . With Christmas just around the corner I 'm happy to say that my shopping is done . Most of it from the comfort of our home . When ordering I happened to get an extra one of these sweet Memory games . Each set of pictures seems to be cuter than the next . And while I 'm sure I could find a child who would enjoy it I decided to give you an opportunity to win one for yourself or to give it away . The weirdest little things have a way of amusing me . Like this cow who decided to spend some time sitting when it 's not the normal cow thing to do at all . As anyone who is familiar with cows will tell you a cow is hardly ever seen in this position . When they want to get up they straighten their hind legs first and then have an awkward forward lunge as they get to their front feet too . While I enjoyed living and working on a farm , most days I don 't miss cows . My first introduction to a cow was when I was a little girl and Mom got Jenny , a little Jersey cow for her birthday . They are a lot more feisty than some of their cousins , don 't give as much milk but what they do give is rich with lots of cream . From the time we got Jenny to about six years ago there was always a cow in my life . Jenny was eventually replaced with another little Jersey and when we got married I was faced with becoming acquainted to an entire herd of Holsteins . They seemed huge compared to the Jerseys I had been used to . I soon learned that for the most part they are slow calm creatures of habit that made the little Jersey 's look like scatterbrained teens . But one cow among the herd was different . A Brown Swiss . Big , stubborn and very set in her ways . I alternated between liking her and detesting her . Her calves were equally as stubborn and we learned that if we ever want them to drink from a pail to never let them use a bottle . If they used one for even a few days they would rather have starved than tried drinking out of a pail . We never let one starve but were inconvenienced with having to bottle feed until they were weaned . The only cows in my life now are beef cattle . They live happily in the pastures surrounding our house . I think I like them best because they don 't belong to us and I don 't have to worry about them . But I can still enjoy watching them graze , seeing their calves in spring , and like the picture shows , watching one of them pretending to be a dog . We celebrated Thanksgiving yesterday with a quiet day at home . We didn 't have a turkey or a big extravagant meal . Other than our traditional Thanksgiving pudding the meal wasn 't very Thanksgiving - y at all . But I 'm not complaining about that . There will be other Thanksgivings in the years to come that we can make up for yesterday . I could share a long list of blessings that were counted but I think I 'll simply pick one and talk about it . Friends top my list of blessings . A person can never have too many friends and I consider myself very blessed indeed when it comes to friends . When I think about friends there is one thing that comes to mind - the kind of friend I hope to be . One who is always ready to listen to what ever is being shared with out having a story to top or saying oh , I know exactly how you feel because I experienced so and so , something that isn 't the same at all . One who knows when to simply listen and when to talk . I have been blessed with some friends like that and will always be grateful for their kind support . There are so many different kinds of friends and I value all of them . And to all the readers of my blog , Thank - you for your friendship these past 2 ½ years ! In front of the big dairy barn there were two lonely rose bushes . One of them produced huge yellow roses and the other one a delicate pink . LV had a tender place in his heart for all living things and everyday he passed those bushes on the way to the barn he couldn 't help but feel a little sorry for them . They were so far away from the the dozen red rose bushes that marched in a neat line behind the house . He wished there was something he could do for them so that they wouldn 't be as lonely . Consulting an encyclopedia he read everything he could find about roses and when he discovered there was something called grafting he became excited . After doing all the limited research available he felt quite capable of giving it a try . He wasn 't sure though what his Mom would think about the idea since he was only nine so he waited until one afternoon when his parents went to town . Armed with a pruning shear and his head filled with grafting information he set to work . He carefully removed several branches from the red roses and grafted them to the yellow and pink bushes . He taped them carefully and now all that was left to do was keep an eye on them and hope that they would grow . He wasn 't disappointed . Those bushes readily accepted the grafts and the next year they produced a mixture of roses , beautiful big yellow ones , red ones , and best of all yellow roses that had red stripes running through them . His Mom realized something was going on and was quite pleased to learn that he had a successful grafting experience . Today those two rose bushes are big and still each produce three different colors of roses all because a little boy didn 't want them to be lonely . So far I have never had a pumpkin pie that I didn 't like , but there is one that stands out above the rest . It may be a little more time comsuming to make but the end results are so worth it ! It used to be one of our favorite pie while I was growing up . It even made it 's way into the books I 'm writing , in an unforgettable incident which I 'm sure you will enjoy reading about later With Thanksgiving knocking on the door it 's the perfect time of year to make some . I was feeling overly ambitious on Saturday and actually managed to make these pie and then sought out my usual corner to rest and congratulate myself at my accomplishment . I think I understand now why my mother was so pleased with herself for baking 13 pie a few weeks before one of my brothers was born . And though I only made three it still felt like a major accomplishment ! In a large bowl combine pumpkin , sugars , spices , salt , and flou . Mix well . Separate the eggs . Reserve the whites in a small bowl and add the yolks to your pumpkin mixture . Mix well . Add milk and mix again . Now beat the egg whites until they form soft peaks . Fold evenly into pumpkin mixture . Divide into three 9 or 10 inch unbaked pie crusts . I prefer using this recipe to make the crusts . LV arrived at school well ahead of his brothers who were still patiently walking with the new children . He joined his friends out on the playground and was surprised how every one was looking forward to meeting these new children . That didn 't really make sense . He had met them already and had not been impressed . Teacher Hannah stepped outside to ring the bell and everyone hurried inside . LV looked up the road to see if he could see the others coming . There they were appearing over the last hill . They would never make it to school on time and his brothers would be tardy all because of those slow children . He went inside and sat at his desk . Teacher Hannah stood at the window at the back of the school house and watched as they drew nearer . The clock ticked loudly on the wall as every one was quiet and waiting . More than the usual two minutes had passed between first and second bell and still Teacher Hannah waited patiently . That wasn 't really fair . She never waited on anyone else before she rang the bell . LV could see it already Mary Ann and John were going to be teacher 's pets . The school door opened and they stepped inside . Teacher Hannah went to welcome them and while Melvin and Vernon hurried to their desks LV watched as Hannah had to help Mary Ann out of her shawl . What a little sissy , she couldn 't even dress herself . He turned away with disgust . A moment later he was dismayed to find Hannah telling Mary Ann to sit in the desk directly across the aisle from him . How awful ! He decided to ignore her and opened his desk and started working on one of his cardboard creations that he enjoyed so much during his spare time . As he worked he could almost feel her eyes on him . He glanced over and saw that she was indeed watching him with brown eyes that seemed to be much too big for her face . He stuck his tongue out at her . That would make her mind her own business instead of staring at him . It worked , she quickly looked away and got her reading book out of her desk and began reading it . LV 's memories continuedEveryone seemed to be talking about the new families that were moving into the community . Four of them in only several weeks time . LV didn 't pay too much attention to all the talk . It was boring and he had so much more interesting things to think and do and besides he wasn 't very fond of strangers . He never knew what to say or how to act around them . Avoiding them was much more comfortable . The first two families moved in . They were old , and didn 't have any children unless you counted their Downs Syndrome girl . LV was relieved that he wouldn 't be required to make any new friends . The other family was older too but they didn 't have any children . This was starting to not be so bad after all . There were only two more families coming and he was hoping that they would all be old too . The next family came . They were much younger and had two little children . They were still almost babies and wouldn 't be going to school for a few more years . The last family arrived on a Monday morning and when LV 's parents came home from helping unload their belongings and getting settled into their house his Mom approached them . " I need you boys to stop into the Swarey 's home tomorrow morning and walk to school with their children so they know the way . " LV looked at his brothers this was terrible news . The last family had to come and mess everything up by having school age children . Melvin didn 't seem to troubled at the news . Vernon didn 't say much either but there was no way that LV wanted to have to stop in at those strangers house . He thought it wasn 't necessary that all three of them had to do that when it only took one to show the new children the way to school . Melvin could do it very well on his own . Besides , he was the oldest . His Mom wouldn 't hear any of that idea and the next morning found all three of them on the front porch while Melvin knocked on the door . The woman that answered invited them inside to warm up while she helped her children get ready . She introduced them saying , " This is Mary Ann and John . What are your names ? " Melvin and Vernon introduced themselves but LV 's tongue seemed dry and he didn 't say anything until Melvin gave him a nudge . " I 'm LV , " he said quickly . After the children had been helped into their thick winter clothes it was time to go to walk to school . LV had never seen anyone walk as slowly as these children did . Melvin and Vernon didn 't seem to mind as they walked along and talked to them . By the time they should have been arriving at school they had only walked about half of way . LV decided this was ridiculous . There was no way he wanted to be tardy and mar his perfect record for the year just because of these slow children . He started walking faster in hopes that he would get to school on time . To be continued . It has been raining all morning which makes it the perfect time to bake some cookies . This time we decided to make these . I always think the lovely crinkled sugar sprinkled top enhance an already great cookie . Cream Crisco and sugar together . Add eggs and molasses and mix until smooth and creamy . Add remaining ingredients and mix well . Using your hands shape the dough into balls slightly smaller than a golf ball . Pour ½ cup of white sanding sugar , or if you prefer regular white sugar into a little bowl . Place your dough ball into it and press to flatten . Place sugar side up on a parchment paper lined cookie sheet and bake on middle rack in a preheated 350º oven for 10 minutes . Allow to cool for at least a minute before removing from cookie sheet . Other than our Christmas breakfast our celebration and gift giving is not extravagant at all . I have never enjoyed walking through stores trying to find something I liked because frankly , the things available did not appeal to me . We are not a barbie doll , action figure , electronic toys , and all the latest fads kind family in the least . I don 't think I 'll be doing any of that though . Hickory nut tea isn 't even possible since I don 't have any nuts . It used to be a rare treat for us around Thanksgiving . Hickory nuts are a pain to gather and pick out of their shells , but the flavor used to be so worth it that one of these years I will have to see if there isn 't a tree tucked somewhere in the woods that I can borrow a few hands full of nuts before the squirrels cart all of them away . After toasting the nuts we used to chop them up really fine , just a little coarser than a powder and then cover them with water and simmer until the water is a nice golden brown . We would add several cups of milk and sweeten it with brown sugar . Once it was nice and hot it would be divided into small tea cups and served . The little nut bits floated on top in a deliciously tantalizing fashion . I could never make my cup full last long enough ! This past month we having been battling fruit flies beyond what I had ever experienced before . No amount of making sure there was never any food left anywhere and keeping things sparkling seemed to help . And the place where they seemed to like living the best was in the bathroom . Which was very disturbing to me . After googling for a solution the most common answer that popped up was that they were living in the drain and that boiling water should resolve the problem . I immediately got a big pot of water boiling and poured it down the drain . I could tell that it helped some but in a few days it was a bad as ever . After more investigation I started blaming it on the bottle of hand soap we were using . Inspector Hector Dirt Detector was a new thing we had picked up over a month earlier . The children thought it was fun to use since it had these funny little particles in the soap that were supposed to change color once their hands were clean . To test my theory a little more I put a few drops on the side of the sink and it wasn 't long before fruit flies were swarming all over it . Open your pack of double stuffed oreos and remove two . Take the top off of one of them and eat it or give it to your sister to eat . Leave the second oreos top on . Open the bag of Reese 's peanut butter cups . Take one out . Unwrap it and place it in front of you . Take the scissors and snip the very edge off of one side . Now take a toothpick and dip it into your bowl of frosting and paint the cut side of the peanut butter cup . Stick it on the Oreo 's frosting ( the chair seat ) with the bottom against the other Oreo ( the chair back ) Open the bag of candy corn , Get out one corn and cut the yellow top off . Cut the top in half and paint both pieces on the bottom with frosting and stick it in the Oreo in front of the peanut butter cup to make the turkey feet . They don 't really look like feet close up . Take two more candy corns and cut the yellow tops off . This time use the orange and white part . Paint one side with frosting and stick it on the sides of the peanut butter cup to make arm wings for the turkey . Put your candy corn scraps on a pile or in a little dish . Take another candy corn and cut the white tip off and then cut it in half . Paint one side and stick it on the malt ball to make eyes . Next use the same candy corn and snip a little of the orange part off to make the beak . Several weeks ago we found a picture of cute little turkeys made with oreos and candy . Rosebud thought they looked like they would be easy and ever so much fun to make . She showed the picture to LV and then we all kind of forgot about them until LV came home from town with all the required ingredients . To say that Rosebud was happy about it seems a little understated . Last evening she set to work to try and create some little turkeys . I thought they turned out cute ! They have been declared too cute to eat and so far they have been set on a shelf in the kitchen to be admired . There are always some slightly unusual phrases that make me chuckle and wonder what my blog has to do with that . But yesterday I found the most disturbing of all . . . . Home address for a joyful chaos blog writer . Thankfully there was no address anywhere on my blog for them to find . I have no idea what the intentions were behind that search but it did give me a creepy unpleasant feeling . My parents owned a woodworking business which they had named Whispering Pines . The name was fitting because of all the pine trees that surrounded our house . The business kept us very busy but we always took time right after lunch to enjoy looking at all the mail we had received . After there was an article printed in the WOOD magazine about us , we got a lot of letters from people who had enjoyed it and wanted to learn more about us and the furniture we made . The local post office made sure we got the mail even though our address had been printed wrong in the magazine . An official looking envelope addressed to Whispering Pines . When Daddy had read it he started chuckling and then passed it around so the rest of us could read it as well . It was from a company that printed genealogy books and they were happy to inform us that the latest Pines family book had been released and you , Mr . Whispering Pines are in it they claimed . We talked about how ridiculous their claim was and how it would be fun to see who they thought the parents and siblings of our business were but , rather than wasting money on what we knew would be false information we pitched it into the trash . That little instance alone has made me leery of any offers we ever receive in the mail And here it is . Sunbeam had fun picking out her own outfit including the little pink bracelet for her turn going out with her Daddy for a special night of father - daughter time . She came home excited about the shopping they did , even though it was mostly grocery . And then every little detail of the meal they had shared right down to how swirly her ice cream was . She saved most of her drink to bring home so the others could enjoy it too . Next week will be Rosebud 's turn again . I think I 'll have to take a picture of that too . These little moments pass so quickly and though I 'm sure they will remember their special times with their Daddy I want more than just thought memories . I would give a lot to be able to have a picture of my Daddy and me together when I was a little girl ! LV 's Memories Carl was an older man that lived in the neighborhood . LV and his brothers didn 't know him personally but since he lived next door to some of their best friends they heard about him often . Many times when the weather was bad Carl used to give their friends a ride to school with his pick up truck . They hopped on the back of his truck and sat with their backs against his cab and were on their way to school . LV was thinking that this was working out nicely . It was cold that morning and he would be getting to school so much faster this way . That was all LV needed to hear . It was time to jump . Clutching his lunchbox firmly he got up and jumped off the side of the truck . He stumbled and almost fell and got up feeling triumphant that they had outwitted the bad man . It was then that he noticed his brothers were still sitting on the back of the truck and just disappearing from sight over the hill . Melvin and Vernon got off the truck and scolded LV for jumping . They hadn 't wanted to have their ride cut short . LV didn 't think that was very nice for after all they were the ones who had suggested that they might be getting kidnapped and he had done the only logical thing in such a circumstance . But yesterday afternoon I lost it all . And the very thought of having to rewrite everything that I had spent so many hours on already was almost too much . Maybe I over reacted partly because I 'm already at the stage of resembling a whale that waddles like a duck and this was the last straw . I was feeling all kinds of chaotic but the joyful part was missing . This morning the manuscript is still just as gone as it was last night but at least I am feeling much better . It 's beautifully sunny outside , everyone is healthy , and I have more blessings than I can count . Feelings and emotions are such fickle things and I don 't want to let troubles and inconveniences rob me of the joy of life . So with a song in my heart I am ready to start tackling my writing project again . The night I remember the clearest was when I woke up shivering on the top of our kitchen roof . I have never enjoyed heights and crept my way cautiously back to my open bedroom window and hopped back inside . From that point on I always made sure my windows were latched before going to bed in hopes that I wouldn 't do a repeat and maybe even fall off the roof . Once I was able to make that long trip we again traveled the one hundred and fifty miles north to attend that church . We liked the people the message was fine but it seemed as if the whole forenoon we were wondering why we were there instead of the other church . And on the way home we realized just how ridiculous our thought train had been once again . Thinking that we have to join a Mennonite church when Jesus isn 't interested in denominational name tags . Having faith and trust in Him and being born again was all that mattered not a name tag . That was the last Sunday we attended the little Mennonite church and we were so happy to have finally found a church we could call our own . Up until then we had never known it was possible to love a church that much . When we moved half way across the country last year the hardest part of the move was leaving that church . It was the first time in our life when a move was not made because of church or church matters . We are settled in now and have found a church but we still enjoy listening to sermons that our church sends to us each month . So now I guess you could call us blessed to be able to enjoy two churches . It 's that time of year again . This morning when I looked out the window this is what I saw and I had to help the children do a happy dance . I have always enjoyed winters especially if they gave us a lot of snow . I know this isn 't a very popular opinion , but I would take winter over summer anytime ! And now if you will excuse me I 'm going to put on some Christmas music to listen to while I watch the snow pile up outside . In a large bowl combine Crisco and sugar . Add eggs one at a time beating well after each addition . Add pumpkin . Mix . Add remaining dry ingredients ( except chocolate chips ) and mix well . Fold in chocolate chips . Drop by spoonful on cookie sheet that has been lined with parchment paper . Bake on middle rack in a preheated 350 oven for 15 minutes . Remove from oven and allow to cool for one minute before removing from cookie sheet . Over the years we have had a lot of animals , each with their own unique temperament . There was Sally the cow who always wanted to claim every calf that was born . She would march into the barn at the front of the herd when ever there was a new calf in the barn so she could spend a few minutes nuzzling it while the rest of the cows found their stalls . Alexander , the cat who loved catching a ride every evening on one of our horse 's backs . He would climb up the side of the stall and hop on the back of one of our most gentle horses every evening when it was time to take him to the water trough and into a special pen where he could spend the night more comfortably . Alexander would then hop off his back and snuggle into the straw next to the horse . I really wish we would have had a camera back then ! Then there was Rambo the pig . We had pigs before without any problems who went about their life being content with all the good food they got to eat and sleeping and rooting and doing pig things . Rambo was different from the beginning . He was a squealer which in itself wasn 't that bad but he was also mean , almost evil . He would have liked nothing better than taking a chunk out of anyone who dared step inside his pen . One week LV was gone on business . Everything was going fine , the calves weren 't giving me any problems , I was keeping Rambo 's troughs filled with food being careful to stay outside his pen while filling them . Everything was going smoothly and I was almost ready to congratulate myself when Sailor came running into the house saying that Rambo is gone . My heart sank as I went out to the barn and discovered he had somehow managed to dig a hole under the side of his pen big enough to escape . Following the trail he had made rooting across the driveway into the pasture and into the woods I finally caught a glimpse of him snorting and rooting happily under some trees . Pigs aren 't the easiest creatures to herd to begin with and since Rambo was not anywhere near to being classed a pet I knew I was in for a challenge to get him back inside the barn . I could try the lasso on him but he was big and strong and I knew even if I managed to get him I wouldn 't be able to pull him back where he belonged . Nothing I tried was working as he went deeper into the woods . I remembered several of our neighbors had said if I needed anything at all while LV is gone to let them know . Now seemed to be a good time to take them up on that offer but after trying to call them and no one answered their phone I was back to square one . Sailor was following me every where talking and worried we would never be able to get Rambo back and wondering what we were going to do . I knew there was no way I could possibly do this on my own so I said . " Let 's pray . " And we did . Nothing fancy at all but it came from the very depths of my heart as I said " I can 't do this God , but I know You can . " I walked back to the woods again . This time Rambo didn 't run away but stood patiently as I walked up to him . I asked him to come and turned around and started walking back to the barn . Rambo was a changed pig and followed right behind us as if he were a pet kitten . All the way back to the barn and into his pen . There had never been a pig more tame or gentle anywhere . I closed up the pen and patched the hole he had dug to make sure it never happens again . We went back to the house amazed and thankful at the direct answer to prayer we had received . I have thought about it a lot since that happening . We have seen many answered prayers already but this is one of the few that the children still cherish and love talking about . I love those little faith builders and am glad our children have witnessed prayers being answered right before their eyes . It 's something they can remember for the rest of their lives . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ On a brighter fallsy note . It is that time of year when pumpkins are in season and many delicious pumpkin related recipes are being trotted out . We love pumpkin desserts and have been enjoying Rosebud 's version of Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cookies . Another batch will be made today so hopefully I 'll remember to take a picture of the finished product and share the recipe later this week . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ We have started something a little different recently . We have memorized verses as a family for a while already but since we all enjoy poetry we decided to try memorizing a poem every week . I like finding fun catchy ones for the children that are amusing , touching , or something that holds their attention more than simply lines that rhyme . For example a poem about a hornets nest and a little boy who decided to get rid of it with less than desirable results . And another one where a little girl couldn 't remember the answer to 6x9 and called her doll 54 until she thought she would never forget it until the day in school when she gave her dolls real name when the teacher asked her what 6x9 was . There are a lot of preconceived ideas and misconceptions about the Amish out there . One of the main ones is about rumspringa . But I won 't be talking about that today . We used to enjoy toast regularly while we were Amish . While growing up and the first few years of our marriage I made toast on a kerosene stove by placing a piece of bread directly on top of the burner . The flame was more than 12 " away and the heat toasted the bread nicely . After turning it over and toasting the other side it was ready for butter . A lovely piece of toast made without the aid of electricity . Later when we moved to a community that had gas stoves we still enjoyed toast . There was a rack contraption that could be set over the burner and with the burner on low it worked quite well . And there was always the option to make a fried toast . As many of you know I have an aunt with Downs Syndrome . You can read more about her here . Her birthday is coming up on November 5th and I would love to have her mailbox filled with cards . Between working on the buildings his Dad plowed some of the fields to plant corn . Since they were new there were lots of rocks and he decided to take several days to pick up rocks . He said LV could help them if he wanted to and he jumped at the chance . He was finally old enough to be able to help work in the fields . While his brothers were lifting large rocks and tossing them on the box wagon LV was running around picking up stones that were more his size . He spied another stone and ran around the corner of the wagon just as his brother Mervin tossed another rock . It hit the side of LV 's head knocking him down . Sitting up he could feel and see blood gushing down his face . His Dad quickly picked him up and ran to find Mom . Together they cleaned him up and decided the gash didn 't require stitches . After getting bandaged he once again had to stay with Mom while the rest went back to picking rocks . Join me as I chronicle my journey from a happy little Amish girl to where I am today . Still happy , but no longer Amish . The journey starts here |
Andie Miller sat in the reception room of her ex - husband 's law office , holding on to ten years of uncashed alimony checks and a lot of unresolved rage . This is why I never came back here , she thought . Nothing wrong with repressed anger as long as it stays repressed . Andie jerked her head up and a lock of hair fell out of her chignon . She stuffed it back into the clip on the back of her head as North 's neat , efficient secretary smiled at her , surrounded by the propriety of his Victorian architecture . If that secretary had a chignon , nothing would escape from it . North was probably crazy about her . North sat behind his walnut desk , his cropped blond hair almost white in the sunlight from the window behind him . His wirerimmed glasses had slid too far down his nose again , and his shirtsleeves were rolled up over his forearms - - - Still playing racquetball , Andie thought - - - and his shoulders were as straight as ever as he studied the papers spread out across the polished top of the desk . He looked exactly the way he had ten years ago when she 'd bumped her suitcase on the door frame on her way out of town - - - " I called you , remember ? Thank you for seeing me . " North sat down , saying , " Thank you , Kristin , " to his secretary , who left . " She 'll be thrilled . Say hi to Southie for me , too . " Andie opened her purse , took out the stack of alimony checks , and put them on the desk . " I came to give these back to you . " North looked at the checks for a moment , the strong , sharp planes of his face shadowed by the back light from the window . Say something , she thought , and when he didn 't , she said , " They 're all there , one hundred and nineteen of them . November nineteen eighty - two to last month . " " Because they 're a link between us . We haven 't talked in ten years but every month you send me a check even though you know I don 't want alimony . Which means every month I get an envelope in the mail that says I used to be married to you . And every month I don 't cash them , and it 's like we 're nodding in the street or something . We 're still communicating . " " He 's a great guy . " She thought about Will , tall , blond , and genial . The anti - North : He never forgot she existed . " I 'm ready to settle down , so I 'm drawing a line under my old life . " She nodded at the checks . " That 's why I came to give you those back . Don 't send any more . Please . " " No , I 'm not registered , " Andie said , exasperated . " Technically , I 'm not even engaged yet . He asked me , but I needed to give you the checks back before I said yes . " She didn 't know why she 'd expected him to have a reaction to the news . It wasn 't as if he still cared . She wasn 't sure he 'd cared when she 'd left . North waited , as if he expected her to say it out loud . When she didn 't , he went on . " Unfortunately , the aunt died in June . Since then I 've hired three nannies , but none have stayed . " " No . Theodore 's great - great - grandfather had the house brought over from En gland in the 1850s . I don 't know why he dug a moat . The point is , these children have nobody , and they 're alone down there in the middle of nowhere with only the house keeper taking care of them . If you will go down there , I will pay you ten thousand a month to … fix them . " " Fix them , " Andie said . Ten thousand a month was ridiculous , but it would pay off her credit card bills and her car . In one month . Ten thousand dollars would mean she could get married without debt . Not that Will cared , but it would be better to go to him free and clear . " What do you mean , fix them ? " " The children are … odd . We wanted to bring them here in June after their aunt 's death , but the little girl had a psychotic break when the nanny tried to take her away from the house . The boy was sent away to boarding school at the beginning of August , but he 's been expelled for setting fi res . I need someone to go down there and stabilize the children , bring their education up to standard for their grade level so they can go to public school , and then move them up here with us . " Andie shook her head and another chunk of hair slipped out of her chignon . " Psychotic breaks and setting fi res , " she said , as she stuffed it back . " North , I teach high school En glish . I have no idea how to help kids like this . You need - - - " " I need somebody who doesn 't care about the way things are supposed to be , " he said , his eyes sliding to her neck . " I think that 's where the nannies are going wrong . I need somebody who will do the unconventional thing without blinking . Somebody who will get things done . " He met her eyes . " Even if she doesn 't stay for the long haul . " " No . The divorce is a dead subject . " And the ghost of it is sitting right here with us . Although maybe only with her . North didn 't looked haunted at all . " I don 't want a wedding , I want to get married . Why are you offering me ten thousand dollars a month for babysitting ? You didn 't pay the nannies that . It 's ridiculous . For ten thousand a month , you should not only get child care , you should get your house cleaned , your laundry done , your tires rotated , and if I were you , I 'd insist on nightly blow jobs . Did you think I wouldn 't notice that you 're still trying to keep your thumb on me ? " She shook her head , and the lock of hair fell out of her chignon again . Well , the hell with that , too . He sat very still , and then he said , " Why do you have your hair yanked back like that ? " sounding as annoyed as she was . " I 'm not hostile , " Andie said , and then added fairly , " well , okay , I am hostile . You didn 't do anything to save our marriage ten years ago , but every month you send a check so I 'll think of you again . It 's passive aggressive . Or something . You know the strongest memory I have of you ? Sitting right there , behind that desk . You 'd think I 'd remember you naked with all the mattress time we clocked in that year together , but no , it 's you , staring at me from behind all that walnut as if you weren 't quite sure who I was . You have no idea how many times I wanted to take an ax to that damn desk just to see if you 'd notice me . " Andie looked at him for a moment , sitting there rigid and polite and completely inaccessible . " Yes . It was a bad idea coming back here . I should go now . " She stood up . " The last nanny . She said there were ghosts in the house . I asked the local police to look into things to see if somebody was playing tricks , but they found nothing . I think it 's the kids , but if I send another nanny down there like the previous ones , she 's going to quit , too . I need somebody different , somebody who 's tough , somebody who can handle the unexpected . Somebody like you . And you 're the only person like you that I know . " Suddenly he was the old North again , warm and real with that light in his eyes as he looked at her . " They 're little kids , Andie . I can 't get them out of there , and I can 't leave them there , and with Mother in France , I can 't leave the practice long enough to find out what 's going on , and even if I could , I don 't know anything about kids . I need you . " Ouch . " I don 't - - - " " Everybody they 've ever been close to has died , " North said quietly . " Everybody they 've ever loved has left them . " Bastard , Andie thought . " I can 't give you months . That 's ridiculous . " North nodded , looking calm , but she 'd been married to him for a year so she knew : He was going in for the kill . " Give them one month then . You can draw your line under us , we don 't need to talk , you can send reports to Kristin , hell , take your fiancé down there with you . " The problem was , he sounded sincere . Well , he always did , he was good at that , but now that she really looked at him , he had changed . She could see the stress in his face , the lines that hadn 't been there ten years ago , the tightening of the skin over his bones , the age in the hollows under his eyes . His brother Southie probably still looked as smooth as a boiled egg , but North was still trapped behind that damn desk , taking care of everyone in the family . And now there were two more in the family , and he was handling it alone . He drew a deep breath . " Thank you . " Then he put his glasses back on , professional again . " There 's a house hold account you can draw on for any expenses , and a credit card . The house keeper will clean and cook for you . If you come by tomorrow , Kristin will give you a copy of this folder with everything you need in it and your first check , of course . " " Right . " She shoved her hair back , picked up her purse , and stood up again . " I 'll drive down tomorrow and see what I can do . You have a good winter terrorizing the opposing counsel . " She headed for the door , refusing to look back . This was good . She 'd given back the checks and cut the connection , so she could spare a month to save two orphans . Will was in New York for the next two weeks anyway , and he 'd come home to a fiancée with no debt , and then - - - After Andie left , North sat for a moment considering the possibility that he 'd lost his mind . He 'd had the résumés of several excellent nannies on his desk , and he 'd hired his ex - wife instead . Fuck , he thought , and deliberately put her out of his mind , which was difficult since she 'd mentioned blow jobs . Which were irrelevant because he and Andie were over , had been for ten years . Blow jobs . No , she was right : Draw a line under it . He went back to work , making notes on his newest case as the shadows grew longer and Kristin left for the night , definitely not thinking about Andie , his black capital letters spaced evenly in straight rows , as firm and as clear as his thinking - - - He stopped and frowned at the page . Instead of " Indiana " he 'd written " Andiana . " He marked an I over the A but the word sat there on the page , misspelled and blotted , a dark spot on the clear pattern of his day . " North ! " his brother Sullivan said as he came in , his tie loosened and his face as genial as ever under his flop of brown hair . Say hi to Southie for me , Andie had said . It had been ten years since anybody had called Sullivan " Southie . " " You look like hell . " Sullivan lounged into the same chair Andie had taken and put his feet on the desk . " You can 't work round the clock . It 's not healthy . " Your whole life isn 't the damn law firm , North , Andie had said a month before she 'd left him . You have a life . And you have me although not for much longer if you don 't knock off this I - live - for - my - work crap . " Now that 's health . That woman was built for distance . " North pictured their elegant , platinum - haired mother running a marathon in her pearls , kicking any upstarts out of the way with the pointed end of her heels as she crossed the fi nish line . She 'd been thrilled when Andie left . " No , no , it 's time I helped out . " Sullivan smiled at him . " I 've been thinking about what I could do , but I figure you 'd fall on your number two pencil before you 'd let me help with the practice . " North looked down at the black pen mark that made " Andiana " such a blot . A number two pencil would be a good idea if he was going to start making mistakes . " So I was thinking of something a little more in my area and out of yours , " Sullivan said . " People . You 're not a people person , North . I am . " " People . " North turned the top sheet on his legal pad over so he didn 't have to look at the blot . Andiana . What the hell ? " Sullivan , there are no such things as ghosts , " North said , and for a moment he was twelve again and Sullivan was six , staring wideeyed into the room where their father was laid out in his coffin . He 's not going to sit up , Southie , North had said then . He 's dead . There 's no such thing as ghosts . " ' Everybody ' being a nanny who got bored and wanted out . " " Other people have thought so , lots of rumors . So I thought I 'd go down there and talk to some of the people . See what 's going on . " " Kelly O ' Keefe ? " North thought of the tiny , sharp - faced , sharptongued newscaster he 'd avoided after one viewing . " The little blonde with the teeth on Channel Twelve ? " " Okay . Well , then , I 'd like to take Kelly down there and look into the ghosts . I can check on the kids for you while I 'm there . " " No , no , she 's not interested in reporting on kids anymore , she 's on to ghosts now . She found out that the house was originally a haunted house in England and she 's very excited about it . Did you know they brought the house over here in pieces and rebuilt it ? Kelly could be really grateful if I took her down there . Plus , I 'd get to investigate a haunted house . I 've talked to two highly regarded ghost experts and there 's something behind this stuff . I told the experts that there 's a haunted house in the family , and one of them would like to see it . Kelly would like to see it . I 'd like to see it . We won 't talk to the kids . " " No , no , I told you , we won 't bother the kids . My plan is that I take Kelly and Dennis , the expert , down there , we talk to people - - - not the kids , adults only - - - I see what 's going on and report back to you , you get to know the kids are safe , Dennis gets more research , Kelly gets her video whatsis … " Sullivan shrugged . " We all win . Plus , I get away from Columbus before Mother gets back from Paris . She doesn 't like Kelly . Says she 's all teeth and hair . " North looked at his little brother with an exasperation he hadn 't felt in years . Southie 's permanently thirteen , Andie had said . Thirty - four hobbies and a hard - on . But she 'd been laughing when she 'd said it … " Well , grow up and I 'll never call you that again . You 're running down there because you don 't want to face Mother with your latest career plan or girlfriend . It 's not much of a rebellion if you keep running away . " " I 'm not rebelling . I don 't have anything to rebel against . I have a great life . And to keep my life great , I 'd like to avoid unpleasantness while learning about something that interests me and makes my girlfriend happy . Plus the last nanny quit last week so the kids are there alone . That 's not - - - " " This one will last . " North hesitated and then said , " I sent Andromeda . " " Andie ? " Sullivan whistled and then grinned . " Ghosts versus Andie . The supernatural is going to get its ass kicked . I didn 't even know she was back in town . When did you talk to her ? " " Her hair 's different ? " Southie said . " You see your ex - wife for the first time in ten years and that 's all you got ? " She looked tired . " He shook that thought out of his head . " She was only here for twenty minutes . I didn 't pay that much attention . " " I remember the first time I saw her , " Southie went on , ignoring him . " I was supposed to talk you into an annulment , and her old clunker of a car pulled up , and you said , ' There she is , ' and she got out and came walking toward us , and I knew there wasn 't going to be an annulment . I told you she looked like there was music playing in her head , and you said , ' Yeah , it 's - - - ' " " She 's getting married again . Now if we 're finished here … " North looked back to his notes as a hint , but when Southie didn 't say anything , he looked up . The twinge North had felt when she 'd told him stabbed at him again and he put a lid on it again . " Why ? We 've been divorced for ten years . It 's not as if I thought she was coming back . " Southie shook his head . " You know , she used to be family . As far as I 'm concerned she still is . We need to look out for her . This guy could have anything in his past . He 's a writer , for Christ 's sake . " " And I should go down and check on her in that house , " Southie went on as if North hadn 't spoken . " I can 't believe you sent her down there without backup . God knows what 's down there . " " No , " North said , and then thought about Andie , down in the wilds of southern Ohio . She might like it . She 'd been wandering around ever since they 'd divorced , moving someplace new every year , teaching in some really godforsaken places . Maybe that had been his mistake , keeping her in the city . Trying to keep her at all . He shook his head . " No , it wasn 't a mistake . She 'll handle things . " " Yeah , she will , " Southie said , his voice odd , and when North looked up , he saw Southie regarding him sympathetically . " Maybe you should go down there . Get out of the office , check to make sure she 's all right . Spend a night in the place so you know what it 's like . " " Because I always thought it was , " Southie said . " If you 'd gone after her , you could have gotten her back . That 's all she wanted , she was just lonely - - - " " Right . Well , you have a good time with your work , " Southie said , and left , shaking his head . Damn it . The divorce hadn 't been a mistake . She 'd been miserable . He 'd been miserable because she was miserable . Going after her wouldn 't have changed that . They were both happier now . He had work to do . He pulled his notebook back in front of him and then thought , Maybe good for her . Because Southie was right , he didn 't know anything about this yahoo she was getting engaged to . She probably didn 't , either . She 'd married him after twelve hours of phenomenal sex , she could be lunging into another mistake . And she hadn 't smiled . She 'd smiled all the time when they were married . In the beginning . He picked up the phone and called the detective agency the firm used and ordered a background check on Will Spenser . Then he flipped open the notebook to go back to work and saw the " Andiana " blot . No , he thought , and ripped out the page and copied the whole thing over again . With no mistakes . By late afternoon the next day , Andie had finished packing and tying off the loose ends of her life . There weren 't many loose ends since she 'd been moving around the country for ten years , which tended to limit most ends , loose or otherwise , but she did call Will in New York to tell him the good news . " Ten thousand dollars , Will . It 'll pay off all my debts with some left over . I 'm being practical and mature here . " " I 'll pay your debts . What I 'd really like to hear is that you 're going to marry me . " Of course , Andie thought , and said , " Maybe . " She heard a thunking sound on the other end of the phone . " What 's that ? " " Same difference . Do you take this long to answer all your marriage proposals ? " It took me five seconds to say yes to North . " Yes . I ponder them , and the guys get bored and wander off . Will , I want to do this , it really is important to me to be free and clear financially before I start a new life . I 've been spinning my wheels for ten years . I want a new start with nothing left over from before . " " Okay , " he said in that easygoing voice she loved . He was so Not - North . " Call me often . Tell me you love working with kids and want to have twenty . " Andie frowned at the phone . " Are you jealous ? Because , trust me , he 'd forgotten I existed until I showed up in his office . And no , I won 't be seeing him . " " How could I forget ? " Andie said , and moved on to the I - loveyous before North became a permanent part of their conversation . Then she picked up the last of her three suitcases and her CD player and went out to deal with her mother , who was standing on the sidewalk in front of her little brick German Village cottage in her jeans and faded Iron Maiden T - shirt , looking worried as she stared at Andie 's ten - year - old bright yellow Mustang . " I don 't like this , " Flo said , for the fortieth time , her long , curly , graying hair bobbing as she shook her head . " I dreamed about you last night . You fell into a well . " " It means your subconscious is calling to you . You 've been repressing something . That 's what the water means anyway . The falling part is probably about being out of control , or since it 's you , maybe it 's about running away . You know what a bolter you are . " " There was so much negative energy in your marriage , " Flo fretted . That wasn 't negative energy , that was raging lust . " I 'm not revisiting my marriage . I 'm taking care of two orphaned kids for a month - - - " Andie slammed the hatchback closed . " Flo , my Venus isn 't anywhere near North . If his Capricorn was in my Venus , I could see your point , but it 's staying here in Columbus while I go south . " She went around and opened the back door of the car and shoved over the boxes of school supplies that Kristin had given her to make room for her stereo while her mother obsessed about her life . Flo frowned . " Probably sexual memory , those Capricorns are insatiable . Well , you know , Sea Goat . And of course , you 're a Fish . You 'll end up back in bed with him . " Andie slammed the car door . " You know what I 'd like for Christmas , Flo ? Boundaries . You can gift me early if you 'd like . " " I 'm not seeing North . I 'm going to have a stable , secure relationship with a good man who loves me and won 't desert me for his career . Which reminds me . I left that stupid suit jacket on the bed , so the next time you 're at Goodwill , drop it off , will you ? I don 't know why I kept it . I 'm never going to be near anybody who 'll want me to wear a suit again . " Flo folded her arms . " Will 's a Gemini . Volatile . Well , he 's a writer . You 're not sexually compatible , you 're both so scattered . You must be all over the place in bed . " " Boundaries , Flo , " Andie said , thinking , The sex is just fine . Not wall - banging , earth - shattering , oh - my - god sex , but fun and energetic and damn satisfying just the same . Wall - banging , earth - shattering , oh - my - god sex was probably for people in their twenties . At least that was the last time she 'd had it . " Will and I are good . And I don 't believe in astrology . Or dreams . " She looked sternly at Flo . " Well , the boy will be all right . You can always count on a Taurus . Steady as they come . Strong . The Bull . " She looked thoughtful . " They like things , you know ? Good food , comfort , they 're very materialistic . If you need to win him over , that could help . " " Now why would you think that ? The little girl 's going to be completely different . Intense . Secretive . You won 't buy her with comfort . And you won 't be able to bamboozle her , either . Scorpios . They 'll kill you as soon as look at you . They like sparkly things , though . You might get her with sequins . " " Although I 've always liked Scorpios . They 're interesting . And they 're survivors . Taurus , too , those are both survivor signs . Tough kids . They 'll make it without you . " Flo bit her lip . " Andie , don 't go . " " I 'm going . " Andie opened the driver 's side door to escape before her mother started on rising signs . " I 'll be back in a month , and everything will be fine . " " No it won 't . " Flo took a deep breath . " It 's not just the dreams and the stars . I read your cards last night . The Emperor was crossing you . That 's power and passion , so it has to be North . It was a bad , bad reading . You 're going down a path that 's all conflict and struggle . There 's no peace there . Will can 't help you , he 's not strong enough for you . North 's too strong . " " Mother - - - " " Well , stop it , " Andie said , and got in the car . Then she got out again and hugged Flo , who hugged her back , hard . " Sorry , Mom . I love you much . Don 't worry . In a month , I 'll be back and living here in town and you can run the cards for me every day if you like . " " You don 't understand , " Flo said . " You 're not a mother . When you have a child , you can 't let her go into danger , you have to be there for her - - - " " Flo , I 'm thirty - four . The child part is over . " " It 's never over , " Flo said , and Andie shook her head at her obtuseness and got back in her car . Andie headed south on I - 71 and then turned off onto a winding twolane highway and then from there onto another narrower road that moved into a heavily wooded area , making the drive dark in the middle of the day . The general air of desolation was not helped by the fact that she saw only two other cars once she passed the last sign of civilization - - - a shopping center - - - before she hit New Essex , the depressed little town that marked the turnoff to the long dead - end road the house was supposed to be on . By then the sun was going down , so fifteen miles later , when she saw the battered sign that said archer house in the middle of some weeds , she pulled off to the side of the road in the deepening twilight and got out to investigate . The road dipped down sharply , scraping the Mustang 's front fender , which made her shudder , and then leveled off into the potholelaced lane that wound through the trees for about a quarter of a mile and came out into meadow gone to seed . Beyond that an ancient three - story stone house rose up , flaunting two rose windows , a crumbling tower , and a moat , all its windows dark in the twilight and beyond that more clustered trees over which crows circled and cawed . " The House of Archer , " Andie said to herself as she slowed to take it all in . Well , it was a dull , dark , and soundless day in the autumn of the year . She pulled the Mustang up in front of the garages and got out , looking around the deserted yard as she slammed the door , the sound echoing in the gloom . The place wasn 't just neglected , it was slovenly : weeds everywhere , the flagstone broken , the steps to the back door crumbling . The house was plainer in back , with just a single column of porch topped by bay windows , one to each floor , the window frames peeling and the gutters rusting , and everything oppressed by the bleak gray stone . And all of it was really wrong . North wouldn 't leave property looking like this . Not for two years . And he 'd have made sure there was somebody there to greet her when she pulled up . There was another door in the opposite wall , and she opened that one , feeling more and more like Alice through the Looking Glass , but this time , light hit her as she walked in . It was a huge , white kitchen , but a less welcoming heart of the house would be hard to imagine , nothing like the kitchen full of color North had given her in Columbus . Every surface was scrubbed and empty except for the long wood farm house table in the center . " Andromeda Miller . Mr . Archer told me . " Mrs . Crumb nodded , her arms folded over the aggressively flowered apron that covered her equally aggressive bosom . " He tells me everything . He trusts me like I was his own mother . " " I know what 's best , so you do as I say , and we 'll all get along fine . " She smiled at Andie , but her eyes were cold . " That 's Carter , " she went on , jerking her head toward the boy without looking at him , " and that 's Alice , and they 're your students . Everything else , I take care of . " She transferred her reptile smile to the little girl . If that kid is a lamb , the wolves are toast , Andie thought . " So now that you understand how things work , " Mrs . Crumb went on , " I 'll take you to your room . " She took a step closer and Andie caught a whiff of peppermint and booze . " But don 't you get any ideas about me working for you . " Mrs . Crumb made a short nod toward Andie 's suitcase . " You 'll have to carry that . I 'm not your servant . And I 'll be needing some help around the house , so don 't think you 're too good to pick up a broom . " She sniff ed . " I know your kind . " " I 'm afraid there 's been a mistake , " Andie said , stepping on her temper . " I 'm not a nanny . And for the next month , I 'm the one in charge . " " Mr . Archer put somebody he doesn 't even know over me ? " She chuckled without humor . " I don 't think so . You 'll do as I say or I 'll tell Mr . Archer . And then we 'll just see what happens . " The little girl continued scooping orange whatever , but the boy was watching now . Andie shoved her ringless left hand in her coat pocket . " Mrs . North Archer . My husband sent me here for a month to fix whatever 's wrong . " She walked over to the table and looked into the bowls , since meeting Mrs . Crumb 's eyes after that lie was not easy . " After we make our assessment , we 'll decide on the children 's future . " " Where are the vegetables ? Fruit ? Protein ? Grains ? Dairy ? You have fat , starch , and yellow dye number two covered , now let 's try fiber and vitamins . " " Actually , you do . " Andie went over to the cupboard and opened it to see boxes of mac and cheese and jars of pasta in some kind of toxic orange sauce . " Oh , my God . " There was a jar of jam , a loaf of white bread , a gallon jug of milk that was almost empty , and two squares of American cheese . She turned back to the table . " You 're going to have to do better than this . " " That 's what they eat , " Mrs . Crumb said . " That 's kid food . " The children were both watching her now , the little girl scooping more mac and cheese , the boy with his head ducked low , two pairs of Archer blue eyes boring into her over Archer cheekbones . They were thin , pale , and hostile , but nothing about either one of them said " victim . " " Now you listen here , " Mrs . Crumb blustered . " You can 't come in here and change things all around . I don 't believe you 're married to Mr . Archer . " She lifted her chin again . " You are not a lady . " Andie took a deep breath . " Okay , look , it 's my job to make you safe and healthy and I 'm going to do that . For the next month , you 'll have decent meals … " The house keeper glared at her , and Andie stared back , unimpressed . After a moment , Mrs . Crumb pursed her painted lips and sat down across the table from where Andie stood , forcing a smile . " We got off to a bad start . " " There are things about this house you don 't know , " Mrs . Crumb said , leaning forward , and Carter stopped eating to watch her . " It 's a big house , there 's history in this house . I 've been here all my life , since I was sixteen , I know this house . You need me . " Carter went back to his mac and cheese and Andie thought , That 's not what he was expecting . " The history of the house isn 't important to me . The kids are . " " Ghosts ? " How dumb do you think I am ? " I don 't believe in ghosts . I do believe in nutrition and basic curriculum skills , so that 's what I 'll be concentrating on . " " Like this stuff you 're feeding the children . " Andie looked at the orange smears left in Alice 's bowl as she polished off the last of her pasta . " I 've never seen macaroni and cheese that color before . Does it glow in the dark ? " Mrs . Crumb got up and took the children 's bowls . " We should get along , you and me . You 're going to need me . " Andie looked at the old woman 's cold little eyes . Jesus , I hope not . " I 've tried giving her other dolls but she just wants that one . It 's not right . We should do something about that , you and me . " Andie watched Alice 's straight little back climb the stairs without wavering even though she must have heard the house keeper 's voice . " If that 's the doll Alice wants , that 's the doll she gets . " " This is the bathroom , " she said proudly , opening a door opposite the stairs that led to a large vintage washroom with a freestanding brass and frosted glass shower in the middle of the hardwood floor . " You 're sharing this with me . My room 's on the other side " - - - she nodded toward the front of the house - - - " but I know you won 't mind since we 're going to be such good friends . " Then she moved toward the back of the house to a door that was ajar because Alice had walked through it moments before . " And that 's the nursery through there . " Mrs . Crumb jerked her thumb at a door to the right that was also ajar , probably from Alice walking through it , too . " I 'm going to go make you a nice hot toddy now . Just the thing to help you drop off to sleep . " She smiled again , and again it didn 't reach her eyes , and then she went back out through the hall door . " Hot toddy , " Andie said , not even sure what that was , and walked over to the open door and looked through it . The nursery was huge , maybe thirty feet across , with a bank of barred windows across the back including a little bay - windowed alcove with a window seat full of books spilling onto the floor . There were two narrow twin beds , their mattresses naked , an ancient rocker with chipped white paint , a rump - sprung old sofa , a battered table with paper and pencils on it and several mismatched chairs scattered around it , and an old TV in the middle of the room with an ancient boom box on top of it . At the far end was a cold gas fi replace with a small , modern fire extinguisher on the mantel . It was about as cozy as an abandoned mental hospital . " This is my room ! " Alice said , straightening as she clutched her blue Jessica doll to all the jewelry on her thin little chest . " You have to knock before you come in ! " Carter jerked back against his headboard , his eyes wide , almost dropping the comic book he 'd been reading . Then he saw her and scowled . " You ever hear of knocking ? " " This one 's a room , " Carter said , and went back to his comic . Andie looked around the room and saw ancient heavy furniture and a bed covered with old blankets in various shades of drab . The only interesting things in the whole room were the stacks of comic books , papers , and pencils on the bedside tables that said Carter did something besides glare and eat , and the carpet at the end of the bed that was riddled with scorch marks . Pyro , she thought , and was grate - ful the house was mostly stone . She looked up to see Carter watching her , his face stolid , so she nodded and began to close the door only to stop when she took a second look at his bedside table . There was a lighter on it , a cheap plastic job . She opened the door wider and saw two more on the other table . He was still staring at her , and she thought about saying , " What in the name of God do you need three lighters for ? " But it was her first night and Carter already didn 't like her and she was too damn tired . " Don 't set anything on fire , " she told him , and closed the door . Then she walked through the stone arch on her right and almost ran into an ancient wood railing that ran around three sides of an open space . The railing rocked a little as she put her hands on it , so she looked over the edge carefully . Andie went in and saw that Alice had changed into a too - large jersey T - shirt that hung down past her knees , clearly a hand - me - down from some adult . She looked both pathetic - - - poor little Alice had to get ready for bed on her own - - - and eerie - - - poor little Alice 's shirt said bad witch on it in glowing green letters . She looked oddly defenseless without her armor of necklaces - - - they were hanging over her lampshade now - - - but with her white - blond hair standing out every which way , she also looked demented . We 'll comb that tomorrow , Andie thought . " Right . " Andie noticed that Jessica had fallen to the floor . " You dropped something . " She bent and picked up the old doll and poked Alice under the covers . " Yes , we 're going to be great pals , " Andie said , and headed back across the nursery to her own room , thinking that it was no surprise the nannies had cracked . They 'd probably expected to be put living in the tomb at any moment , probably by Carter and Alice . She heard something from the hallway by Alice 's room and went back to check . Alice 's door had come partly open , and inside Alice was talking . " She 's not staying , " Alice was saying . " She 's just going to be here a month . She 's not even a nanny . It 's okay . We 're staying right here . " |
After I stood up to Daddy and walked away from him that Saturday afternoon it would be another year before I 'd speak to him again . During that year I continued with my life . As upset as I was about what had happened , I couldn 't focus on it too long or it would stifle me . Meanwhile , I was Jewish so of course I thought about it a lot and asked myself the what ifs but , regardless I had to continue to move forward . I was used to having to do that and sadly , it was going to be my normal until I was ready to totally break free from Daddy . I supposed that was where I had the power but I just couldn 't do it . It was ironic that I couldn 't find the strength to leave that chaotic side of my life but I did have the strength to continue with college and taking care of myself . I was proud that I never stooped to Daddy 's " Whoa is me so therefor you owe me " philosophy . The only person I felt should have given me something was Daddy . And all I wanted from him was the love and protection of a father . Oh and I wanted back the money he owed me . I 'd have to come to terms with the fact he was incapable of giving me what I needed including the money he borrowed from me . However , I 'd learn that from many , many hard lessons still to come . Listen , I have to tell you a lot of good things happened that year I didn 't speak to Daddy . Even though I 'd obsess over wanting that father / daughter relationship , I felt free during that time . No guilt trips and no sense of obligation except to myself . You 'd have thought I would have had a clue and would have jumped off the Daddy marry go round . But , I was always hoping Daddy would change . So anyway , that year I finally declared a major in fine art ( even to the dismay of others who wondered how in the hell I 'd make a living from it ) . For me though I needed those classes and thank G - d for the professors I had who allowed me to use my class projects as a way to work through the loss of my mom and my own fears about breast cancer . It really was a time I used my art for therapeutic reasons but I wasn 't cognizant that was what I was doing . It allowed me to hammer through a lot of issues even though it would be years down the road before I could let go of my anger . It was a pivotal year for me . And even though those close to me felt I was making a mistake by declaring art as my major , it was what I needed at the time . Also , that year I had three solid jobs which I enjoyed And they gave me some security financially . Added to those my adopted parents were still there for me which gave me emotional security . If I had a problem or was lonely , they were always available . Then , there were the friends I made in my classes . I had felt isolated for so long by Daddy . It was great to have friends again . I hadn 't realized how much I missed that socialization . That year away from Daddy my sister and I started talking again . Even though our conversations were guarded , it was a a good beginning . We had many lost years and the amount of distrust that grew over that time wasn 't going to dissipate overnight . Those twelve months brought many positive things my way and I was for the most part happy . Of course Daddy had left me a legacy to focus on what I didn 't have ( which I did ) but I knew deep down my life was rich and most of all , I was incredibly lucky to have my adopted family and the family who allowed me to stay in their garage apartment . I truly grew to love both of those families . So , to take a line from a Frank Sinatra song , ' It was a very good year . ' The only thing I regretted that year was not having a car . I knew it was best I no longer had Daddy 's car because of the many strings attached , however , it did make it harder for me . Here was the thing . I never minded walking and would walk at the drop of the hat to get anywhere I needed to go . It was just during those times when it was SO hot or too cold or rainy or I was just tired . At those times having a car would have been nice . I also accepted a job in an area of town that made me a little scared . Walking there during the daytime wasn 't so bad but night time really concerned me . Even though I said I wouldn 't take a job with the idea of having Daddy 's car , I did take this one anyway with the hopes I 'd have it . I figured I would deal with the problem of not having a car when it came . And so it came . Listen , it was a job I really wanted . I taught art to neighborhood kids and I loved it . But , I hadn 't thought about what I 'd do if and when Daddy took his car back . It was amazing how things worked out . Before going to this job I spent a lot of my time in the college 's art studios doing my work . I always hoped someone would be there when I was , so I could ask them for a ride . I had a rule to never ask someone more than twice for a ride I didn 't want to inconvenience them . Needless to say , I broke my own rule when I asked this woman who was in my painting class for a ride every week . She was in the studio at the same time as I was and even though she was weird , I enjoyed her company . OK , here was the truth . I was very lonely . I hated going home to my apartment and being alone . I craved people . Knowing she would be in the studio , I often went there instead of going home . Honestly , I think I annoyed the shit out of her at first because I went to the studio to socialize . She liked it quiet while she painted . Often , soon after I 'd get there , she 'd decide to quit painting and go home . You know , I never thought that she was leaving because of me . Instead , I thought her leaving was great timing so maybe she could drop me off at work on her way home . And so , I would ask her for a ride . She never said no . I tried to offer her gas money but she 'd never take it . She always said it was on her way . Sometimes she 'd let me buy her lunch or dinner as my way of thanking her . So , I have to tell you this . She drove the biggest damn car I had ever seen . It was a solid steel tank that was some model car from the 1970 's . When she gave me a ride and she drove down one of the city 's narrow roads , I would be SO nervous she was going to hit either the curb or the car next to her . She once noticed that I 'd hold the car door while she drove . She thought that was funny . Ha , ha . I was just looking after myself . I 'll never forget the first time she gave me a ride . We were walking out to the parking lot to go to her car . I 've got to tell you I think the only reason she stayed late in the college studio was because there was no way in hell she could have gotten into her car when someone parked next to her . Her doors were huge and she needed room to open them . Anyway , when we got into her car I looked around . It reminded me of Momma 's Pontiac with the hand crank window handles and the one long front seat . I did secretly like the reverse gear handle thingy on the steering wheel . That gave me warm fuzzy 's of my childhood when I would stand up in the front seat while Momma was driving . OK , so there I am sitting in her tank , I mean car when she started the ignition . OMG ! I thought we were going to blast off into space with as loud as the engine was and how much the car shook . I know I 've never had the experience of going into space but her car felt like I would imagine it . It was incredibly ironic that her car was so big and loud and yet she was ( I felt ) painfully quiet and timid . She appeared to not want to be noticed . And when she spoke , I could never hear her and always had to ask her to speak up . At times I got so frustrated with asking her to speak up , I just kept on talking as if I knew what she had said . Aside from her quiet demeanor and her gargantuan car , you should have seen how she dressed . OY ! Not that it has anything to do with my story but what the hell . It 's my story . She 'd wear these great , big 1980 's glasses and her clothes seemed to be from that time period too . People , it was already 1995 ! Which now I realize wasn 't that far from the 80 's but at the time it felt ancient , OK ? Anyway , once she came to class in a dress and I couldn 't stop staring at her . She walked like a football player when she wore a dress so it was really weird to see her in one . Well , honestly , I 've never seen a football player in a dress , but I was guessing they 'd walk just like her ! It was weird she 'd wear one because it just didn 't seem natural to her . Because she appeared gay to me I was trying to figure out if she was . Gosh , I thought gay women didn 't wear dresses so her wearing a dress totally threw me . Sorry , I wasn 't well versed at the time on gay culture . Even though she dressed funny , seemed a little odd , looked like she might be gay and spoke at a whisper , it didn 't matter to me . Listen , I wore the same damn shirt to class and if I got paint on it , I just turned it inside out . So , I wasn 't one to talk about fashion . And the bottom line was I enjoyed her company and quirkiness . We would have long philosophical conversations on an array of topics and we 'd comfortably challenge each other 's views . I felt comfortable around her . I had never felt so " at home " with anyone else . The other thing was she was a great painter . Somehow , I sensed she had that skill on the first day of class when I first met her . And that 's why I chose to put my painting station right slap dab next to hers . For one I had high hopes she 'd help me with my paintings . OK , so I actually had high hopes she 'd just paint my paintings for me but that never happened as the proof was in the pudding of my horrible paintings . I never knew until later that she hated my painting station next to hers . When she 'd come to class I 'd often be sitting at her painting station . And between you and me I had a little problem borrowing a few of her supplies at times when I ran out . She later expressed how annoyed she was with my boundary issues or there lack of but in spite of it , we still were able to develop a good friendship . As much as I claimed to be intrigued by her what I didn 't want to admit was that in actuality I was falling in love with her . But , that 's for another chapter . So , back to my frustration with not having a car . There were times I 'd feel cooped up and trapped in my apartment . I often wished I could just run out for a scoop of ice cream or to a store just to be around other people . However , I really couldn 't complain . I was incredibly lucky that those times really weren 't too often . It was nice to babysit and have that time away . Also , when my adopted parents were out of town , they 'd let me use one of their cars . In exchange I 'd check their mail and get their newspaper . There were times I 'd stay at their house with their two sons to help them out . I loved those times . I loved their company . One of the times I was staying there the middle son wanted to rent a movie and order a pizza . His younger brother and I thought that sounded good until I saw the movie he picked out . The younger brother was excited to see the movie but I wasn 't as thrilled at all . Now , the older son was about 16 and the younger was 11 or 12 . I can 't remember exactly . But anyway , the older brother chose " Silence of the Lambs " . He told us he heard it was a good movie but it didn 't matter to me because I knew it was going to be scary . I 'm not sure how I was convinced but I agreed to watch the movie with them . So while we were waiting for the pizza to be delivered , we started watching the movie . It wasn 't long into the movie before I had my hand in front of my face as I kept peaking out in between two fingers to see what was happening . The boys would get frustrated with me because I would yell at the TV telling one of the characters what she needed to do . And if I screamed or jumped , it made the boys jump . Oh , they hated when I did that . I guess you could say I was an active movie watcher . Holy Moly ! By the time the pizza arrived , the thought of eating it made us sick . The combination of eating pizza while watching that movie was a bad idea . The movie was very intense to say the least and I was not a happy camper when it was over . I was scared to death but I was supposed to be the " adult " . OK , people , I was 24 and I was just as scared as the younger son . The younger son wanted everyone to sleep in the same room because we were so scared . I thought he had made a great suggestion but the older son wouldn 't go for it . He even laughed at us . OK , he mostly laughed at me but I wasn 't ashamed to say I was scared shitless . I was thankful the younger son " begged " me to sleep in his room in his other single bed . Listen folks , I was entrusted to assure the safety of the boys . It was my duty to make sure the younger son felt safe . Once the younger son and I were done with our bedtime routine ( which was cut a bit short since we were afraid to be in the bathroom by ourselves for too long ) we got into our respective beds in his room . Of course I got the bed right by the door . Anyway , once we settled into our beds we started to hear strange noises . I knew that was going to happen . We tried to ignore them . I kept telling myself that I was the " adult " . I was determined to get a hold of my fears and be brave . I felt like the cowardly lion on the Wizard of Oz trying to convince myself to be brave . Well , I can 't say that worked because the next strange sound I heard , I screamed . And before I finished screaming the younger son had jumped into my bed and pulled the covers over his head . I couldn 't believe h slept that way all night . Sure , it 's funny now but it wasn 't then . Also , during that same time I was staying there the older son got mad that I got to drive his dad 's car . He kept fussing at me that he had to drive the old station wagon and that wasn 't fair . When I told him it was because his dad 's car was a stick shift which he didn 't know how to drive , he told me it was double unfair . But , he was laughing when he said that last part . But here was the thing about his dad 's car . I remember having to contain my excitement to be able to drive it . For one I enjoyed driving a stick shift . But even better than that he coolest thing was … are you ready for this ? The dad had a sun roof ! OK , well I thought it was way awesome . I didn 't care how cold it was outside either . I was going to open it . Yeah , well , that lasted maybe 5 minutes because yeah , well , it was too cold . But , can I tell you how cool I thought I was in that car ? The funny thing was I drove like an old lady , so I can 't imagine how cool I actually looked . However , I had a great imagination and I felt cool in it . Funny , how we think those things and years later we realize how funny we were . Alright well , that time period of me not talking to Daddy was over when I received a call from my sister one afternoon . It was around 1995 and she had gotten a call from my dad 's middle brother telling her that their older brother had died . Since no one but me knew how to reach Daddy because he was paranoid for anyone to have his " personal information " , I was the only one who could contact him with the news . After not speaking to him for so long I had no idea how he 'd respond to me calling let alone how he 'd respond to his brother dying . As I picked up the phone to call him I instinctively reverted into " Daddy Method of Thinking " as if no time had passed . I was rolling the dice as to his mood that day . What would it be ? OMG ! I will never forget that day I called him . I would be lying if I said I wasn 't nervous . I was nervous and scared . I didn 't want a fight . I knew at that point life was easier when he wasn 't in it . I hated to admit that but it was so true . There was no drama , heart ache and most of all there were NO G - D DAMN GAMES ! I HATED those games where Daddy was the one who held the ever changing rules sheet that could never be confirmed because it was never written down or because it fell into the toilet while he was showering but even so , he had a good excuse why that rule would have changed anyway so there was never a need for that hard copy . Sorry , I just had to get that off of my chest . So , I go to call Daddy and when he answered his phone , I said , " Hey , Daddy . " That was usually what I said and then I 'd usually wait for his response which would tell me his mood . Now remember , if he was in a good mood , the good mood could go away in an instance . I had to walk on eggshells during an entire conversation . And if he was in a bad mood , well , there usually was no hope of having a sane conversation . I was used to having a choice of two responses . One where he 'd say , " Hey , sweetie . How are you ? " which was always a good start or " Yeah and so it took you this long to call me ? " which was never good . I have got to tell you . I was NOT prepared for the answer I got when Daddy answered the phone that day . He apparently didn 't recognize my voice . I guess it was dumb of me to have thought by calling him Daddy , he 'd have had a clue who was on the line . After all , I only knew of him having two kids who would possibly be calling him by that title . But , guess what ? Not even saying " Daddy " triggered in his mind who it was . Instead , he said , " Hey , my beautiful Sara . " Then , he starts to say love - ee dovee things to which I immediately responded , " No , Daddy , it 's me ! " It was obvious he had confused me with one of his girlfriends who I guess called him Daddy too ? Oh , that 's gross ! Nor did I want to hear what Daddy was going to say to her , I mean what he was going to say to me thinking I was her . OY ! You know what I mean . Just as I said , " Daddy " and was going to tell him it was his daughter , MaLea , he interrupted by saying , " I 'm so sorry , I thought you were someone else . I let out a sigh of relief when he finally realized it was me or so I thought because he then proceeded to call me by another woman 's name but this time in the form of a question . What the hell ? Now he has two girlfriends who refer to him as " Daddy ? " That was double gross . I was so disgusted that I blurted , " Daddy , it 's me . It 's your daughter , MaLea . " I just knew that would clear it all up . After all , I said my name . Daddy responded by saying , " Sorry , who is this ? " Holy crap ! Were you kidding me ? He named me for G - d sake ! How many MaLea 's were out there ? And the fact he couldn 't recognize my name or voice ! What the hell ? I didn 't even want to know what he could have been doing to be so distracted . My dad was a man slut ! And I sure as hell had no desire being on the other end of the phone with him thinking I was one of his chickie 's ! So , I yelled , " Damnit Daddy , it 's your daughter , Maaaa Leeeeeeeee aaaaah ! " I could hear panic in his voice as he was trying to figure out who the hell I was . Then the light bulb finally clicked and he said , " Ohhhh ! Well , G - d Damnit , can 't you speak up ? You were mumbling I couldn 't understand you . I wasn 't expecting you to call . I was actually expecting someone else to call . " To which I answered , " Well , that was obvious . I see you are dating a younger crowd now since they call you Daddy too . " Luckily , Daddy didn 't have a clue as to what I meant . Finally , when we established it was me on the phone which took F - O - R - E - V - E - R , I finally was able to tell him the news about his brother . Daddy 's response was cold and distant at first but then he got angry that his middle brother hadn 't called him . When I responded by telling him that no one had his phone number because it basically was unlisted , he hit the roof with anger . I guess you could say I hit a nerve . OK , people ! News flash . Here 's something about Daddy y ' all didn 't know but I have a feeling you won 't be surprised . Daddy had a home phone number that was listed but there was a twist . It was listed under our dead mother 's maiden name . But , there 's another catch . . See , because Daddy gave the phone company Momma 's wrong middle initial , it was listed with her common first name , the wrong middle initial and her very common maiden name . There was no way any family member would have been able to have guessed what name Daddy 's number was listed under . And by the way wasn 't that the point ? Only I was privy to the way his number was listed and G - d help me if I told anyone . It was TOP , TOP SECRET . And if I had told someone then , the secret code would have been out and Daddy would have to go into hiding immediately . I 'm thinking , if the Mossad really , really wanted to find Daddy , I seriously doubt they would have needed the phone book . According to Daddy , they just knew things . So , what the hell ? It shouldn 't have mattered anyway . Now , I bet you 're asking why didn 't Daddy just have an unlisted number ? Well , that 's a damn good question . And the answer was … . . well , his answer was , " I can 't have anyone think I have an unlisted number . That 's not safe . " So , there you have your answer . Listen , I never said it was an answer that would make sense . Come on - it was Daddy . After all of these chapters , I 'm thinking you 've had some experience in " The Daddy 's Method of Thinking . " It didn 't matter to Daddy that his middle brother couldn 't find his home number . Daddy was mad they didn 't go through the trouble to look up his office number which was listed and under his correct name . Now here 's another thing . First of all , over the years more often than not , Daddy lived in the same space as his office . So , what the hell ? He never wanted to be found but holy crap , it didn 't take a rocket scientist to figure it out . But by 1995 he had basically retired and he had an answering machine at an attorney friend 's office nearly 45 minutes away . His business was listed but he hardly ever checked his machine nor went to his friend 's office . So , there he was yelling at me . What nerve they had not calling him to tell him ! How dare they call his daughter to give the news ! How dare that daughter relay the news to his other daughter to give to him ! Then , he has an excuse to be angry at his brother , mother , daughter , cousins , aunts , uncles … . what the hell … . I just thought I 'd throw the entire family in the pot because it didn 't take Daddy long to have a reason why he was pissed at everyone . And just like Daddy to shoot the messengers . I clearly remember sitting on the floor of my apartment thinking if I had been dreaming because the entire conversation with Daddy that day was totally crazy . I 'm guessing because an entire year had passed since I last spoke to him , I was able to notice the total absurdity of the entire conversation . As Daddy was yelling over the phone as to why it was wrong his brother hadn 't called him and as he began telling stories from 40 years back to justify why " they " did him wrong , I started to occupy myself by ooking out my window . I saw several big crows landing on the tree tops . They seemed to have been saying to each other , " Uh Uh ( another way to say no ) . " It made me laugh as I imagined they were talking to me . In my mind I said to those crows , " Can you believe I have been on this phone for 45 minutes and at least 10 minutes of it was Daddy trying to figure out which girlfriend I was ? " The crows timing was impeccable as they responded at just the right time by saying , " Uh , UH . " They made me laugh . One of the crows decided to get a better look and landed on my window sill . I watched him as he seemed to have been watching me . I wondered if that crow could speak if he would have been able to give me a bit of good advice . The crow had a beautiful blue tint to his feathers and his big brown eyes seemed to be that of an old soul . Maybe , it was Momma watching over me . Or maybe it was another relative wanting to offer their support . My daydream was interrupted . Nope , it wasn 't interrupted by Daddy . Aw , hell , he was still telling stories from the 1960 's so he had another 30 years to go before he possibly could have been finished . Would you have believed I was interrupted by the damn crow who by this point was hitting my window with his wings as he seemed to be trying to fly away . I stood up from the floor . I was worried about him . While on the phone and as Daddy had moved into his sob family stories from the 1970 's I walked closer to the window to watch the crow . He turned away from me . I couldn 't I stood up and as I walked towards the window I was relieved to see it was still intact . But , what happened ? When I walked closer to the window and got a better look at what the bird had done , I couldn 't believe my eyes . I laughed so hard I found myself back on the floor . Would you believe that Crow projectile pooped all over the window and the torpedo was a actually a nut that hit the window and fell to the ground ? Now , what are the chances ? Irony ? I 'm thinking so . Living on my own in the garage apartment came with mixed feelings for me . I loved living with my adopted family because it was the life I had so desperately wanted . Yet , I was excited to have my own space . I suppose living with my adopted family gave me a taste of what I was missing , so it made it hard for me to leave on an emotional level . I remember right before my new apartment was ready , I was so nervous about moving . It was as if I was heading out on my own for the first time and I was scared . I loved living with a family and being a part of it . I hated the thought of losing it . Often when I was in " my " room ( really the room of their oldest son who was away at college ) I 'd pretend my adopted parents were my real parents . Just thinking about the security of having those parents made me safe . Hell , I had forgotten what that felt like and realized how important it was for a child . Knowing there was a loved one out there rooting for you and caring for you was important to me and I hated that my own Dad couldn 't provide it to me . Instead , I had a father who expected his children to provide for him and to make him the center of their world . Unfortunately , no matter what we did it was never enough . Also I know for myself the more I gave to him , the more he expected . It was an exhausting never ending cycle . My sister was just able to jump ship a bit quicker than me fortunately . I can 't even begin to tell you how I hated wasting my time thinking about what I was missing . It would only make me mourn my losses over and over again . When would I be able to just mourn it and move on ? It stifled me . My brain had so much control over me . I couldn 't stop it from thinking about the very things I wanted behind me . There was something else I hated . Common for me to live my life flipping between the world I created in my head and the one that actually existed , it was difficult for me to delineate between the two . And yet to be honest I really wasn 't so sure my world of reality was so real either . Until I left Daddy I wasn 't able to see that my mentality was the same as his . Or should I say he beat a way of thinking into me that I have spent a lifetime trying to get rid of it . And not knowing what was good or bad because everything Daddy taught us was falsified and embellished , I had no way of knowing what behavior or thoughts to throw out . I will never know if he intensionally lied about every G - d damn thing or if he actually believed what he said , but regardless what a bastard he was to pass it to his children . Looking back and speaking to my sister he really told some doozies that I found very hard to believe he didn 't know what he was saying . Sadly though , it would take me years to see that truth and even many more years to undo that way of thinking . He left me a legacy of always having to rethink situations and events . Interpreting situations like him meant to do so in a crazy , convoluted way . I called it , " The Daddy 's Method of thinking " . I have many examples of the " Daddy 's Method of thinking " throughout my chapters . You know , his interpretations of an event really were fucked up and just not with in this world . And if the situation didn 't turn out as he wanted or with him as the main focus , the it meant nobody loved him . Because , don 't you know if we loved him , we would have done as he wanted ? OY ! So , OK , here 's just another situation of " Daddy 's Method of thinking " . I had been living in my new apartment for a couple of years when Daddy called to tell me he was going to let me borrow one of his cars . He had gotten a Lincoln and had his old Ford LTD he wanted me to use . He told me he couldn 't drive both cars , so I could use his Ford LTD . Well , of course I was suspicious because well , you know , I never knew what strings were attached to the deal . As I 've said , he just didn 't do something without getting a return from it . However , he did intimate he had a new girlfriend who had encouraged him to do something nice for me . That same one laughed when she saw Daddy had two cars , so maybe that was how the idea of giving me one of them came about . When Daddy offered the car to me I told him I had no money for the insurance nor could I afford to pay for any repairs on the car . I told him I didn 't want to seem ungrateful but I had to think about worse case scenarios and if I could afford them . I suppose that day he offered the car to me he was a good and generous mood because he agreed he 'd take care of the insurance and any repairs the car may need in the future . Listen , I had been burned once . I knew there was a very high risk in using his car . But , I looked at it this way . I would not plan taking any job around having a car . I would always make sure the job was accessible by foot or bus . I would view the car as a perk until it went away . And as long as my name wasn 't on the car title or on the insurance , I could walk away from it at anytime . So , Daddy let me use the car . It was nice to be able to drive to the laundry mat . Oy ! Try walking a mile to the laundry mat with bags of dirty clothes . Typically , I couldn 't carry all of it , so I would only take a backpack full . And then their was being able to go to the grocery store . Wow ! It was so nice to not have to buy a small amount at a time because that was all I could carry . Then , more than anything there were those times I could work in the school ceramics studio late at night and not have to worry about walking home in the dark . As much as I relished having the car it was always in the back of my mind it would be taken away at any moment . Isn 't that so sad I automatically had to think that way about my own Dad ? I hated not trusting him but that was his track record . Well , when I had Daddy 's car , he 'd call me a good bit . Sometimes he 'd call to see how I was doing ( usually when he had been rejected by a girlfriend and he was lonely ) and other times he had a check list of important information he needed to give me . It usually was where this was or that was for me to find if he died . It all depended on his mental state at the time as to the direction of the conversation . Listen people , for a while there Daddy thought the Mossad was after him . Yes , he thought the Israeli secret service was after him . He was certain of it too . He thought his phones were tapped and they were watching him around the clock . Meanwhile , he could never tell me why he thought they were . It was just his gut feeling which according to him was never wrong . Yeah , I know . I think his gut may have been a bissel mashugunah by that point . Anyway , one Saturday morning he called and asked me if I had a moment to go to his apartment . He said he needed to talk to me . It was always a production with him . And G - d forbid he do it over the phone because the Mossad may over hear him . OK , sorry . I know it 's not funny but really ? I think the Mossad had more pressing business like maybe , um , let me think , THE TERRORISTS WANTING TO BLOW UP THE STATE OF ISRAEL , maybe ! ? Alright , I just had to get that off my chest . So , I told Daddy I could come the next afternoon . He told me it was really important and asked if I could come that day . Because I didn 't have to babysit that evening had made plans to go to a movie with a friend . I figured it would be best to head over to Daddy 's by noon so that it would give me plenty of time for him to talk to me and for mr to go home to get ready for the movie . See , here was the thing . There never was such thing as spending a little time with Daddy . He would absorb a shit load of your time . So , I would have to build in that time to make sure I wasn 't ever late . But , we ain 't talking about adding an extra 30 minutes . No ! I 'd have to add extra hours ! OK , so right before I left for Daddy 's apartment I received a call from the wife who owned my garage apartment . She wanted to see if their was anyway I could babysit for her that day from 2 that afternoon to 4 . Here was the situation . Because of the wonderful living arrangement I had I had promised myself to never turn her down as long as I didn 't have a school obligation or another job obligation . I felt I owed that to the family . Plus , I loved their little girl . So , I told her I would babysit . I was just a little nervous because I hadn 't built in that time . That meant I would have to make my time with Daddy short . Here 's the crazy part . If I got to Daddy 's by noon and needed to leave by 1 : 30 , would you believe he considered that a short amount of time ? I knew by accepting the babysitting that day I 'd be taking a risk with Daddy . It would solely depend on his mood as to whether he 'd hit the roof or be understanding I needed to leave . It was around 11 : 30 that Saturday morning that I headed over to Daddy 's place . I knew I would need to tell Daddy as soon as I got there that I 'd need to leave no later than 1 : 30 . I figured that was my best bet , so he 'd know upfront . And then if he was in a mood I would have time to get home even if I had to walk back home . The fact that Daddy was well aware of my arrangement he knew when I said I had to babysit , it was my priority and it was imperative I not be late . But , the question of the day was … can I have a drum roll please ? The question of the day was , " What would Daddy 's mood be ? " Remember , there never was an in - between nor could he ever be upset about something for just a minute . Oh no ! He 'd spend hours yelling about it . Here was the tricky part . If he was in a good mood at the moment he said hello to you , you had a chance . Now , his mood could go sour in second , so it was crucial to be on your toes the best you could . Even that was a difficult challenge . But , if he was in a bad mood the moment he said hello to you , forget it . You didn 't have a chance in he 'll . Sadly , if I looked at it all statistically , Daddy was in a BAD mood 98 % of the time , so I wasn 't faring too well on my chances . But , I kept thinking positively hoping it would all work out in a copacetic manner . When I arrived I walked up the metal flight of stairs to his apartment and rang his doorbell . He didn 't answer . I waited a few minutes just in case he was in the bathroom but when I didn 't hear him , I rang it again . When he still didn 't answer the door , I waited . Yeah , I know . That was dumb . But , I knew it would have been a no win situation whether I stayed or left . I must have waited a good 30 minutes when he finally opened the door . And of course , I was still there . STUPID ME ! I know , I know . So , want to guess his mood when he answered the door ? And the winner goes to the lady in red who answered , " He was pissed ! " Good answer ! Well , he was pissed because I rang his doorbell too many times . That 's right . Daddy had a rule for that too . However , how many was too many was your guess on any given day . When he motioned for me to come inside and once I did , he angrily told me how rude I was to ring his doorbell so often . He wasn 't a happy camper when I told him that I had only rung it twice . He was furious because he was on the phone with a very important call . And because I was ringing the doorbell I screwed up the call . I thought how that was even possible . What a crazy thing to say ! Needless to say , I knew that visit was going to be an interesting visit . Daddy told me to sit down . As I did I went ahead and told him I had to leave no later than 1 : 30 because I had to babysit . He was so angry that I was " choosing to limit my time with him and forcing him to talk to me with in a certain amount of time I dictating . " He was angry I had not told him I had to babysit when he first called me about coming over . When I told him I had just gotten the call before I left to come to him , he said , " Oh , I get it . That 's how much I mean to you . It 's more important to help a stranger than to help your own father . I get it now . " First of all , I thought , " Help him how ? " I was coming over to talk and I have commitments I have to keep . Daddy knew about my living arrangements so it was no surprise to him that babysitting took precedence . I could see Daddy was getting angrier and angrier . A normal person would have left at that point . However , I knew if I did , he would have taken the car and I would have had to figure out a way home . So , I really was trying to appease him anyway I could so I could leave amicably . Alright so I may have seen the car as temporary , but I made the grave mistake of not preparing and keeping from being in the very situation I found myself in that Saturday afternoon . I knew If I couldn 't calm him down by the time I needed to leave , I was terrified I would be stranded without having a way back home to babysit . I hated that I had not been one step ahead of him to assure I wouldn 't have been stuck . I just knew I was screwed ! I could see it coming . Daddy started yelling at me . He said if I cared about his well being I would have put him before babysitting . As he continued to go on and on , I began brainstorming on the friends I could call to get a ride home . That was my priority , so I could just leave and not have to sit there any longer . But , as I was thinking of who I could call for a ride I was interrupted when a pillow hit my head . I remember looking straight into Daddy 's eyes and telling him that was not acceptable . I knew it was time for me to leave , so I stood up . I also knew the next thing he 'd throw may not be as soft . Daddy was way beyond the point of return and I knew I didn 't need to take anymore . I told him it would be best for me to come back when he had calmed down . Just as I said that he stood up and yelled , " OK , Miss smart ass ! Like hell do you tell me to calm down ! You may have forgotten but I am your father and you are to show me respect . You don 't EVER tell me to calm down ! " By this point his eyes were bulging out from their sockets and the intensity of his anger was too reminiscent of times past . The difference was this time knew I had a choice to leave . And even though it took me maybe a little bit longer to leave than someone else , it still took a lot of strength for me to walk out when I did . As I walked to the door to leave Daddy gave me an ultimatum . He yelled , " If you choose to walk out that door instead of staying here and helping me , then you can just give me my fucking car back . By leaving you are telling me you care more about yourself than your own father . And by leaving you are telling me you don 't love me . The reason you even have a car is because of me ! I refused to be taken advantage of and mistreated by you any longer ! So , it 's your choice . " I remember standing there totally taken a back by the craziness of his ultimatum . I even gave a chuckled and said , " Daddy , I cannot believe you are this angry over me going to babysit . I am not choosing one or the other . I have an obligation I must uphold . Having to fill that obligation does not mean I don 't love you . You are talking about apples and oranges here . " Unfortunately , there was no way for Daddy to understand and as expected he went ballistic . Holy Crap ! How in the fucking hell did this come to such a ridiculous point ? There was no reason for him to be that angry . But in Daddy 's world he expected to be the center of everyone 's universe . And that Saturday I seemed to have knocked him off center . Hmmmm , how apropos to call him and his vision of his world - off centered . Anyway , while he was yelling at me , I started to walk to his front door to leave . As I did he lunged towards me to try to grab the keys to the car from my hands . He missed . I kept walking as I told him I 'd be happy to make arrangements to get the car back to him after I was done babysitting that day . I knew I needed to get out of there . It was already 1 : 15 and I was really worried about being late . It was ironic that Daddy complained he couldn 't move very well because he had something wrong with his leg but that day it was as if there was nothing wrong with him . I 'll chuck it off to adrenaline . As I rushed down his apartment stairs and quickly walked to the car , he moved like lightening to be right behind me . When I opened the car door and started to get in , Daddy went to take a punch at me . I dunked . He missed . At that point I actually could have locked the doors and driven off . But , Daddy 's attempt to punch me really set off my anger and I couldn 't let his attempt go by without a response . I had finally had enough ! I opened the car door and walked right up to Daddy 's face . He was shocked and put his arms in front of his face thinking I was going to hit him . I stood as tall as I could , I looked Daddy straight in his eyes and while pointing at him with my index finger I said with total strength and conviction , " You will not ever fucking hit me again , Daddy ! You will not ever even try to fucking hit me again . I will not stand for it ever again . And if you ever try it again Daddy , you will fucking regret it . I will no longer take it anymore ! " OK , folks , I 'm not sure exactly what he would have regretted but it was all I could think of to say at the time . And it worked . I will never forget the look on Daddy 's face . He looked scared and shocked and remained guarded in case I did decide to hit him . Meanwhile , I never yelled or would have ever hit him . I just wanted to stand up for myself . As I took my house key off the car key ring he stood there emotionless . I gathered my few belongings from the caLeave a comment |
I 'm feeling so shitty , I can 't even . Period . I spend much of my days fighting the nausea and the fatigue … I 'm exhausted before I get going . And now … and now , my imbalance is back in a big way . I 'm struggling to walk without falling over , and I 'm back to touching walls and handrails and tables and whatever in order to keep myself stable . This is a huge slide backward for me , as I haven 't had this kind of imbalance in quite some time . I went back to the doctor AGAIN because I 'm still exhausted and I 'm still nauseated . She told me I was acting better this time versus the last visit , but she 's still thinking I have a virus that I need to just " wait out " . She sent me for more blood work ( ANA , rheumatoid arthritis , lyme , iron , b12 ) , but everything came back normal . My b12 is a tad on the low side for my history but still in the normal range . I 've ordered my b12 sublingual pills and will start them ASAP . Maybe it 's that , maybe it 's stress and grief , maybe it 's something else . I have no idea and apparently neither does my doctor . She said to drink more water and walk outside for 20 - 30 minutes a day . She says dehydration can cause nausea - and maybe it can - but my drinking habits haven 't altered much . Except now I feel like shit and so I don 't want to do anything , including drink . If I go walk outside my allergies will get worse and I 'll have more breathing trouble and more snot and more post - nasal drip and more nausea . The doctor didn 't care for that and told me to do it anyway , that being outside and walking will make me feel better and get rid of my fatigue . I 'm not eating much because I 'm so nauseated all the time . I rush through eating what I can before I feel like I can 't put anything else in my mouth at both lunch and dinner , then I leave my dishes in the sink and go back to the couch . I spend most of my days on the couch , barely even bothering to look at my computer . I try to stay upright , but I 'm so exhausted all the time that I end up stretched out and wishing that the day was just over . I don 't know why I wish for that because at this point tomorrow will be much of the same . I feel like I 'm sliding into this despair of thinking that I 'll never feel better . That it will always be like this . I am trying to push past the exhaustion and do stuff - I did three loads of laundry on Sunday - in the hopes that if I ignore what 's going on it will go away . But by the time I do anything , I feel this crushing fatigue again and I end up on the couch . Or in bed . Sleeping is a negatory . I try to sleep but it doesn 't work , and when I wake up in the morning I can hardly haul myself out of bed . I don 't feel rested or refreshed or like I even closed my eyes . I want to cry but I 'm too fucking tired to cry . I was supposed to go see my massage therapist on the 14th but our local snow canceled that appointment . I was also scheduled to go tomorrow morning , but I literally got an email at 9 : 30pm saying she 's sick and has to cancel . And for sure I 'm grateful because I do NOT want to get sick and it sounds like she has the flu , but I 'm so disappointed . For one thing , I was hoping some trigger point release would help with my imbalance and nausea ( hoping , though not confident ) … for another thing , getting onto her schedule is a bitch and even though I rushed I struggled to get back onto her calendar . It 'll be two weeks before I can get back in to see her , which might not be horrible because if she DOES have the flu I wouldn 't want to be back in her " hands " too soon . But it 's hard to miss appointment after appointment when I 'm feeling so poorly . Hub tried to send me a link to a list of massage therapists in the area , but none of them do trigger point AND it 's hard to just find a new massage therapist . It 's like a mental therapist … you have a relationship built up . It 's not so easy to walk into someone 's space and get naked and let them rub you for an hour . I see T on Friday , which is the day after the one year anniversary of my mother 's passing . Just happens to be how it worked out . Considering how things are going at the moment , it 's going to be a long , sobby appointment . I can 't stand this constant nausea . Every time I swallow I feel sick . Every time I move I 'm wobbly and off balance and that makes the nausea worse . If I didn 't have the dogs , I 'd be in bed all day . I gave thought to going back to bed after lunch today because Butthead had peed and pooped after HER lunch so I knew she 'd be okay for a while , but I didn 't want to give in . I 've been in that place where I didn 't get out of bed for weeks ( with my prilosec fever ) and that 's a bad road to head down . It only makes me weaker and makes me feel worse . Hub 's birthday dinner with his family is this coming weekend . I don 't know how I 'm going to go … by 3pm , I 'm so exhausted I can barely sit at our kitchen table for dinner , how am I going to get out and go to a restaurant and be " on " for his family ? For hours … We didn 't go out on his birthday because I couldn 't get up the energy . We didn 't go donate the dolls and bears I crocheted to the police station because I didn 't have the energy to leave the house . I don 't know what to do now . I don 't know what path to take . I don 't know how to do anything right now . I got my eyes checked - for the first time in at least six years - only to find that my prescription has barely changed . In fact , the doctor wanted to roll back my prescription a smidge but I declined . I just picked up my new glasses about an hour ago and when I put them on , I felt weird . I think we ended up a tiny bit stronger , but the technician said it could also be the upgraded coating on the lenses that made me feel funky . I 'll have to ease into the new glasses , which is fine because I still have an old pair to use in the meantime . The new glasses have half - frames , so they should be lighter on my face . The second pair of " new " glasses I got are actually one of my old frames with new lenses . I would say it was cheaper to do it that way , but honestly by the time I picked the first set of new frames , I was so freaking tired of looking at frames that I just told her to put new lenses in my old frames . They were in fine condition and they were going to be my back - up pair anyway . Everyone I worked with at the optometrist kept repeating that I had single vision lenses ( instead of bi - focals ) and they all sounded surprised . Kind of annoying , but honestly the major reason I didn 't go back to get my eyes checked in the last six years is because at 39 years old , the optometrist told me at 40 I 'd be needing bi - focals ( because that 's " the age " ) and I didn 't want bi - focals so I didn 't go back . And here I am , six years later , still no bi - focals . So poo on all of you . Meanwhile , I also hate getting my eyes dilated , but this optometrist had some new - fangled technology that let them take pictures of my eyes and I was able to put off dilation again . Monday we took Le Moo for her annual " senior " check - up at the vet . We took Butthead , too , because we 'd noticed her front two bottom teeth were disappearing . The vet assured me that it wasn 't likely to be the case when we talked in email , but we brought her anyway to make sure . Le Moo is healthy and has lost about 10 % of her weight . She went from 94 pounds to 86 pounds , which we are doing on purpose because as she ages she seems to be more prone to limping after running or playing . She 's a big girl and we 've always had trouble getting her to lose weight , so we gave up and she pretty much maintained a steady weight for all the years we had her . Then we saw the limping issue and we started getting really strict and we 've noticed it paying off . We 'll keep up with it and try to keep her from injury . The vet looked at Butthead 's teeth and said they aren 't disappearing , the gum is growing up over them . Nothing to do unless it bothers her and so far she hasn 't complained . Unfortunately , the vet is 90 minutes away , so it kind of takes up several hours just going , doing the appointment , and coming home . So Hub 's MLK day off was pretty well used it by that . I 'm glad Le Moo is doing well … she 's somewhere around eight years old , which is getting up there in big dog years . And ya 'll know I worry . We 're going to have to get her back to the vet to get her teeth cleaned ( she 's got bad teeth , yo ) , so we 'll be making that trip again in the next month or so . Yay . So Tuesday was my six month check - up with the gyn onc surgeon . Because of Hub 's status with his company ( they got bought out and are in transition ) , I didn 't want him to have to take a day off to accompany me to an appointment that would likely last less than 15 minutes . So I sent him on his way to work and girded myself for the hour ride to the onc 's office . Under normal circumstances , I would have been nervous but okay to make the trip on my own . I made the appointment for after rush hour and I plotted my route to go on the mostly un - used toll road to avoid further traffic . But … it rained . I knew it was predicted to be " light showers " so I told Hub I 'd be fine on my own . When I got on the road it was lightly showering . Ten minutes in , before I even reached the toll road , it was pouring . And I was sweating bullets , hands clutched on the steering wheel , talking myself into being OK . I don 't like driving in the rain and I hate driving on wet roads . I have been in a full 360 degree skid behind the wheel before and it 's not fun , so I try to avoid driving in weather . In addition , the toll road is 60mph , and the highway that I was supposed to be getting on at the other end is 60mph , with lots of traffic . So when I rolled onto the toll road , I basically planted myself three or four car lengths behind a dump truck and kept speed as comfortably as I could . Halfway along the toll road , the dump truck changed lanes and sped off . WTF . But I stayed steady and with the few cars on the road flying around me , I made it along the toll road . At the other end , I decided to exit early onto a main road that cuts through the city that I knew would have lots of traffic lights and lots of cars , but also slower moving . And I splashed my way along for half an hour until I got to my destination . It was a good thing I left early , and I made it with ten minutes to spare at the doctor 's office . The doctor was " only " 45 minutes late ( we 've actually waited for 2 hours for prior appointments ! ) , he spent less than 10 minLuckily for the trip home it had stopped raining but the roads were all wet . Even so , I made my way along the major highway back to the toll road , and then meandered along the toll road toward my exit . Unfortunately again , the exit ramp I have to take from the toll road to the highway home is a HUGE flyover , which I don 't even like to drive on DRY pavement . Instead I took the exit for the opposite direction which is a normal exit and I turned around at the first traffic light . And I headed home on more regularly traveled roads , which meant I was more comfortable even though the streets were still wet . In March I will go for my mammogram . It 's still hard for me to go to these appointments and to know when I get home that I don 't have my mother to talk to about what happened . I thought it would get easier , but so far it hasn 't . Tomorrow I go for a " consultation " to get my hair did . The salon I selected ( different from the one I used last year … partly because the stylist never answered my queries and now because I find out this new salon has more " organic " hair dye ) wants me to come in to meet the stylist and to let the stylist see my hair and confirm what I want done . If all is well , I go in early on Saturday to get all the colors . ALL THE COLORS . When I was younger I used to box dye my hair all the time , mostly variations on reds because I didn 't like my plain brown hair . At some point I became too ill physically to dye my hair so I stopped . Then I did it a few more times when I was feeling better , but it was a pain in the ass and everything got all stained ( including ME ) and I didn 't really love the results , so I stopped again . One year I went and got my hair all chopped off and then I had the salon dye my hair but … well , I wasn 't really keen on how it looked and it seemed like the color washed out pretty quickly and I didn 't want to waste my money . Only last year did I decide to get something done again and I wanted it to be a little funky to make my mother smile . I got a combo of auburn and violet done , but Mom never noticed and the final look wasn 't as pronounced as I had hoped . Over the past year I haven 't bothered to do anything except let my hair grow out . But after my breast MRI and my colonoscopy and my eye exam , and now my onc follow - up , I knew I wanted to do something fun to celebrate the positive news I 've been getting . I 've been stalking Instagram ( which I don 't use ) for different pictures of what I wanted and I am vacillating between something oil - slick color looking and something more jewel - toned , but there 's definitely gonna be blues and purples and maybe some teal and pink . We 'll see what the stylist says tomorrow . If I can get a picture of before and after , I 'll come back and post them . I 've also gone past my birthday . My father asked me three or four times if I wanted to go out to dinner for my birthday ( he called around lunchtime ) but I kept saying no . I felt bad because I know he likes to go out to dinner and I am sure he felt it was what he could do for me , but I didn 't want to go out . I stood my ground and I thanked him , but said I wanted to chill at home . Hub acquiesced and didn 't do anything special for dinner , but we were together so that was fine . The weather outside was crappy and icy so I was just as happy to stay inside and just BE . My aunt - who doesn 't do so good with the whole grief support thing - called and kept me on the phone for 45 minutes talking about stuff . Two of my three brothers emailed me to wish me happy birthday , and my very old dear friend did the same . But no call from my mom , which was the hardest part . Just knowing the whole day that she wouldn 't be calling and we wouldn 't be talking . It sucked . And now it 's over for another year . Friday I will literally be in therapy while the inauguration is going on . Like I had planned it that way . The rest of the day I will be avoiding all manner of television and radio and social media . Bleh . I am still in a pretty good amount of physical pain . The nausea is still around but it feels like less often , so that 's good . Sleep is still sucky . The imbalance is so - so . My jaw pain is still bad , though . Headaches are not quite as bad . I broke down and saw my massage therapist last week so she could work on the TMJ pain , which worked pretty well for about a day . Next week I go back to her for my regular body - work session . One day I 'm going to schedule a woo - woo relaxing massage with her because she 's damn good at it ( I had one shortly after my mother died as a gift to myself ) and I really want it . I wish my insurance covered that shit because it is physically helpfully to me just like physical therapy was , but it 's not covered . And it 's pretty expensive for an appointment … not that I think it 's overpriced . My massage therapist is a boss and hella good at her job … and she works fucking hard to help me . I can 't even imagine how hard it is on HER body to do the work she does ! I have no idea if she 's in line with other massage therapists , but I know she earns every damn dollar during our appointments . I just realized how long this was . I 'm gonna end it now . I should have broken this up into separate posts , but in my head it all felt related . Thanks for sticking with me . My mother 's birthday was a few days before the holidays . As one of my brothers said to me , " I 'm sure it 's not creeping up on you , either … " And it wasn 't . T thinks that a lot of my pain and anxiety were around the colonoscopy without my mother being there , and because of my mother 's birthday , and because of the holidays without her . Yeah , I knew her birthday was coming . I knew it was going to be bad . I also knew I had somewhat of a plan for the day . Before Mom got sick , when she was still crocheting , she hooked up a bunch of preemie hats for our local hospital 's NICU . At the time , it wasn 't a lot of hats , so we kept saying we were holding off before taking them in . After Mom passed , I took all of the small amounts of yarn I had and crocheted more tiny hats . Then I put them all into a bag and left them in my library . Because I knew what I wanted to do . On Mom 's birthday , I woke up and got dressed . And I called my father to see how he was . He said he was just going to call me because he was going to the cemetery and he wanted to know if I wanted to go . I didn 't really , but I didn 't want him to go alone . So instead of answering him directly , I said if he would take me up to the hospital to drop off the preemie hats , I would go with him to the cemetery . He said okay , so we left about ten minutes later . At the hospital - where my father 's sister ( my aunt ) was admitted and stayed for several days , and where my mother went for her lymphedema wraps - I left Dad in the parking lot and I went inside . At the main desk , they checked me in and directed me to the NICU . As I made my way down the hall , I saw someone walk into the elevator , so I hurried to join her so I could save some time waiting for another elevator . Inside , the woman standing across from me smiled , then looked at the bag in my arms and her smile got wider . She asked me if I was bringing hats to the NICU . I said yes , and her eyes seemed to sparkle . She was heading for the NICU herself … she had twin girls who had been born before Thanksgiving - when they were due after Christmas . I said congratulations and I hoped they were doing well , which she said they were . And she told me , " They brought me to see the girls for the first time , and there they were in hand - knitted hats , and it just made my heart skip a beat . That someone out there did that for me and for them , complete strangers ! " Her smile was so big . When the elevator doors opened , I walked with her down the hall and into the NICU waiting area . I wished her luck and she disappeared behind a door that the nurse unlocked for her . I approached the nurse , who was behind a glass windowed reception area , and I put my bag of 40 hats on the counter in between us . And I announced that I was there to drop off crocheted hats for the babies . In all sizes , all colors , all different types of yarns . The nurse smiled and took the bag , then started going through the hats . She oohed and ahhed over some of them , and even rubbed a few on her cheek and said how soft they were . She told me how wonderful if it was to have them , and wanted to know " how many women are there in your group that made these ? " I laughed and said it was just my mom and me . The sweet woman said , " oh my goodness , please give your mom a hug for me ! " I basically nodded and smiled , gave a wave , and left the unit for the safety of the hallway . It was hard . I tried not to cry as I made my way back through the hospital and out to the car where my father was waiting . Fortunately , he was busy navigating the parking lot and trying to figure out the best way to get to the cemetery , so our conversation was pretty sparse . When we were done and I was home , I cried . I cried because those were the last hats I had from her . I cried because I missed her . I cried because I hated where I was in my life without her . When my mom was going through chemo , I made her a bunch of hats for her to wear after she lost her hair . Years ago , probably six or seven years , before I was crocheting , she was supposed to crochet me an open - weave sweater to wear over a tank top . She never got to it , for various reasons . I don 't even know what happened to the yarn we picked out . She crocheted me a shawl for my brother 's wedding , and added crocheted sleeves to an evening gown for my cousin 's black - tie wedding . So I really have nothing I can wear that she made for me . I wish I did . The last thing she crocheted was a lap blanket that she was expecting to donate , but a few days after she died , I took it . I wrapped it up in tissue paper and put it into a plastic bag that a set of sheets came in , and I put it away in my guest room . It 's in a drawer in my grandparents ' dresser . It 's ugly as sin color - wise , but I can 't bear to part with it . I also have a ruffled ball that was supposed to be for a baby that was a test - project . It 's on a shelf in my bookcase hidden behind some doors with the perfume that I took from her bathroom drawers a few months after she died . I honored my mom as best I could on her birthday . My birthday is coming up soon . Hub usually cooks me a special dinner and he 's been asking me what I want to eat . I kept putting him off , because I honestly do not want to celebrate my birthday . I finally told him I didn 't want anything special on my birthday because I didn 't want to have my birthday . I don 't even want it to be acknowledged , because it 's just another reminder to me that she isn 't here with me . Last year she was in brain radiation on my birthday … she was just getting over the symptoms of the brain mets . We were dealing with the lawyer trying to get my parents ' trusts all finalized and stuff . Last year , five days before my birthday , I had to call an ambulance at 11pm for Hub because he had an episode of paroxysmal supraventricular tachycardia ( PSVT ) where his heart rate was sustained up around 225 or 250bpm . They had to stop his heart twice with medication to get it reset . We went to his follow - up appointment with his cardiologist on my birthday . Right now , I 'm in pain . My arms and back and neck and shoulders hurt . I have headaches on an almost daily basis for multiple hours at a time . My hips hurt when I try to sleep . I still have nausea . I still have jaw pain . I still have anxiety over the jaw pain , though it 's not as persistent as it was in the past few weeks . I 'm not sleeping much and I 'm not crocheting because I hurt too much . I 'm not overly religious , but I was raised with religion . I follow many of our traditions but I do not attend services every week . I did not grow up attending services every week . My life now as an adult is pretty close to my life growing up . My family 's traditions and habits stayed with me through the years to now . When my grandfather died , my mother started taking my grandmother to weekly services because my grandmother found comfort in the ritual . And I think it gave my mother special time with her mother . When my grandmother passed away , my mother continued attending weekly services because I think it became comfort to her . She generally attended the services with my father , who only went because she did . Sometimes she went alone , but that was pretty rare . I do not find comfort in weekly services , so I never got into that tradition . I found comfort in my family . That family is in chaos without my mother . I 'm angry at God for taking my mother away . I 'm angry at God for not giving me the ability to heal her . I 'm angry at God for leaving me with this emptiness , this pain , this loneliness . I 'm angry at God for putting my father through his own personal hell . I 've had previous tiffs with God . When I first got sick , I was so involved with being sick that I didn 't have time to think about God 's part in it . When I got sick again - more on top of the first illness - I was tired and I wanted to just give up . I didn 't think about why I was sick , only that I was . But as the years went on and my chronic pain and other chronic issues continued , I got mad at God . Why was He letting me be in pain all the time ? Why wasn 't He helping the doctors figure out what was wrong with me and how to help me ? Why did He give my grandfather leukemia ? Why did He let my grandfather suffer ? And why did He let my grandfather die at only 82 years old ? Why did He give my grandmother an eye disease that left her mostly blind ? And then the stroke ? And the dementia ? Why did He let her linger year after year , lost in her own mind , needing others to care for her physical body because she was no longer able ? My uncle , my aunt … on and on . Why the cancer released on my mother 's body ? Why did it have to be so aggressive ? Why so fast , so hard ? Why did it have to ruin her body and her mind at the end ? Why did He have to take her away from us ? I know a lot of people who find comfort in their faith . Some give all their problems to God and accept whatever the answer is . I don 't know how to do that . I don 't know how to get past the anger . I 'm not saying I spend my days raging at God , because I don 't . But there are days when I sure want to rage and scream and ask WHY WHY WHY . How do I have trust in God and in a universe that has stolen my mother from me ? I watch commercials and I 'm angry at kids with their mothers . When I 'm out in stores I silently scream at kids with their mothers , wanting them to relish their time together because it won 't last . I 'm jealous of Hub , who has his mother in his life . I 'm so pissed off that my brothers had my mother in their lives longer than I did . I know these are petty things and don 't change what happened , but they are more reasons why I question God and faith and religion . So many things in life I can attribute to decisions made by human beings . Why the election results ? Too many people made the wrong decision . Why are people being killed in our cities ? Too many people make wrong decisions , do bad things , trust the wrong people . Why did my mother get an aggressive and rare form of cancer that took her away from me too fast and too early ? I can 't blame that on a person or a decision . I can 't point to something and say , " oh that 's it ! that 's why she 's dead and I 'm living my life without her and my father is barely living a life at all … " Who else is there to look to ? Who else was there to make the choice to give her cancer and take her away other than God ? Is any of this rational ? Is anger at God rational ? Does God even care if I 'm angry at Him ? Does God even care at all ? Am I terrible for even asking these questions or feeling these feelings ? Hub often calls himself a heathen . He grew up with religion because his mother ( and then his step - father ) were religious . But he was very turned off as a youngster by the religious leaders in his community and he moved away from his religion . At this point I think he considers himself to be agnostic , though he deeply respects my feelings for my religion and traditions . These days I can more clearly understand his feelings , though not because of any religious leaders , but more because of my current predicament . Despite my mother 's faith in her religion for most of her life , I don 't really know how she came to grips with any of this during her illness . It wasn 't something we discussed , mostly because I 'm not sure she wanted to think about dying . At the end , I don 't know how much of her mind was still there , so I 'm not sure she had time to question her faith . Even when we were at the point that the cancer had spread and there was no other medical intervention available , I don 't really know that she knew that . None of us wanted to say that outright to her , and when she didn 't ask specifically , we kept the information to ourselves . In those final days when her mind was still with her , we didn 't talk about the fact that her death was imminent . I had a very very bad night last night . Even before I was ready to go to sleep , I was feeling uncomfortable . My hands and arms were tingling , or feeling like they were going to be tingling , and no amount of moving them or rubbing them or moving around made it better . Hub went off to sleep , with an early morning alarm to go to an on - site meeting that required a two hour commute ( each way ) . I sat up for a while because my right elbow started hurting . Then my left inner arm starting hurting . The tingling was still going on in both hands . I was so unhappy . I couldn 't lie down and get comfortable , so I kept sitting up in the dark ( I had turned the TV off by about midnight in the hopes that I could go to sleep ) . I was rubbing my hands and bending my elbow repeatedly . And I did the worst thing I could do . I thought I remembered that pain in your elbow was a symptom of a heart attack , so I looked it up . And it was … and I knew immediately I 'd made a mistake by confirming that , and I turned my phone off immediately . I tried again to go to sleep but now both arms were hurting , the elbow , all the tingling , and my body was getting weary from sitting up for so long . I hadn 't slept a wink . At one - thirty a . m . , I had a panic attack in my pitch black bedroom , with my husband snoring beside me . This panic attack in particular consisted of violent trembling of all my limbs . I knew what it was and I let it come because I had hoped it would tire me out and let me give in to sleep . Instead , all the symptoms I 'd had before the attack were still there … and I still couldn 't get comfortable enough to sleep . So I sat up for another hour or so and ended up with a second panic attack . Same violent trembling and fear , with all my pain symptoms still hanging on afterward . So I woke Hub up and told him I needed to call an ambulance , because I was feeling really poorly , I felt short of breath at that point , and all my other symptoms remained . While he got dressed and went to the bathroom , I pulled on some clothes and tried to get downstairs to wait for him . He called 911 , requested the ambulance , then called my father so he could take care of our dogs . It was about three thirty in the morning . I wish I could say the EMTs were kind and compassionate when they arrived , but they weren 't . The lead guy started asking me what was going on , and I told him . He immediately asked me if I had any history of anxiety … which I said I did , but that it was well - controlled most of the time . And that my symptoms had all come about prior to any feelings of anxiety . He told me to follow him to the ambulance - Hub helped me out through the garage while the EMT just walked off - and told me to get in through the side door ( again , Hub helped me up the steep steps ) . Inside the ambulance , the EMT hooked me up to the blood pressure cuff and oxygen finger thingy , then started asking me questions again . He kept telling me that my tingling and pain could be from anxiety , and I kept telling him the tingling and pain were PRIOR to me feeling anxiety . My vitals were pretty high , so he directed me to work on my labored breathing while he filled out some chart and told me he and his partner didn 't usually work our local area . As my vitals came down a little , he announced that maybe I wanted to just go back in the house and let them go back to the station . " We 're not in the habit of kidnapping people and taking them to the hospital if they don 't want to go … " I just stared at him . I was giving him information on " bilateral " arm pain , shortness of breath , tingling in both arms and hands … and he was telling me to go back to my house . I told him in no uncertain terms that I was very familiar with my anxiety and that this wasn 't anxiety … and that I wanted to go to the ER to find out what was going on . He kind of sighed and said , " okay , but you need to keep working on your breathing and anxiety so once the doctor sees you , they can evaluate you without the anxiety in the way . " Then during the ride to the ER , he asked me , " how many times have you done this ? gone to the ER in the ambulance ? " I said , " this is the first time . " All he said was , " Oh . " At the ER triage , he told the nurse FIRST that I had a history of anxiety . During his recitation of my history and presenting pain , he told her at least two more times that I had a " previous history of anxiety " . They took me to a room and told me to scoot from their gurney to the hospital room bed , then said , " the nurse will see you at some point . " and they left . Hub FINALLY found me a few minutes later , without any assistance from any of the nurses or the EMTs , who were all standing around chatting at the nurses ' desk . We sat in the room and waited for about half an hour ( or 45 minutes ? ) before the nurse and PA came in to see me at the same time . The PA started asking me questions about how I was feeling , then looked at the computer and said , " You have anxiety issues ? " I said yes , but that this was not the anxiety , that I have been managing my anxiety extremely well for quite some time - the PA looked at Hub as if she was expecting him to argue with me , but he confirmed what I was saying . So the PA said , " why don 't you let us get you started on some fluids and some anxiety medication ? " I said , " no , I don 't take medication for my anxiety . I manage it without medication . " The PA looked dumbfounded , and wanted to know what she was supposed to do . I told her that I was afraid the pain was symptomatic of a heart attack , and I wanted her to check to see if that 's what was going on … or if it was something else and WHAT the something else might be . The PA asked again about giving me anxiety meds , or something for the pain in my arms . I said I didn 't want pain meds ( which she told me would be anxiety medication anyway ) , that I had anxiety medication at home but that I didn 't take it . Again , I got a look from the PA that said she was sure I had lost my mind . At this point , the nurse stepped in and said , " oh , I do the same thing . I carry my klonipin with me all the time , but I haven 't used it in years . " The PA looked both confused and annoyed at that point . I told her I wanted to know what was going on , what the pain was and why was I feeling really poorly . So she said she 'd order the EKG , bloodwork , heart enzymes , and a chest and neck xray to see if there was anything going on there . She left the room , and seriously ? That was the last time I saw her . We were there for another two and a half hours and she never came back into the room . Neither did a doctor . The nurse took care of us , did the EKG and told Hub about thirty minutes later that an attending said it was normal . She did the blood draw and then told us about an hour later that the results were all clean . She took me to get the xray ( because their orderly was MIA ) and she was the one who came back to say the xray was fine and I could go home . In the time we were there , she was in and out of our room a lot , talking with us about her history of anxiety , and how people who had never dealt with it didn 't understand . That she knew what I was saying , and how I was feeling about the meds , and how she understood that I was identifying pain not associated with my anxiety . I felt so demoralized by the EMTs , the PA , and the other staff there ( not including the good nurse ) . I am very open and honest about my anxiety . I feel it 's important for medical personnel to know my history in full , which includes my anxiety . I 'm so disappointed that doing so in this instance gave the EMTs and the PA the reasoning ( in their minds ) to shove me aside , to not take me seriously , and to abandon my care . We were released from the hospital and got home around six forty - five in the morning . Hub had to bow out of his meetings , he retrieved the dogs from my father 's house , and we both went back to bed . I slept for about two hours , then dozed fitfully for a little while after that . When I woke up and went downstairs to have some lunch , I found that I still had all the same symptoms as the night before . The tingling comes and goes - and is in my legs and feet and sometimes in my face - my back is hurting , I 've had a headache on and off . I don 't know what 's going on . Hub reminded me today that fall is usually when I get a pretty bad flare of my myofascial pain syndrome . So is that what this is ? The pain is in different places and the tingling is new . Of course I know that my MPS symptoms have changed over the 15 years I 've had it , but this all feels different . I don 't know why I feel that way , but I do . Now … I 'm tired . I hope I will sleep . Hub is working from home tomorrow for most of the day , I have the massage therapist , then I 'll be alone for a bit while Hub is visiting a client . Well , the dogs will be with me and my father is nearby , but I 'll have to take care of the dogs and feed them and stuff on my own . Hopefully I 'll feel up to it . I saw T for my appointment on Friday and I pretty much cried through the whole thing . She tried to reassure me that what I 'm dealing with is grief , not a major depressive episode . It 's also combined with where I am in my life , which is kind of lost and stagnant . I 've been struggling with finding my purpose - or reclaiming it if that 's the case - and she thinks that is making me feel worse . I miss my mother . I miss her love and her support and her company . I am tired of being unhappy with who I am . I 'm tired of being unhappy with how I feel about myself . I cried for all of it . I cried on the way home , too . I felt weepy most of the day . Then again , I 've felt weepy pretty much all the time the last couple of weeks . When I woke up Friday morning , I found that our upstairs air conditioning had frozen over . Again . For the last three ( or four maybe ) years , the system has frozen over at least twice during the summer season . Initially , we were told finding a small leak was near to impossible , and we should just refill the refrigerant unless is became an on - going issue . When it became an on - going issue , they tried to find the leak but couldn 't . We 've been through several different HVAC companies , and no one could find a leak . We were told it was probably in the attic in the line that runs between the outside unit and the inside unit . The only way to " fix " that was to replace it entirely . Entirely $ $ $ $ . So the second time it froze over this season , we tried a " sealant " along with a dye , to try to trace the leak . No surprise based on our luck , the sealant didn 't work and Friday morning I saw the ice building up on the system again . Talk about wanting to cry . Not only does it mean more bullshit to deal with , but it also means no air conditioning on our bedroom level . And no a / c means no sleep . If I try to sleep on the main level where there IS a / c , I can 't get comfortable and therefore no sleep . The HVAC guy came back today ( that was three days with no a / c in our bedroom ) and told us that he found evidence of leaks in the unit inside the house . So now we have to scrape up money to pay for that repair … the part was barely under warranty ( somehow we got stuck with a crap warranty for five years instead of ten ) but labor is never under warranty . I had to go find some kind of proof of when the unit was purchased because basically we are at 4 years and 11 months . Stupid jerks . Now it 's a couple of days before the part is in and then we schedule for the work to be done . We 've been sleeping with the windows open at night , since the weather has cooled off somewhat . Unfortunately , that means my allergies get triggered . And the upstairs gets humid , because air movement is limited . We have NO cross - breeze possible in our bedroom . Boo . I have summer allergies and I have mold allergies . So no matter what , I 'm feeling it and now I feel like my bedroom is just coated in allergens from having the windows open . Ugh . I feel like I 'm a walking vat of injury and tears and pain . My stomach is giving me trouble . Not in the normal way , but in a spot of pain that is showing up in a weird place . It 's not an area I 've had pain in before … and I can 't identify what is causing it . I hate that . I 'm having some other uncomfortable pain in uncomfortable places that aren 't really proper to discuss with people . I 'm not sure why , but it 's just more to irritate me . There 's a spot on my back shoulder that 's getting rubbed by my bra , and even when I try to sleep it 's irritated . What 's wrong with me these days ? I 've known my body has been falling apart for years , but this is a whole new slew of stuff . Unfamiliar stuff . I 'm tired . I want to go to bed . The room is too hot for that during the day , even if I were to do it . In my head , I have written about five blogs . I compose them , I edit them , I reconsider what I want to say , I think about it some more … and then I don 't actually write them . They might still happen , but they might not . I have been dealing with more pain recently , which hasn 't improved my daily outlook . My husband had been dealing with work issues . My brother is just starting a ( contentious ) divorce . My father has been to and from some of his doctors to make sure he doesn 't have any kind of advancing dementia ( which he does not , thankfully ) . I am the ( supposed ) steady in the family . Despite my issues , my family still comes to me for support , reassurance , an ear … etc . No matter how I 'm feeling , I still seem to be the one they all gravitate toward . Even my few ( and far away ) friends seem to feel that way . I 've been dreaming about my mom . I had a long dream about her , then I thought I woke up ( and I really believe I was awake ) and I had a vision of my mom standing next to my bed looking down at me . It was so vivid and so real I could have reached out to touch her . But it was extremely upsetting for me because she was looking sickly , with her post - chemo peach - fuzzy kind of hair , and she said to me , " I 'm tired and aching … " I emailed T that very morning and although she helped me make sense of the dream , the vision still bothers me . I don 't know why she came to me that way , in that manner , and with that particular message . It 's been over a week and I still can 't get past it . I still hope to write the blogs that need to be written . I want to think that what I 'm dealing with is only grief , but I feel like I 'm having some mild depression . I don 't want to do much of anything . I do what needs to be done . I fake what that world expects to see . But in the end , I just feel sad . I know I feel overwhelmed , and so some of that might be the cause for feeling kind of shut down . Hub has been sick , on top of everything else , and my pain has been escalating . So that all makes for harder days and nights , especially since the pain interrupts my ability to get as much sleep as I normally do - which isn 't even that much . |
Days , Life , DreamsMy life , family , work , and everything inbetween . All posts tagged life lessons You are Too Young for a Girlfriend , Mister ! Sometimes while life is passing you by , you don 't notice how much your kids are growing until something happens to remind you of it . Me , trying my best not to laugh : Where did you hear about girlfriends ? ( And please don 't ask how the babies get out ! Or how you put them in ! ! Dear God , he 's only six ! ) Me : Oh , well maybe when you 're older you 'll get a girlfriend , okay ? Now finish your lunch . ( Whew , no more questions . Maybe he should stick to cartoons that don 't show marriage , relationships , dating … gee , that 's pretty much all of them . ) Sheesh , sometimes I wish it was as easy for humans as it is for dogs . I 've got my hands full with preparing him to be a good boyfriend and teaching him how to treat girls right , plus ensuring no babies are put into girlfriends tummies until he is old enough to handle the responsibility . And the girlfriend is in agreement . And he has his own place . And a job . Is 40 too old ? No More T . V . - For a While Today I did something my kids still can 't believe - I took away their daily t . v . time for an undetermined amount of time . Let me explain why . Logan and Lila have been getting more and more familiar with me . Anytime I ask either of them to do anything , they have a reason why they can 't obey , or an excuse , or an outright " no " . I find I 'm repeating myself too many times a day , trying to get them to obey . What 's worse , they will obey daddy wonderfully , will clean up their toys when he asks , come when he calls , etc . , well , most of the time . They even told me that they would only obey daddy . That got me mad and on more than one occasion , I had to get Glad to talk to them about needing to obey me too . We 've tried many different discipline methods , but the only thing they seem to respond to is loss of privileges , mainly t . v . and movies . We 've used this many times in the past , mostly to get a lesson to sink in , and it seems to work , at least for a while . During the time when they know they are missing their favorite shows , Logan will ask me why he 's missing it and we talk about what he needs to change to get to see them again . See , I asked them to do something they have to do every day : tidy up their bedroom . I got the dinner done early , since it is better to go out a little later when it is cooler , and they spent that time playing . Once I was done , I asked them to pick up the mess so we could go out . No response . I asked again . Told them we needed to go outside . Nothing . Then it started raining . Not too much , we still could have gone with raincoats , but by now they were both saying they didn 't want to clean up . No , they wouldn 't do it . Logan went as far as to tell me to never ask him to clean up again ! ! This stinker is not even 6 yet . That is something I expect from a teen , not him . I 'd had it at that point . Not just because they wouldn 't clean up this time , but because of all the times lately that they have not listened to me at all . I just said there would be no more daily t . v . time until they learn to obey me . That did it ! The tears ! No , we want to obey . Oh , really ? I 've heard that one before . I held my ground and left the room to wash dishes so as to not yell at them any more . We didn 't go out , they played around a bit , and cried more when they realized I was serious . Then daddy came home . Of course he had to hear the tale and of course he agreed with my decision . I actually heard them talking before he came , hoping he would say something different and change the punishment or drop it . Such stinkers ! In the end , Scarlett cleaned most of the mess , while Logan and Lila did a little . Then they sat for dinner with daddy and he talked to them about obeying me . Before bed , I again had to make it clear that it was up to them how long this t . v . ban would last . I know I 'll have to discuss it again tomorrow . And probably all of next week . I 'm actually curious to see how long it will take for them to get that I mean business . I know there won 't be an overnight change , since they are in the habit of not obeying the first time , ignoring me , arguing about having to obey , etc . It 's going to take me reminding them every time I ask them to do something and they don 't do it right away . I know this is going to be rough for me as well as them , but the hope is that in the end , they will be more obedient . Update : November 2 , 2013 - after one week I tried letting them have t . v . time back . Logan lost it again on the first day when he freaked out over Lila doing some small thing he didn 't like and biting her so hard he almost cut her skin . The girls aren 't into the t . v . as much as he is , so on those days when Logan wasn 't allowed it , I only put it on if they asked . Mostly they would just play and be happy on their own . After 2 weeks , Logan is doing much better . He is listening to me more , obeying more , and he has yet to bite again . I consider this a success . So yes , they are again allowed to watch their shows . Hopefully they will remember this one for a while . Rethinking My Writing Commitment - Doing it Right I can 't believe it 's been almost a month since my last post . So much for my commitment to write regularly . I 've just not been in the mood , nor did I have any ideas about what to write . I read a lot of other blogs , mostly mommy blogs . Each one is kept up in a way that is particular to the person writing it . And that 's a good thing . What 's bad is that I 've felt the need to be like those who post several times a week , who never miss a post , who can keep up with all the various memes and link up 's that are out there . I tried doing that back some time ago when I had 3 separate blogs , before they all got mixed together here on this one . My childcare / parenting one was a source of continual stress for me , which is why I eventually discontinued it . ( You can find the posts from that blog on my page Mommy to Mommy and on the tabs under that page . ) But why do I feel this need to follow the crowd ? My blog is my own and should be kept up for my own reasons , not anyone else 's . I think I just need to get back to the original reason why I began this blog : keeping my family up - to - date on the kids and our lives . If I write anything , it should be what I want to write , not what I think the mommy blogger community as a whole would like . Life has kept me busy lately and that is , I think , more important than trying to come up with the perfect blog post . I 'm doing better in some of my other commitments . I got more exercise this month . We are trying out new meal ideas . The house is cleaner because we finally hired a maid . The kids are learning . They love school time so much that they want it every day . By the time I have time to sit and blog , I 'm tired . I 've tried writing tired before . It doesn 't come out that great . So this reminder is more for myself - just write what you want and leave the rest unwritten . Don 't try to keep up with anyone . Stay true to your own commitments . These carts are very common here . Almost every street has one . While we have an iron at home , Glad will often take his work shirts to a cart like this and have them iron a stack for the week , to save him time in the morning . For a lot of poor families , the ironing cart is their livelihood . In order to make enough money to eat that day and buy the coal , they work all day . Many have their small children running around on the sidewalk and street while they work because there is no where else for the children to go . The family who work the cart next to our park is like that . They have two small children who I 'm guessing are under 3 years old . The mother often sends them inside the park to play , which is definitely safer than having them play on the street , but of course they have no oversight . About 2 weeks ago , the kids and I were at the park and the little boy was there . Everything was going great until he discovered a small plastic animal Logan had brought along but had left on the ground . I let him play with it , but when Logan and Lila found out that he had it , they wanted it back and he wouldn 't give it up . He raced to the low side wall where his mother was working on the other side , and cried as she forced him to give the toy back to Lila , who was standing there trying to explain . Had Logan been in a different frame of mind , I would have suggested that he let the boy keep it since he has so many at home . But Logan was very upset . These animals are his favorites and he can 't even stand his sisters taking them unless he is in a sharing mood . As we walked home , Logan kept talking about how naughty the boy was , how he shouldn 't take other peoples toys , etc . I explained to him that the boy wasn 't naughty , but was more likely bored . I told Logan that his family is poor and can 't afford toys ( I 've never seen the children with any ) and his parents have to work very hard just so they can eat . I then suggested that perhaps the kids could share some of the toys they never use with this boy and his sister . Logan freaked out at the idea so I dropped it . Two days later we were headed to the park again . I reminded my kids about the idea of giving theses kids some toys , and I assured Logan he would not have to give up his favorites . Lila was excited to give them something so together she and I found two toys that never got any use - a sturdy fire truck and a squeaky baby doll . As soon as we got to the park , Lila wanted to give them the toys so I let her run over to the wall to pass on the toys . The mother was very grateful for the toys and gave the truck to her son right away . Within minutes he was over at the playground , racing the truck over ever surface that he could . He piled rocks and sand for it , and Lila and Scarlett joined him . There are many poor people here in India , way too many for even the most generous person to help . I rarely give money to those begging , simply because once you do it , they want it every time you pass , and also it is hard to know who is for real and who isn 't . ( There are many who aren 't . ) But this situation was different . This is a family who works hard to make ends meet , but can only afford the most basic necessities . The children wear clothes that look like they 've come from a trash pile , so toys wouldn 't even be on the list of important things for them . Lila sure felt the joy of giving that day . She was so happy to give the toys and see how happy they made this family . As for me , it reminded me of how good it feels to give help when it is truly needed . It also helped me see that I need to talk about these things with my kids . They have grown up here . They see poor people all the time . They also know that they have pretty much anything they want , and it is hard for them to understand that not everyone can buy whatever they want at any time . This has led to more discussion on the topic of how not everyone is born into an equal station in life . Their main question is , " Why not ? " They don 't see rich or poor . They just see people . It can be hard to explain why some are poor and some are not , without getting into topics they are not ready for . For now , I will teach them to help whoever they can , whenever they can . Who is Really Stressing You Out ? Motherhood and stress - I find those words together a lot . Mothers all over the internet complain about how their children stress them out . We know that children are high - maintenance , and I 'd be lying if I said I never feel stressed . But the question is , is it really the children who are stressing you out ? Or are you allowing yourself to be stressed ? Yes , I said allowing . We have the power to decide whether or not to allow a situation to stress us out . We can either let the challenges of parenting get to us , or we can learn how to overcome them . We all know that exercise is a stress - buster , but most of us don 't do it , for whatever reason . We allow our own health to sit on the back burner while we tend to those around us . It might seem noble to put yourself last , but it isn 't good for you . Exercise is one of the best stress - relievers there is . If you can 't get away from your kids for it , do it with them . Dance in the living room , run at the park , go for a walk . Any exercise is better than none at all ! So make time in your schedule for exercise . When your children 's antics are getting you riled , stop and breathe . Just take a minute to compose yourself by taking a deep breath , closing your eyes , and letting it out slowly . Go ahead . Try it now and see how good it makes you feel . Look out the window at nature , or step outside for a minute and breathe , and tell yourself you can handle whatever is bothering you . I promise you will feel the stress melt away . Do something for yourself every day . Nap when your child does , read a book or your favorite blog , take a shower ( and don 't feel bad if it takes an extra cartoon or two ) . Put on some makeup or brush your hair . Get dressed . Do something that will help you feel more like a woman and not just a " mom " . I like to get up early for exercise , then take a shower and have my coffee before the kids get up . Thankfully my kids love to sleep late so early for me is up by 6 . If your child is an early riser ( or has to get up for school ) , see when else you can fit in time for you . Remember , they are just children . They are still selfish and self - absorbed . Everything is about them . Don 't take personally anything they say or do . With Logan , it was his premature birth and 10 day hospitalization . With Lila it was the time she drank turpentine at 2 years , 1 month old . Scarlett had yet to do something to freak me out severely ( other than running off in a bookstore and hiding when she was 18 months old ) , but that changed last week . Logan was already fussing when we got to the mall because we were only doing grocery shopping , and he wanted to go to the arcade and toy shop . He has no patience for shopping so he was running around , touching everything - every display , every shelf , every food item . He broke candy bars , crushed bags of chips and grabbed everything he could . Normally he is fairly obedient and can manage a trip to the store without too much wildness , but this day his hyperactive nature had taken over and it was all I could do to not yell at him right there . ( He has ADHD . ) He continued to be wild during lunch and rest time , and on into the afternoon . He was mean to the girls and kept making them cry . Any sort of punishment didn 't faze him at all . I finally decided to take the kids to the playground near our house , hoping that some outdoor play could burn some of his energy and tire him out . Yet he continued to be wild . Several times I had to pull him aside from his play as he was biting and pinching the other children . He even bit his own lip when he fell as he was racing up the slide . The whole time I was keeping half an eye on the girls as they climbed the jungle gym . They are both quite good at it , so , while I stay near them , I don 't have to be right there . At one point I had to go to Logan again , and I didn 't see Scarlett follow me , nor did I see her climb the straight metal slide ( not the ladder but the slide ) until she was at the top . It was almost like seeing something in slow motion . I saw her at the top of the slide . I saw her begin to turn , and then I knew she was going to fall . I was too far away to get there in time to catch her . I left Logan and forgot his naughtiness as I ran to my baby . The slide was about 6 feet at the highest point and she fell from the top , landing in the sand flat on her chest and tummy , hitting her lips hard on one side . Horror stories that I had heard of kids dying from falling off a slide filled my mind , and I struggled to push them away so I could focus on Scarlett . At first she cried while I carried her to a bench and tried to clean the sand off her face , but then she was quiet , scarily quiet . She just sat on my lap and looked at everything . I kept asking her questions but she wouldn 't answer . I managed to round up Logan and Lila , and we rushed home . All I could think of was getting her home , putting ice on her ever - swelling lips , and helping her recover from the shock she was in . She wouldn 't let me put ice on her lip , nor did she want me to get the sand out of her mouth , both of which made her cry . I was afraid she had some internal injury since she was so quiet . I called Glad , who was working on the other side of town , and told him what had happened . He asked some questions and then reassured me that she was probably fine but to keep an eye on her . I held her close and told her how sorry I was that I hadn 't been close enough to catch her . I couldn 't do anything but rock her . After about 30 minutes ( from the time she fell ) she began to move around . I put a video on for her and then went to my room to cry . The guilt I felt was massive . How had I not noticed her following me ? Why wasn 't I paying more attention ? Why hadn 't I been right there to catch her ? It was awful . Finally I realized I had some hungry kids on my hands so I forced myself to get up and cook dinner , even though I wasn 't very hungry and could hardly stand to look at food . Surprisingly , Scarlett ate a good dinner ! I thought she might just have some yogurt because she could hardly open her mouth , but she figured a way to slip the food in on the side that wasn 't sore . ( Fried chicken liver , French fries , and cucumber slices . ) Afterwards she was perky and climbing around , even jumping ! She was fine as I showered everyone and got them ready for bed . I let her lie in my bed and she went to sleep quickly . I kept her in bed with me all night . At one point she scared me by waking up and just sitting there and staring straight ahead . After what seemed like forever , she told me she wanted water and to get up , but it was only about 4 in the morning so I convinced her to go back to sleep . In the morning her lip looked scary . The top one on the right side was big and puffy , the bottom about half the size . Above , below , and on her lips were all the tiny scratches that had scabbed overnight . Scarlett herself was perky as ever , ate a good breakfast , had a normal bowel movement , and showed every sign of being ok internally . But just to be safe , Glad took her to the hospital for a checkup . I didn 't feel relief until they got home . The doctor had confirmed that she had no internal injury , and her lip was going to be just fine . The swelling went down rapidly over the next two days , so fast , in fact , that we could see a difference from one hour to the next . Now , exactly one week later , all the scabs are gone and there is no evidence that she had such a bad fall . Since that day I 've made sure to stay right next to her at the park whenever she is climbing . She is daring , like Lila , and will climb on most anything , so I can 't let her out of my sight . She may be a good climber , but she is still a toddler and doesn 't have as good balance as Lila does . I shudder every time I think back on that moment when she fell . I 'm thankful she fell from the 6 ' slide and not the higher spiral one that she so loves . I 'm thankful I wasn 't far when she fell , so I could pick her up right away . I 'm thankful she wasn 't seriously injured . And I 'm most thankful she is still here . Time has flown so fast . I feel like my childhood was only a few years ago and now I 'm mid - 30 's . How did that happen ? Where did all those years go ? There was a time when I couldn 't imagine reaching 16 . It seemed so old . Then once I was past 16 , 25 seemed ancient . I remember thinking my mom was so old when she was in her late 40 's . ( Sorry , mom . It 's true . ) But now that I 'm here , 35 feels so young . For a long time I felt like I had wasted my best years , my 20 's , by doing so little of nothing in particular . I spent time as a nanny and preschool teacher , but I didn 't feel that was my life 's calling . I traveled , trying to find a place where I felt like … I don 't really know . I wanted to belong , to live , not just endure . When I came to India 10 years ago , I wasn 't sure how long I 'd be here . I spent a lot of time working with kids . It wasn 't bad . I know I was helping them , teaching them , caring for them , etc . Deep down the thing I wanted most at that time was my own family . I spent almost 4 years here before I met Glad . At that time I was ready to leave the country , but now I 'm happy I stuck it out . Everything changed when I started having kids . The past 6 years have been a blur - pregnancies , newborns , toddlers , diapers , feeds , messes ; in short , insanity . But you know what ? Exhausting as it was , I loved it ! I finally felt like I had found what I was looking for . Now that my kids are getting older , I 'm realising that my best years have not been wasted ; they are just beginning ! The 20 's are about finding yourself , figuring out who you are and what you want out of life . I spent most of those years worrying that I would never find a husband or someone to love me . I never gave a thought to trying out a different line of work . I stuck with child care because I was good at it , but it wasn 't what I truly wanted to do . I 'm taking time now to figure out what I really want to do . I know I want to write . And I love to create with my hands - crafts and such . With our pending move to Canada , a whole new world is opening up for me . I feel more relaxed about the way my life is going now that I am in my 30 's . I force myself to stay positive , to stay away from worry or negative thoughts . I exercise , make time for myself , and feel like I am truly enjoying life . I can honestly say that right now , I am the happiest I 've ever been . I 'm happy with my life the way it is . While there are always improvements to make , I don 't stress over them . I 've always been the shy type , and I spent years trying to be outgoing , just because others told me I had to . I tried to will myself to change into an outgoing person , but the stress exhausted me . Now that I 've accepted myself as I am , and no longer listen to those who tell me I have to be someone else , I 'm happy . What do I want for my birthday ? Nothing really . There isn 't anything I need . My only desire is a happy , healthy family , and perhaps a solid nights sleep . April was a rather difficult month for me . Like I wrote about in this post , I struggled with unfounded fears , panic attacks , and mood swings . It isn 't easy to explain what I was feeling ' cause it was all so weird and abnormal . I 've never had such intense fears that I couldn 't explain , nor have I ever had a panic attack in my life . Do read the above - linked post so you can understand what I 'm talking about better . Once the problem got sorted out , I slowly began to feel more like myself . My moods have balanced out , the fears are gone ( though I confess a hint of them still hovers around the edges ) , and the panic attacks are gone . But my body has been through heavy struggles , so I found myself reducing or skipping my exercise this month . I also found myself eating more than I should , with the result that I didn 't lose as much weight as I did the previous two months . At the April check in I weighed 75 . 2 kgs . ( 165 . 4 lbs . ) . Now I weigh 74 . 8 kgs . ( 164 . 5 lbs . ) . I only lost 400 grams , not quite half a kilo , this whole month . But I 'm not viewing this as a failed month . No , I learned a little more about my body , how it reacts to being poisoned ( really , read this post if you didn 't yet ) , and I can see where I need to change my workout program . Now that I 'm feeling much better than I was , I 've started on a new workout plan , one that will help me improve my running . I was already running for 2 minutes at a time for 40 minutes , but it started getting too easy , to the point that is was no longer a challenge . So I was reading Women 's Health Magazine and found this plan that takes you from walking to being able to run for 30 minutes straight . I began on week four , since I was already doing 2 minutes at a time . Week four starts from 3 minutes , and moves you up to 8 minutes by the end of the week . Today I did the second running day which was 5 minutes at a time , and I was pleasantly surprised by how I was able to do it . There are specific toning workouts they include , but many require equipment that I don 't have , so I 'm sticking with my current toning workout , especially since I 'm still building into it . You can see how I plan to use this running plan on My Fitness Journey page . Our Healthy Diets - and Aspartame Over the past few months , I 've been doing my best to change the way we eat at home in order to improve our diets and make sure they are the most nutritious they can be . Since I found that I needed to change my own diet in order to lose weight , of course I wanted everyone to eat better . So I began to see how I could change my shopping list in order for this to happen . It was a slow process , changing one or two items at a time , eliminating the less healthy options and replacing them with healthier ones . For example , I switched jam for honey . At first I thought the kids would prefer the jam , but they don 't . They love honey and pick it all the time , so now I no longer buy jam . Though I was buying the healthiest jam I could find , it was still high in white sugar , so I 'm happy they love honey . I recently found a place that sells brown sugar so I was able to stop buying white sugar , too . I used to buy a lot of cookies and other snacks ( that I mostly ate ) , but now I 've replaced them with more fruit . Good thing my kids are fruit lovers . They will eat it any time . Their preferred snacks are peanuts , raisins , dates , plain crackers ( whole grain ones ) , chikki ( a treat made from peanuts or sesame seeds and jaggery ) , granola , and of course , fruit . While I used to buy certain items because they made meal prep easier with small kids , now that my kids are older I do make some other things since it is healthier , and often cheaper , than buying them already made . For example , I began making peanut butter this week to cut the cost of what we were spending on it . Logan loves peanut butter and will eat it every day if I let him . But the one I was getting kept going up in price and for one small jar of 460 gr . I was paying the same as for a kilo of chicken . It was way too much . I found that I could buy 1 / 2 a kilo of plain peanuts for less than half of what I was spending on peanut butter , and it only took me about 10 minutes to whip it up in my blender . I have one of those blender sets that comes with different cups and blades , and one is specially for grinding . I just put half the peanuts in with a little salt , then slowly worked the blender until it came to a spreadable consistency . It is lighter than the store bought stuff and not sweet , but the kids eat it with honey anyway so why keep buying something that has extra sugar and is breaking the bank when I can make it for less than half the price , and it is healthier to boot ! Learning to like veggies is a little harder since they are not sweet like fruit , but my kids are slowly progressing . Logan was stuck on only having carrot sticks for a long time . They had to be raw ( he never ate them cooked ) and the only other veggie he sometimes had was cucumber . He is slowly coming around and is trying new things here and there . He now claims to like lettuce , and wants to eat green veggies in order to turn into the Hulk . ( Who says superheroes can 't do anything for kids ? ) Lila and Scarlett will try more veggies . Lila loves most raw veggies that I serve , including spinach , but tends to pick out cooked ones . Oh , the other day I made a carrot and cabbage coleslaw , with the cabbage being finely grated instead of chopped . Logan only saw the carrots and raisins , and claimed he loved it . Big win ! Despite making all the above - mentioned changes , along with getting more exercise , I was still not feeling as good as I should have been . I really can 't explain exactly how I was feeling , but it was a general " could there be something wrong with me " feeling . At the end of each day I felt blah . I would feel better in the morning but by evening I felt weird again . To top it off , I began having fears I 'd never had before , fears of instant death , fears of leaving the house , leaving my kids , being alone in the house when Glad was gone , constant thoughts of " you 're going to die right now " , etc . It was really weird . Then one night I had something happen that had never happened before - I had a panic attack . I tried to go to bed , but every time I laid down I was sure that was it for me , that I was going to stop breathing . I kept getting up and lying back down , and each time I laid down it would hit me again . I prayed hard and the feeling finally went away . It continued to happen several times after that . I never knew when it would hit , and I couldn 't figure out what could be the cause . I was beginning to wonder if I was seriously sick or something . I spent a lot of time praying just to get rid of the fear and it helped some but not completely . I also found myself getting upset with the kids more easily , losing my temper and yelling , screaming really , at them for minor things , which was really odd . I 've never been one to get upset so easily over such small things . Then I remembered the gum I was using . I like to have some when running to keep my mouth moist , plus I would have one when out with the kids , or at the park , etc . I was chewing two to three pieces of this sugar - free gum daily . So I checked it and , sure enough , the sweetener was Aspartame . I had used this gum for months but was only recently hit with these odd things , so my guess is that it took time to build to danger levels in my body since I wasn 't getting it any other way . I stopped using it immediately , and now , roughly 10 days since my last piece , I feel better . I can 't prove 100 % that the Aspartame was the culprit , but I can say that I am beginning to feel like myself again . The fears are slowly going , since they kind of got stuck in my mind , but now I find it easier to fight them off . I am also no longer having panic attacks . And yes , I 'm not yelling at the kids like I was . I am now becoming a label - reader in the store . I check the ingredients listed in any new item I pick up to be sure there is no artificial sweetener of any kind . I buy very few pre - packaged items these days , so it isn 't too hard to avoid . It 's so sad , though , that the general public is subjected to these types of dangerous food ingredients , all for the sake of skimping on calories . Life Lessons Can Be Found Anywhere Last Sunday , Glad took the kids to a sports park that is not far from home . It has tennis courts , basketball courts , a roller rink , a path circling the entire park for walking , and lots of grass to run in . We have been there many times before but this time , Logan had a request . Ever since he saw Twice Upon A Christmas and watched Minnie Mouse and Daisy Duck skate with ease , Logan has wanted to skate . In his mind it was effortless fun , and after watching the more experienced children zip around the rink , Logan asked to learn to skate . Of course , Lila asked to learn too . She loves skating and was happy to get skates for her last birthday , but has not learned to use them properly . After some thought , Glad decided we should go for it . The next day , we met at the park and signed the kids up for the class . They provided a basic kit for each of them - skates that attach to your shoes , elbow and knee pads , hand guards , and a soft helmet . Once dressed , they both got in line for their first class . Logan immediately realized that skating wasn 't as easy as he had imagined . He wanted to go fast like the other kids and was upset to find he couldn 't . Logan has balance issues and trips easily , so our hope is that learning to skate will help improve his balance . But more than that , Logan needs to learn perseverance . After the first lesson , he didn 't want to go back . The next day when I took them for their second class , Logan cried to whole time . He refused to join his group or even try to walk on the skates , which is what the other beginners were doing . It was one of those embarrassing moments in a parents ' life - your child is throwing a fit and you are just praying to keep your composure and at the same time not give in to the tantrum . Since they were just starting out , I had promised them a small treat for doing a good job , but since Logan made such a fuss , he missed his treat and his video time . He didn 't even seem to care that Lila got a treat . The next day ( day 3 of classes ) we discussed why he wasn 't yet able to skate fast or backwards like he wanted to . I told him it would take time and effort on his part and that he couldn 't just quit . This isn 't the first time we 've had this kind of discussion . I also told him that if he threw another fit at class , he would miss our special outing to the mall . I needed to do something to get him to stop saying he couldn 't do it and agree to at least try . Just before the class started , I asked him what would happen if he threw a fit again . He said he 'd miss his treat , video , and mall outing . 🙂 Kids can be so much harder on themselves than we are . Anyway , he did great . Not only did he make good effort , he was happy and smiling the whole time , and he did get a treat this time , plus of course the promised mall outing . We used the outing to take a break from skating class , since classes are on daily but they only need to come as often as we want them to . Getting Logan to persevere at something has never been easy . It takes loads of persuasion , encouragement , discussion , and simply saying " You can do it . " Once he learns how to do whatever it is , then he 's fine , but until he learns it , he wears me out with how hard he has convinced himself that he can 't do it . It isn 't a new lesson , but perseverance is an important one . Sometimes I don 't have the patience to teach him something , like buttoning his shirt . I did it for him forever until daddy asked why . With some effort on daddy 's part , Logan learned to do buttons himself . I 'd probably still be doing them for him if daddy hadn 't pushed him . I pushed him with learning to write , among other things , but I foresee this will be a lifelong lesson for Logan . He wants to quit kindergarten now , so I encourage him by telling him the school year is almost over and that he will get a long break . ( School lets out in April here . ) |
Today was a much better day , as far as Jason 's physical condition is concerned . He felt better and was up and ready to go kind of early . He had formation at 07 : 30 , so we had to get over to the Naval Base early . When we got there most of the guys were still getting their stuff together and all were getting organized , and it felt pretty much like a " normal " kind of day . After formation we got a chance to chat with SSGT Lacey , as we hadn 't seen her in several months . Apparently she has been injured and is now a Wounded Warrior just like the others . Only her 's is from a motorcycle accident , where this guy kind of ran into her with his truck , while she was sitting at a stop light . Fortunately , the injuries are much less than what they could have been , but that 's easy for me to say . . . she is still requiring some surgery and rehab on her shoulder . Once Jason and I had all the little things done at the hospital , and headed back to the house , I went up to Los Angeles to pick up my bike . Jason was all set in his bed ; he had a few hours worth of work to get done ; and , should there be a need , he had video games available for him to play . I had originally planned to coming back later in the day , so I made sure he wasn 't going to be needing anything in the way of food or drink , and it looks like all went well . When I came back from David 's house ( more on that later ) Jason wanted to take a shower , and get the dressings changed . That was okay by me , as it was late enough that I was getting tired , but not too late that it couldn 't be done . When I made it to Los Angeles , and to David and Miriam 's house , it was about 13 : 15 ( 1 : 15pm ) , just like I said it would be , when I got there . I felt pretty good being able to call it that close . I had a great time with the grand kids , both Dylan and Ethan were up and having a great time . Dylan was particularly energetic today , and very happy to see me . He and I played with his bubble wand , and went for a walk , and then played with a bunch of his blocks and toys , in the house . Ethan wasn 't really sure what to do about me . I think it was the first time that he has seen me , and able to determine that I am someone different from mommy and daddy . As a result he was a little standoffish . I still had some fun with him , but Miriam had to be involved with just about all aspects . Like I said , I had originally planned on coming back a little later in the day , and staying up and having dinner with the family , but something told me to get back down to make sure Jason was okay . I got back to the house and Jason was fine , so it was just me being a little overly cautious . He did want to take a shower , and if I had not come back when I did it might not have happened . Tomorrow we have appointments and things to do , so it is going to be an early and busy day for us . Thank you , all for continuing all the prayers and support being sent our way . Take care and stay positive . Well , first , apologies for not updating yesterday , but we didn 't get home until late yesterday , and then I had to go out again to pick up the paramobile . Fortunately the United crew were willing to just hang out until I came back with the truck and they lifted it up and put it in the back of the truck . All - in - all , United Air Lines went way out of their way to make this trip back to San Diego spectacular . The trip up to Livermore had some bumps and some difficulties associated with it . For example , they " lost " the paragolfer for a short while , once we landed at SFO . As it turned out , it was simply a break down in communications , and they really never lost it , just that for some reason they took their time in getting it out to the baggage area . Once we had the unit back up on the truck we were running smoothly again . When we left San Diego we were escorted up to , and through security , where we were allowed to move up to the front and brought through quickly . When we came back down , from SFO we again were escorted through a TSA security area , only this one was a bit more isolated , and it felt like it was probably where some of the " special " passengers got to go . Of course , Jason and I were beginning to feel very special by the time we had gotten this far . When we first arrived at the airport , all the players were there waiting for us . One person in particular , LeeAnn ( probably spelling her name wrong ) from the USO was coordinating everything , or at least it seemed that way . I brought the paragolfer over to a special gate where they picked it up and had TSA do an inspection of it right there . I assisted where I needed to , and it all went very smoothly . They had some questions and I answered them as best I could , then we went into the terminal . When we went into the terminal we were escorted through a different area , where I had not ever seen before , and it didn 't have too many people there anyway . Like I said , Jason and I were beginning to feel like celebrities , or dignitaries or something . A really cool part of it was that Linda was able to come along with us , and we had lots of assistance getting through security . Even one of the TSA agents stayed with us for most of the way to the gate . When we got through to about where the gate was , we found out that we were very early , so we were allowed to head over the United lounge area where Jason could get out of the chair and just lay back and be more comfortable . Again , Linda was with us the entire time . We enjoyed some drinks and snacks and then when the time was right we moved on to the gate . Actually , we hadn 't known what our gate was up to that point , so we only had an ' idea ' where we were going . We go to the airplane and I helped Jason get to his seat and this time the seats were actually a little bigger . I was still able to get the belt around it , but it was just barely able to fit . Again , they allowed Linda to come down the ramp to the plane , so she could say good bye to us , and that was probably the toughest part of the entire trip . She didn 't want us to go , and we really didn 't want to leave her behind , but it is what we had to do , and then we were off . We landed at San Diego and again waited for everyone to get off the plane before we could get off . It was actually kind of funny with the way the crew was wanting to help us , and they were almost tripping over each other , but we managed to get off the plane okay , and then all our baggage was simply waiting there for us . The Marines brought one of their buses and we could get Jason 's power chair on the bus , but no the paragolfer , so that is why I had to come back with the truck to pick it up . Stephanie S . , one of the supervisors there , made sure we had help getting the machine on the truck . Today , started off a little rough , as Jason apparently miscalculated the number of pain meds he was going to need , and ran out before we came back . This morning it was really beginning to have an impact on how well he was feeling , as well as how well he was able to sleep last night . He was able to call in and get the Rx called in for him and then I took off to go pick them up . Once I had the meds back to him it took about two hours for him to start feeling a little better , so he decided to take a shower . He then said he was hungry and then once he had something to eat he really fell asleep and has slept most of the day . I was able to do some cleaning around the house , and got some things put away , then I just kicked back and had a very nice relaxing day . Tomorrow we step into the routine again , and then we 'll be moving forward again . I 've had a couple of conversations with some of the doctors , and they would like to have a conference call with Jason , when he is up to it , so I 'll do my best to get that done tomorrow . I am feeling positive about the future , and about the treatments for Jason , so all I can do is ask that you continue to pray for us , and thank you for all the prayer and support you have been sending . Take care and stay positive . Congressman Eric Swalwell , a representative from the state legislature , the Mayor of Livermore , John Marchand , and still many others . There were representatives from VFW organizations and other Veterans groups , as well as several support groups , and finally Warriors Watch Riders . It all started at the First Street Ale House , in Livermore , and the Watch Riders escorted us over to the VFW Hall . There were so many people there , all wanting to say hello to Jason , and I was going around the hall speaking with friends that we didn 't get a chance to eat any of the food . I will be needing to pack up all our stuff , and fortunately we have enough room to take home all the gifts that Jason was given , including the framed documents from all the different groups and organizations , and elected officials . We need to be ready to head out of here shortly after 15 : 00 ( 3 : 00pm ) , so that we can get to the airport early enough to insure the safety of the medical equipment ( aka - paramobile ) . I was contacted by the USO , as they will be escorting us once we get to the airport , and they will take us to the gate , even after going through security . Linda will be able to come along to the gate with us as well so it looks like everything is in place now . It will be good to get back to a solid network , so that I can make these posts with out the frustration of the network dropping every few minutes . Not sure what has been going on at the hotel , but they need to get that fixed . Thank you , for all your support - especially like what was shown today - and for all the prayers being sent our way . Take care and stay positive . Today was a nice day for Jason , as it started out slow and he was able to rest most of the day . We did go out and did a little shopping ( I needed a new belt ) , and it was a good way to let Gracie go for a walk . The one funny thing that happened was that as we walked up to one shop there was a large horse statue in front of the store ( for locals , it was Baughman 's in Livermore ) . Gracie wanted nothing to do with this strange creature that stood as tall as me , and was four times my size . It took a while to coax her up to the statue , and she finally accepted the fact that it wasn 't alive . Jason showed great patience in getting her to walk up to it and smell it . After the shopping we went to breakfast at the Rail Road Cafe ' . The food there is really good and we met up with a couple of friends , Charles and his daughter Natalee . Natalee presented Jason with a little gift she put together , from the ball game , a photo collage , then the folks at the restaurant comped his breakfast . We were only out for a matter of about an hour and a half , and then we headed back to the hotel where Jason remained in bed until we were to head out for dinner . He was really looking forward to going to La Milpa , and so was I . When we got there we were greeted by Martha , the owner and Ramon , her son . They sat us down and the food was excellent , as usual . Then they surprised us by comping the meals and making the day even that much better . Tomorrow is another big event , where Jason is going to be the guest of honor at a celebration reception , and we are expecting as many people as were at the baseball game , and maybe even more . In fact , if you 're reading this blog , and you 're in the area , please consider stopping by . It will be at the VFW on 5th and L Street , at 15 : 00 ( 3 : 00pm ) . We are kind of glad that this is finally happening , and yet also sad as it means that we will be leaving soon , and headed back to San Diego . For me the issue is that it means Linda and I will be apart again , and we 'll once again be working to figure out how we can get time together . Yet on the positive side , it will be a solid focus on Jason 's recovery and getting to those next steps of finally getting to the point of his independence . Compared to yesterday , today was amazingly low key . Linda and I got the opportunity to spend some time together , away from the hotel ; Grandma and Grandpa were able to spend time with Jason , in case he needed anything ( which he didn 't ) ; and , later in the day Matt Ferea , a childhood and scouting buddy of Jason 's came over and spent a few hours visiting with him . Matt and Jason climbed Mt . Fuji ( Japan ) back in 1996 , as Boy Scouts , and have great memories about that adventure . All - in - all , a very nice and relaxed day . We got some things done , and were able to enjoy the slower pace while still being productive , Linda even did some laundry for Jason and I . I was able to see a couple of our neighbors and spend a little time visiting with them , and seeing how they were doing . There was a great deal of feedback on the news casts of the Granada ball game , and as expected , Granada did win ( 17 in a row ) . One of the folks I ran into yesterday told me that Granada was the number 2 high school baseball team in the nation , and considering that it came from Mike leads me to believe that it is true . We had a nice quiet dinner and then watched a " home movie " of sorts , and then that was pretty much the end of the day . Tomorrow is going to be another relaxed day , and that is a good thing because I want Jason to spend as much time as he can off of his wounds . Tomorrow evening we are planning to have dinner at Jason 's favorite ( ours too ) Mexican restaurants , La Milpa , located in Milpitas where we lived before moving to Livermore , 25 + years ago . It will be pretty much just family , so we will try to keep the noise level down to a dull roar . Thank you , for all your continued prayers and support - Take care and stay positive . Today was a big day for Jason , as the baseball game , between Granada High and Livermore High was being played . Both he and Chris were on hand for the " first pitch " and both of them did an outstanding job . Unfortunately we were unable to stay for the entire game , I thought it was starting to develop into a nice game , with neither of the teams dominating , yet playing their hearts out . Because we left early I don 't know for sure who won , but I believe Granada was leading 5 - 0 going into the sixth , and Granada had a 16 - 0 record for the season ( it might be 17 - 0 now ) . There were many , many people there and news crews from KTVU , KGO , and KCBS , as well as reporters from the San Francisco Chronicle , the Independence , and probably others that I didn 't see . I saw people there I hadn 't seen in over a year , some in over two years , while some that I hadn 't seen in only a few months . When I was being interviewed I did my best to be consistent in my answers , so that I didn 't look too foolish from one channel to the next , and I did my best to put a plug in for the Stars for Heros and Stand - Up - And - Play , since there was a big focus on those two charitable groups today . Getting over to the ball game was almost as exciting as being there . We left the hotel at about 14 : 30 ( 2 : 30 ) and were escorted by the Warrior 's Watch Riders and got to the school about 20 minutes later . We got the paramobile out of the truck with no problem and then went to get Jason into the unit and found that I had forgotten the chest belt . David ( Jason 's older brother ) drove back to the hotel and found it and brought it back . Fortunately we got everything done just in time to get Jason on to the filed for the beginning ceremony . Jason threw out the first pitch and was then presented with a few gifts and commemorative things like a baseball signed by the players and a Granada baseball cap - though I think they gave him the cap before it actually got started . All - in - all it was great to see it all there and to be a part of this experience . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers , take care and stay positive . Jason had a very busy day today , with the morning starting out relatively slowly , and relaxed , and then as the day got going we started getting visitors . We saw Bill Buchanan and then Bill Nebo from church , and then just prior to the Granada High School 's baseball team 's arrival Marilyn Carter came by , and she and Linda did some decorating of Jason 's room . The team came in and the coaches were all there , and they spent a great deal of time with Jason . Along with all this , there were several people from veterans groups and other support organizations , that are just too numerous to mention right now . That 's because its late and I need to get up early tomorrow . I do apologize for not putting all your names in here , though we do appreciate all that you have done for us . On top of all that Jason enjoyed the company . Also visiting was a dear friend , Geetha , whom we hadn 't seen in several years , and it was good to see her again . We had dinner with Karen , Mike , Monica and Ross and the meal was excellent . Karen had promised to fix me corned beef when Jason and I came back to Livermore , and sure enough she did ( by the way , the " We " is Jason , Linda , George and George III ) . I got to watch the Giants game , and it was pretty exciting towards the end , where they tied it up , then something went wrong , mistakes were made and the Giants lost the game in the 11th inning . That 's okay , they can win tomorrow . Thank you for all your support and continued prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a relaxed day , and Jason spent almost the entire day laying back in the bed . He did take the time out to shower and I did a dressing change on him , and that was all good . He also took Gracie out early in the morning , as dogs need to get out some times . . . ; - ) The dressing change was a major impact on the decision on staying down . The day prior ( the day of travel ) he was up for several hours and the effects of that where visible on his wounds . I asked him to take the rest of the day off , and a good part of tomorrow too . We want him to feel good on Wednesday , and I think Jason is fully aware of the importance of taking care of himself . Meals were pretty simple today - Breakfast was here at the hotel which is included with our stay . Jason and I had waffles ; lunch was from Linda , where she fixed sandwiches and fruit ; and , then dinner was a wonderful meal prepared by Karen and Mike , that they brought over while Jason was showering , so they didn 't even get a chance to talk with him . That 's okay , we 'll get another chance tomorrow ; we plan to have dinner with them at their home . Gracie was up and out early , as Jason took her out for a short walk , and bio - break ; later in the day I took Gracie out , but that was mostly so Jason could remain comfortable in bed . Tomorrow we are expecting a visit from the Granada High School baseball team , and probably a number of other folks who want to come by for a visit . I don 't think it will be too much of an issue for Jason , and then he will again do a dressing change , and I 'll get to do another assessment of how he is doing . He has a very good history of bouncing back , so I am expecting the same this time . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support and take care and stay positive . Today I am writing this blog from Livermore , CA ! Jason 's home town . Yep , we finally made it back home , though it is only going to be for a week . That 's okay though , because we intend to enjoy our time here , as much as we can . The trip down was uneventful , even if getting on to the plane had a number of challenges . As well , there were a number of challenges getting off the plane . Most of those having to do with the paramobile and how the folks at United handled the challenge . Typically , they don 't have to deal with a passenger who has such serious injuries , so that put them on edge to begin with . Then Jason is bringing along a device ( certified medical device - class 3 wheelchair ) that most of them have never seen before . It took about a half an hour to instruct them on how it was to be loaded , and thank goodness Anthony Netto was there to help . Finally it was accomplished and I was given my claim stub to allow me to collect it when we arrived in SFO . We were escorted all the way to the gate by one of the airport volunteers and she was not only a God send but also very efficient at getting us to where we needed to be . We were the first to get on to the plane , and Jason rode his power chair right up to the door of the plane and I carried him in the rest of the way . It wasn 't too bad , and since no one else was there it went very smoothly . The flight crew of United were very helpful and responsive and helped to make the trip that much more enjoyable . The funny thing is , when we first found out about Jason 's injuries we flew United back to Maryland . Here it is , 777 days later ( yep , that 's how long ago it happened ) and were on United again . We landed at SFO , right on time and we had to wait for everyone to get off first , then they brought the power chair right up to the door and I carried Jason back out to it . We again had some assistance from the United flight crew and all went well . Then we went to go get our luggage . Well , actually first we were greeted by a throng of people all standing at the gate , waving signs and U . S . Flags , and they were all cheering and clapping . I think it embarrassed just a little , especially sine people kept clapping as we moved along . I guess they got special permission to meet us at the gate because they sure weren 't passengers . We finally made it back out to where we were to get the luggage and guess what , there was another throng of people cheering and clapping and this time it was even bigger . Linda was waiting for us this time ( she had forgotten her I . D . so she wasn 't able to make the first greeting ) . We went to get our luggage , and the paramobile . The luggage was there but the paramobile was no where to be found . They didn 't know what it was , nor where it was . Fortunately I still had my claim stub and the lady sitting behind the counter used it to find out that it had not been scanned when it left San Diego , and because of that it might not even be here . Well , long story short , they found the machine and were able to finally get it to us and we got it back out , and into a truck . The Warriro 's Riders were there to escort us all the way back to Livermore , and there must have been close to 50 Harleys , many of them with flags , riding in front of and behind us . We looked like something very special and whenever other drivers were able to pass us they would do there best to see just who we were . It was fun and then we arrived at the hotel . There were probably another 100 people waiving flags and cheering as we rolled in . It was an amazing site . There were representatives from all sorts of groups and organizations , including the local fire department . I had no idea there were going to be that many people . We took our time in getting into the hotel , and thanked a bunch of the folks for coming , but obviously we were not able to thank everyone . Jason needed to get back down and I wanted to get him into the room . We have a great week ahead of us , and I plan for both Jason and I to get some extra rest this week , despite all the activities that are planned . Thank you , all so very much for all your prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . What an amazing day today was . Jason didn 't get out of bed except for taking a shower , and then when we went to the USO Event tonight . I did laundry , and cleaned up around the place and played on the computer for a little while , even had time to participate in a conference call with the San Francisco Bay Area Chapter of PMI ( I 'm on the board ) . I took Gracie out a few times and she is definitely becoming comfortable with both Jason and I . She even went to the event with us , as it was a dinner event . I have all the medical supplies packed up , and will pack up the rest of Jason 's stuff tomorrow , after he showers . I then have to pack up my stuff , but that won 't take too long . The weather has been great these past few days , and we 're quite happy about that , except that I really do need to remember to put sun block on , before I leave the house . I expect to have a good tan by the end of the summer , early fall , but then I don 't tan much anyway . We 're looking forward to tomorrow 's trip and so I 'm going to be signing off here , so I can get some sleep . I will continue to update the blog on a daily basis while in Livermore , so stay tuned for more exciting adventures . . . and Linda has said she will read them before I post , so there won 't be as many type - o 's ( I hope ) . Thank you , for all your continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . Today was one of those milestone kind of days with Jason , as he acquired a service dog . She is a German Shepard and 2 years old . Fully trained and used to various commands . The situation was that she was working with another wounded warrior and that guy decided that the dog was not helping him with what he wanted to do . The guy was not in a wheelchair and was able to get around just fine , and the dog was simply a companion dog so with Jason being in a wheelchair it presents a small challenge for the dog to learn how to be around a wheelchair . So far it looks pretty good and I think in a matter of a few days she will have a routine down that compliments Jason 's movements . Now it sounds like I am talking about current situation , and that 's because I am . The dog came into the picture today , and will be traveling with us on Sunday to Livermore . I was a bit concerned about introducing another aspect into all of what has been going on , but apparently it isn 't as big an issue as I thought . The dog comes with certifications and documents , and will be allowed on the plane with Jason and I . ( I am intentionally not putting in the dog 's name , as I don 't want people to just come up to it and call its name - at least not yet ) . Jason seems very happy to have the dog , and the dog 's personality seems to be very well suited for this kind of work . Jason and I had lunch today with the girls , and we had a great time . I was allowed to go over and get Jackie from her room and brought her into Stacy 's so that all four of us could sit together . At first Jackie didn 't quite understand what was going on , but then figured it out and since she was now sitting on my lap decided to eat from my lunch plate . It was actually kind of cute how she was able to dig right in , and really didn 't make too much of a mess . Later this evening we did have to say good bye to the girls , as their stay with us was over . We will get to see them tomorrow since Stacy has a soccer game and Jason wants to see it . I 'll have to do our packing tomorrow , after the game , but it shouldn 't be too difficult . As for the logistics of the travel and support Jason will be needing , I think it is all in place , and we 're going to have a great time . There are so many people helping us get to Livermore it is amazing . I am truly humbled by all the focus and help being sent our way . I just hope we live up to all expectations . Thank you , for all your continued support and for all the prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a very nice day that began with getting the girls up and ready for day care , and then fixing them their breakfast . They both love Cheerios , and so it is easy to get them to stay focused on having their breakfast . We dropped them off at the Child Development Center ( CDC ) and then took off to take care of our errands and appointments . We came back to their respective class rooms , just as the nap times were ending , and picked up the girls . Tomorrow we 're going to attempt to get to their class rooms a little earlier as there is an invitation to have the parents come in and have lunch with the kids . Jason is hoping that his schedule is going to be able to accommodate . Once we got the girls back home we got them ready to head over to Anthony Netto 's place , to have a BBQ and then get to fly a kite . As it turned out Jason bought to " kits " for building kites , and found that one of the kits was missing parts . We ended up with just one kite , and that was probably okay , since Stacy got the one good kite and Jackie didn 't seem to be interested in the other one , even slightly . It took a couple of trys , but we finally were able to get the kite in the air . After that I took Jackie over to the ocean and she didn 't want to have anything to do with the water . I let her play on the sand and then took Stacy to the water . Stacy was much more at ease , with being in the water , as long as I was carrying her . I walked out with her , to where the water was up to my waist . This means it was almost up to her bottom . We eventually walked out to where the water was a little deeper , and Stacy was a little whet . That was as far as I cared to go , so we soon headed back to Anthony 's place , and besides the food was now ready , and everyone was hungry . All the travel plans seem to be in place and it is getting closer . We are both anxious to get back to Livermore , so this is going to be a very good break for both of us . Thank you , for all your contined prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . I was typing today 's blog and was nearly complete when suddenly all of it simply disappeared . I had not selected anything or hit any kind of back space , it just simply disappeared . This is very frustrating , and now I 'm tired so I 'll only put a little information in the blog for tonight . The day began with a normal day getting up and getting the girls ready , then we went outside and found that the van had been opened . Not really sure how it got opened , other than that sometimes the electrical signals that come from the base , across the street , will open doors , including garage doors . I have mentioned this in the past , but this is the first time I actually lost something . The GPS was taken from the van , and now I will need to go replace it . I was told that they can be a quick way for the drug users and punks on the street to make a quick buck on Craig 's List or Ebay . Anyway , we got the girls to daycare and then Jason over to his first appointment . He first went to PT , and we got to see Dr . Pyo , who used to be Jason 's primary . He is getting out soon , so Jason has a new primary , and we have yet to meet him . With us leaving next week , it looks like it will still be another couple of weeks before we can finally get together with him . The good news for today is that I found out that all the medical supplies I need are finally here ( actually arrived today ) and so I am much more comfortable about traveling . The travel plans are pretty much finalized and Jason and I now have " tickets " for our flights home , to Livermore . Well , actually to SFO , but then we 'll drive to Livermore . We will be flying in on United and arriving at SFO at 17 : 05 ( 5 : 05pm ) . Like I said , a van is supposed to be waiting there for us , so we can soon get on our way to Livermore . My guess is that it is going to be a little crazy , but then again that has been our life style for a while now . Thank you , for all your prayers and continued support . Take care and stay positive . Today was a busy day for us , as it started out with Jackie waking up VERY early and crying . I 'm guessing she had a bad dream , so I went down to comfort her . Fortunately I was able to get down fast enough so that she didn 't wake Jason or Stacy . I 'm kind of a lite sleeper , and it really doesn 't take much to wake me especially when it is one of the kids . I rocked her in the chair in the living room for about 20 minutes and then put her back to bed . She slept through the rest of the night and seemed very happy the next morning . Then when I went in to see how Jason was doing he told me that . . . " . . . we have mice . " At least that is what he though he was hearing . What happened was that an opening happened on the cage to Stacy 's hamster , Patrick , and he had gotten out sometime during the evening . It was discovered by Stacy , and she just asked me , " Where 's Patrick ? " Anyway , it only took me about 15 minutes to find Patrick and get him back into his cage . I think went on to fix breakfast for the girls , and they both were hungry . They wanted Cheerios . Jason had bought them two new bowls , so they were both anxious to use them We got the girls over to the Child Development Center ( CDC ) and then headed over to Jason 's appointments . The appointments took us close to noon , so we decided to go ahead and have lunch at the base , and it was really good . Jason even had some desert . Stacy had a soccer practice today , so we got the girls over to the practice at about 17 : 00 , and then allowed Jackie to just run around the field . My hats off to the coach , working with a bunch of 4 and 5 year olds , trying to get them to play soccer , but she seems to be getting the job done . We stayed for the entire practice and Jason got the schedule , so he will be able to see as many of the games as possible . Not much else happened today - other than the final plans being put together for our return trip to Livermore . We are being flown in on a United Airlines flight , in First Class . We will be staying from the 21st to the 28th , when we 'll have to go on back again . We 're both looking forward to this coming weekend and getting a chance to see everybody . Thank you , for all the continued support and for the prayers . Today was a busy day for us , as we had to get going early with the girls , and get them over to their day care at the Child Development Center ( CDC ) . Jason had a formation at 07 : 30 this morning so we had to have the girls over to the CDC earlier . On top of that Jason had some extra forms to fill out at the CDC , so he needed a little extra time . Well , we got the girls there plenty early , and then because it took a little longer than anticipated to drop them off he couldn 't get to the paper work . We went over to Building 26 for the formation and happened to see the First Sergeant , as Jason was getting ready to exit the van . The First Sergeant came over and told Jason that the formation was cancelled due to the rain ( more like a heavy drizzle ) , as he didn 't want to have the guys get sick as a result of standing out in the weather . He and Jason talked for a few minutes and then we headed off , and in the firs few hundred meters of travel we must of told a half dozen other Marines that the formation was cancelled . They all seemed very happy to hear the update . We then went back to the CDC and finished the paperwork . Jason and I did some shopping at Target , and then headed back to the house so he could get out of the chair and back down on the bed . I then made a trip over to the AT & T Store to see why my phone stopped receiving emails , and the answer was actually something I should have guessed . As it turned out , apparently someone had gotten hold of my phone and shut off the data feeds to the phone . It is very easy to do , if you know how to do it , or it can be done accidentally if you 're randomly pushing buttons , as some 2 - year old 's have been known to do . Bottom line was that it was my own fault for letting Jackie play with the phone , and not looking to see what she did . I had not locked the phone so actually , I feel fortunate that she didn 't accidentally call somebody in Russia or some other place that would have cost me . I think I learned my lesson on that one . From now on I think I 'll keep my phone to myself . The girls had a good time at the CDC , and about the first thing out of Stacy 's mouth , when we got home was , " Can we go to the park ? " I told them they needed to get daddy out of bed , and if he was okay to go to the park , then we could go . Stacy is a great sales person , she convinced Jason to get up and head over to the park , and we were there by about 17 : 10 ( 5 : 10pm ) . There were some other kids there , all of them a year or two older than Stacy . She wasn 't intimidated at all , and they were all very friendly towards the girls . They were particularly interested in what I was doing , since I spent most of the time chasing Jackie around and taking pictures whenever I had the chance . One of them finally asked if I was their grandpa , and I said I was , and then pointed over at Jason ( he was about 10 feet away ) and said , " I 'm his daddy . " They all had this look of total disbelief , then a couple of them simply said , " Wow ! " After the park , we came back to the house where a soon started dinner and we had a nice bolognese sauce over angle hair pasta . I guess the girls were hungry as they both ate more than I thought they would . The funny thing is , we had just given them snacks before going over to the park area , and Jackie especially ate a good portion at snack time . The girls cleaned up and brushed their teeth , and I then read them a story . Both of them were pretty tired , and very quickly were asleep . I guess the activities at the CDC and then over at the park burned off a bit of their energy . Now that I have the camera working again , I will do my best to get some of the pictures posted in the next day or two . Of course I have a bunch of other things I need to get done too , so I don 't know if I 'll have the time for a day or two . Trying to finalize the trip to Livermore is moving along , but it requires attention to make sure things do happen . Thank you , or all your continued support and prayers - it is definitely helping to get us to where we need to be . Take care and stay positive . Today was a good day , and a not so goo day . . . The good was that we had a great time with the girls , I made pancakes for breakfast , and was totally surprised by how much Stacy can eat . I already knew that Jackie has a healthy appetite , but usually Stacy doesn 't eat that much . Maybe it is because of the pancakes . She ate almost as many as Jason . It has been the first time I 've made pancakes in a while ( maybe four months ) and they did come out particularly good this time . Not sure what I did differently . . . ; - ) After breakfast we jumped into the van and headed over to the park , to meet with Anthony Netto . He was at Balboa Park ( the Malory Sports area ) , where there was a bunch of archery going on . He had set up a time for Jason to get some shots in , and of course , since I was there I took a few shots as well . Anthony brought along another paramobile for Jason to ride and both the girls got to jump on to the back and were standing there while Daddy took a few shots . Actually it was kind of funny to watch Jason attempt to aim his arrow and then Jackie start jumping up and down on the back of the paragolfer . The other archers were giving him a hard time and asking what was the matter and why was he taking so long to shoot . It was all in good fun , and the girls were enjoying it to . This is where the not so good news comes in - I was attempting to use my camera when it just simply decided to stop working . I have plenty of battery and all the settings were in the right place . I 'm going to have to take it to someone who knows a little more about it than I do . We got back to the house a little later than we wanted , so the girls had to have a quick lunch and then go down for their naps . It is really kind of amazing to me how well they do go down , and seem happy to take their naps . Most other kids I 've seen always want to stay up , even if they are very tired . They slept for a couple of hours and then got up . While they slept I did a couple loads of clothes , and even did a couple more before the day was done - now I have a bunch of folding to do . Finally , after dinner ( spaghetti and meatballs ) they went up for their bath . I called Grandma while they were in the tub and let her talk to them for a couple of minutes ( speaker phones are great ) . It is so good to hear Jackie talking as much as she does . You can only understand about half of what she says , but she just keeps on talking , and she is just as happy as can be . I put them to bed and then read them Goldie Locks and The Three Bears , then we all sang Itsy Bitsy Spider and they went to sleep . I threw the last load in the drier and then made sure Jason didn 't need anything . I came up here and got the blog out of the way before I went to bed . Tomorrow is an early day , so I need to get to bed early . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers and Take care and stay positive . Today started out very early , especially for the girls - We needed to get them to Stacy 's soccer game , and then found out after getting there that the game was actually a hour later . I ended up " running " around the field with the girls and we had a great time . The game started and Stacy kicked the ball right into the net , just a few minutes after getting on to the field . Of course , the level of play was very good , as all the players were either four or five years old , and their experience was limited . All the parents there had a great time and cheered on ALL the players and every score ( there were plenty ) . After the game we headed back to the house and the girls were happy to lay back down and they took a little nap . After getting back up , a little after noon , we went over to Anthony Netto 's place to have a BBQ , and got to visit with a couple of our other friends as well . We stayed for a couple of hours and then decided it was time to head on back home . There really wasn 't much else the happened today , except for the girls getting their bath . The reason this was " special " was due to the fact that Jackie has a bit of a skin condition that has been bothering her , off and on , for about a year or so . When I went to put the medicated lotion on her back ( after the bath ) it really looked good , and in fact I didn 't see much evidence of the irritation . I 'm hopeful that perhaps the lotion is really doing it job . There are a couple of other spots on her arms , but the ones on her back were the ones that bothered me the most . It was nice to NOT see them . Her arms are looking much better too . I read the girls a bed time story , and Jackie was actually asleep before I was done reading it ( Stacy picked out , " I Love You Stinky Face . " Tomorrow should be a more relaxing day , and we 're looking forward to just taking it easy . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers - Take care and stay positive . It was a good day for Jason as he finally finished up that neuro - psychology testing . He had a couple of other appointments , but they were much easier to deal with , and effectively in - and - out kind ' a appointments . We got up relatively early and had a quick breakfast , then we were off to the Naval Medical Center at San Diego ( that 's the official name of the hospital ) . After we came back to the house and had lunch , we had two visitors from NMCSD , Lus and Bobbie , two recovery case nurses . They wanted to see the environment at the house , and just a quick " get - to - know - you " kind of visit . Finally , a bit later , the girls showed up and we were happy to see them . They were happy to be home with Daddy and Papa , so it was a good night for everybody . I fixed hot dogs , beans and french fries for dinner and both the girls were very happy about that . Actually I was too , it is an easy dinner to pull together , and clean up is pretty easy . . . ; - ) Bath time was fun , and both of them were making quite the mess . I kept asking Jackie to stop dumping water outside the tub ( one of their favorite toys is simply a plastic cup ) , so she started dumping water on Stacy , and Stacy didn 't seem to mind at all . When I was getting the girls ready for bed I brushed Stacy 's hair , and kept telling her to stand still so that I could brush her hair . It quickly became a game for her and I kept telling her that if she kept dancing around her hair was going to get tangled and it was going to be difficult to brush out . I let her dance around all she wanted , and we finally got the hair brushed out - then I braided it . Linda told me to do that before putting her to bed , to help with getting her ready the next morning . It was time for bed so I read them a book , Cars , and it was nice because even Jackie is understanding what is going on in the story . Once the girls were taken care of I turned to Jason , as he wanted to take a shower . He was in the shower pretty quickly and the dressings were back on , and he was ready for bed . We both need to be up early tomorrow , to take the girls to soccer practice early in the morning . We were informed that practice starts at 07 : 30 so I need to get them up and fed by 07 : 00 . . . Should be fun . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support , and take care and stay positive . Trying to get Jason up to Livermore is becoming a bit of a challenge . Right now I don 't know if the flight is going to be coming through , and that means I need to attempt to get a different means of getting him up there . I like the idea of a motor home , as that will allow him to lay down , and we can stop as frequently as we need . Typically it is an eight hour or more drive from San Diego to Livermore , but that 's okay we can do that . We need to be up there , so how ever we end up getting there , it is going to be worth the effort . Jason only had two appointments today , with the first one being the optometrist . Normally that wouldn 't be too bad , except they dilated his eyes , and right after that appointment he had to go attempt to finish up the testing . He said he had a heck of a time because he had to keep his sunglasses on . I thought he was just being " cool " and he thought he was a sharp dressed man ( ZZ Top ) . We went to In and Out Burger for lunch . We had a gift card so we decided to use it . I think all Jason really wanted was a chocolate shake . The rest of the day was spent at the house and we just kind of relaxed and took care of a few little things . The girls are supposed to be coming over tomorrow , so I need to make sure the house is in order , before they get here . Then I need to figure out what to fix for dinner . . . assuming that I will be cooking dinner for them . Then , again , I may only need to fix dinner for Jason and I . Tomorrow we have some more appointments to get to , but generally a relaxed day . Thank you , for all the prayers and continued support . Take care and stay positive . Another day , another appointment - Actually , Jason only had the one appointment today , and it went for almost four hours . It was supposed to go eight , but because he can 't stay in his chair that long they cut it in half . Or , at least that is what I was told originally . I spoke with Jason after we got back home and he said they only got about a third of the way through the testing . I really don 't know what it is they are testing , other than neurological activities , and it is comprehensive ; and , he doesn 't look any worse for the wear when he 's done with it . I suppose they will be able to direct some part of the recovery with the results , but my guess is that it won 't be announced until sometime this summer . The plans are well under way for our trip up to Livermore . The one missing piece is the transportation , once we get there . I think I have located a wheelchair accessible van , for our use , however we need to secure a couple of other things first . My guess is that it will suddenly all come together just before we leave the house , or maybe even just as we arrive at Livermore . I spent a good part of the afternoon cleaning up around the house . The floors are a lot cleaner now , and the laundry is done . I won 't have to do that stuff again for at least another two days ( or maybe at most ) . I think Jason and I are getting settled in pretty good now , and that feels good . Once I get my bicycle down here I 'll be able to get out and do some riding again , and then I 'll be happy . Just a quick post for tonight , as there really wasn 't much going on today . Jason had a couple of appointments and one errand to take care of , but otherwise we spent the day at home . No change to his health status ( nor mine ) , and we are going to be working to get things together to help insure we do get back up to Livermore by the 21st . The challenge I have right now is with transportation , once we get there . Jason needs a specialized wheelchair - van , just to get around town in . I have one here , but at present , I don 't plan to bring it with me . Tomorrow I will be contacting a few places in the Bay Area and hope to hit something , we 'll just have to continue to take it , one day at a time . Other than doing some cleaning and putting things away , and then preparing meals , I have had a relatively easy day . Tomorrow might be a bit more exciting , we 'll just have to wait and see . As an aside , I did speak with an Andrew Ross , today . He is a reporter with the San Francisco Chronical , and he is developing a story that he wanted to collect some data on , and he thought I could help . I don 't want to spoil it so that is all I 'm going to say right now , but I will say he found me as a result of some of the other print that is out there . A bit of a laid back day today , though we started out a bit different . Since the girls spent the night with us we had to get them up early , to get them over to their day care , at the Child Development Center ( CDC ) . The reason we had to get them up early was because Jason had a formation , and that was also early , and then later he was to go to an appointment . Well , this is how it actually went - - - We got up and got ourselves ready then woke up the girls . Jackie was already awake , so she was easy , Stacy , on the other hand doesn 't like to get going in the morning ( not a morning person ) . She did see how much fun we were having with Jackie and soon was up and wanting to play , too . We all loaded up into the car and we dropped Jason off then dropped the girls off . Not too much of an issue as the girls are quite comfortable with their CDC classrooms , and they know they 'll be picked up later in the day . Once that was done Linda and I hurried back over to the house to pick up her luggage so she could get to her flight on time . The time issue was more a result of the fact that we were headed back to pick up Jason and then we were going to breakfast . One of the things Linda wanted to do when she came down this time was to go out to a breakfast meal , at least once , while she was here . She ended up staying one extra day and the opportunity finally presented itself . We went and picked up Jason , who was just leaving his gathering and we headed over to the Broken Yoke . It is a restaurant that we hadn 't been too in many years , and as it turned out , we were glad we finally did go . We walked in and the place was nearly empty . By the time we left it was nearly full . Breakfast was good , and we enjoyed each other 's company . We finished the meal and headed over to the airport to drop Linda off . Now Jason and I were on our way over to his appointment , and mine ( yeah , occasionally I have an appointment too ) . Jason 's appointment was over way before mine was and he was waiting for me . Kind of a turn about , but he didn 't have to wait too long . We headed back to the house and he took a shower ; I did his dressing change ; and , he got back in bed . I noticed the wounds are looking better , though one of them is still much larger than I would like to see . The rest are getting close to closing up , and then his body will be able to direct all its energy on that one remaining wound . Once that happens we can move on to another aspect of his recovery . We spent the rest of the day at the house . I made him some lunch ; he played some of his video games ; and he played with his new little pet . I put away dishes that Linda had washed the night prior and clothes that she had washed . Generally the house looks pretty good , I even put away stuff in the girls ' room , and I haven 't had to do that in a long time . Not too much else happened , other than dinner , and that was just left overs this time . Tomorrow we have another early start , but not as early as today , and a lot less hectic . Thank you , for all the support and prayers - take care and stay positive . Good day today . We started the day with the girls and we ended the day with the girls . Actually they were supposed to have gone back to their mom , but she asked us to keep them over night and to take them to the day care in the morning . Jason was more than happy to oblige , especially since both Grandpa AND Grandma were both still here . We don 't know why she wasn 't available , all we know is that we still have them and that is the bottom line . Another bonus for today was a visit from Joe and Terry A . , from Livermore . They are actually on their way back up to Livermore , from a vacation , and were able to take some time to stop by and visit . It was the first time for them to see Jason , in over four years and I think it was good for everybody to get some face time . Actually , a little later in the day we also had a visit from Gary K . , a good friend who is local here . We hadn 't seen him in almost 10 months , so all around it was a good day for catching up with friends , as well as things in general . Linda 's travel plans got a bit out of sync and she found out that a mistake had been made ( she made the mistake , so we can 't blame anybody else ) and she wasn 't going to be able to head back to the Bay Area until tomorrow morning , at the soonest . Then it wasn 't until late morning that a spot was open . Obviously there was good and bad to this as I was happy to have her stay around for another night ; the girls were happy to have her around for awhile longer ; Jason was happy to have her around a little longer ; however , now she had to scramble to cover her day care business . She has clients that depend on her being there , so they can drop off their kids and they can get to work . Linda worked some of her organizational skills and made some quick phone calls . Julie , our awesome neighbor will be able to open in the morning and Linda 's flight arrives early afternoon in time before the kids get out of school . Julie has helped us out a numerous times ( actually her entire family has helped us ) , and we owe her ( them ) big time . I was glad that about the only thing Jason did today was to get up and take a shower ( I did a dressing change ) then spent the rest of the time in bed . Considering how much went on over these past couple of days I was glad to see him take it easy . I was able to get some time to do a first round of clean in the backyard and patio area , and I figure it is only going to take me another 10 - 12 hours to get it back in shape . One of the disappointing things was that when I started cleaning up the backyard area I found tools for grilling . It seems they had been left out when Jason had left for Bethesda , and remained there until I brought them in today . As you might expect , there are signs of weathering . I think they are still usable , they 're just not as pretty as they used to be . Tomorrow Jason has a formation at 07 : 30 , and while he is doing that we ( Linda and I ) will be dropping off the kids at Day Care . We will attend to some appointments , and also get Linda over to the airport so she can get back up to Livermore . Not sure if we will be picking up the kids , but I guess it really doesn 't matter right now . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Got up this morning and had one of Jason 's favorite breakfasts . . . oatmeal with raisins and brown sugar . The girls like it too , so it was an easy sell . The only problem / challenge is that we need to get a pan that is the right size . Actually the pan I used was big enough , but I would have liked to have had a little more cushion , and not have to fill the pan completely . The next size up is about 8 quart , and that is just a bit too big , as far as I am concerned for cooking that much oatmeal . Then again , it could be just me . . . ; - ) We had a great day with the girls . We got Stacy 's trike out and she was happy with it , but then Jackie wanted to ride it too . Fortunately Linda brought a little scooter ( kind of a mini razer ) and Stacy was totally thrilled to have it to play with . This left the trike available for Jackie . Sounds good so far . . . as soon as we got out side , Jackie saw her old scooter ( 4 - wheeled ) and completely forgot about the trike and was happy to just scoot around on her own scooter . Fortunately neither of the scooters were particularly fast , and the backyard patio is limited in size , so there wasn 't too far that they could go . We got some pictures , and I still haven 't down loaded the camera , so I will get to it tomorrow , and post a few shots . Late in the morning we headed over to Anthony Netto 's as he invited us to come for a " picnic " and to grill some steaks and sausages . We also had some hot dogs for the girls , and from what I could tell , they must have liked them , ' cause all the hot dogs were eaten . There was another family there as well , though they didn 't stay very long . The daughter is a quadriplegic and Anthony was showing them the paramobile . She did really good considering that she had only been on it once before . She went for a stroll around the grounds with her dad and it was good to see the happiness in their faces as they took off . Anthony is doing a great service to help those injured and who have lost the use of their legs , to regain some of their life back . Jason got on to one of the other units and was moving about with it . By the time we had left I asked him if he was feeling okay , and he said he felt much better than if he had been in his power chair for the same amount of time . If any of you know of someone who might gain from a paramobile , please check out Anthony 's web site : standupandplay . org . Linda had actually came back to the house earlier and put the girls down for a nap . I brought them all back to the house and helped to get the girls down , then headed back to pick up Jason . We all took a little bit of time to just relax ( or sleep ) and enjoy the time to rest . Dinner was pretty simple , as we had some left overs , as well as being able to make up some sandwiches . There is a play kitchen for the girls to entertain with , so while dinner was being prepared Stacy was also " preparing " food . She was having a great time and Jackie was getting comfortable with the house again and playing with her books and dolls . Eventually they had to head up for their baths , and then shortly after they went to bed . We had a very good day . There was lots of sun ( and we had lots of sun block on ) and it was nice and warm . It wasn 't too hot and we had people to have fun with . We were thinking that perhaps next time we 'll be able to take the girls down to the water and let them play there , since it is basically a lagoon and the water is both calm and relatively warm . Thank you , for all the prayers and continued support . Take care and stay positive . Today started early for us , as there was a 07 : 30 formation , and then Jason had to attend some mandatory training . The training went on until nearly noon , so by the time we finally got out of there he had already been up in his chair for several hours . We headed over to the CDC ( Child Development Center ) and found out that all the kids were either down , or going down for their nap , and that both Stacy and Jackie were already asleep . It was a little disappointing , as we really did want to see the girls , but it worked out okay anyway . We headed back over to the house , and prepared some lunch . Linda cooked up some of the fresh vegetables we had received from Tom and Carol Lightner , and they were good . We ended up eating all the new potatoes and a bunch of the spinach and kale , that we made into some tasty veggie wraps . Just so that it wasn 't too healthy , I threw in some bacon . After lunch Linda took off for a trip to one or more of the thrift stores ( she loves walking around in those stores and looking for " gold nuggets " ) , and I waited for the shipment of Jason 's belongings from Bethesda to arrive . They showed up at a little after 14 : 30 ( 2 : 30pm ) and the guys in the truck were great . They helped to carry the new bed up the stairs , and the two sections of the bed ( an adjustable Temperpedic ) each weighed over 120 lbs . I would have struggled to get them up , if I had to do it on my own . The bed is together and works great , and we 'll be sleeping on it tonight . I still think I may have tweaked my back a little getting the old bed down , but with a good rest I 'm sure I 'll be fine in the morning . Once that was all done we began to put some of the stuff away when Jason was contacted and we found out that girls were coming over . They came over , just as I was able to get the old bed out into the garage , and it was wonderful seeing them . Jackie yelled out " Papa ! " and ran over to me , and gave me the biggest hug while Stacy jumped on Jason and then both of the girls ran over to Linda , saying , " Grandma ! " We had a great time with them , and they will be staying with us for the weekend . This is particularly good for Linda , since she is going to be going home on Sunday , after the girls leave . The plans for the trip up to Livermore are coming together , and it looks like we could be flying up , though a specific date has not been set yet . We hope to be able to bring the girls with us , but that still remains to be seen right now . All - in - all , today turned out to be a very good day indeed . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Jason had a pretty good day today , though he still did not get a chance to spend any appreciable time with his girls . The thought is that early next month there will be a decision made about custody and then he will know when he can have the girls , without wondering what is going on . When we have seen them at the Child Development Center ( CDC ) they seem to be in very happy spirits and are always very glad to see us . Jason took some pictures of them this last visit , and it made him feel pretty good . Jason had a couple of appointments today , with one of them being plastics and the other wound care . The plastics visit was simply an in and out kind of visit . It was a quick check and then off to wound care , must have taken all of 10 minutes . Wound care was another story . We arrived on time , actually a little early , and ended up sitting in the exam room for nearly an hour . The poor wound care nurse ( actually I think she is a nurse practitioner ) was really backed up with patients and she was on her own . Not sure why , but anyway it took awhile to get to our turn . She remembered Jason from when we were here last year , and she was impressed with what had been done . She was also sorry to see that the wounds were still in the healing mode rather than completely healed . I showed her the new products we were using and she was familiar with them , so that was a simple hand - off of sorts . They don 't have a bunch of the Hydrofera Blue right now , but that is okay because what we brought with us , and with what little they did have ( I now have it ) we should be okay until some is ordered . After the appointments we just headed back to the house and took care of a few of the little tasks that we have regularly around here , like cleaning up , laundry , taking care of his new pet , etc . It was just the two of us for most of the morning as I took Linda up to a dentist , Dr . Kevin Salgado , who has offered to provide dental care at no charge . He and his wife have a practice ( wife , Stephanie , is the hygienist ) and they came with a very strong endorsement from a friend who lives down here . Actually it was great timing as we had not been to a dentist in over two years ( no insurance coverage ) . When Linda did finally get back to the house she was very happy about the visit , and the work that was done . I will be going in next week or so . Jason will have to get up early tomorrow , as will I , for a 07 : 30 formation . Linda and I will take him and then probably go get some breakfast . Fortunately I don 't have to be with him for this activity . . . and in fact should not be with him as it is a pure Marine gathering . He has one appointment after that and then we will head back to the house , though we may go see the girls first . Later tomorrow , sometime after 14 : 00 ( 2 : 00pm ) we are supposed to receive the rest of the stuff shipped from Bethesda , mainly the paramobile . It will be good to see it back in his possession again , and at least here he can use it more freely . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . One heck of a busy day for Jason . We began with appointments and then visited with Stacy and Jackie at their childcare center . The girls were very excited to see us , and I did get some pictures ( to be posted tomorrow ) . We stayed for a little while , and were even invited to have lunch with them - tempting because they were having tacos - but we needed to get back to the house . Jason had been up for several hours by now , and he needed to get back down . It was so refreshing to see the girls and see how well Jackie is progressing . It can really be seen just how good the childcare environment is helping her develop . Stacy is getting so big and growing up so nicely . It was great seeing her in an outfit that Linda had purchased for her , and it fit her so nicely . Linda and I went to pick up a few things at the post office , mail packages that had come in . There was also a package from FedEx that Jason had been looking for . It was the one with his EOD painting and his award for crossing the Equator , while he was out on the MEU ( Marine Expeditionary Unit ) . There is a big tradition in the Navy for crossing the Equator and Jason felt that this was something very special for him so I was glad to see it come in . The EOD painting was an original , done just for Jason , so that made it pretty special for him also . Anyway , they 're both here now and he can relax a little about them . Looks like we will be able to get back up to Livermore a little later this month . I am working with a couple of other folks right now who are helping with the transportation needs . A direct drive up to the Bay Area is just about out of the question right now . It would probably take us two and a half days to get there from here , as we would be stopping frequently . There are a bunch of folks who are anxious to see Jason , and we expect that there is going to be a good time when we get there . The unfortunate side is that he won 't be able to get back into our home , as there would be far too much needed , in the way of modifications , to allow it to happen . Eventually , Jason will be needing to build his own home , and that 's where he will be able to live , as comfortably as anybody else . There have been a few discussions about what he plans to do over the next couple of years , so when this is all finally settled he will be in his own home , going to work , and being a part of middle America , just like Linda and I . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . Today did not go as we would have liked it to go , but we are still moving forward . Jason is still looking forward to having his girls spend some time with him , in his own home , but for now we must wait a little longer . There was a meeting today , and as far as I am aware , it went about as smooth as one might expect , considering the subject and the attendants . The out come was supposed to be an agreement for time sharing of the girls , but it didn 't happen . Jason had one appointment today , and a formation . Actually , it was the other way around , and Linda and I simply waited until he was done . We got back to the house and did a little cleaning and fixing some snack , I was getting hungry , then Linda and I went up stairs . The meeting took place , and we were not invited , as we really didn 't need to be there . Actually , I 'm not really sure how many people were there , but I think it was either seven or eight , and they stayed for about an hour . After they left Jason got back into bed and rested . Linda fixed him a sandwich and a bowl of soup , and then Linda and I went off to Trader Joe 's to pick up a few things . I wish we could shop there all the time - they have some very nice things . The rest of the day was spent visiting with some friends and taking care of phone calls and emails . Tomorrow Jason has a couple of appointments , and we 'll be meeting with his Recovery Care Coordinator to see what the plans are for the next few months . We also found out that he has a " new " primary doctor , so we 're hoping to meet him and see what his thoughts are . Otherwise , that is pretty much it for today , so I would like to thank you , all for your continued support and prayers being sent our way . Monday , after a holiday ( even Easter ) that happens on the weekend , for the military , usually ends up as a day off . It is usually referred to as a 96 , meaning that they all have at least 96 hours off , or four days . Obviously the guys really enjoy this break , because it gives them enough time to go do something a bit more off the " normal " routine of a regular weekend , and they often come back either very tired or refreshed . In Jason 's case , it is going to be more of the refreshed variety . We ended with today pretty much staying at home and Jason staying down . He spent a few more hours than he would normally spend , due to visiting with friends , and this was all good for him , spiritually and mentally , though it took its toll physically . I was glad that he spent the day in bed and got the rest he needed . His wounds are getting to a point where there is good healing going on , and I would like to see that continue , so I 'm going to be nagging him a bit more the next couple of days to stay down more , though he usually is pretty good about it anyway . Tomorrow starts with a very early appointment ( 07 : 30 ) and then we 'll head back to the house . There are a couple of other things he wants to get accomplished , and then back to laying back down and relaxing again . I mentioned earlier that he had gotten himself a new pet , and it has given him something to focus on , besides the video games , TV and movies . I think this is going to be good for him , and it is a relatively easy chore that give him the feeling of accomplishment . Thank you , for all the continued support and for the continued prayers . |
Today was a much better day , as far as Jason 's physical condition is concerned . He felt better and was up and ready to go kind of early . He had formation at 07 : 30 , so we had to get over to the Naval Base early . When we got there most of the guys were still getting their stuff together and all were getting organized , and it felt pretty much like a " normal " kind of day . After formation we got a chance to chat with SSGT Lacey , as we hadn 't seen her in several months . Apparently she has been injured and is now a Wounded Warrior just like the others . Only her 's is from a motorcycle accident , where this guy kind of ran into her with his truck , while she was sitting at a stop light . Fortunately , the injuries are much less than what they could have been , but that 's easy for me to say . . . she is still requiring some surgery and rehab on her shoulder . Once Jason and I had all the little things done at the hospital , and headed back to the house , I went up to Los Angeles to pick up my bike . Jason was all set in his bed ; he had a few hours worth of work to get done ; and , should there be a need , he had video games available for him to play . I had originally planned to coming back later in the day , so I made sure he wasn 't going to be needing anything in the way of food or drink , and it looks like all went well . When I came back from David 's house ( more on that later ) Jason wanted to take a shower , and get the dressings changed . That was okay by me , as it was late enough that I was getting tired , but not too late that it couldn 't be done . When I made it to Los Angeles , and to David and Miriam 's house , it was about 13 : 15 ( 1 : 15pm ) , just like I said it would be , when I got there . I felt pretty good being able to call it that close . I had a great time with the grand kids , both Dylan and Ethan were up and having a great time . Dylan was particularly energetic today , and very happy to see me . He and I played with his bubble wand , and went for a walk , and then played with a bunch of his blocks and toys , in the house . Ethan wasn 't really sure what to do about me . I think it was the first time that he has seen me , and able to determine that I am someone different from mommy and daddy . As a result he was a little standoffish . I still had some fun with him , but Miriam had to be involved with just about all aspects . Like I said , I had originally planned on coming back a little later in the day , and staying up and having dinner with the family , but something told me to get back down to make sure Jason was okay . I got back to the house and Jason was fine , so it was just me being a little overly cautious . He did want to take a shower , and if I had not come back when I did it might not have happened . Tomorrow we have appointments and things to do , so it is going to be an early and busy day for us . Thank you , all for continuing all the prayers and support being sent our way . Take care and stay positive . Well , first , apologies for not updating yesterday , but we didn 't get home until late yesterday , and then I had to go out again to pick up the paramobile . Fortunately the United crew were willing to just hang out until I came back with the truck and they lifted it up and put it in the back of the truck . All - in - all , United Air Lines went way out of their way to make this trip back to San Diego spectacular . The trip up to Livermore had some bumps and some difficulties associated with it . For example , they " lost " the paragolfer for a short while , once we landed at SFO . As it turned out , it was simply a break down in communications , and they really never lost it , just that for some reason they took their time in getting it out to the baggage area . Once we had the unit back up on the truck we were running smoothly again . When we left San Diego we were escorted up to , and through security , where we were allowed to move up to the front and brought through quickly . When we came back down , from SFO we again were escorted through a TSA security area , only this one was a bit more isolated , and it felt like it was probably where some of the " special " passengers got to go . Of course , Jason and I were beginning to feel very special by the time we had gotten this far . When we first arrived at the airport , all the players were there waiting for us . One person in particular , LeeAnn ( probably spelling her name wrong ) from the USO was coordinating everything , or at least it seemed that way . I brought the paragolfer over to a special gate where they picked it up and had TSA do an inspection of it right there . I assisted where I needed to , and it all went very smoothly . They had some questions and I answered them as best I could , then we went into the terminal . When we went into the terminal we were escorted through a different area , where I had not ever seen before , and it didn 't have too many people there anyway . Like I said , Jason and I were beginning to feel like celebrities , or dignitaries or something . A really cool part of it was that Linda was able to come along with us , and we had lots of assistance getting through security . Even one of the TSA agents stayed with us for most of the way to the gate . When we got through to about where the gate was , we found out that we were very early , so we were allowed to head over the United lounge area where Jason could get out of the chair and just lay back and be more comfortable . Again , Linda was with us the entire time . We enjoyed some drinks and snacks and then when the time was right we moved on to the gate . Actually , we hadn 't known what our gate was up to that point , so we only had an ' idea ' where we were going . We go to the airplane and I helped Jason get to his seat and this time the seats were actually a little bigger . I was still able to get the belt around it , but it was just barely able to fit . Again , they allowed Linda to come down the ramp to the plane , so she could say good bye to us , and that was probably the toughest part of the entire trip . She didn 't want us to go , and we really didn 't want to leave her behind , but it is what we had to do , and then we were off . We landed at San Diego and again waited for everyone to get off the plane before we could get off . It was actually kind of funny with the way the crew was wanting to help us , and they were almost tripping over each other , but we managed to get off the plane okay , and then all our baggage was simply waiting there for us . The Marines brought one of their buses and we could get Jason 's power chair on the bus , but no the paragolfer , so that is why I had to come back with the truck to pick it up . Stephanie S . , one of the supervisors there , made sure we had help getting the machine on the truck . Today , started off a little rough , as Jason apparently miscalculated the number of pain meds he was going to need , and ran out before we came back . This morning it was really beginning to have an impact on how well he was feeling , as well as how well he was able to sleep last night . He was able to call in and get the Rx called in for him and then I took off to go pick them up . Once I had the meds back to him it took about two hours for him to start feeling a little better , so he decided to take a shower . He then said he was hungry and then once he had something to eat he really fell asleep and has slept most of the day . I was able to do some cleaning around the house , and got some things put away , then I just kicked back and had a very nice relaxing day . Tomorrow we step into the routine again , and then we 'll be moving forward again . I 've had a couple of conversations with some of the doctors , and they would like to have a conference call with Jason , when he is up to it , so I 'll do my best to get that done tomorrow . I am feeling positive about the future , and about the treatments for Jason , so all I can do is ask that you continue to pray for us , and thank you for all the prayer and support you have been sending . Take care and stay positive . Congressman Eric Swalwell , a representative from the state legislature , the Mayor of Livermore , John Marchand , and still many others . There were representatives from VFW organizations and other Veterans groups , as well as several support groups , and finally Warriors Watch Riders . It all started at the First Street Ale House , in Livermore , and the Watch Riders escorted us over to the VFW Hall . There were so many people there , all wanting to say hello to Jason , and I was going around the hall speaking with friends that we didn 't get a chance to eat any of the food . I will be needing to pack up all our stuff , and fortunately we have enough room to take home all the gifts that Jason was given , including the framed documents from all the different groups and organizations , and elected officials . We need to be ready to head out of here shortly after 15 : 00 ( 3 : 00pm ) , so that we can get to the airport early enough to insure the safety of the medical equipment ( aka - paramobile ) . I was contacted by the USO , as they will be escorting us once we get to the airport , and they will take us to the gate , even after going through security . Linda will be able to come along to the gate with us as well so it looks like everything is in place now . It will be good to get back to a solid network , so that I can make these posts with out the frustration of the network dropping every few minutes . Not sure what has been going on at the hotel , but they need to get that fixed . Thank you , for all your support - especially like what was shown today - and for all the prayers being sent our way . Take care and stay positive . Today was a nice day for Jason , as it started out slow and he was able to rest most of the day . We did go out and did a little shopping ( I needed a new belt ) , and it was a good way to let Gracie go for a walk . The one funny thing that happened was that as we walked up to one shop there was a large horse statue in front of the store ( for locals , it was Baughman 's in Livermore ) . Gracie wanted nothing to do with this strange creature that stood as tall as me , and was four times my size . It took a while to coax her up to the statue , and she finally accepted the fact that it wasn 't alive . Jason showed great patience in getting her to walk up to it and smell it . After the shopping we went to breakfast at the Rail Road Cafe ' . The food there is really good and we met up with a couple of friends , Charles and his daughter Natalee . Natalee presented Jason with a little gift she put together , from the ball game , a photo collage , then the folks at the restaurant comped his breakfast . We were only out for a matter of about an hour and a half , and then we headed back to the hotel where Jason remained in bed until we were to head out for dinner . He was really looking forward to going to La Milpa , and so was I . When we got there we were greeted by Martha , the owner and Ramon , her son . They sat us down and the food was excellent , as usual . Then they surprised us by comping the meals and making the day even that much better . Tomorrow is another big event , where Jason is going to be the guest of honor at a celebration reception , and we are expecting as many people as were at the baseball game , and maybe even more . In fact , if you 're reading this blog , and you 're in the area , please consider stopping by . It will be at the VFW on 5th and L Street , at 15 : 00 ( 3 : 00pm ) . We are kind of glad that this is finally happening , and yet also sad as it means that we will be leaving soon , and headed back to San Diego . For me the issue is that it means Linda and I will be apart again , and we 'll once again be working to figure out how we can get time together . Yet on the positive side , it will be a solid focus on Jason 's recovery and getting to those next steps of finally getting to the point of his independence . Compared to yesterday , today was amazingly low key . Linda and I got the opportunity to spend some time together , away from the hotel ; Grandma and Grandpa were able to spend time with Jason , in case he needed anything ( which he didn 't ) ; and , later in the day Matt Ferea , a childhood and scouting buddy of Jason 's came over and spent a few hours visiting with him . Matt and Jason climbed Mt . Fuji ( Japan ) back in 1996 , as Boy Scouts , and have great memories about that adventure . All - in - all , a very nice and relaxed day . We got some things done , and were able to enjoy the slower pace while still being productive , Linda even did some laundry for Jason and I . I was able to see a couple of our neighbors and spend a little time visiting with them , and seeing how they were doing . There was a great deal of feedback on the news casts of the Granada ball game , and as expected , Granada did win ( 17 in a row ) . One of the folks I ran into yesterday told me that Granada was the number 2 high school baseball team in the nation , and considering that it came from Mike leads me to believe that it is true . We had a nice quiet dinner and then watched a " home movie " of sorts , and then that was pretty much the end of the day . Tomorrow is going to be another relaxed day , and that is a good thing because I want Jason to spend as much time as he can off of his wounds . Tomorrow evening we are planning to have dinner at Jason 's favorite ( ours too ) Mexican restaurants , La Milpa , located in Milpitas where we lived before moving to Livermore , 25 + years ago . It will be pretty much just family , so we will try to keep the noise level down to a dull roar . Thank you , for all your continued prayers and support - Take care and stay positive . Today was a big day for Jason , as the baseball game , between Granada High and Livermore High was being played . Both he and Chris were on hand for the " first pitch " and both of them did an outstanding job . Unfortunately we were unable to stay for the entire game , I thought it was starting to develop into a nice game , with neither of the teams dominating , yet playing their hearts out . Because we left early I don 't know for sure who won , but I believe Granada was leading 5 - 0 going into the sixth , and Granada had a 16 - 0 record for the season ( it might be 17 - 0 now ) . There were many , many people there and news crews from KTVU , KGO , and KCBS , as well as reporters from the San Francisco Chronicle , the Independence , and probably others that I didn 't see . I saw people there I hadn 't seen in over a year , some in over two years , while some that I hadn 't seen in only a few months . When I was being interviewed I did my best to be consistent in my answers , so that I didn 't look too foolish from one channel to the next , and I did my best to put a plug in for the Stars for Heros and Stand - Up - And - Play , since there was a big focus on those two charitable groups today . Getting over to the ball game was almost as exciting as being there . We left the hotel at about 14 : 30 ( 2 : 30 ) and were escorted by the Warrior 's Watch Riders and got to the school about 20 minutes later . We got the paramobile out of the truck with no problem and then went to get Jason into the unit and found that I had forgotten the chest belt . David ( Jason 's older brother ) drove back to the hotel and found it and brought it back . Fortunately we got everything done just in time to get Jason on to the filed for the beginning ceremony . Jason threw out the first pitch and was then presented with a few gifts and commemorative things like a baseball signed by the players and a Granada baseball cap - though I think they gave him the cap before it actually got started . All - in - all it was great to see it all there and to be a part of this experience . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers , take care and stay positive . Jason had a very busy day today , with the morning starting out relatively slowly , and relaxed , and then as the day got going we started getting visitors . We saw Bill Buchanan and then Bill Nebo from church , and then just prior to the Granada High School 's baseball team 's arrival Marilyn Carter came by , and she and Linda did some decorating of Jason 's room . The team came in and the coaches were all there , and they spent a great deal of time with Jason . Along with all this , there were several people from veterans groups and other support organizations , that are just too numerous to mention right now . That 's because its late and I need to get up early tomorrow . I do apologize for not putting all your names in here , though we do appreciate all that you have done for us . On top of all that Jason enjoyed the company . Also visiting was a dear friend , Geetha , whom we hadn 't seen in several years , and it was good to see her again . We had dinner with Karen , Mike , Monica and Ross and the meal was excellent . Karen had promised to fix me corned beef when Jason and I came back to Livermore , and sure enough she did ( by the way , the " We " is Jason , Linda , George and George III ) . I got to watch the Giants game , and it was pretty exciting towards the end , where they tied it up , then something went wrong , mistakes were made and the Giants lost the game in the 11th inning . That 's okay , they can win tomorrow . Thank you for all your support and continued prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a relaxed day , and Jason spent almost the entire day laying back in the bed . He did take the time out to shower and I did a dressing change on him , and that was all good . He also took Gracie out early in the morning , as dogs need to get out some times . . . ; - ) The dressing change was a major impact on the decision on staying down . The day prior ( the day of travel ) he was up for several hours and the effects of that where visible on his wounds . I asked him to take the rest of the day off , and a good part of tomorrow too . We want him to feel good on Wednesday , and I think Jason is fully aware of the importance of taking care of himself . Meals were pretty simple today - Breakfast was here at the hotel which is included with our stay . Jason and I had waffles ; lunch was from Linda , where she fixed sandwiches and fruit ; and , then dinner was a wonderful meal prepared by Karen and Mike , that they brought over while Jason was showering , so they didn 't even get a chance to talk with him . That 's okay , we 'll get another chance tomorrow ; we plan to have dinner with them at their home . Gracie was up and out early , as Jason took her out for a short walk , and bio - break ; later in the day I took Gracie out , but that was mostly so Jason could remain comfortable in bed . Tomorrow we are expecting a visit from the Granada High School baseball team , and probably a number of other folks who want to come by for a visit . I don 't think it will be too much of an issue for Jason , and then he will again do a dressing change , and I 'll get to do another assessment of how he is doing . He has a very good history of bouncing back , so I am expecting the same this time . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support and take care and stay positive . Today I am writing this blog from Livermore , CA ! Jason 's home town . Yep , we finally made it back home , though it is only going to be for a week . That 's okay though , because we intend to enjoy our time here , as much as we can . The trip down was uneventful , even if getting on to the plane had a number of challenges . As well , there were a number of challenges getting off the plane . Most of those having to do with the paramobile and how the folks at United handled the challenge . Typically , they don 't have to deal with a passenger who has such serious injuries , so that put them on edge to begin with . Then Jason is bringing along a device ( certified medical device - class 3 wheelchair ) that most of them have never seen before . It took about a half an hour to instruct them on how it was to be loaded , and thank goodness Anthony Netto was there to help . Finally it was accomplished and I was given my claim stub to allow me to collect it when we arrived in SFO . We were escorted all the way to the gate by one of the airport volunteers and she was not only a God send but also very efficient at getting us to where we needed to be . We were the first to get on to the plane , and Jason rode his power chair right up to the door of the plane and I carried him in the rest of the way . It wasn 't too bad , and since no one else was there it went very smoothly . The flight crew of United were very helpful and responsive and helped to make the trip that much more enjoyable . The funny thing is , when we first found out about Jason 's injuries we flew United back to Maryland . Here it is , 777 days later ( yep , that 's how long ago it happened ) and were on United again . We landed at SFO , right on time and we had to wait for everyone to get off first , then they brought the power chair right up to the door and I carried Jason back out to it . We again had some assistance from the United flight crew and all went well . Then we went to go get our luggage . Well , actually first we were greeted by a throng of people all standing at the gate , waving signs and U . S . Flags , and they were all cheering and clapping . I think it embarrassed just a little , especially sine people kept clapping as we moved along . I guess they got special permission to meet us at the gate because they sure weren 't passengers . We finally made it back out to where we were to get the luggage and guess what , there was another throng of people cheering and clapping and this time it was even bigger . Linda was waiting for us this time ( she had forgotten her I . D . so she wasn 't able to make the first greeting ) . We went to get our luggage , and the paramobile . The luggage was there but the paramobile was no where to be found . They didn 't know what it was , nor where it was . Fortunately I still had my claim stub and the lady sitting behind the counter used it to find out that it had not been scanned when it left San Diego , and because of that it might not even be here . Well , long story short , they found the machine and were able to finally get it to us and we got it back out , and into a truck . The Warriro 's Riders were there to escort us all the way back to Livermore , and there must have been close to 50 Harleys , many of them with flags , riding in front of and behind us . We looked like something very special and whenever other drivers were able to pass us they would do there best to see just who we were . It was fun and then we arrived at the hotel . There were probably another 100 people waiving flags and cheering as we rolled in . It was an amazing site . There were representatives from all sorts of groups and organizations , including the local fire department . I had no idea there were going to be that many people . We took our time in getting into the hotel , and thanked a bunch of the folks for coming , but obviously we were not able to thank everyone . Jason needed to get back down and I wanted to get him into the room . We have a great week ahead of us , and I plan for both Jason and I to get some extra rest this week , despite all the activities that are planned . Thank you , all so very much for all your prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . What an amazing day today was . Jason didn 't get out of bed except for taking a shower , and then when we went to the USO Event tonight . I did laundry , and cleaned up around the place and played on the computer for a little while , even had time to participate in a conference call with the San Francisco Bay Area Chapter of PMI ( I 'm on the board ) . I took Gracie out a few times and she is definitely becoming comfortable with both Jason and I . She even went to the event with us , as it was a dinner event . I have all the medical supplies packed up , and will pack up the rest of Jason 's stuff tomorrow , after he showers . I then have to pack up my stuff , but that won 't take too long . The weather has been great these past few days , and we 're quite happy about that , except that I really do need to remember to put sun block on , before I leave the house . I expect to have a good tan by the end of the summer , early fall , but then I don 't tan much anyway . We 're looking forward to tomorrow 's trip and so I 'm going to be signing off here , so I can get some sleep . I will continue to update the blog on a daily basis while in Livermore , so stay tuned for more exciting adventures . . . and Linda has said she will read them before I post , so there won 't be as many type - o 's ( I hope ) . Thank you , for all your continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . Today was one of those milestone kind of days with Jason , as he acquired a service dog . She is a German Shepard and 2 years old . Fully trained and used to various commands . The situation was that she was working with another wounded warrior and that guy decided that the dog was not helping him with what he wanted to do . The guy was not in a wheelchair and was able to get around just fine , and the dog was simply a companion dog so with Jason being in a wheelchair it presents a small challenge for the dog to learn how to be around a wheelchair . So far it looks pretty good and I think in a matter of a few days she will have a routine down that compliments Jason 's movements . Now it sounds like I am talking about current situation , and that 's because I am . The dog came into the picture today , and will be traveling with us on Sunday to Livermore . I was a bit concerned about introducing another aspect into all of what has been going on , but apparently it isn 't as big an issue as I thought . The dog comes with certifications and documents , and will be allowed on the plane with Jason and I . ( I am intentionally not putting in the dog 's name , as I don 't want people to just come up to it and call its name - at least not yet ) . Jason seems very happy to have the dog , and the dog 's personality seems to be very well suited for this kind of work . Jason and I had lunch today with the girls , and we had a great time . I was allowed to go over and get Jackie from her room and brought her into Stacy 's so that all four of us could sit together . At first Jackie didn 't quite understand what was going on , but then figured it out and since she was now sitting on my lap decided to eat from my lunch plate . It was actually kind of cute how she was able to dig right in , and really didn 't make too much of a mess . Later this evening we did have to say good bye to the girls , as their stay with us was over . We will get to see them tomorrow since Stacy has a soccer game and Jason wants to see it . I 'll have to do our packing tomorrow , after the game , but it shouldn 't be too difficult . As for the logistics of the travel and support Jason will be needing , I think it is all in place , and we 're going to have a great time . There are so many people helping us get to Livermore it is amazing . I am truly humbled by all the focus and help being sent our way . I just hope we live up to all expectations . Thank you , for all your continued support and for all the prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a very nice day that began with getting the girls up and ready for day care , and then fixing them their breakfast . They both love Cheerios , and so it is easy to get them to stay focused on having their breakfast . We dropped them off at the Child Development Center ( CDC ) and then took off to take care of our errands and appointments . We came back to their respective class rooms , just as the nap times were ending , and picked up the girls . Tomorrow we 're going to attempt to get to their class rooms a little earlier as there is an invitation to have the parents come in and have lunch with the kids . Jason is hoping that his schedule is going to be able to accommodate . Once we got the girls back home we got them ready to head over to Anthony Netto 's place , to have a BBQ and then get to fly a kite . As it turned out Jason bought to " kits " for building kites , and found that one of the kits was missing parts . We ended up with just one kite , and that was probably okay , since Stacy got the one good kite and Jackie didn 't seem to be interested in the other one , even slightly . It took a couple of trys , but we finally were able to get the kite in the air . After that I took Jackie over to the ocean and she didn 't want to have anything to do with the water . I let her play on the sand and then took Stacy to the water . Stacy was much more at ease , with being in the water , as long as I was carrying her . I walked out with her , to where the water was up to my waist . This means it was almost up to her bottom . We eventually walked out to where the water was a little deeper , and Stacy was a little whet . That was as far as I cared to go , so we soon headed back to Anthony 's place , and besides the food was now ready , and everyone was hungry . All the travel plans seem to be in place and it is getting closer . We are both anxious to get back to Livermore , so this is going to be a very good break for both of us . Thank you , for all your contined prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . I was typing today 's blog and was nearly complete when suddenly all of it simply disappeared . I had not selected anything or hit any kind of back space , it just simply disappeared . This is very frustrating , and now I 'm tired so I 'll only put a little information in the blog for tonight . The day began with a normal day getting up and getting the girls ready , then we went outside and found that the van had been opened . Not really sure how it got opened , other than that sometimes the electrical signals that come from the base , across the street , will open doors , including garage doors . I have mentioned this in the past , but this is the first time I actually lost something . The GPS was taken from the van , and now I will need to go replace it . I was told that they can be a quick way for the drug users and punks on the street to make a quick buck on Craig 's List or Ebay . Anyway , we got the girls to daycare and then Jason over to his first appointment . He first went to PT , and we got to see Dr . Pyo , who used to be Jason 's primary . He is getting out soon , so Jason has a new primary , and we have yet to meet him . With us leaving next week , it looks like it will still be another couple of weeks before we can finally get together with him . The good news for today is that I found out that all the medical supplies I need are finally here ( actually arrived today ) and so I am much more comfortable about traveling . The travel plans are pretty much finalized and Jason and I now have " tickets " for our flights home , to Livermore . Well , actually to SFO , but then we 'll drive to Livermore . We will be flying in on United and arriving at SFO at 17 : 05 ( 5 : 05pm ) . Like I said , a van is supposed to be waiting there for us , so we can soon get on our way to Livermore . My guess is that it is going to be a little crazy , but then again that has been our life style for a while now . Thank you , for all your prayers and continued support . Take care and stay positive . Today was a busy day for us , as it started out with Jackie waking up VERY early and crying . I 'm guessing she had a bad dream , so I went down to comfort her . Fortunately I was able to get down fast enough so that she didn 't wake Jason or Stacy . I 'm kind of a lite sleeper , and it really doesn 't take much to wake me especially when it is one of the kids . I rocked her in the chair in the living room for about 20 minutes and then put her back to bed . She slept through the rest of the night and seemed very happy the next morning . Then when I went in to see how Jason was doing he told me that . . . " . . . we have mice . " At least that is what he though he was hearing . What happened was that an opening happened on the cage to Stacy 's hamster , Patrick , and he had gotten out sometime during the evening . It was discovered by Stacy , and she just asked me , " Where 's Patrick ? " Anyway , it only took me about 15 minutes to find Patrick and get him back into his cage . I think went on to fix breakfast for the girls , and they both were hungry . They wanted Cheerios . Jason had bought them two new bowls , so they were both anxious to use them We got the girls over to the Child Development Center ( CDC ) and then headed over to Jason 's appointments . The appointments took us close to noon , so we decided to go ahead and have lunch at the base , and it was really good . Jason even had some desert . Stacy had a soccer practice today , so we got the girls over to the practice at about 17 : 00 , and then allowed Jackie to just run around the field . My hats off to the coach , working with a bunch of 4 and 5 year olds , trying to get them to play soccer , but she seems to be getting the job done . We stayed for the entire practice and Jason got the schedule , so he will be able to see as many of the games as possible . Not much else happened today - other than the final plans being put together for our return trip to Livermore . We are being flown in on a United Airlines flight , in First Class . We will be staying from the 21st to the 28th , when we 'll have to go on back again . We 're both looking forward to this coming weekend and getting a chance to see everybody . Thank you , for all the continued support and for the prayers . Today was a busy day for us , as we had to get going early with the girls , and get them over to their day care at the Child Development Center ( CDC ) . Jason had a formation at 07 : 30 this morning so we had to have the girls over to the CDC earlier . On top of that Jason had some extra forms to fill out at the CDC , so he needed a little extra time . Well , we got the girls there plenty early , and then because it took a little longer than anticipated to drop them off he couldn 't get to the paper work . We went over to Building 26 for the formation and happened to see the First Sergeant , as Jason was getting ready to exit the van . The First Sergeant came over and told Jason that the formation was cancelled due to the rain ( more like a heavy drizzle ) , as he didn 't want to have the guys get sick as a result of standing out in the weather . He and Jason talked for a few minutes and then we headed off , and in the firs few hundred meters of travel we must of told a half dozen other Marines that the formation was cancelled . They all seemed very happy to hear the update . We then went back to the CDC and finished the paperwork . Jason and I did some shopping at Target , and then headed back to the house so he could get out of the chair and back down on the bed . I then made a trip over to the AT & T Store to see why my phone stopped receiving emails , and the answer was actually something I should have guessed . As it turned out , apparently someone had gotten hold of my phone and shut off the data feeds to the phone . It is very easy to do , if you know how to do it , or it can be done accidentally if you 're randomly pushing buttons , as some 2 - year old 's have been known to do . Bottom line was that it was my own fault for letting Jackie play with the phone , and not looking to see what she did . I had not locked the phone so actually , I feel fortunate that she didn 't accidentally call somebody in Russia or some other place that would have cost me . I think I learned my lesson on that one . From now on I think I 'll keep my phone to myself . The girls had a good time at the CDC , and about the first thing out of Stacy 's mouth , when we got home was , " Can we go to the park ? " I told them they needed to get daddy out of bed , and if he was okay to go to the park , then we could go . Stacy is a great sales person , she convinced Jason to get up and head over to the park , and we were there by about 17 : 10 ( 5 : 10pm ) . There were some other kids there , all of them a year or two older than Stacy . She wasn 't intimidated at all , and they were all very friendly towards the girls . They were particularly interested in what I was doing , since I spent most of the time chasing Jackie around and taking pictures whenever I had the chance . One of them finally asked if I was their grandpa , and I said I was , and then pointed over at Jason ( he was about 10 feet away ) and said , " I 'm his daddy . " They all had this look of total disbelief , then a couple of them simply said , " Wow ! " After the park , we came back to the house where a soon started dinner and we had a nice bolognese sauce over angle hair pasta . I guess the girls were hungry as they both ate more than I thought they would . The funny thing is , we had just given them snacks before going over to the park area , and Jackie especially ate a good portion at snack time . The girls cleaned up and brushed their teeth , and I then read them a story . Both of them were pretty tired , and very quickly were asleep . I guess the activities at the CDC and then over at the park burned off a bit of their energy . Now that I have the camera working again , I will do my best to get some of the pictures posted in the next day or two . Of course I have a bunch of other things I need to get done too , so I don 't know if I 'll have the time for a day or two . Trying to finalize the trip to Livermore is moving along , but it requires attention to make sure things do happen . Thank you , or all your continued support and prayers - it is definitely helping to get us to where we need to be . Take care and stay positive . Today was a good day , and a not so goo day . . . The good was that we had a great time with the girls , I made pancakes for breakfast , and was totally surprised by how much Stacy can eat . I already knew that Jackie has a healthy appetite , but usually Stacy doesn 't eat that much . Maybe it is because of the pancakes . She ate almost as many as Jason . It has been the first time I 've made pancakes in a while ( maybe four months ) and they did come out particularly good this time . Not sure what I did differently . . . ; - ) After breakfast we jumped into the van and headed over to the park , to meet with Anthony Netto . He was at Balboa Park ( the Malory Sports area ) , where there was a bunch of archery going on . He had set up a time for Jason to get some shots in , and of course , since I was there I took a few shots as well . Anthony brought along another paramobile for Jason to ride and both the girls got to jump on to the back and were standing there while Daddy took a few shots . Actually it was kind of funny to watch Jason attempt to aim his arrow and then Jackie start jumping up and down on the back of the paragolfer . The other archers were giving him a hard time and asking what was the matter and why was he taking so long to shoot . It was all in good fun , and the girls were enjoying it to . This is where the not so good news comes in - I was attempting to use my camera when it just simply decided to stop working . I have plenty of battery and all the settings were in the right place . I 'm going to have to take it to someone who knows a little more about it than I do . We got back to the house a little later than we wanted , so the girls had to have a quick lunch and then go down for their naps . It is really kind of amazing to me how well they do go down , and seem happy to take their naps . Most other kids I 've seen always want to stay up , even if they are very tired . They slept for a couple of hours and then got up . While they slept I did a couple loads of clothes , and even did a couple more before the day was done - now I have a bunch of folding to do . Finally , after dinner ( spaghetti and meatballs ) they went up for their bath . I called Grandma while they were in the tub and let her talk to them for a couple of minutes ( speaker phones are great ) . It is so good to hear Jackie talking as much as she does . You can only understand about half of what she says , but she just keeps on talking , and she is just as happy as can be . I put them to bed and then read them Goldie Locks and The Three Bears , then we all sang Itsy Bitsy Spider and they went to sleep . I threw the last load in the drier and then made sure Jason didn 't need anything . I came up here and got the blog out of the way before I went to bed . Tomorrow is an early day , so I need to get to bed early . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers and Take care and stay positive . Today started out very early , especially for the girls - We needed to get them to Stacy 's soccer game , and then found out after getting there that the game was actually a hour later . I ended up " running " around the field with the girls and we had a great time . The game started and Stacy kicked the ball right into the net , just a few minutes after getting on to the field . Of course , the level of play was very good , as all the players were either four or five years old , and their experience was limited . All the parents there had a great time and cheered on ALL the players and every score ( there were plenty ) . After the game we headed back to the house and the girls were happy to lay back down and they took a little nap . After getting back up , a little after noon , we went over to Anthony Netto 's place to have a BBQ , and got to visit with a couple of our other friends as well . We stayed for a couple of hours and then decided it was time to head on back home . There really wasn 't much else the happened today , except for the girls getting their bath . The reason this was " special " was due to the fact that Jackie has a bit of a skin condition that has been bothering her , off and on , for about a year or so . When I went to put the medicated lotion on her back ( after the bath ) it really looked good , and in fact I didn 't see much evidence of the irritation . I 'm hopeful that perhaps the lotion is really doing it job . There are a couple of other spots on her arms , but the ones on her back were the ones that bothered me the most . It was nice to NOT see them . Her arms are looking much better too . I read the girls a bed time story , and Jackie was actually asleep before I was done reading it ( Stacy picked out , " I Love You Stinky Face . " Tomorrow should be a more relaxing day , and we 're looking forward to just taking it easy . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers - Take care and stay positive . It was a good day for Jason as he finally finished up that neuro - psychology testing . He had a couple of other appointments , but they were much easier to deal with , and effectively in - and - out kind ' a appointments . We got up relatively early and had a quick breakfast , then we were off to the Naval Medical Center at San Diego ( that 's the official name of the hospital ) . After we came back to the house and had lunch , we had two visitors from NMCSD , Lus and Bobbie , two recovery case nurses . They wanted to see the environment at the house , and just a quick " get - to - know - you " kind of visit . Finally , a bit later , the girls showed up and we were happy to see them . They were happy to be home with Daddy and Papa , so it was a good night for everybody . I fixed hot dogs , beans and french fries for dinner and both the girls were very happy about that . Actually I was too , it is an easy dinner to pull together , and clean up is pretty easy . . . ; - ) Bath time was fun , and both of them were making quite the mess . I kept asking Jackie to stop dumping water outside the tub ( one of their favorite toys is simply a plastic cup ) , so she started dumping water on Stacy , and Stacy didn 't seem to mind at all . When I was getting the girls ready for bed I brushed Stacy 's hair , and kept telling her to stand still so that I could brush her hair . It quickly became a game for her and I kept telling her that if she kept dancing around her hair was going to get tangled and it was going to be difficult to brush out . I let her dance around all she wanted , and we finally got the hair brushed out - then I braided it . Linda told me to do that before putting her to bed , to help with getting her ready the next morning . It was time for bed so I read them a book , Cars , and it was nice because even Jackie is understanding what is going on in the story . Once the girls were taken care of I turned to Jason , as he wanted to take a shower . He was in the shower pretty quickly and the dressings were back on , and he was ready for bed . We both need to be up early tomorrow , to take the girls to soccer practice early in the morning . We were informed that practice starts at 07 : 30 so I need to get them up and fed by 07 : 00 . . . Should be fun . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support , and take care and stay positive . Trying to get Jason up to Livermore is becoming a bit of a challenge . Right now I don 't know if the flight is going to be coming through , and that means I need to attempt to get a different means of getting him up there . I like the idea of a motor home , as that will allow him to lay down , and we can stop as frequently as we need . Typically it is an eight hour or more drive from San Diego to Livermore , but that 's okay we can do that . We need to be up there , so how ever we end up getting there , it is going to be worth the effort . Jason only had two appointments today , with the first one being the optometrist . Normally that wouldn 't be too bad , except they dilated his eyes , and right after that appointment he had to go attempt to finish up the testing . He said he had a heck of a time because he had to keep his sunglasses on . I thought he was just being " cool " and he thought he was a sharp dressed man ( ZZ Top ) . We went to In and Out Burger for lunch . We had a gift card so we decided to use it . I think all Jason really wanted was a chocolate shake . The rest of the day was spent at the house and we just kind of relaxed and took care of a few little things . The girls are supposed to be coming over tomorrow , so I need to make sure the house is in order , before they get here . Then I need to figure out what to fix for dinner . . . assuming that I will be cooking dinner for them . Then , again , I may only need to fix dinner for Jason and I . Tomorrow we have some more appointments to get to , but generally a relaxed day . Thank you , for all the prayers and continued support . Take care and stay positive . Another day , another appointment - Actually , Jason only had the one appointment today , and it went for almost four hours . It was supposed to go eight , but because he can 't stay in his chair that long they cut it in half . Or , at least that is what I was told originally . I spoke with Jason after we got back home and he said they only got about a third of the way through the testing . I really don 't know what it is they are testing , other than neurological activities , and it is comprehensive ; and , he doesn 't look any worse for the wear when he 's done with it . I suppose they will be able to direct some part of the recovery with the results , but my guess is that it won 't be announced until sometime this summer . The plans are well under way for our trip up to Livermore . The one missing piece is the transportation , once we get there . I think I have located a wheelchair accessible van , for our use , however we need to secure a couple of other things first . My guess is that it will suddenly all come together just before we leave the house , or maybe even just as we arrive at Livermore . I spent a good part of the afternoon cleaning up around the house . The floors are a lot cleaner now , and the laundry is done . I won 't have to do that stuff again for at least another two days ( or maybe at most ) . I think Jason and I are getting settled in pretty good now , and that feels good . Once I get my bicycle down here I 'll be able to get out and do some riding again , and then I 'll be happy . Just a quick post for tonight , as there really wasn 't much going on today . Jason had a couple of appointments and one errand to take care of , but otherwise we spent the day at home . No change to his health status ( nor mine ) , and we are going to be working to get things together to help insure we do get back up to Livermore by the 21st . The challenge I have right now is with transportation , once we get there . Jason needs a specialized wheelchair - van , just to get around town in . I have one here , but at present , I don 't plan to bring it with me . Tomorrow I will be contacting a few places in the Bay Area and hope to hit something , we 'll just have to continue to take it , one day at a time . Other than doing some cleaning and putting things away , and then preparing meals , I have had a relatively easy day . Tomorrow might be a bit more exciting , we 'll just have to wait and see . As an aside , I did speak with an Andrew Ross , today . He is a reporter with the San Francisco Chronical , and he is developing a story that he wanted to collect some data on , and he thought I could help . I don 't want to spoil it so that is all I 'm going to say right now , but I will say he found me as a result of some of the other print that is out there . A bit of a laid back day today , though we started out a bit different . Since the girls spent the night with us we had to get them up early , to get them over to their day care , at the Child Development Center ( CDC ) . The reason we had to get them up early was because Jason had a formation , and that was also early , and then later he was to go to an appointment . Well , this is how it actually went - - - We got up and got ourselves ready then woke up the girls . Jackie was already awake , so she was easy , Stacy , on the other hand doesn 't like to get going in the morning ( not a morning person ) . She did see how much fun we were having with Jackie and soon was up and wanting to play , too . We all loaded up into the car and we dropped Jason off then dropped the girls off . Not too much of an issue as the girls are quite comfortable with their CDC classrooms , and they know they 'll be picked up later in the day . Once that was done Linda and I hurried back over to the house to pick up her luggage so she could get to her flight on time . The time issue was more a result of the fact that we were headed back to pick up Jason and then we were going to breakfast . One of the things Linda wanted to do when she came down this time was to go out to a breakfast meal , at least once , while she was here . She ended up staying one extra day and the opportunity finally presented itself . We went and picked up Jason , who was just leaving his gathering and we headed over to the Broken Yoke . It is a restaurant that we hadn 't been too in many years , and as it turned out , we were glad we finally did go . We walked in and the place was nearly empty . By the time we left it was nearly full . Breakfast was good , and we enjoyed each other 's company . We finished the meal and headed over to the airport to drop Linda off . Now Jason and I were on our way over to his appointment , and mine ( yeah , occasionally I have an appointment too ) . Jason 's appointment was over way before mine was and he was waiting for me . Kind of a turn about , but he didn 't have to wait too long . We headed back to the house and he took a shower ; I did his dressing change ; and , he got back in bed . I noticed the wounds are looking better , though one of them is still much larger than I would like to see . The rest are getting close to closing up , and then his body will be able to direct all its energy on that one remaining wound . Once that happens we can move on to another aspect of his recovery . We spent the rest of the day at the house . I made him some lunch ; he played some of his video games ; and he played with his new little pet . I put away dishes that Linda had washed the night prior and clothes that she had washed . Generally the house looks pretty good , I even put away stuff in the girls ' room , and I haven 't had to do that in a long time . Not too much else happened , other than dinner , and that was just left overs this time . Tomorrow we have another early start , but not as early as today , and a lot less hectic . Thank you , for all the support and prayers - take care and stay positive . Good day today . We started the day with the girls and we ended the day with the girls . Actually they were supposed to have gone back to their mom , but she asked us to keep them over night and to take them to the day care in the morning . Jason was more than happy to oblige , especially since both Grandpa AND Grandma were both still here . We don 't know why she wasn 't available , all we know is that we still have them and that is the bottom line . Another bonus for today was a visit from Joe and Terry A . , from Livermore . They are actually on their way back up to Livermore , from a vacation , and were able to take some time to stop by and visit . It was the first time for them to see Jason , in over four years and I think it was good for everybody to get some face time . Actually , a little later in the day we also had a visit from Gary K . , a good friend who is local here . We hadn 't seen him in almost 10 months , so all around it was a good day for catching up with friends , as well as things in general . Linda 's travel plans got a bit out of sync and she found out that a mistake had been made ( she made the mistake , so we can 't blame anybody else ) and she wasn 't going to be able to head back to the Bay Area until tomorrow morning , at the soonest . Then it wasn 't until late morning that a spot was open . Obviously there was good and bad to this as I was happy to have her stay around for another night ; the girls were happy to have her around for awhile longer ; Jason was happy to have her around a little longer ; however , now she had to scramble to cover her day care business . She has clients that depend on her being there , so they can drop off their kids and they can get to work . Linda worked some of her organizational skills and made some quick phone calls . Julie , our awesome neighbor will be able to open in the morning and Linda 's flight arrives early afternoon in time before the kids get out of school . Julie has helped us out a numerous times ( actually her entire family has helped us ) , and we owe her ( them ) big time . I was glad that about the only thing Jason did today was to get up and take a shower ( I did a dressing change ) then spent the rest of the time in bed . Considering how much went on over these past couple of days I was glad to see him take it easy . I was able to get some time to do a first round of clean in the backyard and patio area , and I figure it is only going to take me another 10 - 12 hours to get it back in shape . One of the disappointing things was that when I started cleaning up the backyard area I found tools for grilling . It seems they had been left out when Jason had left for Bethesda , and remained there until I brought them in today . As you might expect , there are signs of weathering . I think they are still usable , they 're just not as pretty as they used to be . Tomorrow Jason has a formation at 07 : 30 , and while he is doing that we ( Linda and I ) will be dropping off the kids at Day Care . We will attend to some appointments , and also get Linda over to the airport so she can get back up to Livermore . Not sure if we will be picking up the kids , but I guess it really doesn 't matter right now . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Got up this morning and had one of Jason 's favorite breakfasts . . . oatmeal with raisins and brown sugar . The girls like it too , so it was an easy sell . The only problem / challenge is that we need to get a pan that is the right size . Actually the pan I used was big enough , but I would have liked to have had a little more cushion , and not have to fill the pan completely . The next size up is about 8 quart , and that is just a bit too big , as far as I am concerned for cooking that much oatmeal . Then again , it could be just me . . . ; - ) We had a great day with the girls . We got Stacy 's trike out and she was happy with it , but then Jackie wanted to ride it too . Fortunately Linda brought a little scooter ( kind of a mini razer ) and Stacy was totally thrilled to have it to play with . This left the trike available for Jackie . Sounds good so far . . . as soon as we got out side , Jackie saw her old scooter ( 4 - wheeled ) and completely forgot about the trike and was happy to just scoot around on her own scooter . Fortunately neither of the scooters were particularly fast , and the backyard patio is limited in size , so there wasn 't too far that they could go . We got some pictures , and I still haven 't down loaded the camera , so I will get to it tomorrow , and post a few shots . Late in the morning we headed over to Anthony Netto 's as he invited us to come for a " picnic " and to grill some steaks and sausages . We also had some hot dogs for the girls , and from what I could tell , they must have liked them , ' cause all the hot dogs were eaten . There was another family there as well , though they didn 't stay very long . The daughter is a quadriplegic and Anthony was showing them the paramobile . She did really good considering that she had only been on it once before . She went for a stroll around the grounds with her dad and it was good to see the happiness in their faces as they took off . Anthony is doing a great service to help those injured and who have lost the use of their legs , to regain some of their life back . Jason got on to one of the other units and was moving about with it . By the time we had left I asked him if he was feeling okay , and he said he felt much better than if he had been in his power chair for the same amount of time . If any of you know of someone who might gain from a paramobile , please check out Anthony 's web site : standupandplay . org . Linda had actually came back to the house earlier and put the girls down for a nap . I brought them all back to the house and helped to get the girls down , then headed back to pick up Jason . We all took a little bit of time to just relax ( or sleep ) and enjoy the time to rest . Dinner was pretty simple , as we had some left overs , as well as being able to make up some sandwiches . There is a play kitchen for the girls to entertain with , so while dinner was being prepared Stacy was also " preparing " food . She was having a great time and Jackie was getting comfortable with the house again and playing with her books and dolls . Eventually they had to head up for their baths , and then shortly after they went to bed . We had a very good day . There was lots of sun ( and we had lots of sun block on ) and it was nice and warm . It wasn 't too hot and we had people to have fun with . We were thinking that perhaps next time we 'll be able to take the girls down to the water and let them play there , since it is basically a lagoon and the water is both calm and relatively warm . Thank you , for all the prayers and continued support . Take care and stay positive . Today started early for us , as there was a 07 : 30 formation , and then Jason had to attend some mandatory training . The training went on until nearly noon , so by the time we finally got out of there he had already been up in his chair for several hours . We headed over to the CDC ( Child Development Center ) and found out that all the kids were either down , or going down for their nap , and that both Stacy and Jackie were already asleep . It was a little disappointing , as we really did want to see the girls , but it worked out okay anyway . We headed back over to the house , and prepared some lunch . Linda cooked up some of the fresh vegetables we had received from Tom and Carol Lightner , and they were good . We ended up eating all the new potatoes and a bunch of the spinach and kale , that we made into some tasty veggie wraps . Just so that it wasn 't too healthy , I threw in some bacon . After lunch Linda took off for a trip to one or more of the thrift stores ( she loves walking around in those stores and looking for " gold nuggets " ) , and I waited for the shipment of Jason 's belongings from Bethesda to arrive . They showed up at a little after 14 : 30 ( 2 : 30pm ) and the guys in the truck were great . They helped to carry the new bed up the stairs , and the two sections of the bed ( an adjustable Temperpedic ) each weighed over 120 lbs . I would have struggled to get them up , if I had to do it on my own . The bed is together and works great , and we 'll be sleeping on it tonight . I still think I may have tweaked my back a little getting the old bed down , but with a good rest I 'm sure I 'll be fine in the morning . Once that was all done we began to put some of the stuff away when Jason was contacted and we found out that girls were coming over . They came over , just as I was able to get the old bed out into the garage , and it was wonderful seeing them . Jackie yelled out " Papa ! " and ran over to me , and gave me the biggest hug while Stacy jumped on Jason and then both of the girls ran over to Linda , saying , " Grandma ! " We had a great time with them , and they will be staying with us for the weekend . This is particularly good for Linda , since she is going to be going home on Sunday , after the girls leave . The plans for the trip up to Livermore are coming together , and it looks like we could be flying up , though a specific date has not been set yet . We hope to be able to bring the girls with us , but that still remains to be seen right now . All - in - all , today turned out to be a very good day indeed . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Jason had a pretty good day today , though he still did not get a chance to spend any appreciable time with his girls . The thought is that early next month there will be a decision made about custody and then he will know when he can have the girls , without wondering what is going on . When we have seen them at the Child Development Center ( CDC ) they seem to be in very happy spirits and are always very glad to see us . Jason took some pictures of them this last visit , and it made him feel pretty good . Jason had a couple of appointments today , with one of them being plastics and the other wound care . The plastics visit was simply an in and out kind of visit . It was a quick check and then off to wound care , must have taken all of 10 minutes . Wound care was another story . We arrived on time , actually a little early , and ended up sitting in the exam room for nearly an hour . The poor wound care nurse ( actually I think she is a nurse practitioner ) was really backed up with patients and she was on her own . Not sure why , but anyway it took awhile to get to our turn . She remembered Jason from when we were here last year , and she was impressed with what had been done . She was also sorry to see that the wounds were still in the healing mode rather than completely healed . I showed her the new products we were using and she was familiar with them , so that was a simple hand - off of sorts . They don 't have a bunch of the Hydrofera Blue right now , but that is okay because what we brought with us , and with what little they did have ( I now have it ) we should be okay until some is ordered . After the appointments we just headed back to the house and took care of a few of the little tasks that we have regularly around here , like cleaning up , laundry , taking care of his new pet , etc . It was just the two of us for most of the morning as I took Linda up to a dentist , Dr . Kevin Salgado , who has offered to provide dental care at no charge . He and his wife have a practice ( wife , Stephanie , is the hygienist ) and they came with a very strong endorsement from a friend who lives down here . Actually it was great timing as we had not been to a dentist in over two years ( no insurance coverage ) . When Linda did finally get back to the house she was very happy about the visit , and the work that was done . I will be going in next week or so . Jason will have to get up early tomorrow , as will I , for a 07 : 30 formation . Linda and I will take him and then probably go get some breakfast . Fortunately I don 't have to be with him for this activity . . . and in fact should not be with him as it is a pure Marine gathering . He has one appointment after that and then we will head back to the house , though we may go see the girls first . Later tomorrow , sometime after 14 : 00 ( 2 : 00pm ) we are supposed to receive the rest of the stuff shipped from Bethesda , mainly the paramobile . It will be good to see it back in his possession again , and at least here he can use it more freely . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . One heck of a busy day for Jason . We began with appointments and then visited with Stacy and Jackie at their childcare center . The girls were very excited to see us , and I did get some pictures ( to be posted tomorrow ) . We stayed for a little while , and were even invited to have lunch with them - tempting because they were having tacos - but we needed to get back to the house . Jason had been up for several hours by now , and he needed to get back down . It was so refreshing to see the girls and see how well Jackie is progressing . It can really be seen just how good the childcare environment is helping her develop . Stacy is getting so big and growing up so nicely . It was great seeing her in an outfit that Linda had purchased for her , and it fit her so nicely . Linda and I went to pick up a few things at the post office , mail packages that had come in . There was also a package from FedEx that Jason had been looking for . It was the one with his EOD painting and his award for crossing the Equator , while he was out on the MEU ( Marine Expeditionary Unit ) . There is a big tradition in the Navy for crossing the Equator and Jason felt that this was something very special for him so I was glad to see it come in . The EOD painting was an original , done just for Jason , so that made it pretty special for him also . Anyway , they 're both here now and he can relax a little about them . Looks like we will be able to get back up to Livermore a little later this month . I am working with a couple of other folks right now who are helping with the transportation needs . A direct drive up to the Bay Area is just about out of the question right now . It would probably take us two and a half days to get there from here , as we would be stopping frequently . There are a bunch of folks who are anxious to see Jason , and we expect that there is going to be a good time when we get there . The unfortunate side is that he won 't be able to get back into our home , as there would be far too much needed , in the way of modifications , to allow it to happen . Eventually , Jason will be needing to build his own home , and that 's where he will be able to live , as comfortably as anybody else . There have been a few discussions about what he plans to do over the next couple of years , so when this is all finally settled he will be in his own home , going to work , and being a part of middle America , just like Linda and I . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . Today did not go as we would have liked it to go , but we are still moving forward . Jason is still looking forward to having his girls spend some time with him , in his own home , but for now we must wait a little longer . There was a meeting today , and as far as I am aware , it went about as smooth as one might expect , considering the subject and the attendants . The out come was supposed to be an agreement for time sharing of the girls , but it didn 't happen . Jason had one appointment today , and a formation . Actually , it was the other way around , and Linda and I simply waited until he was done . We got back to the house and did a little cleaning and fixing some snack , I was getting hungry , then Linda and I went up stairs . The meeting took place , and we were not invited , as we really didn 't need to be there . Actually , I 'm not really sure how many people were there , but I think it was either seven or eight , and they stayed for about an hour . After they left Jason got back into bed and rested . Linda fixed him a sandwich and a bowl of soup , and then Linda and I went off to Trader Joe 's to pick up a few things . I wish we could shop there all the time - they have some very nice things . The rest of the day was spent visiting with some friends and taking care of phone calls and emails . Tomorrow Jason has a couple of appointments , and we 'll be meeting with his Recovery Care Coordinator to see what the plans are for the next few months . We also found out that he has a " new " primary doctor , so we 're hoping to meet him and see what his thoughts are . Otherwise , that is pretty much it for today , so I would like to thank you , all for your continued support and prayers being sent our way . Monday , after a holiday ( even Easter ) that happens on the weekend , for the military , usually ends up as a day off . It is usually referred to as a 96 , meaning that they all have at least 96 hours off , or four days . Obviously the guys really enjoy this break , because it gives them enough time to go do something a bit more off the " normal " routine of a regular weekend , and they often come back either very tired or refreshed . In Jason 's case , it is going to be more of the refreshed variety . We ended with today pretty much staying at home and Jason staying down . He spent a few more hours than he would normally spend , due to visiting with friends , and this was all good for him , spiritually and mentally , though it took its toll physically . I was glad that he spent the day in bed and got the rest he needed . His wounds are getting to a point where there is good healing going on , and I would like to see that continue , so I 'm going to be nagging him a bit more the next couple of days to stay down more , though he usually is pretty good about it anyway . Tomorrow starts with a very early appointment ( 07 : 30 ) and then we 'll head back to the house . There are a couple of other things he wants to get accomplished , and then back to laying back down and relaxing again . I mentioned earlier that he had gotten himself a new pet , and it has given him something to focus on , besides the video games , TV and movies . I think this is going to be good for him , and it is a relatively easy chore that give him the feeling of accomplishment . Thank you , for all the continued support and for the continued prayers . |
Seven years ( and one minute ) ago today I was a Strong , Highly - Intelligent , Confident , Kind / Caring / Loving , Financially Stable , Fun - Loving , Independent , Ambitious and Proud , Optimistic / Hopeful / Positive Woman . I was a bit guarded , scared of being hurt , but at the same time open to the possibilities that life would give me . I went out lots , dancing , drinking , laughing , and having fun . I was free , I came and went as I wanted , the only obligation I had was a fat diabetic cat . Today , I am broken . I feel like I am an alien compared to that woman who 7 years ago today went out with a friend & that friend 's work friends , hoping to have a good time , not knowing that my life would be completely and utterly changed after that night . I know that I am still emotionally strong , if I wasn 't I wouldn 't have been able to make it through the last 10 months . I don 't always feel strong . There are days where it takes all my strength just to make it through the day , but I keep going . I feel like I should be fighting harder for my boys , but don 't know how . Physical strength - that is gone , I used to bench more than my weight but due to my illness , I have lost a lot of physical strength , and it is worrisome how quickly I become tired carrying the 2 boys in my arms . Still I am lucky , I am sure that my Doctor will get things worked out , and even though I am weaker than I was , I am still able to push that double stroller of boys over 3 km / day , still able to play with the boys , still able to do 4 loads of laundry a week , still able to get things done . I am back in the office in a week . So not ready . BBJ1 starts his daycare transition today , so I have one week to do everything that is impossible to do with them , and one week to get my fucked up head in place , not feeling confident about the outcome . There is a bunch of home stuff that I plan on doing , and even more that I would like to do , but won 't / can 't . I 'm planning on doing a thorough cleaning , cleaning the oven ( hasn 't been done in years ) , pulling out the fridge and cleaning under it , that type of stuff . Plan on installing a blind in the boys room . Need to sort through their clothes and move stuff to storage . I had been planning on painting the boys room this week , but that won 't happen because there is still some extra furniture in there that I can 't paint around . I need to pull together some sort of wardrobe for work , none of my work clothes are even close to fitting me . I had expected that once I started my thyroid meds that I would gain back some weight but that hasn 't happened . Might end up doing some sewing to try and put some stuff together . I need to put some space in my head to fill with work , but I don 't know if I can . This last week has been really tough in so many ways , with the boys , with money , but the worst is that I have been dwelling in anger , and sadness . In some ways being on mat leave when my marriage crumbled was the worst timing ( money & being alone with the boys 24 / 7 ) , but at the same time if one day at 2pm I lost it , I could just sit on the floor in the kitchen and cry ( I tried to limit this as I know it isn 't great for the boys ) , but it is not ok to do that at work . I 'm hoping that I get lots done , but mostly hoping that the boys have a good week . While exHusband & I were together , I didn 't feel attraction to other men . I would see an attractive man and think that they were good - looking or had a nice build , but I wouldn 't feel that pull , that HMMMM that you get when you 're attracted to someone . For the first while after he left , I didn 't notice any different . That has changed . There has been a few lately , sharing an elevator with the cu - tie after my therapy session , on the subway the other day , at the hospital yesterday , and at the park today . All good - looking , and all a bit of a hmmm . Right now , I 'm really tight for money . I have June 's rent in the bank , but that is it . BBJ2 's daycare is payed until the end of May , BBJ1 's is not paid and I need to put a deposit & his first week down a week tomorrow . There should be some money coming in , but I can 't count on anything until the 15th of June . This morning I was chatting with my step - mom and we were talking about the toughness of being alone without having geographically close support for helping with day - care drop - off / pick - up or when one of the boys are sick , etc . I mentioned that I was probably going to try to find someone in the building who could do mornings with the boys . My idea is that when I leave in the morning , I could drop them off ( or the care - giver could come here ) , and the care - giver would give them breakfast , get them dressed and take them to day - care . When I was talking about it I said that I was going to wait until I was back at work and had a couple of pay - checks in . Close to bed - time , BBJ2 was nursing himself to sleep when he started crying then pulling off and then nursing again . After a few times , I switched sides thinking that might be the problem , although he normally just bites me when he wants to switch . When I switched him , I noticed a red mark on his cheek , but just thought it was from the pressure against my arm . Then he pulled off and cried again and I noticed his entire cheek on the other side was red . I have been thinking about my PGrandma ( paternal grandmother ) a lot lately , and wishing that I could talk to her . She died when I was in 2nd grade ( I think ) , so I didn 't really get to know her . I know that I loved her and she loved me . Her death was the first time I questioned God . I was angry that she was gone , and who else was there to blame ? I remember when I was young wanting to have breasts . My friend and I used to do the " I must , I must , I must increase my bust " exercises , to no avail . When we started 6th grade , one of the girls had grown a pair , a substantial pair , over the summer and I was jealous as was pretty much every girl in our class . ( Years later , there was a rumour that she was stuffing , I have no idea if this was true or not , but when I heard it I felt a little satisfied ) My interpretation of Mother 's Day is that it is a day designated for people to show appreciation to the people who have mothered them . Mother 's do so much for their children everyday , often putting aside their own needs and wants . For a long time the children are too young to give formal appreciation and don 't understand that their mother needs or wants to be appreciated . After much debate on nanny vs daycare centre vs at - home daycare , the boys will be attending a daycare centre ( the same one that BBJ1 attended prior to BBJ2 's birth ) , while I am at work . The daycare is wonderful and I know that both the boys will be happy there , will make friends , learn to socialize , and will learn so much . It will add about an hour to both ends of my commute , and it will be tough getting all 3 of us fed and ready and out the door , and it is not cheap , but I feel it is the best thing for my boys and therefore will hopefully tough it out . I have been writing about my life , how I feel , and what happens to me . It has been an outlet for all the stuff scrunched up inside me . I didn 't write to someone or for someone , and I was not trying to influence anyone . However , my words have hurt someone and for that I apologize . It was not my intention , but that was the impact of my words . I feel so sad for my boys , that they don 't have their Dad , who they love and want so much , with them . BBJ2 seems to be o . k . , he is only 10 months old and in just less than 4 months he will have spent half his life with Dad and the other half without . When he is with his Dad , he just melts into him and he doesn 't want to let go , however I don 't see any indications that it is a problem for him that Dad isn 't around all the time . I am guessing though , that at some point he will understand and want Dad around more , but he will be used to it . I hope that he will be o . k . BBJ1 is a whole different ball of wax . He is sad and angry . This morning he said he wanted Dad here , he wanted to go to the elevator and meet him , when I told him that Dad wasn 't here and wasn 't coming he became very angry and hit me . A phone call helped for a little while , but he brought it up again a few hours later . This last week was not a good week . BBJ1 misses his dad and is sad and angry . I miss my husband and am sad and angry . I broke a tooth . BBJ2 still doesn 't sleep enough . A family heirloom lamp was broken . I had PMS . It was my birthday . Everyone else 's needs come before mine . " No Regrets " How many times have you heard this ? I have heard it a lot lately and it bugs me . I don 't think that you should spend your life dwelling in your regrets . I do think that regret ( and remorse , and guilt ) have a purpose and that if you try to just go on with your life , ignoring the purpose of the feeling then you will spend your life mired in the muck . The feeling of regret has purpose , to act as a warning " don 't repeat your mistakes " , and to make amends for your mistake . Often making amends will help alleviate the bad feeling of regret . There is a wide range of things that we humans are capable of achieving and there is a wide range of harm that we humans are capable of perpetrating . The regret should relate to the action that was done , there should be no blanket statement that there are no regrets ( unless you live in some magical world where you can wave your fairy wand and change / fix everything ) . Would you tell a murderer that they should not feel regret ? I doubt it . Would you tell someone who dropped out of college that they should not feel regret ? Probably . I don 't think that everything in your life that doesn 't turn out perfect , should be regretted . I have had some really terrible hair - cuts , I didn 't dwell in regret , I just figured out how to deal with them - hats , head - bands , gel , etc . I regret being bitchy and mean when I was in high school . I don 't carry it around like a ball and chain , I can 't undo what was done . I did recognize how I behaved , I learned that it was a reaction to my own pain , and I stopped being that way and hurting people . I regret not standing up for myself in my marriage . There were times that I tried , but I gave up , and things got worse . I don 't believe that the outcome would have necessarily been any different , but I do believe that I would feel better about myself . I have been standing up for myself a lot more lately and calling mean / bad behavior when it occurs . I believe that in my next relationship I will be stronger and that may not work for the man , but since I am the only me I have , I need to take care of me . This is my best example of regret being a good thing . My Dad is an alcoholic and he was drunk for my childhood and my teen years . He loved me , and I saw him on a regular basis , this did not make him a good dad . He caused a lot of pain for a lot of people , people that he loved and who loved him back . The realization of the pain he caused - the regret - is part of what helped him become sober and emotionally healthy . He no longer causes pain , in fact he now has a career helping addicted youths in the criminal system . He is a loving and supportive father , husband , and friend . Of course he wasn 't able to undo the past , he wasn 't able to give me or my brother the childhood that we wanted , but he has made amends , and now we have real relationships . That is what regret is for , it is about taking your mistakes and learning from them and using them for good . I am suspicious of people who think that they can go through life and not have any regrets . It is possible that someone could live their entire life and never hurt another person and therefore not have a need to regret their actions , but I have never met someone who was so perfect . I know that I am not that perfect , I have done things that I have regretted and I have tried to learn , apologize and make amends where I could . I guess life would be easier if you didn 't regret anything that you did , but it would also be a lot more selfish . Good : I chopped off all my hair and have had rave reviews . I feel lighter and there is a lot less for BBJ2 to grab and pull . exHusband said that I am crazy if I think that he doesn 't ever want to be with me or that he doesn 't love me exHusband told me that he misses me everyday I was diagnosed with hyper - thyroidism ( this shows up in the bad list too ) , good because there is an explanation for a bunch of stuff going on . I have been having heart palpitations , anxiety attacks , and tremors for about 7 months and some pretty drastic weight loss . I had these things written off to post - partum hormones , being really active with 2 little kids while nursing , and going through a life - changing break - up . I have had this since at least the summer ( it is pretty common for it to take up to 2 years to be diagnosed because the symptoms are very common to other issues ) , and some of the symptoms may have created some issues in my marriage . Anxiety and irritablity and trouble concentrating are all symptoms and I have been having them for quite a while . My Doctor advised that even though my life may have given me reason to be irritable , that the sickness would have intensified it . Irritable , anxious wife does not equate to happy husband . I could go into a hyperthyroid coma , which is terrifying . I am alone with 2 little boys , what are they going to do if mom is suddenly passed out ? I don 't think that BBJ1 is ready to learn how to phone 911 , his phone conversations consist of Hi Daddy , Hi Daddy , Bye Daddy . The boys are going to be staying at their father 's for the first time this week - end , so I am sad . This will be the first time that either of them has spent a night anywhere but home since they came home from the hospital . I had always thought that their first over - night would be at a grand - parent 's home so that exHusband and I could spend some dedicated time fornicating . I realized that regardless of the fact that exHusband loves me with all his heart , and has a sexual obsession with me , and wants me to be his best friend , he doesn 't want to be with me now . I realized that exHusband is not going to deal with the issues that he has , and is not going to learn how to handle his fears and insecurities . He has big baggage , not carry - on , not regularly checked , but the kind where you have to go to that special counter . He can get lost in his fears , even when they are irrational . He absolutely believes untruths , even when shown evidence to the contrary . I can 't have a relationship with someone who doesn 't want what I want and who isn 't willing to get help when they so obviously need it . I need a partner , someone I can trust who will be there for me when I need them . Someone who will give me a big hug and let me soak their shoulder in my tears when I have just been diagnosed with a sickness . Someone who will understand how I am feeling and let me vent . Someone who will not get angry and bitchy when told the truth . So from now on my exHusband , is simply the father of my children . I will continue to do everything I can to ensure that my boys have a good and healthy relationship with their father . The only problem is that I don 't know how to do this . I don 't know how to just turn off my heart . It took me years to open my heart , I hope it doesn 't take as long to close it back up tight so that I will be safe again . He will climb anything . He will use a truck as the first step in climbing , trucks have wheels and will slip out from under you . He will drag furniture around to help him get up . He uses the stroller to take pictures down from the wall . He likes to stand with one foot on top of his brother 's crib and the other foot on the ladder to the bunk - bed - about 3 feet away . He thinks that the Diaper Genie is a safe climbing tool . One of his favorite things to do is to stand on the coffee table , on top of a pillow and then jump onto the couch . He throws himself back and forth on the couch , not caring that there is a glass topped coffee table a foot away . He will dive from anything to anything . He once took a dive from one end of the bed to the other end , smashing his face into the metal bed frame . He is currently obsessed with swords . The other day I was on the couch nursing BBJ2 , and BBJ1 was on the kitchen counter . I wasn 't worried , I just thought " great more flour to clean up " , forgetting that there was a big bread knife in the sink . He runs out from the kitchen , plants his feet and holds the knife just like a sword and yelled something . I made him a sword out of cardboard , but he rejected it and keeps asking for his sword . Anything he finds that could be used to swing around , he will . We 've been having curtain rod problems , so there has been a few of them hidden behind doors until they are re - installed . These are constantly being swung around and held while running . Today I broke a vase in the kitchen , when I was finished cleaning it up , BBJ1 took the vacuum so that he could clean the couch ( such a good boy ) . I was doing dishes when he started yelling for me , he had the vacuum hose stuck to his cheek . I turned the vacuum off to stop the suction , he had a fit , " put it back on mommy , need to clean face mommy , meanwhile he had a huge really red round mark on his face . He has had more split lips , bloody noses , and bumps on the head than I have had in my entire life . He does not care if his entire body , face and head are covered in any kind of disgusting goo , but he hates having the palms of his hands dirty or wet . If he falls down in the mud , he will try to get up without using his hands ( hilarious stuff , I have some great video footage ) . When he is eating , he will stop and ask for his hands to be cleaned so that he can continue . He generally doesn 't like getting things on the bottom of his feet . He is almost always barefoot at home ( his preference ) , and if he steps on a cheerio he will stop , hold his foot up until it is cleaned . He doesn 't like walking on sand barefoot . I 'm going surfing , someday . Recently on Twitter , BloggingDangerously tweeted the question " If you could be anyplace in the world for 2 weeks , where would it be ? " I responded " Hawaii so that I could learn how to surf like I have wanted to since I was a little girl " . It then kept popping into my head how I have wanted to do this for so long . I then realised that I don 't have any personal goals that are just for me and about me . I have the goal of raising my boys to be the best people they can be . I sometimes have career goals , but those are not real goals for me , they help me to keep going at my job . I have wanted to surf for ever . I love being in the water and I really love the ocean , I have been known to spend hours just floating in the warm salt water when I have been down south . I like to go fast ( ask almost anyone who has been in a car I was driving ) , and I have a bit of the daredevil in me , even though I often logic myself out of really risky stuff . Years ago when I pictured myself surfing I did picture myself in a bikini , but now after two babies and 2 c - sections , it might be a one - piece or a wet - suit . I also pictured myself single and hanging out dancing and drinking the evenings away , and it is quite possible that when I do get there that I might have 2 little boys in tow and maybe won 't be able to party all night . I 've always associated surfing with Hawaii , but maybe it will be California or Australia . It doesn 't matter if the picture of how I will look or who I am with , or where changes , it is the doing it that matters . So now I have a personal goal of going surfing . I have even started getting ready . About 7 years ago , I did some research on learning to surf and read that you should be in pretty good shape and be up to 100 push ups a day to handle all the dog paddling . So I have started a push up regimen . I am going to start paying attention and copying my son since he has great balance and recovery . I believe he gets his awesome physical abilities from me ( go ahead and disagree exHusband ) , and that I have just forgotten how to use my body as well as he does . I have been pretty lucky so far with the boys health . BBJ1 had runny noses when he was teething , but was pretty healthy the first year until he hit daycare . Within the first couple of months of starting daycare , he had croup , an ear infection , a cold , and one night of dreadful vomiting , other than that he has been healthy . During all of those sicknesses exHusband was here to share in the care - giving . We took turns taking time off work to be home with BBJ1 , even sometimes splitting the day . We both cleaned vomit , we both cleaned the nose , we both held him and rocked him to make him feel better - we shared the load . This is the first time that BBJ2 has been sick . It started with BBJ2 , and for the first 2 days , I could rarely put him down , he was either nursing or in my arms . Those days were exhausting , it is hard almost constantly holding the baby , while also trying to keep a toddler alive . Then BBJ2 started to get better , he was crawling around , but he still wouldn 't eat any solid food which means lots more nursing than normal . As BBJ2 was getting better BBJ1 started to become sick . I must say the kid is such a trouper , diarrhea & vomiting and not one complaint from him , just demands to clean the mess . He was exhausted , slept more than normal and was unbelievably calm . It was like a little holiday for me that made me very sad . I get scared when my kids are not feeling well . I was taking temperatures constantly . I was watching them like a hawk . There was more than once when I was on the verge of packing them up to go to the hospital or the pediatric walk - in clinic . There was no need to take them , they were just sick , but it really freaks me out when they are not o . k . I was also exhausted . The first night of BBJ2 's sickness , I didn 't sleep and he barely slept , I don 't remember if the sleep got any better for the following nights . Diaper changes were occurring about 4 times more frequently than normal . I had to do laundry so that we would all have clean sheets in our beds , then had to laundry the next day so that they would have clean pajamas , they were going through them so fast . I was constantly trying to clean everything to make sure that the germs weren 't going back in to them . Then I got hit with it , just as they both were through the worst of it . Bloody rough . Most of yesterday I was fighting to not pass out and leave the 2 of them fending for themselves . BBJ1 was now fully recovered and was jumping on me , on my nauseous belly , and would not calm down . I tried explaining that mommy was sick like he had been - he did not give a rat 's ass . I know that if I wasn 't a single mother , it still would have been hard dealing with all of the sickness , but I missed having that in person second opinion ( I think that it is pretty hard to understand how sick someone is by text message ) , I missed having an extra pair of hands to help with the heavy lifting , I think the boys missed having the second person to hug , while I was busy with the other one . The being sick myself is completely different without a partner , I remember exHusband staying home from work when I was on mat leave with BBJ1 when I was really sick , so that BBJ1 would be taken care of properly and so that I could recuperate better . There are so many things that happen to us , so many people who touch us , and so many things we choose to do / feel / think that make us who we are . Many of these things are small things , having a mom who gives you lots of hugs and reads to you every night , having a brother who calls you thunder thighs , or having nice friendly neighbors . Some are really big things that have a huge impact on you , this is the first big thing that happened to me , that shaped a lot of how I think and feel . My first divorce happened when I was about 7 . Being young , I had no clue about relationships and how they work . My parents didn 't fight - there was one loud argument shortly before the split - but that is it . My Dad wasn 't around a lot , he worked long hours , traveled on business , and partied ( I didn 't know that at the time ) . My mom was a stay - at - home mom so she was there all the time . I don 't remember much at all about the break - up . I have one memory of me running through the house crying . I remembered the running & crying , my Dad filled in for me that it occurred when my mom and dad explained to my brother and I that they were splitting up . The immediate impact was that Dad was gone , and Mom , Brother & I moved . My best friend was my next door neighbor , and while we were still going to the same school , it was different . My mom 's parents became even less visible after the break - up - they did not approve of divorce . My dad 's mother was just as visible but pretty much only with my mother ( she disapproved strongly and blamed it on her son ) . I had two homes ( sort of ) . I had to split all holidays between two parents . Shortly after my parents split up , my father moved in with another woman , who I suspect ( but have no evidence for ) he was seeing before the break . So I had a step - mother and she wasn 't fun . We got to do lots of fun stuff with Dad , DisneyWorld , a trip across the country , we went to nice restaurants and shows , but we also were driven around by a drunk driver , exposed to lots of very loud yelling matches , and saw things thrown at people in anger . We were emotionally manipulated and there was anger directed at us by our step - mother . They broke up about 15 years later , shortly after that my father stopped drinking , met a lovely woman who is now my step - mother and they are great . My mother raised us in a village of her friends , we often were at fun activities with her friends and their children . My mom 's life was not easy . She went back to work after a decade of being at home . She tried to give us all the stuff we wanted and tried to compete with what my dad was able to do with us , but she ended up having to declare bankruptcy and we had to move to a cheap apartment building . The change in neighborhood and school was like landing on the moon . I had to toughen up and get street - smart really quickly . I always knew stuff about my parents and their divorce that any expert today says a child should never know . I used to carry my Dad 's support cheques home from visits . I knew that the support wasn 't enough . I heard bad stuff spoken about both of my parents , not really bad stuff , but not nice . I was torn apart . I loved both of my parents and wanted to be with both of them . The two houses had different rules and different atmospheres so I was constantly adjusting to what were supposed to be my homes . I didn 't always want to go to my Dad 's , I liked mom 's and my friends were there , but I had no choice . Sometimes I wanted to be at Dad 's , cooler toys , and even though my Dad was a drunk I loved him . My parent 's divorce changed me from being a care - free little girl into a cautious , scared too grown - up little girl . My parent 's divorce and the scars it gave me is why I chose not to settle for the wrong Mr . Right . Why I chose to wait to get married until I found the one person I knew I could love and trust my whole life . When exHusband and I were almost living together we discussed that we both wanted a dog , I hadn 't had a dog in years and exHusband had recently lost his dog . One day we were out shopping and stopped in the pet store , they had beagle puppies ( exHusband had always wanted a beagle ) . The puppies were cute , I asked to hold one , he licked my nose , and that was that . Dog came home with us . He was so cute , I don 't think that there has ever been a cuter dog . He was really sweet . We loved him . We tried to train him , but we failed . We never got him house - trained . It was terrible . We tried crate training but too late and not consistently enough . I tried a bunch of The Dog Whisperer 's stuff and it helped a bit but it was hard . He was a barker , not the when left alone he barks the whole time barker , but the excited barker and the if anyone is in the hallway or stairwell barker . He had tons of energy and wanted to play all the time . He jumped up on people . He was a garbage hound , he would eat anything he could get , he ate the most beautiful chicken sandwich that exHusband had made for himself , right off the table . He ate chicken bones and broken light bulbs , which resulted in vet visits and disgusting messes . We loved him . BBJ1 came along and we were really nervous about the dog . He was very energetic , he was a jumper and didn 't seem to have any control over himself when he was excited . When we brought BBJ1 home from the hospital , it was amazing , he was a totally different dog . He was very protective over the baby , on day 1 , he actually barked at exHusband the first time he held the baby , in front of Dog . He was calmer and just all around better . We loved him . As BBJ1 became older and more mobile , there was a bit more of his old behavior coming through . I was pretty frustrated with him . Having your baby crawl into a puddle of dog urine is not good . BBJ1 was not a great sleeper and the dog would always start whining or barking just when I got him down , waking him up . It was also a big pain having to take him out with the baby in the winter , and the timing of needed walks often coincided with BBJ1 sleeping . We loved him . I went back to work and while the behavior didn 't change it wasn 't as noticeable of a problem . We were all out all day , so it was just evenings and week - ends that we were all together . And there was an awesome benefit of having a garbage hound when you have a baby then toddler eating , I didn 't need to sweep up all of the dropped / spilled / thrown food because the Dog would get it . We loved him . Then BBJ2 came home . When that happened , BBJ1 and I were at home full - time . Things were not good . Once again Dog became very protective over the baby against everyone else . BBJ1 was not good with Dog , he chased the dog , grabbed the dog 's tail , hit the dog , tried to ride the dog , etc . Dog reacted badly to BBJ1 . He didn 't hurt him but he was growling at him , and did snap at him . We were done . My mother took him to try and find a home ( a childless home ) for him . She wasn 't successful and Dog was being aggressive with her dog , so he went to the humane society . I wrote a very honest letter about him , about how sweet and loving he is , how he needs lots of attention and exercise and that he should not be around young children . He was adopted . For a very long time ( before the aggression to BBJ1 ) I felt like I failed with Dog . I really felt that if I could have been more consistent and sterner and and and , that he would have been a better dog . I don 't feel that anymore , I think that he was a great dog , but not for our family . We still miss him , and still love him . I know that I am not ready to date . I know that if I went on a date I would be completely pathetic and the poor sucker sitting across from me would run to the nearest monastery and never date again . I know that if I went on a date , I wouldn 't be cute & funny & playful . All that said , I got an email from match . ca and clicked on the link , I was curious . So anyway , I clicked on the link and was taken to the registration for the dating service . It asked me all kinds of questions about myself and then it started to ask me questions about the person I wanted to date . Salary range , ethnicity , job , physical characteristics , etc . I kept putting them all as " no preference " . I had no idea what I would want and it just seemed so wrong . It doesn 't matter how much money someone makes or if they are an artist or an ad exec . It doesn 't matter if someone is blonde or slender . It matters that you get along with the person , it matters if they appreciate you , it matters if they make you laugh , it matters if they laugh at your jokes , it matters if when you hold their hand you feel safe like that hand will stop all the bad things in the world from happening to you , it matters that when you kiss them you feel like you are home . - Came home more tired than before I left . Couldn 't sleep on the plane even though I was in Executive Class with the fancy full bed / seat . Stuck at a Holiday Inn next to a theme park during a week that was a school break , so there were children running up and down the halls screaming and laughing , and I think my hotel room was haunted . Again on the plane home couldn 't sleep . - I got drunk on a glass and a half of wine . I 've been pretty much pregnant or nursing ( or both ) for over 3 years now , so my tolerance is a bit low . I did not make a fool of myself - so that was good . What happens if I have a heart attack or fall down and crack my head open ? The boys don 't know how to use the phone properly yet . There isn 't someone coming home from work in a couple of hours to find me . No one will know . What if the pizza delivery guy is a crazy pervert ? I know the odds of this happenning are very very low , but it wasn 't something I needed to worry about a few months ago . I just remembered how terrible dating is . On the subway yesterday , I saw a man that for some reason reminded me of a guy that I brought home once . He didn 't stay long , thankfully , because he scared the crap out of me . He kept saying strange things about being dangerous , and I was completely creeped out by him . I was convinced that he was involved in some scary stuff . And then I got a bit mad , why didn 't he steal me and sell me into the sex trade , what , I wasn 't good enough ? In the end I decided that he was just some lame guy who believed that women like bad boys , so he was trying to be a bad boy , but in a really bad way . It took over 2 months with one of ex - boyfriends before I was sure that we were dating and not buddies . We kept going out , but so often one of his buddies would be with us , we always did fun stuff , always in casual clothes . I was never sure if he was just a new friend or a new boy - friend . Turned out he was the latter , he was taking his time , and sometimes taking your time with a woman can be a good thing ! ! There was the guy that I sat in Fran 's with until 4 in the morning , drinking coffee and maple syrup , we laughed almost continuously , flirted non - stop . We had worked together for a while before this first date , so we knew each other , and it didn 't feel like a first date . At 4am , we ended up heading back to my place , as he was too tired to drive himself home way out beyond suburbia . He slept on the couch , not even a kiss , and he farted loudly and smellily all night . My body made people . What could be better than that ? My children were created from my body . Sure exhusband contributed some DNA , but my body made them . I think of it like exhusband and I were co - architects , he contributed some of the design plans to the babies , but my body took the plans , found the materials , and constructed them . Not only did my body make the babies , it also provided their only sustenance for 6 months . ( I am discounting the 2 ounces of formula that BBJ1 was given while in the NICU , the night he was born . I always feel bad that he had any formula , but he was born 5 . 5 weeks early by an emergency c - section and I didn 't know what I needed to know . ) Both of my boys were exclusively breast - fed for their first 6 months and both continued to breast - feed after starting solid foods . So until they reached 6 months they were completely manufactured by my body . AMAZING ! Breast - feeding was fairly easy for me , I didn 't go through all the pain and trauma that so many other mothers go through . The only pain I ever had was from pumping or from biting . Even how my body provided milk was pretty amazing . BBJ1 breast - fed whenever he wanted until he was one and went to daycare . He would breast - feed in the morning when he woke up and as soon as we got home from work / daycare , and again before bed . Here is the amazing thing , on week - ends he would nurse more often and my body still had milk for him . My body also hugs my children , dances with my children , carries my children , lifts them up , lets them fly , plays with them , sees their beauty , hears their voices , smells their yumminess , talks to them , holds their hands . I measure my value by feedback I receive from other people . Most of the time , I discount any praise but take any criticism at 100 % . I don 't know how to measure myself just for me based on my own opinion . I see myself as a reflection of how I think others see me . I measure my competence against other peoples accomplishments . I have a huge connection between my physical appearance and my self - worth . I have rarely thought that I was beautiful . There have been many times in my life when people have told me that they thought I was attractive and I didn 't believe them . When my father tells me I am beautiful , I think " he has to say that , that is what fathers tell their daughters " . When men in bars told me I am beautiful , I would think " he just wants to get laid " . It took quite a while before I believed exhusband thought I was beautiful , but I often thought he was crazy . I did believe him , our marriage was one of the only times in my life where I felt consistently o . k . about my looks , I saw a reflection of myself that was beautiful when I saw him looking at me . Right now I am having trouble looking in a real mirror and seeing that beautiful person . Most of the time , I know that I am intelligent . This is probably one of the characteristics that I value the least , even though it is one of the positive ones for me . When I was young , in primary school , intelligence was not valued by my schoolmates . The children that received good grades or who knew the answers were picked on . I very quickly picked up on this and stopped raising my hand and did not publicize my grades . I often refer to myself as stupid , although that is generally because I have done something stupid , which most often happens when I react without thinking . I have done more stupid things over the past few months then is normal . I was reacting on emotions instead of thinking things through . I often compare myself negatively to other women who appear to accomplish so much compared to me . I have a friend who went through law school while married to a very busy man and with 4 children . I was in awe of how she could juggle everything . There are so many women at my company who have successful careers while raising children , having hobbies and volunteering at charities and I always think " wow , I am barely keeping my head above water with the little that I have " . My mother raised my brother and I while working , volunteering , having an active social life , and helping her elderly parents . I found it a struggle to be at home with one baby , a struggle to be working with one baby , and a struggle to be home with two babies . How will I manage working with two little guys ? I struggle with being a mother , a good mother . I 've read tons of books about raising children , spent tons of time looking for parenting advice on the net . I try to apply that information with the boys , I try to be the mom that I think my boys deserve . Very often though , I am chastising myself for not being good enough , for making mistakes . If I think about it and try to be honest with myself , I know that I am not as pathetic as I often feel I am . I know that I am not ugly or fat , I know that I am doing a decent job raising my two boys , I know tPosted by I wish that I was able to take a year to travel and find myself . I really love to travel , to see different things , to experience different cultures , meet interesting people , and to eat . I have never been able to meditate ( I 'm great at doing the yoga poses - very flexible ) , but I cannot get my mind to shut up . I thought I knew how to love , but I 'm no longer sure . I so badly want a Balinese Medicine Man to read my palm . That isn 't going to happen , I don 't have a year of travel money socked away and I have 2 little boys that need to be taken care of . Eat I know lots of people who eat when they are stressed , I don 't , I stopped eating . At first I couldn 't eat , I felt nauseous all the time . I did eat a bit , but it was just enough to make sure I didn 't faint on the kids . I started to eat more after my mom reminded me that I was nursing . After the nauseousness went away I still wasn 't eating lots and that is part of my crazy . I totally connect being thin with being attractive and worthwhile . When exHusband broke up with me , I instantly went into a really bad place where I felt like I must be ugly , mean , terrible , stupid , etc . How could I be anything but all around terrible , if I wasn 't , he wouldn 't have left me . I know this isn 't true , but it is what crazy does to me . But here is the really bad thing , I like being thin again , I haven 't been this thin in a really really long time . The crazy in me makes me think that if I am thin , then maybe I am o . k . However , the last time I was this thin , I was young and had lots of collagen in my body , and I hadn 't recently had a baby . So I 'm thin but now I have this extra skin on my belly and my face looks a bit older . For a huge part of my life I didn 't think that I would ever love . I was so terrified of being left , of being hurt , that I wouldn 't let myself love . Over time I knew that I needed to change and not be scared or I would be alone for ever . I didn 't plan on falling in love with my exHusband , it just happened and I couldn 't stop it , and I didn 't want to . It was the most fantastic thing to be in love with someone who I felt loved me back . I don 't know if I will be able to do it again . Time will tell . All these little moments are so important , they let me know that my children love me and trust me , they let me know that my children are happy , these are the moments that are really important . I hope that I am able to always recognize the little moments and be present with my children during them . I think that these little moments are what really makes the relationship , not the big stuff . I 'm at the end of my rope . BBJ2 's sleeping pattern is too much to handle right now . I am contemplating " sleep training " but don 't think I should ( I don 't think it is the correct thing to do for a baby ) or that I can . I did not do sleep training or crying it out with BBJ1 . I received lots of suggestions to let him cry it out which always included examples of success stories , but exhusband and I did not think it was the right thing to do for our baby and toughed it out . He didn 't sleep through the night until he was 1 and at daycare . He was able to fall asleep without nursing , if exhusband put him down by holding him and swaying while singing to him . He is now able to put himself to sleep without any ' crutches ' . This time is tougher , I now have 2 boys to take care of all day , no chance for a nap ( BBJ1 almost never naps ) , and I think that BBJ2 's sleep pattern is worse . So , I have been researching , looking for a magic bullet . One of the things I keep reading is " children need to learn how to put themselves to sleep " " this is a skill they need to learn to become adults " , o . k . this may be true , but when ? My child will need to drive one day but I 'm not going to give him the keys to the car when he is 4 . My boys will need to take the subway by themselves at some point , I 'm not going to send them off with their tokens just yet . People need to eat solid food , but you don 't give a one month old a steak . Most people seem to understand that children need to be introduced to different things at the appropriate age , and you can often tell the appropriate age by watching your children . It seems like the one exception to this is sleeping . If your baby can 't put them - self to sleep , maybe they are not ready , maybe they still need you to parent them . If your baby is crying , they need something , why is it o . k . to deny a helpless innocent child something they need , because it is inconvenient to you ? Parents don 't deny their babies a clean diaper or food when the baby is hungry . So the crying might not be due to a physical requirement , it may be emotional but so what ? If you were crying about something for 20 minutes and your spouse was in the next room and didn 't come and give you a hug how would you feel ? Regardless of my feelings on sleep training , I have tried a couple of things along the lines of sleep - training over the last two days , with no success . I have put BBJ2 in his crib when I know that he is tired , but he is awake . This results in either him crying immediately or him standing up and " calling " out . Last night I put him down and left him , I made it one minute before I had to go get him . I was balling my eyes out . I was crying for a few reasons ; 1 . for myself - so tired - so frustrated BBJ1 was funny tonight . He had a late afternoon nap , falling asleep in the stroller when we went to the drugstore . I had to wake him up for dinner and he was grumpy at the time . We had roast beef , mashed potatoes , vegies and gravy . He said " no , I want lunch from the cupboard " , I went through everything in the cupboard , and he said no to everything . He then requested waffles , so I made the waffles and presented them to him and I received this response " I want more , I want more " . I asked " more what ? " , " more " . This went on for quite a while until he came up with " candy , I want more candy " . From this point on he was just funny . I was in the bedroom putting on BBJ2 's pajamas . BBJ2 was wailing ( tired and teething ) . BBJ1 walks in and says " what is going on in here mom ? " in this totally serious and stern voice . He was eating these gummy candy things that came in a cup . He removed them from the cup and they were stuck together in one huge lump . He was standing on the coffee table while I was nursing BBJ2 . I requested one of his candies . He took the lump of candies , hid it behind his back and said " I am putting them away now " , again in a very serious voice . Later while I was trying to put BBJ2 down , BBJ1 came in and was playing with the candies , I took one and put it in my mouth . He gave me a funny face , held out his hand and said " my candy , I need that back " , so I took it out of my mouth and returned it to him . He inspected and then said " OK " and put it down . I 'm trying to build a milk supply for BBJ2 for when I need to go out and for my upcoming trip to London . The supply in the freezer is growing , but not at the rate I think is necessary . I am hoping that there is someone reading this who can offer some help / feedback . I really only try to pump when he is a asleep . I wait about an hour after he has gone down before I pump . There are some problems with this method . He rarely naps during the day , if he is in the stroller and we go out , he will nap , but with the weather we 've had this is not happening very often . Without the stroller he will sleep in my arms , and sometimes I can get him down but it only lasts 45 minutes tops . In the evening , we are in this continuous cycle of nurse , fall asleep , put in crib , wake up ( tonight I have been him down 6 different times already ) . It often gets to the point that I am just so tired I can 't stay up any longer . So , anyone out there pumping during the day while their baby is awake ? How does that work for you and your baby ? What happens if your baby wants / needs to nurse and you are empty because you just pumped ? Pumping is easier since I picked up an electric pump , but I still find it to be a pain . Constantly washing & sterilizing the equipment just adds to the already too big task list . But the big thing is that no matter how long I leave the pump on , it stops getting milk but there is still milk in my breast . I end up hand squeezing for a minute or so to get all the milk . Yesterday ex came over with the 2 steps to visit . I didn 't cry , I wasn 't even sad . Actually happy at numerous times watching the 4 kids together , they really love and like each other . BBJ1 was happy to see his big brother and sister , he misses them , he missed them before , as they didn 't come over as regularly as he would have liked , but it has been over a month since he has seen them which is a long time . Today my step - mom and step - brother came over to watch the boys while I went to my therapy session . BBJ1 was of course happy , he loves playing with guys , he was pushing me out the door " mommy go now ! " , with literally a shove . BBJ2 had a bit of a harder time . He was o . k . as long as he was being held , but any attempt to put him down resulted in crying . I 'm finding the therapy a bit weird , but feels good and helpful . I talk and then there is a long pause , and sometimes he says stuff , or asks a question , but he really doesn 't say much at all . There are times when he closes his eyes during a pause ( mine or sometimes his ) and I think " is he falling asleep or is he thinking " , one time I almost did an AHEM , but he is just thinking and putting his words together . It reminds me of this boss I once had who literally would fall asleep in meetings , he did once in my annual review session , I did get an unbelievably good review that year . He didn 't last very long , and I have no idea if there was stuff going on with him . Weird . The not so great part of the last 2 days is that BBJ2 's sleeping is worse , probably my fault . I have been trying to put him down earlier , since supposedly they will sleep longer and better the earlier you put them down . Instead he is waking up in the middle of the night and being totally awake , trying to crawl around and explore . Feel like ex and I are working towards being friends . Feels like I am getting better , but not sure if it is real , or my facade . So tired , I have been tired for for over 3 months or for a few years , depends on how I look at it . When I was pregnant with BBJ1 , I was exhausted , I couldn 't get enough sleep . Spent a year at home with BBJ1 who slept through the night maybe 4 times . Spent a year back at work , taking care of BBJ1 and pregnant with BBJ2 for 9 months . The second pregnancy was not as exhausting as the first , but still tiring . For the last 8 months taking care of 2 little guys full time . For the last 3 . 5 months BBJ2 has not slept through the night . For the last 2 or 3 months BBJ1 hasn 't napped ( he naps if Daddy is home and puts him down , but that is it ) , which means that I cannot take a nap during the day to catch up . BBJ2 often sleeps for 45 min - 1hour at a time from about 8pm until 2pm , at that point I give up trying to put him back in his crib and take him to bed with me . I have nothing against sleeping with your baby , it can be quite beneficial for everyone if everyone is happy with it , but I 'm not . I find that when the baby is in bed with me I don 't sleep as well , I wake up frequently to check on him , make sure I have rolled on him or covered his face with the blankets , etc . On top of BBJ2 's sleeping pattern , I am trying to express milk to prepare for my upcoming trip to London . I find that I need to wait about an hour after nursing to get a good amount of milk . So every time I do get him down , I wait to try to pump instead of going to bed . Very often he wakes up just before I start or while I am pumping . BBJ2 does not have a schedule for nursing or sleeping during the day . I 'm nervous to pump during the day unless he is napping in the stroller ( almost guaranteed that he will sleep for about 3 hours if he is in the stroller and we go ) , I never know when he is going to need to nurse and don 't want to be empty . So not near enough sleep + nursing + pumping + no chance to nap + playing with the boys + pushing a stroller with 2 kids in it ( or wearing one in a carrier ) + + + + = one very knackered mama . I have been very worried about handling mornings by myself after I am back at work . I am not even close to being a morning person . When I was working after BBJ1 's mat leave , exHusband did the morning , I got out of bed , had a shower , dressed , grabbed the coffee that exHusband made for me , said good - bye and left . He fed and dressed BBJ1 ( while taking his shower and getting ready for work ) and took him to daycare . This morning we needed to go to the passport office and I wanted to go as early as possible to avoid huge line - ups . It took one and a half hours from the time we got out of bed to out the door , we all had breakfast , I had a shower , and put on makeup . Not bad , it is workable . The trip to the passport office was good . BBJ2 slept in the carrier most of the time , but when he was awake he wasn 't fussy . BBJ1 was amazing , held my hand all the time , no tantrums ( okay , there was about 20 seconds of bad behavior on the platform at St . George subway ) , he stayed close to me at the passport office ( pulled out Buzz Lightyear and a chocolate chip cereal bar when we arrived ) , and displayed good behavior all the way home . In the afternoon , BBJ1 helped me polyfil some holes in my bedroom wall ( nail holes , not fist holes ) , and we danced to Motown Classics . It was great fun , even BBJ2 was bopping a bit . It did make BBJ1 go a bit insane , really hyper but the moment was awesome . At some point today I put on my Grandma 's ring . I have my grandmother 's engagement ring , and it is very special to me . I loved my grandmother so much and she passed when I was quite young . I used to wear the ring all the time , it makes me feel good to have a piece of grandma with me . I stopped wearing the ring when exHusband put my engagement ring on my hand . It was totally me that stopped myself from wearing the ring . I think that I felt like if I was wearing Grandma 's big diamond that I was competing or belittling my engagement ring , like the engagement ring was so important that it needed to stand alone . I love the ring and I love how I feel when I wear it , so I am wearing it again . Since we broke up , I have been focusing on all the ' problems ' , I have been spending my time and energy worrying about how I was going to do this , it felt like too much . I have been in a very negative space and blaming exHusband for doing this to me . But the thing is that he didn 't do it to me , we did it together , I just didn 't see it . We fell in love together , we built our relationship together , we built our home and our family together , we also took our marriage apart together . I did lots of things that contributed to our relationship breaking . I took his love for granted . I focused on what I didn 't have or what I wasn 't getting and ignored what I did have and what I was getting . I became terrified of losing him and acted on that fear , I was suspicious and jealous . I was angry a lot . I don 't think that I would have liked being around me . I 'm going to try to focus on what I do have and what I can do instead of what I don 't have or can 't do . I 'm going to work with exHusband to raise our children in a happy , loving , nurturing family that just happens to have two separate homes . Posted by In a couple of weeks I am going to England for a business meeting . I need to get my passport renewed since my existing one expires next month . I have just enough time to get a new one if I can get the application in by tomorrow . I arranged for my mom to come and watch BBJ1 so that I could wait in the line ups toddler free . I was expecting her to come in the morning and therefore did not take the boys to the park even though it was a beautiful day . Mom showed up around noon . So the morning consisted mostly of BBJ1 going through all of my stuff and standing on furniture . At one point he came to me " here mom , for you " with my grandmother 's perfume atomizer . It is blown glass and is one of the few things I have of her , I cherish it , and every once in a while I open it and smell Grandma . After Grandma arrived , I headed out with BBJ2 to go to the passport office . I was wearing BBJ2 in a carrier under my mamajacket . As we neared the subway station , a man walking towards me hit me in the face with a bag of McDonalds and said something like " stop crying about that baby . . . " . I was stunned and confused - I wasn 't crying , I was actually in a pretty good mood . I turned around and said " what the fuck ? " . There was another man behind me who had seen what happened and started to tell the crazy guy off , and received a bag of McDonalds in his face . The two men then fought until the witness guy was holding crazy down on the street in the snow . I was on the phone with 911 . There was a third man who had just come off the subway who also was on the phone with 911 , he said that crazy had tried to pick fights with numerous people on the subway just prior . It felt like forever before the police showed up . The poor guy holding down crazy was really great , he did keep asking if anyone was coming , but he showed huge restraint , crazy called him the ' N ' word and he did not retaliate or beat the dust out of him , but just continued to hold him in place . The police arrived , put crazy in a car , took statements , etc . I was not hurt and BBJ2 was absolutely fine , he slept through almost all of this . So the hardest part of this was that the only person I wanted to call was ExHusband , but I couldn 't call him . I felt like , ok , we are broken up I need to buck up and take care of myself again . I did it for years before I met him and I was o . k . , I need to do it again . Later ExHusband texted me about something and I ended up telling him what happened . So I tried to not go to him for support but ended up there anyway . So once the police said I could go , I headed to the passport office . Once there , waited in line only to find out that the particular office I went to can not turn around a passport as quickly as I need . We headed home , I just didn 't have it in me to head downtown to the other office . Later in the afternoon , at home , BBJ1 was in his chair having a snack and I was trying to get my work laptop connected to the office network , when BBJ1 said " mom , go to the big door , check the door " . When he said that I noticed a funny burning smell . I went out into the hallway and the smell was quite strong and there were other neighbors checking it out . We determined that it was coming from the apartment in between us and that neighbor is away . I called building management to have someone check it out . I kept the door open so that I would know when the super came so that I could know if everything was ok . This meant that we had to be in the hallway while BBJ1 ran up and down . At one point some neighbors on the other end of our floor were in the hallway talking , BBJ1 was off , by the time I got there he was inside someone else 's apartment sitting on an elderly ladies lap in her dining room . It was a pain to get him out and the man of the apartment kept saying " it 's ok , he can stay " and I 'm looking at the crystal bowl on the coffee table , so I got him out as quick as possible . BBJ1 decided that we should go into the stairwell . I told him that you have to have shoes on to go into the stairwell , so he went and got his shoes . We ended up going up and down 7 flights of stairs . ( I have been thinking that I need to start working out - tighten the glutes - if I 'm going to start dating again , so not a bad thing to do stairs ) . I don 't know if the super ever showed up , I managed to get BBJ1 back inside after the stairs , but the smell did go away . This evening I tried to get back to work work , but needed to call the HelpDesk , they were unable to help me , said to call back later when their tool would be fixed . But after fiddling around with stuff , had trouble getting my personal computer on the internet . While doing all this was nursing and putting down BBJ2 numerous times . On the plus of today , BBJ2 started to clap his hands again . When he first started clapping , he used to do it a lot . At some point he stopped clapping , but I didn 't even notice . This morning BBJ1 was making the music on a toy play and BBJ2 started to clap . I realized then that I haven 't seen him clap in ages . I hope that the clapping hiatus was just because he was busy learning other new skills and not because he didn 't have anything to clap about . I think I now understand why some divorces are so ugly . During our marriage I didn 't do things for my husband thinking about what I would get in return , however , now that our marriage is over I keep thinking that he owes me , and since I won 't get the emotional support now , and since he isn 't going to show up and clean my home , I have been focusing on money . The focus is there because I am broke right now , if he had left when I was back at work instead of on mat leave , it wouldn 't bother me so much . When things were good , I didn 't think about who was doing more or less , contributing more or less . When things were stressful for me , ( stress caused by external or internal forces ) I found myself weighing our contributions against each other . When things were good , it didn 't matter if I was doing more of one thing because I was getting more of other stuff . When things were good , I was getting tons of emotional support and love , so nothing else mattered . Now that our marriage is over I am looking at back at everything and reassessing . I look back and think " Oh my god , why did I do that , of course he would have hated me for that " , but at the time I was just reacting to a situation . I look back and wonder if I made the right decisions for me . If I had known that he was going to leave me , would I have done what I did ? I look back and wonder how I ended up here . At some point in our marriage I lost myself , it wasn 't my husband 's fault . For a long time I didn 't need or want anyone else , he was enough . Then I became very isolated during my mat leaves and ended up relying on him more . So the one thing that I feel like he really owes me is time . Time to get back out there , time to reconnect with my friends , time to find and be me . A big part of me are my boys , but I need to have an adult me too . Recently I told someone that Karma is a bitch . This was interpreted as they will get what is coming to them for what they have done . I was trying to say that if they changed how they treated people , they would then be treated better . I just realized that I must have done some terrible things that I don 't remember , or that I did things that I didn 't thing were terrible but had a disastrous impact to others , because I feel like I am in the middle of a shit storm . It isn 't just that my husband left me , it is everything that happens as a result of that . I 'm in emotional turmoil . Most of today I was really good , but just started crying as I edited the photos in the screen - saver on the computer . It is one of the things that really suck about being left . The person who leaves gets to pick what they want to take , they leave behind all the memories , all the pictures , all the things you bought together . The person who is left has all this stuff around to remind them . My husband picked out the paint colour in our living room / dining room . We picked out the couch together , and I 'm pretty sure the choice was more him than me . I made the curtain in our bedroom when he was working nights so that it would block out the sun so he could sleep during the day . It goes on and on . While I have already started to make changes ( re - arranged the bedroom furniture ) , I can 't just change everything else instantly . I do plan on making more changes over time , but money is tight and the boys will wreck everything anyway so it makes more sense to wait until they are older and are no longer colouring the chairs . It 's knowing that I 'm not going to get my turn career wise . A few years ago we decided that my husband would pursue a new career . It meant that I was the income for the family for at least a year . However there was the possibility that once he was established he would become the income for the family and I could pursue a different career . I 'm good at what I do , I 'm successful in my company , and there are parts of my job that I really enjoy , but it is not a passion . Now that we are broken up and I am supporting myself and 2 children who will need daycare , I won 't be able to start from scratch , I 'm now a lifer . It 's being alone in the responsibility with the boys . I know that my husband is there for the boys , but it feels really different . I feel so much more responsibility than I did before , which is hard because it was already a lot . Part of the extra responsibility is now I have to help them deal with their father not being here . Part of it is just being alone 24 hours a day with them . Today was a crappy day and I had no one to vent to . This made me start to wonder if I was missing my husband or missing having a husband . I miss having someone to talk to about my day , about the kids , about whatever . I miss hearing about an adult 's day . I miss the companionship . Before I met my husband , I lived alone and was o . k . with it , but after having over 6 years of talking to the same person everyday , over 5 years of having another warm adult body in my bed at night , I 'm no longer o . k . being alone . I know that I am not really alone , the boys are here with me , all the time with me , but it isn 't the same . I don 't know the answer yet , maybe I will someday . So another week has gone by , thought I was doing much better but then lost it tonight . I saw something tonight that I assumed my husband had written and posted on FB and lost it , dropped him as a friend and then texted him . Turns out that the post was automatically generated by an app . This is not the first time over the last month or so that I cursed myself for moving too quickly when upset . I really need to implement some sort of timeout for myself before I text . Probably should stop texting too . Leading up to this incident , the week felt like most weeks , did normal stuff with the boys , went to the park , ran errands , cleaned makeup off the toddler 's face , changed diapers , fed the boys , etc . Only difference is husband is not here and I had a lot more company than usual . ( the support hasn 't stopped ) I went to my counseling session was o . k . It is really nice to talk to someone who does not have any history with me or my husband or our families . I don 't feel like he is judging me or husband , which seems pretty rare . He also seemed to think that I am pretty pulled together considering , but warned that I could totally lose at any point in the future , now there is something to look forward to . My mother - in - law came for a visit this week . I wasn 't sure how I was going to feel about it , but thought I would just see how it went before making any decisions on no in - laws or yes in - laws . It was o . k . I think that it was mostly o . k . because she was quite sympathetic to me and upset with her son . It was kind of boosting but at the same time a bit sad . It seems like the only people that my husband has on his side are his ' friends ' . I 'm not sure that these friends are true friends that will help him move forward in a mature healthy way . I could be wrong and I hope I am . The boys are doing well . There have been moments this week when my toddler has been sad , hopefully this will fade . An amazing thing did happen this week , baby took a bottle from my mother while I was at my counseling session , this bodes well for my sanity . I am positive that he has lied to me about some stuff and he doesn 't show any respect for the fact that we are married and were not broken up at the time of some of his antics . Mostly I 'm pissed because I am left holding the bag . The only way I can get the baby to sleep at night for ages is to have him sleep in my arms or in bed with me . He often sleeps for 2 / 3 hours in the late evening in his crib , but after that it is with me . The baby is crawling and pulling himself up and starting to get into stuff . I have a rambunctious , curious , fun , crazy toddler who can ( and will ) get anything he wants to , there is nowhere to hide stuff , he will climb , move furniture , anything he needs to get something he wants . So my husband is starting his new life , he 's couch flopping with a buddy until he gets his new apartment in 2 weeks . He 's out partying with his ' friends ' while I 'm here alone with 2 little ones . The baby doesn 't take a bottle and the only way he 'll go to sleep is nursing , so I can 't really go out , even if I could find someone to babysit . I have no problem getting people to sit during the day or evening , but late evening gets to be trickier . I really wonder about myself . I always thought I was such a good judge of character and I really believed my husband was going to stand beside me for the rest of my life . I knew from the beginning that he wasn 't perfect and that he had big issues , but I loved him anyway . Even when he was the biggest ass in the world , and I had trouble looking at him , I still loved him . He had said to me when we were breaking up that he didn 't want to lose our friendship because I had been a true friend to him . I 'm not sure that I will be able to do it . I will try but it is going to be rough . On the plus side , my family and friends are being hugely supportive . Everybody is offering up anything I need . My brother showed up with a t . v . last night to replace the one that the toddler fried . ( I told my husband he could have the t . v . , haha ! ) . Both of the boys seem to be o . k . Tonight was the first time that my older boy asked when daddy was coming home and didn 't seem to upset by it . It is going to take a while for them to get used to the change , but I think that if I can hold myself together and be nice towards the husband , the boys will be o . k . I 'm currently on mat leave with both of my little guys home with me . My husband left 3 days ago . Tonight is the first night it is just the 3 of us here in our home . Catch up : I was back at work for just over a year before # 2 was born . I thought it was a good year . Work went really well , worked on some tough projects , got lots of kudos , managed to not get hit during a re - org . # 1 son seemed to flourish at daycare , everyone there loved him and he loved it . The pregnancy went pretty well , full - term this time , but another c - section . Husband pulled his weight , he did mornings with # 1 son ( I got out of bed , hit the shower , got dressed , said good - bye and left ) , I did evenings while husband worked . The pregnancy was a complete surprise . When # 2 son arrived , the surprise turned out to be the most wonderful gift that I had no idea I wanted or needed . He is a wonderful baby , so calm and sweet and happy . He slept lots and for over 2 months he slept from 10pm to 5 / 6 / 7am every night . This of course did not last and now I get maybe 4 hours of non - contiguous sleep a night , Being on mat leave has been tough . # 1 Son is a ball of energy . All summer we were at the park twice a day every day - it was the only way to keep my sanity . He can get into everything and anything in our home . We live in a 2 bedroom apt and it has been really cramped . I was really stressed about our living situation for quite a while , but it passed ( mostly ) . We have to make do with what we have , right ? About the same time that # 2 stopped sleeping at night , # 1 stopped napping and refused to have a quiet time . So less than 2 weeks ago , I learned that my husband no longer wanted to be married to me . This is the saddest thing that I have ever gone through . I am heartbroken and angry . I never wanted to be a single mom , but here I am , a single mom . I had really thought that we were one of those special couples that make it all the way . We used to joke about changing each other 's diapers . I used to picture us sitting in rockers on a porch surrounded by our grandchildren . Now I picture myself alone . Posted by |
The typewriter stood silent . Black metal glittering in the harsh florescent light . Ivy stood mesmerized by the way the keys called to her . " Why does it have to stay in that display case , Daddy ? " she asked , turning to look at the man behind the desk . He looked up at her , his eyes resting on her wrinkled brow and sighed . " I 've told you before , Ivy . That typewriter means a lot to me . I started my career with that thing . " He glanced over at the display case , a frown tugging at the corner of his mouth . " I 've created our lives with that . Everything I have , I owe to that hunk of metal . I don 't know what I would do if something happened to it . " Her father nodded . " In a lot of ways , it did , pumpkin . I would never have found the courage to share my words with the world if it hadn 't been for that thing . " Ivy eyed the typewriter with awe . " I want to be like you , Daddy . I want to share my words with the world too . " She turned and looked at her father , putting on her best pout . " Maybe it can give me courage . Please , Daddy ? Please ? " He shook his head as he closed the laptop and stood up . " You don 't need that relic to be a writer , Ivy . You can use the computer downstairs . " He walked around the desk and wrapped an arm around his daughter . " And if you decide you really like writing , I 'll buy you a laptop of your own . " Ivy tiptoed silently down the hall , taking the cold doorknob in her hand . Glancing around her , she opened her father 's office door , quickly slipping in . Reaching blindly , her fingers collided with the plastic switch and the room was bathed in the fluorescent light once again . She looked around the room , her eyes instantly falling on the display case . All evening her mind kept wandering back to the archaic machine . She had no clue why it fascinated her so much . All she could think of was how wonderful her words would look on a sheet of paper from that typewriter . She slipped across the room to where the display case rested on a table against the far wall . Her hands slid along the glass as she peered adoringly inside . She wanted to be a real writer like her father . If this was what started his career , it could start hers as well . Ivy carefully lifted the glass box from the typewriter , setting it to the side . Holding her breath in awe , she brushed her fingers over the sparkly black keys . How exquisite it was compared to the boring , everyday computers which filled the world . She could see herself writing the next great novel with this machine . This was the romance of being an author . She looked down at the paper still in the paper guide . Curiously , she pried up the paper release and pulled the paper towards her , taking in the typed words . It must be the last thing her father wrote on it . Her eyes fluttered over it , her lips turning down in a frown as she read it . I will be a famous writer . I will have a wonderful wife and a beautiful daughter named , Ivy . They will both love me very much . I will be happy and have everything I ever wanted . My life will be good . Ivy stared at the words . Why would her father leave something like this in the typewriter ? Her eyes drifted over the words again , when suddenly they began to fade . Lighter and lighter the ink became until it disappeared completely . She gasped in shock , letting the paper fall to the floor . She looked around her nervously . How had that happened ? Words didn 't disappear like that . She stepped back , away from the display case . Something wasn 't right with that typewriter . She shook her head as tears formed in her eyes . How could she have known ? Things like that weren 't possible . She wanted to scream , to cry out how sorry she was , but she stayed silent as she watched herself fade from reality . The mist hung heavily on the field as the spectators watched from the stands . Sarah pulled her jacket tighter and sighed . Her school was losing to the visiting team . What a way to ruin Homecoming . " No , we promised Joe we 'd be here for him . " She frowned down at the players on the field . " After all , his team is getting slaughtered . " Sarah let her gaze drift back to the field . She watched as a blanket of fog rolled in , settling over the field . No one could see what was happening down there now . Body parts covered the field . Some of her brother 's team was on their hands and knees , feasting on the remains . Others left the field , making their way into the stands , drooling with anticipation . Joe made his way up the stairs . His eyes were glazed over and blood dripped from his mouth . " You , " he moaned as he pointed at them . " You laughed at us . " He nodded , pulling a chair out from the table . He sat down slowly , his muscles burning from the strain . " I don 't feel well , Mary . I was up all night . " " No , " he said , shrugging off her hand . " I have that meeting . I have to go . " He stood up , giving his wife a week smile . " I 'll see you later . " He turned to see his boss standing in the doorway . " Yeah , Carl . I 'm not feeling well , " he told him , scooping up his briefcase and keys . " I think I 'm going to head home . " " Please , " he said , placing a hand on Tim 's arm . " Do this for me . Give me twenty minutes and then you can go . Hell , you can even have tomorrow off . Just don 't bail on me now , okay ? " A smile spread across Carl 's face . " Thanks , pal . I owe you , " he said , relieved as he turned and walked down the hall . Tim followed him into the conference room and took a seat . The pain had dwindled into a dull ache and the slithering sensation was gone . Maybe he could wait 20 minutes . Other people started to trickle in and the meeting got under way . Tim sat there listening to the others as he tried not to focus on his stomach . He knew whatever it was ; it was nowhere as bad as what his imagination was trying to tell him . The meeting was the only thing that mattered at the moment . He took a deep breath and looked around the room . " Well , I believe we 're looking good on it . The figures are close to what we projected and I don 't think … . " His words cut off as another spasm rocked his abdomen . His hand flew to his mouth as he tried to catch his breath . Tim 's body relaxed and he could breathe once more . He brought his hand away from his mouth and gasped in horror . His palm was covered in blood . He sat on the bathroom floor of his house , a bottle of water in his hands . He 'd cleaned up and the pain was back down to a slight ache . He was waiting for Mary to come home from work . She would know what to do . She always did . He fell backwards as pain seized control of his body . It twisted and danced on its own as if he was in some deep stage of a seizure . His limbs flailed around him , contorting in ways that seemed humanly impossible . He let her help him to his feet and looked down at himself . He looked okay . Nothing was bent in some unnatural way . " I … think so . " She pulled the covers around him as she felt his forehead . " You 're burning up . I 'll get you a cold wash cloth . " She leaned down and kissed his forehead . " Don 't worry . Just sleep , my love . " " Okay , " Tim muttered . Maybe everything in the bathroom was only a fever dream . He 'd sleep for a day and then be back to his old self . She shook her head . " Nothing , " she told him , heading for the door . " I must be coming down with a fever too . " She let out a little laugh as she went through the door . " For a second , I could have sworn there was a pair of red eyes looking at me from the back of your throat . " Tim awoke to a light pain in his stomach . He looked around at the darkness in the room . Faintly , he could see Mary asleep in the bed next to him . He didn 't want to wake her over nothing . Tim clawed frantically at it with his other hand , but it was useless . He lost control and found himself lying on the kitchen floor , his body contorting uncontrollably as the pain tore through him . His organs jerked against his skin . Something caught in Tim 's throat . It felt as solid as a cement block . He couldn 't breathe . Whatever it was , it was going to kill him . His vision swam before him as the lack of oxygen reached his brain . Darkness crept in from the edge of his vision . He was going to pass out and die in a puddle of his own vomit . A soft popping sound came from inside his throat causing him to breathe again . He sucked in air even as the thing crawled higher . As it did , it triggered his gag reflex . He vomited out a squishy pink mass of flesh . He didn 't care what it was as long as it was out of him . Air slipped back in his lungs as he realized he was pain free , but as he lay on the cool kitchen floor , he realized he felt empty . His insides felt as hollow as a jack - o ' - lantern 's , scooped out and tossed aside . It tilted its head as it knelt in front of him . " I am the future and we are more common than you think , " it said , eyes flashing red . Slowly it smiled , showing jagged teeth . " Now , I must feed . " She opened the worn leather book , its over - sized pages cracking with age . She sneezed as the movement stirred the dust clinging to it as she turned to the last page . Her eyes drifted to the last bit of blank space left in the book . How quickly time passed . She 'd written the first prophecy before time even started . Now here she was , pen poised to document the Last Prophecy . The one that would change everything . She stared at her hands as she wrote , worn and wrinkled as the leather book . The prophecies were her burden to carry ; and she had for so long . The words burned into her mind with such intensity they had to be bled onto the paper ; either that or she would surely combust from within for containing such knowledge . They weren 't hers to keep . She was the messenger ; only a slave to the paper and ink . Yet … it was changing . This was the last . They were letting her go because there was nothing else to write . Leaning closer to the page , she blew , letting her dry , old breath seal in the ink , forging it there forever . Her eyes drank in the words one last time , trying to release them from her mind . Two lives separated must now become one . The changing world must be undone . The light in the darkness needs protected at all cost . If it should fail , then all is lost . She pushed the curiosity from her mind as she closed the old book , placing it on a shelf . It blended in with the other books around it . Now obsolete in this time of transition . She walked away , her old bones creaking as she went . The prophecy was no longer her burden . It sat upon the shoulders of the oracles in the world below her . Let them worry and fret , making sense from the words her mind bore . It didn 't matter what it meant . Only that it was the last . She could move on , no more words and ink stains . No more messages being forced into her mind . She was free . I sit and watch you . You are beauty personified . The way your brow creases when you 're concentrating . The way you throw your head back when you laugh . The way you smile , genuine and pure , like the heart of a newborn . I adore these things and more . There is so much to you . So much that other people can 't even see . I do . I see it all and I can 't get enough . The way you make me feel is exhilarating . I feel I could do anything because you exist in the world . You are all I think about . Day . Night . It 's always you . You are my everything . I breathe because you breathe . My heart beats only to sync with yours . I am your slave , chained to you by these unseen ropes of devotion . I watch you at work . I watch you with your friends and family . I watch you out in public . The times I can 't watch you I ache so deeply I think my soul might rip in two . My eyes were meant to take you in ; it 's pure torment when they can 't do what they were created for . I stand in your room at night , watching you sleep . I hear the soft sounds of breath your body takes in while you dream , and it makes my knees weak . The feel of your skin excites me to no end . These stolen moments , when I am this close , is pure paradise to me . I long to climb into bed and put my arms around you , holding you until the morning light comes , but I never do . I know it 's not time . I 'm not ready to risk my heart . I have been hurt before . That 's what has made me so cautious . There have been others I 've wanted . They didn 't understand what I felt for them . They couldn 't see what I had to offer . We could have been perfection . They were blind , so bad things happened . I don 't want that to happen with you . It would hurt too much to do the bad things to you . You are my everything . My whole life has become you . I know I don 't have to worry about that . I can see who you are inside . You 'll know true love when you see it . You won 't be blind like the others . I 'm sure of that because you are perfection . I know I can trust you with my heart . I turned , looking around me . I was alone . No one else occupied the dark street . It had been like that for the last week . Ever since that day . People say when you have a near death experience you come back with something . I always thought that was absurd . How could your body gain anything as your cells shut down one by one ? If anything , you should come back with less than what you had to start with . Death is a decaying process . It strips you down until there 's nothing left but dust and bones . No more than nutrients for the ground below . It doesn 't add layers . It doesn 't bestow anything . It didn 't matter where I went . They were right . They 'd always find me . I was the flame to those voices , they fluttered around me , drawn for reasons I will never understand . When I died , I wasn 't given anything . Instead , I had things taken from me . My life , my sanity , taken from me in a blink of an eye . I wasn 't given any special gifts . Frankie 's reaction scared Owen more than the strange lights and the phantom toys . He was a gentle dog . The boy didn 't think he 'd ever heard him growl once in his life . The boy pushed back the covers and swung his legs over the edge of the bed as the light beams danced around the room . His body trembled as he thought about running for the door . He was too old to cry out for his mommy . Ten - year - olds didn 't do that sort of thing . What would people say about him ? But … something was wrong . Toys didn 't turn on by themselves and lights definitely didn 't appear in the sky . He was in danger . He needed his parents to make it all right . Owen swung his legs back in bed and wrapped the blankets around himself . Fear swam through his veins as he pictured what might be out there . Maybe it was only his parents , coming to see what the noise was , but he didn 't think so . Not the way Frankie was acting . Movement stirred in the darkness and a small shape stepped forward , coming into the room . It was completely grey , devoid of any hair or clothing . Two almond shape eyes stared out of an oversized head . They were like blank TV screens blinking up at the boy . Owen whimpered as he scooted away from the edge of the bed , drawing the blankets even tighter around him . The creature looked like those things in the Sci - Fi movies his father liked to watch . It was one of those creatures who did strange experiments on humans . The dog turned , following the creature with his eyes , a huge doggy grin on his face . He sniffed the air and then hunched over . The dog whined as his fur split open along his back . Anger replaced fear as Owen stared at Frankie . The alien had turned his best friend into a monster . He threw off the blankets and glared at the small creature standing next to his bed . " Our people sent your father and I here when I was pregnant with you . We brought Frankie with us to watch over you when you were born . We have spent the last ten years studying the human race . In that time , we have learned all we can . There 's nothing more to do . " She got up off the bed and headed for the door . " Your father is helping Grandpa load everything on the ship . You have a few minutes to say goodbye to everything here . " He looked around the room , feeling a bit teary - eyed . What were they doing to him ? Didn 't they know life was hard enough for a ten - year - old ? Why did they have to spring this on him as well ? She stopped in the doorway . " Yes , Owen . We do . This isn 't our home , it was only an assignment . Don 't worry , we have a lot of friends and family waiting for us . You won 't even miss this place . I 'll be back in ten minutes for you and Frankie . We 'll do your form change before we leave . " Owen sat there , tears running down his cheeks as he watched the slobbering monster at the foot of his bed . They were a family of monsters . They were what children feared . " It 'll be okay , sweetheart , " his mom said , taking in the boy 's sadness . " Think of it as an adventure . You love adventures . " She disappeared through the doorway into the darkness . Owen got out of bed , fending of slobbery kisses from the thing that used to be Frankie . He looked around the room , his heart filling with sadness . What did a boy take with him to a new planet ? She pulled her fingernails off one by one , the flesh tearing as she pried them loose . She flicked them into the empty ashtray as she went . They clicked against the glass , hard , before setting at the bottom . The sound cut through the silence that hung heavily in the cheap motel room . Her heart broke as she stared at the black painted pieces in the ashtray . They were no longer a part of her . It wasn 't fair ; she had given up everything for him . She sighed as she ripped the last nail free . She was doing the right thing . They couldn 't find his blood under her nails if she didn 't have them anymore . I sneezed yesterday . It wasn 't particularly loud or long . It was just a normal something - tickling - your - nose sneeze . I guess I wasn 't paying attention or something , because I forgot to close one eye . I know you 're saying that 's not possible . Our bodies automatically close our eyes when we sneeze . Well , something went wrong . One of my eyes didn 't close . I didn 't do it on purpose . It was an accident . I was just going along , minding my own business , when I sneezed , and my right eye stayed open . I ran to my mother , to tell her what happened , but she took one look at me and screamed . My eyeball was bight red . She said it looked like I was staring at her through a pool of blood . He told her I was fine . He said I burst the blood vessels in my eye , but that wasn 't anything to worry about . The blood would go away on its own . As for the blurriness , I 'd strained the eye and it needed to rest . He taped a gauze pad over that eye and told me to wear it for a week . With rest , my eye would be as good as new . Better even . Everything was fine during that week . There was no pain and my mother kept me home from school . I got all the TV and ice cream I wanted . It was like a mini summer vacation . Then my week was over . It was time to remove the gauze . At first my vision was still a little blurry . I couldn 't make out anything I was seeing with that eye . After a few days , the blurriness went away and my vision was as good as before . Everything looked different with that eye . I could close my right eye and see things like I always did . A lamp . A vase . If I looked at it with my right eye open and left eye closed , it would be different . A burnt lamp . A shattered vase . Nothing was the same . Things got worse the more I looked . I saw my brother 's bloated corpse floating in the hallway when I knew he was standing there , alive and talking . I saw my cat , Tigger , hanging from a tree from his own entrails even though he was only climbing it . I tried to make her understand . I wasn 't disabled with the gauze on . I was better . If I didn 't look through the eye , I wouldn 't have to see what really was . Everything I 've seen is real on a different level than we know . It 's waiting for us there . I 'm sure of this . I don 't know why my messed up eye can see it , but it does . Mom doesn 't believe me . She hopes that I 'm looking for attention , but deep down she 's worried the sneeze gave me brain damage . I wish that was the case . I 'd be able to sleep at night . I 'm hiding in my room , the gauze on my eye , and the lights off . Monsters lurk in the world behind the world . If I can 't see anything , I won 't have to know what 's out there . My parents are deciding what to do with me . They want me see someone . I don 't want to see anyone . I 'd rather not tell them what I see lurking over everyone 's shoulder . Something about the house felt different when Kara awoke this morning . She couldn 't put her finger on it as she got out of bed , but that feeling was there , heavy as a mallet slamming into her . Something wasn 't right . She padded through the empty house on her way to the bathroom . She couldn 't figure out where these feelings were coming from . Sure , she lived alone . That was enough to make anyone paranoid , but she had lived there for six months . She hurried about , quickly getting ready for work as she tried to brush the dark thoughts from her mind . There was no place for them . She was an adult . Adults didn 't get freaked out , especially when it came to being in their own home . Kara poured herself a cup of coffee and let the warm , caffeine - infused liquid flow through her soul . She tried to rationalize her feelings as she stared into the steaming mug . Some forgotten dream was haunting her mind . That 's all this was . She needed to let the morning sun burn away such thoughts . A woman afraid to live alone was doomed to live in someone 's shadow forever . That wasn 't her . She was good at being alone . She even thrived in it to some extent . She wouldn 't let some ridiculous feeling shatter her solitude . She grabbed her purse and locked up , heading to the car . Rays of sunlight danced around her , driving back the morning chill as she warmed up the car . A small laugh escaped her lips and a foolish feeling washed over her as she sat there , taking in the surrounding day . Kara couldn 't believe how spooked she had let herself get . She needed to learn to let her dreams go before getting out of her bed if they were going to do this to her . This was her home , her sanctuary , and there was no reason that would change in one night . She slipped the car in reverse and glanced up at the house one last time , a smile still on her lips . Her foot came down hard on the break and the smile faded . Something moved in her bedroom window . The nightmare hadn 't plagued her sleep last night ; it began the moment she woke up . That was the reason everything seemed so wrong . She was no longer alone . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! 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Tag : fiction The day the Sea stood still One day the Sea got tired of always going back and forth , back and forth , back and forth . And so , it stopped . The Wind blew harder and harder hoping to make her friend move again , but the effort was in vain , for the Sea had decided it was time to rest . The Wind asked : ' Why aren 't you dancing with me anymore ? ' Gently , the Sea answers : ' Because I 'm tired . All of these centuries moving up and down , touching the sand and running away , only to come back up and touch it once more , always rising and falling , and for what ? ' ' I don 't know ' , whispered the Wind , ' but I like dancing with you . Goodbye old friend , I shall go looking for another dancing partner ' . ' Goodbye ' , answer the Sea . The Wind went away , not expecting to return . The day crossed the sky until it dived into the Western horizon . From the other side the night was born . And with it came the the Moon , full and white , her pale light gently caressing the dark waters , impatiently waiting for the Sea to rise to look at her . But the Sea didn 't rise . Partly frustrated , partly intrigued , she asked : ' Why don 't you rise to admire me tonight ? ' , to which the Sea replied : ' My dear Moon , for ages and ages , every day and every night I used to rise to more closely look at you and each time I would fall back down again to admire your amazing beauty against the starry sky . But after all these years I am old and tired , and I need to rest . ' With great sadness the Moon said : ' My dear Sea , how I will miss your devoted admiration ! ' And so the Moon , vain as she was , spent her time admiring her own image in the calm watery mirror of the Sea . But she soon got bored now that she had lost her favourite admirer , and quickly crossed the sky to go to bed . As soon as she disappeared , the day came up again . The Sun didn 't understand why the night had been so short , but he didn 't mind and actually enjoyed it , for it gave him a lot more time to reign in the sky . And then , the Men arrived . They came in large wooden ships , with big pearly sails , always rowing , and rowing and rowing . They had to row because they couldn 't use their sails without Wind . They rowed until they didn 't have the strength to row anymore . In a moment of despair one of the Men shouted to the sky : ' Where are you Wind ? Why aren 't you here to fill our sails ? ' A seagull that was passing by responded : ' The Wind left because the Sea refuses to dance ' . At first , the Men didn 't quite believe in it but , after several months of waiting for a breeze that never appeared , they gave up and , just like the Wind and the Moon , they also decided to leave . The Sea was now all alone . Even the clouds didn 't visit him , for the clouds need Wind to travel . The days became longer and hotter , for the Moon was easily bored by the Sea 's monotonous company . After months of excruciating heat and unbearable solitude , the Sea , missing his friends , reconsidered his decision . Even though he was disappointed in his friends for leaving him , he realised that he really enjoyed dancing with the Wind , gazing at the Moon and being tickled by the Men 's ships . He decided that he would move again , even if it was exhausting to him . And so he did . The first one to notice was the Moon , who was delighted to have her dedicated lover back . That night lasted the equivalent of two days , for they missed each other very much . When the Moon finally went to sleep and the Sun , who was very upset for having to wait for so long , finally came up again , the Sea wondered what he could do to bring back the Wind . He eventually decided to ask the birds to go look for her . They went to land , returning hours later with the Wind in their wings . The Wind was very happy to have her old dance partner again , and so they danced like never before . All of this dancing was very noisy , for the waves were very big and were crashing madly against the rocks . When the Men heard this , they rapidly got inside the ships and sailed to the Sea to celebrate . The Sea wasn 't alone anymore . From that day forward , the Sea never stopped again . Sometimes he 's in a quieter mood , other times he may be in a great big rush , but he is always rising and falling , going and coming . Never again will he stay still , so that never again he will be alone . Author toserendipityandbeyondPosted on February 17 , 2017February 17 , 2017Categories TaleTags bed time story , children , fairy tale , fiction , nature , sea , story , TaleLeave a comment on The day the Sea stood still A good deed I woke up with a headache and a drooling mouth . When I tried to clean it I found out that my hands were shackled to the wall . As I tried to make sense of my situation , my eyes met another pair , which silently gazed at me . He said something , but his voice was merely background noise while my brain attempted to untangle the thoughts racing through my mind . " I remember my warm bed . " I replied . Perhaps if I close my eyes I 'll wake up there again . His only reply was a shadow of frustration that briefly perched on his brow . But it didn 't linger for long . He was about to say something else , when the door was opened . David curled himself up even more against the wall as a man walked in . He kneeled in front of me and grabbed my cheeks with his boney fingers , turning my face one way and then another , while he seemed to conduct a very superficial inspection of my state . When he was satisfied , he dropped his hand on my leg and smiled with a mouth so ugly that most of his teeth had already ran away . " What a fine specimen we have here , " he giggled . I didn 't enjoy the sudden intimacy , so I kicked him in the ribs . Being not much more than a walking skeleton , he was easily thrown across the room . When he got up , I recognised the fire in his eyes and took his kicks and punches without complaining . David blabbered something about me being crazy and to keep my head down , but I was more worried about assessing the situation , so I ignored him . It must be so distracting to have all those feelings demanding constant attention inside your head . I never understood why normal people are so fond of emotions . Right now , his were turning him into a depressing ball of human sweat . It took me a second to decide what I would answer . Telling him the truth would cause him either to freak out even more or to start yelling at me again . My patience has its limits . I forced myself to breathe in and sigh out . " Look , all you have to know about what I do for a living is that I 'm used to this kind of situations . So let 's make a deal : I promise to get you out of here alive if you promise to keep your mouth shut and do what I say . " He thought for a while . He was probably weighing his slim options , whether he could trust me and whether he actually had a choice . Finally , he agreed . He got a morsel of hope and I got some peace and a much needed helping hand . Everyone 's happy . And they say I 'm not a people person … " We 'll have to do the girl first , " said Mafia Guy , scrutinizing the papers on his clipboard . " The other one is running late . Get her ready . " He took a last look at me and disappeared , leaving the door half open . Probably , my short stature and girly look gave me the appearance of a job that could easily be handled by one person . I was appreciative of the opportunity but also slightly offended . Bones walked towards me with a key in his hand . As soon as I heard that ' click ' , I quickly moved my arm away from his reaching hand , and landed my fist on his face . He fell backwards and I threw my legs around his neck . I pulled him closer as he struggled and covered his mouth with my free hand to keep him silent , while trying to use my full weight to smother him until his consciousness drifted away . Then , I seized the key that had fallen next to us , released my left hand and went over to free David . Frisking Bones quickly , I found his gun , checked it for bullets and that it was ready to fire . After putting my head carefully out of the door , I realised that our room opened into a hallway with a flight of stairs at the opposite end , leading up . David followed my steps cautiously , with wide eyes and fidgety hands . The first door on the right was open and we could hear voices , so that 's where I started . With my back against the wall , I listened attentively and was able to distinguish two voices . Let 's hope there isn 't a mute in there as well , I thought . I gestured David to stay put and I slid in , firing the borrowed gun at two men dressed in surgical gowns . In a matter of seconds , there were no more voices , but simply a heavy silence floating in the room . I told David to get in and look for answers in the pile of documents lying on the table , while I stood by the door waiting for anyone that might have heard the shots . I could see that he was shaking as he went in , and he didn 't get much better once he noticed the two bodies on the floor . Reluctantly , he went through the papers scattered on the table . Medical files ? They had access to my file ? I moved away from the door and had a look . Sure enough , there was my medical file , along with David 's and a few others . While I was distracted inspecting the papers , something moved by the door . In a split second , my instincts took over and I ducked under the table , pulling David down with me , as a wave of bullets hit the wall above us . Under the table , I took aim at the shooter 's legs and when he fell I took aim at his head . It was Mafia Guy . I waited a while and then got up , dragging the terrified dead - weight with me . I handed David the man 's gun , who looked at it as if it was about to bite him . " You know how to use that ? " I asked . I took his resigned countenance as a yes . We moved on to the next door but it was locked . " Not yet . " These people needed me for a reason and they had access to a lot of information . After all , finding matching donors for organ donation wasn 't easy and they wouldn 't leave a witness walking about . I wasn 't going to live my life looking over my shoulder , and going to the police was out of the question for me . This had to end here . We headed to the last door and walked into a large , pale surgical room . Poorly hidden behind the surgical table , I found a nurse shivering and sobbing in a pool of tears , which I quickly put out of her misery . I could hear David gasp in horror behind me . I didn 't care . I wasn 't leaving witnesses that might come after me . Suddenly , my eye caught a familiar face . Crouching behind one of the machines was my doctor . The one that was always generously paid to fix me after my assignments and to keep what happened in his office away from the police 's ears . " Care to explain ? " I asked him as he was getting up . He looked at me for a while and then greeted David , who was as shocked to see him as I was . I could see the fear in the doctor 's eyes , even though the old man liked to play tough . " Well , what do you want me to say ? " He responded defiantly . " Taking a crook like you away from this world could almost be considered a civic duty . " " Are you kidding ? They are giving me over £ 100 . 000 for your heart alone . And something close to that for Mr . Hill 's liver . " " Mr . Hill , as you can see , there is a lot of money involved here and , if you help me , a part of it could be yours . The rest of the men are bringing the patient for the transplant as we speak , and they will soon put an end to this little stunt of yours . But I can talk to them on your behalf . After all , this lady is a very bad person . You 'd be saving innocent lives … " So the patient was coming over to us ? Good , I would like to have a chat with the idiot who got me into this mess . I looked at David , curious about what he would decide . Somehow , I wasn 't very surprised when his shaking hand starting to point the gun at me . " Off you go now . Follow that path and you should find your way out . " He seemed surprised . " I promised I would get you out , didn 't I ? What are you waiting for ? Run ! " And run he did . Probably thought I would shoot him in the back . That 's people for you . They always assume I 'm as petty as them . They forget that in order for them to hurt my feelings I would need to have feelings in the first place . I hid in the house and only had to wait for half an hour before they arrived . Two escorts with their guard down and a sick man . It was a fast job . I took their guns just in case , as well as a pack of cigarettes and a lighter , and headed downstairs to get the files . David 's too . The records of our existence were soon reduced to a pile of ashes . Once outside , my nostrils took a deep breath of fresh air . I lit a cigarette . I figured I might as well . After all , being healthy almost got me killed . ( This story was created for the NYC Midnight Short Story Challenge ) Author toserendipityandbeyondPosted on February 17 , 2017February 17 , 2017Categories TaleTags action , blood , dark , doctors , donor , evil , fiction , fight , hospital , organs , short story , story , TaleLeave a comment on A good deed Little Old Things The woman with black hair and green eyes smiled warmly as the man behind the counter handed her the key to her room . He was starting to tell her how to find it , when he stopped mid sentence and decided to take her there instead . The place was quiet , too quiet , and he couldn 't stand the silence that resounded throughout the whole building , grating his ears as nails on a board . He led the way while the woman followed in silence , as if a holy ritual was being performed with every step . When they reached the door to her room she thanked the man and he bade her goodnight , turning away to return to his designated post behind the counter . Now , back to the orchestra of cracking floorboards and rain splattering against the windows , he thought about her . A spectre of white , marbled skin , under a veil of hair as dark as the deep corners of a forbidden forest , had walked into his modest B & B so silently that he only realised she stood behind him when he heard her voice . Her face looked like it had been dried by the passing of the years , her thin body sinking under a black dress of mourning and reverence , a body that seemed to him so out of context away from the golden coffins that are gently cradled by the voice of eternity under the ancient sands of the Nile . " One night , " that 's all she said to him . He tried to read the name she had written down in his book , but her handwriting was impossible to decipher . He heard the kitchen door opening and closing and recognised the cotton steps heading towards him . " Thank you . It 's an old house and much of her beauty has been eroded by time . I would like to restore her but I 'm afraid the business isn 't doing very well at the moment . " " That 's a shame , " she replied . " To allow such a beautiful place to go to waste … I like old things , you see . Old things are thumb stones to all the memories that lived and died around them . Like this watch , for example , " she removed a silver , hand sculptured pocket watch from her purse and showed it to the host . " This watch is as old as time itself . It has seen the rise of mankind and it shall be here to see its fall . " " If it was here before mankind , then who made it ? " He asks . " Not who , but what , " she replied . " But that doesn 't matter at the moment . I want to give it to you as a thank you for having such a pleasant stay . It might help you . Keep it here , close to the front door and good things shall come through it " . " When good things happen … well , don 't question too much . Never try to discover how the watch 's mysteries come to be . It will only break the spell . Make sure you always remember this . " And , with that , she left . The man looked at the beautiful watch resting in his hand , time reverberating gently through his skin with ever tick and every tock . He let out a long sigh . If he sold it , he thought , perhaps he could get enough money to improve his business . " I 'll do it tomorrow " , he decided , for he had a day of work ahead of him . He opened a drawer and placed the watch carefully in it . He starred at it for a minute before finally closing the drawer and going about his work . That day , the mood of the skies changed quickly , with a sunny winter morning turning into an evening of dark stormy clouds , fat with rain and thunder . Throughout the night , the rain knocked against the roof tiles and the windows , like a wet monster begging to be let in , while the wind whistled the ancient songs it had learned far away , bringing with it razors of cold and desolation that swirled around the old house , grazing even further its already beaten surface . At midnight , as the host and his family lay asleep in their beds , oblivious to the changes happening outside , everything went quiet for a moment . Then , with all the force of a torrent , wind and rain forced open all the doors and all the windows , and all went dark inside the old B & B . Family and guests got out of their beds in panic , running about the house closing windows , shutting doors , holding candles that kept being blown off even when there was no wind left in the room . Eventually , things calmed down and everyone was able to return to the land of forgotten fantasies that awaited them in their wooden nests . In hearing this , the man hurried downstairs . When he reached the bottom of the stairs he looked perplexed at the amount of guests flooding his living room . He ran quickly to the counter and started taking names and handing out keys as fast as he could . His little B & B was full by nightfall and the host struggled to find an old forgotten ' Sold out ' sign that his memory assured he still had , hidden under a pile of dust somewhere . As the days passed , the guests kept coming one after another and he easily forgot about the watch and the strange woman who had given it to him . It was only when he opened that drawer looking for a pen that he was reminded of that morning . Now , he began to take her words more seriously . Could it be possible that the watch had caused all of this ? He took the delicate object out of the drawer and held it in his hands in order to see it better . He opened it and closed it again . It was indeed a beautiful piece of craftsmanship , but could it really be magical ? That seemed nonsense to him . After some time , finding that he couldn 't keep it to himself any longer , he decided to tell his wife and daughter what had happened , so as to get their opinion on the matter . As he told them about the woman , the watch , and the warning that she had made before leaving , he was amazed to find excitement in their faces instead of the surprise that he was expecting . Day after day , their B & B seemed to never lose its charm . The rooms were always clean , the flowers were always fresh , the garden was always tended and , every now and then , a brand new garden gnome would appear , like a colourful flower that sprouted during the night . But , remembering the warning that the woman had given , the family never tried to figure out how all of these things were happening . At first , their curiosity was gnawing at their imagination , but soon it all became routine and they grew accustomed to all the mysterious helping hands working around them . And so , they lived happily for a very long time . Most of the guests ended up returning several times and some of them even became long term residents , so the little house was soon filled with new friendships and familiar faces , which made the family 's work and life much more pleasant than before . Of course , every now and then , a guest would leave during the night without paying , but these were rare and for the most part their guests were all pleasant and respectful . One evening , a new couple checked in . At first they seemed perfectly nice but , later on at dinner , after having had a few drinks , the couple began to fight in the middle of the dining room . The other guests were visibly disturbed and a few went up to their rooms sooner than usual , but not without complaining about the noisy couple . The host , who was very tired after a long day of work , gathered all the patience he still had left in him and was able to persuade the couple to retire to their room . During the night , however , the husband became hungry and decided to pay a visit to the kitchen , in order to get something to eat . Half asleep , he dragged himself through the corridors in the darkness , his hands following invisible patterns on the walls . When he reached the kitchen door , he stopped . A dozen child - like voices could be heard singing in unison on the other side , their melody accompanied by an orchestra of kitchen sounds , such as plates and pans , and things boiling and cooking . The man opened the door and went in . " It was him , officer ! " Shouted the woman behind two salty rivers of tears , raising her shaking hand to point at the host . " He was rude to us last night and then he went up to our bedroom and took my husband ! " " Please , madam , I would never do such a thing , " retorted the host . " Your husband has had quite a lot to drink last night . I 'm sure he simply wandered off somewhere while you were asleep and will turn up eventually . " The police tried to get her to go home but she refused . She decided that she wouldn 't leave the B & B until her husband was found . The police , however , without finding any sign of a crime , assured the wife that her husband probably had just left . These cases were common , they said . After all , the couple had been fighting that night and there was no reason to believe that anyone had any real grudge against the man . The officers eventually left , leaving behind a vague promise that they would look into it further . The wife , however , was determined that something had happened . She knew her husband and she was sure that he wouldn 't leave , not like that . No , it was that host ! He clearly had taken a dislike to her husband . She could tell by the way that he talked to them that night . Sure , they were a little loud , but nothing that would merit such a rude attitude . No , her husband didn 't run . It was the host ! He did something to him during the night and she was determined to find proof of that . Hours later , she lay in bed listening to the faint noises that floated gently in the dead of the night . The old house moaned , the invisible mice chased each other inside the walls , the wind sang haunted lullabies that made the trees dance under a ceiling of stars . Unable to fall asleep , she got up and silently headed for the kitchen to get a glass of water . As she opened the door , her eyes faced a sight that made her wonder whether she was still in her bed dreaming . In front of her , a great number of incredibly tiny people went about the kitchen cooking and singing and cleaning . They all stopped at the same time and looked at her . A little winged person took flight and stood hovering in front of her nose for a while , before blowing a strange powder into her eyes . The next day the host let out a sigh of relief when he found out that the woman 's room was empty and that she was gone . All that excitement was affecting the atmosphere in the house and he couldn 't wait for things to go back to normal . This whole affair seemed quite strange to him , but then again he was used to ignoring anything that seemed unusual . And so , after some time , he was able to put the whole thing out of his mind . As he was walking down the stairs his daughter was coming in from her morning walk . " Good morning father " , she greeted , " Have you seen the new gnome that we have in the garden ? ( This story was created for the NYC Midnight Short Story Challenge ) Author toserendipityandbeyondPosted on February 17 , 2017February 17 , 2017Categories TaleTags B & B , competition , dark , fairies , fairy tale , fiction , mystery , NYC challenge , short story , Tale1 Comment on Little Old Things Search for : As you all know , we have a very special pet in our hostel called Tic Toc . He is a dwarf crocodile , a very rare species endemic to the London hostels , and his main duty is to open the luggage room for our lovely guests . However , he is also in charge of eating those who don 't do [ … ] Nico , one of our favourite guests , was back on the kitchen tonight to make us some blueberry muffins with a delicious raspberry topping . His secret ? A pinch of cider added to the dough when you 're not looking . It was worth it though , the muffins were absolutely delicious ! I 'm voting for adding whiskey next time ! After [ … ] Let Ken Lum Lee take you on a photographic tour of Hangzhou and the breathtakingly beautiful Sheraton Grand Hangzhou Binjiang Hotel . Barbara Do you ever feel like something should feel familiar but in reality feels even more alien ? That 's exactly how I felt when I recently went to China . Although I grew up in London all [ … ] |
Welcome to Blessed with a boy . My name is Jackie and I will be writing about various things that come to mind . I am married to my high school sweetheart , Michael . We have one son named Blake who finally graduated college . We have 1 dog her name is Cali . If you have any questions feel free to comment or email me at jackiesuehall1971 @ gmail dot com . I am sure at some point I have mentioned that I have 5 herniated discs . Three in my lower back and two plus bone spurring in my neck . I went and got a CT for my neck all the way down my back and have not gotten a reading from my Dr . yet so as far as I know that is all . When I see him again I will let you know what he has to say . Trust me , what I have is enough ! The day after I posted about the women that were asked to leave The Kessler , my lower back went out . So I was out of work stuck in bed on Thursday and Friday and through the weekend . I woke up on Monday and I couldn 't move my right arm . I have had it before and so I knew it was a nerve that was severely pinched in my neck shoulder area . On my word did that hurt . So I was out of work Monday and Tuesday as well . I was finally feeling great and ready to get back to work . I woke up at 4 AM Wednesday to go to the bathroom . On my was back to our room I lost my balance landed on my right foot and felt and heard three crunching sounds . I couldn 't stand or put any type of pressure on my foot so I knew something was wrong . I knew it had to be my foot or my ankle . When I finally hobbled my way back to our room my husband had gone to the other side of the house to use that bath room . Michael couldn 't hear me so I had to call him and let him know I needed to go to the ER . The good thing is I already have a wheel chair so he loaded me up in it and we zoomed to Baylor Grapevine . It was empty . I don 't think I have ever been to an ER that was empty no matter what time it was . Sorry if there was tmi . At least I didn 't fall on my bum ! They took x - rays and I was told I had an oblique fracture of such and such bone . i . e . a broken ankle . So they brought me one of those boots . I got out of having to use crutches because I also have a walker with wheels and a seat . Yes , I am a 90 yo in a 44 yo body . After giving us the information to go see an Orthopedic Doctor I was released . They wanted me to go see one to determine if I would need surgery , a hard cast or leave it in a boot . So on this past Monday we go to the OD and I am thrilled to say I do not have to have surgery or a hard cast . He said I can even sleep with out the cast as long as I put it back on if I needed to get up for any reason . My son and husband both vetoed that because they are worried about me so I just leave it off for a while then my husband puts it back on . Here is a picture of my feet side by side after being back at work all day yesterday . I have thrown in a shot by it 's self . I think it is a better shot of the two . Please forgive the toe nails . My husband was kind enough to attempt to remove the polish . This incident where a couple of women were removed from the Kessler . Please note that this incident was a while ago . I told you I would show you the video so here it is . I am like the guys in this video and want to know what being white has to do with her and her friend being asked to leave . They were removed from the concert for disrupting peoples while the concert was going on . I have no idea if either of these women know Lee Ann Womack but , if they do I have a feeling she would have been mortified when she saw this video . Who would want a friend to come to your concert and talk loud enough that it would drive people crazy enough to get someone to remove them or ask them to be quiet . We went to An Evening with Bob Schneider at The Kessler Theater in Dallas this past Saturday night . As always Bob knocked it out of the park . Wait a minute , I am getting a little ahead of my self . According to google , The Kessler Theater in Dallas is a Historic theater staging music shows , performance art and films , with a separate dining area / bar . When you walk into the building you check in to the right and if you would like to buy merch . it is to the left . You take a few steps more and the bar is to the right and the bar / dining seating is to the left . They do have a more intimate seating area a little further up that had a couch , chair and love seat . And guess who was standing by that area when we got there ? None other than Bob Schneider himself . Of course we went straight over there and stood in the shortest line we have ever stood in and got to shake his hand and have a picture taken with him . My husband apologized because we only found out about him 6 months ago . Bob graciously said better late to the party than never . I said but , we have seen you in concert 3 times . He seemed pleasantly surprised to hear that . We thanked him and moved on . Bob continued to do his meet and greet . There are two halls . One with a side were the ladies room was and another where the men 's room was . Down those halls are the doors the the bottom floor of the where the concert is . We started a line in front of one of the halls . There are stairs where you can go up and sit in high back leather chairs and look over the rail down at whoever is playing . On the bottom floor at the very front is the stage . Then there are maybe 8 to 10 tables with 4 seats at each table . Kind of like when you go to a comedy club . The rows of chairs start directly behind the tables . There is a little isle up the middle . There are a few more chairs on the back wall . Then people stand again the walls on both levels . As I said it is quite intimate . What is the concert etiquette policy ? We want everyone to be relaxed and have a great experience . Our shows range from dancing and heavy metal to classical and singer songwriters , so the norms may change per show . A good rule of thumb is to go by what other concertgoers are doing . If they are clapping , singing and dancing then you should , too ; but if they are sitting quietly and listening intently to every sound then you probably should too . We saw a video of a couple of ladies that were at a concert and apparently wouldn 't stop talking . Someone complained so the talkers were asked to leave the club . The women still didn 't stop talking and ended up being recorded . It is on YouTube . It was also picked up on a few news sources . I will post the video the on Wednesday . The only reason I brought this up is because there were some talkers at our show . I told them to shut up a couple of times . They were pretty messed up . Bob even commented and told him he could handle the show on his own that he didn 't need any help . Then during a song that was kind of a biography about a friend of his that passed away they were laughing hysterically . After Bob finished the song he said I didn 't know Satan and his entourage were here tonight . I wanted to ask the staff to ask them to be quit . Not necessarily ask them to leave but to please stop talking . But , I didn 't want to miss any of the show so I stay seated . I have to say that the Kessler is in the nice part of North Oak Cliff . The staff were wonderful people and very kind . Michael had to give the guy with the dreads a hard time . You will understand after you see the video on Wednesday . I have heard of some great places to eat around the Kessler as well . As a matter of fact on of my coworkers lives not far from the Kessler and loves it there . Anyway , back to Bob Schneider . He played 40 dogs ( Romeo and Juliet ) . The video I left for you last Friday . That is probably my very favorite song of his . He played Honey Pot and a host of other songs . The cool thing is he sells a copy of the show right after the concert is over on these cool lego that looks like him that is also a USB drive . We haven 't purchased a show yet . We might one day . He has great songs . Some are love songs , some are tacky and of course he funny songs . There is something for everyone . This show He played the guitar , A rhythm shaker , keyboard , and trumpet . He had foot peddles to help him add layers so the songs always sounded great . Sorry the quality of the pictures are so bad . I didn 't use the flash . I wasn 't sure if I was supposed to take pictures or not . So this is the best I could do . There is a few hundred seats at the Kessler so it is quite intimate and that is what made the concert so cool . It was like we had Bob Schneider jamming session in our living room with some of our closest friends and family . We are really looking forward to seeing him in Arlington in September . That concert will be with his whole band . The show we saw him at Billy Bobs was with his entire band and they were fantastic . Bob plays at the Kessler every 3 months so I know we will be heading back there soon to see him in action once again . We either want to get a table or go up stairs to the high back chairs . I am sure it will depend on if we have friends to go with us or if we decide to go alone . If you sit at the tables he asks for requests . Michael is really wanting to hear him play Batman live . That is a fun song . You should look it and other songs up on YouTube or other places to see what you think of him . Be sure and let me know what you think . When the show was over and the lights came up we saw the four idiots that were talking . They were so messed up I have no idea how they could talk . I hope they had a DD . If they don 't have a DD I sure hope they have someone else drive them or I hope they lived close and were able to walk home . One guy was so messed up he could hardly keep his eyes open . It was probably a good idea I didn 't get them kicked out . They probably would have wanted to fight . Of course it probably would have been comical to see that . Even with that I still would go back to the Kessler in a heart beat . The situation had nothing to do with the venue or the performer . It was with the people who didn 't know how to hold their liquor . We are going to a Bob Schneider concert tomorrow . I am really looking forward to seeing him again . The first time I saw him was at Bill Bobs . It was awesome . The show was like none I have ever been to . The second time I saw him was in Fort Worth at Bar Louise . That wasn 't the best idea . It wasn 't really the best place for a concert . We couldn 't really hear or see him . I was in pain so I took some medicine and it made me very sleepy . It 's kind of funny to look back on it now . I would fall asleep during the song and when it was over I would wake up and start to clap . Until Michael decided we better get out of there . I wanted to be there because I really like his songs and Michael was so excited about the show that I just couldn 't bring myself to tell him we couldn 't go to the show . I would do it again in a minute ! This video and song above is one of my favorite 's . I hope you guys enjoy it . The crazy thing is Bob Schneider has a variety of songs that are all different styles . If you do not like one song just wait and the next song will be completely different . Bob 's versatility is what I like so much . Like I said above the concerts where you can actually see and hear him are awesome . One of his band members plays of 4 or 5 maybe more instruments . He doesn 't stand still during the entire show . He comes out into the crowd . He falls down gets back up plays his instrument and sings and doesn 't miss a beat . I don 't know how the other guys are not distracted . I am mesmerized by him . Saturday I was useless . I was hurting to bad to do anything so I just rested . I read , slept and watched movies . I was a complete and utter lazy bum ! Sunday we were on the go . We got up and went to church . It was the best service we have been at Keystone Church yet ! If you click on Keystone Church it will take you to the service . We ran home after service and changed in to shorts and t - shirts . We swung by the movie theater and Michael jumped out and bought the tickets . It was 11 : 30 AM and our movie wasn 't until 2 : 00 PM . So we had some time to kill . So , we went to eat at Olive Garden . It was supper yummy Michael got tour of Italy and I got the make your own past . Shrimp primavera come to mama ! We had a ton of time to kill so we went to Kirkland 's . I love that store . We didn 't buy anything but we sure could have . We always find things we like there . We still had half an hour to kill so we ran to Havertys . We are on the look out for the perfect sectional . We have a small house but , our living area is quite large . It could have been two rooms . Oh well , you live you learn . We found some we liked but , I don 't think we found THE one quite yet . Michael is determined I need a nice comfortable recliner . I can 't sit in our living room for long because all the furniture hurts my back . We finally made it to the movies . We went to see Paper Towns . John Green wrote the book . I really enjoyed this movie . It was right along the lines with the book from what I recall . I don 't want to say much but , we both enjoyed this film . I think this one is for both girls and guys . We ended up in with several young teen girls . My poor husband one the only guy there . What a trooper . But again , I honestly feel guys would like this movie as well . I absolutely loved the Fault in Our Stars as I mentioned a few posts ago . What I don 't think I mentioned is that the movie wasn 't as good as the book was to me . I have to note that I do watch the movie pretty much each time I am looking for something to watch and I run across this movie . After we went to the movies I dropped Michael off at home and went to see my other best friend . Her mom recently passed away and she has started a garden for her . I picked up a couple potted plants for her . I don 't care where she puts them . She is enjoying gardening . I used to love gardening . I wasn 't great at it . But now my back is like , um no . You don 't get to do that . I have know for a while that Blake would be moving out and into a townhouse with a couple of his friends . I guess in my mind since it was his Sr . and he has been moving out to go to school it would be like any other time . Except it wasn 't this time . Friday morning rolls around and I go into his room to give him a hug and kiss goodbye . I stopped in my tracks . As I walked into his room my breath was taken away . There was no bed . His room felt so very empty . As I am giving him a hug he knows what is coming and he is hugging me back saying don 't do it , don 't do it as I begin to cry and I choke out , it 's too late . We finish the hug and I give him a quick kiss and I am trying to get out of the house so I can try to breath again . My heart hurt so much . Yeah , I now how I was saying it was a bit ridiculous when I cry . I can 't help it . This one really hurt . How do you move pass this gaping hole in your heart . We got rid of his childhood bed a year or so ago . So both rooms that he grew up feel so empty . Off and on through the day I would start to get choked up . I called one of my best friend as I was heading to his place after work and asked how she handled it . It felt good just to talk to my childhood friend about it . This is a picture of his room . As you can see quite a bit of things are still there . But in the corner of the right side of the picture , that is where his bed sat . It is empty now . That is how I felt when I saw it . It is bitter sweet . As much as my heart aches for him because he is growing up . I am so very proud of him and can 't wait to see what he does or accomplishes next . This is when you walk into his room and go all the way to the far right . That little door that is open goes to his little bath room . And it is little . That black shelf to the right is his first attempt at painting . All of the furniture is black or brown . The coffee table / TV stand is a combination of both . This is a shot is when I stood by the little bathroom . Blake was trying to get that shelf to match the desk . There are three bed rooms and 2 bathrooms on the second floor . Blake 's is tiny . Then the other two boys will share the larger bath room . There is a 1 / 2 bath down stairs as well . I only took one other picture . I didn 't want to be too intrusive . That is so you could be introduced to the other two young men that will be living at the townhouse with him . and Gavin is all the way on the right . Each boy brought a love seat to sit on and they have a big screen TV in the living room . Each of them have a nice TV in each of their rooms as well . If you look to the right that is the entrance to dinning room . The kitchen is to the right and the dinning room to the left . The washer and dryer are in a nice size room on the right side . It has a door so they an keep the mess at bay . The doors you see go to the back yard . It is mostly a huge tree with the roots exposed and enough room for them to grill and have a few friends over . This is the Church my husband and I just started going to . We really enjoy it . This is actually the sermon from Sunday , July 25 , 2015 . The first part is the sermon only from the 1st service . Then there is a break because they had a baptisim weekend going on . The praise and worship portion of the sencond service starts up at 1 : 15 : 53 . Then it goes into the 2nd service . Blake is moved into a townhouse this weekend . He has two room mates and each will have their own room . Blake got lucky and ended up with the master bedroom that has a bathroom all to his self . I don 't recall if they drew straw or what . He has shared a room with one of his room mates for the last year and a half of school . His room mate also lived with us this summer . Although he stayed with various friends on occation . He is a supper nice young man . His other room mate I have not met yet . I think Michael has met him a few times and I know I have heard the boys talk about him . All good things . Of course if they didn 't care for him he wouldn 't be shareing a place with them . I can 't believe Blake only has one year of college left . That is if all goes according to plan . It has taken him longer than the average bear to graduate college . He went to Texas Weslyan his first year of college . The first semester he wanted to majore in Computer Science . The second semester he changed the degree to Kinesiology . He decided on Texas Weslyan because they signed him in baseball in the Fall of his Sr . year in High School . This was Blake at the start of his Sr . year in High Scool After his first year he decided he would rather move to another college . That college ended up being Carol Albert in Poteau , Oklahoma . You pronounce the name of the town like poe toe . It was a very tiny town . He decided to live 5 hours a way from his mama so he could play baseball . Oh my word did it hurt everytime we would go see him . I guess I can admit I was a little rediculous . I would litterally sob as if I would never see him again . That is how I really felt . We had never been that far away from him for that length of time in his life . The first time we left him I cried so hard and so much I fell asleep , woke up and cried some more until we got home . It was horable . As rediculous as it is , I would probably be the same way . After 2 years he received his associates degree in Kinesiology . It took him additional year to get his Associates because the classes he took at Texas Wesleyan basically didn 't transfer . Or very few did . Texas Weslyan was basically a waste of time and money . Great school . It was just a waste for Blake . Carl Albert was a junior college so he had to move on to another college . On the upside he was ready to move back to Texas . Fortunately for me he chose to go to the University of North Texas in Denton , Texas . It is only a half hour from our house . He absolutly has loved going to this school . The only issue was when he started to go to school there he changed his degree plan to Accounting . He was so miserable . I went up to him and told him I could see how miserable he was and asked if he wanted to change his degree plan again . He said yes . I told Blake that if he did change his degree plan that he needed to NOT think about what anyone else wanted for him . I wanted him to really sit and think what would make him happy . After a while he decided on Health Promotion . There are a lot of various career paths you can take with a Health Promotion degree . The good thing about that is it went along beautifully with his associates degree . I think he will be very happy with his choice . Once he starts school this fall it will be his last year of college . His grades have been great . He has only fail one class in college and that was Anatomy 1 . From what I understand that is a VERY hard class . Or at least from all the people I have talked to that had to take that course . Blake took Anatomy 1 and passed this summer and went ahead and took a couple of other classes he needs this summer and so far so good . Blake is so very excited about his first place . We were mean parents and made him live in the dorms until his final year of school . I give him a hard time for growning up and moving out . When he was little he promised me he would live with me forever . The little brat is breaking a verbal contract . Can you believe that ? Before we get started please note I am not part of either organization nor do I know anyone that works at either organization . What I state here is my opinion or information I got directly off their website . Thank you . When I was getting my hair cut to donate I mentioned to my aunt that I would be donating my hair to Locks of Love . Debby told me that she no longer has them up on her website because she heard that Locks of Love charges kids for the wigs instead of giving them away . I was surprised and told her that I would do research on both Locks of Love and Wigs for Kids before I made a final decision as to where I would donate my hair . I chose to go with Locks of Love because I have gray hair . I did not know at the time I started growing out my hair that they would sell of the hair with gray in it . But that is my fault for not researching enough before I stareted all of this . Besides , it is still helping out . I am only putting what the hair requirements are because there is just way to much information . In the long run this is the basic information you will need to know . If you would like to know more about either company click on the firm name and it will take you to the website . I also included the web address for each firm . Hair that has been bleached ( usually this refers to highlighted hair ) is not usable . If unsure , ask your stylist . We are not able to accept bleached hair due to a chemical reaction that occurs during the manufacturing process . * * If the hair was bleached years ago and has completely grown out it is fine to donate . We cannot accept dreadlocks . Our manufacturer is not able to use them in our children 's hairpieces . We also cannot accept wigs , falls , hair extensions or synthetic hair . I decided to stick with Locks of Love because they would still be able to use my hair . I have grey hair . And Wigs for Kids would not take it . according to their list . Locks of Love does have allowances for a lot more hair than Wigs for Kids . That is fine . There is nothing wrong with setting guidelines . Wondering how to donate your hair ? Hair donation length must be a minimum of 12 inches to ensure that we can provide prosthetics for children who wish for long hair . It takes twenty to thirty ponytails or braids to create one Hair Replacement . We cannot accept hair that has been chemically processed - - perms , color treated or highlights . Natural color or highlights that wash out are acceptable . Hair that has been chemically processed will not withstand the chemical processing to sanitize the hair . We no longer accept gray hair . Hair that is donated must be clean and dry before mailing . Your hair can be cut at a local salon or for a listing of salons click here . Contact the salon to check whether they offer discounted or free services and for hair donation requirements . The Vlogbrothers , DFTBA and Locks of Love The Vlogbrothers AKA DFTBA are very well known on YouTube . The Vlogbrothers are just that , brothers . Their names are John and Hank Green . John is the oldest of the two . Not only do they have multiple YouTube channels they are both very talented in their own right . For instance , John Green is a New York Times bestselling author . John typically writes books for teens . John wrote The Fault in Our Stars which was adapted into a movie . John also wrote Paper Towns which is also turned into a movie . Paper Towns was release this past weekend . I am looking forward to seeing that movie . These are just two of a number of books John Green has written . The Fault in Our Stars is by far my favorite book that Mr . Green has ever written . It is the only book that I have ever read and immediately opened it up and started reading again . As a matter of fact , I wated to read the book again . But could not because I let someone borrow my copy of The Fault in Our Stars . So I purchased it electronically . Hank Green is a musician , song writer and Singer . He has put out a number of CD 's . I have listened to Hanks music on YouTube but , I have never purchased any of his work yet . Sorry Hank ! Another thing that Hank is very well known for is inventing VIDCON . This past weekend was the 6th annual VIDCON . This is a conference for YouTubers to be able to get together and meet each other creators as well as collaborate . It gives the smaller YouTube channels an opportunity to be found by some of the larger YouTuber 's that migh give them a shout out on their channel and get them some viewers from some of their fans . It also gives them an opportuinity to meet other smaller YouTubers who can support one another . This convention also gives fans an opportunity to meet their favorite YouTuber / vloggers that they have followed for days , weeks , months or years . Vidcon has grown like wild fire . This year was the crazyiest out of all of them . Everyone involved works their tails off . Once a year in Autom The Vlogbrothers host something they call Project For Awesome . This is when they challenge not only their viewer but , other YouTubers and their viewers to do something awesome for other people . One of the project for awesome was to raise money for water . org . That is only one of many that is done each year . It is increadable to watch so many people come together with wanderful ideas of helping others . For years I have been wanting to do something to contribute to Project for Awesome . So in November of 2011 I decided I was going to grow my hair out for Locks of Love . We have had a number of family members pass away from cancer . It is very hard to watch someone you love go through that , much less a child . So I wanted to help in some small way . This picture was from Oct 25 , 2011 . We watched Davis the young man on the left and his older brother Derrick play flag football . This was just after one of the games . As you can see from the above photo my hair was quite short . I knew going into this it was going to be a long term goal . It had been almost a year since I made the desision to grow my hair out for Locks of Love . So that means it was at least a year since the last time I had my hair cut . I decided to go to one of the very in expensive hair cutting facilities where people just getting out of training end up getting hired . I thought , oh this is just a trim . I do not need to spend a lot when I am only getting a trim . All I wanted was to have the dead ends trimmed off and try to keep it healthy until I was ready to do the final cut . The lady that cut my hair said we were finished . She went on to say we will be able to cut off the last bit of layer by your next hair cut . I asked her how much would need to be cut off if we cut it off now . She said 2 inches . I asked her where it would hit after she cut the final layer off . She showed me on my back . I told her to go ahead . I was thinking with the " trim " and the additional 2 inches of layer I agreed to have cut off it would be a total of 3 inches cut off . I didn 't really look at my hair after the 2nd time she cut it . I was ready to get home . When I got in my car and realized I was no longer sitting back against my hair was my first indication something wasn 't quite right with this cut . When I got home I had my husband measure where the length was and where it was now and come to find out she cut at least 5 to 7 inches off . I about passed out . I could not believe that much had been cut off . I was in shock . Then I decided that it was alright . It is just hair . Besides , I would have had to cut the layered part out eventually . It was a good thing to go ahead and do it then . I am not sure if this picture really shows how long my hair really was . It was a few inches past the bottom strap of my bra . I was very ready to get my hair cut off . I really wanted my Aunt Debby to be part of this . She has a hair salon in Copperas Cove . We were going to be down in that area for a family reunion so I called her to set up an appoint ment for July 3 , 2015 . I was doing great after my aunt cut my hair . She is laughing so hard because she wanted the little wisps of hair in front of my ears and I wanted them behind . The picture before this one I was making a face like you are driving me crazy ! Kind of like a teen age girl with her mother . haha I have to admit that I cried as we left the salon and the realization that my hair was short hit me . I basically ended where I started from . ( see two pics above ) I didn 't sob or cry a ton but , there were tears . It wasn 't because I didn 't like the cut . It was because it was such a shock to have such long hair to such short hair . The only direction I gave my aunt was , I want it easy to manage . That is all I told my Aunt . Aunt Debby did a fantastic job . It is far easier to style my hair now . I hope in the shower , get out and blow dry the bangs and a little bit of top and maybe put a curl or two in . It just depends on the day . I LOVE IT ! This picture doesn 't do the hair style justice . I have gotten a ton of compliments . Many saying I look younger . After I color my hair I think I will look much younger . Maybe I can get that accomplished in the next week or two . Who knows ! It obvioulsy doesn 't bother me THAT much to have a ton of gray hair . haha I feel very silly that they sent me a certificate of appreciation . I asked that they email me letting me know my hair made it . I really wanted to know that the 12 " of hair that took almost 4 years of growth made it to the right place . It is very kind of them to send out certificates . . |
March 7 , 2017 Linden sat in numb silence between the two soldiers . The statement that they had a plane to catch didn 't make any impression . He hardly took note of the long ride and the way it was taking him farther away from his mother with every minute that passed . That all came later . But there was finally an end to the trip , at least that part of it . They got out of the car and walked from an almost - empty parking lot to an almost - empty airport waiting room . Linden started to wake out of his stupor and looked around . The place didn 't look anything like the airports in movies . The waiting room was small and he could see the airfield from the big windows . There were no big passenger jets , just one small plane , looking lonely and , somehow , ominous . Sharing the waiting room with him were more soldiers and a few kids his own age . A soldier with a clipboard in his hand , walked over to him . " This Linden Thomas ? " At a nod from one of Linden 's guards , the man made a mark on the clipboard and said , " We 're all here , then . I 'll let the pilot know we 're nearly ready to go . " Linden became aware that someone was staring at him . When he lifted his eyes to the huddled group of kids , he saw three girls and three boys . One of the girls was crying . One boy 's eyes were suspiciously red and swollen , and he glared at Linden as if he was to blame for their being here . Or maybe he was making them late . He didn 't know and he didn 't care . He clenched his fists and glared back , then walked over to a seat near the wall . The soldier with the clipboard stepped in front of him . Instead of the clipboard , he was holding a metal bracelet . " Why ? " Linden asked , the spirit of resistance suddenly raising its head . It was much too late , but it made him feel alive for the first time since he 'd walked away from his home . " Suppose I don 't ? " The soldier closed his eyes , mumbled something and then gave him the expression that adults gave kids who were being annoying . " It won 't get you anywhere , you know . Just give me your arm . " Linden didn 't move . He watched the man 's hand reach for his arm . Watched the bracelet being put around his wrist and heard the snap of a catch . It wasn 't his arm , he decided . He would simply refuse to accept that it was his arm , encircled by a bracelet of cold , hard metal . The hand let go of his arm and he let it drop . It took with it the brief flareup of rebellion and the cold numbness returned . When a door opened a few minutes later , Linden followed the others out onto the tarmac and up the metal steps into the sleek two - engine plane . He 'd never flown before , and a little voice in the back of his head kept trying to tell him he should be excited . He let himself be directed to a seat , let the drone of the engines lull him . He ignored the voices of the soldiers in quiet conversation , and the sudden cry from one of the girls : " I want to go home , " and the sobbing that followed . He dropped into a shallow doze that was broken just for a few seconds , every now and then by a raised voice . The first bump when the plane hit an air pocket jerked him fully awake , panicked . But no one else seemed alarmed , and he allowed himself to drift off again . Vague thoughts floated through his mind and disappeared . He should look out the window and see what the world looked like from up here . He should pay attention to what was going on around him . He should remember all this so he could tell his mother about it , later . The thoughts faded and he slept again . Suddenly , it seemed to him , they had arrived at another airport and were leaving the plane . There was another long ride , in a van this time , with the other children and the soldiers who 'd been on the plane with them . The slamming of a heavy metal gate finally brought him out of his daze . He got out of the van with the others and found that they were surrounded by buildings that said ' college , ' but it didn 't look anything like the pictures in the brochure . We 're here . Wherever here is . The van drove off , and the soldiers who 'd come with them headed to another part of the campus . Eight adults stood in front of the small group . One was a tall man in a uniform that was much fancier than the ones the soldiers had worn , and with shiny decorations on the shoulders . He stepped forward and ran his eyes over the seven children . " You look tired , youngsters . It 's been a long trip and I 'm sure you 'd like to rest . I 'm Major Cornwell , provost of Merriman College . I want to welcome you as the latest members of this year 's class . And the last to arrive . " Linden stared at him , trying to work out the meaning of the uniform and the rank , and everything suddenly clicked into place . He shuddered . If this was a military academy , he wasn 't going to survive . He 'd failed his high school 's compulsory cadet training program quite spectacularly . They 'd thought it was just a bit of childish rebellion , that he would give in eventually , but he hadn 't . He refused to wear a uniform . He refused to march . He refused to learn the commands or the stupid pledge that they were supposed to recite . He 'd won , as far as that was possible . He had to attend , but he 'd been allowed to sit on the sidelines while the other students drilled . He was sure that failure here would be get him more than reprimands and a bad grade on his report . I 'm not the only one . I bet none of them want to be here . The major confirmed every hateful word of the instructions , every word from Mrs . Kinney 's lips . He 'd been tracked , like an animal , and all they had to do was wait for the right time to capture him . He 'd never had a chance . Maybe some of the students were proud of having been selected . Maybe they even liked it here , but he would never be one of them . The major waved his hand at the other adults and stepped back into the line with them . " These are your tutors . They will also be your advisors and , we hope , your friends . They will be sharing your quarters , and their first job will be getting you settled in . Tomorrow , they 'll accompany you to the orientation for the incoming class . " The tutors were dressed identically in exercise clothes , in shades of gray and black . They each carried a clipboard , and it didn 't take a genius , Linden thought , to figure out that the new students ' photos were right on top . The adults knew exactly who was who . They introduced themselves and led their charges away , all heading for the same building , chatting as they went . Linden 's tutor was a man with a sour face and stiff posture . He certainly wasn 't the one Linden would have chosen if he 'd had a choice . He wondered briefly if he 'd ever have a choice about anything , ever again . Exhausted , hungry , and expected to accept as his tutor and advisor - and friend - a man who clearly wasn 't happy to see him , Linden dawdled , letting himself fall behind . If he got lost in the building , Tobias could just come and find him . He was almost disappointed to find the tutor waiting for him inside , his arms folded , disapproval coming off him like a heat wave . Tobias had started toward a stairway . He stopped and spun around . " Let 's get one thing straight , right now . I 'm not going to put up with any insolence . My job is to keep you on track with your studies , and that 's what I 'm going to do . You don 't have to like me , but I expect a minimum of courtesy . " " That would be a lot easier if you showed me some . " Linden put his hand out and leaned against the wall , suddenly dizzy . He shook his head to clear it , and with the last of his energy , he said , " I just want to be treated like I 'm a student and not a prisoner . " The hallway at the top of the stairs was bleak , with a dozen or so doors on either side before it turned a corner . " This floor in this wing is for new students . There 's a print map of the building and the campus , next to the stairway , and it 's also on your computer . " Tobias put his hand to a plate next to the last door on their right . " Put your hand here and let the building register your identity . Your hand print lets you in and out . It also keeps a record of exits and entrances . " Linden was too tired to ask why , and Tobias didn 't volunteer the information . He already had the feeling that Tobias wasn 't much of a talker and wasn 't going to tell him anything that wasn 't absolutely necessary . How was he going to find any good in this situation if he had this antagonistic man hanging over him all the time ? He stopped in the now open doorway , appalled . He could see the entire place from where they were standing , in a small bedroom that was the center of the apartment . The bed was just a few feet in front of him . The rooms were small , efficiently arranged , and as cheerless as the hallway . With the exception of the white walls , everything was in shades of gray , even the bed covering . The light from the window above the bed didn 't do a thing to brighten the place up . Linden took a few steps in that direction and looked in . The space was even smaller than his own , and just as dreary . But what gave him an unpleasant feeling in his chest , was that though the beds were separated by a wall , there was no door . Neither of them would have any real privacy . The room to the right of the entrance , a study , also lacked a door . It had a worktable with a computer and two tablets , two chairs , and a few shelves on one wall . It was also the route to the bathroom . That did have a door . " I don 't wear my uniform when I 'm serving in this function . We 're usually short regular tutors because the student body is growing quickly . Support staff has to fill in until . . . " " Until none of your business , " he snapped out . Go take a shower and change your clothes , " he added , leaving Linden with one more thing to think about . " You 'll feel better . I 'll take you down to the cafeteria afterwards . " " My clothes are in the drawers at my end of the room . Yours are in the middle section . The rest are for towels , sheets , etc . , and winter wear . " He pulled out a pair of what looked like yoga pants , a pair of boxer briefs , and a long - sleeved henley , all dark green , and tossed them on Linden 's bed . Linden decided that from now on he wouldn 't ask Tobias anything that he could figure out for himself . He picked up the clothes and went to find out what the bathroom was like . Like the rest of the apartment , the bathroom was utilitarian and not an inch bigger than necessity demanded . There was a shower , but no tub . The floor and shower enclosure were tiled in white and shades of gray . " Great color scheme , " he muttered . " Nobody will ever be able to tell if the place needs to be cleaned . " He avoided looking at Tobias when he came back out . A quick glance had been enough . He wondered whether the anger had anything to do with him , or was just part of the man 's personality . " The clothes fit okay . " Linden followed silently , keeping his head down . He didn 't want anyone to see that he 'd been crying . He 'd sat on the shower floor letting the water pour over him until it started to cool , and he remembered that Tobias was waiting for him . Tobias would expect him to eat . Tobias would expect him to get up in the morning , and he didn 't know if he could do that . Linden lay on his bed , not moving , trying not to think . They 'd walked home in silence , and as soon as Carrie closed the door behind them , she tried to put her arms around him . He 'd managed not to cry before , but her comfort was more than he would have been able to resist . He pushed her away , ran upstairs to his room , and shut the door . Two or three times , as the afternoon passed , he heard her walking quietly up the stairs and coming to his doorway . She waited a few seconds each time , and then went away again . He was making things worse for her , and that made him feel guilty , but he didn 't know what to do about it . He didn 't think he 'd miss school too much , but he couldn 't imagine his life without his mom . When would he see her again , and how would she manage without him ? She depended on him for so many things since his dad died . He couldn 't leave her to manage on her own , but he couldn 't think of any way to keep it from happening . He thought about running away and hiding , but they might keep coming back and , eventually , they 'd find him . And they might do something terrible to his mom if he disappeared . " Mom ! What are you doing ? You said we can 't afford that sausage anymore . We 're going to be eating beans and rice the rest of the month to make up - . Oh ! " The pain went through him again and his knees went so weak he was afraid he 'd fall down . The words came bursting out , an agonizing flood that he couldn 't hold back any longer . " I can 't leave you , Mom . You 'll be all alone . Who 's going to help you if your asthma gets worse , or you get sick ? Who 's going to fix the sink if it leaks again ? Those people … they don 't understand that I can 't go , no matter how important they think it is . I 'll talk to them when they come . I 'll explain everything and they 'll go away and leave us alone . " " Hush now . " Carrie 's arms were around him , and he clung to her as if it was the last time . " They probably know everything about us , not just your schooling . They 're not going to listen . They 've been watching you for years , without us even knowing , and now they want you . You heard what Mrs . Kinney said . The government needs good minds , and you have a marvelous mind . They 'll educate you and then you 'll find work that can help make this world better . That isn 't such a bad thing , is it ? " Linden shook his head frantically . " I don 't care about that , Mom . I just want to stay home with you . And I want to finish high school , even if most of my classes are boring and my teachers are idiots . " Linden usually hated it when his mother called him Baby , but this time it sank into him with such warmth and sweetness that he nearly cried . It reminded him how she always tried to find some good in whatever happened , no matter how bad it was . The only time he 'd known her to fail was when his dad was killed at work . For a little while , he thought she 'd accepted it , but when she finally broke down , he 'd realized she just hadn 't absorbed the truth , that his dad wasn 't ever coming home , that they would never see him again . She 'd clung to him for a long time after that , hardly letting him out of her sight whenever he was home . When he left for school each day , he 'd look back from way down the block and see her standing on the stoop , watching him walk away from her . He couldn 't go , and that was that . He was afraid of what she might do if he left her alone . They 'd never talked about it , but he 'd known that she wanted to die back then , during that awful time . This wouldn 't be the same , but he would be older and different when he came home for a visit . And she would be different too . Even if she was okay and managed without him , it would change her . But she 'd already changed , hadn 't she ? He 'd never have his mother back again , just the way she 'd been before they were left alone to take care of each other . The silly things she loved to say were mostly gone . She avoided talking about things that really mattered . Right now she was more like her old self , telling him it would be okay , that they 'd find a way to make it okay . This wouldn 't be okay though , not ever . How could he let their little family be torn apart and make something good out of it ? " Linden , please don 't . You know you 'll get upset , and that will make me upset , and then , when you have to go , that 's how we 'll both remember it . It 's breaking my heart , but I 'm trying to look at it the way Mrs . Kinney said , that it 's an honor . You were chosen because you 're so brilliant . You 're special . I 've always known it . Now someone else does . " Her pleas were weakening Linden 's resolve , but he shook his head . " I don 't care if it 's supposed to be an honor . They can let someone else have it . " Carrie let him go , took a step back , and sighed . " Let 's not talk about it now . I fixed everything you like , and you need to eat instead of working yourself into a tizzy . Please . " " It wasn 't that much . " She looked almost happy now . " I bought plain ground pork and added the spices . I wasn 't sure how it would work out , but it 's almost like real sausage , isn 't it ? I wanted to surprise you . Is it really good ? " " It 's great . I don 't know how you do that - make ordinary stuff into something that tastes so expensive . Now we can have it more often . " He dropped his fork as his words came back at him like a physical blow . When he looked up , he saw the misery in his mother 's face . There wouldn 't be any more meals like this . He stood up , kicked his chair back and ran up to his room . This can 't be happening . This can 't be happening . The words rolled around in his head until he fell asleep , his pillow soaking up the last of his tears . It was still there when he woke up the next morning : this can 't be happening . Only two days remained before his life was over . Misery swamped him and he pulled the covers over his head . This can 't be happening . This can 't be happening . But it is . He threw the covers back and sat up . He was still determined to fight when the time came , but if he spent the last two days making them both miserable , he 'd always regret it . Even if he had to put on an act , he 'd try to make his mom feel better about the honor . He didn 't want her last memories of him , for however long before they saw each other again , to be a sour face and complaints . When he padded into the kitchen , still barefoot and in his pajamas , and saw her face , he knew he 'd made the right decision . The dark circles under her eyes and the tight lines around her mouth reminded him of that day . The cup of coffee she was holding reminded him of his first and only taste of real coffee . His dad had splurged and bought her a quarter pound of the real stuff for her birthday . Linden had been allowed a sip and had reacted with disgust . How could something that smelled so wonderful taste so awful ? His mom and dad had both laughed at him . What was in her cup now wasn 't the real stuff . It didn 't even smell like it . He wished he could buy her some before he left . But even if he had the money , where would he buy it ? Months ago , there had been a news story about how almost all the coffee trees in the world were dead now , of some disease they didn 't know how to stop . Two big corporations had bought up every bean that had been produced for the last few years . Now only rich people could afford real coffee . There were other things you couldn 't get in grocery stores anymore , but that was the only one he really cared about . And chocolate . " Morning , Mom . What do you want to do today ? " He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her cheek . " Let 's do something we 'll both enjoy . I promise , no more moaning and complaining . If I have to go , I 'll do my best to make you proud of me . " He wanted to turn his face away , afraid she 'd see right through the lie , but he let her look her fill , and was finally rewarded with a small smile . " Well , then , how about real eggs ? " A smile spread over her face . " Mrs . Compton 's chickens are laying well right now , and she sold me a half dozen . " " Really real ? " Linden threw his arms around her again , and the hug she returned made him want to never let go . " The good sausage last night and real eggs today - it 's going to be harder than ever to leave . " He tried to make it sound like a joke , but couldn 't quite manage it . " Right , " Carrie said . " Promise you 'll let me know as soon as you get there . Or as soon as you can . I guess that 's one of the things you 'll have to find out about - keeping in touch . And vacations . " " What friends , Mom ? I 'm one of the outies . Besides , if anybody even noticed I wasn 't in classes , they 'd just think I had a cold or something . " Linden laughed at the idea . " She isn 't a friend . She doesn 't even like me . I think she hates that I can write A papers and she can 't do better than a C - . Mr . Shaw assigned us to work together , otherwise , she probably wouldn 't come near me . " He shrugged . He wished she hadn 't brought it up . It was too late for it to matter , and it was the kind of thing that just made her sad . " There wasn 't anything to talk about . You couldn 't have done anything about it . It isn 't anybody 's fault . It 's just me . I 'm not super friendly , and I don 't like the things they like , so they think I 'm a snob . " Carrie sighed and took his hand . " I don 't know , sweetheart . Maybe going away to this college will be a good thing . If everybody 's picked for their brains , maybe you 'll find some friends there . " She patted his hand absent - mindedly . " It doesn 't make up for you being dragged away like this , but if some good can come out of it … " She sighed again . " I just feel so helpless ? " " I know , Mom . But it will be okay once I get used to it . " It was one more lie , but if it made her feel better , he 'd lie from the time he got up in the morning until he went to bed . The last evening was the hardest . They watched a movie that they 'd seen more times than they could count , but that always made them laugh . Linden lay with his head in his mother 's lap , and was horrified when his laughter turned to hysterical tears . Carrie brushed her fingers through his hair , over and over , making soft shushing noises and murmuring , " It 's okay love , it 's okay . Just cry it out . We 'll be together again , maybe soon . The holidays are only a few months away . " When he could finally find the breath for speech , he tried to apologize . " I wanted it to be nice this evening . And I 'm too old to be crying , anyway . " " I am too old . I 'm almost 16 , " Linden protested , and felt a movement against his head that , if he 'd looked , would have been Carrie trying not to laugh . But he would also have seen tears threatening to spill down her cheeks . They were still at the breakfast table when the knock at the door came . Linden had been picking at his food , hating to waste it , but too tied up in knots to tolerate either the smell or the taste . His heart began to pound heavily and he felt like he might vomit . Carrie put her fork down and got up from the table , very slowly , as if she was in a daze . Another knock and Linden jumped up , trying to put himself between his mother and the door . Carrie took him by the shoulders and gently moved him aside . " You promised , Linden . Don 't make this harder than it has to be , please . " The words had no life behind them , just like the last time she 'd sounded like this - after his father 's death . " I 'll let them in , Mom . Stay here . " He wanted to tell her it would be all right , but he couldn 't get this last lie out of his mouth . He nodded and backed away from the door , right into his mother . He leaned into her as she put her hands firmly on his shoulders . " You 're here to take my son away from me ? " Linden was surprised to hear anger in her voice , rather than sorrow or pleading . The man closest to Linden flushed slightly . " I 'm sorry , m ' am . Those are our orders . " Then , to Linden , " It 's time to go , son . " Linden 's arguments , the protests he 'd intended , died . These men had no power to change anything , he realized . He was just a job they 'd been given . He turned and buried his face in Carrie 's shoulder . Wrapping her arms around him , she held him tight . " Mom , " he murmured , his voice shaking . " Mom . " He couldn 't find any more words . " Go on , Sweetheart . You 'll be fine . I 'll be fine . Make me proud . I know your dad would be so proud of you if he could be here . " A large hand on his shoulder pulled him gently but steadily away from her . " Let 's go , young man . We have a plane to catch . " He didn 't really know how it happened , but they were suddenly halfway to a black car parked by the curb before he turned around for a last look . Carrie was standing on the stoop , her face blank , her hands gripping her upper arms as if she was holding herself together . When she saw Linden look back , she lifted one hand and waved to him . Then he was being pushed into the back seat of the car . With a soldier on each side of him , the car glided quietly away from everything he had ever known . February 25 , 2017 The energy tide , that is . I 've had to take several breaks from the revision of Privileged Lives , but I 'm down to the final chapter today . A lot of tightening up reduced the word count enough that I 've been able to build up weak areas without making the book longer . 93 , 000 + words is a good length to maintain . Next will come several editing runs , then spell check , a round or two of ProWritingAid , and a final proofread . The cover is still ahead , with the first viable idea since I wrote the darn thing . Oops . I was going to start serializing it yesterday . Fibro fog or just old - fashioned forgetfulness ? Since the first two chapters introduce the two protagonists , Maybe I 'll post both those chapters this weekend . Nope . They 're both around 5 , 000 words , so I 'll have to split them . The renewal notice came up for PWA the other day , and it was somewhat alarming to realize I 've had it for a year and only used it for one book . The cost was probably more than I earned all year , so I 'll have to keep that in mind from now on and get more work finished . Which I intend to do anyway . February 20 , 2017 Back when I was active on Live Journal , I serialized my first novel , Hidden Boundaries . It worked out pretty well in most ways . I got some very helpful critiques , and when I finally polished it up and published it , there were actually readers waiting to turn into buyers . Granted , the book fit nicely into a fairly big niche with a lively community on LJ . It appealed to readers of slavefic , most of whom want sex in their stories , so my deliberate avoidance of the usual cliché tropes of slavefic and the near - absence of any sex , and that only suggested was a bit risky . But I wanted to challenge expectations , and present slavery in a somewhat more realistic way , even though it still took place in an unlikely alternate universe . A lot of the serial readers were oblivious to the ethical aspects of the book , and loved it mostly because they could cry over the protagonist 's sad plight . Still , it was satisfying that some readers did see what I was getting at . The book was fairly successful by my very low standards , and still picks up a sale now and then . I 'd probably shudder if I ever read it again , but at least it would be cheering to know that my writing has improved considerably since then . Blogging here is very different from Live Journal , and I have no idea whether serializing a novel would work . But since it 's being pretty extensively revised and edited , it would be nice to get some feedback to learn what 's working and what isn 't . Future sales would be nice too , but that isn 't something I would count on - maybe as an extra bonus . So I 'm giving serialization very serious thought right now , if for no other reason than curiosity . How would it work out ? I 'm thinking two posts a week , which should be enough to keep up readers ' interest . Some of the chapters are pretty long , around 5 , 000 words , so I 'd split those . February 9 , 2017 The revision of Privileged Lives is going well , although stuff got in the way yesterday and I only did about two chapters . Still … Cutting the fat , expanding scenes , combining chapters , all on the way to a final rewrite . It 's down to 29 chapters , from 38 , and I 'll probably combine several more before I 'm through . It 's kind of amazing how much I 've learned since writing it back in the Spring of 2011 . And it 's hard to believe it 's been hanging around that long . This is one of those cases where you have to decide whether a book that 's never sold more than a few copies is worth overhauling . It might still languish unread , but it 's worth it to me . The " stuff " that got in the way of book work yesterday , was one of the massive shopping trips I go on almost every week with my son . Usually , it 's two grocery stores and one or two thrift stores . Yesterday 's started with the local Humane Society . I decided a month or two ago that I missed having a fur ball , so I kept checking out the photos on the HS site . The cat I 'm adopting is a ten - year - old orange female who might not have found another owner at that age . She wasn 't exactly abused by her previous owners , but they put her in their basement because of their little kids ( no details on that except her inability to cope ) , and lived down there for a year . She 's still skittish , but didn 't have any trouble with my petting her , leaned right in , in fact , so I think she 'll be fine once she settles down . We 'll probably go in tomorrow to sign the adoption papers and take Stella home . As part of getting my life somewhat normalized , which used to mean being owned by a cat , I 'm cutting way back on the news . I 've accepted that things are mostly going to get worse as the new " president " lays about him with an axe handle . There 's nothing I can do about it except put my little bit of money where I hope it will do some good . I made a second donation to the Standing Rock Sioux this morning , even though I know that particular battle will probably be lost . It apparently didn 't matter that I 've prioritized more current work for completion and the process involved in getting to publication . One of my early novels , which has had almost zero attention from the reading public , shoved its way to the front of the queue yesterday . It had been handing out warnings , which I ignored , believing that I had entered a new phase of my writing life in which I could limit myself to a few reasonable tasks and actually complete them in a timely manner . Instead , I spent Saturday reading through Privileged Lives and Other Lies , doing a bit of editing here and there , but mostly just noting the areas that need work . Yes , I read a 94 , 000 word novel in one day , and at the end of the day I wondered how I 'd managed it . I 'm a fast reader , but even so … This novel has been a huge disappointment to me , because for the most part , it contains some of my best writing . That , in spite of having a couple of real problems that I simply didn 't face at the time . And it has a terrible cover , one of my first . And I didn 't know at the time I published it , that it fits in the young adult category . And , and , and … December 10 , 2016 I 've never been able to say how many times I go through a WIP to edit it . In my usual disorganized fashion , I might do several chapters , leave it for days and weeks , and then try to go back to more or less where I left off . The result , I 'm sure , is that some chapters haven 't had enough eye time , while others have been worked down to the bone . Scrivener has been my long - time helpmeet , keeping me more or less organized , but it can 't do everything . I 've sworn , over and over , that at least one readthrough has to be from page one to the last page , without distractions . But I 've never accomplished it - until this week . I tried different methods , including reading Camp Expendable on my Kindle , but that never worked out - for one simple reason , I now realize . I couldn 't keep myself from doing the editing as I read . On the Kindle , that means making notes for every highlight because you can 't edit on it . If there 's anything more distracting than making notes on a Kindle , I haven 't discovered it yet . I 'm not one to give up , though . ( stubborn , pig - headed , slow learner ) The secret - cue the trumpets - is to highlight the trouble spots and just charge ahead . That leaves me with the obvious problem of remembering exactly why those highlights are there . But once I 've spotted a problem , it isn 't really that difficult to go back and realize what it was . So , I am now the proud possessor of a novel which I read straight through in three days , doing nothing to distract me from getting a good overview . There are probably well over 100 highlights , which is a discouragingly impressive number considering how many times I 've been through the novel , weeding out clumsy sentences , poor word choices , etc . But it 's also encouraging . I only found two or three actual typos , and one continuity problem , so that really isn 't too bad for a length of almost 78 , 000 words . Most of the work to be done involves fleshing out some of my usual bare - bones sentences , and restructuring others . I 'll also be adding one short scene which , if I 'm very lucky , won 't introduce a whole batch of new problems . With all those highlights to guide me and keep me on track , maybe I 'll actually have the damn thing completed to my satisfaction within the next few days . But haven 't I said that before ? Stay tuned . August 15 , 2016 I 'm down to the last chapter of Camp Expendable , writing new material and editing at the same time . It was a last - minute decision to break this chapter off from the previous one , which would have been an absolute monster in size . The chapter also picks up from the open end of the previous chapter and finishes everything off neatly . But it 's only about 1 , 400 words , while the rest are anywhere from 3 , 500 to 5 , 000 words . And there 's still stuff to be said . I was just reading a blog post by another writer , about the left side / right side concept of where the brain comes up with the creative stuff . He knows as well as I do that the brain isn 't actually divided as neatly as that , but it 's a handy way of thinking about it . I don 't see myself as terribly creative , and since my approach to writing has a strong logical slant , maybe I 'm either predominantly left - brained but still manage to squeeze out stuff that 's moderately creative , or I 'm straddling a tightrope in the middle . That could be why it 's easy for me to create and edit more or less simultaneously . That 's what I do during National Novel Writing Month , while all the other experienced writers are screaming about how you have to kill your editor , or at least shove it in the closet so it doesn 't get in the way of churning out those 50 , 000 words . Not only is it easy and natural for me to write that way , I 'd probably go nuts if someone told me that I absolutely wouldn 't be permitted to edit until the whole thing was written . The result is , that while everyone else is bemoaning the pile of crap they have to show for 30 days of sweat and agony , I have something I wouldn 't be ashamed to show around - if I were the kind of person who likes to show my work around . August 12 , 2016 So much for the plan to edit at least two chapters a day . That intention triggered a several - days long period of no editing at all . Or maybe it wasn 't a trigger , just as matter of coincidence . At least I have a believable excuse , thanks to Ruth Harris . It isn 't often that attempts to classify people work out very well , for instance : pantsers vs . planners . It just isn 't that simple . But her little list of three types of writers defined by their working speed and habits hit my ' yes ' bump . The post : Speed Kills , or Does it ? is subtitled How to Write Fast ( er ) without Going Bonkers . It 's a far cry , thank goodness , from those assurances that if writer Speedy can churn through 5 , 000 words a day and produce a complete , edited novel in six weeks , then you can do it . And should . Because Harris says that you need to know your own working style , whether it 's steady , spurt , or sprint . You 'll have to read the post for her explanations of steady and sprint , but spurt hits me right where I live . " Spurt workers tend to write in extremely productive bursts . They also need a few days off to regroup and catch up with themselves between intense writing sessions . " Yes , yes , yes . It 's nice to have a name for it rather than berate myself for quitting just when I seem to be getting ahead . It 's another of those areas where I blame myself for personal characteristics that are built in . The idea isn 't to use that as an excuse , but to understand it and allow myself room to write in the way that suits me best . And of course , that includes editing , formatting , and even designing book covers . Editing can be very satisfying when it 's going well , but it takes such intense concentration that it burns out the brain synapses in a way that the actual writing usually doesn 't . I can wish my style was ' steady ' but every time I 've tried to set up a reasonable schedule , whether for writing or editing , I 've totally failed . My brain just doesn 't work that way . In fact , it isn 't steady at anything . I suspect that it stems from my need for constant variety in most areas of my life , and a brain that seizes on one thing at a time and exhausts it in a big blaze . Steady is boring , says my brain , and I 've learned that there 's no point in trying to argue with it . Today , I 'm back at work editing Expendable . Two are finished . I should be able to get one or two more done by the end of the day . I 'd like to continue that pattern for the next four days , and get to ProWritingAid Tuesday or Wednesday . But it probably won 't happen . Or maybe it will . But I 'm not procrastinating . Really . July 4 , 2016 Came across a moderately interesting review - Track Changes - of the book of the same name , on how the change from typewriters to computers has changed the way novelists write . Some writers still use typewriters , and a few write by hand . And of course , there 's mention of early criticisms that word processing would , in some way , degrade literature . I imagine that one topic is covered pretty thoroughly in the book . In discussions about novel development ( or development of any book , but mostly usually novels ) drafts are always a hot topic . How many drafts are optimum ? How many drafts should I write ? How many drafts do you go through ? I never get into those discussions . What am I going to say , " I write only one draft ? " Horrors ! That has to mean I don 't care about grammar , construction , story development , or any other aspect of writing . If I say that I just keep writing over the first draft , more horror . What if I cut out something I later realize I want to keep , and it 's gone ? There are two ways to deal with that possibility . 1 . If I 'm really in doubt about cutting out some material and then regretting that it 's gone , I stick it in a text file called " Fragments . " Scrivener makes it very easy to do that . Or , what I 've switched to doing instead , I can add it to " Fragments " in the floating Notes feature . The advantage of using Notes is that I can keep it onscreen , rather than having to jump between the " Fragments " text file and the chapter text file . There was a time when I just stuck the deleted text at the bottom of the chapter , but that messes up my word count if I 'm keeping track of it . 2 . The other way to make sure my golden words aren 't lost forever is to take a snapshot of the chapter as it is at that moment . Snapshots are another clever feature of Scrivener , but the truth is that I 've used it only once , just out of curiosity . Snapshots are , though most people probably don 't think of them that way , another way to back up your material . Since I save to Dropbox , and have an external drive just for backups , plus thumb drives , when I remember to use them , that would be a bit of a redundancy on top of redundancies . When it comes right down to it , though , over time I 've developed the attitude that there are multiple ways to write a scene , a chapter , or an entire book . In a sense , writing a novel in a word processor is like playing with Silly Putty . Your ideas are plastic , always changing , always capable of being reshaped . To make the best use of the power of writing digitally , your mind also has to be plastic , willing to let the past evolve into the new . June 23 , 2016 That 's when you 'll do crazy things . Like sign up for Camp NaNoWriMo . Which I just did . Why ? Because Camp Expendable has been hanging for almost seven months now , despite having had an excellent beta critique and some major rethinking on my part . Why the rush ? Considering the months of prep work I put into it before actually writing it last November during NaNoWriMo , the time is probably close to a year . I 'm more or less normally functional about every other day . The rest of the time , accumulated aches and pains , and fatigue , turn everything I do into a debate about priorities and how much energy any one job will require . Not exactly a situation conducive to sustained work on novel revision . The first draft of Camp Expendable was 52 , 394 words . Since then , I 've done a fair amount of editing and increased the word count to 64 , 620 words . The scope of the novel means that it really needs to be at least 75 , 000 words , and that 's what I 'll be aiming for in July . It 's pretty pathetic , really : a goal of just over 10 , 000 words for an entire month 's work - 335 words a day . But half the year is gone , and I haven 't done diddly on any of my writing goals for this year . Something has to give . July will be do or die time . June 15 , 2016 Every time I see someone asking forum members for help for a poorly selling book or series , I 'm tempted to stick my rude two cents in and say " Maybe it just isn 't very good . " I never do , but it 's pretty darn tempting . The beleaguered author lists all the things they 've done right that should suck readers in and keep them coming back for books two , three and four . Is it really necessary to say that they usually haven 't done everything right ? And even if they have , that 's no guarantee of success . Every so often , I take a look at the book that is supposedly perfect and can see plenty of reasons why readers might not even finish reading it , much less go on to the next one . In this case , the cover was okay , the blurb was too brief for my liking , and wasn 't entirely clear , but we 're trying to find out why people do buy the book , but don 't finish it or enjoy it enough to buy the sequel . I 'm well aware that most readers aren 't turned off by poor grammar or typos unless they 're bad enough or frequent enough to be distracting . I was skimming the sample pretty quickly , so I might have missed a few boo boos , but the only thing that really struck me was that invisible bugbear , the repeated word - ( " that that " ) . So what was the problem ? Even a slow start might not be enough to turn readers right off , if it 's a genre they like , and the blurb has led them to expect an interesting story . But this was supposed to be an action novel , with a tough heroine , and it dragged , and the heroine immediately sounded like an idiot . If that wasn 't bad enough , the author was apparently trying for a literary touch , and sprinkled in irrelevant and awkward metaphors when he should have been concentrating on the action . Continuity problems ? Oh yes . Like the villain saying he was going to take his time about killing our heroine so she could appreciate it , and then , just a few paragraphs later , saying he was in a hurry to make an appointment and could only take two minutes to finish up this little job . All of that might not turn the average reader off right away , but it 's a safe bet that the flaws of the first dozen or so paragraphs are going to show up again and again . After a while , a little bell is likely to go off in the reader 's head , and she 's going to notice that something 's rotten in Denmark . All the lame metaphors , and the details that don 't work , will have a cumulative effect just below the conscious level . It 's when they reach consciousness that the reader is likely to sign off . I read some of the Amazon reviews , noting that only 47 % of readers gave the first book five stars . And 16 % of only 19 reviews gave it one or two stars . Another 16 % gave it three stars . Most of those poor reviews were spot on , even for the short excerpt that I 'd read . So maybe the real problem for the author - the most important thing that he did wrong , was to not pay any attention to the reviews . |
Jeeves - my man , you know - is really a most extraordinary chap . So capable . Honestly , I shouldn 't know what to do without him . On broader lines he 's like those chappies who sit peering sadly over the marble battlements at the Pennsylvania Station in the place marked " Inquiries . " You know the Johnnies I mean . You go up to them and say : " When 's the next train for Melonsquashville , Tennessee ? " and they reply , without stopping to think , " Two - forty - three , track ten , change at San Francisco . " And they 're right every time . Well , Jeeves gives you just the same impression of omniscience . Well , the long and the short of it was that the confounded thing came home , and I put it on , and when I caught sight of myself in the glass I nearly swooned . Jeeves was perfectly right . I looked a cross between a music - hall comedian and a cheap bookie . Yet Monty had looked fine in absolutely the same stuff . These things are just Life 's mysteries , and that 's all there is to it . But it isn 't only that Jeeves 's judgment about clothes is infallible , though , of course , that 's really the main thing . The man knows everything . There was the matter of that tip on the " Lincolnshire . " I forget now how I got it , but it had the aspect of being the real , red - hot tabasco . Perfect piffle , I thought , of course . How the deuce could Jeeves know anything about it ? Still , you know what happened . Wonderchild led till he was breathing on the wire , and then Banana Fritter came along and nosed him out . I went straight home and rang for Jeeves . And he has , by Jove ! I 'm a bit short on brain myself ; the old bean would appear to have been constructed more for ornament than for use , don 't you know ; but give me five minutes to talk the thing over with Jeeves , and I 'm game to advise any one about anything . And that 's why , when Bruce Corcoran came to me with his troubles , my first act was to ring the bell and put it up to the lad with the bulging forehead . I first got to know Corky when I came to New York . He was a pal of my cousin Gussie , who was in with a lot of people down Washington Square way . I don 't know if I ever told you about it , but the reason why I left England was because I was sent over by my Aunt Agatha to try to stop young Gussie marrying a girl on the vaudeville stage , and I got the whole thing so mixed up that I decided that it would be a sound scheme for me to stop on in America for a bit instead of going back and having long cosy chats about the thing with aunt . So I sent Jeeves out to find a decent apartment , and settled down for a bit of exile . I 'm bound to say that New York 's a topping place to be exiled in . Everybody was awfully good to me , and there seemed to be plenty of things going on , and I 'm a wealthy bird , so everything was fine . Chappies introduced me to other chappies , and so on and so forth , and it wasn 't long before I knew squads of the right sort , some who rolled in dollars in houses up by the Park , and others who lived with the gas turned down mostly around Washington Square - artists and writers and so forth . Brainy coves . Corky was one of the artists . A portrait - painter , he called himself , but he hadn 't painted any portraits . He was sitting on the side - lines with a blanket over his shoulders , waiting for a chance to get into the game . You see , the catch about portrait - painting - I 've looked into the thing a bit - is that you can 't start painting portraits till people come along and ask you to , and they won 't come and ask you to until you 've painted a lot first . This makes it kind of difficult for a chappie . Corky managed to get along by drawing an occasional picture forthe comic papers - he had rather a gift for funny stuff when he got a good idea - and doing bedsteads and chairs and things for the advertisements . His principal source of income , however , was derived from biting the ear of a rich uncle - one Alexander Worple , who was in the jute business . I 'm a bit foggy as to what jute is , but it 's apparently something the populace is pretty keen on , for Mr . Worple had made quite an indecently large stack out of it . Now , a great many fellows think that having a rich uncle is a pretty soft snap : but , according to Corky , such is not the case . Corky 's uncle was a robust sort of cove , who looked like living for ever . He was fifty - one , and it seemed as if he might go to par . It was not this , however , that distressed poor old Corky , for he was not bigoted and had no objection to the man going on living . What Corky kicked at was the way the above Worple used to harry him . Corky 's uncle , you see , didn 't want him to be an artist . He didn 't think he had any talent in that direction . He was always urging him to chuck Art and go into the jute business and start at the bottom and work his way up . Jute had apparently become a sort of obsession with him . He seemed to attach almost a spiritual importance to it . And what Corky said was that , while he didn 't know what they did at the bottom of the jute business , instinct told him that it was something too beastly for words . Corky , moreover , believed in his future as an artist . Some day , he said , he was going to make a hit . Meanwhile , by using the utmost tact and persuasiveness , he was inducing his uncle to cough up very grudgingly a small quarterly allowance . He wouldn 't have got this if his uncle hadn 't had a hobby . Mr . Worple was peculiar in this respect . As a rule , from what I 've observed , the American captain of industry doesn 't do anything out of business hours . When he has put the cat out and locked up the office for the night , he just relapses into a state of coma from which he emerges only to start being a captain of industry again . But Mr . Worple in his spare time was what is known as an ornithologist . He had written a book called American Birds , and was writing another , to be called More American Birds . When he had finished that , the presumption was that he would begin a third , and keep on till the supply of American birds gave out . Corky used to go to him about once every three months and let him talk about American birds . Apparently you could do what you liked with old Worple if you gave him his head first on his pet subject , so these little chats used to make Corky 's allowance all right for the time being . But it was pretty rotten for the poor chap . There was the frightful suspense , you see , and , apart from that , birds , except when broiled and in the society of a cold bottle , bored him stiff . Muriel Singer was one of those very quiet , appealing girls who have a way of looking at you with their big eyes as if they thought you were the greatest thing on earth and wondered that you hadn 't got on to it yet yourself . She sat there in a sort of shrinking way , looking at me as if she were saying to herself , " Oh , I do hope this great strong man isn 't going to hurt me . " She gave a fellow a protective kind of feeling , made him want to stroke her hand and say , " There , there , little one ! " or words to that effect . She made me feel that there was nothing I wouldn 't do for her . She was rather like oneof those innocent - tasting American drinks which creep imperceptibly into your system so that , before you know what you 're doing , you 're starting out to reform the world by force if necessary and pausing on your way to tell the large man in the corner that , if he looks at you like that , you will knock his head off . What I mean is , she made me feel alert and dashing , like a jolly old knight - errant or something of that kind . I felt that I was with her in this thing to the limit . " You don 't know him . Even if he did like Muriel he wouldn 't admit it . That 's the sort of pig - headed guy he is . It would be a matter of principle with him to kick . All he would consider would be that I had gone and taken an important step without asking his advice , and he would raise Cain automatically . He 's always done it . " " Sir ? " said Jeeves , kind of manifesting himself . One of the rummy things about Jeeves is that , unless you watch like a hawk , you very seldom see him come into a room . He 's like one of those weird chappies in India who dissolve themselves into thin air and nip through space in a sort of disembodied way and assemble the parts again just where they want them . I 've got a cousin who 's what they call a Theosophist , and he says he 's often nearly worked the thing himself , but couldn 't quite bring it off , probably owing to having fed in his boyhood on the flesh of animals slain in anger and pie . The moment I saw the man standing there , registering respectful attention , a weight seemed to roll off my mind . I felt like a lost child who spots his father in the offing . There was something about him that gave me confidence . " So you see what it amount to , Jeeves . We want you to suggest some way by which Mr . Worple can make Miss Singer 's acquaintance without getting on to the fact that Mr . Corcoran already knows her . Understand ? " " It is the way these New York apartments are constructed , sir . Quite unlike our London houses . The partitions between the rooms are of the flimsiest nature . With no wish to overhear , I have sometimes heard Mr . Corcoran expressing himself with a generous strength on the subject I have mentioned . " " Why should not the young lady write a small volume , to be entitled - let us say - The Children 's Book of American Birds , and dedicate it to Mr . Worple ! A limited edition could be published at your expense , sir , and a great deal of the book would , of course , be given over to eulogistic remarks concerning Mr . Worple 's own larger treatise on the same subject . I should recommend the dispatching of a presentation copy to Mr . Worple , immediately on publication , accompanied by a letter in which the young lady asks to be allowed to make the acquaintance of one to whom she owes so much . This would , I fancy , produce the desired result , but as I say , the expense involved would be considerable . " I felt like the proprietor of a performing dog on the vaudeville stage when the tyke has just pulled off his trick without a hitch . I had betted on Jeeves all along , and I had known that he wouldn 't let me down . It beats me sometimes why a man with his genius is satisfied to hang around pressing my clothes and whatnot . If I had half Jeeves 's brain , I should have a stab , at being Prime Minister or something . " Muriel 's talents , " said Corky , with a little cough " lie more in the direction of the drama , Bertie . I didn 't mention it before , but one of our reasons for being a trifle nervous as to how Uncle Alexander will receive the news is that Muriel is in the chorus of that show Choose your Exit at the Manhattan . It 's absurdly unreasonable , but we both feel that that fact might increase Uncle Alexander 's natural tendency to kick like a steer . " I saw what he meant . Goodness knows there was fuss enough in our family when I tried to marry into musical comedy a few years ago . And the recollection of my Aunt Agatha 's attitude in the matter of Gussie and the vaudeville girl was still fresh in my mind . I don 't know why it is - one of these psychology sharps could explain it , I suppose - but uncles and aunts , as a class , are always dead against the drama , legitimate or otherwise . They don 't seem able to stick it at any price . " That 's true , " said Corky . " Sam Patterson would do it for a hundred dollars . He writes a novelette , three short stories , and ten thousand words of a serial for one of the all - fiction magazines under different names every month . A little thing like this would be nothing to him . I 'll get after him right away . " I always used to think that publishers had to be devilish intelligent fellows , loaded down with the grey matter ; but I 've got their number now . All a publisher has to do is to write cheques at intervals , while a lot of deserving and industrious chappies rally round and do the real work . I know , because I 've been one myself . I simply sat tight in the old apartment with a fountain - pen , and in due season a topping , shiny book came along . It was certainly some book . It had a red cover with a fowl of some species on it , and underneath the girl 's name in gold letters . I opened a copy at random . You see . A boost for the uncle right away . And only a few pages later there he was in the limelight again in connection with the yellow - billed cuckoo . It was great stuff . The more I read , the more I admired the chap who had written it and Jeeves 's genius in putting us on to the wheeze . I didn 't see how the uncle could fail to drop . You can 't call a chap the world 's greatest authority on the yellow - billed cuckoo without rousing a certain disposition towards chumminess in him . And a day or two later he meandered up the Avenue to my apartment to tell me that all was well . The uncle had written Muriel a letter so dripping with the milk of human kindness that if he hadn 't known Mr . Worple 's handwriting Corky would have refused to believe him the author of it . Any time it suited Miss Singer to call , said the uncle , he would be delighted to make her acquaintance . Shortly after this I had to go out of town . Divers sound sportsmen had invited me to pay visits to their country places , and it wasn 't for several months that I settled down in the city again . I had been wondering a lot , of course , about Corky , whether it all turned out right , and so forth , and my first evening in New York , happening to pop into a quiet sort of little restaurant which I go to when I don 't feel inclined for the bright lights , I found Muriel Singer there , sitting by herself at a table near the door . Corky , I took it , was out telephoning . I went up and passed the time of day . I spun round . A chappie with a lot of stiff grey hair and a red sort of healthy face was standing there . Rather a formidable Johnnie , he looked , though quite peaceful at the moment . " So you know my nephew , Mr . Wooster , " I heard him say . " I wish you would try to knock a little sense into him and make him quit this playing at painting . But I have an idea that he is steadying down . I noticed it first that night he came to dinner with us , my dear , to be introduced to you . Heseemed altogether quieter and more serious . Something seemed to have sobered him . Perhaps you will give us the pleasure of your company at dinner to - night , Mr . Wooster ? Or have you dined ? " I said I had . What I needed then was air , not dinner . I felt that I wanted to get into the open and think this thing out . Of course , as I saw after I had had a bite to eat and was in a calmer frame of mind , what had happened wasn 't my fault , if you come down to it . I couldn 't be expected to foresee that the scheme , in itself a cracker - jack , would skid into the ditch as it had done ; but all the same I 'm bound to admit that I didn 't relish the idea of meeting Corky again until time , the great healer , had been able to get in a bit of soothing work . I cut Washington Square out absolutely for the next few months . I gave it the complete miss - in - baulk . And then , just when I was beginning to think I might safely pop down in that direction and gather up the dropped threads , so to speak , time , instead of working the healing wheeze , went and pulled the most awful bone and put the lid on it . Opening the paper one morning , I read that Mrs . Alexander Worple had presented her husband with a son and heir . I was so darned sorry for poor old Corky that I hadn 't the heart to touch my breakfast . I told Jeeves to drink it himself . I was bowled over . Absolutely . It was the limit . I hardly knew what to do . I wanted , of course , to rush down to Washington Square and grip the poor blighter silently by the hand ; and then , thinking it over , I hadn 't the nerve . Absent treatment seemed the touch . I gave it him in waves . But after a month or so I began to hesitate again . It struck me that it was playing it a bit low - down on the poor chap , avoiding him like this just when he probably wanted his pals to surge round him most . I pictured him sitting in his lonely studio with no company but his bitter thoughts , and the pathos of it got me to such an extent that I bounded straight into a taxi and told the driver to go all out for the studio . " Halloa , Bertie . Don 't go . We 're just finishing for the day . That will be all this afternoon , " he said to the nurse , who got up with the baby and decanted it into a perambulator which was standing in the fairway . " It 's my uncle 's idea , " he said . " Muriel doesn 't know about it yet . The portrait 's to be a surprise for her on her birthday . The nurse takes the kid out ostensibly to get a breather , and they beat it down here . If you want an instance of the irony of fate , Bertie , get acquainted with this . Here 's the first commission I have ever had to paint a portrait , and the sitter is that human poached egg that has butted in and bounced me out of my inheritance . Can you beat it ! I call it rubbing the thing in to expect me to spend my afternoons gazing into the ugly face of a little brat who to all intents and purposes has hit me behind the ear with a blackjack and swiped all I possess . I can 't refuse to paint the portrait because if I did my uncle would stop my allowance ; yet every time I look up and catch that kid 's vacant eye , I suffer agonies . I tell you , Bertie , sometimes when he gives me a patronizing glance and then turns away and is sick , as if it revolted him to look at me , I come within an ace of occupying the entire front page of the evening papers as the latest murder sensation . There are moments when I can almost see the headlines : ' Promising Young Artist Beans Baby With Axe . ' " I kept away from the studio for some time after that , because it didn 't seem right to me to intrude on the poor chappie 's sorrow . Besides , I 'm bound to say that nurse intimidated me . She reminded me so infernally of Aunt Agatha . She was the same gimlet - eyed type . " Yes . " His voice sounded rather doubtful . " The fact is , Bertie , it doesn 't look quite right to me . There 's something about it - My uncle 's coming in half an hour to inspect it , and - I don 't know why it is , but I kind of feel I 'd like your moral support ! " I threw my mind back to the red - faced chappie I had met at the restaurant , and tried to picture him cutting up rough . It was only too easy . I spoke to Corky firmly on the telephone . " Listen , Corky , old top ! If you think I am going to face that uncle of yours without Jeeves 's support , you 're mistaken . I 'd sooner go into a den of wild beasts and bite a lion on the back of the neck . " The light from the big window fell right on the picture . I took a good look at it . Then I shifted a bit nearer and took another look . Then I went back to where I had been at first , because it hadn 't seemed quite so bad from there . " You 're right quite , Bertie . Something 's gone wrong with the darned thing . My private impression is that , without knowing it , I 've worked that stunt that Sargent and those fellows pull - painting the soul of the sitter . I 've got through the mere outward appearance , and have put the child 's soul on canvas . " " But could a child of that age have a soul like that ? I don 't see how he could have managed it in the time . What do you think , Jeeves ? " " Just what I was going to suggest , old man . He looks as if he were in the middle of a colossal spree , and enjoying every minute of it . Don 't you think so , Jeeves ? " For about three seconds all was joy , jollity , and goodwill . The old boy shook hands with me , slapped Corky on the back , said that he didn 't think he had ever seen such a fine day , and whacked his leg with his stick . Jeeves had projected himself into the background , and he didn 't notice him . " Well , Bruce , my boy ; so the portrait is really finished , is it - really finished ? Well , bring it out . Let 's have a look at it . This will be a wonderful surprise for your aunt . Where is it ? Let 's - - " " You 're perfectly right ! " he snorted . " I do ! I want to stand so far away from it that I can 't see the thing with a telescope ! " He turned on Corky like an untamed tiger of the jungle who has just located a chunk of meat . " And this - this - is what you have been wasting your time and my money for all these years ! A painter ! I wouldn 't let you paint a house of mine ! I gave you this commission , thinking that you were a competent worker , and this - this - this extract from a comic coloured supplement is the result ! " He swung towards the door , lashing his tail and growling to himself . " This ends it ! If you wish to continue this foolery of pretending to be an artist because you want an excuse for idleness , please yourself . But let me tell you this . Unless you report at my office on Monday morning , prepared to abandon all this idiocy and start in at the bottom of the business to work your way up , as you should have done half a dozen years ago , not another cent - not another cent - not another - Boosh ! " " Do ? What can I do ? I can 't stick on here if he cuts off supplies . You heard what he said . I shall have to go to the office on Monday . " I couldn 't think of a thing to say . I knew exactly how he felt about the office . I don 't know when I 've been so infernally uncomfortable . It was like hanging round trying to make conversation to a pal who 's just been sentenced to twenty years in quod . It was Jeeves . He had slid from the shadows and was gazing gravely at the picture . Upon my word , I can 't give you a better idea of the shattering effect of Corky 's uncle Alexander when in action than by saying that he had absolutely made me forget for the moment that Jeeves was there . " I wonder if I have ever happened to mention to you , sir , a Mr . Digby Thistleton , with whom I was once in service ? Perhaps you have met him ? He was a financier . He is now Lord Bridgnorth . It was a favourite saying of his that there is always a way . The first time I heard him use the expression was after the failure of a patent depilatory which he promoted . " " I mentioned Mr . Thistleton , sir , because his was in some respects a parallel case to the present one . His depilatory failed , but he did not despair . He put it on the market again under the name of Hair - o , guaranteed to produce a full crop of hair in a few months . It was advertised , if you remember , sir , by a humorous picture of a billiard - ball , before and after taking , and made such a substantial fortune that Mr . Thistleton was soon afterwards elevated to the peerage for services to his Party . It seems to me that , if Mr . Corcoran looks into the matter , he will find , like Mr . Thistleton , that there is always a way . Mr . Worple himself suggested the solution of the difficulty . In the heat of the moment he compared the portrait to an extract from a coloured comic supplement . I consider the suggestion a very valuable one , sir . Mr . Corcoran 's portrait may not have pleased Mr . Worple as a likeness of his only child , but I have no doubt that editors would gladly consider it as a foundation for a series of humorous drawings . If Mr . Corcoran will allow me to make the suggestion , his talent has always been for the humorous . There is something about this picture - something bold and vigorous , which arrests the attention . I feel sure it would be highly popular . " " He 's right ! The man 's absolutely right ! Jeeves , you 're a life - saver ! You 've hit on the greatest idea of the age ! Report at the office on Monday ! Start at the bottom of the business ! I 'll buy the business if I feel like it . I know the man who runs the comic section of the Sunday Star . He 'll eat this thing . He was telling me only the other day how hard it was to get a good new series . He 'll give me anything I ask for a real winner like this . I 've got a gold - mine . Where 's my hat ? I 've got an income for life ! Where 's that confounded hat ? Lend me a fiver , Bertie . I want to take a taxi down to Park Row ! " " Jeeves , " I said . It was a few weeks later , and I had just finished looking at the comic section of the Sunday Star . " I 'm an optimist . I always have been . The older I get , the more I agree with Shakespeare and those poet Johnnies about it always being darkest before the dawn and there 's a silver lining and what you lose on the swings you make up on the roundabouts . Look at Mr . Corcoran , for instance . There was a fellow , one would have said , clear up to the eyebrows in the soup . To all appearances he had got it right in the neck . Yet look at him now . Have you seen these pictures ? " " I have nothing to complain of in that respect , sir . Mr . Corcoran has been most generous . I am putting out the brown suit , sir . " Of course , I know it 's as bad as being henpecked ; but then Jeeves is always right . You 've got to consider that , you know . What ? I 'm not absolutely certain of my facts , but I rather fancy it 's Shakespeare - or , if not , it 's some equally brainy lad - who says that it 's always just when a chappie is feeling particularly top - hole , and more than usually braced with things in general that Fate sneaks up behind him with a bit of lead piping . There 's no doubt the man 's right . It 's absolutely that way withme . Take , for instance , the fairly rummy matter of Lady Malvern and her son Wilmot . A moment before they turned up , I was just thinking how thoroughly all right everything was . It was one of those topping mornings , and I had just climbed out from under the cold shower , feeling like a two - year - old . As a matter of fact , I was especially bucked just then because the day before I had asserted myself with Jeeves - absolutely asserted myself , don 't you know . You see , the way things had been going on I was rapidly becoming a dashed serf . The man had jolly well oppressed me . I didn 't so much mind when he made me give up one of my new suits , because , Jeeves 's judgment about suits is sound . But I as near as a toucher rebelled when he wouldn 't let me wear a pair of cloth - topped boots which I loved like a couple of brothers . And when he tried to tread on me like a worm in the matter of a hat , I jolly well put my foot down and showed him who was who . It 's a long story , and I haven 't time to tell you now , but the point is that he wanted me to wear the Longacre - as worn by John Drew - when I had set my heart on the Country Gentleman - as worn by another famous actor chappie - and the end of the matter was that , after a rather painful scene , I bought the Country Gentleman . So that 's how things stood on this particular morning , and I was feeling kind of manly and independent . " Pull yourself together , Jeeves , my man , " I said , rather severely , for I bar practical jokes before breakfast . " You know perfectly well there 's no one waiting for me in the sitting - room . How could there be when it 's barely ten o ' clock yet ? " " Yes . I met her at lunch one Sunday before I left London . A very vicious specimen . Writes books . She wrote a book on social conditions in India when she came back from the Durbar . " It was a shock to me . I thought I had quelled the fellow . It was rather a solemn moment . What I mean is , if I weakened now , all my good work the night before would be thrown away . I braced myself . " What 's wrong with this tie ? I 've seen you give it a nasty look before . Speak out like a man ! What 's the matter with it ? " Dashed unpleasant . I could see that the man was wounded . But I was firm . I tied the tie , got into the coat and waistcoat , and went into the sitting - room . " Ah ! How do you do , Mr . Wooster ? You have never met my son , Wilmot , I think ? Motty , darling , this is Mr . Wooster . " Lady Malvern was a hearty , happy , healthy , overpowering sort of dashed female , not so very tall but making up for it by measuring about six feet from the O . P . to the Prompt Side . She fitted into my biggest arm - chair as if it had been built round her by someone who knew they were wearing arm - chairs tight about the hips that season . She had bright , bulging eyes and a lot of yellow hair , and when she spoke she showed about fifty - seven front teeth . She was one of those women who kind of numb a fellow 's faculties . She made me feel as if I were ten years old and had been brought into the drawing - room in my Sunday clothes to say how - d ' you - do . Altogether by no means the sort of thing a chappie would wish to find in his sitting - room before breakfast . Motty , the son , was about twenty - three , tall and thin and meek - looking . He had the same yellow hair as his mother , but he wore it plastered down and parted in the middle . His eyes bulged , too , but they weren 't bright . They were a dull grey with pink rims . His chin gave up the struggle about half - way down , and he didn 't appear to have any eyelashes . A mild , furtive , sheepish sort of blighter , in short . I was glad to hear this , as it showed that Aunt Agatha was beginning to come round a bit . There had been some unpleasantness a year before , when she had sent me over to New York to disentangle my Cousin Gussie from the clutches of a girl on the music - hall stage . When I tell you that by the time I had finished my operations , Gussie had not only married the girl but had gone on the stage himself , and was doing well , you 'll understand that Aunt Agatha was upset to no small extent . I simply hadn 't dared go back and face her , and it was a relief to find that time had healed the wound and all that sort of thing enough to make her tell her pals to look me up . What I mean is , much as I liked America , I didn 't want to have England barred to me for the rest of my natural ; and , believe me , England is a jolly sight too small for anyone to live in with Aunt Agatha , if she 's really on the warpath . So I braced on hearing these kind words and smiled genially on the assemblage . These frightful words trickled out of her like honey . The woman simply didn 't seem to understand the ghastly nature of her proposal . I gave Motty the swift east - to - west . He was sitting with his mouth nuzzling the stick , blinking at the wall . The thought of having this planted on me for an indefinite period appalled me . Absolutely appalled me , don 't you know . I was just starting to say that the shot wasn 't on the board at any price , and that the first sign Motty gave of trying to nestle into my little home I would yell for the police , when she went on , rolling placidly over me , as it were . " I am leaving New York by the midday train , as I have to pay a visit to Sing - Sing prison . I am extremely interested in prison conditions in America . After that I work my way gradually across to the coast , visiting the points of interest on the journey . You see , Mr . Wooster , I am in America principally on business . No doubt you read my book , India and the Indians ? My publishers are anxious for me to write a companion volume on the United States . I shall not be able to spend more than a month in the country , as I have to get back for the season , but a month should be ample . I was less than a month in India , and my dear friend Sir Roger Cremorne wrote his America from Within after a stay of only two weeks . I should love to take dear Motty with me , but the poor boy gets so sick when he travels by train . I shall have to pick him up on my return . " From where I sat I could see Jeeves in the dining - room , laying the breakfast - table . I wished I could have had a minute with him alone . I felt certain that he would have been able to think of some way of putting a stop to this woman . " It will be such a relief to know that Motty is safe with you , Mr . Wooster . I know what the temptations of a great city are . Hitherto dear Motty has been sheltered from them . He has lived quietly with me in the country . I know that you will look after him carefully , Mr . Wooster . He will give verylittle trouble . " She talked about the poor blighter as if he wasn 't there . Not that Motty seemed to mind . He had stopped chewing his walking - stick and was sitting there with his mouth open . " He is a vegetarian and a teetotaller and is devoted to reading . Give him a nice book and he will be quite contented . " She got up . " Thank you so much , Mr . Wooster ! I don 't know what I should have done without your help . Come , Motty ! We have just time to see a few of the sights before my train goes . But I shall have to rely on you for most of my information about New York , darling . Be sure to keep your eyes open and take notes of your impressions ! It will be such a help . Good - bye , Mr . Wooster . I will send Motty back early in the afternoon . " " What 's to be done ? You heard it all , didn 't you ? You were in the dining - room most of the time . That pill is coming to stay here . " I looked at Jeeves sharply . This sort of thing wasn 't like him . It was as if he were deliberately trying to give me the pip . Then I understood . The man was really upset about that tie . He was trying to get his own back . I could have sobbed into the bacon and eggs . That there wasn 't any sympathy to be got out of Jeeves was what put the lid on it . For a moment I almost weakened and told him to destroy the hat and tie if he didn 't like them , but I pulled myself together again . I was dashed if I was going to let Jeeves treat me like a bally one - man chain - gang ! But , what with brooding on Jeeves and brooding on Motty , I was in a pretty reduced sort of state . The more I examined the situation , the more blighted it became . There was nothing I could do . If I slung Motty out , he would report to his mother , and she would pass it on to Aunt Agatha , and I didn 't like to think what would happen then . Sooner or later , I should be wanting to go back to England , and I didn 't want to get there and find Aunt Agatha waiting on the quay for me with a stuffed eelskin . There was absolutely nothing for it but to put the fellow up and make the best of it . About midday Motty 's luggage arrived , and soon afterward a large parcel of what I took to be nice books . I brightened up a little when I saw it . It was one of those massive parcels and looked as if it had enough in it to keep the chappie busy for a year . I felt a trifle more cheerful , and I got my Country Gentleman hat and stuck it on my head , and gave the pink tie a twist , and reeled out to take a bite of lunch with one or two of the lads at a neighbouring hostelry ; and what with excellent browsing and sluicing and cheery conversation and what - not , the afternoon passed quite happily . By dinner - time I had almost forgotten blighted Motty 's existence . So we lugged him in , and Jeeves put him to bed , and I lit a cigarette and sat down to think the thing over . I had a kind of foreboding . It seemed to me that I had let myself in for something pretty rocky . " Topping ! " replied Motty , blithely and with abandon . " I say , you know , that fellow of yours - Jeeves , you know - is a corker . I had a most frightful headache when I woke up , and he brought me a sort of rummy dark drink , and it put me right again at once . Said it was his own invention . I must see more of that lad . He seems to me distinctly one of the ones ! " " You ate something that disagreed with you last night , didn 't you ? " I said , by way of giving him a chance to slide out of it if he wanted to . But he wouldn 't have it , at any price . " No ! " he replied firmly . " I didn 't do anything of the kind . I drank too much ! Much too much . Lots and lots too much ! And , what 's more , I 'm going to do it again ! I 'm going to do it every night . If ever you see me sober , old top , " he said , with a kind of holy exaltation , " tap me on the shoulder and say , ' Tut ! Tut ! ' and I 'll apologize and remedy the defect . " " I can 't help your troubles , " said Motty firmly . " Listen to me , old thing : this is the first time in my life that I 've had a real chance to yield to the temptations of a great city . What 's the use of a great city having temptations if fellows don 't yield to them ? Makes it so bally discouraging for a great city . Besides , mother told me to keep my eyes open and collect impressions . " " I know just how you feel , old dear , " said Motty consolingly . " And , if my principles would permit it , I would simmer down for your sake . But duty first ! This is the first time I 've been let out alone , and I mean to make the most of it . We 're only young once . Why interfere with life 's morning ? Young man , rejoice in thy youth ! Tra - la ! What ho ! " " All my bally life , dear boy , " Motty went on , " I 've been cooped up in the ancestral home at Much Middlefold , in Shropshire , and till you 've been cooped up in Much Middlefold you don 't know what cooping is ! The only time we get any excitement is when one of the choir - boys is caught sucking chocolate during the sermon . When that happens , we talk about it for days . I 've got about a month of New York , and I mean to store up a few happy memories for the long winter evenings . This is my only chance to collect a past , and I 'm going to do it . Now tell me , old sport , as man to man , how does one get in touch with that very decent chappie Jeeves ? Does one ring a bell or shout a bit ? I should like to discuss the subject of a good stiff b . - and - s . with him ! " I had had a sort of vague idea , don 't you know , that if I stuck close to Motty and went about the place with him , I might act as a bit of a damper on the gaiety . What I mean is , I thought that if , when he was being the life and soul of the party , he were to catch my reproving eye he might ease up a trifle on the revelry . So the next night I took him along to supper with me . It was the last time . I 'm a quiet , peaceful sort of chappie who has lived all his life in London , and I can 't stand the pace these swift sportsmen from the rural districts set . What I mean to say is this , I 'm all for rational enjoyment and so forth , but I think a chappie makes himself conspicuous when he throws soft - boiled eggs at the electric fan . And decent mirth and all that sort of thing are all right , but I do bar dancing on tables and having to dash all over the place dodging waiters , managers , and chuckers - out , just when you want to sit still and digest . In a way , I couldn 't help sympathizing with the fellow . He had about four weeks to have the good time that ought to have been spread over about ten years , and I didn 't wonder at his wanting to be pretty busy . I should have been just the same in his place . Still , there was no denying that it was a bit thick . If it hadn 't been for the thought of Lady Malvern and Aunt Agatha in the background , I should have regarded Motty 's rapid work with an indulgent smile . But I couldn 't get rid of the feeling that , sooner or later , I was the lad who was scheduled to get it behind the ear . And what with brooding on this prospect , and sitting up in the old flat waiting for the familiar footstep , and putting it to bed when it got there , and stealing into the sick - chamber next morning to contemplate the wreckage , I was beginning to lose weight . Absolutely becoming the good old shadow , I give you my honest word . Starting at sudden noises and what - not . And no sympathy from Jeeves . That was what cut me to the quick . The man was still thoroughly pipped about the hat and tie , and simply wouldn 't rally round . One morning I wanted comforting so much that I sank the pride of the Woosters and appealed to the fellow direct . " You know what I mean . This lad seems to have chucked all the principles of a well - spent boyhood . He has got it up his nose ! " And he shimmered off to his lair . Obstinate devil ! So dashed absurd , don 't you know . It wasn 't as if there was anything wrong with that Country Gentleman hat . It was a remarkably priceless effort , and much admired by the lads . But , just because he preferred the Longacre , he left me flat . It was shortly after this that young Motty got the idea of bringing pals back in the small hours to continue the gay revels in the home . This was where I began to crack under the strain . You see , the part of town where I was living wasn 't the right place for that sort of thing . I knew lots of chappies down Washington Square way who started the evening at about 2 a . m . - artists and writers and what - not , who frolicked considerably till checked by the arrival of the morning milk . That was all right . They like that sort of thing down there . The neighbours can 't get to sleep unless there 's someone dancing Hawaiian dances over their heads . But on Fifty - seventh Street the atmosphere wasn 't right , and when Motty turned up at three in the morning with a collection of hearty lads , who only stopped singing their college song when they started singing " The Old Oaken Bucket , " there was a marked peevishness among the old settlers in the flats . The management was extremely terse over the telephone at breakfast - time , and took a lot of soothing . The next night I came home early , after a lonely dinner at a place which I 'd chosen because there didn 't seem any chance of meeting Motty there . The sitting - room was quite dark , and I was just moving to switch on the light , when there was a sort of explosion and something collared hold of my trouser - leg . Living with Motty had reduced me to such an extent that I was simply unable to cope with this thing . I jumped backward with a loud yell of anguish , and tumbled out into the hall just as Jeeves came out of his den to see what the matter was . " His lordship 's bull - terrier , sir . His lordship won him in a raffle , and tied him to the leg of the table . If you will allow me , sir , I will go in and switch on the light . " There really is nobody like Jeeves . He walked straight into the sitting - room , the biggest feat since Daniel and the lions ' den , without a quiver . What 's more , his magnetism or whatever they call it was such that the dashed animal , instead of pinning him by the leg , calmed down as if he had had a bromide , and rolled over on his back with all his paws in the air . If Jeeves had been his rich uncle he couldn 't have been more chummy . Yet directly he caught sight of me again , he got all worked up and seemed to have only one idea in life - to start chewing me where he had left off . " What do you mean - my peculiar scent ? Correct the impression that I intend to hang about in the hall while life slips by , in the hope that one of these days that dashed animal will decide that I smell all right . " I thought for a bit . " Jeeves ! " As a matter of fact , I was back within the week . Rocky Todd , the pal I went to stay with , is a rummy sort of a chap who lives all alone in the wilds of Long Island , and likes it ; but a little of that sort of thing goes a long way with me . Dear old Rocky is one of the best , but after a few days in his cottage in the woods , miles away from anywhere , New York , even with Motty on the premises , began to look pretty good to me . The days down on Long Island have forty - eight hours in them ; you can 't get to sleep at night because of the bellowing of the crickets ; and you have to walk two miles for a drink and six for an evening paper . I thanked Rocky for his kind hospitality , and caught the Date : 2015 - 04 - 20 ; view : 142 |
Yay for Memorial Day weekend ! I love three day weekends , even when I 'm not going out of town . Three day weekends mean that my Saturday is my own . I don 't have to run around getting all my errands done because I have a whole extra day to complete them . I can sleep in , have whatever breakfast I want instead of the breakfast I have time for , and lollygag around until I get motivated enough to do something . The Saturday before Memorial Day , I woke up after seven o ' clock for the first time in a long time . I snuggled with my honey and contemplated lazing away the morning in bed . I was feeling so well rested that I even decided to cook breakfast . I made eggs over easy for my honey and scrammies with hammies for myself , as well as some toast for me and a yogurt for him . I broke the yolks on both of the eggs I cooked for my honey . But , in my defense , I like my eggs scrambled and I haven 't been a breakfast waitress in almost a decade now . My skills are a little rusty , to put it mildly . Breakfast completed , my honey hopped into the shower while I awaited the arrival of our guest for the day . Mrs . Mynd had asked me on Friday at work if I would mind watching her daughter , affectionately known as Princess Sassy Pants ( or PSP ) on her father 's blog , while the older Mynds went to a rock climbing class . Since PSP and I had gotten along so well when her parents were out of town earlier this month , I told Mrs . Mynd that I 'd love to watch the kiddo . The princess arrived at the house at about 10 : 30 complete with a breakfast from Panera . I had shared with Mrs . Mynd that I was thinking of going shoe shopping on Saturday , so PSP had come over with no toys or games , but prepared to spend the day walking around shopping centers and malls with me . As soon as I was ready to go , so was she . Yippee ! A girlie day of shopping for shoes . Does life get any better than that ? I think not ! Princess Sassy Pants was an awesome shopping partner ! She could glance at a pair of shoes I was considering and immediately offer an opinion about the height of the heel , sole thickness , or dressy quality of the shoe . She quickly learned my shoe size and would scan the lower shelves looking for any shoe that we decided met the criteria . It was like having a mini personal shopper ! We came up short at Famous Footwear and Payless . I blamed our close parking space for the lack of acceptable footwear . If there is a close parking space available , Murphy 's Law clearly states that the store will not have what you want . At Kohl 's , we hit pay dirt and found two pairs of sandals . Yay for cute shoes that won 't brake my ankles ! We stopped and got lunch from Atlanta Bread on our way home . We happily muched on soup and sandwiches before getting down to the very best part of the day . The princess was in the mood to play a game . Since I have no children of my own and all of my old childhood board games are still at my mother 's house there was only one available game in the house to play . Twister ! Mrs . Mynd , the school secretary where I work , had given me Twister when some misguided soul donated it to the school for use as an indoor recess game . Can you imagine the trips to the school nurse that could ensue from playing that game during indoor recess ? I shutter to think . Needless to say , Mrs . Mynd decided the game was not for classroom use and sent it home with me one Friday when I was hosting a faculty happy hour . Before you ask , it didn 't get used then , either . But , I digress . PSP wanted to play a game and Twister was the only one to be had in the house . The rest of the story is much better told through pictures than anything I could possibly think to say . There are no pictures of me playing Twister with PSP , although I did play three rounds with her . I was just smart enough to maintain control of the camera , even while I was playing . We had a blast ! My honey 's in the kitchen on the verge of a panic attack because guess who 's coming to dinner . . . my mother . In a further attempt to charm and win her over , my honey came up with a great idea this week . He invited Mom over for a homemade meal of his world - famous tacos and Spanish rice . He hoped a wonderful meal and good company would help to ease her disapproval of our living situation . He planned everything down to the last detail . He planned a full menu , made a comprehensive grocery list , went shopping well in advance , and had a schedule going in his head for when he needed to start cooking each appetizer and entree . He was fully confident in his menu and ready for this meal . What he wasn 't ready for was the amount of anxiety he would experience because he was in charge of making a meal for my mother . As you may have read earlier this month , I experienced alot of anxiety and stress over his parents ' coming over on Mother 's Day . Some of my nuttiness was because of the total spring cleaning that needed to occur before their arrival , but a lot of it was because I know his mom is an amazing cook . My honey is always talking about the great meals his mom makes and what a good cook she is . I wanted the food to live up to her high standards . My mom , on the other hand , never cooked when I was growing up . My dad got home first , so he always started dinner . I didn 't know my mother could cook until I was well into my teens . Plus , my mom has been to my house loads of times , when it was both clean and dirty . No need for stress when cooking for a returning visitor , right ? Wrong ! My honey was stressing out about this dinner from the second he got home . Traffic had been especially bad that day and he was about thirty minutes late getting home from work . This meant that immediately he was behind schedule . Add to that the fact that he realized after getting into the kitchen that he had forgotten to leave the steak out to thaw and we had a recipe for a frazzled chef . My honey was panicking as he started mentally reorganizing his menu . " We have pre - cooked chicken strips in the fridge for your salads , right ? I can use those to make tacos , can 't I ? " my honey was asking . I assured him that we did have chicken and he could use it . Since it had been a hot day , I sent him upstairs to change out of his work clothes while I put the steak into the microwave to thaw . By the time he came back down , the steak was thawed and I 'd sliced up the onions for him . Crisis # 1 averted . He decided he would do both chicken and steak tacos , anyway . Next , he began to worry about what time my mother would arrive . We hadn 't set a firm time for dinner . We usually go over to her house for dinner at about six , but Mom has been known to show up at my house early . He asked me to call her and confirm her arrival time . As he began sauteeing onions and mushrooms , I put in the call to Mom . Mom was willing to show up whenever we were ready , but had been planning to arrive sometime around five thirty . This gave my honey even less time to get the meal together . I shared this with him as he started making the rice . In his distress , he put too much water in with the rice . Now he was freaking out and asking if we had some white rice he could mix in to correct the ratio of cups of rice to cups of water . I assured him we did have more rice and got it for him . Then , I started making the salads , so he 'd have one less thing to worry about for dinner . Mom showed up as I was putting the salads on the table . Mom had brought my beloved dog , Roxy , with her . My honey was immediately greeted with doggie kisses which seeemed to calm him down some . My mother , being quite used to showing up for meals at my house that aren 't ready when she arrives , sat down at the kitchen table and chatted with us while I set the table and my honey finished cooking the taco meats . He did a great job of making light of his delayed start and measuring blunder and even though I knew how upset he had been earlier , I don 't think Mom had any idea how frazzled he was . Everything else came off without a hitch . The meal was delicious ! Mom was impressed with my honey 's culinary skills and told him he was now the chef for family taco night over at her house . Yay ! What a success ! My honey even made my mom smile when she saw him slipping table scraps to Roxy , the wondermutt , under the table . I did dishes in the kitchen while my honey showed my mom some of the personal touches he had added to the living room ( such as the hockey player bobbleheads on the mantel and our massive joint DVD collection ) . Mom and I had choir practice after dinner , so Mom made her farewells to my honey and headed out to the car . I had to laugh once she was out the door . " Now you know how I felt when your parents were coming over for dinner ! " I told him . I gave him a big hug and kiss and told him I loved him before heading out to choir practice . I am exhausted ! We had such a busy weekend . My honey and I were booked solid with lots of family and friends related activities . We had a yard sale to set - up with my mom , a friend 's birthday to celebrate , a wine tasting to attend ( Yeah , I know . My non - drinking self went to a wine tasting . ) , Sunday dinner at my mom 's house , and then the great crash from all that running around . Although the items just listed were in the order of there scheduled appearance , events did not necessarily occur in that order . . . In the early hours of Saturday morning , I was gently nudged awake and a voice whispered into my ear . But , it wasn 't sweet nothings my honey was whispering , instead it was , " What time did you tell your mother you would be over to help out with the yard sale ? " Not exactly the wake up call that every girl hopes for on a weekend morning . It wasn 't even seven a . m . I was being awoken ( gently , kindly , and with all the love in his heart ) by my honey to ensure that I was on time to my mother 's house . Given the current state of inter - household relations , being late and angering Mom was NOT a good idea . I completely understood his concern for my timely departure . But , it was Saturday and I was so tired my eyes hurt . It was my one day a week to sleep in without an alarm waking me up . I was pouty and unhappy about having to be up , but fear of further maternal disapproval got me moving and over to Mom 's house promptly at 7 : 30 . My honey opted to stay home , having not seen my mother since I dropped the ' moving in together ' news on her and being unsure of his welcome . Within two seconds of my arrival , though , my mother was asking where he was and why I had been unable to talk him into coming over and helping out . So , I texted him to hustle over to the mothership 's home . I also promised her delivery of one honey in five minutes or less . Oops , his place is fifteen minutes away . Mine is two minutes away . Guess she knows where he spent Friday night ! Oh well , she 's going to have to get used to the idea eventually , right ? Why not start now ? He arrived just outside of my boasted five minute window , but in good spirits and very willing to do anything my mother wanted him to do . My honey 's no fool . He would have gratefully schlepped hundreds of pounds of yard sale trinkets out of and back into the house in order to earn some goodwill from my mother . We got the yard sale set up and Mom left the two of us outside to act as her sales team . We did a pretty good job , too . Over the course of four hours , my honey and I sold ninety dollars worth of junk to unsuspecting strangers and neighbors . If you don 't think that sounds like a lot , consider the fact that not a single item in my mom 's yard sale cost more than one dollar . Yard sale completed and maternal goodwill earned , we raced off to celebrate my BFF 's birthday . She had decided that this year 's birthday theme would be " Thirty - One Is The New Twenty - One " and in this spirit , we reenacted her twenty first birthday with a trip to a local event known as " Wine In The Woods " . Now , I don 't drink and my honey is more of a beer drinker , but since it was her birthday and my honey was already gaining experience as a goodwill ambassador , we paid the fee for one designated driver and one wine taster and in we went . We hadn 't eaten breakfast before rushing off to yard sale with my mother , so the first thing we did once inside the " woods " was hunt down a food vendor for some barbecue . BBQ sandwiches in hand we strolled through the crowds looking for the friendamily . Within ten minutes , in fact before we even located my friendamily among the sea of thousands of smiling , glassy eyed faces , one of us was already hurting . It was me , of course ! Leave it to me to be the only sober person in the park to stumble and fall because of a pothole in the dirt walking path . My honey was walking directly in front of me . Hundreds of people were walking directly in front of him . Nobody else had any trouble negotiating the dirt path , but me , the SOBER girl ! The pothole was about six inches in diameter and maybe three or four inches deep , but I couldn 't see it because of the thick crowd meandering along the path . I stepped right into it and went down like a ton of bricks ! Man , this sounds familiar ! Oh , wait . I did something similar just a few months ago when I broke my right ankle . Luckily , this time it was my left foot and I was wearing tennis shoes , so I didn 't break anything . Thank God for the last second impulse I had to change my shoes between the yard sale and the wine tasting ! But , I couldn 't stroll from tent to tent with my friends while they tasted various wines or visit the craft fair in the middle of the park because walking more than twenty feet just wasn 't an option . In short , the rest of my day was pretty much trashed after I fell . Funnily enough , after two minutes of browbeating from my friends to leave me on the blankets in the shade and two hours of strolling around in search of a bottle of the wine he had enjoyed , my honey was also trashed . So now I was hurting and he was feeling no pain . My honey is a happy drunk , but even a happy drunk can be obnoxious when you 're not feeling very happy yourself . Upon returning to our home base , my honey was happily intoxicated and telling me that if he could have fallen in my place , he would have . It was sweet the first time he said it . By the forty or fiftieth time he said it , it wasn 't sweet anymore . It was really annoying . I know you are reading this and cringing right now , my love . No worries . I still love you even when you are intoxicated and repeating yourself over and over and over again . Eventually , it was time for the merriment and imbibing to stop . This is where the real trouble began . The parking lot and my car were a good half mile from the wine tasting pavillions . I was in no shape to walk that far . My honey was in no shape to aid me in walking that far , though he certainly tried . We started out walking arm in arm , but as we began going downhill towards the parking lot , gravity seemed to speed up my honey 's steps til he was pulling me along . Afraid he was going to pull me forward and cause another fall , I let go of his arm and started walking unaided . We caught a very brief ride with the handicapped shuttle ( which stopped twenty yards short of the parking lot , WTF ? ! ) and then I bit my lip and dug my fingernails into my palms as I walked the last five hundred yards to the car unassisted . I drove us home ( Again , thank goodness it was my left foot and not my right ! ) , got him dinner , and then watched him pass out on the couch before eating a single bite . Thankfully , this brought Saturday to a close . Sunday started with my honey telling me that the room was spinning and his head hurt . Shocker ! I wasn 't surprised after all that wine . I got him some Advil and a cup of water before getting ready for church . I drove over to my mother 's house to pick her up for church and she was bubbling over with excitement about how much stuff she had gotten rid of and how much money we had made at the yard sale the day before . She inspected my foot and proclaimed nothing was broken , though Doctor Mom quickly announced that I was going to have the mother of all bruises in a day or two . She was right ! My foot is black and blue now . Now for the really good news : We must have impressed Mom with our yard sale efforts because she announced after church that I should go home and get my honey because she had made a pot roast for Sunday dinner . Pot roast is one of my all - time favorite Mom meals . If she 's making my favorites again , that can only be a good sign for her getting over her earlier displeasure with us . Don 't you agree ? ! ? ! What ? Well , who asked you , anyway ? Oh wait , I did . We survived Mother 's Day ! My honey won the battle over who would be cooking by being the first to get out of bed that day . Can you really call a thirty second conversation a battle ? We 're still so in the honeymoon stage that neither of us raised an eyebrow , let alone a voice at the other . I was okay with that because I was such a shrew the day before that I figured if he wanted to cook , then I should let him do whatever he wanted . I got to make the salad , set the table , and serve dinner , so we had a nice division of labor going for us . My honey even excused my cleaning frenzy craziness , saying that I was stressed out and that it was okay that I vented a little in his direction . I still don 't think my behavior was okay , but if he 's willing to forgive , then I am willing to forget . He was such a good sport about my stressed out craziness . So now he 's seen me pretty much at my worst and he 's still here . . . yay ! ! ! This week was fairly eventful . I had to house sit / dog sit for my mother while she was out of town overnight on a business trip , which meant that my honey got to spend his first night home alone at the townhouse . We texted back and forth before bedtime , like we used to do before we lived together . Then , I texted him an hour later when I couldn 't get to sleep . A few weeks ago , when he was out of town on vacation and / or babysitting over at the Mynd 's house and I couldn 't get to sleep , I would watch the Western Conference hockey playoff games to get to sleep . At the time , he thought he 'd created a hockey fiend , but really I was watching the games because it made me feel closer to him since he 's such a huge hockey fan . I had to resort to watching the L . A . Kings decimate the Phoenix Coyotes to get to sleep while house sitting for my mom , too . I even caught myself rolling over in the middle of the night and reaching for my honey , something my mother 's dog did not appreciate , as I grabbed her at three a . m . instead . It was only a night away from home , but we were both exhausted the next day . Apparently , despite sleeping solo for the better part of thirty plus years each , neither of us can get a good night 's sleep without the other being there anymore . Weird , huh ? We caught up on our sleep the next evening before life started getting eventful again . My honey 's best friend , whom we normally dine with about once a week , got some bad news from back home that his mother had passed away . His mother had been in failing health for months and he had visited her about three weeks ago when her caregivers warned him that the end was nigh , so this wasn 't an unexpected event . But losing a parent , even when you know it 's coming , is never easy . My honey rushed out to be with his friend ( they were already planning to have dinner together , but he left early so they could have more time to talk ) and I went over to my mother 's house to have dinner before going to choir practice . I chose that evening to tell my mother about the fact that my honey and I were moving in together . Maybe not the wisest course of action on my part , huh ? I 'm sure you are wondering how she could possibly have not known about this life event , especially considering you 've known about it for weeks and weeks . Well , the answer is simple . My mom doesn 't know that I write a blog and I hadn 't shared too many relationship highlights with her lately . Believe it or not , I am pretty close to my mom . My best friend once told me that my mother was really my best friend and my BFF just ran a close second . I usually tell my mom everything . In this situation , I didn 't tell her much of anything for a couple of reasons . First , it 's not the world 's most comfortable conversation to tell your Catholic mother that you are engaging in pre - marital sex . Second , telling Mom that my honey was spending the night regularly and getting comfy in my home wouldn 't exactly have been good dinner conversation with my brother , sister - in - law , and four year old nephew also at the table . Third , telling the woman who moved straight from her parents ' house to her wedded home that my significant other was moving in , despite the fact that there was no engagement ring on my left ring finger , wasn 't going to be a happy conversation . So , I procrastinated in tell her . Can you blame me ? I probably would have procrastinated even longer , except for the fact that my honey was bothered by the fact that I was keeping our moving in together a secret from her . He 'd been encouraging me to tell her for quite a while and it needed to get done . I know that . The sheer number of people who knew about our moving adventures meant that I was living on borrowed time to tell her myself before she bumped into someone who would inadvertantly informed her about my living situation by asking how the move was going . This week , I put on my big girl panties and told her . By the way , I was right . It wasn 't a very happy conversation . She isn 't happy with me right now on many levels . First , she asked how I knew we would be compatible living together and I , like an idiot , answered her . Thus , I confirmed her fears about pre - marital sex and her suspicions that my honey had been spending a lot of nights here . Then , she asked about the impending move of my honey 's parents . Early on , I 'd been told by a friend that my honey 's parents were moving back to their home state of Indiana and he was getting their town house when they went . Long story short , they aren 't moving anytime soon and if they ever do move they will be selling their home . The ' no move ' revelation brought on the wrath of the ignored mother , who 'd been only too willing to be flexible on Mother 's Day and at other times because she thought she would only have to deal with sharing us with the in - laws for a few months at most . Upon hearing that my honey 's parents weren 't going anywhere , she promptly told me what she thought about all that flexibility she 'd been showing . She doesn 't like having to share me with another family . She doesn 't like not getting to see me daily and wondering when she will see me next . In short , she 's having some separation anxiety . That 's where we stand right now . My mother isn 't very happy with my recent life choices . My honey got an extra dose of stress , when he really didn 't need another person to worry about , as I came home all freaked out after receiving maternal disapproval for the first time in my life . And we still had a busy weekend of family and friend events ahead of us , but that 's a story for a later blog . This weekend , I am a crazy lady . I can 't help it and I did it to myself . While broaching the topic of Mother 's Day with my honey to find out if we were going to be doing the Mom thing separately or together , together being his preference , I unintentionally set myself up for a massive meltdown . He wanted to do Mother 's Day with his mom on Saturday , but she was booked by his siblings . My mom was willing to bend to whatever the schedule needed to be , wasn 't that accomodating of her ? I suggested lunch on Sunday . He didn 't want to go out as every nice restaurant on the planet would be a mad house and we couldn 't very well ask his mom to cook her own lunch , now could we ? So , without any forethought to the consequences of what I was about to suggest , I suggested we have his parents over to our place for lunch . What the hell was I thinking ? His parents have never been to my place before . We are in the middle of moving in together . There 's stuff everywhere ! Plus , I was not the world 's greatest housekeeper before he and all his stuff arrived , so the house was already in desperate need of a spring cleaning . I don 't want their first impression of my home to be that it needs to be cleaned and decluttered and what is their son getting himself into with this messy woman ! The next day , I managed to shoot myself in the foot again by talking to my honey when I wasn 't quite awake . We were laying in bed , discussing where to watch Saturday 's hockey game , and my honey was lamenting my living room TV because it 's an old tube screen TV that 's gotten a little blurry with age and is nowhere near as big as his massive big screen . He can 't see the puck on my TV . The score is so small and blurry that he had to use his phone to check the score of last night 's baseball game when he turned it on . Et cetera , et cetera , et cetera . Again with no forethought and no conscious brain activity looking out for me and my best interests , I sleepily mumbled that we should bring his big screen over to the house ( in reckless violation of the June 8th agreement ) and set it up on top of my entertainment center until we could get a new entertainment center to hold it . He said that would be great and he was sure his parents wouldn 't think we were being rednecks by having a TV on top of a TV . It took forty minutes of negotiations / arguing to retract the statement . My honey had realized he could get a rise out of me by playing around with the TV on top of the TV thing and kept insisting he was going to bring it over . Even as he left for work , he was still saying how excited he was that the big screen was coming over , completely ignoring my repeated cries that NO , it was not coming over . I even texted him another NO after he left for work . He thought it was hysterical that I was getting so worked up about the house not looking perfect when his parents came over . Little did he know that he was only seeing the tip of the crazy lady iceberg . This morning began too early . It 's Saturday and Saturdays are supposed to be for sleeping late to catch up on all the rest you missed out on during the week . But , not this Saturday , not for me because his parents will be in my home tomorrow and I hadn 't had any time at all to even think about cleaning the house . I set an alarm for six a . m . because in addition to needing to clean the house top to bottom and go to the grocery store to refill my empty fridge with Mother 's Day lunch items , I had to get my emissions test done on my car . This is the last weekend before the deadline and I had even told my honey to remind me that I had to get it done first thing this morning . I woke five minutes before the alarm was set to go off and laid in bed thinking I 'd get up as soon as the alarm went off . Well , the alarm didn 't go off and I slept in til eight when my honey rolled over and reminded me that I wanted to get to the emissions place early . Epic fail on the alarm clock ! Maybe it knew I was really tired and needed more sleep . Maybe the alarm clock was looking out for me today , since I 'm not doing such a hot job of it myself . I blew off the emissions testing after my honey read the reminder notice and saw that they had evening hours on Tuesday and Wednesday . Time to start cleaning the house ! I started upstairs and my honey went down to tidy up the living room . Immediately , we had a problem . My honey hasn 't lived here that long and he didn 't know where to put anything away . He knows where to go to find food , to take a shower , to watch TV , and to go to sleep . Other than that , he doesn 't have a clue where I keep things . " Honey , where 's the vacuum ? " " Honey , where do you want me to put this ? " In trying to help , my honey was driving me nuts and because we each had our own ideas about the order in which things needed to be cleaned , I was ending up going behind him and redoing everything he had done . My autocorrecting his cleaning made him nuts . This wasn 't working . In an attempt to get things back on track and avoid the fight that was starting to brew , I asked my honey to get the garbage from all the bedrooms and bathrooms and when I came down to find two full trash bags I sent him to the dump . I love my honey , but I don 't know if I can have him in the house while I 'm cleaning . While he was gone , I cleaned and mopped two bathrooms , the kitchen , and the front foyer . When he got back , I announced that the wet kitchen floor made this the perfect time to go to the grocery store . This was a great idea because it was our first trip to the grocery store where we were getting food to cook a meal together in our home . My honey got a real kick out of the domesticity of it all . Who knew grocery shopping could save the day ? Back at the house , we took a break for lunch . I looked around my messy living room and dining room and began to freak out about the ton of cleaning still left to do . My honey said we would get it all done in no time . Only if we meant me cleaning and him watching sports on TV , my head screamed . I had a little meltdown , right then and there . My honey rubbed my back and shoulders and hugged me , trying to get me to calm down . He was being so sweet and I was feeling like such a bitch for not wanting his help , but I had to say something to him . I told him the only help I wanted from him was for him to stay out of whatever room I was cleaning at the time . He looked at me like I was nuts . I probably hurt his feelings . No , I definitely hurt his feelings . But , I needed to tell him that the best thing he could do was to get out of my way and let me get this done . He looked a little chagrined , but being a smart man , he let me have my way . Sort of . He insisted on tidying up some of the boxes of his stuff in the home office . Since I was done cleaning in that room , I was okay with that . He left me alone for about an hour before asking if there was anything he could do to help . I sent him out to the deck to sweep off the " helicopters " and other gifts from my neighbors ' trees . While he was out there , I finished cleaning the dining room . I took a break from cleaning when he came back in and went to the kitchen to make the dessert for the Mother 's Day lunch . Shortly there after , I discovered that my rarely used kitchen was missing a whisk which I would need to make the dessert . " Honey , would you like to help me ? Run to the store and get me a whisk , please . " Perfect ! I finished cleaning the rest of the house while he was out looking for the whisk . I even asked for a specific brand of kitchen utensil , which slowed him down some . Whisks he could find , but the OXO brand whisk proved to be elusive . Now the house is clean , the dessert is ready for tomorrow 's lunch , and all I have left to do is cook the pot roast tomorrow morning . My honey is already making noises about how he will be doing the cooking , but says he might let me help . If he lets me help the same way that I let him help me today , I have a feeling I will be banned from my own kitchen tomorrow morning . We 've hit a new stage in our relationship . My , they seem to be coming fast and furious now , don 't they ? It started out as a night here or there . Then , it was all weekend and now it 's progressed to every night . My honey is always at my place now . In fact , he now has his own key to the house . We were briefly separated recently due to his vacation plans and the Mynd 's taking a long weekend trip out of town for a family wedding . The Mynd 's have three children ; two teenage boys and a second grade princess . We had each , separately , agreed to help watch their kids before we started dating . My honey had agreed to stay at the Mynd 's to watch the teenagers . I had agreed to watch the princess at my place for a boy - free weekend of girliness . All of this was scheduled and arranged in January , months before our first date would take place . Even though ' he ' and ' I ' are now a ' we ' , my honey thought it was a bad idea to stay at the Mynd 's together to watch the kids . Something about unmarried people sharing a bed and scarring young mynds for life . So , there would be a boy house and a girl house for the duration of the long weekend . I say we were apart , but we got the kids together as often as possible over the weekend . It would have been cruel to keep us the kids apart for five whole days . We took the kids out to eat , took the kids to see the new claymation Pirate movie , watched hockey games with the kids on the Mynd 's hi - def , big screen TV , and took the kids to church together . He took them to the service at their church , I went to mass at my church . By the end of the weekend , my honey had decided that three kids was too many and he definitely didn 't want to have more than two . The teenage Mynds are a little older than this , but the princess from this picture definitely works . I 'm pretty sure his trip to and from church alone with all three kids in his car helped him reach the two child max decision . When I caught up with them after mass , he looked flushed , beleaguered , and was mouthing to me , " Please , take one of them ! I don 't care which one , just take one . " I took the princess , who also looked like she desperately needed a break from her brothers . Apparently , " I 'm Not Touching You " was a game played diligently during the ride to and from church . In spite of this , we somehow survived our extended weekend of quasi - parenthood and we even found time to nap together on the couch while the princess cleaned her room and the boys played on the gaming console of their choice . A few days later , we took the conversation a step further . My honey gets home from work earlier than I normally do . Since he 's been staying with me so much , I 've been cutting out of work earlier than normal in order to get to the house before him . But , last Wednesday was a long day for me at work . I had a mandatory training til after 5 pm , which wasn 't going to work with the whole rushing home to open the house for my honey thing I 'd been doing . He 's normally off work by four and home by quarter of five . We talked about ways to solve this problem . He said he could go to his place and hang out for an hour . I thought that was silly since he hasn 't done that in ages . I offered to leave him my key so he could let himself in when he got to the house . He said that wouldn 't work since I leave for work after him and would need the key to lock up the house . Nothing I suggested was acceptable to him . Then , I looked at him and realized what he was angling towards . My honey was ready for a key to the house ! This is not the first time this key situation has occurred . There have been times where he was off work and I wasn 't , times where I left for church and he waited at the house for me to come back . I left him the key on those occassions because I felt bad that he couldn 't leave the house due to his keyless status . I even told him to take the key and get a copy made while he was off work so that he could come and go as he pleased . He refused , saying that getting a copy of the key was something we should do together . Now , by refusing to accept any alternative solution to the problem , I realized he wanted a house key . Big step , huh ? When I suggested we go to the hardware store and get a key made for him , he lit up like a Christmas tree . He grabbed his keys and suggested we go immediately . Yup , that 's what he was aiming for with all that nay - saying of other ways to handle the situation . So , off to the hardware store we went and together we had a key made for him . We also had a copy made for Mrs . Mynd in the event that I ever fall out of a canoe again and need her to come to the rescue with dry clothes . The key was apparently a starting gun for moving in together , something we have been talking about doing , but that I wanted to hold off on until after school let out . Once my honey had a key to the casa , stacks of DVDs showed up in my living room , tons more clothing arrived in the bedroom , and a box of hockey paraphenalia showed up in my home office . There has even been talk of his big screen TV ( which won 't fit in my current entertainment center ) and his gaming system making the journey to the house . I put the kibosh on that one temporarily . Holy moly , that 's a lot of DVDs . I owned plenty on my own , but now there have to be like 500 DVDs in the house . I can organize and store DVDs ( as seen above ) and clothes on the fly when the situation calls for it . The box of hockey stuff can hide in the office til I 'm ready to help him figure out where it will go on permanent display . I draw the line at moving furntiure ( extremely large and heavy furniture ) before school lets out . We said not til June 8th and I 'm holding him to that deal . I 'm betting the TV and entertainment center are here before then , though . He 'll wear me down , I just know he will . How else can the hockey bobbleheads lining my mantle right now be explained ? Three months ago , I couldn 't have told you who most of these players were and now they live on my mantle . Don 't the eyes seem to follow you ? Creepy ! |
Yay for Memorial Day weekend ! I love three day weekends , even when I 'm not going out of town . Three day weekends mean that my Saturday is my own . I don 't have to run around getting all my errands done because I have a whole extra day to complete them . I can sleep in , have whatever breakfast I want instead of the breakfast I have time for , and lollygag around until I get motivated enough to do something . The Saturday before Memorial Day , I woke up after seven o ' clock for the first time in a long time . I snuggled with my honey and contemplated lazing away the morning in bed . I was feeling so well rested that I even decided to cook breakfast . I made eggs over easy for my honey and scrammies with hammies for myself , as well as some toast for me and a yogurt for him . I broke the yolks on both of the eggs I cooked for my honey . But , in my defense , I like my eggs scrambled and I haven 't been a breakfast waitress in almost a decade now . My skills are a little rusty , to put it mildly . Breakfast completed , my honey hopped into the shower while I awaited the arrival of our guest for the day . Mrs . Mynd had asked me on Friday at work if I would mind watching her daughter , affectionately known as Princess Sassy Pants ( or PSP ) on her father 's blog , while the older Mynds went to a rock climbing class . Since PSP and I had gotten along so well when her parents were out of town earlier this month , I told Mrs . Mynd that I 'd love to watch the kiddo . The princess arrived at the house at about 10 : 30 complete with a breakfast from Panera . I had shared with Mrs . Mynd that I was thinking of going shoe shopping on Saturday , so PSP had come over with no toys or games , but prepared to spend the day walking around shopping centers and malls with me . As soon as I was ready to go , so was she . Yippee ! A girlie day of shopping for shoes . Does life get any better than that ? I think not ! Princess Sassy Pants was an awesome shopping partner ! She could glance at a pair of shoes I was considering and immediately offer an opinion about the height of the heel , sole thickness , or dressy quality of the shoe . She quickly learned my shoe size and would scan the lower shelves looking for any shoe that we decided met the criteria . It was like having a mini personal shopper ! We came up short at Famous Footwear and Payless . I blamed our close parking space for the lack of acceptable footwear . If there is a close parking space available , Murphy 's Law clearly states that the store will not have what you want . At Kohl 's , we hit pay dirt and found two pairs of sandals . Yay for cute shoes that won 't brake my ankles ! We stopped and got lunch from Atlanta Bread on our way home . We happily muched on soup and sandwiches before getting down to the very best part of the day . The princess was in the mood to play a game . Since I have no children of my own and all of my old childhood board games are still at my mother 's house there was only one available game in the house to play . Twister ! Mrs . Mynd , the school secretary where I work , had given me Twister when some misguided soul donated it to the school for use as an indoor recess game . Can you imagine the trips to the school nurse that could ensue from playing that game during indoor recess ? I shutter to think . Needless to say , Mrs . Mynd decided the game was not for classroom use and sent it home with me one Friday when I was hosting a faculty happy hour . Before you ask , it didn 't get used then , either . But , I digress . PSP wanted to play a game and Twister was the only one to be had in the house . The rest of the story is much better told through pictures than anything I could possibly think to say . There are no pictures of me playing Twister with PSP , although I did play three rounds with her . I was just smart enough to maintain control of the camera , even while I was playing . We had a blast ! My honey 's in the kitchen on the verge of a panic attack because guess who 's coming to dinner . . . my mother . In a further attempt to charm and win her over , my honey came up with a great idea this week . He invited Mom over for a homemade meal of his world - famous tacos and Spanish rice . He hoped a wonderful meal and good company would help to ease her disapproval of our living situation . He planned everything down to the last detail . He planned a full menu , made a comprehensive grocery list , went shopping well in advance , and had a schedule going in his head for when he needed to start cooking each appetizer and entree . He was fully confident in his menu and ready for this meal . What he wasn 't ready for was the amount of anxiety he would experience because he was in charge of making a meal for my mother . As you may have read earlier this month , I experienced alot of anxiety and stress over his parents ' coming over on Mother 's Day . Some of my nuttiness was because of the total spring cleaning that needed to occur before their arrival , but a lot of it was because I know his mom is an amazing cook . My honey is always talking about the great meals his mom makes and what a good cook she is . I wanted the food to live up to her high standards . My mom , on the other hand , never cooked when I was growing up . My dad got home first , so he always started dinner . I didn 't know my mother could cook until I was well into my teens . Plus , my mom has been to my house loads of times , when it was both clean and dirty . No need for stress when cooking for a returning visitor , right ? Wrong ! My honey was stressing out about this dinner from the second he got home . Traffic had been especially bad that day and he was about thirty minutes late getting home from work . This meant that immediately he was behind schedule . Add to that the fact that he realized after getting into the kitchen that he had forgotten to leave the steak out to thaw and we had a recipe for a frazzled chef . My honey was panicking as he started mentally reorganizing his menu . " We have pre - cooked chicken strips in the fridge for your salads , right ? I can use those to make tacos , can 't I ? " my honey was asking . I assured him that we did have chicken and he could use it . Since it had been a hot day , I sent him upstairs to change out of his work clothes while I put the steak into the microwave to thaw . By the time he came back down , the steak was thawed and I 'd sliced up the onions for him . Crisis # 1 averted . He decided he would do both chicken and steak tacos , anyway . Next , he began to worry about what time my mother would arrive . We hadn 't set a firm time for dinner . We usually go over to her house for dinner at about six , but Mom has been known to show up at my house early . He asked me to call her and confirm her arrival time . As he began sauteeing onions and mushrooms , I put in the call to Mom . Mom was willing to show up whenever we were ready , but had been planning to arrive sometime around five thirty . This gave my honey even less time to get the meal together . I shared this with him as he started making the rice . In his distress , he put too much water in with the rice . Now he was freaking out and asking if we had some white rice he could mix in to correct the ratio of cups of rice to cups of water . I assured him we did have more rice and got it for him . Then , I started making the salads , so he 'd have one less thing to worry about for dinner . Mom showed up as I was putting the salads on the table . Mom had brought my beloved dog , Roxy , with her . My honey was immediately greeted with doggie kisses which seeemed to calm him down some . My mother , being quite used to showing up for meals at my house that aren 't ready when she arrives , sat down at the kitchen table and chatted with us while I set the table and my honey finished cooking the taco meats . He did a great job of making light of his delayed start and measuring blunder and even though I knew how upset he had been earlier , I don 't think Mom had any idea how frazzled he was . Everything else came off without a hitch . The meal was delicious ! Mom was impressed with my honey 's culinary skills and told him he was now the chef for family taco night over at her house . Yay ! What a success ! My honey even made my mom smile when she saw him slipping table scraps to Roxy , the wondermutt , under the table . I did dishes in the kitchen while my honey showed my mom some of the personal touches he had added to the living room ( such as the hockey player bobbleheads on the mantel and our massive joint DVD collection ) . Mom and I had choir practice after dinner , so Mom made her farewells to my honey and headed out to the car . I had to laugh once she was out the door . " Now you know how I felt when your parents were coming over for dinner ! " I told him . I gave him a big hug and kiss and told him I loved him before heading out to choir practice . I am exhausted ! We had such a busy weekend . My honey and I were booked solid with lots of family and friends related activities . We had a yard sale to set - up with my mom , a friend 's birthday to celebrate , a wine tasting to attend ( Yeah , I know . My non - drinking self went to a wine tasting . ) , Sunday dinner at my mom 's house , and then the great crash from all that running around . Although the items just listed were in the order of there scheduled appearance , events did not necessarily occur in that order . . . In the early hours of Saturday morning , I was gently nudged awake and a voice whispered into my ear . But , it wasn 't sweet nothings my honey was whispering , instead it was , " What time did you tell your mother you would be over to help out with the yard sale ? " Not exactly the wake up call that every girl hopes for on a weekend morning . It wasn 't even seven a . m . I was being awoken ( gently , kindly , and with all the love in his heart ) by my honey to ensure that I was on time to my mother 's house . Given the current state of inter - household relations , being late and angering Mom was NOT a good idea . I completely understood his concern for my timely departure . But , it was Saturday and I was so tired my eyes hurt . It was my one day a week to sleep in without an alarm waking me up . I was pouty and unhappy about having to be up , but fear of further maternal disapproval got me moving and over to Mom 's house promptly at 7 : 30 . My honey opted to stay home , having not seen my mother since I dropped the ' moving in together ' news on her and being unsure of his welcome . Within two seconds of my arrival , though , my mother was asking where he was and why I had been unable to talk him into coming over and helping out . So , I texted him to hustle over to the mothership 's home . I also promised her delivery of one honey in five minutes or less . Oops , his place is fifteen minutes away . Mine is two minutes away . Guess she knows where he spent Friday night ! Oh well , she 's going to have to get used to the idea eventually , right ? Why not start now ? He arrived just outside of my boasted five minute window , but in good spirits and very willing to do anything my mother wanted him to do . My honey 's no fool . He would have gratefully schlepped hundreds of pounds of yard sale trinkets out of and back into the house in order to earn some goodwill from my mother . We got the yard sale set up and Mom left the two of us outside to act as her sales team . We did a pretty good job , too . Over the course of four hours , my honey and I sold ninety dollars worth of junk to unsuspecting strangers and neighbors . If you don 't think that sounds like a lot , consider the fact that not a single item in my mom 's yard sale cost more than one dollar . Yard sale completed and maternal goodwill earned , we raced off to celebrate my BFF 's birthday . She had decided that this year 's birthday theme would be " Thirty - One Is The New Twenty - One " and in this spirit , we reenacted her twenty first birthday with a trip to a local event known as " Wine In The Woods " . Now , I don 't drink and my honey is more of a beer drinker , but since it was her birthday and my honey was already gaining experience as a goodwill ambassador , we paid the fee for one designated driver and one wine taster and in we went . We hadn 't eaten breakfast before rushing off to yard sale with my mother , so the first thing we did once inside the " woods " was hunt down a food vendor for some barbecue . BBQ sandwiches in hand we strolled through the crowds looking for the friendamily . Within ten minutes , in fact before we even located my friendamily among the sea of thousands of smiling , glassy eyed faces , one of us was already hurting . It was me , of course ! Leave it to me to be the only sober person in the park to stumble and fall because of a pothole in the dirt walking path . My honey was walking directly in front of me . Hundreds of people were walking directly in front of him . Nobody else had any trouble negotiating the dirt path , but me , the SOBER girl ! The pothole was about six inches in diameter and maybe three or four inches deep , but I couldn 't see it because of the thick crowd meandering along the path . I stepped right into it and went down like a ton of bricks ! Man , this sounds familiar ! Oh , wait . I did something similar just a few months ago when I broke my right ankle . Luckily , this time it was my left foot and I was wearing tennis shoes , so I didn 't break anything . Thank God for the last second impulse I had to change my shoes between the yard sale and the wine tasting ! But , I couldn 't stroll from tent to tent with my friends while they tasted various wines or visit the craft fair in the middle of the park because walking more than twenty feet just wasn 't an option . In short , the rest of my day was pretty much trashed after I fell . Funnily enough , after two minutes of browbeating from my friends to leave me on the blankets in the shade and two hours of strolling around in search of a bottle of the wine he had enjoyed , my honey was also trashed . So now I was hurting and he was feeling no pain . My honey is a happy drunk , but even a happy drunk can be obnoxious when you 're not feeling very happy yourself . Upon returning to our home base , my honey was happily intoxicated and telling me that if he could have fallen in my place , he would have . It was sweet the first time he said it . By the forty or fiftieth time he said it , it wasn 't sweet anymore . It was really annoying . I know you are reading this and cringing right now , my love . No worries . I still love you even when you are intoxicated and repeating yourself over and over and over again . Eventually , it was time for the merriment and imbibing to stop . This is where the real trouble began . The parking lot and my car were a good half mile from the wine tasting pavillions . I was in no shape to walk that far . My honey was in no shape to aid me in walking that far , though he certainly tried . We started out walking arm in arm , but as we began going downhill towards the parking lot , gravity seemed to speed up my honey 's steps til he was pulling me along . Afraid he was going to pull me forward and cause another fall , I let go of his arm and started walking unaided . We caught a very brief ride with the handicapped shuttle ( which stopped twenty yards short of the parking lot , WTF ? ! ) and then I bit my lip and dug my fingernails into my palms as I walked the last five hundred yards to the car unassisted . I drove us home ( Again , thank goodness it was my left foot and not my right ! ) , got him dinner , and then watched him pass out on the couch before eating a single bite . Thankfully , this brought Saturday to a close . Sunday started with my honey telling me that the room was spinning and his head hurt . Shocker ! I wasn 't surprised after all that wine . I got him some Advil and a cup of water before getting ready for church . I drove over to my mother 's house to pick her up for church and she was bubbling over with excitement about how much stuff she had gotten rid of and how much money we had made at the yard sale the day before . She inspected my foot and proclaimed nothing was broken , though Doctor Mom quickly announced that I was going to have the mother of all bruises in a day or two . She was right ! My foot is black and blue now . Now for the really good news : We must have impressed Mom with our yard sale efforts because she announced after church that I should go home and get my honey because she had made a pot roast for Sunday dinner . Pot roast is one of my all - time favorite Mom meals . If she 's making my favorites again , that can only be a good sign for her getting over her earlier displeasure with us . Don 't you agree ? ! ? ! What ? Well , who asked you , anyway ? Oh wait , I did . We survived Mother 's Day ! My honey won the battle over who would be cooking by being the first to get out of bed that day . Can you really call a thirty second conversation a battle ? We 're still so in the honeymoon stage that neither of us raised an eyebrow , let alone a voice at the other . I was okay with that because I was such a shrew the day before that I figured if he wanted to cook , then I should let him do whatever he wanted . I got to make the salad , set the table , and serve dinner , so we had a nice division of labor going for us . My honey even excused my cleaning frenzy craziness , saying that I was stressed out and that it was okay that I vented a little in his direction . I still don 't think my behavior was okay , but if he 's willing to forgive , then I am willing to forget . He was such a good sport about my stressed out craziness . So now he 's seen me pretty much at my worst and he 's still here . . . yay ! ! ! This week was fairly eventful . I had to house sit / dog sit for my mother while she was out of town overnight on a business trip , which meant that my honey got to spend his first night home alone at the townhouse . We texted back and forth before bedtime , like we used to do before we lived together . Then , I texted him an hour later when I couldn 't get to sleep . A few weeks ago , when he was out of town on vacation and / or babysitting over at the Mynd 's house and I couldn 't get to sleep , I would watch the Western Conference hockey playoff games to get to sleep . At the time , he thought he 'd created a hockey fiend , but really I was watching the games because it made me feel closer to him since he 's such a huge hockey fan . I had to resort to watching the L . A . Kings decimate the Phoenix Coyotes to get to sleep while house sitting for my mom , too . I even caught myself rolling over in the middle of the night and reaching for my honey , something my mother 's dog did not appreciate , as I grabbed her at three a . m . instead . It was only a night away from home , but we were both exhausted the next day . Apparently , despite sleeping solo for the better part of thirty plus years each , neither of us can get a good night 's sleep without the other being there anymore . Weird , huh ? We caught up on our sleep the next evening before life started getting eventful again . My honey 's best friend , whom we normally dine with about once a week , got some bad news from back home that his mother had passed away . His mother had been in failing health for months and he had visited her about three weeks ago when her caregivers warned him that the end was nigh , so this wasn 't an unexpected event . But losing a parent , even when you know it 's coming , is never easy . My honey rushed out to be with his friend ( they were already planning to have dinner together , but he left early so they could have more time to talk ) and I went over to my mother 's house to have dinner before going to choir practice . I chose that evening to tell my mother about the fact that my honey and I were moving in together . Maybe not the wisest course of action on my part , huh ? I 'm sure you are wondering how she could possibly have not known about this life event , especially considering you 've known about it for weeks and weeks . Well , the answer is simple . My mom doesn 't know that I write a blog and I hadn 't shared too many relationship highlights with her lately . Believe it or not , I am pretty close to my mom . My best friend once told me that my mother was really my best friend and my BFF just ran a close second . I usually tell my mom everything . In this situation , I didn 't tell her much of anything for a couple of reasons . First , it 's not the world 's most comfortable conversation to tell your Catholic mother that you are engaging in pre - marital sex . Second , telling Mom that my honey was spending the night regularly and getting comfy in my home wouldn 't exactly have been good dinner conversation with my brother , sister - in - law , and four year old nephew also at the table . Third , telling the woman who moved straight from her parents ' house to her wedded home that my significant other was moving in , despite the fact that there was no engagement ring on my left ring finger , wasn 't going to be a happy conversation . So , I procrastinated in tell her . Can you blame me ? I probably would have procrastinated even longer , except for the fact that my honey was bothered by the fact that I was keeping our moving in together a secret from her . He 'd been encouraging me to tell her for quite a while and it needed to get done . I know that . The sheer number of people who knew about our moving adventures meant that I was living on borrowed time to tell her myself before she bumped into someone who would inadvertantly informed her about my living situation by asking how the move was going . This week , I put on my big girl panties and told her . By the way , I was right . It wasn 't a very happy conversation . She isn 't happy with me right now on many levels . First , she asked how I knew we would be compatible living together and I , like an idiot , answered her . Thus , I confirmed her fears about pre - marital sex and her suspicions that my honey had been spending a lot of nights here . Then , she asked about the impending move of my honey 's parents . Early on , I 'd been told by a friend that my honey 's parents were moving back to their home state of Indiana and he was getting their town house when they went . Long story short , they aren 't moving anytime soon and if they ever do move they will be selling their home . The ' no move ' revelation brought on the wrath of the ignored mother , who 'd been only too willing to be flexible on Mother 's Day and at other times because she thought she would only have to deal with sharing us with the in - laws for a few months at most . Upon hearing that my honey 's parents weren 't going anywhere , she promptly told me what she thought about all that flexibility she 'd been showing . She doesn 't like having to share me with another family . She doesn 't like not getting to see me daily and wondering when she will see me next . In short , she 's having some separation anxiety . That 's where we stand right now . My mother isn 't very happy with my recent life choices . My honey got an extra dose of stress , when he really didn 't need another person to worry about , as I came home all freaked out after receiving maternal disapproval for the first time in my life . And we still had a busy weekend of family and friend events ahead of us , but that 's a story for a later blog . This weekend , I am a crazy lady . I can 't help it and I did it to myself . While broaching the topic of Mother 's Day with my honey to find out if we were going to be doing the Mom thing separately or together , together being his preference , I unintentionally set myself up for a massive meltdown . He wanted to do Mother 's Day with his mom on Saturday , but she was booked by his siblings . My mom was willing to bend to whatever the schedule needed to be , wasn 't that accomodating of her ? I suggested lunch on Sunday . He didn 't want to go out as every nice restaurant on the planet would be a mad house and we couldn 't very well ask his mom to cook her own lunch , now could we ? So , without any forethought to the consequences of what I was about to suggest , I suggested we have his parents over to our place for lunch . What the hell was I thinking ? His parents have never been to my place before . We are in the middle of moving in together . There 's stuff everywhere ! Plus , I was not the world 's greatest housekeeper before he and all his stuff arrived , so the house was already in desperate need of a spring cleaning . I don 't want their first impression of my home to be that it needs to be cleaned and decluttered and what is their son getting himself into with this messy woman ! The next day , I managed to shoot myself in the foot again by talking to my honey when I wasn 't quite awake . We were laying in bed , discussing where to watch Saturday 's hockey game , and my honey was lamenting my living room TV because it 's an old tube screen TV that 's gotten a little blurry with age and is nowhere near as big as his massive big screen . He can 't see the puck on my TV . The score is so small and blurry that he had to use his phone to check the score of last night 's baseball game when he turned it on . Et cetera , et cetera , et cetera . Again with no forethought and no conscious brain activity looking out for me and my best interests , I sleepily mumbled that we should bring his big screen over to the house ( in reckless violation of the June 8th agreement ) and set it up on top of my entertainment center until we could get a new entertainment center to hold it . He said that would be great and he was sure his parents wouldn 't think we were being rednecks by having a TV on top of a TV . It took forty minutes of negotiations / arguing to retract the statement . My honey had realized he could get a rise out of me by playing around with the TV on top of the TV thing and kept insisting he was going to bring it over . Even as he left for work , he was still saying how excited he was that the big screen was coming over , completely ignoring my repeated cries that NO , it was not coming over . I even texted him another NO after he left for work . He thought it was hysterical that I was getting so worked up about the house not looking perfect when his parents came over . Little did he know that he was only seeing the tip of the crazy lady iceberg . This morning began too early . It 's Saturday and Saturdays are supposed to be for sleeping late to catch up on all the rest you missed out on during the week . But , not this Saturday , not for me because his parents will be in my home tomorrow and I hadn 't had any time at all to even think about cleaning the house . I set an alarm for six a . m . because in addition to needing to clean the house top to bottom and go to the grocery store to refill my empty fridge with Mother 's Day lunch items , I had to get my emissions test done on my car . This is the last weekend before the deadline and I had even told my honey to remind me that I had to get it done first thing this morning . I woke five minutes before the alarm was set to go off and laid in bed thinking I 'd get up as soon as the alarm went off . Well , the alarm didn 't go off and I slept in til eight when my honey rolled over and reminded me that I wanted to get to the emissions place early . Epic fail on the alarm clock ! Maybe it knew I was really tired and needed more sleep . Maybe the alarm clock was looking out for me today , since I 'm not doing such a hot job of it myself . I blew off the emissions testing after my honey read the reminder notice and saw that they had evening hours on Tuesday and Wednesday . Time to start cleaning the house ! I started upstairs and my honey went down to tidy up the living room . Immediately , we had a problem . My honey hasn 't lived here that long and he didn 't know where to put anything away . He knows where to go to find food , to take a shower , to watch TV , and to go to sleep . Other than that , he doesn 't have a clue where I keep things . " Honey , where 's the vacuum ? " " Honey , where do you want me to put this ? " In trying to help , my honey was driving me nuts and because we each had our own ideas about the order in which things needed to be cleaned , I was ending up going behind him and redoing everything he had done . My autocorrecting his cleaning made him nuts . This wasn 't working . In an attempt to get things back on track and avoid the fight that was starting to brew , I asked my honey to get the garbage from all the bedrooms and bathrooms and when I came down to find two full trash bags I sent him to the dump . I love my honey , but I don 't know if I can have him in the house while I 'm cleaning . While he was gone , I cleaned and mopped two bathrooms , the kitchen , and the front foyer . When he got back , I announced that the wet kitchen floor made this the perfect time to go to the grocery store . This was a great idea because it was our first trip to the grocery store where we were getting food to cook a meal together in our home . My honey got a real kick out of the domesticity of it all . Who knew grocery shopping could save the day ? Back at the house , we took a break for lunch . I looked around my messy living room and dining room and began to freak out about the ton of cleaning still left to do . My honey said we would get it all done in no time . Only if we meant me cleaning and him watching sports on TV , my head screamed . I had a little meltdown , right then and there . My honey rubbed my back and shoulders and hugged me , trying to get me to calm down . He was being so sweet and I was feeling like such a bitch for not wanting his help , but I had to say something to him . I told him the only help I wanted from him was for him to stay out of whatever room I was cleaning at the time . He looked at me like I was nuts . I probably hurt his feelings . No , I definitely hurt his feelings . But , I needed to tell him that the best thing he could do was to get out of my way and let me get this done . He looked a little chagrined , but being a smart man , he let me have my way . Sort of . He insisted on tidying up some of the boxes of his stuff in the home office . Since I was done cleaning in that room , I was okay with that . He left me alone for about an hour before asking if there was anything he could do to help . I sent him out to the deck to sweep off the " helicopters " and other gifts from my neighbors ' trees . While he was out there , I finished cleaning the dining room . I took a break from cleaning when he came back in and went to the kitchen to make the dessert for the Mother 's Day lunch . Shortly there after , I discovered that my rarely used kitchen was missing a whisk which I would need to make the dessert . " Honey , would you like to help me ? Run to the store and get me a whisk , please . " Perfect ! I finished cleaning the rest of the house while he was out looking for the whisk . I even asked for a specific brand of kitchen utensil , which slowed him down some . Whisks he could find , but the OXO brand whisk proved to be elusive . Now the house is clean , the dessert is ready for tomorrow 's lunch , and all I have left to do is cook the pot roast tomorrow morning . My honey is already making noises about how he will be doing the cooking , but says he might let me help . If he lets me help the same way that I let him help me today , I have a feeling I will be banned from my own kitchen tomorrow morning . We 've hit a new stage in our relationship . My , they seem to be coming fast and furious now , don 't they ? It started out as a night here or there . Then , it was all weekend and now it 's progressed to every night . My honey is always at my place now . In fact , he now has his own key to the house . We were briefly separated recently due to his vacation plans and the Mynd 's taking a long weekend trip out of town for a family wedding . The Mynd 's have three children ; two teenage boys and a second grade princess . We had each , separately , agreed to help watch their kids before we started dating . My honey had agreed to stay at the Mynd 's to watch the teenagers . I had agreed to watch the princess at my place for a boy - free weekend of girliness . All of this was scheduled and arranged in January , months before our first date would take place . Even though ' he ' and ' I ' are now a ' we ' , my honey thought it was a bad idea to stay at the Mynd 's together to watch the kids . Something about unmarried people sharing a bed and scarring young mynds for life . So , there would be a boy house and a girl house for the duration of the long weekend . I say we were apart , but we got the kids together as often as possible over the weekend . It would have been cruel to keep us the kids apart for five whole days . We took the kids out to eat , took the kids to see the new claymation Pirate movie , watched hockey games with the kids on the Mynd 's hi - def , big screen TV , and took the kids to church together . He took them to the service at their church , I went to mass at my church . By the end of the weekend , my honey had decided that three kids was too many and he definitely didn 't want to have more than two . The teenage Mynds are a little older than this , but the princess from this picture definitely works . I 'm pretty sure his trip to and from church alone with all three kids in his car helped him reach the two child max decision . When I caught up with them after mass , he looked flushed , beleaguered , and was mouthing to me , " Please , take one of them ! I don 't care which one , just take one . " I took the princess , who also looked like she desperately needed a break from her brothers . Apparently , " I 'm Not Touching You " was a game played diligently during the ride to and from church . In spite of this , we somehow survived our extended weekend of quasi - parenthood and we even found time to nap together on the couch while the princess cleaned her room and the boys played on the gaming console of their choice . A few days later , we took the conversation a step further . My honey gets home from work earlier than I normally do . Since he 's been staying with me so much , I 've been cutting out of work earlier than normal in order to get to the house before him . But , last Wednesday was a long day for me at work . I had a mandatory training til after 5 pm , which wasn 't going to work with the whole rushing home to open the house for my honey thing I 'd been doing . He 's normally off work by four and home by quarter of five . We talked about ways to solve this problem . He said he could go to his place and hang out for an hour . I thought that was silly since he hasn 't done that in ages . I offered to leave him my key so he could let himself in when he got to the house . He said that wouldn 't work since I leave for work after him and would need the key to lock up the house . Nothing I suggested was acceptable to him . Then , I looked at him and realized what he was angling towards . My honey was ready for a key to the house ! This is not the first time this key situation has occurred . There have been times where he was off work and I wasn 't , times where I left for church and he waited at the house for me to come back . I left him the key on those occassions because I felt bad that he couldn 't leave the house due to his keyless status . I even told him to take the key and get a copy made while he was off work so that he could come and go as he pleased . He refused , saying that getting a copy of the key was something we should do together . Now , by refusing to accept any alternative solution to the problem , I realized he wanted a house key . Big step , huh ? When I suggested we go to the hardware store and get a key made for him , he lit up like a Christmas tree . He grabbed his keys and suggested we go immediately . Yup , that 's what he was aiming for with all that nay - saying of other ways to handle the situation . So , off to the hardware store we went and together we had a key made for him . We also had a copy made for Mrs . Mynd in the event that I ever fall out of a canoe again and need her to come to the rescue with dry clothes . The key was apparently a starting gun for moving in together , something we have been talking about doing , but that I wanted to hold off on until after school let out . Once my honey had a key to the casa , stacks of DVDs showed up in my living room , tons more clothing arrived in the bedroom , and a box of hockey paraphenalia showed up in my home office . There has even been talk of his big screen TV ( which won 't fit in my current entertainment center ) and his gaming system making the journey to the house . I put the kibosh on that one temporarily . Holy moly , that 's a lot of DVDs . I owned plenty on my own , but now there have to be like 500 DVDs in the house . I can organize and store DVDs ( as seen above ) and clothes on the fly when the situation calls for it . The box of hockey stuff can hide in the office til I 'm ready to help him figure out where it will go on permanent display . I draw the line at moving furntiure ( extremely large and heavy furniture ) before school lets out . We said not til June 8th and I 'm holding him to that deal . I 'm betting the TV and entertainment center are here before then , though . He 'll wear me down , I just know he will . How else can the hockey bobbleheads lining my mantle right now be explained ? Three months ago , I couldn 't have told you who most of these players were and now they live on my mantle . Don 't the eyes seem to follow you ? Creepy ! |
Leave a reply Bumpy and Hush had been close friends since High School . They were sort of outcasts to the rest of the school because of their appearance , so they gradually transitioned into loners . Bumpy got his name because of the inexorable amount of acne that was plastered on both of his cheeks and his forehead . It was a bizarre sight to look at , and you were bound to lose your appetite if he sat near you at the lunch table . Hush was a step up from him appearance wise , though . He had Alopecia Areata , and because of that , he wasn 't able to grow any facial hair . The spot where his eyebrows were meant to be were completely bald , and he didn 't have an ounce of hair above his lip like most of the other boys in our grade . But that wasn 't it ; the reason everybody called him , " Hush , " was because he wasn 't able to bring his voice above a whisper . Nobody why he spoke with such a low volume and as far as we could tell , it wasn 't due to another medical condition . It was just that he hated talking too loud . I watched them from a distance , and they always kept to themselves and accepted the fact that they were outcasts . In my opinion , between the two of them , Bumpy had the hardest time with it . He was much more of an extrovert than his counterpart , but Hush ? He had no complaints about it at all . It fit his demeanor entirely . Quiet . Sneaky . Always thinking . I would 've given a week 's worth of lunch food to know what was going through his mind , but by the way he looked at everyone , it didn 't seem like it was anything that could 've been spoken out loud . His glare , the way his cheekbones gyrated whenever somebody disrespected him . He just had an eerie vibe about him ; a reclusive personality mixed with a short temper and that was never a good combination . It was blatantly clear that he was headed for a life of crime . Sometimes , that life has a way of choosing you , no matter what your will is . I glanced down at the murder scene ; one man was beaten senseless to the point that he was hardly recognizable . His face was smashed in and bloodied ; cheekbones were broken as well as every other bone that would have kept his countenance in place . His fingers were chopped off , making it much more challenging to identify the victim . This was all at the hands of Hush , and I knew it , even though there was no evidence pointing to him , I knew his calling card . Once he wanted to get rid of you , his aim was to get rid of you and make it seem as if you never existed . That way , whenever we were fortunate enough to find a body , there was nearly no way to identify who he was for sure . He even went as far as knocking each and every last one of his victim 's teeth out to keep us from checking it against dental records . I took a puff of my cigarette and blew the smoke into the night air . It fluttered around us like a cloud before it disappeared , " Yeah . No doubt about it . " " Sheesh . This is the third body we have found like this in the past two weeks . I 'll tell you what , we better find something here , or else , heads in the department will start rolling . After that , it will be better if one of us are one of these dead men that are popping up around the city . " He tapped me on my shoulder and then stood up to walk back towards the other police officers . I blew another cloud of smoke into the air as I looked up to the sky . Damnit , Hush - I said to myself - what are you up to now ? I hope you all have been enjoying the short stories that I have been posting . I started out doing them once a week , but as my Ghostwriting career took off , I began to find it more difficult to continue writing weekly stories in addition to the other contracts that I picked up . However , another project that has taken up a lot of my time is my upcoming novel , " Strange Fruit in the Concrete Jungle . " Oh , you didn 't know that I was writing a novel ? Well , let me fill you in on the plot ! Ehhis is young man who moves from a small , racist town in Idlewild , Texas to Harlem , NY in 1921 . He has aspirations of presenting an unheard of form of art to the citizens of Harlem , Spoken - Word . But his dreams of becoming an entertainer are quickly interrupted when he witnesses a murder within the first few months of his move to Harlem . Against the advice of one of his good friends , he speaks to the police and is prepared to testify in court . If he testifies against the killer , it will expose a string of corrupt cops and city officials and their ties to a viscous , black crime mob terrorizing Harlem . The powers that be are not prepared to let that happen so they seek to handle it the best way they can ; eliminate Ehhis . Not knowing who to trust and where to go , Ehhis becomes a target of one of the most dangerous crime families in Harlem as he stubbornly continues pursuing his dreams as an entertainer . In a narrative that captures the essence of 1920 's Harlem with breathtaking descriptions and painstaking imagery of the Renaissance , it will make you feel as if you are right there with the characters . Journey with Ehhis through his triumphs and downfalls in this epic story of ambition and determination . It will leave you speechless and inspire you to always keep going , no matter what is ahead of you . There are a couple of snippets of the book inside of this blog and if you want to check them out , just look for the book the cover when you scroll through my blog posts . I have enjoyed every moment of this process , from starting out in three notebooks ( Yes , I wrote the ENTIRE first draft of the novel by hand and it is over 111k words ) , transferring it to the computer , creating in - depth characters and studying the time period so I would be sure to have everything close to how it really was in the 1920 's . I have even written a movie script to go along with the novel ! I have put a lot of time and effort into this project and I am thoroughly excited about its release ! I am currently on my third edit of the book and it is going well , but I am reaching the point that I realize I cannot do it all on my own . Check out the page and see what is going on with this ground - breaking novel that captures the essence of the renaissance ! Thank you in advance ! Peace . I looked in the rearview mirror to get a better look at my son . His light brown eyes illuminated as the sun beamed down onto his mahogany complexion . He sat in his car seat , his feet dangling halfway to the floor . It was almost time for him to sit on the regular seat like the big kids but he still had a few more months to go , and I didn 't want to rush it . If I could have it my way , he would stay the same age for as long as I could keep him there like Peter Pan . " It takes more than seeing over the steering wheel to know how to drive . You 'll get there , trust me . Just enjoy the ride for now . " He sighed and glanced out the window as I smiled to myself . He was a splitting image of me when I was his age . My mother would sit down and show pictures of me in my younger days , and if I didn 't know any better , I would 've sworn that the boy in the picture was the same kid in the car seat behind me . Just as I was about to speak to him again , the phone buzzed in my lap . I immediately became disgruntled when I saw the name flash across the face of my screen . My ex - wife barely gave me any breathing room whenever I had my son . My visitation rights were cut down because of my job . Being a police officer took up the majority of my time , and it was mainly the reason why she felt she needed a divorce . Her insecurities built up over time and for the longest , she just felt like there was another woman . Somebody , I was cheating on her with and she was partially right . It wasn 't a physical act that was brewing but more of an emotional one . She checked out of the marriage , and it forced me to fill the voids in other ways . In my mind , physically cheating was worse than doing so emotionally , so I chose the lesser of two evils . In retrospect , emotional adultery was worse , and once those doors opened , there was no way to close them . I read her text when I came to a stop light . " Look . This is my time with my boy , aight ? You can interrogate him later on about the other bs , but right now , I am busy . " The light turned green as I set the phone in my lap and pulled off . I looked back at A . J . as he picked up one of his toy cars and drove it across his lap . In his other hand , he made another car crash into it . " Boom ! " he said as he banged the cars into each other repeatedly . Just then , the phone buzzed in my lap again . I tried to do things to get my mind off the fact that Lauren seemingly harassed me anytime I had A . J . with me . She had the ability to send me from one to one - hundred in record time at any given moment . I looked straight ahead , doing everything in my power not to look at her text but I couldn 't resist . If it was something disrespectful , I had to fire back . I couldn 't let it sit and wait until later because then ; she would feel like she won whatever childish dispute was going on between us . The road was clear ahead of me , so I reached down and grabbed the phone as my son kept replaying the same accident over and over . " Interrogate him ? You should be the one interrogated for posing as a man ! You 're not a man ! A . J . will be ashamed once he knows who his father really is ! " She sent a cold chill down my spine . She knew what buttons to press to piss me off . My son kept playing with his cars in the back seat , yelling out " Boom ! " every few seconds as I drove . I looked up to make sure the road was clear and with that , I put one thumb on the screen and began firing off my response . " Boom ! Boom ! " Just after I pressed send , I looked up , but it was too late . An SUV was coming at us full speed on the same side that my son was seated . My mouth dropped open , and before I could say a word , the truck smacked into the side of our car and flipped us over like a tumbleweed blowing in the wind . When we came to a stop , our car was flipped over on the hood as blood trickled down from my forehead and onto the ceiling which was now the floor . I called out to him in a faint voice , struggling to hold onto my consciousness . I slowly turned my head back to him as he was suspended in the air and the only thing that was keeping him from hitting the bottom were the straps of his car seat . His side of the car was caved in as blood dripped from his head . The window beside him had completely shattered , and as I reached back to him , I finally lost consciousness . I looked up at her as she stood at my table with a pen and a pad of paper in her hand . She was young and attractive . She seemed like she was either a single parent reaching to make ends meet or a College student doing what she had to so that she could keep some money in her pocket . Her hair was tied up in a ponytail , and there were a few loose strands that fell over her forehead . She pushed them to the side as she smiled , waiting for me to order . She turned and walked away . She could have been just trying to let me down easily because she didn 't have to add to her reason but at this point in my life , I didn 't care . The rejection wasn 't something I was afraid of . There was either going to be a yes or a no and either way ; I would live with it . My son , though ? He wouldn 't have that chance and even though the accident happened five years ago , my mind still replayed it like it was something that just occurred . I leaned back as the patrons continued to flood into the restaurant . It was more of a bar than anything else , but there was an area where you could sit and dine and across the room , there were a wet bar and a dancefloor for those who wanted to cut a rug . The atmosphere around me was a bit cloudy , but I didn 't mind . It added to the peculiarity of my personality . Unclear . Foggy . Ambiguous . Enigmatic . I reveled when people used those words to describe me . It meant that I came off to them exactly how I wanted to . After my son 's death , I developed tunnel vision . The psychiatrists I was referred to stated that the path I was headed down was unhealthy . " Mr . Eddison , you are powering straight towards a profound and dark depression . You cannot keep shutting people out and holding onto the bitterness that lives inside of you . It is going to make you rotten from the inside out and cut your life in half . " I sat up on the awkward couch that I was forced to lie on , " The more I let people in , the more bitter I become and by the way things are going in this world , it would be better to be dead than deal with the nuances of this life . I 'm fine where I am and quite frankly , Dr . Slowerwizt - " he interrupted me , " Whatever . You are wasting your time with me . You could be using this slot to help someone who wants your help than to be with me and continue to allow me to patronize you and your profession . I have been sending barbs at you all day , but I guess you can 't catch on to my sarcasm . Common sense is not something they teach you . You have to be born with it . " The sessions never went well , and finally , my lieutenant let me off the hook so I could do my job . I went from a regular patrol officer to a detective in eight years on the force . I loved my job , and it was only because I could get lost in it and forget about the things that were happening in my life . My wife made the divorce final just one year after my son 's death . Soon after that , she packed up and moved across the country to California . I blamed her for his death , but it wasn 't her fault . It wasn 't her fault at all ; I just couldn 't find the strength to shoulder the blame on my own . I am a man , but I have my flaws , and that was one of them . I could face anything in life except going to the grave and apologizing to my son for ending his life well before it should have . I sighed and took my hat off just as the pretty waitress brought my food to the table . She smiled and walked away as she switched back and forth . She made her case , but now , I just thought she was working for a bigger tip . Life had made my cynical even though most would say that it was one of the effects of bitterness . To hell with them all . I popped the napkin open and stretched it across my lap and no sooner , he walked in . I put my hat back on to cover my eye sight as I watched him walk to his table . A pretty boy . Tall , chocolate and deep , wavy hair that most men would kill to have . He wore a fitted shirt that showed off his physique as two women draped on each side of him . He was a player and women knew that . They knew it , but when you have looks and money , none of that matters . Most women will put up with your flaws when you have it made like that and the more money you have , the more they will put up with . It was like clockwork . He was the guy , though . He was the one that the agency had their eye on . He had a slew of women at his disposal and periodically , a few would come up missing with him being the last person they were with . None of us could get a hook into him , though . The women that were with him kept their mouths shut at all costs . It was like trying to pry open the mouth of a hungry alligator while his dinner was locked inside . Nothing was coming out . I watched him walk over to his VIP booth that overlooked the first floor of the restaurant . His haughty gaze brushed over the patrons below him as if we were all his peasants and he was the king of the city . In his mind , he was , but that was far from the truth . This was my city and the only people that didn 't know it was the ones that hadn 't been crushed by my hands . I took a sip of wine just as he looked in my direction . Right now , he was a man that was seemingly able to side - step the grim reaper , but I had my sights on him , and he knew it . He puckered his lips at me and then smiled . Taunting . It wasn 't too long ago that I was at his house asking him questions about the last missing woman . Just behind him , another female stood with her arms folded over her chest , pushing her breasts up on top of her arms . He turned around to see where my eyes were fixated , His smile immediately wiped away and from that point , he refused to answer anything without his lawyer present . We didn 't have concrete evidence about anything so we couldn 't go any further . Ever since then , three more girls had come up missing , and all were with the same MO . From that point on , he had become the only light in my tunnel vision . I took a bite of salmon , and before I knew it , the same woman that stood behind him at his house stood in front of me . She licked her lips and took it upon herself to pull a chair out , " I hope you don 't mind if I join you . " She said it in a way that said she would be shocked if I said that I did mind . I was torn on the decision myself . She was easy on the eyes , full bodied and pretty . Not movie star pretty , but she was pretty . " For me ? I mean , listen , he sent me down here to extend the offer . I will look like a failure if I can 't do something as small as bringing you back with me . I mean , " she leaned forward , " WE , would appreciate it if you came with us . " I couldn 't avoid what she was flaunting . It was a weakness of mine that I spent time after time praying to God for forgiveness about . I hadn 't visited a church in months , and that wasn 't the main reason that I gave in , but it had a lot to do with it . I took another bite as she pleaded with me earnestly and after she had batted her eyes a few times , her long eyelashes fluttering like butterfly wings , I gave in . It wasn 't because of her pleading ; it was more so that I wanted another shot at Mike . He was too comfortable , and I hated that . I hated that more than anything else . Upstairs , the suite was decked out . Champaign on every table , the lights were low , women scantily clad . If I were in my younger days , I would 've indulged myself but I was much older now and besides that , it just wasn 't my thing anymore . I couldn 't care less about getting drunk and reckless . Mike extended has hand to me when I made it up there , " Detective Rawlons . Good to see you again . " I shook his hand firmly , my lips tight , jawbones gyrating inside my mouth . " What is this about ? " He laughed , " Oh , come on , Detective . I thought we would be on good terms now . I mean , after all , you guys did come back with a search warrant and the whole nine , but you guys couldn 't find anything . Now , " he leaned towards me , " You guys did trash a few wings of my home but hey , those were materialistic things . They can be replaced and have been , but I 'm willing to let bygones be bygones here . I mean , I 'm even the one inviting you up here with me . I 've buried the hatchet , and I think we can have a good relationship . " He put his arm around me , but I swiftly smacked it off . " I am not your friend , nor will I ever be . You understand that now and there won 't be any need for you to invite me up next time . You still have the stench of kidnapped bodies and missing women on you , and if it is the last thing I do , I will sniff it out . " Mike glared at me and for a moment , I believed he was going to swing at me . I wanted him to . I was looking for a reason to put my fist to his jaw and send him crashing to the ground . He was a few inches taller than me and as he peered in my direction , nostrils flaring , he decided against it and suddenly , a smile appeared across his face . I was disappointed that he didn 't take his shot . " Well , Detective , you are going to have a long road ahead of you , following a scent that is not even there . " I squinted my eyes and looked around the room at the women that perused the VIP area . Some walked around gauntly while others were smiling as if they were just happy to be around . I made eye contact with her . She sucked on her cigarette and blew the smoke out , then quickly turned away from me . I knew who she was because I never forget a face . I turned to Mike , " Thanks for bringing me up . I 'm sure we will bump heads later . " He laughed , " Alright , Detective . You can keep chasing ghosts and pass up on all these beautiful women . I 'll tell you what , though , I will not make another offer for you to leave the slums and dine with a king . " I stopped in my tracks as I walked away from him , wanting to turn back around and empty my clip into his chest . He continued , " And if I catch you on my property again , harassing me with that nonsense , you will regret it . I will make sure of it . " I took the cigar out of my pocket and relit it , leaving a cloud of smoke behind me as I left the VIP room . My home was in shambles . I hadn 't cleaned in over a month , but I didn 't see a need to . I was barely home , and things seemed to be easier to find whenever I didn 't put them up somewhere . I grabbed a cup of room temperature water from the table and took a few swallows of it . Only God knew how long it had been there , but I didn 't care . It wasn 't a time for me to be picky about it . I pulled out my phone and flipped through the contact list until I got to his name . " Listen , Breeze , I hear you . I hear you loud and clear , but it is not about what we know , it is what we can prove . We can 't take some hair - brained case to the prosecution . She will laugh us out of the office , and I know she will tell Lieutenant Branderson . You know she will . " " Listen , man , I 'm sorry , alright ? I 'm sorry , and you know I usually have your back on these things . I had it when nobody else did . I 'm the one that went to his house with you when we didn 't even have a warrant , but enough is enough . If he is guilty , it 'll show . We just have to wait . " There was a brief silence between us . I knew he had already made his line in the sand , and he wasn 't going to cross it , so it would be up to me to find those girls . I don 't know why it drove me to this point , but if I had to guess , it was because I know what a missing child can do to a family . I 'd seen first - hand how A . J . 's death ripped whatever strands were left of my marriage apart . Not only my marriage but my reclusiveness had even driven me away from my family . Instead of pulling everyone close together , it pushed me away . As the silence lingered between us like a thick , morning fog , I hung up my phone and placed it on the crowded table . What did I have to lose , I thought to myself as I picked up the glass of water and took another swallow . The warm water slid down my throat like backwash as I looked around my apartment . Nothing was hanging on the wall except a picture of A . J . , his broad smile jetted across his face , exposing the missing front tooth that had fallen out just days before he was set to take his school pictures . " It 's alright , man , the little girls will love your smile . Just tell them you got into a fight and they won 't think twice of it . " I remembered giving him that little pep talk the day before he was set to take the pictures . I walked up to it and removed it from the glass so I could fold it and shove it into my pocket . I wanted to make sure I had it with me because , for some reason , I knew I wasn 't going to be home . Not for a while . Leave a reply The sun beamed down on them as they sat outside on the outskirts of a park in New York City . It was the place that people came to find good chess competition . He emptied the pieces out of his brown paper bag as they slid onto the table and banged into one another . He set each piece up carefully , first the King and Queen , then the Bishops , the Knights , the Rooks and finally the Pawns . When he placed the clock on the side of the table , she walked up to him and took a seat . He looked at her with a haughty smirk as she glared down at the chessboard . She wore jeans and a black , sleeveless shirt with a small bag strapped over her shoulder . Her smile was alluring and had been the downfall of many men before her . Her lips were full like moons at the winter solstice . Her eyes were barely visible behind her dark shades while her brown skin was as smooth as soft , chocolate ice cream . The man shook his head , " Are you lost , little lady ? " She didn 't pay attention to his sarcasm as she nodded to the clock , " Whenever you 're ready . " He was a shark , one of the best players that this park had seen in quite some time , but she was by no means intimidated by his reputation . She enjoyed the strategy of the game just as much as anybody else . The way everything is set up to attack the king slowly or quickly with tactical means . She went in for the kill if it was there every time . She hardly ever waited because patience wasn 't her strong suit . If she had to , she would wait for the kill but for the most part , she wanted to pounce as soon as her opponent made his mistake . This was her life but to him , it was just a game , and that is where he made the mistake . He extended his hand and with that , she picked up her first piece and slapped the clock . Pawn , E4 . Pawn , D4 . Pawn , C3 . She was playing a gambit , and he fell right into it . Moments later , his fallacious smirk slowly began to fade as she pushed him into taking pieces so that she could get into a better attacking position . A small crowd started to gather as he looked at her . She folded her arms just under her chest as her breasts sat perfectly on top of her forearms . She was built like a model , and every man knew it . Most times , they were caught off guard when she showed what she could do , and that 's what she loved the most . Words she lived by . During each of his moves , she shifted her head slightly to the right , picking up on every sound the piece made when it came in contact with the board . She was a student of the game . When she was younger , her father blindfolded her and made her play games against him . " Focus on the sound of the board . You have to learn how to see your opponent 's moves before they do . You have to see the whole board in your mind before you can take apart your adversary . Always remain two steps ahead of them . " It wasn 't the same since he passed away and even thought she was responsible for it , she had good reason to do it . Things changed a lot as she grew up in her parent 's home and that was one of the things she had to deal with . She had to deal with his death on her terms and most of the times ; they came in the form of nightmares . She tapped her finger across the surface of the table as his clock ticked further and further down . He simultaneously looked between her and the board as his hands started to shake and people around began to gasp at the fact that he was on the verge of being dismantled by this attractive young woman . She wasn 't from around here . She was too quiet to be a New Yorker . Too reserved . Too calm . Her accent wasn 't gritty . He makes his move , and she smiles . She could have ended the game , but she wanted him to suffer . She enjoyed it . She moved her Bishop down and took his Queen and with that move , you could feel the torment shooting from his soul . He flipped his King over onto the board as the people around stood with their mouths open . It wasn 't completely because he had lost because , even with his skill , he has seen defeat a few times before in that very park . What caused everyone to remain with looks of unbelief plastered onto their faces were her eyes . The coolness of the gray that covered her iris 's when she removed her glasses . The way she looked at her opponent with eyes full of nothing and winked at him as if she could see everything in front of her . It was the same look she had given the men before she ended their lives . Her beautiful smile was where they underestimated her . The perfect shape of her lips coated with black lipstick , the complexion that wrapped around her body flawlessly . The beauty mark that sat right in the middle of her cheek and made a small trail to the edge of her eyes . Two long french braids hung down from both sides of her head . Her pulchritude was uncanny , and it hid who she was . Moments later , she got up and walked away from the table , parting the crowd with each step like the red sea . She was dangerous . Much more dangerous than anything that chess table had ever seen . He smiled and got up from the table to fix two more plates . He was that kind of guy . A loving father who was willing to sacrifice his things just to make sure his two women were ok . Jade Bowen was the only child of two well - off parents . Her Father was a defense attorney , and her mother made her living as a surgeon . There wasn 't much that the family couldn 't get if they wanted it , but they did their best not to spoil Jade , and so far , they did well . She was seventeen and just a few months away from graduating High School and had aspirations of going off to College to major in pharmaceuticals and follow the path of her mother . She was fascinated with repairing wounds and sewing up deep wounds were guilty pleasures for her . The blood didn 't make her queasy the way it did her father . She had a strong stomach , and her mother was the same way . Her parents were pleased because they wanted her to understand that she should have to work for everything she got , just as they did . Moments later , her mother came down the stairs . She was a more mature version of her mother . Her body filled out in a way that her daughter patiently waited for . " If that is my mom , " she thought to herself , " Then I know my body will be here sooner or later . " She walked into the kitchen with her house robe on and tied it once she got to the table . Her father turned around as he pulled juice from the refrigerator , " Oh , so Jade just automatically gets my credit ? " he said as he placed the juice on the table . Her mother laughed , " I knew you were going to throw a hissy fit ! I was just playing ; I knew that you made it . Jade 's lazy behind just got up ! " She leaned over and kissed her daughter on the cheek , then walked to her husband and put her arms around him as she pushed her lips against his . They had been married for thirteen years , and most people would say that was an unlucky number . The Bowen 's didn 't believe in luck or anything like that , but that thirteenth year of marriage is when things started to become unhinged for them . On the subway , she took a seat right next to an older white man . She folded her hands across her legs as the train glided across the tracks . The lights flashed into the car every few seconds as she took a book out of her purse and ran her fingers across the small dots on the pages . The older black man with silver hair looked down at her book , then towards her . As she turned a page , she spoke , " The Invisible Man . I love this book . Have you read it ? " The older man adjusted his glasses , " I have . I have read it , indeed . " He paused for a few moments , " Have you ever wanted to become invisible ? " Suddenly , she remembered that same thirteenth year of marriage , and it was at that moment that she wished she was invisible . Her father lost his job because he lost a case that he was forced to take . His confidence was sky high at the time , and he hadn 't seen a loss in the courtroom in a few years , but even he wasn 't sure that he could get a man off for a double murder . It was the governor 's son , and the case was as highly profiled as it could get , and when the jury came back with the verdict , it was like a pillowcase of bricks collided into his chest . From that point , he was let go of the firm and blackballed in the state . He couldn 't find another job as a lawyer if he sold his first born and the thought crossed his mind more than a few times . He was unraveling before his family 's eyes , and as the time passed , he picked up a bottle more than he did a phone to search for jobs . Jade 's mother , Allison , was become weary by the day , but she did her best to hold it together even though things were becoming tight on them . They had tapped out of all of their savings and started dipping into Jade 's college fund . She fixed dinner on her day off as Maurice stumbled into the kitchen . She sighed when he walked up to her and put his arms around her waist . " Maurice , not now . I 'm tryin ' to get dinner done . " He kept trying to kiss her until she sucked her teeth and spoke with more attitude , " Maurice ! I said not now ! " He stumbled as he took a few steps away from her . His speech was slurred , " What … what are you talkin ' about not now ? You 're … you 're MY wife and I can … I can do whatever I please to you . Now , come here and let me get a kiss . " He walked over to her again , but this time , she lifted her elbow and pushed it into his chest , " I said not now , Maurice ! I need to finish cooking ! " It may have been the stress that built up over the past seven months of unemployment , but now , the look in his eyes was much different than it was before . The man that was full of love had become bitter . Angry . Resentful . He bottled it all inside of him when he should 've released it because now , it had the propensity to come out at the wrong moment . He had an unbridled sea of emotions swirling around inside of him that was just waiting to be released . He hadn 't been able to control them and for the most part , he had become a wild card . He said as every word left his tongue as if it weighed one hundred pounds . He lifted his hand and sent it crashing down into her face again but this time , she shoved him back into the table and knocked the dinner plates onto the ground . Just then , Jade ran into the kitchen in the midst of the commotion and saw her mother bleeding from her lip , and her father tumbled onto the ground next to the shattered glass . When he got to his feet , he charged forward again , but they both moved out of the way . They had been through this before , though . This wasn 't the first time he had put his hands on her . It had nearly become a weekly occurrence for the past two months , and Jade was tired of it . She was tired of seeing her mom hurt , and her mother was tired of making up excuses for the cuts and bruises she had all over her body . Only one person can have so much misfortune happen to them at once , and things had become difficult to explain away . He walked over to Jada , " Mo . . move out of the way , Jada . This is between me an … me and yo ' mama . " Jada knew what was coming . Ever since she knew she wasn 't going to be able to go to College , she wanted to go to the army instead . She felt she would be able to make the most money in the quickest way to help her mother as much as she could . She took courses on how to handle guns and enrolled herself in multiple self - defense classes to help her hone in on her hand to hand combat . She stepped in - between her mom and dad to help protect her mother as the rage built behind his glare . He took his hand and thrust it into her chest . She fell into the stove and smacked her head forcefully into the corner of it . Jada grabbed her head as she started to lose consciousness and her mother rushed over to her . Maurice grabbed Allison by the hair and threw her backward into the wall and slowly started walking to her with a staggered limp as if he was a zombie . With the little strength she had , Jada pulled herself up and grabbed a knife from the drawer . Maurice lifted his hand and sent it crashing down into Allison over and over , " This is th … this is the last time I ' ma … I ' ma tell you about talkin ' … talkin ' back to me ! " Pow ! He sent another hand down onto her cheek , and suddenly , he stopped and looked at his stomach to see the tip of a long steak knife sticking out of it . Soon after that , blood began to trickle down his mouth as Allison looked up in horror . Maurice gasped for air as more blood fell from his mouth and he dropped to his knees . The very last thing Jada saw was her father on her back , choking on his blood . Moments later , she passed out . Back on the train , she turned slightly towards the older white man , " Once . One time . But I have no regrets . " She quickly turned towards her book and continued reading as the train came to a stop . The older man got up and got off as she closed her book and trailed him like a shadow . He didn 't suspect a thing , and that 's how she saw it in her head before it happened . She studied him . She knew he was a fan of Ralph Waldo Emerson and flashing the book in front of him would force him to speak to her so she could get the tone of his voice . She didn 't plan on needing it , but she was told to always see the whole board before she made her move . Cover every angle . She could tell you his age , height , and complexion and she hadn 't laid an eye on him . She was good at what she did , and that 's why she was on . She was a ghost . He headed up the elevator to his office building and went into his corner room . When he took his suit jacket off and hung it on the rack , he walked to the window that overlooked downtown . He put his hands behind his back as his gray hairs reflected the sunlight that beamed down onto him . He cleared his throat , " I didn 't think you would be coming this soon . " He fixed his glasses as his reflection in the glass window shined back at him and seemingly out of nowhere , Jade emerged . " But you knew I would be coming . " He laughed , " Yes . Yes , I did . However , I did not suspect that you would have been on the train with me . " She walked closer to his desk as he continued standing with his hands behind back . He was wealthy himself , the owner of the largest grocery chain in the world . However , his desire to stay connected to the common people was astounding . He rode the train , the subway , and the city bus at least once a week so he wouldn 't become so haughty and high - minded . It worked as good as anything else could have as his workers , even starting , were paid two dollars above minimum wage and qualified for healthy benefits only after three months of employment . He was one of the good guys , but the industry saw him as a bad apple . He wasn 't falling in line with what the rest of the men in his position did and therefore , he knew the end was coming . He knew that not falling in line with the status quo and succumbing to the powers that be ; there would be a stiff penalty . He was prepared , though . She reached into her bag and placed two items on his desk ; a poison that he could ingest and send him away quietly or a double - edged blade that would sever his head from his body with little to no force applied . Her escape was already planned . She walked his office many times on his lunch breaks without him noticing that she had been there . He was positioned on the fifteenth floor , but she scoped out an exit through the ventilation system that led right outside . She would grapple down the building and come down through the sunroof of a car driven by another member of the agency , and they would be gone before anybody could blink twice . They were professionals . He spoke , not once turning towards her . It was slightly jarring that he said her name . However , she wasn 't deterred . She wasn 't going to dive off into unnecessary conversations . She was there to do a job , and that was it . The sun beamed down on him as he squinted his eyes and remained in his position , " You know , I pride myself on the things that I do for my employees . I respect them and in turn , they are willing to work for me and help keep my business afloat . I understand that - " she interrupted him , " Albert , please . " He slowly turned towards her with a smile on his face and his stomach round and plumped like a globe was stuffed in his shirt . His dark skin enveloped his body as if he was dipped in a dark , oily river as he looked at the options in front of him . He picked up the small bottle and opened the lid , " Temazepam , " he said as he spread the pills on the table . Jade stood in front of him with the blade in her hand , a silenced 9 - millimeter pistol in the other . He looked at her and smiled , " Ah , three choices now , huh ? " He didn 't seem to be worried , not even in the slightest fashion . Death is something that he was prepared for ever since he took his stance . His will was prepared , and all of his businesses were in order . He picked up a few pills and walked over to his water dispenser , " Would you like a drink ? " She stood there silently , her dark shades facing in his direction . " Just being hospitable , " he said as he pressed the release button for the water . It splashed into his paper cup , and he nearly filled it to the brim , then walked back to his desk and took a seat . Her head moved with each step he took until he was perched in his chair . She tightened her finger on the trigger as Albert tested her patience . He looked up to her , " I 'll be sure to tell Allison hello for you when I get there . " Suddenly , she paused , and the chances of that happening when she was in the midst of a job were unheard of , but right now , she was frozen . The machine in the hospital beeped right next to her bed as Jade stood by her mom , stroking her hand delicately to calm her anxiety . Even though she told her she was fine , Jade knew the truth . She could feel emotions better than most people could read faces . Her senses seemed to enhance weeks after she lost her vision . " I 'm here , Mama . I 'm not going anywhere . " Five years after Allison 's husband was killed , she was diagnosed with malignant cancer that was rapidly eating away at her insides . The doctors said that she didn 't have many more days to live , however , the time she spent in the hospital was as pleasant as anyone 's last days could be . She was bombarded with flowers and balloons almost on a daily basis just to show that she was appreciated . Albert had grown quite fond of her in the past few years . Although she wasn 't making herself available by any means , he still pursued her and , in fact , he was seeking to make her his bride . Jade knew all of this , but business is business . She stood in front of him as he took a deep breath and leaned his head back with the pills in the palm of his hand . Suddenly , he stopped and tilted his head forward as he put the cup of water back on the table . " You know what , " he said , " You 're going to have to - " and before he could finish , she sent a shot from her silenced pistol that went through his forehead and out of the glass behind him . She was through the ventilation system before his body hit the ground . 2 Replies " I don 't know , it was all just a blur , " he said as the detective sat across from him with his arms folded across his chest . He sucked his teeth at the young man 's response . He knew there was something off . The way he fidgeted in his chair . How he consciously avoided eye contact whenever the detective looked him squarely into his bold , brown eyes . " A blur , huh ? You really expect me to believe that ? Your best friend is dead . Your wife is dead . You hear me . DEAD . And you have the nerve to sit there , no tear in your eye , no feelings of remorse , nothing ! " the detective spoke as his deep voice began to rise , " on top of that , all you can give me is , ' it was all just a blur ' ? ! " The man leaned back in his chair , scooting further away from the detective but going nowhere . The room was small and the detective sat as close to him as possible , knees brushing against his . The room they sat in became smaller by the second . The young man fanned himself with his hand as the temperature increased in the room . " Is … is it getting ' hot in here or is it just me ? " he asked the detective with a befuddled look . The detective said nothing . It was all calculated because they knew he was semi - claustrophobic . The fact that they chose the smallest room available . The way the detective sat as close to him as he did . The sudden raise in room temperature . The detectives on the other side of the glass watched as one of them consistently increased the temperature in the room every five minutes . The two detectives involved in this case were strong chess players . Their mouths all watered whenever they had the opportunity to employ these type of strategic moves during their interrogation . " Well , can I at least get some water or somethin ' ? I feel like I 'm about to pass out " the young man said as if the life was draining from his body . The detective motioned towards the two way mirror . Moments later , another detective brought in a bottled water . It was much warmer than room temperature . The young man gaggedThe young man straightened out his shirt and picked up the bottled water . It was halfway empty as he took another swig , smiling at the two way mirror . Inside , he was breaking apart . His best friend and his wife was just murdered right in front of his eyes . His tears would never be seen by any detective but the truth ? We would all die to know it . It wasn 't that he was afraid to snitch , it was just the code that he lived by . He didn 't want justice in the form of prison bars . He wanted street justice . There was no way the men who did this would live to see another day . He already had it made up in his mind . " He 's not breaking " the large detective said to his counterpart on the other side of the glass , " he 's smart . He 's in there mocking us drinking that water knowing it 's hot . He knows good got - damn well it 's hot and he 's still drinking it ! " he said as the anger seeped out of him in the form of erratic yelling . " Hey , hey big fella , calm down . We 'll get him " the other detective said as he peered at him from behind the window , " he knows something . Maybe he didn 't do it . Matter of fact , I 'm sure he didn 't do it but he knows who did . " They peered at him as he sat in the room , still drinking the warm water . He emptied the bottle and held it up to the mirror , pointing at it as if he was suggesting a refill . " Look at him ! Look at him ! That cocky son of a - " , the other detective interjected , " easy , easy big man . That 's what he wants you to do . He wants you to lose your mind and pull something out of your behind that you have no way of proving . Let me take a run at him " he said as more of a heads up call than asking for permission . He walked into the room with another bottled water . The condensation from the coolness dripping off the surface of it . " Sorry about that last one " the slim detective said , " I know it was kinda ' warm . Don 't know how it got to you that way . " The young man shook his head , seeing right through the feeble attempt to cover the lie . " Don 't sweat it " he said , speaking with a double entendre . He unscrewed the top and took a swallow , internally savoring the coolness but being sure not to give the detective the satisfaction of knowing that he appreciated it . " How about a towel ? " the detective asked . The young man left it dangling in the detective 's hand . " I 'm good " he said in a low , barely discernable voice . The slim detective smiled and laid it over the young man 's knee completely disregarding his response . " Oh , I 'm sorry . Let me clarify . The murder you witnessed . I know the death of your friend and your wife is something hard to digest . The shock of it all may not have passed you yet so I 'm not concerned with your lack of emotion . I 've seen it all many times before . " " Newlyweds , huh ? She was a beautiful young woman . It 's a shame she had to go so soon . I bet you guys were just beginning to enjoy each other . " " Hold on young fella , just hold on . Now , like my man say , you look good for this murder . Ballistic reports show that your gun was fired . The shell casings in the house match your gun . Your prints are all over the weapon . I mean , it 's not looking good for you right now . " The detective scooted closer to the young man and spoke in a low voice as if he was trying to keep what he had to say a secret between those two , " look , in my heart I don 't believe you did it . Not for one second . But the prosecution ? They are looking for somebody to put away for this and right now , you fit the bill . " The young man sucked his teeth and took another gulp of water , peering over the bottle at his accuser . " A bluff " he thought to himself , " and a horrible one at that . " " Don 't you even care about the two people you had close relationships with ? The two people that died in the same room you were in ? I mean , you 're coming off pretty heartless right now , don 't you think ? " " Look . It 's going one of two ways ; either you killed them both or you had them set up . We did a little digging around . " " No , like finding a motive . You don 't think we knew that your wife and best friend were fooling around with each other ? " The young man froze , staring just beyond the detective into the wall behind him . The news hit his chest like a bag of bricks and a nauseous feeling went straight to his stomach . He kept a straight face , " everybody knew that " he said as he fell apart inside . His best friend and his wife . He had seen it too much in reality TV shows . It was something him and his wife would shake their heads at all the time . She covered it perfectly to the point that he never suspected a thing . Had he found out , he may have really been on the hook for murder right now . " They were like brother and sister " he said to himself , fighting back tears . " So , you mean to tell me you knew about it and at the same time , you were chilling with them ? With no issues ? No problems ? You REALLY expect me to believe that ? " " Us ? " Dajuan said nervously , " Aw man , we just comin ' from the store . I picked her up on my way over here . " Sherrie avoided eye contact with them , pretending to focus on the video game that was being played right in front of her . Dajuan picked up the vacant game controller , " Let 's get a game in " he said quickly in an attempt to avoid further questioning . They knew where they just came from and it had nothing to do with a store . Sherrie and Dajuan were just alike in the sense that they thrived on danger . The fear of " almost getting caught " is what kept the fire and passion in their affair . She believed she married Charles too young and since he cheated before , she had to get him back . She had to do it in a way that would teach him to think twice before he ever did it again . It was only supposed to happen once but once turned into twice , twice turned into three times , and three times turned into almost six months of treachery that was so covertly operated that the navy seals would 've been proud of it . " Aight man " Charles said , " I think you need a reminder of what happens every time you pick up them sticks " he said as a smile jetted across his face . Sherrie smiled in his direction , looking more towards Dajuan . The two men sat so close to each other that one could barely tell who her attention was really on . The way he redirected Charles made her want Dajuan even more . They were midway through the second quarter when the doorbell rang . Charles got up and walked to the door . Once he realized who stood on the other side , he scooted outside and cracked it behind him . " What are you doin ' here ? " he exclaimed in a stern , hushed voice . It was the woman he cheated on his wife with almost a year ago . She would show up unannounced at times asking for things that she left hanging around his house . He believed she left traces there covertly just to have a reason to come back . " I need my notebook . It 's under your bed " she said in an irritated voice . " No its not ! No . Its . Not ! And you 're gonna ' have to stop comin ' roun ' here , Jazmine ! I told you that ! " he said as he peeked behind him into the house , making sure nobody was coming to the door . " Boy , please . Like I said , I just want my notebook . If you 're not gonna ' go get it , then I will " she said as she tried to push her way past him . He put his hand up to block her , " No , I 'll get it . Just wait here . " He looked to his right as a black Monte Carlo began creeping down the block . It was right on time . He left her at the door , closing it as she stood there waiting with her arms folded . " Who was that ? " his wife asked as he briskly walked past them in the front . " Huh ? " he said , attempting to stall as he walked back to their room and began searching under the bed . Moments later , he yelling coming from the front room . Jazmine and Sherrie began arguing at the door . He glanced at his watch , knowing he had to get back out there as fast as he could . He climbed all the way under the bed and pulled out a notebook she had tucked on top of " Look " the detective interrupted him out of his daydream , " I 'm done here . If you don 't want to talk , that 's fine . That 's fine with me but please believe that there will be somebody you will have to answer to . We 're gonna hold you here for that traffic ticket until we can sort the rest of this out . " He shrugged his shoulders as the detective walked out of the room . He sat there , cold and sullen , sipping the final drops of water out of his bottle . He knew he would be out in a couple days and when he did get out , he would go back to life as it was before . Before the adultery . Before the wrong choices . It was a restoration time for him . He smirked at the detectives as they watched from the other side of the mirror . He held up his hand and pointed at the empty bottle . He knew he was going to get away with murder . |
It 's Sunday evening with a yellow sky and me and Buzz are standing underneath this concrete roof . It 's got no walls . So you 're asking how does it stay up ? That 's just what I said to Buzz : it 's so freekin ' crazy . We seriously need some protection as the rain is hurting . It hits the floor then bounces on to our legs . Man that hurts . Buzz is talking but I ain 't listening , I nod and smile but for all I know he could be telling me that my bits are on fire . I just don 't listen to anyone but I tell you this , if they don 't listen to me then I get real pissed . You 're saying ' hey Jay boy , that ain 't fair , one rule for you and another for Buzz ' . To be honest with you I can 't really argue that point , it 's like , I was made this way - real selfish like . You get sweet patches , it 's in the contract when you 're sliding thru ' that hole of your mama 's . It says sometimes your life is gonna stink and sometimes your life is going smell sweet as … well you decide . I ain 't deciding what is sweet to one man 's nose as he might just say ' Jay boy , that ain 't what gets me shaking ' and I 'd have to agree with him . Ain 't no man gonna tell me what makes me shake . But if I ran up that hill over there and looked down on my life , well I guess I 'd have to say that , all in all , I have had more good times than bad - and that 's the god 's honest truth . May you strike Buzz down if I 'm lying . Which makes him kind - a stupid , and you 'd be right , because when all is said and done , the best kind - a friend is a stupid one . I 'm gonna stop here but I promise to write soon . It 's just that Buzz is trying to set himself alight . I didn 't think he 'd do it , I kid you not , and hell if that ain 't ten bucks worth I owe him . Damn ! 2 . Fishin ' I explained to Buzz that when it was low tide on this side it was high tide on the other . He took my word without question . He just gave one of those - that seems right to me - nods and went on with his fishin ' ; not another care or another word - that 's why I love Buzz like a brother . When all the river water goes through their holes , the world turns upside down and it becomes night for some and day for others . Then the water comes back down the holes and we turn over again . If that ain 't the simplest explanation , then I don 't know what is . Buzz 's pappy never did head back up this way , but I did hear that the flamenco dancer once drove through town in a big red Cadillac - although this town is always full of stories like that . You just ain 't sure what to believe . 3 . Filmin ' One Saturday Buzz decided he 'd do just that - show them what they were missing , that is . That weekend the weather was real toasting and Buzz got me to borrow ( borrow without askin ' ) my granddaddy 's movie camera . " I kinda see myself as a cowboy , don 't ya think ? " I just nodded , hell it was best to just go along with anything Buzz said . I ain 't sure where Buzz got the gun from , but I do remember a story a while back about Buzz 's uncle Joshua who was thrown in jail for holding up a burger joint . Somehow the store owner convinced his uncle Joshua to take some French fries and a soda rather than the contents of the money drawer . Still , he went to jail all the same . I don 't remember any gun being used but I guess that 's where Buzz got it . I 'm just saying , as it would have saved a lot of trouble . I 've never seen a grown man being shot in the bee - hind before but Samuel Brooks hollered and screamed like the world was coming to an end . It was only a bullet in the butt , what was the big problem ? Buzz was hauled in front of Judge Pickering and folks were telling me that Buzz would probably get the electric chair or something . At the time ( I was young then ) I thought giving someone an electric chair was a real strange thing to do . Where would ya keep it ? Anyways , I had filmed the whole thing and we were allowed to show it in court . The judge said it was okay to show a movie . Some folks brought in popcorn . From the movie , you could see that as Buzz was pulling the trigger , he shut his eyes and didn 't really mean to hit anyone . At the end of the movie some of Buzz 's family started clapping - so Buzz got up and took a bow . Which I have to say was pretty cool . Buzz started waving , movie star like , to the folks upstairs in the gallery . One night , me and Buzz were lying out back in his mama 's yard just hanging . We wanted to go hiking across the top of Yellow Ridge but his mama was having none of it . Since Buzz 's pappy had gone , she was feared people coming to her house and stealing things ; to be honest with you , his mama had nothing worth stealing . So the upshot is , me and Buzz are heading out west just as soon as he finds another pair of boots . Guess he 's scared he might get beaten up by the grasshoppers on the way there . 5 . Drivin ' When Buzz was about ten years old , he stole my Daddy 's car . One minute he was askin ' me where the keys were hangin ' and the next , he 's starting the engine up . If my name ain 't Jay then call me a liar ' cause I swear that he just started her up and took off . He didn 't look back . " You okay ? " Shouts Buzz " I think so " but I have to be honest with you , the blood was running to my head so bad , I thought my eyes were going to pop out . I really did . When I sat in the front , Buzz stuck two pieces of paper up my nose to stop the bleeding and that seemed to do the trick . That was when he told me of his idea . Seems , I had been mighty hard on Buzz judging him like I did , he wasn 't stealin ' the car . No sir , what was happenin ' was that me and him were going to see some of the world . I mean , did I think he was stupid or somethin ' ? Buzz reckoned that ten years of age was just about the right time for a boy to ripen into a man and make something of himself . So Buzz just hit that gas tap and we flew outta town . Now you know what I think of Buzz , he really is as stupid as the day is long but when it comes to cars , well I guess a man has to have one thing he 's good at . Well two , if you count the fact that Buzz says he 's good at lookin ' good as well . Well , although Buzz could stop the car , or make it go quicker , he could only do one or the other on account of his legs not really reaching the pedals properly . " You 're goin ' fatter . " I was hollering at him . " What ? " " Stop goin ' so fat . " I will tell you here and now and I may I be turned into a toad , if I 'm lying . I wasn 't scared , honest injuns , I wasn 't . I just didn 't want my Daddy 's car all crashed . I don 't know if Buzz 's feet were stuck but that car wasn 't goin ' to halt in a month of Sundays . " Top it . " " What ? " " Can 't you top it ? " Sad Sadie dived off to the left to avoid being squashed in the crushed nuts drawer . " Tolly . " I shouted but I don 't think she was listenin ' . I guess we were . When my father came to collect us from the police station , the sarsaparilla was still runnin ' down my nose . 6 . Flyin ' The first time that me and Buzz attempted to fly , Buzz broke his arm in two places : in the yard and on the driveway . Yeh , Buzz didn 't think that joke was funny either . Now you 're going back to read it again in case you missed something ' cause you didn 't think it was so funny . Mister H was the man who ate children or so the story went . We 'd tried to have a look in his windows but he always kept all his curtains closed except for the attic windows and they were too high to get at , unless you got on to his roof . " I know what I 'll do , I 'll fly " was Buzz 's suggestion , with a real proud look on his face . He had thought of it all by himself . " You 'll fly to the top of Mister H 's house ? " " Yep ! " " What you gonna use , a jet pack ? " " Nope , I 've already thought of this . I 'll find a place that 's higher than the Child - eater 's and I glide over and land on his roof . " If Buzz really thought about this all by himself then I 'm sure the world is coming to an end or he ain 't tellin ' the whole truth . He 's probably seen the whole thing on Scooby Doo or something . There never was any proof that Mister H was actually eating any kids on account that no one had disappeared or anything but that didn 't stop the stories . You know how it is ? You get the rep for eating kids and it just doesn 't go away . I mean Buzz has got a rep for being really stupid but I have to tell you , he worked really hard at that rep and deserves it . I 'm making this all sound as if Buzz had come up with an idea that was as reliable as the day is long . To be honest he had had several other really bad ideas . Last Easter , he tried to climb up the pipes to Mister H 's roof but there was a bird 's nest about three quarter ways up and those little kiddy birds started peckin ' at Buzz 's face . You know Buzz hates anyone touchin ' his face so he tried to shoo them away and that 's when he let go . Luckily he fell into a bush and didn 't do any real damage although the pipe was hanging at a weird angle . Around June time , Buzz tried to lasso a rope around one of Mister H 's chimneys . He got the rope on to one of the corner ones - the kind that crash to the ground real hard when you pull on them , especially with a boy and a rope hanging off them . You could say Buzz escaped with his life , which iI swear to the almighty I had to run all the way to the toilet as I nearly pee 'd myself again , what with all that laughin ' . 7 . Girls I remember the first time that Buzz fell in love . It was with a pretty girl called Sally Watson . Buzz had just hit thirteen years of age and his hormones were fit to be tied . I mean those things were running around his body and making him feel all sorts of things - good and bad . Sally Watson and her family had blown in from Minnesota the previous month and had caused ructions all along Main Street , one way and another . Her father had come to our little part of the world to ' help his career ' - apparently he was a banker or something . Sally 's mother was the kind of woman who 'd step on you to get somewhere else - I don 't mean to talk unkindly of the woman but she was real mean and ambitious . So Buzz hanging about their door wasn 't the kind of thing they were looking for . I reckon if Mister Watson had got it into his head to buy a gun then Buzz would be picking the pellets out of his bee - hind . I kid you not . " I have just seen the most beautiful girl in the world , " was what he said that Wednesday . " Who ? " " She 's a vision , " said Buzz . Let me tell you with a hand on my heart that Buzz never , ever said things like that before the hormones went crazy like . " Who ? " Buzz shrugged his shoulders , ate a couple of my mom 's cookies and then remembered he was in love and a gave out a huge sigh . " I am in love , " he said after lying down on my sofa . " I hope it ain 't catchin ' , " I said , not wanting to have to lie on people 's sofas or anythin ' . " She 's an angel . " " Who ? " I said again , remembering that he hadn 't told me nothin ' . " That new girl , the one whose family have moved into number seventeen , the house at the top of the hill , the one nearest Heaven , " he said . I kid you not , that 's what he said . Buzz , newly turned thirteen and he 's talking like . . . . well a crazy kid . I asked him if he had swallowed somethin ' real bad and Buzz said that it was just the breath of love . My stomach nearly dumped my breakfast on the sofa beside Buzz ' cause that kind of talk makes a man feel kinda sick . I kid you not . I left Buzz on the sofa to get better and went and played Cowboys and Injuns with the Hardy Twins who were only twelve and immune from love . The next day I was walking to the Harper 's place , up on Indian Ridge and I spots Buzz sitting outside the Watson 's house , doing nothing else but looking at their windows with his hands under his chin and sighing . No idea why he kept sighing but he seemed to like it . " You okay ? " I asked . He just nodded his head and wouldn 't turn to look at me , he just kept on looking at the house . " She 's in there . My angel , " said Buzz . It was then that Mister Watson stormed out the house and came up to me , real angry like . " Are you related to this lunatic ? " Mister Watson screamed , putting his face so close to mine that I could see the hairs up his nose . " No sir , he 's my best friend in the whole world . " " Do you know that friend of yours has been sitting outside our house all night , " said Mister Watson . " I did not sir , but surely he ain 't causing trouble ? " I said . " You 'd think ? At least not until your lunatic friend started singing at 3 in the morning , at the top of his voice . What have you got to say to that ? " Man was he angry . I said that I didn 't know that Buzz could sing and that was when Mister Watson started chasin ' me down the hill . That man could run fast when he was angry . The following morning I just happen to be looking out of my bedroom window getting ready for church when I saw Buzz getting chased up Main Street by Mister Watson in his Sunday best . Mister Watson that is , Buzz didn 't have a Sunday best . I reckon the path of true love ain 't that easy as that English guy said , or maybe it was the Bible , I ain 't too sure . I didn 't really see Buzz over the next two weeks , except when he was being chased by Mister Watson . I hung out with the rest of the town 's kids who were all safe from this love thing . I remember that warm Saturday evening down by the stream , I saw Buzz sitting under the large Southern Magnolia . I thought he was laughin ' but he wasn 't , as I got closer I sees that he was cryin ' real hard . " What 's up ? " " She loves another . " " Who ? " " Sally Watson . She says she loves Jesus and she ain 't got time for me , " said Buzz , who was real heartbroken . " What you gonna do ? " I asked . And he told me that he hadn 't a darned clue what he was going to do as there was no way he could compete with Jesus . I guess he got that one right . The next day he came around to my place to eat all our food - like he usually did but he looked a darned sight happier . I asked him if he had decided what to do about Sally Watson and he said : " Who ? " 8 . Groovy " Let 's hitch right across the country to . . . well , the end , " said Buzz not sure where the end of the country was . " Then what ? " I asked just to see what he 'd say . " Why then we 'll come back again , groovy boy . " The problem was that Buzz had started reading books , comics mostly , but there was one book in particular that he 'd taken to - a book about being out on the road and discovering the real old tracks of this great country and it kind - a hit a nerve with old Buzz . He started wearing a beret and calling everything and everyone ' groovy ' , something Mrs Mitchell , our teacher , didn 't take too kindly . " Shakespeare isn 't groovy , Buzz . Now sit down and take that stupid hat off . " No one could tell Buzz that Shakespeare wasn 't one of the grooviest beat - nicks to come out of England . Buzz reckoned if we got to hitchhike at least 20 miles a day , then by the end of the year we 'd be . . . . . . . well , pretty far away from town . He got that right . Buzz started to grow his hair real long and Pastor Simmons used to mention in his Sunday sermon about boys who looked like girls ' cause of their hair and everyone in the congregation turned and looked at Buzz , who was sleeping with his beret over his eyes . One morning at Sunday school , the teacher asked what word could describe Jesus and Buzz stuck his hand up right away . I was wishing that he wouldn 't say what he was going to say but he did . He had to stand in front of the whole congregation the following Sunday and apologise to God for calling his son groovy . By the time the summer came , Me and Buzz were ready for the hitchen . Buzz couldn 't make up his mind which direction we should start to hitch . So one Thursday , he said we could decide by following the way the wind blew ; however that day would have meant us hitchen right through Tasker 's slaughterhouse , into the Hotel La Boomba and finishing up at the school hall before we even got outta town . " Are you sure you wanna go hitchen , Buzz ? " There I said it right in his face . " Are you crazeee ? " He hollered but I knew Buzz and he said ' crazeee ' a little too crazy like - which made me think he was hiding something . " I ain 't crazy , Buzz , I don 't think you want to go a - hitchen . " I slapped my old pal on the back and said that sounded like a real good plan and as I looked back at his house I saw his maw in the back yard wearing Buzz 's old beret . 9 . Geetars That place was dead , I mean real dead , I mean as dead as Jimmy Manson wanting to play quarterback after that photo of him dressed as Shirley Temple went around the team ; that dead . " S ' up ? " I said to old Buzz . Buzz just looked real bored , he 'd heard the door open thought it was a customer and then he had to find out it was only me . Okay , he was happy to see me an ' all but I sure wasn 't going to tip him , not like a real boney fidey customer would . " I need money , " says Buzz to me as if that was news to anyone . " I mean real money , I wanna start a musical band with geetars and stuff . " Well that was the first I 'd heard of Buzz and the geetar thing . Sometimes it is hard just to keep up with his ideas , he has so many , then he gets tired from having all these thoughts and he just goes to sleep . That 's the way it was back then , Buzz sleeping even in the middle of the day . Well you could have run me over with the next cargo train bound for the coast , I was that shocked . " You what ? " I had to be sure I had heard what I had heard . So he said he 'd not really bought a guitar but found it in a dump truck right behind the old jazz club on Washington Avenue . " Hawkeye ? " " Yup and mine is Running Wolf , " he said with a , ' I thought all this up myself ' , smile on his face . " You say some stooped things , Buzz but that has got to be the stoopidist in the history of stooopid things and that saying somethin ' . " The next time I saw Buzz was a couple of weeks later when he was playing his geetar on the corner of Vine and Stanford . There was one string on the geetar and he was pluckin ' it within an inch of its life . He was singing real loud to make up for the lack of music . When I say singing . . . . . well I reckon you can work that out for yourselves . I looked in the hat he 'd placed on the sidewalk and it had a 5 bits already in it . " Buzz , " I said . " What ? " he said . " Who gave you the 5 bits ? " I asked . Then he looked real red in the face and I knew he 'd put it there himself and it was most likely a tip from the Mayor or his latest lil ' girlfriend . " How 's things ? " I asked . " Not good , not good at all , " he said with a real sad face . " People just keep walking by . " So right there and then I decided to help my bestest pal in the whole world and did a lil ' monkey dance to accompany the song . Before you knows it , all the folks in town were throwing money in the hat and shouting ' dance monkey boy , dance . " By sundown we 'd made nearly a dollar , a whole dollar just for dancin ' and singing . As we walked up towards Cripple Creek I asked Buzz what we should do with the money and he said : " it 's going in my fund to help when I run for President of these , here United States . " I reckon he probably will and all . 10 . The Roadsmen I mean that as a kid he 'd never really had the need for money , ' cause - as he was always tellin ' people - Buzz lived off his God - given personality and his killer good looks . As far as I can remember , Buzz 's first real job was running errands for Mrs Trudy Spencer who ran a little haven from life 's troubles . It was called The House and it sat comfortably at the bottom of Ferdinand Street . Everyone called it The House but the whole town knew what went on there . If you needed it , Mrs Trudy Spencer would sell it to you . Buzz was probably about fourteen years old at the time but he looked way older . No one would ask him how old he was , as it was always assumed he was eighteen . Under the cover of darkness Buzz would carry packages to and from The House . I remember the first time Buzz took me along on a trip . He got to the kitchen door at the back of The House , then knocked in a series of complicated codes . No one knocked back but as I found out later , that was because Buzz had made the knocking codes up himself and of course inside they knew it was him and didn 't bother answering the door . I asked Buzz what was in the packages and you know what he told me ? He said it was ' hooch ' . " Good old hooch made up on the hills by the Roadsmen , " Buzz told me . No one ever really knew or met the Roadsmen . They were those people who did all the things that other people should have got blamed for . Even the bad weather was blamed on them . " That rain was caused by the Roadsmen and their fires , " my uncle once told me when it ruined his daughter 's wedding . To be honest I thought the package was a bit on the small side for hooch , so when Buzz went in to talk to Mrs Spencer , I had a peek into the package and it was just plain sarsaparilla for the high rollin ' customers who called The House , a home . I wasn 't gonna tell my pal , I just let him think he was someone that the Feds would be interested in talking to . Buzz would get paid in goods for his troubles . Tonight he had received chocolates and two pairs of nyl " Give them to yer Ma , " Mrs Trudy Spencer had told Buzz " I hear she could do with a good man in her life . " I can just imagine that Buzz would have looked hurt at that point as he was the man in his Ma 's life , the man of the house . I don 't think that was what Mrs Trudy Spencer was really talking about . That night we lay on the hill overlooking town and ate the chocolates . We both wore the stockings over our faces and decided that maybe we would keep them for the day when we needed to rob a bank . " Why would we rob a bank ? " I asked Buzz . " In case we needed the money , " he told me . " We ain 't got money and we 're happy . " " I know , but maybe . . . . . " then he stopped and I could hear his brain working . . . . " yeh but maybe . . . one day we 'll get money and then we 'll lose it and then we 'll want to get some more . " Buzz lay back real pleased with himself about that explanation and then pulled his nylon stocking disguise back over his chocolate covered face . He did have a point , one day we would have money and I 'm sure we 'd miss it if it went away . The rest of the summer Buzz delivered the ' illicit goods ' to The House ( by that I mean , the sarsaparilla I 've already mentioned , empty bottles , old newspapers , table cloths - you get what I 'm saying ? ) The cops didn 't want to talk to Buzz , no matter what he thought . To save on time and expense , at the start of each week Buzz would pick up some of the packages and store them in a hidey - hole in his back yard . Then each night he 'd take some of the stuff over to Mrs Spencer 's . One night he comes screaming around to my place . " They 're gone , " he shouted . " Gone ! " " What 's gone ? " " The hooch , " said Buzz . " Someone 's stolen Mrs Trudy Spencer 's property . " I rubbed my chin , as you do in these circumstances , then we both looked at each other and at the same time we said : " The Roadsmen ! " The Roadsmen were known to steal everything and anything , even kids . I remember my Ma saying to me that if I didn 't behave ( or Beeee - have was how she said it ) I would be given away to the Roadsmen . No one really knew what the Roadsmen did with you when they got you - some kid in class said they made you dress as a midget and work in circuses . Me and Buzz didn 't think that would be such a bad way to spend your time . " I 'm going up to the top of Driftward Plains and getting my hooch back , " shouted Buzz . Boy , was he in a grumpy mood . I said I 'd go with him , I couldn 't let my best pal face the Roadsmen on his own . And anyway I was real curious about what they looked like . Right after Buzz made his Tuesday night delivery , we headed up to Driftward Plains on a bicycle that he borrowed from the rear of The House . I 'm sure I had seen the bike before and that it belonged to the Sheriff , but I couldn 't be certain . " Shh , " he whispered at the lip of the hill . We both crawled to the edge and looked over . " See the lights ? " asked Buzz . " That 's them . " " How do you know ? " I said . " ' Cause who else would be up here ? " asked my pal . " Us , " I said , but I was ignored . " Woooo ! " he shouted but it just sounded real lame like . The six of the Roadsmen that were sitting around the fire just looked up and then back at the fire . I don 't think they were too impressed . " I want my hooch back , " Buzz shouted and then he did a funny dance . Not funny as in comic , funny as in he should get locked up . " Sit and join us , " said one of the guys who must have been over a hundred years old , maybe two hundred . " We just kept missing them , " said the two hundred year old man . " Then we just kept coming up here . Now some of us are alone , some of us are in homes and some of us ain 't got long . We just drive up here is Ken 's old jalopy and watch the sun going down and up again . " " So you didn 't take my hooch ? " said Buzz . " Nope . " When Buzz got back home he found his Ma had taken his packages in to the house ' cause next door 's dog kept trying to pee on them . As for Buzz discovering about money , well I 'm kind - a sleepy right this minute . I guess it would be all right if I tell you that story another time . Keep a watch out for the Roadsmen , unless you like getting shot outta cannon in a circus . 11 . The Alien Abduction He got the cops to call me instead of his Ma . She had said if he was arrested one more time that he would have to sleep in the town dump ' cause she was washing her hands of him . Buzz knew she 'd never do that but still - he didn 't want to take the chance , so I get woken by a call a 3 . 22 in the morning . I kid you not . Buzz 's face was deep purple , I mean deep grape purple by the time I got to the room and there was some cowboy counting : ' 1001 ' . . ' 1002 ' . . . ' 1003 ' . . . . I need to tell you at this point that Buzz was hand - standing against the wall and he was betting with the other kids in the jail that he could stay up the longest . " Another ten seconds and you 're the champion of Duchess County jail , " shouted the cowboy . Who would have thought then - that that would be the exact second when Buzz passed out ? I mean he just lay there all dead to the world . I looked at the cowboy who looked at the other kids in the cell he 'd been betting with . " Act of God , " called the cowboy . " What cha sayin ' ? " said the skinny little kid with bad skin . " I 'm sayin ' , it 's an act of God . " " And ? " asked the mean kid with the tattoos . " And I want you to think real careful before you answer . " Then the mean kid punched his palm with his fist followed by a real evil smile . I always wondered were these kids born with evil mean smiles or did they practice hard at it ? Buzz was coming around to opening his eyes as the cowboy was handing back the green stuff to the other kids . Buzz didn 't want to go home , not yet , leastways not until he got a story together that his Maw would believe . She was like the secret police or somethin ' , I mean that woman could smell a lie at spittin ' distance with her eyes closed - and boy did Buzz 's Maw know how to spit . When she was younger , she 'd been the Tri - county spittin ' Champion . There were cups on her smoking table and she was real proud of them . The back wall had brown stains where she 'd been practisin ' . When she got the baccy in the vase she 'd give a chuckle then spit the rest of her goo into the fire , and after it sizzled she 'd declare it the best birthday party ever . You can kinda see where Buzz got his craziness from . But I 'm floatin ' away from the story here - so where were we ? Oh , yeh , so Buzz comes back to my place and I asks him : " What was you in for this time ? " " It 's a long story , " he says to me . It always is . So I sit down knowin ' I 'm gonna regret askin ' but I can 't help myself but before I can ask him for more , he 's already started the story . . . " You remember , Becky Weiss ? " asks Buzz . I think I do but I ain 't sure , so I just kinda shrug my shoulder . " Yeh , you do . She was the red headed kid who claimed she 'd been abducted by aliens . " Then I remembered that Becky Weiss . She got pregnant at 15 and told everyone the father was a creature from Saturn who took her against her will in the middle of the night . When the kid was born it was the spittin ' image of Frank Dunbar from the farm down by the lake , I think her story kinda fell apart at that point . " She 's got 5 kids now , claims the man from Saturn visits her every full moon and every year she gets pregnant . Well I met her tonight and guess what , she was askin ' ' bout you . " " Me ? " Jeez until five minutes ago I could even remember who Becky Weiss was . " Yeh , she asked what had happened to my cute bud . " The blood shot straight through the top of my head . " She didn 't ? " " Did too . Anyhoo , that ain 't the story . When I first see her , she 's carrying some groceries and they spill over onto the sidewalk . So I stop and I help a lady in distress . Then I sees who it is , well I saw that tattoo of Jimmy Carter on the back of her neck first and I knew it was her . " " Becky ? " I said . " Buzz ? Is that really you ? " So Buzz tells me that he and Becky got quickly to talking ' bout things and what had happened to her since her first alien abduction ; nothing much , apparently , ' cept for the other alien abductions . You gotta wonder if Becky was a prize in some lottery for aliens ? I mean , these space creatures travel way across the Milky Way just to meet Becky Weiss ? Yep , it 's got me puzzlin ' as well , bro ' . I ain 't questionin ' anythin ' , just wonderin ' that 's all . " So we 're talking and there 's nothin ' else you understand , just talking , " says Buzz . " I hear ya , " I say . " Then there 's a knocking on the window of Becky 's place . " " So what ? " I ask . " She says that it might be the alien comin ' a callin ' . Now I don 't know about you but I ain 't one to be abducted by no alien . " " So what did you do ? " I nodded my head that I did but I don 't think I really did . " So . . . . , " and I knew I was gonna regret asking , " what happened next ? " Then Buzz got real upset and said that the alien had called the cops because of the fact that the spaceman had been hit straight in his antenna . " I didn 't know aliens could call the cops , " I said , genuinely . Now here 's the thing , it was only years later when I was attending the funeral of Becky Andrews ( once known as Becky Weiss ) that I found out that some of the boys of the town used to dress up as aliens to have their own sweet way with Becky . You hear what I 'm sayin ' , don 't cha ? Just so 's you know , Buzz told his Ma he 'd fallen asleep at my place and she seemed happy with that . 12 . Elvis Buzz 's Ma would swear on a stack of Bibles that she knew Elvis Presley for real . Perhaps it would take a sarsaparilla or two but soon she 'd been tellin ' everyone how she and Elvis were as close as anyone could be . Sometimes during one of her stories she 'd just stop , look far away as if she was remembering something , have a chuckle to herself and then continue with the story . When he 'd finished , he 'd say ' I thank you , my name is Buzz Presley and I 'll be here all week ' . It used to scare some folks while it made others smile . Mrs Dalton gave him ten bucks ' cause she thought he was touched . Her generation thought that a lot of people were touched . Hey , they might be right . To be real honest , Mr Winslow was real pleased with Buzz and his packing ' cause of the amount of extra folks that came for their groceries to his store . They all wanted their bags packed by the ' crazy guy ' . Annie Black who had packed bags at the store since the war used to spend her time just watching everyone queue up to get Buzz to do the packing . Mr Winslow let her go the second week in February . " You know , I don 't approve of rock and rolly music , " said the Reverend . He always called it ' rock and rolly ' . " But it would be right and good if someone from this county went over there and whipped their asses . " I was thinking that Reverends shouldn 't really talk like that but he did have a point . I just wasn 't sure if Buzz was the man to do it - that 's all . When we got into town there must have been about a couple of hundred Elvises , I kid you not : big ones , fat ones , skinny ones , girls dressed ( and ladies ) as the King . They way I looked at it , what harm were any of them doing ? The following day the contest started at noon and it sure was a long time of Elvis this and Elvis that - all dressed with the best of clothes . Then Buzz came up onstage , and the announcer said that this singer was all the way from Duchess County and his name was Buzz Aaron Presley . Yep , I kid you not , that 's the way he said it alright , ' the truly begotten son ' - what the h . . . , did that mean ? There was a silence in the crowd as everyone 's jaws fell . Man , you could have heard a prison break twenty miles away . Then some kid at the back of the crowd shouted ' I 'm his son , too . ' That 's what the weird kid at the back shouted . Everyone turned to look at him , then someone shouted ' get him ' and the folks started chasing him . I took this opportunity to grab Buzz off the stage and force him to head for the bus station . Sometimes Buzz and his exaggeratin ' could get a little out of control . Like the time , one July , a man from the Centerville Times came over to our town to look for ukulele players for some competition in the newspaper . Buzz wasn 't interested until he heard that the prize was fifty bucks . I think Buzz thought the money would get him to find his paw and bring him home , on account that his maw spent most nights crying through the wall of their home . " Step right up here , ladies and gents and sign up for the most prestigious prize this side of Two Forks River . Step right up . Here 's a fine gentleman ready to put his John Hancock on the paper . " When I look up , I 'm already too late ' cause Buzz has put his signature on the competition entry . I tried to grab the pen off of him but he just looked at me and said that I owed the man one buck entry fee on account that his pockets were empty . Apparently royal people , like princes , don 't carry money . Now , I did not know that . Maybe I was being a bit stupid and that Buzz could learn to play the ukulele in fourteen days . There was probably a book somewhere called ' Play The Ukulele in Two Weeks ' . A buck fifty on the book and a big load of money in return . " What 's that ? " He asked me , and right then was the point that I gave up on my friend . I ain 't proud of it , but I thought there goes my buck down the river . I ain 't goin ' to see that again . When Buzz told me the plan , I actually thought that it might work . What he hadn 't bargained on was Becky Smallhousen hittin ' a load of poison Ivy on the mornin ' of the competition and her head blowin ' up to three times its normal size . At least that 's what Buzz said . So that was the plan , I would hide in the bush and attempt to play the ukulele while Buzz stood out front . I say it was a plan - ' cause that was until Buzz bumped into the Smith Twins who could play any kinda instrument . There was a story that they could blow air up any animals ' be - hind and get a tune from it . It started real good , The man from the Centerville Times introduced Prince Buzz , son of the King of England . Buzz stamped his feet and a beautiful ukulele tune came from what seemed like Buzz . The trouble was that as one twin played the ukulele the other twin couldn 't resist joinin ' in on the spoons and it kinda gave the game away . You see , the summer that Buzz wanted to start Skinny - dippin ' just happened to be the summer when all the creeks dried up . Sometimes Buzz can be a truly crazy person and maybe , just maybe , he had chosen that summer so he could complain about the bone - dry creeks . It 's what he does . Anyhoo , there weren 't no water in the creeks to go skinny dippin ' , so that was when Buzz suggested that we might use the water tower which stood next to Mrs McGonigal 's Eatin ' Room and Entertainments . I asked the grown ups what kinda ' entertainment ' that Mrs McGonigal laid on but they always changed the subject and one time , the preacher nearly choked on his biscuits and gravy . So I stopped askin ' . The water tower was higher than the church clock - so you can see it was pretty high and you had to climb up a real shaky ladder . Buzz suggested on the mornin ' of one extra hot day that we should get up real early and climb the tower , that way no one would see us and we could stay up there all day . The Sheriff had said it was agin ' the law to go swimmin ' in the tower on account that it was the water that folks used for drinkin ' and such and also because Cross - Eyed Larry had pee 'd in it one time . Late in the afternoon we could hear a band coming down the street , apparently the preacher 's wife had organized a parade for her son , ' cause he 'd memorized the whole of the Good Book or somethin ' . I ain 't critizing but a whole parade . I mean . Anyway , me and Buzz decided to jump from the ledge together and somehow we hit the bottom of the water tower real hard and kinda went through the tower . And where we 'd made holes , well the water kinda started leaking through , and we could hear the screams from those getting wet below us . You 're saying , I suppose , that I forgot to mention about me being nake - it and all - and what happened to me , exactly ? Well , I told the preacher that I had been trying to baptize Buzz on account of his bad ways an ' all , and that with the creeks being dry , the water tower was the only place to do it - don 't ask me where that all came from - I ain 't got a clue . Anyhoo , for some reason they let me go and decided that Buzz was the guilty one . That day started like any other Saturday . My Grandma was washin ' the back of my neck with all my family lookin ' on . When she got into rubbin ' real hard I would turn my neck a little so that I could see out the window . That morning was just like any other , Jake Van De Berghe was getting chased up Main Street by another angry husband . You 'd have thought he 'd have run out of married ladies by now . When my Grandma let my ears go , I met Buzz down at the corner of Lincoln Street . Buzz was holdin ' something , which turned out to be his Maw 's curtains from her best room - it was called the ' best room ' ' cause Buzz wasn 't allowed anywhere near it . No sir - ee . Apparently Buzz had to get the curtains back home before his Maw returned from Johnstown at sundown , or Buzz 's Maw would skin him like a desert rat . Now I know he ain 't tellin ' the whole truth ' cause he 's used them curtains before and his Maw didn 't even see they were missin ' . Buzz had found a book with superheroes in it and that was what we were gonna be , this here Saturday . I gotta say , at first , I kinda felt stupid with the cape around my neck but it started to feel good and I could see what Buzz was up talkin ' about . We were just about to begin fightin ' crime when all of a sudden Jake Van De Berghe comes rushin ' around the corner and shoved me and Buzz into the Ice Cream & Sarsaparilla Café . The minute we were through the doors , Jake shouts , " Help me boys , keep this mad man out . " And by madman he means a mad husband - but like I say , it was just another Saturday in town . I hear tell that Jake has a wife of his own but that she don 't mind if he runs after other women on account that he really annoys her and has bad breath . Least ways that 's what Becky told me in school . So there 's me , Buzz and Jake trying to hold the madman from breaking down the door . Every time he charges at the door , we move forward some and then we 'd push back and then it starts all over again . Crazy Eddie , who ran the café , was getting real worried about a madman getting ' loose in a Sarsaparilla store , and so he helped hold the door , too . For a moment it all went real quiet and Jake was about to say that the madman had probably given up , when I turn my neck the way I do and look out of the window to see that the madman has gone all the way across the street to the Chip and Shoulder hardware store . I was just about to tell them that the madman was gonna take the longest run ever in the whole world when the he burst through the door throwing me , Jake , Crazy Eddie and Buzz out of the way and got his head well and truly stuck in the Raspberry Ripple Ice Cream machine . " I 'm tuck , " was all the madman could holler . " I 'm really , really , really tuck . " " I think he means he 's stuck , " said Crazy Eddie . " Tat 's what I said , " hollered the Raspberry Ripple madman . Buzz threw his cape around his back and decided it was the right time that me and him were superheroes . I pulled the man 's left leg and Buzz pulled the man 's right one . " Tat hurts . " " Sorry , " I shouted . " Wot ? " The madman hollered back . It was no use , the man 's head wasn 't going anywhere and he was complainin ' that he was getting brain freeze . Don 't you just hate it when that happens ? " There 's nothing for it , I 'll need to call Stupid Larry , " Crazy Eddie said sadly , ' cause apparently Stupid Larry wasn 't the cheapest in town , but he was sure good at getting ' people out of holes . When Buzz 's Maw fell down that Main Street drain and got stuck good , Stupid Larry got her out of there in two shakes of a lambs tail , although he did charge her fifty bucks . When Stupid Larry saw the madman 's predicament , he looked at it one way , " Mmmm , " he said . Then he looked at it another way " Ohhh , " he said , shakin ' his head . Then he kinda crawled around in on all fours , " tut , tut , " he said . Now some of the less kind folks in town used to say that all this walking around the problem wasn 't exactly necessary and it was only to make you think that Stupid Larry was givin ' you your money 's worth . " Nope , we 're going to have to get him back to my workshop and cut him out . " So Stupid Larry unhooked and unscrewed the ice cream machine with more show than a magician , I kid you not . Once we 'd bumped it down the stairs , Jake and Crazy Eddie pushed it up the street , with me holding one leg and Buzz the other . Stupid Larry ran ahead to get his workshop all fired up . When we were just passing the courthouse , the wife of the madman came over to Jake and asked him how he was doing and had he seen her husband . She didn 't think to ask about the pair of legs that were sticking out of the ice cream machine . Jake said , he couldn 't help her and he was sorry but he was real busy and if she didn 't mind they 'd like to be off real quick . Kinda trying to pretend that he didn 't really know her and all . When Stupid Larry started using the torch to cut open the machine , Crazy Eddie kept saying " This is gonna cost you , mark my words , cost ya good , " to Jake . To be honest I don 't think that kinda talk helps much . Anways , when Stupid Larry got the bottom off the machine , the madman 's face was frozen stiff , I kid you not . Buzz was sure that the m16 . The Thing I don 't know when Buzz noticed the thing on the end of his nose . I had seen it that morning but didn 't want to tell my pal on account that he thought he was the best lookin ' guy walkin ' on the face of this , here , Earth . I kid you not . So when Becky Walters said in her usual way , Buzz said nuthin ' and walked off home . Becky Walters looked real pleased with herself and said , " Did I say somethin ' wrong ? " . Becky knew she 'd said somethin ' wrong , I mean that 's all she was good at , on account of her Mom tellin ' everyone in town that her Becky was a Princess and all . I kinda thought the brown paper bag might look even weirder than a big thing on the end of your nose , but I wasn 't so sure of that fact that I could tell Buzz to go naked in the head department . Apparently Buzz 's Maw had tried to fix the zit by stickin ' a needle in it and it had made it worse . Buzz 's Maw wasn 't real good at doctor stuff but it didn 't stop her makin ' up her own cures for everythin ' . When Buzz had a fever , she had made him lie down in a darkroom with a brick on his head . Apparently it was a cure that had been passed down thru the family . I 'm thinkin ' craziness was the only thing that was passed down in that family . Buzz wanted to know if that was a good ' wow ' and I told him it was , but I had to cross my legs on account that I thought I 'd pee myself , ' cause I wanted to laugh so bad . Buzz had a tomato on the end of his nose - I mean , a big red bright tomato . No kiddin ' . So Buzz and me went off to paint our bag faces but like everythin ' with Buzz it wasn 't straightforward . Next time I see him he 's dressed as a clown . Yep a big clown with big shoes and a white face and a big nose ; I mean it was his own nose but it suited the clown face , I kid you not . I thought the bag had been all right but I wasn 't following my pal down the clown face road . It had been his Maw 's idea - she had thought why not just paint a face on her boy and be done with it , and maybe she had a point . At school I could see the teacher kinda lookin ' at him and shakin ' her head but she didn 't say nuthin ' . She just went off and got all the other teachers in school to come to our class . And they all left , crossin ' their legs like they were gonna pee themselves , too . Buzz 's Maw got arrested on the Friday for trying to cure the Sheriff 's daughter of her hiccups by making her stand on top of an auto - mobile . The Sheriff said she was just plain crazy and slung her in jail until the following Monday . The good thing about this was it let Buzz 's nose get a rest from his Maw and so it started to get better . By Monday , Buzz was ready to face the rest of town - just the way God had made him - and he went up to Becky Walters and gave her a big kiss , right there , on her lips . Buzz was 5 feet and a quarter inch , if he was a day . Buzz tried to say that he was only 5 feet when he left home that mornin ' but had grown thanks to the sunshine and the heat . Buzz said it was well known that the heat from the sun made you grow and at night folks would shrink again . I don 't anyone else who knew that , but Buzz said it was a fact as his Grandpa had told him just before they threw him in prison for selling his body hair to Chinese people . Least ways that 's what Buzz said it was , I heard that his Grandpa had been stealing knives and forks from Susie 's Diner . Buzz tested the walk in the dark and it worked a treat . So the next morning , Buzz stood in line and got to ride on the Great Eastern . But the guy behind him , Jake , was five feet three inches and he got on the ride too . Which is why Jake was too tall when the ride went under the Black Mountain and he hit his head on top of it . He didn 't knock himself out , instead he dragged the Black Mountain around the rail with him , which then hit the Red Hot Volcano - so by the time that Jake got back to the start , he had the whole Great Eastern ride hanging around his neck . Man there was trouble and yet no one ever worked out how Jake had managed to get himself on to the ride in the first place . Only me and my pal Buzz knew the truth . Buzz who was already startin ' to shrink again on account that it was getting dark . 18 . Soccer One of the other times that Buzz had a mid - life crisis was that summer when his first hair grew out of his chin . You would have thought that he was Fu Man Choo or somethin ' . I didn 't see Buzz until two days later and by then he was talkin ' real funny like . I 'm thinkin ' to myself , I 've heard this funny talk before and sure enough I remember - right in the middle of the night , I shout out , ' Mary Poppins ' . Buzz sounded like Dick Van Dyke in that movie . When Buzz told me that as a good lookin ' kid it was probably beholdin ' to him to run for office . I was thinkin ' that Buzz had surely gone a bit crazy like . But then I was always thinkin ' things like that about my best pal . On the way back home from school , Buzz started to kiss mothers and their babies . One or two of them were takin ' by surprise but most of them tried to chase him away . One hit him with her umbrella and said she was hollerin ' for Sheriff McDonald , oh thank you Jesus . Well that 's what she said . " My fellow Americans , " he shouted to the three kids who were left and then he went on about when he was class president he would make sure that everyone got free soda . When Amy , who was seven years of age , asked him how . He said he 'd get back to her on that point and she seemed happy enough with that answer . Maybe getting Buzz elected wasn 't gonna be that difficult after all . Just before the bell , Buzz disappeared from class . He just got up and walked out , sayin ' to Teach that he had important work to do . When the Principal dragged him back about ten minutes later by his ear , it was because he had gone around all the classes and shook peoples ' hands even although they were in the middle of lessons . Even as the teachers were throwin ' him outta class , he still tried to make a speech . It was at our darkest hour that Buzz 's Maw came up with a plan . Even though she was as broke as a broke thing , she could still bake and she made cup cakes for everyone in the school ( even three for Big Peggy who liked her cup cakes ) . Well this blew Jason Commitment outta the ball park and Buzz was elected by a land slide . As a celebration , Buzz suggested that me and him mosey down to the ice - cream parlour and that he 'd get it for free on account of him being President and all . Mister McLuskey was servin ' that day and he said , that he wasn 't one of Buzz 's ' Fellow Americans ' thank you very much , and that we was getting ' no free ice cream either - ' cause he 'd never heard that kinda crazy talk for many a year . So we just left Neither of them got us any free soda . You just can 't trust politicians . 20 . Smilin ' Like I 'm always tellin ' you , Buzz thought he was born with a tongue that had been stolen straight from the mouth of an angel and that nothin ' and no one could resist the stuff that floated out of that great big pie hole . " Maybe she ain 't got a brain , too , " he said , a little unkindly . I 'm thinkin ' that if she didn 't have a brain she 'd be doin ' nothin ' but smilin ' , the way Farmer George 's boy does ever since he was kicked in the head from Daisy the bull . Yeh , you heard right , a bull named Daisy . No wonder he kicked people in the head . Anyhoo I 'm getting ' all confused now , what was it we were talkin ' about ? Oh , yeh , Buzz and Beccy and the smilin ' . So if this was true , then Buzz didn 't have a snowball 's chance of making Beccy or anyone with that blood , smile . And yeh , you can guess I never told Buzz that little bit of the story . I just bet him 5 bits that he couldn 't do it . I hate to take a man 's five bits but a bet 's a bet . Except I knew Buzz would never have the five bits to give me . Even if he did , his Maw would steal it out of his britches before he was awake . That was the kinda Maw that she was . I was born in the West Coast of Scotland - a beautiful part of the world . Grew up in Paris , France and Woodstock , New York . I studied writing at college and gained a Masters . I wrote a short film ' Stealing Moses ' which was selected by the British Urban Film Festival , 2015 and was supported by Channel 4 . I have been selected to pitch at BAFTA , twice . I trained through TAPS at Emmerdale and The Bill . When I first got to know her , She was fully formed . A woman with life , and humour and Dreams . And in the gaps between the dark times , S . . . There had always been wars . Even in the times of love and hope , there was always a reason to kill . From the 17 th century onwards , wa . . . His family loved him , of that you can be sure . He was , after all , from them and like them . Sometimes when his mother walked with her chi . . . His family loved him , of that you can be sure . He was , after all , from them and like them . Sometimes when his mother walked with her chi . . . There had always been wars . Even in the times of love and hope , there was always a reason to kill . From the 17 th century onwards , wa . . . When I first got to know her , She was fully formed . A woman with life , and humour and Dreams . And in the gaps between the dark times , S . . . 1 . The day Bingo met The Angel The day that Bingo died was the day I decided to put on my walking boots and leave town . Bingo ha . . . There had always been wars . Even in the times of love and hope , there was always a reason to kill . From the 17 th century onwards , wa . . . Andrew came across the newspaper cutting while packing . It was as soft as felt . Blurred and brushed at the edges , paper turned to cloth . There was a who . . . Philip found a bee today . It was in a bucket of water at the allotment . He didn 't know where it had come from , or what had caused it to end up in the wa . . . |
Stories The Lady Comes of AgeThe lights were bright tonight . How could they be anything different ? The Prince and his Lady were making the city their own tonight . It was a celebration of the Lady 's birthday and they would celebrate until the sun peeked over the horizon and the lights began to flicker slowly off . " What do you wish for your birthday , Lady ? " the Prince asked her . Marta , resplendent in a flowing black , strapless dress with a low cut and a fishtail skirt , waved a small feather fan at her face despite the chill of the night air . " I want everything , Prince , " she said . The Prince , his Victorian tuxedo perfectly tailored to every last stitch , bowed low and doffed his top hat . " For you , my Lady , I will bring you everything and more ! " He looked up at her and Marta noticed his hungry eyes . " What 's more than everything , my Prince ? " she asked with a laugh . He took a step toward her , reaching his arm out . " Shall I show you ? " he asked , his voice dripping with need . He didn 't just want to show her what he meant , he needed to . In every fiber of his being , he needed to show her . She sucked in a breath that made her chest rise and strain against the fabric of her dress . She hadn 't heard the Prince 's voice filled with such yearning in almost five years , since the short time he had lost touch with the city 's lights . She laid a hand modestly over her chest , covering her cleavage . Her clothes , the Prince told her , were designed to bring out her most perfect beauty . For the past few months , as she bloomed earlier than most girls did , they had grown gradually tighter and more revealing . She didn 't mind , but did wonder how much further they would and could go before she started to . Her palm came to rest on the jewel that hung around her neck . She closed her hand around it , gripping it tightly . " Yes , " she told the Prince . " I want you to show me . " She held out her hand to him . She expected him to take it , but instead he laid his hand on her shoulder . Slowly , he let it slide up her neck to cup her face . The leather gloves were smooth and supple . " You are very beautiful , Marta . " Marta awoke , cold and uncomfortable . The threadbare blanket which had kept her mildly warm had fallen off her , exposing her to the cold air . Briefly , she considered covering up and going back to sleep . But she was awake now and didn 't need much sleep anyway , so she got up and walked into the other room . She lived in an abandoned row house , one without working electricity or running water . It was mostly unfurnished , containing only a few crumbling chairs and a bed in such a poor state the she wasn 't eager to actually sleep on it . As she stretched to resolve the ache in her stiff back , she reconsidered that position for not the first time . She slowly trudged into the bathroom . She owned a toothbrush with bent bristles and a cracked handle . She wet it with stagnant water from a plastic jug and squeezed on toothpaste from a tube retrieved , half - full , from a dumpster . She gently brushed her teeth and gums , exactly like her parents had taught her all those years ago . Thinking of her parents now filled her with melancholy . It had been nearly nine years since she 'd last seen them . With a foamy spit she realized her life without them had been almost as long as with them . And those first few years with them were the unremembered times of an infant . She took a mouthful of water from the jug and washed her mouth out . She gave herself a smile in the cracked mirror , proud to see still - white teeth . The Prince had wondered why she bothered , once . " When the lights come on , " he told her , " you will become perfection . Why bother with it ? " She didn 't bother trying to explain it to him . How long had he been the Prince of the City 's Lights ? Probably as long as there had been lights , she supposed . She couldn 't blame him for giving up on the time when the lights were off . More than once she 'd entertained the idea as well . Looking at herself now , the desire briefly flared up . Her long red hair , which was naturally curly and wavy , hung limply around her shoulders . It was dingy and oily . She could wash it out with the water and some soap , but then it would simply get tangled and brittle . She thought about the Prince , with his long , dirty dreadlocks . Either way , she thought with a sigh , her hair would be a mess . Her skin was still creamy pale , though now marked with zits and blackheads . There weren 't many , but the ravages of being a teen still afflicted her . Her eyes were still a bright brown fading to hazel near the pupils . She smiled at herself again . She had a nice smile , full lips , though they were dry and cracked in contrast to her oily skin . She didn 't wear any makeup , not that she would bother putting any on if she even had some . The cast off clothing she wore was too big for her and the opposite of flattering . They were dirty , of course . Everything was always dirty during the day . Her coat had holes in the elbows and half the buttons had fallen off . It wasn 't very thick and only by constant moving could she remain warm even out in the sun . Her shirt was baggy and hung down around her thighs , a dingy white t - shirt with the logo of some RV dealership plastered across the chest . Her pants , at least , were relatively new , though uncomfortable even so . They were rough spun jeans , black in color and meant for a man , though they still fit her snugly . If not for the rest of her ensemble , they might actually look good on her . Her stomach growled and she debated the merits of attending to that immediately . She didn 't have any food in the house , so she 'd have to go out and find some . She checked her pockets and discovered that money was lacking . That wasn 't much of a surprise . She did have a cigarette , though . She pulled it out and lit it with a match from a book she 'd taken from a truck stop she slept at one night . The warm smoke helped banish the last bits of chill from her body and soothed her appetite somewhat . She wondered if smoking was truly bad for her . The Prince had never seemed to suffer from his various vices ; at least not to the extent Marta thought he should . She angrily shook her head . Why were all of her thoughts drifting toward the Prince this morning ? She put him out of her mind and smoked the rest of the cigarette quickly , sucking it down like it was medicine . She dropped the butt to the floor and ground it beneath the worn sole of her ill - fitting sneakers . Food was on the agenda . Unlike the Prince , she couldn 't simply walk in somewhere and take anything she wanted . She would have to work for it . Working for food meant one of two things for Marta . She could beg for money until she collected enough or she could dig through dumpsters for half - eaten leftovers . Neither option was particularly palatable for her ; she hated the hit to her dignity that begging always seemed to result in , but at least the food would be fresh . There had been times when , in a particular moment of desperation , she 'd taken to eating food covered in grime or small amounts of mold . Those times hadn 't happened in a long while , though . She 'd swallowed her pride and would beg most of the time . Or , when the night fell and the lights came on , there were ways she could get things . . . She hated those more than begging , though . It was begging with a lie on top . Only when she was truly desperate . Her best bet would be near the harbor , where plenty of young , well - off white people congregated . They had the most to spare and , even though they were among the least likely to give her anything , when they did it was usually enough to get something . It was a long walk from her home to the harbor , but she knew better than to even try anywhere she could get to quickly . The only thing she 'd get around there would be curses or kicks . As she walked , head down , hands stuffed in pockets , hood up , a man called out to her . " Hey girl ! " She cringed . It was Lamont , one of the residents of the neighborhood who lived in one of the buildings that was actually intended to be lived in . She tucked her head lower and tried to speed her walk without looking like it . " Hey , girl ! " Lamont called again . She could hear him jogging after her so she sighed , slowed up , and glanced back over her shoulder . Lamont was a black man entering his mid - 40s . His hair and beard were peppered with gray and he had friendly eyes that she knew were a lie . " What do you want ? " she asked . " You eighteen yet , girl ? " he asked with a big smile . Marta snorted and turned away from him . She started walking briskly off , but Lamont kept up after her . " Hey , girl , come on ! Don 't be like that ! " he said . " Come on , I ain 't askin ' nothing but if you had a birthday yet ! I got a present for you ! " He laid a hand on her arm which she violent shrugged off . " Come on , girl . You livin ' in a dumpster , more or less . All I wanna do is clean you up and put a roof over your head . Ain 't nothing wrong with that . " " That 's not all you want to do and you know it , " Marta said harshly . Even with the layers of filth covering her , Lamont had been able to see through it and take notice of the beauty beneath . He coveted that beauty , as most men did , which made Marta hate him . She wanted nothing to do with men like Lamont . " And what 's wrong with that , huh ? " he asked . " Man 's got needs . Girl 's got needs too , don 't she ? I 'll be better than your old one , that 's for sure - " Marta whirled on him and gave him a wild - eyed glower that caused him to halt in his tracks , mouth agape . " Don 't talk about him ! " she snarled . " Don 't ever talk about him , understand . " She jabbed a finger into Lamont 's chest and he stumbled backward . Lamont raised his hands in the air as if she were pointing a gun at him and took a wary step back . " Whoa , girl , fine ! I won 't talk about him again , damn . Sorry . " She sighed and let the sudden tension flow out of her body . Her upper body went limp . The only thing keeping her legs from doing the same was her wish to avoid falling to the ground in a heap in front of Lamont . The last thing she needed was to give him more fuel to insist that she move in with him and share the benefits of having a real bed . " Whatever . I 'm not moving in with you , ok ? So stop asking . I 'm not eighteen yet anyway , so you 'd get in trouble if we did what you want me to do . " The truth was , Marta wasn 't quite sure how old she was . She thought she was still seventeen , but maybe . . . It depended on the day . How long ago was New Year 's Day ? A month already ? More ? Lamont frowned at her and for a moment she thought she saw sincere concern . " Anyway , I can 't talk to you , " she said . " I 'm busy . " She started to turn and leave , but he said , " Hold up , just a second . " " Damn , girl , I ain 't gonna do nothing that won 't take a second . Just hold up ! " Marta spun and was ready to yell at him again , but before she could start she saw him holding out a crumpled twenty in his hand . " Here , take this . It ain 't much , but it 'll stop you from havin ' to beg and shit . " She swallowed a lump in her throat . A twenty could buy her a decent meal , a few jugs of water , a bar of soap , and leave her with something left over . " I 'm not taking your money , " she said , the words an effort to force out . " I don 't want to owe you . " Lamont sighed and ran a hand over his short , stubbly hair . " Damn , girl , you won 't owe me shit . This is a gift , you feel ? Friends give friends gifts , alright . " Marta laughed ruefully and shook her head . " We 're not friends , " she said and walked away . She expected Lamont to yell something at her , to say something at all . But he didn 't say a single thing , not even a sound . A worn and creased square of cardboard served as her sign . It read , simply , " Homeless . Spare some money . God bless . " She didn 't really believe in God , to tell the truth . Her parents probably hadn 't either , though they used his name in vain enough . Her mother had wanted to go to church , but her father hadn 't wanted to go to a black church ( though he 'd used a much less flattering term ) , so they never went , except for the few times they visited her grandparents on holidays . Even so , Marta didn 't feel like it was a lie to say it . If there was a God and he was looking down on people , he 'd probably bless the people who gave money to beggars even if they didn 't believe in him . She sat huddled on a concrete step , shivering in the cold air . It was the middle of the day , so people were moving through on lunch breaks . Plenty of traffic . She kept the sign up , hiding most of her face . People were more likely to give money to a pretty young homeless girl , but she hid anyway . As people walked by , she peered out over the top of the sign , wondering who would be the first to drop some change into her cup . It was an empty Big - Gulp cup she scooped out of the trash . The inside was sticky . She rattled it back and forth , hoping the sound of the few coins she still had would entice someone to drop a bit of money in . After a half - hour of no bites , she was growing a bit frustrated . She wanted to scream at them , to ask them if they knew who she was . What she was . Ask how they could dare to deny her ! But she kept quiet , shaking the cup every few seconds , holding the sign up in front of her face . Finally , someone walked over toward her . He was a young man , probably no older than she was . He had the thin , sly face of a child who would take far too long to grow up . As he got near , he grinned and pulled a clenched fist out of his pocket . " Here you go , " he said with what seemed like barely - contained amusement as he stuffed his fist into the cup , opened , and then pulled it out . " Thank you , God bless you , " she said softly . His eyes went a little wide when he heard her voice . Maybe he hadn 't realized she was a girl , or how young she was . But he turned and ran off , back to a group of other boys his age . She glanced into her cup , half - expecting her coins to have been stolen . It wouldn 't have been the first time someone thought it would be a funny idea to steal the little bit she 'd managed to scrape together under the guise of helping her . Instead , she saw a crumpled piece of paper . She pulled it out and uncrumpled it . The paper contained a crudely drawn picture of a person on their knees , mouth happily open , phallus pointed at it , along with what appeared to be a phone number with $ 5 written next to it . Apparently the boy had realized she was a girl after all . She simply crumpled it up and tossed it aside . " I don 't even have a phone , " she muttered to herself . As time ticked by , she began to regret not taking Lamont 's money . For whatever reason , no one was being generous today . Maybe it was too cold , she thought . Everyone was hurrying past , their breath steaming as they kept their heads down and hands in their pockets . She was cold , too . She couldn 't feel her toes or her fingers or her cheeks . Her stomach growled . Was she colder or hungrier ? She spent a bit of time debating the issue with herself . On one ( frozen ) hand , she couldn 't feel several of her cold parts any more , while she could definitely still feel her hunger . That was a point in favor of the hunger . But the cold could hurt her much more quickly if she let it , so that was a point for the cold . In the end , she decided it didn 't matter . Being hungry and cold was a rotten combination . Having sat there for close to three hours and receiving no money , she realized today would not be her day . She could do something immediately about the cold , at least . She got up and stretched , flexing her fingers and toes and trying to restore some warmth to them . Once they were sufficiently warmed , she took out one of her remaining two cigarettes and lit it . The smoke helped warm her up some more and helped ease her hunger . It was artificial , she knew , but the gnawing at her stomach was the part that concerned her most at the moment . She 'd eaten the day before , so she wasn 't in danger of starving . As she smoked , she started walking to bring warmth back to the rest of her body . She wandered around downtown for a while , looking for a place she might properly warm herself better . Eventually , she found a busy bookstore . Glancing around to make sure no employees were watching , she dashed inside and made a beeline for the restrooms . She saw a woman enter the women 's room as she neared , so she ducked into the men 's room instead . It was thankfully empty , so she took the opportunity to turn on the hot water and run her hands beneath it . It stung painfully at first as sensation flooded her hands , but it gradually died away to a comforting warmth . She took some soap and used the opportunity to wash some grime off her hands and face . The door opened and she hung her head , trying to hide her face . The person said nothing and went to a urinal . His back was to her , so she slowly slipped around and into a stall . Luckily , the bathroom was very clean , so she locked the stall door and sat on the toilet . It didn 't have a lid , unfortunately , so it wasn 't the most comfortable seat . When the tingling started , a wave of relief washed over her . She 'd been sitting quietly in the stall for hours , dreading the point when someone realized how long she 'd been in there and came to eject her . But she wouldn 't have to wait long now . The sun was setting beneath the horizon and the city 's lights were flickering on . The transformation was both gradual and sudden . Her tattered clothes slowly cleaned and repaired themselves . Stains faded , holes closed . The prickly stubble of hair on her legs and underarms dissolved . Her skin became smooth and uniform . Suddenly , what were once dingy pants erupted into a hip - hugging skirt . Her baggy t - shirt lost its shoulders and turned into black satin with a low cut and exceptional lift . Deteriorating sneakers became shiny high - heels that looked fresh out of the box . She liked it best when her hair suddenly became clean and properly styled . The curls lifted it up off her shoulders , causing it to frame her face in a much more attractive fashion . She tossed her head back and forth , feeling the loose curls bounce freely . Her lips , which she could feel being tinged rosy red with never - fading lipstick , curled into a giddy smile . The transformation slowed after about ten minutes , once the majority of the city 's lights street lamps had come on and people already at home turned theirs on . She loved the winter because the lights turned on so early and there was much more overlap between people still at work and already at home . She snuck a peek out beneath the stall , saw that no one was in the bathroom , and confidently walked out . A woman was exiting the women 's bathroom just as she came out of the men 's . Marta just smiled at the woman , who gave her a gaping look , and walked out . The temperature had already dropped several degrees since she 'd entered the bookstore , but she didn 't feel it one bit . The city 's lights provided her with a fur coat of black mink which draped around her shoulders and reached her knees . She stroked it idly with a hand and wondered if the night would be bright enough for it to change to sable at some point . What mattered now was getting some food . Her stomach was gnawing at her . She almost laughed out loud at the absurdity of it all . She could have been mistaken for a princess , but she was as hungry as any of the city 's many homeless . Then , of course , she soberly remembered that she was one of the homeless . But when the lights came on , she was something more . She strode powerfully down the streets , drawing the enthralled looks of both men and women . They couldn 't help but look . Who was she , they whispered to each other . Some celebrity ? A model ? Someone rich and powerful , no doubt . She was a dragon to them ! No , not a dragon she thought to herself with a wry smile . She 'd met a dragon ! A real live dragon . The Prince had - Ah , but there was the Prince again , creeping into her memories . She puckered her lips sourly and wondered again why he was forcing himself into her mind at a time like this . It had been years since she 'd seen him . He was probably dead , she thought . The only way he wouldn 't have come after her was if he was dead . Good riddance . She realized the more she thought about him , the less she could manage to wear the fake smile and happy laugh that she needed if she was going to get what she wanted . She finally came to what she was looking for , a posh nightclub that was just opening its doors but already had a line down the block . There weren 't many of these in the city any more , but there were enough for her to use them . She walked right up to the head of the line . No one stopped her . No one thought about stopping her . The bouncer , a large black man with truly friendly eyes , smiled at her and waved her right on in . No one groaned or protested that she 'd been allowed inside before anyone else . They could see her . They could feel her . Even though they couldn 't name it , deep down they knew who she was . Nightclubs were holy places for those with the city 's lights . They were beacons and Marta felt even stronger inside . There were no actual changes brought on by the club ( though in the time it took her to walk there , a silver bracelet had found its way around her wrist , while her nails were glossed in black ) , but she reveled in her feeling of power . Despite being so early , music was already thumping over the speakers , filling the room with a cacophony . Pairs and trios of men and women bounced on the dance floor as multicolored lights swept over them . In a few hours , the place would be packed solid . For now , though , there were just enough for her purposes . Now she just needed to find her mark . It was this part she hated more than anything else . She drifted toward the bar , where a bartender was pouring drinks for a few early starters . She slid onto a stool and leaned back against the bar to watch the people . She let a look of disinterest slip onto her face , even though watching the people was one of the most fascinating things she could do . Look , there , a man in a brightly colored shirt who couldn 't be more than twenty . But look how he danced ! He had his butt thrust out behind him , swinging his hips back and forth , pumping his fists in circles like he was running . Who , exactly was he trying to impress like that ? And the girl who sidled over and started bumping her hips against his , why was she indulging him ? Was she actually interested in his spastic gyrations or was this simply a game to her , a way to mock him while indulging in her own over - the - top silliness ? The girl was pretty , in that generically skinny , bottle - blonde way . Marta figured it must be mockery . The poor man , who wasn 't bad looking himself , didn 't deserve to be treated like that . Marta almost wished he would walk over to her right now , so that she might spare him a few moments of shame . . . But no , he would never have the confidence to approach her . Only a certain type could muster up that courage , a man with no qualms about his own failure because he could never see them . " How you doin ' ? " a man asked as he slipped onto a stool next to Marta . Marta turned and smiled slightly at him . He was typical of her marks . Young , in his early twenties , with short hair gelled into stiff spikes , a neatly shaven goatee , fit and muscular in a way that showed he went to the gym five times a week . He wore a button down shirt with the top two buttons undone and reeked of cologne and pride . The watch around his wrist was too expensive for him , Marta knew . They always were . " I 'm a little bored , " Marta said to the man , looking away and back at the crowd to let him know that he was adding to the boredom . The bait was being wriggled in front of his face . " Bored , huh ? A pretty girl like you shouldn 't be bored , not when you 've got a man like me around . " Marta allowed herself to smirk slightly . He 'd seen the bait and was sniffing at it . " Anything you want me to do , baby , " he said with a leer evident in his voice . Marta choked down the urge to grimace . She could feel him staring at her chest , letting his gaze carry undisguised lust as long as he thought she couldn 't see it . He 'd swallowed the bait . " Buy me a drink ? " Marta asked without looking . It was easier to maintain the fiction when there still remained a chance he wasn 't completely disgusting . " Hey , bartender ! " he yelled and started snapping his fingers for the overworked bartender . " Hey , come on man , get this lady a drink , pronto ! " Then he turned back to Marta . " What 're you having , baby ? " Her shoulders shrugged just slightly . " Surprise me , baby , " she said . " I do believe the lady is too young to drink , " a shockingly familiar voice said . Marta 's eyes went wide and she turned deliberately to confirm what she already knew . The Prince , in all his splendor , was there , grinning at her mark . " Hey , bro , I was here first , " her mark said , before turning back to the bartender and snapping his fingers again , as if they could be heard over the music . " Yo ! Dude , come on , finish up with those pussies and get over here ! " The man angrily brushed his hand off and whirled . " Don 't touch me , bro , " he said angrily . " Leave me alone , " Marta said to the Prince . " Leave you alone , little girl ? " the Prince asked , feigning insult . " Why , perhaps I shall , though only to inform security that you are but a precocious seventeen . " " Dude , she said to - " her mark began before the Prince 's words sank in . " Wait , seventeen ? " He turned to Marta , his face sinking . " You 're only seventeen ? " " N - No ! " Marta blurted lamely , making it evident she was lying . She cursed herself . Seeing the Prince again , so suddenly , had flustered her terribly . The man held up his hands and backed away . " Whoa , I ain 't no pedo , " he said , eyes lingering hungrily on Marta despite his words . " You can have her , bro . " He turned and walked briskly off . Marta leveled a withering glare at the Prince , but he accepted it with a smile . He too was resplendent , wearing a fine white suit with a salmon shirt and a rich brown leather belt and shoes . As always , he wore a pair of fine leather gloves over his hands . He doffed an invisible cap to Marta . " The little girl is trying to be bigger than her britches , " he said almost tauntingly . Despite the loud music , his voice carried to her unwaveringly . The Prince laughed , a sound like someone crumpling paper , and glanced over his shoulder , though the man had already disappeared into the crowd . " A bit of a poor dinner , don 't you think ? " the Prince asked . " I remember when you dined on the city 's finest , but now you 're resorting to cannibalism . " Then he quirked an eyebrow . " Or have you , perhaps , fallen in with that lot of vampires ? " He chomped his teeth theatrically . " A bit of a bite on the neck . " He reached out and hand and just started to brush Marta 's neck . She angrily slapped the hand away , causing the Prince to pull it back and hold it delicately , as if in pain . " I was going to get him to take me to dinner , " she explained , even though she knew the Prince understood her plan . " I flirt a little , get him to take me to a nice restaurant , then I give him a fake number and disappear into the night . " The Prince snickered . " Well , come with me , little girl , and I 'll take you to a grand dinner . You won 't even have to bother with the fake number or disappearing . " The Prince laughed , though it was cut short with a cough . " A prince cannot steal what is his by right , little girl . I told you that over and over . " He grinned again , his teeth bright white , as if lit from their own light , in the dim club . Revulsion filled her from head to toe . In one stiff motion , she stood and started to walk out of the club . She could feel the Prince following her , though she didn 't look to see . Once she got out the door , she whirled on him , expecting him to be right behind her and have to stop short in order to avoid running into her . Instead , he was a respectful several feet distant . In full view of the bouncers , she yelled , " Leave me alone ! " The bouncers looked at her , then slowly turned to face the Prince . The one who had waved her in earlier asked , " This man bothering you , miss ? " " He won 't stop bothering me , " she said . She hated that she had to rely on someone else to be her watchman . But in the case of the Prince , she had no other choice . She hoped the Prince would press the matter . Instead , he did as she expected , and raised his hands in defeat . " I know when I 'm not wanted . I just wanted to wish the little girl a happy birthday . " Then he spun on his heel and disappeared back into the club . But though Marta knew nothing would make her happier than having the Prince roughed up , she knew it would be a hollow happiness . She waved the bouncer off . " No , thanks . " As she started to walk away , the bouncer called , " Is it really your birthday ? " Marta started and just now realized what the Prince had said . She glanced back over her shoulder at the bouncer and said with a sigh , " I guess it is . " Now she had to find a new place to trawl for dinner . She took off down the sidewalk . She reached into her purse ( which had appeared miraculously at some point while she was in the club , though she hadn 't noticed it until now ) and pulled out a pack of cigarettes . She smirked at that . The city 's lights worked in mysterious ways sometimes . Once the cigarette was lit and in her mouth , she took a long drag and let the smoke settle in her lungs . She knew that was terrible for her ; or should be , at least . Still could be . She didn 't know if the city 's lights could actually do anything for her health . The Prince was old , for sure , and still looked young . He never seemed to get sick . But he was the Prince ! She was just a girl . She grit her teeth so hard they started to hurt . Now her own thoughts were sounding like the Prince 's words , all those years ago . He was a Prince , she was a girl . The Prince took what was his and everything in the city was his . She angrily sucked in another lungful of smoke and forced it out in two long jets from her nose . She jumped back so far that the Prince was forced into a laughing fit , though it quickly devolved into wretched coughing . Without thinking she swung her palm at him , aiming to slap him across the face . Instead he easily caught her wrist . His grip was surprisingly soft , just strong enough to keep her from hitting him , but not enough to cause her any discomfort . After hacking a few more ragged coughs , he said , " Now now , little girl , don 't be like that . " The Prince cough - laughed again . " I remember you said similar words the night we first met . We both remember how that ended , don 't we , little girl ? " She flicked her cigarette , still half good , at him , but he effortlessly ducked to the side . " My name is Marta . Marta ! And I 'm not a little girl any more . If I scream , I will be heard . And you will be caught . " " You forget who I am , little girl . Scream all you want , I will simply walk away and no one will stop me . Now why don 't you end this foolishness and come with me . I will feed you and then we can discuss important things . " " Foolishness ? " Marta asked , flabbergasted . " Are you really that self - absorbed ? I 'm not going anywhere with you . Ever . Never ever . " For a brief moment , Marta thought she saw a flash of pain on the Prince 's face . Had her words actually wounded some small part of him ? " And why not , little girl ? Why not become my Lady again ? " She put her hand to her face , to cover her own eyes as much as anything . " Your Lady ? Don 't you understand ? You stole my childhood from me ! You stole my innocence ! And you expect me to just go with you and play whatever . . . whatever sick games you play ? You ruined my life ! I hate you . " " Yes , I know . You can 't steal what is yours to begin with . You 've told me that a thousand times , to justify everything you 've done to me and this city . " The Prince 's smile disappeared , replaced with a sad frown . " I was going to say the Prince cannot steal what was given to him freely . I never stole a thing from you , little girl . I only took what was given . I always gave you a choice . You could have refused any time . " " There was no choice ! " Marta snapped , slashing her suddenly - gloved hand through the air for emphasis . " When was there a choice ? What choice did I have beside to do what you wanted ! " " Stay with your parents , " the Prince said . " Be normal . In time , the lights would have faded from you . But you chose to come with me . And you chose to stay when you . . . ah . . . " He adjusted the knot of his tie . " When you gave me your innocence , as it were . You could have left at any time . You could have refused me and all this would have ended " " I did leave , " Marta shouted , stomping her foot for emphasis . " I left and yet here you are ! " " And yet here I am , " the Prince admitted . " Things have a funny way of working out , don 't they ? I let you go for four years , little girl . Now I have found you , to hope that you will have grown up . " At his words , she immediately felt dirty . But the Prince wasn 't leering at her . He was looking her plainly in the face , right in her eyes . She felt even dirtier because of that . He wasn 't lusting after her body , but for something deeper down inside her . Some bit of her that he still hadn 't taken and corrupted . " I have grown up , " Marta said defiantly . " And I 've decided to leave . " " Wait . " The Prince laid a hand on her shoulder and this time the grip was strong enough that she couldn 't simply break away from it . " Don 't go . " Suddenly Marta realized that she had been arguing and gesticulating strongly , on the middle of a busy sidewalk , and no one had stopped to look . No one had said anything . Everyone had just slid easily by , as if she and the Prince weren 't even there . " Let go of me , " she said softly , voice quivering with a mix of fear and anger . " I don 't want to let you go , little girl , " the Prince said , enticingly , seductively . " You are very important to me . Please , don 't go . " She angled her head so he couldn 't see her shaking lip . " I stole your lights once . " Her voice , a harsh whisper . " Don 't make me do it again . " " It doesn 't matter if you could or not . I do not fear the consequences if you do . " For a moment she almost considered listening to him . " Please , little girl . " Despite her hunger , the meal had tasted like nothing . It had filled her belly but done little else . Her mood was black , made darker by the insufferable man sitting across the table from her . He wore a short - sleeved polo with the buttons undone and a pair of khakis . The entire time they 'd been at dinner he had been talking about himself . He had large biceps but a stubborn pot belly and thinning hair . Marta pushed at the food left on her plate absently with her fork , tuning the man 's talking out . She looked around the restaurant , which was nice but not too nice , and watched the other diners . This wasn 't a place to bring a family . It was instead populated by couples . She had the good fortune to spy both an old married couple and a pair that looked to be on the first date . They were surprisingly alike in temperament . The married couple were talking softly to one another , laughing at each others ' jokes , making small comments on the food or the service or even the other diners . The man glanced Marta 's way once and she smiled at him and his wife teased him about it , causing the man to huff and puff in embarrassment . The young couple did much the same , except with more nervous energy . She could see the guy was trying to impress the girl , and the girl was trying to impress the guy . They laughed too much or too hard and kept their eyes locked on each other , except when they thought the other wasn 't looking . The guy glanced Marta 's way once and she smiled at him and he blushed and dropped his eyes back to his plate until his date looked up from her menu and they fell into each other again . She envied them their normalcy and wondered if she would ever have their fortune . Her meal ticket was saying something to her and , from his tone , she knew ignoring it was going to make him upset . " Hmm ? " Marta murmured . " I was distracted . " The man snorted and muttered " airhead " under his breath . Marta just forced on a smile as he said , " So you done yet ? I figured we 'd go back to my place . " She knew she should finish off the rest of her food . Her next meal might not come for another 24 hours , so she really should pack away as much as possible , but she just didn 't have the appetite for it . " I 'm done , " she said , then prepared her typical acting job . " But I think I 'm a bit tired . I 'm just going to head home to my place . " She reached into her purse and produced a pen and piece of scrap paper . She started to write the number the kid had given her as a joke this morning . " But if you want to call me some time , we could - " She froze and looked up at him . " What do you mean ? " she asked innocently , still playing her part . The man glared at her callously . " You get me to buy you dinner , you don 't pay attention to a damn thing I say all night , then you try to just run off once you 're done ? That 's bullshit . You owe me . " Well , playing innocent wouldn 't win her this battle . She had to take an alternate approach . She smiled ruefully at him . " Alright , let me just hit the ladies ' room first . " She stood and walked off toward the restrooms , but as soon as the man was out of sight she took a hard turn and looked for an exit . If she went through the front door , he would see her . There was the kitchen . . . With a shrug , she walked through the kitchen doors , where chefs in white jackets clamored over steaming pots and pans . A busboy spotted her and started to say something , but she just winked and held a finger to her lips and the boy fell silent , mouth agape . She walked briskly through the kitchen , toward the rear entrance , and slipped easily out into an alley behind the restaurant . As she walked out of the alley and began to head down the street , her mark shouted out , " You think you 're real fucking clever . " Marta froze and turned just in time for him to grab her wrist . His grip was hard and painful and he didn 't seem likely to let go if she asked nicely . They were on the sidewalk , so she doubted he would do anything too foolish . Even so , she felt rage building up in her . " Let me go , " she said in a voice that could make devils take pause . But the man was too busy thinking without his brain to take notice . " You 're just gonna ditch me after I bought you dinner and treated you nice ? You stingy bitch , I should - " Marta was about to make the lights explode in his face when , suddenly , there was a flash of movement . Someone grabbed the man , broke his grip on Marta 's wrist , and shoved him back . Then Marta 's hand was in a familiar leather grasp and she was being briskly walked away . Marta struggled to shake her hand free of the Prince 's grasp . " I could have handled myself , " she said . " Let go of my hand . " The Prince didn 't squeeze tighter , but he did make it difficult to break free . " Patience , little girl . Let 's get a bit more distant before we let him see us , shall we ? " Marta glanced back over her shoulder . Her mark was looking around in confusion , wondering where she had gone to . Then she saw someone from the restaurant running out , yelling at him about having not paid his bill . Marta smiled and yanked her hand away from the Prince 's . " He 's got his own problems to deal with . " " I told you I didn 't need your help , " Marta said stiffly . " So don 't think that your white knighting has me swooning over you . I told you I 'm not a little girl any more . " The Prince clucked his tongue at her . " You would have brought the lights down on him , " the Prince chided . " You remember what that did to those muggers . Or that drug pusher . Or that abusive man . Or - " Marta scowled . " I used him , but he had no right to expect anything of me . That 's the problem with men , all men . They expect women to be tools for their own pleasure , nothing else . " She leveled a withering glare at the Prince , who actually took a step back in retreat . " So I don 't owe him anything . I don 't owe you anything . " The Prince nodded slowly , but said , " I never claimed you did , little girl . " Then , just like that , he was gone . He disappeared from her view , right in front of her . Marta tried not to let her surprise show on her face , but if the Prince was still there watching , she figured he knew . Rather than dwell on it , she turned and walked off down the street . Marta spent the rest of the night in a meandering walk through the city . She didn 't pay attention to where she was going or who might be following her . She simply just walked , trying to keep her mind empty but failing spectacularly . Her mind kept drifting back to the Prince , to the good times . To the night before he stole everything from her , when he finally showed his true colors . She could never forgive the Prince for that . It was the greatest betrayal she had ever felt . She stuck around for a short time after . She knew nothing else but the Prince and her parents . And she had abandoned her parents for the Prince , so she certainly couldn 't go back to them . Her choice was solitude or the Prince . For a time she chose the Prince . Then , one day , she could take no more . Looking at him each day , as she woke huddled up with him for warmth she no longer felt , left her too sick to take it any more . While he still slept , wrapped in his rags , clinging to the dreams of the night , she quietly left his side . She 'd wandered alone for weeks , wondering if he 'd come after her , if he 'd drag her back . But he never did . One day , after she 'd been struggling on her own for two months , before she 'd figured out how to make her beauty work for her when she was desperate , ravenously eating a pile of discarded spaghetti from a dumpster , she decided to look for him again . For the whole day she sought him out , hitting every location she knew he frequented . Most of them were liquor stores . The Prince liked to drown out the day . No one had seen him in weeks , however . He 'd moved on , they told her . The homeless did that , from time to time . Drift from place to place , their roots always shallow , ready to be transplanted . She didn 't believe them , but when she returned to the abandoned building they slept in and found him missing , she gave up her search . And after a few more years , when she would ask around about him and no one knew who she talked about , she decided they must have been right . He was gone . Maybe dead , she figured , though the city 's lights burned on without him . Once again , she cursed how her thoughts had turned to the Prince yet again . She stopped blaming herself , though . He 'd reappeared into her life . What else was she supposed to think about ? He had changed her life more than anyone , even her parents . Her parents . . . It had been longer since she had seen them . Or even thought about them , with any seriousness . A knot formed in her stomach as she wondered why , even after all the Prince had done to her , she still thought more about him than her parents . Never once had she tried to find them . There was still time , she thought . The night was still young enough . She found a fire escape and climbed up it , to the roof of a building . Taking a deep breath , she remembered the lessons the Prince had taught her , lessons she had allowed to go unused for so long . She took off at a sprint , not that easy in heels , and leapt from the edge of the building . Her jump , bolstered by the strength of the city 's lights , propelled her to another building in a flash . Exhilarating . A swell of pride and excitement filled her as she moved from rooftop to rooftop , cloaked in the glow of the city 's lights . She had forgotten about this . How could she have forgotten about it ? No , she hadn 't forgotten . She 'd thrown it away , along with everything else about the Prince she could allow herself to . Silly , silly . The Prince wasn 't the city 's lights , that much was certain . He was their avatar , for sure , but so was she , just a little . Every night they reminded her about that , but she clamped her hands over her ears like a petulant child , trying to ignore them . Soon , she found herself back in her old neighborhood . The place where she had reached preadolescence , and all the consequences that came of it . The buildings were still dirty and run down though not nearly as bad as the abandoned row house she squatted in now . No windows were boarded up here . Lights shone out of windows that weren 't smashed out . She could see people inside , happy people , or at least content people . She made her way to her old apartment building , where her parents once lived . May still , she thought . Why would they move ? How could they move out ? What would she do if she found them ? Would she say something ? Would she reveal that she was their daughter , eight years missing ? Would they weep for joy or curse her ? She hadn 't heard of them trying to find her after the Prince took her away , but the Prince had carefully controlled everything she heard . Maybe there had been a desperate search , only for the Prince to keep her concealed until they just gave up . As she stood outside the building , staring up at it , someone came out the front door . It was a woman , older . Marta didn 't recognize her , but the woman saw her staring . " Can I help you with something ? " the woman asked . The woman shook her head . " I don 't recognize the name , but then I don 't know everyone inside . " " They were the white couple , " Marta said . " The only one , back when I knew them . They had a young daughter who went missing . " At the last sentence , the woman 's face broke into remembrance . " Oh , yes ! Them ! Yes , I remember them . Oh , that was such a terrible thing ! So terrible , so sad . . . " Then the woman 's eyes went wide . " Are you . . . " " Just a friend of the family , " Marta said softly . " After their daughter disappeared , I lost touch . I was just wondering what happened to them . Do you know ? " The woman looked disappointed to hear Marta wasn 't the long lost daughter . Marta had to choke back a laugh . " Well , they eventually left here . They were always arguing , you know . I could sometimes hear them from two floors down , they got so loud sometimes . Well , after their daughter got kidnapped , the fighting got even worse . " The woman shook her head . " Couple of times they had to call the police in here . Both of them got violent . He got a broken jaw , once , and she stabbed him in the shoulder another time . She got a few broken ribs , but I think she gave worse than she took most of the time . Eventually the landlord couldn 't put up with them any more and kicked them out after their lease was up . " " Oh , " Marta said softly . " So you don 't know where they went after that ? " With a smile , she said , " You helped me more than I could have hoped . Goodbye . " She started to walk away , but the woman called out to her . Marta considered her answer for a moment , before answering truthfully . " I am Marta , " she said softly . Before the woman could remember that the couple 's daughter was named Marta , she stepped into a side alley and vanished into the night . She sat solitary , staring at sickly stars sitting solemnly in the light - stained sky . She wondered if she could , like the Prince , bring the lights of the whole city down enough so she could see all of the stars . Wouldn 't that be wonderful ? And then the power of the city 's lights would be gone from her , like they 'd left the Prince until she gave them back . She closed her eyes and concentrated , willing the city 's lights to turn off , just for a moment . Just long enough for her to see the night sky as it was intended . But she couldn 't do it . Maybe she lacked the power . Maybe she simply lacked the desire , deep down in her heart . It was late at night , only an hour or so from sunrise . The city 's lights had been turning off . Only the street lamps remained on , along with those few hold outs who would literally party until the break of dawn , sleep be damned . Her exquisite clothing had decayed , though it had not yet returned to the homeless girl 's rags . Her skirt and top were simple , singularly colored black and , while not flattering , still looked good on her because she looked good regardless . Her makeup had faded . At least her teeth , which she took meticulous care of , were still pristine white . The Prince stepped out from behind a utility box , though he could have hidden right in front of her had he chosen . His own clothes had degraded themselves . A simple pair of slacks and a white shirt , with a worn leather jacket . His gloves were well - used and his shoes marked with a few scuffs . He smiled , showing that his teeth , at least , still glowed with the power of the lights . The Prince shook his head , " No , not the whole night . Only when I thought it best I stay close . That 's how it 's always been . " Despite herself , she couldn 't help but smile . " I should have figured . I always thought it was strange you didn 't come after me . " He walked next to where she was sitting , her legs dangled off the ledge . " Mind if I sit beside you ? " She waved her hand absently at the empty spot and he sat down , not close enough to be intimate , but not far enough away to be distant . " I know how hard it can be to lose your innocence , " the Prince said softly . " I lost my own , a long time ago . And let me tell you , mine was nowhere near as . . . gentle , as yours was . It took me some time to get over it as well . I figured it best to let you cope how you would . " " Not at all , " the Prince told her . " Were it up to me , you would still be in the dark about my watchful eye . I wouldn 't have come to you at all . " Marta turned to look at him and he wore a pained expression . " Then why . . . " she started , though she suddenly already knew the answer . She gasped . He answered her anyway . " I am dying , Marta . I 've been dying since the day I met you . " He laughed and it almost immediately broke into coughs . She placed a comforting hand on his shoulder , but he shook it away . " No , no . Don 't spare me pity when I knew you still hold contempt for me . " She slowly pulled her hand away . He was right , of course . " I don 't blame you for my condition , " he told her . " I was dying before I met you , though I pretended I wasn 't . But when I met you . . . Well , you were so obviously my heir . I tried to deny that , as well . You were so young ! So precocious . But I found myself drawn back to you , again and again , and each time you proved your worth to me . " When I lost the lights , I thought I had made a grave mistake . I thought I had cast aside the crown . After all , in this age , what good is royalty ? But then you found me again and placed the crown back upon my brow and . . . Well , you know the rest . " Marta shook her head . She was surprised to find she was fighting back tears . " Why didn 't you tell me before ? Why not tell me earlier ? " The Prince smiled and started to chuckle , but only coughs came out . " Would you have really come with me if you thought your savior might drop dead on you at any moment ? I had to hide the truth , until I was sure things could no longer wait . " He sighed and shuddered in the cold . " I thought your hurt would have gone well before death finally came knocking at my door . But I see him walking up the path and know there was no longer time for me to dawdle . " " Hundreds of years . The city has had lights for a long time . But ever light burns out eventually and my time is coming close . If you take on my crown , who knows . . . Your time may be a thousand years , or it may only be the rest of your natural life , or anything else . Only God can say . " For a long time , Marta sat there in silence . She thought about everything without trying to think about anything . The Prince , to his credit , allowed her to contemplate without interruption . He even choked back a cough or two in order to preserve the silence . " It is a lonely life , " Marta finally said . " It doesn 't need to be , " the Prince told her . " I chose to make it one , but you could choose different . It is all a choice , my Lady . " " And if I choose not to ? What then ? " She raised her hand and looked at the nail polish and solitary ring that , in a few hours , would fade with the sunlight . " I . . . do not know , to be honest , " the Prince said . " The line of succession is broken . The title comes to an end . The lights burn on , I am sure , but their beauty is diminished . Their power becomes mechanical , all science and no magic . " He shrugged . " Maybe that would be for the better . " The Prince smiled . " Most of them won 't be , my Lady " he admitted . Marta walked triumphantly down the street , head held high . The sunlight shone overhead . Her clothes were simple , but comfortable . Her face and hair were clean . Her shoes were new , made for walking . In the brisk Spring day , she felt she could walk forever . " Damn ! Marta , girl , is that you ? " Lamont called from across the street . She turned and smiled at him , showing off her pearly whites . " What happened , you finally find a man to take care of you ? " She laughed and shook her head , her red curls bouncing daintily with the motion . " No . I found my life , Lamont . And I realized it is full of light . " |
Vera and I both had morning flights about half an hour apart . She was heading to South Korea and I to Japan . We got on an airport limousine and were zooming down the highway . Then we hit traffic . There was nothing we could do . I made it just in time to catch my flight . They let me jump the line at the security check and I ran to my gate . I was the last person to get on the plane . I took my seat and caught my breath . When I got to the airport in Fukuoka there was a blue bin with my name on it going around the carousel . I knew that it meant that my bag was lost . Although I made the flight from China , my bag did not . I took the bin over to a counter and started filing a report . The airline officials asked me to describe my bag and its contents . It was a new bag and I could not quite remember what it looked like . It was blue and it was a backpack … " Where did you come from ? " the uniformed man asked me . " China , " I said . " You were in China the whole time ? " he asked . " I lived in Seoul for 2 years . If I were there just now , I would not have mistaken it for anywhere else . I was in Pyongyang , North Korea . The bag should have a sticker on it saying as much . " Then I pulled out a copy of the Pyongyang Times I had on me and handed it to the official . I might not know the Qingdao airport from the Beijing airport , but I know the difference between Seoul and Pyongyang . He turned to a colleague and told her what was going on in Japanese . She shook her head in disbelief . He handed her the newspaper . She took the paper and looked at the photos . She asked him something and he then asked me , " Why is the newspaper in English ? " The reactions from my co - workers when I got back was a little surprising . Before I left I found several treats left on my desk while I was in class . It was a bit more than the usual amount of surprise candy one can expect to find on one 's desk if one works in Japan . It was around the end of May when the big teacher mix - up happens so , I figured that was the reason . At the end of the school year , which in Japan is around May , teachers get reassigned schools . A teacher can expect to work about 3 years at any given school and after the 3 years , the teacher can be moved to any other school in the prefecture . People get weepy and nostalgic and they tend to give each other gifts to say goodbye and thanks . I did get more stuff than the other teachers , but it was my last year so I didn 't give it anymore thought . When I entered the teachers ' office on my first day back I heard a sigh of relief from some of my co - workers . One even came up to me and said , " Oh you 're back , wow ! We were worried about your trip . " In China Vera and I found a shop that sold the same fruit candy stuff the twins had . We bought some for our co - workers . They were a big hit with the teachers . They would take one and walk over to my desk and ask questions about my trip and thank me for the candy . The treats I brought them from North Korea did not get eaten so quickly . I teach at two schools and the Chinese candies disappeared quickly at both schools , but the North Korean candy just sat there . I had one more meeting with the principal . He wanted to hear all about my trip . He remembered the questions I had about North Korea when I spoke in previous meetings . " So , what is North Korea like ? " he asked through a translator . " It 's a weird place filled with contradictions and propaganda . People have to appear to hold facts in their hearts that do not stand up to any scrutiny . Some of them seem very curious about the world outside North Korea . " " They are very slim . The only non - skinny person I saw there was the Dear Guide . He was quite an anomaly . Other than that , they look just like South Koreans or the Chinese only slimmer and shorter . " " North Korea 's food is like South Korean food , only not as spicy or flavorful . I much rather the food in South Korea , China , or Japan to the food in North Korea . Their pizza , however , is great ! " Our last night in North Korea Vera and I stayed up a little talking about the day 's events . We talked about the famine and the ludicrous government . I had just started naming many of the inadequacies of the DPRK when Vera said that maybe we should wait until we got to China before we took this conversation any further . " I mean , " she whispered , " what if this room is bugged ? " " Vera , " I said , " have you not noticed how nothing in this country works properly ? First of all , if they are going to bug someone , why would they pick backpackers with a budget tour company ? I don 't know any secrets . I don 't even know people who know people who know secrets . Besides , even if the room were bugged , the bugs probably stopped working like the lock to the door of our first hotel room . " By Saturday morning I was ready to leave North Korea . It was a timely departure ; not too soon and not too late . I had spent just enough time in the DPRK . Some on our tour would stay and travel north to see other DPRK sights , but I was not jealous of any of them . My only regret was that I had to go back to China instead of going straight home to Japan . I packed my bag with my freshly laundered clothes and Vera and I made our way to the basement for breakfast . It was the first calm breakfast I had in days . In the restaurant , were only the people from my tour . All other tourists were rushed out hours earlier being told that their schedules were changed and that they were now running late on their new itineraries . I got on the bus and sat in my seat thinking over everything I had seen in the DPRK . Then I heard something strangely familiar , yet out of context . I sat there thinking about it . It was music , a song , a pop song … A K - POP SONG ! It was Gangnam Style by Psy ! I stood up to look around the bus . Where was that coming from . I wasn 't the only one ; five other people were asking each other where the music was coming from . Then we saw a guy in the back with his index finger over his lips asking us to keep this secret . Next to him was a North Korean guide . The guide was staring intently at the guys phone with wide eyes and making cooing noises in amazement . When he noticed that more people were looking his way , he put the phone in his pocket . Ms . Lee entered the bus and gave everyone back their passports . I had forgotten that I had given it away . " What do you think they were doing with all the passports ? " Phone guy asked . " Making copies to improve their spy program , " another guy answered . Ms . Lee asked for our attention . " We are running late . There are two problems . One , there is a towel missing . If you have taken a towel from the hotel by accident , please return it . " She paused to see if anyone would admit to taking the towel . When no one responded she continued . " The second thing is … has anyone seen Steve ? " Steve was not in Group A and I did not know what he looked like . Most of the people on the bus were from Group A and also didn 't know which guy from Group B Steve was . Phone guy took out his phone to show everyone a picture of Steve from the night before . There were about 6 photos of Steve . In all of them Steve was drinking heavily and as Phone guy scrolled through his pictures you could see Steve getting more and more drunk . The last photo of Steve was in the bowling alley . " That 's the last I saw of him , " Phone guy said , " around 2 : 00 this morning . " The western guide for Group B ran onto the bus and asked if anyone knew who was Steve 's roommate . " Steve didn 't have a roommate , " Phone guy told him . " Crikey , " the guide said . " We 've been calling his room and no one is answering . " " If we don 't find him soon we 'll be late for our flight , " one worried tourist said . " I 'm sure they 'll hold the flight for us , " another person replied , " What else do they have to do today ? " The towel thing was never resolved . There were threats to search everyone 's bags , but it was never carried out . Someone suggested that maybe Steve stole it in a drunken rage and ran away in shame , but the Koreans were in no mood for jocularity . Eventually a maid , in search of the missing towel , opened Steve 's room to find him passed out on the floor . The two western guides were called up to his room to get his stuff packed and deliver him to the door of the bus going to the airport . Steve walked down the aisle of the bus beet red , unshaven , unwashed , still smelling of booze , and still in the clothes from yesterday as shown by Phone guy 's phone photos . We were taken to the airport . We all stood by the luggage carousel waiting for our plane to start boarding . It felt a little odd . Usually you check in , go through security check , and then wait for the plane to start boarding . But here , it did not happen in that order . We walked through security check first ; everyone did . Our Korean guides who were not leaving the country went in first . Our western guides were both taking the train back to Beijing , so we were on our own once we passed the gate . Once our passports were checked and not stamped , we walked out the door and onto a bus . We stood on the bus and wondered which plane we would be taking . " As long as it 's not the plane that was smoking when we landed here , " someone said . Then the bus drove us right over to that very plane , or at least one that looked just like it and was parked in the very spot the smoking plane was a few days ago . There were these really tall and thin North Korean guys posing for photo after photo in front of the plane . I thought they were part of a DPRK basketball team at first since they wore running shoes with their suits . But , then I noticed one of them writing that he was a diplomat on his landing card . Their clothes were too big and too small for them at the same time . They were swimming in their suits , but ankles and wrists were inelegantly exposed . I sat next to one of the lanky guys on the plane . His knees jotted out so far that he was practically wedged in between his seats and the guy 's in front of him . He squealed a little when the guy in front of him reclined his chair . I asked him if he spoken any English and he said , " Nu aye dun 't . " I think this was his first plane ride because he kept watching me and followed what I did , like when I pulled the tray table down for lunch . When we were given landing cards I filled mine out . He pulled out a piece of paper with the responses he was to give written in Roman script , but he did not have a pen . I asked him if he wanted to borrow my pen , but he didn 't understand me . I handed him the pen . It was a small pen I got when I signed up for internet service back home and it said " Yahoo BB Japan " in friendly letters . He thanked me in English and took one suspicious look at the pen before filling out his card and handed the pen back to me . Shortly after we were airborne it was lunch time . This time when we were served " hamburgers " I ate the whole thing . It wasn 't so bad this time . My lanky row mate seemed completely indifferent to the food . He was more interested in the movements his chair could make and all the buttons around him . It was cathartic . For the most part we all held back on expressing our opinions and views during the trip . Most of us never corrected anything we were told and went along with whatever crazy story with nothing more that a slight whisper to one or two other people . At the airport we let it all out . Then we all went our separate ways . I had reservations to return to the hostel we stayed in before we went to North Korea , but I did not want to go back there . Vera booked one night at a placed called Sitting on the City Walls . I thought that anything would be better than the dump we were in before so I followed her hoping to get a room for the night . After checking into Facebook and emailing family and friends to tell them that we were safely back in China , we searched the internet for something to do . There was nothing we could think of . I 'm sure that Beijing has lots of things to do , but we wanted something hassle - free transportation - wise that we had not seen or done before . The food was good . It was the best thing we had tasted in days ! I don 't remember if I was able to finish all my food , but I do remember feeling a little sick afterwards . " And we were in North Korea for just 5 days ; imagine being stuck there for months , " I told Vera as we dived into the buffalo wings . " I just wish I could get Ms . Lee and Intern Kim out to show them China , " Vera said . " If they could only see China and how great it is over here compared to the DPRK . I 'm not even talking about America or Japan ; just China . " " I think they know , Vera . They must know that life is better almost anywhere other than North Korea coming into contact with so many tourists . But knowing the truth and being able to do anything about it are two different things . " The laws about who can get a visa to the DPRK change often . At the time of our trip , the Japanese were allowed in , but the Chinese were not . But , South Koreans are never allowed in . Korean - Americans , however , are welcomed , if they use their US passport for entry . The Yanggakdo Hotel is not the only hotel in town . Neither is it the only functioning hotel in town . But it is the one in which any tourist in Pyongyang will most likely be staying . There is a long list of websites that cannot be accessed while in China . Facebook and parts of Wikipedia are just two of them . As with everything , there are ways around it . There are sites that will let you get to Facebook and other sites for free for about 15 minutes , then you will have to pay . My advice is to find a few of them and use them for free . Then use them again on a different computer . If you are in China for a long time , then you might want to invest in paying for the service . Ask friends living in China for the best deals . I spent most of Sunday walking around Tiananmen Square . I had visited Beijing before and there was nothing I really wanted to see again . The only thing I would have been interested in would have been the museum near the dig site in which Peking Man was found . When I looked online for the directions to the museum I saw that it was a 3 ~ 4 hour journey that involved a train and several bus transfers . I opted , instead , for an afternoon nap . When I woke up I went to the hostel 's bar to buy a bottled water and to use the wi - fi . I thought I would just email Vera to tell her that I would be at the hostel 's bar and she should meet me there . As I walked down the hallway I saw her . By complete coincidence , she was put into the very same room I was . Vera asked me where I had been eating during my stay . I sheepishly told her that I had mostly been patronizing the Yoshinoya right under the hostile . The food was good , but most of all the lady who worked there was really nice to me . She would talk to me and didn 't seem at all bothered by the fact that I could not understand a word she said . One thing that Vera wanted to see was the night market near the Forbidden City . After dinner we walked along the outer walls to the market . It was as colorful as it was crowded . At one point there were so many people pushing towards us that we got swepped away from each other . We tried to hold hands as we walked down the street , but people kept being caught in our arms . So , we just let the crowd take us where it wanted . After a while we were deposited to a less crowded area of the street where actually buying things seemed less like an impossibility . On our way back to the hostel we passed a set of very beautiful doors . We wanted to go closer to the doors and take photos of ourselves in front of them . They looked like they would open onto the Forbidden City ; it was the right neighborhood for it . As we approached , a soldier stepped out and told us , " NO . " Then he politely motioned us to leave the area . I turned to Vera and said , " We should get used to that . We 're going to get a lot of it in the next few days . " The next day Vera and I walked around Beijing . We went to a bookstore and ate sandwiches . I don 't remember what all we were up to that morning , but we had to be back at our hostel by 14 : 00 for our Young Pioneer Tour group meeting where we would meet our Western tour guides for the first time . This was where we got our North Korean visas and were given the rules to follow on the tour . The meeting was not as intense as I thought it would have been . The tourists in the group ranged from backpackers , to a retired couple , from Americans and Europeans , to some Hong Kongese , but most everyone lived in Asia . We were told not to take photos when we are asked to put our cameras away . In North Korea we can buy things with US dollars , euros , or Yuan ; dollars and euros are prefered . We are allowed to ask questions , but only to the North Korean tour guides . " If you 're not sure if your question is safe to ask , ask one of us ( Western guides ) first . Do not talk about religion . If you have a bible , leave it in China . " The tour guides told us about a woman who had a copy of The Aquariums of Pyongyang . Once in North Korea she held up her book to ask if it was okay that she had brought it in . " ' Just keep it in your backpack and don 't talk about it , ' we had to tell her . " Along with bibles and books like The Aquariums of Pyongyang , we were told not to bring in anything with GPS capability . Several hands shot up , but before anyone could ask questions the tour guide responded . " They don 't turn anything on to check . If your camera has " GPS " written on it , just put some tape or a sticker over the letters . " Computers , cell phone , tablets , and mp3 players are now all okay to bring to the DPRK . That was great , because I had my Acer tablet with wi - fi and GPS capability . It was the reason Vera and I did not get lost earlier in the day . But , it could not find any satellites the whole time we were in North Korea ; I checked constantly . We were given advice on what gifts we should take with us to give the Korean tour guides . " You should give them things that are hard to get in North Korea like bananas or sweets . " I had several bars of Meiji Chocolates from Japan ; both the milk and dark chocolates . They also like cigarettes with Marlboro being the most desired brand . Later I went with Vera to a shop next to the hostel for her to buy some treats for the North Korean guides . She picked up some Choco Pies and asked me if she should buy them . Personally , I hate Choco Pies . So , I suggested that she get some Kit - Kats instead . Later I read about how Choco Pies are so beloved in North Korea that they have become a hot commodity on the black market . Now I feel bad for talking Vera out of buying them . There is a long list of websites that cannot be accessed while in China . Facebook and parts of Wikipedia are just two of them . As with everything , there are ways around it . There are sites that will let you get to Facebook and other sites for free for about 15 minutes , then you will have to pay . My advice is to find a few of them and use them for free . Then use them again on a different computer . If you are in China for a long time , then you might want to invest in paying for the service . Ask friends living in China for the best deals . I tried to talk Mark into coming with me . But , being born in South Korea , Mark had no interest . The day I left I hugged him goodbye and he looked quite sad . " Don 't be silly Mark . They will want to keep their North Korean bloodline pure . If anything I would be force to marry the son of one of those American defectors . " I took the bus to Fukuoka and headed to the airport . I like being in airports and not missing my flights so I usually go to the airport several hours before I need to . I checked - in with about 3 hours to wait before my flight . I found the best reasonably priced restaurant and sat down for a meal . I was about halfway through lunch when I saw some braids bobbing around the restaurant entrance . I didn 't want to be one of those people who thinks she knows every foreigner on Kyoshu , but those braids looked familiar . Just to be sure I stepped outside the restaurant and loudly whispered , " Rhianna " . She turned around . It was Rhianna ! We ate lunch together and talked for about an hour . She was heading to Bali and her flight left before mine . When my seat section was called I boarded the plane . As I walked down the aisle to my seat I heard my name . There was so much going on with people stowing away their carry - ons and talking I could not tell who had called me . " Josie ! Over here . " There sitting in 14C was Monica . There was no time to explain . The line of people behind me needed me to go forward . It was a quick flight and I figured I would get to talk to her at the airport . When the plane landed she waited for me on the tarmac and we got into a shuttle bus together . I looked out the window at the airport to which we just arrived , it looked smaller than I remembered it . The last time I was here the Beijing airport looked a lot busier . I looked at my ticket and my flight itinerary . The ticket was in Japanese , but I could see that there was a stop before Beijing . I got the ticket when I checked - in that morning at Fukuoka airport . The itinerary , which I printed when I bought the ticket back in February , said it was a non - stop flight to Beijing . There was no mention of a Qingdao . Monica and I followed the crowd of people into the immigration area . We stood in a random line and tried to see what everyone else was doing . This crowd was now more than just the people from our plane . We weren 't sure if this was passport control or not . A man saw us and figured we were not Chinese . He pointed us to the non - Chinese line . We thanked him and stood in the correct line . " There 's a paper we have to fill out . Everyone else has one , " I told her . We both got a copy of the form and filled it out . We were the very last people to go through passport control . We looked around for our fellow passengers , but we couldn 't find them . " Do you think they would leave us ? " she asked . " Maybe . " Just then a lady with a sign passed us . She saw us looking lost and turned to us holding up her sign . Our flight number was on the sign . When we smiled with recognition , she beckoned us to follow her . Everyone was waiting for us . We found an English speaker who happened to be a JET working in Nagasaki . He thought that we would have some insight as to what the heck was going on . " Why did we just get off the plane ? " I suggested that maybe Beijing 's airport was really busy and this one was not , so they do the passport check here . But really , I don 't know . We went through a maze set up to keep us apart from other passengers at the airport . Our tickets were checked , carry - on items scanned again , and our bottled waters ( which were given to us on the plane ) were taken away . We then re - boarded the plane . Back in 2007 when I was packing to go to Korea the first time , my mom came into my room and sat on my bed . " Are you excited to go to Korea ? " she asked . " Yes , but I don 't really know much about South Korea . I hope I like the food there . " My mother thought for a moment and said , " I don 't know much about South Korea either . I only know that my father was in prison there for 13 months when I was a kid . But it might have been North Korea … " Although I didn 't know much about South Korea at the time , I had lived in Japan when North Korea kept launching missiles in Japan 's direction . I knew North Korea had a habit of kidnapping Japanese people . And I had seen Team America . I knew that being a prisoner in North Korea was no joke . My grandfather 's name was Burly Carmichael Reid . I don 't know that much about him . He was not a great father . I remember meeting him 2 or 3 times . Even though he was nice to me , I got the feeling that most people thought he was a jerk . He was born in British Honduras , a place that is now the country of Belize , in 1908 or 1910 . His father was an American and his mother , a Belizean . He was orphaned at the age of 3 when both his parents died in a car accident . He was raised by an aunt . He had 8 children , all with my grandmother though they never married . As far as anyone knows , he had no other kids . He traveled a lot . He worked on ships and would send money , pictures , and gifts back to Belize for his kids . My mom told me that once when she was small , her family got a box from Japan . Inside were beautiful slippers and robes for her and her sister . The slippers and robes were too small though . He did not know the girls ' sizes . What I know is what my mom told me . This is information she got when she was a very young child so it might not be completely correct . Her father got a job on an American merchant ship . The ship was in waters near either North or South Korea . Either North or South Korea took possession of the ship and its crew and held it for 13 months . Once I got to Beijing , the real Beijing , Monica and I parted ways and I checked into the crappiest hostel in all of China . I only chose it because it was the hostel were my tour group would meet up and the hostel I wanted was fully booked . I got something to eat at a Japanese fast food place ( I know … ) and walked around a bit before heading to bed . I had the room all to myself . I woke up early the next morning so I decided to walk to Tiananmen Square to see Mao . I didn 't want to be bothered with having to use the locker so I left everything in my room that could not fit into my back pockets . I took only my Japanese driver 's license ( sometimes they ask for ID ) , about $ 20 in yuan , and a light jacket . I got there just as the mausoleum opened . There was no line . I walked passed the entrance hall and the giant Mao statue . Since there were not many people there I was not rushed along . I was able to stand and look at Mao for as long as I wanted . I stood there staring at Mao . He had a great life . He killed so many people and he loved it . Many people still love him , though they wouldn 't if they really knew him . He was a horrible man . There is a long list of websites that cannot be accessed while in China . Facebook and parts of Wikipedia are just two of them . As with everything , there are ways around it . There are sites that will let you get to Facebook and other sites for free for about 15 minutes , then you will have to pay . My advice is to find a few of them and use them for free . Then use them again on a different computer . If you are in China for a long time , then you might want to invest in paying for the service . Ask friends living in China for the best deals . All of these things are close together . Well , close if you 're used to walking a lot . They are all right next to each other . But because they are really big , it might be a 20 minute walk to go from the Mao Mausoleum to The Forbidden city . You will have to walk though . Go to Qianmen Subway station . The nearest attraction will be the mausoleum . You can 't bring anything in the mausoleum with you , so you 'll have to walk to the baggage check area first . But sometimes they ask for ID so keep that in your pocket . It 's free to see Mao . But if you have stuff , it will cost you to put it in a locker . You pay based on how many bags you have , how big the bags are , and how many electronic devices you have in the bags . The lines at the baggage check can get long , so it might be better , if you are in a group , to have only half of your group go see Mao while the rest watch the bags . Tiananmen Square is an open area and therefore always available . * * Update : The last time I was in Beijing there was a security check that people needed to pass through to get to the grassy area . This security check does shut down in the late evening and opens back up early in the morning before the mausoleum does . You can still walk around the area when the security check is closed , just not in the main part . We went to the Beijing Railway station , on subway line 2 , to catch the Trans Mongolian Express to Ulaanbaatar . While we were waiting for the train , some officials rounded up some people and made them weigh their luggage . Oddly , only Chinese people were ordered to weigh in . When we got on the train , we discovered that the beds had no sheets . They came by later and gave us sheets and took our tickets . We had a standard class berth with 4 beds . But since there wasn 't a 4th person in our berth , we put all our stuff on the extra bed . In our exploration of the train , we saw that the first class berths had 2 beds and a bathroom . However , there was no shower . The bathroom is shared by 2 compartments . I 'm not sure if they get refilled with TP . There were also electrical outlets in the aisle of the train for the standard class berths . First class has an outlet in the compartment . I put my mp3 player to charge in the walkway area and sat near the door of the compartment to keep an eye on it . The outlets are the F or C socket types . At Datong , the train stopped to pick up more passengers . This gave us an opportunity to buy food . We bought some cup noodles and fruit . They were also selling some freshly baked ( maybe fried ) bread , but some Chinese guys ran off the train , pushed their way to the cart , and bought ALL of the bread from all the vendors . I guess they had taken this trip before and knew the bread would sell out quickly . Very few novice riders were fast enough to get any of the bread . In some cars there was a bathroom that was hidden behind an open door at one of the ends of the car . Most people missed it and therefore the TP there lasted longer . It also stayed clean throughout the whole trip . We stopped at the border between China and Mongolia for passport control . As soon as we pulled into the station the officials came by every compartment to check under the beds and take our passports . Everything was very serious and they all seemed to hate their jobs , their lives , and everyone on the train . I could imagine all of officials going home to beat their wives or husbands , scream at their kids , and kick their dogs . We were in Erlian for about 8 hours . For the first 2 hours we just sat on the train as the train kept moving back and forth . Later we found out that they were changing the dining car . Every country has its own dining car that goes from border to border . I wanted to get off the train , but my mom wanted to take all her important stuff with her . While she unpacked and repacked her things the train conductors open and then closed the doors . So we were stuck on the train . The train pulled into the " garage " and the next 4 hours were spent lifting the train up and pulling the wheels out . They slid smaller or maybe bigger … I don 't remember now wheels under the train . During these 4 hours there was no electricity so no fan and the bathrooms were all locked . The Trans Mongolian trains have no a / c . All you get is a tiny blue wall fan . This would have been a great time for me to pull out my own personal fan , but I didn 't bring one . The last two hours were spent back at the station where everyone who left got back on board and we waited for them the give us back our passports . Apparently they got to roam around the town with no passports . They also got to buy stuff and use the bathroom . When we passed the actual China / Mongolia border there was a little Chinese soldier standing guard with his guns making sure the Mongolians don 't sneak into China . There were no Mongolian soldiers on the other side . I don 't think the Mongolians spend too much time worrying about the Chinese . Maybe they 're too busy sneaking into China . At the Chinese border everyone had official looking uniforms . Even the janitor had a couple of stripes on his sleeves . But in Mongolia , only the lady who took our passports wore a uniform . The mood in Mongolia seemed a lot lighter than in China . The officials were laughing and making jokes before they got on the train . Once on the train they acted quite serious , almost like they were pretending to be Chinese border officials . Once they got off the train they continued with their merriment . The next morning one of our rest stops was in the town of Choyr . There wasn 't much to buy . In fact there was only a 12 - year - old boy and his friend selling un - cold water . Of course , we bought 2 bottles . On this trip I didn 't drink as much water as I should have . But drinking enough water means peeing a lot … peeing in public bathrooms … dirty public bathrooms ! Here we met the statue of Cosmos , the first and only astronaut of Mongolia . I know what you 're thinking … " How fortunate for him that he was born a ' Cosmos ' " . Some time ago , the Russians decide to Russianize Mongolia . The first thing that they noticed was that most Mongolians didn 't have a family name . So they made it mandatory for everyone to get a last name . Most people looked at their family tree to find one . It turns out that a lot of people are related to Genghis Khan . Other people either couldn 't find a suitable ancestor , or just wanted to be creative and made up their own last name . 1 . A photocopy ( colored if possible ) of every important document you have or need ; passport picture pages , visa pages , prescriptions or medication labels . If it is something that you cannot live without or something that might be hard to describe in another language like an inhaler ; take a picture of it and bring it . You should also keep a scanned or e - version of everything on an SD card and online . You can always e - mail them to yourself to keep everything in one place . 2 . Toilet paper / wipes and hand sanitizer or soap . Just assume that nowhere has toilet paper and that you will need to wipe down everything you touch . You don 't need to bring tons of TP and wipes since you can buy them at general stores on your trip , just bring enough to get you through a day or two . 3 . A small memory card with important information on it . You never know when they this might come in handy . Since I travel a lot and get jobs around the world , I keep a copy of my resume on my tiny memory stick . ( I actually got my job in Korea while on this trip . I did my interview while waiting at a train station in Paris . ) Just make sure you have some type of reader for it ; a camera , some mp3 players , or a card reader . 4 . Travel Insurance . I use worldnomads but there are plenty out there . Shop around and find the best price for you . Also scan the receipts for everything you are taking that can be claimed with your insurance . That way you can file a claim while still on your trip if some misfortune befalls you . You can upload documents to Mediafire . com or google documents , that way everything you need for your trip is in one place or you can always e - mail them to yourself . Mediafire is free and your files are saved as long as you log in at least once a month . Make sure you set your file as private unless you want to share it . 5 . Drugs . Bring cold , diarrhea , constipation , pain , allergy , and whatever medicine you need . You can buy these drugs in every country you visit , but when you 're sick and in a country where you don 't speak the language you might not be in the mood to find a pharmacy and search through new brands of drugs written in Russian . Just make sure that it is legal to bring your drugs into the country . ( You cannot bring Sudafed into Japan . ) 6 . Get your shots . This might seem like going overboard , but isn 't it better to be safe ? Then you can eat whatever mystery soup is given to you without worrying about contracting hepatitis B . 8 . Duct tape . You don 't have to bring a whole roll . Just enough to quickly patch a backpack . You can re - roll it as the guy in this link does . There are many reasons to bring some along . 9 . A few dry bags . You can buy them online , at a Wal - mart , or at Target . If you don 't have any you can also use zip - lock bags but , they tend to get holes in them after a while . I use dry bags to keep my electronics in . If something wet spills on your backpack , or you get caught in the rain , or you drop your stuff in water , you can at least rest assured that your gadgets will be okay . 10 . A swim suit . This is obvious when you are headed somewhere like Bali . But I would bring my swim suit even on a ski trip . There have been so many times when someone traveling with me had to buy an overpriced and tacky swim suit because they didn 't think they would need one on a non - beach / non - pool related trip . 11 . Clothes for crazy weather . If you 're headed somewhere warm , bring one light sweater and a pair of warm socks . If you 're going to a cold place , bring one pair of shorts and a t - shirt . 12 . Cash Money ! Bring 3 times the cash you think you will need . And , get a bank account from a bank with international ATMs for emergencies . In my case , I use Ally , which has no ATMs of its own ; any ATM worldwide can be used to get money without fees from Ally . Once in Beijing , I met my Mom , whom I hadn 't seen in almost a year , and my brother , whom I hadn 't seen in a year and a half . It wasn 't until my plane landed in Beijing that I wondered how I would find my mom and brother . I knew they would be flying in from LAX , but I didn 't know the flight number or what time the flight would get into Beijing . I didn 't even know if it was a morning or afternoon flight . I thought that the best thing for me to do was to find a computer somewhere in the airport , email them telling them to meet me at the gate 12 or something , then just wait for them for however long it took . I had just gotten through the passport check and was fishing around in my purse for internet money when I heard my name . I looked up and saw my mom . My brother was still in line and came walking over about 5 minutes later . We took a bus from the airport to the Qianmen subway station . We stayed at the Qian Men Hostel , the same place I stayed when I was in Beijing a month ago . Normally , to buy a ticket on the Trans Mongolian Express , you just call up an agent . They would run down to the ticket office , purchase the ticket or tickets for you , and then mail it to your hotel in China . But because of the Olympics , all international train tickets had to be purchased first hand by at least one of the passengers and within two weeks of the departure date . So this was one of the first things we did on our first full day in China . I was a little nervous that something would go wrong and we wouldn 't be able to get train tickets , but I didn 't let my mom or brother know . Ninety percent of the time , something will go wrong when travelling through China . But for the first few hours at the start of this day , everything went fine . There are many scams that are run on tourists . Tourists are often identified by the clothes they wear , their cameras , and they 're standing around tourist attractions instead of going to work . Here is an example of one of the many scams that we encountered while in China . I call it " The Art Student Scam . " After buying our tickets to Mongolia , we headed towards the Forbidden City . Along the way , we met a young man who said he was an art student . We had a long conversation with him and he taught us some Mandarin . His story was that he was going to Europe to sell his paintings and he just wanted to show some of them to us . We were flattered . Obviously this guy could see that we knew art , so we followed him to his teacher 's studio where his paintings were on display . They were nice . His teacher , the great salesman , tried to get us to buy some paintings . The teacher told us that the student needed to sell some paintings here , so he can afford the plane ticket to sell more paintings in Europe . I have no money ; neither do I want to carry a fragile painting around Mongolia and Europe so , I didn 't buy one . My soft - hearted brother bought one to help the " poor " student get to Europe . But the teacher wanted him to buy four for better " feng shui " . If I remember right , my brother ended up buying two . ( He says his feng shui has not suffered for lack of symmetry . ) Later , when we were in the Forbidden City another " student " wanted to show us her art . She too was going to Europe to sell her paintings and needed to raise some money by selling paintings . When we saw the art , it looked suspiciously just like the art the first " student " had " painted " . Those sneaky " students " ! ! ! It 's a great deal they have there , at the Mausoleum . It is free to get in , but if you want , you can buy a flower for comrade Mao at the Mao Mausoleum ( Maosoleum ? ) . Then , you place it at the foot of the statue of Mao . I 'm sure , they put these same flowers back for sale when no one is looking . You also have to pay to put your stuff in lockers , because Mao hates bags . We walked up and along the Great Wall . I was hoping that it would be more spiritual , walking along this very old wall with so much history beneath my feet . But it was way too crowded for me to get into any mood of tranquility or oneness with anything . On our way down we passed a bear garden . There were some poor pathetic looking bears on display . Their owners were selling corn and fruit to tourists so that they , the tourist , could toss some food at the bears . By the looks of the scrawny bears , that might be the only food they get . Reading through my Lonely Planet book , that great source of half - information , I saw an entry about an underground city . Mao had it built because he feared the Russians and their nuclear weapons . It was a secret when it was built and it apparently is still a secret because nobody could give us directions to it . No one had any idea what we were talking about . The Lonely Planet book for China didn 't mention anything about it having more than one entrance . It had one location for an entrance given in map form and another location given in address form . But the book gave the impression that they were both the same place . It confused us . Eventually , we decided to look for the street address and found it quickly . Of course , first we followed some old lady on a bike who claimed to know where it was . She actually wanted us to buy Mao 's little red book from her and took us on a wild goose chase . Unfortunately , it was closed and under reconstruction for safety reasons . We were told to come back in a few months . We were all quite disappointed . But if you go to Beijing after September 2009 , be sure to check it out and tell me how great it is . After that , we went to The Lama Temple . As I have said before , to me , ALL temples look the same . The Lama temple is no exception . Same , Same . But it did come with a little CD of nice " Lama " music . We went to the Heavenly Temple Park , but we didn 't see the Heavenly Temple . We were tired of temples . They all look alike anyway . We were more interested in the people at the park . This park is where the happy people go to hang out , play games , dance , show off what they can do , or learn to do something new . It was wonderful watching folks teaching each other how to dance , do tai chi , or fight . Happy city people warm my heart ! After the park , we took a public bus to the Summer Palace . It was a really hot day and going to where the kings of ancient China went to cool off seemed like a great idea . It was a little cooler there and very beautiful … so beautiful that it didn 't look real . It was a great place to spend our last day in China . There is a long list of websites that cannot be accessed while in China . Facebook and parts of Wikipedia are just two of them . As with everything , there are ways around it . There are sites that will let you get to Facebook and other sites for free for about 15 minutes , then you will have to pay . My advice is to find a few of them and use them for free . Then use them again on a different computer . If you are in China for a long time , then you might want to invest in paying for the service . Ask friends living in China for the best deals . All of these things are close together . Well , close if you 're used to walking a lot . They are all right next to each other . But because they are really big , it might be a 20 minute walk to go from the Mao Mausoleum to The Forbidden city . You will have to walk though . Go to Qianmen Subway station . The nearest attraction will be the mausoleum . You can 't bring anything in the mausoleum with you , so you 'll have to walk to the baggage check area first . It 's free to see Mao . But if you have stuff , it will cost you to put it in a locker . You pay based on how many bags you have , how big the bags are , and how many electronic devices you have in the bags . The lines at the baggage check can get long , so it might be better , if you are in a group , to have only half of your group go see Mao while the rest watch the bags . Tiananmen Square is an open area and therefore always available . * * Update : The last time I was in Beijing there was a security check that people needed to pass through to get to the grassy area . This security check does shut down in the late evening and opens back up early in the morning before the mausoleum does . You can still walk around the area when the security check is closed , just not in the main part . There are many ways to get to the Great Wall since the wall is so … great . These are directions to get to the Badaling Entrance , where most tourists go . ( Most tourists go to this entrance because it is the most accessible entrance . ) Take the subway to Jishuitan station ( 积水潭站 ) on the circle line . I don 't remember what exit we took , but the place to get the bus was right next to the Deshengmen gate ( 德胜门 ) . So ask someone how to get to the gate when you are at the subway station . Don 't get on any of the buses until you get to Deshengmen gate ; the gate is a walkable distance from the subway station . SCAM : There are local 919 buses , that do not go all the way to the Great Wall and there are fake 919 buses that give tours and cost 400 Yuan . If you find someone who tells you that there are no public or non - tour buses to the Great Wall they are liars ! We found one such man . The buses at the Deshengmen gate are big , green , and costs 12 Yuan , at the time this post was written , to get to the Badaling entrance and they leave as soon as they are full . The next one is right behind it . So you 'll always be right on time for a bus . If you don 't feel like walking up the hill to the wall , it 's better to take the coaster up . You buy the ticket where the 919 drops you off . It 's 30 Yuan one way and 60 Yuan round trip . Then you walk straight pass the bear garden . Yes BEAR ; not Beer . First get a map and go to Qianmen station , then head East , as if you are going to Chongwenmen subway station . Use one of the addresses below and try not to get lost . Do not buy anything , take any offers for a ride , or follow any little old ladies riding on a bicycle . When I got to the Lang Dong Bus Station , a bus to Hanoi was just pulling out . I bought a ticket on the next bus and went downstairs to the KFC and had breakfast . I got some water and snacks from one of the " mini - mart " stands near the waiting area . I made sure that I was the first person on the bus . I might have even annoyed the gate attendant by constantly asking , " Can I get on the bus now ? " I wanted a seat in the front row . If this bus were to crash , I wanted to see it coming . Before we pulled out of the station they handed everyone a bottle of water and a barf bag . Then they played a Hong Kong action / comedy with English subtitles . I couldn 't watch it because reading on buses makes me nauseous , but at least it wasn 't one of those horrible loud music videos . Before traveling to China I went to my bank in Korea and got some money changed into yuan , euros , and pounds . They didn 't have any dong or tögrög ( Mongolian money ) . But at the border , right before going through the Chinese immigration check , there were money changers . They surrounded us and told us about the great rate they would give us . They spoke in Chinese , English , Vietnamese , and French . I thought about changing some yuan into dong there , but there were so many of them and they were yelling at me all at once . It was a bit intimidating and I wasn 't sure about how legal changing money on the street was . ( In many countries changing currency while not inside a bank is illegal . ) So I entered Vietnam with no dong to my name . The Chinese border is on the eastern end of Pingxiang . There we got off the bus and into a glorified golf cart , provided by the bus company . It drove us up to the entrance of the Chinese immigration building . We went in , filled out a form , and stood in line . Everything was somewhat orderly . When we came out the other end the " golf cart " was waiting for us . Some people chose to ride in the cart , others walked to the Vietnamese immigration check on the western end of Dong Dang . The cart cannot enter Vietnam , so those who rode in the cart had to walk part of the way anyhow . In the Vietnamese immigration building it was a mad free for all . I had no idea what to do . I had to push and shove my way to the front of the crowd to ask questions . The man behind the glass window handed me a form to fill out . He didn 't say a word to me or even look up from his paper work . I had to hand in my passport along with the form . The officer doesn 't just take your passport ; you have to almost sneak it into the pile of passports on his desk . Anyone with a Vietnamese passport can jump the line by placing their passport on the top of the heap . There really isn 't an actual line , just a line - like form of chaos where people crowd around and yell until they get to go next . I watched as he worked on his pile with my passport in the middle . Vietnamese people who had just arrived would toss their passports at him and quickly get it returned to them . Eventually my passport made its way to the top of the pile . When he was about to pick up my passport and check my visa to let me through , his co - worker plopped a mountain of passports on top of mine . That moved me to the back of the " line " . I thought of some excuse , like , " I forgot to write the date " to get my passport back . I pretended to write something on the form and I put it back on top of the pile . This enabled me to skip all those people and move onto the next section of the immigration check . Next was the health check . Vietnam wants to keep out contagious diseases so they do health checks to make sure that people don 't bring in any . They do this by charging you 2 , 000 Dong or 2 Yuan then giving you a piece of paper that says you 're healthy . There is no actual doctor nor is there any screening for any disease or virus ; just a piece of paper . Once I had my piece of paper an official pointed to a door and indicated that I was to go through it . I opened the door and walked in . Surprised to find myself outside I turned around to ask the official what to do next just in time to have the door slam in my face . It was locked . I checked to make sure I had my passport with the appropriate stamps . Everything seemed to be in order . I was in Vietnam , I guess … After my unceremonious entrance into Vietnam I looked for my new bus . My old bus went back to Nanning taking the people who came in from Hanoi . I found the new bus . It was significantly smaller than the Chinese bus . Because I was among the last to get on the bus , my new seat was in the last row next to a very fat man who kept trying to use me as a pillow when he wasn 't throwing up . How that man slept through all those pot holes and horrible , loud Vietnamese pop songs I just don 't know . I do have a theory on why he threw up so much . Just like the bus in China , the one in Vietnam also provided us with drinks . But instead of water , we were handed cans of … well , I 'm still not sure what it was . It might not have even been a drink at all . It could have been soup or dessert . What ever it was , the picture on the can didn 't spark any feelings of thirst or hunger in me . I handed mine to the fat man since he seemed to thoroughly enjoy his own wonky beverage . He showed his appreciation by chugging the drink in one go and smiling ecstatically afterwards . So , I guess his getting sick was , on some level , partly my fault . I made it up to him by unwillingly catching his head with my shoulder every time he dozed off . Don 't worry if you cannot get Vietnamese dong from your local bank back home . You can get your dong at the airport either in your country or in Vietnam . Don 't get too much ; no one will buy it back from you . Many hotels , fancy restaurants , and tour agents will take US dollars or Euros . Though , who knows what exchange rate they will use ? You will need dong for taxis , small shops , and local restaurants and vendors . Wherever you choose to stay , make sure you bring a picture and the address of the hotel . One common trick that taxi and motorbike - taxi drivers like to pull is to take you to the wrong hotel . When you say , " I asked for ABC Hotel ! " They will tell you that the name changed . They usually get a commission for bringing tourist to certain hotels . Also for taxis , NEVER agree to a flat rate fee . The flat rate fee will always be way higher than it should be . Always demand that the cab driver use the meter . If he doesn 't want to use his meter , get out . Taxi drivers are a dime a dozen . This is true in most countries . Watch out for cyclo drivers that claim not to have change as a way to get more money out of you . If you need to , wait for one of those fruit vendors to come along and buy something from her to make change . You really should ask the cost to your destination and make sure you have exact change before you get in the cyclo . It 's best not to say anything bad about Ho Chi Minh while in Vietnam . He is still very much loved by his people . The bus station is called Lang Dong Bus Station . You can get there from Nanning Train station by taking city bus # 6 . The city bus costs 2 Yuan . There might be more buses that go between the train station and the bus station , but the # 6 is the one that I know . Once at the bus station you can buy a ticket on the next available bus out . They seem to run every two hours or as they fill up . There will be empty seats on the Chinese bus because the bus in Vietnam is much smaller . You change buses at the border , so the drivers never leave the country . The ticket costs 150 Yuan . Some of Chongqing looks like the ghetto . But there are very nice parts to the city . Downtown Chongqing is quite ritzy . In fact the monument in the middle of the shopping area is made by Rolex . One Chinese guy , who travels to Vietnam often , walked around with me a bit and gave me advice on the must - sees in Hanoi . Another Chinese man sat and talked with me about the year he lived in Philadelphia . I spent most of the afternoon with a German guy who lived in Shanghai and was in Chongqing for vacation . He tried to get me to go with him to a beer garden , but I didn 't have time and I hate beer . When I got to Nanning it was late at night . My plan was to get to Vietnam as soon as possible . I left the train station and took the first nice - ish hotel I could find . Soon after , I regretted not going to a hostel . Although their English was just a little less than okay , the ladies at the front desk did not know enough about Nanning to be able to answer any of my questions . The bus company had an office about two blocks away from the hotel . I couldn 't buy tickets there , but they gave me directions to the bus station . They also wrote a note for me in Chinese that said , " Please sell me a ticket on the next available bus to Hanoi . " There was a mini - mart one block away from the hotel . They must see the store as they pass it everyday on their way to work . Or are they blindfolded and pushed out of a car that slows down a bit as it passes the hotel ? There is a long list of websites that cannot be accessed while in China . Facebook and parts of Wikipedia are just two of them . As with everything , there are ways around it . There are sites that will let you get to Facebook and other sites for free for about 15 minutes , then you will have to pay . My advice is to find a few of them and use them for free . Then use them again on a different computer . If you are in China for a long time , then you might want to invest in paying for the service . Ask friends living in China for the best deals . On this trip I visited Chongqing for the second time . The last time I didn 't get a chance to see the Ghost City in Fengdu , so I had to go back . Lucky for me , Chongqing is almost on the way from Beijing to Hanoi . I took a business card from the hostel in Beijing for another hostel in Chongqing . It had the directions on the back , but I still had a little trouble finding the place . It was great and the people there were very nice . Since I was the only female guess at the time , I got a room all to myself for about 5 USD a night ! On the train I managed to rip my backpack . When I asked at the front desk about a place where I could get it repaired they told me to leave the bag at the hostel and they would take care of it . When I got back from my day trip the hole was gone . The lady at the desk had fixed it herself and she didn 't charge me anything . The next day I went to see Taoist Hell . The bus ride to Fengdu is supposed to take 4 hours . Since this is China , you have to add in the extra time needed to wait for extra passengers to show up and for construction delays . It actually took about 5 hours to get there and 6 to return . There was a rest stop along the way , but I didn 't know that . I thought that I had reached Fengdu . That is when I met the lady that saved my day . She showed me where the bathroom was then urged me to get back on the bus . She spoke very little English and I had forgotten my phrase book back in the hostel in Chongqing . When we got back on the bus she sat beside me . She asked me where I was from , where I was going , and all the other standard questions . When she found out that I was going to the ghost city , she polled everyone on the bus until she found someone who lived near there to make sure I got to hell safely . It was a bit difficult communicating where I was going . I drew several pictures of ghosts which didn 't communicate " City of the dead " very well . Either Chinese ghosts don 't look like western ghosts or I just have no artistic talent whatsoever . The Ghost City is very beautiful and there were only a few people visiting when I went . The gates of hell are up a mountain with a wonderful view of the Yangtze . I walked all the way up and took the ski lift down . I recommend doing the opposite . I also recommend reading all the wonderful , not - so - good - English signs along the way . You will have to read some a couple of times before you understand what they are trying to say . Others you will never understand . There were many statues and pictures of demons torturing souls . The painted demons were very beautiful . The tortured souls were very expressive . The view of the river was exquisite . It all made hell such a wonderful place . When I was done I found only one taxi driver waiting at the entrance . He was just walking around in circles like he really wanted something to do . He seemed so happy to see me and asked me if I wanted to go to the dock . I had the girl who brought me to hell write in Chinese on a piece of paper , " I would like to go to the Fengdu bus station and buy tickets to Chongqing . " I handed him the paper and got into his van . I talked him down from his original price , but I think we both knew that I would end up riding in his taxi . I had no other taxis to choose from and he had no other passengers to carry . There is a long list of websites that cannot be accessed while in China . Facebook and parts of Wikipedia are just two of them . As with everything , there are ways around it . There are sites that will let you get to Facebook and other sites for free for about 15 minutes , then you will have to pay . My advice is to find a few of them and use them for free . Then use them again on a different computer . If you are in China for a long time , then you might want to invest in paying for the service . Ask friends living in China for the best deals . Buy a ticket on a bus to Fengdu . One ticket one - way costs 66 Yuan . When you get to Fengdu you have to a take a minivan / taxi to the Ghost city . The cost of the taxi ride will depend on your negotiation skills . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
A warm welcome to visitors - old and new ! Please click on the right side of the page in the archives to follow this post from the beginning . It ALL starts in June 2011 , so take a look and follow along . As always , thanks for reading and enjoy . My final month at the firm was great . I had over $ 8 , 000 coming to me after taxes , a new laptop and six months worth of unemployment ! The choice to say good - bye to the corporate life and hello to being a full - time artist was looking pretty good . I had to find a new assistant for Bikram which was my least favorite thing to do . It 's hard to sell a position that you deeply despised . Luckily , I 'd had some experience doing so when I hired my replacement for Scott . Lucy was a Marisol 's friend - one of the women who worked across from my desk . She had schooled Lucy on Bikram and she 'd still wanted the job . I admired her ability to just show up for the paycheck . I suppose I did that for the majority of my time there , but it was time to move on and get started on a music career . If Lucy wanted to endure Bikram and his faux - coolness , so be it . All the girls in the office were sad to see me go , but the nine - to - five world loves a good going away party and mine was an all - day affair . It started with a " Yard Sale " where people were asked to come by and take their pick of the various knick - knacks I 'd acquired over the past four years . Apparently , I 'd had a reputation for having the best stuff to play with and people showed up in droves to get their hands on everything from my overgrown Chia Pet to the Mr . Potato Head Gina had gotten me for Christmas . A warm welcome to visitors - old and new ! Please click on the right side of the page in the archives to follow this post from the beginning . It ALL starts in June 2011 , so take a look and follow along . As always , thanks for reading and enjoy . In the end , it all worked out perfectly . With Scott 's help , I was able to get " fired " which made me eligible for unemployment . The guys in Tech Support had all been given notice that the new company would be taking over their department and a hefty restructuring would soon follow . " They 're not even interested in our current inventory , " Damon , the guy in charge of assigning company laptops said when he told me the news . " You 're lucky to get out of here , Liz . Shit , just take that laptop with you . They won 't miss it . " Damon and I had a history . When I first started working for Bikram , I was in his office looking for a document when I noticed an email from the new Head of Human Resources sitting in his inbox . The subject line read , " Hi SEXY . " I couldn 't believe it . Bikram and Susan Sherwin ? Ugh ! She was like sixty years old and he was married ! Staring at the screen with my mouth hanging open , I fought the urge to read the email . I came from a household where privacy was so thoroughly respected , my mother would call to tell me she received a bill from my doctor and she didn 't want to open it without my permission . This was too much ! I had to see that picture . Pushing myself back from his desk , I leaned to the right and looked through the glass window to see if anyone was coming . With the coast clear , I walked myself and the chair back towards his computer and clicked on the picture . The screen flashed and went dark for a second while the computer made a strange burping sound . There would be no naked picture of our HR Director . Instead , a nasty virus was launched due to me and my nosiness . " I noticed some strange stuff on your desktop , Bikram when I was installing some updates to the firewall , " he said , never taking his eyes off the now dancing screen . " Looks like you 've got a little virus here . It 'll just take a few minutes to clean it up . " In 2 days it will be Sept 11 - a day forever etched in our souls and embedded in our minds . Our ways have gone separate since then , but it is a day , a moment - a lifetime we will always share . It seems ridiculous . . . to me not to reach out to u during this time . You stood next to me at one of the most profound moments in my life - that I will never forget . It is not my desire to dwell on the sadness of that day . The media does that for me . But , I just couldn 't let the day go by without letting you know that I am thinking of you while I am remembering the day and wishing you only good things . Towards the end of August , a quiet awareness starts to creep towards me . The end of the summer and its reminders inevitably pull me back towards the memories I promise myself I won 't buy into each year . But then , September arrives and with that , so does the media frenzy . I spend a large part of my time avoiding all " Remembering 9 / 11 " segments at all costs and feeling a mixture of anger and guilt . The anger is because I want to forget and I wish the world would let me . The guilt , well that too comes from the fact that I want to forget and as the day gets closer and the buzz gets louder , I feel a mounting pressure to immerse myself in the pain and sadness along with everyone else . Instead , I flip into creative mode because that 's what I do when I feel out of control . I walk around conjuring up ideas of what I 'll write about in relationship to my experiences ; maybe there 's a lesson in it somewhere . And if I can find it and share , somehow , it will help myself and others heal . But , I never find the lesson and the day comes and goes and I 'm sad because yet again , I was unable to make sense of such a tragic moment in my life and our history . It 's been ten years and I 'm still searching for answers . As usual , I 've got something I 'm working on , but I 'm not sure I 'll be ready to share it . In the meantime , I 've decided to post an account of my experience ten years ago . I wrote it a few years after and have never shared it in this space . It feels like the right thing to do and I encourage you all to share your stories here as well . Maybe there is no lesson ; but the least we could do is honor the day that tore so many people apart and brought just as many together all at once . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Tuesday , September 11 , 2001 . I woke up around my usual time , 8am . Mondays and Tuesdays are my days off from working with Thomas . I did my usual thing - got out of bed , turned off the A / C in both the living room and bedroom . It was a beautiful , crisp morning . The kind of morning that makes you realize the Summer is over and Fall is on its way . I opened all the windows in the apartment to let the fresh air inside . I had to move my car by 9am , so I put some clothes on nylon breakaway pants , a white tank top and sneakers . It was too cold to wear flip - flops . I came back upstairs from walking the dog and began to check my email with one eye on the clock because I had to move the car at 9am today for street cleaning . In the midst of this , I heard or felt on odd thing , that later would be described as a sonic blast . It was on odd feeling ; the building felt like it shook for a second and I immediately felt a change in energy on the street below . I could actually hear exclamations of " oh my god " outside . Something had happened . I 'm not one to look out my window to see what 's going on if I hear sirens or screaming . It 's just not a very New York thing to do . Not because it 's uncool , but more because until that day , as a New Yorker , I 'd pretty much seen it all so not much surprised me . In spite of this , I felt compelled to get and look out the window and onto the street . There was a group of people standing outside looking up to the north at what I thought , was the building next to mine . The energy was so intense that my immediate thought was , " oh my god , someone must have jumped from the building next door . " I 'm not a TV person , so the TV wasn 't on and I was winding down my daily computer log - on , so I had no clue what was going on . I just knew I had to go and move my car . I went to grab coffee at the deli . Inside , people were talking about there being a fire at the World Trade Center . That 's all they said . From our side , nobody could see the plane flying into the tower as it came from the north . I got my coffee and ran into a neighbor . He was in the " alternate side of the street parking club " ; one of those people that is out of work and able to sit in the car while the street is being cleaned . He told me about the fire and I said I 'd run and get my car and park near him and we could see what 's going on . Walking to my car , I had to pass the group of people that I 'd seen gathered below on the street earlier from my window . I asked casually what was happening and someone said just as casually , " the Trade Center 's on fire " . I turned to look expecting to see what I always see when there 's a fire in a building in Manhattan smoke coming out of a couple of windows . Instead I saw a giant , gaping whole with flames coming out from the higher floors of the tower . I was momentarily shocked as I 'd never really seen a fire up that close . But , again , at that moment , all it was to me was a fire . I spent a few minutes standing there and then was on my way . I got into my car and wondered if street cleaning would be cancelled . Nonetheless , I wanted a spot closer to my building . I started the car and opened the sunroof . Just as I was putting the car into gear , I heard a loud noise that sounded like a plane coming in for a landing . It was loud and getting louder . I did the natural thing and looked up and there it was , the second plane above my head , so low that I swear I saw numbers on the belly of the plane . I followed that plane with my mouth open and eyes wide and watched it fly right into the second tower . All the while , I was thinking , " Holy shit , what the hell is going on with the radar ? " I never once thought about terrorism . Until that day , I lived in a bubble . I liked it that way . It kept me innocent . From that point on , all hell broke loose . I didn 't even bother moving my car . I couldn 't even if I wanted to . People were running all over my neighborhood toward the buildings . I parked it and got out and made my way back to my building . I remember seeing someone from the neighborhood running towards the World Trade Center . He looked terrified . I 've lived in Battery Park City , 2 blocks south of the World Trade Center since 1996 . Over the years , I 'd see people ; ones that I 'd never talk to you , but I still felt like I knew them . This one guy in particular that was running was one of those people that I 'd never spoken to , but I knew him . I remembered the first time I saw him a few years back , walking a dog ; then came the girlfriend ; then came the stroller . On that day , as was he running towards the Trade Center , I was sickened by the thought that his wife might be in that building and how I was sure he was desperately trying to get to her . All I remember is the sick feeling I had watching him . On my way back to the building , I saw my friend and neighbor , Renee . She had her dog , Prince , a rather large Golden Retriever whose been known to have a temper . She was hysterical and running with one shoe , a flip - flop . She was going on and on about how she saw the plane and how we were getting attacked . She asked me to run upstairs to get her some sneakers , just in case we had to run . I obliged thinking that she was totally overreacting . It was just the radars , how could we be getting attacked ? On my way upstairs , I ran into another friend from my floor . Stephanie was the mother of an 18 month old , Melissa . Her husband worked for the Electrician 's Union and was working way up in the Bronx in the Subway near Dykman Street . She was beside herself packing a diaper bag and getting stuff together for fear that we were going to have to run . Again , I was calm and perhaps in denial , but I was telling her it would all be fine . There was no reason to worry about running . What would we have to run from ? ? I went back downstairs to give Renee her shoes . We stood outside our building and watched the burning towers . And it was then , for the first time , I found out what people were saying had happened . I had my cell phone and I called my sister uptown at her office . She and her colleagues were watching it on TV . It was at that moment , I heard the name , " Osama Bin Laden " for the very first time . My sister was saying he was the guy Clinton okayed a bombing attack against in Afghanistan . All of it was news to me as I stood there watching the fire . At some point during my conversation with my sister , I began to see things dropping out of the building . There were papers and small confetti - like items that had been coming down from the get - go , but these items were much larger in size and they were dropping as if they had some weight to them . At first , I thought it was furniture . I was telling my sister this and at the same time , I realized it was not furniture falling from the buildings . It was people jumping out of the windows . There are so many things that I will never forget about that day . This is probably the deepest and most cutting memory of all . I remember cursing aloud to my sister that , " Oh fuck , there are people jumping from the building . I have to go . " I hung up abruptly and watched . I couldn 't tear myself from the painful sight of these people sailing through the air with their ties flapping in the wind . I just kept thinking , " My god , how horrible it must be up there to force them to jump from the 100th floor . " I went upstairs to my apartment to see if my mother had called . I kept trying to call her , but I couldn 't get through on my cell phone . I got upstairs and still couldn 't reach her . There was a message from a friend of mine who lives in Atlanta wanting to know " what the hell was going on down there " . I remembered being annoyed because it sounded to me like she was trying to bank in on the sensationalistic vibe of the morning . My phone rang and it was Tino . He and I had just broken up the week before . He worked in Rockefeller Center and wanted to know what was going on . I remember crying and telling him about seeing people jump out of the buildings . He told me to turn on the TV . That was when the Pentagon got hit . He was watching TV and saying , " OH my GOD , they hit the Pentagon . What the hell is going on ? ? I should get out of here ( Rockefeller Center ) . What if they hit this next ? ? " He hung up abruptly . I went back downstairs still trying to reach my mother . I remembered Thomas , my friend and boss , who also lived in my building , at some point and I think I even tried to call him . I didn 't ' even think he 'd be back from dropping his son off at school on the Upper East Side . I couldn 't ' get through to him either . When I got downstairs , I found Renee and later Thomas and we all just stood there watching , in awe . It was bizarre at how difficult it was to tear ourselves away from it . There was still so much chaos on the street . The sirens , the running , it was so surreal . The first tower fell while we were standing on the street . This is the second thing I will never forget . The sound of the building beginning to fall was like nothing I 'd ever heard before . Like the sound the ocean waves make when they hit the shoreline , but louder and more powerful . A rumbling and then a crash . I felt the rumbling move up from my toes to my stomach . And then it was like slow motion , the tower fell , just like that . And for maybe a split second , there was total silence . The silence felt like death . Within seconds , a huge cloud of what I thought was fire , came around the corner just 2 blocks south of us . It was moving in our direction at a rapid pace . People began to run toward us away from the " fire " and all I remember is seeing Thomas put up his hands to say , " Don 't run . Stay calm . " But then we realized we had to run too . Renee and I grabbed one another 's hand and ran like hell . I remember running and thinking , " This is like a movie . " I kept waiting for the fire and the heat to touch the back of my neck . And for the first time that day , I truly thought I was going to die . I kept thinking about my poor dog , Rufus up in my apartment all alone and how nobody should have to die alone . As we ran south , it became clear that it was not fire . It was smoke and debris from the tower . However , it was so thick that it was impossible to see in front of us . Renee was running right next to me , no more than a foot away , and I couldn 't even see her . I dropped her hand at some point and tried to turn around and run back to get Rufus . I was afraid he would suffocate from all of the stuff in the air . I couldn 't even see , though , and some random security guy wouldn 't ' let me go back . I remember thinking I would go to my car and get in there to get out of the smoke , but I couldn 't even see which direction to go towards . The further South we ran , the better the air quality became . By this time , it had passed us by and we were still running , but we could see in front of us . At one point , I was able to take in the whole scene for a moment and I remember thinking , " I can 't believe this is happening . This doesn 't happen here . It happens in the movies or in other countries . " People were covered in gray dust . They looked like ghosts . EMS was all over the place and the sirens were deafening . It was total chaos . We slowed down to a walk and a man walked up to me and told me I should keep my face covered as most people were doing so as not to breathe in the debris in the air . I looked at him and pointed to my tank top and said , " I can 't really take off my shirt to cover my mouth . What am I going to do , walk around in my bra ? ? " And there it was : the first of many random acts of kindness that day . He removed his shirt and gave it to me to cover my mouth . At the same time , I saw Stephanie running and struggling with Melissa and her stroller . I ran from the guy to Stephanie and she was saying how she couldn 't get Melissa to cover her mouth . I saw an EMS van that appeared to be taking people into an ambulance for shelter . I ran over to the guy and told him about Stephanie . He motioned for her to get into the van . He gave me four wet towels to cover my mouth . I didn 't ' even say good - bye to Stephanie . Next , the most bizarre thing happened . We had settled down by the water near where people get on the boats to see the Statue of Liberty . The vendors were already out there as they get an early start . Apparently , one of the vendors tried to sell someone a bottle of water . One guy was outraged by this . He began yelling at the guy and I think he tried to push him into the Hudson River . The vendor was Muslim and had people known more about what was happening , this guy would have been killed . I 'm sure of it . But we were all so in it ; there was no time to put it all together . A cop broke it up and announced that nobody would pay for water . From that point on , Thomas , Renee and I just stood there , waiting . There was speculation milling around us about the second tower falling and sure enough , it fell shortly after . We were told to get on the ground to avoid the thick smoke and debris from which we ran from earlier . We were coughing and covering our mouths . At the same time , the fighter jets began circling the city . Every other minute , one would fly by . It was eerie and definitely not a comfort . We began to make our way back towards the neighborhood at some point . And , I swear every time I thought I 'd seen the worst of the worst that day , it just kept getting worse . We ran into our friend Anthony who gave us those masks that painters wear to protect themselves from the fumes . And as we reached the edge of the neighborhood , there was a cop telling everyone to get on the boats for evacuation . It turned out that there was a gas leak and my neighborhood was going to blow up . No one was allowed back into the neighborhood . I made my way up to the front of the crowd and told the cop that I had to go and get my dog . He wasn 't having it . He said , " Ma ' am you CAN NOT get your dog . " To which I replied , " But I have to get my dog . " To which he replied , " Ma ' am . THE NEIGHBORHOOD IS GOING TO BLOW UP , YOU CAN NOT GO BACK AND GET YOUR DOG . NOW , GET ON THE BOAT . " To which I replied , " Fuck you . " I threw down my mask and water and ran probably the fastest I 'd ever run in my entire life . He , of course didn 't follow me . He had much bigger fish to fry . I heard Renee behind me telling me to wait . ( Her dog was in the building as well ) I yelled back at her to hurry up . When we reached our building , the outside doors were locked . We began pounding on the doors and Hector ; our maintenance man wouldn 't open the door . He was motioning and yelling something that made me think he was ordered not to let anyone back in the building . At that point , I was starting to think about breaking the glass , when some woman , whom to this day , I still can 't recall , opened the door and let us inside . The building was being evacuated as people were coming down the stairwell and exiting through the back door . Our Super , Luis , was standing at the bottom of the stairs with a flashlight since all electricity was out . We ran up the stairs against the others coming down and I vaguely remember Luis yelling up that he had to go . Suddenly , the light was gone and we were in the stairwell in complete darkness . I 'd forgotten to pay attention to which floor we were on and there was no way of knowing how much further up the stairs we had to go . I told Renee , who was behind me to stand by the door and keep it open while I looked to see what floor we were one . Of course , the only emergency light that was working was way down at the end of the hallway . I felt like I was racing against time as I ran down the hall to look at one of the apartment doors to see what floor we were on . 4H . Two more floors to go . Back in the stairwell , Renee started to unravel . She was behind me saying that she just couldn 't go on any further . I stopped and began to coax her calmly to come closer to me and grab my waist and we would take the stairs together , one at a time . Of course in my head I was screaming , " Hurry up bitch , we are going to die ! ! " While I was saying aloud , " it 's okay . Good girl , we 're almost there . " That was the second time that day I was sure I would die . We got upstairs and agreed to get our dogs and meet right back at the stairs . I ran down the hall and opened the door expecting to find Rufus , lying there , dead . I don 't know why , but that 's what I expected . Of course , he was there wagging his tail . I didn 't really take in the whole scene inside my apartment . There wasn 't enough time . All I knew is that the place was covered with dust . I ran into my room and got my baseball hat , which oddly enough happened to be an " FDNY " hat . I grabbed a flashlight from the closet , mentally thanking my parents for insisting that I always have one . I grabbed my cash out of the closet , the dog 's leash , the dog and that was it . I was leaving the apartment when I 'd heard a distinct voice in my head say the following words , " Take your journal . You 're going to have a lot to write about " . I turned around and grabbed it along with my purse and ran down the hallway and back to the stairs . Renee was not at the stairs yet . I yelled for her to hurry and she came soon after . With my flashlight in hand , I began to run down the stairs with the dog as fast as I could . Renee was calling out to me and I stopped . Her dog , Prince wouldn 't go down the stairs . Another moment I will never won 't forget . It was as if there was an angel on one of my shoulders and a devil on the other . The angel , of course , was telling me to go back and help her , while the devil was telling me to save myself and forget her . I went back . That was the third time that day I thought I would die . I gave her the flashlight and Rufus and told her to " GO ! " and I would take care of Prince . I ended up giving him a big push down the first flight of stairs which thankfully , got him going . We reached the end of the stairs and switched dogs and ran out the back door to the boats to evacuate . It was like what I 'd always imagined nuclear fallout to look like . The neighborhood was practically deserted . There was about 4 inches of ash on the street , burnt up papers and who knows what else everywhere , and the silence mixed with the constant scream of sirens . We got to the water and were directed to get on a Police tugboat . The deck was extremely narrow and I had to carry Rufus , who weighs about 40 pounds . I was sure he would get freaked out and wriggle out of my arms and into the water , making me the reason we didn 't ' get out of there alive . Thankfully , he was still and we got onto the boat . Renee had to stay outside because Prince was too big to be inside the boat . The cabin was small and people kept piling in . I wondered if the boat would sink and we 'd all die anyway . But I made my way as far into the boat as I could . I sat on a bench that surrounded a table , with Rufus on my lap . It was total madness . People were screaming and crying . One couple was going on and on about how they had no insurance on their stuff . Their dog was barking and pissing people off . A heated argument ensued between the couple and another guy . A toddler was screaming and crying for her mother and I remember wondering if her mother had been in the World Trade Center . I had Rufus on my lap and I just put my head down on him and tuned it all out . I went completely inside myself and began rocking back and forth and saying to him as well as to myself , " We 're okay . We 're okay . " I said this over and over again until we got across the river to New Jersey . As we left my neighborhood , I think the reality had begun to settle into my mind and I started to realize what I 'd just been through . It was really all that I could do from losing it right then and there . The adrenaline rush was over and all I had left was the realization of my experience leading up to that moment . As we reached Liberty State Park , I let everyone get off the boat . I was never one to push my way to the front and today was no different . As I was trying to get off the boat , a fireman reached out and asked if I 'd needed help . This gesture of kindness did it for me . I began to shake and cry and just basically , lose it . He and some others helped me off the boat and I think they thought I was injured at first . Renee was there and thankfully strong enough o take care of me . We found a spot on the grass under a tree that , on any other day , would provide a peaceful and glorious view of lower Manhattan . But today , it was front seat to the burning remains of the World Trade Center and our homes . We just sat there under that tree for a good two hours . Both of our phones had no cell service , so we couldn 't get in contact with anyone froAt some point , our cell phone service returned and Renee and I started thinking about a plan . I spoke with my mother finally and found out that all main roads had been closed . A couple of firemen told us that people were being shuttled to Bayonne , NJ to stay overnight at a school that had been set up as a shelter . The thought of that made me sick . All I wanted was my mother and the reality that I couldn 't get to her was devastating . Renee and I began to weigh our options . I knew nobody in New Jersey , although friends of my friends had all put out offers for us to stay with them . I really needed something familiar . The only option was Renee 's brother . He lived in Weehawken and had been trying for hours to get to us to pick us up , but all roads leading to where we were had been closed . Renee suggested walking . It was pretty far but I was more worried about finding the way than how long it would take . We began to walk . Liberty Island is in Jersey City , so we had to walk through Jersey City to Hoboken to Weehawken . We had stopped to get a sandwich and water at some World Foods place on the way . I think that was my loneliest moment . I was sitting there while Renee was inside and I began to think about the harsh reality of my having no place to go . I was so tired and I felt so lost . My world had been completely shattered and I was sitting outside of some random store in New Jersey with nothing but my dog and the clothes on my back . I couldn 't get to my parents ' house . I had no idea what had become of my own home . It was too overwhelming to think about all at once . We 'd gotten the road towards Renee 's brother 's house around 2pm . We finally arrived at his place around 8 : 30pm . It never felt like 6 . 5 hours . We stopped a few times to give the dogs water . Our cell phone batteries were almost dead , so contact became limited . The plan was that I would call my parents when I got to Renee 's brother 's house and we 'd see if the roads would be open by then . Of course , they weren 't , so I stayed the night . I remember walking into his apartment and asking if we could turn on the television to see what had happened to us that day . We couldn 't leave the apartment complex , so we ended up making white rice for the dogs to eat . None of us were hungry , so we just sat there . Andy washed our clothes which I had no idea were so filthy . I had a slight rash from the stuff that had been all over me . I was able to recharge my phone with his charger and I spent a lot of time on the phone talking with friends and returning phone calls . I didn 't sleep that night . I was exhausted , but I still I couldn 't sleep . The bed was unfamiliar , Rufus was antsy . There was just way too much to process and I think it was all milling around in my head . The next morning , Renee and I took Rufus and Prince for their walks . I remember standing there on the Promenade , with Renee , just looking over at the cloud of smoke emanating from the place where the World Trade Center once stood . It 's hard to explain and understand unless you actually lived in that neighborhood . The World Trade Center had its own meaning to just about everyone in the World . For me and for Renee , it wasn 't a landmark or a pair of buildings that stood tall in the sky . For us and our neighbors , it was home . It was my subway stop . It was the place I walked through at least 4 times a day . I did my banking there . It was the place I 'd constantly complain about because it was always so damn cold with the A / C and all . It was where Christmas decorations would go up WAY too early , in my opinion . And finally , it was the thing I looked for tRenee and I talked about what we were going to do . She thought about staying on with her brother or going upstate to her parents ' summer place . I was going to go and stay with my parents . We had arranged to meet somewhere in New Jersey later on that day . My mother and sister were going to meet us at Andy 's office to pick me up and take me back home . I have never in my life wanted my mother so much as I did on September 11th and the day to follow . We stopped at Target to get some things . It 's funny how we had absolutely nothing . Putting my clothes back on after they were washed felt odd . At the time , I was sure that once I got some other clothes , I 'd never wear that stuff again . Renee needed stuff to wear . I needed toiletries . We arrived first to Andy 's office parking lot . I think my mom had gotten lost and he was on the phone trying to direct her . The anticipation was killing me . I just kept thinking that once I saw her I could let it all go completely . I could just cry and cry and I 'd feel better . It wasn 't like I didn 't know Andy and of course , Renee . It was just the need to be in a place that was familiar and comfortable after so much struggle and discomfort . They pulled into the parking lot and my heart leapt into my throat . The next moments are a complete blur to me . My sister and mother getting out of the car , I can recall . But , after that - nothing . The next thing I remember is sitting in the back of the car with the dog on my way back to my parents ' house . My sister was telling me that she 'd packed a bag with some stuff for me to wear . My mom was saying something about food and me needing to eat . We established that Rufus needed dog food . I found out that my friend from college was coming over with clothes and stuff for me , later on . I guess I was in shock . I don 't ' really know what being " in shock " is . I always thought that if you were in shock , you froze up and didn 't move . I was obviously moving , so in my mind I wasn 't in shock . Looking back , I 'm sure that 's what it was coupled with exhaustion and an overwhelming need for silence . Though , silence in the months to follow , was the thing that kept bringing me back to that day . |
I was in my family 's backyard , sitting on the ground or on something that served as a little platform or seat . It was a warm day . My mom and sister were sitting out with me . I was staring at some kind of plastic half - sphere , like the big , plastic bubbles that fit over security cameras . But this one was mostly red , reminding me somehow of a fireman 's helmet , with just a small square that was transparent . For some reason I imagined that this transparent square could also be iridescent . My sister and mom were talking about how my brother - in - law ( ? - or someone else , maybe a kind of famous criminal or bully ? ) was doing something mean to my sister . My sister and mom had called on my mom 's best friend 's son , TC , who was really big . My sister and mom said that if my brother - in - law ( or whoever it was ) , tried anything again , they would just have TC sit on him . I was in a bedroom with one of my co - workers , SS . The room seemed either kind of small and narrow or kind of cluttered and crowded . I was either kneeling or sitting beside the bed . The bed may not have had any sheets on it . SS had grabbed either one or both volumes of Jung 's seminar on Visions . These books were mine . SS seemed to be interested in the books , and possibly impressed by the fact that I owned the books . I had apparently recruited a few people for some project . But there was also a danger of zombies in the area of the project . Something had happened , and now either the group of people were in danger of becoming zombies , or else they were already zombies . Some boss of mine began blaming me for not having been aware of the situation . Either I should have known there were zombies around , or I should have known that one of the people I 'd recruited was actually a zombie . I think I knew I couldn 't argue with this . I may have been trying to figure out how I could have missed the fact that one of the guys in the group was a zombie . I knew that zombies looked different from humans . They were all dead and rotted , with green skin and so forth . But sometimes I mistook zombies for humans , apparently . I somehow got my thoughts distracted into a scene which was kind of a world half - ruined by some kind of zombie invasion . Living humans lived in areas where zombies also roamed about . The living people had to avoid the zombies . I knew it was sometimes hard to tell the zombies from the people . I focused on two guys , two friends who were about college age . The two guys had both been planning on going to some trip together . But at the destination , one of the guys had become a zombie ( or had already been a zombie for a while ) . The other guy may just not have been there . I tried to figure out when the first guy had actually become a zombie . It seemed to me that he could have been a zombie all the way from before he and his friend had gone on the trip . In fact , maybe both the guy and his friend had been zombies . But I didn 't know if that could be . The guy had planned the trip with his friend via written letter . I 'd seen the letters . They 'd been too intelligently written to have been written by a zombie . I now saw the guy speaking with his friend . The friend was in a small , dim room , on a bed , like he was on his death bed . Both the guy and the friend may have been zombies . But the guy was talking to the friend as if he were dying . It was somehow understood that once the friend died , there was a good chance that he 'd become a zombie - - as if he weren 't a zombie right now . The two friends spoke with each other very sadly . My view was now outside , from behind a chain - link fence , in a small , desert town which had already been overrun completely by zombies . It was a hot , dusty day . The town looked completeley abandoned . I saw up a main thoroughfare of the small town - - just a wide road flanked by small , squat buildings . Now a zombie was walking down the road . The zombie 's skin was all dark green and rotted , but dry and shrivelled . The zombie seemed to be wearing something like a nice suit of clothes and something like a gardener 's broad - brimmed hat . The zombie kept on walking straight forward . But then its walk began to waver , as if the zombie was being pushed around by the wind . The zombie then fell over , out of my field of view ( like below the fence was a concrete barrier which blocked some portion of my view of the ground ) . I knew the zombie was dead . Now a group of people came walking down the street . At first I thought they were more zombies . But then I knew they were actually college kids . They had come to this town because they knew it had been completely overrun by zombies . The kids were here to have a little adventure . The kids came marching down the street in two lines , one on either side of the street , almost dancing , like they were in a musical . I thought it had been stupid for the kids to risk their lives by coming here in the first place . I was starting to wonder whether they hadn 't actually been caught already and turned into zombies . As the kids got closer I could see that they were also wearing nice clothes , maybe like the characters of the musical The Music Man might wear . There was a lead kid , a guy , tall , blonde , and very good - looking . He wore grey - blue slacks , a grey - blue vest , a white shirt , a tie , and some kind of round - brimmed , straw hat . He may have been holding a cane , too , and using it as a part of his dance . When the guy approached the fence , I thought , even though he looked normal , that he could be a zombie . He seemed to be preparing for some kind of big physical effort . I thought he might have been preparing to attack me . But instead he jumped up to the top of the tall fence . He balanced on the fence and began singing , as well as continuing his dance . Some of the other college kids may have been working their way up the fence . But now the man saw two or three zombies . They seemed to jump all the way up the fence . The man caught them in time , though . He used his cane to bash the three zombies , either knocking them away from him or killing them altogether . The man may have jumped down onto the other side of the fence now . At this point the " battle " against the zombies may truly have begun . But possibly the man had stayed on the fence . Either way , I , already on this other side of the fence , had turned away from the thoroughfare and was now standing inside a building , or at least looking at the inside of a building from my outside vantage point . The building felt pretty small and constricted . It was packed full of people , all or most of whom may have been zombies . The zombies were in some kind of frenzy . They may have been just acting in a chaotic way . Or they may have been attacking each other . Or they may have been attacking some living humans who had gotten into the room . I was in some large building , coming up an escalator with one or two older businessmen and a young woman who was probably a businesswoman . We were coming up from the basement . The escalator bank was huge and spacious , like there were a whole lot of escalators all in a row . The space above the escalators was also wide and open , like in the atrium for a huge skyscraper . One of the older men was DR , the head of the department at one of my old jobs . The two men were educating the woman on something . I 'm not sure how I was involved in the conversation . But the teaching eventually had something to do with the appearance of tall buildings from other tall buildings . We headed up on the escalators to a place where the walls were all glass . We looked out to a cityscape . The sky was heavy , soft , and dark grey . We looked out on a cityscape that was filled with nice , new buildings . Everything looked vast and monumental . But none of the buildings looked like skyscrapers . DR said , " Oh , well , that 's because we aren 't high enough . Once we get high enough you 'll see how tall the buildings look , as well as vast . " But I could tell that DR was actually a little embarrassed by the fact that the buildings that had come into our view weren 't skyscrapers . After all , the woman was supposed to be getting a lesson in how tall builings looked from tall buildings . DR said , " For instance , if you look up the side of this building , you 'll get an incredible feeling of vastness . " Our vision was directed to our left , where we could , apparently , see up the side of the building we were in . It was like the escalator bank was in a glass atrium attached to the side of the building proper . The building was made of white marble , and it had a very square appearance , like some of the buildings in Washington , DC . For some reason I figured that DR had made reference to this building as if it were the Schwarzmann building of the New York Public Library . DR had seemed to imply that even though the building wasn 't tall , that if you looked up the side of it , you 'd feel as overwhelmed by its size as if it were a tall building . I didn 't quite agree with DR when he said this . But it was almost like I had been saying it . It was like I had been trying to teach the woman this whole time - - and constantly making a fool of myself by being wrong all the time ! So I thought I must have been trying to make up some silly idea about perception , so that even though I couldn 't show the woman a tall building , I could at least make her feel like she should feel like she was looking at a tall building . I was now walking up a steep slope , up to the side of the NYPL building . The slope was tiered with big , square stones , which were topped with heavy soil and vegetation . It was narrow walking sometimes , and I felt like I could lose my balance and fall down the slope . It was a sunny day , but the slope was in the cool , grey shade of the massive building 's side . There were some other people out on the slope . We were now all walking along the side of the building , walking up toward the front of the building . I could tell we were all part of some group , like a volunteer group . In front of the building was a wide , marble promenade . People were scattered all over the promenade , kneeling before small planters full of new flowers . I walked a bit more , possibly trying to find what my place was among all these volunteers . I got past the front doors of the building . There was now another slope , off to my left . This was a golden lawn with a big tree about halfway down it . There were a few volunteers - - mostly attractive women - - working on putting in a few rows of flower beds along the slope . I wanted to go down along the slope to see what was going on . But instead of walking down the slope , I flew over it . I hovered down over the garden and the women . I could hear the women 's conversations . I think I was a little surprised at first that I could fly . But then I told myself to control my flight and experiment with it . But , for some reason , I think I got too focused on flying around near the branches of the trees . I think this may have been because I was a little shy around the girls . I felt like some of their conversation had to do with making fun of me . The girls were now really trying to get my attention . But it was like they were only doing it as a joke . So I turned away from them . But just as I was turning away , I saw some guy coming up the slope . He was an attractive , muscular man . It was like he was the guy all these girls loved . But he was only wearing a blue , sleeveless shirt and a pair of briefs . And the briefs were pink with blue lining , like a pair of boy - short panties for girls ! I could tell that the women had only been trying to get my attention so they could show their man that they could make other boys interested in them . They knew this kind of thing amused the man . So , without giving the women and man any attention , I flew up the slope and off to my left . The slope ended at some fence . I flew over the fence and found myself in a quiet , suburban neighborhood shaded by big , thick - canopied trees . I landed on the road and started walking . For some reason I either thought that I was in Portugal or that , since I had transported myself - - somehow - - from the NYPL to this quiet , suburban neighborhood , that I could transport myself anywhere , even Portugal . I heard a voice in my head start talking about how Portugal was " a good walking city . " - The whole country is a city ? ) I thought that I would love to go walking through a good walking city . But now I felt a bunch of pains in my feet . I pulled off my shoes and turned them upside down , dumping some small rocks and pennies out of my shoes . I put my shoes back on and started walking again . But now my legs felt so heavy that I wasn 't sure I 'd be able to walk very much farther . I was in the hallway of an apartment complex . I stood out in front of the door to the apartment I was staying at . The apartment probably wasn 't mine . I had to make sure the apartment door was locking well . I think I had been asked to do this by the people I was living with . But I think I also wanted to do it because I felt territorial about the place , and I felt like it wasn 't well enough protected . The lock was high up on the door . I had to reach over my head to get to it . The lock had something to do with pressing in a button . There may have been a problem with the button , though , like it was pressing too far into the wall or something . This was what I had to investigate and fix . I walked inside the door and looked up . I saw how a steel rod , maybe 1 / 2 centimeter in diameter , would poke through the doorjamb . I could see the rod was long , and that it poked out really far from the wall . I must have done something , because now I just went into the living room . I had to wait for whatever the results were of whatever I 'd done to fix the door . One of the people who lived in the apartment sat in the room with me . She was a woman who , IWL , lived with one of my good friends , H . The room was dark . The woman , T , sat in a big , leather chair . A television was placed on a set of shelves or something , just over the head of the chair . Something about how T was sitting or what T was doing while she sat was blocking my view of the TV . I didn 't think I could wait here for a long time while whatever was supposed to happen to the door happened . I was with a group of two or three guys in some place like a living room . We were probably all rehearsing songs . The two or three guys were in a band . They had let me come rehearse with them . I may have been singing . The guys all seemed to be mad at me . It was like I had screwed up something while I had been singing . It was less like my singing had been bad and more like the style of singing I was using was different from what the guys had wanted . In fact , it was so different that the guys had been a little insulted that I 'd think of using it . One of the guys was talking to me for a moment . He looked kind of like Elliott Smith . She had about jaw - length hair and wore a skull - cap that went kind of low over his brow . He was kind of pissy as he spoke with me . But now my vision shifted into something like a page on YouTube . But even while I was looking at this page I was looking at the living room . The YouTube page took up my whole vision , but it was like it was almost transparent . Through the YouTube page I could still hear the man talking to me about the mistake I 'd made in choosing my style of singing . This discussion had something to do with the YouTube page I was looking at . The page belonged to the band . This page was a way I 'd first gotten to know about this band . To illustrate my mistake , the man told me to scroll down the page . I scrolled down - - although it was kind of more like my whole body was floating down the page . I arrived at a comment I 'd made on the video . I 'd thought it had been smart . But now the guy had me scroll - float up to a more recent comment . This comment was made by one of the band members , possibly the guy . The comment was preceded by an icon that looked like a rainbow flag , although it was supposed to stand for something religious or mystical . The comment criticized the comment I 'd made . I was disappointed in myself for never having caught this before . I was somewhere - - possibly in front of a computer screen . I had just gotten a group of guys together to go out on some project for my work . The project was going to begin on this day . But now , looking at the screen , I found that two or three of the guys I 'd gotten on for this project were planning not to show up . It may even have been that the guys were doing this because they didn 't like me personally . I was in either a bedroom or a bathroom . It was night , and there was incandescent light on in the room . I was standing up near a niche in a wall . I was facing the wall as if I were standing and urinating into a toilet . But I don 't think I was really going to the bathroom . On the walls before me and on my right were bookshelves and possibly a couple of small posters . On the wall to my left was a window with its curtains drawn , exposing the black night . The thought came into my head that I was supposed to be observing the sabbath . I was supposed to be taking a time of rest . It seemed like it was something that had just come up , something like a holiday , but an emergency holiday . I knew it was probably true that I needed to observe the sabbath - - possibly even for physical reasons . But I didn 't really want to . I felt like I had too much to do already . I couldn 't take a break now . And others would think I was lazy . But I now heard a woman 's voice , probably the voice of a female preacher , Marilyn Hickey , telling me to observe the sabbath , from today through Tuesday . I knew that this demand was actually written into an old book of teachings , which the preacher had often used as a source for lessons in her own books . It wasn 't the Bible , but it was an old book of wisdom . Knowing that the command had come from this book , I understood I probably couldn 't argue with it . I had probably gotten a bag of mail , maybe from my mother . The bag may have been like a small bookbag . I had to shuffle through some of the mail . I may have been looking for something in particular . But , by accident , I found two red mailers for Netflix disks . I had two Netflix CDs I wanted to return , but I hadn 't had any mailers to send them in . I was really happy to have these mailers . I was by myself in a big , nice apartment . I was in some side room that seemed partly like a kitchen and dining room , but that also seemed to edge out into something like a sunroom or a patio . I sat at a smallish , round , wooden dining table , with my chair 's back turned to the table , so that I faced out to see the kitchen counters . The space off to my right was airy and open , like there were a lot of big , wide windows . Off to my left was a doorway that led into a big , open space , like a huge living room . It was probably late afternoon . The sky was dark grey , like it was getting ready to storm . I was on the phone with one of my old bosses , whom I now think of as a good friend , EB . I was talking to EB about my current job . I told him that I was actually having a lot of fun with the job , and that I found the work really exciting . But , I told him , I wasn 't getting enough money to live on . I told him I figured that for the time being I 'd be okay . I 'd never been too terribly worried about money . EB told me , " Really ? If I had to eat , if I had to have food , I 'd do whatever I needed to get it . Having enough money is really important to me . " I could tell EB was partly saying this because he admired my ability to do without a lot of money . But I could also tell that he was worried I wasn 't doing enough to go for what I needed . So I told EB , " Well , I 've actually been thinking about applying for positions at some funds out here . You know , something like what I was doing before . There are a few good ones out here . I 'm wondering if you know anybody you could put in a good word for me for at - - - - - or - - - - - ? " ( I named two specific firms . ) EB had managed to put me on hold right as I asked him to help me . I couldn 't tell whether he 'd done it on accident . But I assumed he had . I thought he 'd pull me right back off hold . While I was on hold , I heard a couple of contemporary R & B type songs , which I found really annoying . I stood up , a little impatient , and walked out toward the sun room - like area . I only walked up to the threshold ( ? - if there was one ) of that area , then turned to my left , turned around , and walked back toward the dining table I 'd been sitting at . For this entire time , I 'd been on hold . It now occurred to me that EB had put me on hold on purpose , not by accident . But I still justified his having put me on hold . I told myself that EB had probably suddenly had to take care of some business , so that he 'd had to put me on hold suddenly . As soon as his business was taken care of , he 'd talk with me again . Then I could ask him for help . But now , as I approached the table to sit down again , I could start to hear EB 's voice . It was less like he had put me on hold and more like he had just sat the phone down near some speaker playing really loud , crappy , contemporary R & B . Now I heard EB talking with some other guy about me , very faintly , in the background . EB was saying something about me that wasn 't flattering at all . But I can 't remember what it was . I was in a bedroom in an apartment that was probably my apartment . It felt like a really nice , big apartment on a high up floor in some busy part of a big city . The ceilings were high . I may have been kneeling on the floor and looking up toward my right , to a tall , narrow window with shutters and some kind of gauzy curtains around it . It was night , and my bedroom lights were on . I was apparently doing something perverted in my room . I might actually have been wearing a wedding dress . I was worried that the people in the apartments across the street from me would see into my room and see what I was doing . The gauzy curtains were drawn over the windows . I couldn 't quite convince myself that this was enough . I thought I might draw something more over the window . But I didn 't want to stand in front of the window and have people see me . So I just kept crouching . I was now walking into a small bookshop in some small , but clean and quaint , kind of Main Street area , like in a small town . I had been in the bookstore before , and I knew that the woman who worked there knew me . In fact , I kind of worried that I 'd been coming to the bookstore too often , and that the woman would start to think I was some crazy guy who was attracted to her . The bookshop had small bookshelves , all through the front room , like in the children 's section of a public library . Some guy was working between one of the shelves and a big window wall off to my right . I didn 't see the guy at first . But then he stood up from behind the shelves . I figured that since the guy was working today , the woman wouldn 't be here . I was a little let down . The woman would know me and treat me somewhat indifferently . But I was worried that the guy would eventually get suspicious toward me or start trying to annoy me . But then the woman showed up . I tried to act like I wasn 't very aware of her . I walked into some other room , off to my left . There were tall shelves in this room . But against a wall off to my right was a waist - high bookshelf that held books on mysticism and spirituality . I knelt down and looked at some of those books . They were all paperbacks , kind of old . Some of them had covers more indicative of science or business books than of spiritual books . One book may have been written by W . B . Yeats , although I may have thought of him as a business writer instead of as a poet . I was in an office . The office was one room , maybe ten meters long and five meters wide . There were two long tables set up in it : one at the center of the room , and the other on the right side of the room . People sat working at computers all along these two tables . I sat at a computer in the corner of the room , at the end of the table along the right wall . Some of my co - workers began discussing how they might get me to do some of their work for them . They were mumbling this to themselves , as if they thought I couldn 't hear them . I got mad . I knew they were going to try and find a way to dump a bunch of work on me without asking me beforehand whether I could do it . Now one of my co - workers , a guy about my age , tried to play friendly with me , to butter me up before all the work got dumped on me . I was wearing a hoodie . The man walked up behind me and pulled the hood over my head . The man just thought he was making a funny joke . But something about it really pissed me off and panicked me . The guy had walked back to his desk and sat down , like he 'd realized he 'd done something dumb , but that he didn 't think it was a big deal . But I followed the guy to his desk and began screaming and yelling at him . I also began yelling at everybody I thought was in on the plans to get all their work dumped on me . Among these people was some woman who sat near the guy . I walked back to my desk . I now noticed that one of my old co - workers , DE , was sitting at the computer to my left . He began typing on his phone . I knew he was gossiping about how violent I had just been . IWL he had always criticized me for being too emotional in situations that made me uncomfortable . Now the woman who was among the people I had screamed at walked up to me and asked me about something not work related . It may have had to do with some kind of university course she was taking . The woman had a binder filled with papers of about the same consistency as coloring book paper . The papers all dealt with psychological disorders . The woman asked me how I 'd interpret some kind of diagnostic passage relating to some kind of specific mental disease . She read it in a mumbling kind of voice . I tried to catch everything she said , especially because I felt she was trying to " catch " me or " expose " me somehow as not being smart enough to understand her studies . But it sounded like she 'd only read half of the text . It even seemed like she got discouraged about halfway through reading and just walked back to her desk . So now I stood up and walked toward her desk . I was starting to piece together what the woman had read , and everything started to sound familiar to me . I was pretty sure I knew what disease the woman had been talking about . I asked the woman for the book . I looked things over . The woman said that the one thing she wasn 't understanding was where it said this disease , which was purely psychogenic , caused an actual physical decay of the brain . I told the woman that this was correct : that this disease did lead to a physical decay of the brain . Now everybody was listening . Everybody seemed to be pretty shocked that the disease could do this . But I said it wasn 't such a strange thing . I began discussing how the abuse of certain drugs could also lead to conditions where people developed decay in their brains . I was in a McDonald 's , probably during the late afternoon . The sunlight streaming in through the windows was a really intense , raspy yellow . I sat at one of the long booths against a wall . Nobody else was in the booth with me , all the way along the wall . But I probably felt like I was with other people , a group of people , maybe teenagers , who were kind of annoying to me , even though they may have liked me . I may have been trying to eat something chickeny or fishy , like a chicken strip or something . I was now on a bus . But the bus ' seating was almost like the seating for a large airplane . There were three rows of seats , at least . I sat near the back , near the right hand side of the bus . The atmosphere of the bus was grey , with grey seats that had reddish patterns on them . Whole TVs ( I guess ) were inset into molded fixtures that jutted down from the ceiling of the bus . I was typing out a dream on my phone . The format for the blog I was posting onto was kind of weird . It looked like a form . There were a number of different , small blanks . I may have had to fill different parts of my dream into the different blanks . I was remembering my dream as I wrote it down . I had been thinking of a dialogue I 'd had in the dream with some woman . I 'd mostly been writing the dialogue as a discussion of what we 'd said , rather than the actual speech . But now I remembered that I had actually heard something the woman had said . So I decided to quote it . I erased a part of the text that I 'd entered into one of the small form - blanks . I tried to replace the text with the statement " Then she said , ' " . But I messed up somehow and entered a capital B , then the opening quotes . I tried to erase this and redo it . But I may have messed up again . A kind of tall , fat , white man sitting to my left began grabbing at my phone . The man had a short , stubble - scraggly beard and kind of messy red - brown hair . He wore a black , leather jacket and small , rectangular lensed sunglasses . He said something like , " What are you doing there , writing a blog ? " But he said it in a kind of mocking way . It was plain he just wanted to take my phone and screw around with it , just to mess with me . I fumbled away from the man , almost dropping my phone . The man wouldn 't stop coming at my phone , though . He reached at me and said stuff in a kind of mocking tone about how I wasn 't any good at manipulating the format of the blog . I got mad at the man and told him to leave me and my phone alone . The man wouldn 't really listen to me . I was a little scared by the guy constantly reaching at me . This was stopping me from getting very loud . But the bus was full of people . I figured that if I could yell , I could attract the attention of other people , who might try to stop the man , or at least stare at him until he was too ashamed to continue bugging me . Everybody looked back at me . They seemed to be more shocked that I had the audacity to shout on a crowded bus than they were that somebody would be lunging at my phone . But I was encouraged by having gotten their attention . So I continued yelling " at the man . " I made my statement a little more of an offensive statement against the man this time . The only reaction it got from the other passengers , though , was a few chuckles . I stood up now , frustrated as hell . I wasn 't counting on the other passengers to help me . But I yelled anyway , in hopes that they would help me . But again my shout was violent : " If you don 't stop grabbing at me , I 'm gonna give you a black eye ! " The crowd all laughed loudly now . It was like they actually approved of everything the man was doing to me . I really wanted to hit the man . But I didn 't know if I could hurt him . And if I did hurt him , I thought , everybody on the bus would just turn against me and blame me for being violent . I sat back down . But as soon as I did , the man started grabbing at me again . Finally , an Asian man sitting across the aisle from the man grabbed the man and shook him by his left shoulder . The Asian man was kind of clean - cut , possibly wearing business clothes . He was apparently the fat man 's friend . But while shaking the man , he shouted in an annoyed voice , " Come on man , stop it ! I told you already . It 's twenty ! " I had taken photos of Yuu Kashi , the girl who played Kei in the film Linda Linda Linda . These were photos , it turned out , that the girl needed for something to do with a job . So the girl ended up being really grateful to me for having taken them . It had probably come to her as a surprise that I had taken the photos . I myself had probably forgotten all about the photos . In the photos , Yuu was wearing a simple , casual , red dress . The dress had a collar and a button up blouse , with the top buttons undone . The waist was kind of square . The skirt was plain , going down to just above the Yuu 's knees . Yuu stood in front of some old , red pickup truck . Both the red of Yuu 's dress and the red of the truck were plain , a bit flat , and tinged with a bit of orange . The color seemed to take up my whole field of view . The photos may have been scattered together , or they may have been in a strip together , like photos from a coin - op photo booth . Now Yuu needed another set of photos . It probably seemed to me like it would take much too long to put these photos together , too . I probably went through my mind ( or through some physical space ? ) searching for the new photos , hoping they would appear instantly , like the first group had , so we wouldn 't have to go through the process - - without having much time - - of taking new photos . I walked from a slate - grey mezzanine lobby in a skyscraper , into an elevator . The elevator was as big as a living room . The floor of the elevator was a nice carpet with a nice - looking , Persian design on it . The walls were a nice , heavy wood . The lighting was dim and incandescent . The elevator began going up . I knew I had to get to a very high floor . But the elevator seemed to be taking a long time getting up there . It then seemed like the elevator was going up , then down , then up , then down . Later , I might have felt like I was going up way too fast , and that I 'd crash into the ceiling of the building . I also watched the LCD display on the elevator wall : red , digital - style numbers . But mostly they seemed to be zeroes - - nothing else . I was somewhere , possibly outside , with a group of people . We were all probably single people in our late twenties or early thirties . But we all lived with each other in the same house . Somehow it was like the people living with me were all members of my family . We were all discussing the house . It had been discovered that the house had a rat infestation . The house was infested with what were called " Narciso Rats . " A pretty , blonde business woman was explaining this to us . She may have lived with us but also may have been something like our leader , or even our landlord . We all knew we 'd been having rat problems . I knew I had , too . But I seemed to be really ashamed of it in front of everybody else , like the rat problems in my own room were something that everybody else would judge me for . I may even have tried to convince myself that I didn 't have any rat problems . But I knew I did . I was really afraid , too . I had a low bed in my room . I knew the rats could easily climb up and get near me at night . They might spread disease that way . Another man near me , kind of fat , tan skinned , with short , choppy , black hair and eyeglasses , started talking about how he 'd thought , at first , that he 'd outsmarted the rats . He said , " I laid little bits of food out in a half - circle at a distance from my bed . I thought that would distract them . I thought the bits of food would lead them away from me . " But this had probably eventually stopped working for the man . The blonde woman told us all that the building had tried a number of ways for getting rid of the Narciso rats . But they were really hard to get rid of . Now we were all going to have to leave the building for a while . Some exterminators were coming in to do the whole building . This was the only thing that would work . Even this method might not have been totally sure of success . It might have been a possibility that the whole building would have to be destroyed . I now realized that in my room I had a different kind of rat . ( At this point I was half - waking out of my dream . ) This was called something like a " Gold Flow Rat " or a " Gold Floor Rat . " I heard some text being read , possibly as I read it out of a book , saying , " This animal has been placed on the dangerous species list . " Things were getting really out of hand . I may have been getting ready to try and deal with the situation . But my youngest nephew , in defiance of whatever anger I was showing , pulled up a gun and shot me in the face . I didn 't hear the gunshot . All I sensed was a quick pop of light , like when a light bulb suddenly goes out , accompanied by an almost electronic , bird - warbling sound . Then all my vision was just a blank , dull brown - red . I couldn 't hear , see , or feel anything . I figured I was probably dead . But then I could tell I was near my mom or sister . I was either being held while standing up or lying in the arms of my mother or sister . I hadn 't heard anybody ask me anything . But I just crossed may arms back and forth in front of me a couple of times , as if to say , " No , thanks . Don 't do anything for me . I 'm already dead . Don 't worry about it . " I had made the arm motions because I couldn 't talk . But now I could . I must have heard somebody ask me a question , because I now said , " Oh , no , I can 't see anything . But I 'd rather not see right now . I really don 't want to know what I look like . " I was driving or running along somewhere during the afternoon . I was probably in some suburban part of town , flat , with a wide , cloudy sky overhead . I suddenly began to pass under an even cloudier section of sky . The clouds were low , thick , and grey - black . They looked like they could send down spikes of lightning at any second . I was really afraid . I began to move faster , hoping I could get out from under these clouds or into whatever building I was headed for before the lightning started to get really bad . But I also realized that it was a kind of cold day . It was too cold , I thought , for lightning actually to strike - - despite my ominous tactile sensations , which always seem to surface on my skin before thunderstorms . I was less worried , but not quite convinced the lightning wouldn 't strike . But I probably slowed down my running or driving a bit . I was in some room like a living room . I was listening to some device which may sometimes have looked like a cassettee Walkman , a CD Walkman , and an iPod . I was listening , apparently , to a compilation of versions of the song " Independence Day , " by Elliott Smith . Every version was apparently done by Smith . Each song seemed to be a bit more and more distracted or corrupted versus the original version . I was getting a little frustrated , hoping I could eventually get back to the original version . I wanted to sing it , but I couldn 't quite remember how it went . One of the final versions I heard was actually some dramatic theme from one of the Star Trek series . I was reading some horizontally scrolling text on my device that said this theme had been influenced by " Independence Day . " The theme was orchestral and electronic , I think . But the melody sounded a lot like the beginning guitar playing for " Independence Day . " After that , some of the progressions sounded the same , though the actual melody became something of its own . I was possibly using a laptop in some living room . My third oldest nephew came up to me and started acting annoying . I got all pissy . I stood up and stomped away into the kitchen , then used the laptop in the kitchen . I probably felt bad for having gotten so pissy . A young woman stood to my left . She may have stood at the edge of the dark booth , so that a bit more of the rest of the light of the convention hall was hitting her . The woman stood resting her arms atop some waist - high pedestal . There may have been a line of pedestals , with a pedestal near me as well . The woman began complaining about her boyfriend . Her boyfriend had been going to college . He had probably gone back to school after having done a little bit of a career . But now he either had dropped out or was on his way to dropping out . He had been losing focus in school and was most likely through with it all . The woman was disappointed . She said the man didn 't even think anything was wrong with him . But the woman could see it . The woman could see how her boyfriend was mentally trailing off , slacking off in everything . But the man thought he was fine . In fact , he thought he was getting more and more in shape mentally all the time . As the woman told me this , I looked off to my right . A big video screen ( or projection screen with a video projected onto it ) was playing some sort of black and white art video . At first the video showed a string of Chinese characters , all moving downwards along the screen kind of quickly . These images were interspersed with other objects , giving the feeling of something like strings of stars being pulled downward through the sky . As I saw all this I thought that perhaps the man had been studying Chinese , at least as a part of his courses . But he was slowly losing focus , and was taking less and less care with his studies . The woman , I assumed , was really disappointed about this . The man , I supposed , was of Chinese descent . So the woman found it important that the man knew Chinese . But now the man was totally neglecting his Chinese studies . I continued to watch the screen . The strings of characters and symbols were now all trailing downward , drifting into a few strings of dots of light . Eventually there was just one string of dots trailing downward . I knew , regarding the man , that this was probably a bad sign . I was in a big room , like a cafeteria or a communal room in a university . The place was packed with students . A lot of the students seemed old . Some of them were kind of fat , not dressed very well , kind of messy . The whole place seemed very chaotic . I stood near a line of folding tables . There were workers behind the tables , probably helping the people in front of the table get registered for certain classes , or possibly advertising certain classes to the people in front of the tables . I may now have been in or near a school bus . I may have been hearing a conversation in my head between a young woman and myself . The young woman seemed to be pushing me to go back to college . But I really didn 't want to do that . The bus was out in a dirt lot . Propped up on the ground near the bus was an LED sign with red lettering streaming from right to left . The LED part of the sign was just a small strip . The rest of the sign may have been white with blue lettering and a blue border . The LED strip kept saying something about $ 100 , 000 . I knew that if I went back to college , I 'd end up owing that much money . I was in some big room with a few other people who were probably around my age . The room was possibly like a warehouse of some kind , though it seemed to be too divided and jumbled up to be a warehouse . I and two other people had walked out of one area and into another . This second area was like a long wheelchair ramp up to a concrete deck . Just behind the deck may have been a small structure , possibly like a trailer , or even like a wood - shingled building from the Old West . I had been set up to play a game of dice with my friends . In the game , two people were pitted against each other . The players took turns rolling the dice . The highest roll won . After a number of rounds , whoever had won the most rounds won the match . The winner was then pitted against another person . I had been set up from the very beginning against one of the best players . We would throw the dice on the concrete platform . But the platform was cluttered with all kinds of stuff that might be found on the outdoor patio of a suburban house . So the dice kept rolling all over the place , and we 'd have to look for them . But somehow I kept winning the matches . The man I was playing against said , " I can 't believe it . Never in my life have I lost like this to someone . " I understood that the man had never lost a round of this game in his life . Now he was losing all these rounds to me . He might even lose our whole match . I told myself to keep steady and not to lose my cool . It was now like we were walking back to the concrete platform . Possibly the dice throws had strayed far from there . We got back up onto the platform . I threw the dice . But right as I did , some other man got in my way . He was a bit taller than I , but he seemed a bit younger than I . Actually , he might have seemed like a very young child in some ways , and he may have been clothed in shining , white garments . Also , something about him may have had something to do with the military . My turn came up again . This time I threw the dice near a small table and chair set . It may have been just a table and one chair . But as I did this , a tall , fair - skinned man done up completely in a formal Marines uniform walked up behind the chair . Somehow I felt like I was getting in this man 's way , so I was trying to get out of his way , after I 'd thrown the dice . But the dice rolled down onto the ground at the man 's feet . I apologized to the man , though he didn 't seem to mind very much . I bent down to look at the dice . I either lost or couldn 't tell whether I 'd lost . But I knew , from the imbalanced attitude of my two previous throws , that I was getting myself into a frame of mind that would cause me to lose . I needed to regain focus if I was going to win . Now it was the other man 's turn to throw the dice . He 'd thrown the dice , but they 'd apparently landed somewhere that made them really hard to read . I stood by the table while the man was off somewhere ( I 'm not sure whether I saw him ) , trying to read the dice . The man seemed to be taking a long time reading the dice . I was getting kind of impatient for my turn , but I waited . But while I was waiting , I think my mind began to wander . I heard my sister begin talking about recipes my great grandmother used to make . My sister told me that my great grandma would make her recipes step by step . This , my sister said , was different from other people , including cookbooks . I looked to my right and saw something like a big piece of poster board propped up on an easel . The poster board looked like yellow notebook paper . It had typewritten words on it . This was apparently an example of one of my great grandma 's recipes . The scene now began fading into my great grandma 's living room . My sister continued . " What great grandma did was to put steps to everything , not just the ingredients , but all the steps of making the dish . Most cookbooks give ingredients , but for great grandma , the steps were like ingredients . " I was now standing with my mom and sister in my great grandma 's house , right inside the front door . The door was open , but the screen door was closed . It was a beautiful , sunny day outside . A group of girls , maybe six or seven years old , was walking down the street , from the right . I could see them really well , as if there were a big window just to the right of the door . The girls all wore something like school uniforms or Girl Scout uniforms . The uniforms were probably navy blue with white button - up shirts underneath . But the girls also wore green mortar boards , like graduation caps . I got the understanding somehow - - like I was in psychic communication with a woman who was leading the group of girls - - that the girls had graduated from some kind of class . My sister was still telling me something about my great grandma . And I was actually feeling a bit impatient to get back to my game of dice , which I was probably sure I could still win . But now the green - capped girls were walking up to the front door . I could now see that the " mortar boards " were actually made out of green construction paper . The board part was just a square of green construction paper . The cap part was a piece of paper that had been rolled and then taped or stapled into something like a cone shape . A kind of fat , white man may have been talking about how he was the reincarnation of Cleopatra . I now saw a vision of Cleopatra ( or Elizabeth Taylor as Cleopatra ) reclining on her right side . Near Cleopatra was a fishbowl . Cleopatra may have thrown a goldfish into the bowl , with a few other goldfish . I then heard a voice tell me that Cleopatra , after she died , took the souls of all her followers and threw them into a fishbowl of reflection . I took this to mean that somehow Cleopatra had a greater soul than other people . So when she died , she could still control the souls of the people who followed her To Cleopatra the servants ' consciousness was like that of goldfish . So she threw the servants into the spiritual equivalent of a fishbowl , and caused them to see their reflections in the fishbowl as images of Cleopatra . Because of this , the servants thought of themselves as reincarnations of Cleopatra . And in this way , from the spiritual world , Cleopatra kept her servants serving her on the physical plane . I was at some kind of big dinner . It was in some place like a school gym . The lights were all greenish fluorescent , like big floodlights hanging from the ceiling . The room was full of tables . I sat at a round table with a few other people . The people I sat with were probably park rangers I 've known . Everybody was talking , like at any old dinner . But it was also like everybody was giving some sort of presentation . The presentation mainly had to do with whether everybody had been doing their job well . At the end , the task somehow fell on me of giving criticisms regarding all the rangers ' performances . I said something like , " Spend less time focusing on showing how much you know about the things you know , and more time learning the things you don 't know , " or " Spend less time talking about the things that aren 't important and more time talking about the things that are important . " While I gave my little criticism , I alternately stood up and sat down . While I sat down , I sat really far back in my chair . The whole time , everybody else at the table was blocked from my view , as if there were some huge candle or centerpiece or pile of clutter on the table . The conversation apparently started up again . Again , I was asked to respond . But this time , when I responded , I saw , sitting to the right of one of the rangers , an old friend of mine , KB . She looked really healthy and young , though kind of skinny . She had short , spiky hair and a shiny , black leather jacket . She waved to me surreptitiously and smile - smirked a little . At first I didn 't think it was her . But then I realized it was . As I sat down I tried to look past all the stuff on the table to see KB again . I could tell that she could see me and recognize me alright , even though I couldn 't quite see her . I was probably about to call out to KB . But something else happened . It was like there was now something else going on in the gym , like a physical contest of some kind . It probably involvled high school kids . I was somehow a part of it . The gym floor was cleared out . The conestants sat on either side of the floor . I sat among one of the group . The contest may have been explained , or I may have known what it was about at the time . But I don 't remember now . It was something like a race . There may have been something to do with thin , wooden frames and creme pies as well . There was also something to do with a test of strength . I think this got me worried . I was worried about something with my shoulder or something with my arm . The scene of the contest shifted . It was like the contest , or at least part of the contest , was over . I had possibly embarrassed myself in some way during the contest , probably disappointing my teammates as well . It was like the gym was mostly cleared out , quiet and empty . I sat on the floor . Two or three young men sat near me . They all started talking about how I should do this or that next time to keep from failing so bad at the game . They did it in a kind of joking way , like they thought something about my clumsiness was endearing . They probably eventually gave up and just told me to come sit by them . But when I sat by them I was sitting with a whole group of high schoolers again . There may have been a general feeling of disappointment from everybody , as if nobody could believe I actually had to be on their team . I would really slow things down for them . Most of the people who thought this seemed to be guys . But there were a few girls who thought I was cute . They were happy to have me around . I was sitting by myself again , a few meters in front of the team I had been sitting with . The gym looked different now . It was like there were window walls or high - up windows - - windows somewhere - - showing the black night sky outside . I had the feeling I was supposed to be giving some kind of presentation . But there were a few girls in the front row of the team I had been sitting with . One or more of the girls started asking me questions , like advice questions about their lives or about paying bills . They asked partly because they thought I could help , but partly because they thought I was cute and they just wanted to talk to me . I was a little nervous about talking with them . I didn 't want the boys to be jealous and start causing troubles for me . I was now sitting right next to one of the girls . She was kind of skinny , with long , dark brown hair . She wore a dark , velvet mini - dress and something like a velvet rose in her hair . She started whispering her questions into my ear . I was down in the basement of my family 's house . My nephews were down there , too , running around and making messes out of things . Some of them ran into the laundry room . Others were messing around in the main part of the basement . I was trying to get them all to stop and just go back upstairs . But they wouldn 't listen to me . Finally they all just jumped into the bathroom . They left the door open a crack , so that I could see they were running around in there , making messes . I was getting really angry . At last , I opened the door and grabbed the first kid I could see - - my youngest nephew . I held him by his right arm and held him outward from me . He didn 't struggle . It was like he was some solid , motionless object , like a coffee pot . I walked up the stairs and into the living room . It was night . The only light in the living room came from the hallway . The living room seemed to be just as busy with kids as the basement had been . My brother - in - law was standing in front of the TV , which was shut off . I handed my nephew over to my brother - in - law . I was at a small but nice movie theatre , kind of like an art house theatre . I had just bought a ticket and was headed upstairs to one of the theatres . The stairway and hallway I walked through were small and dimly lit , with walls either painted or wallpapered with a yellowish color , so that they looked like stucco walls , like in some big , old , exotic building . The movie ticket was more like a credit card receipt with a barcode at the bottom . I 'm not sure why , but I tore the ticket in half , maybe even in fourths . I may have thought for a moment that I didn 't want to see the movie after all . But then I decided that I did want to see it . Now I felt kind of stupid for having torn my ticket . But I thought that if I held it together I could at least make it so the ticket taker at the door to the theatre would be able to scan the barcode and verify my ticket . But I also worried that maybe the ticket taker wouldn 't let me in because the ticket was torn . The ticket taker might think I 'd gotten the ticket from somewhere like out of the trash , and that I was trying to use a ticket that had already been used . I knew that I could easily explain the ticket was mine . The date and time on the ticket were from when I purchased it , only a few minutes ago . So I couldn 't have just gotten a used ticket out of the trash . This movie theatre was one I 'd always gone to . I knew that if the ticket taker was the guy I usually saw - - who was actually the CEO for a solar power company - - then he 'd let me in with no problem . But I got out of the hallway and walked up through the upstairs lobby to the door of the theatre . The ticket taker was a young , Hispanic man with a very close haircut and a low hairline . Beside him stood one of his friends , a worker who was neglecting whatever work he had to do so he could talk with the ticket taker . The ticket taker took my torn ticket . Already I could see that the guy resented me , just because of my looks . He would have done anything to keep me out of the theatre to begin with . But the torn ticket made it easy for him to keep me out . The young man told me something about my ticket . I was already ready to just give up and leave . I was in the lobby of a school , probably like an elementary school . The lobby was like an intersection for a number of hallways , some of which were probably more like covered outdoor walkways than hallways . The floor of the lobby was a kind of deep green . There were a lot of children and a few adults rushing about , as if a class were about to start , or as if school had just ended for the day . Most of the people were probably heading for the front door , which was off and to my right . But I was heading toward a hallway that was across the lobby from me and up and to my left . But I saw that the double - doors to the hallway were closed . Since it was the end of the day , and the doors were closed , it likely meant the doors were locked . I was probably going to head to the doors anyway , to see if I could get in through them . But some kids probably saw me . They probably knew that I would find the doors were locked . But they probably wanted me to get in . Either they spoke about getting me keys , or I could " read in their thoughts " that they were going to get me the keys , or I imagined that they were going to get me the keys . In my mind 's eye , I could see a keyring kind of stuffed full of thin , flimsy keys . I was walking out of some place like a grocery store . The cash registers were to my right , and a window wall was to my left . Up ahead of me was a smaller corridor that led to the automatic doors leading out of the grocery store . It was a sunny day , and the sunlight coming into the store made the store feel kind of cozy , even though it was really actually kind of run down . As I was walking , there were two women walking and talking behind me . The women looked ( even though I couldn 't see them ) young - - skinny , blonde , tan , pretty - - but a little worn out , somehow . And their voices sounded old and a bit stern and grizzled . The two women were talking about different choices of religion . But one of the women said she preferred not to use the term religion . Instead , she preferred to use some euphemistic term , like " spiritual pathway decision . " I was in a big , but cluttered and kind of run down kitchen with a young man . There was a food prep counter in the center of the kitchen , off to my left . The man stood there , while I stood before a kind of old , heavy metal stove , watching a pot of noodles boil thickly . The man began explaining something to me from behind the clutter on the food prep counter . It was probably about the right way for letting noodles boil . As the man continued his speech , my view backed up from the stove . The stove seemed to be cluttered with all kinds of things like sheets and gigantic rolls of Saran Wrap . But as the man continued his speech , which seemed to be mostly illustrations of how to mess up on boiling pasta , the stove top became cluttered with piles and piles of huge , boiling noodles . The noodles stopped boiling . The man showed me some of the noodles . Some of the noodles were hollow cylinders , maybe 10cm long and 6cm in diameter . They were boiled really soft , and they all had traces of something like dirt or silt on their inside , bottom surfaces . The man made me taste the noodles and see how bad they were . In particular the man had me note the " resin " ( the dirt ) that had been boiled into the noodles . I was a little surprised . For some reason , I 'd thought resin would be something sweet and syrupy , not dirt - like . I wondered whether the man wasn 't wrong in calling this stuff resin . I was looking over a resume for somebody who wanted me to hire them for my company . The resume was just a sheet of paper with a picture on it . The picture took up almost the whole page , and it was bordered by some kind of zigzag drawing , possibly interspersed with crayon colors , like something a little child would draw . Below the photo were a few lines , on which were written a couple statements in huge , childlike handwriting . The photo was of a man standing before a car like a DeLorean . The man stood on the driver 's side of the car , right in front of the car 's grill . The man was kind of old , bald , and a little egg - shaped . He wore an all - white uniform : white shirt , untucked , and white slacks . I knew that Gerald Wilkes Booth was the man who assassinated John F . Kennedy . I wondered how someone could do something like that , and become so notorious , and then just think they could apply for a job without anybody catching on who they were . But I also began to worry . Now that I knew who this guy was , would other people now associate me with him ? I was outside , probably in front of a tall , white house or a white apartment building . I received news that a person I had formed a relationship on behalf of the business I worked for had committed suicide . The person 's name was mentioned , and I heard it very plainly . I was surprised to hear that this man had committed suicide , and I was sad for him . But I also worried about myself . It seemed like everybody I was forming relationships with for my business was dropping out from the thing they had signed up for , for one reason or another . I wondered how I could have chosen such consistently unstable people . I imagined that the man had either hung himself or shot himself . While still standing out in front of the building , all by myself , I began to have a lot of white flashes flood my view . I assumed these were the flashes the man saw as he died : something like flares from the impact of bullets , or something like that . I was now standing outside in the mountains . The sky was starry and dark blue . The ground and branches of the pine trees were covered with snow . There were other people at a certain distance from me , all facing away from me and toward something else , as if they were engaged in some sort of task that I probably should have been a part of . A man began speaking to me , probably in my head . He was an older man , Chicano , or possibly Native American . He was some kind of worker , possibly a parks worker or a truck driver . He told me that it was getting harder and harder to work here because of the thieves and other kinds of criminals that were around . I told the man that the best thing to do was probably to head up to the top of the mountain . I now looked over and saw the mountaintop I was referring to . I could see that I was on a kind of plateau , about halfway up the mountain . The mountain then sloped up and went to a very high point . I told the man that high up on the mountain nobody would bother him . I may even have thought of heading up there myself . I walked toward the crowd . There seemed to be a man at the front of the crowd singing . There was a yellowish light on him or behind him , making the atmosphere around him very warm . The man sat on a stool before a microphone and played an acoustic guitar as he sang . It was kind of like an open mic night at a coffee shop . I was now inside a bar or a cafe that also served alcohol . The man ( or somebody else ? ) now seemed just to be getting started with his set . I thought I should stay there and hear his set . But now everybody who had been sitting , on stools as well , around the man were getting up and filtering out of the crowd . I was one of the few people left . It didn 't seem like the other remaining people were really certain they would stay , either . I looked around , trying to decide whether I should stay or go , like the crowd had . As I looked around , my eye caught a woman serving drinks to the remaining people . I thought that maybe this " concert " had a two drink minimum . I didn 't want to drink any alcohol . But I knew I had to drink something . I could see that the woman serving drinks had a glass , or a few glasses , or seltzer water . I thought that maybe I could just drink seltzer water . I saw that the edge of the bar , which was to my right and maybe three meters away from me , had a few glasses of seltzer water on it . I looked over to the wall behind the singer . There was a dark , wooden , shelf - like counter for people to stand and drink at . There was a whole line of glasses of seltzer water . These glasses had been drunk out of . Some glasses were empty . Others were half - empty . I thought that I really didn 't want seltzer water . It didn 't have any taste . But I didn 't want liquor , either . I walked up to the bar and asked the man behind the bar , " Can I just have a Pepsi ? " The man nodded and was about to pour me a Pepsi . But I then said , " Oh - - no - - wait a minute . Maybe I can get one of those drinks . Those virgin , oh . . . how do you call it ? A Shirley Temple ? " The man kind of laughed at me for ordering a Shirley Temple . But he started making it for me . I walked back toward the audience seating area , feeling a little silly for ordering such a froofy , non - alcoholic drink as a Shirley Temple . Some woman was talking in my head . I knew she was a kind of healthy , but stern and worn - looking , blonde woman . She may have seemed like she was in her late forties , given her worn look and her sombre kind of attitude . But she may really only have been in her early twenties . The woman told me that the man who had committed suicide had really actually died from something biological . He had either eaten a kind of food he wasn 't supposed to eat , or else he had eaten too much of the food . His eating habits had killed him . I suddenly felt a lot better . I had previously thought that the man had committed suicide in a more violent way . If this had been the case , my choice to have started up a business relationship with him would , apparently , have shown my carelessness in discernment of personality . But because the man had only killed himself in a benign way , like eating the wrong foods , I hadn 't been such a bad judge of character , after all . |
* I read the poem to Ian in it 's entirety ONCE , and then asked him questions . Ian , we are going to read a poem by Emily Dickinson . Before I read it to you , do you know anything about Emily Dickinson ? SHE WAS A RECLUSE A point of view is the way an author lets a reader " see " or " hear " what is happening . What point of view does Dickinson give the reader ? OBSERVER Ian , poets are very precise in their use of language . Let 's work on precision . Give me one word to describe Give me one word to describe Emily Dickinson … . LONELY According to the Greek story , Damon and Pythias grew up in Sicily , and they were always best friends . One day when the two of them were visiting the city of Syracuse Pythias made some remarks that were considered to be insults to the king of Syracuse , and the king got very angry . The king had Pythias arrested and sentenced him to death . What happened while the friends were in Syracuse ? KING OF SYRACUSE WAS INSULTED AND SENTENCED PYTHES TO DEATH ( I pointed out the correct spelling - Pythias - to Ian . This was a great phonetic attempt of such a hard name ! ) What does ins ult mean ? NOT NICE WORDS Pythias said , " Couldn 't I just go home and tell my family what happened and say goodbye ? " But the king said , " Why should I trust that you would come back to face your punishment ? " Damon said , " I will stay with you while Pythias goes home to say goodbye . If he doesn 't come back , I will accept his punishment . " The king couldn 't believe anyone would trust their friend so much . But he agreed to let Pythias go . He was supposed to be back in one month . If he wasn 't back by the end of the month , the king would kill Damon instead . Pythias went home , and said goodbye and set out to return to face his punishment . But on the way back , his ship was attacked by pirates . Pythias tried to explain to the pirates , but they just threw him overboard . Pythias swam to shore , but then he didn 't have any money or a horse or any way of getting back to Damon . He was so worried that Damon would be killed ! He started to run as fast as he could towards the king 's palace . Meanwhile the king was telling Damon , " See ! Pythias has abandoned you . I told you he 'd never come back . " But Damon knew his friend would never leave him to be killed . Damon knew Pythias would not abandon him . On the last day , the king had Damon tied up and took him outside into the courtyard of the palace to be killed . But Damon was still not worried . He knew Pythias would come . And sure enough , just as Damon was about to be killed , Pythias came running in . He was filthy dirty and his clothes were all in rags from swimming in the ocean . And he had lost his shoes and had to run barefoot the whole way . But he was so happy to have come on time ! He cried out , " See ! I have come back . Let Damon go ! I am ready to take his place now . " How do you think Damon felt when Pythias returned ? RELIEVED Kyle Thompson was born in Chicago on January 11th , 1992 . He began taking photographs at the age of nineteen after finding interest in nearby abandoned houses . His work is mostly composed of surreal and bizarre self portraits , often taking place in empty forests and abandoned homes . He has no formal education in photography . What is the name of the person we are talking about ? KYLE Do you want one ? YES … . ( this may be something to consider as Ian is able to use the letter board at home . I have RPM clients on FB and there are others out there who really enjoy using FB just like the rest of us ) Let 's talk about Kyle 's photographs . ( I showed Ian the pictures above and asked him to pick one that resonated with him . He picked the top left photo ) . I LIKE THIS PICTURE BECAUSE HE IS EMERGING FROM THE SWAMPY WATERS . IT IS LIKE THE WAY I FEEL . I AM EMERGING FROM THE SWAMP OF SILENCE . ( Beautiful ! ! ! ! Great metaphor ! ) Posted on April 12 , 2014 by Karl Nordling Reply First I should say a few words about the Rapid Prompting Method . It was developed by Soma Mukhopadhyay , ( see her website here ) the mother of an autistic boy . It is based on using a letter board that the student uses to spell out the words he wants to say . The rapid prompting part is that the teacher prompts the student to quickly find the next letter by touch , or voice , or nudge , or noise , or whatever stimulus she has found that the student reacts to . The idea is to establish a rhythm that keeps the communication flow going , and definitely not to do the pointing for the student . Another aspect of the method is that the pointing practice is done with challenging academic material rather than mindless spelling exercises . Therefore in her work with Ian , the teacher Elizabeth ( see her website here ) uses topics like " Confucianism " , " photography " , " astronomy " , " humanism " , " Emily Dickinson " , etc . She gives a brief introduction to the topic and then asks Ian questions about it . The following is an example from the session on Confucianism : The most important things to Confucius were peace and order . Why do you think peace and order are important for a society ? FOR SOCIETY TO WORK PEOPLE OR GROUPS NEED TO GET ALONG When my brother had to start school , a year before my formal start , he was super scared , his face turned white , he had a stomach ache , got sick and threw up . Father went with him and took me along . Every day for a couple of weeks we were in the school with my brother . His phobia didn 't get better , but it was August and Father was needed at home for the harvest . He hated leaving him in the school in this condition , and he couldn 't let the grain go to waste either , so he put me on a chair next to him and said : " Now you have Iris here , so I am sure it will be ok . She will go with you and sit next to you so you won 't have any problems with your stomach . " He accepted this and I ended up sitting in the amazing world of school . It was the best school semester of my life . Nobody focused on me . I sat and looked at all the letters , all the pictures that the children drew , heard the hymn they sang in the morning and other songs , was with them outside during recess , and sat among all the other kids . The one called ma ' am , I heard her voice the most , and sometimes there came fantastic stories I could play with in my own world . Strange new words that formed light , colors and shapes that I could play with inside . I got to participate in all the nice things there , the reading aloud together , all the stories that ma ' am told , I could watch all the games and the calisthenics between the desks ; I got to eat milk and sandwiches in the cloak room . I got to be in my world and at the same time be present in the ordinary world in my way , and nobody expected anything or demanded anything of me . The other children used to play at our house , so I and my behaviors were not unknown , and children don 't judge , unless grownups teach them to . My brother probably didn 't need me for very long , but I got to sit there the entire semester anyway . But after the Christmas break I was not allowed to continue . Father tried to arrange it so I could stay there , but with my peculiarities and my strange development I was seen as anything but ready for school . Father said I wouldn 't be much better a year later , but it didn 't help . After one semester school was irreversibly over for me and then I regressed and got depression . I started to wet myself again , stopped responding to attention from others , and resumed some stereotypy : I flapped my hands , spun my head , drooled , resisted undressing , and ran away every day . Father was worried , but decided to give me all possible care and kept at it with a lot of effort until summer came . He often asked : " Iris , what is it with you ? What should we do with you ? Now you are just as difficult as when you were little , and we can 't have that . " But I couldn 't answer , in my world there was no answer , there was only empty and nothing and I didn 't know what was missing , only that it was empty . The summer after this spring semester turned out to be a nice time . It was like I knew I would start school in the fall and I became lighter and lighter in my mood and easier to handle . Father was glad that it was easier make contact with me , and I didn 't go into my state as often , or as soon after contact . I wet myself less often and ate better . I started school , but it wasn 't the same as before . Now I had to sit at a desk , sit like ma ' am wanted , and I was supposed to perform , which was completely incomprehensible to me . At the first opportunity I ran over and sat down where I sat during the first semester and ma ' am came and brought me back to the desk . Ma ' am got irritated and upset , thought me defiant and careless and punished me often by sending me out to the cloak room . I liked that a lot . I could sit there with my ear to the wall and hear everything happening in the class room . I often went Out and floated into the class room and was there in their atmosphere . It was lovely . Then I could float about among the word pictures ; to A as in ape , B as in banana . It took a while before I could stop humming , and since I always used to make some sound to keep me company , it was strange to not hear them . Father had taught me if I wanted to stay in school I had to hum on the inside instead of the outside , and this I had learned to do . I sat there and sounded inside and then others didn 't mind , and I got to stay . Then there was the bell that ma ' am rang . As soon as it happened the kids went into motion and ran away . In the beginning I didn 't understand it , but after a few months it dawned on me that the sound meant that if you were inside you were supposed to go out , and if you were outside you were supposed to go in . Not so that I thought it , or that it would have worked if I was alone , but passively I knew it . That 's how it often was , somewhere inside I knew what different things meant , but I couldn 't translate it into any appropriate action or show that I understood . And then there were the questions . Somebody asked me something and I often knew the answer when it was about some everyday concrete thing . But I never knew what I should do with it , and this led me to start dancing , spinning , rambling , or screaming instead . This inner state where things connect indiscriminately instead of naturally has been the hardest thing for me to get straightened out . It took many years into adulthood before I succeeded in organizing things so they hung together sensibly . I was also wont to provoke ma ' am like when she had just thought of something she was going to sausage - stuff the students with . When I saw what she was about to say , before she formulated it in words , I could pick any word at all , that had nothing to do with her thoughts , and then this word came out of her mouth , " dress " , or " blue paint " , which made her really confused . If I was really mean I could get her to say a cuss word , and then she was crushed for the rest of the day . But it was risky to try to stick in a word that was too much in conflict with her own morals and values , because then she might come to a dead stop , and say nothing at all . Then she would start over , frustrated and irritated , and eventually some unfortunate child who wasn 't paying attention received the brunt of her irritation . She never connected any of this to me . I had learned this trick of influencing people to keep my mother from killing me . When I made her crazy and got her impulses going she was unable to control them . She was frustrated because I wasn 't a normal child and sometimes got the urge to attack me or kill me . For that reason she never wanted to be alone with me and just said : " take her away " instead of doing something to me . That way I was protected from being hurt by my mother . But when I was around seven or eight I figured out that I could divert her anger away from me . When her impulse came , there was a kind of space between her and me where I could stick in something , for example a thought about the " stove " , or " the water faucet is running " , or " somebody is coming " . Then she got distracted and turned her attention to it instead of against me . She didn 't feel manipulated , but was happy that her impulse had been diverted . In my world there was only one thing of each kind . One person had one name , another had another . If somebody 's name was Erik and there was another named Erik , only the first one existed . The other one fell away . Then you had to say Erik Eriksson and Erik Andersson . It was so difficult to generalize , because if there already was one , you couldn 't in the same sentence mean something else by it . This also became my problem in school . First we learned A for apes , B for banana . No problem , I knew the alphabet before I started school . But when the apes and bananas and the citrus were put together to form completely different words ; when you had to think completely differently , it became chaotic for me and I developed a bunch of strange reactions . Then ma ' am sent me out in the hall so I would calm down , and I sat there and became calm . The problem was that I missed learning to read . I didn 't grasp that the letters were abstract symbols that could be combined to form different words , and it took until I was fourteen before I figured that out . Ma ' am didn 't understand how to help me , she just got frustrated . She was sixty - four years old and she had never had a student she couldn 't teach to read and write . I was an abomination that destroyed her peace of mind because I was so strange and incomprehensible . Ma ' am was concerned and called for a meeting . Father was there and said he was sure I learned stuff even if I couldn 't produce results . Ma ' am said she had been a teacher all her life and she would indeed make sure that even I would learn to read and write . If not , I was retarded and then I should be in a special and not a normal class . It offended her greatly that I was such a spoiled child who wouldn 't submit to the rules like everybody else . She tried to get me classified as retarded with the help of various experts , but that didn 't succeed because Father did not go along with it . He agreed that there was something the matter with me , that I was under developed , but not that I was retarded . He had dealt with retarded persons so he knew they were unintelligent all the time . But with me it was different ; I was especially talented in some areas and completely impossible and undeveloped in others . He couldn 't say what , but something was different about me . The experts got together do some tests on me . Father asked to sit in a corner of the room since then they would find out what I actually knew , but this was not allowed . He had to sit in the waiting room . I was in with the experts and they gave me tasks which I didn 't bother to do . According to the tests , I was completely incapable and undeveloped , but they could see that I really wasn 't , so they understood that it involved some kind of immaturity . They tried to get Father to sign off that I was retarded and he refused . In my papers it says that I am " underdeveloped " , with quotation marks . Father 's view that I wasn 't retarded was based on his realization that I did understand , and also that I was able to do most practical chores , although most often it didn 't occur to me to do them . Sometimes when he had the time and inspiration , he tested me . He got out all the clothes I was to wear and laid them out in the hall . Then he stood in the doorway talking with someone . Simultaneously he concentrated on me and thought intensively " Undershirt , undershirt , undershirt … . " , and after a bunch of rituals , climbing in the stairs , waving of hands , uttering of sounds , I got the undershirt on . He continued with panties , socks , long pants , sweater , shoes , and overcoat . After about 45 minutes of sending these directions out in the atmosphere he got me dressed . Then he knew that I was able , but there was something wrong that caused me to not do it automatically or understand that I should do it because it was too cold to be naked . Another of the many times I was to be tested Father again asked if he could sit in a corner of the room . He explained that I didn 't see the point of answering all these questions , but if he could be in the room , even if I couldn 't see him , it would become apparent how much I actually knew . They viewed this as manipulation , and hence he was not allowed . They only got one answer out of me , and from that they could tell that I understood more than a retarded person . And since I could answer one question correctly they thought I was trying to provoke them by not answering the others also . They tried to entice me with rewards , but this caused me to be so intolerable that they gave me the reward without me performing anything . They tried with punishment , i . e . just sitting there quietly and looking annoyed , and then I just started laughing since I enjoyed myself in that situation . On this occasion Father got a lot of criticism . They considered it his fault that I was the way I was , that I was spoiled and was just faking . They were agitated and frustrated because it seemed like a cat and mouse game to them . Father said again if he could sit in the room without looking at me and without saying a word they would get the result they were after , but this they absolutely could not accept . Moreover , their prestige was now involved so the struggle with me was one they intended to win . The test was supposed to take two hours , but they kept at it all day , not stopping until their quitting time . On one occasion when they were relaxing and talking amongst themselves I was sitting in front of a game with asymmetric triangles , and in no time at all I had laid them correctly . When they noticed it and started looking at me I lost my concentration , but they could see it was correct . This was a riddle for them . They understood nothing . This puzzled them and created even more question - marks around my development difficulties . One of the experts understood why Father didn 't want to sign a paper and have me declared stupid . She realized that he understood that I wasn 't normally developed , nor well functioning , so under - developed was probably a better word than retarded . She said something to him to the effect that I did have intelligence but that I had a peculiar way of using it . This satisfied him , because that 's how he saw it also . This was characteristic for me . One moment I didn 't seem to understand anything at all , and the next I displayed brilliant insight . Father had experienced this many times . I could motor - talk , fantasize , and recount and create all kinds of absurd conjunctions , all the way from the universe to the most everyday trivia . If you listened carefully you noticed that not much escaped me , but my way of using what I had picked up was nonsensical . In the middle of all the rambling I might pop out with the solution to a problem that they had wrestled with for a long time . That single sensible sentence I could address to Father and say it in such a way that he , in that moment , could not imagine that there was anything wrong with me . And a few minutes later I was into my word jumble again , and then it was clear that something was off . Father refused to put me in a special class . Not because he was against a special class , but because then I would have to be transported to the city and be with a lot of strange new people , and he knew this I could not handle . He finished the meeting by saying : " There is a law that says that children have to attend school for seven years , but this law doesn 't say what they have to learn , so then she 'll have to stay in the first grade for seven years if she doesn 't learn what you require for her to be promoted . In any case she will not go someplace where she can 't orient herself , because that would harm her and this I will not subject her to . I don 't care if she amounts to anything , but she will at least have a good life and not become shy and anxious like her cousin . " With that the discussion was over and that 's how it became . I got promoted . Not because I learned anything or could provide any kind of evidence for it , but because ma ' am didn 't want me in her next first grade class but instead wanted to be rid of me as soon as possible . And so she accepted that I was like I was . We went to a B - school ( a school with several classes in one room ) , so the first year my brother and I were in the same class room , and this was good for me . Partly because I got to go with him to and from school , partly because he was responsible for me putting on clothes when I went outside and ate my lunch in the cloak room during recess . It was like it had been the previous year and that was secure and pleasant for me . I often sat and observed when my brother and his buddies played and I felt like I was with them the same way I was with them when I sat on the milk platform at home . I never understood when recess was over and I didn 't connect the teacher 's ringing a bell with the idea that we were supposed to go inside . Those kinds of connections were unintelligible for me . Not until my brother said explicitly to me that bell ringing was equal to inside did I get it programmed into my skull . When that had been done I had no problem following that procedure . That 's how it was for most things . If somebody said how it was supposed to be in a way that I could program in I was able to do exactly what was expected of me . But when I tried to learn it on my own because " she ought to be able to do this at her age " , and when on top of that , different rules applied in different contexts , then it didn 't work . My learning system was very awkward and my memory system even more messed up . As a result , although I knew everything that the others knew , I couldn 't use the knowledge in any sensible way , and it was the using of it that counted . It was about using it , but also about using it in a " normal " way . It didn 't click for me because I could never grasp what was normal , how it needed to be for all unspoken expectations to be fulfilled . We had a Christmas party . All of us children stood in two files in the cloak room with the parents somewhat behind . Ma ' am stood beside me and just before we were to go in she couldn 't resist saying to me : " Try to show now that you can go directly to your desk " and wagged her finger . If she hadn 't said that I would have gone directly to my desk , but her turning towards me and talking to me without pre - warning made me completely rigid . It got cramped in my body , and the whole room pressed in on me and I entered another reality that made it impossible for me to go directly to the desk . I was forced to find some way to make my body happy again so that I would be able to go to my desk . When the other kids began going inside , first the one file , and then the other , I started to whirl around and round and whirled myself to the other end of the cloak room and back again and I whirled into the class room behind the last child in the file . Ma ' am couldn 't say anything because with the parents there she had to smile the whole time . The whirling was finished and when the other kids went directly to their desks , I made a right turn and walked behind the teacher 's pulpit and the organ , which was forbidden territory . Then I squeezed myself in behind the long bench with instructional materials that stood in front of the windows . In each window I drummed a couple of times on the window sill . When I had got furthest back in the class room and drummed on the last window sill my body felt glad again and then I could squeeze behind the materials bench again and go to my desk . I sat down without waiting for the order from ma ' am and then all the other kids also did it , and ma ' am became all red in the face . If the parents hadn 't been there she would have told us all to stand up and wait for her to tell us to sit down , but she knew I wouldn 't comply so she was forced to bite the sour apple and accept that for a brief moment she had lost power in the class room . I had waged this kind of battle with my mother thousands of times . When she ordered me to do something it made it completely impossible for me to do as she said , because then I would get annihilated by climbing into a dark empty space , or catch fire or blow up . During that time there were two states for me . Either I was in the emptiness , which for me was the same as dead . It wasn 't something I was actually afraid of , but it wasn 't life . Or else I was in a state where I heard and saw and was aware of my surroundings , which I liked better . Actually I wanted nothing more than to do as mother said , but when she ordered me I lost my grip on that consciousness and went into the emptiness again . And it was like being forced to go to sleep while I was having fun . To avoid this and remain in the consciousness I had to wave my hands , or whirl , or hum , or motor - talk and to keep doing it until mother had stopped thinking about what I was supposed to do . Then first , was it possible for me to approach it . I felt that I had to do it , just not in a " normal " way and not as long as mother was expecting it . What mother usually didn 't notice was that I eventually did as she said . And the times she noticed it she still wasn 't satisfied because I hadn 't done her way . The second year when my brother and his class had moved to another school , Father practiced walking to the school with me . He took the dog along , and it learned the way and to follow me . So that year the dog went with me and turned around at the road crossing . He sat on his side and waited for me to get inside the school yard , and when it was time to go home he was sitting in the same place waiting for me to come out from the school yard . This arrangement only worked if I came across the road . If I went in another direction , the dog sat there and barked all he could but he didn 't follow me . It was too far from home for Father to hear the dog barking , so then it might take a while before I got home . I often went to a small dam where there was a tree with a big branch growing out over the water . There , I sat in hiding and rocked myself Out into the real world . Other times I went into the woods and sat under a spruce tree that I loved . Eventually I went home . Father had followed me a few times and knew where I went so he waited strategically the hours I normally was away . I always went the same way home , and the dog sat faithfully and waited until I came . A few weeks into the new school year a new boy started in my class . He was short and skinny . As a child he had dumped a pot of hot water on himself so his chest and arms were scarred . He had an under - bite and poor vision . He had an atmosphere that I liked . There was something about him that awoke me out of my state of floating in somebody 's presence without making contact . I could sit and watch him during the periods and follow what he learned . I saw when he understood things and could enter it in my lists . In this way I became more cooperative and pleasant for ma ' am , even though it in no way was sufficient . Then there was a doctor 's examination and they found that he needed glasses . His dad had arthritis and couldn 't work , and his mother had to take care of him and everything else so they couldn 't afford to buy glasses for the son . Then the county stepped in . he got a pair of " county - round " glasses , which he got teased and bullied for . One day when I passed the school after a few dream hours in the woods , my class mate sat in the ditch and cried . His glasses were stomped to pieces and he didn 't dare to go home with them . He told me that the big first grader , together with some other boys , had laid in wait for him behind the school yard hedge and beat him up , and that didn 't matter , but they had stomped on and broken his glasses that he got from the county , and this he was in despair over . From the place where he sat you could see the road going in a wide half circle through the open fields . I saw the red haired boy leisurely making his way home . I took a shortcut across the field so that I caught up with him before he made it to the houses and rushed right at him . I beat and beat him till he lay on the ground and begged and pleaded . I stopped but by then he had a black eye and a bloody lip , and he was all dirty from his red hair to his shoes . He was half a head taller than me and lots stronger , but he was stunned by the rage that hit him . Then I went back to the class mate and told him to go home and said that I would tell Father about it and he was sure to fix it . He did so and I ran home to the barn and related the story . To start with he didn 't understand anything and thought it was my usual fantasies , but he sensed that there was something else in what I was telling him , something unusually real , so he asked me to tell it to him again , several times . I told the same story several different ways , but with the same gist . The boy 's broken glasses , the one who did it , that he got beat up by me , and also a bunch of other details that had no proportions . A short while later , the father of the beaten boy called and berated him about his daughter that was so wild and violent that she attacked his son . Father asked him if he thought that there was a reason for it but he maintained that I had just been mean and wanted to do harm . He had indeed heard about me through ma ' am so everybody knew very well that I was peculiar and liable to do anything : throw tantrums and scream , bite and kick . Father asked the man to come with him to my class mate so they could straighten things out . No , that was not possible , that had nothing to do with this matter . Father told him they were poor people , that they had gotten their son 's glasses from the county , that they couldn 't afford to buy new ones , and father wanted absolutely that the boy be able to tell his story in a safe environment , namely his home . Father took me along and we went home to my class mate . We waited there some hours but the father and the other boy never showed up so my class mate told his story to his parents , Father , and me . Then it came out that the boys , with the big one in the lead , had harassed him ever since he got to the school , and that they made sport of getting him to cry , and this time he had managed to not cry and then they took his glasses instead and stomped on them . A few days later Father was called to the principal 's office . He went there and told the whole story . The principal had received a report from the boy 's father and now I was to be punished . Father straightened everything out and got the principal to write a report so that my class mate got new glasses and that was the end of the matter . Any punishment for me didn 't happen either . I got up earlier in the morning than anyone else . If mother had taken away my Iris - smelling clothes and put out new clean ones , the normal spectacle ensued . If she had put out a flannel shirt I turned it inside out because it was softest on the outside and I wanted to have that next to my body . This was not acceptable and we would have a struggle that could last half an hour . I also wanted the buttons in the back so that the collar came above the knitted sweater at the throat ; there was also a fight about that every time . Mother didn 't understand how much trouble I had with my sense of touch . If it wasn 't nice and soft it would be intolerable , unpleasant , and anxious for me . Because of this super sensitivity , if somebody caressed me with a light touch it was like fire in my body and I got totally freaked out , threw myself backwards and screamed . I always avoided that kind of contact and therefore I always had an urge or need to lean against something . When the clothes were " broken in " they were soft and they smelled of someone known , that I called Iris , and then it was easy and pleasant for me to put them on and be in them . When I came home from school I was able to change to different Iris - clothes and that also worked for me . But every time mother changed them and I got new clean clothes it was the same hell for me . But she thought I was just defiant and stubborn , that I just wanted to make trouble for her and create a scene to get attention . Such was not the case . That 's not what motivated me ; it was the discomfort with my skin that caused my reactions . The same difficulty arose when I had to start to wear shoes in the fall . I couldn 't stand shoes , so I put on booths . Mother wanted me to wear shoes when the weather was nice ; she was ashamed of me when I walked in boots in warm sunny weather . Then I would normally go barefoot , but that wouldn 't do at school . Ma ' am complained about it and mother hassled me . Father tried to get me to wear shoes but that didn 't work any better . He didn 't understand either that my feet hurt so much it was unbearable to wear shoes , that I got all preoccupied inside and it became a kind of anguish that caused everything else to disappear from my world . This struggle continued until I was eleven . Then I inherited a pair of leather shoes that were just right , that were made of real leather and fit like a glove . The same story took place when winter came and I was supposed to wear snow boots . They were just as uncomfortable as shoes and I put on my rubber boots instead . Mother considered it too cold and she didn 't intend to be embarrassed by not getting me to wear snow boots . She put heavy wool socks on my feet so I couldn 't fit in the rubber boots , but then I took my brother 's which were bigger , and to her chagrin I was wearing rubber boots anyway . After a week she finally won the battle and I accepted the snow boots . The thing was , I didn 't have a lot of perseverance , so sooner or later the function that had created the resistance got turned off . It had to do with my inner focus and nobody knew , including me , when it would shift , but it did shift all of a sudden . Different periods came with different hang - ups , some simple that my surroundings could ignore as eccentricities , and others that were more difficult to deal with which they were forced to confront me with , and this was hard for whomever had to do it . It only lasted for a time because after a while it got integrated into my patterns and then it didn 't bother me anymore . It could come back , but then only for short periods . I was very dependent on ma ' am having a structure : that she did things the same way every day . The important thing was not that she told us her plan for the day and stuck to it . The important thing was that she had a structure within herself . When she did have that , it came out in the atmosphere where I could see it , and then I could be present in my own way in the class . But when she didn 't have a structure , like when she had a cold or was preoccupied with her own problems , no structure came out in the atmosphere and I wound up in the emptiness . The content wasn 't too important , it could vary , I liked that , but the pattern needed to be the same . When we got to school we put our outer garments in the cloak room , and were in our stocking feet or slippers . Then everyone lined up in a file and went inside when ma ' am opened the door and rang the bell . Everybody said : " Good morning ma ' am " and she answered : " Good morning " and said the name of the pupil . I didn 't answer but I waited anyway for this event every day . Then we sat down on command and ma ' am told us if there was somebody who was ill . Then she read a verse and we sang a hymn . The hymn was written on the board so everyone could read the text . It was changed every week , so it was about forty hymns per year that were used . I didn 't sing but I learned the words and played with them in my mind , let them pass in review as long patterns forming the strangest shapes . At my confirmation I could recite all the hymns that had been used during my school years , but without understanding the religious meaning . Connecting to something as abstract as an invisible god that somehow constrained people 's thinking , acting , and doing , that fell outside my range . There was nearly always somebody who misbehaved during the first hour of the morning and it often ended with himher getting some form of punishment , dunce cap on in the corner , or sitting in the cloak room until recess , later to be allowed inside and receive the admonishment from ma ' am . I loved these kinds of interruptions . It got like fireworks in the atmosphere and I could be floating around in it while it lasted . Then ma ' am took over command , and if nothing else happened to enrich the atmosphere , my stereotypy soon started . I waved my hands , pulled the skin off my lip , jerked my head sideways . Then ma ' am usually got irritated , or some class mate complained to her . Then she dealt with me , and after a while there was movement in the atmosphere and I could stop . Thus the second school year elapsed with many small incidents . Like my mother , Ma ' am was disturbed by my mere presence and wished the whole time that I wasn 't there , or rather that my disposition was like the other children 's . But it wasn 't and Father tried to tell her the only thing was to ignore the disposition I had . But this they couldn 't , they got frustrated and irritated and felt I was the one that caused their discomfort . In a way I needed to have somebody in an emotional state , whatever the emotions were , so that I could be present and participate in the ordinary life . Otherwise I ended up in my own world and was far away from contact with the human sphere , and that was even more irritating for ma ' am , because then she knew that I didn 't learn anything essential . I never knew that people distinguished between positive and negative feelings . Since I didn 't experience them myself , I thought one kind was just as good as the other . School was good for me and I learned a lot , even if it wasn 't what was intended , i . e . reading , writing , and arithmetic . I learned to copy words , almost like drawing a picture of an object in the room ; the word I drew was just a picture and I knew what the picture meant , but I was not receptive to learning . I observed what was around me but did not participate in the sense that impulses and initiatives arose in my mind that would cause me to respond , learn , and have new insights . The little that I memorized was mostly parrot knowledge . Then it was over when it was over , and I had no reconnection to it later so as to be able to repeat it in a test or in practices . Then I would do something completely different , because I didn 't understand what I was supposed to do ; what was expected of me . It was a great source of irritation for ma ' am because she mainly thought that I was sassing and provoking her . She felt hurt and offended and thought me rude and inconsiderate since I had no regard for her feelings . This was true . This I didn 't know how to do . I didn 't understand a whit about that you could get such feelings , or that they were negative . At graduation ma ' am cried and said this was the worst school year of her life and moreover it was her last before retirement . She said she had not been able to manage me and that I was a blot on her professional pride as a teacher . I didn 't grasp that this was something negative so I was quite pleased that she talked about me and mentioned my name several times . It got very light and beautiful in the atmosphere . People commented later on how I could look so pleased about having been such an affliction for the teacher . There were pupils from several communities , so we went from being a small class to one of about 30 students . It was hard for me because there was so much new all at the same time . A new teacher , new students , a new school all in combination often caused me to escape to a bath house in the park and sit on a boulder behind it . There I could sit and be in my own world . When the lesson had been under way for a while some of the others came to get me and I followed them inside . The new teacher had heard about how strange I was , and Father had met her and gone through most of my behaviors and how best to deal with them . She had no prestige vested in having it done her way and this made it easier for me to be in her atmosphere . She was a joyful person and quite boisterous and this made the atmosphere around her animated . We sat two by two which suited me very nicely ; I could copy my seat mate 's exercise book . She was left handed so it was easy to see her word pictures or figure pictures since her hand was not in the way . Consequently it was not clear what I knew and didn 't know , because what I turned in was often ok even if it suffered from the same errors that the other girl had . Fortunately she was very good and made few errors so it wasn 't too obvious that I copied her . As for reading , I didn 't know how to put letters together but I was good at listening and remembering . If had reading homework , my brother read it to me a couple of times while I was looking at the book memorizing the word pictures I looked at , and eventually I learned the whole thing by heart . The problem was when I had to read aloud and had missed some little word like " and " or " it " . If the teacher stopped me then I couldn 't continue on , but had to start over from the beginning . What saved me was that the teacher didn 't have the patience to listen to it again , but let the reading be continued by someone else , and this way I got along ok . Then it was time for yet a new school and a new teacher , a man who had a master 's degree . We were the same students as before so that was a known , but there was a whole new atmosphere around this teacher . He thought I was interesting and he said already one of the first days : " I have no idea what 's the matter with you but I will really try to make sure that you can learn what you are supposed to so I can give a report on you also . " Then he placed me in the first row , just below where he usually stood and he always had his focus on me when he was talking to the class . It was a brand new experience that I had not had before . A person who was interested in me without being frustrated or irritated or wanting to train me to be something other than what I was , that was like a new world . Sure , Father had the same attitude but it was still something special , I had never met anyone else with interest in me , a real interest in trying to understand me . He told the class that since I had some difficulty understanding the material by reading it myself he would go through it all during class and that this would make it easier for all the others as well , since they would need to only brush up on it at home . It got me some brownie points with the class that they got a new method of teaching that made it easier for everyone . It also turned out that the weaker students could absorb the knowledge more easily and thereby got better grades . Now I know that wasn 't the whole truth . I have since realized , after many years of study and mentoring in schools , that he was an extremely capable pedagogue , who was able to use himself in the teaching process in a remarkable way , that is still just as unique . He had the ability to sense what the individual students needed to best be able to learn and to incorporate this in his teaching method , giving all the students the best chance of learning . For him there were no difficult students , only challenges to be mastered and turned into strengths . He could see exactly what he needed to say and do to make the stuff he was talking about comprehensible for me . And he knew how to do it with the whole class involved . The class understood in the " small field " while I understood in the " bigger field " . And this was something entirely new to me . He knew he was a good teacher , but unlike Emma and Fil , he wasn 't aware of being present in the real world at the same time he was talking in the ordinary world . He could see when I hadn 't understood and then he repeated it again in a different way . During tests , he took me with him to the supply room while the others were writing in the class room . There he read the questions to me and let me talk . When I said something that could be used as the answer he wrote it down , and continued like that throughout the test . When this was done he gave me a blank sheet of paper and I copied what he had written down , and he accepted that as my response to the test . He did the same thing in all the subjects ; in this way I got a functional work book . He couldn 't figure me out , on the one hand I had memory like an elephant and could describe details that most of the other kids promptly forgot , and on the other hand I seemed completely lost and couldn 't answer the simplest question . In Swedish class he gave different composition topics for us to write about . I made a bunch of incomprehensible word pictures that neither he nor I could read . Then he had me stand by the lectern and tell a story and he wrote it down as fast as he could . He knew if he asked me to pause , I would start on a whole new story , which he did not want . Then I had to copy what he had written on my paper and he accepted that as my composition . " It was told by you , composed by you , written by you , so I can use it as the basis for your grade . " In math it was more difficult but he gave me a template to fill in and then he read out the numbers over and over in different ways , and let me do it over until it was somewhat correct , then he accepted it as the answer . The whole time he was trying to find the entry point for me to get the concept , and he accepted what I managed to accomplish with his help as good enough . He succeeded in making me believe that I wasn 't completely stupid , just had an awkward way of learning . When I started fifth grade with him I had turned eleven during the spring . My year from ten to eleven had been revolutionary . It was during this time that I discovered that people were people , that something existed that was specifically human , that humans could have a different connection with each other than with animals . This was so transformative for me that I ended up in a different world than the ordinary world I had been a part of before . I started to see people as individuals and tried to understand them and what they said , thought , and felt ; what they meant by what they said and how to understand the point of talking with others . I discovered that boys were something other than girls and that there was something special between boys and girls that created light and movement in the atmosphere . I didn 't understand what it was but it attracted me because it was so alive . I discovered that girls behaved differently when there were boys with them than when there were just girls or grownups , and that boys also became different when there were girls nearby and no adults watching . There was something about the contents of what was said also . Boys said a bunch of things for no reason and sense of where it came from , and the girls did the same , both to each other and to the boys . I realized it was something I didn 't understand and I didn 't have a clue how to find out what it was . It was something that other people had that I lacked , an ability that I didn 't comprehend , or how I could get it . That 's the mystery that I have been dealing with the rest of my life . I had learned that if I could think of nothing to say I could listen to the talk around me and seize on a word I recognized and start talking about it as a topic . I could tell what I knew , I could listen to what others knew , I could ask questions . I figured out that you could ask in different ways . One way so you got a yes or a no answer , which was uninteresting , therefore I was always pondering how to ask so the other person would have to explain what heshe knew . This caused me to end up in some strange conversations with people , and I thought it was great fun . Some thought I was batty and others that I was interesting , in any case it allowed me to be included . There were four girls around me paired two by two , and I was the fifth wheel . For me , in my world , I was included just by being in the same place . I didn 't understand that friendship was a different kind of relationship than the one I was part of . The others were strong willed and sometimes their wills collided and one or the other of the pairs broke up . Then I was always there for the one that was left out . I didn 't have a will of my own , I always wanted what the other one wanted , so with me there was never any conflict about what we would do . The girl that most often came in conflict with some of the others became especially important to me . She knew everything about how to be and act , how to dress to be in , and how one should be as a girl . She was thin , cute , happy and cheerful , and a lot of kids collected around her , especially boys . Father knew I didn 't have a good self - preservation instinct , and he realized that I could easily be exploited sexually by boys . But every time I met a guy that made a pass at me and I seemed to be attracted to him I did like my mother had taught me : Can I see him across the kitchen table for the rest of my life ? Most of time the answer was no and then I knew I shouldn 't be alone with that boy . If it was somebody I could imagine across the kitchen table then the next step was to invite him home to talk with Father , and then a lot of them disappeared voluntarily , and there were very few left . Father had confidence in that girl so she got the assignment to never leave me alone , but always go with me home . And that 's how it was ; we were never apart from each other if there were boys . What she did when she was with others or by herself I don 't know , but she and I never separated and we always rode home together . We had sports and different types of exercises and games in school . With individual exercises I might succeed sometimes but often I did something completely wrong and this caused the teacher to demonstrate with me as the guinea pig . First he did it himself , then he demonstrated with me , holding me and getting me to do it as he intended . This was fun and I liked gym very much . I thought I knew how to do it but if I tried it by myself , without his atmosphere and spirit , there were no impulses that steered me the right way . When we were playing handball I did not understand the rules . I kept throwing the ball in all kinds of directions , which interrupted the game so nobody wanted me on their team . Then the teacher told me to " Shoot at the goal keeper " , so I did . Wherever I was on the field I aimed at and shot with all my might at the goalie ; they were hard balls so the goalies did not like to stand in the way of them . I didn 't realize that the goal was where the ball was supposed to end up so wherever the goalie was heshe got the ball thrown at himher . This made me popular and all the teams wanted me and I was placed strategically and became the goal shooter . During the two years under the kindly guidance of my teacher I found out what the reference for life was , and I discovered the value of life , that human values were connected to life . During this period my interest for everything having to do with life and everything one could learn about it grew . I developed a conception of our globe , how big it was , that it was round , where it was located in the universe , that there were people that lived in different places and that life on Greenland , for example , was different from life in Sweden , about America and the emigration , about Africa and imperialism , about the Soviet Union and the cold war , about Sweden as a great power . I absorbed it all like a sponge and I loved collecting all the data I could get access to . Then I could use them when I wanted to talk and in this way I could communicate . The teacher told us about the peanuts in Africa . The authorities accepted only peanuts as payment for taxes and this forced the farmers to raise peanuts instead of something they could eat themselves , and this led to malnutrition . I was fascinated by how it was possible for it to be like that . In the real reality I could see how they could farm in a better way . Why didn 't people fix things when they noticed how bad they were ? I talked for weeks about this but noticed in my class mates that they didn 't give a damn . They often said : " So what ? That 's just how it is . Why should we worry about that , there are much more fun things to do . " I didn 't get this at all . I couldn 't imagine anything more enjoyable in all the world than collecting all this data , organize it into lists in my head and use them to communicate with . The friends around me thought I was impossible , they often asked me to talk about something else , or be quiet . They said what I talked about was boring and preferred gossiping about others . Father was the only one who liked this and relished it with me . He listened patiently to everything I told him about what I had learned and how I thought about it . He asked questions and didn 't seem to be the least bit bored . When I came home from school I went with him in the barn for a couple of hours and told him everything I had heard in school . He smiled and smiled and couldn 't hide his joy at these - in his eyes - strides . He thought that I had grasped something essential in life . He said if I wanted to know about life I could ask old people to talk about their lives . Farmor and farfar had died that year so it was too late to talk with them , but I thought if somebody else shows up I will do that . Now I started to think through all that Fil had told me , all that Emma had told and much that Father had told about his grandfather . Now I could think in a different way . I started to understand contexts and put different things together and discover that this led to new thoughts . It seemed like the world changed with each new discovery and I relished all the stuff there was to know and understand . Not far from our place was an estate that had a brick factory . In the wintertime there were some hobos living on top of the ovens and they were responsible for keeping the ovens fired and at the correct temperature for making bricks . If they did a good job , the squire gave them a meal each day . My brother went there and hung out with them and sometimes I got to go along . He said that they drank and could be violent and you had to watch out for the DTs , and that they might paw on small girls . I didn 't know what pawing was but I understood that it was a no - no . Later I have realized that the risk was minimal with a kid that threw a tantrum if you just touched her so I didn 't really have anything to watch out for . I went there , stood and waited by the doorstep until somebody came and asked what I wanted , and then I said I wanted them to tell about their life . This they were happy to do , they were loquacious and talked much about their lives and their history . They knew who I was because they had been at our place for a meal now and then . They had worked there a few days and got some beer , so they knew I was the parsonage girl . My older cousin , who had the same problem as I , only worse , was often with these men . He had tics and flapped his hands in front of his face and looked in porno magazines , since they had plenty of those . Compared to today they were like Ladies Home Journal , but in those days they were very daring and forbidden . The winter before I turned twelve in the spring , I got to hear on those evenings about a side of life that I didn 't know existed . One of the men had lost his parents when he was six . He had been sold to a farmer who was very mean and beat him . He had escaped with a hobo that came there and since then he had been on the road . The first few years he kept away so he wouldn 't get caught and sent back , and he got better and better at getting food . As a ten - year old he had arrived here and lived on top of the ovens . Looking back , I guess he was about thirty years old , but he was so dirty and ragged that he looked much older . The remarkable thing was that these men were willing to talk about all the misery they had experienced in life , how many beatings they 'd gotten , about all the drinking and fighting they 'd done , about how they had starved and suffered , how nobody wanted anything to do with them , how they couldn 't get work every day . Many of them had nightmares and couldn 't sleep , others saw ghosts in the middle of the day , and could unexpectedly be struck by panic and terror . And still they had a will to live , a joy in life , a light cheerfulness . They were quick to joke and laugh , quick to play and goof around , even about the most serious . One of them was a " tattare " . This meant he had gypsy background , but he had broken with his " baggage " , as he called it , and had wanted to be a normal decent Swede . Unfortunately , he had not succeeded . He couldn 't get a job because he was so dark skinned and looked so foreign . That was something very suspicious in Sweden . He didn 't know how to read and write and didn 't know how to behave since he was brought up with different manners and customs . He used to sneak into the church on Sundays , go up in the balcony and sit on the steps going up to the bell tower so that nobody would see him . He had talked to Father and liked him very much because Father wasn 't judgmental and condemning like other Swedes he had met . The reason he broke off from his family was that his mother had fallen in love with a Swede when he was little and abandoned her husband and him . He was seven then and his father was a violent drunk who at any time would tear him out of bed and beat him black and blue without reason . It was so humiliating that he couldn 't stand it . He asked for help but everyone looked the other way , and a few years later he left . He went from house to house and did day labor , but he was not allowed to stay . Everyone thought he was a thief but he had not stolen a thing in his life . The years from fourteen to sixteen were tough , but then he met an old hobo and got to accompany him here the first time . The old man was dead now but he remembered him and his stories , and he liked to tell them . Two things most of them had in common . They had all lost their home and their mother early in life , and they all drank liquor , home - brew that they got hold of on different farms where they did day labor . Those who had the capacity to work did , and came back with the liquor ration that they all shared . They said it was the only fun they had when I asked why they drank . Few of them had attended school and knew how to read and write , but two were very well read . They had attended the university , and become crazy , as they said , and therefore hit the road as hobos . They told about a life of drinking and carousing with the other students , how they never slept and partied all night , how they had had women , the kind that " lived off their body " , and they had gone to lectures . One of them was an aristocrat . He came from a fine family but had been very unhappy as a child . When he talked about it I understood that he had had similar problems to mine . But he hadn 't had a father that protected him from being punished for his strange behavior . He was raised by a nanny who for practical purposes became his mother . When he started school she disappeared from his life , and after that his life became nothing but a great agony . Without her he was lost and didn 't know how to behave and he was punished every time he made a mistake . When he was fifteen he ran away together with some hobos who had been there doing day work . He stayed in hiding for several days , and then he swapped clothes with one of them so as to not be recognized . He never looked his family up again . Another was the child of a businessman and had a mother who went insane when he was little . He loved her , for she loved him and they played and joked , but when he was five she was sent to an asylum and the father remarried a very mean woman who tormented him terribly . He never saw his real mother again and he still grieved for her . When he was ten and ready to start real - school he was sent to a boarding school where he stayed until he had done his matriculation exam . After that he got a room in Lund and started at the university , but then his insanity emerged and he was expelled . That 's when the two men met and became hobos together . The summer after this winter of enlightenment was completely different for me from the previous . I think it had to do with the different hormone flow in my body , and that something had happened with my consciousness which made it possible for me to understand reality in a different way . I also discovered how little I understood which made me realize that I needed to learn a lot things . For the first time I met an older boy who could touch me in a way that wasn 't unpleasant . We sat in a ditch and talked for many hours and he held me and it was pleasant . Hour after hour passed by and it was morning when I went home . When I got home they had locked my entrance door and I had to come in through mother 's and Father 's bedroom and got chastised thoroughly by mother . Father turned in the bed to look at me and happened to bump into my knee so I fell backwards into the closet with a crash . He burst into laughter which he tried to hide by putting the pillow over his face , but the whole bed was shaking ; then I got to go to my room to sleep . I devoted that summer to discovering closeness , to touch and be touched and not throw a reflex tantrum as soon as somebody wanted to have contact . My difficulty was that I had no clue how you should be or do . I asked all the others what they thought and how they got information , but they just said that they knew , or that it was self - evident , but it wasn 't for me . At least I got to know a bunch of boys and we , the strong willed girl and I , had an enormously good time . Then the last school year started . It was the same school building I had gone to my first years , but then I had been in elementary school . Now I was going to be in high school . He showed from the beginning that he didn 't like me . He had of course had a lot of contacts with my elementary school teachers , and he considered me the dumbest student you could imagine . He told me he would teach me to behave , and he certainly didn 't intend to tolerate any peculiarities and privileges that I had had with my other teacher . He said he had indeed received reports that he was very dissatisfied with . He thought I was spoiled , and it was time that I learned to know my place . Every time I asked something or answered something his face got all purple and he spit nasty words at me . I didn 't understand the nasty words so I asked him what they meant and then he got even angrier and thought I was making fun of him , but actually I did not understand . This caused my class mates to laugh at him , and the he got even more enraged . In the beginning of the semester I sat furthest back , but he brought my desk to the front and let me sit there as punishment . He stood there hanging over me when he was talking to the class and this was very unpleasant . He got altogether too close and I had an outburst . Then he took both the desk and me and threw us out into the cloak room . I sat closest to the door , so it was easily done . I put the desk back up , put in everything that had fallen out and went home . I went straight to the barn and told Father what had happened so he would be prepared if the teacher called . This he did , but the version he gave was very different from mine . But Father , who had had him as a teacher himself and disliked him , believed me more than him so he had no success in trying to make common cause with Father against me . This drove him crazy . Unfortunately for him and fortunately for me he developed a hernia a couple of months into the semester . He ended up in the hospital and had an operation . Then he developed peritonitis and took sick leave for the rest of the semester . We got a young new graduate as a substitute . This meant zero respect for the teachers , chaos in the classroom , few who were not tardy . Nobody did their home - work and nobody did the assignments during class . We mostly ran around buzzing with each other . The substitute grabbed me by my clothes and held me against the wall and said : " I respectfully don 't care if you can read and write , but you need to be clear about one thing : you will not disrupt a single one of my classes again . " Then he let me go and added : " I understand that you have difficulties , and if you want help with learning to read and write , I 'll be glad to help you . We won 't have time for it while I am the substitute here , but the elementary school near here will be changed into a special school , and I am a newly trained special teacher and I can help you after you have finished this school . That school starts this fall . " The teacher had me say the letters in all the words in a text . Then he had me sound all the words . Then I had to read through the whole thing straight and finally I could read and understand parts of it . To practice he gave me an assignment to read two hundred words every day . It didn 't matter what I read so long as I understood the contents . My brother counted out two hundred words in the daily paper and put brackets around them and then I had to struggle through it . First say all the letters , then read the letters as words , then read the words as sentences . When I returned to the teacher , I didn 't have to read through what I had practiced , instead he read it and had me tell him the contents in my own words . It was difficult , it hurt terribly , the anxiety made me climb the walls , but he just sat there and waited , and corrected some home - work while he waited . He never said anything about whether it was right or wrong , good or bad , only that it was good that I kept at it . In the beginning I mostly rambled , and got very little of the contents , but he was not satisfied with that . I had to go home and reread and think through what I was going to tell . It couldn 't be word for word , it had to be my own words . It took me half a year to learn to stick to the contents , to not make things up , add to or take away , to not guess as soon as I got stuck . Then he said I was to write two hundred words each day . I had no idea from where I was going to get the things to write . He said I couldn 't copy from something , that I had to write it from my own head . I got totally confused . There was nothing in my head to write . Then he said I could address somebody , write it like a letter to somebody if that was easier . Then I went home and looked in the children 's magazine Kamratposten . There were fifty personal ads . I picked thirty - one of them and then I wrote a letter each day to them . For two years each of them got a letter per month from me . Some answered , a few I still have contact with , but most of them never answered . That didn 't matter , so long as I had somebody to write to . How they could interpret my hieroglyphics with all the misspellings , and butchered sentences , I don 't know but most of them thought it was ok , they have told me later . The teacher didn 't care if I spelled correctly or not , he thought the important thing was that I wrote and that I could keep it up a long time . The same with the reading , but after about a year he said it was time for me to try reading some books . That seemed like an insurmountable challenge but I asked where I could get the books from . He said I could go home and pick any book and start with it . At home there were no books , since there was no one who was into reading , but one of the uncles read wild - west mysteries so I borrowed one from him . It was a series of books about two buddies named Bill and Ben who took the law into their own hands when they thought the sheriff was too mild with the crooks . As for arithmetic , it mostly amounted to practical application of counting money , and measures for baking a cake , or following a recipe when cooking a meal . To learn to do a reasonableness check if it was dollars or cents for a product , tens or hundreds . To understand the reasonableness of whether it was liter or milliliter that was intended in a recipe . He helped me understand the difference in length between a meter , a kilometer , and a mile as well as the smaller measures . We paced , walked , biked , measured and played store . He taught me to read fact books and think in terms of scale when looking at a map . That mathematics was a description of reality with a special language made me understand the point of knowing mathematics and I have had a lot of benefit from this . He also thought me chronology as applied to the sequence of events in history . We started with kings and then he switched over to all kinds of other subjects , modes of dress , life styles , means of livelihood . He got me to understand the difference between here and now and what had been before and what is coming later , that they were completely different ways to think . This I had not realized before . After two years he said I had learned enough that I could continue on my own . I still read with difficulty and had to reread three times before I grasped the contents , but on the bright side I then retained the contents for the rest of my life , as he said , so it worked out . I could write freely from my head although I spelled like a rake , and after all , there are many who never write at all , and he thought it was better to write even it wasn 't flawless . He gave me a dictionary and he wanted me to read each word many times and write it two hundred times on paper . If I did this with every word in the dictionary , I would eventually be able to spell correctly . This I did . I practiced for many years exactly as he had said and I actually learned how to spell those words most of the time . On the other hand the word order wasn 't especially good and grammatically it was a catastrophe , but slowly , slowly , my self - confidence grew in these areas . |
I like microwave ovens . They have made our lives better , I truly believe that . How else can you get a hot cup of coffee from yesterdays leftover coffee in just about 120 seconds ? Not that I do that . . I mean drink yesterdays left over coffee … Okay … I do . Here 's the thing though , it 's coffee ! That 's my only argument . It should be enough though . I mean it 's like sacred , isn 't it ? If I were living in a cave and discovered the coffee bean and bought it to my fellow cave dwellers they would probably build a shrine for me and worship me … Paint pictures of Coffee beans on the cave walls instead of hands , horses and signs for water . History would have been changed ! Well , would have been changed had that happened . Once , I can 't remember the movie , some western , the character threw the dregs of the coffee in his cup on the fire . The other guys around the fire looked at him like he was crazy … Crazy ! And he must have been . I was just a kid at the time and I thought he was crazy ! After that the other cowboys ostracized him . And he wasn 't asked along for the next roundup . That 's how serious a thing coffee was for cowboys back in the day . So I don 't throw away coffee . Which brings me back to microwaves . Don 't you wish your mind worked the way mine does ? See how I came right back to where I wanted to be ? Okay , I don 't even know how my mind works , I just thank God that it does . So Microwaves … I like the idea of a Microwave , but I do have some issues with them . First , you can not make popcorn consistently . In fact I went to make popcorn the other day and the bag said " Do not use the Popcorn Setting on your Microwave . " Huh . Then why have the setting there ? Isn 't that the whole idea ? Ease of use ? Push one button ? Well we 'll get to that in a minuet . The bag went on to give precise microwave instructions . If you have this many " Watts " use this amount of time . This many , that amount of time . I had a headache when I finished reading it . Finally I put the popcorn back into the cupboard and got some chips instead . I sank into a deep depression over the whole technology thing . How can you eat microwavable popcorn if the button settings are wrong and you have to spend three hours figuring out wattage ? You can 't just get out a pan and some butter , tear open the bag and do it that way , can you ? Well , as I sat eating my chips that I didn 't want I thought about that . There are a lot of buttons on a microwave . For instance , there is a beverage button on mine . It doesn 't work for beverages though . It leaves them too cold or too hot . But what if you accidentally pushed the popcorn button ? And what if you then found out the popcorn button worked for beverages ? Wouldn 't that be great ? Well it does . I tried . But the beverage button will not work for Popcorn . What a mess that was . But in the end , I did go back out there , rip a popcorn bag open , and put it in a pan with some butter . Guess what ? That did work . As for the coffee on the popcorn setting it did come out pretty good , but I have an aversion to using a button marked Popcorn for coffee . But I wonder . If the popcorn companies don 't want you to use it , why do the microwave companies still make a popcorn button ? Hmm . And if the beverage button doesn 't work for beverages , what the hell good is it anyway ? And if coffee is the most nuked beverage , why not a Coffee button ? And , stay with me here , if the Popcorn button isn 't used anyway , why not re - label it Coffee ? Then I wouldn 't have to feel so bad about using the popcorn button for my coffee . Hey , I 'm going to get one of those little label makers and make a coffee sticker and put it right over the Popcorn label . That will solve my problems for now . Feel free to just copy my idea and paste it on your own Microwave ! No need to say thanks . That only leaves the power button on mine . But that is kind of cool . You can press it , set the time amount , and watch the little turntable go around and around … . Hey take a look at Zero Zero . Zero Zero is the first novel length story I wrote . I began this book at 16 and did not finish it until I was in my fifties . I had an idea that writers were magicians , and I just didn 't know how to do the magic . I learned that it doesn 't matter whether the writer thinks it is magic as long as it takes the reader away from life and life 's worries for a while . I realized that in my thirties , but by then the book was lost to time . I happened to get it back because someone had saved a manuscript copy all those years before and so when I mentioned it my mention of it jogged their memory and they went looking ; found it , and presented it to me along with other novels and short stories I had forgotten about . This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only . This book may not be re - sold or given away to other people . If you would like to share this book with another person , please purchase an additional copy for each recipient . If you 're reading this book and did not purchase it , or it was not purchased for your use only , then please return to your bookseller and purchase your own copy . Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author . As he opened the refrigerator , he thought , good thing I brought some food with me , this thing is totally empty . Wonder what the hell the old guy eats ? Cat food ? He had noticed earlier when he had placed the sack in it , that the only other thing in the General Electric , had been a six pack of beer , a half - eaten pizza , and twelve unopened cans of cat food . In fact the whole house had a slip - shod appearance to it , like Peters maybe didn 't spend a whole hell - of - a - lot of time in it , but where the hell else would he be , he asked himself , if he wasn 't here ? Frank instinctively dropped to the floor as the shotgun roared in the small kitchen . He rolled quickly to the left , and then just as quickly he jumped from the drop - roll , and tackled the old man 's legs , taking them both into the living room . Foam , from the dropped can of beer , had spread quickly across the worn kitchen floor ; Frank had almost slipped in it and lost his balance as he lunged for Peter 's legs . Franks eyes almost popped from his head as Peters spoke . He had almost convinced himself that it had been some sort of an accident . Maybe the gun just went off accidentally , he reasoned , and maybe you nearly killed the old guy simply because the damn gun went off . " Okay … Okay , " Peters said , gulping air . " You 'll never make it anyway , you stupid fuck . We were wise to you before you got here . " " The only reason you 're still alive , " the old man continued , " is those stupid ass - holes that were sent to take care of you , killed the kid by mistake . If I hadn 't wandered over to look the place over myself yesterday morning , we wouldn 't even have known about it … Sincerely , you 're fucked Franklin , you might as well just give me that shotgun and call it quits , " " You 're dead meat pal , this deal is much too big to allow some second rate reporter like you to screw it up . You think my supervisor doesn 't know you 're still alive ? You think I 'm that fucking stupid ? If you don 't hand that shotgun over , and let me up , you 're gonna be in a world of shit . " What the hell was so important that they were willing to kill me to stop me from finding out about it ? He wondered , and if they had known before he had left Washington , did that mean they had possibly taken the kids ? Or hurt them ? Or worse ? Had they gotten to Jimmy ? " Listen , I 'm not in the mood to play your stupid games Peters , if that 's really your name . I want the truth , and I want it … right … now . " He punctuated his speech by once again jabbing the shotguns barrel into his ribs . " If you know what 's good for you , you 'll stay there . " Frank warned him . He settled his green eyes on him as he spoke . He wasn 't sure whether he believed Black 's story entirely or not . He desperately hoped he hadn 't been lying when he had said that Patty and Tim were all right . Frank didn 't think he had been , as he had rested the shotgun on his chest , and had told him he would just as soon kill him . The bravery had fled , and Black had looked pretty damned scared as well . Frank supposed he would have been too . " The phone , you piece of shit , " Frank yelled . " You know , ring - a - ling - ling , a phone ? You must have a phone here somewhere , if only to keep in touch with your supervisor , right ? " Frank walked out to the car , glad now that Black had parked it out back , and retrieved the cellular phone . He carried it back into the kitchen , and re - locked the door behind him . He wondered briefly whether the phone could be traced , or was maybe being monitored in some way , but he placed the call to Cora anyway . He had to know that the kids were really okay , and he couldn 't just take Black 's word for it . In the same breath , he didn 't want to scare the kids . So he made up his mind to only speak to Cora , even though he desperately wanted to hear their voices , so that he could put his mind at ease . The longer he sat at the table , the angrier he became . He had to control that anger before he got up from the table and went back down to the cellar and did something he might not be able to forgive himself for , he decided to leave . Enough was enough , there had to be answers , and he was through stepping around the edges of them . The decision made , Frank got up from the table , and found the box of slugs for the shotgun in the bedroom . With the slugs slipped securely into his pocket , he locked up the house , and drove Blacks car into the woods to conceal it . He then made the circuitous trip through the woods to the house across the road , where he now waited patiently for dusk to arrive . After he was sure that the children were okay , he had begun to worry about making the phone call . While it was true that they hadn 't done anything to the children , that didn 't , Frank knew , mean they wouldn 't . If they did go after the children , he was sure they would have one hell - of - a - fight on their hands from Cora , and somehow , Frank told himself , he would find them , and kill them , no matter who they worked for , if they hurt the kids . They had killed him . Black had made no bones about it at all . They had taken him out , the same way they had intended to take Frank out . Darkness descended on the woods where Frank stood waiting , and he crouched low as he ran the few yards to the garage ; fished the keys from his pocket and inserted one into the lock on the old wooden door . The door itself was still intact , and since he hadn 't seen anyone approach the old house as he had sat watching it yesterday , he supposed that was a good sign . Still he was cautious as he raised the door , keeping the shotgun pointed into the interior of the shadowy old garage . He had been positive , while waiting in the woods , that somehow the car would not be there , but when it was , he had become equally sure that the car would not start . So sure , in fact , that he had to fight an urge to exit the car and open the hood , to see for himself whether the new wires were still attached to the distributor and battery . In the end he simply inserted the key , turned it , and it started with no problem . He made up his mind to take the direct route . He had his press pass , so he could at least flash it , and try to get in that way . If it worked he would have to wing it from that point . There was no one he could trust to call to help him , and he had not thought the plan out any farther than that . This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only . This book may not be re - sold or given away to other people . If you would like to share this book with another person , please purchase an additional copy for each recipient . If you 're reading this book and did not purchase it , or it was not purchased for your use only , then please return to your bookseller and purchase your own copy . Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author . The eyes watched her and the other cows from the cover of the trees . The hunger was terrible , all consuming , and it came in crashing waves . The impulse to feed seemed to be the only coherent thought she had . It was hard to think around , hard to think past . A few weeks ago she had been … Been ? But it did no good ; she could not force the memory to come . A name came , Donita . She had been Donita ; she knew that , but that was all she knew . And a name was not everything she had been . She had been something else … something more , but she could not get to whatever it was . Something that did not wander through the woods : Something that was not driven by all consuming passions that she could not understand . She turned her eyes up to the moon . It pulled at her . Something in it spoke directly to something inside of her . , something deep , something she believed had always been there , but there had never been a need to address it because it lived under the surface , out of her line of thought , sight … below her emotions . Now it didn 't . Now it ruled everything . It was all she could do not to rush from the trees , find the smell that tempted her and consume it . Eat it completely . Leave nothing at all . Oh to do it … To do it … Her eyes snapped back from the moon , and a low whine escaped her throat . The calf , sated , had wandered away from her mother . Behind her , the boy made a strangled noise in his throat . She turned , gnashed her teeth and growled . The thin , skeletal boy fell back , hungry but frightened . She could feel his fear . It fed her , tempted her to taste him , but he was no food for her . She knew that much . It was a sort of instinct … Drive … Something inside of her . The boy was not her food . The boy was not her sustenance : He was one of her own ; corrupted . And corrupted flesh could not feed and sustain itself on corrupted flesh . Fresh flesh was needed , live flesh . Fresh human flesh , she corrected . The boy trembled and grinned sickly , his one good eye rolling in his head . The other eye was a ruined mass of gray pulp sagging from the socket . A great flap of skin below that socket had curled and dried , hanging from the cheek . He felt at it now , carefully , with his shrunken fingers . She hissed at him and his hands fell away . She turned her attention back to the wandering calf that was nosing ever closer to the edge of the trees . Two nights ago it had been a rabbit . The night before that she and the boy had shared a rat . The night before that they had come upon the old woman . She thought about the old woman as the calf wandered ever closer to the line of trees . The old woman had been good . They had brought her back here and her bones lay here still , in the weeds at the edge of the clearing behind her . She turned and gazed back past the boy into their makeshift campsite , searching for what was left of the old woman , finding her bones where they lay at the edge of the clearing they had made . She turned back to the field , watching the calf as she remembered the old woman … They had come across the old woman at near morning . Near morning was the best she could do . Time was not a real concern to her anymore . The concept held no meaning . She understood near morning because the sickness , the sickness that began to send the searing pain through her body , had started . The boy had already been whining low in his throat for an hour in pain . It was like that whenever the night began to end , when the morning was on the way , soon to be . She remembered sunlight . Her old self had needed sunlight just as she now needed darkness , absence of light . That had been Donita as well , but a different Donita . They had been crossing the rock filled ditch to get to an old house on the other side . The basement of the house was what she had in mind : Quiet , private , darkness . She had been scrambling down the steep , sandy side when the scent had found her eyes and froze her brain . That is the way she thought of it . Frozen . Everything … everything besides that smell of flesh was frozen out . The boy 's whining , the coming dawn , the constant hunger in her belly , the moon silvery and bright so far up in the night sky , nothing got by that desire . Urge . Drive . It consumed her , and it had then . It had touched her eyes and then seeped into her brain ; then it had spread out into her body . Her legs had stopped moving and she had nearly tumbled all the way to the bottom of the rock strewn ditch before she had caught herself , her head already twisted in the direction of the smell . Her ears pricked her tongue licking at her peeled , dead lips . She could smell the old woman . Knew that she was an old woman . It was in the smell : Somehow it was in the smell ; and her flesh , her fear . The boy had slammed into her then , still whining , and nearly knocked her to the ground . The old woman had heard them coming . She had begun to whine herself , replacing the boy 's whining which had turned to a low growl . The panic had built in her as she heard them coming . Her heart pounded , leapt , slammed against her ribs , bringing pain with it . The pain rebounded and shot down into her broken leg , the leg that she had broken the day before trying to scramble down into this ditch to reach the house across what was left of the highway so she would have a safe place to stay . The pain slammed into her leg , and she cried aloud involuntarily . A split second later , the female slammed into her . She had been on her belly . The pain was less that way . When the female hit her , she drove her over onto her back . A second after that , she was ripping at her flesh , biting , feeding and she could not fight her . She was too strong , too … Animal strong . And then the boy hit her hard , pouncing on her chest , driving the air from her lungs , and before she could even react , catch her breath back , he was biting at her throat . She felt the pulse of blood as he bit into her jugular , and it sprayed across his face . She felt it go , felt her consciousness drop by half , her eyelids flutter , flutter , flutter and then close completely . And the biting was far away , and then it was gone . The boy had her throat , but Donita had been biting her way into her chest . She had felt her heart beating , and she had been gnawing against her ribs when she felt it stop . They had calmed then , loosening the grips they had on her , and settling down to feed . She glanced now at the calf that was less than three feet from them , its huge moon eyes staring curiously at them . The calf did not know death , had not seen it , she thought . It knew its mother 's tit , the sweet grass of the spring field , the warmth of the sun and nothing else . It edged a little closer . She had killed the old woman . She had no use for her at all . They had eaten so much of her flesh , that she was useless to them . Couldn 't sit up all the way . The boy had taken one arm off at the shoulder and carried it away like a prize . Donita had eaten so much that she had vomited , but that had only forced her back to feeding until she was once again filled . She had looked around the ditch and spied the rock . The old woman had come back already , and she was trying to raise herself from the ground , trying to raise herself and walk once more . She had picked the rock up from the ditch . A big rock , but she was powerful , and she had smashed the old woman 's skull in as she had tried to bite at her . They had dragged her into the woods a little farther down the road , this place where they still were . She turned again to the calf . The calf was not what she wanted , but the calf would have to do for now . She let her hand fall upon the boy 's thigh and they both sprang at the calf . The calf did not have the time to react . It did not even bawl . One second it was standing , and the next it was on its side , Donita 's teeth clamped tightly across its throat . A second after that , it was sliding across the dew wet grass and into the woods , one wild eye rolling and reflecting the silver of the waning moon , as Donita and the boy dragged her into the trees . Warming up here in the western part of New York : It is amazing to me that at the end of last week we had temperatures in the 70 's , but Saturday and Sunday in the single digits . This morning is a balmy 34 degrees and slated to reach the 40 's . What a weird winter . I will be working on web sites all day long . I do it on Monday because I know that by Wednesday , my next opportunity to do it , I will be completely sick of the week and dreaming of a sandy beach and a cold beer . There are few sandy beaches here in New York . I remember the Gulf Coast when I was down there however and those beaches were gorgeous . I keep telling myself that I will retire there and call it a life . Just a beach bum walking about … With a girlfriend … And a cold brew … And a sailboat too … Yeah , that sounds about right . So where are we , Wednesday ? Damn , still Monday morning . Well this is going to be a great week I can tell , so I am just going to jump right into it . I will get busy , but I will leave you with a look at Earth 's Survivors Watertown . Watertown is much different than the other Earth 's Survivors books . It does deal with some of the same characters , and the same town , places , but the focus is on the lives those characters lived before the apocalypse came along and skewed it all . I hope you enjoy the preview and I hope you use the links at the end of the preview to get yet another preview or download the book . I will be back on Wednesday , Jay … This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only . This book may not be re - sold or given away to other people . If you would like to share this book with another person , please purchase an additional copy for each recipient . Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author . This is a work of fiction . Any names , characters , places or incidents depicted are products of the author 's imagination . Any resemblance to actual living person 's places , situations or events is purely coincidental . This novel is Copyright © 2016 Wendell Sweet and his assignees . The Names Dell Sweet and Geo Dell are publishing constructs owned by Wendell Sweet . No part of this book may be reproduced by any means , electronic , print , scanner or any other means and , or distributed without the author 's permission . All rights foreign and domestic are retained by the Author and or his assignees . The Shop and Stock was on the main highway nearly directly across from the entrance to Lott road . It was a half mile down the road to the trailer park . Not far . She walked it all the time , including early morning and late evening . April 's rule of thumb with Alice was not to lead her on . Not to give her false hope . Alice wanted to be with her , it was clear . There had been a time when they had been together , but that was over and had been over for nearly a year . She didn 't want her to think that it might start up again . Letting her give her a ride home might make her think that there was hope . It might , and that could hurt her and she didn 't want to do that . " You 're saving ? " Alice asked . Her face had become sad when April hadn 't said yes . Her sad eyes were magnified behind her thick glasses . " No , but I hope to be … That 's the incentive part . It 's just that it costs so much to live … " April stopped , regretting she had said as much as she did . Sometimes April wondered why she didn 't just do it . Almost everyone at work thought she and Alice were an item anyway . Guys at work didn 't even hit on her anymore , and occasionally she would catch girls looking at her speculatively , like the new girl , Haley , beautiful : She had some sort of tribal tattoo that covered one arm and disappeared under her sleeve . It peaked out when her shirt lifted enough to bare her stomach , making April wonder where else it went . Dark blue against brown skin . She had been looking at her , wondering about where that tattoo might go one day last week when Haley had caught her . They had both smiled and looked away . " I 'm sorry , I zoned out … You know , maybe two can live as cheaply as one … I guess it is something to consider , " April said . She had no idea why she had said it except that it was true . She had two guys at the trailer park that were interested . She couldn 't stand either one of them , but they were persistent . And she supposed it was only a matter of time before something happened . Probably something she didn 't want to happen . She kept an aluminum bat next to the door , but she was a young woman living alone in a bad place . It was probably only a matter of time . " Sure … You 're right , Ali . Listen , I have a cold six - pack in my fridge , if it didn 't stop working again that is , maybe we could have a couple of beers , unwind from the night , " April said . " It 's morning , but technically it 's night to us . " She laughed . Alice positively overflowed . " Sure … I 'll … I 'll get some chips ? " She looked at April as if asking permission . April nodded almost imperceptibly . That was how they had gotten together in high school . Alice asked , April had never said yes , just that tiny little nod , but that had been all that Alice had needed . Alice hurried off now and April told herself she wasn 't building her hopes up to dash them . She was sick of the trailer park : Sick of her life right now . Before she ended up with one of those clowns on either side of her , she would move back in with Alice . She shocked herself with the admission , but then she realized it was the truth . Maybe it was the truth she had been hiding from herself , but it was the truth . Alice came back blooming . A totally different woman than the shy , unassuming person she normally was . She walked close to her as they left the store . She could see Alice wanted to slip her arm through hers , so April did it herself . She just slipped her arm through hers as they walked across the parking lot to Alice 's car . They were stopped at a rest area a few miles outside of Watertown New York . The trunk was open and they had looked through what was there . It was far more than they had thought , far more than Carlos had led them to believe . Neither of them knew how much , but they had a good idea . They had already made small holes in four of the bricks and discovered they were dealing with both cocaine and heroin . And since the holes had been there they had taken a bit of each . Only a little : Nothing that would be missed , probably , but that had been three or four hours ago at another rest area when the curiosity had gotten the best of them . That and their withdrawals after a two week crack binge and the little that they had taken was gone . Now they were trying to decide if they took a few full bricks whether they would be missed . There were eight bricks of coke , and six of heroin in the black duffel bag . That was a tight fit . They had purchased a cheap foam plastic cooler just outside of Rochester and filled it with beer and packages of lunch meat and cheese . They had purchased bread and other stuff for the long trip . Thinking all those weeks of not eating right would catch up to them and they 'd be starving . And they would 've been except they had gotten right back into the coke . They were numb again . Hunger was on the back burner once more . All their bodies craved were more cocaine and maybe some heroin to chase it . Daryl licked his lips . " Maybe … But … Maybe we can blame that on the other guys . You know , they got the shit ! They played with it . Our word against theirs , right ? " " Christ , " Danny said . His hands shook slightly , but then harder . Before he could stop himself he reached into the duffel bag and pulled out two more bricks , one of each . Daryl 's eyes bugged . " To get killed over ? " Danny asked . " Fuck that ! If it 's gonna get us in the shit and we gotta lie our way out of it we might as well make it worth it , " he said . He looked at the untouched ice chest , popped off the foam cover and plunged the bricks down into the ice . Daryl took a small chunk of the cocaine , sealed the brick back up and plunged both of his bricks into the ice chest too . They piled up the errant ice cubes and arranged the packages of meat and cheese to hide the bricks underneath them , breathing hard as they did : On the verge of panic . Ben laughed . " Yeah , more than a million , Ed : These guys , well , I don 't know these guys . They 're really just hired flunkies . Pick up the stuff , drive it from point a to point b , that kind of thing . They 're probably not professionals . So we 'll have to make up for that by maintaining our own professional standards , Ed . We 'll just be cold : Aloof , removed . No laughing if they crack a joke . No small talk at all . " He handed Ed one of the flat black 9 mm guns . The one he had shoved under the front seat . " No , " Ben told him . " That 's friction tape , stops them from getting prints … Most of the time at least . It 's what I call a throw away gun . Cheap , doctored up with tape in case I do have to toss it and I don 't have time to wipe it . Ground down serial number . Here 's a spare clip . " He handed him a clip . " The one in that gun is full , and there 's one in the chamber . I do that by putting one in the chamber then ejecting the clip and replacing that one in the clip . Then put the clip back in . Sometimes an extra bullet can mean a lot . All you need to do is flick off the safety , aim and shoot … You got that , Ed ? " Ben asked . " Sometimes … You can shoot , right ? " Ben asked . He knew he owned a 9 mm and that he had taken a weapons class in Syracuse a few years back . He had carried a sidearm and had , had to train on a rifle when he was in the service . He had checked all of that out . He also knew he was a poor shot . Myopic , and even with his thick glasses his depth perception , which was critical to accuracy , was bad . Ben had no idea what to expect . He knew what they were driving , but he had no idea how far out they were , all Tommy had told him was the make and model , a big silver - blue Toyota , and their names . They had picked up the stuff in Brownsville earlier that morning , and they were on the way . He popped the trunk lid and snapped open the catches on the big brown suitcase . Neat rows of bills : All hundreds . Ed whistled . " How much is that ? " Ed asked . His eyes were a little bugged out . He 'd never seen that much money anywhere . Not even in gangster movies , which were his favorite kinds of flicks . It was a lot of money . Ben 's cell phone rang . He pulled it from his pocket , looked at the caller ID window and turned to Ed . " It 's my boss , I 'll have to take it , " he said . He walked away leaving Ed to his thoughts and answered the phone . It started out bad and got worse . First Alice tried to kiss her when they got to April 's trailer . April had pretended she didn 't see it coming and turned it into an embrace . But once they were inside she tried again and they had ended up in an argument . " But … You held my hand . I know you want this just like I do . I know it . Why can 't we just be together ? I don 't get it … You 're not seeing somebody else , right ? " Alice asked . " No … It 's not about that … It 's about compatibility … I 'm not like you , Ali . How else can I say it ? " April asked . Alice broke down into tears . " But you are … " Her voice fell to a whisper . " You 've made love to me , April ; better than any man ever has … Ever could … You are like me , " she sobbed . " I 'm not , " April said . " We did those things . I was drunk . I was upset . I hated what had happened to me , you know that , it didn 't mean to me what it meant to you , Ali , it didn 't . " Alice jumped up . " So I 'm the one who is sick ? Interested in the wrong sex ? The Lesbo ? " Her anger was barely in check . She was spitting the words out , tears streaming down her face . " Well fuck you , April Evans . I know about that boy at the end of the road . The one you talk about . If that 's what you want , then fuck you , take him . " She ran to the door , flung it open and rushed down the steps . Her car started as April got to the door , and she heard the gravel spit and clatter against the aluminum siding of the trailer as she took off . Two trailers over a curtain parted and a woman 's face looked out into the gloom of early morning . Her eyes nearly skipped across April , lingered briefly and then the curtain edges fell back together . April sagged down to the top step and lowered her head into her hands . She got up a few minutes later , went inside and grabbed two of the beers . She left one in the plastic collar , slipped an open collar over her wrist and let the second can hang from it . As she went back out she picked up the aluminum bat , closed and locked the trailer door . She walked out to the end of the gravel road that cut down into the trailer park and looked towards the end of Lott road . There was a guy , not a boy that lived at the end of the road . She had mentioned him to Alice . She shouldn 't have . He was just a guy . She had seen him go by a few times , but he had never paid any attention to her . She had even waited on him at the store a few times . Nothing : He wasn 't interested ; Alice had that all wrong . She hefted the bat in one hand . There were wild dogs all over the place . They lived in the woods and raided the county dump where it backed up to Lott road for their means of survival . It was best to be prepared . More than once she had driven one away with a quick tap from the bat . She took one of the trails that lead out of the trailer park and cut down toward the end of the road . She sipped at one of the beers as she pushed some overhanging small branches aside with the bat . The sun was finally starting to rise , casting shadows along the dirt path . She wondered about the boy at the end of the road as she walked . |
Things get a little darker for one of our characters . Our love goes out to anyone of you who have had to deal with similar issues . - - - I took a deep breath and began typing the e - mail . " Jeremy , I hope all is well . I was hoping that everything had died down from the blog and we might discuss my returning to the agency . Would you be available to meet for coffee ? Let me know . Kelly . " I hit send . I wasn 't sure I wanted to return but I needed money . The book was coming along great but , even when Rich placed it , the advance would be small . Jamie wasn 't going to return what was mine . I wouldn 't go back to modeling and , even if I could , what could I model - maternity wear , stretch mark cream ? Fi was more than generous but it was time to stand on my two feet . " Glad to hear from the next Ian McEwan ! I 'd be happy to meet you and go over old times . I 'll see what I can do on the job front but obviously can 't make any promises . How about next Thursday at the Costa at 2 ? Jeremy . " It was funny that he chose Ian McEwan . For a man who spent his life chasing the next thing , his taste in novels still returned to a time when he was the next thing . I was glad he chose Thursday . I had set up a meeting with Rich and Hannah in the morning and was happy to be able to fit it all into one outing . I debated whether to tell him of my change but decided to surprise him . Thursday morning came around . I was wearing the blue dress and flats that Fi had bought me . I debated heels but it was getting hard enough to walk as was , without trying to balance myself on top of it . I was making breakfast when Fi came in and kissed me on the cheek . " Don 't you look smart ? " she said . " That smells delicious . " " Thank you , " I said . " It 's spinach and feta . " She smiled . " I 'm meeting Rich and Hannah at 11 and then Jeremy at 2 . " That 's the problem , I thought . I don 't want to ask . If I wanted to ask , I could 've gone back to James . " I know , Fi . I just want to feel like I 'm contributing around here . " She looked hurt . " Kells , you do contribute . I mean what do you call everything you do , the cooking and cleaning and all ? " I knew what I 'd call it and didn 't want to call it anything for just that reason . " Besides , what about Matt ? " Matt walked in . " What about me ? " He gave Fi a kiss and then me . He sat down . " May I have a cheddar and sausage scramble , Kells ? " " Kells was going to talk to her old boss about her job . She feels that she doesn 't contribute around here . " That 's a low blow , I thought , bringing Matt into it . " I know but that 's getting close to done . Besides , it 'll do me some good to get out and about , especially before little Humphrey or Priscilla comes . " Before we had the sonogram and knew what I was having , Fi and I had started calling the baby ' Humphrey ' or ' Priscilla ' as a little in joke . If I had gastric reflux , it was Priscilla . If I farted , ' Humphrey did it . ' " Please Fi , I need this . I need to see . " " I know . Don 't worry . Besides , it 's just a meeting and I made a dog 's breakfast of it before I left . " I had told Fi about the blog . Matt finished his breakfast . " I 'm off to the programme , " he said . " Bye , mum , " he said , kissing Fi on the cheek . " Bye , Kells , " he said , giving me the same kiss . " Good luck today . " I put my hand on his arm , " Thanks . Have a good day . " I almost said , " Say hi to Saff for me , " but remembered at the last second . Fi moved next to me and I rested my head on her shoulder . She started running her fingers through my hair . " I 'm sorry Kells . I 'm being selfish . If this is what you need , I support you . " It didn 't feel 100 % sincere . I had my meeting and then jumped on the Overground . After arriving at the correct station I went over to the Costa . I waited across the street on a bench until I saw him go in . He sat down , ordered a coffee and took a sip . I smiled to myself . ' Here we go , ' I thought . I walked over , threw my arms around him and gave him a kiss on the cheek . " Jeremy , " I said loudly , as half the cafe turned around . The rest , good Londoners , didn 't look up from their phones . I started to cry . Given my hormones , this was strangely easy to do . " You don 't remember me ? " Now , the Londoners looked up . " At the party ? You told me you could get me a job as a model . I believed you , " and I started to sob . I could see the beads of sweat forming on his forehead . His hand shook . I could see his coffee sloshing around . He looked around nervously . " I , uh , think you 're , uh , mistaken , Miss . " " You 're Jeremy Peckham from Stoke - on - Trent . You told me how much I reminded you of your sister Olivia . And , now , now that I 'm pregnant , you want to pretend I 'm mistaken ? " I yelled . I swear I saw phones out . ' Bastard Dumps Pregnant Girl ' now headed to YouTube , I thought . I saw the women in the cafe looking for pitchforks and torches . As Jeremy sweated , I decided to let him off . I whispered in his ear , " You ever shag an albino ? " We had been at a party once where he had chatted up an albino woman . This was our inside joke through three agencies . " Yeah , it 's me , Kelly . Nanosuit . I 'll explain . " I turned to the cafe and said , " And scene , ladies and gentlemen . Sorry for the scare . I wanted to get a natural reaction from him . Do you think I did ? " The cafe applauded . " Come Nigel , let 's go , " I said , as I led him out of the cafe . I had no idea where this last part came from . We walked about a block when he said , " Bloody hell , Kells . " He was laughing . " What the hell 's going on ? I told you to lie low , not under . " " Not as much as you apparently . " We sat on a bench . " Seriously , what the hell happened ? " With that , I recounted the whole story , from my firing ( which he knew ) through the nanosuits through Iceland to here . When I finished , he said , " Hmmm . " He paused and twirled his glasses with his fingers . He paused , " We 've known each other a long time , Kelly . " Whenever someone begins a sentence like that , you know it 's not good . " Yeah , and ? " " Seems a bit odd the whole thing to me . I mean I don 't understand science . I don 't know how a circuit works much less all this , " he said , waving his hand up and down . " It just seems odd to me that all this happened by accident . " I started to get upset . Not at him per se , rather at myself . He was only saying what I had been thinking when I chose to think about it , which wasn 't often . I was too busy getting through each day and thinking about what was to come to think about what had been . I could feel the baby kick . He kicked when I got upset . I took some cleansing breaths like Dr . Patel recommended . I didn 't want the cortisol to get to the baby . " Are you OK , Kelly ? " he said , with genuine concern . " I didn 't mean to get you upset . " " I 'm fine , Jeremy . Not to be weird , but the baby just kicked . He does that when I get upset . I know , weird , huh ? " He smiled . " That 's the least weird thing so far . I wasn 't suggesting anything , y ' know . It 's just bloody strange . Like something off ' Black Mirror . ' " I laughed . " Tell me about it . Anyway , if I haven 't blown up my chances today , I wanted to talk to you about getting work . Am I still persona non grata ? " He laughed . " You stopped being a topic about two and a half months ago . I mean , the millena - twats circled your cubicle like jackals before the seat got cold but everyone else , " and he made a pfft sound . On the one hand , I was glad that I had been forgotten . On the other hand , I had been forgotten . " We could probably get you back on assignment . Not B & Q , obvs . " " Obvs . " It sounded ridiculous , two grown men saying ' obvs . ' Well , one grown man and me . " I 'd really appreciate anything you can do . " " Put that away . I mean , yeah , I need the cash , but I 'm kind of looking to get back to get back too . Get some of the old Kelly back . " " You would . Besides , by the time I found out , I was three months gone . I don 't think anyone wants to be puked on during it . " He laughed , " Been to Amsterdam ? Anyway , I 'd need to run it by Mark . " Suddenly , he smiled . " What do you say to scaring the crap out of him like you did me ? You owe me that . " " Sure , " I said . " Oh , by the way , " I said , taking out the Grazia . " Look at this shite people are putting out . " I turned to the page . " Lure him to your net ? Christ . " - - - - - - - - - - I came home around 5 and started dinner . I had stopped by Waitrose , and picked up salmon , dill and asparagus . Between Rich and Jeremy , I was feeling good and wanted to make something special for Fi and Matt . I had changed and was in the kitchen prepping everything when Matt came out of his room . He came over and gave me a kiss on the cheek . " Hey , Kells . How was your day ? How was the meeting with your old boss ? " I smiled , thinking of the scene in the Costa . I was going to say something but figured I 'd wait for Fi . " Good . How was programme ? How 's your work colleague ? Sasson ? Sandra ? What 's her name again ? " " Of course , she can ! " I liked this girl . We had a copy attached to the refrigerator with a magnet . Matt picked it up and looked at it . " It 's really bloody amazing , " he said , with a smile . " It is , " I said . " I can 't believe it either . " He looked at me and said , " Are you ever sorry about it ? I mean that . . . I dunno . . . you 're like this ? " He looked ashamed . " Sorry , it 's none of my business . Forget it . " " Are you sure ? " I wasn 't sure how Fi would respond , but I felt I needed to answer . He , of all people , had a right , a need to know . " Yes , I 'm sure . Am I sorry about it ? " I took a deep breath . " I mean I 'm sorry how it happened . I didn 't choose this , it got chosen for me . And it was weird when I found out . And I was angry . At Jamie . And I still am . But am I sorry I 'm like this ? Not anymore . Not really . " That was the first time I had ever articulated that . I was afraid to answer this question . First , I didn 't know what the answer should be . Matt was mature for fifteen , much more than I was at that age , but I imagine he had to be . Plus , they were exposed to a lot more information now than we were . On the other hand , living with a fifteen year old had taught me that they had infinite information but no context . I didn 't know how he would take whatever I said . Furthermore , I had no idea what the answer was . I genuinely didn 't , so I answered . " I really don 't know Matt . That 's kind of an impossible question . " He looked dissatisfied with that , so I continued . " She did this to me without asking . And to answer yes or no would be like validating what she did . Does that make sense ? " " Kinda . " I could tell it didn 't . " So , it 's like if she had asked me , would I have ? I dunno but she didn 't , and it 's hard to go back and imagine what I would have done had she done the right thing . " I took another deep breath . " Probably not . " He looked upset . I gave him a hug and looked him in the eyes . " But that 's because I didn 't know how amazing it was . I was a stupid guy back then . " He smiled . " Can I ask another question ? " I dropped the knife I had in my hand and I started to cry uncontrollably . Matt came over and took me to a chair . The baby was kicking up a storm and I couldn 't stop to breathe . Matt put his arm around me and began to cry . " Sorry , Kells . I am so sorry . I am really , really sorry . I didn 't mean anything by it . Please . Please . Please stop crying . Please . I am so sorry . I never said it . Please . I don 't mean to hurt you . I was wrong . " Now , we were holding each other , crying . I regained my composure , sort of . " It 's OK , Matt , " I said , as he kept crying . " I know you didn 't mean anything by it . I know , " and I took a deep breath , " how hard it 's been for you . I mean I don 't know . I can 't know . I mean it 's a fair question to ask . I was just afraid to ask it . " I couldn 't believe I was saying this to a 15 year old . To Fi 's son . I had probably not just crossed , but obliterated , the line . He stopped crying and rubbed his eyes . " I guess I just thought . I mean , it 's a suit . You could take off the suit and you didn 't . I just thought … " He looked at the floor , and then at me . " I don 't know . It 's just like since I was little , I dreamed of what you have . Like I could put on a suit and be a boy , be who I was . And it 's like all you want to do is tear off this suit , y ' know ? " " And everyone keeps trying to put you in the suit . Like , when you get older , you 'll really like it and you never do . And then they let me try on this suit and I like it , but no one else does . Like you 're this freak … " I put my arm around him . " You 're not a freak . I know you 're not a freak . Saff doesn 't think you 're a freak . " " She 's coming around . I mean I 'm not defending her although I think you 're wrong about her . But , it 's like you give birth to this child , " and I put my hand on my belly . He had calmed down . " And you have these hopes and dreams and you want to protect them with all your power . To make sure they don 't get hurt . And , " I started to tear up again , " you see them hurting and you want to stop it and you can 't . You want them to be happy and healthy and comfortable and , when they aren 't , you feel like you failed . I think she feels like she failed you . Not because you 're you but because you were in pain for so long . " " That is absolutely not true , Matt . She loves you . She doesn 't want Saff . She wants you . I just think that , first your dad and then this , it was a lot to face . Your mum is the strongest woman I know . It was just too much . I mean , did she fight going to the gender specialist ? " " She loves you , Matt . She loves you . Matt . When we 've been out , she always talks about her son . Not stammering . No stuttering . She talks about her son Matt . I think she probably has a hard enough time with you growing up at all . " Fi said , " I saw the light on . I figured you were up . " " Yeah . I can 't sleep . " As of late , I couldn 't fall asleep comfortably . I tended to sleep on my back but , as the baby got bigger , the weight made that more and more difficult . Plus , as Dr . Patel had told me at the last appointment , " pregnancy loosens the joints to prepare you for childbirth , " which made me shudder a little . And made me excited . Which also made me shudder . Fi laughed , " I can 't imagine why . My god , look at all these pillows ! " To make myself more comfortable , I had a pillow under my head , and one under my belly and another between my legs . Oh , and one behind my back , just in case . " Where do you sleep ? " She started picking up the pillows off the bed . I thought of John 's side , the way that she hadn 't moved anything since he died . The way that even the sheet on his side stayed flat . " Are you sure ? " I said . She smiled . " I 'm sure . It 's just us girls . " Yup , just us girls . " Don 't try any funny business , " she said , laughing . We dragged all of my pillows into Fi 's room . I gingerly got into the bed , not wanting to disrupt anything on John 's side . It felt strange to sleep in a big bed after all these months . Even in Iceland , we only had a large double . Fi watched me get ready for bed with barely contained amusement . I had developed a system for positioning my pillows . First , the pillow between my legs . I would place between my legs then lay down . Then , the belly pillow . After three months in the single , I knew where to place it . Now , in a king size bed , I didn 't know where . Fi watched me squirm around and try and position myself until , sufficiently exasperated , she came over and said , " Oh , let me help you . " She placed it under my belly just so . She smiled and looked up . " Sorry . It 's been a while . I did . Eventually , John went and bought me one big body pillow . Said he didn 't want to sleep in the Marks and Sparks bedding department . " She sniffled a little . " Nonsense , Kells . I know you didn 't . It all goes so fast . " She regained her composure . " Let 's put this one behind your back , " she said , fluffing it . " How does that feel ? " " Goodnight , Fi . " It took me a while to fall asleep . Partly because of the baby . Even in a larger bed , I was still six months along . Mostly , because I was in Fi 's bed . But it was just us girls . - - - I looked at picture on the fridge , slightly obscured by the two magnets . One the shape of an orange , the other a cherry . I hadn 't been able to stop myself coming back to it for days now . Sitting down , I felt Fi 's hand on my shoulder . " Hmmm ? Yes thanks , " I patted her hand before she took it away . I watched her back as she moved around the kitchen . Since we started sharing a bed , it was like we were playing house . " Matt will be home soon , I should put dinner on . " I clutched my stomach , as if frightened my son was going to fall out . My son . I played with the concept in my head . Fiona had picked up her phone and was typing out a text . " I 'll let him know what we 're planning , " she said . " Where is he tonight ? " " I think they 're having movie night for the volunteers . " I smiled , thinking of him and Saff holding hands , maybe sneaking a kiss before the others would make kissing noises and silly comments . " Captain America - Civil War , I think . He should be home soon . " She shrugged . " I 'm glad he 's so involved with programme , " she said , looking a little guilty . " I mean I 'm very proud of him and everything , " her shoulders sank , " It 's just this is the last summer before he leaves high school . I had hoped to see more of him … " I felt bad . The time was approaching when I 'd need to tell her about Saff . I felt conflicted . I liked sharing a secret with Matt . He asked me not to , but she was his mum . " We 'll wait for Matt . " I waddled over to the laptop and opened up Hungry House , looking for Indian . We waited , and waited . After about an hour and a half , the hunger became too much for us and we ordered , Fi making sure to include Sag Aloo and a garlic naan for Matt . " We can always reheat it when he gets in , " I tried to reassure her . I kept looking at my phone . It was past 10pm now . It wasn 't unusual for Matt to stay out late ; it was unusual for him to fail to at least text . I knew he 'd be with Saff . I could remember how easy it was to lose your sense of time during the flush of first love . To lose any sense . Still I needed to tell Fi . She wasn 't even able to concentrate on Line of Duty . " Richard . Richard Mitchell . We met at the park . Saffron gave me your number , " he said uncertainly . My blood ran cold . " Kelly , there 's no easy way to say this . I 'm in hospital with Matt and Saff . " There was a long pause , one in which I could feel every beat of my heart , " I 'm afraid Matt has been assaulted . " " What ? " I said . " Is he OK ? " I heard myself speaking , as if I was listening in on someone else . My voice was loud and shrill . " Matt . Is in hospital . Assault . " Richard said more , but the buzzing in my head drowned most of it out . All I could focus on was Fiona 's face , all the colour having drained away . I heard him say , " they say the injuries are serious . " I gasped , nearly dropping the phone . Richard hung up , muttering something that made it clear he was in no mood to discuss God at that moment . I looked up . Fiona was looking at me , her expression one of total fear . The next few minutes passed like some waking nightmare . I gathered up some clothes for Matt in a bag . The pyjamas he never wore , a few t - shirts , pants and jeans . Fiona was catatonic , moving like a trauma victim . I had to steer her out of the door . On the way , she tried to pick up her car keys . I pried them from her hand . She just looked at me like I 'd asked her an extremely difficult question . The car journey was remarkably easy . Thankfully by that hour the streets had cleared . " The guy , well his daughter . Matt has a kind of a thing for her . And her him . They have a thing . For each other . " Fiona just nodded . We reached the hospital and parked up . As I found a pay machine , Fiona looked at me , unable to speak . She walked towards the door . " Go , " I said , " I 'll come find you . " I nearly added ' If you still want me to . ' I found the room number from the reception . The journey up in the lift felt like my last walk on death row . What state would Matt be in ? Would he want to see me ? Would Fiona let me ? I felt bad for worrying about myself . " Oh Kelly , it was awful , " Her body shook with every sob . I looked over at Richard . He stood behind her . I felt a huge amount of pity for him . He looked so lost and helpless . " Fiona ? Matt 's mum ? " I asked . He nodded at the closed door . " What happened ? " Saff crumpled , crying even harder than before . The girl must drink pints of water back to back to be able to produce so many tears . " It was Saff 's cousin , my nephew , and some friend , " and he spat the word ' friend ' like a curse . Richard clenched his fists , his knuckles turning white . At that moment , his phone started buzzing . Saff and I sat , her still clinging to me . " It was horrible , " she said . " They followed us , saying , " and she convulsed with sobs , " terrible things . Matt said to ignore them and walked away , but they kept following us . But , then Amadou 's friend . . . he grabbed me . . . and Matt tried to … " her voice trailed off , her head in her hands . " I 'm not leaving here . I 'm NOT ! " She balled her fists , unconsciously mirroring her father 's earlier gesture . " I 'm staying here until Matt gets out . I don 't care what SHE says . " I could have kissed her . Richard saw the look of determination in her face and got a look of what I could only call pride . " We 'll cross that bridge if we need to . If we have to we 'll stay with your Aunty Ruth . " I saw the door to the room open and Fi came out . I could only catch a quick glimpse of Matt , tubes running from his nose and an IV in his arm . My heart stopped , wondering why he needed that . Fi walked over , took my arm and pulled me to one side . ' Well this was it , ' I thought , bracing myself for the worst , which I deserved . I 'd let her and Matt down . She laughed . " Really ? A 36 year old mum and a six months pregnant girl ? " I started to say something about mums lifting cars off children but she put a finger to my mouth . She pulled me into a hug , which was not easy given the size of my stomach . " Thank you . " " Thank you ? " my voice was a little muffled as my face was crushed into her neck , " I 'm so glad Matt is able to talk to you . I can 't believe I 've pushed him away … " Fiona took me in to see Matt . It was hard to see him lying there taking shallow breaths . His right eye was swollen shut . The bruises on his face , and there were many , had already begun to turn purple . A horrible , nightmarish purple . Shortly after that , two police detectives arrived , a man and a woman . It was gone midnight by then and both looked tired . He had a neatly cut beard and spoke with a West Midlands accent . She was short with a bowl haircut . They asked us lots of questions . Had Matt being having much trouble at school , who are his friends etc . I felt bad because Fiona had to look to me to answer . After a while , Susan began directing her questions at me directly . Fiona stayed silent , her hand holding on tight to mine . Eventually , they took Saff and her dad into a different room to take their statements . The night turned into a blur . None of us could sleep and we slipped into an unspoken rhythm . There were two of us ' girls ' by Matt 's bedside at any one time . The nurses wouldn 't let any more people into the room . I suspected it was so they could get in quickly in case of an emergency . I didn 't say anything to Fiona . Around 4 AM , Richard tapped me on the shoulder . " Why don 't we go downstairs for a bite ? You could probably do with something , as I recall , " he said with a smile , looking at Saff . The writer in me would say that he was remembering when his wife was pregnant with Saff , an easier time , one of hope . Saff went to get up and Richard said , " why don 't you stay here ? Keep Matt 's mum company . " Saff looked to me for help . " Don 't worry , " I said , " Fi doesn 't bite . " Fi laughed . Saff looked less than convinced . " It 's all so strange . I just cannot understand how this happened . I just don 't , " and he shook his head , letting the sentence trail off . The service area was closed , but the canteen was open , at least to sit in . There were several vending machines . I dithered for a while about risking a coffee . In the end , I chose a herbal tea and a chocolate bar as the lesser of two evils . Richard chose a black coffee , lots of sugar . " Well up until now I 'd have said Amadou 's nice , if a little intense , " he sighed , " Ellen 's brother sent him here to keep him out of harm 's way . When he started going to church with Ellen , we were pleased . There 's so much stuff out there to tempt teenagers , crime , drink , drugs , the usual , especially when you 're new . Perhaps we were looking in the wrong places . " He rubbed his temples . He laughed hoarsely , " Like she 'll let that happen . I won 't even try , I 'm not that stupid . " Then he looked away , " Also , I won 't take her back until I 'm sure Amadou isn 't there . " " No . Not the attack at least . She just doesn 't think Saff should be seeing Matt , " he took a deep breath , " And she thinks maybe Matt provoked them a little . " I slammed my fists on the table with such force that I woke the junior doctor napping at a table near the back . We looked at the junior doctor 's bemused expression and then at each other . We laughed . He looked at his hands . " I can 't say I understand it . I 'm a Quaker , a nice English religion . Raffles , cake sales and a past that includes using Christianity to excuse the evil of colonization . The nearest we have to extremism these days is passive aggressive emails . " " Look , Ellen is a wonderful mother in most ways . And maybe we can 't understand it . She was a Christian in a mostly Muslim country , then a black woman in a white nation . The church was the one thing her family had . I don 't believe what she believes and I don 't condone what happened , " he sighed . " People are complex . Never entirely good , but not entirely bad either . " I offered him a piece of my chocolate and we alternated silence and chatting , mostly about nothing . The weather - good , for now ; the government - bad , for the foreseeable future , football - I was an Arsenal supporter . Apparently , Richard and Saff were a big Liverpool fans and had offered to take Matt to a game . I was surprised to hear that Matt had been enthusiastic about the idea . Outside the window , the sun rose over East London . It was going to be another beautiful day . " Did you know that Matt tried to get everyone at school to call him Matt - dog last year ? " Fiona looked at me . It was good to see her smiling again . I put my hand on Saff 's shoulder . " There 's a family room down the hall . Go lie down for a while . If there 's any change , we , I , will come get you . " She didn 't look sold . She smiled . " Well , you 're really a mother now Kells . This is what it 's all about . All worry and little or no power to do anything about it . " With Fiona gone , I moved up one seat so I was closer to him . His fringe was plastered to his forehead . As gently as I could I pushed a few strands of hair out of his eyes . " She 's fine , Matty , " I said , rubbing his hand , taking care to avoid the IV . " She wouldn 't leave your side all night . She 's just down the hall . I 'll go get her and your mum , " I said , trying to lift myself up . I hugged him as best as I could . " It 's OK . You 're safe now . It 's going to be OK . " I didn 't know that but had to believe it . " I promise . " From the door , I heard , " Matt ! " I saw Fi in the doorway . " Thank God ! " I pulled myself up and moved out of the way . The rest was an explosion of relief , hugs and tears . While Fiona fussed over him , I went to fetch Saff and Richard . When I came in , Saff was lying , head on her dad 's lap while he gently stroked her head . He looked at me as if to figure out what was going on . I smiled . He gently shook Saff . " Honey , " he said tenderly . He pulled Fiona and me aside . " Well , besides the contusions on his face , he has two broken ribs and a bruised kidney . All in all though , he 's a lucky young man . " " Sorry . That may seem callous , but thankfully the shite , excuse me , that did this to him only kicked him in straight on the face . Had they kicked the side , he could be looking at brain damage or worse . And the kicks to the side only bruised the kidney , not lacerated it . He will recover from these injuries with hopefully no long - term damage . " I felt like I breathed for the first time in hours and spontaneously hugged him . Fi laughed while he looked confused and said , " Uh , you 're welcome ? " " Sorry Fi , I wanted to come get you but I couldn 't leave him alone … " I stopped because Fiona had taken hold of both of my hands . She pulled me into a long kiss . " Kells , stop . Thank you for everything . Not just tonight but all the time . For being there for him . For . . . being his mum . The perfect mum . For . . . " and she stopped . " I love you too . " My head was spinning as we walked back into the room . Too many feels , as Matt would say . I didn 't know where to start . I only just remembered to let go of Fiona 's hand before Matt and the others saw us . Perhaps it was just my imagination , but as I caught his eye , Matt seemed to be giving me a satisfied smile . - - - Matt was in hospital for a week . By the second full day , he was up and shuffling along the halls , taking his IV pole with him . Fi and I walked on the either side , each holding an arm . He rolled his eyes . " I know . I know . You were just so worried . " I laughed , glad to see the old Matt coming back , slowly but surely . We went past the nurse 's station , the nurses smiling at us as we walked past . We were a sight . A boy , his mum and his pregnant 25 year old other mum . The week was a constant cycle of Matt 's friends , from school and the programme . The boys brought an XBox which they convinced the hospital maintenance staff to let them set up . It wasn 't hard ; the janitors would come on off hours to play FIFA and GTA , bringing sweets that I guessed got lost on its way from the supply room to the service area . The nurses let it go , " as long as you keep it quiet . " They did as best as 15 and 16 year old boys could , which was poorly . The girls all fussed over him , bringing him snacks and balloons and cards . Matt enjoyed it immensely . Saff was , to say the least , not best pleased . She pulled me into the hall . " Look at her , " she said , staring daggers through a horse - faced girl named Charlotte , " Oooh , Matty . You were so brave . Stupid cow . " I was surprised that she was willing to leave the room , although she never took her eyes off the door . I smiled . " Saff , please . Like he would have anything to do with her . " I felt bad criticising this girl who was only trying to be nice , but I liked Saff better . " Besides , Fiona 's in there . She 'll make sure . " " Yeah , well … . " She and I had been getting closer before everything , and had become closer now . " Saff , " I said , smiling , " would we let anything happen ? " Fi had become very fond of Saff . She said that she was a good girl who cared for Matt . If I thought about it , I think she made it easier for Fi to see Matt as he was , a normal teenage boy . Saff smiled and I continued . " How 're things at home ? " " Dad says not good . " Saff had been staying with her aunt Ruth . " Says everyone back there has been calling mum constantly , asking how she could let all this , " she sneered , ' all this ' " happen . Like it 's her fault the police took him . I mean , other than it was . " Since it happened , she wouldn 't speak to her mom . She blamed her for what Amadou did . " Yeah , well , it 's all her bollocks that caused this . They remember all that Leviticus shite , but not Galatians or Matthew . " I was barely Anglican , my father taking us on Christmas Eve and Easter , unless we complained loudly enough and then we didn 't go . Our church was the VCR , our god Blackadder . I must 've looked confused , because she said , " there is neither Jew nor Gentile , neither slave nor free , nor male or female , for you are all one in Christ . ' ' Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother 's eye and ignore the log in your own ? ' Yeah , she dragged me enough . Guess I didn 't learn the right stuff . " I was at a loss for words . I felt awful . No one this young should be this angry . " Saff , the police will take care of this . And whatever 's up there will take care of that . " I wasn 't sure what I believed but that wasn 't a discussion for Saff and me . " Matt 's going to be OK and that 's what 's important . " Fi walked out of the room and Saff ran back in . There were five other kids in the room but the cost of young love was apparently eternal vigilance . We watched her stomp in and move Charlotte out of the way . " She 's a tough one , " said Fi , with no lack of admiration . I laughed . " Reminds me of someone . " She put her hand on my leg . We had since stopped trying to hide public displays of affection , well as much as any two self respecting English women would . " Poor kid . She 's so angry . " " So am I , " Fi said . " I can 't believe she hasn 't even tried to come around . " I knew who ' she ' was . " Richard has . " He had come every day . He brought cards from Addo and Amie . Amie 's was a riot of horses and rainbows and multiple marker colors . Addo 's said , " Get better soon , " and had a stick figure . " He 's not her . It wasn 't his nephew that did this . It wasn 't his church that spread all that hate . " Dressing for work didn 't use to be this hard . Most of the male creatives I knew walked around with their arses hanging out of their designer jeans . I hadn 't really paid attention to the female creatives . I remembered short skirts but I wasn 't really in a place to wear that nor was I sure that I would have wanted to be . Fiona said , " You 're fortunate that you 're pregnant . Otherwise , it 's smart , but not too smart . Nothing overly revealing , because you don 't want the other women to think you 're like that . But you don 't want to cover up too much either , no one likes a prude . But , lucky for you , you don 't have to think that way yet . " Lucky . That was me . Lucky back pain . Lucky leaking from my breasts . Lucky incontinence . That 's me , Ms . Lucky . I was so focused on my ' good ' luck that I ignored ' yet . ' After several costume changes , I settled on a white shirt and a black mid - length pencil skirt . I felt awkward going to work in a skirt , if only for what Jeremy would say , but Fi said , " take it from me , it will be the most comfortable . " I chose my black trainers as I felt they 'd be comfortable and match my skirt . " So everyone , let me introduce you to Kelly . That 's Kelly . . ? " He turned to look at me , I realised I hadn 't given him a fake surname . I couldn 't use Cooper and wouldn 't use Rogerson . " Walters , " I said without thinking too much . " Hi , " the three millennials waved at me . I recognised all of them . The two women , Otty and Liv came as a pair . They had come up together at Saatchi and joined us at the same time about two years ago . As far as I knew , they regarded the old Kelly as part of the furniture . Josh was a silent type who , if I was honest , had got on my nerves . Maybe it was the lumberjack beard on a face , a baby face , that never did a day 's physical labor , or perhaps it was the way he buttoned the top of his shirt up even when he wasn 't wearing a tie . All I knew about him outside of work was that he 'd been to a Steiner School . " Hey , " I took their hands one by one . At first I was unsure why they were still smiling until I realised they saw me as one of them . We chatted for awhile , what campaigns we 'd worked on ( I edited mine down slightly ) and what I might be working on . " I 'm thinking of putting Kelly with Josh , help with the TK Maxx brochure . Give the female perspective , " He was loving it . Even the daggers Otty and Liv were staring at him didn 't take the shine off his shit - eating grin . " OK , I 'm going to take Kelly into the office and talk details . " As he led me away I caught Liv talking to Otty , " Typical , they get younger and younger . " I nearly laughed out loud when I realised she meant me . Get used to it . There 's always someone younger and newer . " Getting better . He 's back at home now . Fi 's taken some time off to be with him . To be honest I think he 'll be glad to have a break from two mothers fussing over him . " " Well good , let 's get down to business , " Jeremy was a little flustered . " So you will be coming back on a short term contract until November when you 're due . Two days a week , one in the office and one working remotely . " " We think it 's best if your office day is Wednesday . We want you around for the weekly staff get - together , " Inwardly I sighed . The Staff get - together / meeting was the worst part of my working week . Everyone eager to prove how important their little project is . Meant to last an hour and a half they often ended up taking up the whole afternoon . Still , if they wanted to pay me to be bored out of my skull for half a day that was up to them so I said ' OK ' . We chatted for a while , mostly about what had been happening in the office over the last few months . To be honest it was a relief . The internal politics that used to bore were a pleasant distraction . To be honest they just didn 't matter the way they used to . " Right , let 's get started . I 'm putting you with Josh for today . He can bring you up to date on the TK Maxx account . " Josh must have noticed my discomfort , " Kelly , let me get you a seat . Don 't mind Jeremy , he 's not that bad really . " Once we were seated he started taking me through the work . I was pleased to see it wasn 't anything too strenuous . The company had a new line coming out for Christmas and wanted to produce a promotional brochure for the free papers . It was mostly writing copy on how this skirt and those pairs of jeans were the latest thing . Bringing together various quotes from different fashion bloggers . The sort of stuff I could do in my sleep . " Well we had a bit of a crisis about six months ago . The old head copywriter left under something of a cloud . " I bit my lip , he must have taken it as a sign I wanted to know more . He leaned in , " Apparently he 's supposed to have insulted a couple of clients in some blog . " I couldn 't look him in the eyes , " Personally I liked the guy . He was a bit grumpy but he always made me laugh . I suppose his heart wasn 't in it anymore . Then again who still wants to be a copywriter in their 40s ? " " I 'm a writer , " He laughed and rolled his eyes . " No really ! I have an agent , " he continued to chuckle . " Susan Crisp is my editor and everything . " " We 'll , colour me impressed , " his smile seemed genuine enough , " most of us have our ' novel ' hidden away in a drawer somewhere . Good for you for going for it . " In the past I 'd need a strong coffee and half an hour with my emails before I could face the real work of the day . Now it didn 't seem so bad . Perhaps it was the time away , maybe knowing I had Fiona , Matt and little ' Humphrey ' waiting for me gave me greater perspective . Either way by the time it reached lunch I had two drafts of the opening paragraph written up and about five taglines . " Hi Kelly , " I turned to see Otty standing over me , " do you want to join us for lunch , " She gestured back to Liv and another girl she introduced as Ffion . I glanced over at Jeremy 's office . Somehow I 'd thought the two of us would be having lunch together . Thinking on it I realised it would have looked funny . It wasn 't like we had lunch together that often back when I was the male Kelly . Sils , short for Silvester 's , was a small , family run Italian café on the edge of Shoreditch . The original Silvester had been an Italian immigrant who had come to London in the 20s to escape Mussolini . The family who owned it now are Portuguese but it still specialised in good , simple food that was what past for affordable in London . I ordered a parmesan cheese and tomato panini , the other three went for salad or soup . " You 're so lucky to be able to eat that , " Liv indicated my sandwich , " The closer I get to thirty , the longer it stays on my thighs . " At most she was 3 years older than I looked . Just you wait , I thought . " Is it really hard ? You know working as well ? " Ffion asked , " I don 't know if I could do it . You must have a very supportive partner . " I decided to get it all out there . " I do . She is . But the father isn 't around anymore . He kind of left me in the shit . " As a man I 'd have to put a brave face on things , pretend nothing fazed me . As a woman , I could enjoy my peer 's reaction . I knew that I 'd not need to repeat myself . I trusted Otty , Liv and Ffion to pass the news around , and they rose to the challenge beautifully . By the end of the day , the women in the office had adopted me as some sort of celebrity cause and I had been made more cups of tea than my bladder could cope with . As the others left around 6ish I hung around . I knew Jeremy would offer me a lift home and I didn 't fancy the crowded tube or a never ending bus ride . As I waited , one eye on his office door my phone buzzed . I looked down and my heart leapt . It was from Jamie . He hadn 't tried to contact me in months . My hand trembling slightly I opened the message ; " Miss Walters , I trust that you 're not spending your day on social media . " I jumped . Jeremy was behind me . He caught a look at my face , " I 'm only kidding . I didn 't mean it … " I stood outside the flat , staring at my phone . I didn 't want to call her . I wasn 't ready and , instead of looking at why , I had convinced myself that she had no right to hear from me . I knew , however , that I had to . Jeremy and I had gone for a drink ( half a pint of some mini - brewer 's ale for him , club soda for me ) and he had convinced me that I had to do it . " Look mate , what she did was beyond contempt but she 's still the father of the child , " he said , with a little chuckle . " Sorry , it really isn 't funny . More fucked up . " " I don 't want to deal with her . " " You have to . You want to go to court over this ? Drag this through the mud ? " I shook my head . " You two are going to be parents together . Be civil to each other . My mum and dad , " I knew they were divorced , " were at each other 's throats through my childhood . They played a game of keepy - uppy and me and my sister were the ball . " He laughed , swirling his drink around , " None of that conscious uncoupling for them . Bloody war , damn the victims . Fuck ' er , Fuck ' im , " I could hear the Brummie accent he worked so hard to lose coming back . He regained composure , " Look mate . Whether you two fail as a couple , don 't fail as parents . You 're going to have birthdays and weddings and graduations together . Show little Jeremy , " he grinned and I stuck my finger down my throat , " how to be good people . " It was funny . Jeremy and I had spent countless hours in countless pubs . I knew his parents were divorced only because he 'd mentioned his father 's wife . Once . In fourteen years . We would never have said anything beyond that and now it felt normal . " Thanks Jeremy , " I said . Over my shoulder , I saw a woman , about 32 , the north end of Jeremy 's interest , looking over at the table , checking him out and trying to figure out who we were to each other . Just then , I said , loudly enough for her to hear , " Mum will be so surprised when you show up for dad 's retirement , " and I gave him a kiss . " Bloody hell mate , " he whispered . " Shut up you arse , " I said , with a smile . " There 's a woman over your shoulder who 's interested . Go over , you wanker . " He turned around and they checked each other out . " Thanks , sis . Remember don 't tell mum . " Jeremy and the woman , Victoria chatted each other up , while I checked out my phone . I hoped that the message from Jamie had disappeared and that I didn 't have to face this . It didn 't . After fifteen minutes , I walked over and said , " I 'll go catch the Overground . You two stay . " Jeremy said , " Nonsense . I 'm not sending my little sister home alone . Victoria , dinner next week , right ? " Victoria smiled as he continued , " these young girls , so sure of themselves . Why , dad would have my neck if I sent you home alone , " and he shook his head . " Come , I 'll fetch the car . " We left the bar . We pulled up to the flat . " If you need anything , call me , " he said . I sat on the porch , took out my phone and stared at it . I took a deep breath and hit the number . Voice 2 said , " Kelly ? " I hadn 't heard her new voice in months and the hurt came flooding back . I tried to remember the good times but drew a blank . It was as if we had no history before 20 February , the day I had been fired . " Jamie ? " I suddenly felt short of breath . I gripped the arm of the bench , wondering whether to hang up . " It 's so good to hear your voice , " James said . I couldn 't call her ' her , ' but ' him ' sounded absurd . Like Alex , James was James . Neither male nor female . " How are you ? " I wasn 't ready for even the most banal pleasantries . " You said we needed to speak . Why ? " I was best pleased with myself that I could keep it like this . For once in our relationship , I said out loud what I was thinking . " So you thought you 'd lie to me - again . What is it you want , James ? " " I just want to see you , " James said softly . " It 's been almost five months . " I could hear the old vulnerability , the kind Jamie showed every time a casting agent told her she was too old or her eyes were too far apart , coming through . I took a deep breath and thought of Matt and what he went through - and what he still had to face . That was important . This was not , not yet . " James , not now . " I understand that . We each hurt each other , " James said . This was one of her old tricks , to try and create mutual blame . By admitting that she bore partial responsibility , she made me feel like a bad person for not sharing in it . Maybe it was the male voice or maybe the months away , but I wasn 't interested . I did nothing wrong . James and I had a long history . James had been the only person that I had ever told in depth about my mother . Well , now James , Fiona and Matt . " It 's not you , " then I paused , " well , not only you . " I wanted to hurt James a little . " I don 't have the bandwidth now . Bill found her and we 're seeing her Friday . " James gasped . No explanation was needed . After all the pain , we had the shorthand that all couples develop over time . The sort that allows entire stories to be connoted by a word , a phrase , a look . " Really ? Where is she ? " " I 'll be fine , thanks . " I said coldly . " I 'd ask you not to call me before I call you . I have too much on my plate . " " I understand , " James said . I could hear the hurt in James ' voice and first thought , ' good . I want you to feel pain . ' Then , Humphrey began to kick and I remembered what Jeremy had said about being parents . " Sorry James . Between this and the baby , please don 't call me until then . I will call you . But I need a clear head for this . " Matt shuffled to the door . Every time I saw him , I tried not to wince . The bruises were starting to subside , but his face was still a patchwork of garish purple . He could walk unassisted , but still needed a cane to lean on to get up and down . He would put on a brave face but you could see the pain in his eyes sometimes . " Hey , O . M . , " he said , as he kissed me on the forehead . " How was the first day back ? " " Bloody tiring , " I said . " Tiring and strange . " As I said that , Fi came in . She gave me a peck on the lips . Since the accident , we had stopped hiding , at least at home . We weren 't sexual , but we were intimate . If it bothered Matt , he never said anything . " So how was it , " she said , as I sat on the couch . She reached down and took off my trainers and rubbed my feet . I laughed and recounted my day , from Jeremy 's obvious amusement to Liv , Otty and Ffion to Josh . She was especially amused by my work on the TK Maxx account . " So , now you 're writing taglines for clothes . To get the female perspective , " she laughed . She picked up the copy of Grazia . By this point , my face now had a beard , googly eyes and all manner of inappropriate comments coming from my mouth , my favorite being Saff 's , ' My eyes are up here . ' " So , what shoes should she wear with this tail ? " " Hahaha , Fi . What do you expect me to do ? One of the girls was complaining about how hard it is to eat now that she 's approaching , " and I took a deep breath , " thirty . " " Yeah . " I wanted to say something about James , but not with Matt here . I waddled over to the table and Fi brought me a plate of the chicken piccata I had made before everything happened with Matt . Matt wandered off to his room and Fi said , " What 's up ? You had a look before . What happened at work ? " " Promise you won 't get upset , " I said . She smiled . " We really are a couple now , aren 't we ? Did you ding up the car , dear ? " " I was talking to Jeremy about it . He said , whether you fail as a couple , don 't fail as parents . I figured I owed Humphrey that much . " I thought Humphrey would soften the blow . It didn 't . " And nothing . James wants to see me . I told him that I didn 't have the bandwidth what with her and all . Told him that , if I was going to see him at all , it wasn 't happening until next week . " I left out the whole mutual blame speech . There was no need to upset Fi too . " On the other hand , I feel like I should . Not just for the baby , but for me . Like , I need to know why . To see his , her , whatever 's face and say my piece . " " Not that . James has a way with you . A way of taking advantage . " I knew what she meant . It was the ' we both hurt each other ' and ' what about me . ' Had you said it to me six months ago , I would have laughed - and fallen for it . Now , I hoped I was better , but I still didn 't know . She smiled . " That 's not it . My mum had it with my dad . James had it with you . I had it with John , " and she paused . She pulled over a chair and sat next to me . I pulled her into a hug . She started to cry . " It 's OK , Fi . It 's OK . Shhhh . I know . I know . " The baby started kicking . She sniffled a little and laughed . " Ow , Humphrey ! I can feel him kick me , " she said , with a smile . She leaned over to my belly , " Sorry , Humphrey , " and she said , " he 's a sensitive one , isn 't he ? Sorry about that . " She kissed me . " I 'm happy Kells . I love you . And whatever you want to do with James , I support you . I just don 't want to see you hurt . " I wondered if Jamie felt the same way . " I love you too , Fi . And don 't worry . I 'm a big girl now , " I said , grinning . " I will not let some man trick me . I mean , look what happened last time . " We both laughed , in an disproportionate amount to the joke . We went to the couch and watched TV . I laid in Fi 's arms , her hands resting one on my shoulder and the other on my belly . Friday morning came . Bill and I were headed to Warburton . Fi and Matt came the door to see me off . " Call me as soon as you 're there , " Fi said . " Let me know you 're safe . " " That 's good . Come to Brighton sometime . The boys 'd love having an older cousin around . Julia 's just got nieces . " Matt smiled . I could tell he liked that Bill saw him as another man . Bill smirked at Kells and said , " Yeah , well , I figure she could use a surprise . Besides , I think my little sister looks positively radiant . One day it 's petticoats and pinafores , the next day it 's a maternity jumper . " " Petticoats and pinafores were yours , Sally . I remember how you cried when dad wouldn 't let you wear them . Back in Year 6 . " I turned to Fi , " Anyway , the meals are in the freezer . I left instructions on the counter . " " Her fucking COUSINS did this to him ? Christ . Fucking arseholes . Meanwhile , there 's some poor Syrian can 't get in because this fuckface can 't admit he likes boys . Christ . Poor fucking kid . Matt that is . " I hadn 't told him that Matt was trans . Partly because that wasn 't my place and partly because I no longer saw Matt as anything but what he wanted to be , what he was . I wanted to say something but that was Matt 's story to tell , not mine . I decided to tell not a lie , but a half - truth . " Well , the girlfriend 's family , the mum 's side , has been putting pressure on her not to testify . Protect the family and all that bollocks . " " Ah , shit . Yeah , well , I don 't know . I mean I don 't know what I would have done in that situation . At that age . You ? " I stopped and thought . If Bill had beat my girlfriend 's brother , would I have testified against him . I thought of the Bruce Springsteen song , ' Highway Patrolman ' - ' man turns his back on his family well he just ain 't no good . ' Except the narrator 's brother didn 't beat someone up for being who he was . Matt hadn 't done anything except hold his girlfriend 's hand . " I don 't know . This isn 't two boys fighting . This was a fucking beating for no good reason . He could 've died . Or been paralyzed or brain damaged . For no good fucking reason . " I took a deep breath . " Sorry . I just … " " Yeah , well , whatever , " he blushed . " Fuck are we going to do when we get there ? " We had spent our childhood so focused on her absence that we had no plans for her presence . " I guess not . I mean I never knew her . She may as well be the man in the bloody moon for all I know . Julia asked me once if I remembered anything about her . I don 't . I hate the fact that I fucking don 't , but I don 't . You ? " " I remember smells and shit like that . I remember going to the seaside once but for all I know that 's just from the picture dad had . " He kept a picture of the four of us in his drawer . Me , him , mum and Bill . Mum had her blond hair tied back with a kerchief . She was wearing a two - piece bathing suit . She was holding Bill in her arms , while my dad held my hand . I found the picture when I was ten and looking for money . I asked my father about it . He snatched it from me and said , " What the hell were you doing in my drawer , " and he smacked my hand . It was the only time I could ever remember him getting truly angry . We didn 't discuss the picture then and hadn 't discussed it since . " Anyway , that 's about it . " If you liked this post , you can leave a comment and / or a kudos ! Click the Thumbs Up ! button below to leave the author a kudos : up84 users have voted . And please , remember to comment , too ! Thanks . This story is 13805 words long . Printer - friendly versionLog in or register to post comments More goodness . I 'm loving it . The chapters are quite long but when I finish one , I want to keep reading . That 's a good sign . The writing ( and editing ) is excellent and the characters are even better . They all come alive and have me holding my breath , waiting to see what happens next . Please keep up the great work . On behalf of Lizzy and me , thank you everyone for the kudos and comments . We 're glad you 're enjoying it and hard at work on the rest of the story . We hope that you 'll stick with us . I think you 'll like where we 're headed . We 've gone and are going places I didn 't foresee when we started , but that 's one of the things that has been best about working with Lizzy . Just to concur with Jess , thank you for all the kudos and comments . Writing this story with Jess , and for you , is so very rewarding . My work colleagues are starting to wonder why I stay in for all my lunch breaks , and why I keep writing those very long emails . . . I love this story . You convey all the complex emotions and situations so well . . . . and the dialogue is so genuine . There 's only one thing wrong . What 's going to happen on the ninth month ? Will I have to go into post - natal depression ? |
Posted on April 30 , 2014 by admin Reply Wendell sat in his room in silence , and he listened : to the sound of his parents at the dinner table eating ; to the sound of the phone ringing and his father answering it ; to the voice of his father telling Hannah , on the other end of the line , that Wendell wasn 't allowed to speak to anyone ; to the sound of his father sitting in is chair and reading , with pipe in mouth , while his mother listened to the radio ; to the sound of his parents preparing themselves for bed , changing into their pajamas and then settling into their bed . All of this he heard , as the sun sank and his room darkened . He remained the whole time sitting on the floor in still passiveness . He did nothing , didn 't even bother to turn on the light in his bedroom when it grew too dark to see - just sat and thought . His thoughts were scattered , one thought randomly hopping to another . But one theme kept recurring . He kept on thinking of Dee and of his mysterious school . Was it worth it to leave all of this behind ? And how would the tiny sliver of world that he was part of be without him ? As to the latter question , he supposed , it would go on . It was arrogant for him to think that he was the center of it . His parents would accustom themselves to a life without him ; Rob would make new friends in Dallas ; his teachers would forget him ; Hannah would find a new boyfriend , perhaps even already had . Just as the ocean rushes in to fill to spot when a cupful of it is removed ; so would the greater world accommodate itself to his loss . As to the former question , that was more difficult . He needed them more than they needed him , but if there was something out there , some new sliver of world that Dee was able to open up for Wendell , then it could be worth it . This was the sum of his thoughts . Had they not been clouded by emotion , he perhaps would 've come to different conclusion ; he perhaps would have chased uncertainty and indecisiveness indefinitely . But his depression had a way of clarifying his thoughts . He saw , or at least thought that he saw , the whole , vast universe and his place in it with unusual lucidity . If there was a place for him , some divot in the ocean that he could fill , he should find it , and Dee seemed the one to supply it . He looked out the window of his room , and he saw that Dee 's car was already waiting . He thought about packing , but he realized that there was nothing he wanted and nothing , so far as he knew , that he needed . He took off the fake glasses he 'd been wearing and left them in his room beside his bed . He climbed out of his window and walked towards the car . It was somewhat cold , and he though about fetching a jacket , but didn 't . As he approached the car , the door opened , and Dee , who was seated in the car , backed away to make room for him . " You do not need to bring anything , " Dee said , " You will want for nothing . Should you wish , you may take some keepsake or memento , but I would recommend against it . You will find it is easier , if you do not . " Wendell turned back and looked at his house . It was so ordinary . There were several others just like it in the neighborhood . Nothing special or unique about it . Just a place to lay down his head at night and hold his stuff . He assured himself that he wouldn 't miss it . And his parents … It wasn 't as easy to persuade himself that he wouldn 't miss them , but he would endeavor to . He would learn to . Everything dispensable . Everything but on a way point between dust and dust . Everything behind him . Only the future . " You 're right , " Wendell said to Dee . He climbed up into the seat of the car and closed the door behind him . The driver who sat in the front then started the car down the street , and Wendell watched his home disappear into the distance . Posted on April 28 , 2014 by admin Reply Wendell didn 't stop running when he reached the front doors of the school . He burst through the double doors and leapt down the stairs onto the school 's front lawn . He left behind the school grounds , running down the sidewalk until he was certain that no one was following him . He then slowed down to a walk and regained his breath . The sidewalk he was walking on was next to a major thoroughfare , and cars were zipping by on the streets near him . He wanted to get away from them . He turned onto a smaller side street and wandered through the quiet avenues of that neighborhood . But even this place was not quite desolate enough . He would still occasionally pass the stray pedestrian or car , and each one of them felt like an intrusion upon his inviolable space - even if they didn 't approach near him , even to just see them in the distance . He went directly home , but instead of stepping inside , he climbed onto the roof . He sat down with his back to the chimney , so that he couldn 't be seen from the street . He just wanted to be alone , to be away from everyone , to be in his own private , impenetrable place and there to sink into his thoughts and will the whole world away . He went to the front door of his house and opened it . His mother was on top of him in a moment . " Where have you been ? Why aren 't you at school ? " she asked in a panic . Her anger was aggravated by worry and concern , but Wendell only heard the anger . " I got a call from school saying you 're truant . You skipped your last two classes . I didn 't know where you were . They expected I 'd have an excuse for you , that you were ill or at the doctor . I thought the worst . Why weren 't you at school ? Tell me . " " That 's not an excuse Wendell , " she shouted in a shrill voice , but Wendell ignored her and went to his bedroom , closing the door behind him . Ruth pounded on the door , shouting , " Wendell , I 'm not done talking to you . " But she gave up quickly and walked away . Punishment would be saved for later . Inside the room , Wendell sat on the floor , his arms wrapped around his legs , and his head resting on his knees . It all made him feel just so tired of everything . Nothing was important ; nothing mattered . Everything he did would be reduced to memory , and everything he remembered would be reduced to forgetfulness . Wendell 's father , unlike his mother , was genuinely terrifying when angry . His tone was still quiet , but the menace seethed . " I just needed to get away , " Wendell said meekly . " Needed to get away ? " his father asked , " That is not acceptable . You have responsibilities : you stay in school ; you go to classes ; you do your work . You don 't just go away . And where did you go away to ? Your mother didn 't see you for over an hour after you were reported truant . " " We discussed this , " Frank said , his volume growing somewhat louder , " You are to come home directly after school . You go nowhere alone . If you can 't handle it , then you 'll just stay home all day and do your schooling from here . I don 't care if you 'll miss seeing your friends or your girlfriend . I just don 't care . We 'll discuss it with the school tomorrow . Until then you are grounded . No dinner tonight , no television . You stay in here until your ready to sleep , and you won 't see us until the morning . Are we understood ? " Posted on April 27 , 2014 by admin Reply Wendell went over to Rob 's house on the weekend and helped him pack as the day of the move approached . Rob 's house was very similar to Wendell 's . The houses in the neighborhood had been created from only a handful of designs , all very similar one - story homes . The house was filled with boxes , and much of the furniture had already been wrapped in large pieces of cloth . In Rob 's room , the two of them had already filled several boxes . Wendell was unloading the books on Rob 's bookshelf into a box , while Rob was unloading his closet . " A little bit , " Wendell said , " I tried it once , over her dress . I don 't know if she liked it . What do girls do when they like something ? " " You think I 'm some expert on this ? " Rob said , " Your one girlfriend is one more than I 've had . But as I said , girls do generally like things like that . Go for it . So , I take it no real heavy petting or climbing into the back seat or anything like that ? " " I don 't know , " Wendell said , " I sense that I 'm not the man for her . She 's got so many friends , and she 's always doing things after school , and I 'm just not . When I 'm around her friends , I 'm awkward , and I don 't want to join all the clubs she does . " " Well , you got to make yourself that type of man , " Rob said , " A girl like this is special . She 's like one in a million . Every guy at school wants her , and she 's with you . That makes you better than all of them . That makes you the amazingest guy in school . When you and I write after I leave , I fully expect you to tell me how much Hannah is in love you with , and how she can 't get enough of you . " The next day , he walked despondently through the halls of Hawthorne High . He was affected by Rob 's moving , but he had resolved to join Glee club with Hannah , and the though had buoyed him up . He was looking for her to tell her the good news . However , she was talking to Donnie . He was a tall boy , and he looked down on her , his huge body eclipsing and leaning into her as he spoke . She smiled a little and laughed . Then Donnie pulled up the sleeve of his jacket and exposed a part of his arm where he 'd carved into his flesh a proclamation of his love for her , in the form of the letters " DS [ heart ] HB . " Hannah was silent and speechless . After seeing her reaction , Donnie in one sweeping gesture , grabbed her around the waist and pulled her in towards him . He then planted a full kiss on her lips . Wendell wasn 't good at reading body language . Was she giving in , even encouraging him , or only effetely resisting him ? When he released her , she stumbled backwards breathlessly , blush on her cheeks . Only then did she turn and see Wendell . He was far into the distance , and she could only barely see him . She didn 't know how exceptional Wendell 's sight was , but the likelihood that he had overseen this exchange was the first thing she thought . Hannah ran towards Wendell . Donnie at first tried to stop her , but he soon gave up . She was sprinting towards Wendell , zipping through the halls like an athlete . But Wendell only turned around and fled , and with the huge head start he had , she couldn 't catch him . " I 'm sorry , " Rob said , " If it were up to me , I 'd stay here until I graduate and beyond . But , you know how it is . My parents don 't give me any part in the decision . They don 't even tell me about it until after the decision 's been made . But you 'll be fine . You 've got a girlfriend now . Hannah will take better care of you than I can . By the way , I like the look of that shiner . It makes you look tough . People are going to be thinking you 're someone they shouldn 't be clashing with . " When Wendell finished his account , Rob asked , " You 're not going to do it , are you ? I mean , that would be crazy . Do you really think it could possibly be worth it ? " When Wendell had a chance to speak with Hannah later in the day , he told her nothing about his encounter with Dee . Since he had told her nothing about his eyesight or about his previous dialogue with Dee , this was to be expected . He wasn 't comfortable sharing with her on that level . He still looked on her as something like an attractive acquaintance that he occasionally shared kisses with . She was more open , sharing the full contents of her every day and her thoughts and feelings about them . That afternoon , while they sat on a bench in the cafeteria , she talked about all the classes she 'd had , about some of the more memorable interactions with classmates and teachers , and about her after - school activities . She saved until the end the most important detail of her day , adding , as if it were merely an afterthought , " And I spoke with Donnie today . I don 't think you 'll have to worry about him anymore . Unless you tattle on him to the principal . That 'd make him furious . He has a short temper , in case you hadn 't noticed . And he 's territorial . Him and his friends are like a wolf pack , and apparently at some point he got the notion that I liked him , which made me part of his territory . Boy like that , you can 't just tell him outright that he 's wrong . I had to carefully tell him that it 's my choice who I 'm with , and right now I 'm with you , and that he can 't just plant his flagpole and claim me . He has to win me over . Like you did . But you don 't have to be jealous ; I 'm not interested . I just thought it sensible to give him hope . He 's persistent , though . He 's already trying to flirt with me . But you 're not really the type of guy who tends to get jealous , are you ? " She expected a definite response , but Wendell merely said , " I don 't know . I haven 't had a girlfriend before . I guess I 'll find out . " Hannah didn 't like the brevity of his answers ( she never did ) . Nonetheless , she looked on Wendell as a puppy being trained , and here they were seeing progress . Wendell , at the beginning , had been almost entirely like a brick wall , and now he was starting to open up . " He admitted that his friend was leaving . There was emotion there , " she was thinking . " That 's too bad , " she said , relishing in the opportunity to comfort him , " You 'll have me to support you . Don 't forget that . I 'm here for you , just like you are for me . " Hannah had told him many times about the effect he had on her : he " quieted the demons , " as she said . Wendell was the only one that knew , despite the facade that she put on , that she was still suffering from the break - in he 'd saved her from . And any time there was that welling up of anxiety within her , she could be assured that to see Wendell , to be near him , even just to hear his voice or to think about him would calm her . He certainly didn 't need her in that way , but he thanked her earnestly . " Connection would come in time , " he though , " Like Rob . Perhaps . " " No , that is not what I want , " Dee said , " I want you to join us and share our goals and pursue those ends together with us . It is simply that in order for you to do that you must abandon your family . If there were another way , then that would be what I would prefer . " " You will learn secrets , " Dee said , " Secrets that must be protected . Secrets that will endow with powers you were never realized possible . They mandate that you segregate yourself from normal society . That 's all I can say . " Wendell turned away from the man and looked out into the night . He wasn 't as repulsed by the idea as he thought he should have been . He reassured himself immediately that he was grateful for his parents and was thankful for all they had done for him . However , when he thought about the possibility of him never seeing them again , his only consideration was how they would take it . So far as he could tell , his father had been dramatically affected by the loss of his sister , and the possibility of repeating that pain would be a dreadful burden to place upon them . But aside from that , what else could be said in objection to abandoning them ? " I know that you don 't always feel close to the members of your family , " Dee continued , " The people that we recruit - people like you and I - tend to be outsiders . We tend not to fit in society . It does not have a real place for us . You will find , though , if you join us , that you do have a place among us . People who can see like you , people who know what secrets hide in plain sight around them . You will be happy among us . " It 's a school , actually , " Dee said , " An alternate course of education . It surpasses the drudgery of the public institution that you have been forced to attend . It is an institution that will teach you knowledge and power beyond what you could possibly attain elsewhere . This is its attraction . This is its selling point . This is what makes it worth the sacrifices that you will inevitably have to make . When you finish you will be a member of an elite circle of individuals . You will be able to do things you cannot now imagine . And be assured that many have sat before where you sat . Some turned , but those that didn 't have joined us haven 't regretted it and haven 't turned back . " " What types of things ? " Wendell said , " What will I learn ? You keep on avoiding telling me much of anything about what I 'm agreeing to . " " No , " Dee said , " There is no enrollment deadline . We will take you whenever you decide . Though I must warn you that the decision does not become any easier the longer you wait . You will find that life is often easier if you make decisions ( even if they are not optimal ) and commit to them , than if you agonize over them . " After regaining his solitude , Wendell savored the night for a few minutes longer , before he as well stood up and walked back to his house . When he tried to sleep , he couldn 't . His mind was too alive with thought . The possibility that anything that the man had said was untrue was dismissed . Wendell knew that the man was not lying . This raised the question of how his aunt could 've possibly chosen such a path - what could be worth giving up everything . That , however , Wendell understood . If the man 's promises were in earnest , it was worth it . " My family 's moving to Texas , " Rob said despondently after Wendell sat beside him . " My father 's being transferred to Dallas , " Rob explained , " It 's some big opportunity for him . A promotion , I guess . My mom 's ecstatic : bigger house , nicer stuff and all that . I don 't like it , though . It 's hot in Dallas , and I got to go and leave behind all of this and we 've got only like three or four weeks to get ready . I 'm being honest : I 'm going to miss you . " " Where should I go ? " he thought . He was surrounded by houses on all sides , and the nearest anything was several blocks away . No store would be open . There were maybe some cafes open up late , but he didn 't know about that . Without any decision being made , Wendell walked . He liked taking solitary walks . He 'd never done so at night , but he found that the silent emptiness appealed to him . Within a few minutes of walking , a black cadillac drove up beside him . The car slowed down so that it was driving at the same rate as Wendell was walking . A man in the back seat unrolled a window . Wendell ignored the car and started walking faster , but the car simply adjusted its speed to remain beside him . The man in the car , lit up a lighter in front of his face , using it to ignite a cigarette he held in his mouth . It illuminated his face , and Wendell glanced in his direction . It was the same man that he 'd seen at the malt shop . Wendell stopped and looked at the man . When he 'd imagined meeting the man , he 'd assumed it would be in a public place in full light of day . He wasn 't comfortable with sitting alone in a dark car with this man . " I sense that you are wary , " the man said , " You 're wise to be so . You don 't know me . I could have sinister intentions . How about we go speak down at the park at the end of the street ? I 'll meet you there . You did want to talk to me , didn 't you ? " There was a small park there , a large patch of grass with a few trees and some benches . Wendell didn 't say anything , but he aimed himself towards the park . The man seemed to understand that Wendell had consented , and the car drove up to the park and stopped . The man stepped out of his car and sat himself at one of the benches . When Wendell reached the bench he sat down beside him . The man introduced himself , reaching out his hand to shake . " My name is Dee , " the man said . " Your aunt is still alive , " Dee said , " She is happy . She is healthy . And she wants you to know that , even though she abandoned your father and your grandparents , that she still loves them . " " That I cannot tell you , " Dee said with a frown , " But I will tell you right off that I want to be honest and forthright with you . " Dee paused for emphasis , continuing , " The reason I want to talk to you is because I want to ask you to do what your aunt did . If you do , you will receive the answers to all you questions . " Posted on April 20 , 2014 by admin Reply That night , as Wendell was preparing to sleep , he saw another shape , like the one he 'd seen earlier at school floating through his room . It moved with what seemed like purpose , squeezing and expanding its body for the purpose of locomotion . It crossed the room and passed directly through the wall , never returning . Nonetheless , just the thought that might return , made Wendell nervous and prevented him from sleeping . " I can 't really describe them , " Wendell said , " They 're like ghosts . I mean like I imagine ghosts look like . They 're shapes that move around and change shapes and float through the air . Not like shapes of anything I know . More like blobs . Like a puddle , but changing all the time . " " Everywhere ! " Wendell said , " I can see a few now around us . There 's one floating over your head right now . " Wendell 's eyes followed the shape and Rob looked up in an attempt to see it , but saw nothing . " I 'm scared . What are they ? " Wendell asked , " Am I seeing things ? " " Calm down . Calm down . We 'll work through this , " Rob said , now speaking in a soothing voice . Wendell took a deep breath and tried to relax . " Can you interact with them ? " Rob asked , " Can you , say , move them with your hand or blow them . Do they change shapes when you touch them ? " Wendell was at first hesitant , worried what would happen if he touched these things . Rob encouraged him , and he reached out for the shape nearest to him . He expected to feel something , like moisture or coolness , but he felt nothing . He tried to alter the thing 's shape and direction , with no result . " No , " Wendell said . " Okay . Okay , " Rob said , thinking , until an idea came to him , " Maybe they 're in your eye . Maybe they 're tiny little creatures floating around in your vitreous humour . Perhaps your sight has gotten so good that you can see such tiny things . " " Is that healthy ? " Wendell asked , " Should I go to a doctor ? " But before Rob had a chance to respond , Wendell shook his head and said , " No that doesn 't work because they don 't move with my eyes . I turn my head , and that one there , it stays where it 's at . " Wendell pointed above him while he turned his head . " Okay , this is good , " Rob said , " We 're narrowing down the possibilities . So , how would we rule out the possibility that they 're hallucinations ? " He thought for a moment , then started to ask a series of questions , " Have you ever dreamt about them ? Do you see them when you close your eyes ? Is there anything else you see that might be a hallucination ? " To each of these questions , Wendell shook his head . " Well , then there not hallucinations , " Rob declared , " Very unlikely . And if they 're not some defect in your eye , that must mean they 're real . Things that for some reason your eyes can detect and ours can 't . So , I don 't think you should worry about them . " " Look , " Rob said , " We can presume that the only reason you 're seeing them is because of your improved eyesight . In other words , they 've always been around you . They 're probably around all of us . And if they haven 't done anyone any harm before now , then why should they start doing so because you can see them ? Now , I 'd like to learn what we can about these things . You know ? Be scientific . " You 're right , " Wendell said with a smile and a little bit of a laugh , " I 'm sorry . " Posted on April 18 , 2014 by admin Reply The next day , Wendell was confronted by Donnie in the halls of Hawthorne High . It was right after lunch , and Rob and Wendell were walking to class . Donnie approached Wendell from behind and pushed him . The push was so hard that Wendell fell forward onto the ground . The books that he had been carrying were sprawled across the floor . Wendell 's first reaction was actually to ignore Donnie , as he crawled forward and collected his books . " This is about my girl , " Donnie said , now shouting . A collected crowd was gathered around them . " What you doing with her ? Hannah 's my girl ! " " Did you just say that to me ? " Donnie said , pointing to himself as he spoke . " Put up your fists , weasel , " Donnie said , as he raised his fists in front of his face in a practiced boxing pose . Wendell handed his books to Rob , who backed away . Wendell raised his fists too . Donnie took this as an opening bell , and he lunged forward . He landed a hook on Wendell 's cheek just below the eye . Donnie rubbed his fist and shook it with pain , as if he were used to delivering such blows beneath the padding of a boxing glove . Wendell , on the other hand , fell back a few steps . He was still standing and able to fight , but he didn 't want to go on . He walked away into the crowd and left the whole fight behind . The crowd immediately dispersed when a teacher appeared , demanding to know what was going on . Donnie shirked away without being confronted . Wendell walked into the nearest bathroom , stepping inside the first stall and sitting down . Once he 'd closed the door , he buried his face in his hands and started to silently cry . He sat there for many long minutes , tears pouring freely from his eyes , long enough that he was quite late for his next class . The teacher didn 't reprimand Wendell , but instead , seeing his red eyes and the beginnings of a black eye , sent him to he school nurse . Wendell tried to object , but she wasn 't the type of person who could be persuaded otherwise when she 'd decided on something . She asked if they could see each other over the weekend , and Wendell agreed . Secretly , out of view , she kissed his cheek where it 'd been punched and left . As Wendell sat in the hall alone after she left he noticed , for the first time , an object floating in the distance : something vague and transparent that floated through the air . He thought it was a balloon at first , but it was too amorphous - changing its shape like a globule of oil in water - and no one else seemed to see it , though it floated right over several peoples ' heads . He couldn 't explain it or understand it . Was it a ghost ? He bent over and buried his face in his hands , squeezing his eyes shut . When he raised his head to look again , it was still there . Apprehensively , he walked away , putting the shape behind him . It seemed to pay him no mind , drifting along aimlessly , like a cloud on the wind . Once it was far out of sight , he was able to relax and return to the normal business of school . " No , that 'll just make it worse , " Wendell said , " No one likes a tattletale . I can avoid him , I think . " " I 've never really liked that school , " Ruth said , " Too many unruly kids there . That principal 's too lenient . Boys like this greaser of yours should be expelled . " When Frank arrived from work later on and he saw the black eye , his first comment was , " Maybe we should pull you from school for a while . You can afford to miss a semester or two . Maybe we could get your class materials delivered here and you could send your homework in , or something like that . " " The young lady that visited you yesterday ? " she asked , gratified that her questioning had ultimately paid off . When Wendell nodded , she said gleefully , " I liked her . So pretty . And her mother was so charming . I would love it if you saw more of her . I like hearing about my little boy growing up , discovering girls and taking them out to malt shops . Courting was a bit different back in my day , but I know how things go . So , when can we start sending out the wedding invitations ? " She laughed riotously at her own joke , even though Wendell looked at her peculiarly , like someone alien to the ways of middle teenagers . When Frank arrived home later , he was not nearly so sanguine . " I don 't like you going out after school , " he said , " I should 've told you before . As soon as that newspaper article came out . From now on , you go straight to school , you come straight home . " " This is not punishment . This is protection . This is to protect you . This won 't go on forever . Just maybe a few months , " he said . Wendell still tried to object , and Frank said , " You can bring people over here . You 're not grounded or anything . The purpose is for your protection . " Frank sensed that what he was doing might seem unjust , might seem as if Wendell were being punished in the absence of having done anything wrong . To soften the blow , Frank presented Wendell with another wrapped present . This one , Wendell was considerably more excited about , and he tore through the wrapping paper . He found a wooden box inside , and when he opened it up , a shiny , red telescope gleamed from within . The thought of telling his father about his encounter with the strange man at the malt shop crossed his mind , but he dismissed it . He couldn 't think of a reason not to tell his father beyond that he was curious to see the man again and felt that telling his father might threaten his opportunity . In truth , all his father 's recommendations since his eyesight started improving appeared now almost preternatural in how prophetic they were . It 's was uncomfortable for Wendell to discover that his father , even when he seemed to be acting irrational and unjust , actually knew exactly what he was doing . Nonetheless , Wendell was still curious , and wasn 't entirely convinced that he wanted what his father wanted . He took the telescope to his room , unfolded the tripod and set up the telescope . He looked out his window through the telescope 's eyepiece . The telescope , just as it did with a person of normal visual acuity , enhanced his sight , and he could see the distance with profound clarity . He invited Rob over the next day to show off his new telescope . Rob was even more excited about the new toy than Wendell was . Their sight from the window was limited , since other houses blocked their sight . Rob and Wendell talked while Rob looked through the telescope . Rob congratulated Wendell on his date with Hannah , " Who 'd have thought that a girl like her would not only be good looking but also have good taste . Did you wow her with your erudite conversation ? " " Yeah , well , " Wendell said , despairing of the possibility of being able to explain to Rob what it was like . He changed topics , saying , " However , the crazy thing about it was what happened afterwards . You know how you said that you thought my aunt had been spirited away by the government to work as a spy ? I don 't know if you were serious , but when I was at the malt shop , alone , a man approached me and said that he knew my aunt and that he 'd seen her recently . " Rob stopped what he was doing and stared at Wendell agape . " You 're not kidding , " he said to Wendell after a long bout of silence . " You understand that when I proposed that your aunt was a spy , " Rob added , " I wasn 't being entirely serious ? I 'm never quite sure whether people get when I 'm joking or not . It 's one of the perils of being a funny man . Are you sure wasn 't just some creepy stranger trying to play some perverse prank on you ? " " I have no idea , " Wendell said , " But he knew enough about me to know that my aunt went missing . Mind you , this is an event that occurred decades ago , when my dad was a child and my dad and her lived in another part of the state . It 's not like this is a well - known fact . She disappeared quietly without any newspaper noticing . " That night , Wendell was awoken from a deep sleep by his mom rousing him in his bed . It was dark and the clock beside his bed displayed the hour as 11 : 40 . His mother was wearing a bathrobe over her nightgown and said , sleepily , " You have a phone call . " Hannah was on the other end , and she said , " Wendell ? It 's so good to hear your voice . I 'm in room , and it 's just so dark in here . I was in my bed , and I thought I saw this shadow in front of my door , and I just couldn 't sleep . Can you just say something to me , while I climb into bed . I just need something to comfort me . " " Tell me about what you learned in class today . It doesn 't matter what . You can tell me exactly what you told me about earlier . Even just having you on the other end is helping . " Wendell recounted events from his day in a quiet voice , most of which he 'd already told her about . He even repeated some of the things she 'd said . While doing so , he imagined her climbing into bed in her transparent nightgown while she pulled the sheets over her . Posted on April 14 , 2014 by admin Reply The next day , Hannah returned to school for the first time in several days . She was showered with attention by her classmates , most of whom she tried to deflect with an attitude of reluctant discomfort . Only Wendell 's presence brought her any delight that day . Her entire attitude towards him was changed . Instead of treating him with friendly indifference , as she had before , she gave him her full attention during the classes they shared together , frequently looking in his direction and smiling warmly to him , with the type of sneaky smile exchanged by two people who share some important secret . Wendell , on the other hand , was still shy around her . He was shy when he asked her if she wanted to go out to a malt shop with him after school , but she agreed . In the malt shop , they sat in a booth across from each other , sipping out of tall glasses of white malt beverage . Hannah was not as comfortable in the silence as Wendell was , but , after a day during which she 'd been assaulted by a barrage of questions , she savored in the quiet feeling of happiness she felt as she sat with him . It was the first time she 'd felt anything like happiness in days . " Donnie ? " she asked with surprise , " You mean the Junior with the leather jacket and the duck butt hair ? I did come here for a drink once with him and we talked for a while , but he was a germ . I think he mostly just wanted an audience to listen to him while he talked about himself . I won 't be seeing him again , if I don 't have to " She laughed and said , " Oh he 's just a friend . A very good friend . But it looks like you 've had your eye on me for some time . Watching every guy I associate with , and I 'm sure being endlessly jealous . " She laughed again , and it made Wendell blush with embarrassment . The date ended pleasantly enough . Hannah 's mother drove by to pick her up . She was a busy girl and always had something going on . Wendell waved goodbye to her and went up to the counter to pay for the drinks . While he was standing there , a man in a dark coat approached him . He had black hair with flecks of silver , almond - shaped brown eyes and a triangular - shaped face with a large forehead and a small , narrow mouth . The man had been seated at the counter since Wendell had arrived , sitting alone . Wendell hadn 't paid him any attention , but as the man neared him , he had the unmistakable feeling as if his mind was being read . It was a feeling he 'd never felt before , and he couldn 't understand the source of the perception . " I know your aunt , " he said , again returning to that casual way of speaking . There were other people within earshot , and he spoke as if he was talking about the most boring , ordinary topics . He said , " I just saw her yesterday . " Wendell looked stunned , and the man continued , " Don 't mention it to your father , of course . We 'll see each other around again soon , and we can discuss it then . Have a good day . " |
by Zannah Leave a Comment I 'm a list person . I don 't keep them once I 'm done and I certainly don 't organize them , but I do create them . They 're usually on post - it notes or the backs of pages in my work notebook . Sometimes I email myself lists and other times , if they 're short , I just repeat the items to myself over and over until I get to the store . That 's not usually a successful method of remembering anything , though , so I do try to write stuff down as much as possible . Today it 's a text file with a running list of everything I need to buy or do to be ready for tonight . It 's open on my desktop so I can add to it as soon as I think of something , but the danger in the virtual list is the strong possibility that I will forget to print it before I leave for the store . And yes , if I had a Blackberry or something similar , this wouldn 't be an issue . I know . My point , if I had one when I started today , might have been that even though I have a list of things that really should get done before anyone shows up at the house tonight , I am not worried about getting it all done . I 'll be able to leave work early today ( by virtue of having arrived much earlier than usual ) and I will have plenty of time . Besides , our friends are pretty forgiving . 🙂 Thanks , guys ! by Zannah 2 Comments John and I just spent the evening cleaning the house . It 's not sparkling , but it 's SO much better than normal . We just need to make this the new normal . I 'm sitting at my ( neater than usual ) desk in the living room , with Amanda 's accounting book next to me and the Obama bobblehead that Erik and Margaret got me on top of it . Our Christmas tree ( the fake one our neighbor gave us ) is over my left shoulder with lights on , and Roxy is on the little rug in front of the piano , gnawing on one of her chew toys . I think I 'll buy her ( and Riley ) some new toys this weekend . The dogs smell so good now ! They got baths at the kennel , so they smell clean and sweet , and they have the cutest bandannas around their necks . Roxy 's is pink . I 'm looking at our tree again , and I think we need to put more thought into decorating it next year . Or whenever we put one up again ( since we haven 't been doing it every year ) . We have a gold ribbon twining around , but it stops about halfway down . The lights aren 't very even , but that 's an easy fix , since we 're planning on buying a new one with lights already in it . Whatever . It 's too late to put anything thought into it now . by Zannah 3 Comments Jess warned me that this book would make me cry , but I didn 't expect it to happen so soon ! I started it ( A Three Dog Life , by Abigail Thomas ) this morning over breakfast and was blinking back tears on page 11 . This might have to be a book I only read at home ( as opposed to in the car , during lunch at work , at the dentist 's office , etc ) , if only to avoid embarrassing myself in public . Tom and Tania arrived just around 9pm , right on time . Toni ( John VII 's sister ) sent lobsters as her Christmas present to John ( VII ) and Pat . I 've had lobster before , but I think it was just the tail . And I 've had lobster meat before , of course . I like lobster . I 'm saying all this because I 've never had someone drop a whole lobster on my plate before . I didn 't think it would be a big deal , though , since I 've eaten crabs like that and I love crab legs . Wait - I really should have seen this coming . I don 't eat whole crabs anymore because I freaked myself out about it a long time ago . My freshman year in college , on a retreat in Delaware with the Troubadours , we were eating crabs . Someone had shown me how to get into the shell and pointed out what to eat and what not to eat . By my third crab , I realized that I had probably eaten some of what I wasn 't supposed to eat , and I was no longer sure what was safe and what wasn 't . So I got kind of grossed out and decided not to eat whole crabs anymore . Anyway , I figured that since that episode was more than 11 years ago , and since I had plenty of veteran lobster eaters around me , I could handle whole lobsters . I got up close and looked in the box and saw that they were , in fact , still alive , and I watched John ( VII ) drop them in the pot . And then we watched the pots and heard the lobsters rattling around in there . That was all kind of fascinating , and I 'm pretty sure it did not contribute to me wussing out later . Dinner was served , and all of a sudden my plate had a big lobster on it , looking up at me . I had no problem pulling the claws off and apart ( just like crab legs , right ? ) , and I pulled the tail off just fine . But then I looked inside the body of the lobster and I realized I just couldn 't dig around in there and sort out what to eat and what not to eat and not think about what exactly what it was . I started to turn a little green , and Emily and Molly helped me give the body off to someone else . I did finish the tail , but John ( my John , wonderful husband that he is ) got the meat out for me . I just totally wussed out . As a general rule , I 've realized that I just can 't eat something that comes out to me whole . My shrimp can 't have heads or legs , my crabs need to be legs or meat only , I know I don 't want my fish to come out whole , and I don 't think I could ever eat one after gutting it . I don 't think that 's weird or too much to ask , so I 'm pretty sure I can get through most of my life like this . Without making a big deal of it . I may have some issues in Asian countries ( that 's where I developed my rules about shrimp and whole fish ) , but I 'll deal with them as they come up . Christmas this year lost a lot of its urgency , thanks to Molly being almost 16 . 🙂 She wasn 't even the first person up ! We all rolled downstairs in our pajamas a little after nine . Everyone got tea , coffee , or hot chocolate , and we opened our stockings around the kitchen table . Among the other little odds and ends that show up in those , John got some tools ( midget screwdrivers and stuff ) , I got a Starbucks gift card ( Woo ! ) , and Pat got a new hair dryer . 🙂 Yes , Emily stuck a hair dryer in her mother 's stocking . We moved into the family room to open presents . Having only spent Christmas with this family , I don 't know how it 's done anywhere else , but here , one present gets opened at a time . There 's no particular order ( we don 't go from youngest to oldest or anything like that ) , but each person opens a present while everyone else watches , and then it 's someone else 's turn . It takes a really long time , but what else are we going to do on Christmas Day ? Besides , this way everyone can see what everyone else got , too . I like it . Rose ( otherwise known as Grandma ) was staying with the family for the week , and every time we handed her a present she 'd say , " Oh , is this for me , too ? Really , you shouldn 't have . " It was funny , genuine , and very grandmotherly . Remember how John and I decided we weren 't going to buy anything big for each other ? Well , he didn 't listen . In his defense , although he gave the present to me , it 's really for us , so it 's kind of like we bought ourselves a big present . Kind of . 🙂 I forgive him , though , ' cause he bought me a electronic drumset ! SO cool . We should have time ( and room ) to set it up this weekend . I 'm so excited ! 🙂 We finished opening presents sometime after noon , and we finally had breakfast around 12 : 30 ( I think ) . I don 't really remember how we spent the rest of that day . I went for a short run around 3pm and we watched Stepbrothers that night , but the rest of the day ? Well , there was Christmas dinner , of course , that evening . Pat made roast beef and Yorkshire pudding , and it was delicious , as usual . Stepbrothers , however , was not delicious . It 's a Will Ferrell / John C . Reilly movie , so we went into it with certain expectations . I really really really wish that Pat , Rose , and John VII hadn 't seen it . I 'm sure they feel the same way . 🙂 There are parts that became even more disturbing because they were watching , too . I laughed a couple of times , but it was mostly stupid without being funny . And I 'm not sure we watched it on Christmas Day . Could have been Friday night . We watched Love Actually either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day . Not sure which . That , of course , was wonderful . On Friday , Toni and Susan ( John VII 's sisters ) came to visit . They brought John VI ( Granddaddy , or as he signed his card to me , " The Old Man B " ) . We exchanged a few gifts ( Susan has been learning how to knit , and she made everyone winter hats ! They 're really cute and totally wearable . ) and had lunch together . Jim ( Toni 's husband ) couldn 't come because he had to stay home to take care of the new lab puppy ( adorable ! ) . After they left and we all cleaned up , we took the opportunity to get out of the house ( and help Pat ) and headed to Wegman 's . She needed some things for Saturday 's lunch / dinner with the Baches . John ( VIII ) , Emily , Molly , and I piled into our car and headed for the store . We found everything on Pat 's list and bought that on her card ( Emily had it ) , but then we decided to buy dinner on us . Pat had been cooking nonstop since before we got there and she still had more to do , so we figured the least we could do is buy dinner for her . Then no one has to cook and the clean - up is easy . So we went to the pizza shop at Wegman 's and ordered three pizzas . Their pizza is really pretty good . On Saturday , Bob and Barbara , Kristin and Tony ( her husband ) , and Holly and Tim ( her boyfriend ) all came over . More food , more visiting . Holly had everyone in her family decked out in LaCoste gear ( she works for the company ) . Everyone seemed pretty happy and is doing fairly well . I 'm supposed to send Barbara the recipe for peppermint bark . They were in the car for a few extra hours on the way home because of fog , and that 's all they had to eat . Apparently they liked it , since she asked how to make more . 🙂 After we cleaned up from that visit , someone found video from John 's graduation , our wedding , our rehearsal dinner , and Vincent 's 80th birthday party . So we watched those for a while and then we finally gave in to Molly 's pleas that we play Cranium with her . 🙂 We had three teams . Officially , Molly and John ( VIII ) were on a team , Emily and John VII were another team , and Tom and I were the third team . Unofficially , John VI was on Emily and John VII 's team until he got tired of it , Pat joined my team with Tom for a while , and Tania floated in the background and joined in occasionally . It was a lot of fun ( as usual ) , but we were doing really badly for a while ! ( We being everyone except Emily and John VII , who kicked our butts and won the game . ) Sunday was a little rushed , mostly because no one wanted to get out of bed . We were all going out to breakfast , so John and I packed the car so we 'd be able to hit the road from the diner . This diner was about 15 miles east of the house , and it was really cool . The waitress was hilariously grumpy . We had a good breakfast , said our goodbyes , and started our drive home . We were trying to get home with enough time to unload the car and then pick up the dogs ( it was packed solid with stuff , and there was no way the dogs would fit ) . We were cutting it kind of close , so John dropped me off at the kennel to get the dogs checked out . He went home , threw everything into the house , and came back to get us . Oh , besides the drumset , the other thing that took up all the room in the car was the box full of 8 folding chairs ( and fancy covers ) John ( VII ) and Pat bought us for Christmas ! It 's a great present . Pat knew that everytime we host a holiday , we rent chairs so we have enough seats for everyone . I hadn 't thought ahead to New Year 's yet , so this was a perfectly timed , perfectly practical gift . I don 't have to ask our friends to bring chairs like I had to do for Thanksgiving . Anyway , we got home safe and sound . And , since it was our anniversary ( 8 lovely years , thank you very much ) , we got sushi and DQ blizzards to go and ate in our living room while watching Mad About You episodes . Thanks for the sushi , Mom and Dad ! We 're totally exhausted and looking forward to our next weekend . At least work this week isn 't too taxing . And thankfully , Roxy timed her seizure last night for 9 : 45 , not 2am . She always has a seizure within three days of coming home from the kennel . I don 't know if it 's the stress ( or lack of stress since she 's home now ) or if maybe they 're not giving her the medicine correctly , but she 's had seizures after coming home from the kennel ( any kennel ) since she started having them in the first place . Well . I 'm at almost 2000 words here , which is a bit ridiculous for one post . But it 's all out of my system now . It was a very good , very pleasant , very busy visit . And now I need to rest . by Zannah Leave a Comment John and I arrived at his parents ' house last night around 10 , pretty tired , but happy to be there . We decided not to stop for dinner on the way up , but fortunately , Pat had leftovers . 🙂 So we had a couple of slices of pizza . Everyone gave up and headed for bed around 1am , but we stayed up with Emily for about another hour . Then we collapsed . I got up at nine this morning with every intention of running ( I even got Emily out of bed to go with me ) , but then we realized it was pouring outside . I don 't run in the pouring rain . 🙂 I told Emily ( and Molly ) that we can just postpone our run until tomorrow morning . We can go before we open presents . Molly thinks I 'm kidding . Anyway , we had a late breakfast and then ran some errands . Got back from errands and had a late lunch ( like 4 o ' clock late ) . Dinner tonight is lobster , but we 're trying to wait for Tom and Tania to get here . They 're on the road from Connecticut , but with the rain and the traffic , it 's hard to say when they 'll actually arrive . As long as they get here safe , it doesn 't really matter when . Speaking of safe , Mom and Dad decided to stop for the night on their way back to AL since Dad is worn out from dodging skidding cars all over the highway . Good call , Dad . They 're in no hurry . Oh , that reminds me . I lit Hanukkah candles tonight . 🙂 Pat bought me a menorah and Hanukkah candles when she went to the store today . I had to look up the blessings online ' cause I couldn 't remember the first one . The other two were still in my head . It 's been a REALLY long time , though . And I had an audience , which made me a bit self - conscious . by Zannah Leave a Comment I am SO not in the mood for work today . We packed up the car , dropped off the dogs … . and went to work . That 's not what 's supposed to happen next ! Packing the car is supposed to be followed by hitting the road ! Driving to your destination ! And your destination should never be work . Work is NOT a destination . A destination is someplace you want to be , someplace you 're looking forward to going . Vacation . Work is an end , a place , an objective ( an objective I am not meeting at the moment ) , but never a destination . So yes , I 'm at work . I still have an hour to go . And contrary to my own expectations , I actually have done some work today . I have also fielded calls from Mom and Erik and been to the bank and the deli . All not work - related . It evens out . We stayed up a little later than planned last night . Got a lot of presents wrapped , more peppermint bark made . And this morning we just couldn 't get out the door . We got up early to pack and load the car , but it was still almost 10 o ' clock before we left the house ! So for the second day in a row , we were late . Our boss was good - natured about it . I 'm a little tired , but I see a stop at Starbucks in my future , so I 'm not worried about making it to PA . by Zannah Leave a Comment Here 's me and Jess in a coffee shop / bookstore in Annapolis . We 're annoyed by Zagat 's restaurant blurbs . A handful of quotes do not a review make . Also , I think we 're aware we 're being photographed . We have a very pronounced lack of holiday - themed pictures of Annapolis . We enjoyed the decorations , but apparently not enough to take any pictures . 🙂 I can only blame myself , though , both for not bringing my own camera and for not asking John to take any pictures of Annapolis decked out for the holidays . I 'm sure we 'll muddle through without them . John and I watched two movies this weekend , fully expecting to really like them both . Neither of them really did it for us , though . We didn 't dislike either of them , but I guess we were expecting more . We were really disappointed in Dan in Real Life . We just kept coming up with different ( maybe better , but definitely preferable ) ways to handle the situations he found himself in . It was still enjoyable , but it was a little frustrating to watch . We decided to watch Dan in Real Life Saturday night because John wasn 't in the mood for gay cowboys . We watched Brokeback Mountain Sunday night . You know , I really did like that movie . My only complaint ( John 's , too ) is that I didn 't see the point where their friendship turned into love . I liked the friendship , I liked how it was developing , but then one night because it was cold they decided to have sex ? It didn 't feel like they developed those feelings . The plot needed it , so it had to happen right then . We had the same complaint about the short story . And some of the early tenderness felt underdeveloped . These are tough , taciturn cowboys . It doesn 't feel right to have one of them reach out to stroke the other 's cheek right away . Later , sure . Not at first . So the beginning of the relationship felt rushed , I guess is what I 'm saying . By the time they reunited after four years , I was invested in it and I didn 't have any more problems with the movie . And I loved what they did with the shirts . When Ennis takes the shirts from Jack 's parents ' house , his shirt is inside Jack 's . When we see the shirts at the end , Jack 's shirt is on the inside . It 's like all those years that Jack had the shirts , he was hugging Ennis , and now that Jack is gone , Ennis is hugging him . LOVE it . And apparently ( ' cause I read the trivia section at imdb . com ) , switching the order of the shirts was Heath Ledger 's idea . Man , he was really good . I couldn 't always see Jack past Jake Gyllenhaal , but Heath Ledger completely disappeared . by Zannah Leave a Comment We watched Dan in Real Life last night . It was okay , but we didn 't like it as much as we expected . You know , I 'd like to get into why ( and talk about Brokeback Mountain ) , but it 's late and I 'm tired . So you 'll just have to wait . We went shopping , too , and got everything else we need for Christmas . We should be all set . Yeah , I can 't type anymore . Going to bed . Sorry . by Zannah 2 Comments Mindy came home from the hospital today . I talked to her this afternoon , and she 's doing okay . Mom is taking care of her . John and I went to Annapolis today to hang out with Jess and Chuck . We had a little bit of a hard time getting started this morning , though . Last night we went to Joe and Megan 's house for a few hours after work . We weren 't able to leave work early at all , so we rushed home to let the dogs out and try to run them around for a few minutes before abandoning them again . ( We made sure we put everything edible or valuable as far out of their reach as possible , since it 's days like this when they get destructive . ) We made it to Joe 's house around 7 : 30 or so . It was a little bit crazy there , but good crazy . After the boys went to bed , we sat around in their living room with a fire and talked until about midnight . I pulled John away with the reminder that we were getting up early the next day to go to Annapolis . He and Joe have plans to have lunch soon ( and hopefully Megan ( and the boys ) and I get to come along … ) . Anyway , we got home and got to bed around 1am . Got up at seven . No , the alarm went off the first time at seven . For a second I thought the clock was wrong - I was WAY too tired for seven am and it was so dark outside ! But we snoozed for about half an hour and then got up . Snoozing helped . And I was wide awake and ready to go by the time we hit the road . Starbucks helped . Their croissants are really good . Jess told me where we should meet them when we got the Academy this morning , and she warned me that even with directions , it might be hard , since there ARE NO STREET SIGNS . I figured that the only street signs that would be missing would be right at the very end , and I didn 't think it would be a big deal . I was half - right . We had street signs until the last two turns , and yes , the two that were missing were right at the end , right at the Academy . But the Academy is a BIG place . So we turned too soon , found ourselves across some body of water ( not the Severn itself , but something attached to it ) , turned around at St . John 's College . Got back on the road we were on , went a little further , didn 't turn on what would have been the right road ( because it had no sign ) and ended up across the Severn . I was pretty sure that wasn 't right , so we turned around again . This time I took that turn onto the right road , but went right by the hall we were supposed to park behind . I got pointed in the right direction by the gate guard . And Jess and Chuck showed up just as we were parking our car . So our getting lost helped with the timing , but still . Street signs are important ! We got an information - filled ( and trivia - filled ) tour of the Academy from Chuck . It 's a very impressive - looking place . I kinda wish we 'd been able to see it filled with middies , but that 's my own fault for waiting until the holiday break to get out there . We weren 't able to see the chapel ( there was a wedding going on ) , but we wandered through parts of Dahlgren Hall and Bancroft Hall ( which is HUGE ! ) , and much of the grounds . Some of the grounds . Saw the mast from the USS Maine . There 's all kinds of cool stuff just laying around . John took some pictures , but I haven 't looked at them yet , so I don 't know what he got . After our tour , we headed into downtown Annapolis for a little bit of wandering and some lunch . I love that kind of historic downtown shopping district . Fun to just window shop and people - watch . After lunch , Jess and Chuck took us to the bookstore with the dragon in the children 's section . I really like that kind of bookstore . It 's basically in an old house , sort of shotgun style , with a step up to each room as you go further towards the back . Not very big , but cozy and crammed full of books . That 's basically what I want , although I think I want it on a slightly larger scale . Oh ! On our way to lunch , we were walking by this hotel and Chuck muttered something about wanting us to go in and see their heating system . We all looked at him like he was crazy . We should know by now that he is , but he certainly steers us in the direction of some really interesting stuff . This hotel apparently used to be heated by hypocaust ( an underground heating system used by the Romans ) , but no one at the hotel knew it until they were doing some renovations . So there 's a room off the lobby with a glass floor so visitors can look under their feet and see part of the ducts used to move the heated air around . It was really cool . But walking on the glass floor unnerved me and Jess a bit . We were home before 3 : 30 this afternoon , and we 've done very little since . Actually , that 's not true . We put up the tree and decorated it , and we 've talked to almost every member of John 's family and helped them all with gift ideas . 🙂 So now I 'm waiting for the pizza we ordered to arrive , and then we 'll watch a movie ( maybe Dan in Real Life , maybe Brokeback Mountain - I know , I know . Very different movies . ) . Tomorrow , we have to finish our Christmas shopping . At least we know what we 're looking for . Mostly . by Zannah Leave a Comment It 's a yucky misty day . Not so bad at work , but outside is unpleasant . Work is actually kinda … not fun , but not aggravating . I 'm busy ( still testing ) , but the end is in sight . A lot of people aren 't here today ( not on our team , but in the rest of the office ) , so things are pretty quiet . We just had a short staff meeting ( the best kind ) and everyone was fairly pleasant . We all still have our senses of humor . I went back to that cake and candy supplies store so I can make more peppermint bark . I also got some milk chocolate , toffee pieces , and malted pieces . That should be delicious . 🙂 I will play on Sunday . The woman at the counter this time was very pleasant , not like her surly counterpart from my first visit . ( " Surly " is a good word . I should use it more often . ) We 're heading to Joe 's place tonight to hang out with him and Megan , but it 's looking more and more likely that we won 't get out of here as early as we were hoping . I was planning on staying until 5 or 5 : 30 anyway because of today 's deadline , but John had planned on getting out around 4 ( we came in at 8 this morning ) so he could go home and take care of the dogs before coming back to get me and head to Joe 's . Unfortunately , he had a rather busy morning , so he may not be able to leave that early . We 'll see . The rumor yesterday evening was that Mindy might get to go home from the hospital today . I have no idea if that came to pass or if it 's likely to , since I haven 't heard a peep from anyone in my family today . I can only assume nothing bad has happened and that she 's not any worse . Everyone is pretty quick to get in touch if there 's something I should be worried about . ( NOT a criticism . ) I think , in this case , no news is good news . by Zannah Leave a Comment Tasted the cookies again today . The weird taste of something that didn 't get mixed in all the way is flour . I just have no idea how that happened . The office holiday party was today . I wore my new black boots . That 's really the only noteworthy thing about it . And of course , that 's only noteworthy to me . This post does not flow at ALL . Kinda sucks , actually . Sorry about that . 🙂 If I have time at work tomorrow , I 'll do better . Well , I won 't fix this post . I 'll just aim higher for the next one . I feel like I got punched in the mouth . Right side only . The numbness has worn off and the ibuprofen has not yet kicked in . Aside from that , it was another very pleasant trip to the dentist . ( Oxymoron , right ? ) I think I will bake them cookies . When I got there this morning , the front desk staff told me I was the Patient of the Month and gave me a bag full of goodies . They gave me a travel mug , some Ghirardelli hot chocolate , some other chocolates , and some toothpaste . 🙂 If they hadn 't included the toothpaste , I would have thought they were just trying to give me cavities and make me come back . I learned something today ( while at the dentist ) . They put adrenaline in the novocaine ( or whatever they use now as the anesthetic ) . Apparently , the numbing slows down your heartbeat , so they put a little adrenaline in there to keep that from happening . Instead , your heart starts to race a little . So I kept thinking I was reacting ( belatedly ) to my nervousness about getting that shot , but really it was just the adrenaline THEY added . Totally weird . Today I was so jittery I could feel my hands and arms shaking . But only for a minute or two after the shot . I do still dread the shot , but I don 't worry about the actual procedures anymore . They 've convinced me they 're not going to hurt me . My cookies failed . I make darn good cookies , but something went awry tonight . And I didn 't realize it until John came home and tried one . I actually stayed out of the batter and away from the cooling cookies . They 're not bad , but I can 't give them to people . I have a cookie reputation to uphold . They taste like something didn 't mix in very well . Possibly the baking soda . John says he 'll eat them . 🙂 So I 'll just have to try again sometime . But this means I can 't bring cookies to the dentist office . Is it bad form to bring them peppermint bark ? Hard , crunchy candy is supposed to be the worst thing for teeth , right ? I might do that anyway . Because white chocolate and peppermint is hard to resist , even for dental hygienists . Mom is on her way to Louisville to help Mark take care of Mindy . Actually , she may have landed by now . Mindy is still in the hospital , but hopefully not for too much longer . Dad said he talked to her this afternoon and she sounded much better . by Zannah 2 Comments I have resolved to do no more worrying . ( About Mindy in the hospital , anyway . I make no such promises about anything else . ) She 's in good hands , she has pain medication , Mark is with her , she 'll be okay . She 's staying there tonight and at least until she sees the doctor tomorrow . Then they 'll decide when she can go home . I hope she 's feeling better , I hope she 's not worried anymore . I don 't want her to be scared . The hard part is over . Easy for me to say , I know . by Zannah Leave a Comment Mindy 's surgery went fine . She 's recovering . But at third hand ( Mark told Mom , Mom told me ) , she had a rough night . What does that mean ? Probably pain . I would expect some pain after surgery , but was this unexpected ? More pain than usual ? Different pain ? Is it related to the infection ? Mark hadn 't seen the doctor yet when Mom talked to him , so hopefully more information will be filtered down to me once that happens . She 's still in the hospital , so whatever it is , she 's in the right place . I just want to know if this is normal or not . I want to know that the doctors know what it is and are working on it . How about this ? I am super excited about our day in Annapolis this weekend . Hmm . That doesn 't sound like me . I mean , yes , I 'm excited , but I don 't usually say I 'm " super excited " about anything . 🙂 " I 'm very much looking forward to it " sounds stilted . But the sentiment is the same . I get to hang out with Jess and Chuck for a few hours , go on a tour of the Naval Academy , see Annapolis all decked out for Christmas , and have yummy fish and chips . Oh , and I get to see this mysterious bookstore with a dragon in it . What could be better ? I 'm hoping to have all holiday shopping ( what little we 're doing ) done by then . John and I will probably try to go to the mall Thursday after work . We only have a couple of things left to get . I ordered as many things as possible online so I could avoid going to the mall . I don 't mind the crowds , but parking is a pain . And it drives John crazy . 🙂 He hates circling for a parking spot . Well . Mom just called . Mindy is in the ER for an emergency appendectomy . I started to get upset , but this is not a life - threatening surgical procedure . She 's been there for a few hours already this evening ( for tests ) , so at least she was in the right place when the doctors determined this was necessary . Mom says the doctors promised Mark they 'd be able to tell him something in less than an hour . I 'm not sure what that means , exactly . Does it mean they 'll be done that quickly ? Or that they 'll know about how long it will take by then ? Or that they 'll know how long she 'll have to be in the hospital recovering ? I have no idea . But when Mark calls Mom , Mom will call me . So I will try not to worry . In other news , if you haven 't seen Keeping the Faith ( and you like romantic comedies ) , you should see it . It 's actually funny , which is something you can 't say about many romantic comedies . Ed Norton , Ben Stiller , Jenna Elfman . Good movie . That 's one I always watch if it 's on TV ( I just caught the end ) , and I never feel sullied ( to steal Chuck 's term ) afterward . It 's just a good movie . Yeah , I can 't keep babbling about random things right now . Mindy in the hospital , Mindy in surgery trumps everything else I can think of . So I 'm going to post this and fret offline . by Zannah 2 Comments I 'm not crazy about Sundays . I spend too much time worrying about wasting the rest of my free time . Take today , for instance . We slept in , which was very nice , got up a little after 10 ( I think ) , had breakfast around 11 , watched some episodes of Mad About You , and went out around noon to get haircuts and buy holiday cards . We 're back , it 's not yet 2 o ' clock , and I feel like so much of the day is gone already . It doesn 't help that the sun goes down before 5pm now . I don 't really have anything else to do today , so I should just relax and enjoy it . And I will . Eventually . I 'm going to run ( which should be interesting ; it 's pretty windy today ) , and then shower , and then curl up on the couch and start on these holiday cards . We got our first one yesterday . I was going to check out the new Bloom 's that just opened in the neighborhood ( I need contact solution ) and maybe get something for dinner . Maybe I should do that before I run so I don 't have to go out again . Maybe I should run to the store . I did . I ran to the store . It 's not even a mile away ( I think ) . Getting there was easy . And I wasn 't buying much . So I just grabbed my wallet and put it in one of those cloth grocery bags , rolled it up , and carried it in one hand . It was certainly chilly and windy , but I was warm enough while running . And I was immediately overheated when I walked into the store . I managed . Anyway , I grabbed what I needed , checked out , and headed home . It 's a LOT harder to run home with a bag full of stuff . It wasn 't heavy ( maybe 5 or 6 pounds ) , but hanging the bag from my shoulder meant it was bumping against my hip with every step . I tried cradling it in my arms in front of me , but that was awkward , too . So I ended up walking most of the way home . I think next time I 'll try a backpack . Now it 's about 5 o ' clock . We ensconced on the couch with our cheese and crackers . John is trying to install a game on his laptop . I will probably read . Catch you later . by Zannah 4 Comments I finally saw the inside of our neighbor 's house . Now that she 's moving , she 's suddenly friendly . No , that 's not fair of me . She was always friendly , but it was more of a talk - to - each - other - over - the - fence - in - the - backyard friendly , not so much invite - me - into - her - house - to - chat friendly . This neighbor ( let 's call her Stella ) was the seller 's real estate agent when we bought our house . She adopted two kids from Russia ( a boy and a girl ) who came home for the first time just a few days after we moved in . They were 5 and 9 years old . She already had a son ( also adopted , I found out today , but from Ukraine , not Russia , and as a baby , not a walking , talking child ) who was about 6 when the other two came home . And I think she has an adult son ( stepson maybe ? ) . I 've met him several times , he works with her as a real estate agent , shares her last name , and sometimes lives with her . Maybe he 's her much younger brother . I never asked . Anyway . Stella put a for - sale sign up in her front yard less than a week ago . I 've wanted to ask her about it , but , like I said earlier , we 're not exactly the kind of neighbors who just knock on each others ' doors to chat , so I was waiting until I caught her outside . Tonight I took the dogs for a run , and on our way back , we met her two dogs . No leashes , no kids , no Stella in sight . ( She is also the neighbor whose dogs routinely get out of her house and yard and wander the neighborhood . She doesn 't always notice . Oh , and these are the dogs ( Ginger and Bear ) who bark . And bark . And bark . And bark . ) They 're nice dogs , and I was pretty sure they 'd follow me home , since I had Roxy and Riley with me to hold their interest . I got them into Stella 's backyard ( the gate was open ) , threw my dogs in the house , and went over to her door to let her know her dogs were back ( in case she was worried ( assuming she knew they were gone , of course ) ) . Stella greeted me at the door with an immediate , " Come in , come in ! " - something she 's never done before . So I went in . She showed me the house from top to bottom ( and it looks great ) , and we sat in the kitchen and chatted . She said she decided to sell her house now because if she waits any longer , the price will go down below what she paid for it . So she 's basically breaking even by selling now . Depressing . I 'm not sure what my point is here . Oh ! Well , this may not have been my point , but the house sold on the second day . I didn 't think anyone was able to sell that quickly right now . And her price was not THAT low . She 's closing at the end of January and moving by the end of March . I should have asked her what the buyers are like . Didn 't think of that until I got back home . by Zannah 4 Comments I woke up today with a much sunnier outlook . It 's Friday ( woo ! ) , the sun is trying to come out , I 've been watching what I 've been eating for the past two days and as a result , I have lost two of those pounds I gained back , Mom and Dad are on their way back to the States , and it 's the weekend ! It 's worth mentioning twice because I have a lot to do and will have time to do it this weekend . I will finish shopping this weekend . I will also get my earrings fixed . John bought me these beautiful emerald and diamond earrings for my birthday this year , but the first time I tried to wear them , I found that one of the clasps won 't latch . There 's nothing to keep that earring from falling out of my ear . I want to wear them on Thursday ( office holiday luncheon ) , so I need to get them fixed . Hey , in case any of you were in doubt , Mom gives good advice . Especially when one is overly emotional . Mindy jumped right on the emotional crazy train with me and told me exactly what I wanted to hear ( which is great for validation - thanks , Min ! ) , but Mom told me what I should do . And she was right . So that 's what I did . And now that the crazy train has pulled into the station ( had enough of this metaphor ? ) , I 'm glad I listened to her . Well , that was yesterday ( and yesterday 's gone ) . Today everything is sunshine and light . 🙂 That may be going a bit far . by Zannah Leave a Comment I have completely forgotten what I was going to write about tonight . Work was okay today . It was nice having John there for the afternoon , even though he wasn 't very happy about it . Yes , he 's still sick . He seems to be doing slightly better ( he 's not as dead on his feet ) , but he says he feels a little worse than yesterday . His project is due tomorrow , so he and Greg are trying to put the final touches on it . Then he can collapse . He can sleep in tomorrow and then come to work in the afternoon again . And then I will force him to rest all weekend . Hopefully , he 'll be better next week . Ooh , the " Festivus " episode of Seinfeld is on . I 've been watching a lot of TV this week . I only have a handful of shows that I DVR and watch regularly , but I really will watch almost anything that 's on . A handful ? Let 's see . In no particular order , I watch True Blood , Fringe , 30 Rock , My Name is Earl , Heroes , The Mentalist , and Lost . I think that 's it . And Eureka . So it 's a handful and a half . Seven hours of TV a week , except that their seasons don 't all run at the same time . So it 's never more than six hours a week . John watches all of those shows with me except Fringe . And we tend to watch them on weekends , never live . So why have I been watching random TV every night this week ? What 's wrong with my book ? It 's been raining all day , and every time we let the dogs out , we have to convince Roxy to leave the deck . She 'll stand in the middle of it , in the rain , but we can 't get her to go down the steps without going out there with her . And this last time we let her out , we couldn 't get her to come back in . When she finally decided she was ready , she was completely soaked . I just don 't understand this dog . Maybe something will happen tomorrow and I 'll have something to write about . 🙂 Or maybe I 'll just be more focused and able to write something that isn 't boring . I 'll try harder . Tomorrow . |
Posted on March 26 , 2013 by amywitkop 5 I 've thought about this time in my life a lot lately . It 's hard to imagine me at 11 processing these feelings on my own . I think it all adds up , all the grief , you remember , even if you don 't remember consciously your body remembers and while I do believe if you work with it and acknowledge it , it helps in the letting go - there are still times that it comes back . One Sunday evening I am staring at nothing out the front windows in the kitchen and see a small black cat , sauntering - yes , he is sauntering - up the left set of stairs . He 's a tiny little thing with bright green eyes . " Oh look , a black cat , " I yell to my partner , Julie . " What ? " she says , running into the kitchen , leaning toward the window . He walks right up the steps onto the back patio . Julie is absolutely and utterly excited about the prospect of another cat . She grabs the cat food and rushes outside , sprinkling it on the ground . Not too rushed , though . " I don 't want to scare him off , " she says . I stand inside for a moment and eventually move to the doorway with the door nearly shut behind me so Isabel , the cat that lives with us , doesn 't run out . " Oh , he 's so skinny - he must not have a home . His head looks so big because he 's too skinny . " She is knelt down next to him , but not too close , barely touching him . I can see his tiny ribs , black fur flecked with gray . He is older than I would have thought , his skin sagging a little . The shining smile in Julie 's eyes when she looks up at me has me feeling momentarily outrageous , so much so that I want to shout out , " Let 's keep him ! " " We 'll call him Todd , since his head is so big - after Big Head Todd and the Monsters , " she says . I feel it in my heart , yes , let 's keep him . What happens next is how it always is with me - my brain and my body take over . My old memories flood back to me , and I hate using the word flood to describe emotions , but it is what it feels like . I can 't turn it off . I can talk myself through it , but I can 't turn it off . The images that come to me are the way they are . I can 't really say it out loud either . So I brood on it and sit there , feeling something stuck in my throat , as if to speak it would cause me great harm , but it 's in there and it wants to come out . So much so that this little cat has become a metaphor in my life for the words that I need to speak , that I need to say aloud to help myself and possibly to help someone else . Some part of me believes this . We don 't end up adopting him , but in a way , he adopts me - appearing at just the right times over the next few months to help me remember and pull up these old memories . Coincidence ? I think not - Carl Jung says what doesn 't come to you in consciousness comes to you as fate . For me , Todd is both . So while the world is going on , Julie talking about the cat outside and how he must not have a home and we 'll have to feed him and this and that , I try to distract myself , doing something on the computer or my phone , playing a game , drinking a glass of wine - but that 's not where I am . I 'm not even in my body . I 'm in a field in Hartland , Michigan , and I am 11 . I 'm in a field of tall grass in the heat of summer . Sweat drips and drops off of me . My blonde hair is pasted against my neck and face . I 'm not a very sweaty kid , I 'm more of misty kid . Sweat covers me most days from head to toe when it 's hot . I 've never liked the heat even though I was born in the summer . It gives me a headache . I wish I did like summer . Everyone else can 't wait until it comes around , but I 'm too fair - skinned to ever fall in love with it . Most summer days I 'm inside , in the water or somewhere cool . If not , I 'm likely complaining and miserable , because I can 't stand the heat . But not today . Today , I 'm out in the field next to our home in Hartland , Michigan , just three lines in from my thumb , that 's where I live on the map . I 'm playing with a bunch of kittens . They are the sweetest things ever , their tiny green eyes and soft baby fur . I love them so much I 'll even stand right in the heat of the sun for them . I whisper to them - things I 've never heard anyone say to me . " I love you , little kitten . " Always in a hush . I know if someone hears they 'll tease me . We don 't say such things at my house and I don 't know why we don 't , but we don 't and if you even think of such things , someone will call you a baby , an asshole , a witch or something worse . " You 're my best friends . " Grinning as I tell them . A tear wells in the corner of my eye when I say it . I don 't know why that tear does that . I blink it back . " No sense crying over some silly cats . " That 's what I tell myself whenever I start to worry about something I shouldn 't or can 't do anything about . I 'm 11 , crying is for babies . " No sense crying over that . " The cats are tiny , maybe six or eight weeks old , two gray , one black , and two black and white - " a mixed breed , " Momma would say . I 've named each of them after someone famous , someone I might be like when I grow up . I wouldn 't ever tell anyone their names . It 's a secret between me and my kittens and if I did tell someone theyMomma and Daddy have been gone for nearly a year - I 'm not sure they are ever coming back . Daddy , who is this old guy with wispy gray hairs on the top of his head , always covered by a trucker hat or a Greek fisherman 's hat , even though he is not Greek or a trucker , pulled me aside one day and dragged me into the park , which made me want to scream and run away because he gives me the creeps . I get that feeling inside that says something bad is about to happen whenever I am alone with him , and for all the things I don 't feel or don 't admit - that 's one thing I do listen to . He promised he just had something to tell me and wouldn 't do anything bad , so I went with him into the park - and tell me something he did . He told me , with his old coffee breath streaming right out of his mouth into my nose and out the top of my head , that he and Momma were leaving to find work and they 'd come back to get me . I didn 't really believe him because I hardly know him and in my family we don 't trust people we don 't know . I also didn 't know what to say . So I stood there in silence and pretended it wasn 't going to happen . I never knew Daddy before last year when he moved in with us . No one ever even told me he was moving in . I only overheard Momma saying to one of the older kids , " We need him . We 'll have a better life if he 's around . " I haven 't seen anything better since he 's been around . Anyone who was old enough to move out of the house did , right away . Johnny and Bobby are the only ones left with me . With Daddy moved in , the rules changed fast . No TV , unless you wanted to watch PBS , which is the most terrible channel I 've ever watched . We ate microwave food instead of real food and it didn 't taste good . Momma didn 't watch TV with us anymore , she played cards with him and I had to go to bed at 9 : 00 . Before that I always stayed up past 11 : 00 . Momma and Daddy left me with Johnny and Bobby . Johnny is 18 and Bobby is 16 . Johnny is in charge because he is older , taller than Bobby , and Daddy for that matter , and has a job . He doesn 't go to school anymore , because he quit . I don 't know why he quit , he never told me , and I never asked . He just stopped going one day and that was that . People do this kind of thing all the time in my family , they stop doing something or start doing something and never explain anything and no one asks and it seems no one even cares . Why would you ask anyway ? I 'm so sad that Momma left me here and is off doing something with Daddy . I yell at Bobby and antagonize him , until he can 't stand it any longer and he hits me or chases me or holds me down and tickles me until I pee my pants , then he laughs at me and I 'm humiliated , which actually makes me feel better than crying about missing Momma . That 's how we work through things around here . We don 't ever talk about a thing and wouldn 't know what you meant if you asked how we were feeling . I 'd respond with " I 'm alive aren 't I ? That 's good enough for me . " But on the inside , I tell you , there 's something dark in me that would love to just jump in the pond and go under the water and never ever come back out . Just stay at the bottom all cried out and dead . I much prefer living with Johnny and Bobby than having Daddy leering and lurking around every corner being weird and making me watch PBS . I sure do miss Momma though , but I never tell anyone that I do . It 's fun sometimes being with Bobby and Johnny . They let me stay up late , they give me money to leave them alone , and I go to the store and buy candy . They take me with them to places with this loud music playing - I feel like a wild animal , doing whatever comes into my head ! Sometimes , though , I wish I were not here but somewhere else , where it 's just me and Momma . These little kittens I have out in the field with me are like me . Well , not really . Their Momma kitty comes back and brings them food and they get milk from her sometimes , but they are kind of growing up on their own , just like me . Nobody tells me nothing about nothing about growing up , except wash your face , don 't chew with your mouth open and don 't wear that goddamn baseball hat every day . I try to act normal whenever I get in front of anyone I haven 't met before or when I 'm at school and everyone else seems to know what they are supposed to be doing , but I 'm just lost , walking around looking for someone to tell me what to do . But there isn 't anyone to tell me . These kittens are my only real friends . I know a few kids from school and from around town , but I don 't trust anyone outside my family . I can 't be honest with them . I might end up in a foster house or an orphanage or something worse , and I think the evil and good you know are better than the ones you don 't . It 's a sunny morning in the summer , the middle of June , before Bobby 's birthday , which is on the 25th . He is about to turn 17 . In my mind , he 's a slob and an ugly - faced pig , but in reality , he 's a sweet - looking boy with a swath of blond hair that 's unruly but handsome all the same . His eyes are twinkling blue , just like mine and just like Momma says Daddy 's are , but I 've seen Daddy and his eyes look old and gray , not twinkling at all . Bobby 's tall and trim and wears a pair of tight swim shorts when he works in the yard . Secretly I love him so much I 'd like to hug him , but I 'll never , ever mention that to anyone , not ever . I 'm out in the sun twirling around in the dirt and I see Bobby and my sister Jenny 's husband , Fred . Fred used to smoke a lot of pot and sell it right out of the kitchen in their trailer . Since they have two kids now , he stopped doing that . Fred seems old to me , 25 , with his long black ponytail and scraggly beard . They 're kind of whispering , but whispering in the way that boys do , not whispering at all . Fred says , " Man , there 's about 20 cats around here , I 've got no idea how in the hell so many cats popped up so fast , but we 've got to take care of them . The best way to do it is either put them in a bag and throw them in the pond , or put them in a bag and bury them in a hole . " I stop still from my twirling around and around and stare at the dirt . I 'm stiff like a board and I want to scream at them " Don 't kill my friends ! " but I don 't . It wouldn 't change a thing and they might decide to put me in the hole or in the pond as well , and while I would like to die lots of days , I can 't really make myself go through with that whole idea . Bobby slams the screen door to the back shed of our house . When Momma was here she would have yelled , " Don 't slam the goddamn door . " But she 's not here so no one cares . I don 't like the slam of the door , but it doesn 't bother me enough to start something with Bobby . He comes back out of the house with a shovel . He strips off his shirt and throws it over one of the three laundry lines we have hanging from the house to the old falling - down barn that has an outhouse connected to it . It 's not a working outhouse - someone filled the holes with dirt . Bobby 's back is brown from sun and I notice muscle on him that I 've never seen before . This summer he 's working on the hay farm for the first time ever . I don 't think he likes it too much but it 's the only work he can get . His mouth is closed tight and straight across - he 's on a mission . I stand out of the way with my back against the scraped - up house . We scraped the house last year and painted it , but didn 't have enough paint for the back of the house or the back shed , so they are rough to the touch and smell deep of rain and wood . It 's a smell that I would take with me in a bottle if I knew how . He marches off to the back right corner of the yard . He 's wearing his swimming shorts , his white tube socks and his blue Trax shoes from Kmart . I hate Kmart . I 'd rather go to the mall , but we can 't afford anything at the mall so we shop at Kmart once a year for clothes . He jabs the shovel at the ground and jumps up and lands on the top of the shovel with both feet pushing it deep into the ground . He does this over and over and over . I know what he 's doing , but I don 't want to admit it . So I watch and watch and then I get hungry as if nothing is going on at all and go over to where he is . " You want a bologna sandwich ? " I ask . " Get out of here , Amy , " he says , short and quick . Normally I 'd protest and yell something or say something back , but this time I slink off and go and make myself a fried bologna sandwich . I like to cook , and I can 't breathe , can 't breathe , can 't breathe . I lie down on the ground and hold onto it with my hands . The world is spinning out of control . Who puts cats in a bag and buries them ? Why couldn 't I ask what was going on ? Do I have time to dig them up ? There 's got to be some other solution , I know there has to be . I can 't do anything though , I 'm 11 and I 'm just a baby on the inside still . I can 't do anything , the tears drip right out of my head , I can 't blink them back . I hold the grass as if it 's holding me back , keeping me from spinning right off the earth and into another universe , maybe one where cats don 't get put in bags and get thrown into a hole . I know I 'm feeling something but I don 't know what . When I 'm sure Bobby is not around , I go and lie next to that pile of smoothed - over dirt and pretend I hear those famous kittens and in my mind they are singing my name and saying , " Go , Amy - go far away and be alive . " And I know that one day I will . I 'm not going to die here . I 'm not going to die . I will never give up . I will say it over and over and over , I 'm not going to do this . I 'm not going to stay here and be like this . I 'm going to get out . I 'm going to get out . For my birthday , I 'm putting up this writing session which makes me sad , but at the same time , it makes me happy . I look back at the little me at five and think , you 're amazing . GO ! I also look back and think , THAT HAIR ! And a pink shirt ! ? I am pretty certain that my Mom must have cut my hair for this photo and for some reason it looks orange . My sister always argued with me about this photo and one other saying it was her , but I know this was me . So there . Regardless , it could have been any of us . " Momma , I can sing real good if you want me to . " I said . She looked down and said " No girl , singing 's not going to get you anywhere . Learning is what you need . " " But Momma , I 'm big when I sing . " I stand up tall . She shakes her head back and forth , short curls swaying close to her head . " No girl , singing 's not for you . " Looking down at me she lifts a hand , the back of it brown from sun , she slaps her leg and laughs a little . Her mouth is empty , only a few teeth left , those are black and brown and broken on the edges , she has one gold one in the back . We aren 't that bad off if she hasn 't had to sell that tooth yet . " Is a few more than a couple ? " I ask . " A couple means two right Momma ? " " Yes a few is more than two . " she says " Like five ? " " Yes , three , four or five is a few . " " No more than five , right Momma , that would mean many and you said a few . Do you promise Momma ? Do you promise it will only be a few ? " " How long , how long , how long , don 't leave , don 't leave . " the rhythm of the words choking back tears . Please just tell me " 5 minutes , 10 , an hour . " " Three , four , five , she 'll be back in three , four or five . " I sing , " 3 , 4 or 5 . 3 , 4 or 5 is a few , means more than a couple , that means 2 . " I watch the clock . I always watch the clock when she is gone . " Sit still , very still or you might cry . Watch the clock . Watch the clock . " At three minutes I am hopeful . I can move a little now because I know she 'll be back soon . Four feels good , hopeful . Five is very long but by six she 'll be home , she said so . Five comes and goes and I am not sure what to do . My head says she is not coming back . Five , five , five , she 's not home . I rock back and forth , running my hand along the seam of my pants . They are my favorite pants , purple pants . What if she doesn 't come back ? I punch my leg hard . Maybe I won 't think about her never coming back if I do something else . I hit the place where the bruise is deep , black and lumpy . The bruise is from Peggy and a game she plays with me to see how much I can stand before I cry . Peggy hits me over and over . I don 't even feel it anymore . It 's just about being strong enough to not cry . Last week when Momma was in the kitchen making noodles , I was on the couch , watching the black and white TV . Peggy sat beside me and hit the soft fleshy part of my thigh . I winced , but no crying . Pausing , in between the balling up of her fist , she pinched . I looked straight ahead , no crying . My face hot , not saying a word . It could have been worse she could have been kicking me or hitting me with the brush or broom handle , or threatening to stab me with a knife , which is much more scary than this . She turned away happy , smiling , her wavy brown hair flying behind her bee - bop walk into the other room . I got myself back together and just as she was about to leave the room , I laughed and I couldn 't even stop myself from doing it . I laughed and laughed , which brought her back and the hitting and asking started again . Today , when I hit myself , it doesn 't hurt much . The tears are already welling up because Momma is never coming back . The punching makes me wince , but I 'm not afraid of that hurt . Only afraid she is not coming back . It 's 8 now . I want to go looking for her . She said not to , but I have to . I can 't wait any longer . Ten minutes is too long for me , I will check with Granny to see if she knows where Momma is . She 's not really my Granny , but that is what everyone calls her . She is smaller than Momma and bent at the shoulders , her blue and pink flowery housedress is always pressed and clean , small glasses shade her eyes , her thick panty hose sag at the ankle . I don 't know her real name . She lives next door and I like that she only has a basin and a toilet , no bathtub or sink in the bathroom . I would like it if I did not have to take a bath . There is a sink in the kitchen , but none in the bathroom . If Momma is not there Granny will give me a cookie , she always does , the kind with jam in the middle from the store , not the kind we have at home . I peek out the front door though the plexiglass window . It used to be glass - glass but has been broken too many times from angry slams . Every time it broke Momma started crying , someone cleaned it up and put cardboard in the window . Whoever broke it was always long gone and the rest of the day we 'd all try to be quiet to not make Momma cry anymore . After checking the front door , to make sure no one is lying in wait , I open the door , the handle jiggles because it is loose . The smells of summer , grass , lilac , rough wood siding , slip through me . I run down the stairs and across the cement that was replaced earlier in the summer , but has already shown wear because one of my brothers didn 't know how to mix cement . There 's always something half way finished around here . Running fast across the two driveways , ours and Granny 's , touching the big maple tree that stands in - between them . Hand hitting bark , rough , it 's not smooth like a birch . The gravel is hard on my bare feet , but I am a fast runner and I don 't care . I hear them after me already , my brother Bobby and his friends , Phil , Joel and Pat , like a wild pack of heathens . Momma calls them that . I am not sure what a heathen is , I imagine it as some sort of monster , gray like a rat with yellow teeth and the legs of a lamb , where you aren 't quite sure what you are going to get the good side or the bad . " Yeah , get her , we 're going to pound you AmyBeth . " They say my name as if it is one word all strung together . Stomach lurching , eyes darting back and forth searching for an exit , I run faster . At Granny 's door , I know I should knock and wait for her to come but if I knock they 'll be here before I get in . And today they might wring my neck good . I reach and grab the doorknob , lungs pumping , hands slippery wet with sweat , open the door shove myself through and quickly but gently close it behind me . I slide my back down against it , breathing out fear . I walk through the kitchen , the dining room , and into the sitting room . Passing the cookie jar , which seems to smile at me as I walk past . Standing up tall and proud , a fake smile across my face , maybe they 'll think I 'm pretty . I pretend to leave , opening and closing the door and then shuffle into Granny 's bathroom , lifting the lid of the white wicker hamper , I hike one leg up and pull using my back to push forward , I slip down into the hamper and close the lid . The rubber rim around the lid does not make a sound when it closes . I sink down into the dirty clothes . It is musty here , but it feels safe . The smell is like the hair from Granny 's trash that we burn on the burn pile . She wears her hair in a bun , when she lets it down it 's down to her waist . When she brushes it hair gets trapped in the brush , she pulls it out in little bundles and throws it into the trash that we collect , because we are always helpful to Granny . I like to watch the long gray hairs burn , bright red at the ends , winding around through paper . The smell of it is nice and bad all at the same time and I like it . In the hamper , I get nervous that if I don 't go home Momma will hit me with the paddle for coming to look for her , I wait for a while longer , which is probably only a minute or two and scramble out of the hamper , head first , hands out , the whole thing tilting behind me . I make the few steps from the hamper to the door silently . I stand on tip - toes looking out the glass - glass in Granny 's window . No one is around . Bobby , Phil , Joel and Pat are in the backfield . I grab the handle and turn it as quiet as I can . Sliding out the door , this time not running at all . They may not hear me if I walk soft . I pass through gravel , tree , dirt , broken cement , uneven stairs that creak which reminds me . Momma says they 'll need to be fixed by winter and where the hell is she going to get that money ? To be safe , I move the couch out just a little using my hip and leg to push with force . I grab a wadded up blanket from the chair and slide behind and under the couch . The heathens can 't find me here . Momma will know to look for me if she comes home though . She knows all my hiding places . Lying there , I stare at the wall . She might be gone forever . Sleep , sleep , sleep . Sing your song . Sometimes singing makes me sleepy . Go on sing . I know that singing makes me feel better especially if I get all the words right . Where is thumbkin , where is thumbkin ? I sing quietly , the words rock me back and forth . I use one finger from each hand to talk to the other . It takes a long time to fall asleep during the day , especially if when Momma is gone forever and I don 't know where I 'll get any food . But , if I am behind the couch with a blanket it seems like a cocoon and that is good . I know I can 't get up and look at the clock because she is still not home and it makes the lie seem bigger the longer she stays away . I pick at the plaster and at the peeling off wallpaper . No one can see it here , it 's ok if I peel it off . I won 't get yelled at . The paper is brown on the edges . It used to be tan , now its ugly and torn like someone peed on it . I am sure someone probably did or spilled some slop on it . The carpet behind the couch smells like dirt and old things . It 's red and yellow with a wavy curly design in it . It has been worn thin , even here behind the couch . Yellow fibers show through where there should be red . Sometimes the dusty smell makes me sneeze . I know how to sneeze real quiet so no one will hear me or find me back here . As long as I am hiding , no one can see me , they can 't bother me . I work at the store after school on some days . I only earn a quarter or two , but it 's worth something to me to feel important . I know at nine I shouldn 't worry about feeling important , but I do . Working . I put the quarter or two that I earn into my bank account at the bank across the street . I 'm saving for a way out of this town . I stock the coolers at the store and can carry two 8 - packs of glass bottles under one arm and one 8 - pack in the other . Each day when I walk by the cooler , I check to make sure that everything is stocked up and when someone buys something , I run and replace it right away . It 's my job . I am tempted everyday by one thing in the store , Perrier . The smooth green glistening bottle taunts me each time I walk past the cooler door . I slide open the door , the black rubber on the bottom squeaks and I have to push in while I 'm pulling to the right or the door gets stuck . If the Perrier bottle is not facing forward , I turn it so the perfect lettering is facing to the front . Why we sell Perrier in the store , I don 't know . I 've never seen anyone buy it . Perrier is RICH and beautiful to me , not poor and run down like our town . I have never tasted it , but I bet it tastes clean , like the smell of laundry after hanging on the clothes line . I know it is wrong to steal , but my brother Patrick does it and he doesn 't seem to ever get in trouble for it . I will only do it once , I promise myself . Only once . I keep watch for anyone coming down the aisle by the cooler . I 'm nervous and I think this is why bad things happen when people steal . They get too nervous and mess up , but I can 't stop my nerves from making me shift around - left foot , right foot - my heart racing . I slide open the door , pull down one bottle and put it up under my shirt and hold my arm against my side as hard as I can to keep it under cover . I run out of the store , down Avon street , legs and arms pumping , breathing short and quick , sprinting down the sidewalk as fast as I can . I run all the way to the library , around the back where there is a fenced in electrical cage . I sit down in the grass and hold the cool bottle against my face . Sweat dripping , heart racing . I know someone is going to catch me . I want to taste the sweet taste of Perrier , but I am scared . My nerves are jumpy , jumpy and the bottle now feels hot and bad . My belly has the I 've done something terrible feeling . It was quite a few years before I could afford Perrier and when I finally tried it , I fell in love again - not just with the packaging , but with Perrier . The cool crisp mineral taste . I was hooked . I still don 't know why I had it in my head that Perrier was so good , I laugh at my nine - year - old self , but realize she 's still here with me today . Loving Perrier . And it is - GOOD . Posted on April 24 , 2012 by amywitkop 9 As promised last month - here is an excerpt from my memoir . Feel free to comment . I 'd love to hear from you . LIFE is about connection From Anne Lamott - You own everything that happened to you . Tell your stories . If people wanted you to write warmly about them , they should 've behaved better . ~ July 1974 ~ I am lying in Momma 's bed , which is my bed too . I am four and wearing my pink nightgown . I don 't like pink , but since I 'm a girl I have to wear it . My blond hair is ratty and laying on the pillow . I don 't like to comb it , ever . My mouth is crusty on the side from drooling through the night . I have one of my stick legs kicked out of the covers because I get hot sometimes . The queen - sized bed is parked in the left corner of the room against the wall . I sleep closest to the wall so I won 't fall out of the bed . I never thought I would fall out of bed , but Momma says " Gaaddamn it , move over or you 'll fall right out . " One of Momma 's favorite words is " Gaaddamn it " , with an A drawn out right in the beginning , she strings it on to the front or end of most any sentence . Her favorite is when she 's trying to yell at one of us and can 't get to the right name fast enough , " Billy , Jenny , Patrick , Michael , Peggy … . Gaaddamn it , Amy Beth ! " I stay in the middle as best I can . Momma sleeps near the window and I 'm glad because if anyone ever breaks in , she 'll get them before they get me . She 's tough . She had me when she was 46 . She says " No one has a normal baby at 46 , most of them come out retarded . " She can also knock you into next week with one backhand and that means strong . Momma has a few things on the top of the brown wooden headboard . A bobby pin , which she uses to clean her ears in the morning , a jelly jar full of water that is mine that I drink out of when I get thirsty at night and her reading glasses which are smeared and greasy on the front . I don 't know how she sees out of them . She once let me try them . They made me blind . If I touch the bobby pin or glasses , she gets so mad at me and yells loud . " Gaaddamn it Amy Beth - if I told you once , I told you a hundred times . Don 't touch my Gaaddamn glasses . " I am the last of Momma 's ten babies , and the last always sleeps with Momma , there isn 't room anywhere else . There is only one real bedroom in our house . It is at the top of the stairs , that Momma can 't climb because she is too fat . If we 're trying to get away from Momma that 's where we go - right up those stairs . Outside of that room is a landing where there are 3 more beds . Downstairs behind the kitchen is a pantry that we use as a bedroom . The pantry , the bathroom and the room upstairs have doors on them . None of the other rooms do . Momma 's room is big and wide with 3 windows , but it is not really a bedroom , it is more like a living room or something else , but we use it as a bedroom . There is a walk - in closet sized room off of Momma 's room that my oldest brother Mark sleeps in . When I wake up and am scared at night I twirl a ringlet of Momma 's hair between two fingers . It is smooth and silky . I want to put my whole face in her hair to be close to her . I never get very much time alone with her , except here - in the bed , in the middle of the night , she is all mine . Sometimes , I twirl her hair too tight and she wakes up and yells " Gaaddamn it , what are you doing ! ? " and then falls right back asleep . In bed , short rays of sun dance in through the windows , shining spots onto my blanket . I stare at the wall where there is plaster missing . Chunks of plaster are missing from the walls in spots all over the house . Some are small , like my hand , others are as big as my whole body . In the places where the plaster is missing I can see thin boards that are rough and splintery , in between them there is gray rocky plaster . I am not supposed to pick at it . When Momma is out of the bed and I am alone , I do pick at the plaster . I hold my hands down as long as I can , but they just want to pull that plaster out . I try to see if I can pull out long pieces without breaking them . My finger is just the right size to fit in the space between the boards . The plaster is cool on my warm hands , rough , but falls apart easy . I line up the pieces I pull out of the wall on the bed next to me , brushing the crumbs onto the floor . Sometimes plaster falls back into the wall where no one will ever see it . There are thin gray hairs in the plaster . My brother , Bobby , who is next oldest to me , 5 years older , tells me " There is horse hair in that plaster . " I don 't believe him , because he also tells me that a tiny little witch lives in the knot , which looks like a tiny little door , in the giant maple tree by the Arnold house , 3 houses down from ours . I don 't walk past the front of that tiny little door by myself though , just in case he is right . After lining the pieces up , I imagine they are rock candy . I lift each one as soft as I can and bite the end of it . I like the longest pieces best , fully formed and taken from their home in the wall . Biting off the end of a long piece is the best feeling in the whole world . They taste like what I think chalk might taste like . I know not to eat chalk , but I can 't help from eating the plaster . I try not to as hard as I can , but I love the gritty feel and the crunching it makes when I bite down on it with my small black teeth . Most people have white teeth , but mine are white and black . Rotten . Bobby walks in the room . He is taller than me with sparkly blue eyes , a mop of blond hair that swoops down on the left side of his face and freckles on his nose . I hurry and cover the pieces of plaster , my mouth is full of it though and he sees me . She looks sad and then angry , " Gaaddamn it , quit picking at the plaster , you kids will ruin this Gaaddamn house one day . Amy Beth , I told you to stop eating that goddamn plaster . Now get out of that bed . " The paddle is made of wood . On one side it has a saying on it that I can 't read and some kids standing against a fence with their butts out like they are about to get spanked . On the other side Momma has written the names of every person she has ever spanked with that paddle . The list goes all the way down . Linda , Brian , Kloosie , Joey , Chrissy , Billy , Jon Jon , Heather , Kelly , Denise , Tom … so many I can 't keep count . If Momma likes you , she hits you nice and soft . If Momma 's mad , she hits you mean and hard . She 's always hitting someone with something , whatever is closest , she 'll throw things too and she has a good aim . She 'll spank a neighbor kid as fast as she 'll spank any of us and then send them home saying " Go ahead and tell your Momma I spanked you and see if she doesn 't hit you too . " Momma hears him and yells back toward us " You 'll be next it if you don 't stop it Mister . " And I laugh through my tears . I laugh . It was a different time , it was a different place , I can make all the excuses in the world for my Mother , but when it comes down to it , she didn 't know what else to do . I suppose , if I had lived her life , I may have been the same . A man who she kept getting pregnant with , and him never fully being responsible for us kids - he was married to someone else , little income , ten kids , a 9th grade education , depression , worry , worry . She was a victim of her own circumstance , but she didn 't have the skills or the courage to do anything else . She had her reasons for being sad , miserable and for lashing out when she 'd had enough . I used to be afraid to talk about my story , other than making fun of myself and of how I grew up , not realizing that it was terrible to do that . My psyche suffered for years . I now have compassion and empathy for the me that was and for the work that I had to do as an adult to become less caught up in this old story . I used to think if people FOUND OUT who I was , everything I was working toward and even my identity could be taken away . I don 't think I even had an identity , I was just muddling along , muddling along , doing the things everyone does , job , home , tv , blah , blah , blah . I was powerless . In time and through therapy , reading , and believing , I 've realized that I am powerful and I make my own destiny , I do not have to go back and no one can take this away from me , ever , unless I choose to let them . For those who say forget your past and move on , I believe there is something valuable at examining your past and figuring out why you do the things you do . Figuring out the why I do it in most everything , has become a passion for me . Sometimes when you find the answer to the why , you don 't need to do it anymore . By examining the past , I can decide if the story makes me who I am or is just a story that is holding me back from being more alive , a story that creates anxiety . I can decide if I want to change it or keep it . The stories don 't have to keep hurting you forever ; you can unravel the mystery . In writing this particular story I did unravel a mystery , Gypsum , which is in horsehair plaster , reduces fever , according to Chinese medicine . I always kicked my leg out of the bed , maybe I had a fever and my four - year - old body was craving what it needed to do to cool it . Gypsum . I now know to listen to my body - thankfully at the moment , it is not craving plaster . I do believe my life 's experiences made me who I am today - and I kind - a like who I am today . My past is the reason today - I am fierce in my life , I LOVE fully , and I LIVE fully , without regret . Live . Two notes about this writing session and all future writing sessions that are memoir related , this is my memory of how things were . I have a big family and I 'm sure they may remember some things differently or they may remember things that I don 't . All names have been changed , other than mine , Bobby and Michael 's . Bobby and Michael - didn 't get out . They died in 1996 and 1991 respectively - more on that in another session . |
Chloe turned around and faced her father , and in a slightly raised voice she said " Yes I was Dad . He 's my boyfriend . And you 're not going to stop me seeing him . " Frank rubbed his face with his hands , and sighed . " Look Chloe , " Frank said in a cool calm voice , " Steven is bad news . He has already been in jail 3 times , for various charges , and I 'm worried about you hanging out with him . " Chloe 's voice continued to get louder , as she said , " I know all this Dad . We have had this discussion before . But I 'm not going to stop seeing him , just because you see him as a criminal . " Chloe cast her eyes to the clock on the wall , " Shit ! I 'm late ! I won 't be home tonight Dad . I 'm spending tonight at Rose 's . I need to study for my maths exam tomorrow . " Chloe continued , before draining the rest of her coffee , and running out of the kitchen . Frank knew who Rose was , but something inside him told him that she wasn 't telling him the truth . Rose was Chloe 's best friend . Rose and Chloe have been friends for about 10 years . They met when Rose and her parents moved at school when Chloe was about 8 or 9 years old . Rose was a good kid , she always made good grades , and usually made the right decisions . Frank hoped that Rose 's influence would win over Chloe , and get her out of the crowd she had fallen in with . Frank made himself a fresh batch of coffee , and poured himself a nice hot cup of coffee . He sat on the lounge wondering what to do . His mind cast back to how life was before her mother had died as a complication of surgery . Chloe was a different girl . Chloe was well mannered , would never raise her voice , and would do as she is told . The buzzing of his alarm woke Frank up at 5PM . His first thoughts were for his daughter Chloe . He got up and had a shower , but there was a nagging inside of him that told him to call and check on Chloe . Frank got dressed in his uniform , as he prepared for the last of his night shifts . Frank thumbed through the phone index , and found Rose 's number . Rose answered the phone . Frank stammered as he said , " Hi Rose , its Mr Wilson , Chloe 's dad . Is Chloe there please ? " Rose was one of those no nonsense girls that wouldn 't take any demeaning remarks , from anybody . Many a male college student had landed up before the Dean , and then had to publicly apologize to her . Just because she had a good figure of a body , along with blonde hair , it didn 't make her any idiot 's girlfriend , or the target of sexual remarks . So , Rose was basically wasting time , either at home , the mall , or with her close friend , Chloe . Chloe ! How she missed her , lately . It was as if , Rose meant nothing to her , especially since Chloe had started seeing a guy , who Rose considered nothing but trouble , big time . In fact , his arrest on three different occasions , proved her point , but Chloe wouldn 't heed Rose 's warnings . One night , when she was alone at her parent 's house , the phone rang . Rose looked at the call display , which showed ' Wilson . ' " Chloe ! " exclaimed Rose . " Hello ? " Frank tried to hide his disappointment in hearing that Chloe wasn 't at Rose 's . Chloe had never lied to her father before , but since her decline , Chloe was changing more and more . " Thanks Rose , Chloe said she was heading over there tonight . Can you ask her to call me if she shows up at your place , please ? " Frank said somewhat despondently , before hanging up the phone . Frank headed to work , but was constantly distracted by the thoughts of Chloe 's whereabouts . Frank thought about all the hard work she had put in to her engineering degree . How lucky she had been to get in to the course . Chloe had just made the grades , and how lucky she was to get a scholarship to the same college Rose was going to . Frank spoke to a few of his colleagues about Chloe , and her ' boyfriend ' , and asked they kept an eye out for his car , when Frank took a coffee break at the local police hangout . When Frank finished his break , he got in to his patrol , punched Steven 's number plate in to the car , and bought up his details . Frank took a trip past Steven 's residence . There was no sign of life . About 2AM , Frank still hadn 't heard from Chloe . He decided to take a trip past home . Frank pulled up in the driveway , and let himself in the house as quietly as he could , then headed up to Chloe 's room to check and see if she was home . As Frank surveyed the room , it took a few seconds for the scene in front of him to sink in . Chloe had run away . Her drawers were partially opened , and from what Frank could see , they had been emptied . Frank 's blood was boiling as read the note . He knew Steven was bad news . Frank didn 't know what to do . He decided that he had to finish his shift . Frank jumped in his patrol car , and headed back to the station , and spoke to his Captain to arrange some emergency leave . Frank wondered around the house despondently , feeling lost , and confused . Frank had all sorts of thoughts running through his head , ' Have I been such a bad father ? Have I really been overbearing , and controlling ? ' Frank didn 't know what to do as he wondered through his house . ' I have to go find her ! ' Frank thought . ' But where to start . ' Desperate for a clue , he picked up the home phone , and hit redial . A sleepy female voice answered the phone . " Hello Rose . It 's Mr Wilson again . Sorry for ringing so early , but I found a note from Chloe saying she has decided to go to another state , with that Steven character . Did she mention anything to you ? " Rose was worried . It was obvious that Chloe wasn 't where she had told her father she would be , but what could she do ? Maybe her friend was out with her boyfriend , and would return home late into the night . " Hello Rose . It 's Mr Wilson again . Sorry for ringing so early , but I found a note from Chloe saying she has decided to go to another state , with that Steven character . Did she mention anything to you ? " " Rose , I 've taken some time off work . " Frank said , sounding a little distant , dazed , and confused . " I 'm going to look for her . I think I could use some reinforcements , is there any chance you could come with me . I think between the both of us , we might be able to talk her in to coming . I 'll pay for everything . Please help me find my daughter . " Frank said , now pleading with Rose , even though she hadn 't said a word . Frank continued thinking out loud , not allowing Rose to get a word in edgewise , " I think maybe we should head up north . There is a lot of strip joints , and tittie bars up that way . Maybe they stopped to make some money . But surely Chloe wouldn 't lower herself to that . " The opportunity to go traveling at someone 's expense , was very tempting . Rose would love to help Wilson to save his daughter , Chloe , from the clutches of Steven , though in her heart she knew that it would be a wild goose chase , but she needed to at least make an effort , futile as it was . " I 'm looking after the house , as my parents are away celebrating their wedding anniversary . They will be back in two days . I know you and my Dad are close friends . Why don 't you call him on his cell phone to explain the situation ? Then if it 's okay with him , I will go with you . " Frank hung up the phone , and looked at his watch , it 7 : 34 . Frank knew it was too early to Bill . Frank decided he would wait till 9 o ' clock , to ring Bill . As Frank waited for the time to pass , he went to the shed , grabbed a suitcase , headed back into his bedrom , opened the suitcase on the bed , and started packing . He threw some jeans , boxers , and polo shirts in the socks in the open suitcase . Frank then gathered his toiletries , and threw them into a shower bag , before throwing that on top of the clothes that were already in the suitcase . Lastly Fank threw his phone charger in to the suitcase , and did it up . Frank then went into his den , and pulled out his secondary weapon , and holster , and strapped it to his ankle . Frank then got himself some breakfast . He poured himself a bowl a ceral , and poured milk over his cereal . Frank sat at the table , and played with his cereal , eating a little bit every know and then . After eating 3 or 4 mouthfuls , Frank threw the rest of his ceral away . Frank look at his watch and saw it was only 8 : 15 . Time was dragging . Frank was getting more and more anxious . He decided to watch the news , and see if there was anything on there that would give him a clue as to Chloe and Steven 's whereabouts . Frank tried to concentrate , but his mind kept wondering to Chloe and what she had done . Frank watched the time in the corner of his screen tick over , minutes were passing like hours . Eventually it reached 8 : 55 , and Frank decided to call Bill . He dug his cell phone out of his pocket , and rang Bill . " Hi Bill , Sorry for ringing you while you 're on vacation , but I 've got a problem , and I was wondering if I could borrow Rose for a while . " Frank blurted out . Bill 's response was immediate , " It 's ok Frank , I 'm sure you wouldn 't have rung me unless it was important . What 's going on ? What do you need Rose for ? How can Rose help you ? " Frank was trying to hold back his tears , but managed to hold things together long enough to say to Bill , " Chloe started seeing this guy a while back , his name is Steven Chopper . He is bad news . Sometime in the last 24 hours , Chloe ran away with him . I want to go looking for her , and as you know Rose , and her are pretty close , and I was thinking if I was lucky enough to find her , Rose might be able to talk some sense in to her , because you know things aren 't too good between Chloe and I since her mother passed . " With him agreeing , she went and started packing , deciding to leave skirts and dresses at home , as jeans and slacks would suffice for what laid ahead , as well as saving space for her laptop and toiletries . All too soon , there was a ring at the door , announcing the arrival of Wilson . It was only a matter of five minutes , before her luggage was placed inside his truck , and on their way . ' R . You must know by now , that I have left Dad . I 'm afraid that I couldn 't stand his ' holier than thou ' attitude . I am an adult after all , and not a child . Pls keep in touch . C . ' ' C . Yes , I know about you leaving . Pls take care of yourself , and if you feel that anytime you want to come home , pls let me know , so I can help you . I miss you already ' hug ' . R . ' After she had sent it , Rose told Wilson about both text messages , then added , " I didn 't ask Chloe where she was for two reasons . Firstly , she might not be where they plan to settle down , and secondly , I don 't want her getting suspicious that we 're trying to find her . " Frank understood why Rose didn 't ask Chloe about her whereabouts , but that didn 't make matters easier for him . He was still upset , heartbroken by what his daughter had done . " I know how we can find out where Chloe is . " Frank said somewhat cheerfully , as it dawned on him that Chloe still ahd her mobile phone , and that it was on . Frank dialed a number on his phone , and spoke briskly , and bluntly . " This is Officer Frank Wilson , I need a trace on a mobile phone . . . I need to know where it is . . . The owner is a witness to a crime . . . The number is 555 807 4169 . . . You can contact me on 555 807 6587 . . . Thank you . " And then he ended the call . Frank looked over at Rose , and said " The trace won 't give us an exact location , but it will give us a general area , and tell us if we are heading the in the right direction . While we wait for them to trace the phone , would you like a coffee ? Or something to eat ? " They both sat down , and as Wilson waited for the response to his request , Rose broke the silence between them . " I was wondering . If Chloe is legally an adult , and has done nothing illegal , is there any legal reason why you want to bring her home against her wishes ? I hope you don 't mind me asking that , but I 'm just curious . " Frank walked into the cafe just behind Rose , and sat down opposite her . He ordered 2 coffees , and a hamburger for himself . As they waited for their order , Rose said , " I was wondering . If Chloe is legally an adult , and has done nothing illegal , is there any legal reason why you want to bring her home against her wishes ? I hope you don 't mind me asking that , but I 'm just curious . " Frank took a deep breath , and said , " That is a fair question Rose . And it deserves an honest answer . The reason I want to bring Chloe home is because of Steven . Steven is bad news . He is in to the drug scene . He has been arrested at least 3 times before , once by me . And when I arrested him , he swore to get revenge . I think he is only with Chloe to get back at me . Chloe has had everything a girl could want . She had a good home , a good education , and if she would of graduate from college , Chloe could have the world at her feet . I only want her to have the best in life . Chloe deserves better than Steve . Chloe changed when she met him , when they started seeing each other . " By the time Frank had finished explaining the reason for wanting Chloe to come home , his eyes were welling with tears . Frank excused himself , and went to the washroom . Frank washed his face , and regained his composure . While Wilson was in the washroom , Rose tried to take in what he had just said . Was Steven only using Chloe to get back at him ? She dreaded the thought what this criminal would do to her friend . When Rose saw the fear in his eyes , her sense of compassion took over . She reached over and touched one of his hands with hers . " If Chloe keeps getting in touch with me , you 'll be able to keep a trace on her whereabouts . So don 't give up hope yet . " Hearing Rose say , " If Chloe keeps getting in touch with me , you 'll be able to keep a trace on her whereabouts . So don 't give up hope yet . " bought Frank some hope . " This is Wilson . " He said . " Speaking . . . Yes I did . . . OK . . . Thank you . " Frank hung up , and looked at Rose with a despondent look on his face , and said , " We 're going the wrong way . When the phone company did the trace , they were about 8 hours south of where we started from , so they were about 10 hours in front of us , an hour ago . We 've got to make a move . " Frank gulped down his coffee , and threw his hamburger into a few napkins , before throwing a $ 20 note on the table . Frank seemed to be running to get back into the car , but he was actually just walking quickly . " You do understand why I want Chloe to come home , don 't you Rose ? " Frank said as they climbed into his car . " We 're all guilty of that ! But I 'm sure that 's the last thing on Steven 's mind . So do what you need to , to catch the swine ! If Chloe texts me again , I 'll let you know , and if she calls me , I 'll motion you to pull over , so that you can get out , and put a trace on her phone . I don 't want you in the car , while I chat with her , as she will hear you . " Frank observered the speed limits , till he cleared the city limits . Frank then set the cruise control , for slightly above the speed limit . As they drove further south , Frank kept glancing over at Rose . He noticed her long slender legs , and the curves of hips and thighs , and wondered if her skin was as soft as it looked . After driving a while further , Frank started to yawn , and said to Rose , " Listen Rose , I 'm getting tired . I haven 't slept since I started work last night . I think we might pull in to the next motel we come across so I can get some sleep . " Though he wasn 't sure if she heard him over the I - Pod she was listening to . Frank pulled into a motel just off the highway , and left Rose in the truck , and walked into the reception area , and emerged a few minutes later with a key . Frank had asked for a double room , with the hope that Rose would lay down beside him . " I got us a room Rose . It 's just around the corner . But the only room they had , has a queen sized bed in it . " Frank said as he pulled the bags out of the truck , and started walking towards the room . Frank opened the door , and placed the bags on the table . " I 'm going for a shower and then I 'm going to get some sleep . " Frank said as he headed for the bathroom . " I 'm going for a shower and then I 'm going to get some sleep . " Rose didn 't like this situation , not one bit at all . Did he really expect her to sleep in the same bed ? Her father would blow his top , if he knew what predicament his close friend had put her in . There was no choice , but to make a gamble . If it failed , she would sleep on the floor , or make him do that . " I know for a fact , that Chloe can drive . Have you considered that they are not staying somewhere overnight , as they can take turns behind the wheel ? I know you 're tired , but I have relaxed , while you drove , so I 'm good for a few more hours . Why can 't I drive ? Just point me in the right direction , and tell me what roads to take . " " For crying out loud Mr Wilson ! They are probably putting more miles between us , as we speak , so much so , that we may never find her . What are your intentions ? " He listened as she said , " I know for a fact , that Chloe can drive . Have you considered that they are not staying somewhere overnight , as they can take turns behind the wheel ? I know you 're tired , but I have relaxed , while you drove , so I 'm good for a few more hours . Why can 't I drive ? Just point me in the right direction , and tell me what roads to take . " Frank stood riveted to the spot . He knew deep down , that the best plan was to keep moving , but his body wasn 't willing . He didn 't have the strength to answer her . " For crying out loud Mr Wilson ! They are probably putting more miles between us , as we speak , so much so , that we may never find her . What are your intentions ? " Rose continued , sounding very suspicious of the whole situation . Frank knew how it looked . Him . . . her . . . alone . . . the motel . . . the queen sized bed . . . " Look Rose . I know how this looks , but I [ b ] am [ / B ] tired . I know you 're right . We should keep moving . " Frank began , before yawning yet again . " Look , give me 15 minutes , I 'm just going to have a shower , and freshen up a bit , and then you can drive for a while , so I can get some sleep . " Frank turned and headed for the bathroom , locking the door behind him . Frank turned the shower on and let the water run as he got undressed . The bathroom was starting to fill with steam , as Frank stepped under the shower . Frank washed himself , and his hair , with the courtesy soap provided by the motel , and was stepping out of the shower about 10 minutes later . Frank dried himself , and put his boxers on . Frank then pulled on a clean pair of denim shorts , and put on a polo shirt . Frank then did his hair , and opened the bathroom door . He walked out , and put his dirty washing into a plastic bag , before throwing the dirty washing in his suitcase . Rose then decided to plug her cell phone into the cigarette lighter socket , to both charge it , and make it easier to answer if Chloe called . As the miles and hours passed , Rose wondered if it was worth all this effort to try and fetch an adult back home against her wishes . At five in the morning , she was now dealing with the snoring of Wilson , who was well and truly in a deep sleep . Suddenly her phone rang with the theme that said that a text had been received . ' R . I know you will be asleep when you receive this , but I wanted to tell you that Steven has just told me , that we should be at our destination this afternoon . He originally didn 't want me to keep in contact with you , but I told him that you were a close friend that could be trusted not to tell my Dad anything . I hope that I am right ! C . ' Frank could hear Rose calling him , but it sounded like she was miles away , but when he heard Rose say , " I 've just got a text from Chloe ! Here read it , then track her phone , and not necessary in that order ! " Frank woke with a start . " Rose , " Frank began , " Do you think I am being stupid ? Do you think we are going to be able to bring Chloe home ? I mean she is technically an adult . I just know Chloe can do so much better than this boyfriend of hers . " Frank said , as if he was questioning his actions . They had been on the road for a long time now , and whether he wanted to admit it or not , Frank was subconsciously coming to terms with what was going on . After about half an hour of driving further south , Franks phone rang . He spoke abruptly as he had before , but when he hung up , he seemed a little relieved . " They did the trace Rose . Chloe is about 6 hours in front of us . Her phone has been registered to the towers near the border for the last 3 hours . I 'm thinking they may have stopped for a rest . " Frank said with the relief obvious in his voice . Frank was shuffling in his seat . His truck was getting uncomfortable . " Rose , how about we stop for a break for while . Maybe grab some breakfast ? Have a stretch ? What do you say ? " " Do you think I am being stupid ? Do you think we are going to be able to bring Chloe home ? I mean she is technically an adult . I just know Chloe can do so much better than this boyfriend of hers . " " Well , I could do with a few minutes to freshen up , but how about we eat breakfast on the fly ? That way we can narrow the gap , before they go on the move again . All I need is a bacon sandwich and a coffee . I can drive while you have yours , then if you 're okay , we 'll switch places . How 's that ? " The mere thought of how Steven could use Chloe against her own father , infuriated him . Rose was right . He could be using Chloe just to get revenge . But then again , there was nothing to say that this could all go pear shaped , and he could end up taking Chloe hostage , or worse . But he had to at least try to get Chloe back . Once Rose pulled up at the roadhouse , Frank jumped out , and stretched his back . " Rose , I 'm heading to the men 's room , and ummmm I might be a while . Here is $ 20 to cover your breakfast , so you don 't have to wait for me . " Frank said as they were walking in to the roadhouse . Frank headed straight in to the men 's room , and once he had answered the call of nature , he walked to the basins , and looked at his reflection . Frank looked like hell . He had bags under his eyes , he needed a shave , and the worry lines on his forehead were deeply embedded in his skin . Frank threw water over his face , after washing his hands , looked in the mirror , and questioned himself and his actions again before going outside to find Rose . Following him out of the roadhouse , Rose took in his physical appearance . Considering that he was going through hell , he still looked handsome . She wondered why he had never remarried . Then she pulled over , before the road started curving again . " I think I 'm getting a bit tired . Would you be so kind as to take over the driving , while I eat this thing , and get some shut eye ? " Frank reached in to his paper bag , and pulled out one half of his roast beef sandwich , and started to eat it , occasionally taking a sip of coffee . Frank had just finished the first half of his sandwich when Rose 's hand landed on his thigh , causing Frank to jump slightly . Rose immediately said " Oh . . . oh . I 'm sorry . " , Frank laughed , and said , " It 's ok Rose . It 's just been a while since anyone has touched me there . " Frank had just begun the second half of his sandwich , when he saw Rose pull half her sandwich out of her bag . " This is what I was aiming for ! " Rose said , Frank toyed with a couple of lines in his head before he said half laughing , " Here I was thinking a young girl like you was interested in an old fox like me . " " I think I 'm getting a bit tired . Would you be so kind as to take over the driving , while I eat this thing , and get some shut eye ? " Rose said , just as a breakdown bay came into view . Frank said without hesitation , " Sure pull over in that breakdown bay , and we can swap seats . " As soon as the car stopped Frank hopped out , and stretched momentarily , before walking around to the driver 's side . As he buckled the driver 's side seatbelt , he said " You know I was joking about you being interested in me , don 't you ? Although I would be very flattered , if that was the case . " With that said , Frank pulled out of the breakdown bay , and started negotiating the windy road in front of him . Frank picked up his mobile phone and tried to ring out , but the phone had no service . " Stupid bloody thing . " He said as he threw the mobile phone on to the front seat . Frank took his frustration out on the accelerator , and was sitting further above the speed limit than he had done previously . Frank drove at this speed for a while , and before long , they were passing through the outskirts of a city . Frank picked up his phone , and tried to dial out . A few minutes later Frank was requesting another trace on Chloe 's mobile phone , when he hung up , he said " We shouldn 't be too far out now . Maybe 2 hours until we reach the city Chloe 's phone was in last time I traced her . How about sending her a text , just asking if she is ok , or something ? I just want to make sure her phone is still on . I hope she doesn 't realise what we are up to . " Rose 's fear that he was starting to lose focus on the situation was exposed when he threw his phone onto the seat beside her . " Stupid bloody thing . " . After which he sped up to a point that he was taking curves a bit too fast for Rose 's liking . She wanted to yell , " Are you trying to kill me ? " but thought best not to , hoping he would slow down , as the bout of frustration would die away . " . . . How about sending her a text , just asking if she is ok , or something ? I just want to make sure her phone is still on . I hope she doesn 't realise what we are up to . " Sensing the car slowing down , she reached for her phone , and began to text . ' C . I 've just read your text . I 'm glad that you still trust me . Please keep in touch . You 're a dear and close friend to me . ' Hug ' . I hope you are ok . R . ' Once Rose said " Well , let 's hope her phone is on . I fear she 's thinking that I 'm still back home , and I dread to think what she will think of me , if she spots us together , looking for her . " Frank 's phone rang , and not long after that he hung up and said , " Well Rose , if my calculations are correct , the next major town we come to , should be the last town between us and Chloe . The only trouble is the trace can 't pinpoint Chloe 's location . " Frank glanced over at Rose , and tried to smile at her reassuringly . " Sorry for scaring you . I 'm just worried about Chloe . I have so many thoughts running through my head at the moment . Thoughts like , what if she doesn 't want to come home , what if she thinks you 've betrayed her , what she is going to think if I tell her about Steve 's threats to me . I really don 't know how she is going to react . We need to formulate some sort of plan . " Frank dialled a number in his phone , and asked for the local police station . " This is Officer Frank Wilson . I 'm an officer with the City Police Department . I am about an hour out from your town , I need to talk to your shift supervisor please . " |
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