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Well , I guess it wasn 't really Hopalong 's fault . But when you are 10 - years - old and are used to watching the exciting adventures of the famous cowboy Hopalong Cassidy every Saturday morning , it hurts when you can 't watch it one Saturday . My problem was that we didn 't have a TV set . In fact , hardly anyone in Deerfield Beach had a TV set . The first person in Deerfield to get a TV set was Doctor Higgins . He was a very tall man , kind of bald , and the only doctor in town . He practiced his medicine initially in the same house where he lived with his wife and daughter , Betsy , who was my age . Their house and office was on Hillsboro Boulevard , across from the U . S . Post Office , in the same house that the Kraeer Funeral Home is in today . Betsy was tall and skinny , had long blonde hair and wore glasses . We were friends , but not too good of friends . She was taller than me by two or three inches , and one of my biggest competitors for getting the best grades in our class at school . When the Higgins first got a TV set , we were all invited to come over and watch on Saturday . But after the second or third week , Betsy told us we couldn 't come anymore because her father had said that he had patients coming and we might disturb them . But it didn 't take long for one of our fathers to step up and pay the price to buy " all " of us kids a TV set . Well maybe it wasn 't really for " all " of us , but it seemed like it at the time . Mr . Allan Ballard ( the father of Johnny Ballard , who recently retired as the longtime chief of police in Hillsboro Beach ) stepped up to the plate and bought the second TV set in Deerfield Beach . Not only that , but he and his wife , Miriam , let it be known that all the children in the neighborhood were welcome to come to their house on Saturday morning and watch it with Johnny and their daughter , Susie . Their house was located on property which is now part of Deerfield 's City Hall east side parking lot . Everything was going along fine with our TV watching for months until one Saturday morning we got to their house and no one was home . One of the kids said that he heard they had gone up to Georgia on a vacation or something . I remember thinking , " They must have left us a key or something so we could get in to watch Hopalong . " We looked under the front door mat . No key ! We looked under all the flower pots . No key ! We started to panic , because Hopalong was going to start in a few minutes . Maybe they forgot to leave us a key ! Suddenly I got a great idea . I told the kids I 'd be right back . I ran as fast as I could the 100 yards or so to my Dad 's shop . I ran in to where I knew there was a crow bar . I grabbed it and ran as fast as I could back to the Ballard 's house . Someone scooted an old chair from their backyard up to a side window . I stood up on the chair and used the crow bar to pop open the wood frame window . Pushing it up as far as it would go , I pulled myself up to the window sill and scrambled inside their house . I ran to the TV and turned it on , and then came back to help the other kids get into the house . We all made it inside and sat down on the floor to watch just as Hopalong Cassidy came on . " Whew , " I thought . " Barely made it ! " We hadn 't been watching Hopalong five minutes , when suddenly a deep voice came through the open window : " What do you kids think you 're doing breaking into Ballard 's house ? " I looked over and recognized the policeman . Everyone else kind of froze , so I got up to explain to him that we always come over on Saturday morning to watch TV at the Ballard house . He responded by asking , " Do you always come in through the window ? " I said , " No , but I 'm sure it is all right . Mr . Ballard just forgot to leave us the key ! " I could tell he was trying to keep a straight face . He asked who brought the crow bar . I raised my hand . He told everyone else to go home , but ordered me and Tommy into his car . He drove us the 100 yards or so to my father 's machine shop . We got out and went in . Dad was running a lathe . The policeman told Dad where he 'd found us . Dad stopped the lathe , looked around real serious - like , and said " Guess you 'll have to put ' em in jail ! " I couldn 't believe it . I started to cry . As we turned to get back in the car , Dad hollered out and told the policeman , " Be sure to get their fingerprints too ! " It seemed like a long ride back to the police station , " even though it was only two blocks . We went in and the policeman had us dip our thumbs in an ink pad and put them on a pad of paper . Deerfield had its own jail at the time and most of the prisoners were local drunks . I could hear them laughing and making fun of us ; and I was really scared . About that time , Dad walked in . He said something to the effect , " Do you think he 's had enough ? " The policemen nodded , and then he and Dad started laughing . The policeman then said to us : " Let this be a warning . The next time we might have to put you in there with those guys , " as he pointed toward the drunks in their cells . My friendship with James Stills got off to a rough start . When he arrived at Deerfield Elementary School from Tennessee , he immediately became the biggest kid in our class of fifth graders . With his large crop of wavy black hair , brown eyes and enormous hands , he was also an inch or two taller than me and classmate Dewey Bennent , and probably out - weighed us by 10 or 12 pounds . When recess came on his first day at our school , Dewey pulled me aside and suggested that we needed to find out " how tough " the new kid was . Dewey said that he would get on his knees behind James and I should walk over and pretend to " fall " into James so that he would be knocked over Dewey . We did it perfectly , expecting James to get up ready to fight . James got up from the fall , but did not respond to our belligerent attitude . He simply looked at us and our fists poised for a fight and said , " My mother told me not to be fighting . " I was immediately relieved as I 'd already figured out that I didn 't want to fight him anyway , and I didn 't think Dewey did either . It was just our way of sizing him up . I kind of liked the way he handled us , and decided immediately that I wanted to be his friend . So on Friday , I invited him to come to Sunday school and church at First Baptist on Sunday morning at 9 : 30 . Sure enough , he showed up with his mother and his sister , Barbara , who was two years older than him . Thus began a life - long friendship , which continues to this day . We began our friendship as 10 - year - old boys by exploring the swamp near our house just east of Dixie Highway . The swamp was just over the Dixie Highway Bridge north of the Hillsboro River in what is now part of Boca Raton . Boys of Southern heritage at the time were expected to learn how to shoot a gun by around the age of 10 , and I was no exception . Dad and Mother had given me a pellet rifle for my 10th birthday and Dad had taken me down to the swamp to practice . We shot land crabs . They are interesting creatures with blue bodies about four inches in diameter , with eight legs which can carry them quite rapidly when they decide to run . They typically live in swampy areas in holes in the ground , which they dig down a few feet to hide from predators like big birds and 10 - year - old boys . James and I took turns shooting the rifle and watching the crabs explode . One of the books that was required reading in school at the time was The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn . James and I were just the right age to really get into that book . One of the episodes , which thrilled us both a lot , was when Tom and Huck built a raft with a sail and rudder to explore the Mississippi River . With encouragement and help from my parents , James and I built our own raft to sail up and down the Hillsboro River . The main body of the raft was made from bamboo , which at the time was plentiful growing at the edges of the Hillsboro River . We only selected and cut down bamboo shoots that were at least four inches in diameter . We selected about 20 shoots and sawed them into lengths eight feet long . We then strapped them together with aluminum flat bar straps which Dad had provided , to make the raft . A steel plate with a pipe welded on top in the middle supported the mast for the sail . Mother provided a bed sheet sail for the mast , and I built the rudder from ¼ " plate steel in our welding shop . Dad helped us get everything assembled and transported 100 yards or so , down to the Hillsboro River where we launched it . It worked beautifully . We quickly became pretty good sailors . James worked the sail and I worked the rudder . Typically , we would let the tide current take us east , and then put the sail up and let the easterly breeze fill our sail and carry us back to the west . We did it over and over again until we got tired . Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn would have been proud . We had lots of fun . In the fall of 1951 we had a German family move into the two - story house at the end of our block . They had two children , a boy and a girl . The boy was my age and his name was Martin Marback . He had bright red hair , and wore leather pants with white shirts and suspenders . He did not speak much English when we first met , but he was really good at climbing the mango trees with me which were in the grove between our houses . Therefore , our play was mostly limited to climbing trees , gathering the mangos , eating some and putting the others in a box for my mother to give away . I quickly learned that he did not understand hardly anything I said , but would copy me in almost anything I would do . His sister , who was two years older than him , also wore " funny " clothes : typically a white blouse over a red , black and white plaid skirt . She was way overweight , and had long brown pigtails . Whereas her brother Martin was kind of skinny like me . Martin would try to speak some English with me , but I do not remember his sister ever speaking a word . She would simply stand back and watch Martin and me play . We had only been in school a few days when " the fight " happened . About six of us were lined up in front of the water fountain to stand upon a wooden box and get a drink of water . Martin was in front of me . Robert Sloan , a year younger than us , but a few inches taller , was at the end of the line . Suddenly , when Martin started to get his drink in front of me , Robert Sloan jumped out of the line , rushed forward , grabbed Martin by the back of his head pushing his face into the fountain and twisted the fountain handle to keep the water flowing onto Martin 's face as though he was trying to drown him . He also was simultaneously screaming " you 're a dirty Nazi . " Martin started sputtering , lifted his head and tried to get away from Robert and the fountain . Before I could even think about it I grabbed Robert Sloan 's shoulder with my left hand and shoved him backwards away from Martin and the fountain . He responded by hitting me with his right hand to the side of my face . I tackled him and we proceeded to roll around on the floor of the hallway with fists flying . Everyone else was screaming . Within seconds it seems , Ms . Henry , the school principal , was there and grabbed the back of my shirt collar pulling me up and off of Robert . Ms . Henry took us into her office around the corner from the water fountain , and demanded to know why we were fighting . I told her that Robert started it by attacking Martin . She asked him why ? He told her that his father had been a soldier and Germans had killed a lot of his father 's friends . She looked at both of us kindly , but firmly told us that fighting was not allowed . She told us to go to the chair next to her desk and bend over , then she reached for a wooden paddle . She proceeded to spank both of us with about three strong licks . Neither of us cried , but neither did we ever fight again . In 1951 , the Korean War was going on and Seoul , Korea , fell to the communist forces from the north . The 22nd Amendment to the U . S . Constitution , limiting the number of terms a president may serve , was ratified . Julius and Ethel Rosenberg were sentenced to death for treason , having given the Soviet Union our secrets for building atomic bombs . The cost of a first - class stamp was $ 0 . 03 . The NY Yankees defeated the NY Giants in the World Series 4 - 2 . Color television was first introduced in the USA , and the Best Movies were The African Queen and A Streetcar Named Desire , and for most of the year , I was nine years - old . Mr . Williams moved his dairy here from Dade County in 1950 - 51 . He had two sons , Mitchell , who was two years older than me , and Donald , who had the nickname " Peewee , " who was my same age . They were both very athletic , and could ride their own horses at their father 's dairy . Also two other boys , Jimmy Phillips and Jessie Beard , whose fathers worked on the dairy , were in our class , as well as Tommy Gannon , whose father was an electrician and mother was a nurse , had just arrived in town . Tommy and I became good friends as he lived only two blocks away . When summer came and our Baptist church had Vacation Bible School ( VBS ) , he and I were both surprised and confused when his parents told him he could not go to our church for VBS . ( An annual event in the summer where the kids learned stories from the Bible , and got lots of ice cream ) . His mother kindly explained to me that Tommy and their family were Catholics and even though they did not have their own church to go to in Deerfield yet , she didn 't want Tommy to get confused and therefore did not want him to go to VBS at our church . Tommy and I looked at each other in a somewhat confused manner , but quickly acquiesced to her instruction . When I asked my mother about it , she explained that this was normal , that it was good that Tommy 's parents were religious , and that Tommy and I could still be friends . Meanwhile , Miss Hinson ( my mother called her an old maid ) was our teacher in the fourth grade at Deerfield Elementary School . She had previously replaced our third grade teacher , Miss Riggs , in the third grade . Miss Riggs only taught us for a few months , when our principal , Mrs . Henry " fired " her . I was later told that I was the one that had gotten Miss Riggs fired . I didn 't mean to . I only told my mother and father that Miss Riggs was a lot different than Mrs . Slover , our second grade teacher , or even our first grade teacher , Mrs . Hartman . Specifically , Miss Riggs did not have us say the Pledge of Allegiance to the American flag , and she had us singing songs from a country called Russia , which she had said was the best country in the world . My mother later told me that Miss Riggs had been fired because she was a communist . My , how things have changed . Back in the late 1940 's and early 1950 's , when I was a boy of elementary school age , my father Marlin would often take me with him after school as he visited customers . Our machine shop / pump factory was located on Dixie Highway in Deerfield , where the tennis courts are today . In previous Essay No . 13 , I wrote about our good customer , the Butts family in Boca Raton , for whom the Butts road in Boca is named . In Essay No . 14 I also wrote about our Japanese customers in Boca and the Japanese farmers there for whom the Yamato Road and Park is named . However , our largest customer back in those old days was a rancher and farmer west of Deerfield named Cossie Lyons . I believe he was originally from Tennessee . I do know that he owned an enormous amount of land in the northwest part of Broward County and southwest part of Palm Beach County , which is now part of Parkland , Coral Springs , and western Boca Raton . I remember my father telling me once that Cossie 's property , just on the west side of Highway US441 / State road 7 , was approximately six miles long and two miles deep . He raised cattle mostly , but also had large plots of vegetables on parts of it . My dad and Cossie Lyons were good friends . Cossie , in his sixties , treated my father , in his thirties , like a son . In fact , I was there when Cossie offered to give my father 10 acres on the west side of Highway 441 for Dad to build us a new machine shop / factory . Dad , accustomed to walking out the back door of our house on Dixie Highway to go to work in our " shop " next door , turned him down . I remember Dad telling Mr . Lyons : " I don 't want to have to drive that far ( seven miles ) to go to work every day " . Cossie was a single man with no children , and depended a lot upon his nephew , James , to actually run the farm . James , about my dad 's age , always wore a crumpled old brown hat , and had two or three horses which he took turns riding . Dad and Cossie would talk about what needed to be done on the farm , and James would make it happen . Cossie also had a beautiful young secretary / bookkeeper named Alma . In her late twenties , she was taller than Cossie or my father by about six inches . She had long black hair and always dressed up , even in their office . She wore high heels and a fancy hat when she sometimes came to Deerfield 's First Baptist church , where she always sat alone midway down the left aisle . The hat and the heels made her look even taller . One day Cossie confided to Dad that he and Alma were going to get married . When Dad told Mother over our supper table that night , Mother got very upset . I remember her saying that Cossie was way too old to marry that young woman . Dad just smiled . Shortly thereafter Cossie Lyons and Alma were married in a private ceremony and went off on their honeymoon . The next day Dad got a call from Cossie 's nephew , James . He told Dad that Cossie had died from a heart attack on the first night of his honeymoon . Alma , therefore , became a rich young widow within hours of her marriage to Cossie . Alma continued to come to our church occasionally , and was always friendly to my father . The women of the church , however , seemed to keep her at a distance . Within a few years she had sold off Cossie 's land and moved to Gatlinburg , Tennessee . She got married again to another short man and became Mrs . Alma Regan . Together they invested in real estate and helped build Gatlinburg into the huge resort that it is now . She died about 20 years ago , probably with a smile on her face . It was right before school started in 1949 when the big hurricane hit . Back then they had not gotten around to giving hurricanes names like they do now . They simply numbered them in order . The center of Hurricane No . 1 of the 1949 season hit " between Pompano and Palm Beach " about 6 p . m . on August 26 . Winds had to have been over 150 mph when it hit because they were actually measured at 125 mph as the center crossed Sebring , Florida a few hours later . Dad had shuttered up our house and driven the family to Boynton Beach to ride out the storm at my maternal grandparent Horton 's house , next to Boynton 's elementary school . However , as the hurricane approached the coastline , the winds picked up , and Granddad Horton 's wooden frame house started coming apart . There was a large screened porch facing south , which was the first to go . The screens blew out and the roof started tearing off in pieces . My father , Marlin Eller , ordered me , my mother , Lorena , and my sister , Linda , to follow him . He held my little brother , Dwight , in his arms and started toward our car parked in front of the house . But the wind was too strong to stand up , and tree branches and coconuts were flying through the air hitting us . So Dad lay on the ground and started rolling toward the car . We couldn 't hear his specific instructions through the loud howling of the wind , but we just naturally started doing the same thing he was doing and rolled on the ground to the car . He got one door open on the other side of the car and we all crawled in . I remember Dad was shivering and seemed afraid . Mother was crying . Dad started the car , drove a few blocks over to Federal Highway , U . S . 1 , turned left and headed north . I remember him saying that this direction should get us out of the storm . We drove through heavy rains and winds , for what seemed like hours , until we got to a town called Fort Pierce . There , palm trees had fallen across the highway , coconuts and tree branches were flying through the air , and it was impossible to proceed . Dad turned into a gas station and parked , joining dozens of other cars parked there . There we spent the night , in the car , mother especially praying for safety . It came the next morning as the winds died down . We got gas in the car , headed home to Deerfield , working our way around fallen trees and power lines all the way . Granddad 's house in Boynton was essentially destroyed , and had to be rebuilt . Our house in Deerfield , however , with wooden shutters closed , weathered the storm beautifully . The lesson I learned was that you should build your house strong enough to handle any known potential hurricane wind force , and stay home during the storm . Many years later I did that exact thing as I designed and built my own house for 200 mile an hour winds . It cost me about 10 percent more to build , but I 've never worried about it weathering a hurricane , even until today . The next thing I remember about the summer of 1949 was that Dewy Bennett arrived in town . Dewy was my age , eight years old , and would be starting third grade with me in the fall , which meant that I would no longer be the only boy in my class at Deerfield Elementary School . Dewy came to my backyard one day in the summer of 1949 with his cousin Butch Bennet . They started singing a song that was popular on the radio at the time by Hank Williams which went : " Hey … good looking ; what cha ' got cookin ' , how 's about a ' cooking something up with me ! " I went out to meet them as they walked slowly over to the empty lot on the south side of our house , and started picking fruit off our guava tree . Seven - year - old Butch started talking first . He introduced me to his eight - year - old cousin Dewy , who he said had moved into town and would be in the third grade with me soon . Butch went on to say that he 'd told Dewy about me beating him up ( a few weeks ago ) , and that Dewy would settle matters with me . I looked at Dewy and figured he was about my same size . I asked him what he wanted to do . He said that he understood I had beaten up Butch , and would I like to try to beat him ( Dewy ) up . I replied that if Butch would stay out of it , " Sure " ! With that we both went at it . His head went into my belly knocking me backwards as he swung both fists . But I soon got him into a headlock and rolled him over on his back . He pushed me over , and we rolled around in the sandspurs for a few minutes . But once I got my right forearm around his neck with my left hand gripping my right wrist , pulling a hard scissors grip on his neck , I knew I had him . He should have given up , but he refused . We rolled over in the sandspurs a few more times until we were both sweaty , exhausted and out of breathe . Finally one or both of us said , " I 'll stop if you 'll stop . " With that we let go of each other , stood up , and Dewy gave me a great compliment : He said : " You 're a pretty good fighter " . I said : " You are too ! " We shook hands , and becaDavid Eller Deerfield got its first park in 1948 . It was named Pioneer Park and was built just east of our house . There was a narrow rock road , later abandoned , between our backyard and the park . Our house sat where the office for the tennis courts sits today , with the front yard facing west to Dixie Highway and the backyard facing east to a forest of pine trees . The park was built by the local Lions Club , part of the International Service Organization . My father , Marlin Eller , was a very active member of the club , and volunteered to be on the committee to get the park built . The first problem was to get the land . The Kester family of Pompano owned most of the land in Deerfield at the time , including the land on which the Lions Club wanted to build the park . The Kesters also owned the Pompano Farmer 's Bank , the only bank in North Broward County at the time , which provided financing for most of Deerfield 's businesses . My father told me once that Mr . Kester donated the land for Pioneer Park , as well as the land for the cemetery on the north side of First Baptist Church . Anyway , all I knew at age seven was that one day bulldozers started pushing down the trees and clearing the land . I was very unhappy because those woods were my backyard playground . I practiced hiding behind trees and shooting at imaginary enemies in those woods . I could chase butterflies , or hide from my sister in those woods . Now the trees were being knocked over , pushed into piles , and set on fire . I cried . Dad and Mother tried to reassure me that it would be better . They ( the adults ) were going to build a ballpark on that land . I pouted . Dad tried to get me into the excitement about having a new ballpark right next to our house . He suggested I help him and the other men to plant the grass for the park ( back in those days there were no sod farms and grass was planted as individual twigs in the ground a few inches apart ) . So I rather reluctantly joined my dad and the other men in his Lion 's Club to plant grass for the new park . However , the club also wanted to have big lights at the park to operate at night games on the top of high poles . My dad was in charge of raising the money for those poles and lights . Apparently it was hard to raise the money . I remember Dad complaining a lot , but he eventually got the money and poles donated , and Pioneer Park became a reality . Dad and Mother were both very happy . Times were different then in many ways . In retrospect , I think the biggest thing was that people did not have television to take up so much of their time . Therefore , at nighttime after work , people provided their own entertainment , and neighbors socialized with each other extensively . The new ballpark quickly became the center of that activity . Since Deerfield had a new ballpark , they needed a ball team to play at the ballpark . So the Lions Club stepped forward again and organized a softball team , complete with matching uniforms . It consisted of 12 players and a coach . There were five farmers , a sheriff 's deputy , a plumber , an electrician , a gas station owner , a railroad station manager , and a couple of small business owners . My father didn 't actually play ball , but he got very involved in the organizational part of the sport . In fact , he was appointed as the Soft Ball Commissioner for South Florida and served several years in that position . Our whole family typically went to watch the games . Unbeknown to me at the time , the ballpark experiences would affect my whole life , including up until today . 1948 was a pretty good year , and I had learned to read by then . My parents had both voted for Harry Truman for President , which made them happy when he won . Right after the election my brother Dwight was born , and I started my life 's journey as a middle child . My parents were also glad when the country of Israel , where Jesus lived , was re - established . Dad , who read the Bible a lot , said this was very important because it had been predicted in the Bible , and was something that had to happen before Jesus could come back . He was also worried about a city in Germany named Berlin , which was being surrounded by the Russians and not allowing people in or out . He was happy when our government started flying airplanes in to bring the people food . Dad bought a PolaroidTM camera that year which had just come out , but he complained about the film costing so much . My mother always wanted to see the movies which won the awards each year , so she took us to the theatre in Fort Lauderdale to see Hamlet which had won the best movie award , with a man named Lawrence Olivier , who also had won the award for best actor as the star . I believe Dad went with us to see the movie Johnny Belinda , because he always liked Jane Wyman who had won the award for best actress . When I started second grade at Deerfield Elementary School in 1948 I was again the only boy , although one more girl had moved into town , making the ratio six to one . Badly out numbered in my own class , I tried to make friends with other boys , specifically brothers George Bigler in the third grade , and his brother Jeff in first grade . Their mother was the school cook . They actually lived in Boca Raton , but the boys attended Deerfield Elementary because their mother worked there . They were both fun to play with at first , and excelled at climbing up palm trees . But eventually the younger brother Jeff started poking at me for no reason that I can remember . He apparently thought it was cute to come up behind me and kick me during recess . When I tried to catch him to reciprocate in kind he would run to his brother , or into the school kitchen area for his mother 's protection . main building when Jeff snuck up and kicked me from behind . I had been watching for him , and spun around quickly and caught him by his ankle before he could get away . I jumped on his back as he lay on the grass and tried to get his left arm up to where I could twist it and make him promise to leave me alone . I was on my knees with both eyes shut , trying to cover my face , when I heard an even heavier running sound coming toward us with a guttural scream , which sounded quite familiar . I opened one eye and caught the image of my 10 - year - old , fifth grade sister , Linda , ( who incidentally looked a lot like Lucy in the Peanut cartoons ) flying through the air horizontally in a counter attack against both boys . I didn 't have to do anything as she proceeded to beat the tar out of both of the Bigler boys . I never had a problem with either of the boys after that , and I gained a respect for my sister , which continues to this day . In fact , don 't try me . She 's still lives only two hours away . In the last essay I shared how I was the only boy in the first grade at Deerfield Elementary School in school years 1947 - 1948 . I shared the class with five girls . For some reason I thought that was normal . I know I liked it . The girls all seemed to like me for some reason . They taught me how to play a game called " jacks " . It consisted of sitting in a circle on the floor in the hallway during recess with a small rubber ball and a bunch of metal things called jacks . To play you would take 10 jacks and toss them on the terrazzo floor so as not to scatter them too far apart . Then the first player would pitch the ball up in the air slightly with one hand , and immediately sweep up one jack being careful not to touch any of the other jacks . The ball would bounce once during this pr ocess , and you had to catch it before it bounced twice while simultaneously holding the jack you 'd just swept up . You would put that jack back into the box and repeat the process sweeping up two jacks , this time being careful not to touch any of the other jacks on the floor . If you were successful you would continue sweeping up three jacks the next time , and the final four jacks after that . However , you would lose immediately if at any time you did not catch the ball , or if you touched any extra jack during the process . The loser would then pass the ball and the jacks to the next player , and the game would continue until someone won by picking up all the jacks in proper order without dropping the ball . The girls already knew the game , as they apparently had been playing it at home before starting first grade . All my preschool games had been with my friend Elmo ( see previous essay ) and we only played boy games like marbles , catching frogs and climbing trees . Therefore I must have appeared clumsy to the girls , as I specifically remember them laughing at me at first as I struggled to pick up the jacks and catch the bouncing rubber ball . However , I eventually got the hang of it and was able to beat all of the girls some of the time and most of the girls all of the time ; but I never achieved beating all of the girls all of the time ! One of the girls , Lynda Dame , apparently liked me a lot . She would show her affection by walking up during recess , punching me in the belly or on the arm , and then running away laughing . I 'd always been told by my parents that boys did not hit girls . Therefore Lynda was safe from me responding in kind . However , one day my mother noticed a bruise on me , and asked how I had gotten it . I told her it was from Lynda hitting me at school . Mother looked a little angry . She asked me if there was a reason for her to hit me . I told her no , that she just did it for no reason . Mother then gave me what I thought was a direct order . She told me the next time she hits you , David , you hit her back . I took that literally . Sure enough the next day during recess , Lynda slipped up on me and hit me hard . I remembered my mother 's instructions and started chasing her . As I caught up to her I knew I had to be careful to hit her in the right place , her back . I caught her , spun her around to get a good shot , and hit her with my left fist squarely in the back with all of my might ! She went down crying . I walked away proudly thinking , " I did it just like Mother said to do . I hit her right in the back " ! Lynda never hit me again , and we eventually became great friends . The first thing I noticed different in the summer of 1947 , at age 5 ½ , was that my mother started buying me some new clothes . We lived on Dixie Highway where the tennis courts are now , and the nearest clothing store , " Parman 's " was only three blocks further south on Dixie . We would walk there . The pants she bought me were all light brown khakis with turned - up cuffs on the bottom . I didn 't particularly like the cuffs because sand , sand spurs , and other debris would collect inside the cuff as I played outside . This would get me in trouble with my mom when the sand ended up in the house on the floor . She also bought me a bunch of short sleeve plaid shirts . Every weekday for years I was destined to wear a plaid shirt with khaki pants to school . It was not a requirement of the school ; it was just the way Mom liked to dress me . Today you will not find a plaid shirt or khaki pants in my closet . My best friend was Elmo . His mother worked for my mother helping her to clean the house , and wash our clothes . Elmo and I mostly played marbles in a patch of gray sand next to the steps in the backyard . Sometimes we also played hide and seek , but Elmo didn 't stand a chance since my dog " Brownie " would always help me find him . During mango season , at the beginning of summer , we would climb the trees in our backyard , and stuff ourselves with mangos . What we didn 't eat , we 'd put in a paste board box for Elmo 's mother to take and share with their neighbors . Elmo was my friend , and we were the same age . However , one day Mother explained that I would be starting school soon , and Elmo would be going to his school . " Can I go to his school too " I remember asking ? " No " she tried to explain , " Elmo has to go to his school , and you have to go to your school " . " Why " ? I cried . " That 's just the way it is David ! " she replied . So it was , back then . The first day of school came , and I was up early . Mother wanted me to take a bath before getting ready for school . After the bath I put on my khaki pants and plaid shirt and was ready for an inspection . I remember Mom looking behind my ears for some reason , and then declaring that there was dirt behind my ears . She grabbed a wet wash cloth , dipped it on the soap , and vigorously started rubbing . I thought my ear was going to come off before she got satisfied and declared me clean enough to go to school . My seven - year - old - sister left early for school to meet friends there , so I had to walk the approximate five blocks by myself . I started out from the back yard to walk one block south and then four blocks east to the school . Just as I walked out the back yard I heard Elmo 's mother , who had just arrived without Elmo , say to my mother : " Are you going to dye today ? " I heard mother say " Yes ! " I continued to walk for a few minutes , simultaneously thinking about what I had just heard . Mother is going to die today , I thought . I knew she had told me she was going to miss having me home with her . But could she actually miss me so much that she would die ? Suddenly I felt nauseous . Mother is going to die because she 's going to miss me so much ! I don 't want to go to school if it causes my mother to die , I thought . Suddenly I turned around and started running back home . I ran as fast as I could . When I reached the back door I swung it open and rushed in to find Mother . There she was standing next to the washing machine with a box of blue powder in her hand . I rushed to her and started hugging her crying " Please don 't die . Please don 't die ! " Mother started laughing . " David " she said , " I 'm sorry we must have scared you about this dyeing business . I 'm not going to be dyeing like you 're thinking ; I 'm only going to be dyeing some sheets and pillow cases to make them blue today . " Greatly relieved , I rubbed my eyes , pulled myself back together and headed off for school . This time I ran all the way without stopping . I knew my teacher was going to be Mrs . Henry , and that she was also called principal . When I got to the class room , which was next to her office , there were five girls my age there . I already knew three of them from church : Lynda Dame , Janice Brown and Mildred Gordan . However , I was the only boy in my first grade class . That 's how small Deerfield was in 1947 . |
This unique story is in the words of a young girl who is living it . It should be read by all family members , educators , physicians , counselors , and other acquaintances of visually impaired children and teens . It should be read especially by those who are living in Kimber 's world of low vision . They may see a little of themselves in it and will hopefully gain comfort in knowing they 're in good company . I was eleven years old and in sixth grade . Mom picked me up from school to take me to the eye doctor , because I was having difficulty seeing the board and reading my books . Finally , I thought , we would figure out what was wrong . I had been having eyesight problems for as long as I could remember , but my vision was definitely getting worse . The eye doctor wasn 't very nice . After the examination , he told Mom I was playing games . He said I was just being lazy , and that there was nothing wrong with me a good psychiatrist couldn 't fix . I was devastated . I was even more devastated when it became apparent that Mom believed him over me . For the next three months , I was punished for not being able to see things . My parents said acting like that was I went to my guidance counselor at school . We researched ways vision could be affected by diet , stress , and other psychological issues . I brought my findings home to my parents to show them the doctor was wrong . My persistence paid off . Mom made another eye appointment for me with another doctor . This one was very nice . He took his time , and after the examination , said " You 're not crazy . Something is wrong . I 'm not sure what it is , but I can assure you that you 're not crazy . I want to send you to a specialist . " I was so relieved to have someone believe me , I really didn 't stop to think about what could be wrong with my eyes . I was also angry with my mother for not believing me . I told her she needed to apologize to me . Five years later , she still is . The elevator ride was very quiet . The expression on Mom 's face was one that I had never seen before . I saw fear , anger , and love all at once . The ride home seemed long , because she didn 't speak . Later , she said that was because of the lump in her throat . The specialist 's office was three hours away . A snow storm was moving in , so Dad decided to drive us into town the night before . We arrived at the motel , and that 's when the fear of blindness really hit me for the first time . I was truly scared of the unknown , and I knew my parents were afraid , too . So we played some games to pass the time . The appointment with the retinal specialist couldn 't come fast enough . He did a series of tests and then sat down with us . He said I was legally blind , which meant my vision was worse than 20 / 200 . Still , he said , I should be able to live a normal life with the exception of not being able to drive or join the military . He said I had Stargardt disease , a juvenile form of macular degeneration that might eventually take away all of my central vision . He explained there wasn 't yet any cure or treatment , but some good research was being done . Meanwhile , I would have to make some modifications in order to do certain things . I could tell that Dad was worried , but he was trying to be strong . I saw a tear roll down Mom 's cheek . It was then I realized how serious this was . The specialist gave us his home phone number in case we thought of any other questions or had any other concerns . I took Mom 's face in my hands and told her I wanted to stare at her so I wouldn 't forget what she looked like when my eyes got worse . Trying to hold back her tears , she held me and told me everything was going to be all right . I wondered who she was trying to convince : herself or me . Life for all of us changed that day . By the way , I went back to the first doctor and told him he was wrong . I suggested maybe he needed to think about how he made me feel , and maybe he should become better educated so he won 't do that to some other kid . He apologized , but it meant nothing to me . What he did was unforgivable . It was a time of adjustment for our whole family . Mom became very depressed and obsessed with trying to fix things . Later , she told me one of the jobs of a mother is to make all the bad things go away for her children . She is supposed to make everything all better . She felt at the time that life wasn 't dealing me a good hand , but she kept her faith in God and her faith in me . She truly believes there 's a special reason God chose me to have Stargardt disease . We may never figure out why or for what , but we know there is a reason . Mom felt like it was her fault at first . She thought she must have done something wrong , and her guilt nearly got the best of her . She became ill from depression that lasted several months . I kept telling her I was all right , but it didn 't seem to help . Eventually , though , she started putting one foot in front of the other and became my strongest support system . She is still sometimes way too protective , but I know it 's because she loves me so much . We have a strong bond . She 's my mother first , but she 's also my best friend and my role model . I don 't blame her for anything . I 'm very proud of the way she was able to take charge and advocate for me . She has taught me that , with hard work , dreams can and do come true . I know I wouldn 't be who I am without her strength . The first thing Mom did was notify the school and make an appointment to see a low vision specialist . She spent hour after hour , day after day , week after week , on the Internet researching Stargardt disease . My older siblings started to resent the time she was spending with me , for me , and about me . I didn 't want the attention . I just wanted to be normal . And when Mom was sick , my father was the one who kept our family going . Dad is a kind , responsible , hardworking man , but he is , oh , so very strict . He never allowed me to come up with a good enough excuse as to why I couldn 't do something because of my visual impairment . And trust me , there were times I tried . Whenever I said , " I can 't . " he would say , " Yes , you can , and you will . " One time he asked me to wash the dinner dishes . I told him I couldn 't , because I couldn 't see if they were clean . Well , he spent the next two and half hours lecturing me . He said I could feel if they were clean , that I didn 't need my eyes to do it . He told me that , when I go out on my own , there won 't always be someone there to do things for me , so I had better figure it out , and that until I did figure it out , I could forget about any privileges . I thought he was mean and didn 't care . Now I know he was only trying to make me as independent as possible . Before I was old enough to hunt legally , Dad would take me out in the woods with him to teach me gun safety . I loved to walk in the woods and see nature at its amazing best . In Pennsylvania , you have to be twelve years old to hunt , and by the time I reached that age , I had already lost some vision . I wanted to go so badly . I couldn 't let my low vision stop me . It was fall , and hunting season was just around the corner . I couldn 't wait for Dad to take me to get my license . I presented my hunters ' safety card at the store to show I had passed the course . The man selling the licenses looked like he was going to faint when my dad told him I would need a little help filling out the forms because I was visually impaired . I can only imagine what that man must have been thinking . I smiled at him and told him not to worry . I would be hunting only on our property . That week , Dad and I did some target practicing and sighting with our guns . We always had a little contest before the season actually started . My older brother , my older sister , Dad , and I would target practice to see who had the best aim . The winner would be taken out for a banana split at the expense of the others . My brother went first , then my sister , then Dad . Finally it was my turn . The target was a hundred yards away . I looked through the scope , aimed , and exhaled . I pulled the trigger and won the banana split by hitting the tack dead center of the bulls - eye ! At 4 : 00 A . M . on the first day of hunting season , Mom made us all a big breakfast , and we went out to the tree stand . Mom doesn 't hunt , because Dad says she can 't keep quiet and be still . He said one year he took her hunting and told her to wait under the apple tree . When he came back to check on her , she was singing and snapping twigs off the branches . She stays home now . Anyway , since it was my first year , I stayed by Dad . Shortly after the sun rose , he saw a buck . He told me to get ready , and he pointed in the direction the buck was coming from . I found the animal in my scope . He was broadside , which makes for an easy shot . I aimed , exhaled and pulled the trigger . The buck went down , and I jumped with excitement . Dad hugged and hugged me . It was an eight point buck - a whole lot better prize than a banana split . That 's the only deer I ever shot . I still go out hunting with Dad every year , but I no longer carry a rifle . Instead , I walk through the pines to see if I can flush anything out . I love the outdoors , and especially the memories we make . Mom has a different way of caring . In many ways she has tried to protect me from the cruelties of the world . Sometimes that 's not bad , but she 's extreme . When I would want to go to a school dance , for example , she would make sure the people I was going with knew I had Stargardt disease . It didn 't matter that I didn 't want everyone to know . Many arguments spawned because of this . Over and over , I tried to make her understand it was my decision who knew and who didn 't need to know . She would try to make me understand it was my safety she was concerned with . This still comes up for debate at times , but I believe I 'm gradually prevailing . As I 'm getting older , I understand her protectiveness . I still don 't always like it , but I don 't think that has as much to do with my vision as it does my age . Mom has literally put her life on hold to make sure I succeed . Her sacrifices are too numerous to mention . She has gone without in order to provide me with expensive assistive technology . She has changed careers to be more available for my education . She tells me I am her strength and inspiration for whatever this world has in store . She tells me my courage is the reason she fights for what she believes in . In truth , though , she is my strength , my inspiration and my courage . I can 't help but think my situation caused resentment in my older siblings . The time and dedication my parents invested in me was time and dedication they went without . I have three older sisters . The oldest experimented with drugs . The next oldest became a teenage mother . If my parents didn 't have to spend so much time with my problem , maybe none of that would have happened . The third oldest caused all sorts of chaos in our house when she was a teenager , which I think was her way of trying to get attention from my parents . She is now a responsible mother and a good friend who finally understands that our parents were doing what they thought to be best at the time . She and I are very close now . I also have an older brother who moved out when he was a teenager . He said he felt like he was in the way , which I think was just an excuse . He tried to play on our mother 's sympathies , and probably would have come up with any reason he could to leave . Still , to this day he doesn 't truly understand what I go through , nor does he seem to want to . My younger brother is a gift from God . One time , kids were teasing me at his baseball field , because I couldn 't find a ball that flew over the fence . They were telling me where it was , but I just couldn 't see it . One of them said , " What is your problem ? Are you blind or something ? " My brother flipped out and came right to my defense . He made that boy feel awful and got him to apologize to me . My family has become my security net . I know I can go to them with anything , and they will be there for me . I know if it wasn 't for the love and support of my parents , I would not be where I am today . I 'm grateful and blessed to have them . Children naturally want to fit in . They want to be popular , and they want acceptance . Stargardt disease doesn 't change that . There was a time in my life , though , that I thought fitting in was going to be impossible . I felt alone . I was afraid . I was very insecure . I just wanted to be normal . Mom asked me for my definition of normal . Rolling my eyes wearily , I said she knew what I meant : I just wanted to see like everyone else . She sat with me and told me I could , but I just needed to see in different ways . I don 't have very many friends my age . For the most part , I was tormented in school . I would be teased if I used my magnifiers , so most of the time , I chose not to . My peers had a hard time understanding that I sometimes had to do things differently . I tried to explain that I couldn 't recognize faces and they had to speak to me first so I would know who they were . Still , many thought I was stuck up or mad at them , because I didn 't notice them somewhere . Most people I associate with are older than me , but that 's my choice . When I was first diagnosed , my guidance counselor made me stand in front of the class to explain what I could and couldn 't see , and why . I didn 't want to do it . I didn 't want to be treated any different . That was one of my biggest fears , because there was a boy in my class who had retinitis pigmentosa ( like tunnel vision ) , and everyone picked on him and was very mean to him . Well mostly everyone . I never did . I tried to help him , and I found myself feeling bad for him . I certainly didn 't want anyone to pick on me or to pity me . I told my classmates that no matter what , I was still the same person inside . That was sort of my plea to them that our friendship shouldn 't change , just because my eyesight did . For the most part , people did treat me differently . My classmates stopped inviting me over for birthday parties and sleepovers . The friends I made when I twirled baton seemed to move on without me . I had to give up playing baseball , because I couldn 't see the ball anymore . My coach had tears in his eyes the day I told him I could no longer play . I was the only girl on the team , and he always boasted to others that I was his girl . He offered me the job of " bat girl , " but I told him it bothered me too much to attend the games and not play . After that I tried basketball . I went to all the practices , and I was really good . I wasn 't the best player on the team , but I was good . However , disappointment came again when my coach wouldn 't play me in the games , because she thought I would get hurt . So there I was , a bench warmer being reminded of yet another thing I couldn 't do because of low vision . School dances were another issue . Mom always feared that the boys would shy away from me because of my condition , but that didn 't happen . I had plenty of opportunities to go to the dances with a date . At first , I was still able to recognize faces , but when my eyes got worse , it became difficult . I feared I would go up to someone thinking they were someone else and make a fool out of myself . I stopped going to dances for a while because of that . Then I figured out I needed to start being more open about my needs . I should tell my date to not leave me standing alone without letting me know who was around me . And if I needed to use the restroom , I should ask him to wait outside or ask him to stay in the same place until I got back . I started realizing that , if I wanted popularity , I had to find it in a different way than most . I told my friend , the one with retinitis pigmentosa , that we needed to stick together . We would get a laugh now and then , because he could see centrally just fine , and I could see peripherally pretty well . So when we looked at something , he would tell me what he saw , I would tell him what I saw , and we would put it together . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him , though , because he didn 't have the kind of family support I had . All they seemed to care about was getting a disability check from the government . They never came to school meetings , and they never tried to get him any help . My parents offered to pay for both of us to attend a camp for the visually impaired , but his parents wouldn 't let him go . I think that was when I finally realized how wonderful my parents are and how lucky I am to have them . We provided each teacher with a set of simulator glasses and asked them to read from the marker board . They couldn 't . We asked them to read from a book . They couldn 't . We asked them to pour liquid from one container to another . Most couldn 't . We explained that I would need larger print and that the print should be non sherif ( no fancy squiggles , like Times font ) . We told them things like I couldn 't recognize colors , and that it would be cruel to give me an assignment requiring me to follow lines like longitude and latitude on a map . Our time and preparation for this demonstration was wasted . Over the next three years , I learned that ignorance , cruelty and discrimination exist at all ages . Most of the teachers refused to provide the accommodations I needed . It took the district nine months to provide me with an electronic magnifier . That 's a desktop monitor you can put printed materials under to enlarge the words and pictures . Then my science teacher refused to let me use it , because he didn 't want to be responsible for it in his classroom . My math teacher gave me what he called " fun sheets , " which were practice worksheets in eight - point font ( not much larger than in a phone book ) . He ridiculed me in front of my peers with comments like , " What 's the matter ? Ray Charles can do it , so why can 't you ? " He gave me a ruler to measure things , and when I said I couldn 't see what I was measuring , he told me to just do my best . Of course , he said , I would have to take a zero . I was dismissed from the cheerleading squad . In cheerleading practice I was always one of the flyers , and I simply asked if I could be the flyer at the next game . The captain of the squad told me the coach said I was not allowed to fly , due to my visual impairment . I was mortified . For one , the coach had no business discussing my visual impairment with a student . Secondly , I had provided documentation from my retinal specialist that I would be able to participate without any limitations . And thirdly , I was the best flyer on the squad . I ran to the restroom so no one would see how upset I was . I just wanted to hide . The girls on my squad wouldn 't leave me alone . They kept telling me I needed to understand . I definitely understood . I understood they were just as discriminative as my coach . I understood how ignorant and cruel people can be . I understood that I was not going to let this go without a fight . I protested and attempted to advocate for myself through the superintendent 's office , but it was an exercise in futility . I was kicked off the squad . My parents did everything in their power to get the district to comply with my educational needs . They set up meetings in between my regular individualized education program ( IEP ) . They brought in experts to talk to the district . They provided documentation from my doctors . They spoke to my teachers individually and provided them with examples of proper assignment formats . Mom spent hour after hour reading textbooks and novels to me or recording them on tape so I would be able to learn . My low vision specialist provided a letter to the principal explaining that I should be allowed to wear sunglasses , hats , or visors in the school to reduce glare . The principal stopped me in the hall and removed my hat . He told me in front of everyone that I had detention for not complying with the school dress code . One of my science teachers required the students to place their assignments in a class folder on her desk . Each class had its own folder , and the label was the only distinction between them . I asked the teacher if she could use a different colored folder for our class so I could tell ours apart . She said she wasn 't going to do that . She said her system had been working for years , so why change it now . I received several zeroes for misplaced work . Mom asked my older sister to take my assignments to the science classroom before school started to make sure they were put in the correct folder . The teacher told her to leave the room , but she decided to try and plead my case . For that , she received an after school detention . Another teacher told me if I could apply make up so perfectly , I ought to be able to read my text book . He told me I was just lazy and making excuses for not completing class work . I tried to tell him I had a magnifier mirror , but he wouldn 't listen . I can 't count the times I had to leave a class so others wouldn 't see me cry . I can 't count the times the teachers stood back and did nothing when the other kids would tease me about my vision . I can 't count the times I called my mother to come to the school . I always tried to remain calm and explain why I couldn 't see what the teachers wanted me to . I tried to explain how I needed things to be , but I felt so defeated . I thought I would never graduate , and I wondered if life was always going to be this tough . I would beg Mom in the mornings to not send me to school . I would cry that she didn 't understand how horrible it was there . I didn 't know it then , but Mom had been documenting every time she went to the school . She had been keeping a log , noting whom she spoke to , the date , and what the conversation was about . She had been recording all the meetings with the school board , superintendent , teachers and other school officials , all the phone calls , how long it took the district to provide assistive technology , every time I would come home from school crying , and why . My parents set up another meeting . About twenty school officials were in the conference room . Twenty of them and three of us . I could see the rage in my mother 's face , as she laid out piles of teacher 's assignments that were not in compliance with my IEP . Still , she remained calm , as she made it clear that she had done her homework on the legalities of the district obligations to provide me with an appropriate education . Dad told them it was apparent there wasn 't a place in that school district for a child with a disability . Mom gave them warning that she had been in contact with an attorney , and that we had every intention of filing a lawsuit . I saw my parents in a new light that day . They became my heroes . It took a year , but the lawsuit ended in a settlement . During that year the district provided me with a teacher at my house . My grades improved , and so did my confidence . I do miss a few kids , but I don 't miss anything else about attending public school . Now I complete my assignments over the computer . I 'm still a student in my school district , but I do all my work at home . I have a wonderful vision teacher who comes to my house to teach me Braille and mobility skills . Completing assignments over the computer is hard , but I can work at my own pace , modify things when needed , and use my equipment without being afraid of someone making fun of me . The district has agreed that , if I complete the required courses , they will allow me to graduate a year early . They probably can 't wait to get rid of me . A year ago I wouldn 't have gone anywhere with a white cane . I don 't need it around home , but I 'm finding it easier when I use it in unfamiliar territory . I was embarrassed at first , but not anymore . I like the idea of a little independence , and if that darned white cane gives it to me , well then , who cares what others think ? I 've decided I don 't want to have to rely on other people all the time , and I really don 't need to . It 's the little things I can do that make me feel good . For instance , the other day my vision teacher went with me to my bank , and I filled out my own deposit slip . I used the ATM without help . I used to worry about little things like that , and now I 'm wondering why . I think I 'll be able to manage most things life is going to throw at me . My teacher says it 's a sign of maturity . She has also complimented me for being her first visually impaired student to go to college . I may be sounding self - important , but I just want kids who are visually impaired to know they 'll be all right if they can take advantage of the opportunities . I take advantage of my Braille classes now . I take advantage of the time my teacher wants to spend showing me how to walk with my cane , I take advantage of audio book services . There is so much help out there , a person with visual impairment would be crazy to not try to learn something that will help them be more independent and more safe . And whoever cares for and teaches kids like me should be ashamed of themselves if they don 't take the trouble to find out what 's out there . Sure , it bothers me that I can 't see very well , but I know I 'm going to be all right , because I have people who care . I have known since I was eleven I would not be allowed to drive . It didn 't bother me too much then , and I really didn 't think about it . The days before I turned sixteen , though , were a different story . I was angry and sad at the same time . I cried and asked why this horrible condition had to be part of me . When I turned sixteen , not being able to drive hit me hard , even though Mom always told me I can 't throw a pity party that lasts more than one day . My parents bought me a go cart and an ATV a few years back . We live in the country , where they let me drive on old abandoned dirt roads and in the fields . One day , Mom , Dad , and I went ATV riding with my aunt and uncle . My ATV was not as powerful as my dad 's and uncle 's . Mom saw that I was having difficulty keeping up and trying to see which direction everyone else was heading . She decided to ride with me , which must have boosted my confidence , because I drove faster . She kept telling me to slow down , but I didn 't listen . She screamed that we were heading for a ditch , but I couldn 't stop , and we went airborne . Our ATV rolled at least three times , and we were both thrown off . My uncle had to flip his machine to avoid us , as we tumbled down the road . My aunt broke her ankle , and Mom and I had " road rash " all over our bodies . It was a hard lesson , but it taught me I had no right to put myself or others in that kind of danger again . I 've thought long and hard about how I 'll be able to get from one place to another without a driver 's license . I 've come up with two solutions : a horse and cart or a moped . My retinal specialist says if I go slow and stay on roads less traveled , I should be fine . I wouldn 't be able to drive in the city , but it would give me a little independence . This is just one of the many ways I 'm having to learn to adapt . It was Mother 's Day , and I wanted to do something special . I woke up in the morning and took off to the upper fields above our pasture . I love to sit there and feel the breeze and the warmth of the sun . I took some paper and a pen , thinking I would make Mom a card or write her a letter saying how much I love her . I also took my new minocular with me . That 's like a miniature telescope . Mom bought it for me , but I never liked to use it in school , because kids would tease me . We live in bear and bobcat country , though , so I wanted to take it with me in case I heard a noise in the woods . And I did . I thought it was farther away than it actually was , though . I started scanning with my minocular , but I couldn 't locate the sound . Shrugging it off , I went on trying to be creative . I heard the noise again , but this time it was closer . Again , I used my minocular , and this time , I saw it . A litter of gorgeous baby fox playing just a few feet from me ! I watched for awhile and then tore off down the path to my house . I wanted to share this with my family . We quickly gathered a picnic lunch , hurried back to the spot , and ended up staying the whole day . I thanked Mom for buying the minocular , and I apologized for giving her a hard time before about using it . " Who would have thought , " I said , " that on Mother 's Day , my mother would have given me the best gift ever ? It 's supposed to be the other way around . " Mom and I have had wonderful times thinking of ways to accommodate and adapt so I can be more independent . Simple things like how to tell the difference between the shampoo and conditioner bottles . No problem : we put a rubber band around the shampoo bottle . I have learned to stay organized . It saves a lot of time and hassle . I used to rebel and never clean my room . That is , until Mom said enough was enough and let me fend for myself finding my clothes and jewelry . At first I thought she was being mean , but I now know she was just teaching me the skills I would need to become independent . I organize my school classes in separate binders labeled in Braille . Everything has its place in our kitchen , and I have a few items that help me cook , like a talking timer and a liquid level indicator . I have also learned how to advocate for myself when necessary . I have learned that I can accomplish more by keeping a polite , but firm , voice , by being direct , and by being informative . This was the hardest change for me , but I have had two wonderful parent role models to help me along . They have taught me not to be afraid or ashamed to ask for help , but only if I really need it . A few years ago , I started thinking about what I wanted to do when I grew up . I knew I wanted to be successful , and I knew I wanted to be known for something . I felt like I had to prove to people that I was " normal . " Looking back , though , I think I really had to prove it to myself . That 's where horses came in . Ever since I can remember I have had a passion for the equestrian life . When I was little , Mom took me to local farms and enrolled me in riding lessons . I could ride , even blindfolded . I could feel the horse collect under me . I could feel the looseness of the reins and when the horse drove into the bit . I knew I could do this , and I didn 't need my eyes . And I think it might be my visual impairment that has made me a better rider . I rely on how the horse feels to me under the saddle . I feel his shoulder lift , telling me it 's a good time to transition into a canter . I feel his back rise ever so slightly , letting me know he is collected and balanced . It wasn 't long before I was begging for a horse of my own ; and this time begging paid off . Mom and I walked my new horse eleven miles to our house . He was a beautiful bay Arabian gelding they said was too hot to ride . I named him Storm , and I was determined to make him my own . Mom found a wonderful riding instructor who took the time to listen and understand about my visual impairment . Sometimes she would blindfold herself before asking me to do something with Storm . I practiced and practiced , and I couldn 't get enough . I 've tried so many times to explain the feeling that I get when I ride . Storm accepts me for myself , no questions asked . He 's freedom , independence , security , pride , a best friend , and a sense of accomplishment , all wrapped into one . Storm and I worked hard with the intentions of someday entering a competition ring . I knew I could do it . He could be my eyes , and I could feel what he needed from me to succeed . Whenever I felt a little blue about my eye condition I would go to the barn . Storm always made me feel better . He needed me just as much as I needed him . Together , we developed ways to let each other know what we needed to make our ride successful . I learned to feel his body collect beneath the saddle and how the reins felt when his head set properly . I learned by feel and by the way his mane swayed what lead he was going to pick up . We were on our way to being a force to be reckoned with ! My riding instructor talked to me about riding in 4H classes . She told me I would be eligible for therapeutic classes because of my vision , but she thought I could also compete in the regular ones . I chose the regular classes , because I didn 't want to take a trophy away from someone who may have a worse disability than mine . My first show was just a walk trot event at the county level , but I was still nervous . We entered the ring to the right at a strong trot . I knew the judge should be somewhere in the center of the arena . I couldn 't see him , but I listened . Storm and I did everything we were told and then lined up at the end of the ring to wait for the judge to place us . " First place to rider number 837 and Keystone Storm . " When I heard that , I couldn 't stop smiling . My first horse , my first blue ribbon ! It was easy for me to find Mom in the stands , because I could hear her cheering . It was a day I 'll never forget , and I knew horses would be in my life forever . Since that show , I have competed in many others in Pennsylvania and New York . One of the most memorable was at the State Fair . Storm and I practiced and practiced . I had to count his strides so I would know where I was at in the ring . It was Storm and me again with many other competitors . The ring seemed crowded , but Storm knew what needed to be done . I could hear Mom cheer each time we passed her . Then it was time for us to maneuver a pattern of cones placed throughout the arena . I memorized the pattern beforehand and knew just how many steps Storm would have to take . The judge called my number , and I took a deep breath . We nailed it . I was so proud waiting in the line up , I didn 't even care what place we would get . And it was another blue ribbon ! The patterns are very difficult to complete . It took many hours to figure out the strides and steps , and each arena and pattern are different . I wanted to quit competing in those classes , but Mom wouldn 't let me . She contacted the different shows and asked if they would allow any accommodations , such as a receiver , or if I could walk the pattern before the event . Some were willing to accommodate , while others felt it may be perceived as cheating . I have had many rewards and successes with Storm and other horses I have since acquired . At age sixteen , I own my own ranch , where I provide beginner lessons for children . I offer the service of breaking and training horses , and I have been asked to assess other horses . Storm and I have placed top ten in the state of Pennsylvania , and I have earned enough points with another gelding to go on to the national level . I have found something I love to do and am really good at , despite my condition . For years , I did my best to hide my visual impairment . I didn 't want people to know , because I didn 't want anyone to make fun of me or think differently of me . And I especially didn 't want their pity . But I 've changed . And I think I 've changed , because I 've learned that , if I want to be successful , I shouldn 't worry so much about what someone else may think . I know I 'm a good person . I know my visual impairment isn 't my fault . And I know what I want in life . I want to be a trainer / breeder , an equine massage therapist , a national competitor , and I want to provide artificial insemination services . I plan on expanding my ranch by offering things like boarding , training , camps for inner city youth and children with disabilities , rodeos , and carriage and sleigh rides . And I know that , to accomplish all of this , I can 't hide my impairment . While I was at my second State Fair show in 2008 , I decided to use my white cane in public . I knew if I wanted to get around on my own , I would have to . Mom had sewn an inside pocket into my riding jacket for my folding cane . I thought it might be fun to see what others might think if I dismounted after my riding class event and took it out to walk Storm back to the stables . On the other hand , it might backfire on me , but that was a chance I was willing to take . It was an exciting show . I think it 's the biggest one in the state , and I 've been told it 's an honor just to make it to that level . The type of seat I ride with Storm is called saddleseat . I know he really doesn 't stand too much of a chance against the Saddlebreds because they are the true saddleseat horse . Where I live , however , because Storm is an Arabian , he would not even get looked at in a hunt seat class in 4H . The judges look at the quarter horses and the paints . So that 's why I put Storm in the saddleseat classes . Anyway , I had made it to State in two different classes : " pleasure , " which is about the horse , and " equitation , " which is about me . I started to panic before the show when Mom read the pattern to me for my equitation class event . But at practice we paced out the steps and strides I would have to take to be in the right place in the arena . I had to enter the ring at a strong trot to the right , continue up the rail , and stop just before the first curve . Then I had to stop , acknowledge the judge , walk Storm to the center of the ring , stop , acknowledge the judge again , pick up a canter and circle to the right , stop at the center again , acknowledge the judge again , pick up a trot going to the left in a circle , end up at the other side of the arena , pick up a counter canter ( which is an incorrect lead ) , stop at the end of the rail , acknowledge the judge again , and return to the line up . Acknowledge the judge ? I couldn 't even see the judge ! I decided I would just smile and turn my head entirely around the arena instead . Hopefully , that would count . My first event was the pleasure class , and the size was almost double from last year . Storm and I did our thing , and I blew the lead on the final canter . I took only 11th place , which was the same as the year before . Then I had three minutes to change out of my pleasure class attire , which was a daycoat , vest , and tie . I had to change from that into my equitation attire , which is sort of like a formal tux with cummerbund and bow tie . Mom held Storm while I changed , then I entered the ring . I was shocked that the class had tripled in size since last year . Mom purposely didn 't tell me before , because she knew I would just work myself up . Another horse cut me off , and Storm apparently didn 't like it . He picked up speed , passed the culprit , and kicked him three times . He 's never done that before . I didn 't think I stood a chance after that , but I went on with the regular part of the class . Then they asked us all to line up at the one end of the arena to begin the pattern . Each horse and rider had to do the pattern one at a time . The judge 's nod was the signal to begin . Well , I couldn 't see the judge , let alone see him nod . So Mom and I had developed a code word she would yell from the stands when it was my turn . This year , the signal was " Cody . " Storm and I completed the pattern , and everyone from my county cheered loudly . As they began to call the placings , I didn 't expect to get anything , but the judge apparently didn 't see Storm kick the other horse . We received tenth place which , again , was the same as the previous year . When I dismounted at the exit gate , I did it . I unfolded my white cane . The other participants ' reactions were totally unexpected . Kids from all over the state came up to me to say how amazing I was and that they had no idea I couldn 't see . I explained that I could see , just not very well , which led to another hundred questions and comments , none of which were negative . I know Storm and I placed only tenth , but the pride I felt was overwhelming , and the acceptance I felt was even more so . I don 't want to sound boastful , but some of the horses and riders that placed higher than Storm and me were professionally trained , and we beat some of the others that were professionally trained , too . Coming in tenth in that group was a great feeling . The best part of all , though , was the kids coming up to me afterward and making me feel so worthwhile . They didn 't ridicule or pity me . Actually , I think I might have somehow made them feel proud , too . That boosted my confidence . And it has also confirmed something a wise friend once told me . Success is addictive . The more you get , the more you want . And I now know that courage and hard work are the only ways I 'll be able to do that . College is in my near future . I have been accepted to a college in West Virginia pending my high school diploma . I 'm still scared of the unknown , but I know I can face it as long as I have the support of my family and the will to succeed . Through the years , I 've learned to have a little fun with my condition . When I was in public school , I had a teacher that would yell at me and make rude comments about my loss of my sight . So I would entertain myself by blotting out some of her body parts with my blind spots . Like , I would remove her head so all I could see was her arms flopping around . One time she must have noticed something , because she asked me what I was grinning about . I would also play a game with my friends to show off my good sense of hearing . Better hearing is sometimes a benefit of vision loss in kids , but it 's more of a necessity than a gift . My friend and I would close our eyes and I would drop a coin on the floor . If my friend could find it before I did , she could have it . If I found it before she did , she would owe me the same amount . I always won , usually winning enough change to get an extra snack now and then . Sometimes I see things that aren 't really there . I 've been told those are phantom visions caused by a condition called Charles Bonnet syndrome . At first it frightened me a little , but it 's harmless and pretty common in visually impaired people . The images are always of something beautiful , whether swirling lights or lovely ladies . I have fun with it , because I have convinced my little brother that I can see ghosts . Every night before he goes to bed , he asks me to check his room for them . Sometimes I tell him there is one , but it 's an angel ghost that wants to be there only to make sure he has good dreams . When I friends come over , we often go for an ATV ride . They always let me drive , because they say that it 's like going on a carnival ride . You know you 're going to be all right , but there 's that thrill hitting the bottom of your stomach when it looks like you might run into something . We 've given my best friend the " backseat driver award . " She always tells me if I am getting too close to the edge , or when to turn left or right . If she tells me to slow down , and I don 't , she clobbers me . But even with her sometimes painful help , I 've hit a few things . Last fall I took out my uncle 's hunting target . I also ran into the back of my father 's 4 - wheeler and broke out his tail lights . I remember that really well , because I had to pay for the damage . Many times , I have been out in public and have run into people or religious groups who want to pray for me . They call it " laying their hands " on me . It makes me uncomfortable , especially when I don 't know them . I believe in God , and I do believe in people who can heal , but sometimes it just makes me uncomfortable . So I wondered what I should say the next time this happened to me . Of course , " No , thank you " came to mind , but being a little devious , I had another plan . Mom and I went to the mall to do a little shopping , and we were approached by a religious group asking if they could pray for me . I politely said they could , which pleasantly surprised Mom . Then , after they did their thing , I opened my eyes and yelled , " Oh my gosh ! What did you do ? I can 't see anything now ! Mom , where are you ? Help me ! " It was priceless . The people were apologizing , and a crowd started to form . They didn 't know what to do . I know it was mean , but you have to admit , there is some humor there . Mom wasn 't very happy with me , but we shared a good laugh when we hit the parking lot . The next time , when I was being prayed over by a young man , Mom kept poking me in the ribs . She thought I was going to play my trick , but I surprised her and simply thanked him . Afterwards , she told me she was glad I didn 't embarrassing him . I just smiled at her and said , " No way . That guy was cute ! " Being visually impaired , I sometimes rely on a sighted guide to help me get around . While we were at the State Fair , Mom and I went to a restaurant for dinner . After eating , we stopped by the restroom . I let her lead the way , which was a big mistake , because she accidently led me through the wrong door . We were about five feet inside when she said , " Oops . Kimber , this is the men 's room . " She managed to apologize to the occupants and blurted out that I was visually impaired , so not to worry . I couldn 't see anything , but I 'm sure my face turned bright red . Mom and I laughed all the way to the parking lot . Now , every time we use a public restroom , I never pass up the chance to ask if she 's sure it 's the one with ladies in it . Okay , one more story . One evening , just before dark , I looked out the back door and saw our cat sitting on the stoop . Thinking she must be hungry , I put some food out for her . When I bent down to pet her , something was wrong . She just didn 't look right . I leaned closer and saw that I was petting a wild raccoon ! In that totally cool way I have , I screamed really loud and slammed the door . It was not one of my most shining moments . It 's been almost six years since my diagnosis . I 've had to overcome much diversity . At times I 've had to comfort those who should have been comforting me . I have days when I pity myself . But then I have days when I think nothing is going to stop me from accomplishing the things I want to do in life . I guess , like my horses , I 've been trying to find my stride . Having Stargardt disease is very hard to deal with , but it 's not the end of the world . When I was a little girl , I knew my disease wasn 't catching . What I hadn 't yet learned , though , was that how I handle it could affect everyone around me . Now that I 'm older and getting ready to be an adult , I 'm learning how important it is to make those effects as positive as possible . I hope this first part of my unfinished story will be a big step in that direction . |
The following is the first chapter ( 1st draft version ) of my new book that I am writing , City Of Crows . It is a supernatural thriller , with maybe a little bit of horror thrown in to the mix . I 'm sharing it now so that my readers , who are completely awesome and always give their support and encouragement and show so much enthusiasm for everything I do , can get an idea of what the book will be like , as it 's a little different from the last four books I 've written . For those of you who read this , you are amazing ! Enough talk , on to the story ! Ana Velasco 's feet pounded hard against the earth as she sprinted through the woods . Her heart was pounding loudly in her ears , the only sounds she could hear now being the fearful thump - THUMP of her beating heart , and her own panting breath . She was struggling for air , struggling to keep breathing , she had been running as fast as she could for so long . She had to , though , if she stopped … she died . Ana raised her arms and shielded her face as she ran though a low hanging thicket of tree branches , sending leaves flying everywhere as she ploughed through . She heard the branches snap under the force of her momentum , but she just kept running , too afraid to even slow down , too terrified to even look back . She knew they were back there . She knew they were following her . Chasing her . Pursuing her . Continuing to run as fast as she could , Ana felt her foot catch on something sticking up out of the ground . She cried out as she fell , throwing her hands forward to try and stop herself from falling . She hit the ground hard , her face crashing into the dirt and fallen leaves . Even though her arms and hands were now chafed and scratched and bloody , and her head throbbed painfully , Ana pushed herself up to her feet , sobbing gently as she gasped for air , twigs and dried leaves now caught in her long black hair , and kept running . Finally , Ana saw up ahead the place she was heading . It was a small cabin , desolate and seemingly abandoned . The cabin looked ancient , like it had been built hundreds of years ago out of nothing but what the builder had found on the forest floor . Long lengths of wood packed in tightly together , the gaps sealed with mud . But there was safety in that cabin . Behind its rickety door and uneven windows , Ana knew there was her only hope . Ana didn 't spare a glance upward as a shadow passed over her face . Instead , it seemed as though the passing shadow urged her to run faster . Her long black hair trailed out behind her as she fled , like the tail of a comet , until Ana reached the door to her cabin and pushed her way inside . Panting and wheezing , Ana immediately turned and slammed the door shut . As she leaned against it and looked around the inside of the small , one room , cabin , Ana wished that the door had a lock . Although , she knew that a lock would serve her no purpose now . If they wanted to come in , they would . And she didn 't have much time . Ana swept numerous items out of her cabinets in a hurry , carelessly tossing them to the floor as she searched . Blue candles and bottles of incense all thumped against the wooden floor and rolled away , but Ana paid them no attention . She thrust her arms deep inside the cabinets above her head and finally found what she was looking for . Still panting in her exhaustion and fear , Ana retrieved a compact mirror and a tall , thick , white , candle . Clutching them both tightly in her hands , Ana turned around and hurried towards the corner of the large rug that covered the majority of the tiny cabin floor . Clutching the mirror and candle in one hand , Ana bent down and grasped the corner of the rug in her free hand and yanked it backwards , tossing the whole rug aside in one fling . Beneath the rug was a symbol marked on the floor in white paint . It was large , taking up the entire space that the rug had covered . It was a wide circle , but within the circle was a five pointed star , painted as though in one continuous stroke , the line never breaking . One point of the star was pointing directly at the door through which Ana had rushed only moments ago . Ana quickly set the compact mirror down on the floor above the point of the star that faced the door , opening the mirror and placing it carefully outside of the pentagram 's circle , the reflective glass facing the only way in or out . Ana then put the thick candle down on the floor , directly on top of the tip of the pentagram 's point closest to the door , right behind the compact mirror . Her hands shaking , Ana then took a book of matches from her pocket and tried to strike a match , but her hands were too unsteady . Finally she managed to strike a match and a small flame began to flicker at the end of the stick pinched in her fingers . Ana lit the candle and then blew out the match , falling to her knees in the center of the pentagram , facing the burning candle . Somewhere outside , she heard the distinct call of a crow , which was then answered by another crow . Ana jumped when she heard the scuttling noise on the roof of her cabin . She instinctively wanted to look up toward the noise , but knew that she needed to keep focus on the burning flame on the white candle . Ana then heard the call of a crow once more , this time from the roof of her cabin . It must have landed there . Ana swallowed hard , her throat dry and sore , but repeated the chant again , this time louder than a whisper . Then the fire on the candle suddenly began to burn brighter . It seemed to intensify , growing taller as Ana spoke her words , staring unblinkingly into the center of the flame . Ana could hear the wind outside suddenly growing stronger , banging the shutters outside her windows . The wind now howled through the forest , wailing and moaning , while the sound of cawing crows could still be heard outside . Ana said the words again , louder still , almost shouting them . By the time Ana had finished the chant once more , the flame on the candle was now towering from the floor to Ana 's eye level , a good three feet as she kneeled before it . Ana began the chant once more , this time yelling the words at the candle . Suddenly , the door to the cabin burst open and a powerful gust of wind pushed its way inside , sending pages of books flipping rapidly and discarded candles rolling across the floor . The small mirror was knocked over in the wind and fell closed on itself , no longer reflecting the door . The sudden blast of wind surprised Ana and she turned her face away from the door , shielding her eyes with her arm , breaking eye contact with the candle flame for the first time since she lit it . The instant Ana looked away , the towering flame suddenly died . As an author , I often receive criticism about what I do . Not if I 'm good or not , more like people simply doubting that anyone who wants to be an author could actually become that . Today I had an exchange with someone who called into question my ability to do what I do . This isn 't the first time that 's happened , and it sure as Hell won 't be the last . But when this sort of thing happens , I always think of an old story I heard years and years ago . I think it 's good for other aspiring artists , or anyone who wants to make their dream a reality , to read . And remember it when someone tries to tell you that you can 't achieve your dreams . There was once a swamp full of frogs . These frogs all went about their day without trouble , no one doing anything to upset the daily routine . One day , however , a small group of young frogs came across a tree at the edge of the swamp . The tree was rather tall , but had a delicious looking fruit growing from the high branches . The frogs all wanted to eat the fruit , so tasty did they look , but they were afraid of climbing the tree , because it was far taller than anything else they had seen in the swamp , and they were only small frogs . Finally , one frog worked up his courage and began to climb the tree . As he climbed , the other frogs gathered below and started to call out to the climbing frog , yelling , " Come down , you won 't make it ! You 'll fall ! Come back , you 'll fall ! " Another frog suddenly decided to give it a try . He hopped forward and began to climb . As soon as he started to climb , the other frogs all began to shout again , " Don 't do it , you 'll fall ! It 's too big , you won 't do it ! You 'll fall ! " Finally , the smallest frog hopped forward . He said nothing to the other frogs , but just began to climb . The frogs down below all yelled out as they had with all the others , shouting , " You 're going to fall ! Don 't do it , come back ! You 'll fall ! " But the little frog just kept climbing . He made it a quarter of the way up , a third , then halfway . The frogs down below started to yell louder , insisting that he would fall , that he can 't make it , to just stop . Still , the little frog climbed . He climbed all the way to the top of the tree , made his way out onto the branches and began picking the delicious fruit . He ate his fill , then dropped some down to the other frogs down below . He then easily climbed back down to meet up with the group of frogs who all stared at him in amazement . Before you start reading this short story , perhaps a little context would be useful . First of all , this is a continuation of a short story published in my collection of horror and thriller tales , Sinister Nightmares . The original story , The Crows , was about an old man who killed crows for pleasure , until they decided that they 'd had enough . You won 't need to have read The Crows to understand this story , however . I decided this story , which I wrote a year or so ago , but did nothing with , was suitable for this Halloween post as I am currently writing my horror novel , City of Crows , and the themes of which go relatively hand in hand . Something else to bear in mind while you read . In ancient beliefs , crows were , and still are , thought to be the keepers of the dead . They carry the souls of the dead to the afterlife . And , sometimes … bring them back . The pearly white cat rubbed against the teenage boy 's leg , meowing as he held out the piece of meat . She was purring and staring up at the food with anticipation , the bell on her collar jingling gently with every movement . Her bright eyes and pearly white coat stood out easily in the darkness of the alley as midnight approached . Just as the cat stretched out its neck to gently take the food that was being offered , the boy quickly reached down with his other hand and grabbed the cat by the back of the neck , causing her to yowl in surprise . The boy lifted the cat off her feet by the scruff of her neck , grinning as he did so . He tossed aside the bait he had used and walked deeper into the alley . He stopped and reached down to something by his feet , which he had stashed beside some overflowing trash cans . He lifted the canvas bag up and shook it open . Then he shoved the pearly white cat inside . He zipped it shut as the cat began to cry a long , drawn - out howl that only cats can manage . The boy thumped the bag with his fist and snapped , " Shut up in there ! " A few minutes later , the boy was walking over a small bridge that stretched across a river in the middle of town . The cat was still crying from within the bag , her pathetic mewing becoming more and more emphatic . The boy approached the edge of the bridge and looked around quickly , trying to keep the bag hidden between his body and the bridge wall . After he determined that there was no one around , he turned to face the water and lifted the bag up onto the ledge . With a small nudge , the boy pushed the bag over the edge . He heard the cat cry as she fell . He heard the splash as the bag hit the water . Then he heard nothing else as the bag sank beneath the surface . He stood there for a few minutes , staring down at the water , waiting until he knew enough time had passed for the cat to have definitely drowned . Serves it right , he thought . Stupid cat . Suddenly , he felt a shadow pass over him . Looking up , he saw a dark shape circling overhead , flying lower and lower . As he watched , he saw a crow swoop down and land on the bridge wall , only a few feet away . He watched the crow as it appeared to peer over the edge of the bridge and down to the river below . It was very still as it stared down to the murky water that flowed beneath . Then it slowly lifted its head and stared at the boy with one dark eye . It neither moved nor blinked . It just stood there , staring . The crow finally flapped its wings and ruffled its feathers . It lowered its head and opened its beak , cawing loudly at the boy , who jumped at the sudden movement of the bird . The boy scowled , feeling stupid for being scared by a bird . He stepped closer to the crow and swung his hand out at it , forcing it to hop backwards . " I said , get the f - OW ! " the boy cried out in pain suddenly , dancing backwards and clutching his hand . He had swung at the crow again , only to receive a vicious peck on the flesh between his thumb and index finger . The boy looked down at the wound as he clutched it tightly and saw blood seeping between the fingers of his uninjured hand . The boy left quickly , shouting abuse at the crow that was still sitting on the side of the bridge , cawing loudly into the night . As the boy hurried along , ducking through an alleyway , he silently cursed the bird for taking a sizeable chunk out of his right hand . He considered going back to see if it was still there and , if it was , throwing a rock at it . Maybe he could break its wings and throw it into the river after the cat . He continued along , lost in violent thought , until he noticed a pair of eyes on a window - ledge above , staring down at him . Looking up , he saw a grey tabby - cat sitting on the ledge , watching him with wary eyes , twitching its tail from left to right . He bent down and picked up a fallen brick from the ground . He lifted it over his shoulder and took a careful step closer to the growling tabby , trying not to scare it off before he could crush its skull under the brick . The tabby hissed and swiped a paw at the air as the boy came within arms - reach . He smiled and lifted the brick a little higher , taking careful aim . " Son of a bitch ! " the boy shouted . He locked eyes with the pair of cats on the window and glared with contempt . " You 're dead , you mangy bastards ! Both of you , you 're … " He stopped in mid - sentence as he saw movement out of the corner of his eye . Turning his head , he saw another cat peering out at him from behind a dumpster . Then another two lifted their heads from inside . More appeared from around garbage cans , others were perched on windowsills ; dozens more were on the rooftops , staring down at him in the centre of the alley , more than the boy could count . He stared around at all of them , uncertain of what to do . There were more cats in this alley than he had ever seen in one place . But what the boy found particularly unnerving was the fact that all the cats were completely still and silent . No pacing , no meowing , no cleaning . They were all just staring at him with bright unblinking eyes . Behind him , the boy heard a noise , the rustle of feathers and a loud caw . He turned in the direction of the noise and looked down the alley back the way he had come , back toward the bridge . He looked out the end of the alley into the street , expecting to see a crow , but what he saw was definitely not a crow . It was sitting on the sidewalk , bathed in the light from a street lamp above its position , giving a glowing quality to its fur coat . Its eyes shone bright and yellow , reflecting the light shining down on them , as both were locked on the boy 's . The two stared at each other , neither moving , neither making a sound , amidst the crowd of cats who were quietly watching . The boy began to back away , deciding that the situation was entirely too weird and unsettling . The hairs on his arms and the back of his neck were all standing on end and he figured the best place he could be right now was anywhere else . He turned and walked quickly away , not stopping or slowing down to even look over his shoulder . But as he walked away , he could feel a hundred eyes on his back and he couldn 't get out of his mind the picture of the cat with the pearly white fur . And how it had looked slightly wet . The next morning , after a restless night of inconsistent sleep , the boy dragged himself into the kitchen for breakfast . His father was already seated at the small breakfast table , a plate of toast crumbs pushed aside and his hand wrapped around a steaming mug of coffee while he read the newspaper , a breeze from the open window rustling the corners of the pages . He glanced up at his son when he heard him enter the room . His father grunted and returned to his paper . " You and cats , I don 't know why you hate them so much . You 're as bad as your grandad , before he disappeared . " " Ah , the old bastard hated crows . Couldn 't stand ' em , killed ' em every chance he got . His hunting cabin was full of stuffed ones he 'd shot . " The boy frowned and ate a spoonful of cereal . He chewed , but felt something strange in his mouth . The cereal felt wrong . He stopped chewing and looked down into his bowl . It took a moment for his mind to register what he was seeing , but once he realized , his eyes bulged and his face turned white . He dropped the spoon and gasped . Suddenly he felt he couldn 't breathe . He choked and spluttered and clawed at the table . He tried to stand , but in his panic he only knocked his chair over and clutched the table , unable to find his feet as he flailed them about , his sneakers squeaking on the kitchen floor . " What - " his father began , but realizing that his son was choking , he leaped to his feet and rushed around the table . He began slamming the boy hard on the back with the palm of his hand , again and again , until finally the boy coughed up the blockage and spat it out onto the table . He gasped for breath and fell to his knees , still leaning on the table . But the boy didn 't hear him . He was staring in horror at the glob on the table he had just spat out . It was a wadded ball of fur . And in his bowl of cereal , countless more hairs swam amongst his breakfast , each one an easily recognizable pearly white . That evening , the boy 's father went to work at the warehouse for the night shift . The boy stayed home and played video games , trying not to think about that morning . Normally , he would have gone out on a Saturday night , but after what happened , he just felt like it was a better idea to lie low . He didn 't want to go out , just in case all those cats were waiting for him . Especially the pearly white one . The boy walked to the front door , switched on the exterior light and peered through the peephole , thinking that someone may have been ringing the doorbell , and that the doorbell was broken . But when he looked through the hole , there was no one there . He began to turn away , but something caught his eye . He looked through the peephole once more and tried to focus on what he had seen at the edge of the front lawn , just on the line between the light and the dark . Cats . Three of them . Just sitting there , staring at the house . The boy moved to a window and looked outside . He saw other cats , more of them this time . He counted almost a dozen , all sitting motionless and staring at the house . He ran to another window and was met with the same sight . He moved to another window , and another and another , cats , cats , cats , all still , all staring , dozens upon dozens of cats , their eyes glowing softly in the night . The ringing had become louder and more insistent . The boy was finally able to hear the direction it was coming from and turned to face the closed door to the kitchen . The ringing was coming from there , from inside the house . The boy 's eyes grew wide and his blood ran cold , rendering him frozen in place as he realized something he should have thought of much earlier . The boy 's first thought was to flee the house , but the sight of the cats waiting outside was all that stopped him from doing so . The boy looked around quickly for something to defend himself with and his eyes landed on the iron poker beside the fireplace . He snatched it up and lifted it into a swinging position on his shoulder . Cautiously , he approached the kitchen door . He placed a hand upon it and gently pushed , moving slowly into the room . At first , he thought the room was empty . His eyes scanned the area and saw nothing out of place . But then he noticed that sitting on top of the fridge was a large , black crow . When it saw the boy enter the room , it turned to face him . It lowered its head and fluffed its wings , shouting one defiant caw ! The boy gripped the poker tighter in both hands and took a step closer to the bird , ready to knock its head clean off . The crow turned its head and looked at the boy with one glassy eye , a black orb that the boy could see himself reflected in . He could see himself standing with a ferocious look on his face , the iron poker positioned over his shoulder , ready to swing . Suddenly , he saw something move off to the side . He turned his attention to the movement and his blood ran cold for the second time . The cats were coming through the window . The boy backed up as the swarm of felines came in through the window and filled the kitchen . The flow seemed to never end as cat after cat after cat just kept coming through . But they didn 't attack . They didn 't growl or hiss or spit . They simply found a place to sit and waited , their curious eyes fixed on the boy , who had backed up against the wall , his way to the door now blocked by a sea of cats . He lifted his shirt and looked at his exposed torso . His mouth dropped open , his hands started to tremble and all of the colour drained from his face . There was something pressing against the inside of his stomach , pushing the flesh outward before settling , then repeating the process again . And with each movement , the bell rang gently . Suddenly , the boy felt wracked with pain . He clutched his stomach and doubled over , falling to his knees as he grimaced and cried out . He tried to scream , but instead he just began to cough violently . He felt something trickling down his chin and saw that he had coughed blood up onto the floor . He kept coughing , more and more blood falling to the tiles . He was on all fours , trying to crawl towards the phone to call for help , but he was rendered immobile from the pain that had started in his stomach and was now making its way into his chest . He looked around helplessly , but saw only the indifferent stares of the cats and the cold eyes of the crow , still high above on the fridge . The boy stopped coughing , but this only alarmed him more , because now he couldn 't draw breath . He tried to inhale , but it was a futile attempt . He gasped and panicked and tried once more to reach the phone , but he was weakened from pain and the throng of cats blocked his way . He began to gag , his back heaving and convulsing . Blood was dripping from his mouth and running down his chin and neck , spattering all over the floor . Small claws suddenly poked out through his neck , gouging the flesh as they scratched from the inside . The boy clutched at his neck as the pain grew more unbearable and more blood poured from the open wounds . He could feel the bones in his neck shifting and cracking as something was forcing them around , as though trying to make room . He felt something ripping and tearing at the back of his throat , hitting him with a fresh bout of intolerable pain . When he felt something flopping around inside his mouth , he lowered his head and spat it out . When it hit the floor , he didn 't know how to comprehend what he was looking at . He stared at it , delirious with fear and pain and blood loss , not sure if it was even real . His tongue was lying on the floor , ripped out of his mouth , now in the pool of blood on the kitchen tiles . Finally , the boy felt something pushing around the inside of his mouth . He opened wide and let it out . First came the paws . They both stretched out of the boy 's mouth and searched for something to grab hold of . Failing that , the claws extended and they were dug into the boy 's cheeks . As the cat began to drag itself out of his mouth , it left deep gouges in the sides of the boy 's face , more blood now running from his cheeks and dripping onto his shoulders . The boy stared at the cat and the cat stared back at him . The boy was wobbling on his hands and knees , his eyes drifting in and out of focus , his breathing short , weak , and ragged , blood still oozing from his mouth and the tears in his neck and cheeks . He blinked slowly , barely conscious . On some level , he noticed that the crow cawed loudly and the pearly white cat was moving closer . As his vision faded , he saw the other cats finally move . They began to move toward him , following the pearly white cat , meowing loudly , all licking their lips . When the boy 's father got home well after midnight , he was annoyed to find that the exterior light had been left on . As if the bills weren 't high enough already . His annoyance was not abated inside where he saw that his son had left on all the interior lights as well as the TV with one of his video games running . He began stomping through the house , calling for his son , but was confused when he got no response . He searched every room , but found no sign that his son was home , or had been recently . " What . . ? " he began , but trailed off . He knelt down and picked up the poker from the tiled floor . Looking around , he could see nothing else out of the ordinary . He glanced out the window , but there was nothing that could tell him where his son had gone . There wasn 't even anything of little interest . Only a very fat pearly white cat ; sitting on the fence , cleaning its fur . " Okay , class , " Darius began , switching the projector to the next slide , which consisted of a list of textbook titles and chapters . " We 'll leave our discussion there for now . I 'd like you all to read these before next week , and we 'll continue our discussion on - " Darius stopped short as the angry shout from the back of the lecture hall interrupted him and caused every student to turn their heads in surprise and curiosity . Storming down the aisle between the seats was a heavyset man with not a single hair on his head . Darius watched , perplexed , as the man stomped angrily to the front of the lecture hall and stopped just short of running into Darius and jabbed a finger into his chest . " Sir , please calm down , " Darius frowned , resisting the urge to grab the man 's poking finger and break it . " Let 's step outside and discuss what 's bothering you . Everyone , you can go to your next classes . " " No way , pal , " the man snapped , shaking his head . " These kids stay right where they are and hear some truth for a change . What gives you the right to fill my daughter 's head with your nonsense ? This is supposed to be a school ! But here you are , every damn day , telling her and the others about God and Angels and ' the truth about religion , ' what gives you the right ? My daughter is smarter than that , she doesn 't need you confusing her with talk like God is actually real . " " Sir , if you insist on talking about this in front of the students , fine , " Darius scowled . " I 've never been so bold as to force the students to believe any particular thing . They each have their own faiths and I wouldn 't dream of belittling them or trying to change their beliefs in any way . But you 're right . This is a school . And I teach facts . This is Religious Education . Not a church . I don 't preach and I don 't proselytize . I teach about the history of religion and we discuss aspects of theology from many faiths . Nothing more . Now , if you have a complaint about my teaching style , you 're more than welcome to take it up with the Dean . " " I have , " the man snapped . " He shut me down . I guess you got him brainwashed , too . So I 'm here to talk to you and make you stop making my kid think that there 's actually a God . " " Oh , is that what this is about ? " Darius asked , suddenly amused . " You don 't believe in God , so no one else should either ? " " Stay out of this , Bella , " the man snapped . Then , turning back to Darius , said , " I 'll be making a formal complaint about you . You 're not being respectful to the beliefs of these students . " " What about you , Bella ? " Darius asked , looking at the angry man 's daughter . " I don 't mean to single you out , but do you agree with your father ? Am I a disgrace to teaching ? " " So even after the Global Revelation , " Darius began , " you still don 't believe there 's a God ? No Heaven ? Nothing after life at all ? " " They weren 't Angels , I 've told you that already , " the man argued . " They were soldiers from some government agency testing new weapons or something . I don 't know for sure , but I do know they weren 't Angels ! " " Okay , let 's say you 're right , " Darius began calmly . " Let 's say they weren 't Angels , despite all the eyewitness accounts . What about all the people who died and were then resurrected ? What about how they claim to have seen parts of Heaven ? " " Well , I 've never seen proof of any of that , " the man huffed . " They 're probably just making it all up for attention . And who says they died at all ? They could have just been drugged or something . " " Okay , sir , " Darius said firmly . " Poke me again and we 'll have something completely different to discuss . But if you want to keep talking about science versus God , let me rebut in terms that , as a man of science , you 'll understand . " " Before you judge anyone , or go ahead and claim that everything you say is truth , consider these scientific facts . You can see less than 1 percent of the electromagnetic spectrum , and the acoustic spectrum , meaning that there are things that exist that you can 't see or hear at all times . As I speak , we 're all traveling at 220 kilometers per second across the galaxy , the speed of which we can 't feel . 90 percent of the cells in your body carry their own microbial DNA , making them technically not ' you . ' The atoms in your body are more than 99 percent empty space , none of them are the ones you were born with , and every single one of them was born inside of a star . Human beings have 46 chromosomes , which is two less than the common potato . And finally , the existence of a rainbow depends entirely on the conical photoreceptors in your eyes . For any animal that doesn 't possess those conical photoreceptors , the rainbow doesn 't exist . So you don 't really look at a rainbow , you create it . Now , that 's pretty amazing , considering the scientific fact that all the colors you can see represent less than 1 percent of the electromagnetic spectrum . Now , ask yourself , just how much are you missing ? " To this , the man didn 't seem to have a response . He merely gawked at Darius for a few seconds longer , completely lost for words . But then the angry expression returned to his face and he began to storm towards the exit without saying a word to Darius at all . However , he did pause just long enough to bark at his daughter , " Come on , Bella , let 's go . You 're not taking this class anymore . " " I 'm staying , Dad , " Bella replied curtly . " I like this class . And I don 't have to agree with everything you believe . " A short while later , Darius was tidying up his papers and getting ready to clear out of the lecture hall . After the students had begun to leave , Bella had rushed over to Darius and apologized roughly a thousand times , each times with Darius responding " It 's okay , don 't worry about it . " Darius had almost entirely put the encounter with the angry man out of his mind when he heard someone speak behind him . Darius turned at the sound of the male voice and came face to face with an unfamiliar man . Although , face to face was probably not the most accurate phrase . The man was so tall , it was more like face to chest . Darius looked up at the man and saw a kind , handsome , and smiling face . " The man who insisted on poking you continuously , " the stranger smiled . " You dealt with the situation honorably . And addressing the issue in scientific terms to prove your point was nothing short of inspired . I am impressed . " The stranger grinned . " Perhaps . I am in need of some rather specific knowledge . I have recently come to the conclusion that the one who would be best suited to aid me in my search for understanding is a man such as yourself . A former Reaper . " " I believe you know perfectly well what I mean , Darius , " the stranger replied softly . " You were a Reaper for over two hundred years before Elohim restored your humanity as a reward for purging the world of the scourge formally known as Abzu , and his sadistic army . Do you deny this ? " Darius didn 't know how to reply . He stared up at the stranger , who stood at roughly seven feet tall , but then Darius noticed something about him . His eyes . They were a brilliant shade of green . Darius stood at the front of the lecture hall , the projector screen towering behind him as he looked out at the hundreds of young faces staring back at him expectantly . Each student sitting with their fingers poised over the keys to their laptops . Darius cleared his throat nervously . This was the first lecture he was speaking at and , despite Peyton 's assurances that he would do great , Darius was still terrified of sounding foolish . " I was just wondering , sir , " she began . " With all the problems in the world , why is religion important ? Why do we keep it around when people start wars and bomb schools over it ? Shouldn 't the government just outlaw religion ? At least , public displays of it , anyway . If no one was trying to change what other people believed , because they didn 't know , then wouldn 't the world be more peaceful ? " " Does anyone else agree ? " Darius asked , louder , looking around the lecture hall . " Is religion to blame for terrorism ? For segregation ? Homophobia ? Racism ? " " Here 's a hypothetical question , Alisha , " Darius began . " Let 's say the young man sitting behind you took out a knife and stabbed you with it . Will you blame him ? Or the knife ? " " Um , I 'd blame him , " Alisha replied , still confused . " I mean , he was the one who stabbed me . But what does that have to do with religion ? " " It 's the same concept if you think about it , " Darius replied , smirking . " The knife in our hypothetical situation was just a tool . And so is any religion . If wielded by the wrong people , yes , it can be dangerous , used to justify numerous acts of cruelty and oppression . People have , and do , use religion as a scapegoat for their own actions . But religion cannot be held accountable for how people use it . People interpret the texts , and then decide how to apply them . The texts were written by men , and then handed out as though God had faxed them to us . So to answer your question , no . The world would not be better off without religion , because if all religious institutions suddenly disbanded and declared themselves to be completely full of it , what then ? The people who used religion to justify their cruelty would only find other means to defend what they do . The cruelty would remain , but the comfort that religion brings to just as many good people would be gone . The world has had to drastically reevaluate itself after those Angels attacked , but all the religious denominations have found solace and comfort in their faiths . What would the world be like right now if humanity had not had the guidance of religion to turn to ? " " So , which one 's right ? I mean , we know Angels are real now , so we have a pretty good idea that God is real , too . So … Which religion has it right ? And if God 's real , just how powerful is he ? And where is he ? Which religion is right ? " " All of them , " Darius replied . " Which is why we should study them . To get past the theology and find the history that 's hidden away within . And once we all understand each other 's faith , that 's when we can have the peace that Alisha was asking about . Now … Let 's get started . " |
" I will fly into the air above the river and turn myself into a hemlock needle . When it floats down to you . pick it up and swallow it . " Princess nodded and wondered what was going to happen as Raven flew into the air . In an instant he was gone . A small hemlock needle slowly fell towards the water . When it floated down to her , princess picked it up and swallowed it . She waited , but nothing happened . Then she felt a jerk in her back . The princess reached back to see what the pain was and to her surprise , she felt feathers , a wing grew out of her back and wrapped around her . It was so warm . The princess felt a love like never before . Raven and the princess felt a Love like never before . Raven and the princess were joined together throughout all time . All creatures that saw them could feel the love drifting from the face of the princess and the wing of Raven . In the times of the ancients , long , long ago , near the High flowing River on the Zuni Mountains , there lived an old Turtle . He went out hunting , one day , and by means of his ingenuity killed a large , fine deer . When he had thrown the deer to the ground , he had no means of skinning it . He sat down and reflected , scratching the lid of his eye with the nail of his hind foot . He concluded he would have to go hunting for a flint - knife ; therefore he set forth . He came after a while to a place where old buildings had stood . Then he began to hum an old magic song , such as , it is said , the ancients sung when they hunted for the flint of which to make knives . He sang in this way : He exclaimed : " Uh ! I wonder who is singing and what he is saying . Ah , he is hunting for a flint - knife , is he ? - - evidently somebody who has killed a deer ! " He turned back , and ran over to where the old Turtle was . As he neared him , he cried out : " Halloo , friend ! Didn 't I hear you singing ? " " You wanted it to skin a deer with ; that 's what you wanted it for . Where is the deer now , come ? You have killed a deer and I know it . Tell , where is it . " " Let me hold him for you , " cried the Coyote . Whereupon he jumped over the deer , spread out its hind legs , and placed a paw on each of them , holding the body open ; and thus they began to skin the deer . When they had finished this work , the Coyote turned to the Turtle and asked : " How much of him are you going to give me ? " " I 'll do no such thing , " replied the Turtle . " I killed the deer ; you only helped to skin him , and you ought to be satisfied with my liberality in giving you the stomach and liver alone . I 'll throw in a little fat , to be sure , and some of the intestines ; but I 'll give you no more . " " Well , then , I will forthwith kill you ! " snapped the Coyote , and he made a grab for the Turtle . Kopo ! sounded his teeth as they struck on the hard shell of the Turtle ; and , bite as he would , the Turtle simply slipped out of his mouth every time he grabbed him . He rolled the Turtle over and over to find a good place for biting , and held him between his paws as if he were a bone , and gnawed at him ; but , do his best , kopo , kopo ! his teeth kept slipping off the Turtle 's hard shell . At last he exclaimed , rather hotly : " There 's more than one way of killing a beast like you ! " So he set the Turtle up on end , and , catching up a quantity of sand , stuffed it into the hole where the Turtle 's head had disappeared and tapped it well down with a stick until he had completely filled the crevice . " There , now , " he exclaimed , with a snicker of delight . " I think I have fixed you now , old Hard shell , and served you right , too , you old stingy - box ! " - - whereupon he whisked away to the meat . The Turtle considered it best to die , as it were ; but he listened intently to what was going on . The Coyote cut up the deer and made a package of him in his own skin . Then he washed the stomach in a neighboring brook and filled it with choppings of the liver and kidneys , and fat stripped from the intestines , and clots of blood , dashing in a few sprigs of herbs here and there . Then , according to the custom of hunters in all times , he dug an oven in the ground and buried the stomach , in order to make a baked blood - pudding of it while he was summoning his family and friends to help him take the meat home . The Turtle clawed a little of the sand away from his neck and peered out just a trifle . He heard the Coyote grunting as he tried to lift the meat in order to hang it on a branch of a neighboring pine tree . He was just exclaiming : " What a lucky fellow I am to come on that lame , helpless old wretch and get all this meat from him without the trouble of hunting for it , to be sure ! Ah , my dear children , my fine old wife , what a feast we will have this day ! " - - for you know the Coyote had a large family over the way , - - he was just exclaiming this , I say , when the Turtle cried out , faintly : " Natipa ! " " You hard - coated old scoundrel ! You ugly , crooked - legged beast ! You stingy - box ! " snarled the Coyote . " So you are alive , are you ? " Dropping the meat , he leaped back to where the Turtle was lying , his head hauled in again , and , jamming every crevice full of sand , made it hard and firm . Then , hitting the Turtle a clip with the tip of his nose , he sent him rolling over and over like a flat , round stone down the slope . " This is fine treatment to receive from the hands of such a sneaking cur as that , " thought the Turtle . " I think I will keep quiet this time and let him do as he pleases . But through my ingenuity I killed the deer , and it may be that through ingenuity I can keep the deer . " So the Turtle kept perfectly dead , to all appearances , and the Coyote , leaving the meat hanging on a low branch of a tree and building a fire over the oven he had excavated , whisked away with his tail in the air to his house just the other side of the mountain . When he arrived there he cried out : " Wife , wife ! Children , children ! Come , quick ! Great news ! Killed an enormous deer today . I have made a blood - pudding in his stomach and buried it . Let us go and have a feast ; then you must help me bring the meat home . " Now , as soon as the old Turtle was satisfied that the Coyote had left , he dug the sand out of his collar with his tough claws , and , proceeding to the place where the meat hung , first hauled it up , piece by piece , to the very top of the tree ; for Turtles have claws , you know , and can climb , especially if the trunk of the tree leans over , as that one did . Having hauled the meat to the very topmost branches of the tree , and tied it there securely , he descended and went over to where the blood - pudding was buried . He raked the embers away from it and pulled it out ; then he dragged it off to a neighboring ant - hill where the red fire - ants were congregated in great numbers . Immediately they began to rush out , smelling the cooked meat , and the Turtle , untying the end of the stomach , chucked as many of the ants as he could into it . Then he dragged the pudding back to the fire and replaced it in the oven , taking care that the coals should not get near it . Luscious fruit - like ! Luscious fruit - like No sooner had they neared the spot where they smelt the meat than , without looking around at all , they made a bound for it . But the old Coyote grabbed the hindmost of the young ones by the car until he yelped , shook him , and called out to all the rest : " Look you here ! Eat in a decent manner or you will burn your chops off ! I stuffed the pudding full of grease , and the moment you puncture it , the grease , being hot , will fly out and burn you . Be careful and dignified , children . There is plenty of time , and you shall be satisfied . Don 't gorge at the first helping ! " But the moment the little Coyotes were freed , they made a grand bounce for the tempting stomach , tearing it open , and grabbing huge mouthfuls . It may be surmised that the fire - ants were not comfortable . They ran all over the lips and cheeks of the voracious little gourmands and bit them until they cried out , shaking their heads and rubbing them in the sand : " Atu - tu - tu - tu - tu - tu ! " " There , now , didn 't I tell you , little fools , to be careful ? It was the grease that burnt you . Now I hope you know enough to eat a little more moderately . There 's plenty of time to satisfy yourselves , I say , " cried the old Coyote , sitting down on his haunches . " You tough - hided old beast ! " yelled the Coyote , in an ecstasy of rage and disappointment . " Throw down some of that meat , now , will you ? I killed that deer ; you only helped me skin him ; and here you have stolen all the meat . Wife ! Children ! Didn 't I kill the deer ? " he cried , turning to the rest . " Who said I stole the meat from you ? " cried out the Turtle . " I only hauled it up here to keep it from being stolen , you villain ! Scatter yourselves out to catch some of it . I will throw as fine a pair of ribs down to you as ever you saw . There , now , spread yourselves out and get close together . Ready ? " he called , as the Coyotes lay down on their backs side by side and stretched their paws as high as they could eagerly and tremblingly toward the meat . The old Turtle took up the pair of ribs , and , catching them in his beak , crawled out to the end of the branch immediately over the Coyotes , and , giving them a good fling , dropped them as hard as he could . Over and over they fell , and then came down like a pair of stones across the bodies of the Coyotes , crushing the wind out of them , so that they had no breath left with which to cry out , and most of them were instantly killed . But the two little cubs at either side escaped with only a hurt or two , and , after yelling fearfully , one of them took his tail between his legs and ran away . The other one , still very hungry , ran off with his tail lowered and his nose to the ground , side - wise , until he had got to a safe distance , and then he sat down and looked up . Presently he thought he would return and eat some of the meat from the ribs . " Never mind ! never mind cried the Turtle . " I 'll come down and help you . " So he crawled down the tree , and , reaching over , grabbed the little Coyote by the topknot , and by much struggling he was able to climb up . When they got to the top of the tree the Turtle said , " There , now , help yourself . " " My friend , " said the Turtle , " do you see that drop of water gleaming in the sun at the end of that branch of this pine tree ? " ( It was really pitch . ) " Now , I have lived in the tops of trees so much that I know where to go . Trees have springs . Look at that . " The little Coyote started . He trembled and was unsteady on his legs , but managed to get half way . " Is it here ? " he called , turning round and looking back . So he cautiously stepped a little farther . The branch was swaying dreadfully . He turned his head , and just as he was saying , " Is it here ? " he lost his balance and fell plump to the ground , striking so hard on the tough earth that he was instantly killed . " There , you wretched beast ! " said the old Turtle with a sigh of relief and satisfaction . " Ingenuity enabled me to kill a deer . Ingenuity enabled me to retain the deer . " Blue Corn Maiden was the prettiest of the corn maiden sisters . The Pueblo People loved her very much , and loved the delicious blue corn that she gave them all year long . Not only was Blue Corn Maiden beautiful , but she also had a kind and gentle spirit . She brought peace and happiness to the People of the Pueblos . One cold winter day , Blue Corn Maiden went out to gather firewood . This was something she would not normally do . While she was out of her adobe house , she saw Winter Katsina . Winter Katsina is the spirit who brings the winter to the Earth . He wore his blueand - white mask and blew cold wind with his breath . But when Winter Katsina saw Blue Corn Maiden , he loved her at once . He invited her to come to his house , and she had to go with him . Inside his house , he blocked the windows with ice and the doorway with snow and made Blue Corn Maiden his prisoner . Although Winter Katsina was very kind to Blue Corn Maiden and loved her very much , she was sad living with him . She wanted to go back to her own house and make the blue corn grow for the People of the Pueblos . Winter Katsina went out one day to do his duties , and blow cold wind upon the Earth and scatter snow over the mesas and valleys . While he was gone , Blue Corn Maiden pushed the snow away from the doorway , and went out of the house to look for the plants and foods she loved to find in summer . Under all the ice and snow , all she found was four blades of yucca . When the fire was started , the snow in the doorway fell away and in walked Summer Katsina . Summer Katsina carried in one hand fresh corn and in the other many blades of yucca . He came toward his friend Blue Corn Maiden . Just then , Winter Katsina stormed through the doorway followed by a roar of winter wind . Winter Katsina carried an icicle in his right hand , which he held like a flint knife , and a ball of ice in his left hand , which he wielded like a hand - axe . It looked like Winter Katsina intended to fight with Summer Katsina . As Winter Katsina blew a blast of cold air , Summer Katsina blew a warm breeze . When Winter Katsina raised his icicle - knife , Summer Katsina raised his bundle of yucca leaves , and they caught fire . The fire melted the icicle . Fish - Hawk lived down at Pit River . When Sun traveled in winter , he left his daughter at home , but he carried her about with him in summer . Sun did not want his daughter to marry any poor person , but a great man , like Pine - Marten , Wolf , or Coyote . Fish - Hawk got angry at Sun because he talked in this way of poor people , so he started and went down to the ocean , to Sun 's place , and slipped into the sweat - house . It was winter now , and Sun 's daughter was put away inside the house in a basket . Fish - Hawk stole her , carried her on his back to Coyote 's house , and hid her away . He made the journey in one night . Sun searched everywhere in the air and on the ground , but could not find her . Then he hired all men who were good divers or swimmers to hunt in the water , for he thought she was hidden in the water . All searched until they came to Pit River . One would search part of the way , then another . Kingfisher was the last man to go in search of her . He went along slowly to look where the water was muddy . At last he thought he saw just a bit of something under the water . Then he went over the place carefully again and again . Many people were going along the river , watching these men looking for Sun 's daughter . Kingfisher filled his pipe , smoked , and blew on the water to make it clear , for he was a great shaman . Then he went up in the air and came down over the place . The people were all excited , and thought surely he would find something . He came along slowly , and sat and smoked again , and blew the smoke over the water . Then he rose , rolled up his pipe and tobacco , and put them away . Then he took a long pole , stood over the water , pushed his pole down deep , and speared with it until he got hold of the basket and pulled it out . Old Sun came , untied the basket , took his daughter out , washed her , then put her back . He paid each of the men he had hired . Part of their pay was in shells . Kingfisher said that it was Fish - Hawk who had hidden the basket . Sun put the basket on his back and started home . He was so happy to get his daughter back that he did no harm to Fish - Hawk for stealing her . Sixty little spider children shivered as they slept . Snow had fallen every day for months . All the animals were cold , hungry , and frightened . Food supplies were almost gone . No one knew what to do . Blue jay and Redheaded Woodpecker sang and danced for Silver Gray Fox , who floats above the clouds . Since Silver Gray Fox , the creator , had made the whole world with a song and a dance , Blue jay and Woodpecker hoped to be answered with blue skies . But the snow kept falling . Finally the animals decided to ask Coyote . " Coyote 's been around a long time , almost since the beginning . He might know how to reach Silver Gray Fox . " They went to the cave where Coyote was sleeping , told him their troubles , and asked for help . " Grrrrowwwlll . . . go away , " grumbled Coyote , " and let me think . " Coyote stuck his head into the cold air outside and thought till he caught an idea . He tried singing in little yelps and loud yowls to Silver Gray Fox . Coyote sang and sang , but Silver Gray Fox didn 't listen , or didn 't want to . After all , it was Coyote 's mischief - making when the world was new that had caused Silver Gray Fox to go away beyond the clouds in the first place . Coyote thought he 'd better think some more . Suddenly he saw Spider Woman swinging down on a silky thread from the top of the tallest tree in the forest . " Spider Woman 's been on Earth a long , long time , " Coyote thought . " She 's very wise . I 'll ask her what to do . " Coyote loped over to the tree and lifted his ears to Spider Woman . " Spider Woman , O wise weaver , O clever one , " called Coyote in his sweetest voice , " we 're all cold and hungry . Everyone 's afraid this winter will never end . Silver Gray Fox doesn 't see m to notice . Can you help ? " Spider Woman swayed her shining black body back and forth , back and forth , thinking and thinking , thinking and thinking . Her eight black eyes sparkled when she spoke , " I know how to reach Silver Gray Fox , Coyote , but I 'm not the one for the work . Everyone will have to help . You 'll need my two youngest children , too . They 're little and light as dandelion fluff , and the fastest spinners in my web . " Spider Woman called up to her two littlest ones . Spinnnnnn ! Spinnnnnn ! They came down fast , each spinning on eight little legs , fine , black twin Spider Boys , full of curiosity and fun . Spider Woman said , " My dear little quick ones , are you ready for a great adventure ? " " Yes ! Yes ! " they cried . " We 're ready ! " Spider Woman told them her plan , and the Spider Boys set off with Coyote in the snow . They hadn 't gone far when they met two White - Footed Mouse Brothers rooting around for seeds to eat . Coyote told them Spider Woman 's plan . " Will you help ? " he asked . " Yes ! Yes ! We 'll help ! " they squeaked , and they all traveled the trail towards Mount Shasta until they met Weasel Man looking hungry and even thinner than usual . Coyote told Weasel Man his plan . " Will you help ? " asked Coyote . " Of course , " rasped Weasel Man , joining them on the trail . Before long they came across Red Fox Woman swishing her big fluffy tail through the bushes . " Will you help ? " asked " Of course , I 'll come , " crooned Red Fox Woman . Then Rabbit Woman poked her head out of her hole . " I 'll come too , " she sneezed , shivering despite her thick fur . Meadowlark wrapped a winter shawl around her wings , and trudged after the others along the trail to the top of Mount Shasta . The snow had stopped , but the sky was still cloudy . On top of Mount Shasta , Coyote barked , " Will our two best archers step forward ? " The two White Footed Mouse Brothers proudly lifted their bows . " Everyone listen , " barked Coyote . " If any one of us is only half - hearted , Spider Woman 's plan will fail . To get through the clouds to Silver Gray Fox , we must each share our powers whole - heartedly , our thoughts , our dreams , our strength , and our songs . Now , you White - Footed Mouse Brothers , I want you to shoot arrows at exactly the same spot in the sky . " Turning to the others , Coyote said , " Spider Boys , start spinning spider silk as fast as you can . Weasel Man , White - Footed Mouse Brothers , Red Fox Woman , Rabbit Woman , and I will sing and make music . We must sing with all our might or the Spider Boys won 't make it . " " One ! " called Coyote . Everyone got ready . " Two ! " The animals drew in deep breaths . The Mouse Brothers pulled back their bowstrings . " Three ! " Two arrows shot straight up and stuck at the same spot in the clouds . " Whiff wiff ! Wiff wiff ! " sang the White Footed Mouse Brothers . " Yiyipyipla ! " sang Red Fox Woman . " Wowooooolll ! " sang Coyote . Rabbit Woman shook her magic rattle . Weasel Man beat his very old and worn elk - hide drum . The Spider Boys hurled out long lines of spider silk , weaving swiftly with all their legs . The animals sang up a whirlwind of sound to lift the spider silk until it caught on the arrows in the clouds . Then the Spider Twins scurried up the lines of silk and scrambled through the opening . All the while , down below , the animals continued singing , rattling and drumming . The little Spiders sank , breathless , onto the clouds . Silver Gray Fox spied them and called out , " What are you two doing here ? " The Spider Boys bent low on their little legs and answered , " O Silver Gray Fox , we bring greetings from our mother , Spider Woman , and all the creatures of the world below . We 've come to ask if you 'd please let the sun shine again . The whole world is cold . Everyone is hungry . Everyone is afraid spring will not return , ever . " They were so sincere and polite that Silver Gray Fox became gentler , and asked , " How did you two get up here ? " The Spider Boys said " Listen , can you hear the people singing ? Can you hear the drum and rattle ? " Silver Gray Fox heard the drum and rattle and the people singing . When the Spider Boys finished telling their story , Silver Gray Fox was pleased . " I 'm happy when creatures use their powers together . I 'm especially glad to hear Coyote 's been helping too . Your mother , Spider Woman , made a good plan . To reward all your hard work , I 'll create a sign to show that the skies will clear . And you two may help . " First picture the sun shining bright , " called Silver Gray Fox . The Spider Boys thought hard and saw the sun sending out fiery rays in all directions . " Now , where sun - rays meet the damp air , " sang Silver Gray Fox , Picture a stripe of red , Red as Woodpecker 's head , Add a stripe nearby of bluest Blue Jay blue . The Spider Boys thought hard , and great stripes appeared of red and blue . Silver Gray Fox chanted , Now in between , Add stripes of orange , yellow and green ! The Spider Boys thought hard . Then , dazzling their eyes , a beautiful bright arc of colors curved across the whole sky above the clouds . It was the very first rainbow . Meanwhile , down below , beneath the clouds , the animals and people were so cold , hungry , and tired that they had stopped singing and drumming . Spider Woman missed her two youngest children . Each day she missed them more . She blamed Coyote for the trouble . So did the other animals . Coyote slipped away silent , lonely and sad . Above , on the clouds , the Twins rested . Their legs ached and their minds were tired . Silver Gray Fox said , " You did what I asked and kept it secret . That 's very difficult , so I 'm giving you a special reward . On wet mornings , when the sun starts to shine , you 'll see what I mean . " Then the Spider Boys spun down to Earth , and ran back to their mother as fast as they could . Spider Woman cried for joy and wrapped all her legs around her two littlest children . Their fifty - eight sisters and brothers jumped up and down with happiness . All the animals gathered around to hear the Spiders story . When they finished , the Spider Boys cried , " Look up ! " Everyone looked up . The clouds had drifted apart . There , bridging sky to earth in a radiant arch , was the very first rainbow . Sun began to warm the earth . Shoots of grass pushed up through the melting snow . Meadowlark blew her silver whistle of spring across the valley , calling streams and rivers awake . Coyote came out of hiding , raced to a distant hilltop , and gave a long , long howl of joy . The animals held a great feast to honor the rainbow , Silver Gray Fox , Spider Woman , the Spider Twins , Coyote , and the hard work everyone had done together . To this day , after the rain , when the sun comes out , dewdrops on spider webs shine with tiny rainbows . This is the spiders ' special reward . You can see for yourself . In the beginning all was water . In all directions the sky was clear and unobstructed . A cloud formed in the sky , grew lumpy , and turned into Coyote . Then a fog arose , grew lumpy , and became Silver - Fox . They became persons . Then they thought . They thought a canoe , and they said , " Let us stay here , let us make it our home . " Then they floated about , for many years they floated ; and the canoe became old and mossy , and they grew weary of it . " Do you go and lie down , " said Silver - Fox to Coyote , and he did so . While he slept , Silver - Fox combed his hair , and the combings he saved . When there was much of them , he rolled them in his hands , stretched them out , and flattened them between his hands . When he had done this , he laid them upon the water and spread them out , till they covered all the surface of the water . Then he thought , " There should be a tree , " and it was there . And he did the same way with shrubs and with rocks , and weighted the film down with stones , so that the film did not wave and rise in ripples as it floated in the wind . And thus he made it , that it was just right , this that was to be the world . And then the canoe floated gently up to the edge , and it was the world . Then he cried to Coyote , " Wake up ! We are going to sink ! " Still all the time he knew ; but he denied that he had made the world . He did not want Coyote to know that the world was his creation . Then Silver - Fox said , " What shall we do ? Here is solid ground . I am going ashore , and am going to live here . " So they landed , and built a sweat - house and lived in it . They thought about making people ; and after a time , they made little sticks of service - berry , and they thrust them all about into the roof of the house on the inside . And by and by all became people of different sorts , birds and animals and fish , all but the deer , and he was as the deer are today . And Pine - Marten was the chief of the people ; and Eagle was the woman chief , for she was Pine - Marten 's sister . And this happened at ' texcag - wa [ the word will not translate ] . And people went out to hunt from the sweat - house . And they killed deer , and brought them home , and had plenty to eat . Arrows with pine - bark points were what they used then , it is said , for there was no obsidian . And Ground - Squirrel , of all the people , he only knew where obsidian could be found . So he went to steal it . To Medicine Lake he went , for there Obsidian - Old - Man lived , in a big sweat - house . And Ground - Squirrel went in , taking with him roots in a basket of tules . And he gave the old man some to eat ; and he liked them so much , that he sent Ground - Squirrel out to get more . But while he was digging them Grizzly - Bear came , and said , " Sit down ! Let me sit in your lap . Feed me those roots by handfuls . " Ground - Squirrel went back to the sweat - house , but had few roots , for Grizzly - Bear had eaten so many . Then he gave them to the old man , and told him what the bear had said about him , and how he had robbed him of the roots . Then Obsidian - Old - Man was angry . " Tomorrow we will go , " he said , Then they slept . So Ground - Squirrel sat down , and fed Grizzly - Bear roots by the handful . But Obsidian - Old - Man had come near . And Grizzly - Bear got up to fight , and he struck at the old man ; but he turned his side to the blow , and Grizzly - Bear merely cut off a great slice of his own flesh . And he kept on fighting , till he was all cut to pieces , and fell dead . Then Ground - Squirrel and Obsidian - Old - Man went home to the sweat - house , and built a fire , and ate the roots , and were happy . Then the old man went to sleep . In the morning Obsidian - Old - Man woke up , and heard Ground - Squirrel groaning . He said , " I am sick . I am bruised because that great fellow sat upon me . Really , I am sick . " Then Obsidian - Old - Man was sorry , but Ground - Squirrel was fooling the old man . After a while the old man said , " I will go and get wood . I 'll watch him , for perhaps he is fooling me . These people are very clever . " When the old man came back , he carried a heavy load of wood ; and as soon as he entered the sweat - house , he missed Ground - Squirrel . So he dropped the wood and ran after him . He almost caught him , when Ground - Squirrel ran into a hole , and , as he went , kicked the earth into the eyes of the old man , who dug fast , trying to catch him . Ground - Squirrel crossed the river and left his load of arrow - points , and came back to the house and sat down in his seat . He and Cocoon slept together . Then his friend said , " Where have you been ? " And Weasel saw this , and they told him about how the knife had been secured . In the morning Ground - Squirrel went and brought back the bundle of points he had hidden , and handed it down through the smoke - hole to Wolf . Then he poured out the points on the ground , and distributed them to every one , and all day long people worked , tying them onto arrows . So they threw away all the old arrows with bark points ; and when they went hunting , they killed many deer . A long time ago , when the Indians were first made , one man lived alone , far from any others . He did not know fire , and so he lived on roots , bark , and nuts . This man became very lonely for companionship . But when he heard the stranger 's voice , his heart was glad , and he looked up . He saw a beautiful woman with long light hair ! " Come to me , " he whispered . But she did not , and when he tried to approach her , she moved farther away . He sang to her about his loneliness , and begged her not to leave him . He promised that he would try his very best . So she led him to a place where there was some very dry grass . " Now get two dry sticks , " she told him , " and rub them together fast while you hold them in the grass . " Soon a spark flew out . The grass caught fire , and as swiftly as an arrow takes flight , the ground was burned over . Then the beautiful woman spoke again : " When the sun sets , take me by the hair and drag me over the burned ground . " " You must do what I tell you to do , " said she . " Wherever you drag me , something like grass will spring up , and you will see something like hair coming from between the leaves . Soon seeds will be ready for your use . " As Creator listened , the sound kept coming closer and closer until it finally it was right in front of Creator . " Who are you ? " asked Creator . " I am the spirit of the drum " was the reply . I have come here to ask you to allow me to take part in this wonderful thing . " " How will you take part ? " Creator questioned . " I would like to accompany the singing of the people . When they sing from their hearts , I will to sing as though I was the heartbeat of Mother Earth . In that way , all creation will sing in harmony . " Creator granted the request , and from then on , the drum accompanied the people 's voices . Throughout all of the indigenous peoples of the world , the drum is the center of all songs . It is the catalyst for the spirit of the songs to rise up to the Creator so that the prayers in those songs reach where they were meant to go . At all times , the sound of the drum brings completeness , awe , excitement , solemnity , strength , courage , and the fulfillment to the songs . It is Mother 's heartbeat giving her approval to those living upon her . It draws the eagle to it , who carries the message to Creator . One day , when Keoonik was in swimming , Ableegumooch ran off with a string of eels he had left on the shore . Keoonik rushed out of the water and went in angry pursuit . He had no difficulty in tracking the rabbit , for the mark of the fish , touching the ground between jumps , clearly showed the way . He was astonished , however , when the trail ended at a clearing in the woods where a withered old woman sat by a small fire . Obligingly , Keoonik went off to do so . Returning with the wood , he stared around in surprise . The old woman was gone . On the spot where she had sat , he saw the mark of a rabbit 's haunches , and familiar paw - prints leading away in to the woods . Then he remembered that Ableegumooch was very clever at changing his appearance and fooling people . " Oh , that miserable rabbit ! " cried Keoonik and set off again on the trail . This time the tracks led straight to a village of the Penobscot Indians , where Keoonik could see the rabbit in conversation with a thin sad man wearing the feather of a Chief in his hair string . The wily otter cut himself a stout stick and waited behind a tree . Presently , Ableegumooch came strolling down the path , his face creased in an absent - minded frown . " All right , " he agreed . " We 'll have a truce , " and they shook hands solemnly . Then they started back to the village to ask the Chief what they might do to help , but when they were still some way off they saw two other animals talking to him . These were Uskoos the Weasel and Abukcheech the Mouse , two animals so troublesome even their own families would have nothing to do with them . " Shhh ! Let 's think about it a little , Keoonik . Have you any idea how those two get their living ? They sleep all day and go hunting only after dark . " " Well , but listen , " said the rabbit . " All the fur robes in the camp have been chewed and scratched and spoiled . What animals chew and scratch wherever they go ? " " The smaller ones will be afraid to say no to us , " declared Uskoos . " We will use trickery on the others . We will tell them the Penobscots plan to destroy all the animals in the land , and we must unite in order to defend ourselves . " " Come on , " whispered Keoonik , but the rabbit only crouched where he was , tense and unmoving . The fact is , he wanted to sneeze ! Ableegumooch wanted to sneeze more than he ever wanted to sneeze in his life before , but he mustn 't sneeze - - the sound would give them away . So he tried and he tried to hold that sneeze back . He pressed his upper lip , he grew red in the face , and his eyes watered - - but nothing was any good . " I have a better plan , " said Uskoos . " These two will be our first recruits . " Then he told the prisoners they must become members of his band , or be killed . Poor Ableegumooch . Poor Keoonik . They did not wish to die , yet they could never do as the thieves wished , for the Penobscots were their friends . Ableegumooch opened his mouth , meaning to defy the villains no matter what the consequences , and then his mouth snapped shut . He had heard a strange sound , the sound of a flute piping far away , and he knew what it was . It was the magic flute of Glooscap , and the Great Chief was sending him a message . Into the rabbit 's head popped the memory of something Glooscap had said to him once long ago , half in fun , half in earnest . " Ableegumooch , " he seemed to hear the words again , " the best way to catch a snake is to think like a snake ! " At once the rabbit understood . He set himself to think like the mice and the weasels , feeling the greed and selfishness that was in them . Then he had a plan . " Very well , " he said , " we will join you . Those Indians are certainly very cruel and dishonest . They deserve the worst that can happen to them . Why , only yesterday " - - and here he gave Keoonik a secret nudge - - " my friend and I saw them hide away a great store of food in a secret place . Didn 't we , Keoonik ? " Abukcheech the Mouse was right at their heels , but Uskoos soon shouldered him aside . Then each animal fought to be in front , and in this way all rushed through the forest , across the meadows , down into the valleys and over the hills , until at last - - pushing and panting and grunting - - they all reached the bottom of a grassy hill . Ableegumooch pointed to a pile of rocks at the top . Away they all went , each struggling to be first . The rabit and the otter stood aside and watched as the wild mob scrambled up the hill - - up and up until suddenly , too late to stop , they found themselves teetering on the edge of a cliff , with nothing in front of them but space , and the sea far below . Those who were first tried to stop but were pushed over by those crowding behind - - and so , screaming with terror , down they all went , headlong into the sea . " That 's for the knock on the head ! " the rabbit laughed , and made for the woods . Picking himself up furiously , Keoonik was after him , shouting , " Just wait till I catch you , I 'll teach you to play tricks ! " Their truce was over . There was once a Malicete Indian village on the edge of a lake in the land of the Wabanaki , and in this village lived three sisters . The two older girls , Oona and Abit , were handsome and proud , but the youngest , whom they called Oochigeas , was timid and plain . She suffered much from the selfishness of her sisters , but bore all their ill - treatment without complaint . Because these girls had no parents , they were given meat by the tribe 's hunters in return for making pottery . Through much practice , they had become the best makers of pots in the village . And this is how they made them . First Oona , the eldest , wove a basket from ash splints , then Abit lined it with wet clay . Finally , it was given to the youngest girl to harden in the fire . As the clay slowly baked , the wind blew the fire into Oochigeas ' face , and in time her hair was singed close to her head and her face covered with burns . And that is why her sisters mocked her with the name of Oochigeas , which means " little scarred one . " Now Glooscap the Great Chief knew all his People . He saw the misery of Oochigeas and pitied her , and he scowled at the cruelty of her sisters , yet he did nothing . And this was something that Marten , his servant , could not understand . " We will see , " said the Great Chief with a wise nod . " Oochigeas must help herself first . Kindness is a great virtue , but courage is the first rule of my People . " Now on the far side of the lake , remote from the village , there lived an Indian youth called Team , who had the wonderful power of making himself invisible . To all save his sister he was as the rustle of a leaf in the forest , a sigh of wind in the treetops , or a breath of air in the heavens . His name meant " moose " and the moose was his totem , or charm , that gave him his power . Having this magical power , Team needed no bow and arrow . He could walk straight up to game , without being seen or heard , and slay it with his bare hands . One day , Team 's sister appeared in the village . Now , though no person had seen Team , or knew if he was tall or short , fat or thin , plain or handsome , yet they knew of his magic power and his great success in hunting . To the Indians , who live by hunting , a brave who can keep meat in his lodge all the time is admired above all others . He is a kind of prince . It is no wonder that every maiden in the village yearned to become the bride of the Invisible Boy . All the unmarried maidens were eager to try their fortune and , one after another , each made a visit to the lodge across the lake . And , one after another , each came back disappointed . At last , all had made the attempt except the three Sisters . " You indeed ! " sniffed Abit . " I 'm as likely to see him as you are . Why should you go first ? " " I am the eldest ! " " Team is sure to want a younger woman ! " " You needn 't think I shall let you go alone , " declared Oona angrily . " Then we 'll go together , " said Abit . And so they did . Dressing themselves in their finest robes , they set off for the lodge across the lake . Team 's sister received them kindly and took them to the wigwam to rest after their journey . Then , when it was time for her brother 's return , she led them to the shore . " Do you see my brother ? " she asked . The two girls gazed eagerly out over the lake . They saw a canoe approaching , but though it moved swiftly through the water , it appeared to be empty ! No paddle could be seen , for whatever Team held or wore became also invisible . Abit thought to herself that she would pretend to see him , and Team 's sister would never know the difference . " I see him ! " she cried . And Oona , not to be outdone , echoed , " Yes ! I see him too ! " Team 's sister knew that at least one of the girls lied , for only one maiden would be allowed to see her brother and that would be his future bride . " Of what is his shoulder strap made ? " she asked . The two girls thought for a moment . They knew that , generally , Indians used rawhide or withe for their shoulder straps . " A strip of rawhide , " guessed Abit . " No - - withe ! " cried Oona . Then Team 's sister knew that neither had seen her brother and she resolved to punish them for their dishonesty . " Very well , " she said quietly . " Come to the wigwam and help me prepare my brother 's supper . " The two girls were anxious to know which of them had given the correct answer , so they followed Team 's sister and helped her prepare the meal . Each hoped that she alone would see Team when he came . When all was ready , the sister of Team warned the girls not to sit in her brother 's place but to remain on her side of the fire . Then , looking up , she greeted her brother , but the girls could see no one . " Take my brother 's load of meat , " she told Abit , who looked around her in dismay . As long as the meat was on Team 's shoulder , it could not be seen . Suddenly , a great load of venison dropped from nowhere on Abit 's toes . Abit screamed and ran from the lodge in pain and fright . Now Team 's sister told Oona to remove her brother 's wet moccasins and put them to dry . Of course Oona could not do so . A pair of wet moccasins came suddenly sailing through the air and slapped her across the face . Then Oona too ran away , crying with mortification . " My bride is a long time coming , " sighed Team . " And those were very fine looking girls . " " Patience , my brother . You must have one who is brave and truthful , as well as lovely , and such a one has not come yet . " Abit and Oona returned home to vent their rage and spite on poor Oochigeas . To escape their cruelty , she fled to the woods and there , in a secluded spot , relieved her heart with tears . But when there were no tears left , and her spirit had been calmed by the peace of the forest , Oochigeas began to think . Now that her sisters had failed , she was the only maid left in the village who had not tried to see the Invisible Boy . Yet , if her fine sisters had failed , what chance had she , poor and plain as she was ? A great hunter like Team would not wish a scar - faced girl like Oochigeas for a bride . All the same , hope stirred in her breast . Her heart began to beat fast at the thought of going to Team 's lodge . She had no fine clothes to wear . Her sisters might try to stop her . The people would laugh . It would take courage . Her mind was made up ! Oochigeas gathered sheets of birch bark and cut out a gown and cap and leggings , and sewed them together with grass . The clothing was stiff and awkward , and it crackled when she walked , but it covered her . Then she went home and found a pair of Oona 's discarded moccasins . They were huge on her small feet and she had to tie them on by winding the strings around her ankles . She was truly an odd - looking sight , and her two sisters stared at her in amazement . " Where are you going in that ridiculous outfit ? " Oona asked . " I am going to Team 's lodge , " answered Oochigeas . " What ! You foolish girl ! Come back ! " " Oh , let her go , " said Abit . " Let the people see her and she 'll come back soon enough , in tears . " Oochigeas ' way lay through the village , and the men and boys shouted and jeered at her . " Shame , shame ! " " Ugly creature ! " " See how her burned hair sticks out from her cap ! " " Why does she wear birch bark instead of skins ? " " Come back , Oochigeas . Where do you think you 're going ? To see Team ? " And they laughed so hard they rolled on the ground . But , though her heart burned with shame , Oochigeas pretended not to hear , and walked on with her head high , until she was out of their sight . Then she hurried through the woods and around the edge of the lake , trying not to think of the ordeal ahead . Doubtless Team 's sister would laugh at her too . Still she went on , and came at last to the lodge and saw Team 's sister at the door . " I have come , " gasped Oochigeas before the other could speak , " I have come - - to see Team - - if I can . " And she looked pleadingly at Team 's sister . " Come in and rest , " said the sister of Team gently , and Oochigeas nearly wept at the unexpected kindness , but she managed to retain her dignity as they waited in silence for the sun to go down . Then Team 's sister led her to the lake . " Do you see my brother ? " she asked . Oochigeas looked and saw a canoe , empty . She heard the dip of a paddle and the swish of the water at the bow , but though she gazed with all her might , she saw no one . She whispered with a sinking heart , " No , I cannot see him . " " Oh ! Yes ! Now I see him ! " " If you see him , " said Team 's sister quickly , " of what is his shoulder strap made ? " " Why it is made of a rainbow , " marveled Oochigeas , and Team 's sister knew her brother had found his bride . She led the girl back to the wigwam and stripped off her ugly clothes , bathed her , and dressed her in doeskin , then gave her a comb to tidy her hair . " Alas , " thought Oochigeas , " I have so little hair to comb , " but as she drew the comb against her head , she found to her amazement that her hair had grown suddenly long and thick . Moreover , the scars had gone from her face . She was beautiful ! Then the handsome Team came , laughing , and crying out , " At last I 've found you , my lovely bride . " And he led her to the wife 's place in the wigwam . And from that day on , Oochigeas and Team , and Team 's sister , lived out their days in peace and happiness . Far away on Blomidon , Glooscap looked at Marten with a wise smile . He had known all along , you see , that Oochigeas had courage under her gentleness , and a brave spirit makes all things possible . And so it happened . Remember , in those days the beaver were very , very big . And they had built a dam across the Restigouche River . That is why the salmon could not get up the river to spawn . So they held a council with all the people . They said that they didn 't want to rely on Glooscap . They decided they would go out in their canoes to fight the beavers . The men got in their canoes but when they got close to the beavers , they splashed the water with their huge tails . The canoes and the men went flying up into the air and fell into the water . They could not get past the beavers in order to destroy the dam . The beavers were just too big . So Glooscap walked to the middle of the dam and hit it with his club . When he hit the dam , parts of it flew away . One of these parts became an island . It is now called Heron Island . Another part that flew away is now called Bantry Point . Glooscap caught the leader of the beavers and swung him around and around by his tail . When Glooscap let go , the beaver landed many miles away and turned into rock . Today , that rock is called Sugarloaf Mountain . Glooscap then turned to the other beavers . They were afraid , so instead , he stroked their heads . And with each stroke , they became smaller and smaller , until they reached the size they are today . Glooscap promised the people that the beavers in New Brunswick would never grow that big again . The beavers will not build a dam so big that it stops the salmon from getting through . The people will never have to worry about that problem again . Long ago , the Creator made and gave many gifts to man to help him during his life . The Creator made the lives of the Abenaki People very good , with plenty of food to gather , grow , and hunt . The Maple tree at that time was one of these very wonderful and special gifts from the Creator . The sap was as thick and sweet as honey . All you had to do was to break the end off of a branch and the syrup would flow out . In these days Gluskabe would go from native village to village to keep an eye on the People for the Creator . One day Gluskabe came to an abandoned village . The village was in disrepair , the fields were over - grown , and the fires had gone cold . He wondered what had happened to the People . He looked around and around , until he heard a strange sound . As he went towards the sound he could tell that it was the sound of many people moaning . The moaning did not sound like people in pain but more like the sound of contentment . As he got closer he saw a large stand of beautiful maple trees . As he got closer still he saw that all the people were lying on their backs under the trees with the end of a branch broken off and dripping maple syrup into their mouths . The maple syrup had fattened them up so much and made them so lazy that they could barely move . Gluskabe told them to get up and go back to their village to re - kindle the fires and to repair the village . But the people did not listen . They told him that they were content to lie there and to enjoy the maple syrup . When Gluskabe reported this to the Creator , it was decided that it was again time that man needed another lesson to understand the Creator 's ways . The Creator instructed Gluskabe to fill the maple trees with water . So Gluskabe made a large bucket from birch bark and went to the river to get water . He added water , and added more water until the sap was that like water . Some say he added a measure of water for each day between moons , or nearly 30 times what it was as thick syrup . After a while the People began to get up because the sap was no longer so thick and sweet . They asked Gluskabe " where has our sweet drink gone ? " He told them that this is the way it will be from now on . Gluskabe told them that if they wanted the syrup again that they would have to work hard to get it . The sap would flow sweet only once a year before the new year of spring . The People were shown that making syrup would take much work . Birch bark buckets would need to be made to collect the sap . Wood would be needed to be gathered to make fires to heat rocks , and the rocks would be needed to be put into the sap to boil the water out to make the thick sweet syrup that they once were so fond of . He also told them that they could get the sap for only a short time each year so that they would remember the error of their ways . |
I don 't know why it didn 't work . I 'm devastated , it was my last chance and I blew it . Maybe I am stupid and worthless , I can 't get anything right . Maybe he knows me better than I know myself . He always calls me " stupid " and " stupid cow " and when he whips me he calls me " stupid whore " . Today I believe him . I am a stupid cow . It was the only opportunity I 've had since he took me . Bodyguards watch my every movement . My multi - lingual assistant goes into the bathroom with me when I 'm away from home . No piece of paper or pen or knife , for that matter , is ever permitted to be in my rooms . So I can 't even write HELP in my own blood . My phone is hooked to his , I don 't know how that works but it is . Everything I send out is translated and examined . I 'm permitted ten minutes of telephone time to my family every Sunday . My assistant listens to every word and signs them to a video hookup . I 'm so afraid of him , he is unspeakably cruel . I won 't go into detail as I don 't want those words and images to be forever linked to my name . He lives to torture me . My ass is branded and scarred , bikini bottoms hide it . My perfect body , used by him however he wants . Images of me in skimpy clothing is staged by him and sent out to make other men want me . Only he can have me . I am his like his jet is his , like his hotels are his , like his persona is his . I was told I had to speak in front of the convention , in front of the cameras , the thousands of people . I was terrified . Terrified to do something wrong , to do something stupid , to be so exposed . I was given a speech , written by his employees . A white dress was made for me . White because it symbolized the wedding dress he had made me wear those years ago . And made for me to pretend to hide my body and make it seem demure while showcasing my ass for those he wanted to have see it . He is so smart and so diabolical . He knows it hurts me to be paraded like that , it gives him pleasure to hurt me . I took the only opportunity I 've had in years . I asked for tapes of former First Ladies in their convention speeches for their husbands ' Presidential runs . I watched Nancy Reagan , Barbara and Laura Bush , Rosalynn Carter , and Michelle Obama . I asked for the latter two by saying I wanted to watch the other side to avoid what they had done . Because he thinks the other side is totally stupid and inept . It made him happy that I was thinking that way . He petted me and spanked me only with his hand . I watched the tapes over and over , my assistant grew tired of watching me watch tapes . She finally slept . I watched Michelle over and over and over and I memorized her words . I stayed up all the night learning them . I then put Nancy Reagan 's tape in the machine so that it would be the one found . I spoke at the convention . I read the words from the teleprompter and did my best to enunciate , to stand up straight , to speak of my husband in honeyed tones . I had the crowd right with me . I looked beautiful , poised , confident ; everything that had been beaten out of me came back in those few moments . And when it came time I went off script , Michelle 's words in my mouth , hope in my heart . It was the only thing I could think of to let anyone know something was terribly wrong , for his wife to speak the words of his second greatest enemy . I knew I would be saved , someone would figure out what I had done . I would be rescued , saved . I would be freed , my parents would be freed . We could live again . But I was stupid . A couple of months ago , in my eating healthy mode , I suddenly experienced the overwhelming feeling of needing to shovel fattening food into my mouth at an alarming rate . Not this again , shit ! Or , not this shit again ! I had been doing so well for a week or three . I had lost what I had gained from my last feeding frenzy and I was almost at a good number . Not good number as in my goal weight , oh no , but good number in that I was down from the shame zone . So , my mind was racing as to what was in the house . We had nuts , cheese , milk , chocolate , pasta , avocados , and honey . We didn 't have pan dulces from the Mexican market ; not the ones stuffed with cheese and jalapenos , or the sweet ones with cream and a chocolate glaze . I 'm starting to make myself hungry now so I 'll get on with it . I had the flash of insight to ask this aspect of my self who it was . Immediately the answer came back ' Susie ' . That shocked me , I didn 't expect any answer at all . It really was a rhetorical question . How old are you ? and the answer came back ' 6 ' . I said you can 't be 6 , I think you must be more like 2 . Oops how rude of me , telling my little inner self how old it was . I asked another question and got this answer . ' I am not gonna talk to anybody who doesn 't love me . ' And I knew she meant love her totally , completely , freely . I wanted to lure her back , it was such an unexpectedly beautiful connection with my inner self that I wanted more . I felt that she was shy and didn 't trust me . I needed to make a space where we could communicate safely so I imagined a dense forest with a clearing by a stream . I lay down on the grass in the clearing and relaxed , watching the clouds go by . I hoped that Susie would come to the edge of the forest and talk with me . But she didn 't . I thought of that peaceful place often over the next few days but there was no sign of her . One day I went to the market for tomatoes and mushrooms . As I got back into my car I thought of a former friend who lived a few doors from the market and worried that he would come out of his house and see me . I wondered what I would say to him , would I be polite but closed or ignore him altogether ? I had the thought what would you do , Susie ? Immediately she ran out from behind a tree , all fists , and elbows , and fury . She ran right up to him and kicked him really hard in the shin and then ran straight back into the forest and disappeared . It all happened in a second . I was so surprised I sat in my car and howled with laughter until tears were coming out of my eyes . I fell in love with her completely in that moment . I told my friend about her . My friend had also named her inner child but with a beautiful name , Leah Mariposa . Leah was her Hebrew name and Mariposa ( butterfly ) was her childhood street . I wanted Susie to have a better name but my childhood street was LeMoyne and I didn 't have a Hebrew name . So she became Susie Q . When I told my friend her name she said that was what she used to call me all those 50 years ago , Susie Q . So I went on youtube and listened to different versions of the old song ' Oh Susie Q ' . My favorite of them was by Jose Feliciano and was a little too sexy but otherwise perfect . So I sang his version of ' Oh Susie Q ' in my head every day for awhile . Since I fell in love with her I haven 't felt the urge to binge eat . There have been a couple of stirrings but nothing like the tide - going - out almost impossible to resist feeling it was before . Once in awhile I have a craving for an ice cream and I have one , lingering over the sensuality of every bite and thoroughly enjoying it . And then having a healthy dinner later instead of continuing a binge . This is huge for me , something I have never been able to do . I would binge or be strictly healthy , black or white , a very bi - polar way of eating . One bite of a salted cashew had been enough to send me into a full out binge that could last one day or two weeks . Now it 's very different and much more peaceful . Thank you Susie Q . I haven 't lost many pounds but I figure that will all take care of itself over time . I have started taking walks in the morning hoping to hurry it up just a teensy bit . Of course I 've told my therapist all of this , she encourages me to do all of this and asks for more . She wants the name of the rational part of myself who makes the wise decisions and I told her Socrates . She got me thinking about all the aspects of me and who is in charge of what . That 's what this bit of writing is about today , to riff on that theme for a bit . Okay , so the one in charge of me is Susan . I 'm the one who owns a lot of the brain space and the one who is typing right now . I 'm like the Chairman of the Board with lots of different departments weighing in or just silently and stealthily influencing my decisions and my world . I 'll attempt to call a meeting and see who shows up . Wish me luck . The first committee to arrive is The Republican Party , which is made up of The Church Lady AKA Prudence Ursula Claxton . She holds the line on the rules and makes sure they aren 't broken . She bases all of her decisions on the Holy Word which would be fine but the version she has was interpreted from the original dead language by Roseanne Rosannadanna and her religious aunt Hosanna Rosannadanna . ( These were characters on SNL created by Gilda Radner , look it up , it 's brilliant . ) ( Roseanne and Hosanna also interpreted the Holy Koran but instead of it being 72 raisins , they got confused and said it was 72 virgins . Oh well . ) The Committee on Spiritual Matters is made up of Mr . Rogers ( 1 ) , Anne Lamott ( 2 ) , Marianne Williamson ( 3 ) , and Moms Mabley ( 4 ) . They are the arch enemies of The Republic Party . The CSM represents the voice of love and reason and high ideals and it 's also in charge of the tears that wash Susan clean and keep me going . This committee is also called The Atticus Finch ( 5 ) Brigade . Next is the Department of Internal Affairs which is headed by Susie Q , a 6 year old , freckle faced , wild haired , little poppet . She is the leader of Troop 55 of the Brownies . They live together in the woods without grown - ups . They sleep under the stars the forest canopy and cook over open campfires . They make their furniture out of old newspapers and bottles , things they find in the forest . They are impulsive , willful , and the keepers of the deepest secrets . The Department of Interpersonal Relations is made up of Gladys Kravitz , neighbor of Bewitched 's Samantha , who looks out from behind the curtains of her living room to spy on all the goings on of the neighbors . She judges everyone according to the rules of The Republican Party . Gladys cannot sit near the Committee on Spiritual Matters or she will melt . She is joined by Granny Clampett from The Beverly Hillbillies who sits with a shotgun on her knees in an old rocking chair and protects the boundaries between Susan and the rest of the world . Also in the DIR is Dr . Frankenstein , who writes plays from the info Gladys gleans and tries to make them believable and powerful but they are really mirages . He is best friends with Roseanne R . Search and Rescue is made up of Hannibal of the Alps , who will lead elephants over the snow topped slopes to get supplies in and rescue the troops . Florence Nightingale is his closest ally , she is the one who sounds the alarm when he is needed . Might Mouse is always there to save the day in case the elephants can 't get through . And finally The Monkees , which has three members . Ivan the Gorilla is the embodiment of panic , agoraphobia , and anxiety . He lives in a cage but we all live in fear that he will escape again . His sister is Koko the Gorilla who has been taught sign language so that she can communicate between apes and humans . She is as gentle as Ivan is dangerous and she keeps kittens as pets in her enclosure . She lives next door to Hannibal 's elephants and their amazing swimming pool . And also Bubbles the Chimp whose main job is to feed random obsessive thoughts and memories into the brain machine and think the same thing over and over . ( 5 ) Atticus Finch is the main character in To Kill A Mockingbird . He is wise and kind and just . He will not be moved from his morals and principles . We snuck into the neighbors ' pool last night and I was the first one in . We waited until after dark and should have gone in full commando regalia but the heat made us sloppy . We had already distracted the during - the - week caretakers by loaning them the two videos we had already watched during the worst heat of the day . I believe I heard bits of " True Lies " wafting through their upstairs window . But the rule of silence was still enforced . " No talking and no splashing ! " It was so very hard to obey and the training just took over at that point . I wanted to shout with delight for just the coolness of it and splash them as they sighed with the relief . I walked up the steps and got out . I said time to go and the youngest one said no almost out loud . His training wasn 't deep enough yet to override the screaming NOOOOOOOOO ! of every cell of his body . When my whispered pleas didn 't work , I slithered back into the water and put my mouth up near his ear . " Look , if we don 't get caught we can come back every night but if they catch us tonight this will be the last time , " I told him . " But I want to swim " he said and he showed me just how much by pushing off the side and floating out into deeper water . I knew he meant it because he still has fear of the water and doesn 't easily let go of the side . The older one came to my aid and cajoled the younger to please come . I got out again and stood above him , delicious water running down my body . How wonderful to feel cool . Just then the water snake cleaning automatic thing came toward him and it was as if it was a live guardian out of the depths of the pool . The boy hoisted himself up and out of the cool wetness and we gathered our things . The older one wanted to sit in the deck chairs and relax , wrapped in his towel . Perhaps he had a cruise ship fantasy playing in his head . But the younger was still so water dazed I knew it was too dangerous . We went out the gate and I replaced the stick I had used to pull the loop through the small opening that allowed our entry in the first place . And suddenly I guess it hit us . We had done what we had fantasized for so long and the most rule bound among us had organized it . We started to giggle and had to make a mad dash for it before we collapsed into hysterical laughter at the wonder of our daring and the delight of our cool bodies . We went to three shadows and undressed into towels . I was already planing the next diversion for the caretakers and wondered what other movies they hadn 't seen yet . Three weeks later … We went yesterday . The owners and the weekday caretakers were at a celebration of the passing of an old one and we knew we were relatively safe . We called on the telephone to see if they were truly gone and then , for good measure , I did reconnaissance to see the presence or absence of vehicles . We also called those living nearest the pool and swore them to secrecy . They said go for it and would have joined us but for plans they had already made . The younger one was not with us this time as he was celebrating the aging process of a friend . We knew he would be upset and feel left out but we were not willing to limit our own pleasure to please him . The older one and I had fun getting ready and putting on costumes designed for the water . I put outer garments on over this costume so as to not arouse suspicion as I checked out the autos . I let the older one in through the gate as he couldn 't wait for me to finish the last minute checks . I was confident enough that we were in the clear that I allowed this breach of the rules . It was lovely in the pool even though the weather was not uncomfortably hot . We talked out loud and even splashed a little . I dove under the water and breathed some in . Even now I can call up the taste of the chemicals used in the pool to kill off small life forms . At one point I had us out and ready to leave and did the delicious thing of initiating us back into the pool for another round of swimming . There was even more pleasure the second time . My heart goes out this morning to the owner of Pulse nightclub in Orlando , Florida whose name is Barbara Poma . She opened Pulse in honor of her brother who died of AIDS in 1991 . I 'm heartbroken thinking of her . My brother died of AIDS in 1993 . I can relate to her pain when she lost her brother , and her pain now . She wanted , in her brother 's memory , to open a place where people could gather and have fun and make connections and be happy . It was a beautiful way to pay tribute to her brother . And now … . I can 't say it , no words suffice . I was moved to add this essay that I wrote in 1994 in honor of my brother . I guess to use it as some cosmic transmitter to send love to her and all the victims and survivors of this terrible event . HOSPITAL RIDES I remember another night like this , very much like this , years ago . Randy driving and me riding shotgun , wishing I had the wheel in my hands , anything to distract me . Tonight we have brought with us the little television that plugs into the cigarette lighter . The reception is very poor . I wonder if people in other cars can see that telltale blue glow coming from our car window and what they think about it . We have the news on , Channel 4 . The newscaster 's face and voice come in strong for a moment and then the snow falls behind the screen . Then and now rain pours down , making it hard to see out of the windows . A few miles ago we were only about a minute behind an accident . The police weren 't there yet and the people in the two cars hadn 't even gotten out . But we couldn 't stop . We don 't know how much time we 'll have with him . Randy drives , again too fast . I tell him to slow down , it won 't do us any good to have an accident ourselves . He does slow down for a few minutes and then he speeds up again but I don 't think he 's aware of it at all . At night , when we hold hands as well fall asleep , his grip slowly tightens until my hand feels like it 's in a vise grip . When I pull it out of his grip and he awakens , he has no memory of increasing the pressure . When we made that drive years ago I had towels clutched between my legs . I didn 't know it would be like a river of wet . I had thought it would have been just a little moisture . It was raining outside and I was raining inside the car . I didn 't have any pains yet and it would be many hours before I 'd feel any . But in the car I was glad that it would be over soon and at the same time scared of what was to come . How bad could the pain get , would I be a chicken , how really could I stretch enough for a baby to come out ? It was all so mysterious . This time I 'm not glad it 's almost over , I can 't comprehend that it could almost be over . How can he be dying already ? I talked to him 3 days ago on my birthday and I knew he sounded weak and was a little cranky but dying ? And how do they know that someone only had a couple of hours left and to come now if you want to see him one more time . I 'm scared of what 's ahead , it 's all unknown . We 're over the bridge now and into the bright lights of the city . We join our friends and my sister around the bed where he lays breathing through a mask and holding hands with Javier . He is almost gone as the cassette plays Handel 's Messiah and we talk about his life . I remember his childhood nicknames , Cocoa Bill and the Blue Eyed Chicken . We tell our stories about the times we had with him . His eyes are rolled back and I wonder where he is and what he knows in his morphine fog . Does he hurt ? Does he hear us ? Is his hand gripping tighter on Javier 's as he falls not asleep but adeath ? Again as it was last time , there is a knowing that this is one of the most important moments of my life , that I must remember all that happens so I can carry it with me down through the years . One of my most vivid memories of the last time was of seeing in the mirror Reed 's shoulder and arm coming out of my body , his arm kind of flopping away from his side . I can see it still after all these years . What will I remember so vividly years from now about tonight ? Will it be the rain , the mask , the music , the hand united with his lover ? The last breath in , out , in , and no more ? This time as we drive home we pass only one car on the Golden Gate bridge and I wonder is it some kind of a record . This time there is no baby strapped into a brand new car seat . This time I wrap my hurting heart up in a blanket with my brother and carry my emptiness home . It 's 3 days after Easter and your pumpkins are still on the front steps . Out there for all the world to see ; the early morning walkers like me , kids on their way to school , the mailman on his daily rounds , the handyman mowing the lawn next door . Do you even notice them as you race off to work , buttoning your sweater as you skip down the stairs to your car ? Or in the evening when you come home , tired from a long frustrating day , dragging yourself up to the comfort of cabernet ? Do you know they are rotting there , unobserved by you ? Each day something in them sags a little more , softens slightly . Once they stood proud and firm , just waiting to be made into pie or carved into a scary face . But no , that never happened . There was no flour in the house for pie crust and anyway that day you were dieting . You couldn 't find your sharp knife and you didn 't know what to cut out anyway . Maybe tomorrow . They are melting now , a tiny bit more each day . They were full of possibilities . Now they are accusations . So what can be done about them now ? Well you could pick them up with gloves on in case they are mushy and carry them out to the yard waste can in the alley . But they might fall apart and then you 'd have a real mess and you can 't seem to find those garbage bags you bought last month . You could give them to the neighbor to put into her compost pile . Maybe they would sprout and cover the pile in broad leaves by the middle of summer . But you don 't really know her and you don 't want to impose . Hell , you could throw them at that annoying motorcyclist who likes to go for rides at 1 in the morning and return at 3 , revving his engine the whole time and waking everyone up . But no , you might get arrested and ruin your perfect record . So here they sit , monuments to your indecision , your procrastination , your fear of never doing the right thing . You can just do nothing , let them melt under the summer sun to come . Until , maybe months from now they decompose to the point of you turning on the hose full force and blasting their remains under the nearby bushes . Of course the stain will last , never to be scrubbed clean even with bleach . But you can always put pots on the stains and plant flowers in them that will wither and die due to lack of attention . And next year you can start again with fresh pumpkins and good intentions . I was an avid watcher of the Oprah Winfrey show back in the day . Her first show was broadcast when my son was about 3 years of age and I was a stay - at - home mom . Come to think of it , I gave new meaning to that term . I tuned in every afternoon at 4 o ' clock before I cleaned up the kitchen from the chaos of the day and started to think about dinner . We had a small tv in the kitchen on top of the refrigerator in our huge and uninsulated apartment in an old Victorian mansion . For some reason I decided I would write to her . I used my most treasured stationery that reminded me of my brother who had died of AIDS and who I had loved with all my heart . The paper and matching envelope showed a lone swimmer poised in the air diving into water . It was in muted pastels and so gorgeous . The image expressed something very deep to me . Also I figured it would stand out amongst the pain white envelopes and the occasional pink or green one . Coming home from work a couple of weeks later , I listened to phone messages and almost fell over when a voice said , " Hi Susan , it 's Candy from the Oprah Winfrey Show . We got your letter and we 'd like to fly you to Chicago to tape an episode on the show . Give me a call and we can set up a date " . I saved that message tape and still have it somewhere but of course no way to play it , technology moving right along away from the Dark Ages of message machines with their little silly tapes . I called Candy back and told her I would love to be on the show but that flying to Chicago was so far out of my possibilities that I would have to decline . I wondered if she personally had read my letter where I talked about using my daily walk for exercise to also expand my boundaries on how far away from home I could be without tipping into a panic attack . I had talked about how each day I went a little further , today to the neighbor 's mail box , tomorrow to the driveway past that , before turning back to the safety of home . But I didn 't want to sound rude so I didn 't mention any of that . Candy said they would send a film crew to me . A date was set , and that was that . Well that was all fine and dandy but until then I hadn 't told anyone outside of my immediate family about my anxiety and how limiting it was to my life . I couldn 't have friends learn about it on tv so I had to make some very difficult phone calls in advance . Until that time I had just made up excuses , also known as lies , as to why I couldn 't go to that restaurant or even to their house and I would only meet them at a nearby coffee shop or at my house . It was my grand coming out , with all the nerves and terror you might imagine . I had so much shame about being so limited that I could barely summon the breath to make the grand announcement . It was really hard to do . My heart goes out to every LGBTQ person having to make that phone call or gather the family after dinner . My friends were wonderful and supportive and asked lots of questions and were really there for me . I wish that same response to everyone having to make a difficult exposing declaration to the people that they want to still love them . The day came and a producer and camera person arrived at my home and it was decided that I would walk around the block while they filmed it . Walking around the block had been impossible before then , I would get half way around and have to turn back towards home . But that 's what they wanted and I was determined to do it . First they set up screens to direct the sunlight and I was miked and interviewed on camera . Then they took shots of me behind my screen door looking wistfully out at the world . And then began the walk itself . I live in a very mixed neighborhood . There are old Victorian mansions , some of which in the ' 60s had been cut up into small apartments but since had converted back to single family dwellings . And modest homes were sprinkled in amongst them , mine included . There are lots of old trees and some lovely flower gardens in the front yards . The cameraman knew he could get some great shots . I was very anxious as you might imagine . I worried that I would have a panic attack on camera . I went to do a nervous pee and when I came out of my bathroom the producer told me the mike had picked up the sound of my tinkle and if I needed to use the bathroom again I could ask them to take it off . Well that little tidbit of information made me focus on something even more embarrassing than panicking so off we went , me sighing horrified sighs into my mike . My husband owned a purple convertible at the time and he drove it around the block with the top down while I was walking and being filmed . A friend lived around the block and she came to her window to cheer me on when we passed her house . It was a parade ! I lived through it and they took off my mike , packed up their reflector screens , and left . I was told approximately when the segment would air . We had a viewing party the day it came on and also set the VCR to tape it . It was so weird to see myself on tv . I didn 't sound like me and it 's true that the camera makes you look fatter than you are , at least I hope I don 't look like that in person . It was a very emotional few minutes , to see myself talking about something so personal and shame ridden , and knowing that millions of people might be watching at that moment . It was very freeing to go through that whole experience . It didn 't bring with it a cure and I wasn 't magically transformed into a globe trotting confident marathon runner . But it did change me . Somewhere that tape leans dusty into the tapes of our now almost 34 year old son when he was a little boy . We don 't have any way to play it anymore . I think my husband may have had a DVD made of it for some long ago Christmas present but I can 't imagine where that might be . A few weeks after it aired , I got a package in the mail with an autographed picture of Oprah . I framed it and for a long time it was on our bedroom wall . I just went to look for it in the closet and couldn 't find it . But it has to be somewhere in the house , I wouldn 't get rid of it . I walk every morning now , well at least 5 days a week . I still struggle with my panic disorder and my shame . It 's still hard to tell new friends but I do . Most of the time I can walk around the block but there still are mornings when it 's beyond me . I 've been feeling a little lonely lately . Yes I have my wonderful husband , and my son and daughter in law live next door . She 's pregnant , due in March . A grandchild ! A granddaughter ! We have been collecting baby things by reading Craigslist ads and going to the thrift shop and yard sales . The upstairs bedroom in our house is now the baby center and is filled with strollers , johnny - jump - ups , and play centers . We have also been collecting baby clothes . We 've collected several grocery bags full of baby clothes from Newborn to 12 months old . At the thrift shop someone had donated vintage baby dresses , darling little hand embroidered , sheer fabric , gum drops of dresses , so cute . My sister in law and I are hosting a baby shower at the end of next month . We 'll hang a rope between the two chandeliers in the living room and clothespin the dresses to this makeshift clothesline as decoration at the shower . But I 've digressed . I 've felt lonely and have been aware that there is space in my life for more friends . Three of my major friendships have ended in the last couple of years and it has not been easy to deal with the holes they have left . They died natural deaths due to us growing in different directions ( biting my tongue so as not to say one of us growing and the other not . ) Because how the hell do I really know ? I 've just got to keep my eyes on my own paper . There is enough stuff to sift through in my own self to spare the time to try sifting through someone else 's story . I have put myself out there more than I usually would have . I 've become close to one woman who I see every Thursday for tea and conversation . We have much in common and I 'm really grateful for her friendship . She 's a new friend and it 's fun getting to know someone new . Like opening a gift wrapped present . I 've been practicing staying healthy and clear after writing about it a couple of weeks ago . Practicing smiling and engaging with people when the opportunity arises , practicing being in the moment and looking for opportunities to connect . And I 'm happy to report that it really does work . So many little interactions , I feel more connected to the world through lots of these little encounters . The part about keeping my eyes on my own paper and not saying mean things about other people really has shifted something within me . So I 've been seeing a woman and her dog often on my walks . I 'll catch sight of them a block away or down the street . Sometimes I 'd be in the alley when they were there . Her dog is young and full of energy and he would want to jump up on me as we passed . I asked if I could pet him and bring him cookies to help train him not to jump and P . said yes so I did . Every time he would sit he 'd get a cookie . Then we 'd be off on our way , ships that passed in the night . I found myself looking forward to seeing them and feeling a little sad on mornings when I didn 't . P . and I started talking a little . Right in front of her I brazenly hugged my oak tree , both arms around it , cheek pressed to the giant trunk . I surprised myself and liked it . We talked a little more . One day we walked together , she changing her direction to walk my route . Walking is the hardest thing on me , anxiety - wise . I feel very vulnerable on a walk . In a car , if I have a panic attack I can pull over and I have a fantasy about lying down in the back seat so nobody can see me , because hiding my anxious self feels very important . But walking ? No place to hide , my fantasy moves toward crawling under a bush and calling my husband to come get me . I walk the same route every morning , 3 , 000 steps , 1 1 / 2 mile , but I 'm never more than 2 blocks away from home . It took me weeks to inch up to this route . Each day I 'd walk a little farther in each direction and mark my progress by a driveway or a mailbox and then try to beat it a little the next day . So one morning while walking with P . I started to have a panic attack . I abruptly turned back towards home , and when she asked what was up I lied and said my chest felt congested . It was the only thing I could come up with at the time . I did not , in that moment , feel capable of telling the truth . It would have left me with no skin whatsoever and I could not stand that . P . and I had talked about having coffee together when her vacation from work gave her some free time , I had been waiting until then to have THE TALK . So I went home and suffered . I felt so bad about myself , reverting to behavior that I 'd done for years . I felt like her again , the me that was so shut down , so afraid someone would find out , so ashamed . I had trouble going anywhere , anxiety was my constant companion . I slept little and when asleep I dreamed of being anxious and I lived it in my waking hours . P . finally came over for coffee , a week or so after that day . During our conversation in the living room I had the thought that talking to her about my panic disorder wouldn 't really fit into the mood . Thinking this thought prompted me to just blurt out that I had lied to her and why . She took in the information , asked a couple of questions , and said she was happy I had shared that with her . Whew ! And with that my anxiety went back to normal ( for now ) levels . I am learning , I 'm a slow learner , but I 'm still learning how to manage my big oaf of an awkward self . Sometimes I 'm like a gorilla driving a Volkswagon and other times I 'm a butterfly trying to tie shoes . I 'm the gorilla and the butterfly all rolled into one . Deal with it . So I invited P . for Christmas breakfast with the family , her family had already been to visit before Christmas and she would have been on her own that day . I felt pretty confident that everyone would be warm and welcoming and that they would like her as much as I did and I was right . We sat at the table eating waffles and laughing a lot and P . fit right in as if she 'd known us all for years . Conversation turned to my daughter - in - law , about the baby to come , how the kids ( always call them that even though they are grown ) were so resourceful in finding baby items on Craigslist , etc . and how they had all the big stuff they needed . My husband mentioned that as soon as we knew it was a girl , we had gone to the thrift shop and had bought bags of clothing for little Vada Grace . P . said it was too bad she hadn 't known me before she gave away all the little special baby clothes that she and her sister had worn many years ago . I asked who she had given it to and she mentioned a store downtown . I thought she meant the antiques store but no , finally it was determined that it was the thrift shop where I had bought all the adorable dresses . My son went into my bedroom to get all the vintage dresses I had bought and amazingly ! all but one of the baby dresses I had bought used to be worn by my new friend and her sister . Our jaws all fell into our waffles . Full circle . All of life right now is full circle . We are all connected by strings and guts and Kleenex . We just forget and think we 're all here on our lonesome own . Finding our way through the dark is so much easier when we can borrow each others ' flashlights . I hope to remember this more often , please remind me . |
I don 't know why it didn 't work . I 'm devastated , it was my last chance and I blew it . Maybe I am stupid and worthless , I can 't get anything right . Maybe he knows me better than I know myself . He always calls me " stupid " and " stupid cow " and when he whips me he calls me " stupid whore " . Today I believe him . I am a stupid cow . It was the only opportunity I 've had since he took me . Bodyguards watch my every movement . My multi - lingual assistant goes into the bathroom with me when I 'm away from home . No piece of paper or pen or knife , for that matter , is ever permitted to be in my rooms . So I can 't even write HELP in my own blood . My phone is hooked to his , I don 't know how that works but it is . Everything I send out is translated and examined . I 'm permitted ten minutes of telephone time to my family every Sunday . My assistant listens to every word and signs them to a video hookup . I 'm so afraid of him , he is unspeakably cruel . I won 't go into detail as I don 't want those words and images to be forever linked to my name . He lives to torture me . My ass is branded and scarred , bikini bottoms hide it . My perfect body , used by him however he wants . Images of me in skimpy clothing is staged by him and sent out to make other men want me . Only he can have me . I am his like his jet is his , like his hotels are his , like his persona is his . I was told I had to speak in front of the convention , in front of the cameras , the thousands of people . I was terrified . Terrified to do something wrong , to do something stupid , to be so exposed . I was given a speech , written by his employees . A white dress was made for me . White because it symbolized the wedding dress he had made me wear those years ago . And made for me to pretend to hide my body and make it seem demure while showcasing my ass for those he wanted to have see it . He is so smart and so diabolical . He knows it hurts me to be paraded like that , it gives him pleasure to hurt me . I took the only opportunity I 've had in years . I asked for tapes of former First Ladies in their convention speeches for their husbands ' Presidential runs . I watched Nancy Reagan , Barbara and Laura Bush , Rosalynn Carter , and Michelle Obama . I asked for the latter two by saying I wanted to watch the other side to avoid what they had done . Because he thinks the other side is totally stupid and inept . It made him happy that I was thinking that way . He petted me and spanked me only with his hand . I watched the tapes over and over , my assistant grew tired of watching me watch tapes . She finally slept . I watched Michelle over and over and over and I memorized her words . I stayed up all the night learning them . I then put Nancy Reagan 's tape in the machine so that it would be the one found . I spoke at the convention . I read the words from the teleprompter and did my best to enunciate , to stand up straight , to speak of my husband in honeyed tones . I had the crowd right with me . I looked beautiful , poised , confident ; everything that had been beaten out of me came back in those few moments . And when it came time I went off script , Michelle 's words in my mouth , hope in my heart . It was the only thing I could think of to let anyone know something was terribly wrong , for his wife to speak the words of his second greatest enemy . I knew I would be saved , someone would figure out what I had done . I would be rescued , saved . I would be freed , my parents would be freed . We could live again . But I was stupid . A couple of months ago , in my eating healthy mode , I suddenly experienced the overwhelming feeling of needing to shovel fattening food into my mouth at an alarming rate . Not this again , shit ! Or , not this shit again ! I had been doing so well for a week or three . I had lost what I had gained from my last feeding frenzy and I was almost at a good number . Not good number as in my goal weight , oh no , but good number in that I was down from the shame zone . So , my mind was racing as to what was in the house . We had nuts , cheese , milk , chocolate , pasta , avocados , and honey . We didn 't have pan dulces from the Mexican market ; not the ones stuffed with cheese and jalapenos , or the sweet ones with cream and a chocolate glaze . I 'm starting to make myself hungry now so I 'll get on with it . I had the flash of insight to ask this aspect of my self who it was . Immediately the answer came back ' Susie ' . That shocked me , I didn 't expect any answer at all . It really was a rhetorical question . How old are you ? and the answer came back ' 6 ' . I said you can 't be 6 , I think you must be more like 2 . Oops how rude of me , telling my little inner self how old it was . I asked another question and got this answer . ' I am not gonna talk to anybody who doesn 't love me . ' And I knew she meant love her totally , completely , freely . I wanted to lure her back , it was such an unexpectedly beautiful connection with my inner self that I wanted more . I felt that she was shy and didn 't trust me . I needed to make a space where we could communicate safely so I imagined a dense forest with a clearing by a stream . I lay down on the grass in the clearing and relaxed , watching the clouds go by . I hoped that Susie would come to the edge of the forest and talk with me . But she didn 't . I thought of that peaceful place often over the next few days but there was no sign of her . One day I went to the market for tomatoes and mushrooms . As I got back into my car I thought of a former friend who lived a few doors from the market and worried that he would come out of his house and see me . I wondered what I would say to him , would I be polite but closed or ignore him altogether ? I had the thought what would you do , Susie ? Immediately she ran out from behind a tree , all fists , and elbows , and fury . She ran right up to him and kicked him really hard in the shin and then ran straight back into the forest and disappeared . It all happened in a second . I was so surprised I sat in my car and howled with laughter until tears were coming out of my eyes . I fell in love with her completely in that moment . I told my friend about her . My friend had also named her inner child but with a beautiful name , Leah Mariposa . Leah was her Hebrew name and Mariposa ( butterfly ) was her childhood street . I wanted Susie to have a better name but my childhood street was LeMoyne and I didn 't have a Hebrew name . So she became Susie Q . When I told my friend her name she said that was what she used to call me all those 50 years ago , Susie Q . So I went on youtube and listened to different versions of the old song ' Oh Susie Q ' . My favorite of them was by Jose Feliciano and was a little too sexy but otherwise perfect . So I sang his version of ' Oh Susie Q ' in my head every day for awhile . Since I fell in love with her I haven 't felt the urge to binge eat . There have been a couple of stirrings but nothing like the tide - going - out almost impossible to resist feeling it was before . Once in awhile I have a craving for an ice cream and I have one , lingering over the sensuality of every bite and thoroughly enjoying it . And then having a healthy dinner later instead of continuing a binge . This is huge for me , something I have never been able to do . I would binge or be strictly healthy , black or white , a very bi - polar way of eating . One bite of a salted cashew had been enough to send me into a full out binge that could last one day or two weeks . Now it 's very different and much more peaceful . Thank you Susie Q . I haven 't lost many pounds but I figure that will all take care of itself over time . I have started taking walks in the morning hoping to hurry it up just a teensy bit . Of course I 've told my therapist all of this , she encourages me to do all of this and asks for more . She wants the name of the rational part of myself who makes the wise decisions and I told her Socrates . She got me thinking about all the aspects of me and who is in charge of what . That 's what this bit of writing is about today , to riff on that theme for a bit . Okay , so the one in charge of me is Susan . I 'm the one who owns a lot of the brain space and the one who is typing right now . I 'm like the Chairman of the Board with lots of different departments weighing in or just silently and stealthily influencing my decisions and my world . I 'll attempt to call a meeting and see who shows up . Wish me luck . The first committee to arrive is The Republican Party , which is made up of The Church Lady AKA Prudence Ursula Claxton . She holds the line on the rules and makes sure they aren 't broken . She bases all of her decisions on the Holy Word which would be fine but the version she has was interpreted from the original dead language by Roseanne Rosannadanna and her religious aunt Hosanna Rosannadanna . ( These were characters on SNL created by Gilda Radner , look it up , it 's brilliant . ) ( Roseanne and Hosanna also interpreted the Holy Koran but instead of it being 72 raisins , they got confused and said it was 72 virgins . Oh well . ) The Committee on Spiritual Matters is made up of Mr . Rogers ( 1 ) , Anne Lamott ( 2 ) , Marianne Williamson ( 3 ) , and Moms Mabley ( 4 ) . They are the arch enemies of The Republic Party . The CSM represents the voice of love and reason and high ideals and it 's also in charge of the tears that wash Susan clean and keep me going . This committee is also called The Atticus Finch ( 5 ) Brigade . Next is the Department of Internal Affairs which is headed by Susie Q , a 6 year old , freckle faced , wild haired , little poppet . She is the leader of Troop 55 of the Brownies . They live together in the woods without grown - ups . They sleep under the stars the forest canopy and cook over open campfires . They make their furniture out of old newspapers and bottles , things they find in the forest . They are impulsive , willful , and the keepers of the deepest secrets . The Department of Interpersonal Relations is made up of Gladys Kravitz , neighbor of Bewitched 's Samantha , who looks out from behind the curtains of her living room to spy on all the goings on of the neighbors . She judges everyone according to the rules of The Republican Party . Gladys cannot sit near the Committee on Spiritual Matters or she will melt . She is joined by Granny Clampett from The Beverly Hillbillies who sits with a shotgun on her knees in an old rocking chair and protects the boundaries between Susan and the rest of the world . Also in the DIR is Dr . Frankenstein , who writes plays from the info Gladys gleans and tries to make them believable and powerful but they are really mirages . He is best friends with Roseanne R . Search and Rescue is made up of Hannibal of the Alps , who will lead elephants over the snow topped slopes to get supplies in and rescue the troops . Florence Nightingale is his closest ally , she is the one who sounds the alarm when he is needed . Might Mouse is always there to save the day in case the elephants can 't get through . And finally The Monkees , which has three members . Ivan the Gorilla is the embodiment of panic , agoraphobia , and anxiety . He lives in a cage but we all live in fear that he will escape again . His sister is Koko the Gorilla who has been taught sign language so that she can communicate between apes and humans . She is as gentle as Ivan is dangerous and she keeps kittens as pets in her enclosure . She lives next door to Hannibal 's elephants and their amazing swimming pool . And also Bubbles the Chimp whose main job is to feed random obsessive thoughts and memories into the brain machine and think the same thing over and over . ( 5 ) Atticus Finch is the main character in To Kill A Mockingbird . He is wise and kind and just . He will not be moved from his morals and principles . We snuck into the neighbors ' pool last night and I was the first one in . We waited until after dark and should have gone in full commando regalia but the heat made us sloppy . We had already distracted the during - the - week caretakers by loaning them the two videos we had already watched during the worst heat of the day . I believe I heard bits of " True Lies " wafting through their upstairs window . But the rule of silence was still enforced . " No talking and no splashing ! " It was so very hard to obey and the training just took over at that point . I wanted to shout with delight for just the coolness of it and splash them as they sighed with the relief . I walked up the steps and got out . I said time to go and the youngest one said no almost out loud . His training wasn 't deep enough yet to override the screaming NOOOOOOOOO ! of every cell of his body . When my whispered pleas didn 't work , I slithered back into the water and put my mouth up near his ear . " Look , if we don 't get caught we can come back every night but if they catch us tonight this will be the last time , " I told him . " But I want to swim " he said and he showed me just how much by pushing off the side and floating out into deeper water . I knew he meant it because he still has fear of the water and doesn 't easily let go of the side . The older one came to my aid and cajoled the younger to please come . I got out again and stood above him , delicious water running down my body . How wonderful to feel cool . Just then the water snake cleaning automatic thing came toward him and it was as if it was a live guardian out of the depths of the pool . The boy hoisted himself up and out of the cool wetness and we gathered our things . The older one wanted to sit in the deck chairs and relax , wrapped in his towel . Perhaps he had a cruise ship fantasy playing in his head . But the younger was still so water dazed I knew it was too dangerous . We went out the gate and I replaced the stick I had used to pull the loop through the small opening that allowed our entry in the first place . And suddenly I guess it hit us . We had done what we had fantasized for so long and the most rule bound among us had organized it . We started to giggle and had to make a mad dash for it before we collapsed into hysterical laughter at the wonder of our daring and the delight of our cool bodies . We went to three shadows and undressed into towels . I was already planing the next diversion for the caretakers and wondered what other movies they hadn 't seen yet . Three weeks later … We went yesterday . The owners and the weekday caretakers were at a celebration of the passing of an old one and we knew we were relatively safe . We called on the telephone to see if they were truly gone and then , for good measure , I did reconnaissance to see the presence or absence of vehicles . We also called those living nearest the pool and swore them to secrecy . They said go for it and would have joined us but for plans they had already made . The younger one was not with us this time as he was celebrating the aging process of a friend . We knew he would be upset and feel left out but we were not willing to limit our own pleasure to please him . The older one and I had fun getting ready and putting on costumes designed for the water . I put outer garments on over this costume so as to not arouse suspicion as I checked out the autos . I let the older one in through the gate as he couldn 't wait for me to finish the last minute checks . I was confident enough that we were in the clear that I allowed this breach of the rules . It was lovely in the pool even though the weather was not uncomfortably hot . We talked out loud and even splashed a little . I dove under the water and breathed some in . Even now I can call up the taste of the chemicals used in the pool to kill off small life forms . At one point I had us out and ready to leave and did the delicious thing of initiating us back into the pool for another round of swimming . There was even more pleasure the second time . My heart goes out this morning to the owner of Pulse nightclub in Orlando , Florida whose name is Barbara Poma . She opened Pulse in honor of her brother who died of AIDS in 1991 . I 'm heartbroken thinking of her . My brother died of AIDS in 1993 . I can relate to her pain when she lost her brother , and her pain now . She wanted , in her brother 's memory , to open a place where people could gather and have fun and make connections and be happy . It was a beautiful way to pay tribute to her brother . And now … . I can 't say it , no words suffice . I was moved to add this essay that I wrote in 1994 in honor of my brother . I guess to use it as some cosmic transmitter to send love to her and all the victims and survivors of this terrible event . HOSPITAL RIDES I remember another night like this , very much like this , years ago . Randy driving and me riding shotgun , wishing I had the wheel in my hands , anything to distract me . Tonight we have brought with us the little television that plugs into the cigarette lighter . The reception is very poor . I wonder if people in other cars can see that telltale blue glow coming from our car window and what they think about it . We have the news on , Channel 4 . The newscaster 's face and voice come in strong for a moment and then the snow falls behind the screen . Then and now rain pours down , making it hard to see out of the windows . A few miles ago we were only about a minute behind an accident . The police weren 't there yet and the people in the two cars hadn 't even gotten out . But we couldn 't stop . We don 't know how much time we 'll have with him . Randy drives , again too fast . I tell him to slow down , it won 't do us any good to have an accident ourselves . He does slow down for a few minutes and then he speeds up again but I don 't think he 's aware of it at all . At night , when we hold hands as well fall asleep , his grip slowly tightens until my hand feels like it 's in a vise grip . When I pull it out of his grip and he awakens , he has no memory of increasing the pressure . When we made that drive years ago I had towels clutched between my legs . I didn 't know it would be like a river of wet . I had thought it would have been just a little moisture . It was raining outside and I was raining inside the car . I didn 't have any pains yet and it would be many hours before I 'd feel any . But in the car I was glad that it would be over soon and at the same time scared of what was to come . How bad could the pain get , would I be a chicken , how really could I stretch enough for a baby to come out ? It was all so mysterious . This time I 'm not glad it 's almost over , I can 't comprehend that it could almost be over . How can he be dying already ? I talked to him 3 days ago on my birthday and I knew he sounded weak and was a little cranky but dying ? And how do they know that someone only had a couple of hours left and to come now if you want to see him one more time . I 'm scared of what 's ahead , it 's all unknown . We 're over the bridge now and into the bright lights of the city . We join our friends and my sister around the bed where he lays breathing through a mask and holding hands with Javier . He is almost gone as the cassette plays Handel 's Messiah and we talk about his life . I remember his childhood nicknames , Cocoa Bill and the Blue Eyed Chicken . We tell our stories about the times we had with him . His eyes are rolled back and I wonder where he is and what he knows in his morphine fog . Does he hurt ? Does he hear us ? Is his hand gripping tighter on Javier 's as he falls not asleep but adeath ? Again as it was last time , there is a knowing that this is one of the most important moments of my life , that I must remember all that happens so I can carry it with me down through the years . One of my most vivid memories of the last time was of seeing in the mirror Reed 's shoulder and arm coming out of my body , his arm kind of flopping away from his side . I can see it still after all these years . What will I remember so vividly years from now about tonight ? Will it be the rain , the mask , the music , the hand united with his lover ? The last breath in , out , in , and no more ? This time as we drive home we pass only one car on the Golden Gate bridge and I wonder is it some kind of a record . This time there is no baby strapped into a brand new car seat . This time I wrap my hurting heart up in a blanket with my brother and carry my emptiness home . It 's 3 days after Easter and your pumpkins are still on the front steps . Out there for all the world to see ; the early morning walkers like me , kids on their way to school , the mailman on his daily rounds , the handyman mowing the lawn next door . Do you even notice them as you race off to work , buttoning your sweater as you skip down the stairs to your car ? Or in the evening when you come home , tired from a long frustrating day , dragging yourself up to the comfort of cabernet ? Do you know they are rotting there , unobserved by you ? Each day something in them sags a little more , softens slightly . Once they stood proud and firm , just waiting to be made into pie or carved into a scary face . But no , that never happened . There was no flour in the house for pie crust and anyway that day you were dieting . You couldn 't find your sharp knife and you didn 't know what to cut out anyway . Maybe tomorrow . They are melting now , a tiny bit more each day . They were full of possibilities . Now they are accusations . So what can be done about them now ? Well you could pick them up with gloves on in case they are mushy and carry them out to the yard waste can in the alley . But they might fall apart and then you 'd have a real mess and you can 't seem to find those garbage bags you bought last month . You could give them to the neighbor to put into her compost pile . Maybe they would sprout and cover the pile in broad leaves by the middle of summer . But you don 't really know her and you don 't want to impose . Hell , you could throw them at that annoying motorcyclist who likes to go for rides at 1 in the morning and return at 3 , revving his engine the whole time and waking everyone up . But no , you might get arrested and ruin your perfect record . So here they sit , monuments to your indecision , your procrastination , your fear of never doing the right thing . You can just do nothing , let them melt under the summer sun to come . Until , maybe months from now they decompose to the point of you turning on the hose full force and blasting their remains under the nearby bushes . Of course the stain will last , never to be scrubbed clean even with bleach . But you can always put pots on the stains and plant flowers in them that will wither and die due to lack of attention . And next year you can start again with fresh pumpkins and good intentions . I was an avid watcher of the Oprah Winfrey show back in the day . Her first show was broadcast when my son was about 3 years of age and I was a stay - at - home mom . Come to think of it , I gave new meaning to that term . I tuned in every afternoon at 4 o ' clock before I cleaned up the kitchen from the chaos of the day and started to think about dinner . We had a small tv in the kitchen on top of the refrigerator in our huge and uninsulated apartment in an old Victorian mansion . For some reason I decided I would write to her . I used my most treasured stationery that reminded me of my brother who had died of AIDS and who I had loved with all my heart . The paper and matching envelope showed a lone swimmer poised in the air diving into water . It was in muted pastels and so gorgeous . The image expressed something very deep to me . Also I figured it would stand out amongst the pain white envelopes and the occasional pink or green one . Coming home from work a couple of weeks later , I listened to phone messages and almost fell over when a voice said , " Hi Susan , it 's Candy from the Oprah Winfrey Show . We got your letter and we 'd like to fly you to Chicago to tape an episode on the show . Give me a call and we can set up a date " . I saved that message tape and still have it somewhere but of course no way to play it , technology moving right along away from the Dark Ages of message machines with their little silly tapes . I called Candy back and told her I would love to be on the show but that flying to Chicago was so far out of my possibilities that I would have to decline . I wondered if she personally had read my letter where I talked about using my daily walk for exercise to also expand my boundaries on how far away from home I could be without tipping into a panic attack . I had talked about how each day I went a little further , today to the neighbor 's mail box , tomorrow to the driveway past that , before turning back to the safety of home . But I didn 't want to sound rude so I didn 't mention any of that . Candy said they would send a film crew to me . A date was set , and that was that . Well that was all fine and dandy but until then I hadn 't told anyone outside of my immediate family about my anxiety and how limiting it was to my life . I couldn 't have friends learn about it on tv so I had to make some very difficult phone calls in advance . Until that time I had just made up excuses , also known as lies , as to why I couldn 't go to that restaurant or even to their house and I would only meet them at a nearby coffee shop or at my house . It was my grand coming out , with all the nerves and terror you might imagine . I had so much shame about being so limited that I could barely summon the breath to make the grand announcement . It was really hard to do . My heart goes out to every LGBTQ person having to make that phone call or gather the family after dinner . My friends were wonderful and supportive and asked lots of questions and were really there for me . I wish that same response to everyone having to make a difficult exposing declaration to the people that they want to still love them . The day came and a producer and camera person arrived at my home and it was decided that I would walk around the block while they filmed it . Walking around the block had been impossible before then , I would get half way around and have to turn back towards home . But that 's what they wanted and I was determined to do it . First they set up screens to direct the sunlight and I was miked and interviewed on camera . Then they took shots of me behind my screen door looking wistfully out at the world . And then began the walk itself . I live in a very mixed neighborhood . There are old Victorian mansions , some of which in the ' 60s had been cut up into small apartments but since had converted back to single family dwellings . And modest homes were sprinkled in amongst them , mine included . There are lots of old trees and some lovely flower gardens in the front yards . The cameraman knew he could get some great shots . I was very anxious as you might imagine . I worried that I would have a panic attack on camera . I went to do a nervous pee and when I came out of my bathroom the producer told me the mike had picked up the sound of my tinkle and if I needed to use the bathroom again I could ask them to take it off . Well that little tidbit of information made me focus on something even more embarrassing than panicking so off we went , me sighing horrified sighs into my mike . My husband owned a purple convertible at the time and he drove it around the block with the top down while I was walking and being filmed . A friend lived around the block and she came to her window to cheer me on when we passed her house . It was a parade ! I lived through it and they took off my mike , packed up their reflector screens , and left . I was told approximately when the segment would air . We had a viewing party the day it came on and also set the VCR to tape it . It was so weird to see myself on tv . I didn 't sound like me and it 's true that the camera makes you look fatter than you are , at least I hope I don 't look like that in person . It was a very emotional few minutes , to see myself talking about something so personal and shame ridden , and knowing that millions of people might be watching at that moment . It was very freeing to go through that whole experience . It didn 't bring with it a cure and I wasn 't magically transformed into a globe trotting confident marathon runner . But it did change me . Somewhere that tape leans dusty into the tapes of our now almost 34 year old son when he was a little boy . We don 't have any way to play it anymore . I think my husband may have had a DVD made of it for some long ago Christmas present but I can 't imagine where that might be . A few weeks after it aired , I got a package in the mail with an autographed picture of Oprah . I framed it and for a long time it was on our bedroom wall . I just went to look for it in the closet and couldn 't find it . But it has to be somewhere in the house , I wouldn 't get rid of it . I walk every morning now , well at least 5 days a week . I still struggle with my panic disorder and my shame . It 's still hard to tell new friends but I do . Most of the time I can walk around the block but there still are mornings when it 's beyond me . I 've been feeling a little lonely lately . Yes I have my wonderful husband , and my son and daughter in law live next door . She 's pregnant , due in March . A grandchild ! A granddaughter ! We have been collecting baby things by reading Craigslist ads and going to the thrift shop and yard sales . The upstairs bedroom in our house is now the baby center and is filled with strollers , johnny - jump - ups , and play centers . We have also been collecting baby clothes . We 've collected several grocery bags full of baby clothes from Newborn to 12 months old . At the thrift shop someone had donated vintage baby dresses , darling little hand embroidered , sheer fabric , gum drops of dresses , so cute . My sister in law and I are hosting a baby shower at the end of next month . We 'll hang a rope between the two chandeliers in the living room and clothespin the dresses to this makeshift clothesline as decoration at the shower . But I 've digressed . I 've felt lonely and have been aware that there is space in my life for more friends . Three of my major friendships have ended in the last couple of years and it has not been easy to deal with the holes they have left . They died natural deaths due to us growing in different directions ( biting my tongue so as not to say one of us growing and the other not . ) Because how the hell do I really know ? I 've just got to keep my eyes on my own paper . There is enough stuff to sift through in my own self to spare the time to try sifting through someone else 's story . I have put myself out there more than I usually would have . I 've become close to one woman who I see every Thursday for tea and conversation . We have much in common and I 'm really grateful for her friendship . She 's a new friend and it 's fun getting to know someone new . Like opening a gift wrapped present . I 've been practicing staying healthy and clear after writing about it a couple of weeks ago . Practicing smiling and engaging with people when the opportunity arises , practicing being in the moment and looking for opportunities to connect . And I 'm happy to report that it really does work . So many little interactions , I feel more connected to the world through lots of these little encounters . The part about keeping my eyes on my own paper and not saying mean things about other people really has shifted something within me . So I 've been seeing a woman and her dog often on my walks . I 'll catch sight of them a block away or down the street . Sometimes I 'd be in the alley when they were there . Her dog is young and full of energy and he would want to jump up on me as we passed . I asked if I could pet him and bring him cookies to help train him not to jump and P . said yes so I did . Every time he would sit he 'd get a cookie . Then we 'd be off on our way , ships that passed in the night . I found myself looking forward to seeing them and feeling a little sad on mornings when I didn 't . P . and I started talking a little . Right in front of her I brazenly hugged my oak tree , both arms around it , cheek pressed to the giant trunk . I surprised myself and liked it . We talked a little more . One day we walked together , she changing her direction to walk my route . Walking is the hardest thing on me , anxiety - wise . I feel very vulnerable on a walk . In a car , if I have a panic attack I can pull over and I have a fantasy about lying down in the back seat so nobody can see me , because hiding my anxious self feels very important . But walking ? No place to hide , my fantasy moves toward crawling under a bush and calling my husband to come get me . I walk the same route every morning , 3 , 000 steps , 1 1 / 2 mile , but I 'm never more than 2 blocks away from home . It took me weeks to inch up to this route . Each day I 'd walk a little farther in each direction and mark my progress by a driveway or a mailbox and then try to beat it a little the next day . So one morning while walking with P . I started to have a panic attack . I abruptly turned back towards home , and when she asked what was up I lied and said my chest felt congested . It was the only thing I could come up with at the time . I did not , in that moment , feel capable of telling the truth . It would have left me with no skin whatsoever and I could not stand that . P . and I had talked about having coffee together when her vacation from work gave her some free time , I had been waiting until then to have THE TALK . So I went home and suffered . I felt so bad about myself , reverting to behavior that I 'd done for years . I felt like her again , the me that was so shut down , so afraid someone would find out , so ashamed . I had trouble going anywhere , anxiety was my constant companion . I slept little and when asleep I dreamed of being anxious and I lived it in my waking hours . P . finally came over for coffee , a week or so after that day . During our conversation in the living room I had the thought that talking to her about my panic disorder wouldn 't really fit into the mood . Thinking this thought prompted me to just blurt out that I had lied to her and why . She took in the information , asked a couple of questions , and said she was happy I had shared that with her . Whew ! And with that my anxiety went back to normal ( for now ) levels . I am learning , I 'm a slow learner , but I 'm still learning how to manage my big oaf of an awkward self . Sometimes I 'm like a gorilla driving a Volkswagon and other times I 'm a butterfly trying to tie shoes . I 'm the gorilla and the butterfly all rolled into one . Deal with it . So I invited P . for Christmas breakfast with the family , her family had already been to visit before Christmas and she would have been on her own that day . I felt pretty confident that everyone would be warm and welcoming and that they would like her as much as I did and I was right . We sat at the table eating waffles and laughing a lot and P . fit right in as if she 'd known us all for years . Conversation turned to my daughter - in - law , about the baby to come , how the kids ( always call them that even though they are grown ) were so resourceful in finding baby items on Craigslist , etc . and how they had all the big stuff they needed . My husband mentioned that as soon as we knew it was a girl , we had gone to the thrift shop and had bought bags of clothing for little Vada Grace . P . said it was too bad she hadn 't known me before she gave away all the little special baby clothes that she and her sister had worn many years ago . I asked who she had given it to and she mentioned a store downtown . I thought she meant the antiques store but no , finally it was determined that it was the thrift shop where I had bought all the adorable dresses . My son went into my bedroom to get all the vintage dresses I had bought and amazingly ! all but one of the baby dresses I had bought used to be worn by my new friend and her sister . Our jaws all fell into our waffles . Full circle . All of life right now is full circle . We are all connected by strings and guts and Kleenex . We just forget and think we 're all here on our lonesome own . Finding our way through the dark is so much easier when we can borrow each others ' flashlights . I hope to remember this more often , please remind me . |
We specialize in all things frightening . From true stories to fiction , horror movies to creepy art , we 're your one - stop spot when you want to be infested by the creepy - crawlies . Now , turn off the lights . Lock your doors . Try your best to make it through the night . These events occurred in September of 2011 , when I was 19 years old . I am a male . Growing up I was always a bit of an intellectual , and I liked doing tests and experiments on myself . Weird things that other people wouldn 't find interesting , you know . I would see how many consecutive hours I could stay up without falling asleep , or see how long I could go without eating before minor hunger pains set in , things like that . It sounds extreme , I know , but it really wasn 't . It never got out of control . For some reason , when I was 19 , I became fascinated with the homeless , and what it would be like to be homeless . It was a concept I simply couldn 't get my head around ; not having someplace to go to when the day was over seemed so foreign . I decided I wanted to experience it somehow . I wanted the experience to be as authentic as possible , but obviously , still safe . I decided to pack up my car with essentials like water , dry cereal , stuff like that . I drove from where I grew up in central Florida all the way to the middle of Arkansas , in its capital city of Little Rock . It took me like 14 hours or something . I don 't know if anyone is familiar with Little Rock , but it 's very rural for being the largest city in the entire state . I wanted to be far enough away from home that I couldn 't chicken out , to make things more authentic . I brought just enough money for gas and potential emergencies . The plan was to live in my car for two weeks in a large , nearly empty parking lot outside of the Bill Clinton Presidential Library . I made an audio entry into my phone describing the days events for the first few days , but stopped after it got boring . For the first week or so , nothing really happened . I went in the library to use the bathroom , etc , and slept in my car at night . I listened to the radio and played guitar , just trying to fill the days with something . The nights were a little frightening , because I could sometimes see " real " homeless people and suspicious looking characters walking around the parking lot outside my car . I startedPosted by I made my way down the dark corridor and into the brightly lit bathroom . Upon entering , I spotted a very tall lanky blonde women , who did not work at my store in the very back of the bathroom . She was probably about 6 ' 3 or so , very thin , and was wearing yoga clothing with her hair pulled tightly back . Something about her gave me the creeps . When she our eyes met and I smiled at her , she gave me one of the most hateful looks I have ever received from another human being . There was something sinister about it . . . My gut told me to run , but I really had to pee . . . This went on for about 5 minutes , of her just standing there , occasionally knocking . . I thought I was going to have a heart attack , when suddenly , without saying a word she just left . I waited for a couple of minutes , then bolted to the sink , washed my hands , and ran like hell without drying them . I have no clue what the heck she wanted , or was doing , or why she was in the bathroom after closing . All I know is that I will NEVER go to the washrooms after closing alone again . Posted by My dad did a pretty good job as a single father , but his work took him all over the world . I was sick of it , and Jim was going to graduate soon . It was decided that Jim and I would go stay with my Aunt Tammy in Random Hell Hole , Middle America . out with , and I made some really good friends on the first day . One of the girls , Amber , remains a good friend to this day . I had no trouble making new friends , a trait my brother Jim did not share . Jim was trouble , he liked to smoke pot and drink alcohol . When we were with our dad , he never paid much attention to us . He worked , gave us spending money , and made sure we went to school . With Tammy , it was her way or the highway . Jim was to remain sober or he would have to find a new place to stay . He was 18 , so she could legally send him away without the law doing anything about it . At 15 , I was in sports , got good grades , and obviously Tammy 's favorite . At first , Jim seemed to do well . He tried out for band , but was no accepted . He tried out for sports , drama , and ultimately did not receive the credit he felt he deserved . He bitched about it and said he was better than everyone in those clubs and they just didn 't see his greatness . Then he met Steve . Steve was 19 and had been held back . Steve was not popular . He lacked personal hygiene , morals , and a filter . He was forbidden from coming over by Aunt Tammy , which caused Jimmy to gain even more of an attitude . One day , Aunt Tammy caught Steve and Jim in the basement , smoking pot . I was at work and they had ransacked the whole house for money . Tammy threatened to call the police and Jim was out on the street . Jim , of course , called my dad . However , instead of siding with Jim , Dad agreed with Tammy . Steve took Jim in and their party lifestyle continued . Jim dropped out of school and I didn 't see him for almost six months . He showed up at the house , trying to use his old key to get in . Steve was with him and I called the police . Jim left before they got there , after discovering Tammy changed the locks . Steve was still in school and tried to hit me up for money . I told him no . I found him trying to break into my locker a few times , which ended when I told the principal . Steve was suspended , and seemed to hold a few times . Then he started messing with me , more than just being an asshole . He started to view me as " a female . " That is what he told me , I Some of the things he did to me : Showed up at Subway and asked for " extra meat " on his sandwich , asking for lots of cheese . Then , when he had to pay , he tried to convince my co - worker that we were dating and I always gave him a discount . My co - worker charged him full price , after I refused to come out of the back to talk to him . He told people I blew him under the bleachers . Everyone laughed at him , because I pretty much vomited when he came near me and he smelled like garbage . I finally told Aunt Tammy what was going on and she went down to the school . When they tried to ignore the problem , she threatened to go to the media . He was kicked out for sexual harassment . Jim and Steve ended up leaving town for some reason . My cousin Terra told me about it online and I was relieved . I didn 't see either of them until I was in my twenties . It became a rather interesting story to share with my peers , to show I had ' street cred . ' I went away for college , but returned after my graduation . Tammy had been sick for a long time . My dad was remarried and lived in South Dakota . He was trying his hand at cattle farming , or some boring crap like that . Tammy had become the mother I never knew , the only parent that really mattered . My dad was more like an uncle , my aunt like a mother . He had become a bit of a bastard after his new wife learned I could think for myself and didn 't kiss the ground she walked on . Aunt Tammy passed when I was 22 . I inherited some money , her house , and her car . After paying her bills , there was a bit left to live on . I went to work at one of the local schools and kept in touch with my cousins ( on my mom 's side . ) Jim got nothing , didn 't even show up for the funeral . I am pretty sure no one told him she died . I had no way to reach him and didn 't want When I was 23 , Jim and Steve came back into town . Jim swung by the house but left after finding out his old key didn 't work . I am pretty sure he thought new people lived there , I had repainted the home and changed the decor inside , not liking the 1950s look my aunt was fond of . Steve stumbled into the coffee shop I favored . He wanted black coffee and looked ten years older . He obviously got into harder drugs , because his mouth looked like a graveyard . He was missing teeth and looked sickly . He saw me and tried to hug me . I balked and one of the workers told him to move on . He just watched me from outside the window . He rushed off when another man walked me out to my car . Veronica sent out a facebook invite to her wedding party . She had a civil ceremony and was inviting us to see the wedding video and honeymoon pictures . It was supposed to be very small and intimate , with about twenty people . More showed up and we ordered pizza , bought more beer , and spent the time playing drinking games and teasing the newly wed couple . Most people lived up the mountain , but Veronica told me to spend the night . Veronica answered the door . She started arguing with Jim . I looked down the hallway and there is Steve , standing beside Jim , looking smug . He sees me and heads down the hall , not bothering to even introduce himself to anyone . Veronica is telling them to leave and Jim ignores her . wants to upset Veronica , who seems resigned to them being there . Jim doesn 't look very good . He looks older , sad , and he starts crying when Veronica 's husband , Todd , asks him to leave . He moans that he just wants to watch the sunset . He is out of his mind , talking about how the trees are whispering to him . He is left to his craziness and the only concern is Steve . He stands in the kitchen , trying to top off my wine , and rubbing my shoulder . I keep jerking away and tell him to back off . Todd 's friend , Devin , ends up standing between us . Steve gets upset and tells Devin we are together . Devin smirks and asks me if that is true . I tell him no , I Steve storms off , outside , and smokes on the porch even though Veronica tells him not to . I can tell it is pot smoke . One of the girls , who is pregnant , asks him to stop . She is one of the few designated drivers and has been careful not to be around anything harmful the whole night . She has a water in her hand and her boyfriend goes up to ask Steve to stop . feet down with his arm at a weird angle . They call the cops and he is taken away , Jim in tow . Veronica looks ready to cry , but I tell her not to worry about it . We all had a good time . Jim is just retarded . We look for a new home , move to New York , and find a cute little apartment . We are making enough money off the rental property that we think it best to keep renting it out . Amber moves out and another couple They start calling about strange sounds in the attic . It sounds like someone scrapping things across the attic . Since it was locked , as we were storing things in there , we sent them the key and said they could look . There , in the middle of the room , is Steve . He had been living in there for the last two weeks . He had food , flashlights , and had been going through old pictures of me . It happens . This was also a few years ago but more recent than the other two - about a year after Toronto . It was 4am , I 'm in Koreatown with my best friend at the time , and we are riding up the elevator to the now - closed bar of J ' z - and when the elevator gets up to the top , the doors open but they say they are closed for the night , and a lady who seems sober gets on with us . We start making conversation . She speaks English well but seems to be foreign - perhaps German . She is older than us by probably 8 years . Her name is something like Zoe . Zoe tells us she is house - sitting for a friend nearby and she could take us there and we could all drink there . It seems too random to not be fun , so we go along with it . We end up in this apartment that looks like a giant Buddhist shrine . We drink , my friend 's girlfriend comes and joins us , and Zoe starts talking about something she just calls " my project " cryptically until finally she shows us - it is a book , something of a cartoon . Oh , and it 's about how the leaders of the world are the elders of Zion and the Illuminati and how they are all lizard people wearing human skin and breast over her shirt , which I 'm not super thrilled about , but am okay with , being drunk and single and less mature or experienced than I am now . But I 'm not sure I want anything else to happen and she leaves it there , as sort of an , " okay , your move " which I don 't make . In the morning , we get up , say our goodbyes , and she seems much more awkward , and just a little more " off " than the night previous . Fast forward about a week . 4am . I get a phone call - I didn 't remember leaving her my number but I must have , unless she took it from my phone while I slept . She says , " The boogieman is here . " it takes me a minute to realize it 's her , but given her accent I pick it up quickly . " The boogieman is here with me . Will you come save me from the boogieman ? " This wasn 't playful , she spoke with a very serious tone . I was extremely creeped out . The boogieman is here ? " Yes , and if you come fast you can save me . " I got off the phone . Fast forward another week , I 'm buying groceries . I walk out of the store , and there she is , right outside . She says to me , " You didn 't save me from the boogieman . " I played it off like a joke . " They 're my one weakness . " She doesn 't smile and I never saw her again . from the Philippines . One day , while performing some hits by The Who and Nirvana on the street , a guy walks up to us , covered head to toe in tattoos , looking very hairy , and likely in his 50s . Some of them are clearly prison tattoos ( including a teardrop or two ) and many of them are related to his enjoyment of Satanic imagery and the music of Ozzy Osbourne , he explained . After we finished a song , he told the guitarist that he really shreds but I gotta be angrier if I 'm gonna sing Cobain . Nonplussed at the insult , he tries to make amends and talk to us for a longer time by cracking open a couple cans of something in a little plastic bag he is carrying with him - it 's two six packs of Clamato - tomato & clam juice . He says he got it with " someone 's disability check . " We share some of this gross but welcome refreshment over the course of an hour , as he starts talking about music but then moves on to him for the real bad shit he was doing . . . Murdering pedophiles . He didn 't say how he found them , nor how he proved they were pedophiles , and I got a sinking feeling that these were possibly just people he had hunches about . He talked about how now he was back out of prison , he was I was 12 years old . It was Summertime and temperatures quite often reached up to and slightly over 120 ° F / 49 ° C outside . Needless to say I spent a considerable amount of time indoors , enjoying a comfortably controlled climate , away from school . My Mother worked during the daytime for the majority of that Summer . Consequentially I spent most of A few weeks into my vacation and the calls began . The phone would ring around noon . The first few times I answered with a standard " Hello " , received no response and simply hung up . After two or three of these incidences I began answering all noontime calls in silence , slowly ringing phone , or quietly pick up and listen . My mute answering tactic was partly psychological , partly investigatory ; In an act of defiance I met this callers silence with silence of my own , while attempting to gather any kind of auditory cues as to who this could possibly be . On rare occasions I could make out some background noise , the sound of a TV At this time cell phones were the size of shoeboxes and extremely rare . I 'd seen a photograph of one only once or twice before . It was years before Caller ID , * 69 ( feature on phones which would call back the Still , slight anticipatory pangs of anxiety began to set in every afternoon knowing the ring which would always come , followed by unsettling silence , or stifled breath . I had begun to get very frustrated and this led to anger . It was bizarre . Why would this person call around the same time every single day and never say anything ? I couldn 't understand their motivation and it had gone on too long now . It wasn 't funny . Sometimes I would pick up , stand and listen for three or four minutes in complete silence before hanging up , and it would always be me who disconnected first . If I didn 't answer , they would continue to So after almost seven weeks of this , I answered the afternoon call with a moment of silence and then burst into a rage . I began insulting the caller , asking " what the hell is wrong with you ? " As I continued on my tirade I glanced at the clock . It was exactly 12 : 15 so I finished with something along the lines of : " It 's 12 : 15 in the afternoon on a Saturday in the middle of Summer and you seriously have nothing better to do than this ? You have no friends ? You have no life , you 're a loser . Goodbye asshole ! " After I 'd hung up the telephone I became aware that my body was shaking . My adrenaline was pumping . I Hadn 't planned that , but I just didn 't know what else to do . I had to try something . I was fed up with this situation , and I just let it out . It kind of felt good , and surprisingly nobody called the following afternoon . The next few days there were no calls either . In fact , from that point on the calls had stopped completely . I was shocked ! I had shamed them into leaving me alone . I still speculated as to who it was or could be , and part of me regretted not cracking the case but my relief outweighed my curiosity . A I still remember this moment fairly vividly . I sat at the counter in the kitchen where the phone was plugged into the wall , eating some kind of snack while my Mother was washing a few dishes in the sink . The phone There were a couple seconds of silence and then an adolescent males voice announced : " Heyyyy ! It 's me - - your Summer buddy ! 12 : 15 - remember ? " I looked at the clock and it was exactly 12 : 15 . I was absolutely shocked . I couldn 't say anything . I looked at my Mother . She seemed to be oblivious to the fact that the phone even rang , as she looked intently down at the dishes she was now rinsing . I quickly hung up the phone . people . We all study at the same university . One of my housemates , Gabi , is my best friend so she always sleeps in my bed . We 're both girls About a month ago we got a new housemate called Joaquin . For three weeks he was completely normal . He was tidy and considerate and even made us dinner one night . When he came back he would continuously find ways to try to touch up Gabi . If she changed the music on the laptop he 'd stand behind her and pull her on to his lap or stroke her back . When she / we told him to leave A few days later my friend Chelsey came to visit . While Gabi , Chels and I were in the kitchen he came in and stared at us for a long time . He wouldn 't break eye contact or smile or even speak . He then began getting behind Gabi and rubbing his crotch against her bum . She would push him off and we would all shout at him but he was totally unfazed . Even when I pulled him off he started doing it again not ten seconds later . Ten minutes later he came in to my room and wouldn 't leave , insisting that i had invited him in . I told him that obviously I hadn 't but he wouldn 't go . I stood up to try to push him out but he just did that death stare , emotionless and freaky . Then Chelsey started walking towards him and he wondered off . After that I locked my door at all times . of my room . ( Yes , I have a foul mouth ) . He kept asking me questions trying to stay in my bed but I just kept telling him to get out of my fucking room and he finally did . I went to university and after two hours got a call from Gabi . She was crying her eyes out telling me that he had stolen her room key when he 'd come in to my room and she 'd gone in to find him there . He 'd dumped She called our other housemate Beth upstairs to keep him away whilst she got ready for uni . Beth had to physically stand between them as she brushed her teeth as he would follow her everywhere . He also stared at her through the crack of her door while she got changed . knocked on the door . When I went to open it Joaquin came sprinting up the stairs and shoved his foot between the door and the door frame . Again he refused to leave and if we said anything he would make eye contact for like thirty seconds . Fucking creepy ! That night he came outside my door and started saying " Girls . . . you can 't stay there forever , get out ! Who do you think you are ? ! Jesus Christ ? Well I killed him and I 'll kill you too " . Here 's a recording ( https : / / soundcloud . com / ellefg / joaquin ) The next day we called the landlord and told him we wanted to speak about something so he told us to come over at 7PM . Except Joaquin came home at ten to seven and went straight to my room . Just laughing really loudly and being generally freaky . I called the landlord to pick us up and as soon as he came upstairs Joaquin went in to his room . So we went home to wait in my room like bait . Sure enough after half an hour he started slamming his body against my door trying to gain access . I rang the police and they came after fifteen minutes . In that time he was laughing manically , moaning behind the door and exhaling smoke from his joint through my key hole . Once the police arrived we unlocked my door . He had set up camp with multiple pillows , slippers , an ashtray and those weird ass sunglasses . Creepy as fuck . I 've gone to stay with my parents but have to return to university / work tomorrow morning . He was charged with four counts of sexual assault Friday morning but has been released . No one knows where he is and his parents are coming over from Spain to locate him . I 'm scared shitless but I can 't stop living my life over this , hopefully they 'll find him and help him as i 'm sure this was some sort of psychotic episode . Whatever happens I just hope he stays away from us . . . ( Alone at Night Staff Note : The man terrorizing the author of this story sounds like he may suffer from some sort of mental disorder . Linked here is an audio recording of what schizophrenics may hear . Truly terrifying . ) You know what 's really scary ? Really creepy ? Really fucking unsettling and uncomfortable ? Knowing someone was in YOUR home , invading YOUR privacy and YOUR personal space , touching YOUR belongings and doing it more then once . I think we can all relate to the story I am about to share because it is not some rare , random occurance . It didn 't take place in some far off land , or in the middle of no where . It doesn 't sound like it was ripped right out of the plot of some horror movie . This is something that happened to my mom who has lived in the same house for 15 + years , in a neighborhood where everyone knows each other and all of the houses are close together . My mom had a room mate until just a few months ago . When her room mate moved out , my mom was on her own and she kind of liked it ; until about 2 weeks ago . She went out of town for a weekend . While she was gone , I stopped by , got her mail , checked on the house . Everything was good the day before she got home . Well , the morning she got back , I got a frantic phone call from her letting me know that her house had been broken in . The a - holes busted in her front door and stole from her . So , this wasn 't really scary in the traditional " scary " sense ; only scary because people were in her home uninvited . It was also a pain and really of course , feeling unsafe . So , everything got fixed . The door was better and safer then ever , although I don 't think she felt 100 % safe or broken into AGAIN last night . Except there was an element of concern and even more uneasiness in her voice . And of course I am already sick to my stomach , worried about my mom living on her own . But then she tells me the creepy part . This time the dbag broke in through the back door . They didn 't steal anything , and as far as she can tell , they only went into one room ; her bedroom . The reason she knew this was because the light in her bedroom was turned on and only one item had been disturbed . That item was her dresser drawer which held her personal garments . They dumped everything out and turned the drawer upside down . Creepy , right ? Thank goodness my mom was not home . The police were able to track the giant footprints through the snow to an alley , but then they got muddled with all of the other sets of footprints . So , what do you do when you don 't feel safe in your own home ? When you feel like you This happened in the fall of 1993 , when I was 20 years old . In the interest of context , this was before I started college , and I was working in the material prep department of a plastics factory on the night shift . I was the only woman in the department , and my male coworkers were initially skeptical that I could handle the job , but I proved myself and earned their respect . It was hard work , but on the plus side , it also put me in the best shape of my life . It was also about this same time that I 'd dumped I had just gotten off work , and it was about 1 : 30am . My car was running on fumes , so I stopped at a local gas station to fill up . While I was pumping gas , a woman about my age approached me looking nervous and scared . She said that she had been at her boyfriend 's house , and they 'd had a fight . She 'd walked to the gas station to use the pay phone and call a friend to pick her up . On her way to the station , a car pulled up as she was walking and the guys inside started catcalling and harassing her . With a slight movement of her head she indicated a car that was parked off to the side by the gas station dumpsters . I saw right out of the gas station and asked her where she lived . She kept twisting around in the seat to see if the car was behind us , and when I asked her to put her seat - belt on , she ignored me and kept looking for the car . I assumed she was just scared . the car , and she started asking me about money , " Where 's your purse ? Where 's your bag ? I need money . You need to give me some money . " My stomach sank . I have this woman in my car , and now she 's gonna rob me . Fuck . But when I thought about it , robbery just didn 't make much sense . I was driving a 1985 Chevette ( affectionately nicknamed " Shitbox " ) and was wearing my work clothes : a ratty T - shirt and jeans with combat boots . I did NOT look like a person with a lot of cash primarily because I wasn 't a person with a lot of cash . She 'd twisted around in the seat again and started yelling , " There they are ! There they are ! " She didn 't sound scared anymore . I checked the rearview , and sure enough , the light green car is right behind me . She started cackling and bouncing up and down in the seat , " My boys are gonna FUCK YOU UP , bitch ! They 're gonna FUCK YOU UP ! " She 's laughing like crazy , opening the glove box , looking in the back for a bag or purse , telling me all the messed up shit these guys are planning to do to me . Now , if I had been smart , I would have just driven to the police station . Actually , if I had been VERY smart , I would have called the cops from the gas station and waited with her until they arrived . That would have been the intelligent thing to do . Unfortunately , none of this crossed my mind until later . In the moment , I just got really , really fucking angry . I realized 3 key things all at once : as it turned red . I glanced back to see if the green car was still behind me , but the cross traffic at the intersection had started to move , and they hadn 't caught up . The bitch started yelling ; I slammed on the brakes and she hit the dash and windshield with a solid , and viciously satisfying , crack . When she rebounded to the passenger seat , I had the box cutter in her face and was screaming some serious bat - shit crazy . I can 't remember exactly what I said , but it was along the lines of , " Get the FUCK OUT . Get the FUCK out of my car before I CUT OFF passenger door still open . I made a few more turns because I was afraid that the green car might catch up to me . After a little while I stopped to close the passenger door , and then I cut across town and got on to the highway to go home . I was on the highway for about 5 minutes before the shakes started . I pulled off to the shoulder to calm down and get my shit together , and then I drove home . I told my older sister ( I was living with her temporarily after the break - up with my ex ) everything that happened . She wrapped me in a tight bear hug while simultaneously yelling about how stupid I was for not going to the police . I 've never been so glad to be yelled at in my life . I live in North Wales , UK . For anyone who has had the pleasure of visiting , it truly is a beautiful place to live , though , for an adolescent boy , it is certainly lacking in things to do . As a result , my friends and I would often find ourselves mindlessly exploring areas of countryside and coastline . We returned with the necessary equipment and proceeded to unbolt the cover . This had to be done stealthily as the train track was right beside us , not close enough to be of any danger , but definitely a sufficiently small distance to cause panic for any train driver . And panic usually means Police . It wasn 't long before we had removed the heavy steel disc , and had started descending the ladder down into the structure . Once we had all safely reached the bottom , we decided to progress to the other side . At this point , we are totally confined into the narrow space that leads into the main area . If you are confused as to what the hell this ' bridge ' is supposed to be , you probably should be , because it was rather peculiar . I mean , I would have never known there was even an inside had we not found the man - hole . So , as we squeeze and crouch , and at one point scrape along our bellies , to the other side of the structure there is a growing sense of claustrophobia between us . The distance from end to the other is surprisingly long , but by the halfway point you can look down through narrow gaps onto the motorway below . This was actually pretty cool , which helped keep us calm , in a strange way . No more than a few metres beyond halfway ( which we could tell due to the symmetry of the passageways through the bridge ) , one of us claimed they could see some object in the distance at the far end . Slightly hesitantly , we agreed to investigate . Bad move . I reached the end first , and let me tell you , I have never felt the same sense of dread before or since . In front of me was a single fold - away chair positioned facing a wall . On the wall was a partially torn page from a newspaper , or a magazine , showing a fully naked lady in experience as similar to the reality as I could . Now I 'm a few years older , and hopefully a bit braver , I 'm considering going down there again , accompanied of course , to see what fucked up shit might be waiting . This could well happen in the next couple days , and rest assured I will 100 % post an update as I currently have no job , so time is plentiful ! Thanks for reading . they instantly nope 'd the fuck out of there ! As you can imagine , I was massively disappointed . I hope to go back soon with a different bunch of Anyways , my wife and I moved to a really small , mountain town just outside of a bigger town in the Northwest . The town we lived in was incredibly small and only had a population of about 475 people . We found there were no neighbors for about a mile in any direction . It also had huge glass windows downstairs so you could take in all of the beautiful scenery outside . The yard wasn 't fenced , so whenever I let our Pomeranian , Peanut , outside to do his business , I kept a watchful eye on As I shuffle across the kitchen floor towards the cupboard , I see a small silhouette . When my eyes focus , I see that it 's Peanut . He is standing perfectly still , staring intently at the sliding glass door . He 's not barking , and he seems like his hair is standing on end ( but it 's really hard to tell with Pomeranians . . . their poofy hair is always I flip my shit and scream for my wife to phone the sheriff , and the guys turn around and begin walking back towards the woods . Peanut finally begins yapping his head off ( some guard dog he is ) . I grab and load my revolver and head out to check the perimeter ( probably a dumb move ) , and I can 't find any trace of the assholes . The sheriff comes out and he finds nothing but boot prints in one of the flowerbeds under one of the downstairs windows . Without more evidence , the sheriff couldn 't really do anything besides filing a report , and he tries to convince me that it was probably some highschool kids screwing around . My wife and I are terrified , and I decide to keep However , the third night , I see some movement in the woods . It was them . Two cloaked figures , silently moving towards the house . I sit there frozen again , watching them make their way towards my back door . All of the lights in my house were off , so they probably weren 't able to They obviously heard me , or at least heard me fumbling to open the door , and began to turn around and walk back into the woods . At that point , I hear a BANG ! on my front door , and realize there must be a third one at the front of my house . I run out into my back yard and scream at them that they better not fucking come back , and I hustle back in and lock the doors , and my wife has come downstairs at this point . Keep in mind that she never saw the hooded figures the first night , and I think she secretly might have suspected I was just tired and seeing things . Now , however , she was terrified . She had come downstairs when I yelled , and saw the one who must have banged on the front door standing in front of the living room window , lifting up his hand to wave at her . The sheriff came back out and again , nothing could be found , and another worthless report was filed . When our lease was up , we moved the fuck out of there . It probably was some dumbass , small - town kids trying to have some sick , twisted version of " fun , " but it has seriously affected me . I 'm paranoid about windows and doors , and I always sleep with my gun close by . My wife can 't look out of windows at night anymore . Our new house has pretty much every security measure imaginable ( an alarm system , motion sensor lights , heavy locks , etc ) . Anyhow , that 's our story . We also ended up buying a big german shepherd , and though Peanut was initially pretty jealous , they are now quite good friends and my wife and I feel a lot safer with her patrolling the yard . My next door neighbour 's parents moved from India to the U . K back in the 60 's . After retiring they made a habit of heading back there every year to visit family and friends , ultimately spending around half their time travelling through India and half their time here . Long story short , one year they invite my family along . I was 15 ( now 25 ) and thought I was some badass Viking rock - prince because I had long blond hair and read Kerrang . FUN FACT : Curly hair ruins everything . I looked like a fucking cherub . We rock up to this huge hotel in the middle of the jungle . Honestly , the arse - end of nowhere . The nearest village is a three hour drive down a dirt road . Just before sunset . In the fucking jungle . I pull out the brochure . It 'd be safe to say that this place is under new management . There 's a single light on about five storeys up . As we pull in to the drive we spot a group of men clustered around a large fire . One of them stands and starts shouting something but is silenced by the guy next to him with a slap to the back of his head . One of the group comes sauntering over and motions our driver to wind down the window . The place is deserted . Not ' the staff have gone to bed ' deserted , it was like ' whoever WAS here fucking NOPE ' D it out of this place in a hurry ' deserted . There were toppled chairs . In the lobby . Hitchcock tells us that our rooms aren 't ready ( it is now 9pm ) and offers us some food while we wait . The dining room is huge , empty and our order is taken by a boy no older than nine who promptly vanishes , closing the doors behind him . We hear a motorbike engine outside and an hour later something vaguely resembling our order appears on a variety of mismatched dinnerware . No idea where any of it came from . I wake up ( no clue when , clocks clearly didn 't fit with the whole minimalist crack - den vibe the management were going for , but it 's pitch black ) to hear the door to my room clicking shut . The door that is no further than a foot from my head . FUCK THAT . I 'm no Viking rock - prince , I 'm a flying baby that plays a harp . I cower under the surprisingly clean blankets until my heart stops threatening to bust out of my ribs and redecorate the ceiling . Stealthy ninja roll out of my bed and to the door . The bastard is unlocked . FUCK THIS . Barricade that shit with the bedside table . Check little bro is alive . Get into bed . See our bags . Add them to the barricade . Notice that mine is open . FUCK EVERYTHING . everything is intact . I convince myself that I shat my pants over nothing and go back to sleep . Side note , little bro slept through the whole thing . Morning comes and we all want to get out of there as soon as possible . Neighbour 's dad kicks off about how weird the whole thing is to Hitchcock and gets half of our money back . Excellent . We head outside Turns out that our driver , who had a room in the place , had decided to sleep in the bus because he ( his own words ) ' didn 't want their funny business ' . Apparently there were people coming and going all night . He woke up to see a guy , nose against the window , just staring in at him . Driver hit the window and the dude scampered off into the jungle like fucking Mowgli . We give driver an extra huge tip . Hitchcock waves at us from the lobby , adjusts his crotch and plods back in . We leave , thinking something , start losing my shit . Everything from the night before rushes back . I explain what happened and there 's this weird moment of silence while everyone looks at each other . Turns out that everybody heard someone outside / at their door at some point during the night but had deadbolted them before going to sleep . Bro and I had no deadbolt . Hitchcock put us in that fucking room on purpose . Driver suggests that we head back to the hotel and demand satisfaction . Tips galore for Driver . We arrive at hotel . The doors are padlocked . Hitchcock and his cronies have vanished . The cherry on top of this mindfuck cake is the horse . The little metal horse that was sat on our bedside table has been EDIT : The TL ; DR is a just me dicking about . I bloody love India and have been back there twice since this . It is an amazing country and the people are , on the whole , incredibly warm and welcoming . You just get the odd ( emphasis on that word ) few who really skew the average . Posted by { Alone at Night staff note : } So , there are these things called Numbers Stations . They are these short - wave radio frequencies that used by intelligence agencies , of many nations , to provide one - way communication with agents in the field . They 're pretty damn interesting and can be really creepy too . It was around 11 at night and I had just finished working out at the gym . I went to the grocery store to pick up some food for the next couple of days . While at the grocery store , I decided to get $ 120 cash back ; money that I owed my mum , and unbeknownst to me as I left the grocery store , money that I came so close to losing . just got my car not long ago , and the novelty of driving stick hasn 't worn off yet . After about a half hour of driving around the city , I decide it 's about time to head home . As I pass a gas station on the edge much around . There 's an empty lot that 's without light beside the gas station and I notice an SUV sitting there , about 100 - 200m away , but I don 't think much of it . I get out and start pumping gas when I notice a woman come round the corner and walk straight towards me . As soon as I noticed her , a shiver ran down my spine . I instinctively " I have to pay for the gas , " I said , deciding to cut the gas - pumping short . I walked inside and talked to the guy behind the counter . I told him that the girl outside was kind of suspicious and I didn 't know her . He just kind of shrugged and I could tell he wasn 't interested in getting involved so I walked out . I figured she was high or something , but I would find a way to just get her to leave me alone . So many alarm bells were going off in my head already . First , she just looked sort of sketchy . She was dressed well enough , but her face was pretty rough . She was pretty covered in make up , but it didn 't hide a nasty looking sore on her lip . Her sunken eyes were dull , bloodshot , and just . . . dead looking . Second , she didn 't seem like a " damsel in distress , " not at all . She didn 't seem upset and she spoke without much emotion . Reaching for my phone , I realized I had left it in the car . " I 'm cold ! I 've been out here for hours ! " She shouts , pretty angrily for someone who 's asking a favour , I thought . Then I noticed her look at " I 'm freezing ! You said you 'd drive me home ! " " That 's not my problem ! " I started to raise my voice , she started raising hers . We weren 't yelling , but it was getting a little heated . We went back and forth like that for a couple of minutes . My mind was racing ; I thought about losing my car , about getting stabbed or shot , about getting robbed for the $ 120 I had in my wallet . . . I just lost it on her . " GET THE FUCK BACK . YOU DON ' T KNOW WHO I AM . GET THE FUCK BACK RIGHT NOW . " I guess I was in fight mode at this point . I was pretty ready to just fucking clock this bitch if she tried anything , as awful as that may sound . I think I caught her off guard or something , because she stepped back right away . after she said that . I was out of fight mode and into fucking FLIGHT mode . I watched her until she got a decent distance away , noticing she was walking sort of towards the SUV . I didn 't watch for much longer . I hopped in my car and peeled the fuck out of there . I turned into a random subdivision , making sure I wasn 't being followed . I called the cops and they said they 'd send a car but there wasn 't much they could do because there was no real crime committed , but Sorry if this is a bit wordy , but I 'm not sure the best way to tell this story yet . I 'm a bit obsessed with the details of what happened , that 's what 's got me so disturbed . The emotionless way she spoke , the creepy way she looked , that SUV . . . . fuck , I 'm surprised I didn 't just burst into fucking tears there . I mean I 've been jumped before but this just seemed so crazy and predatory . The last thing she said to me has absolutely haunted me . . . " You better get out of here right now then . " Laying it all out like that , so suddenly giving up the damsel in distress act . . . that has to be the worst part of this for me . Posted by When I worked in a coffee shop after high school , I had several customers ask me out or ask for my number & I said no to every single one . However , Dave was persistent . He ordered a strawberries and creme frappuccino from the cashier and chatted me up while I was making it for him . He asked for my number , but I politely declined to give it to him . He got back in line 20 minutes later and ordered the same exact drink again . He said " I ordered 2 drinks I didn 't want just to talk to you again ! " I thought it was cute so I agreed to give him my number . work a few hours before we were scheduled to meet up . I stopped by and we went for a walk , where he tactfully blurted out , " So this is just going to be a fling right ? " I was insulted that he was already thinking about hooking up but somehow he recovered because the date was still on . bad idea , I realize this ) and gave me flowers when I arrived . Things were looking better . After dinner we played some drinking games with his roommate , Joe , who turned out to be a great guy & made the evening tolerable . At one point Joe & I were having a great conversation and laughing a lot . In a sudden jealous rage , Dave snapped at Joe , asking why Joe didn 't just take me out . It was scary since I hadn 't even know Dave for 24 hours . Joe mentioned that he had to head out soon . When Dave left the room to grab another beer , I begged Joe not to leave me alone with Dave . Joe apologized but did eventually leave . The evening degenerated from there , with the most memorable bit of conversation being Dave telling me how his dad tried to kill his mom with a shotgun . Luckily , I was saved by a phone call from my younger brother , Matthew . He needed a ride home from a that he was ready to leave . The short ride to my parents ' house was incredibly awkward and quiet . I walked Matthew to the door and he told me he had accidentally bumped into Dave at the party his response was " Your sister & I were having a great time until you ruined our night . Also , if you bump into me again I 'll break your fucking arm . " to his apartment . Luckily the ride was without incident , unless you count him trying to talk me into going back inside with him . I firmly said " No " until he got out of my car and then I sped away . The next day I got a text from him saying ' Not a good sign when the flowers are left behind : ( . ' I responded with ' Not a good sign when you threaten my brother and accuse him of ruining your night . ' He tried to say he had been kidding & that Matthew had taken it wrong but I didn 't believe him , especially after the shady things Dave had already done the night before . Plus my brother is sacred to me , and I would never let anyone harm him in any way , so the incident from the night before was enough to turn me off of Dave forever . I replied , " Matthew thinks you 're a real piece of shit . I trust his judgment completely . Piss off and don 't contact me again . " Luckily , he heeded my bitchy text . Looking back , I realize I should have done a lot of things differently and that I was extremely lucky that Dave never did anything to harm me when we were alone . My brother was only 17 at the time , but he was a big guy ( 6 ' 2 " , 200 + lbs ) . I 'm not sure why I didn 't drive Dave About a year ago I was attending film school , and I lived out in Hollywood . I was 21 years old , and stayed in a gated apartment complex . Getting home at late hours the community gym would be closed , So I 'd go jogging at nighttime - - Usually doing laps around the outside of my complex . While jogging I slowed to a walk . I took my headphones off , and looked at my iPhone to change the song I was running to . I had a weird hunch like I was being watched . I looked across the street , and there was a tall dark skinny man . He was wearing nothing but red underwear , and unbuttoned shirt . As soon as I noticed him , he began to open the unbuttoned part of his shirt seductively revealing his torso . " WHERE THE FUCK - FUCK # $ % # @ $ % " He was just screaming nonsense . I 'm now sprinting at full speed . In the midst of this that nutjob in his underwear is STILL chasing me , STILL yelling . I eventually turn around ; he 's gone . After I got inside I told my roommates what what happened . We joked about it for a little , - - - Then there was a loud bang at my our door . We all went up to the door , and opened it . Nothing . - - - No one was there . We all went outside looked around . - - - No one was there . kind . Anyway . I was staying out of town for a class in a motel by myself . Being a student , I went cost over amenities and ended up In one of those deals that 's two stories with all doors accessible from the outside . On this night , my room was in the back of the motel on the bottom floor . After I 'd gone in to get settled I came back out in front of my car to have a cigarette . As I was smoking , I looked up and noticed because he didn 't seem to have come from a room . He walked the length of the upper balcony , down the stairs and then back across the bottom , passing where I was standing . He didn 't stop or speak , but as he approached I was terrified . Hairs on neck raised , goosebumps , the whole deal . I recall thinking that I shouldn 't dart back into my room because I careful , okay ? " Now we are not a family who says " be careful " and " I love you " on the phone so I asked why she said it . She replied she just had a weird feeling , so I told her about the man . We decided I should call the front desk and at least see if he was staying there , so I hung up with her , put a chair in front of the door ( because of course I was scared again ) and made the call . guy on the property who was kind of giving me the creeps . She immediately replied , " With the red shirt ? " I swear my blood ran cold . Turns out he was a guest but he 'd been walking around for the past 3 hours and intermittently coming to the lobby only to abruptly leave when another guest entered . The check - in girl was so freaked she called her roommate to stay with her until her shift ended . After I hung up I could not stay there through the night so I packed up , ran to my car and drove around to the front to check - out and get the story from the girl . She was just as scared as me . The guy had an out of state plate and even when he didn 't enter the lobby he would stand outside and peer in . The girl had the distinct impression he was trying to get her alone . Needless to say I haven 't stayed at that hotel since . Sort of anti - climatic there but words cannot describe the terror ( not an exaggeration ) that I got from the presence of this man . I fully expected into the dating scene I tried doing the whole OKCupid thing . It was alright . I honestly wasn 't too active on it . I 'd check my account a few times a week and message some profiles of girls that I thought were pretty . 95 % of the time my messages would go unanswered . I 'd guess it was mostly because many of my messages in retrospect were pretty uncreative and dry . we had in common . I also need to reiterate that her pictures were smoking which most definitely clouded my judgement . I should also mention that I 'm former military and an Afghan veteran , so nothing really scares me . Almost immediately after pressing " send " she responded . We messaged each other through the OKCupid messenger service for about a week and I got to learn a lot about her . Her name was Aoife ( pronounced EE - FAH ) and didn 't really bother me ) and had a very long complicated story about how she grew up a Catholic in Northern Ireland during the troubles and was orphaned at a young age . She seemed really driven and had such an amazing story . I had so many questions and in all reality a lot of respect for her , so it was really easy to keep talking to her . her daughter , friends , etc . For the most part this whole thing seemed legit . The stories she had were pretty detailed and she was talking about stuff that I really didn 't know a lot about and honestly couldn 't comprehend . didn 't add up . At first she told me she was a hair stylist at some swank place in Central London . I don 't really frequent Central a lot . . . so ok . . . no biggie . I 'd just met her online . . . I wasn 't going to head into central to stalk her at work . ( which I looked up on the internet and is a real place ) and managed it on weekends . She had detailed stories about the bouncers and regulars , etc . This didn 't seem to make a lot of sense but ok . . . I mean I guess you could do both jobs and be a full time mom ? It seemed odd , but she seemed driven , and she also seemed really hot so who was I to judge ? Again , I wasn 't going to be super creeper and pop down there . . . I just took her word for it . She also said she lived in a really nice penthouse near Covent Garden . . . which if anyone knows the London real estate market didn 't seem plausible on a hairdresser / barmaid 's wages ( She explained this by saying that she 'd fallen into some money after the troubles . It seemed kinda far fetched , but again , without actually meeting her who am I to judge ? ) I started to notice some other weird things . She 'd send me pictures and in some of them certain tattoos were present , in some they weren 't . I figured she was just sending old pictures but I remember that is what started to tip me off that things were fishy to say the least . But again , there 's really nothing wrong with sending old pictures and I had no real reason not to believe the photos were Aoife . They all seemed like the same girl and with the excpetion of the tattoos and some small changes in hair colour . Nothing really seemed out of the ordinary . She would also send me pictures of her daughter , Roisin ( whom she claimed was 14 ) . on a date . I figured it was time I finally meet her . We 're set to meet up on a Friday night and on that Friday she doesn 't respond to a single text or call . I had nowhere to meet her . By around 9pm she texts saying things got out of control at her pub , and she was really sorry but she had to cancel . I was upset and should have bailed there , but I forgave her and we agreed to set up another first meeting . Things from here really started to get weird . As I said I was doing the online dating thing , and in this time I 'd met a few other girls . Another girl named Jo had asked me out ( who turned out to be a psychopath , but that 's just because she had an uncontrollable temper . . . and is nothing interesting enough to put on this subreddit ) . I went out with Jo one night in an area of London called Shoreditch ( which isn 't too far from where Aoife 's pub was ) . While I was out Aoife called and texted me a few times . I basically just ignored the calls . When the date was over , I said " bye " to Jo and went home and called Aoife . She asked where I was , and basically . . . well I lied . . . I said I was out with a friend . Aoife didn 't say anything and we talked on the phone for a bit and then said goodnight . my lie . She claimed knew that I was out with another girl . She knew which restaurant I was at and the night that I 'd been there . She knew what Jo had looked like . Aoife claimed that one of the bouncers from her pub knew what I looked like because she had shown him photos and he recognised me when I came through the doors at the restaurant in Shoreditch . ( This didn 't make a lot of sense because I didn 't see any bouncers at the restaurant we were at . . . but maybe he was bartending or something . I didn 't know . She had details and they were spot on . ) This was odd to say the least . I think we fought for a little bit . Didn 't talk for a few weeks . Then one night she called me really late . It seemed off so I answered . She was panicking . From what I could tell she was suffering from sleep paralysis . . . which I know is scary so I stayed on the phone with her until she went back to sleep . This happened a few more times . I really had no intention to date or even see her . I went home to the US for about a month and while we did keep limited contact , there was nothing too serious and my expectations were pretty low . After I had gotten back to London she invited me out . I don 't remember much of the details but , she ended up canceling on me again . I basically decided " fuck it . " I wasn 't even upset . We 'd text a little bit , but the communications really started to die down . I really didn 't think much about it and went on with my life . was in the same area of town ( 2 stops away ) and I didn 't see any harm in it . She told me to meet her up in Camden and she 'd be at the Wetherspoons ' Pub at noon . It wasn 't a date ( at least in the romantic sense - - which was good ) and at this point I was really curious as to who she was . I 'd literally spent hours talking and texting to this girl . So I don 't know Camden that well and I 'm getting texts from her on the way up there as I 'm trying to find the Wetherspoons ' ( It 's right by the Lock in Camden by the way ) . She 's telling me she 's at work and in the process of selling her share in the bar but she 's on her way . Another friend of her 's is at the bar , but " he 's a great guy , you 'll like him . " Again , I was already right there . Might as well meet her friend . Reece was a tall skinny Ginger kid . He was about 21 and had a thick Irish accent . I walked up to him shook his hand and we got drinks . He seemed nice enough and for as weird as the situation could potentially be it wasn 't all that uncomfortable . Another one of his friends was there as well . They seemed like two nerds in their early twenties . They talked about football and videogames and all the other stuff twenty - something kids talk about mixed in with a little bit of politics and a couple random questions about " how do you know Aoife ? " etc . I 'd been in Afghanistan fighting the Taliban a few years prior , this situation was 't anything to be concerned about . Then I got a text from Aoife . Something along the lines of " Hey , getting tied up , be there in about an hour . " Reece seemed nice enough . So we hung out got a few beers , and moved on to the next pub . Still no Aoife . my beer pretty well . Another apologetic text from Aoife rolls in . " Fuck it . . . we 're drinking " I thought and we were having a good enough time . Reece would ask me random questions about Aoife , but I basically shrugged it off to it being one of the only few things we had in common . We bar hopped around Camden and went to the Hawley Arms ( Redditors may know this bar because it 's one of Amy Winehouse 's old haunts ) . At one point I was in the cue to buy a round of drinks and felt like this guy was way too close to me . I turned around and saw an overweight old man with an ugly brown jacket and a pock - marked face . He had a crucifix tattooed on his neck . In all honesty ; a typical barfly you 'd see in any British pub . I said " excuse me " and walked past him . We continued to drink and bullshit the day away . By this time it was like 2 : 30 - 3 and Aoife is nearing three hours late . I decide " Fuck it . . . lets go to the Lock Tavern ( her bar ) . " Reece and his friend seemed cool with it . We get there and there 's two Irish tri - colours flying above the place . " Yeah . . . you can tell Aoife owns the We went into her place and I text her to tell her we 're there . " Oh great , I 'm almost done with this , I 'll be down in a minute . " She never comes down . But this is when the story gets really really weird . This other dude named Pete shows up shakes Reece 's hand and Reece says " oh you 're here to meet Eva " ( Keep in mind that Aoife and Eva are phonetically almost identical names ) . I look at Reece and he 's like " Ah this must seem weird . . . Eva is Aoife 's best friend . " Now this seemed really weird but I needed to figure out what was going on . These two girls have almost exactly the same name and I had never heard Aoife mention Eva before . I start talking to Pete and Reece starts asking similar questions to him about " Eva " that he was asking me about Aoife . But some of these questions were getting more serious . He was asking him things like " Do you love her ? " Pete 's story then starts to sound eerily similar to mine : Pete meets Eva online , she 's from N . Ireland , has a daughter named Roisin ( In his version she 's 12 ) . He 'd tried to meet up with her a few times but it fell though . He was invited last minute to hang out today . " Oh shit , this is weird . " Is all I could think . Something wasn 't right . At this point I knew that someone was getting played ( probably me ) and I was in some kind of game but I needed to figure out what exactly was going on . Pete and I started to figure out things right about the same time and right in front of Reece who stuck to his guns on the story remarkably well . " They both have similar names . . . they both have daughters that are around the same age with a really common Irish name . " I 'm not buying it . leave . " Aoife " sends me a text saying she 's almost on her way down . " Great , I said . . . meet us up the street at some other pub . " Pete and I start walking out . On the way out I asked the bartender " Hey is Aoife * * * * * * * * * * working today ? He responds " no mate , Aoife * * * * * * * * * * * hasn 't We head to the next pub . I 've got a good buzz going on , but I know I need to sober the fuck up and fast . I think Pete might be a victim in this game too , but he might not be . He for sure can 't be trusted . Reece and his buddy are suspect as well but I don 't have any proof yet and my curiosity is keeping me there . We walk into another pub . Reece 's friend says something to Reece and I don 't hear it . Neither does Pete . Reece looses it . He yells at his friend and his friend basically says " fuck you , I 'm out " and takes off . Pete and I are still trying to put things together . I find a table on an outdoor deck . It 's quiet . I can think , and I can piece this together . It 's amazing how fast you can sober up when you think you 're in trouble . I ask Pete if he has any pictures of " Eva . " and Pete pulls out his phone . He shows me a picture that I 'd seen before . " Wait , That 's Roisin ( Aoife 's daughter ) . " " No mate , that 's Eva . " Pete replies . This is making I showed Pete pictures that I had of Aoife . He claimed he 'd never seen the girl in the photos before . Reece was sticking to the story that That 's when it dawned on me . I simply looked at Pete and asked him " what number do you have in your phone for Eva ? " Pete reads the number on his phone and it turns out being the EXACT same number I had for Aoife in my phone . If all the other clues hadn 't added up , this one sent At this point it was just me and Reece . I don 't think that he had overheard that we both had the same number for someone that he was telling me were two separate girls . Reece said that Aoife and Eva had texted him and that they 're on their way . I don 't know who Aoife and Eva are at this point or if they even exist . I basically tell Reece that I think he 's playing some kind of fucked up game and that he 's " more than suspect " of wrongdoing . He took offense this and at physically threatened me . He wasn 't a big dude and knew that if he stepped to me it and get home . I wasn 't waiting for anything . At this point I have no idea what the fuck is going on . At best I 'd been in some sort of weird Manti Te ' o type Catfish scam at worst I was almost a victim in a snuff movie . I get on the tube and there 's a guy right behind me . I look at him . He 's overweight , pock - marked face , brown jacket . We make eye contact . I look at his neck and there 's the crucifix tattoo . It was the same guy from the Hawley Arms . I 'm a bit worried , but I 've been under worse pressure before in my life . I calmly sat down on the train . The train was being held in Camden for some reason and wasn 't moving . That 's when who jumps on the same carriage as the two of us ? Reece . I could have sworn he made eye contact and gave a nod to the man in the brown jacket . At this point I played dumb that they were there . On the London Tube there 's a certain dinging noise that 's made right before door . I ran around and doubled back on the tube several times . When I finally got back near home I texted a friend in New Cross and told her I I had a few calls from " Aoife " the next few days but I never wanted to answer them . She also sent a few texts saying we needed to talk . Eventually she stopped calling and texting altogether . I have a few theories on the whole issue . One of my friends thinks that Reece and Aoife are the same person . I wouldn 't rule it out but the person I talked to on the phone definitely sounded like a woman . Anyway , I thought I 'd share . To those of you who are dating online and meeting sketchy people , be safe about it . Never let your curiosity get to you like it did me . If there 's anyone out there who has any idea what was going on feel free to share or play your theories off me . I 'm still baffled by the whole thing . ( Hello Alone at Night visitors . Our new book is alive ! It 's available on Amazon . I love to ride my bike along the country roads of a . . . This happened to me about 12 years ago when I was 10 . Still to this day it creeps me out . Down the road from my house is a petrol station . I . . . Hello , Alone at Night Scary Stories fans . Big news . You can read more about Alone at Night 's Patreon account here . Alone at Night h . . . Hello , Alone at Night fans . We 're still waiting for our first Patreon contributor . Will it be you ? If you enjoy the content that Alon . . . |
I felt sad the morning we left Beijing . I had truly enjoyed my time in China and was sad to be leaving . But at the same time , I knew that in a matter of hours , my life - long dream would be coming true ! How could I stay sad with that in mind ? We said our good - byes to Mike at the airport and promised to keep in touch . If you ever need a tour guide for Beijing , Mike Zhang from Beijing Private Tours is the best . Anyway , we went our separate ways and when we reached the ticket counter we were informed that we would be able to change our tickets to a direct flight to Japan . Instead of having to lay - over in Hong Kong , we would be able to be in Japan in just a few short hours ! This was the best news ever ! I could hardly contain my excitement ! The time came for us to board our plane and take the 4 hour journey to the island of Japan . As we were in the air I began to get really nervous . All kinds of thoughts were rushing through my mind . What if we got to Japan and I didn 't like it ? What if it 's not everything I hoped it would be ? What happens then ? Everything in my life had led up to this moment - all of my past and all of my plans for the future would be wasted if it turned out that it wasn 't what I had thought . Until those few hours sitting in the airplane , those thoughts had never crossed my mind and I felt as though my entire identity would be destroyed if that was the case . As we began our descent I looked out the window at the green grass and mountains and teared up . I wiped the tears from my eyes as a feeling of peace and excitement replaced my fears . I knew at that moment that this was so right . That this was the right direction for my life . I felt my self grinning from ear to ear . After a bit of a struggle to figure out transportation and our money situation at the Narita Airport , we were able to board a train that would take us to Shinagawa , the ward in Tokyo that we would be staying in . We started out in a tunnel , but when we finally made it outside , I couldn 't take my eyes off the scenery that was passing me by . Even when my neck started to hurt , I didn 't want to look away for fear of missing out on something . I tried to commit everything I was seeing to my permanent memory . The sound of the Japanese language ringing through my ears was wonderful ! My heart ached to be able to someday be fluent in Japanese . How could I have doubted that I wouldn 't have liked Japan ? ! I was already so in love with everything and I hadn 't even been off the train yet ! I don 't think I had ever been so happy and grateful in my life . By the time we reached Shinagawa station , it was dark outside . It took us a few minutes to find our way out of the station and when we did , we didn 't need to look far to find our hotel . We stayed in Shinagawa Prince Hotel , which is located directly across the street from the Shinagawa station . Shinagawa Prince Hotel is such a cool place to stay , by the way ! They have their own aquarium and three towers of hotels and restaurants . I loved staying there . We went to drop our things off in our rooms and I ran to the window to get a good look of the city of Tokyo . When I threw back the curtains I saw fireworks going off ! I tried to get a good picture but it ended up being a bit blurry . As a joke , I told my grandma that they must be doing fireworks because they knew I was coming and wanted to welcome me to Japan . Really , the fireworks were because we arrived on one of the days of the Bon Festival . We were all hungry and Tyler and I wanted to eat real Japanese food so we split up from my grandparents . They went to the McDonald 's near our hotel and Tyler and I went walking around Tokyo to find a good place to eat . We didn 't walk far before we found a ramen shop so we decided to stop there . We entered inside and ordered us the best ramen I have ever had ! I can 't remember the exact kind I ordered , but it was so delicious ! I have never really liked Top Ramen like we have in America , but I really can 't eat it at all now that I have had the real stuff . It was sweltering hot in the ramen shop but we were so hungry so it didn 't matter much . Here 's a fun fact for you - when you are eating ramen , it 's polite to slurp . Because slurping isn 't really polite in America , I had to get used to it at first , but once I got the hang of slurping , it was really fun ! We finished eating and decided to take a look around . We walked for probably close to an hour and a half . So many people were dressed up for Bon in their Yukata and they all looked so elegant ! I wanted to wear a Yukata too ! Tyler and I crossed to the other side of the station where there were more restaurants and shops . We eventually walked to a four way stop that gave us a magnificent view of the Tokyo Tower all lit up for the night . It was beautiful ! I was happy to spend time with Tyler like this in Japan because Japan had kind of connected us since we were little kids . We had a full day tour of Tokyo the next day so we decided to head back to the hotel and get some rest . On our way back I decided I wanted to take a picture with some girls in Yukata . After Tyler helped me work up my courage , I asked a group of girls in my best Japanese if they would let me take a picture with them . They were gracious and said yes . Unfortunately , the picture didn 't turn out … The car ride was a little long . We drove farther out into the Chinese country side toward Dragon Gorge . As we drove , Mike told us a story about a Chinese Emperor who was looking for the Fountain of Youth . He would send people out to look for it and if they couldn 't find it he would kill them . Since no one could find it , the Emperor killed many people . One day a man came to him and told him that he would be able to find the Fountain of Youth if the Emperor would send him with a large group of men and women and supplies to help them survive . Desperate , the Emperor agreed to give the man everything he had asked for . But the joke was on the Emperor . The man took the group of people and left China . Mike speculated that this group of people may have gone to Japan but no one knows for sure . Anyway , I thought it was interesting . Dragon Gorge starts out as a cute little town made up of a hotel and restaurants . There was a place for a stage where parties often occur . It was a cute little town . The mountains surrounding it had red Chinese characters but I didn 't ask what they meant . Going to Dragon Gorge was my grandpa 's idea and I 'm glad he thought to go there . It was well worth the trip . We walked a little ways more and entered into the mouth of a dragon that was attached to a cliff . Inside of the dragon were escalators that would take you to the top of the dam that was nearby . We walked through a cave and found our way to the small boats that would take us on a lovely river tour of Dragon Gorge . It was cooler here than anywhere else we had been so far . We had to climb over a few boats before we could make it to ours . I was a little nervous that I would fall in the water because there were gaps in between the boats . But that was kind of an unrealistic thought . Still though … it would have been bad if I had . We found seats and sat down . The trip down the river was relaxing . Tall cliffs surrounded us on both sides of the river and many of the cliffs had blaring red words looking down on us . It was gorgeous and relaxing and wonderful ! We passed by a place where you could stop off on your way back to the entrance and bungee jump . Tyler and I told Mike that he should try it . He wasn 't too thrilled with that idea though . We continued on for a few minutes more and were dropped of at a landing site that had a small Buddhist temple at the top and other paths you could hike along if you wanted . We went up to the temple . It was quite and peaceful . There was a small souvenir shop just before you climbed the stairs to the temple . I wondered how often people actually purchased anything from that shop . Tyler and I entered into the temple where there was a big bell . I stepped up and rang it . The sound was deep and lovely and it echoed off the mountains . We didn 't stay long , but I 'm glad I went in to take a look . As we headed back down the mountain to meet our boat , Mike asked us a surprising question . He looked at us and asked , " You do this , right ? " , as he crossed himself . I was so surprised that he asked us that ! Christian religion is not something really allowed in China . I felt nervous answering him because I didn 't want him to get in trouble , but we answered his question and explained that though we are Christians , we don 't cross ourselves . He asked about our family 's life style and the roll of women and things he couldn 't have asked anywhere else besides out in the middle of nowhere . Once again , I was hit with the realization that China is not a free country and I felt a little sad that these people are so curious and yet are kept from things they really want to discover . I felt lucky and so proud to be an American . The questions didn 't last long though as we made our way back to the boat . We made it back to the entrance of Dragon Gorge and after taking a few more pictures made our way out of the park . As we were leaving , a little girl came up to me and wanted to speak English . I could tell she was unsure of herself so I said something in Chinese to try and open her up a little bit . She said hello and went on her way . Mike said she was too shy to speak English with me . She was sure cute , though ! We left Dragon Gorge and headed back to Beijing . Tonight , Mike was going to treat us to our next culinary adventure - Hot pot ! Hot pot is basically seasoned water you boil at your table and dip meat and other vegetables into to cook them . I loved it ! It was so hot in that restaurant though , that people were taking their shirts off ! It was rather shocking ! And I could have done without the cigarette smoke that floated around the restaurant . But I loved hot pot . My favorite was the beef . It was so thinly sliced and tender and delicious ! We made a huge mess at dinner but I don 't think anyone in the restaurant got away clean either , so I don 't feel too bad . Next time I have hot pot it won 't be in the middle of the summer . It 's much too hot . We had one more item on our agenda that day , and that was a drive past the Olympic Village . We were tired so we didn 't get out to look around but I will never forget how beautiful the Bird 's Nest and Water Cube were ! Beijing is an amazing place . I 'm glad the 2008 Olympics were held there . I hope someday I can go back and visit again . This was our last night in Beijing . In the morning we were heading to Japan ! Finally I would be in the place I had only dreamed I would ever see ! I was so excited ! But at the same time , I had so completely enjoyed my time in Beijing that I was sad to go . After only two days with Mike , it felt as if we had been life long friends . Beijing was more than I had ever expected . I 'm so grateful I was able to spend time there . Mike dropped us off at our hotel and told us he would pick us up and take us to the airport in the morning . I went to bed that night dead tired and with bittersweet feelings . Like I said , I hope I can return to Beijing someday . Early . We woke up earlier than normal . The breakfast buffet the hotel prepares in the mornings wasn 't even ready . It may have been an early morning , but I was glad to have slept like a rock during the night . Mike picked us up at the lobby after breakfast and we left to go to the Great Wall . This is a must see if you go to China . It was surprisingly not far from where we were staying in Beijing . Mike took us to a section of the Wall called " Mutianyu " . We got there early enough that there weren 't too many tourists there . We parked and had to climb a very steep hill to get to a tram that took you the rest of the way up the mountain . The path to the tram was lined on either side with tiny shops . " Good deal for you ! Only one dollar ! " could be heard echoing through the street . We made it up the hill and jumped on the tram . We had the option of waiting to ride in the same car that Bill Clinton had taken when he was president , but we didn 't take it . When we got to the wall , there were a few stairs we had to climb to get to the main part of the wall . The stones were steep and worn . When we made it to the top of the wall , I looked over at the mountain to my left . It had Chinese written on it . I was curious what it said so I asked Mike . He said the characters meant " Loyal to Mao " . Another reminder that this was a communist country . It was easy to forget that sometimes . It felt free , like America , but little reminders would pop up every now and again . Like how Mike didn 't know what Facebook was or how he had never been able to use YouTube . The section of the wall we went to wasn 't very long . I 'm sure it wasn 't much more than a mile but it was actually pretty hard work making our way along the wall . It rose and fell with the peaks of the mountain so it was an up and down hill battle . The walk ways were crumbling a little so you had to be very careful where you stepped or else you would take a nasty tumble . It was incredible to see how long the wall went . Farther than I could see . Each post was a nice break because the air would blow through them and create a natural air conditioner . It was wonderful ! The whole time we were on the wall all I could think of was " Mulan " . Quotes kept rushing through my head like , " Now all of China knows you are here ! " and " How many people does it take to deliver a message ? - One " . And of course , the songs from " Mulan " were on repeat inside my head . I even caught myself humming them as I walked along . It didn 't take too long to reach the end of our Great Wall tour . At the end we were given the option of walking down the hill or taking a toboggan down the mountain . Needless to say , we took the toboggan . It was so freaking awesome ! ! ! We went down the metal half - pipe at lightning fast speed ! Or we would have but sometimes we got in a bit of a traffic jam . At the end of the toboggan ride there were a couple of guys dressed up in old fashioned Chinese clothes so we paid them and took a picture with them . They were really funny guys . I 'm glad I got a picture with them . I wanted to get some souvenirs and do some bargaining before we left the Great Wall . I ended up getting a couple of t - shirts that said " I < 3 北京 Now more then ever " . I had to buy them because of the grammatical error on the shirt - everyone needs a grammatically incorrect Asia t - shirt . Plus I wanted a Beijing t - shirt . She wanted the equivalent of $ 50 for two shirts but I talked her down to $ 40 . I felt really good about it too . But … I didn 't bargain very well . I could have gotten them a lot cheaper so Tyler made fun of me for the rest of the day . He still does on occasion . We left the Great Wall and stopped at a roadside restaurant . It was such a cool restaurant because you had to catch your own fish and then they would cook it for you . It was so fun ! Tyler caught the fish right away and they cooked it up for us . We had an eggplant dish and some other egg dish . I really liked everything we ate . The egg thing was interesting , but not my favorite . But everything else was really good . We ate outside under a shaded pavilion . The ambiance was wonderful ! The car felt good . Even though Tyler , Grandma and I were crammed in the tiny back seat of Mike 's VW , I still fell asleep . The air - conditioning was too much to resist after a good meal and a full morning . I was so glad to finally have a chance to rest for a little bit . I woke up the beeping of Mike 's car parallel parking down the street from the Summer Palace . We got out of the car and walked by a tunnel entrance . I 'm not sure where it lead to , but the smell of urine was quite powerful . The walk wasn 't far to the gate of the Summer Palace . I was struck by the beauty of the Summer Palace as soon as we passed through the entrance gate . Immediately in front of us was a beautiful lake surrounded by pagodas and trees . To our left there was a long bridge over the lake and to our right stood the enormous palace where Empress Cixi Dowager had once lived . Before we had entered the Palace gate , Mike had us read a short description of the place we would be visiting . We had been trying to pronounce Chinese the correct way since we had started this leg of our journey , so when my grandpa read the Summer Palace description he pronounced " Cixi " in a funny way that made Mike laugh . " Cixi " is pronounced as " sushi " according to Mike , but the way my grandpa had said it sounded more like " Sexy " . Mike laughed so much . That became a running joke for the rest of our trip . Anyway , there were boats floating out on the lake . Some were paddle boats , but the ones I was most impressed with were the dragon boats that carried tourists to the Palace on the other side of the lake . They were huge ! And oh so beautiful . We walked up and around the bridge which was really steep and for some reason , I remember it being a little slippery . But it was magnificent ! After that we decided to take a boat over to the palace . It was slow moving but another welcome rest . We docked right next to a boat made out of marble . How that thing floated , I don 't know . I guess water displacement is the answer . Just like for all other boats - it 's science ! The boat rocked a little as we all climbed out . Back on solid ground , we made our way along a path that led up to a museum about Empress Dowager . There was a photo of Chairman Mao inside the museum that I took a picture of . Later I realized I wasn 't supposed to do that … oops . I heard all through the museum Chinese tourists whispering , " Sushi , sushi ! " . I determined to look up Cixi 's history when I returned to America . If you ever get the chance , look up her history . It 's very interesting . Mike took us down the hill that led us away from the museum and over to an outdoor hallway called the Long Corridor . It really is a " Long Corridor " too . It goes on for a half mile ! In every section of the corridor there are paintings that tell a story . We stopped for a rest after walking a ways down the corridor and Tyler pointed out a painting and began making up a story about what was happening in the picture . We all laughed . Even though we were in a shady spot and the sun was starting to drop in the sky , it was so hot ! We kept walking and headed toward the palace . When we made it there , my jaw dropped . The stairs . There were so many stairs . I was tired and there were so . Many . Stairs . Not as many as at Big Buddha , granted , but still . I wasn 't as tired then . We had to pass through a few gates before we got to the main staircase for the palace . It sat all the way at the top of the hill . The staircases were made out of marble . I kept thinking , " What a stupid stone to make stairs out of . They are so slippery ! " . I really think people must have slipped and cracked their heads all the time . The stairs on their own would have made a great defense if the palace ever got attacked . The walk up to the palace was quite beautiful . It was slippery and I was tired but it was worth it . The view was amazing ! You could see everything and I was so happy to be there ! I think that 's how things go in life though . The things that take the most effort in life are the things that are most worth it in the end . The climb down was a little dangerous and I slipped a couple times but we made it down safely . It was time to go . We made it back to the entrance to the Summer Palace after walking along the rest of the Long Corridor and through a maze of water lilies . Outside the gates my grandpa bought us some soft serve ice cream . I don 't remember what the flavor was exactly . I think it was vanilla , but it tasted different than any vanilla I had ever tried . It was sweet and tangy and cold and delicious ! The sun was setting but Mike had a few more things on our agenda . He took us to a Chinese acrobat / Kung - Fu show . It was pretty awesome ! I didn 't take any pictures since it was in a theater but it was pretty cool . It was performed by teenagers who were still in school . I don 't know how anyone could ever move like that . The last event for our night was dinner . Mike took us to a Peking Duck restaurant . The hostess led us to a private room where Mike ordered Coke and Sprite for everyone . I left to go to the bathroom , a dreaded event for me since pretty much all the toilets I had encountered that day were squatters . When I came back , Tyler had hidden my backpack . This had become an on - going event because whenever I would leave I would say , " Don 't let anyone steal my stuff " . So he would hide my backpack and say someone had stolen it . I knew Tyler wouldn 't tell me where it was so I tried to get Mike to fess up , but he wouldn 't . He thought it was funny too . What they didn 't understand is that even though , I knew they had it , I got this horrible anxious feeling without it close by . After all , it had all my money , passport and souvenirs in it . We sat around the table and waited for our food to come . When it did , it smelled magnificent ! They brought us what seemed to be tortillas with the Peking Duck . The idea was that you would roll up the duck in the small tortilla and dip it in sauce . The meal was delicious ! I 'm not normally one for dark meat but I really enjoyed it . Mike told us the duck 's head was a delicacy so he ordered it for us . Tyler ate the bill of the duck and I ate the brain . I 'll try anything once , as long as it 's not bugs … The brain was good . It was pasty but tasted like meat . I would probably eat it again . Mike drove us back to the hotel and once again told us when he 's pick us up the next day . We thanked him and went up to bed . I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow . I need my rest for the next day because we were going to the Great Wall . Still on our first day in Beijing . We left the Forbidden City to take a tour of the Hutongs . Hutongs are traditional Chinese neighborhoods . There are little shops mixed into the neighborhoods but mostly they are made up of small shack - like houses . Mike said he grew up in a hutong but he no longer lives in one . Hutongs are pretty dirty looking compared to any neighborhoods I 've ever seen . The one we went to in particular was a bit of a tourist spot , it seemed like to me . My grandparents had done this same tour a few years previous when they came to Beijing for the first time and loved it so much that they wanted Tyler and I to experience it as well . But this time we had a specific errand to run while we were there . My grandparents brought us back necklaces made from pottery the last time they were there so my mother wanted us to get one for her . We were on a mission to find the shop that sold the jewelry . Mike took us to a bike rental shop and then off we went against the crazy Beijing traffic . They don 't follow the rules of the road in Beijing very well . Stop lights often don 't mean much . While we rode into the hutong we noticed a lot of rickshaws passing by . Apparently you can pay to have a rickshaw runner take you around the hutong , but I 'm glad we rode bikes instead . The streets were tiny . The cars and small motor vehicles had to be careful while driving through . People sat outside , eating their lunches while they took a break from work . Every now and again a resident would pass by on their bike and I got into the habit of saying " Nihao " to them as they passed . The shock on their faces was so priceless that I giggled to myself every time ! I could just picture what they were thinking in their heads … " White people don 't speak Chinese ! ! ! " Of course , they would have been right about that . I only had a few phrases in my repertoire . We wound our way through the hutong and eventually found the shop after Mike did some asking . Unfortunately it was closed down for renovation . So Mike took us to an area where there were more shops and restaurants . We stopped to take pictures at a bridge . It was a nice spot with lots of scenery . I parked my bike next to a couple of girls and said , " Nihao " to them . This time one of the girls spoke back with more than the courteous " Nihao " reply . She spouted out all kinds of Chinese and I became flustered ! I said in rushed English , " I 'm sorry ! I don 't actually speak Chinese ! " To which , with a disappointed look , she replied in near perfect English , " Are you an American ? " I immediately felt even more embarrassed . I replied in the affirmative and wished her a pleasant day before running off to take pictures . I suppose it serves me right . After that , I was less giving with my " Nihaos " . We finished off our hutong tour by doing a bit of shopping down a souvenir alley . I got some pretty cool stuff and Tyler found a Japanese couple to talk to . He knew how excited I was to go to Japan in a couple of days so he wanted me to come and talk to them but couldn 't find me because I was shopping . It was a little past midday and we were all starving ! Mike told us he would take us to a dumpling shop for lunch . My grandparents were wary . Like I said before , they aren 't ones for trying adventurous foods . We returned our bikes , hopped in Mike 's car and made it to the restaurant pretty quickly . Cigarette smoke permeated every inch of the restaurant . I wrinkled my nose at the smell . It 's not one I will ever get used to . Mike asked us what we wanted to drink and ordered Sprite and Coke for everyone . I told him I just wanted some water . He seemed surprised and asked if I was sure . I was sure . It was hot and I was thirsty . In a minute , I understood why he was surprised I would ask for water . They brought me a tea pot and cup . The pot was full of steaming hot water ! The Chinese drink their water hot . Needless to say , that 's not what I was expecting . I drank the Sprite instead . The dumplings were delicious ! What dumplings are to the Chinese , are what we call Pot Stickers in America . But real Pot Stickers are so delicious ! Even my grandparents liked them . We had a few different fillings and I wish I could remember what was in them , but I remember one of them had a faint black licorice taste . Those weren 't my favorite , but the others were amazingly delectable . I 'll start off at the airport . Things went smoothly for us this time around . We made it on time to the Hong Kong international airport and didn 't have any snafus . We just got on the plane and took off . That was so nice . The flight was fairly short since Beijing is in the same country as Hong Kong . Only 3 hours . Once again , I was in the perfect position to see out the window when we were making our descent . It was dark by the time we got to Beijing , but I looked out the window anyway . I had no idea what to expect . I was thinking Beijing would have the same towering buildings as Hong Kong but when I looked out the window I was surprised to see that it looked similar to a night landscape you would find in Utah . Shining lights greeted me as I peered down at the unfamiliar freeways and neighborhoods . There were no tall buildings here . This seemed a little more familiar to me . By the time we unloaded off the airplane , the airport was fairly desolate . The lights were all dim and it was quiet . My grandma told me that the lights are all dim in Beijing . I later found this to be true . The combination of the dimmed lights and lack of people in the airport gave it a kind of eerie feeling . I felt like I was walking through a dream . We walked through customs and none of the customs workers would smile at you or talk to you . They were quite serious people and to be honest , it was a little disconcerting . It reminded me that I was no longer in a free country . This would not be a place that I could speak freely about whatever I wanted . Our tour guide , Mike Zhang was waiting for us as we got out of customs . Mike was another person who had become legendary in my mind . He had previously been the tour guide for my grandparents when they toured Beijing after their mission to Hong Kong . I had heard so many great things about him that I was so excited to meet him ! He looked just like the pictures I had seen of him . We didn 't do anything that first night . It was late and we were tired . Mike drove us to our hotel and dropped us off , letting us know what time he would be to get us in the morning . Our hotel was amazing ! ! ! It was so elaborately decorated and grand ! The only thing I didn 't like about it was that there was the lingering smell of stale cigarette smoke . I would later find that smoking is allowed in public places in China - something far different than in America . We went to bed and the morning came quickly . We ate a delicious breakfast at the hotel and then grabbed our things and waited for Mike in the lobby . When he got there , he let us know he had a full day planned for us . Our first stop would be the Forbidden City . He parked a little ways away so we walked through the neighborhoods to get to the gate for the Forbidden City . Mike was so knowledgeable . He gave us a brief history of the Forbidden City and let us know that in the old days commoners would be killed if they entered the Forbidden City for that was where the Emperor lived and he was deity . He talked and caught up with my grandparents . Mike had stopped smoking since the last time they had seen each other and his two kids and wife were visiting family in another province . ( Mike has two kids because one came from a previous marriage , so it didn 't go against China 's One Child Policy ) . I was amazed at the beauty of Beijing ! Mike was quite the charming individual . He was easy to talk to , knew a lot about the places he took us to and made you feel like you had been friends forever . While we were walking to the gate of the Forbidden City my grandpa asked something about the protests in Tiananmen Square that occurred during the 80 's , but Mike hushed us up right away . He told us that he would have to talk to us about that another time because there were recording devices and video cameras around . Of course , we all knew that he wouldn 't be talking about that to us , ever . I was amazed how huge the Forbidden City was once we got inside ! There were so many people and so many buildings . You weren 't really allowed to go inside any of the buildings , but it was still really awesome to see these ancient buildings . It was so hot while we were there , but the humidity was much less than that of Hong Kong . As we walked through the City , we were taught how to tell the difference between the male lion statues and the female lion statues . For any of you who are wondering , the females have a baby lion under their paw while the male lions have a soccer ball . And according to Mike , they really are soccer balls . Just from a really early version of soccer . As we continued walking , Tyler and I were stopped by two Chinese college students who were also touring the City and asked us if the could take a picture with us . We were , of course , flattered and allowed them to take the picture with us . As soon as we had taken the picture , we were mobbed by a group of twenty more girls from the same school all wanting to take pictures with us . It felt like we were celebrities ! To me , this was such an odd experience , it makes me chuckle to think about it . We were being left behind so we had to cut our time as celebrities short . But from then on , I was much more keenly aware of the stares we got while we were traveling . I guess they just don 't see white people very often . We made it out of the city after a couple of hours and walked across the street to a park . There were elderly ladies dancing together and it was so cute ! Mike said it 's common for something like that to occur in parks . Mike led us over to a set of stairs where we took a short break and took a group picture . We then proceeded to climb the stairs which led to a pagoda like building where we were able to get an amazing view of Beijing ! It was hazy , but we could see so far ! While you 're inside the Forbidden City , you don 't really realize how expansive it is , but the I realized it after we made it to the top of that hill . Mike informed us that Beijing is designed on the principles of Feng Shui , so whenever you see a square shaped building , you are likely to see a round building close by . He used the Olympic park as an example . The Bird 's Nest is a round building and is located right next to the Water Cube . The park was a really nice place . When we climbed to the bottom , there were old men playing harmonicas in the park just for fun . We tried to give them money , but they didn 't want it . Mike said that when people do that in Beijing , they do it for their own pleasure . That sure is different from America . Next on the list of things to do was a tour of the Hutongs , which are traditional Chinese neighborhoods . We were in for a real treat . I 'll get to that next time . Our last day in Hong Kong . So much to do in only half a day . This was the day we would be leaving to go to Beijing . I was excited to get going to Beijing but also sad to be leaving Hong Kong . Our plans for the day consisted of taking a quick trip to the LDS Hong Kong temple and then meeting up for lunch with my grandparent 's friends . So after some complimentary breakfast from our hotel ( since they messed up our paperwork ) we left to catch the subway and a bus to the area of Hong Kong where the temple was located . It was a nice trip on the bus . We sat on the top level and I was able to get some good pictures of the city . Like this one : I loved the look of the city . Even though it was so smelly and dirty , I really loved it . I had never been around such tall buildings all crammed together . It gave me a feeling of claustrophobia which wasn 't something I was too fond of , but the city has a beauty of it 's own . Hong Kong seemed to be place of contrasts with it 's smelly streets and dirty buildings juxtaposed to the incredibly clean , stylish and fashionable Chinese who inhabit them . The bus dropped us off right across the street from the temple . It was quite beautiful and very different from the temples in the U . S . The grounds were small and beautifully landscaped and the fountain out front was stunning . We walked around the grounds and the janitor came and talked to my grandparents while we walked around . That 's something that I really love about being LDS . No matter where you are in the world , there is an instant camaraderie when you find another member of the church . So you 're never really alone . We stayed long enough to get a good look and then walked across the street to take a few pictures and to see if we could take a look inside the new mission home . I didn 't get a good picture of the angel Moroni … The mission home was interesting because it was reminded me of a stake center , but it had a distribution center inside of it . But having never been on a mission myself , I 've never really had experience with that kind of thing . When we were wandering around the mission home , we met the Hong Kong mission president who knew a missionary that Tyler was friends with . Which I guess makes sense since he was the mission president . I found a poster for Hong Kong EFY also . Fun Fact . After a short tour of the temple grounds and mission home , we had to head back to the Wan Chai area to meet up with my grandparent 's friends for lunch . I was excited to meet them . These were people who had become somewhat legendary in my mind as people whom my grandparents really respected and loved . They had worked together at the Church Administration Building while my grandma and grandpa were on their mission . I had heard so many stories that I couldn 't wait to meet them . I wish I had gotten pictures of them all , but I only have pictures of Ashley . We met up at the Church Administration Building and Tyler and I were briefly introduced to Vivian and a few other people . As a side note , Vivian was the nice lady who helped us figure out why we had been having so many problems with our flights and the hotel in Hong Kong . She even took the time to call ahead and make sure we were all set for Beijing and Japan . She was such a great help ! Anyway , we took a quick walk down the street to a tiny Italian restaurant and had lunch there . I sat next to Tyler and a man named Jason . Jason was such a crack up ! Just from the brief amount of time I sat and talked with him I could tell he was a jokester and I love jokesters . I also was able to talk with a lady who had a daughter who was trying to get into the same college I go to . It was really fun talking to her as well . I wish I could remember her name … but unfortunately I 've forgotten . Lunch was very pleasant . An interesting fact about Hong Kong is that they don 't have lemonade there . If you can find real lemonade , it 's a rare treat but what they have in Hong Kong is much better than lemonade in my opinion . At lunch they brought out ice water for everyone along with a few slices of lemon and a little pitcher full of liquid sugar . This was how they make lemonade . It 's not as sweet or powerful as the lemonade we have in America , but I liked it a lot better . They give you a little spoon like thing to stir your drink once you add the sugar in . The spoon is also used to crush the lemons up to get the lemon juice mixed in the water . I 've tried to recreate it now that I 'm home but it 's just not the same . We all had a really good time at lunch . When it was over we went back to the CAB and said our good - byes . It was very touching to watch my grandparents have to say good - bye to these people they had come to love . I hope they can see each other again . Sometimes the world is so small … but it 's times like this when it seems so large and a little bit lonely . I realized at that moment that it 's people who make the place and not the place that makes the people . I 'm so grateful that my grandparents shared Hong Kong with me . |
I felt sad the morning we left Beijing . I had truly enjoyed my time in China and was sad to be leaving . But at the same time , I knew that in a matter of hours , my life - long dream would be coming true ! How could I stay sad with that in mind ? We said our good - byes to Mike at the airport and promised to keep in touch . If you ever need a tour guide for Beijing , Mike Zhang from Beijing Private Tours is the best . Anyway , we went our separate ways and when we reached the ticket counter we were informed that we would be able to change our tickets to a direct flight to Japan . Instead of having to lay - over in Hong Kong , we would be able to be in Japan in just a few short hours ! This was the best news ever ! I could hardly contain my excitement ! The time came for us to board our plane and take the 4 hour journey to the island of Japan . As we were in the air I began to get really nervous . All kinds of thoughts were rushing through my mind . What if we got to Japan and I didn 't like it ? What if it 's not everything I hoped it would be ? What happens then ? Everything in my life had led up to this moment - all of my past and all of my plans for the future would be wasted if it turned out that it wasn 't what I had thought . Until those few hours sitting in the airplane , those thoughts had never crossed my mind and I felt as though my entire identity would be destroyed if that was the case . As we began our descent I looked out the window at the green grass and mountains and teared up . I wiped the tears from my eyes as a feeling of peace and excitement replaced my fears . I knew at that moment that this was so right . That this was the right direction for my life . I felt my self grinning from ear to ear . After a bit of a struggle to figure out transportation and our money situation at the Narita Airport , we were able to board a train that would take us to Shinagawa , the ward in Tokyo that we would be staying in . We started out in a tunnel , but when we finally made it outside , I couldn 't take my eyes off the scenery that was passing me by . Even when my neck started to hurt , I didn 't want to look away for fear of missing out on something . I tried to commit everything I was seeing to my permanent memory . The sound of the Japanese language ringing through my ears was wonderful ! My heart ached to be able to someday be fluent in Japanese . How could I have doubted that I wouldn 't have liked Japan ? ! I was already so in love with everything and I hadn 't even been off the train yet ! I don 't think I had ever been so happy and grateful in my life . By the time we reached Shinagawa station , it was dark outside . It took us a few minutes to find our way out of the station and when we did , we didn 't need to look far to find our hotel . We stayed in Shinagawa Prince Hotel , which is located directly across the street from the Shinagawa station . Shinagawa Prince Hotel is such a cool place to stay , by the way ! They have their own aquarium and three towers of hotels and restaurants . I loved staying there . We went to drop our things off in our rooms and I ran to the window to get a good look of the city of Tokyo . When I threw back the curtains I saw fireworks going off ! I tried to get a good picture but it ended up being a bit blurry . As a joke , I told my grandma that they must be doing fireworks because they knew I was coming and wanted to welcome me to Japan . Really , the fireworks were because we arrived on one of the days of the Bon Festival . We were all hungry and Tyler and I wanted to eat real Japanese food so we split up from my grandparents . They went to the McDonald 's near our hotel and Tyler and I went walking around Tokyo to find a good place to eat . We didn 't walk far before we found a ramen shop so we decided to stop there . We entered inside and ordered us the best ramen I have ever had ! I can 't remember the exact kind I ordered , but it was so delicious ! I have never really liked Top Ramen like we have in America , but I really can 't eat it at all now that I have had the real stuff . It was sweltering hot in the ramen shop but we were so hungry so it didn 't matter much . Here 's a fun fact for you - when you are eating ramen , it 's polite to slurp . Because slurping isn 't really polite in America , I had to get used to it at first , but once I got the hang of slurping , it was really fun ! We finished eating and decided to take a look around . We walked for probably close to an hour and a half . So many people were dressed up for Bon in their Yukata and they all looked so elegant ! I wanted to wear a Yukata too ! Tyler and I crossed to the other side of the station where there were more restaurants and shops . We eventually walked to a four way stop that gave us a magnificent view of the Tokyo Tower all lit up for the night . It was beautiful ! I was happy to spend time with Tyler like this in Japan because Japan had kind of connected us since we were little kids . We had a full day tour of Tokyo the next day so we decided to head back to the hotel and get some rest . On our way back I decided I wanted to take a picture with some girls in Yukata . After Tyler helped me work up my courage , I asked a group of girls in my best Japanese if they would let me take a picture with them . They were gracious and said yes . Unfortunately , the picture didn 't turn out … The car ride was a little long . We drove farther out into the Chinese country side toward Dragon Gorge . As we drove , Mike told us a story about a Chinese Emperor who was looking for the Fountain of Youth . He would send people out to look for it and if they couldn 't find it he would kill them . Since no one could find it , the Emperor killed many people . One day a man came to him and told him that he would be able to find the Fountain of Youth if the Emperor would send him with a large group of men and women and supplies to help them survive . Desperate , the Emperor agreed to give the man everything he had asked for . But the joke was on the Emperor . The man took the group of people and left China . Mike speculated that this group of people may have gone to Japan but no one knows for sure . Anyway , I thought it was interesting . Dragon Gorge starts out as a cute little town made up of a hotel and restaurants . There was a place for a stage where parties often occur . It was a cute little town . The mountains surrounding it had red Chinese characters but I didn 't ask what they meant . Going to Dragon Gorge was my grandpa 's idea and I 'm glad he thought to go there . It was well worth the trip . We walked a little ways more and entered into the mouth of a dragon that was attached to a cliff . Inside of the dragon were escalators that would take you to the top of the dam that was nearby . We walked through a cave and found our way to the small boats that would take us on a lovely river tour of Dragon Gorge . It was cooler here than anywhere else we had been so far . We had to climb over a few boats before we could make it to ours . I was a little nervous that I would fall in the water because there were gaps in between the boats . But that was kind of an unrealistic thought . Still though … it would have been bad if I had . We found seats and sat down . The trip down the river was relaxing . Tall cliffs surrounded us on both sides of the river and many of the cliffs had blaring red words looking down on us . It was gorgeous and relaxing and wonderful ! We passed by a place where you could stop off on your way back to the entrance and bungee jump . Tyler and I told Mike that he should try it . He wasn 't too thrilled with that idea though . We continued on for a few minutes more and were dropped of at a landing site that had a small Buddhist temple at the top and other paths you could hike along if you wanted . We went up to the temple . It was quite and peaceful . There was a small souvenir shop just before you climbed the stairs to the temple . I wondered how often people actually purchased anything from that shop . Tyler and I entered into the temple where there was a big bell . I stepped up and rang it . The sound was deep and lovely and it echoed off the mountains . We didn 't stay long , but I 'm glad I went in to take a look . As we headed back down the mountain to meet our boat , Mike asked us a surprising question . He looked at us and asked , " You do this , right ? " , as he crossed himself . I was so surprised that he asked us that ! Christian religion is not something really allowed in China . I felt nervous answering him because I didn 't want him to get in trouble , but we answered his question and explained that though we are Christians , we don 't cross ourselves . He asked about our family 's life style and the roll of women and things he couldn 't have asked anywhere else besides out in the middle of nowhere . Once again , I was hit with the realization that China is not a free country and I felt a little sad that these people are so curious and yet are kept from things they really want to discover . I felt lucky and so proud to be an American . The questions didn 't last long though as we made our way back to the boat . We made it back to the entrance of Dragon Gorge and after taking a few more pictures made our way out of the park . As we were leaving , a little girl came up to me and wanted to speak English . I could tell she was unsure of herself so I said something in Chinese to try and open her up a little bit . She said hello and went on her way . Mike said she was too shy to speak English with me . She was sure cute , though ! We left Dragon Gorge and headed back to Beijing . Tonight , Mike was going to treat us to our next culinary adventure - Hot pot ! Hot pot is basically seasoned water you boil at your table and dip meat and other vegetables into to cook them . I loved it ! It was so hot in that restaurant though , that people were taking their shirts off ! It was rather shocking ! And I could have done without the cigarette smoke that floated around the restaurant . But I loved hot pot . My favorite was the beef . It was so thinly sliced and tender and delicious ! We made a huge mess at dinner but I don 't think anyone in the restaurant got away clean either , so I don 't feel too bad . Next time I have hot pot it won 't be in the middle of the summer . It 's much too hot . We had one more item on our agenda that day , and that was a drive past the Olympic Village . We were tired so we didn 't get out to look around but I will never forget how beautiful the Bird 's Nest and Water Cube were ! Beijing is an amazing place . I 'm glad the 2008 Olympics were held there . I hope someday I can go back and visit again . This was our last night in Beijing . In the morning we were heading to Japan ! Finally I would be in the place I had only dreamed I would ever see ! I was so excited ! But at the same time , I had so completely enjoyed my time in Beijing that I was sad to go . After only two days with Mike , it felt as if we had been life long friends . Beijing was more than I had ever expected . I 'm so grateful I was able to spend time there . Mike dropped us off at our hotel and told us he would pick us up and take us to the airport in the morning . I went to bed that night dead tired and with bittersweet feelings . Like I said , I hope I can return to Beijing someday . Early . We woke up earlier than normal . The breakfast buffet the hotel prepares in the mornings wasn 't even ready . It may have been an early morning , but I was glad to have slept like a rock during the night . Mike picked us up at the lobby after breakfast and we left to go to the Great Wall . This is a must see if you go to China . It was surprisingly not far from where we were staying in Beijing . Mike took us to a section of the Wall called " Mutianyu " . We got there early enough that there weren 't too many tourists there . We parked and had to climb a very steep hill to get to a tram that took you the rest of the way up the mountain . The path to the tram was lined on either side with tiny shops . " Good deal for you ! Only one dollar ! " could be heard echoing through the street . We made it up the hill and jumped on the tram . We had the option of waiting to ride in the same car that Bill Clinton had taken when he was president , but we didn 't take it . When we got to the wall , there were a few stairs we had to climb to get to the main part of the wall . The stones were steep and worn . When we made it to the top of the wall , I looked over at the mountain to my left . It had Chinese written on it . I was curious what it said so I asked Mike . He said the characters meant " Loyal to Mao " . Another reminder that this was a communist country . It was easy to forget that sometimes . It felt free , like America , but little reminders would pop up every now and again . Like how Mike didn 't know what Facebook was or how he had never been able to use YouTube . The section of the wall we went to wasn 't very long . I 'm sure it wasn 't much more than a mile but it was actually pretty hard work making our way along the wall . It rose and fell with the peaks of the mountain so it was an up and down hill battle . The walk ways were crumbling a little so you had to be very careful where you stepped or else you would take a nasty tumble . It was incredible to see how long the wall went . Farther than I could see . Each post was a nice break because the air would blow through them and create a natural air conditioner . It was wonderful ! The whole time we were on the wall all I could think of was " Mulan " . Quotes kept rushing through my head like , " Now all of China knows you are here ! " and " How many people does it take to deliver a message ? - One " . And of course , the songs from " Mulan " were on repeat inside my head . I even caught myself humming them as I walked along . It didn 't take too long to reach the end of our Great Wall tour . At the end we were given the option of walking down the hill or taking a toboggan down the mountain . Needless to say , we took the toboggan . It was so freaking awesome ! ! ! We went down the metal half - pipe at lightning fast speed ! Or we would have but sometimes we got in a bit of a traffic jam . At the end of the toboggan ride there were a couple of guys dressed up in old fashioned Chinese clothes so we paid them and took a picture with them . They were really funny guys . I 'm glad I got a picture with them . I wanted to get some souvenirs and do some bargaining before we left the Great Wall . I ended up getting a couple of t - shirts that said " I < 3 北京 Now more then ever " . I had to buy them because of the grammatical error on the shirt - everyone needs a grammatically incorrect Asia t - shirt . Plus I wanted a Beijing t - shirt . She wanted the equivalent of $ 50 for two shirts but I talked her down to $ 40 . I felt really good about it too . But … I didn 't bargain very well . I could have gotten them a lot cheaper so Tyler made fun of me for the rest of the day . He still does on occasion . We left the Great Wall and stopped at a roadside restaurant . It was such a cool restaurant because you had to catch your own fish and then they would cook it for you . It was so fun ! Tyler caught the fish right away and they cooked it up for us . We had an eggplant dish and some other egg dish . I really liked everything we ate . The egg thing was interesting , but not my favorite . But everything else was really good . We ate outside under a shaded pavilion . The ambiance was wonderful ! The car felt good . Even though Tyler , Grandma and I were crammed in the tiny back seat of Mike 's VW , I still fell asleep . The air - conditioning was too much to resist after a good meal and a full morning . I was so glad to finally have a chance to rest for a little bit . I woke up the beeping of Mike 's car parallel parking down the street from the Summer Palace . We got out of the car and walked by a tunnel entrance . I 'm not sure where it lead to , but the smell of urine was quite powerful . The walk wasn 't far to the gate of the Summer Palace . I was struck by the beauty of the Summer Palace as soon as we passed through the entrance gate . Immediately in front of us was a beautiful lake surrounded by pagodas and trees . To our left there was a long bridge over the lake and to our right stood the enormous palace where Empress Cixi Dowager had once lived . Before we had entered the Palace gate , Mike had us read a short description of the place we would be visiting . We had been trying to pronounce Chinese the correct way since we had started this leg of our journey , so when my grandpa read the Summer Palace description he pronounced " Cixi " in a funny way that made Mike laugh . " Cixi " is pronounced as " sushi " according to Mike , but the way my grandpa had said it sounded more like " Sexy " . Mike laughed so much . That became a running joke for the rest of our trip . Anyway , there were boats floating out on the lake . Some were paddle boats , but the ones I was most impressed with were the dragon boats that carried tourists to the Palace on the other side of the lake . They were huge ! And oh so beautiful . We walked up and around the bridge which was really steep and for some reason , I remember it being a little slippery . But it was magnificent ! After that we decided to take a boat over to the palace . It was slow moving but another welcome rest . We docked right next to a boat made out of marble . How that thing floated , I don 't know . I guess water displacement is the answer . Just like for all other boats - it 's science ! The boat rocked a little as we all climbed out . Back on solid ground , we made our way along a path that led up to a museum about Empress Dowager . There was a photo of Chairman Mao inside the museum that I took a picture of . Later I realized I wasn 't supposed to do that … oops . I heard all through the museum Chinese tourists whispering , " Sushi , sushi ! " . I determined to look up Cixi 's history when I returned to America . If you ever get the chance , look up her history . It 's very interesting . Mike took us down the hill that led us away from the museum and over to an outdoor hallway called the Long Corridor . It really is a " Long Corridor " too . It goes on for a half mile ! In every section of the corridor there are paintings that tell a story . We stopped for a rest after walking a ways down the corridor and Tyler pointed out a painting and began making up a story about what was happening in the picture . We all laughed . Even though we were in a shady spot and the sun was starting to drop in the sky , it was so hot ! We kept walking and headed toward the palace . When we made it there , my jaw dropped . The stairs . There were so many stairs . I was tired and there were so . Many . Stairs . Not as many as at Big Buddha , granted , but still . I wasn 't as tired then . We had to pass through a few gates before we got to the main staircase for the palace . It sat all the way at the top of the hill . The staircases were made out of marble . I kept thinking , " What a stupid stone to make stairs out of . They are so slippery ! " . I really think people must have slipped and cracked their heads all the time . The stairs on their own would have made a great defense if the palace ever got attacked . The walk up to the palace was quite beautiful . It was slippery and I was tired but it was worth it . The view was amazing ! You could see everything and I was so happy to be there ! I think that 's how things go in life though . The things that take the most effort in life are the things that are most worth it in the end . The climb down was a little dangerous and I slipped a couple times but we made it down safely . It was time to go . We made it back to the entrance to the Summer Palace after walking along the rest of the Long Corridor and through a maze of water lilies . Outside the gates my grandpa bought us some soft serve ice cream . I don 't remember what the flavor was exactly . I think it was vanilla , but it tasted different than any vanilla I had ever tried . It was sweet and tangy and cold and delicious ! The sun was setting but Mike had a few more things on our agenda . He took us to a Chinese acrobat / Kung - Fu show . It was pretty awesome ! I didn 't take any pictures since it was in a theater but it was pretty cool . It was performed by teenagers who were still in school . I don 't know how anyone could ever move like that . The last event for our night was dinner . Mike took us to a Peking Duck restaurant . The hostess led us to a private room where Mike ordered Coke and Sprite for everyone . I left to go to the bathroom , a dreaded event for me since pretty much all the toilets I had encountered that day were squatters . When I came back , Tyler had hidden my backpack . This had become an on - going event because whenever I would leave I would say , " Don 't let anyone steal my stuff " . So he would hide my backpack and say someone had stolen it . I knew Tyler wouldn 't tell me where it was so I tried to get Mike to fess up , but he wouldn 't . He thought it was funny too . What they didn 't understand is that even though , I knew they had it , I got this horrible anxious feeling without it close by . After all , it had all my money , passport and souvenirs in it . We sat around the table and waited for our food to come . When it did , it smelled magnificent ! They brought us what seemed to be tortillas with the Peking Duck . The idea was that you would roll up the duck in the small tortilla and dip it in sauce . The meal was delicious ! I 'm not normally one for dark meat but I really enjoyed it . Mike told us the duck 's head was a delicacy so he ordered it for us . Tyler ate the bill of the duck and I ate the brain . I 'll try anything once , as long as it 's not bugs … The brain was good . It was pasty but tasted like meat . I would probably eat it again . Mike drove us back to the hotel and once again told us when he 's pick us up the next day . We thanked him and went up to bed . I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow . I need my rest for the next day because we were going to the Great Wall . Still on our first day in Beijing . We left the Forbidden City to take a tour of the Hutongs . Hutongs are traditional Chinese neighborhoods . There are little shops mixed into the neighborhoods but mostly they are made up of small shack - like houses . Mike said he grew up in a hutong but he no longer lives in one . Hutongs are pretty dirty looking compared to any neighborhoods I 've ever seen . The one we went to in particular was a bit of a tourist spot , it seemed like to me . My grandparents had done this same tour a few years previous when they came to Beijing for the first time and loved it so much that they wanted Tyler and I to experience it as well . But this time we had a specific errand to run while we were there . My grandparents brought us back necklaces made from pottery the last time they were there so my mother wanted us to get one for her . We were on a mission to find the shop that sold the jewelry . Mike took us to a bike rental shop and then off we went against the crazy Beijing traffic . They don 't follow the rules of the road in Beijing very well . Stop lights often don 't mean much . While we rode into the hutong we noticed a lot of rickshaws passing by . Apparently you can pay to have a rickshaw runner take you around the hutong , but I 'm glad we rode bikes instead . The streets were tiny . The cars and small motor vehicles had to be careful while driving through . People sat outside , eating their lunches while they took a break from work . Every now and again a resident would pass by on their bike and I got into the habit of saying " Nihao " to them as they passed . The shock on their faces was so priceless that I giggled to myself every time ! I could just picture what they were thinking in their heads … " White people don 't speak Chinese ! ! ! " Of course , they would have been right about that . I only had a few phrases in my repertoire . We wound our way through the hutong and eventually found the shop after Mike did some asking . Unfortunately it was closed down for renovation . So Mike took us to an area where there were more shops and restaurants . We stopped to take pictures at a bridge . It was a nice spot with lots of scenery . I parked my bike next to a couple of girls and said , " Nihao " to them . This time one of the girls spoke back with more than the courteous " Nihao " reply . She spouted out all kinds of Chinese and I became flustered ! I said in rushed English , " I 'm sorry ! I don 't actually speak Chinese ! " To which , with a disappointed look , she replied in near perfect English , " Are you an American ? " I immediately felt even more embarrassed . I replied in the affirmative and wished her a pleasant day before running off to take pictures . I suppose it serves me right . After that , I was less giving with my " Nihaos " . We finished off our hutong tour by doing a bit of shopping down a souvenir alley . I got some pretty cool stuff and Tyler found a Japanese couple to talk to . He knew how excited I was to go to Japan in a couple of days so he wanted me to come and talk to them but couldn 't find me because I was shopping . It was a little past midday and we were all starving ! Mike told us he would take us to a dumpling shop for lunch . My grandparents were wary . Like I said before , they aren 't ones for trying adventurous foods . We returned our bikes , hopped in Mike 's car and made it to the restaurant pretty quickly . Cigarette smoke permeated every inch of the restaurant . I wrinkled my nose at the smell . It 's not one I will ever get used to . Mike asked us what we wanted to drink and ordered Sprite and Coke for everyone . I told him I just wanted some water . He seemed surprised and asked if I was sure . I was sure . It was hot and I was thirsty . In a minute , I understood why he was surprised I would ask for water . They brought me a tea pot and cup . The pot was full of steaming hot water ! The Chinese drink their water hot . Needless to say , that 's not what I was expecting . I drank the Sprite instead . The dumplings were delicious ! What dumplings are to the Chinese , are what we call Pot Stickers in America . But real Pot Stickers are so delicious ! Even my grandparents liked them . We had a few different fillings and I wish I could remember what was in them , but I remember one of them had a faint black licorice taste . Those weren 't my favorite , but the others were amazingly delectable . I 'll start off at the airport . Things went smoothly for us this time around . We made it on time to the Hong Kong international airport and didn 't have any snafus . We just got on the plane and took off . That was so nice . The flight was fairly short since Beijing is in the same country as Hong Kong . Only 3 hours . Once again , I was in the perfect position to see out the window when we were making our descent . It was dark by the time we got to Beijing , but I looked out the window anyway . I had no idea what to expect . I was thinking Beijing would have the same towering buildings as Hong Kong but when I looked out the window I was surprised to see that it looked similar to a night landscape you would find in Utah . Shining lights greeted me as I peered down at the unfamiliar freeways and neighborhoods . There were no tall buildings here . This seemed a little more familiar to me . By the time we unloaded off the airplane , the airport was fairly desolate . The lights were all dim and it was quiet . My grandma told me that the lights are all dim in Beijing . I later found this to be true . The combination of the dimmed lights and lack of people in the airport gave it a kind of eerie feeling . I felt like I was walking through a dream . We walked through customs and none of the customs workers would smile at you or talk to you . They were quite serious people and to be honest , it was a little disconcerting . It reminded me that I was no longer in a free country . This would not be a place that I could speak freely about whatever I wanted . Our tour guide , Mike Zhang was waiting for us as we got out of customs . Mike was another person who had become legendary in my mind . He had previously been the tour guide for my grandparents when they toured Beijing after their mission to Hong Kong . I had heard so many great things about him that I was so excited to meet him ! He looked just like the pictures I had seen of him . We didn 't do anything that first night . It was late and we were tired . Mike drove us to our hotel and dropped us off , letting us know what time he would be to get us in the morning . Our hotel was amazing ! ! ! It was so elaborately decorated and grand ! The only thing I didn 't like about it was that there was the lingering smell of stale cigarette smoke . I would later find that smoking is allowed in public places in China - something far different than in America . We went to bed and the morning came quickly . We ate a delicious breakfast at the hotel and then grabbed our things and waited for Mike in the lobby . When he got there , he let us know he had a full day planned for us . Our first stop would be the Forbidden City . He parked a little ways away so we walked through the neighborhoods to get to the gate for the Forbidden City . Mike was so knowledgeable . He gave us a brief history of the Forbidden City and let us know that in the old days commoners would be killed if they entered the Forbidden City for that was where the Emperor lived and he was deity . He talked and caught up with my grandparents . Mike had stopped smoking since the last time they had seen each other and his two kids and wife were visiting family in another province . ( Mike has two kids because one came from a previous marriage , so it didn 't go against China 's One Child Policy ) . I was amazed at the beauty of Beijing ! Mike was quite the charming individual . He was easy to talk to , knew a lot about the places he took us to and made you feel like you had been friends forever . While we were walking to the gate of the Forbidden City my grandpa asked something about the protests in Tiananmen Square that occurred during the 80 's , but Mike hushed us up right away . He told us that he would have to talk to us about that another time because there were recording devices and video cameras around . Of course , we all knew that he wouldn 't be talking about that to us , ever . I was amazed how huge the Forbidden City was once we got inside ! There were so many people and so many buildings . You weren 't really allowed to go inside any of the buildings , but it was still really awesome to see these ancient buildings . It was so hot while we were there , but the humidity was much less than that of Hong Kong . As we walked through the City , we were taught how to tell the difference between the male lion statues and the female lion statues . For any of you who are wondering , the females have a baby lion under their paw while the male lions have a soccer ball . And according to Mike , they really are soccer balls . Just from a really early version of soccer . As we continued walking , Tyler and I were stopped by two Chinese college students who were also touring the City and asked us if the could take a picture with us . We were , of course , flattered and allowed them to take the picture with us . As soon as we had taken the picture , we were mobbed by a group of twenty more girls from the same school all wanting to take pictures with us . It felt like we were celebrities ! To me , this was such an odd experience , it makes me chuckle to think about it . We were being left behind so we had to cut our time as celebrities short . But from then on , I was much more keenly aware of the stares we got while we were traveling . I guess they just don 't see white people very often . We made it out of the city after a couple of hours and walked across the street to a park . There were elderly ladies dancing together and it was so cute ! Mike said it 's common for something like that to occur in parks . Mike led us over to a set of stairs where we took a short break and took a group picture . We then proceeded to climb the stairs which led to a pagoda like building where we were able to get an amazing view of Beijing ! It was hazy , but we could see so far ! While you 're inside the Forbidden City , you don 't really realize how expansive it is , but the I realized it after we made it to the top of that hill . Mike informed us that Beijing is designed on the principles of Feng Shui , so whenever you see a square shaped building , you are likely to see a round building close by . He used the Olympic park as an example . The Bird 's Nest is a round building and is located right next to the Water Cube . The park was a really nice place . When we climbed to the bottom , there were old men playing harmonicas in the park just for fun . We tried to give them money , but they didn 't want it . Mike said that when people do that in Beijing , they do it for their own pleasure . That sure is different from America . Next on the list of things to do was a tour of the Hutongs , which are traditional Chinese neighborhoods . We were in for a real treat . I 'll get to that next time . Our last day in Hong Kong . So much to do in only half a day . This was the day we would be leaving to go to Beijing . I was excited to get going to Beijing but also sad to be leaving Hong Kong . Our plans for the day consisted of taking a quick trip to the LDS Hong Kong temple and then meeting up for lunch with my grandparent 's friends . So after some complimentary breakfast from our hotel ( since they messed up our paperwork ) we left to catch the subway and a bus to the area of Hong Kong where the temple was located . It was a nice trip on the bus . We sat on the top level and I was able to get some good pictures of the city . Like this one : I loved the look of the city . Even though it was so smelly and dirty , I really loved it . I had never been around such tall buildings all crammed together . It gave me a feeling of claustrophobia which wasn 't something I was too fond of , but the city has a beauty of it 's own . Hong Kong seemed to be place of contrasts with it 's smelly streets and dirty buildings juxtaposed to the incredibly clean , stylish and fashionable Chinese who inhabit them . The bus dropped us off right across the street from the temple . It was quite beautiful and very different from the temples in the U . S . The grounds were small and beautifully landscaped and the fountain out front was stunning . We walked around the grounds and the janitor came and talked to my grandparents while we walked around . That 's something that I really love about being LDS . No matter where you are in the world , there is an instant camaraderie when you find another member of the church . So you 're never really alone . We stayed long enough to get a good look and then walked across the street to take a few pictures and to see if we could take a look inside the new mission home . I didn 't get a good picture of the angel Moroni … The mission home was interesting because it was reminded me of a stake center , but it had a distribution center inside of it . But having never been on a mission myself , I 've never really had experience with that kind of thing . When we were wandering around the mission home , we met the Hong Kong mission president who knew a missionary that Tyler was friends with . Which I guess makes sense since he was the mission president . I found a poster for Hong Kong EFY also . Fun Fact . After a short tour of the temple grounds and mission home , we had to head back to the Wan Chai area to meet up with my grandparent 's friends for lunch . I was excited to meet them . These were people who had become somewhat legendary in my mind as people whom my grandparents really respected and loved . They had worked together at the Church Administration Building while my grandma and grandpa were on their mission . I had heard so many stories that I couldn 't wait to meet them . I wish I had gotten pictures of them all , but I only have pictures of Ashley . We met up at the Church Administration Building and Tyler and I were briefly introduced to Vivian and a few other people . As a side note , Vivian was the nice lady who helped us figure out why we had been having so many problems with our flights and the hotel in Hong Kong . She even took the time to call ahead and make sure we were all set for Beijing and Japan . She was such a great help ! Anyway , we took a quick walk down the street to a tiny Italian restaurant and had lunch there . I sat next to Tyler and a man named Jason . Jason was such a crack up ! Just from the brief amount of time I sat and talked with him I could tell he was a jokester and I love jokesters . I also was able to talk with a lady who had a daughter who was trying to get into the same college I go to . It was really fun talking to her as well . I wish I could remember her name … but unfortunately I 've forgotten . Lunch was very pleasant . An interesting fact about Hong Kong is that they don 't have lemonade there . If you can find real lemonade , it 's a rare treat but what they have in Hong Kong is much better than lemonade in my opinion . At lunch they brought out ice water for everyone along with a few slices of lemon and a little pitcher full of liquid sugar . This was how they make lemonade . It 's not as sweet or powerful as the lemonade we have in America , but I liked it a lot better . They give you a little spoon like thing to stir your drink once you add the sugar in . The spoon is also used to crush the lemons up to get the lemon juice mixed in the water . I 've tried to recreate it now that I 'm home but it 's just not the same . We all had a really good time at lunch . When it was over we went back to the CAB and said our good - byes . It was very touching to watch my grandparents have to say good - bye to these people they had come to love . I hope they can see each other again . Sometimes the world is so small … but it 's times like this when it seems so large and a little bit lonely . I realized at that moment that it 's people who make the place and not the place that makes the people . I 'm so grateful that my grandparents shared Hong Kong with me . |
I felt sad the morning we left Beijing . I had truly enjoyed my time in China and was sad to be leaving . But at the same time , I knew that in a matter of hours , my life - long dream would be coming true ! How could I stay sad with that in mind ? We said our good - byes to Mike at the airport and promised to keep in touch . If you ever need a tour guide for Beijing , Mike Zhang from Beijing Private Tours is the best . Anyway , we went our separate ways and when we reached the ticket counter we were informed that we would be able to change our tickets to a direct flight to Japan . Instead of having to lay - over in Hong Kong , we would be able to be in Japan in just a few short hours ! This was the best news ever ! I could hardly contain my excitement ! The time came for us to board our plane and take the 4 hour journey to the island of Japan . As we were in the air I began to get really nervous . All kinds of thoughts were rushing through my mind . What if we got to Japan and I didn 't like it ? What if it 's not everything I hoped it would be ? What happens then ? Everything in my life had led up to this moment - all of my past and all of my plans for the future would be wasted if it turned out that it wasn 't what I had thought . Until those few hours sitting in the airplane , those thoughts had never crossed my mind and I felt as though my entire identity would be destroyed if that was the case . As we began our descent I looked out the window at the green grass and mountains and teared up . I wiped the tears from my eyes as a feeling of peace and excitement replaced my fears . I knew at that moment that this was so right . That this was the right direction for my life . I felt my self grinning from ear to ear . After a bit of a struggle to figure out transportation and our money situation at the Narita Airport , we were able to board a train that would take us to Shinagawa , the ward in Tokyo that we would be staying in . We started out in a tunnel , but when we finally made it outside , I couldn 't take my eyes off the scenery that was passing me by . Even when my neck started to hurt , I didn 't want to look away for fear of missing out on something . I tried to commit everything I was seeing to my permanent memory . The sound of the Japanese language ringing through my ears was wonderful ! My heart ached to be able to someday be fluent in Japanese . How could I have doubted that I wouldn 't have liked Japan ? ! I was already so in love with everything and I hadn 't even been off the train yet ! I don 't think I had ever been so happy and grateful in my life . By the time we reached Shinagawa station , it was dark outside . It took us a few minutes to find our way out of the station and when we did , we didn 't need to look far to find our hotel . We stayed in Shinagawa Prince Hotel , which is located directly across the street from the Shinagawa station . Shinagawa Prince Hotel is such a cool place to stay , by the way ! They have their own aquarium and three towers of hotels and restaurants . I loved staying there . We went to drop our things off in our rooms and I ran to the window to get a good look of the city of Tokyo . When I threw back the curtains I saw fireworks going off ! I tried to get a good picture but it ended up being a bit blurry . As a joke , I told my grandma that they must be doing fireworks because they knew I was coming and wanted to welcome me to Japan . Really , the fireworks were because we arrived on one of the days of the Bon Festival . We were all hungry and Tyler and I wanted to eat real Japanese food so we split up from my grandparents . They went to the McDonald 's near our hotel and Tyler and I went walking around Tokyo to find a good place to eat . We didn 't walk far before we found a ramen shop so we decided to stop there . We entered inside and ordered us the best ramen I have ever had ! I can 't remember the exact kind I ordered , but it was so delicious ! I have never really liked Top Ramen like we have in America , but I really can 't eat it at all now that I have had the real stuff . It was sweltering hot in the ramen shop but we were so hungry so it didn 't matter much . Here 's a fun fact for you - when you are eating ramen , it 's polite to slurp . Because slurping isn 't really polite in America , I had to get used to it at first , but once I got the hang of slurping , it was really fun ! We finished eating and decided to take a look around . We walked for probably close to an hour and a half . So many people were dressed up for Bon in their Yukata and they all looked so elegant ! I wanted to wear a Yukata too ! Tyler and I crossed to the other side of the station where there were more restaurants and shops . We eventually walked to a four way stop that gave us a magnificent view of the Tokyo Tower all lit up for the night . It was beautiful ! I was happy to spend time with Tyler like this in Japan because Japan had kind of connected us since we were little kids . We had a full day tour of Tokyo the next day so we decided to head back to the hotel and get some rest . On our way back I decided I wanted to take a picture with some girls in Yukata . After Tyler helped me work up my courage , I asked a group of girls in my best Japanese if they would let me take a picture with them . They were gracious and said yes . Unfortunately , the picture didn 't turn out … The car ride was a little long . We drove farther out into the Chinese country side toward Dragon Gorge . As we drove , Mike told us a story about a Chinese Emperor who was looking for the Fountain of Youth . He would send people out to look for it and if they couldn 't find it he would kill them . Since no one could find it , the Emperor killed many people . One day a man came to him and told him that he would be able to find the Fountain of Youth if the Emperor would send him with a large group of men and women and supplies to help them survive . Desperate , the Emperor agreed to give the man everything he had asked for . But the joke was on the Emperor . The man took the group of people and left China . Mike speculated that this group of people may have gone to Japan but no one knows for sure . Anyway , I thought it was interesting . Dragon Gorge starts out as a cute little town made up of a hotel and restaurants . There was a place for a stage where parties often occur . It was a cute little town . The mountains surrounding it had red Chinese characters but I didn 't ask what they meant . Going to Dragon Gorge was my grandpa 's idea and I 'm glad he thought to go there . It was well worth the trip . We walked a little ways more and entered into the mouth of a dragon that was attached to a cliff . Inside of the dragon were escalators that would take you to the top of the dam that was nearby . We walked through a cave and found our way to the small boats that would take us on a lovely river tour of Dragon Gorge . It was cooler here than anywhere else we had been so far . We had to climb over a few boats before we could make it to ours . I was a little nervous that I would fall in the water because there were gaps in between the boats . But that was kind of an unrealistic thought . Still though … it would have been bad if I had . We found seats and sat down . The trip down the river was relaxing . Tall cliffs surrounded us on both sides of the river and many of the cliffs had blaring red words looking down on us . It was gorgeous and relaxing and wonderful ! We passed by a place where you could stop off on your way back to the entrance and bungee jump . Tyler and I told Mike that he should try it . He wasn 't too thrilled with that idea though . We continued on for a few minutes more and were dropped of at a landing site that had a small Buddhist temple at the top and other paths you could hike along if you wanted . We went up to the temple . It was quite and peaceful . There was a small souvenir shop just before you climbed the stairs to the temple . I wondered how often people actually purchased anything from that shop . Tyler and I entered into the temple where there was a big bell . I stepped up and rang it . The sound was deep and lovely and it echoed off the mountains . We didn 't stay long , but I 'm glad I went in to take a look . As we headed back down the mountain to meet our boat , Mike asked us a surprising question . He looked at us and asked , " You do this , right ? " , as he crossed himself . I was so surprised that he asked us that ! Christian religion is not something really allowed in China . I felt nervous answering him because I didn 't want him to get in trouble , but we answered his question and explained that though we are Christians , we don 't cross ourselves . He asked about our family 's life style and the roll of women and things he couldn 't have asked anywhere else besides out in the middle of nowhere . Once again , I was hit with the realization that China is not a free country and I felt a little sad that these people are so curious and yet are kept from things they really want to discover . I felt lucky and so proud to be an American . The questions didn 't last long though as we made our way back to the boat . We made it back to the entrance of Dragon Gorge and after taking a few more pictures made our way out of the park . As we were leaving , a little girl came up to me and wanted to speak English . I could tell she was unsure of herself so I said something in Chinese to try and open her up a little bit . She said hello and went on her way . Mike said she was too shy to speak English with me . She was sure cute , though ! We left Dragon Gorge and headed back to Beijing . Tonight , Mike was going to treat us to our next culinary adventure - Hot pot ! Hot pot is basically seasoned water you boil at your table and dip meat and other vegetables into to cook them . I loved it ! It was so hot in that restaurant though , that people were taking their shirts off ! It was rather shocking ! And I could have done without the cigarette smoke that floated around the restaurant . But I loved hot pot . My favorite was the beef . It was so thinly sliced and tender and delicious ! We made a huge mess at dinner but I don 't think anyone in the restaurant got away clean either , so I don 't feel too bad . Next time I have hot pot it won 't be in the middle of the summer . It 's much too hot . We had one more item on our agenda that day , and that was a drive past the Olympic Village . We were tired so we didn 't get out to look around but I will never forget how beautiful the Bird 's Nest and Water Cube were ! Beijing is an amazing place . I 'm glad the 2008 Olympics were held there . I hope someday I can go back and visit again . This was our last night in Beijing . In the morning we were heading to Japan ! Finally I would be in the place I had only dreamed I would ever see ! I was so excited ! But at the same time , I had so completely enjoyed my time in Beijing that I was sad to go . After only two days with Mike , it felt as if we had been life long friends . Beijing was more than I had ever expected . I 'm so grateful I was able to spend time there . Mike dropped us off at our hotel and told us he would pick us up and take us to the airport in the morning . I went to bed that night dead tired and with bittersweet feelings . Like I said , I hope I can return to Beijing someday . Early . We woke up earlier than normal . The breakfast buffet the hotel prepares in the mornings wasn 't even ready . It may have been an early morning , but I was glad to have slept like a rock during the night . Mike picked us up at the lobby after breakfast and we left to go to the Great Wall . This is a must see if you go to China . It was surprisingly not far from where we were staying in Beijing . Mike took us to a section of the Wall called " Mutianyu " . We got there early enough that there weren 't too many tourists there . We parked and had to climb a very steep hill to get to a tram that took you the rest of the way up the mountain . The path to the tram was lined on either side with tiny shops . " Good deal for you ! Only one dollar ! " could be heard echoing through the street . We made it up the hill and jumped on the tram . We had the option of waiting to ride in the same car that Bill Clinton had taken when he was president , but we didn 't take it . When we got to the wall , there were a few stairs we had to climb to get to the main part of the wall . The stones were steep and worn . When we made it to the top of the wall , I looked over at the mountain to my left . It had Chinese written on it . I was curious what it said so I asked Mike . He said the characters meant " Loyal to Mao " . Another reminder that this was a communist country . It was easy to forget that sometimes . It felt free , like America , but little reminders would pop up every now and again . Like how Mike didn 't know what Facebook was or how he had never been able to use YouTube . The section of the wall we went to wasn 't very long . I 'm sure it wasn 't much more than a mile but it was actually pretty hard work making our way along the wall . It rose and fell with the peaks of the mountain so it was an up and down hill battle . The walk ways were crumbling a little so you had to be very careful where you stepped or else you would take a nasty tumble . It was incredible to see how long the wall went . Farther than I could see . Each post was a nice break because the air would blow through them and create a natural air conditioner . It was wonderful ! The whole time we were on the wall all I could think of was " Mulan " . Quotes kept rushing through my head like , " Now all of China knows you are here ! " and " How many people does it take to deliver a message ? - One " . And of course , the songs from " Mulan " were on repeat inside my head . I even caught myself humming them as I walked along . It didn 't take too long to reach the end of our Great Wall tour . At the end we were given the option of walking down the hill or taking a toboggan down the mountain . Needless to say , we took the toboggan . It was so freaking awesome ! ! ! We went down the metal half - pipe at lightning fast speed ! Or we would have but sometimes we got in a bit of a traffic jam . At the end of the toboggan ride there were a couple of guys dressed up in old fashioned Chinese clothes so we paid them and took a picture with them . They were really funny guys . I 'm glad I got a picture with them . I wanted to get some souvenirs and do some bargaining before we left the Great Wall . I ended up getting a couple of t - shirts that said " I < 3 北京 Now more then ever " . I had to buy them because of the grammatical error on the shirt - everyone needs a grammatically incorrect Asia t - shirt . Plus I wanted a Beijing t - shirt . She wanted the equivalent of $ 50 for two shirts but I talked her down to $ 40 . I felt really good about it too . But … I didn 't bargain very well . I could have gotten them a lot cheaper so Tyler made fun of me for the rest of the day . He still does on occasion . We left the Great Wall and stopped at a roadside restaurant . It was such a cool restaurant because you had to catch your own fish and then they would cook it for you . It was so fun ! Tyler caught the fish right away and they cooked it up for us . We had an eggplant dish and some other egg dish . I really liked everything we ate . The egg thing was interesting , but not my favorite . But everything else was really good . We ate outside under a shaded pavilion . The ambiance was wonderful ! The car felt good . Even though Tyler , Grandma and I were crammed in the tiny back seat of Mike 's VW , I still fell asleep . The air - conditioning was too much to resist after a good meal and a full morning . I was so glad to finally have a chance to rest for a little bit . I woke up the beeping of Mike 's car parallel parking down the street from the Summer Palace . We got out of the car and walked by a tunnel entrance . I 'm not sure where it lead to , but the smell of urine was quite powerful . The walk wasn 't far to the gate of the Summer Palace . I was struck by the beauty of the Summer Palace as soon as we passed through the entrance gate . Immediately in front of us was a beautiful lake surrounded by pagodas and trees . To our left there was a long bridge over the lake and to our right stood the enormous palace where Empress Cixi Dowager had once lived . Before we had entered the Palace gate , Mike had us read a short description of the place we would be visiting . We had been trying to pronounce Chinese the correct way since we had started this leg of our journey , so when my grandpa read the Summer Palace description he pronounced " Cixi " in a funny way that made Mike laugh . " Cixi " is pronounced as " sushi " according to Mike , but the way my grandpa had said it sounded more like " Sexy " . Mike laughed so much . That became a running joke for the rest of our trip . Anyway , there were boats floating out on the lake . Some were paddle boats , but the ones I was most impressed with were the dragon boats that carried tourists to the Palace on the other side of the lake . They were huge ! And oh so beautiful . We walked up and around the bridge which was really steep and for some reason , I remember it being a little slippery . But it was magnificent ! After that we decided to take a boat over to the palace . It was slow moving but another welcome rest . We docked right next to a boat made out of marble . How that thing floated , I don 't know . I guess water displacement is the answer . Just like for all other boats - it 's science ! The boat rocked a little as we all climbed out . Back on solid ground , we made our way along a path that led up to a museum about Empress Dowager . There was a photo of Chairman Mao inside the museum that I took a picture of . Later I realized I wasn 't supposed to do that … oops . I heard all through the museum Chinese tourists whispering , " Sushi , sushi ! " . I determined to look up Cixi 's history when I returned to America . If you ever get the chance , look up her history . It 's very interesting . Mike took us down the hill that led us away from the museum and over to an outdoor hallway called the Long Corridor . It really is a " Long Corridor " too . It goes on for a half mile ! In every section of the corridor there are paintings that tell a story . We stopped for a rest after walking a ways down the corridor and Tyler pointed out a painting and began making up a story about what was happening in the picture . We all laughed . Even though we were in a shady spot and the sun was starting to drop in the sky , it was so hot ! We kept walking and headed toward the palace . When we made it there , my jaw dropped . The stairs . There were so many stairs . I was tired and there were so . Many . Stairs . Not as many as at Big Buddha , granted , but still . I wasn 't as tired then . We had to pass through a few gates before we got to the main staircase for the palace . It sat all the way at the top of the hill . The staircases were made out of marble . I kept thinking , " What a stupid stone to make stairs out of . They are so slippery ! " . I really think people must have slipped and cracked their heads all the time . The stairs on their own would have made a great defense if the palace ever got attacked . The walk up to the palace was quite beautiful . It was slippery and I was tired but it was worth it . The view was amazing ! You could see everything and I was so happy to be there ! I think that 's how things go in life though . The things that take the most effort in life are the things that are most worth it in the end . The climb down was a little dangerous and I slipped a couple times but we made it down safely . It was time to go . We made it back to the entrance to the Summer Palace after walking along the rest of the Long Corridor and through a maze of water lilies . Outside the gates my grandpa bought us some soft serve ice cream . I don 't remember what the flavor was exactly . I think it was vanilla , but it tasted different than any vanilla I had ever tried . It was sweet and tangy and cold and delicious ! The sun was setting but Mike had a few more things on our agenda . He took us to a Chinese acrobat / Kung - Fu show . It was pretty awesome ! I didn 't take any pictures since it was in a theater but it was pretty cool . It was performed by teenagers who were still in school . I don 't know how anyone could ever move like that . The last event for our night was dinner . Mike took us to a Peking Duck restaurant . The hostess led us to a private room where Mike ordered Coke and Sprite for everyone . I left to go to the bathroom , a dreaded event for me since pretty much all the toilets I had encountered that day were squatters . When I came back , Tyler had hidden my backpack . This had become an on - going event because whenever I would leave I would say , " Don 't let anyone steal my stuff " . So he would hide my backpack and say someone had stolen it . I knew Tyler wouldn 't tell me where it was so I tried to get Mike to fess up , but he wouldn 't . He thought it was funny too . What they didn 't understand is that even though , I knew they had it , I got this horrible anxious feeling without it close by . After all , it had all my money , passport and souvenirs in it . We sat around the table and waited for our food to come . When it did , it smelled magnificent ! They brought us what seemed to be tortillas with the Peking Duck . The idea was that you would roll up the duck in the small tortilla and dip it in sauce . The meal was delicious ! I 'm not normally one for dark meat but I really enjoyed it . Mike told us the duck 's head was a delicacy so he ordered it for us . Tyler ate the bill of the duck and I ate the brain . I 'll try anything once , as long as it 's not bugs … The brain was good . It was pasty but tasted like meat . I would probably eat it again . Mike drove us back to the hotel and once again told us when he 's pick us up the next day . We thanked him and went up to bed . I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow . I need my rest for the next day because we were going to the Great Wall . Still on our first day in Beijing . We left the Forbidden City to take a tour of the Hutongs . Hutongs are traditional Chinese neighborhoods . There are little shops mixed into the neighborhoods but mostly they are made up of small shack - like houses . Mike said he grew up in a hutong but he no longer lives in one . Hutongs are pretty dirty looking compared to any neighborhoods I 've ever seen . The one we went to in particular was a bit of a tourist spot , it seemed like to me . My grandparents had done this same tour a few years previous when they came to Beijing for the first time and loved it so much that they wanted Tyler and I to experience it as well . But this time we had a specific errand to run while we were there . My grandparents brought us back necklaces made from pottery the last time they were there so my mother wanted us to get one for her . We were on a mission to find the shop that sold the jewelry . Mike took us to a bike rental shop and then off we went against the crazy Beijing traffic . They don 't follow the rules of the road in Beijing very well . Stop lights often don 't mean much . While we rode into the hutong we noticed a lot of rickshaws passing by . Apparently you can pay to have a rickshaw runner take you around the hutong , but I 'm glad we rode bikes instead . The streets were tiny . The cars and small motor vehicles had to be careful while driving through . People sat outside , eating their lunches while they took a break from work . Every now and again a resident would pass by on their bike and I got into the habit of saying " Nihao " to them as they passed . The shock on their faces was so priceless that I giggled to myself every time ! I could just picture what they were thinking in their heads … " White people don 't speak Chinese ! ! ! " Of course , they would have been right about that . I only had a few phrases in my repertoire . We wound our way through the hutong and eventually found the shop after Mike did some asking . Unfortunately it was closed down for renovation . So Mike took us to an area where there were more shops and restaurants . We stopped to take pictures at a bridge . It was a nice spot with lots of scenery . I parked my bike next to a couple of girls and said , " Nihao " to them . This time one of the girls spoke back with more than the courteous " Nihao " reply . She spouted out all kinds of Chinese and I became flustered ! I said in rushed English , " I 'm sorry ! I don 't actually speak Chinese ! " To which , with a disappointed look , she replied in near perfect English , " Are you an American ? " I immediately felt even more embarrassed . I replied in the affirmative and wished her a pleasant day before running off to take pictures . I suppose it serves me right . After that , I was less giving with my " Nihaos " . We finished off our hutong tour by doing a bit of shopping down a souvenir alley . I got some pretty cool stuff and Tyler found a Japanese couple to talk to . He knew how excited I was to go to Japan in a couple of days so he wanted me to come and talk to them but couldn 't find me because I was shopping . It was a little past midday and we were all starving ! Mike told us he would take us to a dumpling shop for lunch . My grandparents were wary . Like I said before , they aren 't ones for trying adventurous foods . We returned our bikes , hopped in Mike 's car and made it to the restaurant pretty quickly . Cigarette smoke permeated every inch of the restaurant . I wrinkled my nose at the smell . It 's not one I will ever get used to . Mike asked us what we wanted to drink and ordered Sprite and Coke for everyone . I told him I just wanted some water . He seemed surprised and asked if I was sure . I was sure . It was hot and I was thirsty . In a minute , I understood why he was surprised I would ask for water . They brought me a tea pot and cup . The pot was full of steaming hot water ! The Chinese drink their water hot . Needless to say , that 's not what I was expecting . I drank the Sprite instead . The dumplings were delicious ! What dumplings are to the Chinese , are what we call Pot Stickers in America . But real Pot Stickers are so delicious ! Even my grandparents liked them . We had a few different fillings and I wish I could remember what was in them , but I remember one of them had a faint black licorice taste . Those weren 't my favorite , but the others were amazingly delectable . I 'll start off at the airport . Things went smoothly for us this time around . We made it on time to the Hong Kong international airport and didn 't have any snafus . We just got on the plane and took off . That was so nice . The flight was fairly short since Beijing is in the same country as Hong Kong . Only 3 hours . Once again , I was in the perfect position to see out the window when we were making our descent . It was dark by the time we got to Beijing , but I looked out the window anyway . I had no idea what to expect . I was thinking Beijing would have the same towering buildings as Hong Kong but when I looked out the window I was surprised to see that it looked similar to a night landscape you would find in Utah . Shining lights greeted me as I peered down at the unfamiliar freeways and neighborhoods . There were no tall buildings here . This seemed a little more familiar to me . By the time we unloaded off the airplane , the airport was fairly desolate . The lights were all dim and it was quiet . My grandma told me that the lights are all dim in Beijing . I later found this to be true . The combination of the dimmed lights and lack of people in the airport gave it a kind of eerie feeling . I felt like I was walking through a dream . We walked through customs and none of the customs workers would smile at you or talk to you . They were quite serious people and to be honest , it was a little disconcerting . It reminded me that I was no longer in a free country . This would not be a place that I could speak freely about whatever I wanted . Our tour guide , Mike Zhang was waiting for us as we got out of customs . Mike was another person who had become legendary in my mind . He had previously been the tour guide for my grandparents when they toured Beijing after their mission to Hong Kong . I had heard so many great things about him that I was so excited to meet him ! He looked just like the pictures I had seen of him . We didn 't do anything that first night . It was late and we were tired . Mike drove us to our hotel and dropped us off , letting us know what time he would be to get us in the morning . Our hotel was amazing ! ! ! It was so elaborately decorated and grand ! The only thing I didn 't like about it was that there was the lingering smell of stale cigarette smoke . I would later find that smoking is allowed in public places in China - something far different than in America . We went to bed and the morning came quickly . We ate a delicious breakfast at the hotel and then grabbed our things and waited for Mike in the lobby . When he got there , he let us know he had a full day planned for us . Our first stop would be the Forbidden City . He parked a little ways away so we walked through the neighborhoods to get to the gate for the Forbidden City . Mike was so knowledgeable . He gave us a brief history of the Forbidden City and let us know that in the old days commoners would be killed if they entered the Forbidden City for that was where the Emperor lived and he was deity . He talked and caught up with my grandparents . Mike had stopped smoking since the last time they had seen each other and his two kids and wife were visiting family in another province . ( Mike has two kids because one came from a previous marriage , so it didn 't go against China 's One Child Policy ) . I was amazed at the beauty of Beijing ! Mike was quite the charming individual . He was easy to talk to , knew a lot about the places he took us to and made you feel like you had been friends forever . While we were walking to the gate of the Forbidden City my grandpa asked something about the protests in Tiananmen Square that occurred during the 80 's , but Mike hushed us up right away . He told us that he would have to talk to us about that another time because there were recording devices and video cameras around . Of course , we all knew that he wouldn 't be talking about that to us , ever . I was amazed how huge the Forbidden City was once we got inside ! There were so many people and so many buildings . You weren 't really allowed to go inside any of the buildings , but it was still really awesome to see these ancient buildings . It was so hot while we were there , but the humidity was much less than that of Hong Kong . As we walked through the City , we were taught how to tell the difference between the male lion statues and the female lion statues . For any of you who are wondering , the females have a baby lion under their paw while the male lions have a soccer ball . And according to Mike , they really are soccer balls . Just from a really early version of soccer . As we continued walking , Tyler and I were stopped by two Chinese college students who were also touring the City and asked us if the could take a picture with us . We were , of course , flattered and allowed them to take the picture with us . As soon as we had taken the picture , we were mobbed by a group of twenty more girls from the same school all wanting to take pictures with us . It felt like we were celebrities ! To me , this was such an odd experience , it makes me chuckle to think about it . We were being left behind so we had to cut our time as celebrities short . But from then on , I was much more keenly aware of the stares we got while we were traveling . I guess they just don 't see white people very often . We made it out of the city after a couple of hours and walked across the street to a park . There were elderly ladies dancing together and it was so cute ! Mike said it 's common for something like that to occur in parks . Mike led us over to a set of stairs where we took a short break and took a group picture . We then proceeded to climb the stairs which led to a pagoda like building where we were able to get an amazing view of Beijing ! It was hazy , but we could see so far ! While you 're inside the Forbidden City , you don 't really realize how expansive it is , but the I realized it after we made it to the top of that hill . Mike informed us that Beijing is designed on the principles of Feng Shui , so whenever you see a square shaped building , you are likely to see a round building close by . He used the Olympic park as an example . The Bird 's Nest is a round building and is located right next to the Water Cube . The park was a really nice place . When we climbed to the bottom , there were old men playing harmonicas in the park just for fun . We tried to give them money , but they didn 't want it . Mike said that when people do that in Beijing , they do it for their own pleasure . That sure is different from America . Next on the list of things to do was a tour of the Hutongs , which are traditional Chinese neighborhoods . We were in for a real treat . I 'll get to that next time . Our last day in Hong Kong . So much to do in only half a day . This was the day we would be leaving to go to Beijing . I was excited to get going to Beijing but also sad to be leaving Hong Kong . Our plans for the day consisted of taking a quick trip to the LDS Hong Kong temple and then meeting up for lunch with my grandparent 's friends . So after some complimentary breakfast from our hotel ( since they messed up our paperwork ) we left to catch the subway and a bus to the area of Hong Kong where the temple was located . It was a nice trip on the bus . We sat on the top level and I was able to get some good pictures of the city . Like this one : I loved the look of the city . Even though it was so smelly and dirty , I really loved it . I had never been around such tall buildings all crammed together . It gave me a feeling of claustrophobia which wasn 't something I was too fond of , but the city has a beauty of it 's own . Hong Kong seemed to be place of contrasts with it 's smelly streets and dirty buildings juxtaposed to the incredibly clean , stylish and fashionable Chinese who inhabit them . The bus dropped us off right across the street from the temple . It was quite beautiful and very different from the temples in the U . S . The grounds were small and beautifully landscaped and the fountain out front was stunning . We walked around the grounds and the janitor came and talked to my grandparents while we walked around . That 's something that I really love about being LDS . No matter where you are in the world , there is an instant camaraderie when you find another member of the church . So you 're never really alone . We stayed long enough to get a good look and then walked across the street to take a few pictures and to see if we could take a look inside the new mission home . I didn 't get a good picture of the angel Moroni … The mission home was interesting because it was reminded me of a stake center , but it had a distribution center inside of it . But having never been on a mission myself , I 've never really had experience with that kind of thing . When we were wandering around the mission home , we met the Hong Kong mission president who knew a missionary that Tyler was friends with . Which I guess makes sense since he was the mission president . I found a poster for Hong Kong EFY also . Fun Fact . After a short tour of the temple grounds and mission home , we had to head back to the Wan Chai area to meet up with my grandparent 's friends for lunch . I was excited to meet them . These were people who had become somewhat legendary in my mind as people whom my grandparents really respected and loved . They had worked together at the Church Administration Building while my grandma and grandpa were on their mission . I had heard so many stories that I couldn 't wait to meet them . I wish I had gotten pictures of them all , but I only have pictures of Ashley . We met up at the Church Administration Building and Tyler and I were briefly introduced to Vivian and a few other people . As a side note , Vivian was the nice lady who helped us figure out why we had been having so many problems with our flights and the hotel in Hong Kong . She even took the time to call ahead and make sure we were all set for Beijing and Japan . She was such a great help ! Anyway , we took a quick walk down the street to a tiny Italian restaurant and had lunch there . I sat next to Tyler and a man named Jason . Jason was such a crack up ! Just from the brief amount of time I sat and talked with him I could tell he was a jokester and I love jokesters . I also was able to talk with a lady who had a daughter who was trying to get into the same college I go to . It was really fun talking to her as well . I wish I could remember her name … but unfortunately I 've forgotten . Lunch was very pleasant . An interesting fact about Hong Kong is that they don 't have lemonade there . If you can find real lemonade , it 's a rare treat but what they have in Hong Kong is much better than lemonade in my opinion . At lunch they brought out ice water for everyone along with a few slices of lemon and a little pitcher full of liquid sugar . This was how they make lemonade . It 's not as sweet or powerful as the lemonade we have in America , but I liked it a lot better . They give you a little spoon like thing to stir your drink once you add the sugar in . The spoon is also used to crush the lemons up to get the lemon juice mixed in the water . I 've tried to recreate it now that I 'm home but it 's just not the same . We all had a really good time at lunch . When it was over we went back to the CAB and said our good - byes . It was very touching to watch my grandparents have to say good - bye to these people they had come to love . I hope they can see each other again . Sometimes the world is so small … but it 's times like this when it seems so large and a little bit lonely . I realized at that moment that it 's people who make the place and not the place that makes the people . I 'm so grateful that my grandparents shared Hong Kong with me . |
I felt sad the morning we left Beijing . I had truly enjoyed my time in China and was sad to be leaving . But at the same time , I knew that in a matter of hours , my life - long dream would be coming true ! How could I stay sad with that in mind ? We said our good - byes to Mike at the airport and promised to keep in touch . If you ever need a tour guide for Beijing , Mike Zhang from Beijing Private Tours is the best . Anyway , we went our separate ways and when we reached the ticket counter we were informed that we would be able to change our tickets to a direct flight to Japan . Instead of having to lay - over in Hong Kong , we would be able to be in Japan in just a few short hours ! This was the best news ever ! I could hardly contain my excitement ! The time came for us to board our plane and take the 4 hour journey to the island of Japan . As we were in the air I began to get really nervous . All kinds of thoughts were rushing through my mind . What if we got to Japan and I didn 't like it ? What if it 's not everything I hoped it would be ? What happens then ? Everything in my life had led up to this moment - all of my past and all of my plans for the future would be wasted if it turned out that it wasn 't what I had thought . Until those few hours sitting in the airplane , those thoughts had never crossed my mind and I felt as though my entire identity would be destroyed if that was the case . As we began our descent I looked out the window at the green grass and mountains and teared up . I wiped the tears from my eyes as a feeling of peace and excitement replaced my fears . I knew at that moment that this was so right . That this was the right direction for my life . I felt my self grinning from ear to ear . After a bit of a struggle to figure out transportation and our money situation at the Narita Airport , we were able to board a train that would take us to Shinagawa , the ward in Tokyo that we would be staying in . We started out in a tunnel , but when we finally made it outside , I couldn 't take my eyes off the scenery that was passing me by . Even when my neck started to hurt , I didn 't want to look away for fear of missing out on something . I tried to commit everything I was seeing to my permanent memory . The sound of the Japanese language ringing through my ears was wonderful ! My heart ached to be able to someday be fluent in Japanese . How could I have doubted that I wouldn 't have liked Japan ? ! I was already so in love with everything and I hadn 't even been off the train yet ! I don 't think I had ever been so happy and grateful in my life . By the time we reached Shinagawa station , it was dark outside . It took us a few minutes to find our way out of the station and when we did , we didn 't need to look far to find our hotel . We stayed in Shinagawa Prince Hotel , which is located directly across the street from the Shinagawa station . Shinagawa Prince Hotel is such a cool place to stay , by the way ! They have their own aquarium and three towers of hotels and restaurants . I loved staying there . We went to drop our things off in our rooms and I ran to the window to get a good look of the city of Tokyo . When I threw back the curtains I saw fireworks going off ! I tried to get a good picture but it ended up being a bit blurry . As a joke , I told my grandma that they must be doing fireworks because they knew I was coming and wanted to welcome me to Japan . Really , the fireworks were because we arrived on one of the days of the Bon Festival . We were all hungry and Tyler and I wanted to eat real Japanese food so we split up from my grandparents . They went to the McDonald 's near our hotel and Tyler and I went walking around Tokyo to find a good place to eat . We didn 't walk far before we found a ramen shop so we decided to stop there . We entered inside and ordered us the best ramen I have ever had ! I can 't remember the exact kind I ordered , but it was so delicious ! I have never really liked Top Ramen like we have in America , but I really can 't eat it at all now that I have had the real stuff . It was sweltering hot in the ramen shop but we were so hungry so it didn 't matter much . Here 's a fun fact for you - when you are eating ramen , it 's polite to slurp . Because slurping isn 't really polite in America , I had to get used to it at first , but once I got the hang of slurping , it was really fun ! We finished eating and decided to take a look around . We walked for probably close to an hour and a half . So many people were dressed up for Bon in their Yukata and they all looked so elegant ! I wanted to wear a Yukata too ! Tyler and I crossed to the other side of the station where there were more restaurants and shops . We eventually walked to a four way stop that gave us a magnificent view of the Tokyo Tower all lit up for the night . It was beautiful ! I was happy to spend time with Tyler like this in Japan because Japan had kind of connected us since we were little kids . We had a full day tour of Tokyo the next day so we decided to head back to the hotel and get some rest . On our way back I decided I wanted to take a picture with some girls in Yukata . After Tyler helped me work up my courage , I asked a group of girls in my best Japanese if they would let me take a picture with them . They were gracious and said yes . Unfortunately , the picture didn 't turn out … The car ride was a little long . We drove farther out into the Chinese country side toward Dragon Gorge . As we drove , Mike told us a story about a Chinese Emperor who was looking for the Fountain of Youth . He would send people out to look for it and if they couldn 't find it he would kill them . Since no one could find it , the Emperor killed many people . One day a man came to him and told him that he would be able to find the Fountain of Youth if the Emperor would send him with a large group of men and women and supplies to help them survive . Desperate , the Emperor agreed to give the man everything he had asked for . But the joke was on the Emperor . The man took the group of people and left China . Mike speculated that this group of people may have gone to Japan but no one knows for sure . Anyway , I thought it was interesting . Dragon Gorge starts out as a cute little town made up of a hotel and restaurants . There was a place for a stage where parties often occur . It was a cute little town . The mountains surrounding it had red Chinese characters but I didn 't ask what they meant . Going to Dragon Gorge was my grandpa 's idea and I 'm glad he thought to go there . It was well worth the trip . We walked a little ways more and entered into the mouth of a dragon that was attached to a cliff . Inside of the dragon were escalators that would take you to the top of the dam that was nearby . We walked through a cave and found our way to the small boats that would take us on a lovely river tour of Dragon Gorge . It was cooler here than anywhere else we had been so far . We had to climb over a few boats before we could make it to ours . I was a little nervous that I would fall in the water because there were gaps in between the boats . But that was kind of an unrealistic thought . Still though … it would have been bad if I had . We found seats and sat down . The trip down the river was relaxing . Tall cliffs surrounded us on both sides of the river and many of the cliffs had blaring red words looking down on us . It was gorgeous and relaxing and wonderful ! We passed by a place where you could stop off on your way back to the entrance and bungee jump . Tyler and I told Mike that he should try it . He wasn 't too thrilled with that idea though . We continued on for a few minutes more and were dropped of at a landing site that had a small Buddhist temple at the top and other paths you could hike along if you wanted . We went up to the temple . It was quite and peaceful . There was a small souvenir shop just before you climbed the stairs to the temple . I wondered how often people actually purchased anything from that shop . Tyler and I entered into the temple where there was a big bell . I stepped up and rang it . The sound was deep and lovely and it echoed off the mountains . We didn 't stay long , but I 'm glad I went in to take a look . As we headed back down the mountain to meet our boat , Mike asked us a surprising question . He looked at us and asked , " You do this , right ? " , as he crossed himself . I was so surprised that he asked us that ! Christian religion is not something really allowed in China . I felt nervous answering him because I didn 't want him to get in trouble , but we answered his question and explained that though we are Christians , we don 't cross ourselves . He asked about our family 's life style and the roll of women and things he couldn 't have asked anywhere else besides out in the middle of nowhere . Once again , I was hit with the realization that China is not a free country and I felt a little sad that these people are so curious and yet are kept from things they really want to discover . I felt lucky and so proud to be an American . The questions didn 't last long though as we made our way back to the boat . We made it back to the entrance of Dragon Gorge and after taking a few more pictures made our way out of the park . As we were leaving , a little girl came up to me and wanted to speak English . I could tell she was unsure of herself so I said something in Chinese to try and open her up a little bit . She said hello and went on her way . Mike said she was too shy to speak English with me . She was sure cute , though ! We left Dragon Gorge and headed back to Beijing . Tonight , Mike was going to treat us to our next culinary adventure - Hot pot ! Hot pot is basically seasoned water you boil at your table and dip meat and other vegetables into to cook them . I loved it ! It was so hot in that restaurant though , that people were taking their shirts off ! It was rather shocking ! And I could have done without the cigarette smoke that floated around the restaurant . But I loved hot pot . My favorite was the beef . It was so thinly sliced and tender and delicious ! We made a huge mess at dinner but I don 't think anyone in the restaurant got away clean either , so I don 't feel too bad . Next time I have hot pot it won 't be in the middle of the summer . It 's much too hot . We had one more item on our agenda that day , and that was a drive past the Olympic Village . We were tired so we didn 't get out to look around but I will never forget how beautiful the Bird 's Nest and Water Cube were ! Beijing is an amazing place . I 'm glad the 2008 Olympics were held there . I hope someday I can go back and visit again . This was our last night in Beijing . In the morning we were heading to Japan ! Finally I would be in the place I had only dreamed I would ever see ! I was so excited ! But at the same time , I had so completely enjoyed my time in Beijing that I was sad to go . After only two days with Mike , it felt as if we had been life long friends . Beijing was more than I had ever expected . I 'm so grateful I was able to spend time there . Mike dropped us off at our hotel and told us he would pick us up and take us to the airport in the morning . I went to bed that night dead tired and with bittersweet feelings . Like I said , I hope I can return to Beijing someday . Early . We woke up earlier than normal . The breakfast buffet the hotel prepares in the mornings wasn 't even ready . It may have been an early morning , but I was glad to have slept like a rock during the night . Mike picked us up at the lobby after breakfast and we left to go to the Great Wall . This is a must see if you go to China . It was surprisingly not far from where we were staying in Beijing . Mike took us to a section of the Wall called " Mutianyu " . We got there early enough that there weren 't too many tourists there . We parked and had to climb a very steep hill to get to a tram that took you the rest of the way up the mountain . The path to the tram was lined on either side with tiny shops . " Good deal for you ! Only one dollar ! " could be heard echoing through the street . We made it up the hill and jumped on the tram . We had the option of waiting to ride in the same car that Bill Clinton had taken when he was president , but we didn 't take it . When we got to the wall , there were a few stairs we had to climb to get to the main part of the wall . The stones were steep and worn . When we made it to the top of the wall , I looked over at the mountain to my left . It had Chinese written on it . I was curious what it said so I asked Mike . He said the characters meant " Loyal to Mao " . Another reminder that this was a communist country . It was easy to forget that sometimes . It felt free , like America , but little reminders would pop up every now and again . Like how Mike didn 't know what Facebook was or how he had never been able to use YouTube . The section of the wall we went to wasn 't very long . I 'm sure it wasn 't much more than a mile but it was actually pretty hard work making our way along the wall . It rose and fell with the peaks of the mountain so it was an up and down hill battle . The walk ways were crumbling a little so you had to be very careful where you stepped or else you would take a nasty tumble . It was incredible to see how long the wall went . Farther than I could see . Each post was a nice break because the air would blow through them and create a natural air conditioner . It was wonderful ! The whole time we were on the wall all I could think of was " Mulan " . Quotes kept rushing through my head like , " Now all of China knows you are here ! " and " How many people does it take to deliver a message ? - One " . And of course , the songs from " Mulan " were on repeat inside my head . I even caught myself humming them as I walked along . It didn 't take too long to reach the end of our Great Wall tour . At the end we were given the option of walking down the hill or taking a toboggan down the mountain . Needless to say , we took the toboggan . It was so freaking awesome ! ! ! We went down the metal half - pipe at lightning fast speed ! Or we would have but sometimes we got in a bit of a traffic jam . At the end of the toboggan ride there were a couple of guys dressed up in old fashioned Chinese clothes so we paid them and took a picture with them . They were really funny guys . I 'm glad I got a picture with them . I wanted to get some souvenirs and do some bargaining before we left the Great Wall . I ended up getting a couple of t - shirts that said " I < 3 北京 Now more then ever " . I had to buy them because of the grammatical error on the shirt - everyone needs a grammatically incorrect Asia t - shirt . Plus I wanted a Beijing t - shirt . She wanted the equivalent of $ 50 for two shirts but I talked her down to $ 40 . I felt really good about it too . But … I didn 't bargain very well . I could have gotten them a lot cheaper so Tyler made fun of me for the rest of the day . He still does on occasion . We left the Great Wall and stopped at a roadside restaurant . It was such a cool restaurant because you had to catch your own fish and then they would cook it for you . It was so fun ! Tyler caught the fish right away and they cooked it up for us . We had an eggplant dish and some other egg dish . I really liked everything we ate . The egg thing was interesting , but not my favorite . But everything else was really good . We ate outside under a shaded pavilion . The ambiance was wonderful ! The car felt good . Even though Tyler , Grandma and I were crammed in the tiny back seat of Mike 's VW , I still fell asleep . The air - conditioning was too much to resist after a good meal and a full morning . I was so glad to finally have a chance to rest for a little bit . I woke up the beeping of Mike 's car parallel parking down the street from the Summer Palace . We got out of the car and walked by a tunnel entrance . I 'm not sure where it lead to , but the smell of urine was quite powerful . The walk wasn 't far to the gate of the Summer Palace . I was struck by the beauty of the Summer Palace as soon as we passed through the entrance gate . Immediately in front of us was a beautiful lake surrounded by pagodas and trees . To our left there was a long bridge over the lake and to our right stood the enormous palace where Empress Cixi Dowager had once lived . Before we had entered the Palace gate , Mike had us read a short description of the place we would be visiting . We had been trying to pronounce Chinese the correct way since we had started this leg of our journey , so when my grandpa read the Summer Palace description he pronounced " Cixi " in a funny way that made Mike laugh . " Cixi " is pronounced as " sushi " according to Mike , but the way my grandpa had said it sounded more like " Sexy " . Mike laughed so much . That became a running joke for the rest of our trip . Anyway , there were boats floating out on the lake . Some were paddle boats , but the ones I was most impressed with were the dragon boats that carried tourists to the Palace on the other side of the lake . They were huge ! And oh so beautiful . We walked up and around the bridge which was really steep and for some reason , I remember it being a little slippery . But it was magnificent ! After that we decided to take a boat over to the palace . It was slow moving but another welcome rest . We docked right next to a boat made out of marble . How that thing floated , I don 't know . I guess water displacement is the answer . Just like for all other boats - it 's science ! The boat rocked a little as we all climbed out . Back on solid ground , we made our way along a path that led up to a museum about Empress Dowager . There was a photo of Chairman Mao inside the museum that I took a picture of . Later I realized I wasn 't supposed to do that … oops . I heard all through the museum Chinese tourists whispering , " Sushi , sushi ! " . I determined to look up Cixi 's history when I returned to America . If you ever get the chance , look up her history . It 's very interesting . Mike took us down the hill that led us away from the museum and over to an outdoor hallway called the Long Corridor . It really is a " Long Corridor " too . It goes on for a half mile ! In every section of the corridor there are paintings that tell a story . We stopped for a rest after walking a ways down the corridor and Tyler pointed out a painting and began making up a story about what was happening in the picture . We all laughed . Even though we were in a shady spot and the sun was starting to drop in the sky , it was so hot ! We kept walking and headed toward the palace . When we made it there , my jaw dropped . The stairs . There were so many stairs . I was tired and there were so . Many . Stairs . Not as many as at Big Buddha , granted , but still . I wasn 't as tired then . We had to pass through a few gates before we got to the main staircase for the palace . It sat all the way at the top of the hill . The staircases were made out of marble . I kept thinking , " What a stupid stone to make stairs out of . They are so slippery ! " . I really think people must have slipped and cracked their heads all the time . The stairs on their own would have made a great defense if the palace ever got attacked . The walk up to the palace was quite beautiful . It was slippery and I was tired but it was worth it . The view was amazing ! You could see everything and I was so happy to be there ! I think that 's how things go in life though . The things that take the most effort in life are the things that are most worth it in the end . The climb down was a little dangerous and I slipped a couple times but we made it down safely . It was time to go . We made it back to the entrance to the Summer Palace after walking along the rest of the Long Corridor and through a maze of water lilies . Outside the gates my grandpa bought us some soft serve ice cream . I don 't remember what the flavor was exactly . I think it was vanilla , but it tasted different than any vanilla I had ever tried . It was sweet and tangy and cold and delicious ! The sun was setting but Mike had a few more things on our agenda . He took us to a Chinese acrobat / Kung - Fu show . It was pretty awesome ! I didn 't take any pictures since it was in a theater but it was pretty cool . It was performed by teenagers who were still in school . I don 't know how anyone could ever move like that . The last event for our night was dinner . Mike took us to a Peking Duck restaurant . The hostess led us to a private room where Mike ordered Coke and Sprite for everyone . I left to go to the bathroom , a dreaded event for me since pretty much all the toilets I had encountered that day were squatters . When I came back , Tyler had hidden my backpack . This had become an on - going event because whenever I would leave I would say , " Don 't let anyone steal my stuff " . So he would hide my backpack and say someone had stolen it . I knew Tyler wouldn 't tell me where it was so I tried to get Mike to fess up , but he wouldn 't . He thought it was funny too . What they didn 't understand is that even though , I knew they had it , I got this horrible anxious feeling without it close by . After all , it had all my money , passport and souvenirs in it . We sat around the table and waited for our food to come . When it did , it smelled magnificent ! They brought us what seemed to be tortillas with the Peking Duck . The idea was that you would roll up the duck in the small tortilla and dip it in sauce . The meal was delicious ! I 'm not normally one for dark meat but I really enjoyed it . Mike told us the duck 's head was a delicacy so he ordered it for us . Tyler ate the bill of the duck and I ate the brain . I 'll try anything once , as long as it 's not bugs … The brain was good . It was pasty but tasted like meat . I would probably eat it again . Mike drove us back to the hotel and once again told us when he 's pick us up the next day . We thanked him and went up to bed . I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow . I need my rest for the next day because we were going to the Great Wall . Still on our first day in Beijing . We left the Forbidden City to take a tour of the Hutongs . Hutongs are traditional Chinese neighborhoods . There are little shops mixed into the neighborhoods but mostly they are made up of small shack - like houses . Mike said he grew up in a hutong but he no longer lives in one . Hutongs are pretty dirty looking compared to any neighborhoods I 've ever seen . The one we went to in particular was a bit of a tourist spot , it seemed like to me . My grandparents had done this same tour a few years previous when they came to Beijing for the first time and loved it so much that they wanted Tyler and I to experience it as well . But this time we had a specific errand to run while we were there . My grandparents brought us back necklaces made from pottery the last time they were there so my mother wanted us to get one for her . We were on a mission to find the shop that sold the jewelry . Mike took us to a bike rental shop and then off we went against the crazy Beijing traffic . They don 't follow the rules of the road in Beijing very well . Stop lights often don 't mean much . While we rode into the hutong we noticed a lot of rickshaws passing by . Apparently you can pay to have a rickshaw runner take you around the hutong , but I 'm glad we rode bikes instead . The streets were tiny . The cars and small motor vehicles had to be careful while driving through . People sat outside , eating their lunches while they took a break from work . Every now and again a resident would pass by on their bike and I got into the habit of saying " Nihao " to them as they passed . The shock on their faces was so priceless that I giggled to myself every time ! I could just picture what they were thinking in their heads … " White people don 't speak Chinese ! ! ! " Of course , they would have been right about that . I only had a few phrases in my repertoire . We wound our way through the hutong and eventually found the shop after Mike did some asking . Unfortunately it was closed down for renovation . So Mike took us to an area where there were more shops and restaurants . We stopped to take pictures at a bridge . It was a nice spot with lots of scenery . I parked my bike next to a couple of girls and said , " Nihao " to them . This time one of the girls spoke back with more than the courteous " Nihao " reply . She spouted out all kinds of Chinese and I became flustered ! I said in rushed English , " I 'm sorry ! I don 't actually speak Chinese ! " To which , with a disappointed look , she replied in near perfect English , " Are you an American ? " I immediately felt even more embarrassed . I replied in the affirmative and wished her a pleasant day before running off to take pictures . I suppose it serves me right . After that , I was less giving with my " Nihaos " . We finished off our hutong tour by doing a bit of shopping down a souvenir alley . I got some pretty cool stuff and Tyler found a Japanese couple to talk to . He knew how excited I was to go to Japan in a couple of days so he wanted me to come and talk to them but couldn 't find me because I was shopping . It was a little past midday and we were all starving ! Mike told us he would take us to a dumpling shop for lunch . My grandparents were wary . Like I said before , they aren 't ones for trying adventurous foods . We returned our bikes , hopped in Mike 's car and made it to the restaurant pretty quickly . Cigarette smoke permeated every inch of the restaurant . I wrinkled my nose at the smell . It 's not one I will ever get used to . Mike asked us what we wanted to drink and ordered Sprite and Coke for everyone . I told him I just wanted some water . He seemed surprised and asked if I was sure . I was sure . It was hot and I was thirsty . In a minute , I understood why he was surprised I would ask for water . They brought me a tea pot and cup . The pot was full of steaming hot water ! The Chinese drink their water hot . Needless to say , that 's not what I was expecting . I drank the Sprite instead . The dumplings were delicious ! What dumplings are to the Chinese , are what we call Pot Stickers in America . But real Pot Stickers are so delicious ! Even my grandparents liked them . We had a few different fillings and I wish I could remember what was in them , but I remember one of them had a faint black licorice taste . Those weren 't my favorite , but the others were amazingly delectable . I 'll start off at the airport . Things went smoothly for us this time around . We made it on time to the Hong Kong international airport and didn 't have any snafus . We just got on the plane and took off . That was so nice . The flight was fairly short since Beijing is in the same country as Hong Kong . Only 3 hours . Once again , I was in the perfect position to see out the window when we were making our descent . It was dark by the time we got to Beijing , but I looked out the window anyway . I had no idea what to expect . I was thinking Beijing would have the same towering buildings as Hong Kong but when I looked out the window I was surprised to see that it looked similar to a night landscape you would find in Utah . Shining lights greeted me as I peered down at the unfamiliar freeways and neighborhoods . There were no tall buildings here . This seemed a little more familiar to me . By the time we unloaded off the airplane , the airport was fairly desolate . The lights were all dim and it was quiet . My grandma told me that the lights are all dim in Beijing . I later found this to be true . The combination of the dimmed lights and lack of people in the airport gave it a kind of eerie feeling . I felt like I was walking through a dream . We walked through customs and none of the customs workers would smile at you or talk to you . They were quite serious people and to be honest , it was a little disconcerting . It reminded me that I was no longer in a free country . This would not be a place that I could speak freely about whatever I wanted . Our tour guide , Mike Zhang was waiting for us as we got out of customs . Mike was another person who had become legendary in my mind . He had previously been the tour guide for my grandparents when they toured Beijing after their mission to Hong Kong . I had heard so many great things about him that I was so excited to meet him ! He looked just like the pictures I had seen of him . We didn 't do anything that first night . It was late and we were tired . Mike drove us to our hotel and dropped us off , letting us know what time he would be to get us in the morning . Our hotel was amazing ! ! ! It was so elaborately decorated and grand ! The only thing I didn 't like about it was that there was the lingering smell of stale cigarette smoke . I would later find that smoking is allowed in public places in China - something far different than in America . We went to bed and the morning came quickly . We ate a delicious breakfast at the hotel and then grabbed our things and waited for Mike in the lobby . When he got there , he let us know he had a full day planned for us . Our first stop would be the Forbidden City . He parked a little ways away so we walked through the neighborhoods to get to the gate for the Forbidden City . Mike was so knowledgeable . He gave us a brief history of the Forbidden City and let us know that in the old days commoners would be killed if they entered the Forbidden City for that was where the Emperor lived and he was deity . He talked and caught up with my grandparents . Mike had stopped smoking since the last time they had seen each other and his two kids and wife were visiting family in another province . ( Mike has two kids because one came from a previous marriage , so it didn 't go against China 's One Child Policy ) . I was amazed at the beauty of Beijing ! Mike was quite the charming individual . He was easy to talk to , knew a lot about the places he took us to and made you feel like you had been friends forever . While we were walking to the gate of the Forbidden City my grandpa asked something about the protests in Tiananmen Square that occurred during the 80 's , but Mike hushed us up right away . He told us that he would have to talk to us about that another time because there were recording devices and video cameras around . Of course , we all knew that he wouldn 't be talking about that to us , ever . I was amazed how huge the Forbidden City was once we got inside ! There were so many people and so many buildings . You weren 't really allowed to go inside any of the buildings , but it was still really awesome to see these ancient buildings . It was so hot while we were there , but the humidity was much less than that of Hong Kong . As we walked through the City , we were taught how to tell the difference between the male lion statues and the female lion statues . For any of you who are wondering , the females have a baby lion under their paw while the male lions have a soccer ball . And according to Mike , they really are soccer balls . Just from a really early version of soccer . As we continued walking , Tyler and I were stopped by two Chinese college students who were also touring the City and asked us if the could take a picture with us . We were , of course , flattered and allowed them to take the picture with us . As soon as we had taken the picture , we were mobbed by a group of twenty more girls from the same school all wanting to take pictures with us . It felt like we were celebrities ! To me , this was such an odd experience , it makes me chuckle to think about it . We were being left behind so we had to cut our time as celebrities short . But from then on , I was much more keenly aware of the stares we got while we were traveling . I guess they just don 't see white people very often . We made it out of the city after a couple of hours and walked across the street to a park . There were elderly ladies dancing together and it was so cute ! Mike said it 's common for something like that to occur in parks . Mike led us over to a set of stairs where we took a short break and took a group picture . We then proceeded to climb the stairs which led to a pagoda like building where we were able to get an amazing view of Beijing ! It was hazy , but we could see so far ! While you 're inside the Forbidden City , you don 't really realize how expansive it is , but the I realized it after we made it to the top of that hill . Mike informed us that Beijing is designed on the principles of Feng Shui , so whenever you see a square shaped building , you are likely to see a round building close by . He used the Olympic park as an example . The Bird 's Nest is a round building and is located right next to the Water Cube . The park was a really nice place . When we climbed to the bottom , there were old men playing harmonicas in the park just for fun . We tried to give them money , but they didn 't want it . Mike said that when people do that in Beijing , they do it for their own pleasure . That sure is different from America . Next on the list of things to do was a tour of the Hutongs , which are traditional Chinese neighborhoods . We were in for a real treat . I 'll get to that next time . Our last day in Hong Kong . So much to do in only half a day . This was the day we would be leaving to go to Beijing . I was excited to get going to Beijing but also sad to be leaving Hong Kong . Our plans for the day consisted of taking a quick trip to the LDS Hong Kong temple and then meeting up for lunch with my grandparent 's friends . So after some complimentary breakfast from our hotel ( since they messed up our paperwork ) we left to catch the subway and a bus to the area of Hong Kong where the temple was located . It was a nice trip on the bus . We sat on the top level and I was able to get some good pictures of the city . Like this one : I loved the look of the city . Even though it was so smelly and dirty , I really loved it . I had never been around such tall buildings all crammed together . It gave me a feeling of claustrophobia which wasn 't something I was too fond of , but the city has a beauty of it 's own . Hong Kong seemed to be place of contrasts with it 's smelly streets and dirty buildings juxtaposed to the incredibly clean , stylish and fashionable Chinese who inhabit them . The bus dropped us off right across the street from the temple . It was quite beautiful and very different from the temples in the U . S . The grounds were small and beautifully landscaped and the fountain out front was stunning . We walked around the grounds and the janitor came and talked to my grandparents while we walked around . That 's something that I really love about being LDS . No matter where you are in the world , there is an instant camaraderie when you find another member of the church . So you 're never really alone . We stayed long enough to get a good look and then walked across the street to take a few pictures and to see if we could take a look inside the new mission home . I didn 't get a good picture of the angel Moroni … The mission home was interesting because it was reminded me of a stake center , but it had a distribution center inside of it . But having never been on a mission myself , I 've never really had experience with that kind of thing . When we were wandering around the mission home , we met the Hong Kong mission president who knew a missionary that Tyler was friends with . Which I guess makes sense since he was the mission president . I found a poster for Hong Kong EFY also . Fun Fact . After a short tour of the temple grounds and mission home , we had to head back to the Wan Chai area to meet up with my grandparent 's friends for lunch . I was excited to meet them . These were people who had become somewhat legendary in my mind as people whom my grandparents really respected and loved . They had worked together at the Church Administration Building while my grandma and grandpa were on their mission . I had heard so many stories that I couldn 't wait to meet them . I wish I had gotten pictures of them all , but I only have pictures of Ashley . We met up at the Church Administration Building and Tyler and I were briefly introduced to Vivian and a few other people . As a side note , Vivian was the nice lady who helped us figure out why we had been having so many problems with our flights and the hotel in Hong Kong . She even took the time to call ahead and make sure we were all set for Beijing and Japan . She was such a great help ! Anyway , we took a quick walk down the street to a tiny Italian restaurant and had lunch there . I sat next to Tyler and a man named Jason . Jason was such a crack up ! Just from the brief amount of time I sat and talked with him I could tell he was a jokester and I love jokesters . I also was able to talk with a lady who had a daughter who was trying to get into the same college I go to . It was really fun talking to her as well . I wish I could remember her name … but unfortunately I 've forgotten . Lunch was very pleasant . An interesting fact about Hong Kong is that they don 't have lemonade there . If you can find real lemonade , it 's a rare treat but what they have in Hong Kong is much better than lemonade in my opinion . At lunch they brought out ice water for everyone along with a few slices of lemon and a little pitcher full of liquid sugar . This was how they make lemonade . It 's not as sweet or powerful as the lemonade we have in America , but I liked it a lot better . They give you a little spoon like thing to stir your drink once you add the sugar in . The spoon is also used to crush the lemons up to get the lemon juice mixed in the water . I 've tried to recreate it now that I 'm home but it 's just not the same . We all had a really good time at lunch . When it was over we went back to the CAB and said our good - byes . It was very touching to watch my grandparents have to say good - bye to these people they had come to love . I hope they can see each other again . Sometimes the world is so small … but it 's times like this when it seems so large and a little bit lonely . I realized at that moment that it 's people who make the place and not the place that makes the people . I 'm so grateful that my grandparents shared Hong Kong with me . |
I felt sad the morning we left Beijing . I had truly enjoyed my time in China and was sad to be leaving . But at the same time , I knew that in a matter of hours , my life - long dream would be coming true ! How could I stay sad with that in mind ? We said our good - byes to Mike at the airport and promised to keep in touch . If you ever need a tour guide for Beijing , Mike Zhang from Beijing Private Tours is the best . Anyway , we went our separate ways and when we reached the ticket counter we were informed that we would be able to change our tickets to a direct flight to Japan . Instead of having to lay - over in Hong Kong , we would be able to be in Japan in just a few short hours ! This was the best news ever ! I could hardly contain my excitement ! The time came for us to board our plane and take the 4 hour journey to the island of Japan . As we were in the air I began to get really nervous . All kinds of thoughts were rushing through my mind . What if we got to Japan and I didn 't like it ? What if it 's not everything I hoped it would be ? What happens then ? Everything in my life had led up to this moment - all of my past and all of my plans for the future would be wasted if it turned out that it wasn 't what I had thought . Until those few hours sitting in the airplane , those thoughts had never crossed my mind and I felt as though my entire identity would be destroyed if that was the case . As we began our descent I looked out the window at the green grass and mountains and teared up . I wiped the tears from my eyes as a feeling of peace and excitement replaced my fears . I knew at that moment that this was so right . That this was the right direction for my life . I felt my self grinning from ear to ear . After a bit of a struggle to figure out transportation and our money situation at the Narita Airport , we were able to board a train that would take us to Shinagawa , the ward in Tokyo that we would be staying in . We started out in a tunnel , but when we finally made it outside , I couldn 't take my eyes off the scenery that was passing me by . Even when my neck started to hurt , I didn 't want to look away for fear of missing out on something . I tried to commit everything I was seeing to my permanent memory . The sound of the Japanese language ringing through my ears was wonderful ! My heart ached to be able to someday be fluent in Japanese . How could I have doubted that I wouldn 't have liked Japan ? ! I was already so in love with everything and I hadn 't even been off the train yet ! I don 't think I had ever been so happy and grateful in my life . By the time we reached Shinagawa station , it was dark outside . It took us a few minutes to find our way out of the station and when we did , we didn 't need to look far to find our hotel . We stayed in Shinagawa Prince Hotel , which is located directly across the street from the Shinagawa station . Shinagawa Prince Hotel is such a cool place to stay , by the way ! They have their own aquarium and three towers of hotels and restaurants . I loved staying there . We went to drop our things off in our rooms and I ran to the window to get a good look of the city of Tokyo . When I threw back the curtains I saw fireworks going off ! I tried to get a good picture but it ended up being a bit blurry . As a joke , I told my grandma that they must be doing fireworks because they knew I was coming and wanted to welcome me to Japan . Really , the fireworks were because we arrived on one of the days of the Bon Festival . We were all hungry and Tyler and I wanted to eat real Japanese food so we split up from my grandparents . They went to the McDonald 's near our hotel and Tyler and I went walking around Tokyo to find a good place to eat . We didn 't walk far before we found a ramen shop so we decided to stop there . We entered inside and ordered us the best ramen I have ever had ! I can 't remember the exact kind I ordered , but it was so delicious ! I have never really liked Top Ramen like we have in America , but I really can 't eat it at all now that I have had the real stuff . It was sweltering hot in the ramen shop but we were so hungry so it didn 't matter much . Here 's a fun fact for you - when you are eating ramen , it 's polite to slurp . Because slurping isn 't really polite in America , I had to get used to it at first , but once I got the hang of slurping , it was really fun ! We finished eating and decided to take a look around . We walked for probably close to an hour and a half . So many people were dressed up for Bon in their Yukata and they all looked so elegant ! I wanted to wear a Yukata too ! Tyler and I crossed to the other side of the station where there were more restaurants and shops . We eventually walked to a four way stop that gave us a magnificent view of the Tokyo Tower all lit up for the night . It was beautiful ! I was happy to spend time with Tyler like this in Japan because Japan had kind of connected us since we were little kids . We had a full day tour of Tokyo the next day so we decided to head back to the hotel and get some rest . On our way back I decided I wanted to take a picture with some girls in Yukata . After Tyler helped me work up my courage , I asked a group of girls in my best Japanese if they would let me take a picture with them . They were gracious and said yes . Unfortunately , the picture didn 't turn out … The car ride was a little long . We drove farther out into the Chinese country side toward Dragon Gorge . As we drove , Mike told us a story about a Chinese Emperor who was looking for the Fountain of Youth . He would send people out to look for it and if they couldn 't find it he would kill them . Since no one could find it , the Emperor killed many people . One day a man came to him and told him that he would be able to find the Fountain of Youth if the Emperor would send him with a large group of men and women and supplies to help them survive . Desperate , the Emperor agreed to give the man everything he had asked for . But the joke was on the Emperor . The man took the group of people and left China . Mike speculated that this group of people may have gone to Japan but no one knows for sure . Anyway , I thought it was interesting . Dragon Gorge starts out as a cute little town made up of a hotel and restaurants . There was a place for a stage where parties often occur . It was a cute little town . The mountains surrounding it had red Chinese characters but I didn 't ask what they meant . Going to Dragon Gorge was my grandpa 's idea and I 'm glad he thought to go there . It was well worth the trip . We walked a little ways more and entered into the mouth of a dragon that was attached to a cliff . Inside of the dragon were escalators that would take you to the top of the dam that was nearby . We walked through a cave and found our way to the small boats that would take us on a lovely river tour of Dragon Gorge . It was cooler here than anywhere else we had been so far . We had to climb over a few boats before we could make it to ours . I was a little nervous that I would fall in the water because there were gaps in between the boats . But that was kind of an unrealistic thought . Still though … it would have been bad if I had . We found seats and sat down . The trip down the river was relaxing . Tall cliffs surrounded us on both sides of the river and many of the cliffs had blaring red words looking down on us . It was gorgeous and relaxing and wonderful ! We passed by a place where you could stop off on your way back to the entrance and bungee jump . Tyler and I told Mike that he should try it . He wasn 't too thrilled with that idea though . We continued on for a few minutes more and were dropped of at a landing site that had a small Buddhist temple at the top and other paths you could hike along if you wanted . We went up to the temple . It was quite and peaceful . There was a small souvenir shop just before you climbed the stairs to the temple . I wondered how often people actually purchased anything from that shop . Tyler and I entered into the temple where there was a big bell . I stepped up and rang it . The sound was deep and lovely and it echoed off the mountains . We didn 't stay long , but I 'm glad I went in to take a look . As we headed back down the mountain to meet our boat , Mike asked us a surprising question . He looked at us and asked , " You do this , right ? " , as he crossed himself . I was so surprised that he asked us that ! Christian religion is not something really allowed in China . I felt nervous answering him because I didn 't want him to get in trouble , but we answered his question and explained that though we are Christians , we don 't cross ourselves . He asked about our family 's life style and the roll of women and things he couldn 't have asked anywhere else besides out in the middle of nowhere . Once again , I was hit with the realization that China is not a free country and I felt a little sad that these people are so curious and yet are kept from things they really want to discover . I felt lucky and so proud to be an American . The questions didn 't last long though as we made our way back to the boat . We made it back to the entrance of Dragon Gorge and after taking a few more pictures made our way out of the park . As we were leaving , a little girl came up to me and wanted to speak English . I could tell she was unsure of herself so I said something in Chinese to try and open her up a little bit . She said hello and went on her way . Mike said she was too shy to speak English with me . She was sure cute , though ! We left Dragon Gorge and headed back to Beijing . Tonight , Mike was going to treat us to our next culinary adventure - Hot pot ! Hot pot is basically seasoned water you boil at your table and dip meat and other vegetables into to cook them . I loved it ! It was so hot in that restaurant though , that people were taking their shirts off ! It was rather shocking ! And I could have done without the cigarette smoke that floated around the restaurant . But I loved hot pot . My favorite was the beef . It was so thinly sliced and tender and delicious ! We made a huge mess at dinner but I don 't think anyone in the restaurant got away clean either , so I don 't feel too bad . Next time I have hot pot it won 't be in the middle of the summer . It 's much too hot . We had one more item on our agenda that day , and that was a drive past the Olympic Village . We were tired so we didn 't get out to look around but I will never forget how beautiful the Bird 's Nest and Water Cube were ! Beijing is an amazing place . I 'm glad the 2008 Olympics were held there . I hope someday I can go back and visit again . This was our last night in Beijing . In the morning we were heading to Japan ! Finally I would be in the place I had only dreamed I would ever see ! I was so excited ! But at the same time , I had so completely enjoyed my time in Beijing that I was sad to go . After only two days with Mike , it felt as if we had been life long friends . Beijing was more than I had ever expected . I 'm so grateful I was able to spend time there . Mike dropped us off at our hotel and told us he would pick us up and take us to the airport in the morning . I went to bed that night dead tired and with bittersweet feelings . Like I said , I hope I can return to Beijing someday . Early . We woke up earlier than normal . The breakfast buffet the hotel prepares in the mornings wasn 't even ready . It may have been an early morning , but I was glad to have slept like a rock during the night . Mike picked us up at the lobby after breakfast and we left to go to the Great Wall . This is a must see if you go to China . It was surprisingly not far from where we were staying in Beijing . Mike took us to a section of the Wall called " Mutianyu " . We got there early enough that there weren 't too many tourists there . We parked and had to climb a very steep hill to get to a tram that took you the rest of the way up the mountain . The path to the tram was lined on either side with tiny shops . " Good deal for you ! Only one dollar ! " could be heard echoing through the street . We made it up the hill and jumped on the tram . We had the option of waiting to ride in the same car that Bill Clinton had taken when he was president , but we didn 't take it . When we got to the wall , there were a few stairs we had to climb to get to the main part of the wall . The stones were steep and worn . When we made it to the top of the wall , I looked over at the mountain to my left . It had Chinese written on it . I was curious what it said so I asked Mike . He said the characters meant " Loyal to Mao " . Another reminder that this was a communist country . It was easy to forget that sometimes . It felt free , like America , but little reminders would pop up every now and again . Like how Mike didn 't know what Facebook was or how he had never been able to use YouTube . The section of the wall we went to wasn 't very long . I 'm sure it wasn 't much more than a mile but it was actually pretty hard work making our way along the wall . It rose and fell with the peaks of the mountain so it was an up and down hill battle . The walk ways were crumbling a little so you had to be very careful where you stepped or else you would take a nasty tumble . It was incredible to see how long the wall went . Farther than I could see . Each post was a nice break because the air would blow through them and create a natural air conditioner . It was wonderful ! The whole time we were on the wall all I could think of was " Mulan " . Quotes kept rushing through my head like , " Now all of China knows you are here ! " and " How many people does it take to deliver a message ? - One " . And of course , the songs from " Mulan " were on repeat inside my head . I even caught myself humming them as I walked along . It didn 't take too long to reach the end of our Great Wall tour . At the end we were given the option of walking down the hill or taking a toboggan down the mountain . Needless to say , we took the toboggan . It was so freaking awesome ! ! ! We went down the metal half - pipe at lightning fast speed ! Or we would have but sometimes we got in a bit of a traffic jam . At the end of the toboggan ride there were a couple of guys dressed up in old fashioned Chinese clothes so we paid them and took a picture with them . They were really funny guys . I 'm glad I got a picture with them . I wanted to get some souvenirs and do some bargaining before we left the Great Wall . I ended up getting a couple of t - shirts that said " I < 3 北京 Now more then ever " . I had to buy them because of the grammatical error on the shirt - everyone needs a grammatically incorrect Asia t - shirt . Plus I wanted a Beijing t - shirt . She wanted the equivalent of $ 50 for two shirts but I talked her down to $ 40 . I felt really good about it too . But … I didn 't bargain very well . I could have gotten them a lot cheaper so Tyler made fun of me for the rest of the day . He still does on occasion . We left the Great Wall and stopped at a roadside restaurant . It was such a cool restaurant because you had to catch your own fish and then they would cook it for you . It was so fun ! Tyler caught the fish right away and they cooked it up for us . We had an eggplant dish and some other egg dish . I really liked everything we ate . The egg thing was interesting , but not my favorite . But everything else was really good . We ate outside under a shaded pavilion . The ambiance was wonderful ! The car felt good . Even though Tyler , Grandma and I were crammed in the tiny back seat of Mike 's VW , I still fell asleep . The air - conditioning was too much to resist after a good meal and a full morning . I was so glad to finally have a chance to rest for a little bit . I woke up the beeping of Mike 's car parallel parking down the street from the Summer Palace . We got out of the car and walked by a tunnel entrance . I 'm not sure where it lead to , but the smell of urine was quite powerful . The walk wasn 't far to the gate of the Summer Palace . I was struck by the beauty of the Summer Palace as soon as we passed through the entrance gate . Immediately in front of us was a beautiful lake surrounded by pagodas and trees . To our left there was a long bridge over the lake and to our right stood the enormous palace where Empress Cixi Dowager had once lived . Before we had entered the Palace gate , Mike had us read a short description of the place we would be visiting . We had been trying to pronounce Chinese the correct way since we had started this leg of our journey , so when my grandpa read the Summer Palace description he pronounced " Cixi " in a funny way that made Mike laugh . " Cixi " is pronounced as " sushi " according to Mike , but the way my grandpa had said it sounded more like " Sexy " . Mike laughed so much . That became a running joke for the rest of our trip . Anyway , there were boats floating out on the lake . Some were paddle boats , but the ones I was most impressed with were the dragon boats that carried tourists to the Palace on the other side of the lake . They were huge ! And oh so beautiful . We walked up and around the bridge which was really steep and for some reason , I remember it being a little slippery . But it was magnificent ! After that we decided to take a boat over to the palace . It was slow moving but another welcome rest . We docked right next to a boat made out of marble . How that thing floated , I don 't know . I guess water displacement is the answer . Just like for all other boats - it 's science ! The boat rocked a little as we all climbed out . Back on solid ground , we made our way along a path that led up to a museum about Empress Dowager . There was a photo of Chairman Mao inside the museum that I took a picture of . Later I realized I wasn 't supposed to do that … oops . I heard all through the museum Chinese tourists whispering , " Sushi , sushi ! " . I determined to look up Cixi 's history when I returned to America . If you ever get the chance , look up her history . It 's very interesting . Mike took us down the hill that led us away from the museum and over to an outdoor hallway called the Long Corridor . It really is a " Long Corridor " too . It goes on for a half mile ! In every section of the corridor there are paintings that tell a story . We stopped for a rest after walking a ways down the corridor and Tyler pointed out a painting and began making up a story about what was happening in the picture . We all laughed . Even though we were in a shady spot and the sun was starting to drop in the sky , it was so hot ! We kept walking and headed toward the palace . When we made it there , my jaw dropped . The stairs . There were so many stairs . I was tired and there were so . Many . Stairs . Not as many as at Big Buddha , granted , but still . I wasn 't as tired then . We had to pass through a few gates before we got to the main staircase for the palace . It sat all the way at the top of the hill . The staircases were made out of marble . I kept thinking , " What a stupid stone to make stairs out of . They are so slippery ! " . I really think people must have slipped and cracked their heads all the time . The stairs on their own would have made a great defense if the palace ever got attacked . The walk up to the palace was quite beautiful . It was slippery and I was tired but it was worth it . The view was amazing ! You could see everything and I was so happy to be there ! I think that 's how things go in life though . The things that take the most effort in life are the things that are most worth it in the end . The climb down was a little dangerous and I slipped a couple times but we made it down safely . It was time to go . We made it back to the entrance to the Summer Palace after walking along the rest of the Long Corridor and through a maze of water lilies . Outside the gates my grandpa bought us some soft serve ice cream . I don 't remember what the flavor was exactly . I think it was vanilla , but it tasted different than any vanilla I had ever tried . It was sweet and tangy and cold and delicious ! The sun was setting but Mike had a few more things on our agenda . He took us to a Chinese acrobat / Kung - Fu show . It was pretty awesome ! I didn 't take any pictures since it was in a theater but it was pretty cool . It was performed by teenagers who were still in school . I don 't know how anyone could ever move like that . The last event for our night was dinner . Mike took us to a Peking Duck restaurant . The hostess led us to a private room where Mike ordered Coke and Sprite for everyone . I left to go to the bathroom , a dreaded event for me since pretty much all the toilets I had encountered that day were squatters . When I came back , Tyler had hidden my backpack . This had become an on - going event because whenever I would leave I would say , " Don 't let anyone steal my stuff " . So he would hide my backpack and say someone had stolen it . I knew Tyler wouldn 't tell me where it was so I tried to get Mike to fess up , but he wouldn 't . He thought it was funny too . What they didn 't understand is that even though , I knew they had it , I got this horrible anxious feeling without it close by . After all , it had all my money , passport and souvenirs in it . We sat around the table and waited for our food to come . When it did , it smelled magnificent ! They brought us what seemed to be tortillas with the Peking Duck . The idea was that you would roll up the duck in the small tortilla and dip it in sauce . The meal was delicious ! I 'm not normally one for dark meat but I really enjoyed it . Mike told us the duck 's head was a delicacy so he ordered it for us . Tyler ate the bill of the duck and I ate the brain . I 'll try anything once , as long as it 's not bugs … The brain was good . It was pasty but tasted like meat . I would probably eat it again . Mike drove us back to the hotel and once again told us when he 's pick us up the next day . We thanked him and went up to bed . I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow . I need my rest for the next day because we were going to the Great Wall . Still on our first day in Beijing . We left the Forbidden City to take a tour of the Hutongs . Hutongs are traditional Chinese neighborhoods . There are little shops mixed into the neighborhoods but mostly they are made up of small shack - like houses . Mike said he grew up in a hutong but he no longer lives in one . Hutongs are pretty dirty looking compared to any neighborhoods I 've ever seen . The one we went to in particular was a bit of a tourist spot , it seemed like to me . My grandparents had done this same tour a few years previous when they came to Beijing for the first time and loved it so much that they wanted Tyler and I to experience it as well . But this time we had a specific errand to run while we were there . My grandparents brought us back necklaces made from pottery the last time they were there so my mother wanted us to get one for her . We were on a mission to find the shop that sold the jewelry . Mike took us to a bike rental shop and then off we went against the crazy Beijing traffic . They don 't follow the rules of the road in Beijing very well . Stop lights often don 't mean much . While we rode into the hutong we noticed a lot of rickshaws passing by . Apparently you can pay to have a rickshaw runner take you around the hutong , but I 'm glad we rode bikes instead . The streets were tiny . The cars and small motor vehicles had to be careful while driving through . People sat outside , eating their lunches while they took a break from work . Every now and again a resident would pass by on their bike and I got into the habit of saying " Nihao " to them as they passed . The shock on their faces was so priceless that I giggled to myself every time ! I could just picture what they were thinking in their heads … " White people don 't speak Chinese ! ! ! " Of course , they would have been right about that . I only had a few phrases in my repertoire . We wound our way through the hutong and eventually found the shop after Mike did some asking . Unfortunately it was closed down for renovation . So Mike took us to an area where there were more shops and restaurants . We stopped to take pictures at a bridge . It was a nice spot with lots of scenery . I parked my bike next to a couple of girls and said , " Nihao " to them . This time one of the girls spoke back with more than the courteous " Nihao " reply . She spouted out all kinds of Chinese and I became flustered ! I said in rushed English , " I 'm sorry ! I don 't actually speak Chinese ! " To which , with a disappointed look , she replied in near perfect English , " Are you an American ? " I immediately felt even more embarrassed . I replied in the affirmative and wished her a pleasant day before running off to take pictures . I suppose it serves me right . After that , I was less giving with my " Nihaos " . We finished off our hutong tour by doing a bit of shopping down a souvenir alley . I got some pretty cool stuff and Tyler found a Japanese couple to talk to . He knew how excited I was to go to Japan in a couple of days so he wanted me to come and talk to them but couldn 't find me because I was shopping . It was a little past midday and we were all starving ! Mike told us he would take us to a dumpling shop for lunch . My grandparents were wary . Like I said before , they aren 't ones for trying adventurous foods . We returned our bikes , hopped in Mike 's car and made it to the restaurant pretty quickly . Cigarette smoke permeated every inch of the restaurant . I wrinkled my nose at the smell . It 's not one I will ever get used to . Mike asked us what we wanted to drink and ordered Sprite and Coke for everyone . I told him I just wanted some water . He seemed surprised and asked if I was sure . I was sure . It was hot and I was thirsty . In a minute , I understood why he was surprised I would ask for water . They brought me a tea pot and cup . The pot was full of steaming hot water ! The Chinese drink their water hot . Needless to say , that 's not what I was expecting . I drank the Sprite instead . The dumplings were delicious ! What dumplings are to the Chinese , are what we call Pot Stickers in America . But real Pot Stickers are so delicious ! Even my grandparents liked them . We had a few different fillings and I wish I could remember what was in them , but I remember one of them had a faint black licorice taste . Those weren 't my favorite , but the others were amazingly delectable . I 'll start off at the airport . Things went smoothly for us this time around . We made it on time to the Hong Kong international airport and didn 't have any snafus . We just got on the plane and took off . That was so nice . The flight was fairly short since Beijing is in the same country as Hong Kong . Only 3 hours . Once again , I was in the perfect position to see out the window when we were making our descent . It was dark by the time we got to Beijing , but I looked out the window anyway . I had no idea what to expect . I was thinking Beijing would have the same towering buildings as Hong Kong but when I looked out the window I was surprised to see that it looked similar to a night landscape you would find in Utah . Shining lights greeted me as I peered down at the unfamiliar freeways and neighborhoods . There were no tall buildings here . This seemed a little more familiar to me . By the time we unloaded off the airplane , the airport was fairly desolate . The lights were all dim and it was quiet . My grandma told me that the lights are all dim in Beijing . I later found this to be true . The combination of the dimmed lights and lack of people in the airport gave it a kind of eerie feeling . I felt like I was walking through a dream . We walked through customs and none of the customs workers would smile at you or talk to you . They were quite serious people and to be honest , it was a little disconcerting . It reminded me that I was no longer in a free country . This would not be a place that I could speak freely about whatever I wanted . Our tour guide , Mike Zhang was waiting for us as we got out of customs . Mike was another person who had become legendary in my mind . He had previously been the tour guide for my grandparents when they toured Beijing after their mission to Hong Kong . I had heard so many great things about him that I was so excited to meet him ! He looked just like the pictures I had seen of him . We didn 't do anything that first night . It was late and we were tired . Mike drove us to our hotel and dropped us off , letting us know what time he would be to get us in the morning . Our hotel was amazing ! ! ! It was so elaborately decorated and grand ! The only thing I didn 't like about it was that there was the lingering smell of stale cigarette smoke . I would later find that smoking is allowed in public places in China - something far different than in America . We went to bed and the morning came quickly . We ate a delicious breakfast at the hotel and then grabbed our things and waited for Mike in the lobby . When he got there , he let us know he had a full day planned for us . Our first stop would be the Forbidden City . He parked a little ways away so we walked through the neighborhoods to get to the gate for the Forbidden City . Mike was so knowledgeable . He gave us a brief history of the Forbidden City and let us know that in the old days commoners would be killed if they entered the Forbidden City for that was where the Emperor lived and he was deity . He talked and caught up with my grandparents . Mike had stopped smoking since the last time they had seen each other and his two kids and wife were visiting family in another province . ( Mike has two kids because one came from a previous marriage , so it didn 't go against China 's One Child Policy ) . I was amazed at the beauty of Beijing ! Mike was quite the charming individual . He was easy to talk to , knew a lot about the places he took us to and made you feel like you had been friends forever . While we were walking to the gate of the Forbidden City my grandpa asked something about the protests in Tiananmen Square that occurred during the 80 's , but Mike hushed us up right away . He told us that he would have to talk to us about that another time because there were recording devices and video cameras around . Of course , we all knew that he wouldn 't be talking about that to us , ever . I was amazed how huge the Forbidden City was once we got inside ! There were so many people and so many buildings . You weren 't really allowed to go inside any of the buildings , but it was still really awesome to see these ancient buildings . It was so hot while we were there , but the humidity was much less than that of Hong Kong . As we walked through the City , we were taught how to tell the difference between the male lion statues and the female lion statues . For any of you who are wondering , the females have a baby lion under their paw while the male lions have a soccer ball . And according to Mike , they really are soccer balls . Just from a really early version of soccer . As we continued walking , Tyler and I were stopped by two Chinese college students who were also touring the City and asked us if the could take a picture with us . We were , of course , flattered and allowed them to take the picture with us . As soon as we had taken the picture , we were mobbed by a group of twenty more girls from the same school all wanting to take pictures with us . It felt like we were celebrities ! To me , this was such an odd experience , it makes me chuckle to think about it . We were being left behind so we had to cut our time as celebrities short . But from then on , I was much more keenly aware of the stares we got while we were traveling . I guess they just don 't see white people very often . We made it out of the city after a couple of hours and walked across the street to a park . There were elderly ladies dancing together and it was so cute ! Mike said it 's common for something like that to occur in parks . Mike led us over to a set of stairs where we took a short break and took a group picture . We then proceeded to climb the stairs which led to a pagoda like building where we were able to get an amazing view of Beijing ! It was hazy , but we could see so far ! While you 're inside the Forbidden City , you don 't really realize how expansive it is , but the I realized it after we made it to the top of that hill . Mike informed us that Beijing is designed on the principles of Feng Shui , so whenever you see a square shaped building , you are likely to see a round building close by . He used the Olympic park as an example . The Bird 's Nest is a round building and is located right next to the Water Cube . The park was a really nice place . When we climbed to the bottom , there were old men playing harmonicas in the park just for fun . We tried to give them money , but they didn 't want it . Mike said that when people do that in Beijing , they do it for their own pleasure . That sure is different from America . Next on the list of things to do was a tour of the Hutongs , which are traditional Chinese neighborhoods . We were in for a real treat . I 'll get to that next time . Our last day in Hong Kong . So much to do in only half a day . This was the day we would be leaving to go to Beijing . I was excited to get going to Beijing but also sad to be leaving Hong Kong . Our plans for the day consisted of taking a quick trip to the LDS Hong Kong temple and then meeting up for lunch with my grandparent 's friends . So after some complimentary breakfast from our hotel ( since they messed up our paperwork ) we left to catch the subway and a bus to the area of Hong Kong where the temple was located . It was a nice trip on the bus . We sat on the top level and I was able to get some good pictures of the city . Like this one : I loved the look of the city . Even though it was so smelly and dirty , I really loved it . I had never been around such tall buildings all crammed together . It gave me a feeling of claustrophobia which wasn 't something I was too fond of , but the city has a beauty of it 's own . Hong Kong seemed to be place of contrasts with it 's smelly streets and dirty buildings juxtaposed to the incredibly clean , stylish and fashionable Chinese who inhabit them . The bus dropped us off right across the street from the temple . It was quite beautiful and very different from the temples in the U . S . The grounds were small and beautifully landscaped and the fountain out front was stunning . We walked around the grounds and the janitor came and talked to my grandparents while we walked around . That 's something that I really love about being LDS . No matter where you are in the world , there is an instant camaraderie when you find another member of the church . So you 're never really alone . We stayed long enough to get a good look and then walked across the street to take a few pictures and to see if we could take a look inside the new mission home . I didn 't get a good picture of the angel Moroni … The mission home was interesting because it was reminded me of a stake center , but it had a distribution center inside of it . But having never been on a mission myself , I 've never really had experience with that kind of thing . When we were wandering around the mission home , we met the Hong Kong mission president who knew a missionary that Tyler was friends with . Which I guess makes sense since he was the mission president . I found a poster for Hong Kong EFY also . Fun Fact . After a short tour of the temple grounds and mission home , we had to head back to the Wan Chai area to meet up with my grandparent 's friends for lunch . I was excited to meet them . These were people who had become somewhat legendary in my mind as people whom my grandparents really respected and loved . They had worked together at the Church Administration Building while my grandma and grandpa were on their mission . I had heard so many stories that I couldn 't wait to meet them . I wish I had gotten pictures of them all , but I only have pictures of Ashley . We met up at the Church Administration Building and Tyler and I were briefly introduced to Vivian and a few other people . As a side note , Vivian was the nice lady who helped us figure out why we had been having so many problems with our flights and the hotel in Hong Kong . She even took the time to call ahead and make sure we were all set for Beijing and Japan . She was such a great help ! Anyway , we took a quick walk down the street to a tiny Italian restaurant and had lunch there . I sat next to Tyler and a man named Jason . Jason was such a crack up ! Just from the brief amount of time I sat and talked with him I could tell he was a jokester and I love jokesters . I also was able to talk with a lady who had a daughter who was trying to get into the same college I go to . It was really fun talking to her as well . I wish I could remember her name … but unfortunately I 've forgotten . Lunch was very pleasant . An interesting fact about Hong Kong is that they don 't have lemonade there . If you can find real lemonade , it 's a rare treat but what they have in Hong Kong is much better than lemonade in my opinion . At lunch they brought out ice water for everyone along with a few slices of lemon and a little pitcher full of liquid sugar . This was how they make lemonade . It 's not as sweet or powerful as the lemonade we have in America , but I liked it a lot better . They give you a little spoon like thing to stir your drink once you add the sugar in . The spoon is also used to crush the lemons up to get the lemon juice mixed in the water . I 've tried to recreate it now that I 'm home but it 's just not the same . We all had a really good time at lunch . When it was over we went back to the CAB and said our good - byes . It was very touching to watch my grandparents have to say good - bye to these people they had come to love . I hope they can see each other again . Sometimes the world is so small … but it 's times like this when it seems so large and a little bit lonely . I realized at that moment that it 's people who make the place and not the place that makes the people . I 'm so grateful that my grandparents shared Hong Kong with me . |
I used to clean my neighbors home . I was new to the area and wanted something to do outside of my own home . My neighbor , a beautiful woman , worked very hard at her job and had little time for cleaning . She had a cleaning lady although one day was talking about the areas she wished could be improved . I offered to clean her home . I really liked it , as I would walk over in my slippers , unlock her door , put on my IPOD to some rock - n - roll and just clean . To me , it was like I was getting paid for a fun workout ! One day , in the winter , I was jamming away , dancing around and cleaning when it was time to clean the exterior of her sliding glass doors . I went outside . It was a cold , cold day , but sunny . I wondered if the Windex would freeze right when it was sprayed on the window . I had taken off my IPOD and I heard a sad wailing . I could tell it was an animal and it sounded hurt . The sound seemed to come from the river . Each winter , when the temperatures drop , the top of the river freezes over . The water still flows beneath the river , although the top forms an icy crust . I walked across her back yard and stared . Sure enough there was an animal walking and crying in the center of the river . I went down to the dock and started making kissing sounds , calling to the animal . The animal started walking toward the dock . Once the animal was about 30 feet from the dock , I could tell it was some sort of dog . But , it looked strange . In the distance I could see it 's face did not look normal , and it must have been just a pup . I kept calling and calling but the animal seemed frightened and stayed on the ice . I went inside and called animal control . A few minutes later a Sheriff arrived , as in our small town , animal control is the Sheriff . He came in and walked out onto the porch with me . I explained the situation and we caught sight of the pup whimpering and wailing walking along the center of the river . It was a scary situation , because the ice was not solid and there were little melting puddles within the ice that was very thin . The animal could have fallen through and I was beside myself . The Sheriff indicated that there was nothing that could be done , as the dog started running up the center of the river and it was too dangerous . No human would consider doing such a foolish thing , going out onto the ice , they would surely fall through . I thanked the Sheriff as he left and continued to clean , the whole time listening for the poor pup . At the end of my shift , I poked my head out of her sliding glass door , to hear another neighbor calling to it . I walked down to the dock again , this time to see a neighbor downstream , kneeling at his dock holding out a hot - dog . The pup was back and crying on the ice , walking slowly in but stopping about 20 feet away from the dock . Then it started running up towards my direction and ran past me on the ice . This time , I had a chance to see it closer and realized it was a German Shepherd puppy . It 's eyes where white , because it was blind . A blind dog , stranded on the ice . My heart just tugged , but still there seemed nothing we could do . I went back to my house . For two days all of us who lived on the river , listened to the poor baby crying on the ice . We all talked on the phone , we all left food out on the docks , we all called to it . It seemed like a helpless situation , and it caused us much anxiety to hear the wailing in the middle of the night , knowing this pup was on its second day there , with no food and bone chilling temperatures . My hubby had been on the road for work . But , he spent time on the phone with me as I told him about this dog and how heartbreaking the cries in the night were . On Christmas Eve , my husband was due back home . Once he arrived , he asked have I heard any news on the dog ? I shook my head ' no ' as the last time I heard it , was the night before . I was sure the dog had perished . Just as I said this , we both heard a wail . I jumped up and said that is the dog ! Next thing I know , my hubby was out the back door . I ran to the porch after him . Yelling for him not to do anything crazy and to be careful . He disappeared through the archway which lead to the river . I stayed on the porch completely frightened for him . Time began to pass and I heard nothing . Not my hubby or the dog was making a sound . When suddenly , in the darkness of the sunset , my husband 's silhouette appeared beneath the archway , with a bundle in his arms . My heart leapt ! He carried into the house the dog who now had now been on the ice for three days . The dog , we called her Sheba , was a puppy of 6 months . She was completely blind . Around her neck was a nylon cord that had been broken or chewed . Her nose was hot and she was barely hanging onto life . We fed her milk and water through a dropper . We kept her warm . We took care of her until a vet was willing to see her a couple days later . They put her on an IV and was not sure if she would make it . She had an infection from the cold temperatures . But , Sheba pulled through within the week . We knew we couldn 't keep her there on the river , so we were going to take her to an animal sanctuary in another state . Before we had the chance , the vet found a wonderful home for her up in the hills . A home where they raised German Shepherds , with acres for them to run , all fenced off . It was like a dream . On every Christmas Eve , I think about Sheba , and of course my hero , my hubby . Our family recently got through the one - year anniversary of my husband 's passing . On the day , my son and I wrote little notes to him and then burned them . We blew the ashes out into the wind . It was our way of sending him the thoughts in our hearts . Later , we were talking about other ways that we still talk to my hubby . My son told me he calls his cell phone and leaves messages on his voicemail . After my hubby passed away , I could not bring myself to cancel his cell phone service . So , I pay for his line every month . I had already played his voicemail greeting and recorded it on a hand - held recorder , just so I could have the sound of his voice stored , but still , I want to be able to call him . So , his cell phone account is still active . While discussing this with my child , he told me he calls his line often and on particularly difficult days , he may call more than once . Then , he told me that he even texts him . I asked how often he texts his step - dad and he says about once a day . To which I responded , " There 's just a slight problem with that , your Dad doesn 't have texting on that line . No wonder my phone bill has been so high . . . : ) " I 'm a list maker . I always have been . I save all my tablets of lists from over the years so that my grandchildren could read about all the mundane things a person did , back in the old days . When my family was young , I made lists for shopping , homework and chores . When my hubby had his trucking company , I made lists of repairs and maintenance , lists for taxes . I think my hubby liked this in me . I made the lists so he didn 't have to . If there was something he was forgetting , he could always look at my list - or the ' honey do ' list that I made for him : ) When my hubby was diagnosed with Pulmonary Fibrosis , my list making really went into action . This is where my expertise kicked into gear . I made lists for medication , bathing , food , topics to bring up to the doctor . Lot 's of stuff to list ! When my hubby was on hospice , I made more lists having to do with the end of his life . Some where things I knew that I would need to do , other lists I took dictation from him . Call so - and - so . This is what I want for you and the children , ect . . . I started doing this a long time ago , because I had trouble sleeping . I would toss and turn and think of the things that I thought needed to be done . I realized that writing things down eased these feelings and would help me sleep better . I also felt that it was my way of taking care of others . To know what was expected of me and what needed to be done . After my hubby passed away , I made a list of 5 small things that were actually huge . They were some of the biggest things , I knew in my heart I needed to do . Some of the items had to do with finances , others had to do with the children , another healing . This list , for once , I didn 't write down . It stayed in my head and I tossed and turned many - a - night . These were such large things to me , that one could simply give up due to the overwhelming feeling and sometimes I really wanted to . The things on the list were also connected to my life with my darling husband . A way to make him proud of me , if that is possible . So , I couldn 't walk away from this list . Today , I completed that list . I should feel proud and in some ways I do . I actually think the list has got me through this last year . It gave me a reason to go on . Now , I have finished it . I climbed a big hill and now am sitting on top of it , feeling not proud , but sad . I never thought of what I would do after climbing the big hill . I guess I will sit here and ponder it for a while . Posted by Every year , on the day after Thanksgiving , my hubby would climb into the rafters to pull down all our boxes of Christmas decorations . This year it was two days after Thanksgiving that I climbed into the attic to fetch the boxes . " Not bad . " I thought to myself , somewhat proud that it was only a day off from what was our annual tradition . One by one , I pulled down the boxes which were labelled with permanent marker in my husbands handwriting , " Christmas " . Once all the boxes were brought down , I realized that I didn 't need the smaller white tree that I had set up in our bedroom the previous year . I had the tree in our room , so that my husband could experience Christmas from the bed . The thought of having the tree in the room reminded me of all the nights , that we said ' goodnight ' to each other and I would roll over and stare at the lights of the tree with silent tears rolling down my face . I mentioned to my youngest that maybe they could put the small tree elsewhere in the house , and he said , " No , Mom , that tree goes in your room . " " Yes , it is Mom " , He argued , " It 's our new tradition . " " Okay , sounds good . We will put the little tree in my room . " Looking through more of the boxes , " Oh , look ! Your Choo - Choo train ! " I exclaimed . This was the train that we set up around the main tree ever since my little - one was 4 years old . Every year the sound of " All aboard ! " and the train 's whistle filled the house . " Oh , I don 't think we need to set that up this year , Mom . " My child says . " Yeah , let 's just keep it simple . " He replied . " Alrighty . " Then , I open the big box . The one with the big , white tree that goes in our main room . I am so excited . I love how the tree glows , so bright and pretty . I begin to pull the tree out of the box when I see that large portions of it had become discolored and yellow . All these years , we have stored the tree in the same manner , and it has always remained pristine . Why now ? I wonder to myself . I tell myself that it has a sweet , aged appearance , it 's like an antique effect . I proceed to set up the tree . As I arrange each branch negative thoughts begin in my head . . . . " Why bother ? You know you feel sad . Nothing will ever be the same without him here , not even the tree . The glorious tree . It 's all gone now . Who even cares ? " My thoughts run away with me as I put each ornament on the tree . " Do it for the kids . But , where are they now ? Oh , yeah , playing video games , while Mom decorates the tree all by herself . Well , you better get used to it , after they leave you will really be alone probably too achy to get up into the rafters at all ! Then what are you gonna do ? Your a real piece of work thinking like this . Isn 't this suppose to be about the wonderful gift of Christmas ? So much for that ! " Finally , I plugged it in and all the lights twinkled and it glowed again . The next morning , I walked by the tree . Only noticing the yellow stains . This doesn 't look antique at all . It looks horrible . Maybe I should just go buy another tree . But , I don 't want to . This was ' our ' tree . Here come those thoughts again . . . . " The tree doesn 't look bad with its lights on . Whenever visitors come , just turn on the lights . You should be happy , you should be grateful . Stop being so superficial . It 's just a white tree with enormous yellow stains . But , I don 't like it . What are you going to do , be bothered by it all season ? Do something if you don 't like it . I miss my hubby . " Then it came to me . One - by - one I took each decoration off of the tree . I ran down into the garage , my feet cold on the bare floor , searching through my husband 's shelves of this and that . Until I found it ! A can of red spray paint . Shaking the can and hearing the ball bearing rattle against the edges , I thought , " Oh yeah ! I 'm gonna do it . ' " If he was here , he would not like this at all . Maybe you should test the wind direction . You 're probably going to get paint on the deck . " I began to spray and immediately the tree started to look better to me . I kept going , like a frantic artist on a masterpiece , like a street graffiti artist tagging in the subway . It felt good , really good . I could almost feel my hubby saying , " You go girl ! Do what you gotta do ! " Not sure how many people can say they spray painted the Christmas tree . In the end , not one drop got on the deck . I walk by the tree now and think it looks " different " which is fine with me . Maybe next year I will get a new tree , or just buy a can of gold spray paint . . . Good , bad , or ugly , I realize that I was marking the moment of new traditions yet to come . For my husband , he was diagnosed just a little over a year ago and during this time last year , he was able to rake the leaves on the lawn and was still embarrassed about using his oxygen in stores or public places . He was on 2 liters of oxygen back then . At that time , he was the first one up in the morning to bring me my coffee and throughout the day created his own schedule of getting cleaned up for the day as well as helping out with dishes or watering plants on the balcony . Slowly , the level of oxygen he needed increased . He would sleep on 4 liters and go up to five , while awake . Then , about a month ago his SAT 's seemed a bit lower and we had to go to 8 liters during the day and 6 at night . Pretty soon , anything that had to do with movement took great effort from him . Such as washing his own hair . So , I pitched in to help him with this . About two weeks ago , he needed a bit of assistance getting to the bathroom . Someone to hold his arm as he walked there . As of last week , at 100 pounds , my husband was carried to the bathroom for his last " real " bath and since then , he cannot leave the bed . What is it like to be in end stage Pulmonary Fibrosis ? At this time , he is on 12 liters of oxygen at rest . Things like sitting up or moving his arms cause his SAT 's to drop down into the 50 's . It takes additional oxygen through the mouth to get them to slowly climb back up . He no longer craves big , juicy steaks and now sticks with small portions of nourishment that are bland and easy to digest . Eating also causes his oxygen to drop . Water or Pedialite must be dropped into his mouth with a straw as sometimes , he cannot hold the cup . He is given Morphine , orally , to help with the oxygen craving . This helps him to sleep and forget that he has to work so hard to breath . This will become our primary course of action to assist him as he progresses even further . We have a schedule . Periods in - between his personal care and rest , when he enjoys spending time with family . He is all there , mentally . He responds well and knows exactly what is going on although he does forget which day of the week it is . When I squeeze his hand three times for . . . I Love You . . . . He always squeezes back three times . Even when he is asleep . Every morning when he awakes he is always thankful for another day , which amazes me . . . his desire to live . For us , that is what it is like to be in end - stage Pulmonary Fibrosis . xoxo Posted by In the years I have been with my husband , one thing became very obvious . He was a meticulous man . From his bathroom shelves , to his closet , everything had its place . He wanted things done right . He long told the children that it would always save them time to do things right - the first time - and if not , they would end up having to do the job all over again . I always liked this idea , at least the part that pertained to the kids . But , me myself , am not always so meticulous . My home may seem clean , as long as you don 't open any closets or look in any drawers ! Many times , this theory of being meticulous was something that I had to work towards and as I did , I realized that it is just a matter of slowing down . I noticed that my husband took enjoyment from what most would perceive as small taks . Not being in such a rush to get a task over with , and to give the task full attention . Still , because of my husband 's skill of being meticulous , there were just some things he was better at . I remember one time , I wanted a small button sewn onto a silk robe , so the robe would stay closed . I decided to hurriedly sew on the button . When I did , it looked as if the button had been tied onto the pretty robe in a messy knot . The button hung there loosely and within a few minutes , had already fallen off . " I can 't do this . " I told my husband while handing him the robe . " No problem . " He said , taking the garment . He then sewed the button on for me . It looked and fit perfect . From then on , he became the Official Button Sewer and Hemmer in the family . Same goes for any present wrapping . My presents look as though I wrapped them with my eyes closed , while standing on one foot . His , on the other hand , looked as though they came , pre - wrapped from Macy 's . So , on every birthday or Christmas , it became his job to do all the present wrapping . He was the Official Present Wrapper . The only thing my hubby asked for , in return , was big kisses ! Easy ! Halloween became his task as well . During his off hours from work , he spent weeks in advance working on the children 's costumes . He made some fantastic outfits for the children . He created cowboy outfits , biker outfits , head - on - a - platter outfits . All , very meticulously thought out , down to the smallest detail . My hubby became so involved in this part of his duties , that in advance he would arrange for time away from work , so that he could go to the children 's school and help them complete their costume for the school 's Halloween parade . The only thing my hubby asked for in return , was a picture of him with our kids . And , of course , a kiss from me . My hubby always took the children trick - or - treating . He would load them into the back of our 4 - Runner , and put the back - hatch down . He would drive a few blocks and let the children jump out and run to the houses . Then , back into the truck they jumped , onward to the next few houses . They stayed out there doing this for hours . At the end of the night , all would have runny noses and red cheeks from the cold and wind . When they arrived home , they would find the house glowing with candles and lights , the smell of chili and cinnamon rolls . They would dump their pillow cases , filled with candy , onto the kitchen floor . Where my hubby would sort through and inspect each one for them . The only thing my hubby asked for in return , was two pieces of candy from each child , and a kiss from me . A couple weeks ago , our youngest child and I were walking through the store , looking at all the Halloween costumes . I asked him what he wanted to be and he shrugged . I shrugged , too . We were both clueless as to where to begin . It 's three days before Halloween and we still do not know yet . For now we are just going to wing it . They sure do miss him , and I miss those kisses . I dip the razor into the coffee cup filled with water , still hesitant , I ask him if I should trim it with scissors first . He shakes his head ' No ' . He curls his top lip tightly down and tilts his chin up towards me . " Well , I don 't want to cut you . " My eyes shade over in a misty way , the way they do when tears are about to come . He then changes his lips into an exaggerated kiss pout . It looks funny with all the soap . I lean forward and plant a big one on him , soap and all . He , then goes back into the shaving position . I take a deep breath and firmly press the razor against his mustache and draw downward . Making small motions and taking more of his mustache off . Dipping the razor back into the coffee cup , I walk to the bathroom for a change of water . Pouring the cup into the sink , I watch the remains of carmel - colored hair slip down the drain . " Oh , C ' mon , you know you have been wanting this for a long time . " He teases . His mustache had long been a source of teasing between us and there were moments that I really , really , did want to shave that thing off . He had his mustache when I met him and it was nice and trim and grew down the sides of his mouth and stopped at his chin . A few years into our marriage , apparently he decided ( without me ) that he wanted a full Sam Elliot type mustache . The kind that grew all in one length and would cover his entire front lip . I would make jokes , like - When it gets long enough are you gonna braid it ? I would complain that in order to go in for a kiss I had to go ' under and up ' just to find his lips . When he drank his chocolate milk the whole front of his mustache would become soaked and separate into two dripping points and I would say , " Ummmmm , you have a little something on your lip . " There were times I suggested he get some wax and twist his mustache upward . It went on and on . Every year , on my birthday , he would walk out of the bathroom cleanly shaven and the sight would nearly cause me to faint from shock ! It was kind of like his birthday present to me . I actually loved when he did that because he had the faintest scar on the right corner of his upper lip . I found it so sexy . The rest of the time , the mustache was there to stay . As I leaned across him , removing more , I knew he was right . The mustache was getting in the way now . Especially since he had to wear a cannula for his Oxygen . We both knew we would never see him again with that mustache and we also knew that from here on - I would be the one to shave him . " Well , Honey , I never really meant all that and now I wish we could keep it . " While making the last stroke , revealing that little scar I liked so much . One day I was simultaneously talking to my mom while streaking bleach through my hair , giving myself highlights . She was on a speaker phone and was asking if I had read that book about Astrological love signs my sister had given me to read . I giggled and told her that I had and it said the sign that would be most compatible with me , a Scorpio , was a Cancer . It was all tongue and cheek as I really wasn 't looking for anyone . But my mom , being a mom , of course pressed . Knowing her daughter was still a young lady coming out of her first marriage with much to still offer , she asked me what qualities I was looking for in a mate ? This was an interesting question , because in my first marriage , I really hadn 't considered that . So , in light - hearted fashion , I began rattling out a list of my dream guy . " Of course , he should be kind and good with children . Patient with me . I would like to meet someone that was good with his hands . That liked to fix things around the house . He should be good with tools so that we could work on weekend projects together . He would have a rugged exterior , and rough hands , yet , was a big teddy bear inside " I gleefully told her , happy to have nailed down the qualities of a person I would like to spend time with . " Do you think that is too much to ask for , Mom ? " I asked . She laughed and said , " No , not at all honey " . Later , after my shower , towel wrapped around my head , I poured myself a cup of coffee and looked out of the back window to check on the kids . Some of the neighborhood children , along with my oldest were playing as sword fighters with sticks in the backyard . My little one , was on my hip . I walked with him into the living room and stooped down to play some music on the stereo . On of my favorite things to do at home on Sunday 's was dance with my baby . We swirled and danced , until out of my front window , something caught my eye . I put Scott down and peeped outside . I couldn 't remember his name , but noticed he was in front of my neighbors house , polishing his truck . He seemed to be in his own little world , focusing on every tiny detail of the baby - blue 1988 Toyota 4 - Runner . I thought , he must take really good care of that old truck as it still looked brand new . I picked up my baby and to his great delight , we swirled around and danced to the music once more . In my old Ford Bronco , we headed up the freeway through the Wasatch Mountains . Destination , Strawberry Reservoir . The views are stunning . I glance over at Jade . She 's sitting next to me on the bucket seat and is looking out the window . Behind her passes a stream of Quaking Aspen and Pine . The blue sky is etched by the towering mountains that have craggy stone faces of grey with peaks still covered in snow . Looking down at us ; as they seem grow taller the closer we get . All surrounded by bright green fields of the season 's new grass and sprinkled with bursts of white , red and purple wildflowers . Jade looks at everything going by as though she does not want to miss a thing . She is only about two years old although she has been on enough of these trips with me to know what to expect . We will wind up the open highway onto a dirt trail that climbs even further into the mountains , until we see old remnants of tire marks veering off the dirt trail into an oblivion of trees . We will pull off there and that is where , I will set up our camp . Since we are only staying one night , we will make a comfy bed in the back of the Bronco . But first , once we have staked out our campsite , we drive back down a bit on the dirt road and turn to see a beautiful view of Strawberry . There we pull up to the reservoir and look around to see a few other cars there , usually other fishermen , getting their gear in order . I will pull out my float tube . Then I will try to find a inconspicuous way to squeeze myself like a sausage into my waders . Get my boots and flippers on , I will try not to stumble as I get the float tube around my waste , grab my fly rod and walk backwards into the water . Once I am eased into the water , I will use the flippers on my feet to paddle out into the center of the reservoir , grab my fly - rod and make my first cast out into the water . That is when I take my first , good , deep breath , as all the stress eases from me . That is the moment I really look around at the trees and notice the birds in the sky . That is the moment I fePosted by One day , I had a chance to connect with a part of me that I had not seen in a while . My younger sister , the only relative who lived in the same state as myself , offered to watch the kids over the weekend . I jumped at the chance . Soon it would be time to drop the children off at her apartment in the Avenue 's , a historical and lovely area located in downtown , Salt Lake City . I was still packing for my little jaunt into the mountains . The 1987 Bronco , had the back seats pulled down to accommodate for everything I would need . Which wasn 't much , I was a light packer when it came to camping . Also , I needed to save room for my fly - rod , float - tube , and waders . So , besides a sleeping bag , I mentally went down my checklist . It was only an overnight trip , so I decided to bring a pair of black sweats to go beneath my waders , in addition to what I was currently wearing . Faded blue - jeans , black socks with white tennies , black tank beneath a white T - shirt and a grey sweater tied around my waist . My auburn hair , in a pony tail and tucked into a black baseball hat , and not a stitch of make - up on my face , was fine for me . I 'm not going to a fashion show . If I were lucky enough , I wouldn 't see another soul the whole time . I packed my cooler with a few simple items . A gallon of frozen milk . I always used this technique to help keep other items in the cooler cold . In the morning , I could always drink the part that thawed , eaten with a package of Hostess powdered sugar donuts . I threw in a couple limes . They were going to be perfect to squeeze on the Rainbow Trout I was going to catch for dinner tonight . Sweet Corn in their husk . Tonight , I will throw them on the fire coals for dinner as well . That reminded me . A Duraflame log . I consider this a luxury . I would gather wood and make a pyramid of it in my fire pit , all on top of a chipped piece of Duraflame for easy starting . Back in the day , when I used to camp a lot , the whole log of Duraflame would last me nearly two seasons as a fire starter . Oh , and of course , a gallon of drinking * * * * * * * * The passing of my husband due to Pulmonary Fibrosis has left me walking around this Earth with what feels like a heavy weight , to the very core of my being . Since he has been gone , I still smile , I still dream , I still appreciate the small wonders that unfold within each day , but all while always aware of the weight in the center of my chest . It is hard to describe , even for myself . After much thought , I believe it consists of many memories of ' us ' that pile on top of one another like a heavy quilt , rich in colors and fabric . The quilt is so heavy because I carry it alone and I am not used to this , as this beautiful quilt of memories was something that he and I carried together . From the day I handed Rick a slice of cake at my neighbor 's birthday party , I hadn 't thought about him at all . I never correlated that this person would be someone who impacted my life . I had plenty to worry about on my own . Two small children , 7 and nearly 2 , that I loved dearly . The children 's father and I split , over a year ago . The statistics on marriages that survive a child born with a serious illness are never very good , and ours ended in divorce . My youngest child was born with a heart problem that was serious enough that I was given the option to terminate the pregnancy when it was discovered by medical professionals . But , I couldn 't do it . So , two open heart surgeries later , here we all were , the children and I . I lived in a house that looked similar to all the other houses on my street . I picked this house , not for the house itself , but for the grand , mature trees that lined our street . I loved driving up that street and feeling as though I was under a canopy . My ex felt as though he needed to find himself and lived in a modern apartment across town . At the time , he was just trying to save himself from whatever weighed down his spirit and as a result not much thought had gone into what type of support would be given to the children or myself . I was struggling to get by . None of the day cares would take my youngest , who at the time was on oxygen to help open his pulmonary arteries . The children 's prior Christmas , consisted of used books and stuffed animals from the local thrift store and of course an orange . Strangely , they remember that Christmas to this day . Time had passed and every day a new problem arose with the house . My neighbor used to make fun of me for hammering in wayward nails with a rock that I found in the garden . What was I supposed to do ? The children 's father never had a tool box and now it was up to me to get this nail into the wood . Every night , I cooked the most amazing meals , things I remember my grandmother cooking when I was a child . Of basics that could be found in even the most * * * * I 've often felt so overwhelmed that I thought about " Just Losing It " . So , sometimes I fantasize on the luxuriousness of the idea . . . . Hmmmm . Maybe the first thing I would do is just put on some deep - red lipstick , all crooked and stuff . But , no , that 's not going to work , I only wear pastel lip gloss and if I have to go to the store to buy my supplies of lipstick - then forget about it . Then , I thought , well . . . I could run down my street , naked . First , I have to wonder , where would my running destination be ? Also , I really need to do some crunches before this escapade . Too much work . I do talk to myself , in first person , though . Yes , I answer myself , but that is good , too . Sometimes , I am my own best friend . So , that doesn 't count . How else shall I go just , absolutely , nuts ? I thought about developing a twitch in both my left - side shoulder and eye . That would be a fun one . Especially on public transportation , or at Wal - Mart . But , it takes a whole bunch of physical effort to do so all day , which seems extremely difficult and taxing on the body . I figure , If I have to plan my crazy - ness , then it 's not meant to be . At least , not at the moment . It should be something I don 't have to think about or even realize is occurring , right ? So , I rebel . Big time ! I stay up way later than one should on a work night . Sometimes , I garden without gloves . . . that 's right ! I really get in there with the dirt and my fingernails . For the most part , I tell all of you my real feelings . . . Now , is that nuts or what ? How do you really let it loose ? I really didn 't think it was . To be terminally ill within a period of a year , seemed like a pretty fast course of events in my eyes . After all , it is not as though my husband was immediately incapacitated the moment he was diagnosed with Pulmonary Fibrosis . As a matter of fact , he only went into the doctor 's office thinking he had developed allergies . . . The illness occurred in stages , as well as his acceptance of what was happening . He had always been a very active man . He took care of everything . To everyone who knew him , and even to himself , he was strong . I can tell you , I have never felt so safe and secure with anyone else . Being that he was a bit of a traditional person , this worked out nicely . He was my protector . His physical strength led to the belief that he was emotionally the same way . Dependable and strong . Which was true as well . At least , he worked very hard to be so . I think he tried to give me the best of himself . These things do not immediately change when diagnosed with a disease . The disease itself did not truly begin to reveal itself until a good six - months later . That was when everything he did began to take a great deal of effort . He was gallant in his will to hold onto his strength . But , in stages and degrees , his strength began to slip away from him . Within each degree , he suffered greatly emotionally . It was so hard for him to believe that this was happening . It was hard for me to believe it , too . By October , I knew he had become a different person than he was before . He needed me . He always had needed me , although now he needed me to help him through the rest of his life . I took a leave from work . I didn 't want to do this because it meant he would not have much more time , and how could I possibly accept this ? The logical side of me knew it was time , but my heart denied it all the way . All the way up until the day he passed away , in December . Now , when my heart and mind goes to him , I think about all the things we did in our years together . We are active . Moving . Always moving . Now and then , my mind and heart jumps to the other spectrum - his last days . All the things I blocked out as they were happening , come back so fresh it fills my eyes with tears . Him , carried into the bathtub for his last bath . The few steps he was able to take before resigning himself to bed , for good . I know this is hard to hear . Especially if you are reading this and have Pulmonary Fibrosis . The interesting thing is that it affects each person differently and many have found ways to live a flourishing life and go much further than my hubby and I did . This is hard for me to say , too . But , I have to be honest to my experience . What I am currently struggling with , is how this disease could have changed my husband so quickly ? I was there with him , but still can 't seem to believe what has happened . My heart can 't seem to reconcile the vast differences in memories I have about one person . Dear Babe , I can 't believe that is has been six months since you passed away from Pulmonary Fibrosis . Honestly , I can 't believe that I have survived this long without you . I constantly miss your touch , laughter , comfort . I look for you in all things and everywhere I go . Sometimes , I think I see you in a bird in the garden , a sunset , or the way the light dances across water . Sometimes , I think I feel you in a warm breeze , or a caress across my hair . Sometimes , I think I hear you in words that other people speak , in music and in silence . I still write to you every morning . Small messages , or questions that you only know of . I look for your response throughout the day . You always apologized for your perception of me taking care of you while you were sick . I always told you that this was the easy part , the hard part was going to be living without you . Everyday there is so much difficulties , trials , yet beauty . Life is bittersweet . For moments of loveliness , I wonder why you can 't be here . In moments of hardship , I wonder why you can 't be here . Life , for me was so much easier with you here . You provided the humor and comfort that only a husband can do . Memories that only we can share . Everyday , I look outside the window and think about all of the things that you have given me . Your efforts , of course , so much more apparent after you are gone . You really did try to change my life by simplifying it . By taking me to a place where nature is supreme and it 's beauty is within the land and water . You knew this is what my soul needed and you worked very hard to give that to me . You took me everywhere , so that I may see all of our beautiful country . Showing the the promise that all places contain . Of the mystical , rural , isolated , busy , or wondrous places that we have been , you also showed me that the most blessed place is the place we called - home . I miss sharing that with you . You probably already know this , but with everything I set out to do , I think of you . I wonder if I am doing things the right way . You always did such a good job at anything you set your mind to and you always finished everything you started . Since you have been gone , our oldest graduated high - school . The youngest has been such a help as we navigate through our grief together . He sure misses you ! Oh , I finished the dock . I know you really wanted to get that done . I still planted the garden . As for the river - bank , I have made the choice to let it grow wild , but we still have the path down to the Willow . I guess , you can see that I am just trying my best . I haven 't felt you as frequently as when you first passed away . Sometimes , I wonder if that is because my perception is changing or if you truly are not here as often . I think it might be a combination of both . The other night , before sleep , I was wondering this and realized , that in life , you spend so much of it traveling because you enjoyed the sights and experiences , so why should that be any different for you on the other - side ? But , please do not forget to check in , because I will always need you . I love you with all my heart ! On Memorial Day , my Husband and I would take the long road out to the town 's cemetery and place flowers on his Father 's grave . Somehow , over the years , we made a date of it . We didn 't just buy flowers . We held hands and entered the store , and purchased soil , a living plant and a perfect planter ; in which these flowers would live . Then , on different times , I had the fortunate ( depending on how you looked at it ) honor of placing the arrangement under my coat , while holding on to my Hubby 's waist as we took the ' 72 Harley Sportster out , as our primary mode of transportation . I loved placing flowers on his Dad 's grave . Sometimes , when the weather wasn 't quite right ( or later in my marriage - when I knew better ) we took the pick - up . The year , 2010 was like that . We took the pick - up truck . Afterwards , he said to me as he did every year , " Do you want to go for a little ride ? " I nodded , yes , and always welcomed this moment . It was time we would drive around and look at old , country - farm houses and play the game , would you live there ? " Yes ! I would live there . " The fields just turning to a beautiful green . . . . In the same year about 5 months later , my husband was diagnosed with his illness . But at that time we just talked in the car without a care in the world about things that sometimes , couples do . . . " I would not want to be buried . Would you ? " " No " , He said , " I want to be cremated . " So , it went on from there . Discussing all of the things that we so wished . Not in a very practical manner . I remember him saying that he wanted his ashes spread everywhere . He was a truck driver and knew how he felt , keep in mind . . . But , still , he had a wide range of area from Texas to Hershey , PA . I remember kidding him and saying , " Thanks a lot . You sure don 't want to make that easy on me . . . " and he said , " Nawwwwww . Just sprinkle me off of any , old bridge " . I can 't help but remember that . Who would have known that within Fall of the same year he would be diagnosed with a terminal illness ? Also , I think about why couldn 't he have simpler plans , like myself . Just sprinkle me into the water off of the Santa Cruz Pier ? The other night I had a dream about being in my Husband 's truck . This was one of my most favorite places to be . He was a long - haul truck driver and together we have had many adventures on the road . I have always loved the promise of beginning a new trip and everything that the road ahead held for us . I am backing the truck into a parking spot , when , in my dream I suddenly had a feeling of falling . From a distance , I could see myself in the truck and it is precariously perched on the tiniest tip of a very tall and steep mountain . The whole trailer of the truck is hanging off of the mountain . I am in the truck and trying with all my might to keep the truck on the top of that hill . But , gravity gives way and soon the truck and I are falling backwards . The next thing I know , my son and I step out of the truck into a sunny and sandy location . It is a little town . We step into a house which is simple , bright and clean . It is pretty there . I , then , looked at my son and said , " This isn 't so bad . Let 's make the best of it . " That is all I remember of my dream . I wonder if it is subconsciously how I feel after losing my husband to Pulmonary Fibrosis . Trying to hold on and work so hard to save the things that my Hubby and I built together . Our house , family , dreams . Sometimes feeling as though no matter how hard I work for these things , there is a sense of falling backwards . I also wonder what would happen if I just let that occur . Would I find myself in a spot that I would say , " This isn 't so bad . Let 's make the best of it ? " When our family learned that my 49 year old husband had Pulmonary Fibrosis , we didn 't even know what it was or what it meant . Since his diagnosis , we have learned that it is a serious and progressive disease which consists of the scarring of the lungs . There is no definitive cause and no definitive cure . It took my husband 's life and the lives of countless friends that were made through learning about the disease . This blog is meant to journal our personal experience and to help raise awareness about Pulmonary Fibrosis . For Translation * Well , Honey , here we are at the 5 year mark since you passed away . It is just you , me , and time here to commemorate this occasion . Not sure what to do . . . |
Wow . I was thinking about how crazy this year has been , and I remembered about that dream I had where a dark storm was coming . I looked at the date , and the date was before all the crazy stuff started this year . There was a dark storm coming , and it has been hard . Trials and hardships come now and again , but it seems like so much has happened in just a few months . And that third item is still an issue , and will most likely continue to be for some time . Yesterday I went with some other people from my ward to help people out . We helped move some stuff out of a family 's crawl space - type basement that had flooded . There were also a lot of people helping out on one street where a ton of mud had piled up , They were shoveling the mud and removing things from people 's homes . Though maybe a bit selfish , I went to the Denver Gem and Mineral Show after that to look at some cool rocks , and buy a few for my collection ( the really cheap stuff , not the awesome ones that were priced at several thousand dollars ) . The rain started to come down really hard there , making some really big puddles in the road . I was worried about my car getting stuck , but I got home safely . So about my basement flooding : the day started off hopeful , planning on going out to eat with other people from my Singles Ward before going to the temple , in hopes to socialize . Of course I ended up just sitting there not actually talking to anyone . Everyone then left for the temple , leaving me behind as I scarfed down my food that had finally been served . Once I got to the temple , they told me the 8 : 15 session , which was the Singles session with chapel meeting , was full , which ended my chance of socializing that day . I came away from the endowment session feeling well though . When I got home , I noticed that there was an awful , damp , mildew - y smell . I looked in the basement and found the rugs and boxes wet . There was no standing water , and it was less than an inch high judging by the damage , but still , it was a pain . And the house still smells , although I don 't seem to notice it right now with the scented candles burning . But of course I had to make the day even harder . As I went to throw some empty cardboard boxes that were wet into the garage , the door closed behind me , and locked myself outside . Eventually I decided the only way in was through a window , so I tore apart a screen ( couldn 't pop it off ) only to find that window locked . I popped off a screen on another window , but that was locked too . After tearing the screen on a third window I finally managed to climb inside . It 's about 10 : 40 at night right now , there are things I still need to do but I can 't help but think about dating and such . If this post sounds like pointless ramblings it 's probably because it is . I 'm trying an experiment here : See if I can better understand my thoughts and feelings by putting them into words . This post will probably be more personal than others , but who cares ? Hardly anyone reads this blog . Today in Church ( A singles ward ) the high school graduates were invited to come as they were now of age to be in the ward . In sacrament meeting I realized that these graduating high school girls are ten years younger than me . I can 't picture myself going on a date with someone that much younger . In addition to this , it seems like half the women in the ward are going on missions . Don 't get me wrong , I 'm thrilled to see so many women serve missions , it 's just that all of this . . . makes me feel that I have fewer chances of finding a future wife . An hour ago I found and read a bit on a blog about an anxious white virgin , which has not helped me find answers but more frustration of my situation . But what does it matter , anyways ? It 's not like I go on dates . In my entire life I have gone on a total of two dates : The first because my brother twisted my arm , and the second because it was a ward activity where the who and where was all planned out . For the past week or so , though , I 've had the desire to go on a date ( This itself is rare ) . Like , just going out with someone and grabbing ice cream or going somewhere fun . But that leads me to my next question , the one I have not been able to answer for the past 6 years : How does a loner get a date ? I thought it was kinda cool when I discovered a while back that there 's a Wikipedia article that describes me very well . I am very much a loner . I rarely ever hang out with people . While I may have several " Facebook friends , " none of them are people I would just call up and talk to , minus family . I have no problem spending my weekends alone . In fact there are times I just want to say " [ Inappropriate word here ] you , world ! I don 't need you ! " I don 't do well in groups of people ( Which , unfortunately , are what all ward activities are ) ; I usually end up wandering around like a lost child . This does not , however , mean that I 'm not lonely . When I went to Arizona I got my own apartment , because I thought I would love being alone in my own place . Turned out I was wrong . My Mom and siblings helped me move in , and as soon as they left , I found myself in horrible , painful loneliness . Thankfully I have since left that dark time and now live with my Grandpa and Aunt . I rarely actually talk to them , but the fact that there are people in the house I can go to if needed is comforting . While I am unable to socialize in a large group , I am however capable of having a pleasant conversation with someone one - on - one , in the rare occasions that they occur . I do enjoy them , but I have difficulty making them happen . And while I am by no means a social butterfly ( Like my brother Jared , who I admit I 'm jealous of ) , I love to talk to family , and I think I would love to have my own . So I come back to my previous question : How does a loner get a date ? Before my mission I spent my time avoiding social interactions at all cost . Now I have to , through my own volition , start conversations with people . And somehow I have to ask a person on a date . But how ? So far the only advice I 've been given is " Just keep practicing . " I ' VE BEEN " PRACTICING " FOR SIX YEARS AND I AM NO CLOSER THAN WHEN I STARTED ! ! ! HOW MUCH " PRACTICE " DO I NEED ? ! ? ! Sorry about that , I 'm just . . . frustrated . Maybe these social skills come naturally for some people . So natural , in fact , that they are unable to describe how they do it . I mean , ask someone on a date ? Who ? When ? How ? I don 't know if I look socially awkward , but I definitely feel like I am ! There was one time I actually had a golden opportunity to ask someone on a date , and I ended up spending something like half an hour freaking out over it before I actually made the call ( She said no , by the way ) . I want to go on dates , I want to have a wife , I just . . . don 't know what to do about it . It 's been six years since I 've started trying to obtain these lofty goals , and I 'm no closer to obtaining them than when I started . The only thing I 've got is to keep hoping in my Heavenly Father . 1 . There was a new Starfox game for the SNES . I sat down and played it at some sort of doctor 's waiting room full of toys . The level that I can remember was that we were trying to get to a planet , but the enemy had surrounded it with those moving blocks in space . Except some of these blocks were yellow wireframes piloted by Geno , the guy from Super Mario RPG . At first the blocks moved into shapes that said stuff like " Keep Out , " " Warning , " and " Turn Back . " Once you ignored them and continued towards the planet , then a bunch of them got in your way to destroy your ship . There was one part where a tunnel of them closed in on you , and several times I couldn 't get out fast enough before they crushed me . 2 . I was at some sort of ward dance , but since I didn 't want to dance I went into the dark , empty cultural hall to do stuff on my laptop . Except I wasn 't alone , there were several others there with laptops . 1 . I was in some woman 's kitchen ( Maybe she was a space pirate and I was in a spaceship . Not sure ) having dinner , but kitchen was ridiculously small . It was as big as a small , unfolding card table , and all four sides of the kitchen were counters ( I have no idea how we even got in there as there were no doors ) . I bit into the dinner , which turned out to be a whole raw chicken . I offered to cook it for her , but first I had to clear the massive pile of dirty dishes off of the counter , including the pan that had a partially eaten whole chicken in it , with only the outside cooked . 2 . I was playing video games with someone . I don 't think I ever looked at her . It was a dot on the screen , and you had to move it around to collect 100 other dots ( Or were they Sonic rings ? ) on the screen within one minute . The interesting thing was that it was controlled by an SNES controller , but used as a motion controller . She handed me the controller to try a level . I did all right but I didn 't get all of them . After that level ended it became Kirby Super Star and I handed the controller back to her . My sister Rachel then came to me and asked if she could put her wet bathing suit on the chair . I told her no and to put it in the washing machine . As the female was playing the Kirby game , the music that was playing was " Bound for the Promised Land , " and I mentioned how it was in the top five of my most listened songs . It was a long dream , but the farthest back I can remember was that I was with a bunch of guys , all probably in their twenties , playing football . Actually I don 't think we were actually playing football , but standing around . I think there were two groups , I was with a small one , and we were with a larger group . One of the guys from my group was wearing a shirt that said Brigham Young University , but when he noticed that , he took his shirt off , flipped it inside out , and put it back back on . " Whew ! Don 't want them to know I 'm from BYU ! " I think we were there in secret , and we would be in big trouble if we were discovered . Later the football was then stolen by someone who drove away , and everyone got on their bicycles to chase after him . The car was going slow enough , or the cyclists were going fast enough , to go at the same speed . They chased him all day , even though they had been awake for a while . The night came and they still chased him . It became so dark that the cyclists or driver couldn 't see each other , but somehow they followed him . They decided to keep quiet at night , and thus they did the whole night . When morning came they still chased him , and now they were going through a really rich neighborhood . They zoomed down the streets and through alleys , but one of them , a black guy , suddenly stopped at a gutter drain , the kind with the large hole in the side of the curb . He reached his hand in there trying to grab something , then pulled out a cat . He thought he was helping the cat , even though cat fought back . I think he was going to take the cat to a nearby house , thinking they would be the owners , but I 'm not sure as he was soon gone . I was now alone in this neighborhood , so I slowly rode my bike out of it . I went past several huge swimming pools , fountains , palm trees , and homes . When I got out I tried asking random people I came across if they saw a large group of bicyclists come by moving pretty fast , but no one saw them . I biked up a hill on a sidewalk , with the road to my right and a chain - link fence to my left blocking off an empty , grassy field . It was a steep hill , so I was breathing heavily and grunting as I biked past people walking by . I must have doubled back somewhere because I think I went up this hill twice . At some point my front wheel and handlebars were stolen . There was a girl who had some extra bike parts attached to her bike , so I chased how down . I felt bad though that I had to confront her because she was my friend . Because she was my friend she stopped to show that the parts weren 't mine . She and her family then biked on . I went to a bike rack with a bunch of bikes locked up there to see if my parts were there . The girl I stopped earlier , and her brother , came to help . I asked them to check all the bicycles to see if my parts were locked up with any of them . I climbed and walked on top of the bicycles and the red , brick walls that the bikes were locked up against . Somehow this then transitioned into us looking in my bedroom , which was more like a loft in a barn . We didn 't find it . I was once again serving a mission in Kansas . My mission companion was trying to decide whether to go home or commit suicide . We lived with a few other missionaries , one of them being a very tall black man . A man knocked on our door and asked for his son , to which the tall missionary placed the man 's son on my back ; apparently they were baby - sitting him . I asked the missionaries when p - day was because they changed it before I left , and they said we can take p - day whenever we want , within reason . 2 . I was walking in a cave with someone and walked by someone laying down . I gave him a paper and asked if he could read it , to which he said , " Sure , I 'd love to read this , but if you haven 't noticed I ' M BEING CRUSHED BY A BOULDER HERE ! " The man was pinned between the cave floor and a rock the same size as him . I then activated the Intersect and grabbed some brown , gold , and red - colored rocks and started throwing them at the man I was walking with , who then grabbed them and threw them into a pile that was down a slope beyond the man under the boulder . There was now another man who I also threw rocks to . Occasionally when I tried throwing a rock at the man I was with , my hand suddenly moved on its own to throw it to the other man . Occasionally the other man would throw a rock at the boulder that was pinning the man , to which I then came to him and said " No , that 's not going to help him . " There were then a whole bunch of people and we were all grabbing rocks and throwing them into the pile , which has become quite large . When I decided to stop , everyone decided to have one more go and we took a bunch of the rocks from the pile and carried them back up the slope , putting them into some sort of machine that then ground the rocks into different resources . When we decided to stop , everyone was happy and said that it was fun . 1 . I was in my car , but the car was being driven by my former mission companion Elder Steele . We were driving up steep hills in the mountains and he was driving kind of fast so I told him to slow down . We ended up in some small town and Steele got out or something because I was left to myself . I then had to find a way out even though I had no idea where I was . 2 . I was alone on a small asteroid floating through space . There was a nearby asteroid so I threw a fake person at it , but the fake person 's body violently decompressed in space , then went through the other asteroid as if it were just a hologram . Suddenly there 's another person there with me and we go to the side of the asteroid to show me a giant book that I never realized was there . The book mentioned an entrance into the ship , so we went to the bottom of the asteroid to find a door into the spaceship that was lodged in the asteroid . We got in , and then suddenly a bunch of people got in as well . Some electricity sparked and the other man said " Don 't you think there 's too many people in here ? " Some got out , and then we launched the ship out of the asteroid . Then I 'm a fairy or something holding on to a car with a stick while someone tries to drive the car in all the ice . The Earth is a wasteland but there 's still plenty of people living on it . Once the car spun on the ice and I tried to stop the car before it crashed into another one . I pulled the car back , but then the other car went nuts and tried crashing into everything . We made it to a town that one person lived in . Ang mentioned he wanted to go find his home and his pet Momo . Some of the town 's people thought bending was a myth , but one of Ang 's friends said something to the effect of " With Ang 's help my gang doubled in size . When some crazy monk comes and does stuff , you believe him . " One of the guys gave me a key to their home for me to stay at as well as a phone . I moved in and sat in the dark , lonely home watching TV . I kept checking the phone hoping that someone was going to call me . Once some raiding gang came by from behind the house , destroying things with their cars and taking stuff . One person said , " Hey , there 's someone in that house . Let 's teach her a lesson ! " I prayed they wouldn 't come in , and they never did . There was then a knock on the door : He wanted in even though I locked the door . He then said " This is crazy , I 'm calling Mike . " and started calling someone . I let him in and the man said " This is my home , get out . " " But . . . I 've got nowhere to go . " " Oh , boo hoo ! Everyone has it rough , now get it out ! " 1 . I was in some sort of competition with two other boys , where we had to build something big that had something to do with space . We met in a huge , expensive , beautiful mansion full of different gardens . Everyone came dressed up , but I didn 't know we had to so I came in my pajamas . There were lots of people there , and some people stood up to sit on the stands , including my father who was something like royalty . I could have come up , but my father was too ashamed of me to invite me up . 2 . I was a computer programmer who came to help out with something . There was a large room with a bunch of robots on the ceiling working with the several control panels . The owner got a new robot that could control everything so they didn 't need so many robots . They brought in the new robot , and all the other robots dropped to the ground like they were in pain , but then calmly stood up . All of the robots had one of their eyes turned red , showing that they were being controlled by the new robot . Once they left , the robot tried taking over my mind because I had cybernetic parts in my brain . I shouted at the robot to get out of my head . For some reason at this time a bunch of crystals were coming out of my body , like I was turning into a giant crystal . 1 . I was meeting my friend in a large empty parking lot , but his family got their first . He parents were whipping and beating him but for some reason leaving me alone . I figured it would be best if I left and called the cops , but his parents instead called the cops on me . I drove my car to keep them from escaping , but they got away and the police came after me . 2 . Shawn and Gus went to take part in a dog fighting competition . Gus came and joined a team , but Shawn was late and denied access . Now being Shawn , I disguised myself as a frog and went to the manager to to get into the competition . The manager was some sort of short , frog - like creature , and he wasn 't buying my disguise . He then decided to go with it and show me how to walk like a frog : Full of pomp and smug . He then went into his office and came out with a leash , which was some sort of purple , misty glob but was solid when pulled on . He then walked towards a big , mean looking dog , and then picked up the little puppy behind it . The frog man got the best of me . For those of you who do not know what the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter - day Saint 's temples are , I first direct you to here . Good ? Okay , let 's move on . I 'm far from perfect at this , though . In fact , I 'm ashamed to say that many times I 've been in an endowment session where I wish it would hurry up and end so I can go home ( While most ordinances can be completed in a minute , the endowment takes something like an hour ) . Granted , since coming straight from work I 'm tired and hungry by this point , but that 's not an excuse . However , without fail , every time I enter the Celestial room , all those cares are gone . I feel complete peace and calmness . Not the cry - at - the - podium - during - testimony - meeting kind of feeling , but a simple , complete peace . A peace that I can 't find anywhere else . While I may have wanted to go home and rest just a few minutes ago , in the Celestial room I don 't want to leave . I don 't want to leave behind that peace and go back to the world . Like the name implies , the Celestial room is a representation of the Celestial Kingdom , the place wherein Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ resides . In other words : Heaven . Except it 's more than just a representation . The Temples are built and dedicated as Houses of the Lord , and thus it is the closest you can get to Heaven on this Earth . I was a young boy traveling with his mother . I think we were Muslim in a third - world country . There was a muddy area we stopped to pray around a bunch of other people . My mom sat up earlier than I thought she should from praying , but she said " These aren 't the men that hurt us . " I was later at a hospital or something , my mom elsewhere . A card with an abstract painting of a mother was slid under the door , and I took off running fearing it was a bomb ; it was . I assumed my mom was dead . I came to an area that a bunch of people were abandoning . There was a woman wearing a mask around her mouth , like sick people do . She was leaving her apartment , so I stayed there and hid myself under a pile of laundry . Later a stray dog walked by , and said something to me . I got up , too weak to barely stand , and only telling the dog I need water . We went to the refrigerator , but then hid myself when I heard people arguing loudly outside the apartment door , the talking dog hiding with me . 1 . It was the characters from the show Chuck , and they found a serum version of the Intersect that was copied from someone . They asked if it was based off of Chuck , or Sarah , or Jasmine ( Princess Jasmine ? ) . The serum was labled " C . " 2 . An alien , who looked like an older , balding Asian dude , invaded Earth . He was doing bad things , but he politely asked me several questions about the church . I can 't remember now what questions he asked me or what my answers were , but I think I gave really good answers . It was like I was at work , but not . The people weren 't anyone I know and the office looked a bit different . There were also several large windows that allowed us to see outside more . I think we might have been even higher up than the 8th floor because we could see a lot of the area around us . It wasn 't Denver , either , but some sort of coastal city . There are words that are used in the world of computer programming that , in a different context , have different meanings . As such , I 've thought of how a programmer could have a discussion over the phone around strangers , like at a bus stop , and how that conversation would have the strangers thinking very different things . This would be best as a candid video , so if anyone wants to make it , feel free ! " Well just kill them then . Yeah , kill them all . The new batch of slaves should work for at least a few hours . That 's plenty of time for the client to see things working . " There was a yellow , blobby man - like thing walking in a multi - level parking lot , while a demon - like , ethereal entity followed him . The demon would appear and disappear , be static - y like a TV , and try to break itself from its dimension ( Like the face that appears here and there in the last level of Psychonauts ) . It had the atmosphere of a horror film ( For some reason Dead Space comes to mind , even though I 've never played it ) , but again it wasn 't scary . The man walked on , never realizing the demon was following him , trying to get him . The blobby man got to his car , then squuezed his hand to pop out a finger like you would with a balloon . He opened the car door and the dream ended . 1 . I was at a cabin at Bea lake . Not Bear , Bea ; though we pronounced it Bear . Can 't remember the rest . There was also the next dream , but I think this one transitioned into it somehow . 2 . For some reason a bunch of chocolate companies were giving us their chocolate and money . There was an M & M 's crunchy chocolate bar and a Dr . Pepper chocolate ice cream bar . We covered an electrical outlet with chocolate , which was in our warehouse that we used to store the chocolate . We hired a lawyer to help us start up a buisness , but he didn 't like the idea of a bunch of companies giving us money . One of the guys ( There were two other people with me ; didn 't know any of them ) mentioned about already loosing two lawyers , and the other told him " Shh ! Don 't tell him that ! " . The lawyer asked where the money was and we said it 's safe back at the warehouse . We went to the warehouse , all the while I figured it was being stolen but I didn 't care . We opened the door to the small box , and found it missing . A truck drove off and they chased after it . I went up the hill to the road and saw a car with a lady in it smiling . I stared at her and said out loud " Now why are you smiling ? " I was back in my old home in Oxnard . So old in fact it was the version before we remodeled our home . I was in the family room in front of the house , and some people in a truck were driving by with squirt guns . I decided to join in on the fun and shouted at everyone in the room to get down when they drove by again . They threw a water balloon or something , but I was surprised to find out that it was so much water that a bunch of water splashed my back , even though I was inside the house . It was a video much like GameTrailers ' PopFiction . Words in qoutes are what the narrator said . " Many people have been having dreams about a hidden Fox boss in Final Fantasy XII , so we 're here to find out if it exists . " The character Cloud is on some sort of world map . He then flew under something to enter a part of the map that wasn 't supposed to be accessed . Cloud walks on a small island on the corner edge of the map ( It 's the edge because there 's nothing but black beyond it ) and then encounters the hidden boss , a crude , polygonal , brown fox . " Wow ! It 's exactly as people described ! This is amazing ! " 1 . I had a toy car that turned into a huge treehouse - and - stuff playset . I sat there wondreing how all that could have come out of that toy car . 2 . Some people were selling antiques , and I noticed them selling a yellow jar , one that looked just like Grandpa 's sugar jar . I think they were stealing stuff from people 's homes and then selling them . Around this time though I got three miniature , antique pots from Quay and kept them in my pant pocket . Keeping them in there were getting them banged up though as I walked around , especially the one that was made of sandstone . 3 . I woke up , and not wanting to forget the dream I just had , took out from my pant pocket a miniature antique pot and set it on the couch to remind me . Except this too was a dream , and it didn 't help . 1 . I was driving down a coastal highway . I then reached a town that , from the entrance , looked like dark storm clouds were completely covering the town , with only the entrance from the road that kinda looked liked the entrance to a cave . Once inside though I could see that it was actually a large canopy of a black cloth mesh . White Christmas lights hung from the canopy to provide light to the town . 2 . I was walking in some sort of fantasy world . A grassy pathway with occasional stone - laid , circle - shaped town centers with a fountain in the middle . There were green mountains to the left and a misty , bottomless canyon to the right . Unfortunately I was a giant and the pathway was swarming with moving mushroomas , plants , and people . It was impossible for me to walk along without stepping on someone or something . Once I made it to the end of the pathway ( Nothing but the bottomless pit was beyond it ) there was some sort of teleportation gateway . Suddenly I was no longer walking in this world , but looking down at it through a tablet device . For some reason a pirate was also looking at it with me . Some targets appeard on the screen , so both I and the pirate started tapping at the targets . The screen then went back the way I came from the path and we tapped at targets along the way . Occasionally treasure appeared and we grabbed them by tapping on it ( It 's a tablet , how else would you get it ? ) . The pirate was very kind and considerate about letting me grab the treasure . 3 . I was in a video game that had the graphics style of Minecraft , but was littered with things like Katamari . There were these flying things that chased me and I had to run away from them or they 'd " get me . " And I had to run as fast as I could because they were really fast . I could interact with some of the people in the world . In one instance ( I can 't remember the other one ) I gave a kid some watermelon . I think the kid said something to the effect of " Really ? I can have watermelon ? My dad says I can 't have any . " He eats the watermelon , but then falls down like he 's sick , and a bunch of somethings swarmed on him . My dad said " Come here . You should really read this book . " He then hands me a book titled " Freefall . " The cover had the grim reaper on it brandishing his sycth , and an unlocked shackle next to the name . It was about a man who became the grim reaper and fought evil . It was a Zelda - like game , and the main character went to a shop and looked at the items . The salesman then said " Giant Sausage in the Shape of a Man : That 's a good item ! Not only is it a giant sausage in the shape of a man , but it also has life - sustaining properties , and it transforms into a giant robot ! " Next scene is a giant robot ( Which , now that I think about it , looked much like Larry from Time Squad ) moving on a stage much like Goemon Impact ! But unlike Goemon Impact , it had rockets on its skates , and it moved down the stage really fast , plowing down anyone and anything that stood in its way . It moved so fast it then skated across the ocean . I think it may have started to fly , but the dream ended after that . I was in my car , but for some reason my brother Tim was driving it . He switched the car 's gear into H1 and the car started flying . Not Jet plane flying , more like slow hover car flying . We flew around a bit , but for some reason I went out of the car and fell sideways , as if gravity was parallel to the ground . Then I realized " Wait , this isn 't how gravity works " and then I stood on the ground like normal . I was trying to find a movie on OnDemand , but only found a chick flick . I streamed a movie on the Internet , but it was a chick flick . And for some reason the video player made sound effects from Zelda : A Link to the Past . 1 . I was an empty , glass Coke bottle , rolling on the front lawn and sidewalk of our home in Oxnard . I 'm a human again and I 'm given a note saying I have to get something for them or they 'll hurt someone I care about . I get the rock they 're after that for some reason has computer data in it . I 'm then given another note saying that if I don 't figure out the data , they 'll kill authors I hate . I find out that Pinkie Pie has been gone at the fair for too long , so I go looking for her fearing that they 're going to hurt her . I entered the evil lair , where the bad guy and his monster minion were waiting for me . It was a dark room , with a square pit in the center with lava at the bottom , and swords lined the edge of the pit as a fence . The minion dropped bombs into the pit that sprayed up lava towards me . Then bones came up from the ground and I had to break them before they became monsters and attacked me . Boulders also came up from the ground to roll at me . Then there were dogs , but for some reason I unknowingly tamed some of them and they became my pets . I then climbed a hill on an island to find an Inn , where some villagers greeted me . I often have dreams . I often remember my dreams . So I decided to record my dreams , otherwise I 'll forget them . I 've actually been more diligent at writing in my dream journal than my normal journal . 1 . A bunch of Pokemon gathered together in a rectangular formation . They used a water attack to propel them forward on a wave . A few Pokemon in the formation were left behind though as they were fire types , who then rolled around in pain from the water while creating a wave of fire . 2 . Can 't quite remember this one . Something about a farm village - like place , with chickens , cat people , there was a war or something . There was a ward that was then split up when one of the lands gained victory in the war . A group went to the moon on a spherical space shuttle . There was a tent on the moon that for some reason didn 't leak air . There were creatures in the shadows , working in swarms . These dark creatures would violently kill their prey , rip off their skulls , and wear them on their own heads . By taking their preys ' skulls and putting them on their own heads they then quickly evolved into them . The surviving crew then threw the spaceship onto a track and rolled it away , very much like that level in Super Mario Galaxy where Mario rolls a ball around . Their ship goes back to earth , burning in the atmosphere to kill any creatures that may have clung aboard . They thought they made it back safely , but soon the creatures were popping up around cities , mostly in their evolved human - like form . After killing more and taking more skulls , they even started talking . By the end , the super soldier serum ( The one that created Captain America ) was perfected , which gave the rest of the human population a fighting chance . Me , my family , and Seth L . went home from church . We stopped by sister Beck 's home and talked . As we were about to leave I messed with their faucet , and she got upset that I was about to leave without putting the heat setting back where it was . Mom and the family left us , and I put the faucet 's temperature setting back to where it was . Since the family left Seth and I , we walked home . Seth became a dog and started running , while I just slid along the ice - covered sidewalk . It was almost completely dark ( Save for an occasional car 's headlights ) and we were in the west end of my neighborhood back in Oxnard . Eventually Seth ran ahead of me and I got on my bike ( Which came from nowhere ) and I put a strobe light on my belt so others would see me in the dark . I later made it home , my home in Oxnard , and found Seth banging on the door . He told me " The kids are awake but no one is opening the door . " Because of my strobe light mom later came , in her night gown , to let us in . 1 . There was a board with different colored areas , and different colored papers that laid on it . The papers were then folded . The papers represented different government agencies or political parties , the board represented different areas or nations or political parties . Since the papers folded the different government agencies or political parties into different areas or nations or political parties , they came to me to help figure and sort things out , because for some reason I was the expert . 2 . I was Robin , flying with Batman in the Batwing . We spotted some prison escapees on a rusted metal platform with cranes and crates by a dock , running towards an entrance to a Joker hideout . I jumped down and started fighting them all . They were highly acrobatic , and kept going no matter how much a beat them up . They also had a skateboard where instead of the board being horizontal with the ground , was vertical . One girl said " Just chill , dude ! " and I said " We just found you trying to get into a Joker hideout , and you want us to chill ? " Eventually they ran away . One guy went underwater to enter the hideout , with a jet ski following him , and I threw a bomb or something underwater at him . The girl was left behind and she was calming down . I said " Fine , you want me to chill out ? I 'm chill . " The longer , more detailed answer : When I finally left college and looked to get a real job , I got my first job at DISH . You know , the satellite TV company . And not just any DISH office , it was their headquarters , so there were a lot of people there . My team alone was something like thirty people . So , why did I not like working there ? Well , I 'll tell you . Just keep in mind that this is one man 's experience , and I certainly don 't speak for DISH . 1 . You need permission to do anything . Want to access the Internet ? Get permission . Want to have admin access on your own computer ? Get permission . Want to download software that you need in order to even do your job ? Get permission . And I 'm not talking , " Hey boss man , can I do this ? " No , I 'm talking a formal request form that you have to wait and hear back from the higher ups . It took me about a month just to be " set up . " 2 . Cubicles . I didn 't know it at the time , but I don 't like cubicles . You 're closed off from the rest of your team ; it 's just you and your computer . 3 . The more people there are , the less you 're going to remember / know people . I 'm not a very social person , but I would like to at least remember the names of the people I work with ( It 's especially hard when everyone you work with has an accent you can barely understand ) . 4 . I had to wear business casual clothes . Now this was more because I was at HQ than it being a large company , but still , I don 't like having to wear business . . . anything . 5 . In the three months I was there , I hardly did anything . Now this might not be the standard , but since I was on a contract - to - hire , they had to train me ; test me out . I read training materials , manuals , whatever random things I could get my hands on , and did some IT security quizzes . I read stuff until I was bored out of my mind . I would ask now and again if there was anything , anything that they wanted me to do . Once in a while they gave me some menial things to do , but usually they had nothing . Many times I found myself spinning around in my chair . Whenever people asked me what I did at my job , I could only say " I dunno . " After my three months I was told they wouldn 't be hiring me . I was a bit disappointed ; I mean , hey , it was my first real job , and I didn 't want to look for another one . But not long afterwards I was hired by The Library Corporation ( Well , CARL , more specifically : a company previously bought by The Learning Company ) on a six month contract - to - hire . 1 . From day one I had a computer , chair , phone , and full admin privileges and Internet access . I was told what I needed in order to do my work and was set up in one day . 2 . No cubicles ( For development teams , anyways ) . My entire team can be seen at once , and all I have to do is speak if I want to talk to any of them . 3 . Only about thirty people work in the entire office . I know about two thirds of their names ( The other third I rarely have contact with ) , and while I still know very little about their personal lives , I 've at least been able to learn that they 're good people to work with . 5 . Within the first three days , I accomplished more than the three months I spent at DISH . They didn 't give me pointless training courses that I 'd later forget , they just handed me my assignments and I went to work . At TLC we follow a version of the kanban process management , a type of agile programming ( I don 't even know if DISH had a process management . Never knew of it , at least ) . In short , I get more work done , more faster ( I know that 's not proper grammar ) . |
This is what democracy looks like ? My Mind 's Eye A reflection for the First Sunday of Advent Building a New Majority Adventures with a keyboard Open Government Data and the case of Wiener Linien Twenty Five Years Nobody over 30 ever had a good idea What is $ 2000 worth ? Fix the Filibuster Archives One of the pleasures of these weeks with Oma was that , to the degree she ate anything , she liked eating the food I prepared for her . For years I had learned how to cook at her elbow . Oma had a very direct method of cooking , just tossing meat on the counter or veggies in the water , never really measuring , never fretting about cleanliness . And she would use everything , then throw whatever was left " out for the birds . " The " birds " were huge crows , maybe ravens , that haunted the top of Husckagasse with an eye on Oma 's front yard . We could throw almost anything into the front yard , and within minutes it would be gone . Bones , meat , bread , leftovers of every sort would all vanish . If you paused in the living room and watched , you 'd see three or four of these enormous black guardians descend , seek out the offerings , and fly away , beaks full . It didn 't take long . I taught Anna to trust in the birds , and just dispose of extras in the front yard . Only vegetables would ever be left lying around the next day , the birds were clearly carnivores . Anyway , the joy for me was that I was forced to cook on my own , but with Oma only a room away . The dining room had been transformed into her bedroom , and it was connected to the kitchen by a small pass - through from the kitchen counter to the dining room counter . I could watch Oma while I cooked , pass the food into her room . Alex and I bought a small folding table at Ikea that we could set up to eat by the side of her bed , sharing mealtime . In Austria the main meal is in the middle of the day , when Americans would have lunch . We would spend that time with Oma . I learned how to cook fried chicken like schnitzel , which Oma particularly liked . Of course , her dentures were not fitting properly any longer , so chewing on bones , one of her favorite activities , was limited to weakly sucking on them . She didn 't eat much , but we could usually get her to eat something . This week has been all about the ins and outs . Oma 's outs have been a problem , first coming way to fast , requiring five or six diaper changes a day , and then , after some immodium , coming way too slow and leaving Oma feeling constipated for three days . This is one roller coaster I 'd rather not be on ! I kind of enjoy changing baby diapers , they are often so smiley and playful in the process . Oma is not nearly so cheery about having come full circle . The ins have also become an issue . While Oma has been drinking quite well ( over one and a half liters per day ) her blood work was still disturbing enough that her " house doctor " [ Dr . B ] wanted to start an IV . in fact , he wanted to ship her back to the hospital , but after a conversation with Dagmar and Dr . D he settled down to a handful of new prescriptions and the IV of saline per day . Unfortunately he placed the line in at the inside of Oma 's elbow , a location that sees quite a bit of motion , and she already displaced it today , after only three days . Our goal , of course , was to get Oma out of bed . She would agree with that in principle , and had said as much to all her friends earlier in the week , but in practice she was much more reluctant . Alex and I turned our out - of - house excursions into forays into the Austrian insurance system , seeking and getting approvals for equipment like a wheelchair through what seemed like a maze of bureaucratic offices around Vienna . We discovered a host of new strassenbahn lines and pushed the boundaries of my German in the process . After weeks of hoops , we finally got the wheelchair home : We also got in and ( much more importantly ) out of bed today . Alex and I hunted down the wheelchair ( with a side trip to the insurance company for the right approval , of course ) and brought it home on the strassenbahn this morning . Lucky for us , when we got home the physical therapist was there ( for the first time since Oma got home ) and helped us convince Oma to try out the chair . Even though Oma shouted " no " and " I can 't " and " not today , tomorrow " at us , she could and she did . Her trip to the front door to look at the garden did not last very long , but we were able to give her at least a brief glimpse at her sunny garden . Then back to bed . The physical therapist stressed the importance of activity for Oma , who had now been in bed for well over eight weeks . He gave us exercises for her to work on in bed , and also told us to get her sitting up in the chair at least twice a day . I had no idea how difficult this simple charge would be to carry out . It is a very rainy Tuesday in Vienna and Alex and I have been here for almost a week . Some days , or really , more accurately , nights , have been horrible . Other hours have passed in quiet peacefulness and rest . The couple nights before Sunday were the worst this week . Oma was awake half the night and very demanding . " Eric ! " I would here her cry out at midnight or 1am or 2am . I 'd trundle down in my pajamas to find her shouting for water or comfort . I know , I 'm here to help and Oma has always been awake nights , but you might be surprised at how quickly such demands get old . It would be even worse for Veronica , who works all day with Oma only to hear the same cry at night . Veronica told me that on these nights she didn 't get to bed until three or four in the morning . Sunday was a bit of a turning point in the week . Oma had many visitors , virtually all arriving at the same time , late that morning . Heinz and Helga arrived first , Helga bearing a pot of soup for us . Then Tante Trude ( Mariella 's mom ) dropped in with her daughter Crystal . Finally the incredibly talkative Sigrun joined us . It was an Oma party , everyone in Oma 's room ! Oma had such a nice smile on her face , and spoke so nicely with her friends , they all said she was doing so much better than the week before , that she must get up next , move about a bit . Oma agreed . Of course , soon after they left , Oma was back asleep . Since then , though , the days and nights have been more peaceful . Today , at breakfast , Oma even read the paper and asked for a pen so she could try the word - game a bit . I think this is a first since she left the house back in February . Alex has a few pictures of the past few days at Flicker , he sent the URL so you can take a look . He will keep adding to that site . Still , all is not well . Oma 's muscles cramp up something fierce since she has been in bed without physical therapy or massage for weeks . This has to be fixed . Heinz and I are trying to get physical therapy started and a wheelchair in the house so that we can encourage Oma to get moving . I move and massage her feet and legs , exercises I have learned with Alex , but I am sure she needs more . Day by day . Only after Anna returned did it become clear what a disaster Veronica had been for Oma . She had a large bedsore on her bottom from not being turned enough , and her muscle cramps had become much worse . I had been cooking for Oma since my return , so at least she had been eating better . I still think of this day often , when Oma held her newspaper and filled out a few words of the crossword puzzle . Oma was trying life back on this day . It was bright shiny spring and I imagined that if we could find the right therapists and get Oma out of bed , she would land back on her feet . This was a great day . Alex joined me on my return to Vienna a year ago today . We were coming back to care for Oma , sick at home , so Dagmar could return to the US to attend to matters at home for a while . Our flight included a very long layover in Amsterdam , which gave me an opportunity to share our brand new iPad with the crew at the local Mac store . A few hours walking and boating around Amsterdam and we were back en route to Austria . Dagmar had to leave the day before we were arriving , but we knew Oma , who was still bedridden , would be home . She was being cared for by Veronica for another week before Anna also returned . We found a chocolate bunny sitting on the shelf by Oma 's bed and fed her a bit of it . It was springtime , Eastertime , in Vienna , my favorite time to visit . On April 8 I wrote : Alex and I arrived safely in Vienna last night . Oma was waiting up for us and very happy to see us arrive . She smiled and even laughed at part of our story . After a walk around Cobenzl in the fabulous Vienna spring weather , Alex and I l got down to the business of cooking . Alex worked on cucumbers while I cooked the schnitzel . I put the whole tray in front of Oma and told her it was for her . Since I am used to cooking for a hungry family of four , that was quite a bit of schnitzel . " Um Gott es willen , " said Oma ! When I returned with her real portion nicely cut into pieces she got an angry look on her face , " I hate it all cut up , " she said . Veronica warned me that she could not cut her own food , so I gave Oma an extra piece uncut , but left the cut - up portion there . Of course , she cut and ate the whole uncut piece just fine , and left the pre - cut stuff behind . Go Oma ! All in all she seems much better than she was two weeks ago , more engaged than she was two weeks ago . Alex and I will be here for a month . I invited family to write to Oma at an email address I set up … " I 'm sitting here with Oma , who does not really approve of computers . They take too much time away from life together , as she sees it . But , I have thought of something that Oma may approve of : an email address for Oma ! " I found the iPad was a wonderful way to sit with Oma and still have my books to read or my email at hand . It was out - of - the - way enough that it didn 't annoy her , tapping on the screen to type was virtually silent . Alex created a Flickr photo set and started sharing pictures with the family . It became clear that Oma and Veronica were not a good match . Veronica insisted on her way of doing things , and that way often didn 't sit well with Oma . Veronica would also back off when Oma complained , leaving her not well positioned or settled . Oma would cry out at all hours of the night for Veronica or me , which was wearing me down . Alex and I tried to spend some time away from the house every day just to get away from the tension . I was apart from Oma for the two weeks at the end of March and beginning of April 2010 . Dagmar was with her , arranging for the shifts of nursing care . On March 29 I wrote : I spoke with Dagmar this morning . Veronica , who will take Anna 's place over the next two weeks with Oma , is at the house and learning the ropes from Anna . The big news was that once Anna gets back in two weeks , she plans to stay on ! In other words , no switches every two weeks . Every now and then she will have to take a break or deal with family matters ( she has a nine - year - old son living with her mother in Slovakia ) , and at those times Curavita will supply someone else to be with Oma . But in general , Anna will be present with Oma . I also told Anna that when I return she may bring along her boy some time , once he has summer vacation , so he wont miss her so much . I have tried to make anja feel welcome and part of the family and am glad that the effort bore fruit . Well … " well " is relative . She will be in bed for awhile . Her blood pressure is too low and her heart beat irregular so … as I said well is relative . Tonight Dr . B made a house call and simply said … there is always hope … but her heart is weak . Dr . B was the neighborhood doctor , who lived at the end of Oma 's block . He would stop by regularly . Oma was also being followed by Dr . D , her longtime friend and doctor who had also cared for Opa . Dr . D was more of a specialist , though , and Oma 's case did not really fit his specialty . But he was highly regarded , even by Dr . B . In addition Dagmar had arranged with the only hospice operation in Vienna , a mobile hospice , to have their doctors on call . The nurses of the mobile hospice checked in with the nurses of Curavita to make sure the home care staff , Veronica for the time being , were doing their job . It was quite an operation ! Once I landed in the States again , my incentive grew for making sure that those of us over here could communicate with her in Austria . Stephen had helped Dagmar install a Skype phone , now I really needed to use it . Here was an early success , on 3 / 27 : I spoke with Dagmar this morning and she said Oma was having a very good day . Oma ate breakfast by herself today . As I was on the phone , Oma started lunch . Attached is a set of images from today 's lunch . Oma eating . That is a wonderful sight to me . It was really wonderful to be able to talk with Dagmar and Oma this way . We had also set up a frame in Oma 's room that rotated through pictures family could add to using a Flickr tag . One of my sisters noted : Apple was about to release the iPad as well . We had decided that Mary , Nate , Alex , and I would hold a " biggest loser " contest with the winner winning an iPad , but that would be a 3G iPad not even due out for another month . So I unilaterally decided to buy a wifi iPad and sell it in Austria at the tail end of my next visit . I really wanted something I could use to both communicate , share pictures , and read on while sitting with Oma . I 'd put in my order just before leaving Vienna , now I was just hoping it would ship in time . Anna came home from Rudolfinerhaus with Oma , which turned out to be a huge blessing . Anna was amazing , able to pull Oma up in the bed all on her own , able to listen compassionately , but still insist on doing things Oma didn 't like , like cleaning or eating . Anna came to us from Curavita in Vienna , a firm that places nursing care in the home for extended times . They typically place a nurse in the home for two weeks , followed by another for the next two weeks . These two then trade off biweekly for as long as the care is needed . The care may be part time or full time . The nurses , like Anna , are not necessarily " licensed " as we know them in the states , but they are screened and trained , usually from neighboring countries like Slovakia or Hungary . Oma clearly liked Anna , and we quickly learned why . It is amazing how quickly this sort of stress brings someone into the family . Anna became one of us . One of the highlights for me during these first few days at home was that Nate , who had been faithfully practicing with his cello the whole two weeks , finally got to play where Oma could hear him . He 'd been too shy to bring his cello to the hospital , but sharing this with Oma at home was easy , he just practiced in the living room while she lay in the next room . Oma clearly enjoyed this connection , and the chance to hear Nate play . Having Oma at home was wonderful , but I also needed to get away from the stress and silence of the house . We went for walks , on missions to Ikea , and visiting easter markets and other haunts around Vienna . One very special visit was to the Jewish Museum , where one permanent exhibit shows ghostly holograms of artifacts from lives lost , from a past that can no longer be touched . There we also saw a temporary art exhibit of works created by Viennese artists who were killed by the Nazi regime . One painting struck me particularly , it portrayed Kahlenberg from the same street we often walked on . This is a walk that my Opa took me on before he died and it was a walk that often soothed me during Oma 's illness and at many other times of stress in Vienna . I was so moved to find this beautiful image of my special walk painted so lovingly by someone who was so unappreciated at the time that he was thrown away by his society . It was labeled " Alte Kahlenberger Straße , 1933 " by Fritz Schwarz - Waldegg . Would we all be so forgotten ? Do our spirits linger in the places we love ? Oma was getting stronger these days . She was sitting up in bed regularly . We were eager to see her improve and pushed her to do more . At one point , Stephen and I tried to help her stand with Anna hovering nervously nearby . Oma was super shaky . She certainly could not stand on her own . We held her for a minute and then let her down again . She was quite relieved when the ordeal was over . I was impressed by her frailty , being that close helped me understand how weak she really was . The thrum of the oxygen generator became the sound of the house , the curtains across the dining room , now Oma 's bedroom became our new normal . The visitors began to stop by to see Oma . Her dear Trude , faithful Sigrun , amazing neighbors Heinz and Helga , problem solver Gerd , along with the evolving medical team of Curavita , the local mobile hospice service , and the neighborhood doctor from the bottom of Huschkagasse . Dagmar planned to stay in the mix until I could return in April , but for now it was time to leave Oma in her new matrix and pray that she would recover with the help of this wonderful community around her . The nights were rough . Oma continually cried out for help , pressed the buzzer for Anna , woke us looking for attention and solace . I was only got two hours sleep the night before Nate and I left . I can 't say I was terribly upset to get the relief of an ocean between me and the situation , but I was terribly afraid that I would not be there with Oma . We left on Tuesday 3 / 23 . I returned from Austria yesterday , so we are no longer with Oma . Natalie will be returning from Vienna tomorrow . Dagmar will be alone with Oma and her nurse ( Anna ) as of Thursday . She will stay in Vienna until April 6th . I plan to go back to Vienna on April 6th ( possibly with Alex ) and stay through May 4th . I think Dagmar plans to go back in mid - May . Time dilates when the stresses pile on . Anyone who has tended a loved one in the ICU or lived through the aftermath of an accident experiences this rush of events that can hardly seem , in retrospect , to fit the time they were given on a calendar . This week with Oma and Stephen and Dagmar and Natalie and Nathaniel was dilated this way . How did we do everything we did ? We are pretty sure she will come home this week , but nothing is certain . She has been improving , more ready to smile or joke , more ready to try foods again , maybe even sleeping a bit . We have oxygen at home now , still waiting for the bed . Dagmar has worked hard to get care for Oma set up at home , the outfit doing this will be shadowing the nursing staff at the hospital for a couple days to get the routine down , then we hope on Friday to bring Oma back to H9 . It will be quite strange at home even if Oma does return . Right now it feels empty without her . But if she is lying and recovering / crying out in the diningroom / now / bedroom that will be very odd as well . I have pictures of walks with Nathaniel and Stephen , somehow finding time to get out in the Vienna woods , or visit the easter markets around town in the spring . Finding ways to enjoy this wonderful second home our family shared . Spring sprung in Vienna today . The sun came out after two weeks of snow , rain , and cloudy days . After Oma 's bed arrived this morning , Stephen , Nathaniel , and I took a walk from up on Kahlenberg to Nussdorf while Natalie and Dagmar visited Oma and took delivery of the mattress . He says he is doing good . He is sad and worried for Oma , but he certainly helps me stay on an even keel . We do a few normal things together , going for walks , going to get ice cream , we 'll go to a movie this week . I have pictures of us shopping for the things we would need to transform Oma 's dining room into a recovery room . The bubble wrap for the dishes . The boxes to pack up everything . The curtains to hang for privacy from the living room . We thought Oma would like the light of the room , the view of Cobenzl above . We knew we would appreciate the access to the kitchen and the proximity to the living room . I have pictures of the visitors to Oma 's hospital room , where she began to smile a little and believe that she might actually make it home after all . She would not die today , instead she would talk with Günther . She would not die today , instead she would eat . She would not die today , instead she would argue with Dagmar . Anna , who would be so important and wonderful in the coming weeks , also appeared in our lives . By this afternoon when I stopped by RH , Oma was so sound asleep she didn 't even flinch when she got a shot in the leg . Later she woke and told Dagmar she was worried about the move home . This seemed quite wise to me , as life has been pretty easy on Oma in the hospital , if you overlook all the outright suffering . Home will be substantially more demanding . Without IVs she will have to eat and drink more regularly . The noise around the house will be greater than what she deals with at RH . And Anna , the first caregiver from Curavita ( the 24 hour care service ) , does not have quite the grasp of German we had hoped for . We expect Oma to be " delivered " home around 2pm tomorrow , it will be quite a challenge . At least Oma will get to hear Nathaniel practice his cello ! She had a pretty stressful transfer , with a ride down from the top of Huschkagasse in a stretcher that was no fun at all ( though Nate might have enjoyed it ) . She fell asleep soon after getting home . Oma would still need oxygen . Oma would need 24 hour nursing care . Oma would be bedridden for likely weeks . But Oma would come home . She arrived in an ambulance at Huschkagasse 9 and was wheeled into the room we had prepared . She was home . I think Noelle was essentially correct in saying that there was " no significant improvement " yesterday . However , Oma did hit some significant milestones yesterday . She stood up for the first time this week . Twice . She sat at a table . She sat up to try to eat . These were all exhausting for her , though . Her body is clearly improving , but her state of mind is not making the same progress . Her language was a bit less clear yesterday than the day before . And she shows little interest in moving toward health and away from the end , in my view anyway . Even though the doctor has said she could come home next week I would be very surprised if that was the case . However , I would be equally surprised to find she has died next week . Still , each day has been a journey , for her and us . So I can 't really predict a thing . Oma is doing both well , and horribly poorly , depending on your perspective . We smile and weep in equal measure . I wonder what today will bring . Conversations ? You can hardly call them that . Tommy [ a family friend and her lawyer ] refuses to talk to her because she is not coherent enough to make binding decisions . Dagmar has tried , but not really gotten through . Oma has made decisions , we all more or less know them , but she failed to assign anyone the power to carry them out . For a few days it seemed she just wanted to go , meaning to die . But today ( and yesterday too , maybe ) she began to accept that she was not dying and had to either eat and go home or not eat and end up in some kind of nursing facility . The latter is her nightmare , so she has started eating . Today she rifled through her purse with Dagmar and complained about various things , even ticking Dagmar off . For me , seeing the tension rise between mother and daughter was a sign that mother is on the mend . This won 't be simple . She needs quite a lot of care still . Dagmar is arranging 24 hour in - house care for Oma . Those folks will do another eval on Wednesday to be sure they can pull it off . This evening when we stopped by to see her she was sound asleep . Sleep has been very difficult for her , so this was another good sign . We let her rest peacefully in bed . We 'll see what tomorrow brings . I also began to realize that two weeks was not going to be enough time in Vienna . While I had to return Nathaniel to school , I also started looking at a return to Vienna in April , possibly with Alex . I was pretty sure Oma would still need us . Nathaniel and I arrived at the Vienna airport on Thursday March 11th and met my brother Stephen there . I like taking public transit in Vienna , so we all took the City Airport Train together . The route home to Huschkagasse from the airport goes right past Rudolfinerhaus on Billrothstrasse . This time , we didn 't go home , Oma lay in Rudolfinerhaus and we wanted to see her first thing . Back in February of 2010 Oma I got a call while I was traveling to Code4Lib . Dagmar was very concerned because she had just spoken with Oma and Oma seemed very disconnected , she wanted me to call Oma and see what I thought . So while I waited for my plane I gave Oma a ring and said hello . We 'd talked at least once every few weeks for the past few years . She always was complaining of being dizzy and not feeling particularly well . Her life sounded unimaginably lonely to me , and Dagmar and I had been asking her to consider moving to a nursing home just to be around more people . On this Monday ( 2 / 22 ) in February she had lost consciousness for a bit , she was lying down on her couch not feeling well at all , she was mad that her cleaning lady had been gone and unable to help . She sounded a bit off , but her wits were gathering around her . She was going to head to the hospital and was waiting for the taxi . I was very concerned , talked with Dagmar again , and decided to fly to Vienna to see Oma in March . We assumed Oma would be out of the hospital by then , but we wanted to have a difficult conversation with her about the future , about a nursing home , or at least about home care that went beyond unreasonable expectations of cleaning ladies . Mary and I decided that Nathaniel could miss two weeks of school and join me on this trip . We began to make arrangement that same day . Oma did improve at the hospital after what was determined to likely have been a stroke . She was in Rudolfinerhaus , a very nice private clinic only a few blocks from home . Her doctor , Dr . Djavan , practiced Urology there and had cared from her husband , my grandfather . Her case was not particularly up his alley , but they were fast friends , she trusted him , he cared for her , and Rudolfinerhaus was always her her destination when a medical crisis called her away from home . I talked with her often during those weeks , and she always expected to head home in another week or two . She was very excited that I was visiting with Nathaniel , she looked forward to hearing him play cello . But something else always came up , another bad spell , another poor test result , another procedure to be done , so the date of her return home kept receding into the future . The day Nathaniel and I left Minnesota was the same day that she experienced another , more severe , stroke . Dr . Djavan told us to hurry , Dagmar and my sister Natalie decided to get on the next plane to Vienna . There was no question for Stephen and Nathaniel and I that Rudolfinerhaus would be our first stop , all that awaited us at Huschkagasse , after all , was a spooky silence . We stepped of the streetcar and walked into the hospital in our scruffy travel clothes pulling our bags behind us . We found Oma in a quite single room on the second floor . It was a shock . She was asleep , but looked incredibly worn . She had not been responding to the nursing care since her stroke the day before . We bent close , we held her hand , we let her know we were there . We didn 't really get words back , but we did get a response . That room in Rudolfinerhaus became the center of our universe . I can hardly express how much it meant to me to share this experience with Nathaniel . I could not cry that morning , but Nathaniel wept in the hall . I needed his tears and I needed the future he represented . We had lived with Oma for six months in 2007 , and I was so glad he knew her enough to feel the pain of this moment so keenly . She was not the person we had known so well , and yet , there she was , still with us and needing us . It was awful , but it was also an amazing gift . I had space in my life that let me be with Oma , be with Nathaniel , and be with my mother and sister who would gather together the next day . Although Rudolfinerhaus became the center of the universe , it was not the whole universe . Having Nathaniel along helped ensure that . He had become a cellist in his school orchestra , and he needed to stay in practice . We found that Vienna is full of cellos for rent , and got one the next day from a little shop tucked into the block with the Musikverein . Excursions like this , or to get ice cream or go shopping balanced the intensity of Oma 's room . It was wonderful to be in Vienna ! Dagmar and Natalie arrived , and we all started to take shifts with Oma , pulling her back to us with our care and presence . One year ago today was one of the victorious milestones of this journey : Oma sat up in her bed . She had outlasted Dr . Djavan 's worst fears , but it was unclear what that meant . Could there be a fate worse than death ? As Dagmar wrote a year ago on this day : living in limbo may be worse ? i wish oma could trust the universe enough to just give her power , whats left of it , to tommy her lawyer or her only child … . but i am afraid thats asking for more than is possible . i honestly don 't believe she understands the full implications of her stubborn refusal to trust us . One year ago today I got a call from Dr . Djavan , my grandmother 's doctor in Vienna . Oma was very ill , she had been in the hospital already for a few weeks and I was planning a to visit . In fact , Nathaniel and I would be leaving later that day . Dr . Djavan was calling us to say he didn 't think Oma would last much longer . He had done all he could , but the downward spiral had begun and would get faster as the days passed . He was trying to reach my mother so he could tell her to come quickly . The whole Cleveland branch of the family went on the hunt for Dagmar . She is usually so easy to reach , one cell phone call away . But today , with this urgent news , nobody could find her . She was out of touch . I have scattered emails and notes about the two months that followed . I want to record them here , in a series of posts over the next few months . I want to remember what it was like to share these last weeks with Oma . She did indeed die , but not right away . As I said to family that evening one year ago : " I am not sure how much longer Oma has with us or what the next hours and days of her journey will bring , but I 'm sure she can use your prayers . I am heading to Vienna this evening , so I 'll keep you posted from there once I arrive tomorrow . " |
My employer made this pronouncement , then she leaned back in her chair , lit a cigarette , and sipped her coffee . I knew what had set her mind in this direction . This morning we were going to school . Jan Sleet started every morning with a cup of coffee and a cigarette . Some days , of course , coffee was not available , and on those mornings it was more difficult to get her out of bed . Unless there was a mystery to solve . " Oh , it 's just a general observation , " she said with a smile . " I 'm curious to see the school today . I don 't know that much about it . " I wondered if this was true . It would not have been unusual for her to claim ignorance about a subject , in order to " discover " things about it later . On the other hand , I had never seen her exhibit any interest in children ( other than our newly adopted daughter , Ron , of course ) , so perhaps she hadn 't been paying much attention to the U - town School . It was very much an ongoing experiment . I had heard that it was similar to a one - room schoolhouse in a small town , in that students were not automatically segregated by age . There was also a lot of effort to create a balance between having a mandated curriculum and allowing students , even young ones , to pick what they wanted to learn . " Oh , I 'm not really sure , " she said . " About being a reporter , I would imagine , but I think the students should get a choice . There are so many topics I could help with . Reporting , writing , solving mysteries , Bellona , U - town itself , the benefits of tobacco , government administration . . . " As we approached the school , I saw a familiar figure leaning against the fence , smoking a cigarette . " It 's Pete ! " Jan said ( rather unnecessarily ) , and he waved casually as we approached him . He smiled . " I 'm preparing to molest some schoolgirls . I 've heard that they can often be found in the vicinity of schoolyards . " He waved at greeting at me , then he looked around pointedly , in case some molestable schoolgirls might suddenly appear . Jan laughed and lit a cigarette . " I did not mean to imply that you wouldn 't have anything to contribute to education . Are you here teaching music ? " " No , " he said , " they haven 't added rock and roll to the curriculum yet , though I have suggested it . " He dropped his cigarette and stubbed it out with his toe . " No , " he said , " I 'm here for another reason . " We went down the hall together . Pete had dropped the question of why he was there , and I could tell my employer was trying to figure it out . I was amused to imagine what he could be shy about that would have been worse than living with starling . There were a few students around , of various ages , but not many . Classes were apparently in session . The walls were painted two unpleasant shades of institutional green , darker below and lighter above . Some areas had been defaced with graffiti and posters , and near the corner someone had started a nice painting of a seashore , right on the wall . My employer gestured at this , about to make a comment , when we heard a voice behind us . " Ah , Miss Sleet , " called a woman who was coming down the hall toward us . " I was just looking for you . " She looked familiar , but I couldn 't place her . Jan Sleet paused as the teacher reached for the door of the classroom . She tugged at the bottom of her vest , though it already hugged her slender torso without a crease or fold . Then she reached up and quickly touched the knot of her tie , reassuring herself that it was perfect , which it was . She had affected casual indifference about the U - town School , but I had noticed that she 'd dressed very carefully for this event . She was wearing her newest suit ( dark blue , single - breasted ) , freshly cleaned and pressed , with a pale blue shirt . Her shoes and her cane were polished , her shoulder - length , brown hair was brushed , and she smiled as she did when people were about to see her looking her best . Amusingly , the first thing we saw in the classroom was a full - page newspaper advertisement , taped to the wall . I was quite familiar with it , since it was an advertisement for a top haberdasher and it featured a picture of Jan Sleet . The photograph was striking , and I supposed it was being displayed in honor of her visit . So , it was just a photograph of Jan Sleet : very tall , very slender , one hand on her hip , the other holding her cane . Her expression was pensive , as if regarding an unexpected corpse . The only text on the page was the name of the company , in small type , at the bottom . " Class , " the teacher began as we sat down , " this is Miss Sleet , as I 'm sure you 're aware . She has consented to come and speak to us this morning as part of our career program . She - " The teacher , who I had finally recognized , turned back , but my employer responded first . " If the policy is that you 're not allowed to smoke in this class , " she said , " then you can 't smoke . Ms . Tumolo is your teacher , and it 's her decision . " She looked at the boy who had spoken . " What is your name ? " she asked . " Willy , " she said , drawing on her cigarette and leaning back in her chair , " one of the first things you learn as a reporter is that authority exists in every situation . You may think it 's valid authority , or not , but it 's there and you have to deal with it . I 've interviewed world leaders who had no legitimate claim to authority , who schemed and lied and assassinated to get where they were , and if they said I couldn 't smoke , I didn 't smoke , because I wanted the interview . " She gestured at the advertisement on the wall . I noticed that Willy seemed to be relaxing again . " One time I had to wear a dress , because a particular general would not even speak to a woman who was wearing pants . " She shrugged . " I hadn 't worn a dress or a skirt in over ten years , but I did then , because I wanted the interview . Then I wrote an article which nearly got me killed , but that 's a different story . " On the other hand , there have been situations where the subject , for whatever reason , needed the interview more than I did . In those cases , I smoked , and I dressed normally . " She turned to the teacher . " I 'm sorry , Ms . Tumolo , I 'm taking over your class as well as flouting your rules . Please continue . " As I said , I had finally recognized the teacher . Her name was Susan Tumolo . Before the founding of U - town , she had been the secretary of the mayor , Mike Sheldon , known as " Uncle Mike . " Immediately after the founding , Uncle Mike had vanished . The common assumption , hers and ours , had been that he had been removed , since he had ( from the government 's point of view ) bungled things so badly that one area of his city had been able to secede and become U - town . When we 'd first met her , she had disapproved of cigarettes , and that opinion ( and the facial expression which went with it ) hadn 't changed . Some things had changed , though . When we 'd met her , she 'd been wearing a blouse , a skirt , nylons , and pumps . Now , she 'd gone native enough that she wore jeans and flat shoes , but she was also wearing a nice blouse , a touch of makeup , nail polish , and some unobtrusive jewelry . Of course , sitting next to Jan Sleet , she still looked rather casual . Ms . Tumolo made the mistake of hesitating for a split second before responding , so my employer continued , " Why don 't we all get introduced to start off ? I 'll be able to help a lot more if I know you all better . That way , we can make the best use of our time here . " She glanced at Ms . Tumolo , which I thought was a nice gesture , but apparently the teacher didn 't have any objections . In fact , as my employer turned back to face the class , I noticed a smile quirk Ms . Tumolo 's full lips . She knew where the authority was in this situation ( authority which I knew from past experience she considered to be at least somewhat questionable ) , but she had figured out what I had seen earlier that morning , that this was going to be much more than a brief presentation on career choices . I had the idea that she was curious to see where this was going to go . " So , why don 't we start this way , " my employer began . " Let 's go around the room , and each of you can tell me your name , and ask me one question , whatever you want . You 'll have plenty of time for more questions later ; this is just so I can get an idea of what 's on your minds . " She gestured at the boy seated closest to the window . " Why don 't you start , if you don 't mind , and then we can go around the room . " He nodded . If he was uncomfortable , he didn 't show it . He was a bit taller than Willy , also with fair hair , though his hair was shorter . " My name is Roger , " he said , " and I 'm glad you 've come to visit us , but I am confused . Ms . Tumolo said yesterday that you were a reporter , and she gave us a couple of your articles to read . But , when I mentioned you to my parents last night , my father said you were running the government , and my mother said you were a detective , that you caught criminals . " He smiled . " So , I guess I 'm wondering how many careers you have , and how many we 're going to be expected to have . " That got a bit of a laugh , and my employer said , " That 's a good question , Roger . I 'm a reporter . If you 've read my articles , then you know what I do . Solving mysteries is my hobby , and , like many people , there are times when I 'd rather be doing my hobby than my job . " He nodded . " After all , " she continued , " Ellery Queen was a novelist , Dr . Fell was a lexicographer , Sir Henry Merrivale was . . . " She noticed their expressions . " Fictional characters . Before your time , I realize . I 'm sure you get the idea . " As for the government , I 'm certainly not running it ; Doc Morse is . I 'm in a position to help her , so I do , as I hope any of you would also . Does that answer your question ? " " Marshall is my assistant , " she said . " He travels everywhere with me , and I couldn 't get very much done without him . He produces the things I need , when I need them , no matter how impossible they seem , and he 's saved my life more than once . " She smiled . " If you really want to be successful in life , get a good assistant . That 's going to be the single most important thing you can do . " That got a laugh , and she turned her attention to the next student . He was a young man , a bit smaller than the others . He had straight , brown hair , and he looked fairly serious . " My name is Jimmy , " he said , then he corrected himself . " James . I wanted to ask what you think about college , ma ' am . My teachers say I 'm ready to go , but there aren 't any colleges around here . Did you go to college ? " She smiled . " Before I answer that , James , let me ask you a question . Do you not want to go to college ? Do you not want to travel ? " He shrugged . " Well , my parents are always saying how much better it is here in U - town . What if I go somewhere else and I don 't like it ? " She laughed . " Well , I think it is a pretty great place to live , but that doesn 't mean we shouldn 't travel . U - town is very small , and the world is very large . I like it here , but I 've been to a lot of places , so I have a basis for comparison . Are you going to marry the first person who asks you out on a date ? " Besides , U - town can 't survive on what people can learn here . For example , we need doctors , obviously , and it will be years before we can even think about starting a medical school here . I read an article recently - not written by me - which said that if your ailment is fairly common , you 'll receive better care in U - town than anywhere else in the world . However , if your ailment is uncommon , or complex , or difficult to diagnose , you 'll get sent somewhere else . We can be proud of the former , but we have to be working on the latter . There are doctors in the city who come to our hospital one day a week , and some of them refer certain patients to us , but we need more full - time staff , doctors who are always here , and who are doing research , not just treating patients . As Ray said to me recently , we can send you to some great therapists , but that doesn 't help if you need back surgery . " " Yes , I did , " she said , " but I didn 't graduate . When I got to college , I just went through the catalog and marked all the classes I thought would help me solve mysteries . And I took all the journalism classes , too , of course . " She shrugged . " I didn 't have one . I had no interest in getting a degree , I just wanted an education . When I 'd taken all the courses I needed , I left . " " Oh , I don 't think of it as dropping out . Dropping out implies quitting in the middle of something . I just followed through on the plan I 'd laid out when I was in high school . So , I left college , I found Marshall and hired him , and I was ready to go . " " I don 't recommend doing that , by the way , though it has worked quite well for me . But now , when I 've taken on some responsibilities in the government , I do wish I 'd taken some other courses . Economics , for example . I did take languages , since all of the classic detectives were polylingual , and that 's been helpful in diplomatic work , but I wish I 'd taken a much wider range of courses when I was there . " " I have a question , " she said . " It 's really from my mother , when she heard you were going to be here . " She hesitated . Jan leaned forward and said conspiratorially , " Well , Amy , you don 't have to ask your mother 's question , if you 'd rather ask one of your own . We won 't tell . Or , if you want , you can ask me two questions , hers and one of your own . " " No , that 's okay , " she said very seriously . " It 's about . . . There 's this woman . She lives across the street from us , and my mother says that she 's crazy and she 's killed hundreds of people . My mother wants to know why you don 't arrest her and put her away . " Jan nodded slowly . " I could say that that 's not my job , but that would be an evasion . " She smiled . " And I don 't want to teach you to evade the difficult questions . " So , should we prosecute her for crimes committed elsewhere ? Would the United States prosecute anybody for a crime committed here ? We know they wouldn 't . " Many people come here to live in some way they couldn 't live anywhere else . " She smiled . " There 's probably never been a country in human history where so many people are living under new names , names they weren 't born with . A lot of that is just in fun , but perhaps she 's come here to reinvent herself in a more important way . If so , we should give her that chance . " Jan shook her head . " I disagree with that , since she is neither of those things . In any case , I don 't think that 's the solution . Does she deserve death , for what she 's done ? Perhaps . Many who live deserve death . Do her victims , or at least some of them , deserve life ? Probably , but we can 't give it to them , no matter how much we might think they got a raw deal . So , if you can 't restore life to the dead , don 't be too eager to deal out death in judgment to the living . " " My name is David , " said the next student , a plump young man with frizzy hair and glasses . " I 'm sorry if my question isn 't career - oriented , but I have to ask why you dress so funny . " He smiled at his own impudence . " And you were talking about people with phony names . Is Jan Sleet your real name ? " My employer laughed , nearly dropping her cigarette case and her lighter . " I can tell already that a couple of you may end up being reporters , " she said . " First James pins me down on my education , and now this . That was very sharp , so I 'm going to let you get away with asking two questions instead of one . " You 're right , Jan Sleet is not the name I was born with . I was born Janice Stiglianese , but people usually mispronounce it , so I decided it would be good to have a shorter name , for professional use . So , that was a good question . Another thing you learn as a reporter is to be thorough , including asking questions that might seem very obvious . She smiled . " I 'm sorry , you 've used up your questions for now . I 'm sure we 'll get back to this subject . " Our progress through the halls of the school was slow , and Ms . Tumolo 's patience with all the distractions told us that this was not unusual . Our speed seemed to vary between " slow " and " stopped " as people saw friends , popped into offices , looked at bulletin boards , paused to neck with random strangers ( or at least that 's what appeared to be happening , and Ms . Tumolo did move to break up a couple of clinches which seemed likely to occupy one or another of her students for the rest of the day ) , and generally meandered around . We caused a comparatively minor delay ourselves when we passed one door just as it opened and Pete came out . He was looking back over his shoulder , evidently in conversation with somebody behind him , and he walked right into my employer . She lost her balance ( which wasn 't that secure at the best of times ) , and I grabbed her elbow to steady her . David came up to greet Pete , and I noticed that Ms . Tumolo was finally starting to look impatient . She was also , if I was reading her expression correctly , thinking that Pete didn 't really belong in a school in the first place . Apparently Jan noticed this as well , because she said , " We 're just on our way for coffee , Pete . Would you like to join us ? " This would have tickled my employer 's sense of humor , to give the appearance of moving us along , because Ms . Tumolo was getting impatient , and in reality to annoy her for a bit longer with the scruffy presence of Pete . The cafeteria was familiar . We had been to some sort of event there , or perhaps more than one , but I couldn 't recall the details . " In brief , " he said , " science fiction encourages us to imagine other worlds . In most cases , the imagination applied is pretty paltry , but the potential is there , and occasionally it is realized . Mystery stories , on the other hand , are , in a basic sense , about repairing what exists now , about maintaining order . " " Doctor Alexander was performing chemical experiments in the kitchen ? " Jan asked as Roger held out a cup for Pete , who took it and immediately put it on the table . Roger laughed as Ms . Tumolo replied , " No , she teaches literature . She knows even less about chemistry than I do , and she tends to forget that a glass pot on a hot stove will eventually shatter , once its contents have boiled away . " " David , " she said , " that 's an interesting premise . There 's almost certainly some truth to it , at least as far as Ray is concerned . " She smiled , throwing her arms wide . " Sorry to disappoint you , if you thought I was going to start brandishing verbal cudgels in defense of the mystery story . " " Not at all , " she replied , " but I think there 's little point in arguing about things which can never be proven . I am not , after all , a writer of fiction . I 'm a reporter , and what really entrances me is facts , not fictions . Science fiction may expand your mind in some ways , and mystery stories may teach you that human intelligence can solve even apparently impossible conundrums , but what counts is what you do with that information . " " Fair enough , " she said , leaning forward . " Here 's something a bit more specific . I imagine there are millions of science fiction enthusiasts in the world . Would you say that 's accurate ? " " That is a very interesting question , " Jan replied . She looked around at the students . " I 'd like to find out how all of you would answer it . " Jan allowed a grin to flick on and off . " That 's pretty general , I must say . " He laughed as she went on . " I 'd like to hear what everybody else thinks , though . " Jan nodded . " James , that 's very true , and it 's true in two different ways . Were you talking about Doc and Vicki and the others , or about people in general ? " Jan turned and peered at him more closely . " I remember you , " she said slowly . " You were right in front . You threw a rock , and then Doc told you to cool it . " On the side of the small , L - shaped room , there was a stove , and water had obviously been boiled in the new coffee pot . Roger was pouring it over the grounds in the basket in the battered aluminum coffeemaker . I decided not to ask the next question , which was whether any of this machinery had been washed recently . With Roger and the other students behind the counter , and the rest of us on the other side , I had the urge to get a tray and put it on the tracks so I could slide it along and load it up with food . There was no food , of course , but the surroundings were making me realize how hungry I was getting . I hoped that lunch was going to be on the schedule at some point . A second later , I heard Roger groan behind me , and when I turned back he was doubled over , clutching his stomach . He tried to say something , his face pale and sweaty , but his throat was obviously so dry he couldn 't speak . He reached for the cup , which was still half full of soda , but my employer 's long , bony hand shot out and moved it away from him . He looked at her , startled , as she got up and limped quickly around me to stand next to him . She leaned over to peer at his face as he bent over again , moaning . Then she grabbed his hair , yanked his head up , and shoved her fingers down his throat . " Hospital emergency , " I said . " Bring back a nurse with a kit . Tell them it 's most likely poisoning . Give the nurse a ride back on your bike . We 're in the cafeteria . Fast as you can . Go . " Going back down the hall , I saw Willy . He saw me , too , and he tried to get to the staircase , but I caught up with him and grabbed his arm . " Did you get permission to leave the cafeteria ? " I asked , knowing the answer . Roger was lying on his side on one of the long tables , clutching at his stomach . His skin was pale and his eyes were closed . Jan was standing next to him , and I could tell from her posture that he was out of danger , at least for the moment . Amy and Carol were cleaning up the table where he 'd thrown up . My employer smiled when she saw that I had Willy . She gestured at the table where some of the others were sitting , and I pulled him over there and sat him down . I did a quick check and confirmed that the rest were all there : Ms . Tumolo , James , David , and Pete . Other than the nine of us , the large cafeteria was empty . " Also , don 't even try to get away . Marshall can outrun any of you , and he could beat any two of you in a fight . I let the other students leave the room because they were all very young . I doubt if any of them were responsible for this , and some of them were getting upset . That doesn 't apply to you , however . You can be upset or not , as you prefer , but you 're not leaving . " " Let 's start with this , " she said to them . " Your classmate , Roger , has been poisoned . Until we figure this out , nobody should eat or drink anything . Now , do any of you know of a reason for anybody to want to hurt or kill Roger ? " " But it wasn 't his cup of soda , " Pete said . " It was mine , but I hadn 't touched it . How could anybody have - " " Wait , please , " she said . " With any investigation , we start with motive , means , or opportunity . With this one , I 'm starting with motive . " " Please excuse my interruption , " my employer said , " but I will tell you my reason . " I saw her shift her weight , and I knew this meant that her leg was getting tired . I abandoned my post for a moment and brought a chair over to her . I placed it behind her , and she extended her arm slightly , so I took it and helped her to sit down . She thanked me , but she did not take her eyes off the suspects . " My reason is this , " my employer continued . " The question of means is easy to answer , at least for now . I don 't know how many of you saw the box of rat poison in the kitchen , but I did . Opportunity is very difficult . There are several contradictory indications , as I 'm sure you 've all noticed . We will work our way through them in due time , but systematically and logically , not by interrupting each other willy - nilly . And I have some ideas about the question of opportunity , as well as means , but most of you are strangers to me , so I have no idea about motive . So , we 'll start there , because that 's where there 's the most to learn . Jan held up her hand . " It really doesn 't matter . People don 't murder each other because of a crush . After all , a crush is based on hope . It 's if and when that hope is dashed , when we 've been rejected , either in reality or in our imaginations , that murder can happen . " There was another knock at the door . This time it was four students , and they were easier to convince than the teachers had been . I asked one of them to go and make a sign for the door , saying that the cafeteria was closed because of a possible contamination . Which was true , in a way . When I stepped back into the room , my employer was saying , " I 'd like to focus now on two big questions . Either this was an attempt to poison a specific person , or it was a random act of malice , directed against whoever happened to drink from that cup . And , either the cup was poisoned before it was handed to Pete , or after he put it down . I was looking at Pete during the moment it was in his hand , and I can say with confidence that he did not have the opportunity to poison it himself . " " Those things do happen , but I agree that they don 't usually happen in this way . If it was a random act of malice , why was it so focused ? Several of us drank soda , and none of us suffered any ill effects . Except by accident , we might never have even found out that the soda in that particular cup had been poisoned . If it was motiveless malignancy , I think it would have been broader , with more of the cups poisoned . " So , let 's take that as a hypothesis , and see where it takes us . Let 's say it was an attempt to poison Pete , thwarted only by the fact that he doesn 't drink soda . Did anybody here know Pete before today ? " I let him in and pointed at the table where Roger was lying . As he crossed the room , through the sudden silence , he waved at the group at the table , and I realized that he looked a lot like James , the young man who had just spoken . I thought they were probably related , but I never did find out for sure . After a few moments , Jan and the nurse moved a bit away from Roger and conferred . She was still holding the cup of poisoned soda . Then the nurse picked up his medical bag and they crossed the room and went into the kitchen together . I examined the group around the table . They weren 't talking very much and they all looked pretty tense , or at least the students did . I could tell that they were listening to the noises from the kitchen and trying to figure out what was going on in there , but they were trying not to be obvious about it . Ms . Tumolo was looking thoughtful , and Pete seemed completely relaxed , smoking a cigarette . I knew what that meant . " One of the students put a sign on the door , " I said , following her . " We won 't be disturbed . " " So , it 's a bit of a conundrum , but here are two more facts which are very suggestive . One is that the drinks were served in a very particular way . Roger came out and , rather than holding out the tray for each of us to take a cup of soda , he balanced the tray with one hand , which was obviously not easy , and handed a cup to me , and then one to Marshall . We both drank from those cups , and we know the soda in those cups was not poisoned . Then , still balancing the tray in his other hand , he handed the third cup to Pete , who put it down on the table . From then on , people just took cups , there was no further attempt to - " " Wait , " she said , silencing Carol . She stood up slowly , her face stern . She was not only a detective about to reveal an attempted murderer but also also an official of the government , and she was not going to be interrupted again . She started to walk slowly around the table as she spoke . " As I said , that was suggestive , but certainly not definitive . But this , the second fact , is incontrovertible . Based on an analysis of the remaining soda , and considering the amount that Roger drank , it would seem he exaggerated his symptoms , and the speed with which they came on . In fact , he began to exhibit symptoms before he would even have felt any effects from the poison , and how would he have known - " This was , as my employer would have called it , flummery , since the nurse had arrived with a lifesaving kit , not a chemical testing lab . But , as she is fond of pointing out , people expect things to happen as they do in movies and books . So , if you give them that , they tend to believe you . And Roger apparently did believe her , because he jumped up and ran for the door . I was there before him . He aimed a kick at my shin , but I managed to dodge it ( mostly ) and it left him off - balance so I knocked his other foot out from under him , grabbing his wrists . I was about to drop him to the floor and fall on him when I saw a movement out of the corner of my eye . Someone else was moving at me , quickly , so I twisted Roger 's right arm around behind his back , yanked it up between his shoulder blades , hard , and swung him around so he bore the brunt of the attack . A few minutes before , Roger had become sullen and unresponsive when it had become apparent that he couldn 't escape . The nurse had taken him into another room to examine him . There was a possibility that I had dislocated his shoulder , plus he had a couple of deep scratches on his face from when I had used him as a shield against Carol . She had been the attacker I had seen out of the corner of my eye , coming to Roger 's defense . She had burst into tears when she had realized that the only tangible result of her move to assist Roger had been that she herself had injured him . But then she had rallied , with some encouragement from Ms . Tumolo , and she had helped the nurse get Roger out of the room . So , we were sitting around the table again . Jan , Ms . Tumolo , David , Willy , James , Amy , Pete , and me . When Ms . Tumolo asked her question , David made a motion of checking his ( nonexistent ) wristwatch and said , " I think I have a class to teach in a few minutes . If you 'll excuse me . " " That 's a good question . Yes , it was , and it was a sincere attempt to poison Pete . It failed , as we discussed , and Roger would almost certainly have tried again with the coffee if he 'd been alone in the kitchen when it was being served . But we each came in and poured our own , so there was no opportunity . " " That was where I was stumped for a while , I admit . I was trying to think what the connection was . An attempt on Pete 's life , and a later attempt on Roger 's life . What was the link ? There was no indication that they knew each other , apparently no common . . . " Then I saw it . Both scenarios , Pete 's death and Roger 's death , would have had the same final result . Roger would have died . " Ms . Tumolo shook her head . " No it wouldn 't . U - town has no death penalty . . . " Her voice trailed off as she got it . " Pete has a roommate , " she said carefully , " named starling . starling clearly cares very deeply about Pete , and in the past she has killed to protect his life . If Pete was murdered , the logical assumption would be that she would get her revenge on whoever was responsible . How did Roger expect to get away with it , when he was the only person who could have poisoned the cup of soda ? I don 't think he did . I think he was counting on not getting away with it . I think he wanted to die . " Pete sighed and ran his fingers through his long hair . " It would not , I admit , be the first time somebody has tried to commit suicide using Katherine . " He shook his head . " So , " my employer continued after a moment , " I had a theory which accounted for all the available facts . Roger wanted to commit suicide , but didn 't have the nerve to do it himself . He poisoned the soda , which only he was in a position to do , but Pete doesn 't drink soda . He couldn 't poison the coffee , because we all came into the kitchen to pour our own . Then he decided to drink the poisoned soda himself , to end his life that way , but he lost his nerve and only drank half , then he displayed exaggerated symptoms so that he 'd get help . It all fit , but I had no evidence . " " To some extent , that 's going to be up to you , all of you , including Roger and Carol . Nobody is going to come and arrest him , at least not now . " She leaned back in her chair . " Ms . Tumolo , with your permission , I 'd like to assign your class some homework . " The teacher nodded . " This is going to be due the day after tomorrow at nine a . m . You know Roger , all of you , and I 'm sure at least some of you will have an idea about why this happened . My assignment to all of you , including Roger and Carol , is to think about this , and talk about it , and make a recommendation , a real one , about what should be done , both about this specific situation and in order to alleviate the condition or conditions which might have led to it , whatever you think they might have been . " So , we will be back , the day after tomorrow , first thing in the morning . I look forward to hearing what you will come up with . If I think it 's wrong or inadequate , I 'll say so , but you will get a chance to argue for your position . I 'm also going to see if Ray Stone can come with me . I 'm sure he 'll have something to contribute . " Ms . Tumolo nodded . " I must admit that I think you handled Roger in the right way . He 's not a criminal , he 's just troubled . I knew that already , though I had no idea how bad it was . " She turned to Pete . " In my opinion , though , it should be up to you . You were the victim , or you were supposed to be , and , if you think he should be punished , then he should be punished . It 's a shame that he wanted to end his life , but there 's no excuse for trying to do it by killing you . " Ms . Tumolo watched him for a minute , waiting to see if he 'd say more , then she said , " No , I don 't suppose you would , would you ? This is what does bother me . Quite a bit . Do you want to hear the truth ? " She nodded , not looking at him . " It bothers me that she 's walking around free as a bird . Roger isn 't a criminal , but she is , and a lunatic , too . Is he going to tell her about this ? Is she going to come down and shoot my students ? " She walked out , and Pete puffed on his cigarette . " She won 't do anything , you know , " he said quietly . Jan nodded . " I know . I 've been reading the reports on her therapy sessions with Ray . " " That 's true . Not that it matters anyway . He seems to be effective , even though he claims he has no idea what he 's doing . I gather he hasn 't had any training or anything . " Jan laughed . " If you 're trying to be a surgeon , that would be a problem . With therapy . . . well , I studied psychology in college , and it is , to say the least , not an exact science . " She shook her head . " I do have to apologize , though , Pete . If I hadn 't invited you to join us for coffee , none of this would have happened . " He chuckled . " And if you hadn 't decided that all of us should go and get our own coffee from the kitchen , I 'd probably be dead . So , I 'd say we 're square . " She nodded . " That sounds fair . " She hesitated then , and Pete chuckled . " I 've seen that look before , " he said . " What 's your question ? " She laughed . " Nothing criminal . I 'm just wondering why you 're here in the school in the first place . You seemed reluctant to talk about it when we got here , but I 'm assuming , or at least hoping , that it doesn 't actually involve schoolgirls . " He shook his head , smiling . " No schoolgirls , except as students . No , I 'm teaching a class . " He noted her expression . " Not music . Nineteenth century English novels . " He leaned forward conspiratorially . " I try to keep it quiet , but I do have a Master 's degree in English literature . " " Ah , " she said , absorbing this . " But if you are trying to conceal this . . . blot on your character , then why are you teaching in the first place ? " " Well , to be honest , it is my own fault . I was drinking in Duffy 's one night , and I 'm afraid I was being pretty opinionated , and , well , a bet was proposed , that I was okay in an informal situation like that , but that I wouldn 't be able to teach a college - level class . " He looked sheepish . " Katherine wasn 't there to dissuade me , so I accepted . " When I got home she pointed out that there was no way I 'd ever get paid no matter what , given the deadbeats in question , but I can 't back out on that basis . I was hoping that the school administration would reject me for some reason , but they seemed very glad to have my services . So , here I am . " Jan hesitated for a moment , then she said , " I do have one more question though , Pete . What if you had been hurt or killed ? What would starling have done then ? " This was overstepping , and we all knew it , but sometimes her reporter 's instincts get the better of her . Pete stood up , dropping his cigarette to the floor and stubbing it out with his toe . " I have my opinion , " he said carefully , " but that 's all it is , and I think I will reserve it . " He stood and stretched . Jan nodded . " Fair enough . Have a good day , Pete . " She looked miffed , but she knew I was right . With the mystery solved , and with no food since breakfast , she was due for a collapse . She glanced at me , considering whether she should argue one more time . " I had a comment and a couple of questions , actually , " I said . She frowned thoughtfully . " I can guess at the questions , " she said , " but what is the comment ? " " Ron ? " She frowned . " Doesn 't she go to school ? " I shook my head . " Why not ? " " Because we don 't make her go . " " Ah . " She absorbed this , then she smiled . " So , what were your questions ? " " Well , one was that I noticed a flaw in your reasoning . " " No , later . You implied that starling is allowed to walk around freely because of what you 've seen in the reports from Ray . But then a minute later you were talking about your low opinion of psychology . There must be more to it , isn 't there ? You wouldn 't base a life - and - death decision on such an inexact science . " " That 's Doc 's answer , " she said , ignoring the menus , " so that 's the policy . Vicki has argued for a tougher approach , but I had to tell them that I think we need to keep starling on our side . We need her to be free and armed and comfortable . " She shook her head . " No , that 's not it , " she said . " Things are going to happen in the future , I don 't know what , and we will need her help . And , if we push her away now , we won 't be able to get her back when we need her . " She smiled . " Even starling may have a part to play , before the end . " " I don 't think so , " I said slowly , wondering what I was missing . She laughed . " I 'm referring to the teapot that never whistled . You remember , Roger said he 'd put up the second pot of water , but it never did whistle . " She shrugged . " Just another indication in Roger 's direction . But if that wasn 't your question , what was ? " " True , but here 's what we didn 't talk about . You were the one who suggested we go into the kitchen , instead of waiting for him to bring it to the table . Was that deliberate , did you know you were saving Pete 's life , or was that just luck ? " |
" I met your father in school , about the same time you met Simon . Everyone should have a friend like that in their lives . But he wasn 't that friend to me - Luke was . We were always together . In fact , at first , I hated Valentine , because he took Luke away from me . Valentine was the most popular student at school . He was everything you 'd expect of a natural leader - handsome , brilliant , with the sort of charisma that led the younger students to worship him . He was kind enough , but there was something about him even then that I found frightening - he glittered , but with a sort of cold brilliance , like a diamond . And like a diamond , he had a sharp and cutting edge . When he was seventeen , his father was killed in a raid on a lycanthrope pack . It wasn 't a standard raid - the pack had done nothing to break the Law , but I didn 't find that out until years later . None of did . What we did know was that Valentine returned to school utterly changed . You could see his sharp edges all the time now , the danger in him . And he began to recruit . He drew other students to him , like moths to light - and like moths , their yearning for him would prove the ruin of many of them in the end . He brought Hodge to him , and Maryse and Robert Lightwood - the Penhallows , the Waylands . They came and clustered around him and did his bidding . He approached me many times , but I stood apart from it all , watching , suspicious . And then he came for Luke . . . I know Luke often wondered why Valentine wanted him in the Circle . He wasn 't much of a warrior at the time , not a born fighter . I never told him this , but I sometimes thought that Valentine saw him as a means to an end . A means to me . . . Valentine was someone who always knew what he wanted . And he wanted me . I never knew why . The first time I noticed him watching me across the practice yard , I knew . The look on his face - it wasn 't wistful , or yearning , it was calculating and sure . The look of someone who runs their eyes over a menu and knows exactly what they want to order . His cold desire frightened me . But when he drew Luke to him , and Luke spoke so rapturously of his brilliance and his kindness , I knew I could no longer stand apart . I had to join the Circle , to see what it was that had drawn my friend into it . In some ways , Valentine - your father - was exactly as Luke had described him . The Circle would meet each night , often in the deserted practice yard or out in the forest , under the trees , and Valentine would hold forth on his pet topics : demons , Downworlders , and what he called the perverting of the laws of the Clave . As far as he was concerned , the Angel had never wanted us to live in peace with Downworlders , but to wipe them off the face of the planet along with demons . The Accords were a travesty ; we had never been meant to live in harmony with " half - men . " His words were fiery , but his demeanor was - kind . He had a way of making you feel as if you were the only person on earth who mattered to him , the only one whose opinion he truly respected . His beliefs were absolute and so was his dedication to the Circle . I 've come to see it as evil fanaticism since , but at the time his conviction fascinated me . He seemed to be full of passion . I could see what Luke saw in him . Soon enough , I was half in love with him myself . But so were all the girls in the Circle and probably some of the boys , too . You don 't belong to something like that - a cult of personality - without being a little in love with your leader . Valentine started asking me to stay after the meetings , just to talk with him . He said he valued my practical mind and dispassionate intelligence . I could tell the other girls were jealous . I 'm sure they thought - well , you can imagine what they thought . But nothing was happening between us . Valentine really did just want to talk - about the future , about the Law , about the Circle and where it was going . In the end , I was the one who gave up and kissed him first . " ' I knew it , ' was the first thing he said , and then he said , ' I 've always loved you , Jocelyn . ' And you know , he meant it . We stayed out all night in the woods then , talking . He told me how he envisioned we would lead the Circle together , forever . He told me he couldn 't do it without me . He said , ' I always knew you 'd come to love me as well , I had no doubt . ' " I had no idea why it was me that he chose . It seemed to me that there was nothing special about me . But Valentine made his choice clear : from that moment on , we were together , and he never looked at another woman , not that way , not then and not in all the years we were married . The other girls stopped speaking to me , but it seemed a small price to pay . Luke - Luke was happy for me . I was a little surprised at that , I had wondered - but he was happy . I could tell . " There was a girl in our class who wanted to join the Circle . Her older brother had been bitten by a vampire , and now was one : he should have killed himself , or let his family kill him , but he hadn 't and it was rumored that they still associated with him . Valentine gave her a sharpened metal spike and told her to go out and stake her brother to death and to bring back his ashes ; only then could she be allowed in the Circle . The girl ran off crying . I confronted him later , told him he couldn 't be so cruel or he 'd be no better than Downworlders themselves . ' But he 's a monster , ' he said . I told him that her brother might well be a monster , but she wasn 't . She was Nephilim , and there was no excuse for torturing her . I thought I was being so broad - minded and tolerant - it sickens me to think about it now . " I thought he would be angry at being reprimanded , but he wasn 't . He subsided . ' I 'm afraid of losing myself in all this sometimes , Jocelyn , ' he said . ' It 's why I need you . You keep me human . ' It was the truth . I could always turn him away from the most extreme plans , deflect his rage , calm him down . No one else could do that . I knew I had this power over him and it made me feel important , indispensable . I think I mistook that feeling for love . . . After we left school , we were married in the Hall of Accords , with all our friends there . Even then , I had misgivings . I looked up during the ceremony and saw through the glass roof , a flock of birds flying overhead . I felt a sudden panic , so strong that my heart fluttered in my chest like the wings of one of those birds . I knew my life would never be the same . I tried to catch Luke 's eye - he stood with his sister , in the first row of guests , and though Amatis smiled in my direction , Luke wouldn 't look at me . . . We went to live in a manor in the countryside outside Alicante that my parents owned , though since they 'd grown older they 'd moved to a canal house inside the city . Valentine himself had grown up in a house just at the borders of Brocelind forest , but he claimed it had fallen into disrepair since his parents ' deaths , and I was happy enough to live in the manor house . We were only a quarter of a mile from the home of our friends the Waylands - convenient for Valentine , since Michael Wayland was one of the most enthusiastic members of the Circle , and visiting the Waylands kept us from being too much with each other at all times . They say men change after marriage . Whether Valentine changed or whether I simply began to more clearly see his true nature , I 'm not sure . He became more and more obsessed with his cause and more and more vicious in its execution . He maintained the fiction that he never killed a Downworlder who hadn 't broken the Accords , but I knew that wasn 't true . One night he led the Circle to slaughter a family of werewolves in their home , claiming that they had been murdering human children and burning their bodies , and indeed in the fireplace we found many charred bones . Later I overheard Valentine chuckling to Hodge that it was easy enough to obtain human bones in the Bone City , if one cared to look for them . He began to disappear from our bed late at night , doing his best not to wake me ; he would come back at dawn , stinking of blood and worse . I found bloody clothes in the laundry , strange wounds and scratches on his hands and arms . I would be awoken at night by cries and screams that seemed to be coming from inside the walls of the house . I confronted him with these things , demanded that he tell me what he was really doing every night . But he just laughed . ' You 're imagining things , Jocelyn , ' he said . ' It 's probably because of the baby . ' I stared at him . ' Because of the baby ? What baby ? ' He was right , of course . I was pregnant . He 'd known it before I did . I tried to quash my fears , told myself that he was only trying to protect me . Circle meetings were no place for a pregnant woman , he said , so I remained at home . I was so lonely - I begged Luke to visit me , but he rarely had the time . The Circle and its dealings kept him busy . But how could I complain ? Valentine was an extraordinarily attentive husband , never letting me lift a hand myself , bringing me strengthening drinks he 'd mixed himself , and strong , sweet tea every night that put me right to sleep . And if sometimes I woke up with odd injuries or bruises , well , Valentine told me it was because I had been sleepwalking - a common ailment among pregnant women , he assured me . And then one night I was awoken by a terrific banging on the door . I raced downstairs and found Valentine standing on the front steps , holding - he was holding Luke , carrying him like a child , and blood was all over both of them . Valentine was swaying on his feet with exhaustion . ' Werewolf attack , ' he said . ' It might be too late - ' " But I wouldn 't hear that it was too late . I helped him drag Luke upstairs to a spare room , and sent a message to Ragnor Fell , the warlock my parents often employed in the case of illness . Lycanthrope bites don 't respond to healing runes - there 's too much demonic about them . Luke was screaming and thrashing and soaking the sheets with blood ; I kept sponging the blood off his shoulder , but more would come , and then more . Valentine stood beside him , looking down . ' Maybe I should have left him to die , ' he said , his black eyes burning , ' maybe that would be more merciful than what 's coming to him . ' " ' Don 't say that , ' I told him . ' Don 't ever say that . Not all bites result in lycanthropy . ' " And then Fell was there , and Valentine left aside his talk of abandoning Luke and stood aside while we treated him . I slept in Luke 's room that night , and in the morning he was awake and healthy and able to smile . " Not that any of us did much smiling in the next three weeks . They 'll tell you there 's a one in two chance that a werewolf bite will pass on lycanthropy . I think it 's more like three in four . I 've rarely seen anyone escape the disease , and however much I silently prayed in those horrible weeks , Luke was no exception . At the next full moon , he Changed . He was there on our doorstep in the morning , covered in blood , his clothes torn to rags . I put my arms out for him , but Valentine shouldered me aside . ' Jocelyn , ' he said , ' the baby . ' As if Luke were about to run at me and tear the baby out of my stomach , as if he meant me any harm at all . It was Luke , but Valentine pushed me away and dragged Luke down the steps and into the woods . " I gave him a knife and told him to do what he must . If he has honor , he 'll do as I said . ' I knew what he meant . He had told Luke to kill himself , and Luke would almost assuredly do it . I think I must have fainted . I remember a terrible icy darkness , and then waking up in my own bed , with Valentine beside me . He was stroking his hair . ' Don 't mourn for him now , ' he said , ' we should have mourned him weeks ago , when he truly died . What was on our doorstep this morning , that was not Lucian . ' " But I didn 't believe him . I had seen Luke 's eyes as he looked at me that morning , even out of that mask of blood . I would have known those eyes anywhere , and they didn 't belong to a monster . I knew then , with a terrible certainty , that in losing Luke I had lost the most important thing in my life . A terrible misery descended on me . If it hadn 't been for the sake of the baby , I don 't think I would have eaten or slept again in those next , terrible months . My only hope was the chance that Luke hadn 't taken his own life , but had simply fled . I went to Amatis in hopes that she would help me search for him , but she had her own torments to contend with . Valentine had taken Stephen on as his new lieutenant in Luke 's place , but could not tolerate Stephen 's marriage to Amatis . He claimed it was because she had objected to his treatment of her brother , but I felt it was because seeing Amatis awakened his guilt over Luke . In either case , he convinced Stephen to divorce her and remarry a beautiful young girl named Céline . Amatis was devastated , so much so that she refused to see me , blaming me along with Valentine for her unhappiness . And so I lost yet another friend . In despair , I went to Ragnor Fell and begged him to look out for news of Luke among Downworlders . He was silent a long time after I asked him . Finally he said , ' There are those who would look very badly upon me for helping you . ' ' That was when you were Jocelyn Fairchild . Now you are Jocelyn Morgenstern , Valentine 's wife . ' He said Valentine 's name as if it were poison . ' That is not true , ' said Fell , ' and he does worse things than kill . If I do this for you , if I look for Lucian Graymark , you must do something for me . One night , you must follow your husband and see where he goes . ' " And so I did . One night , I only pretended to drink the tea he brought me , and pretended to fall asleep by his side . When he rose and left the room , I followed him . I saw him go into the library and take a book from the wall , and when he removed it the wall slid away and left a dark hole behind . . . I never told you the story of Bluebeard 's wife , did I , when you were a little girl ? I doubt I would have ; the story still frightens me . The husband who told his wife never to look in the locked room , and she looked , and found the remains of all of the wives he had murdered before her , displayed like butterflies in a glass case . I was afraid - but I had promised Fell . I had to find out what Valentine was doing . One night I waited for him to leave the house , and I went to the library and withdrew the book from its place . " I used my witchlight to guide me down into the darkness . The smell - oh , the smell down there , like blood and death and rotting . He had hollowed out a place under the ground , in what had once been the wine cellars . There were cells down there now , with things imprisoned in them . Demon - creatures , bound with electrum chains , writhed and flopped and gurgled in their cells , but there was more , much more - the bodies of Downworlders , in different stages of death and dying . There were werewolves , their bodies half - dissolved by silver powder . Vampires held head - down in holy water until their skin peeled off the bones . Faeries whose skin had been pierced with cold iron . Even now , I don 't think of him as a torturer . Not really . It wasn 't that he enjoyed their pain . He seemed to be pursuing an almost scientific end . There were ledgers of notes by each cell door , meticulous recordings of his experiments , how long it had taken each creature to die . From his scribblings , it looked almost as if he were injecting the blood of demons into these creatures - but he couldn 't be doing that . What sane person would do that ? There was one vampire whose skin he had burned off over and over again to see if there was a point beyond which the poor creature could no longer regenerate . Across from the page recording that particular experiment he had written a series of notes with a heading I recognized . It was my name . Jocelyn . My heart began to slam inside my chest . With shaking fingers , I turned the pages , the words burning themselves into my brain . Jocelyn drank the mixture again tonight . No visible changes in her , but again it is the child which concerns me . . . With regular infusions of demonic ichor such as I have been giving her , the child may be capable of any feats . . . . Last night I heard the child 's heart beat , more strongly than any human heart , the sound like a mighty bell , tolling the beginning of a new generation of Shadowhunters , the blood of angels and demons mixed to produce powers beyond any previously imagined possible . . . no longer will the power of Downworlders be the greatest on this earth . . . There was more , much more . I clawed at the pages , my fingers trembling , my mind racing back , seeing the mixtures Valentine had given me to drink each night , the bruises on my body in the morning , the puncture wounds . I shook all over , so hard the book fell out of my hands and struck the floor . The sound woke me from my daze . I raced up the stairs , through the gap in the bookcase , and into the bedroom . In a frenzy , I began packing my things , throwing only that which was most important to me into a bag . I had some vague plan of running to my parents ' house , you see , and begging them to let me stay with them . But I never got that far . I closed the bag , turned toward the door - and there was Valentine , watching me silently from the doorway . My nerves , already on edge , snapped like broken strings . I screamed and dropped the bag to the ground , backing away from my husband . He didn 't move , but I saw his eyes shine like a cat 's in the early dawn light . " What is the meaning of this Jocelyn ? " I couldn 't lie . " I discovered your door in the bookcase , " I told him . " And I found what was under it . Your butcher 's theater . " " And what am I ? Am I a monster ? " I screamed at him . " What have you done to me ? What have you done to our baby ? " " Nothing that will harm him . I assure you he 's quite healthy . " Valentine 's face was like a still white mask . How had I never before seen how monstrous he could look ? And still his voice never rose , never changed as he told me of his experiments , of the ways he 'd tried to teach himself to more effectively destroy Downworlders , to wipe them out in mass numbers . He 'd even tried injecting them with demon blood - but to his surprise , it hadn 't had the desired effect . Instead of proving fatal , it had made them stronger , faster , and more able to withstand the damage he tried to do to them . " If it has that effect on half - men , " he said , his face shining , " think what it could do for Shadowhunters . " " I experimented on myself first , " he said calmly , and told me how he had injected demon blood into his own veins . " It 's made me stronger , faster , " he announced , " but I 'm a grown man - think what it will do for an infant ! The warrior who might develop from that - " " You 're insane , " I told him , trembling . " All this time I thought I was keeping you human , but you 're not human . You 're a monster - worse than any of those pathetic things down in the cellar . " He was a monster - I knew it - and yet , somehow , he managed to look deeply hurt at what I 'd said . He reached for me . I tried to dash around him and out the door but he caught at my arm . I stumbled and fell , striking the ground hard . As I tried to rise , a searing pain shot through me . Feeling my clothes sticking to me , wet and heavy , I looked down at saw that I was lying in a spreading circle of my own blood . I began to scream even as consciousness slipped away from me . I awoke in my own bed , dazed and desperately thirsty . " Jocelyn , Jocelyn , " said a voice in my ear . It was my mother . She stroked my hair back off my forehead and gave me water . " We were so worried , " she said . " Valentine called for us - " I glanced down then , and saw my flat stomach . " My baby , " I whispered , tears burning the backs of my eyes . " He - died ? " " Oh , Jocelyn ! No ! " My mother sprang to her feet and hurried over to something in the corner . A cradle - my cradle , the same one I 'd lain in after I was born . She lifted a blanket - wrapped bundle from it and came carefully over to me , cradling her burden in her arms . " Here , " she said , smiling . " Hold your son . " I took him from her in a daze . At first I knew only that he fit perfectly into my arms , that the blanket wrapping him was soft , and that he was so small and delicate , with just a wisp of fair hair on the top of his head . I began to breathe again - and then he opened his eyes . They say every mother knows her own child instinctively . I suppose the opposite is true as well . Every nerve in my body was screaming that this was not my baby , that something horrible and unnatural and inhuman lay in my arms like a parasite . How could my mother not see it ? - and yet she was smiling at me as if nothing was wrong . " He 's such a good baby , " she said . " He never cries . " " His name is Jonathan , " said a voice from the doorway . I looked up and saw Valentine regarding the tableau before him with a nearly impassive expression , though the faint smirk on his face told me he knew there was something dreadfully wrong with this child . " Jonathan Christopher . " The baby opened his eyes , as if recognizing the sound of his own name . His eyes were black , black as night , fathomless as tunnels dug into his skull . I could look right into them and see only a terrible emptiness . When I woke much later , my mother was gone . Valentine had sent her home - I 've no idea how he got her to leave - and he himself was sitting on the edge of the bed , holding the baby and watching me . Your father 's eyes were black , too , and I 'd always found them striking , so at odds with his nearly - white hair , but now they only reminded me of the baby 's . I shrank back from both of them . " He is your child . Your blood , your flesh . And if you don 't feed him , Jocelyn , he 'll die . " He laid the child down on the blankets beside me and left the room . I stared at the small creature for a long time . He looked like a baby - his small fists and creased , tiny face , even the white fuzz on his head , were all babylike . His tunnel eyes were closed , his mouth open in a silent , mewling cry . I tried to imagine simply leaving him there , leaving him until he starved to death , and my heart seemed to turn to glass inside my chest . I couldn 't do it . I lifted Jonathan in my arms . Even as I touched him , the same wave of revulsion and horror went through me that I had felt before , but this time I fought it down . I drew my nightdress aside and prepared to feed my son . Perhaps there was something in this child , some small part of me , of what was human , that could somehow be reached . Over the next months , I cared for Jonathan as best I could . My own body seemed to revolt against him . I produced no milk and had to feed him by bottle . I could only hold him for short periods of time before I began to feel faint and sick , as if I were standing too close to something radioactive . My mother came and cared for him sometimes , which was an immense relief . She seemed to notice nothing wrong with the child , though sometimes I would catch her staring toward his crib with a quizzical look , an unasked question in her eyes . . . But who could ask such things ? Who could even bear to think them ? Jonathan looked like a perfectly ordinary child ; when I brought him to his first Circle meeting , carried in my arms , everyone told me how beautiful he was , with his extraordinary coloring , just like his father 's . Michael Wayland was there too , with his baby boy , just the same age as mine . They even shared a name : Jonathan . I watched Michael play with his son and felt sick with envy and hatred for Valentine . How could he have done what he had done ? What kind of man did something like that to his own family ? " By the Angel , what he 'll be capable of when he 's older , " he would breathe sometimes , leaning over Jonathan in his cradle , and the baby would gurgle . It was almost the only time Jonathan made any noise . He was a silent child , who never cried or laughed , but if he responded to anything , it was Valentine . Perhaps it was the demon in them both . It was around that time that I received a message in secret from Ragnor Fell . It asked me to meet him at his cottage . I rode there on a day when Valentine was at the home of Stephen Herondale , leaving Jonathan with my mother . Fell met me at the gate . " Lucian Graymark is alive , " he said , without preamble , and I almost fell off my horse . I begged Fell to tell me what he knew . He only looked at me coldly . " And what of what you know , Jocelyn Morgenstern ? Did you do as I asked you and follow your husband one night ? " " He 's alive , " Fell said , " and the leader of a wolf pack at the eastern edge of Brocelynde . " As I listened incredulously , he told me how Luke had defeated the old wolf who had bitten him , slain him in battle and become pack leader himself . " The tale is all over Downworld , " he said . " The pack leader who used to be a Shadowhunter . " Fell shook his head . " No . I 've done enough for you , Jocelyn . You say you hate Valentine , but still you do nothing . I 'll help you - I 'll bring you to Lucian - but only if you 're willing to commit to the cause of destroying Valentine and the Circle . Otherwise , I suggest you get on your horse and ride home . " " Valentine 's weakness is his arrogance , " said Fell . " And you are our best weapon because of it . You are as close to Valentine as anyone could be . You can infiltrate the Circle , gather information , find out his soft spots and weaknesses . Learn their plans . You can be the perfect spy . " And that was how I came to be a spy in my own house . I agreed to everything Fell asked - I would have agreed to anything just to be able to see Luke again . At the end of our meeting , I gave Fell my promise , and he gave me a map . When I rode into Luke 's werewolf encampment , I thought at first that I would certainly be killed . I was sure they recognized me as the wife of Valentine Morgenstern , their greatest enemy . " I must see your pack leader , " I said , as they surrounded my horse . " Lucian Graymark . He 's an old friend of mine . " And then Luke came out of one of the tents and ran toward me . He looked - he was still Luke , but he had changed . He seemed older . There was gray in his hair , though he was only twenty - two . He took me in his arms and embraced me and there was nothing strange about it , about being embraced by a werewolf . It was just Luke . He admitted that he hadn 't known how loyal I was to Valentine , or how much he could trust me . " But I know I can trust you now , " he said , with his old smile . " You came all the way here to find me . " I told him as much as I could , of Valentine 's growing madness and violence , of my disenchantment with him . I couldn 't tell him all of it , of the horrors in the cellars , of what Valentine had done to me and to our child . I knew it would just drive him mad , that he 'd be unable to stop himself from trying to hunt down Valentine and kill him , and he 'd only get himself killed in the process . And I couldn 't let anyone know what had been done to Jonathan . Despite everything , he was still my child . Luke and I agreed to keep meeting and to trade information about what was going on within the Circle . I told him when they allied themselves with demons , and when the Mortal Cup was stolen , and I told him of their plans to disrupt the planned Accords . Those times with Luke were the only times I could be myself . The rest of the time I was acting - acting the wife with Valentine , and acting the content Circle member with our friends . Not letting Valentine know how much he sickened me was the worst part . Fortunately I saw him rarely . As the Accords approached , the Circle ramped up its plans to fall upon the unarmed Downworlders in the Hall of the Angel and slaughter them wholesale . I sat silent in the meetings , unable to participate in the eager planning , however much I knew it would behoove me to act the part of an dedicated member of the cabal . Céline Herondale , who was now extremely pregnant , often sat with me ; she was frequently wistful , confused by the Circle 's enthusiasm . Though she never quite understood their passionate hatred of Downworlders , she worshipped Valentine . " Your husband is so kind , " she would tell me in her soft voice . " He is so concerned about Stephen and me . He gives me potions and mixtures for the health of the baby , they are wonderful . " What she said chilled me . I wanted to tell her not to trust Valentine or to accept anything he gave her , but I couldn 't . Her husband was Valentine 's closest friend and she would surely have betrayed me to him . My terror of exposure grew daily - I was smuggling information to Luke as fast as I could , constantly panicked that a misstep would betray me to my husband . I saw him whenever I could . I kept with him a suitcase of my most precious belongings , in case we ever needed to flee Idris together - jewelry Valentine had given me , that I hoped one day to be able to sell if I needed money ; letters from my parents and friends ; a box my father had made for my son , with his initials carved on it , containing a lock of Jonathan 's hair - soft , silky white hair , the same color as his father 's . You 'd never know from looking at it that there was anything wrong with my child at all . . . I became more and more frightened that Valentine would discover our secret conspiracy and would try to torture the truth out of me - who was in our secret alliance ? How much had I betrayed of his plans ? I wondered how I would withstand torture , whether I could hold up against it . I was terribly afraid that I could not . I resolved finally to take steps to make sure that this never happened . I went to Fell with my fears and he created a potion for me that would send me instantly into a sleep from which I could not be roused except by an antidote whose recipe was contained in The Book of the White , one of the oldest spellbooks of warlock - kind . He gave me a vial of the potion and another vial of the antidote and instructed me to hide them from Valentine , which I did . I was even worried that Valentine would find a copy of the Book , so one night I went through the tunnels between our house and the Waylands ' , and hid it in their library . After that , I slept easier , save for one thing . I feared that I would take the potion , fall into the death - like sleep , and that there would be no one to wake me from it , no one who knew what had happened to me . I thought of the end of Romeo and Juliet and imagined being buried alive . . . but who was there who I could trust with this information ? I couldn 't tell Luke what I 'd done , because he might also be compromised and tortured , and selfishly , I feared too much for him , for his safety . Telling my parents would necessitate sharing with them the full horror of my situation , and I couldn 't do that . I trusted none of my old friends any more - not Maryse , not any of them . They were too much in Valentine 's thrall . Eventually , I realized there was only one person I could tell . I sent a letter to Madeleine explaining what I planned to do and the only way to revive me . I never heard a word back from her , though I knew my message had been delivered . I had to believe she had read it and understood . It was all I had to hold on to . It was around that time that Stephen Herondale was killed in a raid on a vampire nest . Valentine and the others who had been in the raiding party went to the Herondale 's home to break the news to Celine . She was eight months pregnant at the time . They said she took the news composedly , only saying she wanted to go upstairs and get her things before going to view the body . It was a tragedy that shook the Circle . I heard that Stephen 's parents , after the death of their son and the suicide of their daughter - in - law , had nearly lost their minds ; Stephen 's father died a month or two later , presumably of the shock . I pitied Celine , but in a way envied her . She had found a way out of her situation ; I had none . A few nights later I was woken by the sound of a baby crying . I sat bolt upright and nearly flung myself out of bed . Jonathan , you see , never cried - never made a noise . His unnatural silence was one of the things that most distressed me about him . I must be the only mother in history to have hoped against hope that her baby would cry and wake her , would cry all night even , but he never did . And yet now the sound of an infant 's cries echoed off the manor walls . I hurried down the hall to the baby 's room , carrying my witchlight . It cast strange shadows on the walls as I bent over Jonathan . He was sleeping silently . Yet the crying continued , thin and reedy , the sound of a child in distress tearing at my heart . I raced down the steps and into the empty library . I could still hear the crying , coming from inside the walls . I reached for the book in its place on the shelf . . . Nothing happened . The bookcase no longer slid back from its place . And still the crying came , as if from beneath the house , or within the walls , maddening me . But this manor house had been mine longer than it had been Valentine 's ; I had spent every summer here when I was a girl . If my husband didn 't think I 'd explored the place thoroughly in those years , he was wrong . I dragged back the Persian rug that covered the library floor . Beneath it was a trapdoor that opened so easily I knew it had been recently used . Tunnels under Shadowhunter houses are not uncommon ; they are used in case of demon attacks , as a way of getting from one house to another in secret . This tunnel had once connected our manor house to the Waylands ' , but my father had boarded the tunnel up . It had been opened out again now , doubtless by Valentine , and the narrow stone walls led away into darkness . I could still hear the sound of the baby crying in the distance . . . I followed the noise , barefoot on the cold stone , stopping occasionally with a gasp when a rat or mouse scuttled across my path . Eventually the tunnels opened out into a large stone room , what had probably once been a wine cellar . Huddled in the corner of the room was a man - but he was not a man , I saw , staring , for wings as white as snow rose from his back in two great ivory arches , and his skin glowed like liquid metal . His eyes were golden , and so sad . . . His ankles were manacled with electrum and electrum chains , driven into the stone floor , held him to the ground , but what truly imprisoned him was the circle of runes that surrounded him . I felt myself drift toward him , drawn by an impossibly strong force . As I approached I saw that stretched on a blanket at his feet was the baby I had heard crying . It was whimpering softly now - exhausted , probably - a tiny baby boy with golden hair and eyes shut fast . I sank to my knees , gathering the child in my arms , and as my arms went around him the strangest feeling passed through me - the opposite of what I had felt when I had first held Jonathan . A feeling of overwhelming peace . . . How long I held and rocked the child , I cannot say . At last I looked up and saw the angel - for I knew that was what he was - gazing down at us , his golden eyes impassive . As I met his gaze , I knew his name suddenly : Ithuriel . I told myself it had been a dream . The sort of vivid , hallucinatory dream a woman has when she is pregnant - and I was pregnant . I had denied it to myself for at least a month , but that morning when I woke I knew , and a visit to a doctor confirmed it . I was going to have a child - again . I was horrified . I knew what Valentine had done to my last child - what would he do to this one ? How long had he known I was pregnant ? I said nothing to him , but he would turn knowing eyes on me sometimes , his gaze going through me like a knife through water . He knew - oh , he knew . . . The day of the Uprising came . That terrible day . I know you 've heard about what happened from Luke : about the Accords , the ambush , the bloody and protracted battle that followed . I tried to mark out the Shadowhunters who weren 't involved in the Circle so that the members of the Uprising wouldn 't hurt them , but there was so much chaos - so much blood - many lives were lost , more than we had ever thought . And there at the end I faced Valentine with Luke at my side and saw the truth come clear in his eyes . I had wondered all along if he knew what I truly felt and what I 'd really been doing for this last year of our marriage - but I saw it now on his face - he hadn 't known . The pain in his eyes as he looked at me was real , and despite everything it struck at my heart . " And now the two of you have plotted my betrayal together , " he snarled , his face flecked with blood . " You will regret what you have done all the rest of your lives . " Luke lunged at him , but Valentine snatched the silver locket from my throat and hurled it at Luke , burning him badly . He staggered back as Valentine seized hold of me and dragged me toward the door . He was snarling horrible things in my ear , things about what he would do to my parents , to Jonathan , how he would make my life a hell for what I 'd done to him . I abandoned the battle , the wounded , all of it , and raced home . I was too late . Luke will have told you what we found - I remember it myself as if it were a dream . The high black sky overhead , the moon so bright I could see everything : the house turned to ashes by demon fire , hot enough to melt metal , which ran in among the ashes like rivers of molten silver across the bare face of the moon . I found the bones of my parents there , and the bones of my child , and then , at last , the bones of Valentine himself , the Circle pendant he always wore still looped around his fleshless throat . . . Luke took me out of the city that night . I was numb and silent , like the living dead . I kept seeing the faces of my parents over and over again - I should have warned them . I should have told them what Valentine was capable of . I should have told them of the plans for the Uprising . I never thought . . . And I dreamed sometimes of my baby . I saw his face even when awake , the empty tunnels of his gaze , and I felt again the revulsion and horror I 'd felt the first time I touched him . And I knew I was a monster , for feeling that way . What mother , on learning of the death of her child , cannot help a feeling of - relief ? In the flea market at Clignancourt , I sold Valentine 's Circle amulet , a revolting object which I hated looking at . It afforded me a great deal of money . With the money , I bought an airplane ticket to New York . I told Luke I was going to start my life over there - as a mundane . I wanted no shadow of Clave or Covenant ever to touch my life again , or the life of my child . I hated all things remotely associated with the Nephilim , I told him . This was only partly true . I was sick of the Clave , that was the truth , and I knew that as Valentine 's wife , now that he was a criminal , they would want me to come to them for questioning - that I would always be regarded with suspicion with the lawmakers of Idris . I did want to hide from them . But more than that , I wanted to hide from Valentine . I was sure he was still alive . I thought again and again of what he 'd said to me as he dragged me from the Hall , of the way he 'd promised to make the rest of my life a misery . They weren 't the words of a man who planned to burn himself up with demon fire , no matter how despairing he was over the failure of his plans . Valentine was not the sort of man who ever gave in to despair . Even with everything he 'd built destroyed , he would intend to rise again - the phoenix from the ashes . There was another thing I could not tell Luke . The night of the Uprising , before we had left for the city , I had taken the Mortal Cup from the hiding place where Valentine had put it , and hidden in among my belongings . I had thought of returning it to the Clave , but now - I couldn 't trust them to keep it out of Valentine 's hands , not when they were so eager to believe he was truly dead . I would have to be the one who hid it from him , and inexorably , without doubt , he would come for it , and for me . Luke begged me not to leave him . He said he would come with me - even when I told him I was expecting another child of Valentine 's , he said it made no difference , that he 'd raise the child as his own . But he 'd never seen Jonathan - I 'd never told him what Valentine had done to my son . How could I be sure that he hadn 't done something equally dreadful to the baby I was carrying now ? And how could I ask Luke to share that horror with me , or the danger of being pursued by Valentine , who hated him ? It was impossible . I refused him , over and over , even though I could see the pain it caused him . Even though I knew it meant I 'd likely never see him again , and the thought broke what was left of my heart . We parted at Orly Airport . I held on to him until the last call for the flight came and he gently pushed me toward the departure gate . It felt like I was tearing away some part of myself . At the last moment I turned and ran back to him and whispered in his ear - " Valentine is still alive . " I had to tell him . I couldn 't stop myself . I raced onto the plane without glancing back to see his reaction . I landed in New York in the early morning , the dawn sky like the inside of a pearl hanging over the city . As my taxi raced over the Williamsbug Bridge I glanced down and saw the water of the river below me , rippled here and there by the flicking tails of darting mermaids . Even here among these walls of glass and steel , this inhospitable city , the Invisible World was all around me . . . You know much of the rest . How I found a place to stay , found work doing the only thing I could do , here in the mundane world - paint . Not that there was much work for a painter . If it hadn 't been for the jewelry I could sell , I would have starved . I found an apartment in a building owned by a kindly old couple who let me stay in return for painting a portrait of their son , who had died overseas in the army . I told them my husband , too , was dead , and they felt sorry for me , I think , a young pregnant girl who had nobody in the world . . . Most other mothers in my situation would have been buying a cradle , buying baby toys and booties and blankets . I didn 't . I was terrified . Terrified what happened with my first child would happen again with my second . I remember the night I went into labor and was taken to the hospital - it was so unlike giving birth Alicante , with the sterile white walls and all the bleeping , terrifying machinery . I couldn 't stop crying , through it all and when you were born , and right up until the moment the nurse came into my hospital room and handed you to me , and I looked down into your face . A great wave of love and relief washed over me . Your red hair , your green eyes - you were my child , mine , there was nothing of your father in you , nor anything monstrous or demonic . I thought you were the most perfect thing that had ever come into the world . I still think it . The first time I took you to the park , you saw the faeries there among the flowers and went to play with them . The other mothers there looked at us in consternation as I picked you up and hurried you home . I had gone cold all over with terror . I could see what you saw , but nobody else could . How could I raise you to live like that - to lie to everyone you knew ? I had wanted to give you a normal life , but I hadn 't thought this far . And I had other fears as well - there were Shadowhunters here , Downworlders too , just as there were everywhere in the world . If word of you got out , it might perhaps get back to Valentine , and then he would come to find us . And I couldn 't let that happen . That 's why I hired Magnus Bane . I 'm not proud of what I did . I did it because I was frightened . I did it because I couldn 't imagine how else to protect you . I did it because I thought a life of oblivious happiness would be better than a life of danger and being hunted . And I did it , perhaps , because I wished I could forget , myself , everything in my past that still tortured me . It was Magnus who introduced me to Dorothea , and Dorothea who gave me the idea of hiding the Mortal Cup in a painting . I was holding you in my arms when I met her and you reached out and drew a tarot card from the stack she had on her table . I scolded you , but she only said , " Let 's see what card the child drew . " It was the Ace of Cups - the Love card . " She 'll have a great love in her life , " she predicted , but I was paying more attention to the image on the card . It looked just like the Mortal Cup . . . With the Cup safely hidden in the pack I 'd painted for Dorothea , and Dorothea herself hidden away in her Sanctuary , I felt calmer . Calm enough that when Luke turned up suddenly on our doorstep , looking as if he 'd been sleeping on the street for weeks , I didn 't immediately send him away . He had come so far , and I had missed him so much . I let him sleep on the couch , and in the morning he was still there , and you were sitting at his feet while he showed you some simple game with cards - a Shadowhunter game , something I hadn 't seen since I 'd left Idris . It was as if he 'd always been there with us , always belonged . I couldn 't ask him to go . . . Luke disapproved when I told him what I 'd had Magnus do to your memories , but it was the one issue on which I could never be budged . I reasoned that he didn 't know the whole truth , and that if he did , he would have agreed with me . I know now that I was wrong . Luke was always someone who believed in the truth , no matter how cruel or unsparing , and he would have wanted you to have it . At least you have it now - and if you hate me now , at least it will be because of the truth and not because of lies . And at least you know now that I have always loved you and you have always been the most important thing in the world to me . That night , when Valentine and his demons broke into our apartment , looking for the Cup , I barely had time to take the potion Ragnor Fell had given me before it was too late - but I did wait , just long enough that I could call you and tell you I loved you . Everything that ever happened to me in Idris , everything Valentine ever did to me , was worth it because I had you . There is one more thing I have to tell you . Magnus told me about Jace , and what happened to you at Renwick 's , and what your father told you there . I need to tell you now that he was lying . That what you believe to be true about yourself and your brother isn 't the truth . After I took the potion , Valentine tried everything to wake me , but nothing worked . When he brought me to Renwick 's I lay frozen , drifting in and out of consciousness . I couldn 't move or speak , but I was aware sometimes of people coming in and out of the room . Pangborn and Blackwell came to taunt me , though they never touched me . And sometimes Valentine would come and sit by the side of my bed and talk to me . He told me how he had thought when he married me that we would face the world together , united against the Clave and the Accords . He told me that when Jonathan was born , he realized he had lost me , that I would hate him forever for what he had done . But a true warrior is ready to sacrifice everything , even his wife . Even his family . So Valentine believed . He was a modern Crusader and everything he did was for the sake of his cause . Deus volt , he said . Because God wills it . After the birth of Jonathan , Valentine had suspected I would refuse to have any more children . And this was a pity , he felt , because he had envisioned our children as an army of superior Shadowhunters - made that way by him . He knew he couldn 't force me to have a child I didn 't want , though , so he turned his attentions to Céline Herondale . She was young , dedicated , impressionable . When she became pregnant , he gave her mixtures to drink , as he had done to me , claiming they were potions made up by a warlock which would foster the health of her baby . She took the drugs , the powders , the potions he gave her , even let him inject her as if he were a doctor . She was utterly trusting . And then something happened which Valentine did not expect . In a raid on a vampire nest , Stephen was killed . And Céline - impressionable , emotional , easily swayed Céline - drank a flask of poison and died . The Herondales swooped in , burned Stephen 's body and buried Céline in a mausoleum just outside the Bone City - no suicide can be buried inside its walls . You would think that would have been the end of that . But Valentine knew that what he had done had changed the child inside Céline and he had to know how . So Valentine took Hodge and went to the Bone City himself , in the dead of night . He went into the Herondale 's mausoleum and broke open Céline 's coffin . And then , using the sharp - edged blade of his kindjal , he cut her open and took the still - living baby from her dead body . Any other child would have died when its mother died . But Valentine had been giving Céline regular doses of Ithuriel 's blood . The blood of Heaven , pure and concentrated , and due to its effect , by some miracle , the infant was still alive . He brought the child back to our house that night , the night that a baby 's crying woke me from sleep and I went down to find the angel bound in the Wayland 's wine cellar with the infant at its feet . By morning , Valentine had given the boy to Hodge with instructions to take him to Valentine 's own family home outside Brocelind , and to keep him healthy . Hodge as nursemaid ! - but he did it , and reported back to Valentine that the child seemed to thrive . The Uprising came only a few months later . I have told you already of that terrible night . After Valentine slaughtered Michael Wayland and his son and left their bodies to burn along with the bodies of my parents in the ruins of our house , he took our Jonathan and fled to the house outside Broceliand . For a year he hid himself away there , cloaked in layers of misdirecting glamours , and raised the two children together - his own son and his lieutenant 's , the part - demon child and the other which was part - angel . But while the part - angel child developed like an ordinary baby , his own son , the demon child , grew at an unnatural pace . By the time he was two years old he was the size of a six - year - old human child , and had the strength of an adult man . And he hated his adoptive small brother . Several times he tried to kill him and the infant was saved only by Valentine 's intervention . Eventually Valentine knew that something would have to be done . He was eager to return to a more active life , to a location closer to the Glass City . To a place where he could meet with his old followers , men like Pangborn and Blackwell - to a place where he was no longer quite so much in hiding . He took on Michael Wayland 's identity and returned with Stephen Herondale 's son to the Wayland family manor . Why didn 't he bring his own son with him , you might ask ? Because his son now looked like a six - year old , and Valentine knew there was no way the boy would be convincing , ever , as the Waylands ' child - and it was very important to him that later , the boy be able to convince those who had known Michael that this was his son . And so he took Stephen Herondale 's fair - haired small son to the Wayland manor , and lived also with his own in the run - down house outside Brocelind . The infant had a name now - Michael Wayland 's son 's name . Jonathan Wayland . As it was too confusing to be raising two children with the same first name , Valentine began to call the child by a nickname . |
Marc unlocked the front door of Rolf and Matthew 's house and gently pushed it open . He placed a hand on Matthew 's shoulder and guided him in . Once in , Marc turned on the light , closed the door , and steered Matthew into the living room . Matthew sat down on the couch . He was quiet , and distant . His face was red , and his eyes were puffy and bloodshot . Marc 's was the same . Matthew stared at the floor as a fresh tear fell from his eye . Both young men were very subdued and somber . After several minutes of silence , Matthew spoke , his voice cracking . " Thank goodness my hands aren 't any fatter ! I managed to pull them through the cuffs . It wasn 't easy , and it hurt like hell . " " I didn 't get whipped senseless , " Marc said quickly . " And yes , that hurt too , but it wasn 't . . . . it 's just DIFFERENT than Rolf 's spankings were . There aren 't the feelings of shame , worry , embarrassment . . . . . . " " It 's sort of like that . But . . . even different . " Marc sighed heavily . He wasn 't doing a good job of explaining things , and he didn 't think anything would become any more clear . " Come on fruitloop , I 'm not taking no for an answer . " Marc held out his hand until Matthew gave up and put his hand in Marc 's . Marc lead the way upstairs to the master bath and started a hot bubble bath while Matthew took his clothes off slowly , too wiped out to argue . Matthew climbed into the bubbly water and sank in . Marc sat on the floor next to him , his arms wrapped around his knees . " SO , " Marc continued . " I crept down the stairs . I didn 't see Devon or his whipping boy of the moment , so I grabbed my pile of clothes , and slipped out the front door . " " It was a little scary . I don 't think Rolf needs to know , okay ? I am entitled to … . experiment , and he 'd might just over - react . . " Marc grabbed the bar of soap and washed Matthew 's back . He used deep soothing motions . Once it was all lathered , he gently rinsed him off . Marc stood up and got the large bath towel . Matthew slowly stood up , and stepped out . Marc wrapped the towel around him , and patted off some of the water . He then guided Matthew into the bedroom . Marc grabbed onto Matthew for hug , and held him tightly . He walked them over to the bed , and sat down . He pulled Matthew down with him . Matthew placed his head in Marc 's lap , as Marc gently rubbed his shoulders . Matthew soon fell asleep , exhausted from the day . Marc looked at the clock , it was after 2 in the morning . It had been a long day for them both . Marc closed his eyes , and soon fell asleep in the upright position . " I agree , " Marc said , wincing as he tried to roll his head around to stretch the muscles . He stood up and pulled the blankets down . " Get in Matty , and go to sleep . " Looking at the bed , Marc nodded slowly . He kicked off his shoes and pulled off his jeans and laid down on the other side of the bed . He felt a little uncomfortable being there , but he knew Matthew wanted him to be . He laid down on top of the covers , planning on waiting until Matthew fell asleep before moving into the room across the hall . " Oh , gross ! " Marc said , laughing , trying to keep Matthew from grabbing the receiver . " Here , before I get killed , " Marc said as he handed the phone to Matthew . Rolf laughed softly , still very drugged and tired . " I 'm out of surgery , just a little uncomfortable , and a lot tired . How are you ? Not giving Marc any trouble , are you ? " " Mhmmm . Now don 't worry about us , you just get better , and listen to those doctors . Or you 'll end up over MY knee . " Marc said with a chuckle . Marc took Matthew by the arm and turned him around . " I know you want to be with him , but sitting over there isn 't going to do you or him any good whatsoever . We 'll find something here to do that 's better and wait for his call . " " I said no . I mean no . And that is the END of that conversation , " Marc finished sternly . " I don 't want to have to get this way , but you 're not going over to that hospital . " Marc smiled and headed into the bathroom . He turned on the shower and let it warm up . He pulled off his shirt , and caught a glimpse of the markings he still wore from two days earlier . Marc winced at the sight , not so much from the markings themselves , but what they represented . He unbuttoned his jeans and slid them off , testing the water for the perfect temperature . He put a thumb in his waistband and paused , hearing something not quite right . But he got no response . Marc stepped into the hallway and called again , getting more quiet for his efforts . He sighed heavily and started to walk down the stairs when he heard the garage door closing . " Son of a b - " Marc grumbled , as he ran back up the stairs . Turning the shower off he pulled his pants back on , grabbed his shirt and ran out of the house , keys in his hands . Starting the truck he backed out and headed straight to the hospital , knowing Matthew was going there . He pulled up into the parking lot and finding no free parking , cursed and headed into the pay lot . He spotted Matthew 's truck against the back wall and parked next to it , pulling his shirt on as he walked quickly towards the hospital entrance . Going straight to the desk , he asked for Rolf 's room number and was given the same line that Matthew was , no visitors . Starting on the fourth floor , he made his way quickly down the halls , not finding Matthew anywhere . He thought for a moment where would be the BEST place to look for him . Marc passed a nurse in the hallway , and stopped her . The nurse smiled and nodded , and Marc looked for the nearest elevator . He pushed the button and waited patiently for it to open . After a moment 's wait , the door popped open . Standing inside was Matthew . Matthew 's eyes grew large , and he moved quickly for the " close door " button , but Marc was quicker and got on the elevator with him . The doors closed and Marc eyed Matthew , who stared at his feet . Marc put his arm around Matthew , and held him . When the elevator reached the seventh floor , Marc pushed the button for the first and they rode back down without interruption . Marc kept an arm around Matthew and led him past the receptionist and straight into the gift shop . Matthew 's eyes lit up and he took a moment or two to look , his eyes landing on Taz , from the Warner Brothers cartoons . Rolf 's bike had that printed on the side , and he knew it had special meaning for Rolf . He purchased that and a small gift card , writing a short message and dropping it at the front desk . " Alright fruitloop , we 're going home . " Marc walked Matthew out with his arm around him . " Straight home , do not pass go , do not collect $ 200 . I 'll be following you . " Matthew managed to say " yes , sir , " before he got in his truck and headed home . He pulled into the driveway , and opened the garage , pulling the truck in . Marc followed almost immediately behind Matthew . Matthew left the garage door open so Marc could enter the house that way . Marc got out of his truck , which he kept blocking the garage this time . He followed Matthew into the house , stopping Matthew before he started to go upstairs . Matthew froze in mid - step , turning and looking at Marc , his lip quivering . Marc just pointed . Matthew slowly drug his feet into the living room , plopping down on the couch . Marc sat down next to him , in the center of the couch . " No , Matthew . What you HAVE to do is what I tell you . You know if I could I 'd click my fingers and Rolf would be here and perfectly fine . I wouldn 't deny you seeing him if it was at all possible . Today , it 's not possible , and therefore , the reason I said no . I don 't appreciate having to chase you across town and through the hospital corridors . Remove your shorts , please . " Matthew started to stutter , but shut up and stood up when Marc held out his hand . He slowly slid his shorts down , pulling his underwear down at the same time . He turned and bent over Marc 's lap , knees almost touching the floor , his head and elbows on the couch cushion . He bit his lip and ducked his head as Marc 's hand connected with a loud smack on his bottom . Marc only spanked him for a few minutes , just enough to get the bottom very hot and stinging . When he finished , he helped Matthew to his feet , hugging him for a moment before allowing him to pull his shorts back into place . He then walked with him into the kitchen , handing him a couple of paper towels and pulling out a chair . " You can sit in the corner while I shower . There will be serious trouble if I find you anywhere but here . " Marc waited until Matthew had settled into the chair before heading upstairs for his shower . Marc slowly made his way upstairs , knowing that Matthew was in the safest place possible at the time being . He started the shower , again . And he disrobed , again . He stepped into the warm shower , and the let the water cascade over him . Meanwhile , Matthew sat in the corner quietly , except for an occasional sniffle or two . He shifted , trying to relieve the sting , but to no avail . He knew he was wrong for not listening to Marc , and he knew there was nothing he could do . But he didn 't like it . Matthew opened the box and pulled the pizza out , rearranging the meat across the top . He put it on the cookie sheet , and placed it in the oven that Marc was holding open . The pizza went in , and Marc closed the door . " He made it through surgery just fine , and they 've got him on the strongest antibiotics possible . He 's being monitored very carefully , so yes , I think he 's going to be just fine . It 's just going to take a little time . " " Fruitloop , you know that Rolf knows you are thinking of him . And he is doing the same of you . That will be enough until you can see him . " Matthew managed to crack a smile as well , and got the plates . Marc pulled the pizza from the oven and got the pizza cutter . He served up the pizza and they sat down for a quiet lunch . Their minds in other , separate , places . Matthew took longer to eat , only eating because he had to . When he finished he dumped the plates into the sink and went downstairs , flopping into the recliner and turning the TV on . He aimlessly channel surfed for several minutes , before his reverie was interrupted . Marc walked down the stairs , not wanting to be an ogre , but being given precious little choice . He went over to Matthew 's chair , pulled him up and swatted him once . " Get upstairs . " Matthew rolled his eyes , but went upstairs , knowing this probably had something to do with the dishes . He stopped just inside the kitchen . " What ? " he asked , keeping his back to the wall . Matthew heard and understood the tone . He removed what he had put into the washer and filled the sink . He quickly washed them , and put them on the drain board . He emptied the sink and began to head out of the room . Marc simply cleared his throat . Marc sighed as he saw several people crying , and the show fade out . He shook his head and turned off the TV . He walked upstairs to see what Matthew was doing . Matthew was on the phone , when he saw Marc he quickly ended the call and hung up the phone . " Matthew , I know how much you miss him but calling today is not a good thing ! He needs his rest , he 's trying to fight off infection in his entire body . STOP trying to fight against that , it 's not going to help . " " He will be home as soon as he can , " Marc said , before finishing to himself " and it won 't be soon enough . " He watched as Matthew stomped upstairs , shaking his head . He was safe enough up there , so Marc decided to just give him some space . He went back downstairs and found something halfway interesting to watch . Marc soon found himself struggling to stay awake , a battle that was eventually lost . Marc quickly awoke when he heard the theme song to Trading Spaces playing . He opened his eyes , and looked around . Someone was missing . Marc slowly stood up , working the kinks out of his neck . He walked upstairs in search of Matthew . After finding the house quiet , he walked up to the bedroom . He found Matthew laying on the bed , sound asleep . Marc walked in , and saw Matthew holding a picture of Rolf . He smiled , and sat down on the edge of the bed . Matthew began to stir , and finally woke up . Matthew rolled over and stared at the ceiling as he heard Marc go downstairs . When he heard the truck start , he sat up on the bed . Deciding there wasn 't a point to staying there , he got up and headed downstairs . He looked at the keys in the basket and thought about leaving for the hospital , but decided Marc would have a coronary and find some way to kill him from the other side . He headed into the office and turned on the computer , deciding that as long as no one was breathing over his shoulder , he might as well . Marc got out of his car , and stared at Devin 's house as he walked up to his front door . Chills ran down his spine as he recalled his escape . He shook his head , trying to reassure himself that as time passed , the memory had been embellished some . Marc made his way into his home , grabbing the mail as he entered . He quickly flipped through it and tossed the junk on the coffee table . He walked past his answering machine , and saw it flashing and pushed play . The color drained from Marc 's face as he listened to a final message left by Matthew as Marc was on his way to the hospital . Matthew begged and pleaded for him . Marc bit back tears , and quickly erased the message . He briskly walked upstairs and packed a bag of necessities . He was downstairs in five minutes . Finding a random restaurant in the phone book , Marc called and placed an order for two lasagna dinners . Once the phone was hung up , he looked around for any other items . Finding none , Marc grabbed his bag and left the house . As Marc was walking to his truck , Devin had returned home . Devin spotted him , and came over , something Marc was not ready to deal with . " I 'm sorry to hear about your friend , but YOU wanted to try that out . I apologize for the interruption , but all you had to do was say you wanted to quit . I didn 't get that from you while I was there . " Marc wasn 't in a place where he could answer that yet . He jumped into the truck and before closing his door said , " I don 't have time for this . " He slammed the door and started it , slamming it into reverse and leaving quickly , Devin still standing there . Marc 's arms were shaking with anger . Once he got out of sight of his home , he slowed down and tried to settle down . It wouldn 't do at this time to be involved in an accident . He realized he had turned the wrong way and took the next corner to go back to the restaurant where dinner was waiting . He picked that up , his demeanor not inviting any additional conversation . Once he had dinner , he drove back over to Rolf and Matthew 's hoping that Matthew had listened to him . He was in no mood for a showdown tonight . There was no response , and no sight of him . Marc walked into the kitchen and put the dinners on the counter . He held on tightly to his duffle bag and walked up the stairs . " Sorry , I was just making sure you were home . Dinner is here , " Marc replied with relief . He walked into the spare bedroom and tossed the bag on the floor . He expected Matthew to emerge quickly from the bathroom and when he didn 't , Marc headed on downstairs and set the dinners on the table , getting the silverware and napkins and pouring two cokes over ice . He waited a couple more minutes , then started eating . When Matthew still hadn 't come downstairs a five minutes later , Marc got up and headed up the stairs . Matthew mumbled and grumbled but got downstairs within five minutes to avoid going to bed . He expected a smartass comment from Marc when he got down there , but nothing was said . Matthew lifted the top of the tray and poked at the lasagna . When it didn 't fight back , he carefully took a bite and discovered it wasn 't too bad . He thought about saying something nice to Marc about it , but Marc seemed distant to him , which only made his own sour mood deepen . Once they finished eating , Matthew quickly deposited the plate in the sink , and scrambled downstairs . Marc was still preoccupied by the conversation with Devin to take note of Matthew 's absence , and did the dishes himself . Marc stared into the soapy water , wondering if he HAD over dramtized the situation . Were things truly as easy as asking ? Marc shook his head , and finished the task at hand . He started to walk downstairs , but decided he needed a watery escape . He walked up to the master bath and drew himself a hot bubble bath . He stripped and sank into the water . Matthew meanwhile , sat downstairs power surfing . He rapidly switched the channels , waiting for Marc to join him , if for nothing else but to ignore him first . Matthew perked up when he heard Marc at the top of the stairs . But that soon drained when he heard him walk upstairs instead . Matthew 's displeasure rose . He sprawled out on the couch , making sure every square inch was being used . He continued the surfing until he came across some mind numbing documentary , that even he could barely stomach . But aside from being able to drive Marc insane with it , he took some comfort , knowing it 's what Rolf would have chosen . After a half hour of drowning his sorrows in the tub , Marc joined Matthew downstairs . Marc started to head towards the couch , but Matthew purposefully kept his eyes glued to the television , and didn 't flex the slightest muscle . Marc glared at his foot , but walked slowly over to the chair . Matthew looked at Marc , then at the dark television screen . He raised the remote , and turned it back on . Marc held out his hand for the remote . Matthew stared past him and continued channel surfing . " Take the damn thing . " Matthew spat as he jumped to his feet , tossing the remote on the couch . He quickly sprinted up the stairs to the bedroom , and slammed the door . Marc turned off the television , and followed Matthew . He walked at a pace similar to the horror movie villains . He crept the stairs slowly and purposefully . He rounded the corner and approached the bedroom door . Marc turned the knob and entered , closing the door behind him . " It 's not just because you ran . It 's because you have an attitude and a mouth in the gutter . PLEASE don 't make me use the hands on approach , " Marc pleaded . " You want to do this the hard way , we 'll do it the hard way . " He ignored Matthew 's indignant squeals and propelled him into the bedroom and over to the bed where he pulled Matthew face down over his lap and began spanking . When Matthew quit struggling so much to get loose , he yanked down his shorts and underwear and began again on the tender skin , causing Matthew to moan and groan . Matthew fell down on the bed , finally giving in to the tears that were already flowing . He cried because of the pain . He cried because he 'd upset Marc . But mostly he cried because he missed Rolf . Marc went over to his room and sat down on the bed , his head in his hands . His anger was gone almost immediately , but it took him a while to realize that Matthew was crying a lot more than the spanking deserved . Marc felt horrible as he 'd pretty much spanked in anger , even if Matthew did deserve it and it wasn 't a severe spanking . Getting up from his own bed , he re - entered the master bedroom , seeing Matthew curled up with his knees to his chest , facing the far wall . Marc came in and sat down on the bed next to him . He gently stroked Matthew 's hair , not saying a word . Matthew rolled over and placed his head on Marc 's chest , and continued to cry . Marc simply held Matthew , both in silence . Soon , Matthew drifted to sleep and Marc followed . Matthew was the first to wake up , sliding out of bed without disturbing Marc . He padded downstairs and looked for something to eat , finally finding a box of stale donuts in the back of the pantry . Just before he headed downstairs , a soft knock came from the back door . Matthew put the donuts down and opened the door , finding Eric on the doorstep . Eric entered . " I only had a moment as I 'm heading on shift , but I wanted to find out an update on Rolf . How is he ? Visitors today ? " Eric laughed , Matthew missing the coke 's disappearance . " I see , and a fine job you 're doing . I thought I 'd go see Rolf , but guess I 'll have to wait until clearance . Call me , won 't you ? With news of Rolf or if I or Michael can do anything at all , for either of you . " Matthew stuck out his tongue and looked at the table . He cocked his head , then shook it . Marc smiled , knowing he just realized his Coke was gone . Matthew started for the fridge again , but stopped suddenly as the phone rang . His eyes lit up , and he bounded for the receiver , nearly knocking Marc to his rear end . " Oh , I 'm sorry , I must have the wrong number . " Rolf replied . " See the young man I was calling , would NEVER be so enthusiastic in the morning . " " The appendix ruptured and dumped a lot of bad stuff into my blood . The antibiotics and stuff are working , the counts are down , but not nearly enough to be considered safe for visitors . They just want to make sure I don 't pick up any other virus to weaken my immune system anymore right now . You know how much I 'm missing you . " " I will , time to be poked some more . Take care of him for me . Love you both . " Rolf said as he hung up the phone . " Fruitloop he is in good hands . " Marc said as he picked up the box of donuts . " What do you say we go out for breakfast . Get something of some real nutritional value . . . that hasn 't expired a week ago . " Matthew could hear the pleading in his tone , and did as he was asked . Once Matthew was upstairs , Marc breathed a sigh of relief , pleased that Matthew didn 't put up a fight . Marc soon followed upstairs to the guest bath to get ready himself . " THATS ENOUGH ! " Marc said loud enough to cut through the growing tantrum that Matthew was trying to continue . " Get your juice and lets GO . The keys can wait . " When Matthew tried to say something again , he was cut off . " GO . " Marc was ready to spout a dozen comments , but didn 't want to deal with the riot that would ensue . Instead he breathed deep and counted to ten . Marc walked over and unlocked the door for Matthew , then let himself in on the driver 's side . Matthew flopped into the truck and slammed the door shut . Marc stared at Matthew . The ride to the diner was short and very quiet . Fortunately they had missed the breakfast rush , so the diner was nearly empty . Somewhere between ordering and the meals arriving , Marc decided to try and initiate a conversation again . " Well , unless I force you out the door , you would stay until eight ! So what time are you SUPPOSED to get out . " Marc replied , with a look that could scare small animals , not having yet mastered the look to scare small children . Matthew 's rant was interrupted by the delivery of breakfast , a welcomed way to end discussion so early in the morning . Soon breakfast had been devoured , both young men hungrier than they let on . Marc paid the bill and they exited the diner . Marc smiled , and got into the truck . He was pleased that the first hurdle of the day had been cleared . Marc pulled into his office parking lot about ten minutes early and headed on up to his office . Settling down in his chair , Marc noticed that he had a voice mail . He pressed the button and keyed in his code and listened to the messages . The first was an answer to a question he needed in order to finish his budget work , the second was Matthew . " I just wanted to remind you to COME GET ME at lunch . I REALLY don 't want that diner food twice in one day . Don 't FORGET ME . " " That 's me , just part of the woodwork . Mr . Edwards is here from the Broadway store ? He 'd like to see you about his budget . " Marc rolled his eyes . " Put him in the conference room . I don 't have any other pressing business , " Marc said as he finished writing down the information from his voice mail . Stacy left the office . Matthew stared at his screen for another minute , then accessed hotmail . He sent Marc an e - mail voicing his displeasure on being ignored , and signed off . Matthew was soon left hard at work , thanks to Stacy 's assistance . Marc finished his meeting with the manager , having calmed him down enough about the budget cuts that Marc had been forced to make . He turned on his instant messenger and saw he had a few messages . Clicking on the link , he pulled up his account and saw one was from Matthew . Opening it up , he grimaced . Matthew sat back and huffed . " Important , huh ? Eating lunch is ONLY important when I decide I 'm not hungry and not eating . NOT fair . Try THIS on for size . " angelus : I 'm NOT discussing that via IM . If you don 't get to work right now , I 'm going to tell you to disconnect . I mean it . " I have so much to say . But how ? How can I talk to you about this ? And NOW of all times ? " Marc spoke quietly to himself as he stared out the window . After a few more minutes of staring at nothing particular he sat back down , and continued his work . At noon , he was more than ready for a break . Marc picked up the phone and dialed . Marc drove over towards the mall . He knew Matthew 's world was upside down without Rolf , and he was trying to help , but Matthew was making it nearly impossible . He pulled into the parking lot for the restaurant and had to park near the back . " You , young man , are about a half second away from being taken into the rest room . And I do NOT mean to wash your hands ! " Marc said in a loud whisper . Matthew 's demeanor fell , his face flushed . Before Matthew could offer a comeback , the waitress had returned with the salad and breadsticks . He dug in without another word . Matthew smiled , knowing that was so true . The waitress returned with the bagged desserts , and left the check . Marc examined it , and picked up the tab , putting down his Visa Checkcard . The waitress returned and took it for processing . " Since when ? " Marc said with a wink . " Don 't worry about it . Besides , who knows , I could win that $ 100 a day contest . " The waitress returned with the card . The young men exited the table , Marc grabbing the bag before Matthew could . They left the restaurant and got into Marc 's truck . Matthew picked up the mail that had been delivered while they were out and headed back to his office . He sorted through the mail , tossing most of it in the trashcan before signing back on to IM . Marc hadn 't returned yet , so he went back to work on the door company financial information . The afternoon flew by for Marc , who was engrossed in his work . As for Matthew , he paused every couple of minutes to check the IM status , steaming every time . Finally , at 3 : 50 Marc logged back on . Matthew signed off and finished up his work , standing out with Deana for the last fifteen minutes of the day . Everyone else was gone and they were waiting for one client to pick up their payroll information . Finally that person arrived , and Deana and Matthew walked out a few minutes later . " I know you do . He 'll be there soon , I 'm sure , " Deana said as she stepped out on the bottom floor . " Need a lift home ? " " The dessert . I went to the gas station , and then realized I left it in the fridge , so I had to go back . Besides , its not even five , so quit your complaining . " As soon as they parked , Matthew was out and grabbed the first cart he came to in the lot . He thought about trying to ride it , but the lot sloped away from the store . Marc hurried to keep up with him . " To last you one more day . Rolf isn 't going to feel up to shopping the first day he gets home . This way , please , " Marc said as he headed down the canned goods and fruit juice aisle . " I can 't find one I like , that 's the problem ! " Matthew spat as he pulled another off the shelf . " Here , I want this , " he said as he shoved a package at Marc . " Okay . Let 's skip the apples . We need stuff for a nice tossed salad . Got get some tomatoes and cucumbers . I will get the lettuce . " Marc pretended not to hear him . Matthew pushed the cart over to the tomatoes , and perused the selection . He picked up one , and put it down . He picked up another , and put that down . " I don 't like the tomatoes with the green on them . And I don 't like them too firm . And I don 't like them too soft . " " Are you goldilocks or what ? A tomato is a tomato , period . " Marc said as he grabbed two and tossed them in a bag . " See ? " " Yes . Rolf does that SO well on the grill . These T - bones , right here . Just have to find one without SO much fat on it , " Matthew said , picking up each steak and looking closely at it . ' " They don 't make this in a pint size . And it 's like twice the price anyway . Remember ? I 'm an accountant , I know these things . " Marc had gotten everything else they 'd needed and headed on up to the checkout . There wasn 't a point in arguing now anyway , as Matthew was probably right . They checked out relatively quickly and carried their purchases out to the truck and headed home . Matthew exhaled heavily , but didn 't speak . He knew he pushed good and hard , and was rather pleased with how far he got . Marc finished making dinner . Fifteen minutes later , Marc called out to Matthew . Matthew didn 't have to be asked twice . He quickly sat down and waited to be served . Marc served up two pork platefuls , and sat down . Matthew glared and poked at dinner . He stabbed the pork chop repeatedly with his fork before finally cutting into it . He took a tiny sliver and let it slide into his mouth . Matthew just shrugged and cut another piece , refusing to admit it was good . And Marc didn 't press . As long as the meal was getting eaten , he was happy . " No , I 'm stuffed , " Matthew said , getting up and rinsing his plate off , putting it into the sink . He went ahead and starting to wash the few dishes , knowing Marc could be as anal about dirty dishes in the kitchen as Rolf could be . He was soon joined by Marc and the two of them had the kitchen put back to rights within ten minutes . Matthew wasn 't one to linger in the bathroom for long , so when he was finished he headed upstairs to find an old pair of socks . He settled back on the bed with a book , intending to read for a few minutes and put it away when Marc started to blow . The longer he waited , the less work he 'd have to do . Marc waited for several minutes , then decided Matthew was going to make this hard on him . He headed in , ready to do battle . Not finding Matthew in the bathroom , he listened to downstairs , then headed up . Marc gave Matthew a look , then spoke . " Remember , I had work detail at camp here not too long ago . Now stop delaying , because I will turn on the flood lights if I have to . " The young men tackled their respective jobs and within the hour the lawn was presentable . They put their equipment away and Matthew crashed on the lawn chair near the pool . Marc headed inside and served dessert . The cheesecake with a side of ice cream . Marc grabbed the bowls and headed outside . They both ate eagerly , trying to keep the ice cream from melting . When Matthew was finished , he put the bowl on the ground and laid back in the lounge chair , looking up at the slowly darkening sky . Marc was still savoring his cheesecake . " But they did . That night you and Rolf went out of town , I had nothing to do . I was poking around outside , and Devin came and introduced himself . He just oozed charm . " " What else was I going to do all night ? Watch twenty episodes of Buffy and go to bed . I almost forgot . The weekend before , I woke up around midnight , had to pee . I looked out my window , as I usually do . And - " " ShutUP . I was able to see into Devin 's room , and this guy came in , wearing nothing but a jock . It was so hot . Something caught my eye , I don 't remember if he was restrained , or gagged , or what . But I got chills . So when I was painting , I excused myself and used the bathroom . " Marc flushed and shrugged . " I had to know . He must have known I was looking around . Honestly I don 't even remember what I saw or what I touched . But he must have known . He ordered a pizza , then invited me for a real dinner the next night . I swear , that 's all I went for , was a nice dinner . " " We had a nice dinner , " Marc continued . " Then somewhere along the way he called me on my snooping . He gave me a chance to explore things I had only read about . It was a whole new world , and I wanted to see what it was about . " " Do you have ANY idea how dangerous that could have been ? No ONE knew where you were . You only mentioned this guy like once when he first moved in . Geez , don 't you remember what happened with lonely ? " Matthew barked at his friend 's ignorance . " That 's easy for you to say . You HAVE someone . And he loves you with his heart and soul . What do I have ? Exactly , NOTHING ! I 'm not asking you to understand what I did . I just want you to accept it . To tell me it was okay to be adventurous . " " My mind is sketchy , a lot of the events are a blur . It happened quite fast . One minute I was in the dining room eating . And the next I was in the living room . Waiting . Naked . " " It seemed like an eternity that I had waited . " Marc cut Matthew off . " Then he descended down the stairs . My heart was racing . He brought me a jockstrap and a collar , told me it was my uniform . I guess I put it on , the next thing I recall was being cuffed to a wall . " " Matthew , please . " Marc said biting back a tear . " That first crack of the whip , that sent shockwaves thru me . After that , I don 't remember the rest . He gave me my clothes , and told me if I wanted to really experience something , to be there at 2 the next day . My head was so full that night . I had paced my house a hundred times . I finally got online and Marc looked over at Matthew . " I 'm sorry . It 's not that I was hiding it from you . I just . . . . I didn 't know what I wanted , or even what I was really feeling at the time . There was no way I could begin a discussion like that . And even if I could have , Rolf would have killed you for being online half the night . Besides . . . . he wasn 't feeling so well that night . " " I know fruitloop , I know , " Marc said soothingly . " Come on , let 's get cleaned up . I think we have enough time to get a movie in . " Matthew stood up and headed over to the lawn mower , rolling the into the garage . He didn 't realize it , but Marc had done a wonderful job of stopping what could have been a sad ending to the night by keeping him busy . When they were both finished outside , Marc sent Matthew upstairs to shower , following soon after for his own . He headed back down to the basement , the preferred venue for a good movie . On his way down , something caught his eye . He walked over to the table near the stairwell . On the ground was Matthew 's keys . Marc smiled , and returned them to their proper spot . He continued downstairs . Matthew was already in a chair . Marc sat down on the couch and started the film , he became engrossed before he remembered the keys . After a few minutes , he spoke . Matthew looked over , then got up and went to the couch . When he sat down , Marc pulled him close so that he was resting on Marc 's side , legs stretched out fully down the couch . He started to relax when Marc 's hands gently ran up and down his back soothingly . He was asleep before the movie was half over . Marc continued to caress him absently as he watched the rest of the film . Matthew barely woke up enough to follow Marc , who never let go of his hand . The two flights of stairs were tough when one was half asleep . Marc pulled back the covers and held them up as Matthew slid into bed . He kissed him on the forehead . Marc only thought about it for a moment . " Sure . " As soon as he said that , Matthew fell back to sleep , a contented smile on his face . Marc laughed , then headed into the bathroom to brush his teeth , sliding into Rolf 's side of the bed and setting the alarm . It was probably best that he stayed there in case Matthew woke in the middle of the night . He was asleep quickly . Marc woke up just seconds before the alarm sounded . He looked at Matthew who was still sound asleep . Marc reached over and turned off the alarm . He decided to let Matthew sleep for a bit longer . Just as he was ready to get out of bed , the phone rang . Marc quickly answered it , but Matthew was already awake . " Yes you do . I found them last night , next to the table by the stairs . You must have thrown them on the table , and they slid . " Matthew continued to breeze around the room . Marc was pleased to see Matthew 's spirits lifted . He went downstairs and toasted a bagel for Matthew , knowing he would leave with out eating . Just as the bagel was cream cheesed , Matthew came downstairs . Matthew nodded , grabbed his juice and Rolf 's book . Took his keys and headed out . He was too excited to do his usual talking and cursing at the other drivers on the road . He pulled into the lot , getting a pretty close spot since he was so early , and ran into the hospital . He rounded the corner and almost took out an older lady using a walker . " Sorry ! Haven 't seen him in three days ! " Matthew said after he steadied her before heading up the stairs , too anxious to wait for the elevator . The old lady smiled and continued on her way . Matthew made it up three flights on nearly a dead run , and had to slow down for the fourth flight . He was breathing hard when he opened the door , looking for the signs pointing to room 412 . He started down one corridor , only to run into an area for hospital personnel only . Walking back , he took a right instead of a left and found the patient rooms . As usual , he felt very uncomfortable walking down the corridor , wondering what drama was being played out behind each door or curtain . His pace and breathing quickened as the numbers counted down . 418 . 416 . 414 . 412 . He stopped outside the room , both anxious and excited about seeing Rolf . Finally , he turned in . He saw . . . him . . . first . He was pale , and looked extremely defenseless in the white hospital gown . Matthew could see numerous bruises on his left arm , lying across the top of the blanket . There was a band aid on the back of his hand . He took another step , and he turned towards him . When he smiled , he finally saw Rolf . The blue eyes , though tired , sparkled their welcome , and the smile lit up the otherwise pale face . Matthew was next to the bed before he even knew his feet had taken him there . He tossed the book on the table and leaned over , his weight heavy against Rolf 's chest . The tears came from nowhere , surprising Matthew . " Hey . Matthew . " Rolf was finally able to get Matthew 's head up . " If you don 't stop the crying , I won 't get my sponge bath from my favorite nurse . " Rolf watched as Matthew eyed him from head to toe . " I 'm just fine . The IV doesn 't hurt , and the surgery site only hurts a little . They 're keeping me pain free with medication . " Several kisses , and one weak swat later , Matthew headed out the door . When he got to work , he IMed Marc immediately , telling him how Rolf looked . The morning took forever as he was counting down the minutes until he could see Rolf again . After an hour at lunch , he promised to return after work , promising to let Marc know where he was . Marc wrapped up his last project for the day at three , and decided to head over to the hospital himself . Marc wasn 't as successful as Matthew in finding parking . He managed to find a spot in the rear lot . Marc walked to the hospital , and stopped in the gift shop . He found a coloring book of Scooby Doo . He bought that and some crayons . Marc then took the elevator up to Rolf 's floor . He quickly found the room , and knocked on the door , cracking it open . Marc waved to Rolf as he exited the room . He made his way back through the labyrinth that was the hospital , and out to his car . Marc sat in his car , staring at the wheel . " The life I was trying to lead SHOULD have been put on hold ! " Marc shouted , hitting the steering wheel . Angry tears threatened to fall , but Marc held them back by sheer force of will . He wasn 't about to let Devin be the reason he cried again . Swiftly turning the key , Marc slammed the truck into gear and pealed out of the parking lot , anxious to get over to Devin 's and confront him . He managed to get home without incident , parking in the front of his house and walking straight over to Devin 's front door . He knocked loudly , then hit the doorbell several times in succession . Not getting an answer , he sat down on Devin 's front steps , intending on waiting for him to come home as he knew Matthew was going to be visiting with Rolf until Rolf kicked him out of the hospital . He put his elbows on his knees , his head in his hands , and sat thinking about the couple of visits and time spent with Devin . " Nonsense . You can go home and eat with Marc . He 's been good enough to stay with you , the least you can do is eat with him . " Rolf took Matthew 's hand in his , squeezing it tight . " I want you to stay too , but I also need my rest . Besides , I really do think we owe Marc a lot for giving up his time to spend it with you . Don 't you think ? " As Marc continued to sit on the stairs , his anger subsided . He finally decided there was nothing he could do or say to Devin to make him feel any less guilty . He stood to his feet but didn 't get anywhere before Devin pulled into his driveway , staring hard at Marc . Devin got out and walked up to his porch . Marc descended to the walk . Marc shook his head no . Devin nodded and walked past Marc to take a seat on the steps , waiting for Marc to follow . Marc chose to lean against the railing , keeping his eyes firmly on Devin . " I never . . . I never intended to hurt you , " Devin began . " I admit , things were not handled the best . I did a lot of assuming on my part , and it went wrong . " " With a reply like that , I don 't think you have a clue . The howling , " Marc said passionately , " I can still hear that guy howl . And the way you spoke to him ! I feared for my life . I thought you were a raving loon ! " Devin looked down at his hands , knowing he 'd made more than a few mistakes with someone he 'd imagined having more than a casual relationship with . " I 'm sorry . It was all my fault . I didn 't expect you to return , though I had hoped you would . You seemed pretty skeeved when you left Saturday night . The guy that showed up is Steve . He wanted a scene , and I told him to be there at four . When I tried to send him home , he took that opportunity to start making it a real scene . Things escalated . Steve is a real pro , and we play hardcore . That 's all it was , play . " " I came upstairs a few minutes later and saw you were gone . I felt truly horrible because I fucked up the golden rule . " Devin was staring hard at Marc . " The golden rule is to never forget the feelings of the submissive . You haven 't been involved in this world much , and having overheard a tiny part of a professional scene while being tied up and unsure of what was next had to be truly upsetting . I . . . . I wanted to give you a few minutes to settle down . I had just opened my front door when I saw you pulling out of the drive like a bat out of hell . " Marc didn 't know how to respond . He 'd been able to hate Devin since that night , and push some of his guilt feelings onto his shoulders . Not having expected this explanation from Devin was causing his mind to swirl . " Marc , I DO think you are a great guy , " Devin said , standing up and coming back down the stairs . " And I would love to initiate you properly into the world of BDSM . But I would settle for still being friends . " " I 'm not sure I can do either right now , " Marc said , his emotions still in turmoil . When Devin started to speak again , he held up his hand in a semi - wave and walked quickly over to his truck . Putting the truck in drive , he drove off quickly without a look back at Devin , who was looking sadly after him . When he was around the corner and a couple blocks away , Marc pulled over on the side of the road , the tears coming of their own accord . He shook silently as a myriad of emotions swept over him . Knowing that Devin wasn 't a raving psycho was . . . not as comforting as he wanted it to be . Overriding that was his guilt still at not being available for Matthew when he first called , and realizing , fully , that Devin had nothing to do with keeping him from Matthew . When the rushing emotions passed , they left him feeling sad and tired . He grabbed a napkin to clean the worst of his face and drove back over to Rolf 's home . He arrived home before Matthew did . He headed for the kitchen and something to eat , but nothing sounded good to him . Instead , he sat down at the kitchen table and stared at the paper . After squirming for several minutes in front of the paper , Marc stood up and took the paper into the living room . It wasn 't too long later that he stretched out on the sofa and fell asleep . Several minutes later , Matthew returned home . He entered through the front door and called out . When he didn 't get a response , he walked into the living room , seeing Marc sound asleep on the couch . He smiled and walked over quietly , putting the Scooby picture on top of the paper on his chest . He then went into the kitchen and scoured it , finding he had all the ingredients for his beef and broccoli dish . Either the not so gentle noise of the chef , or the wonderful aroma , soon woke Marc up . It took a minute for him to gather his bearings . Once he did so he looked down to pick up the paper . Seeing something in color , he twisted his neck to get a better look . He smiled when he saw a beautifully colored picture of Scooby , with the caption : " I Ruv Roo ! " Marc 's heart melted . The simple gesture somehow spoke volumes . No one paid much attention . They helped him into the truck before Matthew put the bag in the back seat and got in himself . Rolf waved to the nurse as Marc pulled away . The ride was quick as Marc listened to the gushing discussion between Matthew and Rolf . He couldn 't help but grin at Matthew 's dozens of promises , which would no doubt last less than a week . Marc pulled into the driveway and as soon as he stopped , Rolf had the door open . Rolf took a moment to look around . " Place is still standing . I am impressed . " He looked around again . " It is GOOD to be home . " " What do you need ? What can I do ? " Matthew asked , before Rolf had both cheeks seated on the couch . " I know , some REAL food ! " Rolf patted his thigh again . " Hey , it takes a person with a big heart to put others first . And no matter how quiet things may be now at home , they say it 's always darkest before the dawn . I am grateful beyond words that you were here to be with Matthew when he needed you most . " " Nonsense . You have a life of your own to live . You WERE there when you were most needed . Matthew wouldn 't have made it through this past week without your love and guidance . He told me that , that isn 't something I made up . " " I DO ! " Rolf said , as he took Marc 's face into his hand , forcing eye contact . " Matthew could have stayed with any one of the guys , Eric , Joe , Steve . But he needed you ! He values your friendship and trusts your judgment . Believe me , it 's mostly because of you that he stayed so level headed . " Rolf leaned in and kissed Marc on the forehead . " I guess that means me , " Marc said with a smile . He stood up and headed for the kitchen , but stopped and turned at the door . He smiled warmly and said " Welcome home . " To succeed we must BELIEVE that we CAN . It 's a great pleasure to read your blog . Keep on sharing some kind of knowledge . Have a good day : ) imarksweb . net Rolf and Ranger 's Next Book will be called The Mary Ellen Carter . The Mary Ellen Carter and other works in progress can be read at either the Falls Chance Ranch Discussion Group or the Falls Chance Forum before they are posted here at the blog . So come and talk to the authors and be a part of a work in progress . Do you want to read the FCR Books and Short Stories on your E - Reader ? Well , lucky for you , e - book files can be found inboth the Yahoo Group and the Discussion Forum . Falls Chance Ranch Books " Someone should explain to him , he might be big and loomy but he 's American and he 's not allowed to do weird things like canes . " ~ Wade in Three Traders " It 's eight thirty ! " ~ Nick " Nick , my powers of observation really aren 't bad for my age . " ~ Damien , Strike 3 Ranger 's Stories A catless writer is almost inconceivable . It 's a perverse taste , really , since it would be easier to write with a herd of buffalo in the room than even one cat ; they make nests in the notes and bite the end of the pen and walk on the typewriter keys . ~ Barbara Holland E - mail Ranger " Yes I trust you , yes I 'm fine with treating you like a ten year old with a comic and yes they 're still staying down here tonight . I 'll put them in the study . Bed . " ~ Paul , Mustang Hill Total Pageviews |
I hope that everyone got what they wanted for Christmas ! Unfortunately , I got a little something special for Christmas . The flu ! I 've been out of commission for the past few days . After a wonderful doctor and a prescription for Tamiflu , I am finally starting to feel better . Will Samantha be able to say I do ? Find out in Excerpt 17 … Nick climbed out of the warm water of the lake , grabbing the towel that lay on the embankment . He had thought that coming out here would relax him . Unfortunately , all it had done was remind him of the night they spent together . He pressed his face into the towel inhaling deeply . He had purposefully not slept in their bedroom , opting to sleep in the guest room instead . After spending the night with her pressed tightly against him , he had realized that he wouldn 't be able to control himself much longer . Samantha , on the other hand , seemed to have no trouble with this self - imposed abstinence . He walked down the path , stopping short when he saw the three women piling into the car . He waited until they were well down the driveway before he came out from the cover of the woods . He went inside to get a fresh change of clothes . Her scent lingered in the room , making his eyes fall shut for a moment . Being so close to her without being able to have her was slowly driving him insane . But soon , she would be his wife . He ran downstairs to find his father and Derek waiting for him . The closer the wedding day came , the more his fear that she would run from him again grew . Except this time she would leave him at the altar in front of everyone he knew . He sighed heavily . He would be glad when it was over , because the more they planned for this inevitable day , the more sure he was that it shouldn 't be taking place . Samantha stood on the pedestal as gown after gown was pulled over her head to try on . Finally , after two hours of tiresome changes , she came to a decision . The dress she chose had spaghetti straps at the top and was cut straight along the bodice . Small pearls were sprinkled delicately along her chest . The dress cinched her waist before spraying out into a full skirt with a long train . Pearls were intricately placed on the skirt . She quickly chose shoes to match . The low heels made her smile . At least , she would not have tired feet at the end of the evening . She waited while the seamstress stuck pins in the dress for the appropriate alterations . Amazingly , there was not much to do . The dress seemed to have been made for her . She stared at her reflection in the mirror as Margaret and Christina remarked about how beautiful she looked . Tears welled up in her eyes as they studied her , but she refused to let them fall . For years she had imagined this day , imagined what her wedding dress would look like . Everything was almost perfect . If only she didn 't have the sinking feeling in her chest that her soon - to - be husband didn 't want her , she would have been ecstatic . Nick stood in his father 's study that evening staring out the window . Getting the tuxedos had been exceptionally easy . Of course , there wasn 't much to say . " Black , regular " and an hour of alterations had been about the jist of it . Thankfully , his mother had taken care of most of the preparations for the ceremony . From the flowers to the cake , the woman seemed to be a genius at planning weddings even though this was the first one she had been involved in since her own . He was beginning to feel more like a guest than the groom . Not that he minded . In fact , with the way things were going between the two of them , he was extremely grateful for his mother 's fortuitous assistance . Samantha seemed unsure about the wedding itself , let alone up to making all the preparations for the ceremony . Nick couldn 't help but worry that she was unconcerned about the wedding , because she wouldn 't be around to see it . If she left him this time , he would let her go . He wouldn 't follow her around like some lovesick puppy . As much as he wanted to believe it , he wasn 't convinced . The real truth was that if she left him at the altar , he wasn 't sure what he would do . That evening as they ate dinner , Nick looked curiously from Christina to Samantha . It seemed that a new bond had formed between the girls . On the other hand , Samantha hadn 't spoken to him all day long . It wasn 't too surprising . It seemed as if every d " What are you saying ? Are you going to stand her up at the altar ? " He almost laughed at his brother 's ready defense of his bride . He guessed that Derek would always have these protective instincts toward Samantha . Their friendship hadn 't seemed to lessen with their breakup , which was evident with the fact that Derek was the first to learn of her pregnancy . " Not me . Her , " he confessed softly . He couldn 't help but wonder what she was doing right now . Unfortunately , he had the sneaking suspicion that whatever it was , it was not going to be to his benefit . Another thought speared through him like a sword . Had she already left ? Samantha quickly showered and dressed in jeans and a cotton pullover shirt . Then , she took her suitcase out of the closet laying it in the middle of the bed . The enormity of what she was about to do suddenly hit her , and she had to sit down to keep from fainting . If she left him now , he would never forgive her . She knew it in her heart . No , if she did this , she would be declaring war . A knock at the door startled her out of her thoughts . She crossed the room to pull the door open . Christina stood on the other side in a brightly colored sundress . " Can I come in ? " she asked , an expectant smile on her face . She backed up a few steps to allow her entrance . Samantha closed the door . Christina turned to her in surprise as she noticed the open suitcase . " Are you going somewhere ? " " I have to leave , Christina , " she admitted solemnly . She walked over to clear out another drawer placing the contents in to the suitcase . She had expected the onslaught of questions that she would face from Nick 's family . She just hadn 't expected it to happen so soon . Christina grabbed her arm stopping her from packing any further . She pulled her around to sit down on the bed beside her . " What are you talking about ? " she demanded , her face etched with concern . " I can 't go through with this wedding , " she confessed , trying to hold back the tears . Disbelief clouded Christina 's eyes . " But , why ? Don 't you love Nick ? " she asked , her eyebrows jerking together . She looked around the room , searching for a way to make her understand . " Of course , I love him , but there are things that you don 't know about which make this wedding impossible , " she explained , hoping that it would be enough to cease her questioning . She could tell by the confusion in Christina 's eyes that her explanation had not carried much weight . " What is it , Samantha ? What is it that can 't be resolved ? " She had to look away from the accusations in Christina 's eyes . She knew what the other woman was thinking . She was thinking that Samantha was a coward , that she was running away , but she didn 't know the full story . She wanted to tell her . She wanted to say that Nick didn 't love her anymore . Maybe he had once , but that died a long time ago . He didn 't want to marry her . And no matter what she didn 't want to force him into it no matter how much she wanted things between them to work . Leaving was the right thing to doToday , she would walk away from him for the second time . I can 't believe that Christmas is next week ! Things have been so busy around here with the release of my new book , The Pleasure of Sin , from Whiskey Creek Press , I 've barely had time to breathe . I hope that you are sharing the holidays with loved ones and enjoying the true spirit of the season . When she awoke again the next morning , he was gone , and she couldn 't but feel a sense of longing . She got up taking a leisurely shower before dressing and heading downstairs for breakfast . Margaret was sitting at the table eating on a piece of toast . " Hi honey , how did you sleep ? " she asked . She pulled a chair out , taking a seat beside her . " Good . Where 's Nick ? " Margaret got to her feet getting her some toast and juice . " Oh , he went with Thomas to pick up Derek at the airport . Christina will be flying in this evening , too . Everyone is so excited about the wedding . " She took a bite of toast , ignoring the way her stomach rolled . At her silence , Margaret eyed her curiously . " Samantha , I know that it 's none of my business , and you can tell me to butt out if you want to , but you seem very unhappy . " Her gaze rose , her surprise evident . " Why would you say that ? " she hedged . " Well , for one thing , you 've been walking around here like a zombie since you got here . Don 't you want to marry my son ? You know , just because I 'm Nick 's mother , it doesn 't mean that I can 't be your friend as well . " Tears formed in the corners of her eyes . She wanted so badly to have someone to confide in , but how could she tell his mother the truth . " I 'm fine , really , " she replied , putting on her best fake smile . Margaret pursed her lips . " Do you love my son , Samantha ? " She offered the other woman a sad smile . " Yes , I do , " she admitted softly . Margaret sighed , relief evident in her face . She reached over patting her hands reassuringly . " Don 't worry , dear . Everything will be okay . Nick loves you . You 're probably just having a little bit of pre - wedding jitters , that 's all . " With that , she left to confirm their appointment at the bridal shop . For Margaret , it seemed that everything was tied together with a pretty bow . Unfortunately , Samantha knew the truth . She wished that she could believe that Nick wanted to marry her , but unfortunately she lived in the real world . She had to be honest with herself . And if she was honest with herself , she had to admit that he was just going through the motions for appearance sake . The realization made her heart sink . Tears began to slide down her cheeks . Despite her best attempt to quell the flow , a sob escaped her mouth . She missed her mother . She had never felt so alone in her life . Suddenly , the door flew open behind her . She tried her best to wipe the tears from her cheeks as she turned around . Unfortunately , Derek 's look of concern let her know that she wasn 't fooling him . " Samantha , what 's wrong ? " he asked , coming over to kneel beside her chair . She wanted to tell him everything . She wanted to tell him that Nick didn 't love her , that it was all a show . But she couldn 't . With the award winning performance Nick was putting on , no one would believe her even if she did . " Come here , " he instructed , climbing to his feet . He took her hands pulling her up to stand in his embrace . She clung to his shoulders trying desperately to stop the flow of tears . He whispered in her ear that everything would be okay , as his hands softly caressed her back . She heard a door open behind them . The stiffening of Derek 's body alerted her who was standing behind them . She slowly moved out of his embrace to turn around . Nick stood in the kitchen door , a halo of morning lighShe jerked away from him , furious at the way he was behaving . He was talking to her like she was nothing more than a cheap whore . She responded in the only way she could , by striking back . " I hate you , " she cried out vehemently , feeling tears burning the backs of her eyes but refusing to let them fall . His lips curled up in a cruel sneer . " I think that we 've established that already , haven 't we ? " he asked through gritted teeth . He spun on his heel leaving her alone . She ran up to their room , slamming the door behind her to collapse on the bed in tears . Why had she ever agreed to this sham ? Why hadn 't she refused his bargain ? She knew the answer . She had wanted to offer her child a true family , but how could they be with all of this animosity ? And at what cost would it be provided ? He stormed out , heading toward the stables . He wanted to shake her . It seemed as if she wanted everyone to pity her for the fact that she was marrying him . Was he really that terrible ? Did she hate him that much ? If her words were any indication , it certainly seemed as though she did . He paced the length of the stables , his hands curling into fists as he tried to reign in his temper . Unable to stop himself , he punched the side of the wall . Pain shot through his knuckles but he barely felt it . What was he going to do ? What did she want from him ? He sat on the bench , his head in his hands . The worst part of it was that he did know . He knew what she wanted . She wanted to be free of him . The thought made his chest ache . The only thing that would make her happy would be for him to let her go , and he just couldn 't do it . Everyone told him to fight for what he wanted , but how could he fight her ? " Nick , " he heard Derek say . He winced under the cover of his hands . The last thing that he wanted to do right now was deal with Derek . " Nick , I think that we need to talk , " Derek said a little more firmly this time . He raised his head to find Derek standing several feet in front of him . It was obvious that his brother was still " It would never work . " Despair clutched Samantha 's heart . A fairy tale ? If only that were true . But she had never heard of a fairy tale where the prince was forced to be with the princess . She wished that she could share Christina 's happiness , but this was no fairy tale . It was just a lie that they would both have to live for the rest of their lives . I 'm sure , like me , you are all gearing up for the holidays . It has been a hard year for everyone , I think . Hopefully , 2009 will bring wonderful surprises . He winced at her words . He had known that she didn 't want to be with him , let alone marry him , but hearing the words come out of her mouth seemed to drive the stake just a little bit further . He used the only ammunition he had . " If we don 't get married , what are you going to do ? How will you support yourself and a baby ? " She turned away , not wanting him to see the tears in her eyes . She knew that he was right . She knew that he was offering her the only solution that would work , but she still didn 't want to accept it . She didn 't want a marriage of convenience . She wanted him to want her , she wanted him to want to marry her . She didn 't want him to feel like he had no other choice . " I 'll find a way , " she replied vehemently . " How ? " Her eyes searched the room frantically trying to find a solution that would appease him . " Think about it . I 'll call you tomorrow , " he offered , getting up and walking to the door . She followed after him barely seeing the steps in front of her . At the door , he turned to place a gentle kiss on her lips . " It 's the only way , Sam . " With that , he was gone leaving her alone to try to make sense of her muddled thoughts . Circumstances raced through her mind . She didn 't have the money to raise her baby alone . If she married Nick , she knew that he would take care of her . She would be able to stay home with her child . She thought of the baby she so desperately wanted . Her baby needed a father . And , whether she liked it or not , she needed him . Nick gripped the steering wheel as he drove to Derek 's apartment . He had been fuming since Derek told him the truth . He had barely been able to restrain himself from putting his fist through the wall . Why hadn 't she told him ? Did she really hate him that much ? He opened the door to Derek 's apartment using the spare key . He wasn 't exactly thrilled to be staying with his brother , but it was better than a hotel . He threw the keys on the counter closing the door behind him . Derek sat on the couch , his arms stretched out on the back as he watched ESPN . " How did it go ? " he inquired , his feet resting on the coffee table . He sighed heavily . She would come around . She had to . Even if she didn 't want to be with him , she had to see the logic behind his proposed arrangement . He wasn 't the type of man who could be a father from afar . He wanted to be a part of his child 's daily life , and he wasn 't about to let her rob him of that right . " Was she angry ? " That seemed to be the question of the day . What now ? He had no idea . If she didn 't agree … She would . She had to . " We wait for Samantha to make the right decision , " he offered solemnly . Samantha sat curled up on the couch , her feet tucked underneath her . It had been a full day since Nick had arrived and thrown down his ultimatum . The day had gone by in a blur . She could think of nothing else . Finally , after several mistakes at work , she had decided that coming home was the prudent choice . Her fingers trailed over the pages of the book of baby names , but all the while she thought of her child 's future . Marrying Nick solved so many problems . She would be able to provide the kind of life for her child that she had always dreamed . And , despite what he thought , she didn 't want to keep the baby from him . She would never do that to him . Deep down she knew that there was only one answer that she could give him that was unselfish … to say yes . If she said no to his bargain , she would be doing it to protect herself from the pain of knowing that he didn 't truly want her . The next day when he called , she gravely accepted his bargain . His parents were elated with the news . Margaret went into overdrive in planning a quick and intimate wedding for the two of them . Samantha felt numb . In all of the times she had thought of planning her dream wedding , she had never expected to feel so detached . When Margaret asked if she wanted to be involved , she hedged . She would not make preparations for this sham of a wedding . It was a lie … pretending to be the happy couple , and she wanted no part of it . After a week of discussion , she finally allowed Nick to stay at her apartment until ceremony . At first , she worried that he would take advantage of the situation , but instead he made a pallet on the couch for himself . She should have been happy that he wasn 't expecting anything , but she couldn 't deny that a part of her was angry . Did he find her unattractive now ? Did he no longer desire her ? A part of her wanted to confront him , but she didn 't … she couldn 't . She wasn 't about to invite him into her bed if he didn 't want her , even if they were about to be married . Finally , the week of the wedding arrived . Her stomach was tied in knots as they drove to stay at his parents ' house for the ceremony . Panic raced up her spine at the thought of seeing them again . How would they feel about her now that she was pregnant with their son 's child ? Especially when it was a different son ? The thought made her stomach turn . They probably hated her , and they had every right . After all , her present condition confirmed her duplicity . As soon as they pulled up into the driveway , Margaret rushed out to the car beaming . She opened the door hesitantly getting out of the car . As soon as she was out , Margaret pulled her into a warm hug . " Oh , I 'm so happy for the two of you , " she exclaimed . Nick got out of the car grabbing their bags out of the trunk . He walked around the car to smile at his mother as she hugged Samantha . " Hi , Mom , " he said . Margaret quickly turned to him pulling him into a quick embrace . She ushered them into the house telling him to take the bags upstairs . She led Samantha into the kitchen sitting her down at the table . " So , Nick wanted to have the wedding as soon as possible . We set up a small ceremony for Friday evening at six . I figured that the day after tomorrow we can go shopping for your dress . Most of the arrangements have been taken care of , but I don 't want you to feel like your mother - in - law is already taking over . If you want to change anything , you just let me know . After all , it 's your wedding , " she rambled on . Samantha took a deep breath feeling a little overwhelmed . Everything was moving so fast . " Thank you , " she managed to say . " Nick told me what happened to your family . I 'm so sorry , " she offered patting Samantha 's hand . " I want you to think of us as your family now . Anything you need , we will be there . " Her heart almost broke . For years , she had longed for a family . Now , she had one , even if it was for all the wrong reasons . Tears began to slide down her cheeks , and she reached up to wipe them away with the back of her handTo tell the truth , he wasn 't sure how she felt about anything anymore . The baby , the wedding , and especially him . Right now , he desperately wished that he could turn back the clock to a time when he had been sure of her , a time when she had loved him . But those days were gone . He had sealed their fate long ago . Now , when she looked at him , her gaze was blank . For Christ 's sake , she hadn 't even told him about the baby , a fact that he still hadn 't fully forgiven her for . " Well , it 's not too late , you know , " his father interrupted his thoughts by saying . " For what ? " he asked . His father looked uneasy as he continued , " Well , if you 're both not happy there are always other solutions . You don 't have to get married to be a father to your child . " His head jerked up sharply . " Yes , I do . I will not cheat my child out of having a family . Whether Sam likes it or not , we will be man and wife when this baby is born , " he explained in a firm tone . His father shook his head in agreement sensing that the conversation had just been effectively closed . When he left his father 's study later that night , he made his way down the hall to his room . He was exhausted . Luckily , his mother had taken over most of the preparations for the wedding . He couldn 't thank her enough for her help with the whole affair . After all , he felt ridiculous picking out colors for the flowers . He knew nothing about bouquets or centerpieces . He opened his door to reveal her snuggled in his bed . She was curled up on one side her face buried in his pillow . He couldn 't help but smile at the picture she made . He walked around to the other side of the bed wondering if he should sleep in the guest room . They hadn 't made love since the night of his mother 's birthday party , and he had to battle with himself nightly to keep it that way . Staying in her apartment had been a lesson in torture . Just knowing that she was in the next room had kept him awake all night . Still , it was time that she understood that they would soon be marriedPermalink I hope you all had a wonderful weekend . It was a busy weekend for us catching up with friends and family . Plus , I just started a new book , so I have been trying to fit in some writing . Samantha is having a pretty bad week herself . Will she tell Nick about the baby ? Pregnant ? Her eyes widened in shock . He had to be mistaken . He just had to be . " Are you sure ? " she managed to say . " Positive , " he replied with a wide grin . Samantha stared at him as he explained the course of prenatal vitamins he was putting her on and the list of appointments she would soon need . She didn 't hear anything . Pregnant … The word echoed in her mind . She was pregnant . How could she have been so stupid ? How could she have been so blind ? The truth was that she hadn 't wanted to believe it . She hadn 't had a period since before she left to visit Derek 's parents that weekend . Still , she just thought that the stress had made her cycle irregular . Pregnant ? She was going to have Nick 's baby . The doctor told her that she was two months along . Sensing her discomfort with his diagnosis , he suggested that she get dressed so they could talk in his office . She woodenly pulled on the long pink dress she had been wearing feeling the room begin to spin around her . Gripping the side of the wall , she leaned back against it for support . What was she going to do ? How would she raise a child on her own ? Her salary was barely enough to make ends meet . Now , she had a baby on the way . There would be numerous doctor bills to pay . Not to mention when the baby came . She wouldn 't be able to take any more time off of work than necessary . A single tear slid down her cheek . Dear God , what was she going to do ? The next few days went by in a haze . Her mind seemed unwilling to process things . And all of the questions she had didn 't seem to have answers . The worst part was when Derek called . She just couldn 't face him … not now . She needed to think . She needed to figure out what she was going to do . Even when his calls became more insistent and panicked , she refused to answer him . She couldn 't talk to him until she had a plan . She knew that she should contact Nick , but a part of her couldn 't face it . What was she going to say ? ' Remember that time we had sex by the lake ? Well , guess what ? I got pregnant . ' SYes , she wanted to scream . It has everything to do with Nick . But she couldn 't . She couldn 't reveal too much until she had a better handle on what she was going to do . " Of course not . " His question brought an unwanted smile to her lips . Leave it to Derek to find a way to make her smile . " Right , " she agreed , shaking her head . He grinned a grin that let her know that he would forgive her anything . " Good , " he said with a playful wink . She loved talking to Derek . He could always find humor in every situation … well , almost every situation . Still , the more questions she couldn 't answer , the worse she felt . She desperately wanted to tell him about the baby . She needed someone to confide in , someone she could trust . Normally , he would fit the bill , but she couldn 't take the chance that he would tell Nick . She wasn 't ready for that . Not yet . Luckily , he kept the conversation lively as he filled her in on his latest business acquisition . Her appetite was curious at best . One moment she was extremely hungry , but by the time the food got to the table , she felt sick . " So , what 's the secret ? " he asked , startling her . Her head snapped up . " What ? " He chuckled , leaning back in his chair . " Samantha , all night you 've been looking at me like you want to tell me something . What is it ? " She squared her shoulders . She did want to tell him . She couldn 't deny that . She needed to share this with someone , even if it couldn 't be with the man she wanted . " If I tell you , you have to promise me that you won 't say anything to anyone until I 'm ready . " He sat up in his seat , his eyes narrowing . " I swear . " She took a deep breath gripping the armrests on her chair . " I 'm pregnant , " she plunged forward . His mouth dropped open , but he quickly closed it trying to cover his shock at her announcement . He looked down at the table breathing in deeply as he tried to absorb the news . Suddenly , his gaze pinned her with an unwelcome questioning . " It 's Nick 's , " she answered , with a grimace . His eyes shifted back and forth , and she knew with a sense of dread that he was trying to establish a timeline . " It happened when we went to your mother 's house , " she admitted , not having a " I know . I just need to get used to the idea , " she explained , willing him to understand . They finished their meal without any more talk of the baby . He seemed to sense her that she was too fragile to be pushed . The next few weeks he was her constant shadow . She couldn 't help but be amused by his sudden solicitous behavior . He treated her like she was a china doll , who needed his constant protection . Still , she sensed that he was burdened by the fact that she still hadn 't revealed anything to Nick . She hated the fact that she had dragged him into this , but she was still glad of the company . She knew she was just delaying the inevitable , that she should just come clean , but a part of her still held back . Once Nick knew , things would be even more complicated than they were now . Nick was a force of nature . He wouldn 't just sit back and allow her to think things through calmly . He would take control , just like he always did . She wasn 't ready for that . She had to know work things out herself , before she let him in on things . Soon , she would tell him soon , she promised herself . Derek , however , wasn 't so sure of that fact . He had waited patiently for a month after she dropped her little bomb , and she still hadn 't told his brother the truth . And worse , she didn 't seem to have any plan to divulge the information . At the rate she was going , the baby would be born before his brother learned he was about to become a daddy . He couldn 't let that happen . They may have had their differences , but he was still his brother . And if there was one thing he was certain of it was that his brother deserved to know the truth . Samantha was just glad that the indecision was gone . She no longer periled over what would happen . On the contrary , she was beginning to get excited about having this baby . Sure , it wasn 't happening the way she had once envisioned it would , but it was still happening . She had always dreamed of being a mother , of having a family of her own . Now , a part of that dream was about to come true . She was sitting on the couch thumbing through a book on baby names when a harsh knock sounded at her door . She jumped as the door reverberated with the sheer force of the knock . She laid the book on the coffee table walking over to the door . She looked through the peephole to find an irate Nick looming on the other side of the door . A gasp escaped her lips as her eyes widened . What was he doing here ? She hesitated , unsure of what to do . " Open the door , Samantha , " he commanded firmly in a voice that bellowed down the hall . The tone in his voice made her all too aware that this would not be a pleasant conversation . Her hand covered her stomach , as if she could keep the baby all to herself . At her reticence , he warned . " Open the damn door , or I will break it down . " She took a deep breath slowly unlocking the dead bolt to pull the door open . He pushed the door open wider with the flat of his hand . He shoved his way inside slamming the door behind him . She had never seen that wild look in his eyes . Her heart rate quickened . " What do you want , Nick ? " she asked , wishing she heard more strength in her voice . His eyes were alive with curiosity as he glanced around the room . Her apartment was small , but the decor made it homey . He breathed in her scent as he glanced at the overstuffed chair she had so recently vacated . His eyes narrowed as they caught a glimpse of the book that sat on the table . He walked over picking it up . He held it up in the air as he walked back to stand in front of her . " Do you have something to tell me ? " Oh my god , he knows . She knew he was waiting for an explanation , but her mouth suddenly wouldn 't work . How had he found out ? The answer came to her as quickly as the question had . Derek . Derek must have told him about the baby . Damn him , she thought angrily . Why hadn 't she just kept her big mouth shut ? His eyebrows rose , as if her lack of speech amused him . Unfortunately , the amusement did nothing to conceal the barely restrained fury in his eyes . " Nothing to say , Sam ? Well , let me help you . You 're having my baby . Isn 't there a song that goes something like that ? Of course , in the song that was her way of telling him that she loved him . Somehow , I don 't think that applies here , does it ? " He circled her making her feel even more vulnerable than she already did . She tried to walk away from him , but he followed her backing her into a corner . " I was going to tell you , Nick , " she said , her voice so low it was almost a whisper . Her explanation sounded pathetic , she knew , but it was all she had . He threw his head back on a harsh laugh . " You were going to tell me , huh ? When ? When the kid graduated from high school ? " Her body began to shake at his nearness . The look in his eyes confirmed what she already knew . He was furious with her , and he had every right to be . Still , she wouldn 't let him bully her . " This is my baby , Nick . It doesn 't have anything to do with you . " She took a step back from the barely restrained violence she saw flash in his eyes , but unfortunately , she only succeeded in forcing herself further into the wall . He grabbed her forearms , giving her a harsh shake . " Oh , that 's where you 're wrong . This has everything to do with me . Did you think that I would let you keep my child from me , Sam ? Did you ? I thought you knew me better than that . " Fear rose up in her chest . He had never been violent with her before . He had never even playfully slapped her . Still , seeing the look in his eyes , she couldn 't help but be afraid . The worst part was that she knew he was right . She should 've told him . She just hadn 't wanted to see him , talk to him , touch him . Not so soon after what had happened between them . She could smell the faint scent of his cologne , and it made her dizzy . She tried to compose herself . If only he wouldn 't stand so close , then maybe she could control her erraNow , looking down at her , he felt the urgent need to comfort , to protect . Her eyes slowly fluttered open to focus on him . He sat down on the couch beside her , turning to look deeply into her eyes . " Why didn 't you tell me ? " he asked , his voice broken . Tears clouded her deep blue eyes . " I was afraid , " she whispered honestly . At first , he didn 't think that he had heard her correctly . " You were afraid ? " he questioned . She shook her head lowering her gaze to rest on her lap . He couldn 't help but notice the protective movement of her hand , which strayed to her stomach . " Of me ? " She glanced at him , before nodding her head in agreement . His hand came up to caress her cheek . Her gaze hesitantly rose to meet his in surprise . His thumb stroked the tender skin of her cheek , as he leaned over to brush his lips against hers . Her breath caught as he skimmed her lower lip with his tongue . Her mouth opened allowing him access to the inner depths . His tongue explored the depths of her mouth mating with her tongue in an age - old rhythm . Her hands came up to encircle his neck clinging desperately . He pulled her closer to him on the couch , his hands softly kneading her hips . His mouth devoured hers as if the time they had been apart had been as painful for him as it was for her . Suddenly , he pulled away stilling her attempts to pull his head back down to her . " We need to talk , " he observed huskily . She pulled back to gaze at him , her eyes still clouded with passion . Whether she wanted to admit it or not , she had missed him . She had missed everything about him . She waited for him to speak , memorizing every detail of his mouth , his eyes , his nose and his cheeks . She hadn 't realized how hungry she was for him until she saw him . Now , her hunger threatened to take control . Before she could stop herself , her hands came up to caress his face traveling to lightly trace his ear . A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth , before quickly being replaced with a serious look . " I think that we should get married , " he Permalink |
This will probably go down in the history book as the most devastating hurricane to hit the northeast . They gave us plenty of warning . Many were skeptical that it would be so bad because we have never lived through anything as bad as this storm , in terms of damage . The fact that it was a category 1 storm was deceptive because the totality of the situation created more of a category 4 type of destructive flooding . I am still trying to absorb all the problems being reported in the news this morning . We live in inland , in an old house . I imagined the shingles flying off with the 90 mph winds being forecasted . I was most worried about the two side by side trees in the backyard . They are very tall with full branches and if they came down they would land on my daughter 's bedroom . After hearing me worry about the trees enough times , my daughter agreed to sleep downstairs , on the couch , out of harm 's way . All we could do was watch and wait the entire day . It rained lightly all day , but around 7 PM the winds started howling , the windows rattling and I even felt my bed vibrate . Still it was nothing compared to what was happening along the coastline to so many others . We had an early dinner in case we suddenly lost power . My brother , who lives not even a mile away from us , lost power . He was not prepared for the storm . He was irritated . He called me on his cell . We had a couple of conversations . This is how it went . Vin : My power went out . My family stayed in the living room , where there are no windows and more importantly , the large screen television and the girls ' laptops and phones . All life 's necessities were there and a short distance from food and snacks . I watched the news all day , until I got a headache . Some areas were already under water while we were still waiting for the storm to hit here . At least I was in peace knowing that my husband and girls were home and safe . There is nothing more worrisome than to have your family out and scattered during a storm of any kind and waiting for them to get home . My younger daughter actually starts work next week , so she was able to spend yesterday and today and who knows how many more days , with her sister . I actually don 't remember the last time we are all home together and it wasn 't a holiday or something . My older daughter 's new job is on the block with the falling , dangling crane . Yeah , can you believe that ? Her block was evacuated because of that . The crane will probably be easier to fix than the subway flooding . We don 't know how or when she will be able to get back to work right now . I went to sleep , surprisingly . My daughter did honor her promise to sleep on the couch . I woke up at midnight from an emergency service call of some kind … then they called again at 2 am . I finally pulled the plug out of the wall . I suppose some needed those calls , but I didn 't . I got up this morning . The trees were intact , the shingles were still on the house . My daughter was on the couch at 5 : 30 am . I woke her up and finally made her go up to her bed so she can sleep in . The girls are still sleeping . I called my brother , who is still without power . I told him to pack whatever he needs to charge and bring it over . I can feed him lunch and dinner while he occupies himself with the internet . He tells me maybe he will come … never gives me a definite answer , but he has nothing else to do . We got away with murder , to say the least . The next order of business is figuring out how my brother and daughter can get back to work . My brother will be totally preoccupied with his lack of power , but I think it will take a while to fix that . I am guessing they will send all Con Ed employees into Manhattan first . That 's our story . I 'm glad I don 't have anything major to report . I guess I will see how the devastated parts of the city affect our lives in the days ahead . For now we will pray for those impacted the most by the storm . . . and there are too many of those . No one asked my opinion , but when has that ever stopped me from talking ? I 've been reading about the recent develops , the leaked emails , Tyrone Woods father 's comments , etc and it 's like putting together 1 , 000 piece puzzle in the dark . I have had many family members and friends serve in the military throughout my lifetime . I have been blessed in that none of them came to any harm and after serving their country ; they all came back home to us safe and sound . But , if any of them had been hurt or lost their lives , you can bet I would want to know the complete and unaltered truth of what happened , every detail of it . And , I would want those , who have all the pieces , to put the puzzle together for me and fast . Now when I first heard about the attack , the only thing I heard was that it was being blamed on a , anti - Islam film produced here . I have to say that this bothered me . I know it doesn 't take much to provoke a terrorist attack , but I wondered why the attack took place where it did . Why that embassy ? Why over a film ? Why were these particular Americans killed ? Something didn 't sit well with me about it all . During the debate , it was brought out that the day after the attack that President Obama said we would not put up with terrorist attacks , but he did not call this incident a terrorist attack . Instead , we heard a lot more about this film in the days thereafter . At the time I suppose I thought that our intelligence had good reason to believe the attack was in some way related to this " movie " and they were taking steps to find those responsible for the murders . In the past couple of days , emails have been leaked , and they indicate that a terrorist group took credit for the attack . It 's been reveal that there was communication with the people at the embassy , during the time of the attack , and that they were asking for help . I won 't pretend I know all the facts , because I don 't . What I do know is that four Americans were killed , there was reason to believe it was a terrorist attack , no help was apparently being sent and that military personnel may have even been ordered not to go into the area . There has to be a lot more to it . But what exactly ? That 's my issue , the truth . I dislike it when facts are twisted until you don 't recognize them any more . I detest lies . I am not satisfied that the truth about this attack has been revealed . I am not happy with the time it is taking for all the details to come out . The victims families deserve to know the whole truth about how their loved ones died . How much was our government aware of , and what was done or not done to protect them or to try to save them ? If it was my family member , I would want to know the truth . And , the American people deserve the truth about our enemies . What bothers me too is Hillary Clinton 's statement about the emails that were recently released . She cautioned against " cherry picking one story here or one document there " and said it is critical to look at the totality of information before coming to any conclusions . There may be some merit in her comment , but where are all the documents ? Where is the " totality of information ? " What is being held back ? Why are we waiting until after the election for a committee to review all the information ? Will the truth change the outcome of the election ? Are they waiting until they have captured all those responsible ? Is withholding the information a matter of national security ? Why was it being blamed on the film when there were strong indications this was a terrorist attack ? Why are we being left in the dark to draw our own conclusions ? I don 't take terrorism lightly . Having lived through the 9 / 11 attack on the Twin Towers in New York City was a life changing event . Our lives are still being affected by it today . " If you see something , say something , " is our city 's slogan for citizens who see suspicious packages or people . Airport security is horrendous . We can 't even bring enough toiletries with us to last a week . My daughter 's bag was even being checked daily at the subway station a couple of months ago . So , when there us an act of terrorism , why aren 't we being told about it and why is it being blamed on a film ? I suspect that the truth will come out . I think there are more emails in the wings waiting to be exposed . It would have been better to deal with the truth head on , at the time of the attack and let the chips fall where they may . Now it appears , for whatever reason , that we may have been mislead , the facts misrepresented , the truth concealed . I can 't help but ask why ? The conclusions I am being forced to draw are not very good . I hope and pray George Woods and the families of Glen Doherty , Chris Stevens , Sean Smith get the answers they are looking for . They deserve at least that much . They have been the most affected by this tragedy . They should not be mislead or misinformed or lied to . They have suffered devastating losses . It 's appalling that Pat Smith , mother of Sean Smith , has to wonder and say , " Just tell me the truth . . . I look at TV and I see bloody hand prints on walls , thinking , my god , is that my son 's ? I don 't know if he was shot . I don 't know . " Somebody knows . Stop " cherry picking " what you tell these families and tell them the truth . A friend of mine was curious about my opinion regarding Donald Trumps five million dollar offer to President Obama . Trump says he would give five million dollars to any charity of the President 's choice if he produces college transcripts and his passport . Frankly , I would have taken him up on his offer if I were the president , because certainly the information is readily available . However the president might be a little busy these days and have time to entertain the pathetic meanderings of an attention seeking , faux - celebrity who is attempting to distract everyone 's focus from the election and issues . So Trump made an offer that the president didn 't fall for and wisely refused . Why would Trump make such an offer just days before the presidential election ? There is a ton of speculation . I think he made the offer to get media attention for himself , and he succeeded . Five million dollars may not be a lot of money to Trump , but to most of us it is a huge sum of money . It 's enough of a story to have media sources clamoring . Why else might Trump have made the offer ? Trump was the most annoying voice demanding to see President Obama 's birth certificate . Now that the birth certificate has been produced , he is trying to stir the pot again , with the same doubting voters , asking for the release of other documentation . However , I read somewhere that even the Republicans are not happy with this transparent ploy . Trump is bringing up an old strategy that has been put to rest , while the GOP has moved on to making the economy their main issue . So Trump is like an annoying fly , buzzing around and making noise and distracting people from the main issues in order to bring attention to himself . And , as Trump is associated with the GOP , he isn 't doing anything to advance Romney 's cause with this ill timed , feeble gimmick . Now , here is where I have to make a confession . I was reading and skimming various news items quickly and , being distracted by personal issues of my own , I misread : Trump , 5 billion dollars and Romney . I didn 't think anything of it . I thought it was a joke , because what I actually thought I read was Trump Offers Romney 5 Billion Dollars if he will release 10 years of tax returns . Yes , that is the God 's honest truth . That made more sense to me that the actual facts , even when they were pointed out to me . Now , what we need is a wealthy democrat offering a similar deal to Romney . If Romney will produce his tax returns they will give five million dollars to the 47 % of the country he insulted . That is , before he switched to running for president of 100 % of the country . So what did Trump accomplish ? He didn 't hurt President Obama , who laughed off his offer , along with most of America . He made Romney and the GOP look bad . And , he made a laughing stock out of himself . Yesterday , my cousin Lenny passed away . Len was like a second father to me , even though he had five children of his own . He loved kids , he loved his family . He was a family man above everything else in life . He will be greatly missed . Lenny was a big man , over six feet tall and over 200 pounds . He towered over us when we were little . He was the biggest person on my side of the family , but what was even bigger than his outer physique , was his heart . He always put on a tough exterior , but inside he was kind , sensitive and gentle . He was easily hurt and moved to tears . You had to really know him well to know that about him . What made him happiest was having his family all around him . When he was 18 and out of high school , he enlisted in the military . It wasn 't long before he called his high school sweetheart and asked her to marry him . She went to meet him and they married near where he was stationed . It was a small wedding , no family members were present . In 2006 , I went to their 50th wedding anniversary . Their children put together a wonderful slide show of the years they spent together . A montage of all the people who were important in their lives . It was very touching and brought many of us there to tears . My cousin Lenny was my mother 's nephew , not just in name , but in personality traits , attitude and looks . He could have been her son . My brother and I would spend our summers with his family when we were teenagers . He lived in the suburbs and we lived in the city . He always welcomed us with open arms . It was our home away from home . My mother and father would visit us there every weekend and it was really a special time in all our lives . I have so many thoughts and memories swimming through my head this morning , like how he loved those Nabisco dark chocolate graham crackers . I loved them too . There were only 15 in a package and he would eat them all , with a quart of milk , at one sitting . I remember how he would come home from work in the afternoon , open the mail and ask if anyone called and then eat a whole Entenmann 's cake right before dinner . The nights he was home watching baseball , he would snack on things , but mostly I remember the huge bowls of Breyers ice cream that he loved most . He loved his sweets . It wasn 't easy supporting five kids either . He insisted that his wife stay home to raise them , so he worked three jobs to make ends meet and pay the mortgage . He had a full time job in the day with the railroad , worked at a local gas station at night and at his father 's dry cleaning store on Saturdays . It was a struggle at times . I remember the first summer I went to stay with Lenny and his family . In was in 1967 and they had three children at that time . I was supposed to be staying for a week . But , during that week he went out and bought a four foot swimming pool for the backyard . He had it assembled by the time I was supposed to go home . He asked me if I wanted to stay an extra week so I could enjoy the pool . Truth be told , I was homesick and didn 't care for pools , but I felt bad to say so . I called my mother and asked if I could stay another week , she agreed . If not for that second week , I may not have gone back summer after summer . It was during that time that I really got comfortable and over my shyness , felt at home and part of their family . Sometimes I think my cousin Lenny didn 't consider himself a " successful " man . He had ordinary jobs , made average salaries and he worked hard every day of his life . But , in my eyes , he was one of the most successful men I have ever known . He had a long marriage of 56 years with a wife who loved him and catered to his every need . He had the love of five beautiful children , eight grandchildren , two great grandchildren , aunts , uncles , cousins , friends . He was big , but gentle . He was hard , but sensitive . He was tough , but loving . He had his priorities straight from the very beginning … family first . He instilled his family values in his children . If the true measure of a man 's life lies in the capacity of his heart for love and kindness , providing for his family , the love and respect he has inspired in his loved ones , his hard work and honesty , and the many hearts he has touched , then my cousin Lenny was a great man . He will live on in his children and their chRest in peace , Lenny , I love you . My mother left me with my three aunts and grandmother when she went to give birth . It was a lousy day in February and my uncle was afraid to drive her because of snow and ice , so she had to call a car service . My aunts took care of me for the couple of days she was away . The day she walked through the door , she was holding my brother in her arms . She took one look at me and put him down on the couch . As she came to give me a hug she said , " What the hell did they do to you ? " From what I could gather , she didn 't like the way they had my hair or how I was dressed . My mother always had my hair brushed so every strand was in place and I was clean and nicely dressed . I guess all of their care didn 't measure up to her standards . I didn 't care about any of that , I was just glad to have my mother back . Those couple of days seemed like an eternity to me . The next weeks and months I watched my mother as she did all the necessary baby things . She washed diapers , sterile the bottles in a huge pot and then filled them with formula . What ever she did , I was right by her side . My brother was cute . Sometimes he would laugh in his sleep , and that kind of scared me . I enjoyed having a baby brother , at least for a while . My brother soon grew into an annoying toddler . He never wanted to play with his own toys . Instead he would constantly try to take my dolls and doll carriage away from me . He would cry and I would complain to my mother , but it was always the same , " let him play with it , he is just a baby . " Whenever we got in trouble , it was always me on the hot seat because I was " older and should know better . " However , he wasn 't so bad after he outgrew this stage . Before long , I had to go to school . It was a big change in my life . I really didn 't like the idea and I would cry for my mother to take me back home . My mother , who is no stranger to lying , thought up a clever ruse . She told me my brother was sick and she had to go home and call the doctor . What five year old can argue with that ? So off she went and there I stayed . This went on for a couple of days , maybe even a week . I don 't know how I fell for it , because I was a very smart kid at 5 . I think I just blindly believed everything my mother told me . I did ask her , " Isn 't he ever going to get better ? " But , eventually , my mother dropped her story and I adjusted to going to school . My brother and I played together more than most brothers and sisters might have throughout their childhoods . We were raised in a four room , railroad apartment until we were in our twenties . We played in front of the house and in the backyard . We went to the same schools and had many of the same teachers . We 've shared just about everything in life . We can tell each other anything . The one thing my mother always tried to instill in us is that we should always love and care for each other . She would make that speech every now and then . She told us one day she and my father wouldn 't be around and we would only have each other . We understood what she was trying to say and her prayers were answered . My brother and I love each other unconditionally and we have always been there for each other no matter what . I know he loves my girls as though they were his own . He has always been good to me and my family and he visits us nearly every Sunday afternoon to tell us a lively story or two about the pet peeves in his life . I have tried to instill the same thing in my own girls . They are also very close . They always have been , growing up together almost the same way my brother and I did . They have gone their separate ways since hitting their twenties . College , jobs , their social lives have caused them to spend less time together , as happened with my brother and I . But they make an effort to spend time together , to share similar interests and I love it when I hear them laughing together . I know there isn 't anything they wouldn 't do for each other . I never had to give them my mother 's speech . I know nothing will come between them , just like my brother and I . And the certainty of knowing that gives me great peace of mind . My memory goes back pretty far , to when I was two years old . I may not remember what you said yesterday , but I have some vivid memories of my past and one of them is of my toilet training . As always , my mother didn 't read Dr . Spock when it came to parenting . She always had her own unique and sometimes unorthodox style of handling various situations . This is one of them . I am going to share it with the world ! My mother got married late in life . She was 36 years old when she married and had me when she was 38 . She already lost what little patience she might have had and her biological clock was ticking away . She got pregnant with my brother before I was two and was due to have him when I was two and a half . Back then there were no Pampers , just those cloth diapers that you had to wash . There was just no way my mother was going to wash diapers for two ! She made up her mind that I should be toilet trained before my brother got here and she made sure it happened . One day she takes me into the bathroom and sits me on the huge toilet and tells me to make " poop " or whatever she called it back then . Now , mind you , she didn 't buy a cover for the toilet seat to make the hole smaller or get me a little step stool so my feet could feel something solid under them . You have no idea how high up a toilet seat is or how big the hole seems to a petite two year old girl . I might as well have been sitting over the Grand Canyon as scared as I was . But , I knew enough not to complain . I was a smart toddler . I was so frightened sitting there , half in the hole with my feet dangling , not knowing what to do . So , I held on to the sink with my right hand and to the hamper with my left hand , for dear life , and just sat there . It seemed I sat there for a very long time . It 's kind of hard to get motivated to " go " when you are a bit terrified of falling down a hole . I didn 't want to get flushed down the toilet if I fell in ! That 's all I could think of . So I sat there . My mother would check on me every once in a while to see how I was holding up . Finally , after what seemed to be an eternity , I complied with my mother 's " on demand " request , and she was very pleased at the results . I was relieved to get off the " hot " or " cold " seat , depending how you look at it . I couldn 't wait to put that traumatic experience behind me . Goes to show you how little I knew … My mother put a little pair of white underwear on me . She smiled a big smile and told me , " Now you are a BIG girl ! You tell me when you have to make # 1 or # 2 , so you can use the toilet . And , if you ever go in your underwear again , I 'll kill you . " Many years ago , while visiting my cousin in Florida , we were having a lively conversation around the kitchen table , that turned into a debate . My brother , my mother , my cousin and her brother and I were all in the kitchen My brother brings up the fact that you can 't break an egg in your hand , no matter how hard you squeeze it . My cousin 's brother didn 't believe it . This went on for several minutes until the inevitable happened . My cousin 's brother got up from the table and went to the refrigerator to get an egg . He walked over to the sink and held the egg in the palm of his hand . He asked my brother which way do you want me to hold it . My brother and I are standing right there to watch " supposedly " nothing happen . My mother and cousin were across the room , still at the table chatting about how stupid we were . The moment of truth arrives as my cousin 's brother announces he will now crush the egg . He applies pressure , the egg breaks and the contents go flying ! Some of the egg got on the curtains above the kitchen sink . However , the bulk of the yolk went flying across the room and landed on my mother 's head … prompting a cursing streak from my mother and hysterical laughter from everyone else . My cousin was not too amused , after she stopped laughing , because she had to wash her curtains . Another egg story , also many years ago . As a teenager I was fascinated with eggs . My mother broke them so perfectly that when you joined the two halves together , you could not even see the crack . Sometimes I would use Elmer 's glue and glue the halves together for the fun of it . This was well before we had iphones and computers and had to use our imaginations . This little pass time of mine got me an A on a college art project when I cut out a large egg shape from white cardboard and filled it with empty glued eggshells . The art professor loved it . Now , my mother had a mischievous thought one day . We were going to visit a friend of hers that we hadn 't seen in a long time . She tells me to glue a few eggs together for her to bring to her friend 's house . After all the " hellos " and hugs , and while her friend , Mary , is distracted taking our coats to another room , my mother put 's the fake eggs into her refrigerator with her other eggs . Mary comes out and they start chatting . My mother tells Mary that she learned how to juggle eggs . Mary laughs . I laugh . My mother goes into the refrigerator and removes the fake eggs to show her how she does it . Mary starts saying , " No , no ! " My mother begins throwing the eggs into the air and they all land on the floor . Mary is looking all over for the yolks . My mother is dying laughing . Mary is calling her crazy while exclaiming , " Where are the yolks ? I can 't find the yolks ! " It took a good while to calm down enough to be able to talk and tell her it was a joke . My mother had a spare egg to show her what we had done . My mother then took her broom and swept up the shells . I have to say that I was riveted by season one of American Horror Story , though I found it confusing and hard to follow in the beginning . I wished I had blogged it because I think I would have appreciated it even more and understood what was going on a lot sooner . I am going to try to blog the important events as best I can . I find myself confused and lost once again this season . Forgive me if I get a few things wrong . The " Asylum " is called Briarcliff Manor . We get flashbacks to the 1960 's , when it was open and run by Sister Jude . The setting is creepy and very dark and worse still are the " patients . " The official description of the series reads : " A church - run haven for the criminally insane , ruled with an iron fist by Sister Jude ( Jessica Lange ) , a nun with a troubled past … From Nazis and serial killers , to mutants and aliens , no one is safe inside these walls . " I could never have summed it up so well ! The story opens with newlyweds , Leo and Theresa , taking a romp inside the very old , run down , and empty asylum . Why a newlywed couple find that intriguing is beyond me . However we find the couple is very compatible as they both get turned on by the unsettling atmosphere and decide to get intimate in the " Death Chute , " an underground tunnel where they would get rid of dead bodies . However , they never really consummate their plans because Leo 's arm gets ripped out of it 's socket when he sticks it through a cell door , and Theresa runs around screaming and trying to get out and get help . Theresa 's screams lead us to a flashback to the 60 's , where we meet Kit Walker aka " Bloody Face . " Kit runs a gas station in the south and has a black bride , which was frowned upon in that era . After a session of love making with his bride , she goes off to make him dinner and an extremely bright light flashes into the bedroom . Kit runs out of the house with a shotgun . He hears his wife scream and when he returns into the house he is confronted by the blinding white light , deafening noise and is pulled up to the ceiling . Meanwhile , at the asylum , Lana Winters , a reporter , pretends she wants to do a story on the asylum 's bakery , but she really wants to meet " Bloody Face . " She is greeted by one of the residents who she believes to be harmless . However , the creepy looking , insane , deformed drawf - like creature has killed her sister 's baby and cut it 's ears off . Lana meets with Sister Jude and tries to get her to agree to letting her talk to " Bloody Face " for three minutes . " Bloody Face " is due to arrive at the asylum within minutes where he will remain until his trial . Kit " Bloody Face " Walker is supposed to be a serial killer of women and has gotten his name from the fact that he wears a mask made of human flesh . Sister Jude is annoyed with Lana for trying to " con " her and if we know anything about Jessica Lange 's characters , you do NOT cross them ! Then we meet Grace , the asylum resident who takes a liking to " Bloody Face " and befriends him . There is a good looking priest , Timothy Howard , who considers Sister Jude his right arm . At dinner he tells her when his is promoted from Bishop to Cardinal to Pope , she will be going right along with him . Sister Jude loves that idea , but she loves the idea of screwing Father Tim even more , and fantasizes about it at dinner . We are also introduced to Dr . Arthur Arden , who Sister Jude doesn 't like at all . She accuses him of doing something with the four bodies , who died without family , and mysteriously disappeared . He blows her off . Not the best idea to tick off Sister Jude , but I am the only one who picked up on that ! I get the impression that Dr . Arden is a modern day Dr . Frankenstein and is creating his own " monsters " in the asylum , as if there weren 't enough of them already in there . Dr . Arthur finds himself alone with Kit Walker and performs a procedure removing a foreign , spiderlike implant from his neck . The implant is alive and takes off and I 'm sure we will see it again , don 't you ? And Lana can 't seem to take no for an answer , so she returns to the asylum and sneaks around , trying to find " Bloody Face " only to get caught . Who could have seen this coming ? It seems good old Sister Jude has managed to blackmail Lana 's lesbian lover into committing her . Lana is now a permanent resident of Briarcliff . And so ends episode one . I am going to try to catch it on demand and watch it again . I just know I missed some fascinating little twist , turns and foreshadowing ! What did you think ? I think Asylum is off to a great start and can 't wait to see what happens next week ! Yesterday was Sunday and , as usual , my brother Vin pays us an afternoon visit . With every visit comes a story . This week the story was one that I relate to and I am going to try and do it justice here . My brother knows a co - worker of German descent , we will call her Greta , who is married to Sean , of Irish descent . He tells us that Greta always has stories of her in - laws every week . The closest he can get us to understand this is to compare it to Everybody Loves Raymond . He says the in - laws have two sons , one who they didn 't care if he got married , and Sean , who they didn 't want to marry Greta . My brother says that Greta worked for a long time helping Sean , while he was building up a new business and it started to make money . Then they had two little girls . Sean 's father works for him in his company . Vin was talking to Greta this week and she tells him about the " clinking of the glass " incident . Apparently , Greta and Sean were at some kind of family celebration and when it came time for the toast , Greta unintentionally did not " clink " her glass with her mother in - law . The mother in - law took this oversight as a huge insult . Suffice to say that the in - laws have not been talking to Greta and Sean for quite some time . Greta has been telling Sean just apologize if that is what they want and be over with it . Now as it happens , Greta and Sean 's daughter had a birthday recently . You might be wondering if the in - laws made an appearance ? No , they did not . The feud continues and the father in - law dropped off a present for his granddaughter in Sean 's office . Sean was understandably upset because now he has to try to explain to his daughter why her grandparents won 't be at her birthday . All for the clink of a glass ! Greta tells Vin that they have always alternated holidays and this Thanksgiving is her turn . She wonders if her in - laws will be coming . Then she tells my brother , if they don 't come , she will invite " us " over ( my brother and our family ) because she really wants to meet us . Turns out Greta and Sean live right in my neighborhood too . There is something about Greta I really like ! Okay so if Greta had her own blog , this would make a great story . But all the while my brother was talking , I looked at him in wide eyed amazement . I kept saying are you sure her in - laws aren 't Italian ? I have never a story like this , that could have easily happened to me word for word ! My brother laughs and says no , they aren 't Italian . My next thought goes to a nice Thanksgiving dinner that I don 't have to cook ! All for the clink of a glass ! Now aside from the fact that this story sounds like an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond , or a page out of my book , the situation is actually very sad . People waste so much precious time with petty foolishness . Who knows what tomorrow will bring or if anyone of us will wake up tomorrow ? Is this the way you want to spend the last of your days , if your time is suddenly up ? Sometimes people need a wake - up call , an adjustment of their priorities , or a smack in the head ! Get over the clink of a glass ! She called the mother in law and told her she was sorry about the incident and that it was unintentional and her mother in law called her a liar . Her mother in law said that she has always been rude to her . She tried to tell her that she had a $ 15 martini in her hand and that she did not want it all over the table . She called her husband and told him what happened . The father was there and was happy to hear about the call but didn 't know what his wife had said . The husband is going to call the mother tomorrow . Wouldn 't it be great if we could rewrite history and take out all the bad things that happened ? It would be better still if they never happened at all . Now that 's what some educators have been trying to do in the states of Texas , Tennessee and God knows where else . They want to remove slavery from the history books in school , or if not , at least put a good spin on it . I was stunned to read a few articles on the subject this morning . I wasn 't aware that this expunging of slavery was going on , although I have heard it said quite a few times , that there are people who don 't believe the Holocaust ever happened , even with raw footage of the atrocities from WWII Germany posted all over the internet . Whatever happened to the saying " Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it ? " ( George Santayana ) . How are we going to remember it , if it 's existence is eradicated from books ? There are some of the things I have read in total disbelief . In Texas they want to rename slavery as " Atlantic triangular trade " in their children 's history books . Later this was changed to trans - Atlantic slave trade . They want to eliminate slavery , minimize it or " white wash " it . To add to this , from what I have read , the state of Texas buys so many textbooks that it will greatly influence what publishers decide to put in ALL textbooks , which may impact children 's education all over the country . In Tennessee , the Tea Party , wants to protect the " reputation " of the founding fathers , so they want to edit out that they owned slaves . They also want to " adjust " how Native Americans were treated . In other words they want the founding fathers to appear " perfect and flawless , " or at least look as good as possible . Basically , they want to replace true and well documented historical events with lies and deception , and then teach this altered version in the classroom . Are we going to teach our children lies ? Why is this happening ? Well , there are certain groups who believe that the history we have learned for decades , has a " liberal slant . " The fact that slavery existed , our founding fathers owned them , that Native Americans lost their homeland , and that both groups were very badly abused , and so much more , is just a " liberal slant ? " And these are just some of the most shocking and radical of several changes planned to be implemented over the next decade . Recently , Republican Representative of Arkansas , Jon Hubbard , wrote in a self - published book , that slavery was a " blessing in disguise . " His reasoning ? " . . . the institution of slavery that the black race has long believed to be an abomination upon its people may actually have been a blessing in disguise . The blacks who could endure those conditions and circumstances would someday be rewarded with citizenship in the greatest nation ever established upon the face of the Earth . " ( Pages 183 - 89 ) He says many other ignorant things , including : " Wouldn 't life for blacks in America today be more enjoyable and successful if they would only learn to appreciate the value of a good education ? " ( Page 184 ) Read more here : http : / / www . arktimes . com How wonderful for African Americans ! Makes you wonder why they have been angry for over 200 years ! ( Insert sarcasm ) . There are some that say insist that racism is over in this country . There is no need for any Affirmative Action . Really ? I am not black , but I know there is still plenty of racism . A few years ago , when a friend was here visiting me , we took a walk to a neighborhood store . We picked up a few items and brought them to the counter . I paid for mine with my credit card . My friend took out her credit card and was asked to present her ID with it . I wasn 't asked for ID . My friend is black . She took notice of this little " slight " and mentioned it to me . I felt embarrassed for even taking her into that store . The is just a tiny example of how ingrained racism is in many in this country . It may be so ingrained they may not even be consciously aware of it . But it comes out and shows itself in plenty of situations . Why do we need to have laws against " racial profiling " if racism doesn 't exist ? And now , there are those that are comfortable with eliminating and / or rewriting history to say that slavery , as we know it to have been documented and have been taught , didn 't exist ? How does any school system or group of educators reach this conclusion and think it is okay ? How do you deny the truth ? How does one deny the lynchings , the whippings , the rapes that took place ? Someone please explain to me how this is okay ? Posted by As unbelievable as that sounds , I 've actually seen quite a few sites trying to make an argument that President Obama is like Hitler . To say that shocks me , is an understatement . I wish I was well versed in history to list all the atrocities committed by Hitler , but the death of six million Jews alone , should speak for itself . This man is quite possibly the worst human being to have ever walked the face of the earth , and yet somehow people feel justified in comparing him to our president . Maybe we should revisit some of the crimes that Hitler was responsible for to show how wrong and ludicrous this comparison really is . Hitler has been referred to a " madman " because of the extent of his evil acts . He knew exactly what he was doing and it did it enthusiastically . His crimes were atrocities against Jews and mankind . Not only did he ordered the deaths of six million innocent Jews , men women and children , he caused World War II . Countless lives of all nationalities were lost in that war trying to stop his reign of terror . Does anyone remember the concentration camps , the mass graves , how body parts were put into baskets and later used to make soap ? Once , when I was in high school , I had a young , Jewish English teacher , Miss Dodes . I really liked this teacher a lot . She was enthusiastic and it was contagious . One day we were discussing the book , " Animal Farm , " by George Orwell . It was an allegorical book using symbolism to describe World War II . We were each given a symbol and told to explain how it relates to this historic event . One of my friends gave her speech on " Hitler 's Germany " and , when she was done , the teacher asked , " What about the killing of six million Jews ? that had been left it out of her report . My friend answered , " I didn 't think that was important . " Miss Dodes blew a gasket ! She took the comment to mean the girl didn 't think the Holocaust was important , but what she meant was that the Holocaust wasn 't depicted in the book , so she didn 't include it . Never - the - less , Miss Dodes would not let this rest because , like all Jews and many others , she believes the Holocaust should never be forgotten . The following day she brought in a very long , black and white documentary of actual footage of the Holocaust , from World War II Germany . It described and showed in graphic detail , the despicable , evil , unimaginable things that were done to the Jewish people and their corpses . If I forget everything that I ever learned in high school , I will never forget that video . I know that everyone wants to make the opposing candidate look bad so their candidate will win an election . They will pull out every skeleton in their closet ; drag their family through the mud ; twist their words around and take them out of context ; they will lie about them ; they will contribute huge sums of money to their campaign ; they will volunteer for their campaign … all in a collaborative effort to get their man elected . Both sides do it . It 's nothing new . But , when you try to demonize a man , any man , by comparing him to Hitler , you have crossed a line . Is anyone in the history of the world comparable to Hitler ? Not in my mind . What little history I have learned throughout my education , no one even comes close to his crimes and reputation . But , that 's not even the worst of it . What is worse and sadder still , in my opinion , is that while some are busy trying to demonize President Obama with this comparison , they are at the same time minimizing and trivializing the crimes against Jews and humanity by Hitler . They are disrespecting and insulting those who died in the Holocaust . How many Jewish people do you think would be happy or agree with this comparison ? How does anyone agree with this comparison ? I have no idea . None . Joe Gandalman , a Jewish writer , doesn 't agree with it . He writes , " Several times before his 1973 death my grandfather Abraham Ravinsky would open his family photo album and show me pictures of men , women and children who had been our relatives in Russia who were among the many exterminated by Hitler . He 'd point : " Killed by Hitler … killed by Hitler … killed by Hitler " He 'd look at me , then go on , telling me a murdered relative 's name . I still think of those doomed little kids . " And here 's another thing that occurs to me . There are those who may be trying to gain Jewish votes with this tactic , but their strategy will backfire . Comparing President Obama to Hitler is not going to score points , quite the opposite . They are touching on a very real , and still very painful nerve , mentioning Hitler . They are opening up old wounds and making them relive a tragic part of their history . It 's all very disturbing to me and I 'm not Jewish . And when I hear these comparisons being made , I remember one of my favorite books of all time , The Diary Of Anne Frank . It 's the story of a 13 years old Jewish girl , whose family went into hiding in Holland . I had the inspiring privilege of visiting " The Annex , " where her family hid during World War II , when I was visiting Amsterdam many years ago . Her diary is well worth reading and you can find many graphic videos of the Holocaust online , similar to the one I saw in high school , if anyone is interested . I 'm posting a short video of Anne Frank 's Diary below . Anne Frank did not survive the Holocaust , but thank God her diary did . It 's been reported that , after the Bible , this is the most read book worldwide . Every year I run out of gift ideas . It 's not easy , even with a short list of people to buy for , to come up with ideas everyone will like . Last year I decided to give everyone a nice , new mug . CVS was having a special on 15 oz . mugs for $ 11 . 99 , if I remember right . I decided to look for some special pictures to put on each of my gift mugs and they were a hit last year . For my husband , I selected a picture of his favorite Beatle album cover , which is Abbey Road . He listens to the Beatles all the time and I knew he would enjoy seeing that image on his mug every morning . My younger daughter was a little harder . She is not a long term , die hard fan of anything . But I happened to catch her watching reruns of " Sunny In Philadelphia " every night before dinner . It was obvious she was a fan of the show , so I found a picture of the cast , with the name of the show , for her mug . My daughter and her boyfriend had just taken a trip to Paris and London . I rummaged through their pictures and found one of the two of them with the London Bridge in the background . I made two identical mugs of that picture for the two of them . My brother 's favorite movie is " Brokeback Mountain . " I have been wanting to get him a mug with a picture from that movie for a long time . There were tons of great pictures online and I picked one . I have to say everyone was really happy with their mugs . All I had to do was go online to the CVS site photo department , upload the photos and have them delivered to the store . It was so simple and the mugs turned out great . The best part is you can put just about anything you want or can find on a mug and make it very personal . Some mugs even let you add two different pictures , one on each side . If you like the idea you have plenty of time to do your homework … I thought of my idea at the last minute last year , but still got them in plenty of time . College kids today go through four years of school , accumulate massive debt and end up back on their parent 's couch . Unemployment can be very discouraging . It 's not just that they can 't get into their field of study , but there aren 't even other jobs to be had while they wait and look for their dream jobs . My older daughter had a tough time of it when she graduated three and a half years ago . Not only was the job market in dire straights , but her majors in television and English weren 't getting her very far . The media is a very competitive industry where interns are desperately willing to work for nothing for school credit . Employers can afford to be choosy selecting employees and pay little . My daughter did find a " freelance " position with Time Warner . After several months they cut her hours due to budget cuts , and rather than sit home much of the time , she took a temporary job . This temporary job led to a full time job shortly after . It was at a plumbing company doing administrative work . They love her there , but because she is a quick study and very efficient , they began giving her too much to do . Every time they would give her a new job , they would never take away the old one to give to someone else . However , to keep her from leaving , they gave her healthy raises and bonuses , making it impossible for other employers to match . My daughter hated her job more and more every day . She has been looking for a new job for months , in the media industry . Finally , while we were in Florida , she gets a call from a production company . After a couple of interviews she gets the job . She is happy that today is her last day at the plumbing company , but she is taking a huge cut in pay to pursue her career . She can only afford to do this because she lives at home . Hopefully , she will be happy and productive at her new company . Money isn 't everything . My younger daughter graduated this May and has been looking for work ever since . She majored in Medical Technology , which is supposed to be in high demand . After many months of sending out her resume , she was beginning to get concerned and discouraged . She graduated with honors and passed the licensing test with flying colors , but no job offers were coming her way . It 's frustrating after working so hard for four years . She had been told she will be a hot commodity after becoming licensed and then nothing happened for her . I shared her concern and prayed for her . I encouraged her even though I was worried . However , today she has a very promising interview at a state of the art laboratory that has facilities all over the world . She has two more interviews scheduled on Monday with two great hospitals . I really feel hopeful that she will be offered a job this time around . When I graduated college back in 1976 , the economy was a mess and there were no jobs to be had . I sent out a hundred resumes and cover letters , all typed by hand because we had no computers and printers . Out of that came two interviews , one at a big retail store in Manhattan , which I totally blew . The other interview was for a teller trainee at a bank . Thank God I got the second job because no other calls came for interviews . It wasn 't my ideal job , but it was a job . So , I understand how difficult my girls had it looking for work and how sometimes you have to take a job you don 't necessarily want until the one you want comes along . I 'm proud of both of them . They kept trying , even when discouraged . They networked with friends who had jobs to see if there were any openings available where they worked . And even at the worst of times , they were better off than most college graduates . They always had a roof over their heads and food on the table , no loans to pay off , no bills piling up . I think many kids today might take advantage of the situation and just freeload until they get the job of their dreams . But my girls always wanted to work and be independent . They worked very hard in school so that when they graduated they would be well prepared for their chosen careers . Unfortunately , the economic times made it very difficult , but they persevered . I am anxious to see how my older daughter likes her new job . She starts on Tuesday . I am equally excited for my younger daughter , who may soon be able to put all her skills and education into a new career . As hard as they have worked , they deserve to be happy and working for someone who appreciates their strong work ethic . When I look in the mirror , I don 't see a democrat or bleeding heart liberal . But , when I look in the eyes of some of my friends , that is all I see in the reflection of their eyes . I 've been reduced down to one element of my whole being . The casualties of the 2012 election are not over . So far , two friends unfriended me because I posted a quote about Romney 's money when I should have been posting about more serious issues . One " friend " called me a moron for agreeing with an article I posted . The same person called a friend of mine the " C " word and then went back and edited out the " u " so he didn 't look so " bad . " Then he had the audacity to tell my friend she should move out of " his country . " I generally don 't unfriend or block people , but I had to unfriend him . Yesterday there was a discussion on facebook that I joined . The Obama " O " was being called a symbol while the Romney " R " was referred to as a logo . If you google Obama logo and / or symbol you get the " O . " If you google Romney logo / symbol , you get the " R . " I stated that they were both logos and a logo is a symbol . To which a friend of mine replied with the middle finger like so " ┌∩┐ . . how 's that for a symbol ? " and her comment was promptly " liked " by another one of her very astute friends . Now what did I say that was so wrong ? I have never been told , " F * ck you , " in my life by anyone , let alone a " friend . " I have never even said those words myself to anyone and it 's not because I never had good reason . However , I find it troubling , insulting , vulgar and rude . I would not respond in kind . But this incident gave me pause to think , because these are not the only people I am having issues with this election . I have been online , chatting and talking to people I have never met or even spoken to on the phone , for years now . I can 't tell you how many of these people I feel I have been a good friend to . I am not trying to toot my own horn . I am just saying that I value people , I care about them , and would go out of my way to do whatever I can to help . Now I am going to mention a few things I have done , without mentioning names , because some of these acts were private and will always remain so . I help anyone , democrat or republican , I don 't consider their political views when I extend the hand of friendship . That 's who I am , not just a democrat . When you were unable to pay for a pet 's operation and I donated to the cause , you didn 't mind my being a democrat . And when I helped some of you provide a nice Christmas for your children when you weren 't able to , you didn 't mind my being a democrat . And when you were overwhelmed by some medical condition and needed someone to talk to or research doctors or remedies , you didn 't mind my being a democrat . When your expensive , new cell phones fell in the toilet and I offered you my old one , you didn 't mind my being a democrat . When your house had an eviction sign on the door and I helped stop the proceedings , you didn 't mind my being a democrat . When you needed someone to drop everything and listen to your problem , you didn 't mind my being a democrat . And when I offered good advice that made your life a little easier , you didn 't mind my being a democrat . When I tried to help you find financial aid for your daughter 's college education , you didn 't mind my being a democrat . When you requested prayers for yourself and family , you didn 't mind my being a democrat . But now , my being a democrat is all you see ? It 's sad , if that 's true . When I look in the mirror , I don 't see a democrat . I see a mother . I see a wife . I see a daughter . I see a sister . I see a friend . If you are reading this and all you see is a democrat when you look at me , I have a huge favor to ask of you . Please unfriend me now . It 's easy . Just a click of a button . Please don 't waste another second . Because when I look at you , I see a friend , not a republican . I give 100 % to all my friends . I don 't " love by halves , it 's not my nature . " " There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends . I have no notion of loving people by halves , it is not my nature . " ― Jane Austen , Northanger Abbey If you don 't feel the same way , then I invite you to leave and I promise no ill will or hard feelings . It will allow me to better focus on those who appreciate me being in their lives . Those who like it when I praise their accomplishments or their children 's . Those who love my sense of humor . Those who know that if they ever need someone to talk to they can count on me for advice , prayers , help , whatever it is in my power to do . That 's who I am , and that 's who I see in the mirror . Today would have been my mother 's 96th birthday . She left us seven years ago , when she was 89 . My mom never really enjoyed celebrating her birthday . I can recall a couple of times when we bought her a cake , flowers or a gift … she really didn 't appreciate the gift or the thought and , she would say , " it 's just another day . " But her 80th Birthday still stands out in my mind and in a few other minds too . About three weeks prior to my mother 's 80th birthday , we were all at my cousin 's house celebrating her baby daughter 's second birthday . There was a large crowd of friends and family there that day . My mother went around , in a boasting sort of way , making it known that her 80th birthday was just a couple of weeks away . An 80th birthday is , after all , a pretty big accomplishment , no to mention the fact that my mother had been telling us she was on " borrowed time " since she was 50 ! Well , after the party , we went home and didn 't think any more about it . The day of her birthday , my cousin calls me to say she wants to see my mother for her 80th birthday and will be driving in that night with her family . I begin to have two conversations … one with my cousin and one in my head . " Oh that 's nice of you , she 'll be surprised ! " ( In my head I am thinking , oh great , my mother hates surprises and celebrating her birthday . ) My cousin says she will bring the cake . I reply , " No , I have a bakery right here , I will get it and bring it to my mother 's tonight . " ( In my head I am thinking , how am I going to tell my mother that she will be having a houseful of company , so she can brace herself . ) My cousin says she will be there at 6 : 30 and can 't stay long because the kids have school the next day . I say , " Great , I 'll see you at 6 : 30 . " And now I have to call and tell my mother ! " Hi Mom , " I say , as she picks up the phone . " What do you want ? , " she answers . " I have to tell you something and you aren 't going to like it , " I reply . " Why ? What is it ? , " she asks with an attitude . " Well Maria is coming down tonight with her family to wish you a happy birthday and she wants it to be a surprise , " I explain . In an agitated state , my mother answers , " I don 't want to celebrate my birthday , it 's just another day on the calendar . Tell them to stay home ! " " I 'm not calling to tell them to stay home when they are trying to do a nice thing for you ! " I reply . " WHO THE HELL TOLD THEM IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY ? ! ? " she demands to know . " You did ! You told everyone at the party two weeks ago , and now they want to do something nice and come see you tonight . If you don 't want company , you call and tell them . " I answer , " and if not , remember to act surprised ! " Well of course , my mother doesn 't call my cousin to cancel the party and everyone arrives at 6 : 30 pm to wish my mom a happy birthday . A few minutes into the " party , " my cousin suggests that we call another of our cousins , who lives downstairs , in the basement apartment of my mother 's house , and tell her to come up and have a piece of cake . No one knows what time she comes home from work , but there are times it 's late . My cousin , Ann , who lives in the basement , is a bit illogical in her thinking , so I volunteer to make the call , as I communicate very clearly . And , when I call at 7 pm , I get her answering machine . I leave this message : " Ann , Maria and her family are here to celebrate my mother 's birthday . We have a cake . Maria has to leave early because the kids have school tomorrow . If you get this message in time , and you want a piece of cake , you are welcome to join us . " Now , we continue to talk and visit and my father puts up the coffee pot . My mother , despite her complaining , actually enjoys being the center of attention and being made a fuss over . At 7 : 45 we sing Happy Birthday and cut the cake . TheWell , I am seeing red and I started yelling at Ann . I tell her she arrives late to every party , no matter how much advanced notice she is given . Sometimes she shops for a gift the morning of the party . Is everyone supposed to wait for her ? I keep it up until I see the frightened look on all the children 's faces and the stunned expressions on the adults . I stop , quickly try to compose myself and apologize for my outburst . And this is how my mother 's birthday ended . Because it was now 8 : 30 and it takes Maria at least a half hour to 45 minutes to get home . Sixteen years later and I remember it like it was yesterday . My girls , who barely remember anything much of their childhood , have vivid memories of this occasion . In fact , I 'm sure everyone remembers it well . In case you think I am nuts , my cousin Ann has a very long history of poor communication , poor judgment , and no logic . My explosion was a result of years of being subjected to her irrationality and also from the fact that I took great pains to be clear to avoid any misunderstanding that night . On top of all that , I am my mother 's daughter , and the apple didn 't fall far from the tree ! Oh well , at least it was memorable . In 1977 Alex Haley 's " Roots " became a miniseries on television . My brother and I watched every episode and loved it . But even after watch . . . Over the past few years I have tried several online games . I find them relaxing and addicting . I 'm not sure if the addiction is to th . . . |
This will probably go down in the history book as the most devastating hurricane to hit the northeast . They gave us plenty of warning . Many were skeptical that it would be so bad because we have never lived through anything as bad as this storm , in terms of damage . The fact that it was a category 1 storm was deceptive because the totality of the situation created more of a category 4 type of destructive flooding . I am still trying to absorb all the problems being reported in the news this morning . We live in inland , in an old house . I imagined the shingles flying off with the 90 mph winds being forecasted . I was most worried about the two side by side trees in the backyard . They are very tall with full branches and if they came down they would land on my daughter 's bedroom . After hearing me worry about the trees enough times , my daughter agreed to sleep downstairs , on the couch , out of harm 's way . All we could do was watch and wait the entire day . It rained lightly all day , but around 7 PM the winds started howling , the windows rattling and I even felt my bed vibrate . Still it was nothing compared to what was happening along the coastline to so many others . We had an early dinner in case we suddenly lost power . My brother , who lives not even a mile away from us , lost power . He was not prepared for the storm . He was irritated . He called me on his cell . We had a couple of conversations . This is how it went . Vin : My power went out . My family stayed in the living room , where there are no windows and more importantly , the large screen television and the girls ' laptops and phones . All life 's necessities were there and a short distance from food and snacks . I watched the news all day , until I got a headache . Some areas were already under water while we were still waiting for the storm to hit here . At least I was in peace knowing that my husband and girls were home and safe . There is nothing more worrisome than to have your family out and scattered during a storm of any kind and waiting for them to get home . My younger daughter actually starts work next week , so she was able to spend yesterday and today and who knows how many more days , with her sister . I actually don 't remember the last time we are all home together and it wasn 't a holiday or something . My older daughter 's new job is on the block with the falling , dangling crane . Yeah , can you believe that ? Her block was evacuated because of that . The crane will probably be easier to fix than the subway flooding . We don 't know how or when she will be able to get back to work right now . I went to sleep , surprisingly . My daughter did honor her promise to sleep on the couch . I woke up at midnight from an emergency service call of some kind … then they called again at 2 am . I finally pulled the plug out of the wall . I suppose some needed those calls , but I didn 't . I got up this morning . The trees were intact , the shingles were still on the house . My daughter was on the couch at 5 : 30 am . I woke her up and finally made her go up to her bed so she can sleep in . The girls are still sleeping . I called my brother , who is still without power . I told him to pack whatever he needs to charge and bring it over . I can feed him lunch and dinner while he occupies himself with the internet . He tells me maybe he will come … never gives me a definite answer , but he has nothing else to do . We got away with murder , to say the least . The next order of business is figuring out how my brother and daughter can get back to work . My brother will be totally preoccupied with his lack of power , but I think it will take a while to fix that . I am guessing they will send all Con Ed employees into Manhattan first . That 's our story . I 'm glad I don 't have anything major to report . I guess I will see how the devastated parts of the city affect our lives in the days ahead . For now we will pray for those impacted the most by the storm . . . and there are too many of those . No one asked my opinion , but when has that ever stopped me from talking ? I 've been reading about the recent develops , the leaked emails , Tyrone Woods father 's comments , etc and it 's like putting together 1 , 000 piece puzzle in the dark . I have had many family members and friends serve in the military throughout my lifetime . I have been blessed in that none of them came to any harm and after serving their country ; they all came back home to us safe and sound . But , if any of them had been hurt or lost their lives , you can bet I would want to know the complete and unaltered truth of what happened , every detail of it . And , I would want those , who have all the pieces , to put the puzzle together for me and fast . Now when I first heard about the attack , the only thing I heard was that it was being blamed on a , anti - Islam film produced here . I have to say that this bothered me . I know it doesn 't take much to provoke a terrorist attack , but I wondered why the attack took place where it did . Why that embassy ? Why over a film ? Why were these particular Americans killed ? Something didn 't sit well with me about it all . During the debate , it was brought out that the day after the attack that President Obama said we would not put up with terrorist attacks , but he did not call this incident a terrorist attack . Instead , we heard a lot more about this film in the days thereafter . At the time I suppose I thought that our intelligence had good reason to believe the attack was in some way related to this " movie " and they were taking steps to find those responsible for the murders . In the past couple of days , emails have been leaked , and they indicate that a terrorist group took credit for the attack . It 's been reveal that there was communication with the people at the embassy , during the time of the attack , and that they were asking for help . I won 't pretend I know all the facts , because I don 't . What I do know is that four Americans were killed , there was reason to believe it was a terrorist attack , no help was apparently being sent and that military personnel may have even been ordered not to go into the area . There has to be a lot more to it . But what exactly ? That 's my issue , the truth . I dislike it when facts are twisted until you don 't recognize them any more . I detest lies . I am not satisfied that the truth about this attack has been revealed . I am not happy with the time it is taking for all the details to come out . The victims families deserve to know the whole truth about how their loved ones died . How much was our government aware of , and what was done or not done to protect them or to try to save them ? If it was my family member , I would want to know the truth . And , the American people deserve the truth about our enemies . What bothers me too is Hillary Clinton 's statement about the emails that were recently released . She cautioned against " cherry picking one story here or one document there " and said it is critical to look at the totality of information before coming to any conclusions . There may be some merit in her comment , but where are all the documents ? Where is the " totality of information ? " What is being held back ? Why are we waiting until after the election for a committee to review all the information ? Will the truth change the outcome of the election ? Are they waiting until they have captured all those responsible ? Is withholding the information a matter of national security ? Why was it being blamed on the film when there were strong indications this was a terrorist attack ? Why are we being left in the dark to draw our own conclusions ? I don 't take terrorism lightly . Having lived through the 9 / 11 attack on the Twin Towers in New York City was a life changing event . Our lives are still being affected by it today . " If you see something , say something , " is our city 's slogan for citizens who see suspicious packages or people . Airport security is horrendous . We can 't even bring enough toiletries with us to last a week . My daughter 's bag was even being checked daily at the subway station a couple of months ago . So , when there us an act of terrorism , why aren 't we being told about it and why is it being blamed on a film ? I suspect that the truth will come out . I think there are more emails in the wings waiting to be exposed . It would have been better to deal with the truth head on , at the time of the attack and let the chips fall where they may . Now it appears , for whatever reason , that we may have been mislead , the facts misrepresented , the truth concealed . I can 't help but ask why ? The conclusions I am being forced to draw are not very good . I hope and pray George Woods and the families of Glen Doherty , Chris Stevens , Sean Smith get the answers they are looking for . They deserve at least that much . They have been the most affected by this tragedy . They should not be mislead or misinformed or lied to . They have suffered devastating losses . It 's appalling that Pat Smith , mother of Sean Smith , has to wonder and say , " Just tell me the truth . . . I look at TV and I see bloody hand prints on walls , thinking , my god , is that my son 's ? I don 't know if he was shot . I don 't know . " Somebody knows . Stop " cherry picking " what you tell these families and tell them the truth . A friend of mine was curious about my opinion regarding Donald Trumps five million dollar offer to President Obama . Trump says he would give five million dollars to any charity of the President 's choice if he produces college transcripts and his passport . Frankly , I would have taken him up on his offer if I were the president , because certainly the information is readily available . However the president might be a little busy these days and have time to entertain the pathetic meanderings of an attention seeking , faux - celebrity who is attempting to distract everyone 's focus from the election and issues . So Trump made an offer that the president didn 't fall for and wisely refused . Why would Trump make such an offer just days before the presidential election ? There is a ton of speculation . I think he made the offer to get media attention for himself , and he succeeded . Five million dollars may not be a lot of money to Trump , but to most of us it is a huge sum of money . It 's enough of a story to have media sources clamoring . Why else might Trump have made the offer ? Trump was the most annoying voice demanding to see President Obama 's birth certificate . Now that the birth certificate has been produced , he is trying to stir the pot again , with the same doubting voters , asking for the release of other documentation . However , I read somewhere that even the Republicans are not happy with this transparent ploy . Trump is bringing up an old strategy that has been put to rest , while the GOP has moved on to making the economy their main issue . So Trump is like an annoying fly , buzzing around and making noise and distracting people from the main issues in order to bring attention to himself . And , as Trump is associated with the GOP , he isn 't doing anything to advance Romney 's cause with this ill timed , feeble gimmick . Now , here is where I have to make a confession . I was reading and skimming various news items quickly and , being distracted by personal issues of my own , I misread : Trump , 5 billion dollars and Romney . I didn 't think anything of it . I thought it was a joke , because what I actually thought I read was Trump Offers Romney 5 Billion Dollars if he will release 10 years of tax returns . Yes , that is the God 's honest truth . That made more sense to me that the actual facts , even when they were pointed out to me . Now , what we need is a wealthy democrat offering a similar deal to Romney . If Romney will produce his tax returns they will give five million dollars to the 47 % of the country he insulted . That is , before he switched to running for president of 100 % of the country . So what did Trump accomplish ? He didn 't hurt President Obama , who laughed off his offer , along with most of America . He made Romney and the GOP look bad . And , he made a laughing stock out of himself . Yesterday , my cousin Lenny passed away . Len was like a second father to me , even though he had five children of his own . He loved kids , he loved his family . He was a family man above everything else in life . He will be greatly missed . Lenny was a big man , over six feet tall and over 200 pounds . He towered over us when we were little . He was the biggest person on my side of the family , but what was even bigger than his outer physique , was his heart . He always put on a tough exterior , but inside he was kind , sensitive and gentle . He was easily hurt and moved to tears . You had to really know him well to know that about him . What made him happiest was having his family all around him . When he was 18 and out of high school , he enlisted in the military . It wasn 't long before he called his high school sweetheart and asked her to marry him . She went to meet him and they married near where he was stationed . It was a small wedding , no family members were present . In 2006 , I went to their 50th wedding anniversary . Their children put together a wonderful slide show of the years they spent together . A montage of all the people who were important in their lives . It was very touching and brought many of us there to tears . My cousin Lenny was my mother 's nephew , not just in name , but in personality traits , attitude and looks . He could have been her son . My brother and I would spend our summers with his family when we were teenagers . He lived in the suburbs and we lived in the city . He always welcomed us with open arms . It was our home away from home . My mother and father would visit us there every weekend and it was really a special time in all our lives . I have so many thoughts and memories swimming through my head this morning , like how he loved those Nabisco dark chocolate graham crackers . I loved them too . There were only 15 in a package and he would eat them all , with a quart of milk , at one sitting . I remember how he would come home from work in the afternoon , open the mail and ask if anyone called and then eat a whole Entenmann 's cake right before dinner . The nights he was home watching baseball , he would snack on things , but mostly I remember the huge bowls of Breyers ice cream that he loved most . He loved his sweets . It wasn 't easy supporting five kids either . He insisted that his wife stay home to raise them , so he worked three jobs to make ends meet and pay the mortgage . He had a full time job in the day with the railroad , worked at a local gas station at night and at his father 's dry cleaning store on Saturdays . It was a struggle at times . I remember the first summer I went to stay with Lenny and his family . In was in 1967 and they had three children at that time . I was supposed to be staying for a week . But , during that week he went out and bought a four foot swimming pool for the backyard . He had it assembled by the time I was supposed to go home . He asked me if I wanted to stay an extra week so I could enjoy the pool . Truth be told , I was homesick and didn 't care for pools , but I felt bad to say so . I called my mother and asked if I could stay another week , she agreed . If not for that second week , I may not have gone back summer after summer . It was during that time that I really got comfortable and over my shyness , felt at home and part of their family . Sometimes I think my cousin Lenny didn 't consider himself a " successful " man . He had ordinary jobs , made average salaries and he worked hard every day of his life . But , in my eyes , he was one of the most successful men I have ever known . He had a long marriage of 56 years with a wife who loved him and catered to his every need . He had the love of five beautiful children , eight grandchildren , two great grandchildren , aunts , uncles , cousins , friends . He was big , but gentle . He was hard , but sensitive . He was tough , but loving . He had his priorities straight from the very beginning … family first . He instilled his family values in his children . If the true measure of a man 's life lies in the capacity of his heart for love and kindness , providing for his family , the love and respect he has inspired in his loved ones , his hard work and honesty , and the many hearts he has touched , then my cousin Lenny was a great man . He will live on in his children and their chRest in peace , Lenny , I love you . My mother left me with my three aunts and grandmother when she went to give birth . It was a lousy day in February and my uncle was afraid to drive her because of snow and ice , so she had to call a car service . My aunts took care of me for the couple of days she was away . The day she walked through the door , she was holding my brother in her arms . She took one look at me and put him down on the couch . As she came to give me a hug she said , " What the hell did they do to you ? " From what I could gather , she didn 't like the way they had my hair or how I was dressed . My mother always had my hair brushed so every strand was in place and I was clean and nicely dressed . I guess all of their care didn 't measure up to her standards . I didn 't care about any of that , I was just glad to have my mother back . Those couple of days seemed like an eternity to me . The next weeks and months I watched my mother as she did all the necessary baby things . She washed diapers , sterile the bottles in a huge pot and then filled them with formula . What ever she did , I was right by her side . My brother was cute . Sometimes he would laugh in his sleep , and that kind of scared me . I enjoyed having a baby brother , at least for a while . My brother soon grew into an annoying toddler . He never wanted to play with his own toys . Instead he would constantly try to take my dolls and doll carriage away from me . He would cry and I would complain to my mother , but it was always the same , " let him play with it , he is just a baby . " Whenever we got in trouble , it was always me on the hot seat because I was " older and should know better . " However , he wasn 't so bad after he outgrew this stage . Before long , I had to go to school . It was a big change in my life . I really didn 't like the idea and I would cry for my mother to take me back home . My mother , who is no stranger to lying , thought up a clever ruse . She told me my brother was sick and she had to go home and call the doctor . What five year old can argue with that ? So off she went and there I stayed . This went on for a couple of days , maybe even a week . I don 't know how I fell for it , because I was a very smart kid at 5 . I think I just blindly believed everything my mother told me . I did ask her , " Isn 't he ever going to get better ? " But , eventually , my mother dropped her story and I adjusted to going to school . My brother and I played together more than most brothers and sisters might have throughout their childhoods . We were raised in a four room , railroad apartment until we were in our twenties . We played in front of the house and in the backyard . We went to the same schools and had many of the same teachers . We 've shared just about everything in life . We can tell each other anything . The one thing my mother always tried to instill in us is that we should always love and care for each other . She would make that speech every now and then . She told us one day she and my father wouldn 't be around and we would only have each other . We understood what she was trying to say and her prayers were answered . My brother and I love each other unconditionally and we have always been there for each other no matter what . I know he loves my girls as though they were his own . He has always been good to me and my family and he visits us nearly every Sunday afternoon to tell us a lively story or two about the pet peeves in his life . I have tried to instill the same thing in my own girls . They are also very close . They always have been , growing up together almost the same way my brother and I did . They have gone their separate ways since hitting their twenties . College , jobs , their social lives have caused them to spend less time together , as happened with my brother and I . But they make an effort to spend time together , to share similar interests and I love it when I hear them laughing together . I know there isn 't anything they wouldn 't do for each other . I never had to give them my mother 's speech . I know nothing will come between them , just like my brother and I . And the certainty of knowing that gives me great peace of mind . My memory goes back pretty far , to when I was two years old . I may not remember what you said yesterday , but I have some vivid memories of my past and one of them is of my toilet training . As always , my mother didn 't read Dr . Spock when it came to parenting . She always had her own unique and sometimes unorthodox style of handling various situations . This is one of them . I am going to share it with the world ! My mother got married late in life . She was 36 years old when she married and had me when she was 38 . She already lost what little patience she might have had and her biological clock was ticking away . She got pregnant with my brother before I was two and was due to have him when I was two and a half . Back then there were no Pampers , just those cloth diapers that you had to wash . There was just no way my mother was going to wash diapers for two ! She made up her mind that I should be toilet trained before my brother got here and she made sure it happened . One day she takes me into the bathroom and sits me on the huge toilet and tells me to make " poop " or whatever she called it back then . Now , mind you , she didn 't buy a cover for the toilet seat to make the hole smaller or get me a little step stool so my feet could feel something solid under them . You have no idea how high up a toilet seat is or how big the hole seems to a petite two year old girl . I might as well have been sitting over the Grand Canyon as scared as I was . But , I knew enough not to complain . I was a smart toddler . I was so frightened sitting there , half in the hole with my feet dangling , not knowing what to do . So , I held on to the sink with my right hand and to the hamper with my left hand , for dear life , and just sat there . It seemed I sat there for a very long time . It 's kind of hard to get motivated to " go " when you are a bit terrified of falling down a hole . I didn 't want to get flushed down the toilet if I fell in ! That 's all I could think of . So I sat there . My mother would check on me every once in a while to see how I was holding up . Finally , after what seemed to be an eternity , I complied with my mother 's " on demand " request , and she was very pleased at the results . I was relieved to get off the " hot " or " cold " seat , depending how you look at it . I couldn 't wait to put that traumatic experience behind me . Goes to show you how little I knew … My mother put a little pair of white underwear on me . She smiled a big smile and told me , " Now you are a BIG girl ! You tell me when you have to make # 1 or # 2 , so you can use the toilet . And , if you ever go in your underwear again , I 'll kill you . " Many years ago , while visiting my cousin in Florida , we were having a lively conversation around the kitchen table , that turned into a debate . My brother , my mother , my cousin and her brother and I were all in the kitchen My brother brings up the fact that you can 't break an egg in your hand , no matter how hard you squeeze it . My cousin 's brother didn 't believe it . This went on for several minutes until the inevitable happened . My cousin 's brother got up from the table and went to the refrigerator to get an egg . He walked over to the sink and held the egg in the palm of his hand . He asked my brother which way do you want me to hold it . My brother and I are standing right there to watch " supposedly " nothing happen . My mother and cousin were across the room , still at the table chatting about how stupid we were . The moment of truth arrives as my cousin 's brother announces he will now crush the egg . He applies pressure , the egg breaks and the contents go flying ! Some of the egg got on the curtains above the kitchen sink . However , the bulk of the yolk went flying across the room and landed on my mother 's head … prompting a cursing streak from my mother and hysterical laughter from everyone else . My cousin was not too amused , after she stopped laughing , because she had to wash her curtains . Another egg story , also many years ago . As a teenager I was fascinated with eggs . My mother broke them so perfectly that when you joined the two halves together , you could not even see the crack . Sometimes I would use Elmer 's glue and glue the halves together for the fun of it . This was well before we had iphones and computers and had to use our imaginations . This little pass time of mine got me an A on a college art project when I cut out a large egg shape from white cardboard and filled it with empty glued eggshells . The art professor loved it . Now , my mother had a mischievous thought one day . We were going to visit a friend of hers that we hadn 't seen in a long time . She tells me to glue a few eggs together for her to bring to her friend 's house . After all the " hellos " and hugs , and while her friend , Mary , is distracted taking our coats to another room , my mother put 's the fake eggs into her refrigerator with her other eggs . Mary comes out and they start chatting . My mother tells Mary that she learned how to juggle eggs . Mary laughs . I laugh . My mother goes into the refrigerator and removes the fake eggs to show her how she does it . Mary starts saying , " No , no ! " My mother begins throwing the eggs into the air and they all land on the floor . Mary is looking all over for the yolks . My mother is dying laughing . Mary is calling her crazy while exclaiming , " Where are the yolks ? I can 't find the yolks ! " It took a good while to calm down enough to be able to talk and tell her it was a joke . My mother had a spare egg to show her what we had done . My mother then took her broom and swept up the shells . I have to say that I was riveted by season one of American Horror Story , though I found it confusing and hard to follow in the beginning . I wished I had blogged it because I think I would have appreciated it even more and understood what was going on a lot sooner . I am going to try to blog the important events as best I can . I find myself confused and lost once again this season . Forgive me if I get a few things wrong . The " Asylum " is called Briarcliff Manor . We get flashbacks to the 1960 's , when it was open and run by Sister Jude . The setting is creepy and very dark and worse still are the " patients . " The official description of the series reads : " A church - run haven for the criminally insane , ruled with an iron fist by Sister Jude ( Jessica Lange ) , a nun with a troubled past … From Nazis and serial killers , to mutants and aliens , no one is safe inside these walls . " I could never have summed it up so well ! The story opens with newlyweds , Leo and Theresa , taking a romp inside the very old , run down , and empty asylum . Why a newlywed couple find that intriguing is beyond me . However we find the couple is very compatible as they both get turned on by the unsettling atmosphere and decide to get intimate in the " Death Chute , " an underground tunnel where they would get rid of dead bodies . However , they never really consummate their plans because Leo 's arm gets ripped out of it 's socket when he sticks it through a cell door , and Theresa runs around screaming and trying to get out and get help . Theresa 's screams lead us to a flashback to the 60 's , where we meet Kit Walker aka " Bloody Face . " Kit runs a gas station in the south and has a black bride , which was frowned upon in that era . After a session of love making with his bride , she goes off to make him dinner and an extremely bright light flashes into the bedroom . Kit runs out of the house with a shotgun . He hears his wife scream and when he returns into the house he is confronted by the blinding white light , deafening noise and is pulled up to the ceiling . Meanwhile , at the asylum , Lana Winters , a reporter , pretends she wants to do a story on the asylum 's bakery , but she really wants to meet " Bloody Face . " She is greeted by one of the residents who she believes to be harmless . However , the creepy looking , insane , deformed drawf - like creature has killed her sister 's baby and cut it 's ears off . Lana meets with Sister Jude and tries to get her to agree to letting her talk to " Bloody Face " for three minutes . " Bloody Face " is due to arrive at the asylum within minutes where he will remain until his trial . Kit " Bloody Face " Walker is supposed to be a serial killer of women and has gotten his name from the fact that he wears a mask made of human flesh . Sister Jude is annoyed with Lana for trying to " con " her and if we know anything about Jessica Lange 's characters , you do NOT cross them ! Then we meet Grace , the asylum resident who takes a liking to " Bloody Face " and befriends him . There is a good looking priest , Timothy Howard , who considers Sister Jude his right arm . At dinner he tells her when his is promoted from Bishop to Cardinal to Pope , she will be going right along with him . Sister Jude loves that idea , but she loves the idea of screwing Father Tim even more , and fantasizes about it at dinner . We are also introduced to Dr . Arthur Arden , who Sister Jude doesn 't like at all . She accuses him of doing something with the four bodies , who died without family , and mysteriously disappeared . He blows her off . Not the best idea to tick off Sister Jude , but I am the only one who picked up on that ! I get the impression that Dr . Arden is a modern day Dr . Frankenstein and is creating his own " monsters " in the asylum , as if there weren 't enough of them already in there . Dr . Arthur finds himself alone with Kit Walker and performs a procedure removing a foreign , spiderlike implant from his neck . The implant is alive and takes off and I 'm sure we will see it again , don 't you ? And Lana can 't seem to take no for an answer , so she returns to the asylum and sneaks around , trying to find " Bloody Face " only to get caught . Who could have seen this coming ? It seems good old Sister Jude has managed to blackmail Lana 's lesbian lover into committing her . Lana is now a permanent resident of Briarcliff . And so ends episode one . I am going to try to catch it on demand and watch it again . I just know I missed some fascinating little twist , turns and foreshadowing ! What did you think ? I think Asylum is off to a great start and can 't wait to see what happens next week ! Yesterday was Sunday and , as usual , my brother Vin pays us an afternoon visit . With every visit comes a story . This week the story was one that I relate to and I am going to try and do it justice here . My brother knows a co - worker of German descent , we will call her Greta , who is married to Sean , of Irish descent . He tells us that Greta always has stories of her in - laws every week . The closest he can get us to understand this is to compare it to Everybody Loves Raymond . He says the in - laws have two sons , one who they didn 't care if he got married , and Sean , who they didn 't want to marry Greta . My brother says that Greta worked for a long time helping Sean , while he was building up a new business and it started to make money . Then they had two little girls . Sean 's father works for him in his company . Vin was talking to Greta this week and she tells him about the " clinking of the glass " incident . Apparently , Greta and Sean were at some kind of family celebration and when it came time for the toast , Greta unintentionally did not " clink " her glass with her mother in - law . The mother in - law took this oversight as a huge insult . Suffice to say that the in - laws have not been talking to Greta and Sean for quite some time . Greta has been telling Sean just apologize if that is what they want and be over with it . Now as it happens , Greta and Sean 's daughter had a birthday recently . You might be wondering if the in - laws made an appearance ? No , they did not . The feud continues and the father in - law dropped off a present for his granddaughter in Sean 's office . Sean was understandably upset because now he has to try to explain to his daughter why her grandparents won 't be at her birthday . All for the clink of a glass ! Greta tells Vin that they have always alternated holidays and this Thanksgiving is her turn . She wonders if her in - laws will be coming . Then she tells my brother , if they don 't come , she will invite " us " over ( my brother and our family ) because she really wants to meet us . Turns out Greta and Sean live right in my neighborhood too . There is something about Greta I really like ! Okay so if Greta had her own blog , this would make a great story . But all the while my brother was talking , I looked at him in wide eyed amazement . I kept saying are you sure her in - laws aren 't Italian ? I have never a story like this , that could have easily happened to me word for word ! My brother laughs and says no , they aren 't Italian . My next thought goes to a nice Thanksgiving dinner that I don 't have to cook ! All for the clink of a glass ! Now aside from the fact that this story sounds like an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond , or a page out of my book , the situation is actually very sad . People waste so much precious time with petty foolishness . Who knows what tomorrow will bring or if anyone of us will wake up tomorrow ? Is this the way you want to spend the last of your days , if your time is suddenly up ? Sometimes people need a wake - up call , an adjustment of their priorities , or a smack in the head ! Get over the clink of a glass ! She called the mother in law and told her she was sorry about the incident and that it was unintentional and her mother in law called her a liar . Her mother in law said that she has always been rude to her . She tried to tell her that she had a $ 15 martini in her hand and that she did not want it all over the table . She called her husband and told him what happened . The father was there and was happy to hear about the call but didn 't know what his wife had said . The husband is going to call the mother tomorrow . Wouldn 't it be great if we could rewrite history and take out all the bad things that happened ? It would be better still if they never happened at all . Now that 's what some educators have been trying to do in the states of Texas , Tennessee and God knows where else . They want to remove slavery from the history books in school , or if not , at least put a good spin on it . I was stunned to read a few articles on the subject this morning . I wasn 't aware that this expunging of slavery was going on , although I have heard it said quite a few times , that there are people who don 't believe the Holocaust ever happened , even with raw footage of the atrocities from WWII Germany posted all over the internet . Whatever happened to the saying " Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it ? " ( George Santayana ) . How are we going to remember it , if it 's existence is eradicated from books ? There are some of the things I have read in total disbelief . In Texas they want to rename slavery as " Atlantic triangular trade " in their children 's history books . Later this was changed to trans - Atlantic slave trade . They want to eliminate slavery , minimize it or " white wash " it . To add to this , from what I have read , the state of Texas buys so many textbooks that it will greatly influence what publishers decide to put in ALL textbooks , which may impact children 's education all over the country . In Tennessee , the Tea Party , wants to protect the " reputation " of the founding fathers , so they want to edit out that they owned slaves . They also want to " adjust " how Native Americans were treated . In other words they want the founding fathers to appear " perfect and flawless , " or at least look as good as possible . Basically , they want to replace true and well documented historical events with lies and deception , and then teach this altered version in the classroom . Are we going to teach our children lies ? Why is this happening ? Well , there are certain groups who believe that the history we have learned for decades , has a " liberal slant . " The fact that slavery existed , our founding fathers owned them , that Native Americans lost their homeland , and that both groups were very badly abused , and so much more , is just a " liberal slant ? " And these are just some of the most shocking and radical of several changes planned to be implemented over the next decade . Recently , Republican Representative of Arkansas , Jon Hubbard , wrote in a self - published book , that slavery was a " blessing in disguise . " His reasoning ? " . . . the institution of slavery that the black race has long believed to be an abomination upon its people may actually have been a blessing in disguise . The blacks who could endure those conditions and circumstances would someday be rewarded with citizenship in the greatest nation ever established upon the face of the Earth . " ( Pages 183 - 89 ) He says many other ignorant things , including : " Wouldn 't life for blacks in America today be more enjoyable and successful if they would only learn to appreciate the value of a good education ? " ( Page 184 ) Read more here : http : / / www . arktimes . com How wonderful for African Americans ! Makes you wonder why they have been angry for over 200 years ! ( Insert sarcasm ) . There are some that say insist that racism is over in this country . There is no need for any Affirmative Action . Really ? I am not black , but I know there is still plenty of racism . A few years ago , when a friend was here visiting me , we took a walk to a neighborhood store . We picked up a few items and brought them to the counter . I paid for mine with my credit card . My friend took out her credit card and was asked to present her ID with it . I wasn 't asked for ID . My friend is black . She took notice of this little " slight " and mentioned it to me . I felt embarrassed for even taking her into that store . The is just a tiny example of how ingrained racism is in many in this country . It may be so ingrained they may not even be consciously aware of it . But it comes out and shows itself in plenty of situations . Why do we need to have laws against " racial profiling " if racism doesn 't exist ? And now , there are those that are comfortable with eliminating and / or rewriting history to say that slavery , as we know it to have been documented and have been taught , didn 't exist ? How does any school system or group of educators reach this conclusion and think it is okay ? How do you deny the truth ? How does one deny the lynchings , the whippings , the rapes that took place ? Someone please explain to me how this is okay ? Posted by As unbelievable as that sounds , I 've actually seen quite a few sites trying to make an argument that President Obama is like Hitler . To say that shocks me , is an understatement . I wish I was well versed in history to list all the atrocities committed by Hitler , but the death of six million Jews alone , should speak for itself . This man is quite possibly the worst human being to have ever walked the face of the earth , and yet somehow people feel justified in comparing him to our president . Maybe we should revisit some of the crimes that Hitler was responsible for to show how wrong and ludicrous this comparison really is . Hitler has been referred to a " madman " because of the extent of his evil acts . He knew exactly what he was doing and it did it enthusiastically . His crimes were atrocities against Jews and mankind . Not only did he ordered the deaths of six million innocent Jews , men women and children , he caused World War II . Countless lives of all nationalities were lost in that war trying to stop his reign of terror . Does anyone remember the concentration camps , the mass graves , how body parts were put into baskets and later used to make soap ? Once , when I was in high school , I had a young , Jewish English teacher , Miss Dodes . I really liked this teacher a lot . She was enthusiastic and it was contagious . One day we were discussing the book , " Animal Farm , " by George Orwell . It was an allegorical book using symbolism to describe World War II . We were each given a symbol and told to explain how it relates to this historic event . One of my friends gave her speech on " Hitler 's Germany " and , when she was done , the teacher asked , " What about the killing of six million Jews ? that had been left it out of her report . My friend answered , " I didn 't think that was important . " Miss Dodes blew a gasket ! She took the comment to mean the girl didn 't think the Holocaust was important , but what she meant was that the Holocaust wasn 't depicted in the book , so she didn 't include it . Never - the - less , Miss Dodes would not let this rest because , like all Jews and many others , she believes the Holocaust should never be forgotten . The following day she brought in a very long , black and white documentary of actual footage of the Holocaust , from World War II Germany . It described and showed in graphic detail , the despicable , evil , unimaginable things that were done to the Jewish people and their corpses . If I forget everything that I ever learned in high school , I will never forget that video . I know that everyone wants to make the opposing candidate look bad so their candidate will win an election . They will pull out every skeleton in their closet ; drag their family through the mud ; twist their words around and take them out of context ; they will lie about them ; they will contribute huge sums of money to their campaign ; they will volunteer for their campaign … all in a collaborative effort to get their man elected . Both sides do it . It 's nothing new . But , when you try to demonize a man , any man , by comparing him to Hitler , you have crossed a line . Is anyone in the history of the world comparable to Hitler ? Not in my mind . What little history I have learned throughout my education , no one even comes close to his crimes and reputation . But , that 's not even the worst of it . What is worse and sadder still , in my opinion , is that while some are busy trying to demonize President Obama with this comparison , they are at the same time minimizing and trivializing the crimes against Jews and humanity by Hitler . They are disrespecting and insulting those who died in the Holocaust . How many Jewish people do you think would be happy or agree with this comparison ? How does anyone agree with this comparison ? I have no idea . None . Joe Gandalman , a Jewish writer , doesn 't agree with it . He writes , " Several times before his 1973 death my grandfather Abraham Ravinsky would open his family photo album and show me pictures of men , women and children who had been our relatives in Russia who were among the many exterminated by Hitler . He 'd point : " Killed by Hitler … killed by Hitler … killed by Hitler " He 'd look at me , then go on , telling me a murdered relative 's name . I still think of those doomed little kids . " And here 's another thing that occurs to me . There are those who may be trying to gain Jewish votes with this tactic , but their strategy will backfire . Comparing President Obama to Hitler is not going to score points , quite the opposite . They are touching on a very real , and still very painful nerve , mentioning Hitler . They are opening up old wounds and making them relive a tragic part of their history . It 's all very disturbing to me and I 'm not Jewish . And when I hear these comparisons being made , I remember one of my favorite books of all time , The Diary Of Anne Frank . It 's the story of a 13 years old Jewish girl , whose family went into hiding in Holland . I had the inspiring privilege of visiting " The Annex , " where her family hid during World War II , when I was visiting Amsterdam many years ago . Her diary is well worth reading and you can find many graphic videos of the Holocaust online , similar to the one I saw in high school , if anyone is interested . I 'm posting a short video of Anne Frank 's Diary below . Anne Frank did not survive the Holocaust , but thank God her diary did . It 's been reported that , after the Bible , this is the most read book worldwide . Every year I run out of gift ideas . It 's not easy , even with a short list of people to buy for , to come up with ideas everyone will like . Last year I decided to give everyone a nice , new mug . CVS was having a special on 15 oz . mugs for $ 11 . 99 , if I remember right . I decided to look for some special pictures to put on each of my gift mugs and they were a hit last year . For my husband , I selected a picture of his favorite Beatle album cover , which is Abbey Road . He listens to the Beatles all the time and I knew he would enjoy seeing that image on his mug every morning . My younger daughter was a little harder . She is not a long term , die hard fan of anything . But I happened to catch her watching reruns of " Sunny In Philadelphia " every night before dinner . It was obvious she was a fan of the show , so I found a picture of the cast , with the name of the show , for her mug . My daughter and her boyfriend had just taken a trip to Paris and London . I rummaged through their pictures and found one of the two of them with the London Bridge in the background . I made two identical mugs of that picture for the two of them . My brother 's favorite movie is " Brokeback Mountain . " I have been wanting to get him a mug with a picture from that movie for a long time . There were tons of great pictures online and I picked one . I have to say everyone was really happy with their mugs . All I had to do was go online to the CVS site photo department , upload the photos and have them delivered to the store . It was so simple and the mugs turned out great . The best part is you can put just about anything you want or can find on a mug and make it very personal . Some mugs even let you add two different pictures , one on each side . If you like the idea you have plenty of time to do your homework … I thought of my idea at the last minute last year , but still got them in plenty of time . College kids today go through four years of school , accumulate massive debt and end up back on their parent 's couch . Unemployment can be very discouraging . It 's not just that they can 't get into their field of study , but there aren 't even other jobs to be had while they wait and look for their dream jobs . My older daughter had a tough time of it when she graduated three and a half years ago . Not only was the job market in dire straights , but her majors in television and English weren 't getting her very far . The media is a very competitive industry where interns are desperately willing to work for nothing for school credit . Employers can afford to be choosy selecting employees and pay little . My daughter did find a " freelance " position with Time Warner . After several months they cut her hours due to budget cuts , and rather than sit home much of the time , she took a temporary job . This temporary job led to a full time job shortly after . It was at a plumbing company doing administrative work . They love her there , but because she is a quick study and very efficient , they began giving her too much to do . Every time they would give her a new job , they would never take away the old one to give to someone else . However , to keep her from leaving , they gave her healthy raises and bonuses , making it impossible for other employers to match . My daughter hated her job more and more every day . She has been looking for a new job for months , in the media industry . Finally , while we were in Florida , she gets a call from a production company . After a couple of interviews she gets the job . She is happy that today is her last day at the plumbing company , but she is taking a huge cut in pay to pursue her career . She can only afford to do this because she lives at home . Hopefully , she will be happy and productive at her new company . Money isn 't everything . My younger daughter graduated this May and has been looking for work ever since . She majored in Medical Technology , which is supposed to be in high demand . After many months of sending out her resume , she was beginning to get concerned and discouraged . She graduated with honors and passed the licensing test with flying colors , but no job offers were coming her way . It 's frustrating after working so hard for four years . She had been told she will be a hot commodity after becoming licensed and then nothing happened for her . I shared her concern and prayed for her . I encouraged her even though I was worried . However , today she has a very promising interview at a state of the art laboratory that has facilities all over the world . She has two more interviews scheduled on Monday with two great hospitals . I really feel hopeful that she will be offered a job this time around . When I graduated college back in 1976 , the economy was a mess and there were no jobs to be had . I sent out a hundred resumes and cover letters , all typed by hand because we had no computers and printers . Out of that came two interviews , one at a big retail store in Manhattan , which I totally blew . The other interview was for a teller trainee at a bank . Thank God I got the second job because no other calls came for interviews . It wasn 't my ideal job , but it was a job . So , I understand how difficult my girls had it looking for work and how sometimes you have to take a job you don 't necessarily want until the one you want comes along . I 'm proud of both of them . They kept trying , even when discouraged . They networked with friends who had jobs to see if there were any openings available where they worked . And even at the worst of times , they were better off than most college graduates . They always had a roof over their heads and food on the table , no loans to pay off , no bills piling up . I think many kids today might take advantage of the situation and just freeload until they get the job of their dreams . But my girls always wanted to work and be independent . They worked very hard in school so that when they graduated they would be well prepared for their chosen careers . Unfortunately , the economic times made it very difficult , but they persevered . I am anxious to see how my older daughter likes her new job . She starts on Tuesday . I am equally excited for my younger daughter , who may soon be able to put all her skills and education into a new career . As hard as they have worked , they deserve to be happy and working for someone who appreciates their strong work ethic . When I look in the mirror , I don 't see a democrat or bleeding heart liberal . But , when I look in the eyes of some of my friends , that is all I see in the reflection of their eyes . I 've been reduced down to one element of my whole being . The casualties of the 2012 election are not over . So far , two friends unfriended me because I posted a quote about Romney 's money when I should have been posting about more serious issues . One " friend " called me a moron for agreeing with an article I posted . The same person called a friend of mine the " C " word and then went back and edited out the " u " so he didn 't look so " bad . " Then he had the audacity to tell my friend she should move out of " his country . " I generally don 't unfriend or block people , but I had to unfriend him . Yesterday there was a discussion on facebook that I joined . The Obama " O " was being called a symbol while the Romney " R " was referred to as a logo . If you google Obama logo and / or symbol you get the " O . " If you google Romney logo / symbol , you get the " R . " I stated that they were both logos and a logo is a symbol . To which a friend of mine replied with the middle finger like so " ┌∩┐ . . how 's that for a symbol ? " and her comment was promptly " liked " by another one of her very astute friends . Now what did I say that was so wrong ? I have never been told , " F * ck you , " in my life by anyone , let alone a " friend . " I have never even said those words myself to anyone and it 's not because I never had good reason . However , I find it troubling , insulting , vulgar and rude . I would not respond in kind . But this incident gave me pause to think , because these are not the only people I am having issues with this election . I have been online , chatting and talking to people I have never met or even spoken to on the phone , for years now . I can 't tell you how many of these people I feel I have been a good friend to . I am not trying to toot my own horn . I am just saying that I value people , I care about them , and would go out of my way to do whatever I can to help . Now I am going to mention a few things I have done , without mentioning names , because some of these acts were private and will always remain so . I help anyone , democrat or republican , I don 't consider their political views when I extend the hand of friendship . That 's who I am , not just a democrat . When you were unable to pay for a pet 's operation and I donated to the cause , you didn 't mind my being a democrat . And when I helped some of you provide a nice Christmas for your children when you weren 't able to , you didn 't mind my being a democrat . And when you were overwhelmed by some medical condition and needed someone to talk to or research doctors or remedies , you didn 't mind my being a democrat . When your expensive , new cell phones fell in the toilet and I offered you my old one , you didn 't mind my being a democrat . When your house had an eviction sign on the door and I helped stop the proceedings , you didn 't mind my being a democrat . When you needed someone to drop everything and listen to your problem , you didn 't mind my being a democrat . And when I offered good advice that made your life a little easier , you didn 't mind my being a democrat . When I tried to help you find financial aid for your daughter 's college education , you didn 't mind my being a democrat . When you requested prayers for yourself and family , you didn 't mind my being a democrat . But now , my being a democrat is all you see ? It 's sad , if that 's true . When I look in the mirror , I don 't see a democrat . I see a mother . I see a wife . I see a daughter . I see a sister . I see a friend . If you are reading this and all you see is a democrat when you look at me , I have a huge favor to ask of you . Please unfriend me now . It 's easy . Just a click of a button . Please don 't waste another second . Because when I look at you , I see a friend , not a republican . I give 100 % to all my friends . I don 't " love by halves , it 's not my nature . " " There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends . I have no notion of loving people by halves , it is not my nature . " ― Jane Austen , Northanger Abbey If you don 't feel the same way , then I invite you to leave and I promise no ill will or hard feelings . It will allow me to better focus on those who appreciate me being in their lives . Those who like it when I praise their accomplishments or their children 's . Those who love my sense of humor . Those who know that if they ever need someone to talk to they can count on me for advice , prayers , help , whatever it is in my power to do . That 's who I am , and that 's who I see in the mirror . Today would have been my mother 's 96th birthday . She left us seven years ago , when she was 89 . My mom never really enjoyed celebrating her birthday . I can recall a couple of times when we bought her a cake , flowers or a gift … she really didn 't appreciate the gift or the thought and , she would say , " it 's just another day . " But her 80th Birthday still stands out in my mind and in a few other minds too . About three weeks prior to my mother 's 80th birthday , we were all at my cousin 's house celebrating her baby daughter 's second birthday . There was a large crowd of friends and family there that day . My mother went around , in a boasting sort of way , making it known that her 80th birthday was just a couple of weeks away . An 80th birthday is , after all , a pretty big accomplishment , no to mention the fact that my mother had been telling us she was on " borrowed time " since she was 50 ! Well , after the party , we went home and didn 't think any more about it . The day of her birthday , my cousin calls me to say she wants to see my mother for her 80th birthday and will be driving in that night with her family . I begin to have two conversations … one with my cousin and one in my head . " Oh that 's nice of you , she 'll be surprised ! " ( In my head I am thinking , oh great , my mother hates surprises and celebrating her birthday . ) My cousin says she will bring the cake . I reply , " No , I have a bakery right here , I will get it and bring it to my mother 's tonight . " ( In my head I am thinking , how am I going to tell my mother that she will be having a houseful of company , so she can brace herself . ) My cousin says she will be there at 6 : 30 and can 't stay long because the kids have school the next day . I say , " Great , I 'll see you at 6 : 30 . " And now I have to call and tell my mother ! " Hi Mom , " I say , as she picks up the phone . " What do you want ? , " she answers . " I have to tell you something and you aren 't going to like it , " I reply . " Why ? What is it ? , " she asks with an attitude . " Well Maria is coming down tonight with her family to wish you a happy birthday and she wants it to be a surprise , " I explain . In an agitated state , my mother answers , " I don 't want to celebrate my birthday , it 's just another day on the calendar . Tell them to stay home ! " " I 'm not calling to tell them to stay home when they are trying to do a nice thing for you ! " I reply . " WHO THE HELL TOLD THEM IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY ? ! ? " she demands to know . " You did ! You told everyone at the party two weeks ago , and now they want to do something nice and come see you tonight . If you don 't want company , you call and tell them . " I answer , " and if not , remember to act surprised ! " Well of course , my mother doesn 't call my cousin to cancel the party and everyone arrives at 6 : 30 pm to wish my mom a happy birthday . A few minutes into the " party , " my cousin suggests that we call another of our cousins , who lives downstairs , in the basement apartment of my mother 's house , and tell her to come up and have a piece of cake . No one knows what time she comes home from work , but there are times it 's late . My cousin , Ann , who lives in the basement , is a bit illogical in her thinking , so I volunteer to make the call , as I communicate very clearly . And , when I call at 7 pm , I get her answering machine . I leave this message : " Ann , Maria and her family are here to celebrate my mother 's birthday . We have a cake . Maria has to leave early because the kids have school tomorrow . If you get this message in time , and you want a piece of cake , you are welcome to join us . " Now , we continue to talk and visit and my father puts up the coffee pot . My mother , despite her complaining , actually enjoys being the center of attention and being made a fuss over . At 7 : 45 we sing Happy Birthday and cut the cake . TheWell , I am seeing red and I started yelling at Ann . I tell her she arrives late to every party , no matter how much advanced notice she is given . Sometimes she shops for a gift the morning of the party . Is everyone supposed to wait for her ? I keep it up until I see the frightened look on all the children 's faces and the stunned expressions on the adults . I stop , quickly try to compose myself and apologize for my outburst . And this is how my mother 's birthday ended . Because it was now 8 : 30 and it takes Maria at least a half hour to 45 minutes to get home . Sixteen years later and I remember it like it was yesterday . My girls , who barely remember anything much of their childhood , have vivid memories of this occasion . In fact , I 'm sure everyone remembers it well . In case you think I am nuts , my cousin Ann has a very long history of poor communication , poor judgment , and no logic . My explosion was a result of years of being subjected to her irrationality and also from the fact that I took great pains to be clear to avoid any misunderstanding that night . On top of all that , I am my mother 's daughter , and the apple didn 't fall far from the tree ! Oh well , at least it was memorable . In 1977 Alex Haley 's " Roots " became a miniseries on television . My brother and I watched every episode and loved it . But even after watch . . . Over the past few years I have tried several online games . I find them relaxing and addicting . I 'm not sure if the addiction is to th . . . |
January 8 , 2017 ~ L So , some of you may remember a series I did a little while ago , with a story which I wrote aged 10 . Well , I bring you … 8 - year - old L 's ' Passed Out ' : a morbid tale of a bored child 's mind . It 's pretty long , yes , and I just found this in my emails ; I thought I 'd share it with you . It 's super long so I 'll stop rambling and just post it : enjoy ! When Ria discovers her old enemy is back in town , she needs to find a way to get rid of her . But when her Gran is dead , her parents are mad and she has no choice but to go with Anna , what lies in store ? Can Anna change her ways ? Can they finally work out the meaning to the world ? This is a digital recording . Some minor adjustments have been made , such as adding the speakers name at the beginning of their speaking part , adding chapter names and so on . Words that could not be made out because of poor audio quality have either been left out or guessed at . At the Liberations headquarters Frank and Laura Hazel were given a task . A task that could ruin many peoples lives . The Hazels ' were both trained for many years and then were released . Mrs Hazel walked out of the sliding metal doors , holding a tiny human baby to her as if it were the only thing she owned . It was the only thing she owned . Her only object that is , except the knife . The knife that would be passed from person to person , leaving destruction behind it . The knife with the curse . Whoever claimed that knife would use it in the worst way possible . As you may know , all books have happy endings . This one is an exception . Us two , I won 't tell you our names , you 'll soon find them out for yourself , are probably the most unlucky people on Earth . Nothing can help that though . That 's the way it must go . Just beware and don 't blame me if you sob your heart out and soak the pages in front of you . Look , I 'm going to give you a bit of basic info before we get started . My name is Ria Hazel . I 'm twelve - years - old and I live ( well , used to live ) in London , down a steep country road . I 'm not really British . I was born in America and only recently moved to England . It 's a bit grey and gloomy isn 't it ? How can you people live here all the time ? I lived with my Mum , my Dad and my Gran but two of them our mad and one is dead ( I won 't tell you which one as you 'll start crying and I haven 't even got ten minutes into the story ) . All of us love to read . However , that comes with a consequence . Our house is cluttered with all sorts . Old Dickens , some of my old Roald Dahl books . There are even a few of Mum and Dad 's ancient school textbooks ! That 's the reason I 'm writing this . When I was about seven I found a book that had a white cover . It had no title and totally blank , white , clean pages . I asked my Mum ( Dad was in a fowl mood that day ) and she said I could have it to write ( or then it was probably scribble ) in . I treasured it for five whole years . It would be in my schoolbag and every day I 'd feel it when I retrieved my homework or reading book . Now , I decided as I travel to somewhere ( I don 't know where ) , I 'm writing my autobiography . Well , I drafted it in the book and am now using a digital microphone to record it in full . Me and … well , you 'll hear her in a minute or two . I hated my Gran . She was always nagging at me to ' do homework ' and ' do the washing ' . Mum and Dad didn 't even like her ! Well , that was my guess . Although , as you 'll soon find out , I was totally wrong about at least one thing . I blew a strand of my red hair out of my face . It wasn 't naturally red . One of my friends ( or should I say enemies ) forced me to change my hair colour . Now , you might be wondering why I didn 't just refuse . Look , when someone is waving a … but I can 't bring myself to say that . She 's probably about thirteen , maybe fourteen - years - old now but I had not seen her for three years . Three years exactly that night . It was after that time when Mum and Gran had shouted at her so loudly that they 'd lost their voices for two weeks and had had to write notes to communicate with me and Dad . Anna was horrible to me that Easter but I was only a little kid then and I thought Anna was God or something . This was all when I was in America . That was one of the reasons I 'd moved , because of " er . Now , I realise she took advantage of my age and treated me as if I was the best to win me over . So anyway there I was , in my bed , thinking about life in general when there was a tremendous crash downstairs . I leapt out of my bed and ran full pelt downstairs , screaming at the top of my voice for my family . I heard Mum sobbing and Dad trying to comfort her . Gran was the most surprising of all though . She was standing in the hall , fists clenched staring at … at … Anna ? The old friend enemy of mine ? Who was supposedly in America ? But then even if she 'd moved to England she didn 't know where I lived . I thought she 'd forgotten me . Just one of the many ' small kids ' she 'd picked on in the past . I closed my eyes tight and then opened them again . I hoped it was all a terrible mistake . I would wake up and find myself shivering in my bed , as right as rain . I 'm not saying that rain is right but there you have it . Anna was busy glaring at Gran . Had she seen me ? I was pretty sure that she had not so I snuck upstairs , heading for the loo . My sneaking was not exactly sneaking as I kept tripping over great piles of books and stacks of boxes . Eventually , when I had fought my way to the room I required , I snatched the toilet brush and crept back downstairs . Yes , I know . It was a strange weapon to choose but it really was the best thing that I could think of . Well , looking back on it I can think of a heap of things I could have used but I guess I wasn 't thinking straight when seeing an evil teenager beating up my Gran . Anna and Gran were shouting now and punching each other . Now yes , I said I didn 't like Gran . However , deep down I loved her and was rather quite defensive of her . I sprinted behind Anna and jabbed her with the pointy end of the toilet brush . You know , the handle part . Hard . The element of surprise was on my side . Anna spun around . Her mouth dropped open in shock and she stepped back . Stepped back on to Gran . She stamped on my Gran and the old lady gave a cry . She collapsed in a heap on the hall floor . Mum and Dad came rushing out of the kitchen and ran to Gran . However , I thought it was to help her . Only then did I see the machine guns in their hands . " No ! " I shouted but it was too late . The bang was let loose and Gran gave a last word . A word that could have saved my life if only I 'd heard it then . Anna turned to Mum and Dad and slapped them on the back . Then she turned to face me . I shook in my slippers and took a shaky breath . " She was a worthless piece of junk , " said Dad in a tone of voice I 'd never heard him use before . " We didn 't need her any more . She was just an old woman standing in the way of our great victory to prevent you from getting to … " I was roughly shaken and I sat up . I found myself in a car which was travelling very fast . I mean two - hundred - miles - an - hour fast . Yeah , I couldn 't believe it at first either but when I blinked and blinked again I decided I wasn 't dreaming . I looked around the car . Dad was driving . Mum was next to him and Anna was next to me with her hands pressing down on my chest , preventing me from sitting up properly . I thought we were going fast but apparently I was deeply mistaken . I was thrown back with my head hitting the back of the seat . I felt as if I was a fly ( no I haven 't turned into a fly before but I guess that 's what it feels like ) . We were going at one - million - miles - an - hour , using no wheels at all . We sharply turned into a Tesco Extra car park . We screeched into a parking space ( it was a disabled space but I didn 't want to stand up for the rights of disabled people at this point ) . Anna grabbed my arm and yanked me out of the car . I stumbled and was dragged along the ground of the car park . Then I felt the warm rush of air which usually comes at shop doors . The ground turned to flat , slippery flooring . Yes , we were in a shop ! I could yell for help ! My mouth opened but just as it did another rush of air hit me . A rush of cold air hit me slap bang in the face ! I was tossed back into a car . It was a different one this time but Dad still managed to start the engine up . I hit my head on the glass of the window and I passed out once more . Wow ! Ten minutes and I 've passed out twice ! Maybe it 's some medical condition . The baby ! She can 't even stay conscious for half - an - hour ! I opened my window and let the cool air tickle my face . I kicked Ria in the legs . It was a hard kick too . She 'd wake up with extra bumps on her ankles . I might as well take advantage of her while she couldn 't feel it . I wanted to sleep but I was still thinking about earlier . I 'd killed someone . I still felt bad but there you have it . I looked out of the back window and saw a red car . I think it was a mini but I still can 't be sure . Whatever it was I wanted it . It was the most beautiful thing I 'd ever seen in my whole entire life and I could just picture myself in the front behind the wheel . It was following us closely , getting nearer every second . Then I recognised that car . I recognised it from my past . I 'd been very small when it had happened . When my parents … I might as well tell you what happened . This audio recording wouldn 't have reached you unless you have something to do with it . I no longer have parents . They were killed by H N F when I was only seven and since then I 've lived on the street . It 's been hard . Some nights I 've frozen to death . I 've been spoken to by weird people with strange faces . I 've hated my life so far so when I joined the Liberation Nerts I hoped my life might get a bit better . Tough . That really didn 't work . I 've had to relive my past but this time I was the killer and someone else was the victim . H N F were the people behind us . The supposed ' good people ' . I thought they were horrible as they 'd burned Frank and Laura 's house down thirteen years earlier . Why had they done it ? They 're so called ' good people ' and yet they murder totally innocent people ! At least , they could have . I don 't get how they can be called Help Not Fight and yet they fought the Liberation Nerts . I whipped open the door . The wheel was snatched out of Mr Hazel 's sweaty hands by the strong wind suddenly whipping everyone 's hair about . I stood on my seat , gathering my courage . I jumped straight out on to the M25 . I landed in a stream of traffic but I ran to the side of the road . I stared at all the cars and lorries and , for some reason I felt sorry for Ria . Trapped in that car with those two evil people . They 'd killed someone just for the hell of it . But then I 'd helped them to do it ! Was I just as bad as them ? I was determined to turn my behaviour around . That sounds like the thing they say in the infants ( no Ria , they didn 't say it to me twenty times a day . ) I think it was then that my personality changed . My mobile vibrated in my pocket and I picked it up . It was the latest I ' phone and I loved it . I saw Ria 's name pop up on the screen and answered the call . I saw Ria 's red hair . Oh god , Ria . Was that really her ? Yes ! Then the red hair . I really regret doing that now . I was so stupid . Ria came gasping up to me and then stepped back . I said everything to her . All my ' I 'm sorry 's ' . I didn 't think Ria would say anything but she did . " How can you just say sorry after all you 've done ? " she shouted at me and slapped me round the face . I couldn 't blame her . I 'd been horrid to her when she was younger . I got loads of weird looks from people in their cars but they were whizzing past so fast I couldn 't see them very clearly . One person got out of their car and asked if we were ok . He must have been really worried about us but he drove off eventually . " I heard Frank and Laura talking a minute ago , " said Ria when I 'd finished . " They were talking about the plan . Something about every chase that H N F make then they get an advantage . I don 't know how that 's happened or what advantage they get or what H N F are but I 'm really quite nervous . Maybe the advantage is something like H N F get weaker because they 're tired ? We have to run . I 've got no weapons or means of defence . I only have this cat . I found it in the back of the car just as I was wishing for company . What shall we do ? " I was silent . I didn 't know . I understood about the cat . It was because Frank always kept an animal with him so if he needed to get people into his car then he 'd have an attraction . I don 't like admitting it ( yes Ria , you smile ) but I really didn 't know what to do about our situation and that was the truth . " How much more walking ? " Ria asked , sounding exhausted . We 'd been walking for hours along the M25 , looking for a junction to exit off . In a car it seems like just a tick but when you 're walking it takes ages . " Come with me . You look really tired , " he said and pushed us firmly into the back seat . I wanted to protest but I couldn 't . I felt quite scared of this man . I knew something was wrong but I couldn 't put my finger on it . Looking back I really should have run . I should have opened the door and continued my walk to the next junction . If I had , my life would have been so much more different . I may have even survived . We drove and we drove and we drove and we drove . I got hungry and I could tell that Ria was so tired but still really nervous about this strange guy driving us to somewhere . We drove past a service station and I was dying to stop and look at the jewellery store that was advertised on the front window . I didn 't want to ask in case I started crying with disappointment if this guy ( I didn 't even know his name ) said no . We took a junction off the motorway and drove through some narrow , twisting , country lanes until we finally arrived at our unknown destination and parked in a drive . We climbed out of the car and gaped . There was a luscious garden with lovely flowers and a small , clean , shimmering pond in the middle . Birds flew around , singing gently and perching in the tops of the leafy trees . There was several poppies here and there . There were also some strawberry plants around , which were all drowned in the red fruit . The grass was exactly the right length . Not a blade longer or shorter than the rest . It seemed like the sun only shone over that garden and it was the most wonderful place in the world . Somewhere that you could just sit and live there for all of your life . You could drink from the pond and eat from the strawberry plants . I walked in a trance towards the beautiful garden but Ria hit me and snapped me out of it . We followed the man into his house . His hall was so dismal it could have been a dungeon not an entrance to a house that was inhabited . We took seats in the kitchen . I noticed that the guy locked the door behind us . I didn 't pay much attention to that at the time but it was strange . The room looked as if it had been painted but not finished . It was cream white but half of the paint was glossier than the other half . The house seemed old and creaky and there was lots of mahogany furniture around . " Would you like a drink ? A squash ? " the man asked , looking at me with a funny expression on his face . I thought he was being kind so I said that I would and Ria , after a few seconds , also agreed . We downed our drinks quickly and placed the empty cups on the table . " Are you ok ? " the man asked . I was just thinking that the only thing this person could say were questions and all we could do was answer them . So I was going to answer his question with a question . " That 's nice . I 'm sorry to be rude and all but could we go home now ? " asked Ria , being as polite as possible . We didn 't have a home ! I almost blurted this out but I thought that might get us into even more trouble so I shut my mouth . " I 'm delighted to have you here . I don 't usually have company . Why not stay for dinner ? " he invited us . I didn 't want to accept but I knew that me and Ria both needed to eat or we 'd die of starvation . So we stayed and ate pizza and chips . I have to say that there was something weird about the taste and it made me feel light headed . I could see Ria going pale and put down her knife and fork on her plate . She obviously wasn 't hungry . I wasn 't exactly either so I followed suit and sat back . We spoke to Garry ( it sounded like an old person 's name , don 't you think ? ) as he did the washing - up . Then the pain kicked in . It was like a needle stabbing into me and every part of my body felt like it was on fire ! I fell to the floor , clutching my sides but not in laughter . In pain . Garry looked down at me with satisfaction written all over his face in big capital letters and then my body was taken over and I became unconscious . The last thing I heard was a scream from Ria and a bang . I felt , heard , saw , smelt and tasted no more . Garry 's hand came towards me . I yelled and then the hand hit my head with a bang . I fell to the floor but , just for once , I didn 't pass out ! Garry grabbed my T - shirt and lifted me off the ground . I was dumped face down in a room and with a click the door was shut and locked . The world went silent . I sat up and felt my head spinning . I saw Anna who had also sat up and was exploring our surroundings . " I don 't know anything except we should not have gone with this Garry guy , " I said . " I also know that we need to escape as soon as we can and then get out of this horrid dump . Well , I 'm guessing we 're still in the house and not in a different world . " " Shall we try and find an exit ? " I asked . I just noticed that I still had the cat . The way that thing had appeared was weird . I 'd just wished for some company and it had appeared . Was I some sort of magician or something ? It must have just been a fluke . Without another word I started investigating , looking for an escape . Maybe a loose brick , a key for the lock , anything that would help . Then I saw something . A little piece of silver metal right in the corner of the room . I picked it up gingerly and examined it . Nothing special . I showed it to Anna but , like me , she thought it was nothing much either . What could we do ? Should we answer ? Should we just stay quiet ? I decided to go for the second , more safer option and stay as quiet as a mouse . Garry repeated himself but again got no response . Then the door was flung open and Garry 's horrid face leered at us from the gloomy hall . I saw an escape immediately . I gave small signs to Anna to follow me and then ran to the car . Garry spun on his heel and ran after us but he tripped and fell on his face . Anna took the time to go back and stamp on him . He wouldn 't be up and about for a while ! The car door ( luckily ) was unlocked so I jumped straight in and jump started the engine . Anna got in the back and we sped off . The hard country roads were the worst place to learn to drive but I didn 't have much of a choice . Anna had driven before so after a few minutes I managed to pull over to the curb and we switched places . The journey was much smoother with Anna driving instead of me and I found myself much more comfortable . I started looking around the car to see what we had . Money was one thing that Garry obviously never ran short of but none of it was English currency . So we were trapped with no money and no idea where we were going or where to go . " Well , I had to take my anger out on something . " she replied . " Look , Ria . There 's no easy way to put this so I 'm just going to get straight to it . I have no parents any more . H N F killed them many years ago and since then I 've lived on the streets . H N F are the good side and my parents were part of the Liberation Nerts . That 's the bad side . I used to belong to them too . I 've had to defend myself for six years . I 've got into some pretty rough fights in my time . Some that you really don 't want to hear about . " I couldn 't believe my ears . Anna , a homeless person ? How could it be ? I thought Anna bullied for the fun of it but now I realised that I had been seriously wrong . I fiddled with the silver piece of metal which was still in my pocket from earlier . I put it on the cats ' back for a moment while I looked for my phone and when I looked back the cat had been turned to … to … silver ? How had it happened ? The cat had disappeared and in its place was a perfect statue of the cat with every last detail of the real thing ! I refused to believe my eyes . I blinked . I blinked again . I blinked one final time . it was real ! ! ! ! ! I told Anna and she also was transfixed . She didn 't look at the road ahead . There was a crash . A shattering of glass was heard and we were tossed every which way . I felt as if every bone in my body was broken but I appeared to be unharmed . Anna seemed to be the same . She started cursing herself for not paying attention to the road . I told her it wasn 't her fault although deep down I knew it was . When I looked at the cat , I discovered it must have been the light . The cat wasn 't silver at all ! That crash for nothing . We had to get out of that place . We couldn 't just lay there . In the time that Anna had been talking about her life I 'd remembered Mum and Dad . Were they looking for us ? Was Garry one of their friends ? None of the answers were clear and I couldn 't think straight anyway . We ran . People were shouting out of their windows but we didn 't care . We just ran , looking for a hiding place where people wouldn 't think to look for us . We eventually found a small cave and dived inside . We panted for several moments before actually speaking . " I 'm not sure really , " replied my friend . I could tell she was scared but was trying to hide it for my sake . I was grateful for that . When I awoke I found Anna gone . At first , I thought she 'd just gone to look for a shop or something but as one hour , two hours , three hours past I got scared . I shouted out her name . I called her mobile but it had been left in the cave with me . Did that mean she 'd come back to get it ? Then I noticed that Anna had a text . I checked the text and saw it was from her voicemail service , telling her that she had a new message . I listened to the voicemail . As it went on , I turned whiter and whiter . " Hi . Don 't worry Ria . It 's me , Anna if you didn 't know . Look , I 've gone looking for help . You remember H N F ? Well , they might help us don 't you think ? I 'm going to look for them to help us . Stay where you are . Don 't ring this number back . My phone is with you . Keep it . I might ring it every now and again . Just because you lost yours when Frank took it to ring me yesterday . It will come up as an unknown number but just answer it . Right , remember this . There 's some money in my bag so go and spend it on some food and drink or something . Don 't spend pointlessly ! See you soon . I 'll be back in touch soon . Keep the phone on at all times . Don 't worry . Bye . " I pressed the button to save the message and cut the old woman 's voice off . The message had been left after I 'd gone to sleep last night . I looked in Anna 's many bags but gave up halfway through the search . I sat on the ground , putting my head in my hands and sobbed . Sobbed for the world . Sobbed for myself . Most of all though , I sobbed for Anna . I stamped around the cave and continued the search for the money . Then I found a pouch marked with a pound sign . I opened it up and found … no money . Instead , there was a folded note which read as follows : Your Gran might not be gone . You may be able to get her back . All you have to do is abandon Anna and then we 'll see . She was working for the Liberation Nerts anyway . We will know if you have accepted in the following manner . If you stay in the cave for four days you have accepted the invitation we have given you . Upon your acceptance , your next set of instructions will be delivered to you . What ? What was it on about ? Who was it from ? Was it Anna trying to trick me ? No , she wouldn 't do that to me . Or would she ? My sight began to go blurry and I felt tears trickling down my cheeks . I didn 't even bother to try and wipe them away . Anna had told me to stay put but if I did that I 'd be playing right into the hands of whoever wanted Anna dead . Anyway , I 'd seen my Gran die . Was she really alive or was I being tricked ? Maybe this note was from the Liberation Nerts . Anna had quit from there so maybe they were determined to get her and kill her . Anna was looking for H N F . She had her own difficulties searching all over the country . I had a horrible decision to make . We were separated and were confronted with our own problems . Was that the Liberation 's plans to separate us ? Then they could throw troubles at both of us . Was Anna ok ? I had no idea whatsoever . I was sure about one thing and one thing only . I would save Gran and Anna if it was my life 's work . I 'd go through hell to keep them both alive and well . That is , as long as it 's possible . I don 't know how my Gran can be alive after what I saw two days ago but I 'll search until my dying day . I swear I will . I swear I will . I swear . Give me the microphone . Hey , Anna here . Ria has eventually stopped chattering on and given me the microphone . So you have the one and only … me . ( Ria 's telling me that we only have a few hours and so I should get on with it . ) Well , I collected some essentials and made my way out of the cave , careful not to disturb Ria in the process . I stood outside our temporary living quarters and shivered . Not with the cold but with fear and anxiety for what I was about to start . I gave myself a thorough telling off . I could not hesitate . Any hesitation would be the death of me and I knew it . H N F were my only hope . I had to find them and then track down Frank , Laura and Garry . With one last look at my surroundings I set off on my travels . I had several ideas about where to start my search . I 'd used my I ' phone and surfed the web for anything that might help . Several maps had appeared but nothing for sure . As the locations of the multiple places were reasonably near where I was at the moment ( according to the built in GPS system on the phone I 'd found on the ground and borrowed ) I decided to go ahead . I started up the GPS app on the borrowed phone ( Ria says I stole it ) and set my first location . I 'd made a map of where to go first , second , third etc . I made it make sense so I was going in some sort of order and not doubling back on myself ( well , not any more than I could help . ) I turned left . I turned right . I turned right . I turned left . I took the middle fork . I walked across the square . I turned left . I lost track from then on and simply followed the directions the phone was giving me . I didn 't like being dependent on a piece of technology that could break down at any minute but it was my only option and I had to lump it . Eventually , I arrived at my ' destination ' . I think I got to the wrong destination as a boarded up house didn 't look like an organisations headquarters . I searched anyway although the results were pointless . A book and a strange lock on the front door . No help in that . I moved on . It was maybe 11 , 30 PM now and I thought about Ria for the first time since the beginning of my journey . She must have been worried sick . I ran to the nearest phone box and took out the minimal money supplies I 'd taken with me . I shoved them into the coin slot and dialled my mobile number . It rang . It rang . It rang . It rang . Then my own cheerful voice could be heard through the speakers ! I realised that it was a voicemail message . I followed my request and left my message . Part way through the message my voice began to crack but I tried to hide it . I hung up the phone and let the flood of tears roll down my cheeks . I huddled myself into the corner of the box and tried to prevent the tears from rushing down my face but to no avail . I cursed myself harshly . How could I have left Ria all alone ? What kind of friend was I ? Now , you guys out there who are unfortunate enough to be listening to this may be wondering how I could care so much when twenty - four hours ago I 'd killed this girl 's gran . Well if you think that , you need to get it into your head that I hate myself for doing that . I 'll never forgive myself . Just as I was busy feeling sorry for myself and feeling very cold , a grubby - looking man opened the door and entered the telephone box next to me . I looked at him wearily . I couldn 't make out his facial features in the dim light of the moon outside which worried me . What if it was Garry , back for revenge ? I 'd have no hope here , battling in the deadly silence with no passing person to lend a helping hand . I scampered to the door but this man blocked my way . I shoved him out of the way and kept going . He yelled after me but I ignored him . My GPS system was beeping at me , alerting me I was heading the wrong way . I didn 't care . I flung myself into a bush as running footsteps went past me . I shuddered as I recognised those shoes , those yells . It was Frank . I let him pass and then slowly stood up , shaking leaves out of my hair and clothes . I looked a wreck . I could see that without looking in a mirror . I looked at my GPS app on my phone and it told me that my destination was the same way Frank had just gone . Should I go ? Well , if Frank was going that way to destroy H N F then I guess I should go too , to save them of course . I stealthily followed Frank , keeping him enough distance away that he wouldn 't suspect anything but near enough that I didn 't lose sight of him . He strode on , making me trot to keep up . I prayed that my GPS system wouldn 't give me away . Thank god it didn 't but something else did . This phone rang ! Of course , as it wasn 't mine I had no idea who ' Betty Grayham ' was but I didn 't really want to speak to her either . I 'd probably be arrested for stealing a phone or something . Look , big tip to all you heroes out there . Don 't follow a villain who doesn 't know you 're there with a phone that isn 't on silent and isn 't yours . It can give you away instantly . It did me . Frank turned on his heel and stared straight into my eyes . I ran . " Stop ! " called Frank . Like a completely mental person , I froze . I ever - so - slowly turned my head and spotted Mr Hazel stalking towards me , a look of pure glee on his face . I couldn 't stand for that . I continued my running . I ran round the block as I gathered that if I went round the block I 'd be facing the other way . Then I could at least head for H N F who should help me and not fight me instead . Frank must have assumed my plan as when I came round the block I found him smiling , barring my path . " I 'm cleverer than that , little girl , " he chortled , grabbing my T - shirt . Now what I 'm about to tell you isn 't good . I slipped out of my T - shirt and , after a few deep breaths , forced myself to be sick all over Frank Hazel . I can do things like that . After that I pushed him over and continued my journey down the moonlit road ( after getting my top back of course ) . I came out on to a main road which , although not as many as usual , had some cars racing up and down it . My instincts earlier were right as just at that moment the first few clean , white , fluffy snowflakes came tumbling out of the sky and began to settle on the pavement ahead , behind and generally all around me . Hang on , snow , in summer ? I don 't believe it ! But then , I 'm not believing much nowadays and yet I still get on with life . My footsteps began to crunch beneath me . I thought of Ria . Had the cave been blocked in ? Was she ok ? I 'd had some change from the last phone call . Should I ring her ? I decided against it . I would just start crying . I 'd find something first . I walked for hours ! On a map it didn 't look far but it must have been miles away . As I walked the light of the sunrise began to shine over me , making the snow twinkle like the stars that had been in the sky no longer than an hour before . ( Ria is telling me to stop sounding so poetic . ) I began to walk down a quiet back street as my navigator was instructing me to . I walked across a park with the swings covered in a thick blanket of snow . When I turned into a driveway and looked up at a tall building looming above me , I knew it was the right place . I just had this feeling . It was a tall building , maybe four or five floors high with an automatic door and many windows . I trembled . I needed to go through the door and inside . I needed help . The lift took a while to arrive but in the end there was a sharp ping and the doors smoothly glided open . There was a plain , white , clean passage leading both ways . I stepped out of the lift and turned to the left . As I progressed further down the passage doors began to appear . Odd numbers to the left and even numbers to the right . I found B18 and stood outside . I took a deep breath . I knocked . I opened the door gingerly and walked in . The walls were a light blue and there were filing cabinets all over the place . In the centre of the room there was a chair behind a desk which was littered with papers . The man himself looked kind and friendly . " I can 't give all my secrets away , " the man chuckled . " What I will say though is that you were very clever to get here . It 's a bit of a shame that I must destroy you . " Without any warning the man sprang at me , grabbing me from around my neck . I screamed but he slapped his hand over my mouth . He tossed me upside down . All my blood rushed to my head . At that point I must have passed out . I woke in a comfortable bed which was in a beautiful room smelling of chocolate with a window . I sat up and saw a woman next to me . I didn 't know her but I was not going to take any chances . Just as I sprang to my feet the door swung open and the man from earlier entered . I jumped up and ran out of the room . I found a lift and punched the ground button . The doors slowly opened but before they were fully open I dashed inside . I knocked another man flying but I didn 't have time to stop and say sorry . The lift went painfully slowly but I eventually reached the ground floor . " Sorry , " I muttered and tried to push past the lady . She wouldn 't let me . I took a good look at her , getting ready to punch her but I recognised her as one of the people that had seen the car accident . I quickly made my excuses and continued . I pushed the heavy door of H N F but they wouldn 't budge . I shoved them but not even my best attempt could prize the doors ajar . " I wont tell a soul , " I promised . Of course , back then I didn 't know that I would tell a soul . Well , not a soul apart from Ria . The receptionist walked cautiously over to the door and took a small key from her pocket . She turned the key in the lock and swung the door open . I quickly ran out of the H N F offices and nodded my thanks to the girl . Then I ran . She 'd come back ! She 'd remembered me ! I thought after that message she … she wasn 't coming back . But she 'd come ! Come for me ! Anna explained slowly and I got the facts at last . I was so stunned . H N F had turned into F N H ! I never thought that would happen . " Waaaaaa ! " repeated the baby more insistently this time . However , me and Anna had no idea what it was insisting . It could have been wanting to eat cheese or asking to smash a window ! Anna gave the baby a funny look , almost as if she had seen it before . Had she seen it before . They definitely had a likeness . The same eyes . The same pointy ears . Hang on ! Oh god ! That was it wasn 't it ? Anna had a … I got that thought straight out of my head . I didn 't want to think about it . But I had to think . I couldn 't stand this not knowing . " Lily , " whispered Anna softly as her eyes began watering . No not just watering . She was crying . I ran to comfort her but she pushed me away as if she didn 't want to be with me . The floor beneath me disappeared and I fell unsupported . My heart bounced up from my feet to my head . Anna 's child . Anna 's child . Anna 's child . Just those two words could make my head go into complete madness . I didn 't know what I was thinking . Was I happy ? Was I jealous ? No , I was j … j … emotionless . Anna , a fourteen - year - old girl and she had a child ? This baby looked … I don 't know … eighteen months or so ? I couldn 't believe it ! I couldn 't believe it ! Anna rushed at the child but at the feel of its skin she let go . She dropped to her knees and picked the child up , cradling the youngster in her shaking arms . It looked as if it needed a bit of tlc but where could it get some of that around here . The faces we 'd seen yesterday during the crash had looked harsh , even mean . This baby didn 't deserve t … this baby … this baby … not just this baby . Not just this baby but Anna 's baby . It wasn 't just any old child . " Michael , " said Anna , turning to face me . " Michael . We were f … similar backgrounds . Both on the streets . And , well , we loved each other . Not just like any old love . I mean really strong stuff . We had Lily but he left me before she was born . He , was on the run . From the police . Mistaken identity . They had no right to go after his like that . I hope he 's alive but its just so unlikely . I wanted to find him , to show him our baby but I never did . " Then I passed out . It may have just been shock of seeing Anna and her baby and hearing her tale . All of it must have taken me over and now I was passed out . Next thing I knew I could hear a whining sound , like a cat being strangled ( trust me , I 've heard it ) . Anna was trying to comfort what ever was making the noise but wasn 't succeeding . Then I realised it was Lily . I sat up slowly , wondering what Lily was moaning about . I looked around and saw something I really didn 't expect . " I 'm trying to get rid of it , " she answered and just then she threw a stick out into the open . The dog bounded after the stick while I shoved stones in front of the cave entrance . All daylight was shut out and we were in total darkness . Footsteps crunched on the gravel outside . Quick , smooth footsteps , as if the dog was coming back , hunting for a way into the cave . Then they stopped . The sound of breathing could be clearly heard through the rock of the cave . I looked at Anna , and our looks were identical . They were looks of confusion . Who was standing outside of the cave ? Or rather , what was standing outside our cave ? " I know what you mean you idiot , " Anna retorted . " I don 't know . And , to be honest with you , I don 't want to find out . " I crawled to the cave entrance , where we 'd stacked rocks only minutes before and tried to press my ear against them . But the unusual angle of the rocks poked my head . It was painful ! I didn 't try that again ! I closed my eyes for a minute and then opened them again . Something had changed . At first , I couldn 't work out what but then I saw it . The rocks were moving ! The entrance block was moving , just enough for me to see out . Just enough for someone to peek in . The first sign of the person outside was the ugly face peering in at us . Lily whined and shook her fists at the man - or was it a woman , it wasn 't clear . The features of it were rather unclear in the narrow gap of the rocks . However , I could see pretty clearly that the person was grinning . Grinning in a way that I … didn 't exactly like . It was a mean , nasty , intimidating smile , used by those who wish to scare and yet not scare themselves . I looked away although it was too late . The person , who I think now was a man , had seen my face and was surely going to call out to me . Five minutes passed . Then ten . Then fifteen . I thought it would be safe now but then a sound of moving rocks got my attention . Oh gosh , he was moving the rocks aside , coming in ! I dared not scream out for Anna as they may punish me in some strange , harsh , frightening way . The stranger continued pushing rocks aside . Lily was oddly silent . It was a bit unnerving all this quiet . I exchanged a look with Anna , well tried to but she wasn 't looking in my direction . She wasn 't looking at Lily or the stranger either . She was just staring into space , a fixed look on her face . Eyes open , mouth slightly drooped . Her chest didn 't even move with the pattern of her breathing . Hang on . No breathing . No breathing . No … breathing … Oh god ! Anna ! She wasn 't … no , she couldn 't be . Not after all we 'd been through . I charged at Anna , shook her , shouted at her twisted her . No reaction . But then , the two tiny wounds on her wrists became noticeable to me . The tiny pools of red blood at her hands . No , she hadn 't done it on purpose . She wasn 't the type to just give up . And Lily . What about Lily ? No , this couldn 't be true . But it was and the stranger seemed to know it as he stuck his knife into my back and pushed me out of the cave . It wasn 't a hard push but I got the message . I struggled and that knife would go bang into my spine and I 'd be like Anna . As dead as a doornail as Dickens said in , one of his boring books that we 'd read at school when I was half asleep . I was bundled into a long , black car with tinted windows so no one could see in and , I suppose more importantly , I couldn 't see out . There was a partition between the passenger area and the drivers seat . I guessed I was in the passenger area . When the doors had shut , a few silent seconds passed . The car must have been soundproof as I didn 't hear the man go to the drivers door until it opened and he got in . The car immediately started and we zoomed off into the afternoon light . Hours and hours and hours and hours passed before we actually stopped but even then I wasn 't let out . The drivers door slammed shut but my door didn 't open , not even after half - an - hour . I fell to the floor and put my head in my hands . I just cried . I thought about Anna 's body . Just the little pools of blood . And she wouldn 't even get a proper funeral or burial either . The van door opened and in came … the police ? But not happy looking . I was dragged out and was thrust into the police station where we 'd arrived . I was in a cell made of stone . Nothing in there . Just stone . I 'd tried to explain what had happened earlier to a strict looking officer but she 'd simply looked at me scornfully and walked on as if I didn 't exist . Righting this fast . Look , the pleace are bad . There after us for some thing . Don 't wurry . It 'll be ok . I wos protending 2 b ded so thay wood not take 2 much truble with me . Just no that I 'm still hear . Sea u soon . Be carm . Anna ! She was alive ! Or was it fake ? No , it had to be her ! I mean , there was loads of mistakes . I 'll list them : Nineteen mistakes ! But it had to be her ! I trusted her . Just at that moment , I heard the key in the lock of the door . I shoved the letter in my pocket and acted as if nothing was wrong . The same officer I 'd tried to talk to earlier entered , snapped handcuffs on me and took me out of my cell and towards the open door and the end of the passage . I was in the cave and saw Ria being , well , kidnapped . I followed . Well , at first I did but then , I really needed to speed up so I , um , jumped on the roof of the car top : It was easy . Lily , well , I had to leave her behind . Well , when I arrived I was obviously spotted by the police and carted off . I quickly wrote a note and slipped it under the cell door marked Ria Hazel . Then I was stuck in my own boring cell . Soon I was led away down a passage and I caught sight of Ria ! She was ok ! Thank goodness for that ! But we were being led outside ! Whatever for ? I wasn 't expecting the police just to put us in a car and say " Here you go . Have a nice day . " There was a crowd outside all watching us . We were sat in two big chairs and were strapped in tightly . I could barely breathe ! There was a short speech with language I couldn 't understand . But then a needle was injected into me . A sharp needle . And it hurt like hell . Then it all stopped ! I was being lifted up , taken away and put in a car with Ria . We were being driven . I couldn 't think properly . Then we stopped . Out of the car . On a stage . Lots of people . Sharp thing in my back . Why would they care ? I 'm just here , in this doorway , begging . I 've made 42 pence all day . Not even enough to use a train station loo . I need sleep . But what if someone shoots , steels , anything ? I 've got to keep watch . Watch for a mate , a person to hang out with . To stay close to . To protect me . I had a quick nap in Tesco Extra 's doorway . I hope they wouldn 't mind . " Hello ? " I woke to see a boy , about my age looking down at me . It was obvious he was homeless too . Not unkind just worried . " Could I stay with you ? " he asked timidly . " I 'm new at this . You know , begging , living rough , being on the … " So for weeks , month even years me and the boy , Michael , were getting closer and closer . And then one day , it happened . He took me to a toilet and we just loved … But then he had to go . He said he 'd be back in a minute or two but he never came . I just sat in the toilet and let the tears stream down night after night . That 's when I got a grip on life . I went to a school , got an education and tried to forget . But it didn 't happen . Dad and Gran arguing again . Something about the right side ? Dunno . H N F and Liberation something . Mum tried to block me from hearing but I heard alright . Didn 't like it . Scary . Keep getting scared that Mum and Dad and Gran my split up . Where would I go ? Mum is cool and comes to shop for dresses with me . Dad likes me more b … Christmas . Very dismal . Presents rubbish . Who wants an IPod ? I 've already got an IPhone ! Turkey was alright . Gran cooked it . Gran is a good cook . She used to cook at my school and everyone would come back for more ! She gave up . Too stressful . Board . Going to bed . Another year older ! Yay ! Eight now ! And I can spell eight ! Big birthday cake . As I said , what , a week ago , Gran is a great cook and she baked the cake . There was a big party and all my friends came round . Anna tried but Gran got her out real quick ! Oh , I 've got a new phone ! The newest IPhone ! Yay ! Another year older , another year wiser , or so they say . < Previous New Year 's ResolutionsNext > Afterthoughts 15 thoughts on " Bonus Edition … It 's Long , OK ? " Elm says : January 8 , 2017 at 15 : 29 I REMEMBER READING THIS OHMYFUCKINGGOD let me actually read it now Reply Elm says : January 8 , 2017 at 16 : 11 " Then we went to the toilet and just loved . " Legitimately crying . That was the best thing I 've ever fucking read ; OHMYGOD ! ! ! I forgot all about it , but now I remember . I mean I 'm pointing out all of the technicalities that are wrong but shhhh . Also you had a fab vocabulary . Still crying with laughter AAAH ! ! Reply lissndani says : January 8 , 2017 at 18 : 48 L … . I 'm genuinely a little concerned . What exactly is this ? ! Fourteen year olds having babies and leaving them in caves and a terrifying man named Gary and What ! ? ! I mean I found it quite funny but part of me can 't help but wonder if I should be a bit worried about younger you … . . Reply Ash says : January 9 , 2017 at 20 : 19 I genuinely died at the ' he took me to the toilet and we just loved ' part 😂 How did you even know that was even a thing at that age ? ? And bruuh they were like 12 ! ! ! I 'm eternally disturbed 😂 A Little Thanks To … Mahriya @ My Bookish Life for designing this blog . If you would like her to design your blog then please contact her for more details . Designs are completely free . London vector designed by Freepik Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Jeri sat waiting for Anthony to show up . He would be five minutes late she knew . He was always five minutes late . It was long enough for the person waiting to think maybe he wasn 't going to show up but not so long that they would be angry with him or would leave . She wasn 't even sure if he realized he did it , but she knew . She had thought about showing up 10 minutes late just to make a statement but it was a brief thought . The time in her life where she wanted to say anything to him had passed years ago . Now she just wanted to see what he was after and go home . " Jeri ! You look great ! I can 't believe it 's been so long . " Anthony put his arms around her hugging her tightly . " Can I get you anything ? I see you have a coffee already , you must have gotten here awhile ago , I was held up , how had I forgotten that traffic was so bad on this side of town ? I don 't know how you stand living out here . " Typical Anthony to turn his being late into a knock on her choice of where to live . Or maybe typical of her to hear the insult when he was just talking to fill space . As he made his way to the counter to order Jeri noticed a few women in the shop looking at him over their coffee cups . He was fully aware of the attention and made sure to smile over his shoulder at Jeri , but really it was so the women looking at him could be dazzled by his perfect grin and adorable dimples . Then he turned to flirting with the barista . Most likely she would end up giving him his coffee for free , or at least her phone number . In the beginning of their relationship Jeri would have been proud that so many women found him attractive and he chose to be with Jeri , by the end she would be tired of it . Tired of sharing his attention . Tired of knowing that he craved that attention more than he would ever admit . And never really knowing if flirtation was all he was after . He came back to the table with his coffee and sat looking at her . Soul gazing he would call it , where you look deeply in to someone 's eyes . It used to make her feel like he was the only one who truly saw her . Who understood her . And who wanted to know her more . But then she realized he used it on everyone right before he asked for a favor . He had figured out that he could form almost an instant bond with someone by just looking at them . That was one of the things Jeri had learned from him , that people just wanted to be looked at . To be seen . Though Anthony never really saw anyone . He just liked the reflection of himself he could see in their eyes . " Stop trying to manipulate me . You 've been doing it since you called . You knew I wouldn 't answer if I recognized the caller ID so you called my office instead of my cell . You knew I would never agree to drinks or dinner with you so you suggested afternoon coffee . And you knew I would never just go grab a cup of coffee with you so you asked for help for Jeanie . Now you are trying to soften me up by telling me how great I look and bringing up good memories . So stop it . I 'm here . I 'm listening , what do you want ? " Jeri could see the ice in his eyes this time . He was recalculating his next set of moves . He should laugh and pat her hand and then move on . . . . Anthony laughed a little and reached out to pat her hand , " Oh , Jeri , don 't be so tense . I wasn 't trying to manipulate anything . You do look great and of course I would think of the first time we heard that song . You are sitting right here in front of me . Don 't try and tell me it 's not bringing up a lot of memories . " Anthony sat back away from the table and for the first time that day Jeri saw his real face . The one he rarely showed to anyone . No smile , no charm , no dazzling dimples . Just a normal calm face . Now he would speak the truth . " There isn 't an easy way to say this . Mom 's dying . The cancer came back . They didn 't catch it until it had spread too far to treat . They think she has three months left at most . " " Oh , Anthony , I am sorry . She was always lovely to me . She even called a few months after we split to see how I was . I didn 't go see her , for obvious reasons , but I was touched that she thought of me . " " Mom has been talking a lot about her life . What she has done and hasn 't done . And her biggest regret is that she didn 't get to be a grandmother . Felicia got married last year but they haven 't had kids yet and there isn 't time for her to give Mom a grandchild even if she got pregnant right away . " As he spoke the anger bloomed inside of Jeri filling her with ice . She wasn 't sure she could move without shattering . He couldn 't possibly be here to ask for that . To want that . To think she would give him that . She took a deep breath to try and keep calm . " Look , I know I blew it , okay , I know that I made a bad choice but it was what 6 years ago ? I 've changed , I 've grown up . I want to make it right . " " I know that when we talked about what we were going to do you talked about open adoption . And I thought maybe you had gone through with that ? I tried to check at the hospital but they wouldn 't give me any information , even though I 'm the father . " " No , Anthony , you aren 't . Don 't you remember ? When I refused to ' take care of it ' the way you wanted me to you said you wanted nothing more to do with it . There was no ' what we were going to do ' , you made it perfectly clear that it was my problem and if I wasn 't going to take care of it you wanted nothing to do with it . I have a legal document you signed giving away all rights and responsibilities as a parent . You never were the father . Ever . " Anthony reached out to try and pat Jeri 's hand again but she pulled away from him like he had burned her . " Jeri , don 't be like this okay ? I just want to know if it 's possible for me to give my Mom the one thing she regrets not having . " " You are unbelievable . How did you think this was going to go ? That you would call the hospital and they would be so pleased to hear from you that they would give you all of the information you wanted just like that ? " " Well they didn 't . . . " Jeri cut him off , " And when that didn 't happen you thought you would call me and I would tell you what you wanted ? Help you give your Mom a grandchild ? Did you think this through at all ? " " I haven 't thought of much else since she said this was her big regret . I knew I could give her this . How can you be so selfish to not even consider it ? " " How did you plan on doing this , Anthony ? How did you see it going ? That you were going to walk in to Jeanie 's house and present her with a child ? ' Look , Mom ! Your grandchild ! ' and then she would be so happy and pleased with you that she would declare that from this moment forward and forever more you would be the favorite child ? That you could hold this over Felicia 's head until the day one of you died ? That you were the one who gave Jeanie her grandchild . You were the one she loved best . " As Jeri spoke she could see on Anthony 's face that this was exactly how he thought it would go . That this was , as it always was , about him . How he could be the one everyone loved . How he could be the best . His mother wanted a grandchild ? Well he just happened to know where he might be able to get her one , beat that Felicia . " Well let me save you from yourself one more time . Not that you deserve it but let me tell you how it would have gone . If you had walked in to Jeanie 's house with a five year old child and presented her with her long lost grandchild she wouldn 't have been happy with you , Anthony , she would have hated you . Don 't look so shocked . You told me her one regret was not having grandchildren , how do you think she would feel knowing that she did have one and for five years she hasn 't had a relationship with that child because you didn 't want anything to do with it . You wanted the pregnancy terminated . No child at all . And now five years later you want to show a woman on her deathbed that she could have had what she always wanted except you were too selfish to give it to her . " " I didn 't . . . " " No , you didn 't , because you never do . And what did you think was going to happen after your big presentation ? This is a child we are talking about not a show pony . Did you think you could just pick up and drop off and not leave a mark on this child 's life ? Not cause pain and confusion to an innocent child ? Just because you wanted to come play the hero ? You know that as soon as your mother passed playing at being a dad in any way shape or form would wear thin and what then ? Did you think at all about the child ? For even a second ? " " Have you been listening to me at all ? Your fantasy of how this would have gone was just that , a fantasy . It would have been a disaster . You would have hurt your mother and the child by trying to be the hero . Just let it go . And besides I didn 't do the open adoption so I can 't help you anyway . " At this point Anthony 's face fell . " I know you don 't believe it , Jeri , but I really have changed . I 've grown up a lot . And I really did think this was going to be good for her . I 'm not the selfish monster you seem to think I am . " " Anthony , I would believe you except for two things . First off do you remember the last time we talked ? You called me because you needed a ride home from a party . You were drunk and couldn 't drive and needed me to get you . You told me how you could always count on me . I would always be there for you . But when I told you I couldn 't come get you , you lashed out . Called me selfish . Spoiled . Mad at you because you didn 't want to get married and settle down . I told you again I couldn 't come and hung up . That was the last time you called me until this week . March 23 , 2008 . I know the exact date because I had been in the hospital all day . I had just woken up from an emergency C section . My uterus was punctured during labor and if they hadn 't gone in when they did I would have bled to death and the baby would have died as well . When my phone rang and I saw it was you I was so happy . You did care , you had to have heard and you were calling to make sure I was alright . We were alright . And then I realized you didn 't have a clue . " " How was I supposed to know ? " " You could have asked . Asked a simple question , Anthony . How are you ? But you didn 't . And that 's the second way I know you haven 't changed . You haven 't asked the one thing any normal person would be wondering . Was the baby a boy or a girl ? So I can 't help you , Anthony , it wasn 't an open adoption . You are going to have to try and beat out Felicia with some other move . Now if you 'll excuse me , and even if you won 't , I have someplace else to be . " You know that movie or sitcom cliche where the adult goes back home for a visit and has to sleep in his or her childhood bedroom and it 's not been changed ? The teen idol posters on the walls , the Star Wars sheets on the bed ? And then much hilarity ensues . Well this has always been amusing to me but not really identifiable as real . A few months before Brent and I got married my parents moved in to a new place and there weren 't enough bedrooms for the amount of people living there . Since I was moving out in a few months I slept on the couch in the living room so I didn 't even have a childhood bedroom to go back to if I had wanted to . So today I was cleaning up C 's room in prep for Corrie coming to visit next Friday ( yay ! ) and as I dusted shelves and straightened books I thought , " This really has turned in to a time capsule . " C doesn 't live here any more , he visits when school is out of session . Home is his apartment in Burlington with his roommates . That place looks like a group of men in their early 20s live there . His study here is like that . Video games , computer desk , comfy chair . But his bedroom has really stopped changing since he graduated from high school . The books on the shelves are his favorites from growing up so there are books there that he read and re - read from elementary school on through high school . There are pictures of his Benihana birthday celebrations from his middle school years . Pictures of both sets of grandparents . His first set of Mouse Ears from Disney . His trumpet and music . The rocking chair that has been his since before he was born . Now , I 've noticed this before and written about it but it was a few years ago and more about how it 's like he hasn 't really left because his stuff is here . But now what is here is the stuff he 's outgrown . It 's like a giant memory box . Brent and I have decided to stay here until C graduates and finds a job someplace then we will either move downtown or find a place closer to the coast or in the hills . Then we will pack all of his things up and send them to his new place and he will decide what he really wants to keep and what he doesn 't . What bridges his past in to his future . But until that happens he can come home to sleep in the Shrine of C 's Childhood . And I hope that when he does he smiles and feels pride at the awards and the honors that are framed and kept . And I hope he remembers the trip to Disney were he got that set of Mouse Ears . And the trips to Benihana when those photos were taken . And even sitting in that rocking chair silently crying when he heard about his grandfather 's death . So here is a question for all of my artistic friends . Do you ever wish your talent was in another area ? Or that you had more areas you were talented in , for those of you multi - hyphenates ? I can tell a story . I can sit down with you and tell you a story or I can sit here at the computer and write you one , but I know I can tell a story . If I do a good job with the story I am telling I can surprise you . I can make you feel something . I can paint you a picture with my words . But one thing I cannot do is paint you an actual picture . Or sketch you out something that you would recognize . Visual art like that is not my strength . And sometimes that 's very frustrating . Writing books for children would be so much easier if I could illustrate them myself . Kids like pictures you see . Now , I could work with other people , either ones that publisher out there who is going to say yes one of these days hooks me up with or with people I know who I could reach out to . But that 's not the same . I have an idea in my head how I want things to look . How I see them . And once someone else is in charge of the visual it 's not mine anymore . Because no matter how much I describe them , they will be the one who draws them and it will be different . And then there are times like right now . I have a story in my head . It came to me the way a lot of the stories I tell do . Whole and complete and just there . The only problem is this one came as a series of pictures . I have no way of getting these pictures out of my head and on to a piece of paper like I do a written story . And it 's frustrating . So instead I 'm going to tell you the story . Then I am going to describe the pictures for you . And I am going to hope you can " see " what I am showing you . There was a woman walking through the forest . Feeling the sun on her face and the breeze in her hair . She saw a tree that was larger than all of the other trees around it , with a thick trunk and branches full of leaves . She went to the tree and listened to the birds that were making their nests high in the branches . Listened the the squirrels cheeing at her and at each other . She rested her back against the trunk of the tree and wondered what it would be like to be a giant tree in a deep forest . As she thought the tree wrapped its bark and branches around her . She leaned farther against the tree and felt the stillness of the center of tree . Hundreds of years old . Then she closed her eyes and you could no longer tell the woman from the tree . She tilted her head and felt the sun warm her face . She felt the birds start to nest in her hair . The squirrels running up and down her arms . She breathed deeply and slowly feeling the stillness of the tree . And she stayed . The sun warming her face . The breeze cooling her skin . The rain nourishing her . And she stayed . Then one day she opened her eyes and looked out on to the forest . She shook her head and the birds that had built their nests in her hair flew higher in to the tree top . She stretched her arms and the squirrels ran away cheeing their displeasure at her . And she stepped away from the tree . And walked on through the forest . A woman in a wooded area walking up to a large tree . We only see her and the bottom of the tree . It 's much bigger than other trees around her . As she touches the tree you see a wispy branch reaching toward her as well . She leans against the tree and you see the bark ( dark shading ) start to cover her from foot to head in a few frames . As it reaches her head you see her hair spread away from her head like the sun . Then she is stepping out from the tree . She is taking shape out of the shadows , the dark of the tree still holding part of her . Her hair is the last to disentangle from the tree . Can you see it ? And if you could see it without the story I told would it have meant something different to you ? Would you have told your own story ? She had fallen asleep while he was in the shower . Snuggled deep in the tussle of blanket and sheets they had messed up just a few minutes earlier . The lines in her face were smooth . The crease in her forehead and the pucker around her lips that were there when she said , " I suppose you won 't be staying the night " were gone now . Her breathing deep and even . She was lovely but he knew this would probably be the last time he would see her . He had told her at the start that he only had so much to give and she , like the others before her , had said she understood . And she did for awhile . Then the subtle complaints started . Each time his response would be a smile and " You know I can 't . Let 's enjoy what we can have instead of what we don 't . " And that would work for awhile . Until it didn 't any more . He looked at her one last time . She really was lovely but she deserved someone who could love her completely and that wasn 't him . He left a note on the bedside table and quietly left her apartment . In the cab ride to his condo on the other side of town he looked at his watch . The twins would already be in bed by the time he got home . He had called Lindsey earlier and let her know he would be late tonight and to go ahead with dinner and bedtime without him . He wasn 't sure if he heard a small sigh from her end of the line or if he was just imagining it . Tomorrow they would take the boys and Stacey to the museum . Stacey had a report to write on one of the travelling exhibits . He would take the boys in to the Little Explorers area while Lindsey and Stacey looked at the exhibit . Then they would all go to lunch and have a family movie night later . Stacey could write her report on Sunday while he and the boys roughhoused in the living room or maybe went to the park . Lindsey would take the day for herself while he handled all of the household things . He opened the front door as quietly as he could just in case the boys weren 't sleeping soundly yet . He didn 't want to wake them and have them get wound up again . It was almost impossible to get them back to sleep after that and the last time it had happened Lindsey had told him he was on his own getting them settled since he was the one who woke them up . It was fair , but it was still exhausting . Two four year olds with just enough sleep in them to have recharged were more than a match for a 40 year old after a long day at work and then out with a friend . Walking through the living room he picked up a couple of empty glasses to take to the kitchen . Looking at the toys strewn all over the floor he had to smile . When he was a newly married man living in the big city he would scoff at the television sitcoms showing harried families and their disaster area homes . It would never be like that in his family . They would be perfectly behaved children who picked up their toys every night before bed and the house would be pristine . And with Stacey it was easier to keep things mostly clean , but once the boys came along they had given up on pristine and most days slightly tidy seemed like a big win . " Not bad . The twins both got gold stars in Miss Diane 's class today for being excellent helpers and they also both ate all of their vegetables without any negotiating . I am not sure what they are going to ask for tomorrow from the museum gift shop but I have a feeling they are laying the groundwork for something big . Stacey started work on her project tonight . We did some research together on the internet to get started . I don 't remember having this detailed of work to do when I was in the third grade , do you ? " " Oh yes , she is . You know Stacey , she is finding it all interesting and having an excuse to get an extra 45 minutes of computer time was a treat for her . She 's looking forward to the exhibit tomorrow . She asked if she could go through it with both of us . Once with me and then again with you . I told her she could ask you and see . " " Oh no , not at all . She helped with dinner and bath times tonight . Though they are getting to the point where they can handle pretty much everything on their own . Just a quick behind the ears inspection to make sure they used soap . " He stood for a second at his daughter 's door . She was lying in bed reading a book obviously engrossed in the story . Her face changing expression slightly as she read . When she noticed him standing there she put the book down and held out her arms for a hug . " Dad ! You 're home ! I missed you today . Did you hear I helped with the boys tonight ? They were really good today . I have an idea about the museum tomorrow you two could trade off watching the twins and each go through the exhibit with me . That way I can see it once for fun and once to take notes and you both get to see it that way as well . It wouldn 't take much longer because the time for fun would be fast , and the boys love to play in the explorer room so they would be happy to be there . " He started to laugh . Once Stacey got talking you couldn 't slow her down . All of the thoughts in her head would come out as one big rush . Like she was afraid if she didn 't say everything right then she wouldn 't get the chance . " Slow down , Tiger , take a deep breath . I think that 's a good plan . The boys will be fine and you can soak in all there is to see . Now don 't stay up too late , it 's going to be a busy day tomorrow . " He couldn 't say how many times he had heard , " One more chapter then I will go to sleep " One more chapter usually meant reading until I can 't keep my eyes open anymore . Stacey was definitely her mother 's child . Smart , pretty , kind . The boys were him but in duplicate . Action stars in their own heads . Jumping and running and taking everything apart just to see how it works . All three of them were the joys and lights of his life . As he left Stacey 's room he saw Lindsey coming down the hallway for bed . " I thought I 'd make pancakes tomorrow before we left , what do you think ? " " Oh yeah , that 's a good point . Eggs and toast tomorrow I think then . We can plan on breakfast around 8 and getting to the museum when it opens at 10 ? " He bid his nanny goodnight and headed off to his room . Even after three years this was the worst part of his day . The kids were asleep . The details of life were taken care of for one more day . One more day living without his wife . One more day missing her . One more day carrying on like her death hadn 't killed a part of him as well . He climbed in to bed , took the picture from his bedside table and whispered , " I love you . Good night " |
Example - I had a patient a few weeks ago that had an orthopedic operation . I was giving discharge instructions to her and her husband explaining all the do 's and don ' ts . I showed them how to use the ice bag and placed it behind her knee : But I said , as I was placing it behind her knee ; " You can even place it behind her EAR . " Immediately we all started laughing and I said maybe an anatomy course will help ! Now of course , her surgeon is one of my favorites so I had to tell him ! Giving discharge instructions are easy breezy but for some reason that day my words were not coming out right ? ? ? ! ! ! Even though I perceive myself to be a confident woman , I still do not like groups of people looking at me . This may sound strange but in college speech class I shook like a leaf ! I know where this stems from but that feeling is so ingrained in me that it would take major therapy : ) to get past the shakes ! ! Hopefully this will not happen , if it does I know everyone will be there to pick me up ! Please do not let me cry because I do not look good with mascara running down my face ! ! Oh , I will cry . Better take some tissues in case I have raccoon eyes and a runny nose ! ! This will be a new chapter in our lives . I am so excited to meet Dave and all the kids . Can you believe I have five new Grand Children to love and learn about ! When I think about it it is overwhelming , exciting , unbelievable , surreal , absolutely the most wonderful thing that I could ever imagine would happen . It is so ironic the note , from the search angel , came the night before the fifth anniversary of my mother 's death . The only focus today is Erin 's race . This is the first time Erin has competed in an ironman and her family was not there to support her . I know she has all of her race buddies but it is nice to have family there rooting you on ! It is now almost 6pm and we have not been able to track Erin since 2pm and for a mother this is very nerve racking . We worked on the yard , made salsa out of the tomatoes picked from the garden and are now watching a movie . Bill is sleeping , kids are watching the movie and I am stewing . The only communication we have is through Erin 's friend , Matt , who is in Canada . Shortly after 4pm Canada time , Erin was six miles into her run and per Matt looked great ! I will try to calm down and wait it out . . not much else to do . Erin just completed her race in 12 : 39 which was much faster than her other ironman races . I am so proud of her and am glad that she is done and safe . I always worry about her until she is done . I hear she looked great at 13 mile run and I know she finished strong ! I wish I was there to give her a hug and tell her how proud I am of her and how much I love her Erin is an inspiration to all . . with hard work and perseverance your dreams can come true . This is it , only one more week until I meet Wendy and her family . Next week at this time we will all be in Phoenix and the long awaited dream will come true . I am sure we are all nervous , excited , apprehensive , scared , ecstatic and have many other emotions . We will all take a deep breath and let God lead the way ! I am so thankful to Amber for making this part of the journey with me . She will be my Rock as always ! Amber is amazing and is one of the strongest women I know . She has had so many trials in her life but has come through each as a stronger person . Thank you again for being my travel partner . My time to stay with Emma and Jonah officially started yesterday . I worked until three and the most important thing on my mind all day was to remember to go to their house and not to the Condo . Well , that was not hard because Jonah called twice right before I left work ! ! By the time I got to their house , Jonah was watering the garden ( without being asked ) and Emma soon got home from school . Now I had to actually figure out what they wanted for dinner . I called Tiffany , she gave me her recipe and off to the store we went to pick up all the ingredients that were not around the house . . which was most of them : ) . We came home , kids went to the swim pool and I made dinner . Actually , the chili tasted great but needed more salt ( per Jonah , Master Chef in Training ) I am not used to cooking with table salt , only kosher , so I did have some problems with the seasoning . We watched a movie which ended at 8 : 30 then off to bed ! During the night he slept on my head , draped across my neck , curled up by my side and woke me up every hour by kneading my shoulder , back or arm . Because he is an outdoor cat , the pads of his paws are rough and each time he would knead my arm or shoulder it felt like sandpaper ! When he sat on my head I woke up wondering if he had fleas and if he did would they jump into my hair ! ! ! I checked this morning and he does not have fleas . . I don 't think we have fleas in Colorado but I am not sure . . I know we had them in Missouri . Up this morning , made lunches then they were off to school . No , whining , dawdling or fighting . They were smiling and in good moods . Boy was this different from what I remember about my kids ! I think this will be a great week and I will be so sad when the time is over . I want Wendy to know about the new family she will be adding in September . The kids made me a DVD ( Amber did so much work on it ) a few years ago for my birthday and I had hoped to down load the pictures on my IPad to bring to Arizona so she could see the rest of her new family . Darn , I did not realize that you can not download a DVD to my computer , it has to be a CD . Well I have now been trying to duplicate the DVD with pictures I have downloaded in the computer to Wendy 's Album ! I will then sync those pictures to my IPad ! ! Oh My Gosh . . I am learning so many new things ! I want to tell her about her Davis family ! Mom and Dad were married for over 50 years , wish I could say the same ! They were such a beautiful couple , they liked to party and had so many friends over the years . Dad was a salesman for United Metro concrete and later became their VP of sales . Mom was a homemaker except for a couple of years that she worked in a doctor 's office . I was born the day after my Great Grandfather , my dad 's grandpa , died . From what I have been told , he was a very proud Native American of the Chickasaw Tribe . My dad , and his family , spoke the Chickasaw language in their home but my mother always felt uncomfortable with it so we were not taught the language . My mother told me that before my Great grandfather died , he told her that she would have a baby girl ! My dad 's parents were wonderful people and they loved us so much . I always felt my mom was somewhat ashamed of them and this caused a rift between my parents . I will admit that they had a very different lifestyle but we sure had a fun time at their house . There are so many stories to tell but I will wait until I learn to scan their pictures into the computer then I will tell you some wild stories ! My other Grandparents were Eve and Walt Releford . Now , Walt was not grandma 's first husband ( guess the nut does not fall too far from the tree ! ) but he was her last and the best Grandpa a girl could ever have . Together they were such a fun couple , they liked to have dinner parties , they belonged to a Square Dance club and Grandma was a wonderful baker and cook . They were such wonderful people and it broke my heart when Grandpa passed . He would tell such wild stories and I always wondered what was true and what he said just to get a rise out of me . . maybe they were all true ! ! Although my grandparents were very different , I learned a lot from all of them . By their example , I learned to be a good Grandparent . At another time I will go into stories about all of them . . some of my great memories . Boy , are there stories to tell ! ! I hope I am able to complete Wendy 's Album because I want her to to know as much about this side of the family as she can . I only wish I could give her information about her father , but that is not to be . I only remember bits and pieces about the night she was conceived . I wish there was a romantic story and that she could find the peace she deserves , but I know for sure she will Love my family as I do ! I added a Countdown Calendar to my blog and it just did not seem to add up . I think we have 13 days , but the calendar was already on 12 . So , I changed it up a little but the time still isn 't quite right . Actually , I do not think it matters , I just enjoy watching the time tick down ! This will be a very special meeting . Getting to know Wendy and her family is a dream come true . I never , in a million years , thought this would happen to me and I only wish that my family could join me . I hoped the three Colorado Girls would come on this very important trip but the timing was not right . And , as we know , timing is everything . The girls had hoped I would wait until October but I felt I did not want to wait another minute because to me this will be a full circle event . I am so grateful that Amber will be joining me . I gave birth to Wendy and gave her up for adoption on September 7 , 1968 . I will meet her and her family on September 4 , 2010 . There has been a life time of birthdays and holidays I was unable to share with her . I did not get to see her walk her first steps or hear her babble her first words . I missed her first days of school and her graduation . I did not get to hear her tales of fun weekends or hear her feelings about the Man she would marry . I was not at her wedding or there for the births of her children . I have so much to learn about all of these times . I hope my Girls can understand my need to go in September . I would love Tiffany and Erin to be there but I know it is not possible . I so enjoy being a mother to them and their brothers and we have so many great memories . I was there for all the milestones in their lives and I was there to pick them up when they fell . Always remember , I am still here and I love all of you more than I can express . You are all a gift from God and I am thrilled , and blessed , to be adding Wendy and her family to our family . Last night I was going through some of the many pictures we had loaded on the computer . I came across several pictures from my mothers funeral , among the pictures was one of the Red Bird . Now for those who do not know the story of the Red Bird , I will try to make a long story short . Bill and I traveled to Camp Verde , Arizona to visit my mother , grandmother , brother and his family . It had been seven months since Dad had passed and Mom wanted us to get some of Grandma 's belongings out of a storage shed . At that time , Grandma was living in an assisted living home and had dementia . We were having a wonderful visit , probably the best time I had with Mom in a long time . We laughed , visited and reconnected as a family . One day we were visiting at Kevin and Debbie 's house going through , and dividing , Grandma 's jewelry among all the girls . We were all in their living room having a great time when a Red Bird started flying towards the window . This bird was hovering at the window , he appeared to be looking in at us . . trying to get in . He would fly back to a tree then come back to the window and just flap his wings right in front of the window . This was the most bizarre thing I have ever seen . We all kept watching the bird as it continued to look in the window . Now , this did not happen over a few minutes . . it went on and on . . never hitting the window just looking through the glass . At the time , I had a very nervous feeling not knowing what to think of this bird . In fact , to this day , when I think of the bird I get a very strong pit in my gut . This bird acted like it wanted to tell us something and it was really giving Debbie and I the creeps ! The bird ended up resting on the side mirror of Kevin 's truck . This bird stayed at the house the entire day . The next morning it was gone . Two days later we were on our way back to Colorado . We were driving through Santa Fe , New Mexico when my cell phone rang . . it was Kevin . . my mother had just been killed in a car accident . Maybe this bird was trying to warn us . Several months ago she and her brother , Mace , were sitting on the back porch of her home in Texas . She told me that Mace had stopped by around lunch time and they were sitting outside having a glass of tea watching the little ones play . Mace was sitting facing the yard , looked up into the tree and saw a Red Bird ! He told Debbie to look at the bird and ( per her words ) she started freaking out . Mace did not know the story behind the Red Bird so Debbie explained what had happened a few days before Mom 's death . After telling the story Mace said " I am going to die , I will probably leave here and get into an accident on my motorcycle . " Debbie told him to quit talking like that and she didn 't want to talk about the bird anymore . Hours later , Mace had a massive stroke . Mace was a very strong man and hung on for three months . During this very difficult time , Debbie went to the hospital on a daily basis to sit with her brother . She told me she was driving to the hospital one day when , again , she saw a Red Bird ! The bird was flying right above the windshield of her truck . Mace passed about a week later . I really enjoyed getting to know Mace during our visit to Texas . He was such a fun loving guy and reminded me so much of Dad . . a drink in his hand and a story to tell ! I don 't know what the Red Bird means in our lives . Debbie and I wonder if it was Dad , her dad or an angel warning us that we will need to be strong ? Red is the color of strength . Posted by I remember knitting for hours on end , day after day not knowing exactly where I was going with the yarn . My Grandmother gave me a pattern and each night she would check my progress looking for dropped stitches . If I made a mistake she would have me rip to that point then continue with the pattern . My tension of the yarn was not the same throughout the piece , which gave it a rippled effect , but I felt a sense of pride and accomplishment as I learned this new skill . I think she was also teaching me a life lesson . . Dropped stitches are not the end of the world , with a little work you can continue on . I will always remember the night my water broke . We were watching TV , I needed to use the bathroom and It Happened . . a gush of fluid . Oh my goodness , now what was I supposed to do . When I went back to the living room my Grandmother asked me what was the matter . She could tell by the look on my face that something was wrong , when I told her she decided to take me to the hospital . We all piled into the car and away we went ! When we arrived at the hospital I was rushed into an examining room . . Yes , my water had broke but I was not in labor . . I had to stay at the hospital but they sent my grandparents home . There I was a sixteen year old girl , alone , not knowing what was going to happen next . I do not know what time the labor started but when it did it was quite a shock ! From here on end it is very fuzzy , I am sure they kept me drugged . I can remember the pain , calling out for my Mom , and then being taken to the delivery room . The doctor kept telling me to push . . PUSH WHAT my mind was screaming . Suddenly , I felt total relief and I heard a baby crying . The nurse had my baby on a counter , or a table , to the left of me . . the baby was crying , I was trying to see but all I saw was kicking legs ! Then I had a glimpse of a sweet little head . " Is she all right ? " The doctor said she was fine and told me that I was not supposed to look at her . That was it . . No LOOKING , No HOLDING . . NOTHING . I felt as though my heart was being ripped out of my body ! My mother was notified of the birth and she came to Show Low . She and my Grandmother visited me in the hospital . . I know they saw my baby . . they never said they did but I know in my heart . I was to stay in my room except for going down the hall to the bathroom . I felt so alone . I do not remember how long I stayed in the hospital but I do remember those first few days back home . My days were OK . . I tried to keep busy . . but the nights were awful . I would try to sleep but I could not quit crying . I worried that my baby would not know why I had to give her up , that she would feel I did not love her . I ached that I could not hold her or kiss that sweet little head . I had many long , sleepless nights . I vividly recall looking at the stars through my bedroom window , crying to God to please let my baby know that I loved her ! My Grandmother tried to assure me that the couple that adopted my baby were very nice and would give her the life she deserved . At that time , I did not want to hear those words , I knew I could not take care of a baby but I did not want to hear about the adoptive parents . I WANTED MY BABY ! As time went by , and the hormones evened out , I knew Deanna was where she needed to be . I loved her but would not be able to care for her . I did not have the maturity to care for a baby on my own and I had to trust everything my Grandmother told me about the adoptive parents . Back to the knitting . I completed the project before I returned to Phoenix . I had made a sweater for my mother . I left the knitted pieces behind for my Grandmother to stitch together , it was not perfect but my Grandparents were so proud of my effort . I could not believe it , me . . Shawn , had made a sweater ! I needed a sense of accomplishment at that time . When my Grandparents came for Christmas , they brought the sweater , wrapped and ready to give to my mother . She opened the present and seemed pleased but she never wore the sweater . When I left off yesterday , I was living in the White Mountains of Arizona with my Grandparents . This was a very peaceful time . My Grandmother taught me to knit so I spent my days knitting and watching TV . Also , I had friends who were stationed in Viet Nam so I baked cookies , made fudge and sent care Packages to them . Now for the hard part . Like I said before , being a pregnant teenager in the 60 's was kept hush hushed . Girls were sent away to special schools to keep the SECRET . My mother , and grandmother , concocted so many lies to keep the SECRET that I had a hard time keeping track of them . stationed in Viet Nam . 4 . I kept the secret about the NIGHT - - my Dad had a very bad temper if someone crossed his family - He might have gone on a manhunt ! Oh what a tangled web . Here is the most amazing thing . . my brother , Kevin , never knew I had a baby until Wendy came into my life . He wanted to know if I have any other skeletons in my closet ! Actually , he and Debbie , my sister - in - law , have been very supportive . Hopefully , Wendy and The Davis Clan will be able to meet soon . I had told my daughters years ago that I had a baby when I was sixteen . When I told them about the Search Angel , they were surprised , loving and very supportive too . I can not answer for the three girls , but I am sure they have gone through many emotions . I know for myself , this has lifted a huge weight from my shoulders . I did not realize the magnitude of the guilt and sorrow I have held for all these years ! I wondered if my baby was OK , if she had a good life , if she was loved and treated well . Now these questions have been answered . With the answers , I have found an inner peace . I will soon be going to Phoenix to meet my daughter , Wendy , and her family . Since Memorial Day weekend , when I received a message from the Search Angel that my birth daughter was looking for me , my life has been an exciting roller coaster . Forty two years ago I was sixteen and pregnant . Now , back in those days nobody talked about teenage pregnancy , girls did not go to school pregnant . Back then there were homes for Unwed Mothers . . how different it is today . I was sent away to my Grandparents house to continue my pregnancy , deliver the baby , then the baby would go up for adoption . . no ifs ands or buts . I did not have any say in what would happen to the dear baby that I had dreamt about for so many months . I had planned out where a crib would go in my bedroom , I would get a part time job to help support the baby and take correspondence school courses at home . Well , none of that would ever happen because when my Mother found out the first words out of her mouth were " What will the neighbors think " and the second was " You will give the baby up for adoption . . I will not help raise a baby " . It is amazing to me that some of my memories are cloudy but those words from my mother I will never forget . I will not fault my Mother . . it is just the way it was . Off I went to Show Low , Arizona to spend the rest of my pregnancy with my Grandparents . I loved them so much and always felt total , unconditional love from them . I felt so bad that I had disappointed them but they never made me feel unloved , their support was amazing . Between them and my Aunt and Uncle I felt the love that I did not feel at home . OK , I had this bright idea that I would give the kitties a bath . I had been thinking about it for a while , they have been shedding and I thought it would get rid of some of the loose hair . I was at the grocery store today and on a special pet display . . . . there it was . . . . . . one , lonely bottle of Cat Shampoo ! It was fate . . I had to buy the shampoo ! After putting the groceries away , I picked out my first victim . . Cecil . , Cecil . a 6 1 / 2 pound Burmese , is my sweet little guy with a beautiful , sleek coat that looks like Mink . I warmed the water . put a mat in the sink , and slowly got my little guy wet . He protested , with some pretty loud MEOWS , while I was lathering him up but I tried to massage him so he would calm down . He was extremely tolerant until I started to rinse him off with the sprayer . . then . . all Hell broke loose . He kept jumping up on me trying to get on my shoulder , he never scratched but I was definitely wetter than he was ! I knew I had to get all the shampoo out or it might irritate his skin so this was a battle I had to WIN . I tried to hold him by the scuff of the neck but was having a hard time holding him and the sprayer and I sprayed myself right in the face . Me and my bright ideas ! By the time the shampoo was rinsed , we were both soaked . I got a towel and started drying my little drowned rat ! Oh my gosh , what had I done . . his hair was curly ! I kept drying with the towel but the more I dried the curlier it got ! I took him to the bathroom , plugged in the hair dryer and went to work . He really did not like this and the Meows turned to screatches ! Back to the towel drying . now the curls were going away but the hairs were standing straight out like he had put his paw in a light socket ! I tried to comb his hair but it was not smooth like had been before the shampoo . Had I ruined that beautiful silky coat ? I called Bill and told him I had ruined the Kittie . Bill is so logical and said that the shampoo had washed the oil out of his hair and that is why it did not look silky . My next thought was to rub some Olive Oil in his coat but Bill said " NO . . just wait a week and it will look like it used to " . Well , I hope so . . time will tell ! Each summer I enjoy extra time with my grand children . This started several years ago when my kids were trying to figure out day care for their children during the summer months . At that time , I offered to have the little ones when I got off work on Wednesday nights through Thursday afternoon . Over the years , the schedule has changed to accommodate those that needed a sitter but the one thing that has not changed is ; during the summer I have set days with my little angels and we all look forward to our time together . Of course , when the children were younger it was a lot harder watching them in the pool and taking them places , but as they have gotten older it is so much easier to just load them in the car and away we go ! Thank goodness , we do not have anymore car seats . When I have little Sarah , who is four and still needs a booster , I have too many kids to get in my car so we stay at the house and swim in the pool . One of the most wonderful things about having the grand kiddos is the one - on - one time that you do not get when their parents are around . I can not monetarily spoil them , but hopefully , when they are adults , they will have many memories of times with Nana . I only wish I would have know about the blogging when they were younger because so many funny things happened and because I did not write things down I do not remember everything only bits and pieces . Well , better late than never . Now is the time to jot down what we have done this summer and even though this is in my blog it will be a journal for the grand kids to read . It is now the middle of July and we only have one more month before the kids go back to school . Everyone has enjoyed fun days at the pool , we went to the movies and had a field trip to Hammond 's Candy Factory . KIDS IN A CANDY STORE ! ! ! ! Last night Erin brought over the first batch of kids . . Jonah , Jaycie , Evan and Daylee . Shawn soon followed with Ryan and Sarah , then I picked up Emma from dancing at 8 PM . The kids were great , they were all laughing and getting along well . We had sloppy joe 's and tater tots for dinner followed by Popsicle 's for dessert . Knowing these kids eat frequently , especially Little Miss Sarah , I decided to cut up apples in wedges , put them in baggies ( one baggie for each child ) and sprinkle cinnamon on the slices . I then stuck them in fridge for them to have as a late night snack . Yes , late night is the right word . . as some were still awake at 1 AM . They played , laughed and watched Shrek 2 before finally falling asleep . Jonah had said he wanted to go on a run with me so around 7 AM I tried to wake him up . Believe me , he was having no part of the waking up ! WE having been planning this run for several weeks and either he forgot his running shoes or there was some other excuse ! Sometime this summer I am going to get him on the running path . . even though I know he will put me to shame Since I had all seven kids we had to stay around the Condo and swim in the pool . What a great time they had jumping in to their rings and having races ! They even played ring toss Unfortunately , some of the other kids in the pool used their rings and surf board and we ended up with holes in most of them . That was easy , off to Wallmart where we picked up some new pool toys at a wonderful price . I love end of summer sales ! The kids have a great time getting ready for bed at Nana 's house . They move the coffee table and throw quilts and blankets on the floor , then curl up and watch movies until they fall asleep . . Ok , maybe they don 't curl up right away ! Jonah was not able to join us this week because he was playing in a Golf Tournament . The good news is that he took 5th place ! Erin brought Jaycie , Evan and Daylee over and I would pick up Emma from dance lessons at 8 pm . While waiting for Emma , the three decided to have a puppet show , Tiffany had made the stage using curtain rods which fit perfectly between my dinning room and the hallway . The show was great , the lines were so funny that I could not quit laughing . . Jaycie was trying to film for UTUBE and my laughing was drowning out the sound of the play . This is their puppet stage that Tiffany made . At eight I picked up Emma and we had spaghetti , Daylee 's request , for dinner then we watched So You Think You Can Dance . This program has become one of our favorites . . . I can see Emma on the program in 10 years ! The next day Jaycie and I went to pick up Ryan and Sarah and it was off to the pool for another fun day . Time is flying and the summer is drawing to an end . Daylee has started volleyball and Evan 's football practice is on Wednesday nights . . those two are the first to leave Nana 's Wednesday Nights . We miss them but we know that it is almost time for school to start and we only have a few more weeks left . Oh , by the way , Evan made Quarterback for his team ! Amber dropped Emma , Jonah and Jaycie off at the Surgery Center which saved her about 30min in driving time . I had some work to finish and by the time we were ready to leave a big rain storm started . It looked like a hurricane , the wind was blowing sideways and the rain was coming down in sheets ! I wanted to wait it out but the kids wanted to make a run for the car . . Guess Who Won ! By the time we got to the car , we were all soaked , cold and laughing . Emma turned the heater up in the car and away we went . We had only driven a few miles when it started to clear up , the sun came out and the clouds cleared . Go figure that is Colorado weather . Jaycie 's Birthday is August 7th so I decided to celebrate with her on the 5th . I had bought ingredients to make vanilla cupcakes with whip cream and strawberry frosting . After breakfast the girls decided they wanted to make the cupcakes before we went out to the pool . After Jonah lifted this huge boulder , we spent the rest of our time together at the pool . The kids love to have their pictures taken . Emma with one of the pool toys from Wallmart . Summer is now drawing to an end and I will miss these special times . It has been so much fun watching , and listening to these seven wonderful young souls . They have laughed , cried , fought , made up , . . . . . They amaze me with their insight , their knowledge about science ( just have a talk with Evan ) , their compassion for all living creatures ( all of them ) , their thoughts on social or political views ( Jaycie and Jonah ) , their creativity ( Daylee ) and their love for the arts ( Emma , who 's progress in dancing is outstanding ) , for her beautiful red hair and sweet disposition ( Miss Sarah ) and for reminding me most of his parent ( Ryan , you are the spitting image of your Dad ) . I love all of you and am so lucky to be your NANA . I hope we have many more fun days in the sun ! I tried something new I ran across and I decided to put it up and get some honest opinions . It 's pretty fun . You make a video out of your blog posts . Hello everyone . We interrupt this Mancat Monday to ask for purrs , prayers and power of the paw for all of us please . Thanks , we could use them . I menti . . . Yum , this ice cream cone is tasty ! Oh , I didn 't see you there . I do love my new ice cream cone . I 'll bet you wanna know how I got . . . Hi all it 's Cody ! ! Today is a two - fer ! ! First , I am happy to be pawticipating in Summer 's annual * Cat World Domination Day * Summer is having a special g . . . Welcome to the Wednesday Hodgepodge ! Who 's ready for summer ? If you 've answered this week 's questions add your link at the end of my post , and then go say . . . Two weeks ago : " Oh my God ! " I exclaimed as I grabbed my head in my hands . " I have so much to do and I don 't even know where to start . " I started to nervous . . . Below are a couple of pieces of my colouring , I do this for relaxation only . I 'm really pleased with the results . These are from a colouring book by Johan . . . * This post is sponsored by Nestlé Purina . I received compensation , but all opinions are my own . Catladyland only shares information we think would be of i . . . Hello ! ! ! Gosh darn it I did it again ! Here we are 19 months after my last post ! ! I said I was going to post more often and I can 't believe that much tim . . . Ah , yes . The garden is really coming along . We have been blessed with an abundance of summer squash , cucumbers , and finally , tomatoes . There 's been some gr . . . Purrs friends ! It has been ages since we have blogged and we wanted to update everyone on what we have been up to . Our humans quit their jobs ( well , our no . . . Ok , so it 's been a LOOOONG time since I posted anything on this blog . In fact , I had sort of forgotten about it . Lately , it 's come back to mind as I have . . . Well , I finally did it . I have wanted to do something different with the cabinets since we moved in . The thing that was stopping me was Mr . Jones and hi . . . I hate Diabetes ! There . I wrote it . Do I feel better ? No . I will only feel better when there is a cure for this terrible disease and hopefully during my li . . . Our mom promised us dat her would never keeps us away from all of you fur a long time ever again but GUESS WHAT ? ! ? ! Her did it anyways ! H . . . * First posted in October 2010 * . This what happened to my debut novel , * Mini Skirts and Laughter Lines * after I completed it . See post at new blog www . facin . . . So I haven 't been on the blog for quite sometime as you all may have noticed . So I will try to update in as little words as possible . I went to Chicago . . . To close out this blog and start anew . I have combined both my blogs into this blog . I tried wordpress and it was beyond me so I just did what I do best . . . To close out this blog and start anew . I have combined both my blogs into this blog . I tried wordpress and it was beyond me so I just did what I do best . . . But I am what my mood dictates me to be . Today was a ' skinny ' day , let 's shop ! I found not one but TWO pairs of jeans . After WEEKS of looking , trying on . . . |
Example - I had a patient a few weeks ago that had an orthopedic operation . I was giving discharge instructions to her and her husband explaining all the do 's and don ' ts . I showed them how to use the ice bag and placed it behind her knee : But I said , as I was placing it behind her knee ; " You can even place it behind her EAR . " Immediately we all started laughing and I said maybe an anatomy course will help ! Now of course , her surgeon is one of my favorites so I had to tell him ! Giving discharge instructions are easy breezy but for some reason that day my words were not coming out right ? ? ? ! ! ! Even though I perceive myself to be a confident woman , I still do not like groups of people looking at me . This may sound strange but in college speech class I shook like a leaf ! I know where this stems from but that feeling is so ingrained in me that it would take major therapy : ) to get past the shakes ! ! Hopefully this will not happen , if it does I know everyone will be there to pick me up ! Please do not let me cry because I do not look good with mascara running down my face ! ! Oh , I will cry . Better take some tissues in case I have raccoon eyes and a runny nose ! ! This will be a new chapter in our lives . I am so excited to meet Dave and all the kids . Can you believe I have five new Grand Children to love and learn about ! When I think about it it is overwhelming , exciting , unbelievable , surreal , absolutely the most wonderful thing that I could ever imagine would happen . It is so ironic the note , from the search angel , came the night before the fifth anniversary of my mother 's death . The only focus today is Erin 's race . This is the first time Erin has competed in an ironman and her family was not there to support her . I know she has all of her race buddies but it is nice to have family there rooting you on ! It is now almost 6pm and we have not been able to track Erin since 2pm and for a mother this is very nerve racking . We worked on the yard , made salsa out of the tomatoes picked from the garden and are now watching a movie . Bill is sleeping , kids are watching the movie and I am stewing . The only communication we have is through Erin 's friend , Matt , who is in Canada . Shortly after 4pm Canada time , Erin was six miles into her run and per Matt looked great ! I will try to calm down and wait it out . . not much else to do . Erin just completed her race in 12 : 39 which was much faster than her other ironman races . I am so proud of her and am glad that she is done and safe . I always worry about her until she is done . I hear she looked great at 13 mile run and I know she finished strong ! I wish I was there to give her a hug and tell her how proud I am of her and how much I love her Erin is an inspiration to all . . with hard work and perseverance your dreams can come true . This is it , only one more week until I meet Wendy and her family . Next week at this time we will all be in Phoenix and the long awaited dream will come true . I am sure we are all nervous , excited , apprehensive , scared , ecstatic and have many other emotions . We will all take a deep breath and let God lead the way ! I am so thankful to Amber for making this part of the journey with me . She will be my Rock as always ! Amber is amazing and is one of the strongest women I know . She has had so many trials in her life but has come through each as a stronger person . Thank you again for being my travel partner . My time to stay with Emma and Jonah officially started yesterday . I worked until three and the most important thing on my mind all day was to remember to go to their house and not to the Condo . Well , that was not hard because Jonah called twice right before I left work ! ! By the time I got to their house , Jonah was watering the garden ( without being asked ) and Emma soon got home from school . Now I had to actually figure out what they wanted for dinner . I called Tiffany , she gave me her recipe and off to the store we went to pick up all the ingredients that were not around the house . . which was most of them : ) . We came home , kids went to the swim pool and I made dinner . Actually , the chili tasted great but needed more salt ( per Jonah , Master Chef in Training ) I am not used to cooking with table salt , only kosher , so I did have some problems with the seasoning . We watched a movie which ended at 8 : 30 then off to bed ! During the night he slept on my head , draped across my neck , curled up by my side and woke me up every hour by kneading my shoulder , back or arm . Because he is an outdoor cat , the pads of his paws are rough and each time he would knead my arm or shoulder it felt like sandpaper ! When he sat on my head I woke up wondering if he had fleas and if he did would they jump into my hair ! ! ! I checked this morning and he does not have fleas . . I don 't think we have fleas in Colorado but I am not sure . . I know we had them in Missouri . Up this morning , made lunches then they were off to school . No , whining , dawdling or fighting . They were smiling and in good moods . Boy was this different from what I remember about my kids ! I think this will be a great week and I will be so sad when the time is over . I want Wendy to know about the new family she will be adding in September . The kids made me a DVD ( Amber did so much work on it ) a few years ago for my birthday and I had hoped to down load the pictures on my IPad to bring to Arizona so she could see the rest of her new family . Darn , I did not realize that you can not download a DVD to my computer , it has to be a CD . Well I have now been trying to duplicate the DVD with pictures I have downloaded in the computer to Wendy 's Album ! I will then sync those pictures to my IPad ! ! Oh My Gosh . . I am learning so many new things ! I want to tell her about her Davis family ! Mom and Dad were married for over 50 years , wish I could say the same ! They were such a beautiful couple , they liked to party and had so many friends over the years . Dad was a salesman for United Metro concrete and later became their VP of sales . Mom was a homemaker except for a couple of years that she worked in a doctor 's office . I was born the day after my Great Grandfather , my dad 's grandpa , died . From what I have been told , he was a very proud Native American of the Chickasaw Tribe . My dad , and his family , spoke the Chickasaw language in their home but my mother always felt uncomfortable with it so we were not taught the language . My mother told me that before my Great grandfather died , he told her that she would have a baby girl ! My dad 's parents were wonderful people and they loved us so much . I always felt my mom was somewhat ashamed of them and this caused a rift between my parents . I will admit that they had a very different lifestyle but we sure had a fun time at their house . There are so many stories to tell but I will wait until I learn to scan their pictures into the computer then I will tell you some wild stories ! My other Grandparents were Eve and Walt Releford . Now , Walt was not grandma 's first husband ( guess the nut does not fall too far from the tree ! ) but he was her last and the best Grandpa a girl could ever have . Together they were such a fun couple , they liked to have dinner parties , they belonged to a Square Dance club and Grandma was a wonderful baker and cook . They were such wonderful people and it broke my heart when Grandpa passed . He would tell such wild stories and I always wondered what was true and what he said just to get a rise out of me . . maybe they were all true ! ! Although my grandparents were very different , I learned a lot from all of them . By their example , I learned to be a good Grandparent . At another time I will go into stories about all of them . . some of my great memories . Boy , are there stories to tell ! ! I hope I am able to complete Wendy 's Album because I want her to to know as much about this side of the family as she can . I only wish I could give her information about her father , but that is not to be . I only remember bits and pieces about the night she was conceived . I wish there was a romantic story and that she could find the peace she deserves , but I know for sure she will Love my family as I do ! I added a Countdown Calendar to my blog and it just did not seem to add up . I think we have 13 days , but the calendar was already on 12 . So , I changed it up a little but the time still isn 't quite right . Actually , I do not think it matters , I just enjoy watching the time tick down ! This will be a very special meeting . Getting to know Wendy and her family is a dream come true . I never , in a million years , thought this would happen to me and I only wish that my family could join me . I hoped the three Colorado Girls would come on this very important trip but the timing was not right . And , as we know , timing is everything . The girls had hoped I would wait until October but I felt I did not want to wait another minute because to me this will be a full circle event . I am so grateful that Amber will be joining me . I gave birth to Wendy and gave her up for adoption on September 7 , 1968 . I will meet her and her family on September 4 , 2010 . There has been a life time of birthdays and holidays I was unable to share with her . I did not get to see her walk her first steps or hear her babble her first words . I missed her first days of school and her graduation . I did not get to hear her tales of fun weekends or hear her feelings about the Man she would marry . I was not at her wedding or there for the births of her children . I have so much to learn about all of these times . I hope my Girls can understand my need to go in September . I would love Tiffany and Erin to be there but I know it is not possible . I so enjoy being a mother to them and their brothers and we have so many great memories . I was there for all the milestones in their lives and I was there to pick them up when they fell . Always remember , I am still here and I love all of you more than I can express . You are all a gift from God and I am thrilled , and blessed , to be adding Wendy and her family to our family . Last night I was going through some of the many pictures we had loaded on the computer . I came across several pictures from my mothers funeral , among the pictures was one of the Red Bird . Now for those who do not know the story of the Red Bird , I will try to make a long story short . Bill and I traveled to Camp Verde , Arizona to visit my mother , grandmother , brother and his family . It had been seven months since Dad had passed and Mom wanted us to get some of Grandma 's belongings out of a storage shed . At that time , Grandma was living in an assisted living home and had dementia . We were having a wonderful visit , probably the best time I had with Mom in a long time . We laughed , visited and reconnected as a family . One day we were visiting at Kevin and Debbie 's house going through , and dividing , Grandma 's jewelry among all the girls . We were all in their living room having a great time when a Red Bird started flying towards the window . This bird was hovering at the window , he appeared to be looking in at us . . trying to get in . He would fly back to a tree then come back to the window and just flap his wings right in front of the window . This was the most bizarre thing I have ever seen . We all kept watching the bird as it continued to look in the window . Now , this did not happen over a few minutes . . it went on and on . . never hitting the window just looking through the glass . At the time , I had a very nervous feeling not knowing what to think of this bird . In fact , to this day , when I think of the bird I get a very strong pit in my gut . This bird acted like it wanted to tell us something and it was really giving Debbie and I the creeps ! The bird ended up resting on the side mirror of Kevin 's truck . This bird stayed at the house the entire day . The next morning it was gone . Two days later we were on our way back to Colorado . We were driving through Santa Fe , New Mexico when my cell phone rang . . it was Kevin . . my mother had just been killed in a car accident . Maybe this bird was trying to warn us . Several months ago she and her brother , Mace , were sitting on the back porch of her home in Texas . She told me that Mace had stopped by around lunch time and they were sitting outside having a glass of tea watching the little ones play . Mace was sitting facing the yard , looked up into the tree and saw a Red Bird ! He told Debbie to look at the bird and ( per her words ) she started freaking out . Mace did not know the story behind the Red Bird so Debbie explained what had happened a few days before Mom 's death . After telling the story Mace said " I am going to die , I will probably leave here and get into an accident on my motorcycle . " Debbie told him to quit talking like that and she didn 't want to talk about the bird anymore . Hours later , Mace had a massive stroke . Mace was a very strong man and hung on for three months . During this very difficult time , Debbie went to the hospital on a daily basis to sit with her brother . She told me she was driving to the hospital one day when , again , she saw a Red Bird ! The bird was flying right above the windshield of her truck . Mace passed about a week later . I really enjoyed getting to know Mace during our visit to Texas . He was such a fun loving guy and reminded me so much of Dad . . a drink in his hand and a story to tell ! I don 't know what the Red Bird means in our lives . Debbie and I wonder if it was Dad , her dad or an angel warning us that we will need to be strong ? Red is the color of strength . Posted by I remember knitting for hours on end , day after day not knowing exactly where I was going with the yarn . My Grandmother gave me a pattern and each night she would check my progress looking for dropped stitches . If I made a mistake she would have me rip to that point then continue with the pattern . My tension of the yarn was not the same throughout the piece , which gave it a rippled effect , but I felt a sense of pride and accomplishment as I learned this new skill . I think she was also teaching me a life lesson . . Dropped stitches are not the end of the world , with a little work you can continue on . I will always remember the night my water broke . We were watching TV , I needed to use the bathroom and It Happened . . a gush of fluid . Oh my goodness , now what was I supposed to do . When I went back to the living room my Grandmother asked me what was the matter . She could tell by the look on my face that something was wrong , when I told her she decided to take me to the hospital . We all piled into the car and away we went ! When we arrived at the hospital I was rushed into an examining room . . Yes , my water had broke but I was not in labor . . I had to stay at the hospital but they sent my grandparents home . There I was a sixteen year old girl , alone , not knowing what was going to happen next . I do not know what time the labor started but when it did it was quite a shock ! From here on end it is very fuzzy , I am sure they kept me drugged . I can remember the pain , calling out for my Mom , and then being taken to the delivery room . The doctor kept telling me to push . . PUSH WHAT my mind was screaming . Suddenly , I felt total relief and I heard a baby crying . The nurse had my baby on a counter , or a table , to the left of me . . the baby was crying , I was trying to see but all I saw was kicking legs ! Then I had a glimpse of a sweet little head . " Is she all right ? " The doctor said she was fine and told me that I was not supposed to look at her . That was it . . No LOOKING , No HOLDING . . NOTHING . I felt as though my heart was being ripped out of my body ! My mother was notified of the birth and she came to Show Low . She and my Grandmother visited me in the hospital . . I know they saw my baby . . they never said they did but I know in my heart . I was to stay in my room except for going down the hall to the bathroom . I felt so alone . I do not remember how long I stayed in the hospital but I do remember those first few days back home . My days were OK . . I tried to keep busy . . but the nights were awful . I would try to sleep but I could not quit crying . I worried that my baby would not know why I had to give her up , that she would feel I did not love her . I ached that I could not hold her or kiss that sweet little head . I had many long , sleepless nights . I vividly recall looking at the stars through my bedroom window , crying to God to please let my baby know that I loved her ! My Grandmother tried to assure me that the couple that adopted my baby were very nice and would give her the life she deserved . At that time , I did not want to hear those words , I knew I could not take care of a baby but I did not want to hear about the adoptive parents . I WANTED MY BABY ! As time went by , and the hormones evened out , I knew Deanna was where she needed to be . I loved her but would not be able to care for her . I did not have the maturity to care for a baby on my own and I had to trust everything my Grandmother told me about the adoptive parents . Back to the knitting . I completed the project before I returned to Phoenix . I had made a sweater for my mother . I left the knitted pieces behind for my Grandmother to stitch together , it was not perfect but my Grandparents were so proud of my effort . I could not believe it , me . . Shawn , had made a sweater ! I needed a sense of accomplishment at that time . When my Grandparents came for Christmas , they brought the sweater , wrapped and ready to give to my mother . She opened the present and seemed pleased but she never wore the sweater . When I left off yesterday , I was living in the White Mountains of Arizona with my Grandparents . This was a very peaceful time . My Grandmother taught me to knit so I spent my days knitting and watching TV . Also , I had friends who were stationed in Viet Nam so I baked cookies , made fudge and sent care Packages to them . Now for the hard part . Like I said before , being a pregnant teenager in the 60 's was kept hush hushed . Girls were sent away to special schools to keep the SECRET . My mother , and grandmother , concocted so many lies to keep the SECRET that I had a hard time keeping track of them . stationed in Viet Nam . 4 . I kept the secret about the NIGHT - - my Dad had a very bad temper if someone crossed his family - He might have gone on a manhunt ! Oh what a tangled web . Here is the most amazing thing . . my brother , Kevin , never knew I had a baby until Wendy came into my life . He wanted to know if I have any other skeletons in my closet ! Actually , he and Debbie , my sister - in - law , have been very supportive . Hopefully , Wendy and The Davis Clan will be able to meet soon . I had told my daughters years ago that I had a baby when I was sixteen . When I told them about the Search Angel , they were surprised , loving and very supportive too . I can not answer for the three girls , but I am sure they have gone through many emotions . I know for myself , this has lifted a huge weight from my shoulders . I did not realize the magnitude of the guilt and sorrow I have held for all these years ! I wondered if my baby was OK , if she had a good life , if she was loved and treated well . Now these questions have been answered . With the answers , I have found an inner peace . I will soon be going to Phoenix to meet my daughter , Wendy , and her family . Since Memorial Day weekend , when I received a message from the Search Angel that my birth daughter was looking for me , my life has been an exciting roller coaster . Forty two years ago I was sixteen and pregnant . Now , back in those days nobody talked about teenage pregnancy , girls did not go to school pregnant . Back then there were homes for Unwed Mothers . . how different it is today . I was sent away to my Grandparents house to continue my pregnancy , deliver the baby , then the baby would go up for adoption . . no ifs ands or buts . I did not have any say in what would happen to the dear baby that I had dreamt about for so many months . I had planned out where a crib would go in my bedroom , I would get a part time job to help support the baby and take correspondence school courses at home . Well , none of that would ever happen because when my Mother found out the first words out of her mouth were " What will the neighbors think " and the second was " You will give the baby up for adoption . . I will not help raise a baby " . It is amazing to me that some of my memories are cloudy but those words from my mother I will never forget . I will not fault my Mother . . it is just the way it was . Off I went to Show Low , Arizona to spend the rest of my pregnancy with my Grandparents . I loved them so much and always felt total , unconditional love from them . I felt so bad that I had disappointed them but they never made me feel unloved , their support was amazing . Between them and my Aunt and Uncle I felt the love that I did not feel at home . OK , I had this bright idea that I would give the kitties a bath . I had been thinking about it for a while , they have been shedding and I thought it would get rid of some of the loose hair . I was at the grocery store today and on a special pet display . . . . there it was . . . . . . one , lonely bottle of Cat Shampoo ! It was fate . . I had to buy the shampoo ! After putting the groceries away , I picked out my first victim . . Cecil . , Cecil . a 6 1 / 2 pound Burmese , is my sweet little guy with a beautiful , sleek coat that looks like Mink . I warmed the water . put a mat in the sink , and slowly got my little guy wet . He protested , with some pretty loud MEOWS , while I was lathering him up but I tried to massage him so he would calm down . He was extremely tolerant until I started to rinse him off with the sprayer . . then . . all Hell broke loose . He kept jumping up on me trying to get on my shoulder , he never scratched but I was definitely wetter than he was ! I knew I had to get all the shampoo out or it might irritate his skin so this was a battle I had to WIN . I tried to hold him by the scuff of the neck but was having a hard time holding him and the sprayer and I sprayed myself right in the face . Me and my bright ideas ! By the time the shampoo was rinsed , we were both soaked . I got a towel and started drying my little drowned rat ! Oh my gosh , what had I done . . his hair was curly ! I kept drying with the towel but the more I dried the curlier it got ! I took him to the bathroom , plugged in the hair dryer and went to work . He really did not like this and the Meows turned to screatches ! Back to the towel drying . now the curls were going away but the hairs were standing straight out like he had put his paw in a light socket ! I tried to comb his hair but it was not smooth like had been before the shampoo . Had I ruined that beautiful silky coat ? I called Bill and told him I had ruined the Kittie . Bill is so logical and said that the shampoo had washed the oil out of his hair and that is why it did not look silky . My next thought was to rub some Olive Oil in his coat but Bill said " NO . . just wait a week and it will look like it used to " . Well , I hope so . . time will tell ! Each summer I enjoy extra time with my grand children . This started several years ago when my kids were trying to figure out day care for their children during the summer months . At that time , I offered to have the little ones when I got off work on Wednesday nights through Thursday afternoon . Over the years , the schedule has changed to accommodate those that needed a sitter but the one thing that has not changed is ; during the summer I have set days with my little angels and we all look forward to our time together . Of course , when the children were younger it was a lot harder watching them in the pool and taking them places , but as they have gotten older it is so much easier to just load them in the car and away we go ! Thank goodness , we do not have anymore car seats . When I have little Sarah , who is four and still needs a booster , I have too many kids to get in my car so we stay at the house and swim in the pool . One of the most wonderful things about having the grand kiddos is the one - on - one time that you do not get when their parents are around . I can not monetarily spoil them , but hopefully , when they are adults , they will have many memories of times with Nana . I only wish I would have know about the blogging when they were younger because so many funny things happened and because I did not write things down I do not remember everything only bits and pieces . Well , better late than never . Now is the time to jot down what we have done this summer and even though this is in my blog it will be a journal for the grand kids to read . It is now the middle of July and we only have one more month before the kids go back to school . Everyone has enjoyed fun days at the pool , we went to the movies and had a field trip to Hammond 's Candy Factory . KIDS IN A CANDY STORE ! ! ! ! Last night Erin brought over the first batch of kids . . Jonah , Jaycie , Evan and Daylee . Shawn soon followed with Ryan and Sarah , then I picked up Emma from dancing at 8 PM . The kids were great , they were all laughing and getting along well . We had sloppy joe 's and tater tots for dinner followed by Popsicle 's for dessert . Knowing these kids eat frequently , especially Little Miss Sarah , I decided to cut up apples in wedges , put them in baggies ( one baggie for each child ) and sprinkle cinnamon on the slices . I then stuck them in fridge for them to have as a late night snack . Yes , late night is the right word . . as some were still awake at 1 AM . They played , laughed and watched Shrek 2 before finally falling asleep . Jonah had said he wanted to go on a run with me so around 7 AM I tried to wake him up . Believe me , he was having no part of the waking up ! WE having been planning this run for several weeks and either he forgot his running shoes or there was some other excuse ! Sometime this summer I am going to get him on the running path . . even though I know he will put me to shame Since I had all seven kids we had to stay around the Condo and swim in the pool . What a great time they had jumping in to their rings and having races ! They even played ring toss Unfortunately , some of the other kids in the pool used their rings and surf board and we ended up with holes in most of them . That was easy , off to Wallmart where we picked up some new pool toys at a wonderful price . I love end of summer sales ! The kids have a great time getting ready for bed at Nana 's house . They move the coffee table and throw quilts and blankets on the floor , then curl up and watch movies until they fall asleep . . Ok , maybe they don 't curl up right away ! Jonah was not able to join us this week because he was playing in a Golf Tournament . The good news is that he took 5th place ! Erin brought Jaycie , Evan and Daylee over and I would pick up Emma from dance lessons at 8 pm . While waiting for Emma , the three decided to have a puppet show , Tiffany had made the stage using curtain rods which fit perfectly between my dinning room and the hallway . The show was great , the lines were so funny that I could not quit laughing . . Jaycie was trying to film for UTUBE and my laughing was drowning out the sound of the play . This is their puppet stage that Tiffany made . At eight I picked up Emma and we had spaghetti , Daylee 's request , for dinner then we watched So You Think You Can Dance . This program has become one of our favorites . . . I can see Emma on the program in 10 years ! The next day Jaycie and I went to pick up Ryan and Sarah and it was off to the pool for another fun day . Time is flying and the summer is drawing to an end . Daylee has started volleyball and Evan 's football practice is on Wednesday nights . . those two are the first to leave Nana 's Wednesday Nights . We miss them but we know that it is almost time for school to start and we only have a few more weeks left . Oh , by the way , Evan made Quarterback for his team ! Amber dropped Emma , Jonah and Jaycie off at the Surgery Center which saved her about 30min in driving time . I had some work to finish and by the time we were ready to leave a big rain storm started . It looked like a hurricane , the wind was blowing sideways and the rain was coming down in sheets ! I wanted to wait it out but the kids wanted to make a run for the car . . Guess Who Won ! By the time we got to the car , we were all soaked , cold and laughing . Emma turned the heater up in the car and away we went . We had only driven a few miles when it started to clear up , the sun came out and the clouds cleared . Go figure that is Colorado weather . Jaycie 's Birthday is August 7th so I decided to celebrate with her on the 5th . I had bought ingredients to make vanilla cupcakes with whip cream and strawberry frosting . After breakfast the girls decided they wanted to make the cupcakes before we went out to the pool . After Jonah lifted this huge boulder , we spent the rest of our time together at the pool . The kids love to have their pictures taken . Emma with one of the pool toys from Wallmart . Summer is now drawing to an end and I will miss these special times . It has been so much fun watching , and listening to these seven wonderful young souls . They have laughed , cried , fought , made up , . . . . . They amaze me with their insight , their knowledge about science ( just have a talk with Evan ) , their compassion for all living creatures ( all of them ) , their thoughts on social or political views ( Jaycie and Jonah ) , their creativity ( Daylee ) and their love for the arts ( Emma , who 's progress in dancing is outstanding ) , for her beautiful red hair and sweet disposition ( Miss Sarah ) and for reminding me most of his parent ( Ryan , you are the spitting image of your Dad ) . I love all of you and am so lucky to be your NANA . I hope we have many more fun days in the sun ! I tried something new I ran across and I decided to put it up and get some honest opinions . It 's pretty fun . You make a video out of your blog posts . Hello everyone . We interrupt this Mancat Monday to ask for purrs , prayers and power of the paw for all of us please . Thanks , we could use them . I menti . . . Yum , this ice cream cone is tasty ! Oh , I didn 't see you there . I do love my new ice cream cone . I 'll bet you wanna know how I got . . . Hi all it 's Cody ! ! Today is a two - fer ! ! First , I am happy to be pawticipating in Summer 's annual * Cat World Domination Day * Summer is having a special g . . . Welcome to the Wednesday Hodgepodge ! Who 's ready for summer ? If you 've answered this week 's questions add your link at the end of my post , and then go say . . . Two weeks ago : " Oh my God ! " I exclaimed as I grabbed my head in my hands . " I have so much to do and I don 't even know where to start . " I started to nervous . . . Below are a couple of pieces of my colouring , I do this for relaxation only . I 'm really pleased with the results . These are from a colouring book by Johan . . . * This post is sponsored by Nestlé Purina . I received compensation , but all opinions are my own . Catladyland only shares information we think would be of i . . . Hello ! ! ! Gosh darn it I did it again ! Here we are 19 months after my last post ! ! I said I was going to post more often and I can 't believe that much tim . . . Ah , yes . The garden is really coming along . We have been blessed with an abundance of summer squash , cucumbers , and finally , tomatoes . There 's been some gr . . . Purrs friends ! It has been ages since we have blogged and we wanted to update everyone on what we have been up to . Our humans quit their jobs ( well , our no . . . Ok , so it 's been a LOOOONG time since I posted anything on this blog . In fact , I had sort of forgotten about it . Lately , it 's come back to mind as I have . . . Well , I finally did it . I have wanted to do something different with the cabinets since we moved in . The thing that was stopping me was Mr . Jones and hi . . . I hate Diabetes ! There . I wrote it . Do I feel better ? No . I will only feel better when there is a cure for this terrible disease and hopefully during my li . . . Our mom promised us dat her would never keeps us away from all of you fur a long time ever again but GUESS WHAT ? ! ? ! Her did it anyways ! H . . . * First posted in October 2010 * . This what happened to my debut novel , * Mini Skirts and Laughter Lines * after I completed it . See post at new blog www . facin . . . So I haven 't been on the blog for quite sometime as you all may have noticed . So I will try to update in as little words as possible . I went to Chicago . . . To close out this blog and start anew . I have combined both my blogs into this blog . I tried wordpress and it was beyond me so I just did what I do best . . . To close out this blog and start anew . I have combined both my blogs into this blog . I tried wordpress and it was beyond me so I just did what I do best . . . But I am what my mood dictates me to be . Today was a ' skinny ' day , let 's shop ! I found not one but TWO pairs of jeans . After WEEKS of looking , trying on . . . |
No doubt ( or maybe not ) you are wondering what I have been doing for the last few weeks . There is my Mom and where she is at this point . I have begun to visit her in the morning , not always easy , because after lunch she is ready for a lie down or a nap . She is a bit more with it in the morning , we have a visit . She is having trouble saying what she wants , she tends to mumble more and more that I don 't really understand it . There are times when she is with it a bit more and I tell her what I have been doing . I haven 't told her about the kitchen remodel , I am not sure what she understands and I wonder if it would agitate her . I tend to go with " If you aren 't sure , don 't " . Maybe I am just chicken . She is having trouble with arthritis in her knees , one especially . She doesn 't like to walk or move because she knows it will hurt , though some days she is doing well and uses the walker . If it is a bad day , they will have in a wheelchair . They don 't want to make the wheelchair a habit or she will not walk again . Last Wednesday was her evaluation with DSHS - I learned things I didn 't really know - or didn 't want to know . Essentially she needs help with everything , she can wash her face if they give her soap and washcloth ready to go and she can eat by herself but someone needs to be there to keep her on track . Otherwise , she needs help or have it done for her in everything else . I knew she had to have help with a lot , but I didn 't realize the extent - threw me for a loop . I am still digesting it , I am not sure how I feel about it - I am not sure I feel anything at the moment . I knew it would come to this and she would only go downhill , I am not sure I am ready for it . Looks as if I will have to be ready for it . One thing I have learned recently is to do something after I see Mom , even if it is just to go to Lowes for something for the house . Or wander around somewhere just looking and seeing what 's there . I am working on doing an errand after I see her , though I sometimes forget . Then I go earthing on the Allen 's grass because it is softer and nicer than ours . She can be very feisty sometimes , not wanting to shower , wash her hair or change her clothes . However , Judy told me when she is having a good day , she is a darling . I know it is the dementia that is causing a lot of this , still hard to see it happen to Mom . My sisters call her , but now it is hard for them and for Mom . I had an email this morning from Candy , she had called Mom the other week and this was how she described it . " I can tell that Mom is " disappearing " by our phone calls . She managed an " I love you , too " at the last phone call , but mostly it is a couple of minutes of me talking , and any answer she gives is so garbled it makes no sense . I tell her we are all fine . I tell her she 's been a wonderful mother and is free to leave , that we will be all right . I tell her I love her . I 'm not sure she really knows who she 's talking to , though it is made clear at the beginning of the conversation that it 's her daughter from Nashville . " A lot of other things have been going on as well , plenty of things for several posts . I always hesitate to publish things about my Mom , she is a very private person and she might be upset for the whole world to know . Yet I also hope that writing about what is happening for our family can be of help and benefit to others dealing with a similar situation . More early childhood training . I have spent so much time catching up with pictures and my kitchen remodel blog that I have not had time or energy for this one . Working on the remodel takes more time , downloading the pictures , rotating and that need it , a little adjusting , etc . Then it takes quite a while to upload to my media library ; then it goes more quickly . I usually have a comment on each picture - that takes the least amount of time . I admit it has been an interesting adventure the past 3 weeks - especially now that it is definitely looking more like a real kitchen than that just my imaginings . I am so delighted with how well it has turned out so far , Mary Ellen was such a big help in choosing colors , flooring and counter tops . Plus I have received compliments on the blog - I started it to show my two sisters what was happening to house we grew up in . They have been very supportive and really like what we are doing . Also , this week has been busy as I was putting together quotes for the new client . He wants denim shirts , polos and tees ; I put together each category in separate quotes . Then I had my group price them for me and Friday morning they came back ; then I put them in each quote and sent them off . The proof for the lapel pin has been approved to put them into production . He is very pleased with how well I have been doing things for him - a lovely compliment I am very pleased to hear . Especially as I have been having trouble delivering an item another client wants - my group has not worked with any of the suppliers and that makes them nervous . I proposed I would pay for it and to order the one the client likes . I haven 't heard anything yet , though that was on Friday and I can 't remember when I sent the email . Friday was an important day for my Mom - we went to the oncologist to find out the options for her breast cancer and treatments . She doesn 't really know what is going on and I am not sure she would understand , so I haven 't said much to her about it . I have explained what we are doing but I think it is confusing for her . I am amazed at how calm I have been about the whole thing because I am usually a worrywart about things . The part I have been somewhat apprehensive about is how she would deal with the whole experience . Many times she has asked why are we doing this but so far has been fairly calm and cooperative . I went over to the house by 1 pm when the van was due . I had brought my bag again with kleenex , cookies and chocolate plus my book . The van didn 't arrive until about 1 : 45 - our appointment was for 2 . By the time he secured Mom 's wheelchair and I finally got in , we were off . The van is a high one and I couldn 't quite bend my left knee enough to use the bar to pull myself up . Ricky must be used to it because he held my right leg and lifted me up and there I was ! Traffic was somewhat heavy , so by the time we arrived , it was waaaay after 2 . The traffic was somewhat heavy but we moved most of the time . I was surprised we were at the Polyclinic - that is where my rheumatologist is and Infusion Therapy . We had gone to swedish 1st Hill for the other two appointments . I was able to slide down to the curb , much easier coming out than going in . The office is on the 5th floor , not too far from Infusion Therapy , so I felt on more familiar ground . The doctor is a young Chinese man , though I have to say he looks like a high school kid . He is not that tall and has no wrinkles in his fave , but after a bit I realized he had some grey in his hair , so he can 't be that young . He was very nice and had all the records , so that helped a lot . He examined Mom and asked questions and had some good news for us . He is not one for invasive or heroic measures . He said the stains show it has to do with estrogen - good news - and intermediate aggressive . He recommends Tomoxifin ( I think that is right ) , a once a day pill . It keeps the estrogen from turning on the growth message to a cell , so the cell dies . He thinks it may even shrink the 1 1 / 3 ″ cancer - too big to just scoop out and having surgery to remove it would be very hard on Mom . He feels this is a good option for Mom . He has spoken with Dr . Myre and she will arrange for the prescription . We were finished about 3 : 30 , so I called Tri - Med to pick us up - it was close to 5 before they arrived . Darryl was very friendly and helped both of us into the van . Mom sat in front because she couldn 't bend he right knee to have all legs in . It took some doing for me to get in the back seat - I couldn 't get my right leg to bend enough to be tucked in . Finally I found a way to do it and had to side sideways and out my feet in the middle of the van ; then would be the how do I get myself out . Even though it was 5 , the traffic wasn 't very heavy going south - usually on a Friday everything is so backed up . I called Eddie to let him know where I was and what was happening , then I would call when I was ready to leave Mom 's house . That meant I would have to figure out how to get out of the van . Finally I realized I could put my left foot on the floor and stand a bit until I had my right foot out enough to leave the van . however , it wasn 't easy to get to the ground because I needed enough leg length to reach the ground . I felt myself falling backward but found Daryl was behind me to keep me from falling . Those Tri - med guys are so great . By the time I was ready to leave for home , it was almost 6 . I told Didi what the doc said and that Dr . Myre would be sending the pills . She has received the anti - psychotic pills and has been taking them for a few days . Mom was really tired when she came back , but they decided to give her dinner first and I suspect she went to bed early . They had given her a small can of apple juice at the doctor 's office but was able to drink it until we were finished . I asked if she would like a cookie and she was definitely open to that . I brought three and it probably held her until dinner . Never did get to the chocolate , I 'll save it for another day . I came home and Brad was gone and Eddie was taking me out to dinner . I didn 't feel so tired and worn out this time , that helped a lot . We had a quiet dinner at California Pizza because going into Seattle wasn 't appealing at that point . I had a chance to take pictures for my blog afterwards and just stand and admire the kitchen . That was my week . I loved Ellen 's beach roses but it was hard because she also sent a gorgeous clematis . So I 'm putting in both photos . Thank You so much Ellen , you have such lovely pictures . Next time it will be Candy and a set of really wonderful photos . Won 't tell about it , so wait and see . I have finally been able to put together the blog with the kitchen remodel and published it - you can find it at eekplanian1 . wordpress . com It is more pictures with a bit of description or commentary . I have the before pictures first in the Kitchen Remodel and then under that ( I hope ) I have labeled it Day 1 . I also plan to do a category that shows the outside of the house and some of the interior , then another with pictures of the " garden " - I use the term loosely since it is more bare ground or weeds rather than garden . UPDATE : I can 't seem to get the link to work and I don 't know what is wrong . I thought it was publishing but it sometimes goes to something odd . Well , let me know if you can get through in spite of the frustrations . It is strange to find myself doing two blogs at the same time , one will no doubt be a bit behind - it may go back and forth . I appreciate your patience while I catch up . Now that we have been doing it for a week , I am surprised I don 't feel terribly stressed out - tired , you bet ! But it has seemed to take so long to come and now at last the remodel has arrived . Dealing with no water except in the bathrooms turns out not to be so bad - we seem to eat a lot of sandwiches and don 't use a lot of plates . Eddie uses the downstairs bathroom while I find upstairs more convenient . We trade off who does the dishes , so no one is stuck doing it all the time . We really enjoy Brad and one thing we notice is that at the end of the day , everything is cleaned and vacuumed before he leaves . He has also been using the vacuumed right up close when he is taking something down or cutting somewhere since there is lead pain all over the house . He did that when did the bathroom for us . This time he isn 't taking out all the walls , so there is less work in that area . Thursday this week the plumber came and turned the water off just as I was leaving for my massage , he said he would have it back on about 2 : 30 . So I decided to entertain myself until 3 . I had a lovely massage and Debye said that Spirits were telling me to go out in Nature and breathe it in deeply . Also , they told her I had already decided , so they were validating my inclination . Wow ! I stopped for some lunch to go at Subway - not a smart choice and will not go there again . But I took it over to the park and hoped there would be a parking space . We have been having lovely warm weather and figured everyone would be there . As I drove down , all the places by the beach looked full - then I saw an empty space . A handicapped space just where I wanted to be because I planned to go down to the south end of the park . They were looking out for me . I walked down quite a way and found a place I could go down the shallow few steps and over to a log with only a small stretch of sand and stone . It faced west and the sun hadn 't come around all the way , so I had a lovely time eating my salad and my drink while reading my book . It was amazingly quiet and peaceful most of the time , it was what I had in mind . Around 2 : 15 Brad called to let me know the water was back on , so I cleaned up things and came home . I was surprised to find myself so tired , I had no energy to do anything but relax . Greg was gone and had no trouble doing the plumbing for the kitchen sink and Friday the inspector was due . I have been taking pictures of the progress , so he was kidding me a bit about it . Friday the electrician came - Bret has down things here before so he is familiar with the house . He is a hoot and does an excellent job , I am glad he is doing the work . He asked what we wanted for outlets and such 0 he said he could do anything we want . I thought he was going to turn off the power , but that will be Monday . So I was able to write my blog and work on getting the remodel one going . I also went to see my Mom , she was kind of tired and when I asked about her bears , she wasn 't sure where they were . I pointed out to her and asked if she would like to hold a bear - she was very happy to hold on to the big bear , her favorite . I noticed she kept closing her eyes and so I asked Judy if she had slept the night before - Judy said she woke up quite early . That may explain why she was nodding off . So Judy helped her to get ready for a nap and I left . Today we have taken our time doing things , I even had plenty of time to look through 3 quilting magazines . We are both tired from the week and the weekend of moving stuff . We slept well last night and probably will tonight as well . Sorry , no pictures for this post - you will find a lot on the remodel one . At the beginning of the week I thought I had things well in hand - not so much at the end of it . I was beat when I finished up the last of the moving out of kitchen stuff , I figured I could relax . But it wasn 't to be . I went to see my chiropractor Monday morning for my regular appointment , glad to be there because I was stiff and sore . She really helped me with that and my shoulder , so I figured I would be able to sleep better . So I came home and wrote about Day 1 and decided to create a new blog just for the remodel . I was really tired after that , so I just relaxed . Dinner was an adventure - we still have the stove so we cooked the artichokes . I filled the pot from the shower , then later washed all the plates , etc . there as well . That was something because I was bending over to do it and my back wasn 't happy . I decided the bathroom sink would work better . A little awkward but it does the job . We are planning on very simple meals while this is going on - sometimes we have to go to different rooms to collect what we need . Unfortunately I didn 't sleep all that well Monday night , not sure if I was still too tired to sleep . I started working on the new blog , then had to leave because I had to do a medical day on Tuesday . I first went to Radiology for my Dexa Scan , I only had to take off my shoes and unhook my bra and unzip my slacks because they were also doing my spine as well . I didn 't know that , they did it the last time , I thought it was only my right hip . They could do my right because of the broken bone , they can 't get a match to the 2005 one - yep , it 's been that long ! I got up on the table and she positioned me , then had to reposition - telling me not to move , she would move me . It didn 't work as well , so back she slid me to the first position . It was a little hard for her to put me in place because of the RA , but she was very friendly , just all business . She printed pages out for me to take to Dr . Sheets , my rheumatologist . I found out my numbers are higher than what is normal - 28 instead of 20 or below , 4 . 2 instead of 3 . 6 , no idea what they all mean but according to her I am at great risk . Hmmmm , is it as bad as that or is that medical overanalyzing ? Of course the doc wants to put me on Fosemax - type med - been there , done that , no desire to repeat . I will see my primary care doc on the 18th and will discuss it with him . Otherwise , she is pleased with results of Orencia . My blood work was done when I had the infusion , so she probably has them by now . Up to the Infusion Center where I was able to relax , read and enjoy the view from the other corner suite - not quite the view but very nice and quiet in the corner . The Mt . Ranier was out and I could look south to see it and the freeway - we have been having warm sunny days this week . Everything went smoothly so I was finished by about 2 : 30 and home by 3 . I didn 't plan to visit Mom because it would be late when I got there . So I said I would come Wednesday morning . Didn 't sleep very well , something was off but I didn 't know what it was . I went to Breakfast Club and forgot it wasn 't at the usual place - the place was dark , which gave me a clue . We were meeting at Dr . Rob 's vet clinic , he finished the remodel and it is really wonderful , he put an addition on that increased the size to twice the space . I also took Vickie aside and apologized for not getting her order on the day she wanted it . I haven 't been as diligent as I needed and I had trouble getting answers from Kristen . That is the first one that didn 't make it to the starting gate - really bothers me . I went to have coffee and read for a bit before seeing Mom , it was 8 : 30 and I usually don 't go until around 10 or 10 : 30 . She was sitting at the dining room table , alert and with it . We talked a bit and then ran out of things to say . It is hard because I don 't know about telling her about the house , she would want to come and see it . The things foremost on my mind I am not sure about telling her - would it just confuse her or make her agitated ? I don 't want to stir the pot . Yes , just call me chicken ! She has an appointment with the oncologist on June 21st at 2p . m . - we 'll see what this doc has to say . Then it will be talking to Dr . Myre to decided the best course of action for Mom . Eddie had a dentist appointment in the afternoon so I stayed for when the 1 800 Junk guys came to finish up clearing the end of the basement . I went down to see how it looked after they came Saturday and stayed down to check out where my pictures were - don 't know where all of them are but I did find the one with my flower - pot lady . I made it when I was in Fort Wayne but left her because I didn 't think she would make it through moving . Eddie came back from the dentist - good report - just as they were preparing the bill . Now the area is clean and ready for the plumber and electrician . I was feeling tired again - it 's like watching the movers packing or loading , I watch them work and I am exhausted . What I really appreciated was how well I slept that night . I was feeling good and energetic on sunday , good thing because I spent a lot of the day cleaning out things in the cupboards and then putting them in places other than the kitchen . Eddie dropped off about 5 bags to Goodwill this morning , plus we have filled the recycle wheely bin to the top . Not sure if they are coming tomorrow or next Tuesday . Even after all that , this morning before Brad arrived I was running back and forth to literally take things out of the cupboards to make sure they were empty . I still have things in the pantry , but for the moment that is okay . However , I am going to have to find boxes or something to empty things in so I can move them when Brad paints the pantry and puts new vinyl flooring down . I thought I would sleep well last night because I was so tired - for some reason I didn 't sleep all that well , so I was tired and sore and achy when I got up in the morning . I had an appointment with Dr Cheryl for an adjustment and I was so glad . I just had a banana for breakfast and then left . She really helped this morning with my shoulder as well as my back and neck . Then I decided to go somewhere for coffee , relaxation and read my book for a while . I really need some down time now . When I came home around 12 : 30 , Brad had a lot of the cupboards down and out - the kitchen was on the back porch . The kitchen has been echoing lately and it keeps getting more pronounced with each thing removed . I went for a lie down because I wasn 't sure if I would actually sleep - I just knew I needed to rest . I heard the saw and other things but it didn 't bother me because I was so tired . So I cuddled with Bunny for two hours and it felt so good . I finally felt ready to get up , so I decided to see what Brad was doing . Wow ! He had packed most of the cabinets into his truck - he had broken them down , otherwise it wouldn 't have been possible . There are still a few things left but most of it is gone . He left us the stove and the refrigerator and had them plugged in to make it possible to use them if we wanted . We didn 't have water in the kitchen , so I filled the pot for the artichokes in the shower and later washed the few dishes in there after dinner . there will be a scramble for a while as we both find out where the other put things . I have been taking before and during photos the last few days , my sister Ellen asked if I would . I wasn 't around much to document the new bathroom , I had only been out of rehab 3 or 4 days before I moved to a hotel and Mom when to the adult family home . I was still using the wheely walker and my progress was slow and careful . Sometimes Eddie and I came by the house for him to get something , often it felt like a lot of effort to go up the walk and up the one step , then navigate through the piles . So I would wait in the car for Eddie . One thing about Brad , he is very good at cleaning up during the work and at the end of the day . Kitchen is probably cleaner than it has been for some time . He will be here later than 8 tomorrow because he plans to pick up the new back door and install it - can 't wait for that . The one we have now doesn 't shut properly and anyone can can easily break in . He is also going to take the front door locking system to see if it can be repaired - I asked how he would keep the door secure while it 's gone , so he is working on a plan . I saw Dr . Cheryl for my adjustment on Friday and mentioned how tired and dragged out I had been all week . She said she has talked to a lot of people who have felt the same way . Hmmmm , in my own self absorbed world this week , I thought I was the only one feeling that way . NEWS FLASH Sister , you are not unique in this . Maybe it is all the dust I have inhaled the past two or three weeks from the kitchen . Now we actually have money in hand for the kitchen remodel , we feel we needed to start cleaning out cupboards . I filled a box for my sister Candy with Mom 's cookbooks , she may get more than she bargained for with that box . I started another one for her with the cocoa set and some cookie cutters , plus some silverware and utensils . I put the bread machine aside as well in case she would like that . Unfortunately there are only the smoke and light blue glasses left - I broke the green one last year . I need to check with Ellen in case she has changed her mind about things . Yesterday the 1 - 800 Junk guys came and cleared out part of the basement where the electrician will need to work . I kept the Christmas decorations - hope I didn 't miss anything . I went through before they came to be sure - found some quilting stuff , the two card tables and can 't remember what else . I guess if I can 't remember or haven 't used it , I probably won 't miss it . Still have a cupboard to go through and figure out where we will store things while the remodel is in progress . More stuff to Goodwill as well . We worked a lot of the weekend and the holiday , though we also made sure we had time to rest and relax . Tuesday I found myself tired , the I went to visit Mom and that really did it to me . I went in the morning and found she had not slept well that night before - she was in bed and hardly awake . I just let her know I was there and would come back to visit . I really felt down even though my mind told me she has had lots of mornings like this , often afternoons as well . I am not sure why it hit me like that , but it did upset me . I went in the morning because the interior designer was coming at 1 . I have been going round and round trying to decide what color to paint the kitchen - my mind just went into neutral . So Mary Ellen was a great help and fun to work with . I told what I was thinking and we looked at color samples , plus I brought one of our sofa cushions up to help with the color for the living / dining room and the hall . I was thinking pale peach because I want it to feel warm and light on those cloudy , cold , rainy days . What we ended up with was the same color for the kitchen as well . I took before pictures of both the kitchen and living room - Sherwin Williams has a program on their site to see how colors look . The color sample on top is the palette , the color is the second lightest , called Creamery . The trim will be White dove , the last chip on the other sample . I am going to see if I can do a before and after picture of the wall and trim colors . The little sample on the white rectangular piece is the counter top , the white on is the cabinets . My photos aren 't the most accurate with color , because the sample is lighter . The floor covering is at the bottom , plus I took one by itself on the floor - not the bets colors either . But at least it is something to give you an idea of what we chose . We then went to the wholesale place to find counter top , backsplash and floor . While I was waiting , I could have easily crawled on the table and gone to sleep I was so tired . I don 't know what happened , maybe a combination of together ness and seeing Mom in the morning . I was like that on Wednesday , I went to Breakfast Club and had some time to wait to see Dr . Cheryl , so I parked in the Kent Station parking lot and decided to read . Instead I slept , couldn 't keep my eyes open . then I had a call from Cheryl , we had changed the appointment to 9 : 15 instead of 10 : 15 and I didn 't look at my calendar . That 's why I saw her on Friday after my haircut . I went home and knew I should do more cleaning out , but didn 't . Eddie came home from the archives and we went out to do a couple of things , then came hoe . Thursday I had my massage and although the afternoon was free , I opted for a lie down . I had had naps during the weekend but it didn 't seem to make a difference . I knew I needed to clean out more but I didn 't . Friday I saw Mom in the afternoon and she was doing well , she had slept both nights before and was alert . She was doing okay with the walker but her knees still hurt . she was using the wheelchair but Didi and Judy were concerned she would get used to it and not use the walker . I had taken an apple pie on Tuesday morning and I am sure she enjoyed it , even if she didn 't remember . 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She laid back down on the ground but when she went to put her head on the concrete , pain shot through her entire body causing her to yo - yo in and out of consciousness from then on . She didn 't remember much from her bouts of being half - awake , just Clark 's hands covered in something dark as he fumbled his shirt off and tried to tell her to " stay with him " . In that moment , she didn 't realize he meant for her to try to stay awake , and instead she thought he meant stay with him from then on . She vaguely recalled wondering to herself if she would or not before the darkness returned . The next time she woke up , and really woke up , it was in a hospital bed . She looked around groggily wondering how she even got there before Clark came to mind and everything that happened the night before . . . night ? Day ? Hour ? She didn 't know how long she 'd been out . Scarlett also found herself worried , once again , about Clark , for which she scorned herself . She had no good reason to be concerned for the well - being of someone who wanted to hurt her . " Scarlett ! Oh thank God . . . Jesus I didn 't know what . . . " He said , moving to her bed then reaching out to grab her hand , pulling back when he realized that wasn 't a good idea , he sat down in the closest chair instead and pulled it forward . " I didn 't know how badly you were hurt and the doctor said he stitched you up and you should be fine but you never know how head injuries are going to turn out until the person wakes up and - " He continued , getting interrupted by both the doctor and Scarlett 's horrified look as he told his story . Head injury ? ! What the hell happened ? ! The doctor glided in , commenting that her being awake so soon is a good sign and then asking her the typical " Who 's president and what day is it " type questions used to determine the level trauma after a head injury . He explained she needed 5 stitches on the back of her head from where she fell onto the concrete and , with a suspicious look in Clark 's direction and a semi - sarcastic tone , told her she was " lucky the car just scared you into falling backwards instead of hitting you " . Clark hunched over , avoiding the doctor 's judgmental gaze . He knew the doctor sooner suspected a domestic abuse incident over an accidental tripping . The doc finally left and Scarlett just sat there still trying to gather her thoughts . She struggled to remember the full timeline of what happened the past few days despite passing the long - term memory test she was just given . " I . . . I don 't know . Physically I 'm apparently on too many pain killers to realize I even had stitches and a busted up arm , but mentally I . . . I don 't know what to say to you . " Scarlett felt like she should be more scared of him . He tried to kill her for God 's sake . Why did he save me then ? She wondered . " You mean the one you put yourself in the way of ? " He said , failing to contain his obvious frustration at her putting herself in harm 's way . " It drove off . " Scarlett now vaguely recalled her unexplainable stopping in the car 's path . What the hell was she thinking ? " Look . . . " he started with a sideways glance towards Clark , moving in closer to her before continuing , " just because we . . . I mean I . . . just because things ended the way they did doesn 't mean I don 't care about you anymore . I still want to know you 're okay . " He was almost whispering and choosing his words carefully . It occurred to Scarlett that Clay had no idea it was Clark 's house she went to both times he drove her to leave home . It was him that Clay spoke to next . " I . . . I 'm the one who found her . Apparently she had gone on a walk or something and a car almost hit her . To avoid it she must have moved and tripped over something . The road isn 't far from my house and I was on my way home when I saw her . " " Clay you need to leave . You see that I 'm okay , so just leave . " She said , refraining from saying more because she knew it would only make him stay longer . " I know I messed things up . But we 've been through so much together . I don 't want to not have a relationship with you just because - " " Just because what ? You slept with my best friend for 6 months , attacked everything about who I am as a person , let me leave crying and then invited my best friend over for another quickie before I got home ? ! " She didn 't give him another chance to speak and interrupted him when he tried . Much calmer this time , she held up a hand in protest and said , " I don 't care what you want any more Clay . I don 't want to see you or Evie again ; you both need to leave me alone . " Either because he believed her or because he could tell he would get nowhere for at least a while , Clay left , placing on the table behind him a large enclosed envelope she didn 't notice he even had . But at this point her blood was pumping so fast she didn 't give it a second thought . What she did point her attention to , however , is the fact that she was in the hospital because of an injury Clark caused and this was her chance to get out of there without risking him trying to keep her there . She needed to get away and figure out what to do about all this . Scarlett exited quickly no more than 20 minutes after Clay , seething because under the enclosed packet he left on her table , he had also left money . All she could think about was the nerve he had assuming she didn 't have any before it hit her that in reality , she didn 't . What little she had was left at Clark 's ; her license , money , car and car keys . Her only real choice was to find a taxi and a cheap motel to stay in while she decided what her next move was . At least she still had her phone and even that was only because it was in her inside jacket pocket during this whole ordeal . Scarlett nearly hurled at what she pulled from the packet . Divorce papers ? ? He cheated on me and now HE wants a divorce ? ! She just about threw the packet of papers out the window until she saw there was a note in the packet as well . It read : I have already signed these papers , all you have to do is sign them yourself and you 'll have nothing more to do with me . You can have whatever you want . I had intended on asking for a divorce about a month ago when our arguments first escalated from bad to worse , but I wanted to give it one more shot . I even left Evie … But I traded one thing for another with my work , and things seemed to get gradually even worse . After our last fight , I was weak and called Evie . There 's no good excuse for what happened , I just figured after that you would want these now so I went ahead and signed them . What the hell did I just read ? ! A MONTH AGO ? And then he says he " even broke things off with Evie " like he was doing ME a favor ? ! He hopes I can find it in my heart to forgive him ? ! Scarlett could only remember being this mad one other time and it was when her father revealed his infidelities to the family and her parents inevitably decided they were splitting . Similar to her reaction back then , she just wanted to hit something for the injustice of it all . She was so sick of people putting her in last place ! She lost the most when her parents split . She lost the most with Clay . And then she was almost killed by Clark ! Why does all this keep happening to her ? ! I 'm a good person ! Her adrenaline rush after the nerve he had leaving her money and then this ridiculous note left her wanting more than anything to confront Clay . She dialed his number but it was a female voice that answered . Evie 's voice . " Scarlett ? " But Scarlett didn 't answer . She was stunned that apparently she and Clay were so happy together she was already around often enough to answer his phone for him . She was so irate she didn 't know what to do . When she got to the strip motel moments after hanging up the phone , she entered her room from the sidewalk that surrounded the buildings parking lot . With nothing but the packet and her phone to her name right now , she didn 't even bother to close the door before throwing the stack of papers and her cell phone at the wall , angering herself even more as the pile of paper flew over her and fell to the floor , literally surrounding her with the failure she 'd built her life around . They hadn 't even all hit the floor before a sharp pain shot through to her forehead and her vision went blurry , causing her to stumble backwards . James Hanover … She had met him at a few of her art galleries and although she had to give him credit for being the only person to buy something at every showing , he always stood a little too close and stared a little too long for her liking , often avoiding him unless absolutely necessary . Nevertheless , she had to admit she was slightly relieved to see a face that wasn 't trying to either kill or betray her . " You scared me ! I was on my way out in the parking lot and saw you walking up so I figured I 'd catch up with you but as soon as I got to the door , you were just about on your ass . Maybe it 's fate . I always knew one day you 'd fall for me , " he said with a smile and wink that sent chills up her spine . She let out a pity chuckle at his attempted joke then remembered the papers all over the floor . She began to apologize for the mess and pick them up then jumped back up towards him when she realized he was trying to help as well . She didn 't want him knowing her business but by the time she leaped in his direction , it was too late . " You can 't stay here ! This place is horrible . Look , I have a house on the lake that no one is using right now . You can stay there until you 're back on your feet ! And there are clothes and food and internet , everything you could need . It 's all yours . " He said . She was taken aback by not only his offer , but also the fact that he had all those things . She never realized he was so well off . But then , she never really took the time to talk to him . As much as she hated having to stay at yet another person 's house , she hated the idea of staying at this hotel even worse and really needed everything he was offering to figure out what her next move was going to be . Reluctantly , she accepted his offer and before she knew it , they were off . It was about a 20 - minute drive from the hotel before they got to the house and considering she had endured many invasive questions from James on the way up , she was elated when they finally arrived . Even more so when he didn 't stick around longer than the time it took to show her where everything was . After he left , Scarlett took a much - needed shower before lying on the bed to clear her thoughts . Next thing she knew she woke up to the sun setting and realized she must have fallen asleep for a couple of hours . Returning to the kitchen she noticed there was a bottle of her favorite wine with a note attached saying " Take a night to relax and give me a call if you need anything . - James " Of course she thought it was odd he just happened to have that but assumed he saw her drinking it at her showings and , recalling the last few days she 's had , decided a drink sounded amazing . She poured herself a large glass and moved to the bedroom where she clicked on the TV , sunk into the pillows and drank the first few gulps as though it were water and she 'd been stuck in the desert for days . Scarlett opened her tear filled eyes one last time to see Clark standing in the doorway , panting , fists clenched as he startled James off the bed and , through gritted teeth , said , " Get . Off . Of . Her . " Scarlett woke up in bed and had no chance to think before being overwhelmed with nausea . Just as she thought she was about to lose it on the bed she realized a trash can was sitting in front of the night stand and promptly redirected her . . . feelings into it instead . She then felt slightly relieved as a million other emotions flooded over her ; surprise at the fact that it was sun - up outside already , fear at the inability to recall exactly what happened the night before , exhaustion and hunger , to name a few . " You don 't know ? That 's right , shit . . . I guess you wouldn 't . . . Okay Scarlett relax , I 'm not here to hurt you . " " Okay . . . " He started , slowly sitting in the chair at the foot of the bed , hands still in front of him , " I 'm assuming since that piece of shit drugged your wine you don 't remember much from last night . What 's the last thing you can recall ? " Scarlett thought for a minute and told him she remembers falling asleep while she watched TV . As she thought more about it , though , Clark sitting quietly and letting her put the pieces together , she remembered James ' sick smile , how terrified she was when he climbed on top of her , and Clark . Clark , who came to save her by scaring him off . " You . . . But he . . . How did you know I was even here ? Why would you help me ? You were trying to kill me before ! " She finally got out , although borderline hysterical now . " I 've been keeping an eye on you since you left the hospital . Scared the hell out of me by the way . The doctor said you shouldn 't have left ! " Ignoring her tone , he continued by saying , " And I wasn 't trying to kill you before . Well . . . Okay when I first met you that was the plan I guess . . . " he paused to acknowledge the look of disbelief and anger on Scarlett 's face at that , " But look ! Me letting you go , following you through the woods , ' stalking ' you here , and certainly running that creep out of here , all had nothing to do with trying to hurt you . I was serious about how I said I feel about you that night . " " I didn 't . I didn 't even know you were sisters . And in the interest of being honest so you 'll believe me from now on , my past has been winning over married women then killing them . It has always felt right to me . But I met her and it was different . I actually wanted to see if we could have a future but before I had the chance , the accident took her . I just went back to what I knew until you came along and having even stronger feelings for you , mixed with finding out she was your sister really screwed with my head Scarlett . I thought the first thing you 'd do is go to the cops and I was willing to accept that until you ran into the death trap that is those woods behind my house . " Scarlett 's head was swimming and she had no idea what to think . She stayed with her head in her hands for a long moment trying to decide what to make of all this . After a while , she muttered to herself , " What the hell am I supposed to do now . . . " Even though the question wasn 't directed at him , Clark responded by saying , " I know what you can do now . . . Stay with me . We don 't have to be together , ever , if you don 't want to . But I can 't stand not knowing if you 're safe or not and we both know you can 't stay here so you have nowhere else to go . I can take care of you ; even if you want us to stay in separate rooms forever , just let me take care of you . . . " Scarlett waited a long moment before responding , trying to process his request . After everything she 'd been through in such a short time , her body finally went numb . She had spent too much time being the victim , feeling vulnerable day after day . This is where her vulnerability led her , it was her own fault . Not anymore , she decided . It was time to take matters into her own hands . In a very serious tone and with a stern , cold look now residing where her previously self - pitying , pathetic face used to be , Scarlett said , " Fine . I 'll stay with you . On one condition . . . " " Clark . . . If you want to take care of me the way you 've said you do , I need you to help me . My life has been wrong for so long and I blame myself for my part in it but I 've always been controlled by what others want and look where it 's gotten me . " " You want me to . . . You want to kill somebody ? Who ? Why ? " He 'd finally gathered himself enough to voice the thoughts racing through his mind . " How isn 't it obvious ? She snuck around with my husband and had the nerve to face me almost every day , smiling like she wasn 't a slimy piece of shit . God , picturing them rolling around in my own bed , the bed I slept in every night , that Clay held me in when we were doing okay ; It makes me sick to my stomach . All I want do is make them pay . Evie and I had been friends since elementary school . We supported each other in everything , cried together , and shared everything with each other . Truthfully , Clay 's betrayal made me cold , and numb , but Evie 's betrayal is the one that will stay with me for as long as she walks this Earth , and if Clay ' loves ' her so much , I want to take her from him the way they both took everything from me . " Scarlett said all this in a voice that didn 't even sound like her . Now that she decided to stop feeling sorry for herself , she suddenly felt in control , at least partly . She glared at him momentarily , lips pursed and brows furrowed , before getting off the bed , starting to walk out of the room and saying , " Fine . Then just leave . I 'll do it myself . " Clark knew , even if Scarlett didn 't , that she could never do it . She would probably get to the point where she needed to pull the trigger and she 'd freeze . Evie would get away , call the cops , and Scarlett would end up in jail for God knows how long . He recognized that his only options were to either help her , or talk her out of it . " Scarlett ! Please try to understand . I want to take care of you , yes , but killing someone is not . . . it 's not something you can handle ! You would hate yourself for the rest of your life knowing you had a part in something like that and it would eat away at your soul . I can 't help you do that to yourself . " " Don 't talk to me like I 'm a child ! I know what I want . For the first time in as long as I can remember , I know exactly what I want . This is the first thing I 've ever felt so sure of . You don 't have to help me . Just know that if you don 't , it 's still going to happen . You can help me or you can leave but it won 't change the end result . What 's it matter to you anyways ? Just think of her as another one of your ' trophies ' , " she finished with a sarcastic set of air quotes . " It isn 't that easy Scarlett . Killing those women . . . it 's not something I do because I need to deep down , or because I just enjoy it ! It 's not a feeling I can 't control the way most people think and I don 't need the ' fix ' most serial killers do . What I do , or have done . . . it 's not about the killing ; it 's about proving my point . The killing is a means to an end and a necessary evil . I don 't let them live because it would eventually ruin my ability to move elsewhere and do it again . It 's the process that I need . " " You don 't even have a plan ? You 're asking me to help you with this and you don 't even know what you wanna do yet ? ! " He was almost yelling . " Relax ! " She responded , putting both hands in the air , palms facing him , to get him to back down . He sat down in the chair across from her and put his head in his hands . " What I meant was , what are you comfortable doing . I don 't particularly care how it 's done as long as it gets done . " Scarlett continued . " First of all , " Scarlett started matter - of - factually , " it would be easy to pin me with a motive given the whole cheating bitch scenario so any true involvement from me would most likely lead to my being caught . Secondly , more people involved means higher risk of getting caught in general . I help with the plan ; you do the actual killing part . Or is that too much for you ? " She finished with a condescending tone as though she was trying to get him amped by belittling him . Clark tried hard to maintain his temper . He didn 't like being talked down to and he was struggling to remind himself why he was doing all this . He wanted Scarlett to stay with him and if this is what it took for her to get over everything , he was going to do it . Putting his emotions aside for the moment , he tried to think practically . How could he pull this off quickly and without arousing suspicion ? " Why don 't we just stage a mugging ? It 's quick , it 's easy . I shoot her , take her purse , run off and she 'll bleed out . " He said finally . " Ok . We used to take that yoga class together . I haven 't gone in a while with her but she still goes . It 's on the shady side of town so it 's not impossible that a mugging could happen there . " Scarlett had her own plans she wasn 't about to let Clark in on but even with those helping her keep a firm grasp on who she really was , she surprised herself with how thoroughly she actually seemed to think this through . Right , Scarlett had forgotten about that part of the agreement . " Actually , I 'll stay with you after this is done . The point is for you to prove I can trust that you won 't try and hurt me again by helping me with this . " " I don 't plan to . You brought my purse and everything back to me , remember ? I 'll use my card to stay in a hotel for the night . " Scarlett was on edge the rest of the day . She worried constantly about if she was making the right decision and while she always convinced herself that she was , she also couldn 't shake the feeling that she was going to be hauled off the prison for the rest of her life . She wasn 't entirely well - versed in the law and was just hoping everything would work in her favor . " I mean , you sent me a text every ten minutes yesterday asking where I was or what I was doing and now you 're here , I assume to keep tabs on me in person ? And I 'm not sure what you 're expecting to happen today until later tonight . I 'd really be more comfortable if we didn 't see each other for now . " " I just wanted to bring you breakfast , " he said , holding up a white paper bag , " and make sure you still want to do this . It 's something that 's going to weigh on your conscience forever knowing you were a part of it and to be honest I 'm shocked at how easily you 're accepting that . I expected you to be , I don 't know , scared or concerned or something . " " I don 't know a way to explain why I 'm okay with it any better than I tried to yesterday . But yes , I still want this to happen . In the meantime , though , I would still be more comfortable if we didn 't see each other again until after it 's over . My phone is on if you really need me but I 'd like you to leave now . " Scarlett fought to keep her knees from buckling . Her heart beat so hard it hurt . This wasn 't the plan . He was arrested already ? How ? Why ? " Scarlett , just come here please , I clearly can 't get a . . . Get your hands off me ! My call isn 't over ! Give me back - " Click . Damn , she had to get over there and figure out what was going on . She wasn 't upset he was arrested , but she needed to know why . It seemed surreal . She laughed a little , but still couldn 't get over how much he had changed . They had dated for a little while when she first got to the university when he was a long haired , geeky political science major who ended up leaving town for an internship at another school . He was far from geeky now , and Scarlett felt foolish for blushing and for gawking so long at his freshly faux - hawked chestnut hair . It wasn 't long , though , before her awe was replaced with a reality check . After a small hug and dismissing the other officer , he placed his hands on her shoulders . Concerned eyes locked on hers before asking , " So what are you doing here ? Is everything okay ? " " I was one of his victims . Well , attempted , I guess . I escaped because he claimed he had feelings for me so he didn 't follow through . I started to believe him because he eventually saved me from another person trying to hurt me , " Scarlett paused a moment and realized she 'd never given any thought to turning James in . " But even though he was a good friend when I needed one , I couldn 't stay with him when he asked me to . I didn 't feel like I could tell him that either , though , because among other things I didn 't trust him to leave me alone or not to hurt anyone else again if I didn 't stay with him , so I started recording all of our conversations and I tried to set him up by pretending the only way I would stay is if he would help me kill someone . All I need to show is intent , right ? I was 30 minutes away from coming to the police myself to provide my recordings before Clark called me - " " Scarlett , we arrested Clark because there was another victim who escaped and has been helping the force track him for months . Using statements from other victim 's family members and her account of what happened , they finally got him . She lived in California when he tried to get her but - " Scarlett thought her heart was going to stop . Her sister lived in California . Whether this survivor was her sister or not , she wasn 't sure she could take it either way . Scarlett reeled a moment , sitting down , and then forced herself to regain composure . Marley was Alana 's best friend for about a year ; she 'd even babysat Scarlett a couple of times . Scarlett remembered how excited Alana was to find someone to hang out with after being in California for several months and not getting to know anyone . How did Clark end up with her too ? She didn 't really know how to answer that but responded , " Um , I 've been better I guess . Marley , what 's going on ? I am completely lost in all this . " " What did he do to you ? They said you were another victim . . . " Scarlett asked with a comforting smile on her face , waiting for the traumatizing details to come . " Well , I was almost a victim . Robert and I , or I guess Victor is his real name , dated in Ohio for a little while as my divorce finalized but he got very clingy . I found pictures of me at his house , he showed up wherever I was for no reason , that kind of stuff . I came home early one day to him in my house messing with my open bottle of wine . He said he was waiting to surprise me but even if I believed him , I never gave him a key . " Scarlett had to stifle a gasp when she mentioned the wine ; it reminded her of James . Now , though , she was wondering if Clark hadn 't been the cause of that . Marley continued , " Even worse , I ended up getting into an accident the next day only to find out it was because someone cut my brake line ! I was so freaked out I just decided to ' break up ' with him and move to Cali . That 's when I met Alana . We really hit it off since she was having trouble in her marriage too . " Scarlett never knew Alana and her husband were having problems . They had always seemed so infallibly in love . " I thought , and still think , he was . I saw him leaving her house late the night before they found her body . . . That 's why I went to the police in the first place , but Alana left a note . Even after finding her rings in this guy 's basement , they don 't think they can prove he killed her so they had to leave it labeled as a suicide . " " I tried ! Once I realized she was with him anyways . She wouldn 't tell me anything about the ' guy she was seeing ' because she was planning to leave her husband , but I went to her house one day and saw him through the front window . When I realized who it was I knocked on the door and he must have left by the back before she invited me in but I told her everything . I didn 't hear from her for three days after that , Scarlett . The next time I saw her was when I found her dead in her house , without her wedding rings . " " I went to the police after finding her to tell them about seeing him leave her house . They looked into it but found his apartment empty , his car abandoned and little to nothing on him . Not so much as a hair in that place , he bleached it clean . He stole the identity of a dead man and used it only when he absolutely needed to . All they had was a bunch of descriptions and fake names . The only thing that helped is he told me he graduated from a school in Florida , and they managed to find pictures of him there . That led to finding him . " This whole situation had Scarlett in slow motion trying to process it . She needed to talk to Clark . She needed him to know she had planned to turn him in , and this is exactly where he deserved to be . " Scarlett ! " He almost yelled it then motioned for her to get closer so they could talk quieter , " I need you to bail me out . I have the money , just go to my house and get it . I - " She didn 't know what to say to him . Her anger and sadness suddenly dissipated . All it took was him calling Marley " some girl " and his thinking this whole thing wasn 't a big deal . He seemed stunned at the question but got noticeably more frantic that they weren 't talking about his bail . He responded by saying , " Well yeah , but what did you want me to do ? I couldn 't call the cops myself ! I was dating her at the time ; they would 've made it look like I killed her ! " " Someone who can do what you 've done in your life could never be trusted not to do it again . I would never stay with you knowing your past . I could certainly never live with myself if you hurt someone in the future and I had the chance to stop it . Especially after learning about my sister , this is exactly where you deserve to be . " Scarlett had said her piece and turned to walk away before bothering to listen to anything else he had to say . Knowing he would go to jail for a long time , she felt as though a weight had been lifted . After all this , even a divorce didn 't seem so bad . She could move on with the confidence she had gained having to fight for her life . Even though she wasn 't sure what she would do or where she would go next , Scarlett felt more at ease than she had in years . Scott led her back out to the front of the station where Marley was sitting . . They talked for another minute , made plans to get together before she left for California , then Marley was led back to fill out paperwork . Scott asked if he could speak with her outside and as he walked out the front door , she followed . " I know it 's not really my place , but I want you to know you can get ahold of me whenever you need anything . It 's going to be a long night yet and not that I don 't think you can handle it but nights are the worst after something bad happens . I just don 't want you to think you don 't have someone to talk to . " " Actually Scott , I don 't feel like this is a bad thing anymore . As long as he ends up in jail for a long time , I 'm surprisingly happy . " Scarlett paused a second to notice the look on his face . He seemed slightly defeated . Even with sadness in his eyes , they still accentuated the rest of his striking features . " But , " she continued , " I would like to be able to keep in touch with you about anything that happens with this case , so maybe I can get your number ? " " Yeah , are you really surprised ? Change was never really my thing . I cried like a baby the whole ride to my new school after we broke up because I thought for sure my life was going to fall apart . " " Really ? You never cried in front of me so I 'm surprised to hear that . . . " She couldn 't remember him being anything but happy , no less crying . " Anyways , my number has changed a few times since college and so has my phone so let me get your number again and we can keep in touch . " By the end of the night , Scarlett was in another hotel , about to take a bath when she remembered the phone number inked on her hand . With her new - found confidence , she noticed that she was debating calling Scott to catch up , something she never would 've done six months ago . Even though she was not interested in dating anyone for a long time , she would still like to catch up with the newly handsome friend and officer who made the process of dealing with police easier . On the other hand , she was a little worried . She wondered if it would mean more to him than it would to her and she had trouble making up her mind . " Hi Scott . This is Scarlett , " she started again , " I just wanted to touch base and see if you 'd be available for coffee sometime . It 's been a long time since we 've talked and I 'd like to catch up . So , give me a call when you get a chance . Bye . " " No you 're fine . I was just talking with my brother so I silenced the ring . What 's up ? Is everything ok ? I listened to your voicemail and you sounded kind of nervous . " " Oh , yeah everything is fine ! " She said with confidence for the first time in a long time . " I 'm just pretty open for the foreseeable future and was hoping to catch up about something other than serial killers and all the other negativity . Would you be available sometime this week ? " " Oh good . Well I 'm available now if you 're not busy . There 's this café on Main that has the best coffee , especially the hazelnut . " Scarlett found herself grinning that he remembered how much she loved hazelnut coffee . " So , " he continued , " You up for it ? " " Vince ? Like your brother Vince ? " Scarlett stuttered a little . She knew he had a brother but never met him and certainly hadn 't expected to today . She regretted not putting makeup on with the goddess standing next to him . " Yes ma ' am that 's me ! It 's very nice to meet you . This is my wife , Carol , and this is her café so , welcome ! " Scarlett shook Carol 's hand before they got called away by a frantic cashier and Scott led her back to the table . She playfully scolded him for not telling her she 'd be meeting his brother . He responded that it was about time anyway . She laughed before saying , " I agree . It 's been a long and crazy road so far . This is the first time I 've gotten to relax in a long time . " " Hey , my family and I are going out to dinner for Vince 's birthday in a couple of days . It would be really great if you could join us . I know they 'll enjoy your company as much as I have today . " He walked her back to the hotel and once she got to her room , Scarlett plopped backwards onto the bed . She felt like she was in high school again and she was crushing on the cute guy in class . Only this time , the cute guy might like her back . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
I woke up at 6am to my wonderful , trusty Chihuahua alarm and as I entered the kitchen , I found Big Guy pouring me a cup of OJ . Then I slipped on my sloggers , ( rubber garden slippers for those of you who aren 't garden savvy ) and took out my furry alarm to potty . When I finally joined Big Guy in the family room , we enjoyed our coffee while watching the morning news . When I was about 10 years old , ( keep in mind I had just heard a Miss America contestant say she wanted peace and love for the whole world ) , I thought how wonderful it would be if everyone could live in a nice home , have a dappled pony and eat chocolate pudding with candy sprinkles for breakfast every morning . In other words , I envisioned a perfect world , ( and not just because of my OCD ) , where every living quarters looked the same , every person wore the same outfit and all we had to do was push a button to be automatically served any kind of food we wanted . Kind of like Star Trek ! I lived in one of the smallest and oldest homes in town and there were quite a few homes like mine sprinkled throughout , but there were also some really nice , newer and much larger homes as well . I spent days dreaming about and drawing pictures of my ideal home ; a home where everyone had their own bedroom and bathroom so they wouldn 't need to share or worry if the hot water was gone after waiting for a turn in the bathtub . I had never actually been in a home that had more than one bathroom , but had heard they existed . I knew our old Betsy Lou was not a great looking car but it got us safely from point A to point B . It didn 't have air - conditioning and I really wanted a car that had air - conditioning like my friend 's did . Dreams of a brand new 1970 , hot pink - flocked Mach 1 Mustang with a front air scoop and rumbling V - 8 , hadn 't happened yet . I also knew that most of my clothes and toys were second hand - hand - me - downs or bought as birthday and Christmas gifts from rich relatives . The Sears " Dream " Catalog was exactly that ; a dream ! We always had great food to eat though . My grandma made the best meals of any that I had ever eaten . No matter where we went to eat on Mother 's Day , which was just about the only day of the year we didn 't eat at home , there wasn 't one place that cooked food as good as my grandma . I thought how wonderful it could be if I could just share her cooking with the whole world ; if every day could be Sunday Dinner at grandma 's house ; if her incredible home - made chocolate cake or apple pie could just magically appear with the push of a button . I realize now just how silly this whole idea was . I know that there are still people , whole communities of people , who don 't have hot water much less a bath tub to put it in , but it 's the culture they live in and they have lived that way for centuries . I know that there are people who don 't own nor have they ever owned a vehicle much less one with air - conditioning ; my friend in Holland for one , who rides a bicycle or takes the public transit . As for ponies , I 'm sure there are plenty of people who own computers who have never even seen a live pony . And as for " perfect houses " , I couldn 't even tell you what a perfect house consists of today since a person 's home is the nest that they feather and everyone feather 's there 's differently . Of course there was never a way until Facebook and Pinterest that I could clone my grandma 's cooking or at least come close to making it possible to share it with the whole world ! But this I know for certain . . . Star Trek is not real . For some of you Trekkies this may be hard to swallow but it really is just a TV show from the 60 's . Think about it ; everyone has these perfect bodies with outfits that all look the same , they all sleep in the same little cabin 's with very little personal effects and they all work for the United Federation of Planets . They all get to push buttons for any thing they need and no one ever has to worry about medical care because Dr . McCoy can laser you and make you instantly healthy . Where do the goods , building materials , etc . come from and who does all of the work gathering these things , building these things and operating them ? Do they just collect a lot of weird space rocks that are valuable to Ferengi and then trade for stuff ? Or maybe they have robots do everything but somebody had to build the robots at least until the robots could start building themselves and that 's a scary plot to a really good movie starring Will Smith . On Star Trek the incentive for a job well done always means " Vacation " time on some exotic planet with half naked but extremely perfect looking people who cater to your every need . No one ever buys anything but sometimes they go exploring and find some strange artifact to take back to the ship . Then the artifact ends up being a scary alien and invading and , well it just would never work . We have to be paid for a job and we have to be able to buy things with our earnings . And we all must do this ! Why you ask ? Why must we all work and be paid and then spend what we are paid to get what we want , desire , choose , need or just have to have ? Because if these things are just given to us , we will have no appreciation for them . And what incentive would there be for those who create , serve , build , nurse , doctor , teach , etc . , if the reward was the same every time for everyone ? That sounds more to me like the " Collective " and that 's one scary Borg Queen who like it or not is insisting that you will be assimilated because resistance is futile ! When I was about 4 , I tried to off myself by flinging my small body from the swing I was soaring in , onto the hard dirt ground . I think I thought if I went high enough , I could fly . I obviously survived with only a broken arm and a slightly bruised spirit . Then there was the time when I was walking home from school , I believe the same year as the heel hanging performance , and this was probably when I first discovered my OCD as well . Because I was so worried about stepping on any cracks in the sidewalk , I didn 't look up in time to stop myself from walking head first into a hard metal sign post . Do the lyrics , " You can ring my bell - e - ell , ring my bell ! " , mean anything to you ? Well , they did to me ! About 2 years ago I tried again to break my head open while changing a light bulb above the kitchen island . I stepped off the wrong side of my small utility ladder and flew headfirst into the edge of our oak breakfast table . That took a few stitches right above the right eyebrow and I had a great " Pirate " scar for months after . Every Fall season I get a terrible hankerin ' for a big , juicy , Granny Smith apple dipped in that creamy caramel delight and hardened just enough to almost pull your fillings out . On this particular day I had made several of these wonderful mouth watering orbs and had decided to remove them from the plate I had placed them on in the fridge to harden . Big Guy had left earlier to meet up with our set - up crew for a church festival that we were working and beside 's the FooFoo girls and Rocky , I was at home alone . So here I am , I have the plate of yummy apples sitting on the kitchen counter and I try pulling them off by their sticks first . When that doesn 't work , ( at this moment I 'm wishing I had used a lot more butter on the plate ) , I decide to try prying them up with something but looking around I 'm not sure with what . I scream like a banshee , ( in Irish folklore : a spirit in the form of a wailing woman who appears to or is heard by members of a family as a sign that one of them is about to die ) only in my case , I 'm the one dying and there are no family members to witness it , as the knife slips past the apple and into my hand . The knife 's tip has penetrated deep , barely missing the Radial Artery , which is the main blood flow that comes from the arm and circulates blood throughout your hand . I quickly yank the knife out which allows blood to spurt across my kitchen counter but try to keep it away from the caramel apples , ( even though I may be moments from death , I 'm still thinking of sweet stuff ) . Feeling like I am going to pass out , I grab the nearest towel , wrap it around my bleeding hand and hold my arm above my head . Then with my right hand I reach for my cell phone , which luckily for me was on the counter just a foot away , and I start to call Big Guy . I stop before pushing the speed dial , however , when I realize he would probably panic if I told him I was bleeding and I didn 't want him to drive like a maniac to try and save me , so instead I speed dial our crew chief , Kenny . This is how the conversation with him went : Me : " No , no you 're just fine but would you say you 're close to the house by any chance ? " , I ask now trying to balance the phone between my right shoulder and ear so I can turn on the faucet and get cold water to wet another towel to catch the blood now flowing down my left arm . " Could you stop by here first ? " Kenny : " Is there something wrong ? " Kenny just hollers at me from his cell phone which he probably has dropped in his lap , to hang in there and that he 'll be there shortly . As I try and put the now throbbing and still bleeding left hand into the sink under the cold running water , I feel myself again starting to pass out . I re - wrap the hand and place it above my head once more . Then I hear a car pull up in front and people running up the sidewalk to the door . Kenny opens the door and comes quickly to the kitchen with Jen and kids following right behind . He assesses the damage to my hand , tells me I 'm lucky it pierced me where it did and not a fourth of an inch to the left and then let 's me know that I will live this time . Soon I 'm no longer bleeding like a sieve , hand bandaged really tight and ready to roll . So as I sit here with this pain in my hand , I wonder if God didn 't spare me in order to keep me around as a lesson to others . Here are the lessons I feel I should share : Oh , and you 're probably wondering how I finally removed those stuck caramel apples aren 't you ? You know I did ! Well , after Kenny left and I had sterilized my kitchen thoroughly , I went back to the apples that had been sitting out for well over an hour by now and discovered that the caramel had softened just enough to allow the apples to be pulled off of the plate by their sticks . Duh ! This past weekend we celebrated my Big Guy 's birthday . I woke up early and got busy making Big Guy 's favorite cake ; German Chocolate . I let him sleep in . We were lucky enough to be seated in a booth right under a lovely art photo taken in an area where my Big Guy grew up . The photo depicted a beautiful sunrise over the flint - rocked hills as seen looking out from between some trees and over an old , barbed wire fence . It was truly a vision of " God 's Country " which was what my Big Guy always called this area . Big Guy immediately checked to see that the waitress was Ok , since the brunt of that very hot water had tipped over on her hand as she had tried to catch it before it fell . Then every other waitress / waiter headed to her rescue and helped clean up the mess . Each one noticed the water splattered on his shirt and asked my Big Guy if he was Ok and of course he wouldn 't even acknowledge that it had touched him , much less the fact that he had been burned . Anyway , breakfast continued and Big Guy seemed pleased then we paid the bill , left a good tip and were headed for the parking lot where he beat me to the passenger door and had it open and waiting for me to climb in . When we were finally seated in the truck , I asked him how he would like to spend his day and he said maybe we could go play Bingo . Bingo ! We hadn 't played Bingo in years . In fact , I can count on one hand the times we had played in the past twenty five years . During my second year of college , we had become good friends due to many theater play 's we were part of and the fact that we were also the college billiard champs and spent a lot of time together playing in tournaments and practicing . One time while we were at another college tournament , Big Guy asked if I would ever consider going out with him on a date ; a real date and not just to play pool to practice for a tournament . It didn 't take a second for me to tell him , " I would like that very much ! " . I had already become terribly fond of him by now and could tell by his subtle teasing that he liked me too . Excited about our date , I asked a friend if she could babysit my three children for the evening and then commenced to try on an assortment of outfits until something finally made me feel date - worthy . I even fussed over hair and make - up , which for me was normally only done during college plays . I was a no - fuss , no - frills kinda gal but I hadn 't been on a real date probably ever so I wanted to look nice . Of course I didn 't know much about Bingo since the only time I had ever played was in grade school for a holiday party and we were given dry beans as markers . I didn 't win either since I was too shy to yell out even if I had a Bingo and the prizes were always a new pencil or an eraser . But he seemed so confident that we would have fun and continued to assure me that there would be lot 's of people there in their twenties like us . I laughed as the lady selling the cards explained that this was " Senior Citizen Night " and then she admitted to Big Guy that there were just a few young people who attended even on regular nights so it was almost always Senior Citizen Night . When Big Guy explained to the lady that we were on our first date , she allowed us to play anyway and then she told the fellow with the microphone who called the numbers and he shared that information with the entire room . We had so much fun with all of those elderly people who smiled sweetly at us throughout the evening and though neither of us Bingo 'd , it was the best date ever ! So here we are , nearly thirty years later , planning another Bingo date . But Bingo wouldn 't be starting for at least another two hours , so to kill some time , we drove out to our farmstead and walked around , enjoying the gorgeous spring weather and looking over the blooming annuals and Red Bud trees . Then Big Guy suggested we go back into town and check out an auction down the street from the Bingo hall . Even though we arrived hours after the auction had started , there were many interesting things left including some antique items , hand made quilts and vintage clothing . After looking through the musty smelling , but beautiful old quilts , we gravitated towards a table with shallow boxes full of costume jewelry . I picked up a really pretty pink necklace and showed it off to Big Guy , who insisted on bidding on it for me . I told him not to bid more than eight dollars for it but he won it for ten . After deciding there was nothing else we wanted to bid on , we payed for the necklace and headed back to the truck . As I climbed into my seat , Big Guy again holding the door open for me , I glanced into the visor mirror to look at the necklace . Suddenly I notice a small tiny black bug , crawling slowly on my neck . I screamed and pinched the bug between my thumb and forefinger and jumping out of the truck I flung it into the air and shook my whole entire body wildly . I 'm sure , anyone watching probably thought I was having some kind of a fit or seizure ! My Big Guy came running and I told him that we needed to go home immediately . I didn 't know what Bed Bugs looked like , but now I was certain I had them . Poor Big Guy kept trying to assure me it was probably just a bug from the farm but I was so convinced it was a Bed Bug from all those smelly old quilts and when we got home I stripped my clothes off and tossed them in the laundry , jumped in the shower and scrubbed my head and body frantically . Then when I was done , I had him look me over , head to toe to make certain there was nothing crawling on me anywhere . He joked about me inspecting him as well so I told him that wasn 't a bad idea since he had also been looking at those old quilts . When he removed his shirt , to his dismay , I screamed again and plucked another bug just like the one I had found on me , off of his bare chest . I tossed it quickly into the toilet and flushed and then insisted he shower as well . In an hour , we had showered , washed our clothes and inspected each other thoroughly for any more bugs and then when finally satisfied that they were all gone , we were off to play Bingo . Bingo was like we had remembered . Mostly all old people . I stared at the young couple who were seated across the room from us and smiled as their expressions changed while they played their cards together . I even won a game but only because I switched cards with Big Guy right as the game was starting , but don 't worry , I gave him the winning money since it should have been his BingoThree things I learned this weekend : First and because I 've had time to look them up , the bugs were not Bed Bugs but merely small American Spider Beetles and could have come from anywhere and are basically harmless . Second , when Big Guy and I go to Bingo from now on , we are no longer considered young people , but still find ourselves having just as much fun . The song " Oh Danny Boy " will always cause my throat to close tight and eyes to tear . As I sit here today trying to put my morning thoughts in order , I hear this familiar and oh so lovely Irish tune being sang incredibly by the Celtic Woman . I wish I could tell you the whole story of why this song has a special place in my heart , but for now I 'll just give you the short version . Danny was my little brother . He was born when I was about three years old in 1961 and sadly died six years ago in 2006 . He had a very troubled childhood that continued into his teenage years . Soon after his eighteenth birthday , he set out to find our father who lived at that time in California . When he arrived in California , unfortunately , he was involved in a very bad car accident that almost took his life ; in many ways it actually did take his life but not in the ways we normally think . He was injured so badly in the accident that he would never again walk , be able to feed himself , dress himself or hold a normal conversation . You might think that his life story found him to be a hero in some way since most stories about those who have had their lives altered by tragedy usually come out later as victorious in some aspect , but not in Danny 's case . The hero 's in his life story were people who cared for him and took so much time from their own lives to show him love and give quality and dignity to his life . I don 't know why his short life was so different than mine . I don 't know what makes a person born in the arms of a loving , caring mother , different from another person born in those same loving arms . I don 't know why some people have a different outlook on life than another who comes from the same family with the same upbringing . All I know is many years ago , I had a little brother who I played Tonka trucks and Hide and Seek in the backyard with and now he is in Heaven . I will never forget him and will continue to tear up and become speechless when I hear the song , " Oh Danny Boy " . A fun poem to read to your kids or you can just read it to yourself if you like . Who knows , you might relate if you 've ever eaten spicy Szechuan Beef just before going to sleep ! Galloping Grasshoppers and Jockey Ants Well this may surprise you , but it all started one beautiful , starry filled night as we were traveling down a dark and desolate road in the Flint Hills . I was driving and he was in the passenger seat , which for my Big Guy is very uncomfortable since he likes to have control , but I insisted on driving this particular time . I had heard earlier that day about the Aurora Borealis being seen from our area if you could get to just the right location . I know we are about a million miles away from the Arctic Region , where this breath taking phenomenon occurs on a fairly regular basis , but a little country gal can hope ! In the early morning hours of the night before last , I woke to a very strange sound . I thought I heard the baby gate fall and CRASH , the sound of multiple , foofoo doggie toenails TICK - TICK - TICKING on the laminate hallway floor and the quiet M - O - A - NING of someone who may have been in pain . As I laid in bed trying to decide whether to go back to sleep or allow my curiosity to continue to keep me awake , the moaning finally subsided , and so did the toenail ticking ; but I couldn 't stop worrying about the baby gate . For a few nights , off and on , I had placed a baby gate across the door way at the end of the hall so Cookie could not roam freely throughout our home during the night . That way I could leave our bedroom door open to allow the heat to distribute better . I read somewhere that it saved on heating cost . The baby gate was purchased for $ 19 . 99 plus tax just 2 years ago and I really liked the easy access lever , ( I highly recommend it for anyone with small children or four - footed furballs ) , anyway , I hoped I wouldn 't have to replace it . So my curiosity won the " to sleep or not to sleep " battle and I crawled out of bed . Upon reaching the end of the hall , I could hear the early news playing on TV and see my big Guy sitting in his Tall - Man Lazy Boy out in the Family room watching it . The baby gate was leaning against the wall near the hall doorway , where it normally is placed when not being used . As I approached my Big Guy , I asked him what had happened and he began to fill me in on his awful ordeal . I walked back over to the gate , examining it closely and then the doorway . " It looks like you pulled some of the trim off the bottom of this doorway , Hon ! " I exclaimed . " Died ! " I looked across at him , " How silly , you didn 't even fall as far as I did that time when I was changing the light bulb in the Kitchen ceiling light and stepped backwards off the wrong side of the ladder , remember how I hit my head on the table on the way down and bled all over the floor ? Now that was closer to dead ! " I countered with my bottom lip somewhat protruding too as I nodded to him . He was being so silly and I knew that was my cue to jump in his lap and hug his neck , giving him a sweet , sloppy kiss . Soon he was hugging me with those Big Guy arms of his and we were laughing . And this is what made me think of that night in the Flint Hills as we drove down a dark desolate dirt road . As I said , I am not usually the romantic one of this relationship but this particular night I really wanted to see those Northern Lights and thought it would be fun to share them with my Big Guy . So after supper I suggested we go for a little drive and I said I wanted to drive . He reluctantly agreed and soon we were on that dark , desolate road , deep in the Flint Hills , exactly where , I wasn 't sure . I just kept driving , looking for a perfect spot with a view that I could see the vision of beauty I had hoped to see . But it wasn 't working out very well and every time I slowed down to check a spot , Big Guy would get really tense and ask if I had a reason for wanting to be out there , and if there was something he should be looking for too . As we traveled even farther and he kept asking , I kept answering that I would let him know when I found it . It didn 't occur to me what this poor man was thinking . Then finally , after driving for almost an hour and not seeing anything that remotely came close to the Aurora Borealis , I finally pulled over and stopped . Then my Big Guy who was looking at me wide eyed , quietly but frankly asked this question : " Are you going to kill me ? " As I finally composed myself enough to speak again , I explained about the Aurora Borealis and how I was hoping to surprise him . I told of how I had hoped we would snuggle together on a blanket at the top of a hill , really romantic like , and enjoy the beauty of the light show with him . Finally he breathed a sigh of relief and we laughed about the whole thing together . I repeated all the way home , while he drove this time , just how much I loved the big dope and how silly he was for thinking such a horrible thing , but I knew where he got the idea . When Big Guy and I were first married , we lived in a house across the street from a fairly famous police officer . The crime this police officer was instrumental in solving ended up as a made for TV movie . The movie was about a real life murder that happened in the town we were living at that time . If you ever get the chance to watch , " Murder Ordained " , you will understand why my Big Guy would think what he was thinking . As for surprising my Big Guy like that again , you bet I did and what a great story I have to tell you about in another post ! The wind has blown hard here this past week , with gusts of up to 50 miles per hour . We were lucky that the closest of last week 's tornadoes touched down about 40 miles southeast of us , but so sad for the people who lost their lives or homes . Living in the Midwest for nearly my entire life , I can tell you a thing or two about wind and tornadoes . I can tell you I 'm thankful this area is lush with farmland crops and tall grass for if it were desert , we would be living like prairie dogs and building our homes out of dirt . Davy Jones of the Monkees was the heart throb of every young girl in the mid to late 60 's and the Monkees were a hit TV series about four funny guys , trying to make it onto the Rock ' n Roll scene . Even though the TV series only lasted two short seasons , it left many of my generation singing song 's like , " Daydream Believer " and " I 'm not your Stepping Stone " , for years to come . I even had a Monkees record , " The Last Train to Clarksville " , that had been cut off of the back of an Alpha - Bit 's cereal box . Of course after it had been played redundantly for a week or so , the needle had dug a deep groove into the cardboard and instead of Micky Dolenz , Peter Tork and Michael Nesmith 's clear , high pitched back - up vocals singing , " Oh No - No - No . . . " , mine now played a slow and garbled , " Ohhhh . . . Noooo . . . Noooo . . . Noooo . . . " . Eventually the small cardboard record became useless , was thrown away and forgotten by me until now . Because now , in between the tornado warnings , I hear remnants of the familiar Monkees tunes being played in tribute . It 's strange how some memories can be triggered due to tragedy , and even stranger that memories of a particular time in my life seem to be intertwined with the events going on now . On June 9th of 1967 the Monkees appeared at the Hollywood Bowl to begin their first tour and on that same day an F2 tornado tore through our town , removing roofs off of houses and uprooting trees everywhere . One person died and many were injured . I can remember almost every detail as if it had happened yesterday . I was just about to turn nine years old and was hoping to have a birthday wish fulfilled . My dream of having a real pony was the one dream I wished would come true . As I played in the front yard , pretending to ride my new pony , I heard my grandma calling from her front porch . What seemed to last for a long time , actually was over with - in a few short minutes . Grandpa looked out one of the small basement windows before heading back upstairs , much to grandma 's disapproval , then I shot past grandma who was now standing guard again at the top of the stairs . I ignored her warning cries for me to come back . My grandpa opened the front door , only to find the tree in front of the porch had been uprooted , mangled and was now laying on the roof . Grandpa pushed back limbs in order to get outside and when I pushed through to join him , we both stood looking out at what had just a few minutes before , been a neighborhood of neatly manicured lawns , quaint and cared for houses ; a neighborhood to be proud of . The street was covered in tree limbs and a neighbors car was no longer in their driveway but could be seen at the end of the block , on it 's side . The yards were littered with broken off trees , pieces of shingles and other debris . Some of the neighbors that had also taken cover , were now coming out to assess the damage . Many were coming together in the middle of the street and some got busy immediately , like my grandpa , removing the limbs and debris from the street and making piles on front lawns . Sirens could be heard in the distance from police and other emergency vehicles . Faces were somber as neighbors discussed the electricity being down and telephone lines as well . Thankfully the tornado had hit during daylight hours and just as quickly as the dark clouds had rolled in , they had now rolled out and the sun was showing itself again . I discovered a mama bat clinging to a tree branch in Grandpa 's front yard . Sadly , the three tiny babies that she must have tried to protect under her small wings , didn 't survive . We found something to collect the bat 's small , weakened body into and quickly went to look through our primitive form of " Google " known as an encyclopedia , in order to learn how to care for the bat . That night we went to sleep by candle light and sometime the next morning the electricity was restored . In the days to follow , we visited our cousins who lived on the other side of town in a newer housing area . The tornado had lifted the entire roof off of their beautiful new ranch style home and placed it in their backyard as if removing a lid off of a pot . Many of their neighbor 's homes were completely devastated and yet there would be a single home in the midst of all the destruction , that was hardly touched . Everyone was sad for the loss of items dear to them but so grateful to be alive . A few weeks passed by and soon we had decided the small mama bat was strong enough to release back into the world where she belonged . I placed the bat high on the trunk of our largest cottonwood tree , then laid back on the grass at the foot of the tree and watched as the bat slowly climbed the trunk . There was almost no sign of debris left by the tornadoes destructive path . Rebuilding , patching roofs and landscaping was well underway . My ninth birthday had even come and gone and although I had dreamed of a pony , I received a toy Pokey horse minus his pal Gumby . Not the pony I had hoped for but a pony never - the - less . I watched until the bat , now almost too high in the tree to see , flapped her wings and flew away . Then the months passed and soon an entire year had gone by . There had been other tornado warnings but none that touched down near our town . The Monkees were now ending their second TV season and I often woke up in the morning hearing my mama belting out the chorus , " Cheer up sleepy Jean , Oh what can it mean to a Daydream Believer . . . " only she would alter the lyrics by changing Cheer with Wake and use my name instead of Jean . But that wasn 't the tune I woke up to on this hot July , Sunday morning . " Happy Birthday to you , happy birthday to you ! Happy birthday . . . " my mama was singing to me as I rubbed my eyes and tried to see through a mess of auburn hair covering my face . I stretched and yawned then finally pushed the hair aside to see her smile as she said , " Wake up Susie Q , we have things to do , places to go and people to see . " She often called me Suzie Q , an endearment that I rejected . I constantly told her that I preferred " George " but then she would remark , " Ok Georgie Girl " , determined to remind me of my gender . Us tomboy 's had to have a good , guy nickname and since my best friend 's nickname was Sam , I was George . I sat up in bed and watched as my mama disappeared through the door and into the kitchen now humming the tune of " Hey there Georgie Girl " . The mint green walls of my small bedroom were glowing due to the sunshine leaking in between the slightly parted curtains that hung on the north window . It would be another hot one today and at this early in the morning I could already feel the sun burning through the window with nary a breeze or breath of any air to be felt . My mama slept in the living room on a sofa and gave us kids the only two bedrooms ; she always put our needs first . I didn 't realize or understand her selfless sacrifice until many years later , after becoming a mother myself . As a child I guess we just don 't consider these things and I was so happy to finally have my own bedroom since I had shared a room with my younger brother and sister as long as I could remember . The small mint green room had been my older sister Kathy 's bedroom , but she had moved out when she turned eighteen earlier that year . Kathy had started working as a projectionist at the local movie theater and her boss allowed her to rent a small apartment in back . Sam and I loved to visit Kathy and since Sam was the theater owner 's daughter , we spent a lot of time climbing the cat walks behind the stage and watching matinees from the third story balcony that was closed off from the public . Sam had been my best friend for almost a year and we were inseparable . We both played guitar and harmonized , singing the song Kumbaya once for our grade school 's PTA meeting . We played on the same girls softball team that summer , the Boyd Oilers , started dressing alike , and even had the same short , boy - cut , hair . My mama wasn 't any to happy about Sam 's dad cutting my hair that spring , not because he almost clipped my ear off in the process , but because she had worked hard to keep my long locks to help give me some aspect of femininity that I sorely lacked . We spent countless hours together pretending to be cowboys and dressing the part with our blue jean cut - off shorts , bright red bandanna 's and cowboy hats . We would fold up blankets to make saddles and drape them over the railing of Sam 's front porch then tie a belt in the front for the reins . Together we would ride our " porch rail ponies " across a make believe prairie . I was hoping that we could take Sam with us to Leonard 's farm , but it was Sunday and we were leaving right after church . Leonard was a wonderful man who had been dating my mama for almost two years . I had introduced him to my mama at my school carnival after she had told me she would only remarry if she met a " tall , dark and handsome " man . When I saw Leonard at the ticket booth , I thought he fit her description perfectly . He was tall compared to my mama who only stood about 5 foot and his skin was very dark due to his farmers tan and as for handsome , I thought he was handsome so after he answered no to my query as to whether he was married , I grabbed his hand and quickly led him to my very embarrassed mama , telling her , " Mama , I found you a man that 's tall , dark and handsome ! " . The rest was history . Leonard owned a farm near a tiny town about a half hour south of ours . He had cows and sheep and rabbits . He was part of the reason I dreamed of having a pony someday . I loved to visit the farm and couldn 't wait to see Leonard either . We stopped at the theater to pick up Kathy who always sat in the co - pilot 's seat and mama , of course , was the pilot . I often pretended we were actually in an airplane and on our way to some magical land , places I had only heard about in books or movies . I loved to look out of the Chevy 's big back window , bending my head as far back as it could go until I see nothing but the sky . " I 'll be travelling up there with you someday , I just know it ! " , I told a group of puffy clouds that passed by . I dreamed of flying to Holland and picking tulips for my grandma . I dreamed of windmills and wooden shoes and visiting Sweden too , that 's where my grandma 's parents had come from . I hoped to fly all over the world someday . I also dreamed of going to Disneyland and seeing all the wonders I had only seen through my View - Master and Disney photo reels - a Christmas present from my cousin who lived in California . Dreams of so many places to see by a small town girl who just turned ten . As we drove into the dusty dirt driveway and rounded the side of Leonard 's old farm house , I noticed an unfamiliar pick - up truck with a small horse trailer in tow . I knew it wasn 't Leonard 's , so I surmised that Leonard had a visitor . The Chevy stopped and almost before the brake was locked , my little brother Danny had flown open the back door and was already running circles in the dirt . My little sister Jill was right behind him and I quickly slipped out of the hot seat too , thankful for the shade of the trees and a very slight country breeze . Leonard was talking to a scruffy - looking old man who walked to the back of the trailer , opened the door and led out the most beautiful pony I had ever seen . She was the color of ginger root and covered all over in tiny silver specks . In the sunlight , her coat was very slick and shiny , her mane and tail a lovely flowing silvery flax . I watched eagerly hoping what I had no right to hope for . " Is she mine ? " I thought , but feeling the unlikeliness of the situation and remembering last years gift of a toy Pokey horse , " No , I 'm sure there 's another reason . " I decided to myself . " Hey Suzie Q , come see what you think of this here horse ! " , Leonard motioned me to join him and my sister Kathy , who was now holding the pony 's reins . The old man was getting into his truck and starting it up . " Think this one will do ? " Leonard asked with a big grin . I had learned to love that grin these past two years and had hoped it would be added permanently to my daily routine someday soon , just like my mama 's morning wake - up songs . I didn 't even mind , for some reason , when he called me Suzie Q . " Happy birthday , Suzy Q ! " Leonard proclaimed , still grinning from ear to ear . " Of course if you don 't like her . . . " , I didn 't give him another second to finish before squealing like a stuck pig and running to hug the neck of the pony , the beautiful pony I had been dreaming of for years . On my last birthday , the first one since my mama and Leonard had started dating , besides the toy Pokey horse , I had also received a guitar . Leonard had gone shopping in the big city with my mama and helped share the cost , but the pony was all from him . I wanted so badly to hug his neck tight and tell him how much I loved him and I wanted the word Daddy to be a part of that , but something inside of me held back . Instead I shot him a more than grateful look and asked if I could ride her . I studied Kathy 's face as she pondered the name Queenie . Her eyes traveled to the back of the pony where I was struggling to climb on . " No , this pony needs her own name . We need to give it more thought . " she said as she helped me onto the pony 's back . Mama laughed and then agreed that I was definitely Patsy Montana before telling me again to park the pony and come in to eat . My mama had played the part of Patsy Montana in a remake of Buffalo Bill 's Wild West Show when she was just a young girl about my age . She could yodel and play the guitar while singing and we loved listening to her . I tried to yodel like her but never could get it right . " I hope you are mature enough to understand the value in this gift . " she warned as I began to slowly pull off the bow and unwrap the beautiful paper . I opened the small box and there inside was a ring . It was gold and had a small red stone in the center . It was beautiful as it sparkled in the light . As I slipped it on my finger she continued to tell me about the importance of the gem . " It 's your birthstone , ruby , for the month of July . I know it 's a little big but that 's so you 'll grow into it . " . It was pretty loose on my biggest middle finger but I loved it and felt like I must have done something really good to deserve such a wonderful birthday . First the pony of my dreams and now a real ring ! The only ring I had ever had til now , had come from a penny gum machine . We headed back into town right after supper ; mama didn 't want to drive after dark . I had said goodbye to my pony and wondered what I would name her . I couldn 't wait til the next weekend when we could come back . I stared at the ruby ring on my finger and thought about my dreams that were coming true . I barely heard the conversation between my mama and sister in the front seat and hardly noticed the fight that was ensuing on the seat beside me between my little brother and sister over a pillow . Again my eyes were turning towards the skies where a thick cloud was creeping near . I wondered if on my next birthday more dreams would come true , if Leonard would be my tall , dark and handsome daddy , if I would be flying to the land of windmills and wooden shoes , but just as I began listening to my sister singing , " I 'm a Believer " , along with the car radio , an announcer interrupts with a warning that conditions are favorable for a tornado and mama says , " Here we go again ! " . |
The first thing I have to say about this book is that it 's kind of short - I know 200 pages aren 't that short , but if it had been longer the story would have had the space and time to evolve into something even better . Don 't get me wrong - I really enjoyed this book , I just wish it was longer , more detailed and that the relationship between James and Kara would have had the time to bloom . I think the story is very intriguing , most of us already know about the incredible wonders of Wonderland and this story , somehow , takes that world to another level . I have never read a steampunk book before , but I dare say that I quite enjoyed it . I liked that only the first chapter took place in " our " world and the rest of the book is set within the borders of Wonderland . I loved how the characters from the original story was human 's in this one , but still had some of the quirkiness that identifies them as a creature of Wonderland . I loved the Hatter ( I always love Mad Hatter ) I just wish we saw more of him - but he 's not that important in this story , so I will let it slide . I loved the fact that this wasn 't a story about love . I love reading love stories but I also love reading books with only a sprinkle of love instead of a whole pile of it . I loved that it took a while for James and Kara to for starters realize it and let alone act on it . I gave this book 3 hearts since I enjoyed it quite a lot , but still felt a little something was missing . This is the first chapter from Gears of Wonderland . It 's the only chapter that 's set in " our " world , and introduces the main character ( along with his not - so - nice fiancee and boss ) . He cursed his luck as he typed . Officially , he 'd started his vacation two hours ago . Three hours ago , if you counted his plan to leave work early so he could be home in time to finish packing . But as he had shut down his computer , his boss , Ian , had dumped a pile of work on him , work that he 'd quickly discovered were reports Ian should have completed . James worked frantically , the clatter of the keyboard echoing throughout the empty office . Forty - five minutes later , he typed the final words on the last report and hit ' Send . ' He sighed with relief . They weren 't perfect , but they would do . He 'd been afraid he was going to be stuck in the office until midnight . At least he was going to have time to finish packing . As he threw his few personal items into his bag , he glanced at the calendar on the rear wall of his cubicle . Seeing the next two weeks blocked out with ' Holiday ' gave him a feeling of comfort . His fiancée had been pushing for the trip for months , and his agreement had changed their conversations from how much she wanted to go , to what they should do when they went - a much more pleasant topic . Then , he noticed the note he 'd scrawled on the calendar for today . His heart leapt into his throat . The parcel ! He 'd forgotten all about it in the mad rush of the afternoon . The other reason he 'd planned to leave early was to intercept it before Laura got home . The bus ride seemed to take forever . A glance at his phone as he got off the bus confirmed that it was almost eight thirty . He hoped Laura had gone out with her friends for after - work drinks when he 'd messaged her that he would be late . It was the only way he would get home before she did . Rounding the corner onto his street , he breathed a sigh of relief . The lights in the small flat they shared were off . He was safe . Then , he realized he was looking at the wrong flat . His heart sank when he saw the lights of his own flat . Laura was home . James climbed the stairs to the front door with trepidation . Outside the door , he took a deep breath , forcing himself to relax . Maybe the parcel hadn 't arrived . Maybe Laura had ignored it , seeing that it was addressed to him . Maybe everything would be all right . He opened the door , and stepped inside . The open box on the floor of the lounge room told him it wasn 't going to be all right . Laura was sitting on the edge of the sofa , still dressed in her work clothes . She had a calm expression on her face , although she sat stiffly . His purchase rested on the coffee table in front of her . " When we talked about it last time , you promised you would give it up . For me . For us . That you 'd get rid of your childish habits and stop playing silly games . You agreed that you would put it behind you . " He looked at the boxed chess set . He had paid a lot of money for it . The pieces were Swarovski crystal with flecks of red or white marble in the tops , and the board was made of etched glass with intricate patterns around the outside . He had stumbled across it online by accident and been captivated by its beauty . The plan had been to keep it hidden at work , so she wouldn 't find out about it . " I 'm sorry . I didn 't buy it to play , I swear . I thought the set looked pretty , so I got it to - " " How many times do I have to tell you , James ? We 've been over this before . Chess is a game . Only children and pathetic no - hopers play games . " Laura stood and put her hand gently on his cheek , her voice softening . " You 're twenty - four now , an adult , soon to be married to a wonderful woman who wants only the best for you . It 's time to grow up and act your age . I know growing up can be hard sometimes , and we have to give up the things we loved when we were kids , but as an adult , we get lots of new fun things to do . You 'll do this little thing for your fiancée , won 't you ? " James sighed internally . His inner voice wanted him to stand up for himself and argue with her , tell her that it was his chess set , and he 'd keep it if he wanted . But he knew that if he did , the fight would go on for hours . And he 'd ultimately give in , anyway . He always did . " I know you 're weak , James . " She gave him a peck on his cheek . " That 's why you have me to be strong for you . " She picked up the chess set and walked toward the door . " I 'll put this in my car and dispose of it in the morning before we leave . We don 't want to keep it in the flat , do we ? " Laura shook her head . " No , the only way you 'll become strong enough to resist your urges is by learning that if you waste your money on things like this , it 's gone for good . You need to learn your lesson properly . It 's best for both of us if I get rid of it . " She flashed him another smile , then stepped outside . " Hey , Ian . Don 't worry ; I got your reports done . And I 've left documentation with Al , so if you have any questions while I 'm away , he should have the answers . " " Ah , James , I 'm glad I caught you before I left . Listen , I 'm going to be away next week . Something 's come up , and I have to leave for Hawaii immediately . I need you to come in next week and cover for me . " " What ? But Laura and I are going to France tomorrow . I 've had this vacation booked for months . The hotel is paid for , and I had to make a reservation six months in advance for the restaurant Laura 's been dying to try . I can 't cancel it . " " Sorry , James , but you 'll have to put your holiday on hold . I need you to manage the Henderson project while I 'm gone . Al knows the details , but I need you to provide the guidance . He can 't see the big picture like you can . I 'm counting on you . " Ian cut him off , a hard note audible in his voice . " It 's a simple choice , James . Either you come in to work next week , or you don 't bother coming in to work at all . " Then , his voice softened . " You don 't want to be looking for work in an economy like this , especially with a wedding coming up . " Ian coughed . " Actually , Susan has had to take an emergency vacation . Something about a sick mother to look after . Good luck , James . " Ian hung up . He stared at his cell phone . Susan didn 't have a mother . At least , not one who was alive . He remembered talking with Susan once about their parents , and she had told him her mother had passed away when she was very young , and she had grown up with only her dad . The lying son - of - a - He decided to walk to Melvin 's house . Laura didn 't approve of Melvin - she didn 't approve of much anything James had done or enjoyed before she met him - therefore , he hadn 't seen a lot of Melvin over the past eighteen months , even though Melvin was his oldest friend . Despite the circumstances , he was happy at the chance to see Melvin again for more than a few stolen minutes during his lunch break . After an hour and a half of trudging , Melvin 's building finally came into view . His tiny flat was above an old bicycle shop . Melvin had lived there ever since James had known him , for reasons he couldn 't fathom . The place was a dump . Cold in winter , hot in summer , it had water pipes that spat brown - colored water , and an electrical system he was sure would cause a fire at some point . But Melvin loved the place . He claimed it had ' character . ' James jumped . He hadn 't noticed the man standing on the corner . He wore a white suit , with a wide - brimmed hat that obscured his face with shadow . His voice had a strange accent to it that James couldn 't place . To James 's bemusement , the man was looking at some sort of pocket watch . " Excellent ; I 'm not late . Thank you . " The man adjusted his watch slightly , then flipped the lid shut and put it back into his pocket . He gave James a faint smile , his mouth the only part of his face visible beneath the hat , and leaned back against the building . Chuckling to himself , James crossed the street . The outfit the guy wore was unusual , even for London . It almost looked like a cross between what a nineteen twenties gangster would wear and a suit from Victorian times . And who used a pocket watch in modern society ? He put his thoughts about the man aside when he reached the building with Melvin 's flat and climbed the rusty stairs leading to the front door . He knocked loudly , trying to make himself heard over the loud sounds of the TV coming from within . After a few moments , the volume lowered , and he heard shuffling movements . The door opened slightly , a security chain stopping it from opening far . " James ! " Melvin closed the door to undo the chain , then opened it fully to let him enter . " I wasn 't expecting to see you . Come in , come in . What 's happened ? Is everything all right ? " " Hey , it 's not like that . I broke a promise , and she was upset . Then , my boss called and said I had to go into work next week or I 'd lose my job , even though we 'd already booked a trip to France . So she 's mad about that , and mad that I ordered a chess set after I promised her I would give it up . She wanted to be alone this evening . " Melvin sighed again . " You need to learn to stick up for what you want , James . One day , it will be very important that you do . " Melvin waved his hand . " You know where it is . I 'll make us some coffee . I have a feeling this is going to be a long night . " James stepped into the small bathroom and closed the door . After he had finished relieving himself , he flushed the toilet and washed his hands , drying them on the threadbare hand towel . He was about to go back out into the living area when a loud crash startled him . It sounded as if something had smashed through the front door . " You ! " Melvin 's voice held a combination of surprise and fear . James opened the bathroom door a crack to see what was happening . A giant of a man , almost seven feet tall , stood inside the broken door . A tarnished metal mask covered the man 's face , and he wore black leather gloves and a long brown leather coat with the Ace of Spades symbol clearly embossed on the lapel . His heart skipped a beat when he saw what the intruder held in his hands - two large knives , almost eighteen inches long with the blades curving up slightly to end in a lethal point . They weren 't blades intended for decoration . They were blades designed to kill . Before James could react , the man slashed several times at Melvin 's neck and torso . Blood exploded from Melvin 's body , and he let out a sickening gurgle as he slumped to the ground . The murderer stared at Melvin 's collapsed form for several moments . James took one look at the man who had killed his best friend and did the only thing he could think of . He slammed the bathroom door , flung open the window , and threw himself onto the fire escape . The intruder crashed through the bathroom door , but James was already halfway down the fire escape and running for his life . He 'd hoped the killer would let him escape . After all , as he wore a mask , James couldn 't possibly identify him . But as he reached the bottom of the fire escape , the killer began to follow . For the second time that evening , James cursed the fact that Melvin lived in such a remote area of the city . Anywhere else , there would have been other people around , forcing the murderer to leave him alone . But the deserted street offered no chance of safety . He knew if he went to one of the surrounding houses to get help , he would be dead before anyone could answer the door . That was if they even answered the door . He spied a narrow lane he remembered Melvin leading him through once . They had used the shortcut after going out to grab some takeout food . He risked looking behind him . The murderer was fewer than twenty yards behind and closing in fast . He could see the glint of the knives in the moonlight and knew if the killer caught up with him , he would be as dead as Melvin . He threw himself around the corner into the lane . James braced himself to hit the ground , but the ground seemed to disappear beneath him . He felt as if he had been knocked into a deep hole . Or off a cliff . The man pushed him away , then disappeared in a bright flash of light . It took him a few seconds to realize he hadn 't hit the bottom of the hole . He stopped screaming and began to take notice of his surroundings . Then , he blinked a few times , trying to make sense of what he saw . He noticed a bright light far below him . Focusing on it , he realized with a sinking feeling that the bottom of the hole was fast approaching . He couldn 't make out what he would hit at the bottom . Not that it mattered . He wouldn 't survive landing on anything after falling such a long way . Chapter 2 from Gears of Wonderland , where James finds himself in a strange new place , and makes a new " friend " . We also get to meet the current ruler of Wonderland . You can read chapter 1here . James landed heavily , the fall knocking the wind out of him . The overpowering smell of rotten food and other things he didn 't want to think about assaulted his nose . The sound of indignant squeaks and lots of creatures scurrying away told him he wasn 't the only occupant of whatever he had landed in . He opened his eyes , unable to believe he was still alive after such a fall , then blinked in confusion . " Cops . Gotta get the cops . " He hauled himself out of the garbage pile and shook off the few items clung to his clothes . He pulled out his phone . No service . The woman seemed as surprised to see him as he was to see her . She wore a costume that looked vaguely Victorian , dark blue , with a full skirt but tight bodice . Her long black hair and slim figure suited the costume , but the thick leather belt around her waist with the large leather pouch attached didn 't match the rest of the outfit . But it was probably the perfect place to keep her money and phone . " Please , I need to use your phone . My friend 's been attacked , and I need to call the cops . An ambulance , too . He might still be alive . " The woman looked at him as if he were mad . " Phone ? Cops ? What are you talking about ? " She looked him up and down . " And who the bloody hell are you , anyway ? " He stared at her in disbelief . She was either drunk - although she didn 't sound drunk - or stupid . He was going to have to find someone else to help him . A loud noise interrupted his thoughts . It sounded like a steam train coming down the road . He turned to see a strange sight . Four lights , nothing like the lights of a car , hurtled toward him . The cry of annoyance James had been about to loose died on his lips as the source of the noise became visible . The vehicle was like nothing he 'd ever seen . The shape was similar to a horse - drawn carriage , but instead of the usual wood finishes on the side , the carriage was made from a weird lattice of metal bars meshed together in a way that suggested function , instead of comfort or design , had been the overriding theme . No horses pulled the contraption . Instead , the vehicle had a huge engine on the back , with a smoke stack billowing a noxious black cloud . His nose burned as the smoke reached him . The lights he had seen were lanterns , and they illuminated the carriage enough for him to see the man sitting in the driver 's seat - a man who appeared to be wearing a ' red coat ' British soldier 's uniform from the 19th century . As James tried to take in the strange carriage , he began to notice other details of his surroundings . The street on which he had emerged looked nothing like the main street he expected . The light level was low , with only a handful of street lamps visible , and the street lamps had been replaced with old - style gas lamps more fitting in a museum . They created just enough illumination to make out several of the buildings opposite . Unlike the shops and flats he knew , the buildings were small Victorian terraces . No , that wasn 't right . Paying closer attention , he realized that the details were wrong . They looked more like someone 's idea of what a Victorian terrace house should look like . " Thanks for almost getting me caught , idiot . " The woman fixed him with a contemptuous gaze . " You know there 's a curfew in this section of the city . The guard can execute us on the spot . " The woman rolled her eyes . " You really are a moron , aren 't you ? I should have guessed from your clothes . What are you ? Some village idiot who 's come to the big city to try and make his fortune ? " Suddenly , she grabbed his arm , and before he could react , she pulled on the sleeve near his bicep . The shirt ripped without effort . Her grip on his arm became vice - like . He finally regained his wits . " Hey , let go ! " He managed to wrestle his arm away from her . " Do you have any idea how much this shirt cost ? " He looked at the sleeve to assess the damage . She had almost torn it off . The woman said nothing . Instead , she reached for the pouch on her belt , and pulled out a gun unlike anything he 'd ever seen in magazines or movies . It looked like it belonged in some sort of sci - fi TV show , but it was unmistakably a gun . James quickly raised his hands . " Hey , now , let 's calm down here . There 's no need to get violent . We 're both adults . I 'm sure we can work something out . I don 't have any money , but I have a phone . It 's the latest model . Did you want my phone ? It 's all yours . " " Now , look , I 'm sorry I called what you 're wearing a fancy costume . " He took a step back . " It 's really nice . There 's no need for any of this . I 'll just be on my - " The woman 's voice was hard . " You 're coming with me to see my father right now . If you try to run , I will shoot you . Any more complaining , and I might shoot you anyway . Understand ? " Lahire sat back in the throne , thoughtful as he looked over the dimly lit room . Even in the limited light , the extravagance and splendor of the throne room was obvious . Marble floors and columns , gilding , huge and complex tapestries , and more than a few inlaid gems combined to create a throne room both impressive and fitting for someone of his status . It had brought him a sense of great satisfaction when the new throne room had finally been complete , allowing him to demolish the old room where his mother had held court for the two centuries of her reign . But the joy he normally felt from sitting on his throne and looking out over his creation had faded that evening . He 'd expected Taxard to return from the errand an hour ago , and he didn 't like to be kept waiting . " What sort of complication ? " He leaned forward in annoyance . He didn 't like complications . Complications disrupted the neat order of the society he had forged . " You 're slipping . You 've never left any survivors before . " He waved his hand . " It doesn 't matter . The authorities in that world can do nothing . They may even believe the witness was the one responsible for the murder . " Taxard shifted slightly . Lahire recognized the movement . He had seen it many times from subordinates bringing him bad news . But he had never seen it from Taxard . " You allowed an outsider to come here ? You fool ! Find this man . Find him at once . Mobilize the entire guard and have them do a house - to - house search . This outsider is a threat to the society I have built , and I will not tolerate it . The last thing I need is for the rebels to find him and use him as a symbol to rally behind . Or worse . " Taxard bowed again and swiftly departed the throne room . Lahire glowered after him for a moment , then turned and left the throne room via his private entrance . Taxard had made a mistake , but he knew of another who had some explaining to do . He moved quickly through the castle 's hallways . The sounds of the Heart Guards ' frantic activity filled the castle as they carried out his orders . He was confident the outsider would be found . As long as the outsider hadn 't made contact with the terrorists , everything would be fine . The executioner would do his job , and order in Wonderland would be maintained . He reached his destination and descended the stairs to the lab area he had first created , and since expanded many times , over a century ago . The stairs opened out at the bottom into a huge cavernous room , filled with all manner of devices and sounds . The room was hot , but for once the air wasn 't filled with steam or smoke . Electricity crackled to his left ; however , he walked toward the voice straight ahead . " No , you imbeciles ! I told you to connect the dilator to the converter , not the convector . Are you trying to kill us all ? " A whip cracked loudly , followed by a whimper . " Take it apart and do it again . " Lahire strode past the tables and half - built frames of various creations to the open central area . The thin and hunched form of Dr . Keron stood in front of a large engine of some kind , while two round little men frantically worked on it . Like all of his creations , it looked like a jumbled collection of parts jammed together in the middle of a large metal frame . He had to admit the doctor had produced results over the years . He had designed all the war machines in Lahire 's army , and his creations had been instrumental in the final war . But lately , his work had not been to the same standard . The terrorists had created a number of devices recently that had surprised and confused the doctor . Lahire was beginning to suspect that soon he would have to find a new head of research . Perhaps even the one currently working for the terrorists . The doctor stopped berating his two assistants and turned to face him . " Your Majesty ! You come at a fortuitous time . In a few more minutes , I will be ready to demonstrate - " " Well , obviously you still require Taxard to travel to the Otherworld . While he is gone , the barrier is disabled . Otherwise , he wouldn 't be able to return . " " Take cover ! " Despite his apparent frailty , Dr Keron moved at lightening speed to dive behind a large rock slab covered in scorch marks . Lahire , no stranger to the doctor 's mishaps , was right behind him . A loud explosion caused the ground floor to shake . Smoke filled the air , causing him to cough . The doctor , apparently unaffected by the smoke , stood and moved toward what had become twisted wreckage . His two assistants lay on the ground nearby , their clothes scorched and burnt in places . The first one sat up , apparently unharmed despite the damage to his clothes . " I told you to turn the fitting clockwise . You turned it the wrong way ! " The second one rose , staring furiously at the first . " Nohow ! I was standing opposite to you , so obviously I had to turn it counter - clockwise . Besides , you gave me a wrench when I specifically asked for a spanner . " The two men leapt to their feet and rushed over to the wreckage . Lahire managed to get his coughing fit under control . The doctor , seemingly unconcerned , took a notebook out of his pocket and made some notes . Lahire crossed to where he stood . Dr Keron looked up . " My apologies for the inconvenience , Your Majesty . Tweedles aren 't too bright , but as you just witnessed , their resilience to physical damage does mean they have their advantages . " " And yet , you weren 't , Your Majesty . You are still safe and sound . And more importantly , I have some new data that should improve the speed of our latest fliers by fifteen percent . " He nodded . " Do it . " His mind returned to the original reason he had come down there , but continuing the topic with Dr . Keron was pointless . He had learned everything he needed to know . |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . The group began their adventure leaving Nightshade Keep . The journey was rather long when you consider Gulbran 's armor weighs him down considerably . They decided to spend the night near some open area by a murky swamp . Unfortunately , the group was caught in an area with a siren as it desperately tried to take the heroes down and work for her . Unfortunately for her , she was quickly defeated . The orcs that were with her on the other hand didn 't run off . The group made as quick work as possible , but one escaped as the other was taken down . After some rest , they managed to continue the journey and stopped by Cedarvale . Cedarvale though was under lockdown . The group tried to gain entry with Chris leading , but the guards laughed after his comments about being Yseult 's Knight . After revealing a small portion of his power to show mental images as he furthered tried to explain the truth , the guards assumed him to be a witch and captured him along with the rest of the group . However , Ryld had already left and snuck inside . After some time , Ryld managed to get a hold of Yseult to get the others out . Yseult revealed the current state of the witch 's domain that she knew . She also revealed that if she was to leave with the group to see what she can do to help , she would lose her title as Princess of Cedarvale . However , she felt she had to see for herself and joined the group regardless . As the characters traveled on to find their " friend " Cheska , they had to tread cautiously . As they got closer towards the source of the undead invasion , they were finding themselves more and more surrounded ! They did well to avoid as much as they could , but then they stumbled upon a town that was under attack . The group responded by helping the people , but unfortunately , so many were lost in the attack and more during the group 's attempted defense for the people . Only 2 villagers remained and were rescued . How it currently affects them or Yseult , is unknown . The villagers did direct them to a tower that had been getting more active . Will our heroes be able to take down Chevska ? The group arrived at the temple where the Avatar awaited them . The avatar talked with Ryld about his issue . It seems that Ryld has to deal with it himself despite his thoughts for the Raven Queen needing to step in . This disappointed him greatly . But … The group was found by some of the people from the City of Lanterns that was planning to destroy the avatar . The group fought their hardest , but alas , the group didn 't do so hot . Chris went down first and not too long after , so did most of the others . By the end of it , it was up to Lumon and Gulbran to stop the last creature from attacking the Avatar , but not even their might could stop it as it succeeding making its swipe and killing the Avatar . But the Raven Queen 's connection only let her spirit come out and say that he may have won the battle , but that it was far from over as they could never defeat her . As offer for the group , she used her power to open a portal for the living . Chris was still unconsious , so Brinna grabbed him . She tried to go through the portal , but alas , being as she is cursed as a vampire , she could not as the portal was meant for only the living to be in the world of the living . She gave Chris to Lumon and told him to give Chris a message . To tell him she loved him . Lumon agreed and carried Chris through the portal , while looking back only to see a piece of the temple 's rock crash in front of the portal . The group found themselves a little ways inside the territory that heads closer towards the city of the vampires . After Chris was healed up and told what had happened to Brinna , he was saddened , but managed to find a small resolve to continue on . They managed to get themselves heading over to Nightshade Keep . Upon arriving back , there was some joy for Chris at least that Roselily was waiting for them . She also told them a man came by to talk with the group . It turns out that man was a courier from Cedarvale on mission for Yseult . It seems the princess had to inform everyone that a witch and some body guard was raising the dead and causing havoc near the kingdoms . It was Cheska and the traitor to Gulbran 's organization , Durom . The group told the courier that they accepted and would be on their way . Brinna grabbed Chris while he was unconscious . Her attempt to bring both of them to the portal failed as she was not living anymore . So she handed Chris to Lumon and told him to tell Chris that she " loved him . " The group was trying to catch their breath after dealing with the threats of the guards when they broke out of prison . Rook in tow , panicking in general , was squaking about . After some frustrations being let out from the group , Rook was to answer for what he knows about the avatar . Unfortunately , his panicking was worsened by Ryld 's over intimidating stature in the situation . Suddenly , the group was spotted and the prison guards gave chase . Unfortunately , the group could not outrun the guards nor get out of the way and found themselves surrounded . After a brief fight , the group had to carry Gulbran out as Gulbran was practically incapacitated . Ryld had an idea and jumped at the chance to take Rook and go in the sewers to hide . While a decent idea than any other method currently available , it wasn 't the greatest . They hid in the sewers for a time . The group discussed options , but found themselves to just stick with resting in the sewers . Chris fixed up Rook 's wounds . Then Rook had to give his knowledge . To the surprise of the group though , he had no knowledge of where the avatar was ! It seems it was just a lie to earn him great respect . With the group moral 's almost lost , Chris told Rook that he needed to find a way to repent for it or Ryld would find a way to make it interesting to have Rook in the first place . Rook was quick to inform that he had an amulet that would find a way to the avatar . When he took it out , it seemed to be just an ordinary amulet . As soon as Chris took it , the amulet glowed with the information on how to unlock its abilities . Chris read out loud … After , the group contemplated and tried to make a plan to find out how to get what is needed for the amulet . And thus , the group set off … only to be stopped quickly by a gelatinous monster in the sewer . After making quick work with some minor cleaning , the group came up topside and went to work quickly on finding the gems . After everyone gathered information and Rook paying his debt to Ryld while Ryld got his money back from the person that mugged him earlier , they came back together and told of their findings . So first , the group went after the black gem . When they arrived at the store , unfortunately , they arrived just a tad too late as a necromancer bought all the gems the guy had in stock . After some tough negotiations , Ryld set off to find for the necromancer a fresh and valuable corpse . All Ryld did was track down and find the guy that mugged him … just to kill him in cold blood . He returned to the store , informing the necromancer of where to find his corpse and obtained the first gem . However , so much time was wasted , it questioned if the group would find the 2nd and 3rd gems ! For the second gem , the group arrived to a different store just to find that the specific type of gem they were looking for , a red one , was all sold out to a woman . When the group pleaded with the clerk about them needing it , she said that the woman wouldn 't be all that hard to find . Outside , a celebration was commencing . It seemed the person was making her appearance while showing off the gems adorned all over her outfit . Chris decided that he could possibly get the white gem and together with Brinna , left to find that white gem . While the others were contemplating on how to get a red gem from the dragon lady , Gulbran had a brilliant idea to use his new weapon 's gem that he obtained in the gauntlet as a replacement while hoping it the amulet wouldn 't make him lose his gem . And so , the group put the gems in just to find nothing happened . After playing with the amulet , they couldn 't get the amulet to do its magic . So they figured they needed to get what the writing said earlier , someone has to take their last breath as they die . After a … rather morbid idea from Chris of all people , the group set for a hospital under the suggestion of Lumon . When they arrived , there were many sick people . Some trying to be taken care of , others that apparently were of lower value were hardly taken care of even with priests there . They went off to find one when Chris found one first . A boy around his age who was dying . Chris was quickly saddened as he saw a bit of himself in that boy . And so Chris did what the boy was asking for . The help to pass him on to the Raven Queen . He only chanted a few words he learned from Brinna 's teachings . The boy smiled and Chris held the amulet above him . His last breath hit the amulet and then the amulet 's magic began to happen ! It seemed to show the way . Afterwards , with a tear in his eye , he spoke to himself uttering the words that the boy was safe in the Raven Queen 's hands . He turned to find people were not so caring on the idea of what he did , much less speaking the Raven Queen 's name . A battle commenced . Chris passed the guards and went after the one that told him it was forbidden to do what he did . The mage tried to subdue the boy , but was quickly pushed back and parished a horrible fate as the top of his exploded by Chris ' assault . Chris growled as he turned to help the others as they made quick work on the remaining guards of the hospital . After a difficult battle fought in blinding fog against a number of creatures possessing blindsight , the group has succeeded in rescuing the Kenku . However , Gulbran has been beaten nearly unconscious and it seems unlikely the group can struggle on any further without a place to recuperate . As the group is recent escapes from prison , that just might prove to be difficult . Chris had learned a little bit of healing arts from Kyrta . He was willing to learn . In the middle of all of that though , Brinna was continuing his martial training , forcing him to learn his weapons capabilities instead of just making them on the fly and hoping it works . A mysterious creature came into town and found Chris . For some reason , this creature took an interest in Chris , but for what means , only time will tell . Shortly after the meeting , Chris and Brinna left with this stranger . On return , Chris was looking unhappy with his eyes giving the look of someone whose seen more than a boy his age should . Brinna would be nearby of course to keep him well , but was quick to act on his defense when anyone said anything , but Chris would rather not talk about it . While the group was in a tavern , drinking and eating , Kyrta came to discuss something with the group . During the discussion , it was revealed that Ryld was doing a good job doing all he was asked in the name of the Raven Queen and better than any apprentice seen prior . After her discussion , it seems Ryld wanted to speak with her in private . While Ryld and Kyrta discussed outside of the tavern , Chris finally broke his silence to discuss with Gulbran about where Gulbran 's powers come from and how he knows how to properly use them and whether he considers it a gift or a curse . Gulbran seemed to encourage Chris by reminding him that it was up to him to discover that himself , but in general , it is what he decides to do with it . Chris nodded , finally breaking a smile for the first time since his return . However , that would soon be cut short as yelling would be heard from outside as Ryld and Kyrta 's " discussion " seemed to quickly get heated . When the others checked outside to see what was going on , Ryld falls to the ground , looking rather wounded and Kyrta panicking . The group tried quickly to help Ryld , but it seemed Ryld was quickly fading . Even Gulbran 's powers weren 't working . When Kyrta 's apprentice group arrived , they were hesitent on helping Ryld . Under Kyrta 's command with some help from Gulbran , they assisted . It seemed , that he was ill in a different manner . Something only Kyrta could possibly understand . She decided to do a technique , knowing how dangerous it would be and despite one of the apprentices objection to it , she went through with it . Kyrta slowly drifted off to silence … seemingly dead for a while . After some time , Kyrta and Ryld awoke , Kyrta being angry at Ryld . It seemed that Ryld had 2nd being within , slowly feeding off of him and trying to make its way out to be born through Ryld and possibly become the world 's destruction ! Ryld never revealed this fact before which is the cause of Kyrta 's disdain for him . Thus , she told him of his final night to stay , but afterwards , he must be banished from the city . She left angry and in tears , but Chris follows her . While Chris is with Kyrta , she breaks down in front of him , hugging him and pleading for his help to help Ryld . Chris accepted , telling her that they can do it no problems , while Gulbran is stepping into the scene . He begins to hear what they must do . In the mean time , Chris runs after Ryld . He ends up trying to surprise Ryld by jumping at him , though rather noisily . Ryld would have dodged , but for some random moment , Chris ' powers decided to bloom briefly as he disappears and reappears on Ryld 's back . After a rather amusing looking reaction on Ryld 's end , Chris explains , in his child - like behaviour , the plan on how to help Ryld . Ryld wasn 't intent at first to listening , but after the child spoke and told him that Chris is the key to Ryld 's hope , Ryld took an ear and reluctantly accepted . The next day , the group was ready to head off . Chris was eager to head out . Kyrta was waiting for them to arrive to open the portal to the shadowfell where the group would need to talk with the Avatar of the Raven Queen in the City of Lanterns . The group all nodded and they headed through . Unfortunately , no one realized that they left Roselily behind . While the group arrived safely , the shadowfell being dark as it is and very wholesome to the shadowy creatures , they headed off to find where they think the City of Lanterns should be according to the map . Although , the map should guide them , the travels in the shadowfell are much different from that of the real world . Off in the distance of where they started , they saw some figures with a light , but didn 't bother with them . When they arrived at what should be the location of the city , there was nothing . They were rather confused . Suddenly , Chris spoke . It seemed his crown detected some evil creatures , but nothing was visually seen . The group readied themselves , staring and looking around to make sure they weren 't about to be ambushed . Suddenly , the attack ! The creature decided to accept the agreement to take the group to the city of lanterns and was " kind " enough to explain that the shadowfell works differently and using a map is practically no good if you aren 't native to the shadowfell . When they arrive at the city , they find it bustling with people as it seems a celebration is happening . Someone welcomes them , explaining whats going on . They find there is hardly any issue and the avatar has since left the city as a new person took it over . The city has since been happy . However , the group worries as the lanterns seem to emanate a fragrance that is almost unnaturally good . At this though , they treat cautiously trying to find out what happened to the avatar . Will the group find out what happened to the avatar ? Will they learn what is going on in the city itself ? Will Ryld live through to see the Avatar before its too late ? Find out next time on Empire of Bane ! We awoke , ready to face the dangers . This time , that coin dragon thing will be beaten . I just wish I knew what it is we were looking for specifically . I still haven 't figured out why a single gauntlet will solve the problem of the witch . But oh well . We approached the mirror and I was about to go in when I almost forgot to say the password . " Transport Us ! " I called and the mirror let us in . The coins in the room created the dragon - like form . I had to focus , but a part of me wondered if a dragon would look anything like this . We went as hard and quick as possible to attack it . Coins hurt when its spinning around ! It didn 't take long , but we defeated it . Then a crown was found and a sword . It seemed easier than I thought it would be . I handed the crown to the princess and she put it on . For some reason , she was deemed unworthy . Unworthy for what , I don 't know . Just then , the dragon coined thing reformed ! It came and attacked the princess ! I tried to defend her and then … . It seemed dark . At some point I saw light once again . Maybe I was sleeping ? My head hurt . I saw the dragon still nearby and had to stop it . I grabbed the crown and put it on . A part of me hoped that maybe something needed to be said to stop the dragon from trying to attack her . I yelled at the dragon " I will not let you harm her ! " The crown said that I was worthy and gave me its power ! We assulted the dragon until it went dark again . I awoke with Brinna carrying me and Roselily helping treat my wounds . Yseult was back up and well . I was put on the ground for a bit to get healed . For some reason , the bruises didn 't hurt as much . When everyone was ready to go , we headed out . Still , Gully was not found . Maybe he is just a long distance away . All of a sudden , a small dragon lands on me and begins to speak with me . It seems he is the voice of the place and that is when I learn we were never looking for a gauntlet , but it was called a gauntlet . As in , a series of trials . Who knew that a gauntlet could also mean that ? He also said that Gully wasn 't killed , but he shouldn 't be too far . As we approach the water section of the dungeon , we find Gully being taken into the water . At first , I didn 't think it was Gully cause he had no armor . But when I pictured him with the armor , it made much sense . We tried to see if he could come out and not play with … whatever that giant thing was he was with . I looked into the water and realized that it was what was in the water that lurked around . And come to think of it , Gully came up for air , but immediately was brought back down . I think he was drowning . I actually couldn 't believe he was being beaten by water more than the monster . I went across the water and Riley prepared a rope . I stared at the creature and the crown just told me it was evil . It also told me how to use its power . So with an attempt , I forced the creature to stop playing with Gully . The thing wasn 't happy when it got out of it , but we left soon enough . With the princess nearby , Gully and her were talking over the witch situation . She was actually fine with the idea of giving up to the witch . I told her that she can 't and there should be a way out . I said to Gully that there is something he has to do . He told me there is nothing he can do , but there was something I can since it is now my job as her knight . I thought about that . Perhaps he is right … I need to protect her . So I was thinking the entire time on the way back what to do . I could just hit the witch with my created swords until she stopped fighting back . I suppose that makes me more offensive and kinda defies what Brinna taught me , but it needs to be done . I then realized that if I did so , Riley wouldn 't get his wish . Whatever that may be . So my idea was to wait , but still free the princess . In the process , maybe I could help that Kyrta - like girl in the witch 's house . When we arrived at the witch 's place , I hid behind Gully . The princess turned herself over to the ugly looking witch on her own ! It was making me angry at the idea . Riley demanded to have his reward … which was to get the Kyrta - like girl the entire time ! Well that was one person down . Once it was settled , we were about to leave . The witch was asking if we would want to join her in the ceremony , but it was refused . Once everyone was ready … I turned around and attacked her in the middle of her talking to herself ! 1 It caught her off - guard and the attack commenced . I kept up the assault as much as possible . She then managed to move me outside and moved herself at the same time rather quickly … like a teleport ! I then realized everyone was … near , yet not clear . And everyone seemed to not see me , but knew I was nearby . Some had a look of lostness about them . Though , it felt familiar here for some reason . During the battle , it seemed I kept coming out of this place and people could see me again , but then I wouldn 't see some others . It turned out that the witch was trying to control our minds with dreams . But knowing what she is doing and how to stop it was difficult . I managed to help back her into a corner . I hit her , but not hard enough . Gully did the same . The princess was rooting for me and I was trying not to fail her . But I was getting tired … more mentally than my regular body . I think it was exhausting me with making these weapons and using them while being in and out of a dream world . I had to end it quick . In my desperate attempt , I remembered seeing a weapon once when traveling with mom where it was on a long stick like a staff , but at the end , it had a blade attached . It seemed to give better reach , but I was never really interested in it . I figured I 'd try my best to re - create it as it wasn 't large like that giant sword was , but was indeed thinner overall . 2 I concentrated as I used the energy that was still in front of me … the energy that was in my spiked shield and my curved blade . I put them together and formed the weapon pictured in my mind . I quickly tried to attack the witch , but my attack missed . It was more difficult than I thought to just use it without really learning how to . I tried once more , but the witch just stepped over . The ground underneath her suddenly glowed and she laughed as she disappeared . She left . It was my fault and I felt sad . Maybe I should have learned how to use the weapon properly and maybe even learn what it is called . Gully agreed , but for now , I did well . I didn 't understand how I did well when the witch got away . Because that I confronted the witch , the princess was free to go . The witch left with injuries as well so it will take some time for her to do anything to the princess . Maybe I did the job at least . We left together with the princess and the Kyrta - like person named Kyra all happy . A good ways out , we got to the split part . The princess had to return to Cedarvale . I think I am supposed to go too being a knight , but I stared at Riley . He was obviously hurt and I couldn 't just leave him until he is at least great on his own . I told the Princess I couldn 't leave them behind and they need me anyways . She seemed to understand . With another kiss on my cheek , she waved at us and we all left . Gully told me I should take the princess as my " mate " and that I " could be a king . " Gully just smiled , staring at Brinna . " Ask your mother , " he said . I looked up at Brinna and she actually seemed intent on not answering , but stared at Gully almost like she would hit him … or maybe she thinking of taking some of his blood . I don 't know . I just wasn 't sure if I should ask at that moment . We arrived back in Nightshade Keep and brought Kyra in to Kyrta . I never seen Kyrta soo happy before ! She gathered the healers in the area to help treat some of our wounds . For now , we were told to rest until we were called upon again . What will happen next ! ? Time to find Yseult 's gauntlet . Can it truly help her ? And what will she do about the truth of her father ? Will her new knight help ? As we walked into the cave , Riley went ahead . I think he did his normal thing of checking around for us in his silent tone . However , it was dark . He is the only one that can see while in the darkness besides my mom . I need a light just to see . Good thing my weapon creation can make light ! Suddenly , a burst of powdery stuff came into the area . It stopped just short of me and the princess ! Gully got caught in the powder and it seemed to make him gag . Some fighting was heard , but we couldn 't see far . The princess held her breath and rushed in . Seeing as I couldn 't disappoint her after being declared her Knight , I rushed in after while holding my breath . When I came out , I was slightly surprised to see a Kobold ! I hadn 't seen one of them in a while ! But seeing that they were intent on hurting me and the princess , I went after in , swinging wildly . I don 't know what it was … it just felt different … like I was actually thinking less on what to do and more just doing it . Maybe this is what Brinna was saying all those times during the training about not thinking now , but thinking 3 steps ahead . Maybe , what she meant was you need to think of the end and just go what comes natural to get there , but let my body think what needs to be done . Focusing on the battle at hand , one of the kobolds went into the darkness and threw some sticky stuff at me . I didn 't have time to stop anyone else and I felt bad for letting the princess nearly take an attack . She was just as good at battle as when she fought in the mini castle she was in ! I had to match up . So when I cut myself free of the sticky stuff , I rushed down the hall area . I spotted a kobold , with weapons at the ready , dashed forward , saw a rope with some sign that said something like " put futt herr " and jumped around it to land on the other side . Then … for a brief second , I felt like I had no ground to put my feet on . I looked down and realized there was nothing there ! I fell and barely landed between a punch of spikes with thorn things . Some of it scraped me . It kinda itches , but I have to remain focused . I yelled for help . Soon , a rope came down . I came up to find that Gully threw the rope down . He yelled at me saying " Don 't rush off like that ! You 're gonna get yourself killed ! " I told him that I had good luck on my side . Just when I was thinking that the kiss may have been unlucky from the princess , he tries to jump across and fails badly . I hear a loud crush sound with metal bits tinging around the little pit followed by a loud " OWW ! " I then say " SEE ! It is good luck ! I didn 't get hurt like you did ! " Riley tried to jump across with the noose , but it couldn 't hold him as it broke . The princess jumped across and made it , but got hurt by some hooks attached to the ceiling ! As I had to get over there quickly , I backed up and jumped across to see these hooks that she was mentioning . I sliced off all the hooks on her and destroyed the area around her that had the hooks . Riley came back up , but then we kept getting fired by arrows somewhere beyond this little river . Riley could see and was responding , but I don 't know what was going on . I helped Gully up as payback for getting me out of the pit , but we had another issue . Once he got out , we had more of those hooks to deal with . I went over and realized with a flick of a switch , I could make all the hooks fall ! So I did and there was nothing more to deal with … on this side . I came over and saw some rope on the floor and this river . The river had something in it . So I used the moment to balance on the rope and just dance across the water like nothing . Normally , according to Riley , it wouldn 't hold anyone 's weight other than a Kobold 's . When I came across , I defeated one kobold , destroyed a cover point to reveal more kobolds , and got another kobold killed before it could get away . A voice came in our heads it seemed that called itself a watcher . This watcher had a slight high pitch to it in the background of his talking . We talked a bit . It seems that it was some kind of test . We were … well I thouht at the time , looking for the end of a gauntlet . I didn 't understand that we were looking for the end of the test we were going through , also called a gauntlet . Seemed touching Gully 's gauntlet was not " reaching the end of the gauntlet . " We went on to another room that had a wall and something on the other side . Riley went up and over . Soon , we didn 't hear anything . We called out for him and nothing was said . When Gully and I came up , I was shocked . Riley was on the floor with rats trying to eat him and some weird monster that looked like he was eating some of Riley 's money ! I yelled for the princess to say her words that seemed to heal people and get Riley back up . In the mean time , I jumped down and fought the rats . I was making quick work . Also , every time , the princess said something to me and it made me move quicker , slashing away at the rats ! Soon , I started feeling … like I was partly myself and partly not . I was moving to the point that everything was also slower , storming through . At one point , I almost didn 't even notice the princess joined me on the ground or Riley leaving the ground area . Once we got the monsters taken care of ( after it seemed to make the princess ' armor and weapon look like it was old , hardly used , and had too much water on it for a while ) , Riley seemed to make the door opened and get us into a new room . The voice told us these were electric traps and that each step could either go off and hit us or nothing would happen . Gully hopped over a couple of them , but a few went off and shocked him . He made it across . Riley decided to go next and try to figure out the rest from the spots that Gully found . He got hit hard with a shock that it brought him down . The princess went forward and used her words to bring him up . Together , they figured out having me walk on some of these floor pieces which were it and which weren 't . Thankfully , no more electrical traps happened , but I trust Riley not to let me get hurt . I was getting bored with calling the number the voice kept telling me . When we were on the other side , there were these strange stairs . They had words on each step . They said , in order from the closest step to us to the later steps : I was wondering if it meant one of those was true . Riley ordered Gully to go up and test . He starts moving and when he got to the third step , he vanished quickly with nothing left of him ! We stared at the stairs awaiting for something to happen . Nothing more happened . I asked " What happened ? " Riley said he poofed . The princess decided to fall to her knees and cry somewhat saying he died . I started to realize I was mentioning every situation where Gully nearly dropped and with me there , I kept telling him if he wants to die , then just die , but stop trying to live and just live . He kept struggling with that , but now that I think about it … he has been getting slightly better with living . Meh … we 'll see him again , I 'm sure . He is too annoying and somewhat a bully to keep down . Anyways , Riley went forward . He started to skip every 3rd step . While he was doing that , I was watching and looking at the steps he skipped . Part of me realized something . The steps he skipped actually is a message , but I never mentioned it to anyone . I figured they may have realized it on their own which was why Riley skipped the third step . Either that or he guessed because of Gully disappearing after stepping on the step that said " every " on it . When you read just the words Riley skipped , it said : When we went up to the next area , it seemed there were weapons with words on a wooden block piece by the weapons themselves . The weapons were a 2 things , each with a small blade at the end and a stick attachment … which was somewhat like a spear1 , a gauntlet with spikes on them , and a sword2 . The words however was weird . They read : I kept staring at the sword with the words . Out of all of them , It seemed to be strange for me . There was a door in the room . The princess asked me " What are you looking at , Chris ? " I kept mentioning that the words are … different on the sword than the others . I then wondered was the door unlocked . The princess went over to the door and I tried to stop her , thinking that maybe the door might be a trap . The door made some sort of face appear and said " Not without a password , you 're not . What is the password ? " That is when I stared back at the sword 's words and I was thinking " Password … ? " That is when it dawned on me why it was stranger than the others . The other 2 had the look that it was saying " This is Pa 's Hand Weapons . This is Pa 's Gauntlet . " And each following statement sounded like it was the name of Pa 's item . But the third one sounded like it was actually saying something . While words read " Pa 's Sword , " it really was saying when said out loud quickly " PasSword . " So when I separated out the name , Islet 's first off sounded like another name which couldn 't have been . When separated , it was Is Let 's . I guess the time with mom re - correcting me and learn about how words are … grammatically … the idea of the word " Let 's " being possessive just didn 't seem right . So looking at the word Laughter , I had to assume that the S in Let 's was actually belonging to the Laughter . Nice little game . And so , I called out : The door seemed to open . I was asked how I figured it out , but I simply told them that it was in the words and I showed them with my mind what it reads when you take away much of the parts that were pointless and separated out what needed to be done . They saw it and realized that it was a bit dumb not to see it then . When we went to the next room , there was a mirror and a word above the mirror . There was some very clean skeletons near these mirrors . The word above the mirror was spelled strange . I never saw it before . Mom didn 't even know what it was . It read : I stared at it for a while . Riley was looking over the skeletons at first . Then he was looking at the mirror . It seemed the mirror looked like it was a reflection of the room we were in , except we weren 't in the mirror and the mirror showed a pile of shiny coins and other treasures . I went back and I started to sound it out . I got to Try an is port I us … then I realized , all of the I 's were common in the pronounciation . I decided to take out the I 's and realized it said " Transport Us . " Just as I said it out loud , questioning why it would possibly be that word and hidden under those I 's , Riley poked the mirror with his crossbow bolt . He went through the mirror and was over there . Just as I asked what was happening , the shiny treasures decided to form up on its own to the shape of a dragon ! I came close to the mirror . The dragon came over and blasted all it could out on Riley . When the blast was finished , Riley was on the floor , injured badly . I had to get him out , so I reached into the mirror and managed to appear in the room . I then grabbed Riley and tried to grab him back out of the room . I manged to get back into the other room just before another blast happened . I yelled at the watcher that spoke to us earlier and asked if we could take a break . He said we could come and go as we please . So as we wait , we now wonder what will happen as we rest , treating the injuries we gained and possibly waiting for Gully to return . I 've been thinking though … is Gully really dead ? Its been a while . So we walked in to the Falcon Flight Tavern . There were many creatures in there . I even got to see a half bull , half man ! They actually do exist ! ! ! A dwarf and a human approached Ryld and me . I think they had an issue with me , but I am not entirely sure . Just then , the Dwarf looked at Riley and said " Its a drow ! " I didn 't understand what the fuss was about . Everyone in the bar got up and started fighting . I ducked under everyone . I saw there was a person in the back that wasn 't fighting with the others . I casually went over and even passed a beer bottle to some guy that was knocked down and looking at me asking for help . I don 't see a reason not to give it . Upon getting across , I sit with the guy and talk with him . He seemed cool , but didn 't want to be involved . I ended up asking about the princess . At the time , he seemed to not know for sure . Riley shortly came over and started talking . The guy seems to have wondered why I was here or Riley for that matter . I asked him if he knew where a group of rebelious people would be . He said I shouldn 't get involved with such type of people , but I told him that I wanted to see the princess and heard she is rebelious . At this point , the guy said that it was about time to " end this " and if he can excuse himself for a sec . Then , with just one sentence , he reveals that he is the captain of the guards and everyone better stop fighting or else . Everyone stopped , stared , got scared , and ran ! Some even jumped out the windows ! I was shocked to see how quickly they obeyed and ran in fear ! He was awesome ! Once the guy left with matters he had to take care of , Riley yelled at me for some strange reason . It seems it had to do with me talking about the princess . We followed the guard and he took a horse . He left quickly and the gate was open . Riley ran over and grabbed a horse from the nearby stables and without hesitation , left . Mom was about to leave with a horse , but as she was setting up , I wanted to make sure no one would come after us for some kind of payment to deal with . So I left a few coins in the bucket of the stable boy who was asleep the entire time . He is fine at being there . Obviously , he is tired . While on horses , we traveled , but the guards were chasing us ! I think they were mostly after Riley for taking the horse . Or having weapons … not sure which . We kept moving , but the guards were slowly catching up on their horses . We saw a group of wagons . I suddenly recognized that they were vistani I had seen in some camp sights during my time with the group that went missing ! They recognized me real fast and was kind to help me and my friends and my mother out . They hid us . I overheard them talking with the guards . It seems they told them that they saw many people come through , but they couldn 't find the ones they were looking for . I am not quite sure , but I think they were … bribed . He told them we went another direction and the guards left . They took us out of one of the caravans and told us we were safe . I thanked them , but it seems according to Brinna and Riley , we were in a hurry . I told the guy that if they should find the strong man that I still wanted to know how to pick up a large rock with no effort . We moved through the forests and shortly came across an … old building . The captain of the guards actually came to the building and got a bridge to come down and let him in . It then closed up . Everyone decided to wait . I was bored so I decided to take a nap . I looked around and realized that we left the metal man behind . I kinda wondered what happened to him … It was becoming early morning when I was awoken by Brinna due to them getting ready to figure out how to get through . Metal man suddenly met up with us ! I guess he has some sort of attachment to finding us or something . When he sat down , he had some writing on his back . I stared and looked at it … and started to laugh ! Now … I can 't remember what it said anymore … but it was funny at the time . Metal man wasn 't happy with the idea despite me trying not to actually tell him that something is on him . We went around and found a weak point in the wall . Riley climbed the wall and tried to sneak in . We started to hear sounds of battle and I was thinking Riley was in trouble . Metal man went over to the wall and bashed it open . I was honestly surprised that he could do that without hurting himself ! He went in and started attacking . I watched at first and realized that the person in shiney armor next to a camp fire was a gir - … . woman . She started to talk about how we were sent by the witch to take her away . I realized that she was the princess . In my mind , I was surprised . Aren 't princesses supposed to wear fancy looking dresses and look pretty ? Anyways , the metal man was telling her that while that is true , it was because her father didn 't repay his debt , much less win the love of her mother . She refused to believe that . Since metal man … was correct … I figured I had to help . I stared at her and concentrated … remembering how mom tried to talk to people in ther mind and make them come over . For a moment , I think I was in her mind . I showed her the images and explained the truth . I couldn 't keep it up for long though and I was quickly getting tired . Does Brinna always have that problem ? Soon , it seemed obvious that if I didn 't go in to stop the people attacking metal man that he was going to die . Seeing as he says he won 't die and is stubborn about it , I figured I should help . I came in and saw Riley was in trouble as well ! So I rushed at the people using bows and made some quick work . Some were dodging me though . Before long , I took them down , but one decided to cut me with his sword . I made him pay . I will not kill another unless they harm me first . Following mom 's rules about fighting others like myself : Fight in self defense , find a way out . If you can 't , its better to kill if they intend to kill you . Otherwise , harm them , but don 't kill them . Everyone here tried to harm me , except for the Captain of the guard and the lady . I stopped one with the bow from firing at Riley , went out the door and got stopped . He hurt me with his sword so I stabbed him . He was stopped . I went out and tried to help , but it seems the princess decided to … surrender . The captain I think didn 't understand he would lose as he seems confident in winning the battle . The princess got him to stop trying to fight and would offer herself freely to us if we let him go . She was going to cut her own throat ! Metal man agreed though … I didn 't get why . I didn 't think he would do such a thing . The princess talked about wanting to visit some place . Some place that had a gauntlet that she could use which was legendary . If she got that item , she would have a chance to fight the witch . I was fine with it , not really knowing what was going on . Her name was … Yseult . But then I asked her why is it that she is a princess , but not in a dress ? She told me that if she had brothers , perhaps she would be in a dress . But because she doesn 't , she had to learn to be tough while doing her duty . I remembered overhearing some people before about how a kiss from a princess is supposed to give you luck . So … I tried to ask confidently and if I could have a kiss . I quickly tried to explain that I heard it was good luck and I wanted to get such luck . It is better than any old looking sword or some clover . She said that she could , but normally , she only does so to knights . She asked if I wanted to be her knight . I said " sure ! " Although , I don 't think I would fit in the armor those knights would wear . Now that I think about it … I hope I don 't have to wear it . They seem to be rather heavy . Even Metal man 's armor makes sounds just by normal walking . The princess smiled . She then called my name and gave me … a title ! I am … We left and followed her . She was holding my hand and walking onward to the place of this gauntlet . She sure was kind , talking to me , asking me questions , telling abit about herself . Soon enough , we found the entrance to this cave . She said that this was the place . We headed up and got ready . I stood by Yseult … ready to defend her as a knight should do . I just ask myself though … Am I ready ? |
I edited the entire thread , so that each chapter is spread throughout . I realized that keeping them all in the first post wasn 't the best idea , so I changed it . Press the links to be taken to the chapter . If you 're reading through it , let me know ! I would love to hear from you , even if you don 't have much to say . Without further ado , here is my non - pokemon related story , entitled Alien Poverty : The floorboards creaked as a figure moved through the old house , avoiding the squeaky floorboards one at a time . A dark green , reptilian creature standing on two legs stopped in front of a mirror by the front door . He reached for a hat , which then found its place on his smooth , scaly head . With a swing of the door and one last inspection of the gray t - shirt and cargo shorts he was wearing , the creature found himself outside . He carefully closed the door to avoid jamming his tail , and walked down the driveway . He turned in the direction of the tall skyscrapers that signaled downtown , and walked down the street past houses that looked not much newer than his own and just as tired . The creature was passing a house that looked like it hadn 't received a coat of paint in decades , when he heard a shout . " Hey Nolafus ! " A lighter green creature that looked quite a bit younger came out of the door right beside Nolafus . " Hey Kolski , anything exciting happen this morning ? " Nolafus asked continuing his pace down the dusty road . Kolski rolled his eyes . " I slept through my alarm again . I even have that thing close to full blast . " " You better not sleep in , you might get fired . " Nolafus said shaking his head . " Well that 's why you 're here , to wake me up when that does happen . " Kolski said and they both laughed as they continued to walk . " So anything new with you ? " " It 's the fifth year anniversary isn 't it ? " Kolski said quickly dropping the humorous tone in his voice . Nolafus sighed and said , " I miss her sometimes and it 's been hard for the kids , but we 're doing alright now . I know my kids aren 't the only kids to lose one of their parents and I 'm not the only husband to lose his wife , but sometimes I look back and wonder how we made it this far without her . " Nolafus responded pointing to a sign at the front of the bus . " We can 't , remember ? " " I hate that ru - " Kolski started to say , but was interrupted by a shove from a middle aged human . " Move " She blurted out as she made her way to one of the empty seats , followed closely by a middle aged man who took the other seat . " That was awfully rude of her . " Kolski whispered to Nolafus . " Maybe I should talk to her about the meaning of manners . " " Don 't start , " Nolafus said putting a hand on Kolski 's shoulder , " You know the humans don 't treat us the same . It 's something we just have to live with . " Kolski sighed and nodded his head . Thirty minutes passed until their stop came . Nolafus and Kolski stepped off the bus and into downtown surrounded by skyscrapers as far as the eye could see . The fire station was just a block down the road and they soon stepped inside . " Hey Nolafus and Kolski ! " A human shouted from across the room , waving with a smile , " You took long enough to get here , bus running late this morning ? " " Yeah Joe , it was . " Nolafus said with a nervous sigh . " I don 't care , you show up to work on time . I don 't pay you to be late . " The chief shot back and signaled for them to get out of his office . " I 'm just afraid that we 're going to get fired . It 's hard these days to find a job , especially for Srains like us . " Nolafus said gesturing to Kolski and himself . Kolski opened his mouth to say something , but a loud alarm started blaring all throughout the station . " Here we go ! " Joe shouted above the noise reading an address scrolling across a screen , " 1153 West Waterstone Road ! I call driving there ! " All the firefighters came rushing out of various rooms and down the pole to the fire truck . A couple minutes later , the truck was speeding down the road with Joe at the wheel . Five minutes later and the truck was pulling up to a one story house engulfed in flames . Everyone immediately sprang into action , from hooking up the truck to a fire hydrant to controlling the crowd that had already begun to appear . Nolafus immediately took off toward the house . He knew he needed clearance in order to go in there , but he didn 't care . There was a life that needed help , and Nolafus wasn 't about to let someone die because the house might be unsafe . Joe noticed Nolafus heading towards the house , and followed him inside . The living room was engulfed in flames , fire harmlessly lapped at the pair 's fireproof jackets . Joe and Nolafus checked room after room with no luck finding the baby . Finally , at the end of the hall they found the nursery with the baby crying in its crib . Nolafus reached down and scooped up the baby in his arms . The hall was now engulfed in flames with no way to walk through . Nolafus quickly took off his fireproof jacket and covered the baby . He took a couple steps back , and leaped through the flames to the other side his scales preventing any damage that was too serious . Joe followed suit and they both bolted through the front door with the baby , still crying , safe and sound . The mother immediately broke from the crowd and came racing over to Nolafus and Joe . She snatched the baby from Nolafus with a wrinkle in her nose and showered Joe with thank you 's and praise . Joe put his hands up and kept telling the woman that it was Nolafus that saved her baby , and she finally muttered out a small " thank you " in Nolafus ' direction and rushed back towards the crowd . " I guess so . " Nolafus muttered and started walking back towards the truck . An empty feeling took root in his stomach . He felt sick , sick of everything . He just wanted to get away . " Just what ! " Nolafus exclaimed whipping around to face Joe . His voice shook as he continued . Without realizing it , his tail lashed against the ground . " Just ashamed to admit that a Srain helped her ! When will you humans get it ? We have feeling just like you ! We 're not just meatbags , we 're not too tough to sit down on the bus , we 're not inferior , and we 're not aliens anymore ! We live on this Earth just like you and we were born on this Earth just like you ! Why don 't you humans get it ? " Nolafus let out a long , exasperated sigh . " I know you do , I just get , frustrated sometimes about all this . I 'm sorry , I didn 't mean to yell at you . " Currently , I read only the first chapter . It reads rather dry , where Nolafus goes through his day and there 's nothing really exciting going on . Even when they 're at the fire , the writing doesn 't give the reader any tension . Nolafus and Joe just head in , find the baby , and escape . It 's just rather dry to read , and doesn 't capture the reader 's interest that well . What you could do is add in some emotions . If you want to tug on the reader 's emotions and make them see that these alien Srains are pretty much like humans , spend some time showing that they have the same feelings and lives as humans do . They just have scales and tales . Don 't just have people giving overreactions to the Srains as they 're out in public , but have scenes where it shows that the Srains are kept separate from others . That there are " No Srains allowed " signs . That people cross the street when they see a Srain approach . I changed itself to himself and thanks for giving me some feedback ! I feel that I give more similarities between srains and humans in the later chapters , but if you still feel like I need some more just say so and I 'll see what I can do . I 'll agree with the more tension and emotion with my writing . I 'm trying to get batter at it , but I 'm having trouble with it . Could you revise a sentence or two in a way that shows more emotion ? I 've read a few books trying to dissect just how they convey emotion , but it 's hard . Nolafus turned a knob and let the hot water run down his scales and wash away his worries . He enjoyed this time after a fire . He could finally slow down and think without anyone coming to interrupt his thoughts . Nolafus reached for the soap and tried to wash off all the ash and debris . After a while , Nolafus never kept track of the time in the shower , he stepped out and grabbed a towel . Nolafus could still scent the lingering smell of smoke on him , it never really went away . Some people couldn 't stand it , but Nolafus wore it as a badge of honor . The smell was a mark that identified him as a life saver , someone who put others ' lives before his own . Nolafus got dressed and walked into the main living space of the fire station . He and Joe sat down at a table and Joe shuffled a deck of cards and dealt Nolafus a hand . A couple minutes later , the chief came into the room . " What you did today was reckless and stupid . I can 't believe you would even think about doing anything like that . " Chief Baker shot at Nolafus and Joe . " This isn 't a joke Joe ! " Chief Baker was at a full shout now , " I 'm in charge of all your lives here and if one of you guys die because of a stupid mistake I get the blame for it ! Each one of you is a valuable part of this team here , and I don 't want to go to another firefighter 's funeral again . " Chief Baker stopped talking abruptly as if he had revealed some secret he was trying to bottle up . " I didn 't know you felt that way chief . " Joe remarked . Kolski and Joe turned around to look through the window . A large group of people and srains were marching up and down the street carrying sign and posters . The signs were painted with various sayings such as " Equal rights for all " and " Srains need liberty " . The three of them walked back to the table and continued playing cards . The next two hours passed by and the crowd still hadn 't dispersed . Nolafus sighed and got up out of his chair . Nolafus and Kolski got up and said goodbye to Joe . They collected their things from their lockers , and walked outside . The scene was chaotic . People were roaming around shouting and hollering as far as the eye could see . Nolafus and Kolski braced themselves and headed out into the crowd . They were about halfway out of the crowd when Nolafus felt a hand on his shoulder . " Come on , your wife will take care of your kids . Stay and fight for your rights ! " The human said trying to whip everyone around him into an even bigger frenzy . The human just stood there as Nolafus and Kolski butted people aside to get through . In a few more blocks they would be out of the crowd and heading home at a steady pace . Two hours later Nolafus said goodnight to Kolski and they both headed inside . Nolafus closed the door behind him and let out a big sigh . The sounds of little footsteps came around the corner and two srains , one about half Nolafus ' height and the other one a little taller , ran to greet him . Nolafus knelt down to the little srain 's height and said , " Hey Kren , I missed you too ! We 'll talk about everything at dinner . " The taller srain stopped a couple feet in front of Nolafus and said , " So anything exciting happen at work today ? " Nolafus stood up and headed for the kitchen as the kids ran off . Thirty minutes later and Nolafus had called the kids to dinner . " So what happened at work today dad ? " Badron asked stirring around his peas . " Well let 's see , " Nolafus started . " There was a fire and Joe and I saved a baby . " " Really ? " Kren asked his eyes widening , " You actually saved a real baby all by yourself ? " " I would ! " Kren started excitement building in his voice , " You save lives and run into fire all day . When I grow up I want to be exactly like you . " Nolafus paused for a second and looked at Kren . " Wow , " he thought to himself . " I 'm gone all day and Kren still want to be like me . " The dinner went on with various conversations from firefighting to school . Once dinner was done Nolafus washed the dishes and played with the kids until bedtime . After a little fuss , Badron and Kren were soon sound asleep and Nolafus was crawling into bed himself . Nolafus turned a picture of a slightly lighter green srain toward him . " Oh Anaria , " Nolafus said to himself . " If only you could see the kids now . They 're growing up so fast and I don 't want to miss a second . Kren looks exactly like you and Badron has your eyes . I just wish there was some way I could be with them more . " Nolafus stared at the picture a minute longer then rolled over and went to sleep . He just had to make it through tomorrow then it was Friday . Nolafus was determined to spend the entire day with Badron and Kren , and make sure it was a day they would never forget . As for adding some more emotion to your writing , there 's more to it than revising sentences . You 'll probably be adding more words to your work when you include emotions . I 'll take a scene from your first chapter and add to it a little of what I mean . " I guess so . " Nolafus muttered and started walking back towards the truck . That empty feeling inside of him dropped his stomach , and he felt sick . Sick of everything . He just wanted to get away from everyone . " Just what ! " Nolafus exclaimed , whipping around to face Joe . His voice shook as he continued . Without realizing it , his tail lashed against the ground . " Just ashamed to admit that a Srain helped her ! When will you humans get it ? We have feeling just like you ! We 're not just meatbags , we 're not too tough to sit down on the bus , we 're not inferior , and we 're not aliens anymore ! We live on this Earth just like you and we were born on this Earth just like you ! Why don 't you humans get it ? " Just more of how the characters feel and how their emotions are conveyed . You won 't have to do this for every scene and for every character , but more for your main ones to make them more real to the reader . Think about how Nolafus would feel in reaction to something and how he would show it . Is he able to control his anger ? Does he have a habit when he 's nervous ? How does he act when he 's sad about something ? Or for Kolski , does his heart still hurt a little when his wife is mentioned ? Things like that . Nolafus stepped out of the door and smelled the morning air . Rain had fallen over the night and the air felt damp and heavy . Nolafus walked down the sidewalk and paused a few houses down . He looked at all the homes and everything was still . The whole neighborhood looked like it was asleep . Nolafus rolled his eyes and walked up the path to Kolski 's front door . He knocked on the front door with no response from within . He reached down and felt for a key under the door mat . Nolafus found a key , inserted it into the lock and made his way inside . " Hey Kolski ! " Nolafus shouted into the dark hall . Nolafus heard a rustle , a few curse words , and an even louder rustle from behind a closed door . A few seconds later , Kolski emerged . They walked out of the house and jogged their way to the bus stop to make up for lost time . They reached the bus stop just in time to board . The bus was unusually crowded and Nolafus and Kolski had to nudge their way to an opening . Nolafus grabbed hold of a bar and all of a sudden something changed . The world started spinning and going dark . Nolafus felt a hand on his shoulder guide him to a seat and he sat down in a heap . Nolafus shook his head and everything went back to normal . The bus was traveling along the street and the sun was shining . An old man stared at Nolafus and said , " Are you alright ? " " Yeah , I think so . " Nolafus responded rubbing his head , " I don 't know what happened . Everything just started spinning . I guess I can 't run like I used to . " " Hey , that 's not how you treat your best friend now is it ? " Jacob said with a false sense of hurt in his voice . " I can 't even believe you would talk to me like that . " " Not to you I won 't , so don 't ask over and over again . My kids are more grown up than you especially when you do that . " Nolafus responded turning back around . " Listen pal , " Jacob started . " I didn 't show up to work today to be disrespected by some lizard . You need to start showing some respect for your superiors . " Kolski came back over and the three of them looked over the chore list posted up on the wall . Kolski sighed , picked up a broom leaning against the wall and headed for the garage dragging the broom behind him . Joe walked over to a drawer , got out a spray bottle and a cloth , and proceeded to spray the windows . Nolafus walked over to the kitchen and started gathering various items . " It 's so good though ! It 's a firehouse favorite . " Joe said as another firefighter came to check the chore list . " Hey Anthony ! " " Nolafus , there 's a call for you on line two . " Chief Baker said gesturing towards the phone on the wall . Nolafus looked at Joe who was sitting on a couch . Joe threw his arms up in the air and started doing the dishes as Nolafus answered the phone . A couple minutes later , Nolafus hung up the phone . Nolafus went into Chief Baker 's office and a couple minutes later , was walking down the street towards the bus stop . Nolafus boarded the bus and was down at the school a half - hour later . Nolafus walked right into the building and up to the office . A secretary led him into the principal 's office where the principal and Badron were there to meet him . Badron paused for a moment and continued . " No , the kid apologized right away and even offered to buy me something out of the vending machines to make up for it , but at that moment a big kid stopped walking by and said that no human should ever apologize to a srain . The bigger kid scared the other one away and continued harass me . Eventually things got heated and he tried to punch me , but I dodged it and punched him in the face in self - defense . He went crying to a teacher after that and now we 're here . " " School policy states that Badron must be suspended for at least one week . Since this is Badron 's first issue and no one was seriously hurt I think the one week suspension will be fine . " The principal said . Nolafus got up and left the school with Badron following close behind . Eventually the two of them arrived at the fire station and Nolafus led the way inside . The room was completely empty . No one could be heard or seen . Nolafus entertained Badron for a couple hours before the rest of the fire crew came back . Everyone filtered into the living space and the showers . " So what did I miss ? " Nolafus asked Joe as he came into the living space . " Nothing major , just someone 's shed caught fire when their kid decided it would be a good idea to practice his pyrotechnic skills in there . The shed was a total loss , but we did manage to prevent the flames from reaching the house . So how 's Badron doing ? " " What the hell is wrong with you ? " Nolafus shouted as Jacob took a step back . " Calling me lizard in front of my own kid ! I should knock some manners back into you ! Didn 't your mom teach you anything ? " " Looks like I touched a nerve there . " Jacob said smiling , " I didn 't know you could get riled up like this Nolafus . I like it . " " Don 't you take anything seriously ? I should smack that smile off your face right now ! I put up with you in the past , but this was a new low even for you ! " Nolafus shouted back taking a step towards Jacob . " Lizards don 't scare me . " Jacob said taking a step towards Nolafus . " It 's not like you 're going to do anything about it anyway . " Nolafus grabbed Jacob and threw him down the hall . Jacob slid across the floor until he collided with a wall . Jacob sat up and smiled at Nolafus . Nolafus took a step towards Jacob and Jacob flinched . Nolafus paused , took a deep breath , and walked back out into the living area leaving Jacob sitting against the wall . " Sure I do , but he called you a lizard . Did he call you that because you kind of look like one ? " Badron asked looking over at Nolafus . " It 's true I do look like a lizard in some ways , but that isn 't what he meant . You see , lizard is a slang term for srains . Lizards are stupid creatures who rely on instinct to survive . They are incapable of learning anything significant and are surpassed in every way by humans . That 's what he meant by calling me lizard . That I was stupid and below him . " Nolafus said pulling Badron closer to him . " I hope you never have to see that again . " " That 's not very fair . If I were you I would 've beat him up for saying something like that to me . " Badron said imitating a punch with his right arm . " Don 't talk like that . " Nolafus said glaring at Badron . " You know that violence is never the answer . Look where it got you now . You 're going to be a week behind in school and now you get to wake up early and come to work with me . " Haha , whoops . That 's what I get for not paying full attention ! I mis - remembered that it was Kolski 's wife . Sorry ! But at least you caught my mistake , which means that you know your characters well . " No one cares if there aren 't many people on . " Nolafus responded patting a seat next to him . " You 're not going to stand the entire time , are you ? Badron took a seat next to Nolafus and stared out the window . The scenery changed from buildings and people , to plains and fields as the bus headed out of the city . A while had passed before Nolafus tried to make a conversation . " Yes , she loved flowers . " Nolafus said reaching over to pick up Kren , who had found his way over to one of the other passengers . " Sorry about that . " " I also remember talking with her a lot . " Badron said shifting his gaze back towards the window . " We would talk about whatever I wanted to talk about . It didn 't matter how upset or sad I was , she would just hug me and say that no matter what , she was there and that she loved me . " Nolafus sat there and remained quiet . The bus continued along the highway and eventually came across a small town . When the bus stopped , Nolafus lead the way off and started walking down the main street toward a group of houses . Nolafus approached one of the houses and knocked . A light green srain came to answer the door . " Hi mom . " Nolafus said taking his mother - in - law in a big embrace . " It 's been a while since we 've been down for a visit . " " Oh , nothing has really changed . " Nolafus responded , " Still the same old thing . I would ask you the same thing , but nothing here ever really changes does it ? " Marta glanced down the hallway to make sure it was empty . " They 're a part of that srainian right 's group who think it 's their duty to make sure we are happy . I think they 're just trying to break down that social barrier . " " Oh , I 'm fine with them . " Marta said , taking another look down the hall and still speaking in a hushed tone . " It 's Jerran that has the problem with it . " " Unfortunately , yes , " Marta said . " But , can you blame him ? After all they have done to us , it 's a miracle a civil war hasn 't broken out . Plus , he 's not the most forgiving person in the world , you should have seen what he did when he found out about the neigh - " Marta was cut short by the sound of the door at the end of the hall opening . A few seconds later , Jerran popped into the room and took a seat by Marta . " So what did I miss ? " Jerran grunted out as he sat down . Jerran shook the hand off of his shoulder and sat up . " Oh , you mean those humans that just moved in ? No one wants them around , I 'll give them a month before they move out . " Jerran mumbled something under his breath and slumped back into the sofa . No one talked and the room fell dead silent . Marta looked around at everyone for a while before speaking . " So Nolafus , " She blurted out . " How 's that one friend of yours , the one that lives right next to you . His name was Kosbi , I think . " " It was because the humans didn 't have a choice . " Nolafus responded sitting up and looking Jerran in the eyes . " Kolski 's parents were part of the group called The Protectors , remember ? It was either they defended themselves or die , " Jerran stood up and shouted at Nolafus . " Shut up ! You don 't get to defend them ! Remember what they did to us , this family , you , Anaria ? How dare you try to justify their actions ! " " I will never forget what they did to us . " Nolafus shouted back , standing up as well . " The important thing is that we move on and forgive . Otherwise , we 'll never learn to get along . " " Don 't you preach at me boy ! " Jerran responded a fire igniting inside his eyes . " If it weren 't for you , moving to that awful city of yours , Anaria would still be alive ! " Marta extended her arm to try to stop Nolafus , but pulled it back immediately and bowed her head . Nolafus came back into the living room with Badron and Kren . Jerran turned his head away , but Marta followed them to the front door . " Do we really have a choice ? " Nolafus asked turning around . " Look , we 'll see you next year where maybe things won 't get as heated . " " Thanks mom , I 'm sorry things turned out like that . " Nolafus responded as he started walking towards the bus stop . Nolafus waited till he was out of earshot , " I 'm sorry about Anaria . " The bus was nearly empty on the ride back to the city . Nolafus . Badron , and Kren were all sitting in seats watching the scenery zoom past the window . " No , " Nolafus responded after a pause , getting Badron 's attention back . " It 's time I told you the story . Do you know of the group called the protectors ? " " Well they were a group of srains who banded together to protect everyone else from inequality and mistreatment . When they were in their prime , around ten years ago , everything was going smoothly and even some humans were let into the group . Just when everything finally started to look up , a human member of the group was charged with murdering a srainian member . The human was tried , and found not guilty . Instead of things settling back down , an extremist branch turned and started picking off the human members one by one . Things escalated and it almost broke out into civil war . Luckily so many members dropped out , that they were reduced to nothing but a street gang , infamous for trouble . " " I was just giving you some background knowledge , sorry , I have a tendency to make stories longer than what they should be . " Nolafus responded patting Badron on the back . " Well Anaria had gone to the store to pick up groceries , when the attack started . The Protectors had begun another street raid and begun killing humans wherever they could find them . The police were called and a huge fight broke out . Anaria had gone into an alley , I presume for shelter , when The Protectors began fighting police , many with the intent to kill . A few srains ran into the same alley as Anaria was hiding and when the police came running in after them , they found her . Wanting to avenge their fallen officers , they … they , I 'm sorry , " Nolafus said blinking back tears . Nolafus started walking down the street with Badron and Kren following close behind . The bus had dropped them off in the outskirts of downtown . It seemed that everyone had their lunch break at the same time as hundreds of people crowded the sidewalk and the streets . Nolafus ordered Badron and Kren to stay close . People were pushing and shoving eachother to get where they were going when Badron lost sight of Nolafus . Badron turned around in all directions , but couldn 't find his father . He started panicking and jumping to try to catch a glimpse ever everyone 's head . Badron had no idea what to do when a hand came shooting out of the crowd and pulled him inside a building . Nolafus was there with Kren and Badron sighed of relief . The building that Nolafus had pulled Badron into , was a flower shop . " Let 's wait here a while , " Nolafus suggested . " At least until the crowd dies down a bit . " The group spread throughout the store looking at the various bouquets on display . Nolafus picked up a particularly colorful bunch and proceeded to buy them at the register . Most of the crowd had seemed to filter back into the buildings from which they appeared . After a few minutes , Nolafus led the group outside . " So where are we going now ? " Badron asked catching up to Nolafus . Nolafus kept walking down the street and disappeared around a corner . Once Badron rounded the bend he noticed a cemetery that he had never known to exist . He saw Nolafus enter and stand near one of the tombstones . Badron waited for Kren to catch up and headed for the cemetery himself . " No , " Nolafus replied still staring at the tombstone . " We always went shopping together . It was one of those things we planned around my schedule , as something we could do together . I just happened to get called into work that day . I insisted she go . I should have been there , I could have done something . I would have saved her . " " You 're a good sport . " Nolafus said patting Badron 's head , " You 've really stepped up since mom passed . I just wished things were easier . " Badron and Kren stepped away as Nolafus took one last look at the tombstone and memories of how they met flooded back into his brain . It was a normal day in Delwood . Srains were going about their day and Nolafus was hanging out in the alley with a friend . " Hey Nolafus , " A slightly darker green srain called from across the alley . " You got anything going on today ? " " Well that sucks . " Rineon said sitting down on a nearby crate . " Hey , I 'm getting hungry , you want to go down to the store and get some food ? " Nolafus got up and started walking to the entrance to the alley . He rounded the corner where the girl had disappeared and kept walking . He kept walking and searching until he finally caught sight of her . Nolafus caught up to her and tapped her on the shoulder . Nolafus stopped walking and started heading back towards the alley . He found a new spring in his step and his heart was nearly exploding out of delight . Nolafus entered the alley where Rineon was still sitting on the crate throwing a ball against the wall and catching it . Nolafus and Rineon walked a couple blocks down to the local store and went to the snack aisle . Nolafus picked out a couple bags of chips and paid for them at the counter . Rineon followed Nolafus out the door and back to the alley where Rineon lifted his shirt to reveal three bags of chips . They all walked out of the cemetery together and towards the nearest bus stop . The bus was crowded , but Nolafus didn 't mind . There was still one thing that he had to do today . " Tonight , we are having steaks . " Nolafus replied taking the cover off of the plate . " I hope they turn out okay , I don 't really cook them a lot so I don 't know how to make them perfectly . " " Yeah , " Nolafus said recalling his last attempt . " Let 's not focus too hard on last time . I finally made good steaks and that 's what matters . " " I don 't really like talking about it . " Nolafus said leaning back in his chair . " Brings up a lot of bad memories I would rather you not know about . " Nolafus and Badron cleaned up the dishes and wiped off the table . They sat down in the living room and talked . They talked about various things , but nothing specific as Kren played with his toys . Before long they were all getting ready for bed . Badron 's question still bounced around in Nolafus ' skull about his past . Nolafus tried hard to forget about it , but the memories were constantly floating in the back of his mind , waiting for an excuse to come into the spotlight . Before long , Nolafus fell into a troubled sleep . " Hey Nolafus ! " Rineon called out walking towards Nolafus who was sitting on a crate . " We got a new recruit who thinks they 're ready for the big leagues . " Dregar stood up as tall as he could , " I 'm the best . No one can best me in a fight . I 've beaten much bigger guys than you . Just the other day I was ambushed by two guys from your rival gang and by the end I practically had them running . One of them was even crying . I 'm better than you 'll ever be . " Dregar took a few steps back and took a running start at Nolafus . Dregar threw his fist towards Nolafus ' head with all his might . Nolafus quickly moved out of the way and grabbed Dregar 's outstretched arm . Before Dregar had time to react Nolafus spun him around and threw him against the wall . Dregar fell down , but quickly got back up . Dregar screamed as he charged Nolafus . Nolafus grabbed Dregar 's shoulders and fell down with his foot against Dregar 's abdomen propelling Dregar into a pile of trash cans with a loud crash . Dregar stayed laying down in the pile of trash with his head down . Nolafus got back up on his feet and turned towards Dregar . " Don 't come in here talking big and making up stories about how tough you are . In here you can talk all you want , but that doesn 't mean a thing when you get into a real fight . If this were a real fight with our rivals , you 'd be dead right now . Get out of my alley . " Nolafus walked over and sat down on a crate next to the pile of dented trash cans . " Yeah , where do you keep finding these guys ? Now he 's going to go across town and join up with the Justers like all the others . Like they need an even bigger number advantage over us . We 're barely holding onto this neighborhood as it is . " " I guess you 're right . " Rineon remarked leaning forward . " Who runs that gang again ? Oh , that 's right , Juster does ! It 's so easy to remember when he names the gang after himself . We need to change our name from the Black Claw . It 's so cheesy . " " We came up with that in middle school , remember ? " Nolafus said picking up a trash can trying to pop out the dents . " Besides , we couldn 't come up with any better names and this one is stuck now . " " Oh crap , " Nolafus said tossing the trash can aside and leaning forward . " I forgot all about that . I have a date with Anaria tonight . I can 't cancel again , she 'll kill me . " Rineon looked over at Nolafus . " I 'll cover this meeting , go ahead with your date . I 'm sure I won 't screw things up too badly while you 're away . " " Thanks Rineon , you 're a life saver . " Nolafus said leaning back and picking up the trash can . " You know our one year anniversary is next week . " Noolafus looked at the watch on his wrist . " Four forty - five . Just about time for me to leave to pick up Anaria . I 'll see you tomorrow and good luck with the meeting . " Nolafus got up and left the alley pausing at the entrance to wave to Rineon . The evening air was crisp and light as Nolafus walked down a couple blocks to a house with a light green srain waiting on the porch . Nolafus walked up to the srain and took her in a big embrace . Nolafus open the door for Anaria and they both stepped inside . The diner was full of srains laughing over their different conversations being held over classic rock while various waitresses went from table to table writing down orders and taking dishes away . Nolafus lead Anaria to the last empty booth and took a seat . Soon a light green waitress appeared with a nametag that read " Kailery " . " Yeah , I don 't think I 've ever seen this place not filled to the brim . " Nolafus said looking at the crowd himself . " Maybe during closing time . " " Yeah , I know . " Anaria responded . " I remember that one date where both diners were full to the brim and we ended up going back to my place and eating frozen dinners . " The conversation eventually faded and Nolafus and Anaria sat there in silence listening to the classic rock playing overhead . " Hey Nolafus ? " Anaria asked as Nolafus took a drink of root beer . " Do you ever see us getting married ? " " Burgers are here ! " Kailery said setting down two burgers on either side of the table as Nolafus let out a quiet sigh . " Let me know if you need anything else , okay ? " Nolafus and Anaria were walking home when Nolafus walked passed an alley and looked inside . Rineon was standing on a box surrounded by twenty srains . Rineon 's mouth was moving , but Nolafus was too far away to hear what he was saying . Anaria noticed Nolafus had changed his gaze to the alley and looked over herself . Rineon mimicked a gagging motion to which Nolafus promptly punched him in the shoulder . A dark green srain came into view at the entrance to the alley . After a moment , two other srains joined the first on either side and followed him into the alley . Nolafus stood up and nudged Anaria behind him . " What do you want Juster . " " That 's why I have this . " Juster said pulling out a pistol from his pocket and leveling it at Nolafus ' head . " You want a problem solved ? Take it out at the source . " Rineon shifted in his seat . " After the meeting I took a couple guys to mess up their hideout . Oh , and I wouldn 't shoot him if I were you . " Rineon stood up and pointed his pistol at Juster 's head . No one moved , each one calculating their next course of action . Juster turned to take a better look at Rineon when Nolafus ducked and swept his feet out from under him . Juster fell down with a thud , wrapping his tail around one of Rineon 's feet and taking Rineon down with him . The fall had caused both their guns to go sliding away in different directions . Nolafus had picked up a gun and pointed it at the two srains who had accompanied Juster into the alley . Both of them took off running , leaving Juster to fend for himself . Juster had managed to get both of his legs under Rineon and sent him flying into the trash cans nearby . Nolafus turned around to see where Rineon had landed , and when he turned back around , Juster was there , holding a gun . The two of them stood there , each wielding a gun aimed for each other . No one moved a muscle for a full minute . Anaria let out a scream from between a couple of crates . Nolafus looked down at his chest , his eyes flying wide open . However , when Nolafus looked down , not a single bullet hole was to be found . Nolafus looked up , just in time to see Juster , falling down to the ground in a heap . Blood trickling down from a hole in his chest unto the floor of the alley . Nolafus awoke with a start . He was breathing heavily and sat up straight . Nolafus let out a big sigh and laid back down . He brought his knees up under his chin , and wept . " Hello Bristol ! It 's currently six o ' clock on this fine Monday morning . The sky looks clear and it 's expected to stay that way for the rest of the week . Prepare those swimming trunks and hoses , because it is going to be a scorcher today . Coming up is - " Nolafus pressed down on the alarm clock and groaned as he slowly began to crawl out of bed . He trudged over to his dresser and began dressing for the day . The scent of morning coffee hung in the kitchen like a blanket when Badron came walking in with a big yawn . " I didn 't have to get you up this morning . " Nolafus said , pouring himself a cup of coffee . " Well , that means everything will dry out faster . " Nolafus said taking a sip of coffee and leaning back onto the counter . " Hopefully , everyone will have their hoses on and getting everything wet . " The fire truck raced through the city , sirens blaring loudly as cars swerved off to the side of the road . The truck rounded a corner and came screeching to a halt outside a house already engulfed in flames . Various firefighters hopped out of the truck and jumped into action . Nolafus immediately started to control the crowd outside and began moving them back to a safe distance . A firefighter came over to Nolafus and tapped him on the shoulder . The two of them entered the house and it immediately became clear the structure wasn 't going to hold for much longer . Nolafus and Kolski found the stairs and darted up , being careful not to step on the really burnt spots . The path forked off in two different directions . Nolafus was about to run to the left , when he heard a scream coming from his right . He raced down the hallway , the heat burning his scales through his jacket , and burst through a door . A little girl was sitting in a corner crying . Nolafus ran over and scooped up the girl in his arms . He turned around and motioned to Kolski to get out of there . Nolafus was just about to take a step forward when he heard the floor under him start to creak under his weight . Nolafus threw the little girl at Kolski just in time as the boards gave way and Nolafus fell down into the room below . He landed on the oxygen tank strapped to his back with a thud . Nolafus looked up just in time to see board after board falling down after him . The boards landed directly on top of him , one board came directly down on Nolafus 's head . The strike broke open Nolafus ' mask and caused a severe gash right above his left eye . Smoke began to seep through the cracks and into his lungs . His vision began to blur . Nolafus noticed his body was covered with burning boards . He struggled in vain to get the boards off . He could feel his body being burned through the jacket . Blood was spilling into his eye and onto the floor . Nolafus looked around him , he noticed he was in the garage . A car sat to his left , he knew that if the flames managed to reach the car , it was all over . He used every ounce of his draining strength to move the boards . The boards didn 't move , and Nolafus collapsed . When Nolafus opened his eyes , he wasn 't burning , he wasn 't surrounded by fire , and he wasn 't even in a building . Instead , he was floating . Nolafus looked around and he found himself in a sort of void . He remained floating there , looking out at the deep abyss . He tried to remember what he was doing , but tNolafus raised his hand to shield his eyes from the bright light , but it soon died down . Nolafus lowered his hand to reveal a dark hole where the light had been . Rays of light showed the outlined of the dark hole , and Nolafus smiled . The dark hole seemed so inviting , he even thought he could hear music . Nolafus thought about trying to remember the clouded memories , but it just seemed like so much work . Why spend so much effort when it was so easy just to give in ? Nolafus gave up on his thoughts and began to drift towards the hole , he was still a ways away , but he had time . It 's not like anyone was expecting him anywhere . He had no responsibilities and all the time in the world , he could go anywhere , do anything , but right now , all Nolafus wanted to do was go through that hole . He could just simply fall in there . Wait , " fall … " why does that ring a bell ? Nolafus stopped to ponder this thought which had invaded his mind . The thought was just a whisper , but it kept repeating itself . Each time it grew louder and louder , eventually the thought was shouting in his head . Nolafus raised his hands to his head in an effort to drown out the screaming . He winced , he felt pain dart through his entire body . What was happening ? What is this place ? Why am I here ? Nolafus ' eyes flew open . His memory , foggy a second ago , had now began to appear . He had a wife , wait , she died a while ago . Yet he still felt love , and loved . How can this be ? Nolafus remembered two srains , sons ? Yes , definitely sons , one was twelve , the other seven . What were their names ? Badron and Kren , his two sons . Another srain and a human appeared in his thoughts , Kolski and Joe , my friends . Firefighters , they were firefighters . That one word , fall , why did that word feel so real ? Fall , I was falling . Falling from where ? There was a fire , and I was falling . All of Nolafus ' memories came flooding back to him in an instant and he remembered everything . He remembered finding that little girl , he remembered falling through the floor , and he remembered not being able to escape . The void that had once seemed so safe , began to fade , and the hole that once looked so inviting . Nolafus noticed it wasn 't a hole at all , but a mouth . Everything around him seem to melt as he was shot up , into a bright light . Nolafus took a deep breath and immediately started pushing everything off of him . The boards were easier to move for some reason . He shot up and started running through the door . He took off through the hallway where he saw a woman standing there , wearing nothing . She was surrounded by fire and turned away from him , but she didn 't move . In fact , she seemed to be wearing the fire . Her entire body was adorned with a cloak made entirely of flickering energy . Nolafus called out to her , and she turned around . Her first look was one of shock as she walked towards Nolafus and started pushing him back towards the burning garage . Nolafus tried with all his might to escape from her grasp , but it was no use . She wouldn 't let go and despite the struggle Nolafus was putting up , she was able to drag him back into the garage . She lifted up the boards and started to push Nolafus back under them . Nolafus wasn 't able to escape , and not willing to give up the fight , he screamed . Nolafus screamed so loudly and with such intensity , he had to close his eyes and he felt the grip of the woman loosen , and release . When Nolafus opened his eyes , the boards were gone . Nolafus looked down and saw sheets , bed sheets . His eyes darted around the room . The fire was put out . In fact , there didn 't seem to be a fire at all . The woman was still there , but she was wearing something different . She was wearing a nurse 's outfit . She was clamping her hands over her ears like a loud noise had just been plaguing her . Nolafus took another look around the room . The walls were white and the sound of humming could be heard coming from various machines . Plastic tubes extended out from these machines into his wrist . A constant , steady beeping broke the silence as Nolafus looked over to a machine with a light that danced every time the beeping rang out . Pain shot up through his entire body as he tried to get up again . The entire room spun around faster and faster until Nolafus collapsed back unto the bed , and fell asleep . But the first thing I 'm wondering is : why are you putting all your chapters in one single post ? What will happen when you reach the character limit for posts ? : p How about posting every chapter in its own post and then link to them from a list in the first post ? Nolafus awoke to the same room he was in before . The machines were still buzzing , but the room was dark and empty . Nolafus took a look around and saw a window . It was dark outside , and the moon was out . Nolafus looked around for a clock . Nolafus sighed and leaned back in the bed . When he hit the mattress , pain shot up through his body . Nolafus winced and waited for the pain to fade away . He felt like he had this dream , a weird dream . He could see a void , a woman dressed in fire , but nothing else . Nolafus felt like it was more than a dream , but he soon gave up on trying to remember . A streetlight outside of Nolafus ' window shined through the blinds and down on a table . The light bounced off of an object and into Nolafus ' eye . He turned to see what was on it . Nolafus was surprised to see a bouquet of flowers , he was shocked to see the entire table adorned with various cards and gifts . He began to count the people in his head that would send him these things , but no matter how many times he counted , the number of cards seemed to quadruple the number of people Nolafus could think of . He leaned over to try to take a few , but pain shot up through his body . Nolafus winced and was able to swipe one card . He looked at it , but it was too dark to make out any of the words . Nolafus looked around once again and was able to find a lamp within easy reach . He turned it on , and began reading . Thank you for saving my niece . I can 't express in words how grateful I am that you would risk your life , to save another . You are a true inspiration and it 's srains like you that give me hope for the others . I can 't imagine the pain and the suffering you went through , and I do sincerely hope that you wake up one day to read this . Please get better soon . " Wake up one day , what does that mean ? " Nolafus asked to no one in particular . Nolafus looked around for a calendar , but couldn 't find one . " How long have I been out ? " Nolafus ' attention suddenly turned to his kids . He wondered where they were , if they were worried , if they knew he was alright . Nolafus thought about these questions for a long time , but then , he thought about that little girl . " I guess she 's alright . " Nolafus thought , turning his attention back to the card . " I mean , if her uncle wrote that she is . " Nolafus paused and took a deep breath . He cautiously leaned back into the bed and closed his eyes . He couldn 't get mad , the guy probably meant well , but there was no use getting mad . Anger only made things worse . Before long , Nolafus fell into a dreamless sleep . " Calm down ? I 've been out for a month and you want me to calm down ? " Nolafus asked pushing her away . " Where are my kids ? Where have they been living ? For pete 's sake I 've been out for a month ? " Nolafus plopped back down on his bed . For the first time , he noticed a knot in his lower back . It throbbed and emitted waves of pain . Nolafus winced as the doctor came in . " I wouldn 't move much if I were you . " The doctor said as he came over , whipping out a pen and began writing something down on a clipboard . " You 're in pretty bad shape , moving might make it worse . " " I don 't even know how to begin . " Nolafus said , looking at the ceiling . " I mean , it couldn 't have been a month . I wasn 't out for that long , a couple days maybe , but not a month . " The doctor jotted something down on his clipboard , got up , and left the room . Nolafus was left there listening to the hum of the machines and looking at his legs . The sheets clearly showed the outline of two legs , but Nolafus couldn 't feel them . He carefully put his head back down . The nurse thought for a moment . " Well , I wasn 't there personally , but I have heard about it . I think you got out of bed , walked out into the hall , and got a nurse 's attention . Naturally she tried to put you back in your bed , but you were fighting her every step of the way . You were pretty weak , so it was obviously important we get you back in the bed , but right as she was about to pull the covers over you , you screamed . I was working on the floor above you at the time , and even I heard that scream . After that , you passed out . " The nurse looked over at the table , " That 's easy . You 're quite the popular guy . " She said walking over to it . " There 's also these letters under here . " Nolafus ' eyes bulged when he saw two bins under the table completely full . " How is that even possible ? I don 't have that many friends . " " Really , they shared that on the news ? " Nolafus asked , " Can you at least bring the letters over here or something ? It would be nice to have something to do here . " The nurse turned around and walked out of the room before Nolafus could thank her . He looked at the table and bins . He couldn 't believe how much mail he had received . Nolafus picked up card after card and started reading . Nolafus skimmed through each card , until he came across a card using his first name . A friend for sure . I really hope you get better soon . The fire station isn 't the same without you . Looking back on it all , I 'm amazed at your selflessness . You just did something hardly anyone else would do . I 'm not exactly sure what happened , Kolski isn 't telling much , but all I do know is that instead of trying to save the both of you and possibly hurting the little girl , you threw her to safety and took the fall yourself . The doctors are being dumb and won 't let me see you until " you 're in proper condition " , but just letting you know that I 'll be there the first chance I get . Don 't worry about your kids , they 're staying over at Anaria 's parents ' house . We tried to find your parents , but they wouldn 't return our calls . Don 't give up , I 'll see you soon . Nolafus closed the card and set it on the corner of the table . He was glad the kids were safe . Nolafus yawned and rubbed his eyes . He was surprised at how tiring being in pain was . Nolafus closed his eyes , and before long , fell asleep . " Because you are . " The doctor said , " We don 't know how you were able to walk . Before your episode , we ran some tests and concluded that you were paralyzed from the waist down . Later that month , a nurse reported seeing you walk , you were pretty weak , but walking . " " Well , Kolski and I found the little girl upstairs in a room . " Nolafus started . " When I ran over and picked her up , the floor gave way underneath me and I threw the little girl to safety . I crashed into the garage and a bunch of boards landed on me . Nothing landed on my back . " Getting up from the chair , the doctor jotted a few things down on his clipboard , and left the room . Nolafus sat there with only the humming of the machines to break the silence . He looked at his legs , shook his head , and laid back down . He leaned over and picked up a couple cards . Nolafus started reading through them when the door to his room opened . " Joe ? " Nolafus said looking up from the cards . Joe scratched his chin , trying to recall the memories . " Well , let 's see . From my perspective , Kolski was the one that brought the little girl out . He set the little girl down on the porch , told her to run to her parents , and immediately darted back inside . That 's when I knew something was wrong . After a long while , Kolski reappeared carrying you out . Probably not the best thing for your back , but it 's better for your health than dying . Kolski isn 't talking much about it , so that 's pretty much all I know . " " We all came rushing over , luckily the ambulance had arrived by that time , so we didn 't have to wait . I won 't go into too much detail , but let 's just say it didn 't take a doctor to tell you were pretty messed up . " Joe said , grimacing . " Oh , they 're fine . " Joe said , reassuringly . " They were pretty worried at first , but Anaria 's parents took them in and they 've settled down . All they know is that you woke up , and that you 're under stable condition . " " Oh , it 's that one stage of recovery . " Joe remarked . " The victim goes on and on about how they should have known , how they could have prevented it , how they would have done something different . Kind of pathetic really . " " No , well not you directly . " Joe began . " Now one could argue that I called you pathetic indirectly , but they would only be partially correct . " " Man , it 's kind of sad to see you hooked up to so many machines . " Joe said looking around the room . " All these wires and medical stuff . " " Oh , don 't worry about it , you have enough to worry about as is . " Joe said . " Let me take care of the finer points . " " What did I just say ? " Joe said leaning forward . " I have everything under control . Besides , I 'm not going bankrupt . Why would I do that ? " " Well , that 's my queue to leave . " Joe said getting up . " I 'll see you soon Nolafus , don 't worry about a thing . " Joe got up , beamed at the nurse as he walked by , and disappeared beyond the door . The nurse shook her head and started checking up on all of the machines . She turned a few dials , wrote some things down , and refilled a couple sacks with some liquids . Nolafus felt the lure of sleep come over him and decided to close his eyes . Before long , he was fast asleep . When Nolafus awoke , he looked around him . No one was in the room , and he noticed that he had only been asleep for a couple hours . Nolafus shrugged and laid back down . Before he had time to close his eyes again , the knot in his back erupted . Pain was being shot out in torrents and each time the knot throbbed , it grew . Nolafus nearly collapsed , he was too overcome by shock to scream . He looked around him and found a button above his bed with text above reading press for nurse 's assistance . Nolafus winced , and pressed the button . He collapse on his bed , his mouth wide open , gasping for air . Nolafus laid there unable to move . The pain shot through his entire body . A couple minutes passed , or was it a couple hours ? Nolafus couldn 't tell , each second seemed like an eternity . Finally , a nurse opened the door , took one look at Nolafus , and ran off down the hall . The pain rose to even higher levels . After a few seconds , Nolafus blacked out . One thing I changed , Nolafus no longer has control of his tail . I had a plan , but I changed my mind . So no more medical mystery . The young Nolafus looked around the jail cell . Each wall was made of white , dirty bricks with some sort of fungus growing in the cracks . All except for one wall , which was made of metal bars , containing the gate which he had been shoved through . On the wall opposite of the bars , was a sink and a toilet . A couple of beds , one on top of the other , lay against the right wall . Nolafus was sitting on the lower one while the top bed lay empty . Nolafus took a deep breath of the musty air . He could hear the shouts of other juveniles down the hall . He shook his head and laid down on the bed . " Oh man , " Nolafus thought to himself . " What have I done ? " " You have visitors , follow me . " The guard instructed , fumbling with the keys on his belt . Nolafus got up and waited for the guard to unlock the gate . The bars slid open , but the guard stood in the way . " Don 't try anything stupid . " He warned , patting the baton securely fastened to his belt and stepping aside . Nolafus walked into the hallway and continued down with the guard following after . As he walked past the various cells , humans and srains alike tried to reach through the bars and pull him closer to them . Nolafus dodged and weaved along the sea of shouting voices and snaring traps until he passed the last of the cells . Nolafus found himself at a point where the hallway split off into two sections and paused . The guard turned him down the hall to the right and pushed the young srain towards the door at the far end . Nolafus , surprised by the sudden momentum , tripped and fell on the floor . Nolafus slowly got on his feet and started to make his way towards the door once again . The guard , once they reached the door , punched in a code and opened it . Nolafus was led inside and into a booth , where his parents were there to meet him on the other side of the glass . Nolafus sat down in the chair and picked up a phone that hung on the wall . His mom did the same with another phone on the other side of the glass . Nolafus ' dad took a deep breath and banged his fist against the wall . " You need to learn some respect boy ! Every time you do something stupid , we 've had to bail you out . Then you say to us how you 're going to change and leave that stupid gang of yours , but you never do . A couple months later and you 're back in here . You 're an embarrassment to our family and this time , you 're going to stay . You 're going to think about what you 've done . " " Oh , I get it . " Nolafus said leaning back in his chair . " You 're making me think that you aren 't going to bail me out to teach me a lesson , but you are . " Nolafus ' dad shouted through the phone . " You just killed another srain damn it ! Don 't you even care ! You should just be thankful they decided not to try you as an adult ! You know what ? I hope you rot in here ! When they release you when you 're eighteen , don 't think of coming back home . There won 't be a family to wait for you . You 're on your own . You aren 't my son . Guards came rushing towards Nolafus and dragged him away from the window . Nolafus tried to wriggle out from under the tangled mess of arms , but it was no use . He continued to struggle and fight until a guard grabbed his bottle of pepper spray . Nolafus screamed as the burning liquid made contact with his eyes . The guards wrestled him back into his cell and closed the gate . Nolafus threw himself down on his bed and punched the wall . Nolafus looked over at the sink and walked over to it . He turned the knob and the water came pouring out . The water fell into the srain 's cupped hands and then up to his face . Nolafus tried rubbing the pepper spray away with the water , but it was of little use . He looked up at a mirror above the sink . It had been smashed by an apparently disgruntled inmate who was sick of looking at himself . When Nolafus looked into it , he was taken aback . Through the cracks , Nolafus saw a srain , but it wasn 't him . This srain had bloodshot eyes and a mouth that seemed to form a permanent frown . The srain in the mirror , Nolafus thought , looked like a murderer . It looked like it belonged in here . Nolafus punched the mirror causing it to shatter into a million pieces . Nolafus screamed as shards were sent into his hand . He took a couple steps back and tripped over the corner of the beds , causing him to fall back and smash his head on the concrete floor . When Nolafus awoke , he found that he wasn 't in his cell . He was still in the prison because of the guards standing by the door of this room , but he wasn 't sure where . A human wheeled his way over to the bed Nolafus laid in . This human was wearing a white lab coat and a surgical face mask , but removed the mask when he neared the bed . " Look who finally woke up . " The doctor said , smiling . " Well , when the guards found you , you were out cold on the floor of your cell in a pool of blood . " The doctor said , reaching a hand forward . " Hold up , don 't pick at that bandage there . " " Smart . " The doctor said wheeling over to a counter and picking up a container full of pills . " You will be given two of these pills three times a day , two at breakfast , lunch , and dinner . " " Well , " The doctor said placing the pills back on the counter . " We 've had problems before with inmates , umm … misusing them in the past , so we hand them out now . If you 'll excuse me , I have to treat somebody that decided to pick a fight with the wrong karate master . " The doctor stood up and walked over to a human that had casts on both his arms and on one of his legs . Nolafus laid his head down and tried to fall asleep . Despite being here at the prison several times before , he had never been in the infirmary before . He always had his parents bail him out before anything happened . Nolafus sat up at the thought of his parents . " They can 't just leave me here , I 'm their son for crying out loud . " He thought to himself . The young srain felt anger rising throughout his body , " They can 't do this to me , they don 't understand . They never understand . " Something inside Nolafus ' head snapped and waved of pain cascaded down from his head over his entire body . He screamed out in pain and fell back onto the bed . The doctor came rushing over and grabbed a couple of pills . Nolafus grabbed the pills and downed them in a heartbeat . He laid there cradling his head in his arms for what seemed like an eternity before the pain started to subside . The srain lifted his head and called over the doctor . " You 're going to be suffering from some pretty bad migraines for a while , but that one seemed really bad . " The doctor said . " Did you get emotionally worked up or something ? " " Well then , looks like we have some anger issues to work out . " The doctor said walking over to the counter and picking up a slip of paper . " Do you want to see someone about that ? " * * * Nolafus was back in his cell . The young srain laid on his bed , staring up into space . There was a bandage on his hand , but it had stopped hurting a while ago . His head was still wrapped , but the headaches were starting to dissipate . The doctor said that he was healing remarkably fast , even for a srain . In fact , Nolafus was expected to make a full recovery without as much as a headache to bother him . There was a tapping on the bars attached to his cell . Nolafus got up and turned down the hall . The hands reached through the bars and tried to ensnare Nolafus with their grip . One managed to grab a hold of Nolafus ' jumpsuit , but the guard swiftly whacked the hand with his baton . A loud crack bounced through the hall followed by a scream of pain as the prisoner reeled his broken hand back through the bars . The guard led him into the visitors ' room once again . He sat down at the booth and stared through the glass to see Anaria on the other side . Nolafus sighed and looked down . He could feel the guilt inside of him rise each time Anaria asked the question . " I don 't know . " " That doesn 't answer my question . " Anaria said , tears visibly coming into her eyes . " I don 't know ! " Nolafus shouted , his emotions came pouring out , like a dam that held too much water . " I don 't know ! I never meant to do it ! It just happened , I never meant to do it ! I don 't know why I did it , I just did ! I don 't know ! I don 't know ! " Nolafus plopped his head in his arms on the table in front of him , sobbing . " Nolafus , " Anaria cried through the phone , " I don 't know what possessed you to think all your problem would simply disappear if you shot someone . I don 't know what made you pull that trigger , but there is one thing I do know . And the one thing I do know is that still love you . As crazy as that sounds , it 's true . I tried to hate you , but I can 't . We 'll get through this together . Once you get out , we 'll go away . I don 't know where , but we will . Nolafus , I still love you . " After a break from writing to get back that spark , work on Alien Poverty has continued . Although with college , progress has been slow , but somewhat steady . This isn 't my favorite chapter , and it 's a little slow , but it 's necessary . Nolafus ' eyes flew open . He shot up and looked at his surroundings . The familiar hum of the various machines and the beep … beep … beep … of the heart - rate monitor filled his head . He gaze locked on the table and the stack of unread cards on top of it . Nolafus took a deep breath and let out a big sigh . Nolafus laid back down on the bed and glanced out of the window . A bird had landed on the window sill and was looking back and forth towards some activity not visible from this angle . The bird flew off to explore the outside world leaving Nolafus behind . Some sunlight had managed to sneak in through the panes and splashed itself onto the floor . Nolafus raised his hand into the beams , feeling the warmth . " Surgery ! " Nolafus exclaimed , dropping his hand and facing the doctor , " You mean I already went through surgery ! I dozed off for a couple minutes and I go through surgery ! " The doctor extended a hand out towards Nolafus . " Calm down , the surgery was a success and there 's nothing to be afraid of . Don 't you remember anything right before you blacked out ? " " If you 're feeling up to it , I don 't see why not . " The doctor responded standing up . " Now if you 'll excuse me , I have some other patients to check up on . " The doctor jotted a few things down on his clipboard and left . Nolafus was all alone in the room once again . He let his thoughts travel to the outside world and what might lay beyond . The srain tried to position himself so that he could see out the window a little better , but it was to no avail . Nolafus shook his head and laid back on the bed . He was sick of the room and everything in it . He wasn 't meant to be cooped up like this . Nolafus wanted to go outside and smell the fresh air , feel the warm sunlight on his entire body , not just on his hand through the window . He leaned over and picked up a couple cards from the table . Nolafus skimmed through the notes and pictures , most of them were just drawings done by some kids who wanted to write a letter to the latest super hero , and flung them back onto the table with the others . Before long , the srain had fallen asleep , only to be awoken by the sound of a closing door . " Joe ? " Nolafus asked , " What are you doing here ? " Joe quickly stood up and walked out the door without a word . Nolafus laid there puzzled for a couple minutes . Joe finally came back through the door , grinning , and with a wheelchair . Nolafus rolled his eyes and chuckled , " Sure , whatever floats your boat . Now bring that thing over to me so I can get in . The faster I can get out of this room , the better . " Joe pushed the wheelchair over next to the bed . Nolafus pushed the covers off of him and tried sliding into the chair . The srain reached out an arm to steady to wheelchair , when he applied a little too much pressure , causing it to shoot away from the bed and into a wall . Nolafus pushed the wheelchair through the doorway and into the hall . " I 'm not exactly sure where to go . " Nolafus said , looking down the hall on each side . Nolafus and Joe came into the main lobby of the hospital . Doctors and nurses were running around everywhere taking care of patients and helping people just coming inside . " Wait , am I even allowed to be out here ? " Nolafus asked , looking around him . " I don 't know if I want to go outside in the hospital gown . That 's a little embarrassing , don 't you think ? " Nolafus commented , looking down at what he was wearing . " Oh , we 're not going outside that way . " Joe said , pushing Nolafus across the lobby . " The hospital has their own garden , flower , thing that they have for patients . " Joe stopped outside a glass door . Nolafus could see rows and rows of flowers on the other side with the sun casting its warmth across the garden . There were a few other patients already exploring around the space , some with various people Nolafus could only assume were visiting friends and family while others were all by themselves . Nolafus reached for the door handle when Joe yanked back the wheelchair . " Oh , family will always be there , " Joe started , " You want to know who won 't always be there ? Chief Baker , and look who 's standing right over there . You should talk to him , he probably has something really nice to say to you . " " I 've been thinking of hiring someone to help me with my paperwork recently , and word got out . " The chief began . " When Joe and Kolski found out , they kept pestering me to offer a certain someone who had just gone through surgery the job . Eventually they got entire firehouse got involved with it , and now I 'm here . " " Don 't thank me , thank those two lunatics . " Chief Baker scoffed as he pointed to Joe and Kolski across the room who were now shooting a thumbs up over at Nolafus . " Now if you excuse me , I have some work I have to do today . " Nolafus nodded and went back to where his kids were . The srain still felt trapped in the small room , but he felt better now that he could see visitors . The next few months went passed and Nolafus finally checked himself out of the hospital . Joe continued pushing Nolafus down the concrete path away from the hospital . Despite the sun being high in the sky , a wind sent a shiver up Nolafus ' spine . He pulled his clothes tighter around him , hoping to block out the cold . The temperature had been dropping for a couple months , not that Nolafus would have noticed . He was too busy in the hospital to go outside much . Which made this moment all the sweeter . Nolafus took a big gulp of air and smiled . It felt good to finally be out . No more doctors pestering you with questions , or lying in the same room day after day . A few news reporters stopped by his room a couple months ago to do some sort of follow - up story , but there were none today . Not that Nolafus minded , he was never really one for the spotlight . The two reached the compact car and Joe swung open the passenger door for Nolafus . Nolafus hoisted himself into the seat while Joe compacted the wheelchair down and put it in the trunk . Joe hopped in the driver 's seat , started the car , and before long , was driving through the crowded streets of downtown . Nolafus shifted quietly in his seat . The car continued down the road , turning off into Nolafus ' neighborhood . Nolafus eyes widened as they neared his house . Outside waiting for him was Kolski , Badron , and Kren , all standing in front of a new , wooden ramp that looked a little out of place in front of the old house . Joe quickly hopped out and fetched Nolafus ' wheelchair out of the trunk . Once he got situated , Nolafus wheeled forward and greeted everyone . " Okay , hold on a second , " Nolafus said , turning towards Joe . " How much are you spending on me ? First there was the surgery , then there was the hospital bill , and now the lumber ? How much debt am I putting you in ? " Joe laughed , " Okay , okay . I guess I do owe you an explanation , don 't I ? Well , my wife is a lawyer , and she recently got a string of high profile cases , so we had a lot of money lying around . I managed to convince her to let us pay for your expenses , which was not easy considering she argues for a living by the way , and that 's that . We 're not broke , so you can take that off your mind . " " I don 't like talking about our financial situation , " Joe responded . " But this isn 't about me . This is about you finally being home . " Nolafus smiled and turned back towards the house . The ramp was sturdy , and held firm when Nolafus wheeled up it and to the door . Right as Nolafus opened the door , Kolski stuck his hand out , preventing Nolafus ' entry . Nolafus entered the house and did what he was told . When he entered the kitchen , Nolafus looked around for a minute . Nothing seemed too out of place . It took Nolafus a second , but he realized what was changed . A couple hours later , and the newly renovated kitchen was alive . Joe stood over the stovetops , heating up a pot full of water , while Kolski chopped up some carrots for a salad . Nolafus , given strict instructions to stay out of the kitchen , was in the living room , playing with his kids . The father was about to assist Kren 's rampage through the town that had just been built in the middle of the living room , when a knock came at the front door . Nolafus wheeled his way over and opened the door . Nolafus wheeled himself out onto the porch and closed the door behind him . He swallowed and adjusted his seating . The father felt his palms start to sweat as Susan finished tidying up her hair . The camera man handed her a microphone and hoisted the camera up to his shoulder again . Susan cleared her throat and nodded at the camera , to which the guy responded by pressing a button and a red light flickered on . " Hello , I 'm Susan Boyle , and I 'm standing here with a local hero . You heard from channel four news first about a fire that completely engulfed a suburban home that left a poor , young girl stranded on the second floor . You also heard about a brave soul that took on those flames and saved the little girl from harm , but wasn 't so lucky himself . After six , long months , the brave firefighter is finally home , out of the hospital , and ready for his first interview . Mr . Simolsen , everyone wants to know , what was going through your head ? " Nolafus swallowed , " I , uhh … my partner and I were told that there was a girl inside the house , on the second floor . When we rushed up to the door and opened it , the wave of heat made up stagger . It probably wasn 't the smartest idea to head inside , but we decided to risk it anyway . We found the little girl pretty quickly , huddled in a corner of a room . When I ran over and picked her up , I could feel the ground underneath me start to move . Looking back , I probably should have ran , but I threw the girl instead to my partner just as I was falling . That 's pretty much all I can remember . " " I had broken my back and received a concussion . The concussion is all fine now , but I remain paralyzed from the waist down . " Nolafus said , gesturing to his wheelchair . Nolafus looked around him for a second . " Are you serious ? Of course it was worth it . Would I have rather sustained no injuries ? Of course I would have , but better me than the girl . " " Such a passionate answer , " Susan commented . " And there we have it , answers from the hero himself . Just remember you saw it first on Channel Four News . " The camera man flicked a switch and the red light turned off . He gave a nod and lowered the camera from his shoulders and opened up a bag . Susan smiled at Nolafus . " We should have it all ready by eleven o ' clock ! I just know the viewers are going to love you . It 's always nice to have good stories about srains . " Susan shook her head , " Oh , don 't act like you 're surprised . With how much gang activity we have going on , it 's no wonder people don 't like you . But I just know that our viewers are going to change their mind about you ! You 're one of the few good ones around here . " Nolafus watched as the two packed everything into their van and took off down the dusty street . The father let out a deep sigh and went back into the house . Warm smells greeted him as Kolski and Joe set the table . Kolski looked up after setting down a bowl of salad . " Who was at the door ? " Nolafus shook his head . " Oh , just some reporters wanting an interview . You know , you think you make so much progress , only to have one person come by and prove that you haven 't done squat . " Nolafus nodded and wheeled himself over to the table . Badron and Kren were both already sitting down , looking at the feast before them . All across the table lay plates and bowls of mashed potatoes , fruit salad , steak , and an assortment of vegetables . Badron quietly pushed a bowl of green beans away from his side of the table as Joe passed out plates to everyone . " So , what happened while I was away ? " Nolafus asked once everyone had settled down and began eating . " Okay , that 's enough , " Badron interrupted . " It was weird living with Grandma and Grandpa . Since they lived outside our school 's county , we had a special arrangement with the school so that we wouldn 't fall behind . " " Since Grandpa used to be a teacher , the school just sent him everything we needed . It took a while for Grandma to convince the school , and Grandpa , to do it , but they eventually agreed . " Badron responded . The dinner continued on , even as the sunlight drifting through the windows faded to black . Everyone was exchanging various stories from the past few months , and even a few ones they have all heard hundreds of times before . The food on the table slowly dwindled down as the group filled their plates with seconds and thirds . Nolafus had to force Badron and Kren to eat the green beans , to which the two protested , but that was soon behind them . Once the food was gone , and the conversation died down , Joe stood up and began clearing the table . Nolafus picked up an empty bowl , but Kolski promptly took it from his hands . " C ' mon , there has to be one thing I can do . " Nolafus argued . " If you 're going to put up this much of a fight , then can you take out the trash ? " Joe asked , waving his hand in front of his nose . " It 's full and really starting to stink . " Nolafus wheeled over to the trash can and plucked out the bag . He threw it over his shoulder , which nearly made him fall backwards . After some adjustment , Nolafus wheeled over to the door and opened it . After wheeling through and closing the door behind him , Nolafus looked up . The stars spilled across the sky , filling the black canvas with white lights . I wonder which star my grand - parents called their sun , Nolafus thought . Nolafus continued looking up at the sky as he wheeled down the ramp . He could only imagine the journey his grandparents must have traveled to even get here . And what they saw here that made them want to stay . Nolafus ' thoughts were interrupted when he reached the trash cans . He lifted up the lid , plopped in the bag , and turned around . Nolafus froze . He focused on the shadow that shrouded the side of the house in darkness . He could have sworn something moved . He wheeled farther down the sidewalk in an attempt to see better , squinting his eyes as well . A cat burst forth from the shadows and ran down the street . Nolafus chuckled at the event and at how easily he was scared . He turned around and wheeled himself up the ramp . When Nolafus was about halfway up , an unseen force grabbed the back of his wheelchair and threw him down the ramp . Nolafus skidded and crashed onto the sidewalk , sending his wheelchair flying out of reach . A figure emerged from under the ramp and slowly walked over to the father . Nolafus looked at his attacker , hoping to identify the assaulter . A scaled muzzle protruded from the hood of the culprit 's jacket , and a tail swished behind his legs . Nolafus opened his mouth to yell out for help , when the attacking srain pulled out his hand from the hoodie 's pocket , revealing a pistol . He was right . Nolafus thought about what would happen if he did manage to reach it . What would he do ? All he could do was lay there on the sidewalk . The hooded srain laughed . " Oh , you don 't know me , but I know you , Nolafus Simolson , the tragic hero . Did you enjoy the attention from the news ? They made you look like a hero . But I know , and you know , that 's not true . In fact , some might even call you a murderer . " " Oh , you do remember ? I wasn 't sure after I saw you on the news . You seemed like you were so happy with yourself for saving that little girl , but we both know that you don 't save everyone . " " After you shot him ! Damn you ! No , I 'm not Juster , I 'm his father . The father that received the worst phone call any parent could receive , and then watched as his son 's murderer got off with little more than a slap on the wrist . You should have rotted in jail for the rest of your life ! " Juster 's father smiled . " Oh , that 's an easy question to answer . At first , I was just going to kill you , but when I saw the city lift you up on a pedestal like you were some sort of hero , I couldn 't let you off that easy . No , you needed to find out what true suffering felt like . You want to know what I 'm going to do ? I 'm going to leave you here , helpless as I go inside your house and make you go through the exact pain I did when I lost my son . Except , you 're going to feel the pain of losing two sons . And just so you don 't get any ideas … " The hooded srain pulled out a pair of handcuffs from his pocket , and smiled . He took a step towards Nolafus , when something struck the srain . Kolski stood where Juster 's father had a second before , as the hooded srain went tumbling into the street . Juster 's father lifted himself to all fours and looked up . A pair of headlights came thundering down the street , right at him . Juster 's father screamed and put his arms in front of his face . Nolafus lunged forward , took a hold of the attacker 's tail , and yanked as hard as he could . The car went screaming by , narrowly missing Juster 's father 's head , and continued down the street . Nolafus took a sigh of relief . Juster 's father slowly put his arms down and looked around . Nolafus sighed , " Look , I know this probably doesn 't mean anything , but I 'm sorry . I don 't know what it feels like to lose one of your own children , and I hope I never do . One feeling I do know is the feeling of being haunted . I 'm haunted by that day I killed your son . For years , I would wake up every night , panting and crying over what I had did . Even today , I still have to relive that day in my dreams at least once a week . There isn 't a day that goes by that I think about what I did . Every day , I wish I could take it all back so much that it aches . Do you want to know why I became a firefighter ? I became one because I thought that if I saved as many people as I possibly could , the pain would go away . It didn 't . I didn 't ask for the news coverage , it just happened . Do I feel like a hero ? No , I don 't , and I never will . Once again , I can 't imagine what you must have gone through , but just know that I 'm sorry with every fiber of my being . It doesn 't do anything , but I 'm sorry , and that 's all I can really say . " " And there 's no way you 're leaving , so just stay on the ground . " Kolski added as he walked over and grabbed Nolafus ' wheelchair . Juster 's father sighed and rolled over onto his stomach . Kolski helped Nolafus back into his wheelchair . Once Nolafus was settled , the father turned around to see Badron standing at the base of the ramp . Nolafus wheeled over and wrapped Badron in a huge embrace . " Yeah , that 's why , " Nolafus answered . Badron took a step back , and the two of them went inside the house . Nolafus didn 't want to see the police come . He never really liked them . All he wanted to do was head inside and spend time with his kids . He never wanted to waste another moment . Now that it 's all over , I 'm very much relieved . As many of you know , this was my very first writing project that I took seriously . Looking back , I probably should have started off with a short story , but oh well . I know I have a lot to learn , but I 'm proud of myself for finishing an idea . I 've ditched two other chaptered story ideas , so it feels good to have one that 's completed . Not to mention I can finally start working on other ideas I have ! Is this my strongest work ? Not even close , you should go check out some of my short stories for that , but that 's not the point . I learned a lot writing this out , like how keeping to a theme is nearly impossible . Alien Poverty got really off track of what I originally planned it to be . In case you were wondering how far off track it got , Nolafus was never supposed to go to the hospital , he was supposed to go to jail instead . So , with that in mind , I really didn 't have a plan for this past chapter seven . In fact , the reason this is so short is that I just wanted to end it before it got even more off track . So , I tried my best to do with what I had created . Not much else to say about your technique , as I 'm not a pro . But I really enjoyed the story . I 'm sort of curious about the arrival of the srains to earth , etc . Keep up the work , and good job seeing this through to the end . Not much else to say about your technique , as I 'm not a pro . But I really enjoyed the story . I 'm sort of curious about the arrival of the srains to earth , etc . Keep up the work , and good job seeing this through to the end . Thanks ! I was quite nervous when I saw someone replied , but I 'm glad you liked it . I had a plan to let readers know how srains came to Earth , but that fell apart . Pokémon characters and images belong to The Pokémon Company International and Nintendo . 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One of my high school girl friends came from a very very religious family . They were from a Christian sect that didn 't allow dancing , rock music and many other things that were considered extreme by their religion . One day I was invited to go to church with my friend . I had no idea what that would entail . Church was every afternoon and my friend arrived to pick me up to go to the meeting . Her mother was driving a large pick - up truck and we all climbed into the truck bed . It was then that my friend informed me that we were going to drive around the base and try to get military personnel to get into the back of the truck with us . Then it was our job to convince the guys that they should come to church and be saved . So we drove around the base and around town and when we saw a guy on the street we would yell : " You wanna come with us ? " . Of course most men would jump at the chance to ride around with a group of pretty young girls , and they always agreed to head over to the church with us . Once the back of the truck was filled with guys , we would head over to the church . When we arrived at the church , all of the girls were separated from the guys and it became apparent to the guys that they were there to " save their souls " . Most guys would make as quick an exit as possible but they were usually trapped until after the service . This went on for about two weeks before I decided it was not my cup of tea . It became more and more uncomfortable for me until finally , I told my friend I no longer wanted to participate in her recruiting process . I was through with church for awhile . The next event before graduation was " Senior Sneak Day " , where all the seniors skipped school for an outing . We took a bus to a lake in Kentucky where we would spend the day . There was a lodge for us to stay in and the plan was to spend the day swimming in the lake . Unfortunately , it rained , so we were unable to swim and ended up spending the day inside the lodge . The bus trip home was a bus drivers nightmare . Kids were throwing food , jockey straps and anything else they could find around the bus . The night before graduation I drove around with Guy and another school friend . We drove over the bridge to West Memphis and then came back to Memphis and drove by Graceland . We had pooled our money to buy twenty - five cents worth of gas . That gave us over a gallon of gas . In late May , 1960 , I graduated from high school . The ceremony was light and humorous . The school band played Pomp and Circumstance , but didn 't play very well , so all eyes were rolling and there was a sigh of relief when it finally ended . My dress stayed in one piece , it didn 't fall off of me as my Mother had implied . And Guy became very excited when he opened the diploma folder to find an actual diploma inside . I celebrated my graduation quietly because I had caught a cold and didn 't feel well . As the graduation date from Millington Central High School approached , I found myself engrossed in sewing . Actually , I really disliked sewing , but I did it because it was required . I did enjoy the outfits I made after they were completed . It was getting them completed that was always a problem for me . I disliked sewing so much that I would use whatever short cut I could think of when making something , including pinning my unfinished article of clothing together . My Home Economics teacher had told me she wasn 't going to allow me to graduate unless I completed the hand made baby dress that I thought was a stupid project . Everything about the dress had to be hand made , we weren 't allowed to use a sewing machine . It had to be smocked and the edges had to be scalloped . All by hand . I was also making my graduation dress at the same time . My dress was an organdy white dress with small blue flowers on the fabric . It was sleeveless with a scoop neck and full skirt . It had a blue cummerbund which I sewed with a matching blue fabric . In order to graduate , I had to rush the baby dress and make sure I handed it in before the actual graduation day . I finally completed it the day before graduation . The baby dress was far from perfect , but it allowed me to graduate with my class . And besides , I planned on buying all of my baby clothes from a department store . The graduation dress was looking good , but I didn 't have time to sew the snaps onto the cummerbund . So I was creative and pinned the cummerbund . I also had to pin a few seams . I used safety pins and pinned myself together . My Mother was appalled , scolding me for a half - ass job . I didn 't care , I thought I looked good and I didn 't think anyone would be the wiser about me pinning myself together . I always had many guys around me , but my younger sister , Linda , was more of a boy magnet than I . Linda was 13 years old , and had long brown hair and brown eyes . Linda was one of those girls that just attracted boys . She had boys proposing to her when she was in grade school . Boys were always bringing her flowers , candy and jewelry . One day at the geedunk a young boy approached me asking me if I would help him by telling my sister Linda nice things about him . He was about fifteen years old , thin and gangling . He had brown hair and was usually dressed in jeans and a tee - shirt . I checked him out carefully , then told him I would help him with my sister if he would do things for me when asked . He agreed , and I put him to work . Every time we both were in the geedunk I would ask him to do chores for me . Usually it was getting me small items like silverware and napkins , or returning my tray when I finished eating . He always willingly did whatever I asked him to do without complaints . I quickly decided on the nickname " Slave Boy " as a name for this young man . Whenever I saw him I 'd call out : " Hi Slave Boy ! " Soon , other people were calling him " Slave Boy " . He would blush but never said he didn 't want to be called Slave Boy . I did my best to get Linda interested in Slave Boy , after all , I wanted him to continue doing chores for me . But Linda wasn 't taking the bait . She was too young to date , but even if she 'd been old enough to date , Linda wasn 't interested . Slave Boy remained my " errand boy " for the entire year and even though I set up several meetings with Linda , nothing happened between the two of them . Slowly , Slave Boy and I lost touch with one another . Posted at 05 : 00 AM in 1960 Millington | Permalink I had such hope for the new decade , but there was a lingering cloud hovering over 1960 . First there was the disappearance of Tom , then the death of my friend Sally 's father . Now I was receiving news from California that was very disheartening . My Grandpa T . had been in remission from his cancer , but there was a recurrence . He had been doing well for so long , but once the cancer had returned , he began going downhill very quickly . Apparently it was a very aggressive cancer and doctors did not give my grandfather much hope . The other persons going through difficult times back home if California were my cousin Michael and my Aunt Avis . My cousin Michael had been released from the boys camp and had received a new Corvette from my Aunt and Uncle , his parents . He quickly totaled it in a wreck on the freeway . Rumors were that Michael was doing drugs . My Aunt Avis hadn 't been happy in her marriage to my Uncle for many years . My Uncle Tim ruled the roost , dominating the marriage in ways that were common in those days . My Aunt was not allowed to do anything on her own without permission from my Uncle . My Uncle chose the furniture in their home , chose my Aunt 's clothing and told her what to wear , told her what to cook , and expected a spotless home . My Aunt had taken to alcohol . She hid it everywhere and drank from a coffee cup so that my Uncle wouldn 't know she was drinking . My Aunt was very unhappy with the marriage and repeatedly attempted suicide . She had overdosed on pills , stabbed herself in the stomach and most recently , thrown herself out of a moving car that my Uncle had been driving . By some miracle , my Aunt continued to survive . It was the night before our college testing , a test comparable to today 's SAT 's , that I learned of my Aunts latest suicide attempt . I adored my Aunt Avis , and thought she was one of the nicest people in the world . I went into school very depressed on the day of college testing . I usually got very good grades , I was considered very smart , but I was so upset that I didn 't do as well as I wanted . Not that it mattered much , I knew my parents couldn 't afford to send me to college . The play was a huge success and my part went well with the exception of one small problem . I was playing an elderly woman , in a tea room eating cake and drinking tea . The props department had placed a piece of cake on the table and I was supposed to take a small bite of it . During the rehearsal I had just pretended to take a bite of the cake , so once I was onstage it was the first time I had actually taken a bite of the cake . I used my fork to cut a piece of the chocolate fudge cake that had been placed on the table in front of me . The cake felt rather stiff and stale , so I pushed down hard with my fork . The larger piece of the cake went flying across the stage . I was so surprised and amused that I couldn 't help myself , and I laughed aloud . Once I laughed the audience joined in and laughed too . I had to quickly gain control and continue the play and my lines . But I had a difficult time not showing my amusement at the situation . During the entire play I scanned the audience looking for Tom . I never saw him . After the play ended I went to the places I 'd seen Tom . I went to the geedunk , the All Hands Dances , anywhere I thought he might be , I was there , looking for Tom . I never found him . While I was sitting alone in my room , feeling very blue , I received a phone call from my friend Sally who lived in Munford . Her father had died suddenly of a heart attack . I hadn 't really had to deal with the death of a friend or family member up until this time . Even though Sally 's father and I weren 't extremely close , it hit me hard . Life and love could be taken from an individual in a flash . This was a new and very difficult time , dealing with loss . I continued seeing Tom , either at the geedunk or at the All Hands Dances . We never went out on a date , simply because of my Mother 's disapproval . But I did meet him in public places two or three times a week . We would spend hours talking with one another , he was quickly becoming my best friend . Tom was from Los Angeles , and we were both home sick , so we had plenty to talk about . But just as I was really falling for him , Tom announced that he had received his orders and he would be leaving in late April and would be going to Imperial Beach , California . It wasn 't home , but it was so close , it was just like going home . In the meantime , the Senior Class play was l was in was getting closer to production . I was playing an old woman , and had to practice walking and acting like a little old lady . At the dress rehearsal I found out my hair would be covered with talcum powder to make it look gray . Tom had agreed that before he left for California he would attend the play . It was bittersweet . I really wanted to see Tom at the play , but I didn 't want to say goodbye to him . The nights of the performances arrived , and I nervously searched the audience looking for Tom . I didn 't see him . The second performance I repeated my visual search of the audience . No Tom . Again on the third night , no Tom . It was late April and there was only a few more days and Tom would be gone to California . I went to the geedunk : no Tom . I went to an All Hands Dance : no Tom . I looked and looked , but I didn 't see him . Tom was gone . During the time that I hadn 't seen Tom , I continued to go to the All Hands Dances , and I met a tall , good looking sailor from Canada . He was 6 ' 4 " , had dark hair and blue eyes . I was playing the field , and left all options open , so when he asked me out , I accepted . We went out several times , mostly to the movies . His name was Norman , and I liked him but I wasn 't crazy about him . I was crazy about Tom . Norman had looks and was really nice , but just didn 't have a lot of personality . After seeing Tom in the geedunk I went to the next All Hands Dance . Norman was there and we danced together . Then Tom arrived at the dance . I tried to juggle my way between the two guys , but I couldn 't hide my feelings , and I showed a preference for Tom . I danced a few more times with Norman , but then spent most of my time with Tom . I was moonstruck when I looked at Tom . I couldn 't help myself . Norman was sweet , and after I danced several more dances with Tom , he disappeared . I don 't think I noticed he had left until I began to feel guilty about not dancing with him more . I looked around , and Norman was gone . I couldn 't be sad because I was so happy being with Tom . I was really having a good time with him . I saw Norman a few times after that , but our relationship was never the same . I couldn 't pretend that I really liked him , and I think Norman was looking for a wife . My relationship with Norman just fizzled out after that night . My life was filled with going to school and during the evenings rehearsals for the Senior Class play . In between , I would head over to the base and go into the geedunk after school . The geedunk was like a small cafe / soda fountain located on the base . It was a place where the military personnel stationed in Millington hung out . And if there were Sailors or Marines around , I was sure to be there too . I would stop by the geedunk after school ; usually I would buy a coke and talk to friends . Sometimes a girlfriend would go with me , but I was usually alone . I knew many of the guys that came into the geedunk and would joke around with them . It was several weeks after meeting Tom that we ran into one another at the geedunk . I was thrilled to see him again . We found an empty table , sat together and we talked for about an hour . We talked about everything , from art to sports and beyond . Tom was very bright and able to hold his own on most topics . He had a great sense of humor plus he was a gentleman . I was in love ! Then we went into one of those coin operated instant photo booths . We had our photo taken as we kissed one another . It was a passion pit while we waited for the photos to develop . Finally it was time to depart . We set a time to meet again , and I went home , floating all the way , on top of the world , on cloud nine . Word was out in mid - February that Elvis would soon be getting out of the Army and returning to the USA . There was excitement everywhere in Memphis . The radio disc jockeys played Elvis songs and reminded the kids that the King would soon return . The kids were all abuzz and traffic in front of Graceland began to increase . Everyone was very excited . Elvis arrived back in the USA on March 2 , 1960 , and the next day arrived in New Jersey , where he boarded a train and began the journey back home to Memphis . It was a school day , and after school I came home to watch Dick Clark , because American Bandstand was supposed to show film of Elvis ' return . But it was very cold that day , and that was the excuse used for not airing Elvis arrival film . Crowds gathered along the train trip that brought Elvis back to Memphis . Elvis reportedly came out of the train periodically and waved to the onlookers . It was snowing on the morning that Elvis arrived in Memphis . There was about an inch of snow and the temperature was in the thirties . Elvis arrived on the morning of March 7 , 1960 at Union Station , where about 200 fans waited . It was a school day so most of the kids weren 't able to go to greet Elvis . He greeted the fans who did make it out to greet him , then was swooped away by his friend , the Police Chief of Memphis , who drove him home to Graceland . The King was home . Posted at 05 : 00 AM in 1960 Millington | Permalink There had been a lot of tension when Tom had left my house , and it was three weeks until I saw Tom again . I really liked Tom and I would have done most anything to continue seeing him , but he had chosen to back away . In the meantime , I kept busy with friends , going to the movies and I even tried out for the Senior Class play . I got a part playing a little old lady . I did everything to keep busy and to keep from thinking about Tom . I went to another All Hands Dance , primarily to look for Tom , but he wasn 't there . I did meet another guy though . He was tall , about 6 ' 4 " , and very good looking . His name was Norman and he was originally from Canada . I liked him , but his personality just didn 't reach out to me . He was nice , but there were no fireworks . But out of lonliness and to keep myself busy , I continued to see Norman . It was never serious though , at least not on my part . The next day Tom called me and I invited him to my house . I introduced him to my family , then we went down to the drugstore fountain and had lunch . We talked about everything , music , art , cars and more . We had similar interests and we were very compatible . After lunch we went back to my house and went into my room and listened to records and talked some more . I left the bedroom door open , and it was all very innocent . Guy stopped by and came in for a few minutes , but quickly left . Tom stayed until late afternoon and then had to get back to the base . I was falling for Tom , and falling hard . After Tom left , my Mother called me in the kitchen and started in on me . She was angry , and told me I wasn 't allowed to see Tom again . I was confused , I didn 't know why she was acting the way she was . She got on my case for my allowing Tom in my room . I reminded her that Guy came into my room all the time , and she was never upset about him coming into my room and that the door was wide open the entire time . I had been taught from an early age not to be prejudice against other races and religions , so I was shocked when my Mother told me she didn 't want me going out with Tom and she brought up the subject of him being Hispanic . I defended Tom , telling my Mother he was half Indian and half french . My Mother laughed and claimed that he was obviously actually Mexican . I couldn 't believe what my Mother was saying . At that moment I hated her . My Mother insisted I was not to see Tom again . I decided I would just meet him away from home . Posted at 05 : 00 AM in 1960 Millington | Permalink I went to the All Hands Dance in late January , 1960 , dressed in a blue taffeta dress that I had sewn earlier in the month . I was feeling good that night , and confident . I attended the dances often , so I knew some of the other girls there . As usual , there was a live band playing music . I arrived shortly after the dance began and I scanned the room for friends . As I looked about the room I spotted a good looking sailor and my eyes met his . Our eyes locked and then he approached me and asked me to dance . I was fascinated by this good looking guy . I learned his name was Tom , he was a sailor just a few months older than I . He was about 5 ' 10 " , thin and almost eighteen years old . He had dark hair and brown eyes . He told me that his mother was American Indian and his father was French . He was very charming and I loved his smile . We danced every dance and I fell for him hook , line and sinker . I didn 't know there was anyone else in that room . When the dance was over , Tom asked for my phone number and we made a date to meet the next day . Posted at 05 : 00 AM in 1960 Millington | Permalink One of the first events to occur in 1960 was a snow storm . It was the coldest weather I 'd ever experienced but I layered my clothing and went out to make a snowman . It was too cold for me , I couldn 't handle the chill . I did make a snowball , but it looked more like a snow pancake than a snowball . School was closed for several days because of the snow , an unique experience for me . I still didn 't have a boyfriend , but I did date , usually a double date or within a group of my friends . Guy continued to hang out and we went to the drugstore fountain several times a week , usually after school . Life was good , I was going to the movies , and I even went up to Munford and spent the weekend with my friend Sue . Her family welcomed me with open arms . I ran into my former arch enemy , Catherine . We discussed Maylon and decided we were both better off without him . I went to a school basketball game and saw Marion , who didn 't speak to me . Toward the end of January I decided to go to an All Hands Dance . I usually went to the dances several times a month , but this dance was different . Across the room I spotted a guy . Our eyes locked . I knew I wanted to meet him . Apparently the feeling was mutual . He asked me to dance . The year was quickly winding down and winter was setting in . I enjoyed shopping and I sent small Christmas gifts to my friends back in California . I bought gifts for everyone in my family and spent the days before Christmas wrapping my gifts and the gifts from Santa for my younger siblings . Christmas morning arrived and my little brother William woke all of us . I opened my gifts , which was mainly clothing . I also received a transistor radio , which were very popular at the time . It had an ear plug so I could listen to my music without others hearing it . I looked like a Martian after receiving my radio , wandering around with the wires coming out of my ear . New Year 's eve was another quiet day . I did some shopping at the base , spent some of my Christmas money and did some typing for my Dad . Then I went to the library and checked out Wuthering Heights . Then I spent the evening babysitting , reading and watching Dick Clark ring in 1960 . I was ready for a new decade . My daily routine consisted of going to school , then after school Guy would usually come over to our house . Sometimes some of my girl friends would come over , too . Often , I 'd go to the drugstore fountain with a group of kids , Guy was usually tagging along behind me . About twice a month , I would go to the All Hands Dance as a USO girl . I loved dancing and I usually danced every dance . I met many handsome guys but wasn 't dating any of them at this time . I just went to the dances to dance and have fun . I succeeded at my goal . Once in awhile I would go on a date but it would always be with a group or a double date . I chose not to be exclusive during this time . I read a lot of classical books during this time . I enjoyed English Literature and spent many evenings with my nose buried in a book . I continued to go to the movies two or three times a week and babysitting was still the way I earned my spending money . When I did get money , I would go to Memphis on the bus and shop for new clothes . My wardrobe was growing by leaps and bounds . The most popular disc jockey in Memphis was a close friend of Elvis Presley . George Klein had gone to Humes High School with Elvis and had worked for Elvis before Elvis went into the Army . He had been a radio personality and while Elvis was in Germany , George Klein gained in popularity and became the top disc jockey in Memphis . On his radio show , he went by DJ - GK . Every kid in Memphis listened to DJ - GK . He played the best music , including Elvis music and he told stories about Elvis every once in awhile . Like all radio DJ 's , DJ - GK would make personal appearances and broadcast from different public areas . The girls would swarm to the broadcasting site hoping for any Elvis crumbs . I was one of those girls . DJ - GK appeared in Millington several times and I would head over to the broadcast site and just hang around . During the broadcast DJ - GK would talk to different kids while the music was playing . I tried but never gained his attention . I ended up just hanging around the radio sites listening to music and watching other girls throw themselves at DJ - GK . I did well in school and got good grades . The class that gave me a problem was Home Economics . My teacher was an older woman , who looked liked she was ready for retirement . The class concentrated on learning tasks that I felt were useless , such as canning food , tailoring a suit and making a baby dress by hand . I thought those were all jobs that I would never do . Canned and frozen food were available in the Supermarket , I bought my clothes already tailored at the shopping center and I was adamant that if I were ever to have a baby , I 'd buy all of her clothing in a department store . Most of the local Tennessee girls took all of this domesticity to heart , and worked very hard to learn the lessons . I was usually rolling my eyes at the assignments , and trying to scrape through them . There was an annual fashion show , where the girls modeled clothing they had made . I loved fashion design , so I asked to be involved in this project . The teacher allowed me to take control of the fashion show , but threatened that I better not mess it up . I approached it very seriously , studying the current fashion magazines , like Glamour and Vogue . I studied what was written about the fashions in the magazines and the current popular styles . Then I wrote the script for the description of each outfit and when the fashion show was held , I was the master of ceremonies . My teacher had told me to check and make sure each girl had shown up before going on stage . I checked the girls who would be modeling in the first half of the fashion show , but not the second half . When the fashion show began , the first half went beautifully , with the girls modeling while I described what each girl was wearing . I looked out into the audience and saw my teacher smiling . Then the second half of the fashion show began . I hadn 't checked to see if all the girls were in attendance for the second half of the show . Unfortunately , quite a few girls didn 't show up , so I was often describing an outfit that wasn 't being modeled . It turned into a disaster . My teacher 's smile had sunk into a huge frown . She was furious with me and the remainder of my year in home economics was made more miserable because of my roll in the fashion show . Once I started taking the bus into Memphis , segregation was impossible not to notice . On the bus , I 'd sit with the other white folk . Blacks went straight to the back of the bus , obediently . It struck me how strange it was that the front of the bus looked neat and clean , yet the back of the bus always seemed ill cared for and dirty . Once in Memphis , I couldn 't help but notice the different drinking fountains and washrooms for black and white . To say I was shocked , was putting it mildly . Even Soda Fountains had different areas for blacks and whites . Driving through the country you would see the homes that blacks lived in . Most were wooden shacks that were very small . You would see a group of shacks with boys outside , playing sports , mostly basketball . There were cotton fields where you would see families of blacks picking cotton . The wages for this back breaking job were minimal , each bag of cotton picked was worth a small salary of less than a dollar . The segregation was something I had a problem dealing with , but while I was still in high school , I chose not to deal with it . I watched , listened and learned . There was no good news from our family in California . My Grandpa T . had been going to Mexico to get laetrile for as long as he could safely take it , and it had seemed to put his cancer in remission . The doctors had given him six months to live and he 'd gone nearly five years . Now his cancer was active again , and spreading quickly . Laetrile can only be taken for a limited time before it will poison your body . My Grandpa had reached the maximum level , and may have been poisoned if he had continued taking the medication . My Grandfather often wrote to me , and told me he was in pain . He told me to never eat processed foods , including sugar or white flour . He blamed processed foods for his cancer . He smoked , and even though he knew the correlation between cigarettes and cancer , he personally didn 't blame the cigarettes for causing his cancer . My Aunt Avis wasn 't doing much better . She apparently was very unhappy with her life and had attempted suicide several times . Most recently she threw herself out of the vehicle my Uncle was driving . She had also tried slashing her wrists , stabbing herself in the stomach and taking pills . Thus far she hadn 't succeeded in killing herself , but she had tried so many times that it became obvious she would probably succeed one of these days . After trying to derail a train , my cousin Michael had moved home . The friction between Michael and my Uncle Tim had increased and my Aunt Avis coddled Michael , probably to make up for the lack of caring from my uncle . After he had been home for awhile , my Aunt Avis convinced my Uncle to buy Michael a car . The car Michael selected was a brand new corvette . Michael didn 't have even a week with his corvette . He wrecked the car , crashing it in a single car accident on one of the local freeways . The brand new car was totaled . Michael wasn 't working and he wasn 't going to school . He would sleep late and then just disappear , to do whatever he did in the afternoon and evenings . Michael had never learned to read , and now I would suspect that he was dyslexic . Lack of the ability to read was devastating to my cousin . It prevented him from being able to work , or to continue his education . And so he began hanging around with seedy characters every day . I loved shopping or when I didn 't have money , window shopping . Now that we were living in Millington I could take a bus into Memphis . In those days going downtown meant dressing up . No one went downtown without wearing their best clothing . So I would dress up in a dress , ( never pants , too tacky ! ) heels and sometimes a hat and gloves . I loved dressing " to the nines " , so I didn 't mind the " dress up " routine . Once in Memphis , I would shop or window shop . I had several small stores that I loved to visit . There was a shoe store that would always have really nice shoes on sale . The first pair of shoes I bought from the store turned out to be one of my favorite pairs of shoes . They were blue suede high heels , with pointed toes and about a three inch heel . I had paid only two dollars for the pair , and even in those days that was a great deal . Most of the buildings in Memphis were made of brick , and were only four or five stories high . There were a few large department stores , and many small mom and pop stores . I loved going in all of them . I knew about Beale Street and was anxious to see it . I was a seventeen year old girl , and Beale Street at that time was where all of the black musicians had gigs . One day I got brave enough to wander about a half block down Beale Street . I was out of place with all black men on the street . It was broad daylight so there was no music coming from the clubs along the street . The musicians were what I really wanted to see , anyway . I didn 't walk far and then turned around and went back to the main street . I was proud of myself for exposing myself to Beale Street , but I was too afraid to do much exploring . Bob was a Chief Petty Officer and his job in Millington was to teach the younger servicemen . He taught airplane hydraulics . Young servicemen would request orders to attend the hydraulics school and those who were selected to attend would go through the classes for the required time to complete the class . Millington had several of these educational classes to train servicemen , including airplane hydraulics and airplane electrician . One day Bob asked me to come by his office and told me he would pay me to type some papers for him . I went over and had to walk by a half dozen young , very cute guys to get into Bob 's office . I became very excited . After that first day , Bob never had to pay me a dime to get me to go to his office . Every time I went I would see really cute guys , and usually more than one . I would sit in the office and type on an old Remington typewriter . I would usually be there for an hour or two , and while I was there guys would come in and out of the office . Some would speak to me , others wouldn 't . Some days Bob would actually be working on a jet , and several times he asked me to climb into the pilots seat . He would show me a button and then tell me : " When I tell you to , push that button " . I would follow his directions and push the button when told to do so . I didn 't know what I was doing , but I liked to brag that I had sat in the pilots seat of a Navy Jet . All of the military bases have a movie theater , and Millington was no exception . The good thing about going to a base movie was the low cost . It was ten cents to see movies . The bad thing was we would get the movies after they had been at the theater 's for a long time and just about to be removed from regular theaters . In today 's terms , the movies would be about to go to DVD . With such great prices , I was constantly at the movies . I saw every movie that came out , especially the " B " movies , which were very popular with most of the sailors . Every few days a new movie would be on the bill . Most of the time I would go by myself and often I 'd meet one or more friends . I would sit at the front part of the theater , and usually I 'd rest my feet on the seat in front of mine . When I sat in the front of the theater , I 'd usually be alone . When I sat with friends , I sat more to the rear of the theater . The movie I saw most often was an Elvis movie , Flaming Star . I probably saw it about fifteen times . Most movies I saw once , and never watched them again . I saw some really good movies , like North by Northwest and Pillow Talk and some not so good movies , like some of those " B " movies so popular with the sailors . Most important , I grew to love going to the movies . I saw all of the really good movies , and was always anxious for the next one on the bill . Once I began attending Millington Central High School , I began making friends with other girls . One girl , Karen , became my best friend . Karen was a cute blond , and was a year younger than me . She wore glasses but looked very cute in them . Karen and I got along great and spent a lot of time together . In the fall of 1959 , Karen told me about the All Hands Dances . Sponsored by the U . S . O . ( United Service Organization ) , the All Hands Dances were held on Friday nights for the military men stationed at the Naval Air Station in Millington . The USO encouraged local single girls to come to the dances and dance with the service men . There was always a live band , usually a well known group , but not a current star . Karen told me about the dances and asked me to go with her . I loved to dance , and it sounded like fun , so I agreed to go . We arrived shortly after the dance began . There were hundreds of military men and a few dozen girls . It was a dream come true for a boy crazy girl . I danced every dance that night . I never turned down a guy , no matter what he looked like I danced with him , just to enjoy dancing . I didn 't dance with the same guy more than a few times . I had a great time , I loved dancing with all the guys . The All Hands Dances were to become an important part of my life . Guy was around me more and more , and even before Harry left he would hang out at my house . He was becoming more and more like a brother to me . He would look me up at school , appear at my door after school , go with me to the movies and the drug store malt shop . It got so people would ask me : " Where 's Guy ? " when he wasn 't with me . Guy was just a nice guy and I enjoyed being with him , but I had no romantic interest in him . I let him know we were friends only , and he accepted that situation . And there were many times I enjoyed having Guy around . He would know when I liked another guy and would disappear . I would encourage him with the girls he liked . My family grew to know and love Guy since he was always around . Bob would tease me about him and I would just roll my eyes . I tried telling him we were just friends but that just brought about more teasing . There was a local television show , called The Big Beat . It was very similar to American Bandstand and the show would feature musicians and singers , while local kids danced . One afternoon a bunch of kids from my school went into Memphis to appear on The Big Beat . I was unable to go , so I stayed home and watched the show on television . As the kids danced on the show , the television cameras zoomed in on a close - up of Guy . My little brother , William , was watching the show with us . William was only about four years old at the time , and when he saw Guy on TV , he became very excited . " Guy 's in the TV " , he exclaimed several times . But then , William became confused and began looking in back of the TV . " How is Guy going to get out ? " , he wanted to know . Goin ' On Highway 51 One of the first things I had wanted to do when we arrived in Tennessee was to visit Graceland . I was a huge Elvis fan , I had all of his records and I could rattle off Elvis facts without stopping to think . I had seen Elvis perform in Hawaii and was interested in anything Elvis . When we first drove into Tennessee we had driven past Graceland , but it was night time and we couldn 't really see much . While living in Munford , we were far enough away from Memphis to make it difficult to sight - see there . But once we moved to Millington , we were close enough to Memphis to visit often . There was even bus service to and from Memphis from Millington . The main road from Millington to Memphis was Highway 51 , which ran north and south , and Graceland was located on Highway 51 . Highway 51 in Memphis would later be renamed Elvis Presley Boulevard . Before Harry left , he decided to drive me around Memphis and show me the city . As usual , Guy and his latest girlfriend were with us . We drove over to Graceland first , and just pulled up in front of the gate . My first reaction was surprise that it was not as big as it appeared in photographs . Graceland was an old fashioned southern mansion with a masonry - wall surrounding the property . The gate to the fence was the famous musical notes with the Elvis caricatures . In those days , Graceland was the only building in the area . Only vacant lots were close . There were no sidewalks in front of the wall , you could pull up on the dirt in front of the fence . After a few minutes of checking out the property , we left Graceland and headed west , and drove over the Mississippi River , into West Memphis , Arkansas . Once in Arkansas , we didn 't do anything but drive around . The guys explained to me that liquor and porn were much more access - able in West Memphis , so that many kids would drive over there . We drove around West Memphis for about 20 minutes then decided to return to Millington . Once again we drove up Highway 51 . Once again we stopped at Graceland for a few minutes . Elvis was gone , off in Germany with the Army , serving his country . His father was living in Germany too , but his cousin and other relatives were still in the Graceland . I didn 't see anyone , and after a few minutes we headed north , back to Millington . After my experiences with Maylon and Marion , I wasn 't very interested in dating . I had been burnt and didn 't want to repeat those situations . I didn 't date over the summer or at the beginning of the school year . But then I met Harry . Harry was a classmate and another military brat . He attended the same high school as I did and I became friends with Harry and his friend Guy . Guy was a sweet kid who had been in an auto accident and survived a brain trauma injury . He liked to brag about the metal plate in his head . He was blond , about 5 ' 11 " with a slender build . Guy wore a flat - top haircut with curls on the top . Harry wasn 't quite as tall as Guy , and was also slender . Harry had light brown hair , with a crew - cut . Harry and Guy were buddies and one day they mentioned they wanted to go out on a double date and Guy already had a date but Harry needed a date and would I go out with them . I was hesitant but after a little encouragement , I agreed . So Harry and I began hanging out together . Even though we dated , our relationship was never serious . We would go out together , sometimes to a movie , sometimes to a dance and it would always remain very casual , more like a friendship then anything . Almost all of the time we double dated . It all remained innocent , just what I was needing . I dated Harry for about a month and then Harry moved away , his family was transferred . There was a goodbye party , and then Harry was gone . In late August , 1959 , I began my senior year at Millington Central High School . It was the fourth high school I had attended in four years . I was used to being the new girl , and I had become accustomed to having to make new friends , so I went to school feeling fairly confident . I signed up for four actual classes and several periods of study hall . My favorite class was my English class . I had a great teacher and the emphasis was on English literature , which I loved . I did very well in that class . I also had a Spanish class , and my teacher , a tall southern spinster , could barely speak Spanish . She would ask me about the pronunciation of certain words . Her assumption was that I would know how to say some Spanish words because I was from California . I could help with the common words I had learned as I grew up , but there were many words I had never heard before . I had an Home Economics class and the first thing we learned in that class was how to can fruits and vegetables . We also had to sew , and would later have a fashion show showing the articles of clothing we had sewn . I had a problem with the Home Economics class . I thought a lot of what was being taught was " old fashioned " , and I loudly proclaimed that I didn 't need to can foods or sew . I could go to the supermarket and buy my fruits and vegetables and if I needed clothing I 'd buy a new outfit in one of the department stores . Finally , I had an Economics class . Economics , to me , was totally foreign . I would have done better speaking to a Martian . I didn 't understand anything that was being taught , it was very difficult for me . My saving grace was that I was in a class with a lot of the football players . The Economics teacher was also the Football Coach . Most of the jocks were having just as difficult a time as I . Our teacher , the Coach , announced all of our tests would be open book tests . Then he would hand out the tests , and leave the room . There would be guys reading the book and yelling out the answers to the test questions . Some of the kids would just be mePosted at 05 : 00 AM in Millington , Tennessee | Permalink I had left my reputation in Munford , and was making a new start in Millington . And when school began in September , I began meeting new people . None of them knew my past mistakes or successes . I could start anew and be whomever I chose to be . I was now seventeen years old and my personality was fairly well molded by this time . I couldn 't identify with most of the kids at my new school . The girls were all looking like bobby soxer 's with long full skirts , bobby sox and saddle oxfords . I had never gotten into that style , had totally missed out on it by moving around so much . I dressed in my own style , sometimes adapting a tropical style , which I picked up living in Hawaii . Sometimes I dressed as the popular kids in California had dressed , all in expensive wools and dyed to match . But my favorite was a beat style . I would wear a black sweater and straight skirt , and have black tights on under my skirt . I would wear ballerina style flats with the outfit , and sometimes a black beret . I loved that look and felt it was me . Beatniks were a very popular movement in the late 1950 's and was the precursor to the hippie movement . Beatniks were all about anti - establishment . They weren 't juvenile delinquents but characters of a special spirituality who didn 't gang up but were solitary or loners and nonconformists . Often beatniks were poets , artists or musicians , and they were usually non - materialistic . I considered myself an artist and so I identified with the beat generation . I wanted to be a non - conformist and I was a loner so I felt that I fit the " beat " stereotype . But I chose not to be a beatnik every day , just once or twice a week . Right after we moved to Millington , I turned seventeen years old . I didn 't do too much that summer . I stayed home reflecting upon my failed romance with Maylon and I went to the base pool a few times . There were thunderstorms , which was a new thing to me . They frightened me but I learned to live with them . Our kitchen faucet was struck by lightening shortly after we moved into our new home . Fortunately no one was at the sink when it happened . Word got around Munford that Maylon and I were through and within a few weeks , Marion came over and asked me out again . I liked Marion but we never could get along . We had always fought over sex and he had apparently heard that I was no longer virginal and figured we wouldn 't have the sex argument anymore . He was wrong . Marion and I went to the drive - in movie for our date . It didn 't take long for us to get into a wrestling match . Marion was shocked when I didn 't want to have sex with him . He took it quite personally and told me he knew I 'd had sex with Maylon and so I should have sex with him also . We got into a terrible fight , and he took me home . I tried to explain my reasons for not sleeping with him and Marion and I tried one more date . Once again we got into a huge fight . Once again Marion took me home and left angry . That was the final straw for Marion and I . We were through . I spent the rest of the summer not dating , and staying alone in my room . School had ended for the summer , and we had moved into our new home in Millington , Tennessee . We worked hard and soon became settled in our new home . Every few days we would drive up to Munford to check our post office box , but most days I just stayed home in my room . My entire life at that time was about music . I watched the Dick Clark show every afternoon , or listened to records . I owned most of the popular records and had a record player . I would buy every new record that came out that I thought was good . Other than listening to music , I would go to the swimming pool located on the base . Once I realized I wasn 't pregnant I decided I wasn 't going to have sex again until I married . The birth control available was very limited and was basically the use of condoms , which I knew was not always certain . I loved sex but I didn 't want to be pregnant . So I decided to be like some of the other girls I knew , and to become a " virgin " again . Maylon didn 't show up again for several months , and then finally one day he parked the Impala in front of our new house and began honking the horn to get my attention . It also got my Mother 's attention , and she ordered me to not go out to his car . I ignored my Mother and went out to see Maylon . Maylon had heard the news that I wasn 't pregnant and was ready to resume our relationship . He thought that since I had come out to the car I 'd be willing to pick up where we left off . I surprised him by telling him that we were through and I didn 't want to see him again . He tried to get me to change my mind , but I wouldn 't budge . Finally , Maylon took me home . The last I heard of Maylon , he had joined the National Guard . Posted at 05 : 00 AM in Millington , Tennessee | Permalink I was spending a lot of time alone in my room , worrying . My period was very late and I suspected I was pregnant . Maylon told me he was off to join the Army , not to count on him . My Mother was stalking around , watching every move I made . Even though Maylon had always worn a condom I was aware that they weren 't always foolproof . I didn 't know what I was going to do . Finally , after several months , my period suddenly began . I was very relieved and slowly I began to go out of my house again . One day I was visiting friends and ran into Katherine , the girl Maylon had supposedly been having an affair with while I was dating him . Katherine and I began talking and I was surprised to find out that I liked her . The more we talked the more we liked one another . Katherine was upset with Maylon too . It seems he had cheated on her not only with me , but with another girl . Katherine and I both agreed we were through with Maylon . We were both only sixteen or we probably would have plotted and had our revenge with Maylon . In the meantime , military housing had become available , and we had a house on the base in Millington available . We were living about nine miles north of the base , by moving we would be right on the base . I would be around other military kids , there was a larger high school and it was going to be good for me to make a new start . And so we packed our bags and moved to Millington , Tennessee . Facing Up The honeymoon was definitely over . Maylon and I were not seeing each other as often and there were rumors that Maylon was having an affair with a girl named Katherine . I knew Katherine , but not well . She was an acquaintance , someone whom I had met through another friend . We had spoken to one another briefly and then did not see each other again . She was a cute girl , with brown hair and a cute figure . We were about the same age . My period was several weeks late . I hadn 't told anyone , but my Mother was suspicious , and watching me like a hawk . Maylon came by and parked the Impala in front of my house , honking the horn for me to come out . My Mother didn 't want me to go out to Maylon and we fought , but I left anyway . Maylon and I drove around , parked in the country and talked . I told him my period was several weeks late . Maylon became very cold and told me he was enlisting in the Army and wouldn 't be around , so I 'd have to work things out for myself . He wasn 't going to be around for me . I went home facing the reality of the situation I was in . I didn 't know if I was pregnant , but it was becoming increasingly more likely that I was . Every day I waited , hoping to start my period . But it didn 't come . I spent more and more time in my bedroom . My Mother kept looking at my stomach . Life was tense and not very happy . Posted at 05 : 00 AM in Munford , Tennessee | Permalink My love life with Maylon was hot and heavy for a month or two and then things began to slow down . Maylon came around less which left me time on my own again . I noticed my girl friends weren 't coming around , but then I hadn 't had much time for them either . When I was in public , I noticed there were whispers behind my back and I was being shunned . I wasn 't being invited to church at all , even though I 'm sure that some of those people thought that was what I needed . I began to hear rumors that Maylon was seeing another girl at the same time he was seeing me . I knew the girl vaguely , her name was Katherine . The word was that Maylon and Katherine were having a passionate affair . My Mother was laying down the law about my seeing Maylon . She didn 't like him and wanted me to quit seeing him . That made him more desirable to me . I tried ignoring my Mother , but that was difficult . She nagged at me constantly to break up with Maylon . With my Mother nagging me , people shunning me and Maylon reportedly seeing another girl , I was becoming very nervous . But something else was really making me nervous . My period was several weeks late . Maylon and I were hot and heavy after becoming sexually active with one another . We were like rabbits , copulating whenever we were alone . Maylon made sure we were alone and in an isolated area as often as possible . My only requirement was that Maylon wear a condom . We usually parked in a deserted area to have our intimate encounters . But there were other places too . Maylon worked at the local movie theater as a projectionist . One day , Maylon had to go into the theater to prepare for the evening movie . We were the only two people in the building . Maylon set up the movie and before I knew what was happening , we were having sex in the theater aisle . And then , there was the drive - in movie , where we often went on dates . We rarely saw the movie . Maylon and I were all about physical attraction . We didn 't talk much , we didn 't have time . I knew the basic facts about Maylon , but nothing more . I don 't think Maylon cared to know anything about me except would I " put out " at that particular time . In the meantime , my Mother seemed to sense what was going on , and was trying to stop me from seeing Maylon at all . There was nothing to prove her thoughts , so she really couldn 't stop me from dating Maylon yet . But it was becoming more obvious that it was on her mind . Maylon had driven his white Chevrolet Impala to a deserted area where he had parked . Like many other girls in the 1950 's , I lost my virginity in the back seat of a Chevrolet . The deed didn 't last a long time , but I surprised myself by how much I enjoyed it . Afterward , as we pulled our clothes back on , Maylon questioned me : " I thought you were a virgin ? " I was taken aback . I didn 't know that I wasn 't supposed to enjoy myself or that I was supposed to appear injured from something that I did enjoy . All I could say was : " Sorry " . I didn 't know what else to say . And I was annoyed that Maylon didn 't believe me . I wanted to not care , but I did . After my initial shock , I firmly informed Maylon that I had been a virgin . After a short spat , Maylon and I quickly recovered , and we climbed back into the front seat of the car . We made up and went on with life , and each other . Posted at 05 : 00 AM in Munford , Tennessee | Permalink Maylon and I began dating . He would pick me up in his brand new white Chevrolet Impala and we would head out on our date . We usually went to the drive - in - theater . In the early stages of the relationship , we would just watch the movie , with Maylon holding his arm around me . It didn 't take long and we began making out and it accelerated more as we spent time together . Soon the Impala developed into a full passion pit . Maylon and I would be hot and passionate and then I would call it off , asking for a break to cool down . This worked for awhile , but then Maylon no longer wanted to stop for that break . In those days , guys would tell a girl whatever she wanted to hear in order to seduce her . Maylon was no exception . He pleaded , bargained and even became aggressive with me . He told me he loved me , he begged me and told me how I needed him . I would grab his hands and move them away from my body and the other hand would be all over me . I didn 't have enough hands to stop his . Maylon worked on my psyche every night , until one night , I finally agreed to give in . Since there were no birth control pills at that time , and most birth control for women required going through a physician , I insisted on Maylon wearing a condom . Thankfully , I did know about condoms . We went to a small store out in the middle of nowhere and Maylon went in to buy a condom while I waited in the car . Then we headed to a secluded area and parked the Impala . In 1959 I was sixteen years old and still a virgin . My primary reason for remaining a virgin was fear of pregnancy . Also , girls who were known to not be virgins had very bad reputations and were often called vulgar nicknames , and I didn 't want to be condemned to a bad reputation . But it was mainly fear of pregnancy that stopped me from losing my virginity . Virginity was very important in the 1950 's . When dating , all of the guys tried to get the girls to sleep with them , trying seduction , force and / or sometimes begging . But almost every guy wanted the girl to be a virgin when he succeeded in seducing her . Virginity was valued , and parents would want their son to bring home a girl who was " pure " and " inexperienced " . Girls were expected to remain virgins until they married . This wasn 't always realistic and of course not all girls were virgins . Many girls were very troubled about the double standard that was prevalent at that time . Even the girls who were not virgins , still claimed to be virgins if they thought they could get away with it . The test would be if the girl had some bleeding when she finally " lost her virginity " . Girls would come up with all kinds of excuses about why they didn 't bleed when their hymen broke . One of the more popular excuses was the girl injured herself as a child , usually on a bicycle . Girls came up with all kinds of creative excuses that were tricky and very difficult to pull off . But if the girl pulled it off , and her " boyfriend " believed she was a virgin , she would be held in higher esteem . Word of the breakup between Marion and I spread quickly in the small town of Munford . Marion 's relatives all passed along the fact that he was furious with me for slapping him . A few of Marion 's friends stopped by to tell me they were sorry to hear we had broken up , and could they help me through the pain ? I hadn 't been crazy about Marion , so I was okay with the situation and just went forward with my life . I talked to several boys that lived in Munford , but one caught my eye . He was a little older than I , and had just graduated from high school . He drove a new 1959 Chevrolet Impala , and he worked the projection at the Munford Movie Theater . He had dark hair with long sideburns and I thought he resembled Elvis Presley . His name was Maylon . Maylon came into my life by accompanying another guy who came to console me over Marion . While the other guy talked , Maylon gave me seductive glances . I was intrigued . I wanted to know more about this guy . Later , Maylon would return and ask me out . I accepted . Munford was a rural town and most families had farm animals in their yards . The typical animals were chickens , goats , pigs and cows . It was common to raise the animals , treat them as pets , and then find them on the dinner table as part of the meal . As for myself , the meat I had eaten throughout my life had come from markets . I knew the origin of the meat on my table , but I had little experience in observing an animal being slaughtered for food . There was no emotional attachment to the meat I ate . That all changed one night at Sally 's house . I had been invited for dinner and Sally 's mom had prepared a delicious roast beef . We all sat around the dining room table enjoying the food when I complimented Sally 's mom on the delicious roast beef . " Yes " she replied , " Ole Bessie tastes pretty good , doesn 't she " ? I stopped chewing my food immediately , and apparently had a shocked look on my face . All of Sally 's family began laughing at me . " It 's okay , you 'll get used to it " , Sally 's mom told me . But I never did . Marion and I continued to date on and off . We would date for awhile and then get into a fight and not speak . Our relationship continued that way throughout the spring . Marion had a sister , Mary , who I was friendly with , so I would see Marion when I visited Mary . Mary and I would hang out together and sooner or later I would hear from Mary what was going on with Marion . The majority of the time , Marion would be angry with me , usually because I wasn 't reacting the way he wanted me to react when we dated . Marion asked me out again and I decided to give our relationship another chance . Marion picked me up and we drove to Shelby Forrest , for a night time picnic . Marion had packed food , a blanket and alcohol for this picnic . The date didn 't go well . We never made it out of Marion 's truck . While we ate the fried chicken Marion had brought , Marion drank too much alcohol . Then came the " romance " . Marion was all over me like an octopus . I was fighting him off , trying to push him away , but the more I fought , the more aggressive he became . I would tell him " no " , he would tell me he knew I wanted it . We wrestled , I tried to push him away . He told me I was a " wildcat " . Marion kept pushing the limits , and finally , I slapped Marion across his face . Marion was furious with me but it snapped him back into reality . I was fortunate that Marion was not a rapist . We drove back to Munford in silence . Marion took me home and after I got out of his truck , he drove off . We were finally through . The relationship was finally over . My friend Sally was probably the only girl I knew who was more boy crazy than I . Sally would have been a very pretty girl except that she was extremely overweight . I am quite sure she weighed more than three hundred pounds . Sally had a single focus in life , and that was to find a man and get married . Her weight was a barrier , and she was extremely aggressive , both factors which would often scare the guys away . Sally had a new concept in finding a man . She had somehow found the phone number to one of the barracks at the Navy base . Sally would call the barracks and talk in her most seductive voice to whomever answered the phone . Sally had a very sexy voice , and never bothered telling the unsuspecting guy about her weight . Sally was getting dates galore . Unfortunately , she would get a date and then the guy would disappear , never to return . Some of the guys would meet Sally and just dump her on the spot . Others would stick around long enough to see how far they could get with Sally . Sally was a loose woman , and usually would do whatever it took to keep the guy around . Usually as soon as the guy had deflowered Sally he would disappear , not to be seen again . So Sally would be back on the phone , calling the barracks once again . Then the cycle would start again . Coming from California , where most stores were open seven days a week , and some for twenty - four hours a day , I was in for a shock . With the exception of the churches , the town of Munford was completely closed down on Sundays . To begin with , there were only a few businesses situated in Munford . There was the General Store , the Drug Store , the Hardware Store , the Movie Theater and the Gas Station . All of them were closed on Sundays . Sundays were devoted to going to church and spending time with family . Dinner was served in the middle afternoon , and was often fried chicken . My Mother rarely prepared fried chicken , we would have something made from hamburger , Bob 's favorite . Going to church on Sunday was the social activity in which almost everyone in town participated . I finally broke down and went along with some friends to the Southern Baptist Church , the primary Church in Munford . It was a fire and brimstone event , which made me entirely uncomfortable . The preacher was determined to save my soul , I tried to sink under the pews . There was a social following the services . All of the girls brought a box lunch and the guys would bid for the lunch , not knowing to whom the lunch belonged . The highest bidder would have lunch with the girl who prepared the lunch . I didn 't bring a lunch , but watched with fascination . All of the lunches were purchased , even my friend Sally got a date from the event . Sunday 's for me ended up a very quiet event . I would usually just stay home . I would read or draw , and sometimes I would watch television . I would write letters to my friends in California . And I would dream of returning to California , my primary desire . My new high school was going to have a dance . It was to be similar to a Junior - Senior Prom and was considered one of the most important events of the school year . It was to be called the Junior - Senior Dance , and it had a Hawaiian theme . Since the dance had a Hawaiian theme , someone on the dance planning committee thought it might be a good idea to have me join the committee . So I went into the planning committee meeting with all kinds of great ideas . The budget was low so there wouldn 't be many decorations , mainly crepe paper and balloons . I suggested a color scheme of red and yellow since those are the official colors of Hawaii . It turned out the school had an extra supply of another color of crepe paper , so my idea was immediately shot down . I volunteered to do the hula , but the committee didn 't want any Hawaiian music . Country and Western and Pop Music were the choices . Finally , we discussed the menu . The committee wanted fried chicken . I suggested if they were going to have fried chicken they should at least have some pineapple or other fruit to give the meal a Hawaiian flare . I was quickly told that the committee wanted fried chicken , mashed potatoes and corn on the cob and that no one liked pineapple . I left the meeting fully disillusioned . None of my suggestions were even given a discussion . Although I was officially listed as a committee member , I never wanted any credit for the Junior - Senior Dance . I went to the Junior - Senior Dance with a handsome young man named Patrick . He wore a white tuxedo jacket with black pants and brought me a corsage . I had a wonderful time even though the dance wasn 't very " Hawaiian " . Patrick was very sweet and very handsome . I liked him , but for whatever reason we never went out again . My dates with Marion were always interesting . Marion drove a an old pick - up truck and lived in a dilapidated southern mansion with his family . He had a stack of old cars next to his home and when his truck broke down he would dig through the cars until he found a part that could be used to fix his truck . If there wasn 't a part he could use to fix the truck he would barter with friends with the parts he had in the yard . Marion was a true " good ole ' boy " . He loved hunting , fishing and his pick - up truck . His idea of a date was to drive out to Shelby Forest and try to get past first base with me . Foreplay would include chasing raccoons and trying to shoot them , grabbing frogs out of a swamp and suggesting we go " snipe " hunting . I was wise to the snipe hunting offer , only because I had been such a fan of " Spin and Marty " on the Mickey Mouse Club . Another time , we were by a river and Marion spotted a water moccasin in the reeds . Marion slowly moved toward the snake , grabbing it by the neck and then killed it . It happened so fast I was taken aback . Marion then proceeded to inform me of the dangers of the snake and how it could have killed me had I stepped on it . Following Marion 's macho antics we would always end up parked somewhere in a secluded area making out . Marion was always too aggressive and I would immediately back off and tell Marion " no " . Like most boys of the 1950 's , Marion did not believe that " no " meant NO . He either wouldn 't stop or if he did stop it would be only for a moment , then he would be at me again . Then we would always end up in a huge fight . And so , Marion dubbed me the " Ice Queen " . Marion always said the words with disdain , and he announce to other 's the title he had given me . I wasn 't bothered , I liked Marion , but I wasn 't crazy about him . I rather enjoyed being known as " The Ice Queen " . In Munford High School I met a girl who I would find was even more boy crazy than I was . Her name was Sally and she was a girl in some of my classes . Sally was the stereotypical fat girl . She was short , probably weighed about 300 pounds , had a beautiful face and always seemed to be happy and laughing . I became Sally 's friend and she would invite me to her house quite often . Her parents were also overweight , but appeared to be leading a happy life . They had a farm with chickens , pigs , goats and a cow they called " Ole Bessie " . When I went to her house , Sally 's mother would usually be cooking . There was always something good cooking on the stove . Her father loved to hunt and fish and he would often bring back his catch for the evening meal . Sally had a younger brother , but he would usually be off with the boys . Sally was a nice girl and we got along very well . However , Sally was desperate to meet " Mr . Right " and settle down and marry . Any half way decent looking guy we saw , Sally would aggressively approach . She was never subtle . She would get close , giggle and bat her eye lashes at the guy . She would make sure he knew she was available . She didn 't wait for him to ask for her phone number , she would get his number . Sally couldn 't understand why the boys seemed intimidated by her and backed off . She would move on to the next guy , and when there wasn 't a " next guy " she would go out looking for him . She would call guys she had seen and come on to them with a sexy voice . Sally did have a sexy sounding voice , and guys would meet her , but she usually would see them for a short time and it would end . Sometimes , it never even began . When we left California and drove to Tennessee we took our new parakeet Goofus with us . Goofus was in his cage and sat next to me in the back seat . As we traveled , we would give Goofus attention and talk to him . He usually was excited over the attention but never reacted in any special manner . Once we arrived in Tennessee and became settled in our new home in Munford , my family decided to go and visit Shiloh , the famous Civil War battleground . I chose to stay home alone while my family went on the trip . I still didn 't have many friends or acquaintances , so I spent my time just relaxing alone . I let the parakeet Goofus out of his cage . He liked to drink my Coca Cola and eat my potato chips when he was out of his cage . I never stopped to think it might not be good for his diet , I thought it was cute . That day , because I was alone with Goofus , I talked to him as I had many times before . But on this particular day , Goofus chose to repeat what I had said . At first the only words he said were : " Pretty Boy " , but then his vocabulary began to expand and he spoke several sentences . Goofus was " my parakeet " , always excited when I entered the room and staying close to me when he was out of his cage . He totally trusted me and would try to stick his head in my mouth when I was eating or if I made a sound he liked . When my family returned from Shiloh late that afternoon I was so excited to tell them that Goofus had spoken for the first time . From that day forward , Goofus talked non - stop . After starting school , I began to meet other kids my age . One of my first acquaintances was Marion , a boy a little older than I . Marion drove an old pickup truck and lived in an old southern mansion that was in serious disrepair . From the outside , the house appeared to need some paint and some yard work . There were stacks of old cars piled in the back yard , and the plants in the front yard were overgrown . The inside of the home was sparsely furnished and also very much in disrepair . Wallpaper was peeling from the wall , stair railings were broken and floor boards were loose . It was very shocking to see this big , beautiful southern mansion appearing so dilapidated . I would learn that this was common for the time and place . There were many dilapidated old mansions in the area . Marion was friendly with me in the beginning and began driving me different places . Soon he was taking me out . We would go out on picnics , hayrides and to the movies , usually with another couple . One night when we were out , a cow blocked the dirt road we were driving on and Marion had to get out and try to push the cow into moving off of the road . The cow stood it 's ground and we ended up sitting in the car and waiting for the cow to move on it 's own . After a long wait the cow sauntered off and we were finally able to continue our drive down the road . In no time our relationship began to get serious , at least on Marion 's part . Marion and I would begin with innocent kissing and move on to making out . Marion wanted more and was like an octopus , grabbing any body part that I didn 't protect . It became a major problem between the two of us and we would get into huge fights because I wouldn 't have sex with him . It was a classic 1950 's good girl , bad guy romance . I liked Marion , but wasn 't ready to become serious yet . At least not with Marion . But Marion didn 't seem to understand the word " no " . I would tell him " no " and it would make him more persistent . When I said " no " , Marion called me a wildcat . He thought I was playing hard to get . Each date ended up being a wrestling match and then we would fight and not see one another for a while . And I wanted to go out with other guys which really caused problems . I began going to Munford High the next day . My day began with a school prayer . For someone who never even attended church , this was a definite change . I tried to be respectful and bowed my head in prayer with the rest of the kids . I had taken some typing classes earlier and was continuing beginning typing . The teacher was a man who smelled so strongly of Aqua Velva aftershave that I would get a headache . I grew to hate the smell of Aqua Velva , simply from over exposure to the smell . Biology class was a challenge . My teacher , a man , had such a deep southern accent that I couldn 't understand what he was saying . I would listen to him , and then have to ask him to repeat what he said . The more I asked him to repeat , the more frustrated he became with me . He would glare at me and sometimes actually scowl at me . It didn 't help that science was my worst subject , and dissecting an animal was the last thing I wanted to do . I was told he referred to me as : " That damn yankee girl " , which I found amusing since I was from California . The three periods of study hall were times when I could do my homework or whatever I wanted to do . I spent a lot of time in the library and once my homework was completed , I would draw . Mostly I drew pictures of people , often movie stars or singers . Sometimes I would draw a picture of one of the students . I would give that student my drawing when it was completed . I was a good artist and had a talent for catching likeness , so there was a demand for my drawings by the students . And my drawing gave me a way of meeting new people . I soon began making new friends . On Monday , March 30 , 1959 , my Mother took me down to the local school to enroll me . I was sixteen , and a Junior in high school . I soon was to learn that the school , Munford High School , was also a middle school , and actually served grades 6 through 12 . My Mother and I went to the school administration office , where a tall , thin , gray haired man with a deep Southern accent helped us . My Mother provided all of my information as this gentleman asked the questions . Finally , the gentleman asked if I was married . My Mother gave a quick " No " , to which the gentleman responded : " You better hurry and find her a man , or she 'll end up an old maid " . My Mother and I were both stunned for a moment , but later my Mother would laugh aloud at the idea of a sixteen year old being an " old maid " . My education on the West Coast put me further ahead in credits than the kids in Tennessee so I was able to take quite a few elective classes . I had an English class , History , Biology , Typing and three classes of Study Hall . I was now officially enrolled . I would start school the following day . |
I had finally reached my breaking point and I no longer wanted to tease Rebound . I didn 't want him thinking that I was in love with him when I didn 't even like him . He was already planning our lives for when he got back . He tells me that he had just bought a car in Vegas and it was cheaper for him to fly home instead of driving . He decided that we would take a vacation together in a couple of weeks . A road trip . We 'll drive my car over to Vegas and then drive both cars back . All I could hear was I want you to pay for a road trip so I can get my car . Oh yeah , I want you to pay to drive my car back home too . I was done . I took some time off from work and drove over to Krystal 's apartment . We decided that we would just end it over the phone . He was waiting for me to call him back and give him an answer about the road trip . I had already said no , but he was giving me time to think about it some more . My answer was still no , hell no . We didn 't really have a plan for what we were going to do . We just sat down together and I handed her my phone . It 's amazing how I can never get him to answer the phone when I want to talk to him , but he will answer immediately if he wants something . Krystal used my phone to call him and he answered . And then he hung up . I didn 't realize that he would be such a wimp about it . As soon as he heard Krystal 's voice , he hung up . She gave me the phone back and I tried calling him this time . He didn 't answer . She tried calling on her phone and still he didn 't answer . I sent him a text message asking him why he hung up on me . His response , you didn 't call me . I acted as if I didn 't know what he was talking about . This was true , kinda . Krystal told me that he wanted it to be just the two of them , but she wouldn 't go . He asked Hood for a ride and then asked her to join them . The three of them rode to Atlanta together , but Rebound focused on her completely . And Hood was not her man . This I already knew . I 've known Hood as long as I 've known Krys . He has always been there . While I 'm having this text conversation with him , Krystal is also having a conversation with him . She was giving him the full force of her temper ( not a pretty sight ) and he was still trying to get with me . He was trying to calm her down at the same time . We let him think that we had run into each other while I was out to lunch . Silence . Yes , this was the best part for me . He stopped talking to Krystal too . Planning his next move . I didn 't say anything else . I just waited for him to come up with the lie he was going to use . I knew that he wouldn 't just walk away . He wanted something from me and he was going to keep working me until he got it . So his next move was to blame me . Make me feel guilty . Wrong choice . I already knew that he was a lying SOB . But now with the help of my dear cousin , I knew that he was the worst level of SOB . Damn , men make me stupid sometimes . Me : She family . Why would she lie to me ? I 'd tell her momma . ( I would too . Well , not her momma , her grandmomma . Very intimidating . ) He had this habit of changing his phone number every couple of months . He was running away from something . Probably a woman , but it could be anything . He changed his number again when he went to Vegas . He was out of touch for a while , but when he wanted something from me he calls to give me his number . Krystal had his new number , therefore he had to give it to her . In fact , she had it before me . She was the first one to give it to me . Because she already gave it to me I recognized the number when he finally called . Again , this was true . Krystal said she wouldn 't let him touch her . She was not his woman and he had no right to touch her . She thought that he was still with his highschool sweetheart and she wasn 't about to be his girl on the side . She told him that if he could prove that he wasn 't with her then they could have something . He hadn 't been able to prove it . He couldn 't invite Krystal over to " his " place cause it was mine . He wasn 't with her , but he was with me . He sure tried his best to get in her pants though . I read some of the messages . I let Krys know that she wasn 't missing out on anything . It was better back in highschool . This was about the time Krystal sent him the text about the laptop . Something like your ass need to stop lying and give cuz back her laptop . You know you got it . I know you got it . He had some legal issues and was currently on probation . He never told me this . I found this out from Ty . Ty ran a background check on him and gave me her findings . He was just like my ex , other than the beating on me . But according to his background check he had been arrested for beating on the girl he was living with . Damn . I sure can pick ' em . The point is , he didn 't need me pressing charges against him . His ass would go right back to jail . He kept on trying to convince me to forgive him . He even had the nerve to try to convince me to get him a plane ticket so we could talk about it . How difficult is it to understand that I do not want to talk about it ? I 've made up my mind . I didn 't respond . I didn 't respond to any of his texts or phone calls for over a week . He finally stopped trying . At least for a little while . I figured that he would just stay in Vegas , but something was drawing him back here . I don 't know how he did it , but he did make his way back to town . I haven 't seen him , but he calls every now and then to tell me that he loves me . He knows that he was wrong , but he 's saved now . He is ready to truly be with me . Krystal and I have a good laugh over this . He tells her the same thing . I was able to move on from Rebound with no problem . I deserve better than that and I know this . My judgement about men still isn 't all that great , but at least I 'm free from Daniel and Rebound . Kinda . Daniel is still a pain in the ass . I can 't be completely rid of him because of our child , but dammit I wish he would just disappear . The other men in my life find it so easy to disappear . I need that to rub off on him . So that 's the story of Rebound . A part of it anyway . There 's other crap that went on , but nothing as bad as I 've already told you . And no , I never got my laptop back . I 'm just going through life , minding my own business when I get a message on my Facebook account from my cousin . At that time Bobbie and I didn 't really know each other . I remember seeing her at the hospital a few months back and we caught up with each other a bit . We didn 't even exchange phone numbers or anything , just polite conversation . When I got the message I thought that maybe she sent it to the wrong person . It was just a short one , " I need to talk to you about something . Call Me . " She left her phone number . I called her and she asked me if I knew Rebound . Yeah , I did . I asked her why ? She didn 't tell me . She wanted to know if we were dating . No , we weren 't . Not yet . He had been chasing me for a little while , but I was still playing hard to get . I was interested , oh yeah , but he had other female issues that I wasn 't comfortable with . I told Bobbie that I was not dating him . Once again I asked why . She told me . They had been dating , but weren 't anymore . He was a good for nothing SOB that stole her laptop . Oh , wow . I wasn 't expecting that . Damn . That shit was uncool . This ass was actually trying to get with me while he was with my cuz . What the fuck ? Oh hell no . That was not going to work for me . I told Bobbie what was going on , which wasn 't much of anything . I had just gotten back a couple of days before from taking him to Atlanta . That was how she figured it out . She was just going through her friends on FB and noticed my recent posts . They matched up to things that she knew was going on with Rebound . Hell , my last post was " In ATL with the babe . Spending some quality time before he goes off to Vegas . " I knew something wasn 't quite right about Rebound . He told me that he was no longer with the crazy girl , but he wasn 't clear about where he was staying with me . I thought that maybe he was still with her , but I was wrong . Bobbie set me straight on that . That SOB was one hell of a liar , but not a good one according to cuz . I had gotten my hopes up . He told me that he was working at a law firm as a paralegal and making decent money . He had a nice car and a nice place . All lies . He stayed in a nice house , but it was Bobbie 's house , not his . He had a car , but it was a piece of shit . Hell , I drove us around more than he did . I even knew where my cousin lived because I had dropped him off there one night when we had went out to play pool . I was starting to fall hard for him and he was just another good for nothing lying jackass . Hearing all this from Bobbie was a bit of a shock . She always seems so cool and in charge and her life is perfect , but that was wrong too . She told me about Daniel and then some more about Rebound . She 's just a woman , like me , and she had been taken advantage of . I hate that . Bobbie is good people , more importantly , she 's family . Bobbie told me that she wasn 't trying to keep me from seeing Rebound . I could see who ever I wanted to , but she wanted me to be cautious . He has proven not to be trustworthy and she didn 't want me to let him get too close and have him take all my shit . Oh no , Cuzzo . This punk ass man has messed with the wrong family . I was going to keep talking to him and let him think that I was eagerly waiting for him to come back home . Once he got back to town I was going to get cuz back her laptop . I was also thinking that I would get Hood and his boys to beat the shit out of him . Yeah , that sounded like a plan . Bobbie told me that she did not think that Rebound was coming back . I thought that he was . Every time I spoke with him he talked about what he was going to do when he got back . I was still certain that he was going to return after his one week trip turned into a two month trip . He never once said that he was going to stay in Vegas . He was having some money trouble , which I 'm certain was true , and he just needed to get up the cost for a plane ticket or at least gas money . He was planning on buying a car and just driving it back . ( I know , that makes no sense , but that 's what he said . ) Bobbie thought that he was trying to get me to play for a plane ticket . She had done that for him once before . I didn 't have no money to be buying his ass a ticket . I wouldn 't have done it even if I did have the cash . A couple of weeks into his trip he started calling Bobbie again . He was giving her those " Baby I love you and I can 't wait for us to be together " stories . She called me the second she got the first text from him . We agreed that she would pretend to miss him and want him back . He was either going to her or me first when he got back into town . We were just trying to get that laptop back . Bobbie kept their conversations to a minimum cause they made her sick to her stomach . It was funny . He would text her and she would forward me the messages and I would do the same . He would lie and lie and we knew about it . He was a damn fool . We had to be careful about what we said to him . We couldn 't let it slip that we knew he was full of shit . We both dropped hints every now and then about family . lol . Bobbie told him that they could have a cook out when he got back . It could be a party . She had a cousin that she wanted him to meet . We both got tired of playing along with him waiting for him to come back . Bobbie said that she couldn 't pretend to be nice to him anymore . It was making her physically ill . She could do without her laptop . She would rather never see him again . Ok , I could go for that . But he made it clear to us both that he was coming back . He wouldn 't give either one of us a date , but he was going to be back . He tried to get Bobbie to buy him a plane ticket , but she refused . Told him that if he woulda paid her back for the last ticket like he was supposed to then she woulda had the money for a ticket , but he didn 't pay her back and she was broke . Bobbie tried her best to hold out until he got back , but she finally reached her breaking point . She made it clear that she was still upset with him and didn 't think that she could just jump right back into a relationship with him . He still denied taking the laptop . I know for a fact that he has it because he let me use it when we went to Atlanta . Anyway , he told her that he understood and that they could take things slow . She let him know that he did not have a place in her house and that 's when he started to lay it on thick . He was in love and wanted to marry her as soon as he got home . She listened to that BS without bursting into laughter . While he was proposing to my cuz over the phone he was professing his love to me as well . His lease was just about up on his place and it would be a great time for us to move in together . We were meant to be together . I countered with the fact that my lease was just about up too and I would just rather we stayed at his place since it was so much bigger than mine . He didn 't like that , but couldn 't explain why he would want to stay at my small apartment when he had such a big house . Bobbie got fed up and she didn 't want to play games with him anymore . It was time to end it . She could just get her a new laptop when she had the money . She already had an older one at home that still worked fine . The laptop that Rebound took was actually one of those netbooks . She loved that little thing and hated to let it go , but letting it go was preferrable to possibly being in the same room with Rebound again . It was time for the two of us to end things with Rebound . Just calling him up and telling him wasn 't good enough . We wanted to make him sweat . And that 's exactly what we did . Good times , oh yes . Check back for the rest of the story . Rebound was my best friend in high school . Looking back on it , I realize that he wasn 't the great guy that I remember him being . My vision on it all was a bit cloudy . He was my closest friend and I spent a lot of time with him , but I didn 't really know him as well as I thought I did . Of course , there were clues , but I ignored all that . The biggest clue of all should 've been the way he played with my emotions . He was my friend and I expected nothing more than that . Throughout majority of our friendship he was dating the same girl . I didn 't like her , but I had my reasons and they were valid . But he was in love and I figured I would let him make his own mistakes . She didn 't like me either . And then there was the fact that I was sleeping with her man . I 'm not actually sure how that came to be , but it happened . A few times . And it was great , and I fell head over heels . Stupid . He was my friend , but he never attempted to become more than that , other than the occasional sex . So life goes on . He graduates and goes into the military and moves away . I basically never hear from him again after his last visit home . His mom passed away that year and he had no more family in the area . Sure , I thought about him from time to time and wondered how he was doing , but that was it . And then one day I get a friend request from Facebook and it his him . OMG . Talk about excited . I accepted and it was like all this time never passed . He was the same guy I could talk to about anything . And dammit , he had moved back into the city . This was during the end of my relationship with Daniel . Rebound was there for me to vent to . I told him the things that I didn 't tell Ty . He was supportive through it all and made it clear that he wanted me out of that relationship . He said it was going to end badly and he didn 't want me hurt or worse . I knew this was true , but how was I going to support my kids on my own ? I never had time to think about it . Daniel attacked me one day with a knife and it was over . I had my cell phone in my hand and called 911 as soon as I realized the fight was getting out of hand . The police were the ones to get him out of the house . I never let him back in . That was a horrible day . I cried all over Ty and Rebound came by later and I cried all over him and then some . Huge mistake . What do I end up doing ? I jump from a relationship with Daniel into a kinda relationship with Rebound . I forgot to mention he was back in the city , but he was also back with her , his high school sweetheart . He made up all sorts of excuses about how it was convenient and they weren 't even close anymore . He wanted out , but needed to make sure she would be able to support herself first . She had three children ( none of which were his ) and just one job . I was just fresh out of my relationship and unsure of where I was going so this was okay for me , for a while anyway . He was still there for me to talk to and he would visit every now and then . I was okay . But things started changing . He didn 't call anymore and had little time to talk to me . He was lying to me and I was catching him at it . He wasn 't very good at it . I was getting a very bad feeling about him and Ty was like " forget his ass " . But this was the guy that I was so close to at one point in time and I started making excuses for him myself . He was a damn jerk towards me but then he would plan these great weekends for us . Took me a while to realize that I was paying for most of it myself . Stupid . I had started to get smart and I stopped calling him . It was time to move on and I tried my best . I started dating other people . Went on a few dates here and there . He would call me every few days asking me why I was ignoring him . Gave me a sense of power . I liked it . But I was sure there was no future for us and I needed to just forget about him . And then he shocked the hell out of me . He dumped the girl . ( Now that I 've gotten to know him better , I 'm thinking she kicked him out . ) So he ended up staying with me for a while . Stupid again . He wasn 't there long . When I let him move in he told me that he had planned on leaving . He wanted to be with me , but he needed to go visit with his son for a little while . His son lives in Nevada with his mother and it 's been a while since he was able to visit with him . Story sounded okay , but it rubbed me the wrong way . The couple of weeks he was with me were okay . He already knew my kids and they got along great . But he definitely didn 't act like a man who wanted to be with me . He went out most nights and came back only after I was asleep . He booked a flight to Nevada on his own . I questioned the trip . I didn 't know how he was going to get there and I was not going to be out of pocket anything . His place of employment had closed down so he had been without a job for a couple of months . No , I wasn 't supporting him other than giving him a place to stay . But he planned his trip and he was real excited about it . He packed his things . And when he packed , he packed everything . He wasn 't coming back . I was certain . He said otherwise , but I knew he was lying . I figured he was just trying to get back with his baby 's momma . He tried sneaking off when he finally left , but that didn 't work . He actually tried leaving without telling me . He had tried to get me to take him to Atlanta , cause that was where he wanted to fly out of . I refused . I was in no mood to finance a trip to Atlanta . He tells me that he thought I didn 't care so he was just leaving . He found a ride and they were ready to leave right then . I should 've paid more attention when I told him good - bye . He left my house and took my laptop with him . Talk about pissed . He tried convincing me that he didn 't take it and it was still at the house , but I know where I keep my things and so do my children . It was definitely over . I wanted nothing else to do with him . But FB brought him right back into my life . Turns out there was another female that he was courting . I wouldn 't have cared , but dammit , it was my cousin . Yep , I can really pick ' em . Stay tuned for my next post for the rest of the story . Krystal is gonna help out with it too . Hi all , my name is Krystal and I 'm new to this blog . I 've known about this blog since Bobbie first starting posting on it . She told me about it and I checked it out . I found out quite a bit about my cuz that I didn 't know . Shocker . It 's true that we were never really close before we ended up with roles in the soap opera she calls Rebound , but we are family . Usually you hear things about what 's going on with everyone else . You didn 't really hear a lot about Bobbie though . We are from different branches of the family . My side is more vocal and I guess " ghetto " . Not me though , of course not . Bobbie 's side is very conservative . About me . I 'm 25 years old . I work as a LPN at the hospital . I 'm single , no children , living on my own . You would think things would be easy for me , but hell no . I find myself struggling alot and Bobbie has helped me out some , but she is having a hard time now too . I trying to make improvements to my life and going back to school is the first step for me . Bobbie has helped me there . She 's actually been really great to me and I 'm thankful , but I need to grow up and do some things on my own . I grew up in a very confused household . My parents were never married . My dad has not ever been a large part of my life . I do know who he is and he does know who I am , but we just don 't talk . My mom wasn 't a large part of my early years either . She had me young and had things that she wanted to do with her life and my grandmother took up the responsibility of raising me . She is the woman I call Momma . Most people believe that she is the woman who gave birth to me , but no she did not . In fact , she gave birth to my Uncle Joe three months before I was born . Yep , my uncle and I are the same age . Things were tight with money growing up and I wanted better than that when I finally became a grown up . That has not exactly happened yet . I 'm not struggling so much that I 'm begging for help , but things are hard . It 's my fault too . I think that since I 'm not raising kids that I can spend my money on whatever I want . I can , but bills gotta be paid too . Shopping is just too addicting . I like going out with my girls too and you can 't always depend on guys to pay your way . I 'm dating , nothing serious yet . I do believe in true love , but not sure if it 's for me . I didn 't grow up around that . My Momma was a single mother . My mom was too when she got her act together , so is my aunt and majority of the women on my side of the family . I 'm not used to having a good man in my life or around my family . Honestly , I don 't believe that they exist . Just use them for what they are good for and let them move on cause they are going to anyway . Bobbie tells me that this is wrong . Good men are out there , they are just hiding and you have to find them . She is on her little hunt now and tells me that I 'm on my hunt as well . I don 't agree . I 'm not looking for a man , I don 't think . Yes , I like male attention and enjoying spending time with them , but don 't think that married life is for me . There is one man in my life that I find trustworthy , for the most part . I 'm gonna call him Hood , well everybody calls him Hood . He 's not your average hood boy , but likes to think that he is . He is also my best friend . We grew up together . He started out being friends with my Uncle Joe but I was always there that we became friends too . There has never been anything romantic between the two of us and I have never wanted there to be . He 's just a good guy that is there when I need him . And I 'm there for him when he needs me , which is a lot . I 'm the one who has to get these hos out his life when they get out of hand . But he my boy and I can do that . That 's me , like my road sign says . Bobbie makes those by the way . Ty and I tell her what our posts are going to be about and she comes up with those little signs for us . I think they cute . She tends to go overboard with stuff though . Love her , but she gonna wear herself out . I think I 'm gonna help her with that . The least I can do . |
Ezra Standish would never be one of them - - not really . He wished he understood exactly why , but then that might mean he 'd have to look at himself too closely . Better he should just keep playing the role . Maybe that was it . His colleagues were all . . . authentic . That was the word . For any faults they had , for any demons they wrestled , they were all very real . None of them ever tried to be someone else . Ezra was * always * someone else . He played the role exquisitely . The quintessential Southern gambler , he was well - spoken , well - versed , impeccably groomed and brilliant at his craft . He bore the periferal skills necessary to carry off the ruse - - he could shoot , he could deal , he could con , he could ride and he could even fence were it called for . " No sign of a struggle , " Vin said . The three friends glanced around Ezra 's room one more time . The gambler had been missing for a few days . At first , no one had had any reason to notice . He hadn 't missed any assigned duty . He had completed his shift watching the jail . The last time anyone had seen him had been two nights ago at the saloon and , Chris had remembered , Ezra had left early to return to his room . And Ezra had been winning . Chris had thought it odd , but didn 't think on it for long . He had been getting acquainted with a bottle of red eye at the time . But when Ezra hadn 't shown up for the Christmas party , Chris had remembered it . That was last night . His friends had been looking for him all morning . " So where the hell is he ? " Buck snapped - - at no one in particular . Vin looked walked over to the window and looked at the gray skies . " We 'd have heard by now , " he said . " Something must be wrong with him . " JD walked over to the window and looked out . " And he could be out there in the cold , " he said quietly . Vin reached up and squeezed the kid 's shoulder . JD kept looking out the window . " Maybe he was so sick , he didn 't know what he was doing . " His voice was even softer than it had been before . " So where the hell is he ? " Buck almost shouted . He shook his head and opened the door . Vin followed him out , then noticed JD wasn 't coming . " Kid ? " JD turned back from the window , his brows knit in thought . " Vin , if he weren 't thinking clearly , you think he might have wandered off to that Chinese railroad site ? Maybe he 'd go looking for that Chinese girl . " Vin raised his eyebrows . " You know , you might be on to something , kid . " He thought for a minute . " Or that mine . He might have gone to find that abandoned mine near the Indian village . " " What if he 's not anywhere ? " Anybody else might have laughed at JD 's question , but not Vin . He squeezed the young man 's neck and smiled . " We 'll find him . I promise . " * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * He knew it would end like this . He 'd be alone . Even if he were in Four Corners in the saloon having caught a slug from a disenchanted gambler , surrounded by his " friends " , he 'd be alone . These " friends " wouldn 't stick around for a minute if they really knew him . And sometimes , being surrounded by friends who didn 't know you was the most alone a man could be . His eyes burned and watered and it was hard for him to distinguish between watering eyes and tears . His heart was weeping , but he was too cold to know if he were actually weeping . His shivering had become uncontrollable . His teeth chattered . The wind whistled through the cracks in the wooden walls and gaping roof offered precious little shelter . Or was it his own wheezing breath he heard . Good Lord , just let it end . Ezra pulled his red jacket more tightly around himself . Why had he left his overcoat at home ? He 'd had a reason . He was going to do something . . . Why couldn 't he remember ? Suddenly , his breath caught and he coughed so violently he thought he 'd tear a muscle . Why didn 't God just take him ? Maybe it was his penance . Maybe this was hell . Maybe God wouldn 't take him . . . If Vin and Nathan didn 't get back here soon , they 'd have to start without them . Well where was Buck , for that matter ? Chris Larabee looked around the saloon . Nobody had taken off their overcoats . Everytime the door opened , a rush of winter blew in . God , if Ezra were out in this - - if he 'd * been * out in this - - he wouldn 't survive . What did a Southerner know about surviving winter on the frontier ? By the looks on everyone 's faces , Chris knew they were all thinking the same thing . The Christmas decorations seemed to mock them all . Inez was keeping cups full of hot coffee and cider , and when Chris suggested she could slow down and sit , she 'd offered a couple of choice words in Spanish . He knew her anger grew from fear . He knew the feeling well . Chris ' men had looked everywhere , and as they asked people in town about Ezra , the townsfolk had taken up the search . Now they had gathered in the saloon - - Mrs . Potter , Mary , the Judge , the telegraph man , Nettie , Casey . There they were , all worried about the gambler - - the gambler who started out thinking he could win some money in this little " backwater " , the one who had run out on them on their first mission , the one who had nearly lost the town its windfall and then nearly lost his soul in the process . But something kept Ezra from hurting anybody . Something made Ezra take the higher road . These people genuinely wanted to help him . They had seen something noble in him . Chris smiled . The gambler had turned the corner and become something they all wanted to be . . . A good person . Vin pulled his collar up again , and tried to duck his chin further into his coat . This kind of cold was so dangerous . And he hadn 't felt great when he and Nathan left Four Corners . But Nathan had seemed to be feeling worse . So why didn 't they let someone else go ? Simple . Nathan was their only healer and Vin was the best tracker . They weren 't about to let a head cold stop them . Still , the search was wearing them down . They 'd started out on horseback , following strange tracks that led . . . not to the old railroad site and not to the mine . . . but rather toward an old lean - to . Vin had shown it to Ezra once when they were tracking a bank robber who had used it as a hideout . Might have been a good one if the criminal had had the good sense to cover his trail . Instead , he led them right to him . But why would Ezra have gone there ? It was too far off the road to be decent shelter from the storm . From where the trail left the road , it would have been easier to return to Four Corners than to seek out that sorry little shack . The only thing Vin could figure was that the gambler had confused it with the mine . Damn lucky for him , it was a day 's ride closer to Four Corners than the mine at the Indian village . They were about an hour 's ride from the main road . The trail was becoming difficult for the horses to travel . Once they reached the hills , they had to travel on foot . They left the horses at the bottom of the first hill , the trail becoming too narrow and rocky for them . They 'd know in a minute whether or not Ezra had headed up this way . The snow was coming down harder and the tracks were becoming impossible to make out . Vin turned to see how Nathan was doing . The healer was struggling , his steps slower and more difficult . Vin trudged back down and grabbed hold of Nathan 's arm . They made their way slowly toward the top , holding each other up as they did . Vin was starting to wonder how they 'd get Ezra home if they * did * find him . He was wondering how they 'd get home at all . Buck had a sick feeling - - a weight on his heart . On one hand he felt a twinge of guilt searching the gambler 's room without his consent . On the other hand , he hated feeling like Ezra might never see his room again . He had a good reason for turning the room upside down . If Ezra were sick , or missing , Buck wanted to find Maude . Josiah had corresponded with her until she went out of the country . Ezra had mentioned that Maude had come into a great deal of money and that she was going on some kind of safari or something . He hadn 't sounded too pleased - - said it was a wild and dangerous land . He had explained that there was no civilized town on the whole continent of Africa . Buck suspected it might be sour grapes . Why should Maude come into this much money gambling when Ezra worked at it so much harder than she did ? But Josiah suspected he was worried about her traveling so far on her own . Deep down , Buck knew Josiah was right . " Oh come on , Ezra , " Buck said to himself . " You and Maude wrote to each other . . . now where would you keep her letters ? " Buck rested his hand on the bed and eased himself down to the floor . His knee cracked and he muttered , " I 'm getting too old for this . " He sighed . He 'd looked through the closet , the top drawers , the wardrobe . Now it was time to look at the bottom drawers and under the bed . Buck couldn 't imagine anyone looking under his own bed and he certainly didn 't relish looking under another man 's bed . But getting in touch with Maude was the most important thing just then . He 'd think up a way to apologize to Ezra later . Ezra laughed at the realization . Of course he was sick . What else could it be ? He was so weak . He remembered wandering through town . He 'd gotten almost everybody a Christmas gift . But there was one he hadn 't gotten yet . What was it ? What had he been looking for in town ? Was something coming in the mail ? Who had he missed ? He was finally getting a little warmer , but he couldn 't see the fire in the fireplace . No matter . He tried to think through what he 'd gotten for each person - - but everything ran together . Maybe if he could picture each person . Chris - - he 'd gotten Chris a couple of beautiful frames . Since that woman had come in and destroyed Chris ' pictures of his family , Ezra had taken the torn pictures and had them restored and then framed . Ah , that wouldn 't erase the hurt , but it might help Chris find a little peace . And it was one thing that might take away from her victory . At least she couldn 't steal the memories . Ezra smiled to himself . He wanted to see Chris ' face when he opened it . It was a nice thought . Ezra was feeling a little warmer and a little sleepier . He wasn 't fearful like he had been . Maybe his friends wouldn 't want him to be alone . For Nathan , he 'd bought a set of fencing swords . Maybe Nathan could teach him some . What is this , Mr . Standish ? Are you becoming humble ? Something was bothering Ezra . . . about Nathan . . . and fencing . . . He pressed his eyes closed and tried to remember . Why did he feel a twinge of guilt ? He thought for a few minutes - - or a few hours - - time was becoming irrelevant . Oh - - his " slave " thought - - that 's right . That 's what he felt bad about . Truth be told , Ezra admired Nathan , more than he 'd ever admitted publicly . He hoped Nathan knew that . Ezra knew first hand what kind of life Nathan had lived before he 'd been emancipated . Oh , Ezra 's people never owned slaves . He chuckled . He didn 't have " people " either . Nobody 'd ever trace Ezra 's pedigree . He and Maude . That was the extent of the Standish family tree . Maude may not have known her father . But give her credit for choosing one of the most revered family names since the founding of the colonies . Ezra had never owned slaves , but he 'd seen them . He 'd seen how some were horribly mistreated . But most Southerners , like him , had been too poor to own slaves . Ezra wouldn 't have , even if he 'd had money to . He didn 't believe one man should own another . Now - - he still didn 't consider Nathan an equal . No , Ezra wasn 't worthy of being considered Nathan 's equal . Nathan was a better man , and now that Ezra was going to meet his Maker , he needed to admit that . He just wished he 'd had a chance to tell his friend before he went . Ezra had gotten Vin the very latest in navigational gear : a brand new compass and a state of the art surveyor 's glass telescope . He 'd also gotten him a large container of casting paste . He 'd be able to put this substance in a track and make a copy of it in relief . He hoped Vin would be able to use it . JD tapped his foot nervously on the hard floor of the saloon . A sharp glare from Chris Larabee made him stop . " Where 's Buck ? " Chris barked . JD nodded , and ran out , glad for an excuse to burn off some of the worry energy that was driving him crazy . The biting wind stung his nose and cheeks . With every breath , it seemed like his throat would freeze . He remembered this kind of cold from living in Boston . Only in Boston , he 'd have been dressed for it . Even with his coat and scarf on , he wasn 't dressed for this weather . Surely Ezra wouldn 't be . " GET UP ! ! " Vin cried . Nathan was kneeling in the snow . " Can 't . Sick ! " Nathan answered . " Go on up without me . " Nathan tried to stand , but slid back down into the snow . Vin leaned over and pulled his friend 's arm over his shoulder . With a yell , he hoisted the healer up . He staggered back a couple of steps then regained his balance . Both men were winded from the effort . Vin kept the healer 's left arm over his shoulder . He hooked his own right arm around Nathan 's waist and they hobbled the few feet to the little shack . If they didn 't find Ezra there , if Ezra had wandered somewhere else , there wouldn 't be enough time to save him from the ravages of the blizzard . God , even Ezra 's sock drawer was neat . He sure was a fastidious son of a bitch . ( Buck had learned the word " fastidious " from Ezra himself when Buck couldn 't find an ideal word to insult Ezra with . ) He shook his head and closed the last drawer . Awkwardly , Buck dropped to his belly on the floor . Why was he creaking around so much ? He felt old today . Maybe it was the cold . Buck looked under the bed , and his throat suddenly got tight . There were beautifully wrapped packages filling the space from the headboard about three - quarters of the way down to the footboard . " Aw , Ezra . . . " Their first Christmas together , Ezra had not gotten a gift for anyone . . . well , he chipped in on the gift they 'd gotten JD , it being his first Christmas without his mother . Buck had decided then that Ezra had a bit of a heart . Either that or he figured that Chris Larabee might make good on his threat to make Ezra a soprano if he * didn 't * chip in . The next Christmas , he 'd gotten each of them the same thing . . . an imported head cheese . No one knew what it meant , but they thanked him for it anyway . Last Christmas , he 'd gotten cleaned out in a high stakes poker game and couldn 't buy anyone anything . ( His reputation had been restored when Judge Travis had reported that the other player had been arrested for running an illegal gambling racket . That player and his cohorts had cheated in every town from Kansas City to San Francisco . ) So this stash of gifts took Buck Wilmington completely by surprise . Finally , he spotted a crude - looking box . He slid his long arm under the bed to pull it out , and wound up having to slide his head under the bed , too . He reached it before it occurred to him that he could have pulled the bed away from the wall and retrieved it much more easily . He slid back out with it and propped himself up against the bed to study it 's contents . " Why aren 't we * doing * something ? ? " Inez asked , eyes blazing - - accusing . Chris ' expression wasn 't what she expected . He didn 't snap back at her . She 'd have known what to do with that . Instead , his eyes were very sad . He took her hand . " A few minutes ago , I was ready to mobilize everyone into an all - out search . I knew that would be risky . But the storm is worse and there 's not enough light anymore . As it is , we can 't leave until morning . " The legendary gunman looked at the floor . " And we may wind up looking for Vin and Nathan , too . " As painful as his words were , Inez knew he was right . She reached up with her free hand and touched his face , turning it up to her . " Your men are as resourceful as their leader , " she said . " They 'll find a way . " He 'd liked Josiah Sanchez from the start . There was a certain wit about him - - a dry humor that appealed to him . It was that humor that drew Ezra to the preacher . But it was the spiritual core of the man that made him the only one who could re - introduce Ezra to his God . Somehow , Josiah had had the strength to challenge him . It was Josiah that forced him to look at himself and to decide , once and for all , whether or not he would give in to the demons that dogged him . Ezra had spent many hours talking with the preacher after having tried to leave with a stash of money that wasn 't his . Josiah had told him that the Lord did indeed work in mysterious ways . Even though Ezra believed he would have left Four Corners and never looked back , Josiah believed that God wasn 't gonna let that happen . When a life was at stake , Ezra gave up all that money to do the right thing . " Why torture yourself with ' what if 's ' ? Josiah would ask . " Think of it as God giving you another opportunity for redemption . You still had to make the choice . " Ezra had become a stronger man because of Josiah 's influence . And he had made his peace with a God he 'd never really known before . Ezra liked Josiah 's God much better than the one people hid behind in church . Some churches . Ezra finally realized that God had been able to establish some churches that didn 't kill and torment in His Name . Buck didn 't know Ezra owned anything that could be considered " crude " . But this funny little box sure was . It looked like a child made it , and sure enough , when Buck turned it upside down , he found E Z R A S . carved in big awkward letters . Buck hadn 't really considered that Ezra had ever been a child . He couldn 't quite picture it . He didn 't have to . Buck opened the little latch on top and found a picture glued inside the lid of Ezra when he was a little boy and Maude as a very beautiful young woman . No wait - - it wasn 't one picture . It was two . They had been glued side by side to look like the same picture . Maude 's looked like a publicity photo . She looked like an actress , wearing a fancy dress and an even fancier hat . Ezra , however , was barefooted . The picture was taken outside . Buck hoped the little boy 's face and clothes were dirty because he 'd been playing outside . But he doubted it . Ezra looked like a poor child . He had dark circles under his eyes and , even though he was smiling , he looked like he might have been hungry . Buck sighed . Even though he himself had been raised in a brothel , he 'd never been hungry and he 'd always been well - dressed and clean . This one little picture told so much . Inside the box were letters - - years of correspondence between Maude and Ezra . Buck didn 't let himself read any of them . He just thumbed through them to see if there were any current letters . No such luck . Buck suspected that this little box hadn 't been opened in years . It probably moved with Ezra everytime he moved . A knock on the door . " Buck ? " At first , Vin didn 't even see him . There was very little light and it was hard to distinguish anything in the dismal shed . Then he saw the sleeve . Then a hand that was very nearly gray . " Oh , God . . . " Vin said . " Ezra . . . " Vin pulled off his heavy gloves and stepped carefully over the rubble and snow and touched the hand . " Ezra ? Come on , now . Wake up for me . " Vin brushed the snow from his friend 's hair and face . " Ezra ? " Vin started pulling Ezra out . " Nathan ! Come here . We found him ! " Vin slipped his hand up to the gambler 's throat . He couldn 't find a pulse . . . " NATHAN ! ! ! " Buck was too tired and frustrated to get into it with the kid . He didn 't even feel like teasing him . He just stood up and helped JD move the bed . JD pulled the footboard . . . And it came off in his hand . " Damn it , JD ! " Buck hissed . " We ain 't even supposed to be in here . " " I didn 't mean to . . . " JD said , as Buck jerked the ancient footboard from the young man 's grasp . " Let 's just fix it , " Buck said . But JD gripped his arm . " Wait , " JD said . He was looking at . . . something JD 's voice stayed soft . " Set it down for a second , will you ? " The young man sat on the floor a lot more easily than Buck had a few minutes before . Buck set the footboard on the floor and rested it against his leg . He tried to see what the kid was looking at . JD reached under the frame , but he couldn 't get at whatever it was he had found . He lay down on his back and slid under the bed a little ways . Reaching into his back pocket , he pulled out his little pocketknife and started working . " A really old piece of cardboard , or a card or something . Looks like its been up in here for a hundred years . Bring me a lamp down here , would ya ? " " Be careful , " Buck said , picturing JD elbowing the lamp and burning the boarding house down . JD didn 't answer . He just kept working until he loosened the item . Finally , he pulled out what appeared to be a folder or something . " Got it , " he said , breathlessly . Buck put the lamp back on the bedside table and then pulled JD up to his feet . Neither said anything as they sat side by side on Ezra 's bed . JD was holding a brown folder with a flap that folded over it . A black ribbon had been tied around it and the color had faded into straight marks across the front and back of the folder . There were water marks that had faded the surface in places . It was sealed . Chris Larabee looked . . . defeated somehow . Mrs . Potter stood up . " Well , Sir , if it 's all the same to you , I think I 'll just stay for a while . When your boys do get home , they 'll need tending to . Everybody will need a hot meal and I think that 's too much for you and Miss Inez . " Miss Nettie argued that she wouldn 't dare try to go home when it 's this bad out . It seemed that every other resident of Four Corners had some reason to stay in the saloon that night . Although the evening was shrouded with worry , the little town drew strength from the fact that they were facing the crisis together . Mary looked around the room and realized for the first time that the men who had been hired to protect the town had also galvinized it . And maybe the town had given something back to the men - - men who had , each for his own reasons , become loners . Now they had become part of something , and she figured , part of each other . JD fingered the document holder . " What do you think it is ? " " Could be anything . " Buck took the item from JD . " It ain 't been opened , so Ezra probably doesn 't even know it exists . " JD got up and pulled the little box of letters out from where he 'd put it under the bed . He opened it , and gasped when he saw the picture of Ezra when he was a little boy . He looked up at Buck , a question in his eyes . A question Buck couldn 't answer . JD looked in the box again and he pulled out a letter . He held it up next to the folder Buck had . He pointed to the lettering on the folder . " That ain 't Maude 's writing , " JD said . Buck waited a long time before speaking . " Then . . . it 's gotta be . . . " " . . . Ezra 's father 's . " JD 's voice finished his friend 's thought . It was little more than a whisper . " What should we do ? " Buck looked around the room . " Well , first thing is to clean this place up . I 've made one hell of a mess . Then . . . " " I know what you mean . " Buck tapped it while he thought about it . After a moment , he handed it to JD . " Hang on to it . We 'll show it to Ezra when he gets home . " JD 's expression was clouded . Buck slapped him on the back . " C ' mon , kid . Let 's get to work . " " I 'll do it . You 've gotta get to the saloon . Chris really wants you to be there . " Buck nodded , and pulled on his muffler and gloves . JD looked at him intently . " I think . . . he needs you , Buck . " " I will . " JD looked back over his shoulder . " And you might get Josiah to come up and help us put the footboard back on . I don 't think Ezra 'd be too happy to find out we broke his bed . " * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Hours passed . Clumps of people were scattered throughout the saloon . Some sat at tables , some at the bar . Casey was curled up on the floor asleep . JD 's coat swallowed her , and served as a warm blanket . JD sat close by - - but not * too * close , not with Miss Nettie keeping a sharp eye on them . JD was staring into the fire . Inez was asleep at a table . Mary sat talking softly to the judge and Josiah . There was a makeshift bed in front of the hearth . It would be the warmest place for Ezra . Buck and Chris sat together at a table . They had talked about nothing for a long time . It was evident to the others in the room that Chris had relaxed as soon as Buck arrived . In times of trouble , nothing was so calming as an old friend . The clock had just chimed three when the saloon doors suddenly swung open and Vin and Nathan staggered in , dragging a near - dead Ezra Standish between them . " Sweet Jesus , " Mrs . Potter exclaimed and the room erupted into action . With a nod to Chris , Vin collapsed , leaving Nathan to catch the gambler . Exhausted , Nathan began sliding slowly to the ground with Ezra , when Josiah and Chris reached them . " Easy , " Josiah said , whether to Nathan or Chris , it didn 't matter . Nathan was powerless to help and Chris was already easing Ezra up into his arms . He looked over his shoulder at Buck . " See to Vin , " he said . " Here , " Miss Nettie directed and she led Chris to the bed they 'd made near the hearth . " Not . . . too close , " Nathan instructed weakly . " Heat . . . shock . " Josiah was half - carrying the healer to the hearth as well . Nathan kept talking . " Frostbite . . . be careful . " " We 're taking good care of him , Mr . Jackson , " Nettie said . She and Chris started stripping Ezra of his soaked , near frozen clothes . . . well , Vin 's clothes partly . The tracker had given Ezra his overcoat and gloves . The sight of Ezra 's hands caused Nettie to gasp . " Dear Lord , " she said softly , and she started rubbing each of his hands between hers . " Casey ! " she called and her sleepy niece was at her side immediately . Nettie showed her how to tend to his hands , then she started pulling off his boots and socks . Buck immediately knelt beside Vin . The tracker 's face was lined with pain . . . or was it worry . Vin grabbed Buck 's arm . " Don 't let him die , Buck , " his voice cracked . " He ain 't gonna die , " Buck said , trying to sound convincing , but a tear trailed down the tracker 's face . Buck was pulling the soaked clothes off of his friend . " C ' mon , Junior , quit fretting about it . You 're tired and you 've been freezing your ass - - " Buck 's jaw dropped when he realized Inez was helping him . " Beg your pardon , ma ' am . " He turned back to Vin and corrected himself . " Freezing your backside off . " Vin actually smiled slightly . " Now that 's better , " Buck said . He looked over at Ezra . " Looks like they 're taking real good care of him . He 'll be winning money offa you in no time . " JD had gotten out of the way of the group working on Ezra . Instead , he knelt beside Nathan . " How you doing ? " the kid asked . " Better , " the healer answered , and he started trying to sit up . " Stay there , " JD and Josiah said at the same time . " Can I do anything ? " JD asked whoever could tell him . Nettie was working to warm Ezra 's feet . " Get as many blankets as you can and warm them by the fire at the boarding house . " " Yes ma ' am , " JD said . He squeezed Nathan 's shoulder . " I 'm so glad you 're back . You found him . " " I . . . hope . . . we weren 't . . . too . . . late . " Nettie looked down at the gambler , whose lips were gray - blue and whose skin looked like a corpse 's . And she lied . " He 's already getting his color back . He 'll be all right , Mr . Jackson . " JD looked at Ezra and felt his heart plummet . The gambler almost didn 't look real . JD looked at Miss Nettie in the eye . He could read the truth there , but she shook her head , no . Don 't tell Nathan any different . JD squeezed his eyes closed and bit his lip to hide the emotion he felt . Then he nodded back . He went over to where Buck and Inez were helping Vin . He knelt beside the sharpshooter . " Hey , Vin , " he said softly . Vin opened his mouth , but JD interrupted him before he could say anything . " Don 't try to talk . It 's ok . " " Ezra ? " Buck looked up quickly . How did the kid know that ? One look at the boy 's red eyes said it all . He was telling a kind lie . Buck 's own eyes stung . JD reached out and rested his hand on Vin 's shoulder . " You did a good thing out there - - giving him your coat and all , " he said , then he rose to his feet again . He looked at Buck . " I 'll be back with warm blankets soon . " Nathan watched Nettie and Chris working on Ezra . At first he was hoping they could save his hands and feet . Now he just hoped they could save his life . Josiah kept trying to get him to settle down but Nathan would have none of it . Clearly , the process of raising Ezra 's body temperature was excruciating to the gambler . He was moaning as they warmed him and he cried out when they started treating the frostbite on his hands . " Easy now , " Nathan cautioned . For some reason , he felt very protective of the gambler . " You gotta . . . go really slow . " Just talking was exhausting . " Nathan ? " Everyone was shocked to hear Ezra 's weak voice . " Just rest , Ezra . You 're going to be fine . " Ezra struggled to open his eyes . " Nathan . . . I 'm . . . sorry . " The effort was too much and Ezra lost consciousness again . Nathan leaned over his friend . He could feel Josiah 's strong hands supporting him . " No need to say any sorries to me , " Nathan said . " You 're . . . my good friend . " Once he 'd said it , Nathan let Josiah help him lay back down . Then he felt Josiah 's big hand press against his forehead . " You got fever , Nathan . " " I 'm sick , " Nathan said softly . " Don 't make anything of it . " " I won 't , " Joaish said . " Vin ? " The preacher sighed and looked back at Buck and Inez helping Vin , and over at Nettie and Chris helping Ezra . It was tedious work . Everyone else was doing whatever they could to help . It was going to be a long night . Christmas Eve . It sure didn 't feel like it . JD remembered another Christmas Eve , sitting by a sickbed . He worried about his friends anytime they were hurt or sick , but when someone was sick on Christmas Eve , there was a sense of foreboding . JD didn 't realize he was tapping his foot until Vin reached his hand over and grabbed his knee . " Sorry . . . " JD mumbled , and he shifted around so he could sit on his foot . Vin chuckled . " It 's all right , kid . " JD couldn 't believe this . Why did Vin care whether or not he was having a good Christmas ? " Doesn 't matter about Christmas . You and Nathan got Ezra back here alive . That 's all that counts . " JD felt really uncomfortable about this conversation . He was bringing Vin down - - making him worry . He didn 't know how he was doing it , but he must be doing something wrong . Maybe he should go . " Vin , I 'm sorry . Let me get Buck . He 'll cheer you up . I didn 't mean to make you worry about anything . " JD stood up , but Vin grabbed his arm . " Wait , JD . You didn 't do anything . Sit down . I want to talk . " JD shrugged his shoulders and sat back down . " Oh , " he muttered and he remembered to sit on his foot so it wouldn 't tap . " I know you 're worried about Ezra , but he 's gonna be all right . " JD had to chuckle . Usually no one could get a word in edgewise once JD got going . But now . . . well , there was too much in his head . He didn 't know where to start . Maybe he should wait . Maybe he should keep it a secret . " You think that 's a good idea ? " " I 'm gonna go nuts if I lay flat on my back for another minute , " Vin said . JD hooked an arm through Vin 's and pulled him all the way up . And Vin started to fall forward . JD caught him , then sat on the bed in front of him . " Whoa . . . " Vin cried as a wave of . . . dizziness ? overwhelmed him . He pressed his head against JD 's shoulder . " Easy , " JD said , keeping his voice gentle . Instinctively , he cupped the back of his friend 's head . With his other hand , he rubbed Vin 's back . It was soaked with sweat . JD was alarmed . Vin waited before answering . After a long moment , the tracker raised his head . " No . It 's letting up . " He sat like that for a minute . Satisfied that Vin wasn 't going to fall out of bed or anything , JD stacked a bunch of pillows behind his friend . Vin finally slumped back into the mountain of down . " Thanks , kid . " " You 're welcome . " Now that Vin had gotten distracted , he might not push JD into talking . That meant JD had a little more time to decide what to do . He helped Vin change his wet shirt . That had to feel better . " Don 't try to get out of bed without help , OK ? " JD said . " Yessir , " Vin answered with a salute . It took JD a second to realize that Vin was teasing him . Once he did , though , he grinned and saluted back . The saloon didn 't look like a saloon . It didn 't look right somehow . It was , on one hand , decidedly festive . But it was , on the other hand , a makeshift hospital . How strange ! The smells of Christmas were prominent - - hot cider and gingerbread , ham , fresh baked bread . . . perhaps he was dreaming . The smells mingled with linament , alcohol and salves . There were beautiful garlands and wreaths and decorations . There were bandages and beds . It seemed so odd . . . He looked at the tall man asleep in the chair by the bed . Buck Wilmington ? Why ? Buck didn 't really like him . But there he was . And Ezra knew vaguely that Buck had been there a long time . What day is it ? " Christmas Day , " Was that Mr . Larabee ? Ezra hadn 't realized he 'd asked the question aloud . " Christmas , " Ezra repeated . Damn . What had he forgotten ? He needed to do something . He 'd better get up . Ezra tried to lift his hand , but he could only turn it a little . Chris lifted Ezra 's arm and showed him the bandages on his hands . " Thank the Lord , " Ezra said . " My feet ? " " They 'll be all right , but it 'll take a while for them to heal . " Chris sat in the chair on the other side of the bed . Buck never stirred . " Ezra , you must have a guardian angel watching over you . You were so lucky . " " Seems that I have six , " Ezra said , and he felt a smile tug at his mouth . Chris looked around the saloon at the sleeping peacekeepers - - Buck in the chair , Nathan and Vin in the beds , Josiah in a chair between the two of them and JD on the floor , leaning back on Josiah 's legs . " You surely do , Ezra . You surely do . " By Christmas night , Nathan and Vin were able to move to their own rooms . Vin had improved enough to have Christmas dinner in the saloon with the peacekeepers and their friends . Ezra was asleep by the hearth . " That 's part of the healing , " Nettie said . She came over and put her arm around Vin . " He 's gonna make it . It 's just gonna take time . " Vin nodded , standing up . He hugged her . " How are you , Miss Nettie , " he asked . She touched his face and looked down at Ezra . " Grateful , " she answered simply . " I 'm just mighty grateful . " He smiled and looked around the room . A few folks were already seated at the long table . The saloon bore little resemblance to their drinking establishment . It looked more like a huge dining hall - - well , a huge dining hall with a bar . Inez and Casey were bustling around the table and in and out of the kitchen . Josiah was trying to help , but Inez would slap his hand . Chris was drinking . . . something in a mug . Vin suspected that it wasn 't coffee or hot chocolate . He went over to sit by him and when Chris set down the mug , he glanced in it . He grinned and leaned down by Chris ' ear . " Red eye ? " Vin asked . " What ? You don 't think it 's festive ? " Vin chuckled . " I might wanna join in the festivities myself . " Chris raised his mug to Inez and nodded toward Vin . She smiled , looking like she was in on some kind of conspiracy or something . Vin smiled back . Evidently , Buck saw what was going on because he raised his mug in a toast to Chris , and he winked at Vin . Vin could account for almost everyone . Nathan would be in his room . Everybody else was here . Everyone except for JD , who was conspicuously absent . Inez arrived with a mug for Vin . " He took dinner up to Nathan , " she said . " He didn 't want him to have to have Christmas dinner alone . " Buck laughed . " Don 't let him hear you say that . You 'll spoil his ' tough outlaw ' image . " Then Buck sighed and shook his head . " You 're right , though . He has a good heart . " " Seems Christmas is mighty hard on the boy , " Nettie said . " Well , this hadn 't exactly been a normal Christmas , " Chris said . " This one 's been hard on everybody . " Vin nodded . " I say we don 't give each other gifts until we can do it with Ezra . " " I agree , " Chris said . Buck and the others concurred . " Ezra ? ? " Buck cried and he jumped up and ran over to the pallet by the hearth . He knelt beside the gambler , Chris and Josiah right on his heels . Vin followed slowly . " I can 't believe I 'm glad to hear you talking again ! " Buck said . " I believe that is what they refer to as a ' back - handed compliment . ' Thank you , Mr . Wilmington . " Buck looked around at his friends . " Yeah , whatever . " Vin touched Buck 's shoulder and everyone backed away so he could see Ezra . He wobbled a bit . " Easy there , Cowboy , " Chris said , gripping his arm firmly . Buck slid the chair up for him and they both helped him sit down . Nettie got around to Ezra 's other side and looked into his eyes . " I . . . can 't tell yet . " " Well , when you 've been awake longer you 'll figure it out . " " How long have I been asleep ? " Chris answered . " About three days . You woke up a couple of times . Do you remember ? " " No . . . " " You may have been asleep longer than that , " Chris said . " We don 't know how long you were out before they found you . " " Yeah , " Vin said . God , it was good to see Ezra awake . Suddenly , Vin felt a lump in his throat . " You look good , Ezra . " Ezra started to say something , but he didn 't . Instead , he reached out awkwardly toward Vin , but couldn 't touch him with his hand bandaged like it was . Vin leaned forward and held his friend 's wrist with both hands . Ezra 's green eyes filled and for the first time since they 'd met , Vin saw tears roll down the gambler 's face . Ezra tried to speak again , but his voice was thick with emotion . " Thank you . . . Mr . Tanner . " " You 're welcome , " Vin grinned , " Mr . Standish . " He eased Ezra 's hand back to the bed . Ezra frowned . " You don 't look well . " Vin was embarrassed . " I wasn 't that sick - - thought I had a cold . And Nathan was too pig - headed to tell me he was sick . But he was afraid you 'd need help and he 'd be the only one who 'd know what to do . " An unfamiliar expression crossed Ezra 's face . Was it shock ? Sadness ? " He 's a good man , " Ezra said , finally . " He is , " Josiah said . " And he 'll be really glad to see you . " " We all are , " Casey said . " Well , hello , Miss Wells , " the gambler said . Vin could see a hint of Ezra 's old charm . " How nice to awaken to such a vision of loveliness . " Casey looked around at everyone who 'd gathered around the bed . She 'd looked both pleased and bashful at his praise . " Why , thank you , Mr . Standish . " " All right , all right , everyone leave him alone , " Inez whisked out from the kitchen . " Go back to your place at the table . Dinner is ready and Se � or Standish needs to rest . " Reluctantly , his friends moved away from the hearthside bed . Well , Vin didn 't jump up right away . He was slow moving still . Besides , it was worth it to watch Ezra 's expression when Inez leaned over the gambler . . . Nathan and JD had a quiet dinner - - a nice dinner . Afterwards , JD had taken the dirty dishes and stacked them on the dresser , then he sat back down in the chair next to him . It seemed to Nathan like JD was glad not to have to be around a lot of people . Nathan was glad for the company . It was a beautiful Christmas to him . His friends were alive and they were going to be just fine . Nathan was a free man . Folks may not realize that he thought about that , but he did . He 'd spent many Christmases as someone 's property . It was hard to celebrate Christmas when you were afraid - - when you didn 't know if you 'd ever spend another Christmas with your family . And he remembered the first Christmas without them . Once he was free , he decided to celebrate the holiday as fully as he could , in honor of his people . " Are you OK ? " " Why ? " A simple question . An honest one . And JD must have thought it sounded silly because he immediately blushed . " I didn 't mean it to sound like that . I just thought . . . I mean , ' wonderful ' . Here you are - - sick in bed at Christmas . You sure you 're ' wonderful ' ? " " Son , a few days ago , we didn 't know if Ezra was alive or dead . Now we know he 's gonna be fine - - we all are . And that whole town waited in the saloon to be sure Ezra and Vin and me got home safe . I got a warm bed and a full belly and I got a family here . " Nathan reached out to grab the boy 's arm . " Right here , JD . " He loosened his hold and rested his hand on JD 's shoulder . " Friends are the family we choose . And the seven of us ? I 'd say we 've chosen right well . So yeah , son . I 'm wonderful . " Nathan wasn 't expecting what happened next , but JD 's eyes glistened and suddenly tears streamed down his face . The young man didn 't say anything . Nathan didn 't either , but he pulled JD toward him . The boy let him and wound up kneeling by the bed , his face hidden behind folded arms , sobbing silently . Utterly silently . New Year 's Eve . And while the rest of the world was preparing to ring in the New Year , the peacekeepers of Four Corners were gathered in Ezra Standish 's room exchanging Christmas gifts . Ezra was still bedridden , but much better . He was beginning to use his hands again , even though walking would be another week away at least . This year , the gifts were more meaningful . The men knew each other . . . and had come to treasure each other . Even Chris , who had not really participated in the last few celebrations , had not only bought gifts but obviously had thought about them way in advance of the holiday season . Ezra vaguely remembered focusing on each of these friends during his ordeal as a way to stay alert . And his friends ' reactions to his gifts . . . exceeded his expectations . Vin was so overwhelmed with his surveyor 's equiptment , he could hardly speak . " Purely self - serving , I assure you , " the gambler said . " If you 'd have had these before I wandered off , you and Nathan might have gotten to me a day earlier . " Vin and Nathan laughed heartily at that . Buck was as excited about Nathan 's swords as Nathan was , but Ezra 's request that Nathan teach him seemed to mean more to the healer than the gift itself . Ezra held his breath as Chris opened his gifts . Perhaps he 'd taken too great an initiative having those pictures restored . But when he saw the expression on their leader 's face - - the joy and the relief - - Ezra realized , maybe for the first time in his life , the true joy of giving . The rest of the ritual went on for another hour . Vin had faded pretty quickly and had fallen asleep on the floor leaning against the wall . Nathan had sat down next to him - - to help him - - and within ten minutes , he 'd fallen asleep as well . Ezra realized he wasn 't gonna be able to stay awake either . It was still three hours before midnight . Finally , Chris started herding the men out , but at Ezra 's request , Josiah remained . The others all thanked him and each other then Vin and Nathan headed to their rooms to fall into bed . Buck and Chris headed to the saloon . And JD said he might come down later . Right now he was sleepy . Josiah had given Ezra a set of games - - pinocle , backgammon , and of course , a full compliment of cards and poker chips . Ezra , however , had asked to give Josiah his gift in private . Josiah sat in the big leather chair beside Ezra 's bed and waited . " Josiah , " Ezra began , finding his voice to be less than responsive . " You have given me something I didn 't even know was there . " Ezra swallowed hard . He leaned over to the bedside table , and pulled out the drawer . " You 've given me . . . " Oh why was this so hard to say . " You 've given me . . . a soul . " Ezra pulled out a leather purse and held it for a moment - - as though he could " feel " the essence of what was inside . " I have had . . . a good year . I 've had a lucrative year , Mr . Sanchez , and I 've been setting aside a portion of my earnings , " he looked up and grinned at the preacher , " well , more often , my ' winnings ' . " Josiah smiled back . Ezra placed the purse in his friend 's hands . " I figure I have a lot of years to make up for . This should let you finish your church . " " You 're right , Josiah . I don 't need to give money to the church to save my soul . My soul was taken care of the day I got shot and Mary didn 't . And I don 't need the money to live well . I have what I need . This , " Ezra smiled broadly " . . . is a gift . I had been trying to get to the bank to retrieve the funds when . . . I seemed to wander off in search of a mine . This is what I was looking for . " " You haven 't been to the bank since you 've been back . " This was it . JD Dunne was damn near quaking in his boots . His heart pounded and his mouth got dry . Josiah tried talking to him , but JD didn 't have time for that . The preacher wouldn 't let up . " Later ! " JD said , more harshly than he intended . Then he shook his head . " I 'm sorry , Josiah . Please , could we talk . . . " " Later , " Josiah finished for him with a smile . " It 's all right . Just don 't carry that weight for too long , John Dunne . " And he meant it . Josiah walked off and JD realized that it was time . He couldn 't put it off any longer . He knocked on the door . " Ezra ? " " No , just the shank of the evening . " Ezra was in a better mood than JD had seen him - - well . . . forever . " Have a seat , Mr . Dunne . " Oh shit ! " You know about that ? " " Your partner in crime already told me about it . " Damn it , Buck . You could have told me you 'd told him . " I 'm sorry , Ezra . " " It 's all right , son . I know why you ' ransacked ' my room . I 'm just sorry your search for my mother 's whereabouts was fruitless . " Ezra raised an eyebrow . " Well , all right , I 'm * not * sorry you didn 't get in touch with her . No need for her to cut her wild safari short just because her only son is missing in a blizzard . " " Only that you found something tucked in the bedframe . " Ezra 's voice lost the bitterness . " He didn 't know why you insisted on bringing it to me yourself - - without him . " Oh no , it was happening . JD felt like his heart would explode , it was beating so fast . He kept his eyes trained on the floor . " JD , when I first got this bedroom suite from Maude 's uncle , I found all sorts of things in the backs of drawers . Nothing more than a little memo book , a handkerchief , an old confederate dollar . It 's all right . What did you find ? " JD felt his eyes sting , and he couldn 't move . Funny , just a moment before , he couldn 't * stop * moving . Ezra sat up on the side of the bed . " What 's wrong , son ? " JD finally looked up . His voice quivered . " I opened it . God , I 'm so sorry . Buck said not to , but I did . I opened it . " " Afraid of what ? " Oh , JD couldn 't sit and talk about this . He jumped up and started pacing . " When I was about . . . eleven or twelve , " he took a big breath and went on . " Somebody came by and claimed he was my father . My mother got a folder like the one I found in your bed . It had papers saying she had to . . . give me over to him . " JD didn 't look at Ezra . All he could do was stand by the dresser facing the wall just to get this story out . " What happened then , JD ? " " It 's all right , JD . I 'm being careful . It doesn 't hurt . " Well , that was a little lie , but at the moment , his pain wasn 't as great as his friend 's . " You don 't have to tell me , either . It 's all right that you opened my folder , JD . You don 't need to dredge all of this up if you don 't want . . . " " He kept me away from my mother for a year . He lied to us - - he wasn 't my father . He was a f * * * ing judge , Ezra . He could do anything he wanted . The law couldn 't touch him . " JD felt a dry laugh escape his lips . " He just needed a . . . slave boy . " Ezra reached up and , using his wrist , turned JD 's face toward him . Seeing such anguish in his friend 's young face , Ezra felt an emotion that he used to squelch - - an emotion that he 'd become quite familiar with , of late . Evidently , JD hadn 't let himself remember for years . But now it all seemed to come flooding back . And JD told Ezra all of it - - fists , black eyes , broken bones , working sun - up to sundown , trying to hide , trying to run away . Ezra looked at the boy curled up asleep in the big leather chair . Neither had noticed the coming of the New Year . They had been talking . . . about mothers and fathers , childhood , Christmas , friends , secrets , sins . . . And redemption . Ezra looked at the pocket watch he had laid on the bedside table . He squinted at the watchface - - and that made him feel old . 4 : 30 . Hm . Well , no sense in getting JD up just to have him go to his room . Ezra put the watch back , then he lay back on the mountain of pillows he kept on his bed . He studied the ceiling and let his bandaged hand rest on the rumpled page that had been liberated from the bedframe where it had been lodged nearly thirty years ago . But its words meant more to him now than they ever could have before . JD had worried so over that folder . Initially , he had been horrified by it - - for it appeared so similar to one he and his mother had been given some fifteen years ago . The one JD had received had declared that the woman who had raised him had lied to him all his life . It had said that a judge was his father and his mother had stolen him away . And it required him to leave his mother to go live with a man he 'd never met . Ezra squeezed his eyes closed as he thought of his young friend trying to decide whether or not to open the folder which read so similarly " For my little boy , Ezra . " JD had been so afraid it would contain something horrible - - something that would ruin Ezra 's already fragile relationship with his mother . And if Ezra had been dying . . . Well , JD hadn 't been willing to take that chance . So he opened it - - a folder intended for only Ezra and Maude . Once he had opened it , JD realized he had learned an incredible truth about Ezra that Ezra himself didn 't know . Maude probably didn 't either . The young man had carried the guilt of knowing he had invaded their privacy when Buck had already advised him not to . Ezra looked back over at the boy , sleeping peacefully . He doubted that JD had gotten any sleep over the past week . Between the worry for his friends , the guilt over opening the folder and the resurrection of his own childhood demons , that young man had had one hell of a week . Well , come tomorrow , JD would tell Buck about his year of living with the judge and he 'd begin to put that chapter of his childhood behind him for good . " Sleep well , my friend , " Ezra whispered , and he turned over to read the letter one more time . Maybe he 'd let his " brothers " read it tomorrow . For right now , though , he 'd savor the experience all by himself . He scooted the letter across the mattress toward the light so he could see the extraordinary handwriting . . . Of his father . Oh , how I wish I could be there with you to see you turn five . I hope this letter arrives a day before so I can be the first one to wish you a happy birthday . I miss you so much , son , and when I 'm well enough , I 'm gonna hop on a stage or maybe even a train and ride straight through ' til I get to you . Then we 'll never miss another birthday . Your aunt Millie says you are growing tall . I can just see you . At night before I go to sleep , I look at your picture . Then I imagine you growing up . You 're becoming quite a little man , I 'm sure of it . Of course , sometimes I like to think of you as a little boy . I 'm afraid for you to grow up too fast because I don 't want to miss anything . I write you every week , Ezra , every single week . I want you to know that . But sometimes , the letter comes back to me . Your mama has to travel so much and I don 't always know where you are . I don 't mind saying that that scares me , son . Oh , I know your mama leaves you in good hands or she takes you with her , but I still worry that I might lose track of you somehow . Now , there 's not much your daddy is afraid of , but he 's afraid when he doesn 't know how to find you . Your mama doesn 't like to write , but your aunt Millie writes everytime she has any news about you This time I figured out a way to be sure you get my letter . If you were here to see me , you 'd see a twinkle in my eye . The mailman might lose a letter , or send it back if he can 't find you . But NOBODY is gonna send back a bed . I figured I could put the letter in the bed frame , and someone 'd find it when they put it together . Now this is a mighty big bed for a little boy , but you 'll grow into it . This was my bed when I was a young man . And it was your granddaddy 's before that . I know he 'd be proud for you to have it . I sure am . Oh , Ezra , there 's never been a father prouder of a son than I am of you . I only wish I could be there with you every day . And when I get well , I 'll be there , and we 'll catch up with each other . You can tell me all your stories and show me your toys and I 'll teach you everything I can about being a man . I love you , son . I 've loved you since the first time I held you in my arms . And there wasn 't a sadder day in my life than the day I had to leave you to go fight . You couldn 't possibly remember that . I 'm glad you can 't remember that sadness . But I wish you could remember me . No matter . We 'll get to know each other again . And we 'll ride and rope and have a big time . Until then , you be a good boy . You don 't have to make me proud of you , Ezra . I already am . I 'll keep writing to you every week and when you learn how , you write me back . But maybe I 'll be home in time to teach you myself . I will see you as soon as I can . Have a very happy birthday ! |
Invisible Men This is a novelette I published at Jonathan Strahan 's Eclipse Online in December of 2012 . The online magazine has since disappeared , in the wake of its publisher ( Nightshade Books ) being sold , so I 've posted it here for readers . It was selected for inclusion in Gardner Dozois ' Year 's Best Science Fiction this year , as well as for AudioText 's Year 's Best SF audio anthology . She always likens herself to our Lord in Heaven , and clutches her hand at her heart like some poor widow , though she just married for a second time not a year ago , and you 'd think she 'd be happier with Mr . Hall around to help . Especially when he came round and took rooms from them . I might be a bit of a dull - headed girl - that 's what my mother always told me , Lord keep her - but I ain 't so dull I can 't see something 's wrong with a person when he comes into the Coach and Horses with his head all wrapped up like some bloody mummy , and thick blue goggles for glasses . Really , I should wince and say to her , " Do you think that 's normal , miss ? " Oh , shut up , you silly girl . Move it along . You 're slower than a cow ! Help indeed ! Snap , snap ! Clap , clap ! She 's got many ways of dealing with me . But I ain 't no girl , and I ain 't no cow . I got sixteen years , and four of them I been working like anyone . What she sees ain 't me , but some other girl . Cause ain 't I the one who cleared the straw he spilled from those crates of his all over the floor of his room ? And ain 't I the one who scrubbed at a stain on the floor he 'd made with all his chemicals and such ? She wanted to take him his tea and his eggs and ham . She wanted to stand at his shut door and listen to his moaning and sobbing , hand clutched at her heart like some mother . She wanted to try speaking with him like she was on his level - whatever it was , it was surely above hers by the way he spoke - and all I could do was laugh behind my hand in the kitchen when he chased her out of that room with a chair , the chair floating in midair like a ghost , and she came shrieking down the staircase . Mrs . Hall gave me a hot time of it , she did , taking out her troubles with him on the likes of me while he was staying here . But I didn 't let her muck me about too much . And there was always talk to be had when she wasn 't round the bar , but upstairs leaning her ear against that door of his . Teddy Henfrey was here one day after all that mess with the Invisible Man started , and I caught him looking up at the pub 's ceiling , shaking his head . " Here , Millie , " he said , " what 's Mrs . Hall on to up there ? Still trying to get old goggle - eyes to talk ? " I kept wiping glasses and shook my head . " I don 't right know , Teddy , " I said . " I keep to my own or she 'll give me a hot time of it . " Teddy Henfrey is the village clock - mender . He had a bad round of it with old goggle - eyes on the very day he showed up at the Coach and Horses . Mrs . Hall asked Teddy to come mend a clock in her new guest 's room , but that clock had been dead some three months and she 'd never once made a glance in its direction . Then goggle - eyes come through the door of the inn on the last day of February , snow blowing all round him , and him wrapped up in a greatcoat , muffler , and a hat with a brim so wide it cast a shadow over his face . And wouldn 't you know , not two hours after she brought him his eggs and ham , Mrs . Hall was going on about that clock in his room needing mending . It was just so she could get in there while Teddy went to work . Anyone could see that . Wanting a look at things , she was . We didn 't know goggle - eyes weren 't visible when he showed up , of course - we thought he 'd been hurt in a fire or some other kind of accident - but if we 'd known the truth of him then , I would 've liked to say to her , " He 's invisible , miss . He ain 't blind , too , is he ? " But I must remind myself I 've got a place , and that ain 't so bad , considering I got no people . Ma died four years ago , and that 's when I come to the Coach and Horses , where she 'd done the work before me . Dad 's been gone since I was little . Drowned , Ma told me , in the river one black night when he was wandering round like a fish with two legs . So I suppose it could have been me coming through that door on the last day of February , shouting , " In the name of human charity ! A room and a fire ! " What happened was this . Mrs . Hall wouldn 't leave the man well enough alone . She kept trying to get his story out of him . Whenever she got a chance , she 'd make a reason to barge in , even though he 'd said to leave him be . She took him ham and eggs , like I 've said , and then , after he waited for her to leave , she came back to the kitchen and saw she 'd forgotten the mustard I 'd made . " I declare ! " she shouted . " Slow as treacle , you are , Millie ! Help indeed ! " She took the mustard upstairs then , and I pulled a face at her backside , but when she come down again a few minutes later , her face was all wrinkled with trouble . " What is it , miss ? " I asked , truly worried at that point . It 's not often Mrs . Hall looks like someone run her over with a carriage . I suppose I made my own reasons for being round where she was , too . Cause it was something to watch her get to work on him , it was . She was smooth as a confidence man if ever I saw one . Stood there in his room and started telling him about her sister 's boy , Tom , who 'd cut his arm on a scythe last summer , and how Tom was three months getting better . " My sister was tied up with her little ones , though , " she told him , " and there were all those bandages of Tom 's to do and undo every day . So I took to changing the bandages as a way of helping , and by the end of that summer I knew my way round wrapping and unwrapping people . " She paused after she finished her story , to make her point , and what she told the Invisible Man at the end of her ramble was , " If I may make so bold as to say it , sir - " I had to put my hand over my mouth when I heard that one out in the hall where I 'd been putting away the bedding . He pulled her right up , he did . But she got him those matches he asked for , and she never did make so bold as to say anything else . Later that day was when she brought in Teddy Henfrey , like I mentioned , to make a show of fixing that dead clock . But Teddy stayed over his welcome . Kept trying to fix things about that clock that didn 't need fixing , just so he could get a look at our strange houseguest . So it weren 't just Mrs . Hall who was curious . I suppose anyone with a mind that notices things wanted a look at him . But when it was clear Teddy was wasting his time on that clock , goggle - eyes told him that 's exactly what he was doing , and sent him right off . I hear Teddy went round town in a tizzy about how a man must do a clock at times , surely ! That was probably the first mistake , if you want to start counting the important ones , the ones that started other things happening . Mrs . Hall let Teddy in the man 's room for her own reasons , and when the Invisible Man threw Teddy out , Teddy went about town like a cloud spewing thunder and lightning . It was Teddy , you see , who ran across Mr . Hall coming back from his conveyance route to Sidderbridge Junction and told him , " You got a rum - looking customer at the Coach and Horses , Hall ! " I dare say I had a laugh about that one . Caught it in my hand , though , and slipped it in my pocket . She was always giving me a hot time of it , she was , but she 'd take her tongue out and do Mr . Hall a bad turn whenever the feeling came on her . Couldn 't help but feel a bit bad for him , but also a bit like I weren 't the only one she didn 't see till she wanted to . It was the next day , though , that things really started to seem strange , if that 's possible . His luggage was brought over from the rail station , and it was all in large crates . Mr . Fearenside and Mr . Hall started to unload them from the cart outside the inn , and you could see how heavy the crates were by the strain in their faces , how red their cheeks turned , like roses in winter . The Invisible Man came through the pub where I was collecting plates for a table , and brushed right past me like a cold wind . He was wearing his greatcoat and was muffled in that hat and gloves and scarf , just like the day before . I went to the window and rubbed away the fog of my breath to watch him go clattering down the steps , shouting that Mr . Fearenside and Mr . Hall were taking too long , and why weren 't his things already unloaded . It were a bad idea for him to go down so quick and angry like that , though , cause Mr . Fearenside 's dog was under the wagon , see , and out it come , barking and yapping , and took a nip at the Invisible Man 's hand . Old goggle - eyes pulled back his leg and gave the dog a good kick , but that just stirred the thing even more , and the next thing it did was lunge at his leg and take away a piece of his trousers . Goggle - eyes come through the pub door directly , cursing under his breath . I take a glance at the place where the dog tore his trousers , expecting to see a leg in there , and thinking I might get a chance of seeing what ails his skin as to require all those wrappings . But there ain 't any leg I can see as that bit of his trouser opens and shuts like the flap of a carnival tent , giving glimpses of darkness behind it . There was a tussle of some sort up there . Anyone with ears in the house could hear it . First Mr . Hall made an awful sound , then the door slammed shut again . A minute later , Mr . Hall 's back in the pub , rubbing his head like someone 's given him a great clout upside it . " Are you all right , sir ? " I asked , and he looked up , noticing me as if it 's the first he 's ever seen me . He didn 't say anything , though . Just tugged at his mustache and winced , shook his head like a dog wringing itself out , then went back out to help with the unloading . The crates were brought in then , one after another , once goggle - eyes came out of his room wearing a new pair of trousers . And what a spectacle , the things those crates carried ! Towers of books . Glass tubes , glass bottles . And all kinds of powders and fluids of all sorts of colors . A burner and a balance . The Invisible Man put his things wherever he could find a bit of room . On the mantel . On the bookshelf . On the windowsill . On the floor , when he had no more room to speak of . Quite a sight it all was , too . Took the breath right from me when I peeked round the door to see inside . It appeared he was about to open a chemist 's shop right there in the Coach and Horses ! He got right to work , too , for the rest of the day , with the door locked so Mr . and Mrs . Hall couldn 't come in whenever they wanted . Sometimes I 'd take a journey up the stairs to get a dustbin or a set of bedding for another room , and would take my time to listen near his door . Bottles clinked . Fluids dripped . I could hear a pencil scratch across paper , and thought of him then , bent over one of those big books , all taken up by some idea or experiment that possessed him . And while I was lost in thought of him like that was when she came round the corner and gasped like I were burgling . The door opened on us then , and goggle - eyes looked back and forth between us . I shivered , being that close to him , seeing him look down at me through those blue spectacles of his . And his nose - what a shiny thing it was to see this close . Like a toy nose he might have purchased at a shop somewhere , it was . Mrs . Hall took the chance to look past him into the room right then , and before goggle - eyes could give us a bad time , she gasps and says , " My word , but it looks like a barn in here ! All that straw , sir ! " Mrs . Hall didn 't stop there , though . No , she was in motion . Pushed right past him into the room and found her way to a golden stain he 'd made on the floor with some of his chemicals , just like a hound , and said , " Sir , my floor ! " But still no answer comes . I look over my shoulder , back down the stairwell . I can hear Mrs . Hall down in the kitchen making tea . Then I look back at his door , turn the knob , and odd but it ain 't locked as usual . And when I push in , the room 's empty . Not the straw or mess , of course . Him . Old goggle - eyes ain 't there . But I 've not seen him come down and I 've been working in the parlour all morning . And I 've not seen him go out the pub way either , and I been working in there all afternoon . And as Mrs . Hall made it a thing for me to knock , like she expects him to be in there working on his experiments , I can 't imagine she seen him leave the Coach and Horses either . So I go in and think , Maybe this is better , not having to see him . Just doing my business of picking up after , and getting away without having to work around him . There are lots of things out of order in there , so I start first with the straw , since it 's most noticeable , and sweep it all up into a pile in the hall to pick up later . Then I start in on the stain , putting my elbow and shoulder into it . It ain 't coming out well , though I do manage to make it fade a little . I rub and rub and finally I sigh , sit up on my knees , and stretch my arms above me , letting my fingers flicker in the air , stretching them too . And that 's when I feel it . Something creeping under my arms , like spiders crawling on my skin . I put my arms down quick and the feeling goes away . I look both right and left , but no one 's in there . Just me . I bend over again , thinking I 've got to get a day free if Mrs . Hall will allow it . I 'll tell her the spiders - on - my - arms story , I 'm thinking , and that might help my case . And while I 'm rubbing at that golden stain on the floor , thinking about this , I feel the spiders go crawling down my spine . " Shh , shh , girl , " he says . " Shh , shh . " Like I 'm a baby crying . So I stop making a fuss and he says , " I will release you if you promise to be quiet . " I nod once , and then his hand comes off my mouth . " Are you a ghost ? " I say , looking round the room at nothing . I hear footsteps on the floor , creaking in a room where no one 's walking . I stand , ready to run . " Ah , " he says , chuckling . " A village girl , through and through . No , my young one , I am no ghost . I am a scientist , you see . " I don 't say anything to that . I 'm too busy looking round the room , trying to hear where the footsteps come from . He 's circling me like wolves circle lambs cut off from the herd . Then the footsteps stop , and he says , " I have discovered something , Millie . A powerful thing . The secret of invisibility . A way for no one to ever see you . " " Well , exactly , " he says , and his voice changes so it sounds like he 's latched on to something . " Exactly , Millie . You 're already an unseen , of sorts , aren 't you ? And what good does it do you ? If you were truly invisible , though , you could do what you can 't now . You could take a greater payment for the work you do . You could damage those who regularly abuse your services . " " I 'm talking about taking what you deserve , " he tells me . " Taking what you deserve and much , much more . " He says , " Millie , I can offer you a moment in history , if you should like to join me . " His fingers - I know that 's what they are this time round - caress my cheek again , a soft stroke . I notice that old goggle - eyes has his greatcoat hanging up in the corner now , and his hat on the table , and his gloves beside it . His trousers hang over the back of a chair . His shoes sit beside the legs of his chemistry table . " It 's you , " I say , " ain 't it ? You ain 't wearing any clothes , are you ? " I back up without saying anything . The needle follows . At the door , I take hold of the knob and say , " Sir , nothing 's happened here today . I want you to understand that . You can go about your business and I 'll go about mine . Not a word they 'll have from me , but I promise they 'll have it if you don 't leave me be . " I close the door without a word back from him . I turn to find the mound of straw in the hall behind me . I lean over then , pick up as much as I can carry , and take it downstairs . Mrs . Hall don 't see me take it out the kitchen door . She 's busy doing sums of some sort on the account book . Totting up what goggle - eyes owes her , surely . I hadn 't thought about her for a while . It 'd been four years since she died . I was twelve then , and working at the Coach and Horses kept me busy enough over the following years that I didn 't think much about anything but my duties . I can 't say when for sure I 'd stopped fingering my memories of Ma , but surely it was sometime between washing the dishes and making up beds . My mother had been a good woman , even if she were sometimes hard on me . Like I said , she sometimes called me dull - headed , and would come home from the Coach and Horses and shoo me off cause she 'd been caring after others all day , and there I was wanting a bit of her when she didn 't have a drop left . Usually , though , after she got her feet up and her wind back , she 'd sit me on her lap and brush my hair . She 'd tell me stories . In all her stories , I was the heroine . Millie who went to London on the back of a flying horse . Millie who found a cave where the fair folk live , and brought them home to help her poor mother cook and clean . Cause of Ma , I had many ideas of myself that I can 't say I 'd thought of on my own . But they were none of them the me I was after she died , after I went to take her place at the Coach and Horses . I wonder sometimes , what sort of idea of herself did Ma have ? She never put herself in her stories as a heroine , just me . And whenever I tried to include her , she 'd say , " Aww , Millie , my love , your old mother 's not an adventurer like you are . " Quite an adventure it was , too , after she died . Going to live with the Halls , working there like my mother did . And then the funeral service , when some of her friends from the village came to pay their respects , that was shorter than I 'd expected . I suppose I 'd imagined something grander , rows of flowers , a violin playing somewhere , at least a piano , or a choir - even one melancholy singer , really - might have marked my mother 's passing . But , no , that was not to be . At least the vicar Mr . Bunting was nice about her , from what I remember . He mentioned the smile she had for anyone who entered the Coach and Horses . I remember thinking how odd that was , though , cause she weren 't ever smiling when she came home from there . She has a stone marker in the churchyard now , but her name ain 't on it . Sometimes , when I have a free day , I sit with her there , and trace my fingertip over the dirt on the stone . I spell her name . Rose . I trace the letters over and over , until it burns the tip of my finger . That 's what I kept coming back to after that incident in the Invisible Man 's room . How he said I could have a moment in history . My mother never had a moment in history . Her name ain 't even on that stone in the churchyard . All that 's left of her is that stone itself , and whatever I can recall of her . What would Ma have thought of the Invisible Man , I wonder ? Would she have had a smile for him , like the vicar Mr . Bunting said she had for anyone ? I certainly didn 't give goggle - eyes any smiles for the rest of the time he stayed at the Coach and Horses . Which was a long time , indeed . He came in on the last day of February and stayed all through March and April . Everyone in the village had something to say about him , too , they did . Even the people who 'd never chanced to see him . Children made up songs and rhymes . They called him the Bogey Man , and sometimes you 'd see a whole pack of them running down a lane , and someone would pull them up and ask where they were all going in a hurry , and they 'd say , " John seen the Bogey Man walking this way ! We 're going to see him ! " And then they 'd be off again , singing their Bogey Man songs . Teddy Henfrey stopped coming to the Coach and Horses after a while . Said it made him feel too uncomfortable , being there , hearing old goggle - eyes thrashing about in his room , doing his experiments . Mr . Hall complained he was driving business away . But I thought it was really Teddy Henfrey doing the driving , cause he was the one going round the village telling people how he won 't go back to the Coach and Horses for a pint until that Bogey Man is gone . Mrs . Hall told Mr . Hall , " Bills settled punctual is bills settled punctual , whatever you 'd like to say about it . " She said maybe she 'd made a mistake , marrying a man who didn 't know the ways of an inn like her father had , and that they 'd wait till summer to do anything about it . Mr . Hall went off muttering something fierce , and for the rest of that day everyone stayed away from him . I can 't say goggle - eyes went out much in the two months he come to stay here . Mostly he worked in the parlour he 'd set up as a chemist 's shop , and spent his nights walking his bedroom floor . Even though Mrs . Hall spent time listening at his door , she couldn 't make heads or tails of anything she heard in there , but I never stopped to have a listen any longer . When it was time for sleep , I swept past his door fast as a mouse , and ran up the stairs to the attic , hoping he didn 't hear me . But everyone knew he was up in that room of his in the Coach and Horses , even if they didn 't see him but now and then , when he took walks round the village for fresh air , usually at twilight or late in the evenings . And so talk began to spread , wondering about what sort of work he did , or if he were a criminal all bandaged up like that to hide himself from the authorities . And when this kind of talk began to make its way back to the Coach and Horses , Mrs . Hall come right out to the center of the pub one night when we had a decent crowd , and called everyone 's attention to her . " I 've heard all your nonsense talk , " she said in a firm voice , " and I 'll say this once and once only . He is an ex - peer - i - ment - al in - vest - i - ga - tor , is what he is ! Now stop your tale telling . " " Yes , quite right , " said Mrs . Hall , turning back to her audience . " A scientist . " She seemed to think the folks at the pub would hear all that as an explanation , and go back to their business . Which I thought odd , since Mrs . Hall 's been living in Iping all her life , and surely she must know that everyone talking about anything different going on in the village is their exact business . " Here , Millie ! " Mr . Fearenside said that same night , after most everyone had left and I was cleaning up the tables . " What do you make of old goggle - eyes ? You have to live right here with him , after all . What 's your story ? " I looked up from the table I 'd been wiping down and met Mr . Fearenside 's eyes for a moment , then looked toward the staircase that led up to the Invisible Man 's room . He could be standing there , on that bottom step , for all I knew . He could be watching me , waiting to see me break my word with him . I 'd felt his eyes on me many a time over March and April , and I was worse than a cat all that time , jumping at no cause a time or two every day it might seem to anyone looking . I could feel him watching me , waiting for me to tell his secret . So when I turned back to Mr . Fearenside , I said , " I ain 't got no story , Mr . Fearenside . I don 't see nothing and nothing don 't see me . Simple as that . " I didn 't say anything to that . Just went back to wiping and taking up glasses . But for the rest of the night I kept thinking , How ? How could she say that ? She didn 't bring me up . It were my mother 's hands that molded me . And right then , as I thought that , I started to cry a little . Tried getting the tears out of my eyes fore anyone saw them , but it was no use . Mrs . Hall saw straightaway and said , " Now what , Millie ? I swear , always crying about something , you are ! " What happened next , everyone knows by now . It 's been months gone by since they found and killed him over in Port Burdock , and even now there 's always something about the other invisible folks he made that keep going round the countryside , terrifying innocent people and stealing . What happened was , Mr . Cuss , the village doctor , turned up at the Coach and Horses at the end of April . Had a professional interest in our guest , he said , since old goggle - eyes were all wrapped up in bandages . Said others were worried he was sick with something that might go round . But Mrs . Hall told Mr . Cuss he don 't have a reason to see her guest if her guest ain 't asked to be seen . Mr . Cuss went right on by her , though , into goggle - eyes ' room , where they must have had some kind of conversation , because he didn 't come out again for at least ten minutes . Whatever they talked about ended in a short cry of surprise from Mr . Cuss , and then we heard a chair flung to the side , and that sharp bark of a laugh that belonged to goggle - eyes . Then the quick patter of feet to the door where Mrs . Hall and I both stood listening with our ears turned . It opened , and there stood Mr . Cuss . His face was pale as whitewash , and he held his hat against his chest like he were going to give us bad news . He looked back and forth at us , but in the end he said nothing , not a whisper , just went past us and down the stairs as if the devil himself were on his heels , and then the pub door closed behind him . The Invisible Man laughed softly in the room beyond , and Mrs . Hall , without peering in , asked if she could get him anything . " No , " he said . His voice sounded black as the blacking I 'd put on the stove that morning . " There is nothing anyone can get me now , Mrs . Hall . It is over . " Mrs . Hall stood there for a minute , twisting her hands in her apron , waiting to see if he might say more . Maybe she hoped he 'd ask for something and make her useful , I can 't right say . But when she turned and saw me , she jumped back an inch , as if she 'd forgotten I 'd been at the door with her all that time . " Millie , " she said . " Kitchen . " Then she went down the hall to her own room , shut the door , and didn 't come out until the next day , when we heard that the vicar Mr . Bunting and his wife had been burgled . And on Whit Monday , no less . The story made it round town like the plague everyone feared old goggle - eyes might carry underneath those bandages of his . Before noon everyone knew the vicar and his wife had woken in the small hours of the morning by the sound of coins rattling downstairs . And when they went to check on the noise , found a candle lit . And the door unbolted . But no one there . They swore they watched the door of their house open and close on its own like it had a spirit in it . And then , when they checked their cash drawer , it was empty . That same afternoon , while I was making a soup in the kitchen , a great racket happened up in old goggle - eyes ' room . I heard Mrs . Hall screaming like her head must have come right off and started flying round the rooms on its own , and then it come down the steps and found me like that , making soup in the kitchen . I looked up , dropped my knife , and went up directly . I found Mr . Hall holding her up in the hallway . Old goggle - eyes ' door was closed up behind them . She slouched in Mr . Hall 's arms like she might faint at any time , so I got my arm under her other side and together Mr . Hall and I brought her down to the pub and I poured her a cup of rum to calm her . She and Mr . Hall took turns then , telling me what had happened . Seems they went up because old goggle - eyes ' door was open , but he weren 't in there , and his clothes were all laid out , and his bed cold , which meant he 'd been gone all morning , but without clothes , and all of his bandages left behind too . Mrs . Hall said he 'd put spirits into her furniture , cause didn 't her mother 's own chair lift up and chase her right out of the room ? I didn 't stop her to say it weren 't any spirits in that chair , but old goggle - eyes himself lifting it and chasing her out the door with it . How could I ? If the Halls knew I 'd known our guest had been invisible all this time and didn 't tell , I 'm not sure what would happen . They might take me out the door directly , and leave me to find my own way . So I kept my mouth shut and kept nodding as Mrs . Hall brought the story round to when I 'd come up the stairs after hearing her screaming . " Out , " she told Mr . Hall now , after she 'd finished the story . " Lock the doors on him ! I don 't want him here any longer ! All of those bottles and powders ! I knew there wasn 't something right with him . No one should have that many bottles ! " I held her hand while she sipped her drink , and didn 't say what came to my mind right then . Ain 't it her who defended him some weeks ago ? Ain 't it her who said he was an ex - peer - i - men - tal in - vest - i - ga - tor , like that were something above the rest of us ? I figure she 'd had a bad enough time already . When she finished her rum , I poured another to help her get along a little further . She asked me to go across the way to get Mr . Wadgers , the blacksmith , to come and have a look at that furniture . She admired Mr . Wadgers , she said . She said she wanted his opinion on the strange occurrences at the Coach and Horses . So I ran over and brought Mr . Wadgers back , telling him very little , as I didn 't want to put an idea into his mind before he had a chance to think for himself . " Thank you , Millie , " said Mrs . Hall when we returned . She sighed and began telling Mr . Wadgers about our morning , and I thought the madness had surely passed , that old goggle - eyes had had a good time of giving her a fright , and now he 'd go back to his experiments . But soon as Mrs . Hall 's sigh escaped her lips , wouldn 't you know , the door upstairs creaks open , and down the stairs he comes , dressed in his bandages and hat and coat and muffler , just like when he first appeared in the late February entrance to the Coach and Horses . " I didn 't see him come in , " said Mrs . Hall as he walked past , as though none of us were there for the seeing , and went to his chemistry parlour , where he shut the door . Mr . Hall got up and followed after Mr . Wadgers told him he should do so . He knocked at the door , opened it a sliver , and demanded an explanation for old goggle - eyes ' sudden appearance . But the only thing old goggle - eyes had to say was , " Go to the devil ! And shut that door behind you ! " It was later , after we 'd all gone back to our regular ways , that Mrs . Hall brought the thing to an end . It was her , I 'd say , that had the courage to do so . She gave me instructions not to feed old goggle - eyes a crumb , and to not heed his calls . Instead , we went about our business , and ignored him as he threw bottles into his fireplace and cursed the gods . I cringed whenever I heard him shouting in there , but Mrs . Hall said , " Be a rock , Millie , " and so I was still as the stone that marks my mother 's grave in the churchyard . At midday , though , he opened his door and demanded Mrs . Hall attend to him . His shouts filled up the Coach and Horses . Mrs . Hall hitched up her skirts and went right to him , her fright from the morning having passed her by , and said , " Is it your bill you 're wanting , sir ? " He told her he had the money he owed , but Mrs . Hall wasn 't backing down . She said , " Yes , but I wonder where you found it . The vicar and his wife been burgled this very morning , and yesterday you had none . " Then she began demanding he tell her what he 'd done to her chairs - had he put spirits in them ? And she demanded to know what he was on to in there with all those bottles and fluids . She demanded to know how his room was empty that morning and how he got in and out with none of us seeing . She demanded to know his name . " Who are you ? " she said . Mind you , I was in the kitchen when all this was happening . I could hear Mrs . Hall 's voice going up and up , though , and stopped washing the dishes for a moment to listen harder . And just as I took my hands out of the water , Mrs . Hall screamed . And the scream was something louder and more frightening than anything she 'd made when the chair flew at her earlier that morning . I had my hands in my apron , drying them off , when I come out the kitchen into the pub , and there , right in front of me , his back to me , was old goggle - eyes . But he 'd taken the bandages off his head , and his goggles and hat . He was a headless man standing there , and even though I 'd already been in a room with him when he was invisible , I couldn 't help but catch Mrs . Hall 's screams and join her in sending one up to our Lord in Heaven . It was a bad thing to do , though , it was . For it only called his attention . Old goggle - eyes turned round when he heard me , and though I couldn 't see his face , I knew he was going to kill me . He 'd blame me , I knew , for his discovery . Even if it were Mrs . Hall who 'd forced him to reveal himself . To reveal that there weren 't a self underneath all those bandages . I turned and ran back into the kitchen then , and he came after , calling , " Millie , Millie ! " But I kept on going . I took the stairs up to the next floor , and then the stairs up to my room in the attic . I locked the door , then opened my window , flung my head out and saw people running not only out of the pub beneath me , squealing and screaming , but also up and down the street people were abandoning the Whit Monday festivities to see what was happening down at the Coach and Horses . Gypsies and sweets sellers , the swing man , wenches and dandies - they all came running down to the inn , and soon I could hear their voices burbling up from below like the soup I 'd left on the stove . It was like how the vicar Mr . Bunting talked to us one Sunday about the tower of Babel , and all the many voices , and how no sense could be made of anything . I didn 't move from my seat on the ledge of my dormer window , only looked over my shoulder every now and then to see if my door were still closed . I had the key in the palm of my hand , sweaty and hot . And later , when Mrs . Hall come up to say through the door that all was fine again , that the Invisible Man were gone now , they 'd chased him off after a struggle , and won 't you come out Millie , I opened that hand and saw how I 'd held the key so tight it had cut into my skin and raised my blood . What did he want from me , I wonder sometimes , when he ran after me into the kitchen , calling my name out ? I was afraid then , and didn 't stop to ask . But when I look back now , I sometimes think I can see round that fear to hear his voice again . To understand that he weren 't angry at me , like I thought . He 'd sounded frightened as I was . The same way I sometimes come into a room and see a mouse , and both of us jump at the sight of each other . What did he want from me ? Someone told me that , after I ran away , the constable came and found him sitting at the kitchen table eating a crust of bread and some cheese . Was that all he 'd wanted ? Really ? Had he just been hungry ? I can 't right know the answer to that question . After that day , he only came back to Iping once more , with a tramp he forced to help him steal his books out of the room where he stayed here at the Coach and Horses . When he had those books again , they say he went on to other places and grew madder and madder , and stole more and more , and even involved himself in murder before a mob in Port Burdock hunted him down and killed him . It took a few weeks before the various stories told by various people in the various nearby ports and villages he terrorized were brought out and put together , so that a bigger story could be seen . And that was mostly cause of the writer , Mr . Wells , who came round after everything seemed to be over , drawing us all out to speak with him . Everyone , that is , except me . He was a curious man , Mr . Wells , with eyes that pierced through me in a way that made me feel too seen . So much so that , when it was my turn for an interview , I said , " I don 't have anything I can tell you , sir . I 'm sorry . " It was clear that the Invisible Man had given the same offer he 'd made me to others . Mrs . Hall read the news to me every morning in the months that followed his reign of terror . One day she said , " Look here , Millie ! Not two months after he 's been killed in Port Burdock and there are others like him taking on his filthy business . Thieving and firing houses ! What a world we live in ! If I had it my way , I 'd see them all out of the country ! " I met her eyes when she said that , instead of looking down at the floor like I used to when she scolded . I never say what I think aloud , of course , but there are words that eyes can say just as well as any mouth can . And what my eyes said that morning when they met hers was , " You was wrong about him all along , weren 't you ? " An experimental investigator , indeed . I think about the description of his death Mrs . Hall read from Mr . Wells ' report some months later , usually when I 'm alone and can use my time to imagine what happened after he was finished with us here at the Coach and Horses . She said that the people of Port Burdock welcomed him with fists and knees and boots when they finally cornered him . She said that they welcomed him with the flash of their teeth and a spade to the head , swung heavily . She said that , when he no longer moved and they began to back away , he started to appear within the circle they 'd made round him . First , an old woman saw a hand . Just the nerves and veins and arteries and bones could be seen beneath the invisible flesh . But then there were his feet as well . And then , slowly , his skin began to appear , moving inward from his toes and fingers toward the center of his body , like waves returning to the sea . He was all bashed up and bloody . His skin was white , his eyes red like a rabbit 's . Nearly an albino , he 'd been . Mrs . Hall says he 'd been a working boy who grew up and went to university somehow . Said his teachers ignored him . Said he stole from his own father to pay for his experiments , and that his father killed himself when he found the money gone , for he needed it to pay a debt . Sundays , when I go round to Ma 's grave after church , I think on the scene when they killed him , and wonder if the other people he injected with the serum he offered me were there when it happened , watching , invisible , protected if they did not speak and make themselves known . Did his anger at the world that didn 't see him get into them as well ? Surely it must have , as they 've continued his terrible ways after his passing . That is what he leaves behind . Now , no one will forget him . And then I wonder about his offer . A moment in history . Sometimes , when I 'm looking at my mother 's stone , tracing the letters of her name into the dirt that covers it , I wonder if I should have taken him up on it . For what good is life without the howls of anger in a world that thinks so highly of itself , even when there is great wrongness in it ? To be seen , to be known . It seems , when I look out at the faces of the people in the village , that 's what most want . But we live in a world where not everyone can possibly be seen . We put too much on seeing to know one another , and the eye is a friend who often lies . At least this is something I 've noticed in my time pouring drinks and making beds at the Coach and Horses . It might be better , I sometimes think , if we were all blind . Proof of my time here . That is my desire . But there 's little most can do to have this . The choices for our memorials are few , like Ma 's unmarked stone here . I trace her name again , and again . We must take what we are given , then , like the vicar Mr . Bunting is always reminding us , and be happy . We must be happy , I think , with our anger , with our outraged mobs , with our eagerness to tear at the world that binds us . We must be content with what we have . I 'm getting married outdoors tomorrow and the only hour w / a chance of rain ( 40 % ) is ours . If it rains , I 'm calling it a kitsune wedding . 10 hours ago Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
" Most of the folks around here are transplants from the city or what have you , but I 've lived on my ranch all my life . It was my daddy 's before me . I used to roam all over this area ; camping , exploring on horseback , and I knew every person , dog , cat , bear , wolf , bear , and nook and cranny within 50 miles personally ; and they knew me . " " I was fourteen at the time . Their property ran smack dab into my daddy 's . Arnie had five hundred acres or so and he just farmed ; mostly alfalfa hay and barley or wheat . He was over six feet tall and really skinny . He always wore overalls and a baseball cap . He could toss an 80 lb hay bale six feet up onto a stack of bales . He had musta been twelve different kinds of pitchforks , and he almost always carried one . " " Maude gardened and they had a small apple orchard … she made the best apple pie I ever had . I used to always stop by and she 'd cut me a nice wedge . I would chop wood or do other menial tasks for a hunk of that pie . She would always sing this song … " he paused and looked at me " do you remember that old song ' Charmin ' Billy ? " They didn 't have any kids , and they always treated me like family . Arnie had this huge double barrel 10 gauge shotgun " he held out his hands " it must have been this long . He said he had killed bear with it , and he did have a huge grizzly bear rug by his fireplace . I had not a reason to doubt him , so I took his word for it . " " Anyway , that winter , I think it was ' 60 or ' 61 we had a bad blizzard in January . The temps were in the negative twenties , and I don 't think I ever saw it snow that much since . My daddy lost lots of cattle and horses because of the storm . There was little warning , and it blew in quick like . Earlier that afternoon , before the storm hit and I 'm only telling you because I think it 's important even though it didn 't at the time , we had a visitor ; a stranger stopped by the house . He was a tinker , as my daddy called the type ; a traveling peddler . He had pots , pans , some guns , clothes , hats , gloves , some tools , knives , some ammo , trinkets , bobbles , and the like . Chances are , he had what you wanted . " " According to my ma … well lemme back up a little . I was at Arnie 's that afternoon , and my ma had told me about the peddler after I got home . I only saw the truck as I was coming home from Arnie 's . " He stopped and took a long drink from his whiskey and continued " I was maybe five miles from home when my horse spooked . I couldn 't see why but she just started moving off the road and snorting . She tried to buck me off , and then I saw the truck coming . I was on the right side of the road , and the truck was tootling down the road slow and easy , but what I saw driving , wasn 't what my ma told me later ; I saw an old lady driving that truck with a young girl in the front seat beside her ; the old lady looked right at me , and I 'll tell you something , the look she gave me scared the pee out of me , and every time I think about it , I get chills and the hairs on my neck stand up . She looked like Death herself . Her eyes were black and she had white long stringy hair , and her skin was also white pulled tight across her face like … " " My horse reared up a couple of times , and then she took off towards home . I looked back at the truck and I swear by all that 's holy , it was gone . Now I 'm telling you Val , there 's no way in hell that any vehicle , short of a full race Merc , could have gone that fast to get to the next hill and end up out of site … no way . I let the horse have her way , and she galloped fully extended all the way home . That horse never ran that fast before then , or after that day . " " The blizzard hit a couple hours later , and the peddler was forgotten . The storm lasted for days . It was all we could do to keep a path between the house , barn , and stables clear for all the snow . " " The barnyard looked normal . No snow had been shovelled , there wasn 't very much as I recall , and there were no footprints that I noticed anywhere . That was odd and I got the chills again as I went up the steps to the side porch where the kitchen was and knocked . " " I called out Maude 's name , but no answer . I looked all through the house ; upstairs bedrooms and basement . Nothing . All the beds were made . The place was clean , no mess anywhere . " " Their phone was not working , so I high - tailed it home and told ma and daddy . They called the sheriff and there was a blaze of cars up and back for hours . It turned out that they found two bodies in the barn ashes ; a man 's and a woman 's . " " No shit " BJ said as he drained his glass . " I have not been back there since that day … over fifty years . I still can 't forget it . " " I mean that you 're the key to the whole mystery " Val said " the peddler that changed into the old lady ? the disappearance of the pickup ? the younger girl and the old lady ? where 'd they go ? There 's no coincidence with the symbol of the apple pie . They 're trying to send you a message . " " The county took possession of it . No one wanted to buy it . There never was a will . Supposedly someone looked into buying it , spent the night , and ran screaming out of the house in the middle of the night , and went back to the big city . They wouldn 't come back no way , no how . " " We need to seriously consider it " Val pressed . " With that kind of legend , there are those who could take advantage of it and use that homestead for a hideout . Think about it . . what better place to have a secret hideout if you know that no one will go near it ? " He explained further " Rusty is a damn good horse . He don 't get spooked . Hell , he even likes to stomp on rattlers , and he ain 't afraid of nothin ' . That afternoon though he was all jumpy , like he was walking through a field of snakes or hain ' ts or somethin ' . He snorted and whinnied and could hardly go in a straight line by the fence . He kept wantin ' to come back home . " " I believe what I see , feel , and hear . If the spirit world manifests itself to me , then I 'll have no choice but to believe it . If the spirits of Arnie and Maude are still there , then maybe we can help them find their final rest . " Val started " Look BJ , Arnie and Maude treated you like their own … in their own way . You were the closest thing to family they had . There is absolutely no reason you have to be afraid of their spirits . They 're not gonna hurt you . " " What if … the bodies they found were not Arnie and Maude ? They didn 't have DNA tests in those days … all they had was burned corpses and the law assumed the two bodies were them . What if the female was the old lady from the truck ? That would mean that Maude is buried somewhere else on the property … definitely foul play involved . " " You would know where an out of the way place could hide a pickup all these years . Your family owned most of the land around here then . Who says that you continued your explorations after this incident ? " " I see Arnie with his pitchfork frequently ; in the barn , in the field , walking across the barnyard . Sometimes they are together talking , mostly by themselves . Sometimes they talk to me . " BJ 's wife , Eunice spoke up " I 'd never say nothing to anyone BJ , but I 've heard you snore near every night now for forty years … I also hear you havin ' your bad dreams … lawdy lawdy you have some doozies . Many times , you sit straight up and are yelling ' NO ! NO ! Darn near scare me to death . " She patted his hand " look this thing head on , love and settle it once and for all . What Val says makes sense and I know you know he 's right . " She kissed his forehead and sat back down . " OK my friend . If you 're going along , I 'll do it . " He took a good swig of the fine bourbon . " When do we go ? " He continued " there is a certain strategy involved here too . We don 't want to be seen by anyone other than whomever is inhabiting the old Stevens place . If what I think is happening , they will follow us … for a while . " He drove much slower than when he was heading towards the intersection , Val noticed . At least he came . Although a bit hesitant … can 't blame him for that . " You talk to them . They 're your friends . Call them by name , and tell them who you are … more than once and explain that we … we 're here to help them . " He paused , then continued " You must speak as if they are standing in front of you . I know it sounds very strange , but that is my plan . " It was a large Victorian style house . Two story with the porch that went all the way around the house . Very run down and badly in need of a paint job , it was gray against the fallen snow . They both strained to see inside the house . Val got out and walked around the front of the truck , and looked over the fence . He thought he saw footprints that had been filled with snow on the driveway , but dismissed it as ' it coulda been anything . ' There it was . A small wood frame farmhouse . A group of leafless trees was next to the house , and its lack of being kept up was very apparent . BJ and Val just stood looking around the barnyard . There was another structure across the yard from the house . Val figured it was a workshop of some type . He was thinking a wood shop when he heard it … When they reached the landing atop the six steps , BJ reached for the handle on the screen door . The screen was long ago collapsed , and the door was almost off its hinges . There was a fresh break at the door jamb . Someone has been in here recently thought Val . It was very dirty . The kitchen table was in the middle of the floor with two chairs . There were footprints and marks on the floor where the chair had been moved recently . " Well , we wondered who the hell was out driving around this afternoon " said the man . It was Anson . He had a very large caliber revolver pointed at BJ and Val . The woman was Juliette , who came in behind Anson . All of a sudden , a cold chill went through the room . It was almost a breeze , but not quite . It grew from behind Anson and Juliette , and spread to Val and BJ in an instant . Juliette was quick to start talking " my mother killed herself not long ago . She gave me that locket a few years ago , telling me that it had belonged to her mother . My mother was kind of strange … she spent some time in mental institutions throughout her life . She said she wasn 't crazy enough to stay in the hospital , she just needed some ' tweaking ' as she put it . " " That 's it ! " Val exclaimed . " It was her grandma that you saw in the pickup and the girl was Juliette 's mother . " He stopped and looked at BJ , and continued . " She came to Arnie and Maude 's and for whatever reason , tried to kill Arnie and probably succeeded killing Maude . Grandma took Maude 's locket and gave it to Juliette 's mother . Grandma tried to kill Arnie or something like that out in the barn , and he set fire to the place killing the both of them . " Val looked at BJ " do you see ? It 's a perfect plan . Skip is tight with your son , and gathers info that he passes to Juliette and Anson . There 's probably a fancy radio in the Stevens place that they use to pass along the info to their boss . " " So , you three tell the Captain what we hardworking folks are doing . Give them info on numbers , weapons , food , and supplies . Then the Captain and his army move in and take over . " Val looked at BJ with his hands on his hips " great . As I suspected . They have been pumping info the them all along . No telling how much information they have on all of us in … " They saw nothing out of the ordinary . A workbench , an old ringer washing machine with a big table next to it , an old balloon tire bicycle , bunch of crates , a nice sewing machine station , a disconnected woodstove , windows just above eye level every fifteen feet or so all the way around , and a large chest deep freeze . Val was hoping they wouldn 't have to look inside the freezer . He kept his hand and and BJ obliged him by handing the requested tool . " What 'd you find ? " BJ asked anxiously as Val poked around on the side of the protruding wooden planked wall . He opened it and began reading . After a minute he spoke " it 's their will . They left everything to me … " his voice faded off as he folded the document back up . " I gotta get this to the Sheriff … " he managed to chuckle a little " the county is probably going to want fifty years of back taxes . " " Maybe , but there 's not enough time today . We 'll need to come back tomorrow with some hands and take care of this " Val agreed . " We 'll also need to check out the Stevens place and deal with Skip . " " Give him means of transportation , some food and water then send him away … either that or execute him " Val replied dryly . " He can never be trusted again . We 'll need to bring him here to deal with his mother too … not looking forward to that either . " " We 're very sorry , Skip " BJ said . " Your mother and Anson surprised us last night … " He went on to describe what had happened . Skip interrupted to try to make a case for himself " I knew it was wrong , and we were aiding bad guys to hurt good people " he started . " Yeah , there is a radio that we used to call the Captain every Monday with any useful information . The Captain would send a small group out from time to time and leave supplies for Mom and Anson . " " As far as I know , Mom would request it . There 's not a schedule . " He sniffed " she 's all the family I have . " The inside had been kept up well . The kitchen was well stocked . Skip showed them around the house . It had several bedrooms , all that had linens ready for guests . Val gestured around at the supplies " you don 't need supplies . You never did . " He shook his head " if it was totally up to me , and it 's not , I 'd just put a bullet in your brain . No more worries about whether or not you leaked any more intel after that . " Skip spoke " I was told to do the things I did , or they would hurt my mom . " He now had tears in his eyes . " What are your options ? " he whispered . " One : shoot you now and end any and all suspicion . Two : give you some food , water , and a horse and set you loose , so you can maybe come back and kill us some other day Three : Keep you with us as a prisoner … a weak option to be sure . We don 't need a mouth to feed that doesn 't pull his weight . " BJ interrupted Val " all right ! all right ! Stop it you two ! " He turned to Val . " Let 's just give him the horse and let him go . He 's my responsibility … " Val 's turn to interrupt " he 's his own responsibility . He 's a grown man " he said quietly . " You deal with him . " Into the house they went to have some lunch . They were halfway through when they heard a horn honk . Val peeked out and it was BJ at the gate . " I 'll go " he said as Charlie and Kyle were starting to get up . BJ contemplated that and said " I get that , Val and I do understand the risk . I know that kid . He 's not a bad person . " BJ nodded still chewing a bite , then swallowing it . " There is no other explanation young lady … and even that is not an explanation that holds favor in the eyes of science . " He took another bite , and sipped a little bourbon with it this time . Val changed the subject entirely " well now we have two more homes in which we could house people . You got forty hands or so . Why not put them at Arnie 's or the Stevens place ? " He continued " I hear what you 're saying though … ' bout keeping them occupied . The Stevens house … might not be as much a problem given what we found there . It would be a great HQ for reloading ammunition . There were two first class reloaders , lots of powder , primers , bullets , and brass . After you left , we found half a dozen M1 Garands in a closet . They were in pretty good shape too . Cases of clips . " " I 'll do that " BJ said , pouring another glass of the fine bourbon . " Starting tomorrow , I 'll start a rotation . You send a couple of your people too to learn how to reload and pick up one of them rifles . " " I 'll tell you somethin ' else Val " BJ started " I like how your mind works . You got that conspiracy thing figured out a long time ago . And you latched right on to that ghost thing and pursued it further than anyone else , then solved it . " He held up his glass at Val " nicely done . " Val had a long nap after they left , and slept off the bourbon . He slept until the next morning . The first restful sleep he had in a while . The days and weeks went by . January passed and turned into February . The harshness of winter seemed to ebb . The overnights at zero were gone now . The days began to get a little longer , and a little warmer . True to his word , BJ gave one of the M1 Garands to Val and company . Val showed Ginger how to disassemble and fire the rifle . Given her expertise , she caught on quite well and became proficient . They had thousands of rounds of ammo , and had loaded a couple hundred of the eight round clips . BJ let Skip go with a few days supply of food and water . He took his own horse , and headed down the road . The same direction the bikers had come from late last year . The sheriff came by to get Val 's side of the Haunted Farm story . He shuddered during the oration , and made several comments to Val 's ' sticking it out ' to get the truth . The sheriff was grateful that the mystery was solved . He was given the will of Arnie and Maude and saw to it that the county made a copy . BJ offered the used of his tractor , disk , and plow to prepare the soil , and even people to run the equipment and help planting and weeding . Val could not turn that down , and waited for May for the soil to thaw … if not earlier . He figured he had enough corn seed to plant several thousand corn plants . BJ and Val also discussed planting alfalfa . " That 's the best stuff for feeding the cattle and horses " BJ would say . He again offered the use of his seed drill and tractor to plant the alfalfa . " If we 're lucky … and we are , we can get three cuttings from the alfalfa in one season , providing the rain is substantial " BJ would say . They also entertained the idea of raising wheat . Val had several buckets of white and red wheat , but knew nothing about growing or processing it . They knew that their bags of flour would only last so long . Val decided to keep his own people home . During the day , everybody except one would work the gardens and chores . The one would either sit in the lookout , or walk ( or ride ) the roads . Punch a hole , drop in a kernel , bury it , move to the next was their plan . It took a couple of days , but with a dozen or so people , it wasn 't that hard . Ginger was good about bringing sandwiches and drink for all . It wasn 't like people were on a clock and all were allowed to come and go as they pleased . The rest of the gardens went in one at a time . The put 12 foot fences around the gardens and they got a game fence around the corn field too . That was a lot of work . Val had seen deer jump twelve foot fences back in Texas so he added two more feet on the corn field fence . The garden fences he worried less as there is not enough room for running start . Val and Ginger stood one evening in late May looking at the corn field . They said nothing and just looked at the freshly planted field . Val saw movement out of the corner of his eye and saw Kyle waving from the big gate . He continued " by then , Kyle and Charlie will be onsite , and those guys will be caught in a crossfire . We have to take the hill and maintain control . We can see a long way from there . " Behind him , the road was not visible due to the dust from his high speed run . Now , the gravel road would announce their upcoming arrival . He cared not , and kicked it up to 70 . " Everyone pick your target and don 't miss " Val said as he cocked his Rossi . He moved to the left edge of the group . Ginger stayed in the middle and layed out several clips for her 30 - 06 . Randie next with a Mini - 14 , and Christopher with another 30 - 30 . There were 6 or 8 bikers on top shooting towards the house and Val 's gang opened fire . The gang on the hill never knew what hit them . All of them dropped without even seeing who shot them . He pulled out his Mini - 30 and ran up the hill to be met by two bikers cresting the top . He flicked off the safety , and fired two rounds into each rider . They went right down . He waved the rest of them up and he stood at the top of the hill firing at others who were attempting to come up the hill . The road below was a mess of fallen motorcycles and dead riders . So many , that getting past the Harleys was difficult , if not impossible . The ditches were too deep for anything but a dirt bike to get past . He went below and around his group to the ditch , jumped across , and went into the field behind the trees that lined the road . He worked his way firing and moving from tree to tree , trying to move towards Kyle and Charlie . He fired from a high position , then low , then to the next tree . " You guys OK ? " he yelled at them . They had good cover behind a small hill in front of a larger hill . It was long enough to let them move around side to side . He crawled past the bunker where the boys were , and past the end of BJ 's house across the street . He kept on . He counted 100 elbow crawls when he poised at the top of the ditch . There was a group of six soldiers at thirty feet in front of him . He fired and took them all out . He fired half his magazine . He dropped back down to the bottom and checked his mags . Still had four more with thirty rounds each . His . 45 untouched , he had four mags of 13 for that plus one in the pistol . He moved forward again 30 crawls ; he stopped and listened and heard no more gunfire . He rose up , planted himself at the top of the ditch to see a few scattered soldiers carrying some limping wounded . He took aim , then backed off his shot . He was out of breath when he reached Charlie who scolded him " what the hell were you doing Dad ? You coulda been killed ! What were you thinking ? " He got right in Val 's face . Val turned to BJ and said " this ain 't workin ' pal . You cannot defend your house from your house . You must expand your perimeter and start defending it from there , instead of them being able to ride up to within 20 feet of your front door . " " Expand your front to the bridge . Everyone coming down that road has to cross it or the creek , and that depends on how much water is in it . Get a bunch of your strong hands and build some three sided bunkers here and there along the front line . Use pines from the woods … like a log cabin with three sides and maybe partial roof … dunno . Are you sure you don 't have any ex military folks here ? They can help with strategies . Meanwhile , get some volunteers and pull guns and ammo from the bodies and drive the bikes to the other side of the bridge and burn everything . " He looked at Val " what you did was stupid today , and you were lucky . We need that kind of aggressive action to knock down these insurgents . I shoulda paid attention to my dream … " he stopped and had a foolish look on his face . The hands jumped into action . The boys went after pulling guns from the dead . Turns out there were thirty - two enemy dead . They left none alive . " That 's an AK - 47 . One of the best weapon ever made . " Val took it , flicked off the safety , yelled " fire in the hole ! " and pulled the trigger . It fired several rounds . Val glared back " I was spared by luck . The bad guys lost thirty times what we did ; all their guns , ammo , and bikes too . These guys that died today were just bait . The leaders of the others are testing our defences , and these men were sacrificed for recon . " Charlie and Christopher ran up carrying some more AKs . " Look Dad , they 're all the same ! " He showed Val the other rifles . There were thirty thirty round magazines , and all the guns were full auto . Val walked back over to BJ , holding out the gun " these guns are not standard issue . These weapons came from an arms dealer . These guys could be professional mercenaries . " When Val finished throwing up , the boys were watching him as he spat on the ground . " If killing doesn 't bother us , then we 're no better than them " he said as he wiped his mouth . " You kill a man , and you take away all he has , and all he 's ever gonna have . " He looked at the three boys , and could tell they were whipped ; physically and emotionally . Their faces were dirty and blank . They stared at nothing they could see . Val walked to him , put his arm around him and said " you guys go on and see if you can get some sleep . It 'll be a while before supper is ready . Get some rest , and you can eat later . I 'll do the first watch tonight . " " All the kids went to bed " she almost whispered as he sat down . She held out her hand , and Val took it softly . " I thought it would be different " she said looking at him but not seeing him . " The kids are wigged out about it " she seemed to ramble . There was a half moon out , so it wasn 't completely dark . The land was free and clear straight south with the woods bordering the open area on the east and west . The road cut down the center of the clearing . The only notable landmark was the big oak tree along side the road about half mile south of the big gate . That was where Val focused his attention . " K . We all ate and we 're ready to walk some perimeter " Charlie went on " we had a good nap too . Where do you want us to start ? " Val looked at his watch ; midnight . " I want you with your brother , and Kyle with Randie . Alternate between walking the barnyard , to the big gate , and down the fenceline . Somebody come in a wake me after four hours . " Val stood up , and headed back to the house . He was greeted by the kids . Their disposition was 100 % improved from earlier . He vowed to remember how a nap can change one 's demeanour . " Don 't shoot any bears unless they 're coming after you " Val said . " See you later " he paused and added " this ain 't no drill . Keep your eyes open " he dug into his pocket and dug out a handfull of Jolly Ranchers , giving them each a few . The bear was standing on its hind legs , swinging at Charlie who was out of reach . He was white with fright and could barely back up . His sidearm was holstered . He wasn 't holding his rifle . He set the barrel of the big 45 - 70 on the gate railing and aimed at the side of the beast . It was a 50 yard shot . He aimed carefully and squeezed the trigger . The bear came down on all fours but still moved toward Charlie . ' You three stood here and did nothing while that bear moved on your brother ? " he pointed at the animal . The three of you could have walked through the gate and taken it on an killed it easily . " He started to yell " you have more than enough bullets here to kill a bear that size ! " They all jumped and followed Val to the house while Val continued to rant " sure the semi - autos are fine for multiple shots at people , but the long gun is going to be our friend when the attackers are still far away . The larger caliber hits harder , goes faster and farther than the semi - autos . This gives us a little advantage since " he stopped and glared at all of the kids " since all of you are good shots . Make use of your talents . " BJ added " that bear was female . More than likely , she has a couple of cubs running around here somewhere . Be on the lookout because they 're probably too young to feed themselves . " Kyle took the mini - 30 , and Val took the Rossi . Each carried a Glock 21 for their sidearm with several mags each . Kyle had 6 mags for the rifle . Val carried a bandolier with about thirty rounds of 30 - 30 ammo . Val and Kyle crawled up the hill and spied on the intersection . They could barely see the Steven 's place down the road past the intersection . Not a speck of dust was stirring , nor were there sign of activity on the road that came up from BJ 's on the right , then turned towards the Steven 's place . " That 's a car door opening and closing " Val said quietly as he looked through the glasses . " Still can 't see though what it is . You look , your eyes are better than mine " he passed the glasses back . Val sensed Kyle 's hesitation and explained " look , we have to find out what they 're up to . It could even be BJ 's men . If not , we need to come up with something quick to stop them . If something goes wrong , we 'll high tail it into the woods . If they follow us , we 'll have the advantage … cover . They 'll be in the open . " " When we get close enough , you go to the tree and you cover me . Get a clear view of them . I just might go up and have a conversation . They won 't expecting anyone to show up , much less a sniper . OK ? " Val decided worked his way a little closer until he could clearly see the three men . They were hauling ammo cans of the 30 - 06 . He didn 't recognize the car as being of BJ 's nor did he recognize any of them . They were all wearing camos , and they all had sidearms . Val stopped in his tracks , turned , and looked at her " I haven 't thought about that . These guys probably just ran across the empty house and started looting . Who knows where else they had been before the Steven 's farm ? " Val already had the car started when the last can was unloaded , and Kyle jumped in . They raced to the big gate only to realize that Charlie hadn 't gotten there yet . Kyle got out and opened the gate as Charlie arrived . They reached the Steven 's farm and nothing had changed . They loaded a body into the front two in the back and were putting one in the trunk when they discovered a bunch of ladies clothes strewn about in the trunk . Some short pieces of rope around fifteen inches were also back there . Val went up the steps into the house . The kitchen was in disarray . Trash on the floor , empty cans of food , pop cans , beer cans , paper cups strewn all over . He walked on towards the bedroom and called again " hello ? I 'm Val and I 'm here to help you . Don 't be afraid . The men who hurt you are dead . We have to leave here now . C ' mon ! I don 't have time to search for you . " The next bedroom door was closed . " This is Val . I 'm going to open the door and you and I will leave . We have transportation outside that my son and I will take you to our home . You 'll be safe there . You are not safe here . The rest of those bad guys will be back soon , and we don 't want to be here when they arrive . I 'm coming in . " She stood up and wrapped her arms around Val tightly . She was maybe five foot three , dirty blonde hair , pretty face , small features , thin build , wearing next to nothing . Her clothes were rags . She could not have been more than sixteen or seventeen . " Are those your clothes in the back of the car ? " Val asked as he went down the steps outside . " Do you want any of them before I torch it ? " Kyle stopped in front of them . Val helped Lisa into the front and he got in the back " Don 't you want to drive ? " Kyle asked . " No , I need to be here to watch our six " Val said as he put away Lisa 's clothes . " Kyle , meet Lisa . Lisa , youngest son Kyle . " Lisa looked at Val who said " It 's OK . She 'll take care of you , and get you fed . You 're safe now " he smiled at her . " That poor young woman has been abused in more ways then we could possible imagine . She is very strong to be on an even keel after what she has gone through . Ginger is going to get her a bath and find out how badly she 's hurt . You all just keep your distance from her for a while . Be nice , but don 't rush up to talk or shake hands or whatever . Give her a chance to get used to being around us . . OK ? " " No , just doing some thinking out loud " Val replied " the bullets that the AK and the mini - 30 use are the same , but the mags are different . Whichever of you boys wants to use the AK , you 'll have to keep all the mags close by . Full auto can really go through rounds but know this ; if ' n you 're emptying mags from a full auto AK at a bad guy , chances are he 's not going to be poking his head up . " Ginger had tears in her eyes , but she was in control . " Emotionally , she seems OK " she began " those animals abused her in ways I won 't describe . She has many cigarette burns all over her body … all over " she emphasized " her being raped was nothing compared to her other wounds . " " No , most of them are fresh … maybe a couple days or so . The human body is very good at taking care of itself . Physically , she 'll be fine . She seems attached to you for some reason . " " Rescuer … victim " Val said " classic . OK , then we 'll have to deal with her needs as they arise . We 'll just treat her as one of us . She 'll be expected to do chores , learn to shoot like us . " Well we 're about full in here , and there 's seven of us and only one bathroom . The bunkhouse is perfectly safe and rodent free … " he stopped because he know it would be a difficult decision to ask a couple to move out as no one would volunteer to do so . " We 'll discuss it later if it becomes necessary " he said , ending the subject for the time being . " Good . Ginger will make sure you are fed if you 're hungry . The rest of you get some sleep . We may need to go on an adventure very soon . Keep your gear packed and ready . " Val almost wished he had said nothing . He sighed " this business with that militia group is not over and we have escalated it today . They are going to wonder what happened to their guys … and the car . We will likely have to take the fight to them . " We should take as many of BJ 's people as possible , even at risk of leaving his place unattended . What he also did not know was how many vehicles the militia had , but he had an idea of where to ambush them . I gotta talk to Lisa , then BJ before I can set this in stone . Val nodded slowly . " I hate the risk of it , but if we leave it alone , they will come looking and they will have the advantage of surprise . This way , we can surprise them , and if we 're lucky , wipe them out and make the whole area safe again . " " I need to talk to Lisa then BJ before I plan any further " he explained . " I 'll need to talk to her when she gets up tomorrow , and then make a run to BJ 's . We may have to implement this thing quickly … or at least be ready for them . " " I need to know what she can tell me about them . Obviously , she has been with them a little while . If those guys are in Blackthorn , then they have probably taken over the town and doing God knows what to those people . She may have just enough info for me to make a decision about whether or not we can pull this off . Numbers are the most important thing that I need . At least I hope she can get me an idea . " He went to the kitchen and fired up the stove . He prepared coffee and hot water for tea . He started the skillet for toast , and went downstairs to get eggs . " Lisa " Val began " I need something from you … information . Everything you can tell me about the bad guys . I need to know approximate numbers , kinds of trucks or cars and numbers of those … whatever you can tell me . " Val sat down next to her " after we killed those four men yesterday , the rest of the gang will come looking for them . These were four heavily armed mercenaries who were assumed to be able to more than take care of themselves . The powers that be will figure that something big took them out , and they will probably come looking . We need to know what we 're up against because we 're going to have to ambush them . I need your help with whatever you can tell me sweetheart " he patted her hand . Lisa sniffed " it all started late last year … just before it started snowing . A bunch of men with guns came into town . There was one big truck that carried a lot of soldiers ; like an Army truck . The rest were mostly pickups but a few cars . I don 't know how many cars … they filled up both sides of the street downtown and then some . Most of the cars had three or four men in them . There were a few women with them . " She continued " at first we just thought they were passing through then they started walking the streets with their guns . There 's only one hotel in town and it couldn 't begin to hold all of them , so they started invading people 's homes and doing what they wanted . They started shooting men who protested , and then they were just taking women and doing whatever they wanted … even children . " She stopped and sobbed . When Lisa regained her composure , she went on " we only had like two cops in town , and I never saw them after the soldiers arrived . It didn 't take long before the soldiers ran the town . They made whoever they wanted do whatever they wanted . They came to our house and they took turns with my mother and me … they took my brother away . I haven 't seen him since . My mother and I had talked about what would happen before , and we agreed not to resist . They did that to every house in town . They took all the guns … oh yeah a few of the guys got together and fought some , but there were too many soldiers . A few of the soldiers were killed at first , but they ended killing all the rebels ; as they called them . " Lisa continued " we had no choice so we just did whatever they wanted . Winter came , and they just stayed . A couple weeks ago , a few of the guys who used to … come to our house wanted to " go exploring " they called it . They needed permission from some guy they called " Captain " before they could go . When they got permission , they got a car , took me , and we all left heading north . We stopped at all farmhouses on the way up . They made me go up and beg for food , and find out how many people were there , guns , food store , all information I could get . Then , they would attack the place at night ; kill everyone and stay until they either got bored or ran out of food . Then we 'd go on to the next one and do it again . " She stopped and gulped down some eggs , and chugged some tea . She went on " then we went to that haunted place " she shuddered " that was really very strange . I was more scared of the ghosts than I was of them . The ghosts didn 't show themselves to the men at first . A couple of them had gone to the other house , came back and said there was a huge stash of food , guns , a big radio , and ammo there but no one home and needed help to load up the stuff . They were real excited about the radio about how ' the Captain ' would like it . They planned to go the next morning . That night , the ghost of the old man appeared while the guys were drinking in the other room . I heard them panic and yelling about ' ghost ! what the hell ! ' they were really scared . Then , the old woman appeared in my room while the last guy was . . on top of me , and she said " don 't worry child . Help is on the way . " The guy was so scared that he got off me and just peed right there on the floor ; he was so scared . He left the room , I crawled under the bed , and stayed there until you came the next day . " " Yep , we all need to go because we 're all going to be a part of the ambush . You can leave the dishes for later " he added . " We need to go now . " Lisa got in next to Val , and Ginger rode shotgun . The rest got into the back ; Charlie and Kyle sat next to windows with their rifles . The rest of the gear was in the box in the back . BJ stopped pacing and looked at Val " yeah , there 's a huge oak tree just north of the ravine ; I mean it 's like 150 years old . We cut it down to block the road , and put a firewall at the ass end of their parade , they 'll have no escape . We put oil and gasoline on the east side of the road , and they 'll no where to go except the west side and we 'll nail ' em there . " " No , that 's true " BJ said " we 'll need like a five gallon can of gas and oil to explode and burn … that 's going to be dangerous for whomever has to ignite it … they will need to get to safe distance very quickly . There is also a question of how long the caravan is . We 're not gonna know that … " " I need you to get another rider and scope out the highway … UNDETECTED . I need you to look for a caravan of vehicles heading north . I need to know how many vehicles there are , and I need to know yesterday . " " I need you to get every able bodied man together with guns and ammo . We 'll need vehicles to haul them . We 'll need to bring several 5 gallon jerry cans mixed with about 1 gallon of oil to 4 gallons of gas . We 'll need a dozen hand grenades too . See to it and get whatever help you need . And get those two guys that cut down our trees . I have a job for them . " " OK . Grab your gear , your guns , take some food and water and take care of that , and stay out of sight when you 're done . I want it to be so that a hand grenade detonated in the crack will make it fall . " " I think you should set up in the field to the east and shoot from there " Val said glancing over at her . " Lisa , you go with Ginger and spot for her . You 'll be safe enough . " " It 's gonna depend on what kinda gun you 're shooting " Val said matter of factly . If you carry a long gun , like the 30 - 30 , you 'll need to be back a little from the guys on the front line . The guys on the front line will use the semi - auto weapons ; AKs and pistols . Take every magazine you can with you if you choose the semi - autos . " " A lot of people are going to die today " Val started " we can stop these animals right now if we give them the same shit they have been dishing out to innocent folks . The only way is to get in their face and let them have it hard . There 's going to be more of them than us . We 'll only win if all of us kill at least two of them . " Val stopped the truck at the intersection looking at all of them . " No one has to go if they don 't want to . No one will ever call you a coward for not going . Yeah , it 's going to be dangerous … we have a huge advantage : the element of surprise . I would rather do this than sit in my living room window and defend my house from the inside . " It looked like BJ had brought everyone , although he did not see Eunice . It was fairly orderly as BJ was in total command of his men . He was glad to see the sheriff as were many others . " Val , I want you to use your 30 - 30 and hide behind the big tree . That tree is going to fall at an angle back towards the ravine . You 'll have plenty of cover . Give your AK to someone else . You pick off anyone hiding on that side of the trucks . My man Jensen can use your AK . He 's quite proficient . " " Sheriff , if you don 't mind , I 'd like you to work with Val on the front of the line . That oak tree is huge and its branches will be full and very brushy . You 'll have about 100 feet to run back and forth along it and pick your targets . " " The rest will be in the ditch covered with dead grass and hay . We are told there are twenty vehicles , with a troop carrier in the lead . The rest are pickups and should be easy prey . Our plan is to have Jimmy , toss a grenade into the last vehicle , disabling it , and possibly disabling the next to last vehicle as well . Grenades into the pickups will certainly kill all in the bed . Anyone jumping out the back will be on fire , jumping out the front will be shot . Got it ? " They had place a grenade , wedged into the rear slice out of the trunk . It was wedged tightly with a long twine tied to it which would be pulled by BJ . He would decide when to blow the tree . A slight breeze had picked up . Val looked up at the tree , watching the breeze catch it . If that tree falls too early , this is all for naught Val thought . Val heard it get closer and closer . The whine of the transmission was unmistakable , yet it was still fifty yards away . BJ 's lookout in the weeds was supposed to whistle when to blow the grenade . The whine of the transmission was getting louder . Calm . Stay ready . Be patient . Val told himself . He glad he had relieved himself as situations like this made him wanna pee . The grenade exploded , but the tree did not fall . The explosion ignited the gasoline / oil mix and lit across the road , then down the road for fifty yards . It caught quickly . Kyle had ended up with the AK and when he saw that truck was gone , he moved to the next one which was under heavy fire from BJ 's men . Kyle unloaded a whole mag at the tailgate , and slightly above . Then a couple shots at the driver 's side of the cab . Val stayed where he was , reloading his 30 - 30 in case a ' sleeper ' came bounding out . There was , but not for long . It 's hard to run when one 's feet are on fire . That was the last shot . He too walked around to check on the kids . All were unhurt . He ran out to Ginger where she had been hit in the shoulder ; a through and through . She was going into shock and Val got her down and elevated her feet . He dug into his pack and pulled out a light blanket . " Easy now Ginger . You got shot and the bullet went right through your left shoulder . You 're gonna be fine " Val tried to calm her although it was he that needed calming . " She 's been shot and she 's in shock " Val replied calmly . " She 'll be fine . The bullet went through her shoulder . There 's no broken bones . She 'll be OK , son . I need you to be calm now too . Go find BJ and see if there 's any medical supplies along and a medic … now . " A few minutes later , a crew of two showed up with a stretcher " it 's OK Val . We got her . We 'll take her to Arnie 's . Eunice is a nurse . She 'll know what to do . " " Jimmy " he said softly " that last grenade exploded in mid air hit him in the head with a piece of shrapnel . He probably never knew what hit him . He was pretty much responsible for taking out the last two trucks . " Val turned to BJ " get your lumberjacks on that tree . We need to clear this road . I say dump all the bodies and vehicles into the ravine and burn them … save the tree though . That damn thing will provide us with firewood for many winters … BBQs . " " Who do we have here ? " Val asked , pulling out his canteen and taking a drink . He offered the prisoner a drink , but he did not respond . He just glared straight ahead . " Do you recognize him ? " Val said , looking at the prisoner but speaking to Lisa . She tugged on his vest , pulling him rearward . " If he tries to stand up , shoot him in the dick " Val told the two guards . They nodded , refreshing their aim . " Did you get any of that ? " the Captain asked Val . " Man when they 're that young , it 's really sweet … then her mother wasn 't bad either . Neither of them ever resisted . How 'd you get her ? " " Hicktown farmers that just wiped out most of your men " Val reminded him " I 'll tell you something else Captain , if it weren 't for the ghosts , we wouldn 't have known you were coming . How could we have known ? Also , your four brave mercs all pissed in their pants when they saw the ghosts . " BJ broke the silence " OK , let 's salvage this truck , and dump the rest in the ravine with the rest of the dead . Let 's go ! I 'm hungry ! And thirsty ! " They kept the Ford that was still running and BJ said " Val , why don 't you just take the Ford . It 's the same model you already have . You could use it for spare parts . I ain 't got no room for another pickup . " Val went on " I 'm the first to admit that I am not versed in hand to hand combat . I 'm a shooter . There 's a definite advantage to being silent . " " I do " BJ said " there ain 't but one stoplight and one main street where all the businesses are . The rest is residential and that 's not much . When did you want to do this ? " " I agree , unfortunately . We still have that Ford left . It has a few bullet holes . " BJ continued " our guys were mostly dressed like theirs ; camo and such … a few with helmets . We could make a good run at it … " he stopped and went into thought . " You know , I was thinking that I know most of the folks in Blackthorne , and they know me . A few of them used to work for me … I was thinking that I got an old battery powered bullhorn and maybe I could drive through town telling the townfolk what happened and ask for the surrender of the other soldiers … or something like that . We 'd have our guys in the back armed … " Val interrupted " the first casualty would be you , my friend . After we kill the bad guys , then you can run for mayor . The hard part is not knowing how many bad guys there are . That 's why I took the Captain 's jacket and cap ; they 're one of a kind … we need someone to impersonate him , and maybe draw out the others when they see how few are left … something like that ? " BJ thought for another minute . " No , too dangerous . How about this ? We start at the ass end of town at the residences and recruit all the men we can . We bring extra guns . Anyone who comes with us will have more intel than us . Our force could grow substantially in a short time and we could take out the rest quicker than just wandering around waiting for them to come out of their holes . " Val thought too and nodded " we 'll need Lisa and you . Once we get a couple of guys , they can get the others easier to join us . They 'll likely know exactly where the rest are hiding . I like it . " Val turned to her and said " we have to go to Blackthorne … we have to let the citizens know the Captain and his men are defeated . We need to kill the rest of the Captain 's men still in town . We 'll need you to help get a few folks trust so we can get some of the town men to join us and tell us where the rest of the Captain 's men are . After that , we 're done . Whaddaya say ? " She seemed hurt at first then she smiled " OK . I know right where to go first ; my aunt 's house . She 's kinda old but she 's a good cook . A few of the soldiers would bring her food and she would cook for them . She saw them take me away last week . We can start there and then her neighbors , Jack and Annie will get on board . The rest will be easy . " " I know Jack Barstow " BJ said . " He 's a good man , and as I recall a pretty good shot . I would bet that he 's even got guns hidden … if he 's still alive . The plan sounds good . Let 's go back to Arnie 's and see who 's left to go with us . " " That 's fine " Val said " remember , Maude and Arnie saved your life … and ours too most likely . A thank you to them would be in order . They 're on our side . They can 't help that they 're dead , but you suit yourself . " " You and the boys go on back home and you get some rest . We 're not expecting a lot of resistance in town . Put up a sentry at the big gate and wait . We should be done in … what BJ ? a couple of hours ? " Then , it happened again . Val , BJ , Ginger , Kyle , Eunice all felt it . The ever so slight breeze stirred some trash that was on the floor , followed by the icy cold molecular thin plane that went through Val from back to front . Outside , Ginger and Kyle got into the truck with Charlie and Christopher . Val walked over and said " drive safely , and Kyle , take care of your mom . You heard Eunice on what to do . " " Ask for volunteers " Val suggested " we 'll need a second truck parked outside of town . . in case this one gets disabled … maybe just five guys . Still , we three will go alone into town . They just park and wait . If we 're not out in say a couple of hours , time to go home . " " OK then you guys go to homes where you know they know you and do your own recruiting . Bring some extra pistols for those who may not have any . Leave one man and one truck on the outside of town … just in case . Questions ? " " Oh , you mean the 7 - 11 that also is the cafe , sells gas and ice cream . Yep , one stop shopping . Feller owns it by the name of Gretz . Kind of a fiesty old fart but a decent businessman . " About fifteen minutes later BJ said " OK start slowing down . We 're gonna stop up here on the left . Make a left as soon as we pass the railroad tracks . " " Straight down the road and it will turn right into a neighborhood . I suggest you turn off your lights when we make the turn . Pull up a block or so and stop . Her house will be right there . " Val drove slowly down the road , as there was no moon out . When he finished the turn , he turned off the lights and drove slowly on the pavement . He passed one intersection , and Lisa pointed " pull up there on the right . That 's her house with the car in the driveway . " Jack interrupted " you 're Val ? " He broke away from BJ , walked over the Val and offered his hand " I 've heard some good things about you friend . Name 's Jack Barstow . " " We brought fifteen men with extra arms . We 're gonna meet them at the fire station . We gotta go house to house and find the rest of the soldiers " Val said . Some of them chuckled and one of the spoke up " I 'm Thomas . We know where they are . They holed up at the hotel after the Captain took the rest earlier today . They took a couple of women and they 're probably wasted beyond recognition by now . We figured they figured the Captain would have been back by now . There are others planning as we speak . " Val turned " my work here is done . I 'm going to Lisa 's as promised , then I 'm going home . It 's been a long day . " " We lost a few in the past six months too , Val " Jack acknowledged . " Since those assholes got here , we lost many wives , daughters , and in some cases men and boys . We thought Lisa Lynne was gone for sure . I also heard you took in a couple of strays and adopted them as well . You 're a good man , Val . We could use your help . " " We were joined by two more mobs by the time we got to the hotel . The mob just started kicking in doors , and dragging out the bad guys . I left . I seen enough killing today . You heard the shots . " " You and I could be friends " Val said taking a long drink . He couldn 't remember the last time he had a frosty brew . " How are you keeping it cold ? " Rita touched Val 's arm " you 've done us all a great service today Val Knudson . We all owe you for what you 've done ; especially for bringing back my Lisa Lynne . She 's taken quite a shine to you . " " This is a great day for the citizens of Blackthorne and surrounding areas . We can now go on with our lives , and move forward . I urge all of you to arm yourselves , and begin guarding your town yourselves . The only way to get through this is if we work together . We can do it as our fathers and grandfathers did before us . There are thousands of acres of farmable land around here . That 's more than enough to survive , and we have to work together to make it work . My friend Val here , planted five acres of corn a month ago , and they 're six inches tall now . Most of you have gardens . That 's good . The pioneer spirit lives on in spite of what has happened . Val hollered " sounds like if you share what have with your neighbors , you 'll be OK for a little while . Does anyone know anything about raising wheat ? I have full buckets of red wheat and white wheat , but know nothing about planting or raising it . " One guy spoke up " my daddy raised wheat when I was a kid . It 's a lot easier if you have a combine to harvest it , but I did my share of cutting and stacking sheaves . It can be done . I 've got some land that we could get planted . We could do winter wheat ; it plants in the fall and comes up in the spring . " " Lord , no " said Rita , putting her hand over her mouth . " Something has snapped in her . I never seen her cling to anyone like she has to you . She 's not the same girl that was inside her six months ago . " " I promise nothing will happen to her . You never know about people , Rita . They can bounce back . We 'll give her that opportunity . See you in a few days . " Christopher spoke up " Kyle is out at the big gate . Charlie and I did watch last night . It 's been quiet . We haven 't made our run to the intersection yet . We thought you might have a better handle on what you might be looking for so we waited . " " Good idea " Val said munching on some bacon . " If you 're rested , I want you to begin firearms training with Lisa today . Start her on the . 22 and move her up as you see fit . " Val continued talking to the guys " the rest of you clean them AKs today . Check your ammo supply and reload a bunch more of the 7 . 62 . Take turns and get as much done as you can . The full autos are great , but they go through the ammo very fast . " Val drove slow so they could hear each other and Ginger began " we gotta do something about Lisa . I cannot have her pawing and clinging to you like she does . She has gone through a huge psychological trauma , and she is not dealing with it . " Just then , Val saw something on the side of the road ; a darker color in a heap . He slowed and approached slowly . He pulled out his Glock and flicked off the safety . It was swollen , not a lot . No bones poking through . He put his hand around the ankle gently and said " move your foot up and down then sideways . " " It 's not broken " Val said " or I would have felt broken pieces grinding together . It 's a sprain . Let 's get you into the four wheeler and go home . " Val turned around , and Skip was still sipping the water " I was with the Captain 's group yesterday " he started but I jumped off the last truck and rolled into the ditch . I guess they didn 't care . I couldn 't go through with what they were going to do and had been doing . I didn 't sign up to kill and rape women and children " he shook his head . " So I watched from afar when you guys attacked them and silently cheered you on . " He winced as they hit a bump . " What 's new at your house ? " he asked . They arrived at the big gate and Christopher let them in . " Hi Skip . Didn 't think we 'd ever see you again " he said . Val put his hands together and said " OK then here 's what we 're gonna do . You can 't stay here , Skip . You need to be off your feet for several days and let your body heal itself . We 'll take you and Lisa into Blackthorne to Rita 's and you can recover there . How does that sound ? Rita is one helluva cook from what I 've heard , and you need some fattening up . " " No one knows that more than I . We banished him from BJ 's home when we found out he was passing information to the Captain about our numbers . BJ 's home was attacked a few months later by the Captain 's men . I got cornered by one of the Captain 's men and Skip blew his head off . " Val continued " he abandoned the Captain 's men before we attacked them . He wanted no part in killing and I would be willing to bet that he never raped anyone either . That little girl in there is in love with him . " Share this : TwitterFacebookLike this : Like Loading . . . This entry was posted in Uncategorized by extexanwannabee . Bookmark the permalink . Leave a Reply Cancel reply Enter your comment here . . . |
Halloween ! We never have trick - or - treaters so it 's just another night for us old geezers . I had bought some candy that we didn 't like so we wouldn 't eat it and it worked ! Frankie , Rachel and their kids ate it while they were visiting . They are like us . . . if there is anything sweet is the house , we will break a leg to get to it . Sugarholics we are , we are ! I was tired this morning and slept in . I think I go back to bed in order to let my meds work and when I get up my knees feel better , so I can get up and go . I helped Dad do the bills and walked out to the road to check the mail a couple of times not to mention the number of times I walked up and down the stairs . Whew ! It doesn 't take much to make me tired . I told Dad where a new Apple store is in H ' ville . Maybe we 'll be going there sometime next week . It 's in the newest mall in town and we would have to see if we could get parking space closer to the store . I didn 't think it was exercise time and didn 't wake up early enough to go . Maybe next week will be better . I finally was forced to go buy groceries . . . I was tired of not having anything I wanted to eat ! I got almost everything on my list . I forgot the hot chocolate . I have some blackberry zinger tea that I can have before I go to bed . That will relax my soul the same as the hot chocolate does . I even got some ice cream . Frank wasn 't impressed that I got cookies n ' cream , but I can get vanilla next time . Trudy really survived her surgery well . She has to recover for 6 weeks . She still gets to scrapbook or feels well enough to do it . Life is fragile . I took an extra pain pill before I went shopping so I would feel like going . Going up and down the stairs is hard and I feel the bones grinding on each other ! Not a good feeling . I wonder if Dr . Moore would consider replacing both knees at the same time ? Maybe that would be too much for me to handle . As soon as Dad is over his operation , I 'll schedule mine . Old age is not for sissies ! ! ! Today was our play day but I had to go to H ' ville to get Dad 's Rx so I asked Karen if she would like to go and she said " Yes " . We started off around 9 : 30 AM . We first went t by the college book store for Karen to get some things laminated and then we headed to H ' ville . We got the Rx and then we went to Main Street in Madison looking for a doll store . We found it , but they didn 't have much of a variety . Before that , we walked around the newest mall . The one with the gondolas and the carousal . The stores are too ritzy for my blood ! After all of that , we headed to Trudy 's to see how she was doing and I had some of Dad 's shirts to take to her . We had a nice , short visit . I got to see Benny 's ( standard Poodle ) new hair cut . Forrest was home with his stomach problems . After our visit , we came back to Athens to the book store and the pharmacy . We got back home about 3 : 00 PM . Karen had to make some spaghetti for tonight . She came and picked me up at 5 : 30 AM . She cooked spaghetti because she doesn 't like chili ! The cultural hall was full of people ! The food was good and the trunk or treaters filled the parking lot outside . There were games set up in different rooms , but we left before all of that . It was a good and fun day . Jackie , I 'm glad you enjoy my blogs . My life is so dull , I 'm glad you like them ! I know how it is with being connected . I enjoy Mary Kate 's and Trudy 's blogs very much . It was cold and windy today . I went outside to cut down a small Crepe Myrtle that was growing too near the mama plant and then I had planted a small bush too near the road that goes around the house , and when the small bush grew larger , and it was going to get very large , it would probably over shadow the road . I cut all the green off of the bush but it will slowly grow back . I might as well leave it for by the time it gets overgrown I might be sitting on a cloud playing the harp ! Went to Karen 's house for our study tonight . Monday night , I was too tired to go so we did it tonight . Her little Shih Zoo 's were in their corner pen just a tussling around and playing and having a good time ! I really wanted to watch them instead of concentrating on the lesson ! I told her Kayla loved porcelain dolls and she gave me two dolls I can give Kayla . She got them before she learned she didn 't like them . She has American Dolls now . She has one dressed up like the big , bad woof and another dressed like Little Red Ridding Hood . Too cute ! If the cancer hasn 't spread , Dad will have his operation the first Tuesday in Dec . He 'll be well for Thanksgiving . If it 's spread , I don 't know what will happen . I don 't believe it has spread . Trudy went home today - the day after she was operated on ! She has pain medicine as she needs it and will probably get better faster at home . The Relief Society has planned for meals to be brought in ' til Saturday , I believe . That is really a nice feeling to know your family is taken care off when you can 't do it yourself . Conference was good Sunday too . I was just too tired to blog when I got home . We saw Dr Morgan today . Dad 's prostrate cancer is moderately aggressive . He 'll get a bone scan and a CT scan to see if it has spread . I don 't think it has . Dr . Morgan has a sense of humor , which is good . We go back to see him Nov 10 . Are you supposed to leave out periods like after " Dr " ? Sometimes I use periods and Dad says not too . I wonder how long Dad will have to recover from the operation . . . The Dr 's use a robot guided by the Dr 's hands , and from what I 've read , they make four small slits in his belly for the cameras to see in and I guess they 'd have to make a small slit somewhere to get the prostate out . Maybe I can watch the operation . . . . no , I 'm too short to see the action ! It was cold ( 50 ' 60 's ) and windy today . I 'm not ready for it to get that cold so soon . I can 't wait for Dad to get better so I can have my knee replaced ! I 'm so tired of not being able to walk straight . I 'm still thankful I can walk but I 'm getting impatient ! Mary Lou and I will be riding to the Saturday night ( 6 : 00 ) session of Stake Conference with the Decker 's . They will be by for me around 5 : 00 PM . I hope it will be fun for I still feel bad . I went to town to Staples to get some new labels . I was out of Frankie 's address labels and needed some more . Dad and I struggled over how to print them right and finally got one page to work . Then , he remembered we could have just hit " center " the page and our task would have been done . Computer , one . Frank and Jan , 0 . I don 't know what to wear tonight . It is cool and I think the Stake Center is cool too , so I need to dress warmly . I might wear my new fall skirt and brown jacket . I think the skirt is a bit long but who cares . No none knows me and no one will remember me so it like so many sands through an hour glass . Ha - ha - ha - ha - ha ! ( she says as she rubs her evil hands together . . . ) That 's funny that I already had a title called " half and half " ! Half my day was serene and half was busy . I took Rosko and Rikki to the vet in Hartselle , about40 min . from here . The Dr . was behind so she had the birds in the back for a trim while I sat in the waiting room . All the birds were healthy but Rikki is too fat . That 's bad because that can cause fatty liver disease . We need to take her back to Dr . Jan for a blood test to check to see if she has FLD ( fatty liver disease ) . We 've been feeding the birds too many treats and Rikki is the most inactive of the three . Dr . Jan said it was like us eating a pecan pie every day . Mama Mia ! That would be a few pounds in no time , and I don 't even like pecan pie ! Frank is fighting a chest infection . He 's taking medicine for it . We see Dr . Morgan at 11 : 00 AM Monday and see what the options are . Life will be on hold after that until we know what to do . I think my feeling bad was a minor sinus infection . My right eye has been crying for two days . It 's madding to be in a store and have a tear running down my cheek ! I hope it gets better on it 's own . The weather has been rainy with the temps in the 60 's . Nice . We got 1 . 2 " of rain but I think we are still low for the year . Trudy 's operation is Monday . I guess George will take off work to take her to the hospital . I hope she gets to stay in the hospital for two days at least . If Frank has to have an operation , Mary Kate will come home for it . She was wanting to know when to come - while he 's in the hospital or when he comes home . I think during the operation would be best . I will have to come home to take care of the birds at night . I thought she could spend the night with Trudy or she could come home with me and go back the next day . I would like that . Company is better than no company ! I had to stay up today so I could go to Lowe 's to get the storm doors . Actually , I didn 't " get " the storm doors but paid for them and arranged to have them delivered and installed . The man said the deterioration of the doors was caused by water getting inside the door and swelling and then puncturing the metal . I had a termite salesman tell me that termites had done it ! You really have to strain the stuff you hear or read . Then , I went to Walmart for some envelopes and lip balm and then to Herbs ' N More to get Dad some herbs " N stuff . Isn 't " stuff " a neat word ? It covers a multitude of " things " ! I used the word " portend " in a letter I wrote today , so my vocabulary can go from " things ' N stuff " to other words . That word just popped into my mind , who knows from where . I actually may be smart underneath all the dumb ! I still feel like I 'm catching a cold or something . My injection says it can cause a scratchy throat , but I 've been taking it long enough that I would have thought it would have happened as soon a I began taking the drug . Only the Shadow knows ! The big Sweet Gum tree beside the road is shedding it 's leaves all over the road and the drainage ditch . Last year , I didn 't rake the leaves up and the ditch didn 't drain properly . So , when the tree gets through shedding , I 'll rake the leaves out of the ditch and burn them . Hey , I might even burn them in the ditch ! I decided not to get the storm doors today since I had other things to do . I went to the sheet metal place but no one was there . I found the piece that Dad had made so I placed the check on a clipboard that was on the counter and then loaded the sheet metal piece in the trunk of the car . I called Dad to tell him to call the place and maybe someone would show up . The phone rang many times ( and it was loud . . ) and from across the street I see this man come running to the store . It was the man I needed to pay . He gave me a copy of my bill and I told him I had already loaded it in my car . I was glad he showed up or I would have felt like a " thief in the night " ! I went by the pharmacy to pick up some medicine for Dad . He 's caught an infecting from some where and needed a Z pac . I fixed lunch , played the piano and then it was ready to go visiting . We have four people to see . Two are mother and daughter so we get to see two at one stop . We got to see the other two people so we are 100 % for October . Yeah ! I came home tired and felt like I was coming down with something so I got a Zicam out and swabbed it in my nose . I hope it works for I haven 't been sick in quite a while . I 've learned how to give myself the shots pretty well . I haven 't got it down by memory yet , but I will in due time . I carry the birds in for their trims Friday . All except Gert . I 'm afraid I 'd have to fight him to get him into the carrier and I not ready to do that . So Rikki and Rosko will go . Rikki 's beak and nails have gotten really long and Dr . Jan will probably fuss at me for waiting so long , but I was waiting hoping Gert would get tamer so I could take him in too . It 's alway somethin ' ! Frankie and family got off about 10 : 30 AM . They got home about . . . I don 't remember what time it was when he called and said they had been home about 30 minutes . The little dog traveled pretty well . I know they were glad to be home . It 's a true saying , " There 's no place like home " . We had such a lovely , lovely visit . Trudy felt the same way about their visit . After they left , I got the big vacuum out and did the floors , then I went over them with the water and vinegar . I got up plenty of dirt ! I like my floors to be clean . There may be a pound of dust on every thing else in the house but if my floors are clean , then I 'm happy . Tomorrow Mary Lou and I go Visiting Teaching . In the morning , I have to go to Lowe 's to get two storm doors for the house and arrange the installation of the doors . Then , I have to pick up a sheet metal top that Frank ordered made for the well cover . We don 't use the well anymore but we still need to take care of it . I have to feed the horse and cat while Maryleen and John are gone . Then it will be time for V . T . ! I decided not to go to exercise class tomorrow I have so much to do . The kids really slept in this morning . They should have since they played hard yesterday ! Frankie and Rachel were up before the kids and they took a walk down the road before breakfast . Later on in the morning , we all loaded up and went to Kid 's Mart , a consignment store and they got a lot of things , mostly for Christmas . We found two dresses for Mariam , a very nice coat for kayla and a coat for Luke . It was fun shopping and I got to help out with the price . Since Kayla is home schooled this year and she 's a bit lonely , Rachel was thinking about getting another inside dog for the family . Well , this morning , Brenda Adams , my next door neighbor , call me to see if we wanted a dog . We didn 't but I told her I knew someone who did ! Brenda was happy and so were the Layton 's . Brenda bought the pup for some reason , paid $ 200 . 00 for it ( it 's a shiz poo , a mix between a shizoo and a poodle . He looks like that dog that I can 't spell the name of , and is a charcoal color ) . He 's 3 months old and is very cute ! Brenda doesn 't want an inside dog and is glad to get rid of " Bama " . He even has papers ! They 'll take him with them when they leave tomorrow around noon . Tonight , they went over to Trudy 's for supper . Everyone got up early and we made it to church by 9 : 15 AM . We weren 't there for long before Josh , the 4 yr . old got upset and Frankie and Rachel had to leave church and go home . I got a ride home from the Decker 's and I got home around 1 : 00 PM . Primary went well . I didn 't play too many wrong notes . Sis . Decker has the hard job being the chorister but she does an excellent job and the children respond to the things she does . Trudy and her family came over at 4 : 30 PM just in time to roast hot dogs on the fire that Luke and Frankie made . In fact , he used up all of the wood in the burn pile and now I don 't have to burn it ! Frankie and Rachel and kids walked down to feed the horses some apples and he toured the woods he used to play in when he was a kid . In the evening the kids played outside with Trudy 's kids and they had a great time ! After supper , we opened the birthday presents and little Josh was such a happy boy . Mariam was happy with her gifts too . It was good for Frankie and George to visit and Trudy and Rachel to visit with each other . Families are a wonderful gift . Frankie , Rachel and the children came around 1 : 30 PM today . It was so good to see them . I met them at Walmart and we bought some groceries for the visit . After lunch , we walked down the road to feed Danny Boy some apples . Then we noticed the Calvert 's alpaca herd . It seems like they have 6 alpacas . Luke got one to come up to the fence but it didn 't want an apple . We saw some horses at the end of the road so we had to walk down there to feed those horses ! It was a fun trip . I cooked 3 lbs . of potatoes to make potato salad . Kayla chopped the potatoes and the hard boiled eggs up and mixed everything together . I almost forgot the sweet pickle relish but remembered after one bite of the salad . There were some hot wings left over from when Forrest was here and everyone enjoyed them . Mariam and Josh played with Play Doh for a while before we walked down the road . After supper , Kayla and Luke played computer games with Grampie and Kayla also practiced the piano for a while . It 's 8 : 30 PM and all is quiet . Everyone is tired . I said we needed to leave for church at 9 : 00 AM . That way we would get a good seat and would be on time . We 'll have Josh and Mariam 's birthday party after supper . Trudy and her family are coming over for a while . George 's father is in the hospital with heart and bladder problems . It 'll be good having everyone over . After exercise , I bought some groceries and things for the kids coming tomorrow . Later , I took Dad by Tennessee Valley Wholesale to get some plumbing parts . After supper , he got a little inspiration about why the water didn 't run fast in the sink . We went downstairs and Dad changed the the filter screen at the facet and it was full of gunk . He put a new one on and the water gushed out ! Wahoo ! Success ! We do want to replace the facet one day soon , but not before Frankie 's visit . My knees are hurting and my right knee , which will be replaced first . turns in so much that it rubs against the left knee . It will really feel good to have a straight leg for once . I 'm thinking of having it done in December . Dad ordered some new pillows that have tiny beads in them . He 's looking for something that will help his neck while he 's in bed . I slept with one last night and I liked it . They had a bad smell that needs to be aired out , but that didn 't bother me ! It was a go back to bed day so my day started at 10 : 00 AM . It was $ 2 . 00 a flu shot day at the Health Department . Instead of long lines at the Health Dept . building , they had a drive by clinic at the SportPlex . I wanted to go early but Dad didn 't get ready until 1 : 00 PM and by the time we got there , they had run out of medicine ! They told us to come by the Health Dept . tomorrow and there would be more meds and someone would come out to the car and shoot Dad ! Instead , we went by Athens Pharmacy and paid $ 15 . 00 and shot to not get the flu . We 're both glad we did it that way . I 'll have to go out tomorrow and go by the bank , but Dad will need to rest . I can buy some Soy milk and Rice Krispies for Kayla until I find out what else she can eat . It will be a fun visit . I was thinking of having Josh and Mariam 's birthday on Sunday afternoon . That way , Trudy 's family would be able to come and enjoy the party and still get home in time to go to bed early . I hope everyone agrees with that idea . After exercise class I went to Walmart and got new bathroom things for the downstairs bath . The new shower curtain is a light color with palm trees on it . The bathmat is white in the middle with a dark green border and a palm tree . I bought the toothbrush holder in the shape of a palm tree - dark brown with green leaves on the top . I got the glass and soap holder too . I also got 4 new light green towels and a top cover for the toilet and some little palm trees to hold the shower curtain in place . It was a pricey purchase but it 's time I did something with that bath . I do have visitors and it looked so bad before . It needs more light but I don 't know what to do about that . I also bought some dried beans and two jars of peanut butter . After Walmart , I got a new muffler put on the Accord and then I went by the pharmacy to get an Rx for Dad . The car is in good shape now . I was afraid the muffler might put CO in the inside of the car and that would be bad for the birds . I have an appointment in a week to take them in for trims . I 've been waiting for Gertie to get more tame so I could put him in his carrier so all of their nails have gotten longer and Rikki 's beak is very overgrown . Maybe Dr . Jan can tell me the best way I can get Gert to see her for his nails are long , too . We can keep his wing feathers cut but he 's too active to get his nail cut at home . Frankie and his family are coming for a visit this Saturday . They 'll stop by the Nashville Temple before they come . Rachel 's mother is driving down to watch the kids and then she will probably stay there with friends . They 'll only be 1 1 / 2 hours away from us at Nashville . I swept downstairs today when I decorated the bathroom . There 's a cot mattress on the floor left over for when Trudy and the kids stayed with us and I have two blow up air mattresses if needed . The other double bed is crowded with food storage but the bed can be cleared for sleep . It would be nice to decorate Frankie 's old bedroom . I could buy a spread and then make curtains for the windows since they arePosted by Mary Lou came to get me at 9 : 20 AM and we were some of the first to get to the Pamper Me party . We got manicures and pedicures which were lovely . The Valley Events Center is really nicely decorated and there was nice music playing . They had light refreshments and it was a nice , relaxing time . I was home by 11 : 30 . The Rooter man was climbing on the roof when I came home and he was gone shortly there after . The sink drains well now and I will never put any grease in the sink drain again . It 's been 28 years before we had to have it done . I do know better than to put grease down the drain , but I rationalized by putting a lot of Dawn dish washing juice in the grease to cut it down before I poured it in the drain ! Frankie and his family said they will be coming down next week . I tried to call him to find out the exact day but I got the answering machine . Dad needs to fix the lavatory water fixture for the water comes out very slowly . We may need to go to Tennessee Valley Wholesale to get some plumbing parts but that 's no biggie . I would like to decorate the downstairs bathroom with a new , brighter , or more colorful shower curtain and some new towels . I 'll have to look at what Walmart has . That will be fun shopping for new bathroom things . Maybe I 'll go with green , but I guess I 'll have to wait to see what shower curtains they have . I can do it tomorrow after exercise class . Went to exercise today and then came right home . When Frank has a Dr . s appointment , he doesn 't like me going anywhere for fear he won 't make the appointment . But I was only gone one hour and his appointment was at 2 : 00 PM . It was a pretty rough procedure but he made it through . He 'll have to make another appointment to find out the results . We 've been having beautiful fall weather , not getting over 85 degrees during the day and down in the 60 's at night . It would be nice to have this kind of weather all year round . Trudy and the kids made it home safely from Mary Kate 's last night . She called and we talked ' til she was home . George was glad to see them come home . Tomorrow is the Party In Pink for the cancer survivors . I think I 'll wear a skirt . You can wear anything but since it 's a luncheon and everything will look pretty , I 'll do the same ! Mary Lou will come pick me up about 9 : 20 AM for the party starts at 9 : 45 AM . I wish my blog could be more interesting and exciting , but I don 't do much interesting or exciting things to write about . I have some # 10 cans with lids and oxygen packets I want to get to Trudy 's house . I just need a time to take them over there . That would be interesting and exciting for me ! I went to bed before Frank put the sink back together and tried it out to see if the clog was gone . This morning , he said the sink is more stopped up than before ! We will have to get Mr . Rooter out here sometime . Tomorrow , Frank has a Dr . s appointment at 2 : 00 PM and I don 't know how he is going to feel afterwards . If he 's not to bad , maybe the Rooter man could come Mon . If not , then Tuesday . Tuesday morning I have a cancer surviver luncheon to go to . Mary Lou Hill is coming by to pick me up . This is a annual luncheon and has been quite good the times I went in the past . Anyone can go but the cancer survivors get in free . October is cancer awareness month . I 'll have to tidy the kitchen up . All the contents that one usually has hidden under the sink are all over the floor and counter tops . I 'll just put everything on the table neatly so it won 't look so bad . I don 't like the way it looks now and it will be better with some organization in it . I gave my money to Sis . Berry so I 'm officially going to Womens Day Out in Nashville , TN in Nov . I think I will really enjoy getting away and having someone else be responsible for getting me there . I enjoyed it the last time I went . The other day I noticed that the dishwasher was backing up in the sink but didn 't think too much about it . Today the sink stopped up - bam ! Dad got his plumber 's pants on and went to work . That was 6 hrs . ago . I had to make a trip to Lowe 's to get some new pipe and a qt . of Draino at 6 PM . It 's 8 : 30 PM now and Dad 's on the phone with Kelly Ann . He still has to pour the Draino in and then put the pipes back together . Maybe sometime tonight the sink will be flowing . If not , we 'll get the Rooter out here and put some muscle into the pipes . Don 't remember what I did this morning . I think I went to Walmart for something , but I don 't remember what . The Maple trees are beginning to turn beautiful orange colors mixed with the green that was already there . The Sweet Gum outside the front window is loosing it 's leaves and has carpeted the grass underneath the tree . Fall is so nice ! It was nice having Trudy , Sadie and Forrest with us for two days . I 'm glad they like to hang out at Granny 's and Grampie 's house . We surely love them , and all our children to visit with us ! Today , we just slept in . I wanted to go to exercise class , but I got up at 7 : 30 AM and Dad was sick this morning and I only had 30 minutes to get ready and get there and that 's not enough time so I went back to bed to rest a while longer . I had to run to the store for milk . The kids drank an entire gallon of milk in two days ! We have a Dollar General store 1 mile from the house and it 's convenient to stop there . Frank got to feeling better before they left and was getting the bird cages cleaned . The kids really like to watch the birds get out of their cages and play around and vocalize . Rosko rides around on Dad 's shoulder and gets to be king of the hill for a few minutes . He 's the smallest of all three of the birds . Rikki , the Yellow Nape , wouldn 't hurt Rosko , but Gert , the Yellow Collar macaw likes to be king of the hill and he would go after Rikki , who is the largest bird . Gert wants to be the only bird on the hill ! " Close " in the last post should have been " clothes " . It rained last night and we got 1 1 / 2 " . The world was dusty and needed a rain to wash it off . I know my car did ! The trees are starting to turn color . The Sweet Gums have green and orange leaves on them . The little Maple tree in front of the kitchen window is just thinking of changing . Bro . Decker said he would come over and cut some branches off the Maple tree that are hanging down to the ground . I used to be able to do that work myself but my knees won 't let me now . Gr - r - r - r ! Growing old is not for sissies ! . Yesterday , Monday , Trudy , Sadie and Forrest came over to spend a couple of days with us . Last night we watched a movie called , " Meet Joe Black " . It was really good . Today we went to town and went to thrift shops and Goodies . It rained but we didn 't get wet . We came home about 1 : 00 PM . The kids spent 30 minutes a piece on the computer all afternoon long . Forrest and Dad played some computer games and Sadie created her blog . Now Sadie and Sophia will be blogging each other ! I went back to exercise class Monday and everyone ( a few ) wondered what had happened to me . I will get up and go tomorrow and will be back home by 9 : 30 AM maybe before Trudy and the kids are up . After two thrift stores , we went to Big Lots and Goodies . I like Goodies because they have a good Petites department . I could really be a close hound if I let myself . I saw a fake leather coat with a fur collar and fur at the wrists that fit me . The collar was too large for a shorty so I didn 't get it . I liked it though . I was thinking I wanted a leather coat this year , but I probably won 't get one . It 's nice to want ! I 've been successful in giving myself my shots . The medicine is supposed to cause the body to grow bone and since I have osteoporosis so bad I need strong bones . I think I said I will take if for two years . Mary Kate , Trudy can go on my blog any time and change things around . She made that comment on the nurse giving me the shot , not me . Ha - ha ! I felt I had to tell the truth when I wrote that blog ! ! Had a nice , quite week - end . Conference week - ends are like that . Trudy and kids are coming over for a 2 day visit tomorrow . I want the front door painted but Dad said no . Maybe we can buy the new storm doors and arrange to get them installed . Forrest could help with that . Who knows what we 'll do ( well . . . you know who knows . . . ) As I was typing the title above , it published the empty blog . I don 't know why it will do that occasionally . I just gave myself the second shot . It 's not hard nor does it hurt . It 'll get better when I don 't have to read the directions each time . Had the card party today . I made three cards before I had to go . I wanted to get home in time to watch the conference . I just missed 45 min . of it . I had the same anxiety I have when I play the piano ( while making cards ) . Maybe this is something I will tell Dr . Sharp about . I don 't know if it 's left over from the cancer treatments or not . Maybe it 's my bipolar . It was 61 degrees when I got up , but by the time I left the house it was at 66 degrees . Our weather is getting cooler in a normal way . That 's nice . Dad had a bad day today . It 's 7 PM now and he 's on the computer . The guy at Staples , who has been fixing Dad 's other PC said it would probably be ready next week . Then we can do genealogy on that PC . I don 't really have any desire to do genealogy again but who knows . I might change my tune , especially since it 's off - key . Two times to H ' ville back to back made me tired . I went back to bed and didn 't get up until 11 : 00 AM . I didn 't leave the house today at all . I helped Dad pay the bills and then filed them away . I washed a load to towels with some Clorox . I had stuffed them in the barrel while they were still damp and whew , did they smell bad ! I 'll probably add a little Clorox in each load to towels to keep them clean . I looked on thriftyfun . com and it said bacteria could live in the washing machine and could make clothes smell bad . I knew a girl that put a little Clorox in each wash load she did . I guess if you only use a small amount , it won 't take the color out of things . I have a card party tomorrow at 10 : 00 AM . We make 4 cards and envelopes and by the time we get to the fourth card , I am mentally tired . General Conference is tomorrow so I 'll watch the conference I miss that night . I got to the Dr 's office at 8 : 00 AM . I had to wait 20 min . and began to get restless . By the time I was ready to bolt from my chair , there she was , calling my name . We passed the weigh in scales , probably no time for that . . . She showed me to a room , a cold room and I sat there and waited . Beads of sweat began forming on my forehead as I waited . Then , she appeared carrying a small black bag . As she unzipped the black bag , I noticed she had dimmed the lights , and locked the door . Then , right before my eyes , she drew out the dose pin with the needle shinning in the dark . I was about to ask a question when she leaped at me , got me in a head lock and wrestled me to the floor , pulled up my shirt to reveal my flabby flesh thighs and before I could break the head lock , I felt it . The pressure of the needle and pen against my left thigh . It was too late to squirm now , it was over . The medicine coursed through my body as I lay limp and dazed on the office room floor . She said in a matter of fact voice , " Oh , you chicken , get off the floor " . I obediently did as I was told and she showed me how to use the pen . She said I didn 't have to waller around on the floor to inject myself , to just sit quietly on a chair . Soon , the visit was over and the door was unlocked and I scurried away like a bat in dry leaves . I had almost forgotten the ordeal until I got home and noticed a small , red rash on my left thigh . The came the flash backs of the attack and all the ugly details . . . We left the house around 9 : 45 AM to go to see Patti Sims at the Pain Clinic . The prescriptions weren 't ready because Dr . Gantt was in surgery that morning and didn 't have them ready . So we drove down California St . to go to Dr . Dang 's office and I got my paper signed by him that said it was okay for me to take the new meds I can 't remember the name of right now . Tomorrow , I 'll leave the house at 7 : 00 AM to go see Dr . Shergy 's nurse who will show me how to use the new meds . I 'm excited about it . I have never given anyone a shot , especially myself , so this will be fun . The needle is very tiny so that doesn 't scare me . I 'll have to inject myself every day for 2 years . I guess by two years the bone gets as solid as it can be . I have nothing more to say . I 've had my hot toddie for the night and will brush my teeth and turn the radio or the CD on and wait for the Sandman ( Mr . Sandman , bring me a dream , make him the cutest that I 've ever seen . . . . ) I 'll get up at 6 : 00 AM . I imagine I 'll get into some work traffic at 7 in the morning . Bubba and Ruth aren 't coming to the fiddler 's convention . Ruth will be out of town and Bubba probably doesn 't want to come . I 'd like to go . Who knows . Maybe I 'll go by myself . Time for bed for sure now . I 'm a graduate of the University of Alabama , class of ' 66 . I majored in music , piano and organ . I taught private piano lessons in Tuscaloosa for a year and then got a teaching job in Key West , FL . There I met my husband , Frank and four months later we were married . Have lived in Athens , AL since 1976 . My children grew up in Athens . My husband is bedridden now so I add the title of care taker to the title of homemaker . I never wanted to work outside the home . I enjoyed gardening until I got breast cancer in 2002 . I 'm not able to do much garden work now , and I miss it . I enjoy going to the Wellness Ctr . to exercise . I enjoy making greeting cards and usually make a card or two each day . I love getting together with my daughters , Trudy and Mary Kate and my grandchildren . My son , Frank , lives in Knoxville , TN , so I don 't see him often . He has 4 children . I enjoy being a grandmother . please keep it in order to retain your counter functionality Insurance quotes are the way to start looking for insurance . simply by putting attention to website offerring allstate insurance the purchace process can be optimized . The poor man died with a big collection of poor insurance quotes . free counter |
Looking around Tiny Cottage the other day , I began to wonder . . . If I invited you to my house . . . And didn 't tell you we had horses . . . Would you work it out for yourself ? ! I think so too ! Let 's just say , these aren 't for human consumption ! Have a good weekend , everyone ! Posted by I have finally finished reading ' Love In The Time Of Cholera ' . It 's an extraordinary book , by Gabriel Garcia Marquez . It 's a love story , set during the last century , possibly in Columbia ( although I 'm not convinced ) . You can feel the heat , the Catholicism , the oppression . Think ' Evita ' in the opening scenes when it 's her father 's funeral and she isn 't acknowledged as one of his children . It 's the story of a young man , Florentino Ariza , who meets a young girl , Fermina Daza , and they fall in love , through their letters , which they exchange for two years , but as soon as they meet again Fermina breaks it off , and not long after , marries Dr Juvenal Urbino . ( The author uses the characters ' full names every time they are mentioned , which adds to the formality and strangeness of the atmosphere ) . They are married for fifty odd years , and during that time Ariza never forgets her . ( The whole point of the book is that it 's saying love sickness is a disease like cholera . ) After that time , the doctor dies , and Florentino Ariza and Fermina Daza get back together . The annoying thing about it , is that the author lists all of the people Florentino Ariza has affairs with ( graphically described ) over those years , while in his own head , he has kept himself pure for Fermina Daza , because he hasn 't got married . One definitely gets the impression that Marquez sees no problem with this , although , I 'm sure if it had been Fermina that had had lots of affairs , it would have been considered scandalous . This book does deal with death , decay and old age , which was a bit too much for me last week when Mr O had gone to Germany to see his dying brother for the last time . I could have thrown the book at the wall ( haven 't done that since ' Flowers In The Attic ' ) . It is a strangely compelling book , and quite beautifully written . I had to know what happened at the end , and that 's got to be the sign of a good book , hasn 't it ? So I 'd give it eight out of ten , and would tentatively recommend it , but you 've got to really want to read it . ( ie , I accept no rePosted by Well , what I 'd termed ' the hack from hell ' on facebook turned out to be okay after all ! The journey there and back was pretty harrowing . I don 't think we 've ever driven the lorry through such narrow streets with houses on either side . At one point I thought Mr O was going to put the corner of the lorry through someone 's sitting room window , but he missed it by inches . For some reason , when we get close to things I find myself breathing in and holding my breath , as if that will somehow make the lorry breath in too , and squeeze through the gap ! We drove onto the field at the venue , parked the lorry and got the horses out , Barnaby , Lindy and Zak . We put Barnaby and Lindy together on one side of the lorry and Zak on the other side on his own , as we 'd planned that Mr O would set off first , as he was doing the fourteen mile route and we were only doing seven . We got on with the business of tacking up . I 'd taken the decision to bring Barnaby 's double bridle , which turned out to be totally the right thing to do . Mr O was soon ready to get going , so I helped him mount up and away he went . Zak and Barnaby had been whinnying to each other from opposite sides of the lorry ( Barnaby wasn 't the least bit interested in Lindy . They don 't really get on , and today was no exception ! ) Unfortunately Mr O had to come out onto the road and rode past us . Barnaby saw Zak as plain as day , and then started stressing . He builds up slowly , first pawing the ground , then trying to break the string that 's securing him to the lorry . Given more time , he progresses to rearing up bodily , and typing his name in the side of the lorry with his front hooves . I had to give Mr O time to get away , so that if Barnaby whinnied , he and Zak wouldn 't be able to hear each other , but didn 't want to leave it too long in case he became totally unmanageable . I was struggling to do up the chain that goes under his chin , as he 'd eaten loads of grass . By the time I 'd pulled it all out of his mouth , my hands were too slippery to manage the chain and then do up the tiny leatPosted by It 's been a strange and peculiar week , and I could do without too many like this , thankyou very much . It started on Monday when my riding instructor rang to say she couldn 't come on Tuesday because someone had stolen her car . She found it not very far away , burnt to a cinder . She 'd arranged to get another car but wasn 't sure when she could come . " Come any time ! " I said , and I meant it . So I waited all day Tuesday and Wednesday and she didn 't ring me . I didn 't want to ride Barnaby in the morning in case she rang at lunch time and said she could give me a lesson in the afternoon . In the end I lunged him Tuesday evening and hacked him out Wednesday evening . By which time Mr O had buzzed off to Germany . The bed is cold without him . ' Er Indoors takes up too much space and snores even more than he does , so that didn 't work . She 's pining for him , too , nearly as much as me . Then my instructor rang to say she could come on Thursday morning , by which time I had to turn her down as I knew I 'd be riding Thursday evening , and I don 't think even Barnaby would tolerate being ridden twice in one day ( though goodness knows , he could do with it ) . Then the kind , but confusing bit . There is a pleasure ride on Sunday , which I am really looking forward to . Missis said that as she is flying back from America on Saturday she probably won 't have the energy to do it , but thinking she was doing me a favour , said that Pongo would go , and take me in their lorry as well ( at the time assuming Mr O would still be in Germany ) so I was grateful , as you can imagine . This has involved taking Pongo out for a hack last night , as he very rarely rides . Personally I wouldn 't wake up one morning and think , " I know , I 'll go for a seven mile hack ! " if I only rode once every two months , but each to his own . But the thing is , Mr O will be back tonight , and more than able to ride on Sunday . He will want to do the fourteen mile route , which leaves me trailing round with Pongo for seven miles , on a horse he can 't control , which will wind up the horse I 'm trying to coPosted by I know many of my readers could easily come to the conclusion that I 'm living the life of Riley here ( whoever he is ! ) and that nothing ever goes wrong . And I have to admit , that from my own perspective , things are , indeed , pretty good . Unfortunately this laissez - faire does not , for some reason , extend to Mr O . As you know , he still goes out to work every day and when we moved here they made redundancies within the company . He survived those , but they 've recently had another round of redundancies , and this time Mr O 's job was just as vulnerable as everyone else 's . We prayed and prayed , and Mr O 's job is safe ( for the time - being ) but as Work 's Manager , he still had the unpleasant task of telling certain people that they no longer had a job , not exactly thrilling . Then it transpired that one of the guys they 'd kept on was diagnosed with cancer and given only a few months to live . Mr O has been struggling to come to terms with this , plus the whole saga of Zak 's gastroscopy , don 't forget , when I received an email via facebook from Mr O 's niece saying that her dad , Mr O 's brother , was very ill in hospital . Mr O has rung him and it transpires that he , too , has cancer , and only has a couple of month 's left . We knew he had bowel cancer a couple of years ago , but thought everything was fine . It turns out it sent spores into his spine before they detected it , and now he is paralysed from the waist down . The biggest problem of all this is that Mr O 's brother lives in Germany . We have been running round trying to find a flight that a ) we could afford , as most of them cost around five hundred pounds and b ) that goes to an airport near where he lives . You 'd be amazed at what a task this has been , as Mr O wants to drive to Manchester , pick his eldest brother up and fly from Manchester airport . Then , to cap it all , Mr O 's youngest brother , who was supposed to be going with them , had a heart attack at work yesterday . Honestly , can anything else go wrong ? I don 't know how Mr O is bearing up under the strain . When he told his boss he woulPosted by I am sitting writing this full of gratitude that I don 't have to go ' out ' to work today , because I am exhausted . This is the result of all the fun and games yesterday . El Husbando and I set off to do a local TREC competition . I would just like to say a big thankyou to Pongo and Missis for lending us their lorry for the day , otherwise we couldn 't have gone . It was quite funny though , because Zak only just fitted in , and kept his head down , as if we 'd folded him up slightly , and Barnaby kept looking out the back , which made it difficult to close the back ramp up . We did get there , though , with a few interesting gear changes , and me fearing for our lives going down some steep hills , but found the field okay . Zak expanded rapidly as he came down the ramp . We went to sign in , and then the fun and games commenced . I had assigned the job of copying the route onto our map to Mr O , as he is very good at that sort of thing . Last year when I did it with Missis , we got completely lost ! You have ten minutes to copy the route from a very big map onto your little one , then you have a tack check , and then set off on the orienteering phase of the competition . We rode across a couple of fields , and there before us was the first obstacle . Last year we had to ride up a really steep slope , between the flags . This year we had to lead them up , turn round at the top and lead them back down again . It was a really slippery , bumpy grass area , and I was worried I 'd fall over and Barnaby would tread on me . I was also worried he wouldn 't want to leave Zak , and he didn 't , but he was still obedient and we made it there and back in one piece . When it was Mr O 's turn , Zak just followed him along like a pack animal , beautifully done . Then on the flat field at the top we had the ' Remounting ' obstacle . We had to lead them up to a mounting block and get on , on the offside of the horse , in less than fifteen seconds . I failed this last year , even with getting on on the correct side . This time I whipped in , got on the block and leapt on in nine seconds ! I coPosted by I 've been a bit busy , and I 'm popping off as soon as I 've written this , as I 've quite a bit still to do . But first things , first . You may recall that when Peggy the chicken flaunted her new family in front of Penny , Penny got her own back by standing up and revealing that she too , was ' in the family way . ' On Thursday morning I let Peggy out for her usual morning constitutional , and as usual , she began strutting up and down outside Penny 's hutch . Penny began to rise laboriously to her feet , and I thought , ' Oh , I know what 's coming , ' and sure enough , out popped her new chick . Then , to my astonishment , another chick fell out from under her other wing . The egg that she was left with obviously hatched out in the middle of the night , and she 's looked after it and helped it all by herself . I am absolutely delighted . I will take a photo of them as soon as I can , but they scuttle under mum as soon as anyone approaches . They are very sweet , though , one is yellow and the other one is grey . Penny 's eyes are as bright as jewels and her pride in her new clutch is blatantly evident . Good on you , girl , I 'm so proud . I spent the whole of yesterday in Worksop . I had to go up with Mr O in the morning , so got up at silly o ' clock , sipped some tea and got straight in the car . Mr O dropped me off at The Cafe where I took my cards in . I must tell you that when I rang up and spoke to the manageress , and said I was going to give them some of my cards to sell , she said , " And what do you want us to do for you ? " I said , " No , I don 't want any money for them , I 'm donating them , so you can sell them , " and she was astonished . So she was really pleased to see me when I dropped them off . They 'd arranged a space for them on the table with the books . She asked me how much I thought they ought to sell them for , so I said a pound each , as it 's an easy coin for customers to hand over . I said not to worry if they didn 't sell , and she said , " Oh , they 'll sell ! " I was really surprised , but pleased . It is a strange feeling , handing over my creations to someone Posted by I 've been a bit down in the dumps and I don 't really know why , I think it 's a combination of things , e . g . the quad incident , the loss of the chick , and then , primarily that I had a riding lesson again yesterday with Nicky Hunt . It has to be said that Barnaby has improved greatly and is much straighter in himself , which is wonderful . It 's just that when I get on him I feel like my riding is really bad . I have , without doubt , picked up some bad habits from riding Max for six years , but my one bugbear is that I still can 't keep my legs still when I trot , and I 've been working on it for a year . The trouble now is that people think I 'm continually legging the horse on , but actually I 'm trying frantically to keep my legs still and nothing works . I have also seen several pictures of myself where my toes are turned out . I know why this is , though , and that I keep on riding with my heel , so I 'm working on keeping my toes turned in , but it hurts ! I 've also had the feeling that in order to make Max move , especially on a circle , I must tap him with my ankle , so I keep on lifting my heels up when I ride . I 've seen myself doing this , too , and am trying to train myself out of it , and to use my calf muscles instead , and again , this relies on me keeping my toes in . I 'll be walking like a bowlegged chicken before you know it . You 'll recognise me in Chesterfield High Street , anyway . Mr O said I had a ' very defeatist attitude ' and proceeded to depress me even more by telling me how well he rides . Well , that 's nice . I resisted the temptation to tell him that it 's his fault Barnaby is in such a state , because that won 't achieve anything , will it ? But it is far from all bad , and I am determined to look on the bright side . The best thing is that after losing the little chick in the morning , one of the ones in the incubator hatched out at tea time . I quickly scooped it up and ran outside with it and popped it underneath Penny . She looked mildly surprised , but tucked the little thing underneath her and started cooing at it . I went out again Posted by I let the ducks and chickens out this morning and decided to let Penny out as well . There was something next to her , as if it was an extension of her , but when I looked more closely , it was a chick , and it was motionless . I picked it up and it was cold , so I decided to take it indoors and see if I could revive the poor little thing . I spent about half an hour trying to warm it and get it to drink , but in the end it decided it wasn 't worth it and gave up . I am so sad for it , and sad for Penny , too . She 's not having much luck , is she ? The other bit of bad news is that our lorry failed its MOT . I am not impressed . What was the point of having it inspected first ? Mr O has taken it all the way to Mansfield , where he should have taken it in the first place , and goodness knows how long it 's going to be there . Because he didn 't have the car , he 's ended up walking most of the way home , along the bypass , until he finally managed to hail a taxi . I can 't help feeling that praying together more might help us avoid these total lapses of wisdom . There 's nothing to lose , is there ? The good news is that we 've decided now we won 't be paying out vast sums of money for Zak 's medication , we can afford a little holiday , so I have been in touch with the owners of Field Farm to see if we can get our holiday reinstated . They are more than happy to have us along , so I have sent off a deposit . We 'll be going in the second week of August . I am so looking forward to it . They have a cross country course , and we can ride from the farm straight to the beach . ' Er Indoors is coming too . I have finally succumbed and moved a lot of my crafting stuff from my ( tiny ) desk to the kitchen table . It is bliss to have everything I need spread out in front of me and not to have to keep searching through drawers to find everything . I thought Mr O would be annoyed , but actually he 's more than happy about it . I am determined for it not to take up residence there permanently , ( yeah , right ! ) but it 's great for the time being . One of my challenges this month is to Posted by On the Friday before the wedding , there were a couple of important developments round here that made me almost want to stay home ! The first one was that the little ducks went out onto the pond with the big ducks . Suddenly they have feathers , and don 't look very different from the older ducks , just a little bit smaller . Firstly we introduced all six ducks together , then the little ones followed the older ones down to the pond , the older ones almost flying , and the little ones running like the clappers , trying to keep up . Then they met fairly large scale water for the first time , and decided they didn 't like it . In the end , it was one of the older ducks that came up and encouraged the little ones to try it . It was very sweet . And of course they took to it ' like a duck to water ' ( so sorry , it 's the best I could do at short notice ) . Secondly , Mr O let Penny out , one of the broody chickens , and off she went to get some fresh air and sunshine , when the next thing he knew , one of the cats had dived in and attacked a chick . None of us even had a clue one of the eggs had hatched , and Penny certainly didn 't , as she 'd gone off for lunch and left it there . In his haste , Mr O picked it up and tucked it in with Peggy , who prompty and unswervingly adopted it . As he picked her up to pop the chick in , another chick fell out from under her wing and fell in the water pot . Mr O quickly retrieved it and put it back under his ( or her ) mother . This is the best I can do for a photograph , at the moment : as they are very small , run round a lot and keep hiding under mum . They were about the size of sparrows when they were born . I 'm not sure what 's the cutest , chicks or ducklings . Penny has been a bit depressed , though , and when we let her out with Peggy ( who strutted up and down proudly showing off her babies ) she just stood staring at the wall for twenty minutes , but then went over to Peggy , as if to say , " One of those was mine , you know . " She reminded me alarmingly of my maternal grandmother . I do feel sorry for her , but she is still broodiPosted by ( Cheyenne , you may find the following very interesting ! ) We got up early yesterday morning , and loaded a hungry Zak into the lorry . We 'd kept him in overnight so he could be nil by mouth from 4am ( Mr O got up to take his haynet down ) . We kept Fudge in to keep him company , but all the horses had slept in the bottom field , to be as close as possible , wondering what was going on . Of course , Zak wasn 't allowed a haynet in the lorry either , which didn 't impress him . We had a good journey though , and were actually early when we got there . We hung around for a while , waiting to be seen to , while Zak whinnied at a horse through the lorry window . Eventually the vet came out , a young chap from New Zealand , and we unloaded Zak and took his boots off . We led him into what must have once been a stable , but now looked more like a kitchen . He was very good and just stood while the vet assessed him . The first thing was , that he said Zak isn 't that underweight ! We were very surprised . He said they see horses a lot worse than him . I asked if he would ride him , and he said yes . You could have knocked me down with a feather . He took blood and sedated him . At first there were just the three of us , but gradually the room filled with students . An assistant put the brace on his head , that held his mouth open ( the same as dentists use , I can 't think of the name of it right now ) and gradually they inserted the gastroscope ( up his nose ) . It obviously has a camera on the end , so you can see everything on the screen . It turns out the inside of a horse looks much like the outside of an octopus , and I wasn 't sick once , even when Zak made retching noises . It took a long time to look round the inside of his stomach , but I am thrilled and delighted to report that there were no ulcers whatsoever . Eventually the scope was removed and Zak gradually stopped sweating . Next , the vet decided to do an ultrasound scan to check there were no tumors or lumps and bumps in the wrong places . Everything was fine , except he couldn 't find his liver , as too much intPosted by My thoughts are still a bit jumbled as I try to write this . The long awaited day has finally dawned , and I have had my first lesson on Barnaby with an instructor I 've never met before , called Nicky Hunt . And I 'm so glad I did . I rode Barnaby first so she could see what he 's like , and what problems I have when I ride him , ie bending his head to the left all the time . Then after a while she got on him , to see what it is I 'm experiencing . At first I wasn 't very impressed with her riding style . She really seemed to lean back to stop him , and played with his bit to get him to go down while standing still , which really irritates me . She also said I needed to bring him into his stable and make him stand for fifteen minutes a day with side reins on , only loosly , but side reins nevertheless , in order for him to understand that he can bend round and forwards . I nearly laughed . I nearly ordered her off my property . But I let her continue , and gradually , gradually , Barnaby began to make a decent shape . My frustration has always been that I need someone to teach my horse what I want him to do , then teach me how to show the horse what I want him to do , then to put the combination together , and this has never been possible until now , so I 'm thrilled that finally someone can help us ( because , to be fair , I 've slipped into a lot of bad habits that need to be corrected , too ) . The person I used to take Max to totally overfaced him and it was all about agression , which really put me off . Today 's session was just forty minutes and it did wonders for Barnaby . Nicky was impressed when she got off , too , and said he hadn 't been half as bad as she 'd expected . At the end of the day , I could decide that Barnaby is just a hack and doesn 't need any schooling for that , but I just can 't do it . For his own sake , he needs to be using his muscles properly and working well , not just for fitness but suppleness as well . And for some reason , sitting here now , I could cry because she didn 't overface me or him , cantering was out of the question , let aloneAutumn Mist A proud momentI have come back totally exhausted from having such a fantastic time . It was all slightly surreal , partly from staying in a hotel where we used to live , the heat , the crying , the tissues , realising that my youngest daughter is now finally married . Such a stupendous day . There were no hitches , it was all beautiful . It was a civil wedding , and The Oracle and I commented in the car afterwards that the words were just as moving and meaningful as a church ceremony ( and just as nerve wracking for the bride and groom ! ) Actually it was Duane that brought more tears to my eyes than Abby , as his love for her was so evident as he spoke his lines . The reception was wonderful , everyone was very relaxed , with good conversations between both sides of the family . It was lovely to have so many family members together , to laugh and catch up . The grandchildren nearly stole the show . And I must tell you , that my youngest son moved down to live with The Oracle in October last year , but decided he didn 't like it and came back up with them . He is going to live with some mates in Worksop . I have got my darling boy back , and I am soooooo happy . I couldn 't have had a nicer weekend . A time of total blessing . And that 's exactly what I wish the happy couple , all the years of blessing they are entitled to . After an initial visit to Paris , where I was smitten by all things french , my relationship continues to grow . I 'm learning the language , but also exploring french cuisine , fashion and film . Welcome to my little corner of Blogland . Put on the full armour of God so that you can take yor stand against the devil 's schemes . For our struggle is not against flesh and blood , but against the rulers , against the authorities , against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms . Therefore put on the full armour of God , so that when the day of evil comes , you may be able to stand your ground , and after you have done everything , to stand . The most beautiful place in Derbyshire , if not in the whole of Britain , in my humble opinion . That 's my bedroom window , second from the right . I can dream ! Actually we live about 10 minutes drive from here . |
Emma works in her father 's tobacconists shop . She falls in love with a man she thinks a gentleman but discovers too late that he only wants her for one thing . Caught in the trap so many girls have fallen into before her , Emma is forced into an unhappy marriage by an unrelenting father . Emily could hear the row going on downstairs and she stuck her fingers in her ears , burying her head under the pillows to shut out the angry words . It was warm in her bed , because she had two wool blankets and a thick eiderdown filled with duck feathers , and the sheets smelled of lavender . At night when it was cold out , she liked to burrow right down into her soft mattress , pull the covers over her head and disappear into her own world . In Emily 's secret world she could be whatever she wanted to be - a princess living in a castle with jelly and cake for tea every day . Or a lady in a fine house with a big diamond ring like Miss Concenii had - or … there Emily 's imagination ran out , because she knew so little of the world . The Vicar spoke of foreign lands sometimes , but the stories he told didn 't seem real but more like the fairytales in the old books Pa sometimes brought home for her to read . Pa was always bringing some treasure home for Emily . Usually , the bits of glass and china were chipped or cracked . ' I can 't sell them like that , Em ' lass , ' he would tell her , taking her on his knee to explain that the latest find was Derby or Coalport or Worcester porcelain and the glass cranberry or Bristol Blue or perhaps a very early Georgian wineglass with a spiral stem . ' If they were perfect they would be worth money - this scent bottle has a silver top , see - look at the hallmarks ; that little lion means it 's proper English silver and the leopard 's head means it was made in London and that one is the date letter . See those four letters ; they 're the maker 's marks but they 're a bit worn and I can 't see , but there 's a feel to this piece . That was made by a good silversmith that was and I 'm not going to scrap it even if it would bring in a couple of bob . If this was perfect it would be worth at least two pounds , perhaps more - but the cap is dented , the stopper is broken and the glass is chipped . I wouldn 't get more than a shilling . ' She thought she would like to learn all the silver hallmarks but Pa didn 't know them all . He needed a reference book , so he 'd told her . Emily decided that one day , when she had lots of money , she would buy him one , to say thank you for all he gave her Pa nodded and kissed the top of her head . ' That 's right , lass . Always remember when you buy something to buy quality . If it 's damaged it will come cheap and that way you can afford things you 'd never otherwise be able to own . ' In Emily 's eyes the fact that her father had given her the treasure and took the time to explain what it was , where it was made and what it was for , meant more than the item itself . She liked to be close to Pa , to smell his own particular smell and feel safe in his arms . Emily knew her father loved her . She wasn 't sure if her mother even liked her , though sometimes she would smile and tell her to fetch out the biscuits or cakes , though she more often received a smack on the legs than a kiss . The row seemed to go on for longer than usual that night . Driven at last by a kind of desperate curiosity , she crept down the uncarpeted wooden stairs , avoiding the one that creaked , to stand behind the door that closed the stairs off from the kitchen . Because it wasn 't shut properly , Emily could hear what her parents were saying . Pa 's tone was calm and reasonable , the same as always . ' Miss Concenii has been with him for years and nursed him devotedly this last year . The lawyer said he changed his will two months ago . I was the main beneficiary in the first one - most of the money and the house and contents … but then he changed it . ' ' And we know who 's behind that , don 't we ? ' Ma said in a sullen tone . ' She must have guided his hand . I told you to go and see him . I would have had him here and looked after him myself if you 'd bothered to do something about it - but you 're always the same . You just leave things and now we 've been cheated out of a fortune . ' ' She can 't have that , it 's too valuable , ' Ma said . ' Give it to me . I 'll look after it for her until she 's older . ' Emily heard her mother give a squeak of pleasure . Obviously , the bequest had pleased her . Emily craned forward to peep round the door and look . She could see something on the kitchen table . It flashed in the light and she thought it must be diamonds , though there were blue stones too . ' I can see that but it 's not worth as much as a house - and three hundred pounds . Think what we could have done with all that , Joe . You 've been cheated of your fortune but you haven 't the sense to see it . ' Ma was in a right temper . Emily turned and went back up to her bedroom . She ran across the stained boards and jumped into bed . Her feet had turned cold standing on the stairs listening to her parents and her mind was full of pictures that troubled her . What had Miss Concenii done to poor Uncle Albert to make him sign his house and most of his money and possessions over to her ? Emily 's eyes stung with tears that trickled down her cheeks . She didn 't mind much that they wouldn 't be rich . Fifty pounds sounded a lot to her and she was curious about the ring Pa was keeping for her - but she hoped Uncle Albert hadn 't been made unhappy when he was ill . She felt sad for him having his hand guided and she felt sad for her father , because he 'd lost his fortune . Joe Carter worked hard from early in the morning to late at night , mucking out the horses and the cows , milking and watering and feeding the stock . His was only a small farm and he eked out a scarce living from his pigs , cows , ducks and chickens . He had one ten acre field put down to arable , which he alternated between barley , rye , wheat and potatoes , with a patch for vegetables for the house . He worked alone most of the time , though there was a lad of sixteen who came to help with the jobs he couldn 't manage alone . Bert was a little slow in his head but strong and a good worker . No one else would employ him , because he couldn 't be left to do a job alone , but Pa gave him a shilling now and then and he was always hanging around the yard , grinning at nothing in particular and eager to help . Because he was harmless and would do anything , Ma tolerated him and if there was nothing else for him to do she asked him to chop the logs for her . When Pa had nothing much to do on the land he went out buying the things other people threw away . He had a barn filled almost to the rafters with old furniture . Ma said it was all junk , but Emily had seen some things she thought looked nice . Pa had shown her some chairs with turned legs and a wide carved splat at the back , which he said were Georgian . He 'd told her they were quality when new , but he 'd only got five of a set of six and two of them had broken legs . One day he hoped to mend the legs but he was always looking for a single chair that would match the set - because a set of six was worth a lot more than five . Best of all Emily liked the selection of silver bits , china and glass that Pa kept in a cabinet in the barn . She liked the delicate silver jug with a shaped foot Pa said was Georgian , the little enamelled snuff or pill boxes with pictures on the lids - and the silver box that opened to reveal a singing bird . That was lovely and Emily would have loved to own it , but Pa had to sell his nice things because there wasn 't enough money coming in from the land . He 'd talked of having a shop in Ely one day , but Ma told him he was daft because he could never afford to pay the rent . ' She 's not feeling very clever at the moment , ' he said , looking up at her . She was stunned as she saw the expression of despair in his eyes . Pa never looked like that no matter how bad things were . ' Your Ma 's lost the baby , Em ' . It was lucky I was here to get her upstairs . I sent Bert for the doctor but he was out visiting another patient . By the time he got here , three hours after Bert went for him , it was too late … He was sorry but there was nothing he could do … ' ' Oh Pa … ' Emily 's throat was tight and she was sad that her mother had lost the new baby . How could you lose a baby when it wasn 't even here ? At least , Emily hadn 't seen it . ' I don 't understand properly … ' ' Come here , love , ' he said and opened his arms . She crawled on to his lap and he kissed the top of her head . ' It 's time you understood these things , Em ' . The new baby was in your Ma 's tummy - or her womb , as it 's properly called . It shouldn 't have come out for another four months . ' ' You were starting to clear up when I came down . You 'll have to do that for a while , Em ' . It means no school for at least a couple of weeks , perhaps longer . ' Emily 's heart sank but she didn 't let her father see she was upset . It was her place to look after her mother while she was ill and she would . Besides , she would have done anything to take that sad defeated look from her father 's face . He was silent for a moment , then , ' In a way it was , Em ' . You see your Ma could have married anyone . She was pretty the way you are - all dark hair and eyes too big for your face . I promised her I 'd be rich one day and she believed me , but all I 've done is disappoint her . ' Emily puzzled over the rest of what he 'd said . How could Ma be disappointed in him when he worked all hours for them ? It wasn 't his fault that it rained and the wheat went down in the fields and was half ruined ; he didn 't rule the low price of potatoes when there was a glut - and he couldn 't help it if a cow died in calf … Thinking about the cow that died , Emily remembered the farmer bringing the bull to her some months earlier . She 'd hidden behind the barn and watched what happened … it was sort of awful but fascinating to watch at the same time . Now she wondered if that was how Ma and Pa made the baby but it seemed improbable and unpleasant so she decided it couldn 't be the same for people . ' I 'd better get on , ' she said . He nodded and let her go . For a moment he sat in his chair and then he took down his pipe . His tobacco jar was filled , because he 'd allowed himself a little money from Uncle Albert 's bequest , and he lit the pipe , smoking as Emily cleared the table and washed the dirty dishes . She looked round and saw a pile of ironing waiting to be done . The flat iron was near the range so it looked as if Ma had been about to put it on to heat up when she lost the baby . Emily stuck it on the range , which was hot . Pa must have made the fire up at some time during the day . As Emily was putting the old sheets on the table in readiness for the ironing a woman came down the stairs . Her name was Granny Sawle and she lived with her husband in a cottage at the edge of the village . ' She 's settled now and will sleep , ' she said to Pa . He nodded and took some coins from his pocket , offering them to her . ' I don 't need paying , Joe . Stella has been good to me . She helped me out last winter when my Tom was down with the agues . I 'm sorry we lost the boy but it was much too early . Even if the doctor had got here sooner I doubt the babe would have lived . ' Pa nodded but didn 't say anything more . She gave him a pitying look and then turned to Emily . Her dress was black and she had on a plaid shawl over her shoulders , her hair rolled tight into a bun at the nape of her neck . Emily could smell carbolic soap on her hands . ' Your Pa 's upset over losing his son and heir , ' she said . ' As for your Ma , she 's devastated . You 've got to be brave and look after them both , Emily love . If you need me - or you 're worried - just send Bert to fetch me . ' Emily carried on with the ironing . Her mother didn 't normally allow her to do it , because she said Emily might burn herself on the iron if it was too hot and she liked her things just so . Emily couldn 't put as much pressure on as Ma but she could make these towels and her Pa 's long - johns and shirt look all right . Her father didn 't look at her . He seemed lost in his thoughts and after a few minutes he got up and went outside . He didn 't speak to Emily and she knew he was too upset , but she missed his smile and hoped it wouldn 't be long before he would be back to normal . Clearly he was upset about losing his son and heir , like Granny Sawle had said , because he always had a smile and a word for Emily . She finished the ironing and was wondering what to do when the door opened and a young man entered . Emily frowned , because she didn 't like her uncle very much . He was her mother 's brother and Ma thought the world of him , but there was something about the way he looked at Emily that made her feel he wasn 't to be trusted . Derek sat down abruptly , the colour washing from his face . ' I told the stupid woman not to do so much . She ought to have had help while she was pregnant . If your father had anything about him he would have got a girl in to help out . ' ' What can you do ? A bit of washing up or ironing ? What about making the butter , scrubbing floors and all the rest of it . Stella works too hard and always has done . She should never have married that loser . ' ' Don 't talk about Pa that way … ' Emily was furious . She had the still warm iron in her hand and without thinking just threw it at him . It missed and fell a few inches short but it shook him . For a moment he stared at her , his eyes narrowed in anger . ' You want to watch that temper , girl . What you need is a good smacking … ' ' You little bitch … ' Derek lunged at her , grabbed her by the arm and hauled her across his knee . He slapped her hard several times and she gasped with pain but struggled and then nipped his leg through his trouser . He yelled and hit her harder . ' Hurts your pride does it ? ' he said and then his hand caressed her backside through her knickers . ' Rub it better shall I ? ' His hand had slipped beneath the cotton drawers and he was caressing her bottom . She felt a surge of revulsion mixed with anger and bit his bare arm hard . Derek shouted with pain and jerked . She rolled off his lap and ran across the kitchen , pulling open the back door and making a run for it . Her heart beating wildly as she made her escape , she fled through the yard and out into the fields beyond . The air was cold and damp but she hardly noticed in her panic . Derek was horrid ! She hated him now . What did he think he was doing , pretending to make it better after he 'd hurt her ? The thought of him touching her made her feel sick and dirty . She didn 't know why , but it had seemed wrong and nasty and she would have done anything to get away . If Emily had dared to tell her father he might have sent her uncle packing but she couldn 't do that , because it would cause another quarrel between her parents . Ma thought the world of Derek . He could never do anything wrong and she was always telling Pa how much better her brother was at farming than he could ever be . All Emily had done was to throw the iron at him in a fit of temper , because he 'd been rude about Pa - and he 'd punished her . Pa never hit Ma whatever she said or did . He just looked at her in his hurt way and went out without speaking . Derek was a bully and he made her feel uncomfortable whenever he touched her . She made a bolt for the open fields . Ma was sleeping and if Derek woke her up she wouldn 't want Emily around . All Ma really cared for was her brother and money - and apparently , the son she 'd lost . The son and heir that had made Pa lose his smile . The tears building inside her , Emily ran and ran . She climbed the stile at the edge of her father 's meadow , where the cows were feeding on the meagre grass , raced across the dividing lane and scrambled over the stile into the next meadow , where she threw herself down on the damp grass and wept . The ground was soaking wet , because it had been raining and heavy clouds scudded across the sky even now . It was getting darker and turning much colder . Emily was too miserable to notice . She didn 't know why she was so miserable but her life just seemed to get worse and worse . She 'd always been able to run to her father , but now suddenly she felt alone , forced to stand up for herself . Emily cried for a while longer and then sat up and wiped the tears from her cheeks . She was chilled because she didn 't have a coat but she didn 't want to go back to the house in case Derek was still there . Instead , she stood up and looked about her . She saw a youth riding on a pony and there were two smaller girls with him . It was almost dark now and she couldn 't see them properly until they came closer . Until this moment she hadn 't realised that she was on private land , because she knew now that these fields belonged to Lord Barton . Pa had warned her not to play here but she hadn 't thought about it when she jumped over the stile from her father 's land into the lane and crossed it . She wondered whether to run away but curiosity made her stay where she was a little longer . Emily liked horses , even though all Pa had was a couple of heavy horses that pulled the plough and the wagon . She could see that the ponies the children were riding were beautiful ; a grey with a silvery mane and two chestnuts . For a moment she felt a pang of envy as the well - dressed children rode up to her . The girls were both wearing riding habits , short jackets over long divided skirts under which were some kind of trousers . The youth had tight - fitting breeches , long brown boots with the tops turned down and a tweed jacket that fitted to his shoulders and waist . His stock was white and he wore a black velvet cap on his head , his gloves of tan leather ; in his hand he carried a riding crop . Emily had seen people dressed like that riding through the village now and then , and on the road when Pa took her into Ely on the wagon and she knew they were rich . Her head went up and she stared at the youth boldly , expecting to be told she was trespassing . ' She must be the Carters ' girl , ' the elder of the two girls with him said , looking at Emily curiously . ' Have you been lying on the ground ? Your dress is muddy and so is your face . ' ' It doesn 't matter , ' the youth said . ' I 'm Nicolas . My father owns these fields - at least Granny does . Father had his own estate until we moved here . ' ' Do you have to be rude , Amy ? I 'm just being friendly . Emily is clearly upset about something . ' He gazed down at her , kind but autocratic , seeing her as the common little girl his sister thought she was . ' Is there anything I can do to help you ? ' ' No thank you , I can manage . ' Emily looked at him proudly . She didn 't want anyone to feel sorry for her , even though she 'd been feeling sorry for herself a few minutes earlier . ' I 'm sorry to have trespassed … ' She turned and ran back the way she 'd come earlier . She was cold , dirty , humiliated and envious . The clothes those girls were wearing and their ponies told their own story ; they were gentle folk and she was a common farm girl . Emily had always known there was a difference but it had never been brought home to her in that way before . Nicolas had been kind and the younger girl might have been , had Emily given her the chance but she didn 't want their kindness when she knew what they must be thinking of her . Looking down at the dress her mother had washed and patched so many times that it was little more than a rag , Emily felt ashamed . Most of the girls in her school had dresses their mothers had mended more than once and she 'd never really bothered what she looked like before , but the look in that posh girl 's eyes had made her squirm . Wiping the dirt from her face with the sleeve of her dress , Emily made a vow . One day she would have proper clothes - not the shapeless things her mother made on her treadle machine , out of remnants from the market or the cut - down dresses that came from second - hand stalls , but stylish clothes - like Miss Concenii had worn that day they visited Uncle Albert . She would have a big diamond ring too , though she loved the pretty daisy - shaped ring of different coloured stones that was her bequest from Uncle Albert . Her father had shown it to her , telling her that it was a keepsake ring and had belonged to Uncle Albert 's mother . All the stones were a different colour and the first letter of each stone spelled the word Regard . ' That 's a ruby , emerald , garnet , agate , ruby again and diamond , ' Pa had said , pointing to each stone in turn and then he locked the ring in a tin box in his rolltop desk with his other papers and important things . She could have it when she was seventeen but not before because it was too precious for a child to wear . ' There you be , little miss . Your Pa be looking for you - and he bain 't pleased . He baint pleased ' cos you ran off and left your Ma alone in the house . ' ' Derek was there , ' Emily muttered but ran across uneven cobbles towards the back door . The black paint was peeling off in lumps and it looked dilapidated in the fading light , as did most of the sheds and the house itself . Emily hadn 't realised how poor they were until now . She was used to the shabby interior and the chairs that didn 't match ; they hadn 't mattered but suddenly they did and she felt resentful . How dare that posh girl look down her nose at her ! ' Your mother wants a cup of tea . Do you think you could manage that - or will you run off again as soon as I 've gone ? ' The tone in his voice was one that Emily hadn 't heard before and it stung her . Pa was cross with her . He was never cross with Emily , but he was now . She felt as if she 'd been beaten black and blue as she stared at him . Pa 's eyes were narrowed and angry . Emily was shivering inside but she lifted her head and gave him a proud look , then shook her head . She couldn 't tell him about that humiliating episode with her uncle . Emily had always felt secure in her father 's love , but now she wasn 't quite sure . Ma had lost the son he 'd wanted - Granny Sawle had told her so . Perhaps he was so disappointed that he no longer cared about Emily in the same way . Choking back her hurt , Emily went to fill the large copper kettle and set it on the range to boil . The outside of the kettle was blackened by use but the inside was clean because her mother scoured it out to keep it shiny . Emily hadn 't truly realised how hard Ma worked to keep things right , but in the next few days she was going to learn . I am feeling very pleased about the way things are going with my new saga . The Downstairs Maid is due to be published on 22 . 06 . 14 , and already the preorders have been a fair way up the kindle listings , even making a brief appearance in the top 100 of Military . I was a bit surprised it should be in that list until I saw some of the other books and realised that all kinds of stories may qualify for this list . The Downstairs Maid has links to WW1 although it is more truly a saga , of course . I hope to post an excerpt here shortly but I 'm just waiting to clear it with my publisher . Hope to see you here soon . Rosie Clarke now has a presence on the Ebury website . There is a bio , a picture of me and the announcement of the new book , coming next year . I think about May 2014 but I will update the website as news comes in about progress . This is the story of a young girl growing up on her father 's smallholding in the Fens . Emily doesn 't truly think about being poor , except when she has to hide under the kitchen table so that the tallyman doesn 't know anyone is home . So when she meets the children from the Big House on their ponies on the day she learns that her father wants a son more than anything else in the world , it comes as a shock to be described as a dirty little farm girl . I have for some years been enjoying holidays in the Marbella area of Spain . We stay at a pleasant apartment in Miraflores , which overlooks the sea and a downsweep of trees , white villas and apartments , swimming pools and tennis courts . There is always something to watch from the balcony , whether the children learning to play tennis or ships at sea or merely the sun dancing like a shower of diamonds on the sea . The sky is nearly always blue with the occasional fluffy white cloud drifting by . This time we got more cloud and some wind , but the warmth is delightful after the English winter . We have two favourite restuarants ; one is in Fuengirola and called Portofino . We 've been going there so many years that the owner and his waiters are like friends , and the proprieter is a very amusing man who makes lots of jokes . His wife is the cook and the food is fantastic . The other restaurant is in Marbella and is called Da Bruno . This is a beautiful and impressive place , smart but relaxed and clean . Some of the food served here is out of this world . I sampled Lobster linguinni this time and it was delicious , but there are many lovely dishes here . ( may not have spelled linguinni right ) . The puddings here are simply delicious . I particularly enjoy the flambe dishes they cook at the table - Crepes Suzette and flambed fruit - wonderful . It really adds to the holiday to visit a restaurant like this one and enjoy special food . When in Spain I love to swim in one of the pools close by or walk by the sea . I also love to shop , particularly for fancy shoes and I have several pairs of lovely sandals bought from a smart shop in Marbella or Fuengerola . When we first went out , we visited a lot of different towns and resorts to see the bullrings and various views but these days we spend most of our time either in Marbella or at Miraflores , where we relax in the sun . Although I invariably do some work . I never go anywhere without my computer and I work on my books for an hour or so in the morning or perhaps in the evening for a short time . These are the things that make wonderful memories for years to come . I took the pictures on my ipad , which I love . I didn 't know what I was missing before I had it , but I enjoy it so much - the pictures , the iplayer , the music and the internet all in one clever pad ! |
I know I haven 't updated in months even though I said I was going to but I haven 't had much to say really . I lost my job in May because the manager of the government lockbox doesn 't like me . It wasn 't because I wasn 't good at the job or had excessive absences . I exceeded the speed , my accuracy was off the charts and I never missed . I 'm just not good with people like at all . I collected unemployment all summer . I have an interview on Monday for a chiropractic office . I hope I get it because I need / want to pay my bills this month . I don 't want to talk about politics with anyone . I think Donald Trump is a doof . I fear for everyone if he is elected . I don 't get how anyone likes that man . I 'm still trying to be on a diet but haven 't lost anything . I always say I should stop just walking past the treadmill we have in the living room . But I absolutely hate doing things and going anywhere after work . I don 't see the point of just doing it on the weekend . You have to burn 3500 calories to lose one pound . I 'd have to walk 21 miles or 7 hours . Yes , I 'm aware that I have a sit down job but I 'm old and tired . Work was pretty uneventful this week . We had one of our biggest accounts come in and everyone likes to do this one because the entire thing is typed out . Every year they bring in new people when we get really busy and it seems like they have scraped the bottom of the barrel finding these people but for some reason the people they have brought in now are even worse than the ones they brought in before . The people that are used to doing it had to go triple speed so we could get out the items per hour they want . Not only that , we have to process forms instead of loading the system or doing other jobs because these people can only do about 30 items per hour instead of 85 . I guess that 's job security for me . I love it actually . It 's 5 miles from my house and I come home for lunch every day . I got permission to leave early because my family has all of the little kids go to my aunt 's house to dye Easter eggs . But then she changed it to Saturday instead . So we went and go all of shopping done on Friday . I bought a huge thing of cupcakes to bring to this party . And some tulips for my aunt because she always ends up with a whole house full of people and a huge mess . It was fun . I took a ton of pictures . I think I 'm the only person who still carries around a real digital camera though . I was talking to my cousin 's fiancée ' and I guess he started a delivery company and now Jessica wants a van instead and they asked me if I want my car back when they do . I have to think about it really . I mean I LOVED that car more than most humans but now it has over 120 , 000 miles on it and it was stolen . They said they were going to fix it first . I guess I can have my brother look at it after I get it back and sell it ? I don 't know . It isn 't like I actually go places anyway other than work and shopping . I guess I would have to get a cell phone just in case . I started writing like I 've always wanted . I still have the same inspiration . He 's beautiful and I swear I 've almost played the whole story out in my head . I have no idea who I would ever ask to proofread it though or if it 's any good . But I 'm about 10 pages in anyway . I don 't know what it is about him . I got all of my prescriptions filled on Friday . That cost me $ 66 . I got my nasal spray for allergies because not much of anything seems to be helping . I 've started to feel sick at work . I 've also started carrying around snack bars ( I don 't want to say granola because let 's face it , they really aren 't anymore ) because when I got sick at work I was mad I didn 't have any food with me just sick on candy . That sucked ! ! But the one that really got me was the heart medication I take to prevent migraines . That was $ 30 all by itself but if I take that I don 't get headaches 3 or more times a week . I 'd say the trade off is worth it . But I did get the medicine for the headache just in case . We were planning on going shopping today but my brother forgot and my mom doesn 't feel good . I saw a dress I wanted . This summer I 'll have 3 wedding showers and 2 weddings to go to . I also want to go spend a couple hundred dollars at the Disney store which is way cheaper than going to Florida for a couple weeks like I really want to do . I would still rather go there instead of anywhere else . Alright I guess that 's it . I 'm doing laundry and catching up on missed TV which is pretty much my weekends . I seriously need to get a life . Alright I 'm back ! ! I stopped writing because I had this guy follow me on Twitter and he said he liked what I wrote . That isn 't the problem . Ydoucare isn 't my real name obviously . In one of my first posts I wrote that I didn 't want anyone to know what my real name is because on Twitter and my blog I wanted to be able to say whatever I wanted and not have to worry about anyone finding out what my real name was or be offended by anything I said . I mean I 've heard of people losing out on jobs because of things they said . People want other people to be squeaky clean and never say anything wrong . This guy however searched me out by my profile picture and found out my real name and all of my accounts and then told me he did it . I mean I know that people look around for interesting people and then want to find out more . Everyone does that but what he did was way over the top . After that I never got over just how creepy that was . He would try to talk to me through a reply on Twitter every once in a while and I 'd get mad that he was talking to me at all . Finally after almost 2 years he unfollowed me . I could have blocked him and not ever worried about but I didn 't . I 'm not sure why . I did finally put my own picture back up again . I think I look good in that picture at least . Most of the time I don 't allow it to be taken . However , if I know you and you want to know what my real name is , just ask me . I 'll tell you and you are more than welcome to find me on Face book . I post pictures there . You can meet my whole family . We can become real friends ! ! I 'd like that . I have some of the same friends on both of my accounts . Just don 't do anything creepy like that guy did . Ask me anything and I will tell you the answer . As I 've gotten older I 'm a real tell it like it is person . A couple of years ago I told you about Jeff . I was engaged to him years ago . He wanted to go into the Air Force and live overseas . I didn 't want to go so I ruined the relationship . I was awful to him . I could have been a grown up but I wasn 't . He found me on Face book and I got to give him the apology that he deserved . And then his wife wanted to be my friend too after he spent an afternoon telling me how awful she is . I didn 't accept her . It also didn 't take me long to remember why things wouldn 't have worked out between up . He got on my nerves way back then I just forgot about it . Besides why would he ever tell me about his sex life or lack thereof with his wife after getting in contact with me again ? One of my friends told me that she thinks he wants me a side piece . NOT HAPPENING ! ! I 'm not a whore . Besides he doesn 't live in Michigan anymore . I ended up deleting him again a while ago . He started posting a bunch of political things none of which I agreed with . You can 't tell me that your wife only sleeps with girl 's now and then gay bash ANYONE ! ! And he is a republican which I find even more offensive . So Jeff and I are done again . I also dumped my 2 celebrity crushes . Their significant others just gross me out and I couldn 't watch it anymore . Besides that I couldn 't watch people suck up to these girls because of these guys ! ! I just couldn 't anymore ! ! I found a new one . He is just so stinking cute and older than these other guys . Not that I have any kind of shot . I 'm not crazy . However , if I did I could spend days and days just listening to him talk . He could read me the dictionary with his English accent and I would just feel all warm inside . Did I mention I 'm not crazy ? I have started to admit just how weird I am so I guess that 's progress . I 've also wanted to try writing stories and he inspires me . I have a main character . I don 't know what it is about him . He is at a convention in Ohio right now . Had I realized the dates were close enough as well as the location I would have asked Melissa to meet me and gotten a hotel room for tonight and we could have gone ? We like some of the same things and I 've always wanted to go to more things like this and never had anyone to go with . I don 't mind paying for extra things if I have the money . I mean renewing my Costco membership could have waited ! Okay what else - I have a job working in a bank , not dealing with the public ( BONUS ! ! ) and doing data entry in a lockbox . I 've made new friends in real life there . It 's pretty cool . Up until now I never realized that businesses pay their taxes monthly . Payroll companies have to turn their withholding taxes in by the 20th every month and we get real busy then . But in the summers , well from about May thru December I 'm off for about a week or so every month . What 's not to love about this ? ! Since my house is paid off with the lottery money my part of the rent is the cable bill . Other than that I have health insurance ( I 'll get back to this in a minute ) and a student loan bill ( this too . ) I don 't even have a cell phone . I can make enough money to pay all of these things in 2 weeks . And I get to be on vacation every month ! ! ! WHOO - HOOOOO ! ! ! ! Just not right now because it is tax season . I share the car with my mom because she is retired and doesn 't really go anywhere so I don 't have that payment either . The bank brings in a bunch of people to help with the volume of forms that come in . We started out loading the system for them bit then it ended up them loading the system for us because they suck so hard at making sure the forms are entered correctly they couldn 't take the people out of it that can do the volume at the speed they are asking for . The one and only time they even tried was on the day that we got to go home after the deadline was met . Up until now it was " get your speed up or you 're out " now it just isn 't . I have no idea what 's going on . They want you to be able to do around 90 an hour with almost perfect accuracy . I do just fine . The last time I was timed on single paged forms with no checks I was able to do 240 . And they like me there . I don 't know why . I 'm a jerk . I still don 't warm up to new people easily . I didn 't talk all that much for the first 6 months I was there . I don 't trust easily either . I 've been screwed over too many times to count and I spent all this time thinking I would be let go in a moment 's notice . But some to find out they don 't let people go for just their errors . It has to be something else too . I wish they would have led with that . I spent so much time panicked about it for absolutely nothing . Oh I gave my car to my cousin . She needed it and I didn 't . I wasn 't working yet and I wasn 't sure if it would even be a good car after I did get a job and was able to have it worked on . It was fine . I worried for nothing but she still needs it and I still don 't . But she had it for a couple months and her boyfriend who is a complete doorknob left the keys in it at a gas station and it was stolen . They got it back but the part of front end is ripped off . She has 3 kids and is only 22 ( ? ) and her boyfriend is still a doorknob . I really hope she doesn 't end up married to him . I paid off my personal student loan and am paying $ 164 on another one . My biggest one is on hold because I guess the government is writing off all of the student loan debts from Everest because they promised people jobs after they graduated but they never followed through with the placement of the students . Not only that the loan company never once checked my credit and they ended loaning me $ 62 , 000 with interest and the cap is $ 57 , 000 . But I owe another company $ 12 , 000 . Yes , I 'm completely aware that is a ton of money for a degree I can 't use . I was offered training at right about the same time I got this job as a temp in a billing service but she could promise me that it would turn into a real position or how long it would last . The one at the bank I thought it would at least last around 5 or 6 . It was a year in the beginning of December . I really like it most days . I met some great people and I got to come home for lunch most days . It 's great ! ! That really breaks up the day . One day I decided I wanted finger nails so I stopped biting them . And right now I 'm trying really hard to be on a diet . I gave up junk food ( well mostly ) and I 'm trying to eat better . I 'm also taking vitamins that are supposed to increase my metabolism and give me energy and these other pills that are supposed to do the same thing but they are diet pills . It 's only been 2 weeks . But if I was really smart I would stop just walking past the treadmill on my way into the kitchen . I really don 't like the way I look and have to remind myself of that every time I wish I was in Ohio this weekend . I somehow talked my brother into redoing the bathrooms and the kitchen in the house . I bought all of the stuff for mine first because I have a leak and my floor needs to be replaced . And it 's been sitting in my hallway for months . He always seems to find an excuse not to do it and right now it 's because my mom is babysitting for the boys because Shannon went back to school . And other than that I don 't think I have anything else to report . I still don 't date but since I 've been working my attitude has improved somewhat . I do think more of myself . I know I 'm a good and giving person and a , slowly coming around to believing I have a lot to offer . I don 't know we 'll see . I 'm really sarcastic when it comes to my sense of humor and people seem to think I 'm pretty funny . I always seem to have something really smart ass to say about something or someone . But I 'm really hard to get to know . Oh and I still watch entirely too much TV . Even more now since it 's my bill and I have to pay it , I had all of the channels put on it . Anyway , I think I 'm going to start writing every couple of weeks again . This has always been one of the best ways for me to work through some things . It always helped me . I always did this for me and my Twitter stalker took it from me . I 'm not really sure I have all that much to write about but I figured I 'd give it a shot anyway . But you know every time I say I don 't have that much to write about I end up writing pages . Hopefully that won 't really happen . I 'm out of school because I hit the cap which means that I can 't get anymore student loans . I 'm absolutely okay with this . I hate school anyway . I went back because I was ready and liked it well enough until I had to take algebra which I never understood why I would need this anyway . I don 't need algebra to figure out how big my living room is , what size kiddie pool is going to fit in the yard or balance my checkbook . But this time I went back because I couldn 't find a job ( still can 't . I 'll get to that in a minute ) and couldn 't pay my student loans . 3 of those I could probably get a hardship forbearance or deferment ( whatever ) but one other one will not help me at all with anything . They are complete ass holes about it . In fact , they canceled my deferment or forbearance once there was a gap in classes . I finished in mid March and the next set of classes didn 't start until May 12th . Every time I ever said I was still in school and this loan should still be deferred I was ignored . But the funny thing is after all this time they never called me , just sent an occasional email . The really funny thing is I have another student loan with them and that one is still deferred at least until they figure out that I was never able to go back . The part I 'm most disappointed with a bout leaving school is that they didn 't give me the rest of my student loan money back . It wasn 't enough to be able to take any classes but it was enough so that I could have made do for the summer . I could have paid some things , done some things , gone some places , and bought some things I needed . Yes , I realize I would have had to pay it back later . I broke every computer we have in the house . I need a DC jack and have broken right and left brackets , I blew my mom 's keyboard while playing games on FB when it got too hot and shut off and then the night we went to go see Rent I spilled a few drops ( I hope it was only a few drops ) of coffee into it and now it won 't start up at all . I didn 't tell my mom about that . I think she is disapointed in me quite enough . I was given a desk top computer by my uncle who works in a bank and every couple of years they replace everything and give them away . It has Windows 2000 for office on it or something and I can 't get anything to come up on it . I can only get part of my home page and it won 't let me look at anything else . When I take all of these computers in to get fixed I was going to see if it could be striped and have a usable Windows put on it . Right now it 's just taking up all kids of space in my room . I got my mini computer to work again by slpicing the power cord TWICE but this one has no speed and I can 't do much of anything on it . I can only see videos if they are on Youtube and even then they can 't be too long and up until I think last week I wasn 't able to see anything on Instagram . I can 't play games , I can 't even accept the requests anymore . I have been looking for a job , have had several interviews and some of them I thought went pretty well . However , some where in between the phone call of can you come in for the interview and the actually hiring process , something goes horribly wrong . Either I make the absolute worst first impression ever or my references aren 't checking out somehow . I gave them the human resources phone number for all of my references and no my actual supervisors and if you are in human resources you should know that it is illegal for them to say anything bad about me because not one of them have any direct knowledge of me one way or another . In order to give any information at all legally , they have to have worked with me . The only thing human resources can do is verify employment . I 'm not sure they are even doing that much . To make a long story even longer , I 'm having all kinds of trouble with this . Now on applications I put on in all the time I was in college I was able to stay off of work because my brother won the lottery and paid everything off and every time I thought about getting something at least part time something would happen like my mom got cancer , I broke my foot , she broke her hand , etc . But all of that is because they say if you stay off for too long you aren 't hireable which if I had to guess is 100 % correct . I wouldn 't think that my friends I listed as personal references would say anything bad or at least I hope not . I started working out . For a while I was walking on the treadmill for 3 miles per day to burn 3500 calories per week to lose a pound of fat but I still ate whatever I wanted so that didn 't work . My mom gets a membership to the Romulus Athletic Club free with her insurance and it cost her $ 5 each time she wanted to take me so we went there . I have a memebership there too now . I mostly lift weights after riding the bike for 2 miles to warm up . But I was still eating whatever I wanted and nothing was happening . So now we go about every other day and lift more weights than anything because I 'm hoping to lose flab and reshape . I finally cut out all junkfood . This meant looking for real food if I was hungry instead of eating a danish for lunch or something because I didn 't feel like making anything or popcorn for dinner because no one else in the house made anything . After 12 days I lost 5 pounds . I 'm thrilled about this and want to keep going . I also want chocolate but getting to how I want to look is stronger for the first time ever . I want to lose probably 15 more pounds or at least that is what I 'm hoping for . Most of the guys that go to the gym are really old or super cheesy . By that I mean the ones that are younger who seem to be working out to get a larger upper body . There is one who not only does that but has long hair and a bunch of tattoos . You know the ones that can 't even put their arms down to their sides correctly ? To be clear , I don 't have anything against tattoos . They can be super hot on the right person . But someone who looks like they are compensating for something like being short but having a huge upper body aren 't hot at all it just adds to the cheddar . It 's weird . There is one guy there that I 'm really attracted to and I honestly have no idea why . He is kind of cute , but looks like he may have had a bad case of acne at one time , he has dark hair and isn 't really big with muscles , he 's fit and apparently had blue eyes which I actually got close enough to see on Saturday . The weird thing is he seemed to go through his workout 2 or 3 times then . Maybe it was because he is now doing something else during the week because I haven 't seen him and was making up for lost time . I 'm sure it has nothing to do with me which is just as well . I have no idea how to date anymore . It 's been 13 years now since I 've dated or anything else for that matter . I 'd screw it up . I know it . Besides that until I get a job I 'm not sure I have anything to offer . What guy wants to go out with a girl knowing he is going to have to pay for everything all the time ? That isn 't much of a partnership . I wouldn 't even be able to pay for my own drink if we went to a bar or something . We took the kids to the club to swim in the pool just over a week ago and I have been recovering from that sunburn since but now I also have a tan . I never used to get one before we went to Florida for 12 days in 2010 . I think I look so much better with a little bit of color even if now you can see all of my scars . I found chicken pox scars I didn 't know I had . But mostly I feel better about myself with the weight loss and the tan . Mabye if I lose a little more I will try on that bikini dnd try to get a little color on my glow in the dark middle section . I 'm so many different colors right now it 's hilarious . What else ? Uh I still miss my youngest brother . He still isn 't talking to any of us and we have absolutely no idea what happened . I will admit that some times I 'm not the nicest person in the world but I don 't think whatever I did was bad enough for him to hate me / us . I 'm always going to wonder what happened . I guess he had been distant for quite a while . Maybe we didn 't see each other or make an effort but he didn 't live that close . I just hope he didn 't think we were using him for his job . We weren ' but him being a mechanic sure made things easier on us . Speaking of , I tried to give my car away . I decided that I really don 't want it because I look at it and see everything I 've lost including that car and I don 't want to look at it anymore . I 'm not sure if it 's fixable but I 'm not sure I want to find out either . I 'd hate to put all kinds of money into it and then have to keep putting more and more money into it to keep it working to go to a job that I hate that is far away . My luck is terrible . I can 't see that just because there was absolutely nothing wrong with it when it was parked that there is still not too much wrong with it now . I can see having to have it towed all of the time as it breaks down all the time . Maybe I 'll find a place to donate it to but I would still have to find my missing brother to have him sign the title . 2 of my cousins said they wanted it but now I guess they don 't , who knows ? My mom came home last night and said that my one cousin has a van that just broke down again and they just got it fixed so I guess that means she doesn 't want my car then ? What else ? I had to unfriend someone on FB that I have known for years and years because she is a poor republican who doesn 't believe in equal rights and every time she posts something to that effect I want to smack the crap out of her . It was better for me anyway . I 'm an angry enough person without having that in my life . I never said anything to her about her posts no matter how bad I wanted to . I have an aunt that I sometimes do say something to about her views . She doesn 't believe that everyone has a right to healthcare because she thinks no one can afford it and it is what her taxes are going for . I politely pointed out that she is completely wrong . She thinks that you shouldn 't be able to ask for help even if you aren 't making ends meet . You should get 3 jobs if you have to . I asked her what she would have done if when her kids were little would she have gotten 3 jobs and let someone else raise her kids instead of taking state aid or medicaid and let someone else raise her kids for her and she wouldn 't answer me . The thing that I find so absolutely infuriating about her though is she works in the cath lab at a hospital and says she deals with billers all day long but still doesn 't think everyone should have insurance ? ! ! Right now all I seem to be doing after applying for jobs is watching my omdemand . I have found a couple series that I like that haven 't watched before . I looked around and found entire seasons of shows that I 've missed like Graceland and Orphan Black which I really like . It 's at least giving me something to do for the time being . But I 'm having a hard time not feeling guilty about it . It seems so wrong to me watching TV instead of working or at least going to college anymore . But I gotta say I love watching shows a whole season at a time . LOVE IT ! ! I hate cliffhangers and I sure don 't want to wait for more later on . I guess that 's all I have to report . Nothing exciting ever happens here . If something good happens I 'm genuinely shocked but hopefully something good happens soon . I hate my life the way it is now . I 'm so lost and stuck . I don 't know what to do and I can 't see a way out especially if no one will take a chance and hire me . I 'm not looking to be saved but is it too much to aks to have someone tell me everything will be okay ? Anyway , take care of yourself , surround yourself with people who care about you and not people whop suck the life right out of you by being around . However , my posts should make you feel better about yourself . At least you can say " whew thank god that isn 't me ! ! " Hopefully I will have something good to report long before 6 or 7 months . Much love . So until next time …… . I left out one part in my abuse entry . Granted this takes place years afterwards but the way I was treated badly didn 't really end there . I went out with some other guys , I even lived with one for a couple of years but it was always what they could get from me and eventually I decided that I had had quite enough of that and completely closed myself off . I thought being alone was being treated that way . It is too a point but I regret that I stopped trying . I could have continued going out and trying to find Mr . Right and fallen in love again and possibly gotten the life I wanted and deserved but I didn 't . I really regret that . Settling for less or nothing at all is no way to live . The time is gone before you know it and it 's time you can 't get back either . Living less than the life you want and deserve is absolutely no way to live . If you aren 't happy ( and I am really not ) it 's up to you to live the life you want , that will make you happy . I wish I had . Living this way is awful . And just like when I was in those relationships when I wish someone would have told me that I was making a mistake , I wish someone had told me that I was making a huge mistake when I closed myself off . This is not the life I wanted . Alright other than that I don 't think I have very much to report . I was really sick last week and made a doctor 's appointment and then ended up cancelling it because even if I went I couldn 't afford to get any prescriptions . My mom then gave me her antibiotic but it just so happens to be the one that I 'm allergic to so I had a reaction to it the 2 nights I took it . No shock there . School sucks . I hate it . One of my teachers is super nice and was really nice about me being sick the other one is a complete jerk . I know that she doesn 't have to be lenient if I tell her that I 'm sick but I get the feeling that even if I had gone to the ER Friday with kidney pain instead of turning in my homework and had produced a doctor 's note she would still be a complete jerk about it . I was sick as hell on the late day too . This week in the discussion questions were are talking about prejudice . I did the discussion part but I don 't really understand what they is to reply to about that kind of thing . In my other class though one of the discussion questions is a woman sued the hospital for mental distress after she wasn 't given her own blood she donated herself during surgery and won and the question was whether or not she should have . And the other one is when does control over one 's body begin and when does it end . That one turned into an abortion debate . My new career counselor sent out 200 resume faxes after she told me that it wasn 't her job to find me a job . I couldn 't believe she said that . I thought that is what placement was . But I haven 't heard anything . I 'm not really looking forward to the holidays because I have nothing to give anyone . Remember how I said this is not how I thought my life would turn out ? This is another big reason . I feel like everyone is looking down on me all the time . Like I should have figured everything out years ago . And maybe I should have but is that really for anyone else to say ? Is making me feel bad about it helping anything ? I went trick or treating with the kids and that was pretty fun even though it was really cold and rainy . Brett 's birthday party was last weekend and that was okay except for the part where they have a tiny house and when Brett was opening presents I was in the kitchen part of the room and couldn 't see a thing . So when they asked me to take pictures I asked my cousin who was sitting in the room to take pictures and she refused . So which one of us looks bad ? That 's right . Me . Thanksgiving everyone ( well not everyone , my immediate family is around 50 people ) goes to my aunt and uncles for dinner . We don 't . I haven 't gone in years . We have dinner here and then my mom goes for pie and coffee . But these are the aunt and uncle who make me feel really bad about myself every single time I see them so why would I go . For starters , my aunt is a republican and I disagree with everything she stands for and my uncle the last time I saw him told me that I need to get a full time job . On my birthday I told him that I had lost 10 pounds from my 11 day long gall bladder attack and he told me I need to lose more . I read somewhere that you need to burn 3500 calories a week to lose 1 pound of fat . In order for me to do that I would have to walk 3 miles per day everyday of the week . I don 't know if I have that in me but I 'm going to try . Or at least I keep saying that every single day and then I still walk right by the treadmill . Or I feel sick . But then I also think that if I did it it would also help with my energy and it would work out some of the anxiety I have . I hope anyway . The power came back on today after being out for 21 hours . That was torture . Last night I had no idea what to do with myself . I even considered Solitaire with Uno cards because I can 't find the 2 decks I have somewhere in my room . Although I have to say that if I was with someone playing cards or games by candlelight could have been really fun . I did read a little bit by candle light . Today my brother hooked up the generator and I was able to have coffee and watch Glee DVD 's on the computer and then when it over heated and the disc wouldn 't play right I played Solitaire on the games that come with the computer . It wasn 't bad . But I 'm glad the power came on because it was super cold . One thing 's for sure if I would have lived in the time before electricity where you had to make your own clothes I would have died . I would have died naked . So I guess that 's all I really have to report . I will write again soon . Take care of yourself and don 't settle for less . Don 't live with any kind of regret . Go after what you want and love with your whole heart . Do something nice for you . I don 't really have anything to report this week either . I 'm just coming off of a 6 day migraine . It was bad enough so that I was throwing up on Saturday and went to the urgent care on Sunday which really did no good because I still had it for another 2 days . I still have to go into the site for school to accept my loans and order my books . I wonder if I can do that for the next 2 terms because my classes are already scheduled . I 'll have to ask . My mom was all kinds of nasty to me today . She got a lunch invitation that I couldn 't go to because when I woke up this morning I was still sick . When I told her about it she seemed alright but then I asked her if she could bring me something back and she said no . She said she didn 't know if she was paying which I guess I understand but what was she going to do if I went ? Have me wait in the car until she knew what was going on ? She finally said that she would bring me nachos back but what did I want if they didn 't have nachos ? I said surprise me but not pizza . She also said that she was going to get me Nyquil which believe it or not sometimes helps but I completely forgot that she said that so when she got back with it I got yelled at again because my headache was gone for the most part by then so that was completely wrong too . All I can say is that I 'm never ever going off of the Provera pill again . I forgot to take it last month and then never started anyway so I didn 't take it this month because I thought I didn 't need to but then my headaches came back again . I had no idea it was doing that , I never put it together . I wasn 't taking it for birth control ; I didn 't need it for that . Still don 't but I would rather not get the 6 day long headache . Ever ! As for the guy , I tried not to care about him or what he is going through . If he doesn 't want my help after I offered there is nothing I can do about it . I haven 't written to him but I did change my fake name to a faker name and commented on the gossip about him . If he read the messages I sent him , he would know exactly which one of the comments I wrote . If you paid close enough attention to what was going on with him you might believe all of the rumors were true , I did . But then pictures came out from over the weekend and they were awful chummy for 2 people that act like they hate each other every other time . I mean you would really have to scream at someone in the middle of a bar right ? But I guess not . I think I 'm done with the whole thing anyway . Either way he doesn 't seem to be living so that he is true to himself and if he wants to live with that punishment there is nothing I can do or say . I offered to be there if he wanted to talk about it or if he wanted help . If the relationship is fake though I would have hoped that he would have picked a better girl . I swear I look at her and I can just tell something is up with that girl . You know how you get a feeling about someone ? I would still have that feeling even if I wasn 't jealous . And oh boy am I jealous . I think he is a charming , good looking , dork . Everything I ever wanted in a guy / crush / mistake . Just kidding about the mistake part . But honestly , I 'm a little bit disappointed in him either way . Either he is too accepting that he is being screwed over , not happy and won 't or can 't get out . But seriously Both boys are spending the night on Thursday . Which means I will get no sleep . I didn 't every other time the kids spent the night especially when they had Justin . We couldn 't wait for them to go home but that was 3 nights . I guess when Brett went home after that he slept until 10 the next morning but when he was here he wouldn 't sleep through the night and woke up really early . This should be lots of fun . Looking forward to it . No really . I 'm also really , really glad that all of the new shows are back on . I 'm not as bored now . I also want you to know that eventually I will act like a grown up even though I have never been accused of such a thing . I 'm a good person and take pride in that and will not ever let anyone down that means something to me . I hope you know that . I feel bad saying all of these things about other people while I 'm not able to take care of myself the way I wanted to . I feel like a complete hypocrite as a matter of fact . But just know that I 'm never asking for anything from anyone , I would never , I don 't feel comfortable asking or accepting that kind of thing but if I have it to give , I absolutely would . Even if it is just that " everything is going to be okay " hug . I want what is absolutely best for the people I care about . I mean that . I don 't want to see those people hurt and would go out of my way to make sure that never happened . You can trust me always . I guess that 's really it . I don 't have too much of anything left to say . Have a good week . Do something nice for yourself , be true to yourself and do what makes you happy . Much love . I don 't think I really have anything to say but I want to try to go back to writing once a week for the sake of my own sanity . I have to go tomorrow for an appointment to straighten out my financial aid and stuff . I thought the appointment was going to be pretty cut and dry but I got a letter in the mail asking for tax returns which I don 't have because I didn 't work and didn 't file . All hail the lottery gods ! ! I never would have been able to go to college had that not happened . I 'm confused though with all of the things I 'm supposed to do . At Everest they scheduled my classes , sent my books , and set everything up to be able to do that . At Davenport she said I can set up my own classes ( I told her I wanted her to do it ) , accept my loans ( I didn 't ever have to do that before ) and order my own books . Most of the classes are seven weeks and they will only let me take 2 at a time which I guess I 'm okay with because it 's all the work of a 12 week class squeezed into a shorter time . She told me there are a couple of classes that are 10 weeks and at some time I 'm going to have to take a presentation class which I 'm going to hate . She said she wouldn 't advise taking it online because if I do I have to find an audience and video tape my presentation . Where the heck am I going to find an audience ? ! But at the same time if I go take the class in school I will absolutely never be able to stand in front of the class and give any kind of presentation . I 'm kind of screwed . Too bad I don 't have a choice . I need to have my student loans deferred and this is the only way . I promised myself that no matter what I would do this no matter how much I hate school and believe me , I hate it but if I set my mind to it I 'm pretty good at it . 7 weeks goes by really fast . And I feel like a lump while I 'm not doing anything . I didn 't feel as bad before I graduated . Plus I need to ask if their classes are all sign in when you want to and turn in your assignments . The whole reason for going online is so I don 't have to work around anything in case I get a job which so far doesn 't look all the promising but I guess we are going to go back to babysitting more because Shannon is planning on going to Eastern for elementary teaching and is going to go take classes there a couple of days a week . My mom will get Rachael out of school every day when that happens . My mom ordered 2 tubs of cookie dough from Rachael 's school fund raiser and is going to her open house on Tuesday night . Brett and Justin and spending the night on the 17th because Rachael and Shannon are going to Princesses on Ice or something like that . And for the last couple of years we went trick or treating with Rachael and I will probably do that again . We don 't get any trick or treaters here at all . They all go to a costume parade or something like that in downtown Belleville . I also need to go walking on the treadmill for a couple miles per day . I seem to say that every week and never do it but I think I 'm going to have to make myself do it . I never seemed to lose weight but I never put the weight I lost back in June when I had my last gall bladder attack . But I always seem to quit after a couple days . I think the longest I went was like 5 or something . If I did 2 miles and stuck with it maybe I would . I also need to go back to taking my vitamins and not quit doing that either . I need to get healthy so I can continue to be tortured by going to college . Yeah . My brother asked if he could borrow my exercise bike . He was in here measuring everything to see if he could get it out of my door which to be completely honest I didn 't think it would work out because now I have a bookshelf behind it and it only opens about halfway now . He said he would take the door off it he needed to . The funny thing is because he is so broad if he walks straight in he gets stuck in the doorway but the bike didn 't . Yesterday for the first time in I don 't know how long I did what I was planning to do . I finished all of my laundry and did all of the floors in my side of the house . And then I ended up putting my air conditioner on because it 's so humid . No actually that isn 't really true . I put my air conditioner on at about 1 : 00 in the morning because everything felt wet especially my bed and carpet . I turned it off today but ended up turning it back on because of all of the rain coming down and not letting me open the window to get some fresh air . I also caught up on an insane amount of missed television shows . I 've come to the conclusion that I watch entirely too much TV . I 'm going to try to keep my opinions to myself from now on . I 'm also not going to try to help anyone who didn 't ask for it . I know that I have waded through some huge piles a crap and come out the other side much better for it having learned a thing or two but I don 't think everyone else sees it that way . I can say " I know what you are going through and I know how this is going to turn out " but most people don 't want to hear it . I was thinking about it today . Being in a relationship sometimes reminds me of dealing with the kids . They will push and push to see what they can get away with . And then what they can get away with they will push harder to see if you give in . Once you are in a relationship for a while and things really start to go bad because your significant other treats you like crap there is absolutely nothing that is going to make them stop . Why would they ? In my experience Wes already saw me as weak so standing up for myself did absolutely nothing . It took me leaving for him to move on to a girl we worked with and he did the exact same thing to her but at least when he did it to me there was some build up with her it was pretty much right away . He took her tax return and her car , skipped work and went and did drugs . He ended up losing his job too . I don 't know if it was still my fault because we stopped talking but I 'm sure it was hers according to him . He got away with treating me anyway he felt like and doing to me whatever he wanted for so long why would he stop ? He did whatever he wanted and I stayed and tolerated it . And why not keep doing something you know you are going to get away with ? Someone who doesn 't treat you with respect and calls you names is always going to do that . You wouldn 't tolerate that kind of behavior from someone you aren 't in a relationship with so why would you tolerate it from someone who is supposed to love you ? Anyway , I 'm going to stop giving advice and I 'm going to try to stop caring . I was just going by what I heard that may or may not be true I honestly have no idea but every time I see something about his personal life I start to think less of him and I know I shouldn 't . I wish when I was going through this someone had the guts to tell me I was making a mistake but no one did . Of course I was young and still had a lot to learn . I had to make my own mistakes . And so does he . I was just trying to save him a lot of time and grief . If he is going through anything that I did , it isn 't going to get better because she doesn 't ever think she is going to lose him so why change the way she acts . But I care about him and worry about what is going to happen to him . Nobody deserves to be treated that way . Alright that 's really all I can think of to say for now . I might update tomorrow after my appointment if it goes well but for the most part I 'm not really expecting it to . I think I have to fill out more junk on my FAFSA saying that I haven 't filed taxes in years because I haven 't worked . I already did that once this year I have no idea why I have to do it again . Other than switching schools , nothing has really changed . I met my ex husband when I was 20 I think . I may have blocked it out . When I met him I honestly didn 't think too much of him . I really liked his roommate though until he turned out to be stupid but he was nice looking . Isn 't that always the way ? I 'm not even sure how I ended up going out with my ex . I don 't remember dating . I remember when we started living together . I think it was okay for a while but that didn 't last . My mom ended up losing her house because of her ex - husband and his gambling problem turning into a huge credit card debt and an equity loan out on the house that she couldn 't pay after he left her . This somehow helped me see that I will never put anyone else 's name on this house even if I get married again . I will never have any credit cards alone because I don 't want the debt . At no time am I ever going to be trusting enough to let someone else put me into debt . This house is and will always be my backup plan and no one is going to take it from me . This is also the main reason I went to college . I want to be able to afford this place and take care of myself with absolutely no problem or help . I ended up living with Wes in Canton in a room in the basement and that 's when I remember everything going to hell . It started out with the small things and him knowing that I had severe self esteem issues . I still do but not as bad I think . As I remember it this is when he either started doing drugs again or it just got worse I 'm not really sure . I try not to think about this too much because it makes me so mad . He would disappear for days at a time . I knew where he was and one day I went over there and sat in front of this guy 's house waiting for Wes to come out but he never did . I was so close to going home , packing up his clothes and stuff and taking them over there and telling his " friend " ( or dealer I guess it depends on just how you want to look at it ) that he could keep Wes and he lives there now . I wish I would have . I also remember his telling me that I was the reason he had to do drugs and that 's when the abuse got really bad . One time we were standing in our room and he took his thumbs and pushed on my front teeth really hard because he wanted to mess up my straight teeth which he actually did . It isn 't really noticeable but they don 't go straight across any longer , they go inwards a little bit in the middle . He punched me , kicked me , and threatened me . He would tell me that this is what I deserved . He would tell me that no one else was ever going to love me , that I was ugly . He did everything he possibly could to make me feel that I had this coming . We ended up moving out of Canton because my mom couldn 't make the rent by herself . Her friend wasn 't paying and Wes was smoking all of the money he and I both made . Sadly that continued for quite some time . We then moved in with my father and since Wes and I were already engaged , my father pushed us into setting a date and getting married . My father is a cruel man . He thought we were all worthless because we never went to college and he thought that if I didn 't get married , he would end up taking care of me for the rest of my life . What is even worse is he knew exactly how Wes was . Marrying me off to an abusive druggie was somehow better than saving me from him . Wes would throw that up in my face every chance he got too . My father decided that he wanted to go back to slutting around so he wanted us to move out . He bought us a house and we were to pay him $ 500 a month for it which didn 't even work out past the first month . Wes was still smoking all of his money and I couldn 't find a job . The abuse continued and the money he was making clearly wasn 't enough because I woke up one morning to find everything that plugs in ( portable radios , CD players and VCRs ) gone to pay for drugs . One night after a huge fight I told him he wasn 't allowed to take my car to go get more drugs and he tried to run me over with my own car in the driveway . I called my dad crying and he showed up the next day to loan us money and as passive as I was I didn 't stand up and say we are not going to pay off your dealer with this money but I didn 't . Again , I wish I would have . My dad ended up blaming me for everything and taking the house away shortly after that . We moved to New Jersey with his sister because we had absolutely no where else to go after that . The abuse continued . One night he punched me dead in the face . I used to call my mom collect all the time and tell her I wanted to come home but I never would . I wasn 't ready . As I said , he used to say awful things to me and I believed him but since we were living out of state the things he said were much worse . He would tell me that my family didn 't want me either and I believed him . I don 't want you to think that I was passive all the time and took all of the abuse because I didn 't . I did get some really good shots in too sometimes but not always . I honestly wish I would have gotten more because of the 2 of us that deserved this treatment it was clearly him . When we finally got our own apartment it was so much worse . So much worse . He made a friend that he could do drugs with so that started again . The only really good thing is that we worked different shifts in different buildings . He worked in receiving and I worked in shipping . So I didn 't really have to see him all that much which honestly was completely fine with me . One of his friends from here came to live with us one time . That lasted about a month . Everything was completely fine until I got up one morning and went out into the living room without Wes and he accused us both of screwing around . His friend left and went home that day and I was suddenly a total slut that was screwing everyone . One time we had a huge shipment going out because they got a huge contract to set up a whole bunch of stores . Honestly I lost all track of time but didn 't want to go home . He showed up and practically dragged me out of there because I hadn 't called for a ride to come home yet . His friend was there that I supposedly had a huge crush on working too . When I got home I was beaten severely and had an actual bruise on my chest . When he thought I was having an affair with someone else in shipping he kicked me repeatedly with his work boots on . It took a month for the bruises on my legs to go away . Once I thought I was pregnant and he punched me in the stomach because he was mad at me for some reason . I don 't even remember why but he also knew I was late . He did it to punish me and take something from me that I really wanted . Throughout all of this I thought that this was what I deserved . I was never ready to leave him . I still believed everything he said to me . He said my family didn 't want me around , that must have been true right ? That is until he said it was okay with him if I went home for my grandfather 's 75th birthday party and I found out for myself that everything he said was wrong . That somehow gave me strength . I got home and when I went to work on Monday , he had for some reason left his wallet in the car along with several ATM receipts which basically let me know that he cleaned out the bank account again and my car payment that I had paid just before I left was going to bounce . I went home to confront him and he pushed me down so that my armpit caught the top of the kitchen chair on the way down . I even called 911 but chickened out and hung up . They showed up but I didn 't say anything but I think they pretty much knew what was going on because I was crying . Instead that was really what it took for me to decide that I had had enough and wanted out . I packed up my car with what I could and drove home which was really something because I had never driven on the freeway before . The point is , I had to decide for myself what exactly was good for me and what I would accept . I had to be ready to decide that I wanted and deserved better . But no one deserves to be treated badly for any reason . He took everything from me and did humiliate me in public every chance that he got and I just took it . I didn 't think I deserved any better treatment . If my father would sell me off to someone as low as he is , who was I to question any of that ? And we were together for years . I thought that being with him was better than being alone . It isn 't . Everyone deserves someone that will treat you like you are the sun , moon and stars . Everyone deserves someone that will encourage you to do and want better . Everyone deserves someone who will speak to you and treat you nicely . Who won 't humiliate them in public but if there is a problem talk to them privately and with respect ( I was told I 'm horrible in bed in the middle of a McDonald 's . I 'm not . He also told me I didn 't have a good body once . I was really skinny with big boobs when we met ) . But you have to be willing to tell the people that don 't treat you that way to leave because you deserve better . It took a lot for me to get here and I refuse to go back . I deserve someone that will love me for me and not try to take anything from me . Not my self esteem , my house , my life , my bank account . I deserve someone that will tell me that no one else is ever going to love me because I am never going to be stupid enough to let me go . Love someone who is going to love me for me and not what I could give them . Someone who wants nothing more than my heart . You don 't have to take crap from anyone for any reason and you shouldn 't either . If someone gives you nothing but crap , you have no reason to ever want to be there and you really shouldn 't . Before you can take care of anyone else you have to take care of you . If someone knows they can treat you any kind of way that 's exactly how they are going to treat you . But another thing is you know pretty much right away whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with someone . If you are years into a relationship and you still don 't know , you can pretty much bet that you don 't . Be with someone you can see yourself loving for the rest of your life . Be with someone you enjoy spending time with . You have worked far too hard to get everything you wanted . You worked far too hard to create the life you wanted . You worked far too hard to be with someone who has no class and wants to take it from you . You deserve to be with someone who will encourage you and be proud of everything you accomplished . Always , ALWAYS remember that . Take care of you . People that truly love you only want great things for you . People who truly love you don 't want to see you hurt or hurt you . People that truly love you are proud of you . People that truly love you don 't have a hidden agenda . You get what you give . Treat people the way you want to be treated . There is always someone out there that would be proud to call you their own . Be with that person instead of someone that would hurt you for kicks . Someone out there will love you with everything they have . Remember that too . I got a call from school today and they said they finally got my grant money but they were only sent the $ 172 I still owed so according to them I won 't be getting a refund at all . I was counting on that money . Now I have no idea what to do here . I 'm still waiting to hear from that one job at the eye place . Not that I really want to take it but if it comes through , I really need to . I like to be able to eat . As I said , I 'm asset heavy and cash poor . Poor as in unless I help babysit I feel bad about asking for the 2 gallons of milk I go through in a week 's time . But I really wanted to buy some diet food , paint mugs and things to give for Christmas you know things like that . I also would like to do more than just walk past the treadmill every day . Even if I just did one mile a day ? But I know me . I would try to do 3 per day and then get discouraged because after 4 I didn 't lose anything and then I 'd still didn 't lose anything . I think they are really cute but I 'm more of the I like to do what I want when I want and I 'm not comfortable in most spaces except my own space . Oddly enough that even includes most of my house . I like my room , my bathroom and one chair in the kitchen but only if the computer is right there . And again I apologize for things that I have said about other people . I know I shouldn 't talk about the guy I was talking about earlier but I honestly feel terrible for him . He is being treated so badly and he deserves so much better . I want to fix it for him , hug him and tell him everything is going to be okay , explain what his life could be without this whole mess . I will write back on Monday after I get all of my classes for the year and find out how many I actually have to take . I find it hard to believe that it 's only 20 but we 'll see . Have a great weekend ! ! ! Take care of yourself . Do something nice for yourself . Much love . Someone actually read my diary yesterday and I 'm not sure what to do with this information . I want you to know that I write all of this out to work through some of my issues . It shouldn 't mean anything to anyone else and I sure don 't want to hurt anyone 's feelings . It 's just a crush and a weird one that that I suppose . It 's not like I would ever have any chance with this guy but at the same time I not exactly sure I would ever want one . There are a lot of weird rumors going around about him this week . First his girlfriend humiliated him in front of a whole bar full of people because he was talking to someone else and wasn 't paying attention to her after it was said she was doing cocaine in the bathroom . There is never a reason to scream at anyone in public no matter what you think they did . And then a couple days later another gossip item came out that said he was whoring around in Vegas and then got screamed at in front of a hotel full of people . Again , no screaming in public . Second , he is going to pick someone else up in a bar and take her to his hotel room while his girlfriend is in Vegas too ? The whole thing doesn 't make any sense to me . However , in the comments section of the first rumor someone said she knows someone who was there and witnessed it . But why does this have to be public ? I was talking to one of my friends about it and she said that sometimes publicists release some of this information and they have approval of this . I don 't understand that either . I would never approve the release of a story that said I was a whore . I think he has to be completely miserable with this whole situation and I 've said it before and I 'll say it again . This girlfriend is not good for him . She is using him in every possible way to get fans , friends and contacts for herself and doesn 't seem to care about ruining his reputation to do that . I feel terrible for him . I sent him a message telling him I understand about being with someone who has a drug problem and if he want to talk about it let me know . I doubt he got the message . He needs to be with someone who has absolutely no interest in being in the same business as he is . Someone who isn 't using him to advance their own career . 90 % of her followers in Twitter are because he is her boyfriend and she doesn 't want to lose that . I think she is a horrible person and she is mean to him all the time from what I 've heard . He deserves better . And I don 't mean me . There is too big of an age difference . I think crushes are safe . My heart never really gets broken , I don 't have to change anything about myself and I can use every excuse I can think of to keep things exactly the way there are . I don 't have to get ready to go out , it doesn 't cost me any money to go out , none of that . My heart and feelings are not on the line , I won 't get hurt . I was supposed to have an appointment with school to get my classes set up for the next year . I 'm not sure if I told you I got into Davenport for my Bachelor 's degree or not . I got an envelope in the mail that says " congratulations you 've been accepted " on it . I 've never gotten one before . I thought it was pretty cool . Anyway , I have the appointment on Monday now . I said I had to change it because I had a migraine when actually I got up and was non - functioning . Just like every day I tried to pull myself together but couldn 't make it . Maybe there is more wrong with me than I thought . I 've been on all kinds of medication for that before but not one of them actually worked for me . Some of them even had the opposite effect on me and made me even bitchier . But this time I know exactly what 's wrong . I have to fill out my FAFSA for Davenport and I 'm pretty sure that I should do it by Monday before the appointment to get my classes so I fill out the rest of my paperwork while I 'm there . However , I filled it out for Everest like they told me to but they said they are having a problem getting the money . I still owe them $ 172 which really doesn 't sound like anything I guess . I mean if I had $ 172 to pay anyone . But the thing is when I was attending school there I checked the box that said return unused loan money to me instead of the bank and when they get that grant money I 'm entitled to a refund of at least $ 1700 which I could really use for groceries and Christmas and stuff like that . I bought all of the gifts that my mom was supposed to give last year ( that is not the plan this year ) and this year I 'm thinking of making cheesecake cookie bites again because they were really a hit . Just not all 4 kinds I made last year . I took me days to make all that . I also need to make chili to freeze . I make huge pots freeze it in individual bowls and then throughout the winter you can have a bowl in chili in 7 minutes . I 've had several interviews . I mean enough so that I don 't even want to look at my black suit for a while , about 2 a week anyway . I was offered one that I turned down because the place was a complete dump and they wanted to pay me less money than anyone else to train me to be a medical assistant . If I wanted to be a medical assistant that 's what I would have gone to school for instead . Anyway , I walked into the office the carpet was stained , the building was really old and there was so much clutter I have no idea how they ever find anything . There are signs all over the place that say you must pay now and there was even one that said that if your pain meds are stolen you must bring in a police report in order to be able to get a new prescription . Of course they offered me the job but I said I didn 't think the position was for me . The super weird part is that she called me again on Monday . I have no idea why but I haven 't changed my mind about working there . My other interview last week was for an eye care place in Ann Arbor right by the Ann Arbor Saline Rd exit . You can actually see it from the exit . I kind of want that one but I haven 't heard anything from them yet . It 's close enough and the money will be decent enough but I 've never billed eye care before and it 's mostly front desk which I have done before either . Not where I had to deal with patients and scheduling and stuff like that . I hope I get it because I 'm broke and I can 't even begin to tell you how bored I am . I feel like a complete lump sitting here all the time especially since school doesn 't start for another month . But I guess I will be looking back on this time fondly once I have both and have no time what - so - ever for anything and I miss everyone and everything because of it . Oh anyway , since I lied ( and I try never to do that , do unto other 's ya know ? ) karma kicked me hard in the ass . Yesterday I had a migraine for real . I was sick as hell all day long and then I got sicker from taking Excedrin which felt like it hate a huge hole in the front of my stomach . I sat there for hours wondering what the heck I was going to do about it before I realized I still have prescription pain meds left . Come to think of it I think maybe something that was in that pot roast might be a trigger . I felt okay before I ate today but not really now . I 'm wearing my glasses again hoping that is going to help . The kids are going to be here again tomorrow . Brett was here on Tuesday by himself because Justin had to go to the doctors and Rachael was in school . After he got up from his nap he came into my room when I went out to the living room to bug him but we had to go tell my mom he needed a diaper . I 'm not getting paid to babysit , I 'm NOT doing diapers . Anyway , my mom asked him if he did poo - poo and he said no " Jane did poo - poo . " She laughed and brought it up for the rest of the day every chance she got . He is adorable . Just not when he is violent . He hasn 't done anything bad to me the last couple of times he was here . He usually gets in big trouble for that . I mean I like my hair pulled just not by a one year old . I guess that 's it . I can 't think of anything else I want to write now so I guess I will say goodbye for now . Have a lovely day ! ! |
She told me where to order these tissue - paper poms , and I ordered 44 of them . . . and have spent many days over the last few weeks , Holly AND I . . . putting those things together . I had them hung all over our house ! They are so pretty , and you get a lot of bang out of them for not a lot of money . Leanne ordered the linens for the tables and they were just perfect ! Multi - colored table - cloths and napkins . She found these striped runners that look like the shawls you see the Mariachi band people wear . . . and we draped one over each table . She ordered lanterns , and even had to paint some of them to get the colors just right . She put a battery operated candle inside of each lantern . . . and she sent batteries . She just thought of everything we might need . And she had flowers sent to my house two days ago , so we could get them in water . One of the coolest things that everyone talked about were the banners . She ordered these tissue paper banners from a shop on Etsy and they were soooo cute ! They are big and rectangular shaped . . . and colorful . . . and they have designs cut out of them . They were the neatest things I 've ever seen , and people went on and on about them . We hung them from the ceiling . Leanne had even sent ceiling clips , which are pretty much one of the greatest inventions ever . One set of the banners had designs on them , like hearts and love - birds and the word " AMOR , " but the other set had Logan and Morgan 's name , and their wedding date , cut out of them . We had a great rehearsal . Of course , for me the best part is seeing my family . . . since we don 't get together that often . I miss them so much . And the kids . . . well , you can 't really call them " KIDS " anymore . . . most of them are so grown up ! It wasn 't all fun and games , because I did make two people cry . . . not including myself . Leanne worked so hard to plan all of this for Logan and Morgan , and then had a schedule change at her youngest daughter 's school that required her to stay in Texas until 2 or 2 : 30 . And then they were going to beat it here to Arkansas . She asked me to stall the rehearsal , but that wasn 't necessary . . . it took a while . Doesn 't it always take longer than you think ? Anyway , it got over and we went down to eat and she still wasn 't there . I was asking her son and one of her daughters if they had heard from her , and they hadn 't . I was trying to visit with everyone and tell them how much I appreciated them coming . I sat down to talk with Morgan 's grandmother , Mabel , because I knew that HER 94 year old mother had a stroke last week , and had just been put on hospice care . When I asked about her mom , she began to cry and said that no one had asked her about it tonight , and she appreciated it so much . And then I started crying . . . and then Holly came over and sat down . I told Mabel that Holly had had a patient in the hospital that was put on comfort care , and how emotional her day had been . . . and we all sat there and cried . She got there a minute after the take - down started , and I could see the disappointment on her face . I mean , she 's had a stressful week , she 's worked hard on planning this event for Logan , she raced to get there on time . . . and she missed it . Of course , after everyone set down and started eating . . . and when they got done . . . it wasn 't pretty like it was when we started , because the chairs were moved all over the place and there were yucky plates and balled up napkins and half - empty glasses of tea . . . BUT STILL . BUT , her work was noticed and appreciated by everyone . . . Logan and Morgan were especially impressed and thankful . Everyone said it was " just perfect , " but I already knew that . Leanne doesn 't do anything half - way , and we are thankful that she honored L / M in this way . It really made them feel special . I just want to say how thrilled I am that Morgan is officially joining our family . I have prayed for her since Logan was born , and I feel like she is the right person for him to marry . She is the perfect help - meet for him , and I think their marriage will bring them . . . and others . . . much joy . Well , Logan was still up watching a soccer game on TV . I tried to stay up and watch it with him , but I was too tired and went back to bed . Jim was already asleep . Joshua and Clark went upstairs hours ago . The house was quiet , except for when I could hear Logan whispering excitedly , " yessss ! yesss ! " when his team made a goal . It 's not like I wasn 't expecting this . Logan and Morgan have dated for 5 1 / 2 years . It 's time for this next step , and they are ready to be married . Here 's where everyone needs to know that shopping with Logan is not for the faint - of - heart . Seriously . It would drive the Pope to drink . We went to another sporting goods store , and it was more of the same : look , look , look some more . He did find a swimsuit that he liked , Praise Jesus , and we bought that sucker and left . I was ready to head to the next place on our list , but Logan SPOKE ! And he said , " the shirts were cheaper at the first store . " So , BACK to the first store we went . And bless Joshua 's heart . . . he is a good - natured shopper , for the most part , but he 's hard of hearing . He totally missed the part where Logan SPOKE and about the cheaper shirts . He could not figure out WHY IN THE WORLD we were back at the first store . He said , " what are we DOING here ? " So funny ! Then we went to Hobby Lobby . . . and by then , everyone was hungry , so we drove over to Big Orange . They have all kinds of burgers and are known for having great milkshakes . Logan was really wanting a milkshake . Logan and Holly each got a turkey pesto burger that had a fried egg on it and some kind of cheese and pesto . It was huge ! And Logan ate every bite of his ! I couldn 't believe it ! Holly didn 't finish hers , and Joshua and I split a traditional burger . Or , as he calls it , " TRANditional . " It was the perfect amount of food for us . After lunch , Holly and Logan went into a sleep coma , but we still had things to do ! We went to the mall and got Morgan a gift . . . and picked up a few other things . And then we were done ! We had a great trip . It 's just that , when you travel with Jim , you have to listen to his music . It 's " Driver 's Choice " in our family . Jim hooked up his iPOD and we took a step or three back in time to the 1970 's . . . Simon and Garfunkel , Crosby , Stills and Nash . . . and the Bee Gees . Jim took a lonng nap after we got home . He deserved it because he drove the entire way to Texarkana and back . I had stuff to do , but decided to get in the pool with the kids for a while . And then Joshua and I went to the store and bought a ton of stuff . . . and Jim grilled burgers for all of us . It was a fun day . And , yes , I 'm fully aware that Memorial Day is not about swimming , grilling and throwing the football around in the yard . I 'm from a 4th generation military family . My grandfather , father and brother all served in the military , and I have two nephews who are currently serving our country . I lived the military life . I know the sacrifices that have been made on my behalf . Jim 's birthday was Sunday . We got up and went to SS and church as usual . . . and then planned on heading down to the lake house to see Jim 's parents for dinner . Jim 's youngest brother , Jeff , was there . . . along with his wife and two children . Their 16 year old daughter brought two of her friends with her , so we didn 't see much of them . And their son does this thing where he hides from us . . . or whoever happens to be there at the time . He will not speak , and will slink around and crawl under tables and not say a word . He 's 8 . He is a really sweet and smart kid . I don 't think he acts like that anywhere else but at the lake house . We didn 't see much of him , either . My father - in - law was frying fish and he always does a great job . Jim 's mom does the inside part , like making the coleslaw , and he does the outside part . I noticed Jim 's Dad . . . we call him " Oscar , " after Oscar - the - grouch on Sesame Street . Anyway , I noticed Oscar was being unusually kind and helpful . And I realize this is a first world problem , but there are at least 3 refrigerators at the lake house , and numerous ice - chests . We have us some ice . Just sayin ' . Tonight , Clark was telling us that when Oscar took him and Faith out fishing in the boat , he snagged his line on something and started to say a not - so - nice word or three . Which , he probably would 've let fly , if Faith hadn 't been in the boat . And then he said , " whoops , whoops ! I almost said my Sunday School lesson back ' ards . " Also , they now have a " house - guest " for the summer who is living on the 3rd floor . And she 's a real , live person that they 've now met . It 's a standing joke that there have been people living on the 3rd floor for years . . . and they don 't know it because they never go up there . Anyway , this house - guest is a distant cousin of my sister - in - law , and needed a place to stay for a couple of months . I didn 't bring a cake for Jim , because my mother - in - law always likes to have one at her house . She usually goes and gets one from the grocery store . This year , she didn 't get one and I didn 't bring one , either . Poor Jim ! So , thirty - four years ago , two scrawny 19 year old kids stood at an altar before God and e ' erbody , and promised to love each other and stay together no matter what . Jim and I had no idea of the great and wonderful times that were ahead of us , the joys of children and family and friends . We also could not know of the trials God would allow to come into our lives thru the years . Big ones , like sick children and cancer and loved ones that we 've lost along the way ; And small ones , like the little every day aggravations of sharing the same space and needing to be right and how one of us uses humor in life , and the other uses logic ( pbbbbth . . . whatever ) , and how one of us screeched out of my sister 's neighborhood in a 3 car caravan full of our family WITHOUT REALIZING UNTIL 45 MINUTES LATER THAT THE OTHER ONE OF US WASN ' T EVEN IN THE CAR . BUT , just like God used the constant irritation of water to , over time , create something as beautiful as the Grand Canyon . . . and the irritation of sand to create a pearl . . . my prayer is that He is using our differences to soften each other 's edges , and make something beautiful out of the mess of some of our days . And I hope that we will continue to acknowledge God as the One who has held us together in every situation . I think Winnie - the - Pooh said it best , " If you live to be a hundred , I want to live to be a hundred minus one day , so I never have to live without you . " We have had a big day . I 'm sitting here trying to type this out and all I want to do is to take a nap . Except that it 's 7 : 55 . I 'm kidding . It was no big deal to get up at 5 : 50 am . Honestly , I was up wayyyyy before I heard the familiar sound of Joshua 's razor . He had not shaved all week , in preparation for this day , so I knew it would take a while . It was such a great day . . . perfect weather . . . and it was great that several friends came out to support Joshua . We had all 3 boys with us , plus Faith . Holly and Aaron couldn 't come . At the last minute , Morgan was able to drive up . We didn 't tell Joshua , and when she walked in . . . his face LIT UP and he jumped up to go hug her . Jim 's parents came , and we always appreciate the efforts they make to support ALL of their grandchildren . One of Logan 's friends ( Blake ) came to watch Joshua , and it was good to see him . One of our friends from church ( Dan ) came to watch , and it was good catching up with him . He comes nearly every year . One of Joshua 's former teachers ( Cindy S . ) came to watch . And Marci , from Therapeutic Recreation , walked over to watch him make one of his lifts . She was at Special O with her family . One of Joshua 's friends from our former church , Sean Michel , came to watch . Joshua LOVED talking to him . Sean Michel plays and sings in a band , and travels all over the world sharing Jesus in places you and I would never go . He has a lonnnnnng black beard and lonnnnng black hair . All of the athletes were amazed by him . Several members of our families , along with several of our friends , sent messages to Joshua . We feel so blessed by all the ones who have walked along this life with us . I also love that the police officers come out in droves . There were always several officers in the Powerlifting venue watching the athletes . Joshua thinks they are so cool . It 's just great that they come out and cheer and take pictures . . . and the athletes get to see that most police officers are helpful and friendly . Joshua won 3 Gold Medals for his efforts today . He weighed in at a whopping 118 lbs . He bench - pressed 145 lbs , dead - lifted 200 lbs . . . and won the combination round . He was thrilled . It 's so funny to watch him . He has a routine and a reason for everything he does . He brought his little back - pack , and had packed it all himself . He had his weight - lifting shoes in there , another t - shirt , his weight - belt , mouth spray , hankie , glass cleaner . . . I don 't even know what else . He wore this Captain American shirt that Holly had gotten him . . . under his red weight - lifting suit . When he lifts , the straps of his suit are up on his shoulders , but as soon as the lift is complete . . . he takes the straps down . At his first bench - press , the helpers put these wooden blocks up on either side of the bench . It something they do for shorter people , or for people who need extra stability . Joshua was not a fan . He kept shaking his head " no , " and when they finally called him up there . . . he said , " I don 't need those . " After his last lift , Joshua grabbed his bag and headed to the bathroom . Side note : He said the bathroom in the field - house was " sad " because it didn 't have any doors at all ! Ha ! He came back and had changed into his " Anytime Fitness " t - shirt . If he gets his picture made in that shirt , the guy who owns the " Anytime Fitness " gym here in our town will put Joshua 's picture up on the wall . It 's so funny that Joshua remembers to do that every year . And when I woke up , it was time to plan dinner . . . because apparently we are 90 years old and must know in advance when our next meal is going to be . Joshua had chosen the restaurant , and he invited Faith and Holly and Aaron and Jenni . Morgan couldn 't come , because she had gone to her home , and Jenni couldn 't come because they couldn 't work it out . . . but the rest of us went and had a great dinner . Joshua usually drinks water all the time , but tonight when the waitress asked what he wanted to drink , he proudly said , " SPRITE . " My sister , Leanne , is helping with our rehearsal dinner . Thank the LORD . I am not creatively gifted AT ALL . She knows it , I know it . . . we all know it . She has organized and planned for all the decorations we will use . We were thinking she would come on Thursday before the wedding , and we would knock out most of the decorating . Side note : Holly took this big test on Monday in her nursing class . She needed to make a 94 % to keep her grade and she was stressed to the max about it . We have all been praying over it , and she 's been studying for weeks . She said that she woke up Monday morning with a supernatural sense of peace . Even her husband couldn 't figure it out ! Well , we found out yesterday that she made a slick 100 % on the test ! Thank you , LORD ! She got the notification when we were at the hair salon yesterday , and we both screamed ! It was the best day ! She did her part , for sure , but God definitely showed out in this situation ! Back to today . . . Clark 's girlfriend , Faith , ended up coming , too . We had a nice time visiting . Today is Holly and Aaron 's 3rd wedding anniversary . In some ways , it seems like yesterday when they got married . In other ways , it seems like they 've always been . Joshua came outside but he refused to take off his shirt or sit with us . He sat in the shade and was a grump . I always post the fun things he says and does . . . and he is precious , don 't get me wrong . It wasn 't just Barney . My older two watched Sesame Street like none other . Holly liked those Wee Sing videos , Donut Repair Club and Veggie Tales . Sometimes I watched along with them . . . a lot of times I did . And other times , I took advantage of 27 minutes to slap a healthy well - balanced some sort of food on the table for dinner . I think there are a lot of things that determine how a person views things . For instance , I wanted to be a Mom my whole life . I couldn 't wait to do with my kids . . . all the stuff that I never got to do when I was little . When I had Joshua , I knew that my life would be different . Whether I liked it or not . . . and I did . . . my parenting was going to have to be slower . . . more intentional . . . more hands on . I 'm pretty laid - back , so that was good . And , after Joshua and Holly , I had the younger 2 boys . . . and they wore down any semblance of dignity and decorum I ever even thought about having . Joshua took a lot of extra time . He still does . Holly was a good balance for us because she WAS content to sit and play and draw and paint and sing and dance and play the piano . And , even tho she was nearly 3 years younger . . . she loved to play " mommy " to Joshua . And then I had Logan . . . and he was all boy , all the time . It 's funny because when our babies were born , we didn 't do anything differently with them in those early days / weeks . . . but their little personalities became evident very soon . We joked that Logan would rather take apart a toaster than read a book . . . which is funny , because he now LOVES to read . Logan ran or skipped everywhere he went ( when he was little . . . if he did that now , well , that would just be weird ! ) , and viewed everything as a competition . If we were dyeing eggs , he wanted to use more colors , or ALL the colors . . . and he wanted to get done the fastest . He wanted to be outside . . . in a creek . . . up a tree . . . bringing home critters he found outside . When we went to the zoo , Holly would be in awe of the animals , especially the baby animals . Logan spent more time chasing the chipmunks and lizards that RAN AROUND THE PARK FOR FREE . And then Clark 's personality is a blend between Holly 's and Logan 's . He and Logan together are a force to be reckoned with . They will make you laugh . They will make you cry . They will make you lose your mind . They will wear . you . down . I don 't remember my Mom ever sitting down with us to color or paint or anything like that . She took us to plays and concerts , and we traveled all over the world because of my Dad 's job . She definitely broadened our horizons , but as far as being a hands - on Mom , she was not . And I wanted to be SO BAD . But that 's just me . And that 's the way God made me . I wanted to talk to my kids and listen to what they had to say and hear about their thoughts and dreams . I wanted to teach them about God , and help them see His hand in every area of our lives . I wanted to show them grace and thankfulness . . . to appreciate and think of others . . . and to realize how very much we are blessed . . . and to give back . I think these days we 're in now are even harder for moms . They have all kinds of social media , and memories are recorded instantly . . . with the opportunity to " edit " so that things look perfect , of course . That 's why I posted my cover photo on Facebook that I did . . . it 's from 2010 . We did get a good picture out of the day , but there were several outtakes that were TRUE TO LIFE . It was hard . . . but even during the hard days , I didn 't mind the glitter . Or the paint . Or the play - doh that got squished down in the carpet . Or the permanent marker marks . . . the stains or everything that broke . I 'm not a better mom than you . . . or anyone else . I just got a dose of perspective back 28 years ago . . . and I learned from it . About what is truly important . And ten years later , I learned that life is fragile and precious and strong . . . and I determined to major on the majors . " The rain fell , the rivers rose , and the winds blew and pounded that house . Yet it didn 't collapse , because it 's foundation was on the rock . " Matthew 7 : 25 While this switch has been beneficial to 99 % of our church body , it 's been a hard change for our family . . . because of our unique situation . Our small group is on the same schedule as Clark 's . . . but on the opposite schedule as Holly , Aaron , and Joshua . We don 't have to go to service with Holly and Aaron , but we DO have to go with Joshua . I wish that we could all go together to the same worship service , like before , but we are trying to embrace this new change . For the past 5 weeks or so , we haven 't been to any small group . . . we 've just gone to one of the worship services . But today was a new day ! We decided on a class to visit , and got there early to take Joshua to his . So his class has been moved to a building off from the main one . When Jim and I walked him over there , he was the ONLY ONE there . We stayed a few minutes with him , and then he said he was okay and didn 't seem anxious at all , so we went on to find our class . We walked into a very large group . Our old class had 6 - 7 on a good Sunday . This class had about 20 , I 'd say . Everyone was very nice and friendly , and we met a ton of people . I didn 't hear a word of the lesson , because all I could think of was " is Joshua okay ? " And , " can he find his way back to the big building by himself ? " I could hardly wait until class was over . I went straight to choir , and Jim went to look for Joshua . I looked up and Holly was coming into the choir room . She said , " I saw Joshua . . . he 's sitting with Logan , " and I immediately relaxed . After church , our minister of music wanted to meet for lunch . He likes to try and meet all the new choir people if he can . Jim and I met him and his family at McAlister 's and we had a great visit . We had a wedding to attend , so we all . . . Jim , Joshua , Clark and Faith . . . and I . . . all headed down to my in - law 's lake - house . Holly and Aaron came in their own car , and they brought a birthday cake for Aaron . Today is his 27th birthday ! We all sat there and had cake right then . . . before the wedding . My mother - in - law . . . you know those candles in the shapes of numbers ? She keeps them in a drawer , and we drag them out for each person 's birthday . I looked in that drawer and I found every number except 4 and 7 . I didn 't need the 4 , but I did need the 7 . We ended up improvising . We put the 2 on the cake . . . and left a big space . And then we put the 6 and the 1 close together . See what I did there ? Hahahahahaha ! I posted this pic on Instagram : martythemoose and on Facebook . Something was said about a few of the younger cousins running in the Warrior Dash , and Jim started telling about my sister , Robin , running in the Ironman Triathlon for her 50th birthday . He was describing the swimming for 2 1 / 2 miles . . . and biking for 112 miles . . . and running a 26 . 2 full marathon . And , at this point , let me just say that I 'm not at all sure I got those distances exactly right . . . except for the marathon . . . just know that it was a LOT . During all of this ruckus , Logan texted me to say he was at home . I posted here that he was going on a float / camping trip this weekend with 2 of his groomsmen . We were all nervous for him to be on the river because of all the rain we 've had in the last few days . Last night and this morning , they had even more rain and a few storms where they were . We thought they weren 't coming home until tomorrow , but they came home today . Logan has gone to dinner with Morgan 's family so we haven 't gotten to hear all about it , and why they came home early . All I know is that everything he took . . . clothes , tent , life - jacket , sleeping bag , hammock , etc . . . is sopping wet and smells like smoke . Like , camp - fire smoke . Most of it , he hung outside , but the clothes were in the laundry room . I went ahead and threw them in the washing machine . . . that smoky smell was stinking up the house ! I thought about how this would be the last time I would do this . The next time he goes camping , if he comes home with wet and smelly clothes , he will either do them himself . . . or Morgan will do them . ( sniff ) I got up and fixed Clark 's lunch for school . Not many more days of that , thank goodness . I don 't mind fixing the lunches , it 's just that by this time of year . . . he 's bored with what I fix . I don 't blame him at all . I 'm bored with it all , too . He gets on kicks . Like , for about 4 months , he would ONLY eat Chipotle Deli - Chicken on his sandwiches . . . and he wanted TWO sandwiches . When football ended and track started , he said he only wanted ONE sandwich . He wanted Flaming Hot Cheetos , and I was going to the grocery twice a week to make sure I didn 't run out of them . All of a sudden , he doesn 't want those anymore . Now he wants these kettle - corn jalapeno chips . This weekend , Logan has gone with 2 of his friends to float a river and camp . It 's kind of his bachelor party thing . None of the other guys could come . I 'm 6 kinds of worried about the whole thing . We 've had a ton of rain and they will be floating a very fast river . . . and then camping on the way . Last I heard , they were renting one large canoe and floating together . He said that he had a great time . He didn 't want to sing . . . he just wanted to dance . He and Jenni danced to FROZEN and they all danced to a Michael Jackson song . And friend Julia sang " Hopelessly Devoted to You " and dedicated it to Joshua . Her sister was there to help her , and her Mom took off 2 hours from her job to come . After the tornadoes , storms , rain and flooding we 've had for the past couple of weeks , today was GORGEOUS . I mean . She was having her pictures done at this little chapel called St . John 's Chapel By The Creek , and it was just like the name said . It was a little chapel by a little creek . It was so pretty ! The chapel itself is rock on the outside . The inside is painted a gold color . There were big , clear windows all down each side , and a big , clear window right at the back . There were 3 large chandeliers hanging over - head . The floors and the pews were wooden . I called my friend , Amy , and told her we were at the McAlister 's close to her house . She came up and visited with us for a few minutes . It was great to see her . We also saw a few other people in there that we knew . That 's so nice . . . because we rarely see anyone we know here in our new town . Even tho we 've been here nearly 2 years . I miss that feeling . And we left there and did some quick shopping for Aaron . . . his birthday is on Saturday . We picked up Joshua and headed home . Logan was here , and then Clark got home from school , and then Holly came over , and then Jim came home . . . and then Aaron came straight here after work . . . and we were all here and I was SO HAPPY ! Don 't worry . . . they didn 't ! It 's just one of those places where everyone paints a canvas and they have people there to help . They do it in stages and explain it step - by - step so that it 's easier . You can bring any kind of food / drink that you want , and Joshua said they took a break in the middle of painting for people to have snacks . I was tickled for Joshua to get to go to this place , and he had a great time . He showed me the " campus " ( canvas ) that he painted . I think it looks great ! It 's a stick tree with some birds on it . He told me that he 's giving it to Logan and Morgan for a wedding present . : ) He said that some of the friends were telling him to keep it for himself , but he said , " I painted it . . . I can do what I want with it . " Holly and I are reading The Nester 's book , " The Nesting Place , " and it is SO GOOD . I had already planned on getting a copy of it for Morgan , since she and Logan are getting married in just 2 weeks . I think it will be a great resource for her as she starts putting her their home together . Jim took Joshua into Little Rock for Therapeutic Recreation this morning . Jim had a meeting . That allowed me to stay at home and get a few things done around here , and time to visit with Logan . Around lunch - time , we decided to head down to LR because we needed to order the tuxes for the wedding . Logan was the only one who hadn 't been measured yet . I don 't know if y ' all do this , but around here on Friday nights . . . and during basketball season as well . . . the student section will sometimes decide what the fans should wear . When they say it 's a " white - out , " that means everyone wears white . When it 's a " black - out , " everyone wears black . . . t - shirts , hoodies , sweaters , etc . Altho I have heard of brides and grooms who request that their guests wear certain colors . But Logan and Morgan 's wedding ? Not like that at all . In other news , my mother - in - law sent home a large ham home with Jim . I appreciate it so much , but we aren 't really HAM PEOPLE . I can eat a slice or two on Easter or something , but one of those big , ol ' things ? Umm . . . no . I usually buy a small boneless ham , and our family can eat it all in one meal and not have any left - overs . It 's perfect . But I had this gigantic dinosaur of a bone - in ham in my frig that I had to use . . . so I made it last night . I decided to go all Easter - ish , and make the green bean casserole that Logan loves so much . . . and deviled eggs that Jim loves so much . . . to go along with it . I asked Joshua if he wanted a deviled egg , and he said , " okay . " As we were finishing the meal , he said , " whOO . . . that egg is TAR . . . " He looked at me , and thought he might have hurt my feelings , and added , " but it was good . . . just a little TAR . " I 'm sure I was staring at him . I looked at Logan and he said , " it 's what ? " Joshua said , " TAR . It 's good . . . just a little tar . " Logan said , " what does that mean , Joshua ? " And Joshua said , " it has a twang . " I think of my Mom every day , so having a holiday to remember her . . . well , it 's just not necessary . As bad as it sounds , I tried to push a lot of her memories out of my mind yesterday . I love her and am thankful for her influence in my life . She definitely left us a legacy of faith . . . and for that , I am so grateful . We got up and went to church . We didn 't stay for Sunday School , but instead left , went through the drive - thru and brought home chicken . I knew it would be a mad - house at any " nice " restaurant , and Jim and two of the boys had already taken me out for dinner on Saturday night . Clark and Faith had gotten me . . . well , they shopped together for the materials , but Faith actually made . . . a burlap wreath for our front door . She placed a large G in it . I love it ! They gave it to me a over a week ago . Joshua gave me a vase that he made at Therapeutic Recreation . I love , love , love it ! And Holly gave me two pieces of cookware . Let me tell you , after nearly 34 years of marriage , I NEED IT ! It is really nice and so pretty ! I used both dishes tonight at dinner ! : ) Logan couldn 't come home . . . OR SO HE SAID . He had one more final to take . . . writing a final paper , and it was due on Monday . Well , after we all went to dinner last night , Clark needed gas and I needed a few things from the grocery . . . so we went to take care of those things . As we pulled onto our street , coming home , Clark loudly cleared his throat a couple of times , and so I looked at him . He nodded his head down the street . . . in the direction of our house . I saw a car . . . from where we were , I couldn 't tell if it was in our driveway or our neighbor 's . But by the way Clark was smiling , I knew it was at our house . I said , " is that my Logan ? " I know this day is sad for many women . Those who always wanted to be a mom , but it never happened . Those who are still waiting . Those who 've lost a child through death or divorce . . . or even abduction . Those who 've given up a child . Those whose Moms have passed away . My heart aches for you . Holly was running her first 5k ever . She joined the Women Can Run group , and began training a few months ago . Yesterday 's 5k was the culmination of that training . The " final exam , " so to speak . Holly had determined that she would run intervals , like in training . 3 min of running and 1 minute of walking . Joshua and I got up and went out to watch her and cheer her on . Aaron was there , too . And he had brought their little dog . I walked down a ways to the corner , and finally spotted her . She was walking fast . I tried to cheer her on and ran / walked along the side until she started running again . In Jr . High , High School and College , Holly was known as the one who always threw up before a race . She was a swimmer . They would call 3rd and final call of her race and she would be nowhere to be found . She would miraculously show up right before she had to climb onto the starting blocks . Everyone wondered where she had been . I knew . . . she had been in the bathroom , throwing up . She comes by it honestly . Jim says that he would get nervous about things when he was little and it would make him throw up . In fact , one place they lived , they were close enough to walk to church . Jim 's Dad said every Sunday morning , the boys would head off first . . . running like maniacs . When he and Jim 's Mom headed to church a few minutes later , there would be a little pile of barf along the way , where Jim had yacked before church . And then Jim and Clark had gone down to his parent 's house on Friday night to spend the night . Saturday morning , they were running in the Warrior Dash . This is their 2nd or 3rd year to run in it . And , bless his heart , Clark lost his shoes at the first obstacle course . . . they got stuck in the mud and muck and he couldn 't get them . . . and then had to run the rest of the race in just his sock feet ( I mean , he had clothes on . . . and socks ) . But he ran over dirt , rocks , sticks , trails , climbed walls . . . without his shoes . Talk about a true warrior ! Proud of him , too ! And , side note : Jim said that one obstacle was a tunnel / tube thing with water in it and brush and stuff on top . You had to be on your stomach . He said he was belly crawling as fast as he could and he saw a snake . So , Joshua had a dance to attend on Friday night . For the past few years , a private school in Little Rock hosts this " prom " for a school for kids / adults with special needs . They supply the venue , the decorations , the snacks , the music . . . and extra people to help hang out and dance with all the friends . I bought Joshua a seer - sucker blazer , and he wore it with his khaki pants and a lavender shirt . Jenni 's dress was pink with white polka - dots . I posted a picture on Instagram ( martythemoose ) and Facebook of this . They looked precious ! I drove Joshua into LR to meet up with Jenni and her helper / friend , Tiffanie at the restaurant . We usually get a wrist corsage for Jenni , but this year we decided to get her a little bracelet instead . She doesn 't like wearing the wrist corsage when she dances and it usually ends up crumpled up in the back of the car somewhere . She seemed to really like the bracelet . I got a call from Tiffanie saying that Jenni wasn 't feeling well and so they were headed home . I had just been looking on Facebook at her pictures and she looked fine and happy . I don 't know if something just came over her all of a sudden , or if she was tired . . . or mad . . . or sad . . . or what . It 's hard to realize that they . . . the friends . . . don 't always do things the way we do . At dances , it 's not uncommon for the friends to dance in a group . . . or with a person other than your date . It 's even okay to dance alone . So the fact that Joshua and Jenni didn 't dance together wasn 't that huge of a deal . I think if they had stayed at the dance longer , they would have . Joshua said Jenni was doing her own thing , and so he was doing his . . . and they each danced with other people , and by themselves . On Tuesday , they drove down to Lake DeGray in Arkadelphia , Arkansas . That 's our old stompin ' grounds . Jim and I first met when I was a freshman at Ouachita Baptist University , and he was a freshman at Henderson State University . . . both located in the very small town of Arkadelphia , just across the street ( ravine ) from each other . They got to go on a boat tour on the lake , and then had lunch at the lodge . I got to the Center to pick Joshua up and waited and waited . Finally , he texted me to say , " we leaving now . be there 1 hour 15 minutes . " But Mrs . Sherrie and Alanna , and a couple of other helpers / moms , had it all under control . We sent a mom with a van to pick up a few of the friends and bring them back to the center . The friends kept each other calm , and the ones who were left piled into the one big van . . . and headed back to meet up with their families . When they got back to the Center , I asked one of the friends , " was everyone calm or were y ' all freaking out ? " She said , " yeah . . . I freaked out . It was me . I did it . I 'm sorry . " On Wednesday , the friends went to the zoo . It was a beautiful day ! I think they had a really fun time . That was the day he told me , " I saw an elephant . . . it reminded me of you . " And then on Thursday , the friends went to a local community garden . On their tour , they got to see what all is grown there . . . lettuce , broccoli , carrots , collard greens , etc . The group was asked if they liked any of those things . Joshua announced to everyone that " broccoli tastes good , but it smells like feet . " They also had a few animals there : baby ducks , baby turkeys , baby goats . The baby goats were a BIG HIT with the friends . Of course , baby ANYTHING is always a hit . Joshua also said they had a baby donkey that they all got to pet . Such a fun week . Of course , just to keep everyone grounded , there was drama among the friends . With a bunch of girls and only a few guys , there is always drama . . . sometimes more than others . This week was more than others . And it 's exhausting because no amount of logic can make things clear . And while the friends typically are very pure and innocent in how they think , they can also be little stinkers . Just sayin ' . After our big Sunday church dedication was over , we came home and had lunch . Actually , they were serving lunch at our church , but there were so many people there . It was gonna be a while ! We opted to hit a drive - thru , and went home to eat . In about 30 minutes , Holly and Aaron came in the door with their lunch . They ate and we spent the rest of the day together . Holly had to study , and Aaron wants nothing more than to be in the pool . . . so she took her books outside and they were both happy campers . At some point , Clark came home and he got in the pool with everyone else . Joshua , on the other hand , is as stubborn as a mule . I have mentioned numerous times how he loves routine . HIS routine . He likes to have every minute of every day scheduled . Example : lunch at noon , snack at 3 , dinner at 6 . And a bunch of other stuff in between . He also has his gym routine worked out by days , and if I ask how long he ran or what he lifted , invariably he will say , " Tuesdays are ab days . Don 't run on Tuesdays . " Anyway , he has determined in his mind that he will not get in the pool until AFTER he gets back from camp . . . which will be the first weekend in June . I doubt that any amount of prodding and pleading will change his mind . Even Aaron - the - Joshua - whisperer is not having any luck . Aaron loves to dive , and so he was trying to get Joshua involved by asking him to " rate " his dives . Aaron would do a simple dive or mess one up and Joshua would give him a 9 . But a more complicated dive with flips and twists ? Joshua was unimpressed and would say , " 6 " . Aaron said , " hey , Joshua . . . explain to me your rating system . When I do a simple dive , you give me a high score , and when I do hard dives where I am risking my life . . . you give me a low score . What 's it gonna take ? " Also , while I sat outside with Joshua , he talked about his muscles . He works hard on his physique and he 's pretty proud of it . He likes to think he is strong and muscular , and he is . " More muscle - y - er , " as he would say . He was showing me his arm muscles , and so I pulled up the sleeve of my shirt and showed him mine . He took put his hand on my little bicep and said , " that 's your cooking muscle . " It was also the dedication day for our new church building . Apparently , this whole moving / relocating process started as a seed of an idea or a dream given by God . . . years and years ago . Like 12 years ago . Anyway , it was a great service . I really enjoy being back in choir . I 've missed it . It 's taking some getting used to . . . the worship pastor and the other choir members and how things are done here . But it 's really fun , and I love that it 's something Holly and I can do together . I 'm pretty sure I 'm going to get kicked out at some point , tho . People here just don 't get my humor and Holly is always telling me , " shhh . . . MAAAAAHHHMMM . " Like , the other day , I was wearing this wooden bead necklace . The beads are painted a pretty mint green color . The lady next to me apparently makes jewelry , and so she asked if she could " feel my beads . " It took everything in me not to say , " only if you take me to dinner first . " And , side note : never , EVER say the word " frog . " I don 't know what will happen to you if you do , but it will be bad . These are TOADS . Apparently there 's a difference . The festival raises money to give educational scholarships to people in our county . Pretty cool , huh ? And the festival is run by volunteers from our county , including our local police and fire departments . The legend behind the name goes back to when steamboats traveled the Arkansas River . When the water wasn 't deep enough , they had to tie up and wait . . . and the captain and crew would hang out at the tavern . People living nearby would comment , " they suck on the bottle til they swell up like toads . " We didn 't go out to Toad Suck this year , because we were exhausted from the week of the tornado . . . and then an all day long track meet . . . BUT , Jim and Clark did get up early and go run in the Toad Suck race . Jim ran his first 10k and Clark ran the 5k . They came home and showered , and got Joshua , and then the 3 of them went to the Rotary pancake breakfast . I stayed home and did laundry and got Logan 's room all ready . Later in the afternoon , we went to Morgan 's Aunt 's house . She had a " couple 's shower " for Logan and Morgan . Not FOR couples . . . just that Logan would be there and so the gifts could be more geared for him as well . . tools and what - not . It was really sweet of her to do this for them , and I think they had a great time . At this point I would like to say that Joshua ? Not a fan of the hand - stamp . EVER . From the time he was little until ( apparently ) even now that he 's 28 years old . Because the track meet lasts all day , and there are times between the pre - lims and the finals that you might want to leave the track , they stamp your hand when you pay . . . so that you aren 't charged when you come back in . So , I paid for the three of us and I held out my hand to be stamped , and Holly held out her hand to be stamped . . . and Joshua did NOT hold his hand out to be stamped and I had to grab his hand and literally PULL HIM to get his hand close enough for the lady to even reach him . He doesn 't like when things are " sprung " on him and I would 've told him beforehand if I 'd thought about it . But I didn 't , but can we not just please be flexible ? No , no we cannot . Joshua is not a fan of the flexible . The weather could not have been more perfect . Sunny . . . not too hot . . . light breeze . God showing us the beauty of His creation in the after the ugliness of the storms just a few days earlier . I never know what to wear this time of year . If I wear shorts , I 'll freeze until 3 o ' clock . If I wear jeans , I 'll burn up until 5 or 6 o ' clock . ( SIGH ) I know none of this matters at all to anyone . I ended up wearing jean capri 's and a polo - type shirt , and I brought a sweater . . . and I was really comfortable all day . Joshua was born an old soul . From the time he was born , he 's always been . . . old . He 's pretty set in his ways , which I think is a " thing " with people who have Down Syndrome . He likes to have a schedule and know everything in advance . He loves routine and does things the same way pretty much every time . He brought his small nylon back - pack to the meet . I call it his " bag of tricks , " because he 's got everything in there : jacket , cap , shades , sunscreen , bug spray , mouth spray , chap - stick . He is adamant about sunscreen . He 's only been slightly sunburned maybe 1 time , but he 's so afraid of it that he is almost a maniac about putting on sunscreen . Which , I 'm glad that he 's diligent , but good grief . We sat down and he put on his cap . He put on his shades , which are cheap , plastic sunglasses that he wears OVER HIS REGULAR GLASSES . Adorbs , right ? Uhhh , NO . He gets out his sunscreen and puts microscopic dots of it on his finger and runs it carefully over the top of his ears . He puts a little more and rubs it along the back of his neck . He rubs some on his arms and face . Then he pulls up his hoodie , and puts his cap back on . Yes , on a warm , sunny day , he is wearing a hoodie . At one point , he is under an umbrella like Mary Poppins . Seriously ? Nothing like blending in with the surroundings . Everytime I looked at him , I just cracked up . He is so funny ! And he loves his brother and was so happy to be there to cheer for him . He said it was his " high light hash tag " of his day . That 's how he wrote it on Facebook . There was this lady sitting in front of me and I 'm not gonna lie . I was totes jel ( see what I did there ? ) ( I 'm so now ) of her . She wore a t - shirt and brought a pull - over for when it got cool . She wore black athletic - type shorts over her very tan legs . She looked to be a woman - of - a - certain - age . . . but she looked very good . Healthy and fit . Just like me . Except not . I stared at her for several hours , since we were at the track meet for several hours and she sat in front of me . She was the me I always wanted to be . She periodically passed out water , Gatorade and little baggies of fruit , veggies and nuts to her daughter . . . FROM HER VERY OWN LITTLE COOLER THAT SHE BROUGHT INTO THE STADIUM . I scratched around in the bottom of my purse and found a package of Ritz Peanut Butter Crackers and 3 Grandma 's brand cookies . I gave one cookie to Holly and one to Joshua . . . and then I only ate half of my cookie . I might not have a bag of fruit , but I can certainly show restraint . We just aren 't really tattoo people , but when Robin turned 50 , she competed in an Ironman Triathlon . Not exactly what I would consider a fun thing to do on any birthday , but she worked and trained SO HARD for this event . And she finished ! So she got an Ironman tattoo on her ankle . Joshua was not impressed and said , " well , I don 't know about THAT . " So I said , " well , Aunt Robin worked so hard , and probably if I had done something big like an Ironman competition , who knows ? I might want a tattoo , too . " ANYway , Joshua said , " welllllllllllllllllllllllll . . . that 's not really YOU , the Ironman . Aunt Robin ? YES . She was made for it . She was born for it . " I don 't know the statistics of college students who attend church after high school . I 've been told what they are , like , in sermons and stuff . . . but I 'm old and I can 't remember . It 's low . REALLLLY low . I didn 't know about Logan . When we moved to a new town when he was in the 10th grade , we joined a church that was very different from our previous church home . And we joined it FOR HIM . And for Clark . This church definitely wasn 't our style . . . but our two younger boys felt comfortable there . Logan really liked the youth group , and Clark jumped right in to the middle school ministry . But one of the first things Logan and Morgan did when they got to college was to find a church home . Each Sunday they would go to a different church , and each week , they would go to the ministries or events offered by the various churches . They went to the BCM ( Baptist Collegiate Ministry ) activities . They settled on a church with a smaller college group , and they have gone there every since . They have worked in the nursery , helped in the preschool , helped with events at the church like the Fall Festival and the Special Olympics rodeo . They 've gone on various missions trips with the college ministry from their church . They attend the Wednesday night suppers and go to Bible Studies there . The college minister calls on Logan and Randy . . . and Morgan . . . if there 's a need in the church they can help with : babysitting or parent 's night out or a family that needs help moving . Two years ago , their church started an Adopt - a - Student ministry , and Logan got " adopted " by a sweet couple named Joe and Martha . Joe and Martha talked to Logan . . . and his roommate , Randy . . . about their likes and decided they would meet on Monday nights at their home . Mrs . Martha would make a home - cooked meal for them , and then they would watch Monday Night Football with Mr . Joe . They 've done other things with the boys , too . Some nights , Logan will bring Morgan with him . . . and then some nights he will go with Morgan to HER adopted parents . It is the coolest thing ever the way complete strangers have invested in the lives of my son . I can 't even think of words to describe how that feels . This past Sunday was Senior Recognition Sunday at Logan 's church . He is graduating from college in May , and so we went for the service . From the time we were in the parking lot . . . until we left the church that day . . . everyone was so welcoming to us and friendly . His adoptive parents were there . . . right on the front row . Their church is a pretty old - school church , which is what Logan said attracted him ( and Morgan ) to it in the first place . Surprising , huh ? Since we all think college kids want the screens and the bands and the lights that change colors during the service . And every person we met , when we introduced ourselves would think a minute and say , " ohhh . . . Logan ? You 're Logan 's parents ? We know him . " We all need to take a lesson from this church . . . and I 'm talking to myself . It 's an older church . It has the wooden floors and the smelly blue carpet . It has a pipe organ . It has beautiful stained - glass windows on either side of the sanctuary . It 's full of people . . . imperfect people , like in every other church . . . but people who have been the hands and feet of Jesus to Logan and Morgan . . . who did not treat them as " temporary " members , but instead reached out to them , and loved on them during their 4 years in that church . Logan was welcomed there . He and Morgan feel at home . They belong . I am so thankful that they will have another year there while they wait on Morgan to finish school and graduate . " Now these are the gifts Christ gave to the church ; the apostles , the prophets , the evangelists , and the pastors and teachers . Their responsibility is to equip God 's people to do His work and build up the church , the body of Christ . " Ephesians 4 : 11 - 12 My family has been after me to start a blog because they say I have so many funny stories . Trouble is . . . now that I finally have a little time to actually record these memories , I can 't remember any of them ! This may be a blog about nothing , kinda like a Seinfeld episode ! I am very aware of God 's hand in my life , and I am thankful for His grace each day for the many times I mess up . I love spending time with my family and friends . I LOVE football ! I don 't really understand baseball all that much , but my brother and sisters love it , so I cheer on those Texas Rangers ! I 'm just a girl who came to a college in Arkansas many years ago . I didn 't know one single person in the entire state . I fell in love with a boy from the college across the Ravine , and we got married when we were way too young to know what in the world we were doing . If we had been able to see ahead to some of the bumps in the road God would allow in our lives , we would 've run screaming into the woods . We 've been married for a hundred years now , and God has blessed our family so much . After the birth of our first child , I had a " Jesus , Take the Wheel " moment . Turns out that philosophy works for every area of our lives . |
Sten felt his body gently swaying and rocking . It felt good , very natural , like he was being cradled . He felt the sun warming him , and realized he was floating on his back in the ocean . He opened his eyes and confirmed where he was . He had no clue how he got there , but somehow he didn 't really care . He wondered what part of the sea he was in . With nothing visible on the horizon , he turned over and swam down into the water . He had forgotten to take a breath , but that didn 't matter either , as he was breathing fine underwater . Inexplicably , this did not alarm him . Again it all felt perfectly normal . Yet he realized this was not normal for him . On a hunch , he glanced back and saw his long , graceful Merrow tail sticking out from his tunic - like shirt where his legs should have been . Or should they ? The tail felt so right . He marveled at how clear the water was , and how his eyes could focus . He looked at his hands , his webbed hands , and could see every texture . He liked how the back of his hairless hand and arm was gray while the inside was white . He returned to his dive and was amazed at how easily he slid through the water , and how fast he could go with only the slightest effort . He swam down and the village came into view . His village ? Round coral houses were nestled in canyons that surrounded a town center with open markets and an amphitheater gathering place . Merrow swam from building to building , going about their business . He looked up and checked how the village was still close enough to the surface to get plenty of light . He swam down onto a " street " and looked in a window or two to see the sunstones illuminating the interiors . No one noticed him . He felt right at home , even though he knew he didn 't belong here . He avoided making contact with anyone because he was sure he would be found out if he tried to speak their language . He swam into the market to see the shops . To his surprise , they weren 't selling goods , but rather taking orders to make things . He saw no money of any kind change hands . He was also pleasantly surprised that he could understand what they were saying . Everyone was friendly with one another and seemed content . He was taken with how peaceful and happy the village seemed to be , and how being there made him feel the same way . He caught a shadow move out of the corner of his eye up on the surface . He looked up but couldn 't see anything . No one around him seemed to notice it . He was going to dismiss it as a passing cloud , but thought maybe he should make sure . He swam up , and again was pleased with how quickly he covered the distance . He opened his eyes and was a little shocked to find himself dry and in bed . In bed with Chielle , who was still sound asleep . He caught his breath and smiled at his wondrous dream . He played it back in his head , highly amused at how his mind had translated her words into this vision of life beneath the waves . Had she really given him such detail ? He loved how the dream had let him see it as a Merrow , the same way Chielle would see it . Chielle . He turned and lovingly studied her face , the curves of her big eyelids , her darling tiny nose , her wide lips over her pointy little chin . How he had come to love looking at this face , so alien yet so beautiful . He traced the lines of her gill fringes with his eyes , how they folded so neatly together to lay flat , hiding in plain sight looking like neat rows of short curly hair , dark in the back and light in the front like the rest of her . He saw for the first time a scar across one of her gills . It didn 't look like a major injury , yet it had not healed right . He started to touch it but stopped himself . He was enjoying watching her sleep too much to disturb her . How had he come to love her so much ? Just the thought of her made his heart ache with joy , even with her right here in front of him . She had become part of him . He had been in love before , but it had never felt so encompassing . Maybe her being so different made him notice more . Or maybe he loved her more than he had ever loved anyone . He felt the bandages around his chest were tighter than the day before . They seemed to have shrunk when they dried around him over night . They were uncomfortable enough to distract him from his musings . He considered rewrapping them , but decided getting them wet today would loosen them up enough . The blanket had fallen off her shoulder as she lied on her side facing him . His eyes followed the grey / white dividing line and caressed the skin of her neck , over her shoulder , down the length of her arm , and onto her delicate webbed hand . It was all he could do not to follow his eyes with his hands . Oh , how he loved to touch her . The firmness of her skin , and how she felt cool at first touch but then warm once he held her , it wasn 't just fascinating , it was intoxicating . It was like her skin was showing what he had learned of her , strange at first , but warm and loving once he was close . He wondered what she saw in him . This headstrong young woman from another world , why would she find him attractive ? She seemed as amused by his body hair as he was taken with her aquatic skin . Beyond their surface differences , though , they had somehow connected very deeply . He couldn 't explain why , but he was sure glad she had been attracted to him as well . He heard footfalls approaching up the wharf that he recognized as Jacio 's , and realized it was at least an hour after dawn . He would have stayed in bed and bathed in her glow all morning . He slipped out of bed , the twisting of which sent a twinge through his torso , trying to move slowly and not wake her . More blanket fell away , and when he stood up he looked back over her naked form . His manhood responded valiantly . He gently pulled the blanket up over her and grabbed a pair of pants . He retrieved her dress from where it had been tossed , and laid it across the foot of the bed for her to find . He greeted Jacio from the bedroom door , which he closed behind himself . " Good morning , " he said quietly as he slipped on a shirt . " We have company , who is still sleeping . " Sten smiled at his careful choice of words . " Thank you for saying so . That was quite the couple of days there , wasn 't it ? So today I want to move ahead with our diving adventure . " " Indeed . " He held his hand over the grate and found the fire had gone cold . He noticed the boy carried a sack . " What have you got there ? " Sten took the boot out and looked it over . " Yes , this is perfect . " He looked back at Jacio . " It 's not going to Silverton . It 's for Chielle . " The door opened and she stepped in , blanket wrapped around her shoulders against the morning air . She smiled coyly at Sten and said , " Good morning . You 've got something for me ? Good morning , Jacio . " Sten held up the molded leather . " It 's a boot for your fluke . I 've noticed the base of your tail gets pretty beat up when you walk around on these wooden planks . We wear shoes to protect out feet from rough surfaces . " He handed it to her . " Why not you too ? " She turned it over and undid the laces . " That is the sweetest thing . Thank you . Let me try it on . " She pulled up a chair , sat down and coiled up her tail so her fluke was in her lap . " You are so clever . The laces work great , " she said as she cinched them up . " It fits . " She stood up and took a couple of steps . " This is marvelous . The leather grips the wood , and I don 't feel a thing . " She stepped over and hugged Sten . " Thank you . My first shoe . " " Not your fault . You couldn 't have known . I couldn 't have known . We 'll just have to get used to having a lady guest around . " Sten spotted the pot of porridge still on the grate . He picked it up and found the already solid cereal now a hard glued mass . " Do we have anything to eat , besides porridge ? " " You 've got a bag of rice and and a bag of beans in the lower cupboard . Oh , and there 's a pot of lard . I think you finished the jarred fruit you got last week . " " Oh no . I grew up in the mountains on the other side of the continent . In winter we could pack food in ice and it would last for weeks . You could put together a collection of different kinds of food and make really wonderful meals . " He got the edge up and was pleased to see he could peel the dried mass out of the pot . " How lucky is that ? There you go , " he declared as he pulled it out with his fingers . " I thought that might take all day . " He threw it in the ash bin and held the empty pot up for Jacio to see . " Victory . Can you get the fire started ? Chielle and I haven 't eaten since yesterday afternoon . I 'm starving , and I can only imagine she is too . " He took it from her . " I 've got this . You just have a seat . Put your … tail up and relax . You 've worked long enough around here with me laid up . " " Oh good . I arranged that with Norn Tureck . We 'll use that later . " He scraped out the rest of the pot with a spoon and filled it with rice and water . Jacio had the fire going , so Sten put the pot with its lid on the grate . " Yes , dear , " he said without looking up from what he was doing . He caught Jacio and Chielle exchanging a grin . " What are you two up to ? " " You 're welcome . " He grabbed a thin knife and the fish and headed outside . He gutted it , beheaded it , and tossed the offal into the sea . When he stepped back in , Chielle looked at the fish as he walked by and he caught a flash of disappointment . " It 'll be great , " he assured her . He melted a dollop of lard in a skillet while he spilt the fish down the middle . Chielle leaned forward to watch what he was doing as he placed the fish halves into the bubbling lard skin - side down . He checked on the rice , and watched her watching the fish . " Have you ever had cooked fish before ? " He handed her the open bottle and she tried it . " Just smelling it makes my mouth water . She put her finger over the top and tilted it . She looked dubiously at her wet finger before tasting it . " Sweet and salty at the same time . It 's tasty . " " I 'm glad you like it , because the whole meal is going to taste of it . " He checked the rice again and it wasn 't yet done . " Do you have anywhere you need to be today ? " Sten checked the rice again and it was done . So was the fish . " Jacio , three plates please if you will . " He doled out the rice , then scooped the fish flesh off the skins and over the rice , then liberally splashed on the sauce . " Here you are . " " The fish doesn 't look like fish anymore . It all smells all right . She tried a forkful and nodded . " It tastes like is smells , which is good . " Sten headed first to the heaviest of the many items stacked up at the end of the wharf , the crank bellows . He started to lift it by himself but his broken ribs were not having any of it . " Jacio , I 'm going to need your help with this . " So began the rather tedious job of carrying the equipment down the ramp and onto the boat . Chielle stood by appraising what she saw . Sten watched her piecing the parts together in her mind . She seemed to be struggling with it , but she did not say anything . They carried the bellows , the beaten copper bell helmet with the sealed glass window , the twenty lengths of bamboo pipe , several coils of rope , and lastly his swim fins . Chielle stepped up and helped carry some of the pipes and ropes . At one point Sten saw her test fitting one of the rubber ball joints onto the end of one of the bamboo pipes . Again , she did not ask any questions . When they got it all loaded , she turned to him and said , " Clearly you have your heart set on doing this , so I 'm not going to try to talk you out of it . Of course I hope this works . If it fails , I will be right next to you ready to bring you to the surface . Have you tested it ? " When they set sail , she directed them to the spot above her village . " Celidan is about ten of these pipe lengths straight down . So with twenty , you should have some side to side mobility . " " Take down the sail . We 're too deep to set the anchor , and you 're above my home anyway . The wind will blow the boat away , with you attached , before you see anything . " With the sail down , Sten put on his fins and climbed overboard . Jacio handed him pieces of pipe and ball joints , and Sten stuck them together . Chielle hopped in and helped . The pipeline floated as it grew . Last out was the bell . Chielle and Sten held it upright with air inside to keep it buoyant while Jacio held the rope that was attached to its top . Once it was attached to the pipeline , Jacio handed Sten two solid metal weights , which Sten hung on either side of the bell . He yelled up to Jacio , " Start pumping ! " before he ducked up under the bell as it started to sink . Sten was pleased to see the level of the water inside the bell pushed down by the air pressure coming in through the hose fitting at the top . The air pressed down under the edge and created streams of bubbles that floated upward . It took him a moment to figure out how to hold onto the side handles and keep himself upright , with his body in the water up to his ribs . The bell just fit over his upper body with no real room to move his arms inside . He looked out the window in the side and saw Chielle watching him with a very worried look on her face . " It 's working great ! " he yelled , in hopes that she could hear . Very clever of her . As he descended , he realized how cramped the inside of the bell was . It only held a few breaths of air and he could hear his own breathing in the metal enclosure . He never thought of himself as afraid of enclosed small spaces , but this was certainly putting that fear to the test . When he checked the fit on the surface he had thought of it as clothing . Here underwater , it was his whole world . He tried to focus on how big everything was outside through the window . Then he felt the water level starting to rise inside the bell . He yelled to Chielle , " Tell Jacio to pump faster . " A moment later the air pressure increased and once more pushed the water down to the edge . The air pressure inside the helmet was making it difficult to breathe , and his ears felt like they were being crushed . He reached up with one hand and held his nose and blew to adjust the painful pressure inside his head . He was pleased to find that helped a lot . By then he saw the bottom coming up . He peered out the window as shapes came into view . Chielle reappeared and he gave her a thumbs - up sign . At first he wasn 't sure what he was seeing . The bottom was made up of large round hills , one of which he was about to settle onto . Chielle motioned for him to swim to one side , which he easily did with the flippers . He landed on flat sand next to the hill , and he suddenly realized the hill was a house , a round , cultivated coral house . It was just as she had described . He was also amazed to see it was just like the ones in his dream . Two Merrow , a man and a child , swam around the house to face them . Chielle started talking to them . Although he could not understand them , it was clear they were upset and she was reassuring them . There was a lot of pointing at the surface , and Sten couldn 't tell if they were going to let him stay on their property . The pressure in his ears was hurting again , so he held his nose and blew and could focus again . Chielle turned to him and started to say something but paused . She screwed up her face as she figured out how to make English words inside her head underwater . Sten listened hard to figure out the words in the sounds . " They will let you stay , but they fear you will die in their yard . " " Thank them . I 'm going to walk around , " he yelled back . Walking was more swimming in long , slow leaps . The flippers let him maneuver and land without tripping . The houses were organically curved , multichambered coral caves with all the expected reef inhabitants living on the outside . As he walked between two , he saw window portals . Some of them glowed from within . He turned to Chielle , and found her right next to him . " May I see a sunstone ? " She held up a hand , then darted around the other side of the house . A moment later she swam out of the nearby window holding a stone about the size of a human head , oblong and smooth , glowing with a brilliant yellow light . He reached out from under the edge of the bell and touched it . It was cold . " That 's amazing . " She brightened and nodded . She took hold of the rope on top of the bell and lifted him up over the houses . Now that he understood what he was looking at , he could see the houses lined an array of canyons . Again he was taken with how accurate his dream had been . She lowered him down in front of a curved hollow in a hillside . This was the amphitheater from his dream . She alighted him in the bench seats that had been cut into the rock . He looked down to the center and was awe struck with what he saw . The circular " stage " shimmered like a mirror , and in it he thought he could see a reflection of not just the sea above , but of more ocean than he should be able to see at that angle . He didn 't understand what he was seeing , but it was so beautiful he just stood and stared . He was sure he had not seen this reflection when Chielle lowered him . It must be a trick of the angles and the light . It looked more like a window than a reflection , a window out to the whole of the ocean . Chielle was saying something but he wasn 't listening . Then she knocked on the bell and that woke him from his reverie . " We have to go ! " He looked up and saw three large Merrow men swimming straight at them . Chielle swam up to meet them . All three wore the same red robes . Two of them stopped to talk to her but the third swam around her and came up to Sten . He stared into the window and looked around as if looking for something other than Sten . " It 's just me , Sten Holdsmith , the blacksmith from Saint Rachel . " The man seemed entirely unimpressed . Sten looked passed him and saw Chielle was in quite a heated exchange , with the two men pointing and yelling . It looked like they were about to arrest her when she darted away and swooped down to Sten . She said something curt to the near guard , grabbed the rope on top of the bell , and started up . Sten unhooked the side weights and let them drop while he kicked with his flippers to speed the ascent . As the pressure lessened , the air started bubbling up out of the bell , since Jacio was still pumping hard enough for the deep . Sten 's ears felt like they were going to blow out so he grabbed his nose and sucked in until he felt the pressure subside . It only took a few seconds to reach the surface . Chielle was clearly not wasting any time . Sten ducked out of the bell and grabbed it by the rope . He turned around , found the boat many yards away , and called to Jacio . " We 're over here ! Can you pull me in by the rope ? " " I don 't know . I 'm afraid I may have gotten us into some real trouble showing you the temple . Those were our shaman 's templar guards . They have the power to enforce our laws anyway they see fit . They answer only to the shaman . " " No . The temple is open to everyone . That 's why there are no walls around it . It was the reason Celidan was built here . I can 't imagine there is a law forbidding access . " " There doesn 't have to be a law , " Sten supplied . " Distrust of humans would be plenty for the guards to move to protect the site . The good people of Saint Rachel would certainly take up arms if they saw a Merrow walk into the sanctuary of the Atlan temple . They probably saw my very stepping on that ground as a desecration . " He looked around as they neared the boat . " Doesn 't look like they followed . Let 's just hope they 're happy with shooing us away . " Jacio and Chielle both needed to help Sten up the rope ladder onto the boat . His ribs were really hurting , but he was much too excited to let it slow him down . " It was everything I hoped it would be . Their town is beautiful , in the most peaceful , natural way . We may have trespassed a bit , so we need to pack up and get out of here just as fast as we can . Thank you for cranking out that air . I can see it was a chore , but the bell worked perfectly . " Chielle stepped up alongside Sten . " Blauoon . Yes , I 've heard of you . I don 't mean to be suspicious , but there must be something more pressing than congratulations for you to risk censure to come here . " " You are right , Miss Mmava . It is in fact the risk you speak of that brought us here . We had hoped that your visit was a sign that our two villages were now dealing more openly . " Sten smiled and shook his head . " If only that were true . I 'm sorry to say , gentlemen , that my visit was not official or sanctioned by either village . It was just me risking a peak at your beautiful town . " Sten took a long deep breath , as deep as he could with the bandages confining this chest . " You 're stone masons . I imagine you could use tempered hammers and chisels ? " " I 'll tell you what . Sometimes you have to just make the changes you want to see in the world . It takes several steps to work up tool quality steel , so it 's going to take a day or so to do it right . What do you have to trade ? " Sten heard Jacio on the boat involuntarily cough . Sten had to restrain his own reaction . " That should do nicely . Three sets of hammers and chisels . Can you come back the day after tomorrow , say in the afternoon ? " Once they were done , they relaxed in the relative cool of the shack , lounging on chairs and benches . " Sorry that took so long . I had hoped to be done before the heat arrived . That 's something I don 't think I will ever get used to about living in the tropics . Every afternoon you lose two or three hours because it 's just too hot and humid to do any work . " " I 've been living that pattern my whole life , " Jacio added . " I just plan around it and enjoy the break . Some folks eat their biggest meal of the day during the heat , since you 're not going to move around much afterwards anyway . " Sten got up and started poking around in his larder . " Speaking of meals , maybe one of us should run into town and get something . I 'm running low on everything . " Sten found a sketch he had been working on . " Speaking of going into town , I 've been thinking about what life will be like once we get passed this time of conflict . I 've only been here are a year , but my impression is things weren 't always this hostile between the two villages . " " Wow . So things used to be better just twenty years ago . Lots of people on both sides must remember those times . So there is hope we can repair things if we just remind those folks how good it used to be . " " They already know . Your stone mason was very angry to see me here . Your fishermen beat you up for sympathizing with the Merrow . I don 't think Saint Rachel is ready to accept me . " " No , not silly . Just a few years ahead of time . It 's lovely to think we will see a day when I can roll around town and be welcomed as normal . Maybe I 'd wear a dress to cover my tail . Your people seem most distressed by bare Merrow tails . It 's a great idea , Sten . Just a bit soon , I 'm afraid . " " They 're going to see you leave , " Jacio insisted . " They 're already boiling mad . God knows how much worse they 're going to be if they see you here . " When they unloaded , they had piled the diving pipes up along the edge , and so the two step path was now a six or seven step path . Thinking fast , Sten grabbed a bucket of sea water that he used for cooling hot metal . He held it up and asked Chielle , " Will this work ? Or not ? " He poured it over her , and she disappeared . Her clothes were still visible , so she peeled them off and handed them to an astonished Jacio . They watched as her fluke made wet footprints , one after the other to the edge . Boole and his mob pulled up in front of the door . He was hobbling on crutches and his face was covered in bandages . It was obvious how mad he was even with the mask . " What the hell is all this for , diving ? You 've been down to the fin village haven 't you ? I knew it ! You 're conspiring with them against your own people ! " Sten stepped out to face them . " You don 't know the first thing about them . I 'm at least trying to learn . It 's a big ocean . There 's no reason our two villages can 't get along . We need to know more about them so we can work out something more than just driving them out of their fishing grounds . Yes , I visited Celidan , and you know what I found out ? They arrested the young mermen who attacked your boats in Harper 's Meadow . They don 't want the violence either . The only person who wants a war is you , Captain Boole . You only want those fishing grounds if you can take them by force . " Sten pressed his point to them . " Wouldn 't you rather live in peace ? Do you really want more blood on your hands , especially if we find there is a better way ? " Boole heard the mutterings behind him and scowled back at them . " Don 't listen to him . He 's on their side . He 'll say anything to stop us from defending what 's ours . " " Sten , you 've become more of a hazard to the safety of this town than the value of your workmanship . We can get another blacksmith . We can 't live with the man who taught the fin how to make steel weapons to use against us . Seize him , men ! " Sten was undeterred . " Look at me , Selric . I 'm standing tall after defeating you in single combat . You 're crippled up and need to turn your sailors into lackeys to do your dirty work for you . I 'm diving to the ocean floor , trying to find a peaceful solution , looking to the future . You know why I 'm not afraid of you , and why you slink out here like a thief ? Because I 'm right . My righteousness makes me invincible . " The men all stepped back , and Boole clenched his fists and turned bright red around his bandages . " That 's right , I 'm quoting scripture . I am living the Atlantean ideal . I am seizing every moment for the betterment of all . " Boole screamed and threw down his crutches . He staggered up to Sten , attempting a string of insults that just came out as furious gibberish . " Fucking fin lover ! Taunt me with Atlan ! Go die with the damn fin where you belong ! " He threw his arms around Sten 's waist and picked him up while driving him backwards and over the edge . Sten was surprised but not disappointed . " You 're going to kill a tied - up prisoner ? What a coward ! " He had half hoped Boole would lose control and commit a real crime . As he went over the side , Sten saw Boole 's men were shocked as well . |
The next day had a hectic start . Teddy got fed and walked , puppy pads got changed and Jolene ate breakfast with Randall . They had barely finished when the doorman rang to say that the wedding planner was on her way up . Jolene was both nervous and excited . Nervous that the planner would tell them there was no way to pull off a fairytale wedding in three weeks at Christmas . Excited that she was getting the wedding of her dreams with the man of her dreams . Voices intruded on her thoughts - Randall talking to the professionally - dressed woman as they entered the room . " Cost isn 't an issue get her what she wants , and send me the bill . We want the perfect wedding on the 23rd . " The woman laughed . " Honey your man 's assistant made it impossible to say no . I 've never been offered such an open - ended contract before . I wouldn 't miss the chance to - how did he put it , oh yeah , spare no expense . Your man has just confirmed that you get whatever you want , so let 's talk wedding . " Randall sat on one side of Jolene and Clara , the wedding planner , set on the other . She opened up her tablet and started asking questions . An hour later , she was showing Jolene wedding gown photos and when they had picked a few , she called and made an appointment for her to try them on . Then it was on to venue . The lady again made the call and confirmed that Jolene and Randall 's church and pastor were available that day . She made the reservation and assured the pastor that Randall and Jolene would be at his office that evening to start the required premarital counseling . Randall put it on his calendar and quickly called Larry to make sure there was nothing that needed rescheduled . After getting off the phone , he handed Jolene his American Express Gold Card and gave her a kiss . " I need to head in to the office , the board is having a fit with me being gone so much . If you need my opinion on anything , just call me . Larry has been told that you have priority over anything . So call if you need me . I 'll be home in time to eat supper with you before we head over to the church . " Randall hurried to the parking level and raced uptown to his corporate offices . He still got a kick out of seeing his name on the glass doors , but today he only smiled a little bit . He only had an hour till his meeting with the board of directors and he needed to speak with both his lawyer and accountant . As he hurried through the hallways , he smiled and greeted everyone he passed . He remembered that he came from less than most of his employees did and was thankful for all that God had given him . He tried to make sure each and every employee felt like he knew them and cared about them . Larry was waiting for him outside his office . He didn 't know how , but his assistant seemed to always know when he arrived . Randall was sure the man had someone who called him when the boss was seen entering the building . " Too bad , while I try to treat everyone fairly , they seem to think that means their combined 15 % of the stock gives them control over me . This is not a public company , it is my company . I own 85 % of the stock and am the CEO not because they made me CEO but because I own the company . My name is on the doors , not theirs . Now get me my lawyer and accountant . " " Thank you both for coming . Let me get right to it . " Randall looked at his lawyer . " I need to know what my options are for buying back the 15 % stock that the board holds right now . I know there was a buy back clause - what does it say and how long will it take to enforce it ? " The lawyer reached into his briefcase and pulled out five contracts that were gator - clipped together . " Each of your board members signed the same contract . Your buy back option is that you can buy their stock at full market value anytime , and they are required to accept the payment as long as it is full market value . However , if I may give my opinion here ? " The accountant opened his laptop and went to the NY Stock exchange . Then he asked to see the contracts and flipped to the section detailing how much stock each of them held . After using a calculator , he figured out how much each of them were entitled to . " They each have an equal amount of shares in Herrschner Industries that are worth fifty thousand dollars each , as of today 's index . " " Again , they serve at your pleasure . You may terminate them at any time . It would be customary to give them a severance package equal to two month 's wages . " " I can do that as well . I 'll just head down to my office and get both sets of paperwork ready . Shall I attend the meeting as well ? " " Good . Also , if I can meet with both of you this afternoon I would appreciate it . I have other things I want to do but this takes priority . " Both men nodded and then left Randall 's office . Larry stepped inside . " Sir , I informed the board that you were booked and would meet with them at noon as was scheduled . They were not pleased . " " Actually it is , Larry . As you know , I got engaged this week and Jolene and I are planning to be married before Christmas . I plan to be absent from the company till after the first of the year starting next week . I need to leave the company in the hands of someone who knows me and how I would want it run . That 's you . So I need you to find a replacement for your job as my personal assistant and train them while I 'm gone . Also find a female who would make a great personal assistant for Jolene , will you ? She 'll need one after we get back . She just doesn 't know it yet . Have that person report to my penthouse tomorrow morning at nine . " " You will help me run the company . You will be a member of my new board of directors and will sit in for me when I 'm away . Your salary will be $ 95 , 000 a year and you will receive 5 % of the stock of this company . You will receive an office on this floor and a leased car , and your insurance package will remain the same . " Larry left and Randall took a moment to sit and get himself calm . First , he prayed for God 's peace to fill him . Then he opened the Bible that he kept on his desk and spent time sitting at the feet of his Lord and Savior . When the lawyer arrived , with the paperwork for his signature and the checks from accounting , Randall was ready to face the board with integrity and peace . Randall entered the board meeting , followed by Larry and the lawyer . Jeff Davies , who considered himself the leader of the board of directors , stood . " Randall , what is the meaning of this ? We are having a board meeting . Bringing your entourage is unacceptable . " Randall stopped where he was and stared at Jeff . " Sit down , Mr . Davies . Contrary to what you seem to think , you are not in charge here . This is my company , I own 85 % of the stock and you five board members own 3 % each . That 's an equal amount , making you all equals . As the owner of this company , I will bring anyone I think is needed into these meetings . Have I made myself clear to you , Mr . Davies ? " Randall waited until the man nodded and sat down . Once the man was seated , Randall continued to his own chair at the head of the table . He indicated that Larry and Mr . Archer , the lawyer , take seats behind him along the wall . " Now that we are all in understanding of how this company works , lets get to business . " He nodded to Mr . Archer , who stood and began to hand each board member a copy of their employment contract . Randall continued , " As I 'm sure each of you are aware , you hold a copy of your contract in front of you . Will you please confirm that you signed that contract stating that you read and accepted it upon employment here as board members ? " They each agreed that they had . Randall looked at Larry . " In your notes of this meeting , please note that each and every member of the board has agreed that they did indeed sign their employment contract . " Larry began to make notes on a steno pad . Randall picked up a copy of the contract . " Please open your contract to the post - it flagged page . " He waited as each of the board members did as he asked . " Notice the section highlighted on my right to buy back your stock options at full market value . " He pushed a button on the projector remote and a screen descended , on which the projector displayed the current market value of their stock . " Notice that the market value of each of your stocks as of an hour ago is fifty thousand dollars . I am executing my option to buy back all your stock . " He gestured to Archer , who handed each of the men a contract for the purchase of their stocks . " Notice that the amount has been left blank . If you sign this bill of sale right now , I am offering you twice the fair market value . If for some reason you decide to not sign your shares over to me , then two things will happen . First , Mr . Archer , here will leave at the conclusion of this meeting and go directly to the courthouse and file a suit against you for breach of contract . The second is the purchase price will drop to fair market value minus the cost of legal fees and lawyer fees for having to sue you . " Everyone but Jeff Davies signed the contract and was handed a check for one hundred thousand dollars . Randall and everyone else looked at Jeff Davies , who was red with anger . " I will not be bullied by you , Randall . " " So you are bullying us ! If we don 't agree , you sue us and give us less money . Well , screw you , Mr . Herrschner , I won 't sign . " " Fine , your loss , Mr . Davies . Let 's table that for a minute , but I suggest that after this last piece of business , you contact a contract lawyer and see what he tells you . I 'll give you till five today to accept my price for your stocks , which is now only fair market value . Randall pointed at their envelopes . " Inside , each of you will find your severance package . As of January second , your services will no longer be needed . " Jeff Davies jumped to his feet . " This is an outrage ! I refuse to be treated like this . " He looked at the other four members of the board . " I say we get a lawyer and sue Mr . Herrschner here for putting his personal desires and feelings ahead of the good of the company . " " No , sir , look at your contract again . You , sir , are an employee of MY COMPANY . Your stock was a part of your employment contract as is your place on this board . This board was not a governing body , but an advisory one . I own this company . It is not a publicly traded company , it is MINE . Again , I will direct your attention to the contract you admitted you read and signed upon your employment with me . That contract does not guarantee you a severance package , and it states that I may end your employment at my convenience just as you can end it at yours . However , it also states , and which you agreed , to sell me back my stock for fair market at my request . Today you have refused . Now , you threaten me with a legal action you have no cause for . Therefore , " Randall stood and picked up the envelope sitting on the table in front of the angry board member . " You are terminated immediately and you will receive no severance . " He walked back to his spot , picked up the phone , and spoke . " This is Mr . Herrschner , I need two security personnel to the board room immediately . Thank you . " Everyone was now talking at once . Before order could be restored , the two security members entered the room , which brought instant silence . " You sent for us , Mr . Herrschner ? " Randall walked down to where they both stood and looked at the name tags on their uniforms . " I did , thank you for hurrying , Mr . Reynolds and Mr . Thompson . Would the two of you be so kind as to escort Mr . Davies here to his office ? See to it that he only removes his personal belongings , and then escort him to his car and make sure he gets off the premises for me . " " Of course , boss . " The bigger of the two stated , then they both went to stand behind Jeff Davies . " After you , Mr . Davies . " " Oh , I 'm pretty sure I have . You , however , can expect to hear from Mr . Archer here before the end of the week . I suggest you seek a good attorney , Jeff . " The ex - board member stormed out of the room , followed by the two security guards . Randall went back to his chair and sat down . " I don 't want any of you to feel like this is punishment . It isn 't , but you allowed Jeff to lead you in a direction you had no business going . I 'm willing to allow any of you to stay on as employees , but under a new contract that does not include stock options . If you wish to stay , give me back your severance packages and I will shred them right here in front of you . If you keep them , I 'll assume that indicates you wish to leave the company . I will expect you to leave the building by the first of the year . Before you decide , let me tell you that I do value your opinion and if you stay , we will change the title of this board from board of directors to CEO advisory board . The duties of that board will be to advise me on ways to keep making this company successful . The final decision will be mine as to what direction we as a company go . Also , I want you to know that your salaries will remain as they are , with incentives given to those that bring us opportunities that bring us more profit . The decision is yours . I 'll leave for a few minutes to check on my fiancé and will expect your answer when I return . " Randall stood and indicated that Larry and Mr . Archer follow him out . He called and checked on Jolene and was told by his staff that she and the wedding planner had gone to talk to some people about flowers and wedding cake . Randall knew right then that Jolene would be getting two gifts today . She had resisted buying a cell phone because she couldn 't afford it before , but he didn 't like not being able to get hold of her or her being able to contact him or get help if she needed it . So tonight , a phone and his extra special gift - he hoped . If the realtor came through for him . Larry arrived at the boardroom door with a trashcan and diamond cut paper shredder . They entered to see that Mr . Archer was already there and answering questions about the new contracts . " Have you four made up your mind ? " Two of them stood up and walked out , holding their severance packages . Randall stopped them both at the door and shook their hands . " I appreciate your honesty , gentlemen . If you need references , I will gladly give you both good ones . " They left and Randall went to the head of the table . Both of the former board members handed him their severance packages and watched as he shredded them . " You each will be asked to come to my office tomorrow to sign your new contracts . I 'm glad that you all are willing to stay and help us make Herrschner Industrial a more successful company . " " She was more than open ! She remembered you and Jolene , and was tickled that Jolene would be the new owner . She accepted your offer and agreed to a January third closing . She also was willing to hang around and help Jolene get settled in as the new owner , if she wants . " The two shook hands and the realtor left . Once he was gone , Randall got to work , taking the contract and putting it in a shirt box with a couple of old paperback books . Then he inserted a yellow sticky note to the contract where Jolene would see it when she opened the box . He wrapped the box and placed the card on it . Then he buzzed Larry . " No , I 'm taking the rest of the day off . I 'll see you tomorrow morning . I 'll be here by nine . If you need me before then , call the cell phone . I 'm not going straight home . I need to pick up one more gift for Jolene . Then I 'll be at the penthouse the rest of the night , I believe . " " Send her to the penthouse . Tell her I want her to throw an engagement party on the rooftop terrace for 100 people , no expense spared . Jarvis can show her the space and I 'll call her tomorrow to hammer out the details . " This story looks like it is going to run another day at least . I hope everyone is enjoying Randall and Jolene 's story . I would love a few comments telling me what you think . - PG Jolene woke to pain on her right side . She looked around her , realizing that she was in a hospital , and reached for the nurse call button , when she noticed Randall sleeping in a chair beside her . She pushed the call button to let the nurse know she was in pain . She looked at her stomach and realized she had been operated on . She sort of remembered someone telling her that her appendix had burst . Randall stirred beside her and opened his eyes to see her looking at him . " Hey , how are you feeling ? " " You really scared me , Jolene . When we got to you , the EMT 's couldn 't wake you up . Then I got here , the doctor said your appendix had ruptured . For a while there , I was afraid I had lost you . " " I thought you might be , so I brought your pain meds with me . This may make you a bit drowsy , don 't fight it . The more you rest , the quicker you 'll heal . " She connected a syringe to Jolene 's IV and about five seconds later , Jolene felt the pain melt away . After she left , Randall stood and came over to the bed . " Jolene , do you think you can stay awake for a few minutes ? I need to talk to you . " Randall reached into a bag that was sitting beside the chair he had been sleeping in and pulled out a box that was wrapped in the Christmas wrapping paper that all her Secret Santa gifts had been wrapped in . He sat it on her lap . " Yes , I have . " She gasped and looked up at her best friend and the only man she had ever loved since high school . " It was you ? You 've been giving me these gifts ? " " Yes , I know you 've thought our dates have been to keep other people away from us . But I 've never thought that way . I 've always loved you . I wanted to make you fall in love with me for real , and had twelve of these planned . Then I saw you laying on the bathroom floor unconscious and realized I don 't want to wait even till Christmas to tell you how I feel . I love you . I want us to be a couple for real . Honestly , I want us to be more than a couple , I want us to be husband and wife , mom and dad , and eventually , a grandma and grandpa together . " Jolene couldn 't stop the tears that leaked out of her eyes . " That 's what I 've wanted , too . I thought you didn 't want me like that . Every time I got one of those gifts , I wished it was you sending it instead of some unknown guy . " " Then let 's make it official . This was going to be gift number twelve . " Randall reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a blue Tiffany 's box and flip it open to reveal a beautiful diamond ring . " Jolene Fairaday , will you marry me ? " Randall slipped the ring out of the box and placed it on her finger . Then he leaned down and kissed the girl of his dreams gently and sweetly for the first time . Jolene wrapped her arms around the man she 'd always dreamed about and the kiss intensified till her toes curled . When Randall pulled away , they were both smiling like goofy lovesick kids . Randall rubbed her check , then leaned down and kissed her again , and whispered , " Get some sleep , my love . I 'll be right here when you wake up . " Jolene looked up at him and slowly did exactly what he 'd told her to do , and slipped into medicine - induced sleep . Her dreams were all about her future with Randall . She knew that her dreams would now become her reality . God had heard the cry of her heart and blessed her with her heart 's desire . Randall felt about her like she felt about him . Randall watched as his fiancé slipped into a drug - induced sleep . She hadn 't even opened her gift but he left it on the hospital table and set the ring box beside it . She said yes ! He 'd been ready to convince her that they were right for each other ; instead she had been feeling the same way he had all this time . They 'd wasted years by not telling each other how they felt . Never again . He 'd tell her every day how much he loved her . He 'd shower her with tokens of his love just to make sure she never felt like he didn 't care about her . She said yes . He wanted to shout it from the rooftops ; instead , he called his assistant and had him make the announcement . When Jolene woke up , he 'd see how long an engagement she wanted . If he had his way they 'd be married before Christmas . They 'd wasted enough time apart . Jolene slowly recovered from the surgery , and having gift number three helped . Randall had gotten her a signed first edition of her favorite book : " Persuasion " by Jane Austen . She loved that he 'd noticed her eyeing it on one of their trips to the used bookstore . Every day she was in the hospital , Randall would arrive right after breakfast with another of those gifts . Each had that Card which always read : " The ___ gift of Christmas My TRUE LOVE gave to me was … " She 'd open each one to realize just how special a man God had gifted her with . Gift four was an antique music box just like one her grandma used to have . Gift five was tickets to see the Nutcracker ballet three days before Christmas . She got gift six just before they released her from the hospital , and it was a new outfit , which she was grateful for since she had been brought to the hospital in her ratty old pajamas . They only had one argument as she was released . She expected to go to her apartment , but instead found herself at Randall 's Penthouse for the first time . " Randall , I can 't stay here with you . What will people think ? " " I don 't care what they think . You need to rest and continue to get well . Here I can look after you , and when I 'm not here , Jarvis and the staff can make sure you are taken care of . " " We won 't be alone , there is staff here all the time and until we get married , you will have your own room . I insist , Jolene . You can 't be alone right now and I refuse to have to kick your door down again . Here , someone can make sure you 're okay and call the doctor if needed . " Randall helped her out of the car and into the elevator . When they stepped out into the penthouse , Jarvis was waiting at the door . " It is good to see you again , Miss Jolene . " The butler gave Jolene his arm and showed her to her suite , which was a bedroom and small sitting area , as well as an ensuite with glass shower and soaker tub . " If you need anything , miss , just push this button , and either I or one of the staff will respond in seconds . Everyone has been informed that your needs are top priority , per Mr . Herrschner 's orders . " The older man nodded . " We have been informed of your favorite foods and beverages . I will have an ice cold grape crush brought to you straightaway , miss . Shall I call you when supper is ready , or would you prefer I have a tray delivered to you ? " She woke several hours later to a knock on her bedroom door . She called at whoever it was to come in , and several of the house staff entered with several boxes of her clothes from her apartment , as well as her laptop and personal grooming products . She eased out of the bed and started putting stuff where she wanted it . As she put the last of the products in the ensuite , there was a scratching sound at her door . She opened it to a see a solid black puppy with a golden bow around its neck and that familiar tag - " The sixth gift of Christmas my TRUE LOVE gave to me was the puppy I always said I wanted . " On the opposite side of the card was , " He 's a Newfoundland puppy just like you always said you wanted . He needs a name . " She squealed and picked up the ball of fur and hugged him to her . " Look at you . You 're such a cutie , you look like a living teddy bear . That 's it I 'll call you - Teddy . Now , I hope Randall bought some puppy pads and food for you . I bet he 's here somewhere let 's go find him . " She sat her Teddy on the ground and headed into the main part of the penthouse . The little puppy whined and then followed right along behind her . When she got into the sitting room , there was Randall looking like the cat that ate the canary . She walked over to him and gave him a big hug and a kiss . " I love him , thank you ! I 'm going to call him Teddy because he looks just like a little teddy bear . " Randall laughed . " You do realize how big these dogs get , right ? It 's going to be hilarious to here you calling a hundred pound beast a little teddy bear . " " I don 't care how big he gets , he 'll always be my teddy bear . Now , did you get him a collar , food and water dishes , and puppy food ? Also , how about puppy pads ? I doubt he 's house broken yet . " " I got you a leash too , in case you want to take him out to the park for a walk . Also , he is scheduled to start obedience training on January the 2nd . I figured as big as he is going to get , you need to make sure he 's properly trained , or he 'll drag us both around like a chew toy . " Jolene sat down on the love seat and waited as Randall sat beside her . Teddy jumped at her legs , trying to get up on her lap . She reached down and pulled the fluffy little bundle of love onto her lap . " We could have a party and invite them all over this weekend if you want . I could have a heated tent put up on the rooftop terrace and hire a band . But I would want us to announce our wedding date if we do that . " " Okay , I will marry you on the twenty - third but you have to get our friends here this weekend . I 'll call the girls I want for bride 's maids and maid of honor . And you will find me a wedding planner tomorrow . " " I know you do . I love you , too . " She leaned against him , asking , " Why did we wait so long to tell each other how we felt ? " Randall nodded and kissed her soundly , which was hard with a wiggly puppy trying to lick them both . Jolene got up laughing and sat Teddy on the floor . " Come on , Teddy , let 's get you in the room and get ready for supper . " Randall grabbed his phone and gave Larry a call . " I know it 's late for work , Larry , but I want you to find a Wedding Planner who is willing to plan a wedding for December 23rd . Money isn 't an obstacle . I 'll also need a party planner for a party this weekend . Send them both to the penthouse tomorrow to see Jolene . I 'll be in at some point tomorrow . " He was silent and then said , " Yes I know they are getting antsy , remind them who owns the majority of the stock . I 'll be there by noon then . Just get me those planners here in the morning . " Randall hung up and then called his real estate broker and told him what he wanted to purchase and scheduled to see him at the office tomorrow at two . Jolene would be blown away by her next present . He planned to see all her dreams fulfilled from now on . Tuesday went by without a gift or word from her secret Santa . Jolene was kind of glad , there was something almost stalker - like about having someone know where you live and what you like and you have no clue who they were . She figured he must be someone she knew but the only one who came to mind that knew her that well was Randall . While she was secretly in love with him , he really only saw her as a sister or good buddy . Someone he could turn to for a night out without drama or tons of paparazzi . Wednesday she got up to go to work and experienced a severe pain in her right side . Before she could even get dressed she found herself on the floor in terrible pain . She dialed 911 and after they told her they were sending an ambulance , she called Randall . Since her grandmother 's passing , he was her emergency contact person . Before he could answer , another wave of pain hit her and she crawled to the bathroom and started vomiting . Randall answered to the noise of her being sick and immediately told her he was on his way . The pain didn 't cease and neither did the nausea . She could hear someone pounding on her door but she couldn 't move to respond . Then everything went black as the pain grew in intensity and her body finally passed out from the pain . Randall woke to his phone ringing . The caller ID showed that it was Jolene . Why would she be calling this early , he wondered . He answered to hear her retching on the other end . That went on and on and she didn 't respond to his calling out to her . Something was very wrong . " Don 't worry , Jolene , I 'm on my way . " He threw on some clothes and grabbing the keys to his Tesla , tore out of his house . By the time he hit the street the sports car was humming its way to 100 mph . He turned on his emergency flashers and laid on the horn as he tore across town to Jolene 's apartment . He arrived just as an ambulance did . He didn 't wait to see where they were going but headed straight up to Jolene 's apartment . He started knocking on the door but Jolene didn 't answer . He tried to call her and tell her he was there but her phone was busy . Then the EMTs arrived at the door . This made him more worried than he had been and he started pounding on the door as hard as he could . The first responders talked about going to the super and getting him to let them in . Randall wasn 't going to wait that long and took a step back and using his muscular leg kicked the door right at the deadbolt . The cheap frame couldn 't withstand the force of the worried and adrenaline fueled man ; the door slammed open with a loud crack . He entered and stepped aside as the Medical personnel raced into the apartment . He showed them where the bathroom was and there they found Jolene unconscious on the cold tile floor . They quickly tried to revive her but she never fully became conscious . They strapped her to the gurney and headed out to the hospital . Randall stopped down at the management office , explained about Jolene 's door , and asked that they repair it and send him the bill . Then he raced to the hospital at a breakneck speed , pushing the electric sports car to its limit . All the way there he prayed that Jolene would be okay . He entered the emergency room and asked about her . The woman at the desk told him what room she was in and buzzed the door open for him . He entered her room to see a doctor and several nurses working on her . Jolene 's face was pale and soaked with sweat . There were wires and machines all around her . . Randall pulled his cell phone out and called his personal assistant . " Larry , its Randall , fax Jolene 's Medical Power of Attorney letter to the emergency room at county hospital immediately and cancel all my appointments till I say otherwise . I don 't care , do it now . Oh , and send me a shot of it right now to my phone . Yes , right now . " With that he hung up and waited for the buzz that said he had received a text . Then he opened it and showed it to the doctor . " Here , the fax is on the way . Now start talking . " The doctor looked at the document on the screen . " Alright , your friend 's appendix has ruptured . I need to get her stabilized and into surgery as quickly as possible . " The doctor nodded and sent one of the nurses to get the paperwork and call surgery . Then they rushed Jolene out the door and up to the surgery team . " You can wait for her in the surgery waiting room upstairs . Someone will contact you when she is out of surgery . " The nurse put her hand on his arm to stop him . " Just know they are doing everything they can , but this is a very serious condition your friend finds herself in . " Randall felt as if the rug had been pulled out from under him . He knew what the nurse was saying ; Jolene 's life was in danger . He nodded to her and hurried upstairs to the surgery waiting area . On the way he called the pastor of their church and told him what was going on . He called Jolene 's office and told them what was going on as well . Then he put the phone in his pocket and contacted the only one who could really do anything to help them . " God , please don 't let her die . Help the surgeon and guide his hands . Heal her , God . I can 't lose her , not yet , not without telling her how I feel . " He continued to pray while waiting to hear that she was out of surgery and okay . He didn 't even notice when the pastor arrived , so intense was his inner prayer and turmoil . He noticed nothing till he heard someone asking for the family of Jolene Fairday . Then he was on his feet . " That 's me . " An exhausted looking woman in surgical scrubs approached him . " Jolene is out of surgery and in recovery . Her appendix ruptured and it took a while to get all the infection that had leaked into her system . I 'm going to start her on a high dose of antibiotics and keep her for a few days to make sure they are working . I think we got it all and she should be okay in about a week . Sore for a while , but okay . You should be able to see her in about an hour . I 'll have one of the nurses get you when she is awake . She 's lucky , it could have been a lot worse . If you hadn 't found her she could have died . " The doctor nodded and headed back into the surgical ward . Randall couldn 't think straight , all he could hear was , " She could have died . " She could have died never knowing that he really and truly loved her . Well , that was going to change . Enough Secret Santa crap ; it was time to man up and tell Jolene how he really felt . With that decided he turned and talked with the pastor , letting him know what the doctor had said and arranging for him to come visit Jolene after she had rested and recovered some . Randall watched as Jolene walked up to her apartment . He 'd just dropped her off after spending the evening at his company 's stockholders dinner . He didn 't know how but he wanted to get out of the friend zone with her . He loved her and she just saw him as her " big brother " , the guy she could count on to keep the sharks at bay . It had been that way since they were in high school . Jolene had been beautiful even then , and boys were constantly trying to be her boyfriend . She just wasn 't interested and had approached Randall to be her smoke screen . Like him , she didn 't want to be bothered with dating during school . They both wanted to be free to concentrate on their grades and make something of themselves , helping them escape the poverty they both grew up in . So they pretended to be a couple . Now , after college and through his success the tables had turned . He needed the smoke screen to keep the women who wanted to get their hands on his money away . So their relationship , while it looked like they were a couple , was really still only that of friends . Randall wanted it to be more but had no idea if Jolene would be open to that and didn 't want to make things " weird " between them . He needed an idea to break out of the friend zone and get Jolene to see him as a real romantic possibility . Then an idea hit him and he sped away to start putting it into action . Jolene returned home after work to find a package sitting in front of her door . It was wrapped in festive Christmas paper and had a card with her name on it attached to a beautiful silk bow on top . She looked left and right , not seeing anyone that might have left it . The card , when she turned it over , said " The first gift of Christmas my TRUE LOVE gave to me was … " She opened her door and went in her apartment . She opened the box to find an envelope . On the outside it said , " to be pampered for a day like a queen . " She opened the envelope to find the following typewritten card . " Tomorrow a limo will pick you up at 10 : 00 am and whisk you off for a day of pampering at a luxurious day spa . Anything you want has been provided and all expenses are paid for including tips . Enjoy your day my love . Your Secret Santa . " She wanted to refuse but how do you refuse a gift when you didn 't know who sent it . Whoever it was had already spent the money and she really loved the idea of being pampered for the whole day . Still , who did she know that would bathe her in such luxury ? Randall , of course , but he didn 't think of her like that . She wished he would , but they 'd been friends so long that he didn 't see her as anything but his shark repellent . She needed to share this with someone so why not call him and see what he thought . She picked up the phone and then thought " No , he might tell me it 's creepy and not to accept it . I 'll call him tomorrow after I get home , that way it will be too late for me not to go . " She made herself some dinner and then took a bubble bath which was the closest thing to pampering she 'd ever experienced . She lay there wondering who in the world thinks they are my true love ? Why wouldn 't they just come out and say it ? The answer was obvious ; everyone who knew her thought she and Randall were dating . That was the plan to keep the money hungry vamps off him and any guy she didn 't want to see away from her . However , it was exciting to think someone else wanted her love and wanted to shower love on her . She slipped from the bath and climbed into bed where she was wooed all night by a lover who worshiped and adored her . The only problem was he always had Randall 's face and voice . The next day was wonderful . Anything she thought of was provided for her . Her favorite drink and snacks . Her favorite dinner was served to her as well . As for pampering , she had her hair done , a manicure and pedicure . Then a massage , afterwards her body was rubbed with scented oils and then she was allowed to sit in a sauna followed by a hot tub and then a shower . Afterwards she was given a second massage and rubbed again with scented oils . The limo picked her up that night just before the spa was scheduled to close and dropped her off at her apartment . Once inside she sank into bed wondering who had given her such a perfect gift . Sunday saw her climbing into Randall 's Tesla with an extra bit of pep in her step . " Hey , nice hair - do , and is that new perfume , too ? Someone certainly splurged this weekend . " Jolene told him about the present waiting for her when she got home Friday and the gift her Secret Santa had given her . She left out the part about him calling himself her true love , knowing how Randall would have taken that . He grilled her anyway and warned her to be careful about accepting gifts from strangers . " Next time you want a day at the Spa , just call me . After all , I 'm supposed to be your boyfriend . " " Yeah , right ! We both know that 's just for show , Randall , and I didn 't need a day at the Spa . Someone thought it would make a nice gift and they were right . I just wish I knew who it was so I could thank them . " She slapped his arm . " Don 't you dare ! You 'll scare them away . Besides , it 's kinda fun trying to figure it out . " Randall didn 't say anything but worked hard not to smile when he heard Jolene making such a big deal over his first gift . " Maybe , just maybe this will actually work . " He thought . Monday had been particularly tough at work for Jolene . She found herself wishing the day would end so she could just rush home and relax and recover from the trials of the day . Just as she was about to head out her phone rang . " Hello ? " " Miss Jolene , this is Harold Clinton , your apartment manager . There is a man here asking to be let into your apartment . He says he 's here to clean for you . " As he had been speaking , a messenger walked up to her desk and handed her an manila envelope with her name on it . She opened it to find a red envelope inside . It said , " The second gift of Christmas my TRUE LOVE gave to me was … " Jolene got in her car and drove straight home . When she arrived , her apartment was clean and there were wonderful smells coming out of the kitchen . A man in a tuxedo greeted her at the kitchen door . " Good evening , miss . My name is Jarvis and I am your butler for the evening . Chef says that he needs half an hour more on your meal . I have taken the liberty of drawing you a bath if you would like to soak . I will call you when dinner is served . " Jolene nodded and then reached out to stop the butler before he disappeared into the kitchen . " Jarvis , one question . Do you know the name of the man who sent you all here ? " She opened it to find this . " It is only natural that you would be curious as to who I am . I am the man who loves you with all his heart . I am the man who knows you 're every like and dislike . I am the man who will strive to make you feel happy , loved , safe and secure every day of his life . My name will be revealed to you , my love , but not just yet . For now I am your secret Santa and TRUE LOVE . When you realize the latter is true then all will be revealed . " Jolene sighed , one thing was certain ; this man knew how to infect a girls heart . She made her way into the bathroom where true to Jarvis word was a bubble bath . She sank into the warm water and just let the cares and stress of the day melt away in the warm suds . Almost before she was ready , Jarvis was knocking on the door . " Dinner is ready , miss , whenever you are . " Jolene climbed out of the tub and quickly dried off and put on her favorite pajamas . She figured if her Secret Santa wanted her to relax then she would dress the part . She walked to her dining table and sat down . Jarvis nodded and opened the kitchen door . Jolene was shocked to see the Chef of her favorite restaurant carrying a dome - covered plate to her . He sat it before her and lifted the lid to reveal her favorite dish from his restaurant - toasted sesame ginger salmon on a bed of wild rice . There were roasted Brussel sprouts and asparagus on the side . Then , when she was done with all that , the chef brought out a single person cake and sat it in front of her . It was white with rose petals and pistachios on top . " Enjoy your Persian Love Cake , miss , " the Chef said as he put on his coat and left the apartment . Jarvis smiled and said . " Yes , Jolene , enjoy your dessert while my crew cleans up your kitchen . I will inform you before we leave so that you may lock up after us . I hope that your night has been special and relaxing as was intended . " Jolene ate about half of the small cake before it just became too rich to eat another bite . She rose and stuck her head in the kitchen . " I couldn 't finish that cake , Jarvis . Would you make sure the leftovers get put in the fridge for tomorrow ? " Randall was tickled pink ; Jolene was eating his Secret Santa gifts up . If this worked he 'd be the happiest man in the world . Tomorrow he 'd take care of getting the items for the next gift . He 'd seen her eyeing it the last time they 'd gone shopping together . In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world . ( This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria . ) And everyone went to his own town to register . So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea , to Bethlehem the town of David , because he belonged to the house and line of David . He went there to register with Mary , who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child . While they were there , the time came for the baby to be born , and she gave birth to her firstborn , a son . She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger , because there was no room for them in the inn . And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby , keeping watch over their flocks at night . An angel of the Lord appeared to them , and the glory of the Lord shone around them , and they were terrified . But the angel said to them , " Do not be afraid . I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people . Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you ; he is Christ the Lord . This will be a sign to you : You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger . " Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel , praising God and saying , " Glory to God in the highest , and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests . " When the angels had left them and gone into heaven , the shepherds said to one another , " Let 's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened , which the Lord has told us about . " So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph , and the baby , who was lying in the manger . When they had seen him , they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child , and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them . But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart . The shepherds returned , glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen , which were just as they had been told . Leave a comment Weeks went by and just as Nate had predicted the snowstorm came and made getting off the mountain impossible . As harsh as winter in the Mountains were for Nate , it was made worse by the fact that his leg wasn 't healing . Instead it seemed as if the wound had putrified . He 'd had to cut the stitches open and clean out the infection . He 'd poured several jugs of bourbon into the hole over the past few weeks ; still it seemed as if the wound was getting worse instead of better . Nate knew that he was going to have to clean his knife and scrape the inside of the wound to get all the diseased flesh cleared out . He also knew how painful that would be and the fight he 'd have just to stay conscious enough to finish the task . He took his boot knife and washed it in bourbon , heated it to glowing on the fire , and quenched it in bourbon again . Then he methodically set to work on the wound . It took considerable time and effort as he had to stop every time the pain would start to grey his vision so that he didn 't pass out and bleed to death . Once he was sure that he had cleaned out all the infected flesh , he flushed it again with alcohol and sewed it closed . He knew that he was close to losing his leg or even his life . He offered a prayer up to the Good Lord and then collapsed onto the cot . The next few days passed in a fevered state as Nate 's body fought to heal itself . He even became delirious , at times seeing Penny , or Ole Davey , Nathan , or even his old gentleman 's gentleman Sloan . Finally after about a week the fever broke . His leg had started to mend . Nate was as weak as a newborn colt and twice as hungry . On legs that were as wobbly as that new colt he hobbled out to the smoke house and wrestled to carry in an elk shoulder . He got it in the shack and carved a goodly sized piece off with his Bowie . He started a fire and once it was burned down to coals , he roasted the meat and ate every bite of it and then sopped up the skillet with an old piece of hard bread from his pack . After his meal , Nate felt a bit stronger and cooked up some more of the meat to fill the whole in his middle . He felt like he hadn 't eaten in so long that his front was touching his back . After eating another piece of his elk shoulder Nate sat to figuring exactly how long he 'd been out of it . As near as he could tell it must be almost Christmas and he 'd been out of it for several weeks . How he had lived was nothing short of a miracle . Nate removed the bandage to get a good look at his wound . He realized that it had closed up on its own so he soaked the make shift stitches he 'd put in it . When they were soft he clipped them and slowly pulled them from the wound , being careful not to reopen the healing hole . Carefully he pushed around the outside , realizing that while still a bit tender it was mostly healed . He 'd probably have a slight limp and tenderness the rest of his life but considering how close he came to losing the whole leg he was grateful for what God had done . Nate knew it had to be God that had healed it because he was sure before the fever took him that gangrene had set in . Iffen the Good Lord didn 't touch his leg and heal it , he 'd have been in heaven by now . He slipped outside and looking up to heaven knelt in the snow and said a little prayer . " Thankee , Lord , fer seeing me through this here illness . I reckon I owe ya another one . You jest let me know when and how to be a payin ' y ' all back and I 'll do it . I know next ta my life it might seem like a small thing but iffen you could jest let David 's family know I 'm alright and jest stuck on this here mountain I 'd be mighty obliged to y ' all . Oh , and while I 'm a sending requests yer way , could ya have one of yer angels keep an eye on the Morgan feller and his family . Thanks again , Lord . I 'll jaw at cha later . " He grabbed his rifle and took a little walk to see iffen he could find any fresh game to eat . Smoked elk was fine and so was the bit of venison he had left but a fat rabbit or a couple a squirrels for breakfast tomorrow would be a welcome change . After walking for several hours and finding nothing or no trail of any game , Nate began to tire and headed back to the shack . He made the last of his coffee to go with the last of his elk shoulder He had enough deer meat for three more days and then he 'd have to venture higher on the mountain in hopes of finding game . Not in several years had he ever been in such dire straits . But he was Nugget Nate , and iffen anyone could survive this winter on this mountain , it was him . No winter or Mountain had ever beaten him yet and he weren 't ready to let this one be the one that did it . Three days passed like a flash . Nate knew things were dire ; he 'd seen neither hide nor hair of game or even sign that the game had moved higher or lower . He 'd ventured both higher and lower without any sign . Nate knew that wasn 't normal . Even in the most harshest of winters he 'd been able to find some game but for some reason this year nothing . Nate ate the very last of his stored meat and drank the last cup of bourbon that he 'd brought with him . In the morning he 'd have no choice but to pack up his furs and start trekkin ' down the mountain to town . He had lost complete track of what day it was but he knew even if he made good time and got down the mountain in a week he 'd still not make New York by Christmas . For all he knew he may have missed the Blessed Lord 's Birthday Celebration already . Not to let the day slip away without talking to his most precious friend , the Mountain Legend knelt beside his bed and poured out his heart to his maker . " Well , Jesus , reckon y ' all know what kind of trouble I done gone and gotten myself into this time . I sure would welcome one of them there miracles yer known to hand out every once in a while . Iffen not , then jest keep me safe as I start down this here mountain in the mornin ' . Reckon iffen ya could see fit to send a bit of game my way , too , I 'd be mighty obliged . Reckon y ' all know how much I love ya . Iffen it wouldn 't be too improper , wonder iffen y ' all 'd tell Penny that I miss her most every day and I 'm a tryin ' to keep my word to her , but this here mountain might jest keep me from it . Again I thankee , Jessus . I 'll talk with y ' all a bit later , g ' night . Nate came awake and could have sworn he heard bells . But that was impossible ; no one but Nugget Nate would be stubborn enough to try and ride out winter in the High Lonesome of the Rocky Mountains in Colorado . Just as he was about to drift off to sleep he heard them again , a slight jingling of sleigh bells and a voice , " Hello the camp . " Nate rolled out of bed and grabbed up his rifle just to be cautious . As he moved silently to the door to open it , the voice came again . " Nugget Nate , you old Mountain Man , get yer tail out here right now . I 'm on a tight schedule so quit playing possum ; grab yer furs and let 's get going . I got a mountain of deliveries to make tonight . " The man standing in front of the sleigh and eight reindeer let out his trademark laugh , " HO HO HO ! You know what they say , Nugget Nate , I see you when you 're sleeping , I see you when you 're awake . I see if you 've been bad or good or in your case , just careless . " Santa Clause nodded his head " I remember , too , Nate . I remember that without your help and know how my mission to give gifts in the name of the Savior would have ended . I was more than willing to make this little extra stop when HE sent me the message along with this year 's blessing to help you out . " The Jolly Old Elf let out another belly laugh . " HO , HO , HO , Nate . Get your furs and anything you don 't want to leave here . I 'm gonna make sure you keep your word to your family . I 'm gonna get you home for Christmas . " Nate , never one to mince words or movements , grabbed his buckskins and moccasins and the furs he 'd trapped that year as well as his guns , knives , and Ole Davey 's hatchet . On the way out the door he grabbed his coonskin cap and settled it on his head and dumped a bucket - full of snow on the dying embers . " All right then , Santa , let 's get a movin ' . I don 't know about this flyin ' deer of y ' alls but I reckon it 's trust my life to you and a herd of victuals or not keep my word to my family . " " HO , HO , HO ! I 'm sure the girls won 't hold it against you that you think of them as food instead of trusted steads . I 'm sure your Lightning would feel the same if I had to have him blessed to fly my sleigh . " Nate and the Hero of Christmas both climbed on board the sleigh . Nate tucked his gear under Santa 's bag in the back and gripped the front of the sleigh with both hands . Santa took the reins in hand and gave them a snap . " On Dasher , On Dancer . On Prancer and Vixen . Up Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen . To the top of the roof , to the top of the trees . Now dash away , dash away , dash away all . " Nate watched as the whole of the United States of America flew by underneath him . If only people could see the country as Nick did every year . Shoot , the whole world . They 'd realize how small they really were in the grand scheme of God 's creation . Maybe then there would be peace on earth and good will towards man . The ride was over long before Nate wanted it to be . They landed in the street in front of his New York residence . " I would have dropped you off at David 's but I know you couldn 't have resisted waking them before I left . " Nate laughed along with Saint Nick . " Well , Nick , you couldn 't blame me , could y ' all ? They still don 't believe me about last time . They think I bought myself them carving ' tools and put yer initials on it as a joke . " " Yes , I know , Nate , but I 'm glad to remain a legend and nothing more . My mission is to remind everyone of the most precious of Christmas gifts , our Savior . If proof of my existence was out there , I 'm afraid I would become more important than HE would be . I fear it may happen anyway in a few years . " The Patron Saint of Christmas shook his head . " No , Nate , we 're even now . I owed you for the emergency repair of my sleigh ; consider that debt paid . Now get inside and get some sleep , you need to get up soon and go spend the birth of Christ with your family . Won 't they be surprised to see you walk into Church in the morning ? I only wish I could be there to see it . HO , HO , HO ! Santa snapped the reins again and off the reindeer and sleigh flew . Just as Nugget Nate was about to knock and wake Slone to let him in , he heard drifting down from the heavens , " Merry Christmas , Nugget Nate , and a blessed holy night . " Nugget Nate fans , I hope you enjoy this sequel to yesterday 's " Nugget Nate Saves Christmas " . It takes place a bunch of years after that story and after a book I hope to release by the end of 2016 ; the Lord willin ' and the creek don 't rise , as Nate would say , titled " Nugget Nate : Why a Good Man Goes to War " . Any way , enjoy part one and come back tomorrow for the conclusion in part 2 of " Nugget Nate and the Santa Rescue . " - PG Since Penny 's death , he had lost himself in the Mountains . Trapping and surviving off his wit and skill . He had no desire to be around people . Heck , iffen she hadn 't made him promise to reconcile with David and look after Nathan he 'd have just disappeared into the mountains for good . Slowly he crested the ridge and saw his prey about a hundred yards away , about to enter into a thick stand of trees . Nate eased himself up off his knee and slowly lifted his Winchester into position . He missed Bessy , his Kentucky long rifle , but loved the quick reload of the new - fangled lever rifle . He 'd never admit it to anyone but his Maker but his eyes weren 't what they used to be and his aim not quite as true . He breathed out and held his breath to steady his aim and slowly depressed the trigger . Just before his trigger reached its break point , there came the crack of a rifle off to his left and a terrible pain hit his hip . The elk lifted it 's head and then darted into the thicket . Nate eased of the trigger and tried to spin left as he heard something thundering through the brush towards him . All of a sudden his leg gave out under him and he pitched face forward into the leaves of the forest floor . Just then a young man dressed in store bought denim arrived right in front of him . The stupid Dandy had mistaken Nate for a deer and shot him . The man looked at the old mountaineer and his face turned white at the blood oozing from the hole in Nate 's hip . Nate held out his hand for it . " I 'm gonna pack that bullet hole with it ' til I can get back to my trapper shack and dig it out . It will stop the bleeding and keep any infection from getting in the wound . " Nate pulled a flask of Kentucky bourbon out of his game bag and pulled the stopper out . He took a big swig to steel himself to the pain and then poured some into the bullet hole . He let out a mighty yell , tore a good sized piece off the moss and shoved it into the wound , screaming the whole time . Nate kept packing the wound until it was full of moss . Then he pulled a scrap of old long johns out of his pack and cut off a strip that he used to tie over the wound , keeping the moss in . " The one and only , Harm . Listen , iffen you mean it about helping me , why don 't we help each other ? You help me get back to my trapper shack and I 'll give ya some already smoked venison to take back to your family . " " Sure you can . Think of it as me keeping ya from shooting any other trappers that might be up here in the mountain . Or keeping you from getting shot by one . Some of us old timers don 't take too kindly to greenhorns stomping around in our territory and running off the game . " The man did exactly that and handed it and the hatchet back to Nate . Nate took the hatchet and shortened the sapling to the size he needed to use as a crutch . " Help me get up on my feet and then we 'll head towards my camp . I might need to lean on you a bit later . I ain 't as young as I once was and this stick will help but I might need more than it to lean on before I get there . Don 't neither of us need to get caught out here in the open after dark . " Nate shook his head at how little the young fella knew about the mountains . " Two reasons . One , I 'm covered in blood and that will bring the wolves and cougars looking for easy prey . The other is that it 's gonna get below freezing after the sun goes down . Now come on , daylight is a wasting . " Nate slung his rifle over his right shoulder and placing the sapling under his left arm , began the long trek of hobbling back to his camp . Harm walked beside him making enough noise to drive any game they might have come across to scatter before they could see them . As they went , Nate tried to help the boy by showing him how to move slower and quieter . Harm never got as quiet as Nate even with a bum leg but he wasn 't sounding like a company of soldiers anymore . Nate pointed out different game trails and the tracks of rabbits , marlins , a lynx , deer and elk . Before long Harm could tell the difference between them and Nate knew the lad would be able to find meat later for his family . About a mile from Nate 's camp they started to come across Nate 's trap lines . Every one that had an animal in it , Nate got Harm to collect them . Those that were empty they tripped , so that no animal would get caught in them . Nate knew that it would be a while before he would be able to get around to check them again . Just as the sun was dipping below the mountaintops , Nate and Harm reached Nate 's trapper shack . Once inside , the young man got a fire going and at Nate 's direction got a pot of coffee started and a couple of elk steaks in the skillet to fry . They dropped a couple of potatoes into some melted snow to boil . Then Nate sat on the floor and scooted over to the fireplace , pulled a small thin knife out of his moccasin boot and buried it 's blade in the red hot coals to sterilize it . The young man nodded and when Nate pulled the knife from the fire and poured some more bourbon on it to cool and continue sterilizing it , the young man pulled on his coat and left the cabin . Nate chuckled as he untied the makeshift bandage from his leg . He took a swig of the bourbon to steel himself to the pain and then pulled out the moss and tossed it into the fire . He picked up the knife and slid it into the wound . Nate grabbed a wooden spoon and shoved it between his teeth to bite down on so as not to grind his teeth together in pain . He pushed until he felt the tip of the knife hit the slug in his leg . He angled the knife away from the bullet and pushed harder , feeling the knife bite into his flesh as it slid past the bullet . Nate stopped and waited ' til his vision wasn 't greying out anymore , angled the knife the other direction and felt it slip under the edge of the slug . Slowly he drew the blade out keeping it wedged against the bullet . After many stops and starts and a few slugs of bourbon , Nate finally drew the bullet out of the hole . He reached one more time for the jug sitting beside him and despite the pain poured a goodly amount of the amber liquid into the wound . Then he scooted over to the cot in the corner and used his Bowie knife to slice a two - inch strip off the cotton sheet . He cut that in half , folded it , and laid it against the wound . He tied the other half around his leg to hold the bandage to the wound . As the sun rose , Nate knew something wasn 't right with his leg but he also knew that if Harm didn 't leave today he wouldn 't get off the mountain before the winter weather made it impossible . He struggled out of the cot and grabbing the stick he had used as a crutch hobbled over to where Harm was still sleeping . " Hey , Harm git yer lazy butt up . You need to git packed and git back down this mountain . There 's snow in the next couple days and iffen you get caught , then y ' all be stuck here with me until spring . " The young man got up and took one look at Nate leaning on the sapling crutch . " Nate , I can 't leave you like this . How are you going to survive ? " " Boy , I was surviving worse than a little bullet in the leg before you were out of short pants . I kilt my first bear on my tenth birthday and saved Davey Crockett 's life too . So you eat some breakfast , get that meat I gave ya , and git yer butt offa my mountain before you go and insult me worsen ya already did . " The young fella blushed at the thought that he just might have made it seem like he thought Nugget Nate couldn 't survive without his help , when in reality Nate wouldn 't have needed any help if he hadn 't accidentally shot the legend in the leg . He scrambled out of bed and got his pack together . While Harm was doing that Nate hobbled out to the smoke house and grabbed some bacon and then a few eggs he 'd rustled up a couple of days before . Every step cause more pain and by the time he was back to the fireplace he was sweating from the pain . He eased himself down on a stump he used as a stool and stirred the coals until they glowed a cherry red . Then he put the bacon in his skillet and set it to frying up . He pulled the cooked bacon from the pan and quickly fried four eggs in the bacon grease . Lastly , he threw a couple cups of water in the skillet and cooked up some grits . All the while the coffee was a percolating in the pot . Nate divided everything equally and slid two plates onto the table . He pulled two tin coffee cups off of the pegs on the side of the fireplace and sat them and the coffee pot on the table as well . Both men sat down and dug into the victuals without a word said between them . Once the plates were clear and the pot of coffee drank down to the dregs , Nate looked at the young man . " Harm Morgan , I won 't say it was a pleasure meetin ' y ' all but I will say I 'm sorry to see y ' all go . Now you take that pack and yer rifle and you git a going while the sun is still shining . Don 't you dilly - dally , either . You keep a good steady pace and make it off this here mountain as quick as y ' all can . I reckon that there snowfall is gonna be here in the next two days iffen it don 't come sooner . You want to be as low as you can before it starts . Iffen ya jest keep the mossy side of the trees to yer left you 'll hit the town without a problem . " " Naw ! I ain 't got all my trap lines in yet and you can 't wait on me to get them pulled . I knows how to survive a snowstorm in the Tall Lonesome . You don 't and would jest get us both kilt . So you take what I gave ya and git . Don 't even try to do anymore hunting on the way down , jest get offa this mountain as quick as ya ken , y ' all hear me ? " Harm nodded , shook Nate 's hand and thanked him one more time for the meat . Then without a look back the young green horn headed out of the trapper 's camp heading south . Nate whispered a prayer to the Good Lord that he 'd keep the young man safe and on the right path to reach civilization before he either froze to death or lost the meat Nate had given him . Once Nate was sure he was gone , he unwrapped the bullet wound . It was red and very tender which was not a good sign at all . Nate knew that what he had for a bandage wasn 't very sanitary . That old sheet had been in use ever since he 'd left Redemption after Penny 's burying . He reckoned he 'd be better off to pour some more bourbon in the wound to clean it out again and then sew it closed and cover it with some moss instead of another square off of the sheet . He tossed the bloody square onto the remains of his morning fire and went outside to gather up a bit of moss . Once he had what he needed he went and got a needle and some gut line from his pack . He placed the needle and gut in a cup full of bourbon to sterilize them as best as he could . He threaded the gut into the needle and quickly closed up the wound as best as he could . Then he poured even more bourbon over the closed wound , put the moss against it , and wrapped the whole thing with the strip of sheet and tied it tight . Next he took a piece of fire wood and whittled it down to make a cross arm for his make shift crutch . He cut the sapling down to a more comfortable cane size , attached the handle he 'd whittled to it and tied them tight with a couple of pieces of rawhide . Then he stood and tested it out . It wouldn 't win any beauty contest but it would do for what he needed . He felt bad for lying to young Harm Morgan but he knew if the boy didn 't get off the mountain before the snow came he 'd be stuck here ' til spring , just like Nate was going to be . He 'd promised his daughter - in - law and grandkids he 'd be in New York for Christmas but unless a miracle happened he just didn 't see how it was possible . He was in no shape to get off the mountain in a month let alone the next two days . If he tried to push on his leg wound it would certainly get infected and that would lose Nate his leg , or worse , his life . He couldn 't envision living without his leg and as much as he 'd love to be in glory with Penny and his Savior Jesus , he knew it weren 't time for him to go yet . He 'd just have to tough it out on this mountain ' til spring . By then his leg would be healed and the family would understand , especially Nathan . The boy had spent many a summer with Nate and knew that sometimes you beat the mountain but sometimes the mountain won and you jest had to let it have its way . " He pulled some firewood into the shack and stoked the fire so it would continue to burn through the day . After that he was feeling mighty tired and his leg hurt a great deal . He grabbed his jug of liquor and retreated to the camp cot . A couple of big swigs to dull the pain and Nate slipped into a deep sleep . |
My sister and I have 3 horses that we trail ride - - a Morab , a Morgan and a Morgan mix . This blog is all about them . By the way , check out my two books " Trail Training for the Horse and Rider " and " Trail Horse Adventures and Advice . I also have the most adorable , loveable cat named Thunder . I call him a mini Maine Coon . He is the light of my life when things go wrong . He will always listen to me and try to comfort and cheer me up . He does a pretty good job of it , too . The picture is of Dante , but the post is about the rest of the horses . I rode Cole with Kevin on Starry on Friday evening . It was very chilly , but the horses behaved . Kevin likes to ride with us , because it wakes sleepy Starry up . When we got back , we did chores and then rushed to his house to watch some episodes of " The Office " that he rented . We love that show . Saturday gave us a perfect morning for riding . Ellen and I went out for an hour and a quarter with Cole and Ranger . These guys get along quite well because Cole is so respectful of Ranger . We put Range in the lead , and Cole will match his speed rather than pass - - after all , Ranger might put his ear back or snarl . We wanted to do a repeat on Sunday , but there was a light rain . It wasn 't too cold , so we decided to ride - - but we would go a half hour one way , pass home and go a half hour the other way . This way , if it started to rain hard , we wouldn 't be too far from home . The first half went well , but the wind started to pick up on the second half . We went the direction that we hadn 't gone yet this year . Ranger got very hyper on the way out , because that trail leads towards an old barn he used to live at . He loved that place , and years later , gets excited when he thinks he is going back . Cole didn 't get hyper until we turned to go home . That 's when Ranger pouts . We ended up leading on the way back because we got cold . We mounted to cross the river right before the barn , of course . Monday , it was back to work for us . I rode Cole with Kevin and Starry . For whatever reason , Starry was feeling silly , and he gave Kevin some trouble , so Kevin didn 't want to canter . Sigh . I don 't canter with Ranger anymore , so I didn 't get much cantering in , lately . Maybe tomorrow . It 's more than a week , still , before this beautiful boy comes to Ohio . I can 't wait to see him . Ellen is both nervous and excited . She hasn 't bought a horse in 17 years . This is a big event for her . She is making plans and dreaming about the future . Of course , I will share all about it , here . My boyfriend , Kevin , wasn 't able to ride with me last night , but he didn 't miss too much . It was rainy , cold and the river was too high to cross . At first , I didn 't even think I could ride outside because of the rain . When I arrived at the barn , I peaked into the indoor arena , and a horse was being lounged . I figured I would wait until it was empty , so I cleaned a couple of stalls . The lounging was over , and I started to saddle - and the rain stopped ! Hurray ! I really couldn 't bring myself to ride inside . That 's how I always get this time of the year . Cole and I went down the hill to the raging river . This hill is where he has been reliably unreliable . It isn 't just when he is going home , either . If I do successive trips , he gets worse with each one - up and down . To make things more complicated , I have begun to trot up the hill . I started last fall , a little , and soon as he settled down this spring we began again . It makes doing the hill more interesting and a better workout . Eventually , we 'll be cantering up , too . When working the hill faster than the walk , the rule is - the last trip home has to be at a walk . The hill is just across the street from the stables , and a horse can learn to rush up it really quick . My first horse , Brandy , was allowed to run up this hill by his previous owner , my aunt . When we rode him as kids , we were barely able to stop him at the top - and though I rode him on different trails when I owned him , we always had trouble with hills . There is a flat section on top , in the middle and at the bottom . We can trot the flat sections going away from home very easily , so we do . I insist he walks down the slopes , and that is a challenge at times . Last night , he did good going down the hill the first two times and was pretty speedy the last time - but never broke into the trot without permission . We trotted up halfway on the first trip , and he was very well behaved . We walked the last section to the street because he just isn 't ready for faster work , there - - home is too strong of a lure for him at that point . We then turned around - practicing our turn on the haunches and headed back down . The second trip up , he was much more hyper at the trot , and I decided return to a walk after about a third of the way up . Good thing . I was glad we were walking when we saw the turkey at the side of the trail stretching his wings . We passed him up and continued to the top , practiced our turn on the haunches and headed back down . When we got halfway down , we saw the turkey on the middle of the trail . Cole wasn 't afraid , but fascinated . He wanted to go visit him . Turkeys are rather new to the area , so I 'm not sure how skittish they are . I can let the horses follow Canadian geese , and they just waddle off the trail . I didn 't know what a turkey would do . We approached cautiously . As we got closer , the turkey moved off the trail and trotted away . We continued down the hill , trotted at the bottom , turned around and headed up . This is when Cole tends to be the worse . Since we have trotted up the hill two times in a row , he is quite enthusiastic about doing it a third time - but this was our last trip . We practiced a few halts to get his attention and then proceeded right past the starting point at a walk ! I was so proud of him . I got off as a reward and led him up the hill . That wasn 't the only reason I got off . I saw some garlic mustard along the trail I wanted to pull out . I have spent years trying to eradicate it from the hill trail , and except for a big patch by the street , I have nearly succeeded . It is a very invasive but tasty plant . I have cooked with it , but I have been pulling it out at home , too , and now I have to go too far to get it . Cole thinks it is tasty , too , and I shared some of it with him as we hiked up the hill . When we got to the center , the turkey was back by the edge of the trail . We approached on foot . When we were close enough that I could have jumped at it and pulled a feather out for Thunder to play with , it took off over the edge of the cliff into a tree above . That spooked Cole . He threw he head up in surprise and trembled - for just a moment - and then he bowed . Doesn 't he just make your heart melt ? He certainly melts mine - - every single day . This picture was taken by my sister 's boyfriend on Easter . He took many of them , and at this point , Thunder looks like he would rather just take a nap . It 's a rough life being a feline model . The big question - - will he be able to keep up with Cole when Cole 's trot goes into turbo ? I think so ! Ellen and I had so much fun , in the old days , trotting Cruise and Ranger at top speed . None could keep up with us without cantering . ( I take that back - - Kevin used to have a fast - trotting Morgan , RB . I think he kept up with us . ) They could absolutely fly ! I think the tradition might live on . . . Doesn 't he have a lovely trot ? I can 't wait to see him trot in person . In a sense , I will be the lucky one , since when we ride together , I will be the one watching his pretty trot . Ellen will hardly ever see it ! I suppose , we could switch horses and she could ride Cole and watch Dante , but I doubt if I 'll be able to pry her off of him . What do you think ? Is he going to give Cole a run for his money or not ? I think Cole will no longer be the most beautiful horse in the barn . Well , if we were going to take second place , I 'm sure glad first place belongs to Ellen and Dante . Cruiser is doing well . He has been sound at a walk , all along , and I haven 't trotted him . I can tell he is improving because there is less heat in his hoof . That is something I learned back in the bowed tendon days . When there is swelling in the leg , the hoof will feel warm . When it first happened , I was hoping the heat was a sign of a hoof abscess , but alas , it was leg swelling . We just do hand walking around the property . He tends to walk pretty fast on the cooler days , so I get a good workout . Now that the weather is getting nicer , I am starting to miss riding him . I certainly hope that he will recover from this injury . What bothers me the most is that it happened so easily . If I can start to ride him , you can be sure that I will go very carefully with him . My sister decided that she wanted to buy another horse last fall because Ranger is getting older , and she can 't ride as fast or as far as she would like . Don 't worry , she is going to keep Ranger - and ride him as much as she can . She just wanted to ride more than he was able . I wanted her to , too . I would love to go on long rides with her and Cole . We both miss that so much from the days when Cruiser and Ranger were a force to be reckoned with . Ellen has always loved Morgans - the old fashioned kind - not the showy saddle seat style . I have too . I might have 2 Morabs , but my first horse was a Morgan , and there is a reason I have Morabs and not Quarabs or some other Arabian cross . She discovered the Quietude Stud , a Morgan breeder in West Virginia , on the Internet . Here is their website : http : / / www . lambertmorgans . com / Take a look at these lovely horses . That was in the fall , and for all kinds of good reasons , she decided to wait until spring . It was a long wait , but it gave us something to look forward to and to dream about . After a terribly bad year with the illness and death of my father , we needed something to look forward to - in a big way . I had another thing to look forward to . Someone would have to take care of her Cat , Stormy , while she was away - and you know how I love cats ! We figured the best thing to do was to have him stay with me at my house . Her cat is a real sweetheart , and I love to go over her house to visit him . We took the Thursday before off , and of course , we had to go riding before we did anything else . As it would turn out , it was a very lovely day , and the road construction was at a lull . We were able to go on a great trail ride together . It was our longest ride of the year , and Cole and Ranger behaved lovely . The next stop was Taco Bell to fill my stomach . I think Ellen was too nervous to enjoy the food as much as I did . We then went over to her house . I hung out with her cat while she packed up his belongings . Stormy doesn 't travel well , so I tried to console him the whole time . I have a spare room that he could live in , and as soon as Ellen set him free , he went under the bed . I let her stay alone with him , and I hung out with Thunder the Wonder Cat , who was very confused by everything going on . Finally , Ellen said that he was doing better and ate a whole can of food while he was under the bed . She then left me with him , and she headed home . Her boyfriend was going with her on the trip , and they were planning to camp . He was all excited about the camping . Ellen isn 't into camping like he is , but she was excited about the horses . I talked to her many times that evening as they drove south . I got to tell her that Stormy finally came out about 9 : 00 , and he was friendly and relaxed . She was relieved . Stormy was her biggest worry about the trip . They were planning to visit Quietude on Saturday . I got an email from her on Friday morning - and that was it ! They were off the grid . I left many messages on her phone - and filled up her voicemail to the brim . I jumped whenever the phone rang , hoping it would be her all day on Saturday . You see , it wasn 't just of case of her buying a horse , but she didn 't even know which one . There was Dante , a 6 - year - old horse that already has trail experience , or Trey , a younger and untrained horse . In the meantime , I consoled myself with hanging out with her cat . I would go back and forth between Thunder and Stormy . ( It is totally coincidence that we both have weather related cat names - it actually took us a while to realize it . we both got them on stormy days . ) Come Sunday , I was worn out from waiting . Our niece rode Ranger on Saturday and I rode him on Sunday . It was the first time he had been out on trail by himself in a long time . He cried and cried - but he was fun to ride . I 'm not used to such a big horse ! Compared to little Cole , he is a monster . Mounting isn 't a problem - it 's funny when I dismount and it seems like it takes so long to reach the ground . Finally , Sunday afternoon I got the call . She bought Dante ! He sounds like a real gem . She just needs to arrange for him to be transported to Ohio . They were on their way home on Monday , and she sent me a picture . Dante was a brown dot in a field . I had to wait until the next day for better pictures . You can see pictures on him on their website . He is a lovely horse . It was with much sadness that she took Stormy away from me . I think in a few days he would have been brave enough to come out into the rest of the house . If it wasn 't for the dog , he would have already been out . Thunder was very curious about him - watching from behind the screen blocking the hallway , but neither one was aggressive . She said I couldn 't keep him . Sigh … My adventure as a cat babysitter is over - - Ellen 's adventure is just beginning . My sister buys a new horse - - and this is the picture she sends me of him ! ! ! He is the one in the middle . I hope to have some better pictures , soon . If there is one way I can describe Cole Train is that he is an overachiever . Particularly in the arena , he tries so hard that he often overdoes it . When I taught him to leg yield , it quickly morphed into a side pass . Now we struggle to get a leg yield . His slow downs often turn into halts , and halting is stopping on a dime . His walk - trot transitions tend to launch the rider right out of the saddle . Of course , his arena trot has so much suspension , it takes in incredible amount of athleticism on the part of the rider to stay with him . Teaching him to take a canter in the arena was a huge challenge . He thought it meant trotting faster , bigger and higher . Finally , he figured out it meant bucking as high as he could . When he realized that all I wanted was a canter , it was beautiful . His left lead is the most perfectly balanced left lead - ever . His right lead is the most perfectly balanced left lead - ever . Sigh … I struggled and struggled with it this winter . He bent better to the right than the left , so that wasn 't the problem . Then I decided he must be bending too much to the right , but supporting him with the outside rein didn 't help . Another thing that didn 't help - is that he was so balanced , I often couldn 't tell he was on the wrong lead . Looking at his shoulders didn 't help . He way overdid growing a long , thick mane , too . Even on the lounge line , he struggled with the right lead . He would give it to me - never going on the wrong lead , but very reluctantly . He preferred trotting faster or bucking . I was so discouraged . Here I have one of the most amazing little horses in the country , that with a talented rider / trainer , could compete with the big horses in the dressage arena . I 'm not exaggerating . You just have to see his movement . Yet , he is stuck with me and we are stuck in kindergarten working on the right lead transition . Finally , I gave up . I would try to work on it on the trail . He 's not going to be a dressage horse , anyway . He is a trail horse . Last year , we started cantering on the trail on a regular basis . In the beginning , I got both leads , but as the summer progressed , he only gave me the left one . Of course , he is an overachiever , so it was a very , very fast left lead . Only once we started working in the arena did he slow down his canter on the trail . I don 't think he realized he could go slow until we did it in the arena . The other night , I was riding on my own and decided to work on the right lead . Some things are better off when you are alone . Ellen doesn 't like when Ranger goes too fast - she worries about maintaining his soundness . Kevin just doesn 't like playing catch up with us . Starry does , though . If I follow the other horses , I never seem to have enough room to work . As soon as Cole gets close to them , he gets worried they might attack him . I know , it is silly , but that 's just how he is . Well , I was out on the trail , and I came to a good spot to canter . The trail gave a slight bend to the right . I asked for the right lead - got the left . I could see where this was going to go . The next right hand corner was much sharper . This time , I thought I would try from a walk instead of a trot . I asked for a bend , tapped my outside leg and off we went - on the left lead , again . He likes to travel near the edge of the trail where it is softer , but there was a culvert coming up , and it didn 't seem like we had enough clearance . I pushed him away with my left leg and when he didn 't respond , hauled his head over , too . We moved away from the culvert and continued a short way down the trail . Suddenly , it then felt like he was a car that hit a bump - that was a feeling I recognized . This is something Cruiser used to do all the time . I looked down in time to see him change from the right lead to the left . Wait a minute ? How did he get on the right lead ? It must have been when I was struggling to miss the culvert ? After all , I put him on a strong bend . We stayed on the left lead . He started going faster and faster . It was time to rein him in - we were running out of trail - the river was coming up . He reluctantly slowed down to a trot . On that ride last fall , as we neared the corner at a walk , I placed his body in a firm bend , tapped my outside leg on his side , and we were off on the correct lead like a rocket - doing his happy stallion grunt that he does when he gallops wildly outside . So , I wondered … if this was something that made him so excited last year that he did his stallion grunt , would he remember it ? Already this spring , he has volunteered to canter at this corner a couple times and once he gave me a buck of joy . As we neared the corner at a walk , I placed his body in a firm bend , tapped my outside leg on his side , and we were off on the correct lead like a rocket - doing his happy stallion grunt - never underestimate the power of a good gallop on a horse 's memory . He kept going faster and faster - but once again - we were running out of trail . We were going straight for a section of trail that has a lot of gravel that I prefer to walk him over . I convinced him to trot and finally walk before the gravel . Well , I guess we have hope . I may be able to solve the right lead out on the trail this summer . I will probably only work on it when I am alone , unless my riding partners are up for a fast run , but I bet the little guy will remember it - at least on that corner . I have been feeding the squirrel and any birds who might stop by on the front patio - just outside the of the cat tower . Thunder has become obsessed with hunting . He waits patiently for his friends to show up , and then he crouches down and intensely chatters at them . He gets so excited , and he is so cute to watch . But we now have a new problem . Maggie , aka Dumb Dog , has learned that when Thunder starts to chatter that there is something to see . She runs to the window and starts barking and carrying on . This gets Thunder very upset . At first , he would run away , but lately , he scampers down the tower to the shelf that is the same height as Maggie 's head and gives her the one - two - three with the paws . I think he has all claws out . This morning , he was walking toward his tower and he saw Maggie in her spot , looking out of his window . He let out the " Maggie go away " meow , and she flew backwards out of her spot . He wasn 't even close to her . In the morning , I have had to leave the house earlier than normal because Thunder gets so upset with her . I 'm afraid he is going to scratch her eye when he attacks her . I lock her up in her room with her Kong wobbler so Thunder can do his hunting in peace . Thunder no longer minds when I go to work . He is busy hunting . My boyfriend and I had a great ride last night . We did a lot of trotting and a little cantering . Both horses were near perfect , and it was just so awesome to be out . The only downside was that I left my gloves at home , and my hands got very cold . It 's going to get warmer , so we will start riding further . When we got back , I turned Cole loose to roll and run . It is amazing how much energy that little horse has after his ride . He just runs laps - very fast - neighing . When he was ready to quit , he came up to me and bowed . That 's my Cole . Cruiser is doing fine . He lets me wrap his leg in ice , then I go out for my ride with Cole . I am allowed to hand walk him . He goes fast and doesn 't limp . I get good exercise when I walk Cruiser . I know when the weather gets warm , he will slow down - and I think I will like that . Posted by My sister and I were off on Friday , but I still ended up riding by myself . The street where we keep our horses is under construction , and her horse just cannot deal with construction equipment . He melts down . Cole is all right , so I took him on a solo ride . It was the first time I asked him to canter this spring , and it went well . we went further than we have been going . When we got to the trail that he hasn 't been on since last fall , he got very excited and we had stick to a walk . We walked all the way home , too . We did meet my sister on foot and walked with her , too . It was a really pretty day to be out . When we got back , we went out to lunch and then waited for the vet to come out for spring shots and to examine Cruiser 's lameness . The bad news about his suspensory ligament was tempered by an excellent report on his breathing . The horse that was laboring on each breath a few months ago , didn 't even have a single wheeze . The vet said she used to hear a little wheezing before he even got his bad cough . The hay cubes are working ! Saturday , there was no construction , so my sister and I got to ride Cole and Ranger together . We had a wonderful time and the horses behaved well . We did some trotting without any difficulties . I am starting to think that all the problems we used to have in the spring were caused by Cruiser . Sunday , the horses were lethargic . It is probably because it was very warm and they still have a lot of winter coat . It was cool on Monday - actually cold . I rode in the evening after work with my boyfriend on Starry . Cole was perky , but behaved absolutely perfect . We did a lot of trotting - and even a little on the way home . Starry was difficult a few times - trying to canter . Next time , we probably will . The vet said he injured his suspensory ligament . Its bute and ice for a few weeks and lots of hand walking . He could be out for 2 month or maybe 6 months . I was just about to start riding him again , but I guess that is out of the question for a long time . Sigh . At least he isn 't coughing , is gaining weight and seems completely comfortable unless he is trotting . Things could be much worse , and we have been enjoying our little walks together . They are good for me - with all the bread I have been eating … A Happy Starry Kevin has owned Starry D for a few years , now . He is a really good horse for Kevin . He 's friendly , gentle and usually list . . . I figured out what our dog is . She is a Sprollie - - a Border Collie / Spaniel mix . Whether she was intentional or an accident , we will never k . . . I only had enough daylight to ride Cruise on trail . We went with my boyfriend and Starry . It was a very nice ride . When I got back , I d . . . |
( * disclaimer : This story appeared originally on Crystal 's Story Site . I don 't claim to write or hold ownership of the story . This is intended to share this story to new readers * ) This is my cross dressing story . It is basically true . It happened over 40 years ago . I am a little fuzzy on the timeline . So I wrote it as I remembered it . I probably went into to much detail but as I was writing more and more detail kept coming back to me . I don 't know exactly when I started wearing female underwear . I do remember when I was twelve or so and I had just learned the wonders of masturbation . I found a pair of my older sisters nylon panties in the clothes hamper and was intrigued by their feel and tried them on . They felt wonderful against my bare skin . I got an erection and masturbated . I was hooked from then on . I also loved the female and perfume smell of the cotton crotch panel . I would put the panties over my head and smell the crotch before I jacked off . It wasn 't long before I graduated to more than just panties I tried on my mother 's dresses with silk slip and nylon stockings . Her dresses fit me but her panties were to big so I stuck with my sister 's panties . I found myself unable to stop this obsession . I would put on my mothers green satin party dress with slip , garter belt and stockings and lacy panties . I would put my cock between my legs . Then I would stand in front a full - length mirror and slowly raise the dress revealing my stocking clad legs then my bare thighs with the garter belt and finally my panties . I fantasized that I was looking up another woman 's dress . This would turn me on and I would masturbate and cum in my sisters panties . I kept up this behavior throughout my teen years . When I was thirteen my grandmother died and I helped my mother dispose of my grandmother 's clothes . I managed to save several under garments from the trash . I now had my own girdle several pairs of nylons , slips and several pairs of nylon panties . Unfortunately my grandmother mainly wore white boxer panties . I preferred briefs . But I did salvage one pair of pink lace briefs . They were so pretty ; I couldn 't imagine my grandmother wearing them . Soft pink with lace all over the front and shear pink nylon in the back . They had a dark pink rosette and bow in the middle at the waist . I felt so sexy when I put them on . I would stand in front of the mirror and model them . I loved how I could see the crack of my ass through the sheer back . I have reddish blond pubic hair so I could barely see my pubes through the front lace . I would use an eyebrow pencil to darken my pubic hair and with my cock tucked between my legs it would look like a woman 's pubic area through the lace . This would really turn me on and I would quickly cum . The girdle was an open legged one with garters so it fit right in with my fantasy of looking up a woman 's dress . When I was fourteen I moved in with my Aunt and finally had my own room . I never seemed to want a bra although I had tried one of my sisters on several occasions . My Aunts clothes fit me so I had a whole new treasure trove of feminine attire . We lived in the suburbs and only had one house next to ours with a field on the other side . My room was in the basement and I could go out through the garage into the field next to our place virtually undetected . The laundry was also in the basement so my Aunts underwear was always handy . At night , after I went to bed , I dressed up in my favorite sexy feminine attire and would sneak out into the field and romp about in my sexy underwear . That is in the summertime . Winter my dress up was an indoor activity . When I was fifteen our neighbors wife passed away . Within a year our neighbor remarried . She was a beautiful full figured woman and I liked her immediately . One night I was looking out our basement window toward her house and I noticed her bedroom window shades were open . I stared for a few moments at the window and to my amazement she passed by naked . My cock came instantly to attention . In a few moments she reappeared in a lacy white robe that was open in the front so I got to see her large tits with dark areola . From my angle I could not see her crotch , but the view was great . Next , her husband came up from behind her and reached around and grabbed her beautiful tits . She stood there in the window while her fondled her tits . Then she turned around and her head went down nearly out of sight . I could see him standing there bare chested as her head bobbed up and down . Although I couldn 't see her taking his cock in her mouth it was obvious she was giving him a blowjob . The only window on that side of our house was my small basement window so I am sure our neighbors felt secure leaving their bedroom window curtains open . From then on , I would dress up in my feminine attire nearly every night and watch the window . I was not treated to a sex show every night but on occasion I got to see her beautiful tits and negligee . I got some really great close - ups of those beautiful titties using a pair of binoculars . I tried a couple of times to get a better view by going outside and looking in their window from the ground but we had a backyard light that made it very risky to get to that side of our house especially dressed in panties and a slip . Later that summer I started doing odd jobs for her almost everyday . She liked me and enjoyed my help . I found out she did laundry on Monday 's like most people , so I took advantage of that . In the middle of the week I would go through the dirty laundry and find her panties . She wore sexy panties all colors with lace and even some bikini 's and they fit me perfectly . I would get a pair and go to the bathroom and put them on and wear them home . That night I would masturbate wearing her panties while watching the window for her to walk by . I could smell and taste her pussy and perfume in the crotch of her panties . She must have washed her lacy nightgowns by hand because they never seemed to show up in the clothes hamper . I would wear the panties back the next day and put them back in the hamper . Late in the summer she got a job . She worked for the Red Cross four hours in the afternoon . She hired me to take care of her German Shepherd while she was at work . What an opportunity , I had free reign of her house in the afternoons and I could almost stay as long as I wanted without arousing suspicion from my aunt . The first day I went straight to her bedroom and looked for her underwear drawer . She had one drawer in the chest of drawers that was all underwear , panties , bras , garterbelt and girdles . In another drawer were her nightgowns and slips . I found stockings in another . Her dresses and skirts were hung neatly in the closet . There was a problem , all her panties and bras were folded in rows . Everything was carefully placed in the drawer . To get the items out and back in the drawer exactly as I found them would take a great deal of care . Also , I knew she was very meticulous and I dare not even leave so much as a pubic hair on her precious things . This was going to take some time and thought for me to realize my goal of putting on an entire outfit of hers . That day I used her soiled panties out of the clothes hamper to masturbate with . I decided to dress up in an entire ensemble of black . She had a black dress and slip . Black panties , girdle , bra and stockings . I did not have any black female clothing of my own so black was exciting to me . I got a hard - on just thinking about it . The next day I was ready to fulfill my fantasy . I started by carefully selecting the things I was going to wear . I removed them from the drawers very carefully noting their exact location and how they were folded . I got a pair of lacy black panties . I removed her black open - legged girdle . I got a pair of black stockings and a black half - slip . I selected a black bra and noted that it was an underwire bra size 38C . I went to her closet and took a black dress off the hanger . I carefully wrapped some toilet paper around my cock and tucked it between my legs . I put on the panties and pulled on the girdle . Next I put on the stockings connecting them to the garters . I put on the half - slip . I had to find something to stuff the bra with also it was just slightly too large . I decided to use some of her panties from the dirty clothes hamper to stuff the bra . That idea worked out fine . The dress was a little tight around the waist but since we were about the same height and build . It fit in the shoulders and was the right length . With a little urging I was able to get it zipped up and went in the hallway to look at my handy work . I was standing in front of the hall mirror admiring myself fully dressed in black . My cock was hardening between my legs . I thought I looked good as a woman . All of a sudden , I heard a voice . God she was home and standing in the kitchen door . I spun around as she was yelling what are you doing young man get out of my clothes . I quickly ran down the hall and went into her bedroom and started to unzip the dress and pull it over my head . I was having a devil of a time trying to get the dress off . I was crying and sobbing how sorry I was while struggling with the dress . She came in the room and told me to stop or I would tear the dress . She came over to me and told me to stand still and she unzipped the dress and helped me get it off . I was still sobbing how sorry I was as she undid the bra and reached around me and took it off . I slumped down on the bed facing her . I just sat there in her half slip andWe both stood there for a moment and to my surprise she started to undress . She was wearing a skirt and sweater . She unzipped the skirt and stepped out of it as she pulled the sweater over her head . She had on a lacy full slip . She also pulled it over her head . Then she removed her bra and exposed those beautiful tits . She was just wearing a garter belt , pink panties and stockings . She picked up her skirt and along with the sweater and slip she folded them and laid them in a chair . She looked at me and asked if I liked her breasts . I didn 't answer I just stood there with my mouth open . Come here and help me finish undressing . I stumbled over to her and as I started to undo her garters my cock rubbed against her thigh . She was standing with her legs spread and I knelt down as I removed her stockings my face was right by her pussy . I reached around her waist and undid her garter belt . Again my face was inches from her crotch . I could smell her perfume . My cock was huge it had never been this big . It was at least six inches . I reached for the waistband on her panties and started to pull them down . Her dark bush came into view as I pulled her panties down to the floor . With her panties around her ankles she rubbed her pussy and asked if I had ever seen a woman naked . I lied and said no and she took my hand and led me to the bed . She lay back on the bedspread and told me to feel her vagina . She spread her legs and I saw my first pussy through a mat of coal black hair . I took my hand and started to feel her cunt . She was very wet that surprised me . I let my fingers open her hole and they slid right in . I put my thumb on what I thought was her clit . She started to squirm as I fingered her wet hole . She was rubbing her large nipples then she asked me to suck on her tits . I climbed up her and kept my hand on her cunt while I put my mouth on her right tit and started to lick and suck on her nipple . She reached down and grabbed my cock and started to rub on it . Almost instantly I shot my cum all over her legs and bedspread . After a few moments she said that we would have to keep this as our secret . She wouldn 't tell my aunt about my dressing habits and I would not tell about our lovemaking . She got up on an elbow and looked at me for a second then said I really did look good as a girl and that she would enjoy helping me play that role . She would dress me and make me up and since she did not have children I would be like her daughter . I thought this was strange but as she said it she started to gently rub my cock into a full hard - on and I immediately agreed . She said it was time I lost my virginity . She spread her legs and motioned me on top of her . As I mounted her she led my cock into her pussy . God what a feeling as my cock slipped fully into her hole . I thought her mouth on my cock was amazing but her warm moist pussy felt even better . I started to move in and out as she guided me by grabbing my ass with both hands . I don 't know how long I lasted but I know when I came that time it felt wonderful . I could feel my cum injecting into her body . I think she came with me because we both stopped moving and just lay there . She grabbed my face and we kissed deeply . I slowly got up relishing the great feeling as my cock pulled out of her . She got up and handed me the pair of black lace panties that I had worn earlier and said go ahead and wear these home today you 've already got them soiled . I will see you tomorrow and start your feminine training . She put on a robe as I found my pants and shirt and dressed . As I was leaving she pulled me to her and kissed me again . I went home in a daze . That night I jacked - off at least four times . I fell asleep anticipating the next day . I went over to her house the next day at my usual time and found a note on the kitchen table . She told me to be wearing the clothes she laid out in the bedroom when she got home that afternoon . I went quickly to the bedroom and found an outfit on the bed . It looked like the same outfit that she had on yesterday . A pleated skirt with sweater , lacy slip , bra , garter belt , stockings , and pink panties . I couldn 't wait to try them on . I put on the garter belt then the stockings and panties . When I started to put on the bra I noticed it was a different size than her 38C . It was a 36B . It fit a lot better and it only took a small hand full of tissue to fill up the lacy cups . I 'll bet she went out last evening and bought this bra for her new daughter . I put on the slip . It was satin and I never felt anything so sensuous on my bare skin . I went out to the full - length mirror in the hall and admired myself in her pretty slip . I rubbed it up and down my body . I finished putting on the sweater and skirt again ; I admired myself in the mirror . It was time to let the dog out for a run . I decided to take a chance and go outside with the dog dressed as a girl . Their back yard is fenced and the only person that would be looking in the yard would be my aunt and I knew she was taking her nap at this time . She never missed a nap . So I took the chance and the dog and I went out in the backyard . It was a windy day and the first thing I noticed was how good it felt as the cool breeze rushed up my skirt onto my bare thighs . I romped around in my feminine attire like the dog . I twirled the full skirt and took my panties off so I could feel the air on my cock and balls . I went back in the house and jacked off in front of the mirror . When she got home she looked me over and said I looked nice but I needed to learn to put on make - up if I wanted to be a real girl . She started to refer to me as her little girl . She called me Susie when I was in feminine attire and Billy ( my real name ) when I was a boy . That made me somewhat uncomfortable but I knew I would get to play with her magnificent body if I played along . The next couple of weeks she taught me to put on make - up and I got to dress - up in all kinds of feminine attire . She gave me a drawer in the spare room dresser to keep my girly stuff . I loved the baby - doll pajamas and the lacy nightgowns . I started to take them home and wear them to bed at night . She made me some breast forms out of a satin material filled with something I 'm not sure what but they worked very well . She also bought me a wig . It was a short blond wig not quite to my shoulders cut in a page boy style . We both wore size 8 1 / 2 shoes but hers really didn 't fit so she bought me a pair of flats that I could wear . As for the make - up I wasn 't a very good student but I finally got the hang of it . I was amazed how just a little eye and lip make - up really transformed me into a pretty good - looking girl . She said when I was made up I looked older at least eighteen . She said I had a great female body from the waist down . She said my butt was perfect . Most women would give their right arm for a butt as pretty as mine . It was round and firm . Not flat like hers . I didn 't understand what she meant but I took the compliment and enjoyed it . She also said my legs were almost as perfect . That I did understand . When I looked at my shapely legs in the mirror with stockings on , I knew they looked good . She also taught me about the fashion accessories purses , scarves , jewelry , perfume and all that kind of stuff . It was so much easier to be a boy . She taught me to walk and sit like a girl . I caught on to that easily . I think I was born a little more feminine than masculine . She said I had a natural " swish " when I walked and all I needed to do was to accentuate it a little . The biggest problem with my transformation was my hands . I worked outdoors a lot so my hands were rough and my nails were terrible . She told me to use hand cream all the time . I had to always wear gloves when I worked . She also had me use the cream with gloves at night . This regimen seemed to work so after a couple of weeks my hands and nails were better . I also got trained on the female anatomy . One afternoon she got on the bed with a mirror and spread her pussy open and showed me all the parts . The inner and outer labia , her clit and where she peed from . I had to name each part as I kissed it . She said all girls need to know everything about their vagina . Right then I wished I had a vagina and tits but I wanted to keep my cock too . She taught me how to pee like a girl . To sit on the toilet and wipe myself . She said all girls needed to keep their vaginas clean . So while dressed as a girl I had to set down to pee and wipe my cock . When we were making love she showed me several positions . She taught me to eat her out so she got the most pleasure from it . She liked me to use my tongue on her asshole while I ate her out . When she got ready to cum I would stick two fingers in her ass and she would cum a ton . She used that same technique on me when she sucked me and I can 't believe how good it felt . It felt like I was dealing with four different people . When she was teaching me about female dressing she talked to me as her teenage daughter . When we were making love I was her masculine lover and she had a wild look in her eye . When we were around other people I was just the kid next door and when she taught me the female anatomy it was like I was a little girl . I could see her personality transformations happen right in front of me but I don 't think she was even aware she changed . The last week of summer vacation was here and Janet 's job was over . Oh ! Have I mentioned her name ? Well she is Janet and her husband is Jim . At the end of summer vacation my aunt and uncle had an opportunity for a two - week vacation to New York City to visit some friends . Since , I had to start school in a week it was decided that I would stay at home under the watchful eye of Janet and Jim . I would sleep at home and eat at their house ( hooray ) . I think Janet was as excited about this arrangement as I was . I also got a job mowing about five hours each morning . So by a little after noon I was free . Janet decided that it was time I went out as her girl . This scared me half to death but it also excited me . She said we would go to a shopping center in her old hometown about fifty miles away . If I could finish early on Thursday we could get there in time for a late lunch and we could shop for clothing . I got my mowing done by ten thirty and went to her house to shower and prepare for my going out party . When I got in the shower she came in the bathroom and said I needed to shave real close . I could use her razor and we needed to do something about my leg hair . I protested . I said I could not shave my legs I was still wearing shorts and I wouldn 't be able to go to school with shaved legs . She said she understood since my hair was blond maybe she could use her hair clippers and just remove the long hair . She assured me nobody would notice . I finished showering and shaved my face under her watchful eye then I sat on the toilet while she used her clippers to remove the hair from my legs . I must admit she did a good job . I still had leg hair but from a distance it would not be noticeable through my stockings . She had chosen a favorite outfit of mine for me to wear . A burgundy pleated skirt with a pale pink sweater . I was wearing all pink underneath . I got admonished again about putting my make - up on too heavy . She said I must have some French whore in my background because I always applied too much . She gave me a shoulder length purse to carry . Since I had not carried a purse before she thought there would be less chance of me losing a shoulder bag . Instead of getting in the car in the garage she had left it outside in the driveway . So I had to walk outside and get in the car . This was my first real exposure to the outside world dressed as a young girl . I found it exhilarating . The drive to her hometown was uneventful she talked about the stores where we would be shopping and where we would have lunch . She could tell that I was getting anxious the closer we got to our destination . She assured me I would not be found out and that I looked lovely . She was sure my feminine actions would not give me away . Relax and enjoy . Just remember we could share our experiences in her bed when I was acting more like a man . I liked that comment and it did make me feel more at ease . We arrived at something like today 's strip mall . There was a major department store with several side shops and an Italian restaurant with outdoor seating . She said we would eat at that restaurant . We parked in the middle . With some trepidation I got out of the car and followed Janet to the restaurant . It was a nice day so we were seated outside . After we ordered she got up and said come on honey lets got to the restroom . Uh oh , I don 't know why but I hadn 't anticipated that even though I did need to go . I would have to use the woman 's restroom . I followed her into the restaurant and to the door marked woman . When we went in there was nobody inside . She told me to use a stall and don 't worry no one was going to barge in and see me peeing with a penis . Just pull your girdle and panties down and sit on the toilet . Use some toilet paper to wipe yourself . I told her I remembered how she taught me . When I grabbed my cock it immediately started to get hard . I had to focus my attention on something else to be able to pee . When I came out of the stall two elderly women came in and they just smiled and went about their business . Janet was at the mirror fixing her hair so I followed suit . We had a good lunch and I was getting used to my feminine role . She said we would shop for dresses . Her and I and that it would be fun trying them on . Oh god another thing I hadn 't anticipated . Trying on meant I would have to undress in some fashion . I wasn 't sure what it would be like . We went to the department store and to woman 's fashions . She started to look at dresses and told me to do the same . She was a size twelve and her dresses were a little tight on me so she told me to go to the size fourteen rack and look for something nice . I watched as she selected a couple of dresses and went toward the dressing room to try them on . All of a sudden a sales lady came up to me and said the dress I had in my hand would look great on me would I like to try it on . I hadn 't talked to anyone except Janet dressed as a girl so I hadn 't tried to change my voice . This is one area Janet hadn 't brought up in my training . Janet wasn 't here so I started to panic then I decided to give it a try and I answered the sales lady just raising my voice a little . No thank you . The sales lady was persistent and she selected another dress and held it up to me and said this one would also look great . I decided to go it alone . I took the other dress and with my selection went toward the fitting rooms . The sales lady was following me and said something that sounded like " here I 'll help you " . I said no thanks in my high voice . I just couldn 't imagine her coming into the changing room with me . What did she mean by helping me ? Did she come in the room with me and watch me undress ? God ! Where was Janet ? I was lost and scared . Just as I got to the opening to the changing rooms I saw Janet coming out in a beautiful dress . I stopped to admire her . She saw my worried look and sensed my nervousness . She said honey what do you think and modeled the dress for me . This seemed to sidetrack the sales lady that was following me to my relief . I told her she looked beautiful and she took my hand and led me back toward the dress racks . I think I 'll get this onRelieved I again headed toward the dressing rooms . I went in and saw a row of curtained cubicles . Janet went into one and I went past her to the first open curtain . I went in and closed the curtain tight . The dress was a short sleeve blue print with a full skirt . I tried it on and it fit perfect . I heard Janet outside my dressing room and she asked me to come out so she could see . I opened the curtain and stepped out cautiously . She said turn around and yes that will do nicely but let 's try on the purple one . She had it in her hand and handed it to me . I went back in the room and removed the first dress as I was standing there in my half slip and bra . I felt my cock get hard . Janet was right . I would remember these experiences later and jack - off furiously . I put on the purple one and confidently went out of the changing area to model the dress for Janet . She was standing there and motioned for me to look in the mirror . I spun around and looked in the mirror . I was sold I looked beautiful in this dress . I said I wanted this one and she said go change and we will get it . When I came out of the changing area and handed the purple dress to Janet she said this dress needs a petticoat . I wasn 't sure what that meant until we went to the foundation department and she selected a white petticoat . Then I knew what she meant . Wow I couldn 't wait to get home and try on my new dress with the petticoat . She went to the sales counter and paid for it all . We walked out of the store and I know I had a little more swish in my walk . Janet suggested we get a cup of coffee before we headed home . We went back to the place we ate lunch and sat a table and ordered coffee . After a while Janet left the table to go to the restroom . While she was gone two good - looking boys came by . They looked to be about eighteen and were looking at me . I felt very self - conscious . They slowed down and kept staring . I finally smiled at them not knowing what else to do . The next thing I know they were coming over to my table . What do I do now ? They came up to the table and asked me something . I wasn 't sure what they said . I was getting panicky again . One guy sat down next to me and asked my name . I mumbled something and suddenly I felt his hand on my knee . Oh my god he was going to feel me up . Just as suddenly Janet returned and the boys got up and she asked them something . Again I wasn 't hearing to well . As the boys hurried away Janet said let 's go so I hurriedly got to my feet and almost ran to the car . When we got in the car I started to say something but before I could she started on me . Why you little slut . What were you doing flirting with those boys ? I told you to be careful with boys . You especially should know they are all on the make . I saw the one that sat down next to you had his hand up your skirt . Did you let him get a good feel ? I was shocked . I stammered I didn 't ' mean to flirt . I just smiled and they came over . I 'm sorry . She saw I was almost in tears . She said there now it 's all right . I know you didn 't mean it but when you are a young girl you have to be real careful . You know those boys just wanted to get your panties off . I said I know I was relieved and she started the car and we left the shopping center . On the way home she asked me how many times I had a hard - on today . I said many times . Once in the ladies room and again in the changing room . I also got a little excited when that guy put his hand on my knee . Oh and when I looked in the mirror with my new dress on . How about now she asked ? I said yes so she asked me to masturbate for her on the way home . We were on a country single lane road . I pulled up my skirt and slip and pulled off my girdle and panties . My cock was rock hard . I started to jack off . She told me she was getting real wet watching me rub myself . In a few minutes I was ready to cum and reached for a tissue . She told me to cum in my hand not in the tissue and let her taste my cum . So I shot my load in my left hand and held it by her mouth and she licked it while she drove . Then she told me to taste it myself . So I put my hand by my mouth and sucked up the rest of my cum . She said it tasted better coming straight out of a penis . I cleaned myself off and put my panties back on and we drove on home . As soon as we got home she started undressing almost before we got in the door . She said she needed me right away and we made love in the living room on the carpet . After we finished I changed back into a boy and she started dinner . Jim would be home from work soon so I didn 't have time to try on my new dress . That night I almost wore my cock out jacking off . I had a mowing job that Friday . When I got home and went to see Janet she sat me down for a serious talk . Jim knows everything . I told him about your female dressing and our lovemaking . I was shocked . She said he understands and doesn 't mind . He is happy that I have someone to treat like the daughter I have always wanted . He wants to meet Susie . He wants to see you dressed as my girl . I told him that after dinner tonight you would dress up and we would give him a special evening . I was still shocked . Even though she said he understood I said what about our lovemaking . Oh don 't worry I made love to other men before I married Jim and he understands my desires . You 'll see he is not mad at you . Well ok if you say so but I was still nervous . She said I could wear my new dress and petticoat it would be a very special evening . At dinner Jim didn 't let on he knew anything . After dinner Janet and I went to her room and started preparing for the evening . I had already taken a shower earlier . She had my outfit laid out on the bed . It was my new dress and petticoat along with a new pink lacy matching bra and garter belt . She had a new pair of pink panties . They were not briefs but tap panties with lace scallops at the leg openings They were very pretty but I said what about my penis sticking out . She said not to worry my petticoat would hide any bulges . I got undressed and put on the bra and panties . She gave me a pair of white stockings and I put on the garter belt and stockings and we both admired how pretty I looked . I had a huge hard on as I sat down at her vanity . She painted my nails with a purple polish that matched my dress . Then she helped me apply my makeup . She said when we finished I was to wait in the spare room until she called me and then go into the family room where she and Jim would be waiting . I put on the petticoat and my dress . It felt great with all that lace around my legs . I put on my wig and she put a ribbon in my hair . She gave me a silver necklace and earrings to wear . When we finished she declared I was the prettiest girl she had ever seen . I must admit the dress with the petticoat and all the trimmings did make me look good . Janet was right my cock didn 't show . I still tried to keep it tucked between my legs . I went into the spare room to wait her call . I was very nervous but the glass of wine I had with dinner helped me relax a little . They usually had wine with dinner and they let me have a glass . It was normally watered down for me but tonight it wasn 't . So I had a little glow on . Finally , Janet called and I went into the family room . She and Jim we setting on the couch . He had on his robe and she wore a white peignoir . When I entered the room Jim 's eyes lit up and he said my god she is stunning . Now they both were referring to me as a girl . Oh well I felt like one then . Janet told me to spin around to show off the dress . She said you should have seen her yesterday . I just left her for a minute and she had two boys flirting with her . One even had his hand up her skirt . I protested that he only had his hand on my knee . Jim said that I had better watch out . Some boys might not like what they find up my skirt . Janet laughed and told me to take off my dress she wanted Jim to see my pretty underwear . I just stood there with my mouth open . She wanted me to undress in front of Jim . Come on sweetie she said as she got up to help me . We girls are going to please our man this evening . I was in a daze but what ever she wanted I was bound to comply . She helped me take off the dress and the petticoat . Jim sat there watching as I stood there in my underwear . Doesn 't she look sexy in pink she asked Jim ? He agreed . My cock started to harden and the tap panties didn 't hold it in so it stuck out in front of my panties . Janet went over to Jim and sat down in front of him on the floor and asked me to join her . I went over and sat down beside her facing Jim . She opened his robe and to my surprise he was naked underneath . Ooh look what I found as she reached out and picked up his stiffening cock . I was mesmerized by her actions and watched as she got him hard . He had a skinny cock that was longer than mine but not much . His balls were huge . I couldn 't get over how big they were . She took my hand and put it on his cock . She told him I liked cum and that yesterday I ate my own in the car . She asked me to help her suck him off . I was overwhelmed but I said all right and we both put our mouths on him . I kissed the head as she encouraged me to take it in my mouth . I remember when I did I thought that this wasn 't too bad and started to suck him off . She was rubbing his balls and whispering in my ear how good I was doing . He was moaning and rubbing my head . I don 't know how long I sucked on him but soon he was ready to cum . Janet sensed this and told me to get ready for him to cum in my mouth . Don 't worry she said it will be all right . He convulsed and shot his load in my mouth . Most of it went right down my throat but I couldn 't hold it all and some leaked out the side of my mouth . She helped me clean up the rest of his cum and suck the remaining out of his cock . He said I was an excellent cocksucker . Janet said I knew she would be . Janet got up and removed her pengoir and told me to get naked too . I took off the rest of my underwear and Janet told Jim she was going to suck me off . I lay back on the floor and she started to suck on me Jim got down on the floor with us and watched closely as she expertly sucked me off . She sucked me dry then asked Jim to fuck her . I watched as he mounted her . She put her legs around his neck and he started to pump her pussy . The whole time he was on her she was shouting fuck me , fuck me , fuck my pussy hard . I watched as his cock went in and out of her beautiful cunt . She had always called her cunt a vagina and my cock a penis before tonight . Now she was using all the vulgarities she could . After what seemed a long time he finally came in her . He got up and she asked him to get us some wine . She lay there glistening with sweat and as she spread her legs open asked me to look at her pussy . She wanted me to see what a woman 's pussy looked like after it had been fucked . I positioned myself between her legs and looked at her cunt . It was wide open and his cum was oozing out of the hole . I told her how beautiful it looked and started to clean off his cum with a tissue . She said no use your tongue . I put my head down between her legs and sucked her pussy until I got all the cum mixture out of her I could get . She had another orgasm while I was eating her . Jim came back with the wine and when he saw me sucking Janet 's pussy he said to Janet boy she does like cum doesn 't she . We sat around naked and drank a glass of wine . Janet said she wanted Jim to fuck me in my pretty ass . Before I could protest she said don 't worry sweetie he will be gentle . Your ass will be like your pussy and he will take your virginity . She poured me a little more wine , which I quickly downed . I reluctantly said okay and asked what to do next . She told me to get on my hands and knees on the floor stick my ass up in the air and Jim would get me from behind . I got on the floor . I could see Jim 's cock getting hard . Janet got on the floor in front of me and handed Jim a tube of K - Y Jelly . Jim said she does have a pretty ass as he rubbed it and applied a finger full of jelly to my hole . Janet said okay sweetie he going to enter you now . It will hurt at first but the pain will pass . I felt him pressing his cock against my asshole . As he penetrated me it burned like a hot poker and I winced . Janet saw my discomfort and reassured me that the pain would be over soon . I felt his cock penetrate deeper . It made me feel full . The pain was easing as I felt his balls hit the back of my legs . Janet said he 's in he 's all the way in . He started to fuck me . Janet was really excited she was encouraging Jim to move faster . I noticed my cock was hard and Janet had her hand in her cunt finger fucking herself furiously . I think I saw her whole hand disappear in her cunt . Jim 's pace slowed and Janet reached under me and grabbed my cock and started jacking me off . She said he 's going to cum . you 're going to feel it going in you . She said all girls like to feel a man cumming inside them . About then he shoved his cock in me as far as he could I heard him grunt and I felt his cum spurt inside me . At the same time I shot a load of cum in Janet 's hand . Jim stayed in me until he had finished cumming . When he pulled his cock out I heard a plop as it come out of my hole . Janet was smiling at me and she said their honey now yWhen I sat down on the toilet to pee I felt more cum pour out of my wide - open asshole . When I went back to the family room they both had on their robes . Janet told me to go put on a nightgown and come back and set with them . I put on my favorite baby doll nightie and returned to the family room they were setting on the couch . She was curled up beside him and he had his arm around her . She motioned me over to them and I joined them on the couch . I sat next to him and he put his other arm around me and held me close . I drank another glass of wine and by now I was feeling good although my asshole was very sore . Jim said we were going up to the camp tomorrow . They had a small cabin on a lake nearby . Jim had a boat and I had gone there with them many times . Janet said I could go as Susie . I said all right . She said I could wear her yellow top and shorts . She reached in Jim 's robe and started to fondle Jim 's cock . The next thing I knew we were sucking him off again . She got most of his cum this time . After we finished on Jim she let me fuck her with Jim watching . Of course I had to suck my cum out of her pussy afterward . I was tired so I said I was going to bed . She kissed me and told me I did very well . When I got in bed I could not go to sleep . I was worried that I had become a homosexual . After all I had just sucked Jim 's cock twice and he had fucked me in the ass . Then it dawned on me I was BI - sexual . I loved fucking Janet more than anything and the sex with Jim was all right too . This eased my mind and I went to sleep . The next morning my ass was still sore as I put on Janet 's yellow knit top and shorts . I had on a white bra and a white control brief panty . We drove to the lake . Janet or Jim neither one mentioned our sexcapade from the night before . The panty was uncomfortable but it held my cock between my legs . I had to wear it to keep the front of my shorts flat and feminine looking . When we got to the cabin Jim started some clean up chores he needed to do . Normally , if I was a boy I would help him but as Susie I went in the cabin to help Janet with girl things . We fixed lunch and after lunch Jim and I went down to the dock to see the lake . Jim was doing something to the boat and I was standing on the dock when all of sudden Brad showed up . He was a boy my age from down the lake . Just a month ago he and I had been water skiing and hanging out on the lake . I was in shock . What was he going to say ? Here I was dressed as a girl . To my amazement he looked right at me and then turned and said hi to Jim and asked if Billy was here . Jim smiled as he looked at me and told Brad Billy wasn 't here . Then he introduced me as Janet 's niece Susie . Brad smiled and said hi and I smiled back and greeted him . He started to ask where I lived but Jim seeing my distress interrupted him and said we had to get going . I almost ran off the dock but I still looked back as we left and saw Brad looking at me . He had a look like he was undressing me . When we got back to the cabin Jim told Janet about our encounter with Brad . She teased me and asked if I wanted to invite him over for dinner . Jim told her Brad eyes almost bugged out of his head when Susie smiled at him . Janet said she is a real flirt this one . We should invite him over but not for dinner . Jim said you two girls could have " him " for dinner . Ooh that sounds good another cock would suit us fine right Susie . I just nodded then Janet said speaking of cocks I 'm horny lets go in the bedroom . We all went into the bedroom . It had one large bed . Janet said come on Susie let 's get undressed we 've got some serious cock sucking to do . Jim 's cock was already hard when he got on the bed . He lay back and Janet and I got on either side of him and started to suck him off together . After we sucked his cock a few minutes I asked if I could be fucked like a girl . I saw Janet 's eyes light up . I don 't think Jim fucking me was planned but I knew how much it excited Janet the night before so I thought it would excite her even more if I suggested it myself . It did and she was all for it especially if he got me in the missionary position " like a girl " . I lay back on the bed and Janet put a pillow under my ass to get my hole up where Jim could get his cock in me easier . She got some cream from her dresser and put it in my asshole . She sat beside me at my head . I put my legs in the air and as Jim started to put his cock in me . Janet warned me it was going to hurt again . God it burned when he penetrated me but it soon was all right . I could feel him filling me up with his cock . He has it all the way in now sweetie Janet said . Just relax and feel him fucking you . As Jim pounded away on me I grabbed Janet 's tit and started to suck on it . She took my hand and put it on her pussy and I began to finger fuck her wet cunt . She was exhorting Jim to fuck me and bouncing up and down on my hand . Then she grabbed my already hard cock and started to jack me off . Jim let out a grunt and pushed as deep in me as he could and I felt him shoot his load in me . At the same time I shot my load all over my stomach . Janet ground down on my hand and got her orgasm about then too . Jim pulled out and Janet started to rub my cum into my stomach and chest . She told me I was a very good girl . We spent about another hour fucking and sucking each other . I got to fuck Janet in the ass , which was a new and pleasurable experience for me . We got cleaned up then and got ready to leave . The next day was Sunday our last day together before I had to go back to school . That evening Janet came in the spare bedroom as I was getting ready for bed . She sat down on the bed next to me and thanked me for playing her daughter for the last few weeks . She said tomorrow that I needed to go back to being a boy . I could keep my female things here in their spare bedroom and I could come over any time and play dress up . I could also play with her but I was a boy and I needed to concentrate on that . I said I understood what she meant and I told her I loved her . We hugged and I went to bed . The next day I went back to school . I still visited her when I could . It seemed we were both busy a lot and our love making sessions got further and further apart . I met a girl in school and started dating her . I used some of my expertise that I learned from Janet on my new girl friend . She was impressed with my sexual prowess . That Christmas Janet got me a special gift . She got me three pair of lacy bikini panties . I got to model them for her and while we were making love I told her about my new girl and that I was having sex with her also . She didn 't say but I don 't think she was happy about that . That next summer Janet found out she had lung cancer . She was a heavy smoker . I was devastated . She died that fall . It nearly killed Jim . That was his second wife to die of cancer . After the funeral Jim called me over to his house . He thanked me for being Janet 's special friend . He told me he was selling the house and moving to Florida to live with his brother . He said Janet 's sister was coming tomorrow to go through Janet 's things . He said I could have any of her clothes I wanted and I needed to take my stuff out of the spare room . I thanked him and went into her bedroom and selected a couple of pairs of her panties . I also took the entire black ensemble that she caught me wearing that day . I couldn 't take all of my feminine clothing home . I just didn 't have enough space to hide it all . That ended my episode with Janet and Jim . I am still a crossdresser and I still have that black dress . It doesn 't fit anymore but I still have it . Annabelle B . is a fan of erotica literature , particularly crossdressing and feminization writings . She currently is an art student seeking a Masters in Illustration . While not working at her store she is enjoying work at her mini studio either writing or drawing . You can contact her at : alicegarden01 @ yahoo . comThank you for visiting her blog ! Questions and suggestions are always welcomed ! View my complete profile " Ooooh , that 's good . You see , that wasn 't so difficult was it ? " James asked . Back and forth , he thrust into the boy 's pussy that was firmly clamped around his thick organ . " You know , Taylor . I 've been missing this for weeks . You 're going to get a damned good seeing - to tonight , he chuckled . Peter 's back suddenly arched and an involuntary orgasm dribbled down onto Mrs Shepherd 's delicate lace panties as his bottom clenched rhythmically on his boss 's penis , which in turn was pumping load after load of thick white sperm into his red hot bottom . - Bossed into Panties 2007 ( Karen Petties ) |
( * disclaimer : This story appeared originally on Crystal 's Story Site . I don 't claim to write or hold ownership of the story . This is intended to share this story to new readers * ) This is my cross dressing story . It is basically true . It happened over 40 years ago . I am a little fuzzy on the timeline . So I wrote it as I remembered it . I probably went into to much detail but as I was writing more and more detail kept coming back to me . I don 't know exactly when I started wearing female underwear . I do remember when I was twelve or so and I had just learned the wonders of masturbation . I found a pair of my older sisters nylon panties in the clothes hamper and was intrigued by their feel and tried them on . They felt wonderful against my bare skin . I got an erection and masturbated . I was hooked from then on . I also loved the female and perfume smell of the cotton crotch panel . I would put the panties over my head and smell the crotch before I jacked off . It wasn 't long before I graduated to more than just panties I tried on my mother 's dresses with silk slip and nylon stockings . Her dresses fit me but her panties were to big so I stuck with my sister 's panties . I found myself unable to stop this obsession . I would put on my mothers green satin party dress with slip , garter belt and stockings and lacy panties . I would put my cock between my legs . Then I would stand in front a full - length mirror and slowly raise the dress revealing my stocking clad legs then my bare thighs with the garter belt and finally my panties . I fantasized that I was looking up another woman 's dress . This would turn me on and I would masturbate and cum in my sisters panties . I kept up this behavior throughout my teen years . When I was thirteen my grandmother died and I helped my mother dispose of my grandmother 's clothes . I managed to save several under garments from the trash . I now had my own girdle several pairs of nylons , slips and several pairs of nylon panties . Unfortunately my grandmother mainly wore white boxer panties . I preferred briefs . But I did salvage one pair of pink lace briefs . They were so pretty ; I couldn 't imagine my grandmother wearing them . Soft pink with lace all over the front and shear pink nylon in the back . They had a dark pink rosette and bow in the middle at the waist . I felt so sexy when I put them on . I would stand in front of the mirror and model them . I loved how I could see the crack of my ass through the sheer back . I have reddish blond pubic hair so I could barely see my pubes through the front lace . I would use an eyebrow pencil to darken my pubic hair and with my cock tucked between my legs it would look like a woman 's pubic area through the lace . This would really turn me on and I would quickly cum . The girdle was an open legged one with garters so it fit right in with my fantasy of looking up a woman 's dress . When I was fourteen I moved in with my Aunt and finally had my own room . I never seemed to want a bra although I had tried one of my sisters on several occasions . My Aunts clothes fit me so I had a whole new treasure trove of feminine attire . We lived in the suburbs and only had one house next to ours with a field on the other side . My room was in the basement and I could go out through the garage into the field next to our place virtually undetected . The laundry was also in the basement so my Aunts underwear was always handy . At night , after I went to bed , I dressed up in my favorite sexy feminine attire and would sneak out into the field and romp about in my sexy underwear . That is in the summertime . Winter my dress up was an indoor activity . When I was fifteen our neighbors wife passed away . Within a year our neighbor remarried . She was a beautiful full figured woman and I liked her immediately . One night I was looking out our basement window toward her house and I noticed her bedroom window shades were open . I stared for a few moments at the window and to my amazement she passed by naked . My cock came instantly to attention . In a few moments she reappeared in a lacy white robe that was open in the front so I got to see her large tits with dark areola . From my angle I could not see her crotch , but the view was great . Next , her husband came up from behind her and reached around and grabbed her beautiful tits . She stood there in the window while her fondled her tits . Then she turned around and her head went down nearly out of sight . I could see him standing there bare chested as her head bobbed up and down . Although I couldn 't see her taking his cock in her mouth it was obvious she was giving him a blowjob . The only window on that side of our house was my small basement window so I am sure our neighbors felt secure leaving their bedroom window curtains open . From then on , I would dress up in my feminine attire nearly every night and watch the window . I was not treated to a sex show every night but on occasion I got to see her beautiful tits and negligee . I got some really great close - ups of those beautiful titties using a pair of binoculars . I tried a couple of times to get a better view by going outside and looking in their window from the ground but we had a backyard light that made it very risky to get to that side of our house especially dressed in panties and a slip . Later that summer I started doing odd jobs for her almost everyday . She liked me and enjoyed my help . I found out she did laundry on Monday 's like most people , so I took advantage of that . In the middle of the week I would go through the dirty laundry and find her panties . She wore sexy panties all colors with lace and even some bikini 's and they fit me perfectly . I would get a pair and go to the bathroom and put them on and wear them home . That night I would masturbate wearing her panties while watching the window for her to walk by . I could smell and taste her pussy and perfume in the crotch of her panties . She must have washed her lacy nightgowns by hand because they never seemed to show up in the clothes hamper . I would wear the panties back the next day and put them back in the hamper . Late in the summer she got a job . She worked for the Red Cross four hours in the afternoon . She hired me to take care of her German Shepherd while she was at work . What an opportunity , I had free reign of her house in the afternoons and I could almost stay as long as I wanted without arousing suspicion from my aunt . The first day I went straight to her bedroom and looked for her underwear drawer . She had one drawer in the chest of drawers that was all underwear , panties , bras , garterbelt and girdles . In another drawer were her nightgowns and slips . I found stockings in another . Her dresses and skirts were hung neatly in the closet . There was a problem , all her panties and bras were folded in rows . Everything was carefully placed in the drawer . To get the items out and back in the drawer exactly as I found them would take a great deal of care . Also , I knew she was very meticulous and I dare not even leave so much as a pubic hair on her precious things . This was going to take some time and thought for me to realize my goal of putting on an entire outfit of hers . That day I used her soiled panties out of the clothes hamper to masturbate with . I decided to dress up in an entire ensemble of black . She had a black dress and slip . Black panties , girdle , bra and stockings . I did not have any black female clothing of my own so black was exciting to me . I got a hard - on just thinking about it . The next day I was ready to fulfill my fantasy . I started by carefully selecting the things I was going to wear . I removed them from the drawers very carefully noting their exact location and how they were folded . I got a pair of lacy black panties . I removed her black open - legged girdle . I got a pair of black stockings and a black half - slip . I selected a black bra and noted that it was an underwire bra size 38C . I went to her closet and took a black dress off the hanger . I carefully wrapped some toilet paper around my cock and tucked it between my legs . I put on the panties and pulled on the girdle . Next I put on the stockings connecting them to the garters . I put on the half - slip . I had to find something to stuff the bra with also it was just slightly too large . I decided to use some of her panties from the dirty clothes hamper to stuff the bra . That idea worked out fine . The dress was a little tight around the waist but since we were about the same height and build . It fit in the shoulders and was the right length . With a little urging I was able to get it zipped up and went in the hallway to look at my handy work . I was standing in front of the hall mirror admiring myself fully dressed in black . My cock was hardening between my legs . I thought I looked good as a woman . All of a sudden , I heard a voice . God she was home and standing in the kitchen door . I spun around as she was yelling what are you doing young man get out of my clothes . I quickly ran down the hall and went into her bedroom and started to unzip the dress and pull it over my head . I was having a devil of a time trying to get the dress off . I was crying and sobbing how sorry I was while struggling with the dress . She came in the room and told me to stop or I would tear the dress . She came over to me and told me to stand still and she unzipped the dress and helped me get it off . I was still sobbing how sorry I was as she undid the bra and reached around me and took it off . I slumped down on the bed facing her . I just sat there in her half slip andWe both stood there for a moment and to my surprise she started to undress . She was wearing a skirt and sweater . She unzipped the skirt and stepped out of it as she pulled the sweater over her head . She had on a lacy full slip . She also pulled it over her head . Then she removed her bra and exposed those beautiful tits . She was just wearing a garter belt , pink panties and stockings . She picked up her skirt and along with the sweater and slip she folded them and laid them in a chair . She looked at me and asked if I liked her breasts . I didn 't answer I just stood there with my mouth open . Come here and help me finish undressing . I stumbled over to her and as I started to undo her garters my cock rubbed against her thigh . She was standing with her legs spread and I knelt down as I removed her stockings my face was right by her pussy . I reached around her waist and undid her garter belt . Again my face was inches from her crotch . I could smell her perfume . My cock was huge it had never been this big . It was at least six inches . I reached for the waistband on her panties and started to pull them down . Her dark bush came into view as I pulled her panties down to the floor . With her panties around her ankles she rubbed her pussy and asked if I had ever seen a woman naked . I lied and said no and she took my hand and led me to the bed . She lay back on the bedspread and told me to feel her vagina . She spread her legs and I saw my first pussy through a mat of coal black hair . I took my hand and started to feel her cunt . She was very wet that surprised me . I let my fingers open her hole and they slid right in . I put my thumb on what I thought was her clit . She started to squirm as I fingered her wet hole . She was rubbing her large nipples then she asked me to suck on her tits . I climbed up her and kept my hand on her cunt while I put my mouth on her right tit and started to lick and suck on her nipple . She reached down and grabbed my cock and started to rub on it . Almost instantly I shot my cum all over her legs and bedspread . After a few moments she said that we would have to keep this as our secret . She wouldn 't tell my aunt about my dressing habits and I would not tell about our lovemaking . She got up on an elbow and looked at me for a second then said I really did look good as a girl and that she would enjoy helping me play that role . She would dress me and make me up and since she did not have children I would be like her daughter . I thought this was strange but as she said it she started to gently rub my cock into a full hard - on and I immediately agreed . She said it was time I lost my virginity . She spread her legs and motioned me on top of her . As I mounted her she led my cock into her pussy . God what a feeling as my cock slipped fully into her hole . I thought her mouth on my cock was amazing but her warm moist pussy felt even better . I started to move in and out as she guided me by grabbing my ass with both hands . I don 't know how long I lasted but I know when I came that time it felt wonderful . I could feel my cum injecting into her body . I think she came with me because we both stopped moving and just lay there . She grabbed my face and we kissed deeply . I slowly got up relishing the great feeling as my cock pulled out of her . She got up and handed me the pair of black lace panties that I had worn earlier and said go ahead and wear these home today you 've already got them soiled . I will see you tomorrow and start your feminine training . She put on a robe as I found my pants and shirt and dressed . As I was leaving she pulled me to her and kissed me again . I went home in a daze . That night I jacked - off at least four times . I fell asleep anticipating the next day . I went over to her house the next day at my usual time and found a note on the kitchen table . She told me to be wearing the clothes she laid out in the bedroom when she got home that afternoon . I went quickly to the bedroom and found an outfit on the bed . It looked like the same outfit that she had on yesterday . A pleated skirt with sweater , lacy slip , bra , garter belt , stockings , and pink panties . I couldn 't wait to try them on . I put on the garter belt then the stockings and panties . When I started to put on the bra I noticed it was a different size than her 38C . It was a 36B . It fit a lot better and it only took a small hand full of tissue to fill up the lacy cups . I 'll bet she went out last evening and bought this bra for her new daughter . I put on the slip . It was satin and I never felt anything so sensuous on my bare skin . I went out to the full - length mirror in the hall and admired myself in her pretty slip . I rubbed it up and down my body . I finished putting on the sweater and skirt again ; I admired myself in the mirror . It was time to let the dog out for a run . I decided to take a chance and go outside with the dog dressed as a girl . Their back yard is fenced and the only person that would be looking in the yard would be my aunt and I knew she was taking her nap at this time . She never missed a nap . So I took the chance and the dog and I went out in the backyard . It was a windy day and the first thing I noticed was how good it felt as the cool breeze rushed up my skirt onto my bare thighs . I romped around in my feminine attire like the dog . I twirled the full skirt and took my panties off so I could feel the air on my cock and balls . I went back in the house and jacked off in front of the mirror . When she got home she looked me over and said I looked nice but I needed to learn to put on make - up if I wanted to be a real girl . She started to refer to me as her little girl . She called me Susie when I was in feminine attire and Billy ( my real name ) when I was a boy . That made me somewhat uncomfortable but I knew I would get to play with her magnificent body if I played along . The next couple of weeks she taught me to put on make - up and I got to dress - up in all kinds of feminine attire . She gave me a drawer in the spare room dresser to keep my girly stuff . I loved the baby - doll pajamas and the lacy nightgowns . I started to take them home and wear them to bed at night . She made me some breast forms out of a satin material filled with something I 'm not sure what but they worked very well . She also bought me a wig . It was a short blond wig not quite to my shoulders cut in a page boy style . We both wore size 8 1 / 2 shoes but hers really didn 't fit so she bought me a pair of flats that I could wear . As for the make - up I wasn 't a very good student but I finally got the hang of it . I was amazed how just a little eye and lip make - up really transformed me into a pretty good - looking girl . She said when I was made up I looked older at least eighteen . She said I had a great female body from the waist down . She said my butt was perfect . Most women would give their right arm for a butt as pretty as mine . It was round and firm . Not flat like hers . I didn 't understand what she meant but I took the compliment and enjoyed it . She also said my legs were almost as perfect . That I did understand . When I looked at my shapely legs in the mirror with stockings on , I knew they looked good . She also taught me about the fashion accessories purses , scarves , jewelry , perfume and all that kind of stuff . It was so much easier to be a boy . She taught me to walk and sit like a girl . I caught on to that easily . I think I was born a little more feminine than masculine . She said I had a natural " swish " when I walked and all I needed to do was to accentuate it a little . The biggest problem with my transformation was my hands . I worked outdoors a lot so my hands were rough and my nails were terrible . She told me to use hand cream all the time . I had to always wear gloves when I worked . She also had me use the cream with gloves at night . This regimen seemed to work so after a couple of weeks my hands and nails were better . I also got trained on the female anatomy . One afternoon she got on the bed with a mirror and spread her pussy open and showed me all the parts . The inner and outer labia , her clit and where she peed from . I had to name each part as I kissed it . She said all girls need to know everything about their vagina . Right then I wished I had a vagina and tits but I wanted to keep my cock too . She taught me how to pee like a girl . To sit on the toilet and wipe myself . She said all girls needed to keep their vaginas clean . So while dressed as a girl I had to set down to pee and wipe my cock . When we were making love she showed me several positions . She taught me to eat her out so she got the most pleasure from it . She liked me to use my tongue on her asshole while I ate her out . When she got ready to cum I would stick two fingers in her ass and she would cum a ton . She used that same technique on me when she sucked me and I can 't believe how good it felt . It felt like I was dealing with four different people . When she was teaching me about female dressing she talked to me as her teenage daughter . When we were making love I was her masculine lover and she had a wild look in her eye . When we were around other people I was just the kid next door and when she taught me the female anatomy it was like I was a little girl . I could see her personality transformations happen right in front of me but I don 't think she was even aware she changed . The last week of summer vacation was here and Janet 's job was over . Oh ! Have I mentioned her name ? Well she is Janet and her husband is Jim . At the end of summer vacation my aunt and uncle had an opportunity for a two - week vacation to New York City to visit some friends . Since , I had to start school in a week it was decided that I would stay at home under the watchful eye of Janet and Jim . I would sleep at home and eat at their house ( hooray ) . I think Janet was as excited about this arrangement as I was . I also got a job mowing about five hours each morning . So by a little after noon I was free . Janet decided that it was time I went out as her girl . This scared me half to death but it also excited me . She said we would go to a shopping center in her old hometown about fifty miles away . If I could finish early on Thursday we could get there in time for a late lunch and we could shop for clothing . I got my mowing done by ten thirty and went to her house to shower and prepare for my going out party . When I got in the shower she came in the bathroom and said I needed to shave real close . I could use her razor and we needed to do something about my leg hair . I protested . I said I could not shave my legs I was still wearing shorts and I wouldn 't be able to go to school with shaved legs . She said she understood since my hair was blond maybe she could use her hair clippers and just remove the long hair . She assured me nobody would notice . I finished showering and shaved my face under her watchful eye then I sat on the toilet while she used her clippers to remove the hair from my legs . I must admit she did a good job . I still had leg hair but from a distance it would not be noticeable through my stockings . She had chosen a favorite outfit of mine for me to wear . A burgundy pleated skirt with a pale pink sweater . I was wearing all pink underneath . I got admonished again about putting my make - up on too heavy . She said I must have some French whore in my background because I always applied too much . She gave me a shoulder length purse to carry . Since I had not carried a purse before she thought there would be less chance of me losing a shoulder bag . Instead of getting in the car in the garage she had left it outside in the driveway . So I had to walk outside and get in the car . This was my first real exposure to the outside world dressed as a young girl . I found it exhilarating . The drive to her hometown was uneventful she talked about the stores where we would be shopping and where we would have lunch . She could tell that I was getting anxious the closer we got to our destination . She assured me I would not be found out and that I looked lovely . She was sure my feminine actions would not give me away . Relax and enjoy . Just remember we could share our experiences in her bed when I was acting more like a man . I liked that comment and it did make me feel more at ease . We arrived at something like today 's strip mall . There was a major department store with several side shops and an Italian restaurant with outdoor seating . She said we would eat at that restaurant . We parked in the middle . With some trepidation I got out of the car and followed Janet to the restaurant . It was a nice day so we were seated outside . After we ordered she got up and said come on honey lets got to the restroom . Uh oh , I don 't know why but I hadn 't anticipated that even though I did need to go . I would have to use the woman 's restroom . I followed her into the restaurant and to the door marked woman . When we went in there was nobody inside . She told me to use a stall and don 't worry no one was going to barge in and see me peeing with a penis . Just pull your girdle and panties down and sit on the toilet . Use some toilet paper to wipe yourself . I told her I remembered how she taught me . When I grabbed my cock it immediately started to get hard . I had to focus my attention on something else to be able to pee . When I came out of the stall two elderly women came in and they just smiled and went about their business . Janet was at the mirror fixing her hair so I followed suit . We had a good lunch and I was getting used to my feminine role . She said we would shop for dresses . Her and I and that it would be fun trying them on . Oh god another thing I hadn 't anticipated . Trying on meant I would have to undress in some fashion . I wasn 't sure what it would be like . We went to the department store and to woman 's fashions . She started to look at dresses and told me to do the same . She was a size twelve and her dresses were a little tight on me so she told me to go to the size fourteen rack and look for something nice . I watched as she selected a couple of dresses and went toward the dressing room to try them on . All of a sudden a sales lady came up to me and said the dress I had in my hand would look great on me would I like to try it on . I hadn 't talked to anyone except Janet dressed as a girl so I hadn 't tried to change my voice . This is one area Janet hadn 't brought up in my training . Janet wasn 't here so I started to panic then I decided to give it a try and I answered the sales lady just raising my voice a little . No thank you . The sales lady was persistent and she selected another dress and held it up to me and said this one would also look great . I decided to go it alone . I took the other dress and with my selection went toward the fitting rooms . The sales lady was following me and said something that sounded like " here I 'll help you " . I said no thanks in my high voice . I just couldn 't imagine her coming into the changing room with me . What did she mean by helping me ? Did she come in the room with me and watch me undress ? God ! Where was Janet ? I was lost and scared . Just as I got to the opening to the changing rooms I saw Janet coming out in a beautiful dress . I stopped to admire her . She saw my worried look and sensed my nervousness . She said honey what do you think and modeled the dress for me . This seemed to sidetrack the sales lady that was following me to my relief . I told her she looked beautiful and she took my hand and led me back toward the dress racks . I think I 'll get this onRelieved I again headed toward the dressing rooms . I went in and saw a row of curtained cubicles . Janet went into one and I went past her to the first open curtain . I went in and closed the curtain tight . The dress was a short sleeve blue print with a full skirt . I tried it on and it fit perfect . I heard Janet outside my dressing room and she asked me to come out so she could see . I opened the curtain and stepped out cautiously . She said turn around and yes that will do nicely but let 's try on the purple one . She had it in her hand and handed it to me . I went back in the room and removed the first dress as I was standing there in my half slip and bra . I felt my cock get hard . Janet was right . I would remember these experiences later and jack - off furiously . I put on the purple one and confidently went out of the changing area to model the dress for Janet . She was standing there and motioned for me to look in the mirror . I spun around and looked in the mirror . I was sold I looked beautiful in this dress . I said I wanted this one and she said go change and we will get it . When I came out of the changing area and handed the purple dress to Janet she said this dress needs a petticoat . I wasn 't sure what that meant until we went to the foundation department and she selected a white petticoat . Then I knew what she meant . Wow I couldn 't wait to get home and try on my new dress with the petticoat . She went to the sales counter and paid for it all . We walked out of the store and I know I had a little more swish in my walk . Janet suggested we get a cup of coffee before we headed home . We went back to the place we ate lunch and sat a table and ordered coffee . After a while Janet left the table to go to the restroom . While she was gone two good - looking boys came by . They looked to be about eighteen and were looking at me . I felt very self - conscious . They slowed down and kept staring . I finally smiled at them not knowing what else to do . The next thing I know they were coming over to my table . What do I do now ? They came up to the table and asked me something . I wasn 't sure what they said . I was getting panicky again . One guy sat down next to me and asked my name . I mumbled something and suddenly I felt his hand on my knee . Oh my god he was going to feel me up . Just as suddenly Janet returned and the boys got up and she asked them something . Again I wasn 't hearing to well . As the boys hurried away Janet said let 's go so I hurriedly got to my feet and almost ran to the car . When we got in the car I started to say something but before I could she started on me . Why you little slut . What were you doing flirting with those boys ? I told you to be careful with boys . You especially should know they are all on the make . I saw the one that sat down next to you had his hand up your skirt . Did you let him get a good feel ? I was shocked . I stammered I didn 't ' mean to flirt . I just smiled and they came over . I 'm sorry . She saw I was almost in tears . She said there now it 's all right . I know you didn 't mean it but when you are a young girl you have to be real careful . You know those boys just wanted to get your panties off . I said I know I was relieved and she started the car and we left the shopping center . On the way home she asked me how many times I had a hard - on today . I said many times . Once in the ladies room and again in the changing room . I also got a little excited when that guy put his hand on my knee . Oh and when I looked in the mirror with my new dress on . How about now she asked ? I said yes so she asked me to masturbate for her on the way home . We were on a country single lane road . I pulled up my skirt and slip and pulled off my girdle and panties . My cock was rock hard . I started to jack off . She told me she was getting real wet watching me rub myself . In a few minutes I was ready to cum and reached for a tissue . She told me to cum in my hand not in the tissue and let her taste my cum . So I shot my load in my left hand and held it by her mouth and she licked it while she drove . Then she told me to taste it myself . So I put my hand by my mouth and sucked up the rest of my cum . She said it tasted better coming straight out of a penis . I cleaned myself off and put my panties back on and we drove on home . As soon as we got home she started undressing almost before we got in the door . She said she needed me right away and we made love in the living room on the carpet . After we finished I changed back into a boy and she started dinner . Jim would be home from work soon so I didn 't have time to try on my new dress . That night I almost wore my cock out jacking off . I had a mowing job that Friday . When I got home and went to see Janet she sat me down for a serious talk . Jim knows everything . I told him about your female dressing and our lovemaking . I was shocked . She said he understands and doesn 't mind . He is happy that I have someone to treat like the daughter I have always wanted . He wants to meet Susie . He wants to see you dressed as my girl . I told him that after dinner tonight you would dress up and we would give him a special evening . I was still shocked . Even though she said he understood I said what about our lovemaking . Oh don 't worry I made love to other men before I married Jim and he understands my desires . You 'll see he is not mad at you . Well ok if you say so but I was still nervous . She said I could wear my new dress and petticoat it would be a very special evening . At dinner Jim didn 't let on he knew anything . After dinner Janet and I went to her room and started preparing for the evening . I had already taken a shower earlier . She had my outfit laid out on the bed . It was my new dress and petticoat along with a new pink lacy matching bra and garter belt . She had a new pair of pink panties . They were not briefs but tap panties with lace scallops at the leg openings They were very pretty but I said what about my penis sticking out . She said not to worry my petticoat would hide any bulges . I got undressed and put on the bra and panties . She gave me a pair of white stockings and I put on the garter belt and stockings and we both admired how pretty I looked . I had a huge hard on as I sat down at her vanity . She painted my nails with a purple polish that matched my dress . Then she helped me apply my makeup . She said when we finished I was to wait in the spare room until she called me and then go into the family room where she and Jim would be waiting . I put on the petticoat and my dress . It felt great with all that lace around my legs . I put on my wig and she put a ribbon in my hair . She gave me a silver necklace and earrings to wear . When we finished she declared I was the prettiest girl she had ever seen . I must admit the dress with the petticoat and all the trimmings did make me look good . Janet was right my cock didn 't show . I still tried to keep it tucked between my legs . I went into the spare room to wait her call . I was very nervous but the glass of wine I had with dinner helped me relax a little . They usually had wine with dinner and they let me have a glass . It was normally watered down for me but tonight it wasn 't . So I had a little glow on . Finally , Janet called and I went into the family room . She and Jim we setting on the couch . He had on his robe and she wore a white peignoir . When I entered the room Jim 's eyes lit up and he said my god she is stunning . Now they both were referring to me as a girl . Oh well I felt like one then . Janet told me to spin around to show off the dress . She said you should have seen her yesterday . I just left her for a minute and she had two boys flirting with her . One even had his hand up her skirt . I protested that he only had his hand on my knee . Jim said that I had better watch out . Some boys might not like what they find up my skirt . Janet laughed and told me to take off my dress she wanted Jim to see my pretty underwear . I just stood there with my mouth open . She wanted me to undress in front of Jim . Come on sweetie she said as she got up to help me . We girls are going to please our man this evening . I was in a daze but what ever she wanted I was bound to comply . She helped me take off the dress and the petticoat . Jim sat there watching as I stood there in my underwear . Doesn 't she look sexy in pink she asked Jim ? He agreed . My cock started to harden and the tap panties didn 't hold it in so it stuck out in front of my panties . Janet went over to Jim and sat down in front of him on the floor and asked me to join her . I went over and sat down beside her facing Jim . She opened his robe and to my surprise he was naked underneath . Ooh look what I found as she reached out and picked up his stiffening cock . I was mesmerized by her actions and watched as she got him hard . He had a skinny cock that was longer than mine but not much . His balls were huge . I couldn 't get over how big they were . She took my hand and put it on his cock . She told him I liked cum and that yesterday I ate my own in the car . She asked me to help her suck him off . I was overwhelmed but I said all right and we both put our mouths on him . I kissed the head as she encouraged me to take it in my mouth . I remember when I did I thought that this wasn 't too bad and started to suck him off . She was rubbing his balls and whispering in my ear how good I was doing . He was moaning and rubbing my head . I don 't know how long I sucked on him but soon he was ready to cum . Janet sensed this and told me to get ready for him to cum in my mouth . Don 't worry she said it will be all right . He convulsed and shot his load in my mouth . Most of it went right down my throat but I couldn 't hold it all and some leaked out the side of my mouth . She helped me clean up the rest of his cum and suck the remaining out of his cock . He said I was an excellent cocksucker . Janet said I knew she would be . Janet got up and removed her pengoir and told me to get naked too . I took off the rest of my underwear and Janet told Jim she was going to suck me off . I lay back on the floor and she started to suck on me Jim got down on the floor with us and watched closely as she expertly sucked me off . She sucked me dry then asked Jim to fuck her . I watched as he mounted her . She put her legs around his neck and he started to pump her pussy . The whole time he was on her she was shouting fuck me , fuck me , fuck my pussy hard . I watched as his cock went in and out of her beautiful cunt . She had always called her cunt a vagina and my cock a penis before tonight . Now she was using all the vulgarities she could . After what seemed a long time he finally came in her . He got up and she asked him to get us some wine . She lay there glistening with sweat and as she spread her legs open asked me to look at her pussy . She wanted me to see what a woman 's pussy looked like after it had been fucked . I positioned myself between her legs and looked at her cunt . It was wide open and his cum was oozing out of the hole . I told her how beautiful it looked and started to clean off his cum with a tissue . She said no use your tongue . I put my head down between her legs and sucked her pussy until I got all the cum mixture out of her I could get . She had another orgasm while I was eating her . Jim came back with the wine and when he saw me sucking Janet 's pussy he said to Janet boy she does like cum doesn 't she . We sat around naked and drank a glass of wine . Janet said she wanted Jim to fuck me in my pretty ass . Before I could protest she said don 't worry sweetie he will be gentle . Your ass will be like your pussy and he will take your virginity . She poured me a little more wine , which I quickly downed . I reluctantly said okay and asked what to do next . She told me to get on my hands and knees on the floor stick my ass up in the air and Jim would get me from behind . I got on the floor . I could see Jim 's cock getting hard . Janet got on the floor in front of me and handed Jim a tube of K - Y Jelly . Jim said she does have a pretty ass as he rubbed it and applied a finger full of jelly to my hole . Janet said okay sweetie he going to enter you now . It will hurt at first but the pain will pass . I felt him pressing his cock against my asshole . As he penetrated me it burned like a hot poker and I winced . Janet saw my discomfort and reassured me that the pain would be over soon . I felt his cock penetrate deeper . It made me feel full . The pain was easing as I felt his balls hit the back of my legs . Janet said he 's in he 's all the way in . He started to fuck me . Janet was really excited she was encouraging Jim to move faster . I noticed my cock was hard and Janet had her hand in her cunt finger fucking herself furiously . I think I saw her whole hand disappear in her cunt . Jim 's pace slowed and Janet reached under me and grabbed my cock and started jacking me off . She said he 's going to cum . you 're going to feel it going in you . She said all girls like to feel a man cumming inside them . About then he shoved his cock in me as far as he could I heard him grunt and I felt his cum spurt inside me . At the same time I shot a load of cum in Janet 's hand . Jim stayed in me until he had finished cumming . When he pulled his cock out I heard a plop as it come out of my hole . Janet was smiling at me and she said their honey now yWhen I sat down on the toilet to pee I felt more cum pour out of my wide - open asshole . When I went back to the family room they both had on their robes . Janet told me to go put on a nightgown and come back and set with them . I put on my favorite baby doll nightie and returned to the family room they were setting on the couch . She was curled up beside him and he had his arm around her . She motioned me over to them and I joined them on the couch . I sat next to him and he put his other arm around me and held me close . I drank another glass of wine and by now I was feeling good although my asshole was very sore . Jim said we were going up to the camp tomorrow . They had a small cabin on a lake nearby . Jim had a boat and I had gone there with them many times . Janet said I could go as Susie . I said all right . She said I could wear her yellow top and shorts . She reached in Jim 's robe and started to fondle Jim 's cock . The next thing I knew we were sucking him off again . She got most of his cum this time . After we finished on Jim she let me fuck her with Jim watching . Of course I had to suck my cum out of her pussy afterward . I was tired so I said I was going to bed . She kissed me and told me I did very well . When I got in bed I could not go to sleep . I was worried that I had become a homosexual . After all I had just sucked Jim 's cock twice and he had fucked me in the ass . Then it dawned on me I was BI - sexual . I loved fucking Janet more than anything and the sex with Jim was all right too . This eased my mind and I went to sleep . The next morning my ass was still sore as I put on Janet 's yellow knit top and shorts . I had on a white bra and a white control brief panty . We drove to the lake . Janet or Jim neither one mentioned our sexcapade from the night before . The panty was uncomfortable but it held my cock between my legs . I had to wear it to keep the front of my shorts flat and feminine looking . When we got to the cabin Jim started some clean up chores he needed to do . Normally , if I was a boy I would help him but as Susie I went in the cabin to help Janet with girl things . We fixed lunch and after lunch Jim and I went down to the dock to see the lake . Jim was doing something to the boat and I was standing on the dock when all of sudden Brad showed up . He was a boy my age from down the lake . Just a month ago he and I had been water skiing and hanging out on the lake . I was in shock . What was he going to say ? Here I was dressed as a girl . To my amazement he looked right at me and then turned and said hi to Jim and asked if Billy was here . Jim smiled as he looked at me and told Brad Billy wasn 't here . Then he introduced me as Janet 's niece Susie . Brad smiled and said hi and I smiled back and greeted him . He started to ask where I lived but Jim seeing my distress interrupted him and said we had to get going . I almost ran off the dock but I still looked back as we left and saw Brad looking at me . He had a look like he was undressing me . When we got back to the cabin Jim told Janet about our encounter with Brad . She teased me and asked if I wanted to invite him over for dinner . Jim told her Brad eyes almost bugged out of his head when Susie smiled at him . Janet said she is a real flirt this one . We should invite him over but not for dinner . Jim said you two girls could have " him " for dinner . Ooh that sounds good another cock would suit us fine right Susie . I just nodded then Janet said speaking of cocks I 'm horny lets go in the bedroom . We all went into the bedroom . It had one large bed . Janet said come on Susie let 's get undressed we 've got some serious cock sucking to do . Jim 's cock was already hard when he got on the bed . He lay back and Janet and I got on either side of him and started to suck him off together . After we sucked his cock a few minutes I asked if I could be fucked like a girl . I saw Janet 's eyes light up . I don 't think Jim fucking me was planned but I knew how much it excited Janet the night before so I thought it would excite her even more if I suggested it myself . It did and she was all for it especially if he got me in the missionary position " like a girl " . I lay back on the bed and Janet put a pillow under my ass to get my hole up where Jim could get his cock in me easier . She got some cream from her dresser and put it in my asshole . She sat beside me at my head . I put my legs in the air and as Jim started to put his cock in me . Janet warned me it was going to hurt again . God it burned when he penetrated me but it soon was all right . I could feel him filling me up with his cock . He has it all the way in now sweetie Janet said . Just relax and feel him fucking you . As Jim pounded away on me I grabbed Janet 's tit and started to suck on it . She took my hand and put it on her pussy and I began to finger fuck her wet cunt . She was exhorting Jim to fuck me and bouncing up and down on my hand . Then she grabbed my already hard cock and started to jack me off . Jim let out a grunt and pushed as deep in me as he could and I felt him shoot his load in me . At the same time I shot my load all over my stomach . Janet ground down on my hand and got her orgasm about then too . Jim pulled out and Janet started to rub my cum into my stomach and chest . She told me I was a very good girl . We spent about another hour fucking and sucking each other . I got to fuck Janet in the ass , which was a new and pleasurable experience for me . We got cleaned up then and got ready to leave . The next day was Sunday our last day together before I had to go back to school . That evening Janet came in the spare bedroom as I was getting ready for bed . She sat down on the bed next to me and thanked me for playing her daughter for the last few weeks . She said tomorrow that I needed to go back to being a boy . I could keep my female things here in their spare bedroom and I could come over any time and play dress up . I could also play with her but I was a boy and I needed to concentrate on that . I said I understood what she meant and I told her I loved her . We hugged and I went to bed . The next day I went back to school . I still visited her when I could . It seemed we were both busy a lot and our love making sessions got further and further apart . I met a girl in school and started dating her . I used some of my expertise that I learned from Janet on my new girl friend . She was impressed with my sexual prowess . That Christmas Janet got me a special gift . She got me three pair of lacy bikini panties . I got to model them for her and while we were making love I told her about my new girl and that I was having sex with her also . She didn 't say but I don 't think she was happy about that . That next summer Janet found out she had lung cancer . She was a heavy smoker . I was devastated . She died that fall . It nearly killed Jim . That was his second wife to die of cancer . After the funeral Jim called me over to his house . He thanked me for being Janet 's special friend . He told me he was selling the house and moving to Florida to live with his brother . He said Janet 's sister was coming tomorrow to go through Janet 's things . He said I could have any of her clothes I wanted and I needed to take my stuff out of the spare room . I thanked him and went into her bedroom and selected a couple of pairs of her panties . I also took the entire black ensemble that she caught me wearing that day . I couldn 't take all of my feminine clothing home . I just didn 't have enough space to hide it all . That ended my episode with Janet and Jim . I am still a crossdresser and I still have that black dress . It doesn 't fit anymore but I still have it . Annabelle B . is a fan of erotica literature , particularly crossdressing and feminization writings . She currently is an art student seeking a Masters in Illustration . While not working at her store she is enjoying work at her mini studio either writing or drawing . You can contact her at : alicegarden01 @ yahoo . comThank you for visiting her blog ! Questions and suggestions are always welcomed ! View my complete profile " Ooooh , that 's good . You see , that wasn 't so difficult was it ? " James asked . Back and forth , he thrust into the boy 's pussy that was firmly clamped around his thick organ . " You know , Taylor . I 've been missing this for weeks . You 're going to get a damned good seeing - to tonight , he chuckled . Peter 's back suddenly arched and an involuntary orgasm dribbled down onto Mrs Shepherd 's delicate lace panties as his bottom clenched rhythmically on his boss 's penis , which in turn was pumping load after load of thick white sperm into his red hot bottom . - Bossed into Panties 2007 ( Karen Petties ) |
Continuation of Sweet Suzie Bear 's journal : As Jack , the Little Giant , told his story , I saw that some of the bears were having fun with the large dishes and utensils in the banquet hall . They climbed into teacups and posed for pictures . They tried manipulating spoons and forks , and they all looked very silly . That was a fun time . Sitting on the ground underneath a tree was delightful . We heard the story of the Big Giant as we sat underneath the tree . It was a huge tree . I 'm not sure of what kind of tree it is , but I think that it is an ash tree . A mountain ash , maybe . My name is Bobby Allen . I 've been wandering this land for many years . Even among the giants , I am big . There are stories that I eat the tops of trees as if they were broccoli , but that isn 't true . Tree bark isn 't especially tasty , even after soaking in a marinade for a week . I eat regular food , like the other giants , just more of it . I spend a lot of time walking in the forests during the winter , when the trees are naked and the squirrels have fled . I step on the snow and it squeaks beneath my feet . The forest is where I go for quiet . There is a woman who lives in a small house in the forest . She is a human and not a giant , and she left the Land of the Humans many years ago because she wanted to live in the forest . She built her house from the fallen trees and she collects the apples that grow and she collects the berries and the nuts and the garlic that grows wild and the dandelions when they are young and she makes soups and she cans the fruits and so , she has more than enough to eat year round . The woman 's name is Adelise . She plays the flute in the forest . The animals listen to her play , and they dance . I had heard about Adelise playing the flute for the animals but , until I saw her and heard her play the flute , I could scarcely believe it . I 've never heard flute playing like that . Adelise could coax the plants from the ground and she made the squirrels dance up and down the trees . But there was someone who didn 't really like hearing the flute . He was a man named Oscar . He was either a very tall human or a very little giant . I don 't know which . He was extremely grumpy . He went to live in the forest to get away from people because he said that he didn 't like them . I saw him a few times when I visited the forest . He never bothered me much because I am such an enormous giant but he wasn 't very nice to Adelise . One day , Oscar stole Adelise 's flute so that she could not play any more . Adelise was so sad that her flute was gone that she didn 't do anything . She stopped taking care of her food and she didn 't sweep her little house . She didn 't go outside to visit the animals or to find water in the brook . The squirrels stopped dancing up and down the trees . Oscar took the flute back to the cave where he was living . It was a small cave and very damp and kind of cold . Maybe that 's why he got to be so grumpy . Oscar put the flute in a box filled with stuff that he stole from people in the city and people in the countryside . Oscar tried to play with the stuff . He pulled a yo yo from the box and played with that . He played with a deck of cards that was three cards short of a full deck . He played with some old seashells . He clanged the cymbals together with so much force that all of the animals outside of the cave scurried away . As Oscar was playing the the stuff , his attitude changed . He played and played and played and he realized that it was fun to play with stuff and , maybe , it might be fun to play with friends . Oscar began to sing the songs of the forest . Adelise played the flute . The animals came to listen to the music of the forest . One day , Oscar was not there anymore . Adelise looked for him , day after day . She walked away from her little house in the forest . She walked across fields and she climbed hills and she got into a canoe and paddled across a lake , but she could not find Oscar . So she returned to her little house in the forest . The animals welcomed her . It was dark . The animals told her that the sun forgot to rise because she didn 't play the flute . Someday , they said , Oscar would come back for her . I met Adelise after Oscar had gone away . She asked me to share her story , and , so , I have . It is the story of how the little human and the big giant became friends , even though no one believed that little humans and very big giants could be friends . Synopsis of yesterday 's episode : George Junior talks about his life and his experiences and how he decided to become a cook . From Sweet Suzie Bear 's Journal : We have arrived at the Land of the Giants . George Junior and I hopped off the ship together . We spent a lot of time chatting during the voyage and have become good friends . My dad said that he was happy about that because he needed to attend to Beartrand . My dad didn 't want me to be alone and I 'm not alone because I have my friend . Beartrand has not been well . He is the most seasick bear that I 've ever seen , and I 've seen a lot of seasick bears , including my dad , so that 's saying a lot . Anyway , George Junior and I were both excited about being in the Land of the Giants . I brought a camera so that I could take pictures of everything being large . We went to a tea house so that we could have some tea and scones before the evening 's welcome and story telling session . . . and the tea cups and pots were so big ! We were served our tea in a child 's tea party set . It really was funny . Of course , we had to be photographed with the giant tea things . I 'll share another funny tea picture tomorrow . And so , the giants served us a delicious dinner , with soup and stew and salad and something very chocolatey . George Junior knew what it was . He said that it was a moose . I am sure that I have never seen a chocolate moose but he insisted that it was a moose . Hmm . He is a silly goose . . . I mean human . Then , it was time for story telling . The Giants are well known for their ability to spin a yarn and it is hard to tell if it is a true story or just fiction . Here is the story that I heard , as best as I can recall . My name is Jack , and I am a Little Giant . Everyone thinks that all giants are big but that is not true . Some giants are bigger than others and others are littler than others . I am one of the littler giants . When I was a very little giant , I climbed a beanstalk . I always loved beans and the very best beans were on the top of the beanstalk . My mom read to me a story about Jack , who Personal Note : When I was a little girl , my father used to tell stories of a little giant to my sisters and to me . Apparently , he made them up as he went along . None of the stories were written , so we don 't have any record of the stories . I was very young when he told the stories so I don 't remember them . But , in the spirit of inventing stories , as my dad did , I am making up new Little Giant stories . I dedicate this and all other stories about giants , large or small , to the memory of my father , Roy Gerard ( 1920 - 2012 ) . Thank you , Pop , for giving me the love of storytelling . I will love you forever . Synopsis of yesterday 's episode : The sea voyage continues . Sweet Suzie Bear describes life on the sea in her journal . She enjoys swimming with dolphins and she wonders at the flying fish that are attracted to the ship 's lights . From the journal of George Junior : When I was ten years old , my dad and I got lost at sea and were rescued by Bearnacle Bear . My dad had just started working as a fisherman and he wasn 't very good at steering his boat . So we got lost and we drifted aimlessly until the bears rescued us . It was an amazing experience because my dad was a prison guard and Bearnacle had been kept in the prison for , I think , two years . My dad said that he was very mean when he was a prison guard . After Bearnacle ran away , my dad understood that he had treated Bearnacle and others badly . He said that he did not like the person whom he became and he tried to change himself so that he could share kindness with others . He learned how to catch fish so that people could eat and be well fed . My dad talked about " paying it forward , " but I never really understood . I think that it means that , if someone does you a favor , you do the same favor for a third person , preferably someone who doesn 't expect it . Anyway , my dad and Bearnacle ended up by becoming good friends . After Bearnacle brought us safely back home , he stayed with our family for about a week . He told us story after story about the sea , and my dad was happy that he had become a fisherman . Being on the bears ' ship after we were rescued was a real adventure for me . I was so happy to be there . I got to see every part of the ship . My favorite part was the galley , where all of the food was made . I was permitted to help prepare the food . That experience changed my life . Until then , I never thought of anything besides skipping rocks on the water and throwing snowballs and chasing my cousin through the house . After that , I thought about food . I thought about cooking food and baking food and I became a cook , sometimes in a restaurant and sometimes in ships . My dad and I werPosted by Synopsis of yesterday 's episode : The Bears came out of hibernation . Bearnacle Bear set sail , with Beartrand the radio announcer bear and Sweet Suzie Bear . Beartrand was quite seasick but he managed to cope and his talents as an announcer were very much in demand during social events . Sweet Suzie Bear was more adjusted to ship travel , as she was born during Bearnacle 's first journey and , as a result , had her first sea journey when she was very young . An excerpt from Sweet Suzie Bear : We are getting closer to the Land of the Giants . I had been there when I was a little cub but I barely remember anything , except that the Giants were indeed very large . I am looking forward to meeting them . I have been told that they are the best story tellers in the world and that they have a whole series of stories about a Little Giant . I am looking forward to hearing the stories . The trip has been beautiful and quite delightful . Bearnacle is a great captain . He is happy to be at sea and he really knows everything about the ship . Anytime I have a question , he takes the time to give me a complete answer . Like I wanted to know about the flying fish that come out when the lights are shining from the ship at night . It was amazing to watch the flying fish jump up to four feet out of the water and then go back in again . They come in large schools of fish and they jump as a group and , wow , that is amazing . One of these days , I might paint a picture of flying fish jumping as a group . I played a little bit with mixed media but , mostly , I just watched the water . Yesterday , we got treated to a show of dolphins leaping and dancing near the starboard side of the ship . A few crew members got into a life boat and jumped into the sea from that . They danced with the dolphins in the water . I watched for a while and then one of the crew members invited me to come dance with the dolphins , too , so I did . The water felt cold at first but it didn 't take long for me to get used to it . I swam with the dolphins and , oh , there is nothing like it . What a treat ! I will never forget swimming with the dolphins ! It was one of the most joyous experiences that I 've ever had . Tomorrow , we will arrive at the Land of the Giants . Bye for now ! love , Sweet Suzie Bear Synopsis of Friday 's episode : The bears went into hibernation amidst the snow and wind and coldness of winter . When the bears awoke from hibernating , soft little leaves had sprouted from their buds and the trees were covered with flowers . It was time for Bearnacle Bear to take another voyage with his crew . He had some guests who were coming along for the trip to visit the Land of the Giants . The guests were the human fishermen George and George Junior , the radio station announcer Beartrand , and the artist Sweet Suzie Bear . An entry from the diary of Beartrand , the radio station bear : It has been four days since we left our homeland . Before we left , there was a big parade to celebrate our sea journey . Very few bears have ever visited the Land of the Giants . We only know about the Land of the Giants because of the shipwreck that Bearnacle experienced while on his first voyage as a captain . I remember when I first met Bearnacle . It was shortly before I interviewed him . I had no idea that he was a sea captain . I even thought that Bearnacle regularly stowed away on ships and that he was a petty crook . Well , nothing could be further from the truth , although , as it turned out , Bearnacle did stow away on a ship when he was a cub and he didn 't want to go to school . So he wandered away from school one day and he saw a ship in the harbor with the gangplank down . He wanted to look at the ship and he walked up the gangplank and started poking around below deck . Before he could get off the ship and go home , the ship departed with Bearnacle on it ! The ship 's crew treated him like a mascot and , after that , Bearnacle decided to be a ship 's captain . When he returned home after a short sea voyage , Bearnacle 's parents were mad and his teachers were mad and his brothers were jealous ! Well , anyway , I never got to have such an adventure when I was a cub so I suppose that I should be jealous , too . But no . I don 't think so . I 'm happy with the path that I took . I always wanted to be a radio announcer . I loved all of the new music and I sang iPosted by Hibernation : Hibernation in bears lasts up to seven months . Bears do not eat , drink , pee , or poop when they are hibernating . Hibernation is almost like being in suspended animation or stasis . Bears will go into hibernation when the weather becomes cold and , when spring begins , the bears come out of hibernation . The bears hibernate because , in the winter , their favorite foods ( nuts and berries ) become difficult to obtain . Bears survive on their stored fat . Shortly before hibernation time , bears eat massive quantities of food , building up fat in their bodies . The bears ' heartbeat becomes extremely slow , about ten beats per minute , and the bears ' body temperature drops dramatically . During hibernation , bears can lose anywhere from fifteen to forty percent of their body weight . Bearnacle Bear , Bertrand , Sweet Suzie Bear , and all of the other bears have gone into hibernation . Hibernation Haiku : snow falls on oak trees , covering branches with white . Time for bears to sleep . Naked trees stand tallall the fruit has been picked cleannothing left to eat . A dark den awaitsas bears sleepily crawl inhibernation time . The sun sets earlyand stars glitter in the nightearth 's beauty is cold . Sleep well , little bear , may your dreams be beautifulin your long , long sleep . Monday 's tale : The bears wake from their hibernation , and Bearnacle Bears and friends begin their voyage to the Land of the Giants . Today , I went to Stella Niagara , in Lewiston , New York , for a painting class . Normally , I go twice a month to this class . Two weeks ago , the class was canceled , due to terrible weather . It was snowing sideways , creating whiteout conditions , so I was happy to stay at home and paint a bear . Today , it was relatively warm and it was sunny , so I went to paint at Stella Niagara . The theme of the class was flowers done in a Chinese style . We had to adapt the lesson because we didn 't really have the proper tools to make the painting look Chinese . The main tool that we were lacking was a very soft paintbrush . Our instructor , Virginia , told us that we would find the paintbrushes to be difficult to handle and that we would need one class session just to learn how to manipulate the paintbrush . We will have such a lesson at some point in the spring . This morning , before I went to the class , I watched a video on the Internet that demonstrated a Chinese technique of painting flowers . It was interesting to watch . The artist used a lot of paint and a lot of water . He began to paint immediately , without making a sketch first . He spoke in Chinese , without any subtitles , so I didn 't understand a word of it , but I did enjoy watching it . Click on the video below and you can watch and listen , too , if you like . The painting at the top was the start of my painting . I used red paint and added lots and lots of water . Here , I am adding details to the flower , as well as a little yellow . I add more leaves and more detail , until I reach this point . This is when I decide that the painting is finished . One of the more challenging things for me when doing watercolor is making the decision not to paint anymore . It is very easy to overwork a watercolor painting ! And here we go ! The completed painting ! A large flower , which is really a pleasure to see in the middle of the winter . It is a type of lily . I had a load of fun making this painting . Watch the video and enjoy ! Synopsis of yesterday 's episode : Beartrand Bear enjoyed the reception and he also interviewed Sweet Suzie Bear . She let him know that she wanted to go to the Land of the Giants , along with Beartrand Bear , Bearnacle Bear , and his crew . Beartrand Bear enjoyed a wide variety of foods and he walked around the gallery , viewing the paintings . There were a wide variety of styles . Most of the paintings featured bears in different places . Some of the bears were realistic and others were abstract . A few of the paintings featured only color and form and no bears or humans or giants . One of those paintings looked very geometric and fascinating . One side of the painting was all primary colors ( red , yellow , and blue ) , and the other side of the painting was all secondary colors ( orange , purple , and green ) . Beartrand took a look at the artist 's statement . " In art school , I spent a lot of time making color wheels , as do all art students . I learned that colors are connected to each other and that the world is full of color . Art is about color and shape . And , because color and shape are life , art is life . Without art , the world would not know joy . Our world would be less colorful and more dull . I am so fortunate that I can share this vision with the world through my painting . Therefore , I have named this painting ' A World of Color , A World of Life . ' As you go about your life in the beautiful Land of Bears , I hope that you will always notice the colors of the world . ' " Beartrand Bear went to the studio to finish reporting on the evening 's event . He was happy and ready to hibernate . Friday 's episode : The Bears hibernate . There will be a surprise waiting for you on Friday . Tomorrow , I will take a break to share the painting that I will do at Stella Niagara at my art class there . Notes about today 's painting : Piet Mondrian ( 1872 - 1944 ) contributed to a movement called De Stijl , which is a Dutch term , meaning " the style . " Another name for De Stijl is " neoplasticism . " The style is nonrepresentational and abstract . It is focused on geometric shPosted by Synopsis of yesterday 's story : Beartrand Bear went to the opening reception of the Modern Art Bear show . He interviewed Bearnabus Bear , the owner of the gallery . He was surprised by Bearnacle Bear , who invited him to join the next sea voyage , to begin after the bears wake from their hibernation . They were going to visit the Land of the Giants . Beartrand wondered when Sweet Suzie Bear would be ready for an interview but , in the meantime , there was food to eat and conversations to be had . Bearbara , the opera singer , pushed through the crowd to talk to Beartrand . She always liked hearing her voice on the radio and she looked disappointed that he had put his microphone away . He realized that she would like to be interviewed so he took his microphone out of its case and pointed it at Bearbara 's face . Her face lit up because she truly thrived on attention . " Bearbara , what motivated you to come to the opening of the Modern Art Bear show ? " " Oh , I just love modern art , almost as much as opera ! The two go together sort of like peanut butter and jelly . " " Peanut butter and jelly ? " asked Beartrand , surveying the table full of food . He suddenly realized that he was holding a microphone but no plate . He picked up a plate and tried to put food on it but failed because he did not have a free hand . Bearbara did collect brie cheese , Camembert , crackers , melon balls , grapes , and strawberries . She began eating delicately , trying not to crunch while she was being interviewed . " Oh yes , peanut butter and jelly . Soup and crackers . You know . Things that go together . Anyway , I thought that I would meet people and talk to the media and do all of those fun things . " Suddenly bored with the interview , Bearbara abruptly walked away . Beartrand turned off the microphone . He filled a plate with food and started eating . He was hungry and knew that it was time to fatten up before he began his hibernation cycle . Just as Beartrand took a taste of the brie cheese , up walked Sweet Suzie Bear . " Would you like to come to my office ? I have time to do the interviePosted by Synopsis of Friday 's story : Beartrand Bear tried to interview Sweet Suzie Bear but was foiled once again . The first time , he was foiled by the presence of a school group . This time , he was foiled by a caterer who came to discuss the menu for that evening 's reception . Beartrand Bear brought his handy dandy microphone to the reception at the Art Museum . He could tell that Sweet Suzie Bear was easily distracted and that doing the interview with her was going to be more challenging that he had anticipated . A line had formed outside of the Art Museum . The bears and even a few humans were dressed up and were ready for an evening that involved food and fundraisers . A tall bear stood near the door . Beartrand Bear recognized the tall bear as Bearnabus , the owner of the art gallery . " Would you like to talk to my listeners about the Art Museum ? " asked Beartrand breathlessly as he waved the microphone as close to Bearnabus ' face as he could . Since Beartrand was a rather short bear , he couldn 't reach the microphone to Bearnabus ' face . Bearnabus took the microphone and held it to his face . " Of course . I am always happy to talk about my Art Museum . It is a real treasure in Bear Land . Even the humans who come from the Land of the Humans and the giants who come from the Land of the Giants like visiting our Art Museum and seeing the creativity of our artistic Bears . I would also like to mention that everyone is welcome to donate to the museum so that we can have more exhibits like the Modern Art Bear show . " " When can people come visit the show and how do they make donations to the museum ? " " The museum is open Tuesdays through Saturdays from ten o ' clock in the morning until seven o ' clock in the evening for the next two weeks , which is when we go into our hibernation cycle . As for making donations , we have cans and jars and envelopes for these donations . We also offer memberships to the museum . When you come to the museum , just ask about the membership and one of our helpful staff will be happy to assist you . " " Thank you very much , " said B " As a student at the art academy in the Land of the Humans , I met a family of giants . One giant , named Tina , asked if she could pose for a photograph with me . She wanted the photograph to be done in the wild forest , so we went out to an area with big leaves and giant trees . After the photography session , I used the photograph of Tina and me as the basis of a painting . When Tina isn 't posing for photographs , she is an opera singer and vocal coach . " " Hey Beartrand , " Bearnacle Bear announced without even bother to say " hello " or " how are you " or any of the things that were said at the beginnings of conversations . " We are going on a sea voyage to the Land of the Giants and we want you to come with us so that your listeners can hear the giants stories . There is a special giant that everyone calls the Little Giant . All of the stories are about the Little Giant . Will you come with us ? " Beartrand was so startled at the invitation that he almost forgot to respond and he almost forgot that he had a live microphone in his paw . " Um , er . Yes . Oh ! The microphone . Listeners ! I am going to have an adventure and I will share it with you . " Beartrand turned off the microphone and stopped taping . " When do we leave ? " " Three days after we finish hibernating . " And with that , Bearnacle and his first mate ran over to see Sweet Suzie Bear . Beartrand wondered when Sweet Suzie Bear would be ready for an interview but , in the mean time , there was food to eat and conversations to be had . . . Tomorrow : The reception continues . Notes about today 's painting : " Self Portrait with Monkey , " painted in 1938 , was one of many self portraits painted by Frida Kahlo , a Mexican artist who was married to Diego Rivera , a famous muralist . Frida Kahlo ( 1907 - 1954 ) painted many self portraits . Her artwork was described at various times as naive or primitive or as surrealistic . Frida Kahlo disagreed with the surrealistic label and said that her paintings represented reality , rather than dreams . " So sorry , " said Sweet Suzie Bear . " I do have to take care of this . Will you come to the event tonight ? There will be delicious food and loads of nectar , and we can do the interview then . Why don 't you invite your listeners ? The event is open to the public . " Sweet Suzie Bear and her assistant left , and Beartrand walked over to the painting titled " A Bear Screams . " He wondered what the artist was thinking and what the bear in the painting was screaming and covering his ears . Beartrand remembered a time when he was screaming and covering his ears . It turned out that he had an ear infection and his ears were ringing for about three weeks after he went to the Bear Clinic . He was just a bear cub at the time and his mama bear poured all sorts of smelly stuff in his ears so that they would stop hurting . It was winter , and he was happy when it was time to hibernate . After he woke up , his ears did not hurt anymore . " What is the difference between a bear singing and a bear screaming ? Visually , maybe not too much . Either way , the bear is trying to get out a message that is probably urgent so the bear is using unusual methods of communication . Notes about today 's painting : Edvard Munch 's " The Scream " was painted four times , between the years 1893 and 1910 . Two of these were done in pastel and two were painted , probably in oils . Edvard Munch ( 1863 - 1944 ) was Norwegian , and the styles that he was known best for included expressionism and symbolism . " The Scream " is considered to be an autobiographical painting . For more information about this fascinating painting , take a look at this webpage : The Scream ! Beartrand Bear woke up early in the morning . He was excited about going to the art museum and reporting on site about the newest art exhibit . He had made an appointment to have the art museum 's curator , Sweet Suzie Bear , tell him about several paintings that were being featured in the exhibit . After a delicious breakfast of bread and jam and tea , Beartrand Bear set off for the art museum . It was a cold day . Beartrand wondered why he hadn 't started hibernating yet but he figured that a good hibernation could wait until after the art museum visit . When Beartrand Bear , carrying his handy dandy microphone and recording device , arrived at the art museum , he saw Sweet Suzie Bear surrounded by a group of bear cubs and their teacher . Sweet Suzie Bear called Beartrand Bear over . " I 'm giving this class a tour of the museum , and you are welcome to join us , " Sweet Suzie Bear said . The group immediately went to the stairs and climbed up one flight , where the new exhibit was being displayed . A colorful sign was on the door . It read , " Bears in Modern Art : A Retrospective . " " Does anyone know what the word ' restrospective ' means ? " asked Sweet Suzie Bear . No one did . The students , the teacher , and Beartrand did not know the meaning of the word " retrospective . " " Well , usually , the word is used to describe looking back at the career of one artist . What has that artist done in the past and how did the artist 's work change over time ? At our museum , we are using that word a little differently . We are looking at a subject , which is Bears in Modern Art and how bears have been depicted in paintings . Does anyone have any questions before we go look at a painting ? " " What is modern art ? " " Are the paintings big or little ? " " Where is the bathroom ? " Sweet Suzie Bear answered all of the questions . She said , " What is modern art is a very good question ? Does anyone have an idea ? " " It is art that is not ancient , like cave art , " said one small bear cub . " That is a very good answer , " said Sweet Suzie Bear . " There is a little bit more . Modern artists create new aAlice Gerard Synopsis of yesterday 's episode : Bearnacle Bear and the crew are welcomed to the Land of the Humans when they bring George and Little George home . Bearnacle is even given the key to the city by the mayor . After a week of new friendships , it is time for the ship to return to the Land of the Bears . We had a tearful goodbye with our human friends and we got into our ship and sailed away . A few days later , we returned home . It felt good to see our own coastline . We had been gone for a long time . My parents looked older than I remembered them . Their faces looked tired , but happy . We ate the best foods and drank our fill of nectar . We were serenaded by the Bearish Chorus , made of bears of all ages . It was a delight to hear all of the Bear music . We all sang the Bear Anthem together . Late at night , I walked alone to the coast . I wanted to see the sea . It would be a while before I would go on another journey of exploration . For now , I was going to heal and enjoy home and family . The sea monster and the mermaid were just off the coast , floating gracefully in the calm sea . The sea looked like a sheet of glass , reflecting the full moon . The mermaid sang : Sun and moon and starsshine beautifully for youthey will never leave . A cold wind blows throughand old leaves fly from the treesthey are swept away . The snow flies sidewaysunderneath dark cloudy skiesof frozen winter . Crocuses pop outwith pastel colors and lightWorld being reborn . The sea monster added , " We are never far . You can see us when you venture forth again . We 'll just say so long but never good bye . " And with a swish of the tails , both the sea monster and the mermaid were gone . Later , I told my friends about the sea monster and the mermaid and her songs but all assured me that I had probably enjoyed too much nectar . Back in the radio station : Beartrand Bear said , " Well , that was one heck of a tale . Thank you so much . That suggestion of nectar was a good one . How about if I treat you to a glass or two ? " " OK , " said Bearnacle Bear . " But I want to tell you one last thing before we sPosted by Synopsis of yesterday 's episode : Bearnacle Bear and crew set off in their newly built ship . It was an uneventful trip until a struggling sailboat appeared close by . The occupants were humans : a father and a son . The father had been a jailer in the prison where Bearnacle Bear was kept until he escaped . Bearnacle and George ( the human ) were able to settle their differences . The ship set off to take George and Little George home . When we arrived at that coast that I remembered from my nightmares , an amazing and unusual sight greeted us . Humans were on the shore . They held up signs reading , " Welcome Bear Ship ! " and the trees were decorated with balloons and streamers . The mayor of the nearby city welcomed us as we disembarked . " Welcome Bears , " said the mayor . " We are so happy that you have come to visit our land . We are also so happy that you brought our fisherman and his son back to his home . Bearnacle Bear , you have suffered far too much at the hands of our people . We apologize for that , and we want you to know that no bear from your land will ever suffer like that again . " We are so grateful that your ship brought our fisherman back . Therefore , I am offering you a key to the city . May your visit be joyful , and may our friendship last a long time . " The key to the city , attached to a beautiful handmade chain , was placed around my neck . Immediately , I was surrounded by a crowd of humans and of bears . I received and gave many hugs within the space of a few minutes . The ceremony was followed by a delicious meal , held at a hall in the city . The hall was decorated with colorful balloons and streamers . We ate zucchini , tomatoes , green beans , brown rice , portabella mushrooms , shittake mushrooms , a variety of fish dishes , and cornbread . We drank apple cider . We had the most delicate and sweetest cookies for dessert . After the meal , we were offered a tour of the humans ' city . My first mate and his wife ( our navigator ) and their little daughter , Sweet Suzie Bear , went off to the art gallery . The rest of us went to the concert hall to hear a performance of some of the humans ' best classical music . We heard piano music by Frederic Chopin , Ludwig van Beethoven , and Wolfgang Mozart and many others . After the pianist stopped playing , one of the bear cubs climbed on the piano and sat there until her picture was taken . We stayed with the humans for a week . We all stayed with host families , and we made friends that will last a lifetime . My host was George , his wife Sandra , and their son Little George . George told me that he had felt so bad about the way that he treated me at the prison that he quit his job as a jailer and became a fisherman . He is training his son to be kind to all living creatures . During the week that we stayed with the humans , little Sweet Suzie Bear became enamored with the art museum . She went to a few of the free art classes offered by the art museum and she decided that she wanted to come back to the Land of the Humans when she grew up so that she could go to the Art Academy . The head of the Art Academy assured her that her place in the school would wait for her and that she would always be welcome . Synopsis of Saturday 's episode : Bearnacle Bear delights in his reunion with his crew and in watching the antics of the bear cubs who were born in his absence . The bears build a new ship and they set off for home . Within a few weeks , the ship was built , and it was time to set off for home . Even though I knew that the time had come to leave this island that had healing herbs growing wild , I felt sad . All of us had grown contented in our stay here . We moved our possessions into the ship , and we pulled up the anchor and we were off . Sailing back home was much less eventful than our journey from our homeland . There were no storms , no sirens , and no one fell out of the ship . We worked together quietly and the bear cubs enjoyed running around the ship . Everything was new to them , and it was fun watching them discover all of the nooks and crannies in a ship . One of the bear cubs discovered a giant bottle . One of our crew members found that bottle when he visited the Land of the Giants shortly after we were shipwrecked . The Giants were very hospitable , the crew member reported . They gave him the bottle as a gift so that he would always remember the Land of the Giants . I had heard about the Land of the Giants but I never believed that it was real . I always thought that it was a legend . We were getting closer to home and our journey was still quiet . One day , we spotted a small fishing boat that was drifting in the sea . We wondered what was wrong and we pulled up to that boat . The first mate helped the occupants of that boat onto our ship . They were soaking wet and they were a man and a boy . Humans . The anger that I felt toward humans suddenly rose to the surface . I looked at the man and the boy with hatred in my heart . Suddenly , I remembered who the man was . He was one of my jailers who had tormented me for however long I had spent in the humans ' prison . He had told me that I was a worthless creature and a terrorist . Soon , I would be in the zoo and the humans would point and laugh . My time in prison was very long . The sun shone bPosted by Synopsis of yesterday 's episode : Bearnacle Bear is reunited with his crew . They are living in a cave . He doesn 't know how long they have been there and how they got there . When he sees that there are bear cubs in the cave , Bearnacle Bear realizes that he may have been a prisoner of the humans for longer than he realized . Bearnacle Bear feels anger and hatred against the humans for having treated him so badly . The bears had a giant feast to celebrate the return of their captain . After that , I slept soundly for many hours . When I awoke , I saw another painting in the cave . It had more detail and brighter colors than the paintings near the entrance to the cave . In this part of the cave , the sunlight never penetrated . There were lanterns all over to give illumination to a dark place . I sat up slowly . Every bone in my body hurt . I had not relaxed in many months , ever since the ship crashed on the shore of the land of the humans . All of the pain of two crashes and of being held captive filled my body . I sat slowly and then fell back onto the soft bed that the first mate had made for me . I could barely move . The ship 's cook brought me a light broth . I looked at it and at the cook . I did not want anything . My crew was marooned , and it was my fault . The cook , however , would not take no for an answer . If I didn 't want the cook to keep staring at me , I had to eat the broth . It was delicious . It had a beautiful aroma , of fresh herbs that had been gathered that morning . Small pieces of herbs floated on the top . The broth tasted of springtime and of green fields and of better days to come . And there would be better days to come . In the weeks following , my strength returned . I got to know my crew again and to delight in the cubs that had been born when we were separated . Their antics delighted me . I went with the cook to gather the herbs for the soups and stews that we were to eat . We all sang in the morning and danced in the evening . One day , I watched the sun rise , and I knew that it was time to go home . It was time to gather the matePosted by Synopsis of the last episode : Bearnacle Bear was led by the sea monster to the other side of the island , where he discovered his first mate alive and well . " Bearnacle ! Come with me ! You will love it here ! " the first mate exclaimed . He did tend to speak in dramatic exclamations . I wondered if I was dead and experiencing some sort of afterlife . After all , the seasick sailor could not have survived falling into the swirling sea . Or could he ? " You fell into the sea during a tempest , " I said , as we walked into the cave . The cave walls were decorated with faded paintings that I could barely make out . The colors were mainly light browns and yellows and reds . I thought that there had been blues and greens and purples at one point , but these colors were gone . The paintings must have been very old . I wondered who the artist was . I spent so much time looking at and trying to understand the paintings that I did not hear anything that the first mate said . I decided that , since his words did not penetrate my ears , he was probably a ghost . " Are you a ghost ? " I asked . " Oh no . I am as real as you are , " the first mate said happily . I thought that he was going to break into song . In a musical play , this would be a good spot for someone to sing a heartfelt solo about the beauty of caves . But no . He didn 't sing . The first mate actually had a lovely singing voice , just like his uncle , the famous Luke ( " Lucky " ) Bearvarotti . All of the lady bears were in love with the magnificent tenor voice of my uncle and , when he died , they were heartbroken . There was much weeping and wailing at Lucky 's funeral , which was done in silence because Lucky 's children fought with the quartet that was supposed to sing at the funeral . They all stomped out of the church in disgust and said that no one was to speak to them like that . But that was a long time ago , when I myself was a mere cub . The first mate told me that the paintings were made by the ancestors of the humans . I could feel the hair standing on end all over my body . I hated the humans for what they did Posted by Synopsis of yesterday 's episode : Bearnacle Bear was on an island , alone . He had to search for food and he didn 't know where he would sleep . He was , however , grateful to have survived the storm that left him once again shipwrecked . I walked to the other side of the island . Everything was green and aromatic there . I had washed up on the rocky side of the island . On this side of the island , there were birch trees , maple trees , ash trees , tulip trees , oaks , and sycamores . There were also white pine trees and cedars . The trees formed a canopy over my head . I then came upon orchards of apples and pears and peaches . And then , I heard a voice . It was coming from the water . But it didn 't sound like the mermaid . The voice was stronger and louder than the delicate singing voice of the mermaid . I walked to the shore and I saw a sea monster rising from the water . The sea monster was green and blue and seaweed fell of its back . It was the hugest sea creature that I had ever seen in all of my years as a sailor . I shook with terror , afraid that he would swamp the entire island and that I would drown alone and forgotten by all beardom . Had I escaped from the humans ' prison , just to endure a watery grave at the hands ? flippers ? tail ? of a giant sea monster ? " Be not afraid , " bellowed the large creature , larger than any whale that I had ever seen . " I can help you find your way to a better place . You are lost now . You cannot find your way back to where you came from . " How did he ? she ? it ? know that I was lost ? " You doubt me , " said the sea monster . " You think me malevolent . " " Yes , " I said . " I am afraid . " I rarely admitted to being afraid so it surprised me that I would do so now . I came from a family of bears who would never admit to fear . We were actors and adventurers and sea captains . I was descended from the famous Jean Bearymore , who performed on stage and in film . The sea monster said that he would send someone to me who would ease my fears . He told me to look at the hills , but I didn 't understand what that meant so I didn 't move . The sea monster repeated his request . I looked away from the sea monster , and no huge wall of water hit me so I understood that I did not have to be suspicious of the sea monster . Walking toward me was my first mate , the seasick sailor whPosted by Synopsis of yesterday 's episode : After escaping from the humans ' prison and after fleeing their land in a boat that was not seaworthy , Bearnacle Bear endured yet another storm . He landed on an island and , there , was serenaded by a mermaid . Her song gave him hope that his crew survived the storm . I walked on shore , soaking wet after the terrible storm , and went to seek shelter . I was relieved to be away from the humans and their prison so , even if I was on a tiny island far from home , I was happy . I was , however , gripped by hunger . I found a tree and picked a few apples . After walking a little ways , I found a berry patch and picked blackberries and raspberries . It all tasted good , and I felt better . Sitting near a cave and eating was good , but lonely . I missed my family and my friends and my crew . Images of having taken my little sister to the park to see the sculptures and to enjoy a delicious picnic filled my head . Now I was far away from everyone whom I love . But I had always known that being shipwrecked was a risk for a sailor , and I loved being a sailor . Although I was lonely , I was safe . Safe from the humans , who held me captive and who threatened to kill me when they first found me on their shore . They said that their shore was protected because pirates had attacked and had stolen from them and had killed their leaders . I said that I was shipwrecked and that it was an accident but they said that I was lying and that I was probably a terrorist because I looked like a bear . When I told them that I looked like a bear because I was a bear , they said that they would put me in prison and would then put me in a zoo , where I would spend the rest of my days , far from the sea and far from my home . The humans were strange creatures . The sirens were frightening creatures , maybe even scarier than the humans . It was because of the sirens that my big ship crashed and was lost . The poor bear who was to watch at night had not been warned that the sirens would lead him astray with their beautiful song . It was truly the song of doom . I ate my berries and my apples and I wondered where my crew could be . I was sure that they lived . I wandered back to the shore . It was getting dark , and I had not found shelter . Would it rain ? Would I be exposed to the elements ? The mermaid swam toward me and , as if she could read my mind , she answered my questions . " Go to the other side of the island . You 'll find everything you need there . " I walked to the other side of the island . Everything was green and aromatic there . I had washed up on the rocky side of the island . On this side of the island , there were birch trees , maple trees , ash trees , tulip trees , oaks , and sycamores . There were also white pine trees and cedars . The trees formed a canopAlice Gerard Synopsis of yesterday 's episode : Bearnacle Bear had been imprisoned in the land of the humans . Although he became friends with some of the prisoners , being captive was very difficult and Bearnacle Bear 's spirit nearly broke . With a little assistance from folks who wished to remain anonymous , Bearnacle Bear was able to escape the prison and the land of the humans . He set off in a small boat but nearly perished in yet another storm . He washed up on a small island and thought that he had gone mad . I was on a small island that seemed uninhabited . I couldn 't see much because it was raining and hailing so hard . But , at that moment , I looked out to sea and saw a female form . I was sure that she was a mermaid . Crashing waves spray venom over the landA siren 's song leads a tall ship astrayTerrified sailors flee in tiny boatsThe swirling sea always claims its victims . Years later , a siren 's song is sounded . A lone sailor drawn by the deadly songThe swirling sea could engulf the whole shipbut the sailor steers into night time fears . A lone sailor drawn by the siren 's song , to the beautiful melody of doom . . . The sailor steers into his nighttime fears , the stark blackness of a watery grave . To the beautiful melody of doom , sailors frantic to flee the sinking ship . The stark blackness of a watery gravecould be their fate , but they are rendered blind . Sailors frantic to flee the sinking shipjoin the sailors of other times and ships . Could it be their fate to be rendered blind , trapped under the sea , unaware of time ? Joining sailors of other times and shipsthese sailors were still staring at beauty . Trapped under the sea , unaware of time , they forgot their homes , families , and ship . These sailors were still staring at beautybut the lovely ones were an illusion . Forgetting their homes , families , and ship , they lived in twilight , their memory gone . . . The song suddenly stopped . Was it the tale of my crew ? Did they survive the storm ? Where are they ? Did the mermaid know ? I watched the mermaid , waiting for her . . . no , hoping for her to come to speak to me or to sing more of her song . I walked on shore , soaking wet after the terrible storm , and went to seek shelter . I was relieved to be away from the humans and their prison so , even if I was on a tiny island far from home , I was happy . I was , however , gripped by hunger . I found a tree and . . . ( to be continued tomorrow ) Alice is a freelance writer / photographer / artist / master gardener . She is currently participating in a 52 week photography challenge , organized by Dogwood Photography . You can follow alice on twitter ; her handle is @ alicesbears |
Continuation of Sweet Suzie Bear 's journal : As Jack , the Little Giant , told his story , I saw that some of the bears were having fun with the large dishes and utensils in the banquet hall . They climbed into teacups and posed for pictures . They tried manipulating spoons and forks , and they all looked very silly . That was a fun time . Sitting on the ground underneath a tree was delightful . We heard the story of the Big Giant as we sat underneath the tree . It was a huge tree . I 'm not sure of what kind of tree it is , but I think that it is an ash tree . A mountain ash , maybe . My name is Bobby Allen . I 've been wandering this land for many years . Even among the giants , I am big . There are stories that I eat the tops of trees as if they were broccoli , but that isn 't true . Tree bark isn 't especially tasty , even after soaking in a marinade for a week . I eat regular food , like the other giants , just more of it . I spend a lot of time walking in the forests during the winter , when the trees are naked and the squirrels have fled . I step on the snow and it squeaks beneath my feet . The forest is where I go for quiet . There is a woman who lives in a small house in the forest . She is a human and not a giant , and she left the Land of the Humans many years ago because she wanted to live in the forest . She built her house from the fallen trees and she collects the apples that grow and she collects the berries and the nuts and the garlic that grows wild and the dandelions when they are young and she makes soups and she cans the fruits and so , she has more than enough to eat year round . The woman 's name is Adelise . She plays the flute in the forest . The animals listen to her play , and they dance . I had heard about Adelise playing the flute for the animals but , until I saw her and heard her play the flute , I could scarcely believe it . I 've never heard flute playing like that . Adelise could coax the plants from the ground and she made the squirrels dance up and down the trees . But there was someone who didn 't really like hearing the flute . He was a man named Oscar . He was either a very tall human or a very little giant . I don 't know which . He was extremely grumpy . He went to live in the forest to get away from people because he said that he didn 't like them . I saw him a few times when I visited the forest . He never bothered me much because I am such an enormous giant but he wasn 't very nice to Adelise . One day , Oscar stole Adelise 's flute so that she could not play any more . Adelise was so sad that her flute was gone that she didn 't do anything . She stopped taking care of her food and she didn 't sweep her little house . She didn 't go outside to visit the animals or to find water in the brook . The squirrels stopped dancing up and down the trees . Oscar took the flute back to the cave where he was living . It was a small cave and very damp and kind of cold . Maybe that 's why he got to be so grumpy . Oscar put the flute in a box filled with stuff that he stole from people in the city and people in the countryside . Oscar tried to play with the stuff . He pulled a yo yo from the box and played with that . He played with a deck of cards that was three cards short of a full deck . He played with some old seashells . He clanged the cymbals together with so much force that all of the animals outside of the cave scurried away . As Oscar was playing the the stuff , his attitude changed . He played and played and played and he realized that it was fun to play with stuff and , maybe , it might be fun to play with friends . Oscar began to sing the songs of the forest . Adelise played the flute . The animals came to listen to the music of the forest . One day , Oscar was not there anymore . Adelise looked for him , day after day . She walked away from her little house in the forest . She walked across fields and she climbed hills and she got into a canoe and paddled across a lake , but she could not find Oscar . So she returned to her little house in the forest . The animals welcomed her . It was dark . The animals told her that the sun forgot to rise because she didn 't play the flute . Someday , they said , Oscar would come back for her . I met Adelise after Oscar had gone away . She asked me to share her story , and , so , I have . It is the story of how the little human and the big giant became friends , even though no one believed that little humans and very big giants could be friends . Synopsis of yesterday 's episode : George Junior talks about his life and his experiences and how he decided to become a cook . From Sweet Suzie Bear 's Journal : We have arrived at the Land of the Giants . George Junior and I hopped off the ship together . We spent a lot of time chatting during the voyage and have become good friends . My dad said that he was happy about that because he needed to attend to Beartrand . My dad didn 't want me to be alone and I 'm not alone because I have my friend . Beartrand has not been well . He is the most seasick bear that I 've ever seen , and I 've seen a lot of seasick bears , including my dad , so that 's saying a lot . Anyway , George Junior and I were both excited about being in the Land of the Giants . I brought a camera so that I could take pictures of everything being large . We went to a tea house so that we could have some tea and scones before the evening 's welcome and story telling session . . . and the tea cups and pots were so big ! We were served our tea in a child 's tea party set . It really was funny . Of course , we had to be photographed with the giant tea things . I 'll share another funny tea picture tomorrow . And so , the giants served us a delicious dinner , with soup and stew and salad and something very chocolatey . George Junior knew what it was . He said that it was a moose . I am sure that I have never seen a chocolate moose but he insisted that it was a moose . Hmm . He is a silly goose . . . I mean human . Then , it was time for story telling . The Giants are well known for their ability to spin a yarn and it is hard to tell if it is a true story or just fiction . Here is the story that I heard , as best as I can recall . My name is Jack , and I am a Little Giant . Everyone thinks that all giants are big but that is not true . Some giants are bigger than others and others are littler than others . I am one of the littler giants . When I was a very little giant , I climbed a beanstalk . I always loved beans and the very best beans were on the top of the beanstalk . My mom read to me a story about Jack , who Personal Note : When I was a little girl , my father used to tell stories of a little giant to my sisters and to me . Apparently , he made them up as he went along . None of the stories were written , so we don 't have any record of the stories . I was very young when he told the stories so I don 't remember them . But , in the spirit of inventing stories , as my dad did , I am making up new Little Giant stories . I dedicate this and all other stories about giants , large or small , to the memory of my father , Roy Gerard ( 1920 - 2012 ) . Thank you , Pop , for giving me the love of storytelling . I will love you forever . Synopsis of yesterday 's episode : The sea voyage continues . Sweet Suzie Bear describes life on the sea in her journal . She enjoys swimming with dolphins and she wonders at the flying fish that are attracted to the ship 's lights . From the journal of George Junior : When I was ten years old , my dad and I got lost at sea and were rescued by Bearnacle Bear . My dad had just started working as a fisherman and he wasn 't very good at steering his boat . So we got lost and we drifted aimlessly until the bears rescued us . It was an amazing experience because my dad was a prison guard and Bearnacle had been kept in the prison for , I think , two years . My dad said that he was very mean when he was a prison guard . After Bearnacle ran away , my dad understood that he had treated Bearnacle and others badly . He said that he did not like the person whom he became and he tried to change himself so that he could share kindness with others . He learned how to catch fish so that people could eat and be well fed . My dad talked about " paying it forward , " but I never really understood . I think that it means that , if someone does you a favor , you do the same favor for a third person , preferably someone who doesn 't expect it . Anyway , my dad and Bearnacle ended up by becoming good friends . After Bearnacle brought us safely back home , he stayed with our family for about a week . He told us story after story about the sea , and my dad was happy that he had become a fisherman . Being on the bears ' ship after we were rescued was a real adventure for me . I was so happy to be there . I got to see every part of the ship . My favorite part was the galley , where all of the food was made . I was permitted to help prepare the food . That experience changed my life . Until then , I never thought of anything besides skipping rocks on the water and throwing snowballs and chasing my cousin through the house . After that , I thought about food . I thought about cooking food and baking food and I became a cook , sometimes in a restaurant and sometimes in ships . My dad and I werPosted by Synopsis of yesterday 's episode : The Bears came out of hibernation . Bearnacle Bear set sail , with Beartrand the radio announcer bear and Sweet Suzie Bear . Beartrand was quite seasick but he managed to cope and his talents as an announcer were very much in demand during social events . Sweet Suzie Bear was more adjusted to ship travel , as she was born during Bearnacle 's first journey and , as a result , had her first sea journey when she was very young . An excerpt from Sweet Suzie Bear : We are getting closer to the Land of the Giants . I had been there when I was a little cub but I barely remember anything , except that the Giants were indeed very large . I am looking forward to meeting them . I have been told that they are the best story tellers in the world and that they have a whole series of stories about a Little Giant . I am looking forward to hearing the stories . The trip has been beautiful and quite delightful . Bearnacle is a great captain . He is happy to be at sea and he really knows everything about the ship . Anytime I have a question , he takes the time to give me a complete answer . Like I wanted to know about the flying fish that come out when the lights are shining from the ship at night . It was amazing to watch the flying fish jump up to four feet out of the water and then go back in again . They come in large schools of fish and they jump as a group and , wow , that is amazing . One of these days , I might paint a picture of flying fish jumping as a group . I played a little bit with mixed media but , mostly , I just watched the water . Yesterday , we got treated to a show of dolphins leaping and dancing near the starboard side of the ship . A few crew members got into a life boat and jumped into the sea from that . They danced with the dolphins in the water . I watched for a while and then one of the crew members invited me to come dance with the dolphins , too , so I did . The water felt cold at first but it didn 't take long for me to get used to it . I swam with the dolphins and , oh , there is nothing like it . What a treat ! I will never forget swimming with the dolphins ! It was one of the most joyous experiences that I 've ever had . Tomorrow , we will arrive at the Land of the Giants . Bye for now ! love , Sweet Suzie Bear Synopsis of Friday 's episode : The bears went into hibernation amidst the snow and wind and coldness of winter . When the bears awoke from hibernating , soft little leaves had sprouted from their buds and the trees were covered with flowers . It was time for Bearnacle Bear to take another voyage with his crew . He had some guests who were coming along for the trip to visit the Land of the Giants . The guests were the human fishermen George and George Junior , the radio station announcer Beartrand , and the artist Sweet Suzie Bear . An entry from the diary of Beartrand , the radio station bear : It has been four days since we left our homeland . Before we left , there was a big parade to celebrate our sea journey . Very few bears have ever visited the Land of the Giants . We only know about the Land of the Giants because of the shipwreck that Bearnacle experienced while on his first voyage as a captain . I remember when I first met Bearnacle . It was shortly before I interviewed him . I had no idea that he was a sea captain . I even thought that Bearnacle regularly stowed away on ships and that he was a petty crook . Well , nothing could be further from the truth , although , as it turned out , Bearnacle did stow away on a ship when he was a cub and he didn 't want to go to school . So he wandered away from school one day and he saw a ship in the harbor with the gangplank down . He wanted to look at the ship and he walked up the gangplank and started poking around below deck . Before he could get off the ship and go home , the ship departed with Bearnacle on it ! The ship 's crew treated him like a mascot and , after that , Bearnacle decided to be a ship 's captain . When he returned home after a short sea voyage , Bearnacle 's parents were mad and his teachers were mad and his brothers were jealous ! Well , anyway , I never got to have such an adventure when I was a cub so I suppose that I should be jealous , too . But no . I don 't think so . I 'm happy with the path that I took . I always wanted to be a radio announcer . I loved all of the new music and I sang iPosted by Hibernation : Hibernation in bears lasts up to seven months . Bears do not eat , drink , pee , or poop when they are hibernating . Hibernation is almost like being in suspended animation or stasis . Bears will go into hibernation when the weather becomes cold and , when spring begins , the bears come out of hibernation . The bears hibernate because , in the winter , their favorite foods ( nuts and berries ) become difficult to obtain . Bears survive on their stored fat . Shortly before hibernation time , bears eat massive quantities of food , building up fat in their bodies . The bears ' heartbeat becomes extremely slow , about ten beats per minute , and the bears ' body temperature drops dramatically . During hibernation , bears can lose anywhere from fifteen to forty percent of their body weight . Bearnacle Bear , Bertrand , Sweet Suzie Bear , and all of the other bears have gone into hibernation . Hibernation Haiku : snow falls on oak trees , covering branches with white . Time for bears to sleep . Naked trees stand tallall the fruit has been picked cleannothing left to eat . A dark den awaitsas bears sleepily crawl inhibernation time . The sun sets earlyand stars glitter in the nightearth 's beauty is cold . Sleep well , little bear , may your dreams be beautifulin your long , long sleep . Monday 's tale : The bears wake from their hibernation , and Bearnacle Bears and friends begin their voyage to the Land of the Giants . Today , I went to Stella Niagara , in Lewiston , New York , for a painting class . Normally , I go twice a month to this class . Two weeks ago , the class was canceled , due to terrible weather . It was snowing sideways , creating whiteout conditions , so I was happy to stay at home and paint a bear . Today , it was relatively warm and it was sunny , so I went to paint at Stella Niagara . The theme of the class was flowers done in a Chinese style . We had to adapt the lesson because we didn 't really have the proper tools to make the painting look Chinese . The main tool that we were lacking was a very soft paintbrush . Our instructor , Virginia , told us that we would find the paintbrushes to be difficult to handle and that we would need one class session just to learn how to manipulate the paintbrush . We will have such a lesson at some point in the spring . This morning , before I went to the class , I watched a video on the Internet that demonstrated a Chinese technique of painting flowers . It was interesting to watch . The artist used a lot of paint and a lot of water . He began to paint immediately , without making a sketch first . He spoke in Chinese , without any subtitles , so I didn 't understand a word of it , but I did enjoy watching it . Click on the video below and you can watch and listen , too , if you like . The painting at the top was the start of my painting . I used red paint and added lots and lots of water . Here , I am adding details to the flower , as well as a little yellow . I add more leaves and more detail , until I reach this point . This is when I decide that the painting is finished . One of the more challenging things for me when doing watercolor is making the decision not to paint anymore . It is very easy to overwork a watercolor painting ! And here we go ! The completed painting ! A large flower , which is really a pleasure to see in the middle of the winter . It is a type of lily . I had a load of fun making this painting . Watch the video and enjoy ! Synopsis of yesterday 's episode : Beartrand Bear enjoyed the reception and he also interviewed Sweet Suzie Bear . She let him know that she wanted to go to the Land of the Giants , along with Beartrand Bear , Bearnacle Bear , and his crew . Beartrand Bear enjoyed a wide variety of foods and he walked around the gallery , viewing the paintings . There were a wide variety of styles . Most of the paintings featured bears in different places . Some of the bears were realistic and others were abstract . A few of the paintings featured only color and form and no bears or humans or giants . One of those paintings looked very geometric and fascinating . One side of the painting was all primary colors ( red , yellow , and blue ) , and the other side of the painting was all secondary colors ( orange , purple , and green ) . Beartrand took a look at the artist 's statement . " In art school , I spent a lot of time making color wheels , as do all art students . I learned that colors are connected to each other and that the world is full of color . Art is about color and shape . And , because color and shape are life , art is life . Without art , the world would not know joy . Our world would be less colorful and more dull . I am so fortunate that I can share this vision with the world through my painting . Therefore , I have named this painting ' A World of Color , A World of Life . ' As you go about your life in the beautiful Land of Bears , I hope that you will always notice the colors of the world . ' " Beartrand Bear went to the studio to finish reporting on the evening 's event . He was happy and ready to hibernate . Friday 's episode : The Bears hibernate . There will be a surprise waiting for you on Friday . Tomorrow , I will take a break to share the painting that I will do at Stella Niagara at my art class there . Notes about today 's painting : Piet Mondrian ( 1872 - 1944 ) contributed to a movement called De Stijl , which is a Dutch term , meaning " the style . " Another name for De Stijl is " neoplasticism . " The style is nonrepresentational and abstract . It is focused on geometric shPosted by Synopsis of yesterday 's story : Beartrand Bear went to the opening reception of the Modern Art Bear show . He interviewed Bearnabus Bear , the owner of the gallery . He was surprised by Bearnacle Bear , who invited him to join the next sea voyage , to begin after the bears wake from their hibernation . They were going to visit the Land of the Giants . Beartrand wondered when Sweet Suzie Bear would be ready for an interview but , in the meantime , there was food to eat and conversations to be had . Bearbara , the opera singer , pushed through the crowd to talk to Beartrand . She always liked hearing her voice on the radio and she looked disappointed that he had put his microphone away . He realized that she would like to be interviewed so he took his microphone out of its case and pointed it at Bearbara 's face . Her face lit up because she truly thrived on attention . " Bearbara , what motivated you to come to the opening of the Modern Art Bear show ? " " Oh , I just love modern art , almost as much as opera ! The two go together sort of like peanut butter and jelly . " " Peanut butter and jelly ? " asked Beartrand , surveying the table full of food . He suddenly realized that he was holding a microphone but no plate . He picked up a plate and tried to put food on it but failed because he did not have a free hand . Bearbara did collect brie cheese , Camembert , crackers , melon balls , grapes , and strawberries . She began eating delicately , trying not to crunch while she was being interviewed . " Oh yes , peanut butter and jelly . Soup and crackers . You know . Things that go together . Anyway , I thought that I would meet people and talk to the media and do all of those fun things . " Suddenly bored with the interview , Bearbara abruptly walked away . Beartrand turned off the microphone . He filled a plate with food and started eating . He was hungry and knew that it was time to fatten up before he began his hibernation cycle . Just as Beartrand took a taste of the brie cheese , up walked Sweet Suzie Bear . " Would you like to come to my office ? I have time to do the interviePosted by Synopsis of Friday 's story : Beartrand Bear tried to interview Sweet Suzie Bear but was foiled once again . The first time , he was foiled by the presence of a school group . This time , he was foiled by a caterer who came to discuss the menu for that evening 's reception . Beartrand Bear brought his handy dandy microphone to the reception at the Art Museum . He could tell that Sweet Suzie Bear was easily distracted and that doing the interview with her was going to be more challenging that he had anticipated . A line had formed outside of the Art Museum . The bears and even a few humans were dressed up and were ready for an evening that involved food and fundraisers . A tall bear stood near the door . Beartrand Bear recognized the tall bear as Bearnabus , the owner of the art gallery . " Would you like to talk to my listeners about the Art Museum ? " asked Beartrand breathlessly as he waved the microphone as close to Bearnabus ' face as he could . Since Beartrand was a rather short bear , he couldn 't reach the microphone to Bearnabus ' face . Bearnabus took the microphone and held it to his face . " Of course . I am always happy to talk about my Art Museum . It is a real treasure in Bear Land . Even the humans who come from the Land of the Humans and the giants who come from the Land of the Giants like visiting our Art Museum and seeing the creativity of our artistic Bears . I would also like to mention that everyone is welcome to donate to the museum so that we can have more exhibits like the Modern Art Bear show . " " When can people come visit the show and how do they make donations to the museum ? " " The museum is open Tuesdays through Saturdays from ten o ' clock in the morning until seven o ' clock in the evening for the next two weeks , which is when we go into our hibernation cycle . As for making donations , we have cans and jars and envelopes for these donations . We also offer memberships to the museum . When you come to the museum , just ask about the membership and one of our helpful staff will be happy to assist you . " " Thank you very much , " said B " As a student at the art academy in the Land of the Humans , I met a family of giants . One giant , named Tina , asked if she could pose for a photograph with me . She wanted the photograph to be done in the wild forest , so we went out to an area with big leaves and giant trees . After the photography session , I used the photograph of Tina and me as the basis of a painting . When Tina isn 't posing for photographs , she is an opera singer and vocal coach . " " Hey Beartrand , " Bearnacle Bear announced without even bother to say " hello " or " how are you " or any of the things that were said at the beginnings of conversations . " We are going on a sea voyage to the Land of the Giants and we want you to come with us so that your listeners can hear the giants stories . There is a special giant that everyone calls the Little Giant . All of the stories are about the Little Giant . Will you come with us ? " Beartrand was so startled at the invitation that he almost forgot to respond and he almost forgot that he had a live microphone in his paw . " Um , er . Yes . Oh ! The microphone . Listeners ! I am going to have an adventure and I will share it with you . " Beartrand turned off the microphone and stopped taping . " When do we leave ? " " Three days after we finish hibernating . " And with that , Bearnacle and his first mate ran over to see Sweet Suzie Bear . Beartrand wondered when Sweet Suzie Bear would be ready for an interview but , in the mean time , there was food to eat and conversations to be had . . . Tomorrow : The reception continues . Notes about today 's painting : " Self Portrait with Monkey , " painted in 1938 , was one of many self portraits painted by Frida Kahlo , a Mexican artist who was married to Diego Rivera , a famous muralist . Frida Kahlo ( 1907 - 1954 ) painted many self portraits . Her artwork was described at various times as naive or primitive or as surrealistic . Frida Kahlo disagreed with the surrealistic label and said that her paintings represented reality , rather than dreams . " So sorry , " said Sweet Suzie Bear . " I do have to take care of this . Will you come to the event tonight ? There will be delicious food and loads of nectar , and we can do the interview then . Why don 't you invite your listeners ? The event is open to the public . " Sweet Suzie Bear and her assistant left , and Beartrand walked over to the painting titled " A Bear Screams . " He wondered what the artist was thinking and what the bear in the painting was screaming and covering his ears . Beartrand remembered a time when he was screaming and covering his ears . It turned out that he had an ear infection and his ears were ringing for about three weeks after he went to the Bear Clinic . He was just a bear cub at the time and his mama bear poured all sorts of smelly stuff in his ears so that they would stop hurting . It was winter , and he was happy when it was time to hibernate . After he woke up , his ears did not hurt anymore . " What is the difference between a bear singing and a bear screaming ? Visually , maybe not too much . Either way , the bear is trying to get out a message that is probably urgent so the bear is using unusual methods of communication . Notes about today 's painting : Edvard Munch 's " The Scream " was painted four times , between the years 1893 and 1910 . Two of these were done in pastel and two were painted , probably in oils . Edvard Munch ( 1863 - 1944 ) was Norwegian , and the styles that he was known best for included expressionism and symbolism . " The Scream " is considered to be an autobiographical painting . For more information about this fascinating painting , take a look at this webpage : The Scream ! Beartrand Bear woke up early in the morning . He was excited about going to the art museum and reporting on site about the newest art exhibit . He had made an appointment to have the art museum 's curator , Sweet Suzie Bear , tell him about several paintings that were being featured in the exhibit . After a delicious breakfast of bread and jam and tea , Beartrand Bear set off for the art museum . It was a cold day . Beartrand wondered why he hadn 't started hibernating yet but he figured that a good hibernation could wait until after the art museum visit . When Beartrand Bear , carrying his handy dandy microphone and recording device , arrived at the art museum , he saw Sweet Suzie Bear surrounded by a group of bear cubs and their teacher . Sweet Suzie Bear called Beartrand Bear over . " I 'm giving this class a tour of the museum , and you are welcome to join us , " Sweet Suzie Bear said . The group immediately went to the stairs and climbed up one flight , where the new exhibit was being displayed . A colorful sign was on the door . It read , " Bears in Modern Art : A Retrospective . " " Does anyone know what the word ' restrospective ' means ? " asked Sweet Suzie Bear . No one did . The students , the teacher , and Beartrand did not know the meaning of the word " retrospective . " " Well , usually , the word is used to describe looking back at the career of one artist . What has that artist done in the past and how did the artist 's work change over time ? At our museum , we are using that word a little differently . We are looking at a subject , which is Bears in Modern Art and how bears have been depicted in paintings . Does anyone have any questions before we go look at a painting ? " " What is modern art ? " " Are the paintings big or little ? " " Where is the bathroom ? " Sweet Suzie Bear answered all of the questions . She said , " What is modern art is a very good question ? Does anyone have an idea ? " " It is art that is not ancient , like cave art , " said one small bear cub . " That is a very good answer , " said Sweet Suzie Bear . " There is a little bit more . Modern artists create new aAlice Gerard Synopsis of yesterday 's episode : Bearnacle Bear and the crew are welcomed to the Land of the Humans when they bring George and Little George home . Bearnacle is even given the key to the city by the mayor . After a week of new friendships , it is time for the ship to return to the Land of the Bears . We had a tearful goodbye with our human friends and we got into our ship and sailed away . A few days later , we returned home . It felt good to see our own coastline . We had been gone for a long time . My parents looked older than I remembered them . Their faces looked tired , but happy . We ate the best foods and drank our fill of nectar . We were serenaded by the Bearish Chorus , made of bears of all ages . It was a delight to hear all of the Bear music . We all sang the Bear Anthem together . Late at night , I walked alone to the coast . I wanted to see the sea . It would be a while before I would go on another journey of exploration . For now , I was going to heal and enjoy home and family . The sea monster and the mermaid were just off the coast , floating gracefully in the calm sea . The sea looked like a sheet of glass , reflecting the full moon . The mermaid sang : Sun and moon and starsshine beautifully for youthey will never leave . A cold wind blows throughand old leaves fly from the treesthey are swept away . The snow flies sidewaysunderneath dark cloudy skiesof frozen winter . Crocuses pop outwith pastel colors and lightWorld being reborn . The sea monster added , " We are never far . You can see us when you venture forth again . We 'll just say so long but never good bye . " And with a swish of the tails , both the sea monster and the mermaid were gone . Later , I told my friends about the sea monster and the mermaid and her songs but all assured me that I had probably enjoyed too much nectar . Back in the radio station : Beartrand Bear said , " Well , that was one heck of a tale . Thank you so much . That suggestion of nectar was a good one . How about if I treat you to a glass or two ? " " OK , " said Bearnacle Bear . " But I want to tell you one last thing before we sPosted by Synopsis of yesterday 's episode : Bearnacle Bear and crew set off in their newly built ship . It was an uneventful trip until a struggling sailboat appeared close by . The occupants were humans : a father and a son . The father had been a jailer in the prison where Bearnacle Bear was kept until he escaped . Bearnacle and George ( the human ) were able to settle their differences . The ship set off to take George and Little George home . When we arrived at that coast that I remembered from my nightmares , an amazing and unusual sight greeted us . Humans were on the shore . They held up signs reading , " Welcome Bear Ship ! " and the trees were decorated with balloons and streamers . The mayor of the nearby city welcomed us as we disembarked . " Welcome Bears , " said the mayor . " We are so happy that you have come to visit our land . We are also so happy that you brought our fisherman and his son back to his home . Bearnacle Bear , you have suffered far too much at the hands of our people . We apologize for that , and we want you to know that no bear from your land will ever suffer like that again . " We are so grateful that your ship brought our fisherman back . Therefore , I am offering you a key to the city . May your visit be joyful , and may our friendship last a long time . " The key to the city , attached to a beautiful handmade chain , was placed around my neck . Immediately , I was surrounded by a crowd of humans and of bears . I received and gave many hugs within the space of a few minutes . The ceremony was followed by a delicious meal , held at a hall in the city . The hall was decorated with colorful balloons and streamers . We ate zucchini , tomatoes , green beans , brown rice , portabella mushrooms , shittake mushrooms , a variety of fish dishes , and cornbread . We drank apple cider . We had the most delicate and sweetest cookies for dessert . After the meal , we were offered a tour of the humans ' city . My first mate and his wife ( our navigator ) and their little daughter , Sweet Suzie Bear , went off to the art gallery . The rest of us went to the concert hall to hear a performance of some of the humans ' best classical music . We heard piano music by Frederic Chopin , Ludwig van Beethoven , and Wolfgang Mozart and many others . After the pianist stopped playing , one of the bear cubs climbed on the piano and sat there until her picture was taken . We stayed with the humans for a week . We all stayed with host families , and we made friends that will last a lifetime . My host was George , his wife Sandra , and their son Little George . George told me that he had felt so bad about the way that he treated me at the prison that he quit his job as a jailer and became a fisherman . He is training his son to be kind to all living creatures . During the week that we stayed with the humans , little Sweet Suzie Bear became enamored with the art museum . She went to a few of the free art classes offered by the art museum and she decided that she wanted to come back to the Land of the Humans when she grew up so that she could go to the Art Academy . The head of the Art Academy assured her that her place in the school would wait for her and that she would always be welcome . Synopsis of Saturday 's episode : Bearnacle Bear delights in his reunion with his crew and in watching the antics of the bear cubs who were born in his absence . The bears build a new ship and they set off for home . Within a few weeks , the ship was built , and it was time to set off for home . Even though I knew that the time had come to leave this island that had healing herbs growing wild , I felt sad . All of us had grown contented in our stay here . We moved our possessions into the ship , and we pulled up the anchor and we were off . Sailing back home was much less eventful than our journey from our homeland . There were no storms , no sirens , and no one fell out of the ship . We worked together quietly and the bear cubs enjoyed running around the ship . Everything was new to them , and it was fun watching them discover all of the nooks and crannies in a ship . One of the bear cubs discovered a giant bottle . One of our crew members found that bottle when he visited the Land of the Giants shortly after we were shipwrecked . The Giants were very hospitable , the crew member reported . They gave him the bottle as a gift so that he would always remember the Land of the Giants . I had heard about the Land of the Giants but I never believed that it was real . I always thought that it was a legend . We were getting closer to home and our journey was still quiet . One day , we spotted a small fishing boat that was drifting in the sea . We wondered what was wrong and we pulled up to that boat . The first mate helped the occupants of that boat onto our ship . They were soaking wet and they were a man and a boy . Humans . The anger that I felt toward humans suddenly rose to the surface . I looked at the man and the boy with hatred in my heart . Suddenly , I remembered who the man was . He was one of my jailers who had tormented me for however long I had spent in the humans ' prison . He had told me that I was a worthless creature and a terrorist . Soon , I would be in the zoo and the humans would point and laugh . My time in prison was very long . The sun shone bPosted by Synopsis of yesterday 's episode : Bearnacle Bear is reunited with his crew . They are living in a cave . He doesn 't know how long they have been there and how they got there . When he sees that there are bear cubs in the cave , Bearnacle Bear realizes that he may have been a prisoner of the humans for longer than he realized . Bearnacle Bear feels anger and hatred against the humans for having treated him so badly . The bears had a giant feast to celebrate the return of their captain . After that , I slept soundly for many hours . When I awoke , I saw another painting in the cave . It had more detail and brighter colors than the paintings near the entrance to the cave . In this part of the cave , the sunlight never penetrated . There were lanterns all over to give illumination to a dark place . I sat up slowly . Every bone in my body hurt . I had not relaxed in many months , ever since the ship crashed on the shore of the land of the humans . All of the pain of two crashes and of being held captive filled my body . I sat slowly and then fell back onto the soft bed that the first mate had made for me . I could barely move . The ship 's cook brought me a light broth . I looked at it and at the cook . I did not want anything . My crew was marooned , and it was my fault . The cook , however , would not take no for an answer . If I didn 't want the cook to keep staring at me , I had to eat the broth . It was delicious . It had a beautiful aroma , of fresh herbs that had been gathered that morning . Small pieces of herbs floated on the top . The broth tasted of springtime and of green fields and of better days to come . And there would be better days to come . In the weeks following , my strength returned . I got to know my crew again and to delight in the cubs that had been born when we were separated . Their antics delighted me . I went with the cook to gather the herbs for the soups and stews that we were to eat . We all sang in the morning and danced in the evening . One day , I watched the sun rise , and I knew that it was time to go home . It was time to gather the matePosted by Synopsis of the last episode : Bearnacle Bear was led by the sea monster to the other side of the island , where he discovered his first mate alive and well . " Bearnacle ! Come with me ! You will love it here ! " the first mate exclaimed . He did tend to speak in dramatic exclamations . I wondered if I was dead and experiencing some sort of afterlife . After all , the seasick sailor could not have survived falling into the swirling sea . Or could he ? " You fell into the sea during a tempest , " I said , as we walked into the cave . The cave walls were decorated with faded paintings that I could barely make out . The colors were mainly light browns and yellows and reds . I thought that there had been blues and greens and purples at one point , but these colors were gone . The paintings must have been very old . I wondered who the artist was . I spent so much time looking at and trying to understand the paintings that I did not hear anything that the first mate said . I decided that , since his words did not penetrate my ears , he was probably a ghost . " Are you a ghost ? " I asked . " Oh no . I am as real as you are , " the first mate said happily . I thought that he was going to break into song . In a musical play , this would be a good spot for someone to sing a heartfelt solo about the beauty of caves . But no . He didn 't sing . The first mate actually had a lovely singing voice , just like his uncle , the famous Luke ( " Lucky " ) Bearvarotti . All of the lady bears were in love with the magnificent tenor voice of my uncle and , when he died , they were heartbroken . There was much weeping and wailing at Lucky 's funeral , which was done in silence because Lucky 's children fought with the quartet that was supposed to sing at the funeral . They all stomped out of the church in disgust and said that no one was to speak to them like that . But that was a long time ago , when I myself was a mere cub . The first mate told me that the paintings were made by the ancestors of the humans . I could feel the hair standing on end all over my body . I hated the humans for what they did Posted by Synopsis of yesterday 's episode : Bearnacle Bear was on an island , alone . He had to search for food and he didn 't know where he would sleep . He was , however , grateful to have survived the storm that left him once again shipwrecked . I walked to the other side of the island . Everything was green and aromatic there . I had washed up on the rocky side of the island . On this side of the island , there were birch trees , maple trees , ash trees , tulip trees , oaks , and sycamores . There were also white pine trees and cedars . The trees formed a canopy over my head . I then came upon orchards of apples and pears and peaches . And then , I heard a voice . It was coming from the water . But it didn 't sound like the mermaid . The voice was stronger and louder than the delicate singing voice of the mermaid . I walked to the shore and I saw a sea monster rising from the water . The sea monster was green and blue and seaweed fell of its back . It was the hugest sea creature that I had ever seen in all of my years as a sailor . I shook with terror , afraid that he would swamp the entire island and that I would drown alone and forgotten by all beardom . Had I escaped from the humans ' prison , just to endure a watery grave at the hands ? flippers ? tail ? of a giant sea monster ? " Be not afraid , " bellowed the large creature , larger than any whale that I had ever seen . " I can help you find your way to a better place . You are lost now . You cannot find your way back to where you came from . " How did he ? she ? it ? know that I was lost ? " You doubt me , " said the sea monster . " You think me malevolent . " " Yes , " I said . " I am afraid . " I rarely admitted to being afraid so it surprised me that I would do so now . I came from a family of bears who would never admit to fear . We were actors and adventurers and sea captains . I was descended from the famous Jean Bearymore , who performed on stage and in film . The sea monster said that he would send someone to me who would ease my fears . He told me to look at the hills , but I didn 't understand what that meant so I didn 't move . The sea monster repeated his request . I looked away from the sea monster , and no huge wall of water hit me so I understood that I did not have to be suspicious of the sea monster . Walking toward me was my first mate , the seasick sailor whPosted by Synopsis of yesterday 's episode : After escaping from the humans ' prison and after fleeing their land in a boat that was not seaworthy , Bearnacle Bear endured yet another storm . He landed on an island and , there , was serenaded by a mermaid . Her song gave him hope that his crew survived the storm . I walked on shore , soaking wet after the terrible storm , and went to seek shelter . I was relieved to be away from the humans and their prison so , even if I was on a tiny island far from home , I was happy . I was , however , gripped by hunger . I found a tree and picked a few apples . After walking a little ways , I found a berry patch and picked blackberries and raspberries . It all tasted good , and I felt better . Sitting near a cave and eating was good , but lonely . I missed my family and my friends and my crew . Images of having taken my little sister to the park to see the sculptures and to enjoy a delicious picnic filled my head . Now I was far away from everyone whom I love . But I had always known that being shipwrecked was a risk for a sailor , and I loved being a sailor . Although I was lonely , I was safe . Safe from the humans , who held me captive and who threatened to kill me when they first found me on their shore . They said that their shore was protected because pirates had attacked and had stolen from them and had killed their leaders . I said that I was shipwrecked and that it was an accident but they said that I was lying and that I was probably a terrorist because I looked like a bear . When I told them that I looked like a bear because I was a bear , they said that they would put me in prison and would then put me in a zoo , where I would spend the rest of my days , far from the sea and far from my home . The humans were strange creatures . The sirens were frightening creatures , maybe even scarier than the humans . It was because of the sirens that my big ship crashed and was lost . The poor bear who was to watch at night had not been warned that the sirens would lead him astray with their beautiful song . It was truly the song of doom . I ate my berries and my apples and I wondered where my crew could be . I was sure that they lived . I wandered back to the shore . It was getting dark , and I had not found shelter . Would it rain ? Would I be exposed to the elements ? The mermaid swam toward me and , as if she could read my mind , she answered my questions . " Go to the other side of the island . You 'll find everything you need there . " I walked to the other side of the island . Everything was green and aromatic there . I had washed up on the rocky side of the island . On this side of the island , there were birch trees , maple trees , ash trees , tulip trees , oaks , and sycamores . There were also white pine trees and cedars . The trees formed a canopAlice Gerard Synopsis of yesterday 's episode : Bearnacle Bear had been imprisoned in the land of the humans . Although he became friends with some of the prisoners , being captive was very difficult and Bearnacle Bear 's spirit nearly broke . With a little assistance from folks who wished to remain anonymous , Bearnacle Bear was able to escape the prison and the land of the humans . He set off in a small boat but nearly perished in yet another storm . He washed up on a small island and thought that he had gone mad . I was on a small island that seemed uninhabited . I couldn 't see much because it was raining and hailing so hard . But , at that moment , I looked out to sea and saw a female form . I was sure that she was a mermaid . Crashing waves spray venom over the landA siren 's song leads a tall ship astrayTerrified sailors flee in tiny boatsThe swirling sea always claims its victims . Years later , a siren 's song is sounded . A lone sailor drawn by the deadly songThe swirling sea could engulf the whole shipbut the sailor steers into night time fears . A lone sailor drawn by the siren 's song , to the beautiful melody of doom . . . The sailor steers into his nighttime fears , the stark blackness of a watery grave . To the beautiful melody of doom , sailors frantic to flee the sinking ship . The stark blackness of a watery gravecould be their fate , but they are rendered blind . Sailors frantic to flee the sinking shipjoin the sailors of other times and ships . Could it be their fate to be rendered blind , trapped under the sea , unaware of time ? Joining sailors of other times and shipsthese sailors were still staring at beauty . Trapped under the sea , unaware of time , they forgot their homes , families , and ship . These sailors were still staring at beautybut the lovely ones were an illusion . Forgetting their homes , families , and ship , they lived in twilight , their memory gone . . . The song suddenly stopped . Was it the tale of my crew ? Did they survive the storm ? Where are they ? Did the mermaid know ? I watched the mermaid , waiting for her . . . no , hoping for her to come to speak to me or to sing more of her song . I walked on shore , soaking wet after the terrible storm , and went to seek shelter . I was relieved to be away from the humans and their prison so , even if I was on a tiny island far from home , I was happy . I was , however , gripped by hunger . I found a tree and . . . ( to be continued tomorrow ) Alice is a freelance writer / photographer / artist / master gardener . She is currently participating in a 52 week photography challenge , organized by Dogwood Photography . You can follow alice on twitter ; her handle is @ alicesbears |
I was holidaying in Corfu last summer at the small , quiet resort of Kalami on the North east side of the island . One afternoon my partner and myself decided to explore , so by foot we headed off from the beach and found a footpath running along the hillside of the coast . The path was steep at first then it levelled off , it had great views of the bay and sea below . After walking for about 23mins i had managed to get ahead of my partner and on doing so , i noticed a woman coming towards me as she approached i stood to one side to let her pass . Then i waited for my partner to catch up , i mentioned the woman but to my suprise she had ' nt seen anyone on the path ! This was weird as there was no other way from the path as it was too steep . If anyone had fallen , we would have heard them . SHE HAD COMPLETLEY VANISHED ! I was lying in bed and in the middle of the night I woke up for an unknown reason . I looked out my open door and saw a lady standing there . She was only an outline and inside that outline it was only dark . Even though I could not see any features or detail about her I could tell it was a female about 5 ' 6 ″ - 5 ' 7 ″ and she was staring directly at me . I could see the outline of her hair that was a little bit past her shoulders and fairly wavy . Her gaze was upon me in an intense way and as soon as I looked at her I turned away and I think I passed out from how immediately I went to sleep . Please consider my story and please consider posting it on your site . I would love to hear from anyone who has had a similiar experience . I have more stories but please e - mail me back first . After reading stories on here for the past couple of years I 've decided to share my story . My two sisters and I were living in our parents home in a small town in Idaho in the mid 1980 's . Two of the previous owners had died in the house , but we didn 't know this until later . Anyway , one night in returning home from work , I was met at the front door by my younger sister wanting to know if my older sister had been late for work . We both worked at the same factory but different shifts . I told her that she hadn 't and wanted to know why . My sister told me that between the time that my o lder sister had left and I arrived home someone had walked from my room ( our house was a two story ) , down the stairs and out the front door . My family had other experiences similar to this over the years that we lived there , however none of us talked about them until the house was sold 10 years ago . Hope you find this interesting . Its is a true story . Last year we moved to an older house . It was around people so I wasn 't scared . I was 14 , and I was sitting in the living room . My room is on the left and if u sit on the edge of the couch you can look right in . ( were I was at ) . My sister had just left , and the doors and windows were close . As I was sitting there looking at TV , something told me to looking my room . I 'm the kind of person that hates when someone is in there room . When I looked , I saw a woman walk from my closet , to my computer . At first I thought it was my sister , and about to scream " get out my room , " then I remembered , she just walked out . At that point , I was almost to scared to move , but I 'm a new Yorker . I got up slowly , when to the door , opened it . Opened all the windows , ( anything that would let light in ) . Later I started asking people about the house . They said it was a women that lived in my room , she was alone , didn 't have friend or family , and died without no one knowing it . If i 'm not in that room by 12 : 00P . M , my radio will go off as loud as it can , everytime one song . Hello ; My name is Dawn and I wanted to tell you about one of my experiences I had when I was younger . I lived in a apartment building in Kitchener Ontario . It was shortly after my dad passed away that I would wake up for no reason as I lied there , I would see this men in black robes walking around from room to room in our hallway . I saw these men a few times they reminded me of Monks , but I don 't think they were . They had their hoods up I never saw their faces , they wore it looked like white ropes around their waists . All I knew was I was pretty scared . We did finally end up moving out of that basement apartment . I was glad because even on the sunniest days is was dungeon like . Quite a number of years had gone by I told my mom what I saw and she always said it was my imagination . One day as my brother and I sat and talked the subject came up . He too saw these ghostly figures just as I did too . What we experienced I have no idea . All I can say is I can still see those figures in my mind and this happened 30 yrs ago . This ghostly event happened Friday 09 / 26 / 03 exactly at 5pm in Kimbolton , Ohio . I pulled in the driveway and got out of my car to go into my cabin . I was first to be home and my neighbors across the street were not home as they don 't arrive till 6pm . ( Now I live in a very rural area inside Salt Fork State Park ) As I approached the cabin , I heard a very loud voices talking from inside the cabin . I thought at first someone left the stereo on , but I was the last to leave the cabin earlier that day and made sure no stereo or anything else was left on before I left . I feel my windows viberate with the sound of the voices and they were definitely comming from inside . The main voice I heard was a man 's voice . I also heard a woman 's voice that was not nearly as loud . The voices got louder the closer I got the front door . I put my ear to the window and hear there were people talking inside but as loud as they were talking ( they talked very fast ! ) I couldn 't make out any words . Now the windows have curtains in front so I couldn 't see inside . I thought the cabin had been broken into . I checked both front and back door . No sign of forced entry anywhere . I opened the front door . As soon as I stepped inside , the voices stopped . I have no explanation other than it was paranormal . We 've had other paranormal experiences at the cabin every once in a while but I know every detail of it 's history and there were no deaths nor any signifcant events in the cabin other than it changed owners . End . First off , i would like to thank you for creating such a nice site . The following story has never been published for profit or free . All names except mine have been changed My friend Rae and I were spending a night at our friend Ninas house the summer of 2003 . I must say what we experienced that night was our faults as we were looking for trouble through an ouija board . We were in her small living room sitting on the floor at about 1 am playing the board and speaking with someone who claimed to be " Matt " a 14 year old boy . We were doing regular stupid ouija questions when all of a sudden the planchette stopped moving . A few seconds later , we heard 13 loud dings . They were clearly coming from an old wall hung grandfather clock . Only Nina was truly scared . We asked why and she gave us our answer . That very clock had not worked for over 5 years . We were pretty weirded out but were stupid enough to continue communication with " Matt " . We asked if he made the clock ding and he replied yes . He explained that he liked scaring us . Then we all saw something on her stairs . A random assortment of white lights in small bars . We were extremely scared at this point . When we finally got the nerve up to go to the area where the light was still perched , we all felt that the area was warmer then the room . At about this time , Ninas father came down the stairs . His first question was " How the hell did you girls get that clock to work ? " We explained everything and he was not too shocked . Ninas family has an intense history of supernatural occurences to the point they changed religions . Both Ninas mother and father are extremely sensitive and clairvoyent and Nina herself is showing signs of being sensitive . On December 1 , 2002 my Grandma past from an illness called dementia . About two months before she died we had a very spiritual Father come in and try to heal her with the power of a holy touch . She became well and we actually thought god had healed her . Around Thanksgiving time she became ill and we had to place her in an elderly hospital . There is where she passed . I was the only person in the family not to see her alive the day she died . My parents took my brother and sister too visit her in the morning , and my unlce and my cousins happened to see her too . Its around noon when the rest of my Family gets home and no longer than two minutes that my parents got home my aunt comes and tells us that my Grandma has passed . I felt like shit because I didn 't get to see her . I went to the hospital this time and seen my grandma dead . I was so sad I had to take a long walk to my girlfriends house . on my way over there I felt like if someone was following me . I look to my left and it w ! as then that I seen my Grandma walking right next to me kind of in a floating motion . As I try to touch her cheek in amazement the vision of her went away . If anyone has ever expirenced this pleas e - mail me irod _ 52 @ yahoo . com Anyway , about a week later I went back to investigate , and the meadow and greenhouse were completely gone , with a slope downwards with a house very near the gate . It is obviously too little of a time period to have dug a large ditch , started , and completed a house in a week . Besides , how could the meadow have been so big if there was a road in about 1 / 2 a mile ? The unknown : well ive been to my grandmas and grandpas house a few times now and its was only the second time something really strange really happened . It was a dark night in October and i was trying to sleep when out of the corner of my eye i noticed a very dark and mysterious shape . Mys sister was asleep so i got up and went to see what it was ( silly me ) and i felt a very distinct yank on my hair . I straight away dived out of the door . > From then on ive never been able to sleep at the house and since its a mew house im suprised . The old castle Recentlyi went on a nighttime tour of portchester castle . My group of about 9 and the tour guide went with me . As we went around the church i noticed a brown shape like a monk . I brought a book the next day and it said that the castle is often been reported for a brown monk . Strangley no one else saw it . There it is The first was a white robed monk which I saw when I was about five years old . It had a very large hood and sleeves , and it seemed to know that I was watching it . It does go into mre detail than this , but I am trying to conserve space ! My husband started to haunt me when he died five years ago . He tapped on the bedroom window from " outside " , and when I went to look , no - one was there . ( no , there weren 't any trees outside at all ) ! He also made the tree plant I have move when there was no breeze , and messed my bed up after I made it every morning . I guess you could say just about anyone knows about something that happened that can only be explained by means of the paranormal … Except me , I guess . But that 's not counting all I think happened all those years ago , when I was a kid . I 'll try to work on remembering those , but until then , two friends who just stumbled upon me perusing your webpage started telling me stuff either they had experienced themselves , or someone they knew well ( and not a friend of a friend ) had had happen to them . Here 's the first … Down in Abram - Village , Prince - Edward - Island ( Canada ) , there 's an old house that still stands today . Some say the house is 200 years old , but I can 't confirm that right now , nor can I confirm if anyone is there at the moment . The last people I ( or rather , she , I 'm typing down what she says ) heard about anyone staying over there was back in the late Eighties , when a young couple were living there . It wasn 't a dark and stormy night , no people flew through the walls , but one incident happened one afternoon that is worthy of note . The husband of the two was sitting on the couch , just relaxing , while his wife tinkered about in the kitchen , fixing a pot of coffee . Arriving into the living room , she put down a cup for her husband , on his side of a table . He 'd take a sip , and his attention soon focused to something else , until he 'd go back for his cup , only to notice it wasn 't on his side of the table but at the other end . Reaching for it , he 'd take a sip and promptly forget about it , thinking his wife was playing a prank on him . After two times of this , he raised his gaze to see his cup slowly moving away from him , gliding on the table . Of course , when this happens to you , you tend to get a bit curious and start keeping an ear open around town to hear if something odd had happened at that house . One of the neighbors had been around for awhile , and during a conversation , his neighbor mentions the elderly couple who had lived there before them . The man of the house was arthritic , and his wife would torment him by putting his cup of ( tea or coffee , I 'm not sure ) as far away from him on the same table while he 'd be sitting in the living room . Nothing had happened to the neighbor in question , nor did anything ever happen again to the couple who saw that cup move . I just found out the second story to be a fake , while I was typing this one in . I guess I 'm not the only one who doesn 't have a true ghost story on the tip of my conscious mind . At least this one is real . And if I can remember the stuff that happened to me while I was a kid , I 'll be sure to share . ( I was never really that comfortable , at my house or elsewhere . Often labelled a scaredy cat , I always thought there was more to it than that . How can you stay scared of the same thing for years on end ? And when I wasn 't , then it was my sister 's turn . ) My story happened about six years ago . My family and I lived in an old , big house in a small town . The main floor has a lot of windows stretching around the living room and dining room . One night my mom and I walking through the dining room and the lights were off . However , the light outside our window was on which cast the shadows of the trees onto our window . Since there were only two trees on that side of the house it was easy to see everything else in our driveway . I looked over to the window , and I noticed a very distinct shadow of a man hunched over like he was tip toeing outside our window . The shadow was very clear and normal size , suggesting that the man ws directly next to the windo . I was frightened , I didn 't know who would be creeping around our neighborhood . My mom yanked the cord to draw the curtains open when the figure was about half way across the window … only to find absolutely nothing out there . I have a ( ghost ) living in my house . I think it is a little boy . My two children talk with it and play with it . On halloween my husband was sitting on our couch and my daughters candy was sitting on the back of the couch , it moved . The next morning my daughter just woke up and she had a sucker I ask her where she got it she said the little boy gave it to her . One day I was sitting in the chair and ( someone ) knocked on my door , I got up to answer it and there was no one there but as soon as I turned my back my keys moved from one side of the table to the other . Not thirty seconds later bells rang in my mother - in - laws room and she has no bells in her room . Evernight when I come home my frontroom and frontporch lights are on . My friend is orginally from Nevil Island PA . She lived there most of her life until she was about 13 , when she moved to our town Avella , PA . Well my friend told me of a time when she was home alone with her mother and her dog . ( In Nevil Island ) and she sat in the door way of the pantry with her dog on her lap petting it and as she turned to the living room she seen the same dog walk passed her , in shock she looked down and she was still petting the dog on her lap and it had never left ! ! ! ! ! I used to work in a nursing home , and I sometimes felt " creepy " in certain rooms , as many people had died in them over the years . I asked the R . N . on my shift if he ever felt the same , half - expecting him to laugh at me , being the pretty normal and down to earth guy that he is . However , I was pretty interested to find out that he did , and had some experiences to relay . Here goes : One night he was working at some hospital along with some other nurses , and this old woman came wildly screaming out of her room . After the staff tried to calm her , she basically cursed them , spat , screamed , etc . and had to be carried physically back to her room . Here is the wierd thing , she weighed like 90 lbs . , and not just one person could handle her . 3 of the staff ( men ) weighing over 200 lbs . each had to carry her back to her room . My nurse friend said that when this woman jerked her body , all four of them would sway and stumble several feet ! When they took her back to her room , all the while spewing out stuff in other languages , she had to be tied down in her bed . ( These were the " old days " ) After my nurse friend left the room with the others to ponder what in the world just happened , he said that he heard a snap , and the woman had broken off her restraints . She had this amazing strength , and began screaming in this deep man 's voice . He said that he was totally freaked out , at this point , and thaught that he had seen her levitate . After giving this lady some kind of shot , she went to sleep . He then asked the others who were working that night if they thaught that she was posessed . They just lauhed , and after that , used to tease him about her being his girlfriend . There was no answer . My brother doesn 't work with me on a regular basis so he suggested that I go up first so as not to startle ( sp ) anyone . I went up ahead of my brother only to find and empty house with both doors closed . I looked at my brother to make sure we had both heard the " intruder " . We had indeed . I later asked my client about it . She was not surprised . " It happens all the time . We 're just used to it I suppose . " Hummmmmm . This is a rather peculiar story in that the ghost I encountered was my pet guinea pig named " Squeaky " . Poor Squeaky died suddenly one night after becoming ill for some unknown reason . We were very close and I cried for hours when he died . I held an animal funeral with my two dogs and cat in attendence . The day after the funeral , I woke up to hear the unmistakable squeak of my pet guinea pig trying to wake me up . I brushed it off as a dream and went about my day . However , the sqeaking did not stop ! Every time I went upstairs where Squeaky once lived , I would hear loud squeaking that no doubt was my deceased pet . Each time this happened I would doubt what I heard until one day I had a friend over for a visit who knew about my guinea pig dying , but not about the continued squeaking . She too heard the noises coming from upstairs and said , " I thought your guiea pig died " . I asked her if she heard the noise too and she said she had . I then explained that Sqeaky had died but maybe he wanted to say good - bye . I never heard his squeak again . Earlier this year a friend and I went camping in her RV . She slept in the cab over section , I was on the converted bed near the floor . Sometime during the night I was awakened by the noise of our hosts ' dog fighting with their cat . I listened to this for awhile and tossed , trying to get some more sleep . Out of the corner of my eye I noticed movement towards the back of the RV ( there was a full moon and the inside of the camper was quite illuminated ) . I thought it was my friend in the bathroom so I didn 't think much of it . However , this apparition ( best description ) started walking towards me and I could make out the face as clear as day - it was not my friend . This apparition looked at me , locked eyes with me and the hair raised on the back of my neck . I shouted " hey ! " not knowing what else to do and the figure backed up and blinked out , no fading or anything , just blinked out . I was thoroughly shaken , and the few I have told this tale to said I " was just dream ! ! ing " and scoffed . However , I know I was fully awake , had been for some time and I know what I saw . Surprisingly , I was not scared , it was more of a thrill and a sense of wonderment . One of my friends ( T . J . ) when I was younger lived with his grandfather in this really old , gorgeous victorian . I used to visit there often ( I was pretty rebelious and would sneak over there when I didnt want to be at home ) . Now there are very few things that I have phobias of . One is clowns and the other is flying . Occasionally I spent nights at the house and would sleep in the second bed in TJs room ( it was actually a guest room that was never redecorated when TJ moved in ) . On the wall facing the bed I usually slept in was this smiling clown figure . When ever I slept over I would either set it outside the room or turn it so taht it was facing the wall . If I put it in the hall I would wake up each morning with it on the bedside table . If I turned it to the wall it would be facing me in the morning . There were many magazines on the desk on the opposite side of the room . Many times when I walked by a breeze would blow one or more of these magazines open and always to a page where a plane was pictured . Once I awoke to a magazine at the foot of my bed . It was open to a story of a plane crash . Other strange things happened in the house . Like a heavy trunk that was in the attick would be found in the middle of the den . Another time a picture of TJs dead grandmother was found in the middle of the living room floor , where she used to set her chair to read . We never really figured out what the reasons for these things were . Maybe we just had a mischievious ghost . TJs grandfather always thought it was his dead wife getting bored of the after life : ) |
Once again , I have written another story involving Pokeshipping . This story is the sequal to my story Four Weddings , A Funeral , And A Baby . For those who never read the first story , here is the link so you can read it . It has been two weeks since Ash and Misty 's wedding and the newlyweds are coming back home from their honeymoon . As they opened up the door of the house , a bunch of people come out of nowhere and surprised them . It was Delia , Drew , May , Professor Oak , Brock , and Tracey to greet them . Misty then went over to May and her new born daughter Rose . " Oh May , Rose is just the cutest thing ever " said Misty . Ash then started opening up the mail . He then opened up a letter that was from Sheila of the Mahogany gym . " Oh my God , it says here that Pryce just died and that we are invited to the funeral " said Ash . Brock then yelled out , " Yahoo ! This is the best news I 've heard in the longest time . " " What ? Brock , that 's a horrible thing to say " said Misty . Brock then explained that at funerals of gym leaders , most and / or all gym leaders from all over come to the funeral . And it 's not just gym leaders , Battle Frontier heads and Elite Four members are invited too . So that means all of the girls that Brock has hit on in the past would be there . A couple of days have passed and now Ash , Misty , Brock , and Tracey are in Mahogany Town for Pryce 's funeral . As they headed towards their seats , Brock took Tracey by the hand and told him that this was their chance to pick up girls . Tracey then asked Brock about Suzy . " Oh , all we do in that relationship is break - up . But now , it 's time for me to move on " said Brock . Just then , Misty heard her name being called . She turned around and saw Rudy . " Misty , it has been far too long " he said . As he kissed Misty 's hand , Ash butted in . " Oh Rudy , you remember Ash " said Misty . " Yeah , I 'm her husband " yelled out Ash . Rudy then congratulated them and walked off . Ash then said , " I still don 't like him . " That night , everyone gathered in a ballroom for a little reception party . Ash was talking to Watt . " Oh Ash , I 'm so glad to see you again " he said . Ash then asked Watt where Wattson was . Watt then said , " Well , a couple of years back , he got committed into a mental institution . The people of Mauville City were a little irritated with Wattson running around town with no clothes on . So I 'm the gym leader at Mauville . " Just then , a man came up to Ash and the group and asked if the young lady was named Misty . When Misty turned around and said she was , the young man then said , " Oh I 've been waiting a long time to meet you . Allow me to introduce myself , my name is Wallace . " Misty then recognized him for being a famous water - pokemon master . Just then , Misty 's sister 's Daisy , Violet , and Lily came up to Wallace and introduced themselves to him . " Oh my , I never knew you could be so handsome in person " said Daisy . As Wallace blushed by all of the compliments , Tracey started to sulk and said " Oh , I 've been trying to get with Daisy for years . What does she see in that guy anyways ? And what 's wrong with you Brock ? " Brock told him that he 's too excited to be near all of these girls . It feels so good that he feels like breaking out in song . Just then , Koga and Aya walk up to Brock . " Brock , I thought I recognized you " said Aya . " Aya , you 're looking good . And Koga , it 's good to see you " said Brock . Koga then replied , " I wish I could say the same thing . I had to quit the gym business once my eyes went bad . The laser - eye surgery seemed like a good idea at the time . But luckily , my daughter was able to take over and here she is . Brock , this is my daughter Janine . " Brock took one look at Janine and asked to make sure that Koga was totally blind . Just as Brock was getting his hand ready , Janine grabbed Brock 's arm and threw him clear across the room . Brock then landed on the ground and slid right into a pair of legs . He opened his eyes and all he can see was a giant rack . " Holy crap , those are the biggest things I 've ever seen " said Brock . Ash , Misty , and Tracey ran over to see if Brock was okay . Just then , they recognized Prima and instantly paid no attention to Brock . Suddenly , somebody called Brock 's name . When Brock looked up , he saw Lucy 's face . A little later , Ash was walking around and all of a sudden , he saw Tucker making out with Harley . Ash then screamed out , " Ah , it burns ! " In getting away from that site , he bumped into a lady . As he apologized , she said , " Oh no need to apologize . I 've heard about you Ash Ketchum . I 'm Karen . " Ash then recognized her as one of the Elite Four members . " Oh , well that 's nice . But I recognize you as a well - accomplished pokemon trainer . I never expected you to be this handsome " said Karen . Just then , Tracey saw Ash talking to Karen and said , " I wonder who Ash is talking too . WHOA BABY , SHE ' S HOT ! " He then ran over to them and pushed him out of the way . " Move Ash , you have Misty . Hi , my name is Tracey Sketchit . I 'm Professor Oak 's assistant " he said . Karen ignored Tracey and walked away . In another part of the room , Brock and Lucy were walking together getting reacquainted with each other . Lucy then invited Brock over to her place for some drinks . Later that n . . . To be continued tomorrow . . . Early that next morning , Brock drove over to Suzy 's house . When Suzy opened the door , she was shocked to see Brock . " Oh Brock , you know , I 'm really busy right now , so maybe you should come back later " said Suzy . Brock then told her that he really loves her and wants to be with her always . " Oh Brock , you 're so sweet " she said . Just as the two come in for a kiss , Zane came out from the other room and asked Suzy who was at the door . " Zane , what are you doing here " asked Brock . Zane told him that he 's seeing his girlfriend . " Huh ? So that 's why you kept breaking up with me " said Brock . Suzy then replied , " Wait Brock , it 's not what you think . You remember that Zane and I were a couple years back . Well when we broke up , you came into the picture . But during the time I spent with you , it made me missed Zane too much . " Brock then said , " So let me get this straight , you only dated me out of pity ? " Suzy told Brock to not look at the situation like that . Zane then snapped and pulled out a gun . " Zane , what the hell are you doing " Suzy yelled out . Zane then said , " I 'm sorry Suzy , this is the one way to get rid of that pest once and for all . " Brock then tried grabbing the gun away from Zane , both struggling to grab in possession . Zane pushed Brock down to the ground , but accidentally pulled the trigger and the bullet hit Suzy in the arm . Brock ran over to Suzy and Zane ran to the phone to call 911 . Brock then walked over to the other side of the room and picked up Zane 's gun . " This is your entire fault . You should know how dangerous guns are " said Brock . Zane then ran to the window and said , " Ah ha , now you touched the gun . So when the police search for fingerprints , they won 't find mine . " Brock then chased him out the window . All of a sudden , Zane disappeared and police sirens were going off . Brock quickly went into his car and fled the scene . As Brock continued driving and noticed that he was very close to Pallet Town . All of a sudden , his car breaks down . " Oh damn it , I 'm out of gas " he said . Suddenly , he starts to hear police sirens and realized that they were after him . Brock then left his car and began to run . He then realized that Tracey 's place wasn 't too far away , so he bolted there . When he reached to the place , Brock started banging on the door . Tracey then opened the door wearing a woman 's night gown . Brock gave Tracey a weird look and said , " Okay , why are you wearing a women 's night gown ? Never mind , I don 't want to know . Listen , you have to help me . The police are after me . " Tracey then took Brock to his car and they left . However , the two only got as far as to Viridian City , when the police set up spikes in the road . When they stopped , Brock and Tracey got out of the car and both of them got beat down to the ground by the police . At the police station , Brock and Tracey were put in separate cells . When Tracey went into his cell , he was getting " acquainted " with his new cellmate , Mondo . As Mondo gave Tracey a strange look , Tracey grabbed onto the bars and yelled to Brock to get him out of here . At Ash and Misty 's house , Ash was on the phone with Tracey . He asked Ash to bail him out of jail . " For the love of God , you 've got to get me out of here . My cellmate wants me to be his new wife " Tracey yelled out . Ash then asked Tracey why he was wearing a woman 's night gown . Tracey then yelled out , " It 's comfortable ! Is that a crime ? " Ash then told Tracey that he 'd be right there . Just as Ash hung up , Misty was heading out the door . When Ash asked Misty where she was going , Misty told him that she was heading to the Cerulean gym because her sisters asked her for a favor . " Well I better go bail Tracey out before he gets raped " said Ash . A little while later at the Cerulean gym , Daisy told Misty that she was so happy that she could make it on such short notice . Lily then said , " Yeah , we needed someone to play the mermaid since Violet broke her leg . Oh and before I forget , we brought someone special to play the prince . " When Misty asked who the prince was going to be , Wallace came out . " It 's a pleasure to work beside such a sweet and talented water trainer such as you Misty " he said . At the Viridian prison , Ash finally made it to bail Tracey out . When Tracey left his cell , Ash said , " Tracey , what the hell did you and Brock do ? " Tracey then told Ash that Brock went over to Suzy 's house and saw some guy named Zane there . Zane then pulled out a gun and accidentally pulled the trigger , hitting Suzy . So far , the police haven 't even put Zane under custody . Tracey then told Ash that he has to go to court in two days and speak . As the two left the prison , they bumped into Karen . " Well , well , well , if it isn 't Ash Ketchum and his … drooling friend Terry " she said . Tracey then said , " It 's Tracey , but I can be Terry if you like . " Karen then told Ash that she is helping out Nurse Joy by putting up fliers announcing the Pokemon League in the Kanto region . Ash then said , " Hmm … I don 't know . I mean I haven 't gone on a journey in a couple of years . Plus now I 'm a marriedTwo days later , it was the day of Brock 's trial . At the hospital , Misty and May were there visiting Suzy . But when they went to see her in her room , Suzy was trying to escape from her room . Misty and May stopped her and asked her why she was trying to escape . Suzy then said , " I have to go to that trial . It 's not Brock 's fault . " May saw some nurse outfits and came up with an idea . Misty and May were dressed in nurse outfits and are slowly pushing Suzy in the wheelchair . Suddenly , a real nurse noticed something was wrong and started going after them . The three then bolted and ran into their car . In the car , they turned on the radio and heard the following message , " Hello all , DJ Mary here giving you round - to - round coverage of the court case following Pewter City gym leader Brock on attempted murder charges . We 'll bring you more info when it becomes available . " At the court room , Brock came in , being escorted by two Officer Jenny 's . His lawyer then ran over to Brock and it happened to be James . " Wait a minute , James , you 're the lawyer the court gave me " said Brock . James then said , " Eek , don 't blow my cover twerp . Look , I need the money . So , let 's just let bygones be bygones and call me Gerald Stein . " A little later , Tracey was at the bench . He then said , " Well , I was sleeping and Brock came to my house and asked me to drive him away from the police . " Then the lawyer asked Tracey why he was wearing a woman 's night gown . " It was comfortable and it was a gift , do we have to make a federal case out of this ? Oh never mind " he said as he began crying . Just then , Brock and James were putting their hands over the heads and started to think that they were doomed . All of a sudden , a voice comes from nowhere and said , " Brock is innocent . " Just then , May and Suzy come through the door . As May sat down next to Ash , he asked her where Misty was . " Oh she 's in the bathroom . I don 't blame her , I was going pretty fast " said May . Suzy then approached the court and said , " Please Part Three : A couple of days later , May was over at Misty 's house . " Oh come on Misty , it couldn 't be that . Maybe you just caught the flu " said May . Misty told her that she doesn 't want to take any chances and so , she went into the bathroom . At Professor Oak 's lab , they had the television on . A news caster came on and said , " Early this morning , Zane , a well - known pokemon breeder was caught by the Celadon police . " Brock then shut the TV off and hoped that he got the electric chair . Ash then asked Professor Oak if it was wise of him to go on a new journey now . Tracey then said , " Well Ash , you haven 't been on a journey for a couple of years . But seeing as though you 're a married man now , I say you better run this idea past Misty first . " Ash then figured that it might work since the two of them don 't have such big responsibilities . Back at Misty 's house , Misty came out of the bathroom and told May that she was pregnant . May then said , " Oh my goodness I 'm so happy for you Misty . I bet your parents will be so proud . Come to think of it , I 've never even met your parents . " Misty then told May that her mother died when she was very young and her father abandoned the family sometime after . May then said , " Oh Misty , I didn 't mean to say anything to upset you . But I 'm sure Ash will be thrilled . " Back at the lab , Drew then asked Ash if he had any plans of having children . Ash then said , " Well , the thought has crossed my mind , but for the time being , I just like things the way they are with just me and Misty . " That night , when Ash came home , he told Misty that he had great news . Misty then said she had some good news as well , but told Ash to go first . Ash then said , " Well , I 've been thinking that it has been such a long time since I 've been on a journey . And since there 's going to be a Pokemon League competition soon , I was thinking that you and I should go on a journey just like old times . " Misty then said , " Gee a journey . Well that sounds great Ash , but … " Ash then butted in and said , " Oh I knew you would love the idea . Now what was the good news you were going to tell me ? " Misty then told Ash that it could wait . In Petalburg , May was breast feeding Rose when Drew came inside and said , " Hi honey , wait until I tell you of what … Oh God , do you have to do that in front of me ? " May told Drew to stop bugging her about the breast feeding issue . Drew then said , " Okay fine , I 'll drop it . Well anyways get this ; Ash is planning on going on a new pokemon journey . " May then snapped and yelled out , " What the hell is wrong with Ash ? He 's leaving Misty all alone in her condition . " Drew then told her that Misty was going to go with Ash on the journey . " But Misty can 't go because she 's preg … Oops " said May . Drew then asked May if Misty was pregnant . When May told him that he was , Drew said , " Oh man , Ash has been looking forward to going on a new journey for a long time now . But he can 't just leave Misty like that . " That next day , May came over to Misty 's house . She then asked Misty if she told Ash about the new baby . Misty then said , " I 'm sorry May , but I just wasn 't able to bring myself to tell Ash . I mean , after he told me about this new journey . " At Professor Oak 's lab , Drew came in the door and asked Tracey and Professor Oak if they saw Ash . When they said no , Drew asked if they talked to Misty . " Well , we haven 't spoken to Misty in a while . But Drew , what 's wrong " asked Tracey . Drew then said , " Alright look , I don 't want you leaking this out to Ash but , Misty is pregnant . " Just then , there was a knock on the door . When Tracey opened the door , he saw Ash standing outside . " Ash , what are you … I mean , what brings you here " asked Tracey . Ash told Tracey that he wanted to decide what pokemon he wants to take with him . Professor Oak then went over to Ash and said , " Um Ash , what did Misty say when you told her about the new journey ? " Ash then told them that she seemed thrilled about the idea . " You know , that seems a little hard to believe " said Drew . Tracey then said , " Ash , I 'm ashamed of you , abandoning your own wife for Christ sake . " Ash then told them that he wasn 't abandoning her and that she was going to come with him . Tracey then said , " What kind of idiot would drag his pregnant wife on a pokemon journey with them ? " When Tracey realized what he just said , Ash turned around and said , " What did you just say ? " Tracey then stuttered a bit and told him that he said nothing . " Yes you did Tracey . Are you trying to say that Misty is pregnant " Ash asked . Drew then said , " Well , I heard from May that she was . So I 'm guessing that it is true . " Ash then went to the door and said , " If you guys will excuse me , I 'm going to go for a walk . " A little later in the day , Tracey went over to see Misty . " Tracey , what are you doing here " asked Misty . Tracey then said , " Look Misty , I have to tell you something important . You see , I heard from Drew , who heard from May that you were pregnant . Well , when I found out , Ash came in and I … well … I accidentally told Ash that you were pregnant . " Misty then gave a frustrated groan and started to break down in tears . Tracey then went over to her and told her not to cry . Misty then said , " You don 't understand Tracey . Ash was just so excited about this new journey . He would always tell me that he would go back on a pokemon journey . And now , this has to happen . " Tracey then told Misty that in order for Ash to know how she really felt , she has to talk to him . " Thank you Tracey , you 're such a good friend " said Misty . Near a little lake , Pikachu looked sadly at Ash . Ash then picked up Pikachu and said , " Oh Pikachu , it feels like only yesterday I started my first journey with you and I met Misty . Now just look at us , we 're married and going to have a baby in a couple of months . I don 't know what to do anymore . " Ash then heard his name being called . When he turned around , Ash saw Misty behind him . She then asked him if he was okay . Ash then said , " Oh I 'm okay . Listen Misty , I had to do a lot of thinking and have decided to stay here in Pallet Town . I will be there for you if you need anything . " Misty was so happy that she started crying and hugged Ash . Posts 3 , 595 I love this story ! Brock 's trial was unexpected , and I enjoyed it when they declared Zane guilty . And May with a child and Misty pregnant ? I can 't wait for the next chapter , I wonder what the baby will be named ? I also did not expect Harley doing it with Tucker . Great job so far ! Posts 7 , 268 Oh thank God , there are posts ! I would have really hated to double post . Well anyways , thank you all for the comments . I will be putting up a new part up every night . About a couple of months have passed and Misty is starting to show . One morning , her sisters Daisy , Violet , and Lily came by the house for a visit . Daisy came inside and said , " Oh sis , we 're here . Oh my God , you 're as big as a house . " Misty then glared at Daisy . Daisy then told Misty that she needed some help . Lily then said , " You see , Daisy is going to enter the Miss Kanto beauty pageant . And we need some help . " Misty couldn 't believe that her sisters were asking for her help . " Well , we figured that you wouldn 't be using some of the dresses for a while " said Daisy . After Daisy said that , Misty started to even wonder why she should help her . Violet then said , " Well you see , first prize is one thousand dollars and we were thinking of giving it to you and Ash . " At Brock 's house , Ash and Gary were over there . Brock then said , " I am so excited to be a judge at the Miss Kanto Beauty Pageant . All of the best beauties the Kanto region has to offer . " Gary then said that Brock and Professor Oak were so lucky to be a judge . " By the way Brock , how does Suzy feel about you being a judge in the beauty pageant " asked Ash . Brock then told Ash that Suzy was the third judge of the pageant . A couple of days pass and it was the night of the Miss Kanto Beauty Pageant . " Thanks for helping out May " said Misty . May told her that it was such a generous thing her sister was doing and so was happy to help out . As the girls walked out of the dressing room , May gave a strange look as she saw someone walking by . " Harley , is that you " she asked . Harley turned around and said , " Harley ? Who 's Harley ? My name is Hannah . " Harley then grabbed May and spoke with her quietly . Harley then said , " Please May , I know we haven 't really gotten along , but I 'm begging you to keep it quiet . I 'd like to win the money so Tucker and I can have the best wedding . " May then turned back around to the group and said , " Oh sorry , my mistake . It 's nice to meet you Hannah . " The pageant began and Contesta came out as the host of the show . " Welcome one and all to the Miss Kanto Beauty Pageant brought to you in part by … Tampax Pearl . The one , the only , Tampax . I think a little piece of me just died . Um … Moving right along now , let 's meet our contestants . And here they are . " All of the contestants then came out and included : Miss Celadon Erika , Miss Vermillion ( Nurse ) Joy , Miss Viridian Jessie , Miss Saffron Hannah ( Harley ) , Miss Cerulean Daisy , and Miss Fuchsia Janine . Brock then started to drool an awful lot and Suzy then said , " Do you need bib Brock ? " During the talent competition , Janine was up . " So Janine , what is your talent " asked Contesta . Janine then grabbed Brock 's arm and flipped him onto the ground . " Well I guess you can say that I 'm a Karate master " said Janine . Professor Oak then leaned over to Suzy and asked her if she was going to help him . " Nope , this hurts me more than that hurt Brock " she said . In the audience , May asked Misty what Daisy 's special talent was . Misty told May that she was a dancer . " These chumps haven 't seen anything yet until they 've seen Daisy dance " said Lily . When it was Daisy 's turn , some pop music came on and Daisy danced up a storm . " Wow , you guys were right , she is good " said May . Lily then said , " I told you . Daisy has got this competition in the bag . " Later in the competition , the competition was down to the last three contestants , Jessie , " Hannah " and Daisy . Contesta then asked Jessie to come and ask a few questions . As Jessie walked over , Harley started to glare at her . " Now Jessie , what would you do if you are given the title of Miss Kanto " asked Contesta . Just then , Harley ripped off Jessie 's dress , which revealed a penis . " Holy crap , Jessie 's a man " yelled out Ash . " Yes , I 'm a man . And I 'm not Jessie , I 'm James " he said . Harley then said , " As you can see , this is no woman . He faked his way into the contest . " James then said , " You don 't understand , Jessie ordered me to be in this contest . After all , it is my fault that I knocked her up and now she 's eight months pregnant . Oh , she 's going to kill me . " Harley then told Contesta to go on with the contest . May snapped , stood up , and yelled out , " Hold it Hannah , or should I say Harley ? Contesta , that is not a woman either . " Contesta then disqualified both James and Harley and declared Daisy the winner of the Miss Kanto Beauty Pageant . Oh yeah . Review time . Sorry ' bout that . . . Nice story so far . There 's a nice wide array of couples to choose from , and it 's all quite amusing . ^.^ That part about the contest 's sponser was very funny ! Of course , I wanted to smack Haruka - aisai in this latest chapter , but I digress . . . The only issue I have is the spacing . It 's not a huge deal , but there technically should be a new paragraph for each line of dialouge . For example , instead of : " Hi ! " greeted Bob . " Hello ! " Mary replied . Blah blah blah enter random junk here . " Bye ! " said Bob . " See ya ! " Mary replied with a wave . " Hi ! " greeted Bob . " Hello ! " Mary replied . Blah blah blah enter random junk here . " Bye ! " said Bob . " See ya ! " Mary replied with a wave . That makes it much easier to read so people won 't get lost in large paragraphs . It doesn 't take away from your story of course . I still like it ~ = 3 A couple of weeks pass by after that and Ash and Misty are preparing for their little bundle of joy . One day at Professor Oak 's lab , he and Tracey were cleaning up the place . All of a sudden , there was a knock on the door . When Tracey opened the door , he saw Karen on the front steps . " Oh , uh , Karen , what a pleasure it is to see you . Please , please , come in " said Tracey . As he and Karen sat down , she asked Tracey how Ash was doing on his journey . Tracey then said , " Oh Ash isn 't going on any journey . He decided not to go on a pokemon journey after all . " Karen then gave an angry look and then asked where Ash could be . Tracey then said , " Well he lives at this address . I 'm guessing that he 's home around this time . But enough of that tell me , would you consider going … Oh , she 's gone . " Outside of Ash 's house , Ash was doing some training with Pikachu . After Pikachu finished off an Iron Tail attack , Karen came out and noted that Pikachu was very strong . " Karen , what brings you here " asked Ash . Karen then said , " Well , I was in the area and I checked in with that little friend of yours , Tracey . He told me that you weren 't on a journey . So what happened ? " Ash told her that he decided to stay here and take care of Misty . Karen started to give another angry look , but then smiled and asked Ash to come to her place for some drinks and to come alone . That night , Ash arrived at Karen 's place . As Ash took a few sips from his drink , Karen put her hand on his thigh and told him that she loves him . Ash then spit out his drink and asked what she just said . Karen then said , " I said I love you Ash Ketchum . I 've loved you since I first saw you at Pryce 's funeral . But please , don 't speak . I know that you are married , but I want you to make love to me , right now . " And with that , Karen unzipped her dress . As her dress hit the floor , Ash fainted . When he came to , he noticed that he was tied to the bed with all of his clothes off . " What the hell is going on " asked Ash . Karen then said , " Why that was the most fun I 've had in years . And yes we did do it Ash Ketchum and I have a nice picture to prove it . Now if you don 't want your precious Misty to find out about your little secret , I want you to do something for me . " Karen then whispered her demands in Ash 's ear . The next afternoon , Misty 's sisters were over to help Misty . She was worried because Ash left the night before and didn 't return . " Don 't worry Misty , I 'm sure Ash will be back soon " said Daisy . " And don 't worry , Violet is taking care of dinner " Lily said . Tracey then went over to Daisy and asked her if she 'd like to go out with him . " Tracey , I don 't think now is a good time to ask me out . I 'm trying to comfort my baby sister " said Daisy . Just then , there was a knock at the door and it was Brock and Suzy . " Hi Daisy , have you seen Ash " asked Brock . As Misty began to cry , Tracey told him that Ash hasn 't been here in over a day and is making Misty very moody . Brock then said , " Uh , hey Misty , you know I didn 't mean anything … Uh , oh , why do I even bother ? " Just then , Ash came through the door . " Ash Ketchum , where have you been " asked Misty . She then started to cry and wondered why Ash doesn 't love her anymore . Ash then stopped Misty in the middle of her mood swing and said , " Whoa Misty , hold it there . I know things have been really rough on you . I mean , you have raging hormones , worse than before . But the point is I 'm sorry I wasn 't here last night and that I made you worry . " Misty then told Ash she was sorry for yelling at him . Just then , Violet came in and told them that dinner was ready . " And don 't worry , there 's plenty for everybody " she said . As everyone sat down , Tracey noticed Ash pulling out Misty 's chair . Tracey then pulled out Daisy 's chair . " That 's so sweet of you Tracey , just don 't let it go to your head " she said All of a sudden , the doorbell rang . When Ash opened the door , he started to scream , as he saw Karen on his front steps . " Karen , what are you doing here " he whispered . Karen then said , " Well I was in the neighborhood and I thought I should pop in for a visit . " Tracey then noticed that Karen was here , so he ran over to her and asked her to stay for dinner . " Well thank you , um … Tracey , I think I 'll take you up on At the dinner table , Tracey was complimenting Karen on how good she looks . As Karen brushed him off , Daisy started to glare at her . " So Misty , I see that you 're … expecting your first child with Ash " Karen said . Misty then said , " Yup , in less than five months , Ash and I will have our own baby . " Karen then said , " How sweet . I guess good men are hard to find . " Just then , Tracey started to smile at her . Karen then turned to Ash and said , " Ash , do you have a suggestion for my predicament ? " Ash then asked if he could have a private word with her . In the other room , Ash asked Karen if she could just leave and not return . " Not a chance Ashy boy . Besides , I still haven 't told your precious wife about our intercourse " she said . Just then , Tracey came through the door and yelled out , " You had sex with Karen ? " All of a sudden , everyone at the table gasped and ran to the other room . " Is it true Ash ? Did you really sleep with Karen " Misty asked . Tracey then said , " But , but , but , Karen doesn 't like you , she likes me . " Karen told Tracey that she never liked him . Just then , Daisy snapped and said , " Now listen here you home - wrecker . Tracey is the nicest boy anyone could ask for . But all I saw tonight was you belittling him . And you know what I don 't appreciate you hurting my friends or destroying my little sister 's marriage . Now please leave this house and never return you little * * * * * . " As Karen left , Misty went to her room , locked the door , and started crying . Brock then said , " I think we should all leave right now . Um , thanks for dinner Ash and good luck . " As they left the house , Tracey went to Daisy and thanked her for sticking up for him . " Oh don 't mention it Tracey . I just hated seeing the way she treated you " said Daisy . Tracey then asked her if this time , she 'd go out with him . Daisy then replied , " Yeah sorry Tracey , but I don 't date guys who like wearing women 's night gowns . But don 't worry , somewhere out there , a girl will like you for you . Don 't give u . . . To be continued . . . About a month later , Misty was over at May and Drew 's place . Misty was clinching a brown envelope , as it contained the results of what sex the new baby was going to be . " May , I 'm too nervous to open this . Please could you open it for me " asked Misty . May then said , " Hey look , this is your kid not mine . I have my own … Okay fine I 'll open it for you . " Just as she was opening the envelope , there was a knock at the door . When May opened the door , Harley came in . " Oh May , I 'm in such a predicament . I need your help with my wedding " he said . May then asked Harley why she should even help . Harley then said , " Do keep in mind May that it was your big mouth that had me disqualified from that beauty pageant and losing the thousand dollars as well . So , I want you to help me with my wedding . " May sighed heavily and told him she 'll help . Misty offered to help Harley as well . As they were planning , Rose started to cry . " Oh damn it , Misty I have to check on the baby . Misty could you continue helping Harley " May asked . " Oh don 't worry I 'll help " Misty said . As May picked Rose up , the doorbell rang . When May opened the door , she saw Robert on her porch . " Robert , I haven 't seen you in a while . Do you want to come in " she asked . Robert then said , " Oh May , I wanted to see you for a long time now . Is this your child May ? It 's such a cute child . " May then told Robert to take a seat on the couch while she put Rose down for a nap . Robert then got up and lowered down the lights in the room . When May returned , Robert took May by the hand . " Um , Robert what are you doing " she asked . Robert then said , " Oh sweet May , how I 've longed to embrace you like this . " Just as May was going to tell him about her being married to Drew , she then blushed and the two go in for a romantic kiss . Back in the kitchen , Harley and Misty were wondering why May was taking so long . When they opened the door , they saw Robert and May kissing each other . They then quickly closed the door . " Did I just see what I thought I just saw " asked Misty . Harley then said , " I can 't believe she 's with another guy . Poor Drew . " As Misty continued to watch the drama unfold , Harley opened Misty 's brown envelope , thinking it was one of the papers he brought . " What the hell , this isn 't … Hey Misty , it says here you 're having twins " he said . Misty then turned around and asked Harley what he just said . He then said , " It 's just what I read . It says it right here in black and white that you are having twins . " May then pushed Robert away and told him to leave the house . After Robert left , May went back into the kitchen . Harley then got out of his seat and yelled out , " You hussy ! I can 't believe you actually did that . " Outside , Robert was walking away from the house crying . Just then , Tucker was walking to the house and saw the sad coordinator . When Tucker asked what was wrong , Robert screamed out , " I was turned down by the one I truly love . " Just then , Tucker started to get mad . He then marched to May 's door and started banging . This time Harley opened the door and saThat night , May was in the bed with a worry look on her face . As Drew came into the room , he went over to May and kissed her . He then noticed May looked worried . " May , what 's the matter " he asked . May then told Drew that nothing was wrong and that she was just very tired . Meanwhile near the Battle Dome , Tucker was crying . All of a sudden , he heard his name being yelled out . When he opened the window , he saw Harley with a bouquet of roses . He then said , " Tucker , please hear me out . Robert is straight . He loves May not me . You know that you 're my one and only . " Tucker then jumped from his window , landing on the ground . He told Harley that he just couldn 't stay mad at him and the two started to kiss . That next morning in Pallet Town , Ash was sitting down for some breakfast . Misty then said , " I hope you enjoy the breakfast I made just for you . I made two eggs , with two pieces of bacon , and two slices of toast . " As Ash ate his breakfast , Misty asked him if he noticed a theme to the breakfast . " Mmm … Nope don 't see anything " he said . Misty then said , " Right , I forgot how dense you can be . I might as well get this over with . Ash , I got something from the doctor yesterday and well , we 're going to have twins . " Ash then got up and said , " Oh that sounds great honey . Well , I 'm going to go outside . " Just then , Ash started screaming and then fainted . Tracey then came inside . " Hi Misty , I just came to see if you had some extra sugar and … Oh … What the hell did you do to Ash " asked Tracey . Later that day , Harley was trying out his wedding dress at May 's place . " So what do you think May " he asked . May then said , " Gee , and I thought I looked bad in a wedding dress . " Just then , Drew walked in and saw Harley in a wedding dress . " Oh my God , May I will never nag you about breast feeding again " he said . Harley then said , " Well at least I 'm not nine months pregnant in my wedding dress … May . " As May glared at him , the doorbell rang . When she opened the door , she saw Robert with a bouquet of flowers . " Robert , what the hell are you doing here ? Drew is in the other room for Christ sake " she said . Just then , Drew and Harley came in to the room . " Robert , I haven 't seen you in a long time . What are you doing here " asked Drew . May then butted in and said , " Oh Robert was just on his way out . He 's … um … on his way to a funeral . Yeah , that 's it . " Robert then handed May the bouquet and apologized for his behavior yesterday . Drew then asked May what happened yesterday . As May stuttered , Tucker came through the door . He then said , " Oh , this is worse than I thought . Harley , I can 't believe you anymore . You 're going to elope with this , this … pretty boy ? " As Tucker started crying , Harley tried stopping his tears . " Tucker honey , Robert is straight . I 'm sorry I just can 't get into a man who beats me three times in a row at a contest . Besides , he loves May not me . Oops , sorry about that May " he said . Drew turned to May and asked her if what Harley said was true . Robert then came in and said , " Well you see , it wasn 't May 's fault . If you should be mad at anyone , it should be me . You see , I didn 't know that you two were married and so I wanted to declare my love for May . I 'm sorry for all of the grief I caused you all . " As Robert left the house , Harley and Tucker were making out . A couple of days later at Harley and Tucker 's wedding , Ash , Misty , May , Drew , and Brock were sitting in the audience . As the ceremony went on , May asked Drew if he was still mad abou . . . To be continued . . . About two months later , Tracey and Misty were in a car heading to the Cerulean gym . " Thanks for driving me to the gym Tracey " said Misty . Tracey said he was happy to do the chore since he 'll be seeing Daisy again . Misty then said , " Tracey , you know that Daisy has been turning you down for years . Just give it up . " At the gym , Daisy , Lily , and Violet came outside to greet them . " Oh Misty , I 'm so glad you 're here and … Good Lord , you 've gotten big . And Tracey … Okay , Misty , why did you bring Tracey ? Why " Daisy asked . Misty explained that Ash and Brock were busy and Tracey insisted . Lily then said , " I know it 's a lot to ask of you but , we need someone to sell tickets for tomorrow 's water show . We need someone to sell tickets , so that we can get ready to perform . " Tracey then volunteered to help . " Well then , I better call Ash and tell him that I 'll be staying here for the night " said Misty . When they went inside , Misty was greeted by Wallace . " Misty , it 's been a while since I 've seen you " he said . Daisy then stepped in and said , " Hold on there Wallace , Misty is happily married , as you can see by the size of her stomach . " Misty then yelled at Daisy to stop poking at how big she is . Wallace then looked at Tracey in a weird way and said that he recognized him . " Now I know where I 've seen you before . About a year ago , I saw a picture of you making out with another guy " he said . Tracey then fell to the ground and started sulking . That next day , Misty and Tracey were sitting at a table selling tickets for the show . All of a sudden , Misty went into complete shock . When that happened , a man walked up and asked Misty how she was . " I 'm fine " she said . As the man walked away , Tracey asked Misty if she knew that man . Misty replied , " That was my father . " During intermission , Misty 's father came over to her to talk to her . " Oh Misty , I haven 't seen you in so many years . Honey , I apologize for being so very distant with you and your sisters . I see you guys really took good care of the gym " he said . As the two were talking , Tracey was watching from a distant . Just then , Misty 's father turned around and Tracey fell down . " Uh , hi Misty , I was just seeing if you were alright " he said . Misty then said , " Oh don 't worry , I 'm fine . Tracey , this is my … father , Clint . " Clint then asked her if Tracey got her pregnant . Misty then told him that Tracey was just a friend . She then brought out a picture of Ash to show her father . After the show was over , Wallace and Misty 's sisters came out . Misty then told them that someone special came to the show . As Clint came out , Lily and Violet gave a sad look . Daisy then walked up and said , " Well you certainly have some nerve coming back after all of these years . I can 't believe you would actually … Ah ! I have nothing more to say to you . " So she walked away . Lily , Violet , and Misty then decide to go after Daisy . As they were walking , Lily asked Misty if she was feeling alright . " I 'm fine , really I am " said Misty . " Are you sure , I mean none of us have seen Daddy in years " said Lily . Back near the front entrance , Clint decided that he should go . After Clint left , Wallace asked Tracey what was going on . Tracey then said , " Well , Misty only told me the story once . You see when Misty was at a very young age , her mother died . Soon after , her father left , leaving Daisy to watch over the gym and her sisters since she was the oldest of the sisters . " Misty , Lily , and Violet were A little later , Tracey dropped Misty off at her house . " Are you sure you 're going to okay Misty " Tracey asked . Misty told Tracey that she was fine . When Misty came inside , Ash greeted her and offered her a nice backrub . As Misty sat down , she started asking Ash some questions . " Ash , are you sure you 're going to be an equal partner in taking care of the twins ? Or am I going to have to take care of the twins all by myself " she asked . Ash then said , " Whoa , where is all of this coming from ? " Misty then yelled out , " I knew it I 'm going to be all alone . I knew I couldn 't rely on you . " Misty then went off into her room . Ash then looked confused and was wondering what the hell just happened . That night , Ash entered the room and saw Misty crying . " Misty , I want to know what 's been bothering you " said Ash . Misty then said , " Well , while Tracey and I were selling tickets at the gym , my , my , my … father came . You see , I haven 't seen my father since I was five years old . I 'm just worried that I 'm going to have to take care of my children all alone . " Ash then put his arm around Misty and said , " Misty , you don 't have to worry about that . I vowed that I would be there for you and for my children . Don 't forget , you have me , your sisters , Brock , Tracey , Professor Oak , and so many people who care about you . " Misty then apologized to Ash for snapping . The next morning as Misty was eating some breakfast there was a knock on the door . When she opened the door , she saw Clint on the front steps . " Dad , um , what are you doing here " she asked . He explained that he got directions from Nurse Joy of Cerulean to the house . Misty then asked him to stay for dinner . " I would love to come back here for dinner " he said . After Clint left , Misty decided to get an early start on making dinner . A little later that day , Ash and Brock came inside and saw Misty rushing around the kitchen . Ash then ran over to Misty and said , " Honey , you shouldn 't be running around like that in your condition . Here lie down and rest . " Misty then told Ash that she just can 't rest right now since her father was coming for dinner tonight . A couple of hours later , Misty put the finishing touches on her meal . " Well , I guess we should be heading out so that you can have some alone time with your father " said Brock . Misty then stopped Ash and Brock and told them to stay so that they could meet Clint . So Ash , Misty , and Brock waited for Clint to show up . Three hours went by and there was still no show of Misty 's father . " I don 't know what could have happened . I mean , he promised he was going to be here . He , he , he … he stood me up " she said . Misty then went in her room and began crying . Ash and Brock decided to take a drive over to Cerulean City . When they arrived at Cerulean , Ash went over to the Pokemon Center and Brock went over to the gym . At the gym , Lily greeted Brock . " Oh Brock , what are you doing here ? Oh dear , something is wrong . What happened to Misty " she asked . Brock told Lily that Clint came by the house and made plans to have dinner with each other . But , Clint never showed up and it really upset Misty . Lily then put her hand over her head and said , " Poor Misty . I can 't believe she had to go through all of that . " Just then , Ash ran inside and said , " I just talked to Nurse Joy . She told me that Clint left town . Oh gee , Misty is going to be heartbroken . " L . . . To be finished tomorrow . . . Posts 7 , 268 Well , this is the last chapter and I hope you all enjoy it . I want to thank all of you for posting your reviews on my fic especially you AM2K . You have been there through all of my fics . I 'm working on a couple more fics ( that are away from this fic ) but who knows when they 'll be finished . Now that I 'm busy with school and a social life again , well who knows . Well anyways , thank you all ! Two more months pass by and Misty is about a couple of days late . Meanwhile , everyone else was getting ready for Professor Oak 's birthday . Tracey and Gary were planning a big party for him . The day of the party , Brock and Suzy were getting ready to go to Oak 's lab . All of a sudden , a breaking news report came on . " We are live in front of the Celadon City prison where there was a break out late last night . Zane , a former pokemon breeder , who was convicted of shooting his ex - girlfriend Suzy . " When that was heard , Suzy and Brock were in complete shock . " Oh no Brock , now that Zane escaped he 's going to come after us . We have to get out of here right now and find a place to hide " said Suzy . A little later at Oak 's lab , Tracey and Gary were putting up the finishing touches for the party . Just then , there was a knock on the door . When Tracey opened up the door , Brock and Suzy rushed inside . Brock then said , " Tracey , you 've got to hide us . Zane escaped from prison last night and we need a place to hide out for a while . " Tracey and Professor Oak were happy to help out in any way . A little later , Ash and Misty arrived . Tracey then asked Misty how she was . " Well I 've just been really tired of hauling this thing around , but the doctor told me it might be a couple of more days before anything happens " she said . As more and more guests arrived , it began to snow outside . A little later into the party , Gary was talking to Tracey . " Say Tracey , you know Misty 's sisters right ? Well , what are the chances of you hooking me up with one of those beauties " he asked . Tracey then said , " I don 't know , I 've been trying to get with Daisy for years and no luck . But maybe you 'll have better luck with one of the sisters . " Gary then went over to Daisy , Lily , and Violet to properly introduce himself . " Hi ladies , I don 't think we 've really met . I 'm Gary Oak , Professor Oak 's grandson " he said . Just then , the sisters huddled up and had a private chat with each other . Violet then went over to Gary and said , " It 's very nice to meet you Gary . I 'm Violet . " As Gary and Violet left the area , Lily asked Daisy if they made the right decision . " I think we made the right decision Lily . Now , we can have Wallace all to ourselves " she said . Lily then said , " Well , Wallace will be mine . You can have Tracey . " In another part of the party , Ash was looking for Misty . As he continued walking , he saw May and Drew making out . " Oh for God sake , you two are married now with a kid " said Ash . May then said , " Hey , do you mind ? We never interrupt you and Misty . " Ash sighed and then asked May if she could help find Misty . " Okay , I 'll help you look for her " said May . Meanwhile , Delia was then looking out the window and noticed that it was snowing very hard . Gary then went back over to Tracey to tell him that one of the sisters likes him . " That 's great Gary , which one likes you " Tracey asked . Gary snapped and didn 't know which one likes him . " I don 't know . All three of them look the same . I don 't know which one is Violet . Uh oh , I better not screw this up " he said . All of a sudden , the power went off in the room . Tracey was then able to find a candle and some matches , so there was at least some light in the room . Just then , everybody got tied up together . All of a sudden , the light came back on and everyone saw Zane . In another room , May was searching for Misty . Just then , a door opened and Misty came out . " Oh hi May , I was just in the bathroom " she said . May then said , " Oh thank goodness . I got a little worried when the power went off . Now let 's get back to the party , Ash was worried about you . " When May opened the door , she saw Zane and everyone else tied up and quickly closed the door . " It 's Zane , what the hell is he doing here " May asked . Just then , May started to hear some splashing sound . " Oh crap , Misty please tell me you 're not going into labor " May asked . Misty then said , " You know my water just broke . Why me ? Why now ? " As Misty started to scream out in pain , May covered her mouth and said , " Oh come on Misty , hold it in . We can 't let Zane know we 're in here . " Back in the other room , Suzy was begging Zane to stop all of this now . Zane then said , " I wish it were that simple my dear Suzy . It 's time for me to set things right . " He then pulled out his gun and pointed it at Brock . " Please Zane , don 't do this and make things worse " said Suzy . Back in the other room , May was watching all of the action through a crack in the door . While Misty did her breathing on the floor , May brought out her Venusaur . " Okay Venusaur , I want you to use your vine whip to get that gun away from Zane " she said . Venusaur 's Vine Whip was able to take the gun from Zane 's hand and brought the gun into May 's hands . " Ah ! I don 't want this " she said , as she put the gun on a high shelf . May then got Venusaur to do a Sleep Powder attack to put Zane to sleep . May then ran over to everyone to untie them . She then went over to Ash and said , " Ash , we have a problem . Misty 's water broke ; she 's going to have the baby right now . " After Ash got untied , he ran into the other room to be by Misty 's side . Drew then went over to the phone to call the hospital , but there was no dial tone . Daisy then remembered that she has a cell phone , so she called the hospital and then called the police to takDENTO - FRUIT |
Once again , I have written another story involving Pokeshipping . This story is the sequal to my story Four Weddings , A Funeral , And A Baby . For those who never read the first story , here is the link so you can read it . It has been two weeks since Ash and Misty 's wedding and the newlyweds are coming back home from their honeymoon . As they opened up the door of the house , a bunch of people come out of nowhere and surprised them . It was Delia , Drew , May , Professor Oak , Brock , and Tracey to greet them . Misty then went over to May and her new born daughter Rose . " Oh May , Rose is just the cutest thing ever " said Misty . Ash then started opening up the mail . He then opened up a letter that was from Sheila of the Mahogany gym . " Oh my God , it says here that Pryce just died and that we are invited to the funeral " said Ash . Brock then yelled out , " Yahoo ! This is the best news I 've heard in the longest time . " " What ? Brock , that 's a horrible thing to say " said Misty . Brock then explained that at funerals of gym leaders , most and / or all gym leaders from all over come to the funeral . And it 's not just gym leaders , Battle Frontier heads and Elite Four members are invited too . So that means all of the girls that Brock has hit on in the past would be there . A couple of days have passed and now Ash , Misty , Brock , and Tracey are in Mahogany Town for Pryce 's funeral . As they headed towards their seats , Brock took Tracey by the hand and told him that this was their chance to pick up girls . Tracey then asked Brock about Suzy . " Oh , all we do in that relationship is break - up . But now , it 's time for me to move on " said Brock . Just then , Misty heard her name being called . She turned around and saw Rudy . " Misty , it has been far too long " he said . As he kissed Misty 's hand , Ash butted in . " Oh Rudy , you remember Ash " said Misty . " Yeah , I 'm her husband " yelled out Ash . Rudy then congratulated them and walked off . Ash then said , " I still don 't like him . " That night , everyone gathered in a ballroom for a little reception party . Ash was talking to Watt . " Oh Ash , I 'm so glad to see you again " he said . Ash then asked Watt where Wattson was . Watt then said , " Well , a couple of years back , he got committed into a mental institution . The people of Mauville City were a little irritated with Wattson running around town with no clothes on . So I 'm the gym leader at Mauville . " Just then , a man came up to Ash and the group and asked if the young lady was named Misty . When Misty turned around and said she was , the young man then said , " Oh I 've been waiting a long time to meet you . Allow me to introduce myself , my name is Wallace . " Misty then recognized him for being a famous water - pokemon master . Just then , Misty 's sister 's Daisy , Violet , and Lily came up to Wallace and introduced themselves to him . " Oh my , I never knew you could be so handsome in person " said Daisy . As Wallace blushed by all of the compliments , Tracey started to sulk and said " Oh , I 've been trying to get with Daisy for years . What does she see in that guy anyways ? And what 's wrong with you Brock ? " Brock told him that he 's too excited to be near all of these girls . It feels so good that he feels like breaking out in song . Just then , Koga and Aya walk up to Brock . " Brock , I thought I recognized you " said Aya . " Aya , you 're looking good . And Koga , it 's good to see you " said Brock . Koga then replied , " I wish I could say the same thing . I had to quit the gym business once my eyes went bad . The laser - eye surgery seemed like a good idea at the time . But luckily , my daughter was able to take over and here she is . Brock , this is my daughter Janine . " Brock took one look at Janine and asked to make sure that Koga was totally blind . Just as Brock was getting his hand ready , Janine grabbed Brock 's arm and threw him clear across the room . Brock then landed on the ground and slid right into a pair of legs . He opened his eyes and all he can see was a giant rack . " Holy crap , those are the biggest things I 've ever seen " said Brock . Ash , Misty , and Tracey ran over to see if Brock was okay . Just then , they recognized Prima and instantly paid no attention to Brock . Suddenly , somebody called Brock 's name . When Brock looked up , he saw Lucy 's face . A little later , Ash was walking around and all of a sudden , he saw Tucker making out with Harley . Ash then screamed out , " Ah , it burns ! " In getting away from that site , he bumped into a lady . As he apologized , she said , " Oh no need to apologize . I 've heard about you Ash Ketchum . I 'm Karen . " Ash then recognized her as one of the Elite Four members . " Oh , well that 's nice . But I recognize you as a well - accomplished pokemon trainer . I never expected you to be this handsome " said Karen . Just then , Tracey saw Ash talking to Karen and said , " I wonder who Ash is talking too . WHOA BABY , SHE ' S HOT ! " He then ran over to them and pushed him out of the way . " Move Ash , you have Misty . Hi , my name is Tracey Sketchit . I 'm Professor Oak 's assistant " he said . Karen ignored Tracey and walked away . In another part of the room , Brock and Lucy were walking together getting reacquainted with each other . Lucy then invited Brock over to her place for some drinks . Later that n . . . To be continued tomorrow . . . Early that next morning , Brock drove over to Suzy 's house . When Suzy opened the door , she was shocked to see Brock . " Oh Brock , you know , I 'm really busy right now , so maybe you should come back later " said Suzy . Brock then told her that he really loves her and wants to be with her always . " Oh Brock , you 're so sweet " she said . Just as the two come in for a kiss , Zane came out from the other room and asked Suzy who was at the door . " Zane , what are you doing here " asked Brock . Zane told him that he 's seeing his girlfriend . " Huh ? So that 's why you kept breaking up with me " said Brock . Suzy then replied , " Wait Brock , it 's not what you think . You remember that Zane and I were a couple years back . Well when we broke up , you came into the picture . But during the time I spent with you , it made me missed Zane too much . " Brock then said , " So let me get this straight , you only dated me out of pity ? " Suzy told Brock to not look at the situation like that . Zane then snapped and pulled out a gun . " Zane , what the hell are you doing " Suzy yelled out . Zane then said , " I 'm sorry Suzy , this is the one way to get rid of that pest once and for all . " Brock then tried grabbing the gun away from Zane , both struggling to grab in possession . Zane pushed Brock down to the ground , but accidentally pulled the trigger and the bullet hit Suzy in the arm . Brock ran over to Suzy and Zane ran to the phone to call 911 . Brock then walked over to the other side of the room and picked up Zane 's gun . " This is your entire fault . You should know how dangerous guns are " said Brock . Zane then ran to the window and said , " Ah ha , now you touched the gun . So when the police search for fingerprints , they won 't find mine . " Brock then chased him out the window . All of a sudden , Zane disappeared and police sirens were going off . Brock quickly went into his car and fled the scene . As Brock continued driving and noticed that he was very close to Pallet Town . All of a sudden , his car breaks down . " Oh damn it , I 'm out of gas " he said . Suddenly , he starts to hear police sirens and realized that they were after him . Brock then left his car and began to run . He then realized that Tracey 's place wasn 't too far away , so he bolted there . When he reached to the place , Brock started banging on the door . Tracey then opened the door wearing a woman 's night gown . Brock gave Tracey a weird look and said , " Okay , why are you wearing a women 's night gown ? Never mind , I don 't want to know . Listen , you have to help me . The police are after me . " Tracey then took Brock to his car and they left . However , the two only got as far as to Viridian City , when the police set up spikes in the road . When they stopped , Brock and Tracey got out of the car and both of them got beat down to the ground by the police . At the police station , Brock and Tracey were put in separate cells . When Tracey went into his cell , he was getting " acquainted " with his new cellmate , Mondo . As Mondo gave Tracey a strange look , Tracey grabbed onto the bars and yelled to Brock to get him out of here . At Ash and Misty 's house , Ash was on the phone with Tracey . He asked Ash to bail him out of jail . " For the love of God , you 've got to get me out of here . My cellmate wants me to be his new wife " Tracey yelled out . Ash then asked Tracey why he was wearing a woman 's night gown . Tracey then yelled out , " It 's comfortable ! Is that a crime ? " Ash then told Tracey that he 'd be right there . Just as Ash hung up , Misty was heading out the door . When Ash asked Misty where she was going , Misty told him that she was heading to the Cerulean gym because her sisters asked her for a favor . " Well I better go bail Tracey out before he gets raped " said Ash . A little while later at the Cerulean gym , Daisy told Misty that she was so happy that she could make it on such short notice . Lily then said , " Yeah , we needed someone to play the mermaid since Violet broke her leg . Oh and before I forget , we brought someone special to play the prince . " When Misty asked who the prince was going to be , Wallace came out . " It 's a pleasure to work beside such a sweet and talented water trainer such as you Misty " he said . At the Viridian prison , Ash finally made it to bail Tracey out . When Tracey left his cell , Ash said , " Tracey , what the hell did you and Brock do ? " Tracey then told Ash that Brock went over to Suzy 's house and saw some guy named Zane there . Zane then pulled out a gun and accidentally pulled the trigger , hitting Suzy . So far , the police haven 't even put Zane under custody . Tracey then told Ash that he has to go to court in two days and speak . As the two left the prison , they bumped into Karen . " Well , well , well , if it isn 't Ash Ketchum and his … drooling friend Terry " she said . Tracey then said , " It 's Tracey , but I can be Terry if you like . " Karen then told Ash that she is helping out Nurse Joy by putting up fliers announcing the Pokemon League in the Kanto region . Ash then said , " Hmm … I don 't know . I mean I haven 't gone on a journey in a couple of years . Plus now I 'm a marriedTwo days later , it was the day of Brock 's trial . At the hospital , Misty and May were there visiting Suzy . But when they went to see her in her room , Suzy was trying to escape from her room . Misty and May stopped her and asked her why she was trying to escape . Suzy then said , " I have to go to that trial . It 's not Brock 's fault . " May saw some nurse outfits and came up with an idea . Misty and May were dressed in nurse outfits and are slowly pushing Suzy in the wheelchair . Suddenly , a real nurse noticed something was wrong and started going after them . The three then bolted and ran into their car . In the car , they turned on the radio and heard the following message , " Hello all , DJ Mary here giving you round - to - round coverage of the court case following Pewter City gym leader Brock on attempted murder charges . We 'll bring you more info when it becomes available . " At the court room , Brock came in , being escorted by two Officer Jenny 's . His lawyer then ran over to Brock and it happened to be James . " Wait a minute , James , you 're the lawyer the court gave me " said Brock . James then said , " Eek , don 't blow my cover twerp . Look , I need the money . So , let 's just let bygones be bygones and call me Gerald Stein . " A little later , Tracey was at the bench . He then said , " Well , I was sleeping and Brock came to my house and asked me to drive him away from the police . " Then the lawyer asked Tracey why he was wearing a woman 's night gown . " It was comfortable and it was a gift , do we have to make a federal case out of this ? Oh never mind " he said as he began crying . Just then , Brock and James were putting their hands over the heads and started to think that they were doomed . All of a sudden , a voice comes from nowhere and said , " Brock is innocent . " Just then , May and Suzy come through the door . As May sat down next to Ash , he asked her where Misty was . " Oh she 's in the bathroom . I don 't blame her , I was going pretty fast " said May . Suzy then approached the court and said , " Please Part Three : A couple of days later , May was over at Misty 's house . " Oh come on Misty , it couldn 't be that . Maybe you just caught the flu " said May . Misty told her that she doesn 't want to take any chances and so , she went into the bathroom . At Professor Oak 's lab , they had the television on . A news caster came on and said , " Early this morning , Zane , a well - known pokemon breeder was caught by the Celadon police . " Brock then shut the TV off and hoped that he got the electric chair . Ash then asked Professor Oak if it was wise of him to go on a new journey now . Tracey then said , " Well Ash , you haven 't been on a journey for a couple of years . But seeing as though you 're a married man now , I say you better run this idea past Misty first . " Ash then figured that it might work since the two of them don 't have such big responsibilities . Back at Misty 's house , Misty came out of the bathroom and told May that she was pregnant . May then said , " Oh my goodness I 'm so happy for you Misty . I bet your parents will be so proud . Come to think of it , I 've never even met your parents . " Misty then told May that her mother died when she was very young and her father abandoned the family sometime after . May then said , " Oh Misty , I didn 't mean to say anything to upset you . But I 'm sure Ash will be thrilled . " Back at the lab , Drew then asked Ash if he had any plans of having children . Ash then said , " Well , the thought has crossed my mind , but for the time being , I just like things the way they are with just me and Misty . " That night , when Ash came home , he told Misty that he had great news . Misty then said she had some good news as well , but told Ash to go first . Ash then said , " Well , I 've been thinking that it has been such a long time since I 've been on a journey . And since there 's going to be a Pokemon League competition soon , I was thinking that you and I should go on a journey just like old times . " Misty then said , " Gee a journey . Well that sounds great Ash , but … " Ash then butted in and said , " Oh I knew you would love the idea . Now what was the good news you were going to tell me ? " Misty then told Ash that it could wait . In Petalburg , May was breast feeding Rose when Drew came inside and said , " Hi honey , wait until I tell you of what … Oh God , do you have to do that in front of me ? " May told Drew to stop bugging her about the breast feeding issue . Drew then said , " Okay fine , I 'll drop it . Well anyways get this ; Ash is planning on going on a new pokemon journey . " May then snapped and yelled out , " What the hell is wrong with Ash ? He 's leaving Misty all alone in her condition . " Drew then told her that Misty was going to go with Ash on the journey . " But Misty can 't go because she 's preg … Oops " said May . Drew then asked May if Misty was pregnant . When May told him that he was , Drew said , " Oh man , Ash has been looking forward to going on a new journey for a long time now . But he can 't just leave Misty like that . " That next day , May came over to Misty 's house . She then asked Misty if she told Ash about the new baby . Misty then said , " I 'm sorry May , but I just wasn 't able to bring myself to tell Ash . I mean , after he told me about this new journey . " At Professor Oak 's lab , Drew came in the door and asked Tracey and Professor Oak if they saw Ash . When they said no , Drew asked if they talked to Misty . " Well , we haven 't spoken to Misty in a while . But Drew , what 's wrong " asked Tracey . Drew then said , " Alright look , I don 't want you leaking this out to Ash but , Misty is pregnant . " Just then , there was a knock on the door . When Tracey opened the door , he saw Ash standing outside . " Ash , what are you … I mean , what brings you here " asked Tracey . Ash told Tracey that he wanted to decide what pokemon he wants to take with him . Professor Oak then went over to Ash and said , " Um Ash , what did Misty say when you told her about the new journey ? " Ash then told them that she seemed thrilled about the idea . " You know , that seems a little hard to believe " said Drew . Tracey then said , " Ash , I 'm ashamed of you , abandoning your own wife for Christ sake . " Ash then told them that he wasn 't abandoning her and that she was going to come with him . Tracey then said , " What kind of idiot would drag his pregnant wife on a pokemon journey with them ? " When Tracey realized what he just said , Ash turned around and said , " What did you just say ? " Tracey then stuttered a bit and told him that he said nothing . " Yes you did Tracey . Are you trying to say that Misty is pregnant " Ash asked . Drew then said , " Well , I heard from May that she was . So I 'm guessing that it is true . " Ash then went to the door and said , " If you guys will excuse me , I 'm going to go for a walk . " A little later in the day , Tracey went over to see Misty . " Tracey , what are you doing here " asked Misty . Tracey then said , " Look Misty , I have to tell you something important . You see , I heard from Drew , who heard from May that you were pregnant . Well , when I found out , Ash came in and I … well … I accidentally told Ash that you were pregnant . " Misty then gave a frustrated groan and started to break down in tears . Tracey then went over to her and told her not to cry . Misty then said , " You don 't understand Tracey . Ash was just so excited about this new journey . He would always tell me that he would go back on a pokemon journey . And now , this has to happen . " Tracey then told Misty that in order for Ash to know how she really felt , she has to talk to him . " Thank you Tracey , you 're such a good friend " said Misty . Near a little lake , Pikachu looked sadly at Ash . Ash then picked up Pikachu and said , " Oh Pikachu , it feels like only yesterday I started my first journey with you and I met Misty . Now just look at us , we 're married and going to have a baby in a couple of months . I don 't know what to do anymore . " Ash then heard his name being called . When he turned around , Ash saw Misty behind him . She then asked him if he was okay . Ash then said , " Oh I 'm okay . Listen Misty , I had to do a lot of thinking and have decided to stay here in Pallet Town . I will be there for you if you need anything . " Misty was so happy that she started crying and hugged Ash . Posts 3 , 595 I love this story ! Brock 's trial was unexpected , and I enjoyed it when they declared Zane guilty . And May with a child and Misty pregnant ? I can 't wait for the next chapter , I wonder what the baby will be named ? I also did not expect Harley doing it with Tucker . Great job so far ! Posts 7 , 268 Oh thank God , there are posts ! I would have really hated to double post . Well anyways , thank you all for the comments . I will be putting up a new part up every night . About a couple of months have passed and Misty is starting to show . One morning , her sisters Daisy , Violet , and Lily came by the house for a visit . Daisy came inside and said , " Oh sis , we 're here . Oh my God , you 're as big as a house . " Misty then glared at Daisy . Daisy then told Misty that she needed some help . Lily then said , " You see , Daisy is going to enter the Miss Kanto beauty pageant . And we need some help . " Misty couldn 't believe that her sisters were asking for her help . " Well , we figured that you wouldn 't be using some of the dresses for a while " said Daisy . After Daisy said that , Misty started to even wonder why she should help her . Violet then said , " Well you see , first prize is one thousand dollars and we were thinking of giving it to you and Ash . " At Brock 's house , Ash and Gary were over there . Brock then said , " I am so excited to be a judge at the Miss Kanto Beauty Pageant . All of the best beauties the Kanto region has to offer . " Gary then said that Brock and Professor Oak were so lucky to be a judge . " By the way Brock , how does Suzy feel about you being a judge in the beauty pageant " asked Ash . Brock then told Ash that Suzy was the third judge of the pageant . A couple of days pass and it was the night of the Miss Kanto Beauty Pageant . " Thanks for helping out May " said Misty . May told her that it was such a generous thing her sister was doing and so was happy to help out . As the girls walked out of the dressing room , May gave a strange look as she saw someone walking by . " Harley , is that you " she asked . Harley turned around and said , " Harley ? Who 's Harley ? My name is Hannah . " Harley then grabbed May and spoke with her quietly . Harley then said , " Please May , I know we haven 't really gotten along , but I 'm begging you to keep it quiet . I 'd like to win the money so Tucker and I can have the best wedding . " May then turned back around to the group and said , " Oh sorry , my mistake . It 's nice to meet you Hannah . " The pageant began and Contesta came out as the host of the show . " Welcome one and all to the Miss Kanto Beauty Pageant brought to you in part by … Tampax Pearl . The one , the only , Tampax . I think a little piece of me just died . Um … Moving right along now , let 's meet our contestants . And here they are . " All of the contestants then came out and included : Miss Celadon Erika , Miss Vermillion ( Nurse ) Joy , Miss Viridian Jessie , Miss Saffron Hannah ( Harley ) , Miss Cerulean Daisy , and Miss Fuchsia Janine . Brock then started to drool an awful lot and Suzy then said , " Do you need bib Brock ? " During the talent competition , Janine was up . " So Janine , what is your talent " asked Contesta . Janine then grabbed Brock 's arm and flipped him onto the ground . " Well I guess you can say that I 'm a Karate master " said Janine . Professor Oak then leaned over to Suzy and asked her if she was going to help him . " Nope , this hurts me more than that hurt Brock " she said . In the audience , May asked Misty what Daisy 's special talent was . Misty told May that she was a dancer . " These chumps haven 't seen anything yet until they 've seen Daisy dance " said Lily . When it was Daisy 's turn , some pop music came on and Daisy danced up a storm . " Wow , you guys were right , she is good " said May . Lily then said , " I told you . Daisy has got this competition in the bag . " Later in the competition , the competition was down to the last three contestants , Jessie , " Hannah " and Daisy . Contesta then asked Jessie to come and ask a few questions . As Jessie walked over , Harley started to glare at her . " Now Jessie , what would you do if you are given the title of Miss Kanto " asked Contesta . Just then , Harley ripped off Jessie 's dress , which revealed a penis . " Holy crap , Jessie 's a man " yelled out Ash . " Yes , I 'm a man . And I 'm not Jessie , I 'm James " he said . Harley then said , " As you can see , this is no woman . He faked his way into the contest . " James then said , " You don 't understand , Jessie ordered me to be in this contest . After all , it is my fault that I knocked her up and now she 's eight months pregnant . Oh , she 's going to kill me . " Harley then told Contesta to go on with the contest . May snapped , stood up , and yelled out , " Hold it Hannah , or should I say Harley ? Contesta , that is not a woman either . " Contesta then disqualified both James and Harley and declared Daisy the winner of the Miss Kanto Beauty Pageant . Oh yeah . Review time . Sorry ' bout that . . . Nice story so far . There 's a nice wide array of couples to choose from , and it 's all quite amusing . ^.^ That part about the contest 's sponser was very funny ! Of course , I wanted to smack Haruka - aisai in this latest chapter , but I digress . . . The only issue I have is the spacing . It 's not a huge deal , but there technically should be a new paragraph for each line of dialouge . For example , instead of : " Hi ! " greeted Bob . " Hello ! " Mary replied . Blah blah blah enter random junk here . " Bye ! " said Bob . " See ya ! " Mary replied with a wave . " Hi ! " greeted Bob . " Hello ! " Mary replied . Blah blah blah enter random junk here . " Bye ! " said Bob . " See ya ! " Mary replied with a wave . That makes it much easier to read so people won 't get lost in large paragraphs . It doesn 't take away from your story of course . I still like it ~ = 3 A couple of weeks pass by after that and Ash and Misty are preparing for their little bundle of joy . One day at Professor Oak 's lab , he and Tracey were cleaning up the place . All of a sudden , there was a knock on the door . When Tracey opened the door , he saw Karen on the front steps . " Oh , uh , Karen , what a pleasure it is to see you . Please , please , come in " said Tracey . As he and Karen sat down , she asked Tracey how Ash was doing on his journey . Tracey then said , " Oh Ash isn 't going on any journey . He decided not to go on a pokemon journey after all . " Karen then gave an angry look and then asked where Ash could be . Tracey then said , " Well he lives at this address . I 'm guessing that he 's home around this time . But enough of that tell me , would you consider going … Oh , she 's gone . " Outside of Ash 's house , Ash was doing some training with Pikachu . After Pikachu finished off an Iron Tail attack , Karen came out and noted that Pikachu was very strong . " Karen , what brings you here " asked Ash . Karen then said , " Well , I was in the area and I checked in with that little friend of yours , Tracey . He told me that you weren 't on a journey . So what happened ? " Ash told her that he decided to stay here and take care of Misty . Karen started to give another angry look , but then smiled and asked Ash to come to her place for some drinks and to come alone . That night , Ash arrived at Karen 's place . As Ash took a few sips from his drink , Karen put her hand on his thigh and told him that she loves him . Ash then spit out his drink and asked what she just said . Karen then said , " I said I love you Ash Ketchum . I 've loved you since I first saw you at Pryce 's funeral . But please , don 't speak . I know that you are married , but I want you to make love to me , right now . " And with that , Karen unzipped her dress . As her dress hit the floor , Ash fainted . When he came to , he noticed that he was tied to the bed with all of his clothes off . " What the hell is going on " asked Ash . Karen then said , " Why that was the most fun I 've had in years . And yes we did do it Ash Ketchum and I have a nice picture to prove it . Now if you don 't want your precious Misty to find out about your little secret , I want you to do something for me . " Karen then whispered her demands in Ash 's ear . The next afternoon , Misty 's sisters were over to help Misty . She was worried because Ash left the night before and didn 't return . " Don 't worry Misty , I 'm sure Ash will be back soon " said Daisy . " And don 't worry , Violet is taking care of dinner " Lily said . Tracey then went over to Daisy and asked her if she 'd like to go out with him . " Tracey , I don 't think now is a good time to ask me out . I 'm trying to comfort my baby sister " said Daisy . Just then , there was a knock at the door and it was Brock and Suzy . " Hi Daisy , have you seen Ash " asked Brock . As Misty began to cry , Tracey told him that Ash hasn 't been here in over a day and is making Misty very moody . Brock then said , " Uh , hey Misty , you know I didn 't mean anything … Uh , oh , why do I even bother ? " Just then , Ash came through the door . " Ash Ketchum , where have you been " asked Misty . She then started to cry and wondered why Ash doesn 't love her anymore . Ash then stopped Misty in the middle of her mood swing and said , " Whoa Misty , hold it there . I know things have been really rough on you . I mean , you have raging hormones , worse than before . But the point is I 'm sorry I wasn 't here last night and that I made you worry . " Misty then told Ash she was sorry for yelling at him . Just then , Violet came in and told them that dinner was ready . " And don 't worry , there 's plenty for everybody " she said . As everyone sat down , Tracey noticed Ash pulling out Misty 's chair . Tracey then pulled out Daisy 's chair . " That 's so sweet of you Tracey , just don 't let it go to your head " she said All of a sudden , the doorbell rang . When Ash opened the door , he started to scream , as he saw Karen on his front steps . " Karen , what are you doing here " he whispered . Karen then said , " Well I was in the neighborhood and I thought I should pop in for a visit . " Tracey then noticed that Karen was here , so he ran over to her and asked her to stay for dinner . " Well thank you , um … Tracey , I think I 'll take you up on At the dinner table , Tracey was complimenting Karen on how good she looks . As Karen brushed him off , Daisy started to glare at her . " So Misty , I see that you 're … expecting your first child with Ash " Karen said . Misty then said , " Yup , in less than five months , Ash and I will have our own baby . " Karen then said , " How sweet . I guess good men are hard to find . " Just then , Tracey started to smile at her . Karen then turned to Ash and said , " Ash , do you have a suggestion for my predicament ? " Ash then asked if he could have a private word with her . In the other room , Ash asked Karen if she could just leave and not return . " Not a chance Ashy boy . Besides , I still haven 't told your precious wife about our intercourse " she said . Just then , Tracey came through the door and yelled out , " You had sex with Karen ? " All of a sudden , everyone at the table gasped and ran to the other room . " Is it true Ash ? Did you really sleep with Karen " Misty asked . Tracey then said , " But , but , but , Karen doesn 't like you , she likes me . " Karen told Tracey that she never liked him . Just then , Daisy snapped and said , " Now listen here you home - wrecker . Tracey is the nicest boy anyone could ask for . But all I saw tonight was you belittling him . And you know what I don 't appreciate you hurting my friends or destroying my little sister 's marriage . Now please leave this house and never return you little * * * * * . " As Karen left , Misty went to her room , locked the door , and started crying . Brock then said , " I think we should all leave right now . Um , thanks for dinner Ash and good luck . " As they left the house , Tracey went to Daisy and thanked her for sticking up for him . " Oh don 't mention it Tracey . I just hated seeing the way she treated you " said Daisy . Tracey then asked her if this time , she 'd go out with him . Daisy then replied , " Yeah sorry Tracey , but I don 't date guys who like wearing women 's night gowns . But don 't worry , somewhere out there , a girl will like you for you . Don 't give u . . . To be continued . . . About a month later , Misty was over at May and Drew 's place . Misty was clinching a brown envelope , as it contained the results of what sex the new baby was going to be . " May , I 'm too nervous to open this . Please could you open it for me " asked Misty . May then said , " Hey look , this is your kid not mine . I have my own … Okay fine I 'll open it for you . " Just as she was opening the envelope , there was a knock at the door . When May opened the door , Harley came in . " Oh May , I 'm in such a predicament . I need your help with my wedding " he said . May then asked Harley why she should even help . Harley then said , " Do keep in mind May that it was your big mouth that had me disqualified from that beauty pageant and losing the thousand dollars as well . So , I want you to help me with my wedding . " May sighed heavily and told him she 'll help . Misty offered to help Harley as well . As they were planning , Rose started to cry . " Oh damn it , Misty I have to check on the baby . Misty could you continue helping Harley " May asked . " Oh don 't worry I 'll help " Misty said . As May picked Rose up , the doorbell rang . When May opened the door , she saw Robert on her porch . " Robert , I haven 't seen you in a while . Do you want to come in " she asked . Robert then said , " Oh May , I wanted to see you for a long time now . Is this your child May ? It 's such a cute child . " May then told Robert to take a seat on the couch while she put Rose down for a nap . Robert then got up and lowered down the lights in the room . When May returned , Robert took May by the hand . " Um , Robert what are you doing " she asked . Robert then said , " Oh sweet May , how I 've longed to embrace you like this . " Just as May was going to tell him about her being married to Drew , she then blushed and the two go in for a romantic kiss . Back in the kitchen , Harley and Misty were wondering why May was taking so long . When they opened the door , they saw Robert and May kissing each other . They then quickly closed the door . " Did I just see what I thought I just saw " asked Misty . Harley then said , " I can 't believe she 's with another guy . Poor Drew . " As Misty continued to watch the drama unfold , Harley opened Misty 's brown envelope , thinking it was one of the papers he brought . " What the hell , this isn 't … Hey Misty , it says here you 're having twins " he said . Misty then turned around and asked Harley what he just said . He then said , " It 's just what I read . It says it right here in black and white that you are having twins . " May then pushed Robert away and told him to leave the house . After Robert left , May went back into the kitchen . Harley then got out of his seat and yelled out , " You hussy ! I can 't believe you actually did that . " Outside , Robert was walking away from the house crying . Just then , Tucker was walking to the house and saw the sad coordinator . When Tucker asked what was wrong , Robert screamed out , " I was turned down by the one I truly love . " Just then , Tucker started to get mad . He then marched to May 's door and started banging . This time Harley opened the door and saThat night , May was in the bed with a worry look on her face . As Drew came into the room , he went over to May and kissed her . He then noticed May looked worried . " May , what 's the matter " he asked . May then told Drew that nothing was wrong and that she was just very tired . Meanwhile near the Battle Dome , Tucker was crying . All of a sudden , he heard his name being yelled out . When he opened the window , he saw Harley with a bouquet of roses . He then said , " Tucker , please hear me out . Robert is straight . He loves May not me . You know that you 're my one and only . " Tucker then jumped from his window , landing on the ground . He told Harley that he just couldn 't stay mad at him and the two started to kiss . That next morning in Pallet Town , Ash was sitting down for some breakfast . Misty then said , " I hope you enjoy the breakfast I made just for you . I made two eggs , with two pieces of bacon , and two slices of toast . " As Ash ate his breakfast , Misty asked him if he noticed a theme to the breakfast . " Mmm … Nope don 't see anything " he said . Misty then said , " Right , I forgot how dense you can be . I might as well get this over with . Ash , I got something from the doctor yesterday and well , we 're going to have twins . " Ash then got up and said , " Oh that sounds great honey . Well , I 'm going to go outside . " Just then , Ash started screaming and then fainted . Tracey then came inside . " Hi Misty , I just came to see if you had some extra sugar and … Oh … What the hell did you do to Ash " asked Tracey . Later that day , Harley was trying out his wedding dress at May 's place . " So what do you think May " he asked . May then said , " Gee , and I thought I looked bad in a wedding dress . " Just then , Drew walked in and saw Harley in a wedding dress . " Oh my God , May I will never nag you about breast feeding again " he said . Harley then said , " Well at least I 'm not nine months pregnant in my wedding dress … May . " As May glared at him , the doorbell rang . When she opened the door , she saw Robert with a bouquet of flowers . " Robert , what the hell are you doing here ? Drew is in the other room for Christ sake " she said . Just then , Drew and Harley came in to the room . " Robert , I haven 't seen you in a long time . What are you doing here " asked Drew . May then butted in and said , " Oh Robert was just on his way out . He 's … um … on his way to a funeral . Yeah , that 's it . " Robert then handed May the bouquet and apologized for his behavior yesterday . Drew then asked May what happened yesterday . As May stuttered , Tucker came through the door . He then said , " Oh , this is worse than I thought . Harley , I can 't believe you anymore . You 're going to elope with this , this … pretty boy ? " As Tucker started crying , Harley tried stopping his tears . " Tucker honey , Robert is straight . I 'm sorry I just can 't get into a man who beats me three times in a row at a contest . Besides , he loves May not me . Oops , sorry about that May " he said . Drew turned to May and asked her if what Harley said was true . Robert then came in and said , " Well you see , it wasn 't May 's fault . If you should be mad at anyone , it should be me . You see , I didn 't know that you two were married and so I wanted to declare my love for May . I 'm sorry for all of the grief I caused you all . " As Robert left the house , Harley and Tucker were making out . A couple of days later at Harley and Tucker 's wedding , Ash , Misty , May , Drew , and Brock were sitting in the audience . As the ceremony went on , May asked Drew if he was still mad abou . . . To be continued . . . About two months later , Tracey and Misty were in a car heading to the Cerulean gym . " Thanks for driving me to the gym Tracey " said Misty . Tracey said he was happy to do the chore since he 'll be seeing Daisy again . Misty then said , " Tracey , you know that Daisy has been turning you down for years . Just give it up . " At the gym , Daisy , Lily , and Violet came outside to greet them . " Oh Misty , I 'm so glad you 're here and … Good Lord , you 've gotten big . And Tracey … Okay , Misty , why did you bring Tracey ? Why " Daisy asked . Misty explained that Ash and Brock were busy and Tracey insisted . Lily then said , " I know it 's a lot to ask of you but , we need someone to sell tickets for tomorrow 's water show . We need someone to sell tickets , so that we can get ready to perform . " Tracey then volunteered to help . " Well then , I better call Ash and tell him that I 'll be staying here for the night " said Misty . When they went inside , Misty was greeted by Wallace . " Misty , it 's been a while since I 've seen you " he said . Daisy then stepped in and said , " Hold on there Wallace , Misty is happily married , as you can see by the size of her stomach . " Misty then yelled at Daisy to stop poking at how big she is . Wallace then looked at Tracey in a weird way and said that he recognized him . " Now I know where I 've seen you before . About a year ago , I saw a picture of you making out with another guy " he said . Tracey then fell to the ground and started sulking . That next day , Misty and Tracey were sitting at a table selling tickets for the show . All of a sudden , Misty went into complete shock . When that happened , a man walked up and asked Misty how she was . " I 'm fine " she said . As the man walked away , Tracey asked Misty if she knew that man . Misty replied , " That was my father . " During intermission , Misty 's father came over to her to talk to her . " Oh Misty , I haven 't seen you in so many years . Honey , I apologize for being so very distant with you and your sisters . I see you guys really took good care of the gym " he said . As the two were talking , Tracey was watching from a distant . Just then , Misty 's father turned around and Tracey fell down . " Uh , hi Misty , I was just seeing if you were alright " he said . Misty then said , " Oh don 't worry , I 'm fine . Tracey , this is my … father , Clint . " Clint then asked her if Tracey got her pregnant . Misty then told him that Tracey was just a friend . She then brought out a picture of Ash to show her father . After the show was over , Wallace and Misty 's sisters came out . Misty then told them that someone special came to the show . As Clint came out , Lily and Violet gave a sad look . Daisy then walked up and said , " Well you certainly have some nerve coming back after all of these years . I can 't believe you would actually … Ah ! I have nothing more to say to you . " So she walked away . Lily , Violet , and Misty then decide to go after Daisy . As they were walking , Lily asked Misty if she was feeling alright . " I 'm fine , really I am " said Misty . " Are you sure , I mean none of us have seen Daddy in years " said Lily . Back near the front entrance , Clint decided that he should go . After Clint left , Wallace asked Tracey what was going on . Tracey then said , " Well , Misty only told me the story once . You see when Misty was at a very young age , her mother died . Soon after , her father left , leaving Daisy to watch over the gym and her sisters since she was the oldest of the sisters . " Misty , Lily , and Violet were A little later , Tracey dropped Misty off at her house . " Are you sure you 're going to okay Misty " Tracey asked . Misty told Tracey that she was fine . When Misty came inside , Ash greeted her and offered her a nice backrub . As Misty sat down , she started asking Ash some questions . " Ash , are you sure you 're going to be an equal partner in taking care of the twins ? Or am I going to have to take care of the twins all by myself " she asked . Ash then said , " Whoa , where is all of this coming from ? " Misty then yelled out , " I knew it I 'm going to be all alone . I knew I couldn 't rely on you . " Misty then went off into her room . Ash then looked confused and was wondering what the hell just happened . That night , Ash entered the room and saw Misty crying . " Misty , I want to know what 's been bothering you " said Ash . Misty then said , " Well , while Tracey and I were selling tickets at the gym , my , my , my … father came . You see , I haven 't seen my father since I was five years old . I 'm just worried that I 'm going to have to take care of my children all alone . " Ash then put his arm around Misty and said , " Misty , you don 't have to worry about that . I vowed that I would be there for you and for my children . Don 't forget , you have me , your sisters , Brock , Tracey , Professor Oak , and so many people who care about you . " Misty then apologized to Ash for snapping . The next morning as Misty was eating some breakfast there was a knock on the door . When she opened the door , she saw Clint on the front steps . " Dad , um , what are you doing here " she asked . He explained that he got directions from Nurse Joy of Cerulean to the house . Misty then asked him to stay for dinner . " I would love to come back here for dinner " he said . After Clint left , Misty decided to get an early start on making dinner . A little later that day , Ash and Brock came inside and saw Misty rushing around the kitchen . Ash then ran over to Misty and said , " Honey , you shouldn 't be running around like that in your condition . Here lie down and rest . " Misty then told Ash that she just can 't rest right now since her father was coming for dinner tonight . A couple of hours later , Misty put the finishing touches on her meal . " Well , I guess we should be heading out so that you can have some alone time with your father " said Brock . Misty then stopped Ash and Brock and told them to stay so that they could meet Clint . So Ash , Misty , and Brock waited for Clint to show up . Three hours went by and there was still no show of Misty 's father . " I don 't know what could have happened . I mean , he promised he was going to be here . He , he , he … he stood me up " she said . Misty then went in her room and began crying . Ash and Brock decided to take a drive over to Cerulean City . When they arrived at Cerulean , Ash went over to the Pokemon Center and Brock went over to the gym . At the gym , Lily greeted Brock . " Oh Brock , what are you doing here ? Oh dear , something is wrong . What happened to Misty " she asked . Brock told Lily that Clint came by the house and made plans to have dinner with each other . But , Clint never showed up and it really upset Misty . Lily then put her hand over her head and said , " Poor Misty . I can 't believe she had to go through all of that . " Just then , Ash ran inside and said , " I just talked to Nurse Joy . She told me that Clint left town . Oh gee , Misty is going to be heartbroken . " L . . . To be finished tomorrow . . . Posts 7 , 268 Well , this is the last chapter and I hope you all enjoy it . I want to thank all of you for posting your reviews on my fic especially you AM2K . You have been there through all of my fics . I 'm working on a couple more fics ( that are away from this fic ) but who knows when they 'll be finished . Now that I 'm busy with school and a social life again , well who knows . Well anyways , thank you all ! Two more months pass by and Misty is about a couple of days late . Meanwhile , everyone else was getting ready for Professor Oak 's birthday . Tracey and Gary were planning a big party for him . The day of the party , Brock and Suzy were getting ready to go to Oak 's lab . All of a sudden , a breaking news report came on . " We are live in front of the Celadon City prison where there was a break out late last night . Zane , a former pokemon breeder , who was convicted of shooting his ex - girlfriend Suzy . " When that was heard , Suzy and Brock were in complete shock . " Oh no Brock , now that Zane escaped he 's going to come after us . We have to get out of here right now and find a place to hide " said Suzy . A little later at Oak 's lab , Tracey and Gary were putting up the finishing touches for the party . Just then , there was a knock on the door . When Tracey opened up the door , Brock and Suzy rushed inside . Brock then said , " Tracey , you 've got to hide us . Zane escaped from prison last night and we need a place to hide out for a while . " Tracey and Professor Oak were happy to help out in any way . A little later , Ash and Misty arrived . Tracey then asked Misty how she was . " Well I 've just been really tired of hauling this thing around , but the doctor told me it might be a couple of more days before anything happens " she said . As more and more guests arrived , it began to snow outside . A little later into the party , Gary was talking to Tracey . " Say Tracey , you know Misty 's sisters right ? Well , what are the chances of you hooking me up with one of those beauties " he asked . Tracey then said , " I don 't know , I 've been trying to get with Daisy for years and no luck . But maybe you 'll have better luck with one of the sisters . " Gary then went over to Daisy , Lily , and Violet to properly introduce himself . " Hi ladies , I don 't think we 've really met . I 'm Gary Oak , Professor Oak 's grandson " he said . Just then , the sisters huddled up and had a private chat with each other . Violet then went over to Gary and said , " It 's very nice to meet you Gary . I 'm Violet . " As Gary and Violet left the area , Lily asked Daisy if they made the right decision . " I think we made the right decision Lily . Now , we can have Wallace all to ourselves " she said . Lily then said , " Well , Wallace will be mine . You can have Tracey . " In another part of the party , Ash was looking for Misty . As he continued walking , he saw May and Drew making out . " Oh for God sake , you two are married now with a kid " said Ash . May then said , " Hey , do you mind ? We never interrupt you and Misty . " Ash sighed and then asked May if she could help find Misty . " Okay , I 'll help you look for her " said May . Meanwhile , Delia was then looking out the window and noticed that it was snowing very hard . Gary then went back over to Tracey to tell him that one of the sisters likes him . " That 's great Gary , which one likes you " Tracey asked . Gary snapped and didn 't know which one likes him . " I don 't know . All three of them look the same . I don 't know which one is Violet . Uh oh , I better not screw this up " he said . All of a sudden , the power went off in the room . Tracey was then able to find a candle and some matches , so there was at least some light in the room . Just then , everybody got tied up together . All of a sudden , the light came back on and everyone saw Zane . In another room , May was searching for Misty . Just then , a door opened and Misty came out . " Oh hi May , I was just in the bathroom " she said . May then said , " Oh thank goodness . I got a little worried when the power went off . Now let 's get back to the party , Ash was worried about you . " When May opened the door , she saw Zane and everyone else tied up and quickly closed the door . " It 's Zane , what the hell is he doing here " May asked . Just then , May started to hear some splashing sound . " Oh crap , Misty please tell me you 're not going into labor " May asked . Misty then said , " You know my water just broke . Why me ? Why now ? " As Misty started to scream out in pain , May covered her mouth and said , " Oh come on Misty , hold it in . We can 't let Zane know we 're in here . " Back in the other room , Suzy was begging Zane to stop all of this now . Zane then said , " I wish it were that simple my dear Suzy . It 's time for me to set things right . " He then pulled out his gun and pointed it at Brock . " Please Zane , don 't do this and make things worse " said Suzy . Back in the other room , May was watching all of the action through a crack in the door . While Misty did her breathing on the floor , May brought out her Venusaur . " Okay Venusaur , I want you to use your vine whip to get that gun away from Zane " she said . Venusaur 's Vine Whip was able to take the gun from Zane 's hand and brought the gun into May 's hands . " Ah ! I don 't want this " she said , as she put the gun on a high shelf . May then got Venusaur to do a Sleep Powder attack to put Zane to sleep . May then ran over to everyone to untie them . She then went over to Ash and said , " Ash , we have a problem . Misty 's water broke ; she 's going to have the baby right now . " After Ash got untied , he ran into the other room to be by Misty 's side . Drew then went over to the phone to call the hospital , but there was no dial tone . Daisy then remembered that she has a cell phone , so she called the hospital and then called the police to takDENTO - FRUIT |
Once again , I have written another story involving Pokeshipping . This story is the sequal to my story Four Weddings , A Funeral , And A Baby . For those who never read the first story , here is the link so you can read it . It has been two weeks since Ash and Misty 's wedding and the newlyweds are coming back home from their honeymoon . As they opened up the door of the house , a bunch of people come out of nowhere and surprised them . It was Delia , Drew , May , Professor Oak , Brock , and Tracey to greet them . Misty then went over to May and her new born daughter Rose . " Oh May , Rose is just the cutest thing ever " said Misty . Ash then started opening up the mail . He then opened up a letter that was from Sheila of the Mahogany gym . " Oh my God , it says here that Pryce just died and that we are invited to the funeral " said Ash . Brock then yelled out , " Yahoo ! This is the best news I 've heard in the longest time . " " What ? Brock , that 's a horrible thing to say " said Misty . Brock then explained that at funerals of gym leaders , most and / or all gym leaders from all over come to the funeral . And it 's not just gym leaders , Battle Frontier heads and Elite Four members are invited too . So that means all of the girls that Brock has hit on in the past would be there . A couple of days have passed and now Ash , Misty , Brock , and Tracey are in Mahogany Town for Pryce 's funeral . As they headed towards their seats , Brock took Tracey by the hand and told him that this was their chance to pick up girls . Tracey then asked Brock about Suzy . " Oh , all we do in that relationship is break - up . But now , it 's time for me to move on " said Brock . Just then , Misty heard her name being called . She turned around and saw Rudy . " Misty , it has been far too long " he said . As he kissed Misty 's hand , Ash butted in . " Oh Rudy , you remember Ash " said Misty . " Yeah , I 'm her husband " yelled out Ash . Rudy then congratulated them and walked off . Ash then said , " I still don 't like him . " That night , everyone gathered in a ballroom for a little reception party . Ash was talking to Watt . " Oh Ash , I 'm so glad to see you again " he said . Ash then asked Watt where Wattson was . Watt then said , " Well , a couple of years back , he got committed into a mental institution . The people of Mauville City were a little irritated with Wattson running around town with no clothes on . So I 'm the gym leader at Mauville . " Just then , a man came up to Ash and the group and asked if the young lady was named Misty . When Misty turned around and said she was , the young man then said , " Oh I 've been waiting a long time to meet you . Allow me to introduce myself , my name is Wallace . " Misty then recognized him for being a famous water - pokemon master . Just then , Misty 's sister 's Daisy , Violet , and Lily came up to Wallace and introduced themselves to him . " Oh my , I never knew you could be so handsome in person " said Daisy . As Wallace blushed by all of the compliments , Tracey started to sulk and said " Oh , I 've been trying to get with Daisy for years . What does she see in that guy anyways ? And what 's wrong with you Brock ? " Brock told him that he 's too excited to be near all of these girls . It feels so good that he feels like breaking out in song . Just then , Koga and Aya walk up to Brock . " Brock , I thought I recognized you " said Aya . " Aya , you 're looking good . And Koga , it 's good to see you " said Brock . Koga then replied , " I wish I could say the same thing . I had to quit the gym business once my eyes went bad . The laser - eye surgery seemed like a good idea at the time . But luckily , my daughter was able to take over and here she is . Brock , this is my daughter Janine . " Brock took one look at Janine and asked to make sure that Koga was totally blind . Just as Brock was getting his hand ready , Janine grabbed Brock 's arm and threw him clear across the room . Brock then landed on the ground and slid right into a pair of legs . He opened his eyes and all he can see was a giant rack . " Holy crap , those are the biggest things I 've ever seen " said Brock . Ash , Misty , and Tracey ran over to see if Brock was okay . Just then , they recognized Prima and instantly paid no attention to Brock . Suddenly , somebody called Brock 's name . When Brock looked up , he saw Lucy 's face . A little later , Ash was walking around and all of a sudden , he saw Tucker making out with Harley . Ash then screamed out , " Ah , it burns ! " In getting away from that site , he bumped into a lady . As he apologized , she said , " Oh no need to apologize . I 've heard about you Ash Ketchum . I 'm Karen . " Ash then recognized her as one of the Elite Four members . " Oh , well that 's nice . But I recognize you as a well - accomplished pokemon trainer . I never expected you to be this handsome " said Karen . Just then , Tracey saw Ash talking to Karen and said , " I wonder who Ash is talking too . WHOA BABY , SHE ' S HOT ! " He then ran over to them and pushed him out of the way . " Move Ash , you have Misty . Hi , my name is Tracey Sketchit . I 'm Professor Oak 's assistant " he said . Karen ignored Tracey and walked away . In another part of the room , Brock and Lucy were walking together getting reacquainted with each other . Lucy then invited Brock over to her place for some drinks . Later that n . . . To be continued tomorrow . . . Early that next morning , Brock drove over to Suzy 's house . When Suzy opened the door , she was shocked to see Brock . " Oh Brock , you know , I 'm really busy right now , so maybe you should come back later " said Suzy . Brock then told her that he really loves her and wants to be with her always . " Oh Brock , you 're so sweet " she said . Just as the two come in for a kiss , Zane came out from the other room and asked Suzy who was at the door . " Zane , what are you doing here " asked Brock . Zane told him that he 's seeing his girlfriend . " Huh ? So that 's why you kept breaking up with me " said Brock . Suzy then replied , " Wait Brock , it 's not what you think . You remember that Zane and I were a couple years back . Well when we broke up , you came into the picture . But during the time I spent with you , it made me missed Zane too much . " Brock then said , " So let me get this straight , you only dated me out of pity ? " Suzy told Brock to not look at the situation like that . Zane then snapped and pulled out a gun . " Zane , what the hell are you doing " Suzy yelled out . Zane then said , " I 'm sorry Suzy , this is the one way to get rid of that pest once and for all . " Brock then tried grabbing the gun away from Zane , both struggling to grab in possession . Zane pushed Brock down to the ground , but accidentally pulled the trigger and the bullet hit Suzy in the arm . Brock ran over to Suzy and Zane ran to the phone to call 911 . Brock then walked over to the other side of the room and picked up Zane 's gun . " This is your entire fault . You should know how dangerous guns are " said Brock . Zane then ran to the window and said , " Ah ha , now you touched the gun . So when the police search for fingerprints , they won 't find mine . " Brock then chased him out the window . All of a sudden , Zane disappeared and police sirens were going off . Brock quickly went into his car and fled the scene . As Brock continued driving and noticed that he was very close to Pallet Town . All of a sudden , his car breaks down . " Oh damn it , I 'm out of gas " he said . Suddenly , he starts to hear police sirens and realized that they were after him . Brock then left his car and began to run . He then realized that Tracey 's place wasn 't too far away , so he bolted there . When he reached to the place , Brock started banging on the door . Tracey then opened the door wearing a woman 's night gown . Brock gave Tracey a weird look and said , " Okay , why are you wearing a women 's night gown ? Never mind , I don 't want to know . Listen , you have to help me . The police are after me . " Tracey then took Brock to his car and they left . However , the two only got as far as to Viridian City , when the police set up spikes in the road . When they stopped , Brock and Tracey got out of the car and both of them got beat down to the ground by the police . At the police station , Brock and Tracey were put in separate cells . When Tracey went into his cell , he was getting " acquainted " with his new cellmate , Mondo . As Mondo gave Tracey a strange look , Tracey grabbed onto the bars and yelled to Brock to get him out of here . At Ash and Misty 's house , Ash was on the phone with Tracey . He asked Ash to bail him out of jail . " For the love of God , you 've got to get me out of here . My cellmate wants me to be his new wife " Tracey yelled out . Ash then asked Tracey why he was wearing a woman 's night gown . Tracey then yelled out , " It 's comfortable ! Is that a crime ? " Ash then told Tracey that he 'd be right there . Just as Ash hung up , Misty was heading out the door . When Ash asked Misty where she was going , Misty told him that she was heading to the Cerulean gym because her sisters asked her for a favor . " Well I better go bail Tracey out before he gets raped " said Ash . A little while later at the Cerulean gym , Daisy told Misty that she was so happy that she could make it on such short notice . Lily then said , " Yeah , we needed someone to play the mermaid since Violet broke her leg . Oh and before I forget , we brought someone special to play the prince . " When Misty asked who the prince was going to be , Wallace came out . " It 's a pleasure to work beside such a sweet and talented water trainer such as you Misty " he said . At the Viridian prison , Ash finally made it to bail Tracey out . When Tracey left his cell , Ash said , " Tracey , what the hell did you and Brock do ? " Tracey then told Ash that Brock went over to Suzy 's house and saw some guy named Zane there . Zane then pulled out a gun and accidentally pulled the trigger , hitting Suzy . So far , the police haven 't even put Zane under custody . Tracey then told Ash that he has to go to court in two days and speak . As the two left the prison , they bumped into Karen . " Well , well , well , if it isn 't Ash Ketchum and his … drooling friend Terry " she said . Tracey then said , " It 's Tracey , but I can be Terry if you like . " Karen then told Ash that she is helping out Nurse Joy by putting up fliers announcing the Pokemon League in the Kanto region . Ash then said , " Hmm … I don 't know . I mean I haven 't gone on a journey in a couple of years . Plus now I 'm a marriedTwo days later , it was the day of Brock 's trial . At the hospital , Misty and May were there visiting Suzy . But when they went to see her in her room , Suzy was trying to escape from her room . Misty and May stopped her and asked her why she was trying to escape . Suzy then said , " I have to go to that trial . It 's not Brock 's fault . " May saw some nurse outfits and came up with an idea . Misty and May were dressed in nurse outfits and are slowly pushing Suzy in the wheelchair . Suddenly , a real nurse noticed something was wrong and started going after them . The three then bolted and ran into their car . In the car , they turned on the radio and heard the following message , " Hello all , DJ Mary here giving you round - to - round coverage of the court case following Pewter City gym leader Brock on attempted murder charges . We 'll bring you more info when it becomes available . " At the court room , Brock came in , being escorted by two Officer Jenny 's . His lawyer then ran over to Brock and it happened to be James . " Wait a minute , James , you 're the lawyer the court gave me " said Brock . James then said , " Eek , don 't blow my cover twerp . Look , I need the money . So , let 's just let bygones be bygones and call me Gerald Stein . " A little later , Tracey was at the bench . He then said , " Well , I was sleeping and Brock came to my house and asked me to drive him away from the police . " Then the lawyer asked Tracey why he was wearing a woman 's night gown . " It was comfortable and it was a gift , do we have to make a federal case out of this ? Oh never mind " he said as he began crying . Just then , Brock and James were putting their hands over the heads and started to think that they were doomed . All of a sudden , a voice comes from nowhere and said , " Brock is innocent . " Just then , May and Suzy come through the door . As May sat down next to Ash , he asked her where Misty was . " Oh she 's in the bathroom . I don 't blame her , I was going pretty fast " said May . Suzy then approached the court and said , " Please Part Three : A couple of days later , May was over at Misty 's house . " Oh come on Misty , it couldn 't be that . Maybe you just caught the flu " said May . Misty told her that she doesn 't want to take any chances and so , she went into the bathroom . At Professor Oak 's lab , they had the television on . A news caster came on and said , " Early this morning , Zane , a well - known pokemon breeder was caught by the Celadon police . " Brock then shut the TV off and hoped that he got the electric chair . Ash then asked Professor Oak if it was wise of him to go on a new journey now . Tracey then said , " Well Ash , you haven 't been on a journey for a couple of years . But seeing as though you 're a married man now , I say you better run this idea past Misty first . " Ash then figured that it might work since the two of them don 't have such big responsibilities . Back at Misty 's house , Misty came out of the bathroom and told May that she was pregnant . May then said , " Oh my goodness I 'm so happy for you Misty . I bet your parents will be so proud . Come to think of it , I 've never even met your parents . " Misty then told May that her mother died when she was very young and her father abandoned the family sometime after . May then said , " Oh Misty , I didn 't mean to say anything to upset you . But I 'm sure Ash will be thrilled . " Back at the lab , Drew then asked Ash if he had any plans of having children . Ash then said , " Well , the thought has crossed my mind , but for the time being , I just like things the way they are with just me and Misty . " That night , when Ash came home , he told Misty that he had great news . Misty then said she had some good news as well , but told Ash to go first . Ash then said , " Well , I 've been thinking that it has been such a long time since I 've been on a journey . And since there 's going to be a Pokemon League competition soon , I was thinking that you and I should go on a journey just like old times . " Misty then said , " Gee a journey . Well that sounds great Ash , but … " Ash then butted in and said , " Oh I knew you would love the idea . Now what was the good news you were going to tell me ? " Misty then told Ash that it could wait . In Petalburg , May was breast feeding Rose when Drew came inside and said , " Hi honey , wait until I tell you of what … Oh God , do you have to do that in front of me ? " May told Drew to stop bugging her about the breast feeding issue . Drew then said , " Okay fine , I 'll drop it . Well anyways get this ; Ash is planning on going on a new pokemon journey . " May then snapped and yelled out , " What the hell is wrong with Ash ? He 's leaving Misty all alone in her condition . " Drew then told her that Misty was going to go with Ash on the journey . " But Misty can 't go because she 's preg … Oops " said May . Drew then asked May if Misty was pregnant . When May told him that he was , Drew said , " Oh man , Ash has been looking forward to going on a new journey for a long time now . But he can 't just leave Misty like that . " That next day , May came over to Misty 's house . She then asked Misty if she told Ash about the new baby . Misty then said , " I 'm sorry May , but I just wasn 't able to bring myself to tell Ash . I mean , after he told me about this new journey . " At Professor Oak 's lab , Drew came in the door and asked Tracey and Professor Oak if they saw Ash . When they said no , Drew asked if they talked to Misty . " Well , we haven 't spoken to Misty in a while . But Drew , what 's wrong " asked Tracey . Drew then said , " Alright look , I don 't want you leaking this out to Ash but , Misty is pregnant . " Just then , there was a knock on the door . When Tracey opened the door , he saw Ash standing outside . " Ash , what are you … I mean , what brings you here " asked Tracey . Ash told Tracey that he wanted to decide what pokemon he wants to take with him . Professor Oak then went over to Ash and said , " Um Ash , what did Misty say when you told her about the new journey ? " Ash then told them that she seemed thrilled about the idea . " You know , that seems a little hard to believe " said Drew . Tracey then said , " Ash , I 'm ashamed of you , abandoning your own wife for Christ sake . " Ash then told them that he wasn 't abandoning her and that she was going to come with him . Tracey then said , " What kind of idiot would drag his pregnant wife on a pokemon journey with them ? " When Tracey realized what he just said , Ash turned around and said , " What did you just say ? " Tracey then stuttered a bit and told him that he said nothing . " Yes you did Tracey . Are you trying to say that Misty is pregnant " Ash asked . Drew then said , " Well , I heard from May that she was . So I 'm guessing that it is true . " Ash then went to the door and said , " If you guys will excuse me , I 'm going to go for a walk . " A little later in the day , Tracey went over to see Misty . " Tracey , what are you doing here " asked Misty . Tracey then said , " Look Misty , I have to tell you something important . You see , I heard from Drew , who heard from May that you were pregnant . Well , when I found out , Ash came in and I … well … I accidentally told Ash that you were pregnant . " Misty then gave a frustrated groan and started to break down in tears . Tracey then went over to her and told her not to cry . Misty then said , " You don 't understand Tracey . Ash was just so excited about this new journey . He would always tell me that he would go back on a pokemon journey . And now , this has to happen . " Tracey then told Misty that in order for Ash to know how she really felt , she has to talk to him . " Thank you Tracey , you 're such a good friend " said Misty . Near a little lake , Pikachu looked sadly at Ash . Ash then picked up Pikachu and said , " Oh Pikachu , it feels like only yesterday I started my first journey with you and I met Misty . Now just look at us , we 're married and going to have a baby in a couple of months . I don 't know what to do anymore . " Ash then heard his name being called . When he turned around , Ash saw Misty behind him . She then asked him if he was okay . Ash then said , " Oh I 'm okay . Listen Misty , I had to do a lot of thinking and have decided to stay here in Pallet Town . I will be there for you if you need anything . " Misty was so happy that she started crying and hugged Ash . Posts 3 , 595 I love this story ! Brock 's trial was unexpected , and I enjoyed it when they declared Zane guilty . And May with a child and Misty pregnant ? I can 't wait for the next chapter , I wonder what the baby will be named ? I also did not expect Harley doing it with Tucker . Great job so far ! Posts 7 , 268 Oh thank God , there are posts ! I would have really hated to double post . Well anyways , thank you all for the comments . I will be putting up a new part up every night . About a couple of months have passed and Misty is starting to show . One morning , her sisters Daisy , Violet , and Lily came by the house for a visit . Daisy came inside and said , " Oh sis , we 're here . Oh my God , you 're as big as a house . " Misty then glared at Daisy . Daisy then told Misty that she needed some help . Lily then said , " You see , Daisy is going to enter the Miss Kanto beauty pageant . And we need some help . " Misty couldn 't believe that her sisters were asking for her help . " Well , we figured that you wouldn 't be using some of the dresses for a while " said Daisy . After Daisy said that , Misty started to even wonder why she should help her . Violet then said , " Well you see , first prize is one thousand dollars and we were thinking of giving it to you and Ash . " At Brock 's house , Ash and Gary were over there . Brock then said , " I am so excited to be a judge at the Miss Kanto Beauty Pageant . All of the best beauties the Kanto region has to offer . " Gary then said that Brock and Professor Oak were so lucky to be a judge . " By the way Brock , how does Suzy feel about you being a judge in the beauty pageant " asked Ash . Brock then told Ash that Suzy was the third judge of the pageant . A couple of days pass and it was the night of the Miss Kanto Beauty Pageant . " Thanks for helping out May " said Misty . May told her that it was such a generous thing her sister was doing and so was happy to help out . As the girls walked out of the dressing room , May gave a strange look as she saw someone walking by . " Harley , is that you " she asked . Harley turned around and said , " Harley ? Who 's Harley ? My name is Hannah . " Harley then grabbed May and spoke with her quietly . Harley then said , " Please May , I know we haven 't really gotten along , but I 'm begging you to keep it quiet . I 'd like to win the money so Tucker and I can have the best wedding . " May then turned back around to the group and said , " Oh sorry , my mistake . It 's nice to meet you Hannah . " The pageant began and Contesta came out as the host of the show . " Welcome one and all to the Miss Kanto Beauty Pageant brought to you in part by … Tampax Pearl . The one , the only , Tampax . I think a little piece of me just died . Um … Moving right along now , let 's meet our contestants . And here they are . " All of the contestants then came out and included : Miss Celadon Erika , Miss Vermillion ( Nurse ) Joy , Miss Viridian Jessie , Miss Saffron Hannah ( Harley ) , Miss Cerulean Daisy , and Miss Fuchsia Janine . Brock then started to drool an awful lot and Suzy then said , " Do you need bib Brock ? " During the talent competition , Janine was up . " So Janine , what is your talent " asked Contesta . Janine then grabbed Brock 's arm and flipped him onto the ground . " Well I guess you can say that I 'm a Karate master " said Janine . Professor Oak then leaned over to Suzy and asked her if she was going to help him . " Nope , this hurts me more than that hurt Brock " she said . In the audience , May asked Misty what Daisy 's special talent was . Misty told May that she was a dancer . " These chumps haven 't seen anything yet until they 've seen Daisy dance " said Lily . When it was Daisy 's turn , some pop music came on and Daisy danced up a storm . " Wow , you guys were right , she is good " said May . Lily then said , " I told you . Daisy has got this competition in the bag . " Later in the competition , the competition was down to the last three contestants , Jessie , " Hannah " and Daisy . Contesta then asked Jessie to come and ask a few questions . As Jessie walked over , Harley started to glare at her . " Now Jessie , what would you do if you are given the title of Miss Kanto " asked Contesta . Just then , Harley ripped off Jessie 's dress , which revealed a penis . " Holy crap , Jessie 's a man " yelled out Ash . " Yes , I 'm a man . And I 'm not Jessie , I 'm James " he said . Harley then said , " As you can see , this is no woman . He faked his way into the contest . " James then said , " You don 't understand , Jessie ordered me to be in this contest . After all , it is my fault that I knocked her up and now she 's eight months pregnant . Oh , she 's going to kill me . " Harley then told Contesta to go on with the contest . May snapped , stood up , and yelled out , " Hold it Hannah , or should I say Harley ? Contesta , that is not a woman either . " Contesta then disqualified both James and Harley and declared Daisy the winner of the Miss Kanto Beauty Pageant . Oh yeah . Review time . Sorry ' bout that . . . Nice story so far . There 's a nice wide array of couples to choose from , and it 's all quite amusing . ^.^ That part about the contest 's sponser was very funny ! Of course , I wanted to smack Haruka - aisai in this latest chapter , but I digress . . . The only issue I have is the spacing . It 's not a huge deal , but there technically should be a new paragraph for each line of dialouge . For example , instead of : " Hi ! " greeted Bob . " Hello ! " Mary replied . Blah blah blah enter random junk here . " Bye ! " said Bob . " See ya ! " Mary replied with a wave . " Hi ! " greeted Bob . " Hello ! " Mary replied . Blah blah blah enter random junk here . " Bye ! " said Bob . " See ya ! " Mary replied with a wave . That makes it much easier to read so people won 't get lost in large paragraphs . It doesn 't take away from your story of course . I still like it ~ = 3 A couple of weeks pass by after that and Ash and Misty are preparing for their little bundle of joy . One day at Professor Oak 's lab , he and Tracey were cleaning up the place . All of a sudden , there was a knock on the door . When Tracey opened the door , he saw Karen on the front steps . " Oh , uh , Karen , what a pleasure it is to see you . Please , please , come in " said Tracey . As he and Karen sat down , she asked Tracey how Ash was doing on his journey . Tracey then said , " Oh Ash isn 't going on any journey . He decided not to go on a pokemon journey after all . " Karen then gave an angry look and then asked where Ash could be . Tracey then said , " Well he lives at this address . I 'm guessing that he 's home around this time . But enough of that tell me , would you consider going … Oh , she 's gone . " Outside of Ash 's house , Ash was doing some training with Pikachu . After Pikachu finished off an Iron Tail attack , Karen came out and noted that Pikachu was very strong . " Karen , what brings you here " asked Ash . Karen then said , " Well , I was in the area and I checked in with that little friend of yours , Tracey . He told me that you weren 't on a journey . So what happened ? " Ash told her that he decided to stay here and take care of Misty . Karen started to give another angry look , but then smiled and asked Ash to come to her place for some drinks and to come alone . That night , Ash arrived at Karen 's place . As Ash took a few sips from his drink , Karen put her hand on his thigh and told him that she loves him . Ash then spit out his drink and asked what she just said . Karen then said , " I said I love you Ash Ketchum . I 've loved you since I first saw you at Pryce 's funeral . But please , don 't speak . I know that you are married , but I want you to make love to me , right now . " And with that , Karen unzipped her dress . As her dress hit the floor , Ash fainted . When he came to , he noticed that he was tied to the bed with all of his clothes off . " What the hell is going on " asked Ash . Karen then said , " Why that was the most fun I 've had in years . And yes we did do it Ash Ketchum and I have a nice picture to prove it . Now if you don 't want your precious Misty to find out about your little secret , I want you to do something for me . " Karen then whispered her demands in Ash 's ear . The next afternoon , Misty 's sisters were over to help Misty . She was worried because Ash left the night before and didn 't return . " Don 't worry Misty , I 'm sure Ash will be back soon " said Daisy . " And don 't worry , Violet is taking care of dinner " Lily said . Tracey then went over to Daisy and asked her if she 'd like to go out with him . " Tracey , I don 't think now is a good time to ask me out . I 'm trying to comfort my baby sister " said Daisy . Just then , there was a knock at the door and it was Brock and Suzy . " Hi Daisy , have you seen Ash " asked Brock . As Misty began to cry , Tracey told him that Ash hasn 't been here in over a day and is making Misty very moody . Brock then said , " Uh , hey Misty , you know I didn 't mean anything … Uh , oh , why do I even bother ? " Just then , Ash came through the door . " Ash Ketchum , where have you been " asked Misty . She then started to cry and wondered why Ash doesn 't love her anymore . Ash then stopped Misty in the middle of her mood swing and said , " Whoa Misty , hold it there . I know things have been really rough on you . I mean , you have raging hormones , worse than before . But the point is I 'm sorry I wasn 't here last night and that I made you worry . " Misty then told Ash she was sorry for yelling at him . Just then , Violet came in and told them that dinner was ready . " And don 't worry , there 's plenty for everybody " she said . As everyone sat down , Tracey noticed Ash pulling out Misty 's chair . Tracey then pulled out Daisy 's chair . " That 's so sweet of you Tracey , just don 't let it go to your head " she said All of a sudden , the doorbell rang . When Ash opened the door , he started to scream , as he saw Karen on his front steps . " Karen , what are you doing here " he whispered . Karen then said , " Well I was in the neighborhood and I thought I should pop in for a visit . " Tracey then noticed that Karen was here , so he ran over to her and asked her to stay for dinner . " Well thank you , um … Tracey , I think I 'll take you up on At the dinner table , Tracey was complimenting Karen on how good she looks . As Karen brushed him off , Daisy started to glare at her . " So Misty , I see that you 're … expecting your first child with Ash " Karen said . Misty then said , " Yup , in less than five months , Ash and I will have our own baby . " Karen then said , " How sweet . I guess good men are hard to find . " Just then , Tracey started to smile at her . Karen then turned to Ash and said , " Ash , do you have a suggestion for my predicament ? " Ash then asked if he could have a private word with her . In the other room , Ash asked Karen if she could just leave and not return . " Not a chance Ashy boy . Besides , I still haven 't told your precious wife about our intercourse " she said . Just then , Tracey came through the door and yelled out , " You had sex with Karen ? " All of a sudden , everyone at the table gasped and ran to the other room . " Is it true Ash ? Did you really sleep with Karen " Misty asked . Tracey then said , " But , but , but , Karen doesn 't like you , she likes me . " Karen told Tracey that she never liked him . Just then , Daisy snapped and said , " Now listen here you home - wrecker . Tracey is the nicest boy anyone could ask for . But all I saw tonight was you belittling him . And you know what I don 't appreciate you hurting my friends or destroying my little sister 's marriage . Now please leave this house and never return you little * * * * * . " As Karen left , Misty went to her room , locked the door , and started crying . Brock then said , " I think we should all leave right now . Um , thanks for dinner Ash and good luck . " As they left the house , Tracey went to Daisy and thanked her for sticking up for him . " Oh don 't mention it Tracey . I just hated seeing the way she treated you " said Daisy . Tracey then asked her if this time , she 'd go out with him . Daisy then replied , " Yeah sorry Tracey , but I don 't date guys who like wearing women 's night gowns . But don 't worry , somewhere out there , a girl will like you for you . Don 't give u . . . To be continued . . . About a month later , Misty was over at May and Drew 's place . Misty was clinching a brown envelope , as it contained the results of what sex the new baby was going to be . " May , I 'm too nervous to open this . Please could you open it for me " asked Misty . May then said , " Hey look , this is your kid not mine . I have my own … Okay fine I 'll open it for you . " Just as she was opening the envelope , there was a knock at the door . When May opened the door , Harley came in . " Oh May , I 'm in such a predicament . I need your help with my wedding " he said . May then asked Harley why she should even help . Harley then said , " Do keep in mind May that it was your big mouth that had me disqualified from that beauty pageant and losing the thousand dollars as well . So , I want you to help me with my wedding . " May sighed heavily and told him she 'll help . Misty offered to help Harley as well . As they were planning , Rose started to cry . " Oh damn it , Misty I have to check on the baby . Misty could you continue helping Harley " May asked . " Oh don 't worry I 'll help " Misty said . As May picked Rose up , the doorbell rang . When May opened the door , she saw Robert on her porch . " Robert , I haven 't seen you in a while . Do you want to come in " she asked . Robert then said , " Oh May , I wanted to see you for a long time now . Is this your child May ? It 's such a cute child . " May then told Robert to take a seat on the couch while she put Rose down for a nap . Robert then got up and lowered down the lights in the room . When May returned , Robert took May by the hand . " Um , Robert what are you doing " she asked . Robert then said , " Oh sweet May , how I 've longed to embrace you like this . " Just as May was going to tell him about her being married to Drew , she then blushed and the two go in for a romantic kiss . Back in the kitchen , Harley and Misty were wondering why May was taking so long . When they opened the door , they saw Robert and May kissing each other . They then quickly closed the door . " Did I just see what I thought I just saw " asked Misty . Harley then said , " I can 't believe she 's with another guy . Poor Drew . " As Misty continued to watch the drama unfold , Harley opened Misty 's brown envelope , thinking it was one of the papers he brought . " What the hell , this isn 't … Hey Misty , it says here you 're having twins " he said . Misty then turned around and asked Harley what he just said . He then said , " It 's just what I read . It says it right here in black and white that you are having twins . " May then pushed Robert away and told him to leave the house . After Robert left , May went back into the kitchen . Harley then got out of his seat and yelled out , " You hussy ! I can 't believe you actually did that . " Outside , Robert was walking away from the house crying . Just then , Tucker was walking to the house and saw the sad coordinator . When Tucker asked what was wrong , Robert screamed out , " I was turned down by the one I truly love . " Just then , Tucker started to get mad . He then marched to May 's door and started banging . This time Harley opened the door and saThat night , May was in the bed with a worry look on her face . As Drew came into the room , he went over to May and kissed her . He then noticed May looked worried . " May , what 's the matter " he asked . May then told Drew that nothing was wrong and that she was just very tired . Meanwhile near the Battle Dome , Tucker was crying . All of a sudden , he heard his name being yelled out . When he opened the window , he saw Harley with a bouquet of roses . He then said , " Tucker , please hear me out . Robert is straight . He loves May not me . You know that you 're my one and only . " Tucker then jumped from his window , landing on the ground . He told Harley that he just couldn 't stay mad at him and the two started to kiss . That next morning in Pallet Town , Ash was sitting down for some breakfast . Misty then said , " I hope you enjoy the breakfast I made just for you . I made two eggs , with two pieces of bacon , and two slices of toast . " As Ash ate his breakfast , Misty asked him if he noticed a theme to the breakfast . " Mmm … Nope don 't see anything " he said . Misty then said , " Right , I forgot how dense you can be . I might as well get this over with . Ash , I got something from the doctor yesterday and well , we 're going to have twins . " Ash then got up and said , " Oh that sounds great honey . Well , I 'm going to go outside . " Just then , Ash started screaming and then fainted . Tracey then came inside . " Hi Misty , I just came to see if you had some extra sugar and … Oh … What the hell did you do to Ash " asked Tracey . Later that day , Harley was trying out his wedding dress at May 's place . " So what do you think May " he asked . May then said , " Gee , and I thought I looked bad in a wedding dress . " Just then , Drew walked in and saw Harley in a wedding dress . " Oh my God , May I will never nag you about breast feeding again " he said . Harley then said , " Well at least I 'm not nine months pregnant in my wedding dress … May . " As May glared at him , the doorbell rang . When she opened the door , she saw Robert with a bouquet of flowers . " Robert , what the hell are you doing here ? Drew is in the other room for Christ sake " she said . Just then , Drew and Harley came in to the room . " Robert , I haven 't seen you in a long time . What are you doing here " asked Drew . May then butted in and said , " Oh Robert was just on his way out . He 's … um … on his way to a funeral . Yeah , that 's it . " Robert then handed May the bouquet and apologized for his behavior yesterday . Drew then asked May what happened yesterday . As May stuttered , Tucker came through the door . He then said , " Oh , this is worse than I thought . Harley , I can 't believe you anymore . You 're going to elope with this , this … pretty boy ? " As Tucker started crying , Harley tried stopping his tears . " Tucker honey , Robert is straight . I 'm sorry I just can 't get into a man who beats me three times in a row at a contest . Besides , he loves May not me . Oops , sorry about that May " he said . Drew turned to May and asked her if what Harley said was true . Robert then came in and said , " Well you see , it wasn 't May 's fault . If you should be mad at anyone , it should be me . You see , I didn 't know that you two were married and so I wanted to declare my love for May . I 'm sorry for all of the grief I caused you all . " As Robert left the house , Harley and Tucker were making out . A couple of days later at Harley and Tucker 's wedding , Ash , Misty , May , Drew , and Brock were sitting in the audience . As the ceremony went on , May asked Drew if he was still mad abou . . . To be continued . . . About two months later , Tracey and Misty were in a car heading to the Cerulean gym . " Thanks for driving me to the gym Tracey " said Misty . Tracey said he was happy to do the chore since he 'll be seeing Daisy again . Misty then said , " Tracey , you know that Daisy has been turning you down for years . Just give it up . " At the gym , Daisy , Lily , and Violet came outside to greet them . " Oh Misty , I 'm so glad you 're here and … Good Lord , you 've gotten big . And Tracey … Okay , Misty , why did you bring Tracey ? Why " Daisy asked . Misty explained that Ash and Brock were busy and Tracey insisted . Lily then said , " I know it 's a lot to ask of you but , we need someone to sell tickets for tomorrow 's water show . We need someone to sell tickets , so that we can get ready to perform . " Tracey then volunteered to help . " Well then , I better call Ash and tell him that I 'll be staying here for the night " said Misty . When they went inside , Misty was greeted by Wallace . " Misty , it 's been a while since I 've seen you " he said . Daisy then stepped in and said , " Hold on there Wallace , Misty is happily married , as you can see by the size of her stomach . " Misty then yelled at Daisy to stop poking at how big she is . Wallace then looked at Tracey in a weird way and said that he recognized him . " Now I know where I 've seen you before . About a year ago , I saw a picture of you making out with another guy " he said . Tracey then fell to the ground and started sulking . That next day , Misty and Tracey were sitting at a table selling tickets for the show . All of a sudden , Misty went into complete shock . When that happened , a man walked up and asked Misty how she was . " I 'm fine " she said . As the man walked away , Tracey asked Misty if she knew that man . Misty replied , " That was my father . " During intermission , Misty 's father came over to her to talk to her . " Oh Misty , I haven 't seen you in so many years . Honey , I apologize for being so very distant with you and your sisters . I see you guys really took good care of the gym " he said . As the two were talking , Tracey was watching from a distant . Just then , Misty 's father turned around and Tracey fell down . " Uh , hi Misty , I was just seeing if you were alright " he said . Misty then said , " Oh don 't worry , I 'm fine . Tracey , this is my … father , Clint . " Clint then asked her if Tracey got her pregnant . Misty then told him that Tracey was just a friend . She then brought out a picture of Ash to show her father . After the show was over , Wallace and Misty 's sisters came out . Misty then told them that someone special came to the show . As Clint came out , Lily and Violet gave a sad look . Daisy then walked up and said , " Well you certainly have some nerve coming back after all of these years . I can 't believe you would actually … Ah ! I have nothing more to say to you . " So she walked away . Lily , Violet , and Misty then decide to go after Daisy . As they were walking , Lily asked Misty if she was feeling alright . " I 'm fine , really I am " said Misty . " Are you sure , I mean none of us have seen Daddy in years " said Lily . Back near the front entrance , Clint decided that he should go . After Clint left , Wallace asked Tracey what was going on . Tracey then said , " Well , Misty only told me the story once . You see when Misty was at a very young age , her mother died . Soon after , her father left , leaving Daisy to watch over the gym and her sisters since she was the oldest of the sisters . " Misty , Lily , and Violet were A little later , Tracey dropped Misty off at her house . " Are you sure you 're going to okay Misty " Tracey asked . Misty told Tracey that she was fine . When Misty came inside , Ash greeted her and offered her a nice backrub . As Misty sat down , she started asking Ash some questions . " Ash , are you sure you 're going to be an equal partner in taking care of the twins ? Or am I going to have to take care of the twins all by myself " she asked . Ash then said , " Whoa , where is all of this coming from ? " Misty then yelled out , " I knew it I 'm going to be all alone . I knew I couldn 't rely on you . " Misty then went off into her room . Ash then looked confused and was wondering what the hell just happened . That night , Ash entered the room and saw Misty crying . " Misty , I want to know what 's been bothering you " said Ash . Misty then said , " Well , while Tracey and I were selling tickets at the gym , my , my , my … father came . You see , I haven 't seen my father since I was five years old . I 'm just worried that I 'm going to have to take care of my children all alone . " Ash then put his arm around Misty and said , " Misty , you don 't have to worry about that . I vowed that I would be there for you and for my children . Don 't forget , you have me , your sisters , Brock , Tracey , Professor Oak , and so many people who care about you . " Misty then apologized to Ash for snapping . The next morning as Misty was eating some breakfast there was a knock on the door . When she opened the door , she saw Clint on the front steps . " Dad , um , what are you doing here " she asked . He explained that he got directions from Nurse Joy of Cerulean to the house . Misty then asked him to stay for dinner . " I would love to come back here for dinner " he said . After Clint left , Misty decided to get an early start on making dinner . A little later that day , Ash and Brock came inside and saw Misty rushing around the kitchen . Ash then ran over to Misty and said , " Honey , you shouldn 't be running around like that in your condition . Here lie down and rest . " Misty then told Ash that she just can 't rest right now since her father was coming for dinner tonight . A couple of hours later , Misty put the finishing touches on her meal . " Well , I guess we should be heading out so that you can have some alone time with your father " said Brock . Misty then stopped Ash and Brock and told them to stay so that they could meet Clint . So Ash , Misty , and Brock waited for Clint to show up . Three hours went by and there was still no show of Misty 's father . " I don 't know what could have happened . I mean , he promised he was going to be here . He , he , he … he stood me up " she said . Misty then went in her room and began crying . Ash and Brock decided to take a drive over to Cerulean City . When they arrived at Cerulean , Ash went over to the Pokemon Center and Brock went over to the gym . At the gym , Lily greeted Brock . " Oh Brock , what are you doing here ? Oh dear , something is wrong . What happened to Misty " she asked . Brock told Lily that Clint came by the house and made plans to have dinner with each other . But , Clint never showed up and it really upset Misty . Lily then put her hand over her head and said , " Poor Misty . I can 't believe she had to go through all of that . " Just then , Ash ran inside and said , " I just talked to Nurse Joy . She told me that Clint left town . Oh gee , Misty is going to be heartbroken . " L . . . To be finished tomorrow . . . Posts 7 , 268 Well , this is the last chapter and I hope you all enjoy it . I want to thank all of you for posting your reviews on my fic especially you AM2K . You have been there through all of my fics . I 'm working on a couple more fics ( that are away from this fic ) but who knows when they 'll be finished . Now that I 'm busy with school and a social life again , well who knows . Well anyways , thank you all ! Two more months pass by and Misty is about a couple of days late . Meanwhile , everyone else was getting ready for Professor Oak 's birthday . Tracey and Gary were planning a big party for him . The day of the party , Brock and Suzy were getting ready to go to Oak 's lab . All of a sudden , a breaking news report came on . " We are live in front of the Celadon City prison where there was a break out late last night . Zane , a former pokemon breeder , who was convicted of shooting his ex - girlfriend Suzy . " When that was heard , Suzy and Brock were in complete shock . " Oh no Brock , now that Zane escaped he 's going to come after us . We have to get out of here right now and find a place to hide " said Suzy . A little later at Oak 's lab , Tracey and Gary were putting up the finishing touches for the party . Just then , there was a knock on the door . When Tracey opened up the door , Brock and Suzy rushed inside . Brock then said , " Tracey , you 've got to hide us . Zane escaped from prison last night and we need a place to hide out for a while . " Tracey and Professor Oak were happy to help out in any way . A little later , Ash and Misty arrived . Tracey then asked Misty how she was . " Well I 've just been really tired of hauling this thing around , but the doctor told me it might be a couple of more days before anything happens " she said . As more and more guests arrived , it began to snow outside . A little later into the party , Gary was talking to Tracey . " Say Tracey , you know Misty 's sisters right ? Well , what are the chances of you hooking me up with one of those beauties " he asked . Tracey then said , " I don 't know , I 've been trying to get with Daisy for years and no luck . But maybe you 'll have better luck with one of the sisters . " Gary then went over to Daisy , Lily , and Violet to properly introduce himself . " Hi ladies , I don 't think we 've really met . I 'm Gary Oak , Professor Oak 's grandson " he said . Just then , the sisters huddled up and had a private chat with each other . Violet then went over to Gary and said , " It 's very nice to meet you Gary . I 'm Violet . " As Gary and Violet left the area , Lily asked Daisy if they made the right decision . " I think we made the right decision Lily . Now , we can have Wallace all to ourselves " she said . Lily then said , " Well , Wallace will be mine . You can have Tracey . " In another part of the party , Ash was looking for Misty . As he continued walking , he saw May and Drew making out . " Oh for God sake , you two are married now with a kid " said Ash . May then said , " Hey , do you mind ? We never interrupt you and Misty . " Ash sighed and then asked May if she could help find Misty . " Okay , I 'll help you look for her " said May . Meanwhile , Delia was then looking out the window and noticed that it was snowing very hard . Gary then went back over to Tracey to tell him that one of the sisters likes him . " That 's great Gary , which one likes you " Tracey asked . Gary snapped and didn 't know which one likes him . " I don 't know . All three of them look the same . I don 't know which one is Violet . Uh oh , I better not screw this up " he said . All of a sudden , the power went off in the room . Tracey was then able to find a candle and some matches , so there was at least some light in the room . Just then , everybody got tied up together . All of a sudden , the light came back on and everyone saw Zane . In another room , May was searching for Misty . Just then , a door opened and Misty came out . " Oh hi May , I was just in the bathroom " she said . May then said , " Oh thank goodness . I got a little worried when the power went off . Now let 's get back to the party , Ash was worried about you . " When May opened the door , she saw Zane and everyone else tied up and quickly closed the door . " It 's Zane , what the hell is he doing here " May asked . Just then , May started to hear some splashing sound . " Oh crap , Misty please tell me you 're not going into labor " May asked . Misty then said , " You know my water just broke . Why me ? Why now ? " As Misty started to scream out in pain , May covered her mouth and said , " Oh come on Misty , hold it in . We can 't let Zane know we 're in here . " Back in the other room , Suzy was begging Zane to stop all of this now . Zane then said , " I wish it were that simple my dear Suzy . It 's time for me to set things right . " He then pulled out his gun and pointed it at Brock . " Please Zane , don 't do this and make things worse " said Suzy . Back in the other room , May was watching all of the action through a crack in the door . While Misty did her breathing on the floor , May brought out her Venusaur . " Okay Venusaur , I want you to use your vine whip to get that gun away from Zane " she said . Venusaur 's Vine Whip was able to take the gun from Zane 's hand and brought the gun into May 's hands . " Ah ! I don 't want this " she said , as she put the gun on a high shelf . May then got Venusaur to do a Sleep Powder attack to put Zane to sleep . May then ran over to everyone to untie them . She then went over to Ash and said , " Ash , we have a problem . Misty 's water broke ; she 's going to have the baby right now . " After Ash got untied , he ran into the other room to be by Misty 's side . Drew then went over to the phone to call the hospital , but there was no dial tone . Daisy then remembered that she has a cell phone , so she called the hospital and then called the police to takDENTO - FRUIT |
The end of the year flew by . My " under the weather " pun costume for Halloween turned out to be a bad omen , as I dealt with medical problems for a good chunk of time after that . Nasty kidney stone , critically - low potassium , a cold , and then the flu . I had been given tickets for a Red Wings game , but I was too sick to go . At least my husband and his friend made sure the tickets didn 't go to waste , and my husband was kind enough to bring me home some of my favorite pizza . I didn 't get to do nearly as much as I wanted for Christmas . I did manage to get out all of my Christmas cards . One Vicodin and five hours allowed me to crank out over 80 cards . I knew I had to take advantage of having a stretch of time when I was feeling good . I don 't feel obligated to send out cards , but it 's one of my favorite traditions . I enjoy doing it and would be very disappointed if I were unable to do that . I also managed to get special cards and gifts for my immediate family . The one thing I really wanted to do this year was get gifts for everyone at work . This was the year I was going to hit the kitchen and hopefully get a little crafty . Unfortunately , all of my issues with illness made it impossible . I swear , this year every single co - worker and boss got me something . On a few occasions , I made a remark about how I felt bad and how embarrassed I was that I didn 't have anything to give . Everyone was kind and said something sweet to make me feel better . I appreciated it , but I sure hope I can pull something together for everyone next year . My son turned two last month . He is still too young to really get into the gift opening portion of Christmas , but that was actually kind of charming . I expect that next year he will be ready to shred wrapping paper as soon as he gets to the tree . It was a sweet and quiet Christmas . My flu had improved greatly by the holiday , and I actually felt good all day . I hope I 'll keep feeling good for 2015 ! I started dating Ernie in December 2004 . In February 2005 , he called and told me that he got a chocolate lab puppy and named him Buddy . I moved in with Ernie a couple months later , and Buddy became my puppy too . We celebrated all of his birthdays together , 1 through 9 . If Buddy were still with us , we would be celebrating his 10th birthday today . It is amazing how many things remind me of him on a daily basis . I still think of him several times a day , sometimes to the point of tears . He was unforgettable . There is a small mirror on the headboard of our bed . Buddy was playing on our bed one day when he suddenly turned to the mirror and saw his reflection for the first time . He seemed completely captivated by the handsome dog staring back at him . It was as if the world had stopped for a moment . Ernie and Buddy were in the driveway seeing me off to work one morning . As I drove down our road , I glanced in the rear view mirror and was shocked to see Buddy bounding down the road behind my car and Ernie way back in the distance , waving his arms frantically while running and yelling . 3 . Sticky Paws I had a feeling that Buddy kept jumping up on the counter to , as we call it , " counter cruise " for food or whatever else he could get into . I set up my digital camera to start recording video , placed it on the counter , and went outside . I came back in a couple minutes later and watched the video , which confirmed that Buddy was counter cruising . Hoping to bust him , I laid long strips of tape , sticky side up , along the edges of the kitchen counters . I went outside for a couple minutes and came back in to discover Buddy sheepishly walking around with lots of tape stuck to his front feet . That did help to deter him , but it didn 't stop him completely ( see # 4 . . . and # 5 ) . I baked some corn muffins to go with dinner and had them cooling in the pan on top of the stove . Chewie wanted to go outside , so I pushed the muffin pan all the way to the back of the stove . I figured they would be safe from any counter cruising that way . When Chewie and I returned , I was pleased to see the muffins were still there . Upon further inspection though , I discovered that the tops of all of the muffins had been nibbled off . Ernie 's family was staying with us , so we bought a 3 pound tub of Country Crock to ensure we 'd have plenty . While his family was having toast one morning , Buddy took advantage of them not being familiar with his sneaky ways and managed to get the tub off the counter . By the time he was discovered , half of the tub had been eaten , and his whiskers were slick with the spread . 6 . Furniture Tipping I was standing in the kitchen with my back to the living room when I suddenly heard a disturbingly loud thump . I turned around and was shocked to see Buddy on top of a now tipped over loveseat . He seemed pretty shocked too . He had jumped the loveseat several times in the past with no problem , but he obviously didn 't clear it this time . I made myself a sandwich one afternoon and decided to eat in the living room . I sat down in the loveseat with my plate and my drink . I twisted to the side to set my drink down on the end table and turned back around to see Buddy standing next to me , a corner of the top piece of bread in his mouth . He was slowly pulling it towards himself when our eyes suddenly locked . He stood frozen for a moment , like he didn 't know what to do . He then chose to suck the piece of bread into his mouth like a vacuum cleaner , chew it furiously , and run away . Ernie and I ordered a pizza , and I offered to pick it up . I brought Buddy along , since he always loved a car ride . When we got to the pizza place , I reminded him that he was supposed to stay in the backseat . He sat obediently as I walked across the parking lot . As soon as I entered the pizza place , I turned around to look out the window and saw Buddy instantly hop into the front seat . I was then informed that my pizza wasn 't ready because they had burned it and were making a new one , so it would be a few minutes . I sat to wait , watching Buddy out the window the entire time . He was gloriously going back and forth from back seat to front seat , over and over , constant motion . Once I got the pizza and stepped out of the building , Buddy saw me and dove into the backseat , where he sat as obediently as I 'd had left him . Even if he had been slick enough for me to not see him , the brown fur all over my seat and the drool on my steering wheel was a dead giveaway . Things that used to have no effect on Buddy started to bother him as he got older . He developed a fear of smoke later in his life . While camping , we were sitting around a fire with a group of friends while Ernie held onto Buddy 's leash . Everything was fine until the fire started getting really smoky . Panicked , Buddy took off for the camper door , which was behind Ernie . Still holding onto the leash , Ernie went flying backwards out of his camp chair . I was outside with Buddy , and it was time to go back in . I called him several times , but he was intently exploring and was ignoring me . To get his attention , I picked up a pretty good sized rock and threw it so it would land near him . The rock thumping on the ground caused Buddy to look up , so I called him again and turned around to head for the door . I waited on the porch for Buddy , who was running towards me . When he got to the porch , the huge rock fell out of his mouth , and he eagerly waited for me to throw it again . I put this list together this morning with the idea that I 'd finish it up this evening . During dinner , I told Ernie that I 'd put together a list of 10 Buddy memories and asked him to guess them . The first one he guessed was on the list , but then he said about five or six that hadn 't made the cut . We were laughing so hard and continued remembering many Buddy moments . I think this list could have easily been three times as long , but I 'm sticking with these ten . Last week , one of my friends said that she and her husband would be unable to use their Lions season tickets for Sunday . Their opponent ? The Green Bay Packers ! She said they were hoping to pass the tickets on to someone who could use them . I texted my husband to ask if he 'd like to go . He told me to take the tickets but to ask my dad ( also a lifelong fan ) if he 'd like to go . I really thought my dad would say no . My parents live three hours away and have made countless trips back and forth since Matthew has been born . Matthew recently started daycare full - time , which will reduce their number of trips here . They had actually just come to visit the previous weekend , so I expected my dad to be all sensible and reasonable and say that he really shouldn 't make the drive again . Our conversation went something like this when I called him : Cue major excitement ! It was crazy that such a huge event was going to be happening in less than a week . I 'm used to having at least several months of waiting for an event once I get tickets . I 've already held concert tickets for over a year before a show ( due to a postponement ) . To be able to get tickets on a Tuesday for a game on a Sunday was crazy . The game was incredible . Well , actually , the game was a bit disappointing , since the Packers lost . I think a more accurate statement was that the entire adventure was incredible . Being surrounded by fun and crazy fans , even for an opposing team , is an absolute thrill . Wearing our Packers gear made us easy targets for teasing , but that was part of the experience , and we rolled with it and had fun . We will also never forget the two extremely vocal Lions fans who sat behind us . Thanks to them , we have a lot of new phrases to use as inside jokes ! If I could change the outcome of the game , I 'd have the Packers win . However , there was something really great about being surrounded by ecstatic Lions fans and seeing their excitement over the home team 's win . I was even amused by the exuberance of the girl who ran up to me and knocked my cheesehead off . I will always remember this day . Last weekend I was able to do one of my favorite things : drive back to my hometown and stay with my sister . The last time I was able to do that was almost 2 years ago , when I was pregnant with Matthew . Matthew was once again with me , but of course he is a toddler now . I was slightly nervous about the two of us making such a huge trip . Our drive there on Thursday went super smooth , and he napped for a nice chunk of it . After crossing the Mackinac Bridge , we stopped in St . Ignace to fill up the car and grab some lunch . I specifically chose where to eat based on the view . Once we arrived at my sister 's , Matthew was immediately smitten with her dog and cats . Matthew had never spent time with cats before , but it was clear that it was love at first sight . I 'm also pretty sure that my sister 's dog , Rusty , gained about 10 pounds that weekend . He and Matthew were pretty much BFFs , especially when Matthew had food . " Rusty " is Matthew 's new favorite word . The three of us enjoyed some time together . We ate pizza , visited my sister 's co - workers on their lunch break so they could meet Matthew , ate some more pizza , and basically just enjoyed being together and playing with Matthew . Our parents joined the fun on Friday , along with their dog . My sister was also dog - sitting for her friend , so we had a really full house . It 's very clear that Matthew is an animal lover ! I am getting such a twinge to adopt a second dog . I know that wouldn 't be a wise move right now though . Saturday took us to Green Bay for a family reunion for my dad 's side of the family . It was Matthew 's first time meeting just about everybody . He was a little shy at first but definitely warmed up . The reunion was at my cousin 's house , and she has a beautiful home and yard . Matthew had a blast , and it was great to have fun with everyone . We were able to spend time with some relatives from my mom 's side of the family . One of my aunts had us over to our house and cooked dinner . She had a couple desserts , and we opted to give Matthew the least messy choice : angel food cake with Cool Whip . He loved it ! My aunt commented when I was a kid , I just called it Cool and would eat it with my hand . I 'm not surprised . Matthew also got awfully close to my aunt 's TV , but it was to watch the Packers , so I allowed it . We were able to visit my grandma ( my dad 's mom ) at her apartment afterwards . Matthew got ahead of me and ran down the hall and was rattling every single door handle he could reach before I caught up to him . Thankfully , they were all locked . Then it was back to my sister 's house for one last night . She graciously let Matthew and I have her bedroom so we could close the door at night to keep the kitties from jumping into Matthew 's pack ' n play and accidentally causing chaos . Her bed was crazy comfortable , and I slept great every night , except for the last one . The last night is always hard . I hate falling asleep because I know that when I wake up , it 's time to hit the road . Being realistic with vacation days I have left for the year , I 'm certain I won 't make it back until sometime next year . It 's always so hard to leave . The drive home went almost as nicely as the drive there , so I really can 't complain . My parents decided to take the long way home so they could drive through Michigan , so we left at the same time and traveled together for most of the trip . Mom rode in the backseat of my car to spend time with Matthew . He loved having her there . Matthew did awesome with all three ! We unfortunately experienced a lot of problems with our fifth wheel ( a leaking toilet , a blown out tire on the freeway , and a hole in the roof , to name a few ) . We also found out before we hit the road that my credit card number had been stolen . How lovely ! Fortunately , our credit card company was suspicious of the card activity and contacted us . The charges were at a local store that I shop at regularly , so I was really impressed that they were able to detect the fraudulent activity so fast . It was kind of funny because on our way up , Ernie had stopped to change a blown out tire on a horse trailer for two ladies . We had left feeling happy we could help and also thinking that maybe that would give us good karma for the weekend . Apparently not ! After Ernie finished changing our blown out tire , we continued on the freeway in silence for a little while . I could tell that he was also exhausted and in disbelief over how much stuff had gone wrong for us . I finally broke the silence by saying , " You know , someday we are going to look back at this weekend and laugh . " My dad 's side of the family is having a reunion later this summer , so Matthew and I will be taking our first road trip together to go back to my hometown . Aside from two of my cousins spending about 15 minutes with him , nobody on that side of my family has met Matthew . There seems to be a lot of excitement about him coming , and I 'm looking forward to having an adventure with him . When I make the trip by myself , I can make the drive in less than 9 hours . I make one pit stop to get gas , use the restroom , and grab a snack . My drives back home have always been about ( safely ) making the best time possible . I have no idea how the drive will be with a toddler in tow , but I know it 's going to be different . The drive will take longer . There will be more stops . Matthew will need diaper changes , drinks , snacks , and time to stretch his legs and burn off some energy . There are always such pretty and fun places that I blow past when driving home . I sometimes , think about stopping , relaxing , taking some pictures . Ultimately though , my desire to make good time wins , and I just keep driving . Last month , I received a recall notice in the mail for my car . It sounded minor , so I wasn 't overly concerned about taking care of it . I called the dealership and arranged to drop off my car Friday morning before work . They would then give me a shuttle ride to work and pick me up once my car was ready . After dealing with the service department , I was told to sit in the waiting area , and a shuttle driver would be there to get me shortly . A few minutes later , one of my co - workers called my cell phone . The girls at work knew I 'd been planning to hit the dealership and then grab a shuttle to the office , but she wanted to make sure I was fine and didn 't need a ride . I thanked her but declined , since the shuttle driver would be there soon . Pretty soon , a gentleman approached the waiting area and asked , " Did somebody need a shuttle ? " I said yes and stood up , informing him that I needed to get to work . I thought we were going to leave right then , but an elderly man who was also sitting in the waiting area suddenly announced , " I want to go home ! " The shuttle driver asked him if his vehicle was in for a repair or oil change . He replied that he his was in for the recall . The driver explained that the gentleman would need to speak with his service adviser to determine how long the repair would be , as a shuttle might not be necessary . The shuttle driver , seeming a little flustered , politely responded , " Well , that is my job . " He once again explained how shuttle service had to be coordinated with a customer 's service adviser . " Okay , let 's check ! " She got up from her seat , and we walked into the service area . I 've utilized the shuttle service for this dealership several times , and I have never had this happen . I was a bit frustrated because I was needing to get to work and getting held up by all of these people who just wanted to go home . It was pretty funny though , having all of these people announce one after the other that they wanted to go home . This seemed like such a novel idea to all of them . I don 't think most of them were aware that shuttle service was an option at the dealership . With such a group forming , a second shuttle driver was summoned . I ended up in the shuttle with the two elderly people who had been in the waiting area with me . My destination was the closest to the dealership , so mine was the first stop . My mom is constantly on the prowl for goodies for Matthew . She and my dad recently made an awesome score at a garage sale . They found several great books and puzzles . I 've been keeping track of Matthew 's book collection with an account at Goodreads . After adding this latest haul , his total number of books owned is at 179 . Several of those books were ones that my sister and I enjoyed when we were kids . I 'm glad our parents kept them all these years ! Ernie and I lived together for several years before we got married . We both pitched in financially but kept our money separate . He had bills he paid every month , I had bills I paid every month . Whatever money was left from each of our paychecks was our own respective business . I really didn 't buy anything too extravagant , but I did enjoy my disposable income . I spent many Tuesday lunch hours driving out to Best Buy to load up on new release CDs . I 'd eagerly peel the packaging off in my car and pop in a disc to begin listening while I cruised back to work . Every Saturday , I went to Barnes & Noble to load up on music magazines . I browsed other magazines and books too and usually found more things to purchase . On my way home , I 'd often stop for a strawberry pop . I loved going to the mall on Sundays . Sometimes I just window shopped , other times I left with things like a lipstick , a skirt , or some fancy cupcakes to share with Ernie . Last year , I only bought one CD . I also received one as a gift , so that doubled my haul . When I do leave Barnes & Noble with a bag , it 's usually filled with books for Matthew . I swear my heart rate increases when I enter the children 's book section , I could easily sift through books for an hour . It 's a magical place . Jack and Conor are two of my absolute favorites . My CD rack is filled with material of theirs . Well , my rack was before I packed my CDs up into empty diaper boxes to stow away in the basement to make more room in the house . Back in the day , I would have been at the store the day these discs came out . Now , I 'm just patiently waiting until I can get my hands on them to load onto my iPod . You 'd think I 'd just embrace digital releases by now , but I still love getting CDs . 3 . I love drinking out of mugs . For some reason , it seems more leisurely . I feel funny drinking anything but coffee or hot chocolate in a typical mug though . I think this Tervis mug would be great for any kind of beverage . 4 . Last winter , I often borrowed ( or , if you ask him , stole ) Ernie 's big , puffy slippers . I want my own pair for next winter . Until then , I 'd love a lighter pair of some cute slippers for lounging at home . 5 . Summer is beautiful , but I don 't handle heat well . This time of year , I 'm often pulling my hair back to help me keep cool . I tend to be pretty sloppy with my hairstyle when I 'm not at work because I 'm usually too hot to be bothered . This headband would be so fun for at home and running errands . I love reading short stories . My favorite time to read books is in bed before falling asleep . Usually , I shouldn 't be staying up too late , so to be able to complete a story start to finish in a small time frame is really satisfying . It 's also nice for those sad occasions where I put down a book and don 't pick it up again for a few weeks and then need to be refreshed on what the heck is happening . I had an oil change recently and was told that my brake pads and rotors were pretty worn and should be replaced . Tears in my eyes ( as there are any time large sums of money are requested ) , I texted Ernie with the info and the amount of the estimate . He simply replied , " Nope . " Yes , I did need those things replaced , but Ernie was able to buy the parts and do it himself , so it didn 't cost as much . Free labor ! I love having a mechanically - inclined husband . Matthew supervised the work . Last weekend , we got a few goodies from my cousin that her son had outgrown . One of them was an awesome wagon . Matthew and I had to take a couple of trips around the neighborhood . He had a blast ! Ernie took Chewie for a couple little trips too . She loves riding in the truck . On Sunday morning , I finally got to make biscuits and gravy for breakfast . I had bought pork sausage earlier in the month with the intention of cooking this favorite of Ernie 's for Father 's Day , and then I got sick . I guess it 's not fair to say that I made biscuits and gravy ; I made the gravy , and I threw frozen biscuits in the oven . We can 't all be Martha Stewart . I made barbecue beef patties and mashed potatoes for dinner , but Matthew pretty much just ate a little bit of the potatoes and then scarfed a bunch of watermelon . He 's so appreciative of my cooking . The sale was a lot of fun , and all we ended up not selling was some clothing and a baby monitor . We sold lots of clothing and bigger items like activity gyms , bathtubs , a swing , and a high chair . It made us a little sad to see some of the stuff go , but there is really no sense in keeping it . The atmosphere at the sale was wonderful though , and it made me really happy to see other people so excited about their purchases . Feeling some sadness about seeing an adorable little jacket of his get sold is eased by seeing the excitement of the person buying the jacket for their little one . I was exhausted after the sale . My poor mom had to drive home to Ohio right after , but I was fortunate enough to be able to go home and crash on the couch . Ernie kindly let me sleep but finally woke me up to get going to a graduation party . My co - worker 's daughter graduated high school and was having a big party at her house . A lot of my co - workers were there , and we had a really good time . Her house and yard are beautiful . Matthew loved running around the huge yard . He also enjoyed the food . He basically had a little bit of meat sauce , a bread stick , Goldfish , and cookies for dinner . So healthy . Matthew fell asleep on the way home , and then he of course got his second wind once we got home . After playing for a little while , he was ready for bed . Ernie and I watched some Breaking Bad on Netflix before we went to bed ourselves . On Sunday , I got grocery shopping out of the way , and then we hit the road to go to my cousin 's house . She lives about an hour and a half away and had kindly offered us a free tricycle , wagon , and basketball hoop that her son had long outgrown . Matthew has none of these things , and we have particularly been wanting a wagon , so we were obviously pretty excited . Another one of my cousins ( they are sisters ) was visiting from Green Bay with her husband and sons , so we got some bonus relative visiting . They had also never met Matthew before , so it was nice for them to see him . As we left , Ernie called his cousin who didn 't live too far away to see if she 'd be up for having us pop in for a visit . She agreed but admonished us upon arrival for not giving her more notice about our visit . She was not mad that we 'd shown up with little notice but said if she 'd known we were coming , she 'd have cooked us dinner and got Matthew presents from Toys R Us . She still managed to be quite the hostess . After we had called her , she quickly called to order pizza and salad . She also had some strawberries and mini eclairs and presented Matthew with a brand new Batman t - shirt . I was highly impressed ! None of that was necessary , but it was flattering and appreciated that she fussed over us . Matthew and I snoozed on the way home , although I 'm pretty sure I slept longer than he did . I used to never be a napper , but since having a kid , I sure do love naps now . Ernie mowed the lawn when we got home and then rode into town with Chewie to get some gas in the truck and pick up some Chinese for dinner . Now , it 's Monday morning . Where did the weekend go ? ? I 've been sick since last Thursday , which has obviously been a bummer . I used to rarely get sick , but now that I have a toddler , it 's hard to avoid the germs . Yes , I 'm blaming the kid . I 've been told that 's what they are for . Managing to go to work ( aside from wimping out and taking one half day last week ) has been about all I 've been able to do . Ernie has been doing most of the parenting duties , and I 've been alternating between sleeping and watching shows on Netflix . I 'm currently working my way through Breaking Bad , my show of choice after finally finishing Dexter recently . Not having cable really makes me behind on popular culture . I started watching Dexter back in December and was so excited about how awesome it was but kept it to myself to avoid becoming the butt of jokes . " When you 're done watching Dexter , want to put on powdered wigs and listen to records on my phonograph ? " I 'm starting to bounce back though . I still have a slight cough , but it no longer makes people get wide - eyed and instruct to me to stay away from them . That 's a definite improvement . I 'm having more energy to get stuff done at home too . My favorite daily chore happens after Matthew goes to bed . I 've pretty much turned our living room into a playroom , and I take great enjoyment in tidying up Matthew 's toys at the end of the day . I have a spot for everything . Certain toys go in certain containers . Any item missing , even a small puzzle piece , is hunted down with determination that can be borderline crazy to anyone present . But it makes me happy to bring him downstairs each morning to a nicely arranged play area with everything in its place and waiting for him . I know it will be destroyed in 10 seconds , but those first 9 seconds of him wandering around and deciding where to begin makes me happy . This task was kicked to the curb while I was sick . I laid on the couch and looked at the tornado of toys scattered throughout the room ( and spilling into adjacent rooms ) , but I just didn 't have it in me to pick up . It made me feel bad that when he woke up in the morning he didn 't have a nicely arranged area to dive into . Ernie regularly points out that Matthew probably doesn 't even care . I 'm willing to bet that Ernie is right . I care though . It makes me happy to spend a little time each night getting ready for our next day of fun . I 'm disappointed this morning because there are two items that are missing . One of them is a book , of all things . How does a book go missing ? We 're also missing a guy from the farm . I 've been scouring the house with no luck . I feel incomplete . Matthew , of course , is fine . I 'm clearly the only one troubled by this . It 's just so vexing ! Back before I even got pregnant , I would always feel a fluttery happiness when I 'd see the kids in the play area at the mall . I hoped I would be there with my kid someday , watching him or her laugh and play and have a good time . I 've been eager to take Matthew there for awhile . I had to run to the mall to pick out some greeting cards , so I thought it would be the perfect time to bring Matthew with and hit the play area . After Matthew patiently tolerated how long I took to dig through the cards at Hallmark ( I could easily blow an hour there ) , we made our way to the play area . I left the stroller by the entrance and took off our shoes . The play area was really crowded , and Matthew seemed hesitant . He was barely entering the play area and looked nervous . After a little encouragement , he cautiously began exploring . He didn 't like it if we were too far apart , so I pretty much hovered over him and probably looked like a really obnoxious helicopter parent . After about 10 minutes , Matthew seemed more relaxed and started to enjoy himself . He especially liked the slide . The first several times , he couldn 't make it up the steps by himself . The more he went down the slide though , the more hyper and excited he got . Pretty soon , he was having a blast and climbing the steps with little to no assistance . He was laughing , and I was able to back off a little . Soon , another kid ran over to the slide . He looked like he was about 7 years old and beyond the maximum height that was allowed for kids in the play area . He also had sneakers on , which was a no - no . I wouldn 't have minded his presence , but he went to the top of the slide where Matthew was sitting . The kid angrily yelled , " GO ! " and shoved Matthew really hard down the slide . Before I even had time to react , I was at least able to see that Matthew was okay . He went down the slide normally and wasn 't crying , but he did look really surprised . " Do not EVER touch him or yell at him AGAIN . " I didn 't yell , but it was obvious I was livid . The kid looked at me like I was a complete moron . A woman walked over , who I assumed was the kid 's mom . I figured she would apologize and scold her kid . There was no apology , but she did firmly tell her kid to be careful . I appreciated that . Then , in a very sarcastic tone , she said , " The babies are special , " before walking away . She didn 't say a word to me . A little girl had climbed up the the slide and was about to go down . The boy once again yelled , " GO ! " and pushed her down the slide . We 'd been in the play area for over half an hour , so I decided it was time for us to just go . Fuming , I picked up Matthew , and we left the play area to put on our shoes . While I was strapping Matthew into his stroller , tears filled my eyes . When I was in 1st grade , I was playing outside at recess on the big play structure known as the deck . There were poles that you could slide down to get off the deck . I reached out for a pole one day to go down but apparently wasn 't fast enough . A boy came up behind me , yelled , " GO ! " , and pushed me off the deck . I fell down to the ground . My recently skinned knees that were almost healed were ripped back open . Nobody saw it happen . I got up , quietly crying , and walked into the school to go to the office to find someone to help clean up my knees . My teacher was called to the office , and when it was just the two of us , she scolded me for playing too rough . I truly believe that my 1st grade teacher did not like me . Seeing that boy be mean to Matthew made me think back to my childhood . I endured years of bullying . One of my biggest fears for Matthew is that he gets subjected to the kind of bullying I experienced . One of the most important things for Matthew to learn is kindness . I think the only thing that would break my heart more than kids bullying him would be if he were a bully . I refuse to let that happen . I hope childhood years are kinder to Matthew than they were to me . At least I always had a good home and family . I promise he will always have that . On the first Saturday of every June , our little community goes nuts over Flag Day . It 's our big celebration of the year . The big events are the parade in the morning and the fireworks at night . It 's a small parade on a short route , but that doesn 't stop people from flocking in for the fun . Sometimes , I get sad that I don 't live in my hometown anymore because I wish Matthew could experience things that I grew up with on a regular basis . This is his hometown though , and I think the annual Flag Day festivities will be part of his childhood that he will fondly remember as an adult . Posted by I 've worked the same job in the same office for 8 and a half years . Way back when I was being interviewed for the job , it was made very clear to me that this position was not a stepping stone to bigger things ; this was it . There would be nowhere to advance . Some people might have been immediately turned off , but it was music to my ears . I 've never had the desire to climb the corporate ladder and work my way up to the supposedly - coveted corner office . My goal was to find a job I like and give it my all . I didn 't want to worry about looking for the next big thing or fighting for a promotion or seeing if I could eventually utilize my experience elsewhere for a fatter paycheck . I just wanted to get a job , be awesome at it , and stick with it . I 'm sure it sounds like I 'm not ambitious and that I 've become complacent , but that is not the case . Doing the same job for several years may sound like monotonous drudgery . I suppose that can be true , but it doesn 't have to be that way . Although I obviously deal with much of the same each day , there are ways to keep things enjoyable and to improve myself and my work and expand what I do . After tackling the porch steps on Friday , Ernie forged ahead on Saturday with many more outdoor projects . While he worked , Matthew and I decided to go out for a little while . Our first stop was Target . Matthew loves riding in shopping carts . Being a stroller in a store doesn 't cut it anymore . He likes to be up higher and able to observe more freely . Once we left Target , I decided to stop at a playground that I knew had toddler swings . I 've been wanting to allow him to enjoy some swinging , but our previous playground stops only had swings for bigger kids . Matthew definitely enjoyed the swing . Once he grew tired of swinging , we walked around the park and explored . When I decided it was time to go , Matthew resisted and ended up falling and scraping his knees on the asphalt . Poor kid ! I felt so bad . I cleaned him up as best as I could , and then we headed home . At Target , Matthew had spotted one of his favorite books from his day care and was stretching and trying to get out of the cart to get to it . Obviously , I had to buy it . I also picked up a couple new toys for Matthew 's Little People Farm . I figured these new toys would make up for the knee scrapes he suffered . Turns out , all I needed were the boxes . We do not have much hanging on our walls . Our house was brand new when we moved into it back in 2005 , and it took a long time before we committed to hanging any pictures . There is a chocolate lab painting upstairs , two train pictures in the living room , two lighthouse pictures in the downstairs bathroom , and Brett Favre in our dining room ( I 'm really surprised I got away with that ) . I decided I 'd like to have some family pictures displayed in Matthew 's room . Something to hang made sense , and I wanted to have pictures from both sides of the family . At the first store I looked at , I immediately found a frame I loved . There is plenty of ink in our printer , and I had several sheets of photo paper , so I decided to see what I could put together . I went through pictures from our wedding and from Ernie 's mom and stepdad 's wedding . I dedicated one side to my family and one side to Ernie 's family ( four pics each ) . I 'm really happy with how it turned out . Ernie will be hanging it in Matthew 's room sometime this weekend . Well , hopefully this weekend . He has a lot of plans for things to accomplish around the house on this three - day weekend . Last night , he tore apart the front porch steps after he noticed they were unsteady . He discovered rotting wood and other fun stuff . One trip to Home Depot and lots of work fixed that though . I do not have a green thumb , but I do love flowers . Fortunately , my mother is very knowledgeable in that area . Thanks to her , I am able to enjoy some lovely flowers outside my house once winter goes away . She told me last week that a trip to the greenhouse was definitely in order . When I got home from work yesterday , we hopped in my car with Matthew and went to get some flowers . Matthew and I happily wandered all of the aisles while my mom made the important decisions . She kept asking me what I 'd like , and I did help to narrow down some choices , but I truly consider her the expert and wanted her to just buy whatever she felt was best . I knew that we couldn 't go wrong with whatever she decided . Next to the checkout , there was a bin with free watering cans for " junior gardeners . " Matthew proudly grabbed a watering can before we left . The owner said that he would hire Matthew in a few years , once he got a little taller and a few more muscles . My mom said , " He should probably stop wetting his pants too . " Ha ha ! Poor Matthew . It 's hard being 18 months ! The owner said that wasn 't a big deal though and that " it happens . " I think you 're in , Matthew ! |
It began last January as I began to purchase 2014 Christmas fabric at discount prices . I loved this quilt in Quiltmania magazine and knew it would appeal to my oldest son 's wife and the style of her house . It required many , many tiny flying geese . I saw this quilt on display in my local quilt shop , American Quilting . I loved the cheeriness and color palette and felt like it would please my youngest son 's wife and her style . I purchased a kit for the quilt which included the fabric line , Merry Stitches . It included panel pieces as well , but the flying geese blocks were very big . Solstice by Kate Spain was used for my middle son 's family . I knew that my DIL would like its more modern vibe . I finished this quilt top last Spring , but didn 't machine quilt it until November . This Santa quilt was also in Quiltmania magazine a couple of years ago . I loved it and it was so fun to make it for my daughter and her family . I like it so much that I am going to make one for myself . I ended up using a darker grey of the Quilter 's Linen for the stop border . The red border is from the Solstice line . I originally thought I would use it for the back of the Solstice quilt but it was just too much red . It worked perfectly for this quilt . I appliqued on the beards and reindeer ears , then embroidered faces and antlers . I sewed the ric rac on before machine quilting . A grey minky with small stars is on the back of this quilt . Daniel Ray Baker was born April 13 , 1880 in Beaver , Utah . He was the son of Phillip Baker and Harriet Ann Thompson . Not much is known of his early life except that he was a dutiful boy , went through the eighth grade in school and was a good reader , penman , and mathematician . His son Raymond remembered that he hauled cord wood to the Murdock Academy for the furnace there and he measured the load very accurately . The men who received it were amazed that he was correct when they figured it out on paper . Water users very often called him to come to measure their streams to determine if they had their just amounts , always being satisfied with his decisions . He met with a group to decide on the feasibility of building a dam at Blue Lake , and was often called to help Ray met Edith Sylvia Twitchell when they were both fishing . She was fishing down stream and he was fishing up stream . They met at Hutching 's Dam . She didn 't have very many fish , so he gave her some of his . They kept meeting at their fishing places , and he would give her big " messes " of fish . Soon her father got wind of what was going on . He knew someone had been giving her fish . He wanted Sylvia to marry a man named Glen Merchant because he had a lot of money . Ray began to come up to North Creek to the town dances , and it was not long before he After they were married , Ray and Sylvia both went to work at the sulfur mine nearby . She worked as a cook and he worked in the mine until they had saved enough money to purchase a farm in North Creek from Mose and Minty Edwards ( this is Harriet Marintha Baker Edwards . She was Ray 's sister ) . They bought the old school house and moved it onto their farm , later adding on the back rooms and an upper story . This home still stands today . Ray 's friend , LaMont McQuarrie , helped him build on the kitchen . Ray tried to dig a well for drinking water , but they couldn 't succeed at that , so they had to fill it back up again . Here in North Creek both Ray and Sylvia spent the remainder of their time on earth . They had six children born to them ; Raymond , Shirley , Louella , Loretta , Vyron , and Nola . They had a lot of love in their family . Every Sunday afternoon after Sunday School was over in North Creek , the people of the community would gather for some kind of sporting activity ; either a picnic , a ball game , a shooting match , or something like that . Often the Manderfield community would join in the activities . Most of these activities were held at the Baker home . At the shooting matches , Ray was either the captain of the team , or the first one chosen on the team , for he was an expert shot . At first , everyone wanted to borrow his new rifle , a " 32 special . " However , he pulled a trick on them . He moved the sight just a little to one side . He knew how to adjust for the difference , so he could continue to hit the target , but they couldn 't do it , so they soon stopped asking to borrow his gun . Usually , the losers of the shooting match had to provide a dance for the winners , including the food . Sometimes they would use roosters as targets , and sometimes they would bet on these matches . The money would go to buy uniforms for the North Creek baseball team , which Daniel played on . Ray could outdo most of the men in boxing , jumping , or anything they could challenge him with . Every so often , Ray would bring the wagon around and gather up all the family and they would go over to Manderfield to visit their cousins . They loved to visit Uncle Rube and Aunt Florence in Manderfield . This uncle and aunt were really cousins of the Baker children , but they were enough older that they were called aunt and uncle . They would make up a big family bed on the floor and all sleep together . Although they were very busy with the farm , they took the time to get out and enjoy themselves , too . Each summer they had a family fishing trip that included all the cousins , and it lasted for a week or so . They also went camping quite a bit . The Baker extended family still gathers to the mountains above North Creek and Beaver the first week of August each year . The following carvings were shared with everyone at one such gathering . It was common to carve one 's initials on the beautiful quaking aspen trees in the mountains above North Creek . This piece of bark was rescued from a tree after a forest fire in the area . On July 24 , 1911 ; Sylvia Baker 's and Ray Baker 's initials were carved for future posterity Ray was a very clean and orderly man . His farm was very well kept and no fence was ever broken but what it was fixed with the greatest of care . His door yard was also very clean and neat . In fact , his farm was one of the most up - to - date and well - kept farms around North Creek . He was a good provider . Shirley remembered that at one time Ray filled a 50 gallon barrel full of salted fish , and another one of cured pork . The pork was wonderful , but the fish didn 't keep very well , and they were all disappointed when it had to be fed to the pigs . Ray raised hay for his cows , and the family had their own milk , cheese , butter , and grain which provided them with mush and flour . They didn 't have much money , but they were a happy family . His daughter Louella remembered that he would chase her around the house with his face all lathered up for shaving , and she would run for dear life . She also remembered that during the winter months , Ray would often get on Old Burt and lead Mary , Indian Creek ) . Whenever he went into the hills , he always had his rifle with him , tied to his saddle . He was known as the provider of deer meet for all the families of North Creek , which was about 12 families at that time . About once a month , winter or summer , he would kill a deer and divide it among the community . Although it was against the law even then to kill deer out of season , hunger of his family and friends was more important . The game warden , Si Davis , tried very hard to catch him in the act of killing a deer , but Ray was always one jump ahead of him . When Si started threatening him , Ray said , " Si , if you ever get that close to me , I will have my sights on you , and you had better look the other way . " Si took him seriously and didn 't both Ray any more . There was a mountain lion in the hills that was known as " Old Scar - Foot . " It would come down and kill cattle and sheep , and the community was anxious to get rid of it . Someone had gotten a shot at it see that the colt had gotten tangled in the barbed wire and been cut very badly . It 's wind pipe had a hole in it , and he could hear the air going in and out of that hole . Edith called some of Ray 's friends to come and help him , and they told him that it was no use to try to save that colt and he should put it out of its misery . However , Ray was determined to keep it alive if at all possible . He sewed up the hole in to cover the wound . He tore up bed sheets and wrapped them around the colts neck and down between its legs . He had some black oil which he kept on hand to doctor animals on such occasions , and he poured this on the cut . The colt lived and grew to be a good sized mare . It could be ridden , but it would tire easily because of its former injuries . They called this colt " Net " because of the net wire fence that had cut the colt . and his friends left the next morning to pick up the track of the mountain lion , Old Scar Foot . That mountain lion had leaped onto the colt 's back and left big scratches on her . She had evidently run into the fence and that had thrown the lion off her back , and that was why she got so badly cut up . The men tracked the lion up through the cedars Old Scar Foot was pretty smart . He seemed to know what to do to lose his pursuers . He would go in a circle and go right back over the same path where he had been before , until he was following those who thought they were following him . That was why he had never been killed before . He was too tricky . The men with Ray had their rifles and their dogs , and they had to keep a sharp lookout to make sure that the lion wasn 't up on a ledge above them , ready to pounce . After making a circle , going and the others would continue following the tracks . Ray wanted to be the one to get revenge on the lion for what it had done to his colt , so he and Harry selected a spot and waited for an hour or two . It was very dog became nervous and started to growl . In a few minutes , here came the cougar . It wasn 't on the exact trail that it had been on before , but it was a ways off . Finally the lion got into a bare spot of ground which was a little higher than the scrub oak and brush in the area . This was Scar - Foot 's fatal mistake . Ray got a good shot , and Scar - Foot dropped in his tracks . Ray gave a war whoop for he had gotten his revenge . It was a large mountain lion about 10 feet from tip to tail . After quite an effort , they finally got it loaded onto a gentle horse named Burt . When they rode into North Creek , everyone turned out to celebrate . Their worries were over now . During his short life , Ray was assistant superintendent to the Sunday School under Harry Green , and he was first counselor in the MIA , also under Harry . Ray was evidently baptized in 1889 , but perhaps there was no record kept . At any rate , he was re - baptized on May 5 , 1903 , the day John F . McGregor to be the Presiding Elder ( Branch President ) in North Creek . He was a very well respected man and was liked by all . He was fair in all his dealings and always tried to make others happy . He was also a good step dancer and had learned to play the guitar . He would sing for people if they coaxed him and had quite a good voice . In the fall of 1917 , Ray helped his neighbors thresh their grain . When they had finished in North Creek , the threshing machine moved on to the next town and Ray was hired to go along and help . When they were threshing in Manderfield , he was stricken with a terrible abdominal pain . He got on his horse to ride home , but before he reached home the pain became so bad that he could not ride any longer , and had to get off and walk . His sons saw him coming through the field , nearly bent double with the pain , but he did not tell them that he was sick . He had her a new center table . They bought the table , and while he was in town he ordered a new Ford car , the first one to come into Beaver . How thrilled he was to tell his anxious boys about this car , but it was not to be . The hard - earned money had to be used for funeral expenses . He evidently had appendicitis , but the doctors didn 't know what it was , and began to turn dark . Gangrene had set in . They split open a live chicken and placed it over his stomach to relieve the pain . The doctor came and stayed the entire time . Raymond was allowed to remain up that night until his father passed away , which was about 4 : 00 a . m . Edith completely collapsed and the doctor had to work with her for some time . Ray was conscious until the end . He signed some papers and knew the end was near . Shirley remembered that he called all the children in and him of his suffering . Then his pains relaxed , he gripped Raymond 's hand and a little smile came over his face . He closed the grayish blue eyes and it was the end . They put quarters over his eyes to keep them shut , and packed him in ice . This was November 11 , 1917 . He was buried in the Beaver cemetery . It was said that his was the largest funeral held in Beaver up till that time . you will be doing this for me ? " Six months later , Harry Green and Raymond were doing it for him . At the time of his death , Ray was only 37 years old . His son , Raymond was 13 , Shirley was 11 , Louella was 8 , Loretta was 4 , Vyron was 2 , and baby Nola was only six months old . Edith Sylvia Twitchell Edith Sylvia Twitchell was born February 12 , 1885 in Beaver , Utah . She was the daughter of William Ancil Twitchell and Ruth Greenwood . Not much is known of her childhood . She was baptized August 8 , 1893 , at the Sylvia met Daniel Ray Baker , who was from Beaver , when they were both fishing the same stream . They continued to meet and fish together , and Ray would give her some fish to take home . When Sylvia 's father found out what was going on , he was not very happy . He had planned for his daughter to marry Glen Marchant who had quite a bit of money . But Sylvia knew who she liked , and she continued to see Ray . It was not long before they were engaged , and then they traveled to Manti to be married in the temple on May 6 , 1903 . As a new bride , Sylvia worked as a cook at the sulphur mine nearby ( Sulfur Dell , between Cove Fort and Beaver ) , in order to help her husband save enough money to buy a 33 - acre farm in Northcreek . They moved onto that farm , and there she bore six beautiful children , all of whom lived to a ripe old age . Not one child from this marriage was lost Sylvia was a proud woman and would not ask anyone for help . She was very patient and treated everyone fairly and taught her children to be honest , fair , and just . On one occasion , two of her sons , Raymond and Shirley , stole some eggs , and she made them take the eggs back and apologize to the owner . Sylvia liked the out - of - doors and she loved to shoot the gun . She would shoot hoot owls from the top of the derrick if and caring for the sick , often receiving very little money in return , and sometimes very little thanks . Sometimes she would be gone for two or three days nursing the sick , or she would sometimes bring them into her own home so that she could care for her own family as well as the sick person . Sylvia always had a large , well cared for garden , one of the best in the area . She was a good cook and did a lot of canning at harvest time , including deer meat and chickens . The deer meat was canned in a big copper boiler which would hold 20 quart jars . This meat had to be boiled for 4 hours ( they didn 't have pressure cookers then ) . She heated After only fourteen years of marriage , Sylvia was left a widow at the age of 32 . Her husband died of a ruptured appendix , which the doctors did not understand , calling it inflammation of the bowels . This was during the harvest season of 1917 . Now Sylvia was left to raise her children ( the oldest of whom was 13 and the youngest was 6 months old ) , and to run the farm by herself . The neighbors were very good to help with the big projects like haying , etc . , but it was still a very heavy burden . She taught her children to work hard and soon the older ones were able to get jobs to help out . They would all get up early in the morning before school to do the chores and separate the milk ( taking the cream out of it ) , and then they had to haul the milk to town with the horse and buggy . Often her brother Will would pass them by in his car and not even offer to help them . This is mentioned , not to discredit Will , as he was in many ways a fine person , but only for the sake of portraying some of the sorrows that Sylvia felt . The family also had to stockpile enough wood to last them for the winter . They would go into the hills where Sylvia would chop the trees down , and the boys would drag the wood and chop it into smaller pieces to use . The girls learned to help their mother , and they particularly hated the job of scrubbing the week 's worth of socks on the scrubbing board . After they had been scrubbed and rinsed , they were hung out on the barbed wire fence to dry . Laundry was a major project for them , taking up the major part of a whole day each week . Sylvia made her own soap in the large bathtub , and it was used for all cleaning projects . After a few years , Sylvia purchased a Maytag washer , which proved to be a field , she said , " Let 's see if you can do it . " He tried it and did pretty well , so she left him to it , which made him feel very important . His legs were not strong enough to push the lever to lift the blade on the turns , but he tried . She watched him from a distance , and as he seemed to do all right , that became his job from then on . When Luella was about 13 , Sylvia was making eight loaves of bread every other day , and she thought Luella was getting old enough to start making bread . Luella didn 't want to , and said so . So one day Sylvia came up behind her and got hold of her hands and pushed them right down in the bread dough , and after that Luella took her turn mixing the bread . all the disks scalded and dried . There were about 35 - 50 disks , and it was a terrible job . One time Sylvia was turning the separator , and she After that Shirley started helping with the separating . The milkman came and picked up the cream once or twice a week , and later when they sold milk he would come and pick it up every day . Sylvia would make a weekly trip to Beaver with her milk money to buy groceries and things that they couldn 't raise on the farm . The grocery man would always give her a Luella remembered that after Ray 's death , Sylvia had a visitor by the name of Zote Manhard . He evidently thought he wanted to court the widow , but she wanted nothing to do with him . She told Luella that whenever that man came around , she wanted Luella to stay right with her and not go anywhere . So Luella developed a mistrust of anyone who might her care for her children . After consulting with the children , it was agreed , and they were married in the Salt Lake Temple for time ( in other words , for this life only , as she was already sealed to Ray Baker ) , on October 5 , 1922 . During that trip to the temple , Sylvia was proxy for Harry 's first wife so that they could be sealed together . The In 1923 , Sylvia and Harry were expecting a baby , and when it came time for the birth they sent for the doctor . Vyron and Nola were sent outside to the end of the lane to watch for the doctor so that he would be sure to find their house , as it was night time . They were scared to death to be out in the dark like that , being only six and eight years old , but they did it as they were told as it was their duty . The doctor took his time to get there , and the baby had laid in the birth canal so long that it was stillborn , a lovely little girl . Aunt Florence and Aunt to get her to breathe , but they had to give up . Sylvia had made a beautiful layette while she was expecting , and now that she didn 't need it , she gave the baby clothes to Edna and Victor Crosby who were expecting a baby and having a hard time making ends meet . Sylvia buried her little girl in a beautiful pink dress that two of her friends had tatted for her . Harry was heartbroken over this turn of events , as he had already buried a wife and child . He was probably afraid that Sylvia the Northcreek Branch . Vyron remembered that as a young teenager , he and a friend tried to make some malt whiskey . They made the mistake of sharing their secret with Shirley , who went home and told Harry . Harry told Sylvia , and she marched the boys down to their hiding place and poured out every bottle onto the ground . Cemetery . She would spend a lot of time previous to that day , making flowers out of crepe paper , and then she would send the children out to gather whatever flowers they could find ; yellow roses from the orchard , and such things as Indian paint brush , sego lilies , and buttercups from the hillsides . They would have many tubs of flowers , and would go all over the cemetery with their remembrances for their relatives and friends who had passed on . Vyron remembered that it took all day to do this , and he would get tired of hauling tubs of flowers . It made enough Sylvia almost always made a cake for the Sunday afternoon community gatherings which were often at her home . No wonder the neighbors and relatives liked to come there ! She also often made homemade ice cream as a treat for the children , since they always had plenty of milk and cream . Nola remembered how they did it : Combine 6 eggs , 1 - 2 cups flour , 3 cups sugar , some lemon and vanilla flavoring , and cook as a custard . Cool , add cream , and then freeze it in the ice cream freezer . This freezer was turned by hand . They got the ice for the freezer from in a wagon and distributed to the various homes during the warmer months . The rock salt they used in the freezer was some of the rock salt that they had for their cattle to lick . It required a two - day trip Sylvia and Harry sold some of their cattle in order to help send their children to the BYU in Provo . Just before Shirley went to college , he had appendicitis , and his appendix ruptured . He had to be in the hospital , and Sylvia was beside herself , wondering how she was going to pay this bill . Vyron had been working at various odd jobs , and had saved up $ 30 , which was a lot of money for a teenage boy at that time . He gladly gave his money to help pay for Shirley 's operation , and never regretted doing it . It was while her oldest children were attending the Brigham Young University that Sylvia 's health began to fail . She evidently had a tumor of the uterus . She had been sending her students food and money whenever she could in order to help them out . Shirley came home from school that summer , but Raymond was married and he was living in Thistle be much left . " Sylvia was taken to the hospital in Milford to have a hysterectomy and appendectomy . Vyron was out working in the field when she left , and he waved good - bye to her , and regretted ever after that he had not gone into the house to tell her good - bye and to tell her how much he loved her . She died the third day after the surgery . Vyron and the three girls had gone to the hospital to visit her that third day . They could tell that she was dying . Vyron went in first . He squeezed her hand and pretty soon she opened her eyes . They were glazed , but she recognized him and said , " Oh , my son . " He wanted to tell her that he was sorry that he had not told her of his love on the day she had left home for the hospital , but he did not get a chance . She told him of her love for said no more . Then the girls went in to see her , and she said about the same thing to them . The people at the hospital told the children that their mother was doing all right and that they could go home . So they went home with misgivings . Then the hospital called and told them that their mother had taken a turn for the worse , and they better come . Harry had not gone earlier because he had been busy in the fields , but this time he and Luella jumped in the car , and Harry drove like fury to that hospital . But when they arrived , Sylvia had already passed away and they didn 't get to see her . Shirley evidently went back with Harry later to obtain her body from the hospital , and she was brought to the home in Northcreek where the viewing was held . Luella was 21 years old at the time and , being the oldest girl , she was not only heartbroken at the loss of her mother , but she also felt the heavy weight of responsibility for the younger children . She was so overwrought that she passed out at the cemetery . This frightened Nola very badly , and she was afraid that Luella was going to die , too . Sylvia was buried in the Beaver cemetery next to her first husband . She horse and broke her neck . The doctor did not expect her to live until the next day and sent her home . She did live , and had a cast put on her neck , and was in bed for several months and finally recuperated . On the second night after the accident , Sylvia appeared to Loretta . Loretta wanted to get up and go to her , but could not get out of the bed . She said to her mother , " Come over to me , " but Sylvia replied that she could not . Then Loretta said , " Then I will come to you . " Sylvia then said , " No , you can not come over to me yet . " By this , Loretta knew As told by Harry Green to Raymond Baker : John Green was married to his first wife , Ellen Danbury , in England , July 26 , 1870 . We came to the United States at the age of three , lived in Bluffdale , Utah one year and moved with parents to Beaver , Utah . At the age of fifteen went to Manilla , Utah , with two other friends with team and buckboard , snowed in for three days on the mountain between Vernal and Lucern Valley . Food was scarce , however , we managed to locate an old sawmill where we found food for the horses and were able to kill three snowshoe rabbits . The third day a four - horse outfit came , broke the trail and we came on through . Came back to Beaver to work on farms in summer and in the mines during the winter months . Went to Twin Falls , Idaho , with team and wagon when I was 19 and worked on canals one year . Was baptized in Church of Jesus Christ of Latter - Day Saints and started to farm and raise livestock . I filed on Blue Lake Reservoir for the North Creek Irrigation Company and was overseer of the building of the dam . Served on the Board of Directors for twenty years . Was president of the North Creek Cattle Association for several years . Henry Percy Green married Oweneva Grover , June 1919 ( Civil Marriage ) . Oweneva was born May 23 , 1899 at Nephi , Utah . Died at North Creek Dec . 12 , 1919 , buried at Beaver . Born to Harry and Oweneva Green , a daughter Oweneva and died the same day Dec . 12 , 1919 . Was buried with her mother , same casket in her mothe 's arms . Henry Percy Green living neighbors to our family seemed to more or less come into our family and was constantly helping and caring for us as only a father could . He and mother were united in marriage Oct . 22 , 1922 . To this union a daughter , Winona , was born and she too passed away soon after birth , May 21 , 1925 . ( Raymond ) I personally felt that being as Mother was so intent that her children go to college was one reason why she and Harry were married , so I could be relieved of responsibilities at home and attend the University . I wil never forget Harry and Mother getting me ready and taking me to town to catch the stage to Milford where Elmer Smith and I had to lay over one night . We had arrived too late to catch the train going to Provo . Yes , I needed a boost to leave home and Harry was there to give me the support . I had worked at a sawmill the preceding summer and worked at many jobs at the school , but it was Harry and my good Mother that gave me the means ( cash ) and desire to carry on . Yes , Harry came into our home and served as a FATHER because I was the oldest of six and I was only 13 when Dad died . Yes , Harry was loved and respected by us all . He had been available so much to help us when we needed help on the farm , with the cattle , irrigation and all that goes with ranch life . Yet for a man to come into a family with six growing young people is to be admired for his courage . We loved him but I wonder if we respected his word as we should of done . . . I 'm afraid not . . . yet he never complained , just kept in there pitching for us . I often wondered just what his reward for this sacrifice he was making for us , raising another man 's family , would do or mean to him . Yet I don 't remember of ever seeing him angry with any of us and the help , courage and determination he gave to our dear Mother in her trials and darker moments were or could not be measured . . . Harry 's farm was so he could pay his obligations , then help with ours which he did freely . Yes , I received much help from them for which I am grateful and could not have remained in school without . When Mother passed on in 1930 , Harry was left with a young family , having raised a family now and saw or had the responsibility of four being married . I realize what must have been his worry as a foster father . Yes , each one did admire and respect him , but like all teenagers we sometimes became a little selfish and didn 't appreciate good advice when given us , so I feel confident that he spent many sleepless hours wondering where his loved ones were and what should be done for their best interests . What a relief it must have been when all six were married to the right people . And that each was now to accept their own responsibilities of life and he could retire to his own little home and self again . Yes , I am sure each of us Baker kids were made bigger and better in more ways than one because Harry Green chose to come into our lives . Now I am sure that each and every one of us would like to do something for him to show our appreciation to him for what he has done for us , if he would only come and spend time with each of us more . How happy we would be . . . but not Harry . Yes , he comes a few times each year and spends a night or so , but he is too independent to let anyone wait on him or to even think he might be intruding on anyone , he just has to be getting back to North Creek and to work . Harry has always been a friend to everyone . I remember when the influenza epidemic was serious in North Creek . Harry and one or two others were the only well members to wait on the sick . Harry took care of Grandpa Twitchell 's family , the Valentine families and others . Grandpa Twitchell says , " I don 't know what we would of done without Harry . He came every day and cleaned up for us , cared for us , and went on his way to the next family . " All were quarantined but Harry kept on just the same , going night and day to help someone else . I don 't remember of ever hearing him angry or saying anything bad about anyone , but I have seen many come to him for advice which he always gave freely . My earliest remembrances of Harry , Uncle Albert , his father and Edna was when they used to act as baby sitters for Shirley and myself . Yes , we would often go up and sleep with them while Mother and Dad went out . It fell my lot to sleep with Harry and Uncle Albert . There I was , each turned his back toward me - covers held high - and those husky men nearly raised the roof with their snoring . . . but they were the kind of neighbors always ready to help whenever they could . Father and Harry used to hunt and fish a great deal , even taking me with them , riding behind one of them on horseback , camp over night . They always got their share plus of fish and game . They would kill a deer , bone it and tie it on the saddle in a couple of jackets and no one the wiser . One time they even tried putting ten and fifteen gallon wooden barrels of fish away in brine . I remember our disappointment when we had to dump them , nice pink Puffer Lake trout , into the pigs . I have always enjoyed hunting trips with Harry and he is one guy who will always give the other fellow the best of everything and take for himself what is left . was the son of Anciel Twitchell and Louisa Samantha Hitchcock . He married Ruth Greenwood on Christmas Day , 1883 , in Beaver . At this time he was working for the railroad . Their first " home " was in a dugout . Their first child , Edith Sylvia , was born there in Beaver , then they moved to Manderfield where Rachael Ann was born . They then moved to North Creek where William Anciel Jr . and a stillborn daughter were born . Alvin Greenwood was born at Beaver , Edward Shirley at Manderfield , and then the last two , Raymond and Ethel Evelyn , were born at William was a prosperous farmer , and owned a large amount of ground and cattle . His favorite pastimes were hunting deer and going fishing . He very seldom missed a shot . He and his sons and grandsons would always get together for an annual deer hunt , and it was William 's job to teach each grandson how to hunt , as they each got old enough . He was a good hiker , very sure on his feet . He had another tradition , though , that was not so good . At this annual hunt , William was famous for drinking plenty of whiskey . He would be so drunk before they got to camp that he couldn 't ride his horse . He would get into the camp wagon . His grandson Shirley once spent the night in the wagon with him , and he remembered that his grandfather even woke up in the middle of the night and took another swig of the whiskey . Most of the men drank some . It would take William several days after this hunt before he could get back it . Vyron Baker remembered that the year he got his colt , hay was in very short supply . They had to turn his colt and another horse , Old Brit , out to fend for themselves for the winter . In the early spring , the two horses came home looking very thin and hungry . Vyron felt sorry for them and gave them some hay . The next morning he found them both lying on the ground . His colt was dead and Old Brit was nearly so . Vyron had not realized that it would not be good to give them so much hay when they were not used to it . Sometime later , William gave Vyron another colt . William was a good provider for his family , but very stern and strict with them . He did not go to church with his wife and children . He evidently favored some of his children more than others . For one reason or another , his first daughter Edith was not one of his favorites . He had wanted her to marry a man named Glen Merchant , but she fell in love with Ray Baker and married him against her father 's wishes . He never quite forgave her for that and was not as William was a healthy man , both in body and mind . He never had severe sickness nor bad teeth . He could mix well in a crowd and loved to hear music . When the people of North Creek would get together for a dance , as they did for special occasion such as Christmas , William and Jim Valentine would do a step dance to entertain the people . Oh , how they could dance ! Also , at Christmas time the grandchildren would all come to the Twitchell home . William would bring out a big sack of candy and nuts . The children would all sit on the floor in a big circle , and William would dump out the candy and nuts on the floor . The children could have all they could pick up . While he lived in North Creek , there were still occasional troubles with the Indians . Whenever he went irrigating , he always took three things : his horse , his shovel , and his gun , to protect himself against Indians . He was quite friendly with most of the Indians , however . He could speak some of their language , and he knew their Chief . Sad to say , William was often remembered for his stubbornness , being set in his ways , and for his difficult mannerisms . He must have done the best he could . He was a tough man in a tough area during a tough period of time . A tribute was written to him after he passed away . It was written by his good friend and neighbor , J . G . McQuarrie : product of the times . His character , or probably his characteristics , were wrought of his own head , rough experiences without any polish from artificial sources . Neither the Church nor the school touched his life in any direct way . He could not stand the restraint of either . It would be foolish , in attempting to sketch his life , to call him a polished gentleman , but he did possess many of the virtues , without which even kings are but puppets . If our state should be invaded , William Twitchell with his deer gun would respond as quickly as did the Minutemen of Lexington . . . . If it so happened that he with his family were driven either into the desert or the mountains , he would survive , where more technically trained men might perish . This man had no use for wealth , he made no struggle to attain it . But out of his North Creek farm he managed not only to provide well for his family , but to establish his boys in a home or a profession . He interests never relaxed until his boys were at least making a living . Mr . Twitchell was a good neighbor . He built good fences . Neither he nor his animals trespassed upon others . He knew the world . . . as God made it . It is a question whether the trained botanist or the biologist knew the wild life or plant life of this section better than he . The workings of his mind and his general characteristics were revealed most clearly in the annual deer hunt . Although he would get with ease his own limit , he was always willing to share spoils and pleasures with the young men who wanted to join his camp . Doctors , teachers , and businessmen followed his suggestions with appreciation and pleasure . He loved the mountains as he loved his fields . Both were a part of and timber , the flowers , or the wild life . Even at the advanced age of 80 years , his zest for the hunt was unbelievable . His sympathy and understanding were such with the boys that they enjoyed being with him . There were no restrictions , neither were there any excuses . We all had Ruth Greenwood was born August 8 , 1865 in Beaver , Utah . She was the eleventh child of William Greenwood Jr . and Ann Hartley . When she was very young , her older brother Barney returned from a trip across the plains , bringing a harmonica with him . It so delighted Ruth that she started playing it and dancing to her own music , much to the amusement of the family . While she was still a little girl , her family had one particular cow that only Ruth could milk . Even if she was sick , they would bring the cow up to the door of the house and she would sit there and milk it . She was baptized when she was 12 years old and was married to William Anciel Twitchell Sr . when she was 18 . They had their first home on Indian Creek ( later called Manderfield ) , and then later settled on North Creek , where they had a nice , light , native pink rock home , which was unusual in that vicinity . Six children , three boys and three girls , were born to this union . Once , not too long after she and William had been married , William hurt Ruth 's feelings somehow , and they had a bit of a disagreement . She ran out of the house and up into the hills , thinking that he would surely follow her and make up with her . It was getting pretty dark , and he didn 't come . He was home pacing the floor and thinking , " If I go after her this time , I 'll be going after her all the time , so I won 't do it . " He was a little worried about her , but he didn 't go after her . She could hear the coyotes howling and she got pretty scared , so she finally went home . She had learned a lesson . She didn 't run away any more after that . was a very good woman and a peacemaker . She would always do more than her share to make others happy . One person said of her that she was quiet and reserved but easy to get along with . Because of this , she was imposed on all her life . She led a hard physical life and was a true pioneer . Her home was always open to everyone . All the relatives enjoyed a picnic at " Aunt Ruth 's " . There was usually a band of Indians camped further north on the creek . Watching them and sometimes teasing always made such experiences exciting for the children . Ruth usually had garden products to share with her relatives , as it seemed they could She liked to dance and go to movies . She worked in the Sunday School and was President of the Primary . She was a very religious woman and always went to church , although her husband didn 't go with her . She always had a little bottle of whiskey in the house which she used for medicine and disinfectant . She had to keep it hidden from her husband , for if he would find it , he would drink it . In her later years , she kept the whiskey in her purse wherever she went . kitten on it . Everyone loved her . She and William took her brother , William Greenwood III , into their home for five years when he was old and feeble . She raised three families : her own eight children ; her daughter Rachael 's daughter ( Susan Merchant ) after Rachael passed away at the age of 29 ; and her son Edward 's family after his wife Jenny Puffer died . An interesting note : Evidently Rachael married Glen Merchant , the fellow that William ( Ruth 's husband ) had picked out for their first daughter , Edith , to marry . Since Edith married someone else , Glen evidently took the next available daughter . Ruth 's granddaughter , Luella , remembered an occasion when a thunderstorm was raging in North Creek where Ruth was living . The lightning struck her home and it went all the way around the four walls of her kitchen . They a large person , as were most of the members of the Greenwood family . She enjoyed good health until the very last part of her life . She was very soft spoken , quiet , and long - suffering throughout her life . She had to wait on her husband during the last part of his life as his health failed , and she did it uncomplainingly . her husband , Ruth lived alone or had one of her grandchildren live in with her in her home on North Creek for quite a few years . She spent some time at the home of her grandson Vyron Baker and his wife Agnes . Vyron tells of the time that she got into the tub to have a bath and then couldn 't get back out . Agnes couldn 't get her out by herself , so they wrapped a big towel around her and Vyron had to come and help get her out of the tub . He was kind of embarrassed and knew that she was embarrassed , so he just tried to make a joke out of it , and they laughed over when she laughed . Vyron also bought her a special rocking chair to sit in while she stayed at his home , and she was so appreciative of his kindness to her . She also loved to have Agnes sing to her . One day she was helping Agnes do the dishes and Agnes started singing a song . Ruth really liked it , so after that , every time they were doing dishes , Agnes had to sing that song for her . The song was called " Wait for Me , Mary . " Another time Vyron and Agnes took Ruth to the zoo . It was the first time she had ever been to such a place and she was so impressed . She especially enjoyed watching the monkeys and laughed and laughed at how the mother would pick the lice out of the baby 's hair . She also like the talking parrots . She loved nature . Ruth was a very modest woman , and wore long skirts all her life . She wore a little bib apron over her skirt all the time . That apron had many uses , In her later years , Ruth also stayed at the home of her granddaughter Nola Morris in Orem , Utah . They loved to have her come , and Nola 's four little girls were always crowded around her , wanting to " help Grandma . " She would use Nola 's broomstick as a sort of a cane to help her get around . Once , Nola took her to a movie , and in it there were quite a few scenes with dancing girls . They were sort of scantily dressed and Nola wondered what Ruth would think of it , but Ruth just laughed and said , " Nola , I really enjoyed it . I would have liked to have been up there dancing with them . " She always did love to dance . When she was a young girl , she and her friend Addie would learn every new dance that came to town . They would practice the dance steps out in the street in their bare feet . Nola had a special feeling for her Grandma Twitchell , for she felt that she had kind of taken the place of her mother Sylvia when she died . All Ruth 's grandchildren loved to have her visit them . Raymond 's wife June remembered that when she came to visit them , her little children would gather around to hear Grandma 's stories . The little girls would bring their dolls and the little boys would bring their trucks , and they would the spring of 1842 , he joined the LDS Church along with his father 's family , and they moved to Missouri and then to Nauvoo , along with the Saints . In Nauvoo , Anciel met Louisa Samantha Hitchcock and they were married just a few months after the martyrdom of the Prophet Joseph on October 7 , 1844 . They had a child , Ephraim , born in Nauvoo on October 10 , 1845 , but he passed away before his first birthday in Council Bluffs , Iowa , following the expulsion of the Saints . There in Council Bluffs , Anciel joined the Mormon Battalion in 1846 and served under General Sterling Price . He underwent all the sufferings incident to that experience , the longest infantry march in history . Anciel was discharged from the Battalion in California , and he liked the area so well that he decided to stay . He sent word to his parents that it was the best place to live , and they should bring his wife and join him there , which they did . Anciel and his brother James were with their father when they were approached by the Mexican bandit , Joaquin and a dozen of his men . They saw him coming , so Ephraim jumped on the big black stallion which Anciel had bought and mounted a knoll where he could see out over the area . Anciel and James hid themselves in the boulders , but had their guns pointed directly at Joaquin . He stopped , saw that the situation was not Anciel and James took the gold they had mined and made payments on some land on a Spanish Land Grant . They built homes and corrals on the ocean front in a beautiful setting and were proud to raise the American Flag which they had made . This happy time did not last very long , however , for a hurricane came in and destroyed all their buildings and stock animals , leaving time only for the people to flee to higher ground . It was after this hurricane that his father Ephraim encountered the stranger who advised him to take his family back to Utah , which story is The Twitchells did return to Utah , and Anciel settled in Beaver . He and his sons built a ranch and kilns in order to bake brick for building homes . They later sold stock animals to the Army and to the railroad people when it came through . Anciel and Samantha had fourteen children . Seven of these children died before reaching the age of five years old . Besides the one that had died in Council Bluffs , three had died in California , and three died in Beaver . Anciel had many experiences with the Indians in Beaver . The Indians would often travel through his pasture and feed their horses there , which he allowed them to do , as many of them were friendly . Some , however , were vicious . The Indians feared and respected Anciel , for he could fight them Indian style and beat them , or live through the torture for the cream to come to the top , and he and his children used up all the milk to keep the fire under control . Their home was not made of lumber as most of the homes of the area were , but it was made of brick and cut rock . The Indians had stolen most of his horses , but they had not gone near the pen where his stallion was kept so , after they left , Anciel mounted the stallion and followed them . He shot the two men that had his horses and brought the horses back . Once , when Anciel was away from home , the Indians came on a raid . The children hid up in the loft . While the Indians were laughing and stealing things down below , William put his head out of the loft and said " Get . " The Indians were superstitious and believed in signs , and since they couldn 't tell where the voice came from or who it was , they did leave . kill him . The Indian dropped Eunice and swore to kill William , who darted in and out of fences to keep out of his way . Eunice ran to Uncle but they did live it in their own style . They often combined recreation and religion by having services and cottage meetings in connection with a big feast of barbecued beef . He finally erected a meeting house , and in combination a co - op ( what we would call a Bishop 's storehouse ) where goods were stored to protect anyone from hunger . They While living in Beaver , Anciel took a second wife in plural marriage . Her name was Margaret Malinda Brown , and they had two children . Six years after their marriage , this second wife died , so Louisa took her two small girls and raised them as her own . Anciel Twitchell always believed in God , and the Golden Rule was his byword . He built many homes that stood the test of time . While building one of these homes a roof beam fell and hit him on the head . This caused him to experience blackouts . When he was nearing his 74th birthday , Anciel accidentally fell backwards , most likely from one of these blackouts , into the fireplace in his old farm residence causing his death . He was buried in the Beaver Cemetery . Louisa lived another nine years after his death , and she was also buried in the Beaver Cemetery . 2 ) Family group records The following is taken from an article describing the construction of buildings in Beaver , Utah . As soon as the technology could be developed , citizens of Beaver began to make fired brick . They were among the first people in Utah to build with this much superior masonry product . The earliest known commercially time , or perhaps a year later . There were at least two early brick - making plants , one operated by the Patterson family near a clay deposit near South Creek about four miles south of town , the other run by Anciel Twitchell and sons at Indian Creek ( now Manderfield ) . The red brick from both plants was soft when compared to later pressed brick , but was superior in strength and durability to adobe . Its greater expense meant that some settlers would continue to build with adobe . This red brick home is located in Manderfield north of Center Street with the small church house to the south . Perhaps it is a Twitchell built home using brick that they made . It is surrounded by debris and many sheds and corrals . This home is included in Beaver historic homes and it is said to have been built by Anciel Among the important early brick buildings was the Beaver Stake Tabernacle , started after the first log meetinghouse burned down in 1865 . The construction of the tabernacle epitomized the cooperative effort for which pioneer society is known . Robert Wiley and Samuel Edwards laid the stone foundation . The brick was supplied by Twitchel and sons , while the lime was burned by Joseph Tattersall , David Powell , and David Davey . This tabernacle building was torn down in 1931 . The lot is now occupied by a Daughters of the Utah Pioneers Museum . Louisa Samantha Hitchcock was born June 5 , 1828 in Rochester , Maine County , New York to Seth Hitchcock and Sarah Anne Rhodes . The Hitchcock family ( her mother had remarried ) moved to Nauvoo , Illinois by the time Louisa Samantha was a young girl . At just 16 years of age she married Anciel Twitchell on October 7 , 1844 in Nauvoo , Hancock County , Illinois . On October 7 , 1945 she gave birth to a son , Ephraim . That winter or early spring of 1846 , the family was driven from their home in Nauvoo and settled in Keg Creek , near Council Bluffs , Iowa . In the summer of 1846 , Anciel Twitchell enlisted in the Mormon Battalion and was assigned to Company D . He marched with this company to Fort Leavenworth , Kansas , and thence to Santa Fe , New Mexico , and finally to the Pacific Coast . Louisa Samantha and her son had been left with his parents . The little boy died September 9 , 1846 just short of his first birthday and soon after his father had left for his military service . John Chester Hitchcock , younger brother of Louisa Samantha , helped drive her wagon to Utah when they left Iowa in 1848 . John Chester also went along with the Twitchell family to California . John Chester claims that his step - father , Samuel Fowler , beat him so he left home . Samuel Fowler died in Council Bluffs on July 24 , 1848 shortly after John Chester and Louisa Samantha would have left for Utah . Samuel married Sarah Anne ( called Sally ) in 1835 after his wife and Seth Hitchcock had both passed away in 1834 . They had five children Louisa Samantha would give birth to fourteen children in all , seven of whom died before the age of five . Their children were Ephriam 1845 - 1846 , Martha Ann 1850 - 1851 , Franklin 1851 - 1853 , Elizabeth 1854 - 1934 , Melissa Ursula 1856 - 1856 , Parley Pratt 1857 - 1934 , William Anciel ( my husband 's 2nd great grandfather ) 1859 - 1940 , John Franklin 1862 - 1936 , Francis Edward 1864 - 1920 , Silas Andrew 1867 - 1939 , Andrew Jackson 1869 - 1869 , Chauncey M 1871 - 1872 , and Jasper Newton 1876 - 1877 . family to Warsaw , NY in 1815 . The 1830 Census shows Seth as a head of household with four children . Sometime between 1829 and 1834 Seth joined the newly organized Church of Jesus Christ of Latter - day Saints . He was a member of Zion 's Camp who went to Missouri to aid persecuted members of the Church there . In Church History records it states on the 24th of June , 1834 that Seth was called the 2nd man to die of Cholera in the group and buried in a common grave with two other men who also died about the same time . They were buried on the banks of Rush Creek , Clay , Missouri . In 1976 the State of Missouri , while examining historical sites , exhumed this grave site . Three bodies were found , one being Seth Hitchcock . Seth married Sarah or Sally Ann Rhodes about 1821 . They were the parents of seven children . In 1863 and 1864 , leaders of the Church speaking in Salt Lake City , Utah , spoke of men who had passed on in the early days of the Church . They spoke of Seth Hitchcock 's honesty when he was given $ 400 to give to |
It began last January as I began to purchase 2014 Christmas fabric at discount prices . I loved this quilt in Quiltmania magazine and knew it would appeal to my oldest son 's wife and the style of her house . It required many , many tiny flying geese . I saw this quilt on display in my local quilt shop , American Quilting . I loved the cheeriness and color palette and felt like it would please my youngest son 's wife and her style . I purchased a kit for the quilt which included the fabric line , Merry Stitches . It included panel pieces as well , but the flying geese blocks were very big . Solstice by Kate Spain was used for my middle son 's family . I knew that my DIL would like its more modern vibe . I finished this quilt top last Spring , but didn 't machine quilt it until November . This Santa quilt was also in Quiltmania magazine a couple of years ago . I loved it and it was so fun to make it for my daughter and her family . I like it so much that I am going to make one for myself . I ended up using a darker grey of the Quilter 's Linen for the stop border . The red border is from the Solstice line . I originally thought I would use it for the back of the Solstice quilt but it was just too much red . It worked perfectly for this quilt . I appliqued on the beards and reindeer ears , then embroidered faces and antlers . I sewed the ric rac on before machine quilting . A grey minky with small stars is on the back of this quilt . Daniel Ray Baker was born April 13 , 1880 in Beaver , Utah . He was the son of Phillip Baker and Harriet Ann Thompson . Not much is known of his early life except that he was a dutiful boy , went through the eighth grade in school and was a good reader , penman , and mathematician . His son Raymond remembered that he hauled cord wood to the Murdock Academy for the furnace there and he measured the load very accurately . The men who received it were amazed that he was correct when they figured it out on paper . Water users very often called him to come to measure their streams to determine if they had their just amounts , always being satisfied with his decisions . He met with a group to decide on the feasibility of building a dam at Blue Lake , and was often called to help Ray met Edith Sylvia Twitchell when they were both fishing . She was fishing down stream and he was fishing up stream . They met at Hutching 's Dam . She didn 't have very many fish , so he gave her some of his . They kept meeting at their fishing places , and he would give her big " messes " of fish . Soon her father got wind of what was going on . He knew someone had been giving her fish . He wanted Sylvia to marry a man named Glen Merchant because he had a lot of money . Ray began to come up to North Creek to the town dances , and it was not long before he After they were married , Ray and Sylvia both went to work at the sulfur mine nearby . She worked as a cook and he worked in the mine until they had saved enough money to purchase a farm in North Creek from Mose and Minty Edwards ( this is Harriet Marintha Baker Edwards . She was Ray 's sister ) . They bought the old school house and moved it onto their farm , later adding on the back rooms and an upper story . This home still stands today . Ray 's friend , LaMont McQuarrie , helped him build on the kitchen . Ray tried to dig a well for drinking water , but they couldn 't succeed at that , so they had to fill it back up again . Here in North Creek both Ray and Sylvia spent the remainder of their time on earth . They had six children born to them ; Raymond , Shirley , Louella , Loretta , Vyron , and Nola . They had a lot of love in their family . Every Sunday afternoon after Sunday School was over in North Creek , the people of the community would gather for some kind of sporting activity ; either a picnic , a ball game , a shooting match , or something like that . Often the Manderfield community would join in the activities . Most of these activities were held at the Baker home . At the shooting matches , Ray was either the captain of the team , or the first one chosen on the team , for he was an expert shot . At first , everyone wanted to borrow his new rifle , a " 32 special . " However , he pulled a trick on them . He moved the sight just a little to one side . He knew how to adjust for the difference , so he could continue to hit the target , but they couldn 't do it , so they soon stopped asking to borrow his gun . Usually , the losers of the shooting match had to provide a dance for the winners , including the food . Sometimes they would use roosters as targets , and sometimes they would bet on these matches . The money would go to buy uniforms for the North Creek baseball team , which Daniel played on . Ray could outdo most of the men in boxing , jumping , or anything they could challenge him with . Every so often , Ray would bring the wagon around and gather up all the family and they would go over to Manderfield to visit their cousins . They loved to visit Uncle Rube and Aunt Florence in Manderfield . This uncle and aunt were really cousins of the Baker children , but they were enough older that they were called aunt and uncle . They would make up a big family bed on the floor and all sleep together . Although they were very busy with the farm , they took the time to get out and enjoy themselves , too . Each summer they had a family fishing trip that included all the cousins , and it lasted for a week or so . They also went camping quite a bit . The Baker extended family still gathers to the mountains above North Creek and Beaver the first week of August each year . The following carvings were shared with everyone at one such gathering . It was common to carve one 's initials on the beautiful quaking aspen trees in the mountains above North Creek . This piece of bark was rescued from a tree after a forest fire in the area . On July 24 , 1911 ; Sylvia Baker 's and Ray Baker 's initials were carved for future posterity Ray was a very clean and orderly man . His farm was very well kept and no fence was ever broken but what it was fixed with the greatest of care . His door yard was also very clean and neat . In fact , his farm was one of the most up - to - date and well - kept farms around North Creek . He was a good provider . Shirley remembered that at one time Ray filled a 50 gallon barrel full of salted fish , and another one of cured pork . The pork was wonderful , but the fish didn 't keep very well , and they were all disappointed when it had to be fed to the pigs . Ray raised hay for his cows , and the family had their own milk , cheese , butter , and grain which provided them with mush and flour . They didn 't have much money , but they were a happy family . His daughter Louella remembered that he would chase her around the house with his face all lathered up for shaving , and she would run for dear life . She also remembered that during the winter months , Ray would often get on Old Burt and lead Mary , Indian Creek ) . Whenever he went into the hills , he always had his rifle with him , tied to his saddle . He was known as the provider of deer meet for all the families of North Creek , which was about 12 families at that time . About once a month , winter or summer , he would kill a deer and divide it among the community . Although it was against the law even then to kill deer out of season , hunger of his family and friends was more important . The game warden , Si Davis , tried very hard to catch him in the act of killing a deer , but Ray was always one jump ahead of him . When Si started threatening him , Ray said , " Si , if you ever get that close to me , I will have my sights on you , and you had better look the other way . " Si took him seriously and didn 't both Ray any more . There was a mountain lion in the hills that was known as " Old Scar - Foot . " It would come down and kill cattle and sheep , and the community was anxious to get rid of it . Someone had gotten a shot at it see that the colt had gotten tangled in the barbed wire and been cut very badly . It 's wind pipe had a hole in it , and he could hear the air going in and out of that hole . Edith called some of Ray 's friends to come and help him , and they told him that it was no use to try to save that colt and he should put it out of its misery . However , Ray was determined to keep it alive if at all possible . He sewed up the hole in to cover the wound . He tore up bed sheets and wrapped them around the colts neck and down between its legs . He had some black oil which he kept on hand to doctor animals on such occasions , and he poured this on the cut . The colt lived and grew to be a good sized mare . It could be ridden , but it would tire easily because of its former injuries . They called this colt " Net " because of the net wire fence that had cut the colt . and his friends left the next morning to pick up the track of the mountain lion , Old Scar Foot . That mountain lion had leaped onto the colt 's back and left big scratches on her . She had evidently run into the fence and that had thrown the lion off her back , and that was why she got so badly cut up . The men tracked the lion up through the cedars Old Scar Foot was pretty smart . He seemed to know what to do to lose his pursuers . He would go in a circle and go right back over the same path where he had been before , until he was following those who thought they were following him . That was why he had never been killed before . He was too tricky . The men with Ray had their rifles and their dogs , and they had to keep a sharp lookout to make sure that the lion wasn 't up on a ledge above them , ready to pounce . After making a circle , going and the others would continue following the tracks . Ray wanted to be the one to get revenge on the lion for what it had done to his colt , so he and Harry selected a spot and waited for an hour or two . It was very dog became nervous and started to growl . In a few minutes , here came the cougar . It wasn 't on the exact trail that it had been on before , but it was a ways off . Finally the lion got into a bare spot of ground which was a little higher than the scrub oak and brush in the area . This was Scar - Foot 's fatal mistake . Ray got a good shot , and Scar - Foot dropped in his tracks . Ray gave a war whoop for he had gotten his revenge . It was a large mountain lion about 10 feet from tip to tail . After quite an effort , they finally got it loaded onto a gentle horse named Burt . When they rode into North Creek , everyone turned out to celebrate . Their worries were over now . During his short life , Ray was assistant superintendent to the Sunday School under Harry Green , and he was first counselor in the MIA , also under Harry . Ray was evidently baptized in 1889 , but perhaps there was no record kept . At any rate , he was re - baptized on May 5 , 1903 , the day John F . McGregor to be the Presiding Elder ( Branch President ) in North Creek . He was a very well respected man and was liked by all . He was fair in all his dealings and always tried to make others happy . He was also a good step dancer and had learned to play the guitar . He would sing for people if they coaxed him and had quite a good voice . In the fall of 1917 , Ray helped his neighbors thresh their grain . When they had finished in North Creek , the threshing machine moved on to the next town and Ray was hired to go along and help . When they were threshing in Manderfield , he was stricken with a terrible abdominal pain . He got on his horse to ride home , but before he reached home the pain became so bad that he could not ride any longer , and had to get off and walk . His sons saw him coming through the field , nearly bent double with the pain , but he did not tell them that he was sick . He had her a new center table . They bought the table , and while he was in town he ordered a new Ford car , the first one to come into Beaver . How thrilled he was to tell his anxious boys about this car , but it was not to be . The hard - earned money had to be used for funeral expenses . He evidently had appendicitis , but the doctors didn 't know what it was , and began to turn dark . Gangrene had set in . They split open a live chicken and placed it over his stomach to relieve the pain . The doctor came and stayed the entire time . Raymond was allowed to remain up that night until his father passed away , which was about 4 : 00 a . m . Edith completely collapsed and the doctor had to work with her for some time . Ray was conscious until the end . He signed some papers and knew the end was near . Shirley remembered that he called all the children in and him of his suffering . Then his pains relaxed , he gripped Raymond 's hand and a little smile came over his face . He closed the grayish blue eyes and it was the end . They put quarters over his eyes to keep them shut , and packed him in ice . This was November 11 , 1917 . He was buried in the Beaver cemetery . It was said that his was the largest funeral held in Beaver up till that time . you will be doing this for me ? " Six months later , Harry Green and Raymond were doing it for him . At the time of his death , Ray was only 37 years old . His son , Raymond was 13 , Shirley was 11 , Louella was 8 , Loretta was 4 , Vyron was 2 , and baby Nola was only six months old . Edith Sylvia Twitchell Edith Sylvia Twitchell was born February 12 , 1885 in Beaver , Utah . She was the daughter of William Ancil Twitchell and Ruth Greenwood . Not much is known of her childhood . She was baptized August 8 , 1893 , at the Sylvia met Daniel Ray Baker , who was from Beaver , when they were both fishing the same stream . They continued to meet and fish together , and Ray would give her some fish to take home . When Sylvia 's father found out what was going on , he was not very happy . He had planned for his daughter to marry Glen Marchant who had quite a bit of money . But Sylvia knew who she liked , and she continued to see Ray . It was not long before they were engaged , and then they traveled to Manti to be married in the temple on May 6 , 1903 . As a new bride , Sylvia worked as a cook at the sulphur mine nearby ( Sulfur Dell , between Cove Fort and Beaver ) , in order to help her husband save enough money to buy a 33 - acre farm in Northcreek . They moved onto that farm , and there she bore six beautiful children , all of whom lived to a ripe old age . Not one child from this marriage was lost Sylvia was a proud woman and would not ask anyone for help . She was very patient and treated everyone fairly and taught her children to be honest , fair , and just . On one occasion , two of her sons , Raymond and Shirley , stole some eggs , and she made them take the eggs back and apologize to the owner . Sylvia liked the out - of - doors and she loved to shoot the gun . She would shoot hoot owls from the top of the derrick if and caring for the sick , often receiving very little money in return , and sometimes very little thanks . Sometimes she would be gone for two or three days nursing the sick , or she would sometimes bring them into her own home so that she could care for her own family as well as the sick person . Sylvia always had a large , well cared for garden , one of the best in the area . She was a good cook and did a lot of canning at harvest time , including deer meat and chickens . The deer meat was canned in a big copper boiler which would hold 20 quart jars . This meat had to be boiled for 4 hours ( they didn 't have pressure cookers then ) . She heated After only fourteen years of marriage , Sylvia was left a widow at the age of 32 . Her husband died of a ruptured appendix , which the doctors did not understand , calling it inflammation of the bowels . This was during the harvest season of 1917 . Now Sylvia was left to raise her children ( the oldest of whom was 13 and the youngest was 6 months old ) , and to run the farm by herself . The neighbors were very good to help with the big projects like haying , etc . , but it was still a very heavy burden . She taught her children to work hard and soon the older ones were able to get jobs to help out . They would all get up early in the morning before school to do the chores and separate the milk ( taking the cream out of it ) , and then they had to haul the milk to town with the horse and buggy . Often her brother Will would pass them by in his car and not even offer to help them . This is mentioned , not to discredit Will , as he was in many ways a fine person , but only for the sake of portraying some of the sorrows that Sylvia felt . The family also had to stockpile enough wood to last them for the winter . They would go into the hills where Sylvia would chop the trees down , and the boys would drag the wood and chop it into smaller pieces to use . The girls learned to help their mother , and they particularly hated the job of scrubbing the week 's worth of socks on the scrubbing board . After they had been scrubbed and rinsed , they were hung out on the barbed wire fence to dry . Laundry was a major project for them , taking up the major part of a whole day each week . Sylvia made her own soap in the large bathtub , and it was used for all cleaning projects . After a few years , Sylvia purchased a Maytag washer , which proved to be a field , she said , " Let 's see if you can do it . " He tried it and did pretty well , so she left him to it , which made him feel very important . His legs were not strong enough to push the lever to lift the blade on the turns , but he tried . She watched him from a distance , and as he seemed to do all right , that became his job from then on . When Luella was about 13 , Sylvia was making eight loaves of bread every other day , and she thought Luella was getting old enough to start making bread . Luella didn 't want to , and said so . So one day Sylvia came up behind her and got hold of her hands and pushed them right down in the bread dough , and after that Luella took her turn mixing the bread . all the disks scalded and dried . There were about 35 - 50 disks , and it was a terrible job . One time Sylvia was turning the separator , and she After that Shirley started helping with the separating . The milkman came and picked up the cream once or twice a week , and later when they sold milk he would come and pick it up every day . Sylvia would make a weekly trip to Beaver with her milk money to buy groceries and things that they couldn 't raise on the farm . The grocery man would always give her a Luella remembered that after Ray 's death , Sylvia had a visitor by the name of Zote Manhard . He evidently thought he wanted to court the widow , but she wanted nothing to do with him . She told Luella that whenever that man came around , she wanted Luella to stay right with her and not go anywhere . So Luella developed a mistrust of anyone who might her care for her children . After consulting with the children , it was agreed , and they were married in the Salt Lake Temple for time ( in other words , for this life only , as she was already sealed to Ray Baker ) , on October 5 , 1922 . During that trip to the temple , Sylvia was proxy for Harry 's first wife so that they could be sealed together . The In 1923 , Sylvia and Harry were expecting a baby , and when it came time for the birth they sent for the doctor . Vyron and Nola were sent outside to the end of the lane to watch for the doctor so that he would be sure to find their house , as it was night time . They were scared to death to be out in the dark like that , being only six and eight years old , but they did it as they were told as it was their duty . The doctor took his time to get there , and the baby had laid in the birth canal so long that it was stillborn , a lovely little girl . Aunt Florence and Aunt to get her to breathe , but they had to give up . Sylvia had made a beautiful layette while she was expecting , and now that she didn 't need it , she gave the baby clothes to Edna and Victor Crosby who were expecting a baby and having a hard time making ends meet . Sylvia buried her little girl in a beautiful pink dress that two of her friends had tatted for her . Harry was heartbroken over this turn of events , as he had already buried a wife and child . He was probably afraid that Sylvia the Northcreek Branch . Vyron remembered that as a young teenager , he and a friend tried to make some malt whiskey . They made the mistake of sharing their secret with Shirley , who went home and told Harry . Harry told Sylvia , and she marched the boys down to their hiding place and poured out every bottle onto the ground . Cemetery . She would spend a lot of time previous to that day , making flowers out of crepe paper , and then she would send the children out to gather whatever flowers they could find ; yellow roses from the orchard , and such things as Indian paint brush , sego lilies , and buttercups from the hillsides . They would have many tubs of flowers , and would go all over the cemetery with their remembrances for their relatives and friends who had passed on . Vyron remembered that it took all day to do this , and he would get tired of hauling tubs of flowers . It made enough Sylvia almost always made a cake for the Sunday afternoon community gatherings which were often at her home . No wonder the neighbors and relatives liked to come there ! She also often made homemade ice cream as a treat for the children , since they always had plenty of milk and cream . Nola remembered how they did it : Combine 6 eggs , 1 - 2 cups flour , 3 cups sugar , some lemon and vanilla flavoring , and cook as a custard . Cool , add cream , and then freeze it in the ice cream freezer . This freezer was turned by hand . They got the ice for the freezer from in a wagon and distributed to the various homes during the warmer months . The rock salt they used in the freezer was some of the rock salt that they had for their cattle to lick . It required a two - day trip Sylvia and Harry sold some of their cattle in order to help send their children to the BYU in Provo . Just before Shirley went to college , he had appendicitis , and his appendix ruptured . He had to be in the hospital , and Sylvia was beside herself , wondering how she was going to pay this bill . Vyron had been working at various odd jobs , and had saved up $ 30 , which was a lot of money for a teenage boy at that time . He gladly gave his money to help pay for Shirley 's operation , and never regretted doing it . It was while her oldest children were attending the Brigham Young University that Sylvia 's health began to fail . She evidently had a tumor of the uterus . She had been sending her students food and money whenever she could in order to help them out . Shirley came home from school that summer , but Raymond was married and he was living in Thistle be much left . " Sylvia was taken to the hospital in Milford to have a hysterectomy and appendectomy . Vyron was out working in the field when she left , and he waved good - bye to her , and regretted ever after that he had not gone into the house to tell her good - bye and to tell her how much he loved her . She died the third day after the surgery . Vyron and the three girls had gone to the hospital to visit her that third day . They could tell that she was dying . Vyron went in first . He squeezed her hand and pretty soon she opened her eyes . They were glazed , but she recognized him and said , " Oh , my son . " He wanted to tell her that he was sorry that he had not told her of his love on the day she had left home for the hospital , but he did not get a chance . She told him of her love for said no more . Then the girls went in to see her , and she said about the same thing to them . The people at the hospital told the children that their mother was doing all right and that they could go home . So they went home with misgivings . Then the hospital called and told them that their mother had taken a turn for the worse , and they better come . Harry had not gone earlier because he had been busy in the fields , but this time he and Luella jumped in the car , and Harry drove like fury to that hospital . But when they arrived , Sylvia had already passed away and they didn 't get to see her . Shirley evidently went back with Harry later to obtain her body from the hospital , and she was brought to the home in Northcreek where the viewing was held . Luella was 21 years old at the time and , being the oldest girl , she was not only heartbroken at the loss of her mother , but she also felt the heavy weight of responsibility for the younger children . She was so overwrought that she passed out at the cemetery . This frightened Nola very badly , and she was afraid that Luella was going to die , too . Sylvia was buried in the Beaver cemetery next to her first husband . She horse and broke her neck . The doctor did not expect her to live until the next day and sent her home . She did live , and had a cast put on her neck , and was in bed for several months and finally recuperated . On the second night after the accident , Sylvia appeared to Loretta . Loretta wanted to get up and go to her , but could not get out of the bed . She said to her mother , " Come over to me , " but Sylvia replied that she could not . Then Loretta said , " Then I will come to you . " Sylvia then said , " No , you can not come over to me yet . " By this , Loretta knew As told by Harry Green to Raymond Baker : John Green was married to his first wife , Ellen Danbury , in England , July 26 , 1870 . We came to the United States at the age of three , lived in Bluffdale , Utah one year and moved with parents to Beaver , Utah . At the age of fifteen went to Manilla , Utah , with two other friends with team and buckboard , snowed in for three days on the mountain between Vernal and Lucern Valley . Food was scarce , however , we managed to locate an old sawmill where we found food for the horses and were able to kill three snowshoe rabbits . The third day a four - horse outfit came , broke the trail and we came on through . Came back to Beaver to work on farms in summer and in the mines during the winter months . Went to Twin Falls , Idaho , with team and wagon when I was 19 and worked on canals one year . Was baptized in Church of Jesus Christ of Latter - Day Saints and started to farm and raise livestock . I filed on Blue Lake Reservoir for the North Creek Irrigation Company and was overseer of the building of the dam . Served on the Board of Directors for twenty years . Was president of the North Creek Cattle Association for several years . Henry Percy Green married Oweneva Grover , June 1919 ( Civil Marriage ) . Oweneva was born May 23 , 1899 at Nephi , Utah . Died at North Creek Dec . 12 , 1919 , buried at Beaver . Born to Harry and Oweneva Green , a daughter Oweneva and died the same day Dec . 12 , 1919 . Was buried with her mother , same casket in her mothe 's arms . Henry Percy Green living neighbors to our family seemed to more or less come into our family and was constantly helping and caring for us as only a father could . He and mother were united in marriage Oct . 22 , 1922 . To this union a daughter , Winona , was born and she too passed away soon after birth , May 21 , 1925 . ( Raymond ) I personally felt that being as Mother was so intent that her children go to college was one reason why she and Harry were married , so I could be relieved of responsibilities at home and attend the University . I wil never forget Harry and Mother getting me ready and taking me to town to catch the stage to Milford where Elmer Smith and I had to lay over one night . We had arrived too late to catch the train going to Provo . Yes , I needed a boost to leave home and Harry was there to give me the support . I had worked at a sawmill the preceding summer and worked at many jobs at the school , but it was Harry and my good Mother that gave me the means ( cash ) and desire to carry on . Yes , Harry came into our home and served as a FATHER because I was the oldest of six and I was only 13 when Dad died . Yes , Harry was loved and respected by us all . He had been available so much to help us when we needed help on the farm , with the cattle , irrigation and all that goes with ranch life . Yet for a man to come into a family with six growing young people is to be admired for his courage . We loved him but I wonder if we respected his word as we should of done . . . I 'm afraid not . . . yet he never complained , just kept in there pitching for us . I often wondered just what his reward for this sacrifice he was making for us , raising another man 's family , would do or mean to him . Yet I don 't remember of ever seeing him angry with any of us and the help , courage and determination he gave to our dear Mother in her trials and darker moments were or could not be measured . . . Harry 's farm was so he could pay his obligations , then help with ours which he did freely . Yes , I received much help from them for which I am grateful and could not have remained in school without . When Mother passed on in 1930 , Harry was left with a young family , having raised a family now and saw or had the responsibility of four being married . I realize what must have been his worry as a foster father . Yes , each one did admire and respect him , but like all teenagers we sometimes became a little selfish and didn 't appreciate good advice when given us , so I feel confident that he spent many sleepless hours wondering where his loved ones were and what should be done for their best interests . What a relief it must have been when all six were married to the right people . And that each was now to accept their own responsibilities of life and he could retire to his own little home and self again . Yes , I am sure each of us Baker kids were made bigger and better in more ways than one because Harry Green chose to come into our lives . Now I am sure that each and every one of us would like to do something for him to show our appreciation to him for what he has done for us , if he would only come and spend time with each of us more . How happy we would be . . . but not Harry . Yes , he comes a few times each year and spends a night or so , but he is too independent to let anyone wait on him or to even think he might be intruding on anyone , he just has to be getting back to North Creek and to work . Harry has always been a friend to everyone . I remember when the influenza epidemic was serious in North Creek . Harry and one or two others were the only well members to wait on the sick . Harry took care of Grandpa Twitchell 's family , the Valentine families and others . Grandpa Twitchell says , " I don 't know what we would of done without Harry . He came every day and cleaned up for us , cared for us , and went on his way to the next family . " All were quarantined but Harry kept on just the same , going night and day to help someone else . I don 't remember of ever hearing him angry or saying anything bad about anyone , but I have seen many come to him for advice which he always gave freely . My earliest remembrances of Harry , Uncle Albert , his father and Edna was when they used to act as baby sitters for Shirley and myself . Yes , we would often go up and sleep with them while Mother and Dad went out . It fell my lot to sleep with Harry and Uncle Albert . There I was , each turned his back toward me - covers held high - and those husky men nearly raised the roof with their snoring . . . but they were the kind of neighbors always ready to help whenever they could . Father and Harry used to hunt and fish a great deal , even taking me with them , riding behind one of them on horseback , camp over night . They always got their share plus of fish and game . They would kill a deer , bone it and tie it on the saddle in a couple of jackets and no one the wiser . One time they even tried putting ten and fifteen gallon wooden barrels of fish away in brine . I remember our disappointment when we had to dump them , nice pink Puffer Lake trout , into the pigs . I have always enjoyed hunting trips with Harry and he is one guy who will always give the other fellow the best of everything and take for himself what is left . was the son of Anciel Twitchell and Louisa Samantha Hitchcock . He married Ruth Greenwood on Christmas Day , 1883 , in Beaver . At this time he was working for the railroad . Their first " home " was in a dugout . Their first child , Edith Sylvia , was born there in Beaver , then they moved to Manderfield where Rachael Ann was born . They then moved to North Creek where William Anciel Jr . and a stillborn daughter were born . Alvin Greenwood was born at Beaver , Edward Shirley at Manderfield , and then the last two , Raymond and Ethel Evelyn , were born at William was a prosperous farmer , and owned a large amount of ground and cattle . His favorite pastimes were hunting deer and going fishing . He very seldom missed a shot . He and his sons and grandsons would always get together for an annual deer hunt , and it was William 's job to teach each grandson how to hunt , as they each got old enough . He was a good hiker , very sure on his feet . He had another tradition , though , that was not so good . At this annual hunt , William was famous for drinking plenty of whiskey . He would be so drunk before they got to camp that he couldn 't ride his horse . He would get into the camp wagon . His grandson Shirley once spent the night in the wagon with him , and he remembered that his grandfather even woke up in the middle of the night and took another swig of the whiskey . Most of the men drank some . It would take William several days after this hunt before he could get back it . Vyron Baker remembered that the year he got his colt , hay was in very short supply . They had to turn his colt and another horse , Old Brit , out to fend for themselves for the winter . In the early spring , the two horses came home looking very thin and hungry . Vyron felt sorry for them and gave them some hay . The next morning he found them both lying on the ground . His colt was dead and Old Brit was nearly so . Vyron had not realized that it would not be good to give them so much hay when they were not used to it . Sometime later , William gave Vyron another colt . William was a good provider for his family , but very stern and strict with them . He did not go to church with his wife and children . He evidently favored some of his children more than others . For one reason or another , his first daughter Edith was not one of his favorites . He had wanted her to marry a man named Glen Merchant , but she fell in love with Ray Baker and married him against her father 's wishes . He never quite forgave her for that and was not as William was a healthy man , both in body and mind . He never had severe sickness nor bad teeth . He could mix well in a crowd and loved to hear music . When the people of North Creek would get together for a dance , as they did for special occasion such as Christmas , William and Jim Valentine would do a step dance to entertain the people . Oh , how they could dance ! Also , at Christmas time the grandchildren would all come to the Twitchell home . William would bring out a big sack of candy and nuts . The children would all sit on the floor in a big circle , and William would dump out the candy and nuts on the floor . The children could have all they could pick up . While he lived in North Creek , there were still occasional troubles with the Indians . Whenever he went irrigating , he always took three things : his horse , his shovel , and his gun , to protect himself against Indians . He was quite friendly with most of the Indians , however . He could speak some of their language , and he knew their Chief . Sad to say , William was often remembered for his stubbornness , being set in his ways , and for his difficult mannerisms . He must have done the best he could . He was a tough man in a tough area during a tough period of time . A tribute was written to him after he passed away . It was written by his good friend and neighbor , J . G . McQuarrie : product of the times . His character , or probably his characteristics , were wrought of his own head , rough experiences without any polish from artificial sources . Neither the Church nor the school touched his life in any direct way . He could not stand the restraint of either . It would be foolish , in attempting to sketch his life , to call him a polished gentleman , but he did possess many of the virtues , without which even kings are but puppets . If our state should be invaded , William Twitchell with his deer gun would respond as quickly as did the Minutemen of Lexington . . . . If it so happened that he with his family were driven either into the desert or the mountains , he would survive , where more technically trained men might perish . This man had no use for wealth , he made no struggle to attain it . But out of his North Creek farm he managed not only to provide well for his family , but to establish his boys in a home or a profession . He interests never relaxed until his boys were at least making a living . Mr . Twitchell was a good neighbor . He built good fences . Neither he nor his animals trespassed upon others . He knew the world . . . as God made it . It is a question whether the trained botanist or the biologist knew the wild life or plant life of this section better than he . The workings of his mind and his general characteristics were revealed most clearly in the annual deer hunt . Although he would get with ease his own limit , he was always willing to share spoils and pleasures with the young men who wanted to join his camp . Doctors , teachers , and businessmen followed his suggestions with appreciation and pleasure . He loved the mountains as he loved his fields . Both were a part of and timber , the flowers , or the wild life . Even at the advanced age of 80 years , his zest for the hunt was unbelievable . His sympathy and understanding were such with the boys that they enjoyed being with him . There were no restrictions , neither were there any excuses . We all had Ruth Greenwood was born August 8 , 1865 in Beaver , Utah . She was the eleventh child of William Greenwood Jr . and Ann Hartley . When she was very young , her older brother Barney returned from a trip across the plains , bringing a harmonica with him . It so delighted Ruth that she started playing it and dancing to her own music , much to the amusement of the family . While she was still a little girl , her family had one particular cow that only Ruth could milk . Even if she was sick , they would bring the cow up to the door of the house and she would sit there and milk it . She was baptized when she was 12 years old and was married to William Anciel Twitchell Sr . when she was 18 . They had their first home on Indian Creek ( later called Manderfield ) , and then later settled on North Creek , where they had a nice , light , native pink rock home , which was unusual in that vicinity . Six children , three boys and three girls , were born to this union . Once , not too long after she and William had been married , William hurt Ruth 's feelings somehow , and they had a bit of a disagreement . She ran out of the house and up into the hills , thinking that he would surely follow her and make up with her . It was getting pretty dark , and he didn 't come . He was home pacing the floor and thinking , " If I go after her this time , I 'll be going after her all the time , so I won 't do it . " He was a little worried about her , but he didn 't go after her . She could hear the coyotes howling and she got pretty scared , so she finally went home . She had learned a lesson . She didn 't run away any more after that . was a very good woman and a peacemaker . She would always do more than her share to make others happy . One person said of her that she was quiet and reserved but easy to get along with . Because of this , she was imposed on all her life . She led a hard physical life and was a true pioneer . Her home was always open to everyone . All the relatives enjoyed a picnic at " Aunt Ruth 's " . There was usually a band of Indians camped further north on the creek . Watching them and sometimes teasing always made such experiences exciting for the children . Ruth usually had garden products to share with her relatives , as it seemed they could She liked to dance and go to movies . She worked in the Sunday School and was President of the Primary . She was a very religious woman and always went to church , although her husband didn 't go with her . She always had a little bottle of whiskey in the house which she used for medicine and disinfectant . She had to keep it hidden from her husband , for if he would find it , he would drink it . In her later years , she kept the whiskey in her purse wherever she went . kitten on it . Everyone loved her . She and William took her brother , William Greenwood III , into their home for five years when he was old and feeble . She raised three families : her own eight children ; her daughter Rachael 's daughter ( Susan Merchant ) after Rachael passed away at the age of 29 ; and her son Edward 's family after his wife Jenny Puffer died . An interesting note : Evidently Rachael married Glen Merchant , the fellow that William ( Ruth 's husband ) had picked out for their first daughter , Edith , to marry . Since Edith married someone else , Glen evidently took the next available daughter . Ruth 's granddaughter , Luella , remembered an occasion when a thunderstorm was raging in North Creek where Ruth was living . The lightning struck her home and it went all the way around the four walls of her kitchen . They a large person , as were most of the members of the Greenwood family . She enjoyed good health until the very last part of her life . She was very soft spoken , quiet , and long - suffering throughout her life . She had to wait on her husband during the last part of his life as his health failed , and she did it uncomplainingly . her husband , Ruth lived alone or had one of her grandchildren live in with her in her home on North Creek for quite a few years . She spent some time at the home of her grandson Vyron Baker and his wife Agnes . Vyron tells of the time that she got into the tub to have a bath and then couldn 't get back out . Agnes couldn 't get her out by herself , so they wrapped a big towel around her and Vyron had to come and help get her out of the tub . He was kind of embarrassed and knew that she was embarrassed , so he just tried to make a joke out of it , and they laughed over when she laughed . Vyron also bought her a special rocking chair to sit in while she stayed at his home , and she was so appreciative of his kindness to her . She also loved to have Agnes sing to her . One day she was helping Agnes do the dishes and Agnes started singing a song . Ruth really liked it , so after that , every time they were doing dishes , Agnes had to sing that song for her . The song was called " Wait for Me , Mary . " Another time Vyron and Agnes took Ruth to the zoo . It was the first time she had ever been to such a place and she was so impressed . She especially enjoyed watching the monkeys and laughed and laughed at how the mother would pick the lice out of the baby 's hair . She also like the talking parrots . She loved nature . Ruth was a very modest woman , and wore long skirts all her life . She wore a little bib apron over her skirt all the time . That apron had many uses , In her later years , Ruth also stayed at the home of her granddaughter Nola Morris in Orem , Utah . They loved to have her come , and Nola 's four little girls were always crowded around her , wanting to " help Grandma . " She would use Nola 's broomstick as a sort of a cane to help her get around . Once , Nola took her to a movie , and in it there were quite a few scenes with dancing girls . They were sort of scantily dressed and Nola wondered what Ruth would think of it , but Ruth just laughed and said , " Nola , I really enjoyed it . I would have liked to have been up there dancing with them . " She always did love to dance . When she was a young girl , she and her friend Addie would learn every new dance that came to town . They would practice the dance steps out in the street in their bare feet . Nola had a special feeling for her Grandma Twitchell , for she felt that she had kind of taken the place of her mother Sylvia when she died . All Ruth 's grandchildren loved to have her visit them . Raymond 's wife June remembered that when she came to visit them , her little children would gather around to hear Grandma 's stories . The little girls would bring their dolls and the little boys would bring their trucks , and they would the spring of 1842 , he joined the LDS Church along with his father 's family , and they moved to Missouri and then to Nauvoo , along with the Saints . In Nauvoo , Anciel met Louisa Samantha Hitchcock and they were married just a few months after the martyrdom of the Prophet Joseph on October 7 , 1844 . They had a child , Ephraim , born in Nauvoo on October 10 , 1845 , but he passed away before his first birthday in Council Bluffs , Iowa , following the expulsion of the Saints . There in Council Bluffs , Anciel joined the Mormon Battalion in 1846 and served under General Sterling Price . He underwent all the sufferings incident to that experience , the longest infantry march in history . Anciel was discharged from the Battalion in California , and he liked the area so well that he decided to stay . He sent word to his parents that it was the best place to live , and they should bring his wife and join him there , which they did . Anciel and his brother James were with their father when they were approached by the Mexican bandit , Joaquin and a dozen of his men . They saw him coming , so Ephraim jumped on the big black stallion which Anciel had bought and mounted a knoll where he could see out over the area . Anciel and James hid themselves in the boulders , but had their guns pointed directly at Joaquin . He stopped , saw that the situation was not Anciel and James took the gold they had mined and made payments on some land on a Spanish Land Grant . They built homes and corrals on the ocean front in a beautiful setting and were proud to raise the American Flag which they had made . This happy time did not last very long , however , for a hurricane came in and destroyed all their buildings and stock animals , leaving time only for the people to flee to higher ground . It was after this hurricane that his father Ephraim encountered the stranger who advised him to take his family back to Utah , which story is The Twitchells did return to Utah , and Anciel settled in Beaver . He and his sons built a ranch and kilns in order to bake brick for building homes . They later sold stock animals to the Army and to the railroad people when it came through . Anciel and Samantha had fourteen children . Seven of these children died before reaching the age of five years old . Besides the one that had died in Council Bluffs , three had died in California , and three died in Beaver . Anciel had many experiences with the Indians in Beaver . The Indians would often travel through his pasture and feed their horses there , which he allowed them to do , as many of them were friendly . Some , however , were vicious . The Indians feared and respected Anciel , for he could fight them Indian style and beat them , or live through the torture for the cream to come to the top , and he and his children used up all the milk to keep the fire under control . Their home was not made of lumber as most of the homes of the area were , but it was made of brick and cut rock . The Indians had stolen most of his horses , but they had not gone near the pen where his stallion was kept so , after they left , Anciel mounted the stallion and followed them . He shot the two men that had his horses and brought the horses back . Once , when Anciel was away from home , the Indians came on a raid . The children hid up in the loft . While the Indians were laughing and stealing things down below , William put his head out of the loft and said " Get . " The Indians were superstitious and believed in signs , and since they couldn 't tell where the voice came from or who it was , they did leave . kill him . The Indian dropped Eunice and swore to kill William , who darted in and out of fences to keep out of his way . Eunice ran to Uncle but they did live it in their own style . They often combined recreation and religion by having services and cottage meetings in connection with a big feast of barbecued beef . He finally erected a meeting house , and in combination a co - op ( what we would call a Bishop 's storehouse ) where goods were stored to protect anyone from hunger . They While living in Beaver , Anciel took a second wife in plural marriage . Her name was Margaret Malinda Brown , and they had two children . Six years after their marriage , this second wife died , so Louisa took her two small girls and raised them as her own . Anciel Twitchell always believed in God , and the Golden Rule was his byword . He built many homes that stood the test of time . While building one of these homes a roof beam fell and hit him on the head . This caused him to experience blackouts . When he was nearing his 74th birthday , Anciel accidentally fell backwards , most likely from one of these blackouts , into the fireplace in his old farm residence causing his death . He was buried in the Beaver Cemetery . Louisa lived another nine years after his death , and she was also buried in the Beaver Cemetery . 2 ) Family group records The following is taken from an article describing the construction of buildings in Beaver , Utah . As soon as the technology could be developed , citizens of Beaver began to make fired brick . They were among the first people in Utah to build with this much superior masonry product . The earliest known commercially time , or perhaps a year later . There were at least two early brick - making plants , one operated by the Patterson family near a clay deposit near South Creek about four miles south of town , the other run by Anciel Twitchell and sons at Indian Creek ( now Manderfield ) . The red brick from both plants was soft when compared to later pressed brick , but was superior in strength and durability to adobe . Its greater expense meant that some settlers would continue to build with adobe . This red brick home is located in Manderfield north of Center Street with the small church house to the south . Perhaps it is a Twitchell built home using brick that they made . It is surrounded by debris and many sheds and corrals . This home is included in Beaver historic homes and it is said to have been built by Anciel Among the important early brick buildings was the Beaver Stake Tabernacle , started after the first log meetinghouse burned down in 1865 . The construction of the tabernacle epitomized the cooperative effort for which pioneer society is known . Robert Wiley and Samuel Edwards laid the stone foundation . The brick was supplied by Twitchel and sons , while the lime was burned by Joseph Tattersall , David Powell , and David Davey . This tabernacle building was torn down in 1931 . The lot is now occupied by a Daughters of the Utah Pioneers Museum . Louisa Samantha Hitchcock was born June 5 , 1828 in Rochester , Maine County , New York to Seth Hitchcock and Sarah Anne Rhodes . The Hitchcock family ( her mother had remarried ) moved to Nauvoo , Illinois by the time Louisa Samantha was a young girl . At just 16 years of age she married Anciel Twitchell on October 7 , 1844 in Nauvoo , Hancock County , Illinois . On October 7 , 1945 she gave birth to a son , Ephraim . That winter or early spring of 1846 , the family was driven from their home in Nauvoo and settled in Keg Creek , near Council Bluffs , Iowa . In the summer of 1846 , Anciel Twitchell enlisted in the Mormon Battalion and was assigned to Company D . He marched with this company to Fort Leavenworth , Kansas , and thence to Santa Fe , New Mexico , and finally to the Pacific Coast . Louisa Samantha and her son had been left with his parents . The little boy died September 9 , 1846 just short of his first birthday and soon after his father had left for his military service . John Chester Hitchcock , younger brother of Louisa Samantha , helped drive her wagon to Utah when they left Iowa in 1848 . John Chester also went along with the Twitchell family to California . John Chester claims that his step - father , Samuel Fowler , beat him so he left home . Samuel Fowler died in Council Bluffs on July 24 , 1848 shortly after John Chester and Louisa Samantha would have left for Utah . Samuel married Sarah Anne ( called Sally ) in 1835 after his wife and Seth Hitchcock had both passed away in 1834 . They had five children Louisa Samantha would give birth to fourteen children in all , seven of whom died before the age of five . Their children were Ephriam 1845 - 1846 , Martha Ann 1850 - 1851 , Franklin 1851 - 1853 , Elizabeth 1854 - 1934 , Melissa Ursula 1856 - 1856 , Parley Pratt 1857 - 1934 , William Anciel ( my husband 's 2nd great grandfather ) 1859 - 1940 , John Franklin 1862 - 1936 , Francis Edward 1864 - 1920 , Silas Andrew 1867 - 1939 , Andrew Jackson 1869 - 1869 , Chauncey M 1871 - 1872 , and Jasper Newton 1876 - 1877 . family to Warsaw , NY in 1815 . The 1830 Census shows Seth as a head of household with four children . Sometime between 1829 and 1834 Seth joined the newly organized Church of Jesus Christ of Latter - day Saints . He was a member of Zion 's Camp who went to Missouri to aid persecuted members of the Church there . In Church History records it states on the 24th of June , 1834 that Seth was called the 2nd man to die of Cholera in the group and buried in a common grave with two other men who also died about the same time . They were buried on the banks of Rush Creek , Clay , Missouri . In 1976 the State of Missouri , while examining historical sites , exhumed this grave site . Three bodies were found , one being Seth Hitchcock . Seth married Sarah or Sally Ann Rhodes about 1821 . They were the parents of seven children . In 1863 and 1864 , leaders of the Church speaking in Salt Lake City , Utah , spoke of men who had passed on in the early days of the Church . They spoke of Seth Hitchcock 's honesty when he was given $ 400 to give to |
It began last January as I began to purchase 2014 Christmas fabric at discount prices . I loved this quilt in Quiltmania magazine and knew it would appeal to my oldest son 's wife and the style of her house . It required many , many tiny flying geese . I saw this quilt on display in my local quilt shop , American Quilting . I loved the cheeriness and color palette and felt like it would please my youngest son 's wife and her style . I purchased a kit for the quilt which included the fabric line , Merry Stitches . It included panel pieces as well , but the flying geese blocks were very big . Solstice by Kate Spain was used for my middle son 's family . I knew that my DIL would like its more modern vibe . I finished this quilt top last Spring , but didn 't machine quilt it until November . This Santa quilt was also in Quiltmania magazine a couple of years ago . I loved it and it was so fun to make it for my daughter and her family . I like it so much that I am going to make one for myself . I ended up using a darker grey of the Quilter 's Linen for the stop border . The red border is from the Solstice line . I originally thought I would use it for the back of the Solstice quilt but it was just too much red . It worked perfectly for this quilt . I appliqued on the beards and reindeer ears , then embroidered faces and antlers . I sewed the ric rac on before machine quilting . A grey minky with small stars is on the back of this quilt . Daniel Ray Baker was born April 13 , 1880 in Beaver , Utah . He was the son of Phillip Baker and Harriet Ann Thompson . Not much is known of his early life except that he was a dutiful boy , went through the eighth grade in school and was a good reader , penman , and mathematician . His son Raymond remembered that he hauled cord wood to the Murdock Academy for the furnace there and he measured the load very accurately . The men who received it were amazed that he was correct when they figured it out on paper . Water users very often called him to come to measure their streams to determine if they had their just amounts , always being satisfied with his decisions . He met with a group to decide on the feasibility of building a dam at Blue Lake , and was often called to help Ray met Edith Sylvia Twitchell when they were both fishing . She was fishing down stream and he was fishing up stream . They met at Hutching 's Dam . She didn 't have very many fish , so he gave her some of his . They kept meeting at their fishing places , and he would give her big " messes " of fish . Soon her father got wind of what was going on . He knew someone had been giving her fish . He wanted Sylvia to marry a man named Glen Merchant because he had a lot of money . Ray began to come up to North Creek to the town dances , and it was not long before he After they were married , Ray and Sylvia both went to work at the sulfur mine nearby . She worked as a cook and he worked in the mine until they had saved enough money to purchase a farm in North Creek from Mose and Minty Edwards ( this is Harriet Marintha Baker Edwards . She was Ray 's sister ) . They bought the old school house and moved it onto their farm , later adding on the back rooms and an upper story . This home still stands today . Ray 's friend , LaMont McQuarrie , helped him build on the kitchen . Ray tried to dig a well for drinking water , but they couldn 't succeed at that , so they had to fill it back up again . Here in North Creek both Ray and Sylvia spent the remainder of their time on earth . They had six children born to them ; Raymond , Shirley , Louella , Loretta , Vyron , and Nola . They had a lot of love in their family . Every Sunday afternoon after Sunday School was over in North Creek , the people of the community would gather for some kind of sporting activity ; either a picnic , a ball game , a shooting match , or something like that . Often the Manderfield community would join in the activities . Most of these activities were held at the Baker home . At the shooting matches , Ray was either the captain of the team , or the first one chosen on the team , for he was an expert shot . At first , everyone wanted to borrow his new rifle , a " 32 special . " However , he pulled a trick on them . He moved the sight just a little to one side . He knew how to adjust for the difference , so he could continue to hit the target , but they couldn 't do it , so they soon stopped asking to borrow his gun . Usually , the losers of the shooting match had to provide a dance for the winners , including the food . Sometimes they would use roosters as targets , and sometimes they would bet on these matches . The money would go to buy uniforms for the North Creek baseball team , which Daniel played on . Ray could outdo most of the men in boxing , jumping , or anything they could challenge him with . Every so often , Ray would bring the wagon around and gather up all the family and they would go over to Manderfield to visit their cousins . They loved to visit Uncle Rube and Aunt Florence in Manderfield . This uncle and aunt were really cousins of the Baker children , but they were enough older that they were called aunt and uncle . They would make up a big family bed on the floor and all sleep together . Although they were very busy with the farm , they took the time to get out and enjoy themselves , too . Each summer they had a family fishing trip that included all the cousins , and it lasted for a week or so . They also went camping quite a bit . The Baker extended family still gathers to the mountains above North Creek and Beaver the first week of August each year . The following carvings were shared with everyone at one such gathering . It was common to carve one 's initials on the beautiful quaking aspen trees in the mountains above North Creek . This piece of bark was rescued from a tree after a forest fire in the area . On July 24 , 1911 ; Sylvia Baker 's and Ray Baker 's initials were carved for future posterity Ray was a very clean and orderly man . His farm was very well kept and no fence was ever broken but what it was fixed with the greatest of care . His door yard was also very clean and neat . In fact , his farm was one of the most up - to - date and well - kept farms around North Creek . He was a good provider . Shirley remembered that at one time Ray filled a 50 gallon barrel full of salted fish , and another one of cured pork . The pork was wonderful , but the fish didn 't keep very well , and they were all disappointed when it had to be fed to the pigs . Ray raised hay for his cows , and the family had their own milk , cheese , butter , and grain which provided them with mush and flour . They didn 't have much money , but they were a happy family . His daughter Louella remembered that he would chase her around the house with his face all lathered up for shaving , and she would run for dear life . She also remembered that during the winter months , Ray would often get on Old Burt and lead Mary , Indian Creek ) . Whenever he went into the hills , he always had his rifle with him , tied to his saddle . He was known as the provider of deer meet for all the families of North Creek , which was about 12 families at that time . About once a month , winter or summer , he would kill a deer and divide it among the community . Although it was against the law even then to kill deer out of season , hunger of his family and friends was more important . The game warden , Si Davis , tried very hard to catch him in the act of killing a deer , but Ray was always one jump ahead of him . When Si started threatening him , Ray said , " Si , if you ever get that close to me , I will have my sights on you , and you had better look the other way . " Si took him seriously and didn 't both Ray any more . There was a mountain lion in the hills that was known as " Old Scar - Foot . " It would come down and kill cattle and sheep , and the community was anxious to get rid of it . Someone had gotten a shot at it see that the colt had gotten tangled in the barbed wire and been cut very badly . It 's wind pipe had a hole in it , and he could hear the air going in and out of that hole . Edith called some of Ray 's friends to come and help him , and they told him that it was no use to try to save that colt and he should put it out of its misery . However , Ray was determined to keep it alive if at all possible . He sewed up the hole in to cover the wound . He tore up bed sheets and wrapped them around the colts neck and down between its legs . He had some black oil which he kept on hand to doctor animals on such occasions , and he poured this on the cut . The colt lived and grew to be a good sized mare . It could be ridden , but it would tire easily because of its former injuries . They called this colt " Net " because of the net wire fence that had cut the colt . and his friends left the next morning to pick up the track of the mountain lion , Old Scar Foot . That mountain lion had leaped onto the colt 's back and left big scratches on her . She had evidently run into the fence and that had thrown the lion off her back , and that was why she got so badly cut up . The men tracked the lion up through the cedars Old Scar Foot was pretty smart . He seemed to know what to do to lose his pursuers . He would go in a circle and go right back over the same path where he had been before , until he was following those who thought they were following him . That was why he had never been killed before . He was too tricky . The men with Ray had their rifles and their dogs , and they had to keep a sharp lookout to make sure that the lion wasn 't up on a ledge above them , ready to pounce . After making a circle , going and the others would continue following the tracks . Ray wanted to be the one to get revenge on the lion for what it had done to his colt , so he and Harry selected a spot and waited for an hour or two . It was very dog became nervous and started to growl . In a few minutes , here came the cougar . It wasn 't on the exact trail that it had been on before , but it was a ways off . Finally the lion got into a bare spot of ground which was a little higher than the scrub oak and brush in the area . This was Scar - Foot 's fatal mistake . Ray got a good shot , and Scar - Foot dropped in his tracks . Ray gave a war whoop for he had gotten his revenge . It was a large mountain lion about 10 feet from tip to tail . After quite an effort , they finally got it loaded onto a gentle horse named Burt . When they rode into North Creek , everyone turned out to celebrate . Their worries were over now . During his short life , Ray was assistant superintendent to the Sunday School under Harry Green , and he was first counselor in the MIA , also under Harry . Ray was evidently baptized in 1889 , but perhaps there was no record kept . At any rate , he was re - baptized on May 5 , 1903 , the day John F . McGregor to be the Presiding Elder ( Branch President ) in North Creek . He was a very well respected man and was liked by all . He was fair in all his dealings and always tried to make others happy . He was also a good step dancer and had learned to play the guitar . He would sing for people if they coaxed him and had quite a good voice . In the fall of 1917 , Ray helped his neighbors thresh their grain . When they had finished in North Creek , the threshing machine moved on to the next town and Ray was hired to go along and help . When they were threshing in Manderfield , he was stricken with a terrible abdominal pain . He got on his horse to ride home , but before he reached home the pain became so bad that he could not ride any longer , and had to get off and walk . His sons saw him coming through the field , nearly bent double with the pain , but he did not tell them that he was sick . He had her a new center table . They bought the table , and while he was in town he ordered a new Ford car , the first one to come into Beaver . How thrilled he was to tell his anxious boys about this car , but it was not to be . The hard - earned money had to be used for funeral expenses . He evidently had appendicitis , but the doctors didn 't know what it was , and began to turn dark . Gangrene had set in . They split open a live chicken and placed it over his stomach to relieve the pain . The doctor came and stayed the entire time . Raymond was allowed to remain up that night until his father passed away , which was about 4 : 00 a . m . Edith completely collapsed and the doctor had to work with her for some time . Ray was conscious until the end . He signed some papers and knew the end was near . Shirley remembered that he called all the children in and him of his suffering . Then his pains relaxed , he gripped Raymond 's hand and a little smile came over his face . He closed the grayish blue eyes and it was the end . They put quarters over his eyes to keep them shut , and packed him in ice . This was November 11 , 1917 . He was buried in the Beaver cemetery . It was said that his was the largest funeral held in Beaver up till that time . you will be doing this for me ? " Six months later , Harry Green and Raymond were doing it for him . At the time of his death , Ray was only 37 years old . His son , Raymond was 13 , Shirley was 11 , Louella was 8 , Loretta was 4 , Vyron was 2 , and baby Nola was only six months old . Edith Sylvia Twitchell Edith Sylvia Twitchell was born February 12 , 1885 in Beaver , Utah . She was the daughter of William Ancil Twitchell and Ruth Greenwood . Not much is known of her childhood . She was baptized August 8 , 1893 , at the Sylvia met Daniel Ray Baker , who was from Beaver , when they were both fishing the same stream . They continued to meet and fish together , and Ray would give her some fish to take home . When Sylvia 's father found out what was going on , he was not very happy . He had planned for his daughter to marry Glen Marchant who had quite a bit of money . But Sylvia knew who she liked , and she continued to see Ray . It was not long before they were engaged , and then they traveled to Manti to be married in the temple on May 6 , 1903 . As a new bride , Sylvia worked as a cook at the sulphur mine nearby ( Sulfur Dell , between Cove Fort and Beaver ) , in order to help her husband save enough money to buy a 33 - acre farm in Northcreek . They moved onto that farm , and there she bore six beautiful children , all of whom lived to a ripe old age . Not one child from this marriage was lost Sylvia was a proud woman and would not ask anyone for help . She was very patient and treated everyone fairly and taught her children to be honest , fair , and just . On one occasion , two of her sons , Raymond and Shirley , stole some eggs , and she made them take the eggs back and apologize to the owner . Sylvia liked the out - of - doors and she loved to shoot the gun . She would shoot hoot owls from the top of the derrick if and caring for the sick , often receiving very little money in return , and sometimes very little thanks . Sometimes she would be gone for two or three days nursing the sick , or she would sometimes bring them into her own home so that she could care for her own family as well as the sick person . Sylvia always had a large , well cared for garden , one of the best in the area . She was a good cook and did a lot of canning at harvest time , including deer meat and chickens . The deer meat was canned in a big copper boiler which would hold 20 quart jars . This meat had to be boiled for 4 hours ( they didn 't have pressure cookers then ) . She heated After only fourteen years of marriage , Sylvia was left a widow at the age of 32 . Her husband died of a ruptured appendix , which the doctors did not understand , calling it inflammation of the bowels . This was during the harvest season of 1917 . Now Sylvia was left to raise her children ( the oldest of whom was 13 and the youngest was 6 months old ) , and to run the farm by herself . The neighbors were very good to help with the big projects like haying , etc . , but it was still a very heavy burden . She taught her children to work hard and soon the older ones were able to get jobs to help out . They would all get up early in the morning before school to do the chores and separate the milk ( taking the cream out of it ) , and then they had to haul the milk to town with the horse and buggy . Often her brother Will would pass them by in his car and not even offer to help them . This is mentioned , not to discredit Will , as he was in many ways a fine person , but only for the sake of portraying some of the sorrows that Sylvia felt . The family also had to stockpile enough wood to last them for the winter . They would go into the hills where Sylvia would chop the trees down , and the boys would drag the wood and chop it into smaller pieces to use . The girls learned to help their mother , and they particularly hated the job of scrubbing the week 's worth of socks on the scrubbing board . After they had been scrubbed and rinsed , they were hung out on the barbed wire fence to dry . Laundry was a major project for them , taking up the major part of a whole day each week . Sylvia made her own soap in the large bathtub , and it was used for all cleaning projects . After a few years , Sylvia purchased a Maytag washer , which proved to be a field , she said , " Let 's see if you can do it . " He tried it and did pretty well , so she left him to it , which made him feel very important . His legs were not strong enough to push the lever to lift the blade on the turns , but he tried . She watched him from a distance , and as he seemed to do all right , that became his job from then on . When Luella was about 13 , Sylvia was making eight loaves of bread every other day , and she thought Luella was getting old enough to start making bread . Luella didn 't want to , and said so . So one day Sylvia came up behind her and got hold of her hands and pushed them right down in the bread dough , and after that Luella took her turn mixing the bread . all the disks scalded and dried . There were about 35 - 50 disks , and it was a terrible job . One time Sylvia was turning the separator , and she After that Shirley started helping with the separating . The milkman came and picked up the cream once or twice a week , and later when they sold milk he would come and pick it up every day . Sylvia would make a weekly trip to Beaver with her milk money to buy groceries and things that they couldn 't raise on the farm . The grocery man would always give her a Luella remembered that after Ray 's death , Sylvia had a visitor by the name of Zote Manhard . He evidently thought he wanted to court the widow , but she wanted nothing to do with him . She told Luella that whenever that man came around , she wanted Luella to stay right with her and not go anywhere . So Luella developed a mistrust of anyone who might her care for her children . After consulting with the children , it was agreed , and they were married in the Salt Lake Temple for time ( in other words , for this life only , as she was already sealed to Ray Baker ) , on October 5 , 1922 . During that trip to the temple , Sylvia was proxy for Harry 's first wife so that they could be sealed together . The In 1923 , Sylvia and Harry were expecting a baby , and when it came time for the birth they sent for the doctor . Vyron and Nola were sent outside to the end of the lane to watch for the doctor so that he would be sure to find their house , as it was night time . They were scared to death to be out in the dark like that , being only six and eight years old , but they did it as they were told as it was their duty . The doctor took his time to get there , and the baby had laid in the birth canal so long that it was stillborn , a lovely little girl . Aunt Florence and Aunt to get her to breathe , but they had to give up . Sylvia had made a beautiful layette while she was expecting , and now that she didn 't need it , she gave the baby clothes to Edna and Victor Crosby who were expecting a baby and having a hard time making ends meet . Sylvia buried her little girl in a beautiful pink dress that two of her friends had tatted for her . Harry was heartbroken over this turn of events , as he had already buried a wife and child . He was probably afraid that Sylvia the Northcreek Branch . Vyron remembered that as a young teenager , he and a friend tried to make some malt whiskey . They made the mistake of sharing their secret with Shirley , who went home and told Harry . Harry told Sylvia , and she marched the boys down to their hiding place and poured out every bottle onto the ground . Cemetery . She would spend a lot of time previous to that day , making flowers out of crepe paper , and then she would send the children out to gather whatever flowers they could find ; yellow roses from the orchard , and such things as Indian paint brush , sego lilies , and buttercups from the hillsides . They would have many tubs of flowers , and would go all over the cemetery with their remembrances for their relatives and friends who had passed on . Vyron remembered that it took all day to do this , and he would get tired of hauling tubs of flowers . It made enough Sylvia almost always made a cake for the Sunday afternoon community gatherings which were often at her home . No wonder the neighbors and relatives liked to come there ! She also often made homemade ice cream as a treat for the children , since they always had plenty of milk and cream . Nola remembered how they did it : Combine 6 eggs , 1 - 2 cups flour , 3 cups sugar , some lemon and vanilla flavoring , and cook as a custard . Cool , add cream , and then freeze it in the ice cream freezer . This freezer was turned by hand . They got the ice for the freezer from in a wagon and distributed to the various homes during the warmer months . The rock salt they used in the freezer was some of the rock salt that they had for their cattle to lick . It required a two - day trip Sylvia and Harry sold some of their cattle in order to help send their children to the BYU in Provo . Just before Shirley went to college , he had appendicitis , and his appendix ruptured . He had to be in the hospital , and Sylvia was beside herself , wondering how she was going to pay this bill . Vyron had been working at various odd jobs , and had saved up $ 30 , which was a lot of money for a teenage boy at that time . He gladly gave his money to help pay for Shirley 's operation , and never regretted doing it . It was while her oldest children were attending the Brigham Young University that Sylvia 's health began to fail . She evidently had a tumor of the uterus . She had been sending her students food and money whenever she could in order to help them out . Shirley came home from school that summer , but Raymond was married and he was living in Thistle be much left . " Sylvia was taken to the hospital in Milford to have a hysterectomy and appendectomy . Vyron was out working in the field when she left , and he waved good - bye to her , and regretted ever after that he had not gone into the house to tell her good - bye and to tell her how much he loved her . She died the third day after the surgery . Vyron and the three girls had gone to the hospital to visit her that third day . They could tell that she was dying . Vyron went in first . He squeezed her hand and pretty soon she opened her eyes . They were glazed , but she recognized him and said , " Oh , my son . " He wanted to tell her that he was sorry that he had not told her of his love on the day she had left home for the hospital , but he did not get a chance . She told him of her love for said no more . Then the girls went in to see her , and she said about the same thing to them . The people at the hospital told the children that their mother was doing all right and that they could go home . So they went home with misgivings . Then the hospital called and told them that their mother had taken a turn for the worse , and they better come . Harry had not gone earlier because he had been busy in the fields , but this time he and Luella jumped in the car , and Harry drove like fury to that hospital . But when they arrived , Sylvia had already passed away and they didn 't get to see her . Shirley evidently went back with Harry later to obtain her body from the hospital , and she was brought to the home in Northcreek where the viewing was held . Luella was 21 years old at the time and , being the oldest girl , she was not only heartbroken at the loss of her mother , but she also felt the heavy weight of responsibility for the younger children . She was so overwrought that she passed out at the cemetery . This frightened Nola very badly , and she was afraid that Luella was going to die , too . Sylvia was buried in the Beaver cemetery next to her first husband . She horse and broke her neck . The doctor did not expect her to live until the next day and sent her home . She did live , and had a cast put on her neck , and was in bed for several months and finally recuperated . On the second night after the accident , Sylvia appeared to Loretta . Loretta wanted to get up and go to her , but could not get out of the bed . She said to her mother , " Come over to me , " but Sylvia replied that she could not . Then Loretta said , " Then I will come to you . " Sylvia then said , " No , you can not come over to me yet . " By this , Loretta knew As told by Harry Green to Raymond Baker : John Green was married to his first wife , Ellen Danbury , in England , July 26 , 1870 . We came to the United States at the age of three , lived in Bluffdale , Utah one year and moved with parents to Beaver , Utah . At the age of fifteen went to Manilla , Utah , with two other friends with team and buckboard , snowed in for three days on the mountain between Vernal and Lucern Valley . Food was scarce , however , we managed to locate an old sawmill where we found food for the horses and were able to kill three snowshoe rabbits . The third day a four - horse outfit came , broke the trail and we came on through . Came back to Beaver to work on farms in summer and in the mines during the winter months . Went to Twin Falls , Idaho , with team and wagon when I was 19 and worked on canals one year . Was baptized in Church of Jesus Christ of Latter - Day Saints and started to farm and raise livestock . I filed on Blue Lake Reservoir for the North Creek Irrigation Company and was overseer of the building of the dam . Served on the Board of Directors for twenty years . Was president of the North Creek Cattle Association for several years . Henry Percy Green married Oweneva Grover , June 1919 ( Civil Marriage ) . Oweneva was born May 23 , 1899 at Nephi , Utah . Died at North Creek Dec . 12 , 1919 , buried at Beaver . Born to Harry and Oweneva Green , a daughter Oweneva and died the same day Dec . 12 , 1919 . Was buried with her mother , same casket in her mothe 's arms . Henry Percy Green living neighbors to our family seemed to more or less come into our family and was constantly helping and caring for us as only a father could . He and mother were united in marriage Oct . 22 , 1922 . To this union a daughter , Winona , was born and she too passed away soon after birth , May 21 , 1925 . ( Raymond ) I personally felt that being as Mother was so intent that her children go to college was one reason why she and Harry were married , so I could be relieved of responsibilities at home and attend the University . I wil never forget Harry and Mother getting me ready and taking me to town to catch the stage to Milford where Elmer Smith and I had to lay over one night . We had arrived too late to catch the train going to Provo . Yes , I needed a boost to leave home and Harry was there to give me the support . I had worked at a sawmill the preceding summer and worked at many jobs at the school , but it was Harry and my good Mother that gave me the means ( cash ) and desire to carry on . Yes , Harry came into our home and served as a FATHER because I was the oldest of six and I was only 13 when Dad died . Yes , Harry was loved and respected by us all . He had been available so much to help us when we needed help on the farm , with the cattle , irrigation and all that goes with ranch life . Yet for a man to come into a family with six growing young people is to be admired for his courage . We loved him but I wonder if we respected his word as we should of done . . . I 'm afraid not . . . yet he never complained , just kept in there pitching for us . I often wondered just what his reward for this sacrifice he was making for us , raising another man 's family , would do or mean to him . Yet I don 't remember of ever seeing him angry with any of us and the help , courage and determination he gave to our dear Mother in her trials and darker moments were or could not be measured . . . Harry 's farm was so he could pay his obligations , then help with ours which he did freely . Yes , I received much help from them for which I am grateful and could not have remained in school without . When Mother passed on in 1930 , Harry was left with a young family , having raised a family now and saw or had the responsibility of four being married . I realize what must have been his worry as a foster father . Yes , each one did admire and respect him , but like all teenagers we sometimes became a little selfish and didn 't appreciate good advice when given us , so I feel confident that he spent many sleepless hours wondering where his loved ones were and what should be done for their best interests . What a relief it must have been when all six were married to the right people . And that each was now to accept their own responsibilities of life and he could retire to his own little home and self again . Yes , I am sure each of us Baker kids were made bigger and better in more ways than one because Harry Green chose to come into our lives . Now I am sure that each and every one of us would like to do something for him to show our appreciation to him for what he has done for us , if he would only come and spend time with each of us more . How happy we would be . . . but not Harry . Yes , he comes a few times each year and spends a night or so , but he is too independent to let anyone wait on him or to even think he might be intruding on anyone , he just has to be getting back to North Creek and to work . Harry has always been a friend to everyone . I remember when the influenza epidemic was serious in North Creek . Harry and one or two others were the only well members to wait on the sick . Harry took care of Grandpa Twitchell 's family , the Valentine families and others . Grandpa Twitchell says , " I don 't know what we would of done without Harry . He came every day and cleaned up for us , cared for us , and went on his way to the next family . " All were quarantined but Harry kept on just the same , going night and day to help someone else . I don 't remember of ever hearing him angry or saying anything bad about anyone , but I have seen many come to him for advice which he always gave freely . My earliest remembrances of Harry , Uncle Albert , his father and Edna was when they used to act as baby sitters for Shirley and myself . Yes , we would often go up and sleep with them while Mother and Dad went out . It fell my lot to sleep with Harry and Uncle Albert . There I was , each turned his back toward me - covers held high - and those husky men nearly raised the roof with their snoring . . . but they were the kind of neighbors always ready to help whenever they could . Father and Harry used to hunt and fish a great deal , even taking me with them , riding behind one of them on horseback , camp over night . They always got their share plus of fish and game . They would kill a deer , bone it and tie it on the saddle in a couple of jackets and no one the wiser . One time they even tried putting ten and fifteen gallon wooden barrels of fish away in brine . I remember our disappointment when we had to dump them , nice pink Puffer Lake trout , into the pigs . I have always enjoyed hunting trips with Harry and he is one guy who will always give the other fellow the best of everything and take for himself what is left . was the son of Anciel Twitchell and Louisa Samantha Hitchcock . He married Ruth Greenwood on Christmas Day , 1883 , in Beaver . At this time he was working for the railroad . Their first " home " was in a dugout . Their first child , Edith Sylvia , was born there in Beaver , then they moved to Manderfield where Rachael Ann was born . They then moved to North Creek where William Anciel Jr . and a stillborn daughter were born . Alvin Greenwood was born at Beaver , Edward Shirley at Manderfield , and then the last two , Raymond and Ethel Evelyn , were born at William was a prosperous farmer , and owned a large amount of ground and cattle . His favorite pastimes were hunting deer and going fishing . He very seldom missed a shot . He and his sons and grandsons would always get together for an annual deer hunt , and it was William 's job to teach each grandson how to hunt , as they each got old enough . He was a good hiker , very sure on his feet . He had another tradition , though , that was not so good . At this annual hunt , William was famous for drinking plenty of whiskey . He would be so drunk before they got to camp that he couldn 't ride his horse . He would get into the camp wagon . His grandson Shirley once spent the night in the wagon with him , and he remembered that his grandfather even woke up in the middle of the night and took another swig of the whiskey . Most of the men drank some . It would take William several days after this hunt before he could get back it . Vyron Baker remembered that the year he got his colt , hay was in very short supply . They had to turn his colt and another horse , Old Brit , out to fend for themselves for the winter . In the early spring , the two horses came home looking very thin and hungry . Vyron felt sorry for them and gave them some hay . The next morning he found them both lying on the ground . His colt was dead and Old Brit was nearly so . Vyron had not realized that it would not be good to give them so much hay when they were not used to it . Sometime later , William gave Vyron another colt . William was a good provider for his family , but very stern and strict with them . He did not go to church with his wife and children . He evidently favored some of his children more than others . For one reason or another , his first daughter Edith was not one of his favorites . He had wanted her to marry a man named Glen Merchant , but she fell in love with Ray Baker and married him against her father 's wishes . He never quite forgave her for that and was not as William was a healthy man , both in body and mind . He never had severe sickness nor bad teeth . He could mix well in a crowd and loved to hear music . When the people of North Creek would get together for a dance , as they did for special occasion such as Christmas , William and Jim Valentine would do a step dance to entertain the people . Oh , how they could dance ! Also , at Christmas time the grandchildren would all come to the Twitchell home . William would bring out a big sack of candy and nuts . The children would all sit on the floor in a big circle , and William would dump out the candy and nuts on the floor . The children could have all they could pick up . While he lived in North Creek , there were still occasional troubles with the Indians . Whenever he went irrigating , he always took three things : his horse , his shovel , and his gun , to protect himself against Indians . He was quite friendly with most of the Indians , however . He could speak some of their language , and he knew their Chief . Sad to say , William was often remembered for his stubbornness , being set in his ways , and for his difficult mannerisms . He must have done the best he could . He was a tough man in a tough area during a tough period of time . A tribute was written to him after he passed away . It was written by his good friend and neighbor , J . G . McQuarrie : product of the times . His character , or probably his characteristics , were wrought of his own head , rough experiences without any polish from artificial sources . Neither the Church nor the school touched his life in any direct way . He could not stand the restraint of either . It would be foolish , in attempting to sketch his life , to call him a polished gentleman , but he did possess many of the virtues , without which even kings are but puppets . If our state should be invaded , William Twitchell with his deer gun would respond as quickly as did the Minutemen of Lexington . . . . If it so happened that he with his family were driven either into the desert or the mountains , he would survive , where more technically trained men might perish . This man had no use for wealth , he made no struggle to attain it . But out of his North Creek farm he managed not only to provide well for his family , but to establish his boys in a home or a profession . He interests never relaxed until his boys were at least making a living . Mr . Twitchell was a good neighbor . He built good fences . Neither he nor his animals trespassed upon others . He knew the world . . . as God made it . It is a question whether the trained botanist or the biologist knew the wild life or plant life of this section better than he . The workings of his mind and his general characteristics were revealed most clearly in the annual deer hunt . Although he would get with ease his own limit , he was always willing to share spoils and pleasures with the young men who wanted to join his camp . Doctors , teachers , and businessmen followed his suggestions with appreciation and pleasure . He loved the mountains as he loved his fields . Both were a part of and timber , the flowers , or the wild life . Even at the advanced age of 80 years , his zest for the hunt was unbelievable . His sympathy and understanding were such with the boys that they enjoyed being with him . There were no restrictions , neither were there any excuses . We all had Ruth Greenwood was born August 8 , 1865 in Beaver , Utah . She was the eleventh child of William Greenwood Jr . and Ann Hartley . When she was very young , her older brother Barney returned from a trip across the plains , bringing a harmonica with him . It so delighted Ruth that she started playing it and dancing to her own music , much to the amusement of the family . While she was still a little girl , her family had one particular cow that only Ruth could milk . Even if she was sick , they would bring the cow up to the door of the house and she would sit there and milk it . She was baptized when she was 12 years old and was married to William Anciel Twitchell Sr . when she was 18 . They had their first home on Indian Creek ( later called Manderfield ) , and then later settled on North Creek , where they had a nice , light , native pink rock home , which was unusual in that vicinity . Six children , three boys and three girls , were born to this union . Once , not too long after she and William had been married , William hurt Ruth 's feelings somehow , and they had a bit of a disagreement . She ran out of the house and up into the hills , thinking that he would surely follow her and make up with her . It was getting pretty dark , and he didn 't come . He was home pacing the floor and thinking , " If I go after her this time , I 'll be going after her all the time , so I won 't do it . " He was a little worried about her , but he didn 't go after her . She could hear the coyotes howling and she got pretty scared , so she finally went home . She had learned a lesson . She didn 't run away any more after that . was a very good woman and a peacemaker . She would always do more than her share to make others happy . One person said of her that she was quiet and reserved but easy to get along with . Because of this , she was imposed on all her life . She led a hard physical life and was a true pioneer . Her home was always open to everyone . All the relatives enjoyed a picnic at " Aunt Ruth 's " . There was usually a band of Indians camped further north on the creek . Watching them and sometimes teasing always made such experiences exciting for the children . Ruth usually had garden products to share with her relatives , as it seemed they could She liked to dance and go to movies . She worked in the Sunday School and was President of the Primary . She was a very religious woman and always went to church , although her husband didn 't go with her . She always had a little bottle of whiskey in the house which she used for medicine and disinfectant . She had to keep it hidden from her husband , for if he would find it , he would drink it . In her later years , she kept the whiskey in her purse wherever she went . kitten on it . Everyone loved her . She and William took her brother , William Greenwood III , into their home for five years when he was old and feeble . She raised three families : her own eight children ; her daughter Rachael 's daughter ( Susan Merchant ) after Rachael passed away at the age of 29 ; and her son Edward 's family after his wife Jenny Puffer died . An interesting note : Evidently Rachael married Glen Merchant , the fellow that William ( Ruth 's husband ) had picked out for their first daughter , Edith , to marry . Since Edith married someone else , Glen evidently took the next available daughter . Ruth 's granddaughter , Luella , remembered an occasion when a thunderstorm was raging in North Creek where Ruth was living . The lightning struck her home and it went all the way around the four walls of her kitchen . They a large person , as were most of the members of the Greenwood family . She enjoyed good health until the very last part of her life . She was very soft spoken , quiet , and long - suffering throughout her life . She had to wait on her husband during the last part of his life as his health failed , and she did it uncomplainingly . her husband , Ruth lived alone or had one of her grandchildren live in with her in her home on North Creek for quite a few years . She spent some time at the home of her grandson Vyron Baker and his wife Agnes . Vyron tells of the time that she got into the tub to have a bath and then couldn 't get back out . Agnes couldn 't get her out by herself , so they wrapped a big towel around her and Vyron had to come and help get her out of the tub . He was kind of embarrassed and knew that she was embarrassed , so he just tried to make a joke out of it , and they laughed over when she laughed . Vyron also bought her a special rocking chair to sit in while she stayed at his home , and she was so appreciative of his kindness to her . She also loved to have Agnes sing to her . One day she was helping Agnes do the dishes and Agnes started singing a song . Ruth really liked it , so after that , every time they were doing dishes , Agnes had to sing that song for her . The song was called " Wait for Me , Mary . " Another time Vyron and Agnes took Ruth to the zoo . It was the first time she had ever been to such a place and she was so impressed . She especially enjoyed watching the monkeys and laughed and laughed at how the mother would pick the lice out of the baby 's hair . She also like the talking parrots . She loved nature . Ruth was a very modest woman , and wore long skirts all her life . She wore a little bib apron over her skirt all the time . That apron had many uses , In her later years , Ruth also stayed at the home of her granddaughter Nola Morris in Orem , Utah . They loved to have her come , and Nola 's four little girls were always crowded around her , wanting to " help Grandma . " She would use Nola 's broomstick as a sort of a cane to help her get around . Once , Nola took her to a movie , and in it there were quite a few scenes with dancing girls . They were sort of scantily dressed and Nola wondered what Ruth would think of it , but Ruth just laughed and said , " Nola , I really enjoyed it . I would have liked to have been up there dancing with them . " She always did love to dance . When she was a young girl , she and her friend Addie would learn every new dance that came to town . They would practice the dance steps out in the street in their bare feet . Nola had a special feeling for her Grandma Twitchell , for she felt that she had kind of taken the place of her mother Sylvia when she died . All Ruth 's grandchildren loved to have her visit them . Raymond 's wife June remembered that when she came to visit them , her little children would gather around to hear Grandma 's stories . The little girls would bring their dolls and the little boys would bring their trucks , and they would the spring of 1842 , he joined the LDS Church along with his father 's family , and they moved to Missouri and then to Nauvoo , along with the Saints . In Nauvoo , Anciel met Louisa Samantha Hitchcock and they were married just a few months after the martyrdom of the Prophet Joseph on October 7 , 1844 . They had a child , Ephraim , born in Nauvoo on October 10 , 1845 , but he passed away before his first birthday in Council Bluffs , Iowa , following the expulsion of the Saints . There in Council Bluffs , Anciel joined the Mormon Battalion in 1846 and served under General Sterling Price . He underwent all the sufferings incident to that experience , the longest infantry march in history . Anciel was discharged from the Battalion in California , and he liked the area so well that he decided to stay . He sent word to his parents that it was the best place to live , and they should bring his wife and join him there , which they did . Anciel and his brother James were with their father when they were approached by the Mexican bandit , Joaquin and a dozen of his men . They saw him coming , so Ephraim jumped on the big black stallion which Anciel had bought and mounted a knoll where he could see out over the area . Anciel and James hid themselves in the boulders , but had their guns pointed directly at Joaquin . He stopped , saw that the situation was not Anciel and James took the gold they had mined and made payments on some land on a Spanish Land Grant . They built homes and corrals on the ocean front in a beautiful setting and were proud to raise the American Flag which they had made . This happy time did not last very long , however , for a hurricane came in and destroyed all their buildings and stock animals , leaving time only for the people to flee to higher ground . It was after this hurricane that his father Ephraim encountered the stranger who advised him to take his family back to Utah , which story is The Twitchells did return to Utah , and Anciel settled in Beaver . He and his sons built a ranch and kilns in order to bake brick for building homes . They later sold stock animals to the Army and to the railroad people when it came through . Anciel and Samantha had fourteen children . Seven of these children died before reaching the age of five years old . Besides the one that had died in Council Bluffs , three had died in California , and three died in Beaver . Anciel had many experiences with the Indians in Beaver . The Indians would often travel through his pasture and feed their horses there , which he allowed them to do , as many of them were friendly . Some , however , were vicious . The Indians feared and respected Anciel , for he could fight them Indian style and beat them , or live through the torture for the cream to come to the top , and he and his children used up all the milk to keep the fire under control . Their home was not made of lumber as most of the homes of the area were , but it was made of brick and cut rock . The Indians had stolen most of his horses , but they had not gone near the pen where his stallion was kept so , after they left , Anciel mounted the stallion and followed them . He shot the two men that had his horses and brought the horses back . Once , when Anciel was away from home , the Indians came on a raid . The children hid up in the loft . While the Indians were laughing and stealing things down below , William put his head out of the loft and said " Get . " The Indians were superstitious and believed in signs , and since they couldn 't tell where the voice came from or who it was , they did leave . kill him . The Indian dropped Eunice and swore to kill William , who darted in and out of fences to keep out of his way . Eunice ran to Uncle but they did live it in their own style . They often combined recreation and religion by having services and cottage meetings in connection with a big feast of barbecued beef . He finally erected a meeting house , and in combination a co - op ( what we would call a Bishop 's storehouse ) where goods were stored to protect anyone from hunger . They While living in Beaver , Anciel took a second wife in plural marriage . Her name was Margaret Malinda Brown , and they had two children . Six years after their marriage , this second wife died , so Louisa took her two small girls and raised them as her own . Anciel Twitchell always believed in God , and the Golden Rule was his byword . He built many homes that stood the test of time . While building one of these homes a roof beam fell and hit him on the head . This caused him to experience blackouts . When he was nearing his 74th birthday , Anciel accidentally fell backwards , most likely from one of these blackouts , into the fireplace in his old farm residence causing his death . He was buried in the Beaver Cemetery . Louisa lived another nine years after his death , and she was also buried in the Beaver Cemetery . 2 ) Family group records The following is taken from an article describing the construction of buildings in Beaver , Utah . As soon as the technology could be developed , citizens of Beaver began to make fired brick . They were among the first people in Utah to build with this much superior masonry product . The earliest known commercially time , or perhaps a year later . There were at least two early brick - making plants , one operated by the Patterson family near a clay deposit near South Creek about four miles south of town , the other run by Anciel Twitchell and sons at Indian Creek ( now Manderfield ) . The red brick from both plants was soft when compared to later pressed brick , but was superior in strength and durability to adobe . Its greater expense meant that some settlers would continue to build with adobe . This red brick home is located in Manderfield north of Center Street with the small church house to the south . Perhaps it is a Twitchell built home using brick that they made . It is surrounded by debris and many sheds and corrals . This home is included in Beaver historic homes and it is said to have been built by Anciel Among the important early brick buildings was the Beaver Stake Tabernacle , started after the first log meetinghouse burned down in 1865 . The construction of the tabernacle epitomized the cooperative effort for which pioneer society is known . Robert Wiley and Samuel Edwards laid the stone foundation . The brick was supplied by Twitchel and sons , while the lime was burned by Joseph Tattersall , David Powell , and David Davey . This tabernacle building was torn down in 1931 . The lot is now occupied by a Daughters of the Utah Pioneers Museum . Louisa Samantha Hitchcock was born June 5 , 1828 in Rochester , Maine County , New York to Seth Hitchcock and Sarah Anne Rhodes . The Hitchcock family ( her mother had remarried ) moved to Nauvoo , Illinois by the time Louisa Samantha was a young girl . At just 16 years of age she married Anciel Twitchell on October 7 , 1844 in Nauvoo , Hancock County , Illinois . On October 7 , 1945 she gave birth to a son , Ephraim . That winter or early spring of 1846 , the family was driven from their home in Nauvoo and settled in Keg Creek , near Council Bluffs , Iowa . In the summer of 1846 , Anciel Twitchell enlisted in the Mormon Battalion and was assigned to Company D . He marched with this company to Fort Leavenworth , Kansas , and thence to Santa Fe , New Mexico , and finally to the Pacific Coast . Louisa Samantha and her son had been left with his parents . The little boy died September 9 , 1846 just short of his first birthday and soon after his father had left for his military service . John Chester Hitchcock , younger brother of Louisa Samantha , helped drive her wagon to Utah when they left Iowa in 1848 . John Chester also went along with the Twitchell family to California . John Chester claims that his step - father , Samuel Fowler , beat him so he left home . Samuel Fowler died in Council Bluffs on July 24 , 1848 shortly after John Chester and Louisa Samantha would have left for Utah . Samuel married Sarah Anne ( called Sally ) in 1835 after his wife and Seth Hitchcock had both passed away in 1834 . They had five children Louisa Samantha would give birth to fourteen children in all , seven of whom died before the age of five . Their children were Ephriam 1845 - 1846 , Martha Ann 1850 - 1851 , Franklin 1851 - 1853 , Elizabeth 1854 - 1934 , Melissa Ursula 1856 - 1856 , Parley Pratt 1857 - 1934 , William Anciel ( my husband 's 2nd great grandfather ) 1859 - 1940 , John Franklin 1862 - 1936 , Francis Edward 1864 - 1920 , Silas Andrew 1867 - 1939 , Andrew Jackson 1869 - 1869 , Chauncey M 1871 - 1872 , and Jasper Newton 1876 - 1877 . family to Warsaw , NY in 1815 . The 1830 Census shows Seth as a head of household with four children . Sometime between 1829 and 1834 Seth joined the newly organized Church of Jesus Christ of Latter - day Saints . He was a member of Zion 's Camp who went to Missouri to aid persecuted members of the Church there . In Church History records it states on the 24th of June , 1834 that Seth was called the 2nd man to die of Cholera in the group and buried in a common grave with two other men who also died about the same time . They were buried on the banks of Rush Creek , Clay , Missouri . In 1976 the State of Missouri , while examining historical sites , exhumed this grave site . Three bodies were found , one being Seth Hitchcock . Seth married Sarah or Sally Ann Rhodes about 1821 . They were the parents of seven children . In 1863 and 1864 , leaders of the Church speaking in Salt Lake City , Utah , spoke of men who had passed on in the early days of the Church . They spoke of Seth Hitchcock 's honesty when he was given $ 400 to give to |
I can 't believe summer is almost over for me . When I got my job I felt as though it would never really begin , but I have spent most of the last three weeks in my room , trying desperately to get it to resemble a first grade classroom and not a giant pile of rubble . I don 't get paid to work until the 25th , but such is the life of a teacher . We are taking a mini vacation today , just B , Ace and me . It is to make up for all of the time we spent with B 's family , which we have recognized to have been a big mistake . We are going to work on really limiting the amount of time we spend with them from now on and work on asserting ourselves more when around them . Although , I do try to assert myself around them and find that I am often ignored or simply placated and they go ahead and do what they want anyway . We are also planning our next summer vacation , which will be a week in Cape Cod . I mentioned it to some friends and it seems as if they are interested in joining us . It could either be a lot of fun or a giant head ache , but I am willing to give it a shot . I invited my brother and B 's sister first , but neither can make it . Ace is doing well these days , except that he is acting a little nutsy today . I keep thinking that he must be teething again , but I am not sure . We got a note from his daycare , where he is now attending three days a week full time , that he has been squeezing other children who get in his way . I know what they are talking about because he does this to me and yesterday I had a terrible parenting moment where I squeezed back . I felt terrible , but I tried to make up for it with apologies and kisses . He is starting to understand the concept of a time out , so I now have that weapon at least ! Aargh ! ! ! We just got back from the Dr yesterday where Ace was given a clean bill of health and then last night Ace woke up crying and upset and refused to be comforted and then when we finally decided to let him cry himself back to sleep he cried for so long that we knew something was not right . B took him outside and finally got him calmed down and back to sleep , but it was an ordeal . Today Ace woke up with a runny nose and coughing . I am beside myself . When will his immune system finally kick in ? The Dr . told me that it will be fine and that Ace is just building up immunity and that kids who don 't go through this in day care end up going through it in preschool or kindergarten , but it makes me worried . My sister in law ended up pulling her kids from day care because they got sick so often . I just feel so bad for Ace . He clearly has a sore throat and is not happy . I just want him to feel well for longer than a week . He is such an amazing little person when he is feeling well . Plus , we head off on vacation with B 's family this Sunday . I don 't think they have seen Ace in good health since he was a tiny baby . So frustrating ! We were recently introduced to the most atrocious childhood viruses that we have encountered so far : Hand Foot and Mouth Disease . I love that it is called a disease , as if it will never go away , instead of the virus that it is . It totally looks and acts like a disease . A disease that will eat your poor little toddler up entirely . Here is what it entails . My son had little bumps on the soles of this feet and a few on his legs and pubic area ( or groin , not crotch - the only word I could think of at the time when I was on the phone with the pediatric nurse - " yeah , he 's got bumps on his crotch " I felt very sophisticated after that ! ) . I thought they were bug bites , so I gave the cat his anti flea and tick medication , washed all the sheets and went about my business . Then a large blister showed up on his heel and I thought , " Huh , that 's odd . Who knew babies got blisters ? I did put his shoes on the wrong feet the other day . " Then day care pointed out that he had these little bumps on the palms of his hands , but they did not tell me what they must have already known . I just worried all day and when my husband got home from work , I asked him what he thought about these bumps , and the fact that Ace now had a fever . We decided to call the pediatrician in the morning . We are very smart , see ? My husband jumped on Google and we had a few guesses , including Hand Foot and Mouth , but Ace didn 't have any bumps on his mouth . " No , you won 't see them , " the pediatric nurse tells me , " They are on the inside of his mouth and it is like having a mouth full of canker sores . " Oh , so that would explain why my son has been so incredibly unpleasant the last few days . I thought it was because we weaned him from the pacifier . Wait , we weaned him from the pacifier while he was going through this most uncomfortable ordeal , not just uncomfortable , but very painful ? Oh , the guilt ! I 'm over the guilt now . I realize that there was no way that I could have known that Ace was crying out in pain and not in frustration . Now that he is back to his awesome Posted by We went to B 's parents ' home a few weeks ago and I was very nervous about flying with a sixteen - month - old . Turns out it was not too bad . I brought brand new books , new snack food , a few new toys - including a small wind up toy - and random things like stickers and tape . I also bought two Sesame Street DVDs in case of emergency . We only ended up watching about five mintutes of one DVD . Ace was really very good . Considering that we flew during his first real illness - a virus with an ear infection that was diagnosed two days before we left , and that he had a fever of about 103 and was taking Motrin and antibiotics - he did really well . At some point during the flight I noticed that Ace was breaking out in a rash , so after talking to the doctor we added Benadryl to his mix of medications . Ace survived and got over his illness . He is still taking antibiotics , but I think we are down to our last dose tonight . I flew back alone with Ace and he was great . He got over tired and wouldn 't fall asleep , but then he bumped his head and leaned into me to cry about it and within seconds he was sound asleep . We had an open seat next to us , so I laid him down with his head on my lap . That worked well for a glorious hour or so , until the toddler behind us kicked the seat and knocked down the arm rest , which hit Ace in the head . I was livid . I glared at that two - year - old like a crazy lady . Then I felt bad about it , but my baby was hurt , just a little . Man , it is hard to travel alone with a toddler ! I had the stroller and just two bags , but it required a lot of figuring . I managed to eat and not lose it , but Ace was none too happy about being stuck in his stroller and off of his schedule . The fact that we can not get a direct flight into B 's parents ' city is not a good thing , either . Speaking of not good things , our trip included being yelled at and we may not be going back to B 's parents ' again . We are going on a family vacation with them in a few weeks , so we will see how that goes . Some things that are wrong but still ok when you doPosted by Ace fell down today and about an hour later there were several angry red marks on his face . He kind of looks like he got in a fight . I didn 't see the actual fall - I am a very bad parent and I left him to walk a few steps on his own while I carried his new car seat down the stairs and turned around to run back up and grab him . I looked up and he was happily making his way toward the stairs , I briefly looked down to head up the stairs and next thing I know , Ace is rolling on the ground crying . I heard a noise that I thought was his head hitting the metal banister , but I couldn 't figure out how that happened . He stopped crying pretty quickly after I picked him up and I didn 't notice any marks until later when we were leaving Costco . Poor little guy . This is normal , right ? Toddlers like to practice walking and that means they will fall down a lot , right ? I was not too terrible to leave him to himself for two seconds ! In other news , Ace has this adorable new thing he does . He grabs a book and puts in on the ottoman of the leather chair in the living room . Then he climbs up into the chair and settles himself , then he picks up his book , sighs a sigh of pleasure and begins reading to himself . I love it ! I think he is finally over teething and the horrible part of whatever cold he has had for three weeks . There is still snot , but he is sleeping so much better and is in such a great mood - except for when I lock him in the car with me while I install his new convertible car seat . Holy angry toddler . But ! He loves his new seat . He can see so much more . I don 't think anyone can fit in my car besides me anymore , but whatever . We went away with friends for the Memorial Day weekend . It was fun , but exhausting . We shared a house and I don 't think that is my favorite way to vacation . It may be a bit too much togetherness . Plus , people just wanted to lay by the pool all the time and I am not that kind of a vacationer . I wanted to get out and walk around a bit or do something besides sunbathe . It was also hard to relax with Ace there . He loved the pool and was really easy but since I wasn 't used to the surroundings and worried about him and the water , it was just not relaxing . I think next time , if we do it again , I will look into hiring a babysitter for one afternoon . Ace is doing great . He is teething so his behavior has been all over the place , but he is making a lot of developmental leaps . His sleeping is a bit off but we have been planning on buckling down this week and trying to get him back on the 12 hours a night plan . When he laughs you can see all the new giant teeth taking residence in his sweet little mouth . Besides woof , he now says ball , bubble , fish ( kind of ) and moo . He loves buses and freaks out whenever he sees one . He likes anything with wheels , and the bigger the better . He is also really into balls . He even likes watching sports on tv . He points and repeats , " ball , ball . . . " He can recognize an athlete from what he or she is wearing . Even Venus Williams in her visor - I think he is aware that some ball players wear hats and recognized her hat . He definitely knows that baseball players wear hats and that his baseball hat is a ball hat . Friday we go in for a doctor 's appointment . I 'm curious to see how big he is . We might be in the market for a new car seat soon . Ace went to day care for the first time this week . He was a champ about it the first day and wandered off from me happily , while I put his food in the fridge and signed him in . I waved goodbye , but he could have cared less . I drove to Target feeling kind of numb and , right when I was pulling into the parking lot , a Springsteen song came on . It wasn 't even one of his sappier ones , but I felt myself starting to cry . Instead , I started to laugh at myself and then spent the next hour or so shopping for random things and feeling giddy with freedom . When I arrived to pick him up , after three and a half blissful hours of alone time , he was wandering around happily . I put him in the car and he fell asleep before we got home . Today , as I had been warned , Ace knew what was going to happen and started getting a little nervous the moment we entered the day care . This time while I was putting his food away , he started to cry . The " teacher " picked him up and said , " ok , say goodbye to Mommy , " in a kind way , but I wanted to hold him , so she handed him over . I realized that he was not going to stop crying , so I gave him a hug and put him down . Another teacher picked him up and I waved goodbye and left . I felt a little sad about it , but I knew he would be fine . When it was time to pick him up , the teacher said that he had needed a little extra attention , but he soon was playing happily on his own . I think I may have a sensitive little guy , since he 's an only child and has been with me for almost fifteen moths . I think the day care setting will be good for him and his development . Now that he has survived his first week , I am going to look into using the time off from him to work out . I have to check out the pool schedule and a few exercise classes that look interesting . Today Ace became a walker ! I had seen him take a few steps before and was encouraging him to be aware of it by asking him to move his feet when he 's standing . Today he was standing and I said , " step , step , step ! " and moved my feet . He giggled and took a few steps . I was thrilled , so he , of course , wanted to do it again . The sad part is that B is on a business trip . So I ran to get the Flip so I could record the momentous event . Another thing that happened today was that I squatted down by Ace 's feet to tickle his toes while he was in his high chair and when he giggled , I looked up and saw a giant tooth coming through on his left upper gums . Wow , that explains the screaming and generally unpleasant behavior the last week or so . I am so glad that we gave him the infant Motrin those few times that we did . I kind of wish we 'd given him more . It is quite the tooth ! I am still rooting for his lower left to come in so that he can have an even four , instead of the three that he is sporting . I took him by the day care center that he is starting on Tuesday and I was again so pleased by it . The teachers are so nice , the setting is relaxed and the children seem very happy . Ace took off from me to play and seemed right at home , so hopefully things will go well . I have to read through the parents ' manual and buy whatever it is that Ace needs while he is there . I am also thinking of going to Target to buy some sweatpants and things like that so I won 't care if what he wears gets ruined . I just read that Old Navy is having a sale , so maybe that is where I should go . This week it has just been me and Ace . B is on a business trip until Sunday . Monday and Tuesday I spent with my mom on the other side of town . Ace slept like a champ Monday night . He must have loved the Packn ' Play . I was glad to see that because he is staying with my mom and sleeping at her place when we go on vacation in a few weeks . Yesterday and today I was on my own with Ace , but we had very full days , so I didn 't really have time to think about anything . Today was much slower than yesterday , but I kept us busy . We spent some time at the indoor play space at the mall today and I was pretty surprised by how some parents do not intervene when their kids act like jerks toward other kids . I watched a crew of kids , too old to be in the play area really , run around and knock the same toddler boy over twice . When they ran by me and Ace , I gathered my courage and asked them to please slow down because there were babies around . I was so worried that another mother was going to yell at me for saying anything , but it worked out ok . I thanked the children for listening on their next go around . I also witnessed a very awkward exchange between a little girl and an African American mother : the little girl walked up to the mother and asked if she spoke Spanish . The mother said no . Then the girl said , " You 're African , right ? " The mother sniffed in that exasperated , I can 't believe this shit , way and said , " No , I 'm American . " The little girl seemed confused and wanted to know what the woman 's language was . The mom explained that she spoke English , that her son spoke English , that they were both " just Americans . " She was very patient with the little girl and asked her what she was and what language she spoke . The little girl explained that she was Armenian but that she could speak English . I kept looking over at the Armenian girl 's mother , and that mother was paying no attention and looking so disinterested in what was going on with her children . I was really shocked by the conversation and that the girl thought the other mom was Posted by Oi ! The yelling ! The pointing and yelling ! The screaming and crying ! All of it is killing me . But in between , Ace is still the sweet little guy that I 've come to know and love . I know that he is just frustrated because he can 't communicate at the level he 'd like to . I 'd be peeved too . But sometimes , when I 'm running on empty and trying everything to make him happy and all I get is some kicking and screaming and crying , it 's just too much . I know , I know , this is not about me . I am an adult and he is a child , but seriously , it can be hard . I think there may be some teething going on in there as well . In more delightful news , Ace is coming out of his shell a bit on the playground , getting braver and braver around other kids . He is standing on his own , but not walking , but has taken a step here or there when forced by his mom or dad . He is still playful and funny , loves hand play , such as the Itsy Bitsy Spider and No More Monkeys Jumping on the Bed - especially the finger shaking " and the doctor said . . . " part . He is getting bigger all the time . I just had to clean out his clothes again and a few pairs of pants only got a few wears before being sent to the storage bins . His eating habits have gotten a bit weird . He does not like meat . Not at all . But he 'll eat Boca Burgers and the occasional chicken nugget . As long as it involves dipping in ketchup . He loves dipping . He does not like vegetables anymore . I put broccoli and spinach and tomato sauce in the Cuisinart and he 'll eat that on rotini . He does eat fruit , he loves fruit . Bananas in particular , he 'll eat two or three a day . He also loves Goldfish crackers , but I am trying to keep that to a minimum ( as I indulge myself while I write this ) . I found a job teaching first grade and am really excited for it . I only have eight full time students , so that is just crazy . I start in the fall . Ace starts daycare in a week and I have started getting a little anxious about the best way to start him . Do I stay with him for an hour or so , until he gets used to the caretakers ? Or dPosted by Ace is thirteen months and I may have found a job . Happily , it doesn 't start until September . So , if everything works out , I will have a lovely spring and summer with my little guy . Since I may have found a job , and since daycare is very competitive around here , I went ahead and took a spot for Ace in a daycare center that is very convenient to B 's work . Ace is going to start there in May , going two half days at first and then transitioning to three full days in September . I am looking forward to the two days a week ! Just to have some time to myself will be fantastic . I wonder how much I can get done in three and a half hours ? Ace is so much fun these days . He is pointing to everything and telling me all about what he sees , except that I have no idea what his little noises mean . His most frequent word sounds like woof , but it has to mean something else to him because he uses it all the time . I wonder what his first word will be and when it will happen ? He is also not walking yet . He is still cruising . Everyone that sees him says , " Any day now ! " but I don 't know . He has no interest in doing it on his own . Ace seems to have developed some anxieties , but nothing too bad . The worst may be his fear of other children . He does not like being approached or cornered by other kids . When it first happened , it seemed as if it might have been an incident of racism , but then I noticed that it happened with all skin colors . Phew ! I am trying to get back into this . Ace is now one and doing so much that is new - crawling , cruising , he can stand without help - but rarely does , he has seven teeth - four on top , three on the bottom . He is weaned . That happened because I got terrible food poisoning on my birthday and I just laid in bed moaning all weekend and didn 't nurse at all . When I got up to pump eventually , I just knew that I was done . Ace didn 't care at all . I had been cutting down on the number of feedings , so it wasn 't completely cold turkey . I just switched morning and night nursings to bottles . Now we have to wean off the bottles , but I 'm not worried about that . Ace might fuss , but he will get it . He has a few words , too . I think he says " woof , " I know he says " Ma Ma " but I 'm not sure he knows it is me . Just yesterday he started saying " Ba Ba " and making more noises . He points at everything and wants to talk to you about what he is pointing at . He 's gotten pretty good at sign language too . We mainly taught him signs for eating , so he signs milk , more and all done . I have been looking for a job . I was offered one position , the catch being that the school board has to approve my salary in the next budget , so I am waiting to hear . I am applying for a charter school , but I have been warned that it might be too much work with a baby and planning for more babies . We 'll see what happens . All in all , things are good ! So I have been working on getting Ace to sleep through the night again and it has been going pretty well . Except that he has developed a habit of waking up around 5 am . Usually he will go back to sleep with the replacement of his pacifier . Other times , he will scream and not stop . This morning he screamed for a half an hour before we decided to do something . B opted first for Motrin , but I really did not think the baby was in pain . I went in and patted Ace 's head and he would quiet down and go to sleep , but if he lifted his head and I was leaving , screamed started again . B finally went in to the nursery and patted Ace for a long time and then just laid down on the floor by the crib . B said that Ace picked his head up a few times and looked at him , laughed , and went back to laying down . When B got up and left , Ace complained but went back to sleep . Ace made up for his hour of wakefulness by sleeping an hour later this morning . I was up for almost an hour and a half while all of this was going on and today I am very tired . I know you are just supposed to let them cry it out , but we can 't . My stomach was in complete knots the whole time Ace was not settling down . With weaning and my going back to work coming up , we 've got to get this down . We went to the Mid West for the holidays . We landed on Christmas Eve right after the start of the biggest blizzard to hit that part of the country in sixty year - or so we were told . Ace got the experience snow and really , really cold weather for the first time . Since he is still cruising and not walking , not a lot of time was spent out doors , but he got to dress up in adorable hats and sweaters and I got to take some good pictures . While we were away he stayed on Los Angeles time , which was wonderful . He had two colds in a row , though , starting right before we left , and I caved and started feeding him when he woke up in the night . I couldn 't stand hearing his stuffy little cries . I continued feeding him at every night waking while we were not at home , since I felt kind of bad for him . We 've been home three nights now and managed not to feed him last night and just let him cry himself back to sleep . It only took about five minutes . Hopefully tonight will be similar . Ace 's first Christmas was ok . I hated being away from our home , but I guess you have to do things you don 't want to do when in laws are involved . Ace got great presents from his Nana and Papa , but I was annoyed that no one held back his older cousins , who insisted on " helping " unwrap his presents and then pretty much grabbed the toys away from helpless Ace and started playing with them . These older cousins have had so much fussing over them through the years , I thought it really unfair that their parents and grandparents didn 't tell them to leave Ace 's things alone and let Ace have his moment . But maybe that 's my own personal baggage coming through . B agreed with me , however , so maybe not . Ace is getting around really fast these days , by creeping ( I think that 's what they call the army crawl he uses ) and cruising , but I don 't think he is that close to walking . Others disagree . He is babbling just a little , less than I 'd like him to . I always thought a baby of mine would be an early talker , but I guess not . He understands a lot , though , which is fun to seePosted by |
Today was my first day of work - Mum says I 've become a man . I don 't get paid until the end of the week but I 'm feeling like a breadwinner , although if I come down to earth I have to admit my Dad pays for my bread - my pay will go straight in my pocket . And I don 't have a real job , it 's not even a proper apprenticeship , they call it ' work experience ' and the employer doesn 't have to pay me at all . But my Dad 's a kitchen fitter and he let me do my work experience as his labourer and he 's promised me a man 's pay if I do a man 's work . I love my Dad . Sometimes . He 's doing a new kitchen for a couple who live in this amazing pretty cottage . They 've built an extension on the back of the house and so the kitchen is now about three times as big as the room used to be . We didn 't have to take out the old units , the builders did that , but they 're still in the garden waiting to be taken away and you can see what they were . They really needed a new kitchen , I 'm thinking . Dad had got the carcasses - that 's the frames of the cupboards - in place already . He started last week , and today we had to fix the worktops and plumb the sink and start on the wall cupboards . Most of the day I was just a labourer , fetching and carrying things , and helping him position the very heavy worktops before fixing them in place . But when it came to plumbing the sink Dad announced that I 'm better at plumbing than he is and gave me the job to do while he got on with the wall cupboards . That was so cool . I cut the copper piping and married the cut lengths to corner pieces and tap fittings to make as neat an installation as I could manage . I had to cut a second piece for one of the lengths because I 'd measured it wrong , but there was plenty of pipe spare , and other than that I was pleased with my work . I took all the pipe and fitments outdoors and soldered them up , and then brought them back in to make the final two solder joints , and I used a biscuit tin lid to protect the woodwork from the heat of the blowtorch and burned my fingers when I tried to move it while it was still hot , which was stupid . It wasn 't a bad burn , though , and Dad made me run it under the tap in the garden for five whole minutes . It felt really weird being in someone else 's house . Well , not exactly that , of course I go in other people 's houses all the time and it 's not weird . It was like we were guests and yet not guests . The lady had a makeshift kitchen rigged up in the conservatory and she made us a cup of tea quite soon after we arrived , so I thought she was really nice , but after that she ignored us for the whole day . The tea tasted awful , I think she used skimmed milk . Yuk . She was home the whole day except when she went shopping and was out for an hour . While she was out Dad made me go out to the van for some more tools and I had to go through the living room and out of the front door and it felt really wrong . I set the door lock so it wouldn 't catch , so when I came back in I could just push the door to open it . The man came home from work just as we were leaving at the end of the day and I noticed how he looked beaten , like he 'd just lost an argument . I guess he was middle - aged , like thirty or something , but he looked really old because of that defeated look about him . Well , we did go back and finish the job . I built the drawers , and hung the cupboard doors while Dad did a lot of finishing up , squirting protective sealant into gaps , coating revealed wood , lots of stuff like that . When we finished it looked great , although other people have to come in and do some more work before the whole job is complete . A man is coming to put tiles on the walls , and another one is coming to install a new cooker and finish off the new electrical wiring . There 's some other stuff still to do as well , but our job is finished . I got home last night so tired I didn 't write my journal . Today we went to a new job , a house not far from here . They 'd got a new kitchen package from the big do - it - yourself store where they 're advertising free fitting if you buy before the end of this month . How weird is that ? It shouldn 't be called do - it - yourself if they get a professional in to do it . Anyway , Dad doesn 't much like this kind of work because the store pays a set price , and he says there are often problems like uneven floors , or damp , or loose plaster on the walls , which take extra work and time . But he can 't charge extra for it without a big argument because the store has given the fitting away free and there 's a fixed amount they 've allowed for in the budget and if they pay him extra it means their bosses get onto them because they haven 't made the profit they 're supposed to . He does the work because if he turned it down it would be difficult to get enough other work to keep going . So Dad wasn 't in a great mood this morning , but the man was very nice and let us in , briefly showed us around and then left to go to work , trusting us with the house . It 's a funny layout , with three levels . The kitchen and living room and one bedroom and a bathroom are on the main level , where you come in through the front door , and then underneath there 's a garage and a laundry room and the boiler room where the central heating is , and upstairs there are two more bedrooms with little en - suite bathrooms . The man called them guest rooms . The first thing we did was to get ready to rip the old units out and Dad again had me doing the plumbing . The man had warned us that the main stopcock was in a cupboard in the bathroom , so I had to go in there to turn it off . You can learn a lot about a family from their bathroom . This one was all black and white tiling , very clinical , very clean , not very decorative . There were a lot of bottles , like in any bathroom , but all male stuff , after shave and deodorant and stuff . Anyway I found the cupboard under the sink , and the stopcock inside , and turned it off , careful to close it fully but not over - tighten , which would distort the washer . We worked hard and by the end of the day we had the old units out , we 'd repaired some uneven bits on the floor and we 'd built and positioned the carcasses of the new units . Tomorrow we have to do the worktops , and they 'll be complicated because it 's a u - shaped working area . We have to cut and join worktops . I 've seen ones Dad has done before and it 's almost like magic that he makes such a precise joint you can hardly see the line of it , but I have no idea how he does it . I 'm looking forward to tomorrow . Dad says the customer 's name is Gordon Er - cart . Well , he says you spell it Urquhart but it sounds Er - cart . Funny name , it sounds foreign but it 's Scottish , which explains Mr Urquhart 's accent , I suppose . He was there to open the house for us like yesterday , and like yesterday once we 'd arrived he disappeared and left us to it . I was all excited about learning to join the worktops , but Dad was in a bit of a mood . Apparently the last customer was supposed to pay the rest of the money today , but the couple are splitting up and neither of them wants to pay the bill . How does that happen ? One minute they 're a couple and the next it 's all over ? I 've been thinking about stuff like that a big lot this last year . My Mum and Dad have been married for ever and they still like each other and I can 't imagine they will ever split up . When I 'm older and left home they 'll still have each other . They won 't be lonely . I 'm afraid of being lonely . When Dad 's dribbling down his front and Mum has to be pushed around in a wheelchair they 'll still be together , and it makes me happy to think that . That 's how it should be . But it hardly ever works like that . We had to discuss it in citizenship at school last term . The teacher asked how many had parents who were still together , and in the whole class there were only four hands went up , including me . That seems just sad and it frightens me because I want to marry for life . I want what Mum and Dad have . I really do . I get very down sometimes when I think what the future holds for me . Today was the day we did the worktops and Dad let me cut the hole for the sink unit and I blew it . It was awful . You have to cut an enormous square hole out of the worktop and you use a jigsaw , but you have to cut through from the top side , and normal jigsaw blades tend to snatch at the laminate surface and can tear it . So Dad gets special laminate blades which have the teeth angled the opposite way - so they cut on the downstroke instead of the upstroke . That way you can cut laminated wood cleanly , but you have to push down hard and steadily on the saw because otherwise it will jump . I 'd never used one of these blades before , and I knew about holding the saw down , and Dad reminded me , but I still lost concentration at one point , and the saw jumped , and cracked a little disc of laminate off the surface and I looked at it and realised that I had ruined the whole worktop . Well , I called Dad and I thought he would lay into me but he just looked at it , and then got me to help him position the sink unit in place and showed me that the flange around the sink covered the damage to the laminate , so as long as we fixed the sink with a bead of sealant that covered my mistake , it wouldn 't matter . I was so relieved , I got a bit shaky and Dad told me to take a break and have a drink . I made us both tea , Mr Urquhart had left us tea and coffee stuff and a kettle . Dad didn 't make any mistakes and by the time we finished , the worktop was in place and joined at the two corners so perfectly you have to look hard to see the line . It turns out you make the cuts with a router with a special straight blade , and the router runs in a special jig so that the cut is absolutely precise . You cut funny keyhole - shaped grooves in the underside and then you glue the joints and clamp them together with metal clamps which fit in the grooves . Dad says the joint is stronger than the wood , but I didn 't put it to the test . Anyway the worktop looks fantastic . I 'm really tired but I feel happier than I have felt for some time . Mum 's pleased , she 's been telling me for ages that she 's worried about me , that I 'm not so cheerful as I used to be . She 's been on my case about it and there 's nothing I can tell her to calm her down , because she 's right . Okay , I 've got a bit of spare time and I don 't want to go to bed just yet so I 'll write an extra bit tonight , because it 's about what happened a year ago , long before I started this journal . Before , like , three years ago , me and my mates did everything together and mostly there weren 't any girls around . We got on okay with the girls at school , some of us had sisters and that , but the group of us who hung out together didn 't include girls and we liked it that way . We were kids . Then gradually some of the lads started talking about girls , like all the time . And others started not being there when we all got together , and later it would turn out they 'd been at the cinema with some girl . And then a couple of the boys had girlfriends and the girls started joining us and it wasn 't long before our group was a big mixture of boys and girls . Well I suppose that was good , but I knew something was wrong . My friends , that I 'd been friends with for years , had changed . They 'd become obsessed with girls and girls ' bodies . They were mostly comfortable with it , they compared notes , the other lads were just as obsessed . It wasn 't happening to me , though . I still liked boys ' bodies more , and if anything I got more interested in them , so that I had to watch myself in the changing rooms . It took me a while to get used to the idea that I was probably gay , and at first it was like exploring , a bit exciting and new . But I started to think of the future and it wasn 't good . My mates would be marrying and buying a house and bringing up kids and stuff and it would be nice when they got old , their kids would look after them and that . I think a lot , my Mum says I think too much . One Saturday I arranged to meet some of the gang at the mall , and I got there first and I went and used the public toilets there , while I waited . I was standing at the urinal and there was an older guy and he was already using a urinal further down the row , but when he saw me he looked across at me , staring , and it made me uncomfortable . I was just looking straight in front of me at the tiled wall but I could see him looking at me out of the corner of my eye and it was creepy . And then he twisted round to look around the room and for a moment he was pointFriday Dad 's been in a foul temper all day today . When we arrived to work this morning it wasn 't Mr Urquhart who opened the door but another man , a younger man who introduced himself as James Taylor , and said Mr Urquhart had to leave for work early today so he 'd stayed back to open up for us . He called Mr Urquhart ' my partner ' , and I thought about the main bedroom with the big double bed , and the bathroom with , I remembered , men 's wash and shaving things , and two toothbrushes . I ignored Dad , who 'd obviously come to the same conclusion I had , and I watched Mr Taylor closely . There was nothing about him that said ' gay ' , but neither was there anything about Mr Urquhart . I couldn 't imagine either of them sidling up to other men in public toilets . We finished the job today , Dad worked hard and fast and ran me ragged . He wanted to be out of there as quick as possible and I can guess why , although it 's just plain silly - we were there on our own , it wasn 't like the customers were even home . We did a pretty good job , I reckon , and I was pleased we got it finished because today was my last day and it was satisfying to complete the job before I went back to school . After we got home Dad went for a shower like he always does , and came down in his dressing gown . He gave me my pay in an envelope and when I opened it , he 'd given me two hundred pounds . Saturday I woke up this morning with an idea and the idea stuck with me while I dressed and ate breakfast . Although it made me nervous I decided to follow it up , so I got my bike out and cycled back to the house we finished working on yesterday . I nearly turned back , but I didn 't . I knocked on the door . It wasn 't Mr Urquhart who opened it , it was the other man and he was in a dressing gown and he might have had underpants on but he certainly didn 't have anything else on underneath . He had a hairy chest and legs . He clearly didn 't know who I was , so I explained that I was working with the kitchen fitter , and he opened the door wider and waved me straight in , and led me through into the kitchen . It was really embarrassing because he thought I was there to work on his kitchen although it was obviously finished , and I had to explain why I had come and of course that 's when it hit me that I might have got the whole thing wrong and what would be the point of asking for advice on gay couples if they weren 't a gay couple ? I got a bit tongue - tied , but eventually I got it out . I asked him if being a gay couple is like being married . He sort of gaped at me and I realised that I 'd offended him . That was when Mr Urquhart came through . He was wearing blue jeans . I 'd only ever seen him in a business suit before and he looked really good in those jeans , especially since he had nothing on above them and I couldn 't help but stare at his chest . I thought that was nice of him , and it gave me just the invitation I needed so I told him about me , and about the creepy man in the toilets at the mall , and about wanting to find someone to love , and to make a home with him and live like a married couple . I talked and talked . They were both very good and didn 't interrupt except to make encouraging noises whenever I went quiet . " Good . It 's our anniversary , our first , and we 're having a party , and inviting a group of our friends round . If you like , you could come , as our guest , and if you do I can promise the guys will make you very welcome . There will be some boys your age there , some of our friends have children who 'll be coming , and you 'll see a lot of happy gay couples . Will you come ? " I don 't really know why , but I started crying . It was weird and it really freaked the two men out . They both stood up , Mr Urquhart moved towards me as though he was going to hug me , but then he didn 't and just stood there looking helpless . Mr Taylor went into the bedroom and came back with a box of tissues which he held out to me and I took it and wiped my face and blew my nose and started to giggle . " I know . It 's just you 've been so kind . " I tried to explain . " For a year now , I haven 't liked being alive . Once I realised I was gay I didn 't think I could ever be happy like other people , and I was so worried about ending up like the guy in the toilets and I couldn 't bear it and I was beginning to wish I was dead , and now you 've shown me that I can hope to be as happy as my Mum and Dad , and that 's all I 've ever wanted and I 'm so relieved . " And I started crying again . More tissues . I went to the anniversary party , it was great . I lied to my Mum , I said I was going out with the lads . I 'm surprised she didn 't comment because I 've almost stopped hanging out with them , what with them all having girlfriends , and me not . I wish I hadn 't lied to her . I met two men who 've just moved in together , and another two who 've lived together for thirty years , which is way longer than Mum and Dad . I met a couple who were both married to women before they found out they were gay and one of them says he 's still best friends with his ex - wife , but the other said his wife won 't speak to him . I saw two men with grey hair and beards kissing each other , on the lips , and I saw a man sitting on another man 's lap and what struck me was not how freaky it all was , but how normal . It made me feel so good , it was like my skin fitted better than it had before . It was a proper grown - up party , not like parties I 'd been to before . It wasn 't at all noisy , and although there was music it was so quiet that when people were talking you couldn 't really hear it . There was drink , but it wasn 't just loads of beer , there were all different drinks and most people seemed to be drinking wine . On all the tables there were plates of little intricate things to eat . I tried one that looked very colourful . I thought it was a liquorice allsort but when I bit into it , it was raw fish . I had to go to the new kitchen and throw it in the bin . There were , I guess , about thirty people there , including four children , and me . There were two boys my age , a girl a bit older than us , and a little guy about ten . The boys were the adopted sons of one of the gay couples , the girl was the daughter of one of the guys who had been married until he worked out he was gay , and the girl divides her time between her dad and his boyfriend , and her mum and her new husband . The little guy was somebody 's nephew , staying with his uncle for a couple of weeks . Everyone was just so normal , and it all made me very happy . I got into a long conversation with Mr Urquhart and some of his friends after someone said it 's more acceptable for gay people to be promiscuous than it is for straight people . I think he was just trying to start an argument . No - one agreed with him , but they didn 't fight , they had a laugh and joked about it . Mr Urquhart said in the past gay people couldn 't live together as a couple , which meant the only way some could have a sex life was to go out looking for sex on the quiet , but he said he 's very glad that 's no longer true , and everyone agreed with him . After that the conversation moved on to stuff I wasn 't so interested in , so I went and found the boys . It turns out they 're Alec and Hank , not brothers , not blood - related , but because they 're both adopted into the same family they think of each other as brothers . They 're not gay , either of them , but they don 't have a problem having two gay Dads . Hank said they 've got the best Dads in the world , which is pretty cool - most of my friends reckon they 've got rubbish parents . They live quite close , but they go to a different school , which is why I didn 't know them . We 've swapped e - mail addresses and I 'm going to meet them at the mall next Saturday and we 're going to see the new Star Trek . I 'm just not sure about them meeting the gang . Perhaps I can get them to promise not to ' out ' me . I was the first to leave , because I 'd told Mum I was out with the lads and she would expect me back before eleven . I went to shake hands with Mr Urquhart and Mr Taylor and thank them for having me , but they ignored my hand and gave me a three - way hug , and then as I tried to get to the door everyone else hugged me too . Even Hank and Alec , and boys our age don 't hug each other as a rule , maybe they 're just more relaxed , perhaps they get that from their Dads . This morning I got up first and made a jug of coffee , and cooked a bacon and egg breakfast . I left all the doors open because I knew the smells would waft upstairs and Mum would be down . Dad never comes down early on a Sunday , so I was counting on some time alone with Mum . I was scared , really scared , but I knew I had to tell her . She took it okay , she did sit down a bit suddenly when I said the words ' I 'm gay ' , but after she 'd had time to take it in she smiled at me and reached out to me with her arms held out , so I walked into them and she wrapped me up in a hug and I cried again . What is it with being gay ? Am I going to spend my life crying ? My Mum came through for me . She said : " You are a very brave boy , my love , and I 'm more proud of you than I can say . Leave your father to me . He loves you and he 'll be okay , but he may need a little time . " So I told her the truth about the anniversary party . And life is wonderful , because I know I have just as much chance of having someone to love and go through life with , as my straight friends . And that 's the way it should be . |
Near the end of my time there - late Oct or early Nov , I think - I came into class one day to find that all of the other guys had brought stuffed animals in . Dave had a Kermit the Frog doll ; Bill had Fozzy Bear , I believe - or possibly Gonzo ; Ray had something I don 't quite remember - a generic bear of some sort , I think ; and Wayne had a six - foot Pink Panther . I was the only one in class who didn 't have a stuffed friend with me . They also decided that I needed to bring a friend with me , so I had to go get one after class was finished that day . I don 't remember which store I went to back then , maybe a K - Mart or a Shopko or something , but there wasn 't much of a choice there . There were both Sesame Street and Muppet Show dolls there , and in the end it came down to either Oscar the Grouch or The Count , being as they had always been my two favorite Sesame Street characters and I really didn 't have a favorite from the Muppet Show back then . I ended up getting an Oscar doll and we immediately had an adventure . First of all , the dolls proved to be very popular down at the Whirlybird , and ended up spending quite a lot of time with many of the customers . At one point , while I was busy playing a game of pool , Ray came up in the middle of the game to tell me that someone put my Oscar doll in a pitcher of beer . When I got back to my place at the bar , sure enough , there he was , floating in the middle of a full pitcher with everyone standing around and laughing and calling him a souse and stuff . That , thankfully , was the worst that happened to him there , but the adventure wasn 't over . After the bar closed , I was feeling hungry and stopped at a Denny 's that was out at the entrance to the highway ( I - 5 ) . I took Oscar in with me , partly as an excuse to order two plates of food because I was really hungry , and partly because I was feeling goofy at the time and it seemed like a fun thing to do . The waitress was entertained by it , ( I 'd put the first plate in front of Oscar when I was done with it ) even asking me if Oscar wanted some too when I ordered apple pie for desert . But the two Start Patrol officers who were also there getting something to eat were less entertained . They followed me for almost ten miles when I left the restaurant and pulled me over just as I signaled for the exit to the naval base . Oscar was strapped into the passenger seat . I passed the field sobriety tests as far as I remember but they arrested me anyway , ( it was justified , of course . My bac was later confirmed at 0 . 15 ) and I got to spend the night in one of San Diego 's drunk tanks where they did not discriminate between violent on non - violent offenders . The night passed peacefully enough , though ( there was some pushing and shoving and yelling and stuff , but nothing serious ) and in the morning I was released to the Navy rep who went around every morning to gather the previous night 's miscreants . Later that day I went to get my car out of the impound lot , where it had been baking all day in the hot sun with the windows rolled up . Oscar was completely dry by then , but the car had an overwhelming smell of stale beer in it and it took several miles of driving with the windows open for it to dissipate . I had to run him through the washing machine three times to get the smell out . Sometime in the mid nineties I lost my driving privileges for a time ( long and different story ) so Oscar came up into the apartment on Mount Vernon with me . Then , one winter , someone who shall remain nameless , left him out in the yard over the winter . When I found him in the spring , one arm , part of his body and the opposite leg , were yellow instead of green and he was missing an eye . I kept him anyway , for nostalgic reasons , but somewhere along the way he disappeared . Share this : GoogleFacebookTwitterLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted on March 4 , 2016Categories Navy StoriesLeave a comment on A Toy Story - ( of sorts ) SatCom School - San Deigo , Ca . I re - enlisted for six years while I was in Guam . Aside from the re - enlistment bonus I got ( $ 16 , 000 over six years … minus taxes ) I also received more Navy ' C ' School training at NTSC San Diego on the ' CUDIXS ' satellite communications system . I knew it was going to be an interesting experience right from day one . Everybody got a WTF ? look on their face when he said that , but no one answered . After a few seconds he called out " Drill , " again , but there was still no answer , just a lot more questioning looks . Finally , after the instructor called out " Drill , " for a third time , one guy said , " Do you mean Drye ? " Most of us started laughing as the instructor checked his list again and said , " Oh , right . Drye . Sorry , I misread that . " but George wasn 't about to let that go . " What do you mean , you misread it ? " George said . " It 's Drye . D - R - Y - E . Drye . How the hell do you get Drill out of that ? Is your list handwritten in cursive or something ? " There were five of us in the shore - based class that hung out together quite a lot . Me , Dave , Wayne , Ray and Bill . I 'm not going to give their last names here , partly because I don 't remember all of them and partly because they aren 't really relevant here , ( unlike George 's story ) . We went out on the town ocaasionally , downtown a few times , but mostly we hung out at a place called the Whirlybird Inn ( more on that in another story ) . One of the times we went downtown wasn 't to go drinking . . . we went to a movie theater to see ' The Amityville Horror ' when it came out . We jumped in the appropriate places and whispered the usual comments such as , " Jeeze , I 'd have been out of there ten seconds after the first ghostly groan / vision / flying object / etc . " and pretended not to be scared when we really were . It was a pretty creepy movie at the time . The comments continued , of course , after the show and we stopped at a small diner to get something to eat . I don 't remember what the other guys ordered , but I was in the mood for some chili and rice , and while we were waiting for the order and joking around with the waitress ( it was pretty late and there weren 't any other customers ) we all noticed a guy with a white apron running across the street toward a late night grocery store . One of the other guys - Dave , maybe - said , " I wonder what he 's doing ? " Just kidding around , said , " He 's probably going to get a can of Hormel Chili . " which drew a couple of short laughs from the others , until we looked to see if the waitress also thought it was funny . Instead of laughing , though , she had a slightly embarrassed look on her face and was blushing a little . We all realized at the same time that that 's what he really was doing and we started laughing for real . She got over it pretty quickly when she saw that none of us were going to make any sort of deal out of it . Hell , I thought it was hilarious , and it pretty much took our minds off the movie , which we 'd been discussing with the young lady before that . The other waitress that was still working then came over and joined the conversation after that and we had a pretty good time for a night that we didn 't go out to hit the bars . Share this : GoogleFacebookTwitterLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted on December 14 , 2015March 4 , 2016Categories Navy StoriesTags Blog , Navy , Personal Stories2 Comments on SatCom School - San Deigo , Ca . Injuries and Things This is probably going to be my only post about my time in Guam , ( Aug . 1977 - Apr . 1979 ) but not because I didn 't have any fun there . It 's a sad but true fact that members of the military services were not particularly well liked or well treated back in the 60s , 70s and much of the 80s . Some places were worse than others as far as that goes , and Guam and Hawaii were two places where the military was especially disliked at the time . I don 't know how it is now . I don 't recall ever actually repairing a single transmitter the whole 18 months I was stationed in Okinawa , but at Barrigada something clicked . I don 't exactly what , when or how it happened , it just did . I was especially good at the power supply , IPA ( intermediate power amp ) , and PA stages . Benny Allen started calling me IPA Bob , and one of the Radiomen ( I don 't remember his real name , but he called himself Doctor Touchenstein - Dr . T for short ) started calling me SuperTech ( in a cartoon - ish sort of way ) . While I secretly liked both names , I wasn 't real fond of being called them out loud . Benny and I could roughly tune one of those to the right place ( using the black knobs on the second and third sections ) before powering them up just by knowing the frequency ahead of time . As far as the ' Injuries ' go the lesser of the two happened when I was playing softball a couple of months before I left . I hit a slow - rolling infield grounder at the time and the first baseman was blocking the base as I got there , so I had to step over his leg in order to tag the base . I was safe by just a bit , but I turned my ankle out sideways as I tagged first and heard a really icky crunching sound as I did . I thought I might have broken it at the time , but it turned out that sound was just a couple of ligaments being stretched out way too far . The doctor said later that I probably would have been better off if I had broken it . It would have healed more cleanly . Since VA medical coverage does not include ' sports medicine ' , especially for recreational leagues , I spent about a week on crutches and about a month with ankle wraps before I could walk semi pain free . But I , in my 22 + years of wisdom at the time , decided to try a 1 ½ . I aimed ( or thought I did , anyway ) away from the rock , and while I did manage to complete an acceptable dive , I also grazed the rock with my head . I still had my hands in front of me , and did catch the rock with them first , but I couldn 't quite keep myself from grazing it . It didn 't hurt at all , and I thought I was okay as I got out of the pool . Mark was complaining that I hadn 't given him a warning I was going to do that , so he didn 't get a picture of it . While he was doing that a woman walking by said , " You 're ear is bleeding . " I 'm like , " Really ? " and started feeling the top of my head because that 's where I hit the rock . It turned out the young woman was a nurse or something , so she looked at the wound and said I was going to need some stitches , and should do so immediately . So we had to leave after being there for only about 20 minutes or so ( which caused a fair amount of more bitching from Mark ) . I finished the beer I 'd already opened as we packed up to leave . Turned out the nearest military hospital was quite a ways away ( about two more beers ) and by the time I got there and it was determined I 'd need four stitches , it was also determined I didn 't need any anesthetic - and they were right . That didn 't hurt either . I came home early one morning after a night out ( maybe 3 am or so ) and went to the fridge and grabbed the milk for a swig or two before going to bed . I only bought half gallons back then because a whole gallon usually went bad on me before I could drink it all . Anyway , I was taking a drink out of the carton when I noticed this grey sort of shapy thing out of the corner of my eye on my left and turned to see what it was . What it was , was a freaking cane spider about the size of my hand . Instead , I got out my handy dandy can of Raid ( Okinawa also has a fairly large species of cockroach that can fly , so I always had a can of Raid around ) and sprayed that thing thoroughly . In fact , I emptied about half a can on the thing but it didn 't move or react in any way . I 'd swear the damn thing just gave me a sort of ' meh ' shrug . So , with the Raid being ineffective and me being unwilling to squish it , I made a deal with it instead . I said , and I did literally say this out loud . " If you leave me alone , I 'll leave you alone . " I said a lot of other things too , but I don 't remember all of the exact words . As far as I know , it accepted the deal because , while huntsman type spiders aren 't dangerously poisonous , their bites are very painful and leave a noticeable mark ( so I 've read ) and I never woke up with a bite . It went about its business of eating the occasional cockroach , I 'm guessing , and I went about mine . The two movers were saying , " Nan de ? Nan de ? " which is essentially " What ? What ? " so I tried to tell them what happened , but I didn 't know the Japanese word for spider and they didn 't speak English . Finally I just made my hand run across the floor and said " Oki . " which means big . It wasn 't exactly the proper word or context , but they got the idea and both ran into the kitchen to see it . I followed them . I guess her scream startled the spider enough that it ran back behind the refrigerator where it lived , though , because it was gone when we got out there . The inspector was still standing in the middle of the room , looking kinda shocked . I said , " I 'm sorry . I probably should have told you about it , but it doesn 't usually come out in the daytime . I don 't know why it did today . It scared the crap out of me , too , the first time I met it . " There were no plans for a get - together of coworkers this time , but I did go down to Gate 2 Street and get some fireworks , anyway . Pretty much the same things as the year before : bottle rockets , fountains / showers , roman candles : that sort of thing . This time , however , I just figured I 'd shoot them off in the driveway and maybe the neighbors would come out with their own , or at least watch while I set off mine , and that is sort of what happened . . . eventually . The thing is , after work , while I was waiting around for it to get dark , I ended up falling asleep . Next thing I knew , it was dark and I was under attack . I was awakened by the sound of small pops - bottle rockets to be exact - going off at minute or so intervals around both porches and over my roof . I 'm not sure how many they sent my way before I woke up and figured out what was going on . Once I got my bearings , I peeked out the window and saw the neighbors getting ready to launch another rocket at my house . I decided not to go out and surrender , but , instead , I left the lights off , grabbed my bag of fireworks , and went out the back door . I came home from work one afternoon and found the neighbor 's young son sitting out by the driveway when I rode through the gate . He had his head resting on his chin and looked pretty sad to me as I rode past into the garage to park my bike . Kinda looked like he either had been crying or was about to when I sat down next to him and asked what was wrong . He told me that neither of his parents were home and he couldn 't get in his house and he was worried that something had happened to both of them and quite a lot of other stuff that kinda just came pouring out . I wasn 't really sure how to handle this kind of thing , but I told him that being that they were both in the military they were probably just working late . He was pretty adamant they weren 't though since one of them was always home before him . Always ! He was looking up at me then with a hopeful look in his eyes when I went on . " Come on , " I told him as I led him back down the short path to his house . " Let 's just see if maybe this key might fit your front door . " Damned if it didn 't . He got a big smile on his face when I gave him the key and asked if he 'd be okay now . He said yeah , he would , and I told him that it was his key now and that needed to take good care of it . A couple nights later I was just lounging around , listening to some music and reading a book ( I don 't remember which one ) when there was a knock on my door . It was the neighbors and they were bearing gifts . Well , a gift . The wife ( I believe I called her Mary in a previous story ) had baked me an apple pie to thank me for being nice to their son earlier . That was just so damned cool I was completely overwhelmed . Nothing like that has ever happened to me before or since . 🙂 🙂 To use an entirely overused and inaccurate saying - That was awesome ! Share this : GoogleFacebookTwitterLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted on October 11 , 2015March 4 , 2016Categories Navy StoriesTags Blog , Navy , Personal StoriesLeave a comment on A Good Deed Fourth Of July ( 1 ) - 1976 ( Bi - Centennial ) I don 't remember exactly where this story starts . Possibly at work on the 4th , or possibly a day or two before . I only remember that at some point or another , several of us at the Awase site decided to celebrate the bi - centennial at [ David 's ] house . ( No , I don 't remember his last name . ) A curious thing about Okinawa , at least then , was that while it was not illegal to sell fireworks , it was illegal to buy them . Just as the lady at the stand where we bought all the things we wanted ( and lots of them ) was giving them to us , a couple of local foot - patrol policemen came up and took all of our fireworks away . The lady from the shop immediately got into an argument with the officers , which Cyrus translated as best he could , ( he , like Willie , was married to an Okinawan , so could speak Japanese fairly well ) . This was how I learned about that curious law . In any case , the woman lost her argument and the police confiscated our fireworks and continued on their way . But , while Cyrus and I were standing around wondering what to do next , the woman handed us another bag filled with all of the same fireworks we had just bought . When we reached into our pockets to pay again ( which neither of us could really afford ) she shook her head and waved us off and told us not to worry about it ; that the police would bring her fireworks back later . Apparently , after long exposure to U . S . troops being stationed there , the police are well aware of what the Fourth of July means , and do their best to limit the amount of ' celebrating ' that goes on . So we got our fireworks and immediately proceeded to prove that the police might have been on to something . It was our intention to shoot them straight up in the air so they wouldn 't land on people on the sidewalks , but I 'm not so sure a few of them didn 't get away from us . After I lit the first one and handed it to Cyrus , who was driving , I turned to light my own , but … before he could transfer it to his other hand and point it out the window , the first flare went off , bounced off the roof above his head and landed in his lap . By this time mine was lit too , so I had only one hand to deal with the situation while still keeping my candle pointed out of the car . For his part , Cyrus had one hand on the steering wheel and one hand pointing his candle out the other window . This meant he had zero hands of his own left to deal with the burning flare under his ass . So he 's bouncing around in his seat trying to drive the car and also keep more flares from going off in the car … and also screaming at me to get that ball of fire out from under him . ( He wanted me to pick it up and throw it out the window . ) Now , there was not a chance in hell that I was going to pick up a ball of fire , and besides , I was laughing too damned hard to be of any use , plus I still had to keep my flare pointed out of the car . I don 't remember for sure if I managed to brush it out of his seat and onto the floor or if it just went out on its own , but we did get through the ordeal unscathed . We did , however , cause something of a stir on BC Street , so we ( Cyrus ) decided not to go out to the main road to make our getaway . When I finally got to my duty station in Okinawa - the Awase Transmitter Site - there was another consolidation going on . There were originally two sites , the HF Site provided communications to , from and between ships ( ship - to - ship and ship - to - shore ) and the LF Site , which was for sub communications . But they were just finishing up merging the two site when I got there , moving all of the antennas and the control building for the HF antennas to the LF Site . As far as I can tell by recent maps , The old HF Site is now some sort of sports park . Shortly after I moved in to my new digs , I also bought a motorcycle since I was going to need a way to get to and from work . The taxi station right outside the fence around my place was convenient and all , but I wasn 't going to spend eighteen months riding everywhere in a taxi . So , I took out a small loan via the Navy Federal Credit Union and bought a Honda 450 - 2 from one of the guys who was transferring on to his next duty station within the next few weeks . My actual bike . This is one of only a very few surviving photos from my navy days . Most of them were eaten by mold demons when I left the photo album in a damp , dark , musty place for a long time . Willie was behind my in his car . One of us usually followed the other every night . I didn 't know this at the time , but quite a lot of the people working at Awase lived up on the same hill I did , but I was the only one who had a private little place surrounded by a stone wall . Even though I 'd only been there for a very short time , I was well aware of how the Japanese tended to drive . ( One of our indoctrination tours at NAS Naha included a trip through some weird place in Naha City where five or six roads all converged at one big circle and nobody stopped for anything . It was one helluva free - for - all . ) However , on that night , in that weather , the guy coming off the side road didn 't see me when he decided he had enough room and time to get out into traffic . Then I was sorta twisting around in the air , managing to land on my ass and my elbows and watching my bike come around the end of his car as said car sped away into the mist and the dark . The bike landed on my left foot , which hurt like hell , so I put my feet up against the seat and let it push me down the road until it stopped . ( About 15 or 20 feet , maybe . ) Then I heard Willie - who thankfully did not run me over - yelling " God Damn It ! " and many other profanities I won 't repeat here . He 'd seen the whole thing , including the guy speeding off , and was really , really pissed . ( He told me later he thought I was dead . ) But he stopped yelling and just stared at me when I got up and limped over to his car . He asked if I was okay and I said something like , " Well , my foot hurts . " or something close to that , and he stared at me some more , then started swearing again . ( I don 't know why . ) Then the police got there , and shortly after that the guy I hit came back ( in a different car ) and there was a lot of discussion in Japanese ( Willie spoke it , I didn 't ) . The gist of it was that the guy offered me 30 , 000 yen as compensation ( Sounds like a lot but at the time it was about $ 100 ) but I said no and pointed to my bent front forks and other damage , and then he offered to pay for the repairs , which the police encouraged me to accept and which I finally did . I think the police were happy with whatever caused the least amount of paperwork . The other was an after hours place between Gate 2 and BC streets just outside Kadena Air Base . I can 't remember the name of the second place because I didn 't go there as often , but , if it 's still there , I bet I could find it . ( A few blocks up from Gate 2 , turn left toward BC Street , turn right at the first little alley , three or so doors up on the left . ) It 's slightly below street level and even smaller than Noah 's Ark . I 'm starting the story there because , well , that 's where it starts . I was giving a marine friend a ride back to the barracks ( one of them ) from that place off Gate 2 Street at around 3 am or so when this happened . We were just off of Gate 2 Street and onto the main road between the two bases , and pulling up to a stop light . I was expecting him to put his feet down at the light and he was apparently expecting me to put mine down . Neither of us did , so we fell over . ( I probably should have taken that as a warning sign . ) We had a bit of a laugh about that while I picked the bike back up ( as did some of the people around us ) and we made it to Futenma without further incident . I dropped him off there , then left to go home , myself . As I was leaving the base , I cut the corner a little too sharply and clipped the curb , which took the wheels out from under me . Luckily , no - one was coming from either direction at the time , and I was wearing a helmet . I went home and went to bed and didn 't get up until my roommate , JJ , ( that 's his bike behind mine in the picture ) showed up with a couple other guys from work . He saw a lot of blood on my pillow and stuff when he left for work and they came to see if I was okay . Apparently I got a fairly deep cut on my chin when I hit the road , but I never felt a thing and had no idea I was bleeding all over the place . I was on my way to work when I started to pass a guy who was going too slow for my tastse . This was on the same road where the first accident happened , incidently , though not the same guy . . . that would just have been weird . Another Japanese driving quirk is , while they do use their turn signals for the most part , it 's more sort of just a thing that happens as their hand passes the lever . In plain words , they 're already turning when the signal comes on . This is significant because I was already passing this guy when I saw his signal come on out of the corner of my eye , and I thought Oh shit ! It was pretty much too late to do anything that was going to work , but I sped up anyway and tried to veer around his car . It didn 't work . My bike slammed into his car just ahead of his rear wheel well ( Déjà vu ) but , amazingly enough , it didn 't knock me over . I managed to keep the bike up as I went across the road , into the dirt , and over a covered ( thankfully ) benjo ditch . For those who don 't know , benjo ditches are the Japanese version of a sewage system . They 're usually covered with cement slabs about 18 inches wide and 2 or 3 feet long . All but one of those slabs was properly laid flat , but I happened to hit the only one that was sticking up out of the ditch . I still managed to stay upright , but the corner of that slab put a nice , neat hole in the crankcase of my bike , and all the oil drained out . Also , the foot lever for the rear brake was bent back 180 degrees . I stopped the bike and went back to check on the guy I hit . He was fine , and also spoke English , but his car had a seriously nasty gash through his right rear quarter panel , caused by my brake lever , I 'm sure . He was mostly going on about how it was my fault and that he 'd even signaled and everything ( I didn 't see any point in arguing about when he 'd signaled ) when the police arrived . I just agreed with everything , gave him , and them , all of my insurance and other info , and everyone was eventually satisfied , ( that paperwork thing ) though I was a bit late for work . We had a ping - pong table at the T - Site , and one day I signed a friend of mine , John , and our girlfriends onto the site so we could play ( the girls were pretty damn good ) and we played for a couple of hours or so and had a pretty good time . Before we left , though , John and I took our bikes out into the antenna field and were having fun doing donuts and speeding around and stuff . I was a ways away from the LF building , where the ping - pong table was , and saw John riding in circles around one of the tower 's guy - wires , spinning his rear tire and slinging mud about ten feet into the air behind him . Not to be outdone , I decided I was going to jump the road leading to the LF building , which was slightly raised from the rest of the field . Too late I remembered that there was a drainage ditch on one side of that road . It was another ' Oh Shit ! ' moment . Anyway , everyone came running or riding over to see if I was okay . I wasn 't seriously hurt , or hurt at all , really , except maybe my pride . It was rather embarrassing . It took a while to get the bike restarted ( flooded , I guess ) and it ran pretty raggedly when it did finally catch , so I took my girlfriend home and my bike to the shop . Share this : GoogleFacebookTwitterLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted on September 21 , 2015March 4 , 2016Categories Navy StoriesTags Blog , Navy , Personal StoriesLeave a comment on Four Wrecks A Stooges Moment Even though there were only two of us involved , I 'm pretty sure this qualifies . I probably should have posted this one first , but I didn 't remember it until now . Got to NAS Naha a little late and was pretty worn out from the flight and stuff , so after getting to my assigned place , I went directly to bed . Sometime in the early morning hours I experienced my first earthquake . It wasn 't a very strong one as far as these things go . In fact , I thought someone was shaking the rack just to screw with me , except no - one was there when I woke up . I went down to the lounge and found several other guys there , all having either been up during the quake or woken by it . Since we were up , and there happened to a pool table there , some of the guys wanted to play , but … while there was a pool table , there weren 't any cues . Not to be deterred , someone unscrewed the handle from a broom , and they used that to play . ( Worked pretty well , too . ) But that 's not what this story is about . Since I had to spend a week or so there before being transferred to my final duty station at the Awase transmitter site , they ( those in charge ) had to find things for me and the others in the temp barracks to do . Me and another guy … we 'll cal him Frank … were assigned the job of going through some old quonset huts , dragging all of the old , useless crap out of them , and sorting that crap into piles of varying degrees of uselessness . ( Or something like that . ) It was typical make - work , of course , and while moving some of the larger things was physically demanding , it wasn 't really all that hard from a decision making standpoint . Pretty much everything in there was useless , and we didn 't find any desks with secret compartments containing long - lost riches , treasure maps , or coded messages , much as we were hoping otherwise . 😦 What little furniture we did find was so rotted it would probably have been dangerous to attempt using . Since it was around lunch time , and since we had found nothing worth sitting on and didn 't feel like sitting on the ground , we improvised . Frank found an old two - by - six about eight feet long and I found an old crate about two feet high and the same wide , and sturdy enough to support our weight . We balanced the board across the box and each sat on one end . ( I 'm guessing you can see where this is going , but I 'm going to finish the story , anyway . ) While we were eating , an officer appeared from around the corner of one of the huts and was coming our way . Not being idiots , Frank and I looked at each other and nodded our agreement to rise at the same time . HOWEVER , I decided to put my sandwich down before getting up and Frank didn 't . He got up immediately . I , of course , went to the ground and rolled off the end of the board . ( I did manage to save my sandwich . ) The dad was a helicopter pilot ( Air Force Lieutenant , I believe ) and the mom worked in personnel . They also had a young son , maybe 6 or 7 , who was quite active . * ( A lot of his toys spent a considerable amount of time in the air . ) * So , I figure I should use easily remembered names , and the first three that popped into my head were Larry , Curly , and Moe , but that won 't really work for this . Then I thought of Dick , Jane , and Sally , but if by some chance the boy ever found out about this post and read it , I don 't think he 'd appreciate being called Sally . Probably come kick my ass or something . I didn 't see them for a couple of days due to our work schedules and the fact that I went out after work quite a lot , but when I did finally run into Lt . Joe he had a big grin on his face . Aside from asking if I was the one who 'd retrieved the toys ( duh ) and how I 'd gotten up there ( showed him the tree ) , not much else happened at that time . We had a laugh over it and went our own ways , but it was a prelude of things to come . |
Wattpad is the world 's largest community for discovering and sharing stories . It 's a new form of entertainment connecting readers and writers through storytelling , and best of all , it 's entirely free . With thousands of new stories added every day , an incredibly active community of readers , and the ability to read on your computer , phone , or tablet , Wattpad is the only place that offers a truly social , and entirely mobile reading experience . Sam 's ribs were throbbing now ; the cuts and scrapes were starting to sting . His mind kept flashing back to the mirror . Had the stranger come through a mirror like the spiders did , he wondered . Travis was walking very stiffly , trying not to cause any additional pain . Trickles of blood from small scrapes cascaded down his arms like road maps to nowhere . His muscles were taut and his legs ached as if he had run a small marathon . " I mean , how in the world did it do that ? Where did it come from ? " he continued . " And who or what made the new tunnel ? " Sam thought for a moment before he spoke . What would be the best way to tell Travis that yes , he had seen something just as crazy before and it happened just the other night ? What if he went on to tell Travis about the stranger that might be stalking him and that he can vanish into thin air ? Surely he would believe him now ! Surely after tonight he would know it was in the realm of possibility , surely . Sam knew if he told Travis the truth it would place him on the same path as Sam . But what was that path ? Where was it headed ? Perhaps Travis had been on the same road all along without knowing it . After all , it was Travis 's idea to come to the caves . Didn 't he owe it to Travis to tell him the truth ? What if the stranger came after Travis ? That was a chance Sam couldn 't take , Sam concluded . Travis had to know . Sam began to explain in detail the events of the last several days . He told Travis about the dreams he had and the mysterious stranger outside his house . He told him about the chocolate wrappers and how the stranger had disappeared into thin air . Travis listened intently , never interrupting to ask questions . By the time Sam had finished Travis 's face had gone sallow . The realization of what Sam had said was slowly sinking in . The moment had come and gone , the words had escaped Sam 's mouth and seeped into the air , changing everything they knew around them . Things were different now ; more real , and more alive . Magic had fused unimaginable possibilities together with imminent danger bringing forth a world they never knew existed , but that had always been there . Magic had slumbered in the shadows until now . Now it was awake and nothing would ever be the same . Sam shivered at the thought . They rounded the corner to Giddyup Lane . Their neighborhood in the past had felt like an old friend - familiar and comfortable , but most of all safe . But tonight it felt foreign and eerie . Things they took for granted , such as next door neighbors , stray animals , and insects , for that matter , could no longer be looked at in the same way . Not anymore , not with magic out there . Not with the stranger out there . Sam and Travis continued to walk in silence . The soft breeze grazed against treetops of maples , elms , and oaks that perfectly lined both sides of the street , rooted in small , overpriced lots . Sam 's house was the fifth from the end on the left . As the boys approached his house , Sam could see that the light in his mother 's bedroom was still on . His heart sank just a little , remembering that he still owed her an apology . With all that had happened he had simply forgotten about it . It was just one more thing that would have to be done before the night was through . They both continued to laugh as they tried half - heartedly to straighten and dust themselves off . But it was no use . Their shirts and shorts were stained and torn , their hair matted to their faces , and Travis was even missing a shoe . Sam opened the front door to his house . It was dark inside except for the dim light coming from the kitchen . He had been out much later than he expected , so late that he had missed dinner , and both Sarah and his mother were either in bed or asleep by now . The smell of homemade meatloaf from dinner lingered in the air , which made his stomach growl . For a brief moment his body wasn 't hurting , he wasn 't scared , he was just hungry . Really hungry . It felt good to be home . His mother had finished her nightly routine , which consisted of light reading followed by a hot cup of tea and bed . Sam looked up to the top of the stairs ; her light was turned off now . He had missed her once again , and his apology would have to wait till tomorrow . The meatloaf was piled high and surround by fresh green beans and homemade mashed potatoes . A rich yummy tomato sauce covered the succulent meat . Sam thought it was almost too beautiful to eat . He opened the counter drawer , pulled out a fork , and began to eat . The meatloaf was still warm and moist . He shoveled his food in so fast that for a brief moment he forgot to breathe . Before Sam knew it , he had eaten the entire meal and his belly was full . He washed his plate and placed it in the dishwasher . Normally he would just leave it in the sink because dishes were Sarah 's chore , but for some reason he didn 't . Why was he feeling especially nice ? Maybe it was the fact that he had triumphantly escaped the spiders in the cave , and now he was home , and had just eaten the best meal of his entire life . Despite all this comfort , Sam still felt uneasy about the events of the past few days . Then he remembered the spiders . His eyes scanned every leaf , stem , and thorn on the twisted clump of bush , but he found nothing . There was not a single spider or trace of a web . Part of the bush was still mangled from where he had fallen in the day before . It was a sad - looking bush ; there wasn 't even a single rose on it . After closely scanning the surrounding area he finally felt satisfied that the spiders were gone . He made his way back into the house , locked up , and went upstairs . Sarah 's light was off too . Apparently they both had gone to bed early . Sam was tired ; the only thing he had on his mind now was a hot shower and a comfortable bed . His body was sore and it was getting worse . The smell of bat crap from his clothes was really starting to get to him now . Sam carefully took off his shirt and shorts , trying not to move any muscle faster than needed . He walked into his bathroom with his hand on his lower back , feeling as if he were a hundred years old . Gradually , Sam leaned over , turned on the shower and waited a few minutes before stepping in . Hot water stung his cuts and scrapes , making his muscles twitch as if they were being electrocuted . The water at the bottom of the tub drained steadily with a constant flow of dirt , blood , and bat feces . Warm jets of water streamed down from the shower head and massaged Sam 's body into a slow , peaceful trance . He felt himself sway just a bit as he began to doze off . The shower lasted a full thirty minutes , if not more . Still drained , Sam brushed his teeth , turned off the light , and crawled into his bed . The bed seemed to wrap around him in a gentle embrace . It was extremely soft and felt good on his aching muscles . The ceiling fan whirled above him , casting down a gentle breeze . His thin sheets smelled of fabric softener as he pulled them tight . He rolled onto his side and slid his arm under his pillow . His eyelids were heavy as he gazed up at the moonlight that shined through his bedroom window . There was no flashing street light tonight ; it was the perfect atmosphere for sleep . The adrenaline he 'd felt earlier was gone , leaving Sam completely fatigued . He lay there , knowing the stranger was still out there somewhere . He knew there was magic in the world now , and that the stranger could use it . But how the stranger , the mirror , and the spiders all fit together he didn 't know . Not yet , anyway , but he promised himself he would find out , and soon . Good news ! We are ramping up for BOOK 2 in the Haven Series : Revenge of the Viper . So in celebration and to say thank you for all your support we are giving away Book 1 A Stranger Magic for FREE ! If you already have a copy , get a new one ! Each version ( PRINT and DIGITAL ) have been reformatted . You will love the new look . Also when you buy the PRINT copy of Haven : A Stranger Magic at Amazon . com you still get the DIGITAL copy in a bundle package for FREE . The enormous wave of splashing spiders moved closer , like a school of piranhas advancing on its prey . Bats screamed and shrieked around their heads , colliding with the two boys . Sam and Travis frantically waved them off and scrambled to their feet . Hurriedly , they sloshed through the water , moving as fast as they could . Their feet felt ten pounds heavier wading through the pond . As they drew close to the water 's edge , they grabbed the nearby stalagmites to better balance themselves . They moved as quickly as they could back over the rocks and around the stalagmites , but the trekking was slower and more cumbersome this time around . There were bats to deal with now and wet shoes that continued to slip on the rocky terrain . Sam was the first to reach the tunnel they had come through . He looked back at Travis and saw a large black and green mass on the ground behind him , gaining on him . The spiders were only a few feet away from them now . Sam ran as fast as his legs could go . Travis was not far behind . Their gangly shadows stretched across the tunnel walls , disappearing and reappearing as the candle lantern bounced in Travis 's hand . The first ledge was right in front of them . Sam leaped up onto it as darkness engulfed the tunnel . A loud crash of breaking glass rang out , followed by an ominous thud . Travis had run straight into the wall of the first ledge and had broken the lantern . Travis 's body was still hanging halfway off the ledge . He swung his knee as high as he could , trying desperately to reach the edge . Sam grabbed the back of Travis 's shirt and pulled him up next to him . Sam looked up through the round hole of the entrance to the caves , just as the moonlight broke through the silver clouds . It cast a faint silhouette of oak trees on the preceding level . Hundreds of bats burst from the tunnel behind them and flew out of the cave . They scattered into the night , causing the moonlight to flicker . Sam felt them moving up his calves . The light pads of the spiders ' feet tapped sporadically as they made their way toward his knees . He jumped as high as he could , hurling himself upward toward the entrance of the cave , but he fell short , hitting the edge of the rock with his ribs . He dangled there for a brief moment with his body halfway out of the entrance . The impact had left him breathless , as if all the air in his lungs had been sucked out by a giant vacuum cleaner . A sharp pain was shooting across his rib cage . With nothing to hold on to he slowly began to slide back into the hole . He reached for the tall tufts of weeds in front of him , and grabbed two large fistfuls , and pulled with all his might , slowing his descent . Gasping , he hoisted his right leg over the edge and heaved his body onto the soft ground . He rolled through the grass as fast as he could , sending spiders flying in every direction . Travis followed close behind him , but he also got stuck halfway out and could not get his leg over the edge of the opening . His hands began to slip ; he reached for the surrounding weeds , but they tore from the ground as he grasped them . Spiders were crawling up his legs and up the back of his shirt now . Stuck in the same spot as Sam had been , Travis slipped back into cave entrance . Sam shot his hand over the edge and grabbed the back of Travis 's shirt , pulling him upward and sending spiders flying into the air . The two boys both fell back on the ground . Travis 's legs were covered with spiders . He landed on the ground with a loud thud and began to shake himself frantically . They could smell the familiar mixture of bark and weeds in the moist air around them . The blackbirds nesting above them crowed erratically , and the moonlight that had once seeped through the treetops had vanished behind the clouds . The screeching sound from the spiders and bats had stopped , and nothing seemed to be following them out of the cave entrance . Sam stood quickly , holding his ribs . His arms and elbows were scraped and cut . Travis didn 't look much better . Both boys were still soaking wet and covered in grass , dirt , spider guts , and bat droppings . Sam helped Travis to his feet and they both turned and ran as fast as they could past the oak trees , tall weeds , and into the open area of the quarry , all the while constantly checking behind them for spiders and bats . Good news ! We are ramping up for BOOK 2 in the Haven Series : Revenge of the Viper . So in celebration and to say thank you for all your support we are giving away Book 1 A Stranger Magic for FREE ! If you already have a copy , get a new one ! Each version ( PRINT and DIGITAL ) have been reformatted . You will love the new look . Also when you buy the PRINT copy of Haven : A Stranger Magic at Amazon . com you still get the DIGITAL copy in a bundle package for FREE . Sam stood , taking in every detail . This was the most extraordinary moment of his entire life . It was unbelievable , incredible , and frightening all at the same time . His mind was racing ; I 'm no longer crazy , he thought . This proved it . Travis was here ; he was a witness now . Did this have something to do with the dark stranger outside his home , he wondered . Sam didn 't know whether to stay or flee , but he had to find out . He had to know if there was a connection between the two . " Ummm Sam , where you going … ? " Travis asked . His eyes widened as he watched Sam move past him as if he were in some kind of trance . The water was freezing . It felt like a thousand needles were stabbing his feet as it seeped into his shoes and socks . But that didn 't matter to Sam . He had to know what was going on . A small squeal echoed above them from something they could not see . Travis whirled around , swinging the lantern in all directions . Sam , who was several feet ahead of him now , stopped , turned back , and glared at Travis . " What in the world are you doing ? " " Mirrors don 't do that , ever ! Not to mention we 're a few hundred feet down in a cavern . That 's not a good sign in any movie ! Oh , and we are standing in freezing cold water up to our knees . Now , I don 't mean to dampen your spirit buddy , but we need to get out of here ! " " Fine ! " Travis replied hastily . " But if my grandmother wants to know how their only grandson died you can tell them - Noo , wait , you can 't tell them anything ! Want to know why Sam ? BECAUSE YOU WILL BE DEAD WITH ME ! " The mirror was gigantic , at least eight feet tall and trimmed in gold . It hovered about a foot above the water , as if it were hanging by invisible strings . The top was pointed and cambered down on each side to the base , much like a teardrop . The gold trim was heavily etched with the same twelve symbols on either side . An elaborate pattern of scrollwork and vines had been scored in silver between the ciphers . " Here along the edges . " Sam pointed to one of the symbols that looked like the letters M and P written together in cursive . " I 've seen this one for sure . " " But what about this ? " Travis asked , pointing to a different set of symbols . These symbols were a bit larger than the Zodiac signs . There were four in all , set in a silver inlay near the outer edge of the mirror , just beyond the gold and silver trim of the Zodiac signs . The positioning of these larger symbols reminded Sam of the four cardinal points on a map , one at the top , one at the bottom , and one to each side . They stared at the strange design . Travis was still shivering , but Sam stood entranced . He was cold too , but it was like white noise to him now , just something in the background . His mind was focused on the bizarre floating mirror . The first symbol looked like a pyramid with the top of a question mark inside it . The second resembled waves or water . The third looked like three separate coils in the shape of the number nine , and last was most definitely fire . Suddenly , without warning , a mechanical grinding noise reverberated from the mirror , as if large gears were turning somewhere inside of it . Each Zodiac sign began to glow a brilliant gold . The grinding sound picked up speed . The two boys stepped back in alarm . Travis gasped and Sam 's mouth fell open . The Fire sign at the top of the tear was the first element to illuminate . The scarlet glow was blinding . Each symbol radiated its own individual color ; Earth with a brilliant jade , Air , a stunning amethyst ; and Water , a spectacular sapphire . Sam removed his hands from his eyes just in time to see his reflection disappear from the surface of the mirror . Next to go were the glimmering cavern walls , followed by the emerald water . It was all vanishing , like a portrait being torn away piece by piece . The mirror was blank for a moment , but then quickly revealed an unfamiliar image . Moonlight appeared , then tall trees , and all the makings of a forest from somewhere else beyond the cavern . The sound resonating from the mirror was getting louder , like that of a car engine being revved to top speed . Sam and Travis looked up in shock , stumbled backward , and fell into the icy water . Two of the small votives in the candle lantern went out from the sudden movement as they struggled to reach their feet . A barrage of colors bursting from the mirror streaked across the cavern in every direction . Shards of light reflected off the water in rapid flashing succession . It was like they were trapped in the center of a rainbow . Every corner of the cavern was illuminated now . Good news ! We are ramping up for BOOK 2 in the Haven Series : Revenge of the Viper . So in celebration and to say thank you for all your support we are giving away Book 1 A Stranger Magic for FREE ! If you already have a copy , get a new one ! Each version ( PRINT and DIGITAL ) have been reformatted . You will love the new look . Also when you buy the PRINT copy of Haven : A Stranger Magic at Amazon . com you still get the DIGITAL copy in a bundle package for FREE . The breeze felt good on Sam 's face ; the rain had cooled things off so it actually felt quite nice now . The sky was clear and the birds chirped as they flew by . It was a great day to go to the caves . " Sam , this guy lives in the Hamptons and is crazy good with a sniper rifle . He can run , jump , and shoot with that thing . I 'm telling you , he gets a bull 's - eye every time . He 's gonna be a great addition to the team . " Then Travis talked about his grandparents . Travis had lived with his grandparents for about nine years now . His parents had died in a car wreck when he was four , so he had been staying with his grandparents ever since . " It 's like they forget things all the time , Sam . Grandma is worse than Grandpa . I 'm constantly reminding her to take her medication . She has one of those little pill boxes with the days of the week on it . But that doesn 't help because she can 't remember where she put the box . " Sam nodded , not sure what to say exactly . You couldn 't tell by the tone of Travis 's voice , but the gloom in his eyes betrayed him . He was worried . " Sometimes it 's so bad I have to remind her what day of the week it is . My grandfather , on the other hand - well , his back is getting worse . He barely gets around now . " Sam and Travis had an unspoken , common bond between them . They had both lost parents that they missed dearly . But at least Travis could vaguely remember his . Sam never knew his father ; he didn 't even have a picture . He didn 't know which was worse - knowing your parents and losing them , or never knowing them at all . Since they had both lost their parents at such a young age , Sam and Travis had not suffered through the normal stages of grief . There was no period of accepting the loss , or working through the physical and emotional pain associated with grief . There was no adjusting to living in a world without their parents . They just simply moved on with their lives . But it was that very notion of " moving on " that bothered Sam the most . He felt cheated , deprived of what could have been . Sam didn 't want to just move on . He wanted his father . He wanted all the memories children are supposed to have growing up . He wanted to share a peanut butter sandwich with his dad , and to hear stories at bedtime . He wanted to build the perfect snowman , and take summer trips into town for a snow cone . He wanted that life , not the one he had now . Sam and Travis crossed the main street from Giddyup Lane onto Roundtree Drive , which was a much newer subdivision . The street had a nice slope to it , perfect for skateboarding . Roundtree Drive ended in a huge cul - de - sac where many kickball tournaments had been played when the boys were younger . Even though they were always picked last - Sam because he couldn 't kick the ball that far , and Travis , well , because he was Travis - they always had fun . The cross street in front of the cul - de - sac was Quail Creek Drive , which dead - ended into a large field and the Saginaw Quarry , better known as The Caves . The mounds of rock looked like pyramids from a distance . Most of the caves were formed by dynamite years ago . Explosives had been used to loosen the ground and harvest rocks . The caves were off - limits to everyone due to cave - ins , but that did not bother Travis or Sam . They had been coming here for years now , and had never seen any kind of cave - in . They figured it was just something the city said to warn off curious and unsupervised adolescents . Sam and Travis loved the caves . It was their sanctuary , their Fortress of Solitude . Travis called it his Yavin , which was a planet from Star Wars , of course . Sam liked it because it was a place of refuge , a retreat from the daily stressful surroundings , like the stranger in black , Sarah , and Daniel Harris . There were no rules in the cave . It was a place where other people 's standards of cleanliness were not observed . Sam could spill a coke in the cave or leave a sandwich overnight , and no one cared . It was their way of creating some space and freedom that they so badly needed . Sam often thought it must be similar to living in a frat house or a college dorm room , where they could come and go as if they owned the place . Where you didn 't have to be on your best behavior , and there were no evil older sisters to make fun of you , or make you feel like pond scum . It was a place where you could just be yourself , and it was perfectly acceptable . The opening to the caves was located at the back end of the quarry . It was surrounded by large trees with fluted trunks that leaned to one side . Sam followed Travis around the attractive , miniature shrubs that were gathered at the base of the trees . Clusters of colorful , berry - like drupes clung to the bushes . The entrance to the cave was nothing more than a hole in the ground that stretched at least five feet across . There were flat pieces of tan limestone placed in a circle around the hole . The opening resembled a large sunflower with faded petals . Travis was the first to hop down into the cave and disappear from sight ; Sam quickly followed . They were standing on the first ledge . Together they looked down into the ominous void ; it was a vast sea of darkness . The canopy of tree branches let in very little light . Sam thought this would scare most people who had never been here before . It had scared him at first . Years ago , when they had discovered the opening , they debated and dared one another for hours as to who would go down first . Finally , Sam had agreed to go . Travis had followed shortly after , and they had been coming back every month since then . Inside the cave the light was dim ; they could barely see one another now . Travis sat down on the ground next to Sam , who was still standing , and shuffled himself to the edge of the next drop - off which was about four feet down . He dangled his feet into the darkness , then rolled down on his side and stomach , sliding his body over the edge . Sam watched and then did the same . By the time Sam had reached the ground , Travis had grabbed an old candle lantern and opened the top to light the three candles inside . Travis had borrowed the lantern from his grandfather long ago , and it had stayed in the caves ever since . Travis removed a box of matches from his pocket , took out a match and struck it on the cave wall . The match burst into flame , casting shadows that danced around the cave . He lit each candle , shut the lid , and handed the lantern to Sam . Sam breathed in the familiar smell of dank cave air . It was rich with earthy sediments from the rock and dirt around them . The temperature was much cooler , and the air was more damp than outside . He held up the lantern to survey their surroundings . The narrow vein serving as the main pathway stretched on in front of the two boys before it curved off to the right and gradually disappeared into the darkness . The cave walls were made of jagged gray and tan stone with thick limestone layers that traveled vertically the length of the tunnel . With the candle light flickering causing numerous shadows to move around the cave walls Sam almost missed it . To his surprise there was an additional passageway on the right - one he had never seen before . Sam smiled back at Travis . Travis stepped forward with the lantern dangling in front of him and Sam stayed close behind him . Their footsteps echoed and the gravel beneath them crackled as they made their way down the long corridor . Travis held the lantern high and moved it slowly from side to side . Sam 's mouth fell open and Travis 's breath caught in his throat . They stood in astonishment ; it was simply magnificent . It was as if they had stepped into another world . The cavern walls sparkled like diamonds when the light struck them . Enormous stalactites covered the slanted ceiling , suspended like huge stone daggers ready to fall . The cavern was vast , with a large emerald pool in the center surrounded by massive stalagmites protruding from the ground . " A cavern . A really old one from the size of the stalactites , " Sam said with bated breath . " The water from the lake must feed into here somehow . " They were amazed by the sheer size of the cavern , and by the beauty of its stone landscape . Tans , pinks , and greens were fused together in the rock , coloring the cavern walls . The rocks where jagged and extremely uneven ; each step was carefully planned so they didn 't fall on one of the many stalagmites that surrounded them . The lantern swayed back and forth as they pushed forward . The light shimmered on the walls of the cavern and reflected off the calm body of water in front of them . Good news ! We are ramping up for BOOK 2 in the Haven Series : Revenge of the Viper . So in celebration and to say thank you for all your support we are giving away Book 1 A Stranger Magic for FREE ! If you already have a copy , get a new one ! Each version ( PRINT and DIGITAL ) have been reformatted . You will love the new look . Also when you buy the PRINT copy of Haven : A Stranger Magic at Amazon . com you still get the DIGITAL copy in a bundle package for FREE . The sound of rumbling lawn mowers and weed eaters started early Saturday mornings on Giddyup Lane . Most of the neighbors tried to get their lawn work out of the way before the heat and humidity set in , which occurred about mid - day . This Saturday was no different . Sam listened as he lay motionless in his comfortable bed , staring up at his dragon posters . He was tired ; he had stayed up until three o ' clock in the morning , riddled with guilt for making his mom cry . He had spent the time cleaning his room . He felt that was the least he could do . His clothes sat in eight neat piles on the floor . His shoes , video games , controllers , books , and magazines were all painstakingly organized in his closet . His computer sat neatly on its desk with the words UPDATES AVAILABLE flashing in the lower right corner . He had removed mugs and drinking glasses from the top of his dresser . Only the family Christmas picture that they had taken when he was five remained . Sarah and his mother had the same short haircut , and Sam was wearing that ridiculous blue and white snowman sweater . Sam glanced up at his alarm clock . It was ten o ' clock , and the smell of bacon was wafting through the air from the vents above . He could hear the sounds of pots and pans banging around down below . If Mom 's fixing breakfast maybe she wasn 't that upset after all , Sam thought . He rustled out of bed and grabbed a pair of tan shorts and a blue t - shirt from the organized pile of clothes . He opened his door , turned back , and grabbed the largest pile of laundry he could carry . The robust smell of bacon quickly turned into the smell of something burning as he made his way downstairs . The bottom floor was one big cloud of smoke . Through the smoke Sam could see Sarah running around frantically , trying to open the kitchen windows . Sam placed the large pile of clothes on the floor in front of the washing machine . He walked over to the stove , turned it off , and moved the pan with the burnt bacon to another burner . Then , without missing a step , he went to the stuck window that Sarah had been working on and gave it a hard yank . The window flew open and Barron jumped inside . Barron stood there staring at Sarah as if she were crazy , like most cats do when humans talk to them . Sam went back over to the stove and grabbed the pan with the charred bacon . He walked back to the window and threw it out . Barron followed , jumping back out the window to pounce on her crispy treat . " I didn 't say it was your fault , big hair ! I was simply asking ! Wow , grouchy much ? By the way , when did you start doing laundry ? Do I need to call CNN ? " " By the way , that dork Travis called three times already - once while I was sleeping , and two other times to see if you were awake yet . He said you didn 't answer your cell phone . Really Sam , why have a cell phone if you never turn it on ? Anyway , in the future , can you tell your boyfriend not to call before twelve o ' clock ? I would appreciate it ! I mean can 't that guy take a hint ? Oh , I can 't get a hold of Sam , so let 's blow up every single phone in his house ! " Sam felt his blood starting to boil , and his scratches from the rosebush were starting to itch . He was in a bad mood already . He hadn 't gotten much sleep , he had hurt his mother 's feelings , and he hadn 't gotten a chance to apologize before she left for work . And now , Sarah wanted to chastise him about Travis . She never stops , he thought to himself . She just goes on and on and on . " I mean some of us need our beauty sleep , " she continued . " Not that either of you would know anything about that . But I need it ! " That was the last straw . Sam couldn 't take it anymore . Mom was wrong ; this she - devil was incapable of loving anyone other than herself , and he was going to let her know ! " Shut up , will you ! " Sam said , turning around to face her . " Why do you always have to go on and on ? You 're so mean to everyone ! Travis has never done a thing to you but like you ! But you 're horrible to him , you 're horrible to me , you 're horrible to everyone you come in contact with ! So please , just for one day … just one … SHUT UP ! " Silence filled the room , snuffing out even the most infinitesimal pocket of sound . You could hear a pin drop from three blocks over . Barron poked his head up from the porch , eyes wide , and then quickly ducked back down to safety . The air became so thick with tension that it would take a chainsaw to cut through it . But it was worth it , Sam thought . He had carried that around for so long . It felt like a fifty - pound boulder had just rolled off his back . Sarah stood there in shock . Her mouth was open , and for the first time in her life she was speechless . The first sound Sam heard again was the birds chirping in the background , followed by lawn mowers humming in the distance . Finally , Sarah gathered her composure . Tears welled in her eyes . She brushed a single strand of hair around her ear and said softly , " I made you breakfast … " She wiped the tear from her cheek and walked slowly from the kitchen . Sam didn 't say a word as he watched her walk away . She had never walked away before . She had always fought back . Sarah never got her feelings hurt , never . But he couldn 't be blamed ; he didn 't know she had any feelings . Sam could feel something growing in the pit of his stomach . Was that remorse ? Did he feel bad for saying what his sister had coming to her ? But that wasn 't fair ; he shouldn 't be the one to feel bad . No , it should be Sarah ; she had it coming . Didn 't she ? All of a sudden the lines were blurred . Things were not as clear as they once were . Sam walked to the table and sat down . He stared at the plate she had set out for him and the glass of water that had a long crack in it from top to bottom . Sam was bemused ; he had never been in this position with Sarah before . He had single - handedly managed to make another women cry in the Dalcome household , and he hadn 't even been awake for thirty minutes . Surely that must be some kind of record , he thought sadly . Deep down he was starting to think that this day may not turn out any better than yesterday . By that afternoon Sam had officially finished five loads of laundry , folded , and hung them all . His room was clean and dusted . It didn 't smell bad either , because he had doused the room in one of his mother 's air fresheners , something called Mountain Mist . It was six o ' clock when Travis arrived , knocking on the door . You could tell it was him because of his annoying Twentieth Century Fox drum roll knock . It was similar to the one at the beginning of Star Wars . Sarah answered it before Sam could reach the door . Sam waited behind her , expecting some snide remark to come flying out of her mouth . But what she said instead left him speechless . Travis stood there , dumfounded . He didn 't say a word . His mouth hung open like he wanted to say something , but he was evidently in shock . In the all the years that Sam and Travis had known each other , Sarah had never once spoken to Travis that kindly . Never . It was almost like he mattered to her , almost . There was no way this was the same girl from this morning , Sam thought . Was she acting hurt ? She was up to something ; Sam 's spider senses were doing more than just tingling . They were screaming RED ALERT ! " What ? Oh yeah , I uh … what just happened ? " Travis asked with his head tilted a little to the left , like dogs do when they 're trying to figure something out . " I mean , you saw that , right ? I didn 't imagine that , did I ? " She was evil that way . Sarah always had a reason for doing something , and it was usually at Sam 's expense . Whatever , it had happened ; regardless of what it was , it had happened . Sam waved Travis in , and the two made their way through the living room and into the kitchen . Travis grabbed a water bottle from the fridge , twisted off the cap , and took a large gulping drink . After three more gulps he put the bottle down . With water dripping from his chin he suddenly realized what Sam had said . " What , you cleaned your room ? " he asked . Travis thought for a moment - you could see the wheels turning in his head . " Yeah right , here pull the other one , " he said , sticking out his leg . Sam shrugged and gave him a look as if to say she was crazy . She 's evil and diabolical , he thought . If she thought for a moment that he was dumb enough to believe this bizarre and somewhat childish act , she had another thing coming . You can sign up for my newsletter , follow me on Twitter , or like my Facebook page . For more information , see my website dc - akers . com . Your support is appreciated . Thanks for reading ! Rain began to fall in earnest at about eight o ' clock that night . The tiny raindrops beaded up on Sam 's bedroom window and shimmered in the moonlight before streaking down like silver ribbons onto the wooden ledge . The street light down below flickered on and off as it always did . Sam sat up in his bed and stared at the small puddle that was starting to form on his window sill . The lightning cracked and thunder rumbled , followed by another bright flash that streaked across the sky . It was a good thing he didn 't go to the caves , he thought . He could see himself getting trapped there with Travis until the whole storm had passed . Sam forced himself to stand up and grab the bath towel that was draped over his desk chair . The leak from his window was now dripping onto the floor . He carefully folded the towel and placed it snugly under the edge of the window sill . In that moment , Sam thought he saw someone standing next to the light post . He waited , but it was too dark . His eyes were still trying to adjust from the sudden flash of light . Was it the stranger from before ? He couldn 't be sure . Thunder roared and it was dark once more . Sam quickly rubbed his eyes , trying hard to focus as the lightning struck again , blinding him momentarily . He searched frantically through the spots of green and blue floating in front of him , but the stranger was gone , vanished into thin air . She had her long brown hair pulled in a tight pony tail that draped across her right shoulder . Her light blue eyes were trapped behind a pair of thin reading glasses . She was wearing a light pink robe and house - shoes . " Mom , turn off the light ! " Sam whispered , worried that the stranger could see him now . Alisa Dalcome turned off the light and stood there in the doorway . Her silhouette stretched across the wooden floor . " What ? What on earth are you talking about ? " Mrs . Dalcome asked as she closed the door to his room . The lightning flickered again . Mrs . Dalcome scuffled across the cluttered floor , trying to reach Sam . " Don 't swear . You know I hate that ! Now see there , you made me say hate ! I don 't like that word either ! " His mother could be a bit old - fashioned at times , Sam thought . Words such as swear , hate , and liar were off - limits in the Dalcome household . Mrs . Dalcome thought there were better ways , nicer ways , to get your point across . Sam didn 't say anything for a moment . He continued to stare out the bedroom window . It wasn 't worth it , he thought to himself . The stranger was gone , again . Mrs . Dalcome looked down at Sam . His eyebrows furrowed as he stared solemnly at a star in the distance . There was clearly something bothering him . Something more than whatever he had , or hadn 't , seen outside . She reached over to his desk , pushing aside the magazines that covered the switch on the base of the lamp , and turned it on . The light was dim , but it seemed bright after the two of them had stood in the dark for so long . Mrs . Dalcome grabbed Sam 's hand and sat on his bed , pulling him down with her . Sam sat next to her , holding her hand and staring at the floor . Sam didn 't say anything at first . How could he make her understand that there was nothing she could do ? He couldn 't say anything more about the stranger without sounding like a nut case . As for Sarah , there was no way his mother was going to trade her in for a really cool brother , or even give her a good smack upside the head . Which she deserves , Sam thought . No , today started out bad , and had just gotten worse , and it wasn 't his mother 's fault . He was smart enough to know that . Sam couldn 't believe she was going to take Sarah 's side on this . Sarah was the meanest person he knew , except for Daniel Harris , and he did hate Daniel Harris . " No she doesn 't , Mom . She 's mean and it 's not just her . It 's school , it 's here , it 's my whole life ! " " Sam , look at me . I know it 's hard being thirteen . It 's not an easy age for anyone ; it wasn 't for me , your Dad , not even for Sarah . But it will pass and things will get better . I know that 's hard to hear now , but it 's true . " " I just feel alone sometimes . It 's hard to explain . " He could feel himself getting irritated . He didn 't want to talk about this anymore . " Well , you 're not alone . I 'm here . I have always been here , and I don 't think that 's going to change , do you ? " she said with a soft smile . She released his chin and placed her hand on his back again . " That 's not what I 'm talking about , not alone … alone . I mean like … " He paused for a moment ; he could not find the words . Where were the words ? Why were the words not there to explain the emptiness he was feeling ? Now he just sounded like a bumbling idiot . " It 's all of those things , Mom , and more ! I hate school , I hate Sarah , and I hate where we live ! It 's just all wrong , it just feels all wrong ! I just wish Dad was here ! " He looked in his mother 's eyes ; he could tell he had hurt her feelings . She let her arm slide down across his back and slowly stood up . She stepped over the piles of clothes , books and video games until she reached the doorway . Sam 's eyes followed her every inch of the way . She opened the door , walked out into the hallway and turned back , reaching back to grab the door knob . Sam saw her eyes were full of tears as she cleared her throat . You can sign up for my newsletter , follow me on Twitter , or like my Facebook page . For more information , see my website dc - akers . com . Your support is appreciated . Thanks for reading ! It began to sprinkle as they finally arrived at Sam 's house . Travis was still rambling as Sam headed for the rosebushes , like always . Every day the paper guy would throw the newspaper into the rosebush , so it was a real chore to try to get it out . Sam was pretty sure the paper guy did it on purpose to get back at Sam 's mother for turning him down when he offered to take her out on a date . The bushes were full of small thorns that looked like tiny shark fins protruding from the branches . Some of the areas were covered with spider webs , which was unusual since the roses were supposed to be insect - free . It was the reason his mother had planted them to begin with . It was the same type of spider Travis had been playing with this morning . Upon closer inspection , Sam could see six red eyes arranged into three pairs that formed a semicircle on the front of its pea - size head . Its segmented body was branded with three green stripes and a small circle near its head . He stared into the prickly bush . It would take his complete concentration if he was going to stick his arm into the rosebush and pull the newspaper out with any skin left on his arm . One false move meant pain , and lots of it . Sam knelt down in front of the bushes and slowly placed his hand through the destroyed web , and into the tangled array of stems and thorns toward the rolled up paper . " Um , I don 't know Trav , OUCH ! " Sam nicked himself on the top part of his hand . " That 's one , " he mumbled to himself . If he could get out of the bushes with less than three cuts he would break his own record . " No , it 's just been a long … OUCH … week , that 's all , and I 'm kind of tired … GOT YOU ! " Sam had the paper in his hand . He had done it , now he was ready to make his exit . Sarah was rounding the corner of Giddyup Lane when she noticed her brother and Travis by the rosebushes . The day had gone by so fast that she barely had enough time to dwell on what had happened this morning with Marcus Snider . But she was dwelling on it now . Had she caused all of that to happen this morning ? Did her anger cause the pipes to break and the water to burst from the ground ? Sarah sighed ; there was no point in denying it any longer . If she did , she would only be lying to herself . When she got mad , bad things happened , and when they did it usually involved - Sarah stopped in her tracks . She felt her skin crawl with sudden awareness . It usually involved water . Her mind raced back to the glass on the kitchen counter - it was filled with water . The pipes in the walls of the building were filled with water . The manhole cover had flown into the air because of the water underneath the ground . Before she realized it , she was standing just a few feet away from Travis and her brother . Sarah straightened her back . She could not show that anything unusual had happened . It was a good thing that she had run into the gymnasium locker room this morning where she dried her clothes and put herself back together . She would need to keep this a secret until she figured it all out . She would need to act as if nothing bizarre had happened today . She wouldn 't say a word about almost destroying the corner bakery and sporting goods store , almost killing Marcus and herself with a manhole cover , or the fight with loser Barry . No , she would keep it all inside like she always did . No one could be trusted with this . Sarah took a deep breath and pulled herself together . Act like you always do , she told herself . She watched as Travis and Sam continued their conversation , unaware of her presence . Sarah began to grin as a thought entered her mind . Act like you always do . His mouth was still moving ninety to nothing . His bad aftershave was almost unbearable but she stayed focused . She stood there calmly and took another deep breath and as loud as she could screamed out , He stood up slowly . His arms and face were bleeding from the scratches and tiny thorns that had lodged in his skin . He felt defeated . He stared down at the newspaper that he had dropped . It looked seemingly untouched in the middle of the twisted chaos they called a rosebush . You can sign up for my newsletter , follow me on Twitter , or like my Facebook page . For more information , see my website dc - akers . com . Your support is appreciated . Thanks for reading ! When first period rolled around Sam was beginning to feel a little optimistic about the last day of eighth grade . But before long the optimism vanished . His first class was gym , a class that he did not excel in at all . Coach Pillars was a tall , rather portly , balding man . He had the brilliant idea of playing dodgeball for the last day of the year . Sam hated the idea . Having balls thrown at his head at light speed did not sound like fun to him . Like always , Sam was chosen last , next to David Johnson who had broken his leg about six months ago and still had a limp . And , like always , he was the first person to get out . This time it was Mark Preston , ex - football player , who threw the ball from the opposite end of the gym and smacked Sam in the chest . The sheer force of the impact took Sam off his feet . Next to get out was David ; he took a ball to the face . When class ended Sam made his way into the locker room to find his locker door wide open . His deodorant , towel , pants , and shower gel were all on the floor . But there was no shirt . His vintage 1976 KISS Destroyer t - shirt was gone . Sam began to panic . He got that shirt for Christmas last year from his mother , and there was no telling how much she spent on it . It was his favorite t - shirt ! " What ? Noooo ! " Sam cried in disbelief . He ran to the first stall and kicked the door open . There was no shirt . Sam continued to kick open each door one after another until he came to last stall . There he saw his vintage KISS t - shirt on the edge of the toilet . To his relief it was not in the water . But as he stepped closer it became all too clear . The vintage t - shirt had been torn into three separate pieces , two of which were floating in the used toiled bowel . Sam 's heart sank . He loved that shirt and now it was gone forever . How in the world was he going to explain this to his mother ? After putting on his pants he threw the remains of his locker in the garbage . Sam was not taking any chances ; there was no telling what the perpetrator had done to those things . He quickly made his way to the school office . He felt ridiculous walking through the hallway wearing his sweaty gray t - shirt from gym class . But that was far better than the t - shirt he found in the lost - and - found . Since it was the last day of school there were only two shirts left - one red , one pink . Sam chose the red . As fate would have it the t - shirt had white letters that said , " I See Ninjas ! " in bold across the front . He tried to talk the principal into letting him go home early or wearing his gym shirt the rest of the day . Both ideas were shot down . The gym shirt was school - issued and needed to be turned in that day . Leaving early was not an option , not without written permission or a phone call from a parent , or having his mother pick him up at school . All of which were never going to happen . The last thing Sam wanted to do was tell his mother about his KISS t - shirt lying in several pieces at the bottom of a toilet . He made it through the rest of the morning unscathed . By lunch time he was starving . As he approached his locker with his stomach growling , Sam recalled the first thing Travis had said to him that morning : " Hey , your mom said pack a lunch " . He never had . He only had fifty cents to his name so he got a carton of milk for lunch . It would have to hold him over till he got home , if he made it that long without starving to death . He spent the entire lunch hour waiting for Travis , but Travis never showed up . He had gym right before lunch . Travis was always late , but never missed lunch . Sam knew that was not a good sign . Kids ran from all corners of the building . They looked like ants leaving their hill . Sam , who was feeling extremely self - conscious in his new adopted wardrobe , waited pa - tiently for Travis in front of the school . Like always , Travis was late . Finally , after about twenty minutes or so , he sur - faced . At first , Sam did not recognize him . His head was hanging low , and he was wearing a different shirt too . As Travis came closer what had happened became all too clear . Sam could feel his blood pressure starting to skyrocket as he stared at Travis , appalled . The sheer humility Travis wore on his face spoke volumes as he weaved through the crowd of kids who were laughing at him . " Aw , look at the twins ! Did you fish that out of the toilet too ? " he yelled pointing at Travis . They all laughed and pointed in Sam 's and Travis 's direction while climbing into Daniel 's SUV . Suddenly it all made sense . Daniel was in Travis 's gym class and Billy , Bobby , Timmy , and Todd were in Sam 's . Sam 's and Travis 's numbers had finally come up . Daniel and his group of idiots had been the ones to take their shirts . They had pulled one last prank before school ended and Sam and Travis had been the victims . " You know I love the movie but come on ! First you try to save the princess , then you kiss her , then you find out she 's your sister ! I don 't know about you , but I 'm thinking I would have shot myself in the face with a blaster ! " Sam paid no attention to Travis 's ramblings , except for the part about Travis sucking Jell - O off Paul Axtell 's plate . Apparently Travis took a late lunch after acquiring a new shirt . He went with the detention group . They always took the late lunch to keep them separated from the rest of the student body as part of their punishment . " So , I ask him , ' Can I have your Jell - O ? ' He says , ' No . ' So I put my finger in it . He said , ' I don 't care what you do to it , Travis , I 'm going to eat my Jell - O . ' So I look around to make sure there were no teachers standing by . Then I leaned over and sucked it right off his plate ! " Travis laughed , " You should have seen his face ! " Sam laughed too . He found that entertaining in a strange kind of way , mostly because Paul deserved it . Paul was always putting his finger in people 's food at lunch . It was starting to get cloudy . Things cooled off as a light breeze blew in from the north . The weatherman had talked about rain for days , and it looked like he was going to be right for a change . They needed the rain . Sam had waited all day to ask Travis about the chocolate wrapper he had found last night . He was sure it wasn 't from around here . But , one more opinion wouldn 't hurt , he thought . " Um , I don 't think it 's from around here . I mean , you can 't get away with just saying " Family Secret " for the in - gredients . Maybe it 's from overseas or something , " Travis said as he twisted the paper back and forth , examining it more closely . Sam was bursting at the seams to tell him everything , but that wasn 't going to happen . How could he tell Travis something he wasn 't sure he understood himself ? No , it was best to wait until he could think it over and figure it out on his own . You can sign up for my newsletter , follow me on Twitter , or like my Facebook page . For more information , see my website dc - akers . com . Your support is appreciated . Thanks for reading ! The light changed . Sarah crossed her arms and turned toward Angelo 's Bakery . Maybe she should just get Sam something there . After all , lunch at the school cafeteria was always bad . There was no telling what leftovers they would be serving on the last day of school . Sam was still her brother , even if he was a giant pain most of the time . He annoyed her , but not for the reasons most people thought he did . Sam had it easy ; life just rolled off him . He blended in , he was under the radar , and no one ever noticed him . It was like he was invisible . And because of that , people were not always expecting things from him like they did from her . He could be himself and not what everyone expected him to be . Sam didn 't need to put walls up for protection like she did . He had everything - a great life , a best friend , and things were probably only going to get better from here . Sarah , on the other hand , had none of that . Her friends could not be trusted ; they were only her friends because she was popular , and she was only popular because of the way she looked . She could never call one of them up and confide in them , like Sam could Travis , without the whole school finding out . They were all superficial wannabes , pretending to care as long as she stayed popular . She hated who she had become , hated that she had to be so mean to everyone , including her own brother , but that 's what was expected - that was the price of popularity . She couldn 't even be normal in her own house anymore ; she couldn 't remember how . She walked around so frustrated and angry all the time . The only restraint she could show was to her mother , because she was all they had left . Every day she felt like she was getting closer and closer to the edge . She was scared of what might happen if she reached a breaking point . It was hard keeping it all bottled up inside . But what choice did she have ? Who could she really tell ? She knew the answer to that question - no one . She couldn 't tell her friends that there was more to life than being popular . That there was socializing for the simple purpose of getting to know someone and enjoying their company instead of how they could help you climb the social ladder . Going to the mall with your hair up , no makeup , and eating a big fat pizza without worrying about the carbs . She knew they would never go for that . They would just say that 's what ugly people do . Which was fitting , she thought , because she felt ugly inside , even though people thought she was so pretty . She wanted to tell them she was lonely for a real boyfriend ; one that she could trust , not one that liked her for her looks and then cheated on her . She wanted someone to care about her and to like her for who she was as a person . But again , what chance did she really have ? She knew she would never let anyone inside the emotional walls she had built . The risk of being hurt was far too great . Her past choices in friends and boyfriends had taught her one thing - no one could be trusted . Perhaps she couldn 't be trusted to make the right choices either . After all , she was responsible for choosing her friends and Barry . Sarah walked toward the bakery and glanced over to see someone lurking in the alleyway . It was Marcus . He had a roguish smirk of his face . Sarah was not laughing . She loathed Marcus Snider . He was a bully and a pig . It made her angry just to look at him . For four years students had endured his rude and crude comments and for four years she had done nothing . The jocks stayed away from him because he was rumored to have stabbed someone in a fight once . Whether it was true or not , Sarah didn 't know . But people had seen him fight on campus many times and he always won . " Or what ? " he shouted back . " Are you gonna call Daddy ? Oh , no , wait , " he said putting his hand to his mouth like he was surprised . " You haven 't got a daddy , do you ? Maybe your mommy is a little too prissy like her daughter , and no one wants a Dalcome woman ! " he said , laughing . Sarah began to walk toward Marcus , her ice blue eyes narrowing on the filthy , long - haired boy . To talk about her and her friends was one thing . To talk about her mother and father , that was something totally different . Strange things happened when Sarah got angry . She didn 't know why or how , but sometimes things would break around her . It started about a month ago when she cut her finger on a kitchen knife while unloading the dishwasher . She winced in pain , mad at herself for not paying attention . Sarah became angry . It was at that point the glass of water sitting on the kitchen counter began to rattle . Then , suddenly the glass exploded , sending shards of glass in every direction . She had screamed and ran out of the kitchen . Another time , while she was in the garage looking for a school yearbook she had accidentally backed up into the yard tools hanging on the wall . They came crashing down . She shrieked and clenched her body tight as they fell to the ground around her . That 's when it happened - all eight sprinkler heads on the side of the house burst . Thin jets of water shot into the air nearly ten feet high . Prior to that the sprinkler system had not worked in years . At first Sarah lied about what happened . She did not want to tell her mother - it just sounded too crazy . In the end , the truth came out , but to her surprise all that her mother said was " Suppression keeps you calm ; calm places you in control . " But she said it as if she was thinking out loud , reciting it from memory or something . When Sarah asked if she believed her story , her mother replied , " The pipes are old ; the whole house is falling apart , Dear . " Too much had happened this week with finals , finding out that Barry cheated on her , and worst of all , her so - called friends knowing what Barry had done and never saying a single word . Apparently , getting sick the day of a party was unacceptable girlfriend behavior punishable by cheating . If she had not overheard Blake Miller talking about it to one of the cheerleaders in the hallway , she would have never known . As it was , it took her a week to find out . Her girlfriends hadn 't said anything ; they probably enjoyed humiliating her , and they couldn 't wait for the fall - out between her and Barry to happen . So now , on top of all this , she had to deal with Marcus too . This creep , this low - life who was going to insult her family ! Insult her dead father and the only parent she had left ? No . Not today . Today she would not be calm . Today she wanted to be angry . Her anger was like a caged lion - beautiful , powerful , and dying to be set free . Sarah walked between the two buildings with her hands clenched and knuckles white . She was determined to make Marcus suffer for every innocent kid he had ever picked on . For every girl he had ever humiliated . For every loathing comment that had slithered out of his mouth . Marcus continued to laugh and motioned for her to come closer . Sarah kept walking until she was consumed in the shadows between the two buildings . She stopped to face Marcus . " Take it back , Marcus ! " she said . She was so angry that her hands were shaking . She let her backpack slide off her shoulder onto the ground . Her anger was fueled by his vile remarks about the father she had never known , and her mother who tried so hard to take care of her and her brother . He had no right to cheapen that . She wanted to wipe that pathetic grin off his face . " Or what ? You 're going to throw a rock at me ? Sweetheart , you 're gonna have to do a lot more than that to shut me up ! " Sarah reared back , and with all her might threw the rock as hard as she could . The rock soared through the air , but fell far from its intended target . It landed several feet to the left of Marcus . He bellowed with laugher . It was a deep , gravelly , smoker 's laugh . To Sarah it was like nails on a chalkboard . It made her skin crawl . " Guess whose turn it is now , princess ? " His stare narrowed and his eyes met Sarah 's . She could see the malice in his eyes . He hated her as much as she hated him . Sarah stood her ground . She was breathing heavily and she could feel her pulse pounding in her head . She clenched her fists until her fingernails dug into her palms . She could feel her arms tremble . Suddenly , there was loud rumble and several things happened at once . Deep cracks began to spread from the edges around a manhole that was between Sarah and Marcus . The cracks spread across the ground and up the sides of both buildings in the alleyway . Water burst from the manhole sending its enormous cover twenty feet into the air . The heavy steel lid came crashing down near Marcus . The cracks in the walls sprayed water through the crevices , and the sounds of pipes bursting and buckling behind the walls rang out . Sarah could barely see him as he ran farther down the alleyway . She could feel the ground shake beneath her . She stumbled and fell to the ground , landing on her side . Water rained down on her and bricks fell from the sides of both buildings onto the street . She let out a loud scream . Quickly , she got to her feet , turned , and began running as fast as she could toward school . She didn 't stop for her backpack or the traffic light at the end of the alleyway . Latecomers who were gathering across the street parted as a drenched girl ran past them , terrified . Sarah ran to the back of the campus toward the gymnasium . She didn 't stop running until she reached the back door . Quickly , she opened the door and closed it behind her . She looked down the hallway . No one was there . Everyone was in class . Sarah turned around , looking through the two small windows of the door . Fire trucks had pulled up next to the alleyway . You can sign up for my newsletter , follow me on Twitter , or like my Facebook page . For more information , see my website dc - akers . com . Your support is appreciated . Thanks for reading ! |
was a German named Hermen Gelbke and her mother 's name was Barbara Bertha Kurz . Bertha Joyce 's given name was Fredrica Gelbke , but she grew up with the name Bertha Hermina Joyce . Apparently , Hermen Gelbke was a German immigrant to the United Bingham Farms , Michigan . She married Craig Smith on July 27th , 1974 . They have three children : David L . Smith ( b . 1976 ) , Matthew W . Smith ( b . 1979 ) , and Kevin C . Smith ( b . 1984 ) . Michigan . She married Louis J . Howson in August 17th , 1973 . They have four kids , Christine P . Howson ( b . 1976 ) , Steve L . Howson ( b . 1980 ) , Beth Ann Howson ( b . 1982 ) , Mark William resides at 513 Skyline Drive in Great Falls , Montana . She works as a judge in Great Falls . She married Steve M . Johnson . They have two children , twins , Kirk S . Johnson ( b . 1982 ) and Erika M . Johnson ( b . 1982 ) . Michael Robert Joyce was born in Detroit , Michigan on December 29th , 1949 . He currently resides at 101 Jeter Mtn Ter in Hendersonville , North Carolina . He works for Southern Bell Telephone Company . He married April D . on August 3rd , 1974 . They had two children , Meghan M . Joyce ( b . 1975 ) , and Michael R . Joyce ( b . 1978 ) . Meghan M . Joyce married Judd Pierson in April 19 , 1996 . They currently reside at 59 Silverleaf in Hendersonville , North Carolina . They have six children . 1978 . Yeong had two children from a previous marriage , Ron Kim ( b . 1968 ) and Ann Kim ( b . 1963 ) . Kathy and Yeong had one child , Melissa M . Kim ( b . 1987 ) . a lawyer . She married Abe Galanter on August 15th , 1980 . They have two children , Adam Chaim Galanter ( b . 1983 ) and Amy E . Galanter ( b . 1988 ) . Abe has two children from a previous marriage , Helen G . Galanter ( b . 1957 ; d . 1985 ) , and Judy Ann Galanter Vispon ( b . was born in Detroit on September 26th , 1957 . He presently resides in Angola , Indiana . He married Amy B . Sharrow on December 29th , 1989 . Amy has three 1917 in Chicago . My mother told me that when I was about three months old we moved to this area . We moved to Flint , I think , and after a while we moved to Detroit . In 1932 my family moved to Belleville . When we first moved to Detroit I lived at 5044 Proctor . Then we moved to Tarnow Street and then we moved to Florida Street - - three different houses on Florida . We moved several times . When my dad lived with us we were living on Proctor , Tarnow , and the first house on Florida . Mother told us he died , that he went over across to Germany to visit his parents and died on the way over . I was probably about four years old . I went to public school in Detroit at Prest elementary school . I went to Longer Intermediate school in Detroit , and to Chadsey High School . Chadsey High School was a brand new school when I entered it . It was not completed , and it didn 't have a gymnasium or a swimming pool at the time . Chadsey is in Detroit on McGraw . My mom was never remarried . Our family was supported by her half brothers Jack , Henry , and Bill ( we had the same mother but different fathers . ) They were older than me . My mother had been married before , but her first husband had died of pneumonia . My mother had five children from her first marriage . The oldest who was older than me . I had a sister , Dorothy , and a brother , Arthur , both natural . Dorothy and Arthur were younger than me . My as I knew it was Bertha Duey - - Bertha Hermina Duey - I found out later that I was supposed to be named after my mother . My mothers maiden name was Kurz ( German ) . Her found a Fredericka Gelbke that was born September 20th , 1917 , with the mother Bertha Kurz . My dads name ( I guess ) was Herman Gelbke . I have a feeling ( I 've been meaning to check ) that my mother divorced him and took back her maiden name . I have a feeling that that 's what happened , because why would she change her name back ? I decided all my school records and everything would be under the name Bertha Duey . I had my name legally changed to Bertha Duey . I went to court this time my brother Henry ( whose nickname was " Tex " got a job at a meat packing company . He said he was 18 , although he was only 14 . He helped support the family . My brother Bill was to young ( to work ) , he was still in school ( he was only 10 at Tex supported the family . He was a very , very nice brother . Very kind . He decided to stay with my mother until the rest of us were grown up . He didn 't get married until he was about 29 or 30 . He didn 't had cleaned the house already . I hated missing school . When I was in high school , she told me I had to be home at a certain time , like twelve o ' clock . Normally they have classes and they have study hours . So I went to my about two houses from us , and my mother sent me there to get her grocery list and go to the store for her . But I couldn 't understand her German . I knew some German , talked my mom into going there and I told her if she didn 't understand something id help her . " After all mom , you 're in America now , you should learn how to speak English . " She didn 't speak English at first , just German and polish also . So she went to night school and learned how to speak English and write English and she did very well . I was very proud of her . So I had her go to the neighbors house and get the grocery list , and then she 'd tell me what to get . I spoke German also , but not Polish . She could converse with the polish me an accomplishment . ( My parents ) met in America . ( But they were born in the Old World ) My dad came from Austria and my mom came from Germany . The one thing I 'm sorry about is that we didn 't continue to speak German because we probably would have and graduated from there . I was 15 when they bought the farm in Belleville ( Tex bought it ) It was on Martinsville Road . What we did first was to try up ( a little pink thing in the sky ) , And I thought , heaven must look like this . It was absolutely gorgeous . First thing , I learned how to hammer . I helped my brother Bill put brick siding on the house . Then and held it against the window and screen and just kept painting along and wiping up the drips . I didn 't make a mess . And my brother decided that I won 't stay down Tex . I keep trying , but it won 't stay down . " He said , " Don 't waste your time because that board is starting to rot . " And so we replaced the board , and we finished the roof . But was , if you get a chance to learn something , learn it , because you never know when you 're going to need it . In this instance it was 40 years later that I used that knowledge . We were having a roof put on our house and nine months later it leaked . I board was starting to rot . It should have been replaced then . There was a silence and then the man said , " You are absolutely right . " And they replaced it , no cost to me . Then we plowed . I horses and cows to eat . We moved there in 1932 . Things weren 't bad in spite of the Great Depression , because my brothers were working . Actually I had two brothers working because Bill graduated from Henry Ford Trade School and he got a job . Henry had the afternoon shift . He 'd get up early and work on the farm . At twelve o ' clock , he 'd quit and wash up and get ready to go to work at Ford . I think he had to be at work at two or three . Bill also worked well and putting tomato bugs into the pale . The farm had forty acres . We didn 't farm all of it because there was a woods way in the back . We farmed about twenty acres , and there was a nice big part that was a was in town , that was the problem . I don 't think they had busses . I lost my sight in October , and I had only finished the tenth grade . The Accident This was how I went blind . I was white washing a chicken coup with a spray pump and the spray pump blew up and hit me in the face . White wash is made with lime . It 's like what Tom sawyer used on fences to keep the bugs down . The use it in basements etc . You to take me to Henry ford hospital . And they kept me there . I also remember that the young doctor who examined me , he wasn 't the head of the eye department , while ? " And they said , " No , not yet . " ( An adhesion is a piece of skin which grows in the eye and attaches to the lid . ) I didn 't see at all during that time , I don 't even remember whether I saw light or not . One day I went to ( the doctor ) and he said , " How would you like to finish high yourself . " And I said , " Mom , I 've never sat still . " I wanted to show her that even though I could see , I could still iron , I could still know why this happened to me , but I know there 's some work You want me to do and I 'm ready to do it . But please let me have a little fun while I 'm doing it . " And it seemed like I started enjoying life a little bit more . There was an old barn where they held dances every week . It wasn 't just young people that went to the dance . Families would go there . My brothers and sisters were going there and they asked me if I wanted to come . I loved to dance , but I said no . I was thinking that everyone would feel sorry for me , and I didn 't want that . Then all of a sudden , after I said that prayer , I decided I 'd go . That Saturday night they said , " Bert , are you going to go to the dance ? " And I said yes . And I went , and I had fun . Everybody ( in town ) knew I had had the accident . Everybody and I was ( I said yes ) . Tex was going out with his daughter at the time . He got in the square and he said , " Now you all know that Bert cant see , so when she puts out her and then the polka , and shodish . I had a ball that night . It was great . I really had fun . So after that I went every Saturday night with my brothers and sisters . Our Family One sister ( Dorothy ) ran away and got married . She was only 16 . ( I knew the boy . I didn 't care for him to much . When I saw her again , year when my mother was going to throw the calendar out , I asked her if I could have the picture and she gave it to me . I treasured that picture for years and years and years . I think I lost it after I lost my sight . I remember folding and she 'd say , " Bert , why don 't you come to church with me ? " And I did . And then I went to a young peoples group Sunday night with her . And then I went to the Catholic church with some friends on another day . And I went to Baptist , and Presbyterian , and Lutheran . I went to the young peoples group . ( These were all outside the school . ) School for the Blind in 1937 . I remember it took me over a month to learn how to read Braille . Learning the symbols wasn 't difficult , but learning how to feel them , to differentiate between the letters was difficult . And I thought I was extremely slow . But they told me I wasn 't that slow , I was really pretty fast at learning Braille . ( You know it took the time to read the A the B the C and to read … ) I had a couple of people who were real good friends of mine in my class . And as reading speed , I think I 'm up to the third grade , which is not that great , but I can read Braille . There is no time limit that binds me so I can just read at my speed . For me its wonderful that I can still read it . ) And it was interesting to our room , we 're going to have a party . " " I have to study . " " Oh Bert , you don 't have to study . " It 's like they thought I was going to get it by osmosis . And I said , and I said , " Can I come in ? I 'm not studying today . " " What ? Not studying today ? " I said , " That 's right , I 'm all through studying . I 'm ready to join the fun . " So I stayed with them . ( It wasn 't any drinking party . They sang , and played games - it was fun . ) But it was just different . I had to go to them to tell them I was ready to party , instead of them asking me to party . They just didn 't bother - " No sense in asking you anymore Bert . " That was probably true because I wanted to study . ( From ) studying , and I became salutatorian . They had a spelling contest at the school and I won that . They had essay contests , and I think I won one . I became editor of the school paper . I had never done any tricks on the ( Sixth grade at Prest school - Prest School was on Casper Street . ) . I can still remember the states around Vermont - Rhode Island , Massachusetts - she made us memorize those . I thought she was a good teacher because she taught , and she didn 't fool around . She was a tough teacher . I thought she was very very good . She was very interesting . And she was an older teacher . Her name was Miss Leroy ( She never got married ) . Its amazing how some of these teachers are really tough and good . I mean , I had an English teacher at the School for the Blind where the kids could get off the subject , would say , " We can get him off the subject and get him talking about things that he likes to talk about . " I was in sixth grade when I had Miss Leroy at Prest School . Prest school was on Casper Street . did it in Braille . I don 't know if they did it in print or not . That way all the kids could read it . It was like all school would write for their class . There were 27 in my graduating class . Our class was one of the biggest classes they had had at the school . Most of the classes were smaller , maybe 10 , 12 , or 18 . At the school we had breakfast , lunch and dinner together . I was asked if I would be a hostess at a table . This is something that I have always thought : that blind people should be corrected if they do something wrong . They should be told its not appropriate . I was a hostess and I couldn 't see what the people were doing . But girl to play some music . She led me into a dance . Then she turned to me and said , " I hate you ! " I said , " Why ? " She said , " Because all the boys will want to dance with you and they won 't want to dance with the rest of us . " She said , " There is a guy that said your his girl . " I can I be his girl when I haven 't said , ' Yes , I 'll be your girl . ' " We did have a dance . Lots of the boys asked me to dance with them I don 't think they me to dance . I danced with him and I had the audacity to say to him . Les , don 't go asking other girls to dance until you do something about your bad breath . I 'm not going to tell anyone else about it , but I want to tell you about it . " He said , " Thanks Bert . " So he left and went back he asked me if I 'd be his girl and I said , " Don 't waste your time on me . Nothing will ever come of it . " I told him that because I didn 't I had seen my brother Tex . He had met a girl and proposed to her and they were supposed to get married the following week . She had broken up with an old boyfriend maybe six month before that . A couple days before the wedding she contacted my brother and told him that she was not going to marry him . She had gotten together with her old boyfriend . Uncle Tex was broken up about it . I was School for the Blind to see me . It was on a Sunday . I was surprised to see him on a Sunday because usually he came on a Friday night to pick me up and take me home . I could tell he was feeling bad and I knew something was wrong . He asked for permission to take me out of school . We drove around for a while and he told me that she had called him and told him that the wedding was off . I thought , " Thank god its before the wedding and not after the wedding . It would be worse to get married and then have to get divorced . " I said , " She 's not the right girl for you Tex . There is somebody out there who is really for you . You 're going to meet her . And you are going to know when you meet her that that 's the girl for you . " Two months later he came back to me and he said , " Guess what Bert ! " I said , " You met the girl , right ? " I knew because he was so happy that time . He met Aunt Margaret . She was the lady he married . She was a widower with two children . It was interesting because at Easter he picked me up to bring me home . On Saturday morning he left early to go to the library because I had some stuff I wanted him to look up for me because I had a paper to write . He said ill be back to do it for you . He left in the morning and didn 't come back for a long time . My mother said , " I wonder where he is ? " And I , in about one o ' clock and said , " Mom , I want you to meet my wife ! " And I laughed and I laughed and I laughed . My sister in law will never forget how hard I laughed . Because kids , he thought I would just run off and marry anybody to be a mother with six kids . The superintendent had overheard me talking to someone else about it while he was walking by . I didn 't get a chance to go to college . But I think God knew what he was doing because I met Bill Joyce at a dramatic club in Detroit after I graduated from school . ( I had been living at the farm for a while , when I decided I wanted to move to the city . The doctor helped me get an arrangement in Detroit where I took care of a ladies children for room and board . I also went to Dictaphone school . A Dictaphone is a recorder that speaks and then you type what it says . ) This dramatic club was for the blind . I always enjoyed it . I met Bill there . He liked me and I liked him very much . So best friends . So of course when Wes got my letter , he showed it to Clayton . And Clayton said , " I 'll have to congratulate Bill . " So he called Bill up and congratulated him . When Bill next I do ! " He said , " I love you to . " I was surprised but I realized that I should have thought of that . I didn 't think of that . I knew they were friends but I didn 't operate the press . I got the job at Briggs in 1939 . I didn 't keep the job at Briggs because Dr . Whitney called me and told me that he wanted me to go to Baltimore to get some treatment . I didn 't have partial site at the time . I went to Baltimore to get partial sight back . I only had light and slight shadow perception at the time . The during the year , and his mother read to him . He graduated Cum Laude . He went to college at Wayne state university in Detroit , starting in 1935 . While he I met him . He graduated from law school in 1942 . He graduated from law school with the highest marks anybody had had in ten years or so . His mother read to him the whole time he was in Law School . He wanted to get married while he was still in Law school . I was working at Briggs Manufacturing . He wanted to get married , but his father said , " If you get married , your mother will no longer read I took treatments . They turned me over to the Lyons club in Baltimore . I stayed in Baltimore at a home for business girls . I went to Baltimore by train , and I thought only one man room . In Baltimore they had a rule that no blind person could walk the streets alone . The Lyons club arranged for a lady to take me to the hospital or wherever I had to go . Some of the girls would ask me to go with them for a walk or to a show or whatever . I had a roommate with whom I became very good friends . I 'm still in touch with her today . Her name was Virginia Rockwell . I remember that I took the treatments every week the treatments made my eyes feel like they were burning out of my head . One blind . This was supposed to help me get partial sight . Now I was totally blind . I remained that way for a month . I remember waking up one morning and opening my eyes and I could see . I was leaning my face on my hand and elbow . I looked across can see ! Bert can see ! " She screamed , screamed , screamed . That morning I called the doctor and asked him if he wanted to see me , because I could see . He said , " Yes . " So I called the lady to take me but not enough to fill this out . Would you help me ? " He said yes . He helped me fill it out . I told him I had been a switchboard operator and a Dictaphone operator , and a typist . So here I am in the employment office and the phone rings . He a switchboard operator and a receptionist . Do you want to try for it ? " I said , " Yes . Where is it ? " He said , " It 's just down the street . You can walk there or take a bus . " He told me where it was and I walked there . The employment manager met me and took me to the switchboard . This switchboard was much bigger than the one I had operated before . It was one where you plug the plugs into the holes . I looked come back tomorrow and try again . " He said , No , that will be just fine . " So I wrote down all the names and memorized them . I came back the next morning and worked the switchboard . He said , " Is there anything I can get for you to make it easier for you to see ? " I said , " Can I get a goose neck lamp so I can see the holes a little better . He said sure . He called the electrician and said , " Give her anything she wants . " The electrician got me the lamp . If I turned it a certain way , I could see all the holes a little bit . I worked for about an hour . The manager came back and said , " You 're hired . Everybody likes the way you do things and your voice sounds good . " ( I was staying in Baltimore still because I was still getting some treatment . I was all through with the initial treatment , but they were working on the other eye , trying to get it to see me . Now Mr . K was the vice president of the company . His real name was Aaron Klautzman , but everybody called him Mr . K . He was a very nice person . I was wondering , " Why does Mr . K want Duey , you owe me $ 1800 . " I said , " I do ? " He said , " Yes , the Lion 's Club in Detroit has not been sending any money and I 've been paying for your room and board personally . I paid for your operation also . " I said , " Mr . K , you don 't even know me . Why did you do it ? " He said , " Do you remember the first day said , " I was there with Mr . Alder and I took one look at you and I thought , ' She 's a good risk . ' " Now I 'll tell you what I think happened : The lady who took me to the hospital was a good friend of Mr . K 's . She me to a play or a concert and stuff . He knew about everything I was doing . When she told him I was looking for work , he decided he would give me this job because I had been a switchboard operator . That was open , so he gave me the job . I thin it was he that was responsible for me getting a job . ( When I went back to Michigan , I couldn 't get a good job . I was working in a restaurant as a short order don 't I pay for my room and board . " He said OK . He had been paying for that up till then . I stayed in Baltimore until I had paid Mr . K off . They wanted me to stay . They said , " Why don 't was still paying for my hospital bill , I decided that I would try to support myself . So I offered to work doing anything . They asked me if I 'd like to had maybe ten or fifteen phones at the school for the blind , so they needed a switchboard . I think they had switches instead of plugs there . On the weekends I would tables . I got paid for these things . I was willing to do anything to earn money . No work was beneath me . In the sixth grade the teacher asked everybody what they Before I went to the school for the blind , Tex was taking me to Dr . Whitney . Tex had told me that he was deep in debt because of my hospital bill . He couldn 't afford to take me every week to the doctor . I said , " Get your brother . " I called my brother in . The doctor said , " Can you bring her every week if I don 't charge you ? " Tex said yes . The doctor said , " I 've got to see her every week . " He was tearing down adhesions all the time . didn 't hire me for that . She hired me to take care of her kid . She wanted me to stay on my day off to help her cook . I said , never done this before , have you ? " I said , " Well , I 've taken care of kids . " She said , " You 're to smart to get into this , " because time with Bill . ) and also a job as a short order cook and waitress at the Three Bears Restaurant on Harper . Then I got a job in the mailroom at Chevrolet where they mail out the advertising . I collated the materials and stuffed them in envelopes . I to keep me . I was the only one they kept . I was surprised . But they told me that I don 't waste time . I remember the other girls telling me that I worked to fast . I said , " No , I don 't work fast , I work at a speed that is comfortable for me . Not hard on me , just comfortable . " So they kept me after the layoff . Then they had a bigger layoff and they closed down that whole office . After that I got a job at Briggs manufacturing on Mack and St . James in Detroit . They also had a layoff there and they kept me and another girl that had one hand after the layoff . more . I only had partial sight and I couldn 't read as much as she was . So I suggested to Bill that we postpone our marriage until he got through with Law School . After he took the Bar exam we would get married . That 's what we did . He passed all sixteen subjects in the bar exam and we set a date for our wedding . He didn 't have a job in Law yet , but we set a date for our wedding anyway . Right after he took the Bar he said , " When are we going to get married . He took the bar in 1943 . He got notice that he passed in September and would sell the tot shop . They sold it . I was very happy about that because it was to much for me to keep running downtown to get supplies . storm windows . We had to have coal for our furnace . When Bill was down there in the morning getting the fire started , I saw the flames shooting out at him . It scared me to death . I heard that you could get your furnace converted to gas . Not everybody could get it converted . You had to have a good reason because this was during war time . So I had to write a letter to the gas company and ask them for permission to convert our furnace to gas because I was afraid for Bills life . They let us do it . This was nice because now we had a thermostat . It was great . The man who had our contract , a Jewish gentleman , said he never saw anybody pay off make a commitment to decide what you 're going to do so that you can accomplish what you want to do . This way the house was free and clear . We paid it off in a went to Jackson . That Lawyer had Bill work for him on small suits , and Bill didn 't make much money at all . After we 'd been there about two or three months I said , " This is never going to work . We are going into our savings . We did dad looked out for another house for us . We bought another house in Detroit . It was a flat . We lived downstairs and rented the upstairs and that helped had given up because the Dean of the law School had also asked the Republican Prosecutor to hire Bill . He said over and over that he would do it , but he never did . Bill two gentleman were friends . One day rod called and Bill wasn 't home . I told Rod that I felt very bad about something that I had done . I told him that I had lied to him about Bill not being home when he really was home . I told him that Bill was so discouraged that he didn 't want anything more to do with law . It was near election time . It wasn 't but a few days him and tell him that I 'm going to work for him , and if he gets elected , he has to hire Bill . Fred is going to do the same thing with the Republican prosecutor . We 'll see what happens Bert . " What happened was that the Democratic " I cant do it Bert . I 've forgotten to much law , I cant do it Bert . " I said , " I don 't know what you 're talking about ! This is the dream you had . You mean you are just going to interview and if you get hired , you wont have to work any more selling door to door . Ill ask Tex to lend me enough to live on until the first of the year . You can pay him back when you get your job . You ask your mother to read to you from now until the first of January , and I 'm sure you will remember all the law . I know you think you will remember , just reviewing it . " So that 's what he did . He went down for the interview and he was hired . He went down to his mother 's house in East Detroit ( Eastpoint ) every day , and she read to him . My brother lent me the money . It worked out just the way I and that 's where he stayed . He would listen to cases . He would not order a warrant against anybody unless he had heard both sides , because he didn 't want bat and hit him . He was going to prosecute the manager for assault and battery . Bill said to the ex - husband , " Did she invite you over to her house ? " The man said no . " Then what were you doing there with a gun ? You shouldn 't have been there . " At the end of the conversation , Bill said , " If I ever hear that you are bothering probation to him for a year . He called this a Peace Bond . If they didn 't get into any more trouble in that year , he would throw that record out . However , should they get in any trouble before the year was up , he would hold that record against him . There is a colored lawyer in Detroit who was from New York . When he was eighteen he was brought in for drugs . The kids was in a bad I don 't ever want to see you in the prosecutors office again unless you 're a lawyer . " He claims that Bill changed his whole life . He moved out , Pointe came up to me and said , " Boy , I was before your husband and he gave me hell . He made me see the light and I straightened up real fast . " The Farr Street House While we were living on Farr street , my mother had a stroke . She was paralyzed on her whole left side . She was in Ford Hospital . I asked Bill she is going to walk again . And You 're going to giver me some ideas as to what to do . " The first thought I had was to get her blood circulating . So was that I had to get her strong enough so that she could stand on her feet and hold a spoon . So I thought of different exercises to do those things . I would literally up and walking to the bathroom . She wasn 't walking spryly . She was getting up and shuffling her feet . But she was walking . So we had another appointment to see the doctor at Ford hospital . This time she walked in . When the doctor saw this , he turned to me and said , how on earth did you do it ? " So I told him all the things that I did . And that was the beginning of therapy , I think . I could have made money if I had patented my ideas . The first idea I had was when I was fifteen and I was painting . I got the idea to hold a piece of cardboard against windows and trim when your painting . Now they have little plastic things that you buy that do the same things . The to say to me , " Boy , it 's a shame to get paid for doing something you love so much . " And I said , " No , that 's the way to go ! " I know that I told my children when they were looking for a career : find something that you really love . That way when 7you look at the clock , you 'll say , wow , it 's five o ' clock , where did the time go . ? That 's better than looking at the clock and saying : eleven o ' clock ! Oh no ! Four more hours to go and I don 't know the kids were fun . I always enjoyed to kids . Bill would leave in the morning and he would say , " Now don 't let anything happen to the kids . I don 't care about the house , just don 't let anything happen to the kids . " Then he would call me around noon and ask me what I was doing . I 'd prosecutors office . We had two bedrooms downstairs and three upstairs . There was a bathroom with a sink upstairs and a full bath downstairs . It was a very nice house . It was made out of brick . It cost us $ 11 , 000 in 1950 . It had a garage also . We moved there because we could afford a better home then . When we moved to later on Lakewood . We lived in this house until 1957 . The only reason we moved was because we suspected one of our neighbors of poisoning Bill 's leader dog . There was an eighteen year old boy who lived next door to us . In " Jack , did you squirt my dog ? " He said yes . I said , " Why ? " He said he didn 't know . The dog hated him with a passion after that . I mean , when he was out there , she would run at the fence like she was going to tear it down and kill him . ( This was Bills leader dog . I never had a leader dog until much later . I used to use his leader dog when I wanted to go for a walk by myself . I know I wasn 't supposed to , but I figured that I fed the dog and brushed the me . ) That night , she came in acting like she was sick . She bloated up . I had to call a vet and two vets came out . They had to puncture her because she was blown up so big . They took her in and she died . It seems like they said that place and found Lakewood and moved there . But we would never have moved if things were different . We liked Newport . And it was easy for Bill to come home kids and they would skate to Chandler Park . Everybody would ask where they could rent the skates from . I took the kids to play baseball . I used to take them to Belle charge of calling baseball and football teams to get tickets for the blind to go to the games . She didn 't get paid for it . She lived in Dearborn Heights . I would call her every day and she would call me every day . She would to go to concerts , and Christmas Parties at Kern 's ( a department store on Woodward across the street from Hudson 's . It had a big clock on it and everybody met under the clock . " I 'll " This is great ! " Olga has been doing this for fifteen years . It would be some justice if she could do this work and get paid for it . Because there is nobody better than she is . So I called them up and recommended her . They asked , " Does she have a college degree ? " I said no . " Then we cant hire her . " I said , " Why not ? She 's had lot named Father O ' Keefe . I liked to go to his mass . Bill would take some of the kids to the six o ' clock Mass and then I 'd go to the later mass . He found out that I liked his mass a lot . So he stopped at our house . When we went for a walk we would stop at the church for a while . The churches go to the Church . I walked there and it was locked . That was later on Lakewood . I became Catholic when I married Bill . I was taking instructions from a priest . I disagreed with if something happens to my sister I can make sure that my Godchild goes to a Lutheran church . The priests name was McNamara . He said he didn 't know what he was and used to be Bert Duey ? " I said yes . He said , " I will never forget you . " I said , " Good Father ! I will never forget you ! " I had churches . I didn 't think it would be a sin to go to another church . I once had a situation like that where I did go to a Presbyterian Church . He told me I couldn 't do it . I said , " Well , sorry to long ago , Jim called me up and said , " Mother , what time are the Masses at St . Clement 's ? " I said , " Eight , Ten , and Twelve . " He said , " I 'll go with you to the ten o ' clock one . " For some reason , he thought it was ten thirty I had said . So here it was ten twenty and it was to late to go to St Clemens and he was still not here . So I called the Presbyterian Church near us and asked what time their service was . They said ten thirty . So Jim got here at twenty - five after ten . I said , " Jim , we cant go to St Clement 's , but we can go to the Presbyterian Church where Amy used to go . " So that 's where we went . I feel like God is in all the Churches . If the people didn 't believe God was in their church , they wouldn 't go . So I am flexible I guess . Sometimes Bill would handle a divorce . I would say to the people , " Do you go to church ? " They a church that you really liked . It might make a difference in your life . And Bill would say to me , after they left , " Now Bert , you know there 's was about 12 years old . At that point I had 9 children . I heard that at Wayne University they were giving a course for people who might have a heart attack and wanted to do things easier . It sounded good to me so I called them up and asked them if I could join it . They said , " By all means . " I went to the class . The one thing I learned there was how to relax . The told me to lay down on the couch and put my feet up on the end and try no to thin of anything , which was difficult . I would lay down when I put the kids to bed for a nap and I would think , " I better go down and put some diapers in the wash , or I 'd better do the dishes , or I 'd better get dinner started . " The instructor said , " Forget about everything . Just stay there for fifteen minutes and don 't think about anything . " So I tried that . I said , " No I 'm not going to get up and wash dishes or do laundry . I 'm just going to stay here . " It was an accomplishment because when I was tired , I could lay down for five minutes , go to sleep , and and I was exhausted . I asked Bill to watch the kids while I slept . I lay down on the couch and put my feet up and went to sleep . Later long you slept ? " I said , " No , don 't know , don 't care . " He said , " I 'm going to tell you anyway . Five minutes ! " He used to say he wished he could go to sleep like me . He used to have trouble going to sleep sometimes . It was nice though , because I would get tired during the day and I would just lay down for five minutes three times . I washed all there clothes and all their bedding . I pinned sheets over their blankets so as not to have to wash that . I tied diapers over their hands so they wouldn 't scratch the ringworm at night and spread it . I washed the railing and the telephone . The kids couldn 't which said , " Don 't help your kids with math because you might confuse them . " Barb came to me and said she didn 't understand fractions . This was you . Why don 't you ask your teacher . " She said , " Mom , I 've asked her . She says to look in the book . I 've looked in the book but I don 't understand it . " I said , " In that case , sit down and Ill teach you about fractions . " I taught her about fractions and she ended up getting a B so I didn 't confuse her . That upset me with that teacher . Mike had a good nun for a for me to look at . Mike is bringing a lot of papers home . " She said , " I 'm sorry , but I 'm so far behind that I haven 't gotten a chance to check to Billy , " You 're not going playing for quite a while now honey , we 're going to work on reading . " I took him back to Phonics . They were teaching him to sight read . I didn 't believe in that so I taught him Phonics . If he heard a story , he was pretty good at remembering it . So when he read a story , it made sense . But one time , with thought about it and I thought , " Barb and Billy don 't have good nuns and none of them are very exceptional . Here I am paying tuition . " I had that . " They had wonderful teachers at this Public school . Dan had a teacher who was so good that I called up the school and said , " Don 't ever let that that good and I couldn 't always understand what the priest was talking about . So I ventured over to St . Ambrose , a smaller church in Grosse Pointe on Altar Road . We went After we moved in and lived there for a while . There was a fire that started in the basement . About two o ' clock in the morning , Pat noticed there was had Bobby . Bill handed Bobby to them and the policeman took him downstairs . Dan was hollering upstairs , " Mother ! Daddy ! Smoke ! " I told them to join hands and I would lead them down . The smoke didn 't bother me and I didn 't need to see - I knew the way out . I lead them out the front door . They were going to take me to the hospital and they wanted to take me to the hospital , I wouldn 't go until all the kids were out . They found Bill had crawled into a closet upstairs . When they told me only send one child there . So I sent Mike first . They accepted Mike . Later on they accepted Bill . Both Bill and Mike graduated from Denby . It was at Denby where Pat went to St . Ambrose and graduated . She went to college at Wayne State University . She got a partial scholarship . Wayne State University was the closest and that 's where Bill had gone . That was also where I had some partial credits . When the kids were in and Kathy went to Wayne medical school . Pat went to Michigan Medical School . Bill really loved his job as a prosecutor . The children would always say that they wish they could love their job as much as their dad did . And Bill used to tell me how he loved his work and that it was a shame to get paid for something he loved to her dad about it first . I would have had her go to Wayne . Her dad said OK , she could go there . He talked to the Dominican Sisters about a partial scholarship for Marge to go to at Belle Isle . It worked out well for them . If they had not joined the Coast Guard , they would have been drafted for the war in Vietnam . Mike called me from New York and told me he wanted to get married week before that , July 27th , because Marge was still in town and she wanted Marge to stand up at her wedding . Barb and Lou met because they worked in the same school . Barb wanted to get married and they got married in my back yard . Bill was in Albuquerque . Bill was in charge of the UPS in Albuquerque . He talked Sally into coming down to Albuquerque . There , Sally met Abe . They Jan was a prosecutor like her dad . Jan graduated from Wayne Law School . Jim was working for Sharrow associates . Doug Sharrow became Jim 's father in Law . They owned a temporary employment service where they would hire people out for different things . They had a daughter named Amy . Jim and Amy fell in love and they got married . Bob went to Eastern Michigan University . He majored in accounting . He stayed with Aunt Helen in Bellevile when he was at Eastern . Bob and Jim both played basketball in high school and college . Bob got a scholarship to Eastern for basketball . Bob married Tammy DeBano . Bob met Tammy at his cousins wedding . His cousin 's name was Ed . Ed was marrying Chris . Tammy was a dear friend of Chris and Tammy stood up for her at her wedding . So they had Bob stand up with Tammy at that wedding . other phone . Pat said , " I think Dad is having a heart attack Mom . Call the doctor . " I wanted all of the children to go to college , even the don 't care if they get married . " I really didn 't care . But I wanted them to have something else to fall back on in case something happened I encouraged Marge to become a judge . I was home the night she was elected judge . I said , " Marge , if God wants you to be a judge , nothing will be in your way . " She had a friend that called her up and said , " Mrs . Johnson , I noticed you don 't have any signs up in our county . Do you have any that I could put up in our county ? " She said yes . So the man came out and said , " Well I 'll store them and then we can put them up in two years again . " Pat wanted to be a vet when she was younger . When she got into twelfth a people doctor . " So she became a pediatrician . Carol she went to Michigan State and became a veterinarian . But I accomplished my goal . I wanted all the girls to go to college . I wanted them to get an education supposed to be a good high school . I have a lot of friends in Centerline . I know that when I need a friend , they are out there . it . " I said , " Is Wally home ? " He said no . I said , " Who are you ? " He said , " I 'm his big brother Andy . " I said , " Well , I 've always liked Wally a lot . I certainly must like his brother . I like his voice . " I said sure . He said , " Do you like concerts ? " I said yes . He asked what concerts I liked . I said , " I have no idea what concerts are around . " He said , " I 'll find out and call you back . You can pick one . So he did that . We went to the concert and he took me out for dinner . We 've been going ever since . I found out he used to square dance . I square dance . So I talked him in to going back to square dancing . We square and people . But I knew he loved me the best of anybody . If I went some place with him , he would remember where the place was . Sometimes I thought he wouldn 't know where the place was but he would turn right into the right place . He was Bill 's leader dog first . Bill though Deacon was dog I 've ever had . Bill got another dog named Sandy . I used Deacon . After Deacon died , I got another dog named Mandy . She was fair , but not as good as Deacon . When I went to get another leader dog , they said , " What kind of dog do you want Bert ? " I said , " I want a dog that weighs about fifty or sixty pounds , and I want a dog like Deacon . " They said , " You 've got to forget about Deacon . You 'll of pets . We had a guinea pig and a cat or two and sometimes two or three dogs . Bill used to say , " The next time the kids come home with a stray animal , let |
We have three tetris ponds in the front of our house . My husband built them a few years ago . We 've had a lot of trouble with them , the fountain worked for a year , then that went on us . The bottom pond had to be replaced twice because it got a mysterious hole in the bottom . We had rocks in between each pond , and a filter system that would allow the water to go around and down into the bottom pond . But you so much as sneezed on that sucker and the ponds would be emptied on the lawn by morning . We even had beautiful gold fish at one point . That turned out to be a bad idea though as well , because the kids got really attached to them , and loved feeding them until it came time for winter and we had to find a new home for them . The kids cried for days that we lost their gold fish . Anyway , so last year we sort of gave up on them , and just let them have water in them . We have to bleech them out all of the time though because otherwise frogs take over . ( we live in the woods ) Well I don 't know if it 's because of the fact that the ground is drier this year and the frogs have no where to go or what , but we are over run with frogs and frog eggs . When I was a kid I used to LOVE walking up and down the road in spring time until I found a perfect batch of eggs and loading them in my bucket and took care of them until they hatched . Well last count the bottom pond has 18 sacks , the middle has 11 and the top has 2 . Our pool has had 4 but I refuse to let them get more then a minute old there , so I have already taken those out ! I brought one huge batch to school this morning for my son Aydens kindergarten class to hatch , and had a few more offers on the way out from other teachers . I 'm kind of hoping I can give them all away rather than having to " get rid " of them . The thing is if we don 't get rid of them we are going to have thousands upon thousands of frogs . As it is now we had to learn how to live with the sound of them . We 've learned alot about frogs , and how they communicate . The different sounds they make to call out to eachothEarlier in the week the husbands Dad went for a small procedure to be done on his heart , but it worked out in the end and they only ended up just looking at everything and not having to repair it . My husband was very worried about him , and even drove him down to the appointment . I knew right away once he volunteered to do that he must of been very worried . He almost never even calls him , he always leaves it up to me to make the calls , and keep the family happy . Have I mentioned before now how grumpy my husband is ? Don 't get me wrong I love that man , lord knows I do . Grumpy ways and all , but sometimes that constant negative demeanor can be very exhausting . For example last night we went to my sons first band concert , and literally for the entire time we were getting ready he was yelling , and bellowing the entire time . By the time we got out the door we were so incredibly stressed out I felt like my blood pressure was through the roof ! ! Another issue I have is , I can never lay on the couch and relax . Even if it 's on a Saturday and I 've worked both of my jobs all week long , one well into the middle of the night , he would have a fit if I were to lay on the couch . Well since he 's been short on jobs , he 's been home all the time now . He only goes to our office when I do . It used to be that Tuesday and Thursdays were devoted to me staying home , catching up on housework and doing my job . Well now he is home during those days and sits on the couch watching Jerry Springer , and Judge Judy all day . I can 't stand it anymore . If I ever even thought about laying on the couch and watching a show he 'd have something to say immediately . I can really see how financial strains puts stress on your marriage . It 's almost impossible to sometimes not get into an argument because the tension is so high . I want to figure a way to work though this , but some of the changes that he has adopted into his personality are really hard on me . I haven 't sat and watched a full tv show in almost 2 years . I 'm angry at myself for ever putting up with thaPosted by Since I have been feeling depressed the last few months , I started taking more pictures . I started to appreciate my surroundings . The realization that I could lose my house at any given moment taught me a very valuable lesson . Enjoy what you have . Relish the small things . Live for the moment . It may sound cliche ' but it works for me . When I stop focusing on all the negatives and look for small , beautiful , positive things , I feel good . I feel free . I feel happy . In the middle of all of that I taught my children , without knowing I was doing it , to look at the beauty surrounding them as well . Out of nowhere they 'll say Mommy get your camera , look how pretty the sky looks , or Mommy take a picture of this ! For the last several weeks , I have taken a picture of the sky , and our house every single day . Sometimes I just start snapping and will go back and look at them later in the day and I am always pleasantly surprised at the outcome . Just one moment , just one fragment of the day frozen . The sky is the most amazing thing when you look at it . The clouds , the colors , the birds flying free . There 's always something to appreciate . " Look at the trees , look at the birds , look at the clouds , look at the stars . . . and if you have eyes you will be able to see that the whole existence is joyful . Everything is simply happy . Trees are happy for no reason ; they are not going to become prime ministers or presidents and they are not going to become rich and they will never have any bank balance . Look at the flowers - for no reason . It is simply unbelievable how happy flowers are . " ~ Osho When I slow down and just relish my surroundings , it 's a great feeling . A peace that over comes you , and makes all the chaos go away for a moment . Though , I would not wish what we have gone through on any other family , there are parts of it , that I have come to appreciate . Because it has taught me to look through the darkness and see what 's good around me . Finding those small things that make me appreciate life in itself . It 's not always easy to just appreciate what you do have , and forget the bad things , or the things you don 't have . That 's very hard to learn , for me anyway . Though I know I should always be grateful for what I have , when you feel threatened , you forget the little things that are good , and surrounding you . Taking pictures has allowed me to appreciate it all . It teaches me to learn to love my life no matter what the circumstance is surrounding it . Anyway , I won 't go on and on here , as I 've already gone for longer then I thought I would . I just mainly wanted to show you some of the pictures . I 'm so proud of them , and so happy for what they represent for me . They represent good in a bad time . They represent my therapy , and my way of lessening the feelings of gloom . It 's been 2 weeks since I 've last posted a blog . My reasoning is because every time I went to write something , it was going to be negative . I woke up from my negative comatose state a few days ago , and feel much better . I 've realized how quickly I let it consume me . The last few weeks have been many lessons learned for me . One for example , letting go . My husband has an " ex " and for the respect of those of you who will read this , I will not say just what I 'd like to call her . But in all honesty , there are many , many words I could say , and they are mean and ugly . The hurt that she has caused me and my family for the last 14 years goes far beyond over done . She is just too much . Too much of everything . She has been a thorn in my side since the day I met my husband . We have been married for 12 years , don 't you think it 's time she get over it ? GET OVER IT WOMAN ! ! ! Anyway , back to when I realized I need to " let go " . I was stressing over and over again because of her , and what she was doing . I was feeling overwhelmed , and angry and I was letting HER consume me . What was I doing that for ? I mean haven 't I learned that the less you pay attention to someone the more annoying it is for them ? The less they get to you the more annoying for them , and the more angry they become ? Well , that wasn 't why I let it go . I let it go because I couldn 't carry it anymore . I let it go because I knew that my husband was going to continue to make the same mistakes when it comes to her , and handling her . I knew that if I didn 't let it go , I was going to lose part of myself in that anger , and that bitterness . So , I let it go . After doing that , I started to feel better with other things as well . I started to just let this huge black cloud hanging over my head go . We are still struggling financially , but there are some projects on the horizon . There is hope that this long dark road is starting to come to an end . My family has been so amazing with support . My mother and sisters took me to dinner for my birthday , and my sister Rose said that they It is all going to be ok because I have the love of a family that will guide me to the light . They will hold my hand through the darkest of days until I have been guided to the light . Thank you God . Tonight I wanted to share a special poem with you . It 's a poem I found several years ago , and had quickly become one of my favorites . When I was thinking about the things that are currently going on in my life today , this poem came to mind . I thought how fitting , and I wondered if there was a reason why it came to mind . I basically interpret it as saying that no matter how tough things get , and how bad things around you seem there is always a place you can go . A moment to turn to to make things feel whole again . To feel better again . Things have escalated so rapidly here because of our financial means , and it has caused many , many things to spin out of control . It 's effecting the husband in a way that I worry he will be passed the point of no return soon . This last year I 've seen major changes in him that make my heart ache . He has a huge amount of pride , and when that is jeopardized I see him go quickly into " survival " mode . It may be ok for him , but what that alone does to me and the children is scary and lonely . The bottom line ? I want my husband back . Anyway , I won 't go further with this right now . I just want to head to bed and start a brand new day tomorrow ! I will leave you now with the poem . Let me know what you think of it ! God Bless ! Turn Your Face To The Sun Beloved , There are days when nothing seems right . When every shell you pick up on the winding shore is broken . When the silken treasure slips through your fingers too quickly . When comforts are empty . And the world is noise . On those jagged edged days , when the wind is screaming for a reason only she understands . And you find yourself all alone . Turn your face to the sun . There is goodness in the world , that even the river of tears cannot erase . There is love in the world , that the numbed armies of fear can not destroy . Sometimes that goodness is everywhere apparent . It pours from the heart of every moment . From the light of every smile . On those soft days , love hides in the eaves to drop like sweet honey on your forehead and sings her lilting lullabies in the arms of the winds . But on some days , Beloved . On days like today . . . . We need to look , to see . So turn your face to the sun . Even when she is nowhere to be seen . Go inside yourself . Find a speck , a splinter of beauty to be grateful for . ' Yes ' , the day has worn you . And ' Yes ' our mistakes have been so many . But say ' Thank you ' anyway . Take account of all that is in your possession . A mind . A heart . A body . A life that breathes , even if for just one more day . Now count the eyes that have smiledat you on your wild journey , the hands that have held you tenderly , the ears that have listened , the prayers that have been made on your behalf . And whisper your ' Thank you ' again . Count the sky that has watched you growwith His painted eyes , The heaving waves that find their echoin the tides of your breathing , The little birds that have sungyou their songs , The stars which have been a lampto your path , and are yourrightful inheritance . Count unexpected laughter , Count undeserved grace , Count Passion and Love making and Dreams yet to be born , And bow your head and say ' thank you ' , Now count the lives who still need your light , The hungry , the sick , the helpless , Count the children who will die todayand imagine if with the breath of your bodyyou could help justone . Turn your face to the sun , And know yoursePosted by It 's only 9am and already I 've had two wrestling matches to break up , an " I hate my Life " statement to deal with , a spilled bowl of mini wheats all over the living room floor , I 've said shhhh let Daddy sleep he just got home from work 67 times , make that 68 , already cleaned two rooms , took down two tents that were ungracefully constructed on the TV , had to go on a search for the dog because when you don 't see her or hear her that means she 's found a treasure in one of the rooms and I will have to go doggy mouth digging gag , had to make 2 pots of coffee because the first went cold before I could take one sip , swept up the coffee grinds after I so gracefully dropped them ( that is one of the most annoying things to me , especially when they get wet and you can 't pick them up LOL ) went through 8 AA batteries in hopes that the toys they were going in would occupy them just a while longer . . . . PHEW I suppose there is more that happened , but I think you get the idea . Here we go again with another reason why I hate the half wall in my bedroom . WHAT was the husband thinking ? ? ? ? Clearly he wasn 't thinking we 'd have any kids . . . Yeah he was thinking that , but when it came time to actually construct that WALL I had little Kevin in the oven already . He must have been envisioning the quietest of life for us . That makes me laugh out loud ! Since he 's been remodeling his brothers pizza shop he works from 830pm to 7am . I have the worst time sleeping when he 's not here because I hear every single solitary sound and jump , or have to look down the first floor stairs 20 times an hour . I 'm not usually afraid , well atleast I thought I wasn 't , but clearly I 'm a big chicken ! It used to help having Montana , and it does help having Coco , even though Coco is only 10 pounds , she barks at the first sound of a car in the driveway so I know I would be warned if anyone ever did come here . Anyway , so the deal is I try to keep the kids quiet so he can sleep . He usually sleeps until 12 noon , then he has to go do the other jobs he has . He can 't possibly My sister in law invited us over to her house for a movie night , and she invited the kids to sleep over . I 'm not sure I feel ok with leaving all 3 of them there though . She 's never had them all at once , and she 's never had them for more then an hour and that was over 2 years ago . She now has a one year old , and I am alittle worried about letting them stay the night . They really want to though , she has a 3D wide screen HUGE tv and the Wii , so my son Kevin is like foaming at the mouth to get his hands on that . LOL So funny how he is with anything electronic . He just loves it . I may just do the movie and snacks and then come home . Although without a car I doubt we can do any of it . I 'm sure the husband is working tonight as well . . . . . AHHHHHHHHHH TGIF ! LOL It 's funny how those four letters have changed for me now that I am a Mother , and Wife . 15 years ago , TGIF meant dancing , drinking , dancing , drinking , laughing over really silly jokes thanks to the drinking part . New outfits once a week , new shoes as soon as the pay check hit the bank account . Top notch make up , hair was always done , perfect highlights , nails done and without a chip , or a smudge . Now a days if I 'm lucky to find the time to paint my nails , I can almost bet there will be atleast 2 fingers smudged , 1 to 3 will have paint on the cuticles . Now don 't get me wrong , I am not complaining . So much about those nights though fun , I do not miss one bit of . I have to say what I remember most about those times , on the fond end is that I had a great group of girl friends . There were endless nights of just pure fun . We were attractive , and always in a cluster . People who knew us always associated us as a pack . We had movie night each week at a different persons house . We 'd always do it on a Wednesday so we could watch Ally Mcbeal . We had nacho cheese Doritos with ranch dip on the side . Wine , and laughter . We shopped together , ate out together . We were inseparable for years . What I hated most about those times ? Being alone . I never had a boyfriend throughout those years . I mean sure I dated , and I had some bad boys I was in a pretend relationship with . I say pretend , because it was definitely not anything substantial . They were bad boys in every sense of the word , treated me horrible , and I chased them like a free bird looking for food . Ridiculous . All of my girlfriends always had a long term serious relationship . Usually with a guy I had first admired . One friend in particular would literally hit on every guy I liked , or even so much as said he was cute . Funny thing about that pack we had , there 's only 3 of us left . The friendships died with the deejayed nights . My new weekend regime , though different , is just as special . I enjoy nothing more than a lazy Saturday morning , with a hot cup of coffee , the kThe Smiling Mommy I am having a Black and White photo week . LOL That sounds funny . We live in a rural area , surrounded by farm area . Many are no longer occupied . I am a sucker for an old barn . I can picture them in all there glory , stock full of horses , children running around the field . I 'm also a sucker for a beautiful sky . Who isn 't ? ! Something about a lot of clouds , and a beautiful deep sky just make me feel better . Perhaps I was an artist in a past life ? Yeah probably not . I would love to go back to school and take a photography class . I 've thought about that a few times , but have yet to look into it fully . It 's really just a hobby , I 'm not very good at it , but the main thing is that it makes me happy , and that 's a good thing . Hobbies should definitely make you happy . I hope you enjoy my little snap shots of the world surrounding me . : ) I took this picture one day when the kids and I were walking home from the bus stop . It is our driveway about half way up . We are surrounded by 16 acres of woods . It was taken on my cell phone . I 'm a fan of landscape pictures , and dramatic black and whites . Photography is something I use as an outlet . There is nothing I like more than finding beauty in a moment you would normally pass by . With pictures you can capture any single moment , and have it forever . It 's profound for me . When things are hard , and I am down , I pick up my camera and look at my world through the lens . It helps me focus on the small things , and those small things , have helped me overcome some really bad days . My children are very good about having a camera in their face most of the time . LOL Especially my daughter . God love her , that child is so patient with her Mamma . I am pretty sure all 3 of my children 's first word was " CHEEEEEESE " . I love that . I love how they could be busy playing , or talking , and just doing their thing , and if Mommy brings the camera around they stop and look and pose ! It 's just the cutest ! I 'm starting to slowly rise out of my depression . I 've been feeling much , much better , and more positive . If anything I was feeling overwhelmed with guilt that I wasn 't being the best mother I could be , by worrying , and being down so much . I don 't want them to feel stress while my husband and I are struggling financially . I want their lives to just go on as normal , carefree , and as it should be for a child . They have helped me to wake up a bit and get out of this . Just seeing them , and hearing about their days , the smiles they give when they see me . For now , I 'm just relishing the small moments . The little bits and pieces of my day that make me smile . It 's helping me out tremendously ! ! ! ! On another note , my kids can be so funny . Sometimes the things that fly out of their mouths leaves me in shock , or complete hysterics ! ! It 's really interesting how they perceive certain situations , and how they are learning to handle themselves as they mature . My daughter , for the most part she is extremely giving , kind just full of love that girl . Every once in a while though , especially when she is over tired she gets a bit moody . She has these big giant dark eyes , and when she rolls them , it looks especially funny because they are normally so dark , so when she gets a rolling them she looks wacky ! She came home yesterday and I was in the kitchen preparing dinner . She said " Ya know Mom , I 'm about done with these boys in school , I mean what is wrong with them " . I chuckled and asked her what had happened " Well nothing in particular they are just kind of stinky , and they think things like boogers and eating them is funny " Her words exactly ! I said " Well actually , it is probably going to get worse as you get older , they can do some pretty gross things from what I remember when I was in school " She looked at me with this look of shear horror ! " What ? What do you mean it 's going to get worse ? Mom ! Do you mean they never start smelling better ? " I about lost it after that ! ! ! LOL My daughter and the stinky boys ! ! LOL Gotta love the honesWishing everyone a beautiful , blessed day today ! ! ! May you see beauty in all the small moments as you go through you day . I wanted to take a moment to write about a pet of mine , a beautiful golden retriever that graced my life for 13 awesome years . Since she grew her wings and flew to heaven , I have honestly lost a little peice of my heart . I 've been so sad about it , I 've not been able to talk about it . I cry instantly . However , today I was thinking of some things I wanted to blog about , and she was the first thing that came to my mind . She deserves a moment of Glory . She was an angel on earth , and I really want to talk about her . If anything else , to help me put it out there , and try to find some closure . I bet you 're thinking what kind of nut is this woman ! I am definitely a sad sap when it comes to my pets . They are just as much my family as my children . It 's a fact . I remember the day I first saw her , like it was yesterday . When I first moved in with my husband , then boyfriend , we were living in a small place , that I just loved . The property surrounding the house was unreal . We would take the 4 wheeler down to this river , and spend hours there fishing , or have a bonfire , it was amazing . We had been living together for around 6 months , it was fathers day . He came home from work , so I thought , and had picked up his two sons from his first marriage , who were staying for the weekend . He came in and asked me to go get his shirt from his truck . Oh my god , I laugh now at the thought , but I was like , are you ill ? Go get it yourself fool ! LMAO ! ! Seriously though , he knew he could have asked me to walk a mile to get his coat and the sucker for him I was ( and still am ) would have . So out I went , rolling my eyes , smack talking all the way . Jerk can 't go get his own damn coat ? Probably left it in there on purpose just to see if I 'd fetch it ! sheesh ! ! ! I open up the front of the cab , and went to grab the coat , and all of a sudden two little brown eyes , and a furry head pop out from the middle of his coat ! ! There she was , tiny , and fluffy , and sweet as can be . Oh my god , I was madly , MADLY in love the moment I saw her . She was precious in everEveryone that came in contact with Montana would ask me where we trained her , and how we got her to be so well behaved . We would always chuckle and say none , this is just her . That was the truth . She was mellow , and sweet , gentle and just plain precious . She never wore a collar or a leash , except to go to the vet or the groomer , and even there when they got to know her , as soon as I walked her in the door her leash came off and she had free reign . The day I had to put her down , she followed behind me right passed five other dogs nipping and barking , and walked right into the room . I wish she hadn 't , I wish she had turned and run away . I wish with all of my heart that she was sitting here next to me instead of me telling this story . In all honesty , there is nothing bad that I could say , I could tell you hours and hours of stories , of companionship and loyalty . I just don 't have it in me . This point so far has taken more out of me than I really should honestly admit . To be honest , I feel a little silly sometimes because of how profound my love for her is . Her death was as horrible as any other family member . I don 't know why I can 't grieve and move on . I seem to just keep holding on to the sadness , and the fact that she won 't be coming back . I should learn from my children and their resilience . Though they have also greived , and had some days still of tears and sadness , it 's amazing to me how they are able to come to terms with it , and my oldest even being happy for her in heaven . I 'm so proud of my children , I really am . A year ago , I had been speaking to a friend of mine who suggested we bring another dog into the family before we lose Montana , as she had done so and it helped her family profoundly after their dog died . We welcomed Ms . Coco Pebbles on December 11 , 2010 . She is a toy pekegnese , and an absolute joy . I 've never had a " lap " dog before , and it 's been so fun . She is a fantastic cuddle bug ! She and I hang on the couch every evening watching tv , all snuggled up . I 'm very thankful we had her after Montana grew her wings . She did help us so much . Though , things just never seem quite " right " without my pretty girl . I think that for me , the best part about Montana was her undying love , and friendship she gave me . She was my best friend , and loved me no matter what . Funny thing about pets , their love is always steadfast and unconditional . If only humanity could learn a lesson from them . Forgive me for the length of this post , and I wouldn 't blame anyone for not having made it this far . I really needed to do this though . I needed to put her out there , give her a shining moment . She is and always was alittle bit of my heart , and I feel blessed beyond measure to have had her in my life for the time that I did . These are two of the more recent pictures of her . She was so beautiful . The bottom pic is where she would be every night at dinner . I sat in the seat right next to her . She knew who would give in and get her the goods ! LOL These are two of my favorite pictures of Coco . She is such a little sweetpea . I was also quite lucky in the behavior department with her . She has had no formal training , but is an absolute joy . She has MANY fans . My mother and sister are both in love and have said they are going to take her one day . LOL She really is very special . I have a feeling God hand selected her , because of her lovable personality , because he knew how my heart would need a helping hand after losing Montana . : ) Yes , I know I 'm a complete SAP ! LOL I can 't help myself ! I 'm sure I would have a house full of pets if I was able . . . . . . . And so my friends , that is my story with the sad ending . I know that Montana is in good hands in heaven , and waiting for me in the beautiful pasture passed the rainbow bridge . With that I will leave you with a poem I recieved after her death , and though sad , it was one thing that gave me a wonderful feeling picturing her in the pasture beyond . God Bless ! Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge . When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here , that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge . There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together . There is plenty of food , water and sunshine , and our friends are warm and comfortable . All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor ; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again , just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by . The animals are happy and content , except for one small thing ; they each miss someone very special to them , who had to be left behind . They all run and play together , but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance . His bright eyes are intent ; His eager body quivers . Suddenly he begins to run from the group , flying over the green grass , his legs carrying him faster and faster . You have been spotted , and when you and your special friend finally meet , you cling together in joyous reunion , never to be parted again . The happy kisses rain upon your face ; your hands again caress the beloved head , and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet , so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart . Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together . . . . Author unknown . . . Posted by Well , it 's time I admit how much of a downer I 've been . Really , really awful . I feel just terrible about it , and I know that I have put so much stress on my family . My poor Mother who is my faithful blog reader , has shed far too many tears on her computer keys on my behalf . One thing for sure , she is my main stay , my light in the dark , without her and my 2 sisters , I would be in complete darkness . My mother , as I 've told you before , is one of the most unreal women I have ever known . Not just because she 's my mother , because she has proven without a shadow of a doubt , that she will survive . She lost her husband in her 40 's , nursed and cared for her prince with nothing short of awesome . She lived on after him , even with a broken heart , and raised her 3 daughters completely . She is steadfast , and amazing . I 've already told you about her breast cancer , but again , I remind myself , she fought for her life , and had not one shadow of doubt . I can 't help but use that as a way out of the dark . Like wake up woman ! ! Yes , I know it 's always darker for someone else . It could always be worse . I have to keep that in mind , I do . But more importantly , I just have to learn to get up , and live with our circumstance no matter what the day faces . I am a mother , and it 's time I stop living on what if 's , and being afraid . Sure , it 's easier said than done . I have a lot to learn in this department , but I am trying . Here is a list of things I am grateful for right now ; I still have my home . Regardless of how many times we are threatened , we make that mortgage payment , and this home , this beautiful home , is still mine . Maybe only for one more month , but I can 't focus on that . Today it 's mine . My 3 beautiful , god given , amazing children . Oh my goodness , how blessed I am ! ! My son Ayden is sick , the little foofman , has not been feeling well . He was up all night coughing , and shaking and what is the first thing he did this morning ? He came rushing out of his room , proclaiming he had a huge secret to tell me ! ! Rushing as fast as he could , and came to my ear , and gave me a kiss . A kiss ! ! That was my secret . Now that is a good way to start the day . My son Kevin , was just given a part in a music ensemble , that he auditioned for , and won ! He was so proud bringing me the news . My daughter Annelyse , is sweet , and happy and cares for others before herself . I am the lucky one , because I get to say they are mine . My mother and sisters , would come for me and pick me up no matter what the circumstance . They have proven over and over again , that they have got my back . I mean they got my back ! ! No matter what the phone call , no matter how many times I call crying , no matter how many things I have to say , they got it . That is profound . My husband . We have had many ups and downs . Yes , we have . I 'll be the first to admit , we are the complete opposites . But I will say this , with not a shudder or a fear , that man will work his hands to the bone until he brings money into this house . He will provide for us , and protect us , with his two hands no matter what . He may be rough around the edges , and he may appear to be tough , but he loves me wholly and completely . He is my warrior , and he is my love . I have many , many more , and isn 't that the exciting part ? I could keep going . I could type more things I am thankful for . That is what I am focusing on today . Sure , tomorrow may not be so bright , but right now , in this moment , it is . I have food , warmth , shelter , good health and love . That is all I need today . One thing , I think it is so important to remember as parents , is to stop rushing . Stop focusing on our better futures . Just once in a while , so we can focus on this moment . This single solitary moment right here . God Bless ! What a gray , gloomy day it is ! The 3 monsters woke up extra early this morning ! The husband has been working over nights at his brothers pizza restaurant , as they are remodeling . So he goes in from 9pm to 6am , then gets a few hours of sleep . We live in a log cabin , and my husband had this amazing idea ( note sarcasm ) to make the upstairs , which is also where our bedroom is , all open . So there is a half wall separating my room , from the house . I don 't even have to tell you the uncomfortable situations that can make do I ? LOL Didn 't think so ! The other down side to it , is that when one wants to nap during the day , you pretty much have to put plugs in your ears , as well as two pillows on top of your head so you can block some of the noise out . They have finally quieted down now , but it took a few hours ! They have been playing with these guns they constructed out of blocks for days . Ayd has a problem holding his , because he makes them so long , they just keep falling apart . After the forty fifth or so loud crash to the floor , and his fond exclamations , I finally convinced him to make a much smaller gun ! ! Phew ! So hopefully the husband is able to get some rest . Or else , I 'll have 4 cranky pants running about the house soon ! Last night was a bit of a bad night for us . The husband has also been doing some work for a beautiful farm down the road from us . They have beautiful horses , and ponies , and a few other animals that you get to feed . The kids LOVE it when he takes them there . Last evening he was supposed to go down and do some finish work for a floor he poured , but the man called and said that one of the horses was in labor so he couldn 't go . The husband asked if there was any chance the kids could come and see the horse and her baby , and they happily said yes ! We were all so excited , I could hardly contain myself . However , when we pulled up I saw the vet van parked out front , and told the husband he better go check first , because I had a bad feeling . Thank GOD for mothers intuition , because it was not a good outcome . Wishing you all a happy Saturday ! ! ! This post I think will be my get all the things off my chest that have been consuming me post . I 'd like to paint a picture of a life that is easy , and wonderful , and the ever smiling Mommy . But we all know if I did that I would be lying . The economy has effected me and my family very badly over the last 2 years . It has progressively gotten worse , and lead us to the point we are at now . We are at rock bottom . The money is gone , literally gone . We 've lived the last month off of 462 dollars worth of change we rolled , as well as food given to me by my mom and 2 sisters . If I didn 't have my family 's support , we would be starving . The scary part is I am not exaggerating even in the tiniest amount . I wish I were . The thing that has been challenging alot for me lately is my faith . I believe that God has a plan for me , and my children , and even my husband , who I don 't think always " believes " . The problem for me is that I look at my children , and I realize how profound it is , if we don 't find a way to start getting a good income , and I become terrified . That fear effects my faith . I know it shouldn 't , I really do . I 'm just being honest . All out honest . I have given many of my troubles to God , and asked for him to lead me . There have been times where he has . He has lead me out to the light . The last few months however , have been very dark . My main issue , and the reason I am so depressed is because I am simply terrified . Terrified that we will lose my beautiful home , of which I am so in love with , and so proud of . That my husband will be broken from all the pain he has endured , and for constantly feeling like a failure . I don 't even know where to go from here . I take it day by day , hour by hour , but some of those hours , and minutes are freaking nightmares . We are driving one car , which we just paid off , and I 'm so grateful for that . However , it has bad brakes , and uses a ton of gas . Most of the change we used over the last month went to gas for that car . My husband and I own a construction company . He literally works 16 to 2I want to just wake up one morning , and not have any worries over me . I want to sleep soundly one night without one startled wake up in complete panic , covered in sweat . I want to go one full day without crying my eyes out because I 'm completely terrified of my future . The worst part of all of this , is I do not have a clue how we will get to tomorrow , and the day after that and so on . When you have reached the bottom , they say there is only one way to go and that is up , but whoever said that , was wrong . When you are at the bottom , you need money to start going up , and we don 't have that . The change is gone , the credit cards are gone , the cash is all gone . It 's all gone . Now is when things will get turned off , the house will be foreclosed , the food will slowly go . That is my fear , and right now my fears are my bitter reality . I read the news about all of these people picketing on wall street , about who 's the 1 percent . What good is that doing ? I 'm still unable to get health care for my family without having to pay nearly 2000 a month . I 'm still unable to take my children to the dentist without having to pay 200 dollars a visit . Who cares who the 1 percent is right now , if all this talk and marching isn 't doing a damn bit of good for the average person ? What good is being done by all of this ? I 'm not seeing it . Call me blind , call me ignorant , call me whatever you want , but I don 't see anything at all happening to help the average living working person trying to dig themselves out of the huge hole this bad economy helped us dig . Now don 't get me wrong , I 'm not blaming anyone for my misfortune . I realize we got here because of a lot of misfortunate events . I 'm simply stating , that there is no need in my opinion to balk and carry on , when no one is listening , or doing anything about it . All I want , is for my life to start being important . For me to feel like a good mother in front of my children . For me to make our lives comfortable . We don 't need diamonds , and fast cars , we just need food , health care , and a roof ovI 'm glad I got to put this all out there today . I needed to verbalize it . I needed to admit my fears out loud . If nothing else , it helps me feel better for just this moment . It feels good to put all of my flaws , and misgivings on the table . I would like to end with a few of my favorite quotes that I say to myself repeatedly . I 'd like to share them , in hopes that they will offer hope , and solace to someone else who may also be where I am right now . God Bless ! Finish each day and be done with it . You have done what you could . Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in ; forget them as soon as you can . Tomorrow is a new day ; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense . - Ralph Waldo Emerson All of us are born for a reason , but all of us don 't discover why . Success in life has nothing to do with what you gain in life or accomplish for yourself . It 's what you do for others . - Danny Thomas I 'm a mother , and wife , with a wild and crazy life ! Each day brings a new story , this is where I tell them . " I love people . I love my family , my children . . . but inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that 's where you renew your springs that never dry up . " ~ Pearl S . Buck |
Creature story of a small town , desperate to stop meth abuse among its youth , that turns to some local witches for help . Be careful what you wish for ! Written by Kevin E Lake " Hi Susan , " the old man said , tipping his top hat to the young lady in her early twenties passing him on the sidewalk . She walked by as if he wasn 't there , sniffling as if pestered by an unseen allergen , truth being , her sniffles a sign of her addiction . Her face was pale , boney and gaunt , her eyes sunken . Her once flowing , long blond hair was now a rat 's nest . What had been the homecoming queen of her senior class five years before was now zombie like ; the walking dead . " Oh God , Susan . Not you too , " he said , turning to watch her pass , taking the handkerchief from his hip pocket . He wiped the sweat from his brow , brought about by the humid July evening . The girl continued down the sidewalk , completely unaware of her surroundings . He doubted she knew the time of day , the day of the week or what world she was in . He knew she had two babies , three years and one year old , somewhere . Was anyone with them ? " No problem , Dan . I 'm ninety one years old and this is Mettsville . It 's not like I had other , pressing issues to attend to . The only things I attend much at all anymore are friend 's funerals . " He took off his top hat , placing it on his lap as he sat on the other side of the mayor 's desk . Though quite hot here in southern Kentucky during the summer months , he wore his hat any time he went out . It was a custom he had gotten used to when he was a young man in simpler times . " So what can I do ya for ? " " Look , " the mayor said , spreading his arms body width , jazz hands . " We 've lost two more small businesses . People are tired of the break - ins . They can 't afford the losses . " " More business break - ins ? " Bob said , eyes wide . " I thought the trash was pretty much sticking to robbing us old people on medication these days ; digging through trash cans for prescription bottles so they 'd know who to hit . " " Oh , there 's still plenty of that , " Dan said , putting his hands on his knees , his head down . " It 's gotten so out of control . No one is safe . The worst part is what this crap is doing to our young people here in Mettsville . Hell , they call us ' Methville ' in most places in this part of the state . " The mayor stood up and walked to a shelf behind his old friend . Bob turned to look as Dan took a picture of the graduating class from Mettsville High School twenty years before . Dan 's son had graduated third in the class . " Yeah , " Bob said , a smile tugging at his mouth . " Bill and Karen 's kid . I saw his last movie . Have you seen that singer he married ? " " This is the graduating class from five years ago , " he said , turning it so Bob could see it . " There are only sixty kids in this picture . The town 's population has suffered so much because of the economy . We can directly attribute the economy 's decline to this drug problem . " " Yeah , I 've been here most of my life , " Bob said . " We 've had tough times before but we 've always made it through . This mess . This pill problem and meth nonsense ; it 's killed us . " " Out of these sixty kids , " Dan said , turning the picture back around , " I can only pick out three that I know have finished college . Twice as many as that are already dead . Twice that amount are in jail . " " I just saw Susan here on the street on my way down , " he said . " I 've known this girl her whole life . She grew up right across the street from me . She always won all the beauty pageants in the county . She 's a druggie now ; moved back in with her folks a year or so ago . " " Worse than that , " Dan said , turning to look up at his friend . " For twenty five dollars she 'll rent you her body for any purpose you desire . All so she can get her next fix . " " You are kidding me ! " Bob said , disgusted . He walked back to his seat . He sat silently , as did Dan for several minutes , both men deep in thought . " It 's the only avenue we have left , Bob . Even my police force will do nothing . The handful of doctors left in the county , the very ones handing out these pain pills have paid the cops off to look the other way . " " It 's the only remaining auto dealership that 's bringing the rest of the garbage in from all across the eastern seaboard . Hell , it doesn 't take a genius to see that every morning they take out the exact same cars they trucked in the day before . They haven 't taken a car off a carrier in a year . All they do is change the tires . That 's where they 're hiding the drugs . They take their meth and pills and other garbage out before sending the truck back for another load . I can 't even begin to tell you how many meth labs are within a five minute walk of where we are sitting ! The state troopers took dogs into the high school last month to sniff lockers and had nine lockers turn up positive just from the scent of the labs on the kid 's backpacks and jackets ! That 's the home life so many of them go home to every day . " " You remember what happened the last time we went to my grandmother and great aunts for help , Dan . " Bob looked up with his eyes only , his head still down . It was an ominous look that matched the tone of his voice . " Oh , they didn 't cause the dam to break ! That 's crazy . " Dan said , referring to the former earthen dam that blocked the river ten miles above the small , secluded , Appalachian town , providing its water shed . " It wasn 't a strong structure . It had rained so much that spring , hence the success of the marijuana farmers . The dam simply wasn 't constructed to hold that much water . It was old and should have been replaced a generation before anyway . It was all merely a coincidence . " " It was no coincidence , " Bob said , his head now rising , his voice lowering . " They have a sick , twisted sense of humor . You always have to be careful what you ask for with them because you 'll ALWAYS get it . It 's been twenty years since that flood . People are still reeling from loses . " " Minus the deaths , " Dan said , his right hand waving in the air as if he were trying to erase Bob 's thoughts . " Look at the good it did . The marijuana crops were destroyed . The governor declared a state of emergency . We even got federal money for it . We got new buildings , new streets and sidewalks ; even two new schools . Not to mention a new , state of the art dam . People had jobs due to the reconstruction . Hell , if I remember , you got a couple ' pity business contracts ' from the state that made you an even richer man by the time you retired . " " Yes , " Dan said . " Besides , no one will know we 've gone . They are just the subject of an old , local wives tale anyway . " " Of course I do , " Bob said . " I 'm ninety one years old . I rise with the sun to make sure it 's not the bright light at the end of some tunnel . " " You know this old woman isn 't really my grandmother , don 't you ? " Bob said , riding shotgun in Dan 's old four wheel drive Ford . It was the ' beater ' he used for such purposes ; driving into rough , secluded sections of the surrounding Appalachian forest , be it to hunt , fish or camp with the grandkids . They were certainly traveling to a secluded part of the forest today , but not for recreation . " Her sisters are not my great aunts . " " Common sense would lead you that that fact , " Dan said just before taking a sip from his coffee , fresh and hot from the seven eleven . " I always just assumed they were family friends who took care of you when your parents died . There is no way they could be two generations ahead of you . That would make them a hundred and fifty years old . They are not a hundred and fifty years old . " " Why don 't you watch where you 're going ? " Bob said , still looking straight ahead through the windshield . " These old bones have grown soft . " " My mental health or lack thereof has nothing to do with their age . The old hags are at least three hundred and fifty years old . Hell , they might be older . " " Listen , " Bob said as the truck left the graveled county road for a dirt path heading up a steep hill . The road was barely more than a deer trail . Dan locked in the truck 's four wheel drive as he began the accent . " They are of no relation to me whatsoever , and trust me they are no friends of anyone . " " What ? " Dan said , maneuvering the old truck through the trail , unnecessarily ducking his head as limbs scratched the top of the cab . " What story ? " " My father drank too much . My mother came to the old women pleading for help . She had heard about them from someone who claimed they had cured her husband of the same malady a generation before . I suppose they were the subject of an old wives tale back then as well . They were old then too by the way . " " Witches , more like it , " Bob said , grabbing the ' Oh my God ' handle above the inside of the truck 's window , supporting himself as the truck bounced on the rocks on the bottom of the stream . " Listen for their New England accents when we talk to them . I believe they fled south during the witch trials . " " She was at her wit 's end . She heard they could help . They told her that they would make sure my father never drank again . The condition was that if anything ever happened to both her and my father that they could have me as their own . " " It isn 't that simple , Dan , " Bob said , his eyes glazing over with memory . " A few days after the country went dry , my father heard about the speakeasies that were popping up everywhere . He found out where one was and stormed off one night for a drink . My mother chased after him . They got in the door of the place just before the Feds . " " Shots rang out . My parents were killed . They were in the wrong place at the wrong time . Oh , and in violation of federal law so nothing was ever done about their deaths . " " I 've never told anyone , " Bob said . " I mean the truth about the old women that is . Everyone knew they raised me , but like you , everyone just assumed they were friends of the family . I just let people think that . " " Look at that , " Bob said , pointing through the windshield . A hen turkey and six half grown chicks were making their way across the trail ahead of them . " I stayed gone a lot . The older I got the more I was gone . I ran away from home at sixteen . I lied to the government about my age and joined the army . War had already broken out again in Europe . I guess our rich Uncle Sam knew it was just a matter of time before we 'd get involved . They didn 't mind taking me and many others who were nothing more than boys who just started shaving . They were thankful they did a few years later when we joined in on the war . I thought for sure I 'd end up in France , " his eyes glazed with memory . " But I ended up in the south Pacific . " " I was grown , " Bob said , voice confident . " I had some money in my pocket . Besides , the government started the G . I . Bill . You could either go to college or be given land . I took the land and started my coal mine . " " I went to them when I wasn 't making a dime . I was thinking about selling out . I was so far in debt I would have never amounted to anything . I asked them to fix my business . They did . But they did it their way . " " We were digging and digging and only hitting small veins , " he said , shaking his head , still in his hand . " We were extracting coal , but at a loss . I went to them and asked if they 'd allow us to hit a mother load . " " And when the mine caved in , killing all the men , it left literally half the mountain exposed . That half just happened to be nothing but coal just below the ground 's surface . That single deposit made me a millionaire over the next two months ! And that 's 1950s money ! A million dollars was a lot more back then than it is now . The collapse opened a world of wealth to me but claimed the lives of the best men I 'd been in company with since the war . " A moment of silence passed . Bob looked to his friend . Dan still faced forward , not as much focusing on the road as allowing the story sink in . " It 's why I sold the mines , Dan . I know every dollar I ever made after that was nothing more than blood money . I was not going to pass that evil on to my son . " The truck slowed at the bottom of the hollow . One last ascent remained ; half a mile straight to the top . The three sisters lived on the next flat , just out of sight . The men stared ahead of them , up the hill . All the trees from this point on where not only dead but appeared as if they had been destroyed by fire . However , there had not been a forest fire on this mountain in recorded history . A deer 's skull hung from a tree limb in the middle of the trail ; one antler with six tines , the other missing . Dark clouds covered the sun on what had otherwise been a beautiful summer morning . Though it had begun to be another hot , muggy July day , the temperature seemed to have dropped by more than ten degrees since leaving town . Bob knew there was more to attribute to this fact than the shade of the forest . " We have to do something , " Dan said , now turning to face Bob . " I have grandkids at Mettsville High . I want them to know the town we knew , not the one it is . " " They won 't hurt us here , " Bob said . " They don 't want the attention . But like I told you last night , we need to be prepared to accept responsibility for anything that happens . " Both men stared straight ahead , the deer skull swaying in a light breeze . The breeze brought with it the stench of death . Perhaps rotting animal corpses close by . Perhaps something else . " We knew he would , " said another , equally ugly woman beside her . They sat at a small table in the center of a stone house , hand built only God knows when . The cabin was sparse , containing only the table with three chairs , a large mattress on one side of the twelve feet by twelve feet room , with a small shelf with assorted knick knacks beside it , and a large fireplace on the other . The fireplace contained a grill and a kettle . It kept the house warm and allowed the women to prepare their meals . A back up coal stove sat against a third wall , its vent pipe installed to join the fireplace 's chimney halfway up . " To what do we owe the honor , boy ? " the old lady said , approaching Bob . She was petite , five feet tall and ninety pounds at most . She was slightly bent over , though not as bad as her blind sister . Dan could indeed hear the lazy " r " at the end of the word " honor ; " evidence of her New England heritage . " Ah ha ha ha ha , " she laughed , throwing her head back . It was the closest thing to a real witch 's cackle Dan had ever heard . Bob caught Dan shuddering out of the corner of his eye , chills running down the mayor 's spine . " Drugs ? " said the blind lady , stepping forward as if she could see . Dan 's eyes grew wide , thoughts in his head telling him she COULD see , just in different ways than he . As if she needed not her eyes . " What kind of drugs ? " " It 's like white powder , " Dan said , feeling a bit more comfortable . " People snort it up their noses . They melt it down and inject it into their veins . Some of them smoke it . " " Anything ! " Dan said without thinking . The three women looked at each other , cackling in unison at the man 's naivety . Bob threw him an angry look . Dan shrugged his shoulders as if to say , ' sorry . ' " We want the entire town 's coal ! " the blind woman said . " Every house on every street ! Get their coal and bring it to us ! We gave that to you boy ! " she said , now facing Bob 's direction . " We didn 't give it to you to sell out to another man for his business ! We want it back ! " The other two women turned to go as well . They walked into their small home and shut the door . Bob and Dan heard the latch lock then all three women cackle again . They exchanged a quick look then got back in the truck . Over the course of the next week , the town 's city council members went about the community , door to door , explaining that a recent acidity reading of the local streams deemed the coal being burned in the area over the past few years too dangerous for the environment . It was a story no one questioned , Bob himself being the lead spokesman . The citizens were told they must surrender their coal to the government but that they would be reimbursed . Bob had worked out a deal with the local mine 's owner , the man to which he had sold the mine years before . The man was to keep his mouth shut ; no questions , no comments . In return , Bob himself would stroke a check , buying everyone who gave up any coal an entire winter 's worth by October . Being a coal town , it was considered sacrilege for anyone to heat with wood . Whatever stove or furnace fuel was left anywhere from the previous winter would certainly be coal . " It 's the middle of July anyway , " Dan said to Bob , the two of them making their way back up the mountain to Bob 's adolescent home . " Besides , most of the folks had less than a week 's worth anyway . They were all too happy to give this up , knowing they 'd get a full winter 's stock for free . " " I 'm not worried about that , " Bob said , rolling his window down , this day being particularly hot and muggy . He swatted a deer fly that had been stalking him from the other side of the glass as it made its way into the cab . " I don 't trust them . I don 't know what they are up to . " Upon reaching the bottom of the last descent , the dead , burnt - like tree line , they noticed something slightly different . Hanging from the deer 's skull , attached to the lone antler , was a piece of paper flapping in the wind . It was tied to the antler with a bit of twine ; brown , the old kind rarely seen in modern times . Dan put the truck in park and got out to investigate . " Then let 's do as they say , " Bob said , getting out of the truck to instruct the men behind him . Dan turned the truck slightly , waving a couple of younger men who had ridden as passengers in the other trucks forward . At his age , he had quit shoveling coal many years before . " KAW ! " came the call of a crow . They looked up and saw three large black birds in the tree above them , one with snow white eyes . The large one in the middle let loose a sizable wad of white and black muck from its posterior . It splattered across the center of the truck 's windshield . " Now you see why I 've never been able to stand to listen to people crying about their childhoods , " Bob said , pulling his door shut . The truck , now lighter by the lack of a load , drove off the hill quicker than Bob , bouncing violently , preferred . He held on to the " Oh My God " handle for dear life and said nothing . Bob lost a night 's sleep , his mind racing through the possibilities of what would befall the small town of Mettsville . The morning light coming through the window gave him reason to rise . Opening the curtain he was happy to see the sun peaking above the hills as opposed to some long , endless tunnel . " I 've cheated death yet again , " he said , making his way to the kitchen for coffee . Coffee brewed , he walked to his front porch to drink it . Stepping outside his bare foot retracted quickly upon touching the cold porch , normally warm this time of year in spite of the hour . Returning a moment later with slippers and a light shawl from the back of his couch , he sat and watched as the paper boy made his rounds , tossing a dying form of media from his Trek mountain bike , house to house . Something was different about the boy this morning . Normally garbed in shorts and a t - shirt , he was wearing pants and a light jacket . A glance at the porch 's thermometer revealed a temperature of fifty five degrees , fifteen degrees cooler than every morning for the past six weeks . " No , " he said , leaning forward , peering around the room . No one else in the small greasy spoon was within ear shot . " You still have a daughter here ; grandkids . You need to get them out of town for a while . " " Dinner , " Bob said . " We 'll have dinner at my place . Just tell them that I 've been thinking a lot about death lately , something like that . They 'll believe it . Most people think I should have been dead long ago anyway . Hell , I love my boy but I know he 's been waiting around on it for a while so they can retire and live off of his inheritance . " " Dinner with friends , " Bob said , walking over to shake Tim 's hand . " How have you been Timmy ? I haven 't seen you in weeks . " Dinner prepared , they took to the table . Bob had moved the thermometer from the front porch earlier in the day , placing it just outside the dining room window so he could see it from his vantage point . It now read forty five degrees . Everyone enjoyed dinner , talking of recent events in the community , Tim 's job and Emma 's post high school plans . No one noticed the two hours that slipped by , engrossed in food and conversation . Nor did they notice the temperature dropping outside , now down to thirty eight , with an hour of summer daylight left . " What was that ? " Erica said , hearing a bang . Everyone stopped to listen , just as hot air began blowing out of the vents at their feet . " It 's Friday , " Bob said , rising . " No work for you tomorrow , Tim . What do you say we all go down to my bunker . The men can have some drinks and the girls can watch some movies on the big screen . " " Oh yes , young lady , " Bob said , a chuckle following his words . " You are way too young to remember , but your parents , grandfather and I lived through something called the ' Cold War . ' A lot of us went a little overboard and made fortresses out of our basements and cellars . " " It 's gonna get worse , " Bob said . " It makes since to me now why they wanted the coal . I 'm afraid this is going to be a long night for Mettsville . " " I 'll be back with more beer , " Bob said , addressing Tim , who by now didn 't need any more beer . The men had finished off a twelve pack and half a bottle of scotch chased with coke while the girls had watched their movie . " Why don 't you come with me , Dan ? " Both men stopped in their tracks when they looked out the kitchen window . It wasn 't the thermometer that stopped them , they hadn 't seen it yet . It was the nearly two feet of snow that covered the ground , more blowing frantically in the chill wind . " To hell with our agreement . You can 't have a town anyway without people . People are going to die tonight ! This is only going to get worse ! " " Get on the phone ! Call the council members ! Get the trucks and go back for the coal . I 'll call Richland at the mines , see what he can do . " " Got it , " Dan said , pulling out his cell . Bob made his way to his land line on the kitchen counter . Having already been retired and his wife dead for years when it came , the advent of cell phones was something he had felt he didn 't need to participate in and had chosen not to . " Fire ! " the young man riding shot gun said as they rounded the turn . The entire pile of coal was on fire , the forest ablaze . The fire 's reflection from the falling snow made it look like hell was raining down on earth . The truck behind him had been too close . It could not stop in time as Dan 's truck left the path . It rear ended it , pushing it further into the woods , getting stuck in the deep snow itself . " Where 's Dad ? " Timmy said , staggering up stairs with a half empty bottle of beer . Bob had given him another six pack before starting his call session . " Gang way ! " Tim yelled downstairs before tossing an antique rocker down the stair case . It shattered on the way down . " Makes less work , " he said to Bob , shrugging . " What are you looking at ? " Tim asked a couple minutes later , seeing Bob staring out the window , across the street . He pulled up beside him and looked as well . " Oh my God ! " " No , " Bob said . " This is all my fault . I 'll go . Whatever you do , don 't come outside . " He grabbed his top hat from the rack by the door and went outside , the snow now four feet deep . " What do you mean , this is all your fault ? " Tim yelled as the door slammed , snow coming in , dancing around his feet before coming to a halt . The house was so cold it did not melt . Tim grabbed a picture off the wall , wooden frame , and tossed it down the stairs . " Come to me , " Bob said , to the three year old boy , lips blue , playing in the snow on the porch . The child was too cold to move . His little sister was lying on the porch , shivering . Both of them only wore diapers . Bob grabbed them both , one arm each , and began wading through the snow , waist deep , back to his house . " Take them ! " he said , handing them off to Tim . He had kept watch while breaking Bob 's lifetime collection of furniture , framed memories , antiques , anything wooden . " I 'm going back for their mother . " " Oh my God , " Bob said , the sight of Susan 's parents huddled , frozen to death on their couch . " Susan ! " he yelled through cupped hands . " Susan ! " He quickly made his way upstairs . He opened the door to the first bedroom on the right . Susan , high as a kite , was sitting on the floor , huddling in a thick comforter , a crack pipe lying beside her on the floor . The room was freezing , revealing to him his breath when he exhaled , yet it still reeked of the stench of the rat poison he and Dan were trying to rid the community of . " Huh ? " she said , nothing more than a groan . She looked at him , or rather through him . He could tell she had no clue where she was , what was happening around her . Slowly , he was able to guide Susan to her feet . She fell once , before they reached the bedroom door , but was able to stand again . He focused on keeping the comforter wrapped around her . It was almost white out . And black out . The street lights were no longer on . The ice , too heavy now , had snapped the lines . Bob and Susan stepped off the porch , now up to his chest and began the arduous task of walking the next twenty yards to safety . " We 're not sure , " she said . " They are being taken by helicopter to the hospital on the other side of the county . The roads are still impassable except for the military vehicles we came in on with the National Guard and other emergency personal . I 'm told there was one man , two women , a teenage girl and two babies . " " Witches of Methville " is only one of twelve stories in my anthology of horror / paranormal stories titled , " A Demon 's Dozen . " I have also authored Amazon 's # 1 ghost novel based on customer satisfaction , " From the Graves of Babes " and the thriller " Serial Street . " All of my books are available in print or Kindle from Amazon . Kindle versions are only $ 2 . 99 . As a disabled Iraq War vet , now pursuing my post military career and life 's true passion , writing , I thank you for taking the time to read my work ! Please join the Kevin E Lake fan page on Facebook ! Fantastic story . I only had one issue with it , however : " There are ice cycles in your damn living room ! " It should be " icicles " , not " ice cycles " . Really ? ! This is a fantastic story . I read it with no problems . Don 't feel the need to correct spelling and grammer . Keep up the great stories . You have an awesome talent . Thank You for sharing . |
I am a bit stuck with what to write for my first sentence . Ady is in the sitting room watching some ' lets all murder everyone ' war film , that he has probably watched a thousand times before , Charlotte is in the shower . . . again , Steph is singing Adele songs in her room trying to perfect the right sounds , the hamster is rolling around in its ball , getting itself stuck in different places and Ollie the rescue cat is wanting some food . . so all normal here , We have had a lovely weekend , and were invited out to dinner on Saturday evening by our friends . They did invite us for lunch last week , but Ady felt so ill , we couldn 't go . Ady does their gardening for them ( so actually they are people he works for but have become our friends ) and they are bloody nice people . . . . . They treat Ady really well and we often take the piss out of them about how they are Londeners with far too much money and no clue as to how to live in the countryside . Over dinner , they were talking about buying a tent so their children could camp in it for a few nights over the weekend in the garden / field by the pool . We told them that we had a tent we would very happily lend them . . . it wont be as posh as the one they would probably buy , but if they are camping , then they should slum it a bit and get with the real world ! . They took us up on our offer ( which was really nice that we could give THEM something for a change ) and so we turned up with the tent . I opened the bag , and we all placed the tent where they wanted it put up , and then I started putting it up . I put the whole thing up by myself , because they have never put a tent up before and didn 't know where to start and every time I asked Ady to help , he stood there saying " I 've got cancer ya know , I can 't do anything " , to which I replied " You 're not dead yet , so grab that bloody pole ! " . . he soon started helping ! So , Ady was not much better and so I took him to the doctors ( such a lovely man ) . He tested a urine sample and sent it off to the hospital and during the conversation , Ady mentioned that he had a dry cough . Now , Ady takes Methotrexate for his arthritis ( I think I already mentioned this ) and one of the possible side effects of long term use of this drug is lung damage . . . soooo , Ady is sent off for a chest xray . . . will this ever bleeding well end I ask myself ! While Ady had gone off to do his urine sample , the GP said to me that he thought that Ady was very down in the dumps and that we should keep an eye on him as he is just getting one blow after another . We agreed that he is usually very strong and hopefully he will bounce back . I really don 't know how Ady copes with it all . . I am not too sure I would cope as well as he has so far . The urine sample came back clear and so we are waiting for the chest xray results . I hope to God they are clear . What will we do if they are not ? , what will the treatment be ? , how will they treat that on top of his cancer ? and so a new worry starts , on top of all the others . . . To take the pressure off Ady thinking he was letting his customers down by not working , and him feeling that he should be providing for his family , not lying in bed feeling ill , our GP gave hum a sick note for 2 weeks , to be reviewed until his surgery . Psychologically for Ady , this gave him ' permission ' to take it easy , have time off work and gather himself together . This week , he has been up and around more . When it all gets on top of him , he just goes for a sleep . How he can do that , I will never know . . . normal people , when they are stressed , cant sleep at all ! ! Bobby from PALS had been really busy on our behalf . She really felt for us and our situation and had got my email to the right people . I had an email from our MP 's secretary to say he had written to the PCT as a matter of urgency and would get back to me with the answer . . . . . . too late mate , I 've got my friend Bobby on the case ! ! The next morning , I got up and switched on my computer to check emails and stuff , only to find that I had no flipping internet and no bloody house phone . . . that 's ALL I need ! So I got on the mobile phone to the internet and phone people and they said it was a BT fault and would send a repairy man to fix it , within 3 days . . . . three bloody days ! ! They transferred all numbers to my mobile , free of charge . Bobby had told me that a lady from the PCT was going to ring me . . . talk about stress ! The next day , we had been out for the day , and came home to find the phone working YAY , so I tried the internet and it wasn 't working . . . bugger , so I phoned the internetty people to get them to help as I has pushed the reset button on the router thing that had buggered everything up . So , I am going through with the man on the phone , and clicking various things and typing in numbers when I am told to , and concentrating very hard , when the mobile rings and it is the onco nurse . Ady answered the mobile phone , and while I was typing and concentrating , I could hear him asking her to ring back in half an hour so she could talk to me . The PCT has asked her to ring us to try and reassure us that Medway would be fine . . . . The next minute , the bloody home phone went dead and I lost my internetty man who was trying to get me back on line FFS ! ! So , I spoke to the onco nurse , who was very nice and she said that our own onco nurse really felt for us and wanted to see if we would like the pre op talk thing at Pembury instead of Maidstone as it was easier for travelling . This is booked for 7th Sept at Maidstone , which Ady wanted to keep as it is with ' his ' team who will be looking after him during and after surgery . While on the phone to the Onco nurse , there was a massage left by a chief executive lady from somewhere up high ( I cant remember where , but I have her number ! ) who was lovely . She said that the nurses , lady from customer services at the PCT ( who handles the complaints ) and Bobby , all really felt sorry for our situation and was doing everythingIf you are bored of reading this , then you want to try living it , It is so much more exciting , you get to meet new people , make new friends and learn lots about life . A friend of mine said to me a while back , that our phone book would change over night , and over time , that has happened . Some people have shown true kindness , while others have run for the hills . Some surprising , and some not so . My friend Mary made the effort to drive for three hours down the motorway to come and take me and the girls out for the day . She had not met the girls before , and we had only met a few times previously , but we chat a lot over the internet and on the phone . She came early in the morning , and we jumped in the car , and headed in the direction of the coast . We were going rock pooling and google said that Saltdean was the place to go . So we headed in that direction , not really knowing where we were going , with no map , just road signs for help . Anyway , to cut a long story short , we ended up in Rottingdean , which was far from rotting ! . . . we never did see a sign for Saltdean . . . On the way , we pulled up at the forest and stopped at the ice cream van . Not bothering to get out of the car , we pretended we were on a drive thu , wound down the window , ordered our ice creams and drove off with the girls giggling in the back and the ice cream lady thinking we were completely mad ! Me and Mary were having a great time being so childish ! We had the most lovely fish and chips in the local pub , cooked by a very nice man from Africa , and the village was very pretty indeed . We paddled in the sea and ate more ice cream and fizzy drink . On the way home , even though we were stuffed , we stopped off at a different place in the forest and had a cream tea . . . my god , we stuck out like a sore thumb , looking a complete mess with our buckets and spades , smearing cream all over our scones and loudly sipping coffee and tea , with the girls slurping their milkshakes through straws , while old posh people were trying to have a pleasant afternoon . . . . we didn 't stay long ! I had another friend who has fallen out with Mary and I had written on Face Book that I was going out with her for the day . Later that evening , I noticed that she had dPosted by We arrived at Kathy and Roy 's to pick the girls up . We had already phoned them for the hospital and told them our news , and they were delighted . The girls had big beaming faces as not only had they had a nice day out with no expense spared , they also knew Ady 's cancer was , as far as they could tell , contained . We thanked Kathy and Roy lots and lots , and went home . When we got there , Ady said that he felt like he had been hit by a baseball bat all over his body , and someone has suddenly pulled a plug and drained all his energy away . So he went upstairs for a lie down , and sleep . The girls were doing their own thing , and I set to my email . I was just organising in my brain , the correct words and the latest buzz words like continuity of care , patients charter , patients choice etc and there was a knock at the door . It was our friends Jackie and Robin with about half a dozen kids , turned up for a cup of tea as they were passing by . I had been invited to Faye 's 50th birthday party at the weekend . I had planned to travel to Somerset on the Saturday , get rat arsed and come back on the Sunday . This had been planned for a few months and I was really looking forward to it . Saturday came , and Ady said that I could go if I wanted to , and that he would be OK . He said that I may as well go as it will probably be the last time I can go away like this for a while and he didn 't want me to hold it against him in the future . Well , by him saying this , I knew that he didn 't really want me to go . I left it for an hour or so , and then said that I had decided that I was not going . It was not the right time and Ady and the girls needed me at home . I couldn 't leave him to look after the girls in that state on his own . As the girls knew from last year when the colonoscopy man didn 't give away too much information because they were there , they completely understand that we need to go to consultants visits on our own . We asked who they would like to look after them , and they both said Kathy and Roy ! ! . Kathy and Roy are our very good friends who act as adopted grandparents to the girls . They were only too delighted to have them , and promptly arranged to take them out for a pizza . We are really lucky to have them in our lives ! ! . . . Bloody nice people they are ! ! We had been told that the operation would take place at Maidstone Hospital , the center of excellence for oncology no less . This hospital is a good 40 minute drive for us , but we completely understood that that is where our surgeon is based and so that is where it will be . We had accepted this and I had pre planned in the back of my mind about how we were going to visit , when we were going to visit , who else was most likely to visit and so on . We walked into the consultants room and sat down . He looked at us and smiled and said " Well , everything seems to be fine and you are OK for the operation . There doesn 't seem to be any spread , so it is contained " We just looked at him , trying to take in what he had said . We both must have had very blank expressions on our faces , because he then said " Do you want to go back out and come in and we can start again ? Usually people at least smile with that news ! " The consultant said that he was very cynical and that nothing surprised him , although the biopsy report said cancer on the left and none on the right , he fully expected there to be cancer on the right as well . He said he wanted to operate sooner rather than later . ( I have since read the biopsy report myself and Mr Google tells me that Perineural Invasion indicates that spread is about to happen , or has happened . This was also confirmed by a uro nurse today ) " Right " I said , " How very dare they " . I made quite sure that the consultant was happy to treat him at Maidstone and that all necessary equipment was there . The consultant smiled and probably thought to himself , she 's a feisty little cow , I wouldn 't want to mess with her . . . . . he would be right to think that and so off we went home , to fight the next battle . So , 11th July came and went and the bone scan was done . We had to wait until 29th July to have the MRI scan which was 6 weeks after the biopsy and 8 weeks since the PSA test at the doctors . We didn 't get any of these results until 9th August . That is TWO months of tests and waiting until you find out what is REALLY going on and EIGHT weeks of knowing that the consultant was not very happy with the size of the prostate in relation to the PSA number so had ordered scans . . . that 's a lot of waiting and worrying , thinking of the worst , thinking of the best and hoping . . . . it is also a lot of listening about other peoples great aunts cancer stories and their survival , consoling other people who are very upset at the news , peoples opinions about how we are reacting and how we are dealing with the children , and people saying about their grandfathers prostate cancer that was ' fine ' . At this point , I forgot to say this earlier when I was going on about Gleason scores and stuff , generally speaking , as you get older , the less aggressive the cancer generally is , and the less likely it is going to kill you . . . . . . by older , I mean 70 's and 80 's , not 40 's , 50 's and 60 's . If you are younger , it is usually more aggressive . This is broadly speaking of course and just what I am sussing though my good friend Mr Google ! A week later , he phoned to say that the bone scan was clear . . . did you read that ? that 's right CLEAR I tell you ! ! ! ! ! ! We were very very happy . . . I would put a few more verys in there , but that 's just childish ! ! Ady was relieved to be told that none of these tests had anything to do with his arse , well , only in an indirect way . . . The first scan to happen was the bone scan on 11th July . We had to travel to the hospital for 10 . 30 and report to the Nuclear dept , hmmm . That sounded pretty ominous but nevertheless , we duly arrived . The nurse then injected some nuclear stuff into his arm and told us to go off and come back at 1 . 30 ready for the scan . This allowed the , what I assume was nuclear material , to travel around his body and attach itself to any dodgy bony bits and that would show up in the scan as dark spots , or ' hot spots ' . So off we went and settled down in the hospital cafe . There is only so much you can do in a hospital and talk about in 3 hours , so my mind started wandering onto the house and all the plans I had had for downstairs the year previously . I then thought to myself , feck it , we should get downstairs done before we are in such dire straits that we won 't be able to afford to do it for another year or so , and if he needs further treatment , then it will be even longer ! I told Ady my thoughts , pretended I was listening to his protests and promptly shot out of the door to the smoking area and phoned Andy , who was only too happy to oblige ! ! So that was that , a date was set for work to begin and all I had to do was pick the flooring and paint . I REALLY wanted a new fridge freezer with a drinks dispenser on the front and a new cooker and hob , but , as they are both still in working order , just very old , they will have to wait until they blow up I spose . Ady is one of those people who is simply not materialistic , and as long as he has a chair to sit in and dinner on the table , he couldn 't care less what the colour scheme is ( well , apart from the day I painted the dining room walls and he complained that it looked like calf shit ) , so although he didn 't see the point in new flooring and a coat of paint , he let me get on with it . The whole house is looking great now and suitable for visitors , doctors and districThe scan itself took about 20 minutes and we were back home in time to pick the girls up from school . I will write about the MRI scan in the next blog because I am a bit stuck thinking about the people in oncology that day . I wonder how many were told that treatment is working , and I also wonder how many were told that there is nothing more that can be done . How does a consultant tell someone that ? How does that person feel ? What is that person thinking ? How do they deal with it ? I think it is only when you have to ride on this cancer bus , that you really give cancer any sort of deep thought . It is only then , that you realise that they didn 't just pop to the doctors and the doctor said " Oh dear , you have cancer " . . . the person would have had symptoms and gone to the GP . The GP would have done basic tests for infections and such like . The person would have gone back to the GP as they are no better . . this could go on for weeks , until more tests are done , and then waiting to see consultants , and more tests and more waiting and worrying , and THEN the final blow of a cancer diagnosis . So , here 's a tip . The next time someone tells you they have cancer , spare a thought of the agony they have been through to get to that diagnosis . The worry , waiting , hospital visits , and tests that have gone on for weeks , possibly months before they get to tell you . And then the worry of what treatment they will have , can they have treatment , how horrible is it going to be , how are they going to manage , will they die , what is dying like , has the cancer spread , is it spreading now , will it be painful , how will their loved ones cope , who is going to look after them . . . the list is endless and they are daily worries that go around and around in that persons head . . . it is all consuming . Cancer has come into that person and that family 's life , completely uninvited . . . . The drive from our house to the hospital is about 45 minutes . Normally we have lots to talk about and generally chatter away , but today , we were lost in our own thoughts and the drive was done in pretty much silence . The girls were at school , well one was at school and the other was on an end of year school trip . She had asked us to let her know the results while she was away via the headmaster ( we are friends and have mobile numbers and he knew what was going on ) , so we agreed we would do that . Oh no , hang on , lets go back to the waiting room . I will never forget when we were sitting in the waiting room , well hospital corridor actually , waiting to to see the consultant and a couple came out of his office and sat down opposite us . The poor man looked like he had been hit by a bus , just staring into space with the biggest look of shock and worry and his wife sat next to him trying to give him words of comfort , which you could see he just wasn 't registering . She told us that the biopsy report said that the cancer was on the left of the prostate and that of the 12 cores taken , 5 on the left were positive for cancer . At this point , I need to say that taking biopsies it similar to a game of battle ships . . . you either get a hit , or you miss . If you miss , it doesn 't mean that cancer is not there , it just means they missed the spot . A minute or so later , a stubby man walked in without saying a word , took some gloves out of the box on the wall and as he was walking behind the curtain , confirmed Adys name and promptly shoved his finger up his arse with no warning ! ! , rummaged around a bit and walked out . On his way out of the door , he said something about biopsies . Ady asked if he thought there was anything wrong and he just shouted ' NO ' from the room next door . April and the beginning of May were great . Ady was feeling really well and was back to work . He was enjoying the sunshine . Charlotte was enjoying school and had really settled well with lots of friends and Steph was looking forward to leaving primary school and moving on . I was also into a good routine with my work and was getting the finances in order , finally . Ady came home from work one day and said that he would be working one minute and the next he would think ' Oh Christ . . . PISS , I need a PISS ' and sprint for the loo . We put it down to perhaps it was the surgery and everything settling down . he spoke to his GP and he agreed . I was standing in the kitchen one day thinking to myself about the past few months . One thing Ady and I were really concerned about was that our children would come out of this as unscathed as possible . So I called them to the kitchen and asked them , now it was all over ( or so we thought ) , how did they think Ady and I handled the whole thing . Both of the girls reassured me that they were very happy with what they were told , and they were happy with more explanation when they didn 't understand the medical side . They both said that they would have HATED being kept in the dark about any aspect of it and that would have worried them . They would have felt like it was a ' them and us ' situation with things out of their control . They also said they would not have felt like a family fighting together . Now , if you are like me , you would automatically think that the blood test is an all encompassing test relating to all cancers , and that if the test is clear , then he is cancer free . . . . this is not so ! ! ! You have to do different tests for different cancers . The test for colon cancer is a CEA test . Ady had the test done and had to wait a few weeks to see the consultant for the results . His GP thought this a bit unfair to make him wait and so rang him to tell him not to worry , the results had come back , and that he was clear . . . wasn 't that nice of him ! ! ! he 's a lovely man , our new GP ! So , life pretty much carried on as normal . The girls went to school , Ady went to work and so did I . The benefits were cancelled and that was that . Ady was best man at his friends wedding in July , and we were all very much looking forward to it . There was a time when Dave and Sue ( the couple getting married ) had someone else on standby , in case Ady didn 't make it . You 've got to plan these things ! ! ! Ady continued to recover very well all through Christmas and into the new year . We were able to enjoy Christmas for two reasons , the first one being that most of the presents the children had and the food we were eating , was paid for from the kindness of my online friends with love to shop vouchers and the second one was that Ady was OK . He had been through an ordeal which was pretty harrowing , life threatening and bloody scary , but he was out the other side all in one piece ( minus a bit of colon of course ) ! When his bed was parked into its space , and his nurse said goodbye , we felt a little bit insecure . All the machinery had been taken away apart from his morphine and catheter bag . The insulin monitor had gone too . Over the weekend , everything was pretty normal . Ady wasn 't allowed to eat anything except ensure drinks . His choices were chocolate , banana , vanilla or strawberry . . . . oohh what to have for breakfast ! ! ! ! On Monday morning I had a call form Ady , in floods of tears . He was absolutely beside himself , sobbing and he didn 't know why . Anything I said , made no difference , so off I went to the hospital to see him . ( Thank the Lord for the mothers dinners they were cooking ! ) . When I left , the consultant was called . They agreed to remove his catheter and let him have a cup of tea and some toast . They told him that once he had done a poo , that was his ticket home and that was all he was waiting for . At Ady 's request , I cancelled his visitors for that day and sent my sister to see him . She checked with me what he wanted to hear and what he didn 't and she turned up with a bottle of squash and a good shoulder . Ady was pleased he saw her and Diana hoped the visit had gone well . . . . I think it did ! On the Tuesday , I rang Ady in the morning and he seemed much happier . . . he told me that he had had a shower with Carlos ! ! ! ! ! ! CARLOS I said , and who the feck is he ! ! ! ! ! To my relief , Carlos was a nurse who helped him to the shower to freshen up . . . . . Thank God ! ! The physio came and checked his lungs and made sure he could walk up the stairs and we packed his bags . The nurse gave me instructions on dressing and cleaning his wound , which was stitched from his belly button to his pubic bone and off we went . HOME ! ! They are our children and Ady is their daddy . They have a right to know the ins and outs of each step . We will all fight this together , as a family unit . . . you can 't do that if half of them don 't know what is going on ! ! I picked the girls up and the first thing they asked was had I managed to to anything with their rooms , they had been really excited all week thinking about it . . . . of course , I replied that I hadn 't done very much and that I was far too busy working . I said that Andy was able to fix the wardrobe and straighten the shelves , but that was it . I even made myself sound irritated that they had asked . They said that that was OK and they were grateful that I had done what I did . I could tell they were absolutely gutted , and afterwards , they told me they felt their week had been ruined but they didn 't want to seem ungrateful . I love my girls . It was lovely , cracking on with the house and the girls really enjoying their rooms and my planning what to do with downstairs . I had even done a deal with Topps Tiles to get a discount on the flooring as I was planning on buying so much . Steph is an asthmatic so carpets are a bit of a no no and what with cat hairs and wellington boots , laminate is SO much easier ! ! ! I have never seen so much paperwork in all my life ! ! And what with being self employed , there was double the amount . For about two weeks , I ploughed my way through the paperwork which was quite swamping at times and thanks to the help of a lovely person who I have never met but is an online friend , who spent hours on the phone with me explaining everything as she works in the benefits system ( I will always be grateful to her ) , we managed to get our £ 65 . a week to live on . Behind my back , they had got together and organised a whip round for us . At the end of November , I think it was , the post arrived and in it , was loads of love to shop vouchers . Now its not often I am speechless , but on this particular occasion I was ! ! And then there were some school mothers who showed huge kindness too . They got together and cooked meals for me and the girls so I didn 't have to worry about cooking while Ady was in hospital . Boy did that take the pressure off , and of course , I gave them all marks out of ten ! ! ! Then there was another internet friend who used to be a diabetic nurse specialist . I have never met her , but she too , spent hours on the phone advising me about all things sugar related . Our old GP left us to get on with it but Sal made it all better . . . thank you Sal ! To cut another long story short , he said that he has found a sessile polyp whilst he was hacking his way through his colon and that he would need surgery to remove it . The girls were with us , who were 9 and 11 at the time and he said that he didnt think it was cancer but wanted him to have a CT scan the next day , oh , and he told Ady to go home and enjoy his kids . . . hmm , I thought , that is a strange thing to say and arrange , for a non cancerous polyp . . . . . I did wonder if he didn 't want to say anything in front of the girls . I am grateful that he didn 't . Mr B and his team were fantastic . The colorectol nurses had a long chat with us and what the next steps would be . They gave us their number to ring as they were sure we would have questions and need reassurance . . we were on the phone quite a lot that fortnight ! ! So , in his office , he told Ady he had diabetes and that he needed to cut out his sugar and not eat white rice or ripe bananas . During this meeting , I asked if he was type one or type two , to which he said type two . I asked him the difference and what it all meant to which he replied " Oh , I thought you would know the answer to that since you asked the question " . . . . what an arrogant shit , needless to say , that was the last time we saw him . So , at 2 o ' clock , I phoned the hospital to see if the bed was OK , well feckity feck , the bed lady said there was no bed ! ! ! Jeeeeesus , we had his bag packed , the kids organised , mentally prepared ourselves for major surgery , and she was telling us their was no bed ? ? ! ! ! We could NOT believe it . . . . she said ring back at four and she will see what she can do . . . . if I remember rightly , I think I was quite polite . . . . . under the circunstances . . As we were going out of the door to pick up the girls from school , I heard Ady say " Oh bugger it " . I looked round to find him scrambling around on the floor looking for his crown that had just fallen out ! ! FFS I just had time to go and see him before picking the girls up , so off I went . Ady looked much much better than I thought , so much so that we decided that if the girls wanted , they could come and see him after school . I took some photos of him ( I will try and work out how to put these on here somewhen ) and showed the girls and they said they would like to see him . |
He looked at her , her fragile body sitting in the wooden chair , rocking back and forth . She sat outside catching the few last rays of the setting sun . She was planning something again , she was always planning . He made her the way she was and she in her turn made him . How he hated her … He knew there was only one option left , she made sure of that . He looked up at the sky the sun was slowly dying away , the last sunrays vanishing beyond the horizon leaving the ground to the dark night . If only he could die just like her , that would be better but he couldn 't . things could never be that bad . He sighed and sat back on his wooden chair . Their houses looked like replicas in front of one another stuck in an endless struggle a struggle he was now losing , why he was losing he did not know . The centuries long fight was finally setting the end stage it was time to end it . " No way man , I felt an 8 . 5 once and it wasn 't like this at all . It was a lot worse . Half the houses were breaking and me and Lisa were running as far away as we could … " Richard smiled . They watched their house shake . The shaking stopped as abruptly as it began . Car alarms sounded all along the streets . They waited a few more minutes before they went back in the house . " I have a date with her on Tuesday so how 's that ? ! " He said , regretting saying that as soon as the words came out of his mouth . Richards face was worth it though . He looked shocked , for the first time words failed him which was a big thing with Richey . Richard burst into laughter . " That 's really what she said ? Man , I thought she was hot I guess she is also as dumb as a shoe " he said laughing . Michael 's face turned red . " It was romantic you idiot . She 's very smart , she has all these imagination games she likes to play and I was the only one who didn 't just try to get into her pants so there ! " Michael said with conviction . " Don 't tell me you don 't want to get into her pants ! ! I can 't believe that , she 's so fucking hot ! ! " Richard said loudly nearly screaming . Michael stared at the floor . " It 's not that I don 't want her , it 's just that it feels good . I don 't have to have her . At first when I saw her I really thought she would turn out to be stupid and I would just bone her and that 's it . But it was great , we talked really talked and I had a lot of fun " he paused contemplating " I never even thought of sex " he added . Richard looked back at Michael and sighed . " Ok maybe not . I 'm happy for you , don 't look at me like that , I am … really " Michael sat bored at home by himself . His parents divorced a long time ago . He lived with his mom who worked about 10 hours a day , leaving him to do whatever he liked for most of the day hours . This usually wasn 't much . He looked at the time ; it was nearing 22 : 00 . He wondered if he should call Lisa , their date was in 2 days , but he really couldn 't wait to hear her voice . After picking up the phone and putting it down again a few times . He cursed for his nervousness and quickly dialed the number before his courage could fail him . He was just about to hang up again when a feminine voice spoke on the other line . " oh … Oh ? OH ! ! " It took Michael some time to realize she was asking him to come with her . He was in the game now , Richard and his stupid ideas . " Yea , of course I am ! ! " as soon as the words came out he regretted them . He sounded too anxious , he should play it cool . That 's what Richard told him . He thought about it and changed his mind it was Richard who got him in this mess in the first place . " I 'm sorry , but it sounded like a line from a movie . I didn 't mean to laugh . So I 'll meet you at my place ? " she asked . " Ok , great I 'll see you then " Michael hung up and jumped in the air . Not only did she ask him out she also wanted him to come early ! That could only mean one thing ; they were going to make out or maybe even something better if he was lucky . Michael jumped around the room and stopped only when he crashed on the sofa and fell on the floor . But he hardly took notice of it . Everything was going along great . The wind was slowly picking up . She was definitely planning something , shaping things to suit her needs . She had to move quickly she was almost out of time . A man of average height , and age , sat in an armchair , looking at the wooden house across the street . The sun was shining brightly . It was always shining so that you could always pay attention . The man smiled . There was no joy or happiness in his eyes , they were cold . Very cold , as though the life that once flowed within them was sucked out leaving the cold lifeless stare of a corpse . He could feel things slowly taking shape ; she was too busy to notice he changed something as well . Let her go on ; let her have the benefit of the doubt . Ultimately she will fail . Richard brought his car , so he could drive Michael to Lisa 's place . Richard had already passed his test a year earlier , while Michael still needed to pass his . When they finally arrived , Michael got out and went to Lisa 's house . " Good luck " called Richard from the car . " Call me when your back … I want to know everything " he added . Michael smiled and set out for the business at hand . He stood in front of the door a few moments building up his courage and rang the door bell . Michael obediently stepped into the house . It was a big place very different from where he lived . He walked into a spacious living room . At the right side of the room was a big sofa with a 50 inch TV in front of it . On his left was the kitchen . In front of him were steps leading to a second floor . Lisa led him up the stairs to her room . The second floor was a hallway with some closed doors . Lisa opened one of them and they entered . Lisa 's room was a typical girl room , or at least that 's what Michael thought . The leading color in the room was pink . A vast amount of items was all colored in various shades of pink . The curtains , the bed cover were all pinkish . The funniest however was the small TV . It had a fur like cover surrounding it also in pink . " Cool " It was the only thing he could come up with . Lisa seemed a bit disappointed . Richard told him that if she seemed to expect something it usually was a kiss . Thinking of this Michael moved his head closer to Lisa 's . He pressed his lips together and slowly moved with his head forward closing his eyes . " Yea well , It 's only because you 're so beautiful and it makes me nervous " It escaped his lips before he really noticed . Great . He had better success when there was an earthquake . He turned his head away from her . Her hand reached out for his and grabbed it firmly . He looked up at her . She was smiling . They went out , Lisa locking the house behind her . The Army base was a 25 min walk from Lisa 's house in an area just outside of the small village . The village of Knowringle was so small you could cross it from one side to the other in about an hour walk , although nobody really walked anymore , why walk when you can drive ? There weren 't any other cities in the area , just mountains . This was probably why the army chose this area from the beginning . It was isolated , there were no neighbors who could complain , just a natural mountain range stretched far into the distance adding an extra plus for survival exercises that the army regularly preformed . Michael and Lisa chatted happily while walking on the road towards the base . The day was perfect for a hike . The heat wasn 't too bad and a cool wind blew every now and then . They were absorbed in their conversation until suddenly a strong gust of wind thrust them backwards a few steps . Dust blew inside of their eyes causing them to be temporarily blind . The noise of wind became increasingly loud ; they couldn 't hear one another and were stumbling blindly . Michael grabbed hold of Lisa when the wind had picked up , but he lost her when her hand was swept away from his when the wind suddenly picked up . He couldn 't see where she was , the dust was burning his eyes . He screamed Lisa 's name but it was no use , he could barely hear his own voice , it was drowned by the endless winds surrounding him . His shoe hit something hard and he fell forward hard on his face . The air was knocked out of him , the dust burning his lungs , he felt as if his throat was on fire , his lungs burning with an excruciating pain . He felt his mind drift away into unconsciousness . He tried to fight it but he could hardly even breathe let alone get up . Darkness slowly surrounded him , and he drifted away … Michael felt a searing pain in his eyes . He blinked a few times to get the dust from his eyes ; he could breathe although he was coughing a lot , the taste of sand lingering in his mouth . He could see a desert seemingly going on forever . All sign of the road he walked on was gone . He looked around ; Lisa was nowhere to be found . He called her name a few times , but no one responded . He was alone , with nothing but sand to keep him company . It was then he noticed the mountain range had also disappeared . No wind could have pushed him that far away he thought bitterly . The mountain range was visible for about 100 miles all around Knowringle . Wherever he had arrived it was far away from home . He checked his pockets looking for his cell phone . It was gone ; it had probably fallen out of his pocket when he was tossed around by the wind . He was pondering what the best thing to do was when a distant cry made him literally jump . He turned towards where he thought the sound was coming from and slowly walked in its direction . It could be Lisa he thought and broke into a run . Images swept his mind , Lisa hurt , tortured , maybe even killed . The anger combined with fear made him run faster . After about 10 minutes he could see some shapes in the distant . It was hard to make out what they were . The desert heat , which was considerably hotter than in the afternoon , made everything look as though it was on fire . Circular lines faded in and out in the distance making it very hard to see anything clearly . As he got closer he could see the shapes were actually two wooden houses facing one another . A gravel road appeared a few steps before the two houses and created a way between them . The strange thing was that that same gravel road disappear some steps after the houses . Why would anyone make a gravel road for just a few meters ? Michael pushed the thought out of his mind and carefully walked towards the house on the right . The houses looked just like the ones in the old western movies did . They were made from a dark colored wood and had a big porch with an armchair on it . At least that meant people lived there , Michael thought . As he got closer to them he noticed they both looked exactly alike . They were both of same height and color . Even the armchair looked the same . Michael noticed there was but one window in the houses and it overlooked not the desert but the house in front of it . Whoever lived here was very strange , all alone in the middle of nowhere with a window towards one another . Michael decided to just knock and enter the house on the right . If Lisa was anywhere the people here could probably help him . They might even have a phone or something he thought , although no power lines were visible anywhere . Maybe they were underground he wondered . He took a deep breath and knocked on the door . To his surprise it opened immediately and he very nearly fell in . In front of him stood a black woman , he couldn 't tell what her age was . She seemed old but there was something young about her as well , she stood straight and kept her hands at her side . Her blue eyes watched him closely like a hawk studying its prey . It made him feel uneasy ; her eyes seemed old somehow , as if she had seen many things . She must have been very beautiful once he thought . Her eyes , although they were still blue seemed to lose a bit of their color , as if for a split second her eyes rebelled , soon however the color was the same as it was and Michael doubted seeing it . " I 'm sorry , this must be quite a shock to you , but there is no time to explain . Falcner has Lisa and he will use her to his own benefit . It 's all my fault but that can 't be helped now . I don 't have much time left " She stopped and looked at Michael . She sighed . Michael was caught off guard only thing he could think about was Lisa . This woman knows where Lisa is . But before he could ask anything the woman already answered . " Yes I know where Lisa is , I told you Falcner has her , if you want to save her you need to trick him into letting her go . I guess I have to explain although we really don 't have much time " She took 2 chairs and sat herself in one of them . Michael sat in the other one . " You arrived at the gateway between times . We are the last keepers of this way . Don 't look so surprised " she added seeing Michael frown " there are many things that exist not only in legend . Falcner thinks this is a competition he has forgotten his true self . He only wants to win he doesn 't understand that to win , one must first lose . It doesn 't matter . I 'm dying I am nearly gone already " The woman looked down at her hands and gritted her teeth in disgust ; she quickly regained her posture however and continued . " I thought I could persuade someone to take over . You see , this gateway is always open . Sometimes people from many different times reach it . We keep this way closed to them . One cannot move through this way without causing another way to close . You see this gateway could transport you in time , but there is a catch . It is based on laws that exist in this world . One of the laws states that there is always a loophole , meaning a way out . But to use this loophole is to undue everything that has been done . I know it 's hard to understand " she said looking at the perplexed look on Michael 's face " I am the last of the first guardians . I was here when this gate first opened because of someone 's thought . There were two of us " Her voice broke off and it looked like she was struggling with something . " Time flows differently here . Minutes are hours and hours are minutes . One day someone broke the code and arrived here . He was surprisingly quick ; he realized what we were and understood what needed to be done in order to go through the gateway . He killed Shar who with me was the first . We learned to read thoughts , emotions and Shar had to end his life in order to keep the gate closed before everything was undone . You see death is an end and a beginning and with a sacrifice must come hope . It was enough for a new guardian to appear from a different time and to send the one who broke the code back to wherever he came from . The new guardian Falcner slowly lost his mind . He thinks I tricked him and that when I die I will win . I thought nothing of it and sent for a new guardian " " How can you send for a new guardian when that other guy had to die to get one ? " Michael asked . This story was bull , she was lying . Who could every believe anything like this ? ! Michael was losing his patience . Anger rose within him , he had had enough . He walked out of the door without looking back . His eyes were temporarily blinded by the sharp light . He went straight towards the other house and without knocking went in . The house was empty from the looks of it no one had lived there for a very long time . He turned around in anger the old woman was playing some very sick game with him . The door to her house was still open ; he walked in and saw to his surprise a man . He quickly walked in " What the hell is going on here ? ! " he screamed . The man turned around . He had grey hair and was white , this was too weird . " Who the fuck are you " he shouted back at him . " Then I 'm very sorry to say that she lied . Stupid bitch wouldn 't know anything anyway . Thinks all these weird things all the time , but she won 't win I won 't let her " The old man was whispering , it appeared as if he had forgotten all about Michael being there . He continued whispering Michael only got little bits and pieces . " I will manage … Wait and see … Sun all the time … " The old man turned to Michael and seemed surprised to see someone standing there . Then slowly his face registered recognition . " Yes , I am my boy . Are you my grandson ? " " No , my name is Michael I 'm searching for Lisa … " Michael replied his voice breaking , despair slowly drowned him . He had no idea where he was , Lisa could be anywhere as far as he knew , and no one could help him . " Yes , it was the only way to save her . You see Dianova was going to use her for a mind switch . That would mean she could be free and be able to go into the world . I couldn 't let that happen , I had to do something " the old man seemed sincere . The old man smiled a sad smile . " If only it was that simple . The world as you know it is incomplete . There are fragments of it moving in and out of time . Some times centuries separate it ; this is a gateway that connects time together . A long time ago someone tried to change the flow of time . That someone was me … I was young in those days and I thought I could combine time into a singular level . Let 's just say it didn 't work . I 've been trying to undo what I 've done ; you see time shifted even worse when I tried to get it back on track . I had a young assistant to help me . He at the end stabbed me in the back ; he got the secret of time from me and opened a gateway . He was going to control time , but that is impossible . Time cannot be controlled , he would have destroyed time . I managed to separate the area before the gate from the regular flow of time . It should have worked perfectly but it didn 't . Simon my assistant managed to trap me at that same area as well . Only difference was , Time changed . I was stuck in a slow time pocket and Simon in a fast time pocket . This means he gets older a lot faster then I do . He already created 2 time changes . In the first one a black woman called Dianova arrived here . He used her and was able to switch minds with her . He had to do that because he was close to death . Same as now , only this time I pushed the girl into the gateway before he could use her . You on the other hand , I don 't know . What did he , I mean she tell you ? " " She said she was expecting me and that I had to go and save Lisa from you . Then she talked about guardians and stuff , I didn 't really understand any of it " Michael stopped abruptly " There was one weird thing though . I walked to this house and it was empty then I turned back to the other house and you were there " " What ? " A look of shock appeared on the old man 's face . " He tricked me , it 's over " The old man put his head between his hands . " What ? I don 't understand what 's wrong ? " Michael asked . The shock on the old man 's face couldn 't be good news . " I told you I set this area off as an out of time area . This means you can 't come to this place unless you manipulate time . You and Lisa were manipulated to come here . I thought he would use Lisa to do another mind switch , but as it turns out that 's what he wanted me to think . He needed to break the time barrier in order to be free and he just did that . He used you , you walked through the gateway and came back in , so the gate was momentarily open and he could have gone wherever he wanted " Michael walked towards the window and stared . The desert had disappeared behind a moving transparent wave like substance . It looked like a little like water , the only difference being the changing background . It seemed as if nothing could make up its mind . Everything morphed into different things never staying always changing . " It 's like there is an ocean or something and behind it there is like things changing . I can see parts of the desert changing into sky or something . It 's really weird " " Then it is as I feared . He succeeded in freeing himself , thus breaking the time pocket I created " Falcner looked as if he had suffered the worst defeat . He sat on the chair his head lolling down towards the floor . " There must be some way we can stop this , I mean can 't you make another force thingy or just change things back ? " Michael asked . He felt his head throb when he tried thinking about what was going on around him . Falcner looked up from his seat . " I can 't just create a pocket like that ; I don 't even remember how to manipulate time . I 've been here for so many years ; I nearly forgot my name at times . The only thing I lived for was preventing Simon from getting his will and now I failed " the old man seemed broken ; the sparkle he had in his eyes gave way for despair . Michael felt pity for this man , this weird old guy . Slowly the pity subsided and anger rose . This was entirely his fault in the first place ! Michael felt anger mount within him . Everything was out of his control slipping from his grasp . This morning the only thought he had was kissing Lisa , and now ? Everything was in danger because some idiot was playing with time . Everything he knew would be gone . Lisa would be gone . Richard … " There has to be something we can do ! I mean this is just too absurd . You are supposed to be this great time expert and your assistant beats you ? ! How pathetic is that ! " Michael screamed . He didn 't know what he was saying anymore , he just wanted something to happen , for someone to take control of the situation and do something about it . " Look at me , I 'm too old . I 've been here for so very long . I just want it to end " Falcner said , he lifted his face and looked at Michael . His eyes were sad , thick lines encircling them . " Well science was never my strong side " Michael muttered . He was still too angry to except any compliment . He had enough of the fantastic tales he had heard . All he wanted was for things to go back to the way they were . " There is one thing I still have to tell you . I 'm not sure you will understand it now , but when you will you will be able to … let 's just say your limits will not be the same " Michael muttered something under his breath . Falcner heard nothing of it and continued . " You live in a place that thinks time is just another phenomenon , and moves forward as a constant . This isn 't the case . Time is dynamic , it can expand and retract , it moves differently , in impulses we don 't really understand yet . As soon as you realize time is not a constant you will be able to see the different forms of time in a manner of speaking … " " I can 't , you have to understand it that 's the only way " Falcner opened his mouth to continue his explanation but closed it again . There was no use . He could only hope that when time would be right Michael would at least be able to do something . " Good luck " he said . The sad smile returned to his face . " But what am I supposed to do ? ! " screamed Michael " how do I get Lisa back how do I do anything ? " Michael walked out the door and towards the end of the gravel road . The light flashed in his eyes once more , blinding him temporarily . He had the strangest feeling of Déjà vu , walking on the same gravel road again , with the wooden houses on either side . As he reached the end of the road , he felt a slight fear creeping up from inside of him , slowly making its way up from his stomach to his mind . A dazzling light shone into his eyes . His step faltered , he nearly lost his balance for the ground seemed to slip from beneath him . It wasn 't the hard gravel road anymore , it was moving as if alive , Shaking like a big jelly being from one side to the other . He tried to see where he was but the light was too strong to make anything out , he continued walking forward careful not to lose his footing . As the light slowly resided he could make out his surroundings for the first time . Lines of gold surrounded him , tracing the strange kind of hallway he saw in front of him . It was a strange feeling , looking at all these strange gold lines running through and around everything . On both sides he could see some kind of glass structure going as far as he could see . It seemed like a big looking glass cracked in many different places , all of which had their own story , but somehow still connected to this one massive piece of glass . In certain glass pieces he could see people at others landscapes . Some were with strange animals and others with animals he recognized . Michael had the feeling of walking through a museum of some kind . He had actually expected the different things in each glass to move , but they were all frozen . It was then he noticed how silent it all was . There was no noise of any kind , and he had the strange feeling of walking not through a museum but rather through a tomb . He looked down at the red jelly like floor which was the only moving thing . A shiver ran through him . He turned around . The strange hallway like place seemed to continue on without an end in sight . Falcner hadn 't told him anything about this . What was he supposed to do now ? Walk through this endless place ? ! Not knowing what to do , he continued walking occasionally looking to his sides at the strange picture like things . A flicker of movement on his left caught his attention . On the glass in front of him stood a picture like the million others he saw all around . But something was different . He looked at the picture closely , another flicker . Some things in the picture were moving . He felt an urge to touch it , grab hold of something real in this deserted place . A gasp came out of his lips as he moved his hand forward in order to touch the glass . His hand went right through the glass as if it didn 't exist . He quickly pulled his hand back staring at it in disbelief . He tried touching a different picture but that didn 't work . The glass was cold and uninviting stopping his hand from reaching the picture . He thought for a second . He tried a few more pictures all with the same result . The only place he could enter was the picture that had some movement in it . He stood in front of the moving picture . This was the only way back into time he thought because this is the only moving picture moving . Does this mean there are many time lines ? Or does it mean that everything is frozen except for one instant ? It was no use thinking about the different things the only option he had was going through the picture . Everything was better then walking aimlessly through this quiet hallway . Michael took a deep breath and walked forward through the picture . Colors from every spectrum flashed around him . It was such a strong contrast to what he had just come from that he stumbled a few steps blinded . He noticed that the further he walked the more colors appeared . There were reds , blues , and yellows all around him . The combination of so many colors made everything seem black or sharp white . It made his eyes water forcing him to blink a couple dozen times in an effort to block out the colors . The colors disappeared just as sudden as they appeared . Michael stood in a vast grey landscape . He could see people around him but they were all frozen , stuck in whatever they were doing that moment . He walked towards a big guy and experimentally waved his hand in front of his eyes . The guy continued to stare straight in front of him his mouth open as though he was talking , presumably to the girl standing next to him . Michael looked around trying to locate the movement he had seen before he entered . Slowly as his eyes got used to the grey frozen picture around him he could see long thin golden lines . They looked like small rays of light . The same ones he had seen in the hallway . This is time he thought . I can see these threads because time is frozen . But how can I make it go again ? As he was thinking his hand absent mindedly went up and down through the air , the fingers fumbling the dead air around him causing thin golden threads to swirl and turn . Sound , very slowly moved away from him carried on waves through the air . He abruptly stopped moving his hand , trying to focus on the origin of the sound which was now fading . He stared at the small fading golden threads noticing them now for the first time . Michael moved his hand in an effort to recreate the threads and saw to his great surprise that new golden lines moved away from him . As he was slowly realizing what was going on he felt a tug , as if something was pulling the picture . He moved clumsily forward , learning as he goes how to move in the awkward environment . He could now feel where the push came from , this must also be where time was being forced to except something he realized . He ran and at the corner of his eye saw a guy he assumed to be Simon , holding Lisa . Simon turned towards him , a big smile showing a row of teeth , covering his face " Well well , if it isn 't the little idiot . Come to stop me have you ? That 's a laugh " The guy laughed loudly at his own words . Michael , more out of reflex than anything else , moved his hand in a circular motion . A golden circle appeared swallowing the created riffs . Simon looked surprised and stopped to appraise Michael a new . " How did you do that ? " he asked after a short pause . At this Simon laughed . " I can see you have no idea what you are doing I guess it was a lucky shot what you just did . Let me explain something to you . I can manipulate time by giving it memories . If I give it memories I can flex areas of time involving myself . The more memories I have the more control I can exert . I can tell by the look on your face that you have no idea what I 'm talking about , so why don 't you go back to where you came from and get lost . " Take mine echoed a familiar voice inside Michael head . He turned around trying to find where the voice came from . Simon in the meantime started moving his hand again in a complicated movement . He had to buy some time . " What did you do to the body of Dianova ? " he asked . This seemed to stop Simon . I will meld with you , and I am not alone together we can win the voice this time it seemed like two voices a female voice that was cold and angry , and another old voice . Falcner ? Michael wondered . And Dianova . Prepare yourself . The voices disappeared and Michael 's mind was flooded by memories . Thoughts of two people were now mixed with his own . He immediately saw all the patterns of time , millions of lines intertwined with one another . Michael fell to the ground the weight of all the new memories literally pulling him down . Michael fought for breath as an amazing amount of memories surged through him , filling everything , lives went past , years , centuries , as slowly everything began to reside he knew where the memories had come from , he knew what he had to do . " You always were too obsessed " Michael said in a calm voice . The two spirals now stood fully in front of one another , circling around one another . Simon 's spiral started to swallow Michael 's spiral sucking more and more from it , instead of stopping however Michael continued releasing more spirals creating a line of spirals that were all slowly consumed by Simon 's spiral . Simon looked at the continually increasing size of his spiral and a look of doubt crossed his face . " What are you doing ? " he asked Michael didn 't reply he continued his movements , creating more and more spirals . It was now so big it easily topped the world 's highest building and still it looked like there was no stopping it . It increased into the air soaring like a pillar from the heavens and still it grew taller , its edges flowing through the atmosphere . Fear washed Simon , a moment ago he had complete control , he was about to devour all the memories and body of a young girl . He could now easily defeat even Falcner , what was going wrong ? The spiral reached the edge of space where it appeared to be stuck , there it grew in width until everything looked unstable , time shook violently and cracks started to appear on the until now dead image . Simon screamed in agony as he was sucked into the spiral . Michael felt his body growing weaker and weaker . This was the final moment he knew ; he had to break Simon 's hold over time . He had to break time itself in order to set it free to roam as an entity by itself , uncontrollable from any outside interference . He had nearly nothing left , he felt torn , his last feelings , thoughts , ideas sucked out of him , leaving him with a dreadful nothing . An empty shadow of what he once was a broken shell . His knees started to shake , his body as young and agile as it was , was still human and although bendable still sustainable only as a human . A figure slowly stood up and stumbled towards him . " I am here , let me help " said a female voice , Michael knew but couldn 't place anymore , a beautiful voice filled with color and light . Gentle hands held him and he felt something of what he was come back to him . With the last power he could muster he gave one final push and collapsed on the floor . His eyes shutting … Michael looked up to see Lisa holding him in her arms . He was lying on the flood in some strange place , he struggled to get up . " Are you alright ? " he asked looking at her with concern . " Yes I think so , but what happened ? And where are we ? " Michael looked around and saw millions of colorful pictures all around him . You are outside time . The words echoed silently in his mind , he remembered where he was . " Lisa I 'm sorry for all of this " voice trailed off . He couldn 't face her , he stared at the floor . Hands lifted his head up . He was surprised to see Lisa was smiling . " It 's not your fault . So why don 't we find a way out of here " I had a picture in my head , way before I set out to write anything , of two small barn like houses facing each other , placed in the middle of a deserted gravel road . This image haunted me for a while and I kept seeing it over and over in my mind . Somehow these two houses were alone , and together they possessed some power as if they were the center for some event , or a doorway perhaps . I could see all this quite clearly but I had no story to attach all this to , so I came up with this story all so I could get rid of that image from my mind . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
A stranger asks to borrow your cell phone . You agree . She turns away and talks on it for a moment , then faces you once more . " I 'm sorry , " she says , eyes red . " I 'm so sorry . " Then , she runs away . Why do I get this feeling that I 'm being followed ? I know it sounds ridiculous , but the feeling is strong . I turn around and see that nothing seems amiss . I start walking again , but as I pick up speed , I hear my steps being matched . When I slow down , the same thing . I stop and turn around again . This time I am met face to face with a girl in her mid twenties , about my age . She is frowning . Spooked , I turn back around and continue on my way . I try to ignore her , but I still feel her presence behind me . I duck into a coffee shop hoping to lose her , but she follows me in . I am flustered and confused , so I decide to approach her . " Excuse me , but can I help you with something ? " I inquire . Her face turns red as she asks if she can borrow my phone . " It 's important , " she says , a bit angrily . I pause , not able to grasp what is going on . I should say no , but I am feeling that she is in distress so I just hand over my cell phone without any questions asked . What the hell was that all about ? I am left standing there stunned until I realize that she never broke the connection with whoever it was she was speaking with . I put the phone up to my ear and say , " Hello ? " " Hi , who is this ? " replies a male voice . A familiar male voice . " umm , Dad ? " I answer . " Michelle ? What are doing ? " What am I doing ? I should be asking him that . What I don 't understand is why a strange woman would follow me , ask to use my phone and then call my dad . I 'm guessing it isn 't a coincidence . " Dad , why did that girl call you ? How does she know me ? I 'm really confused and I would like it if you would shed some light here . I have to admit to being a little freaked out right about now . " I say . " Calm down Michelle , she 's just a friend . " " Calm down ? Dad , she was visibly upset . You need to come clean right now . Who is she and why was she crying ? Please , don 't lie to me , I 'm begging you . " I feel on the verge of tears as well , out of sheer frustration . I hear him sigh on the other end . I have left the coffee shop and am walking down 5th Avenue . I 'm feeling the need to move . " Honey , that 's Cleo . Oh God . Please … okay , I was seeing her , " he explains , " but I ended it with her last week . I 'm so embarrassed to say this , but it seems she is stalking me . She keeps calling me and showing up at the office . I don 't know how she got you involved . Please . Can we keep this between us ? Pumpkin ? " My dad is a creep . I mean , I love him . But he is a pathetic excuse for a husband . My poor mother has accepted the fact that dad cheats . " He can 't help it , " she says , " he loves me , it 's just that he needs more than what I can give him . I 've just learned to look the other way . " I don 't know how she can live like that . Because of him , I 've grown leery of men . I 'm not sure how I can trust them . His infidelity has been going on since I was a teenager . Probably even longer than that but I was too young to figure it out . " You know what dad ? What you do with your life is your business , but please don 't bring me into it . I don 't need your lovers knowing who I am . Why was she following me ? How does she even know who I am ? She 's half your age , dad . She 's young enough to be your daughter . It 's a little freaky . And if she 's stalking you ? It was bound to happen sooner or later . Look , I have to go , I 'm just about home . We 'll talk about this later . " I hit the off button and put my phone back in my pocketbook . I live in a walk - up on the lower east side . I 've never been so relieved to be home , the last hour has been a bit harrowing . I walk up the three floors to my apartment , stop to search for my keys and open the door . I 'm about to fall onto my couch from exhaustion when I think I hear and see something . It 's getting dark out so the apartment is full of shadows being thrown from the street lights . I flip the switch for the lamp . I drop my bag and take a step back . " Cleo ? How did you get in here ? " She 's holding a knife . I turn and run as fast as I can for the door . Unfortunately , she is moving faster than me and grabs me by the hair . All I keep thinking is that my life is going to end if I don 't fight for it . I throw myself around and grab at her arms . She 's strong , but so am I . We both struggle for what seems like an eternity . Suddenly , I hear my dad 's voice , " Cleo , drop the knife or I 'll shoot . " Surprisingly , she does as he says . I run and hide behind him . I am suddenly transported to when I was a small child and we were visiting Santa in the mall . Except this isn 't Santa , this is a deranged ex - lover . The ex - lover of my dad 's , who is married to my mom . Although I am extremely angry at him , I am relieved he is here . I hear the sirens outside getting closer . In a few minutes this will all be over . " By the way , " he says , " I never told her about you . " You realize the boat is sinking , but that 's not the worst thing that could happen . The worst thing happened last night . Oh God . What 's going on ? What is this ? A reenactment of the Titantic ? Is this really happening ? I stopped what I was doing and tried to concentrate on what the Captain was saying . I didn 't want to go on this stupid cruise in the first place . But , no , " we have to , " he says . " It 's our 20th anniversary , " he says . " What better way than to cruise it with friends , " he says . Yes , you heard right . Friends - our best friends - Jack and Abigail share our wedding anniversary . To the day , to the year . We didn 't know each other at the time of our weddings , we met through our kids . Of course , what other way do you meet friends at our age than through your children ? Ever since we first realized we shared the same anniversary 12 years ago , we 've celebrated every year with them . Actually , that 's not entirely true . Abigail had to have emergency gall bladder surgery on our 16th anniversary , otherwise it 's something every single year . Sometimes it 's a winery , a three - day weekend in Cape Cod , or just plain old dinner . I love Abigail and Jack very much , but I would like to have my husband to myself once in a while . This is a tradition that was started by Larry , my husband . He loves to party , he loves to be surrounded by people . Me , I need solace . I 'm shy and the constant going out is just a bit outside of my comfort zone . With Larry , it 's always go , go , go . It 's exhausting . So here we are , on a sinking ship . Who can say that in their lifetime ? What 's funny is I 'm not as frightened about it as I should be . Mainly because what happened last night was way worse than a sinking ship . The four of us met in the dining room for dinner . The one thing I am enjoying about this cruise is the non - stop eating . I 'm usually pretty good about watching what I eat , but it 's so nice to just throw it all out the window for a few days . At my age ( don 't tell anyone , but that would be 45 ) it 's hard to keep the weight off . I know I 'll probably be up more than 5 pounds when I get home , but I don 't care . I don 't usually drink that much , but I partook in a bit too many cocktails this time . It was completely out of character for me . I was feeling no pain and was in the mood to party . I know , " shocking " as Larry would say . The tables seemed to be turned last night . After dinner , the four of us walked over to the discotheque . Or as the kids call it today , the club . We all drank some more , we danced , we laughed , we were having a great time . Until Abigail called it quits . So , it was just the 3 of us . We partied , we drank , we danced some more . And then the shock of the evening came - Larry was tired . He tried to talk me into going back to the cabin , but Jack and I were having way too much fun to call it a night . And then there were two . I 've known Jack for a long time . He 's almost like a brother to me . " Last Dance " by Donna Summer played . It 's the song that always plays when it 's the end of a wedding or a New Year 's celebration . Larry hates that song because it means that the party is over . Usually , I am grateful for it … except tonight . I let my hair down and was having a great time . I realized that I really need this . Jack and I got on the floor . We danced . He spun me around and he pulled me against him . I could feel him against my back . Something was happening and I didn 't know how to stop it . Truth be told , I didn 't want to stop it . We started to kiss , slowly at first . Then it turned passionate . Sex with my husband is great . I 've never had any complaints . But this … feeling . My god , I haven 't felt this in ages . And it was with Jack . I 've never felt an attraction to him before . It never entered my mind . I was a puddle on the floor . I needed to get out of here . I tried to pull myself away from him but when I did , he just followed on my heels , pulling at me . In my defense , I asked him to stop . I begged him to stop . " Jack , please , we can 't do this . What about our spouses , our friends , our children ? Please let me go . " But there was a part of me that didn 't want him to let go . I was feeling more alive , attractive and sexy than I 've felt in years . I felt 18 again , the way we were going at it . I don 't know how , but we found a quiet nook down the corridor . He threw me against the wall , reached up under my skirt , moved my panties to the side and entered me . Just like that . It was over as quickly as it started . It felt good . At the time , I didn 't have any regrets . Until today . When I woke up and realized what I had done , I felt like my world would split in half . If Larry ever found out , he would leave me . My marriage , as I knew it , would be over . I don 't want my marriage to end . I love my husband , I love my family . This would tear us apart . I know I can 't live without Larry . I 'm not sure I could survive it . I woke up with dark thoughts . Larry kissed me good morning . I was feeling a little ill from the effects of the alcohol last night . He wanted to go to breakfast , but I told him I wasn 't feeling very well and that I just wanted to rest . Besides , I couldn 't face either Jack or Abigail . I don 't know how I could face them ever again . After he left , I went into the bathroom and got the bottle of sleeping pills . I couldn 't pull myself out of it . This dread . We live in a small town . What if Jack opened his mouth to even one person ? Word gets around so quickly these days . I couldn 't do that to my kids or to Larry . I poured the entire bottle out onto the bedside table . There was already a glass of water sitting there from last night . I grabbed a handful of pills and was about to throw them into my mouth , when I heard the announcement . " ATTENTION . THERE IS A FIRE IN THE ENGINE ROOM . DO NOT PANIC . EVERYBODY PLEASE MOVE TO THE UPPER DECK FOR FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS . IT SEEMS THAT THE SHIP IS SINKING . " I received the strangest gift for my 21st birthday - a Ouija board . Now I don 't claim to know much about the Ouija board but I will say that I saw " The Exorcist . " I know that if that little girl Regan didn 't mess around with that " game " in her basement , those weird , terrifying things never would have happened to her . But that was just a movie . I also did play with it once . I remember when I was 10 and a bunch of my friends and I were totally into seances and levitation . We were obsessed to the point where we would plan a sleepover every weekend so we could get our crazy on . Once one of these friends brought a Ouija board . We were all intrigued . We sat in a circle with our fingers lightly pressed against the planchette . We would ask it silly questions like " does Billy love Angela ? " It would start to move and we would all peek to see who was making it point to " YES . " It was fun , and I didn 't feel frightened in any way . Anyway , the girl who owned the Ouija board had a story about it . She said that there is no way of getting rid of it once you own one . She claims she was scared of it and before she and her family moved from their old house , she left it behind in the closet for the new homeowners . You know , kind of like a housewarming gift . The funny thing is , when my friend settled into their new home and she was hanging her clothes in her closet , the Ouija board was sitting there on the shelf . In other words , it followed her . It was a creepy story , but I 'm not really sure I believed her . So , I didn 't know what to say to this friend of mine . I thanked her , of course . But it wasn 't exactly the most welcome gift I 've ever received . Here I am with this game that I don 't want and I don 't know what to do with . I mean , I guess I could have fun with it . Call some friends over and recreate the old times . Have a levitation and a seance or two . But that seemed strange . When I got home that day , I Googled " Ouija Board . " The first few hits were basically just definitions . Then there were some Youtube videos of kids and people playing with The Ouija . And some " true " stories of things that happened to people when they played with it . One of the things they always said was to not verbally allow a spirit into the room and to always say " goodbye " before putting it away . Like my 10 year old self , I started to become intrigued . I didn 't really believe that you could communicate with the spirits on the other side with a cardboard game , but my curiosity was piqued . I pulled out the game , dimmed the lights and put my fingers on the planchette . I wasn 't sure what to do , so I asked it if anyone was there . Nothing happened , so I kept repeating my question . After about 15 minutes , the planchette moved to " YES . " I pulled my hands away from it in shock . Then put them back and asked what his name was . After a few moments , the game piece spelled out " L - U - C " and then stopped . I asked if it was a boy or girl . It went to the " G . " Hmm , maybe it is a Lucy . " Are you Lucy ? " I asked it . " No . " I asked what she was doing here . " K - I - L - L . " Totally and completely freaked to my core , I said goodbye and put the game away , deep into the dark recesses of the garage . I have a bit of a problem . I 've had it since I was a kid . It used to drive my mother absolutely bonkers . I 'm very impressionable . In other words , if someone complains of a headache , I will immediately get one . If someone at school has a cold , I will wake up the following day with a sore throat . In high school , there was this girl who turned up pregnant . I swear within a month , I started experiencing pregnancy symptoms and I never even had sex ! So , here I am , sitting on my bed in my room . It dawns on me that I could have been speaking to the devil . And I suddenly remember learning or reading somewhere that the devil is actually a girl . I start to freak out and think that the devil is possessing me . I start to think about Regan and how her bed shook and her room got cold . I was absolutely paralyzed with fear . Yes , I realize I am a 21year old woman and I should know better , but honestly , I did feel cold and shaky . This is when I remembered my book . My mom bought me a self - help book a few years ago about mind control . I try to tell myself that it 's all in my head . After reading my favorite chapter , I felt calm again and realized I was being completely irrational . Now about that Ouija board … it turns out you can dispose of it . I got my dad 's shovel and the game , walked back into the woods and buried that sucker at least a foot under dirt and rock . But I guarantee you , If it shows up on my closet shelf , I will probably die of a heart attack . No , really . I guarantee it . As I sit waiting for my train at the local Amtrak station , I think about how I wound up back here . I was called on by my mother , a mother who was dying . This God - forsaken town is where I grew up and I haven 't been back in years . Memories of my childhood are fairly painful . I can remember praying for the day I turned 18 so I could flee this place . And that 's exactly what I did . Me , a small suitcase and $ 2 , 000 in cash boarded a one - way trip out of here and never looked back . Until now . So , here I am waiting for my train to take me home . The last 3 weeks have been hell on earth . Caring for my sick and dying mother was no picnic in the park . I know this sounds terrible , but I was relieved when she finally passed on . For once in her life she was organized and had her funeral completely planned out , which made her burial quick and seamless . I have left everything else to the sister I never got along with . I don 't care much about getting anything in that house . I just need to get out of here and get home to my husband and children . I am deep in thought when I hear the announcer say something about a train cancellation . I look around frantically , maybe I heard wrong ? Unfortunately , I heard right . It seems my train has been cancelled and won 't be leaving until the next morning . I start to panic . I desperately need to escape this place . I practice the breathing exercises that my therapist taught me when I find myself in this type of situation . After I have calmed down a bit , I walk up to the rental car window and am told that the next available car isn 't for hours . I start to hyperventilate . I am visibly upset and I have gone past the point of no return . It is then that I feel a tap on my shoulder . I look behind me and there is a woman about my age standing there with a huge , friendly smile on her face . My thought is , " what the hell are you so happy about ? " when she says that she is headed in my direction and would like to offer me a ride . At first I am skeptical but then realize I am just being uptight . My therapist told me I need to learn how to trust people . So that 's what I do . I trust this woman and accept her ride . I am overcome with a feeling of relief so powerful I almost cry . We get into her small Ford Fusion and head out to the highway . I realize that it 's going to be a very long drive ahead of us but remind myself that I am at least going in the right direction . My new traveling companion introduces herself as Marcy . During the first 2 hours there is a lot of quiet and little chit - chat , which is completely fine with me . I 'm not much of a talker , especially with strangers . It 's at this time that Marcy decides to start speaking . She tells me she 's going back home after being separated from her husband for 4 months . " Oh , that 's wonderful Marcy . I 'm so happy for you . " I can 't imagine being separated from my husband , so I am genuinely happy for her . Marcy starts to cry . At first , it 's a mellow cry with small , quiet tears . I reach over and pat her shoulder , tell it 's going to be okay . I say that I can imagine how happy she must be to be reuniting with her husband . Then her emotion turns into outright anguish . Sybil - type anguish . I get a chill . " Oh , we aren 't reuniting in the way you are thinking . The bastard doesn 't want me . He said he doesn 't love me anymore and wants a divorce . Just like that , he just doesn 't love me anymore ? " She starts to scratch at her arms . I tell her she should stop but she doesn 't . She just keeps scratching and scratching until she starts to bleed . She starts to scream , " I have done nothing but love him for the last 10 years of my life . When I caught him with that other woman in that restaurant , I just got so upset . I started throwing things , I dumped a glass of ice water over her head , and smashed their dishes on the floor . Then he tries to tell me that I 'm ruining his deal . I 'm ruining his deal ? What about our deal ? " I know it wasn 't my business but I found myself saying , " maybe it was just a business lunch ? " " No , I 'm not buying it . They were laughing like they were lovers . I know that look . We used to have that look . " I 'm starting to realize why her marriage failed . This woman is a kook . She 's absolutely out of her mind . " So , your husband doesn 't know you 're coming then ? " I ask . She snaps her head in my direction and looks at me like I 'm the one who has gone completely mad . " NO , of course not ! " An odd smirk appears on her face , a smirk that gives me the creeps . " I 'm going to surprise him . He is going to get the surprise of his life . " The sky above starts to darken . Within minutes we are in the middle of a terrific thunderstorm . Because this is the kind of month I 've had and I couldn 't imagine it going any other way , the evening gets better . We get a flat tire . I am stuck in the middle of a violent thunderstorm , with a could - be violent woman in the middle of nowhere . I tell her I 'm going to get out and try to flag someone down to help us . She reminds me that there is the potential of getting struck by lightening . I 'm thinking there is less a chance of me getting struck by lightening than her stabbing me to death . But I sit , practice my breathing and wait it out . And listen to what she is planning on doing to her estranged husband . God , I feel like I 'm in a bad horror movie . This can 't be happening to me . All I keep thinking is I have to stay on this woman 's good side , I 'm terrified of pissing her off . And then I think that I have to warn this guy somehow . " What did you say your husband 's name was ? " I ask . " Victor . Victor Paulson . His name is so ugly , isn 't it ? How could I have married a man with such a name ? Victor Paulson . Disgusting . " she sputters with complete venom . I wait a few minutes while I wonder how to get her cell phone from her . Surely , his name has got to be in her contact list . I feign trying to make a phone call with my own cell . I pretend to be making a call to my husband to tell him I 'll be later than I thought . " Oh , damn . My phone has died . Do you mind if I use yours ? " I say . " Oh , of course . " She 's sweet as pie . Like I said , she 's Sybil . I casually take her cell phone from her , but feel anything but casual . On the inside I am a crumbling mess , but I try to keep it together . I look through her contact list as quickly as I can , locate Victor 's number and commit it to memory . It is here and now that I am grateful that I have comfortable shoes on and am in good shape . I reach in the back for my suitcase , open the door and make a run for it . The weather has lightened up some so I no longer fear getting electrocuted . Although that thought is much more welcoming than the thought of sitting in the car with that looney bin one more minute . After I 've gotten far enough away from her , I do what I haven 't done since I was a teen . I stick out my thumb and start to hitchhike all while I 'm making a phone call to the one and only Victor . After years of unhappiness , you 've finally had enough and have decided to quit - but we 're not talking about your job . Write a letter of resignation to someone other than your employer - your school , your family , your favorite sports team , etc . Dear Flo , You and I are done . We have been " friends " since I was 14 years old and I just can 't take you anymore . From day one you have caused me tremendous pain . I thought as we matured , you would improve . Behave better , treat me with kindness . But no . You wouldn 't give me a break . Even though we only saw each other about a dozen times a year , you couldn 't treat me with respect ? You couldn 't just come and hang out ? No , you had to make yourself known . You were loud . You were obnoxious . You were cruel . Everyone knew you were here , even when I tried to keep you under wraps . You embarrassed me more than once . At school , at work , out in public , anywhere you could . I don 't know why I put up with you for so long . Actually , that 's not true . I know why … because I needed you . I was dependent on you . As much as I loathed you , I respected you on some level , you were essential . Without you , I wouldn 't be who I am today . I have a confession to make … I used you . I got what I wanted and then disposed of you . You see , I saw a doctor about you and it turns out , you were bad for my health . We both agreed that you needed to be terminated . So goodbye Flo , I wish I could say it was nice . But to be honest with you , it just really wasn 't . I happily say goodbye to embarrassing moments , cramping , bloating , anemia , hemorrhaging and pain . Enjoy your after - life . Wherever that may be . I really don 't care , as long as it isn 't here with me . It was nice while it lasted . No , no , it wasn 't . I don 't know why I said that . You 're walking home from work one night and taking shortcuts through a labyrinth of dark city alleyways to meet someone on time . Suddenly , a stranger parts the shadows in front of you , comes close and asks you to hold out your palm . You oblige . Only people who know the city well should do what I do when I 'm in a rush to meet someone . As is my usual practice , I am running late . Although , in my defense , this time it really isn 't my fault . I was wrapping up at work and getting ready to leave at five o ' clock on the dot , when my boss asked me to make some last minute changes to a document . I had plans for months to meet my friend Julie for dinner tonight . Julie is someone I met long ago at a time when things weren 't going so well in my life . She basically brought me back up to the surface . So when we can schedule in some time to see each other , I don 't want to have to reschedule if I can help it . That 's why I took every back alleyway I could to Connolly 's , the pub we actually met at over 23 years ago , so I could get there on time . Because it was the dead of winter , it gets completely pitch black by 5pm . The shortcuts I take are dark and devoid of people . It 's downright scary walking this way alone . My dad bought me a can of Mace a few months ago and it is in these times that I keep it wrapped tightly in my fist . I 'm in the back alley somewhere between 7th and 8th Avenue , when I hear a rustle . I 'm not very courageous so I don 't stop to try to find what it is . Suddenly I see something move in the corner of my eye . I know it 's not a rat because it 's far larger than that . As the image and sound gets closer , I move faster . All of a sudden it comes out of the shadows and steps directly in my path , preventing me from going any further . I immediately hold up my Mace and point it toward his face . He holds up his hand . " No , please . I come in peace . I mean you no harm . " What is this ? This guy sounds like he came out of a different era with his speech . I stop dead in my tracks and pull the Mace away from him but still keep it where he can see it . I can 't see his face because he has a black hood pulled down over his eyes . " What do you want ? " I ask . " Please , listen to me . Hold out your palm , " he replies . With my empty hand , I very shakily and slowly hold it out , palm up . He careful places something in my hand . And as quickly as he appeared , he was gone . Just like one of those stealth ninja guys . I look down and see that he has placed a business size card in my hand . I pull out my iPhone and turn on my flashlight app to see what it says . " Are you friggin ' kidding me ? " I say out loud . I try calling her on my phone but I am immediately forwarded to her voicemail . " I 'm going to kill her . " I stand there for a minute deciding if I want to play along or turn around and just go home . I decide I have nothing better to do so why not ? It 's a Friday night anyway . After a few minutes of reading the clue aloud , I figure out what my next step is . An hour and a half and 5 clues later , I find myself in front of Obao Restaurant , my favorite spot . The doorman hands me my last clue . It says that I found my destination . I am full of mixed feelings … happiness , exhaustion and , if possible , a little bit of annoyance . I open the door and am led to a back room . It is in this moment I realize that I have been completely fooled . Every person who means something to me is in this room and they all yell " SURPRISE " at the same time . Julie throws her arms around me and whispers " Happy Birthday " in my ear . Standing next to her is Jim who says , " I come in peace . " Son of a bitch . I 'll get him … You 're at your favorite department store buying a birthday present for a friend . As the cashier gives you change , you notice a message with specific instructions scribbled on one of the bills . What do the instructions say ? Do you carry them out and , if so , how ? Stella needed a gift for a friend . A birthday gift to be exact , for her best friend , Carol . At 54 , Stella has perfected the art of gift - giving and she takes pride in every present she purchases or makes for people . She is now on Day 4 of the hunt for Carol 's gift . " Bloomie 's . Bloomie 's will have what I need . I don 't know why I didn 't think of that from the start , " she mutters to herself as she drives in that direction . Carol had recently lost a lot of weight and is in the process of creating a new wardrobe for herself . Stella remembers this and heads directly to the Misses Department . She remarks to no one in particular that she thinks it 's clever that they call it the " Misses " department . She sure doesn 't feel like a misses these days , but doesn 't mind shopping like one . After 4 long days , it takes her approximately 5 minutes to find what she is looking for in Bloomingdale 's . A maxi - dress made of the softest material and is the perfect color for Carol 's skin tone . She knows she 'll love it and will get great joy wearing it this summer . She brings the item to the register , saying that she " will not be needing a gift receipt because I am THAT confident that my friend will love the dress . " The cashier looks at her with complete indifference and says , " that will be $ 164 . 99 please . " Stella hands her $ 200 in cash . When the cashier gives her the change , Stella notices that there is a message on the ten dollar bill . She reaches into her bag for her reading glasses and sets them on her nose . She reads it and says a bit too loudly , " oh damn , not one of these again ? " Stella is not a fan of these messages . To her , they are like a chain letter and we all know what chain letters mean if you don 't do as they say . She should know because the first time she received a chain letter , it promised a life of doom and bad luck for the recipient if not followed . She remembers laughing at the absurdity of it , ripping it up and tossing it into the trash . The next day she slipped and scraped her knee going out to her car , found out one of her favorite stores had closed its doors , and then proceeded to get into a car accident . It was just a fender bender , but an accident nonetheless . Ever since that incident , she begrudgingly follows through . She has become superstitious . Knock on wood . It drives her husband crazy . He says it was just a coincidence , but she knows better . The message says she doesn 't have much time to accomplish this task so she starts to think fast . She calls her husband and tells him that she won 't be home for dinner . In fact , she 's not sure how late she 'll be so don 't wait up for her . " She finds her car in the parking lot and takes Rte . 101 toward Hollywood . Stella 's husband , John , settles on the couch to watch the 11 o ' clock news . John never misses the news . He likes to keep up on current events both internationally and locally . And of course , the weather . The man needs to know the weather about as much as he needs his right arm . Just as he starts to wonder where his wife is , there is a breaking news report . It seems there is some kind of ruckus in Hollywood . " Oh come on , don 't tell me the kids are climbing that damn Hollywood sign again , " John says to himself . " When will they learn ? Stupid damn kids . " " IT WOULD APPEAR THAT A WOMAN WHO LOOKS TO BE IN HER FIFTIES , HAS CLIMBED THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN AND IS STANDING IN THE SECOND " O " SINGING WHAT WOULD SOUND LIKE TO BE THE THEME SONG TO " THE SOUND OF MUSIC . " SHE ALSO APPEARS TO BE IN THE NUDE . WE WILL KEEP YOU ABREAST OF ANY NEW DEVELOPMENTS . BACK TO YOU CHUCK . " The helicopter hovering overhead is shining its ' light on the subject . The camera hones in on the woman 's face . " Stella ? ? ? What the hell ? Have you gone and lost your damn mind ? " John screams at the television . He grabs his keys , gets into his car and drives the usually 20 minute ride doing close to 80 miles per hour . When he gets there , he explains that he is the spouse of the crazy lady on the sign . They have rescued her by now and have her covered with a blanket . They are preparing to place her into the back of the police cruiser . John rushes up and demands an explanation . She is smiling and holds out her left hand to him , which is closed tight around something . She unfolds her hand and gives the object to him . As she gets into the car and the police take off , John looks at what she has handed him . It is a wadded up ten dollar bill with a message . " Yup Stella , you stupid fool , you 've done it again . This time you 've completely misunderstood the entire message " John sighs . He gets into his car and heads for the station . He knows it 's going to be a long night with a lot of explanation . Roy Hinkley , otherwise known as " The Professor " has died at his home on Grass Hut Lane on an Uncharted Island Somewhere in the South Pacific . He died from complications of syphilis after finally succumbing to Ginger Grant 's advances . His death occurred on January 22 , 1972 . News was received via " message in a bottle " style and took over 40 years to be found . Although he has been gone for more than 4 decades , we feel a deep loss and will be missed by many . Before the ill - fated 3 - hour tour , Roy was a high school teacher in Cleveland , Ohio where he taught science . He also dabbled in botany and was an inventor . He was handy with coconuts and bamboo but was unable to devise a way to get off the island . Or even fix the ship , for that matter . Although he was a very dashing looking man , he didn 't seem to know the first thing about women . He made up for that by being a deep thinker , an avid reader , a staunch leader and a loyal friend . Still , he couldn 't figure out how to get them all off a deserted island . He toured the house with the real estate agent . " I love it , " he said . " Is there anything we should know about the house 's past ? The agent looked down . " Yes ? Is there a problem ? " Tom asks . Tom and Melissa had been looking for the perfect house for well over a year . This would be their first home together as a married couple . The first year of their marriage was off to a rough start . Melissa 's illness almost prevented them from being wed at all , so this home needs to be absolutely perfect . This house has it all : Queen Anne style Victorian with a turret , rounded wrap around porch complete with a painted ceiling the color of the summer 's sky , and a kitchen that would make Emeril jealous . The backyard is filled with spectacular flowers of all kinds . Every color in the rainbow . " Melissa will love it , I know she will , " Tom mutters to himself as he roams from room to room . The realtor looked up with a sheepish look in her eyes . " Well , it could or could not be a problem depending on your beliefs . " Tom was pretty sure she was going to tell him it was haunted . He rolled his eyes at the thought . " A little boy died in this home in 1848 . He fell down a flight of stairs which resulted in a broken neck . It is said that he roams the house in the night . But don 't worry , he supposedly is a nice ghost . " " Really ? That 's it ? " asked Tom . " There 's more , " replied Joan . " It is said he was pushed by his father , who , in turn , hung himself in the foyer . Legend has it that his wife died the year prior and he wanted the family to be together again . The father is not pleasant . As a ghost , I mean . He can make life pretty miserable . " Tom couldn 't believe what he was hearing . He thought it was utter bullshit . He believed that someone died here , and was pretty sure he could prove it by looking at the microfiche at the library , but haunted ? He was having a hard time believing that for even a minute . Tom wonders what Melissa would think about that for a moment and decides that if she knew , she wouldn 't want the house . But this house is perfect and there is no such thing as ghosts , so he makes the decision to go forward with an offer . Makes the decision for the both of them , since she was too sick to come . " Don 't you think you should discuss it with Melissa first ? " asks Joan . " No , I know she would love this home . This is the one , I can feel it . She will fall head over heels . " And he is right . After the closing , they drive over to their new house , Melissa is immediately smitten . She can 't believe their good fortune . She wonders for a moment why they got such a great deal on this magnificent home , but doesn 't let the thought linger for too long . They reach the front door and Tom lifts his bride to carry her over the threshold . He throws open the door , and it is in that moment he realizes he made a mistake . Their excitement for their new home immediately vanishes and fear enters their lives . A deep fear that even rivals that of the diagnosis of Melissa 's disease . A knock at the door catches you off guard . Upon answering it , you 're greeted by a man who says he 's from the future - and he can prove it . More important , he says he has information that will save your life . This is not a good day . It 's not even close to a good day . It 's the kind of day you wish you could start over and plan every moment yourself . It started with a strange dream last night . It was one of those dreams that seemed so real that you had to think long and hard to determine if it really happened or not . This dream not only felt real , but scared the living hell out of me . Although it was Wednesday and I should be working , I decided to call in sick . I can 't put my finger on it , maybe it was my dream but I just don 't feel right . Besides the weather outside is practically monsoon - style . I 'm not really in the mood to be on the road with all the other idiots ( me included ) who slam their brakes if it so much as sprinkles . Then I get a phone call that was on the other side of weird . Actually , I received a couple of phone calls . The first one was just a hang up . No big deal , it happens . Then when the phone rang again a few minutes later , there was a man on the other end looking for me . I don 't know if the call was from the same guy or not , but if it was , he hung up again after he received acknowledgement that he had the right person . Now I am , as my 14 year old niece would say , " legit freaked out . " I pour myself a cup of coffee and sit at the dinette in my small kitchen and try to concentrate on reading the newspaper . When I unfold it , the headline reads , " MISSING WOMAN FOUND DEAD . " Next to the article , there is a photo of me . I don 't read the article , mainly because I am officially on the verge of a breakdown . I fold the paper back up and start to pace . I can feel the panic rise up from my toes all the way to the follicles in my head . My entire body starts to shake uncontrollably . I run to the hall mirror to take a look at myself . Besides being as white as a new sheet of paper , I am here . I pinch myself for clarification and I am most definitely here . What the hell is going on ? I am feeling a combination of dread , disbelief and utter confusion . I run back to the paper to look again , except that the headline I read two minutes ago has disappeared and has been replaced with , " TROPICAL STORM BETTY HEADING OUR WAY . " Have I completely lost my mind ? I can 't seem to control the thoughts in my head . I start to bite my nails , which is strange because I am not a nail biter . I am so scared and suddenly exhausted so I lie down on the couch and pull the blanket over me . I am just going to close my eyes for a minute . I don 't know how long I slept , but I am suddenly jolted awake by a loud knock on the door . When I answer it , I am greeted by a man dressed in a black trench coat and matching fedora . There was something kind and trusting about his face . I went against everything my mother ever told me about strangers and let this man into the foyer to get him out of the storm . When he spoke my name , I realized it was the same man who had called me on the phone a couple of hours ago . " I 'm sorry , do I know you ? " " I am from your future and I 've come to deliver a message , " he replied . Oh God , here we go . " Excuse me ? I don 't understand what you mean . I don 't think you have the right house . You should leave before I call the police . " He said , " Please , you must believe me . I can prove to it to you . " He proceedes to describe the strange dream I had last night in vivid detail . I ask him about the newspaper article . He said , " the article and your dream are one in the same . " He followed it up by telling me that it was going to come true if I didn 't listen to him and change the chain of events that would lead to my death . Who is this guy ? Is he like a Nostradamus or something ? I look around for cameras . Am I on some Candid Camera type of show ? Am I being " Punked . " But what is happening to me right now is more like The Twilight Zone . I 'm expecting Rod Serling to step out of the shadows any minute . I start to shake and suddenly feel the urge to vomit . He leads me to the couch . I am surprisingly not afraid of this man . There is this inexplicable feeling of overwhelming trust , in lieu of everything that has happened this morning , I also get the feeling that I don 't have much of a choice . I am on a train , one of those commuter trains that takes you to and from the city . I look around and notice that I seem to be the only person here . Even though I am wearing my earbuds , there is no sound coming out . All I hear is the " clack clack clack " of the train running down the tracks . It 's daytime but the lights inside the car keep blinking on and off , almost strobe - like . Suddenly , I hear the heavy door between the cars ahead of me open and close and a woman comes running down the aisle , her arms outstretched . She is screaming and begs me to help her . As she gets closer , I notice that this woman is me . And there is blood streaming down her face . I look down and notice that there are pools of blood in the palms of my hands . I open my mouth and try to scream , but no sound escapes me . I hear a phone ringing again , except this time it 's my cell . It 's my new boyfriend , Alex . I am so relieved to see his name pop up across the screen that I excuse myself from my man of the future and answer quickly with a breathy " hello . " " Hi babe , it 's me . I have a great plan for the weekend . Pack your bags . I 'm taking you into the city , we 'll take the train . " When I look across the room for my man from the future , he is gone . |
Ted 's coughing is better . His back is a little better but still hurts . My back is a thousand times worse . I can 't believe how much pain I 'm in . He took me to the chiropractor this afternoon , and then we had to go to the hospital for x - rays . Vicodin does nothing , except give me weird dreams . I just want to go to sleep and wake up when I 'm feeling better . Around noon on Saturday I had to take Ted to the chiropractor for an emergency appointment . He was in absolute misery . Ted asked me to go in with him . His chiropractor is just WONDERFUL ! He 's often told Ted that if he has a problem on the weekend , to just call him at home , so that 's what he did . The dr told Ted that he would meet us at the office . This was the first time I 'd ever been in a chiropractor 's office , so I was rather interested in what was going on . The doctor explained each and every thing to me and it was really quite amazing . The table stood straight up , then Ted leaned against it with his feet on a metal plate . The doctor then pressed a button and made the table go to the horizontal position . Watching the doctor use his different tools on Ted 's back was really something . Heck , even Ted doesn 't get to see it because he 's face down on the table ! The doctor even used one of the instruments on my hand so I could see how it felt . . . 68 pounds of pressure per square inch ! I learned a lot from that visit and of course commented to the doctor about how I 'd never had to visit a chiropractor 's office . He said that some people get through life without that visit . By the time Ted and I left , he was feeling MUCH better ! That night we were watching the movie " Twister " for the umpteenth time and I felt a little uncomfortableness on the right side of my lower back . Within an hour , I was in pain . And it was not fun . I must have twisted something without realizing it and it has been causing me incredible discomfort and pain since then . By last night Ted was telling me that I really needed to go see Dr . Bill , his chiropractor . I told him I was worried . I admitted to him that the whole idea of that table moving really freaked me out , and there was NO WAY I could handle the movement from vertical to horizontal . Fortunately Ted understood my fear , and said that he would talk to Dr . Bill about it at his appointment today . Then he told me that I wasn 't going to be able to go to school today . I told him that I had to go to schoolPosted by After we had dated for a little over a year , we needed to prepare for a challenge . I would be leaving home and going to the main campus of the college branch I attended . Even though it was a little over an hour away , we would be apart . On one hand , I looked forward to the experience of being away from home and having to be responsible for myself . On the other hand , I was really going to miss Ted a LOT ! We 'd spent so much time together that it was going to be very difficult to be apart . However , I knew that we would be able to get through it . . . somehow . Although I was going to be going through a big change ( a new place to live , new classes , being more responsible for things , just having to grow up , being without Ted on a daily basis ) , Ted 's life was going to change in only one way : I was not going to be right there and he would have to get along without me for a while . We knew we weren 't going to break up . That just wasn 't an option . We were way too in love to even consider that . We were going to try our best to stay in contact as much as possible . Keep in mind that this was L O N G before cell phones and computers . Long distance phone calls were expensive , so we couldn 't just call each other at the drop of a hat . We couldn 't text each other . We couldn 't send email back and forth several times a day . And we certainly couldn 't meet on any type of messenger service online . Nope , we were going to have to rely on writing letters and an occasional phone call ! And that 's what we did . There was a big blue mailbox one building away from the apartment I shared with a couple other girls . The mail pick up time was posted as 5 : 00 pm . And I took that to MEAN 5 : 00 pm . Not 4 : 59 , and not 5 : 02 , but FIVE O ' CLOCK P . M . That means that I had to have my letter to Ted IN THAT BOX by5 : 00 . I didn 't want to seal the envelope until right before 5 : 00 in case I had something else to add to the letter , so I was always cutting it close . I needed to make sure that I had stamps and envelopes all the time , necessary items if you 're going to be writing lettPosted by Paulie , you 've mentioned the layouts on my blog and I want to address your questions . Yes , I changed to the green thing recently . I had seen it on someone 's blog and really liked it . I worked on it and thought it was . . . . okay . . . . then sort of changed my mind . I didn 't care for it as much as I originally thought I would . Then earlier this week , I went back to a layout that Blogger has . I 'm not all the crazy about it , but it 's alright . I guess I just haven 't seen anything that really excites me . There wasn 't anything wrong with the pink that I had before , but the green one I saw really struck me . I suppose I could go back to the pink , but now I 'm sort of on the look out for something different . I 'm sure that you can change things around a lot with what Blogger gives you to work with , but I just haven 't taken the time to delve into it too deeply . Maybe that 's a project I can work on over spring break ! Anyway Paulie , thank you for noticing and commenting ! Today I was planning on writing the next chapter in the " Cindi and Ted " story , but instead it 's a very BRIEF installment in the " What could go wrong NOW ? " story . Alex and I were both home today as there was no school anywhere in the county due to the snow that we got . Joey is always home on Fridays , as he has no classes on Fridays . Of course Ted was here . I called the doctor 's office for Ted to see if the report came back yet about the blood work and / or the x - ray from yesterday . The nurse called back to tell him that his blood work was just fine but his x - ray report may not be back until Monday . Then Ted was in another room and moved suddenly , and his back went out . When that happens , he 's absolutely miserable . Today was no different . So in addition to wheezing , coughing , being short of breath , and just feeling generally LOUSY , his back is out of alignment . I suggested that I call the chiropractor for him to see if he could get in today and he bellowed , I mean he nicely suggested , that I wait to see if he could straighten up first . After a couple of hours of moaning and groaning , I told him that I was calling . He said that I probably should . ( Didn 't I want to do that originally ? ? ) I called and the receptionist said that he should come up right away . When I told him that , he BELLOWED again , I mean he nicely mentioned , that he needed to get his shoes on . After he did that , I asked if he wanted me to drive him and he said YES . ( Darn it , I should have taken that mind reading class in college . ) Off we went . He was in there for about 25 minutes , and when he came out he said he felt much better . I didn 't go in with him because I knew we were in a hurry and I didn 't take the time to change from sweat pants into jeans and I also didn 't change from my slippers to real shoes . Besides , he and the chiropractor spend a lot of time together and I thought he could handle it , which he did . When we got home , Alex said that the doctor 's office had called and said that his x - ray report came back just fine . It didn 't show anything out of the Posted by I 've been a little " on edge " for the past few days . I attribute it partially to the fact that Ted is still , yes STILL under the weather . Another reason is that I had an appointment with my oncologist this afternoon . Even two and a half years after my colon cancer diagnosis , these appointments can really rattle me . Dr . R , my oncologist , is a great doctor and he has always made me feel good when we talk , however , he IS an oncologist and my visits to him are a constant and continual reminder that I 've had cancer . Hopefully the time will come when I don 't think about cancer each and every day . I can be doing something here at home or at work , and suddenly it just POPS into my head . I realize that I 'm extremely fortunate , having made it through the surgeries and the chemo successfully , but the thoughts are still always there . I had to take the afternoon off of school because of my appointment . Last week our regular doctor said he wanted a phone call about Ted this week , so I sat down to make the call right after I got home , since I had a little bit of time before I needed to leave . I told the nurse that he is a little better , but is still coughing , wheezing , short of breath , and goes back and forth between feeling a little better and feeling lousy . She told me that Ted would need to come back in so they made an appointment for him for this afternoon . In fact , our appointments were at almost the same time and in buildings next door to each other . We drove over together and each went our own ways . My appointment went GREAT ! In fact , my oncologist thinks I 'm doing so well that he has now promoted me to the " SIX MONTH " visitation schedule ! ! Just last summer he moved me to the four month schedule and now another move in the right direction ! I was so relieved . He went over some numbers from my blood work and was very pleased , as was I . It was a great visit ! Of course it started off well when the phlebotomist was again successful at getting blood out of me . She is so good with my terrible veins . I told Dr . R thPosted by We 've had a fair amount of snow here lately and it 's been so pretty at times . I love seeing the big flakes coming down and occasionally it starts coming down fast and thick and it 's almost a white out . But the best part for me is when it 's dark , yet everything seems so light as the moon reflects off the snow . It seems so bright . I also love it when you step outside and just listen . Everything is sooooooo quiet . I know absolutely NOTHING about science , but I do know that there is a scientific explanation for what you hear . . . or don 't hear . Each sound seems so crisp , yet so quiet . I don 't know if the sound is absorbed by the snow or if it bounces off the snow , but I just know that it 's a type of " quiet " that can 't be replicated in any other way , and I really love it . Seeing freshly fallen snow , with no grass peaking through , no footsteps , and no tire tracks . . . . wow , it 's almost indescribable . I love seeing that . Where we live now is just outside the city limits . Although there are some houses nearby , it 's by no means crowded with houses on top of each other . Occasionally we have deer go through our yard to the fields around us . What I would really love to see is a deer bounding through our snowy backyard , with the moonlight reflecting off the snow . I 'm sure it would be just beautiful . Those of you who know me are probably thinking , " What 's up with her and this post ? ? " But that 's okay . . . it 's just something I 've been thinking about lately as we 've seen the snow fall , accumulate , blow around , melt , and then start all over again . Snow . . . . it can be so pretty sometimes . As I 've mentioned before , we are NASCAR fans . Sunday we watched the season opening Daytona 500 together ; not just the race , but the pre - race stuff too . Although it was the 50th running of the race , they spent way too much time going over the same stuff again and again , showing the same clips , playing the same interviews . Just once would have been plenty . Yes , it was sad that Dale Earnhardt died during the last lap of the 2001 Daytona 500 , but let the man rest in peace now . I think if it 's only mentioned a couple of times during each race and pre - race show , that would be fine . They could have easily cut the pre - race stuff down to an hour . . . EASILY . Trisha Yearwood was there to sing the National Anthem . She did a fantastic job of it . She didn 't try to doctor it up with riffs and extra stuff . She didn 't try to draw it out to a 12 minute song . She sang it straight and to the point , and it sounded wonderful . Darrell Waltrip . . . good old Darrell Waltrip . . . I normally like the guy , but it just wasn 't his best day in the broadcast booth as far as I 'm concerned . And the " group " command of " Gentlemen , start your engines " is great when it 's done by one person , but when you want all the past winners of the race to do it , it just doesn 't come off very well . In the past few years the directors have struggled somewhat . It seems that they can 't get to any on - track action quick enough and we just miss seeing things by a split second . Sunday 's race was no exception . I only heard one reference to the fact that Dale Jarrett is retiring after the fifth race of this season , and heading into broadcasting , but a couple of UPS commercials drove the point home . I 've always liked Dale Jarrett and think that he not only has done a lot for the sport , but has remained a good role model for the younger drivers . It did not fall on deaf ears , however , when Dale Earnhardt Jr . once again made it clear that he 's having a WONDERFUL time at Hendrick MotorSports . I 'm sure that his step - mother Teresa noticed it too . I 'm not getting involved in their issues , but JrPosted by Before you knew it , I was beginning my second year in college and Ted was going to continue to work for his dad on the family seed corn farm . I was very fortunate that I was attending a local college branch and would be living at home . Although a lot of my time was going to be taken up with going to classes and studying , however , there would definitely be time left for Ted ! We settled into a routine of seeing each other on the weekends and once in a while during the week . I had some classes in the evenings , so we needed to work around that . On the nights that we didn 't see each other , we would talk on the phone after I got home from class . We seemed to go to a lot of movies back then . . . in fact , the first movie we went to see was the original " Star Wars " movie less than two weeks after our first date . I didn 't understand it then , and I certainly don 't understand it now ! I 'm not a science fiction buff by any means , so most of it went right over my head ! Other than movies , we would either watch TV at his house or my house . . . spend some time with some friends , go out for dinner . . . things like that . Just typical date things . As long as we were together , we were happy . Not too long after I first met his brother Tim , he decided to leave his job in the newspaper press room and begin working on the family seed corn farm . Ted would spend the day working with his brother , so that was nice for the two of them and for their dad . Throughout that first fall and into the winter we would spend Sundays at Ted 's parents ' house . In a rather small TV room six adults would watch the Cleveland Browns football games . It was Ted and me , Tim , Patty , and Holly , and Peg and her boyfriend Mac . Ted 's parents would usually stop in and say hi , then go on about their business . There just wasn 't enough space in that room for anymore people , and they didn 't have an TV in the bigger living room . Fortunately Holly was under the age of two and usually took naps during the games . We really got loud though , always rooting our beloved Browns on ! That November , Posted by It 's been a while since I 've written a chapter in " our " story , so a brief review may be in order . Ted and I knew who each other was ( is that proper grammar ? or should it be " were ? " whatever . . . ) in high school . However , we didn 't get together until a friend we have in common , Jim , arranged a date for us . We went to a concert with Jim and his date and had a great time . Then we started seeing each other pretty often , getting to know one another . This is Jim with his young son Justin , taken in the mid ' 80s . Check out that great smile of Jim 's . . . and his son is just a DOLL ! Jim just happens to be Ron 's younger brother . Readers of this blog may remember that Ron and his wife Nora live in Texas , but were here in Ohio in July for his and Ted 's class reunion . Ron and Ted have been great friends since elementary school , and even though Ron moved to Texas , have stayed in touch over the years . Jim moved to Texas first , followed by Ron soon thereafter . They felt that there were more opportunities for them there . So back to our story . . . . Ted had told me all about his family , but I hadn 't met any of them . About a month into our " dating " we had gone out to a band show in a nearby community . I was still interested in seeing marching bands in action and since I was getting a little older , really enjoyed watching them as opposed to marching in them ! After the band show , he calmly suggested we stop by his brother 's house . OH MAN . I quickly tried to pull up everything I could remember about his brother , from my memory bank . Let 's see . . . he was 5 years older than Ted , married to an italian woman , had a 1 year old daughter , and worked for our local newspaper in the pressroom . I was getting more and more nervous as we were getting nearer to their house . We pulled up , and there was an additional car in the driveway . " That 's my mom 's car , " Ted said . WHAT ? ! ? ! I 'm going to meet his MOTHER too ? ? ? This might be too much for me . I took a deep breath , and decided that it would be fine . . . really . . . . well , maybe . . . then that old adage , " you can only make ONE fPosted by Happy Valentine 's Day to everyone ! I have a few comments on that , but need to mention a few other things before I do . First things first . . . . we had school today , yippeeeee ! ! ! ! So Terre , from your lips to our superintendent 's ears ! It was a rather confusing day , with everyone thinking it was Monday , instead of Thursday , but we 'll all get it worked out . It was just nice to be able to go back . There is , however , a rumor floating around that there 's going to be snow again next week . That 's fine with me , but just don 't let it be so much that it will cancel school ! Secondly , Ted Jolie is no more . His first comment this morning was , " I 'm afraid to look in the mirror . I may see Jimmy Durante ! " ( For those of you who don 't know who Jimmy Durante is , you 'll have to do a little research on your own ! ) Fortunately everything on his face is normal sized right now . He 's still coughing a lot and can 't get a deep breath , but he 's feeling a little bit better . If this keeps up , he may get to go to work next week . I think he missed Alex and me today , since we were both back at school , but that 's okay . He was able to get along just fine without us . Now , for Valentine 's Day . . . I hope all of you have a great day filled with love , either from a loved one , a pet , or yourself ! We have friends who were actually married on Valentine 's Day , so Happy 27th Anniversary Mario and Vickie ! Mario is the contractor who built our house , and two years ago , for their 25th anniversary , he was spending a lot of time here . I was giving him suggestions for a nice gift for her . . . something along the jewelry line , but he just seemed to have a problem with the beautiful ring I had seen at a local jewelry shop . He liked the idea of the three diamonds ( past , present , and future ) . He liked the idea of it being platinum . He liked the idea that it came from a local shop , and not " the mall . " HOWEVER , he wasn 't too crazy about the price . . . $ 32 , 000 . I really can 't say as I blame him ! He did end up getting her a very nice necklace at the jewelry shop though , and she was veryPosted by Oh my . . . . Ted started some different medication last night and he has had some kind of a reaction to it . It 's really not funny , but I 'm finding it hysterical , and to be honest , so is he . This morning he said , " Look at my lips . LOOK AT MY LIPS ! " I looked at them , then really looked at them . I started to smile and he said , " It looks like I 've had freaking BOTOX ! " I told him that his lips looked like Angelina Jolie 's . They 're all puffy and swollen . Once we stopped laughing about it , I called the doctor 's office , and the poor receptionist was laughing so hard about the Angelina Jolie reference that she could barely talk to the nurse . Anyway , the nurse said that he was to discontinue the new antibiotic and check the pharmacy this afternoon for a different one . This whole sickness has been so hard on Ted . I feel so bad for him . However , something good has come from this . He and I both believe in " signs . " We are approaching the four year anniversary of his dad 's death . My father in law died of lung cancer , and had smoked rather heavily for 60 years . Ted is also a smoker . He tried to really cut back after his knee surgery last April , especially since his orthopaedic surgeon said that if he didn 't quit , he 'd be dead in 10 years . Ted did well for a month or so , then gradually started smoking more and more until he was almost back at his pre - surgery frequency . Although I 've never smoked , I can completely understand the addiction . Afterall , I 'm addicted to food , and I readily admit it . He 's felt so lousy that he hasn 't gone outside for a cigarette in over a week and a half . After a couple days , his comment was , " Don 't get excited . . . I haven 't quit . " But for the past 4 or 5 days , he 's said , " That 's it . I 'm done with smoking . " Thank goodness ! ! I know this will be a difficult journey for him , but the boys and I will support him in every way possible . I 'm SO proud of him for wanting to do this ! He and I both feel that this is a sign from his dad and he 's really taking heed . Changing the subject here , yes , it 's the middle of the day , and I 'm wrPosted by ( For those of you looking for the next chapter in the " Cindi and Ted " story , stay tuned . . . it 's coming very soon ! ) Well , this is it as far as freebies are concerned . If we have another snow day this week , then we will need to make it up on Monday , Presidents ' Day . We really did get a fair amount of snow . In fact , it 's still snowing lightly right now , at 4 : 00 pm , and it began sometime during the night . Alex didn 't have school either , and even Joey 's college classes were cancelled . Of course Ted is still home , still sick . So sick , in fact , that we went back to the doctor again this morning . He 's on a " big gun " antibiotic , as the doctor says , along with something different for the coughing . His coughing is absolutely horrendous , yet he still thinks that he may go to work tomorrow . Nope , not gonna happen . I seriously doubt if he 'll go at all this week . He 's feeling a lot of guilt about that , but there 's no sense in going if he can 't do the work . I understand that he " thinks " he 's letting everyone there down , but come on . . . they 'll really be upset with him if they catch what he has ! I did some cooking and cleaning yesterday , but today I haven 't done much of anything except take Ted to the doctor in the snow . Oh well , that 's the way it goes sometimes ! I could really handle taking a short nap , but I doubt that will happen . Pepina has become very attached to me lately for some reason or another . She was sleeping on my shoulder last night , but had to get down when I had to get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night . When I came out of the bathroom , there she was , waiting for me on the bed . She tried to settle back into her spot on my shoulder before I could even lie down . She 's meandering around my ankles right now as I type . If I leave to go anywhere , she hears the garage door open and close and waits for me at the back door . Such feline dedication . . . I love it ! Well , it 's off to either start dinner . . . or take a nap ! So technically it 's really not a SNOW day , but it 's a COLD day . There 's no snow on the ground , but with the wind chill it was down to about - 15 earlier this morning . We started off last night with a 2 hour delay for this morning . That was reported close to 9 : 00 pm . By around 10 : 20 last night , it turned into NO SCHOOL . It was sooooooooo windy yesterday and into last night , and through early this morning . Right now it 's up to 8 degrees ( above zero ) and with the wind chill it 's - 5 . Here in Ohio we are granted FIVE calamity days that do NOT need to be made up . Anything over and above that alotted FIVE , does need to be made up . We are at number four today . Of course NO ONE wants to finish a school year with any UNused calamity days . . . they 're like a little bonus ! Now we 're getting into that gray area though , where we 'll still take them , but let 's be careful how they 're used , because we do NOT want to use more than 5 . It 's not fun when the beginning of June arrives and we 're making up days . One year we had a terrible ice storm on January 2 while we were still off for Christmas break . The ice then turned to snow and it stayed so cold that the snow wouldn 't melt , and the ice was still underneath it . We ended up having an additional TWO WEEKS off because of that ! We ended up with a Christmas break that lasted four weeks and it was awful ! We also had a few other snow days thrown in throughout the winter and we only took Good Friday off for Easter to make some of them up . Well today I 'm going to try to use my day in a productive fashion . I might clean the bedroom . . . or I might not . I might do some cooking . . . or I might not . I might try to straighten up and organize the den . . . or I might not . I might do some more laundry . . . or I might not . Or I might not do anything . Tough choice . Call us rednecks if it makes you feel better , but WE are NASCAR fans ! Last night was the Bud Shootout , which is the first race of the season . It is , however , NOT a points race . The only drivers who can participate are those who earned a pole position last year , in addition to the previous winners of the Bud Shootout and the old Busch Clash . Last night was special for another reason too . It was the first NASCAR event since Dale Earnhardt Jr . left the company his late father founded , DEI ( Dale Earnhardt Incorporated ) and began driving for Rick Hendrick of Hendrick Motor Sports . This was a decision that Jr . made late last spring . I really think this was a good decision for both sides . Dale Jr lost his father when Dale Earnhardt Sr was killed in a last lap crash of the 2001 Daytona 500 . Jr was in his mid 20s when this happened and he has been missing that " father " figure in his life since that terrible accident . Rick Hendrick lost his son , Ricky , in late October of 2004 in a small plane crash . All eight passengers and both pilots were killed as they were on their way to a NASCAR race in Martinsville , Virginia . Ricky was 24 at the time . The Hendricks and the Earnhardts were friends and respected each other 's talent and commitment to the sport of racing . It was hard for both Dale Jr and Rick to go on after their individual losses , but push forward they did , and with guts and determination , they both have succeeded . However , Dale Jr felt it was time to move on from DEI and was entertaining offers from several car owners . On that day in early June as I watched the press conference announcing that Jr would be driving for Hendrick , tears slowly slid down my cheeks . ( Yes , I cry at almost everything and I felt this was an emotional scene . ) Here was Rick Hendrick , stepping into Dale Jr 's professional life , knowing that that he would help Jr make even more of himself in the racing community AND provide the possible guidance that Jr had been missing since his father was killed . And here was Dale Jr , stepping into Rick 's professional liPosted by Ted is sick . He 's been miserable for a WEEK now . So sick , in fact , that he didn 't go to work at all this past week . . . and will probably not go back until at least the middle of next week . He even called the doctor 's office first thing Monday morning , and they had him come over right away . He was there by 7 : 45 am . He was diagnosed with sinusitis and prescribed an antibiotic . He has not had a fever throughout this , but has had coughing bouts that last an eternity . He was coughing so hard that he threw up quite a few times . Then that gave him a headache . When he didn 't throw up , the coughing made him dizzy . He has been having trouble catching a breath , and hasn 't slept worth a crap in a week . It seems that the only way he can sleep is sitting up , and it has to be almost leaning forward . The recliner doesn 't help him . He gets so worn out that he tries to lie down , but that only lasts for about 10 minutes . He coughs all night long , on and off . His ribs ache from the coughing too . Thursday he called the doctor 's office and told them that he wasn 't any better and the coughing was worse . They called in a prescription cough medicine with codeine . Ahhhhhhhh . . . that should have helped . It did , just maybe a tad . Yesterday afternoon he called me at work to tell me that he had another doctor 's appointment for 4 pm . I told him that I would take him . His coughing was bad again and he felt like crap . When I got home from work , he was in the midst of a coughing bout that lasted for almost 2 hours . There was about a 15 second window of silence between each series of coughs . Poor guy . The doctor said that this " crud " that he 's dealing with has not gotten any better and has now moved down to his lungs . He 's wheezing a little now . The doctor prescribed prednisone ( which I dearly LOVE because it makes my knees feel better ! ) and an inhaler . Doc also said that these things might make him cough a little more for the first 24 hours , but then should help him feel better . Well , we 're 24 hours into it , and I think we may possibly have turned a corner . APosted by Ted called me the very next evening . Little did he know at the time that he was committing a HUGE blunder . My dad does NOT like the phone ringing during dinner . Now come on … how in the world would people know exactly when we are eating dinner ? ? ? To him , though , that 's irrelevant . You just do NOT interrupt my dad during dinner . Ted and I hadn 't mentioned that during our first date , so how would he know that he was calling while we were having DINNER ? ? ? ? ? Whenever the phone would happen to ring while we were eating , we always sort of glanced at dad out of the corner of our eye , just to see how he would take it . His usual response was " I 'm not here " and then he 'd absolutely ignore the continual ringing . Nowadays , the answering machine kicks on after the fourth ring , but back then we didn 't have a machine and the phone would ring … and ring … and ring … and ring … continually . So when the phone rang this particular time , my dad responded with " I 'm not here " and my mom jumped up to answer it so it wouldn 't interrupt my dad any longer than necessary . Then she looked at me and nodded . I ran to my bedroom to pick up the phone so she could sit back down . It was Ted . He told me that he had just gotten a new car that day and asked if I would go for a ride with him . I told him that I would love to go , but not to pick me up until around 7 : 00 . When I returned to the table , of course I was asked who had called and I told everyone that I would be going for a ride with Ted later on . I could hardly contain my excitement , but knew that this was NOT the time to start gushing . After dinner , I cleared off the table and rinsed the dishes . I went to take a bath and get ready , knowing that my mom would be washing the dishes , but I would still need to dry them before I left . Yep , I had " chores " and the only way to get out of them was … well , there really wasn 't a way ! Ted picked me up in this shiny , red car and was such a gentleman . As we walked to the car , he opened the door for me ( he had also done that the night bePosted by Being that this was my first concert AND the fact that I was pretty naive ( I still am ! ) , I was in awe of the whole atmosphere . The venue was huge and we walked around a little , then found our way to our seats . There were some people milling around with bright yellow " STAFF " t - shirts on and I had no idea what they were doing or who they were . I asked Ted and he patiently told me that they were people who were showing some people to their seats and making sure that no one went where they weren 't supposed to go . . . . in other words , they were security . As the time for the start of the concert drew near , I could faintly smell something in the air . I casually mentioned that it smelled like burnt pork chops . This was NOT Ted 's first concert , so in my opinion he was the resident expert . He quietly mumbled something . I said , " What ? " He once again mumbled something , but a little louder this time . Again , I said , " What ? ? " Then I heard him clearly . . . . " it 's pot . " My eyes must have bugged out of my head because he chuckled just a little . Okay , so for the first time I smelled pot . We still laugh about that . The concert began and it was great . Although I didn 't know many of the songs , I really enjoyed seeing the bands play LIVE . We had a great time . All too soon it was time to head home . Not too long after we got on the interstate , Jim and his date were asleep in the backseat . Ted and I just talked for the next hour and 10 minutes until we dropped off Jim 's date , then Jim . I really had a good time . . . the concert was fun , and Ted was a very nice , polite , and kind person . I was sooooooooooo hoping that he would ask me out again . When we got to my house around 1 am , he walked me to the door and asked if he could see me again . . . WOW ! I was thrilled ! But of course I couldn 't lay all my cards out on the table , so I simply said , " Sure , that would be great . " And for the most part , that ended our first date . After I went inside and got into bed , I couldn 't fall asleep . I was going through the entire evening in my mind , minute by minute , step by step . Yep , iPosted by |
Hey everyone with this being the Christmas season I wrote this little tale for a contest I entered . It was loosely based on the true story of a favorite Christmas Decoration in our family . I hope you enjoy . It sat on the shelf , one of fifty of the newest Christmas decorations a multi - colored diode Christmas Tree . It was perfect . It looked like a Christmas tree , and its diodes burned cool and flashed between Red , Yellow and Green . Everyone who saw them thought they were cool , and they were flying off the shelves . This particular decoration wanted to go home to a loving family whom it could help enjoy the Season of the Birth of Christ . The little diode tree watched as its brothers and sister flew out the door . Finally , it was the only one left , and it began to worry that it wasn 't going to find a home for Christmas . Then HE walked in . Bald and leaning on a cane the man looked all around the store . He seemed to be looking for something in particular . He picked up several prelit trees and put them back then he approached the Little Diode Tree . He picked it up and turned it around and round . The little Diode Tree began to wish this person would take him home . Subsequently just when the tree was convinced that he was once again not going to be chosen the man whispered " Perfect " He looked for one in a box and couldn 't find any . Then he picked up the Little Diode Tree and the empty box it was displayed on and went to the Cash register . " Is this the only one of these you have left ? " With that the clerk rang up the Little Diode Tree and placed it in the box . The Tree thanked God for giving him a home for Christmas . Soon enough the tree was being pulled out of the box and plugged in . The little tree looked around at his new home and his new family . There was the man who had purchased him and sitting on his lap clapping and squealing was an excited toddler . The little toddler reached out and gave the tree a hug . The tree was crushed and didn 't look like the perfect Christmas tree anymore , but he was loved and sharing in the family 's Christmas celebration , and he was happy . That night and every night after that Nathan would play with him and set and watch him flash his diodes and every night at bedtime Nathan 's mommy or papa would unplug him and carry him to the top of Nathan 's bed and plug him in again . The Little Diode Tree would blink all night long and help keep little Nathan from being afraid of the dark . The Christmas season ended , and all the decorations were put away except for the little Christmas tree . He stayed out until Nathan 's second birthday . When Nathan 's mommy got him a star generator for a night - light , and the Little Diode Tree went into the box of Christmas decorations . The next year out came the decorations , and almost three - year - old Nathan was happy to see his Little Diode Christmas tree . Yes , the Little Diode Tree was a bit misshaped by the love of the last year and the time in his box but papa straightened him as best he could and then surprise , surprise they showed the Little Diode tree to Nathan and his new baby brother . Now the Little Diode Tree wouldn 't stand watch over one precious child but two . Papa reminded Nathan . " Now you can 't touch the big tree Nathan , and you can 't let your brother touch it , but both of you can play with this little Tree all you want . It is Nathan and Alexander 's Christmas tree . " So for another season the Little Diode Tree was part of the family 's Christmas celebration , and the boys did touch him the hugged him and played with him , and the Little Diode Tree looked less and less like a Christmas tree . Once the holiday season was gone the Little Diode Tree looked very pitiful . It wasn 't shaped like a Christmas Tree anymore . It really looked more like a sad and twisted Mountain Pine . Some of it 's diodes didn 't light any more and there was some talk about how much use they had gotten out of the cheap little decoration . Once again , the tree was boxed up and put away with all the decorations to await the next year , Before Christmas could come around again the Little Diode Tree caught a conversation that papa was having about them having to move , and that they weren 't going to take anything they didn 't absolutely have to have . They were moving to a small apartment and Nathan , and his brother and mommy were moving into their own little apartment . The little Diode Tree wondered if it would be considered something they had to have . He knew he wasn 't as pretty as some of the other decorations . He knew he had some of his diodes that didn 't work anymore , and he knew he had been crushed and straightened so many times that his family might think he wasn 't worth the limited space they had in their new apartments . The day of the move came , and everything was being loaded into the truck but none of the Christmas decorations had been loaded . It looked like the family was going to get brand new decorations for their new houses . The Little Diode Tree felt sad , but he understood all decorations knew they would only be around until they were replaced . He understood but he really wished he could spend only one more Christmas with Nathan and little brother Alexander . Then just before the family left for the last time the box of decorations were picked up and placed outside with a free to good home sign placed on them . However , at the last possible second papa stopped the truck and came back to the box of Christmas stuff . He opened the box , and the Little Diode Tree heard him say . " I know it was in one of these boxes … come on where are you . Then after rustling in the box the Diode tree heard . " Ah there you are ! " Papa 's hands scooped him up from inside the box . The little Diode Tree was worried it 's time in the box hadn 't been kind , and it was mostly just a ball of twisted wires and a very few diodes . But papa didn 't seem to care , he placed it in a box in the back of the truck , and away they went . Today was Thanksgiving and papa and grandma had Nathan 's family over to eat turkey and help decorate their brand new Christmas tree . They brought out all the brand new decorations and put them up on the tree . As they were getting done Nathan and Alexander 's mom pulled out the Little Diode Tree and looked over it 's sad little condition . " Dad why did you bring this of all things ? It looks worse than Charlie Brown 's Christmas tree . Papa took the crumpled Little Diode Tree and sat in his chair carefully untangling and straightening its wires and diodes . When he was done the Little Diode Tree was worried . He didn 't much resemble a tree at all instead he looked more like a loose collection of wires and diodes . He was ugly and he knew it . He wouldn 't hold it against papa if they did throw him away . Nevertheless , his little electronic heart did a huge leap as papa plugged him in and Nathan and Alexander clapped and gathered around him . " Oh no , " Papa said . " I would get rid of the big fancy tree before I got rid of this Little Diode Christmas Tree . He 's part of our family Tradition and as long as a single diode lights , he will always have a place in our Christmas decorations . He reminds me that Christmas is not just about Jesus but a time for children . This little tree isn 't perfect and pretty , but it is full of love and understanding . " The Little Diode Tree felt the current as Papa plugged him in and once again told his grandsons . " Remember you can 't touch the big tree but this is Nathan and Alexander 's Christmas tree , and you can play with it as long as you share . " As both brothers squealed and reached for the Little Diode Tree it blinked its diodes with all the love it had to give . Hope y ' all enjoy this little tale it was written to help me get to know Nugget Nate and Penny a bit better . I 'm going to add it as an extra to the print version of this years Nano Novel . Anyway let me know what you think . Jenny Gentry sat in the parlor watching as her grandchildren and great grandchildren were playing their various games . God had blessed her with a full and adventurous life since the day her family had come west . She would always thank HIM for that . Now , on this her one hundredth birthday , she knew her adventure in the shadow land was almost come to an end . Her next adventure would come in the Kingdom of Heaven . If it weren 't for all the blessing of her family she would have asked God to usher her into that adventure already . She watched as the younger children gathered around her grandson Koll . She could see by what he held in his hands he had been exploring the attic . " What is it ? " As the children followed along behind their older cousin , Jenny 's daughter - in - law came around the kitchen corner to see what had Ma ' ma Gentry all stirred up . When she saw what Koll was handing her mother - in - law , she laughed . " Oh , Mother Gentry , where in the world did you find that thing ? " " Well , maybe they is and maybe they ain 't . All I know is the man who gave him to me believed in ' em . That 's good enough fer me . " The children gathered around Jenny 's feet a scooting close to hear the story they knew she was getting set to tell . Just then the door opened and in walked Jenny 's sons from their time hunting the family land . " What 's all this then ? " Her oldest son asked . Jenny shook her head . " Not this one , Gary . I honestly hadn 't thought about this till Koll came in here carrying ole Jack . " She held up the Jackalope . " Ma ' ma said a Jackindope ain 't real , Papa . Is dat true ? " The little one asked before popping her thumb back in her mouth . Jenny just shook her head . " Whacha call this right here , boy ? You take a close look and if you can find out how this one was faked together I 'll believe ya . Jack was real , not only that , he was magical . " " When I was three days past my sixth birthday , ma Pa closed up the doctor 's office early and left the house . Me , Kevin and Ma ' ma didn 't know what to think . Pa never closed the office early ; people might need his help . But that day he did . He returned several hours later with the biggest wagon I 'd ever seen in my life . It was huge and had a big round canvas cover on top of it . Two of the funniest looking cows I ever done see were pullin it . Pa told me later they was called oxen and pullin was what they did best . Well , after dinner that night Pa told us that there was just too many doctors in Boston and he wasn 't making enough money to take care of us . He said he had sold the house and office and we would pack everything we could and head out west . He 'd heard they needed doctors out west . He told us it was a great adventure and I reckoned he was probably right , Kevin musta thought so too cause he was asking if we 'd see Indians and outlaws and gunfighters and such . Ma ' ma I don 't think liked the idea but she never complained , not once . By Saturday we had everything packed and said goodbye to our friends and family and started out on our great western adventure . The first few weeks were really fun , we was travelin through what Pa called the civilized country . There were towns every day , sometimes two or three a day . At night we 'd stop outside some town and cook our dinner over a campfire or once or twice we even stayed in a hotel and ate at a diner . We got to take baths in rivers and creeks and it was really fun . But soon the towns got farther and farther apart and even when we found one , most of the time they didn 't have a hotel or a diner . Then came the day when we hadn 't seen a town for about a week . We were running out of supplies and Pa and Kevin had tried their hand at hunting but didn 't have much luck . Before long we ran out of food and it had been about two days since we had had anything to eat . Even our water was starting to run out , and I heard Ma ' ma and Pa talking about maybe this trip had been a mistake . The next day we started out again and everyone was hungry and cranky . That 's the day we met a real life western legend . It was just about midday when we rounded a rise in the trail and came upon a strange site . There was a man all in animal skins with some kind of animal on his head , like a hat . He was standing alongside the trail and behind him was the most elegant lady I had seen since we left Boston . She looked just like a princess out of a book . She was tending a big ole cast iron kettle over a campfire . The man stepped into the trail and raised his hand , waving with a big ole grin on his face . " Howdy , " he shouted . Well , that 's great information . Thank you , mister . I 'm sorry , I don 't think we introduced ourselves . I 'm Thomas Gentry and this is my wife , Virginia . " The strange looking man walked up to our wagon and shook my pa 's hand . " Right glad to meet ya , Doctor Gentry . Everyone just calls me Nugget Nate so I reckon y ' all can too . " Kevin stuck his head between Ma and Pa . " Nugget Nate ? Are you Nugget Nate Ryder , the mountain man of the west ? " He held up his favorite dime store novel . The man laughed , " Well , I don 't know about that mountain man of the west stuff , young feller , but my name is Nugget Nate Ryder . " " Y ' all go on and leave the boy alone I was about the same way first time I ever laid eyes on Ole Davy Crockett . Ain 't the boy 's fault them stories grow in the tellin . Listen though , don 't want to intrude on ya , but y ' all might want to pull in here at our camp and rest a spell ; them animals look like they could use a rest and a waterin . There 's a creek runs on the other side them there Cottonwoods . Might want to top yer water barrels , too . Ain 't no more water ' tween here and that town I was tellin ' ya about . " Nate nodded and stroked his blond bushy beard , " Y ' all could catch a few trout , that 's fer certain sure , but you ain 't got to do that . Why , the good Lord provided me two large jacklopes jes this morning . Normally we 'd stew one and smoke the other for use later but God done tole me we 'd be having company for lunch an ' dinner . So we stewed them both up . Why don 't you pull them besties off the trail and come join our camp . I 'll introduce y ' all to my wife Penny and get the lil ones bellies full . " Nate turned his back on the wagon , walked over to the camp fire and sat himself on a log . He picked up a small bundle from beside it and proceeded to work on the furry thing in his hand . Ma mentioned to Pa how he needed to lay aside his pride and think of the children . With that Pa directed the oxen to the side of the trail and helped Mama down off the wagon . Kevin and I followed right along . The smell of that stew was heavenly to us after two days of nothing to eat . Penny smiled and dished out plates full of the rich hearty meal and we all ate ' til we were fit to bust . Along the way , Nate asked Pa about how much hunting he had done and if he 'd gotten any game as of late . Pa finally admitted that he didn 't do much hunting at all when we lived in Boston and had been finding the process a little challenging since we left there . " Ain 't nuffin ' ta be shamed of , Doc , why I 'm sure I 'd be as lost trying to cure a body of sickness as you are at hunting . Tell ya what , why don 't Penny and I tag along with y ' all tomorrow , that way I can show you and yer boy some of the basics of huntin ' and trappin ' ? Nothing as detailed as a mountain man would do but enough to keep yer family in free meet and give the wife furs to be making bed covers and winter gear from . " " Don 't want to be arguing with you , Doc , but you 've got it wrong . Out here in the west it is necessary . Meat ain 't as ready bought as it is back east . Iffen you don 't learn to grow veggies and hunt yer meat you ain 't gonna survive long out here , even in a town . Least let me take you and the boy out in the morning and show you how to spot a herd of buffalo and read tracks of other wildlife . Believe me when I say it 'll be important to ya this winter specially . " Before Pa could protest again , Mama spoke up and accepted Nate 's offer . Pa finally nodded his acceptance , too . Kevin , for his part , was bouncing up and down with excitement at the thought of getting to hunt with Nugget Nate . The rest of that day we spent right there alongside that creek . Nate 's wife , Penny , help me and Mama get a bath in the creek and we filled our water barrels up and rested and ate all of that great stew . The next morning Nate took Pa and Kevin out and Mrs . Penny showed Mama the basics of smoking meet and tanning hides so that she would be able to put up what Pa and Kevin would hunt up to help us get through , not just the rest of our trip , but winter too . That evening Pa , Kevin , and Nugget Nate came back hauling two small rabbits that Kevin claimed to have shot and a large animal tied to a pole that Pa told Mama was buffalo . Nate spent the time showing Pa how to cut the different pieces and Penny cooked up some and showed Mama how to preserve the rest . After dinner Nate took out the buffalo hide from his pack and began to work on it with that big ole knife that was hanging on his side . He scraped it and scraped it til the hide was clean of any lasting meat and blood . He was still scrapping when I fell asleep beside the fire listening to the steady drag of the knife over animal skin . The next morning we packed up and said our goodbyes to the Ryders . It was almost like leaving family . Nate surprised everyone by having gifts for each of us . Pa he gave the big knife he had been wearing . " This here is the very Knife I won off Jim Bowie hisself . It 's served me well , you take it and use it ta help keep yer family fed an ' clothed . " Mama he gave the buffalo fur he had scraped clean the night before . " This will help keep yer yungin 's warm this winter , Ma ' am . I cleaned it like the Apache do so it should last ya a long time . " Then he turned to Kevin and pulled a wooden pistol he 'd carved that looked just like one of the ones Nate had tucked in his belt . " Reckon yer still a bit young for the real thing , but here 's a wooden one to get used to carryin til ya are old enough for the real one . Keep helping yer Ma and Pa , boy , and you 'll grow up ta be a fine man indeed . " Finally he stopped in front of me . " Well , Jenny my girl , I 'm agiving you the most important gift of yer whole family . I 'm giving ya a piece of Indian medicine so strong that I want ya to be careful with it . " He reached into his trapper 's bag and pulled out the thing he had been working on the first night at dinner . This here very Jack - a - lope . " This here is Jack , he 's a Jacklope . the Indians say they are spirit messengers and if killed and stuffed by someone they will carry messages to them when they are needed . So iffen you ever need Ole Nugget Nate , Jenny , you just whisper to Jack here and he 'll come find me and I 'll come arunnin ' " Just like Nate said , the town was pleased as punch to have a doctor and soon enough Pa built us a little house on a stretch of land near a creek and we became real western settlers . We 'd been there almost a year when the day came that I needed to send Jack to find Nate . It started like any other day . Ma ' ma had fixed breakfast and we were all sitting around eating when the door to our little home was kicked open and in stomped two men with bandanas over the lower part of their face , dragging a third between them . " Doc , we need you to be patchin up our brother here . You do it right fast and well leave yer family alone . Iffen you let him die or ain 't fast enough , well , let 's jes say yer family won 't survive it . " Pa got up and directed the men to take their brother to his and Mama 's bed . " There is no need for threats , gentlemen . I 'll do what i can for your brother and then you be on your way . " Pa went and poured some water over his hands and got his doctor bag and began to work on removing the bullet and sewing up the outlaw . The whole time his two brothers stood looking out the window like they were waiting for someone . Sure enough , about half an hour later another fella rode up to the house and the two of them went out to talk to him . They all came back in and the new fella went up to Pa and asked , " How is he ? " Pa looked at him . " I removed the ball and cleaned the wound as best I could and I sewed him up but it don 't look good . He lost a lot of blood . If he makes it through the night I 'd be more confident of his recovery . " The three men looked at each other . Pete if we stay here he could heal and we could use these people as hostages to keep the posse from stormin us . They won 't chance killing the only doctor for miles . " " I leaned my mouth down over his ear and I whispered " I hope you are magic like Nate said cause we need Nugget Nate now . " Then I sat him back where he came from . One of the men saw it and laughed . " Well , I 'll be . Lookie here , boys , someone done stuck antlers on top of this here stuffed rabbit . Ain 't that a hoot . " He held him out for the others to see . The last man to arrive shuddered , " Get rid of that thing , Bill , it gives me the creeps . " The one called Jed walked over and grabbed it from his friend and walked over to the door and threw it outside . " It ain 't a bit of funny work , Bill . The Apache say it 's a spirit walker called a Jackalope . They give me the creeps . " " It ain 't mumbo jumbo and if you paid any attention to the Indians you 'd know that . Now you and Rusty go get our horse out of sight . Maybe if the posse don 't see our mounts they 'll think we rode on by . " The other two nodded and headed out to do what the one called Jed had told them to do . Ten minutes went by and neither man came back inside . It was obvious that Jed was getting more and more nervous by the second . He looked at Kevin and motioned toward the door . " Boy , you go out there and tell those two I said quit fooling around and get their butts back in here . " Kevin looked at Pa who nodded his head . Kevin stood and walked out the door . After a few more minutes and no one returning to the house , the outlaw was fit to be tied . Finally , he stalked over to the door himself and flung it open to go yell at his friends . When he did he looked straight into the barrel of a Harpers Ferry Pistol held in the steady hand of Nugget Nate Ryder . " Howdy , Doc . " Nate said , " Seems like you got unwanted company here . " Nate nodded once and without taking his eyes off the outlaw in front of him , pulled the man 's weapons from his belt and tossed them behind him . He called over his shoulder as he did . " Penny dear , would you bring me one of them hobbles from my saddle bag ? I got another one in here . " " Well it 's like this , Doc , we was heading by this way anyway . Penny wants to go to New York and visit her parents for a bit . Anyway , I was jes about to put out the campfire this morning when I hears a rustling in the sagebrush . Thinkin I might get to shoot a varmint fer us to fix fer lunch later I picked up ole Bess and sighted in on that clump of sagebrush when out popped a Jacklope . Soon as I seen him I remembered givin yer little one ole Jack and I jes knew y ' all was in trouble . Put out the fire and told Penny we needed to ride fer y ' all like the wind was a chasin us . Got here jes as them two owlhoots was coming out so Penny and I got the drop on em and used a few steer hobbles to bind em jes like they was calves for branding . " Her son smiled and then stood and indicated to all the children , " Alright , gang , let 's give Granny some time to rest . Dinner will be ready soon . Outside with you all til then . " The kids were dispersed to play and Jenny 's kids all were working on putting the finishing touches on her birthday celebration . She sat in her rocking chair dozing and holding good ole Jack on her lap . She dreamed about the times over the years that Nugget Nate and Penny had visited . Slowly she became aware of a growing pressure in her chest that made it hard to breath . She struggled to call out to her family but didn 't have the strength . She barely managed to pull Ole Jack close to her lips and whisper into his ear . Sure enough , in seconds there he stood before her , dressed in his buckskins and coonskin cap , knife , hatchet and six guns on his belt , Ole Bess cradled in his arms . Sitting at his feet was Jack the Jackalope , returned from carrying his message . " Well , hello there , Jenny my girl ! Ole Jack tole me youse was in some trouble here . " " Well , girl , I reckon they 'll grieve a bit but they know where yer heading . So I 'm sure they won 't be holding yer homecoming against ya . Ya did grand , my girl , not an unbeliever in the bunch . " Nate held out his hand and helped Jenny stand . As she laid her hand on his elbow all the years melted away and the young woman she once was stood beside the Legendary Mountain Man of the West . " Thanks for coming to my rescue once again Nate . " I don 't understand why they did it . I thought I was what they wanted . I am called man 's best friend . I 'm loyal and faithful but that meant nothing to them . Today they came home so proud of themselves . They called me into the room and showed me what they had brought home . " Isn 't she cute , Buster ? " My lady held a little ball of fluff that smelled suspiciously like a CAT . The demonic thing looked at me with that sparkle in its eyes all dogs are taught to recognize . Oh , no , what had they done ? They had brought evil in and called it cute . I had to let them know so I growled deep in my chest , the best warning I knew . They sat her on the floor and that devious demonic agent of the darkness began to put on her innocent act . She ran up , intertwined herself between my front paws , and made that sound the Two Legs find so pleasant , called a purr . If they only knew , it really was the sound of doom heading our way . That night at dinner , I was given my dog chow while the demon was fed tidbits of lobster from my lady 's plate . I looked and saw it giving me that sly grin but it never spoke a word . With each bite of lobster , it purred louder and louder . What the humans couldn 't see with their limited vision were the runes that glowed down the creature 's spine . For the first time since I was a pup , I felt fear . How was I supposed to do my job and protect them when they didn 't want protection ? I tried once more to protect them and lunged at the agent of darkness . If my mouth had only reached it then I could have snapped its neck and the danger to my people would have passed . Instead , my master grabbed me and took me out to the gazebo . I was banished for the night . I watched from my prison as the furry bit of fluff wove its spell all around my territory . My people were completely enthralled . Soon they would be another set of collectables on the creature 's trophy wall . I decided to let the creature know I knew what it was doing . I moved to stand right under the hypethral and began to howl and bay my warning to anyone who would listen . Soon after my people had gone to sleep , I saw its shadow heading my way . I had never been as afraid as I was when that little bit of fluff came my way . " Well , they don 't seem to want your protection , flea bag . We will have them all collected before long and then you and your kind will have nothing left to do . " " Feline demon , you will never win . If I fall then HE will send another . We , like you , may take the form of animals , but you know whose messengers we really are . " I transformed just as the demon attacked . Our battle was long and fierce but in the end HIS power helped me win the day . The bit of fluff fell into the abyss defeated again . They would be sad but think it ran away . Another disaster averted and man 's oldest enemy defeated once more , all without them being any wiser . I ' 'm not sure how long I have left so , I thought I better tell my story before I 'm gone . You 've probably seen me on the news today . It seems my " condition " is so strange , that everyone wants to know about it . What a way to get famous because of a weird bee sting . That 's how it happened . I was outside working in my yard pulling these creeping vines , when I saw a weird looking wasp flying around . At first , I wasn 't even sure it was a wasp . I mean , it looked like a wasp or maybe a hornet but it was electric green in color . Now , I 'm as curious as they come but there was no way I was going to bother any kind of bee just to satisfy my curiosity , after all I 'm highly allergic . You know Epi pen , anaphylactic shock , die of suffocation kind of allergic . So when I see this weird bee flying around the vines I 'm trying to eradicate , I head for the hills . It was too nice a day to end up in the Emergency room . I almost made it too . I had just grabbed the handle on the screen door when the stupid thing landed on my wrist and stung me . Needless to say , I raced up the stairs , grabbed an epinephrine pen from my night stand and dosed myself quick . Usually even with the pen I would swell up and feel miserable for a day or two , but not this time . All I had to show for my sting was a large reddish - brown circle on my wrist , and a slight itchy sensation . Still , I wasn 't taking any chances and decided to relax the rest of the day . I plopped down in front of the TV for a little entertainment and dozed off fairly quickly . I woke hours later to a burning sensation on my wrist . I looked and noticed that there was something green and small sticking out of the center of the place where I had been stung . I guess that bug was more like a bee than a hornet , because it looked like it had left its stinger in my arm . I grabbed the little green piece and tried to extract it from my wrist . The pain was so severe that I must have passed out . When I came to a while later the burning sensation had moved down into my hand and up my arm as well . What really surprised me though was where the stinger had been when I passed out were two perfectly formed green leaves . It looked like someone had taken two of the leaves from the weed I had been pulling earlier and placed them over the site of my sting . I went to brush them off only to realize they were growing out of my arm . I turned on the room light to have a better look and realized not only were the leaves growing out of my skin but under the skin running down into my hand and up towards my elbow was a green line almost like a vein popped up under a tourniquet . Every couple of inches there seemed to be a new stinger sticking out of my skin . To be honest I freaked out and tried once agin to pull the leaves and stuff of my body , again it hurt like I was trying to pull my own skin off . I didn 't know if I was hallucinating from the bee sting or if I was just going crazy , but I knew I need help , so I called 911 . I wont go into the conversation but eventually paramedics were dispatched to deal with the nut - ball calling about a plant growing out of his arm . Imagine the surprise of the EMT ' S when they arrived to find I wasn 't some crazy or druggie junked up on hallucinogens . They took one look at my arm , tried to remove the leaves then after a brief discussion between the two of them decided to take me to the Emergency Room . Seems what I was going through was beyond their experience to deal with . Listening to the paramedic try and give the ER nurse the report of the patient coming in would have been humorous , if it hadn 't been me they were talking about . " Patient is a white male 40 years old with a history of anaphylactic reaction to bee stings . Primary complaint is a burning sensation in the right hand and arm below the elbow . Patient has a green leafy rash on same arm . No , this isn 't a joke . I 'm serious , listen the guy has a freaking plant growing out of his wrist . Fine report me . Our ETA is ten minutes then you can see it for yourself . I 'm not waisting your time , this is the weirdest thing I 've ever seen . Fine , see you in ten , and then you can apologize to me ! " When we arrived at the ER there was a very angry RN standing with hands on hips just waiting to give these guys a piece of her mind . The guy riding with me threw open the back doors and helped the woman up into the ambulance . " See for yourself . " The woman gave me a dirty look and roughly grabbed my arm lifting it to put an end to this " hoax " as she was calling it . When she saw the green vine under my skin and the now several groupings of leaves running from between my fingers to almost half way to my elbow she stopped . I watched as she realized this wasn 't some prank or hoax or even some nut gluing leaves on his body to get attention . She looked at the EMT and said . " Take him to the isolation room and I 'll get the doctor . After he 's isolated make sure you disinfect yourselves we don 't know if this is contagious or not . " So quicker than you can say , " A bright green bee stung me and this happened . " I was being poked and prodded all by people in isolation suits . Masks covered their faces and bright yellow paper suits and stark white latex gloves covered everything else . The doctor examined me , they took blood work from both arms . Then someone got the bright idea to try and take a sample of the leaves and vine that was beginning to grow toward my shoulder . When they clipped the first leaf the pain was unbearable and I yelled bloody murder . They quickly gave me a shot of pain medicine and the doctor informed me he was going to call in a plastic surgeon for a consult . The only idea he had was to open up my arm and remove the vine growing under my skin . By the time the Surgeon had arrived the vine had branched off and was starting up my neck and down and across my back and chest . My whole right arm was covered with leaves bursting through my skin . The surgeon was concerned with the amount of skin that would have to be opened and berated me for not coming in sooner . When he was informed that the vine had not reached my shoulder when he was called he looked startled . No one could tell me that they had ever seen anything remotely like this before . I was becoming concerned that there was nothing they were going to be able to do . The surgeon called and had them prep a surgical room for emergency surgery , and I was rushed in to the OR . Several hours later , I awoke in extreme pain . The surgeon came into the recovery room to tell me that they had extracted the vine from my body . They were going to keep me for a few days and schedule some radiation treatments to make sure no spores , seed , s or whatever had caused the growth to begin with , was left behind . Also , because of the evasiveness of the foreign matter I would need to undergo some physical therapy to regain the use of my right arm and hand . But overall the doctor assured me the surgery was a complete success . You can 't imagine my relief . I still didn 't know what that green bee had been , but I decided right then I would have an exterminator come out and tent my whole property and fog it . I also decided to call a landscaper and have them spray the whole yard with weed killer . I 'd rather loose my beautifully manicured yard than go through this again . Even while I was on the phone , I began to notice that same burning sensation under my bandages . I put it down to pain associated with my surgery . Not long after I was moved to a private room , and still partly groggy from the surgery , fell fast asleep . When I woke , I noticed that my arm didn 't burn or itch but the bandages seemed strangely shaped almost as if something were pushing against them from the inside . I was about to page a nurse to take a look at it when I noticed a burning sensation under the skin on my right cheek . I climbed out of bed and went to the mirror over the sink turning on the light as I stood there , and couldn 't believe my eyes . Running from under the bandage on my neck and up into my face was that green vine . All along my check were these small green leaf - pods , like a green five o ' clock shadow . I paged the nurse as quickly as I could , when they came on the intercom to ask if they could help me I screamed " I need someone now something is very , very wrong with me . " About that time the door to my room opened and in walked the nurse assigned to me she said in a bored voice without really looking at me , " What seems to be the mat … . " Then she caught sight of me and she screamed and ran out of the room . Just in the short time since I had paged them the leaves and opened up covering my cheek like the Jolly Green Giant 's beard . I opened my hospital gown to find the vine running all across my chest and weaving down towards my stomach . Those green sprouts were everywhere . The nurse came back with several others and before I knew it I was back in bed and people were franticly paging the doctor and the surgeon . That was an hour ago . I don 't think anyone expected the News team but they showed up during the panic and got some video footage that I 'm sure you 've seen by now . Even I saw it , after all it was a special news bulletin on every channel . I don 't think the doctor is going to get here in time to help this time . I just started to feel that burning sensation inside my head . I wonder what will happen when that vine reaches my brai … . . This is a short story that I wrote it features the hero from my current Novel Work in Progress " A Terrorist 's Tale " . See one of the untold stories of Patrick Jefferson Campbell and his Strategic Quick Infiltration and Dispersment Team . Let me know what you think . Patrick Jefferson Campbell knew the moment the fireworks went off , everything had gone south . The four - man , Strategic Quick Undercover Infiltration and Dispersement team , had everything under control , right up till the first rocket went off and lit up the execution zone . Now the other three compromised and the subject knew he had been targeted for termination . This was like a bad dream gone even worse . They couldn 't withdraw into the vapor of the night and plan to execute on another day , because the subject was now aware of their assignment . To fail now meant the assignment would be given to another team , whose first order would be to eliminate their Squid team . So that left Patrick with the only solution . Use the noise and distraction of the fireworks to complete the job . He hoped the other three would be able to make his long distance shot look like something other than a government sanctioned hit . He arrived at the waterfront rooftop where he had a clear line of sight into the target vehicle , when something caught his attention . There , not one yard from his perch was one of the rockets for the finale of the Independence Day firework display . This sparked an ingenious plan . He keyed his throat mike . With a few deft moves of equipment and a couple of sightings with his scope for accuracy ; Patrick 's plan was set in motion . He packed up his gear and succinctly eradicated any evidence of his existence . Then he vacated the rooftop to join his team . AP : Last night at the local Independence Day fireworks display a freak accident resulted in one fatality when a rocket misfired through Amhed Osama 's windshield before exploding . Witnesses say the man never knew what happened . The mayor says , a full investigation will be conducted to see what caused the rocket to launch in the wrong direction . However citizens need not worry ; our fireworks displays are perfectly safe . In honor of my first Novel being published I thought I would put a short story I wrote about Nathan 's grandfather Nugget Nate . You can get Nathan 's tale here . I hope ya 'll enjoy Nugget Nate and the Pole Cat incident . Thirteen year old Nugget Nate sat outside in a tub of tomato juice . It wouldn 't have been so bad except it was the middle of November and the weather was already acting like winter had come and he was cold . The day had started out good enough but then his little sister Aggie had wanted to go with him on his hunting trip into the woods . Little Aggie stomped her foot , " I 's ain 't no baby I 's four year old . I is as quite as a church mouse youse the one who is noisy . You be stomping round in dem big feets . " " Nate I can 't watch your sister today . I gots to go over to help the Widow McCullen put up her beans today . So either you take her with you or you can 't hunt today . " Nate was furious how was he supposed to get as good as Davey Crockett wanted him to be iffen he was always having to take the baby with him ? However it was better to get to hunt than being stuck here at the house all day . " Fine mama I will take care of her . I may not get any meat but I will watch the baby . " Nate looked to see if his mama had heard his sisters apology . Realizing that she was already heading out to the Widow 's house Nate decided to let it go . He grabbed his rifle and powder horn made sure he had Davey 's Hatchet as he had taken to calling it after the bear incident . Then grabbing his sister by the arm pulled her out of the house . His mother was getting settled in the wagon . She took the reigns in her hand then looked back at her offspring . " I 'll be back in time to fix supper for you two and yer Pa . Nate , don 't leave Aggie behind . Aggie , you listen to Nate and don 't wonder away from him . " Once she was out of sight Nate turned loose of Aggie and started off heading up the mountain and into the woods . Aggie ran to keep up with her brothers longer strides . " Slow down Nate , yer legs is to fast fer me to keeps up . " Nate let out a frustrated sigh and stopped waiting for Aggie to catch up . Then he started up again at a slower pace . When they finally reached the spot he had been staking out for days to hunt he told Aggie to sit and be still . " What are we huntin ' Nate ? Huh is we after squirrels ? Rabbits ? A Turkey ? You want me to make gobbler sounds fer ya ? " Aggie tried to do as her brother asked , but after a few minutes of sitting absolutely still she realized she had pressing business to attend to . Almost as soon as she became aware she started to squirm . Still trying to behave she whispered " Nate I 's gotta go . " Nate waved at her but kept looking down the trail watching as a big buck started moving their way . " Nate I gotta go ! " Aggie said a little louder . Again Nate waved at her to go ahead . Aggie thought he was waving at her to be quite again . " NATE I GOTS TO GO NOW . " Aggie got a disgusted look on her face . " I 's a lady Nate ! Ladies don 't go behind a tree . I needs an outhouse . " Aggie stomped over behind the tree and did her business . As she was pulling her knickers back up she saw a cute little black and white critter a few feet away . " Hey Nate what kinda critter is that over by them bushes ? It looks all cute and cuddly ? " Nate looked over where Aggie was pointing . He saw a skunk and was about to warn her when he realized this was the perfect opportunity to get even with her for making him miss his shot and calling him a Yankee . " Oh that 's just a little polecat Aggie . They are harmless and love to be petted . If you can get her to trust you , she 'll make a nice pet for ya . " Nate thought it must have been a tamed skunk he 'd heard about such things but never seen one . He decided to go up to it too . So he put down his rifle and walked over to the skunk . When he was about a foot away it suddenly looked his way and before he could take another step raised it 's tail and sprayed all over him . " EEWW , Nate what did you do ? You made my kitty stinky ! " Nate walked over and got his gun and calling Aggie he headed for home . Aggie started walking behind him but before long she was complaining about the smell . " You stink Nate . Iffen Mister Davey came on you now he wouldn 't have named you Nugget Nate , he 'd a called ya Stinky Ryder . " Before long they were off the mountain and entering their yard . When Aggie saw their mama was back she ran into the house telling her all about what happened to Nate . Mama came to the door and got a whiff of her son . " Don 't you be taking one more step towards this house , Nate . Get some wood and start a fire in the fire pit . " She went in the root celler and started carryin out jar after jar of canned tomatoes . She dumped them into the tub . " Get in the tub , start rubbin them tomatoes and the juice on ya Nate . It 's gonna burn a bit but it 's the only way to get rid of the smell . Make sure and work it into yer hair real good . " So there Nate sat , in the setting sun as the temperature started to drop , buck naked and covered in tomatoes and freezing . Inside he could hear Aggie giggling and telling Mama exactly what had happened . What made the whole thing worse was hearing Mama laughin right along with her and hearing them callin him Stinky Ryder . He sat alone at a table in the corner of the restaurant facing the door . Would she show up ? Was she as nervous as he was ? He almost hadn 't come himself but his friend Jeff had pushed him . " Jordon , what do you have to lose ? After all if you don 't go you 'll never know . She might be ' the One ' , she might not be ; but if you don 't go you 'll always wonder . " So here he sat , nervously waiting . As he waited he wondered , would she show up for their first date ? They had talked online for months and it had seemed that they 'd clicked . However , face to face was different . Here , he couldn 't hide his secret . He had to put it all on the line and hope that she was as hopelessly enamored of him as he was of her . The door opened , and in walked a woman in high heels and a loose skirt . Could this be her ? They had agreed not to use their web - cams so that their relationship would be based on real feelings , not visual attraction . Which had been perfect for him , it allowed him to keep his secret just a little longer . The down side was he was pretty sure he was halfway in love with her . If his secret was too much for her to handle , his heart was going to be broke . Panic hit him , " Why didn 't I tell her ? This is going to be a real shock . " Now it was too late because the woman and the hostess were approaching the table . Jordon swallowed the lump in his throat , he should have known he couldn 't keep up the charade for long . " Gloria , I wish I could tell you that you are more lovely than I had dared to hope . Honestly , I don 't know if you are or not . " He reached up and removed his sunglasses , " You see I 'm blind so I still haven 't seen you . I know I should have told you before we met . I was going to , but I was afraid . " With a smile in her voice Gloria took his hand in hers . " You 're so sweet . How could you possibly think the fact that you can 't see would drive me away ? ' Jordon pulled her hand to his lips and kissed her delicate skin inhaling the scent of her perfume . " You might be surprised how often it does . You aren 't the first woman I thought might be right for me . You 're the only one who hasn 't disappeared when they learned my secret . " Jordon felt her rise and approach him , as she knelt down beside him the scent of her perfume , make - up and behind it all her own fragrance drifted around him tickling his sense of smell . Gloria reached down and took his hands , placing them on her face . Gently he ran them over her face , tracing from her brow to her chin and back . Then he smiled and said I think that you must be as beautiful to look at , as your spirit is . " Slowly he cupped her face and drew her in for a kiss . As their lips met , Jordon experienced the electric feeling of desire . Love burst to life once more in his chest . Finally , he had found the one thing he had been missing : true love . , For the first time since his accident , he thanked God for his life and the blessings God had given him . |
My Dad I started this post on Fathers Day . It seems appropriate to talk about my dad on this day . He 's been gone a long time but he is far from my thoughts . I know that I was a great disappointment to him . Getting pregnant at 20 probably didn 't help much . I often wonder what he would think now . I am his only surviving daughter , I don 't have much money , never have , but I am happy with my life choices . When I was little a song came out , sung by Paul Petersen , he was the kid in the Donna Read Show . : it was called my dad and I remember singing it at the top of my lungs . I even remember most of the words . The reality was , he wasn 't really that kind of dad . I wasn 't his favourite , my sister Carol was . In fact , I felt pretty invisible around him . What he really wanted was sporty kids and none of my mother 's kids were sporty . And sometimes he said some pretty awful things to me . And those words stay with me forever . When the news of President Kennedy assassination came over the radio , he was in the garden . I went out and told him and he told me I was lying . One new years eve in Hawera , two kitttens appeared . He sent us around all the neighbours to find out who owned them . Admittedly my brother and I didn 't look very hard and didn 't find out where they came from . We called them Bubble and Squeak . A few weeks later , our old cat got run over . I was really sad . My dad told me that it killed itself because it thought we didn 't love it any more . It is the first time I had ever heard of someone killing themselves on purpose . I suspect it was the beginning of my dark passenger . He had a very sharp mind though and was quick with an answer when needed . One Christmas , I got up at midnight to go to the toilet . I took a peak in the lounge and saw Mum and Dad putting presents under the tree . In the morning I got up and said , that boy was right , Father Christmas isn 't real , I saw you last night putting presents under the tree . He just smiled and said , Father Christmas got suck in the chimney and he passed the presents down to us . And I believed him . I was totally devastated when I found out the truth , My dad had lied to me . Dad was his mother 's only surviving child . His older siblings , twin boy and girl died soon after birth . I don 't know a lot about his family . But I know he was a bit of daredevil . He raced motor cycles under his mothers maiden name so my mum didn 't fine out . I remember hearing about the big flood , I am too young to remember it , but we almost lost Nana and Uncle Ian . Some sheep we being washed up against the fence and drowning . Dad got into the water and started lifting them over the fence . It was dangerous work but it needed doing . He was also a returned service man , though he certainly didn 't talk about it , Not because of the horrors of war though . He joined the air force at the end of the war and at some point flew outside the three mile limit technically meaning that he been overseas . It was quite embarrassed about it really . After the war , he joined the post office . he started by delivering telegrams , and ended up as Senior Chief Technician at Tauranga . He could of gone higher but he liked Tauranga , so he used the excuse that his daughter was pregnant and couldn 't go . My stepmother was not very happy about it , every now over the years she would bring it up , how Dad could have gone out on top , it only I hadn 't got my self pregnant . Dad really loved technology , We had a television much earlier than most people . When we moved to Hawera and Greymouth , he was involved in lobbying for decent reception . I often wonder what he would make of all the modern things we have now , when he died mobile phones were as big as bricks and just as heavy . Computers were just coming in though very expensive and not for home use . My parents split after we moved to Tauranga . It was a really tough time . I was fourteen . He eventually remarried to another Margaret who again he met at work and they had a son , my baby brother Anthony of whom I am very proud . He is a really nice guy . Younger than Suzanne and older than Simon . he was an uncle when he was born . And he was sporty , a fine hockey player . Unfortunately Dad died when he was 11 , so he missed seeing it . I would go and stay with him and Margaret off and on in my teenage years and when I moved north , he was able to find me a flat . He wasn 't very happy with either of my pregnancies . He was even unhappier Marty and I moved in together . To top it off , he was not impressed at all when I told him that we were having a BYO wedding . Not that he offered to pay for it . But they came anyway . In his early sixties , he got prostrate cancer . My mother 's family called it poetic justice . But it was a cruel jab at a man who died a very painful death . I didn 't see much of him in his last years , mostly Christmas and birthdays . I felt out of place , he had a new family . He hated illness , avoided it as much as he could . At his funeral , the celebrant talked about how he nursed his mother when she had cancer . Reality was , Mum nursed her . He stayed away as much as he could . At his service , it didn 't even feel like they were talking about my dad . They mentioned me and my brother but not where we came from , or my mother , who he was married to for nearly twenty years . But it was a huge funeral , one of the biggest I had ever been too . The thing with my black dog is , he doesn 't suddenly escape the confines of his kennel . He is much sneakier than that . He quietly finds an escape route and stealthily crawls though that he can squeeze through , finding my vulnerabilities and making the most of every opportunity . I always have a low period in May , I have written about it before . It is the anniversary of Suzanne 's birth and I try hard to plan for it so that I don 't let my black dog out . I try to be kinder to myself , and rest and relax and so hopefully by mid June I am back to my old self . This year , I didn 't bounce back up . My mood stayed low . I told Marty in early July that I was worried my mood hadn 't lifted and then got back to life , hoping that i was imagining things , ignoring my black dog , hoping he would stay put . But he obviously found a weak spot . In mid July , there were other priorities . My uncle Ian was diagnosed with terminal cancer . I supported Mum by Skype as much as I could and kept insisting I come up to be with her . By the time , she allowed me to come , my uncle had died . It was great to catch up with family and spend time with Mum and it gave me something else to think about besides impending doom . I probably cried off and on for three days . My dark passenger started telling how easy death would be , that nobody would miss me , in fact my death would make the world a better place . I finally went to see the doctor . Well more like Marty insisted I go to the doctor and he gave me the medication I had the last time my black dog was here . But it does take a while for the meds to take effect . The side effects aren 't great either . Instead of bouncing out of bed at six I sleep until well after 8 . My whole routine is out of whack and I am not getting on my Wii as much . As a consequence , my legs aren 't happy , I am getting quite bad pins and needles down one side and a lot of muscle pain . It 's enough to make you crazy . Hang on I am already crazy , in the middle of all this , I turned sixty , There was no fanfare , not even a birthday cake . It would have happened it I had organised something but my black dog was already sapping my energy . I was hoping someone else would think of it but no one did . We did have a lovely DVD day with the grand kids though the weekend before which was lovely . I love Star Wars and the grand kids have become fans . Even if Nana cheated and we only watched the first and the last movie , I just love Ewoks . . But my black dog told me nobody really cared about me and I had achieved nothing in my sixty years . But I know he is lying , he is just trying to find a way to prevent me from put him back where he belongs . He has lost this round , and I am on the up , The black dog and the dark passenger I haven 't been writing much lately . It is a combination of things , there is still so much to say but I really haven 't been in the mood . Which brings me to my strange title . Most people know about the black dog . The expression is old English though references go back to Roman times . It is most commonly associated with Winston Churchill . He would talk about his black dog to describe his depression , though I read somewhere that in his dark days he actually saw one The dark passenger comes from the TV show Dexter , if you haven 't seen it , you should , It is one of those rare american gems , Dexter is a serial killer who lives a seemly ordinary life . It describes the level of " darkness " and instability in each person 's personality that could either control them or be contained . The black dog came first . I have always had him . I have been depressed for as long as I can remember . I wasn 't supposed to be . I was supposed to be grateful . I was the lucky one , the one without an impairment , the one who grew up . I was so good at pretending that everything is fine so no one noticed my black dog . Besides there was too much other stuff going on in my family , that really nobody had time to notice . My dark passenger , suicidality came around when I was about twelve when I had my first suicide attempt . It was pretty pathetic really , I ate some poisonous plants . It didn 't even make me sick . I was so upset . It reinforced everything that I knew about myself . I was totally useless . And so I have travelled through life with these two companions . The black dog tries to get out of his kennel often enough to remind me that he is there , always ready to bring me down , always ready to pounce . He has no subtlety . He is just there waiting for me to trip up . Looking for signs of weakness , anything he can use to escape . The dark passenger is so much more subtle . He just lurks about , looking for a tiny chink in my composure . . Small whispers in my sleep , or loud yelling when things go wrong . Always offering a way out . Back in the late nineties , they did their best to overpower me . There strength was such that I ended up in hospital having ECT . But I survived their temptations . I realised then that I had the power . They did not win . But I know that they are still there , waiting and watching , ready to take charge , ready to offer suggestions on how to make it all go away . But I ignore them . I still have too much to do . Sometimes , when things go wrong or my mood is a little low as it is now , their presence is more obvious . My dark passenger whispers suggestions and the black dog tries to get out . I knew the children who stayed with Suzanne , I had known many of them for years , since Suzanne started at CDU . But I also knew how vulnerable people like Suzanne were when it came to their more able bodied companions . There was one girl , I will call her Sandy . She was a biter . I know that many children bite particularly when they are around two or three . The problem with Sandy was , she was over eight so she had adult teeth . The first incident I heard about involved Mathew one of Suzanne 's flat mates . It happened at school . When staff were busy , she bit him so severely on the face that he needed hospital treatment . I knew that Sandy stayed at Suzanne 's place so I talked to Prue about it . I was worried that Suzanne could be at risk . While I recognised that Sandy 's family needed respite , I wanted to make sure that Suz was safe . She assured me that all practical precautions would be taken . Then Sandy bit Cameron . More worryingly , she had gone into his room after bedtime and pulled him off the bed behind the door so any staff passing would be unaware of any problems . He was bleeding quite badly when staff found him . When I heard about the second incident , I went and saw Prue again . She said that they would be more careful . There were no other respite places available and Sandy 's family really needed the break . They thought perhaps Sandy was frustrated because these non - verbal children didn 't talk back to her . Staff would be more vigilant she said . They would work with Sandy to help her understand why there was no response when she talked to them . Staff let her help bath the children and even feed them . I said she had one more chance but if Suzanne was hurt she would certainly know about it . One day , I was at kohanga and Prue arrived . She looked terrible and my first thought was that Suzanne had died . She hadn 't . She had been bitten and was at ED . On the way to hospital , Prue told me what happened . Suzanne was in the van on her way to school . Somehow Sandy had good out of her seat belt , pulled Suzanne 's shoe and sock off and started biting her toes . She was getting back into her seatbelt as the van arrived at it 's destination . The van driver noticed blood on Suzanne 's foot . And blood around Sandy 's mouth . It wasn 't until staff saw them that they realised what had happened . Suzanne lost two toenails and spend a night in hospital . Once I knew that Suzanne was fine , I thought about Sandy 's mother . How awful to know that your child could inflict such pain on another child . Sandy didn 't come back to Suzanne 's place for respite . They made other arrangements . I didn 't even have to fight them on it . They realised that the risk was too great . Fortunately there were no lasting effects for Suzanne . It was just one of those things . But heartbreaking for everyone . © Barbara Hart 2014 Going to Class Doing the MACCESS course made a huge impact on our lives . Learning to drive of course was a major but just having that little bit of extra money really made a difference . We brought our first microwave , Video player and a 14 inch TV for the bedroom . They were al SAMSUNG . My brother told me that I had wasted my money buying Japanese junk . He brought Phillips VCR . He said , it was so much better quality . He was wrong of course . It player was back in the shop in a couple of months . All three of them lasted for over 20 years without incident . The video player eventually wore the head outs long after DVD 's were in vogue . We up dated the kitchen in Malfroy Road and brought a smaller one . We gave the still working microwave to someone who needed it . And the same with the TV . The remote stopped working but the TV went to a new home as well . It also meant going to polytech for Maori classes . There were people from kohanga all over the region . I was a bit nervous going to the first class . When I walked into the room , one of the women looked at me and said , we may as well give up now this pakeha is going to be top of the class . I looked at her square in the eyes and I said , you have been brought up on the marae , you have heard Maori spoken all your life , how on earth can I compete with that . She smiled as she saw my point . After that , we got on to the business of why we came . I was so difficult , but I persevered even after the money ran out and we stopped getting paid , I kept going back . Things at Kohanga were moving too . We got permission to have a small parcel of land at the back of the field to build our own building . The building was designed like a wharenui , though the windows on the sides would be bigger than usual . It also meant the kohanga became split . I don 't really remember how it happened but it definitely done along tribal lines . locals and others . As I have said before , because the kohanga was on a school and not attached to marae we weren 't tribally based . The majority of people who came were from out of the area . There were some local mothers as well . When the outside of the building was finished it was decided that one group was do the inside decoration including the tukutuku panelling for the walls and the kowhaiwhai for the ceilings . The local women decided to do this . They were also really good at art and crafts . The plan was that they would leave their children with us while the worked but eventually they took their children with them . It was a about the same time that Manuhopukia decided that she was going to retired and she looked around for a replacement . Amongst us was a primary school teacher from Gisborne way . Both her and her husband were fluent in the language . She seems an obvious choice but the locals wanted one of them to run it . That deepened the split between us even further . Effectively there were two kohanga running at the same time from the same funding . the principal of the school backed us . It was really difficult . Simon was almost five by this stage so it wouldn 't belong until our kohanga days were over and it wouldn 't be my issue any more . Of course , now I could drive , I could visit Suzanne when I wanted . I usually went on Sunday afternoons . But I still felt guilty about abandoning her . But she was happy and well cared for . The staff were mostly young and they brought a whole new range of experiences for Suzanne . After Reuben 's death Cameron moved into the house . Life continued on it 's merry way . Unfortunately life for me is never simple and there were clouds on the horizon . Uncle Ian My uncle Ian died on Wednesday . He was my mother 's baby brother . He had a short battle with cancer but it was long enough for his siblings to get together and spend time with him . I wasn 't able to see him as I got there the day after he died but I was able to support my mum through this difficult time . And to see the family again . To be honest , I have had very little to do with my mother 's family since I was child . None of my mother 's family met Suzanne once we left Upper Hutt when she was a baby and only Aunty Dot had met Simon prior to Mum 's eightieth birthday bash . In reality , I was born between the generations , not much younger than my mothers younger siblings and much younger than my cousins , In fact some of my younger cousins are the same age as Suzanne and some have children the same age as my grandchildren . I remember Uncle Ian at the trotting stables in Moonshine Road , He was always smiling . He loved life . And his exploits were legendary . There is an underpass in the Hutt that has huge gouges into the concrete quite high up . . They were made by uncle Ian , He fell asleep at the wheel and flipped his car making those marks , Amazing he wasn 't seriously hurt . He also got swept away in a flood and chopped his leg badly while wood chopping . He married Pat and had two sons . both fine men , Stephen is my famous actor cousin and David works with computers . Once Granddad died and Nana left the stables , the family split up , the brothers eventually going to the Waikato and the two girls ended up in Canterbury . Nana followed the girls after her mother Nana Alsop died . And I of course I moved between the Hutt and Tauranga so there was little interaction between us . The funny things was , I always had flash backs about Uncle Ian . Every time I saw those dirty looking white daisies on the side of the road , I could see Uncle Ian and fire , It didn 't make sense . It was really strange . I asked my mother about it and she had no idea what I was talking about . About 20 years ago , I met up with him at a family funeral . I asked him about it . He looked at me quite stunned . He said you are too young to remember that . And I said , I don 't really remember anything , I just see him surrounded by fire . Nothing else , no context , nothing , just him , those horrible daisies and fire . Well he said , I was under a tractor trying to fix something and the grass caught fire . and my back was burnt . The reason the grass caught fire was due to the fact that the grass had been sprayed with grass killer which dried the grass . Friction with the dry grass and the gravel on the drive cased a spark and ignited the grass . But he reiterated , I was much to young . Obviously I wasn 't , After our conversation , I felt much better . More importantly I stopped having flashbacks . I had the answers I needed . © Barbara Hart 2014 New Skills After Suzanne left home we got back into a new routine . Simon and I were still going to Kohanga every day . One day Manuhopokia came in very excited . They were going to set a course to train mothers to work in Kohanga . Back then the government had Access courses for people to develop new skills in a wide range of areas . This was slightly different it was called Maccess and targeted to Maori . She wanted everyone to apply . The training would run from the Kohanga though there would be language class up at polytech for one day a week and that was open to all the Kohanga in the area . I said , well that rules me out , I am not Maori , but she said no , it is open to anyone who has children at Kohanga . I went home and talked to Marty and came back the next day and applied . I was really surprised but I got it . We were paid $ 100 a week to attend . I had had driving lessons when I was in my late teens . The instructor was awful . At one stage it started raining and he told me to turn the windscreen wipers off . I watched them and waited for them to get to the bottom before I turned them off . He started yelling at me , turn them off . What he didn 't know was , I didn 't realise they were automatic , I was trying to hit the button at the right time . So I gave up . Hilary 's sister Barbara gave me a couple of lessons and Marty gave me one but it just didn 't seem to work . I rang the companies in the book . I wanted a calm lady instructor who would have lots of patience . I found someone really lovely . I must have had about 12 lessons in the end . It was hard trying to do everything at the same time but she had lots of patience and skill and finally I was ready to sit my test . The written test was fine but I failed one of the oral questions . Just never occurred to me that you could have a stop sign and a give way at the same intersection . But you were allowed to miss one question so I passed . The instructor knew how things worked in Tauranga . She made me apply at the County Council rather than the City Council . This meant that I was have my test in Greerton , rather than in the middle of town . I was really nervous , but the officer was nice and gave me simple instructions on what he wanted me to do . Mostly I didn 't want to stall on the roundabout . I didn 't stall , and everything went quite smoothly . Once I was through the roundabout , we went into the racecourse and drove around there . It was actually very easy . especially parallel parking with no other cars around to hit . Probably haven 't done a parallel park since mind you . Once I had my licence , I used the money I was getting to buy a car . It was Heta 's old mini . It was pretty old and battered but it was mine . Just after I got it , I had my first of the only two accidents I have had . I was driving down Cameron Road in rush hour . I hated Cameron Road , I was coming up to the hospital and there was an idiot on my tail trying to pass . He finally got passed and sped off , though the traffic was so thick he didn 't get far . A man in a wheelchair was going onto the crossing . He fell out of his wheelchair and everyone but me stopped . I went into the guy in front . I followed him around the corner and burst into tears . He was really angry but I managed to give him my phone number and told him that my husband would sort out the insurance stuff . I think he felt a little sorry for me . I went home still crying . Marty thought something terrible had happened . Well , I thought it had . He was very sympathetic as usual and sorted out insurance and stuff , The mini had very little damage . Being able to drive made a huge difference . For the first time I had the freedom to go where I wanted to without depending on others . And I love driving . I will drive anywhere and everywhere . I can even drive in Auckland on the motorway something I never thought I would ever do . I do get lost sometimes , even with a GPS but eventually I find my way . But I have to admit , I have had a few speeding tickets . And I hate throwing away money . So I try really hard to stick to the speed limit . Driving is and always be pure pleasure for me and I hope it will always stay that way . Things worse than death After Suzanne left we settled into a new routine . I lost the home help of course and no nappies were delivered to the house any more . And there was so much less to do . And at the drop of a hat , we could be off on new adventures . It is surprisingly easy . Not that I didn 't miss Suzanne . I felt there was a huge hole in my life . We visited regularly and she was fine . I got to know the other children in the residence . They really weren 't now to me , as I had met them all at CDU . One little boy broke my heart . To be honest , for the life of me , I can 't remember his name , and if I went through Suzanne 's stuff , I would find it . But really I don 't know that his name is that important . What is important is his story . I will call him Reuben . Reuben was an only son . He had a loving Mum and Dad and sisters . When he was four , he was riding his new bike at his Nana 's house . Look at me Nana he yelled as he went down the driveway , straight into an on coming car . His injuries were horrendous . He was rushed to hospital and her parents were called . He was unlikely to survive the doctors said . And there is severe brain damage . But Reuben kept breathing . His parents stayed at the hospital with him , and he kept breathing . Eventually , his parents went home , Several times they were called in and told Reuben was dying , but he never did , he kept coming back . After about five months in hospital , he came to live with Suzanne . He was completely immobile There were no visible scars . But the real difference between him and the other children at the residence , was stark . There was no life in his eyes . He was really just a body that kept breathing . He had severe kidney failure so had to be given fluids all the time to ensure that his kidneys kept working . He didn 't make sound . One day he stopped breathing . IHC staff gave him CPR and called an ambulance . When they got to the hospital , the nurses asked what happened . the staff told them what they had done , and the nurses said , why did you bother . And they said , because we don 't have a choice we can 't play God , we just have to do our job . And the nurses did too . He survived and went back . One day he died , very quietly at the residence . Suzanne and the other children were very subdued , staff said but they looked very happy . It was Father 's Day , 18 months after the accident . At the funeral , some one said to Reuben 's mother , now you can start grieving . And she smiled said , no , now I can stop . After they thought about it , they agreed . It is a tough question . Sometimes I think that medically we can be too clever and save people who in hindsight would probably be kinder if they didn 't make . But the problem is , how can you tell . There are stories of miracle recoveries all the time , that from the outset seem bleak indeed . So of course doctors have to do all that they can . Our road fatality statistics just talk about the people who die , and it is a very sad things for all those families friends . But there is never any mention of the survivors like Reuben . And sure I know that many people out there will say , well his parents probably learnt a lot from their experience . Perhaps they did . But what a way to learn . I remember years ago , watching Oprah . They were talking about turning off life support . There was a big case in America at the time when a family wanted to turn a woman 's life support off and her husband didn 't . Oprah talked to a woman in that situation . As her husband was in court fighting to have her machine turned off , she came out of her vegetative state much to the surprise of medical staff . Oprah said , don 't you hate your husband , he tried to kill you . And she said , no , I love him more because he believed what he was told , that there was no chance of recovery and he did it out of love . And I may be sitting here looking wonderful , but it has taken five years and a huge toll on me and family to get me here . And there is still so much to do . In fact , in some ways , it might have been better if he had succeeded , The reality is , sometimes there are things worse than death . And personally if I am every in a situation where I can be turned off , I would be very happy if someone would love and respect me enough to do it . © Barbara Hart 2014 Heart ache It was a tough decision and I talked to as many people about it as I could . Most were very supportive , and felt that giving Suzanne up was the right thing to do . To me it was a head heart problem . My head was telling me it was the right thing to do , my heart kept saying no . One friend at kohanga was not supportive . She told me that if I was Maori I wouldn 't do it . It was real pakeha thing to do , giving away a child . No Maori would send their child away , they would find another way . This confused the hell out of me . I had been to Tokanui . There were Maori children there , lots of them . Their parents had given them up . I talked to Tepora about it . She said my friend had a reason for feeling that way . Her sister died in Tokonui . She was send there after their parents died and only lasted a few months . My friend obviously felt really guilty about it . But she was only a child herself and couldn 't take care of her sister as well as go to school . The choice was taken out of her hands . But the choice was mine and only mine . I went and had a look at the house . It was lovely just across from the Mount library . It was very spacious and had big bedrooms . Work needed to be done to make it accessible and while they said November , the possibility was it could be longer . It took me a while to work through everything . Visiting her often would be difficult . I still couldn 't drive and the Mount was to far to bike to . She would still be at CDU so I would be able to see her there though being at kohanga every day would make that difficult . Looking back now , it was a the right decision . But then I was full of doubts and guilt . My friend certainly didn 't help . She kept telling me how terrible I was for even considering it . Once however , I had decided Suzanne should go , I wanted her to go . I looked forward to spontaneity , Just hoping in the car and going somewhere without a thought or a plan . Life would be so much simpler , I wouldn 't have to worry about lifting or cooking special meals , in fact we could go out to eat . Now that was a novel idea . IHC however weren 't ready . The work was taking longer than expected . That made it so much harder . I had made the decision and was mentally prepared for what would be such a difficult thing to do but now , I had to wait . It just seemed so unfair . I had made the hard call and now I had to wait for them to be ready . It wasn 't til the end of January , that she finally left home . I cried buckets . I doubted my decision . I wondered how I could do this . Prue was great . She understood how I was feeling and how much I was going to miss Suzanne . And it was ok to feel that way . Suzanne was the oldest in the house . There were three others . Their parents had made the hard call too . I was grateful , we had her at home almost eight years longer than the professionals said I could manage , though I have to admit , they stopped suggesting Tokanui once Marty was on the scene . Marty pulled the bed down in the lounge and we had a bit more space . We moved Simon into the girls room so he had more space as well . It was the start of new part of our lives . Suzanne would always be a part of us , but she wasn 't with us . And I was really sad about that but the realist in me told me it was for the best for all of us . it still seemed bloody unfair but I had made the decision . Facing the Facts I didn 't want to but I had to face the facts . Having Suzanne at home was becoming more and more difficult . It impacted on everything . And I was tired , so very tired . I didn 't know what to do , I hated myself for even considering sending Suzanne away . How could I abandon my own child . She was almost 12 , I couldn 't image being without her . IHC contacted me and said that they were definitely opening a children 's home in November and they offered her a place . It was going to be in Miro Street in Mt Maunganui . It was an existing building and fairly new . They had appointed a manager , Prue Grant who would be happy to come and talk about it . Marty and I talked about it at length . Finally he said , this is your decision . I will stand by what you decide but I won 't make the decision for you . I said it should be joint decision , we were married after all . But he said no . I don 't want you blaming me , if you later you decide that you have made the wrong decision . It has to be yours and yours alone . The day Prue came to see me and meet Suzanne , I was a wreck . My stupid body was playing up and I spent most on the morning on the toilet . She was very nice . She spoke kindly to Suzanne . She talked about the house and how it would be run . She assured me that we could visit at any time . But mostly she assured me that Suzanne would be safe and well cared for and most importantly , she would be loved . And then she left . I cried a lot . I am crying now , just thinking about it . It was an impossible choice . Now , our lives were so restricted and I knew that Simon was missing out on a lot of things , boys of his age did . But Suzanne was my baby , we had been through so much together . I had had to fight so hard to keep her and now I was considering giving her away . The other thing that bothered me was , Suzanne couldn 't tell me if thing were wrong . She couldn 't ring up and say , they didn 't feed me today , they are mean to me , they left me in wet nappies for hours . There would be no way of knowing that she was okay . I would have to trust strangers to do that right thing . And that was scaring me the most . © Barbara Hart 2014 |
Yes , Mark is living . That 's the message . That 's Mark 's word . I hope that those of you feeling the pain of loss find comfort in Mark 's description of " the other side " . Roberta : Oh Mark , I 'm so mad at you . M : Why ? R : You 're dead and I 'll never be able to talk to you again . M : But you are . R : Oh my God ! Mark , is that you ? M : How are you ? R : Are you kidding ? ! I 'm miserable ! I can 't believe this is happening ! My God , Mark is dead . Oh my God ! M : I 'm alright . R : Oh my God ! Why did you die ? How could you do that ? I 'm so mad at you ! You 're so stupid ! I told you to drive carefully . But no , you always knew better : " I 'm young and have better reflexes than you ever had . . . that 's what makes me a good driver . . . I 'm ready for anything . " I could just kill you ! You 're so stupid . Oh God , and now I 'll never see you again . . . Why do other kids get another chance but you don 't ? Just one mistake and now you 're gone . Oh , what am I gonna do ? M : I 'm okay . I 'm alright . That 's how it began . Mark was killed in a car accident on the afternoon of January 19 , 1976 . . . the bicentennial year that he never saw . Mark was 17 , a senior in highschool . He was driving home from school around 3 : 15pm on a dreary day - a day of snow mixed with rain . Cloudy . Cold . Wet . Messy . He stopped on the way out of the school parking lot to help a friend get his car started . His friend - and Joyce , Mark 's girlfriend , were at the hospital that evening . Roberta : You have lots of good memories of him . You two were together for a long time . J : Yes , but I don 't know why we broke up . He just told me that he wanted me to date his best friend . It didn 't make any sense . R : When was this ? J : Just a few weeks ago . He started saying that he wasn 't going to graduate and he wanted me to date Tom . We had a fight about it , but he meant it . I couldn 't figure it out . Tom and I have always been friends . I think Mark knew he was going to die ! I think I 'm going to be sick . R : Take it easy . It 's alright . Just rest awhile . J : But Mark is gone . He 'll never graduate or do anything anymore . R : Look at it this way , if there 's life after death , then there 's no problem , and if there isn 't , then there 's no problem . J : Yeah , I guess you 're right . R : Tom , how are you ? Tom : I 'm okay . But it 's all my fault . He 'd still be alive if he hadn 't stopped to help me . My car ! There 's always something wrong with it . He stopped in the snow to help me . . . that 's the way he was . He could have driven on . . . I could have fixed it myself . Then he wouldn 't have had the accident . The bus would have been gone . . . and he 'd still be alive ! Oh , I did it , it 's all my fault . R : Tom , you 're one of the luckiest people here . It 's not your fault . It was the most wonderful gift he could have given you . You 're the last person he did a favor for , the last person he was kind to . That 's something for you to remember . That 's special . ( crying , crying , and more crying ) The need for completion is very strong . I suppose not seeing Mar 's body left a lot of things undone in my mind . That night at the hospital , a nurse came in and rustled us into a room and closed the door . She offered no explanation except that " It will be just a minute . " I didn 't know what she was talking about . My husband Jim said that they are probably moving the body - that Mark had to go to the county hospital because the accident happened on a county road . All of a sudden it rushed in on me . . . moving his b - o - d - y ! ! I tore open the door and ran down the hall . They were rounding the corner with beautiful Mark laying quietly on the stretcher . He was covered with a sheet - mostly . His tennis shoes were easily identifiable . . . but I wasn 't prepared for the emotion connected to recognizing the right arm of his jacket hanging out from under the sheet . I stood in the hallway frozen . I never saw him again . I guess I heard that a lot those first few days . . . " I can 't believe he 's dead . . . We didn 't help any by choosing to have a closed casket . For some reason , the whole thing was never really final . I never saw his body . I guess he was in the casket , but I 'll always wonder what he looked like . Roberta : Pardon me . I overheard you comment and . . . CM : Oh , I 'm sorry . I didn 't mean anything by it . I 'm so sorry . R : That 's okay . I feel the same way . CM : Was he really messed up ? Is that why it 's closed - why can 't we see him ? R : No , no . He 's not hurt or anything . It 's just that his dad wanted everyone to remember Mark the way he was . CM : Oh . . . I guess . . . but I can 't believe he 's dead . R : Me either . ( more crying , and more crying . ) You know , I wonder if the crying ever stops . To this day , when I re - live this , I cry . I 'm crying now . It 's difficult to lose a son . . . or a step - son . It 's not supposed to happen . Kids are not supposed to die before their parents . That 's not the right way ! It 's not supposed to happen that way ! Mark : It was an accident . R : What do you mean it was an accident ? Mark , doesn 't God control M : It 's just happening . . . whatever happens is the plan . R : No , no , no ! I need to appeal to a higher court or something . This isn 't supposed to happen . Isn 't there someplace I can go to roll back time so we can do it again . . . so this doesn 't happen ? Oh Mark ! Mark ! What was it like when you died ? Please tell ; me . I have to know . Don 't lie to me . I want to know if it hurt . M : It didn 't hurt . I was driving down the street . There was music on the radio . Jane was in the front seat . We were all talking . I looked away for a second and when I looked up , all I saw was a wall . I didn 't even know what it was . I was surprised . I don 't remember thinking anything . It only lasted a second . Then it was totally dark . And totally quiet . It was really dark . . . you really couldn 't see your hand in front of you . I was wondering if I had my eyes open . I didn 't feel anything . Then I heard a voice . It said , " Well , are you ready ? " I had no idea what it meant . . . but it sounded nice . I wasn 't afraid . I said , " Yeah , I guess so . " And then things started moving . It was still totally dark - black totally , but moving . I could feel the sensation of moving very fast through a black tunnel . . . and then . . . . . . . . . . . ( Wow ! I was experiencing everything Mark was " saying . " The light was like none other I had ever seen . And it burst open . There was a hint of it for just a second , and then it just burst open ! Incredible ! The brightest thing you ever saw . . . and sound - not music - but sound - not the sound of an explosion , but the sound of explosion . And then it softened . ) R : Oh Mark ! That was wonderful . You didn 't feel anything at all ! M : No , nothing at all . How 's everybody else ? They 're hurt , aren 't they ? R : Yes , but they 're mostly upset about you . M : But I 'm okay R : I know that - and you know that - but they don 't know that . . . and sometimes I don 't know that too . M : You 'll be alright . R : But I can 't touch you , and I can 't see you . M : It 's different , but we can still talk . R : But it 's not the same . We discussed that often . . . not being able to be seen , to be heard , according to the normal definition of " hearing . " Mark clarified things for me one night , many weeks later . . . M : I can 't see anything ! R : What do you mean ? You were laughing . Your dad and I are making love and you 're laughing ! M : ( laughing ) It 's not what you think . I 'm feeling what you 're feeling . R : What ! ? M : I mean that when I talk to you , we 're thinking together . . . or maybe feeling together . I was having fun . R : No ! I 'm having fun . Go away ! But you experienced it just like it happened to me . R : Now I don 't understand . What did you mean when you said that you couldn 't see anything last night ? M : You know , I 'm not standing in the bedroom ! I 'm not outside of anything . I 'm not watching anything . It 's more like I 'm experiencing the experience . The only time I saw anything was when you thought of me watching you and what you thought I 'd see . That was pretty funny . R : That 's not very comforting ! So we can be walking around naked and you can 't see us . M : That 's right , but I can see your thoughts , your feelings . . . I can know your feelings . R : Anytime ? M : No , I have to find you . I have to focus on you . . . imagine you , and then I 'm there . R : That 's what I do when we talk ! I just think about you and you 're there . M : That 's right . You 've been doing it but you didn 't know it . That 's how I knew to come to you . You wanted to talk to me . R : Oh my God ! This is incredible ! I found out a lot of incredible things . Haven 't you always wanted to know what " heaven " was like ? Don 't you have a lot of questions you 'd like to ask ? Just for fun , take a few minutes and write down all the questions you 'd ask about " the afterlife " if you had the chance . Go ahead . Really do it . Write out the entire question in long hand . I 'll wait for you , and then we 'll do an experiment . Don 't cheat . . . go write your questions . Now take your questions , and see how many of them I asked . You may need to re - read some of the book , because sometimes I didn 't ask Mark my questions directly . . . he just gave me the answers . M : What do you want to know ? R : Everything . M : Come on . What do you want to know ? R : What 's it like ? M : What do you mean ? light . . . . . music - - - I mean light that makes music - - - I mean there 's sound but it 's coming from the light that 's everywhere . There aren 't notes or a tune . . . just tone . . . It 's like a background to everything . . . Everywhere I look I see figures that sort of fade in and out . When I focus or concentrate , then the images are clearer . . . and become distinct . . . " three dimensional . " People are walking around - talking to each other . Others are moving - and are alone Everyone is dressed in clothing of light but there 's so much light all around . . . ) M : There isn 't a day . R : What do you mean ? M : There isn 't a day . There 's no day and night . . . we just are . . . it 's just happening . . . we don 't count things and mark things off . R : I guess that 's what we do , isn 't it ? We mark the number of times the earth turns . M : I know . Want to go on ? R : You bet . ( They 're studying . There are groups of people speaking and discussing and studying . They are learning from each other . They are sharing experience . . . literally . They are feeling the feeling . One is remembering and the others are experiencing and learning something ) R : Yes , I did . I guess it was all that Catholic training . . . . . . judgment and eternal heaven or hell and all that . M : It 's nothing like that . R : I can tell . Wasn 't there any judgment ? ( awareness . . . of choices . . . life review . . . see all the decisions . . . see the thoughts . . . where you were at the time mentally , emotionally . . . it was like watching a tree grow . . . branches . . . each decision led to another through the experience itself and all that went before . Each decision . . . not right or wrong . . . just look and see what was happening . . . what was really happening . . . what were you experiencing , feeling ? What was really happening ? Who , what , how , were you ? How are you now ? Would you like to change ? No pressure , just the suggestion of the question . ) R : Very easy . It 's not like " The Judgment " at all . There 's no one reading all the events . M : No , just you and another looking at what went on . R : Who is with you ? M : Just another person . . . someone who 's been here a long time . He 's a lot higher than I am . He understands a lot more . He said I didn 't have to learn anymore or change anything if I didn 't want to . R : Do you want to ? M : I know . You judge a lot . There 's nothing wrong with that . You just do . R : But this acceptance thing . . . I can feel things dropping off . . . it 's like chains dropping off my shoulders and arms . I feel very light . M : Yeah . That 's what it feels like . Mark told me so much in those first few months . It was such a very special time - though I didn 't know it . It seemed so natural . I just never questioned it . Then , one night , I asked Mark if he could help his father . . . M : Yeah . He doesn 't talk to me . R : He 's very quiet about everything . He won 't discuss how he feels . He hasn 't even really cried that I know of . Is there anything you can do for him ? Can you come back and talk to him . . . maybe disguise yourself and visit him in his office . . . like in the movies . . . and he doesn 't know it 's you ' til you leave . M : He wouldn 't want that . It wouldn 't do any good . R : What do you mean ? He 'd love to see you again . M : No he wouldn 't . R : Oh Mark , I think you 're wrong . Well , wouldn 't you know , Mark was right . I spoke with Jim the next day and told him about my proposal to Mark and Jim said " I wouldn 't want that . " I was shocked ! Mark was right . Mark knew . But I still didn 't understand why . Jim explained that he had already given up his son , and he couldn 't say goodbye to him again . Ohhh . . . . the silence I had felt from Jim was not indifference , nor pain . It was an ice pack , deliberately constructed to eliminate all feeling , and avoid human touch . He was terribly hurt - and hurting - and I had misunderstood . But Mark knew ! R : How did you know ? M : I felt him . . . what he was feeling , so I knew he didn 't want me to come back . R : But Jim said it was alright for me to talk to you . M : Yes , but he doesn 't want to talk to you about it . R : Right . He 'll listen , but he won 't talk . That was a typical comment . I just couldn 't get any real advice from Mark . He made sure I knew at all times that all decisions were mine . I could stop the conversation just by turning my attention away . In the beginning , those first few days after Mark was killed , my attention was completely on him and the other children who were in the car . His sister Jane had a compound fracture of the leg , and glass was imbedded in her face from the windshield . Gene , the boy in the back seat , had a chipped vertebrae - chipped on the front of the vertebrae , by the larynx . He went through excruciating pain with the halo head brace and surgery . Amy , the girl who was in the back seat , had gone between the two bucket seats in the front , through the windshield , and back in the broken windshield only to eventually land on the stick shift . She lost a lot of front teeth , and required extensive stitches and surgery . It was very touching , that very first day . Those children in such terrible pain themselves , bursting into tears when we entered the room - expressing their sympathy at our loss of Mark . They were alive , but were in terrible shape . The injuries were awful . I sat with her for a while . . . she kept asking about Mark and I 'd tell her he was in the other room . . . I didn 't tell her he was dead . . . then she 'd ask about her earrings . We had given her pierced earrings for Christmas . They were very tiny , just a small oval with hand painted pink flowers . The oval that hung from the stud was about a quarter of an inch long . I kept telling her that the earrings were okay . The fact of the matter was , they weren 't okay . One was still in her ear . I removed it . The other had been torn out and was gone . It 's so awful . Mark : I 'll help you find the earring . It 's in the car . R : What car ? M : My car . R : Where ? M : I 'll show you . Too many things were happening then . We were arranging for the funeral , and calling relatives , etc . , so the trip to the car didn 't happen right away . However , the next week , I woke up early . R : Mark , this is it . Let 's go . M : Call the police . So I called the police and asked where they towed the car . They gave me the address and general directions . Mark and I started driving . When I arrived , I signed in and asked to see Mark 's car . The guys at the lot looked at each other . None of them wanted to take me to see it . Then one man said to another - - - " You show her . . . " So we walked outside . It was another dreary day , cloudy and cold . It was late in the afternoon . . . and what happened changed my life . There was a large van on the right blocking my view of the car as we walked down the wreckage aisle . The guy was nervous and walked more and more slowly . . . and finally he asked me if I really wanted to do this . I replied " yes , " but that he didn 't have to go with me . He wanted assurances that I would be okay . Naively , I said I 'd be okay . I was right . . . but I was also wrong . I 'd be forever changed . He turned and walked back to the garage , saying over his shoulder : " It 's just past that big van , lady . On the right . " And he disappeared into thin air . The wind blew cold as I stood alone in the aisle . I still couldn 't see the car . . . but I knew I would soon . I wanted to find Jane 's earring . There it was . It was incredible . The front of the Mustang was pushed back to the front seat . The windshield was out . The doors were displaced . The tires were twisted . There was glass on the dashboard . The car was as wrecked as my life . The starch went out of me . The pain rose to the surface and I groaned along with the kids in the car . There was no way to avoid feeling it . The pain was intense . His sun glasses were wrapped around the windshield wiper . There were teeth on the floor of the car . There was blood on the dashboard . . . and on the stick shift . . . and between the bucket seats . . . and on the seats . . . and there was homework , and books , and pencils , and a notebook with assignments - waiting for someone . The wind blew through the space where the windows used to be . And then l touched the steering wheel . Mark had been wrapped around it . it was now folded down toward the drive shaft . And there it was - the Mustang . . the insignia . . . the circle of steel that hit Mark 's heart . . . it was ended so fast ! I cried . terrible . I looked around in the debris . No earring . 1 got out , and climbed into the back seat behind the driver . I got another surprise . Not only was Mark impaled on the steering wheel shaft , but he was also shoved into it from the back . Gene was thrown forward so violently that his arm went through the back of Mark 's seat . He had apparently tried to brace himself on the back of Mark 's chair . The 1966 Mustangs didn 't have all the safety features that are standard today . l doubt that the seats even locked in position since it was a two door car . When the impact occurred , Mark was thrown forward and then also crushed from behind . Nothing in the back seat but more indescribably touching remembrances of a school day , and death . . . I got out , walked around the car , and sat where Jane was sitting . Again , nothing but my own tears . Her car door was stuck - as though it were rusty . Actually it wasn 't clearing the fender very well anymore . I had to push hard to get the door to open from the inside . I did the entire rotation again . I ran my hand all along the floor . I told myself that I would not get cut on any of the glass . I absolutely refused to be injured . I would not allow that to happen . 1 wouldn 't be able to take physical pain on top of all the emotional pain l was already feeling . Apparently , my demand worked . I wasn 't cut . I sifted through the glass and the teeth and the blood and the books . . . and rotated around all the seats . Still no earring . I was struck silent . And frozen to the spot . A pencil stood straight up on its eraser when I slammed the car door . It was standing where the windshield wiper used to be . . . with the eraser stuck under the hood . Instinctively I knew to look where it was pointing . Look where the pencil is . . . . in the tiny area at the base of the would - be windshield , lay the earring . It was laying flat , on the ledge , about to fall into the guts of that pitiful machine . What do I do ? I can 't pick it up . My fingers won 't fit in there . I 've only got one chance . No mistakes . 1 licked my index finger , pressed it mightily against the pretty pink flowers on the oval earring , and withdrew the prize easily . Thank you , thank you , thank you . . . . I was two feet off the ground when I left the lot . I 'm certain the attendants thought the situation strange . . . they knew who I was . And I 'm certain they saw me leave - grinning , laughing , happy . How could they possibly know the miracle that had occurred . 1 found one quarter inch of heaven in the middle of hell . . . and grabbed it and ran ! M : I did it for Jane . I used you because you were ready . You 're the only one who 's ready for me ! R : I 'm not really sure I 'm ready for you at all . I don 't even have my " normal everyday " life together . M : All that stuff doesn 't mean anything . The real issues are attitude - approach - feelings - considerations - the way you do things - the undercurrent . M : Life is a continuum . There 's no difference between life and life after death . You 're just in a different place doing things a different way . That 's all . My life hasn 't stopped . It 's just changed . For instance , I 've already seen Elmer . ( a relative who died some months before . I got impressions of seeing him from afar . Elmer was in a different " division . " ) M : Yeah . Here , try this : ( I 'm lost in amazement . . . in awe of the mysteries that we are unaware of . We can 't see what is all around us - all over , if we could only see ! ) R : Mark , can you come back ? M : Yes , that 's one of my options . R : Have you decided what you 're going to do yet ? M : No , but I 'm thinking about it . Naturally , I immediately assumed that Mark was going to come back , and so I became very interested in pregnant women . I assumed that Mark was in there someplace . M : It doesn 't work like that . R : What do you mean ? M : I mean that I don 't have to become a baby some time after January 19 , 1976 . I can come back before then . ( confusion on my part ) M : Let me see if I can show you . . . I got some strange pictures or impressions , but I couldn 't get any clear idea of what Mark was saying . I got the impression of vastness , a wholeness that had no parts and a lot of noise and nothing but quiet . l never did get the idea . I got very confused and so had Mark stop . encased in them but you can 't see it . It 's amazing to me that you can 't see it . R : Thanks a bunch . So help me see it ! M : You need to be quiet . Just quiet things down . I have to keep busy just to keep myself from thinking . M : Go along with your feelings and inclinations . . . but don 't be afraid to pursue a thought . I feel sorry for you . You have to follow things , like " a " to " b " to " c " or from one to two . You can 't see everything . Remember , it 's all around you . It 's glorious . It hasn 't been " glorious ever after , " and it didn 't seem glorious before January , 1976 , either . I had been having nightmares for months and months . I was waking crying and screaming . I was seeing an accident . And someone was killed . And I was hysterical . And l cried and cried . Jim thought I was losing my mind . He suggested I see a professional . I was about to call a break when I noticed that it had begun to snow . It was 3 : 25 PM . 1 walked to the window - and got " spacey " . When I got myself back together , I suggested that we shorten the break and get done early so everyone could get home before the rush . I dismissed class at 4 : 15 . But I didn 't go home . l was staying for something . I sat at my desk and put innocent items away . . . and waited . The phone rang at 5 : 05 . it was my husband . Jim . Jim : There 's been an accident . Mark is dead . R : Where are you ? I 'll be right there . It 's snowing , so it might take a while . When I hung up , it hit me . I knew ahead of time . . . literally . I don 't want to know ahead of time . I murmured that phrase again and again . . . and then began screaming it . . . . " I don 't want to know ahead of time . Mark is dead , Mark is dead . " My boss , John , was in his office two doors away from me . I was lost . I was wandering . I went into his office and delivered my message . " I don 't want to know ahead of time . Mark is dead . " Somehow I got to my car that night . I wanted to drive alone , even though John didn 't think it wise . I wanted to drive alone because I wanted to scream and cry at my leisure . . . which I did . It was 20 miles in the snow to the hospital . . . with stop / go lights all the way . l was rocking back and forth in the seat , holding on to the steering wheel . Mark was with me even then . . . . R : Mark , what the hell were you doing ! ? I can 't believe this is happening ! What happened to you ? Are you all smashed up ? When I got to the hospital , a cop was speaking with Jim . He was cruel . He was assigning blame . He was cruel . He was waving a clipboard . On it was the long form he had filled out at the scene of the accident . He was explaining that the road conditions were bad and Mark was driving too fast , not over the speed limit , but obviously too fast to drive safely . And there were no skid marks on the pavement . . . but the pavement was wet . . . and there were people around . . . but no one saw the brake lights go on . He must have been driving too fast . . . kids . . . just driving too fast . Like I said , he was cruel . I asked Jim what happened to Mark . Before he could answer , the cop replied that Mark 's neck was broken . I stared him right in the eye : I told Jim that I wanted to find Mark 's clothes . He said that he told the funeral home to get rid of them . I wanted to see the damage on the clothes . I wanted to touch everything I could . 1 asked Mark - he told me that the clothes were in a box at the funeral home , so I headed there . One of those eternally kind men employed by funeral homes met me at the door . I wanted to relax in his arms . I was so tired of holding myself together . He went downstairs and retrieved the box . . . tennis shoes , socks , a Levi 's shirt , and jeans . . . very little blood on the lower leg of the jeans . . . very little on his shirt . Mark was right . It was over very fast . Confirmation . I asked about Mark 's ring , since it wasn 't in the box . The kind gentleman told me that it was probably removed at the hospital . His experience was that folks had very little luck getting personal possessions back . So I went to various offices at county hospital until I got his " DOA " bag by signing my name followed by " relationship : mother " . I put the " step - " in front of " mother " with light pressure from my fingernail . No one could see it but me . Mark laughed about my conflict in signing the fake relationship . The envelope contained all that he had " on his person " when they brought him in that night . An almost empty pack of Kool light cigarettes , a change purse from Roosevelt Federal , a parking receipt , a ticket stub from a movie , a black comb and the senior ring they had cut off his finger . Clutching the DOA bag , I went to the coroner 's office - - - I mean right up to the office where he works , if you know what I mean . I walked around by myself - no one around . It was clean . and white . . . and tidy . . . and I couldn 't imagine Mark laying on this table with all these people gathered around while they cut and examined and determined and recorded . . . I couldn 't see it happening . That 's because it didn 't happen . A nurse stumbled across me with great surprise . When I identified myself as a distraught mother gathering what was left of a 17 year old boy , she was understanding and helpful . We sat down and she got the records . They weren 't official yet - too early for a death certificate . But the doctor had described the cause of death . She couldn 't give me a copy , but she translated what it said . It was his heart . It was disconnected by the blow . . . the steering wheel . They didn 't do a full autopsy . They didn 't need to . . he hadn 't been drinking . He was just a kid coming home from school with three other teenagers in the car . She helped heal me that day . She told me , with the news of how he died , that this really was happening . Mark was talking to me . Mark was telling me things that only he could know at the time . Just hours after he died , he told me what killed him by letting me feel what happened to his heart . Mark : You 'd better write it down . R : Why ? I 'll never forget this . M : That 's not the point . You 'll have problems later - you 'll think you were making it up , but now you know . It 's not faith or hope anymore . R : I feel like I want to tell everyone who 's lost someone . I want to help people understand death . M : Keep going . Don 't stop . But there 's a lot of people who won 't understand . It 's important for you to keep believing . Someday , your faith in yourself and your story will be tested . So I took notes , and recorded all the conclusions and observations , until . . . M : I have to talk to you . I 've made up my mind . I 've decided to go on to another place . R : What other place ? M : I 'm not coming back to where you are . I 'm going somewhere else . ( Suddenly , I 'm traveling light - years in a second - out to the far reaches of the universe . It 's a completely different place . It 's purple . and what Mark will learn there is very specific . He 's signed up for a specific course . He 'll have to make it on his own . . . learn everything again as though he never knew it . But there 's a goal , an objective . It 's a single thing he 's signed up to learn and the best place to learn it is here , in this far corner of the universe . ) R : When are you leaving ? M : Not for a while yet . That 's why I 'm here . I want you to think of all the questions you want answered . I won 't be back for a while . R : Do I have to think of them now ? M : Yeah . Got any questions ? R : Is God up there ? M : That 's interesting . I haven 't even thought about " God . " I haven 't looked for him . ( God is everywhere . He 's the baseline . There 's background and foreground and ground . He 's ground . He can 't be " found . " There 's no place to look . ) eternity . " We just are for all eternity . R : Are there kids there ? M : Yeah , but they 're not really kids . They 're just " people . " Just ' us . " ( When children die , they transform into what they really were all along . 1 saw this as an optical illusion , where I saw a child one second and an adult another , and then an aged spirit simultaneously . ) M : There 's lots of people here , but when it 's quiet , no one is here . . . and it 's everywhere . ( . . . empty space which fills in with images whenever attention is directed somehow . . not clear , but had strong impression that it was right here where I was . Like it was all around me . . . and I am part of it too . ) I was driving on a sunny spring day . The air was light and warm . A really perfect day . Then I was aware that Mark was with me . M : You can 't reach me directly . But I have a friend . ( relay information - like a contact at another level who can pass the message on . Has something to do with interference patterns . Saw images scrambled . Needed this person in between to understand and transmit the picture on . ) R : How do I reach him ? M : When you need him , he 'll be there . R : Ok . Good luck . I hope you get what you 're looking for . M : Would you do me a favor ? R : Sure . Anything . M : Would you drive by the park ? I 'd like to see the trees . I drove along a very scenic drive , that went through the middle of the city park . I seemed to be the only one on the road . Everything became quiet , even the sound of my car faded . As a looked out the window at the trees , the scene began to change . 1 saw light . The light was streaming out in all directions from the leaves , the branches . . . and the grass . The colors were like none I 've ever seen . The trees were transparent and fading into the light . The sound was glorious . . . coming from the light . . . . I wished him well - and let him go . I still feel close to Mark when I 'm outside on a clear night . 1 don 't know if Mark is in this reality . Perhaps the " planet " he 's on isn 't in this frame of reference . . . I can 't tell . But I did get the impression that there are lots of " training locations " all over . The one Mark chose was just one of millions . From that perspective , I suppose we 're experiencing just one of millions , too . Did Mark come back ? No . not yet . But I was contacted by his friend . He heard me cry out . And told me to write the book . So I did . |
I began my career quite by accident . I was a fan of the local professional indoor soccer team in Wichita , Kansas . I decided to skip school one day to attend the team 's practice . I was an artist and wanted to spend my afternoon sketching the players . So much more fun than algebra or government . I sat for hours drawing sketch after sketch , completely oblivious to everything else around me . " How would you like to work for the team ? We just lost our staff artist and could use someone like you . " I will never forget those words or the man who spoke them . He was Steve Shaad , general manager of the Wichita Wings . So it began . I was 17 - years - old , still a junior in high school , and I was working for a professional sports team . The league had a magazine . The magazine was divided into a national section and a local . I worked for years as the staff artist for the local section in Wichita . I had moved to Sonderborg , Denmark in 2014 and am currently living in Dusseldorf , Germany where I am working as a freelance journalist and trying to build a new career as an author . I am seeking work in writing , editing , public relations , advertising and design . You will find samples of some of my best work on this site . All the photos you see on this site are my work . Posted on August 21 , 2016 by Dianne Burckhardt Reply I haven 't posted anything new here for a while . I have been busy trying to get my career as an author going for about ten months now . It all started while we were living in Denmark in 2014 . I wasn 't having much luck finding work there so I decided to fall back on my journalism degree and started working online as a ghostwriter . I wrote two small books through a freelance service . The first book was about essential oils , how to choose them and how to use them . It even had several recipes . The second book was a western . I have always wanted to write novels but I had never , even once , thought about writing westerns . I was so shocked at how much I loved it . So much so , I chose to make my first book project a western series . First , I need to finish my western series which has three more novellas that need to come out in the next few months . Then I want to write the autobiography . After that who knows what I will write next . I hope I have a long life ahead of me because I 'm going to need the time to get all of these stories out . " Don 't slam the … " her mother stopped yelling as the screen door slammed back into place . " … door . " She said quietly to herself . She just smiled and shook her head as she went back to washing the lunch dishes . Ashley hadn 't heard a word her mother had said . She was on a mission . The ice cream truck was pulling away and she was not about miss it . Her mother rarely let her get ice cream and she was going to make sure she got hers today . Ashley ran just ahead of the truck and waved at the driver . The man behind the wheel smiled and waved and pulled back to the curb . He went to the back , opened the service window and leaned out on the ledge . " I 'm going to be 6 this summer . Mom says I get to go to real school this year . I 'm all done with preschool . " Ashley smiled at the man then started eating her popsicle . She looked at her hand that held the wrapper then looked around trying to decide what to do with it . Ashley walked slowly towards her house but instead of going back inside she walked past her house and went two lots over . Her neighborhood had a small playground there the size of one house lot . It was so nice out today Ashley just wanted to lay on the little hill by the swing sets and look at the sky while she ate her popsicle . The grass and earth felt warm under the summer sun . Ashley kicked off her shoes and wiggled her toes in the grass . If her mom would let her , she 'd run around barefoot all the time . Ashley closed her eyes and felt the warmth of the sun warm her as she sucked on the cold icy popsicle . She started humming to herself when a shadow blocked out the sun 's light . Ashley opened her eyes and saw who was standing over her . She knew the man . He lived on their block and was friends with her parents but she couldn 't think of his name . He smiled at her . The man looked toward Ashley 's house . " I was hoping she wouldn 't mind letting me borrow you for a while . I just bought some clothes for my niece who is your age and I was hoping you would tell me if you think she would like them or not . I have no idea what a girl your age would want to wear . Think you could help me ? " He smiled at Ashley . The man stood up . " Come on . Let 's go ask your Mom . We 'll see if she wants to come along . She can tell me what she thinks too . " The man reached down and picked up Ashley 's shoes and held a hand out for her . Back in the house , Ashley 's mom , Lauren , was just finishing up the dishes . Walking through the house she picked up a few toys off the floor and put them on the coffee table then headed to the laundry room to switch the loads . Once she got the machines going again and the previous load folded and put away she made herself a cup of tea and sat down with her current book . Lauren was reading the latest Mercy book by Patricia Briggs . She loved that series and couldn 't wait to get back to it . She set the alarm on her cell phone to let her know when it would be time to switch the laundry again . She knew if she didn 't she would get so lost in her book and would read for hours and never finish the laundry today . The alarm on Lauren 's phone began to chime . She put down her book and stretched and reached for her phone . It was 2 PM . She had been reading for an hour straight . She stretched again and went to finish the laundry . As she went from room to room putting away all of clean clothes she realized she was still alone in the house . Stepping out into the warm air Lauren took a deep breath . She could smell the hyacinths she had planted by the porch last year . She loved that smell . Lauren stepped off the porch and headed to the park . She expected to find Ashley asleep on the hill in the park . It wouldn 't be the first time . When Lauren reached the park it was empty . Lauren started to get a little nervous . Looking around she surveyed the neighborhood again . She didn 't see her daughter anywhere . She could feel the panic starting to fill her chest . Lauren ran to the nearest group of children and asked them if they had seen Ashley . Peter , who lives across the street from them , said he had seen her going into the park before 1 PM but he hadn 't seen her since then . No one else had seen her . Lauren thanked him and told all the kids that if they see her to tell her to come straight home . They all agreed . Rachel Ferris tried to manage the 6 soccer balls she was carrying . Walking down the hall to the locker room was proving to be a real challenge . She was doing her best to weave between various spectators who were milling around the tunnel that leads from the field to the locker rooms . She was just about to the gate that leads to the locker room when someone bumped into her sending one of the balls bouncing away . Officer Krantz smiled and said , " You hear a lot of things working security . After a while the players just walk past us talking to each other and don 't even notice us . " Officer Krantz laughed again and said , " Don 't worry , your secret is safe with me , as long as you are only signing the balls that are being given away . " " I 've only done it once and they were given away . " Rachel shifted trying to keep the balls in her arms in balance . " I 'd cross my heart but that might be a bit hard right now . " Rachel looked from the ball to the locker room . She still had quite a distance to walk with all the balls in her arms . " Um … would you mind holding onto that while I go drop these in the locker room and I 'll come back and get it ? Rachel asked . Officer Krantz laughed , " Sure thing . " Just then Officer Krantz got a phone call . He turned his attention to his phone as Rachel headed off to the locker room . Luckily the door was propped open . All the doors in this part of the building had key pad locks . It would have been a challenge to get through and not drop more balls . Rachel went into the side team room where the table was and sat the balls on the table . She pulled several permanent markers out of her back pocket and laid them on the table as well . Rachel headed back to retrieve the last ball from Officer Krantz . Rachel felt her heart sink . Officer Krantz and a handful of the other police working security worked in the Missing and Exploited Children 's Unit . If he was called to work that could only mean one thing , a child was in danger and they had to act fast . As Rachel was walking back into the locker room she felt her cell phone vibrate in her pocket . Pulling it out she noticed it was an Amber Alert on her phone . She had signed up for the service months ago . Tapping on the screen brought up the photo of a smiling little girl in a Pink shirt with a purple flower on the front . Above the photo was the word missing in big block letters . Rachel had a feeling she knew what had pulled Officer Krantz back into work . Rachel looked at the clock on the library wall . It was only 5 minutes after the last time she had looked . Sometimes having study hall the last hour of her school day was a blessing and sometimes , like today , it was complete hell . Persons who inherit one sickle cell gene from one parent will have the " sickle cell trait . " Individuals with the sickle cell trait are also known as carriers . For carriers , the condition is benign and never develops into sickle cell anemia . The abnormal shape of the sickled cells makes it difficult for them to pass through the blood vessels . The sickled cells can get clogged in the vessels and block normal blood flow . This can cause a loss of oxygen to the vital organs and tissues . It is the lack of oxygen that causes some of the symptoms experienced by those with sickle cell anemia . Due to the development of increasingly effective treatments , those with sickle cell anemia can live well into their 40s . It is possible for people with the disease to lead normal lives that include holding down a job and raising a family . The key is early detection and treatment . " The reason why we can get it at no charge is that we send it to Wesley , " said Baker . " They do them for the whole general area . So the turnaround time ( for results ) is about two weeks . " Posted on October 24 , 2014 by Dianne Burckhardt Reply The minute Remy began to regain consciousness ; he knew something was not right . He was cold and damp and could smell too many earthy smells . The fact that he was naked was troubling too . He could feel things scratching and poking against his bare skin . Unsure of why he was naked and what he would find when he opened his eyes , he kept still and listened . Nothing seemed to be moving nearby . The wind was blowing gently through trees and somewhere not too far away a rusty hinge was crying out in desperate need of oil . Remy suspected that , wherever he was , he was alone . Slowly , he opened his eyes . As Remy sat up he closed his eyes and stretched . Involuntarily , he yawned . He must have slept deep , he felt sluggish and everything ached , probably from sleeping on the cold damp ground . He stretched again and took a deep breath , that is when he smelled it : blood . Remy froze and opened his eyes . He tried to push his senses to search everything in his surroundings . The only sounds were still the wind in the trees and the whine of the hinge . He smelled the earth , the rotting leaves , and blood . He still felt alone . Slowly he began to turn his head to take in the full view of the forest around him . The sight behind him was macabre . His mind tried to make sense of the devastation he was seeing . His first thought was it looked like a grotesque Jackson Pollock interpretation of slaughter . His mind didn 't seem to want to understand what he was looking at . There was much too much to take in . About 50 feet away , at the far edge of the clearing , was an outcropping of rocks . One boulder sat in the middle of the grouping . It was large and flat on top and looked like table with an odd collection of stone seats around it . In the center of the table was a heap of meat and bones . It looked like Thanksgiving dinner for werewolves . Splatters dotted the scene as unidentified chunks oozed and dripped from the edges of things . A faint haze seemed to distort the air above the chaotic pile of flesh . It looked like a dark cloud floating and curing like a storm cloud before all hell broke loose . Flies had found the kill . Remy swallowed the bile that rose as he continued to stare at the pile trying to make sense of the mess . His eyes finally focused on a something near the bottom of the heap . He kept staring , trying to get his brain to make sense of what he was seeing . Suddenly his mind deciphered the image . He was looking at a face , a human face . His eyes locked on to the clear blue eye and empty eye socket that was staring back at him . Remy took a few slow breaths to try to calm down . Sitting back on his heels , Remy kept his back to the slaughter . What the hell had happened here and did he have anything to do with this ? Remy took another calming breath and opened his eyes . On the forest floor in front of him was the contents of his stomach . Sitting in the middle , staring up at him , was the remnants of one clear blue eye . The realization of what he was looking at hit Remy like a hammer to the chest . Panic overtook him and he started crab - walking backward trying to distance himself from the evidence of his crime . His hand hit in a wet spot and slid causing him to land , splayed out on his back . Lifting his hand he saw it was coated in blood and mud and bits of forest debris . Remy started to hyperventilate as he realized he had backed up right into hell 's dining room . Overhead a raven squawked its displeasure at Remy 's movements . Remy looked up just as the raven took flight . It had apparently been dinning on , what appeared to be , part of the intestines . As the bird took flight the limb it had been sitting on bounced , sending its dinner bouncing along with it . Splatters of dark blood and other matter found in intestines showered down over his face and upper body . That was when he lost all control . Remy jumped to his feet and ran . He didn 't know where he was or where he was going but he knew he had to put as much distance between himself and that scene as he could . He knew he was hyperventilating and most likely going into shock but he didn 't care . He had to keep running . Remy pushed himself until he could barely take a breath . He was getting dizzy and finally tripped sending him crashing to the ground where an unfortunately placed rock connected with his more tender bits and took even more of his breath away . He lay in the dirt in the fetal position panting . Remy had no idea how long he lay there . He thought he might have even lost consciousness at one point . When he finally rolled onto his back and looked at the sky he knew it had to be late afternoon but he wasn 't sure what day it was . Remy tried not to think about the clearing and thought he should focus on finding out where he was and how to get home . Given that he was naked , finding clothes might be a good start . As he lay looking at the sky , he noticed the sound of the creaking hinge was much louder . He had run toward the only sign of civilization he had . Rolling over , Remy stayed flat on the ground and looked around . There was an old wire fence not far from him . Letting his eyes follow the line it led straight to what looked like an old barn . Looking around Remy didn 't see a house close by . Slowly he stood up as he continued to check the surroundings . When Remy was finally standing up he could see the farmhouse several acres away . Slowly he started toward the barn . He was trying to keep watch on his surroundings with all of his sense . When he reached the gate that had been his beacon , he saw that it was actually chained so that he couldn 't open it enough to walk through . The top was further protected with strands of barbed wire , as was the top of the fence surrounding the area . Nothing was going to be easy or pleasant today . Considering his state of undress , Remy decided that trying to climb either the gate or the fence was not a good idea . He decided the best bet was to try to squeeze through opening . Pushing as hard as he could , Remy forced the gate to yield as much as the chain would let him . He was just beginning to push through , the wires sticking out from the fence already adding more nicks and cuts to his body , when he looked at the hinges . The hinges on the gate were old hooked pin style hinges . Remy smiled and silently thanked God for this one small favor . He reached over and grabbed the pin and with a little work was able to get the pins to pull out . Once on the other side he replaced the pins and headed toward the barn . Remy slowly entered the barn , ready to run again if he ran into anyone . His second gift from God that day was the barn was empty except for an old horse trying to get the last few bits of feed out of a trough . A breeze came through the barn from behind Remy and carried his scent toward the horse . As soon as it reached him , the horse reared and whinnied and bolted from the barn putting distance between him and the predator he smelled . Horses had never liked Remy . Looking around the barn it was old but obviously well kempt . One side was a large open area with one end open to a pasture . There were a few small rooms that were obviously meant to house animals in the more harsh weather , and the far side was a small dairy room set up for milking a few cows . In the dairy room was a small bathroom that looked like a newer addition . No doubt the people who worked this farm had gotten tired of either doing their business out in the field or trekking all the way back to the house when the need arose and had this room added in . On one wall were two hooks . Each had an apron hanging on it . It wasn 't the clothing option he could hope for it was better than walking around nude . Remy went to clean up in the sink . Hooked to the wall above the sink was an old metal medicine cabinet with a mirror on the door . The image he saw in that mirror was another shock he hadn 't expected today . His hair was a wild riot of twigs , leaves , and what he assumed was a mixture of blood , gore , and dirt . His face looked like he had at some point bobbed for apples in a vat of blood . His entire body was a riddled with nicks and cuts and what looked like a few claw marks . Remy tried not to think and just began cleaning himself up . He was not surprised to find out there was no hot water . It took a good long time to get even a semblance of being clean given the layers he was trying to scrub off in the small basin . It was made harder by the fact that he was trying to not leave a mess behind to alert the owners to what had been cleaned up in their bathroom . It was bad enough he was going to have to take their aprons . When he was satisfied that he was as clean as he was going to be able to get he looked in the medicine cabinet . Inside were a few things you might expect in a barn bathroom : a big jar of bag balm , a tin of Band - Aids , a glass bottle of Mercurochrome , and a few rolls of gauze and first - aid tape . It was obvious they hadn 't had to restock their supplies in a good long time and they didn 't seem to worry about expiration dates . Remy wondered if you could even still buy Mercurochrome . Remy did a quick doctoring of his worst wounds . He was lucky that he healed faster than most but the deep wounds would still take a while . Keeping them as clean as possible was still a good idea . When he was patched up , Remy reached for the aprons . They were slightly soiled but not too bad . The worst part was they had a faint smell of sour milk . He assumed their owners wore them while milking and tending to the few dairy cows the family kept . Remy took the first apron and folded over the bib and moved it around behind him to literally cover his ass . Wrapping the strings around his waist he tied them off then reached for the second apron . Slipping the neck string over his head he adjusted the apron to cover his front and wrapped the strings around his waist and tied them off behind his back . This outfit wouldn 't win him any fashion awards but at least he wasn 't walking around buck ass naked anymore . Remy suddenly realized he was starving . He took a few good drinks of water from the facet . At least is tasted like it was fit for drinking even if it did taste like it was heavy on minerals . Remy decided to look around the barn and see if he could find anything of use . There was a tack room and near that a set of stair leading up to a hay loft . In the tack room , Remy found the usual saddles , bridals , and horse blankets . On one wall hung a few tools including a few knives that could come in handy . There were also barrels with different kinds of feed for the horses and cattle . Remy was starving . There was no doubt that he had eaten something , or someone , recently but he had left that meal on the ground in the clearing . His stomach was really starting to protest the lack of food . Remy decided to give the barrel with what looked like oats of some kind a try . He reached in and took a handful . He hesitated long enough for his stomach to growl its objection to the delay then shoved the oats into his mouth . It was so dry it made it hard to swallow . He decided it might be better to see if he could find something to put them in and try adding a little water to them . Poor man 's oatmeal didn 't sound so bad . He was sure people had survived on worse at some point in history . Looking around there was a cabinet on the wall at the back of the room . It looked like it was a quick afternoon project made from a few pieces of plywood quickly slapped together . In the cabinet were a few old coffee cans filled with odds and ends . Remy picked out the least rusted one to use as a makeshift bowl . On the bottom shelf was a burlap sack . For some reason Remy took it out and was thrilled to find it was filled with carrots . This had to be a treat bag for the horse . He hoped the horse would forgive him for the theft but right now Remy needed them worse than the horse did . Searching through a few more containers Remy found some sugar cubes and decided to take them too . He had no idea how long it was going to take him to get home and he might need them for energy if he couldn 't find more palatable food . Plain sugar was better than starvation even if only slightly . Remy went back to the barrel and filled his can with oats . He grabbed one of the knives and a pair of wire cutters and dropped them in the burlap sack with the carrots and sugar . Remy grabbed one of the horse blankets as he headed to the bathroom again for some water . After his meal was prepared he retired to the hayloft . If he could get a little sleep maybe he could figure things out . At each end of the loft was a big square door that Remy knew was used to load and unload hay bales . Beams stuck out above the doors with a pulley and rope attached for raising the bales . There were also a few trap doors that opened into the different animal stalls in the lower level so fresh hay could be dumped in the rooms . One side of the loft was stacked from floor to ceiling with bales while on the other side near the trap door were a few piles where bales had been broken open to push through the doors . Remy walked to the end of the loft and looked out the open door . He could see a small farm house several acres away . Like the barn , it looked older but not unkempt . There was a truck , a car and motorcycle out front . Behind the house he could see a clothes line that was unfortunately bare of any clothes he could steal . He could tell people were home . Remy sat back away from the doorway and ate his oatmeal and watched the house . Lights came on and went off as he watched and a slow steady stream of smoke signaled from the fireplace . What he wouldn 't give for a warm bed and hot meal in that home right now . A yawn forced its way out and his eyes seemed to be getting harder to keep open . Remy carried his food to the wall of hay bales and started to climb . He laughed as the thought he probably looked like a psycho Santa climbing the stack with his pack hanging over his shoulder . When he reached the top he crawled to the wall . Setting his supplies to the side , Remy maneuvered two bales out of their places to make a small pit . Using the wire cutter he had found in the tack room he broke open the two bales and dumped one in the bottom of the pit to make a bed . The other he spread around the tops of the other bales to hide the fact that is was out of place just in case anyone should come in while he was sleeping they wouldn 't notice an odd bale out of place and come investigate . Remy suspected that he was begin overly cautious but considering the day he had had that didn 't seem like a bad idea . Laying there Remy stared at the beams and listened to the sounds of the farm around him . He wanted to sleep and forget everything he had seen since he woke up naked in the forest . Where was he ? How did he get here ? Who was that on the table and did he kill them ? How could he not know the answers to any of this ? As Remy 's thoughts drifted back to that eyeball staring at him from the forest floor he was startled by a phone ringing . Jumping up , he crawled over to the edge of the tower of hay bales . The sound was coming from down stairs . Quickly he moved toward the sound wanting to find the phone before it quit ringing . Near the main door where Remy had come in the barn was a small wooden box on the wall . It looked like it was made with the same material and care that the cabinet in the tack room had been made . The ringing was coming from inside . Just as Remy opened the box the phone stopped ringing . He smiled when he saw it . It fit with these surroundings . The phone was an old dark green rotary dial phone . Assuming that the phone was on the same line as the phone in the farm house , Remy carefully picked up the handset while holding down the receiver arm . Slowly he let the arm up , trying to be as quiet as possible . Posted on October 22 , 2014 by Dianne Burckhardt Reply Rachel Crowe pulled into her driveway and hit the garage door opener . She cursed the thing as she frantically pushed the button several times . She was late and she knew he would be angry . As soon as the door cleared the roof of the car , Rachel sped into the garage . She had to slam on the breaks to keep from hitting a tool box . She quickly turned off the engine and ripped the keys out of the ignition and began to frantically gather up her belongings . She lost her grip on her purse and watched as it fell upside down in the floor of the passenger side of the car , spilling everything that had been inside . " No ! No ! No ! " Rachel screamed as she threw her keys on top of the pile . She wanted to cry but instead she just gripped the steering wheel tight and took a deep breath . When she let it out she checked the time . She still had 2 minutes by her dash clock but she knew it was his clock that mattered , not hers . If she was late again he would punish her . Rachel leaned over to grab her keys but stopped when she caught her reflection in the rear - view mirror . Her eyes looked wild and it surprised her . She stared at herself for a moment . She looked desperate . Rachel wondered when her life had turned so bad . No , bad was the wrong word . . . complicated . She couldn 't remember any one defining moment but then life rarely changes in a flash , it 's more subtle . Things happen in small stages , things you don 't even think about until it 's too late . Rachel stared at herself and wondered if it was too later for her . Her eyes slid to the clock . One minute left . She felt her heart race knowing what was in store for her tonight . Her heart pounded but not from fear . There was a little fear but that was not what made her heart pound in her ears , she was excited . She felt her breath quickening as she thought about what was to come and she was ashamed by her reaction . Rachel leaned over the passenger seat and began to slowly pick up all her belongings and put them back in her purse . She calmly gathered the rest of her things from the back seat and got out of the car . She started to smile as walked she toward the door to her home but it was not a happy smile . She knew without seeing her reflection that she had wicked look on her face and she didn 't care . Rachel was thinking about him and what he was going to do to her tonight . She knew it would hurt , probably even leave a few marks . He had done that before but he was always careful to make sure they were where her clothes would cover them up . This part of her life was secret and he had always honored that . When she opened the door , her house was quiet . It had been hard coming home to an empty house after the divorce but Rachel had gotten used to it . She stepped into the kitchen and placed all her things on the island and pulled out her laptop . After her computer came up , she signed on to her account at the chat site . Her screen name was la Bestia . La Bestia was Spanish for the beast . A lot of men in the chat rooms made comments asking if that was how she was in bed , but it had nothing to do with that . Rachel had always loved the story , Beauty and the Beast . But while most girls identified with Beauty , Rachel always identified with the beast . A creature who shied away from relationships , destined to be alone and lonely for the rest of his life . The only problem Rachel had with the fairy tales was that love always seemed to win out in the end . What a load ! In the story , Beauty sees past the appearance of the beast to see the real person inside and falls in love with him in spite of his looks . Rachel didn 't believe that would work if Beauty had been a man . She had seen beautiful women with average to unattractive men all the time . Women fall in love with the person then they become attracted to the body . With men they are attracted to the body then they fall in love with the person . Rachel knew that if Beauty had been a man , there would have been no happy ending . Hell , he probably would have led the march on the castle himself . Life never works as well as fiction . Rachel was pulled from her thoughts as she heard the voice of Hannibal Lecter saying Hello Clarice then telling her she had mail . Rachel had replaced the regular voice greeting to the celebrity voice clip as soon as it was available . Hearing Hannibal Lecter everyday was very creepy and it amused her . Rachel waited for a reply but it didn 't come . She sat there staring at the screen , afraid of what he was going to say next and terrified that he may not say anything at all . Just when Rachel was moving to type to ask if he was still there , his reply popped up on the screen . Please sir , I 'm begging you . I am so sorry I was late . I will do whatever it takes to make this up to you . Please just don 't leave me like this . I want to learn , sir . I need you to teach me . It took me so long to find someone I trust , to find you . Rachel held her breath as she waited for his reply . The screen stayed blank and unmoving for what seemed a very long time . Finally , his reply came through . Rachel paused for a moment wondering what he had in mind . She wanted to ask but knew that was not a good idea . She meant what she had said , she trusted him . They had spent weeks talking and going over boundaries and rules . He had made sure she knew the extremes of what could be done with her and to her . They had agreed on a set of boundaries and he had never crossed those lines , so far . Good girl . Now , go put on the black dress I like and all the accessories . Meet me at the corner of Pawnee and Meridian . Park your car in the flea market parking lot and stand on the corner and wait to be picked up . Rachel jumped as she read the words on the screen . She couldn 't imagine not being with him anymore . She had a desperate need to fix this . No wait ! Please , sir . I 'm sorry , truly , deeply sorry . I will bring the bag if you want but , could I make this up to you another way ? Please , sir ! I 'll do anything ! Rachel copied the text from their chat and pasted into a word document and saved it to her hard drive . She did that with all her chats . She had such a bad memory she often went back over chats to refresh her memory later . Rachel logged off and hurried to her bedroom to get changed . She had a feeling that he was close by watching her , wanting someone to stop and make her an offer for the night . The dress he had her put on was a long black Asian style dress . The material was soft and silky and looked embroidered . She nervously ran her hands down her sides smoothing out the material . She was not a small woman by any measure , never had been , she had curves and the dress showed them off . Rachel quickly grabbed the skirt and pushed it back down covering herself . She was feeling very self - conscious and getting a little cold . A car of teenage boys passed by and a couple of boys hung out of the windows yelling obscene come - ons to her . Rachel blew them a kiss and followed it by flipping them off . The boys responded by laughing and making a few more comments as they drove off . While Rachel was watching them drive away , headlights came on behind her . She turned to face the car but couldn 't see with the lights in her eyes . A man got out of the passenger side of the car and came toward her . Instinctively , Rachel took a few steps back as she tried to get a look at the man approaching her . When he was about 4 feet from her he stepped in front of the headlights and she could see his face . She didn 't know him . Rachel was starting to get scared and began backing up again . " Stop . " The man 's voice was deep and rumbling as he spoke but it was not harsh . " I 'm supposed to ask you for the bag . " Rachel stopped backing up , she realized that he must know her Master . She wondered if this was part of her punishment . She looked over at the driver 's side of the car trying to see if her Master was there but the lights were too bright to see into the car . The man quickly stepped forward and took a hold of her arm pulling her close to him , blocking her view of the car . " You really don 't want him to upset him anymore than he already is . " He lifted her chin so that she was looking him in the eyes . He spoke to her , softly this time , " Do you ? " Rachel thought she saw concern in his eyes and she wondered what she had gotten herself into . Without saying a word , she handed him the bag . He took it without looking away from her eyes . He stood there holding her close for just a moment then let her go . If there had been concern for her in his eyes it was gone now . He seemed emotionless as he opened the bag and pulled out a wide collar . He gripped her shoulder hard and turned her around making her stumble on her high heels . Without a word he fastened the collar tightly around her neck . She could hear him pulling something else out of the bag and heard the clasp click as he fastened the restraining bar to the back of the collar . The bar hooked to the collar and ran down the center of her back to just above her waist . At the end of the bar were two leather cuffs to secure her wrists , making her virtually helpless . As the man fastened her wrists securely behind her , Rachel looked across the street . There was a convenience store with gas pumps straight across from where they stood . With the headlights behind them she knew everyone across the street , as well as anyone driving past , had a poor view of what was going on . From the front , they looked like silhouettes of two people standing close together but her mind kept telling her they could all see what was really going on . The voice in her head kept telling her they were all going to watch as he used her . The idea excited her more than she would have imagined . Her breath quickened as she felt herself get wet . The man left her facing the street as he leaned in close to her . Reaching around to hook a leash onto the loop in the front of the collar , he pressed his face next to her . She could feel the stubble where he hadn 't shaved for a few days and felt his lips brush her ear as he breathed in her scent . The man slid his hand down the front of her body and slid his hand through the slit in the dress , reaching between her legs . He gripped her mound and pulled her back against him , hard . Rachel could feel his erection pressing against her hands . He started moving his hips against her , pulling her back tighter against his body . The man pressed his lips to her ear and whispered , " Don 't move . " His other hand came up to squeeze her breast . His fingers slide inside the teardrop opening on the front of her dress that was meant to give a glimpse of cleavage . Suddenly , the man shoved his hand in the opening , Rachel could hear the material ripping as he ran his hand over the lace of her bra . Squeezing her breast roughly and pinching the nipple . Rachel could tell that he was having a hard time containing himself but she knew he could only do what her Master , possibly his Master too , would let him . The man roughly teased her left breast as he moved his hand between her legs . He worked her mound , stroking the lace that covered her . She could feel him trying to stroke her clit through the rough lace material of her panties . Rachel moaned as the man teased her body . Rachel had quit worrying about their spectators and began to enjoy the sensations . The louder she moaned the rougher he got . The man grabbed her panties and tore them . He pushed his hand through the hole , shoved three fingers deep inside her , nearly lifting her off the ground as he pulled her back against his hips . He grunted as he ground his erection into her restrained hands . He began trusting faster and she knew he was close to cumming . Just then , something moved across the headlights , drawing their attention . The driver had gotten out of the car without them hearing and was walking toward them . Rachel and the man stood motionless as they watched the driver step up beside them , it was her Master . He looked at the man , who still had his fingers buried deep inside Rachel . With a tilt of his head , he motioned toward the car . The man grunted his protest and gave Rachel one last hard thrust with his fingers . Rachel gasped as he suddenly withdrew his hands and stepped away . She had to struggle to keep from falling . Rachel looked down as best she could with the high collar on . She was not able to see much , but from cool breeze that was blowing steadily , she knew the front of her dress was torn in several places . The top of her dress was ripped open . At some point the man had pushed her bra cups down exposing her chest . The dress which had been slit to her thigh was now torn , exposing her side up to her stomach . She was certain you could see a glimpse of her torn panties . Her Master stepped to the side so that Rachel could see across the street . " Now look over there . " He pointed to a few men who had stopped pumping gas to watch the show that she and the man had been putting on . She knew they had only seen silhouettes but she still felt immediately embarrassed and ashamed , mostly because she hadn 't wanted it to stop . At the moment , she desperately wanted to get out of the light and cover herself but he had a firm grip on her leash and with her hands bound behind her she could not get away . Her Master stepped behind her and spoke into her ear , " look at those men . They know what a slut you are . They saw how much you were enjoying being used . They 've seen how you crave to be used for sex . Those men over there , watching you , will dream of fucking you tonight . They will go home and grip their hard dicks and think of you , here , tonight . Imagining it was them shoving their fingers deep in your pussy making you moan like the whore you are . " Rachel could feel his breath on her neck as he spoke to her . She wanted him to touch her . She had been close to climax when he interrupted them and she wanted him to finish her off . She started to lean back against him but he moved to stay just out of her reach . " Do you even realize how much power that gives you over men ? I bet any one of them would beg to fuck you . Maybe I should call one of them over . Would you like that ? " Rachel dropped her eyes and spoke in a quiet voice , " Since he knew about the bag I knew he was connected with you somehow , and I trust you to make sure that he would follow the rules . " Rachel rubbed her temple against her Masters cheek . " And I trust you to keep me safe , always . " Though it was barely audible , she added , " even from myself . " " That 's a good girl . " He punctuated his remark by slapping Rachel hard on the ass . He then turned her around to face him . He reached out and pulled her bra back into place covering her chest . He reached down and picked up the bag Rachel had brought . Without saying another word he led Rachel to the car by the leash . He opened the back door and tossed the bag on the seat . He put his hand on the top of her head , the way you see them do on cop shows , to keep her from hitting her head as she got in the car . The man , whose name she still did not know , was sulking in the front seat . He had unfastened his pants and was slowly stroking his huge erection . You could tell he wasn 't trying to get off but merely keeping himself hard . Without hesitation the man climbed over the seat and pushed Rachel face down on the car seat . He closed her bound hands around his dick and began trusting himself against her , humping her hard as he grabbed her hair , pulling her head back to an almost painful angle . It didn 't take long for him to cum , releasing his load into her hand . Rachel moaned as began to tease her clit . She wanted him to make her cum . She was just about to beg him for relief when her Master spoke . As her Master started the car , the man got up off of her and climbed back into the front seat . Lying there Rachel wanted to protest but she knew it would do her no good to beg , at least not yet . She would have the rest of the night for that . She lay there on the seat feeling the man 's cum running through her fingers and wondered what else was going to happen tonight . |
• April 12 , 2013 • Leave a Comment Dave 's fingers started to sweat . Did she see him ? Did that evil little girl see him ? His position was very uncomfortable at the moment . He was hanging from a steep cliff at Chichibonga Preserve Park . Miles below were the sharp , pointy rocks that were his doom . After Samantha Ganchee had pushed him , David had only just managed to grab hold of a narrow ledge . Unfortunately , he was too heavy to pull himself up , so he could only hang there . He was also too afraid to look down . Dave Polonchisatto 's fingers started to slip . One by one they unfurled from the ledge . Inch by inch he felt himself lower , until - He fell . But - much to his own surprise - Dave 's feet hit ground , and he lived . He had only fallen two feet only , luckily , yet another ledge . This ledge was the opening of a cave . It was dark . Water dripped form stalactites . The air was foul and dense . Tired and bruised , Dave crawled along the pitch - black passage not knowing where it would lead him . That 's when , all of a sudden , something came at Dave from the darkness . He first heard the growl then felt a large , hot body attacking him . He also felt the very flesh ripped off of him and his left hand bitten off . For some reason , though , the beast suddenly took off . It had sounded as if it had been hit by something . Dave heard a thump and the sound of splintering bone followed by a long whine . Then Dave felt himself being lifted off the ground . Dave 's eyes fluttered open . He was lying on something very soft : animal fur . " W - where am I ? " he asked himself . An answer made him jump . Dave finally managed to take in what he was looking at . In front of him was the hairiest beast he had ever seen . Apparently she was a woman . She had nothing on but wolf - skin and , of course , her own hair . " Some call me Yak Lady . You eat soup now . " Holga held out the bowl of soup to him . He could see small animal parts floating in it . " Well , he 's gone now right ? So everything should be cool . Just try and forget about it , well , if you can , " Marley suggested . " This cave really a tunnel , you know ? It lead all way to central park in big city . I used to go there , but people scream and run ' way ; now I just stay here . You find your way home by following it , " explained the Yak Lady , Holga , to Polonchisatto . Cradling the stump of the limb in his arms , he slowly made his way through the underground tunnel . He had ate enough meat and blood to feel strong again , but always was there a pain where he had no more hand . He missed it terribly , but he had an idea of what could replace it . Holga had been right . The passage finally sloped upwards where it led to a hollowed - out tree . Dave swung open the door leading out of the trunk and stepped into the central park of his town . He knew what he had to do : find a hook - dealer . They were very popular in the alley behind his home . Soon he was in that very alley approaching someone with a long black coat . " I 'm … er … ' on the market , ' if you will , " Dave said to the unshaven man . The man flung open his coat and on the inside was practically every type of hook imaginable . Polonchisatto studied each one closely before deciding on a particularly sharp , curved one . " This will be perfect , " he said , slipping the man some cash . " Been nice workin ' with ya , boss , " said the guy before continuing his pacing in the alley . Then the man stopped and turned around . He casually threw a business card at Dave and kept walking . Dave stooped to pick up the card . It had the number of an unlicensed surgeon on it , which he went home and called immediately . Before long , not only was he restored to perfect health , but he also had a hook attached in place of his left hand . Dave laughed to himself as he crawled into bed that night . His students , or at least a few of them , would have a great surprise tomorrow when he came striding through the doors of the classroom . " Uh , y - no not at all . " Replied Sam . " You just have to be really tough and you can handle almost anyth - aaaaahhhh ! " Sam clasped a hand over her mouth , for who but Mr . Polonchisatto had just walked through the door . " Good morning , class . Will you please take out your novel study books ? Rich Yen , do you still have jet lag or what ? Will you please wake up and stay with the class . In fact , you know what ? You have detention today , Rich . I have a surprise for you . " He pulled his hooked hand from within his coat , plunged it into Rich 's mouth , and ripped out his tongue ! Rich lay on the ground after that , bleeding to death . The red blood ran into the red carpet and was undetectable . The smell was the same as ever in Mr . Polonchisatto 's office . " Marley , have you seen Rich Yen lately ? " asked Coral Reef . " He didn 't show up for our date last night ! " She was practically in tears . Coral cried even louder . " Oh , I didn 't mean . It 'll be okay , " Marley tried to comfort as she walked down the hall towards the girls ' room with Coral . " You know , I 'm pretty sure Harley Mavis was interested in you . " This only made Coral cry louder . Soon , English class arrived once again . " Kay , you 're looking swell today , " Mr . Polonchisatto said to Kay Swelltuck . " But unfortunately , you failed the last test the class took . On the other hand , you could stay after class to retake it as an open = book one , " offered Dave . " I know . We met in an unprecedented way . Her name is Holga , and she was the one who nursed me back to health after the ' little terror ' tried to kill me , " Dave explained . " What 's to say I don 't ? I still ' visit ' you during class time , don 't I ? Exactly . We don 't have to stop . I just thought I 'd let you know about Holga . " " Sweet , I 'll take it now . " Dave drank the potion the Yak Lady gave to him and felt a surge of power go through him . He would be able to kill plenty of children the next day . The next day came , and indeed , it was a good day for Dave Polonchisatto . He was able to fill three cereal boxes with Marina Mershteyn , Harley Mavis , and Olive Quake . He was on a roll , but would it soon stop ? Some thought not . " But it 's just so good , Dave , " she replied . " I have something special for you today . It 's for being so honest with me . " Miss Parkiss held a glass of poison to his lips , and Mr . Polonchisatto drank it without two thoughts . He collapsed on the floor immediately . It was easy for Miss Parkiss to shove the body into a cupboard since they were in his office anyway . " That 'll show you , you yak - loving * @$%@ & # ! " she yelled at the cupboard before running off to finish teaching her class at seven past two . • April 1 , 2013 • Leave a Comment It was a hot summery day . Josh was outside playing Frisbee with his dog in the park . He did this every Saturday . Sometimes his friends would join him - but sometimes he was forced to bring his little sister . These were the most awful of times . No one likes going out in public with his younger siblings . All Josh 's little sister , Janice , liked to do was play with her dollies - or , even worse , dress up his dog , Max . One day , Josh came home from the park yelling at his sister . " How could you embarrass me like that ? " he screamed . Tears were pouring from Janice 's eyes . " Janice brought all her stupid dolls and stuffed toys to the park in a wagon and was having a tea party . All of a sudden she calls over to me , as loud as she can , ' You forgot Mister Snuggles at home , Josh ! Don 't you want him to play with you ? ' Mom , " Josh whined , " all my friends were there , and it was really embarrassing ! Errr ! I could kill that little brat ! " " Josh ! Go to your room ! Do not ever say that about your sister ! You 're going to regret it one day . " His mother was very angry with him now . He disagreed with his mom : if he didn 't have Janice as a little sister , he wouldn 't miss her at all . He probably wouldn 't miss he is parents either . How dare they ground him when his sister was the one at fault . Two greenish hands pulled at the side of the pipes . Two furry hands were placed on the toilet seat . A brown body was pulled up through the hole in the base of the bowl . The beast coughed at the clean air . It was pleased when its own stench started to fill the room . It sniffed the air . It caught the scent of the perfect brain : sneaky and manipulative . The creature slid across the floor leaving a mucus - y trail . It tread across the hall . Once in the desired bedroom , it crawled over to the bed . It peered over the side and muffled a scream with a slimy hand . It dragged its victim back the way it had come . Proud of its fine work , the mole - person returned to its home . Josh woke up with the same attitude he had felt the night before . He stomped downstairs where he was surprised not to see his sister . She was usually always up before him , bouncing around and being noisy . Josh walked back upstairs to check Janice 's room . There was no one there , only a slimy trail that led to the bathroom . " Eww , " he said to himself . Then he started to worry . Where could his sister have gone ? " She wasn 't downstairs , and she wasn 't in her room . When I looked in there , there was a path of slime that led to the toilet . It was really weird . . and it smelt bad , " Josh explained . His parents got out of bed . Thinking he was just playing , they followed him . When they saw the slime they could tell it was unearthly , and Josh had not made it up . His parents looked all around the house , grasping for any sign of their beloved daughter . Tojoe was watching this in his magic sewer ball . He watched as Janice 's parents went to the police . The police had rejected them . An officer said to come back after Janice had been missing for a full thirty - six hours . Tojoe laughed . The police couldn 't do anything about the precious daughter now . But even so , he would be better off kidnapping the whole family than having them spread news of the weird disappearance and arousing suspicions . Janice 's head had been cut open and her brain removed . Before it was entered into the monster 's head , it first had to pass some tests . Suddenly , Tojoe had an even better idea . Four brains were better than one . He would combine the whole family 's knowledge and insert it into his creation . The parents ' brains were quickly combine with their daughter 's . Tojoe found the boy wandering around his empty house through his magic sewer ball . He laughed evilly . He , himself , would personally get the boy tonight . Josh sat waiting in the bathroom . He would not fall asleep . The anger for his lost family kept him wide - awake . He sat tapping his heavy baseball bat in his hand . At around one in the morning , he heard a rustling in the pipes . He let his hand drift to his side where the reassuring kitchen knives sat . he took a big gulp and stood up . He hid himself in the shower , but as the mole - person climbed out jumped out and swung as hard as he could . The mole - person flew to the other side of the room . Josh repeatedly threw the knives at him , until they had pierced each of Tojoe 's limbs . The creature twitched and turned . Josh came up and stabbed him where his heart should have been . The creature stoped moving . • March 18 , 2013 • Leave a Comment " Oh my gosh ! Jackie Johnson is walking down the Loser Hallway ! Do you think she 's recruiting ? " Jackie Johnson was the most popular girl in school . She had two best friends , Britney and Katarina . Also , Jackie had the hottest jock in school as her boyfriend , ( also the most stupid ) . That night , the six teens all met at Jackie 's house . Jackie was dressed all in black with a top that had sparkly orange bats on one shoulder and on her pant cuffs . She snuggled up to Josh . " You 're going to protect me tonight , aren 't you ? " She batted her eyelashes . " Guys , this will be so cool ! " Jackie exclaimed . " If ound this place that was all , like , Halloween - y . unfortunately , there will be children , but that 's okay since we 're going to go in , like , the Corn Maze . I heard not many people go in there . It 's , like , a more expensive attraction , and since I have so much money , I 've ordered a ticket for each of us to go through it . It 's like two acres or something and supposedly it 's easy to get lost in there , " she giggled . " But I 'm sure we will be able to do it no problem . " They stepped out of the limo . Jackie picked up the six tickets then made her way back to the group . They looked around in awe of all the decorations . The place was elaborately donned in spooky fashion . There were lineups for everything : the haunted house , the hayride , the petting zoo , the candy store , the hot apple cider booth , and much more . The place was filled with carved pumpkins , scarecrows , and witches . All the employees were dressed up , and some of them pretended to be statues and jumped out at passersby . Everyone was filled with the joy of Halloween . Every child was smiling happily and trying to squirm away from their mothers cleaning their faces with napkins spit - dampened thumbs . " Like , whatever ! I don 't really care what you 're going to tell me ! " Jackie said rudely and waited for the others who walked by the old man and snickered . The maze was huge . They walked around together for a while . There were so many turns , twists , and dead ends . It seemed like they had gone through half the maze already - though they hadn 't . after about fifteen minutes Jackie had another one of her " brilliant " ideas . Jackie walked hand in hand with Josh . They took a right , then a left , then a left , then a right . They walked uphill then downhill in between the corn stalks . " Let 's take a break , Baby , " Josh suggested . They continued , running this time . Jackie got a little ahead and hid in a bend . As Josh came nearer looking for her she jumped out at him . " Aaaahhhhhh ! O - Oh . . hehehe … it 's just you , " said Josh shakily ; he was beginning to let the setting finally freak him out . they had been walking for almost forty - five minutes . " Do you think there even is an exit , Brit ? Do you think , maybe , they 're just trying to play with our minds ? " Bill squinted as one of the lights from a tower shone in his eye . There were about six towers scattered around . Each had a watchperson on them , making sure no one was horsing around . " It 's okay , Babe , " said Ryan , " you can get them cleaned , like pro , later . Right now we should just concentrate on getting out of this freaky place . It 's getting kind of creepy ! " " Don 't ' worry , I 'll protect the both of us from whatever lurks in the dark . " Of course , Ryan was just joking , because there could be nothing hiding in a simple maze for children . Right ? A bat flew overhead . Katarina screamed as it flew close to her head - a loud , piercing scream that echoed through the forest of corn . " I heard bats can get stuck in your hair , " she laughed nervously , and Ryan hugged her . " I told you not to call me that ! " Jackie glared . " But that noise … it sounded like a girl screaming ! What if there 's something more going on here than just corn ? " " It 's just a bat , it 's just a bat , it 's just a bat … " Katarina muttered to herself . " There is nothing wrong with bats … they 're normal animals … they 're just like all the other birds … " " I told you not to worry , Hun ; we 'll be out of here in no time . Especially with my super good direction skills , man . You know I spent like one year in scouts , eh ? " Ryan bragged . Bill stood up as fast as he could . He turned on his heels and ran , leaving his jacket behind . Which way to go ? he wondered . there were so many twists and turns : some paths appeared to go someplace , others just in circles . He tripped , fell , and rolled down the hill a little , got up and ran again . He needed to find his friends and wouldn 't stop until he did . " Enough of a break . Let 's go , Josh ! " Jackie pleaded as he pulled he arm . " Let go of me ! I need to get out of this maze NOW ! " " No ! I mean … look … just come with , okay ? I need to get out , and I need you ! So can we just go ? " " O - okay . I 'm ready now , " said Josh . They started to run together . Hand - in - hand they ran not wanting to slow for anything . " Uhh … " Ryan started to correct her , but then decided against it . " I think we should maybe start running . This place is really freaking me out . Like , A LOT ! " He turned a bend . Katarina followed after him . Al of a sudden something , maybe a grotesque hand , reached out and grabbed Ryan 's leg . He screamed . Katarina screamed and skidded to a halt . Ryan had been pulled to the ground and within a second had disappeared into the corn . Bill heard the screams . He sped up his pace . He tried to go away from the sound , but it came form everywhere at once . He started not caring about direction after awhile . All that mattered was to keep running . He had to keep running , keep running , keep running … " M - more s - screams ! Do you think Katarina and Britney are alright ? " Jackie asked nervously . For once she actually felt real feeling towards the girls . She cared . Katarina was running faster than she had ever run in her life . She was panting heavily and having trouble breathing before long , but that didn 't slow her speed . It fact , it made her run with more force , when all of a sudden - Bill was running as if he had the football and need the touchdown in the next few seconds to win the game . This made it all the more frightening and painful when he ran headlong into something dark . It was also running with long strides ; it look like it had some sort of wings . He screamed , and heard another scream as he smashed into it - " It 's okay . Well , it 's not … but we 'll be okay . I 'll help you get out of here . Come on , it 's not safe to stop . " Jackie and Josh were still running when Josh tripped over an unseen root and fell over . Jackie ran a few paces before stopping . " Josh ! " she turned around and said . The beast stopped the scratching , covered what could have been ears , and dashed back into the stalks . Jackie stood paralysed with fear staring at Josh 's body . It didn 't move . Then : a twitch ! Then : nothing … a bloody mound to decay upon the ground . Right now , it didn 't matter how much money Jackie had . It dint ' matter how great she looked or how fabulous her clothes were . Right now , being the most popular girl at school didn 't matter . Even being the most popular person in the world couldn 't save her now . " Bill ! O - o - o - oh Bill ! " Katarina snivelled . She was running tearfully as she clutched his arm . " W - w - w - what 's gonna happen to us ? What ? " she yelled at him and stopped running . He slowed too . " No ! No it won 't be okay ! Don 't you get it ? We 're going to DIE ! Why can 't you see that ? " Katarina 's eyes changed a little . Something funny was happening . Her voice steadied . " Why can 't you see that ? Why can 't you see you 're going to die , Bill ? " She walked toward him , arms outstretched . She now spoke calmly . " You 're going to have to die , Bill . Everyone does . Now do you see ? Do you ? Everyone dies , Bill . " Bill quickly picked a corncob up from the ground . He could see that Katarina was not herself . He could see the murderous glare in her eyes . He knew he had to get away . He chucked the corncob as hard as he could at Katarina 's head . She stumbled and fell . Bill didn 't wait for her to get up but just turned and ran . Jackie ran . She glanced up at menacing watchtower . They weren 't there to help anyone . They were there to mock . They were mocking her failure and how she couldn 't get out . that 's when she came to a more open part . There was more light here . Maybe there was still hope … Bill didn 't expect to ever make it out . he knew he was doomed and that was probably why Katarina 's words , still going around in his mind , started to make sense . " Everyone has to die . " Yes ! How true it was . Why not him ? Why not now ? He was in one of the darkest places . He lay down on the ground . All of a sudden he let out a cry ! He felt an immeasurable amount of pain in his back . Someone , or something had stabbed him in the back : with a knife . It was twisted , then run up and down until there were several marking that almost looked like a map . In fact , the corn maze itself had been carved right onto Bill 's back before he had died . Blood now ran over it . Jackie saw it ! She saw the opening . She was there ! She was going to make it ! That 's when the beast dropped into the open space that was the gateway out . " Oh no , " she cried - but not in fear - with savageness . She was not giving up when she had come so far . This beast would not take her without a fight . She ran right up to the hairy thing and kicked it as hard as she could ( in her high heeled pumps ) . It yelped and flew a few feet . Then Jackie 's mind clouded over . It was filled with the images of her friends ' bloody , dead bodies . The lifeless forms . She almost started to cry , but not before she let out the same piercing scream she had before . The beast was once again overpowered by the noise and was forced to step away . When Jackie saw this method working , she kept shrieking . The beast fled from the light back to the unknown . Jackie stepped out of the maze and once again heard the noise of people and saw light and overjoyed faces . Jackie Johnson was never the same again . Yes she returned to school . Yes she died of natural causes many years later . But always - always she lived in fear . She was no longer popular . People were afraid of her . She did weird things and kept to herself . There was no more normality about her . On the plus side , she wasn 't mean . On the downside ( for her anyway ) : she never spoke a word ever again . No one knew what happened to her friends . Some say Jackie killed them . Others said they just left Jackie and that shocked her into voiceless - ness . But Jackie never spoke the truth , and no one ever knew what happened in • March 4 , 2013 • Leave a Comment Once there was a girl named Emily . She had two best friends . One was her next - door neighbour Tessa , and the other was Jo - Anne , the girl who lived in her pocket . When everyone saw Emily talking to her pocket , they all thought she was crazy . But Tessa didn 't go to her school , and Emily didn 't talk to Jo - Anne around Tessa , so she never knew . Sure , she heard the rumours , but she didn 't believe them . Joanne lived off crumbs from Emily 's food and drops of water . There were other things in Emily 's pocket too . One of those items was a tiny , match - box - sized blanket . Another thing was a box of candy , and the last thing was hand sanitizer . The teacher didn 't really care and didn 't ' pursue the matter any longer , but the girl hated Emily even more . Meanwhile , Jo - Anne heard everything that was going on and got very angry . She didn 't like that no one knew she existed . Jo - Anne 's pockets also contained three items : a tiny water bottle , a tiny bottle of hand sanitizer , and a bottle of poison . Emily didn 't even know about any of these items . This particular afternoon , Emily decided to put some poison on Emily 's candy . Now , Emily loved her candy and ate it right away . Of course , she got poisoned , but not enough to die . She was sick until she had thrown up all she could , including a kidney . Emily always kept her candy in her other pocket from then on . Since she had lived , Jo - Anne was disappointed . Next she dumped the rest of the poison in the hand sanitizer . • February 21 , 2013 • Leave a Comment The monkey paw possessed a great deal of power . None the likes of anything any regular magic object could hold . And the worst part of the power : it was EVIL . Once a weak person came near it , there was no way for him to resist it , and he had to have it . And so the monkey claw was hidden away in a reputable Indian family . It was passed down from generation to generation until it came to rest in the hands of an Indian merchant with a strong will . Until one day … " Hurry up , Tim ! " shouted Tim 's friend , Phil , as they hurried to the market . " My mom gave me a list of all the stuff she wants us to buy for her . Plus , I heard there was a ton of other cool stuff here . " Phil hardly ever came to the market , and it was much more of an exciting experience for him than for Tim , who came every week . But there was something different about the market this weekend that would change his life forever . Tim heaved a sigh and trudged after his friend impatiently . Why did he have to come along on this shopping expedition ? " Have you found everything you need yet ? " he asked . They walked toward the celery stand , but as they did , Tim noticed the difference . An extra kiosk had been added at the end of the aisle . It was odd and exotic , but Tim was drawn to it . " Hurry up , Phil . I wanna check out the stuff over here . " Tim walked over to the stand , Phil at his heels . " Cool , " said Phil . He picked up some of the interesting items . There were painted rocks , weird masks , and odd signs painted on canvas . Then a man walked out from a curtained tent . Tim started snooping around immediately upon entering . He was very soon attracted to a small , long box on a shelf . It was as if whatever was inside the box was calling to him . " What 's in there ? " he asked . " I 've heard of these , " Tim said to Phil . " They 're so corny ! They 're supposed to grant you three wishes or something . I just have to have one , " he laughed sarcastically . Tim walked away laughing , holding his new possession closely . The monkey 's paw was sort of shrivelled and gross looking , but the boys didn 't mind . It was their new toy . Tim started to think of what he would wish for , easily forgetting the old man 's words . " I wish I could fly , " he laughed . " What do you wish for Phil ? " " I wish for a sports car , " Phil joined in the laughter . But they wouldn 't be laughing for long . Phil and Tim departed at the corner , and they both went home , Tim putting his treasure under his bed while he slept . That night , a monkey with a missing arm visited his dreams . The armless monkey was dripping blood from the open wound on his right shoulder . He said to Tim , " I will grant you all the riches you want if only you agree to suffer through three trails . A little suffering will gain you a lot . The instructions for doing this are simple . You will wake up at five in the morning . Upon your wakening , walk to the canal in your pyjamas with a piece of paper saying yes or no . spin around three times and drop the paper into the canal . Return home and drink a glass of milk , and do not throw up . Then your riches will soon be granted . The monkey disappeared leaving a puddle of blood on the ground where he was standing . Tim woke up sweating bullets . " That was weird , " he thought to himself . He stepped out of bed into something wet . He looked down horrified . In his room was a pool of blood . He quickly cleaned it up , then looked at the clock : 5 : 07 a . m . He laughed to himself , then wrote yes on a piece of paper and ran to the canal . Tim spun around three times and dropped the paper into the canal and went home . He didn 't ' want to drink a glass of milk , because he was lactose intolerant and was worried of the consequents . He drank the milk reproachfully and immediately felt like hurling . He swallowed it back , disgusted , and went back to lie down . It was already 6 : 15 a . m . A little later , his mom rushed into his room crying . She started sobbing even more violently as she tried to explain to him what had happened , then she just passed out - so he thought . Her heart had stopped beating , just as his dad 's had , and his brother 's and his sister 's . he walked around the quiet house . It was awful to see them ; it looked as if their hearts had just exploded inside of them . There was red " stuff " running from their ears . When he went to school and explained to the teacher why he was late and how he needed help , he got sent to the principal 's office . Tim knocked on the door and crept in when there was no answer . The principal sprang out from behind the desk and tried to kill Tim . The principal pulled a knife from the desk drawer and pounced at Tim . Luckily , only the corner of Tim 's ear was nicked as he jumped through the open window leaving a trail of red behind him . He ran for his life . Soon after , Tim discovered that all of his friends had been killed after the principal couldn 't find him . " That 's two … how bad can three be ? " Tim thought to himself . Oh , but the third misfortune was the worst yet . Tim 's whole appearance changed . He became old , repulsive , hideous . He grew a hump , long nails , crooked teeth . There were crumbs in the greyish , twisted beard that had appeared . People ran in all directions when they saw Tim . People threw sharp objects at him . they hated him . worst of all , when Phil saw Tim , he jumped into the canal and drowned . Sure , Tim had his money , mansion , and almost anything he wanted - but nobody liked him ; people tried to kill him . This lasted until one night , he had another dream . In that dream he killed himself . He work up breathing heavily , but when he looked around he was back in his own bed . Everything had been a dream . Sure , now he was late for school , but it had been a dream . There was no one happier than him - until he looked down at his right arm , which wasn 't there . There was a large amount of blood spilling from the abscess onto the ground . With his left hand , Tim grabbed the monkey arm and ran . He didn 't stop running until he reached the canal . He attempted to throw the arm in , but he , instead , fell in himself . He couldn 't swim , never mind with just one arm . In half an hour , all that remained was a body floating face down in the canal , following the stream wherever it led to . • February 7 , 2013 • Leave a Comment Now that Rupert had gotten a taste of killing , and revenge , he liked it . His messed up face turned even more distorted as he smiled evilly . He knew exactly what he would do . He was going to kill off everyone that was ever mean to him . One person was Sarah , a popular girl . He put poison in her milk . Next was Judy . He locked her in a closet until she starved . Then he backstabbed Louis - literally . Of course no one knew who had been killing all the people off , for he was invisible ! The school was filled with blood and horrid stench . The four students left and never returned as did the teacher . As Rupert wondered the old halls began to " un - fade . " He became visible again , but this wasn 't good news . Soon the school began to fill with the ghosts - ghosts of the students he had slaughtered . Rupert started to get scared . He had never seen ghosts before . And the worst part was that he had killed them . Now they knew , and now they could see him . He ran down the halls but they quickly caught him . They pushed his head under the pool of blood that flooded the school . The ghosts held him under until blood came out of his ears . Rupert drowned there . • January 31 , 2013 • 1 Comment Rupert had been invisible for a month now , but he was bored of taking people 's things and scaring kids . He needed something that would make him feel better . He needed revenge . So one night , he snuck into the house of a jock called Bill . He was one of the people who had made fun of Rupert . Rupert cut off Bill 's left arm and sewed the skin together so he wouldn 't bleed to death . This isn 't what Rupert wanted so the next night , he came back and slit Bill 's jugular . Bill died . Rupert got his first taste of killing - and liked it . • January 24 , 2013 • Leave a Comment Once there was a boy named Rupert . I 'm sure he would have lots of friends , if he didn 't have a lump on his nose . And I 'm sure he would be pretty good looking - it his eyes weren 't so far apart . And I 'm also sure that he would probably be good at kissing - if his mouth was in the middle of his face and not way up the side , as it was . What a mistake . Poor Rupert . You see , he had a little bit of a … er … ' deformity . ' But he had got along pretty well without any friends . The only thing he loved was a three legged blind dog . And I 'm sorry to say , that if the dog wasn 't blind , he probably would have a chosen a different friend for himself than Rupert . Rupert and his buddy went almost everywhere together . But one day , Rupert wasn 't with the dog ; he was stuck sick inside while the dog roamed free outdoors . So the dog was by himself and wandered onto the road , being blind as he was . Unfortunately , Rupert 's buddy didn 't last long and died . ( SPLAT . ) Rupert was finally alone in the world and now had absolutely no one ! He felt worthless . And the more worthless he felt , he wanted to fade . So he did . He faded and faded and faded until he was invisible . No one missed him , no one cared . He had disappeared forever . • January 21 , 2013 • Leave a Comment EN 291 at WLU , or Literary Theory as it 's most commonly known , was one of my least favourite courses in four and half years of higher education . Partly it was the three hour lecture , part of it was the 1300 paged text book , and another part was the professor . But I have to say one of the creepiest things that I ever endured in that course was this short film . I present to you The Sandman , 1992 . You can 't un - see this . • January 14 , 2013 • Leave a Comment Dave was unhappy with his job . Every day he would come to school to teach . Every day his students would raise their hands and ask the same stupid questions . They never retained the information they were taught , or did they just didn 't pay attention . " Mr . Polonchisatto ! Mr . Polonchisatto ! I have a question ! A question ! " said one of the most annoying children in the class : Lola Fancy - pants . " It 's Fancy - pants , and : when do you use ' two ' , ' to ' and ' too ' ? I just don 't understand ! I 've tried so hard , but it 's just not sinking in ! " The class groaned . Another perk of the job : listen to the children moan when they had to write anything down . It was their own faults that they had to . If they would just understand the first time around ! After far too long , the day ended and Dave Polonchisatto went home with his job following close behind . He had to mark some horrendous tests that practically everyone would fail . He walked in the door of his home , throwing his keys on the table . He slumped onto the couch and flicked on the television to watch the news . " Hey , Boo ! " Dave called to his cat as it leapt onto a nearby armchair . The cat began to then knead the chair with its sharp claws . " That 's it , you bad kitty ! " Dave yelled before throwing the clicker at the cat . The cat screeched loudly and fell onto the floor . Unfortunately , it did not land on its feet . After eating his TV - dinner , Polonchisatto began working on marking the tests . Zero percent , zero percent , one percent , ( oh yay ! ) fifteen percent , ( oh no … ) negative one percent … and so on . No one could seem to get a passing grade . They sat at his dining room table as she pulled out a notebook filled with useless questions . " Well , first of all , I missed the part when you were explain about when to use pair , pare , and pear … " Lola started with the basics , but soon they were at even more complex situations . " Now , when should I use questions marks ? Okay … what about exclamation points ? Okay … " After spending half an hour with the dumb girl , Dave needed a drink . " I need to go down to the cellar for some … um … cereal . Yah … that 's it . I 'll be right back . " Dave walked down the steep , dark stairs to the basement . The cool , dank air refreshed his spirits as he descended into teh cellar . He went and poured himself a glass of rich , strong liquor . Luckily he could hold it well . Then he leaned against the cool wall before returning up to the annoying pupil . It was then he remembered he told her he was coming down for some cereal . He went to where he kept it , incidentally , beside where he kept the axes and hatchets . What if ? No … that wouldn 't be right . . but … maybe ? They looked so tempting . The light from a window was shining on them as though the heavens were pointing them out . Carrying the cereal in one hand and the axe in the other , he walked slowly back up the stairs . He opened the door to the kitchen , and as quietly as possible came up behind Lola . WHACK ! One strong swing of the axe was all it took to separate the head from the body . He did it before he could think that it was wrong . He did it before he thought of what he would do with the body . But when he did it , he knew it felt great . " Mwa ha , ha ! " Dave Polonchisatto laughed as the axe came down . Poor Lola didn 't even have the chance to scream . Dave put the body parts in the blender ( along with the dead cat ) and then added flour . He cut the dough into fun shapes and baked it in the oven . He emptied out the cereal box and put the newly formed " cereal " into it . Now he had a tasty treat to much on , and one less student to worry about . The next day , Dave came to school . The first thing he did in his class was hand back the tests . No one whined , though ; they knew to expect a bad mark . Then Samantha Ganchee raised her hand . " Where is Lola Fancy - pants today ? " " She just asked a question ! " Allyssy Ronkle came to her defense " Well no more questions ! " shouted Mr . Polonchisatto . " And you have detention , Miss Ronkle ! " After class , Allyssy followed Dave to his office . Along the way , she saw him eating cereal . The real label on the box was crossed off and new one taped over . " Kid - y - Os " it read . That 's weird , she thought . Allyssy hated Mr . Polonchisatto 's office . It always smelled of cats and blood . The lights were dim , and the air was stale . It was silent except for the sound of Dave going through the drawers of his desk . The next day was quieter than usual . Lola had still not returned and now Allyssy was missing too . Mr Polonchisatto needed a reason to have some kids in detention though . He looked around the classroom . Cory Crockett was sitting straight up in his chair . He was doing his work and not saying a word . But he just looked so delicious . Then Dave saw it : Cory was chewing gum ! Dave was sitting in his chair fiddling with some wire when Cory arrived . I want you to plug this in , " he said . Dave handed a rubber - less electrical cord to Cory . Cory shrugged and went to put the frayed wire into the socket as he was told . That 's when an electrical wave of power surged through the wire and fried him , turning him lifeless and cold . More cereal ! The serial killings went on with the disappearance of Justina Kinoto and Donny Cauldron . Mr . Polonchisatto was unstoppable , and all the more his bloodlust grew for the children in his class , stupidly waiting for their turn to go . In the news , all the disappearances were blamed on abductions and what not . No one suspected a brilliant English teacher of such a horrendous act : no one , but one . The class was going on a field trip for the day to an adventure park . There were cliffs and caves to explore , and more outdoor activities . Samantha Ganchee was with the friends she had that remained when Mr . Polonchisatto came up behind her . Her friends saw him and scattered , but it was too late for Sam . By the time she turned around he was right beside her . Sam let out a little shriek and then laughed . " Oh ! You surprised me , " she brushed it off . Next , her face and voice turned serious . " Don 't think I don 't know you 're behind the disappearances . You are , aren 't you ? You always walk around with Miss Parkiss . I know what you 're up to , and you 're not going to get away with it ! " " What are you going to do then ? Tell your mommy ? No one will believe you , little fool ! Besides , how are you going to get out of this situation ? No one can save you now , and don 't even think about screaming ! " It was true . Samantha appeared trapped . Then , out of the corner of her eyes , she spotted some pebbles by the cliff she was kneeling at . In a flash , she scooped up a handful and whipped them into Dave 's face . " Oh yah ? " she teased . She tried to kick him , but he grabbed her foot and twisted it so she fell to the ground . Then he pulled a sharpened stick form behind his back and began stabbing at her . Before the stick hit the ground each time , Sam had rolled out of its way and was on back on her feet . Sam tried to run , but the beast grabbed her wrist . She shrieked , " Get away from me ! " He didn 't let go . Sam threw all of her weight to the ground and grabbed a nearby branch . She whipped the face of her assaulter , and he loosened his grip enough for her to escape his clutches . She pushed the man off the side of the cliff before he could re - attack . She looked over the side and saw nothing . No body hanging from the edge , no body on the rocks . He won 't be bothering us again , she thought . And he wouldn 't be , would he ? And would anyone find out what he did ? Would they believe Sam ? |
Thomas wasted no time ; the next morning , he called and we set a day to meet . I counted down the days , and when the day arrived , my stomach was in knots . I tried on nearly every outfit I owned , changed my hair and makeup three times , and I may have gone through an entire pack of gum before my phone buzzed and he 'd arrived . I found myself rolling my eyes at my frazzled nerves ; I hadn 't felt this frazzled over a guy since elementary school . I took a deep breath to try and calm the butterflies and walked out to his car . It had to be one of the brightest and sunniest summer days of my life . As we drove to the theatre , I sat back and enjoyed the moment . The windows were down , the sun was radiant , and for the first time since our fort night , the moment just felt right . After the movie , we headed over to a nearby Italian restaraunt , but as we took a seat , I grew even more nervous . The draw to the movie theatre is it is a date location that doesn 't involve a lot of actual interaction . At a restaraunt , you don 't really have anything to take the focus away from you , making the vulnerability much harder to ignore . At first , I was a bit quiet , but before we knew it , we were talking and laughing away , not realizing it was time for the restaraunt to close . He paid the bill and we walked out to his car . Along the way , he asked , " well , now what ? " I sighed and thought for a moment . I certainly didn 't want the night to end , but I also didn 't want to come across as clingy ; which is no easy feat , I 'll have you know . I 'm notorious for my tendancy to cling . He brought up the idea of ice cream , suggesting we pull up to the airport runway viewing area to watch the planes come in and take off . I agreed and before we knew it , we were taking in the sights of the airport in his car . Talking back and forth , I started to learn how passionate he was about aviation and his work in the industry . It was nice to be around someone who still had dreams careerwise . Most men I had dated seemed nearly devoid of those aspirations ; this one was in a word , refreshing . " So , I have a question for you … " he lead . I knew what he was going to ask , and by the little grin on his face , I could tell he knew the answer already . He asked if we could go steady . Of course , I was already smitten . The car had gone quiet again as I remained in my seat blushing like a starstruck idiot . He nuzzled his head against my arm for a moment and motioned me over to cuddle up to his side . It didn 't take much convincing . I stopped and looked up at him and we leaned in and shared our first kiss . I immediately felt a rush of warmth flow through my veins and the kiss deepened . Before I knew it , the car 's windows had fogged up and it was getting quite late . We both chuckled at the situation as he started his car to take me home . He realized we needed to wait for the car 's ventilation to clear up the windows . I felt a weakness in my knees and a warmth in my chest that painted a nearly permanent smile on my face . I didn 't know what life had in store for us , but I was eager to find out . For the first time in years , this felt right . I awoke to my friend lightly tapping my shoulder . As I opened my eyes , crusty with last night 's mascara , I sat up and held my head in my hands . Wonderful . My first hangover . " What time is it ? " I asked her . She told me it was two in the afternoon and that we 'd all slept in longer than intended . Instinctively , I turned my gaze to the empty couch where Thomas had been . Before I could ask , she told me he 'd left for work hours before anyone was even awake . I nodded , but felt a tinge of disappointment . " Well , you were doing great until that tequila sunk in . Then you and I decided to go dancing outside in the snow and you kind of fell into … well , everything . The tree , the table , the fence , the fireplace , the barbecue , which is where you wound up with that battlescar there , " she explained as she motioned to my arm . I lowered the can to see what she meant and sure enough , there was a cut straight down the side of my forearm . I felt no pain , but it sure looked awful . " Geez ; I can 't believe I got that out of control … " I murmured . I took my first sip of the ginger ale and crinkled my nose at the taste . " Why do I taste vomit ? " " Well , that 's kinda how you wound up on the loveseat . The rest of us were pretty much gone , but Thomas was still basically sober . You started to get sick and he looked after you for the rest of the time , " she explained with a laugh . I buried my face in my hands . " So you mean to tell me I danced around , fell into everything and essentially passed out in a pool of my own vomit and had Thomas drag my drunken arse into the loveseat ? " I asked . My friend nodded , " yep . " I sighed in shame . Well , I 'm never gonna be able to show my face around him again . My friend offered me a ride home and I decided to accept ; I was in no condition to take the bus at this point . " Before we go , could you do me a favour and get me his number ? I need to apologize for yesterday ; it 's only fair . I owe him baked goods , " I stated as I removed the blankets from over my shoulders . My friend looked at me with amusement and said , " you don 't bake . " A few weeks later , Aaron and I had further lost our fire . I found myself going through the motions as I began to wish for him to just say or do something awful so I wouldn 't feel so terrible about how I felt towards him . To make it worse , I often found myself wondering how Thomas was doing . One afternoon , my mother and I were watching television with lunch when I heard a car door shut from outside the house . I glanced out the window to see one of my friends from the party making his way up the walkway . I was pleasantly surprised and started to rise to go grab the door when I saw Thomas appear around the corner , following him over . In a panic , I scrambled to the stairs . " Where are you going ? You 've got company , " my mother stated , confused at my sudden outburst . As I fled into my room , I shouted my reply , " don 't let them in ! I 'm not pretty yet ! " I quickly changed just as I heard the knocking at the door and came downstairs to meet them . We 'd spent the day watching anime and relaxing together at my friend 's house . I found myself rather nervous around Thomas , wishing the butterflies would cease . Whenever he looked at me , I would find it difficult to take my eyes away from his . Dammit . Why did they have to be blue ? Weeks later , my friends and I had decided to see another movie , and end it on a ' fort night . ' We planned to make a blanket fort in their house , eat snacks , watch movies , and basically have an old - fashioned sleepover . That morning , I baked a batch of double - chocolate cupcakes for everyone , but mainly for Thomas . I suppose I 'm nothing if not a woman of my word . After we had finished the movie , my friends purposely filled their truck with junk so I 'd have to go with Thomas . The drive from the theatre was a fair ways away , and my friends knew very well that he had often been on my mind . Worse yet , they understood my numbness to Aaron . While the drive was somewhat awkward , we filled the silence with small - talk and idle banter , but I remember feeling that sitting beside him in the passenger seat of his car just felt right somehow . We held the fort - night as we 'd planned , finished off the cupcakes , and as the night came to a close , all four of us had fallen asleep side - by - side in our separate blankets . Thomas was right beside me and I recall having the happiest sleep I 'd had in months . All too soon , dawn had come and I had to return home . However , after having spent that time with Thomas , I had started to realize the feelings I was developing for him were unlike anything I had felt in any relationship I 'd been in . It felt as though I were in second grade again . I found myself believing in the possibility of love again , and whenever I thought of him , nothing else mattered . Somehow , though I trusted no one else , I felt I could place my trust in him . I felt I could give him the benefit of the doubt . I felt that one day I could even give him my heart if he would have me . I knew what I needed to do . I felt as though I had finally found the person each failed relationship was leading me to . Something inside me said that I was born for him . I decided it was time to break it off with Aaron . I met Aaron at his house and sat him down to talk , but as I continued my lead - up to the difficult part of the conversation , he pulled me into his arms , pleading that I don 't continue . Knowing his pain was nearly unbearable , I teared up as I finished my thought . I had told him we needed to end it and that I wasn 't the person he was meant to be with , but he broke in front of me . I had never seen him so distressed and afraid . I had never seen someone wish so badly for me to stay . I broke down and took back what I 'd said , terrified that if I left then and there that he would do something drastic in his pain . I returned home , kicking myself for giving in as I 'd done . I sighed and put the idea out of my mind ; my friends , Thomas and I were going on a day trip to the mountains the next day , so at least I had that to look forward to . When I met my friends the next morning , one of them asked me how my conversation with Aaron went . I sighed and told her what had happened , ashamed to admit that I 'd let myself crack . The day continued as we walked the townsite , I noticed Thomas seemed a bit more gruff than I was used to seeing him . I pulled my friend aside and asked her if he was alright when she 'd told me , " I think he was planning on asking you out today , but since you 're still with Aaron , I think he 's a bit disappointed . " Mentally , I kicked myself for messing up what could have been the perfect setting for the beginning of a relationship . I decided to enjoy the day , regardless . We all had lunch on the patio , tossed the football around , enjoyed the sunlight , and delicious food before heading back as the sun set over the mountains . From our friends ' home , Thomas dropped me off at my house and I resigned myself to my decision to end things with Aaron once and for all . That night , I asked Aaron to walk with me . Forcing my blood to go cold , I told him cracking was my mistake and that staying in the relationship would only make things worse . He was still broken , but I made my way home before he could try to talk me out of it . My decision was made , and the sooner I had it done , the sooner we could leave it behind us . I knew Thomas was the next page in my story , and every bone in my body told me the chapters ahead would not be easy ; but they would have one thing the previous chapters lacked . I stepped away from dating after Seth , but the pain lingered for much longer than I 'd like to admit . Whenever a man came along that I found myself liking , I would pull away out of distrust . I even started pulling away from my own friends and family . Regardless of who it was , I found myself questioning everything people did or said around me . Internally , I was in a rage , but on the outside , I simply seemed as though I couldn 't be phased by anyone . It was well over a year before I happened across an old acquaintance from junior high named Aaron . I didn 't know him very well at the time , but we found ourselves talking often , becoming good friends in the passing months . I decided I would invite him to the summer festival that was being held in the city . We met up at the bus stop one beautiful day and started the night as friends ; I did not suspect we would leave as lovers . When we arrived , the crowds were already bustling . We spent the day walking around , talking , going on rides ; he 'd even won me a little Pikachu toy in one of the games . We 'd stayed there until late into the night before we 'd decided to find our way back to our area . We lived close to each other , so we found ourselves sitting on the grass waiting for the worst of the crowds to clear before catching the last train of the night . It was there he admitted he wanted to be more than friends . At the time , I felt conflict . I was uncertain of whether or not to allow myself to try again , fearing that I would only wind up looking like a fool in the end . As the day had passed , I decided I did not fancy the idea of swearing off dating forever ; and if I were to have a chance with someone , surely a man that was a close friend beforehand would be as good a risk as any . He walked me home that night and after brief seconds of somewhat awkward silence , we shared a kiss before he started making his way back to his house . He was a good man to be with , and capable of making me laugh , but the whisper - quiet nagging in the back of my consciousness grew louder once more after we had been dating for about a year . When he had told me he loved me , and I said I 'd returned those feelings , I desperately wanted to believe it was true , but my heart was still closed off . Despite our chemistry , I was unable to shake my growing distrust in him . While I never had solid proof of the fact , I had suspected he was in love with a woman he worked with . I never pried ; I knew I didn 't want to know either way . As each month passed , I started to realize where I stood . It was a difficult pill to swallow , but I knew I had accepted him out of fear of loneliness , thinking I ought to be with someone who loved me , even if I could not return that affection . I was angry with myself for only realizing it so far into the relationship , and as I pondered how to bring it up , I did not know where to start . Whenever I thought I was about to bring up the subject , the selfish fear of loneliness crept back into my view . So you 'll leave a man who loves you ; would you rather have nothing ? One night , I was invited out to a friend 's birthday party . As we gathered at the theatre , my friends mentioned we were waiting on one more person to join us ; his name was Thomas . As fate would have it , I was somewhat familiar with our final guest , having been aware of him in high school . Though we 'd never spoken , something about him had stood out subtly in my mind . It had been a few years , and I 'd long since forgotten my curiosity . As our attention turned to the entrance , we spotted him making his way through the doors . We called out to him and I waved him over , surprised that I was happy to see him . I 'd hardly ever met him , really . I shrugged off the thought and we piled into the theatre . I was sitting between Aaron and my friend , but we 'd spent the movie in silence . As the credits rolled , we waited for the crowds to pile out of the theatre before we hopped into the cars and made our way to Aaron 's house . The party would continue at my friend 's place , but he had to work the next day . We bid farewell and I hopped into the car with the others , feeling the tension disappear . When we 'd arrived , Thomas and I sat quietly on the couch as our friends started to crack out the liquor . I 'd only been drunk twice in my life , and was not generally a fan of alcohol , but I recall feeling butterflies in my stomach that I had not felt since second grade as I glanced at Thomas . I remember thinking , " was he always this tall ? " As my friends handed me my first drink , I shook off the thought and as we pulled out the beer pong table , I decided to up the ante ; by playing with a bottle of raspberry vodka . I was doing alright until my friend decided to see how I handled my tequila . Sometime late in the night , I 'd opened my eyes to the darkness of my friends ' living room . I was lying on the loveseat with a blanket over my body . In the darkness , I saw a shape on the nearby couch . When I realized the shape was snoring , I knew it was Thomas . In my groggy , half - asleep state , I recall feeling a sense of warmth at the knowledge that he was nearby and slipped back into sleep with a smile on my lips . I managed to get a hold of Seth and made my way over to his house , contemplating what I was going to say . When I arrived , he greeted me with a hug and leaned in for a kiss , but I turned my cheek instinctively and asked him to take a seat . I could almost see his heart drop and explained to him how I had been feeling , telling him I thought it best if we end the relationship before things got worse . To his credit , he took it very well and handled it maturely . I collected my things and we hugged . I knew he was fighting back the tears , so I thought it best to leave so he could let out his emotions ; I knew he wouldn 't want to do so in front of me , especially not now . I walked out the door and returned home , feeling a surprising sense of relief . It almost felt as though I had been holding my breath for a long stretch of time , and had finally allowed myself to exhale . The air felt cleaner , the sun shone brighter , and I knew I had done the right thing . After a few weeks , I got in touch with Ryder . We 'd decided to catch a movie one night and I recall being nervous the entire time . We ended the night on a simple kiss before I made my way home , giddy and eager to see him again . One day , I decided to go hang out with him at his place . We spent the time watching movies and as one thing lead to another , we wound up sleeping together . He had to work early the next morning , so we drove to the area of his shop and went our separate ways . I remember practically dancing home . We hung out more often and I 'd learned more about he and his career . I had also learned that he had a son whom he often saw . While that fact surprised me , I didn 't care ; I was falling for him hard and fast , and was ready and willing to accept anything at that point if it meant he 'd want me . I knew he was still hung up over the mother of his child , but I was willing to work through any scars he had . Before too long , however , he started to do things that seemed all too familiar . He was less talkative , unavailable more often , and he started to do and say things that would throw me off . For example , he once described me as the ' expendable red - shirt ' in his circle . That struck me like a dagger through the heart , but I laughed it off as a joke . I started to notice a trend . Whenever I would strike up a conversation or try to say hello to him , my messages would be ignored . Then weeks later , he would call me , asking if I wanted to hang out . I was just happy to hear from him at all , so of course , I obliged , but I started to learn that he was only calling me when no one else was answering , or when he felt lonely . Regardless , I still wanted to be around him whenever I could . I can clearly recall the last night we 'd spent together . The next morning , he dropped me off at the nearest train station , but he didn 't drive off while I walked away . Then I remember passing by an alternative girl with bright pink hair . I had a feeling in my stomach when I passed her and waited inside the station to where the glass windows overlooked the lot . As I suspected , I watched her climb into the passenger seat of his car , and he drove away . The numbness started to show it 's ugly head once more as I took the long trip home , uncertain of where to go from there . I stopped attempting to get in touch as much , but like an obedient little puppy , I would always answer when he called and show up when he requested . To this day , I shake my head at the memory . I knew I had meant next to nothing to him , but anytime he told me he was sad or lonely , I was right by his side with what may as well have been the snap of his fingers . So desperate to impress him and to show him how much I cared , I knew I would do anything he asked if it meant he would smile even if only for a moment ; and even though I could feel myself die a little every time I heard his name or saw his face , I would keep up the charade for nearly a year before he 'd drawn the final straw . It was New Year 's Eve , and I had planned to invite a few people over to have dinner , then head out to see the fireworks . More than anything , I was crossing my fingers for Ryder to show , but to my dismay , no one showed up at all . I 'd spent the countdown alone , having thrown or put away most of the food I 'd prepared and finished the bottle of wine on my own as I let my desire for sleep take me . The next day , he texted me and asked how my evening was . Unwilling to tell him how I felt , I simply said it was quiet and uneventful . Still , he must have known I was hurting , so he invited me out to run errands with him . When the time came to decide whether I would go home with him or otherwise , he decided to drop me off at the bus stop in the downtown core . It wasn 't quite midnight yet , so I knew I would still be able to catch the last bus . As he drove away , I put my earbuds in my ears and let the sadness hit me again . To my surprise , a couple minutes later , I felt someone tug at my handbag . I turned to see a man in a brown hoodie trying to pry my purse from me . When he realized I wasn 't letting go , he stepped in and delivered a swift punch to my rib - cage . In a pained panic , I reached out with the palm of my hand and pushed up on his nose with a swift thrust , knocking him to the ground as I started to run to the next bus stop . I managed to flag down the bus and got on , managing to escape and return home somewhat safely . I didn 't even call the police to report anything . I simply checked my bruises to make sure they weren 't too serious , curled up , and went to bed . As the days passed , I started to let the pain really sink in . I began to understand that Ryder would never love me , regardless of my actions . I sent him a message , essentially saying farewell , and turned my back on him as I knew I should have done nearly a year ago . I felt no relief . Only sadness . I felt that through the course of his influence , I had lost so much of myself and despite the fact that I had ' left ' him , I still wanted him near me . Due to my habit of skipping classes and not showing up to school , when graduation crept near , I decided to stay back one more year to tie up my academic loose ends . By the time my Grade 13 year began , the rumours had become old news and people started focusing on other things . I knew I didn 't want to bother dating for some time , so I decided to simply do my own thing , hoping this year would pass quickly so I could finally leave behind all the bad memories and move on with my life . I had started to reach out and reconnect with some old friends . As fate would have it , my first boyfriend ( Seth ) started contacting me with casual conversations . I knew my feelings for him hadn 't gone away , but the pain had long died down . Conversation turned to coffee , then coffee turned into a lunch date . Before we knew it , we were in a relationship again . I was slightly concerned about the whole thing when it all started ; after all , I remember how horrible I felt the last time we parted . I knew I had grown much over the years , however . As time passed , our relationship built and we even lived together for about a year . Granted , the circumstances as to why I moved in with him weren 't the greatest . When you 're at that age and living with your parents , personalities have a tendency to clash . So I figured , " I 'll move in with my boyfriend ; whom you despise , by the way . That 'll show ya . " All things considered , our relationship was going well ; I may even say it was thriving . The distance did my family and I some good as my relationship with them began to grow much less toxic . However , over two years of being with Seth began to wear on my nerves . I don 't know what changed , but it seemed as though suddenly , everything he did just made me cringe . I tried to shrug it off and pretend I was just in a weird state of mind ; surely it would pass . The leaves changed , the weather began to grow colder , and I found myself growing distant . We started to get into more arguments , and I found myself feeling physically sick whenever he touched me or held me . I started to go for late - night walks just to get away . In retrospect , I couldn 't imagine how confusing my behaviour must have been for him at the time . I decided to take on a seasonal job working at a Halloween festival in the city , hoping it would get my mind off of my relationship . That job turned out to be one of the best times I could recall from my teen years . I was just a games attendant , but the people there were so much fun to work with . I found myself genuinely smiling while I was there . Especially when I was matched up to work with Ryder . He was an odd duck , that 's for sure ; but his eccentric nature and devilish grin had piqued my curiosity . I looked forward to working with him every weekend , and before I knew it , I was hooked . It was an unfortunate situation ; every time Seth spoke to me , I found myself rolling my eyes and wishing for silence . The dynamic when I was working with Ryder was so drastically different that I found myself wanting to be around him as much as I could . Despite these feelings , I kept my distance . I had started staying at my parents ' again from time to time just to get some decent sleep . By the time the final day of the festival had come and gone , I collected my things from the booth I was stationed at and recall feeling a sense of panic when my coworker / friend at the time decided she would run over and tell him I wanted to , how she so eloquently put it ; " have his mouth - babies . " I wasn 't sure what that meant , but before I could grab her or flag her down , she 'd already run up to him and was tugging his sleeve . I remember feeling hot head - to - toe , and feeling unsure of whether or not I should stay and wait for the rejection or simply leave then and there so I wouldn 't have to see . My legs seemed to have decided for me as they cemented to the ground . To my surprise , after a quick exchange of words , Ryder looked over to me , smiled brightly , looked back at my friend and did a little hop of joy before she ran back to join me . Well , you forget ; I was still in a relationship with Seth at the time . Testing the waters when I 'm already taken has never been my style . However , once that night had ended , and I climbed into my bed , I knew I had some thinking to do . I would be speaking to Seth the next day , and quite possibly for the last time . After I watched Cory 's car disappear for the final time , I didn 't just break ; I self - destructed . I cried myself to sleep nearly every night and lost my inspiration in all things . It was around the first time I started to inflict physical harm on myself . I didn 't know if it was as a result from losing Cory , or if it was simply a combination of the depression I 'd been trying to keep at bay . I no longer cared about the reason ; it just gave me a different kind of pain to focus on . I got involved with someone new half a year later , eager to feel loved by someone ; anyone . I found a pretty - boy named Michael who seemed to be almost as deluded as I was . He won me over with good looks and pretty words , but my lack of confidence and numbness of self was very obvious . We were only together for a couple weeks , and it wasn 't long before he started taking advantage of it . I found myself hanging out with he and his friends all the time , to whom he would insist to grab my chest because I had to be ' felt to be believed . ' I didn 't let myself care . I just shrugged and went along with it . I would do anything to be accepted , and my body no longer meant much to me . Whatever I have to do to keep the loneliness away . No one ever did anything but feel me up , though . Still , I can 't say I 'm happy about letting anyone put their hands on me . He called me his ' angel ' and that was good enough for me . One day , he took me home with him and we watched a movie , and we even started cuddling . He and I kissed a little , but I wouldn 't even call it making - out . For a moment , I felt something more than slight attraction , but it was late and I my ride home was waiting outside . I said goodbye and went on my way . He started to mess with me . Some days , he would talk to me , others he would blatantly avoid me . I soon found out it was because he was getting involved with someone else . I couldn 't feel sadness anymore ; all I felt was a rising anger that only worsened every day he continued the games . I had started to overhear stories at school . Stories that said I had forced myself on him , that I had practically raped him , and that I was just some whore that would fuck pretty much anyone who told me their name . I wasn 't very popular to begin with , but this made me one of the most - hated people around at the time , and the friends I 'd had left stopped wanting to be around me . I found him waiting for his bus one day when everyone else had already gone home . Content I had him alone , I told him I never wanted to seem him again and that whatever we 'd had was done . I knew breaking up with him wouldn 't make my situation any better , but I just wanted to make sure he wouldn 't come back to toy with my emotions and lack of social life again . The next couple of months consisted of getting out of bed , going to school and wandering the city and graveyard until I could try to get home in time to intercept the automated call from the school saying I was absent . Sometimes it worked , sometimes it didn 't . I received many a stern lecture , but every word went through one ear and out the other . I didn 't want to have to hear it anymore . I didn 't want to hear the uttering threats and hateful names , knowing I had no one on my side who even cared whether or not the stories were true . If I was going to be the ' most - hated ' girl in school , I figured I should simply make myself scarce . People were not shy about saying my attendance was a waste of time and space . After a few months had passed , I started returning to school on - and - off , and the hate started to grow less obvious . Rather than threats and hateful words , I 'd simply suffer the occasional dirty look . I was completely numb . The only time I felt anything was when I was angry , or when I crumbled and started hunting for the razor blade again to steal away my focus . My break - up with Felix was hitting me harder than I thought it would . I had mistakenly allowed myself to get too attached , and to top it all off , I had essentially " broken - up " with the majority of my friends as a result . I decided to try jumping right into a different relationship , certain that my sadness would go away if I found someone else to focus my time and energy on ; I created an account on an online dating site . Not the smartest idea since I was still technically underage . I had a few responses , but only one really seemed to stand out . He was a 21 year - old named Cory . He seemed like a sweet , level - headed guy , but he lived an entire province away . That didn 't stop us from trying to meet , however . It wasn 't long before he made the decision to drive out to meet me . I counted down the days and agreed to meet him in the park one afternoon . When I arrived , he was waiting for me on the swing - set , and the first thing he said to me was , " saved you a seat ; you get the squeaky one . " I laughed as the tension faded and we began our first conversation we 'd ever had face - to - face . He was exactly what I 'd thought he 'd be . He only spent a few days there with me , but it was the most calm and relaxed I 'd been for a long time , so seeing him go was a particularly sad day , but we started texting each other constantly until he returned a couple months later . While he was here , we 'd dubbed the French Vanilla Iced Cappuccinos our personal drinks ; seriously , we couldn 't stop , it was unhealthy . Some couples have a song , some have a movie , we had a cold drink . That 's not weird , is it ? That was when we decided to get a little more serious . We spent the day in the townsite by the mountains , listening to music and exploring the shops before driving back to the city by sunset and going our separate ways at night . The next day , I 'd decided to join him in his hotel . I don 't recall much about the experience , but before too long , it was time for him to return home again . Knowing he 'd be back before too long , I was content with texting and calling until then . Once again , he visited me a few more months down the road . The first couple of days were fantastic . We 'd spent the second day at the movies , but for some reason , I found myself feeling a bit out of sorts . I was not as jovial as I usually was and I think he must have noticed ; I knew I was simply wishing he didn 't have to leave the next day . We came home to my house that night and cuddled up on the couch until the late - night . It was about two in the morning when a silence set over us . Before even a minute had passed , he spoke quietly . " I really like you … " It took me a moment to process the blunt remark and I moved away from him in hurt confusion . He explained that he enjoyed being with me , but just didn 't think I was ' the one for him . ' While I understood , I can 't say the feeling was mutual . I held back my tears as much as I could and suggested he sleep in the guest bedroom while I slept in mine upstairs . He agreed and the moment he was out of the room , the tears came . I cried quietly , hoping no one would hear . I managed to achieve scattered sleep before morning came . He had wanted to be awake by a certain time , so as I usually did , I walked down the stairs to wake him . He seemed to have forgotten our conversation when he had just woken up and started to pull me down to cuddle with him , but when I gently pushed away and stood for a moment in awkward silence , it seemed that he remembered what had happened . I met him upstairs , thinking he would want to be on his way , but he lingered between conversation and watching tv with me until sunset . The wait felt like torture , but a part of me was happy because I still got to spend a little more time with him there . I helped him bring his bags out to his car . As we loaded the final piece into the back , we looked at each other and he took a step towards me so he was close as I dropped my chin to cover my face with my hair , hoping he wouldn 't see my eyes welling up with tears . He lifted my chin and apologized for hurting me . I said nothing , and simply nodded . He pulled me close and we shared one more long kiss before he drove away into the light of dusk . I watched until his car turned around the corner for the final time and returned to my home to finally let myself break . |
Thomas wasted no time ; the next morning , he called and we set a day to meet . I counted down the days , and when the day arrived , my stomach was in knots . I tried on nearly every outfit I owned , changed my hair and makeup three times , and I may have gone through an entire pack of gum before my phone buzzed and he 'd arrived . I found myself rolling my eyes at my frazzled nerves ; I hadn 't felt this frazzled over a guy since elementary school . I took a deep breath to try and calm the butterflies and walked out to his car . It had to be one of the brightest and sunniest summer days of my life . As we drove to the theatre , I sat back and enjoyed the moment . The windows were down , the sun was radiant , and for the first time since our fort night , the moment just felt right . After the movie , we headed over to a nearby Italian restaraunt , but as we took a seat , I grew even more nervous . The draw to the movie theatre is it is a date location that doesn 't involve a lot of actual interaction . At a restaraunt , you don 't really have anything to take the focus away from you , making the vulnerability much harder to ignore . At first , I was a bit quiet , but before we knew it , we were talking and laughing away , not realizing it was time for the restaraunt to close . He paid the bill and we walked out to his car . Along the way , he asked , " well , now what ? " I sighed and thought for a moment . I certainly didn 't want the night to end , but I also didn 't want to come across as clingy ; which is no easy feat , I 'll have you know . I 'm notorious for my tendancy to cling . He brought up the idea of ice cream , suggesting we pull up to the airport runway viewing area to watch the planes come in and take off . I agreed and before we knew it , we were taking in the sights of the airport in his car . Talking back and forth , I started to learn how passionate he was about aviation and his work in the industry . It was nice to be around someone who still had dreams careerwise . Most men I had dated seemed nearly devoid of those aspirations ; this one was in a word , refreshing . " So , I have a question for you … " he lead . I knew what he was going to ask , and by the little grin on his face , I could tell he knew the answer already . He asked if we could go steady . Of course , I was already smitten . The car had gone quiet again as I remained in my seat blushing like a starstruck idiot . He nuzzled his head against my arm for a moment and motioned me over to cuddle up to his side . It didn 't take much convincing . I stopped and looked up at him and we leaned in and shared our first kiss . I immediately felt a rush of warmth flow through my veins and the kiss deepened . Before I knew it , the car 's windows had fogged up and it was getting quite late . We both chuckled at the situation as he started his car to take me home . He realized we needed to wait for the car 's ventilation to clear up the windows . I felt a weakness in my knees and a warmth in my chest that painted a nearly permanent smile on my face . I didn 't know what life had in store for us , but I was eager to find out . For the first time in years , this felt right . I awoke to my friend lightly tapping my shoulder . As I opened my eyes , crusty with last night 's mascara , I sat up and held my head in my hands . Wonderful . My first hangover . " What time is it ? " I asked her . She told me it was two in the afternoon and that we 'd all slept in longer than intended . Instinctively , I turned my gaze to the empty couch where Thomas had been . Before I could ask , she told me he 'd left for work hours before anyone was even awake . I nodded , but felt a tinge of disappointment . " Well , you were doing great until that tequila sunk in . Then you and I decided to go dancing outside in the snow and you kind of fell into … well , everything . The tree , the table , the fence , the fireplace , the barbecue , which is where you wound up with that battlescar there , " she explained as she motioned to my arm . I lowered the can to see what she meant and sure enough , there was a cut straight down the side of my forearm . I felt no pain , but it sure looked awful . " Geez ; I can 't believe I got that out of control … " I murmured . I took my first sip of the ginger ale and crinkled my nose at the taste . " Why do I taste vomit ? " " Well , that 's kinda how you wound up on the loveseat . The rest of us were pretty much gone , but Thomas was still basically sober . You started to get sick and he looked after you for the rest of the time , " she explained with a laugh . I buried my face in my hands . " So you mean to tell me I danced around , fell into everything and essentially passed out in a pool of my own vomit and had Thomas drag my drunken arse into the loveseat ? " I asked . My friend nodded , " yep . " I sighed in shame . Well , I 'm never gonna be able to show my face around him again . My friend offered me a ride home and I decided to accept ; I was in no condition to take the bus at this point . " Before we go , could you do me a favour and get me his number ? I need to apologize for yesterday ; it 's only fair . I owe him baked goods , " I stated as I removed the blankets from over my shoulders . My friend looked at me with amusement and said , " you don 't bake . " A few weeks later , Aaron and I had further lost our fire . I found myself going through the motions as I began to wish for him to just say or do something awful so I wouldn 't feel so terrible about how I felt towards him . To make it worse , I often found myself wondering how Thomas was doing . One afternoon , my mother and I were watching television with lunch when I heard a car door shut from outside the house . I glanced out the window to see one of my friends from the party making his way up the walkway . I was pleasantly surprised and started to rise to go grab the door when I saw Thomas appear around the corner , following him over . In a panic , I scrambled to the stairs . " Where are you going ? You 've got company , " my mother stated , confused at my sudden outburst . As I fled into my room , I shouted my reply , " don 't let them in ! I 'm not pretty yet ! " I quickly changed just as I heard the knocking at the door and came downstairs to meet them . We 'd spent the day watching anime and relaxing together at my friend 's house . I found myself rather nervous around Thomas , wishing the butterflies would cease . Whenever he looked at me , I would find it difficult to take my eyes away from his . Dammit . Why did they have to be blue ? Weeks later , my friends and I had decided to see another movie , and end it on a ' fort night . ' We planned to make a blanket fort in their house , eat snacks , watch movies , and basically have an old - fashioned sleepover . That morning , I baked a batch of double - chocolate cupcakes for everyone , but mainly for Thomas . I suppose I 'm nothing if not a woman of my word . After we had finished the movie , my friends purposely filled their truck with junk so I 'd have to go with Thomas . The drive from the theatre was a fair ways away , and my friends knew very well that he had often been on my mind . Worse yet , they understood my numbness to Aaron . While the drive was somewhat awkward , we filled the silence with small - talk and idle banter , but I remember feeling that sitting beside him in the passenger seat of his car just felt right somehow . We held the fort - night as we 'd planned , finished off the cupcakes , and as the night came to a close , all four of us had fallen asleep side - by - side in our separate blankets . Thomas was right beside me and I recall having the happiest sleep I 'd had in months . All too soon , dawn had come and I had to return home . However , after having spent that time with Thomas , I had started to realize the feelings I was developing for him were unlike anything I had felt in any relationship I 'd been in . It felt as though I were in second grade again . I found myself believing in the possibility of love again , and whenever I thought of him , nothing else mattered . Somehow , though I trusted no one else , I felt I could place my trust in him . I felt I could give him the benefit of the doubt . I felt that one day I could even give him my heart if he would have me . I knew what I needed to do . I felt as though I had finally found the person each failed relationship was leading me to . Something inside me said that I was born for him . I decided it was time to break it off with Aaron . I met Aaron at his house and sat him down to talk , but as I continued my lead - up to the difficult part of the conversation , he pulled me into his arms , pleading that I don 't continue . Knowing his pain was nearly unbearable , I teared up as I finished my thought . I had told him we needed to end it and that I wasn 't the person he was meant to be with , but he broke in front of me . I had never seen him so distressed and afraid . I had never seen someone wish so badly for me to stay . I broke down and took back what I 'd said , terrified that if I left then and there that he would do something drastic in his pain . I returned home , kicking myself for giving in as I 'd done . I sighed and put the idea out of my mind ; my friends , Thomas and I were going on a day trip to the mountains the next day , so at least I had that to look forward to . When I met my friends the next morning , one of them asked me how my conversation with Aaron went . I sighed and told her what had happened , ashamed to admit that I 'd let myself crack . The day continued as we walked the townsite , I noticed Thomas seemed a bit more gruff than I was used to seeing him . I pulled my friend aside and asked her if he was alright when she 'd told me , " I think he was planning on asking you out today , but since you 're still with Aaron , I think he 's a bit disappointed . " Mentally , I kicked myself for messing up what could have been the perfect setting for the beginning of a relationship . I decided to enjoy the day , regardless . We all had lunch on the patio , tossed the football around , enjoyed the sunlight , and delicious food before heading back as the sun set over the mountains . From our friends ' home , Thomas dropped me off at my house and I resigned myself to my decision to end things with Aaron once and for all . That night , I asked Aaron to walk with me . Forcing my blood to go cold , I told him cracking was my mistake and that staying in the relationship would only make things worse . He was still broken , but I made my way home before he could try to talk me out of it . My decision was made , and the sooner I had it done , the sooner we could leave it behind us . I knew Thomas was the next page in my story , and every bone in my body told me the chapters ahead would not be easy ; but they would have one thing the previous chapters lacked . I stepped away from dating after Seth , but the pain lingered for much longer than I 'd like to admit . Whenever a man came along that I found myself liking , I would pull away out of distrust . I even started pulling away from my own friends and family . Regardless of who it was , I found myself questioning everything people did or said around me . Internally , I was in a rage , but on the outside , I simply seemed as though I couldn 't be phased by anyone . It was well over a year before I happened across an old acquaintance from junior high named Aaron . I didn 't know him very well at the time , but we found ourselves talking often , becoming good friends in the passing months . I decided I would invite him to the summer festival that was being held in the city . We met up at the bus stop one beautiful day and started the night as friends ; I did not suspect we would leave as lovers . When we arrived , the crowds were already bustling . We spent the day walking around , talking , going on rides ; he 'd even won me a little Pikachu toy in one of the games . We 'd stayed there until late into the night before we 'd decided to find our way back to our area . We lived close to each other , so we found ourselves sitting on the grass waiting for the worst of the crowds to clear before catching the last train of the night . It was there he admitted he wanted to be more than friends . At the time , I felt conflict . I was uncertain of whether or not to allow myself to try again , fearing that I would only wind up looking like a fool in the end . As the day had passed , I decided I did not fancy the idea of swearing off dating forever ; and if I were to have a chance with someone , surely a man that was a close friend beforehand would be as good a risk as any . He walked me home that night and after brief seconds of somewhat awkward silence , we shared a kiss before he started making his way back to his house . He was a good man to be with , and capable of making me laugh , but the whisper - quiet nagging in the back of my consciousness grew louder once more after we had been dating for about a year . When he had told me he loved me , and I said I 'd returned those feelings , I desperately wanted to believe it was true , but my heart was still closed off . Despite our chemistry , I was unable to shake my growing distrust in him . While I never had solid proof of the fact , I had suspected he was in love with a woman he worked with . I never pried ; I knew I didn 't want to know either way . As each month passed , I started to realize where I stood . It was a difficult pill to swallow , but I knew I had accepted him out of fear of loneliness , thinking I ought to be with someone who loved me , even if I could not return that affection . I was angry with myself for only realizing it so far into the relationship , and as I pondered how to bring it up , I did not know where to start . Whenever I thought I was about to bring up the subject , the selfish fear of loneliness crept back into my view . So you 'll leave a man who loves you ; would you rather have nothing ? One night , I was invited out to a friend 's birthday party . As we gathered at the theatre , my friends mentioned we were waiting on one more person to join us ; his name was Thomas . As fate would have it , I was somewhat familiar with our final guest , having been aware of him in high school . Though we 'd never spoken , something about him had stood out subtly in my mind . It had been a few years , and I 'd long since forgotten my curiosity . As our attention turned to the entrance , we spotted him making his way through the doors . We called out to him and I waved him over , surprised that I was happy to see him . I 'd hardly ever met him , really . I shrugged off the thought and we piled into the theatre . I was sitting between Aaron and my friend , but we 'd spent the movie in silence . As the credits rolled , we waited for the crowds to pile out of the theatre before we hopped into the cars and made our way to Aaron 's house . The party would continue at my friend 's place , but he had to work the next day . We bid farewell and I hopped into the car with the others , feeling the tension disappear . When we 'd arrived , Thomas and I sat quietly on the couch as our friends started to crack out the liquor . I 'd only been drunk twice in my life , and was not generally a fan of alcohol , but I recall feeling butterflies in my stomach that I had not felt since second grade as I glanced at Thomas . I remember thinking , " was he always this tall ? " As my friends handed me my first drink , I shook off the thought and as we pulled out the beer pong table , I decided to up the ante ; by playing with a bottle of raspberry vodka . I was doing alright until my friend decided to see how I handled my tequila . Sometime late in the night , I 'd opened my eyes to the darkness of my friends ' living room . I was lying on the loveseat with a blanket over my body . In the darkness , I saw a shape on the nearby couch . When I realized the shape was snoring , I knew it was Thomas . In my groggy , half - asleep state , I recall feeling a sense of warmth at the knowledge that he was nearby and slipped back into sleep with a smile on my lips . I managed to get a hold of Seth and made my way over to his house , contemplating what I was going to say . When I arrived , he greeted me with a hug and leaned in for a kiss , but I turned my cheek instinctively and asked him to take a seat . I could almost see his heart drop and explained to him how I had been feeling , telling him I thought it best if we end the relationship before things got worse . To his credit , he took it very well and handled it maturely . I collected my things and we hugged . I knew he was fighting back the tears , so I thought it best to leave so he could let out his emotions ; I knew he wouldn 't want to do so in front of me , especially not now . I walked out the door and returned home , feeling a surprising sense of relief . It almost felt as though I had been holding my breath for a long stretch of time , and had finally allowed myself to exhale . The air felt cleaner , the sun shone brighter , and I knew I had done the right thing . After a few weeks , I got in touch with Ryder . We 'd decided to catch a movie one night and I recall being nervous the entire time . We ended the night on a simple kiss before I made my way home , giddy and eager to see him again . One day , I decided to go hang out with him at his place . We spent the time watching movies and as one thing lead to another , we wound up sleeping together . He had to work early the next morning , so we drove to the area of his shop and went our separate ways . I remember practically dancing home . We hung out more often and I 'd learned more about he and his career . I had also learned that he had a son whom he often saw . While that fact surprised me , I didn 't care ; I was falling for him hard and fast , and was ready and willing to accept anything at that point if it meant he 'd want me . I knew he was still hung up over the mother of his child , but I was willing to work through any scars he had . Before too long , however , he started to do things that seemed all too familiar . He was less talkative , unavailable more often , and he started to do and say things that would throw me off . For example , he once described me as the ' expendable red - shirt ' in his circle . That struck me like a dagger through the heart , but I laughed it off as a joke . I started to notice a trend . Whenever I would strike up a conversation or try to say hello to him , my messages would be ignored . Then weeks later , he would call me , asking if I wanted to hang out . I was just happy to hear from him at all , so of course , I obliged , but I started to learn that he was only calling me when no one else was answering , or when he felt lonely . Regardless , I still wanted to be around him whenever I could . I can clearly recall the last night we 'd spent together . The next morning , he dropped me off at the nearest train station , but he didn 't drive off while I walked away . Then I remember passing by an alternative girl with bright pink hair . I had a feeling in my stomach when I passed her and waited inside the station to where the glass windows overlooked the lot . As I suspected , I watched her climb into the passenger seat of his car , and he drove away . The numbness started to show it 's ugly head once more as I took the long trip home , uncertain of where to go from there . I stopped attempting to get in touch as much , but like an obedient little puppy , I would always answer when he called and show up when he requested . To this day , I shake my head at the memory . I knew I had meant next to nothing to him , but anytime he told me he was sad or lonely , I was right by his side with what may as well have been the snap of his fingers . So desperate to impress him and to show him how much I cared , I knew I would do anything he asked if it meant he would smile even if only for a moment ; and even though I could feel myself die a little every time I heard his name or saw his face , I would keep up the charade for nearly a year before he 'd drawn the final straw . It was New Year 's Eve , and I had planned to invite a few people over to have dinner , then head out to see the fireworks . More than anything , I was crossing my fingers for Ryder to show , but to my dismay , no one showed up at all . I 'd spent the countdown alone , having thrown or put away most of the food I 'd prepared and finished the bottle of wine on my own as I let my desire for sleep take me . The next day , he texted me and asked how my evening was . Unwilling to tell him how I felt , I simply said it was quiet and uneventful . Still , he must have known I was hurting , so he invited me out to run errands with him . When the time came to decide whether I would go home with him or otherwise , he decided to drop me off at the bus stop in the downtown core . It wasn 't quite midnight yet , so I knew I would still be able to catch the last bus . As he drove away , I put my earbuds in my ears and let the sadness hit me again . To my surprise , a couple minutes later , I felt someone tug at my handbag . I turned to see a man in a brown hoodie trying to pry my purse from me . When he realized I wasn 't letting go , he stepped in and delivered a swift punch to my rib - cage . In a pained panic , I reached out with the palm of my hand and pushed up on his nose with a swift thrust , knocking him to the ground as I started to run to the next bus stop . I managed to flag down the bus and got on , managing to escape and return home somewhat safely . I didn 't even call the police to report anything . I simply checked my bruises to make sure they weren 't too serious , curled up , and went to bed . As the days passed , I started to let the pain really sink in . I began to understand that Ryder would never love me , regardless of my actions . I sent him a message , essentially saying farewell , and turned my back on him as I knew I should have done nearly a year ago . I felt no relief . Only sadness . I felt that through the course of his influence , I had lost so much of myself and despite the fact that I had ' left ' him , I still wanted him near me . Due to my habit of skipping classes and not showing up to school , when graduation crept near , I decided to stay back one more year to tie up my academic loose ends . By the time my Grade 13 year began , the rumours had become old news and people started focusing on other things . I knew I didn 't want to bother dating for some time , so I decided to simply do my own thing , hoping this year would pass quickly so I could finally leave behind all the bad memories and move on with my life . I had started to reach out and reconnect with some old friends . As fate would have it , my first boyfriend ( Seth ) started contacting me with casual conversations . I knew my feelings for him hadn 't gone away , but the pain had long died down . Conversation turned to coffee , then coffee turned into a lunch date . Before we knew it , we were in a relationship again . I was slightly concerned about the whole thing when it all started ; after all , I remember how horrible I felt the last time we parted . I knew I had grown much over the years , however . As time passed , our relationship built and we even lived together for about a year . Granted , the circumstances as to why I moved in with him weren 't the greatest . When you 're at that age and living with your parents , personalities have a tendency to clash . So I figured , " I 'll move in with my boyfriend ; whom you despise , by the way . That 'll show ya . " All things considered , our relationship was going well ; I may even say it was thriving . The distance did my family and I some good as my relationship with them began to grow much less toxic . However , over two years of being with Seth began to wear on my nerves . I don 't know what changed , but it seemed as though suddenly , everything he did just made me cringe . I tried to shrug it off and pretend I was just in a weird state of mind ; surely it would pass . The leaves changed , the weather began to grow colder , and I found myself growing distant . We started to get into more arguments , and I found myself feeling physically sick whenever he touched me or held me . I started to go for late - night walks just to get away . In retrospect , I couldn 't imagine how confusing my behaviour must have been for him at the time . I decided to take on a seasonal job working at a Halloween festival in the city , hoping it would get my mind off of my relationship . That job turned out to be one of the best times I could recall from my teen years . I was just a games attendant , but the people there were so much fun to work with . I found myself genuinely smiling while I was there . Especially when I was matched up to work with Ryder . He was an odd duck , that 's for sure ; but his eccentric nature and devilish grin had piqued my curiosity . I looked forward to working with him every weekend , and before I knew it , I was hooked . It was an unfortunate situation ; every time Seth spoke to me , I found myself rolling my eyes and wishing for silence . The dynamic when I was working with Ryder was so drastically different that I found myself wanting to be around him as much as I could . Despite these feelings , I kept my distance . I had started staying at my parents ' again from time to time just to get some decent sleep . By the time the final day of the festival had come and gone , I collected my things from the booth I was stationed at and recall feeling a sense of panic when my coworker / friend at the time decided she would run over and tell him I wanted to , how she so eloquently put it ; " have his mouth - babies . " I wasn 't sure what that meant , but before I could grab her or flag her down , she 'd already run up to him and was tugging his sleeve . I remember feeling hot head - to - toe , and feeling unsure of whether or not I should stay and wait for the rejection or simply leave then and there so I wouldn 't have to see . My legs seemed to have decided for me as they cemented to the ground . To my surprise , after a quick exchange of words , Ryder looked over to me , smiled brightly , looked back at my friend and did a little hop of joy before she ran back to join me . Well , you forget ; I was still in a relationship with Seth at the time . Testing the waters when I 'm already taken has never been my style . However , once that night had ended , and I climbed into my bed , I knew I had some thinking to do . I would be speaking to Seth the next day , and quite possibly for the last time . After I watched Cory 's car disappear for the final time , I didn 't just break ; I self - destructed . I cried myself to sleep nearly every night and lost my inspiration in all things . It was around the first time I started to inflict physical harm on myself . I didn 't know if it was as a result from losing Cory , or if it was simply a combination of the depression I 'd been trying to keep at bay . I no longer cared about the reason ; it just gave me a different kind of pain to focus on . I got involved with someone new half a year later , eager to feel loved by someone ; anyone . I found a pretty - boy named Michael who seemed to be almost as deluded as I was . He won me over with good looks and pretty words , but my lack of confidence and numbness of self was very obvious . We were only together for a couple weeks , and it wasn 't long before he started taking advantage of it . I found myself hanging out with he and his friends all the time , to whom he would insist to grab my chest because I had to be ' felt to be believed . ' I didn 't let myself care . I just shrugged and went along with it . I would do anything to be accepted , and my body no longer meant much to me . Whatever I have to do to keep the loneliness away . No one ever did anything but feel me up , though . Still , I can 't say I 'm happy about letting anyone put their hands on me . He called me his ' angel ' and that was good enough for me . One day , he took me home with him and we watched a movie , and we even started cuddling . He and I kissed a little , but I wouldn 't even call it making - out . For a moment , I felt something more than slight attraction , but it was late and I my ride home was waiting outside . I said goodbye and went on my way . He started to mess with me . Some days , he would talk to me , others he would blatantly avoid me . I soon found out it was because he was getting involved with someone else . I couldn 't feel sadness anymore ; all I felt was a rising anger that only worsened every day he continued the games . I had started to overhear stories at school . Stories that said I had forced myself on him , that I had practically raped him , and that I was just some whore that would fuck pretty much anyone who told me their name . I wasn 't very popular to begin with , but this made me one of the most - hated people around at the time , and the friends I 'd had left stopped wanting to be around me . I found him waiting for his bus one day when everyone else had already gone home . Content I had him alone , I told him I never wanted to seem him again and that whatever we 'd had was done . I knew breaking up with him wouldn 't make my situation any better , but I just wanted to make sure he wouldn 't come back to toy with my emotions and lack of social life again . The next couple of months consisted of getting out of bed , going to school and wandering the city and graveyard until I could try to get home in time to intercept the automated call from the school saying I was absent . Sometimes it worked , sometimes it didn 't . I received many a stern lecture , but every word went through one ear and out the other . I didn 't want to have to hear it anymore . I didn 't want to hear the uttering threats and hateful names , knowing I had no one on my side who even cared whether or not the stories were true . If I was going to be the ' most - hated ' girl in school , I figured I should simply make myself scarce . People were not shy about saying my attendance was a waste of time and space . After a few months had passed , I started returning to school on - and - off , and the hate started to grow less obvious . Rather than threats and hateful words , I 'd simply suffer the occasional dirty look . I was completely numb . The only time I felt anything was when I was angry , or when I crumbled and started hunting for the razor blade again to steal away my focus . My break - up with Felix was hitting me harder than I thought it would . I had mistakenly allowed myself to get too attached , and to top it all off , I had essentially " broken - up " with the majority of my friends as a result . I decided to try jumping right into a different relationship , certain that my sadness would go away if I found someone else to focus my time and energy on ; I created an account on an online dating site . Not the smartest idea since I was still technically underage . I had a few responses , but only one really seemed to stand out . He was a 21 year - old named Cory . He seemed like a sweet , level - headed guy , but he lived an entire province away . That didn 't stop us from trying to meet , however . It wasn 't long before he made the decision to drive out to meet me . I counted down the days and agreed to meet him in the park one afternoon . When I arrived , he was waiting for me on the swing - set , and the first thing he said to me was , " saved you a seat ; you get the squeaky one . " I laughed as the tension faded and we began our first conversation we 'd ever had face - to - face . He was exactly what I 'd thought he 'd be . He only spent a few days there with me , but it was the most calm and relaxed I 'd been for a long time , so seeing him go was a particularly sad day , but we started texting each other constantly until he returned a couple months later . While he was here , we 'd dubbed the French Vanilla Iced Cappuccinos our personal drinks ; seriously , we couldn 't stop , it was unhealthy . Some couples have a song , some have a movie , we had a cold drink . That 's not weird , is it ? That was when we decided to get a little more serious . We spent the day in the townsite by the mountains , listening to music and exploring the shops before driving back to the city by sunset and going our separate ways at night . The next day , I 'd decided to join him in his hotel . I don 't recall much about the experience , but before too long , it was time for him to return home again . Knowing he 'd be back before too long , I was content with texting and calling until then . Once again , he visited me a few more months down the road . The first couple of days were fantastic . We 'd spent the second day at the movies , but for some reason , I found myself feeling a bit out of sorts . I was not as jovial as I usually was and I think he must have noticed ; I knew I was simply wishing he didn 't have to leave the next day . We came home to my house that night and cuddled up on the couch until the late - night . It was about two in the morning when a silence set over us . Before even a minute had passed , he spoke quietly . " I really like you … " It took me a moment to process the blunt remark and I moved away from him in hurt confusion . He explained that he enjoyed being with me , but just didn 't think I was ' the one for him . ' While I understood , I can 't say the feeling was mutual . I held back my tears as much as I could and suggested he sleep in the guest bedroom while I slept in mine upstairs . He agreed and the moment he was out of the room , the tears came . I cried quietly , hoping no one would hear . I managed to achieve scattered sleep before morning came . He had wanted to be awake by a certain time , so as I usually did , I walked down the stairs to wake him . He seemed to have forgotten our conversation when he had just woken up and started to pull me down to cuddle with him , but when I gently pushed away and stood for a moment in awkward silence , it seemed that he remembered what had happened . I met him upstairs , thinking he would want to be on his way , but he lingered between conversation and watching tv with me until sunset . The wait felt like torture , but a part of me was happy because I still got to spend a little more time with him there . I helped him bring his bags out to his car . As we loaded the final piece into the back , we looked at each other and he took a step towards me so he was close as I dropped my chin to cover my face with my hair , hoping he wouldn 't see my eyes welling up with tears . He lifted my chin and apologized for hurting me . I said nothing , and simply nodded . He pulled me close and we shared one more long kiss before he drove away into the light of dusk . I watched until his car turned around the corner for the final time and returned to my home to finally let myself break . |
Thomas wasted no time ; the next morning , he called and we set a day to meet . I counted down the days , and when the day arrived , my stomach was in knots . I tried on nearly every outfit I owned , changed my hair and makeup three times , and I may have gone through an entire pack of gum before my phone buzzed and he 'd arrived . I found myself rolling my eyes at my frazzled nerves ; I hadn 't felt this frazzled over a guy since elementary school . I took a deep breath to try and calm the butterflies and walked out to his car . It had to be one of the brightest and sunniest summer days of my life . As we drove to the theatre , I sat back and enjoyed the moment . The windows were down , the sun was radiant , and for the first time since our fort night , the moment just felt right . After the movie , we headed over to a nearby Italian restaraunt , but as we took a seat , I grew even more nervous . The draw to the movie theatre is it is a date location that doesn 't involve a lot of actual interaction . At a restaraunt , you don 't really have anything to take the focus away from you , making the vulnerability much harder to ignore . At first , I was a bit quiet , but before we knew it , we were talking and laughing away , not realizing it was time for the restaraunt to close . He paid the bill and we walked out to his car . Along the way , he asked , " well , now what ? " I sighed and thought for a moment . I certainly didn 't want the night to end , but I also didn 't want to come across as clingy ; which is no easy feat , I 'll have you know . I 'm notorious for my tendancy to cling . He brought up the idea of ice cream , suggesting we pull up to the airport runway viewing area to watch the planes come in and take off . I agreed and before we knew it , we were taking in the sights of the airport in his car . Talking back and forth , I started to learn how passionate he was about aviation and his work in the industry . It was nice to be around someone who still had dreams careerwise . Most men I had dated seemed nearly devoid of those aspirations ; this one was in a word , refreshing . " So , I have a question for you … " he lead . I knew what he was going to ask , and by the little grin on his face , I could tell he knew the answer already . He asked if we could go steady . Of course , I was already smitten . The car had gone quiet again as I remained in my seat blushing like a starstruck idiot . He nuzzled his head against my arm for a moment and motioned me over to cuddle up to his side . It didn 't take much convincing . I stopped and looked up at him and we leaned in and shared our first kiss . I immediately felt a rush of warmth flow through my veins and the kiss deepened . Before I knew it , the car 's windows had fogged up and it was getting quite late . We both chuckled at the situation as he started his car to take me home . He realized we needed to wait for the car 's ventilation to clear up the windows . I felt a weakness in my knees and a warmth in my chest that painted a nearly permanent smile on my face . I didn 't know what life had in store for us , but I was eager to find out . For the first time in years , this felt right . I awoke to my friend lightly tapping my shoulder . As I opened my eyes , crusty with last night 's mascara , I sat up and held my head in my hands . Wonderful . My first hangover . " What time is it ? " I asked her . She told me it was two in the afternoon and that we 'd all slept in longer than intended . Instinctively , I turned my gaze to the empty couch where Thomas had been . Before I could ask , she told me he 'd left for work hours before anyone was even awake . I nodded , but felt a tinge of disappointment . " Well , you were doing great until that tequila sunk in . Then you and I decided to go dancing outside in the snow and you kind of fell into … well , everything . The tree , the table , the fence , the fireplace , the barbecue , which is where you wound up with that battlescar there , " she explained as she motioned to my arm . I lowered the can to see what she meant and sure enough , there was a cut straight down the side of my forearm . I felt no pain , but it sure looked awful . " Geez ; I can 't believe I got that out of control … " I murmured . I took my first sip of the ginger ale and crinkled my nose at the taste . " Why do I taste vomit ? " " Well , that 's kinda how you wound up on the loveseat . The rest of us were pretty much gone , but Thomas was still basically sober . You started to get sick and he looked after you for the rest of the time , " she explained with a laugh . I buried my face in my hands . " So you mean to tell me I danced around , fell into everything and essentially passed out in a pool of my own vomit and had Thomas drag my drunken arse into the loveseat ? " I asked . My friend nodded , " yep . " I sighed in shame . Well , I 'm never gonna be able to show my face around him again . My friend offered me a ride home and I decided to accept ; I was in no condition to take the bus at this point . " Before we go , could you do me a favour and get me his number ? I need to apologize for yesterday ; it 's only fair . I owe him baked goods , " I stated as I removed the blankets from over my shoulders . My friend looked at me with amusement and said , " you don 't bake . " A few weeks later , Aaron and I had further lost our fire . I found myself going through the motions as I began to wish for him to just say or do something awful so I wouldn 't feel so terrible about how I felt towards him . To make it worse , I often found myself wondering how Thomas was doing . One afternoon , my mother and I were watching television with lunch when I heard a car door shut from outside the house . I glanced out the window to see one of my friends from the party making his way up the walkway . I was pleasantly surprised and started to rise to go grab the door when I saw Thomas appear around the corner , following him over . In a panic , I scrambled to the stairs . " Where are you going ? You 've got company , " my mother stated , confused at my sudden outburst . As I fled into my room , I shouted my reply , " don 't let them in ! I 'm not pretty yet ! " I quickly changed just as I heard the knocking at the door and came downstairs to meet them . We 'd spent the day watching anime and relaxing together at my friend 's house . I found myself rather nervous around Thomas , wishing the butterflies would cease . Whenever he looked at me , I would find it difficult to take my eyes away from his . Dammit . Why did they have to be blue ? Weeks later , my friends and I had decided to see another movie , and end it on a ' fort night . ' We planned to make a blanket fort in their house , eat snacks , watch movies , and basically have an old - fashioned sleepover . That morning , I baked a batch of double - chocolate cupcakes for everyone , but mainly for Thomas . I suppose I 'm nothing if not a woman of my word . After we had finished the movie , my friends purposely filled their truck with junk so I 'd have to go with Thomas . The drive from the theatre was a fair ways away , and my friends knew very well that he had often been on my mind . Worse yet , they understood my numbness to Aaron . While the drive was somewhat awkward , we filled the silence with small - talk and idle banter , but I remember feeling that sitting beside him in the passenger seat of his car just felt right somehow . We held the fort - night as we 'd planned , finished off the cupcakes , and as the night came to a close , all four of us had fallen asleep side - by - side in our separate blankets . Thomas was right beside me and I recall having the happiest sleep I 'd had in months . All too soon , dawn had come and I had to return home . However , after having spent that time with Thomas , I had started to realize the feelings I was developing for him were unlike anything I had felt in any relationship I 'd been in . It felt as though I were in second grade again . I found myself believing in the possibility of love again , and whenever I thought of him , nothing else mattered . Somehow , though I trusted no one else , I felt I could place my trust in him . I felt I could give him the benefit of the doubt . I felt that one day I could even give him my heart if he would have me . I knew what I needed to do . I felt as though I had finally found the person each failed relationship was leading me to . Something inside me said that I was born for him . I decided it was time to break it off with Aaron . I met Aaron at his house and sat him down to talk , but as I continued my lead - up to the difficult part of the conversation , he pulled me into his arms , pleading that I don 't continue . Knowing his pain was nearly unbearable , I teared up as I finished my thought . I had told him we needed to end it and that I wasn 't the person he was meant to be with , but he broke in front of me . I had never seen him so distressed and afraid . I had never seen someone wish so badly for me to stay . I broke down and took back what I 'd said , terrified that if I left then and there that he would do something drastic in his pain . I returned home , kicking myself for giving in as I 'd done . I sighed and put the idea out of my mind ; my friends , Thomas and I were going on a day trip to the mountains the next day , so at least I had that to look forward to . When I met my friends the next morning , one of them asked me how my conversation with Aaron went . I sighed and told her what had happened , ashamed to admit that I 'd let myself crack . The day continued as we walked the townsite , I noticed Thomas seemed a bit more gruff than I was used to seeing him . I pulled my friend aside and asked her if he was alright when she 'd told me , " I think he was planning on asking you out today , but since you 're still with Aaron , I think he 's a bit disappointed . " Mentally , I kicked myself for messing up what could have been the perfect setting for the beginning of a relationship . I decided to enjoy the day , regardless . We all had lunch on the patio , tossed the football around , enjoyed the sunlight , and delicious food before heading back as the sun set over the mountains . From our friends ' home , Thomas dropped me off at my house and I resigned myself to my decision to end things with Aaron once and for all . That night , I asked Aaron to walk with me . Forcing my blood to go cold , I told him cracking was my mistake and that staying in the relationship would only make things worse . He was still broken , but I made my way home before he could try to talk me out of it . My decision was made , and the sooner I had it done , the sooner we could leave it behind us . I knew Thomas was the next page in my story , and every bone in my body told me the chapters ahead would not be easy ; but they would have one thing the previous chapters lacked . I stepped away from dating after Seth , but the pain lingered for much longer than I 'd like to admit . Whenever a man came along that I found myself liking , I would pull away out of distrust . I even started pulling away from my own friends and family . Regardless of who it was , I found myself questioning everything people did or said around me . Internally , I was in a rage , but on the outside , I simply seemed as though I couldn 't be phased by anyone . It was well over a year before I happened across an old acquaintance from junior high named Aaron . I didn 't know him very well at the time , but we found ourselves talking often , becoming good friends in the passing months . I decided I would invite him to the summer festival that was being held in the city . We met up at the bus stop one beautiful day and started the night as friends ; I did not suspect we would leave as lovers . When we arrived , the crowds were already bustling . We spent the day walking around , talking , going on rides ; he 'd even won me a little Pikachu toy in one of the games . We 'd stayed there until late into the night before we 'd decided to find our way back to our area . We lived close to each other , so we found ourselves sitting on the grass waiting for the worst of the crowds to clear before catching the last train of the night . It was there he admitted he wanted to be more than friends . At the time , I felt conflict . I was uncertain of whether or not to allow myself to try again , fearing that I would only wind up looking like a fool in the end . As the day had passed , I decided I did not fancy the idea of swearing off dating forever ; and if I were to have a chance with someone , surely a man that was a close friend beforehand would be as good a risk as any . He walked me home that night and after brief seconds of somewhat awkward silence , we shared a kiss before he started making his way back to his house . He was a good man to be with , and capable of making me laugh , but the whisper - quiet nagging in the back of my consciousness grew louder once more after we had been dating for about a year . When he had told me he loved me , and I said I 'd returned those feelings , I desperately wanted to believe it was true , but my heart was still closed off . Despite our chemistry , I was unable to shake my growing distrust in him . While I never had solid proof of the fact , I had suspected he was in love with a woman he worked with . I never pried ; I knew I didn 't want to know either way . As each month passed , I started to realize where I stood . It was a difficult pill to swallow , but I knew I had accepted him out of fear of loneliness , thinking I ought to be with someone who loved me , even if I could not return that affection . I was angry with myself for only realizing it so far into the relationship , and as I pondered how to bring it up , I did not know where to start . Whenever I thought I was about to bring up the subject , the selfish fear of loneliness crept back into my view . So you 'll leave a man who loves you ; would you rather have nothing ? One night , I was invited out to a friend 's birthday party . As we gathered at the theatre , my friends mentioned we were waiting on one more person to join us ; his name was Thomas . As fate would have it , I was somewhat familiar with our final guest , having been aware of him in high school . Though we 'd never spoken , something about him had stood out subtly in my mind . It had been a few years , and I 'd long since forgotten my curiosity . As our attention turned to the entrance , we spotted him making his way through the doors . We called out to him and I waved him over , surprised that I was happy to see him . I 'd hardly ever met him , really . I shrugged off the thought and we piled into the theatre . I was sitting between Aaron and my friend , but we 'd spent the movie in silence . As the credits rolled , we waited for the crowds to pile out of the theatre before we hopped into the cars and made our way to Aaron 's house . The party would continue at my friend 's place , but he had to work the next day . We bid farewell and I hopped into the car with the others , feeling the tension disappear . When we 'd arrived , Thomas and I sat quietly on the couch as our friends started to crack out the liquor . I 'd only been drunk twice in my life , and was not generally a fan of alcohol , but I recall feeling butterflies in my stomach that I had not felt since second grade as I glanced at Thomas . I remember thinking , " was he always this tall ? " As my friends handed me my first drink , I shook off the thought and as we pulled out the beer pong table , I decided to up the ante ; by playing with a bottle of raspberry vodka . I was doing alright until my friend decided to see how I handled my tequila . Sometime late in the night , I 'd opened my eyes to the darkness of my friends ' living room . I was lying on the loveseat with a blanket over my body . In the darkness , I saw a shape on the nearby couch . When I realized the shape was snoring , I knew it was Thomas . In my groggy , half - asleep state , I recall feeling a sense of warmth at the knowledge that he was nearby and slipped back into sleep with a smile on my lips . I managed to get a hold of Seth and made my way over to his house , contemplating what I was going to say . When I arrived , he greeted me with a hug and leaned in for a kiss , but I turned my cheek instinctively and asked him to take a seat . I could almost see his heart drop and explained to him how I had been feeling , telling him I thought it best if we end the relationship before things got worse . To his credit , he took it very well and handled it maturely . I collected my things and we hugged . I knew he was fighting back the tears , so I thought it best to leave so he could let out his emotions ; I knew he wouldn 't want to do so in front of me , especially not now . I walked out the door and returned home , feeling a surprising sense of relief . It almost felt as though I had been holding my breath for a long stretch of time , and had finally allowed myself to exhale . The air felt cleaner , the sun shone brighter , and I knew I had done the right thing . After a few weeks , I got in touch with Ryder . We 'd decided to catch a movie one night and I recall being nervous the entire time . We ended the night on a simple kiss before I made my way home , giddy and eager to see him again . One day , I decided to go hang out with him at his place . We spent the time watching movies and as one thing lead to another , we wound up sleeping together . He had to work early the next morning , so we drove to the area of his shop and went our separate ways . I remember practically dancing home . We hung out more often and I 'd learned more about he and his career . I had also learned that he had a son whom he often saw . While that fact surprised me , I didn 't care ; I was falling for him hard and fast , and was ready and willing to accept anything at that point if it meant he 'd want me . I knew he was still hung up over the mother of his child , but I was willing to work through any scars he had . Before too long , however , he started to do things that seemed all too familiar . He was less talkative , unavailable more often , and he started to do and say things that would throw me off . For example , he once described me as the ' expendable red - shirt ' in his circle . That struck me like a dagger through the heart , but I laughed it off as a joke . I started to notice a trend . Whenever I would strike up a conversation or try to say hello to him , my messages would be ignored . Then weeks later , he would call me , asking if I wanted to hang out . I was just happy to hear from him at all , so of course , I obliged , but I started to learn that he was only calling me when no one else was answering , or when he felt lonely . Regardless , I still wanted to be around him whenever I could . I can clearly recall the last night we 'd spent together . The next morning , he dropped me off at the nearest train station , but he didn 't drive off while I walked away . Then I remember passing by an alternative girl with bright pink hair . I had a feeling in my stomach when I passed her and waited inside the station to where the glass windows overlooked the lot . As I suspected , I watched her climb into the passenger seat of his car , and he drove away . The numbness started to show it 's ugly head once more as I took the long trip home , uncertain of where to go from there . I stopped attempting to get in touch as much , but like an obedient little puppy , I would always answer when he called and show up when he requested . To this day , I shake my head at the memory . I knew I had meant next to nothing to him , but anytime he told me he was sad or lonely , I was right by his side with what may as well have been the snap of his fingers . So desperate to impress him and to show him how much I cared , I knew I would do anything he asked if it meant he would smile even if only for a moment ; and even though I could feel myself die a little every time I heard his name or saw his face , I would keep up the charade for nearly a year before he 'd drawn the final straw . It was New Year 's Eve , and I had planned to invite a few people over to have dinner , then head out to see the fireworks . More than anything , I was crossing my fingers for Ryder to show , but to my dismay , no one showed up at all . I 'd spent the countdown alone , having thrown or put away most of the food I 'd prepared and finished the bottle of wine on my own as I let my desire for sleep take me . The next day , he texted me and asked how my evening was . Unwilling to tell him how I felt , I simply said it was quiet and uneventful . Still , he must have known I was hurting , so he invited me out to run errands with him . When the time came to decide whether I would go home with him or otherwise , he decided to drop me off at the bus stop in the downtown core . It wasn 't quite midnight yet , so I knew I would still be able to catch the last bus . As he drove away , I put my earbuds in my ears and let the sadness hit me again . To my surprise , a couple minutes later , I felt someone tug at my handbag . I turned to see a man in a brown hoodie trying to pry my purse from me . When he realized I wasn 't letting go , he stepped in and delivered a swift punch to my rib - cage . In a pained panic , I reached out with the palm of my hand and pushed up on his nose with a swift thrust , knocking him to the ground as I started to run to the next bus stop . I managed to flag down the bus and got on , managing to escape and return home somewhat safely . I didn 't even call the police to report anything . I simply checked my bruises to make sure they weren 't too serious , curled up , and went to bed . As the days passed , I started to let the pain really sink in . I began to understand that Ryder would never love me , regardless of my actions . I sent him a message , essentially saying farewell , and turned my back on him as I knew I should have done nearly a year ago . I felt no relief . Only sadness . I felt that through the course of his influence , I had lost so much of myself and despite the fact that I had ' left ' him , I still wanted him near me . Due to my habit of skipping classes and not showing up to school , when graduation crept near , I decided to stay back one more year to tie up my academic loose ends . By the time my Grade 13 year began , the rumours had become old news and people started focusing on other things . I knew I didn 't want to bother dating for some time , so I decided to simply do my own thing , hoping this year would pass quickly so I could finally leave behind all the bad memories and move on with my life . I had started to reach out and reconnect with some old friends . As fate would have it , my first boyfriend ( Seth ) started contacting me with casual conversations . I knew my feelings for him hadn 't gone away , but the pain had long died down . Conversation turned to coffee , then coffee turned into a lunch date . Before we knew it , we were in a relationship again . I was slightly concerned about the whole thing when it all started ; after all , I remember how horrible I felt the last time we parted . I knew I had grown much over the years , however . As time passed , our relationship built and we even lived together for about a year . Granted , the circumstances as to why I moved in with him weren 't the greatest . When you 're at that age and living with your parents , personalities have a tendency to clash . So I figured , " I 'll move in with my boyfriend ; whom you despise , by the way . That 'll show ya . " All things considered , our relationship was going well ; I may even say it was thriving . The distance did my family and I some good as my relationship with them began to grow much less toxic . However , over two years of being with Seth began to wear on my nerves . I don 't know what changed , but it seemed as though suddenly , everything he did just made me cringe . I tried to shrug it off and pretend I was just in a weird state of mind ; surely it would pass . The leaves changed , the weather began to grow colder , and I found myself growing distant . We started to get into more arguments , and I found myself feeling physically sick whenever he touched me or held me . I started to go for late - night walks just to get away . In retrospect , I couldn 't imagine how confusing my behaviour must have been for him at the time . I decided to take on a seasonal job working at a Halloween festival in the city , hoping it would get my mind off of my relationship . That job turned out to be one of the best times I could recall from my teen years . I was just a games attendant , but the people there were so much fun to work with . I found myself genuinely smiling while I was there . Especially when I was matched up to work with Ryder . He was an odd duck , that 's for sure ; but his eccentric nature and devilish grin had piqued my curiosity . I looked forward to working with him every weekend , and before I knew it , I was hooked . It was an unfortunate situation ; every time Seth spoke to me , I found myself rolling my eyes and wishing for silence . The dynamic when I was working with Ryder was so drastically different that I found myself wanting to be around him as much as I could . Despite these feelings , I kept my distance . I had started staying at my parents ' again from time to time just to get some decent sleep . By the time the final day of the festival had come and gone , I collected my things from the booth I was stationed at and recall feeling a sense of panic when my coworker / friend at the time decided she would run over and tell him I wanted to , how she so eloquently put it ; " have his mouth - babies . " I wasn 't sure what that meant , but before I could grab her or flag her down , she 'd already run up to him and was tugging his sleeve . I remember feeling hot head - to - toe , and feeling unsure of whether or not I should stay and wait for the rejection or simply leave then and there so I wouldn 't have to see . My legs seemed to have decided for me as they cemented to the ground . To my surprise , after a quick exchange of words , Ryder looked over to me , smiled brightly , looked back at my friend and did a little hop of joy before she ran back to join me . Well , you forget ; I was still in a relationship with Seth at the time . Testing the waters when I 'm already taken has never been my style . However , once that night had ended , and I climbed into my bed , I knew I had some thinking to do . I would be speaking to Seth the next day , and quite possibly for the last time . After I watched Cory 's car disappear for the final time , I didn 't just break ; I self - destructed . I cried myself to sleep nearly every night and lost my inspiration in all things . It was around the first time I started to inflict physical harm on myself . I didn 't know if it was as a result from losing Cory , or if it was simply a combination of the depression I 'd been trying to keep at bay . I no longer cared about the reason ; it just gave me a different kind of pain to focus on . I got involved with someone new half a year later , eager to feel loved by someone ; anyone . I found a pretty - boy named Michael who seemed to be almost as deluded as I was . He won me over with good looks and pretty words , but my lack of confidence and numbness of self was very obvious . We were only together for a couple weeks , and it wasn 't long before he started taking advantage of it . I found myself hanging out with he and his friends all the time , to whom he would insist to grab my chest because I had to be ' felt to be believed . ' I didn 't let myself care . I just shrugged and went along with it . I would do anything to be accepted , and my body no longer meant much to me . Whatever I have to do to keep the loneliness away . No one ever did anything but feel me up , though . Still , I can 't say I 'm happy about letting anyone put their hands on me . He called me his ' angel ' and that was good enough for me . One day , he took me home with him and we watched a movie , and we even started cuddling . He and I kissed a little , but I wouldn 't even call it making - out . For a moment , I felt something more than slight attraction , but it was late and I my ride home was waiting outside . I said goodbye and went on my way . He started to mess with me . Some days , he would talk to me , others he would blatantly avoid me . I soon found out it was because he was getting involved with someone else . I couldn 't feel sadness anymore ; all I felt was a rising anger that only worsened every day he continued the games . I had started to overhear stories at school . Stories that said I had forced myself on him , that I had practically raped him , and that I was just some whore that would fuck pretty much anyone who told me their name . I wasn 't very popular to begin with , but this made me one of the most - hated people around at the time , and the friends I 'd had left stopped wanting to be around me . I found him waiting for his bus one day when everyone else had already gone home . Content I had him alone , I told him I never wanted to seem him again and that whatever we 'd had was done . I knew breaking up with him wouldn 't make my situation any better , but I just wanted to make sure he wouldn 't come back to toy with my emotions and lack of social life again . The next couple of months consisted of getting out of bed , going to school and wandering the city and graveyard until I could try to get home in time to intercept the automated call from the school saying I was absent . Sometimes it worked , sometimes it didn 't . I received many a stern lecture , but every word went through one ear and out the other . I didn 't want to have to hear it anymore . I didn 't want to hear the uttering threats and hateful names , knowing I had no one on my side who even cared whether or not the stories were true . If I was going to be the ' most - hated ' girl in school , I figured I should simply make myself scarce . People were not shy about saying my attendance was a waste of time and space . After a few months had passed , I started returning to school on - and - off , and the hate started to grow less obvious . Rather than threats and hateful words , I 'd simply suffer the occasional dirty look . I was completely numb . The only time I felt anything was when I was angry , or when I crumbled and started hunting for the razor blade again to steal away my focus . My break - up with Felix was hitting me harder than I thought it would . I had mistakenly allowed myself to get too attached , and to top it all off , I had essentially " broken - up " with the majority of my friends as a result . I decided to try jumping right into a different relationship , certain that my sadness would go away if I found someone else to focus my time and energy on ; I created an account on an online dating site . Not the smartest idea since I was still technically underage . I had a few responses , but only one really seemed to stand out . He was a 21 year - old named Cory . He seemed like a sweet , level - headed guy , but he lived an entire province away . That didn 't stop us from trying to meet , however . It wasn 't long before he made the decision to drive out to meet me . I counted down the days and agreed to meet him in the park one afternoon . When I arrived , he was waiting for me on the swing - set , and the first thing he said to me was , " saved you a seat ; you get the squeaky one . " I laughed as the tension faded and we began our first conversation we 'd ever had face - to - face . He was exactly what I 'd thought he 'd be . He only spent a few days there with me , but it was the most calm and relaxed I 'd been for a long time , so seeing him go was a particularly sad day , but we started texting each other constantly until he returned a couple months later . While he was here , we 'd dubbed the French Vanilla Iced Cappuccinos our personal drinks ; seriously , we couldn 't stop , it was unhealthy . Some couples have a song , some have a movie , we had a cold drink . That 's not weird , is it ? That was when we decided to get a little more serious . We spent the day in the townsite by the mountains , listening to music and exploring the shops before driving back to the city by sunset and going our separate ways at night . The next day , I 'd decided to join him in his hotel . I don 't recall much about the experience , but before too long , it was time for him to return home again . Knowing he 'd be back before too long , I was content with texting and calling until then . Once again , he visited me a few more months down the road . The first couple of days were fantastic . We 'd spent the second day at the movies , but for some reason , I found myself feeling a bit out of sorts . I was not as jovial as I usually was and I think he must have noticed ; I knew I was simply wishing he didn 't have to leave the next day . We came home to my house that night and cuddled up on the couch until the late - night . It was about two in the morning when a silence set over us . Before even a minute had passed , he spoke quietly . " I really like you … " It took me a moment to process the blunt remark and I moved away from him in hurt confusion . He explained that he enjoyed being with me , but just didn 't think I was ' the one for him . ' While I understood , I can 't say the feeling was mutual . I held back my tears as much as I could and suggested he sleep in the guest bedroom while I slept in mine upstairs . He agreed and the moment he was out of the room , the tears came . I cried quietly , hoping no one would hear . I managed to achieve scattered sleep before morning came . He had wanted to be awake by a certain time , so as I usually did , I walked down the stairs to wake him . He seemed to have forgotten our conversation when he had just woken up and started to pull me down to cuddle with him , but when I gently pushed away and stood for a moment in awkward silence , it seemed that he remembered what had happened . I met him upstairs , thinking he would want to be on his way , but he lingered between conversation and watching tv with me until sunset . The wait felt like torture , but a part of me was happy because I still got to spend a little more time with him there . I helped him bring his bags out to his car . As we loaded the final piece into the back , we looked at each other and he took a step towards me so he was close as I dropped my chin to cover my face with my hair , hoping he wouldn 't see my eyes welling up with tears . He lifted my chin and apologized for hurting me . I said nothing , and simply nodded . He pulled me close and we shared one more long kiss before he drove away into the light of dusk . I watched until his car turned around the corner for the final time and returned to my home to finally let myself break . |
jenny Not Jacksons Anymore Posted on June 29 , 2012 It was morning . I was sitting by the window in Jacko 's room . I had slept in his room yesterday , and this time I hadn 't had to ask . I was thinking about yesterday . I laughed . God , really what had I dreamt up last night ? ! Twice I had woken up in the dark , with sweat on my brow and fear in my body . Like fever , I had been hot and afraid … afraid that I had dropped a glass jar on daddy 's head . And something about a knife ? Geez , was I getting cocky or what ! When I woke up an hour ago , Jacko wasn 't in the room . He wasn 't in the bath , and he wasn 't sleeping . Wherever he had gone , he had locked me in . " Have been acting crazy to him too haven 't you , Jenny Hurricane Jackson ? " I laughed again . Something 's got to be wrong with my head . I felt like laughing so much . ' Hurricane ' reminded me of mommy . Oh yeah , where was she ? I mean , cool as she is , even she should be getting me off to school now , right ? I distinctly remember it was Tuesday yesterday . My head started aching again . Wait - again ? Yeah … . yeah , I had this little ache in the night … yeah , I got up once with headache too . Oh boy ! Getting up thrice in the night and having nightmares ! That 's not like me ! There he was ! Jacko was coming down the road . Well that meant he wasn 't going to school too . That 's fun . He looked up . I waved . He didn 't wave back back but of course , he was just going to come in . Back it all came . The dark . The knife . The cries , the shouts , the fight . The hatred . The fear . Mommy falling down . Daddy with the knife . " It 's just like Cinderella . She has no family . She has a house but she has no family . And in the day she fights that Captain Kirk is really the hero of Start Trek but it 's all really a game . Because the evil stepmother will get to her . And it will all be over . " " Whoa ! That 's not quite how I remember Cinderella . Now you sit down there . I 'll go and get you a sandwich okay ? And we 'll talk about this fine ? Jenny ? " " You 're lying ! " I shouted . " That - that sprain - when you didn 't play the school game … it wasn 't because of daddy … " " Look here kiddo . I know you 're very shaken right now . And my face isn 't helping - I mean I probably look like the joker right now but … see … " Ballet Jackson Posted on June 25 , 2012 Updated on June 25 , 2012 " Oh shit . Oh shit . Oh shit . Oh shit … " I would have kept up with my chant had Jacko not thrown a pillow right into my face . " It 's not just any dress , Jacko Jackson , it 's my - ballet - show - dress . " I said in a very low whisper , because I was so scared and feared that if I said it even an iota louder , Mistress would hear me back in the dressing rooms and come charging into Jacko 's room and smack me so hard that I wouldn 't have a face to perform with after all . Then I wouldn 't have to perform but it wasn 't much consolation . Already I had missed evening practice yesterday . I wore the dress . I hid the tear with the only scarf I own - blue . I know sunflowers aren 't supposed to be blue but it was either that or a smack . I thought about my position on the way . Just how deep in shit was I . I had a tear in my dress and I was in the front row . I had missed the most important practice last evening thanks to Amelia who made me want to know / play cricket and I was not prepared for any changes that had been made . I had not called up anyone to ask because mommy had been on the phone and I couldn 't explain to her why I needed to talk to a friend so urgently because I couldn 't have her realise I had missed practice , even though it was her job to drop me off . I could only hope that Mistress had not noticed , though how she would overlook the fact that a front row dancer was missing a DAY before the ballet with no news , no message and no explanation - I didn 't understand . I guess she HAS noticed . Then I 'd better hide that tear at least . Mommy stopped at the school gate , told me to ' run along ' and she 'd be in the hall . But she wasn 't turning off the engine so I asked where she was going and she said , " Oh some urgent matter . But I 'll be there . " and roared off towards the market . " No , no , no , I am not helping you . You 're just bad news . And anyway , Mistress has put a mark on your name - she says anyone who sees you is to report you to her room IMMEDIATELY . I guess I should just - " " Oh nooo . She knows . Oh no , Alan please . You have got to help me ! Because if you take me to Mistress she will smack me and it will all be because of you ! " " Umm … can you cover me , huh ? " Since Alan was placed right next to me , it was a pretty good idea . Only Alan didn 't think so . " No . NO ! Bad idea , Jackson . I am NOT in this shit . " He shook his head and tried to get away but I used yesterday 's cricket practice and covered the entire corridor like it was a wicket . I followed him backstage . Okay , so I 'm on my own . At least I can find out if there are any changes to the setting . On the stage , behind the curtain , cardboard trees and clouds were set , a cardboard train was being moved in and everything was where I expected it . The costumes seemed alright . The lines were familiar - And that was all I noticed . Because I was whirled around and pulled by the scarf and I had to hold on else it would fall and show the dreadful tear . I looked up and it was Mistress . I looked further up and saw the frown . And so I prayed . " Jenny Jackson , Where . were . you . yesterday . " Mistress fumed as she shut the door of a classroom behind her . I hadn 't even realised we had entered one . It wasn 't okay but I couldn 't say anything else . Then Mistress looked at the scarf around my neck and I wrapped it tighter . See , I have a cold . I should probably tell you about the tear now . It 's not just a tear . It 's a canyon . It starts at the neck band , wedges off half the band , then comes down and rips the dress halfway down the back and the stitching comes out in a line in the front . It might not be just a tear . I honestly don 't know how I managed so much destruction . " WHAT ? ! YOU SKIPPED PRACTICE FOR A RUDDY GAME OF - CRICKET ? ! AND YOU - YOU HAD THE CHEEK TO LIE TO ME AND YOU TOREEE YOUR DRESS AND YOU DID IT BECAUSE OF CRICKET ? ! ! ! " And that was the end of my dancing days . Because Mistress kicked me out of the ballet , and I had to sit next to Mr . Matthew and watch the entire performance and I didn 't speak because Mr . Matthew wasn 't happy when Mistress told him why I was going to sit next to him and not perform . Mommy didn 't come to see my dance but I guess it was alright because it wasn 't my dance anymore . But the dance was great because Mistress went in , in place of me , and I heard someone say ' she was a swan ' . Weird compliment because she was being a sunflower really . Why didn 't she just give me another dress , I wondered , because she did manage something for herself after all . Mr . Matthew said it was to teach me a lesson . But I didn 't care about ballet that much so the lesson must be - A Jackson needs socks Posted on June 20 , 2012 This Saturday , I had a dance ' jig ' in school . Jacko said it was a jig . Mr . Matthew said , it was a ballet ; one where all the parents were to come and sit and see their kids dance . But I couldn 't understand how so many parents would fit in the hall and how all the students of all the grades would fit on the stage and if we won 't hurt each other when we moved , on which Mandy made a strange cooing sound . But Mr . Matthew said that all the grades had a day of their own . And Grade One had Saturday . That wasn 't the problem . I was doing pretty good . And even though I flopped a couple of times between the turns and twisted when we were to roll , Mistress put me in the first row , at the end though . Mistress was a new teacher in school . Like Mr . Matthew . I didn 't know her real name , but she just asked us to call her ' Mistress ' . Even Mr . Matthew calls her Miss M . So my dancing was going good . Even the costume fit well . I was a sunflower and the yellow suit they gave me was not too big . The only problem was that Mistress made us practice in socks . She said it was how it should be . And because of that , I had ruined the pair of cream socks that I had . Because of all the flopping and turning and twisting and rolling . And since there were still two more days of practice , I needed new ones urgently . Surprisingly , I had no ' stand - by 's in my sock drawer . Mommy shook her head and said ' uh - huh ' when she saw that . I tried Jacko 's but they were too big and the elastic fell loose . Mommy didn 't have any socks of her own , because she never wore shoes . On Wednesday , I had managed in the old ones that had worn out and though Mistress stared at them when I went on stage , she didn 't say anything . When I was going out she said , " Jenny Jackson ? " and i cut in before she could tell the whole Grade One about my socks , " New ones tomorrow Mistress . " and ran away . After the glory from the Thumb Gash Incident , I couldn 't afford a sting and ruin it all . It was hot outside . And that 's all there is to say about the whether . It was always hot outside . Except when it was winter , and then it was always cold . So it was hot outside and mommy had dressed up in her red pants and red stilettos and white sunhat and I had worn my blue pants . And off we went down to the market and there 's not much to say about that . Except that I kept skipping ahead and only knew mommy was behind because her heels clicked . There 's not much to say about the store we went in either . I couldn 't read the name , and there was nothing very special . Except it was cool inside , and I remember hoping it wasn 't as cool in winter . Mommy went and found the Kid 's Section and a man started following us and only went away when I stuck my tongue out really long and squinted my eyes . And when he went , he said this - ' Weird kid . Hot mom … but weird kid . Well , she 's got to find the stuff on her then . " And mommy went through the Kid 's Section and then went through it again , but she couldn 't find the socks and it was taking too much time . And then that man came up again , and asked , " May i help you ? " and then mommy smiled differently and touched her hair suddenly and said , " Ohh . Yes please . I seem to be very lost . " in a very thin voice . She bent down and I whispered in her quickly , " Mommy , this man was following us ! " and made my eyes really big . But mommy only said , " Was he ? " and smiled at the man and talked to him some more . I looked down at my socks and pulled and adjust here and there . They were alright . I wished mommy would just take them and we 'd go . But she was talking to the man a lot now and he was making big gestures with his hand and mommy was touching her hair a lot now . She was also leaning on one foot so her hips came out very round . " Mommy these are good . " I said and pulled at her . She finally looked at me , and said , " Oh - okay . " and the man didn 't leave us as we went to the billing counter and mommy paid up . I started pulling and jumping and groaning and mommy made a face and told the man , " This little one ! " and then she said " Goodbye . " We only just made it in time to the evening practice but I had new socks so it was fine . And I came back home and went to sleep real early . I didn 't play with Jacko much in the day , and I didn 't even see daddy the whole day . The only persons I seem to have met really were Grade One and Mistress and that man at the shop . The only persons mommy seems to have met really is the man at the shop too , because she went back to the store later because she said she 'd forgotten to buy her socks . And I wondered when she had bought shoes . Jacko has a funny habit . If he needs to make a quick visit to a room , say - go in , switch on the light , take what he wants , and switch the light off - he just can 't do it . He has no problem with shutting a light off . He just can 't switch it on . There is no reason behind it . He just can 't . Not that he 's lazy . You can tell him to run fifteen times to a shop and get a new thing every time , and irritate him at that , but he won 't get tired . And he could switch on lights . But when he was staying for long . Like , if he was going to sit for even ten minutes , he 'd happily switch the light on himself . Without any quirks . But if it was for less time , his hand would suddenly repulse from the switchboard , and his smile droop down . He tried many things . He tried finding his things in the dark , but often came out with the wrong thing , of similar shape / size / feel … and had to run back in so many times , he even tried a flashlight . But he kept dropping it . He tried asking me to go ahead of him and switch on the light … Like this one time when he came running to get a baseball bat , but stood fidgeting and frowning near the front entrance , waiting for me to get the light . And just as he saw the light shine on the barrister , off he fled up the stairs and threw himself at his bat and was ready to return . In fact , he had come so quick I hadn 't even moved away from the switchboard . As a result , both of us came down the stairs together . It was too much action . Finally , it was settled , much to the comfort of both of us , that these flying visits would be made solely by me . That is , he would tell me what to bring and I would get it . It wasn 't easy at first . I knew little of the layout of Jacko 's room , despite the amount of time I spent there . So he 'd tell me to get the Checker 's board , and I would take hours to find it , even when all his games I knew were supposed to be on the bottom shelf . Okay , not hours , his room isn 't that big , but that 's what he would groan and say . The price of which was , often , refusal to play anymore . So after I had finally found the board and brought it down , I had to go back up and keep it back . The deal wasn 't very nice any more . It was soon to be changed . It was Baseball day . Wednesday . All the most serious games of the neighborhood happened on Wednesday . Last Wednesday , Jacko had got a strike three . This Wednesday , he wasn 't playing . However much his team , or me , persuaded him , he just kept saying no . Why ? " I got work to do . I won 't come to play . " was all he kept saying . So they all finally left , and I followed Jacko to his room . Just what work did he have to do , I wanted to see . But Jacko didn 't do anything . He just picked up his book , and sat down reading it . He didn 't answer . So I went and checked his calender next to the window . He didn 't have any test coming . Why was he reading then ? " I 'm just asking because Fat Joe was coming to play at the other side today . You missed on a good game . " I said , very concerned . I coaxed . I pried . I snatched the book away . I was about to use the blaster ' Jacko - do - you - know - why - mummy - and - daddy - fight ' emotional blackmail , when finally , finally , Jacko said , " Oh get off it ! I don 't want to play Fat Joe . That 's why I didn 't go , okay ! " And he snatched the book back . " Oh God ! I 'm scared okay ! So STOP IT NOW ! ! ! " He burst out , stamped his foot on the bed ( which didn 't make much effect ) and stomped out of the room . " The units where the people actually come are independently set up through the country … this is just the HQ . Only employees visit here … that 's why I could bring you guys … " Daddy was saying . He wasn 't enthusiastic . He was just completing the tour . We got to the upper floor . Another hall of cubicles greeted us . But these were larger . There were wider alleys between each row , and the one in the center could have contained me , Jacko AND daddy if we stood next to each other . But we didn 't go inside . Daddy just showed us from the stairs . " The office at the far end is the boss of us all . " The ' COO ' or something he said . " The entire row in front of it is just his secretaries . " Jacko and I counted five cubicles . That meant five secretaries . People were calmer here , I noticed . No one was hurried . No one was shouting . And hardly anyone wore white . PInks and hot purples , and blues ! Oh , so many blues ! A red scarf , silver somewhere … It hardly looked like an office . " Some say they made this place just because he wanted to sit somewhere that was ' office ' . All the work gets done downstairs anyway . And it all depends on how much we guys sell , in the end . " We retraced our steps . And daddy had an idea . " You wait here a minute . I 'll be back . " And off he ran to the miniscule room , and we stood waiting . Daddy was walking proud again . I couldn 't stop from smiling . Jacko was looking up but that was all . The idea was spectacular . And we shouldn 't have judged daddy already . We were walking with our backs to the sun now , no daddy did not get any angel lining - but I knew better . My daddy was MY daddy . Even in human form . Daddy rung the bell at a small , dull house … I had never seen that part of town before . The houses were too small . " We call them the Weasies . They 're easy to sell to . The whole damn place is vulnerable ! " Daddy laughed and I didn 't understand anything . I looked at the small house . Daddy had once told me that to maintain an insurance some money had to be paid regularly . I wondered where the owners of that dinghy place would buy the insurance from , let alone pay the premium . " Hello Ma ' am . I 'm from Alpha Insurance . Could I have a few minutes of your time ? " Daddy smiled . I stared . When did he ever talk like that ? ! " We have this record back at Alpha Insurance . I understand that you live here with your husband - Bill Getz ? And you 're both above seventy ? Well , ma ' am , I saw those records today . And I must say … I am concerned for your safety . " The woman frowned . " I have a mother , Ma ' am . She 's about your age . I can 't begin to think how lost I 'll leave her if I - die before her . And then I saw your file . The horrors that could be in your life … should your husband … " I looked at Jacko . He was startled too . We had never heard daddy talk about granny before . Not since she had died two years ago . " Ma ' am , I 'll get to the point . I don 't like to see that people are in danger . That 's why I came here . I don 't want to thrust an insurance policy on you , but I just want to make sure you have the resources for any kind of situation . " " Ma ' am , though I hope it doesn 't happen … I wouldn 't trust the bank right now . Things are showing clear signs of a Depression and bank turnouts haven 't been near good for months . They might soon be outsourcing their branches . " The woman drew in breath quickly . A hand went up to the chest . " My ! Bill was saying the bank was getting funny businesses nowadays . They must be renting out ! " " Now , I must suggest some security for your family ma ' am . I mean , I look at these figures in the newspaper everyday … so many people jumping off rooftops , the accidents , the helplessness . And what with massive unemployment , and poverty and then the needs … I think you 're very deep in trouble . " Was she , I thought . I heard food cooking in the kitchen . Her house , though small , was comfortable . Pictures of her kids covered the walls . But then , what did I know ? Daddy must be right . " There 's another reason I came to you today , Ma ' am … Every time I think about it , it saddens me so much . I used to work at a store once . It wasn 't a big job , but we were happy . My wife would take of the kids and every evening I would come to my small flat and sit with my family . But then the stores closed downand suddenly we were poor . And then , my wife . . my wife , died of asthma . I couldn 't do anything . I just … I wished I had a policy or something because then it would have been so easy for her to be alive … " " Hey . What are you guys angry about ? If the folks are stupid enough to listen to some sob story and be influenced , I 'm gonna do my business ! " Daddy laughed . " No … that 's just my style . And it 's different with those up - street houses . There you got to talk all about money and management and more money . Half the Life insurance sells because the family will get more money after the father 's death … " That was all we had to say . Daddy was … clever . But somehow , I didn 't like insurance much . And I don 't think Jacko did too . For me , it meant Games Period at school . For Jacko , it was a break from homework . Mommy though , liked it because no pubs would open . I didn 't know why that mattered to her . We were back from school . Jacko was taking a bath , I was playing with the snow - globe . Mr . Matthew was taking awfully long to earn it , I had realised . It was the middle of day . I didn 't expect daddy to come home then . But in he came , at 2 : 46 , five hours before his scheduled release at the company . I was delighted . But for some weird reason , nobody else seemed to be . " Honey , I 'm hooome . " He sang out from the door . There was no response . I ran out and jumped into his arms , " Daddy ! You 're home early ! " " Yeah … The company gave me an early release today . They have been doing it for some time now . Funny people . Always complaining of a short staff and then giving these breaks and off - days so often . " " I got this break . I might just show you guys around . Probably sell some in front of you - let you see daddy at the job , eh ? " I didn 't wait for his response and ran down to my own room , and checked myself in the mirror . I got to look neat . Must not set off daddy 's boss . I pulled up my socks , stuffed my shirt in proper in the dungarees , ran my hands through my hair . My hair never really needed tending , they always just fell down to my chin and rarely ever were even tousled . I was ready . I ran back to Jacko 's room , and cried , " Jacko ! Don 't get us late ! Daddy 's only just got a limited break ! " " Okay great . Come down when you 're done . " As I passed his door , I heard him draw breath in quickly . Jacko acted strange sometimes . But I liked it . It was hot . But daddy was shielding us from the sun . With all the direct sunlight he was blocking , they also formed a thin golden outline around his frame . A dark mass with a golden lining … like an angel . That 's what daddy was for me , right then . Jacko missed all of that . He looked sideways or down constantly , and wouldn 't listen when I told him to look at daddy . I gave up soon . He must be nervous . I zipped up . As still as Jacko . Like robots , we followed daddy inside the wide , white building . The man at the gate knew daddy . " Hey Tom ! Ain 't you got a break just now ? " It was a marvel . Daddy 's office was a better , bigger , and white - r version of our school 's Teachers ' Room . I loved it . Daddy worked at the insurance company . He went to the office every morning to collect his office material and then out in the city , to sell some insurance . He told me that a month ago , when I had to write a page on ' My dad ' as homework . " This is where the desk - guys sit . See , not more than five will be up from their chairs at the same time , but it seems like the whole HALL is buzzing with movement . That 's because of the files and papers and phones . Hell , this floor itself employs six peons ! " Daddy whispered to us . As we passed through the mesh of cubicles , hardly anyone looked up to see the two kids walking past . In the center of the room however , a tall , pot - bellied man stood idly , and watched everyone with squinted eyes . And when daddy reached close , he turned those squinted eyes to us . To me . When we were some distance away , Daddy explained . " Terry Fisherman . He 's head of them desk - guys . Doesn 't do much . Just stands and signs papers and things . " I wondered if one of those ' things ' was to scare his department to work . At the end of the hall , was a glass division . On the other side of the glass wall hung long orange strips of plastic curtain , which was probably the only colour in the white hall . Somewhere in the glass must have been a door , and it 's handle which daddy pulled and we went inside . And then we stopped . In a tiny one - room , on three sofas , sat about nine men , while seven stood and talked . Besides the glass wall , all three were coloured pale yellow . Some lockers lined one wall , not unlike our school lockers and that was about all the furnishing in the room . A better contrast with the White Hall could not have been possible . " Yeah - but none of us sit along much . We just drink coffee and report for meetings … we 're out all the time . " Daddy said . Jacko , I knew , was thinking the same thing . This wasn 't much fun . We wished daddy was a desk - guy . He would have had his own desk . Mommy tells me every day that I am a hurricane . Jacko has long declared me stupid . Daddy has not yet given me a name , but I 'm sure he will have one for me just as soon as he has the time to call me that . Bloody and fainting , I lay comfortably in Mandy Carter 's room . Next to Alison . And on top of us , stood a very frightened , and very pale Mandy . To call our parents , specially mine , would simply be The End . But NOT calling … would be confessing to guilt . Mandy was in a fix . Her brother got her out of it . They sat in the Carter drawing room , wondering the cause for this weird gathering . Upstairs , Mandy and her brother bit their nails and Mandy cried . I feel the need to mention here that Mandy 's brother , Kevin , is older than Jacko , but not once have I seen him treat Mandy out the way Jacko does me . Just mentioning . My hand is in a thick bandage , which is slipping off at quite some places , out of its right position , but I guess it 's just me tossing and turning in bed . I am feeling all right . Just a little sting at the base of my thumb , at the trough between the forefinger and thumb , like some wet thing burning the gash . Now I am frightened . Such an abrupt confrontation I am NOT prepared for . But then , I am not awake , right ! I shut my eyes again … And then I burst out . " I 'm sorry mommy , I am . I shouldn 't have played the game , I know . But I just didn 't want to say no to a dare and there was Alison and she was going to tell the whole school about it and Mandy is such a show - off and I couldn 't let her say I backed out . They would call me chicken and - " |
Yesterday when I was opening a can for the dog , I cut the top of my index finger . Ouch ! ! It was bleeding a lot . I almost thought I was going to need stitches . We put peroxide on it and bandaged it pretty good . I cleaned it again in the evening and it was still bleeding but only a little bit . So I put another band aid on . This morning it 's fine . Thank goodness , I would have hated to go to ER . I bought some raffle tickets there . They are raffling off some little decorated Christmas trees and wreaths on December 3rd . Each department made them . The raffle is for Alzheimer 's . This is the first year they did this and she said they 've gotten a good response . Hopefully , we might win something . I 'm decorating the tree slowly but surely . I 'll probably get it done today . After that I still have a few more things to get out and then I should be done . Did anyone go out yesterday for Black Friday ? I didn 't . I went one time when my son was younger . I went to Best Buy with my girlfriend to buy a video game . I think we went about 6 a . m . When we were standing in line I told her , I wasn 't going to fight somebody for a stupid game LOL . That was the first and last time I went . We didn 't get the tree up yesterday , wah ! ! Ron just wasn 't into it . He 's putting it up now . Usually he puts it up on Friday with the lights and I decorate in on Saturday . I don 't know when I will do it . Did you start putting up your decorations yet ? We had a really great time at my brother and sister - in - laws . Good food and good company . I hadn 't seen my sister - in - laws family for years . It was good to catch up with them . I was so stuffed . I ate more than usual ( not good for my weight ) . I think it had a lot to do with the fact that we didn 't have to cook it , just eat it . They didn 't want us to bring anything but my neighbor behind gave us a pumpkin roll . We left some here but took the majority of it there . My brother took mom 's dining room set so we were able to use that to eat at . Also , the buffet . Mom never really used it to put food on so it looked nice . I wouldn 't mind going there again next year ; 0 ) We got some leftover turkey which we will probably have tonight . We went to see Mom for a little bit yesterday morning before we went to my brother 's . Everyone was in the day room watching the Macy 's Thanksgiving Day parade . I asked her today did she have a good Thanksgiving meal . She said they had turkey , ham , sweet potatoes , corn , beets and pumpkin pie . I 'm pretty sure she was talking about lunch and supper but she said it was all good . I woke up at 5 : 30 a . m . this morning - I think because when we got home from my brother 's I laid down to watch Survivor . The next thing I knew it was 9 : 00 p . m . oh oh . This is what I saw ( I had to brighten it up a little bit ) when I opened the blinds this morning . about 6 a . m . Then about 7 : 30 a . m . I saw this . Although the first picture of the posts are a little dark , look at how much more snow is on them . I am thankful for my husband . He is such a good and thoughtful man . I am very blessed to have him in my life and I know it . I am thankful for my son . Even though he won 't be with us this year ( I 'll miss him a lot ) for Thanksgiving . I 'm happy that he 's having an adventure and living out of state . He was brave to do that and I know he 's going to learn so much . He really turned out to be a kind , compassionate guy ( although I will always call him my kid ) . I will be so excited to see him in January . I am thankful for my Mom . A few months ago I thought she might not be here . She is just thriving now . She is safe , healthy and happy . I am thankful for the Nursing Home . They are taking such good care of her . You worry when you choose a place for a parent to live . I know I picked a winner . I am thankful for that little picture on the top of this post . One year my husband got a recipe for stuffing , I typed it out and he had our son draw a picture of a turkey on it . I don 't remember how old he was . Every year I print it out and my husband uses it for the stuffing and I see that little turkey and it makes me smile . This year since he won 't be making it - I thought it would be apropos to still honor this little turkey by putting it in a post ; - ) . I 'm just so thankful that I saved it all these years . Happy Thanksgiving Everyone . Hope it 's a good one . See you all on Friday . I had a regular doctor 's appointment yesterday . It was mostly to check on my cholesterol . Since I started back on the cholesterol medicine on a regular basis , my cholesterol was excellent . I 'm on a low dose and he 's thinking of dropping it to 5mg . He probably would have written me a new script but I just ordered new pills . Remember when everything happened with Mom and I lost all that weight , well it 's back on . Plus , a couple of more pounds . I asked the doctor if it could be the anxiety medication . He said the medication could make you more hungry but if you eat a lot of junk food like a pig you just have to be more careful in what you eat . What a time to hear this just when the holidays are here . I finally learned how to put pictures on my blog and writing underneath . All this time when I put pictures on they were one right after another . I took the time to figure it out and I did it Ha ! ! A couple of weeks ago , I learned how to set up Mcklinky on one my posts . Even though I didn 't get any responses , I felt good that in the future I will know how to do it . I learn this every week it seems but I have to learn how to make it a habit . If I have to do something just do it and don 't put it off . Like my Christmas cards , it just took a couple of days when I put my mind to it . I 've never thought of myself as a procrastinator but from the things I posted it seems that I am LOL . For the new year , I think my catch phrase will be JUST DO IT . For more What I learned this week go to http : / / www . musingsofahousewife . com / 2009 / 11 / what - i - learned - this - week - 14 . html There 's one lady that when I think of her , she 's the " Hello Lady " to me . She is in a wheelchair and I think she must not be able to see . When she is sitting in the day room she is always saying hello , hello . Then there 's a man that always has a terrible cough . My mom says he 's a derelict and they let him stay upstairs for free but he comes down to her floor to eat and get toilet paper . I don 't know where she came up with that idea . He must live down the other hallway . Then there 's a woman when Mom first came there she sat in the dayroom with her . I couldn 't figure out why this woman was even there . She seemed to have her wits about her and she was able to walk unaided . Lately though when I 've seen her , I could tell her mind is failing and she seems confused . She has to wear a little band around her ankle so if she tries to walk through the double doors out of the wing an alarm sounds and they know and bring her back . Then there 's the young woman . I 'm not sure what her story is . She is in a wheelchair that you kinda sit and lay back in . My mom said she heard the woman is mentally challenged . I saw a show on cable about people that had brain trauma and I wonder if that 's what happened to her . That 's just a few of the people that are where Mom is . I really have to find out the people 's names . More observations in the future . I spent yesterday and today working on my Christmas cards . I found some labels from last year on my computer but there was one page missing . It was only about 10 labels so I made them . My cards are now done except for licking the envelopes , buying the stamps and putting them on . Looks like I will probably keep my record of having them done before Thanksgiving ; - ) This is mom 's / our pet Corky . He lives with us now . He was given to mom and dad from my brother as a Christmas present and is a pound dog . 9 years old Overall , he 's a great dog but kind of skiddish . He refuses to go into any other room of my house except the living room and dining room which is kind of good because he is a shedder that sheds throughout the year . He goes out of my house through the patio door . Today I spent about a half hour trying to get my new black cartridge to work . I took the little piece of yellow tape like you are supposed to off . Told the printer I had a new cartridge and every time I printed out a test page the black wouldn 't print . I must have taken it in and out a half a dozen times and cleaned the nozzle ( I don 't know if this would have even helped since it was brand new ) . Then I checked all the cables if they were okay but the color cartridge worked . I thought the printer must be broken after all these years . Finally I thought to go to Google and see if I could figure out why the black wouldn 't print . It was something so simple I never even thought to check . Apparently , sometimes they put an extra piece of tape on the cartridge and that was still on , DUH ! ! In all the years I 've had this printer I never had that situation before . At least I don 't have to get a new printer : 0 ) They had a tree lighting ceremony at the nursing home yesterday . My cousin and her husband , the same ones that brought the flowers , took Mom to it . She emailed me last night and said they lit trees outside and unless you were close to the windows you didn 't get to see the lighting of the trees , which they didn 't . She talked to one of the people in charge and mentioned that she thought they were going to light the trees in the facility . This was the first year they did it and she said maybe next year they would . I know you could sponsor a tree for Alzheimer 's and I wasn 't sure how they were going to do that . I suppose when you try something new , it takes a while to work the kinks out . Maybe by next year they will . She was very excited to tell me about it . She had snacks and they had flute players playing . She said she really had a good time and it was so festive . Thanks cousin for taking her and for the pictures . My cousin when she came brought some flowers for my mom . When I went to take Mom 's pop to her room , the flowers were on the roommates little dresser . I took them and put them back on mom 's dresser . I 'm not sure if the roommate put them there or if the aid put them there for some reason when she got clothes out of mom 's dresser . A mystery . We were wondering what to do about Mom for Thanksgiving . She says they are having a big shindig for Thanksgiving at the nursing home , so that 's a load off my mind . I just didn 't think we 'd be able to get her in and out of the van to take her to my brothers plus the steps . Usually I make labels for my Christmas cards but I 'm probably going to address them by hand this year . I just really don 't feel like fooling around making labels . We 'll see . I might change my mind - or not . Yesterday after seeing Mom we went to her house . Ron and my brother moved the stove and refrigerator out because he wants it for his rental property . I 'm still waiting on my girlfriend 's son to come get the freezer . There 's still a few things that need to get out but I 'm not too worried about that for now . Today we went to the Realtor 's office . I got the paper I needed to fax to the agency and signed the papers to sell Mom 's house . She is supposed to go over within 48 hours and look at the house one more time and put the For Sale sign up . I 'll be glad when this is all settled and all we will have to be concerned with is mom . When we were done , we took the paper to the nursing home and had the girl fax it to the agency . I will probably call in a couple of days to confirm she got it . I still have a few questions about how this all works . It was me . I don 't know what got into me . Was it the beautiful sunny day ? Was it Berta doing her job and egging me on ? Or was I just having a manic day LOL . I cleaned the bathroom , half bath , living room , dining room , bedroom and computer room . I really didn 't need to do anything in the kitchen because I 've been keeping up with that pretty well . Also , mom 's old room until we get the carpet out , I pretty much avoid it . All I know is it 's all done , phew . I also managed to do a load of towels which was good and bad news . I threw them in and didn 't notice I put this little red cloth thing from Mom 's stable in . Oops , the new towels we bought that were an off white are now kinda off pink . Oh well , at least the house is clean . Although Mom was doing good yesterday , she mentioned Thursday she had some gastro intestinal problems ( I won 't go into details ) on Thursday but she was feeling good . Later in the day yesterday , she called me and again after lunch she had the same issues . They told her she would probably stay in bed the next couple of days . I wonder if she 's got some kind of virus or I 'm wondering about the candy I bring her . Since she 's a diabetic , I bring her candy that has a sugar substitute in it . I only bring her about 7 or 8 pieces because I know it can cause issues . Lately , I 've been alternating with pretzels which have never caused any problems . Hopefully , when I go tomorrow her regular nurse will be in and I can discuss this with her . They have this tree by the parking lot and it 's the first time I noticed since fall came and the leaves were gone there are red berries on it . At first I thought it was tiny leaves growing but on closer inspection they were indeed berries . It sure looked gorgeous . It 's a beautiful day . Not much happening . Went to see Mom she was doing pretty good . The Realtor called we are going to see her on Monday afternoon . She has the paper I need . My brother wants the families old nativity stable so I 've been packing up all the figures and we will probably take it to his house on Thanksgiving . That 's about if for now . I 'm not sure if I will post over the weekend , I 'll see if I have something to say . If I don 't have a good weekend and I 'll see you on Monday . I changed the appointment with the Realtor from 1 : 00 to 2 : 00 because I forgot I was supposed to go with my friend because she was going to find out about her breast biopsy . Her appointment wasn 't until 10 : 45 but the last time we waited quite a long time in the doctor 's office and I didn 't want to feel rushed . She called me about 8 : 30 a . m . this morning to say the doctor had surgery at 11 : 00 and wanted her to come in right away . She said she would just go and call me when she was done . Thank goodness when she called back it was benign . Then when we were going over to meet the Realtor we were at a red light waiting for the left turn signal to go . There was a guy in front of us ; in his right hand he had a cell phone up to his ear and in his left hand he was smoking a cigarette . All of a sudden he pulls out and goes straight . Then I see him turn into the gas station and pull out onto the street we were waiting to go onto . This street he was going on is a city that you can 't be driving and talking on your cell phone . We see people all the time driving through there talking on their cell phones . Ron said , I hope that guy gets caught . Sure enough when we made the turn and started going down the road we saw a cruiser with its lights on . LOL , the guy got stopped by the police . Now we 're not sure if he got stopped because he got caught talking on the phone but that would be my bet . I called my brother to tell him that I switched the time with the Realtor and asked him if my sil might want to be there . So we met her at my mom 's house with the Realtor . This will be good . She can tell him everything the Realtor had to say . She pretty much said mom 's house would be a rehab house . I 'm waiting for her to write something that I can fax to the agency proving how much the house is worth . Then it will go up for sale . We will be going to my brother 's house for Thanksgiving . My sil 's parents usually are in Florida for Thanksgiving but this year they are staying around until after Christmas . This will be good for us , no cooking and cleaPosted by When we went to see Mom on Sunday she had a beaded necklace on . It was pretty cute . She made it in arts and crafts . I was glad to know she participated . She always loved jewelry . Right now she wears a rosary ; - ) I think her left hearing aid finally bit the dust . Sunday , she couldn 't hear out of it and we put a new battery in . Still didn 't work . I had talked to the nurse a couple of weeks ago about getting her a new one for the left ear because I knew it would be breaking soon . It was five years old already . Before she went long term , we could only afford the right one and at the time since the original one was lost we went with that . I talked to the nurse on Monday to see if she started the process yet and mentioned the left one is broken now for sure . She said she started the process but it will probably take a while before it gets approved . I guess I 'll just have to keep checking on it . Yesterday my cousin called and she had been to see Mom . She said she was the best since she 's been going there and she actually could carry on a conversation . This really pleased me so much . I was happy for mom that it wasn 't one of her confused days and she could enjoy the visit . I was also happy for my cousin that she chose one of mom 's good days . It 's not so fun to visit when she 's confused . A few weeks ago , my aunt , uncle and another cousin came . This was the first time they saw Mom since she went to long term . They were very surprised at how well she was doing . We just got back from seeing Mom . She was in a good mood and told me some about her visit with my cousin . So today was another good day for her . I called a real estate agent and me and Ron are meeting with her Thursday at mom 's house . My brother won 't be able to be there because he will be at work . It will be an " as is " sale , if we can even sell it . I might have to pay someone to take it off our hands LOL . I was so apprehensive about calling but the woman I spoke to was very nice and helpful . Turns out she graduated from the same high school I did a few years before me . Wish for luck that someone will want this house . With a little love and tender care it could be great . 2 . A couple of weeks ago I ordered some pull over sweaters from a catalog . I thought they seemed cheaper . That 's because when they came they were long sleeved T - shirts . Instead of investigating I just noticed the woman in the picture and went by that . Here the reason she seemed familiar was because I had ordered Mom some . Oh well , they were nice and CHEAP and I decided to keep them . I had to reorder the sweaters but I checked this time to make sure they were sweaters Ha . 4 . I 've known this for a while but I constantly have to relearn when it starts creeping back in that I if I have junk food in the house I WILL eat it . I just can 't help myself . So , out with the junk food for probably the 100th time . 5 . What I still have to learn is how to put that little widget ( or whatever ) it 's called in my post if I do What I learned this week again LOL . Sorry . I have some questions I 'd like to ask from people who blog and from those who only read blogs . You can answer all or just what pertains to you . I 'm going to answer them as I think of them . I 'm going to try to put a Mcklinky in but if it doesn 't show up , any bloggers can just put their link in the comments . We 'll see what happens . I don 't remember when I first came across blogs . I mostly get my reading blogs from other blogs . I usually look at the their blog roll or if they recommend a blog and see if it 's for me . It 's different things . Sometimes it 's the serious writing or sometimes the funny writing . It 's just that I connect for some reason . 3 . What makes you stop going to a blog ? The first thing is if it 's difficult to read . Sometimes people have a dark background with a light font . To me that 's too difficult to read . In general , once I start reading someone 's blog I don 't get rid of it . I might not read it as often but I still keep it . Even if they don 't write for months and months . I check in every once and a while and wonder what happened to them . If they say they are ending their blog , then I will delete it . 4 . Do you a read a variety of blogs or just certain types of blogs ? I 'm still trying . Although I want to branch out from writing mostly about Mom and the nursing home things , I still think that might be relevant to some peoples lives ( and to friends and family so they know what 's going on ) . I guess I have to find a balance . I have this bad habit of starting things and trying to figure things out on my own . That would be okay but I never get really in depth about things . ( sometimes I think I might have ADHD LOL ) . I just try to wing it . Besides my son and I , we were the first ones to have a computer in the family . Everyone thought I knew everything , Ha . Since then my sil has far surpassed my knowledge on computers ; - ) I do . It 's hard to put some things on without probably hurting people 's feelings . Thus , the problem of what I want this blog to be . 10 . How do you come up with ideas for what you want to write ? Right now it 's pretty much all about Mom with a few other things thrown it . I would like to change that ratio . Right now , I 'm going for the gusto with blogging . Tomorrow may be another story . Remember I 'm always a strong starter but not always a good finisher . I noticed when I first started reading blogs some people posted every day . Now they post only during the week . I guess you have to figure out what works for your schedule . Something else for me to consider . I 'm not thrilled with it now that I see it in a picture but I can live with it if I don 't find something else , at least for this year . Lately , my pictures have been coming out blurry . Sorry When we went to see Mom yesterday she was " very angry " as she put it . She was still in bed and not dressed yet . Usually by the time we come she is either dressed and out of her room or in the process of getting dressed . We get there between 10 : 30 and 10 : 45 . Then she told me that they had found her original wheelchair that she came with from upstairs . She kept telling me to look in her closet for it but it 's only a clothes closet . Her roommate was still in her nightclothes too . I just told Mom that they were probably busy and would be there soon . I brought the Thanksgiving decorations for Mom 's bulletin board and put those up . I didn 't get a picture yet but I will soon . I 'm not thrilled with the way it came out but I 'll see if I can find something better if this doesn 't grow on me . I asked the roommate if she wanted a few decorations and she said yes . She didn 't have a lot of room on her board so I put them where I could . It will be interesting to see when Thanksgiving 's over if she 'll let me take them down and put up a few Christmas decorations . By the time I was done , the aide came and got Mom dressed and I wheeled her out to the eating area because it was close to lunch . When I was there a few weeks ago , I talked to the activities director . Mom had a bunch of CD 's and I asked her if the nursing home could use them . I brought those yesterday and left them for her . Just another thing gone from my house and I 'm sure they will put them to good use . They play music all the time . The director told me they didn 't have any country music and that 's mostly what they were . Boy , I 've been so tired this week and haven 't felt like doing anything in the house . Wasn 't the time change supposed to give us an extra hour of sleep ? It didn 't seem to work for me . Mom has a roommate at the nursing home . She 's 85 ( her birthday was in October the day before mine ) . She 's foreign but I don 't know what nationality she is . She speaks English well though . Although today was the first time I heard speak in her native tongue . I guess it was because she was yelling at me LOL . This woman had a roommate for three years . I never asked what happened to her . When mom first got to the room with her , she used to try on my mother 's stuff and look through all her drawers . She may still do that I don 't know . We had a couple of books there in case mom wanted to read . Ron ended up reading them and he left it by her TV . It kept disappearing and then we found it in a drawer . We think she kept putting it in there . After that when Ron would get done reading , he would just put it in the drawer . One time when it was still on top , he went to take the book and she had a fit saying " what are you doing with that . " We told her he was just going to read it then put it back . When I decided to decorate mom 's bulletin board for Halloween , she had a fit because I was taking the things that were on the bulletin board off . I told her I was just decorating for Halloween and I would put the stuff back up after the holiday 's . I still think she might have had something to do with the decorations coming off the board ; - ) but I can 't be sure . Today when we came to visit , Mom was still in her room . I figured I would take the few Halloween things that were still on the board and bring the stuff for Thanksgiving in the next few days . Oh boy , was the roommate upset . Again she said " what are you doing . " I said " I 'm taking the Halloween stuff down and will be bringing Thanksgiving stuff to put up . " Then she said something in a foreign language and I told her she had to speak English if she wanted me to understand . She told me she liked looking at the decorations . I told her I would be bring the other things soon . Mom was still in bed and I decided to see if I could get her up by myself and get her in the wheelchair . We did I don 't know if she forgets who I am or doesn 't see well . I know one day I went into the room and she was crying because she said someone stole her glasses . I looked all over for them but then the nurse told me they were missing for a long time . She got a new pair but she said she couldn 't see out of them . I always try to talk to her all the time and ask how she 's doing . I think when I bring the Thanksgiving things , I might ask if she wants me to put a few things on her bulletin board . Mom said she 's never seen anyone visit her except for some religious people that come once in a while and pray with her . Finally casinos passed in Ohio . I really can 't believe it . Are casinos going to pull Ohio out of the doldrums probably not but I just couldn 't fathom all these Ohioans going to other states and giving them their money . I 've only been to a casino once not even in America but in Canada . I had a good time but knew my limit . I had a certain amount of money I was willing to lose and then I was done . With one being closer , I will probably go to it - still knowing my limit . Will this be good for Ohio , only time will tell but I hope so . Civic duty - Did you vote today ? I sent away for absentee ballots for us . We never sent them back . Today when we went to vote we had to vote on provisional ballots . Then to add insult to injury when I started to vote on one of the issues I voted wrong . I had to go ask for another ballot . I thought since we didn 't send the absentee ballots in we could just vote regular - seems that isn 't the case . I learned a valuable lesson either send the absentee ballot in or don 't get one to begin with . Now reading about provisional ballots they won 't even be counted until 7 - 10 days after the election . Boo Hoo ! Anyway , I hope everyone voted today . If you want to see what other people have learned this week check out this site http : / / www . musingsofahousewife . com You may notice that the blog has a " little " different look to it . I was fooling around this morning and wanted to put a different picture on it . I took some pictures of some fall decorations I had in the house but they didn 't turn out good . Then I couldn 't get the image of my house back on because I forgot it got lost when my hard drive was messed up . I 'm going to have to find or take another picture to put up but I don 't know when this will be . This is a little bird house I have in the 1 / 2 bath . This will have to do for now . I feel like I 'm so behind for Christmas this year . Usually by now , I have all my labels done and on the envelopes . I 'm starting to sign the inside of the cards . I haven 't even started yet . I do have my cards bought . I 'm behind on my knitting but not as much as last year . I 'm thinking of trying to put a little album with pictures together for Mom that she can keep at the nursing home but I don 't know if I 'll get around to it . I probably have less to do than most Christmases but it seems like I 'm further behind for some reason . Oh well , I suppose it will all get done . We went to see mom early . She was doing good . Then we left and went to her house . My brother and sister - in - law were already there packing stuff . We got a lot done today again . Ron and my brother made a few trips with the van and my brother 's SUV to put stuff by his house . We got the attic done and swept up . There 's just a few more big things to get out . We have stuff we want the neighbor to look at to see if they want if not we 'll just give it to Goodwill . Probably in the next week or so , I 'll be contacting the real estate agent . My brother had two people on the street tell him to let him know when we 're selling that they may be interested . It would be great if we could sell it real quick . We got there at 12 and left by 3 : 30 . I 've got some dishes to do , and then we are going to relax for the rest of the night . We are beat . I 'm 65 years old . I call my ( husband ) hippie on the blog who is 70 and retired . We 're married for 39 years . We have a son that 's 34 and lives out of state with his wife . I 'm a breast cancer survivor from 2004 , scary time ! ! Sometimes I write a lot , sometimes not . * * This is an award free blog . * * |
Yesterday when I was opening a can for the dog , I cut the top of my index finger . Ouch ! ! It was bleeding a lot . I almost thought I was going to need stitches . We put peroxide on it and bandaged it pretty good . I cleaned it again in the evening and it was still bleeding but only a little bit . So I put another band aid on . This morning it 's fine . Thank goodness , I would have hated to go to ER . I bought some raffle tickets there . They are raffling off some little decorated Christmas trees and wreaths on December 3rd . Each department made them . The raffle is for Alzheimer 's . This is the first year they did this and she said they 've gotten a good response . Hopefully , we might win something . I 'm decorating the tree slowly but surely . I 'll probably get it done today . After that I still have a few more things to get out and then I should be done . Did anyone go out yesterday for Black Friday ? I didn 't . I went one time when my son was younger . I went to Best Buy with my girlfriend to buy a video game . I think we went about 6 a . m . When we were standing in line I told her , I wasn 't going to fight somebody for a stupid game LOL . That was the first and last time I went . We didn 't get the tree up yesterday , wah ! ! Ron just wasn 't into it . He 's putting it up now . Usually he puts it up on Friday with the lights and I decorate in on Saturday . I don 't know when I will do it . Did you start putting up your decorations yet ? We had a really great time at my brother and sister - in - laws . Good food and good company . I hadn 't seen my sister - in - laws family for years . It was good to catch up with them . I was so stuffed . I ate more than usual ( not good for my weight ) . I think it had a lot to do with the fact that we didn 't have to cook it , just eat it . They didn 't want us to bring anything but my neighbor behind gave us a pumpkin roll . We left some here but took the majority of it there . My brother took mom 's dining room set so we were able to use that to eat at . Also , the buffet . Mom never really used it to put food on so it looked nice . I wouldn 't mind going there again next year ; 0 ) We got some leftover turkey which we will probably have tonight . We went to see Mom for a little bit yesterday morning before we went to my brother 's . Everyone was in the day room watching the Macy 's Thanksgiving Day parade . I asked her today did she have a good Thanksgiving meal . She said they had turkey , ham , sweet potatoes , corn , beets and pumpkin pie . I 'm pretty sure she was talking about lunch and supper but she said it was all good . I woke up at 5 : 30 a . m . this morning - I think because when we got home from my brother 's I laid down to watch Survivor . The next thing I knew it was 9 : 00 p . m . oh oh . This is what I saw ( I had to brighten it up a little bit ) when I opened the blinds this morning . about 6 a . m . Then about 7 : 30 a . m . I saw this . Although the first picture of the posts are a little dark , look at how much more snow is on them . I am thankful for my husband . He is such a good and thoughtful man . I am very blessed to have him in my life and I know it . I am thankful for my son . Even though he won 't be with us this year ( I 'll miss him a lot ) for Thanksgiving . I 'm happy that he 's having an adventure and living out of state . He was brave to do that and I know he 's going to learn so much . He really turned out to be a kind , compassionate guy ( although I will always call him my kid ) . I will be so excited to see him in January . I am thankful for my Mom . A few months ago I thought she might not be here . She is just thriving now . She is safe , healthy and happy . I am thankful for the Nursing Home . They are taking such good care of her . You worry when you choose a place for a parent to live . I know I picked a winner . I am thankful for that little picture on the top of this post . One year my husband got a recipe for stuffing , I typed it out and he had our son draw a picture of a turkey on it . I don 't remember how old he was . Every year I print it out and my husband uses it for the stuffing and I see that little turkey and it makes me smile . This year since he won 't be making it - I thought it would be apropos to still honor this little turkey by putting it in a post ; - ) . I 'm just so thankful that I saved it all these years . Happy Thanksgiving Everyone . Hope it 's a good one . See you all on Friday . I had a regular doctor 's appointment yesterday . It was mostly to check on my cholesterol . Since I started back on the cholesterol medicine on a regular basis , my cholesterol was excellent . I 'm on a low dose and he 's thinking of dropping it to 5mg . He probably would have written me a new script but I just ordered new pills . Remember when everything happened with Mom and I lost all that weight , well it 's back on . Plus , a couple of more pounds . I asked the doctor if it could be the anxiety medication . He said the medication could make you more hungry but if you eat a lot of junk food like a pig you just have to be more careful in what you eat . What a time to hear this just when the holidays are here . I finally learned how to put pictures on my blog and writing underneath . All this time when I put pictures on they were one right after another . I took the time to figure it out and I did it Ha ! ! A couple of weeks ago , I learned how to set up Mcklinky on one my posts . Even though I didn 't get any responses , I felt good that in the future I will know how to do it . I learn this every week it seems but I have to learn how to make it a habit . If I have to do something just do it and don 't put it off . Like my Christmas cards , it just took a couple of days when I put my mind to it . I 've never thought of myself as a procrastinator but from the things I posted it seems that I am LOL . For the new year , I think my catch phrase will be JUST DO IT . For more What I learned this week go to http : / / www . musingsofahousewife . com / 2009 / 11 / what - i - learned - this - week - 14 . html There 's one lady that when I think of her , she 's the " Hello Lady " to me . She is in a wheelchair and I think she must not be able to see . When she is sitting in the day room she is always saying hello , hello . Then there 's a man that always has a terrible cough . My mom says he 's a derelict and they let him stay upstairs for free but he comes down to her floor to eat and get toilet paper . I don 't know where she came up with that idea . He must live down the other hallway . Then there 's a woman when Mom first came there she sat in the dayroom with her . I couldn 't figure out why this woman was even there . She seemed to have her wits about her and she was able to walk unaided . Lately though when I 've seen her , I could tell her mind is failing and she seems confused . She has to wear a little band around her ankle so if she tries to walk through the double doors out of the wing an alarm sounds and they know and bring her back . Then there 's the young woman . I 'm not sure what her story is . She is in a wheelchair that you kinda sit and lay back in . My mom said she heard the woman is mentally challenged . I saw a show on cable about people that had brain trauma and I wonder if that 's what happened to her . That 's just a few of the people that are where Mom is . I really have to find out the people 's names . More observations in the future . I spent yesterday and today working on my Christmas cards . I found some labels from last year on my computer but there was one page missing . It was only about 10 labels so I made them . My cards are now done except for licking the envelopes , buying the stamps and putting them on . Looks like I will probably keep my record of having them done before Thanksgiving ; - ) This is mom 's / our pet Corky . He lives with us now . He was given to mom and dad from my brother as a Christmas present and is a pound dog . 9 years old Overall , he 's a great dog but kind of skiddish . He refuses to go into any other room of my house except the living room and dining room which is kind of good because he is a shedder that sheds throughout the year . He goes out of my house through the patio door . Today I spent about a half hour trying to get my new black cartridge to work . I took the little piece of yellow tape like you are supposed to off . Told the printer I had a new cartridge and every time I printed out a test page the black wouldn 't print . I must have taken it in and out a half a dozen times and cleaned the nozzle ( I don 't know if this would have even helped since it was brand new ) . Then I checked all the cables if they were okay but the color cartridge worked . I thought the printer must be broken after all these years . Finally I thought to go to Google and see if I could figure out why the black wouldn 't print . It was something so simple I never even thought to check . Apparently , sometimes they put an extra piece of tape on the cartridge and that was still on , DUH ! ! In all the years I 've had this printer I never had that situation before . At least I don 't have to get a new printer : 0 ) They had a tree lighting ceremony at the nursing home yesterday . My cousin and her husband , the same ones that brought the flowers , took Mom to it . She emailed me last night and said they lit trees outside and unless you were close to the windows you didn 't get to see the lighting of the trees , which they didn 't . She talked to one of the people in charge and mentioned that she thought they were going to light the trees in the facility . This was the first year they did it and she said maybe next year they would . I know you could sponsor a tree for Alzheimer 's and I wasn 't sure how they were going to do that . I suppose when you try something new , it takes a while to work the kinks out . Maybe by next year they will . She was very excited to tell me about it . She had snacks and they had flute players playing . She said she really had a good time and it was so festive . Thanks cousin for taking her and for the pictures . My cousin when she came brought some flowers for my mom . When I went to take Mom 's pop to her room , the flowers were on the roommates little dresser . I took them and put them back on mom 's dresser . I 'm not sure if the roommate put them there or if the aid put them there for some reason when she got clothes out of mom 's dresser . A mystery . We were wondering what to do about Mom for Thanksgiving . She says they are having a big shindig for Thanksgiving at the nursing home , so that 's a load off my mind . I just didn 't think we 'd be able to get her in and out of the van to take her to my brothers plus the steps . Usually I make labels for my Christmas cards but I 'm probably going to address them by hand this year . I just really don 't feel like fooling around making labels . We 'll see . I might change my mind - or not . Yesterday after seeing Mom we went to her house . Ron and my brother moved the stove and refrigerator out because he wants it for his rental property . I 'm still waiting on my girlfriend 's son to come get the freezer . There 's still a few things that need to get out but I 'm not too worried about that for now . Today we went to the Realtor 's office . I got the paper I needed to fax to the agency and signed the papers to sell Mom 's house . She is supposed to go over within 48 hours and look at the house one more time and put the For Sale sign up . I 'll be glad when this is all settled and all we will have to be concerned with is mom . When we were done , we took the paper to the nursing home and had the girl fax it to the agency . I will probably call in a couple of days to confirm she got it . I still have a few questions about how this all works . It was me . I don 't know what got into me . Was it the beautiful sunny day ? Was it Berta doing her job and egging me on ? Or was I just having a manic day LOL . I cleaned the bathroom , half bath , living room , dining room , bedroom and computer room . I really didn 't need to do anything in the kitchen because I 've been keeping up with that pretty well . Also , mom 's old room until we get the carpet out , I pretty much avoid it . All I know is it 's all done , phew . I also managed to do a load of towels which was good and bad news . I threw them in and didn 't notice I put this little red cloth thing from Mom 's stable in . Oops , the new towels we bought that were an off white are now kinda off pink . Oh well , at least the house is clean . Although Mom was doing good yesterday , she mentioned Thursday she had some gastro intestinal problems ( I won 't go into details ) on Thursday but she was feeling good . Later in the day yesterday , she called me and again after lunch she had the same issues . They told her she would probably stay in bed the next couple of days . I wonder if she 's got some kind of virus or I 'm wondering about the candy I bring her . Since she 's a diabetic , I bring her candy that has a sugar substitute in it . I only bring her about 7 or 8 pieces because I know it can cause issues . Lately , I 've been alternating with pretzels which have never caused any problems . Hopefully , when I go tomorrow her regular nurse will be in and I can discuss this with her . They have this tree by the parking lot and it 's the first time I noticed since fall came and the leaves were gone there are red berries on it . At first I thought it was tiny leaves growing but on closer inspection they were indeed berries . It sure looked gorgeous . It 's a beautiful day . Not much happening . Went to see Mom she was doing pretty good . The Realtor called we are going to see her on Monday afternoon . She has the paper I need . My brother wants the families old nativity stable so I 've been packing up all the figures and we will probably take it to his house on Thanksgiving . That 's about if for now . I 'm not sure if I will post over the weekend , I 'll see if I have something to say . If I don 't have a good weekend and I 'll see you on Monday . I changed the appointment with the Realtor from 1 : 00 to 2 : 00 because I forgot I was supposed to go with my friend because she was going to find out about her breast biopsy . Her appointment wasn 't until 10 : 45 but the last time we waited quite a long time in the doctor 's office and I didn 't want to feel rushed . She called me about 8 : 30 a . m . this morning to say the doctor had surgery at 11 : 00 and wanted her to come in right away . She said she would just go and call me when she was done . Thank goodness when she called back it was benign . Then when we were going over to meet the Realtor we were at a red light waiting for the left turn signal to go . There was a guy in front of us ; in his right hand he had a cell phone up to his ear and in his left hand he was smoking a cigarette . All of a sudden he pulls out and goes straight . Then I see him turn into the gas station and pull out onto the street we were waiting to go onto . This street he was going on is a city that you can 't be driving and talking on your cell phone . We see people all the time driving through there talking on their cell phones . Ron said , I hope that guy gets caught . Sure enough when we made the turn and started going down the road we saw a cruiser with its lights on . LOL , the guy got stopped by the police . Now we 're not sure if he got stopped because he got caught talking on the phone but that would be my bet . I called my brother to tell him that I switched the time with the Realtor and asked him if my sil might want to be there . So we met her at my mom 's house with the Realtor . This will be good . She can tell him everything the Realtor had to say . She pretty much said mom 's house would be a rehab house . I 'm waiting for her to write something that I can fax to the agency proving how much the house is worth . Then it will go up for sale . We will be going to my brother 's house for Thanksgiving . My sil 's parents usually are in Florida for Thanksgiving but this year they are staying around until after Christmas . This will be good for us , no cooking and cleaPosted by When we went to see Mom on Sunday she had a beaded necklace on . It was pretty cute . She made it in arts and crafts . I was glad to know she participated . She always loved jewelry . Right now she wears a rosary ; - ) I think her left hearing aid finally bit the dust . Sunday , she couldn 't hear out of it and we put a new battery in . Still didn 't work . I had talked to the nurse a couple of weeks ago about getting her a new one for the left ear because I knew it would be breaking soon . It was five years old already . Before she went long term , we could only afford the right one and at the time since the original one was lost we went with that . I talked to the nurse on Monday to see if she started the process yet and mentioned the left one is broken now for sure . She said she started the process but it will probably take a while before it gets approved . I guess I 'll just have to keep checking on it . Yesterday my cousin called and she had been to see Mom . She said she was the best since she 's been going there and she actually could carry on a conversation . This really pleased me so much . I was happy for mom that it wasn 't one of her confused days and she could enjoy the visit . I was also happy for my cousin that she chose one of mom 's good days . It 's not so fun to visit when she 's confused . A few weeks ago , my aunt , uncle and another cousin came . This was the first time they saw Mom since she went to long term . They were very surprised at how well she was doing . We just got back from seeing Mom . She was in a good mood and told me some about her visit with my cousin . So today was another good day for her . I called a real estate agent and me and Ron are meeting with her Thursday at mom 's house . My brother won 't be able to be there because he will be at work . It will be an " as is " sale , if we can even sell it . I might have to pay someone to take it off our hands LOL . I was so apprehensive about calling but the woman I spoke to was very nice and helpful . Turns out she graduated from the same high school I did a few years before me . Wish for luck that someone will want this house . With a little love and tender care it could be great . 2 . A couple of weeks ago I ordered some pull over sweaters from a catalog . I thought they seemed cheaper . That 's because when they came they were long sleeved T - shirts . Instead of investigating I just noticed the woman in the picture and went by that . Here the reason she seemed familiar was because I had ordered Mom some . Oh well , they were nice and CHEAP and I decided to keep them . I had to reorder the sweaters but I checked this time to make sure they were sweaters Ha . 4 . I 've known this for a while but I constantly have to relearn when it starts creeping back in that I if I have junk food in the house I WILL eat it . I just can 't help myself . So , out with the junk food for probably the 100th time . 5 . What I still have to learn is how to put that little widget ( or whatever ) it 's called in my post if I do What I learned this week again LOL . Sorry . I have some questions I 'd like to ask from people who blog and from those who only read blogs . You can answer all or just what pertains to you . I 'm going to answer them as I think of them . I 'm going to try to put a Mcklinky in but if it doesn 't show up , any bloggers can just put their link in the comments . We 'll see what happens . I don 't remember when I first came across blogs . I mostly get my reading blogs from other blogs . I usually look at the their blog roll or if they recommend a blog and see if it 's for me . It 's different things . Sometimes it 's the serious writing or sometimes the funny writing . It 's just that I connect for some reason . 3 . What makes you stop going to a blog ? The first thing is if it 's difficult to read . Sometimes people have a dark background with a light font . To me that 's too difficult to read . In general , once I start reading someone 's blog I don 't get rid of it . I might not read it as often but I still keep it . Even if they don 't write for months and months . I check in every once and a while and wonder what happened to them . If they say they are ending their blog , then I will delete it . 4 . Do you a read a variety of blogs or just certain types of blogs ? I 'm still trying . Although I want to branch out from writing mostly about Mom and the nursing home things , I still think that might be relevant to some peoples lives ( and to friends and family so they know what 's going on ) . I guess I have to find a balance . I have this bad habit of starting things and trying to figure things out on my own . That would be okay but I never get really in depth about things . ( sometimes I think I might have ADHD LOL ) . I just try to wing it . Besides my son and I , we were the first ones to have a computer in the family . Everyone thought I knew everything , Ha . Since then my sil has far surpassed my knowledge on computers ; - ) I do . It 's hard to put some things on without probably hurting people 's feelings . Thus , the problem of what I want this blog to be . 10 . How do you come up with ideas for what you want to write ? Right now it 's pretty much all about Mom with a few other things thrown it . I would like to change that ratio . Right now , I 'm going for the gusto with blogging . Tomorrow may be another story . Remember I 'm always a strong starter but not always a good finisher . I noticed when I first started reading blogs some people posted every day . Now they post only during the week . I guess you have to figure out what works for your schedule . Something else for me to consider . I 'm not thrilled with it now that I see it in a picture but I can live with it if I don 't find something else , at least for this year . Lately , my pictures have been coming out blurry . Sorry When we went to see Mom yesterday she was " very angry " as she put it . She was still in bed and not dressed yet . Usually by the time we come she is either dressed and out of her room or in the process of getting dressed . We get there between 10 : 30 and 10 : 45 . Then she told me that they had found her original wheelchair that she came with from upstairs . She kept telling me to look in her closet for it but it 's only a clothes closet . Her roommate was still in her nightclothes too . I just told Mom that they were probably busy and would be there soon . I brought the Thanksgiving decorations for Mom 's bulletin board and put those up . I didn 't get a picture yet but I will soon . I 'm not thrilled with the way it came out but I 'll see if I can find something better if this doesn 't grow on me . I asked the roommate if she wanted a few decorations and she said yes . She didn 't have a lot of room on her board so I put them where I could . It will be interesting to see when Thanksgiving 's over if she 'll let me take them down and put up a few Christmas decorations . By the time I was done , the aide came and got Mom dressed and I wheeled her out to the eating area because it was close to lunch . When I was there a few weeks ago , I talked to the activities director . Mom had a bunch of CD 's and I asked her if the nursing home could use them . I brought those yesterday and left them for her . Just another thing gone from my house and I 'm sure they will put them to good use . They play music all the time . The director told me they didn 't have any country music and that 's mostly what they were . Boy , I 've been so tired this week and haven 't felt like doing anything in the house . Wasn 't the time change supposed to give us an extra hour of sleep ? It didn 't seem to work for me . Mom has a roommate at the nursing home . She 's 85 ( her birthday was in October the day before mine ) . She 's foreign but I don 't know what nationality she is . She speaks English well though . Although today was the first time I heard speak in her native tongue . I guess it was because she was yelling at me LOL . This woman had a roommate for three years . I never asked what happened to her . When mom first got to the room with her , she used to try on my mother 's stuff and look through all her drawers . She may still do that I don 't know . We had a couple of books there in case mom wanted to read . Ron ended up reading them and he left it by her TV . It kept disappearing and then we found it in a drawer . We think she kept putting it in there . After that when Ron would get done reading , he would just put it in the drawer . One time when it was still on top , he went to take the book and she had a fit saying " what are you doing with that . " We told her he was just going to read it then put it back . When I decided to decorate mom 's bulletin board for Halloween , she had a fit because I was taking the things that were on the bulletin board off . I told her I was just decorating for Halloween and I would put the stuff back up after the holiday 's . I still think she might have had something to do with the decorations coming off the board ; - ) but I can 't be sure . Today when we came to visit , Mom was still in her room . I figured I would take the few Halloween things that were still on the board and bring the stuff for Thanksgiving in the next few days . Oh boy , was the roommate upset . Again she said " what are you doing . " I said " I 'm taking the Halloween stuff down and will be bringing Thanksgiving stuff to put up . " Then she said something in a foreign language and I told her she had to speak English if she wanted me to understand . She told me she liked looking at the decorations . I told her I would be bring the other things soon . Mom was still in bed and I decided to see if I could get her up by myself and get her in the wheelchair . We did I don 't know if she forgets who I am or doesn 't see well . I know one day I went into the room and she was crying because she said someone stole her glasses . I looked all over for them but then the nurse told me they were missing for a long time . She got a new pair but she said she couldn 't see out of them . I always try to talk to her all the time and ask how she 's doing . I think when I bring the Thanksgiving things , I might ask if she wants me to put a few things on her bulletin board . Mom said she 's never seen anyone visit her except for some religious people that come once in a while and pray with her . Finally casinos passed in Ohio . I really can 't believe it . Are casinos going to pull Ohio out of the doldrums probably not but I just couldn 't fathom all these Ohioans going to other states and giving them their money . I 've only been to a casino once not even in America but in Canada . I had a good time but knew my limit . I had a certain amount of money I was willing to lose and then I was done . With one being closer , I will probably go to it - still knowing my limit . Will this be good for Ohio , only time will tell but I hope so . Civic duty - Did you vote today ? I sent away for absentee ballots for us . We never sent them back . Today when we went to vote we had to vote on provisional ballots . Then to add insult to injury when I started to vote on one of the issues I voted wrong . I had to go ask for another ballot . I thought since we didn 't send the absentee ballots in we could just vote regular - seems that isn 't the case . I learned a valuable lesson either send the absentee ballot in or don 't get one to begin with . Now reading about provisional ballots they won 't even be counted until 7 - 10 days after the election . Boo Hoo ! Anyway , I hope everyone voted today . If you want to see what other people have learned this week check out this site http : / / www . musingsofahousewife . com You may notice that the blog has a " little " different look to it . I was fooling around this morning and wanted to put a different picture on it . I took some pictures of some fall decorations I had in the house but they didn 't turn out good . Then I couldn 't get the image of my house back on because I forgot it got lost when my hard drive was messed up . I 'm going to have to find or take another picture to put up but I don 't know when this will be . This is a little bird house I have in the 1 / 2 bath . This will have to do for now . I feel like I 'm so behind for Christmas this year . Usually by now , I have all my labels done and on the envelopes . I 'm starting to sign the inside of the cards . I haven 't even started yet . I do have my cards bought . I 'm behind on my knitting but not as much as last year . I 'm thinking of trying to put a little album with pictures together for Mom that she can keep at the nursing home but I don 't know if I 'll get around to it . I probably have less to do than most Christmases but it seems like I 'm further behind for some reason . Oh well , I suppose it will all get done . We went to see mom early . She was doing good . Then we left and went to her house . My brother and sister - in - law were already there packing stuff . We got a lot done today again . Ron and my brother made a few trips with the van and my brother 's SUV to put stuff by his house . We got the attic done and swept up . There 's just a few more big things to get out . We have stuff we want the neighbor to look at to see if they want if not we 'll just give it to Goodwill . Probably in the next week or so , I 'll be contacting the real estate agent . My brother had two people on the street tell him to let him know when we 're selling that they may be interested . It would be great if we could sell it real quick . We got there at 12 and left by 3 : 30 . I 've got some dishes to do , and then we are going to relax for the rest of the night . We are beat . I 'm 65 years old . I call my ( husband ) hippie on the blog who is 70 and retired . We 're married for 39 years . We have a son that 's 34 and lives out of state with his wife . I 'm a breast cancer survivor from 2004 , scary time ! ! Sometimes I write a lot , sometimes not . * * This is an award free blog . * * |
This page is like a little taste of heaven and a glimpse of paradise . It was created to give you an upliftment in your day ! Thanks for stopping by ! Also stop by our website ! www . ANewDayOutreach . com Live life to the fullest . True and honest , begin with yourself and extend it to others . Use your words wisely . Words have power and create influence , do not spread them carelessly . Negative words create negative energy and repel those around you . Live in the positive . Leave your " stamp " on everything you do . Make yourself an icon to be admired and respected . Become an inspiration to others - so think carefully before you speak and act . Every action , every word carries a consequence . Create a genuineness about you that is addictive to all those who meet you . Exercising is not one of my favorite pastimes but I know it 's good for me . So every day I try to get outside and take a 2 - mile walk . Most days I carry a small notebook and pen with me so that I can jot down the random brilliant thoughts that come to me as I stroll around the neighborhood . Within a few steps I started thinking of my daughter who always stops to pick up loose change . She wouldn 't have passed this one by . I was half tempted to turn around and go back for it , but I thought it would be embarrassing if someone happened to see me stooping down to pick up a nickel . It didn 't take long for me to transition my thoughts from that nickel to those small opportunities that have been in front of me that I 've stepped on or passed by . How many have I overlooked because I thought they were insignificant ? How many have I been too embarrassed to attempt ? How many have I stepped on because I wanted to show the world they were unworthy of my attention ? Later that day I told my daughter about the nickel incident because it was continued to weigh on my mind . She didn 't say , " Don 't worry about it . It was only a nickel . " She did say , " I would have picked it up . Did you know that one day at school I found over a dollar in change on the floor ? " She had taken advantage of seemingly small opportunities . But when added up , they became something worthwhile . In my daughter 's case , she was able to buy a can of soda from the vending machine at school - something she wouldn 't have been able to do otherwise . The next morning I paid attention as I walked that same stretch of road . I was determined to pick up that nickel if I saw it again . But alas , it was gone . Not surprising I guess . Someone else is usually willing to take advantage of the opportunities that others choose to pass by . Unfortunately by the time I decided to take advantage of it , the opportunity was no longer there . Of course not every opportunity is one that I want to stop and pick up . Some merely resemble something that would help me achieve my goals in life , the way that bottle caps , from a distance , look a lot like coins . But some we recognize immediately as worthwhile yet we still choose to walk by them . Since the day I walked past that nickel in the road , I 've been more attuned to opportunities that surround me . I 've been paying attention to my response to them . Instead of quickly discounting the ones that appear to be small payoffs , I 'm looking at the bigger picture . What can a small opportunity add to what I already have going on ? How can a small opportunity serve as the beginning of something bigger ? " Look around you . . . there are many little and simple things that can change your life , if you can just let them be ! Never miss a chance to enjoy the little and simple things in life because peace , happiness , joy , love and all good things come from little and simple things that are found around us ! When you treasure them , they become memories that last forever . " I don 't think all people will reach for excellence let alone ever achieve it . Many will live lives of " quiet . . . " but in the end will have found some significance . Family , friends even strangers will be a part of that . " The moment we get even with others , is the moment we choose to be uneven . Faith is to simply trust something to do what it has the nature and ability to do . The same things God uses to bless us will also stop any enemy who tries to stop us . " " That laundry is not very clean , " she said to her husband . " The neighbor doesn 't know how to wash correctly . Perhaps she needs better laundry soap . " About one month later , the young woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on her neighbor 's line and said to her husband , " Look ! She has learned how to wash correctly . I wonder who taught her this ? " The great spirit saw her , and was listening . " Indeed " , he said , " she should be living " . And he reached down and touched her and gave her life . Today I took a time of silence just to look back on my life and to see what happened to me . I looked back on the road of my life and I saw that there are two roads that are leading to where I am currently standing . I could not understand this . The one road is twisty and go through canyons , over cliffs and it seems that it is a road that no sane man will travel . The other road is a road that looks like a highway . It is straight and flat , but it is also very , very narrow . I asked God why is there two roads that only converge a little way from where I am standing . God answered me and said that the one road - the twisty difficult road , is the road that I chose to walk . This road is so difficult and so dangerous because I did not heed God 's word . I sinned and the devil led me on this twisty road . It was really a horrific road . Sometimes there was no road at all and I wondered what happened during those times in my travels on this difficult road . I asked God and He said with a smile in His voice , " Son that is where the devil let go of you and I caught you , I carried you . " Again , before I could ask God about this , He answered me and said , " Son you started praying , you started leaving the choices in My hands . You started trusting me and you started believing in the power of what I can do . I was hoping that you would come to Me and look at My road . " " All it took was for you , to start asking Me for the things in your life that you wanted and trusting Me enough with those things . I am burning to release My full flood of riches onto you , to give you far more than you could ever ask for or dream of ! You must remember that it was YOUR choice to travel your own road , I was always there , but you never trusted Me , you never asked Me to help you . " " You where the one that went of on the difficult road with all the dangers and My road was there all along . It was up to you to come back to Me , because I never left you , it was you who left Me . There , where the roads converge , that is when you came back to Me , that was when you gave up on trying to be the leader in your own life , when you realized that on your own power you are not getting anywhere and you are not achieving anything meaningful in your life , when you stopped relying on your own power . I could only stand in amazement on what happened since the two roads converge . I could see the drastic change and the things that came my way since traveling God 's way . I decided there and then that without God in my life , I do not want to live another day . I started understanding what God , my Father had in store for me and it is so simple . I just need to trust Him with everything and I must ask Him for it . The simplicity of this only started sinking in and I now know that without God in my life , life is not worth living . I vowed that never again will I rely on my own strengths , never again will I doubt in what God has promised each and every one of us . I vowed to keep on looking for God 's will in my life and to get to know Him a lot better ! God is my King and Savior , how about yours ? It turns out that she was working as a stripper to support herself and friends . They ate out of a local grocery store 's dumpster . The food we had bought for her and the twenty dollars we had given , restored their hope , faith and gave them the courage to believe that they could change . The woman named Samantha sits wondering what purpose in life has God in store for her . She realizes is she thirty years old and a single mother of two . Any other day she would not feel the pressures of life except for this day is the day before an operation that will forever change her . She wonders how people will see her and react to her once the operation is complete . More importantly she begins to worry about how she will see herself . She is distracted long enough to give her children the hugs and kisses they so very much desire . A few moments are spent making small talk and casual play until the children run off to fix themselves some cereal . As she hears her children laughing and occasionally arguing , her mind begins to wonder into her past . Her father ; being a hard man whom stubbornly held to his convictions in life without hesitation . Her mother , a teacher of the word of God always ensured they knew the Gospel . Her four bothers and sisters wrapped up in their own world and not understanding her . All of this was racing through Samantha 's mind . Her attention was again diverted when she heard the dreaded words from her son , " UH OH . " Samantha went into the kitchen where she found that her son had an accident with the milk as he was pouring it into the cereal bowls . She patiently wipes up the milk and fixes their cereal before she retreats back to her room to take her shower . Sitting on the end of her bed wondering what she will wear today , she again begins to think of the experiences in her life . She recalls a traumatic event whereupon she was attacked as a child . She vividly recalls the events of that day and begins to weep . She recalls how she refused to tell anyone , for fear of upsetting her family . As she finishes helping her daughter the phone rings . It 's Christopher , a new found friend she met only a few months ago . They say hello 's and talk about the coming day and each other 's plans . A few minutes later she gangs up the phone and steps into the shower . While in the shower , she again thinks of how she 'll be after the operation . She thinks to herself that she 's not getting any younger , and if she 'll be appealing enough for any man to ever want her again . She abruptly puts the thought out of her head and begins to think of her friends . She can 't help but think at first if they will treat her any differently than they do now , especially her boyfriend , William . As she gets out of the shower and feeling somewhat refreshed , she realizes how fortunate she really is to have the types of friends she has . She tells herself that she has always tried to be there when they needed her and how good she felt when they called upon her in times of need . Samantha gets dressed and begins to face another day , putting the previous thoughts out of her head for now . The day goes by uneventful , as any other Saturday would . She enjoyed her times with friends and her children throughout the day . Now the day is over and the children are asleep for the night . Unfortunately , Samantha can 't seem to get to sleep . She also recalls how he has offered his shoulder to cry on and a compassionate ear whenever she has needed one . Her other friend , Donald , comes to mind . She again thinks of how he 's troubled in life and how she has tried to pull him through his times of need , and then William , and Vicky . She starts to realize that she has been there for all of them . She wonders if this is it , " is this why I 'm here ? " Samantha gets out of bed and gets on her knees and begins to pray . She prays for those in her life : first her children , then William , Chris , Donald and Vicky . She then prays for herself . " Dear Lord , help me understand the things that have happened to me and show me my purpose in life . " She remained on her knees for a few minutes , completely silent , hoping for something , anything . Then she heard it , the most calming and compassionate voice she had ever heard . The voice filled her soul with warmth and peace as she heard it proclaim : " Samantha , your hurt and sorrow is not punishment , but a precious gift . I have provided you with the experiences in life to give you the knowledge and wisdom to help others . You have fulfilled and will continue to fulfill what I have in store for you . For what you seek , you have become . A healer of souls and a guide to my door step for those who have strayed or forsaken me . You cannot begin to replenish or heal lost souls without feeling their past experiences . You question that which is your purpose . You will understand that which is your body is only but a shell and what is inside you will shine brighter than the stars themselves , and you will be better prepared for your task at hand . You will be rewarded in your mortal life and in your everlasting life . Keep your faith and trust in me , for my hand is always upon you . Rise up and accept my gift and continue to help those in need . " " I saw we have one dog and they have four . We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end . We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night . Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon . We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight . We have servants who serve us , but they serve others . We buy our food , but they grow theirs . We have walls around our property to protect us , they have friends to protect them . " The angel was impressed . " Just two hands . . . impossible ! And this is the standard model ? Too much work for one day . . . wait until tomorrow and then complete her . " " I will not " , said the Lord . " I am so close to completing this creation , which will be the favorite of my heart . She cures herself when sick and she can work 18 hours a day . " " Indeed she is ! Woman has strengths that amaze man . She can handle trouble and carry heavy burdens . She holds happiness , love and opinions . She smiles when feeling like screaming . She sings when she feels like crying , cries when she is happy and laughs when she is afraid . She fights for what she believes in . Stands up against injustice . She doesn 't take " no " for an answer , when she can see a better solution . She gives herself so her family can thrive . She takes her friend to the doctor if she is afraid . Her love is unconditional . She cries when her kids are victorious . She is happy when her friends do well . She is glad when she hears of a birth or a wedding . Her heart is broken when a next of kin or friend dies . But she finds the strength to get on with life . She knows that a kiss and a hug can heal a broken heart . Keep your dreams alive . Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself , vision , hard work , determination , and dedication . Remember all things are possible for those who believe . " * If you think that the world means nothing , think again . You might mean the world to someone else . * When it hurts to look back , and you 're scared to look ahead , you can look beside you and your best friend will be there As a young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street , going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar , a brick smashed into the Jag 's side door . The angry driver slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown . He jumped out of the car , grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting , " What was that all about and who are you ? Just what the heck are you doing ? That 's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money . Why did you do it ? " The young boy was apologetic . " Please , mister . . . please , I 'm sorry but I didn 't know what else to do . I threw the brick because no one else would stop . . . " With tears dripping down his face and off his chin , the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car . " It 's my brother , ' he said . " He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can 't lift him up . " Moved beyond words , the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat . He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair , then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts . A quick look told him everything was going to be okay . The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them . The Mexican replied " only a little while " . The American then asked why didn 't he stay out longer and catch more fish ? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family 's immediate needs . The American then asked , " but what do you do with the rest of your time ? " The Mexican fisherman said , " I sleep late , fish a little , play with my children , take siesta with my wife , stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos , I have a full and busy life , senor . " The American scoffed , " I am a Harvard MBA and could help you . You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats , eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats . Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor , eventually opening your own cannery . You would control the product , processing and distribution . You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City , then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise . " " But what then , senor ? " The American laughed and said that 's the best part . When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich , you would make millions . The businessman looked around the vacation villa in Puerto Vallarta . Plain , but clean and well furnished . A good place to grab a few days away from his failing business and troubled marriage . He had brought a large supply of sleeping pills and had requested several bottles of Tequila to be brought to his room . Perhaps he could at least drown a few of his worries . Jim noticed the housekeeper 's slow movements , the stoop in her shoulders , the stubby yellowed teeth . It was somehow comforting to see that other people could be even worse off than he was . Even with his company troubles and impending divorce , Jim was sure he could always find the money to keep his teeth whitened and in good repair - even find the money for the hair transplant he had promised himself . He shivered a little , just thinking about those teeth . The woman shuffled over to him . " Senor , you not look happy . TV dinner not good . I am Maria , I cook . I bring you real food . " " OK , OK . " Jim didn 't want to talk with anyone , and certainly not with this woman . Besides , a taco might be better than microwave food - if it showed up on his table . The bustling in the kitchen brought Jim out of the depths of his hangover . It hadn 't been a really big night - less than a whole bottle of booze , and none of the sleeping pills - he might want to take those all at once . Still , he felt really lousy , and resented the intrusion . The bedside clock showed 12 : 30 as Maria opened the curtains and sunlight poured in . The enticing smells of spicy meat and corn filled the villa . Maria stood over him , offering a plate of tamales . " Senor , eat . You feel better . " Maria moved the nearly empty plate to the kitchen counter . " You were hungry . Get a nice hot bath . I come back , " and she moved toward the door . The next afternoon , Chiles Rellenos appeared . Jim had drunk less the second night , and was even more appreciative of the good food . Again , Maria would not accept payment . At exactly 7 PM , there was a knock on the door . Jim followed Maria into the warm twilight . They walked silently through the tourist area , then turned sharply down an alley . They emerged into a neighborhood of partially finished stucco dwellings . Iron reinforcing rods spiked the tops of the unfinished verticals . Plastic sheeting substituted for glass in the unfinished windows . Maria led Jim to one of the unfinished stairways and began to climb . Opening a door on the fourth floor , Maria smiled at Jim and beckoned him to enter . The walls and floor were bare except for small rugs and weavings that combined bright reds , oranges , and yellows . A small sofa and a few chairs lined the walls , one of which honored an oversized Madonna - with - child picture featuring a dark - skinned Mary . The small room was dominated by a long plank table covered with food and surrounded by a dozen happy - looking eaters of all shapes and ages - newborns to nineties . The delicious smells welcomed Jim . Leading Jim to the table , Maria introduced him to her family , saying , " I am rich . I have my family . Where there is love , nothing is missing . My family is now your family . " Two men , both seriously ill , occupied the same hospital room . One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour a day to drain the fluids from his lungs . His bed was next to the room 's only window . The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back . The men talked for hours on end . They spoke of their wives and families , their homes , their jobs , their involvement in the military service , where they had been on vacation . And every afternoon when the man in the bed next to the window could sit up , he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window . The man in the other bed would live for those one - hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the outside world . The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake , the man had said . Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats . Lovers walked arm in arm amid flowers of every color of the rainbow . Grand old trees graced the landscape , and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance . As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail , the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene . One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by . Although the other man could not hear the band , he could see it in his mind 's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words . Unexpectedly , an alien thought entered his head : Why should hehave all the pleasure of seeing everything while I never get to see anything ? It didn 't seem fair . As the thought fermented , the man felt ashamed at first . But as the days passed and he missed seeing more sights , his envy eroded into resentment and soon turned him sour . He began to brood and found himself unable to sleep . He should be by that window - and that thought now controlled his life . Late one night , as he lay staring at the ceiling , the man by the window began to cough . He was choking on the fluid in his lungs . The other man watched in the dimly lit room as the struggling man by the window groped for the button to call for help . Listening from across the room , he never moved , never pushed his own button which would have brought the nurse running . In less than five minutes , the coughing and choking stopped , along with the sound of breathing . Now , there was only silence - - deathly silence . The following morning , the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths . When she found the lifeless body of the man by the window , she was saddened and called the hospital attendant to take it away - - no words , no fuss . As soon as it seemed appropriate , the man asked if he could be moved next to the window . The nurse was happy to make the switch and after making sure he was comfortable , she left him alone . Slowly , painfully , he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look . Finally , he would have the joy of seeing it all himself . He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed . It faced a blank wall . The pursuit of happiness is a matter of choice . . . it is a positive attitude we consciously choose to express . It is not a gift that gets delivered to our doorstep each morning , nor does it come through the window . And I am certain that our circumstances are just a small part of what makes us joyful . If we wait for them to get just right , we will never find lasting joy . The pursuit of happiness is an inward journey . Our minds are like programs , awaiting the code that will determine behaviors ; like bank vaults awaiting our deposits . If we regularly deposit positive , encouraging , and uplifting thoughts , if we continue to bite our lips just before we begin to grumble and complain , if we shoot down that seemingly harmless negative thought as it germinates , we will find that there is much to rejoice about . The longer I live , the more I realize the impact of attitude on life . Attitude to me , is more important than facts . It is more important than past , than education , than money , than circumstances , than failures , than successes , than what other people think or say or do . It is more important than appearance , gifted ability , or skill . It will make or break a company , a church , a home . The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace from that day . We cannot change our past , we cannot change the fact that people will act in certain way . We cannot change the inevitable . The only thing that we can do is play on the one string that we have and this string is , Attitude . I am convinced that life is ten percent what happens to me and ninety percent how I react to it . And so it is with you . . . . We are in charge of our Attitudes . Among the doctors who were confronted with infant mortality daily was Dr . Fritz Talbot of the Children 's Clinic in Dusseldorf . Dr . Talbot had uncommon success in dealing with sick children . For many years , as he made his rounds , he would be followed from ward to ward by groups of interns seeking new ways of handling children 's diseases . . One such intern was Dr . Joseph Brennermann , who told this story . " Many times we would come across a child for whom everything had failed . For some reason the child was hopelessly wasting away . When this would happen , Dr . Talbot would take the child 's chart and scrawl some indecipherable prescription . In most of the cases , the magic formula took effect and the child began to prosper . My curiosity was aroused and I wondered if the famous doctor had developed some new type of wonder drug . " ' Old Anna , ' she said . Then she pointed to a grandmotherly woman seated in a large rocker with a baby on her lap . The nurse continued : ' Whenever we have a baby for whom everything we could do had failed , we turn the child over to Old Anna . She has more success than all the doctors and nurses in this institution combined . ' " Looking up , he said , " Daddy , may I borrow $ 10 . 00 please ? " The father was furious . " If the only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense , then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed . Think about why you 're being so selfish . I work long , hard hours everyday and don 't have time for such childish games . " The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door . " I 've been thinking , maybe I was too hard on you earlier , " said the man . " It 's been a long day and I took my aggravation out on you . Here 's that $ 10 . 00 you asked for . " The little boy sat straight up , beaming . " Oh , thank you daddy ! " he yelled . Then , reaching under his pillow , he pulled out some more crumpled up bills . The man , since the boy already had money , started to get angry again . The little boy slowly counted out his money , then looked up at the man . God said : " When I made the woman she had to be special . I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world , yet gentle enough to give comfort . I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children . I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up , and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining . I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances , even when her child has hurt her very badly . I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart . I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife , but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly . And finally , I gave her a tear to shed . This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed . " Everything happens for a reason . Nothing happens by chance or by means of good or bad luck . Illness , injury , love , lost moments or true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of the soul . The people you meet who affect your life and successes and downfalls you experience , they are the ones who create who you are . Even the bad experience can be learned from . . . Those lessons are the hardest and probably the most important ones . Make every day count . Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can , for you may never be able to experience it again . Talk to people you have never talked to before , and actually listen , let yourself fall in love , break free and set your sights high . You can make of your life anything you wish . Create your own life and then go out and live it . This is from an old story , back in the ' 30s , in the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less . A 10 year - old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table . A waitress put a glass of water in front of him . The waitress brought the ice cream , put the bill on the table and walked away . The boy finished the ice cream , paid the cashier and left . When the waitress came back , she began to cry . As she wiped down the table , there placed neatly beside the empty dish were two nickels and five pennies . You see , he couldn 't have the sundae because he had to have enough money to leave her a tip . A man found a cocoon of a butterfly . One day a small opening appeared . He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole . Then it seemed to stop making any progress . It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could , and it could go no further . Neither happened ! In fact , the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings . It never was able to fly . There was a story of a little girl named Liza who was suffering from a disease and needed blood from her five - year - old brother , who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness . The doctor explained the situation to her little brother , and asked the boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister . I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying , Yes , I 'll do it if it will save Liza . As the transfusion progressed , he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled , as we all did , seeing the color returning to her cheeks . Then his face grew pale and his smile faded . He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice , " Will I start to die right away ? " Being young , the boy had misunderstood the doctor ; he thought he was going to have to give her all his blood . Don 't frown . You never know who is falling in love with your smile . What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who made you cry ? NOBODY IS PERFECT UNTIL YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH THEM . Everything is okay in the end . If it 's not okay , then it 's not the end . |
A picture of my brother Chris and I . The picture was taken in 1971 . I was 16 years old and my brother was 15 yearss old . My family and I were living at an apartment hotel on O ' Connor Street . My parents had just sold the house at 87 Clearview and we were waiting to move into our new condo which was still being built which was at 158A McArthur at 87 Clearview Ave to an apartment hotel on O ' Connor St near Cooper St . in downtown Ottawa . What astounds me is that my parents never asked us if we wanted to move , and there was no discussion about it with us kids at home . My parents never asked us our opinion about anything that involved us . My mom gave away my vanity set from my bedroom without asking me . I liked to sit and see the three mirrors and you could see hundreds of yourself in that mirror . My mon gave away my first walking doll and my barbie dolls too without asking me . I felt violated by that . Those things belonged to me . Mom and Dad had a real estate agent show the house to a few people . The house was so beautiful , it sold quickly . I did not want to leave all of my friends At the apartment hotel , Chris and I had to share a small bedroom . I didn 't like that as I wanted my privacy . We were in a street level apartment next to where the tenants parked their cars and I could smell the exhaust of the cars everyday . I had a cute little figure , I was slim . One day as I was walking downtown with my brother , a bunch of city cleaners looked at me and my new hairdo and said " what do you have in your hair , a rat 's nest " ? I felt to awful I had a new haircut and I had it cut shorter . I was not into the drug culture . I was naive . new friends as I was shy then . Chris would be going to the same high school too . I missed my friends at Champlain High who were Nancy Benoit , Leigh McGuire and Christine . I went to Maureen Villeneuve 's wedding in 1971 . She was a fellow Baha ' i and a friend of Doris 's . Chris and I went to the wedding held in a house off Byron Ave . pant suit . Marvin H . a Jewish man was there . He was a student at Queen 's Unveristy in Economics . Marvin was tall and thin and wore glasses . We started to talk to one another as if we had known each other for a lifetime . We got along well . Marvin H . was a gentle soul . I would spend lots of time with Marvin in his room . Marvin was my first boyfriend and my first love . Marvin was real special . He would smoke a pipe and then he would play Leonard Cohen 's song " Suzanne " . We would laugh and talk all day and then take long walks along Elgin Street and down to the Rideau Canal . We were in love . Marvin would be reading a dictionary and quizz me to see if I knew these long words that he always used in his speech . Marvin was an Marvin had broken off with his former girlfriend with who he had an open relationship with . I did not understand the concept of ' an open relationship ' so Marvin bought me a book . I told him I did not want that type of relationship . Marvin did not like my dad at all . He found him very demanding and stern and cold . Marvin and dad did not see eye to eye . Mom was indifferent to Marvin . attractive couple who would be very well dressed . Mom would be dressed in her finest clothes and she is really beautiful . She looks twenty years younger . In her family all of the women look younger . Mom would take care of her hair and nails too . Dad looked after himself with exercise . offish and cold and speak very little to you . He always kept his distance from people being the extrovert and loner that he is . He would be polite most times The three weeks I spent with my mom in Portugal were wonderful . It was if she was a different person . She was happy and relaxed and we got along well . I shall treaure those memories with my mom because she was so nice to be around , it was unbelievable you could say . We sure had lots of fun . In the past I never saw her so happy for that long without lashing at someone or something . free to be herself . I think my dad and mom were mismatched as partners . Mom did not like being bossed by dad and vice versa . I believed if Mom was not pregnant with me , she would not have married my dad but probably someone else . Mom was pretty and could have any had any man she wanted . Mom and dad are still together believe it or not and it has been 53 years . I have not seen my parents since 1993 . My parents did not want to deal with the past and acknowledge the abuse towards my brother and I . My parents would only talk about the past and present . My parents have never tried to make amends or compensate me for the severe abuse that I have suffered in my childhood which still affects me to this day . I have a severe case of Post Trauma Stress Disorder . My brother and I went to a lawyer in the 90s trying to bring my parents to civil court to press for damages but the court case was too expensive and we had drop our case . We were both on disability pensions from the Ontario government and still are . We live on meagre pensions and the one of the disabilities we both have is Post Trauma Stress Disorder as a result of the severe childhood abuse we suffered as a child from both my mom and dad . I feel angry inside that my parents would not face what they had done to my brother and I and faced up to their responsibilites to be accountable to us . I never had a relationship with my parents . My parents never nutured us or gave us any love . My parents had poor parenting skills and they were both immature , selfish and mean . My parents should never had had any children . Some people are not made out to be parents . Why ? It is still painful to discuss these things with people because some of them don 't understand what I am talking about . To those of you who had a relatively good childhood , you are so lucky , because I did not have one . My childhood was a war zone where I felt like I was soldier waiting for anything to happen to me that was bad . And my enemy were my parents who were supposed to love me and nuture me . Giving me the best of clothes , food and trips was not all that I needed . Love to a child is everything . It makes them feel wanted , loved and cherished . I wanted my parents to make me feel like I was special to them . I grew up with very low self esteem and did not know what boundaries were because my boundaries were always being violated . I did not realize that I had a right to say and awareness on how to stop someone from abusing me . I did not learn to be assertive until I was in my mid 30s . I allowed people to abuse me , use me , and walk all over me . I now can stand up to people and tell them how I feel . No one walks over me today . I won 't allow them to . I know what boundaries are and I let people know when they are crossing the line . My dad drove me and mom to Montreal to take our flight to Portugal . We got on a big jetliner with only about 30 people on it . I looked down when we were up in the sky and asked my mother if the puffy things outside were snow capped windows . Mom replied " no they are clouds " I was able to sleep on three seats and raise the arm rests . There was some turbulence but not too much . It was a long ride . The plane refuelled in the Azores . We finally landed in Lisbon , Portugal 's capital city . The airport was big . There were double decker buses and small coffee and pastry shops all over . People took their time when the walked . People had on coats . Mom and I found the temperature mild and only wore a sweater . Mom and I wore the 70s new fashion called " the hot pants " I had A young handsome Italian man who worked for an airline was in the one of the rooms on our floor . He stopped me and spoke pretty good English . One day he asked me to come into his room to show me some pictures and he quickly closed th door and threw me onto the bed and I told him calmly " don 't do anything to me and let me go now or I am going to scream so everyone will hear " . He got me off the bed and said he was sorry . I forgave him . delicious . I loved their breads and wine . My mom allowed to have one glass of wine with some of our meals . Mom treated me so well on our trip for three The Italian young man took me to some of the parks in Lisbon . He treated me nicely after that one bad incident Ihad with him earlier in the hotel . Maybe it took someone to put him in his place , I guess he respected me for it . He was very cordial and told me all about being a crew member on the airlines . He would travel from city to city all over the world and he liked that . One day he told he had to leave Lisbon so I went with him in taxi to the airport . He gave me his address and then hugged and said goodbye . I did write to him when I got back home . He turned out to be a real nice guy after all . mom to see some Lisbon sights . I spent a week in Lisbon too short of a time for me , if I had had my way I would have liked to have lived there . People do not rush in Lisbon . People relax and take their time and talk to everyone . Sometimes swaying their bodies in disagreement with each other . It was like an out of control dance between the both of them . I laughed and then I saw the two men wave goodbye as they had resolved their differences . I have a firey temper at times too . I am part Poruguese and I am a very emotional person too . I use my hands when I talk and I can get very excitable if I am angry or agitated . Mom and I went up this one long and high street and then we went down in a straw basket pulled my a man . It was lots of fun . I loved the pastries and coffee After we spent a week in Lisbon , off to the Lisbon airport mom and I went . We took a plane to the Portugal province of Algarve , the southern most tip of the country . We had to take a very long taxi ride to get to the new resort that was built there . It had 300 rooms and only 30 guests . The resort was lovely and next to the ocean . The resort had their own built in the ground swimming pool . The manager of the hotel was German . We met some of the tourists staying at the resort . Some were from the States and some from Europe . We sat in the dinning room the first night to have our meal . At the next table was an overweight man in his forties . He looked very friendly . He was sitting all alone . Mom invited him to our table and he felt was happy to do so . Bill was his name . He metioned he was teacher and asked him what type of teacher and he said he was university professor at Queen 's . We made fast friends will Bill . He was such a nice man . Bill had rented a car while he was in Algarve and asked Mom and I to go along to do some sightseeing and we did . The and spend Christmas at home . There was no snow at all and the ocean water was lukewarm . One day I walked along the ocean front alone and then a young manager who was German . I was taking German in high school , so we both sang the song " Oh Tanenbaum " . There was a little artifical Christmas tree and few lights and ornaments on the tree . We had to leave Algarve and then were on our way to Madeira . Maderia ia a small island off the coast of Africa that belongs to Portugal . The plane had to make a short and efficient landing as the airport was located close to a cliff . We got out of the plane and took a taxi to our hotel . Madeira was the most beautiful place I have ever seen . It had lots of mountains and lots of big red flowers that opened us as if to greet you . The local people were so nice , I feel in love with Maderia . We had many courses of food in one night , the first course was fish which I did not like . Mom ate sturgeon , swordfish and a lot of different varieties of fish . We would walk on the streets at night and it was safe . We saw local police and sometimes asked them for directions using our Portuguese phrase books and brochure of where we wanted to go . We had supper one night in a small restaurant . There were flamingo dancers wearing colorful long flowing shirts with a white blouse and the men were wearing black pants and nicely colored jacket and they would dance around in circles and a band would be playing . The music and the dancing was wonderful . It was New Years ' Eve and we had a big party in our hotel . I wore my nicest hot pants and did up my hair and put on my makeup . I looked really beautiful that night . One of the young men came over and started to ask me to dance and I did for hours with him . I loved to dance and he did too . like me , I can 't have enough clothes . I have lots of clothes at home . I have some fancy clothes to wear if I go somewhere nice but that is not too often . I can 't afford to go out to somewhere where the food is expensive and have a good meal . We left Madeira and headed off to Lisbon again for one more week . I love Lisbon it is such a beautiful city . People show their emotions and are lively and not reserved at all . I did want to leave Lisbon but I had too and I was sad when I boarded my plane back home to Canada . Portugal was a very different place … We arrived at the Montreal airport and dad had just left . We missed each other , so mom and I had to wait for a bus to take us back to Ottawa . I was so tired from the jetlag that I fell asleep at the bus depot seat and did not wake up until mom told me to board the bus and I did . Dad and Chris were happy to see us . We had souvenirs for them … . Marvin was happy to see me too . I gave him a souvenir as well . It was culture shock coming back to Ottawa . Ottawa was and still is a very quickly paced city . People walk quickly , don 't often look you in the eye as they are too preoccupied . The life here is a fast paced life , in Lisbon everyone takes their time , they are never in a hurry . Dad and Chris had moved into the new condominium at 158A McArthur Road , apt 1710 in Vanier , Ontario . Our two bedroom apartment was on the l7th floor . I had to share a very small bedroom with my brother and I did not like that , I wanted my own room . I was going to be seventeen and what teenage girl wants to share a room with their brother at that age , I think not . It created tension for me . apartments where I lived . She was a thin and petite woman with shoulder length hair . He had a daughter that was about 8 years old . She was dating one of the executive staff of the local garbage company . He was married . He and her would got to Montreal where he showed her with the best of everything . He had a taxi who worked at Stats Canada at Tunney 's pasture as a statistician . I did his housework and after a few months I started to date him . He was good to me They were a nice couple and I introduced them to my mom and dad . Mom invited them for supper . Sayed and I and his Aussie friends went to Montreal one day and we stayed overnight . Mom took and fit but I assured her I had a separate room that night . I lied . never seen any type of abuse at all in her life . Mom yelled at me " I feel like throwing you off the balcony right now " . I lived on the l7th floor . Christine I called Marvin my bofriend and he lent me some money to go to Montreal for the day . I did not know but there was a all points bulletin in Canada issued by the police . The police all over Canada were looking out to try to find me . Mom called the police and told them I was missing . I called the police from Hull one day and told them I was fine and I would not be going home . When they asked where I was living I quickly hung up the phone . I stayed with Christine and her brother . When their parents got back from Florida I was homeless and had no where to go . I was missing lots of my high school classes and the school psychologist asked me to come into the office to visit her and I did . someone in Emergency . I was anxious and nervous and was homeless and had no where safe to go to and no one to run to who would help me in family . I did not want to tell my relatives because of what my mom might do to me if she found out and Sue had a crush on each other . He and Sue corresponded with other after Sue got home from Canada . Joaquim said he might have had to fight in Angola . Above is a picture of Sue and her boyfriend Sayed Shelbaya taken at 158A McArthur Road . Sayed lived on the llth floor of this building . Sue was l7 years old and Sayed was 33 years old . He worked at Statistics Canada at Tunney 's pasture in Ottawa as a Statistician . He is married now . Dad and Chris had moved into the new condominium at 158A McArthur Road , apt 1710 in Vanier , Ontario . Our two bedroom apartment was on the l7th floor . I had to share a very small bedroom with my brother and I did not like that , I wanted my own room . I was going to be seventeen and what teenage girl wants to share a room with their brother at that age , I think not . It created tension for me . apartments where I lived . She was a thin and petite woman with shoulder length hair . He had a daughter that was about 8 years old . She was dating one of the executive staff of the local garbage company . He was married . He and her would got to Montreal where he showed her with the best of everything . He had a taxi who worked at Stats Canada at Tunney 's pasture as a statistician . I did his housework and after a few months I started to date him . He was good to me They were a nice couple and I introduced them to my mom and dad . Mom invited them for supper . Sayed and I and his Aussie friends went to Montreal one day and we stayed overnight . Mom took and fit but I assured her I had a separate room that night . I lied . never seen any type of abuse at all in her life . Mom yelled at me " I feel like throwing you off the balcony right now " . I lived on the l7th floor . Christine I called Marvin my bofriend and he lent me some money to go to Montreal for the day . I did not know but there was a all points bulletin in Canada issued by the police . The police all over Canada were looking out to try to find me . Mom called the police and told them I was missing . I called the police from Hull one day and told them I was fine and I would not be going home . When they asked where I was living I quickly hung up the phone . I stayed with Christine and her brother . When their parents got back from Florida I was homeless and had no where to go . I was missing lots of my high school classes and the school psychologist asked me to come into the office to visit her and I did . someone in Emergency . I was anxious and nervous and was homeless and had no where safe to go to and no one to run to who would help me in family . I did not want to tell my relatives because of what my mom might do to me if she found out held the Whitney wards 3 , 4 , and 5 . Whitney 4 ward was the two floors above the ground floor where the entrance is . The ground floor was floor 2 . Whitney 4 is where I was first admitted to at the Royal Ottawa Hospital , my first psychiatric hospitalization . The Whitney Building was torn down last year in 2006 to be replaced with the new building which is called the Royal Ottawa Mental Health Center . I was first admitted to the Royal Ottawa Hospital ( ROH ) in 1972 . I had run away from home because I was being mentally and physically abused by mother . I had bad nerves as I was homeless and had no money and had no one to run to so I could be safe and the high school psychologist suggested I go to the ROH to see someone and I did . Dr . Arboleda - Florez who saw me in the Emergency ward . He asked that I come into the hospital to stay for a few days to settle my nerves . I did not know anything about psychiatry . I was only 17 years old and naive . I did not know of any social agencies to help me as my parents were in an upper middle class income . I never wanted for anything material . I have been free of psychiatry since 1990 . I have not taken any psychiatric medication nor have I been admitted to any psychiatric ward or hospital and I do not see a psychiatrist . Since 1990 I have been seeing alternative therapists . Though slated for closure in 1999 , the ongoing need for mental health services has meant that the Brockville Mental Health Centre ( BPH ) in Ontario continues to operate as a psychiatric teaching facility , affiliated with the University of Ottawa and Queen 's University . The campus provides forensic psychiatry treatment for 100 Ontario Correctional inmates , and 59 long - term care forensic patients . It also provides a wide range of inpatient and outpatient services to approximately 1 , 300 patients in Eastern Ontario . Sue Clark was a patient there from March - September 1973 . Sue Clark was l7 years old when she was admitted to BPH . Sue was transferred to BPH from the Royal Ottawa Hospital in March 1973 . ECT was discontinued for Sue after that . Sue suffers from permanent memory loss and has difficulty learning new things as a result of having had ECT . Prior to ECT Sue had a good memory and had no learning difficulties . In the summer of 1993 , people in Ontario were shocked by one of the most bizarre murders in the province 's history . A patient at the Brockville psychiatric hospital was brutally killed in a forest grove on the grounds of the institution . One of the killers , a nearly blind psychiatric patient , walked into a nearby police station and turned himself in . The other murderer lay near the body in a sleeping bag , drugged into unconsciousness . Police found that the myopic suspect is one of the Canada 's most dangerous killers , David Michael Krueger . His accomplice was Bruce Hamill , a murderer who had been freed after years of treatment at Penatanguishene 's Oak Ridge Institution for the criminally insane . Brockville hospital authorities had let Hamill escort Krueger on his first day pass in thirty - five years . How could this killing have happened ? The bizarre story of Krueger 's life unfolds in this tightly - written book . It explores how Krueger allowed his strange fantasies to run his own life and how he was able to dupe psychiatrists , lawyers , and fellow inmates of the country 's toughest institution into doing his bidding I recall the day I was admitted to the Brockville Psychiatric Hospital . It was in May of 1973 . The ambulance attendants were transferring me from the Royal Ottawa Hospital . The ambulance approached the gigantic hospital . The vehicle stopped in front of an old grey stone building . Ward H was awaiting me . The attendants escorted me into the main admission area of the building which was situated on the ground floor . A nurse came out of a room and thanked the ambulance attendants . The nurse told me to sit down and place my box of belongings on the floor . I sat on an old oak chair . The nurse asked me my name and started searching the box . I asked the nurse , " What are you doing ? " The nurse turned around to me and stated , " This is a standard procedure here . When new patients are admitted , we examine their belongings to see if they have scissors or razor blades , anything sharp that they can use to harm themselves " . She continued her search . The nurse then asked me to follow her downstairs . We walked down a dimly lit underground tunnel . The tunnel had a wide yellow stripe down the middle of the floor . It was a long and winding tunnel with signs denoting the wards . The nurse took me into a large room along the tunnel . As I walked into the room I saw a man sitting at a desk surrounded by photography equipment . The nurse sat on a chair as I looked about the room . want to take my picture ? " . The photographer looked at me and stated " We take pictures of all new patients being admitted to the hospital . If you escaped from the hospital we could call the police and they could The nurse returned me to the Grey stone building . We took a small elevator up to Ward H . The nurse knocked on a wooden door that was locked . A petite nurse opened the door . " This is a new patient . Her name is Suzanne Legare . She was transferred here from the Royal Ottawa Hospital " the nurse said . The petite nurse motioned for me to follow her . " Suzanne , I 'm going to show you to your room . Bring the box with you . I entered a room with two beds . I was instructed to take the bed next to the wall . The nurse left the room . I went to a window that had a thick steel mesh screen on it . As I looked outside I could see a large area of vast green grass . I saw large oaks trees , benches , and picnic tables . I saw many Grey stone buildings adjoined to each other . Some people were walking and some people were sitting down . A few cars went by . All of a sudden I heard a voice yell " Medication time everyone " . I went out of my room and saw many people standing in a long line . A heavy set nurse was standing in front of the line with a steel cart with wheels . On the cart were two pitchers and little paper containers with lots of different colored pills . I waited in line until it was my turn . As I approached the cart , the nurse smiled and said " Hi , Suzanne my name is Terry . Here is your medication . We call the medication ' happy pills " . Take some juice and swallow these " . I did what she instructed me to do . I then walked down the corridor . I noticed the ward was co - ed . As I walked around the ward I passed by a room that had a wooden door that was locked . There was a small window in the middle of the door . I looked through the window and saw it was bare . There was no furniture and the walls had nothing hanging on them . I wondered to myself what that room was being used for . I then walked over to the t . v . room . I saw some people who had fallen asleep and their heads were drooping onto their chests . Some patients had a blank cold stare as they stared at the walls as if staring into space . Other patients were smoking cigarettes . There was a black and white t . v . in the room . The local news was on . I heard a staff member holler down the corridor to us " Lunch is ready " . I followed my peers into a huge room . I sat down at a long table . At the back of the room was a cafeteria style set - up . I lined up to get my lunch . A middle aged woman dressed in a white uniform and apron served me . I put soup and a sandwich on my tray and walked over to my table . An obese woman smiled at me and said " Hi , my name is Louise . I am your roommate . What is your name ? " I told her who I was . Louise started to talk about her hospital stay at the local general hospital the night before . " Suzanne , I got back here to Ward H this morning . I saw you coming onto this ward . I swallowed a few toothbrushes last night . The staff found out because I told another patient and she squealed on me . Then the staff on duty last night sent me to the emergency ward at the local hospital . They took an x - ray of my stomach and saw four toothbrushes . " I was shocked by what she said and just nodded my head . I looked around the room and saw a man cleaning dirty trays off into a big plastic garbage pail . A staff member counted the dirty silverware and said in a Ward H was a terrifying place . I did not trust most of the staff on the ward . My fellow patients were kind and we looked out for each other . The dangerous people I felt were the staff not my peers . It was like a brotherhood and sisterhood on the ward . We taught the new patients who tolook out for ( meaning the staff ) and to get to know the ropes on the ward . For example , we told each other how not to swallow the pills and putthem under our tongue . I got away with this stunt for months . I was so hyper and agitated on the ward that I was given the long black jelly pills called sleeping pills . I would take two of those pills and they wouldn 't put knock me out for hours . Our rooms had no doors but a wall going halfway up . We had a curtain to pull across the makeshift wall . No privacy at all . There was a thick steel mesh on our windows . The door to the ward H was locked . The hallways were in a L shape . You got off at the elevator and then turned right to the locked ward and knocked on the door to the entrance of the ward . As you walked onto ward H , to the left was the men 's bedrooms and to the right were the women 's bedrooms . In the center of the long hallway was a small nurses ' office with a door that went half way up . As you went past the women 's bedrooms , you would enter another hallway that was shorter . To the left were a few small rooms , one of which was used for group therapy and one used for the medical students to use like the psychologist etc . To the right of this short hallway was a big recreation room that had an enclosed balcony overlooking the entrance to the building . The recreation room had an old record player and old records . There was a ping pong table . There were some tables and chairs . We had board games and cards . Most of my peers would congregate there everyday and we would sit and talk about everything under the sun . Some would complain about the hospital staff and the hospital food , some would complain about their medications and that it they didn 't like taking it . Some people would sit there stoned faced and stare up at the walls . My peers generally looked very depressed and sad with a look of having no hope in sight for them . This image sears into my memory and makes me sad knowing how psychiatry that locked me and my peers up . Losing your freedom is an awful and painful experience . Having to ask permission to go off the ward to go for a walk . Hearing the door lock behind you as you enter the ward . We had to take public showers a few times a week . I was told to stand in line at the two shower stalls with no curtains , and come in disrobed with no clothes on in front of my other naked female peers . I had just gained 30 pounds and I was already self conscious . I had to stand there stark naked . It was the most humiliating experience of my life that still affects me to this day . I used to cry before going into the shower room . My peers would stare at the floor or look up to the ceiling trying not to look at each other and give some type of respect to each other in that controlled environment . I believe the staff were trying to break down our spirit . They did not succeed in doing that to me . I yelled at them and told them what I thought about the public showers . The staff would increase my medications to shut This is what the Brockville hospital looked like from the outside . You 'd pass by the highway and you would see a vast area of grass with buildings in the background . There were benches on the grounds and I would wave to public as they drove by . The area had huge oak and maple trees . A tennis court was visible from the highway . As you drove into the hospital grounds , you would see the staff wearing white and the We were given privileges . Privileges were earned . For example , a new patient would be restricted to the ward . Let 's call this privilege number one . Privilege number two would be being allowed to go for a walk with the staff . Privilege number three would be being allowed to go for a walk alone . Privilege number four would be being allowed to off the grounds . Privilege number five would be being allowed to go away from the hospital for the weekend . Some ward were " token " wards . Patients were given tokens ( points ) for getting up , some Some of my peers had different problems . I had many roommates during my six months on Ward H . Louise as you read in chapter one would swallow toothbrushes . My other roommate called Amanda was a young girl about l5 years old . She would scream sometimes as she walked down the co - ed ward and then suddenly take off all her clothes and then run down the hallway . The staff would run after her with a sheet to cover her up , and Amanda would kick and scream as the staff tried to subdue her . Another patient on my ward named Carole was developmentally disabled . She had her room at the end of the hallway on the other side of the corridor . Her door was locked at nights . She would sit at her door and pound her head against the door all night screaming " let me out , let me out " . Carole would cry all night . I was terrible to hear her screaming and crying every night . I wished I had had a key to let her out . Louise would try to hit the staff at times . The staff would put Louise into the " quiet " room on the ward . The quiet room was in the middle of the mens ' corridor . The door had a small window where someone could look in . The door was always locked . One day as I walking by the mens ' corridor , a few of my male peers were crowded around the quiet room door . I said to them " what is going on , what are you looking at ? The men pulled away from the door to let me see what they were looking at . I was in shock as I looked into the door window . Louise was naked and dancing all around the small room . There was no furniture in the room except for a mattress on the floor . I did not see Louise 's clothes anywhere . I moved back from the window and went up to one of the nurses and said to her " why is Louise in that room with no clothes on ? " The nurse looked me into my eyes with an angry scrowl on her face and said " she got out of hand " . I felt so bad for Louise I did not who to call or what to do . I felt helpless on this ward . It was then that I realized we the patients had no human rights . The ward was a terrifying place to be . I wanted to leave right away . As you walked into our building , you took the elevator up to the second floor . Once you got off the elevator you would turn right and about l0 feet away from the entrance door to Ward H . My ward . You would knock on the door until a staff member would open the door for you . The door was locked behind you . The ward corridor was long . To the left of the entrance door was the mens ' dorm , and to the left was the womens ' dorm . The womens ' washroom had three stalls with no locks on the door . We had a little sink with cold and very hot boiling water . We would drink isntant coffee at night with the hot boiling water from the sink tap . By the sink was a tiny window overlooking to the immediate left of the hospital grounds . You could see a long road and a few houses outside the window . Our rooms had a small night table with wheels . We had vinyl mattreses and pillows . I remember one morning when I sharing my room with a girl named Amanda . She pulled out of my bed by the hair and pulled onto the floor in a few seconds . I was sleeping like a baby when she terrorized me . The staff grabbed Amanda and put her into the quiet room . Amanda and I got along well . I don 't know why she did this to me . She frightened me to death . My scalp hurt as she yanked out some of my hair by the roots . On another day , I remember a patient named Betty who lived in Brockville . Her husband had left her . Betty had a nervous breakdown as a result and landed up on Ward H . As I recall , I can still hear her sobbing loudly all night . A male nurse named Mr . Shannon talked to her and tried to console her all throught he night . Her sobbing was heart wrenching . I started to smoke cigarettes on the ward . The hospital would give us tobacco . The tobacco was strong tasting . My peers would roll my cigarettes for me . I was given a job at the hospital as a recreation assistant . I help the elderly patients on the wards daily for 25 cents an hour . Every morning I would arrive at 9 a . m . at a geriatric ward . The Polka Dot Door tv show was on as the elderly patients were sitting around the tables watching the tv show . I was told to play board games with the patients . The staff were cold and indifferent to me . I liked working with the elderly patients . I worked for two hours a day and then I returned to Ward H by walking through the hospital tunnel . I then had my lunch and then in the afternoon I would go for walks with some of my peers . One of my peers came from Hungary . He took me under his wing so to speak . He always accompanied me on my walks in the tunnels and outside on the grounds . He was always a gentleman with me . He was in his forties and I was l7 years old . Another male patient about 25 years old . He had blond hair and blue piercing eyes . He was transferred from upstairs from Ward K the Forensic ward . I never knew what forensic meant and never bothered to ask . H would also accompany me around too . These two men became good friends of mine while I was on Ward H . I did not realize at the time that those men took it upon themselves to protecting me . They were protecting me from the danger that lay lurking in the tunnel . patient would be outside the bathroom door as a lookout . If someone came by , the lookout would knock on the locked bathroom door and say " I need to go the washroom " . The male staff would leave the bathroom while the woman would leave later on . I did not know this until a few years ago , and then it became public in the Brockville newspaper . The sex ring at the hospital was then investigated by the local police department . I thank my two male friends on my ward for having protected me while I was in the hospital . They saved me from the horrors in the tunnel . I had been at the hospital for about a month , that would be May of 1973 . The weather outside was starting to warm up and on the wards we had no air conditioning . Our mattresses and pillows were vinyl and I remember sweating alot while I was sleeping . The medications I took had many side effects . I was not allowed to sit in the sun or I would burn into a bright red like a lobster . We were given no sunscreen to wear . I wore a hat to protect me from the sun . I was gaining more and more weight from all the medications and the lack of good nutrition on the ward . We rarely ate fresh fruit . We always were given cakes and cookies for snacks . The food was the regular hospital food that had a bland taste . We had a recreation room at the end of one corridor . There was a record player , a ping pong table , and outdoor covered veranda . I often played the " Deep Purple " record and the " Moody Blues " . One night I wanted to cheer up my peers . We had a stretcher against one wall outside the rec room with clothes on it . I put on about 3 layer of clothes from top to bottom . I walked into the rec room and told everyone , " I am going to shut off the lights tonight , and here is a show for you all " . I dimmed the lights and thenproceeded to simulate a strip tease show . My peers were clapping and said " More , more " . Little did I realize that one of the nurses had just come upon my show . " Turn on the lights everyone , the show is over " . I was angry at having to quit the fun . I said to the nurse " why can 't we just have a little bit of fun around here . You can 't put me away because I am already in the looney bin , eh " . My peers roared with laughter bu the nurse looked at me with her big brown eyes . She walked away in ahuff and a puff . My peers cheered as the nurse was leaving . I guess I have always been a bit of a clown . My clowning around has helped me through some of my darkest hours . During the evening we have no planned activities on the ward . You could watch the local tv shows and I didn 't care to do that . I would play " Crazy Eights " the card game all the time . I became a bit of a champion you could say . We had tournaments . I went for walks with my male friends . One evening , my male friend John from Hungary said to me " Susie , let 's go to town and get a bottle of wine " . I said to John " no way , I can 't do that " . John told me he would go to town and get a bottle of wine and I was to meet him at the little shack on the grounds . So I waited for John . He showed up with a red bottle of wine and some gum . We sat on the floor of the shack and shared the bottle of wine . I said to John " hey , not bad wine " . I took some gum to take away the alcohol smell from my mouth . John had mouthwash with him and I gurgled my mouth with it . John led me into Ward H . He told me to go to bed right away to avoid the staff . I did just that . The next morning I had a hangover for sure . That was the last time John and I shared a bottle of wine on the hospital grounds . One morning , the recreation director came up on the elevator and waslooking for me and some of my peers to go down to his program downstairs in the basement called West OT . Jeff rounded us up and then told us on the way down the elevator " you know Paul the new patient , the big guy who was quiet , well I was walking near the train tracks and I saw his body on the train tracks . A train ran over him . It ruined my breakfast seeing that " . I felt sick to my stomach when I heard the news about Paul . Paul had been on our ward for about a month . He was a tall andoverweight man who wore suspenders with his pants . He was withdrawn and never spoke to anyone . I guessed that Paul had committed suicide . It was a sad day for all of my peers on the ward . The word got around quickly about what happened to Paul that morning . I felt like a prisoner on my ward and I was determined to get out soon . A peer of mine told me that I " had to play the game " . The game was to go along with the psychiatrist and no matter how you were feeling to say " I feel fine doctor , I am ready to go now " . Fake it was the name of the game to get out . I did that and I was going to leave in a few months . My parents , Paul Andre and Theresa and my brother Christian ( Chris ) would come to visit me at the hospital once a month . They drove fromOttawa to Brockville . It was an hours drive and 60 miles from Brockville . My dad had a jeep . My dad would give me $ 5 . 00 for an allowance for the month . He was always cheap that way . My parents never took me outside the hospital to a restaurant or anything in town at Brockville . We went for a walk on the grounds , and went to the cafeteria . My parents and brother were going to Europe for a month . My family took pictures of me at the hospital . I looked forward to seeing my brother Chris and not my parents . I resented my parents for as long as I could remember . The abuse in our home started when I was an infant . I used to walk down the tunnel to go to the library . One day I saw astretcher with a white sheet over it and it terrified me . I asked the orderly " is that a dead body ? " . The orderly nodded " yes , it is , one of the folks from the geriatric ward " . I felt faint at seeing that white sheet on the stretcher . I went to the library and found an escapethrough reading books . It was a small room with lots of books . The librarian was friendly . I recall many years later that a peer of mine had told me she was raped by an orderly in the library after hours . She told the staff on her ward and nothing was done about it . The rape still affects her to this day . I used to go downstairs and down the tunnel to get my hair done one aweek by the hairdressers . There was big room with lots of chairs andmirrors . I felt better when I got my hair done . It gave me a boost that I often needed . The hairdressers were kind and never judged me . I liked to talk and we had many good chats and a few laughs at the hairdressing parlour . We had a few excursions outside the hospital . I remember going to see a play at a Brockville high school called the " South Pacific " . The acting was good . I had a good time and that is one of the few good memories I have from my days of being incarcerated at the Brockville PsychiatricHospital . We had dances in one of the buildings . No booze of course . Someone played records and then you would be asked to dance by one of your peers . I was so heavily medicated at the time I don 't remember the dances very well . I just remember a haze of cigarette smoke over the dance floor and loud music blasting into my ears . A new team of mental health showed up on our ward . There was a newstudent psychologist , and an occupational therapist in training . Thepsychologist had me and some of me peers go into a small room for grouptherapy . You would sit in a circle and then one of my peers was to open up a discussion . Anyone could say anything they wanted . Whenever anyone asked me to speak up , I would just sit there and cry . I would notcommuicate with the group . The male psychologist suggested that I meethim alone in one of the rooms for a one to one session . I agreed as Ithought I had no choice in the matter . The first few sessions , thepsychologist would ask me questions and I would not answer . Finally he said to me " I am going to meet you here every week and I am going to be patient and wait for you to start talking about what is bothering you . There is something bothering you and I want to hear it . You can trust me . " I did finally open up to him and told him about my mother physically and mentally abusing my brother and I since we were infants . I told him that my father beat my mother . We met several times in that room . I believe what I told the psychologist was being passed onto my psychiatrist on the ward to Dr . Louis Sipos . I rarely saw Dr . Sipos for an appointment on the ward . One time I do rememeber going into his office outside the ward entrance door by the elevator . He was a large man with a partly bald head . He had on his desk many little spotted pictures with black dots on a white background . He took a few of these pictures out one by one and asked me to interpret what I saw . This one picture had little black dots all over with no pattern to it . I told Dr . Sipos . " it looks like an artist went wild and threw a black can of paint against a wall " . Dr . Sipos . said " very good Suzanne " . We chatted for a while and then he told to me to leave his office . I didn 't trust Dr . Sipo as it was he who suggested to my family that I have electroconvulsive therapy ( shock treatments ) to cure my depression . I told Dr . Sipos . " I don 't want to have ECT , it would be like frying my brain like an egg in a frying pan " . Dr . Sipos . assured me that the ECT would not damage my brain nor my memory . I did not believe him at all . On the morning I was to have the ECT , I was tired as I did not sleep the night before from being worried about having shock treatment the next morning . I don 't remember this but a peer of mine years later told me who was on the same ward that when the staff came to get me to take me to the room where ECT was given , I kicked and screamed and bit them . The staff had to subdue me . I am not a violent person . I was afraid and I reacted to what I knew was a dangerous procedure . I pushed down on a bed in small room . The ECT machine was a small square steel box with buttons and wires coming out of it . I was given a needle in the arm . I had a rubber stick put in my mouth and then they put this rubber band around my forehead with wires attached to each side of my temples . When I awoke from the ECT , I was put in a wheelchair . I was incoherent . I didn 't remember where I was and who my peers were at first . It took me a few days to remember people 's names on the ward . I couldn 't remember early childhood memories at all . I was given 4 more ECTs on 4 separate days . After the fifth ECT , I was told I would not receive anymore ECTs because I had had a bad reaction duringthe last procedure . I had a memory test done at the Ottawa General Hospital at the Neuropsychology ward in 1995 . The memory test lasted 8 hours . I was told I had a severe memory loss . I never had any other brain trauma to my head except for ECT . I am living proof of the damage that ECT can do to a person . A few years later , I went to college and had to study twice as hard because I could no longer retain information like I used to . I never had any problems learning anything new before I had ECT . I was an average student with average grades who never had to study or do any homework at all as I had a photographic memory like a zerox machine . I read something once and I remembered it . I was afraid all the time on Ward H at the Brockville Psychiatric Hospital . I was leary of the staff . I had to watch my back so to speak . I was on a locked ward and anything could have happened to me . I felt helpless on the locked ward like a caged animal wanting to getout of the cage . The longer you are in the locked ward , the more anxious you get to leave the " hellhole " as I called it . I celebrated my l8th birthday in April in 1973 on Ward H at the Brockville Psychiatric Hospital . What a place to celebrate your l8th birthday is all I can say ! My mother bought me some new clothes as I had gained 30 pounds while I was in the locked ward at the Royal Ottawa Hospital . My parents and my brother would visit me once a month at BPH on a weekend as my dad worked as the director of translation for the Department of Customs and Excise in downtown Ottawa next to the Ottawa Public Library . I could see the yellow jeep pulling up to the parking lot from my hospital bedroomwindow and knew it was my family coming to see me . I did not cry when my parents and brother left . I had no respect for my parents as they had abused me but I have a lot of love for my brother and did not want him to see me cry so I stayed strong and kept in all my emotions . I would go for a walk outside and find a secluded spot and cry . I did not want my peers to see me cry on the ward either . I had too much pride to show my pain to anyone . The comradship on the ward is tight . There is an unspoken rule on theward , don 't snitch on your peers . We knew our lives depended on sticking together for support and protection amongst ourselves . We watched out for each other . I did not want to sleep too long at night on the ward . I did not know what the hospital staff would have in store for me the next morning . I had just received 5 electroshock treatments , ECT or shock treatments as they are called . It was the most terrifying moment of my life when they put you on a white stretcher and tell you to open your mouth as they put a rubber mallet in your mouth and put an elastic tight band on your head and they tell you to " relax " . How in the hell can you relax when these people are going to zap your brains with electricity " ? I was terrified and angry . I bit and kicked the staff before going into the ECT room . I am not a violent person ; I was just reacting to what felt would be abuse and it was . I was scared out my mind as the staff took me into the " ECT room " . Like in the movie " One Who Flew Over the Cuckoo 's Nest " starring Jack Nicholson " that is exactly how the ECT was given to me , it was no different from the way it was portrayed in the movie . I was given an eight hour memory test in 1995 at the Ottawa GeneralNeuropsychology Ward . The outcome of the tests stated that I do have alimited short term memory . Prior to my ECT I had no problems with learning and I could memorize anything with ease and I had to do little studying in school and was second in my class in grade school for 8 years . In high school I was an average student . Now in my day to day tasks , I have to mark everything down and it is not uncommon for me to repeat myself or to forget appointments etc . I have a difficult time to learn anything new . I struggle from day to day living with the after effects of ECT . ECT is making a big comeback as it is given to many elderly women . Approximately 100 , 000 people in the US get ECT and about 10 , 000 people in Canada get ECT yearly . 50 , 000 ECTs are given in the UK yearly . It is estimated that 1 to 2 million people get ECT yearly . One of my friends in Ottawa named Amanda called me one day to inform me that her brother Bob was given his 5th ECT at the Royal OttawaHospital and was in his early forties and had had a heart condition . He wasin his room after the ECT treatment and went into a coma and was thentransferred to the neurology ward at the Ottawa Civic Hospital . He did not come out his coma and then was transferred to the Elizabeth Bruyere Centre in Ottawa which is a long term care facility . Amanda invited me to go with her to visit her brother Bob at the Elizabeth Bruyere Centre in downtown Ottawa . My friend Harry a former lawyer in Ottawa for many years accompanied me . I am glad he did . I needed moral support . We went up the the elevator and walked down the hallway up to Bob 's room . Bob was about 20 feet away from us sitting up in a wheelchair . I felt faint as I approached Bob in knowing that it could have been me in the wheelchair as I had had ECT as well . My heart stopped on my last ECT , my 5th ECT . I was revived . The man in front of me down the hallway in a wheelchair was in a coma . I felt like I was going to throw up as I was so shocked to see him like that and it made my legs shake and feel like they were made of jello . I slowly approached Amanda as she spoke softly to her brother Bob . His eyes were open but he did not respond to us and he did not know we were there . His eyes rolled up and down and all over the place . He kept coughing all the time . He had on a sweater and a pair of pants and he had his a pair of glasses . Bob was in his early forties and was married and had a teenage son . Bob had suffered from depression in the past and that is why he had gone to the Royal Ottawa Hospital . Bob 's wife did not want to take any legal action in regard to Bob 's medical situation . The family feared he may have been treated poorly in the long term care facility if there as an impending lawsuit . We went up to a room where other patients were sitting all around in a circle , some of them singing . Most of the patients were elderly . Some patients , family and friends sang . Bob sat there with no response coming from his face . I did my best to sing but felt so sad and helpless as I looked at Bob . My heart sank to the floor . We stayed for an hour and then I left . I cried on the bus all the way home . It was an experience that made me realize I would work very hard withother psychiatric survivors , their families and friends , supporters andother medial staff and mental health professionals who like me want ECTabolished . There is a worldwide movement that is working together to ban ECT . Bob was in a semi - private room . He was curled up like a ball in his bed on one side . His eyes were open but there was no response . Harry my friend who came with me and who was a former lawyer put in hand in front of Bob 's face . I was shocked that Harry did this . Bob 's eye did not respond to Harry 's gesture . His sister said he could not talk . There were some pictures of Jean before his coma and he was in pictures with his family . He was a good looking man and had a pretty wife . There was a book for visitors to sign and I did sign he book and so did Harry . " Electroshock : Its Brain - Disabling Effects " . Leonard Roy Frank editedJean was in a semi - private room . He was curled up like a ball . His \ u003cbr \ & gt ; eyes were open and but there was no response when his sister said hello . \ u003cbr \ & gt ; He could not talk , he could not respond to his sister and did not \ n \ u003cbr \ & gt ; know we were there visiting him . I was in shock and had to look away . \ u003cbr \ & gt ; It was one of the most terrifying moments in my life looking at a peer \ u003cbr \ & gt ; of mine who was so badly absued by the psychiatric industry . It tooks \ n \ u003cbr \ & gt ; me years to get the courage to write this segment . It stills pains me \ u003cbr \ & gt ; as I recall the two visits to see Jean , the man in the coma from having \ u003cbr \ & gt ; received ECT otherwise known as shock treatments . \ u003cbr \ & gt ; \ u003cbr \ & gt ; One day , Harry a friend of mine who was a former lawyer in Ottawa for \ n \ u003cbr \ & gt ; 30 years , walked up to the Elizabeth Bruyere Centre to see Jean . I had \ u003cbr \ & gt ; told Harry about Jean . Harry went into Jean 's semi private room . \ u003cbr \ & gt ; Harry put his hand in front of Jean 's eyes and there was no response from \ n \ u003cbr \ & gt ; him . Why Harry did this I do not know ? It shocked me though . \ u003cbr \ & gt ; \ u003cbr \ & gt ; To see a man in his prime curled up in bed like a ball and not knowing \ u003cbr \ & gt ; or recongizing anyone who is visiting him is a scary situation if it is \ n \ u003cbr \ & gt ; your first time seeing this . Even though it was my second visit to \ u003cbr \ & gt ; see Jean , I could not stomach seeing him anymore in the future . It made \ u003cbr \ & gt ; me physically ill to my stomach to see this man in this condition . It \ n \ u003cbr \ & gt ; broke my heart and my spirit to some degree for a few months . Nothing \ u003cbr \ & gt ; could break my spirit in the past but this was too much for me at the \ u003cbr \ & gt ; time . \ u003cbr \ & gt ; \ u003cbr \ & gt ; Jean died a few years later from having deteriorated so much \ n \ u003cbr \ & gt ; physically . Gisele told me Jean died and I emotionally shutdown for a month . \ u003cbr \ & gt ; Jean 's coneyes were open and but there was no response when his sister said hello . The nurses 's face turned red and I looked her straight in the eye and told her " I want this abuse to stop or legal action may be taken by the family " . The nurse stammered and said she would look into the matter and then said she would be very surprised if any abuse did occur on Ward H . I stood up and left the little ward office . A nurse opened the ward door and locked it behind me . I heard a ' click ' as the door was locked and then I went down the elevator to the main floor . I told the mother what I had said about her son and the incident that happened to him . The mother was not surprised . I recall one of my peers who I had met many years later in Ottawa . She had been a patient before 1972 at BPH . An orderly took her down to the little library way down in the tunnel and raped her . She told the staff on one of the wards of BPH and no one took her accusations eriously . No one called the police . Nothing was done about it . I was fortunate that two men on my ward took me under their wing to protect me . I was naive and did not know that such things happened in a hospital setting . I was walking down in the tunnel that connected all the ward . You followed the yellow line like in the movie " The Wizard of Oz " follow the yellow brick road . One day out of the blue someone called my name and I turned around and there was my Aunt Theresa . I was stunned and shocked . My aunt was my father 's brother 's Gerry 's wife . My uncle Gerry had some serious emotional problems . Rumour had it he was molesting his teenage daughters , Louise and Diane and he had hookers coming into his home in Ottawa and he was taking pictures of them . Uncle Gerry was a very unstable person and could not keep a job . He took odd jobs and painted Christmas decorations on garage windows and was somewhat of an artist . He had to move frequently as he did not pay the rent and was on the run with is family a lot . |
I talked to mom about it and she agreed to post this for me , you see by the time you read this I will have crossed the Rainbow Bridge . Mom got a little upset while we were talking and I did my best to console her . She asked if she could add a post script to this final post and , of course , I said she could and that I would be honored if she would . It will be nice for you to hear from my mom at this time . If you have a little bit of time , I 'm sure she 'd appreciate a comment or two . Well , here goes . I loved my life and the ones who shared it with me . They were caring and fun to be with . I went on a few adventures with mom and dad . I loved camping with them . We would sit outside the camper and enjoy the outdoors . Those were some of my favorite times . I wish I could have done more of that with them , but I am grateful for the memories we made . I appreciated all the good food and the wonderful care I had over the years . It 's tough getting old and as we age we need more medical attention sometimes . My mom was always keen to my medical needs . She knew when I wasn 't feeling well or when something wasn 't just quite right . I had a wonderful Vet , Dr . Julia Lynn at Kachina Animal Hospital . She , and all those who worked there were fabulous . I loved my dog brothers who went before me ( Taz and Joey ) as well as my cat brother ( Dante ) and cat sister ( Maya ) who I left behind to comfort mom and dad . I hope they are up to the task . Dante was sad when his dog brother , Taz , crossed the bridge . You see , Taz used to clean Dante 's ears all the time , but I think you may already know that . Anyway , after Taz passed , I took up that job . Dante seemed OK with it and we bonded over many an ear - cleaning session . Maya never liked her ears cleaned , but she would occasionally lie on the dog bed with me . She was nice . I enjoyed playing in the snow , even though we didn 't have much in our area . When we did , mom would run around with me out front , throwing snow balls for me to either catch or find . You know , it 's tough to find a snowball after it falls in the snow . Mom took lots and lots of photographs of me . Besides being a Personal Trainer she is somewhat of an amateur photographer . I didn 't really enjoy having my picture taken , but I tolerated it , for mom 's sake . One thing I want to pass on to you is to take lots of photographs , there are no cameras at the Rainbow Bridge . Last but not least , my mom . What can I say about the human who loved me unconditionally and provided for my every need throughout my life with her . I wish we could have found each other sooner , so we would have had more time together , but the time we did share was absolutely wonderful . I love her with all my heart and I hope that someday I will find my way back to her , and she to me . If you recall in an earlier post I talked about us exchanging pieces of our hearts , so we are able to keep each other near , now and in the future . I just wanted to let you all know that I have a piece of mom 's heart with me , something I will cherish always . She has a piece of my heart as well . She said when our hearts beat together we are always together , regardless of time and distance . I like that . I stroked his fur until it no longer felt familiar . I breathed in his scent until it no longer held his essence . I closed my eyes , let the tears fall , and said my last goodbye . Hi , Bear 's mom here . The journey with Bear has been difficult for me but he was strong throughout it , so I did my best to be strong for him as well . Thank you for your care , concern , comments , encouragement , and sharing of stories . I have read all of Bear 's posts and the responses by his many followers . I cannot begin to express my appreciation , and love , for all . I believe Bear wrote about anthropomorphism in his first blog in January of 2017 . He was correct when he told you about my academic writing and how I had to be extremely cautious to avoid anthropomorphizing things that were not human . I succeeded in my academic writings but not in my personal life , but that 's OK , and I would have it no other way . We are all connected in this universe , at a molecular level . Everything in the universe has an essence , that 's what makes them what they are . Bear had that , which is why anthropomorphizing is not applicable to him . He was family and always will be . I have had a number of fur - babies pass through my life ; they never stay long enough . And , although my heart is breaking and a piece has left with Bear , there will be another entering my life in the future . I am sure of it ; and , this new family member will join a heart that is comprised of many , many pieces of those who have passed through on their journey . I don 't know who it will be , when or where , but it will be soon , of that I am sure . Bear started something here that is important and I 'm sure he would want that to continue . I don 't know who will pick it up , perhaps Dante or Maya will begin to express their thoughts , then perhaps another who has yet to join us will take over . Whoever it is , someone will step in . They will never take Bear 's place , but they will add to the essence that remains in our home , the essence of all who have passed through as well as those yet to come . I finished my final scheduled IV chemo treatment on May 2 . The few days afterward were a little rough . Mom had to stay with me to help me get through them . Unfortunately , that meant she missed her most favorite trip , Special Olympics State Competition . I felt bad that she decided to stay home , but I 'm glad she did . I do so much better when mom is with me . She got updates throughout the weekend about Bradshaw Mountain Special Olympics and how they were doing . Apparently , they did very well , most of them having their best scores ( time and distance ) in their events . Josh and Ryan , mom 's pentathletes , beat their scores as well . She was very happy for them , but I know she missed seeing it first hand , and taking photos of all the activity . I had a 2 - week wash out period before I could begin my low - dose chemo pills . Those started on May 16th , and so far I 'm doing OK . I 'm still a little fussy about what I like to eat ; things just don 't smell that good to me yet . Mom has an infinite amount of patience with me and sits on the floor trying to get me to eat . Sometimes it takes 4 , 5 , or 6 tries of me sniffing at the food she offers . Most times I end up finally eating , and it tastes really good . Mom is still cooking my meals and giving me a variety of protein and carbohydrates . There is love in her cooking . This past Sunday we had some trouble , this time with Dante my cat brother . That 's him in the photo . Dante has renal issues , that 's kidney problems , and was diagnosed last year with lowered kidney function . Well , his kidneys must be getting worse . This past Saturday , mom and dad couldn 't find Dante in the house . They were calling and searching for a while and I was getting worried . They finally found him , tucked in mom 's closet , on top of her shoe boxes . Mom brought him out and sat with him in the living room , brushing his orange coat . He was purring loudly , I could hear him across the room . On Sunday he ended up hiding again , this time under mom 's printer table near the computer . When mom reached under to get him she said he was wet . Poor Dante had actually peed on himself . I felt really bad for him as I know that 's not good and he must have felt terrible not being able to make it to his litter box . Mom grabbed the cat carrier , put Dante in it , and then called the Emergency Vet Office . Luckily we have an ER Vet in the area . When she put Dante in the carrier , I knew something was wrong and I got really anxious . I was pacing around and sniffing at the carrier . I tried to tell Dante that mom would take good care of him and that he should try to relax , but he was meowing a bit . That made me a little upset as well . Mom took off for the ER Vet and left me home . She said she 'd be right back and that dad would be home soon . Sure enough , dad got home a little while later and together we waited for mom and Dante . Well , when mom got home , she didn 't have Dante with her and I was a little confused . I was wondering where he was and when he would be home . Mom sat down with me and told me that Dante was very sick and had to stay in the hospital overnight . He need constant care and some medical attention . She said he would get the best care possible and I know she was telling me the truth because , well , look at me and the care I 've received . Then she started talking about that bridge again , and that there was a possibility that it may be time for Dante to cross that bridge , without us . She was crying as she was telling me this and I tried to comfort her . I stuck close by her side for the rest of the night . We were together until about midnight when I went out for another pee - break and she finally went to bed . Mom called the ER Vet Monday morning for an update and told me that Dante was resting , that he was not in any pain , but we wouldn 't know much more than that until they did some blood tests later in the day . Mom 's crying a little today as we talk about it , but she 's holding up pretty well . I 'm going to stick close today as well . I ate all my breakfast , and then all my mid - morning snack . She feels better when I eat , so I 'm doing my best to help her through this . I guess we wait now . I hope Dante is doing OK and that he realizes that mom is thinking about him and making sure he gets whatever he needs at his point in his life . I hope he doesn 't have to cross the bridge , I like hanging out with him and cleaning his ears . I trust mom to make the right decisions . Her decisions are always made out of love . Chemo was on April 11th and I managed to get in and out of the Oncologist 's office in a little over an hour . Not having to go through an ultrasound and x - rays like last time really made a difference . I was well behaved and let the techs and the doctor do what they needed to do to get me through quickly . After I got out of the doctor 's office , mom and I headed north , toward home . She pulled over just north of Phoenix , into Anthem , and said we were going to stop for a break . She went in to Baskin Robbins and bought a small cup of ice cream . We drove across the street , into the park , to enjoy it together . The park is really nice . It was my first time there , mom 's too . This is the park that has the Veteran 's Memorial , a uniquely designed memorial of five pillars with slanted / oblong openings at different heights . These openings are lined up so that on every November 11 , at 11 : 11 AM , the sun shines through the openings and illuminates the Great Seal of the United States on the ground in front of the five pillars . Now , we were there in the late afternoon in April so of course we did not get to see this beautiful sight ; but , it was certainly impressive . Anyway , there is a lot of soft , green grass throughout the park with sidewalks winding through and around some of the small lakes . There is a train station , for kids , but the train was not running while we were there . Besides , there was sign that stated no dogs were allowed on the train . I think that 's discrimination , but I guess they can do what they want since it is their train . Mom sat on a bench while I stood near . I knew what was coming and was excited . She took the top off the ice cream and gave me a small amount on a spoon . She ate some as well . I wanted more and I wanted it quickly , but mom said I needed to slow down so I didn 't get an ' ice cream headache ' whatever that is . I got a few more spoons of delicious vanilla ice cream - what a treat ! We finished the ice cream then took a walk around an area of the park . I enjoyed the shade and the grass . It was nice to take some time to smell all the different smells that were all around me . There had been quite a few other dogs through this park , I could tell , and they left all kinds of messages for me . I did my best to leave some messages of my own , but after a few well - placed messages I didn 't have much left , if you get my meaning . I had a drink of water before we climbed back in the truck to start for home . Mom always brings a container of water on our trips . I 've become used to drinking our filtered well water . When I get offered ' city water ' I tend to refuse it as it smells different . I 'm glad that the days following my chemo treatment were not as bad as before . Mom has the whole food issue figured out so I was eating grilled beef or turkey burgers right away . I think having some good food in me helped to get me through the worst part . I still have to take meds to stave off nausea and to help me get over the diarrhea ( sorry about that ) , but I take those pretty well as long as they are wrapped in a piece of mozzarella . I should get my sense of taste and smell back a little more over the next few days which means I 'll start eating the chicken mom cooks for me and maybe the scrambled eggs she makes for me each morning . It just takes a few days for everything to get back on track . Author bearsblog2017Posted on April 16 , 2017Categories Cancer in dogs , Dogs , LoveLeave a comment on Happy Easter to those who celebrate The Bridge Talk We had some time today , to relax , to nap , and to just be with each other . Mom took some time to lie down next to me on one of my many beds and tell me a story . She said it was a story she had been meaning to tell me for a while now , but she just didn 't have the words . Today , she said she found the words . She talked about a bridge , somewhere in our future , that we would come upon . When we got to this bridge , she said she was going to have to stay on one side and I would have to go on without her , across the bridge . Now , I don 't like going anywhere without mom and I told her that I would rather stay with her or that she could walk across with me . But , she said this was a special bridge , one that she would not yet be able to cross . Mom said I had to be brave and take the journey without her on that day . There would come a day , in her distant future , when she would cross the same bridge , but it was inevitable that I would have to cross first , without her . She talked about how Taz and Joey , and even Othello , would be on the other side waiting to greet me . You see , they had to cross the bridge before me , also without mom , and when they did , they met some of the others who had crossed before them . Apparently , there were quite a few before me who lived with mom and dad and had already crossed this special bridge . I remembered Taz , Joey , and Othello , but didn 't know about the others . Anyway , she said that Taz and Joey and Othello would show me around and introduce me to everyone else . There would be soft grass on which I could run and play and I could take naps and eat whatever I wanted . She mentioned that I wouldn 't have any pain in my knees or hips , and I 'd be able to run like the wind . She also said I would no longer have cancer . It would always be great weather , no rain or wind , but if I wanted to play in the snow all I had to do was think about it and like magic there would be some snow for me . I thought that would be pretty neat . I got a little worried and asked her what I was going to do without her and how would she know I was doing OK ? She said that sometimes , those who have already crossed this bridge , get to come back and visit . She was sure that Taz and Joey and Othello had visited a few times , but she could not really see them . She said she felt them , in her heart , and that when it was my turn to visit her , she would feel me in her heart . She would know that I was nearby and she would smile , sometimes through tears , remembering the good times we had and the love we shared , the love we would always share because we had exchanged pieces of our hearts . If the thing about exchanging pieces of our hearts is true , and mom has done this with all those who have lived with her , then I guess mom 's heart is pretty big by now . Not only that , but there must be pieces of her heart in lots of fur babies on the other side of this bridge . She told me about Rusty , the first Bear , and Wendy who all lived with her when she first moved to AZ . She talked about Ashley , Papillion , and Rubin who traveled across the country when she and dad drove to their new home . Then there was Marshall and Mick and Sandy and Annie and Hershey and Angel , all fur babies who have lived in the house and in mom 's heart . That 's a lot of pieces of heart to hold on to , but mom seems to have managed it pretty well . We snuggled for a little while after she finished her story . She mentioned that she hoped we would not get to this bridge anytime soon and that we 'd have lots more time together . I told her I would do my best to stay with her , and dad , for a long time . I want to make lots more memories with mom and share more of my heart with her so that when the time comes for me to be brave and cross that bridge , a large piece of my heart will stay with her . I know I 'll be taking a piece of her heart with me when the time comes , but for now I think we 'll just stick close to each other . I had my third IV chemo treatment on Tuesday , March 21st . Along with the chemo that was scheduled I also had some chest x - rays and an ultrasound of my abdomen . Oh yeah , the regular blood work that goes with these treatments as well . As you can imagine it was a pretty full day . Mom and I left the house about 9 : 00 AM . I had mixed feelings about this trip . I sort of knew where I was going , so while I was happy to be riding in the truck with mom , I was not really excited about where I was going . We listened to more of Springsteen 's audio book , Born To Run , and I find his voice soothing , as does mom , so the trip was relatively uneventful . We arrived in plenty of time for my 11 : 00 ultrasound appointment . That 's when the fun started . For some reason , I ended up going in the back right about 11 : 00 to get ready , or so I thought , for my ultrasound . Well , when I got back there , the techs drew my blood so they could start those tests , but I didn 't go right to my ultrasound . I ended up waiting , and waiting , and waiting . I began to worry about mom , sitting out in the waiting room , probably wondering what was happening with me . I tried to tell someone that they should go out front to talk to mom and let her know what was happening , but I couldn 't get anyone 's attention . Apparently , there were a few emergencies at the vet 's office , next door , which was where I was supposed to get my ultrasound . That 's what was causing the backup . In the meantime , they took my chest x - rays . So , my blood work and my chest x - rays were done and we were just waiting on the ultrasound . Finally , it was my turn . Remember earlier when I said that I wasn 't too thrilled about this appointment today ? For an ultrasound , they have to roll me on my back in this V - shaped table thing , shave my tummy , and then do the test . Well , I was having none of it and tried to squirm my way off the table . No matter how hard they tried I would not lie still . I was starting to get really scared , I wanted to see my mom , I wanted her back there with me . They took me off the table and went out to talk to mom , finally ! When they came back I got a shot that made me a little sleepy and very relaxed . While I was dozing , they must have put me up on that table again because before I knew it I was waking up inside one of the large kennels . I had to stay in there for quite some time . I actually lost track of time , it seemed like forever and all I could think about was mom sitting out front , by herself , worrying about me . Again , I tried to tell somebody to go check on my mom , but I was still so tired I could barely speak . It took some time , but eventually I was hooked up to my IV chemo treatment . That seemed to go OK and within about an hour I was bounding out front to meet mom again so we could go home . I was really , really happy to see her , and she was happy to see me . She took me outside so I could pee , then gave me some water . We bring our own water when we take these trips . I don 't like ' city water ' and mom said she doesn 't want me drinking it either . First , she said we had been in the oncologist 's office for six hours . SIX HOURS ! That 's crazy . She mentioned that someone finally came out to let her know about the emergencies that had happened and why it was taking so long . She also let me know that my x - rays were clear , which is good . We certainly don 't want to see any problems in my chest and around my heart . That was great news . She also let me know that my ultrasound came back good as well . The oncologist advised there was no new growth of tumors , no change in anything that was already there . I guess the chemo is doing its job . I hope it continues to work and that I 'll have lots more time to spend with mom and dad . One of the reasons things seemed to take so long was my reluctance to lie still on my own . When I said I got a shot and then got a little sleepy it was because they had to sedate me in order to do the ultrasound . They had to tell mom first because she had to sign additional paperwork . When I was removed from the table the first time , to get the shot , I sort of lost my place in line . Well , that extended our wait time even further . By the time I started my IV chemo , after all these tests , it was already almost 4 : 00 PM . Keep in mind we left the house at 9 : 00 AM , arrived a little before 11 : 00 AM , and I spent most of the day in the back while mom waited out front . Actually , she said she drove to Whole Foods to get something to eat , but wasn 't gone for more than an hour because she didn 't want to be away in case something happened . After treatment , I was OK for Wednesday and Thursday , but by Friday I didn 't feel well . I didn 't want to eat much at all . Mom kept trying different things but most of the stuff she made for me just didn 't smell , or taste , good . I didn 't really eat much on Saturday either . Mom had to force some pills down my throat , which I didn 't care for , but I knew it was important . She said she was sorry each time . I understood . By Sunday , she tried something new . Mom made me scrambled eggs . You know , they tasted really good so I ate what she cooked . She was excited I was finally eating and made me another egg . Then that afternoon she grilled me a hamburger . Not just any hamburger , but the grass - fed ground beef burgers she buys for herself . She 's kind of a ' health - nut ' and tries to eat healthy food , so it was quite special that she made me one of her burgers . It tasted really good so I ate the whole thing . It took a few days before I started eating the chicken breast that she cooks for me , but I 've started back on that as well . Well , if you couldn 't figure it out yet , my diet has changed a bit . For breakfast , mom makes me two scrambled eggs mixed with some brown rice and some shredded chicken breast . For lunch I have more brown rice , more chicken , and a little of my dry U / D dog food . For dinner mom grills me either a beef burger or a turkey burger and then mixes it with a little brown rice and some of my dry dog food . I take my meds and supplements wrapped in small pieces of cheese , typically mozzarella or Havarti . Do you think I 'm a little spoiled ? Or maybe mom just loves me a lot . I 'm not sure , but I am enjoying my food again . After this last treatment , I had some of the same side - effects , but they were not as severe and did not last as long . It seems like I 'll have more good days between treatments this time around . That 's good and I know mom is happy about it too . I have my 4th treatment on April 11 and my 5th treatment on May 2nd . I hope things go as well as they did this time . Author bearsblog2017Posted on April 1 , 2017April 1 , 2017Categories Cancer in dogs , Dogs , Love3 Comments on Interesting Two Weeks Just a Little Off Hello everyone , Bear here . It 's been a while since I last posted to my blog . You see , I 've had a rough week . Well , I had my second IV chemo treatment and the dose was reduced by 20 % due to the really bad reaction I had after the first treatment . Everything went well , at least at first . Mom and I headed to Scottsdale on Tuesday , February 28th . I really enjoy riding in the truck with mom . She talks to me on the trip and opens the back window for me if we 're not travelling too fast . On this trip , she popped in a CD of Bruce Springsteen 's audio book , " Born to Run " and we listened to it on the way to the oncologist . I like when he sings and for his book he did the audio recording , so it was an extra treat to have him ' talk ' to us during the trip . The tech in the office was really happy that mom kept a journal of my experiences and asked to copy the applicable pages for my medical file . This made it a lot easier than mom trying to relay all the information . They took me in the back and took some blood to test to see if things were OK for me to receive my IV treatment . Apparently , everything came back just fine and I was hooked up to an IV . Since I had such a drastic reaction to the first treatment , the oncologist told mom that I would need a blood test seven days after this treatment . At least I just have to go to Kachina Animal Hospital for that test and not take that long drive to Scottsdale . We drove home to Bruce Springsteen 's voice again . I had a great ride home . I started to get a little picky about what I would and would not eat . I was still eating my canned u / d with pumpkin , but preferred a delicacy called Trufood mixed with my dry food . Well , this worked for a few days . By the second day I started to get an upset stomach . Mom gave me my anti - nausea meds and things seemed to quiet down a bit . I was still eating my regular food but was getting a bit tired . I take some pill medication as well and mom typically wraps those pills in a tasty Pill Pocket and I swallow it whole ! Love those Pill Pockets , or at least I did . For some reason , things just didn 't taste or smell that good to me and I didn 't want to take my meds . Mom tried peanut butter , which was OK , but I just licked the PB and spit out the pill . Unfortunately , mom had to force me to take my meds . I know she doesn 't like to do it , and I couldn 't really explain why I was feeling bad and didn 't want to take them . I was getting really tired by the third day after my treatment . On day seven I went in for my blood draw . My temperature was normal , which is good considering it spiked quite high after the last treatment , but I still was not feeling good . I went downhill from there . I didn 't want to eat , even the Trufood wasn 't tasting too good to me . I wasn 't drinking much water either , which concerned mom quite a bit . I just didn 't know how to tell her I wasn 't feeling well . She stayed by my side trying to get me to eat and drink . She even tried spoon feeding me . I appreciated her trying so I would take a couple bites , but I just wasn 't interested . Mom went to the store on Friday and bought some huge chicken breasts . She put them in her crockpot with some chicken broth and let them cook for a few hours . In the meantime , she made some rice and some plain pasta . ( My mom 's Italian , so there is ALWAYS pasta in the house . ) Well , the rice tasted good , and so did the pasta . Then the chicken was finished and mom shredded it into a container and gave me some . That tasted pretty good too . I think I ate too much . I sort of got a little upset , but didn 't throw up . This was a rough day for me , and mom . She was really , really worried about me . I don 't think she slept well at all that night . I was exhausted and spent the entire night in the bedroom instead of roaming the house for different places to sleep . I know mom was up at least four times that night because she came over to check on me . She would pet me and talk to me for a few minutes , but I was so tired I barely lifted my head . I felt a little better this morning , but mom was still worried . She drove into town to drop off the track & field equipment for Special Olympics practice and let them know she had to hurry home to take care of me . My mom coaches Special Olympics , not sure you knew that . She told me she was coming right back so I waited for her . She was only gone for a little while but to me it seemed like , forever ! I have now eaten quite a bit of fresh cooked chicken today , it 's really all I want . I 'm starting to feel a little better but I 'm still tired . Mom has started wrapping my meds in sliced turkey or sliced roast beef . She thinks she 's fooling me , but I know there are pills in there . I 'm just glad the turkey or roast beef tastes good so I can just swallow it whole . I 'm hoping I feel even better tomorrow . Mom said she was going to stay with me as much as possible and that makes me feel better . I always feel better when mom is nearby . I hope she knows I 'm trying to get better . She has a special power called love that makes everything feel better . I feel it in her hands and see it in her eyes , even through her tears . Author bearsblog2017Posted on March 11 , 2017Categories Cancer in dogs , Dogs , Love11 Comments on Just a Little Off " A Dog 's Purpose " My mom went to the movies with a friend today . I stayed at home with dad . She came home after a few hours , sat down and told me all about the movie she had just seen . It was titled , " A Dog 's Purpose " . Now I know what a dog 's purpose is , but I guess some people don 't . Maybe they don 't have dogs in their lives to help them learn about our purpose . That 's kind of sad , because we have a lot to teach . Sometimes it 's tough to get it out and be understood by people . I think that may be because they are not truly open to communicating with us . After all there are some people who will say , " Oh , it 's just a dog . " I don 't go around saying , " Oh , it 's just a person . " I try to talk to everyone . I like talking to people and I like when they talk to me . Anyway , mom said the movie was about Bailey , a dog who had a young boy ( Ethan ) as a best friend . Ethan and Bailey did just about everything together . One thing they really liked to do was play together and Ethan taught Bailey a special trick with an old deflated football . Well , Ethan grew up and Bailey got a little older . After Ethan went away to college Bailey was feeling really sad , and old . One day , Ethan 's mom , and his grandparents , realized that Bailey wasn 't doing very well and took him to the Vet . Grandpa called Ethan who came home to be with Bailey as he crossed the Rainbow Bridge . Mom started crying when she was telling me that part . But then she talked about Bailey , and how he seemed to come back again , as a puppy . He was different , but still knew who he was . He also remembered Ethan and wondered how he was ever going to find him again . Well , Bailey went through a few more lives . Each time he found someone who really needed him and he helped them through some pretty tough times . I told mom , that 's what we do . Dogs love helping people through tough times because we know how much fun they can be when they are happy again . It 's like when mom is sad . This happens now when I 'm not feeling well , mostly after my treatments . Mom sits with me , pets me , brushes me , and tells me that she loves me . It 's these times when I feel her sadness , and all I want to do is to make her feel happy again . I look at her and ' tell ' her that I love her very much and that she needn 't worry so much about me , that I 'll be just fine . I ' tell ' her that we 'll get through these tough times , together . Bailey ends up , once again coming back and , unfortunately left to roam the streets by a not - too - nice person . He ends up in the same area where he and Ethan spent their summers , Ethan 's grandparents farm . Bailey recognizes some familiar smells and , of course , follows his nose . He finds Ethan , who is much older , but does not recognize Bailey . It 's OK because Ethan keeps this new dog ( which is really Bailey ) in his home . Finally , there is an opportunity for Bailey to show this much older Ethan that special trick he learned as a pup , when Ethan was a young boy . It finally clicks with Ethan , that standing in front of him is his Bailey , or as we find out very early in the film , his Bailey , Bailey , Bailey , Bailey , Bailey - or his Boss Dog . It was a really happy ending , after Bailey traveled those many years , and many miles , to find Ethan again . I hope it was a true story because I 'd like to be able do the same and travel wherever I have to , and as long as I have to , so I can find my mom again . I know that would make her happy . It would certainly make me happy . Text Widget This is a text widget . The Text Widget allows you to add text or HTML to your sidebar . You can use a text widget to display text , links , images , HTML , or a combination of these . Edit them in the Widget section of the Customizer . |
I talked to mom about it and she agreed to post this for me , you see by the time you read this I will have crossed the Rainbow Bridge . Mom got a little upset while we were talking and I did my best to console her . She asked if she could add a post script to this final post and , of course , I said she could and that I would be honored if she would . It will be nice for you to hear from my mom at this time . If you have a little bit of time , I 'm sure she 'd appreciate a comment or two . Well , here goes . I loved my life and the ones who shared it with me . They were caring and fun to be with . I went on a few adventures with mom and dad . I loved camping with them . We would sit outside the camper and enjoy the outdoors . Those were some of my favorite times . I wish I could have done more of that with them , but I am grateful for the memories we made . I appreciated all the good food and the wonderful care I had over the years . It 's tough getting old and as we age we need more medical attention sometimes . My mom was always keen to my medical needs . She knew when I wasn 't feeling well or when something wasn 't just quite right . I had a wonderful Vet , Dr . Julia Lynn at Kachina Animal Hospital . She , and all those who worked there were fabulous . I loved my dog brothers who went before me ( Taz and Joey ) as well as my cat brother ( Dante ) and cat sister ( Maya ) who I left behind to comfort mom and dad . I hope they are up to the task . Dante was sad when his dog brother , Taz , crossed the bridge . You see , Taz used to clean Dante 's ears all the time , but I think you may already know that . Anyway , after Taz passed , I took up that job . Dante seemed OK with it and we bonded over many an ear - cleaning session . Maya never liked her ears cleaned , but she would occasionally lie on the dog bed with me . She was nice . I enjoyed playing in the snow , even though we didn 't have much in our area . When we did , mom would run around with me out front , throwing snow balls for me to either catch or find . You know , it 's tough to find a snowball after it falls in the snow . Mom took lots and lots of photographs of me . Besides being a Personal Trainer she is somewhat of an amateur photographer . I didn 't really enjoy having my picture taken , but I tolerated it , for mom 's sake . One thing I want to pass on to you is to take lots of photographs , there are no cameras at the Rainbow Bridge . Last but not least , my mom . What can I say about the human who loved me unconditionally and provided for my every need throughout my life with her . I wish we could have found each other sooner , so we would have had more time together , but the time we did share was absolutely wonderful . I love her with all my heart and I hope that someday I will find my way back to her , and she to me . If you recall in an earlier post I talked about us exchanging pieces of our hearts , so we are able to keep each other near , now and in the future . I just wanted to let you all know that I have a piece of mom 's heart with me , something I will cherish always . She has a piece of my heart as well . She said when our hearts beat together we are always together , regardless of time and distance . I like that . I stroked his fur until it no longer felt familiar . I breathed in his scent until it no longer held his essence . I closed my eyes , let the tears fall , and said my last goodbye . Hi , Bear 's mom here . The journey with Bear has been difficult for me but he was strong throughout it , so I did my best to be strong for him as well . Thank you for your care , concern , comments , encouragement , and sharing of stories . I have read all of Bear 's posts and the responses by his many followers . I cannot begin to express my appreciation , and love , for all . I believe Bear wrote about anthropomorphism in his first blog in January of 2017 . He was correct when he told you about my academic writing and how I had to be extremely cautious to avoid anthropomorphizing things that were not human . I succeeded in my academic writings but not in my personal life , but that 's OK , and I would have it no other way . We are all connected in this universe , at a molecular level . Everything in the universe has an essence , that 's what makes them what they are . Bear had that , which is why anthropomorphizing is not applicable to him . He was family and always will be . I have had a number of fur - babies pass through my life ; they never stay long enough . And , although my heart is breaking and a piece has left with Bear , there will be another entering my life in the future . I am sure of it ; and , this new family member will join a heart that is comprised of many , many pieces of those who have passed through on their journey . I don 't know who it will be , when or where , but it will be soon , of that I am sure . Bear started something here that is important and I 'm sure he would want that to continue . I don 't know who will pick it up , perhaps Dante or Maya will begin to express their thoughts , then perhaps another who has yet to join us will take over . Whoever it is , someone will step in . They will never take Bear 's place , but they will add to the essence that remains in our home , the essence of all who have passed through as well as those yet to come . I finished my final scheduled IV chemo treatment on May 2 . The few days afterward were a little rough . Mom had to stay with me to help me get through them . Unfortunately , that meant she missed her most favorite trip , Special Olympics State Competition . I felt bad that she decided to stay home , but I 'm glad she did . I do so much better when mom is with me . She got updates throughout the weekend about Bradshaw Mountain Special Olympics and how they were doing . Apparently , they did very well , most of them having their best scores ( time and distance ) in their events . Josh and Ryan , mom 's pentathletes , beat their scores as well . She was very happy for them , but I know she missed seeing it first hand , and taking photos of all the activity . I had a 2 - week wash out period before I could begin my low - dose chemo pills . Those started on May 16th , and so far I 'm doing OK . I 'm still a little fussy about what I like to eat ; things just don 't smell that good to me yet . Mom has an infinite amount of patience with me and sits on the floor trying to get me to eat . Sometimes it takes 4 , 5 , or 6 tries of me sniffing at the food she offers . Most times I end up finally eating , and it tastes really good . Mom is still cooking my meals and giving me a variety of protein and carbohydrates . There is love in her cooking . This past Sunday we had some trouble , this time with Dante my cat brother . That 's him in the photo . Dante has renal issues , that 's kidney problems , and was diagnosed last year with lowered kidney function . Well , his kidneys must be getting worse . This past Saturday , mom and dad couldn 't find Dante in the house . They were calling and searching for a while and I was getting worried . They finally found him , tucked in mom 's closet , on top of her shoe boxes . Mom brought him out and sat with him in the living room , brushing his orange coat . He was purring loudly , I could hear him across the room . On Sunday he ended up hiding again , this time under mom 's printer table near the computer . When mom reached under to get him she said he was wet . Poor Dante had actually peed on himself . I felt really bad for him as I know that 's not good and he must have felt terrible not being able to make it to his litter box . Mom grabbed the cat carrier , put Dante in it , and then called the Emergency Vet Office . Luckily we have an ER Vet in the area . When she put Dante in the carrier , I knew something was wrong and I got really anxious . I was pacing around and sniffing at the carrier . I tried to tell Dante that mom would take good care of him and that he should try to relax , but he was meowing a bit . That made me a little upset as well . Mom took off for the ER Vet and left me home . She said she 'd be right back and that dad would be home soon . Sure enough , dad got home a little while later and together we waited for mom and Dante . Well , when mom got home , she didn 't have Dante with her and I was a little confused . I was wondering where he was and when he would be home . Mom sat down with me and told me that Dante was very sick and had to stay in the hospital overnight . He need constant care and some medical attention . She said he would get the best care possible and I know she was telling me the truth because , well , look at me and the care I 've received . Then she started talking about that bridge again , and that there was a possibility that it may be time for Dante to cross that bridge , without us . She was crying as she was telling me this and I tried to comfort her . I stuck close by her side for the rest of the night . We were together until about midnight when I went out for another pee - break and she finally went to bed . Mom called the ER Vet Monday morning for an update and told me that Dante was resting , that he was not in any pain , but we wouldn 't know much more than that until they did some blood tests later in the day . Mom 's crying a little today as we talk about it , but she 's holding up pretty well . I 'm going to stick close today as well . I ate all my breakfast , and then all my mid - morning snack . She feels better when I eat , so I 'm doing my best to help her through this . I guess we wait now . I hope Dante is doing OK and that he realizes that mom is thinking about him and making sure he gets whatever he needs at his point in his life . I hope he doesn 't have to cross the bridge , I like hanging out with him and cleaning his ears . I trust mom to make the right decisions . Her decisions are always made out of love . Chemo was on April 11th and I managed to get in and out of the Oncologist 's office in a little over an hour . Not having to go through an ultrasound and x - rays like last time really made a difference . I was well behaved and let the techs and the doctor do what they needed to do to get me through quickly . After I got out of the doctor 's office , mom and I headed north , toward home . She pulled over just north of Phoenix , into Anthem , and said we were going to stop for a break . She went in to Baskin Robbins and bought a small cup of ice cream . We drove across the street , into the park , to enjoy it together . The park is really nice . It was my first time there , mom 's too . This is the park that has the Veteran 's Memorial , a uniquely designed memorial of five pillars with slanted / oblong openings at different heights . These openings are lined up so that on every November 11 , at 11 : 11 AM , the sun shines through the openings and illuminates the Great Seal of the United States on the ground in front of the five pillars . Now , we were there in the late afternoon in April so of course we did not get to see this beautiful sight ; but , it was certainly impressive . Anyway , there is a lot of soft , green grass throughout the park with sidewalks winding through and around some of the small lakes . There is a train station , for kids , but the train was not running while we were there . Besides , there was sign that stated no dogs were allowed on the train . I think that 's discrimination , but I guess they can do what they want since it is their train . Mom sat on a bench while I stood near . I knew what was coming and was excited . She took the top off the ice cream and gave me a small amount on a spoon . She ate some as well . I wanted more and I wanted it quickly , but mom said I needed to slow down so I didn 't get an ' ice cream headache ' whatever that is . I got a few more spoons of delicious vanilla ice cream - what a treat ! We finished the ice cream then took a walk around an area of the park . I enjoyed the shade and the grass . It was nice to take some time to smell all the different smells that were all around me . There had been quite a few other dogs through this park , I could tell , and they left all kinds of messages for me . I did my best to leave some messages of my own , but after a few well - placed messages I didn 't have much left , if you get my meaning . I had a drink of water before we climbed back in the truck to start for home . Mom always brings a container of water on our trips . I 've become used to drinking our filtered well water . When I get offered ' city water ' I tend to refuse it as it smells different . I 'm glad that the days following my chemo treatment were not as bad as before . Mom has the whole food issue figured out so I was eating grilled beef or turkey burgers right away . I think having some good food in me helped to get me through the worst part . I still have to take meds to stave off nausea and to help me get over the diarrhea ( sorry about that ) , but I take those pretty well as long as they are wrapped in a piece of mozzarella . I should get my sense of taste and smell back a little more over the next few days which means I 'll start eating the chicken mom cooks for me and maybe the scrambled eggs she makes for me each morning . It just takes a few days for everything to get back on track . Author bearsblog2017Posted on April 16 , 2017Categories Cancer in dogs , Dogs , LoveLeave a comment on Happy Easter to those who celebrate The Bridge Talk We had some time today , to relax , to nap , and to just be with each other . Mom took some time to lie down next to me on one of my many beds and tell me a story . She said it was a story she had been meaning to tell me for a while now , but she just didn 't have the words . Today , she said she found the words . She talked about a bridge , somewhere in our future , that we would come upon . When we got to this bridge , she said she was going to have to stay on one side and I would have to go on without her , across the bridge . Now , I don 't like going anywhere without mom and I told her that I would rather stay with her or that she could walk across with me . But , she said this was a special bridge , one that she would not yet be able to cross . Mom said I had to be brave and take the journey without her on that day . There would come a day , in her distant future , when she would cross the same bridge , but it was inevitable that I would have to cross first , without her . She talked about how Taz and Joey , and even Othello , would be on the other side waiting to greet me . You see , they had to cross the bridge before me , also without mom , and when they did , they met some of the others who had crossed before them . Apparently , there were quite a few before me who lived with mom and dad and had already crossed this special bridge . I remembered Taz , Joey , and Othello , but didn 't know about the others . Anyway , she said that Taz and Joey and Othello would show me around and introduce me to everyone else . There would be soft grass on which I could run and play and I could take naps and eat whatever I wanted . She mentioned that I wouldn 't have any pain in my knees or hips , and I 'd be able to run like the wind . She also said I would no longer have cancer . It would always be great weather , no rain or wind , but if I wanted to play in the snow all I had to do was think about it and like magic there would be some snow for me . I thought that would be pretty neat . I got a little worried and asked her what I was going to do without her and how would she know I was doing OK ? She said that sometimes , those who have already crossed this bridge , get to come back and visit . She was sure that Taz and Joey and Othello had visited a few times , but she could not really see them . She said she felt them , in her heart , and that when it was my turn to visit her , she would feel me in her heart . She would know that I was nearby and she would smile , sometimes through tears , remembering the good times we had and the love we shared , the love we would always share because we had exchanged pieces of our hearts . If the thing about exchanging pieces of our hearts is true , and mom has done this with all those who have lived with her , then I guess mom 's heart is pretty big by now . Not only that , but there must be pieces of her heart in lots of fur babies on the other side of this bridge . She told me about Rusty , the first Bear , and Wendy who all lived with her when she first moved to AZ . She talked about Ashley , Papillion , and Rubin who traveled across the country when she and dad drove to their new home . Then there was Marshall and Mick and Sandy and Annie and Hershey and Angel , all fur babies who have lived in the house and in mom 's heart . That 's a lot of pieces of heart to hold on to , but mom seems to have managed it pretty well . We snuggled for a little while after she finished her story . She mentioned that she hoped we would not get to this bridge anytime soon and that we 'd have lots more time together . I told her I would do my best to stay with her , and dad , for a long time . I want to make lots more memories with mom and share more of my heart with her so that when the time comes for me to be brave and cross that bridge , a large piece of my heart will stay with her . I know I 'll be taking a piece of her heart with me when the time comes , but for now I think we 'll just stick close to each other . I had my third IV chemo treatment on Tuesday , March 21st . Along with the chemo that was scheduled I also had some chest x - rays and an ultrasound of my abdomen . Oh yeah , the regular blood work that goes with these treatments as well . As you can imagine it was a pretty full day . Mom and I left the house about 9 : 00 AM . I had mixed feelings about this trip . I sort of knew where I was going , so while I was happy to be riding in the truck with mom , I was not really excited about where I was going . We listened to more of Springsteen 's audio book , Born To Run , and I find his voice soothing , as does mom , so the trip was relatively uneventful . We arrived in plenty of time for my 11 : 00 ultrasound appointment . That 's when the fun started . For some reason , I ended up going in the back right about 11 : 00 to get ready , or so I thought , for my ultrasound . Well , when I got back there , the techs drew my blood so they could start those tests , but I didn 't go right to my ultrasound . I ended up waiting , and waiting , and waiting . I began to worry about mom , sitting out in the waiting room , probably wondering what was happening with me . I tried to tell someone that they should go out front to talk to mom and let her know what was happening , but I couldn 't get anyone 's attention . Apparently , there were a few emergencies at the vet 's office , next door , which was where I was supposed to get my ultrasound . That 's what was causing the backup . In the meantime , they took my chest x - rays . So , my blood work and my chest x - rays were done and we were just waiting on the ultrasound . Finally , it was my turn . Remember earlier when I said that I wasn 't too thrilled about this appointment today ? For an ultrasound , they have to roll me on my back in this V - shaped table thing , shave my tummy , and then do the test . Well , I was having none of it and tried to squirm my way off the table . No matter how hard they tried I would not lie still . I was starting to get really scared , I wanted to see my mom , I wanted her back there with me . They took me off the table and went out to talk to mom , finally ! When they came back I got a shot that made me a little sleepy and very relaxed . While I was dozing , they must have put me up on that table again because before I knew it I was waking up inside one of the large kennels . I had to stay in there for quite some time . I actually lost track of time , it seemed like forever and all I could think about was mom sitting out front , by herself , worrying about me . Again , I tried to tell somebody to go check on my mom , but I was still so tired I could barely speak . It took some time , but eventually I was hooked up to my IV chemo treatment . That seemed to go OK and within about an hour I was bounding out front to meet mom again so we could go home . I was really , really happy to see her , and she was happy to see me . She took me outside so I could pee , then gave me some water . We bring our own water when we take these trips . I don 't like ' city water ' and mom said she doesn 't want me drinking it either . First , she said we had been in the oncologist 's office for six hours . SIX HOURS ! That 's crazy . She mentioned that someone finally came out to let her know about the emergencies that had happened and why it was taking so long . She also let me know that my x - rays were clear , which is good . We certainly don 't want to see any problems in my chest and around my heart . That was great news . She also let me know that my ultrasound came back good as well . The oncologist advised there was no new growth of tumors , no change in anything that was already there . I guess the chemo is doing its job . I hope it continues to work and that I 'll have lots more time to spend with mom and dad . One of the reasons things seemed to take so long was my reluctance to lie still on my own . When I said I got a shot and then got a little sleepy it was because they had to sedate me in order to do the ultrasound . They had to tell mom first because she had to sign additional paperwork . When I was removed from the table the first time , to get the shot , I sort of lost my place in line . Well , that extended our wait time even further . By the time I started my IV chemo , after all these tests , it was already almost 4 : 00 PM . Keep in mind we left the house at 9 : 00 AM , arrived a little before 11 : 00 AM , and I spent most of the day in the back while mom waited out front . Actually , she said she drove to Whole Foods to get something to eat , but wasn 't gone for more than an hour because she didn 't want to be away in case something happened . After treatment , I was OK for Wednesday and Thursday , but by Friday I didn 't feel well . I didn 't want to eat much at all . Mom kept trying different things but most of the stuff she made for me just didn 't smell , or taste , good . I didn 't really eat much on Saturday either . Mom had to force some pills down my throat , which I didn 't care for , but I knew it was important . She said she was sorry each time . I understood . By Sunday , she tried something new . Mom made me scrambled eggs . You know , they tasted really good so I ate what she cooked . She was excited I was finally eating and made me another egg . Then that afternoon she grilled me a hamburger . Not just any hamburger , but the grass - fed ground beef burgers she buys for herself . She 's kind of a ' health - nut ' and tries to eat healthy food , so it was quite special that she made me one of her burgers . It tasted really good so I ate the whole thing . It took a few days before I started eating the chicken breast that she cooks for me , but I 've started back on that as well . Well , if you couldn 't figure it out yet , my diet has changed a bit . For breakfast , mom makes me two scrambled eggs mixed with some brown rice and some shredded chicken breast . For lunch I have more brown rice , more chicken , and a little of my dry U / D dog food . For dinner mom grills me either a beef burger or a turkey burger and then mixes it with a little brown rice and some of my dry dog food . I take my meds and supplements wrapped in small pieces of cheese , typically mozzarella or Havarti . Do you think I 'm a little spoiled ? Or maybe mom just loves me a lot . I 'm not sure , but I am enjoying my food again . After this last treatment , I had some of the same side - effects , but they were not as severe and did not last as long . It seems like I 'll have more good days between treatments this time around . That 's good and I know mom is happy about it too . I have my 4th treatment on April 11 and my 5th treatment on May 2nd . I hope things go as well as they did this time . Author bearsblog2017Posted on April 1 , 2017April 1 , 2017Categories Cancer in dogs , Dogs , Love3 Comments on Interesting Two Weeks Just a Little Off Hello everyone , Bear here . It 's been a while since I last posted to my blog . You see , I 've had a rough week . Well , I had my second IV chemo treatment and the dose was reduced by 20 % due to the really bad reaction I had after the first treatment . Everything went well , at least at first . Mom and I headed to Scottsdale on Tuesday , February 28th . I really enjoy riding in the truck with mom . She talks to me on the trip and opens the back window for me if we 're not travelling too fast . On this trip , she popped in a CD of Bruce Springsteen 's audio book , " Born to Run " and we listened to it on the way to the oncologist . I like when he sings and for his book he did the audio recording , so it was an extra treat to have him ' talk ' to us during the trip . The tech in the office was really happy that mom kept a journal of my experiences and asked to copy the applicable pages for my medical file . This made it a lot easier than mom trying to relay all the information . They took me in the back and took some blood to test to see if things were OK for me to receive my IV treatment . Apparently , everything came back just fine and I was hooked up to an IV . Since I had such a drastic reaction to the first treatment , the oncologist told mom that I would need a blood test seven days after this treatment . At least I just have to go to Kachina Animal Hospital for that test and not take that long drive to Scottsdale . We drove home to Bruce Springsteen 's voice again . I had a great ride home . I started to get a little picky about what I would and would not eat . I was still eating my canned u / d with pumpkin , but preferred a delicacy called Trufood mixed with my dry food . Well , this worked for a few days . By the second day I started to get an upset stomach . Mom gave me my anti - nausea meds and things seemed to quiet down a bit . I was still eating my regular food but was getting a bit tired . I take some pill medication as well and mom typically wraps those pills in a tasty Pill Pocket and I swallow it whole ! Love those Pill Pockets , or at least I did . For some reason , things just didn 't taste or smell that good to me and I didn 't want to take my meds . Mom tried peanut butter , which was OK , but I just licked the PB and spit out the pill . Unfortunately , mom had to force me to take my meds . I know she doesn 't like to do it , and I couldn 't really explain why I was feeling bad and didn 't want to take them . I was getting really tired by the third day after my treatment . On day seven I went in for my blood draw . My temperature was normal , which is good considering it spiked quite high after the last treatment , but I still was not feeling good . I went downhill from there . I didn 't want to eat , even the Trufood wasn 't tasting too good to me . I wasn 't drinking much water either , which concerned mom quite a bit . I just didn 't know how to tell her I wasn 't feeling well . She stayed by my side trying to get me to eat and drink . She even tried spoon feeding me . I appreciated her trying so I would take a couple bites , but I just wasn 't interested . Mom went to the store on Friday and bought some huge chicken breasts . She put them in her crockpot with some chicken broth and let them cook for a few hours . In the meantime , she made some rice and some plain pasta . ( My mom 's Italian , so there is ALWAYS pasta in the house . ) Well , the rice tasted good , and so did the pasta . Then the chicken was finished and mom shredded it into a container and gave me some . That tasted pretty good too . I think I ate too much . I sort of got a little upset , but didn 't throw up . This was a rough day for me , and mom . She was really , really worried about me . I don 't think she slept well at all that night . I was exhausted and spent the entire night in the bedroom instead of roaming the house for different places to sleep . I know mom was up at least four times that night because she came over to check on me . She would pet me and talk to me for a few minutes , but I was so tired I barely lifted my head . I felt a little better this morning , but mom was still worried . She drove into town to drop off the track & field equipment for Special Olympics practice and let them know she had to hurry home to take care of me . My mom coaches Special Olympics , not sure you knew that . She told me she was coming right back so I waited for her . She was only gone for a little while but to me it seemed like , forever ! I have now eaten quite a bit of fresh cooked chicken today , it 's really all I want . I 'm starting to feel a little better but I 'm still tired . Mom has started wrapping my meds in sliced turkey or sliced roast beef . She thinks she 's fooling me , but I know there are pills in there . I 'm just glad the turkey or roast beef tastes good so I can just swallow it whole . I 'm hoping I feel even better tomorrow . Mom said she was going to stay with me as much as possible and that makes me feel better . I always feel better when mom is nearby . I hope she knows I 'm trying to get better . She has a special power called love that makes everything feel better . I feel it in her hands and see it in her eyes , even through her tears . Author bearsblog2017Posted on March 11 , 2017Categories Cancer in dogs , Dogs , Love11 Comments on Just a Little Off " A Dog 's Purpose " My mom went to the movies with a friend today . I stayed at home with dad . She came home after a few hours , sat down and told me all about the movie she had just seen . It was titled , " A Dog 's Purpose " . Now I know what a dog 's purpose is , but I guess some people don 't . Maybe they don 't have dogs in their lives to help them learn about our purpose . That 's kind of sad , because we have a lot to teach . Sometimes it 's tough to get it out and be understood by people . I think that may be because they are not truly open to communicating with us . After all there are some people who will say , " Oh , it 's just a dog . " I don 't go around saying , " Oh , it 's just a person . " I try to talk to everyone . I like talking to people and I like when they talk to me . Anyway , mom said the movie was about Bailey , a dog who had a young boy ( Ethan ) as a best friend . Ethan and Bailey did just about everything together . One thing they really liked to do was play together and Ethan taught Bailey a special trick with an old deflated football . Well , Ethan grew up and Bailey got a little older . After Ethan went away to college Bailey was feeling really sad , and old . One day , Ethan 's mom , and his grandparents , realized that Bailey wasn 't doing very well and took him to the Vet . Grandpa called Ethan who came home to be with Bailey as he crossed the Rainbow Bridge . Mom started crying when she was telling me that part . But then she talked about Bailey , and how he seemed to come back again , as a puppy . He was different , but still knew who he was . He also remembered Ethan and wondered how he was ever going to find him again . Well , Bailey went through a few more lives . Each time he found someone who really needed him and he helped them through some pretty tough times . I told mom , that 's what we do . Dogs love helping people through tough times because we know how much fun they can be when they are happy again . It 's like when mom is sad . This happens now when I 'm not feeling well , mostly after my treatments . Mom sits with me , pets me , brushes me , and tells me that she loves me . It 's these times when I feel her sadness , and all I want to do is to make her feel happy again . I look at her and ' tell ' her that I love her very much and that she needn 't worry so much about me , that I 'll be just fine . I ' tell ' her that we 'll get through these tough times , together . Bailey ends up , once again coming back and , unfortunately left to roam the streets by a not - too - nice person . He ends up in the same area where he and Ethan spent their summers , Ethan 's grandparents farm . Bailey recognizes some familiar smells and , of course , follows his nose . He finds Ethan , who is much older , but does not recognize Bailey . It 's OK because Ethan keeps this new dog ( which is really Bailey ) in his home . Finally , there is an opportunity for Bailey to show this much older Ethan that special trick he learned as a pup , when Ethan was a young boy . It finally clicks with Ethan , that standing in front of him is his Bailey , or as we find out very early in the film , his Bailey , Bailey , Bailey , Bailey , Bailey - or his Boss Dog . It was a really happy ending , after Bailey traveled those many years , and many miles , to find Ethan again . I hope it was a true story because I 'd like to be able do the same and travel wherever I have to , and as long as I have to , so I can find my mom again . I know that would make her happy . It would certainly make me happy . Text Widget This is a text widget . The Text Widget allows you to add text or HTML to your sidebar . You can use a text widget to display text , links , images , HTML , or a combination of these . Edit them in the Widget section of the Customizer . |
I talked to mom about it and she agreed to post this for me , you see by the time you read this I will have crossed the Rainbow Bridge . Mom got a little upset while we were talking and I did my best to console her . She asked if she could add a post script to this final post and , of course , I said she could and that I would be honored if she would . It will be nice for you to hear from my mom at this time . If you have a little bit of time , I 'm sure she 'd appreciate a comment or two . Well , here goes . I loved my life and the ones who shared it with me . They were caring and fun to be with . I went on a few adventures with mom and dad . I loved camping with them . We would sit outside the camper and enjoy the outdoors . Those were some of my favorite times . I wish I could have done more of that with them , but I am grateful for the memories we made . I appreciated all the good food and the wonderful care I had over the years . It 's tough getting old and as we age we need more medical attention sometimes . My mom was always keen to my medical needs . She knew when I wasn 't feeling well or when something wasn 't just quite right . I had a wonderful Vet , Dr . Julia Lynn at Kachina Animal Hospital . She , and all those who worked there were fabulous . I loved my dog brothers who went before me ( Taz and Joey ) as well as my cat brother ( Dante ) and cat sister ( Maya ) who I left behind to comfort mom and dad . I hope they are up to the task . Dante was sad when his dog brother , Taz , crossed the bridge . You see , Taz used to clean Dante 's ears all the time , but I think you may already know that . Anyway , after Taz passed , I took up that job . Dante seemed OK with it and we bonded over many an ear - cleaning session . Maya never liked her ears cleaned , but she would occasionally lie on the dog bed with me . She was nice . I enjoyed playing in the snow , even though we didn 't have much in our area . When we did , mom would run around with me out front , throwing snow balls for me to either catch or find . You know , it 's tough to find a snowball after it falls in the snow . Mom took lots and lots of photographs of me . Besides being a Personal Trainer she is somewhat of an amateur photographer . I didn 't really enjoy having my picture taken , but I tolerated it , for mom 's sake . One thing I want to pass on to you is to take lots of photographs , there are no cameras at the Rainbow Bridge . Last but not least , my mom . What can I say about the human who loved me unconditionally and provided for my every need throughout my life with her . I wish we could have found each other sooner , so we would have had more time together , but the time we did share was absolutely wonderful . I love her with all my heart and I hope that someday I will find my way back to her , and she to me . If you recall in an earlier post I talked about us exchanging pieces of our hearts , so we are able to keep each other near , now and in the future . I just wanted to let you all know that I have a piece of mom 's heart with me , something I will cherish always . She has a piece of my heart as well . She said when our hearts beat together we are always together , regardless of time and distance . I like that . I stroked his fur until it no longer felt familiar . I breathed in his scent until it no longer held his essence . I closed my eyes , let the tears fall , and said my last goodbye . Hi , Bear 's mom here . The journey with Bear has been difficult for me but he was strong throughout it , so I did my best to be strong for him as well . Thank you for your care , concern , comments , encouragement , and sharing of stories . I have read all of Bear 's posts and the responses by his many followers . I cannot begin to express my appreciation , and love , for all . I believe Bear wrote about anthropomorphism in his first blog in January of 2017 . He was correct when he told you about my academic writing and how I had to be extremely cautious to avoid anthropomorphizing things that were not human . I succeeded in my academic writings but not in my personal life , but that 's OK , and I would have it no other way . We are all connected in this universe , at a molecular level . Everything in the universe has an essence , that 's what makes them what they are . Bear had that , which is why anthropomorphizing is not applicable to him . He was family and always will be . I have had a number of fur - babies pass through my life ; they never stay long enough . And , although my heart is breaking and a piece has left with Bear , there will be another entering my life in the future . I am sure of it ; and , this new family member will join a heart that is comprised of many , many pieces of those who have passed through on their journey . I don 't know who it will be , when or where , but it will be soon , of that I am sure . Bear started something here that is important and I 'm sure he would want that to continue . I don 't know who will pick it up , perhaps Dante or Maya will begin to express their thoughts , then perhaps another who has yet to join us will take over . Whoever it is , someone will step in . They will never take Bear 's place , but they will add to the essence that remains in our home , the essence of all who have passed through as well as those yet to come . I finished my final scheduled IV chemo treatment on May 2 . The few days afterward were a little rough . Mom had to stay with me to help me get through them . Unfortunately , that meant she missed her most favorite trip , Special Olympics State Competition . I felt bad that she decided to stay home , but I 'm glad she did . I do so much better when mom is with me . She got updates throughout the weekend about Bradshaw Mountain Special Olympics and how they were doing . Apparently , they did very well , most of them having their best scores ( time and distance ) in their events . Josh and Ryan , mom 's pentathletes , beat their scores as well . She was very happy for them , but I know she missed seeing it first hand , and taking photos of all the activity . I had a 2 - week wash out period before I could begin my low - dose chemo pills . Those started on May 16th , and so far I 'm doing OK . I 'm still a little fussy about what I like to eat ; things just don 't smell that good to me yet . Mom has an infinite amount of patience with me and sits on the floor trying to get me to eat . Sometimes it takes 4 , 5 , or 6 tries of me sniffing at the food she offers . Most times I end up finally eating , and it tastes really good . Mom is still cooking my meals and giving me a variety of protein and carbohydrates . There is love in her cooking . This past Sunday we had some trouble , this time with Dante my cat brother . That 's him in the photo . Dante has renal issues , that 's kidney problems , and was diagnosed last year with lowered kidney function . Well , his kidneys must be getting worse . This past Saturday , mom and dad couldn 't find Dante in the house . They were calling and searching for a while and I was getting worried . They finally found him , tucked in mom 's closet , on top of her shoe boxes . Mom brought him out and sat with him in the living room , brushing his orange coat . He was purring loudly , I could hear him across the room . On Sunday he ended up hiding again , this time under mom 's printer table near the computer . When mom reached under to get him she said he was wet . Poor Dante had actually peed on himself . I felt really bad for him as I know that 's not good and he must have felt terrible not being able to make it to his litter box . Mom grabbed the cat carrier , put Dante in it , and then called the Emergency Vet Office . Luckily we have an ER Vet in the area . When she put Dante in the carrier , I knew something was wrong and I got really anxious . I was pacing around and sniffing at the carrier . I tried to tell Dante that mom would take good care of him and that he should try to relax , but he was meowing a bit . That made me a little upset as well . Mom took off for the ER Vet and left me home . She said she 'd be right back and that dad would be home soon . Sure enough , dad got home a little while later and together we waited for mom and Dante . Well , when mom got home , she didn 't have Dante with her and I was a little confused . I was wondering where he was and when he would be home . Mom sat down with me and told me that Dante was very sick and had to stay in the hospital overnight . He need constant care and some medical attention . She said he would get the best care possible and I know she was telling me the truth because , well , look at me and the care I 've received . Then she started talking about that bridge again , and that there was a possibility that it may be time for Dante to cross that bridge , without us . She was crying as she was telling me this and I tried to comfort her . I stuck close by her side for the rest of the night . We were together until about midnight when I went out for another pee - break and she finally went to bed . Mom called the ER Vet Monday morning for an update and told me that Dante was resting , that he was not in any pain , but we wouldn 't know much more than that until they did some blood tests later in the day . Mom 's crying a little today as we talk about it , but she 's holding up pretty well . I 'm going to stick close today as well . I ate all my breakfast , and then all my mid - morning snack . She feels better when I eat , so I 'm doing my best to help her through this . I guess we wait now . I hope Dante is doing OK and that he realizes that mom is thinking about him and making sure he gets whatever he needs at his point in his life . I hope he doesn 't have to cross the bridge , I like hanging out with him and cleaning his ears . I trust mom to make the right decisions . Her decisions are always made out of love . Chemo was on April 11th and I managed to get in and out of the Oncologist 's office in a little over an hour . Not having to go through an ultrasound and x - rays like last time really made a difference . I was well behaved and let the techs and the doctor do what they needed to do to get me through quickly . After I got out of the doctor 's office , mom and I headed north , toward home . She pulled over just north of Phoenix , into Anthem , and said we were going to stop for a break . She went in to Baskin Robbins and bought a small cup of ice cream . We drove across the street , into the park , to enjoy it together . The park is really nice . It was my first time there , mom 's too . This is the park that has the Veteran 's Memorial , a uniquely designed memorial of five pillars with slanted / oblong openings at different heights . These openings are lined up so that on every November 11 , at 11 : 11 AM , the sun shines through the openings and illuminates the Great Seal of the United States on the ground in front of the five pillars . Now , we were there in the late afternoon in April so of course we did not get to see this beautiful sight ; but , it was certainly impressive . Anyway , there is a lot of soft , green grass throughout the park with sidewalks winding through and around some of the small lakes . There is a train station , for kids , but the train was not running while we were there . Besides , there was sign that stated no dogs were allowed on the train . I think that 's discrimination , but I guess they can do what they want since it is their train . Mom sat on a bench while I stood near . I knew what was coming and was excited . She took the top off the ice cream and gave me a small amount on a spoon . She ate some as well . I wanted more and I wanted it quickly , but mom said I needed to slow down so I didn 't get an ' ice cream headache ' whatever that is . I got a few more spoons of delicious vanilla ice cream - what a treat ! We finished the ice cream then took a walk around an area of the park . I enjoyed the shade and the grass . It was nice to take some time to smell all the different smells that were all around me . There had been quite a few other dogs through this park , I could tell , and they left all kinds of messages for me . I did my best to leave some messages of my own , but after a few well - placed messages I didn 't have much left , if you get my meaning . I had a drink of water before we climbed back in the truck to start for home . Mom always brings a container of water on our trips . I 've become used to drinking our filtered well water . When I get offered ' city water ' I tend to refuse it as it smells different . I 'm glad that the days following my chemo treatment were not as bad as before . Mom has the whole food issue figured out so I was eating grilled beef or turkey burgers right away . I think having some good food in me helped to get me through the worst part . I still have to take meds to stave off nausea and to help me get over the diarrhea ( sorry about that ) , but I take those pretty well as long as they are wrapped in a piece of mozzarella . I should get my sense of taste and smell back a little more over the next few days which means I 'll start eating the chicken mom cooks for me and maybe the scrambled eggs she makes for me each morning . It just takes a few days for everything to get back on track . Author bearsblog2017Posted on April 16 , 2017Categories Cancer in dogs , Dogs , LoveLeave a comment on Happy Easter to those who celebrate The Bridge Talk We had some time today , to relax , to nap , and to just be with each other . Mom took some time to lie down next to me on one of my many beds and tell me a story . She said it was a story she had been meaning to tell me for a while now , but she just didn 't have the words . Today , she said she found the words . She talked about a bridge , somewhere in our future , that we would come upon . When we got to this bridge , she said she was going to have to stay on one side and I would have to go on without her , across the bridge . Now , I don 't like going anywhere without mom and I told her that I would rather stay with her or that she could walk across with me . But , she said this was a special bridge , one that she would not yet be able to cross . Mom said I had to be brave and take the journey without her on that day . There would come a day , in her distant future , when she would cross the same bridge , but it was inevitable that I would have to cross first , without her . She talked about how Taz and Joey , and even Othello , would be on the other side waiting to greet me . You see , they had to cross the bridge before me , also without mom , and when they did , they met some of the others who had crossed before them . Apparently , there were quite a few before me who lived with mom and dad and had already crossed this special bridge . I remembered Taz , Joey , and Othello , but didn 't know about the others . Anyway , she said that Taz and Joey and Othello would show me around and introduce me to everyone else . There would be soft grass on which I could run and play and I could take naps and eat whatever I wanted . She mentioned that I wouldn 't have any pain in my knees or hips , and I 'd be able to run like the wind . She also said I would no longer have cancer . It would always be great weather , no rain or wind , but if I wanted to play in the snow all I had to do was think about it and like magic there would be some snow for me . I thought that would be pretty neat . I got a little worried and asked her what I was going to do without her and how would she know I was doing OK ? She said that sometimes , those who have already crossed this bridge , get to come back and visit . She was sure that Taz and Joey and Othello had visited a few times , but she could not really see them . She said she felt them , in her heart , and that when it was my turn to visit her , she would feel me in her heart . She would know that I was nearby and she would smile , sometimes through tears , remembering the good times we had and the love we shared , the love we would always share because we had exchanged pieces of our hearts . If the thing about exchanging pieces of our hearts is true , and mom has done this with all those who have lived with her , then I guess mom 's heart is pretty big by now . Not only that , but there must be pieces of her heart in lots of fur babies on the other side of this bridge . She told me about Rusty , the first Bear , and Wendy who all lived with her when she first moved to AZ . She talked about Ashley , Papillion , and Rubin who traveled across the country when she and dad drove to their new home . Then there was Marshall and Mick and Sandy and Annie and Hershey and Angel , all fur babies who have lived in the house and in mom 's heart . That 's a lot of pieces of heart to hold on to , but mom seems to have managed it pretty well . We snuggled for a little while after she finished her story . She mentioned that she hoped we would not get to this bridge anytime soon and that we 'd have lots more time together . I told her I would do my best to stay with her , and dad , for a long time . I want to make lots more memories with mom and share more of my heart with her so that when the time comes for me to be brave and cross that bridge , a large piece of my heart will stay with her . I know I 'll be taking a piece of her heart with me when the time comes , but for now I think we 'll just stick close to each other . I had my third IV chemo treatment on Tuesday , March 21st . Along with the chemo that was scheduled I also had some chest x - rays and an ultrasound of my abdomen . Oh yeah , the regular blood work that goes with these treatments as well . As you can imagine it was a pretty full day . Mom and I left the house about 9 : 00 AM . I had mixed feelings about this trip . I sort of knew where I was going , so while I was happy to be riding in the truck with mom , I was not really excited about where I was going . We listened to more of Springsteen 's audio book , Born To Run , and I find his voice soothing , as does mom , so the trip was relatively uneventful . We arrived in plenty of time for my 11 : 00 ultrasound appointment . That 's when the fun started . For some reason , I ended up going in the back right about 11 : 00 to get ready , or so I thought , for my ultrasound . Well , when I got back there , the techs drew my blood so they could start those tests , but I didn 't go right to my ultrasound . I ended up waiting , and waiting , and waiting . I began to worry about mom , sitting out in the waiting room , probably wondering what was happening with me . I tried to tell someone that they should go out front to talk to mom and let her know what was happening , but I couldn 't get anyone 's attention . Apparently , there were a few emergencies at the vet 's office , next door , which was where I was supposed to get my ultrasound . That 's what was causing the backup . In the meantime , they took my chest x - rays . So , my blood work and my chest x - rays were done and we were just waiting on the ultrasound . Finally , it was my turn . Remember earlier when I said that I wasn 't too thrilled about this appointment today ? For an ultrasound , they have to roll me on my back in this V - shaped table thing , shave my tummy , and then do the test . Well , I was having none of it and tried to squirm my way off the table . No matter how hard they tried I would not lie still . I was starting to get really scared , I wanted to see my mom , I wanted her back there with me . They took me off the table and went out to talk to mom , finally ! When they came back I got a shot that made me a little sleepy and very relaxed . While I was dozing , they must have put me up on that table again because before I knew it I was waking up inside one of the large kennels . I had to stay in there for quite some time . I actually lost track of time , it seemed like forever and all I could think about was mom sitting out front , by herself , worrying about me . Again , I tried to tell somebody to go check on my mom , but I was still so tired I could barely speak . It took some time , but eventually I was hooked up to my IV chemo treatment . That seemed to go OK and within about an hour I was bounding out front to meet mom again so we could go home . I was really , really happy to see her , and she was happy to see me . She took me outside so I could pee , then gave me some water . We bring our own water when we take these trips . I don 't like ' city water ' and mom said she doesn 't want me drinking it either . First , she said we had been in the oncologist 's office for six hours . SIX HOURS ! That 's crazy . She mentioned that someone finally came out to let her know about the emergencies that had happened and why it was taking so long . She also let me know that my x - rays were clear , which is good . We certainly don 't want to see any problems in my chest and around my heart . That was great news . She also let me know that my ultrasound came back good as well . The oncologist advised there was no new growth of tumors , no change in anything that was already there . I guess the chemo is doing its job . I hope it continues to work and that I 'll have lots more time to spend with mom and dad . One of the reasons things seemed to take so long was my reluctance to lie still on my own . When I said I got a shot and then got a little sleepy it was because they had to sedate me in order to do the ultrasound . They had to tell mom first because she had to sign additional paperwork . When I was removed from the table the first time , to get the shot , I sort of lost my place in line . Well , that extended our wait time even further . By the time I started my IV chemo , after all these tests , it was already almost 4 : 00 PM . Keep in mind we left the house at 9 : 00 AM , arrived a little before 11 : 00 AM , and I spent most of the day in the back while mom waited out front . Actually , she said she drove to Whole Foods to get something to eat , but wasn 't gone for more than an hour because she didn 't want to be away in case something happened . After treatment , I was OK for Wednesday and Thursday , but by Friday I didn 't feel well . I didn 't want to eat much at all . Mom kept trying different things but most of the stuff she made for me just didn 't smell , or taste , good . I didn 't really eat much on Saturday either . Mom had to force some pills down my throat , which I didn 't care for , but I knew it was important . She said she was sorry each time . I understood . By Sunday , she tried something new . Mom made me scrambled eggs . You know , they tasted really good so I ate what she cooked . She was excited I was finally eating and made me another egg . Then that afternoon she grilled me a hamburger . Not just any hamburger , but the grass - fed ground beef burgers she buys for herself . She 's kind of a ' health - nut ' and tries to eat healthy food , so it was quite special that she made me one of her burgers . It tasted really good so I ate the whole thing . It took a few days before I started eating the chicken breast that she cooks for me , but I 've started back on that as well . Well , if you couldn 't figure it out yet , my diet has changed a bit . For breakfast , mom makes me two scrambled eggs mixed with some brown rice and some shredded chicken breast . For lunch I have more brown rice , more chicken , and a little of my dry U / D dog food . For dinner mom grills me either a beef burger or a turkey burger and then mixes it with a little brown rice and some of my dry dog food . I take my meds and supplements wrapped in small pieces of cheese , typically mozzarella or Havarti . Do you think I 'm a little spoiled ? Or maybe mom just loves me a lot . I 'm not sure , but I am enjoying my food again . After this last treatment , I had some of the same side - effects , but they were not as severe and did not last as long . It seems like I 'll have more good days between treatments this time around . That 's good and I know mom is happy about it too . I have my 4th treatment on April 11 and my 5th treatment on May 2nd . I hope things go as well as they did this time . Author bearsblog2017Posted on April 1 , 2017April 1 , 2017Categories Cancer in dogs , Dogs , Love3 Comments on Interesting Two Weeks Just a Little Off Hello everyone , Bear here . It 's been a while since I last posted to my blog . You see , I 've had a rough week . Well , I had my second IV chemo treatment and the dose was reduced by 20 % due to the really bad reaction I had after the first treatment . Everything went well , at least at first . Mom and I headed to Scottsdale on Tuesday , February 28th . I really enjoy riding in the truck with mom . She talks to me on the trip and opens the back window for me if we 're not travelling too fast . On this trip , she popped in a CD of Bruce Springsteen 's audio book , " Born to Run " and we listened to it on the way to the oncologist . I like when he sings and for his book he did the audio recording , so it was an extra treat to have him ' talk ' to us during the trip . The tech in the office was really happy that mom kept a journal of my experiences and asked to copy the applicable pages for my medical file . This made it a lot easier than mom trying to relay all the information . They took me in the back and took some blood to test to see if things were OK for me to receive my IV treatment . Apparently , everything came back just fine and I was hooked up to an IV . Since I had such a drastic reaction to the first treatment , the oncologist told mom that I would need a blood test seven days after this treatment . At least I just have to go to Kachina Animal Hospital for that test and not take that long drive to Scottsdale . We drove home to Bruce Springsteen 's voice again . I had a great ride home . I started to get a little picky about what I would and would not eat . I was still eating my canned u / d with pumpkin , but preferred a delicacy called Trufood mixed with my dry food . Well , this worked for a few days . By the second day I started to get an upset stomach . Mom gave me my anti - nausea meds and things seemed to quiet down a bit . I was still eating my regular food but was getting a bit tired . I take some pill medication as well and mom typically wraps those pills in a tasty Pill Pocket and I swallow it whole ! Love those Pill Pockets , or at least I did . For some reason , things just didn 't taste or smell that good to me and I didn 't want to take my meds . Mom tried peanut butter , which was OK , but I just licked the PB and spit out the pill . Unfortunately , mom had to force me to take my meds . I know she doesn 't like to do it , and I couldn 't really explain why I was feeling bad and didn 't want to take them . I was getting really tired by the third day after my treatment . On day seven I went in for my blood draw . My temperature was normal , which is good considering it spiked quite high after the last treatment , but I still was not feeling good . I went downhill from there . I didn 't want to eat , even the Trufood wasn 't tasting too good to me . I wasn 't drinking much water either , which concerned mom quite a bit . I just didn 't know how to tell her I wasn 't feeling well . She stayed by my side trying to get me to eat and drink . She even tried spoon feeding me . I appreciated her trying so I would take a couple bites , but I just wasn 't interested . Mom went to the store on Friday and bought some huge chicken breasts . She put them in her crockpot with some chicken broth and let them cook for a few hours . In the meantime , she made some rice and some plain pasta . ( My mom 's Italian , so there is ALWAYS pasta in the house . ) Well , the rice tasted good , and so did the pasta . Then the chicken was finished and mom shredded it into a container and gave me some . That tasted pretty good too . I think I ate too much . I sort of got a little upset , but didn 't throw up . This was a rough day for me , and mom . She was really , really worried about me . I don 't think she slept well at all that night . I was exhausted and spent the entire night in the bedroom instead of roaming the house for different places to sleep . I know mom was up at least four times that night because she came over to check on me . She would pet me and talk to me for a few minutes , but I was so tired I barely lifted my head . I felt a little better this morning , but mom was still worried . She drove into town to drop off the track & field equipment for Special Olympics practice and let them know she had to hurry home to take care of me . My mom coaches Special Olympics , not sure you knew that . She told me she was coming right back so I waited for her . She was only gone for a little while but to me it seemed like , forever ! I have now eaten quite a bit of fresh cooked chicken today , it 's really all I want . I 'm starting to feel a little better but I 'm still tired . Mom has started wrapping my meds in sliced turkey or sliced roast beef . She thinks she 's fooling me , but I know there are pills in there . I 'm just glad the turkey or roast beef tastes good so I can just swallow it whole . I 'm hoping I feel even better tomorrow . Mom said she was going to stay with me as much as possible and that makes me feel better . I always feel better when mom is nearby . I hope she knows I 'm trying to get better . She has a special power called love that makes everything feel better . I feel it in her hands and see it in her eyes , even through her tears . Author bearsblog2017Posted on March 11 , 2017Categories Cancer in dogs , Dogs , Love11 Comments on Just a Little Off " A Dog 's Purpose " My mom went to the movies with a friend today . I stayed at home with dad . She came home after a few hours , sat down and told me all about the movie she had just seen . It was titled , " A Dog 's Purpose " . Now I know what a dog 's purpose is , but I guess some people don 't . Maybe they don 't have dogs in their lives to help them learn about our purpose . That 's kind of sad , because we have a lot to teach . Sometimes it 's tough to get it out and be understood by people . I think that may be because they are not truly open to communicating with us . After all there are some people who will say , " Oh , it 's just a dog . " I don 't go around saying , " Oh , it 's just a person . " I try to talk to everyone . I like talking to people and I like when they talk to me . Anyway , mom said the movie was about Bailey , a dog who had a young boy ( Ethan ) as a best friend . Ethan and Bailey did just about everything together . One thing they really liked to do was play together and Ethan taught Bailey a special trick with an old deflated football . Well , Ethan grew up and Bailey got a little older . After Ethan went away to college Bailey was feeling really sad , and old . One day , Ethan 's mom , and his grandparents , realized that Bailey wasn 't doing very well and took him to the Vet . Grandpa called Ethan who came home to be with Bailey as he crossed the Rainbow Bridge . Mom started crying when she was telling me that part . But then she talked about Bailey , and how he seemed to come back again , as a puppy . He was different , but still knew who he was . He also remembered Ethan and wondered how he was ever going to find him again . Well , Bailey went through a few more lives . Each time he found someone who really needed him and he helped them through some pretty tough times . I told mom , that 's what we do . Dogs love helping people through tough times because we know how much fun they can be when they are happy again . It 's like when mom is sad . This happens now when I 'm not feeling well , mostly after my treatments . Mom sits with me , pets me , brushes me , and tells me that she loves me . It 's these times when I feel her sadness , and all I want to do is to make her feel happy again . I look at her and ' tell ' her that I love her very much and that she needn 't worry so much about me , that I 'll be just fine . I ' tell ' her that we 'll get through these tough times , together . Bailey ends up , once again coming back and , unfortunately left to roam the streets by a not - too - nice person . He ends up in the same area where he and Ethan spent their summers , Ethan 's grandparents farm . Bailey recognizes some familiar smells and , of course , follows his nose . He finds Ethan , who is much older , but does not recognize Bailey . It 's OK because Ethan keeps this new dog ( which is really Bailey ) in his home . Finally , there is an opportunity for Bailey to show this much older Ethan that special trick he learned as a pup , when Ethan was a young boy . It finally clicks with Ethan , that standing in front of him is his Bailey , or as we find out very early in the film , his Bailey , Bailey , Bailey , Bailey , Bailey - or his Boss Dog . It was a really happy ending , after Bailey traveled those many years , and many miles , to find Ethan again . I hope it was a true story because I 'd like to be able do the same and travel wherever I have to , and as long as I have to , so I can find my mom again . I know that would make her happy . It would certainly make me happy . Text Widget This is a text widget . The Text Widget allows you to add text or HTML to your sidebar . You can use a text widget to display text , links , images , HTML , or a combination of these . Edit them in the Widget section of the Customizer . |
I talked to mom about it and she agreed to post this for me , you see by the time you read this I will have crossed the Rainbow Bridge . Mom got a little upset while we were talking and I did my best to console her . She asked if she could add a post script to this final post and , of course , I said she could and that I would be honored if she would . It will be nice for you to hear from my mom at this time . If you have a little bit of time , I 'm sure she 'd appreciate a comment or two . Well , here goes . I loved my life and the ones who shared it with me . They were caring and fun to be with . I went on a few adventures with mom and dad . I loved camping with them . We would sit outside the camper and enjoy the outdoors . Those were some of my favorite times . I wish I could have done more of that with them , but I am grateful for the memories we made . I appreciated all the good food and the wonderful care I had over the years . It 's tough getting old and as we age we need more medical attention sometimes . My mom was always keen to my medical needs . She knew when I wasn 't feeling well or when something wasn 't just quite right . I had a wonderful Vet , Dr . Julia Lynn at Kachina Animal Hospital . She , and all those who worked there were fabulous . I loved my dog brothers who went before me ( Taz and Joey ) as well as my cat brother ( Dante ) and cat sister ( Maya ) who I left behind to comfort mom and dad . I hope they are up to the task . Dante was sad when his dog brother , Taz , crossed the bridge . You see , Taz used to clean Dante 's ears all the time , but I think you may already know that . Anyway , after Taz passed , I took up that job . Dante seemed OK with it and we bonded over many an ear - cleaning session . Maya never liked her ears cleaned , but she would occasionally lie on the dog bed with me . She was nice . I enjoyed playing in the snow , even though we didn 't have much in our area . When we did , mom would run around with me out front , throwing snow balls for me to either catch or find . You know , it 's tough to find a snowball after it falls in the snow . Mom took lots and lots of photographs of me . Besides being a Personal Trainer she is somewhat of an amateur photographer . I didn 't really enjoy having my picture taken , but I tolerated it , for mom 's sake . One thing I want to pass on to you is to take lots of photographs , there are no cameras at the Rainbow Bridge . Last but not least , my mom . What can I say about the human who loved me unconditionally and provided for my every need throughout my life with her . I wish we could have found each other sooner , so we would have had more time together , but the time we did share was absolutely wonderful . I love her with all my heart and I hope that someday I will find my way back to her , and she to me . If you recall in an earlier post I talked about us exchanging pieces of our hearts , so we are able to keep each other near , now and in the future . I just wanted to let you all know that I have a piece of mom 's heart with me , something I will cherish always . She has a piece of my heart as well . She said when our hearts beat together we are always together , regardless of time and distance . I like that . I stroked his fur until it no longer felt familiar . I breathed in his scent until it no longer held his essence . I closed my eyes , let the tears fall , and said my last goodbye . Hi , Bear 's mom here . The journey with Bear has been difficult for me but he was strong throughout it , so I did my best to be strong for him as well . Thank you for your care , concern , comments , encouragement , and sharing of stories . I have read all of Bear 's posts and the responses by his many followers . I cannot begin to express my appreciation , and love , for all . I believe Bear wrote about anthropomorphism in his first blog in January of 2017 . He was correct when he told you about my academic writing and how I had to be extremely cautious to avoid anthropomorphizing things that were not human . I succeeded in my academic writings but not in my personal life , but that 's OK , and I would have it no other way . We are all connected in this universe , at a molecular level . Everything in the universe has an essence , that 's what makes them what they are . Bear had that , which is why anthropomorphizing is not applicable to him . He was family and always will be . I have had a number of fur - babies pass through my life ; they never stay long enough . And , although my heart is breaking and a piece has left with Bear , there will be another entering my life in the future . I am sure of it ; and , this new family member will join a heart that is comprised of many , many pieces of those who have passed through on their journey . I don 't know who it will be , when or where , but it will be soon , of that I am sure . Bear started something here that is important and I 'm sure he would want that to continue . I don 't know who will pick it up , perhaps Dante or Maya will begin to express their thoughts , then perhaps another who has yet to join us will take over . Whoever it is , someone will step in . They will never take Bear 's place , but they will add to the essence that remains in our home , the essence of all who have passed through as well as those yet to come . I finished my final scheduled IV chemo treatment on May 2 . The few days afterward were a little rough . Mom had to stay with me to help me get through them . Unfortunately , that meant she missed her most favorite trip , Special Olympics State Competition . I felt bad that she decided to stay home , but I 'm glad she did . I do so much better when mom is with me . She got updates throughout the weekend about Bradshaw Mountain Special Olympics and how they were doing . Apparently , they did very well , most of them having their best scores ( time and distance ) in their events . Josh and Ryan , mom 's pentathletes , beat their scores as well . She was very happy for them , but I know she missed seeing it first hand , and taking photos of all the activity . I had a 2 - week wash out period before I could begin my low - dose chemo pills . Those started on May 16th , and so far I 'm doing OK . I 'm still a little fussy about what I like to eat ; things just don 't smell that good to me yet . Mom has an infinite amount of patience with me and sits on the floor trying to get me to eat . Sometimes it takes 4 , 5 , or 6 tries of me sniffing at the food she offers . Most times I end up finally eating , and it tastes really good . Mom is still cooking my meals and giving me a variety of protein and carbohydrates . There is love in her cooking . This past Sunday we had some trouble , this time with Dante my cat brother . That 's him in the photo . Dante has renal issues , that 's kidney problems , and was diagnosed last year with lowered kidney function . Well , his kidneys must be getting worse . This past Saturday , mom and dad couldn 't find Dante in the house . They were calling and searching for a while and I was getting worried . They finally found him , tucked in mom 's closet , on top of her shoe boxes . Mom brought him out and sat with him in the living room , brushing his orange coat . He was purring loudly , I could hear him across the room . On Sunday he ended up hiding again , this time under mom 's printer table near the computer . When mom reached under to get him she said he was wet . Poor Dante had actually peed on himself . I felt really bad for him as I know that 's not good and he must have felt terrible not being able to make it to his litter box . Mom grabbed the cat carrier , put Dante in it , and then called the Emergency Vet Office . Luckily we have an ER Vet in the area . When she put Dante in the carrier , I knew something was wrong and I got really anxious . I was pacing around and sniffing at the carrier . I tried to tell Dante that mom would take good care of him and that he should try to relax , but he was meowing a bit . That made me a little upset as well . Mom took off for the ER Vet and left me home . She said she 'd be right back and that dad would be home soon . Sure enough , dad got home a little while later and together we waited for mom and Dante . Well , when mom got home , she didn 't have Dante with her and I was a little confused . I was wondering where he was and when he would be home . Mom sat down with me and told me that Dante was very sick and had to stay in the hospital overnight . He need constant care and some medical attention . She said he would get the best care possible and I know she was telling me the truth because , well , look at me and the care I 've received . Then she started talking about that bridge again , and that there was a possibility that it may be time for Dante to cross that bridge , without us . She was crying as she was telling me this and I tried to comfort her . I stuck close by her side for the rest of the night . We were together until about midnight when I went out for another pee - break and she finally went to bed . Mom called the ER Vet Monday morning for an update and told me that Dante was resting , that he was not in any pain , but we wouldn 't know much more than that until they did some blood tests later in the day . Mom 's crying a little today as we talk about it , but she 's holding up pretty well . I 'm going to stick close today as well . I ate all my breakfast , and then all my mid - morning snack . She feels better when I eat , so I 'm doing my best to help her through this . I guess we wait now . I hope Dante is doing OK and that he realizes that mom is thinking about him and making sure he gets whatever he needs at his point in his life . I hope he doesn 't have to cross the bridge , I like hanging out with him and cleaning his ears . I trust mom to make the right decisions . Her decisions are always made out of love . Chemo was on April 11th and I managed to get in and out of the Oncologist 's office in a little over an hour . Not having to go through an ultrasound and x - rays like last time really made a difference . I was well behaved and let the techs and the doctor do what they needed to do to get me through quickly . After I got out of the doctor 's office , mom and I headed north , toward home . She pulled over just north of Phoenix , into Anthem , and said we were going to stop for a break . She went in to Baskin Robbins and bought a small cup of ice cream . We drove across the street , into the park , to enjoy it together . The park is really nice . It was my first time there , mom 's too . This is the park that has the Veteran 's Memorial , a uniquely designed memorial of five pillars with slanted / oblong openings at different heights . These openings are lined up so that on every November 11 , at 11 : 11 AM , the sun shines through the openings and illuminates the Great Seal of the United States on the ground in front of the five pillars . Now , we were there in the late afternoon in April so of course we did not get to see this beautiful sight ; but , it was certainly impressive . Anyway , there is a lot of soft , green grass throughout the park with sidewalks winding through and around some of the small lakes . There is a train station , for kids , but the train was not running while we were there . Besides , there was sign that stated no dogs were allowed on the train . I think that 's discrimination , but I guess they can do what they want since it is their train . Mom sat on a bench while I stood near . I knew what was coming and was excited . She took the top off the ice cream and gave me a small amount on a spoon . She ate some as well . I wanted more and I wanted it quickly , but mom said I needed to slow down so I didn 't get an ' ice cream headache ' whatever that is . I got a few more spoons of delicious vanilla ice cream - what a treat ! We finished the ice cream then took a walk around an area of the park . I enjoyed the shade and the grass . It was nice to take some time to smell all the different smells that were all around me . There had been quite a few other dogs through this park , I could tell , and they left all kinds of messages for me . I did my best to leave some messages of my own , but after a few well - placed messages I didn 't have much left , if you get my meaning . I had a drink of water before we climbed back in the truck to start for home . Mom always brings a container of water on our trips . I 've become used to drinking our filtered well water . When I get offered ' city water ' I tend to refuse it as it smells different . I 'm glad that the days following my chemo treatment were not as bad as before . Mom has the whole food issue figured out so I was eating grilled beef or turkey burgers right away . I think having some good food in me helped to get me through the worst part . I still have to take meds to stave off nausea and to help me get over the diarrhea ( sorry about that ) , but I take those pretty well as long as they are wrapped in a piece of mozzarella . I should get my sense of taste and smell back a little more over the next few days which means I 'll start eating the chicken mom cooks for me and maybe the scrambled eggs she makes for me each morning . It just takes a few days for everything to get back on track . Author bearsblog2017Posted on April 16 , 2017Categories Cancer in dogs , Dogs , LoveLeave a comment on Happy Easter to those who celebrate The Bridge Talk We had some time today , to relax , to nap , and to just be with each other . Mom took some time to lie down next to me on one of my many beds and tell me a story . She said it was a story she had been meaning to tell me for a while now , but she just didn 't have the words . Today , she said she found the words . She talked about a bridge , somewhere in our future , that we would come upon . When we got to this bridge , she said she was going to have to stay on one side and I would have to go on without her , across the bridge . Now , I don 't like going anywhere without mom and I told her that I would rather stay with her or that she could walk across with me . But , she said this was a special bridge , one that she would not yet be able to cross . Mom said I had to be brave and take the journey without her on that day . There would come a day , in her distant future , when she would cross the same bridge , but it was inevitable that I would have to cross first , without her . She talked about how Taz and Joey , and even Othello , would be on the other side waiting to greet me . You see , they had to cross the bridge before me , also without mom , and when they did , they met some of the others who had crossed before them . Apparently , there were quite a few before me who lived with mom and dad and had already crossed this special bridge . I remembered Taz , Joey , and Othello , but didn 't know about the others . Anyway , she said that Taz and Joey and Othello would show me around and introduce me to everyone else . There would be soft grass on which I could run and play and I could take naps and eat whatever I wanted . She mentioned that I wouldn 't have any pain in my knees or hips , and I 'd be able to run like the wind . She also said I would no longer have cancer . It would always be great weather , no rain or wind , but if I wanted to play in the snow all I had to do was think about it and like magic there would be some snow for me . I thought that would be pretty neat . I got a little worried and asked her what I was going to do without her and how would she know I was doing OK ? She said that sometimes , those who have already crossed this bridge , get to come back and visit . She was sure that Taz and Joey and Othello had visited a few times , but she could not really see them . She said she felt them , in her heart , and that when it was my turn to visit her , she would feel me in her heart . She would know that I was nearby and she would smile , sometimes through tears , remembering the good times we had and the love we shared , the love we would always share because we had exchanged pieces of our hearts . If the thing about exchanging pieces of our hearts is true , and mom has done this with all those who have lived with her , then I guess mom 's heart is pretty big by now . Not only that , but there must be pieces of her heart in lots of fur babies on the other side of this bridge . She told me about Rusty , the first Bear , and Wendy who all lived with her when she first moved to AZ . She talked about Ashley , Papillion , and Rubin who traveled across the country when she and dad drove to their new home . Then there was Marshall and Mick and Sandy and Annie and Hershey and Angel , all fur babies who have lived in the house and in mom 's heart . That 's a lot of pieces of heart to hold on to , but mom seems to have managed it pretty well . We snuggled for a little while after she finished her story . She mentioned that she hoped we would not get to this bridge anytime soon and that we 'd have lots more time together . I told her I would do my best to stay with her , and dad , for a long time . I want to make lots more memories with mom and share more of my heart with her so that when the time comes for me to be brave and cross that bridge , a large piece of my heart will stay with her . I know I 'll be taking a piece of her heart with me when the time comes , but for now I think we 'll just stick close to each other . I had my third IV chemo treatment on Tuesday , March 21st . Along with the chemo that was scheduled I also had some chest x - rays and an ultrasound of my abdomen . Oh yeah , the regular blood work that goes with these treatments as well . As you can imagine it was a pretty full day . Mom and I left the house about 9 : 00 AM . I had mixed feelings about this trip . I sort of knew where I was going , so while I was happy to be riding in the truck with mom , I was not really excited about where I was going . We listened to more of Springsteen 's audio book , Born To Run , and I find his voice soothing , as does mom , so the trip was relatively uneventful . We arrived in plenty of time for my 11 : 00 ultrasound appointment . That 's when the fun started . For some reason , I ended up going in the back right about 11 : 00 to get ready , or so I thought , for my ultrasound . Well , when I got back there , the techs drew my blood so they could start those tests , but I didn 't go right to my ultrasound . I ended up waiting , and waiting , and waiting . I began to worry about mom , sitting out in the waiting room , probably wondering what was happening with me . I tried to tell someone that they should go out front to talk to mom and let her know what was happening , but I couldn 't get anyone 's attention . Apparently , there were a few emergencies at the vet 's office , next door , which was where I was supposed to get my ultrasound . That 's what was causing the backup . In the meantime , they took my chest x - rays . So , my blood work and my chest x - rays were done and we were just waiting on the ultrasound . Finally , it was my turn . Remember earlier when I said that I wasn 't too thrilled about this appointment today ? For an ultrasound , they have to roll me on my back in this V - shaped table thing , shave my tummy , and then do the test . Well , I was having none of it and tried to squirm my way off the table . No matter how hard they tried I would not lie still . I was starting to get really scared , I wanted to see my mom , I wanted her back there with me . They took me off the table and went out to talk to mom , finally ! When they came back I got a shot that made me a little sleepy and very relaxed . While I was dozing , they must have put me up on that table again because before I knew it I was waking up inside one of the large kennels . I had to stay in there for quite some time . I actually lost track of time , it seemed like forever and all I could think about was mom sitting out front , by herself , worrying about me . Again , I tried to tell somebody to go check on my mom , but I was still so tired I could barely speak . It took some time , but eventually I was hooked up to my IV chemo treatment . That seemed to go OK and within about an hour I was bounding out front to meet mom again so we could go home . I was really , really happy to see her , and she was happy to see me . She took me outside so I could pee , then gave me some water . We bring our own water when we take these trips . I don 't like ' city water ' and mom said she doesn 't want me drinking it either . First , she said we had been in the oncologist 's office for six hours . SIX HOURS ! That 's crazy . She mentioned that someone finally came out to let her know about the emergencies that had happened and why it was taking so long . She also let me know that my x - rays were clear , which is good . We certainly don 't want to see any problems in my chest and around my heart . That was great news . She also let me know that my ultrasound came back good as well . The oncologist advised there was no new growth of tumors , no change in anything that was already there . I guess the chemo is doing its job . I hope it continues to work and that I 'll have lots more time to spend with mom and dad . One of the reasons things seemed to take so long was my reluctance to lie still on my own . When I said I got a shot and then got a little sleepy it was because they had to sedate me in order to do the ultrasound . They had to tell mom first because she had to sign additional paperwork . When I was removed from the table the first time , to get the shot , I sort of lost my place in line . Well , that extended our wait time even further . By the time I started my IV chemo , after all these tests , it was already almost 4 : 00 PM . Keep in mind we left the house at 9 : 00 AM , arrived a little before 11 : 00 AM , and I spent most of the day in the back while mom waited out front . Actually , she said she drove to Whole Foods to get something to eat , but wasn 't gone for more than an hour because she didn 't want to be away in case something happened . After treatment , I was OK for Wednesday and Thursday , but by Friday I didn 't feel well . I didn 't want to eat much at all . Mom kept trying different things but most of the stuff she made for me just didn 't smell , or taste , good . I didn 't really eat much on Saturday either . Mom had to force some pills down my throat , which I didn 't care for , but I knew it was important . She said she was sorry each time . I understood . By Sunday , she tried something new . Mom made me scrambled eggs . You know , they tasted really good so I ate what she cooked . She was excited I was finally eating and made me another egg . Then that afternoon she grilled me a hamburger . Not just any hamburger , but the grass - fed ground beef burgers she buys for herself . She 's kind of a ' health - nut ' and tries to eat healthy food , so it was quite special that she made me one of her burgers . It tasted really good so I ate the whole thing . It took a few days before I started eating the chicken breast that she cooks for me , but I 've started back on that as well . Well , if you couldn 't figure it out yet , my diet has changed a bit . For breakfast , mom makes me two scrambled eggs mixed with some brown rice and some shredded chicken breast . For lunch I have more brown rice , more chicken , and a little of my dry U / D dog food . For dinner mom grills me either a beef burger or a turkey burger and then mixes it with a little brown rice and some of my dry dog food . I take my meds and supplements wrapped in small pieces of cheese , typically mozzarella or Havarti . Do you think I 'm a little spoiled ? Or maybe mom just loves me a lot . I 'm not sure , but I am enjoying my food again . After this last treatment , I had some of the same side - effects , but they were not as severe and did not last as long . It seems like I 'll have more good days between treatments this time around . That 's good and I know mom is happy about it too . I have my 4th treatment on April 11 and my 5th treatment on May 2nd . I hope things go as well as they did this time . Author bearsblog2017Posted on April 1 , 2017April 1 , 2017Categories Cancer in dogs , Dogs , Love3 Comments on Interesting Two Weeks Just a Little Off Hello everyone , Bear here . It 's been a while since I last posted to my blog . You see , I 've had a rough week . Well , I had my second IV chemo treatment and the dose was reduced by 20 % due to the really bad reaction I had after the first treatment . Everything went well , at least at first . Mom and I headed to Scottsdale on Tuesday , February 28th . I really enjoy riding in the truck with mom . She talks to me on the trip and opens the back window for me if we 're not travelling too fast . On this trip , she popped in a CD of Bruce Springsteen 's audio book , " Born to Run " and we listened to it on the way to the oncologist . I like when he sings and for his book he did the audio recording , so it was an extra treat to have him ' talk ' to us during the trip . The tech in the office was really happy that mom kept a journal of my experiences and asked to copy the applicable pages for my medical file . This made it a lot easier than mom trying to relay all the information . They took me in the back and took some blood to test to see if things were OK for me to receive my IV treatment . Apparently , everything came back just fine and I was hooked up to an IV . Since I had such a drastic reaction to the first treatment , the oncologist told mom that I would need a blood test seven days after this treatment . At least I just have to go to Kachina Animal Hospital for that test and not take that long drive to Scottsdale . We drove home to Bruce Springsteen 's voice again . I had a great ride home . I started to get a little picky about what I would and would not eat . I was still eating my canned u / d with pumpkin , but preferred a delicacy called Trufood mixed with my dry food . Well , this worked for a few days . By the second day I started to get an upset stomach . Mom gave me my anti - nausea meds and things seemed to quiet down a bit . I was still eating my regular food but was getting a bit tired . I take some pill medication as well and mom typically wraps those pills in a tasty Pill Pocket and I swallow it whole ! Love those Pill Pockets , or at least I did . For some reason , things just didn 't taste or smell that good to me and I didn 't want to take my meds . Mom tried peanut butter , which was OK , but I just licked the PB and spit out the pill . Unfortunately , mom had to force me to take my meds . I know she doesn 't like to do it , and I couldn 't really explain why I was feeling bad and didn 't want to take them . I was getting really tired by the third day after my treatment . On day seven I went in for my blood draw . My temperature was normal , which is good considering it spiked quite high after the last treatment , but I still was not feeling good . I went downhill from there . I didn 't want to eat , even the Trufood wasn 't tasting too good to me . I wasn 't drinking much water either , which concerned mom quite a bit . I just didn 't know how to tell her I wasn 't feeling well . She stayed by my side trying to get me to eat and drink . She even tried spoon feeding me . I appreciated her trying so I would take a couple bites , but I just wasn 't interested . Mom went to the store on Friday and bought some huge chicken breasts . She put them in her crockpot with some chicken broth and let them cook for a few hours . In the meantime , she made some rice and some plain pasta . ( My mom 's Italian , so there is ALWAYS pasta in the house . ) Well , the rice tasted good , and so did the pasta . Then the chicken was finished and mom shredded it into a container and gave me some . That tasted pretty good too . I think I ate too much . I sort of got a little upset , but didn 't throw up . This was a rough day for me , and mom . She was really , really worried about me . I don 't think she slept well at all that night . I was exhausted and spent the entire night in the bedroom instead of roaming the house for different places to sleep . I know mom was up at least four times that night because she came over to check on me . She would pet me and talk to me for a few minutes , but I was so tired I barely lifted my head . I felt a little better this morning , but mom was still worried . She drove into town to drop off the track & field equipment for Special Olympics practice and let them know she had to hurry home to take care of me . My mom coaches Special Olympics , not sure you knew that . She told me she was coming right back so I waited for her . She was only gone for a little while but to me it seemed like , forever ! I have now eaten quite a bit of fresh cooked chicken today , it 's really all I want . I 'm starting to feel a little better but I 'm still tired . Mom has started wrapping my meds in sliced turkey or sliced roast beef . She thinks she 's fooling me , but I know there are pills in there . I 'm just glad the turkey or roast beef tastes good so I can just swallow it whole . I 'm hoping I feel even better tomorrow . Mom said she was going to stay with me as much as possible and that makes me feel better . I always feel better when mom is nearby . I hope she knows I 'm trying to get better . She has a special power called love that makes everything feel better . I feel it in her hands and see it in her eyes , even through her tears . Author bearsblog2017Posted on March 11 , 2017Categories Cancer in dogs , Dogs , Love11 Comments on Just a Little Off " A Dog 's Purpose " My mom went to the movies with a friend today . I stayed at home with dad . She came home after a few hours , sat down and told me all about the movie she had just seen . It was titled , " A Dog 's Purpose " . Now I know what a dog 's purpose is , but I guess some people don 't . Maybe they don 't have dogs in their lives to help them learn about our purpose . That 's kind of sad , because we have a lot to teach . Sometimes it 's tough to get it out and be understood by people . I think that may be because they are not truly open to communicating with us . After all there are some people who will say , " Oh , it 's just a dog . " I don 't go around saying , " Oh , it 's just a person . " I try to talk to everyone . I like talking to people and I like when they talk to me . Anyway , mom said the movie was about Bailey , a dog who had a young boy ( Ethan ) as a best friend . Ethan and Bailey did just about everything together . One thing they really liked to do was play together and Ethan taught Bailey a special trick with an old deflated football . Well , Ethan grew up and Bailey got a little older . After Ethan went away to college Bailey was feeling really sad , and old . One day , Ethan 's mom , and his grandparents , realized that Bailey wasn 't doing very well and took him to the Vet . Grandpa called Ethan who came home to be with Bailey as he crossed the Rainbow Bridge . Mom started crying when she was telling me that part . But then she talked about Bailey , and how he seemed to come back again , as a puppy . He was different , but still knew who he was . He also remembered Ethan and wondered how he was ever going to find him again . Well , Bailey went through a few more lives . Each time he found someone who really needed him and he helped them through some pretty tough times . I told mom , that 's what we do . Dogs love helping people through tough times because we know how much fun they can be when they are happy again . It 's like when mom is sad . This happens now when I 'm not feeling well , mostly after my treatments . Mom sits with me , pets me , brushes me , and tells me that she loves me . It 's these times when I feel her sadness , and all I want to do is to make her feel happy again . I look at her and ' tell ' her that I love her very much and that she needn 't worry so much about me , that I 'll be just fine . I ' tell ' her that we 'll get through these tough times , together . Bailey ends up , once again coming back and , unfortunately left to roam the streets by a not - too - nice person . He ends up in the same area where he and Ethan spent their summers , Ethan 's grandparents farm . Bailey recognizes some familiar smells and , of course , follows his nose . He finds Ethan , who is much older , but does not recognize Bailey . It 's OK because Ethan keeps this new dog ( which is really Bailey ) in his home . Finally , there is an opportunity for Bailey to show this much older Ethan that special trick he learned as a pup , when Ethan was a young boy . It finally clicks with Ethan , that standing in front of him is his Bailey , or as we find out very early in the film , his Bailey , Bailey , Bailey , Bailey , Bailey - or his Boss Dog . It was a really happy ending , after Bailey traveled those many years , and many miles , to find Ethan again . I hope it was a true story because I 'd like to be able do the same and travel wherever I have to , and as long as I have to , so I can find my mom again . I know that would make her happy . It would certainly make me happy . Text Widget This is a text widget . The Text Widget allows you to add text or HTML to your sidebar . You can use a text widget to display text , links , images , HTML , or a combination of these . Edit them in the Widget section of the Customizer . |
I talked to mom about it and she agreed to post this for me , you see by the time you read this I will have crossed the Rainbow Bridge . Mom got a little upset while we were talking and I did my best to console her . She asked if she could add a post script to this final post and , of course , I said she could and that I would be honored if she would . It will be nice for you to hear from my mom at this time . If you have a little bit of time , I 'm sure she 'd appreciate a comment or two . Well , here goes . I loved my life and the ones who shared it with me . They were caring and fun to be with . I went on a few adventures with mom and dad . I loved camping with them . We would sit outside the camper and enjoy the outdoors . Those were some of my favorite times . I wish I could have done more of that with them , but I am grateful for the memories we made . I appreciated all the good food and the wonderful care I had over the years . It 's tough getting old and as we age we need more medical attention sometimes . My mom was always keen to my medical needs . She knew when I wasn 't feeling well or when something wasn 't just quite right . I had a wonderful Vet , Dr . Julia Lynn at Kachina Animal Hospital . She , and all those who worked there were fabulous . I loved my dog brothers who went before me ( Taz and Joey ) as well as my cat brother ( Dante ) and cat sister ( Maya ) who I left behind to comfort mom and dad . I hope they are up to the task . Dante was sad when his dog brother , Taz , crossed the bridge . You see , Taz used to clean Dante 's ears all the time , but I think you may already know that . Anyway , after Taz passed , I took up that job . Dante seemed OK with it and we bonded over many an ear - cleaning session . Maya never liked her ears cleaned , but she would occasionally lie on the dog bed with me . She was nice . I enjoyed playing in the snow , even though we didn 't have much in our area . When we did , mom would run around with me out front , throwing snow balls for me to either catch or find . You know , it 's tough to find a snowball after it falls in the snow . Mom took lots and lots of photographs of me . Besides being a Personal Trainer she is somewhat of an amateur photographer . I didn 't really enjoy having my picture taken , but I tolerated it , for mom 's sake . One thing I want to pass on to you is to take lots of photographs , there are no cameras at the Rainbow Bridge . Last but not least , my mom . What can I say about the human who loved me unconditionally and provided for my every need throughout my life with her . I wish we could have found each other sooner , so we would have had more time together , but the time we did share was absolutely wonderful . I love her with all my heart and I hope that someday I will find my way back to her , and she to me . If you recall in an earlier post I talked about us exchanging pieces of our hearts , so we are able to keep each other near , now and in the future . I just wanted to let you all know that I have a piece of mom 's heart with me , something I will cherish always . She has a piece of my heart as well . She said when our hearts beat together we are always together , regardless of time and distance . I like that . I stroked his fur until it no longer felt familiar . I breathed in his scent until it no longer held his essence . I closed my eyes , let the tears fall , and said my last goodbye . Hi , Bear 's mom here . The journey with Bear has been difficult for me but he was strong throughout it , so I did my best to be strong for him as well . Thank you for your care , concern , comments , encouragement , and sharing of stories . I have read all of Bear 's posts and the responses by his many followers . I cannot begin to express my appreciation , and love , for all . I believe Bear wrote about anthropomorphism in his first blog in January of 2017 . He was correct when he told you about my academic writing and how I had to be extremely cautious to avoid anthropomorphizing things that were not human . I succeeded in my academic writings but not in my personal life , but that 's OK , and I would have it no other way . We are all connected in this universe , at a molecular level . Everything in the universe has an essence , that 's what makes them what they are . Bear had that , which is why anthropomorphizing is not applicable to him . He was family and always will be . I have had a number of fur - babies pass through my life ; they never stay long enough . And , although my heart is breaking and a piece has left with Bear , there will be another entering my life in the future . I am sure of it ; and , this new family member will join a heart that is comprised of many , many pieces of those who have passed through on their journey . I don 't know who it will be , when or where , but it will be soon , of that I am sure . Bear started something here that is important and I 'm sure he would want that to continue . I don 't know who will pick it up , perhaps Dante or Maya will begin to express their thoughts , then perhaps another who has yet to join us will take over . Whoever it is , someone will step in . They will never take Bear 's place , but they will add to the essence that remains in our home , the essence of all who have passed through as well as those yet to come . I finished my final scheduled IV chemo treatment on May 2 . The few days afterward were a little rough . Mom had to stay with me to help me get through them . Unfortunately , that meant she missed her most favorite trip , Special Olympics State Competition . I felt bad that she decided to stay home , but I 'm glad she did . I do so much better when mom is with me . She got updates throughout the weekend about Bradshaw Mountain Special Olympics and how they were doing . Apparently , they did very well , most of them having their best scores ( time and distance ) in their events . Josh and Ryan , mom 's pentathletes , beat their scores as well . She was very happy for them , but I know she missed seeing it first hand , and taking photos of all the activity . I had a 2 - week wash out period before I could begin my low - dose chemo pills . Those started on May 16th , and so far I 'm doing OK . I 'm still a little fussy about what I like to eat ; things just don 't smell that good to me yet . Mom has an infinite amount of patience with me and sits on the floor trying to get me to eat . Sometimes it takes 4 , 5 , or 6 tries of me sniffing at the food she offers . Most times I end up finally eating , and it tastes really good . Mom is still cooking my meals and giving me a variety of protein and carbohydrates . There is love in her cooking . This past Sunday we had some trouble , this time with Dante my cat brother . That 's him in the photo . Dante has renal issues , that 's kidney problems , and was diagnosed last year with lowered kidney function . Well , his kidneys must be getting worse . This past Saturday , mom and dad couldn 't find Dante in the house . They were calling and searching for a while and I was getting worried . They finally found him , tucked in mom 's closet , on top of her shoe boxes . Mom brought him out and sat with him in the living room , brushing his orange coat . He was purring loudly , I could hear him across the room . On Sunday he ended up hiding again , this time under mom 's printer table near the computer . When mom reached under to get him she said he was wet . Poor Dante had actually peed on himself . I felt really bad for him as I know that 's not good and he must have felt terrible not being able to make it to his litter box . Mom grabbed the cat carrier , put Dante in it , and then called the Emergency Vet Office . Luckily we have an ER Vet in the area . When she put Dante in the carrier , I knew something was wrong and I got really anxious . I was pacing around and sniffing at the carrier . I tried to tell Dante that mom would take good care of him and that he should try to relax , but he was meowing a bit . That made me a little upset as well . Mom took off for the ER Vet and left me home . She said she 'd be right back and that dad would be home soon . Sure enough , dad got home a little while later and together we waited for mom and Dante . Well , when mom got home , she didn 't have Dante with her and I was a little confused . I was wondering where he was and when he would be home . Mom sat down with me and told me that Dante was very sick and had to stay in the hospital overnight . He need constant care and some medical attention . She said he would get the best care possible and I know she was telling me the truth because , well , look at me and the care I 've received . Then she started talking about that bridge again , and that there was a possibility that it may be time for Dante to cross that bridge , without us . She was crying as she was telling me this and I tried to comfort her . I stuck close by her side for the rest of the night . We were together until about midnight when I went out for another pee - break and she finally went to bed . Mom called the ER Vet Monday morning for an update and told me that Dante was resting , that he was not in any pain , but we wouldn 't know much more than that until they did some blood tests later in the day . Mom 's crying a little today as we talk about it , but she 's holding up pretty well . I 'm going to stick close today as well . I ate all my breakfast , and then all my mid - morning snack . She feels better when I eat , so I 'm doing my best to help her through this . I guess we wait now . I hope Dante is doing OK and that he realizes that mom is thinking about him and making sure he gets whatever he needs at his point in his life . I hope he doesn 't have to cross the bridge , I like hanging out with him and cleaning his ears . I trust mom to make the right decisions . Her decisions are always made out of love . Chemo was on April 11th and I managed to get in and out of the Oncologist 's office in a little over an hour . Not having to go through an ultrasound and x - rays like last time really made a difference . I was well behaved and let the techs and the doctor do what they needed to do to get me through quickly . After I got out of the doctor 's office , mom and I headed north , toward home . She pulled over just north of Phoenix , into Anthem , and said we were going to stop for a break . She went in to Baskin Robbins and bought a small cup of ice cream . We drove across the street , into the park , to enjoy it together . The park is really nice . It was my first time there , mom 's too . This is the park that has the Veteran 's Memorial , a uniquely designed memorial of five pillars with slanted / oblong openings at different heights . These openings are lined up so that on every November 11 , at 11 : 11 AM , the sun shines through the openings and illuminates the Great Seal of the United States on the ground in front of the five pillars . Now , we were there in the late afternoon in April so of course we did not get to see this beautiful sight ; but , it was certainly impressive . Anyway , there is a lot of soft , green grass throughout the park with sidewalks winding through and around some of the small lakes . There is a train station , for kids , but the train was not running while we were there . Besides , there was sign that stated no dogs were allowed on the train . I think that 's discrimination , but I guess they can do what they want since it is their train . Mom sat on a bench while I stood near . I knew what was coming and was excited . She took the top off the ice cream and gave me a small amount on a spoon . She ate some as well . I wanted more and I wanted it quickly , but mom said I needed to slow down so I didn 't get an ' ice cream headache ' whatever that is . I got a few more spoons of delicious vanilla ice cream - what a treat ! We finished the ice cream then took a walk around an area of the park . I enjoyed the shade and the grass . It was nice to take some time to smell all the different smells that were all around me . There had been quite a few other dogs through this park , I could tell , and they left all kinds of messages for me . I did my best to leave some messages of my own , but after a few well - placed messages I didn 't have much left , if you get my meaning . I had a drink of water before we climbed back in the truck to start for home . Mom always brings a container of water on our trips . I 've become used to drinking our filtered well water . When I get offered ' city water ' I tend to refuse it as it smells different . I 'm glad that the days following my chemo treatment were not as bad as before . Mom has the whole food issue figured out so I was eating grilled beef or turkey burgers right away . I think having some good food in me helped to get me through the worst part . I still have to take meds to stave off nausea and to help me get over the diarrhea ( sorry about that ) , but I take those pretty well as long as they are wrapped in a piece of mozzarella . I should get my sense of taste and smell back a little more over the next few days which means I 'll start eating the chicken mom cooks for me and maybe the scrambled eggs she makes for me each morning . It just takes a few days for everything to get back on track . Author bearsblog2017Posted on April 16 , 2017Categories Cancer in dogs , Dogs , LoveLeave a comment on Happy Easter to those who celebrate The Bridge Talk We had some time today , to relax , to nap , and to just be with each other . Mom took some time to lie down next to me on one of my many beds and tell me a story . She said it was a story she had been meaning to tell me for a while now , but she just didn 't have the words . Today , she said she found the words . She talked about a bridge , somewhere in our future , that we would come upon . When we got to this bridge , she said she was going to have to stay on one side and I would have to go on without her , across the bridge . Now , I don 't like going anywhere without mom and I told her that I would rather stay with her or that she could walk across with me . But , she said this was a special bridge , one that she would not yet be able to cross . Mom said I had to be brave and take the journey without her on that day . There would come a day , in her distant future , when she would cross the same bridge , but it was inevitable that I would have to cross first , without her . She talked about how Taz and Joey , and even Othello , would be on the other side waiting to greet me . You see , they had to cross the bridge before me , also without mom , and when they did , they met some of the others who had crossed before them . Apparently , there were quite a few before me who lived with mom and dad and had already crossed this special bridge . I remembered Taz , Joey , and Othello , but didn 't know about the others . Anyway , she said that Taz and Joey and Othello would show me around and introduce me to everyone else . There would be soft grass on which I could run and play and I could take naps and eat whatever I wanted . She mentioned that I wouldn 't have any pain in my knees or hips , and I 'd be able to run like the wind . She also said I would no longer have cancer . It would always be great weather , no rain or wind , but if I wanted to play in the snow all I had to do was think about it and like magic there would be some snow for me . I thought that would be pretty neat . I got a little worried and asked her what I was going to do without her and how would she know I was doing OK ? She said that sometimes , those who have already crossed this bridge , get to come back and visit . She was sure that Taz and Joey and Othello had visited a few times , but she could not really see them . She said she felt them , in her heart , and that when it was my turn to visit her , she would feel me in her heart . She would know that I was nearby and she would smile , sometimes through tears , remembering the good times we had and the love we shared , the love we would always share because we had exchanged pieces of our hearts . If the thing about exchanging pieces of our hearts is true , and mom has done this with all those who have lived with her , then I guess mom 's heart is pretty big by now . Not only that , but there must be pieces of her heart in lots of fur babies on the other side of this bridge . She told me about Rusty , the first Bear , and Wendy who all lived with her when she first moved to AZ . She talked about Ashley , Papillion , and Rubin who traveled across the country when she and dad drove to their new home . Then there was Marshall and Mick and Sandy and Annie and Hershey and Angel , all fur babies who have lived in the house and in mom 's heart . That 's a lot of pieces of heart to hold on to , but mom seems to have managed it pretty well . We snuggled for a little while after she finished her story . She mentioned that she hoped we would not get to this bridge anytime soon and that we 'd have lots more time together . I told her I would do my best to stay with her , and dad , for a long time . I want to make lots more memories with mom and share more of my heart with her so that when the time comes for me to be brave and cross that bridge , a large piece of my heart will stay with her . I know I 'll be taking a piece of her heart with me when the time comes , but for now I think we 'll just stick close to each other . I had my third IV chemo treatment on Tuesday , March 21st . Along with the chemo that was scheduled I also had some chest x - rays and an ultrasound of my abdomen . Oh yeah , the regular blood work that goes with these treatments as well . As you can imagine it was a pretty full day . Mom and I left the house about 9 : 00 AM . I had mixed feelings about this trip . I sort of knew where I was going , so while I was happy to be riding in the truck with mom , I was not really excited about where I was going . We listened to more of Springsteen 's audio book , Born To Run , and I find his voice soothing , as does mom , so the trip was relatively uneventful . We arrived in plenty of time for my 11 : 00 ultrasound appointment . That 's when the fun started . For some reason , I ended up going in the back right about 11 : 00 to get ready , or so I thought , for my ultrasound . Well , when I got back there , the techs drew my blood so they could start those tests , but I didn 't go right to my ultrasound . I ended up waiting , and waiting , and waiting . I began to worry about mom , sitting out in the waiting room , probably wondering what was happening with me . I tried to tell someone that they should go out front to talk to mom and let her know what was happening , but I couldn 't get anyone 's attention . Apparently , there were a few emergencies at the vet 's office , next door , which was where I was supposed to get my ultrasound . That 's what was causing the backup . In the meantime , they took my chest x - rays . So , my blood work and my chest x - rays were done and we were just waiting on the ultrasound . Finally , it was my turn . Remember earlier when I said that I wasn 't too thrilled about this appointment today ? For an ultrasound , they have to roll me on my back in this V - shaped table thing , shave my tummy , and then do the test . Well , I was having none of it and tried to squirm my way off the table . No matter how hard they tried I would not lie still . I was starting to get really scared , I wanted to see my mom , I wanted her back there with me . They took me off the table and went out to talk to mom , finally ! When they came back I got a shot that made me a little sleepy and very relaxed . While I was dozing , they must have put me up on that table again because before I knew it I was waking up inside one of the large kennels . I had to stay in there for quite some time . I actually lost track of time , it seemed like forever and all I could think about was mom sitting out front , by herself , worrying about me . Again , I tried to tell somebody to go check on my mom , but I was still so tired I could barely speak . It took some time , but eventually I was hooked up to my IV chemo treatment . That seemed to go OK and within about an hour I was bounding out front to meet mom again so we could go home . I was really , really happy to see her , and she was happy to see me . She took me outside so I could pee , then gave me some water . We bring our own water when we take these trips . I don 't like ' city water ' and mom said she doesn 't want me drinking it either . First , she said we had been in the oncologist 's office for six hours . SIX HOURS ! That 's crazy . She mentioned that someone finally came out to let her know about the emergencies that had happened and why it was taking so long . She also let me know that my x - rays were clear , which is good . We certainly don 't want to see any problems in my chest and around my heart . That was great news . She also let me know that my ultrasound came back good as well . The oncologist advised there was no new growth of tumors , no change in anything that was already there . I guess the chemo is doing its job . I hope it continues to work and that I 'll have lots more time to spend with mom and dad . One of the reasons things seemed to take so long was my reluctance to lie still on my own . When I said I got a shot and then got a little sleepy it was because they had to sedate me in order to do the ultrasound . They had to tell mom first because she had to sign additional paperwork . When I was removed from the table the first time , to get the shot , I sort of lost my place in line . Well , that extended our wait time even further . By the time I started my IV chemo , after all these tests , it was already almost 4 : 00 PM . Keep in mind we left the house at 9 : 00 AM , arrived a little before 11 : 00 AM , and I spent most of the day in the back while mom waited out front . Actually , she said she drove to Whole Foods to get something to eat , but wasn 't gone for more than an hour because she didn 't want to be away in case something happened . After treatment , I was OK for Wednesday and Thursday , but by Friday I didn 't feel well . I didn 't want to eat much at all . Mom kept trying different things but most of the stuff she made for me just didn 't smell , or taste , good . I didn 't really eat much on Saturday either . Mom had to force some pills down my throat , which I didn 't care for , but I knew it was important . She said she was sorry each time . I understood . By Sunday , she tried something new . Mom made me scrambled eggs . You know , they tasted really good so I ate what she cooked . She was excited I was finally eating and made me another egg . Then that afternoon she grilled me a hamburger . Not just any hamburger , but the grass - fed ground beef burgers she buys for herself . She 's kind of a ' health - nut ' and tries to eat healthy food , so it was quite special that she made me one of her burgers . It tasted really good so I ate the whole thing . It took a few days before I started eating the chicken breast that she cooks for me , but I 've started back on that as well . Well , if you couldn 't figure it out yet , my diet has changed a bit . For breakfast , mom makes me two scrambled eggs mixed with some brown rice and some shredded chicken breast . For lunch I have more brown rice , more chicken , and a little of my dry U / D dog food . For dinner mom grills me either a beef burger or a turkey burger and then mixes it with a little brown rice and some of my dry dog food . I take my meds and supplements wrapped in small pieces of cheese , typically mozzarella or Havarti . Do you think I 'm a little spoiled ? Or maybe mom just loves me a lot . I 'm not sure , but I am enjoying my food again . After this last treatment , I had some of the same side - effects , but they were not as severe and did not last as long . It seems like I 'll have more good days between treatments this time around . That 's good and I know mom is happy about it too . I have my 4th treatment on April 11 and my 5th treatment on May 2nd . I hope things go as well as they did this time . Author bearsblog2017Posted on April 1 , 2017April 1 , 2017Categories Cancer in dogs , Dogs , Love3 Comments on Interesting Two Weeks Just a Little Off Hello everyone , Bear here . It 's been a while since I last posted to my blog . You see , I 've had a rough week . Well , I had my second IV chemo treatment and the dose was reduced by 20 % due to the really bad reaction I had after the first treatment . Everything went well , at least at first . Mom and I headed to Scottsdale on Tuesday , February 28th . I really enjoy riding in the truck with mom . She talks to me on the trip and opens the back window for me if we 're not travelling too fast . On this trip , she popped in a CD of Bruce Springsteen 's audio book , " Born to Run " and we listened to it on the way to the oncologist . I like when he sings and for his book he did the audio recording , so it was an extra treat to have him ' talk ' to us during the trip . The tech in the office was really happy that mom kept a journal of my experiences and asked to copy the applicable pages for my medical file . This made it a lot easier than mom trying to relay all the information . They took me in the back and took some blood to test to see if things were OK for me to receive my IV treatment . Apparently , everything came back just fine and I was hooked up to an IV . Since I had such a drastic reaction to the first treatment , the oncologist told mom that I would need a blood test seven days after this treatment . At least I just have to go to Kachina Animal Hospital for that test and not take that long drive to Scottsdale . We drove home to Bruce Springsteen 's voice again . I had a great ride home . I started to get a little picky about what I would and would not eat . I was still eating my canned u / d with pumpkin , but preferred a delicacy called Trufood mixed with my dry food . Well , this worked for a few days . By the second day I started to get an upset stomach . Mom gave me my anti - nausea meds and things seemed to quiet down a bit . I was still eating my regular food but was getting a bit tired . I take some pill medication as well and mom typically wraps those pills in a tasty Pill Pocket and I swallow it whole ! Love those Pill Pockets , or at least I did . For some reason , things just didn 't taste or smell that good to me and I didn 't want to take my meds . Mom tried peanut butter , which was OK , but I just licked the PB and spit out the pill . Unfortunately , mom had to force me to take my meds . I know she doesn 't like to do it , and I couldn 't really explain why I was feeling bad and didn 't want to take them . I was getting really tired by the third day after my treatment . On day seven I went in for my blood draw . My temperature was normal , which is good considering it spiked quite high after the last treatment , but I still was not feeling good . I went downhill from there . I didn 't want to eat , even the Trufood wasn 't tasting too good to me . I wasn 't drinking much water either , which concerned mom quite a bit . I just didn 't know how to tell her I wasn 't feeling well . She stayed by my side trying to get me to eat and drink . She even tried spoon feeding me . I appreciated her trying so I would take a couple bites , but I just wasn 't interested . Mom went to the store on Friday and bought some huge chicken breasts . She put them in her crockpot with some chicken broth and let them cook for a few hours . In the meantime , she made some rice and some plain pasta . ( My mom 's Italian , so there is ALWAYS pasta in the house . ) Well , the rice tasted good , and so did the pasta . Then the chicken was finished and mom shredded it into a container and gave me some . That tasted pretty good too . I think I ate too much . I sort of got a little upset , but didn 't throw up . This was a rough day for me , and mom . She was really , really worried about me . I don 't think she slept well at all that night . I was exhausted and spent the entire night in the bedroom instead of roaming the house for different places to sleep . I know mom was up at least four times that night because she came over to check on me . She would pet me and talk to me for a few minutes , but I was so tired I barely lifted my head . I felt a little better this morning , but mom was still worried . She drove into town to drop off the track & field equipment for Special Olympics practice and let them know she had to hurry home to take care of me . My mom coaches Special Olympics , not sure you knew that . She told me she was coming right back so I waited for her . She was only gone for a little while but to me it seemed like , forever ! I have now eaten quite a bit of fresh cooked chicken today , it 's really all I want . I 'm starting to feel a little better but I 'm still tired . Mom has started wrapping my meds in sliced turkey or sliced roast beef . She thinks she 's fooling me , but I know there are pills in there . I 'm just glad the turkey or roast beef tastes good so I can just swallow it whole . I 'm hoping I feel even better tomorrow . Mom said she was going to stay with me as much as possible and that makes me feel better . I always feel better when mom is nearby . I hope she knows I 'm trying to get better . She has a special power called love that makes everything feel better . I feel it in her hands and see it in her eyes , even through her tears . Author bearsblog2017Posted on March 11 , 2017Categories Cancer in dogs , Dogs , Love11 Comments on Just a Little Off " A Dog 's Purpose " My mom went to the movies with a friend today . I stayed at home with dad . She came home after a few hours , sat down and told me all about the movie she had just seen . It was titled , " A Dog 's Purpose " . Now I know what a dog 's purpose is , but I guess some people don 't . Maybe they don 't have dogs in their lives to help them learn about our purpose . That 's kind of sad , because we have a lot to teach . Sometimes it 's tough to get it out and be understood by people . I think that may be because they are not truly open to communicating with us . After all there are some people who will say , " Oh , it 's just a dog . " I don 't go around saying , " Oh , it 's just a person . " I try to talk to everyone . I like talking to people and I like when they talk to me . Anyway , mom said the movie was about Bailey , a dog who had a young boy ( Ethan ) as a best friend . Ethan and Bailey did just about everything together . One thing they really liked to do was play together and Ethan taught Bailey a special trick with an old deflated football . Well , Ethan grew up and Bailey got a little older . After Ethan went away to college Bailey was feeling really sad , and old . One day , Ethan 's mom , and his grandparents , realized that Bailey wasn 't doing very well and took him to the Vet . Grandpa called Ethan who came home to be with Bailey as he crossed the Rainbow Bridge . Mom started crying when she was telling me that part . But then she talked about Bailey , and how he seemed to come back again , as a puppy . He was different , but still knew who he was . He also remembered Ethan and wondered how he was ever going to find him again . Well , Bailey went through a few more lives . Each time he found someone who really needed him and he helped them through some pretty tough times . I told mom , that 's what we do . Dogs love helping people through tough times because we know how much fun they can be when they are happy again . It 's like when mom is sad . This happens now when I 'm not feeling well , mostly after my treatments . Mom sits with me , pets me , brushes me , and tells me that she loves me . It 's these times when I feel her sadness , and all I want to do is to make her feel happy again . I look at her and ' tell ' her that I love her very much and that she needn 't worry so much about me , that I 'll be just fine . I ' tell ' her that we 'll get through these tough times , together . Bailey ends up , once again coming back and , unfortunately left to roam the streets by a not - too - nice person . He ends up in the same area where he and Ethan spent their summers , Ethan 's grandparents farm . Bailey recognizes some familiar smells and , of course , follows his nose . He finds Ethan , who is much older , but does not recognize Bailey . It 's OK because Ethan keeps this new dog ( which is really Bailey ) in his home . Finally , there is an opportunity for Bailey to show this much older Ethan that special trick he learned as a pup , when Ethan was a young boy . It finally clicks with Ethan , that standing in front of him is his Bailey , or as we find out very early in the film , his Bailey , Bailey , Bailey , Bailey , Bailey - or his Boss Dog . It was a really happy ending , after Bailey traveled those many years , and many miles , to find Ethan again . I hope it was a true story because I 'd like to be able do the same and travel wherever I have to , and as long as I have to , so I can find my mom again . I know that would make her happy . It would certainly make me happy . Text Widget This is a text widget . The Text Widget allows you to add text or HTML to your sidebar . You can use a text widget to display text , links , images , HTML , or a combination of these . Edit them in the Widget section of the Customizer . |
I talked to mom about it and she agreed to post this for me , you see by the time you read this I will have crossed the Rainbow Bridge . Mom got a little upset while we were talking and I did my best to console her . She asked if she could add a post script to this final post and , of course , I said she could and that I would be honored if she would . It will be nice for you to hear from my mom at this time . If you have a little bit of time , I 'm sure she 'd appreciate a comment or two . Well , here goes . I loved my life and the ones who shared it with me . They were caring and fun to be with . I went on a few adventures with mom and dad . I loved camping with them . We would sit outside the camper and enjoy the outdoors . Those were some of my favorite times . I wish I could have done more of that with them , but I am grateful for the memories we made . I appreciated all the good food and the wonderful care I had over the years . It 's tough getting old and as we age we need more medical attention sometimes . My mom was always keen to my medical needs . She knew when I wasn 't feeling well or when something wasn 't just quite right . I had a wonderful Vet , Dr . Julia Lynn at Kachina Animal Hospital . She , and all those who worked there were fabulous . I loved my dog brothers who went before me ( Taz and Joey ) as well as my cat brother ( Dante ) and cat sister ( Maya ) who I left behind to comfort mom and dad . I hope they are up to the task . Dante was sad when his dog brother , Taz , crossed the bridge . You see , Taz used to clean Dante 's ears all the time , but I think you may already know that . Anyway , after Taz passed , I took up that job . Dante seemed OK with it and we bonded over many an ear - cleaning session . Maya never liked her ears cleaned , but she would occasionally lie on the dog bed with me . She was nice . I enjoyed playing in the snow , even though we didn 't have much in our area . When we did , mom would run around with me out front , throwing snow balls for me to either catch or find . You know , it 's tough to find a snowball after it falls in the snow . Mom took lots and lots of photographs of me . Besides being a Personal Trainer she is somewhat of an amateur photographer . I didn 't really enjoy having my picture taken , but I tolerated it , for mom 's sake . One thing I want to pass on to you is to take lots of photographs , there are no cameras at the Rainbow Bridge . Last but not least , my mom . What can I say about the human who loved me unconditionally and provided for my every need throughout my life with her . I wish we could have found each other sooner , so we would have had more time together , but the time we did share was absolutely wonderful . I love her with all my heart and I hope that someday I will find my way back to her , and she to me . If you recall in an earlier post I talked about us exchanging pieces of our hearts , so we are able to keep each other near , now and in the future . I just wanted to let you all know that I have a piece of mom 's heart with me , something I will cherish always . She has a piece of my heart as well . She said when our hearts beat together we are always together , regardless of time and distance . I like that . I stroked his fur until it no longer felt familiar . I breathed in his scent until it no longer held his essence . I closed my eyes , let the tears fall , and said my last goodbye . Hi , Bear 's mom here . The journey with Bear has been difficult for me but he was strong throughout it , so I did my best to be strong for him as well . Thank you for your care , concern , comments , encouragement , and sharing of stories . I have read all of Bear 's posts and the responses by his many followers . I cannot begin to express my appreciation , and love , for all . I believe Bear wrote about anthropomorphism in his first blog in January of 2017 . He was correct when he told you about my academic writing and how I had to be extremely cautious to avoid anthropomorphizing things that were not human . I succeeded in my academic writings but not in my personal life , but that 's OK , and I would have it no other way . We are all connected in this universe , at a molecular level . Everything in the universe has an essence , that 's what makes them what they are . Bear had that , which is why anthropomorphizing is not applicable to him . He was family and always will be . I have had a number of fur - babies pass through my life ; they never stay long enough . And , although my heart is breaking and a piece has left with Bear , there will be another entering my life in the future . I am sure of it ; and , this new family member will join a heart that is comprised of many , many pieces of those who have passed through on their journey . I don 't know who it will be , when or where , but it will be soon , of that I am sure . Bear started something here that is important and I 'm sure he would want that to continue . I don 't know who will pick it up , perhaps Dante or Maya will begin to express their thoughts , then perhaps another who has yet to join us will take over . Whoever it is , someone will step in . They will never take Bear 's place , but they will add to the essence that remains in our home , the essence of all who have passed through as well as those yet to come . I finished my final scheduled IV chemo treatment on May 2 . The few days afterward were a little rough . Mom had to stay with me to help me get through them . Unfortunately , that meant she missed her most favorite trip , Special Olympics State Competition . I felt bad that she decided to stay home , but I 'm glad she did . I do so much better when mom is with me . She got updates throughout the weekend about Bradshaw Mountain Special Olympics and how they were doing . Apparently , they did very well , most of them having their best scores ( time and distance ) in their events . Josh and Ryan , mom 's pentathletes , beat their scores as well . She was very happy for them , but I know she missed seeing it first hand , and taking photos of all the activity . I had a 2 - week wash out period before I could begin my low - dose chemo pills . Those started on May 16th , and so far I 'm doing OK . I 'm still a little fussy about what I like to eat ; things just don 't smell that good to me yet . Mom has an infinite amount of patience with me and sits on the floor trying to get me to eat . Sometimes it takes 4 , 5 , or 6 tries of me sniffing at the food she offers . Most times I end up finally eating , and it tastes really good . Mom is still cooking my meals and giving me a variety of protein and carbohydrates . There is love in her cooking . This past Sunday we had some trouble , this time with Dante my cat brother . That 's him in the photo . Dante has renal issues , that 's kidney problems , and was diagnosed last year with lowered kidney function . Well , his kidneys must be getting worse . This past Saturday , mom and dad couldn 't find Dante in the house . They were calling and searching for a while and I was getting worried . They finally found him , tucked in mom 's closet , on top of her shoe boxes . Mom brought him out and sat with him in the living room , brushing his orange coat . He was purring loudly , I could hear him across the room . On Sunday he ended up hiding again , this time under mom 's printer table near the computer . When mom reached under to get him she said he was wet . Poor Dante had actually peed on himself . I felt really bad for him as I know that 's not good and he must have felt terrible not being able to make it to his litter box . Mom grabbed the cat carrier , put Dante in it , and then called the Emergency Vet Office . Luckily we have an ER Vet in the area . When she put Dante in the carrier , I knew something was wrong and I got really anxious . I was pacing around and sniffing at the carrier . I tried to tell Dante that mom would take good care of him and that he should try to relax , but he was meowing a bit . That made me a little upset as well . Mom took off for the ER Vet and left me home . She said she 'd be right back and that dad would be home soon . Sure enough , dad got home a little while later and together we waited for mom and Dante . Well , when mom got home , she didn 't have Dante with her and I was a little confused . I was wondering where he was and when he would be home . Mom sat down with me and told me that Dante was very sick and had to stay in the hospital overnight . He need constant care and some medical attention . She said he would get the best care possible and I know she was telling me the truth because , well , look at me and the care I 've received . Then she started talking about that bridge again , and that there was a possibility that it may be time for Dante to cross that bridge , without us . She was crying as she was telling me this and I tried to comfort her . I stuck close by her side for the rest of the night . We were together until about midnight when I went out for another pee - break and she finally went to bed . Mom called the ER Vet Monday morning for an update and told me that Dante was resting , that he was not in any pain , but we wouldn 't know much more than that until they did some blood tests later in the day . Mom 's crying a little today as we talk about it , but she 's holding up pretty well . I 'm going to stick close today as well . I ate all my breakfast , and then all my mid - morning snack . She feels better when I eat , so I 'm doing my best to help her through this . I guess we wait now . I hope Dante is doing OK and that he realizes that mom is thinking about him and making sure he gets whatever he needs at his point in his life . I hope he doesn 't have to cross the bridge , I like hanging out with him and cleaning his ears . I trust mom to make the right decisions . Her decisions are always made out of love . Chemo was on April 11th and I managed to get in and out of the Oncologist 's office in a little over an hour . Not having to go through an ultrasound and x - rays like last time really made a difference . I was well behaved and let the techs and the doctor do what they needed to do to get me through quickly . After I got out of the doctor 's office , mom and I headed north , toward home . She pulled over just north of Phoenix , into Anthem , and said we were going to stop for a break . She went in to Baskin Robbins and bought a small cup of ice cream . We drove across the street , into the park , to enjoy it together . The park is really nice . It was my first time there , mom 's too . This is the park that has the Veteran 's Memorial , a uniquely designed memorial of five pillars with slanted / oblong openings at different heights . These openings are lined up so that on every November 11 , at 11 : 11 AM , the sun shines through the openings and illuminates the Great Seal of the United States on the ground in front of the five pillars . Now , we were there in the late afternoon in April so of course we did not get to see this beautiful sight ; but , it was certainly impressive . Anyway , there is a lot of soft , green grass throughout the park with sidewalks winding through and around some of the small lakes . There is a train station , for kids , but the train was not running while we were there . Besides , there was sign that stated no dogs were allowed on the train . I think that 's discrimination , but I guess they can do what they want since it is their train . Mom sat on a bench while I stood near . I knew what was coming and was excited . She took the top off the ice cream and gave me a small amount on a spoon . She ate some as well . I wanted more and I wanted it quickly , but mom said I needed to slow down so I didn 't get an ' ice cream headache ' whatever that is . I got a few more spoons of delicious vanilla ice cream - what a treat ! We finished the ice cream then took a walk around an area of the park . I enjoyed the shade and the grass . It was nice to take some time to smell all the different smells that were all around me . There had been quite a few other dogs through this park , I could tell , and they left all kinds of messages for me . I did my best to leave some messages of my own , but after a few well - placed messages I didn 't have much left , if you get my meaning . I had a drink of water before we climbed back in the truck to start for home . Mom always brings a container of water on our trips . I 've become used to drinking our filtered well water . When I get offered ' city water ' I tend to refuse it as it smells different . I 'm glad that the days following my chemo treatment were not as bad as before . Mom has the whole food issue figured out so I was eating grilled beef or turkey burgers right away . I think having some good food in me helped to get me through the worst part . I still have to take meds to stave off nausea and to help me get over the diarrhea ( sorry about that ) , but I take those pretty well as long as they are wrapped in a piece of mozzarella . I should get my sense of taste and smell back a little more over the next few days which means I 'll start eating the chicken mom cooks for me and maybe the scrambled eggs she makes for me each morning . It just takes a few days for everything to get back on track . Author bearsblog2017Posted on April 16 , 2017Categories Cancer in dogs , Dogs , LoveLeave a comment on Happy Easter to those who celebrate The Bridge Talk We had some time today , to relax , to nap , and to just be with each other . Mom took some time to lie down next to me on one of my many beds and tell me a story . She said it was a story she had been meaning to tell me for a while now , but she just didn 't have the words . Today , she said she found the words . She talked about a bridge , somewhere in our future , that we would come upon . When we got to this bridge , she said she was going to have to stay on one side and I would have to go on without her , across the bridge . Now , I don 't like going anywhere without mom and I told her that I would rather stay with her or that she could walk across with me . But , she said this was a special bridge , one that she would not yet be able to cross . Mom said I had to be brave and take the journey without her on that day . There would come a day , in her distant future , when she would cross the same bridge , but it was inevitable that I would have to cross first , without her . She talked about how Taz and Joey , and even Othello , would be on the other side waiting to greet me . You see , they had to cross the bridge before me , also without mom , and when they did , they met some of the others who had crossed before them . Apparently , there were quite a few before me who lived with mom and dad and had already crossed this special bridge . I remembered Taz , Joey , and Othello , but didn 't know about the others . Anyway , she said that Taz and Joey and Othello would show me around and introduce me to everyone else . There would be soft grass on which I could run and play and I could take naps and eat whatever I wanted . She mentioned that I wouldn 't have any pain in my knees or hips , and I 'd be able to run like the wind . She also said I would no longer have cancer . It would always be great weather , no rain or wind , but if I wanted to play in the snow all I had to do was think about it and like magic there would be some snow for me . I thought that would be pretty neat . I got a little worried and asked her what I was going to do without her and how would she know I was doing OK ? She said that sometimes , those who have already crossed this bridge , get to come back and visit . She was sure that Taz and Joey and Othello had visited a few times , but she could not really see them . She said she felt them , in her heart , and that when it was my turn to visit her , she would feel me in her heart . She would know that I was nearby and she would smile , sometimes through tears , remembering the good times we had and the love we shared , the love we would always share because we had exchanged pieces of our hearts . If the thing about exchanging pieces of our hearts is true , and mom has done this with all those who have lived with her , then I guess mom 's heart is pretty big by now . Not only that , but there must be pieces of her heart in lots of fur babies on the other side of this bridge . She told me about Rusty , the first Bear , and Wendy who all lived with her when she first moved to AZ . She talked about Ashley , Papillion , and Rubin who traveled across the country when she and dad drove to their new home . Then there was Marshall and Mick and Sandy and Annie and Hershey and Angel , all fur babies who have lived in the house and in mom 's heart . That 's a lot of pieces of heart to hold on to , but mom seems to have managed it pretty well . We snuggled for a little while after she finished her story . She mentioned that she hoped we would not get to this bridge anytime soon and that we 'd have lots more time together . I told her I would do my best to stay with her , and dad , for a long time . I want to make lots more memories with mom and share more of my heart with her so that when the time comes for me to be brave and cross that bridge , a large piece of my heart will stay with her . I know I 'll be taking a piece of her heart with me when the time comes , but for now I think we 'll just stick close to each other . I had my third IV chemo treatment on Tuesday , March 21st . Along with the chemo that was scheduled I also had some chest x - rays and an ultrasound of my abdomen . Oh yeah , the regular blood work that goes with these treatments as well . As you can imagine it was a pretty full day . Mom and I left the house about 9 : 00 AM . I had mixed feelings about this trip . I sort of knew where I was going , so while I was happy to be riding in the truck with mom , I was not really excited about where I was going . We listened to more of Springsteen 's audio book , Born To Run , and I find his voice soothing , as does mom , so the trip was relatively uneventful . We arrived in plenty of time for my 11 : 00 ultrasound appointment . That 's when the fun started . For some reason , I ended up going in the back right about 11 : 00 to get ready , or so I thought , for my ultrasound . Well , when I got back there , the techs drew my blood so they could start those tests , but I didn 't go right to my ultrasound . I ended up waiting , and waiting , and waiting . I began to worry about mom , sitting out in the waiting room , probably wondering what was happening with me . I tried to tell someone that they should go out front to talk to mom and let her know what was happening , but I couldn 't get anyone 's attention . Apparently , there were a few emergencies at the vet 's office , next door , which was where I was supposed to get my ultrasound . That 's what was causing the backup . In the meantime , they took my chest x - rays . So , my blood work and my chest x - rays were done and we were just waiting on the ultrasound . Finally , it was my turn . Remember earlier when I said that I wasn 't too thrilled about this appointment today ? For an ultrasound , they have to roll me on my back in this V - shaped table thing , shave my tummy , and then do the test . Well , I was having none of it and tried to squirm my way off the table . No matter how hard they tried I would not lie still . I was starting to get really scared , I wanted to see my mom , I wanted her back there with me . They took me off the table and went out to talk to mom , finally ! When they came back I got a shot that made me a little sleepy and very relaxed . While I was dozing , they must have put me up on that table again because before I knew it I was waking up inside one of the large kennels . I had to stay in there for quite some time . I actually lost track of time , it seemed like forever and all I could think about was mom sitting out front , by herself , worrying about me . Again , I tried to tell somebody to go check on my mom , but I was still so tired I could barely speak . It took some time , but eventually I was hooked up to my IV chemo treatment . That seemed to go OK and within about an hour I was bounding out front to meet mom again so we could go home . I was really , really happy to see her , and she was happy to see me . She took me outside so I could pee , then gave me some water . We bring our own water when we take these trips . I don 't like ' city water ' and mom said she doesn 't want me drinking it either . First , she said we had been in the oncologist 's office for six hours . SIX HOURS ! That 's crazy . She mentioned that someone finally came out to let her know about the emergencies that had happened and why it was taking so long . She also let me know that my x - rays were clear , which is good . We certainly don 't want to see any problems in my chest and around my heart . That was great news . She also let me know that my ultrasound came back good as well . The oncologist advised there was no new growth of tumors , no change in anything that was already there . I guess the chemo is doing its job . I hope it continues to work and that I 'll have lots more time to spend with mom and dad . One of the reasons things seemed to take so long was my reluctance to lie still on my own . When I said I got a shot and then got a little sleepy it was because they had to sedate me in order to do the ultrasound . They had to tell mom first because she had to sign additional paperwork . When I was removed from the table the first time , to get the shot , I sort of lost my place in line . Well , that extended our wait time even further . By the time I started my IV chemo , after all these tests , it was already almost 4 : 00 PM . Keep in mind we left the house at 9 : 00 AM , arrived a little before 11 : 00 AM , and I spent most of the day in the back while mom waited out front . Actually , she said she drove to Whole Foods to get something to eat , but wasn 't gone for more than an hour because she didn 't want to be away in case something happened . After treatment , I was OK for Wednesday and Thursday , but by Friday I didn 't feel well . I didn 't want to eat much at all . Mom kept trying different things but most of the stuff she made for me just didn 't smell , or taste , good . I didn 't really eat much on Saturday either . Mom had to force some pills down my throat , which I didn 't care for , but I knew it was important . She said she was sorry each time . I understood . By Sunday , she tried something new . Mom made me scrambled eggs . You know , they tasted really good so I ate what she cooked . She was excited I was finally eating and made me another egg . Then that afternoon she grilled me a hamburger . Not just any hamburger , but the grass - fed ground beef burgers she buys for herself . She 's kind of a ' health - nut ' and tries to eat healthy food , so it was quite special that she made me one of her burgers . It tasted really good so I ate the whole thing . It took a few days before I started eating the chicken breast that she cooks for me , but I 've started back on that as well . Well , if you couldn 't figure it out yet , my diet has changed a bit . For breakfast , mom makes me two scrambled eggs mixed with some brown rice and some shredded chicken breast . For lunch I have more brown rice , more chicken , and a little of my dry U / D dog food . For dinner mom grills me either a beef burger or a turkey burger and then mixes it with a little brown rice and some of my dry dog food . I take my meds and supplements wrapped in small pieces of cheese , typically mozzarella or Havarti . Do you think I 'm a little spoiled ? Or maybe mom just loves me a lot . I 'm not sure , but I am enjoying my food again . After this last treatment , I had some of the same side - effects , but they were not as severe and did not last as long . It seems like I 'll have more good days between treatments this time around . That 's good and I know mom is happy about it too . I have my 4th treatment on April 11 and my 5th treatment on May 2nd . I hope things go as well as they did this time . Author bearsblog2017Posted on April 1 , 2017April 1 , 2017Categories Cancer in dogs , Dogs , Love3 Comments on Interesting Two Weeks Just a Little Off Hello everyone , Bear here . It 's been a while since I last posted to my blog . You see , I 've had a rough week . Well , I had my second IV chemo treatment and the dose was reduced by 20 % due to the really bad reaction I had after the first treatment . Everything went well , at least at first . Mom and I headed to Scottsdale on Tuesday , February 28th . I really enjoy riding in the truck with mom . She talks to me on the trip and opens the back window for me if we 're not travelling too fast . On this trip , she popped in a CD of Bruce Springsteen 's audio book , " Born to Run " and we listened to it on the way to the oncologist . I like when he sings and for his book he did the audio recording , so it was an extra treat to have him ' talk ' to us during the trip . The tech in the office was really happy that mom kept a journal of my experiences and asked to copy the applicable pages for my medical file . This made it a lot easier than mom trying to relay all the information . They took me in the back and took some blood to test to see if things were OK for me to receive my IV treatment . Apparently , everything came back just fine and I was hooked up to an IV . Since I had such a drastic reaction to the first treatment , the oncologist told mom that I would need a blood test seven days after this treatment . At least I just have to go to Kachina Animal Hospital for that test and not take that long drive to Scottsdale . We drove home to Bruce Springsteen 's voice again . I had a great ride home . I started to get a little picky about what I would and would not eat . I was still eating my canned u / d with pumpkin , but preferred a delicacy called Trufood mixed with my dry food . Well , this worked for a few days . By the second day I started to get an upset stomach . Mom gave me my anti - nausea meds and things seemed to quiet down a bit . I was still eating my regular food but was getting a bit tired . I take some pill medication as well and mom typically wraps those pills in a tasty Pill Pocket and I swallow it whole ! Love those Pill Pockets , or at least I did . For some reason , things just didn 't taste or smell that good to me and I didn 't want to take my meds . Mom tried peanut butter , which was OK , but I just licked the PB and spit out the pill . Unfortunately , mom had to force me to take my meds . I know she doesn 't like to do it , and I couldn 't really explain why I was feeling bad and didn 't want to take them . I was getting really tired by the third day after my treatment . On day seven I went in for my blood draw . My temperature was normal , which is good considering it spiked quite high after the last treatment , but I still was not feeling good . I went downhill from there . I didn 't want to eat , even the Trufood wasn 't tasting too good to me . I wasn 't drinking much water either , which concerned mom quite a bit . I just didn 't know how to tell her I wasn 't feeling well . She stayed by my side trying to get me to eat and drink . She even tried spoon feeding me . I appreciated her trying so I would take a couple bites , but I just wasn 't interested . Mom went to the store on Friday and bought some huge chicken breasts . She put them in her crockpot with some chicken broth and let them cook for a few hours . In the meantime , she made some rice and some plain pasta . ( My mom 's Italian , so there is ALWAYS pasta in the house . ) Well , the rice tasted good , and so did the pasta . Then the chicken was finished and mom shredded it into a container and gave me some . That tasted pretty good too . I think I ate too much . I sort of got a little upset , but didn 't throw up . This was a rough day for me , and mom . She was really , really worried about me . I don 't think she slept well at all that night . I was exhausted and spent the entire night in the bedroom instead of roaming the house for different places to sleep . I know mom was up at least four times that night because she came over to check on me . She would pet me and talk to me for a few minutes , but I was so tired I barely lifted my head . I felt a little better this morning , but mom was still worried . She drove into town to drop off the track & field equipment for Special Olympics practice and let them know she had to hurry home to take care of me . My mom coaches Special Olympics , not sure you knew that . She told me she was coming right back so I waited for her . She was only gone for a little while but to me it seemed like , forever ! I have now eaten quite a bit of fresh cooked chicken today , it 's really all I want . I 'm starting to feel a little better but I 'm still tired . Mom has started wrapping my meds in sliced turkey or sliced roast beef . She thinks she 's fooling me , but I know there are pills in there . I 'm just glad the turkey or roast beef tastes good so I can just swallow it whole . I 'm hoping I feel even better tomorrow . Mom said she was going to stay with me as much as possible and that makes me feel better . I always feel better when mom is nearby . I hope she knows I 'm trying to get better . She has a special power called love that makes everything feel better . I feel it in her hands and see it in her eyes , even through her tears . Author bearsblog2017Posted on March 11 , 2017Categories Cancer in dogs , Dogs , Love11 Comments on Just a Little Off " A Dog 's Purpose " My mom went to the movies with a friend today . I stayed at home with dad . She came home after a few hours , sat down and told me all about the movie she had just seen . It was titled , " A Dog 's Purpose " . Now I know what a dog 's purpose is , but I guess some people don 't . Maybe they don 't have dogs in their lives to help them learn about our purpose . That 's kind of sad , because we have a lot to teach . Sometimes it 's tough to get it out and be understood by people . I think that may be because they are not truly open to communicating with us . After all there are some people who will say , " Oh , it 's just a dog . " I don 't go around saying , " Oh , it 's just a person . " I try to talk to everyone . I like talking to people and I like when they talk to me . Anyway , mom said the movie was about Bailey , a dog who had a young boy ( Ethan ) as a best friend . Ethan and Bailey did just about everything together . One thing they really liked to do was play together and Ethan taught Bailey a special trick with an old deflated football . Well , Ethan grew up and Bailey got a little older . After Ethan went away to college Bailey was feeling really sad , and old . One day , Ethan 's mom , and his grandparents , realized that Bailey wasn 't doing very well and took him to the Vet . Grandpa called Ethan who came home to be with Bailey as he crossed the Rainbow Bridge . Mom started crying when she was telling me that part . But then she talked about Bailey , and how he seemed to come back again , as a puppy . He was different , but still knew who he was . He also remembered Ethan and wondered how he was ever going to find him again . Well , Bailey went through a few more lives . Each time he found someone who really needed him and he helped them through some pretty tough times . I told mom , that 's what we do . Dogs love helping people through tough times because we know how much fun they can be when they are happy again . It 's like when mom is sad . This happens now when I 'm not feeling well , mostly after my treatments . Mom sits with me , pets me , brushes me , and tells me that she loves me . It 's these times when I feel her sadness , and all I want to do is to make her feel happy again . I look at her and ' tell ' her that I love her very much and that she needn 't worry so much about me , that I 'll be just fine . I ' tell ' her that we 'll get through these tough times , together . Bailey ends up , once again coming back and , unfortunately left to roam the streets by a not - too - nice person . He ends up in the same area where he and Ethan spent their summers , Ethan 's grandparents farm . Bailey recognizes some familiar smells and , of course , follows his nose . He finds Ethan , who is much older , but does not recognize Bailey . It 's OK because Ethan keeps this new dog ( which is really Bailey ) in his home . Finally , there is an opportunity for Bailey to show this much older Ethan that special trick he learned as a pup , when Ethan was a young boy . It finally clicks with Ethan , that standing in front of him is his Bailey , or as we find out very early in the film , his Bailey , Bailey , Bailey , Bailey , Bailey - or his Boss Dog . It was a really happy ending , after Bailey traveled those many years , and many miles , to find Ethan again . I hope it was a true story because I 'd like to be able do the same and travel wherever I have to , and as long as I have to , so I can find my mom again . I know that would make her happy . It would certainly make me happy . Text Widget This is a text widget . The Text Widget allows you to add text or HTML to your sidebar . You can use a text widget to display text , links , images , HTML , or a combination of these . Edit them in the Widget section of the Customizer . |
Susan said something to me , but I couldn 't hear the words . All I could see was the face on the front page of the paper . The face that sent ripples of dread running through my body . The coffee cup in my hand shivered spilling its scalding contents a little over my knuckles . I hissed at the pain , the cup falling from my hand and hitting the edge of the kitchen table . Coffee flipped out of the shattering mug in a wave that hit my stomach and lap , spilled over the edge of the imitation wood Formica and splattered over the linoleum . I hopped out of my seat , slapping at the burning sensation and all but yipping in pain . Danielle , my four - month - old , giggled in her high chair . Daddy was being silly . If looks could kill at just that moment , my daughter would have been a corpse . I loved her , but my mind wasn 't exactly where it should have been . Susan was there , her hands moving the dish towel from the sink over my lap and stomach , wiping at the coffee with a nearly fanatic speed . Normally the idea of her touching me there was enough to make me eager for sex - seven years of marriage had not reduced my physical desire for her in the least . Right then I just wanted to escape from the feelings and noises of the world around me . I made myself stay calm and even managed a weak smile for my wife . Then I escaped back into the bedroom upstairs , needing to change my clothes and have a minute or two to myself . My hands felt clammy and cold , my skin in the mirror over the nightstand looked almost white an that just made things worse . Dead men aren 't supposed to show on the front page of the newspaper , you see . Not unless it 's in an article dealing with how they died or a retrospective on how well they 'll be remembered . Most assuredly , they are not supposed to be on the front page of the newspaper when it announces that they 're coming to town for a charity event . Summitville 's a small town , pretty well buried in the mountains in Colorado . By and large , most people don 't even know it 's here . That suits me just fine . I rather prefer to know who lives where and whether or not the people around me constitute a threat to me and mine . The way I see it , if there 's a need for anything more diverse than a movie theater to a night out with Susan at one of the local restaurants or with my friends at Dino 's Bar and Grill , I can just climb in the car and drive to Denver or even Boulder . I don 't really feel a need to live any closer to the areas where the idea of community and common decency have been replaced by the local neighborhood watch and a police force that needs to have a swat team . Summitville has always been safe , that 's my point . Every time I ever ran across any sort of trouble , it happened somewhere away from my hometown . And the man whose picture chilled me to the core and made me actually run from my own family ? Well , he might as well have been from Mars . The paper had his name mentioned prominently . They said he was an up and coming comedic actor by the name of Cecil Phelps . I 'd even heard his name a few times before then , though I never saw his picture . He was starring in a newly announced movie with Jim Carey , and there were unconfirmed rumors that he was negotiating to be in the next Adam Sandler movie . I knew him by a different name . I knew him as Rufo the Clown . And I remembered the first time I met him as clearly as I remember the day I saw him murdered . I closed my eyes against my pale face in the mirror and was drawn back through my own inner reflections to that first meeting with my personal worst nightmare . The family had gone to Denver , and Dad surprised us with a special treat : a trip to the circus . So long ago it 's barely even a memory , more like a distorted dream that won 't go away . The sound of cheerful , loud music and the smell of sawdust and cotton candy , overly sweet and devastatingly colorful . I remember watching the women dressed in gold and glitter riding atop horses , standing on their tiptoes as the animals charged in a circle . I was amazed by their courage . I remember a massive man , bronzed skin and golden hair , commanding lions and tigers to do his bidding , and how they roared when they defied him . In the end they always obeyed , and I felt it must surely be magic . High above me a family of beautiful , graceful people danced across a wire I could barely see and flung themselves from suspended bars , daring the impossible and succeeding . There were chimpanzees that ran around in tailored suits , shrieking and clapping endlessly throughout the show . From time to time they would run up into the bleachers , grinning madly . One of them came close enough for me to touch , but I was too afraid to risk it . When each major performance was over , the clowns came out ; the clowns with their eager smiles and outlandish clothes , their oversized shoes and their wild , nearly maniacal laughter . I remember seeing them and feeling a white - hot fire bloom in my stomach that spread slowly outward through the rest of my body , not burning but chilling my soul . My parents watched three of them bumbling their way across the main ring and laughed at their antics . I , in turn , looked at my father 's round face and my mother 's heart - shaped face with the wide , doe eyes I loved so dearly , amazed and shocked by their amusement . How could they find anything at all humorous in those twisted parodies of humans ? I was ready to wet myself , and they laughed on , completely oblivious . And to make matters worse , my sister Denise and my brother Jeff laughed with them . At six years old , I guess I wasn 't quite bold enough to ask them what they thought was funny , but I might have at least told them I was scared . I was ready , by God , to do just that when that face popped up in front of me . I have heard it said that no two clowns are quite alike , that , like fingerprints , there are distinguishing characteristics that make each one stand out as an individual . Whatever the case , there was no mistaking Rufo . He was lean , with a long , almost feminine face painted titanium white and highlighted with dark blue and the brilliant red of arterial blood . Beneath that makeup he could have been anywhere between fifteen and fifty . His skin was free of wrinkles and just starting to show character lines , but it was hard to say how much might have been hidden behind that field of white . Sharp triangles of blue lifted above his eyes in a mockery of proper eyebrows , and pointed down , towards his leering smile . His eyes were the color of a blue sky over a white , frozen wasteland , but the triangles of darkness above and below almost looked like they 'd been cut into the dead white skin of his face . His mouth , even when closed , seemed to stretch into a sadistic smile , with painted on dimples and a curve that seemed sinister to my young mind . Unlike so many of the clowns I 'd seen at the circus that night and in pictures even before then , his hair was not a primary color . It was black as pitch , falling down to his shoulders in tight curls . This clown leered down at my older brother - all of twelve and nearly a giant to me - and Jeff smiled back excitedly and took Rufo 's hand when it was offered . Rufo yanked his arm back quickly , leaving the hand in my brother 's shocked grip . Where his wrist should have been was a cluster of colorful paper flowers . Jeff laughed hard and hearty , while I looked on with a strange feeling of dread . Denise laughed , her face lit in a smile , her green eyes on Rufo 's own blue ones . Rufo looked at her and , in addition to his painted smile , the lips of his mouth parted , revealing perfect teeth . He reached out quickly , his gloved hand touching Denise 's face , then moving back to her ear . A moment later he pulled back , a perfect long stem rose held in his fingers as an offering to her beauty . While my parents and brother laughed , Denise blushed prettily , as only girls in the full bloom of puberty can - half way to beauty and convinced they will never reach the stage . Even Denise laughed through her blush , but I saw something different in the clown 's gesture . I saw that he wanted her . I was too young to really understand what was going on in his desire , but I knew it was there an that it wasn 't healthy . I should have seen it coming . I should have known that after touching each of my siblings , he would inevitably come for me . There was very distinct disadvantages to being six years old . One of the big limitations is you really can 't escape from a clown with long arms . He grabbed me around the wrist before I could do more than look at him , and lifted me high into the air . I wanted to scream , wanted to shriek bloody murder to the crowd around me , to look at my parents and beg them to protect me , which , after all , is what parents are supposed to do . Instead I merely looked at his face , frozen as surely as if I was staring down the barrel of a very large pistol . I looked into those light blue eyes , felt the cold wintery embrace of them as they scanned my face and looked deeper than that , past the flesh and into my soul . And then that smile of his grew wider , drawing my eyes . I watched his teeth appear from behind crimson - stained lips , wide , perfect teeth just made for taking bites out of little children . His broad flat nose - almost feral without the need of any sort of red ball - painted at the very tip , wrinkled with an almost animalistic pleasure , and he spoke for the first time , in a voice too low for anyone other than me to hear . He said , " I 'm going to make you bleed , boy . I 'm going to make you bleed and die , but first , I think I 'll rape your sister and eat your brother 's eyes . " The look on his face was pure shock . I don 't think he really expected me to react . He almost dropped me right then and there . Almost . Instead he managed to set me down , and I ran immediately to my mother , who managed to coo at me and laugh at the same time . I chose to accept the comfort of her arms and forgive the laughter , but it wasn 't easy just then . When I 'd finished washing my face , I calmly went into the closet and pulled down a box I hadn 't bothered to look at for the last three years , at least . I opened the box without really even thinking about it and pulled out my service revolver . Three years since I retired from the police force . It wasn 't a question of being in any sort of danger - Summitville 's a small place , as I said before - but how much they could pay me . I was making a lot better money working in an office now . I didn 't even have to commute unless I felt the need to actually go in and see the people who worked under me . I don 't remember much of the circus after that . But I remember the nightmares . . . Oh , Lord yes , I remember the nightmares . I don 't think I knew exactly what a rape was at the ripe old age of six , but I knew it was bad . In my dreams there was darkness , and my sister 's voice - screaming for help , mostly - and there was blood . Oceans and oceans of blood . And past her desperate cries , I sometimes saw my brother , his eyes gone , replaced by bloodied patches of darkness that were ringed with jagged tooth marks . I must have had that damned dream a hundred times or more . My mother worried herself silly over whether or not I was all right . She thought I had a cold . I never told her otherwise . Even then I knew my mother was obsessive when it came to guilty feelings . She held herself responsible for every injury , no matter how small , that befell one of her children . How long does it take a memory to fade ? How long before a nasty scare becomes a mere shadow of what it once was and becomes , instead , a tolerable delusion ? I don 't know . I only know that I eventually forgot about the clown . He became little more than a bogeyman to me , and I was perfectly willing to let him stay nothing more than that . Jeff was riding his bike , cruising around the neighborhood like he 'd done a thousand times before , when he was struck by a car . It was probably Jeff 's fault . He was always hot - dogging on that Huffy of his . He shot out onto the road without looking and the driver of the Cadillac that hit him probably never even saw him coming . My older brother was knocked twenty - seven feet through the air and landed on the sidewalk across the street from our house . I heard the sound of the car hitting him and then I heard silence and then I heard his wails of pain . I 'd have been screaming , too . He broke his left leg in six places and dislocated his right shoulder . My mother fairly flew from the house , pausing only long enough to scream at me to call 911 . I did , and they urged me to stay on the line asking for details about what was happening . I saw my mother pacing around Jeff , afraid to touch him where he lay broken , and wanting at the same time to make sure that no one and no thing could come near enough to cause him any more injury . How can I describe what it felt like to go outside and see what happened to Jeff ? He wasn 't just my older brother , he was my hero in so many ways . He was a god on the football field , and he was almost unstoppable when he was playing baseball . He almost had magic when it came to women - his girlfriends were the sort that every single guy wanted to date , and even with puberty just thinking about coming around to bother me , I could imagine what a kiss from most of them would have felt like . And while it 's true we had our differences , he was still pretty cool as brothers go . I guess maybe that 's almost always true of siblings : they may not always get along , but they are family . Seeing him broken and bleeding on the ground outside the house , well , that was like watching John Wayne die in a movie . It happened from time to time , but it always felt wrong . Only this was a thousand times worse . I rushed out to be with him , to see , as my mother had before me , if I could help in any way . I couldn 't . All I could do was feel that twisting panic in my stomach as he cried and the paramedics secured him to the gurney and put him in the back of the ambulance . Five years had passed . Five years , time for me forget the worst of my fears , or at least to suppress them . I saw the dark curly hair highlighted by sunlight that was far too bright for a day when my brother lay ruined before me . I saw the blue triangles on his face around the pools of darkness that shadowed his eyes . I saw the white skin faded in the reflection from the glass , and I saw his dark red lips part into a wide , eager smile . There was no clown . No hint that a clown could have been anywhere around me . There was nothing to say that the image was anything but my imagination , except for one comment I heard through the cloud of panic that had obscured my senses . Billy Briner , the five - year - old who lived in the house on the corner , looked to his mother and asked with solemn curiosity : " Mommy ? Why did Jeff smell like cotton candy ? Can I have some cotton candy ? " I don 't really remember going back into our house and sitting on the sofa . I barely remember anything about that day after that little comment from the kid down the road . The next thing I remember was my father , looking older than he ever had , looking less than perfect for the first time ever , calmly explaining to Denise and me that Jeff had suffered head trauma in the accident . And I remember his words , the only ones that really mattered from the whole conversation . They were like the punch line to a sadistic joke . He said , " The doctors had to take Jeff 's eyes . The pressure was too much and there was nothing they could do to save them . " I don 't suppose my laughter was appropriate , but I couldn 't help it . I wasn 't amused , not at all , don 't misunderstand me on that . I was hysterical . I couldn 't breathe after I heard those words . But I could laugh , and I did . I laughed until I was screaming and tears were falling from my eyes - Jeff wouldn 't have to worry about THAT anymore , ha ha ha and isn 't THAT a scream ! - and that 's the last thing I remember about the day Rufo took my brother 's eyes . Well , that and the dream that haunted me for the next few months . It was always the same , Rufo holding me in front of him and telling me that he was going to eat my brother 's eyes . Only Rufo must have been much bigger than I remembered , because I was eleven and still he held me like I was a toddler . And then he 'd set me down and I would run as fast as I could , moving through waves of resistance that I couldn 't see but that I could most certainly feel , like molasses dragging me back and holding me down . Finally I would see safety - my mother sitting in her chair and reaching out to me just as she did when I was a kid and scared enough to cry , just as she always did when I needed comforting - and I 'd run to her and feel her arms pulling me closer , holding me to her warm , sweet Mom scent . Only the smell was wrong : sawdust and the sickly sweet scent of cotton candy , instead of Chanel Number Five . And I 'd try to pull back , try to escape , only it 's too late , far too late and I know , I know that there was never any real chance to get away from him . And in my dreams , Rufo smiles at me , his lips smeared with even more red than usual and the crimson stains running over his white chin in a bloody goatee . And he says the words that wake me every time , wake me with a scream desperate to crash past my clamped mouth and sweat running across my forehead . " They tasted sweet . His eyes tasted just as sweet as ripe cherries , and they popped when I chewed them . " The dream only changed once that I can recall . That time , I wound up in a deep kiss with my mother - yeah , I knew , Freud would love it - and while we were locked in our embrace , she slid her tongue into my mouth . When she became Rufo , her tongue changed into a thick line of his hair , coiled and curly , caressing my tongue . I woke up that morning gagging and continued to gag until I pulled a long , dark , curly hair from the back of my throat . When does a family fall apart ? In the case of my family , it was just after Jeff 's funeral . My father grew distant , most often spending his time in the garage , tinkering with a dozen different projects that got him out of the house and let her wallow in his grief . My mother spent most of her time in the kitchen , pretending to cook while she made whimpering noises and cried to herself whens he thought no one was around . And Denise ? Denise went a little crazy . While I was doing my best to cope with the nightmares and my parents were lost in their own worlds , my old sister discovered the bar scene . It was a rare night when she came home before three in the morning , and rarer still for her to come home in any shape to be driving . My parents didn 't seem to care , couldn 't pull themselves away from their grief , and that left me to talk with her . Like I had any idea what to say . I spoke , I stumbled through a few warnings and made her promise to be at least a little careful , but it was a waste of my time and we both knew it . She was practically determined to get herself killed and there was nothing I , or anyone else , could do to stop her . She didn 't die . She actually seemed to beat the odds of what can happen to a young girl who 's determined to get herself into a bad situation . She avoided all of the worst pitfalls that should have come her way , though I remain convinced it wasn 't for lack of trying . I 'd like to think I helped with that , but I don 't really know if anything I ever said got through to her . Until Rufo came back . I saw him this time around . Saw him before he could touch Denise . Not as a mirage or a twisted reflection in the window of an emergency vehicle , but as a flesh and blood person . I saw him when he showed up at the school fair , performing little magic tricks and acting like , well , like a clown . I saw him only half an hour after I got there , and after I promised to stay out of Denise 's way , because she had a date . She was going to go out with the captain of the football team , and she was excited in a way I didn 't think she was capable of getting excited anymore . How are you supposed to act when you run across one of your nightmares in the flesh ? I walked with a gaggle of my friends , trying to be cool at an age where no one is anywhere near as cool as they want to be , and I was doing a damned fine job of it until I saw him . Listen , it 's one thing to think you might have seen someone from your past , but to know it , that 's an entirely different thing . I stared at the clown and I swear my heart stopped beating . I lost all track of my friends , of the cheap carnival rides and bad food that was there , though I 'd been looking forward to all of it . He was exactly the same as I remembered , down to the curls in his hair and the broad , vicious grin under his grease - painted smile . There was no mistaking him . There was no way in hell I had made a mistake about who it was I saw handing out balloons to a small gathering of elementary schoolers . I knew it was him because he looked right back at me and his eyes met with mine . Cold blue eyes that looked into me and saw what I did my best to hide . They saw my fear and knew the way it tasted . And the clown winked at me and ran his tongue over his exaggerated lips as I stood frozen in fear . I blinked at the distraction and looked his way . When I turned back the to where Rufo had been , he was gone . The only evidence he 'd been there at all was the gathering of little kids holding balloons in their little fists . It 's amazing how easily you can convince yourself that almost anything is your imagination if you really try . Rufo the clown couldn 't have been there . I made myself believe that with little actual effort . Besides , he hadn 't aged at all . People age . It happens . Even to men in clown make up . There was Tom to deal with , and there were the other guys and , of course , there were the girls . Running away from a figment of my imagination wasn 't likely to garner the respect of the girls . Somewhere between the time I first saw the smiling face of Rufo and that night , my mind had decided that impressing the girls was far more important . I pushed him out of my mind and enjoyed the rest of the fair , cheap as it was . Before the show was over I 'd spent every penny of my money , mooched five dollars off of Tom and spent twenty minutes in a heavy petting session with Kristin McAffee , who taught me how to french kiss and let me slip my hand up under her skirt . By the time I went to bed that night , Rufo was the last thing on my mind . I found out in the morning when Sheriff Chuck Hanson made his presence known and informed my parents that she was alive , but not doing very well . According to Hanson - a bear of a man who took violent crimes personally - she had been assaulted by her date for the evening . He was already in the county lock up and would remain there until a court date could be arranged . Because of the severe nature of her attack , he 'd pushed hard for a few owed favors and made certain that there would be no chance of the boy getting out on bail . We went to see Denise right away . My sister , who was at times a thorn in my side and one of my best friends , was alive , but not at all well . There were bites taken out of her . In addition to the rape , the man who 'd attacked her tore through her skin with his teeth , and not just once or twice , but several times . Anyone who believes that rape is a crime of passion and not an act of violence has not seen what a man can do to a woman if he really wants to hurt her . I have . Every last one of the things that could be done was , and my sister paid the price for that range . I was allowed to spend ten minutes with Denise , who was unconscious throughout my visit . After that I sat in the waiting room for a long time while I thought back over the night before and when I 'd seen Rufo . Who knows how long I might have stayed that way if the nurse at the station hadn 't come up to me and told me I had a phone call . I didn 't think about the fact that no one outside of the immediate family even knew where we were . I just walked over to the white courtesy phone and mumbled into the mouthpiece . And Rufo 's voice came through as clear as crystal ; pleasant and deep , like Ricardo Montelban without the accent . His was the voice of a storyteller who could probably lull a dozen children into a near - dream with words . And it chilled me to the bone . " I have to tell you , boy , your sister tastes good . " I think I made some sort of noise . I know I fell against the counter an slid down to the ground , clutching that receiver in my hand with almost crushing force . Despite the pulse thundering in my ears , I heard him clearly . " She was doing so well , too . Her and that boyfriend of hers . She said no and acted prim and proper , just like a lady should when he tried to get his hand up her skirt . Bet her folks would be really proud of her . Bet you would have been , too . " " You still there , boy ? Of course you are . I bet you are thinking I 'd forgotten about you , weren 't you ? I haven 't . I 'm just being patient . You weren 't really big enough to do anything about until now . Just like Denise wasn 't really up to snuff until she got properly seasoned . " He laughed then , a decidedly un - clown like sound . " Hell , I liked her so much I might have a second go at her when she 's healed up a bit . " I screamed then , ranting for him to leave her alone , to leave my sister alone or I would kill him . He laughed all the way through it , and when I finally wound down , he said one last thing to leave mw anting to just curl up and die . " It 'll be a while before she 's doing well enough for me to play with her again , boy , and I already said I had plans for you . I 'll see you tonight . " Eventually we wound up at home , without either my sister or my mother there . Mom was staying at the hospital , the better to check on Denise and comfort her should she awaken . My Dad was never really an open man . He was the sort who leaned more towards working at the office than trying to get along with his children . The situation was made far worse when Jeff died . I can only imagine what was going through his head when he thought of his only daughter lying in a hospital bed , violated and disfigured and left for dead by the sort of vermin who thinks cannibalism goes well with uninvited sex . He ordered us a pizza that went mostly untouched and after a while he called my mother on the phone and forgot about me . I , in my turn , forgot about him , lost in the repeated thoughts of Denise 's assault and the grinning face of Rufo , my personal demon . Sleep was completely out of the question . I kept hearing his promise to see me that night . I waited until my father had drifted to sleep watching the late night news , and then I went downstairs and pulled the biggest knife I could find from the cutlery my mother used to prepare meals . While it 's true that the mind can play tricks and I wasn 't fully grown at that time , I feel safe in saying that the blade was no less than a foot in length . It might have even been longer . All I know for certain was that it was a formidable weapon and one I intended to use on Rufo when he made his appearance . I did my very best to stay awake , but despite my fears of the clown who 'd violated my sister and caused , however indirectly , my brother 's death , I eventually faded into slumber . And that damned thing came into my dreams again , violating my mind as surely as it had violated my sister . And if you don 't believe that a spirit can be raped , then you have never fallen victim to the invasion of your dreams and should count yourself among the blessed . I thought I was awake . That was the worst part of it . There was no sense of drifting through a dream or even moving through a nightmare . I remember holding the blade in my hands and staring at the window from my room to the world beyond those four walls . The closest thing I felt to a dream - like element was the sudden knowledge that Rufo was there in the room with me . And , again , I was caught by the fat that though I had grown taller in the years between when I saw him the first time and that moment , he remained just as tall as ever , impossibly large in my small room . " I told you , boy , I 'm going to make you bleed . " He reached for me and I lunged forward , slashing savagely with the butcher knife in my hand . And , oh , how I screamed . I raged with the fury of eight years of constant fear and frustration . My blade cut deeply through the baggy clothing covering his skinny body and his eyes flew wide with fear as the knife plunged deep into flesh and carved runners of red down his torso . His hands moved between us in a feeble attempt to stop me , but failed to do more than allow me the pleasure of hacking though the meat of his forearms and wrists . I did not merely thrill at cutting into his body , I reveled in it . The feeling of the knife puncturing his sadistic flesh was almost sexual for me . I stood up , finally , smeared with the blood and viscera of my most hated fears spilling upon my body , and grinned down in satisfaction . And saw instead of his sickly pale face the torn and bloodied remains of my sister Denise . I woke up with a scream pulling past my lips and the knife I 'd chosen to defend myself clutched in my hand hard enough to draw blood . Somewhere along the way I 'd grasped my weapon by the blade and sliced through my own skin . And this time when I looked up and saw Rufo standing above me , I knew it wasn 't a dream . His hand moved down and grabbed my face , mashing my lips against my teeth , even as he smiled broadly and leaned in close enough for me to smell his cotton candy breath . " Didn 't I tell you , boy ? Didn 't I say I 'd make you bleed ? Rufo always keeps his promises . Believe me , that 's a fact . " And my father , a man who I had never known in all my years to be angry or violent , burst through the door into my bedroom with enough force to shatter the wooden frame . My father , who , to the best of my knowledge , had never committed anything even vaguely resembling an act of retribution , moved across the room and tackled the clown standing beside me , with enough force to slam him into the wall and break the sheet rock . The knife in Rufo 's hand managed to slip free from the grasp and somehow or another , it wound up in my father 's possession . They struggled , those two men who had been a part of my life for so very long , and in the end my father rose from the floor of my bedroom and left Rufo dead at the side of my bed , his blood pooling into the shag carpet . In time Denise recovered from the worst of her injuries , though she tended for quite some time to stay away from dating . The boy accused of assaulting her was eventually cleared of all charges , though he and his family moved away not long after that . Summitville is a small town , as I 've already said , and some of the people who live there are very unforgiving . Denise may well have agreed that he did nothing to her , but there are some who doubted her word . My father knew the truth and so did Denise and so did I . But the evidence wasn 't allowed out , you see . The truth about what happened to her was buried along with the stranger in the clown make up . I never asked where my father buried him , and he never once volunteered the information . Summitville has its share of secrets , and where Rufo was put to rest is only one of them . And that secret was one that my father took to his death a few years back . He died in a bad way , taken from the world by a stranger 's poor driving habits when he was on a business trip in Denver . He was crushed between his car seat and the steering wheel , and died beside my mother . I had a dream about their death a few weeks later . In my dream both of them were smiling as they died . And the cuts on their faces left them with marks of clown makeup . And I went on with my life until this morning , when I saw the face of Cecil Phelps on the front page of the newspaper . What a treat for the people of Summitville ! Cecil Phelps coming to town and performing live for a charity function . What an absolute delight for one and all . The up and coming comedian here in town to make everyone laugh . The dead are supposed to stay dead , you see . And I know for a fact that Cecil Phelps died . I know because I saw my father kill him . I know because I was there when the makeup was washed away from his skin and his face was made clear and real for the first time in my life . I knew he was dead a long time before Susan and I were married and well before I came back to Summitville from my time in college . I thought he was dead this afternoon when I called Susan and told her I thought it would be a nice surprise if she took Danielle and went to visit her mother in Aspen . Just a few hours away , and I would join them as soon as I was finished with a few extra hours of work at the office . I stay busy in my little job as the managing editor of Summitville 's little newspaper . Imagine my surprise when I saw the lead article that I never approved or even read about . I knew Cecil Phelps was dead when I read that very article this morning and I knew he was dead when he called me this afternoon . He only said one thing to me . It was enough to chill me to the core of my soul . He said , " I promised to make you bleed and die , boy . I made you bleed , but that was only half of what I promised you . Rufo the Clown always keeps his word . " I did not scream when I heard his voice or when I heard his words . I 'm older now and better able to keep my cool . I didn 't scream when I heard his laugh or even when he hung up on me . Moore 's first short story collection , Slices , sold out before ever seeing print . He recently finished his latest novels Seven Forges and Congregation of the Dead ( with co - author Charles R . Rutledge ) . He is currently at work on several additional projects , including the forthcoming The Silent Army . What to say about me ? I am the blogger behind The Gal in the Blue Mask , the editor at Hyde ' n ' Seek Editing . I 'm an avid reader , a purveyor of delectable fare and pulchritudinous confections , a lover of large words . I am me . . . nothing more , nothing less . |
The house stood back from the road in an orchard . In the orchard , monitor lizards the length of a man 's arm stalked the branches of rambutan trees like tigers on the hunt . Behind the house was an abandoned rubber tree plantation , so proliferant with monkeys and leeches and spirits that it might as well have been a forest . The first time she saw the boy across the classroom , Ah Lee knew she was in love because she tasted durian on her tongue . That was what happened - no poetry about it . She looked at a human boy one day and the creamy rank richness of durian filled her mouth . For a moment the ghost of its stench staggered on the edge of her teeth , and then it vanished . It was evening - Ah Lee had had to stay late at school for marching drills - and the aunts were already cooking dinner . The scent of fried liver came from the wok wielded by Aunty Girl . It smelt exquisite , but where before the smell of fried garlic would have filled her mouth with saliva , now it was the liver that made Ah Lee 's post - death nose sit up and take interest . It would have smelt even better raw . " I mean , " said Ah Lee . " When you eat the ginger , can you taste it ? Because I can 't . I can only taste people . Everything else got no taste . Like drinking water only . " Disapproval rose from the aunts and floated just above their heads like a mist . The aunts avoided discussing their undeceased state . It was felt to be an indelicate subject . It was like talking about your bowel movements , or other people 's adultery . " I finished it already , " said Ah Lee . " But why do you put in all the spices when you cook , then ? If it doesn 't make any difference ? " " Ah girl , " said Ah Ma , " you don 't talk like that , please . We are not animals . Even if we are not alive , we are still human . As long as we are human we will eat like civilised people , not dogs in the forest . If you want to know why , that is why . " " Enough , enough , " said Ah Chor . As the oldest of the aunts , she had the most authority . " No need to talk about this kind of thing . Ah Lee , come pick the roots off these tauge and don 't talk so much . " Ah Lee kept running into the wall of the aunts ' disapproval head first . They were a family who believed that there was a right way to do things , and consequently a right way to think . Ah Lee always seemed to be thinking wrong . She could see that as her caretakers the aunts had a right to determine where she went and what she did . But she objected to their attempts to change what she thought . After all , none of them had died before the age of fifty - five , while she was stuck at sixteen . This came after Sa Ee Poh had spent half an hour marvelling over her capacity for disagreement . In Sa Ee Poh 's day , girls did not answer back . They listened to their elders , did their homework , came top in class , bought the groceries , washed the floor , and had enough time left over to learn to play the guzheng and volunteer for charity . When Sa Ee Poh had been a girl , she had positively delighted in submission . But children these days … . " Why do you care so much about brands ? " said Ah Ma . " If you want clothes , Ah Ma can make clothes for you . Better than the clothes in the shop also . " So Ah Lee did not tell them about the boy . If the aunts could not handle her having thoughts , imagine how much worse they would be about her having feelings . Especially love - love , stealing into her life like a thief in the night , filling her dried out heart and plumping it out . Being a vampire was not so bad . It was like eating steak every day , but when steak was your favourite food in the world . It wasn 't anything like the books and movies , though . In books and movies it seemed quite romantic to be a vampire , but Ah Lee and her aunts were clearly the wrong sort of people for the ruffled shirt and velvet jacket style of vampirism . In fact Ah Lee 's life had become more boring post - death than it had been pre - , because at least when she was alive she had had friends . Now she just had aunts . She still went to school , but she was advised against fraternising with her schoolfellows for obvious reasons . " Anyway , what is friends ? " said the aunts . " Won 't last one . Only family will be there for you at the end of the day . " Yet here came this boy one fine day , and suddenly her ears and nostrils were cleared . Her head was blown open . The sayings of the aunts fluttered away in the wind and dissolved with nothing to hold on to . Love was like swallowing a cili padi whole . " I can 't remember whether today is my turn to clean the window or not . Sorry , you say what ah ? You think that guy looks very nice , is it ? " " I know , right , " said the classmate . This seemed an eccentric move to them both . Everyone had uncles and aunts , cousins , older brothers and sisters who lived in KL . Only grandparents stayed in Lubuk Udang . In three years , Ah Lee knew , none of the people sitting around her in the classroom would still be living there . Lubuk Udang was a place you moved away from when you were still young enough to have something to move for . Fresh surprises awaited . The first time the boy opened his mouth in class , a strong Western accent came out . It said , " I don 't know " in answer to the obvious question the Add Maths teacher had posed him , but it made even that confession of ignorance sound glamorous . Ridzual called natrium " sodium " and kalium " potassium " . For the duration of his first week at school he wore dazzlingly white hi - top leather sneakers instead of the whitewashed canvas shoes everyone else wore . The shoes didn 't last long - they were really too cool to be regulation . But it didn 't matter that Ridzual had to give them up to the discipline teacher a week after he had started . The aroma of leather hung around him forever after , even when he was only wearing Bata like the rest of the class . Ah Lee had never been in love but she took to it like a natural despite her lack of practice . She spun secret fantasies about him : the things they would say to each other , the adventures they would have . She would reel off dazzling one - liners ; he would gaze at her with intrigued longan seed eyes . She saw them sitting in a cafe unlike any kopitiam to be found in Lubuk Udang , with flowered wallpaper , tiny glossy mahogany tables , and brisk friendly waitresses who took your orders down in a little notebook and did not shout in the direction of the kitchen , " Milo O satu ! " They would sit together at a table , Ridzual 's curly head bent close to her smooth one . They would speak of serious things , but she would also make him laugh . Through this love she would be renewed , brilliant , special . However lurid her fantasies got , her imagination never stretched beyond conversation . You could not imagine kissing a boy when you were never more than a room 's width away from an aunt . Ah Lee 's favourite time to dream was in that precious space of quiet between getting in bed and falling asleep . She could construct a pretty good Parisian cafe as she lay underneath her Donald Duck blanket . But cafes were one thing : kisses were another . No kiss could survive Ji Ee 's snores from the mattress across the room . It was no big deal . There was time enough to imagine the later stages of her romance - after all , she had not even got to the overtures . Ah Lee came from a family that believed in being prepared . While staring at the back of Ridzual 's lovely head in class , she wove conversation openers , from the casual to the calculatedly cool . The aunts would have pulled it off if they had left everything to Ji Ee . In life Ji Ee had played the violin . She could have been a professional if her husband had not become envious and depressed , so that she had had to stop playing to keep him happy . She had not touched a violin since , but she still had the soul of an artist . It gave her sensibility . They were sitting on the step outside the kitchen door . Behind them came the hiss and clang of Ah Chor making human stomach soup with bucketloads of pepper and coriander . In front of them stood the orchard . " When you are young , you must focus , " said Ji Ee . " You must pay attention at school , study hard and become clever . When you are young , that is when you have the best chance . And you are young now , in this modern day , when women can do everything . Can be doctor , can be lawyer . You know none of us went to university . Your Ah Chor wasn 't allowed and when Ah Ma and Sa Ee Poh were young , during the war , everything was too kelam - kabut . I wasn 't clever enough . Aunty Girl 's family couldn 't afford it , so she could only get a diploma . " But you , Ah Lee , you have all the opportunities . We have lived so long , we have saved enough money . Maybe if you study hard , if you get a scholarship , you could even go to England like my uncle the doctor , your Tua Tiao Kong . Your English is so good . You have a good chance . " Ah Lee was used to such pep talks . The aunts never scolded ; they did not believe in raising their voice . They only " told " . The benefits of only ever being told and not scolded were obvious , but the disadvantage of it was that while people only scolded when you had done something wrong , aunts got to tell all the time . " I know , Ji Ee , " Ah Lee said . " You all have told me before . " In her daydream Ridzual had been on the point of tucking her hair behind her ear . She was impatient to return to it . " You must not get distracted by anything , " said Ji Ee . " There will be time for other things when you are older . There is so much time ahead of you . Right now you must focus on your studies . Then we can tell all the neighbours about our clever girl . " She put her soft hand on Ah Lee 's arm and stroked it . Love came up the arm and melted Ah Lee 's thorny teenaged heart . When Ji Ee said , " Ah girl ! Who is this Malay boy ? What is he called already ? " She turned to Ah Ma . " Ri - Li - Liwat or what ? " Ah Ma did not know any dirty words , and could not have told you what sodomy was if you 'd asked her . She said unconcernedly , " Ridzwan , Ma . He is called Ridzwan . Isn 't that right , Ah Lee ? " Ah Lee was surfing the waves of outrage . She started to say , " You all read my diary ? " Then she clamped her mouth shut in fury . Of course they had . She could just picture Ji Ee and Aunty Girl reading it out , translating the English and Malay to Hokkien as they went along for the benefit of Ah Chor and Ah Ma and Sa Ee Poh , who could not read . The aunts ' conception of the right to privacy went far enough to allow you to close the toilet door when you were peeing , but no further . " Even if you think you will be so happy and the man is so good , you don 't know what can happen , " said Ah Chor . " Do you know or not , they can marry four wives ? Malay men … . " The laksa lady cannot even count as girlfriend , " sniffed Sa Ee Poh . " Remember how she threw a bowl of laksa in his face when he told her he wasn 't going to marry her . Even a laksa lady can put on airs like that . " " She asked him to pay for it some more ! " said Ah Ma . She realised they were enjoying reminiscing about her naughty brother 's adventures rather too much , and changed her face to look serious . " Ah Lee , this is what men are like . " " Only bad men , " said Ah Ma . " But when you are young you cannot tell whether a man is a good man or a bad man yet . You are too small . Now you must focus on your studies . Don 't think about this Ridzwan . " " This is what happens when you marry too young , " she told Ah Lee . " That Man didn 't even deserve to be called husband . I was only 19 when I had my third child , your Sa Ee Poh , and already he had a second wife . " " When I found out , I told him , if you don 't stop seeing her , I will take my children and go , " said Ah Chor . " He promised he wouldn 't see her again . But all along after that , little did I know he was going back and forth between me and that other woman ! My fourth child is the same age as her second child . He didn 't know how to feel shame ! Never mind my heart . At least if she didn 't have children nobody would know . But he didn 't even care enough to save my face . " " Ah Lee must know so she won 't make the same mistake , " said Ah Chor . " He didn 't even support the second wife properly , so she came to me asking for money . When I saw her with the baby , I packed up and brought all my children here . Don 't think this was your grandfather 's house ! He was rich before he lost it all in gambling , but this was my parents ' home . His creditors couldn 't touch this . All this was my land . If That Man came on it without my permission , I could call the police on him . " " Oh , he was my husband , after all , " said Ah Chor . " I didn 't let him live here . Only visit . I told him , you can come and stay for good only after you get rid of that woman . But he didn 't , so even after he asked and asked , I never went back to him . " It wasn 't easy , you know or not ? Raising eight children with no husband . Lucky my mother was there to help me . That 's why you cannot think about this kind of thing at your age - men , romance . It 's too early . " " He was a good husband . Men have their little ways . They have their likes and dislikes . As long as they are responsible , as long as they look after you and the children , there 's no harm in letting them have their way . " Ah Lee was less impressed by the wickedness of Sa Ee Poh 's husband . Sa Ee Poh was the only one who spoke about her husband with the complacency of someone who had asked more of love and always received it . But she still complained about her husband 's vegetarianism . " You think what ? I had to be vegetarian also ! " Sa Ee Poh retorted . " You think he cooked for himself ? I cooked for the two of us . Vegetarian a few times a year or for a few months , I don 't mind . Vegetarian all the time … for the rest of my life I never tasted garlic or onion ! " Ah Ma kept the story about her marriage for the right time . One night Ah Lee 's evening hunt had taken longer than usual , so she got home late and only managed to finish her Add Maths homework after 11 . She was feeling creaky - jointed and lonely as she got ready for bed in a house full of night sounds . The beam of light under Ah Ma 's door came as a pleasant surprise . Ah Lee climbed into bed to the soft melody of Ah Ma 's fussing : " Come under the blanket , you 'll get cold . Let Ah Ma feel your hands . Ah , see lah , so cold ! Next time you mustn 't go out until so late . Not good to work so late at night . Why don 't you want to eat dinner with us ? " " I did , Ah Ma , " Ah Lee protested . Now that she was under the blanket with Ah Ma 's bony arm around her and Ah Ma 's warm chest against her cheek , she felt drowsy , protected . " The guy had a motorbike . Didn 't know how to get rid of it . " " Yes . Flew out of town and dumped it in the middle of an oil palm plantation . No blood stains , and I took off the licence plate . " Ah Ma tsked . " So difficult , " she said . " Next time just eat with us . We all have hunted for you already . And we are older than you so we know which people are the nicest to eat . " They sat in silence for a while . Ah Lee half - shut her eyes to keep out the light from the lamp on the bedside table . Through the slits of her eyes she could see Ah Ma 's reading glasses and the container in which she kept her false teeth . The teeth floated in cloudy water , yellowed by coffee and blood . The cicadas screeched . The ceiling fan hummed to itself . The air was cool enough that the breeze it created was a pleasure rather than the necessity it usually was . Ah Lee forgot the persistent sense of irritation she had had since the aunts had found her diary , which had felt as if she had sand in her underwear . She was almost asleep when Ah Ma spoke . " Don 't know , " said Ah Lee . An expectant pause ensued . Ah Ma was waiting for a better attempt at an answer . " Er … you loved him ? " " Where got ? " said Ah Ma . " I was 16 , a little girl only . How to know what is love yet ? Ah Ma washed your backside when you were a baby . Now that is love . " " Don 't answer back to your elders , " said Ah Ma . " No , I married him because of the war . The Japanese soldiers used to come to everyone 's houses looking for young girls . So Ah Chor cut our hair and put us in our brothers ' clothes . It worked with Sa Ee Poh because she was younger and skinny , but you know when Ah Ma was young Ah Ma was so chubby - chubby . Even wearing boys ' clothes , I still looked like a girl . " When the soldiers came Ah Chor would tell us to run to the forest behind the house and hide there until the soldiers went away . So horrible ! Must lie in the mud . Cannot move even with mosquitoes biting your body . When I came back to the house my face looked like it had pimples all over it because of the mosquito bites , and my legs were covered with leeches . I had to sit down in the kitchen and Ah Chor would put salt on them , but you cannot take them off with your hand , you know ? Must wait until they drop off . Then when they came off , my legs would bleed everywhere . So horrible . " " One day some soldiers came without warning to our house . I was in the kitchen cutting ubi kayu . Those days we had nothing much to eat , only tapioca that we grew ourselves . There was no time to run out to the forest , so I just tried to make myself look small , bent my head over the chopping board . Your Ah Chor was so scared , she offered them all the food : do you want Nescafe , do you want biscuit , this lah , that lah . And she talked . Usually when the soldiers came we didn 't talk so much . Scared they think we asked questions because we were spies or what . But Ah Chor didn 't want them to look at me , so she kept talking . Did they like Malaya ? How was Japan like , not so hot ? Her Japanese was not so good but she used every word she knew . When she ran out of words she knew , she repeated everything she 'd already said . " But the soldiers kept looking over at me . I was so scared I cut my finger instead of the ubi and the blood went all over the tapioca . And I didn 't even make a sound . The soldiers drank coffee . They talked to Ah Chor , very friendly . Then they finally got up to go . Suddenly their captain turned around and pointed at me . He said , " All along they were looking at the ubi kayu on the shelf above my head ! We gave them all the ubi we harvested from our own plants , even though we went hungry for the next few days . Your great - grandfather said Ah Chor should have given me away instead . " " Men cannot stand having empty stomachs , " said Ah Ma . " After that your great - grandparents were very anxious to see me married . When your Ah Kong came to lodge with us he was already quite old - 38 years old - and we only knew him a few weeks before he asked to marry me . But he was a teacher and an educated man and the Japanese respected him , so my mother and father said yes . " A hush . Ah Lee said into it , " He wasn 't so bad , was he ? " She remembered her grandfather as a benign figure , distant , but kindly enough when he was reminded of your existence . " Your Ah Kong was a good father , " said Ah Ma . " All his students at his school looked up to him . Even the Japanese could see that he had a good character . And he knew how to be polite . He never said a bad word to me . " But when a girl marries so young , to someone so much older … and he was educated , and I couldn 't even read . I could hold a pen but I could only draw pictures with it . Ah girl , you must never tell anybody this . But your Ah Kong did not respect me . Without love you can live a happy life . Love is something that will come after you live together with your husband , after you have children together . But a woman should not marry where there is no respect . Respect is the most important thing . When she was a child Ah Lee had often wondered whether adults could read her mind . They seemed to have an uncanny ability to tell what she was thinking at any given moment . Ah Ma evinced this telepathy now : " Ah , you 're angry already , " she said . " Don 't think so much . Listen to Ah Ma and do what you 're told . Now give me a kiss and go to bed . " It was because of Thursdays . Ji Ee and Aunty Girl were the only two of the aunts who could drive , so it was their job to pick Ah Lee up from school . But they had line dancing every Thursday and so they were an hour late . Ah Lee usually waited for them in the canteen , doing homework if she felt like it and daydreaming if she didn 't . In the middle of the day there weren 't many people around , and it was pleasant , even quiet . It smelled of grease , heated metal from the car park , and the freshly - washed flesh of the afternoon session kids waiting for school to start . " Your name is Eng Ah Lee ? Don 't worry , I 'm not a stalker . I know ' cos I was checking out all our team members in class . I 'm using this project as an exercise to get to know people . My name 's Ridzual , I 'm new . So what do you think of early civilisations ? I don 't know shit about them . " Despite her many fantasies , Ah Lee had not seriously considered ever actually talking to Ridzual . She waited for her throat to close and her muscles to freeze . But she found herself speaking naturally , as if to a friend whom she had known forever . " Hah ! Don 't even say that , " said Ridzual . " No , that 's true . At least with Tamadun Awal maybe we can dress up like Ancient Egyptians or something . I think I 'd look good in eyeliner . " " Nanti kena rotan by the discipline teacher then you know , " said Ah Lee . " You know Puan Aminah doesn 't even let us wear coloured watches . Must be black , plain black strap . " She showed him the watch she was wearing . " Metal watch also cannot . Too gaya konon . " " Wah lau , " said Ridzual . He said it in a toneless accent Ah Lee found peculiarly charming . " I think that woman is just jealous . Like when she confiscated my shoes . She couldn 't stand looking at them , just got too jealous of my style . " It would have been obnoxious if he had been serious . But Ridzual wore a perpetual embarrassed smile , an uncertainty around the eyes , that made it obvious that the hot air was just joking . Ah Lee liked vulnerability in a human , and she warmed to this . " I never saw them again , " said Ridzual . " I think she 's wearing them now . Sometimes if you look closely you can see the white flash under the hem of her baju … . " Discipline teachers cannot stand me , " he said mournfully . " I remind them of what they can never achieve . At my last school there was one teacher like that . Encik Velu . He used to chase me around the school with a rotan . He said it 's because I ponteng or I made rude signs at the teacher or I kencing in the beaker or some garbage like that . But he couldn 't fool me . I knew it was because he wished he was like me when he was young , one million years ago . " " Only once , " said Ridzual modestly . " It was for science . I wanted to titrat it but the kimia teacher stop me before I can do it . " " Oh , that , " said Ridzual . It was his turn to look embarrassed . " That 's called a Bangsar accent . But don 't hold it against me . I 'm trying to be a Lubuk Udangite . A good prawn . " Ah Lee had not had a friend to spend break with since she 'd started at that school . She did not eat during break . It had seemed simpler to avoid the crowd at the canteen , and find some out - of - the - way spot on the school grounds where she could read . She had loved the chewy fried fish sticks in life . Now she was dead they tasted of nothing . She ate slowly and threw the remaining keropok away when break was over . She felt bad about the waste of it - heart - pain , the aunts would have said . Ah Lee 's upbringing had trained her to a mindful parsimoniousness , so that it did almost feel like a physical pain to see the fish sticks tumbling into the bin . " Er , Tua Kim , " said Ah Lee . " Um , don 't tell the others , OK or not ? Ah Chor and Ah Ma and all of them . Ah Ma will scold me for eating fried things . She 'll say I 'll get pimples . " " You need your own friends , " said Tua Kim . When Ah Lee peeked up she saw that Tua Kim 's face had not softened . She spoke almost sternly . It was not kindness in her face , but understanding . " You need your own thing , " said Tua Kim . " Something that 's nothing to do with your family . You feel this especially when you 're young , but even for old people it 's important . Some people don 't understand this kind of thing . So it 's better not to talk so much about it . " She wiped her hand on a dishcloth and started putting the clean dishes back in the cupboard . " I 'll put your snack in your backpack in the morning . Other people don 't need to see . " She had never thanked an aunt for anything before . It was understood that they would do things for her , that that was the way the world worked . She did not need to thank them any more than trees thanked the sun for shining or the earth thanked the clouds for rain . Ah Lee was not sure the aunts would have understood or even registered any attempt on her part to express gratitude for the many ways in which they cared for her . It made her feel funny to say the words - stripped , somehow . Skinless and shy . To say it was to contemplate a world in which the aunts did not look after her . Tua Kim only inclined her head slightly to show she had heard . She made no other response . That was one thing you could rely on Tua Kim for . She had a sense of the appropriateness of things . The next day at school Ah Lee opened her plastic container and almost felt normal , eating fried kidney nuggets as if she were any ordinary kid at school . Ridzual sneaked looks at the nuggets as he was eating his tomyam noodles . When he had finished his noodles , he said casually , " In this country we must accept other people 's customs , " said Ah Lee . " Not just tolerate , but respect . That is how to live together . " " Who 's greedy now ? " said Ah Lee . " One bowl of tomyam , how many otak - otak - tak cukup ke ? Your mother and father don 't feed you ? " " No ! " said Ah Lee a little too loudly . " Everything is Ridzual this , Ridzual that . You think that 's the only thing I think about , is it ? " " That 's right , " said Aunty Girl . " She doesn 't stop liking things so fast . Remember when she was small , she liked that English show , what was it called - " she switched to English for the title : " ' My Little Horsie ' . She had all those horse toys , with the long hair and the stars on the backside . She liked it for two years ! From four until six . " " Men are not like My Little Heh Bee , " said Ah Chor reprovingly . " There 's no problem with liking little heh bee for a long time . But Ah Chor has already told you , so many problems come if you like a man . " " Ma , " Ji Ee protested . " You let me have friends when I was Ah Lee 's age . There 's nothing wrong with boy friends - not sweethearts , not at this age , but boy friends are OK . That 's normal . " " We couldn 't , " said Sa Ee Poh . " Not you and me . Never mind sweethearts . Ma didn 't even allow us just to be friends with boys . " " When we were older we could get married , and everybody could come to our wedding , " she said . " There was nothing to hide . It 's not the same for you . " Ah Ma wants you to get married some day . Ah Ma wants you to graduate from university . Maybe you will never have children , but you can be a good scholar and have a good job . Other people will admire you . Your husband will respect you . " But for this to happen , people cannot know . You must be very careful . You have to go to school so you can study , but you must make sure people don 't remember you . No friends . Don 't talk too much to teachers . You remember we all told you this before you started school again . " Ah Lee remembered . She stared at her exercise book . Ridzual had written " what does any of it MEAN " at the bottom of the page . She had whited it out with liquid eraser , but the words showed through after the white fluid had dried . " Don 't do it suddenly , " said Ji Ee . " Slowly just become more distant . Don 't drop him immediately , but don 't need to talk to him so much . He will get the hint . " " Things will change in the future , " said Aunty Girl . " When you are older , at university , it 'll be easier to hide . You can have friends there . But this place is too small . Everybody knows everybody 's business . It 's better to keep to yourself . " " There 's no need to be so sad , girl , " said Sa Ee Poh . " Even if you hurt his feelings , he won 't remember you after a while . Young people recover very fast . " I will remember , thought Ah Lee . She did not want to cry because the aunts made such a fuss when you cried . She gulped and squeezed her pen and looked at Tua Kim . " Hah ! Very true , " said Aunty Girl . " When you get married , you won 't be the only bride who knows something the groom doesn 't know . Cousin Kah Hoe didn 't even know his wife was pregnant until she had the baby six months after the wedding . " How could you die and not be old enough to hear about premarital sex ? How could you die and still not be allowed to fall in love or be honest ? Surely not everything had to wait for university and a good job . Passion and truth had to trump even those things . It was a Thursday again , Ji Ee and Aunty Girl 's line dancing day , and Ah Lee and Ridzual were hanging around waiting for their respective rides home . They had found the perfect width of concrete ledge to sit on next to the monsoon drain outside their school . From here they had an unobstructed view of the road , and a big leafy flame - of - the - forest provided dappled shade . Once it was out she felt a great sense of relief . She knew she wanted to tell him . She was sick of keeping everything important to herself , hidden away from the piercing gaze of the aunts . Ah Lee started to feel worried . She had never seen Ridzual act like this before . Something seemed really wrong . Maybe something bad had happened at home . She got up and touched his shoulder . " It 's no big deal , " he said . " It 's nothing to you . There 's nothing wrong . I just like you , that 's all . That 's my big secret . Probably you know already , probably it is very obvious . You want you laugh lah . But it 's the first time I 've ever been in l - love , so sorry if I want to make a big fuss about it . " " It 's OK ! " he said . " Don 't say ! I know the answer . I 've embarrassed myself enough . Just out of the kindness of your heart , can you please don 't say anything ? " " For five minutes ! " said Ridzual . " In five minutes my dignity will return . Just leave me in peace to enjoy my misery for five minutes , OK ? " " Don 't need to be so drama , " she said . " You think this is Cantonese serial or what ? I had something to tell you too , remember ? " There was a pause in which Ridzual did not move or even show that he had heard . Then he rubbed his eyes . He rearranged his limbs , sat down on the ledge , and looked at her . " You don 't have to agree when I kutuk myself ! " said Ridzual . He gave her the sweetest half - smile . His eyes were red and his lashes were still wet . She found she could not do it . It was absurd . She had promised herself that she would tell him that she liked him , and not just as a friend . She liked him liked him . It had seemed so easy five minutes ago . It ought to be even easier now . She had only to say , " I like you back . " But what if Ridzual didn 't believe her ? What if he thought she was just saying it to comfort him ? What if , once she said it , he revealed that he had just been joking about liking her ? Could she stand to give so much of herself away ? " That 's why you can 't share my nuggets , " Ah Lee said wildly . " They 're not not - halal because they 're made of pork . They 're not halal because they 're made of human . " At first Ridzual looked as if he might believe her . He looked at her for a long time , his mouth grim . His eyebrows knitted , his mouth twisted - then his face cleared and he laughed . " You 're such a freak , " said Ridzual . " You 're the weirdest person I know . Is that how you always try to change the subject in an awkward situation ? " Scuse me , sir , your fly is undone . But don 't worry about it , I 'm a werewolf ! ' " Ah Lee should have been relieved , or maybe touched , or any one of a number of benign emotions . Instead she felt vexed . You told someone the biggest secret you had and they didn 't even take you seriously ! What was she thinking ? she asked herself later . She knew that love was supposed to make you act funny , but she did not know that it could actually deprive you of all common sense . Or kindness . It was not kind to show that to a human . What Ridzual saw was a cold grey face , a face incontrovertibly dead . The features were Ah Lee 's own everyday features , but the skin did not have the comforting human glow - the flush in the cheek , the sweat on the upper lip . The texture of it was such that it did not even look like skin . Her face looked like it was made out of plastic . The long black hair hung around the face lankly . The eyes were white . When her mouth opened , a musty inorganic smell gusted out . The tongue was bright red , the colour of fresh arterial blood , and it was too long . She watched him run down the road , his limbs flailing and growing smaller . When he reached the junction at the end of the road , he stopped and doubled over . He would be bathed in sweat - the sun was unforgiving today , and Ridzual always skipped PE classes . He paused and Ah Lee could almost see him wonder whether he should scrape up his dignity and come back to the forgiving shade , or keep jogging and probably have sunstroke . But then it was an agony to be sitting alone . It took so long to chew each nugget when she wasn 't using her mouth for talking . She caught glimpses of Ridzual through the crowd , queueing up for his tomyam and awkwardly not looking at anyone because he didn 't have any friends except her . The nuggets tasted like paper . It was as if she was eating human food . After that she avoided the canteen . Behind one of the school blocks there was a narrow channel that ran between the building and the wall that surrounded the school grounds . It had become a repository for unwanted things : buckets of dried paint were lined up along the wall , and broken old furniture came here to die . Ah Lee fit right in . Here she could sit and read in peace , just as she had done before she 'd ever become friends with Ridzual . " Sorry lah , " said Ridzual in a mild complaining tone . He rubbed his jaw . " What is this , WWF ? Man , you have a strong right hook . " Ridzual looked around for a chair , but failed to locate one . In a government school chairs only got rejected from classroom duty for a real fault , such as having a hole in the middle of the seat , or being in several pieces . He sat down on the ground instead . " I didn 't even know such things were real , " he whispered . He did not look up at her . " How did you become a - a - " ' Vampire ' was safe . ' Vampire ' was like Dracula , like goofy old black and white films , like pale ang moh boys who swooned over long - haired girls . Vampire was funny , or sexy , depending on which movie you watched . Ridzual had a boyish disregard for subtextual cues . He did not seem to notice how wound up Ah Lee was . He said , softly , as if he were speaking to himself , " I 've really never liked anyone as much as I like you , " said Ridzual . " In my life . Not even as a , a girl . I 've never even had a friend I liked as much as you . " When I 'm with you I feel like life is exciting . Like everything has an interesting secret behind it , like nothing is normal or boring . That 's how you make me feel . Not even by doing anything . Just when I 'm hanging out with you . " " Who you think you 're talking to ? " said Ah Lee . " There is no Ah Lee the vampire and Ah Lee your friend - the girl who use to be your friend . I am just one person . If you make not a vampire anymore , doesn 't mean we can be - be dating . If you make me not a vampire anymore , means there is no me anymore . You understand ? " When she took off her shoes at the front door the air hit her nose , crowded with homey smells : coriander and hong yu and the stale scent of clean blankets . The balloon popped . Ah Lee drew in a huge breath and expelled it as a sob . " Ah , that 's it , late ! " said Ah Chor sternly . " Always late ! What 's the use of all this line - dancing ? Now you are late to pick Ah Lee up and you have made her cry . " " Ah girl , don 't cry , " said Ji Ee . " Ji Ee won 't be late anymore . We don 't need to go dancing . Ah , so old already , we won 't miss it ! " " I never believed in all this dancing thing , " said Ah Chor . " In my time girls didn 't put themselves up there on the stage for people to look at it . It 's not so nice . " " Ma , their dancing is not like cabaret , " said Sa Ee Poh . " It is exercise , like taichi or aerobic . Anyway the girls are so big already . Why not let them do it ? " Tua Kim was the only one who had stayed in the kitchen when Ah Lee started crying . Now the sound of the tap running stopped and she came into the room , wiping her hands on a rag . A momentary lull had fallen as the aunts waited for Ah Lee to reply , so everyone heard Tua Kim when she spoke , even though her voice was as quiet as it always was . In the hush , Tua Kim sat down on the sofa next to Ah Lee and put her arm around her . The aunts were not from a generation that hugged . Tua Kim did it in a detached , almost a clinical way . In the same way the aunts had picked Ah Lee up and carried her when she was too exhausted to walk , those first few hours after she died . Ah Lee went to bed feeling pleasantly hollow and tired from crying so much . Her eyes were red and the skin around her nostrils was rough , but she felt clean and quiet inside . Aunt after aunt came into her room on some pretext , to lay their soft wrinkled hands on her head and make sure her blanket was tucked around her properly . She slept like the virtuous dead , dreamless and innocent . It would start hurting again soon . The sense of invulnerability wouldn 't last forever . The aunts would stop spoiling her and start chiding her for still being upset about it . But some day she 'd stop being upset , stop missing Ridzual at all , and when she was done with school she would go to university far away from Lubuk Udang , and maybe there she 'd meet someone nicer than Ridzual . She got up and walked through the silent dark house , wondering . There was no one in the kitchen . The living room was empty . It was six thirty , past the hour when Sa Ee Poh 's favourite Cantonese serial would have begun - and yet the house was auntless . They must have gone out hunting , though it was late for that . Ah Lee herself preferred to hunt at night , under the cover of darkness , but the aunts did not even think you should laugh loudly before going to bed , or it would give you nightmares . Hunting was considered far too stimulating an activity to engage in so close to bedtime . They preferred to hunt in the afternoon , when the household chores were done and the humans were dozy . It was strange that they had all gone out at the same time . Even on the rare occasion that the aunts went out hunting in a body , one of them usually stayed at home - often Tua Kim , because Tua Kim disliked the mess and exertion of hunting . Somebody had to make sure Ah Lee had fed herself and did her homework . Somebody had to look after her . Most of the time Ah Lee was a girl . Her body and her mind were more used to it . Being in vampire mode made her uncomfortable . She avoided it as much as she could . Her whole self relaxed . Her body became a weapon : smells grew sharp , her vision cleared . Ordinary thoughts were big vague clouds , too complicated and light to bother about , and through the clouds thrust the one vital thing , red and pulsing like a fresh bruise - hunger . Hovering above Lubuk Udang , she became invisible . The dying sunlight shone through her bones . The scents of the town floated up to her : a woman 's jasmine - scented hair , the stink of the underarms of a tired hawker stallholder , the smell of someone 's earwax . Anything else , anything not human , smelt pale in comparison , like water , but she could distinguish those scents if she concentrated hard enough , pulling them up from beneath the textured smells of humans . The aunts would smell of nothing . But she knew Ridzual 's scent . She sorted through the scents coming to her on the wind ; his wasn 't there . It might be too late already . How long had it been since they 'd left ? And once Ridzual was meat she wouldn 't be able to find him - he wouldn 't smell of himself anymore . He would just smell of food . The sky was going grey and the sunlight was fading when Ridzual left school . His dad would be busy getting dinner ready and his mom was outstation , so he 'd told his dad he would cycle home . It would take half an hour , but the air was soft and humid in the evening , cool enough to cycle . He hated koku , but he 'd stayed for the extra few hours of marching in his Scouts uniform , sweating under the blistering sun in a desperate attempt to fit in . It was probably worth it . If he didn 't go , he would probably fit in even less , whereas at least now people knew who he was . Last week one guy had even thwacked him on the back in a friendly way , yelling , " Oi ! What 's up , Mohsein ? " But Ridzual had never been the kind of guy who attracted that response from his fellow guys , and he was OK with that . He flew under the radar enough that he 'd never been bullied . People let him do his own thing , and that was all he wanted . He hadn 't even really noticed not having friends . In KL he 'd hung out with his cousins , who were used to him being the weird one and didn 't hold it against him , and here in Lubuk Udang there was Ah Lee . His brain had successfully been avoiding the subject of her for all of ten minutes , but now it slid back down the old path . He kept forgetting and thinking of her as his friend , as the girl he 'd fallen in love with . And if you thought of her as a human being , it was horrific what he had done to her . He had been a prize asshole , an unmitigated jerk . But before he could begin beating himself up for messing up the best thing that had ever happened to him , he 'd remember that face she 'd turned to him . And that made him not know how to feel again . That face had not been human . Kindness wasn 't a thing that lived in the same world as that face . He had to stop thinking about this . There was nothing he could do about it . Maybe she wasn 't a vampire . Maybe she was deluded and he 'd been hallucinating . Or maybe she was a vampire , but she wouldn 't kill and eat him as long as he left her alone . She knew he wouldn 't tell anyone . Who could he tell ? Who believed in vampires anyway ? " Stupid , " said Ridzual aloud . The word wasn 't ' vampire ' . ' Vampire ' wasn 't scary enough to describe the thing he 'd seen . It was like calling a toyol a pixie . The problem with Ridzual was that he was a city boy . He 'd grown up watching Japanese superhero TV shows and reading Archie comics . He hadn 't really known his grandparents - they 'd died when he was too little to hold conversations , much less be told scary stories . He didn 't recognise the scent that sprang out of the evening then , though he registered it as something floral . It reminded him of Ah Lee : it smelled of her . It was funny that it had never occurred to him that Ah Lee might use perfume . He 'd cycled on a little further when he heard the baby crying . A long wail , followed by a piteous sob - sob - sob that pierced the heart . It was startling how close it was - practically next to his ear . He braked by the side of the road and got off his bike . It was an odd place for a baby to be . He was standing on the edge of a car park . Across the road was a row of shoplots , their signs still lit up , but the entrances were a line of closed grey faces . The car park was an expanse of orange earth , dusty and crumbling and covered with weeds . It was fenced with rusting wire , and shrubs ran along its periphery . There weren 't many cars parked there , and the booth at the entrance was dark . He 'd read about baby - dumping in the newspapers . But you never thought you 'd encounter such things yourself . And not in such a place as this , surely - a nice small town ? This wasn 't KL . Who would dump a baby ? said a voice in Ridzual 's head . Someone young , who wasn 't supposed to be doing anything that would lead to a baby in the first place . Someone scared . The baby would be somewhere in there , probably . But he couldn 't seem to work out where . The farther he walked in what he thought was the direction of the sound , the softer the baby 's cries got . It was getting darker . The world was a pale purply - blue , and the moon showed clear in the sky . The car park was full of dark shapes - empty cars , rustling bushes . The cicadas were screaming their heads off , and the baby was getting so soft he could hardly hear it through the insects - but it was still crying , a long drawn - out wail , trailing off in a hopeless series of hiccups . He found something behind the next bush . It wasn 't a baby , though . It was an old lady , lying crumpled on the ground in a pathetic heap of batik and grey hair . " Shit , " said Ridzual without thinking . He bent down and reached out to touch the lady 's shoulder : " Sorry , mak cik . Are you OK ? " The face the mak cik turned to him was a normal mak cik face . She was a Chinese lady with fluffy white hair and a mole on her left cheek . She looked like any other auntie you might see at the pasar basah . Her teeth were perfectly ordinary . She was dead . Teeth ! Of course there was nothing wrong with the teeth . Teeth was vampires . Pontianak didn 't pierce the neck with fangs . They didn 't drink your blood . The mak cik held her hands out to Ridzual , as if she was going to hug him , pet his hair . Her hands were small and delicate . The fingernails were long , curving and yellow - and blunt . The others came out of the bushes one by one . They were all little old ladies - little old Chinese ladies in those Chinese old lady clothes that looked like pajamas . All with long , blunt fingernails . All dead . His chest was a great flame of pain . He banged his hand against the side - mirror of a car and knew it would hurt later ( if there was a later ) , but it felt like nothing now . He couldn 't hear the baby anymore . A weight hit him in the back and he went down , sobbing . The fingernails dug into his side . Cold musty breath gusted on his ear . He was going to die . He was sorry for everything . The fingernails cut into his skin , raising welts , and he opened his mouth to scream . The next minute his mouth was full of earth and pebbles . Something had hit the creature on his back a full - body blow , the impact driving Ridzual 's face into the ground . The pontianak rolled off his back , ripping his T - shirt in the process . They must be fighting over him . There wasn 't enough of him to go around , even if they were small . Old ladies didn 't usually have much of an appetite , but pontianak were probably different . He had a second while they were distracted , but no more . He struggled to his feet , willing his limbs to move . The pontianak crowded around . Weirdly , they had lost all their eldritch horror : they looked like ordinary mak cik now . They were definitely talking like aunties , in indignant high - pitched Hokkien . Ridzual had one last chance . He didn 't understand everything that had just happened - in fact , it would be more accurate to say that he didn 't understand anything that had just happened . But she 'd saved his life , and not , it appeared , because she wanted to eat him herself . They couldn 't go to a kopitiam or mamak restaurant in their school uniforms , so they went to a nearby park . It was early , cool enough to walk . They didn 't talk much on the way . There were a couple of people in the park - an uncle and an auntie , walking in circles with serious intent looks on their faces . But the kids ' playground was empty and they settled down on the swings there . Ridzual broke the silence first . Dealing with the aunts had actually been less difficult than she had expected . They had told her off for not staying home and doing her homework , but it was a half - hearted telling off . The aunts knew they had forfeited the moral high ground by trying to eat her classmate . Ah Lee had listened without saying a word to their unconvinced lectures as they flew home . She felt guilty about it in the morning - she had said too much . The aunts had already known that they 'd overstepped the line , broken the rules by which they operated . The aunts seemed to feel equally ashamed , tiptoeing around her at breakfast . " Did you have to fight , or - I don 't know - something , " said Ridzual . Ah Lee could tell that he was already feeling foolish about having asked . " I mean - never mind . " " Not really people , " said Ah Lee . " Only their , you know , their usus all that . Their entrails . " She tapped her belly . " We don 't like all the other part . " " We don 't eat women , " said Ah Lee . " And we don 't eat people we know . That 's all . I don 't pick and choose , depending if I like your face or I don 't like your face so much . " " No ! " said Ah Lee . " It 's like I 'm the animal now . After I die I kind of became an animal . When I 'm hungry , when I eat , there 's no feeling . Afterwards maybe some feeling , I feel a bit bad . But that 's why we don 't simply just eat people . We process them first . My aunties like to make pepper soup . You know too thor t ' ng ? Pig stomach soup ? Like that , but not with pig stomach . " " One is my grandma and one is my great - grandma , " said Ah Lee . " The others are my aunties . But don 't you think it 's a bit weird if there 's so many vampire in a small town like this and they don 't know each other ? " " Anyway , don 't worry about my aunties . They won 't eat you , " said Ah Lee . " I told them already . And I won 't eat you . Never never . " " Thank you , " said Ah Lee . Now the next thing . " You don 't have to be friend with me anymore . I won 't be offended . I 'll understand . " " It was kind of worth it . " Ah Lee kept her eyes on the ground . She would be too shy to say it if she looked at Ridzual . " Ever since I became like this , I didn 't really have friends . It was a bit lonely . So it was nice having you . " Ah Lee had expected this answer , but she was still taken aback by how much it hurt to hear it . She had been sad about him enough , she told herself sternly . All the aunts had said that . Ridzual touched her hand . Ah Lee clenched it into a fist so he couldn 't take it , but then he tried to pry her fingers apart one by one . Of course it didn 't work . Ah Lee started giggling . " Ah , I give up , " said Ridzual , exasperated . " I 'm a moron to try to fight a pontianak . But look , ' I don 't want to be your friend ' doesn 't mean ' I don 't want to hang out with you ' . There can be another meaning . " Ridzual was looking at her with a kind of glow in his eyes . It was the way her mother and father used to look at her , back when she was alive , before all the bad things had happened - as if she was something special . Something precious . Ah Lee 's ex - boyfriend had never looked at her like that . Ridzual turned his face away , but he was too slow . Ah Lee already knew he was beaming . She reached out and took his hand , encountering less trouble than he had done . " Oh , there 's something else on top of the vampire mak cik and the human pig stomach soup ? " said Ridzual . " What more is there ? I have to fight a werewolf first before I can date you , is it ? " " No lah , there 's no such thing as werewolf , " said Ah Lee . " It 's a small thing only . But - ' vampire ' is OK . The other word , please don 't use . Is that OK ? " Sitting there with him in the park , Ah Lee told him . She had not told anyone else the story before . He didn 't let go of her hand . By the time her parents had suspected , it hadn 't been too late . That was the thing . The worst thing - worse than being dumped by the boy who 'd given her the baby , though that had felt terrible when it 'd happened . But it was nowhere near as bad as her parents ' carefully expressionless faces , as they had gone from day to day pretending nothing was happening . The day she fainted because she 'd thrown up all her breakfast and had hidden in her room and refused to eat - they hadn 't said anything . When she choked on her food because things tasted different now she was pregnant , they didn 't say anything . She stopped going to school . Her parents stopped talking to her . Her world contracted . And still she was sorry that the secret had to come out - the baby had to come out - and they would lose face . She wished she could be dying in some less embarrassing way . She could have drowned in a monsoon drain . She could have been run over by a car . After a while it stopped . Somebody took her parents away . Ah Lee regretted her silent fury . She missed them . Somebody was doing something pointless down there . She was bleeding . When she died someone was holding her hand . Not a mother or a father , with their enormous burden of expectation . Someone calmer , their hands softer , wrinklier - skinned . At the very last moment Ah Lee opened her eyes and saw her grandmother , waiting for her . Her hair whipped against her face , smelling of the mulch in a graveyard . Her nails were long and yellow . Her body was free . She got up on the bed and nothing hurt . She had lost all sense of the disgusting . She had bled so much that she would never flinch from blood again . She was made for tearing out kidneys , feasting on livers , pulling out strings of intestines . It would never again be her own blood that was spilt , her insides that were pulled inside out . She flew down the corridors of the hospital and there was no pain , or everything was pain , but it spun outwards , knocking people over , ripping heads off . Blood sprayed on the walls . People were screaming . " Enough ! Stop now ! " The voice was as familiar to her as her mother 's . She would have killed anyone else , but the voice brought her down . " No need to cry , " said Ah Ma . " No need for all this . Come , we are going somewhere else . Then you can lie down , rest first . You 'll feel nicer after that . " " Where are we going ? " said Ah Lee . Her voice came out in a hoarse whisper , scraping her throat . It was sore from the screaming . " Where 's Mummy and Daddy ? " " The baby 's gone , " said Ah Chor . It was the first time they met . " Don 't worry . We 'll look after you now . " " The baby , " she said . " The father . I didn 't purposely - at the start , I wasn 't thinking about all that . I just liked him . We were dating , and it just happened . When I found out I was pregnant , I didn 't know what to do . I was scared to tell anybody . And then , Mummy and Daddy - " " Can you tell them ? " she said . " Tell them it was an accident . I didn 't purposely - I just didn 't think . I didn 't think this would happen . Tell them I 'm sorry . " " Ah Ma already said there 's no need to cry , " said Ah Ma . " It 's not your fault . Your Mummy and Daddy should have looked after you . Ah Ma tried to teach your Mummy to bring up her children right , but there 's no need to be so strict . You are her daughter , whether you are good or naughty . Ah Ma should have explained . " When they had reached the stairwell at the end of the corridor , Ah Lee was already half - asleep . When they smashed through the glass and jumped out the window , seven floors up , she was sleeping . She didn 't feel the night wind on her skin , or see the starlight on the aunts ' faces . When she woke up she was a new person . She was dead , but she wasn 't alone . There was nothing to be scared of in this new life . With six aunts behind you , you can be anything . and delivered to you in 0 . 504 seconds using 27 queries . Theme : Connections Reloaded v2 . 1 by Ajay D ' Souza . Derived from Connections . Original graphics by Nicole Thayer . |
Things I have learnt today : If I am sleeping badly due to the heat , I tend to sleep shorter , but have much more intense dreams . Dreams that half - rooted in reality , and taken strongly from the day 's events . Last night 's dream was one of those . I slept like a baby , awakening every few hours from the heat . The dream I had was … busy . And fairly lucid , I think . I dreamt I was at an Angela Aki concerto or small fan event somewhere in UM , I think . Or maybe UPM . Definitely one of the unis . She played half on the piano , half on my tablet . I don 't know how , but apparently I had offered my tablet for her to play , and it was beautiful . So she played , and I think she was running through the entire list of her latest album , and I " fell asleep " halfway . By fell asleep I mean I woke up in real life and had a drink and chatted with some people at 2am in the morning . Then I went back to sleep . And I dreamt she was still playing , finishing the last of her songs . Then she tried to test the tablet 's responsiveness by flicking her finger quickly through the last few notes , which my Tabitha kept up with . It was wonderful . I remember her thanks , then clutching my tablet to my chest and hurrying to my seat , a silly grin on my face . Dimmie was with me and then we were supposed to leave . I was embarrassed enough to say yes , so we left with everyone else . Then when we were outside , I realised I forgot to get her autograph . As we were outside , I suddenly realised that we were supposed to pick up an agent , and so Dimmie was suddenly Expediter from the ENL Faction . We drove like mad in UM / UPM , and he was telling me stuff about the agents and how he was racing DJinn and Mikael to get this other agent . And my scanner had an app that showed the bets people placed on these three to see who could pick up this out of town agent first . We reached a part of the uni campus where there was this multi - cultural event happening . There was no where to park , but Expediter assured me it was right to leave my car where it was and he got out to look for said agent . I took my car and drove further in , hoping there was an exit , since there were other cars that had gone ahead on the same route . As I did , I passed my sisters Silvy and Shannon in full costume , who were there for the multi - cultural event . They waved at me but did not ask why I was there . So I went down this road , reversed at a dead end and then was finally told to park my car in this one corner . As I got down , a familiar - seeming old man told me to wait there because the married couple was coming ( I had parked inside a hall that was going to be used for a wedding ) and then there was something about my parents coming over too , because the married couple was close to us . Then there was this family of three that barged into the hall from the back door , talking about bullying the couple , but especially the younger of the pair , simply to show they could . They were chased out by the old man and me , who basically shouted more obscenities than they did and shaming them for their bullying actions . THEN the couple came in , and I remembered being completely HAPPY at their wedding , and completely unaffected by the fact it was two men getting married . I think it was a moment of " I couldn 't be more happier for them if I tried . " Then I woke up from the heat . - _ - " With Angela Aki 's Aieuo ringing in my ears . Original entry as appearing at Ink to Screen . It 's confirmed , heat makes me get weird dreams . That and slight dehydration . This was one of those dreams that began with me not being myself . There had been a story for the past few years , a sort of myth that had been going around . Women and girls who were alone on the train or anywhere were abducted and simply disappeared . In their place , there would be a small Barbie doll , which looked a little bit like them . So a young , working woman who was going home late one night was attacked . She fought back hard , not giving much ground until her assailant managed to drag her into a railway car , and then she was beateN into submission , I think . In her place they left a small brunette Barbie . The scene cuts away into a cabin , where the " son " has taken the girl as his own . In the room there 's a pasty - white , pale like anything young teenager . She cowers in fear as the " father " looms over her , and then picks her up and puts her on the bed . The teenager 's eyes turns glassy as he does that . The father plays with his knife around the girl 's throat , and the camera looks towards the " son " and his new plaything . The woman looks fearfully towards the bed , but the son uses the flat end of his knife to turn her face away from what is happening on the bed . He doesn 't want to watch it either . The teenager is killed , and unceremoniously dumped . For a year , the woman is kept in slavery around the house . She has become the " wife " of the son . No escape attempts were made by her , at least not in the beginning , because she wanted to know how to get to a city first before she made the attempt . The perspective changes to my own when a homely - looking woman comes up when the men are away one day . She insists that I follow her in the car . I knew I had to obey her or risk punishment , so I did . She drove the pickup to a restaurant area , and gave me RM5 , asking me to run away . They would kill her , maybe , but she wanted to ensure I had a chance to escape . I knew we were in the city area , and I immediately begged a guy to lend me his phone to call my dad . He looked at me weirdly and I did , but his phone was not working . As I was about to walk down to the payphone , theTags : So , am not stranger to having weird dreams . Been having them the past few weeks . On and off I 'd get some random , lucid dream just before I 'm due to wake up . Some of them were dreams caused by the alarm ; my phone starts beeping very gently before my actual wake up time . Others I have no idea . And most of the time , when I wake up , it 's with the feeling that yes , I had a lucid dream , but the details all escape me . Today 's was slightly different . Basically entire family went on a vacation ( including my extended family on my dad 's side ) and after trying various activities we all got on that trip for a one - day overnight trip in an old pirate barge . You know those ships we use to think as belonging to pirates ? Yup , those kinds . Well , one thing led to another and the next thing we know , we were sailing . And so we did . Each stop we made had a different mission to accomplish . The one we were having when I woke up required a female relative ( the woman is actually a random person , she just happened to be in my " family " at the time , and no , I have no idea who she was ) to seduce the giant to tell us where his base was . The giant , meanwhile , was being pursued by this man who was the creator of all the things . He wanted to undo his creations , but they were smart enough to go into hiding , so he used us instead . He could take many forms and shapes ; at one point he was an ex - employer . So the woman and the giant decided to turn the tables on the guy . After a " talk " the giant went away . And we on the ship went looking for food . As me and my cousins were making our way back after loading our small ship with food ( lots of bananas , watermelons and random fruits , I think ) , the creator guy appeared . And he was quite displeased with our progress . We all rushed back to the ship and tried to cast off ( we were beached , apparently , for a quick while ) and the creator guy apparently waited behind us to do so . There were two boats at this point ; the main , sailing wooden barge and a hollowed out ceramic boat that looks more like Tags : I was back in Japan . Only this time I was completely alone . It wasn 't so bad . I didn 't feel lost or in danger or anything . I wanted to move from one place to another . It started from my hostel . I ended up near Kyoto Station . As I was near Kyoto Station it occurred to me that I should have bought the daily bus pass , cause I knew I was going to be using it . Then I decided that since the place I wanted to visit was so close , I might as well just walk . Then I got somewhat lost . Walked past these two shops that looked like a typical , open air Malaysian mechanic place , complete with oil running down from the floor into the drains . The girl in one of the shops set fire to an old car . The shop next to them did the same thing . It was some kind of friendly competition . After that I decided to retrace my steps to Kyoto station . The main reason being I wanted to get a Kyoto tourist map like the one I had when I visited Japan with the girls . While I was walking , I remember thinking to myself that if I was dreaming and I was not in Japan , it would have been one cruel dream , cause everything felt so real . Including waiting for that special someone to come and join me . I dreamt that he was supposed to come later . Then I woke up . Original entry as appearing at Ink to Screen . That was one weird dream . First time I 've ever identified as a male instead of a female . Dreamt I was serving an emperor . As in a samurai emperor . While on duty one day , in a large , crowded courtyard , a man came in . I recognised him as someone who stood higher than me in the courts opinion . Heck , even in my own he stood higher than me . He brought some news . Then all the guys in the place released their doves and proceeded to masturbate to " call the God " . I remember thinking that I had to get away , to warn the emperor of this man . And that I was thinking of a movie where the samurai had been an eunuch . Thus I was disqualified from serving the God . So I left the place . Reached the Kyoto palace . Saw two dogs . One was a large guy who wanted to follow me , the other was a tiny thing owned by some people walking near the palace . I woke up before I could knock on the palace door . Original entry as appearing at Ink to Screen . From the moment the dream began I knew it was a dream . Knew that this was not reality . It 's been a long time since I had a dream like that . Didn 't stop the dream from taking on an unreal quality . So I dreamt that my mother had been killed . A long time ago . As the middle child of the mafia , I was not allowed to do anything about it . Daughter of the boss and all that . So I ran away . Lived on the streets for a few weeks before I rejoined my " father 's " army . My sister was there . She had run away just before the recruitment happened . They were picking up schoolkids and training them to be killers . My sister and I both wanted to know what happened to our mther , so we joined the army . For some reason , the men and women who had worked closely with our father and watched us grow up didn 't recognise us . When they brought a man out , my sister shook so badly she had to lie on the floor . The man had killed one of her friends in front of her eyes just because . The guards made me snap my sister out of it , and I did . Training was alright , except my sister and I had trouble getting to the table where my father kept all the papers regarding mother . We kept pretending that we were going to that place to read the books . Which the Matron allowed , but she did not of course like the fact we were snooping there . Then I switched perspectives , and was introduced to their brother . He too was in training , but he was training to kill cops . Or something like that . Things came to a head when he and his three trainee friends were going to get this safe table from a shopping complex . As they were retrieving it , they were stopped by a policeman and his daughter . The pair took the table , but they were then stopped by another cop , who tried to arrest the first pair for masquerading as cops . Apparently they were under suspension . So there was a minor scuffle and the brother got ink in his hair . It was also the first time I punched someone in my dream . The punch felt unreal . It was like I threw my fist at the man 's cheek , barely connectTags : Mom had permafrost . It was a very weird dream . I dreamy that I had gone back to school , then was caught in this mini love triangle with this boy who insisted on being a " bad boy " kinda stereotype , but he was actually a nice kid . Just very misguided . There was another girl who was interested in him , but she never spoke up . She was the pious , sweet kind of girl . We got sent to this school in the middle of nowhere . To come back we had to take a bus . I remember at first trying to get to this school much earlier in the dream . That time I was driving . Somehow , I decided to just drive without knowing where I was actually going ; turns out I ended up in God alone knows where . I called the uke for directions , and he told me that I was supposed to take the turning off Bangi before I headed there . Whoops ! I had ended up going so far off course , I had to make a massive u - turn to come back . So after being caught for being late , I was sent to this school ( somehow I had become 13 - 17 years old again ) . Then on the way back ( the school ended at 9pm wtf ) I got a call from dad . Mom had permafrost / permarot or something like that . / It was a death sentence because it spread very fast and would kill her . It also had the effect of turning your limbs black . I remember wondering how mom got it , but didn 't think to ask . Instead I focused on helping her get through it . This was when my dream became officially fandom . There were Ben 10 references all the way , then I dream that I was Ben 10 who was trying to save my mom . There were bits of cartoon and bits of reality . This was an odd dream . Although Ben had the Omnitrix , he couldn 't transform himself ; it was the person he touched who would assume the identity of that creature . One transformation was turning Grandpa Tennyson into a huge monster . Which was quite o _ O to say the least . In the last part of my dream , it turns out that Ben had contracted the same disease , and so he and the Omnitrix were trying to find a cure ( the Omnitrix acted like a talking sidekick here ) . The Omnitrix firstTags : Fragments of a dream again . Child models who are assassins . Looking after dogs because we couldn 't bear to see them suffer otherwise . An old huose . It had started out as a gathering point for the family I think , Then these child models came . I can 't remember whether one of the family members had brought them because they were supposed to take these models to a show or smoething , but I remember the kids were pretty depressed . They didn 't really want to be models , but they had no parents . Some loved the modelling life , some didn 't . All of them were assassins for this corporation though . And then word came out that we had to leave . That we had been preparing for an act of civil disobedience . There was this corporation that owned the girls ; we were trying to bring it down . While getting ready to leave the house , there were shennenigans . Toilets being full . Random bikers appearing . Dad being sad about chasing a dog away cause it reminded him about Auntie Nora . Weird dream . Original entry as appearing at Ink to Screen . Woke up from an unusually vivid dream . Dreamt that I had been going out for dinner with family , when a guy asked me out for drinks . I know this guy casually , but not more than that . Somehow I poofed from having dinner with my family to sitting in this guy 's car , driving at breakneck speed to a shopping complex so he could sign a deal . Thing is , I knew I had to get back for dinner , and I knew my mom would most likely be eating dinner with my bro . I wasn 't sure whether I should have dinner with this guy or with my family , but as it was Sunday , I didn 't want to stay out too long . He noticed my discomfort and promised that we would be there for only a short while . I gripped the folder in my hands hard , knowing it would be extremely difficult to get home on time from the shopping complex we were headed to . As we talked in the car , I got the sense that he was trying to woo me , and at the back of my mind , I missed my uke . Or so I thought . We parked somewhere in an open air space with the blessings of the guard and then sat down at a table where I saw a few familiar faces , including my uncle and his daughter , though they were both there separately and with different roles . After a while , without me saying anything , the guy got up and apologised , saying that he needed to send me back . I was relieved , as it meant I could dispense with the charade . As we walked back to the car , we suddenly realised that the open air space had been turned into an al - fresco dining area . People were lounging on the couch and laughing . We walked a bit to confirm that we had the right place , then we went looking for the guards . As we walked , we stopped by this fair that was selling Italian food . I needed an excuse to have suddenly left my parents , apparently . He showed me a bottle of pine nuts in oil , which made me say " I hate you for showing me this " because he had discovered one of my weak spots . Then we went back to the guards , who apparently made it out that it had been his fault for not being around when they had moved the cars . IOriginal entry as appearing at Ink to Screen . They were people I cared about deeply . They had gone to report to the police something that they had seen . Instead of investigating , the police threw the both of them into the lockup . It was a harrowing time . I was still working at my old workplace and I was distraught . Turns out that they had been given bad advice or something . You see , they had lodged that report after they consulted an acquaintance of mine . In real life , this acquaintance is someone I don 't like very much . In this dream , it was after they had spoken to him that they had been arrested . When I saw him next I was screaming at him in the coffee shop . One of the reasons why I hated this guy was that he affected a careless and blameless attitude when it was something he caused but did not want to take responsibility for . I was with another companion . We were climbing up a steep hill . There was something about Sound Horizon , but I remember that hill . It was a normal hill till you reached near the top . Then the stone stairs became cushions , and one could sit on it if one wanted . It was comfy , except for the insects and the birds . Small birds were stuck onto the moss . I tried to free some of them , but they freed themselves and soon were flying . There were also other small creatures , but they were in black and gold , looking as though they were made of plasticine . Somehow I knew they were . as I watched , one struggled to get something out of its body . I would have helped to pull the metal piece apart from him but I hesitated , for I did not know what its original shape looked like . We stood on the top of that strange hill . Behind us , were a pair of doors . I knew we had to enter those doors . I woke up , but my dream had not ended . I dreamt that the door opened , and something pulled the two girls in . They had to escape , and thanks to their many layers of petticoat dressing , they were able to slip out of their plasticine - ish monster . They had to continue down a corridor to escape though . As for me , it took a long while after that dream to calculate how long the police could hold that one dear to me for . Then I realised he was ok , and I began to write on the comp about this vivid dream . Original entry as appearing at Ink to Screen . Was out walking around on a weekend . Spent a lot of time hanging out by myself . Then I went to catch a Suju concert . The concert had just four words but I can 't remember the name at all . Before I went to the concert I happened to meet some friends at a bakery . The bakery was outside in this 3 storey building . Climbing up to it was no easy task , but there was a stairway that made it easier . I romised the friends I met there that I would meet with them for dinner . Then I went to the concert . After showing my ticket , I sat down in this examination - type room , where we could see Suju . There was a wooden table in front of me , so I put my laptop bag down and began writing in a notebook . I was writing about the concert when this security guy came up to me and said that he needed to search my bag . I protested weakly but he did it anyway and took away my laptop , promising that I could take my lappie back once the concert was over . After the concert I immediately went out for dinner and forgot about the laptop . At the same time , I was also rushing cause I just " knew " that the bakery where I had met my friends earlier was going to be burnt down by sinster forces ( ? ) . So I went to meet up with my friends , who did not tell me about the bakery , even though I knew they were there when it happened . I excused myself midway through dinner instead to rush and get my laptop from the security . In the process I was reminding myself that the bakery was where they had the security station , so I would need to go through the mall to get to the bakery . I met two dear friends there ( Whose names and faces I can actually remember here ) and then went to the bakery . I remember having to climb up some places and had one spot where my hair actually brushed against the ground to get to the bakery . Then I woke up . Original entry as appearing at Ink to Screen . I only have slivers of this dream as I sat down to write it after I showered . PC was off due to thunder : - Baited and argued with someone about our next course of action . We were the keepers of this world , yet we were not sure what would be our next step . I remember baiting that person though , if for no other reason that I disliked her personally . Yes I know where this is leaking from in Real Life . - Deru was there ! We had to do a spell to go back in time / enter the world of Haukoki ( yes the short form name of that anime / game ) , and Deru was among those who were picked . She was among the group of 4 going in at the early stages , with me and the girl I fought going in at stage two . - Deru recording a voice over . Almost everyone went out visiting , leaving a few of us in the house . I decided to take a shower as I didn 't know when we get another one . As I came back , I overheard Deru recording / practising some of the dialogue they used in Haukoki . Dear body Hot , humid nights aren 't an excuse for weird dreams . Thanks for waking me up in the cool morning to switch off my comp before the thunder hit . Me . Earthquake happening . Running . Was in car when hit . Car had my emergency backpack . Took it and then we waited for the earthquake to stop . I was in the Philippines I think , . but the outside of the area looked like Kota Kemuning . The devastation was great . Buildings fell and people were dead . I opened the main office door after getting down from the car and was relieved to know most people inside were safe . Prayed over the bodies ; I think someone resurrected and we were all pretty meh about it . It seemed like it happened often . Went back to the car to retrieve supplies . As we returned , someone was outside singing Sejahtera Malaysia . Uke went to town to look for help . I missed his departure . At the end of her singing we made our way towards the hall of the building . Inside there was a mini concert happening with people dressed in rich clothing . Uke apparently came back to drop off a guy he had rescued and went off . Chased after him . No , Philippines is not known only for their concerts . Had a minor disagreement with someone . Then we agreed to go to the City to find the uke and to report our building . In the car , we were watching current movies . Urgh sleepy . . Original entry as appearing at Ink to Screen . Dreamt that I got lost on the last day of work . I somehow ended up in Kuala Selangor instead of my workplace . The town was relatively clean but was messy as they had just finished an event . The Chinese temple had been burning offerings to the dead I think . It must have been somewhere close to Chinese New Year or Qing Beng . The police were there and what I found unusual was the Malay police also involved in burning hell money . I remember thinking , " The souls of the dead , even the Muslim ones , must be suffering in the afterlife due to no offerings made for them . " Then I tried to leave the town to go to work . But this time I was quite tired and terrified for it was already 9am and I was going to be spectacularly late for work . No idea how I could have taken the wrong turning but when I tried to follow the instructions aka signboard to go back to work , I ended up making a huge circle in the town ( this is very normal in Malaysia , the signboards are a lie ! ) . I met up with my colleague who apparently lived there ; told him about the event and we agreed to go to work together cause he was also on his way . He had completely forgotten about the festival and thus did not take any photos to be used for our company . The funny thing is that he also seemed to be just as blur as I was in finding a way out of the town with me , and we had to ask a friend whom I haven 't seen since I left Sunday School how to leave . The city was by the seaside though , it 's been such a long time since I felt its breeze on my cheek . The houses were mainly wood ? Also , we weren 't using cars to get around ; I think they were segways . Nghrrhh . * rolls to work * Dreamt that I created a LJ RP comm for Jhameia as she requested . The name of the Comm was " asne " , which is an anagram of Sane . Then I appointed Rueki , Juufy and me as the admin / mods . Somewhere alone the line , after using the comm to test two or three posts , we turned that into the OOC comm and Juufy creadted a new comm with a similar name that would use asne as a OOC comm . The hilarious part ? I remember chasing Juufy to create that second comm . I don 't remember whether it was a closed or open comm . Also , in the middle of creating said comm , I dreamt that the reason why I asked Juufy to create the second comm was because I was on my may home from a trip . Along the way , I remember that I actually had to go into work for half - day and that I was supposed to go in at 2pm , not one . And it was not going to my new place . It was going to my old office . Hmm … Apparently too someone turned the side of the road not too far from my house into a mini restaurant . They sold a lot of keropok varieties . I think there were at least 3 - 4 different kinds . The unique part of this ? This is the second time that component has appeared in my dreams . Previously it was a chap fan stall . And no , that business near my house does not exist . Mreh . They were trying to attack us . We had been trained as a secret force , but not everyone was ready . I was not ready . So in trying to save others while showing off , I fell to the lowest level of the library . The darkness was unleashed , even if there were pockets of civilization that resisted this darkness . Didn 't take long for us to discover that was the truth . Unexpected friends formed the vanguard while I was to fight . I was called the Chosen One , for my accident had proven that perhaps I was the best option to stop those beasts . If by best option you mean a scared girl running around the city with a 6 foot scythe slaying people in a methodical manner . The library was always the lowest level of the infection . Our task was instead to ascend to the top of the infection . We were to defeat something … but I do not know what . Uke was comforting me even when he was fighting . Sis too . And now , back to sleep . Original entry as appearing at Reach Into Your Soul . A hotel in Negeri Sembilan ? A nice place with its own bellhop . And then there was that ceremony where the descendents of the Emperor of China came in and we had to protect her , how we could , from the machinations of the antagonist . All this was revealed during the cosplay event I joined . I had Silvy and someone else as my roommate . The only thing I remember about staying with them ? We were spray painting a prop gold . It was fun , though Silvy got bored of waiting for me and instead used her can to spray paint another can . I didn 't say it was coherent . Working backwards from the memory that 's the clearest to the haziest . Dreamt I had a child in the aftermath . The child was playing with the little girl I had been looking after when the earthquake happened . This child and the little girl who was was now 12 , ran up a pair of escalators . I watched them go with the little girl 's mom . When they reached the top , a pair of men appeared and stole my child . I ran after them , screaming , but they were away before I knew it . Somehow I knew this wasn 't the first time they had done so to me it was very similar to my other dream where they had forced me into a corner and was getting me to kill for them . And I had the feeling that they were coordinating the dreams I had with my other selves . It felt like they were transdimensional thieves . Before that , what happened was that I was on a bus filled with schoolkids . Some were as young as 7 , others were in their painful adolescence . We were trying to escape a catastrophe that was about to hit earth , and basically we were on teh road when the earthquake happened . Before the earthquake happened , I remember clearly we were helping kids put on their seat belts ; I was in the bus with a bunch of other teachers and the kids were told to put on their seatbelts . I spent quite a bit of time adjusting the seat belts of the little ones before having to threaten the older ones with theirs . Yes these were seat belts in a bus . Apparently the bus was made with this in mind . We got onto the bus because the planet we were on had gotten in between an inter - space dispute . Two other races were fighting over something and were about to take the planet we were on to the grave to prove a point . I dreamt that I was the only one who knew how to stop these guys because I knew how to operate the ancient machine they were going to use to to blow up the planet . A machine that had massive lava in the centre . As the kids ( I was in a school when negotiations failed ) were sent to the bus , I was battling to get to the top of the school where the machine was . BTags : |
I can 't seem to think about anything other than wondering where the hell he went . He has been gone since Saturday , and there has been no sign of him . I know that I should not think of him at all , but I can 't help it . I want to talk to him , but then again , I 'm afraid to be near him . The event on Saturday and it 's aftermath has taken over my mind . I find myself drifting in and out of reality and fantasy . I 'm fantasizing about what happened , and afraid that I will be exposed . I wonder if that is how Diana Adams felt when she started her affair . Did she feel guilty ? Did she fantasize about her lover while she felt the guilt ? These are questions that I would love to ask her , but the risk of my own exposure is too great . I wish that I could talk to someone about the turmoil in my head . About that fear of being found out - - it is paralyzing . I can see Roberta now , spreading the news like the Black Plague , making sure that everyone on the known Earth would know about my fall from grace . I remember how she cackled about Diana Adams ' affair with her young landscaper . It was an affair that , once exposed , ruined Diana 's marriage and sent her to divorce court . I never thought that I could fall in the same way , but I did . I want to get it out of my head , but I can 't . P noticed that my mind was somewhere else , as the pasta boiled over and made a mess . I was looking out the window , lost in my daydreams , and dinner was all over the floor ! He asked me what was wrong with me , and was more concerned about boiling puddles of water on the tiles . I didn 't have an answer . There is not enough time in the day to explain what is wrong with me . I should be preparing Derek for school on Wednesday - - buying school supplies and whatnot . I should be organized and ready , but my head is in the clouds . I can 't eat because I 'm nauseous . I can 't sleep because whenever I close my eyes , I see T 's face . I can 't function ! I 'm still trying to piece together what happened on Saturday morning . Why did I let him in , knowing what I knew ? It was such an incredible risk . I don 't know how it happened , although I do know why . My desire made me hungry . My need made me reckless , and overtook my better judgment . At that critical moment , I didn 't care who I was . I didn 't care who T was . The passion overtook us . I wanted T , and I did not think of the consequences until it was too late . I had been dancing too close to the cliff , and I finally fell off . Afterwards , when all the excitement was over , we regretted it . We knew that we were wrong , and I told him to leave , so that I could cry in peace . In the aftermath , he is gone . He said he would get away , and he did . At first I was glad that he left , but now I am wondering where he went . It is like he slipped off the face of the earth . There is no way to close Pandora 's Box , and no forgetting what happened , for either of us . I know that I can 't forget it . I can 't stop thinking about him , and what happened between us . I wish that I could . Every time I think about it , the guilt returns . What have I done ? I am so confused right now - - filled with anguish and remorse for what I have done - - feeling like I 've let down my family . On the other hand , I also feel a certain amount of loss . I know that I shouldn 't miss T , but I do . I am lost . P is taking Derek out early tomorrow , and returning in the late afternoon . That means that it will be a free day for mom ! I don 't have many of those , especially in the summer , so I am truly looking forward to it . I really don 't know what I 'm going to do . I really do want to relax , but first I was thinking of doing a little walk in the park after yoga in the morning . Maybe I 'll ride my bike . Then later , I 'll sit in the backyard with a glass of lemonade and read a book . It will be quiet enough to do that . One thing that I will definitely not do is house work . Tomorrow , I 'm going to be lazy , and think only of myself - - for once . No worries , no problems - - all relaxation . Can 't wait . I keep forgetting that he checks out that blog . You can say that I 'm embarrassed right now , because I admitted to the whole world that I tried to seduce my husband , and it failed . Now he knows too . Don 't I feel great ? I guess that T checked it out because I will not return his texts , or his tweets . I even sent Derek to deliver the Baked Ziti I made for him . It must be driving him crazy that I am ignoring him , and I know that he wants to talk to me about what happened , but I 'm not ready yet . I still don 't know what to say . I 've erased all of his text messages , but I think that I 'll keep the last one that he sent - - just to remind myself that I 'm not a failure . This was his last message : " I read your blog . Don 't you dare ever talk that way about yourself again ! " . I felt like crying , but then I had to laugh . I know how mad he must have been when he read the post . I could see him now . He was probably cursing after he read it , and while he was sending me the text . He was mad at P for rejecting me - - for sure - - but also mad at me for getting down on myself . He hates it when I do that , almost as much as when I wear that over - sized sunflower cover - up t - shirt by the pool . God , I want to talk to him . I miss my best friend . I went for a walk once the sun went down yesterday . I guess that I wanted to walk off some of the anxiety that I have been feeling lately , and get away from the brownies that have been calling my name . I was a good idea to get some exercise , because I have been downright lazy , gaining a pound since last week . It might not seem like a big deal , but I was one pound away from twenty . Now I am two . Damn those brownies ! Well , you can guess what happened next . Halfway down the road , T was calling out to me , telling me to slow down . He wanted to talk . I sped up . But , eventually , I stopped because he started to get dizzy trying to catch me . We sat down and talked . He asked me if I was avoiding him , and that was a stupid question because he knows damn well that I 've been avoiding him and why . He played down the incident , saying that it was nothing to be concerned about . It was just a kiss . . . that 's all . . . curiosity took over and lead to a minor mistake that he promised will never happen again . I wish that I could believe that . Should I be insulted , since it was no big deal to him , and I was so freaked out ? Maybe I am overreacting . Maybe I 'm letting my fantasies take over reality , and I 'm seeing things that are not there . I don 't know what to think . Anyway , things are back to normal . I have my friend back , and I am no longer running scared . I just wish that I could erase my memory of that kiss . Man , T 's had a lot of visitors lately . Mostly women . I don 't know where they all came from ! They must know that his mother has gone home , and the flood gates are open . His house has a revolving door . Everyone is checking in on the invalid , except me . I saw Roberta go over there with a covered dish . She probably poisoned him because she 's a terrible cook . Most likely , she bought something from the local Italian restaurant and put it into a casserole dish to make it look like she made it . She 's such a bitch . She spent an hour there , then left with a frustrated look on her face . I guess that she didn 't get to " Buy the Corvette " , which was probably her plan . If you are checking out my twitter update , you probably know what " buy the Corvette " means . It is code for " hook up with T " . I was going to use " enjoy a chocolate chip cookie " as a code , but we all know that I have done that before , and I will do it again . I would never buy a Corvette in real life , and I would not " buy this Corvette " , either . All joking aside , however attracted to T I happen to be , and however sexually frustrated I am , I would never cross that bridge . All of this fantasizing is just that - - fantasizing . I would never risk my family , or the friendship that I have with T . It would ruin everything . I mean , look how afraid I was about a stupid kiss ( although it is the best one I 've ever had ) ? I could never go through with it . I 've got too much to lose . I went to a wedding today with my family , but I wasn 't thinking about the happy couple . I was thinking about what happened before the wedding - - before we even left the neighborhood . I couldn 't think about anything else . I was dressed and ready to go to the wedding , but first I wanted to deliver something that I made for T , since I 've been determined to step up while he 's recovering from his accident . I knocked on the door , but there was no answer . So , I used the key from the usual spot and let myself in . I didn 't see him , and suddenly I thought that he might have " company " . I tried to be as quiet as possible as I tiptoed through the house like a mouse trying not to wake up the cat . I was going to put the lasagna in the fridge and get out of there . That was my plan , anyway . It didn 't quite work out that way . On the way back from the kitchen I ran into him , freshly showered and wearing not a stitch on him . I have to admit that I could not help but get a good look before I covered my eyes and he dove into the bedroom . BTW , he has a scar on his abdomen and all the rumors that I 've heard are true . When he returned , wearing a bathingsuit , he tried to break the ice by joking about how I 'm making him fat with all of the food . Seriously , the man does not have an inch of fat on his perfectly formed body . Anyway , I 'm not panicking about that . That happened innocently enough . It was what happened afterwards that is making me freak out . He complimented the way I looked in the new dress , and one thing led to another until we suddenly kissed . It wasn 't one of those neighborly kisses , or one that you would give to a family member . It was a hot , passionate kiss that practically blew my shoes off . I 've never experienced a kiss like that , and it wasn 't just a kiss . It may have been a prelude to something else if I had not slammed on the brakes . Then we both realized what we were doing , and split apart like we were burning . Well , we were . I was so panicked afterwards , that I didn 't stay long enough to listen to him apologize . I just got the hell out of there . Ran like a scared little rabbit running away from a wolf . A wolf that I 'm extremely attracted to , by the way , and I can 't seem to get out of my mind . Now , I 'm back from the wedding and wondering what I should do . I know one thing - - I definitely have to stay away from T . At least for a week to let this cool down . . . but I don 't want to . I made his favorite food . I put our son to bed early . I tried to get his attention , but was rejected . . . again . I don 't know how much more my ego can take . A half - hour ago , after he went to bed , I was literally crying in the bathtub and praying for guidance . Now , I 'm sitting bleary - eyed in front of the computer , and I 'm still miserable . I wish that I had a husband that did not take me for granted - - I really do . I desperately need support from him so that my mind does not start to wander . The problem is that I know exactly where to find the support I need , but it 's not an option . I wish it were that easy . Wishing that I would not fall ? He is practically pushing me off the cliff ! If he knew how close I was to jumping , would he even care ? I can 't stress how mad I am . He keeps rejecting me , and making me feel horrible about myself . I spent the past few days fretting about what happened with T , and how I need to avoid him to try to get my marriage back on track . But , I am not happy in this marriage and P doesn 't seem to care that I have been neglected . He does not notice me at all . I 'm just the lady who cleans the house , cooks the food and takes care of his child . Other than that , I 'm invisible . I 'm done making the first move , or any move . I 'm so sexually frustrated right now , I could gnaw open a can of tomatoes with my eye teeth . But , I won 't let my mind wander and jump into the fantasy land where my lover is incredibly hot , he worships the ground I walk on and we can 't keep our hands off each other ( with no consequences , mind you ) . Well , at least in my imagination , I can have a good time . That 's all I 've got right now . P is already parked in front of the television , and letting me clean up the kitchen by myself . He didn 't even tell me that he liked the food . His favorite food . He just ate , put his plate in the sink , and then walked into the living room to watch the Phillies . The damn Phillies ! I guess that I should be happy that he put his plate in the sink , but I would love to smash everything in it . I 'm determined to try , though . Take a stab at it . Open myself up for humiliation - - again . Try to avoid the craving for ice cream that I 've been having all day . I 'll be lean , and hungry , and irresistible to my indifferent husband . I hope . If this does not work , I don 't know what to do . I 'm standing at the edge of a cliff right now , and P needs to talk me back from the edge or I 'll fall off . I am a complete lunatic . I 'm out of my mind ! I should delete that last post . I am seeing things that are not there . I just don 't know the rules of this " just friends " thing . I 've never had a male friend before . I 'm just confusing " fondness " for " love " . T 's fond of me , and it goes both ways . He 's not in love with me , and I 'm not in love with him . I 'm sure about that . It was just my soap opera watching , romance novel inspired , extremely overactive imagination . , T says nice things about me , and knowing who he is and especially what he looks like , I 'm flabbergasted . I 'm overreacting ! He only sees me as the married next door neighbor that is his good friend , who sends over a tray of lasagna once in a while . That 's all . That 's all I am , and all that I should be . What am I getting so worried about ? Maybe I just miss seeing him since his mother is there and taking care of him while he 's laid up after the accident . I 'm out of the loop right now , and it 's driving me crazy . I just want to be useful , I guess , help a little bit ? That 's all . She 's leaving tonight , and I 'll check in if he doesn 't have any visitors . I 'll bring him something to eat . Things will be back to normal then . I 'm addicted to T . Maybe it 's because he 's so different than the other man in my life , who can be cold , distant and indifferent . T is so much more supportive , comforting , and enthusiastic about the person that I am . In a word , he is more loving , and I can 't get enough . Does T actually love me ? I don 't know . But if you take into account his actions , he does . T is always there when I need him . Right now , he is my best friend , before any other - - male or female . I feel like I 've known him forever . The problem is that I 'm having a problem with feelings for T that are getting out of hand . How did this happen ? I used to hate him . I used to catch T staring at me , and it would make me uncomfortable . It was the way that he looked at me . There were these long and probing stares from a man who didn 't want to miss a thing . No man ever looked at me like that ; not even my own husband . I tried to ignore the attention and not think about how he made me feel . But , he was slowly bringing me back to life , making me feel truly attractive for the first time in my life . Now I can 't stop thinking about him . I want to look at him , smell his skin , be in his presence . I enjoy his company . I want to be with him , but not in the biblical sense . I could just sit in the same room with him , and be content . We wouldn 't even have to talk . That 's what scares me the most . I am truly comfortable with him around . Does that mean that I 'm in love with him ? If it does , then I shouldn 't be , and it 's a problem . God help me . Today , I dropped off Derek at Chloe 's house and I visited T 's room . When I saw him , I was in shock . I 've never seen him like that . He is always so strong , almost a towering figure , and today he was just lying there , asleep - - almost helpless . I touched his head . I couldn 't help myself . Suddenly he opened those steel blue eyes and was awake . He saw my own teary eyes , smiled and laughed at my tears and the concerned look on my face . He tried to convince me that he was okay , but I hated seeing him like that , with cuts and bruises , looking like hell . Oh by the way , I finally met his " good friend " , Trudi . The one that actually liked the goatee that I told him looked ridiculous ( and he did shave it off , by the way ) . She sashayed into the room looking every bit the model that she is . Blonde , young and beautiful with everything in its proper place - - and nothing plastic like Roberta . She 's practically perfect , body - wise , and who can compete with that ? Although , she did seem a little light in the brain area ( does that sound petty ? ) . He introduced me as his neighbor next door , and she recognized my name . Then she turned her full attention to him , like I was not even there . Since they have , on occasion , been more than friends , I felt a little out of place , so I left . Oh God , T was in an accident , and I was frantic . I tried to hard to keep my cool about it as P gave me the news as if this was a man that we hardly knew . P ate dinner , read the paper , and cooly said " oh by the way , did you hear that Captain America was in an accident ? " I tried to keep my composure , but my heart was lodged in my throat . All I heard was head injury , and hospital stay . I wanted to break down and cry . I realized that I could have lost him just like that . P didn 't seem very concerned , like men get into motorcycle accidents every day . He did say , " Thank God it didn 't happen when Mark took Derek for a ride . " I agreed with him , of course , but decided not to remind him that Mark took me for a ride on that same day as well . Guess that he forgot that little tidbit of information . When I asked for more information on the accident , he became aggravated because he was in the middle of watching his precious Phillies game . He sighed and said " why don 't you ask him yourself ? " I expressed doubts about visiting T in the hospital , and said " What would people think ? " P laughed out loud as if it was the funniest thing he had ever heard . I guess he assumed that no one in the world would get the wrong idea . What makes him so sure of that ? Am I that unattractive in his eyes ? Sometimes I wonder why he married me in the first place . We hardly talk to each other , and when we do , it 's about Derek or work - - it 's never about us . As for sex , I might as well be a nun . No matter . I 'm getting my wish . I am going to see T at the hospital tomorrow , and with my husband 's blessing . Posted by I really should not drink . Really . My other blog told about my big night out with the girls , but it did not tell you everything . This is the rest of the story : I was having a good time with the girls , it 's true . But when I saw T walk in with his date , I could not keep my eyes off them . It took about an hour before the rest of the woman at my table noticed them , but I knew that he was there . Maybe I was jealous - - I don 't know . Then the conversation was all about T , the neighborhood 's " man whore " . They talked about his dates , and the current one at his table . Then Roberta regaled us with a rumor that she had heard about him , and we it was decided that it explained everything about why he was so popular . I 'm thinking on investing in a pair of binoculars , by the way . But , I know that I wouldn 't have the nerve to use them , Roberta is right about that . Fast forward about an hour . Roberta had teased me because I was drinking iced tea ( among other things - - she wouldn 't leave me alone ) , so I decided to prove to her that I could have fun . Those young guys at the bar sent over the pitcher of shots , and I tried one . Then I tried another . Then another . I remember feeling a little woozy as I rose to walk towards the bathroom . On the way back , I stopped at T 's table . He immediately knew that I was drunk , as I introduced myself to his pick of the night . I think that I actually said " So , you 're the latest pick of the night ? " Classy , right ? He has never seen me in that condition , so I think that he was in shock . I said some more things that I don 't remember , and his date was ruined - - I would like to hope that it wasn 't intentional . I didn 't like her - - I know that for a fact . She kept giving me dirty looks . He deserves so much better than her . From that point on , I do not remember much , but I do know that he drove me home , and walked me to the door so that I didn 't fall on my face . I remember thanking him and thinking that he was so damned handsome , and how I was so attracted to him . Then I somehow came to my senses . THANK GOD ! Fast forwardPosted by don 't even talk anymore . Well , we do , but it 's usually about work or Derek . Nothing about us . Right now , I don 't remember what I saw in him with a family . I was twenty - four , and he bought me flowers and gifts all the time , and I thought that he was romantic . I had no other prospects , and I overlooked my reservations . Maybe I 'm just frustrated about another seduction gone to hell . My other blog post , tells you about the day at the beach . Now I 'm going to tell you a little bit more about it . I just can 't go into that much detail there , because I 'm not sure who will read it . T told me that I was more beautiful than Roberta ( T is a friend of mine , and I will call him T on this blog ) . I laughed in his face because Roberta is , well how do I say it ? Well preserved ( by plastic or whatever ) , and looks very good for her age . She 's always flaunting around in her perfect body , blonde hair and tanned skin . But , he said that I was much better than her . This is coming from a man , who on occasion , has dated women half his age ( but not lately ) . He called me Peach again . Now , I have heard him call me that before , but I finally got him to tell me why , because I was mad at him for calling me that nickname . My anger stemmed from a conversation on the beach with my so - called friends about sex and fruit . Supposedly , peaches remind men of women 's butts . Never heard that before , but somehow I found this out without telling them that T calls me Peach . Anyway . . . In order to save his life , ( I wouldn 't put it past him to call me a nickname that was perverted ) , he finally explained why he calls me Peach . His explanation for the nickname was sweet , and not perverted at all . He told me that he calls me that because I blush when I 'm mad or embarrassed . The name also reminds him that I am a forbidden fruit ( ? ) . I was a little flabbergasted , because I didn 't think that he thought about me at all in any fashion . I 'm not really sure what he meant , but I think that he was flirting with me . Or maybe I 'm imagining things . That 's entirely possible , and it would not be the first time . However , he did make me feel good about myself , and for me , that doesn 't happen often . If P told me that I was " wasting away to nothing " , like T said today , I would have taken it as an insult ( it probably would have been an insult ) . T says it , and I 'm flattered . Funny thing . I used to hate him , but now he is my best friend . When did it start ? I guess that it was after my second miscarriage . P always wanted a big family , and was happy after Derek was born seven years ago . It was a happier time for all of us . Two miscarriages later , I feel defective and he has been more and more distant . Maybe he 's disappointed in me because I can 't deliver the goods . Maybe he has given up on me . He never was really affectionate . Oh , he was quick with the flowers now and then , but those public displays of affection were few and far in between , if any . Jealously , I watch my friends and their husbands show their love for each other . I would take one passionate kiss over 12 dozen roses any day . I guess this is the card that I have been dealt . I will keep trying to make this marriage work - - play my role as perfect wife and mother . Maybe one day , he will look across the table and see me as someone other than the " help " . I am a nearly desperate woman who needs the love and affection of a man who loves me . Today , I dropped off Derek at Chloe 's house and I visited T 's room . When I saw him , I was in shock . I 've never seen him like t . . . I guess that I can 't blame him for feeling this way . I know it . I see the frown that appears on his face whenever I walk into a ro . . . I am a liar and a cheat . There , I 've admitted it . Okay ? Thank you for reminding me . You got me . Thank you for your messages . Now , . . . Well , this came out of nowhere . On Saturday , I worked at the annual baseball signup and fundraiser . Every year , it is a fun indoor event . . . |
Posted on October 29 , 2012 by ithasntkilledmeyet Reply Last week was not a good one . I had a tooth break in half . We found out our very capable daughter was not turning in school work . Our checking account was overdrawn . Evil Bitch texted Husband . Well , why not ? Add it to the week . When Husband brought this to me , he was very upset . EB said it was just a reminder to keep paying extra to have her number blocked , because she 's still psychotic and bitter . Now , Husband and I are not very tech savvy , but we could not figure out how she texted him . Her number WAS blocked from his cell , so how did she do it ? And she seemed to somehow know she would get through to him from her cell ! How was this possible ? I decided to call AT & T and figure this out . The customer service rep for AT & T was wonderful ! We talked for about thirty minutes , and she explained it all to me . She told me that both Husband and EB have iPhones , and have imessaging turned on . From my understanding , when this happens , all texts are through the iOS , which goes into the data plan . This is completely separate from billed texts and calls . And if you block somebody 's number , you are only blocking the billed texts and calls . They can still text you if your imessaging is turned on . Moreover , whether it 's turned on or off , blocked or not , they can always send you photos . This explained so much to me . I saw that the last few months of their relationship , the texting dramatically decreased . Husband could never explain to me why they went from over 800 texts a month down to about 10 . I asked if they were using some type of online messaging , and he always told me no . In fact , there were times he told me he had texted her ( not something in his favor to lie about ) , that didn 't show up on our bill . Deep down , I still felt like I was being lied to . I knew things didn 't add up . Now they do . EB got a new iPhone for Christmas , which was the time that the texting stopped showing up on our bill . My guess is that she was turning off her imessaging to save on data , then turning it back on to keep certain texts from showing up on her bill and on ours . Evidently , sometimes she would forget to turn it back on , which is when the texts would show up on our bill . I 'm sure she realized that Husband didn 't know anything about all this , which is why she figured her text would go through to him last week . Of course , Husband immediately turned his imessaging off . He is thinking about just getting a new number , since we found out she 'll always be able to send him photos . He asked for my thoughts on this , because he wants me to be comfortable . I told him that will never happen . If I choose to stay with Husband , EB will always be a part of my life . She once e - mailed me that I can 't control her . That if she wants to contact my husband , all she has to do is call from another number , call him at work or show up there . This is all true . If she wants contact with him badly enough , she 'll find a way to make it happen . There 's nothing I can do to protect myself from her intrusion , so seeking comfort will only leave me disappointed . Posted on October 17 , 2012 by ithasntkilledmeyet 1 When my husband and I decided to stay together and work on our marriage after his emotional affair , I made some rules perfectly clear . He was to have no contact with Evil Bitch . He had to give up his personal e - mail account . He was to block EB 's number from his cell phone . He and I were to live with total transparency and honesty . We put in place a list of rules to affair - proof our marriage in the future . We were to support each other in every way , including emotions . Strangely enough , the last rule was the only one that Husband had a problem with . At first , Husband claimed to be 100 % on board . Whatever I needed , he wanted to give me . He became involved in my toxicity illness … wanting to come with me to doctor appointments , make me dinner that fit in my dietary restrictions and asking me daily how I was feeling . He was rubbing my back at night . He would leave me little notes before he left for work , just saying he loves me and hoping I have a good day . He was being wonderful , and I appreciated the effort . I hate to say I wanted more , because I knew he was really trying . Yet , more is exactly what I wanted . As well as we were getting along , it seemed artificial to me . Everything was pleasant , but it was on the surface . Inside , I felt like we had no emotional connection . I desperately missed my best friend . The man that I could talk to about anything and everything . He was guarded , and felt distant to me . Husband was never really one to share his emotions . I knew this from the get - go , and accepted that about him in the past . This time was different . While he may never have been an open book , there was a time when we couldn 't wait for the kids to go to bed . Those sweet couple of hours between them dozing off and our turn to do the same , we would snuggle in bed and talk . And talk . And talk . About our dreams , our hopes and our fears . Our past and our future . Jobs , kids , likes , dislikes , pets , friends , technology , art , etc . What we ate for lunch that day . What we would do if we won the lottery . Favorite movies , songs , colors , foods and holidays . We just enjoyed talking to one another . Suddenly , Husband had nothing to say to me that didn 't revolve around my illness , our kids or his job . If I would start asking him questions , he 'd rub his eyes and seem disinterested . It was like I was an annoying gnat that he couldn 't swat away from his face . I missed our connection , and was afraid it was gone forever . I tried talking to Husband about this many times . I begged him to open up to me . I suppose , because of everything that 's happened , he thought " talking " could only mean talking about the affair . I suppose he probably thought that I was just waiting for another opportunity to pour salt into that wound . I told him that not every talk has to be an emotional , two - hour cry - fest . That I just desperately wanted to feel he was interested in who I am again . That we needed to learn how to be best friends again . It seemed to fall on deaf ears . He told me he hoped I could learn to accept the person he is , and not need to change him . Then , I began to pull away , out of frustration and defeat . I told him that I was trying to learn to depend on him to meet my physical needs , and my friends to meet my emotional ones . He seemed just fine with that arrangement . For awhile . I don 't know how it happened . I don 't know what changed . After six months of me asking for my friend back , he started talking to me . One night , before going to my son 's football practice , he told me to think about two questions : If I woke up healthy and back to normal , what foods would I eat , and what my dream vacation would be . I was giddy just thinking about it ! That night , we laid in bed talking for a couple of hours . We laughed a lot . It was easy and perfect . I told him I appreciated the effort , and he told me there was no effort . That once we got started , it all fell right back into place . It was natural . Truth be told , I believe it was the guilt that kept him away for so long . He has been very hard on himself . I don 't think it was a conscious decision , to keep me at a distance . I think he was protecting me from being any more disappointed in him . I think he felt he didn 't deserve the best of me . I think it was about punishing himself , unfortunately also punishing me in the process . I asked him what changed , and he said he wasn 't sure . That he just had a " What am I doing ? " moment . Maybe he feared I would fall in love with someone else that would take an interest in me . Maybe he realized he missed our connection as well . Whatever prompted this change , I thank God for it ! Can I say that we are now best friends , and living as if Husband 's affair never happened ? Nope . Can I say I forgive him with all my heart ? Huh uh . But , I can say that I feel closer to him than I have in a long time . That we are enjoying each other 's company again . That we both have a lot of opinions that are worth hearing . That I 'm beginning to fall in love again … with my husband of 15 years . And most of all , that somehow , by the grace of God , this has been one hurdle I didn 't have to keep tripping over alone . Posted on October 5 , 2012 by ithasntkilledmeyet 2 Every married couple who tries to move past an infidelity has to deal with it : the dreaded anniversary . Our first wedding anniversary post Husband 's affair was our 15th . I had been looking forward to it . What a milestone ! What a testament to our love and commitment ! What a sham ! It was last June , only two months after all was exposed . I was still neck - deep in sorrow , but tried to put on a happy face . I went through the motions , while inside I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry until I was dry . We had taken the kids to the beach for a few days . The entire drive , all I could think of was the last time Husband drove that stretch of highway . He was interviewing for a job in another city , and had texted with Evil Bitch the whole time . Just thinking about it knotted my stomach . While at the beach , we had some nice family moments . Walking in the sand as the sun rose and set . Buying fresh seafood at the pier for a boil . Browsing through the local gift shops . Trying to be a solid family again , when inside we were so broken . Because we were traveling home on our actual anniversary , Husband and I decided to exchange gifts on our last night at the coast . There was a funny moment when we each unwrapped the same present . Both of us had put together a photo book of our marriage . We both even included the lyrics to the song we danced to at our wedding . Great minds … or sentimental ones anyhow . I also gave Husband a framed picture of me in my wedding dress - 15 years after he 'd last seen me in it . Although I saw a much older bride , he thought it was beautiful . He also gave me a diamond pendant . I 'd always wanted one . He tried to buy me one when we were dating , but he was a poor college student , and I wouldn 't let him . It was always our joke - someday I 'd get my diamond necklace . And I did . I cried like a baby . Sounds like a great anniversary , right ? As I said , I went through the motions , yet it all seemed like a lie . We were celebrating vows that Husband didn 't keep . " In sickness and in health … forsaking all others . " Fifteen incredible , beautiful years had been reduced to so little by his emotional affair . I felt like he tarnished my every precious memory of our time together . One of the hardest things for me , is that I truly believed in the institution of marriage . Especially ours . I meant every promise I made with all my heart , and I 've kept them all . It kills me that he didn 't . For now , I 've decided that I am done commemorating our wedding date . I need to separate our past from our future . This has been very difficult for Husband , and I do feel bad for that . He wants to focus on all that we 've shared . He 's holding onto it for dear life . I am running away from it as fast as I can . I have to , because it doesn 't make sense to me anymore . And if I can 't make sense of our past , what are we doing together today ? I need to let it go for my sanity and any hope of our survival . It 's hard , but he does understand it . I used to wear my wedding ring proudly every day . Now I can 't stand to look at it , so Husband bought me a small , gold band to take its place . It says exactly what it 's intended for : I 'm married . There are no promises or sentiment behind it at all . For my last birthday , I asked my parents for my wedding video to be put on a DVD . I hadn 't seen it in years , and when I did watch it , Husband sat in the next room ( texting her ? ) . Now , the disk is put away . It 's all put away . Everything pertaining to the day we were married . I just had to do it . Recently , we talked about possibly renewing our vows someday . This time , we thought it would be nice to go away for a few days , just Husband and me . Instead of making promises in front of a pastor , we decided it might be nice to write down exactly what the other person means to us and what our true intentions are . Just us , in secret . And while the rest of the world may acknowledge our old wedding date , we 'd celebrate the new date . The start of the next chapter in our lives . Shedding the old , and moving forward . And maybe I 'd enjoy my next 15th anniversary more . It 's a nice thought , but we 're not quite ready for that yet . When it happens , I want to be 100 % committed to our life together . I want total forgiveness and love in my heart . I hope to get there someday , instead of in this limbo I 'm in right now . I pray for it daily . Until then , no more wedding anniversaries for me ! Posted on October 4 , 2012 by ithasntkilledmeyet Reply Today is my two year floxiversary . What is that , you ask ? I understand , because it 's not a common term . It marks two years since I became sick . Let me explain … On October 4 , 2010 , I woke up with a UTI . I decided to run by the minor emergency clinic on my way to work . My urine looked terrible , so the doctor gave me an antibiotic called Levaquin and sent me on my way . I went to work , took the pill and started my day . Within an hour , the left side of my face was swelling . I was shaking , couldn 't breathe well , had a rapid heart rate , and laid on the bathroom floor feeling sick . I took a Benadryl , my boss drove me home , and I was sure the worst was behind me . I was wrong . The next few months were the scariest of my life . I was so nauseous every day that I couldn 't eat and lost 20 lbs . in a month . My legs didn 't want to work right - nothing in my body wanted to work right . The doctors couldn 't figure it out , as they searched for positive signs of cancers and autoimmune diseases . I kept explaining that I 'd been sick since an allergic response to Levaquin , but nobody ( including me ) really thought that could be the culprit . Wrong again . It took us six months to come to the realization that I was dealing with Levaquin Toxicity . My body treats it , and other fluoroquinolone antibiotics as poison . It affected every part of my body . Through the last two years , my symptoms have included : joint , tendon and muscle pain , muscle wasting , anxiety , bouts of insomnia and over - sleeping , memory loss , dizziness , skin rashes , phototoxicity , peripheral neuropathy , low blood pressure , bouts of constipation and diarrhea , chronic nausea , reflux , gastritis , eye problems , tinnitus , hair loss , broken teeth , etc . Many tests have shown cysts and lesions on my kidneys , liver , spleen , uterus , ovaries , lungs and brain . I had a hiatal hernia . I had hypothyroidism . It was like a bomb went off inside of me . So , where am I today ? On my way towards health . I have a very strict diet . I tire easily . My immune system is so low that I pick up every little bug going around . I still can 't go out dancing , but I get excited doing the little things I used to take for granted - laundry , grocery shopping or playing board games with my kids . I have some semblance of a normal life again , and it feels so good . I have come a very long way from that deathly ill woman who spent months on the bathroom floor . I 'm thrilled with my progress . I 've written a bit about Husband 's distance through the worst of my illness . I understand how difficult it must be to watch your spouse suffer , and not be able to do anything to help . I know he really suffered through his emotions , just as I did . Unfortunately , he chose to also begin a relationship with another woman . That , in turn , did just as much damage to me as the Levaquin . I had been doing much better before the affair came out . Afterwards , I slid back quite a bit . To this day , if somebody else brings up Evil Bitch to me , I shake uncontrollably ( damaged nervous system ) . The illness has left me very ill - equipped to deal with something so hurtful . Yet , I 'm managing somehow . It hasn 't killed me yet . Husband feels terrible about all of this . Not only does he see that he pulled away from me when I needed him the most , but he knows his affair added to my medical problems . These days , he is being much more supportive . He reads articles I print out about Fluoroquinolone Toxicity . He discusses them with me . He wants to know what the doctors tell me , and any test results . He 's pulling for me . Right beside me . Today , when I woke up , I had a very sweet card waiting for me . Later , I received flowers . He wanted to make this two year floxiversary special . He wanted to remind me of how far I 've come . He wanted to apologize for all he 's done to hurt me . We are both on the same page . We both have every intention of me healing 100 % . Today , I am filled with such a mixture of feelings . I am proud of how far I 've come , but I still miss the " normal " me . I am grateful that Husband is so supportive now , but still hurt over all the time he wasn 't . I want to hold him and thank him for making this day special , but still don 't want him to think all is forgiven . But , I guess that 's how it 's supposed to be . Just as I can 't heal my body overnight , we can 't heal our marriage overnight . It 's a long , arduous journey . And I 'm crossing my fingers and toes that it 's one journey worth taking . Posted on October 1 , 2012 by ithasntkilledmeyet Reply When you are faced with the knowledge that your spouse had an affair , one question is always in the front of your mind : WHY ? You dissect all the information you are given , you play back your interactions with your spouse during the affair , and it 's still there in your head . Why , why , why ? How could he do this to me ? To our family ? And often , as in my case , your partner will look you in the eye and tell you , " I don 't know . " After many months of discussion , I began to realize that Husband was just as dumbfounded as I was . Of course , there were some reasons that our house was a bit more stressful than usual before the affair . To begin with , Husband was having a difficult time dealing with my illness . Truthfully , my health consumed me . I tried to include him in all the research and doctor 's appointments , but he seemed uninterested . He pulled away , because it was too overwhelming . In turn , I pulled away because I thought he was tired of it all . Instead , I became involved in support groups and hid a lot of what I was going through from him . I thought I was making him not have to worry so much . I thought I was protecting him . Money was ( and still is ) a big issue . We 've always " just gotten by " . Suddenly , I had to leave my job and the medical bills were piling up . We didn 't have enough to pay them , and sometimes he 'd slam them down . Along the same line , Husband has a job that he hates . With a passion . He has put energy into finding a new job , but we 're all well aware of today 's economy . Needless to say , finding something new that would pay enough to warrant a move hasn 't been easy . Put these issues with kids , dogs , the house , and life , and yes … it was a little stressful and depressing in our home . Does this excuse an affair ? No . The truth is , that Husband formed a relationship outside of our marriage for the same reason I imagine most affairs start : it felt good . Have a wife who is too involved in her own health ? Complain about it to the other woman . No sex life ? The other woman will sympathize . Feeling not so great about what you offer the world ? The other woman thinks you 're incredible . She understands . She always understands . With her , you are young and invincible . With her , you are charming and witty . She hasn 't heard all your stories yet , but she 's dying to . She 's dying to know your views on politics , music , art , child - rearing , careers … she wants it all . And you want to be the person for her to bare her soul to . It makes you feel special and important . You are flirtatious , and it feels good to be desired so much . You have an emotional bond with this other person , and you fall in love . And there it is . Friendship turns into love . Husband has a very difficult time with this . At first , I heard a lot about my illness . Then I reminded him that he was putting the blame on me , over a situation I had no control over . He said it was hard on him to not be able to fix me . I reminded him that if he was really so concerned about me getting better , he would 've put effort into research instead of doing something that hurt me MORE than being sick . He said he needed advice on how to deal with the illness . I reminded him that he has yet to tell me one thing she advised him about . She wasn 't telling him to talk to my doctors ; she was helping him focus on what a raw deal he got by having a sick wife . Now , Husband realizes that in fact , his affair was all about feeding his ego . It makes him feel like crap to know he put his family on the line for such a selfish reason , but he sees it . Friendship turned into love . It 's a very dangerous game . We would all like to think there 's no harm in having friends of the opposite sex , but it 's playing with fire . Am I suggesting that you can 't speak with anybody of the opposite sex ? No , but I am suggesting that you steer clear of anything intimate or emotional . An example : right after everything came out , I was speaking with a dear friend on the phone about it . She kept telling me how Husband was just caught up in a serious friendship , and I needed to let it go . She told me how she has had a male friend for a long , long time and they have always been " just friends " . He lost his wife over his relationship with my friend . Then , he lost his new girlfriend for the same reason . He finally talked his wife into coming back , but decided this time it would be safer to keep his " friendship " with my friend a secret . They just couldn 't see what was wrong with being so intimate with each other … after all , they hadn 't had sex ! She lives in another state , so what 's the problem ? I heard from my friend last night . After years of being " just friends " with him , she is now moving . To his state . Into his house . Wasn 't this the same woman who told me I was overreacting ? ! ? There is no doubt in my mind that Husband 's relationship with EB would 've eventually become physical . They were too invested in each other . My daughter once told me that the way she sees it , God gave us a gift in this coming out before it was so far gone that we had no choice but to leave . That 's one hell of a smart 13 year old . And I 'll bet once she finds her Prince Charming , she will be very careful about inviting friends of the opposite sex into her marriage . Let 's hope her husband will be too . So , after six months of why , why , why , I am beginning to feel myself letting this go . I know why . Husband knows why . If it didn 't feel so damned good , he wouldn 't have ever put us through this . He got carried away in a game , just as he probably did a million times as a kid . He thought he could win and have it all . And then he had to learn the agonizing truth … that he is a man , and the stakes are much higher than pretend monies . Hopefully , both of us can forget the question , but always remember the answer , so we can protect our marriage from ever going through this again . Posted on September 26 , 2012 by ithasntkilledmeyet 1 By now , you know that my name for the other woman in my husband 's life is Evil Bitch . You may think I 'm bitter . Resentful . Even hateful . And you 'd be right on all counts . I assure you , however , that there truly are terrible , awful people walking among us . EB is one of them . She comes off as being very smart and witty . The kind of woman that 's sexy , flirtatious and a little sassy . The type that men are naturally drawn to . When she was dating Husband 's best friend , we really liked her . She had been texting with Husband , and at first I wasn 't threatened at all . He would tell me funny things they 'd say back and forth . It was amusing . I enjoyed her sharp wit . Yep , I LIKED her . Within a few months , however , this sexy little thing had turned many lives upside - down . The honeymoon was over . When EB and Husband 's best friend starting having problems , he came to Husband with it . He told him that he was catching EB in lies . One night , while he was at work , EB texted him that she was home . The next morning , her daughter told him she wasn 't . She told Bestie she hadn 't seen her ex - boyfriend , but a quick look on Facebook told a different story . Bestie told Husband that he was suspicious . If she 'd go outside with her phone for a cigarette , she wouldn 't want Bestie to come . She was very secretive with her phone . Bestie told Husband that he was feeling unimportant . EB would constantly tell him about all the men that wanted her , and she would deny him sex . He told Husband that he couldn 't trust her , and she was bad news . So , what was Husband 's response ? He chose to disregard his best friend . He decided that since Bestie 's ex - wife had cheated on him , he was just really " messed up " . He believed EB when she 'd tell him his best friend was making up lies about her . Nevermind that he was Best Man at our wedding , and had never given us a reason to doubt him in 20 + years . Husband was in too deep with his feelings for her . He believed she could do no wrong . It didn 't take too long before Bestie figured out that Husband was going to EB with private information about him . Once they broke up , she somehow knew things that he hadn 't told her , like when and where he was moving to . He wanted to break away from her , and she was using Husband as an informant . A role he happily took on . It made him feel special . Eventually , Bestie stopped sharing information with Husband . Once all was revealed , he began sharing information with me . Though they had broken up , Bestie and EB were still texting . What EB didn 't know , was that after Husband got caught , Bestie was forwarding her texts on to me . This was when I began to see how manipulative and evil she truly is . There were many texts about Husband . She was furious that I had put an end to their relationship . She thought the only reason they were no longer " friends " was because his horrible wife now had him under lock and key . She told Bestie that Husband was weak and naive , and she could get him to do anything she wanted . She told him that if Husband and I don 't work out , he 'll want to be with her . She was beyond pissed that Husband had her number blocked from his cellphone . And , one day when she wrote an e - mail to Husband at work , telling him how much she missed him , I wrote her back telling her to leave us alone . Her response ? " I knew that you 'd read it . As long as he did too , that 's all that matters . " There were also so many texts to Bestie , trying to play with his emotions . Telling him how much his kids will miss her . Telling him how much her kids miss him . Telling him if he didn 't come see her and pick up his things , she would throw them out with the trash . Her car was broken , and she didn 't trust anyone else to know where she lived , so couldn 't he please pick her up and take her home ? She 's outside his house , and he needs to let her in . She feels like hanging herself , etc . , etc . He would ignore her for awhile , then break down and text her that he wanted nothing more to do with her . That would send her into a frenzy of anger and obsenities . Eventually , EB wrote to Bestie 's ex - wife . He never told me what it said , but I imagine it wasn 't too friendly . Then , once Bestie began dating another woman , EB found out who and started writing to her . She would tell her that Bestie destroyed her , then go on to say that she is still sleeping with him . She told her about things in Bestie 's new apartment . Come to find out , she was using photos he 'd post on Instagram and use the background details to help her story . EB was on a mission : to destroy everyone involved . If she was unhappy , she was going to try her damndest to make sure everyone else would be unhappy too . So , how does one get rid of the evil bitch in their life ? It took some trial and error . We 'd block her from one aspect of our lives , and she 'd find another way to communicate . So , we ALL blocked her in every way we could . This includes Facebook , e - mail accounts and phones . Bestie closed his Instagram and Four Square accounts . We blocked our daughter 's accounts , because I truly wouldn 't put it past her to write to her . After everyone involved blocked her , we waited it out . It 's been a month now since EB has contacted us . I hate to say that I 'd ever wish her on anybody else , but I 'm happy that she has ( hopefully ) finally moved on to another group . Is she truly evil ? Maybe not , but I think so . Keep in mind , these are just a few examples . She has harrassed , stalked and intended to do others emotional harm . She uses people for her own gain . And she does it in front of her children . She has no character . She is a tornado or chaos and drama , destroying all in her path . And we just may have finally dove into a ditch where she can 't reach us . Fingers crossed , anyhow ! Posted on September 21 , 2012 by ithasntkilledmeyet 1 An affair can drain anyone of whatever confidence they possess . Am I not pretty enough ? Am I not smart enough ? Am I not witty , sexy , kind , loving , dedicated , hard - working and joyful enough to stay faithful to ? We are our own worst enemy , and believe me , I haven 't been shooting blanks at the mirror . I think it 's only natural to compare yourself to the other woman in your husband 's life . It may not be healthy , but it is natural . In my case , the other woman ( Evil Bitch ) was pretty , young , funny and also just happened to be psychotic . I 'll eventually tell how she earned my little pet - name , but for now , just trust me on this . Of course , for six months Husband only saw the pretty , young and funny side of her . Yep , for six months she was looking a whole lot better than his wife . One of the most heart - breaking things I 've ever had to hear was Husband telling me that he 'd fantasized about EB . Because of my illness , we didn 't have a heck of a lot going on in the bedroom . So , he was imagining a sex life with her . They spoke quite a bit about sexual frustration . Enough that EB said they really " bonded " over this subject . That hasn 't done much for my confidence , as you could imagine . For the first few months after the exposure , I tore myself apart daily . The illness has done quite a number on my appearance . I used to be considered pretty . Now , I 've lost a lot of weight and have collagen degeneration . This means saggy . My thick , blonde hair now falls out by the handful . The bags under my eyes would require a check - in at the airport . You get the idea . The illness also did a number on my personality . I 've grown so tired of never knowing what the day will hold . I could be fine through my routine , or I could end up in the emergency room . It is a hard way to live , and it takes its toll . Needless to say , I 'm not exactly the same life - loving woman I was a few years ago . So , I beat myself up . I 'm NOT good enough . I 'm NOT sexy ( again , saggy ) , or smart ( memory loss ) or joyful ( scared every day ) . I 'm NOT worthy of Husband 's admiration . No wonder his head was turned . Eventually , I grew tired of this . I decided that I didn 't let him down ; he let me down . I had no choice in getting sick , but he did have a choice in whether or not to have a relationship outside of his marriage . I shouldn 't be embarrassed about the woman I 've become , but he should be embarrassed about the man he 's become . And he is . I don 't think I 'd ever be able to respect him again if he wasn 't . None of us are perfect . Humans have flaws . We get sick and we get old . We have bad days , months and even years . Yet overall , I 'm okay with who I am . I am surrounded by people who love , respect and value me . Even Husband sees my worth now . It 's a shame he didn 't see it for six months , but it 's even a bigger shame that I didn 't see it for awhile . I suppose there will always be a part of me that wants to compare myself to EB , but in the end , I know that I bring a lot to the table . A hell of a lot more than someone putting their time and energy into breaking up a marriage ! I have chosen to crawl out of the self - deprecating muck , and plant my flag on higher ground . And you know what ? The view is lovely . |
Posted on October 29 , 2012 by ithasntkilledmeyet Reply Last week was not a good one . I had a tooth break in half . We found out our very capable daughter was not turning in school work . Our checking account was overdrawn . Evil Bitch texted Husband . Well , why not ? Add it to the week . When Husband brought this to me , he was very upset . EB said it was just a reminder to keep paying extra to have her number blocked , because she 's still psychotic and bitter . Now , Husband and I are not very tech savvy , but we could not figure out how she texted him . Her number WAS blocked from his cell , so how did she do it ? And she seemed to somehow know she would get through to him from her cell ! How was this possible ? I decided to call AT & T and figure this out . The customer service rep for AT & T was wonderful ! We talked for about thirty minutes , and she explained it all to me . She told me that both Husband and EB have iPhones , and have imessaging turned on . From my understanding , when this happens , all texts are through the iOS , which goes into the data plan . This is completely separate from billed texts and calls . And if you block somebody 's number , you are only blocking the billed texts and calls . They can still text you if your imessaging is turned on . Moreover , whether it 's turned on or off , blocked or not , they can always send you photos . This explained so much to me . I saw that the last few months of their relationship , the texting dramatically decreased . Husband could never explain to me why they went from over 800 texts a month down to about 10 . I asked if they were using some type of online messaging , and he always told me no . In fact , there were times he told me he had texted her ( not something in his favor to lie about ) , that didn 't show up on our bill . Deep down , I still felt like I was being lied to . I knew things didn 't add up . Now they do . EB got a new iPhone for Christmas , which was the time that the texting stopped showing up on our bill . My guess is that she was turning off her imessaging to save on data , then turning it back on to keep certain texts from showing up on her bill and on ours . Evidently , sometimes she would forget to turn it back on , which is when the texts would show up on our bill . I 'm sure she realized that Husband didn 't know anything about all this , which is why she figured her text would go through to him last week . Of course , Husband immediately turned his imessaging off . He is thinking about just getting a new number , since we found out she 'll always be able to send him photos . He asked for my thoughts on this , because he wants me to be comfortable . I told him that will never happen . If I choose to stay with Husband , EB will always be a part of my life . She once e - mailed me that I can 't control her . That if she wants to contact my husband , all she has to do is call from another number , call him at work or show up there . This is all true . If she wants contact with him badly enough , she 'll find a way to make it happen . There 's nothing I can do to protect myself from her intrusion , so seeking comfort will only leave me disappointed . Posted on October 17 , 2012 by ithasntkilledmeyet 1 When my husband and I decided to stay together and work on our marriage after his emotional affair , I made some rules perfectly clear . He was to have no contact with Evil Bitch . He had to give up his personal e - mail account . He was to block EB 's number from his cell phone . He and I were to live with total transparency and honesty . We put in place a list of rules to affair - proof our marriage in the future . We were to support each other in every way , including emotions . Strangely enough , the last rule was the only one that Husband had a problem with . At first , Husband claimed to be 100 % on board . Whatever I needed , he wanted to give me . He became involved in my toxicity illness … wanting to come with me to doctor appointments , make me dinner that fit in my dietary restrictions and asking me daily how I was feeling . He was rubbing my back at night . He would leave me little notes before he left for work , just saying he loves me and hoping I have a good day . He was being wonderful , and I appreciated the effort . I hate to say I wanted more , because I knew he was really trying . Yet , more is exactly what I wanted . As well as we were getting along , it seemed artificial to me . Everything was pleasant , but it was on the surface . Inside , I felt like we had no emotional connection . I desperately missed my best friend . The man that I could talk to about anything and everything . He was guarded , and felt distant to me . Husband was never really one to share his emotions . I knew this from the get - go , and accepted that about him in the past . This time was different . While he may never have been an open book , there was a time when we couldn 't wait for the kids to go to bed . Those sweet couple of hours between them dozing off and our turn to do the same , we would snuggle in bed and talk . And talk . And talk . About our dreams , our hopes and our fears . Our past and our future . Jobs , kids , likes , dislikes , pets , friends , technology , art , etc . What we ate for lunch that day . What we would do if we won the lottery . Favorite movies , songs , colors , foods and holidays . We just enjoyed talking to one another . Suddenly , Husband had nothing to say to me that didn 't revolve around my illness , our kids or his job . If I would start asking him questions , he 'd rub his eyes and seem disinterested . It was like I was an annoying gnat that he couldn 't swat away from his face . I missed our connection , and was afraid it was gone forever . I tried talking to Husband about this many times . I begged him to open up to me . I suppose , because of everything that 's happened , he thought " talking " could only mean talking about the affair . I suppose he probably thought that I was just waiting for another opportunity to pour salt into that wound . I told him that not every talk has to be an emotional , two - hour cry - fest . That I just desperately wanted to feel he was interested in who I am again . That we needed to learn how to be best friends again . It seemed to fall on deaf ears . He told me he hoped I could learn to accept the person he is , and not need to change him . Then , I began to pull away , out of frustration and defeat . I told him that I was trying to learn to depend on him to meet my physical needs , and my friends to meet my emotional ones . He seemed just fine with that arrangement . For awhile . I don 't know how it happened . I don 't know what changed . After six months of me asking for my friend back , he started talking to me . One night , before going to my son 's football practice , he told me to think about two questions : If I woke up healthy and back to normal , what foods would I eat , and what my dream vacation would be . I was giddy just thinking about it ! That night , we laid in bed talking for a couple of hours . We laughed a lot . It was easy and perfect . I told him I appreciated the effort , and he told me there was no effort . That once we got started , it all fell right back into place . It was natural . Truth be told , I believe it was the guilt that kept him away for so long . He has been very hard on himself . I don 't think it was a conscious decision , to keep me at a distance . I think he was protecting me from being any more disappointed in him . I think he felt he didn 't deserve the best of me . I think it was about punishing himself , unfortunately also punishing me in the process . I asked him what changed , and he said he wasn 't sure . That he just had a " What am I doing ? " moment . Maybe he feared I would fall in love with someone else that would take an interest in me . Maybe he realized he missed our connection as well . Whatever prompted this change , I thank God for it ! Can I say that we are now best friends , and living as if Husband 's affair never happened ? Nope . Can I say I forgive him with all my heart ? Huh uh . But , I can say that I feel closer to him than I have in a long time . That we are enjoying each other 's company again . That we both have a lot of opinions that are worth hearing . That I 'm beginning to fall in love again … with my husband of 15 years . And most of all , that somehow , by the grace of God , this has been one hurdle I didn 't have to keep tripping over alone . Posted on October 5 , 2012 by ithasntkilledmeyet 2 Every married couple who tries to move past an infidelity has to deal with it : the dreaded anniversary . Our first wedding anniversary post Husband 's affair was our 15th . I had been looking forward to it . What a milestone ! What a testament to our love and commitment ! What a sham ! It was last June , only two months after all was exposed . I was still neck - deep in sorrow , but tried to put on a happy face . I went through the motions , while inside I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry until I was dry . We had taken the kids to the beach for a few days . The entire drive , all I could think of was the last time Husband drove that stretch of highway . He was interviewing for a job in another city , and had texted with Evil Bitch the whole time . Just thinking about it knotted my stomach . While at the beach , we had some nice family moments . Walking in the sand as the sun rose and set . Buying fresh seafood at the pier for a boil . Browsing through the local gift shops . Trying to be a solid family again , when inside we were so broken . Because we were traveling home on our actual anniversary , Husband and I decided to exchange gifts on our last night at the coast . There was a funny moment when we each unwrapped the same present . Both of us had put together a photo book of our marriage . We both even included the lyrics to the song we danced to at our wedding . Great minds … or sentimental ones anyhow . I also gave Husband a framed picture of me in my wedding dress - 15 years after he 'd last seen me in it . Although I saw a much older bride , he thought it was beautiful . He also gave me a diamond pendant . I 'd always wanted one . He tried to buy me one when we were dating , but he was a poor college student , and I wouldn 't let him . It was always our joke - someday I 'd get my diamond necklace . And I did . I cried like a baby . Sounds like a great anniversary , right ? As I said , I went through the motions , yet it all seemed like a lie . We were celebrating vows that Husband didn 't keep . " In sickness and in health … forsaking all others . " Fifteen incredible , beautiful years had been reduced to so little by his emotional affair . I felt like he tarnished my every precious memory of our time together . One of the hardest things for me , is that I truly believed in the institution of marriage . Especially ours . I meant every promise I made with all my heart , and I 've kept them all . It kills me that he didn 't . For now , I 've decided that I am done commemorating our wedding date . I need to separate our past from our future . This has been very difficult for Husband , and I do feel bad for that . He wants to focus on all that we 've shared . He 's holding onto it for dear life . I am running away from it as fast as I can . I have to , because it doesn 't make sense to me anymore . And if I can 't make sense of our past , what are we doing together today ? I need to let it go for my sanity and any hope of our survival . It 's hard , but he does understand it . I used to wear my wedding ring proudly every day . Now I can 't stand to look at it , so Husband bought me a small , gold band to take its place . It says exactly what it 's intended for : I 'm married . There are no promises or sentiment behind it at all . For my last birthday , I asked my parents for my wedding video to be put on a DVD . I hadn 't seen it in years , and when I did watch it , Husband sat in the next room ( texting her ? ) . Now , the disk is put away . It 's all put away . Everything pertaining to the day we were married . I just had to do it . Recently , we talked about possibly renewing our vows someday . This time , we thought it would be nice to go away for a few days , just Husband and me . Instead of making promises in front of a pastor , we decided it might be nice to write down exactly what the other person means to us and what our true intentions are . Just us , in secret . And while the rest of the world may acknowledge our old wedding date , we 'd celebrate the new date . The start of the next chapter in our lives . Shedding the old , and moving forward . And maybe I 'd enjoy my next 15th anniversary more . It 's a nice thought , but we 're not quite ready for that yet . When it happens , I want to be 100 % committed to our life together . I want total forgiveness and love in my heart . I hope to get there someday , instead of in this limbo I 'm in right now . I pray for it daily . Until then , no more wedding anniversaries for me ! Posted on October 4 , 2012 by ithasntkilledmeyet Reply Today is my two year floxiversary . What is that , you ask ? I understand , because it 's not a common term . It marks two years since I became sick . Let me explain … On October 4 , 2010 , I woke up with a UTI . I decided to run by the minor emergency clinic on my way to work . My urine looked terrible , so the doctor gave me an antibiotic called Levaquin and sent me on my way . I went to work , took the pill and started my day . Within an hour , the left side of my face was swelling . I was shaking , couldn 't breathe well , had a rapid heart rate , and laid on the bathroom floor feeling sick . I took a Benadryl , my boss drove me home , and I was sure the worst was behind me . I was wrong . The next few months were the scariest of my life . I was so nauseous every day that I couldn 't eat and lost 20 lbs . in a month . My legs didn 't want to work right - nothing in my body wanted to work right . The doctors couldn 't figure it out , as they searched for positive signs of cancers and autoimmune diseases . I kept explaining that I 'd been sick since an allergic response to Levaquin , but nobody ( including me ) really thought that could be the culprit . Wrong again . It took us six months to come to the realization that I was dealing with Levaquin Toxicity . My body treats it , and other fluoroquinolone antibiotics as poison . It affected every part of my body . Through the last two years , my symptoms have included : joint , tendon and muscle pain , muscle wasting , anxiety , bouts of insomnia and over - sleeping , memory loss , dizziness , skin rashes , phototoxicity , peripheral neuropathy , low blood pressure , bouts of constipation and diarrhea , chronic nausea , reflux , gastritis , eye problems , tinnitus , hair loss , broken teeth , etc . Many tests have shown cysts and lesions on my kidneys , liver , spleen , uterus , ovaries , lungs and brain . I had a hiatal hernia . I had hypothyroidism . It was like a bomb went off inside of me . So , where am I today ? On my way towards health . I have a very strict diet . I tire easily . My immune system is so low that I pick up every little bug going around . I still can 't go out dancing , but I get excited doing the little things I used to take for granted - laundry , grocery shopping or playing board games with my kids . I have some semblance of a normal life again , and it feels so good . I have come a very long way from that deathly ill woman who spent months on the bathroom floor . I 'm thrilled with my progress . I 've written a bit about Husband 's distance through the worst of my illness . I understand how difficult it must be to watch your spouse suffer , and not be able to do anything to help . I know he really suffered through his emotions , just as I did . Unfortunately , he chose to also begin a relationship with another woman . That , in turn , did just as much damage to me as the Levaquin . I had been doing much better before the affair came out . Afterwards , I slid back quite a bit . To this day , if somebody else brings up Evil Bitch to me , I shake uncontrollably ( damaged nervous system ) . The illness has left me very ill - equipped to deal with something so hurtful . Yet , I 'm managing somehow . It hasn 't killed me yet . Husband feels terrible about all of this . Not only does he see that he pulled away from me when I needed him the most , but he knows his affair added to my medical problems . These days , he is being much more supportive . He reads articles I print out about Fluoroquinolone Toxicity . He discusses them with me . He wants to know what the doctors tell me , and any test results . He 's pulling for me . Right beside me . Today , when I woke up , I had a very sweet card waiting for me . Later , I received flowers . He wanted to make this two year floxiversary special . He wanted to remind me of how far I 've come . He wanted to apologize for all he 's done to hurt me . We are both on the same page . We both have every intention of me healing 100 % . Today , I am filled with such a mixture of feelings . I am proud of how far I 've come , but I still miss the " normal " me . I am grateful that Husband is so supportive now , but still hurt over all the time he wasn 't . I want to hold him and thank him for making this day special , but still don 't want him to think all is forgiven . But , I guess that 's how it 's supposed to be . Just as I can 't heal my body overnight , we can 't heal our marriage overnight . It 's a long , arduous journey . And I 'm crossing my fingers and toes that it 's one journey worth taking . Posted on October 1 , 2012 by ithasntkilledmeyet Reply When you are faced with the knowledge that your spouse had an affair , one question is always in the front of your mind : WHY ? You dissect all the information you are given , you play back your interactions with your spouse during the affair , and it 's still there in your head . Why , why , why ? How could he do this to me ? To our family ? And often , as in my case , your partner will look you in the eye and tell you , " I don 't know . " After many months of discussion , I began to realize that Husband was just as dumbfounded as I was . Of course , there were some reasons that our house was a bit more stressful than usual before the affair . To begin with , Husband was having a difficult time dealing with my illness . Truthfully , my health consumed me . I tried to include him in all the research and doctor 's appointments , but he seemed uninterested . He pulled away , because it was too overwhelming . In turn , I pulled away because I thought he was tired of it all . Instead , I became involved in support groups and hid a lot of what I was going through from him . I thought I was making him not have to worry so much . I thought I was protecting him . Money was ( and still is ) a big issue . We 've always " just gotten by " . Suddenly , I had to leave my job and the medical bills were piling up . We didn 't have enough to pay them , and sometimes he 'd slam them down . Along the same line , Husband has a job that he hates . With a passion . He has put energy into finding a new job , but we 're all well aware of today 's economy . Needless to say , finding something new that would pay enough to warrant a move hasn 't been easy . Put these issues with kids , dogs , the house , and life , and yes … it was a little stressful and depressing in our home . Does this excuse an affair ? No . The truth is , that Husband formed a relationship outside of our marriage for the same reason I imagine most affairs start : it felt good . Have a wife who is too involved in her own health ? Complain about it to the other woman . No sex life ? The other woman will sympathize . Feeling not so great about what you offer the world ? The other woman thinks you 're incredible . She understands . She always understands . With her , you are young and invincible . With her , you are charming and witty . She hasn 't heard all your stories yet , but she 's dying to . She 's dying to know your views on politics , music , art , child - rearing , careers … she wants it all . And you want to be the person for her to bare her soul to . It makes you feel special and important . You are flirtatious , and it feels good to be desired so much . You have an emotional bond with this other person , and you fall in love . And there it is . Friendship turns into love . Husband has a very difficult time with this . At first , I heard a lot about my illness . Then I reminded him that he was putting the blame on me , over a situation I had no control over . He said it was hard on him to not be able to fix me . I reminded him that if he was really so concerned about me getting better , he would 've put effort into research instead of doing something that hurt me MORE than being sick . He said he needed advice on how to deal with the illness . I reminded him that he has yet to tell me one thing she advised him about . She wasn 't telling him to talk to my doctors ; she was helping him focus on what a raw deal he got by having a sick wife . Now , Husband realizes that in fact , his affair was all about feeding his ego . It makes him feel like crap to know he put his family on the line for such a selfish reason , but he sees it . Friendship turned into love . It 's a very dangerous game . We would all like to think there 's no harm in having friends of the opposite sex , but it 's playing with fire . Am I suggesting that you can 't speak with anybody of the opposite sex ? No , but I am suggesting that you steer clear of anything intimate or emotional . An example : right after everything came out , I was speaking with a dear friend on the phone about it . She kept telling me how Husband was just caught up in a serious friendship , and I needed to let it go . She told me how she has had a male friend for a long , long time and they have always been " just friends " . He lost his wife over his relationship with my friend . Then , he lost his new girlfriend for the same reason . He finally talked his wife into coming back , but decided this time it would be safer to keep his " friendship " with my friend a secret . They just couldn 't see what was wrong with being so intimate with each other … after all , they hadn 't had sex ! She lives in another state , so what 's the problem ? I heard from my friend last night . After years of being " just friends " with him , she is now moving . To his state . Into his house . Wasn 't this the same woman who told me I was overreacting ? ! ? There is no doubt in my mind that Husband 's relationship with EB would 've eventually become physical . They were too invested in each other . My daughter once told me that the way she sees it , God gave us a gift in this coming out before it was so far gone that we had no choice but to leave . That 's one hell of a smart 13 year old . And I 'll bet once she finds her Prince Charming , she will be very careful about inviting friends of the opposite sex into her marriage . Let 's hope her husband will be too . So , after six months of why , why , why , I am beginning to feel myself letting this go . I know why . Husband knows why . If it didn 't feel so damned good , he wouldn 't have ever put us through this . He got carried away in a game , just as he probably did a million times as a kid . He thought he could win and have it all . And then he had to learn the agonizing truth … that he is a man , and the stakes are much higher than pretend monies . Hopefully , both of us can forget the question , but always remember the answer , so we can protect our marriage from ever going through this again . Posted on September 26 , 2012 by ithasntkilledmeyet 1 By now , you know that my name for the other woman in my husband 's life is Evil Bitch . You may think I 'm bitter . Resentful . Even hateful . And you 'd be right on all counts . I assure you , however , that there truly are terrible , awful people walking among us . EB is one of them . She comes off as being very smart and witty . The kind of woman that 's sexy , flirtatious and a little sassy . The type that men are naturally drawn to . When she was dating Husband 's best friend , we really liked her . She had been texting with Husband , and at first I wasn 't threatened at all . He would tell me funny things they 'd say back and forth . It was amusing . I enjoyed her sharp wit . Yep , I LIKED her . Within a few months , however , this sexy little thing had turned many lives upside - down . The honeymoon was over . When EB and Husband 's best friend starting having problems , he came to Husband with it . He told him that he was catching EB in lies . One night , while he was at work , EB texted him that she was home . The next morning , her daughter told him she wasn 't . She told Bestie she hadn 't seen her ex - boyfriend , but a quick look on Facebook told a different story . Bestie told Husband that he was suspicious . If she 'd go outside with her phone for a cigarette , she wouldn 't want Bestie to come . She was very secretive with her phone . Bestie told Husband that he was feeling unimportant . EB would constantly tell him about all the men that wanted her , and she would deny him sex . He told Husband that he couldn 't trust her , and she was bad news . So , what was Husband 's response ? He chose to disregard his best friend . He decided that since Bestie 's ex - wife had cheated on him , he was just really " messed up " . He believed EB when she 'd tell him his best friend was making up lies about her . Nevermind that he was Best Man at our wedding , and had never given us a reason to doubt him in 20 + years . Husband was in too deep with his feelings for her . He believed she could do no wrong . It didn 't take too long before Bestie figured out that Husband was going to EB with private information about him . Once they broke up , she somehow knew things that he hadn 't told her , like when and where he was moving to . He wanted to break away from her , and she was using Husband as an informant . A role he happily took on . It made him feel special . Eventually , Bestie stopped sharing information with Husband . Once all was revealed , he began sharing information with me . Though they had broken up , Bestie and EB were still texting . What EB didn 't know , was that after Husband got caught , Bestie was forwarding her texts on to me . This was when I began to see how manipulative and evil she truly is . There were many texts about Husband . She was furious that I had put an end to their relationship . She thought the only reason they were no longer " friends " was because his horrible wife now had him under lock and key . She told Bestie that Husband was weak and naive , and she could get him to do anything she wanted . She told him that if Husband and I don 't work out , he 'll want to be with her . She was beyond pissed that Husband had her number blocked from his cellphone . And , one day when she wrote an e - mail to Husband at work , telling him how much she missed him , I wrote her back telling her to leave us alone . Her response ? " I knew that you 'd read it . As long as he did too , that 's all that matters . " There were also so many texts to Bestie , trying to play with his emotions . Telling him how much his kids will miss her . Telling him how much her kids miss him . Telling him if he didn 't come see her and pick up his things , she would throw them out with the trash . Her car was broken , and she didn 't trust anyone else to know where she lived , so couldn 't he please pick her up and take her home ? She 's outside his house , and he needs to let her in . She feels like hanging herself , etc . , etc . He would ignore her for awhile , then break down and text her that he wanted nothing more to do with her . That would send her into a frenzy of anger and obsenities . Eventually , EB wrote to Bestie 's ex - wife . He never told me what it said , but I imagine it wasn 't too friendly . Then , once Bestie began dating another woman , EB found out who and started writing to her . She would tell her that Bestie destroyed her , then go on to say that she is still sleeping with him . She told her about things in Bestie 's new apartment . Come to find out , she was using photos he 'd post on Instagram and use the background details to help her story . EB was on a mission : to destroy everyone involved . If she was unhappy , she was going to try her damndest to make sure everyone else would be unhappy too . So , how does one get rid of the evil bitch in their life ? It took some trial and error . We 'd block her from one aspect of our lives , and she 'd find another way to communicate . So , we ALL blocked her in every way we could . This includes Facebook , e - mail accounts and phones . Bestie closed his Instagram and Four Square accounts . We blocked our daughter 's accounts , because I truly wouldn 't put it past her to write to her . After everyone involved blocked her , we waited it out . It 's been a month now since EB has contacted us . I hate to say that I 'd ever wish her on anybody else , but I 'm happy that she has ( hopefully ) finally moved on to another group . Is she truly evil ? Maybe not , but I think so . Keep in mind , these are just a few examples . She has harrassed , stalked and intended to do others emotional harm . She uses people for her own gain . And she does it in front of her children . She has no character . She is a tornado or chaos and drama , destroying all in her path . And we just may have finally dove into a ditch where she can 't reach us . Fingers crossed , anyhow ! Posted on September 21 , 2012 by ithasntkilledmeyet 1 An affair can drain anyone of whatever confidence they possess . Am I not pretty enough ? Am I not smart enough ? Am I not witty , sexy , kind , loving , dedicated , hard - working and joyful enough to stay faithful to ? We are our own worst enemy , and believe me , I haven 't been shooting blanks at the mirror . I think it 's only natural to compare yourself to the other woman in your husband 's life . It may not be healthy , but it is natural . In my case , the other woman ( Evil Bitch ) was pretty , young , funny and also just happened to be psychotic . I 'll eventually tell how she earned my little pet - name , but for now , just trust me on this . Of course , for six months Husband only saw the pretty , young and funny side of her . Yep , for six months she was looking a whole lot better than his wife . One of the most heart - breaking things I 've ever had to hear was Husband telling me that he 'd fantasized about EB . Because of my illness , we didn 't have a heck of a lot going on in the bedroom . So , he was imagining a sex life with her . They spoke quite a bit about sexual frustration . Enough that EB said they really " bonded " over this subject . That hasn 't done much for my confidence , as you could imagine . For the first few months after the exposure , I tore myself apart daily . The illness has done quite a number on my appearance . I used to be considered pretty . Now , I 've lost a lot of weight and have collagen degeneration . This means saggy . My thick , blonde hair now falls out by the handful . The bags under my eyes would require a check - in at the airport . You get the idea . The illness also did a number on my personality . I 've grown so tired of never knowing what the day will hold . I could be fine through my routine , or I could end up in the emergency room . It is a hard way to live , and it takes its toll . Needless to say , I 'm not exactly the same life - loving woman I was a few years ago . So , I beat myself up . I 'm NOT good enough . I 'm NOT sexy ( again , saggy ) , or smart ( memory loss ) or joyful ( scared every day ) . I 'm NOT worthy of Husband 's admiration . No wonder his head was turned . Eventually , I grew tired of this . I decided that I didn 't let him down ; he let me down . I had no choice in getting sick , but he did have a choice in whether or not to have a relationship outside of his marriage . I shouldn 't be embarrassed about the woman I 've become , but he should be embarrassed about the man he 's become . And he is . I don 't think I 'd ever be able to respect him again if he wasn 't . None of us are perfect . Humans have flaws . We get sick and we get old . We have bad days , months and even years . Yet overall , I 'm okay with who I am . I am surrounded by people who love , respect and value me . Even Husband sees my worth now . It 's a shame he didn 't see it for six months , but it 's even a bigger shame that I didn 't see it for awhile . I suppose there will always be a part of me that wants to compare myself to EB , but in the end , I know that I bring a lot to the table . A hell of a lot more than someone putting their time and energy into breaking up a marriage ! I have chosen to crawl out of the self - deprecating muck , and plant my flag on higher ground . And you know what ? The view is lovely . |
When we first got the diagnosis of Down syndrome I couldn 't see a future that included marriage for my child . This was just one of my misconceptions about people with Ds . Knowing Abby as I do , I can no longer discount this as an impossibility . I fully expect that there will come a day when Abby is ready to move out of our house , a day when Abby decides to got off to college , and yes , a day when she just might come to us to tell us she 's engaged . Whenever I 've brought this up to Jason , his reaction is always the same , " No way ! " I have to laugh at this " typical " father 's response . No father can imagine that anyone is good enough for their little girl and with Jason that feeling is especially keen . There is one blog that I read where the author will do what she calls the " Friday Phone Dump " . I 've kept that idea in my back pocket , ready to pull out when I need it . So , tonight I will just " dump " pictures from my phone and share some of our fun from the day . I was looking for some fabric to make some headbands I came across a dress I 'd made her . She wanted that on , and then chose the shirt to go under it . Wearing the headband I made , she completed her rather eclectic look . The face tops it off though ! Although I look rather tired , I loved this picture because of Abby 's smile . We were having fun mugging for the camera as she chomped on her bubble gum . She just looks so happy here . Bruiser doesn 't look very convinced that Abby lovin ' is what he needs at this moment . Seconds before though he was " tickling " her by nosing her legs , and she was laughing up a storm . Today was a fun day , with not only camera worthy moments , but lots of fun one - liners from my Abby - girl . She was in a great mood and kept me laughing - you can 't ask for more than that ! Tonight 's post has some significance - not because of the content , but because of the number . This is post number 122 . For one hundred twenty - two days I 've sat at my computer ( mostly at the end of the evening ) and reflected on my day . For one hundred and twenty - two days I 've given you a peek into my head and invited you into my home . For one hundred and twenty - two days I 've shared Abby with you . Now , you may be wondering : What 's with the " one hundred and twenty - two days " ? Well if you do the math 122 is one third of 365 ( actually it is 121 . 66666 , but I decided to round up ) - we are a third of the way through our year . Can you believe it ? I can 't . Now , I know that technically I had a couple of posts before the actual " year " started , but we 're going to go with that number . I though tonight would be a good time to review were we 've been so far . In the beginning you learned Abby 's birth story ( if you didn 't already know it ) , and a bit about her first days at home . You got a pretty good picture that Abby is someone who loves fun - loves dressing up and dancing , but who also struggles to keep it together when she 's over stimulated , and is pretty short on patience . You met Bruiser and saw how those two often act like siblings , and a few of Abby 's friends , both new and old . You heard about the many times Abby was under - the - weather , and even a surprise surgery to reattach the tip of her finger . You heard about our loving extended family , and how much Abby lights up their world . I also introduced you to some of the wonderful people that have worked with Abby over the school year , and how much they mean to us . I 've shared some of my fears and struggles as I seek to be the best mother I can be to my little girl , and you 've even gotten an ear - full of some of my pet peeves ( lucky you ! ) . You 've even gotten to celebrate in some of our milestones . Remember when Abby learned her first red word ? What about the first time she went to the movies ? To be honest it has not always been easy to write my posts each day . I 've had many nights when I 'm just too tired and done thinking , but then Jason will give me " that " look , and I 'll pull my computer out and get writing . I 've had some people ask me if I have some posts written up and waiting in the wings , and I tell them that no , I don 't , because much of what I write is about thoughts or moments from the day . I will say that I 've been amazed at the number of people that will tell me they enjoy reading " Abby stories " - not because she isn 't entertaining , but because I 'm humbled that people would take the time to read what I write . So , thank you for taking time out of your day to " listen " and to get to know my little girl . This morning Abby got to go play with her friendswhile Mom did homework . She wanted to take hermirror with her . She chatted with herself the wholeway there , and when we got there ( and I told her shehad to leave the mirror in the car ) she turned to it andsaid , " Good - bye , Friend . " The car is alright - After getting Abby excited about a day at child care , where she would get to go on a field trip to the park and eat ice cream , we slathered on the sunscreen , packed up a lunch and extra clothes , and climbed in the car . We were both thrilled . . . . until I hit the ignition button and nothing happened . Literally nothing - no engine sounds , no radio , no fan , no clock , no . . . . nothing . The car was dead . As Abby started complaining in the back , I looked and realized that I 'd left the lights on and the battery was dead . It was a harrowing few hours that included hooking the car up to the mower ( so we could at least get it in neutral and Jason could push it out of the garage ) , then hooking it up to Jason 's car ( which started things smoking ) , and then back to the mower so we were finally were able to drive it to a garage . At this point the windows weren 't working and the engine sounded really wrong - we were worried that somehow the electrical system had gone kaput . Luckily , like a kid who miraculously feels better once they get to the doctor 's office , there were no problems and all is as it should be once again . We were able to pick the car up and the whole way home all Abby talked about was how nice it was to have our car back and that it was , " all better now . " Abby and I survived our fall ( virtually ) unscathed - The whole time we ( meaning Jason ) was fiddling with the car Abby wanted to go swimming . There were a couple of problems with that . One , there is no water in the pool because we drained it in order to give it a good cleaning . The cleaning had not yet happened , so it was dirty and empty . Secondly , I had the sneaking suspicion that we would be heading to the mechanics with the cars , so I didn 't want her wet when we went for that ride . So , I promised her that when we got home I would clean the pool as she played in the sprinkler . Everything went fine , she even helped me get the hose to the back of the house so I could set up the sprinkler . . . then she saw the empty pool and lost it . She was so heartbroken that there was no water in the pool , that she didn 't want to listen to reason or have anything to do with consoling from Mom . Finally , I just picked her up and started walking towards the house thinking of scrapping the whole thing . Now , if you have ever seen our yard you will know that it 's pretty big ( our house is actually on three lots ) . In that vast expanse of lawn I was able to find the one large hole we have - and step right in it . With a twist of my ankle we both went down , and Abby howled even louder ( I certainly don 't blame her ) . As I was sitting on the grass , checking her over to make sure she was okay , I heard a knock on the window behind me . Jason ( who at this point was already a tiny bit irritated with me anyway about the whole " leaving the lights on " thing ) , waved us in the house - telling us just to come inside . That 's when I had to yell to him that I 'd fallen and ( say it with me ) I couldn 't get up . He came out to our rescue and grabbed a weeping Abby off my lap so I could stand . I 'm happy to say that we are both a - okay . Sure my ankle hurts a bit , and I 'm almost positive that I wrenched my knee in that fall , but it isn 't unbearable . After an ice cream cone Abby was able to get her composure back and have a good day . I got my homework done - You know , I feel bad for Abby . Not only is she an only child , so that means nine out of ten times she only has Mom to play with , but Mom also often has work to do . Such was the case today . I had several assignments that were due today - this was why I was going to take her in to child care in the first place - so she could actually have a good time . That didn 't work out , so she was stuck at home with me . So , in between the food serving , the costume changing , the living room dancing , and the couch cuddling , I was able to read my assigned readings and respond to questions . This is a not only a blessing , but a minor miracle . Abby is now sleeping soundly - After having " one of those days " we are all a bit tuckered out . As I was finishing up yet another assignment , Abby started to get whiney and fickle , as she often does when she 's tired . Luckily , Jason swept in and commandeered her to help him make a pan of brownies . She was good with that , since she loves cooking . So , as her foot tapped to Billy Joel 's " Extremes " she stirred those brownies like nobody 's business . We had a bit of a problem when the time came to put them in the pan , but with the addition of another bowl and a bit of extra flour she was able to resume her stirring duties . Before long the music got the better of her and she commanded Dada to dance with her " in the kitchen " , and so they started swaying . . . . and then she ended up in his arms . . . . . and then she put her head on his shoulder . . . . and then he walked with her upstairs . . . . and then he came downstairs alone - with a bit of brownie drool on his t - shirt . She was out like a light . As you can imagine I didn 't give a thought to getting outthe camera today , so I had to go to the " archives " for thisone . Here we have Abby leading a mealtime prayer for Rapunzel , Mulan , and Merida . They are all listening so intently , aren 't they ? Congratulations ! You finally made it to the day of your wedding . I know , more than most , how stressful the last few weeks have been , but remember all that planning you ( or should I say " Jason " ) did ? It 's about to pay off . Don 't be nervous , the ceremony will be beautiful , hot , but beautiful . Everything will go just as planned , that is except for that pesky hanger string that somehow found its way out of the sleeve of your dress . You do end up going through the whole service with it hanging from your armpit , but no one really noticed - or at least they didn 't say anything . First , enjoy the moment . My dear , you have a pesky habit of looking ahead to " the next thing " and missing what is happening in front of you . Believe me , everything will come when it is supposed to - and not a minute sooner . God 's got it all planned out for you , this is one thing you don 't have to worry about . So , round about years three and four , when all of your friends are having their babies , back off and leave poor Jason alone about starting a family . It won 't be time yet . But when it is - does God have a surprise for you ! It 's a really , really good one , and well worth waiting for , so enjoy those childless years - and take lots of naps , lots and lots of naps . Second , appreciate your differences . There will be times when both you and Jason look at each other and wonder how in the world you ended up together . You both are so very different in many ways . He isn 't going to understand the importance of never using fabric scissors on paper - just accept it . Oh , and he really hates being late , so stop doing your nails right before you get in the car to go somewhere . The fact that you will no longer have to think about what bills are due when is a huge trade off . He will also take care of your car - just make sure you remember to tell him when the light comes on , alright ? When those moments come when you both really get irritated ( and they will ) just remember that you balance each other out , and that you are very alike when it comes to what really matters . Finally , the sooner you learn to keep your cool , the happier you will be . Truth be told you have been known to blow things a bit out of proportion from time to time . That creative mind of yours has a way of running away from you , and sending you into panic mode . Sometimes it 's as simple as knowing that when that grill grate goes through Jason 's toe , he doesn 't want a cold cloth for his forehead . Other times though it will be more important that you relax and take a few deep breaths before you think your world is crashing in around you . There will come a day when things seem bleak and and the future doesn 't look as bright as it does today , but remember this , that " difficulty " will quickly become your greatest blessing . As the years go on that Blessing will multiply and make your life richer than you ever could have imagined . In other words - there is no panicking necessary . So , enjoy your day . It is a celebration of the life that you have ahead of you - a wonderful life , with a wonderful man beside you . Love , P . S . You might want to skip the Bed and Breakfast altogether on your honeymoon . The whole thing just got weird with the crazy innkeeper , and you end up sneaking out during the night anyway . Best to avoid the whole situation . Abby spent the bulk of her day playing with friends at child care . She was a bit reluctant to go , but once I told her I would pick her up some breakfast on the way , she was semi - okay with it all . The only problem was that she wanted me to get her pizza for breakfast . When that was a no - go she tried to posture for some nuggets . . . . and when Mom shot that one down too , she moved on to wanting a hot dog . Finally , not giving her a voice in the choice any more I picked her up a donut and that was that . She still was going on and on about pizza as we drove to school , and so I had to " instruct " her that there are some things that are breakfast foods and somethings that aren 't . As soon as the words were out of my mouth I heard a little voice in my head ask : Why ? Jason will often eat last night 's leftovers for breakfast ( mainly because most " breakfast foods " don 't appeal to him ) , where is it written that some foods are okay for breakfast and others are not ? Luckily Abby didn 't question my ridiculous comment and once we got to school , and she saw some familiar faces , she was more than happy to sit down with her donut and eat her breakfast . We both went about our days separately until I came back to school to get her . One of the things I love the best is " spying " on her before she knows I 'm there . As I peeked through the small window in the orange door of the room she was in I had a rather startling sight . I saw her right away , but I had to laugh because there was my darling little princess dressed in an Incredible Hulk costume - complete with bulging muscles and tattered pants . The costume fit her perfectly and it was hilarious . The best part was that she was walking around and playing with the other kids like it was no big deal , that of course she would be wearing an Incredible Hulk outfit ! As Miss Lynn gathered her things she asked me if I just wanted to take the costume home and bring it back another day . It was then that I noticed that Miss Lynn had all of Abby 's clothes in her hands . I could just imagine how Abby had stripped down to her underwear in order to put that costume on . I also noticed that the zipper on the costume was broken , and Abby 's bare back was there for all to see , but I know that didn 't bother her one bit . Abby came running up to me , struck a pose , and told me she was a superhero . Once again I was reminded how great my kid is . I couldn 't wait to get her out to the car so I could get my phone and take a picture - which is what I did once I had " The Hulk " all settled in with her seatbelt buckled . Maybe it 's the fact that I have spend the weekend working on homework for my graduate classes , and that much of what I 'm reading , writing , and thinking about has to do with words , but today I got thinking about how powerful words really are . This is something that I try to convey to my students , that words - both written and spoken - have a force . They have the capacity to do so many things . My mind meandered and brought me to thoughts about the words I say to Abby . By no means do I always say the right thing , in fact there are so many times when I say exactly the wrong thing , but there are four phrases that I make sure to include in each of Abby 's days . I love you - I want Abby to be certain that she is loved - I mean really certain . Most days I can 't count how many times I tell her I love her - or how many ways . I will ask her things like , " Do you know how much I love you ? " to which she will likely respond , " Yeah . " There are also the funny I love you songs we sing that get Bruiser going , but when I truly want to get my point across I will look her in the eye and very simply say , " I love you . " It is important that she hears those words often from me , and that she knows they are important words . You are beautiful - Sometimes it may come out as , " You are so pretty ! " , but the idea is the same . She is beautiful . Her smile can light up a room , her laughter can brighten my spirit , and those pink little cheeks are just so kissable , I can hardly stand it . She needs to know she is beautiful , both inside and out . Good job ! - Many things don 't come easily to Abby , so when she spends time working on filling a paper with color , or cutting that same paper into tiny pieces , or even takes a trip to the potty all by herself , she 's done a good ( dare I say " great " ? ) job . I know that I work best when I feel encouraged , and why wouldn 't Abby feel the same ? She does a lot of " good jobs " throughout the day , and I want her to feel that by the end of it . I know that a lot of little " good jobs " can add up to one big feeling of , " I can do it ! " I 'm sorry - Whether it be when I mistakenly step on her foot as I am walking past , or because I lost my patience with her , I need to make sure that she knows I 'm sorry when I 've done something wrong . I expect her to apologize when she does wrong , why wouldn 't I ? I sometimes wonder if parents got the idea somewhere that we can 't be vulnerable in front of our kids , but to me , apologizing shows strength - not weakness . Today 's post is a reminder to me , not to discount my words and to always remember how very , very important they are . I used all of these phrases today , when I apologized for raising my voice when she wouldn 't let go of my sweater , when she proudly showed me the pictures she had colored , when she came to show me how wonderfully she had brushed through her hair ( on her own ) after her bath , and when we were cuddling before bedtime . Yes , I must never forget the importance of words , because words have power . Today was a bit of a " ho - hum " kind of a day , where nothing really spectacular ( or vexing ) happened . We just meandered through our day , doing bits and pieces of what needed to get done , but didn 't really have any plans or goals . We knew we needed to stay home - none of us were feeling that great . Abby is fighting a cold , Jason is about over this heat ( and how it makes him feel ) , and I 'm just tired . See , Abby has taken to cutting paper lately . She loves it ! She will first draw something on a piece of paper and then she grabs her scissors and gets going . I don 't really mind this for several reasons . First , it is great practice for her . Managing scissors has always been a bit difficult for her , ( it isn 't easy getting those things to work right in your hand - especially if you are still trying to decide which hand you prefer ) . Secondly , it keeps her busy . This sounds horrible , but I have to get the dishes done at some point , and handing off the crayons and scissors keeps her occupied long enough to let me clean up a bit . Finally , she really likes doing it , and ultimately it isn 't hurting anyone . I have made sure to drive home the point with her that we only cut paper . I 'm secretly waiting for the day when she comes to me with shorn hair , but so far we 've been fortunate on that one . The only real problem with this new pastime is that she leaves little piles of papers everywhere . It has become typical for me to come across various mounds left behind after she has been busy . Usually , I make a game of picking it up with her . ( Although there have been time when she impudently tells me that it is " Mama 's turn to clean up " when I tell her I need her help . That stinker ! ) After a bit of convincing ( my line is usually : " I didn 't make the mess , I shouldn 't have to clean it up . " ) we grab a grocery bag and go at all the little pieces with gusto . She does enjoy this part as well - most days - but on this " ho - hum " day she wasn 't up for it , and I wasn 't up for arguing , so armed with a my own bag I set to gathering . Overall , it was a good day - a good low - key day . You know though , you need those days every now and again . So I will finish my post by leaving you with a short video clip I took the other day ( when things weren 't so " ho - hum " ) . Abby and I were having some fun and I was able to get us trading jokes . If this doesn 't make you smile - I don 't know what will . I have always loved going to the movies . I can remember how excited I was when my mom would grab her " Big Purse " and fill it with contraband treats for the theater . I even remember one time my mom packed up lunches , complete with sandwiches wrapped in wax paper and Town Club pops . I 've always thought it would be a blast if Abby shared my love of movies on the big screen - we could spend the summers hopping from theater to theater , and munching on popcorn . The thing is , Abby has had such a fear of big places , loud noises , and the dark that we always figured a movie theater would be torture for her . We 've batted the idea around from time to time , but I 've always chickened out - worried that she wouldn 't be able to handle it , and not wanting to traumatize her . Today the movie " Brave " opened in theaters , which I 'm sure you knew if you have a child under the age of 14 , or if you love anything Pixar creates . Since I fall into both of those categories , I 've been looking forward to this . One of my friends had mentioned wanting to see it , so I was thrilled about having someone to go with - assuming that Jason wasn 't really into the whole Scottish Lass meets computer animation genre . I had hoped that we could go this evening , but it didn 't work out for her . Then , a couple of days ago I got a message from her letting me know that a group of friends were taking their kids to see it this afternoon , and she wondered if I could go . My first thought ( and response ) was , " No . " Jason was swamped with work , and there was no one to watch Abby . Yesterday as I was talking it over with Jason , I suddenly got teary . Not because I wasn 't going to be able to go - that would be childish . I was upset because it seemed this was one more fun thing Abby would miss out on because of some of her struggles . After crying all over Jason he looked at me like I 'd lost my mind and very simply said , " Then take her . " Huh ? " If it doesn 't work you guys leave - it 's only money . " I quickly sent a note to my friend letting her know that I 'd changed my mind and that Abby and I would be joining them . Jason was right , what was I being so uptight about ? Why wasn 't I giving her a chance ? If anytime would work to try out a movie , it would be when so many of her good buddies were going . So , from there I set about getting her ready for her first film experience . First we talked it up big . We told her that her friends would be going and that she would get to go to the Movies ! ! ! I also had her watch the trailer for the film several times ( Thank you Youtube ) , and she got so into it that she took over the iPad and watched every one of them - several times . At this point she was so excited to go see Princess Merida . In fact , those were the first words out of her mouth this morning . She was thrilled to see her friends . Check . She wanted to watch the redheaded princess ride her horse . Check . Now . . . . what to do about the loud noise ? I thought about that one and wondered if I should bring some headphones , but thinking that might confuse her I got out my knitting needles and some lovely bright red yarn and made her some " Magical Movie Mufflers " a . k . a . earmuffs . I told her that these were magical and that when the movie got too loud they would help make it softer . She loved her " muffers " so sound was taken care of . Check . I glossed over the whole " big dark room " thing and focused on the fact that we would get to pick big comfy chairs to sit in , and we were off . I also happened to mention the popcorn , so when we walked in the theater she wanted to know when we 'd get that great big tub . Soon she was fixed up and ready to go . As soon as we got to the open door of our theater though , she put the breaks on , but that didn 't turn out to be such a problem - thanks to my great friends . They grabbed my stuff while I grabbed Abby . I carried her down the aisle while she covered her ears , but as soon as she saw the legos dancing on the screen , and the other kids in their seats , she couldn 't wait to join them . I was blown away when she promptly climbed up in her booster seat , grabbed the popcorn for her lap , and started stuffing her face as she watched the previews . Was it really going to be this easy ? She took to theater movies like a natural . Sure , she was a little loud when she would try to repeat the lines the actors gave , and there was that one point when the first song of the movie played that she handed me her popcorn , climbed down from her chair and said , " I 've got to dance ! " - which she promptly did , but overall she was awesome . I couldn 't believe it , and I have to admit I felt rather bad that I was willing to count her out because I thought she couldn 't handle it . With about 15 minutes left of the film she kept telling me to " go to the car and drive home . " It seems that she had found her independent legs and had no more need of me . In the end we were able to lure her out of the theater ( after she ran to the front and plopped herself down next to some poor guy that had been sitting by himself ) . As I told her how proud I was of her , she chatted about going to see another movie , and I promised her that we would - that maybe next time we would take Dada with us . She thought that would be great ! Many of you know that Abby is not the best sleeper . In fact , I could count on one hand ( actually more like two fingers ) the number of times she has slept through the night . I know there are several reasons for this , much of it having to do with how I 've " taught " her to go to sleep , but some of it has to do with factors that are out of our control . When she was little I would put her to sleep by rocking her , walking with her , or even bouncing on an exercise ball ( it sounds crazy , but it was actually a great way to get her to sleep ) . I was ever so thankful when she finally was out of her crib and I could simply lay next to her in bed to put her to sleep . Now , I knew as I was soothing her to sleep she wasn 't leaning to do it for herself , but I 'd tried all the " self - soothing " exercises . There many nights when I would lay on the floor next to her crib as she cried , or sit outside her bedroom door , as she stripped out of her clothes and got rid of all her blankets . Nothing seemed to work , she could out wait me like a pro - seriously , there were nights when this would take hours , before I finally gave in and rocked her to sleep - because I was exhausted . It was in those hours of sitting in a chair in her room waiting for that " self - soothing " to kick in that I began to notice something . There were times when she just couldn 't get her feet and legs to " settle " - they were constantly moving , and at times she acted like she was actually in pain . We talked with the doctor about it and even her therapists , but everyone was at a loss . When she would have trouble with this we would sometimes do joint compressions , and believe it or not there were many nights when she would fall asleep while we did them . I could never understand it . Obviously , she needed the extra input . This was the beginning of our suspicions that she had some sensory issues . Time when on , and since I work outside the house it just became easier to sooth her to sleep with cuddles , joint compressions , and even brushing ( this is a technique that therapists use where they take a special , soft , brush and rub arms , legs , hands , feet , etc . in order to give a child more input and to help soothe them ) . Usually about 3 - 4 hours into her night of sleep she would wake up and want some water , and Mom . I would lay back down and soothe her back to sleep . This became a pattern that continues to this day . In the scheme of things this really isn 't a big deal . It works for us , and Abby and I seem to be able to function with interrupted sleep . I know it isn 't ideal , and that is why a few months ago I made her a weighted blanket , thinking that might help her settle . ( I posted how I did it to the " Tutorials " page I added . ) The blanket does settle her as she winds down for sleep nine time out of ten , but she still isn 't making it through the night . At Abby 's last physical I asked her doctor about any other " tricks " for sleeping . He mentioned melatonin . I 'd heard of this , and done some research , but I really hate having her " take " something to help her sleep . Her doctor assured me that it was natural and that it wasn 't going to cause her body to stop making melatonin naturally . Thinking we 'd tried so much , I figured it might be worth a go . We got some chewable tablets and tonight was the first time Abby tried it . I was gone at a meeting , so Jason gave her the lowest dose the doctor recommended , not knowing how she would handle it . He laughed when he told me that she chewed it up and said , " Oh , it tastes good ! " When he asked her what it tasted like she said , " It tastes like smiles ! " Isn 't that great ? He noticed that she was getting sleepy , and by the time I got home she was out like a light . We will see if this has any effect on how she sleeps through the night . I 'm cautiously hopeful that this will work , although I 'm not naive enough to think that one supplement will " cure " years of sleep trouble , but I 'm hoping that we are headed in the right direction , and by the time we start school back up in the fall everyone will be able to enjoy a full night 's sleep . It 's " Blog Hop " day ! This week 's prompt was pictures - funny pictures , endearing pictures , beautiful pictures , any pictures you wanted to share . I knew I wanted to participate this week because we have so many wonderful pictures of Abby . The only problem was going to be how to narrow them down . I have over 12 , 000 pictures on my computer alone - and most of them are of Abby . When I sat down this afternoon to look through them I noticed a trend . We seemed to have a plethora of pictures with her making a sort of surprised , " Oh ! " face . Out of curiosity I began tagging just those pictures , and by the time I was done I had over thirty ( thirty - three to be exact ) . Abby loves birthdays . Of course she loves her birthday most of all , but in a pinch it doesn 't matter . All of the trappings of a birthday celebration are wonderful for her - the presents , the cake , the candles , and the singing . Today was a great day for several reasons , but most of all because it was Papa 's birthday . Since we didn 't see the family on Father 's Day we decided that we would head out to see Papa today and have a Father 's Day / Birthday celebration . Abby had been practicing her , " Happy Birthday , Papa ! " all day , and so when we finally got there she was primed and ready to go . She burst in the house , carrying Papa 's gift , and went right to the birthday boy to give a hug , a kiss , and a birthday greeting . She couldn 't even wait for the cake , and so after " hellos " all around she launched into a beautifully sweet rendition of the " Happy Birthday " song . Soon enough she was asking for cake , but luckily we were able to put her off until after dinner . Following that there was no more putting her off . She sat at the counter drooling over that yummy cake as Nana rustled up some candles - then it was show time . Papa was kind enough to let Abby blow out the candles , and Nana was nice enough to cut a frosting covered piece just for her . Before long it was time to head out , and as we pulled away from the house I couldn 't help but think about what a nice evening it had been . Maybe Abby is on to something with her love of birthday celebrations . Maybe every family gathering should have cake , candles , and singing . For the past week or so I 've been gathering " Abby - isms " until I got enough for a blog post . After today , I think I finally met my quota . So enjoy them , I hope they make you laugh - they certainly did us . While riding in the car to go shopping , I was singing some silly song about going to the store . After Abby stopped howling like Bruiser I heard her laugh and say , " Mom , you 're a goofball . " Nice . On yet another car trip we were skipping through a playlist and landed on Billy Joel 's " I Go to Extremes " . Abby started singing along - and knew all the words . We have no idea how she knows that song , but she wanted to hear " Extremes " over and over again . Hmmmm . . . . . . I finally got around to really straightening up our bedroom . This afternoon Abby came in while I was finishing and she exclaimed , " Wow ! What happened here ? It 's all clean ! Good job , Mom . " Yikes ! Apparently I need to clean more often . These are only a smattering of the funny things this kid says . I love how much she is talking and coming up with such creative and fun things - all on her own . For years now her personality has shown through in her actions and her spirit , but now we are starting to get a bit of that sassiness in her words - and it 's lovely . I 'm sure I missed a few of her zingers , and will probably remember about five of them once I 've sent my post , but I think you get the idea . Once again , Abby is a blast , and you never know what 's going to come out of her mouth . From the moment Abby came into the world , Jason has been by her side . The bond between those two was instantaneous , and I 've had the pleasure of watching it grow stronger over the years . Jason is an amazing father - I wish you all could see those two together , it is a pleasure to watch . I got to thinking how very meaningful the title of " Dada " is . I know it means different things to different people , but here are a few phrases that illustrate what Dada means around here . Imagine , if you will , a pile of marbles - lovely , shiny , round marbles . Now , picture those marbles being dropped to a wooden floor where they scatter and roll in every direction . Do you go after the one by your foot , or the one that is headed under the couch , first ? I bet you 're feeling flustered , a bit frantic , and a mite frustrated . Welcome to my shopping trip with Abby . I knew today would come , just as I knew the day would come when she no longer fit in the front seat of the grocery cart . Today , she decided that even the back of the basket was not a good fit - therefore she had her first " unrestrained " shopping outing . I guess I should be thankful that she lasted this long - I mean , how many seven year olds still ride in the cart , but I wasn 't ready . We needed to go to the store to finish up a few Father 's Day things , and she did pretty well , until we hit the card section . Really I can 't blame her though . I hated standing around while my mom read nearly every card in the display , looking for the perfect one . Round about the third time she wanted to climb up into the cart and out again , I grabbed the nearest card that looked pretty good and we moved on ( sorry Papa ) . Next we needed a frame , which happened to be right across the aisle from a great big door mirror . This was wonderful while I hemmed and hawed over which frame would be just right , but when I was ready to move on , Abby was not . She was mid - groove and she didn 't want to stop . So thinking that she might come if I moved on , I slipped out of sight and waited . Well , she did notice I was gone , but she went running off in the opposite direction to find me . So , leaving my cart ( with my purse ) I went after my " marble " and chased her down . She was a little ticked at this point and so she pulled a " wet - noodle " on me and went down like a sack of potatoes . With a promise to head down the doll aisle if she was good we got moving again . This time to the photo section . It was after our order was placed that I realized now was the time to make a run for the Barbie district . Once she had her treasure she was much better , but she was a little distracted . I had to make sure to keep one eye on her and one on where I was pushing the cart because there were numerous times that she nearly plowed into a display because she was too busy looking at the doll she 'd gotten . I 'm sure I sounded like a broken record - " Abby , come on . This way Abby . Abby . . . Abby . . . Abigail . . . over here . Stay with Mama , Abby . " and on it went . I think that everyone in that store knew her name by the time we left . Today 's highlight was The Pool ! The other day while I was at the store I picked up a " family size " pool that was " easy " to set up in " 15 minutes or less " . I had to laugh last night as Jason spent about two hours inflating that thing ( apparently our pump isn 't heavy duty ) , and then it took about an hour this morning to fill it with water - easy , right ? Not so much . It all paid off though when I took Abby out this afternoon . I 'd hoped that the water had had enough time to warm up - it didn 't . I have to hand it to Abby , though because despite the cold , she forged ahead , she wasn 't going to miss a chance to swim for anything . I had come out armed with a book ( which I never opened ) and my camera ( which I did use ) , so I will let the pictures speak for themselves . We began the day heading off to school , me for meetings and Abby to play . She was rather excited because besides the fact that she would get to play with " her kids " ( the term she uses for any of her group of friends ) , it was field trip day . They were heading off to do some bowling . Now , if you know Abby at all you will think , Bowling ? She went bowling ? Isn 't that a bit loud for her ? , and I would respond in the affirmative . But , she 's been doing so well lately , and this isn 't her first time in a bowling alley , so I knew that she would be just fine . I 'm happy to report that I was right . Besides , the skinned knees from falling in the parking lot ( what would summer be without skinned knees ? ) , she had a blast filling her tummy with pizza and getting her first spare ! I would have loved to have seen that . She spent the rest of the afternoon playing while I finished up some work and ran a couple of errands . In fact , we 'd both had such a good day that I decided we needed a treat . So , while Abby sucked on the popsicle I 'd used to lure her out to the car , I drove to get myself a coffee . Now , it seems that Abby has come to the belief that every drive - thru window offers french fries , because as we pulled up she yelled out that she was hungry for fries . I was able to convince her that they didn 't have fries , but she wasn 't being put off - therefore it was a coffee for me , and a strawberry - banana smoothie for her . After pulling her out of the car ( yes , I had to l - i - t - e - r - a - l - l - y , pull her out of the car by her feet ) we ended up on the couch together . She 'd told me she was hungry for a hot dog ( which she wouldn 't have been if she 'd had more than three sips of that smoothie - oh well ) , but I was too tired to get going on that right away , and since I hadn 't seen her all day , I wanted to spend a few quiet moments with her . I laid on the couch and she snuggled right up next to me , pressed her nose to mine , and smiled . That was it , that simple gesture got to me . Soon she couldn 't take it any more and she started laughing . My first thought was , I need to record this so everyone can hear what a great laugh she has , but then I stared laughing , and before long we couldn 't stop . It was one great giggle - fest . I was blowing raspberries on her arm , and then she was doing that on mine - and you know what ? I 'd forgotten how much they really do tickle . She thought it was so funny to make mom laugh . It wasn 't long before our cackling got Bruiser to howling , which resulted in more laughs . You should have heard the noise we all were making - and it was wonderful . Today I had a wonderful reminder of how completely normal Abby is . This morning Abby had a play - date with her teacher 's daughter - her teacher 's twenty - something , college graduate daughter . Mrs . C had to come in to school for a meeting , and her daughter , Chelsae was so charmed with Abby when they went on a field trip together , that she expressed an interest in hanging out if I ever needed a day off . The original plan was to send Abby and Chelsae to the park to play while I stayed home and cleaned the house . . . . but . . . . then I thought it would be the perfect time to meet up with a friend for lunch . Oh , and I 'd really wanted to run a few errands too . So , as usually happens , the cleaning got pushed to the side . I dropped Abby off at her school so they could play on the playground and brought her bike , in case they wanted to take a walk . Abby was excited , but as I got back in the car and was ready to drive off , I could see the confusion in her face . It was certainly a , " Wait , what 's happening here ? " kind of a look , but Ms . Chelsae swept in and I drove off knowing that Abby would have a blast . It was on those errands that I " had " to do that I met a young man and his grandmother . Well , I didn 't actually meet them in the formal sense of the word , but they walked in just behind me and checked out in front of me . They were also the couple that I kept running into as I wandered the store . Does that ever happen to you ? Where you keep meeting up with the same people on a trip to the store ? Anyway , I got to hear their conversations and each time I had to smile . Let me share them with you . With each encounter my smile got wider - not because Andrew was a cute little stinker that was giving Grandma a run for her money , but because every time I saw them , their conversations and interactions could have been Abby and me . I felt like I was watching the two of us on a shopping trip . This just drove home the fact that Abby is totally and completely normal - and I thought that was great ! We have always been dog people . There have been very few years that we 've been married that we didn 't have a dog . Over the years we & . . . It has been quite a while since my last post . Life continues to be all kinds of crazy and days have a way of giving way to the next . Soon we . . . Once upon a time , not that long ago , a puppy was born . He was a sweet puppy with great big paws and beautiful golden eyes . Despite the gentl . . . |
All that morning I had watched the storm gathering over the mountains . By early afternoon , when I bundled myself into an old coat and went out to check doors and gates , it had already swept right across the valley . It was as though I was looking out at an over - exposed still from a black and white film , everything was either too vivid white or jagged black . The only colour , indeed the only movement , was across the valley where one of the trucks they had blown up during the night still blazed . It must have carried fuel of some sort . From here I could see a bright pinpoint of red and a black , oily plume that was already merging into the leaden sky . I checked my watch , then went back inside to sit by the kitchen window with a favourite book I didn 't read much . Little over an hour later I heard a gate slamming in the wind . I pulled on my still damp coat and went to latch it shut once more , then took a moment to lean on the top bar and look at the tracks already disappearing under fresh snow . The wind was even stronger now , but I could see nothing else moving . The voice that answered was quiet , barely more than a whisper , and seemed to me to carry an ineffable sadness . ' Pierre said . ' He went no further . I waited a moment , then nodded . Two men followed me into the stone - flagged kitchen . The younger went immediately to the old stove . The older , the owner of the sad voice , took a moment to stand in the doorway and check the room out carefully , then he looked outside once more and shut and bolted the door . ' Please . ' The younger man spoke for the first time , his voice hoarse as if he had difficulty forming the word . I had a close look at him as I got the pot off the stove . He had a thin , sharp - featured face , with lips so pale they almost disappeared , shadows under the eyes and a sweaty sheen on his forehead . He moved to make room for me , and winced . The older man regarded me for a moment , then bowed ever so slightly . ' But we need a place to stay . A couple of days at least . ' I looked out of the window . The sky , still heavy with snow , was now so dark it was getting impossible to tell whether it was day or night . ' The Germans won 't be here before morning , not in this . But they will come . ' ' I know that , ' the older man repeated . His face was thin and deeply lined . In the warm light of the kitchen I would guess he was in his fifties , perhaps a little older . He took a cup of thick , black coffee from me and sipped it appreciatively . Our coats were already beginning to steam . The kitchen was filled with the smell of damp wool and coffee . He sniffed , and his eyes narrowed in a faint smile . ' It 's good sometimes to remember . ' He finished the coffee , set the cup down carefully on the table , and slowly unbuttoned his coat . The mismatched jacket and trousers underneath had long since seen better days . ' I take your point , ' he said . ' But still , memory does hold its elusive treasures . ' ' I know a place you can stay , ' I said , surprising myself . ' It 's not far from here , but I don 't think the Germans will find it . We should go , ' I checked the sky once more , ' maybe an hour , when it 's fully dark . If your friend is up to it . ' He looked at me shrewdly for a moment , then went over to the younger man who now seemed to be asleep . ' He 'll be fine . He 's tougher than he looks . ' There was real tenderness in his voice . ' Since this war began . What 's that ? Two years ? Three years ? He 's saved my life . I do the same for him . ' There was a long history carried as much in the unemphatic quietness of his voice as in the words themselves . ' Me ? ' He looked surprised . He nursed his cup , looking down at the stone floor . ' Me , ' he repeated , as if the question had taken him a long way away , ' I 'm dead . ' I didn 't know what to say . There was nothing I could say . Was this some curious joke ? But his expression , when at last he looked up at me , was deeply unhappy . ' The last foolish attempt to end all wars , ' he said , and there was no hint of bitterness in his voice . ' 1914 . I was listed as killed within weeks of joining up . When I found out it seemed , ' he paused as if searching for exactly the right word , ' sensible to stay that way . Besides , there was something I wanted to find , and it freed me up for the search . ' It was time to move on . I carefully washed the cups my visitors had used and hung them in their place on the rack , but I left my own cup beside the sink . Then I found a sack and stuffed a loaf of bread and some cheese into it . Meanwhile the dead man , as it seemed appropriate to term him , gently woke his companion . The younger man got stiffly to his feet , swayed for a moment then nodded grimly . He looked , if anything , paler than before . To take the sack he had to come close to the window . As he did he noticed the book I 'd been trying to read earlier . He froze , very deliberately turning his head away so I couldn 't see his expression . It was a matter of seconds only before he turned back to me with a false smile and seized the sack of food . Neither of us said anything . I picked the book up and slipped it into its place on the shelf . Then I went round the room , checking for any signs they might have left . Satisfied at last I went out and found them sheltering under the overhanging roof of a barn I 'd never got around to repairing . The younger man leaned back against the wooden wall , but the older was keenly watching the gate that led out to the road . ' Not even the Boche will be out on a night like this , ' I said under my breath as I went back past the barn . ' With any luck . Come on , we go this way . ' I led them across the yard , along a narrow track that edged one of my fields , and into the woods . The fresh snow , already beginning to freeze , crunched loudly underfoot . With the wind , it was the only sound . The temperature had fallen dramatically while we were inside , and the fierce wind made it seem even colder . My coat , already growing heavy with the snow crusted around its skirts , felt inadequate for the conditions , and my two companions were if anything even more poorly dressed . Fortunately , as we got further into the woods we got some shelter from the wind . Here , too , I felt I could risk using my torch , at least in the roughest spots . We followed a shallow gulley then had to descend a steep slope beside what , in warmer months , was a pretty little waterfall . Even in the best of times this was not an easy track , but now , under snow and ice , it became punishing . Just once , at about the half - way point , the younger man cried out . We stopped , held our perilous positions unsteadily , and gazed wildly around for any response . Then I lost my footing and slithered the rest of the way down the slope . The other two almost immediately followed and we landed in a wet and untidy heap at the bottom . The older man instantly had a hand over his companion 's mouth in case the other might scream in pain , but though the younger man 's eyes were wide , his features pulled into a rictus , he made no sound . And I realised the older man suddenly had a pistol in his hand . He saw my expression and leaned towards me . ' If they catch me , I 'm dead anyway . I might as well take some of them with me . ' I looked at the still forest that surrounded us . The slope above us looked more like a miniature avalanche had struck than that three people had descended . There were no animal noises . The wind had died down . There was a cathedral - like calm about us . I turned back , facing the gun not the man . ' How many ways are there for you to be dead ? ' He thought about that for a while , then shrugged . ' I haven 't counted . ' But he made the gun disappear inside his coat . ' We should be moving . ' But it took a while for the younger man to get back on his feet , and he had to lean heavily on his companion . I noticed how violently he was shivering . Fortunately the way was easier for a while , along a narrow valley floor , and the heavy clouds had broken up enough for a bright moon to occasionally light our way . But then we had a long , steady upward climb , not difficult but tiring , and we had to halt several times to give the younger man a chance to catch his breath . As we neared the shoulder of the hill , however , it was the older man who more often called for a rest . When we stopped for the fourth or fifth time , a little below the brow , I asked if he was all right . ' Of course , I 'm fine , ' he said quickly , but he wouldn 't meet my eyes . After a pause he continued , ' No . I don 't know . There 's something , call it intuition , a presentiment , but I feel something is waiting . ' Another pause , then he said , more firmly , ' No , this is ridiculous . Come on , let 's get moving . ' ' This way , ' I said , indicating how the track curved around the shoulder of the hill and led down the other side . It was easier going now ; the track had once been a road , and though there was little evidence remaining now , the surface was more even , the slope more gentle than we had so far experienced . The younger man seemed to become stronger , as if he could sense our destination was within reach , but the older started to hang back again . I could tell he was peering ahead , trying to spot what lay before us , but I knew that even in broad daylight the old house was hidden by the trees until you were almost at the door . The house had been finally abandoned at least twenty years before , but even before that old trees had been allowed to grow tall all around it so that we couldn 't even make out a silhouette . Nevertheless he didn 't take his eyes off it . ' Where is this place ? ' ' From all I hear , the family lost their money before the last war . My farm was part of their estate originally , but they 'd gone long before I moved here . I never knew them . ' ' Their name ? No , it doesn 't matter , it 's the wrong place . Has to be . It doesn 't make sense for it to be here . ' His face was shadowed , I couldn 't make out any expression . But the sadness I had first heard in his voice was even more noticeable . The younger man had trudged a short way ahead of us , but he stopped now and turned to look back . ' Please … ' he said . At that the older man rushed to his side and put an arm around him as if to stop him falling . The approach road led between the crumbling remains of a low wall . There might once have been a gate here , but there was no sign of it now . Water gurgled invisibly through a culvert somewhere below our feet . Cobbles underfoot were the first sign that we had reached the courtyard . One end of the house on our left had fallen down and a structure only gradually acquired substance out of the rubble . There was a low building ahead of us , a continuation of the house that had once contained the kitchen , and to our left were what had probably once been stables . I led them towards the kitchen , the most complete part of the house , but the older man touched my arm lightly . ' No , ' he said , ' up there . ' He gestured towards what I had assumed were stables . ' There are rooms , at least there 's a room , up on the first floor . ' He sensed me tensing and his hand on my arm tightened . ' No , it 's all right . At least … it doesn 't make sense … I 've never been here , but I know the place , I know there 's a room up there . ' There was a small door in the corner . It was unlocked , opening outwards to reveal a narrow flight of steep wooden steps disappearing into darkness . I risked using my torch ; the stairs were whole and grey under years of undisturbed dust . I tried the first step , it held . I climbed slowly , my back pressed against the rough stone wall , trying to divide my attention equally between the door at the top of the stairs and the two vague figures just visible in the open doorway below me . The fourth step creaked . I froze , listened ; I could hear planes drifting past lazily far overhead but no other sound . I tried the next step . Two other stairs creaked without obviously disturbing anything , though once I heard a scittering that was probably a rat . When I reached the door at the top of the stairs I realised I had been holding my breath . I paused , tried to breathe slow and deep for a few moments . The position of the door meant that when I opened it I would be plainly visible to anyone in the room . For a moment I considered going back down and insisting we went to the kitchen area which I knew , part of me was still certain there was a trap awaiting me inside the room . Then , in one sudden motion that allowed no second thoughts , I shoved the door open . Realising how much I was shaking , I got warily to my feet and , because there wasn 't much point in further secrecy , shone my torch into the room . It was empty . The bare wooden floor looked sound . There was a narrow bed , still covered with a tattered cloth , pushed against the far wall . A table , with a single chair , stood under the shuttered window . A few boxes were scattered across the floor as if someone had begun to pack things away and then left in a hurry . I called down to my two companions , ' Come on up . ' Then I continued my exploration . The shutters on the window were closed , but a couple of slats had fallen from them , it would be easy to see out , not so easy to see in . I played my torch across the roof beams , I could see no obvious holes . I was a little concerned , though maybe also relieved , that there were no obvious hiding or defensive places in the room , but then with luck they wouldn 't be needed . The younger man came in first , his face so drawn his breathing so laboured that I was surprised he had been able to climb the stairs . I immediately grabbed his arm and led him over to the bed . I 'd had no chance to check whether it was damp , or even solid , but right now he just needed to sleep and that was the best bet . The bed held under him . ' All these years , ' I said over my shoulder to the older man , ' and I never even knew this room was here . ' I turned . He was standing in the doorway staring into the room with an expression that at first I thought was one of simple dread . Only later , as I recalled the scene , did I realise there was something else underlying the dread , something that might have been wonder or even joy . I 'm not sure how much he could see of the room . Other than my torch the only light came from the moon reflecting on snow and filtering through the closed but broken shutters . Yet it seemed the whole room was presented to him in all its detail . No , I was being fanciful . I shone my torch in his face , dazzling him . He blinked and seemed as if he was waking up . ' Maybe it wasn 't here , ' he replied , answering my previous question . ' Maybe it 's only here , now , for this moment . ' He placed a curious , bitter emphasis on the word ' here ' . ' Did I ? But I 've never been here before . Not here . It 's the wrong place . ' He gave a snort that may have been a laugh . ' The wrong time . It 's too late now , how can I … ' He looked wildly around . ' How can I … ' ' It 's a good place , ' I said . ' Safe , dry , you 've got food , ' I indicated the sack the older man had dropped just inside the doorway . ' You should have plenty of warning if anyone comes near , but this place is out of the way enough that probably no - one will . You should be okay for a day or two at least . And I 'll be back when I know it 's safe . ' I went up close to him , my upturned torch giving his face a demonic look . ' I don 't know what this place is to you , what you are or are not remembering , but this isn 't the time . You need to stay here and now , there 's too much depending on it . Your friend … ' I let the sentence trail away . He looked across at the sleeping man . ' It was always going to be like this , ' he said , and his voice had the deep sadness I had first heard … was it only a few hours before . ' You spend your life - waste your life , really - looking for something . And when you find it , it 's the wrong place , the wrong time , there are other demands , and ' he shook his head , raised a stubby finger to rub at his cheek ' and you 're no longer sure what it means any more . ' I turned off my torch , made my way carefully to the top of the steps . ' Look after your friend , ' I said . It felt awkward saying it , but somehow I had to remind him why he was in this place which had such a strange effect on him . Something made me hesitate a moment longer , but I knew I couldn 't stay . He followed me down the stairs . At the bottom , as I peered cautiously out into the courtyard we realised it had started snowing again . ' Good , ' I said , ' that should help cover our prints . ' I looked closely at him in the milky moonlight . He grabbed my hand . ' Thank you , ' he said . ' I 'm sorry for how I behaved . I was just taken by surprise , I suppose . But we do appreciate all you 've done . And I don 't even know your name . ' He smiled , and I suddenly realised how easy it would be to fall under his spell . I pulled my hand from his grasp . ' I must go . Take care . ' I took a different route home , shorter and easier but more exposed . Even so , it wasn 't much more than an hour before sunrise when I reached the house . The snow had stopped again , though there had been enough to obscure our prints . Nevertheless I took some time to walk back and forth around the place , opening and closing gates , checking locks , and in the process making sure that nobody else had visited the farm during the night . Only then did I go back into the warmth of my kitchen , make myself a coffee , and settle down to wait . The Germans arrived a little before ten , a dozen men struggling miserably up the road . I needn 't have gone to such trouble to erase any tracks from the night before , within moments they had stamped down the snow enough to cover any traces . They hammered on my door and I took my time answering , then stood back as they pushed past me and into the rest of the house . Their leader appeared to be a short , dark - haired corporal who was trying to act tough though I could see he wasn 't long out of his teens . If they really expected to run into resistance fighters on this side of the valley , surely they 'd have sent a bigger patrol ? I looked up startled as something crashed in my bedroom overhead . The bed had not been slept in . Would they have the wit to notice ? ' Can I help you ? ' I said . During the morning I 'd tried to school myself in how they might expect a genuinely innocent man to react in these circumstances , but in the event I got an appropriate level of nervousness , surprise and uncertainty into my voice without even trying . ' Of course . I 'm a farmer , there are always things to do on a farm . Even at this time of year , especially in this sort of weather . I was out before dawn checking for damage . If you have men searching the abandoned byre over the way there , tell them to be careful , I 'm not sure it 's safe any more . Now , can I get something for you and your men ? Coffee ? It 's not very good , you understand . But you must be freezing . And tell me about these criminals . How do I spot them ? What should I do ? ' The corporal ignored the offer of coffee . He held out a small , creased photograph . It was a head and shoulders shot from perhaps ten years before , to judge from the clothes , and although he was fleshier it was clearly the younger of my two visitors . I shook my head and looked up expectantly . ' His name is Henri Dumont , a petty thief from Paris . He is now reported to be in this area . He could be dangerous . If you see him tell the military authorities straight away . ' ' The second man , yes . He is , we think , more dangerous . There is no photograph . He goes by the name of Meaulnes . ' Then , seeing my expression , he added quickly , ' You know this man ? ' ' No . It 's just … look . ' I picked up the book I 'd resumed reading that morning . ' It 's a novel , from before the last war . The author was killed in 1914 . Just an odd coincidence , don 't you think ? ' The corporal snatched the book from my hand , staring at it as if it might be guilty of whatever atrocities my older visitor had committed . Then he looked around at his men . ' Anything ? ' There was a general muttering and shaking of heads . He looked at me and I thought for a moment he was going to arrest me , but he just said , ' Okay , let 's move on . ' For a long time I didn 't move . They had left the door ajar . An icy wind swept into the kitchen . I could hear a gate creak and slam , creak and slam . After a while I realised I was shaking , though I wasn 't sure why . I tried to pour myself a coffee , but my hands were trembling and I just spilled it . Then I sat down , gripping the sides of the chair as if it would disappear from under me . The man who called himself Meaulnes had been reported killed in 1914 and was now searching for something , something he seemed to have found in the abandoned house in the next valley . No ! This was ridiculous , an idle fancy born of fear and too little sleep . I dragged on my coat and went out to shut the gate , then I returned to my kitchen , locked the door and added more wood to the stove . Then I sat down and unthinkingly reached for my book . It wasn 't there , of course , and in that moment I wanted to howl like a wounded animal . It was after dark when I decided it was safe to go out again . I 'd had a little sleep , huddled by my kitchen stove , but far from being rested I felt more tired , more on edge , than ever . The day had been bright and clear , the snow had started to melt but was now freezing again . I trudged through the icy woods , falling frequently but climbing back to my feet and plodding on with a sullen obstinacy that paid no heed to my surroundings . Only when I rounded the shoulder of the hill and started down the gentler slope into the next valley did a natural wariness take over . I felt as the older man - as Meaulnes - must have done , approaching a place that was both irresistible and frightening at the same time . No , the place wasn 't frightening , it was discovering a dream that scared me . I went more and more slowly , eventually coming to a halt just above the covered culvert where it became possible to make out the shape of the buildings . There was no light , no sound , no sign of movement . A dark shadow against an only slightly paler sky , it looked as it had always looked . There was nothing magical , nothing dreamlike about this ruined house . I shook my head as if shaking away the nonsense and walked boldly into the courtyard , deliberately making a noise to alert the two resistance fighters in the room above the stable . The door was in the dark corner where the older man had pointed it out , and it opened easily onto a familiar flight of stairs . The steps groaned and sent out little puffs of dust around my feet as if I hadn 't been here less than twenty - four hours before . At the top of the steps I paused , not sure what to do next . Did I call out and alert a possible enemy who might have found the place ? Did I march boldly in and find myself on the wrong end of Meaulnes ' pistol ? When I 'd left here we had agreed no passwords , no secret knocks , no protocols for my return . I suppose I had imagined it would be in daylight and they would have seen my approach clearly . In the end there seemed to be nothing else I could do except open the door and step into the darkened room . A mouse ran across my feet . Nothing else moved . Only now did I think to turn on my torch . The room was as empty as it had been the night before , except for the thin figure propped up on the old bed and squinting into the light . I turned the beam on my face . I played the torchlight more slowly about the room . The dilapidated shutters were still closed , the desk and boxes stood as they had . The chair had been moved closer to the bed . There were footprints in the dust of the floor , but it was impossible to make sense of them . I went to sit in the chair by the sick man . The torchlight emphasised the hollows of his face , making him look more gaunt and ghastly . His flesh was pale , his eyes flickered towards me but didn 't seem to focus . A tip of grey tongue pushed between his thin lips and disappeared . He was silent for a long time then . It was difficult to tell in the torchlight how ill he really was . His breathing seemed calm , I thought for a moment he 'd drifted off to sleep . Then he said , slowly as if speaking itself was painful , ' I was so hot . Alban put his coat over me and I tried to throw it off because I was so hot , but he wouldn 't let me . I think I was hallucinating . At one time I heard music , laughter . Alban stayed with me . He said he had to make sure I got well . But I could tell he was restless , he wanted to go and find where the music was coming from . So I think he must have heard it too . ' ' He waited with me . He wanted to be sure I 'd get well . He saved my life once , you know . After that , he always said he was responsible for me . But when he knew the fever had broken he left all the food and water with me . He said there was someone he was looking forward to meeting again . ' I knew I was going to have to spend several days , risk discovery and who knows what danger , to tend Henri . But I also knew he was going to live . And Alban , who had called himself Meaulnes , was not going to return . But now , while the younger man slept , there was time to look around the place . I slipped quietly down the stairs . The ruin of the house was dark and silent . The party had moved on . I would not find it here , now . But maybe , in years to come , I would find it somewhere else , if I kept looking . Henri - Alban Fournier used the pen - name Alain - Fournier for his one novel , Le Grand Meaulnes , published in 1913 . In 1914 he was killed in the first month of the war . He was not quite 28 . His body was only identified in 1991 . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
When I think about New Year 's Eve , I think about pots and pans . Not for cooking . For banging and clanging and raising a ruckus . It was a tradition at our house , as much a part of our annual New Year 's Eve celebration as the non - alcoholic " champagne " we drank to toast the New Year ( in plastic champagne glasses , of course ) and watching on TV while that big ball came down over Times Square in New York . Dick Clark would count down the last seconds of the old year , we would all shout " Happy New Year ! " at the appropriate moment , Mom would make her way around the room kissing everybody and then we would go outside and pound on pots and pans and make all kinds of noise . To be honest , I never cared for non - alcoholic champagne - - my taste always ran more toward Dr Pepper . The magic of the big ball coming down on Times Square evaporated as soon as I figured out it had actually happened two hours earlier . Mom 's kisses were . . . well . . . Mom 's kisses . But going outside in the middle of the night to pound on pots and pans and make noise . . . now , that was something . Pot - pounding was generally frowned upon , even in the middle of the day . And doing it outside for all the world to hear . . . well , it simply wasn 't done . Except on New Year 's Eve . And that made New Year 's Eve special , although I wasn 't exactly sure why . " I don 't get it , " I said to Mom one New Year 's Day . " We don 't go outside and pound on pots and pans on Christmas Eve or Thanksgiving . We don 't do it on Easter or on birthdays . The only time we do anything like it is when we set off fireworks on the Fourth of July , and I know why we do that . But I don 't know why we pound on pans on New Year 's Eve . " Mom gave me that why - didn 't - I - stop - after - seven - children look . As a parent myself , I finally understand where that look comes from : not having any idea of the answer to the question . But as anyone who ever played cards with her knows , Mom was a master bluffer . " It 's an ancient . . . Indian . . . tradition , " she said , forgetting for a moment that early Native Americans probably didn 't have many pPosted by A wise woman who was traveling in the mountains found a precious stone in a stream . The next day , she met another traveler who was hungry and the wise man opened her bag to share her food . The hungry traveler saw the precious stone in the wise woman 's bag and admire it and asked the woman to give it to him . The wise woman did so without hesitation . The traveler left , rejoicing in his good fortune . He knew the jewel was worth enough to give him security for the rest of his life . But a few days later he came back , searching for the wise woman . When he found her , he returned the stone and said , " I have been thinking . I know how valuable this stone is , but I give it back to you in the hope that you can give me something much more precious . If you can , give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone . - AUTHOR UNKNOWN - The Guy in the Glass ( aka - The Man In The Glass ) By : Dale WimbrowWhen you get what you want in your struggle for pelf , And the world makes you King for a day , Then go to the mirror and look at yourself , And see what that guy has to say . For it isn 't your Father , or Mother , or Wife , Who judgement upon you must pass . The feller whose verdict counts most in your lifeIs the guy staring back from the glass . He 's the feller to please , never mind all the rest , For he 's with you clear up to the end , And you 've passed your most dangerous , difficult testIf the guy in the glass is your friend . You may be like Jack Horner and " chisel " a plum , And think you 're a wonderful guy , But the man in the glass says you 're only a bumIf you can 't look him straight in the eye . You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years , And get pats on the back as you pass , But your final reward will be heartaches and tearsIf you 've cheated the guy in the glassThis poem was previously known as " Man in the Glass " . The correct title is " The Guy in the Glass " and was written by Peter " Dale " Wimbrow Sr . , ( 1895 - 1954 ) . The copyright information is in The American Magazine which was published in 1934 . Once when I was a teenager , my father and I were standing in line to buy tickets for the circus . Finally , there was only one family between us and the ticket counter . This family made a big impression on me . There were eight children , all probably under the age of 12 . You could tell they didn 't have a lot of money . Their clothes were not expensive , but they were clean . The children were well - behaved , all of them standing in line , two - by - two behind their parents , holding hands . They were excitedly jabbering about the clowns , elephants and other acts they would see that night . One could sense they had never been to the circus before . It promised to be a highlight of their young lives . The father and mother were at the head of the pack standing proud as could be . The mother was holding her husband 's hand , looking up at him as if to say , " You 're my knight in shining armor . " He was smiling and basking in pride , looking at her as if to reply , " You got that right . " The ticket lady asked the father how many tickets he wanted . He proudly responded , " Please let me buy eight children 's tickets and two adult tickets so I can take my family to the circus . " The ticket lady quoted the price . The man 's wife let go of his hand , her head dropped , the man 's lip began to quiver . The father leaned a little closer and asked , " How much did you say ? " The ticket lady again quoted the price . The man didn 't have enough money . How was he supposed to turn and tell his eight kids that he didn 't have enough money to take them to the circus ? Seeing what was going on , my dad put his hand into his pocket , pulled out a $ 20 bill and dropped it on the ground . ( We were not wealthy in any sense of the word ! ) My father reached down , picked up the bill , tapped the man on the shoulder and said , " Excuse me , sir , this fell out of your pocket . " The man knew what was going on . He wasn 't begging for a handout but certainly appreciated the help in a desperate , heartbreaking , embarrassing situation . He looked straight into my dad 's eyes , took my dad 's hand in both of hPosted by After a car accident put me into the hospital , I felt very angry about a lot of the way my life was turning out . The doctors repaired the major damage done to my body . And after all , the car was just that , a car . But I was laying there feeling pretty sorry for myself . I didn 't care to see anyone or talk to anyone . I had been there about a week , the nurses had been good about leaving my door closed . But one bright morning I was awakened by sounds of people out in the hallway . Since I was still feeling sorry for myself , I didn 't wake up in a pleasant mood . As I pushed the button to call the nurse , I saw a little boy in the hallway . A cast completely covered his arm , from fingers to shoulder . His face was covered with a smile . In his other hand he was holding a teddy bear . I heard his mother telling him to sit and wait until she was done . He looked over to me and I had the permanent scowl on my face , but he smiled at me . Then without warning he came running into my room . As I was silently cursing the nurses for leaving my door open , the smile upon his face widened . He came right up next to my bed and stood there smiling at me . Then with his good arm he held out his big brown teddy bear . It was missing an eye but I had to admit it was cute . I layed there and stared at him for the longest time . Not knowing what he was wanting from me . He said , " This is Teddy . He 's still sick . He needs to stay here . Could you keep him here till he gets better ? " I reached out and took Teddy from his hand . I promised I would take care of Teddy until the time he got better . I also promised to keep him from harm afterwards . Just then the little boy 's mother called to him . He looked back at me and said , " Bye mister , bye Teddy " and ran out of the room . His mother smiled down at him and the nurse wheeled him away . I sat there hugging Teddy for the longest time . The nurse responded to my call just in time to catch the tears rolling down my cheeks and the biggest smile on my face . I will never forget what that little boy gave to me that day . It was so Posted by Once upon a time - so long ago that everybody has forgotten the date - in a city in the north of Europe - with such a hard name that nobody can ever remember it . There was a little seven - year - old boy named Wolff , whose parents were dead , who lived with a cross and stingy old aunt , who never thought of kissing him more than once a year and who sigheddeeply whenever she gave him a bowlful of soup . But the poor little fellow had such a sweet nature that in spite of everything , he loved the old woman , although he was terribly afraid of her and could never look at her ugly old face without shivering . As this aunt of little Wolff was known to have a house of her own and an old woollen stocking full of gold , she had not dared to send the boy to a charity school ; but , in order to get a reduction in the price , she had so wrangled with the master of the school , to which little Wolff finally went , that this bad man , vexed at having a pupil so poorly dressed and paying so little , often punished him unjustly , and evenprejudiced his companions against him , so that the three boys , all sons of rich parents , made a drudge and laughing stock of the little fellow . The poor little one was thus as wretched as a child could be and used to hide himself in corners to weep whenever Christmas time came . It was the schoolmaster 's custom to take all his pupils to the midnight mass on Christmas Eve , and to bring them home again afterward . Now , as the winter this year was very bitter , and as heavy snow had been falling for several days , all the boys came well bundled up in warm clothes , with fur caps pulled over their ears , padded jackets , gloves and knitted mittens , and strong , thick - soled boots . Only little Wolff presented himself shivering in the poor clothes he used to wear both weekdays and Sundays and having on his feet only thin socks in heavy wooden shoes . His naughty companions noticing his sad face and awkward appearance , made many jokes at his expense ; but the little fellow was so busy blowing on his fingers , and was suffering so much Posted by On a December night in Chicago , a little girl climbed onto her father 's lap and asked a question . It was a simple question , asked in children 's curiosity , yet it had a heart - rending effect on Robert May . " Daddy , " four - year old Barbara asked , " Why isn 't my Mommy just like everybody else 's mommy ? " Bob May stole a glance across his shabby two room apartment . On a couch lay his young wife , Evelyn , racked with cancer . For two years she had been bedridden ; for two years , all Bob 's income and smaller savings had gone to pay for treatments and medicines . The terrible ordeal already had shattered two adult lives . Now Bob suddenly realized the happiness of his growing daughter was also in jeopardy . As he ran his fingers through Barbara 's hair , he prayed for some satisfactory answer to her question . Bob May knew only too well what it meant to be " different . " As a child he had been weak and delicate . With the innocent cruelty of children , his playmates had continually goaded the stunted , skinny lad to tears . Later at Dartmouth , from which he was graduated in 1926 , Bob May was so small that he was always being mistaken for someone 's little brother . Nor was his adult life much happier . Unlike many of his classmates who floated from college into plush jobs , Bob became a lowly copy writer for Montgomery Ward , the big Chicago mail order house . Now at 33 , Bob was deep in debt , depressed and sad . Although Bob did not know it at the time , the answer he gave the tousled haired child on his lap was to bring him to fame and fortune . It was also to bring joy to countless thousands of children like his own Barbara . On that December night in the shabby Chicago apartment , Bob cradled his little girl 's head against his shoulder and began to tell a story . " Once upon a time there was a reindeer named Rudolph , the only reindeer in the world that had a big red nose . Naturally people called him Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer . " As Bob went on to tell about Rudolph , he tried desperately to communicate to Barbara the knowledge that , even though some creatPosted by Hesitating , the first snow flakes fell . It was one day before Christmas . There was this small house in front of a big forest , which was breathing quietness . Just every now and then , two rabbits disturbed the peace and quietness . They seemed to be searching for something between the dead leaves . Inside , a man stared through the window , as if he was waiting for something . Except for the man , there were two other people in the small room . They were his daughters in the age of fifteen and seventeen , who were both reading . The youngest one was called Mary and the oldest Leslie . They were both of the dreaming type , this unlike their father who , being a lumberjack , could not see any good in dreaming . Quite often , it bothered him that his daughters were reading . This was not in the first place because he could barely read himself but because books were expensive and he did not make a lot . Every once and a while Leslie spoke up by pointing out that they read used books but this did not mean much to the poorly educated lumberjack . ' Dad , could we please go for an evening walk ? ' Leslie asked . The lumberjack growled a bit and then nodded . Meanwhile , it was snowing considerably and so the girls dressed accordingly . To make sure that they would not get lost , they took the familiar path , which ran along the wood . To go into the wood itself , was even now for an experienced trapper risky . As more snow fell , the evening became lighter . Mary and Leslie continued in silence . They both had the same thought : their mother who had died a year ago because of terrible fever . So their father 's behaviour was understandable . When the girls were already at quite a distance from their home , rather suddenly the wind increased . The sisters got a startle out of this because they knew very well what this could mean . They looked at each other but there was no need for words and they returned . However , a return was out of the question because soon they lost their way . Leslie got overwhelmed by fear and started to cry . Mary tried to comfort her older sister . Posted by December is the busiest time of the year . Everyone 's busy preparing for the holidays and continuing family traditions . Has it ever crossed your mind , as to how many really stop and think what Christmas is all about ? Are we teaching our children the true meaning of Christmas or how many gifts need to be bought ? If we have taught our children the true meaning of Christmas , what we 've instilled in them will be carried into generations to come . I like to see families create traditions all year long . After all , the original gift to all of us here on earth , was given from His heart . For through our hearts , one single gift of kindness , can touch an endless amount of hearts forever . This is a story about a child that saw the importance of giving and never thought about giving up . Some may think a child isn 't old enough to carry enough wisdom to teach us all a lesson in living . But I 've learned a heart grows from life 's many challenges and sometimes a child 's challenges can be far greater than some adults . We met a little girl seven years ago , during one of my daughter 's occasional hospital stays . Her name was Beth and she was my daughter 's room mate for a week . Beth was a very happy girl despite her medical problems she was facing . Her long blonde curls always seemed to bounce with her smile . The girls got to know each other well and had become good friends . On the pediatric floor of the hospital , we saw many seriously ill children . It was so sad , even though my daughter had an uncurable kidney disease and not a very good chance of living to see old age herself . We always saw many children with all kinds of cancer , and sadly enough Beth was one of those children . She was doing two weeks of chemo and radiation . I was amazed at her will and determination to never give up despite how very sick her treatments made her . She was always concerned about my daughter and the other children with cancer she grew to know over her many hospital stays . My daughter 's IV treatments were done after a week and I was happy to Posted by It 's just a small , white envelope stuck among the branches of our Christmas tree . No name , no identification , no inscription . It has peeked through the branches of our tree at this time of the year for the past 10 years or so . It all began because my husband Mike hated Christmas . Oh , not the true meaning of Christmas , but the commercial aspects of it . You know , the overspending , the frantic running around at the last minute to get a tie for Uncle Harry and the dusting powder for Grandma , the gifts given in desperation because you couldn 't think of anything else . Knowing he felt this way , I decided one year to bypass the usual shirts , sweaters , ties and so forth . I reached for something special just for Mike . The inspiration came in an unusual way . Our son Kevin , who was 12 that year , was wrestling at the junior level at the school he attended . Shortly before Christmas , there was a non - league match against a team sponsored by an inner city church . The kids were mostly black . These youngsters , dressed in sneakers so ragged that shoestrings seemed to be the only thing holding them together , presented a sharp contrast to our boys in their spiffy blue and gold uniforms and sparkling new wrestling shoes . As the match began , I was alarmed to see that the other team was wrestling without head gear , a kind of light helmet designed to protect a wrestler 's ears . It was a luxury the ragtag team obviously couldn 't afford . Well , we ended up walloping them . We took every weight class . And as each of their boys got up from the mat , he swaggered around in his tatters with false bravado , a kind of street pride that couldn 't acknowledge defeat . Mike , seated beside me , shook his head sadly , " I wish just one of them could have won , " he said . " They have a lot of potential , but losing like this could take the heart right out of them . " Mike loved kids - all kids . He understood kids in competitive situations , having coached little league football , baseball and lacrosse . That 's when the idea for his present came . That afternoonPosted by In September 1960 , I woke up one morning with six hungry babies and just 75 cents in my pocket . Their father was gone . The boys ranged from three months to seven years ; their sister was two . Their Dad had never been much more than a presence they feared . Whenever they heard his tires crunch on the gravel driveway they would scramble to hide under their beds . He did manage to leave $ 15 a week to buy groceries . Now that he had decided to leave , there would be no more beatings , but no food either . If there was a welfare system in effect in southern Indiana at that time , I certainly knew nothing about it . I scrubbed the kids until they looked brand new and then put on my best homemade dress , loaded them into the rusty old 51 Chevy and drove off to find a job . The seven of us went to every factory , store and restaurant in our small town . No luck . The kids stayed crammed into the car and tried to be quiet while I tried to convince whoever would listen that I was willing to learn or do anything . I had to have a job . Still no luck . The last place we went to , just a few miles out of town was an old Root Beer Barrel drive - in that had been converted to a truck stop . It was called the Big Wheel . An old lady named Granny owned the place and she peeked out of the window from time to time at all those kids . She needed someone on the graveyard shift , 11 at night until seven in the morning . She paid 65 cents an hour , and I could start that night . I raced home and called the teenager down the street that baby - sat for people . I bargained with her to come and sleep on my sofa for a dollar a night . She could arrive with her pajamas on and the kids would already be asleep . This seemed like a good arrangement to her , so we made a deal . That night when the little ones and I knelt to say our prayers , we all thanked God for finding Mommy a job . And so I started at the Big Wheel . When I got home in the mornings I woke the baby - sitter up and sent her home with one dollar of my tip money - - fully half of what I averaged every night . As the weeks wePosted by One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley . A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect . There was not a mark or a flaw in it . Yes , they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen . The young man was very proud and boasted more loudly about his beautiful heart . Suddenly , an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said , " Why your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine . " The crowd and the young man looked at the old man 's heart . It was beating strongly , but full of scars , it had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in , but they didn 't fit quite right and there were several jagged edges . In fact , in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces were missing . The people stared ? " How can he say his heart is more beautiful ? " they thought . The young man looked at the old man 's heart and saw its state and laughed . " You must be joking , " he said . " Compare your heart with mine , mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears . " " Yes , " said the old man , " Yours is perfect looking but I would never trade with you . You see , every scar represents a person to whom have given my love - I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them , and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart , but because the pieces aren 't exact , I have some rough edges , which I cherish , because they remind me of the love we shared . " " Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away , and the other person hasn 't returned a piece of his heart to me . These are the empty gouges - giving love is taking a chance . Although these gouges are painful , they stay open , reminding me of the love I have for these people too , and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting . So now do you see what true beauty is ? " The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks . He walked up to the old man , reached into his perfect young and Posted by I found myself daydreaming about past Christmas ' . Remembering my two small boys , excitement filling their eyes , as we trimmed the tree and they talked about a visit from Santa , leaving cookies out for the jolly old man and carrots for his reindeer and shopping with their small savings for gifts for each other . I remember Christmas morning in church and I remember always being surrounded by loved ones during the entire holiday season . How blessed I was to have my family and friends and God in my life . This started me thinking about ways to " give back " for all the blessings I enjoyed . But what could I do ? Being a small restaurant owner left very little time for anything else in my life . My husband , one of my sisters who worked at the restaurant , my Chef and I got together to discuss ideas and finally we came to the conclusion that we could do what we did best and what we did everyday - serve food . There were a number of homeless and needy people in my small town ; a few even enjoyed a cup of our soup slipped to them while passing by the back door of the restaurant . A plan began to come together … we could serve Christmas dinner to families who were having difficult times . If we closed the restaurant early on Christmas Eve , we could serve them a Christmas dinner and still have family time afterward ! But who would help prepare the food and serve the food and do the dishes and cleanup … all on Christmas Eve ? We posted a letter to the restaurant staff titled " A Christmas Story - A Time For Giving " explaining our plan and asking for their help . In a matter of a couple of days we had more than enough volunteers to help prepare the food and serve it , wash dishes and clean up ! " A Christmas Story - A Time For Giving " had the employees excited and eager for the chance to give of themselves during the holiday season ! The next obstacle was how to obtain a list of people to invite and how to get the word out about the Christmas dinner . Many of the restaurant customers attended local churches and those churches spoPosted by Christmas is just round the corner and many have started their Christmas shopping . I have also received a few presents already even though it 's still slightly more than a week to Christmas . In case , you have run out of ideas for presents , here are some ideas for gifts that don 't cost a cent . . . and the best part is - these will multiply when you give them . Take care and have a blessed season and a great day ! 1 . THE GIFT OF LISTENING . . . But you must REALLY listen . No interrupting , no daydreaming , no planning your response . Just listening . 2 . THE GIFT OF AFFECTION . . . Be generous with appropriate hugs , kisses , pats on the back and holds . Let these small actions demonstrate the love you have for family and friends . 3 . THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER . . . Clip cartoons . Share articles and funny stories . Your gift will say , " I love to laugh with you . " 4 . THE GIFT OF A WRITTEN NOTE . . . It can be a simple " Thanks for the help " note or a full sonnet . A brief , handwritten note may be remembered for a lifetime , and may even change a life . 5 . THE GIFT OF A COMPLIMENT . . . A simple and sincere , " You look great in red , " " You did a super job " or " That was a wonderful meal " can make someone 's day . 6 . THE GIFT OF A FAVOR . . . Every day , go out of your way to do something kind . 7 . THE GIFT OF SOLITUDE . . . There are times when we want nothing better than to be left alone . Be sensitive to those times and give the gift of solitude to others . 8 . THE GIFT OF A CHEERFUL DISPOSITION . . . The easiest way to feel good is to extend a kind word to someone , really it 's not that hard to say , Hello or Thank You . Take care and remember to smile a lot and be happy always . . . Have a lovely weekend ! One day I was lying on the bed , reading , when my mother came into the room . She held out a vase - - a rather ugly vase . She asked , ' Would you like to have this vase ? ' " I replied quickly , ' No , I don 't want it . ' " As she turned to walk away , I picked up something that said to me , ' Wait a minute , don 't shut this off yet . ' So I asked , ' Where did you get it ? ' " She said , ' Oh , I got it when I filled an order . ' Filled an order ? I thought - - no communication here . So I asked , ' What do you mean , filled an order ? ' ' Well , ' she said , ' when I was a little girl , the Smith Company mailed catalogs to people . I would take the catalog around the neighborhood , and I 'd get people to order from it . When I filled an order and sent it in , they gave me a prize . One time , I got a porch swing for my family . ' " Now you have to understand , " said Hensley , " that my mother is 81 years old . She is one of six children in a family that her father deserted when she was quite young . Money was real hard to come by . My grandmother managed to keep the family together through the years , although I don 't know how . For my mother to win a luxury like a porch swing was a significant accomplishment . Although she no longer had the swing , she had the vase - - a vase full of meaning - - which she offered to me . Instantly I said , ' Mom , I want the vase . ' Now it sits in a prominent place in my living room . It symbolizes a precious meaning which my mother and I share : Unless you and I are sensitive to the other person and hear meaning , we may well have a communication problem . - Author Unknown - The story is told of an old man who lived on a farm in the mountains of eastern Kentucky with his young grandson . Each morning , Grandpa was up early sitting at the kitchen table praying . His grandson who wanted to be just like him tried to imitate him in any way he could . One day the grandson asked , ' Papa , I try to pray just like you but I don 't understand it , and what I do understand I forget as soon as I begin to pray . What good does praying do ? ' The Grandfather quietly turned from putting coal in the stove and said , ' Take this old wicker coal basket down to the river and bring back a basket of water . ' The boy did as he was told , even though all the water leaked out before he could get back to the house . The grandfather laughed and said , ' You will have to move a little faster next time , ' and sent him back to the river with the basket to try again . This time the boy ran faster , but again the old wicker basket was empty before he returned home . Out of breath , he told his grandfather that it was ' impossible to carry water in a basket , ' and he went to get a bucket instead . The old man said , ' I don 't want a bucket of water ; I want a basket of water . You can do this . You 're just not trying hard enough , ' and he went out the door to watch the boy try again . At this point , the boy knew it was impossible , but he wanted to show his grandfather that even if he ran as fast as he could , the water would leak out before he got far at all . The boy scooped the water and ran hard , but when he reached his grandfather the basket was again empty . Out of breath , he said , ' See Papa , it 's useless ! ' ' So you think it is useless ? ' The old man said , ' Look at the basket . ' The boy looked at the basket and for the first time he realized that the basket looked different . Instead of a dirty old wicker coal basket , it was clean . ' Son , that 's what happens when you pray . You might not understand or remember everything , but when you pray , it will change you from the inside out . ' Moral of the wicker basket story : Take time to pray each day ; it will Posted by One day a mother died . And on that clear , cold morning , in the warmth of her bedroom , the daughter was struck withthe pain of learning that sometimesthere isn 't any more . No more hugs , no more lucky moments to celebrate together , no more phone calls just to chat , No more ' just one minute ' Sometimes , what we care about the most goes away . never to return before we can say good - bye , Say ' I Love You . ' So while we have it . . . . . it 's best we love it . . . And care for it and fix it when it 's brokenand take good care of it when it 's sick . This is true for marriage . . . . and friendshipsAnd children with bad report cards ; And dogs with bad hips ; And aging parents and grandparentsWe keep them because they are worth it , Because we cherish them ! Some things we keep - - like a best friend who moved awayor a classmate we grew up with . There are just some things that makeus happy , No matter what . Life is important , and so are the people we knowAnd so , we keep them close ! I received this from someone todaywho thought I was a ' KEEPER ' ! Then I posted this in my blog Specially for my readers whom I think of in the same way ! May your troubles be less , Your Blessings be more , And nothing but HappinessCome through your Door . Patience is not passive ; on the contrary , it is active ; it is concentrated strength . " HAVE A NICE DAY ! * Many thanks to Angela who sent me this article which I modified a bit for this post . A few years ago a group of salesmen went to a regional sales convention in Chicago . They had assured their wives that they would be home in plenty of time for Friday night 's dinner . In their rush , with tickets and briefcases , one of these salesmen inadvertently kicked over a table which held a display of apples . Apples flew everywhere . Without stopping or looking back , they all managed to reach the plane in time for their nearly - missed boarding . ALL BUT ONE ! ! ! He paused , took a deep breath , got in touch with his feelings , and experienced a twinge of compassion for the girl whose apple stand had been overturned . He told his buddies to go without him , waved good - bye , told one of them to call his wife when they arrived at their home destination and explain his taking a later flight . Then he returned to the terminal where the apples were all over the terminal floor . He was glad he did . The 16 - year - old girl was totally blind ! She was softly crying , tears running down her cheeks in frustration , and at the same time helplessly groping for her spilled produce as the crowd swirled about her ; no one stopping and no one to care for her plight . The salesman knelt on the floor with her , gathered up the apples , put them back on the table and helped organize her display . As he did this , he noticed that many of them had become battered and bruised ; these he set aside in another basket . When he had finished , he pulled out his wallet and said to the girl , ' Here , please take this $ 40 for the damage we did . Are you okay ? ' She nodded through her tears . He continued on with , ' I hope we didn 't spoil your day too badly . ' As the salesman started to walk away , the bewildered blind girl called out to him , ' Mister . . . . Excuse me , ' He paused and turned to look back into those blind eyes . She continued , ' Are you God ? ' He stopped in mid - stride , and he wondered . Then slowly he made his way to catch the later flight with that question burning and bouncing about in his soul : ' Are you God ? ' Do people mistake you for God ? That 's our destiny , is it noPosted by Once upon a time it was announced that the devilwas going out of business and would sell allhis equipment to those who were willing to pay the price . On the big day of the sale , all his tools were attractively displayed . There were Envy , Jealousy , Hatred , Malice , Deceit , Sensuality , Pride , Idolatry , and other implements of evil display . Each of the tools wasMarked with its own price tag . Over in the corner by itself was a harmless looking , wedge - shaped tool very much worn , but still it bore ahigher price than any of the others . Someone asked the devil what it was , and he answered , " That is Discouragement . " The next question came quickly , " And why is it priced so high even thoughit is plain to see that it is worn more than these others ? " Because replied the devil , " It is more useful to me than all these others . I can pry open and get into a man 's heart with thatwhen I cannot get near him with any other tooOnce I get inside , I can use him in whatever waysuits me best . It is worn well becauseI use it on everybody I can , and few people even know it belongs to me . " This tool was priced so high that no one could buy it , and to this day it has never been sold . It still belongs to the devil , and he still uses it on mankind . - author unknown - I received the following post from Angela and would like to share it with you this morning because of its many beautiful lessons . Thanks , Angela , for sharing . Please pass it on if you find it useful . Thanks and have a nice day ! EVERYTHING THAT YOU NEED TO KNOW FROM NOAH ' S ARKONE : Don 't miss the boat . TWO : Remember that we are all in the same boat ! THREE : Plan ahead . It wasn 't raining when Noah built the Ark . FOUR : Stay fit . When you 're 60 years old , someone may ask you to do something really big . FIVE : Don 't listen to critics ; just get on with the job that needs to be done . SIX : Build your future on high ground . SEVEN : For safety 's sake , travel in pairs . EIGHT : Speed isn 't always an advantage . The snails were on board with the cheetahs . NINE : When you 're stressed , float awhile . TEN : Remember , the Ark was built by amateurs ; the Titanic by professionals . ELEVEN : No matter the storm , when you are with God , there 's always a rainbow waiting . Believe in yourself . Be brave . . . but it 's ok to be afraid sometimesStudy hardGive lots of kissesLaugh oftenDon 't be overly concerned with your weight , it 's just a numberAlways try to see the glass half fullMeet new people , even if they look different to youRemain calm , even when it seems hopelessTake lots of naps . . Be weird whenever you have the chanceLove your friends , no matter who they areDon 't waste foodRELAXTake an occasional risk . Try to have a little fun each day . . . . it 's importantWork together as a team and share a joke with friendsFall in love with someone . . . . . and say ' I love you ' oftenExpress yourself creativelyBe conscious of your appearanceAlways be up for surprisesLove someone with all of your heartShare with friendsWatch your stepIt will get betterThere is always someone who loves you more than you know . . . Exercise to keep fitLive up to your nameSeize the MomentHold on to good friends ; they are few and far betweenIndulge in the things you truly loveCherish every SundayAt the end of the day . . . PRAY . . . . . . . . And close your eyeAnd smile at least once a day ! Have a nice day ! ! ! |
When I think about New Year 's Eve , I think about pots and pans . Not for cooking . For banging and clanging and raising a ruckus . It was a tradition at our house , as much a part of our annual New Year 's Eve celebration as the non - alcoholic " champagne " we drank to toast the New Year ( in plastic champagne glasses , of course ) and watching on TV while that big ball came down over Times Square in New York . Dick Clark would count down the last seconds of the old year , we would all shout " Happy New Year ! " at the appropriate moment , Mom would make her way around the room kissing everybody and then we would go outside and pound on pots and pans and make all kinds of noise . To be honest , I never cared for non - alcoholic champagne - - my taste always ran more toward Dr Pepper . The magic of the big ball coming down on Times Square evaporated as soon as I figured out it had actually happened two hours earlier . Mom 's kisses were . . . well . . . Mom 's kisses . But going outside in the middle of the night to pound on pots and pans and make noise . . . now , that was something . Pot - pounding was generally frowned upon , even in the middle of the day . And doing it outside for all the world to hear . . . well , it simply wasn 't done . Except on New Year 's Eve . And that made New Year 's Eve special , although I wasn 't exactly sure why . " I don 't get it , " I said to Mom one New Year 's Day . " We don 't go outside and pound on pots and pans on Christmas Eve or Thanksgiving . We don 't do it on Easter or on birthdays . The only time we do anything like it is when we set off fireworks on the Fourth of July , and I know why we do that . But I don 't know why we pound on pans on New Year 's Eve . " Mom gave me that why - didn 't - I - stop - after - seven - children look . As a parent myself , I finally understand where that look comes from : not having any idea of the answer to the question . But as anyone who ever played cards with her knows , Mom was a master bluffer . " It 's an ancient . . . Indian . . . tradition , " she said , forgetting for a moment that early Native Americans probably didn 't have many pPosted by A wise woman who was traveling in the mountains found a precious stone in a stream . The next day , she met another traveler who was hungry and the wise man opened her bag to share her food . The hungry traveler saw the precious stone in the wise woman 's bag and admire it and asked the woman to give it to him . The wise woman did so without hesitation . The traveler left , rejoicing in his good fortune . He knew the jewel was worth enough to give him security for the rest of his life . But a few days later he came back , searching for the wise woman . When he found her , he returned the stone and said , " I have been thinking . I know how valuable this stone is , but I give it back to you in the hope that you can give me something much more precious . If you can , give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone . - AUTHOR UNKNOWN - The Guy in the Glass ( aka - The Man In The Glass ) By : Dale WimbrowWhen you get what you want in your struggle for pelf , And the world makes you King for a day , Then go to the mirror and look at yourself , And see what that guy has to say . For it isn 't your Father , or Mother , or Wife , Who judgement upon you must pass . The feller whose verdict counts most in your lifeIs the guy staring back from the glass . He 's the feller to please , never mind all the rest , For he 's with you clear up to the end , And you 've passed your most dangerous , difficult testIf the guy in the glass is your friend . You may be like Jack Horner and " chisel " a plum , And think you 're a wonderful guy , But the man in the glass says you 're only a bumIf you can 't look him straight in the eye . You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years , And get pats on the back as you pass , But your final reward will be heartaches and tearsIf you 've cheated the guy in the glassThis poem was previously known as " Man in the Glass " . The correct title is " The Guy in the Glass " and was written by Peter " Dale " Wimbrow Sr . , ( 1895 - 1954 ) . The copyright information is in The American Magazine which was published in 1934 . Once when I was a teenager , my father and I were standing in line to buy tickets for the circus . Finally , there was only one family between us and the ticket counter . This family made a big impression on me . There were eight children , all probably under the age of 12 . You could tell they didn 't have a lot of money . Their clothes were not expensive , but they were clean . The children were well - behaved , all of them standing in line , two - by - two behind their parents , holding hands . They were excitedly jabbering about the clowns , elephants and other acts they would see that night . One could sense they had never been to the circus before . It promised to be a highlight of their young lives . The father and mother were at the head of the pack standing proud as could be . The mother was holding her husband 's hand , looking up at him as if to say , " You 're my knight in shining armor . " He was smiling and basking in pride , looking at her as if to reply , " You got that right . " The ticket lady asked the father how many tickets he wanted . He proudly responded , " Please let me buy eight children 's tickets and two adult tickets so I can take my family to the circus . " The ticket lady quoted the price . The man 's wife let go of his hand , her head dropped , the man 's lip began to quiver . The father leaned a little closer and asked , " How much did you say ? " The ticket lady again quoted the price . The man didn 't have enough money . How was he supposed to turn and tell his eight kids that he didn 't have enough money to take them to the circus ? Seeing what was going on , my dad put his hand into his pocket , pulled out a $ 20 bill and dropped it on the ground . ( We were not wealthy in any sense of the word ! ) My father reached down , picked up the bill , tapped the man on the shoulder and said , " Excuse me , sir , this fell out of your pocket . " The man knew what was going on . He wasn 't begging for a handout but certainly appreciated the help in a desperate , heartbreaking , embarrassing situation . He looked straight into my dad 's eyes , took my dad 's hand in both of hPosted by After a car accident put me into the hospital , I felt very angry about a lot of the way my life was turning out . The doctors repaired the major damage done to my body . And after all , the car was just that , a car . But I was laying there feeling pretty sorry for myself . I didn 't care to see anyone or talk to anyone . I had been there about a week , the nurses had been good about leaving my door closed . But one bright morning I was awakened by sounds of people out in the hallway . Since I was still feeling sorry for myself , I didn 't wake up in a pleasant mood . As I pushed the button to call the nurse , I saw a little boy in the hallway . A cast completely covered his arm , from fingers to shoulder . His face was covered with a smile . In his other hand he was holding a teddy bear . I heard his mother telling him to sit and wait until she was done . He looked over to me and I had the permanent scowl on my face , but he smiled at me . Then without warning he came running into my room . As I was silently cursing the nurses for leaving my door open , the smile upon his face widened . He came right up next to my bed and stood there smiling at me . Then with his good arm he held out his big brown teddy bear . It was missing an eye but I had to admit it was cute . I layed there and stared at him for the longest time . Not knowing what he was wanting from me . He said , " This is Teddy . He 's still sick . He needs to stay here . Could you keep him here till he gets better ? " I reached out and took Teddy from his hand . I promised I would take care of Teddy until the time he got better . I also promised to keep him from harm afterwards . Just then the little boy 's mother called to him . He looked back at me and said , " Bye mister , bye Teddy " and ran out of the room . His mother smiled down at him and the nurse wheeled him away . I sat there hugging Teddy for the longest time . The nurse responded to my call just in time to catch the tears rolling down my cheeks and the biggest smile on my face . I will never forget what that little boy gave to me that day . It was so Posted by Once upon a time - so long ago that everybody has forgotten the date - in a city in the north of Europe - with such a hard name that nobody can ever remember it . There was a little seven - year - old boy named Wolff , whose parents were dead , who lived with a cross and stingy old aunt , who never thought of kissing him more than once a year and who sigheddeeply whenever she gave him a bowlful of soup . But the poor little fellow had such a sweet nature that in spite of everything , he loved the old woman , although he was terribly afraid of her and could never look at her ugly old face without shivering . As this aunt of little Wolff was known to have a house of her own and an old woollen stocking full of gold , she had not dared to send the boy to a charity school ; but , in order to get a reduction in the price , she had so wrangled with the master of the school , to which little Wolff finally went , that this bad man , vexed at having a pupil so poorly dressed and paying so little , often punished him unjustly , and evenprejudiced his companions against him , so that the three boys , all sons of rich parents , made a drudge and laughing stock of the little fellow . The poor little one was thus as wretched as a child could be and used to hide himself in corners to weep whenever Christmas time came . It was the schoolmaster 's custom to take all his pupils to the midnight mass on Christmas Eve , and to bring them home again afterward . Now , as the winter this year was very bitter , and as heavy snow had been falling for several days , all the boys came well bundled up in warm clothes , with fur caps pulled over their ears , padded jackets , gloves and knitted mittens , and strong , thick - soled boots . Only little Wolff presented himself shivering in the poor clothes he used to wear both weekdays and Sundays and having on his feet only thin socks in heavy wooden shoes . His naughty companions noticing his sad face and awkward appearance , made many jokes at his expense ; but the little fellow was so busy blowing on his fingers , and was suffering so much Posted by On a December night in Chicago , a little girl climbed onto her father 's lap and asked a question . It was a simple question , asked in children 's curiosity , yet it had a heart - rending effect on Robert May . " Daddy , " four - year old Barbara asked , " Why isn 't my Mommy just like everybody else 's mommy ? " Bob May stole a glance across his shabby two room apartment . On a couch lay his young wife , Evelyn , racked with cancer . For two years she had been bedridden ; for two years , all Bob 's income and smaller savings had gone to pay for treatments and medicines . The terrible ordeal already had shattered two adult lives . Now Bob suddenly realized the happiness of his growing daughter was also in jeopardy . As he ran his fingers through Barbara 's hair , he prayed for some satisfactory answer to her question . Bob May knew only too well what it meant to be " different . " As a child he had been weak and delicate . With the innocent cruelty of children , his playmates had continually goaded the stunted , skinny lad to tears . Later at Dartmouth , from which he was graduated in 1926 , Bob May was so small that he was always being mistaken for someone 's little brother . Nor was his adult life much happier . Unlike many of his classmates who floated from college into plush jobs , Bob became a lowly copy writer for Montgomery Ward , the big Chicago mail order house . Now at 33 , Bob was deep in debt , depressed and sad . Although Bob did not know it at the time , the answer he gave the tousled haired child on his lap was to bring him to fame and fortune . It was also to bring joy to countless thousands of children like his own Barbara . On that December night in the shabby Chicago apartment , Bob cradled his little girl 's head against his shoulder and began to tell a story . " Once upon a time there was a reindeer named Rudolph , the only reindeer in the world that had a big red nose . Naturally people called him Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer . " As Bob went on to tell about Rudolph , he tried desperately to communicate to Barbara the knowledge that , even though some creatPosted by Hesitating , the first snow flakes fell . It was one day before Christmas . There was this small house in front of a big forest , which was breathing quietness . Just every now and then , two rabbits disturbed the peace and quietness . They seemed to be searching for something between the dead leaves . Inside , a man stared through the window , as if he was waiting for something . Except for the man , there were two other people in the small room . They were his daughters in the age of fifteen and seventeen , who were both reading . The youngest one was called Mary and the oldest Leslie . They were both of the dreaming type , this unlike their father who , being a lumberjack , could not see any good in dreaming . Quite often , it bothered him that his daughters were reading . This was not in the first place because he could barely read himself but because books were expensive and he did not make a lot . Every once and a while Leslie spoke up by pointing out that they read used books but this did not mean much to the poorly educated lumberjack . ' Dad , could we please go for an evening walk ? ' Leslie asked . The lumberjack growled a bit and then nodded . Meanwhile , it was snowing considerably and so the girls dressed accordingly . To make sure that they would not get lost , they took the familiar path , which ran along the wood . To go into the wood itself , was even now for an experienced trapper risky . As more snow fell , the evening became lighter . Mary and Leslie continued in silence . They both had the same thought : their mother who had died a year ago because of terrible fever . So their father 's behaviour was understandable . When the girls were already at quite a distance from their home , rather suddenly the wind increased . The sisters got a startle out of this because they knew very well what this could mean . They looked at each other but there was no need for words and they returned . However , a return was out of the question because soon they lost their way . Leslie got overwhelmed by fear and started to cry . Mary tried to comfort her older sister . Posted by December is the busiest time of the year . Everyone 's busy preparing for the holidays and continuing family traditions . Has it ever crossed your mind , as to how many really stop and think what Christmas is all about ? Are we teaching our children the true meaning of Christmas or how many gifts need to be bought ? If we have taught our children the true meaning of Christmas , what we 've instilled in them will be carried into generations to come . I like to see families create traditions all year long . After all , the original gift to all of us here on earth , was given from His heart . For through our hearts , one single gift of kindness , can touch an endless amount of hearts forever . This is a story about a child that saw the importance of giving and never thought about giving up . Some may think a child isn 't old enough to carry enough wisdom to teach us all a lesson in living . But I 've learned a heart grows from life 's many challenges and sometimes a child 's challenges can be far greater than some adults . We met a little girl seven years ago , during one of my daughter 's occasional hospital stays . Her name was Beth and she was my daughter 's room mate for a week . Beth was a very happy girl despite her medical problems she was facing . Her long blonde curls always seemed to bounce with her smile . The girls got to know each other well and had become good friends . On the pediatric floor of the hospital , we saw many seriously ill children . It was so sad , even though my daughter had an uncurable kidney disease and not a very good chance of living to see old age herself . We always saw many children with all kinds of cancer , and sadly enough Beth was one of those children . She was doing two weeks of chemo and radiation . I was amazed at her will and determination to never give up despite how very sick her treatments made her . She was always concerned about my daughter and the other children with cancer she grew to know over her many hospital stays . My daughter 's IV treatments were done after a week and I was happy to Posted by It 's just a small , white envelope stuck among the branches of our Christmas tree . No name , no identification , no inscription . It has peeked through the branches of our tree at this time of the year for the past 10 years or so . It all began because my husband Mike hated Christmas . Oh , not the true meaning of Christmas , but the commercial aspects of it . You know , the overspending , the frantic running around at the last minute to get a tie for Uncle Harry and the dusting powder for Grandma , the gifts given in desperation because you couldn 't think of anything else . Knowing he felt this way , I decided one year to bypass the usual shirts , sweaters , ties and so forth . I reached for something special just for Mike . The inspiration came in an unusual way . Our son Kevin , who was 12 that year , was wrestling at the junior level at the school he attended . Shortly before Christmas , there was a non - league match against a team sponsored by an inner city church . The kids were mostly black . These youngsters , dressed in sneakers so ragged that shoestrings seemed to be the only thing holding them together , presented a sharp contrast to our boys in their spiffy blue and gold uniforms and sparkling new wrestling shoes . As the match began , I was alarmed to see that the other team was wrestling without head gear , a kind of light helmet designed to protect a wrestler 's ears . It was a luxury the ragtag team obviously couldn 't afford . Well , we ended up walloping them . We took every weight class . And as each of their boys got up from the mat , he swaggered around in his tatters with false bravado , a kind of street pride that couldn 't acknowledge defeat . Mike , seated beside me , shook his head sadly , " I wish just one of them could have won , " he said . " They have a lot of potential , but losing like this could take the heart right out of them . " Mike loved kids - all kids . He understood kids in competitive situations , having coached little league football , baseball and lacrosse . That 's when the idea for his present came . That afternoonPosted by In September 1960 , I woke up one morning with six hungry babies and just 75 cents in my pocket . Their father was gone . The boys ranged from three months to seven years ; their sister was two . Their Dad had never been much more than a presence they feared . Whenever they heard his tires crunch on the gravel driveway they would scramble to hide under their beds . He did manage to leave $ 15 a week to buy groceries . Now that he had decided to leave , there would be no more beatings , but no food either . If there was a welfare system in effect in southern Indiana at that time , I certainly knew nothing about it . I scrubbed the kids until they looked brand new and then put on my best homemade dress , loaded them into the rusty old 51 Chevy and drove off to find a job . The seven of us went to every factory , store and restaurant in our small town . No luck . The kids stayed crammed into the car and tried to be quiet while I tried to convince whoever would listen that I was willing to learn or do anything . I had to have a job . Still no luck . The last place we went to , just a few miles out of town was an old Root Beer Barrel drive - in that had been converted to a truck stop . It was called the Big Wheel . An old lady named Granny owned the place and she peeked out of the window from time to time at all those kids . She needed someone on the graveyard shift , 11 at night until seven in the morning . She paid 65 cents an hour , and I could start that night . I raced home and called the teenager down the street that baby - sat for people . I bargained with her to come and sleep on my sofa for a dollar a night . She could arrive with her pajamas on and the kids would already be asleep . This seemed like a good arrangement to her , so we made a deal . That night when the little ones and I knelt to say our prayers , we all thanked God for finding Mommy a job . And so I started at the Big Wheel . When I got home in the mornings I woke the baby - sitter up and sent her home with one dollar of my tip money - - fully half of what I averaged every night . As the weeks wePosted by One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley . A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect . There was not a mark or a flaw in it . Yes , they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen . The young man was very proud and boasted more loudly about his beautiful heart . Suddenly , an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said , " Why your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine . " The crowd and the young man looked at the old man 's heart . It was beating strongly , but full of scars , it had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in , but they didn 't fit quite right and there were several jagged edges . In fact , in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces were missing . The people stared ? " How can he say his heart is more beautiful ? " they thought . The young man looked at the old man 's heart and saw its state and laughed . " You must be joking , " he said . " Compare your heart with mine , mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears . " " Yes , " said the old man , " Yours is perfect looking but I would never trade with you . You see , every scar represents a person to whom have given my love - I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them , and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart , but because the pieces aren 't exact , I have some rough edges , which I cherish , because they remind me of the love we shared . " " Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away , and the other person hasn 't returned a piece of his heart to me . These are the empty gouges - giving love is taking a chance . Although these gouges are painful , they stay open , reminding me of the love I have for these people too , and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting . So now do you see what true beauty is ? " The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks . He walked up to the old man , reached into his perfect young and Posted by I found myself daydreaming about past Christmas ' . Remembering my two small boys , excitement filling their eyes , as we trimmed the tree and they talked about a visit from Santa , leaving cookies out for the jolly old man and carrots for his reindeer and shopping with their small savings for gifts for each other . I remember Christmas morning in church and I remember always being surrounded by loved ones during the entire holiday season . How blessed I was to have my family and friends and God in my life . This started me thinking about ways to " give back " for all the blessings I enjoyed . But what could I do ? Being a small restaurant owner left very little time for anything else in my life . My husband , one of my sisters who worked at the restaurant , my Chef and I got together to discuss ideas and finally we came to the conclusion that we could do what we did best and what we did everyday - serve food . There were a number of homeless and needy people in my small town ; a few even enjoyed a cup of our soup slipped to them while passing by the back door of the restaurant . A plan began to come together … we could serve Christmas dinner to families who were having difficult times . If we closed the restaurant early on Christmas Eve , we could serve them a Christmas dinner and still have family time afterward ! But who would help prepare the food and serve the food and do the dishes and cleanup … all on Christmas Eve ? We posted a letter to the restaurant staff titled " A Christmas Story - A Time For Giving " explaining our plan and asking for their help . In a matter of a couple of days we had more than enough volunteers to help prepare the food and serve it , wash dishes and clean up ! " A Christmas Story - A Time For Giving " had the employees excited and eager for the chance to give of themselves during the holiday season ! The next obstacle was how to obtain a list of people to invite and how to get the word out about the Christmas dinner . Many of the restaurant customers attended local churches and those churches spoPosted by Christmas is just round the corner and many have started their Christmas shopping . I have also received a few presents already even though it 's still slightly more than a week to Christmas . In case , you have run out of ideas for presents , here are some ideas for gifts that don 't cost a cent . . . and the best part is - these will multiply when you give them . Take care and have a blessed season and a great day ! 1 . THE GIFT OF LISTENING . . . But you must REALLY listen . No interrupting , no daydreaming , no planning your response . Just listening . 2 . THE GIFT OF AFFECTION . . . Be generous with appropriate hugs , kisses , pats on the back and holds . Let these small actions demonstrate the love you have for family and friends . 3 . THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER . . . Clip cartoons . Share articles and funny stories . Your gift will say , " I love to laugh with you . " 4 . THE GIFT OF A WRITTEN NOTE . . . It can be a simple " Thanks for the help " note or a full sonnet . A brief , handwritten note may be remembered for a lifetime , and may even change a life . 5 . THE GIFT OF A COMPLIMENT . . . A simple and sincere , " You look great in red , " " You did a super job " or " That was a wonderful meal " can make someone 's day . 6 . THE GIFT OF A FAVOR . . . Every day , go out of your way to do something kind . 7 . THE GIFT OF SOLITUDE . . . There are times when we want nothing better than to be left alone . Be sensitive to those times and give the gift of solitude to others . 8 . THE GIFT OF A CHEERFUL DISPOSITION . . . The easiest way to feel good is to extend a kind word to someone , really it 's not that hard to say , Hello or Thank You . Take care and remember to smile a lot and be happy always . . . Have a lovely weekend ! One day I was lying on the bed , reading , when my mother came into the room . She held out a vase - - a rather ugly vase . She asked , ' Would you like to have this vase ? ' " I replied quickly , ' No , I don 't want it . ' " As she turned to walk away , I picked up something that said to me , ' Wait a minute , don 't shut this off yet . ' So I asked , ' Where did you get it ? ' " She said , ' Oh , I got it when I filled an order . ' Filled an order ? I thought - - no communication here . So I asked , ' What do you mean , filled an order ? ' ' Well , ' she said , ' when I was a little girl , the Smith Company mailed catalogs to people . I would take the catalog around the neighborhood , and I 'd get people to order from it . When I filled an order and sent it in , they gave me a prize . One time , I got a porch swing for my family . ' " Now you have to understand , " said Hensley , " that my mother is 81 years old . She is one of six children in a family that her father deserted when she was quite young . Money was real hard to come by . My grandmother managed to keep the family together through the years , although I don 't know how . For my mother to win a luxury like a porch swing was a significant accomplishment . Although she no longer had the swing , she had the vase - - a vase full of meaning - - which she offered to me . Instantly I said , ' Mom , I want the vase . ' Now it sits in a prominent place in my living room . It symbolizes a precious meaning which my mother and I share : Unless you and I are sensitive to the other person and hear meaning , we may well have a communication problem . - Author Unknown - The story is told of an old man who lived on a farm in the mountains of eastern Kentucky with his young grandson . Each morning , Grandpa was up early sitting at the kitchen table praying . His grandson who wanted to be just like him tried to imitate him in any way he could . One day the grandson asked , ' Papa , I try to pray just like you but I don 't understand it , and what I do understand I forget as soon as I begin to pray . What good does praying do ? ' The Grandfather quietly turned from putting coal in the stove and said , ' Take this old wicker coal basket down to the river and bring back a basket of water . ' The boy did as he was told , even though all the water leaked out before he could get back to the house . The grandfather laughed and said , ' You will have to move a little faster next time , ' and sent him back to the river with the basket to try again . This time the boy ran faster , but again the old wicker basket was empty before he returned home . Out of breath , he told his grandfather that it was ' impossible to carry water in a basket , ' and he went to get a bucket instead . The old man said , ' I don 't want a bucket of water ; I want a basket of water . You can do this . You 're just not trying hard enough , ' and he went out the door to watch the boy try again . At this point , the boy knew it was impossible , but he wanted to show his grandfather that even if he ran as fast as he could , the water would leak out before he got far at all . The boy scooped the water and ran hard , but when he reached his grandfather the basket was again empty . Out of breath , he said , ' See Papa , it 's useless ! ' ' So you think it is useless ? ' The old man said , ' Look at the basket . ' The boy looked at the basket and for the first time he realized that the basket looked different . Instead of a dirty old wicker coal basket , it was clean . ' Son , that 's what happens when you pray . You might not understand or remember everything , but when you pray , it will change you from the inside out . ' Moral of the wicker basket story : Take time to pray each day ; it will Posted by One day a mother died . And on that clear , cold morning , in the warmth of her bedroom , the daughter was struck withthe pain of learning that sometimesthere isn 't any more . No more hugs , no more lucky moments to celebrate together , no more phone calls just to chat , No more ' just one minute ' Sometimes , what we care about the most goes away . never to return before we can say good - bye , Say ' I Love You . ' So while we have it . . . . . it 's best we love it . . . And care for it and fix it when it 's brokenand take good care of it when it 's sick . This is true for marriage . . . . and friendshipsAnd children with bad report cards ; And dogs with bad hips ; And aging parents and grandparentsWe keep them because they are worth it , Because we cherish them ! Some things we keep - - like a best friend who moved awayor a classmate we grew up with . There are just some things that makeus happy , No matter what . Life is important , and so are the people we knowAnd so , we keep them close ! I received this from someone todaywho thought I was a ' KEEPER ' ! Then I posted this in my blog Specially for my readers whom I think of in the same way ! May your troubles be less , Your Blessings be more , And nothing but HappinessCome through your Door . Patience is not passive ; on the contrary , it is active ; it is concentrated strength . " HAVE A NICE DAY ! * Many thanks to Angela who sent me this article which I modified a bit for this post . A few years ago a group of salesmen went to a regional sales convention in Chicago . They had assured their wives that they would be home in plenty of time for Friday night 's dinner . In their rush , with tickets and briefcases , one of these salesmen inadvertently kicked over a table which held a display of apples . Apples flew everywhere . Without stopping or looking back , they all managed to reach the plane in time for their nearly - missed boarding . ALL BUT ONE ! ! ! He paused , took a deep breath , got in touch with his feelings , and experienced a twinge of compassion for the girl whose apple stand had been overturned . He told his buddies to go without him , waved good - bye , told one of them to call his wife when they arrived at their home destination and explain his taking a later flight . Then he returned to the terminal where the apples were all over the terminal floor . He was glad he did . The 16 - year - old girl was totally blind ! She was softly crying , tears running down her cheeks in frustration , and at the same time helplessly groping for her spilled produce as the crowd swirled about her ; no one stopping and no one to care for her plight . The salesman knelt on the floor with her , gathered up the apples , put them back on the table and helped organize her display . As he did this , he noticed that many of them had become battered and bruised ; these he set aside in another basket . When he had finished , he pulled out his wallet and said to the girl , ' Here , please take this $ 40 for the damage we did . Are you okay ? ' She nodded through her tears . He continued on with , ' I hope we didn 't spoil your day too badly . ' As the salesman started to walk away , the bewildered blind girl called out to him , ' Mister . . . . Excuse me , ' He paused and turned to look back into those blind eyes . She continued , ' Are you God ? ' He stopped in mid - stride , and he wondered . Then slowly he made his way to catch the later flight with that question burning and bouncing about in his soul : ' Are you God ? ' Do people mistake you for God ? That 's our destiny , is it noPosted by Once upon a time it was announced that the devilwas going out of business and would sell allhis equipment to those who were willing to pay the price . On the big day of the sale , all his tools were attractively displayed . There were Envy , Jealousy , Hatred , Malice , Deceit , Sensuality , Pride , Idolatry , and other implements of evil display . Each of the tools wasMarked with its own price tag . Over in the corner by itself was a harmless looking , wedge - shaped tool very much worn , but still it bore ahigher price than any of the others . Someone asked the devil what it was , and he answered , " That is Discouragement . " The next question came quickly , " And why is it priced so high even thoughit is plain to see that it is worn more than these others ? " Because replied the devil , " It is more useful to me than all these others . I can pry open and get into a man 's heart with thatwhen I cannot get near him with any other tooOnce I get inside , I can use him in whatever waysuits me best . It is worn well becauseI use it on everybody I can , and few people even know it belongs to me . " This tool was priced so high that no one could buy it , and to this day it has never been sold . It still belongs to the devil , and he still uses it on mankind . - author unknown - I received the following post from Angela and would like to share it with you this morning because of its many beautiful lessons . Thanks , Angela , for sharing . Please pass it on if you find it useful . Thanks and have a nice day ! EVERYTHING THAT YOU NEED TO KNOW FROM NOAH ' S ARKONE : Don 't miss the boat . TWO : Remember that we are all in the same boat ! THREE : Plan ahead . It wasn 't raining when Noah built the Ark . FOUR : Stay fit . When you 're 60 years old , someone may ask you to do something really big . FIVE : Don 't listen to critics ; just get on with the job that needs to be done . SIX : Build your future on high ground . SEVEN : For safety 's sake , travel in pairs . EIGHT : Speed isn 't always an advantage . The snails were on board with the cheetahs . NINE : When you 're stressed , float awhile . TEN : Remember , the Ark was built by amateurs ; the Titanic by professionals . ELEVEN : No matter the storm , when you are with God , there 's always a rainbow waiting . Believe in yourself . Be brave . . . but it 's ok to be afraid sometimesStudy hardGive lots of kissesLaugh oftenDon 't be overly concerned with your weight , it 's just a numberAlways try to see the glass half fullMeet new people , even if they look different to youRemain calm , even when it seems hopelessTake lots of naps . . Be weird whenever you have the chanceLove your friends , no matter who they areDon 't waste foodRELAXTake an occasional risk . Try to have a little fun each day . . . . it 's importantWork together as a team and share a joke with friendsFall in love with someone . . . . . and say ' I love you ' oftenExpress yourself creativelyBe conscious of your appearanceAlways be up for surprisesLove someone with all of your heartShare with friendsWatch your stepIt will get betterThere is always someone who loves you more than you know . . . Exercise to keep fitLive up to your nameSeize the MomentHold on to good friends ; they are few and far betweenIndulge in the things you truly loveCherish every SundayAt the end of the day . . . PRAY . . . . . . . . And close your eyeAnd smile at least once a day ! Have a nice day ! ! ! |
" The Celtic Twilight " was the first book of Mr . Yeats 's that I read , and even before I met him , a little time later , I had begun looking for news of the invisible world ; for his stories were of Sligo and I felt jealous for Galway . This beginning of knowledge was a great excitement to me , for though I had heard all my life some talk of the faeries and the banshee ( have indeed reason to believe in this last ) , I had never thought of giving heed to what I , in common with my class , looked on as fancy or superstition . It was certainly because of this unbelief that I had been told so little about them . Even when I began to gather these stories , I eared less for the evidence given in them than for the beautiful rhythmic sentences in which they were told . I had no theories , no case to prove , I but " held up a clean mirror to tradition . " It is hard to tell sometimes what has been a real vision and what is tradition , a legend hanging in the air , a " vanity " as our people call it , made use of by a story - teller here and there , or impressing itself as a real experience on some sensitive and imaginative mind . For tradition has a large place in " the Rook of the People " showing a sowing and re - sowing , a continuity and rebirth as in nature . " Those , " " The Others , " " The Fallen Angels " have some of the attributes of the gods of ancient Ireland ; we may even go back yet farther to the early days of the world when the Sons of God mated with the Daughters of Men . I believe that if Christianity could be blotted out and forgotten tomorrow , our people would not be moved at all from the belief in a spiritual world and an unending life ; it has been with them since the Druids taught what Lucan called " the happy error of the immortality of the soul " I think we found nothing so trivial in our search but it may have been worth the lifting ; a clue , a thread , leading through the maze to that mountain top where things visible and invisible meet . To gather folk - lore one needs , I think , leisure , patience , reverence , and a good memory . I tried not to change or alter anything , but to write down the very words in which the story had been told . Sometimes Mr . Yeats was with me at the telling ; or I would take him to hear for himself something I had been told , that he might be sure I had missed or added nothing . I filled many copybooks , and came to have a very faithful memory for all sides of folk - lore , stories of saints , of heroes , of giants and enchanters , as well as for these visions . For this I have had to " pay the penalty " by losing in some measure that useful and practical side of memory that is concerned with names and dates and the multiplication table , and the numbers on friends ' houses in a street . It 's said there 's everything in the sea the same as on the land , and we know there 's horses in it . This boy here saw a horse one time out in the sea , a grey one , swimming about . And there were three men from the north island caught a horse in their nets one night when they were fishing for mackerel , but they let it go ; it would have broke the boat to bits if they had brought it in , and anyhow they thought it was best to leave it . One year at Kinvara , the people were missing their oats that was eaten in the fields , and they watched one night and it was five or six of the sea - horses they saw eating the oats , but they could not take them , they made off to the sea . Surely those things are on the sea as well as on the land . My father was out fishing one night off Tyrone and something came beside the boat , that had eyes shining like candles . And then a wave came in , and a storm rose of a moment , and whatever was in the wave , the weight of it had like to sink the boat . And then they saw that it was a woman in the sea that had the shining eyes . So my father went to the priest , and he bid him always to take a drop of holy water and a pinch of salt out in the boat with him , and nothing would harm him . There were three or four men went out one day to fish , and it was a dead calm ; but all of a sudden they heard a blast and they looked , and within about three mile of the boat they saw twelve men from the waist , the rest of them was under water . And they had sticks in their hands and were striking one another . And where they were , and the blast , it was rough , but smooth and calm on each side . There 's many of them out in the sea , and often they pull the boats down . It 's about two years since four fishermen went out from Aran , two fathers and two sons , where they saw a big ship corning in and flying the flag for a pilot , and they thought she wanted to be brought in to Galway . And when they got near the ship , it faded away to nothing and the boat turned over and they were all four drowned . There were two brothers of my own went to fish for the herrings , and what they brought up was like the print of a cat , and it turned with the inside of the skin outside , and no hair . So they pulled up the nets , and fished no more that day . There was one of them lying on the strand here , and some of the men of the village came down of a sudden and surprised him . And when he saw he was taken he began a great crying . But they only lifted him down to the sea and put him back into it . Just like a man they said he was . And a little way out there was another just like him , and when he saw that they treated the one on shore so kindly , he bowed his head as if to thank them . There was one Curran told me one night he went down to the strand where he used to be watching for timber thrown up and the like . And on the strand , on the dry sands , he saw a boat , a grand one with sails spread and all , and it up farther than any tide had ever reached . And he saw a great many people round about it , and it was all lighted up with lights . And he got afraid and went away . And four hours after , after sunrise , he went there again to look at it , and there was no sign of it , or of any fire , or of any other thing . The Mara - warra ( mermaid ) was seen on the shore not long ago , combing out her hair . She had no fish 's tail , but was like another woman . There was a ship on the way to America , and a mermaid was seen following it , and the bad weather began to come . And the captain said , " It must be some man in the ship she 's following , and if we knew which one it was , we 'd put him out to her and save ourselves . " So they drew lots , and the lot fell on one man , and then the captain was sorry for him , and said he 'd give him a chance till tomorrow . And the next day she was following them still , and they drew lots again , and the lot fell on the same man . But the captain said he 'd give him a third chance , but the third day the lot fell on him again . And when they were going to throw him out he said , " Let me alone for a while . " And he went to the end of the ship and he began to sing a song in Irish , and when he sang , the mermaid began to be quiet and to rock like as if she was asleep . So he went on singing till they came to America , and just as they got to the land the ship was thrown up into the air , and came down on the water again . There 's a man told me that was surely true . Sometimes a light will come on the sea before the boats to guide them to the land . And my own brother told me one day he was out and a storm came on of a sudden , and the sail of the boat was let down as quick and as well as if two men were in it . Some neighbour or friend it must have been that did that for him . Those that go down to the sea after the tide going out , to cut the weed , often hear under the sand the sound of the milk being churned . There 's some didn 't believe that till they heard it themselves . One night I was out on the boat with another man , and we saw a big ship near us with about twenty lights . She was as close to us as that rock ( about thirty yards ) , but we saw no one on board . And she was like some of the French ships that sometimes come to Galway . She went on near us for a while , and then she turned towards the shore and then we knew that she was not a right ship . And she went straight on to the land , and when she touched it , the lights went out and we saw her no more . A boy told me last night of two men that went with poteen to the Island of Aran . And when they were on the shore they saw a ship coming as if to land , and they said , " We 'll have the bottle ready for those that are coming . " But when the ship came close to the land , it vanished . And presently they got their boat ready and put to sea . And a sudden blast came and swept one of them off . And the other saw him come up again , and put out the oar across his breast for him to take hold of it . But he would not take it but said , " I 'm all right again now , " and sank down again and was never seen no more . For one there 's on the land there 's ten on the sea . When I lived at Ardfry there was never a night but there was a voice heard crying and roaring , by them that were out in the bay . A baker he was from Loughrea , used to give short weight and measure , and so he was put there for a punishment . I was at home and I got some stories from a man I had suspected of having newses . And he told me that when he was a youngster he was at a height where there used to be a great many of them . And all of a sudden he saw them fly out to where a boat was coming from Duras with seaweed . And they went in two flights , and so fast that they swept the water away from each side the boat , and it was left on the sand , and this they did over and over , just to be humbugging the man in the boat , and he was kept there a long time . When they first rose up , they were like clouds of dust , but with all sorts of colours , and then he saw their faces turned , but they kept changing colour every minute . Laughing and humbugging they seemed to be . There was a man on this island was down on the beach one evening with his dog , and some black thing came up out of the sea , and the dog made for it and began to fight it . And the man began to run home and he called the dog , and it followed him , but every now and again it would stop and begin to fight again . And when he got to the house he called the dog in and shut the door , and whatever was outside began hitting against the door but it didn 't get in . But the dog went in under the bed in the room , and before morning it was dead . A horse I 've seen myself on the sea and on the rocks - a brown one , just like another . And I threw a stone at it , and it was gone in a minute . We often heard there was fighting amongst these . And one morning before daybreak I went down to the strand with some others , and the whole of the strand , and it low tide , was covered with blood . There was a man coming from Galway here and he had no boatman . And on the way he saw a man that was behind him in the boat , that was putting up the sail and taking the management of everything , and he spoke no word . And he was with him all the way , but when the boat came to land , he was gone , and the man isn 't sure , but he thinks it was his brother . There were some men out fishing in the bay one time , and a man came and held on to the boat , and wanted them to make room for him to get in , and after a time he left them . He was one of those . And there was another of them came up on the rocks one day , and called out to Martin Flaherty that was going out and asked what was his name . There 's said to be another island out there that 's enchanted , and there are some that see it . And it 's said that a fisherman landed on it one time , and he saw a little house , and he went in , and a very nice - looking young woman came out and said , " What will you say to me ? " and he said , " You are a very nice lady . " And a second came and asked him the same thing and a third , and he made the same answer . And after that they said , " You 'd best run of your life , " and so he did , and his curragh was floating along and he had but just time to get into it , and the island was gone . But if he had said " God bless you , " the island would have been saved . I don 't give in to these things myself , but they 'd make you believe them in the middle island . Mangan , that I lodged with there , told me of seeing a ship when he was out with two other men , that followed them and vanished . And he said one of the men took to his bed from that time and died . And Doran told me about the horse he saw , that was in every way like a horse you 'd see on land . And a man on the south island told me how he saw a calf one morning on the strand , and he thought it belonged to a neighbour , and was going to drive it up to his field , when its mother appeared on the sea , and it went off to her . They are in the sea as well as on the land . That is well known by those that are out fishing by the coast . When the weather is calm , they can look down sometimes and see cattle and pigs and all such things as we have ourselves . And at nights their boats come out and they can be seen fishing , but they never last out after one o ' clock . The cock always crows on the first of March every year at one o ' clock . And there was a man brought a cock out with him in his boat to try them . And the first time when it crowed they all vanished . That is how they were detected . There was two fine young women - red - haired women - died in my village about six months ago . And I believe they 're living yet . And there are some have seen them appear . All I ever saw myself was one day I was out fishing with two others , and we saw a canoe coming near us , and we were afraid it would come near enough to take away our fish . And as we looked it turned into a three - masted ship , and people in it . I could see them well , dark - coloured and dressed like sailors . But it went away and did us no harm . And one morning early , I and other men that were with me , and one of them a friend of the man here , saw a ship coming to the island , and he thought she wanted a pilot , and put out in the curragh . But when we got to where she was , there was no sign of her , but where she was the water was covered with black gulls , and I never saw a black gull before , thousands and crowds of them , and not one white bird among them . And one of the boys that was with me took a tarpin and threw it at one of the gulls and hit it on the head , and when he did , the curragh went down to the rowlocks in the water - up to that - and it 's nothing but a miracle she ever came up again , but we got back to land . I never went to a ship again , for the people said it was on account of me helping in the Preventive Service it happened , and that if I 'd hit at one of the gulls myself , there would have been a bad chance for us . But those were no right gulls , and the ship was no living ship . It 's in the middle island the most of them are , and I 'll tell you a thing that I know of myself that happened not long ago . There was a young girl , and one evening she was missing , and they made search for her everywhere and they thought that she was drowned or that she had gone away with some man . And in the evening of the next day there was a boy out in a curragh , and as he passed by a rock that is out in the sea there was the girl on it , and he brought her off . And surely she could not go there by herself . I suppose she wasn 't able to give much account of it , and now she 's after going to America . And in Aran there were three boys and their uncle went out to a ship they saw coming , to pilot her into the bay . But when they got to where she was , there was no ship , and a sea broke over the canoe , and they were drowned , all fine strong men . But a man they had with them that was no use or of no account , he came safe to land . And I know a man in this island saw curraghs and curraghs full of people about the island of a Sunday morning early , but I never saw them myself . And one Sunday morning in my time there were scores and scores lying their length by the sea on the sand below , and they saw a woman in the sea , up to her waist , and she racking her hair and settling herself and as clean and as nice as if she was on land . Scores of them saw that . There 's a house in the village close by this that 's haunted . My sister was sitting near it one day , and it empty and locked , and some other little girls , and they heard a noise in it , and at the same time the flags they were sitting on grew red - hot , that they had to leave them . And another time the woman of the house was sick , and a little girl that was sitting by the fire in the kitchen saw standing in the door the sister of the woman that was sick , and she a good while dead , and she put up her arm , as if to tell her not to notice her . And the poor woman of that house , she had no luck , nothing but miscarriages or dead babies . And one child lived to be nine months old , and there was less flesh on it at the end of the nine months than there was the day it was born . She has a little girl now that 's near a year old , but her arm isn 't the size of that , and she 's crabbed and not like a child as she should be . Many a one that 's long married without having a child goes to the fortune - teller in Galway , and those that think anything of themselves go to Roundstone . I know a woman was washed and laid out , and it went so far that two half - penny candles were burned over her . And then she sat up , came back again , and spoke to her husband , and told him how to divide his property , and to manage the children well . And her step - son began to question her , and he might have got a lot out of her but her own son stopped him and said to let her alone . And then she turned over on her side and died . She was not to say an old woman . It 's not often the old are taken . What use would there be for them ? But a woman to be taken young , you know there 's demand for her . It 's the people in the middle island know about these things . There were three boys from there lost in a curragh at the point near the lighthouse , and for long after their friends were tormented when they came there fishing , and they would see ships there when the people of this island that were out at the same time couldn 't see them . There were three or four out in a curragh near the lighthouse , and a conger - eel came and upset it , and they were all saved but one , but he was brought down and for the whole day they could hear him crying and screeching under the sea . And they were not the only ones , but a fisherman that was there from Galway had to go away and leave it , because of the screeching . There was a coast - guard 's wife there was all but gone , but she was saved after . And there 's a boy here now was for a long time that they 'd give the world he was gone altogether , with the state he was in , and now he 's as strong as any boy in the island ; and if ever any one was away and came back again , it was him . Children used often to be taken , but there 's a great many charms in use in these days that saves them . A big sewing - needle you 'll see the woman looking for to put back again into the world before they die in the place of some young person . And even a beast of any consequence if anything happens to it , no one in the island would taste it ; there might be something in it , some old woman or the like . There were a few young men from here were kept in Galway for a day , and they went to a woman there that works the cards . And she told them of deaths that would come in certain families . And it wasn 't a fortnight after that five boys were out there , just where you see the curragh now , and they were upset and every one drowned , and they were of the families that she had named on the cards . My uncle told me that one night they were all up at that house up the road , making a match for his sister , and they stopped till near morning , and when they went out , they all had a drop taken . And he was going along home with two or three others and one of them , Michael Flaherty , said he saw people on the shore . And another of them said that there were not , and my uncle said , " If Flaherty said that and it not true , we have a right to bite the ear off him , and it would be no harm . " And then they parted , and my uncle had to pass by the beach , and then he saw whole companies of people coming up from the sea , that he didn 't know how he 'd get through them , but they opened before him and let him pass . There was a man had his horse drawing seaweed up there on the rocks , the way you see them drawing it every day , in a basket on the mare 's back . And on this day every time he put the load on , the mare would let its leg slip and it would come down again , and he was vexed and he bad a stick in his hand and he gave the mare a heavy blow . And that night she had a foal that was dead , not come to its full growth , and it had spots over it , and every spot was of a different colour . And there was no sire on the island at that time , so whatever was the sire must have come up from the sea . There 's no doubt at all about the sea - horses . There was a man out at the other side of the island , and he saw one standing on the rocks and he threw a stone at it and it went off in the sea . He said it was grand to see it swimming , and the mane and the tail floating on the top of the water . There was a man here was going to build a new house , and he brought a wise woman to see would it be in the right place . And she made five heaps of stones in five places , and said , " Whatever heap isn 't knocked in the night , build it there . " And in the morning all the heaps were knocked but one , and so he built it there [ 9 ] . I got a story from an old man down by the sea at Tyrone . He says there was a man went down one night to move his boat from the shore where it was to the pier . And when he had put out , he found it was going out to sea , instead of to touch the pier , and he felt it very heavy in the water , and he looked behind him and there on the back of the boat were six men in shiny black clothes like sailors , and there was one like a harvest - man dressed in white flannel with a belt round his waist . And he asked what they were doing , and the man in white said he had brought the others out to make away with them there , and he took and cut their bodies in two and threw them one by one over the boat , and then he threw himself after them into the sea . And the boat went under water too , and the poor man himself lost his wits , but it came up again and he said he had never seen as many people as he did in that minute under the water . And then he got home and left the boat , and in the morning he came down to it , and there was blood in it ; and first he washed it and then he painted it , but for all he could do , he couldn 't get rid of the blood . There was a woman , a friend of this man 's , living out in the middle island , and one day she came down to where a man of this island was putting out his curragh to come back , and she said , " I just saw a great crowd of them - that 's the Sheogue - going over to your island like a cloud . " And when he got home he went up to a house there beyond , where the old woman used to be selling poteen on the sly . And while he was there her little boy came running in and cried , " Hide away the poteen , for the police are on the island ! Such a man called to me from his curragh to give warning , for he saw the road full of them with the crowd of them and they with their guns and cutlasses and all the rest . " But the man was in the house first knew well what it was , after what he heard from the woman on the other island , and that they were no right police , and sure enough no other one ever saw them . And that same day , my mother had put out wool to dry in front of where that house is with the three chimneys , near the Chapel . And I was there talking to some man , one on each side of the yard , and the wall between us . And the day was as fine as this day is and finer , and not a breath of air stirring . And a woman that lived near by had her wool out drying too . And the wool that was in my mother 's yard began to rise up , as if something was under it , and I called to the other man to help me to hold it down , but for all we could do it went up in the air , a hundred feet and more , till we could see it no more . And after a couple of hours it began to drop again ) like snow , some on the thatch and some on the rocks and some in the gardens . And I think it was a fortnight before my mother had done gathering it . And one day she was spinning it , I don 't know what put it in my mind , but I asked her did she lose much of that wool . And what she said was , " If I didn 't get more than my own , I didn 't get less . " That 's true and no lie , for I never told a lie in my life - I think . But the wool belonging to the neighbouring woman was neveAnd the woman that had the wool that wasn 't stirred , she is the woman I married after , and that 's now my wife . There was a man that died in the middle island , that had two wives . And one day he was out in the curragh he saw the first wife appear . And after that one time the son of the second wife was sick , and the little girl , the first wife 's daughter , was out tending cattle , and a can of water with her and she had a waistcoat of her father 's put about her body , where it was cold . And her mother appeared to her in the form of a sheep , and spoke to her , and told her what herbs to find , to cure the step - brother , and sure enough they cured him . And she bid her leave the waistcoat there and the can , and she did . And in the morning the waistcoat was folded there , and the can standing on it . And she appeared to her in her own shape another time , after that . Why she came like a sheep the first time was that she wouldn 't be frightened . The girl is in America now , and so is the stepbrother got well . There was a girl here that had been to America and came back , and one day she was coming over from Liscannor in a curragh , and she looked back and there behind the curragh was the " Gan ceann " the headless one . And he followed the boat a great way , but she said nothing . But a gold pin that was in her hair fell out , and into the sea , that she had brought from America , and then it disappeared . And her sister was always asking her where was the pin she brought from America , and she was afraid to say . But at last she told her , and the sister said , " It 's well for you it fell out , for what was following you would never have left you , till you threw it a ring or something made of gold . " It was the sister herself that told me this . Up in the village beyond they think a great deal of these things and they won 't part with a drop of milk on May Eve , and last Saturday week that was May Eve there was a poor woman dying up there , and she had no milk of her own , and as is the custom , she went out to get a drop from one or other of the neighbours . But not one would give it because it was May Eve . I declare I cried when I heard it , for the poor woman died on the second day after . It has been written extensively by leading intuitive healers , that crystals have physical , spiritual and emotional frequencies that can affect the chakra 's and more importantly re - tune our energetic body . According to intuitive and crystal healers , crystals and minerals provide healing and is an art and practice , done on a metaphysical , energetic and physical level . Crystals and minerals are being used extensively in Holistic and Complementary Medicine treatment . 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After the wedding on July 25th , Tonya and I didn 't have a honeymoon . We had planned on at least spending the weekend in the mountains up in Asheville . But her car was running hot ( remember that I bitched about that ? ) . We didn 't know if we could make it to Asheville or not . So we wound up spending the night in the Comfort Inn in Kings Mountain . That was kind of funny . We were so exhausted that all we did was sleep . Romantic , huh ? But I guess it shows what realists we are . We needed sleep more than we needed hanky panky , and we had the rest of our lives for the latter . After the wedding , we stayed with my mom for a few months . We had been sleeping on the mattress and box strings from my bed , out in the storage building behind my mom 's house . I know that sounds incredibly bad , especially to a city boy like yourself ( grin ) , and I guess in some ways it 'll make funny stories someday . But we had a drop cord threaded out there , with a lamp and a nightstand . And we had my kerosene heater for when the nights got cold , and a fan for when it was warm . It was a storage building , and we were surrounded by stuff , but it wasn 't so bad . We had slept out there the winter before , and hadn 't died . ( grin ) I was working at a warehouse , but fucked it up . I had hurt my ankle a few weeks before the wedding when I lost an argument with my forklift . It was a long time healing . But by the time the wedding came around , I was able to walk fairly solidly , although I still had to be careful . When I was finally able to resume my full duties at work , I discovered that I had been replaced . Someone else was on my forklift doing my job . And my employers didn 't seem to know what to do with me . So they made me a checker , which meant that I went around and checked completed orders after they were pulled . I hated it . For one thing , it was hot as hell in there when you rambled around on a forklift . But when you had to stand in one place and count boxes all day , it was like standing in a sauna . On top of that , quite frankly , being a checker was a hell of a lot more responsibility , but I was making the same amount of money as I was making on a forklift . And the latter job is largely a no - brainer . So I hated my job . One day on the way to work , thinking about things had changed with a job that I had liked before hurting my foot , I took a left and went to the temporary agency who actually paid my paycheck . I told them that things had changed since I hurt my foot , and I was not happy there . I felt like I was a spare part , and that if it hadn 't been an on - the - job accident that had messed up my ankle , they would have fired me long ago . It seemed like they were trying to get me to quit . So I asked Creative Staffing to reassign me . And they agreed that it would be no problem . But they never did find me another job . Sometime in early August , my aunt Loretta stumbled across an ad for a house for rent . $ 350 a month . Just outside of Kings Mountain . So we went to take a look at it . It was a tiny place . But it was back in the woods , on the outskirts of town . It wasn 't so bad . And the yard was nice . Just six feet or so behind our house , it was total forest . Naturally that appealed to a couple of Pagans like us , so we took it . We paid a deposit and the first month 's rent with the money we received from you and from her parents , and we moved in around August 12th . Like I said , it was a tiny place . We didn 't have room for most of my stuff . But we settled in quite nicely . The key word here is " quaint . " It had no air conditioning , and no screens on the windows . So to stay cool we had to make peace with the bugs and mosquitos . And we were regularly invaded by grand - daddy - longlegs spiders . But there was a certain charm to the place . It was off the beaten track . And it 's easy to be at peace in a place where you 're all surrounded by woodland . It wasn 't exaclty out in the styx or anything , but that 's what made it nice . It was close enough to town that going to the store wasn 't a problem . But it was far enough out that we felt kind of isolated . We loved the location , if not the house . But we wouldn 't stay there long . Early in October they called Tonya into work early one Friday . They told her that the company had been bought out , and that all operations were moving to the parent company 's main headquarters in Greenville , South Carolina . So she could either find other work , or move to Greenville . Tonya went down and looked the place over , and it wasn 't so bad . They even offered to pay for moving expenses . Since I wasn 't working yet , moving didn 't seem to be much of a problem . So we agreed to move to Greenville . Naturally , this put an end to my job hunting in North Carolina . There wasn 't much use in getting a job I wouldn 't keep but a few weeks . So instead I spent my time packing things , while we felt out leads for houses . It just so happened that a lady whom Tonya worked with knew some people with some houses in Ware Shoals , which is about 35 miles south of Greenville . We both thought that was a long ways out , but thought we 'd see the house , anyway . So we arranged to look at it . Man . We loved the house . Big yard . Big house . Big trees . And Ware Shoals was such a pretty little place . We decided to take it . And we decided to move down within a week or two , which would be at the end of October . God . That was our first mistake . But we really didn 't have a choice . Can you imagine moving on Halloween weekend ? There were no trucks anywhere . Seemed everyone else had the same idea . We had begun to think that we wouldn 't find anything , and we really needed to move as quickly as possible . We were running behind in our rent in preparation for the move . And if we stayed any longer , we 'd have to pay it . Luckily , Tonya 's mom stepped in . She reserved a U - Haul truck for us using her credit card . That 's the only way we could get one . We arrived in Charlotte to pick up our truck . We were about an hour late from the time we were supposed to pick it up . But it didn 't matter . They didn 't have a truck for us , anyway . They had reserved a truck for us that hadn 't been turned in yet . So we had no choice but to wait . We sat out in front of the U - Haul place for over an hour , waiting on this truck to be returned . But it never was . Finally we asked them if they could give us another , larger truck . They had a few larger trucks sitting around . And while it 'd be more expensive , we didn 't have a choice . It was already past noon , and we had planned to leave that night . But there we were in Charlotte , waiting . Anyway , we got the truck , car trailer in tow , and headed back to Kings Mountain . I don 't need to tell you what a mess moving is . I 'm sure you 're all too familiar with the torment involved . But what we discovered was that we had bitten off far more than we could chew . We had stuff at our house , and I had a bunch of stuff at my mom 's house . We quickly realized that there was simply no way we could leave on Oct . 30th , like we 'd hoped . So we packed and loaded what we could that night , and then went at it again the next day . We were finally ready to roll late on Halloween night , and actually left around 12 : 30 . I guess that would be Monday morning , on Nov . 1st . The drive down was a trip . The truck ( as all U - Haul trucks are , I think ) was a clunker , and liked to ramble all over the road . To boot , I had my Thunderbird in tow on the car trailer . That was fun , let me tell you . Tonya followed in her Grand Am , with our cats riding in her lap ( we took my tom , Hannibal , and her cat , Scotty , and left Moe with my mom ) . Except for feeling like I was driving a semi , the trip itself wasn 't so bad . Tonya believes that with the car in tow , the truck was just about the length of a semi . And I just about agree . We got down to Ware Shoals around 4 : 30am Monday morning on the 1st . The truck was supposed by turned in by noon . No problem , right ? I 'd unload the car and then we 'd get to unloading the truck . So I pulled the truck down to a mill parking lot down behind the house to unload the Thunderbird . And guess what ? The damned thing wouldn 't crank . We couldn 't unload the truck until we got my car unloaded . But it wouldn 't crank . So we couldn 't get it off . We didn 't know what the hell to do . I figured it was out of gas . The gas hand was below empty . But with that car , there still should have been enough gas to crank it and get it into the yard . So we left in Tonya 's car looking for a gas station . Now , Ware Shoals is a tiny town . It shuts down completely at night . So there was nowhere to get gas . But there was a gas station about seven miles up the road , so we headed there . We got some gas and came back , put it in the car , but the damned thing still wouldn 't crank . We ended up doing the only thing we could . We waited until sun - up and went knocking on our new landlord 's door . I had hoped that he could jump off the car , and we could unload it , and get on with the task at hand . So around 9 : 00 he pulled his truck around and tried to jump my T - bird off . But it still wouldn 't crank . It wouldn 't turn over . It just wouldn 't crank . We eventually wound up , with the help of a fella who stopped by , pushing the car off the trailer . We left it in the parking lot of an abandoned clinic across the road from our house . Okay . Problem one down . I unhooked the trailer and pulled the truck down to the house , and we proceeded to unload it . Man , that was rough . We arrived exhausted from two days of packing and loading , and now had to unload the truck . We set at it like the troopers we were , though . So finally , about 10 : 30am , we started unloading the truck . I won 't bore you with details there . Just suffice it to say that we kept at it , and kept at it , and kept at it . But when 12 : 00 was drawing near , we saw that there was no way we were going to return the truck at noon . So Tonya called the return place . We were supposed to return the truck in Greenwood , but there was a garage here in town that served as a U - Haul center . U - Haul said we could turn it in there , so Tonya called them to tell them we would be late . Luckily , the lady who handled U - Haul returns wouldn 't be in until 4 : 30pm . So we had bought some time . Anyway , we returned to the chore of unloading the truck . We were already zombies . We had been awake since 8 : 00am the day before , and were about dead on our feet . But we kept at it . Eventually 4 : 00 was approaching , and we were still only about 2 / 3 finishing unloading the truck . We decided that the only way to get the truck unloaded and returned on time was to start sitting stuff off in the yard . And that 's what we did . Couch . Refridgerator . Recliners . The big stuff . Lots of boxes , too . And somehow we were finished by 4 : 30 . Since the U - Haul place was only a block away , we would make it . We went back up and got the car trailer , and dropped the truck off , only fifteen minutes late . Well , 4 and 3 / 4 hours late , technically , but they didn 't notice . Well , the lady who handled the U - Haul returns still wasn 't there . So we couldn 't get the $ 80 deposit her mom had secured the truck with . No big deal . We figured on taking the deposit and living off of it until Tonya got paid next , then paying her mom back . But it wouldn 't hurt us to wait until the next day . We walked back to the house and resumed our hellish task . And believe me , by that time we felt like we were trapped in a purgatory from which there was no escape . Tonya was so exhausted she was getting sick , so she rested a bit while I kept bring stuff in . Somehow we managed to get just about everything in . I wound up having to take the door clean off of the frame to get the refridgerator into the house . And by the time we got to our sofa , Tonya 's arms were hurting her so bad that she couldn 't help carry it . So I got under it , with its legs over my shoulders , and trudged through the yard , dragging it behind me . The next morning Tonya got up and went to work . And when I got up , I headed up to the U - Haul place to get our deposit refund . I went up the steps that lead to the road , and headed down the sidewalk toward Scott 's Automotive ( the U - Haul place ) . The first thing I noticed was that my car was gone . My fucking car was just gone . It wasn 't in the parking lot across the street . I was still too tired to be very upset . Our landlord , Gerald , had told me the car would be okay parked over there . But I knew it had been towed off . I knew no one would steal it . For one thing , it wouldn 't crank . And for another , who in their right mind would want a beat up old Thunderbird ? Anyway , I went on up to U - Haul place . The mechanic on duty told me that the U - Haul lady wasn 't there . She and her husband had went to Greenwood . But they would be back in about half and hour . So , while I was waiting I walked down to the police station to see if they had towed my car . Indeed , they had . I was livid , but too tired to be really angry . The lady there told me that they had assumed it was abandoned , since it had a dead tag on it . I asked her if they were in the habit of hauling off cars as soon as they came across them . After all , it hadn 't even sat there 24 hours , and there were no signs posted saying that parking there was forbidden . And as for the car , about all they could tell me was that it had been towed by Greg 's Auto . I 'd need to get in touch with them to arrange having it brought back . So I went back to the U - Haul place . The U - Haul Lady was still not there . So I used their phone to call Greg 's and see what I 'd have to do to get my car back . I was told that there was an $ 85 towing fee , plus a storage fee of $ 12 a day as long as they had to keep it . At this point , I don 't think stunned was the right word for it . Outraged ? Naw , I was too tired for that . I was angry , though . Not only had the cops hauled off my car with no good reason , but this son of a bitch was going to ream us out . $ 85 for a towing fee ? That was outrageous ! Oh , well . I 'd deal with that later . Maybe with the $ 20 I had in my pocket and the $ 80 we 'd get back from our deposit on the U - Haul , we could work something out . But first I had to get our deposit back . So I sat down and waited for the now mysterious U - Haul lady to finally made an appearance . And , finally , she and her husband drove up . We signed off on the paperwork , and then I was told that there would be no deposit refund . Since the deposit had been made with a credit card , they could only return the deposit to the credit card , no matter that the remainder of the bill had been paid in cash . I was stunned . Tonya and I had $ 20 to our name , and it was a full week before she got paid again . And my car was being held hostage by some backwater redneck , who wouldn 't even have the car if it hadn 't been for the cops not having anything better to do . The U - Haul lady and her husband had seen my car getting towed . They had passed as the wrecker was hooking it up the night before , sometime around 11 : 00 . So my car had sat there for all of about 12 hours before it got towed . But there was nothing that could be done right then . So I went home , hurt and angry , and maybe even a little scared . I didn 't know what we were going to do . We didn 't have any money . How the hell were we going to get my car back ? Especially when every day it had to sit there tacked $ 12 more onto our bill ? I paced the house for a long time , angry . I couldn 't call Tonya , since we didn 't have a phone . And the only pay phone was 1 / 2 mile away . Not a major walk , but I was still exhausted and sore from our Halloween marathon . In the end , I finally needed to blow off some steam . I walked down to the police station again ( which is a block from our house ) , just to find out why they had towed the car . The lady behind the desk seemed concerned by this time , I suppose wondering if I was going to go ape - shit or something . But she contacted the cop at home who had had my car towed off . He was nice enough , and explained to me that it hadn 't shown up in the records when he had ran the tag ( because it hadn 't been running or legally registered in several years ) . He didn 't know who to contact about it , so he figured it was either stolen or abandoned . And in addition , a couple of old ladies who lived on that block had complained that they couldn 't see around my car there at the stop sign . So he had it towed . When Tonya got home from work , her first question upon coming in the door was " Where the fuck is your car ? " And I told her . I also told her about us not getting the deposit back . So , in short , we were in a world of shit . We decided that since her car had a full tank of gas , we would spend our last $ 20 by splitting it : half on food , and the other half held back for gas . We drove up to the Piggly Wiggly ( a grocery store ) to get some food , and Tonya called Greg 's again just to confirm what he had told me . When we got back , I paced for a bit . And I finally decided to go ask our landlord about the city government . Did Ware Shoals have a mayor or a city manager ? Stuff like that . In other words , who did I need to go talk to to raise total hell about my car getting towed off ? Gerald , our landlord , told me not to worry . He would check into it to see what he could do . The next morning he came and knocked on the door , and asked me if I was ready to go get my car . He figured since he told me that the car would be okay parked across the road , it was his fault that it had gotten towed . He had paid the $ 85 towing fee , and persuaded Greg to waive the storage fees . So we were to go pick up my car . Of course , when we got out to Greg 's , the car still wouldn 't crank . They tried jumping it off . They tried pouring started fluid down the carburator . They tried dropping in a new battery . Nothing worked . So finally Greg offered , as a favor to Gerald , to tow it back for free , saying that they were about the break for lunch , anyway , and would just drive the wrecker . After the great move , things sort of settled in . I spent most of November going to Greenville with her , putting in job applications . But since we didn 't have a telephone , it wasn 't very likely I was going to find anything . How would they call me ? I gave them Tonya 's work number , but no one ever used it . Plus , I had my same old problem . All my references were gone . Every major place I 've ever worked no longer exists . And now on top of that , I was a new resident of South Carolina . With a North Carolina drivers license , at that . : - / Then on December 9th , while coming back from Greenville , a lady pulled out in front of us . We hit her . It wasn 't a terrible wreck . Tonya smashed her head on the windshield . But everyone involved walked away from the wreck , which is something to be thankful for . But now we had no car . The front end of Tonya 's Grand Am was fucked up , and it wasn 't drivable . So we had to leave it in the parking lot of a Home Depot until we could figure out what to do . Our insurance had been cancelled just before we left North Carolina , and we were to get more a week later . But we had the wreck before that , and had no insurance . So we were fucked . Luckily a friend of Tonya 's from work had stopped by , and he gave us a ride home . Otherwise , I don 't know what we would have done . So we spent a few days not knowing what we were going to do . We didn 't have any money , and we didn 't have a car . Man , a cloud of doom hung over us . To make matters worse , our heating oil ran out . And one night we had to walk a five mile round trip to go get kerosene for my space heater . It was a bad time . The wreck put us in a royal bind . We didn 't know what to do . Tonya couldn 't get to work . And since we didn 't have a phone , no one could get in touch with us . But a few tension filled days later , Tonya checked her voice mail from a pay phone , and a lady from Nationwide insurance had contacted her about the wreck . While Tonya had been charged with allowing a vehicle to be maintained without insurance ( an automatic $ 250 fine in South Carolina ) , the wreck had been the other lady 's fault . So Nationwide was prepared to make arrangements with us . They got us a rental car for a week , and on the last day of that week they finally sent out an evaluator to Home Depot to check out her car . They totalled her car , saying it was beyond repair . They paid Tonya for the week she missed from work , and gave her $ 3 , 000 for her car . We opened up an account with NationsBank , putting $ 2 , 000 in checking and $ 1 , 000 in savings . But since it was coming up on the Christmas weekend , they told us they would have to hold the money until after Christmas . So we had $ 3 , 000 in the bank , but couldn 't use any of it . : - / During that week we had been looking at cars . We were making arrangements to buy a Dodge Neon when I spotted a 1995 Thunderbid . Much to my surprise , Tonya decided she wanted the Thunderbird . So we let the Neon go and tried for the Thunderbird . Since I was unemployed and had bad credit besides , we had to try for it in Tonya 's name . Her parents agreed to co - sign for the loan , and we got it . The guys at Greg 's had suspected that my spark plugs were fouled , which is why my car wouldn 't start . So I knew I needed to replace the spark plugs . My alternator was also fried , so I needed to replace that , as well . I changed the spark plugs with no problem . And I studied my T - bird manual long enough to feel confident that I could change the alternator . So I took off the alternator belt and started unbolting the alternator . But it wouldn 't come off . The pivot bolt was fused to the alternator . The bolt and alternator would move a little , so the bolt wasn 't fused in the engine block . It was just stuck in the alternator . And since the alternator would only move so far , I couldn 't just screw it out by turning the whole alternator . I was fucked . I went up to Scott 's ( the garage where we turned in the U - Haul ) and asked them if they could do it . But they were in the middle of moving to a new location and couldn 't do it . But I had seen a place across from Piggly Wiggly called Sullivan 's Garage . I walked up there and asked them if they could get the alternator off for me , and they agreed . So I went back home , bolted down the old alternator , put back on the alternator belt , and prayed . But when I put some gas in the carburator , the old car cranked right up . I drove it up to Sullivan 's and left it , and by the next day she was ready . They had to cut off the old alternator with an power welder . But they got the new alternator on . We were ready to roll . We had a car for the time being . Of course , it was highly illegal . Dead tag . Dead inspection sticker , etc . But we didn 't have a choice . It was all we had . We would just have to drive it until we could get it squared away . But at the very least , Tonya could get to work . So I cranked the car that first Monday after returning the rental to take Tonya to work . The brakes were acting up , and I was worried about it , but it was running , and I thought the brakes would hold . We could get to Greenville . So we set out that morning . About two thirds of the way to that gas station I mentioned ( the one that 's about seven miles from the house ) , there was steam coming from under the hood and the temperature gauge was going up . By the time we reached the gas station , it was running hot . I discovered that the upper radiator hose joint was leaking . I 'd noticed that it was a little loose when putting in the spark plugs , but thought it 'd be okay . I was wrong . I got some radiator sealant and some electrical tape , and rigged up the joint so that we could at least get somewhere . We were afraid to try for Greenville , so we turned for home . Good thing , too . By the time we got back to Ware Shoals , the brakes were barely working . It would slow the car , but at any stop sign or light , the car would slowly inch forward , with the brake pedal all the way to the floor . We were lucky that Tonya had just gotten paid . We sent the car to a garage near the house . They had to replace the master cylinder , which is the reservoir that holds and pumps the brake fluid . Mine had quit working . They also soldered that radiator joint . When we got the car back , the brakes worked , but the radiator still leaked . Not as bad , though . We could drive it as long as we put water in it before leaving for Greenville , and water in it before heading home . But at least Tonya didn 't miss much work . While we still had the rental car , I had ran around and tried to get things squared away to make the car legal , figuring on getting the tag switched over to South Carolina . I started by getting a South Carolina drivers license , and by getting insurance for my car , and then started working on the car itself . But what we quickly discovered was that I couldn 't get a South Carolina tag for the car . To switch it over I needed the title . But the title was being held by a finance company in Kings Mountain . In order to get it switched over , I would have to file a request with the South Carolina Department of Motor Vehicles for a new title . They would then contact the state of North Carolina with the request . The state of North Carolina would then contact Amity Finance and tell them to send in the title . Amity Finance would then send the title to the state of North Carolina , North Carolina would cancel it and notify South Carolina . South Carolina would issue a new title , which they would send back to North Carolina , and North Carolina would send the new title back to Amity Finance . By the time we turned in the rental , the car was still illegal . We didn 't have time to wait for getting the title changed over . Needless to say . We needed the car legal , and fast . Luckily , since it WAS still carrying a North Carolina registration , I could get a North Carolina tag for it , even though I now had a South Carolina drivers license , because our new insurance company was a nationwide agency ( State Farm ) . But illegal or not , and leaking radiator or not , we managed to make it up to North Carolina to spend Christmas with my mom . Lucky thing , too , since I got to see Pilar , and that was a wonderful Christmas gift . I just wish we had gotten to spend more time with her . But we didn 't dare stop down at Joanne 's on the way back home . I wasn 't so much worried about the radiator , but I was worried about having a dead tag . So since I was planning on coming back to North Carolina after Christmas to get a tag , I promised to drop in and see her . And so a few days later I took Tonya to work one morning and then headed back to North Carolina , praying that the radiator would hold out and that I wouldn 't get stopped with a dead tag and no inspection sticker . I went to my mom 's house , where a friend of her 's had brought her car for me to drive to Shelby and the courthouse . I went and paid the property taxes on my car , got a tag , and then went back to Kings Mountain ( the friend 's car was trying to run hot on me , too ) . Then I took my car and had it inspected . So we still had a radiator problem , but the car was now legal . A week or so into January , 1999 , Nationsbank finally cut loose our $ 3 , 000 . We could go ahead and make that downpayment on that 1995 T - bird I mentioned some while back . The loan had gone through and was approved . So all we had to do was go sign the papers and drive the car home . We started calling around to see about insurance , and that 's when we ran into our next problem . See , Tonya already had points on her license for a wreck she was in a year before we got married . Our last wreck , where she got charged for allowing her car to operate with no insurance , added more points to it . And since the car was going to be in her name , the insurance had to be in her name , as well . We discovered that insurance for that car was going to be over $ 500 a month . To give you an idea of how much money that is down here , Tonya makes pretty good money , and brings home around $ 600 every two weeks . So essentially , if we got that ' 95 Thunderbird , one of us would be working just to pay for the car . $ 500 insurance , plus the car payment , which was going to be around $ 275 . 80 % of one of our salaries would be going just to pay for the new car . We settled on the only other option we had . And that was to get my car straightened out . We would have to drive it until we could save up the money for a cheap little car which we could pay cash for ( and which we could put in my name ) . So we took some money out of the bank and bought a new radiator for my car . I put it on myself ( one of many firsts I 've had to master because of that car ) to save money . Of course , by this time the carburator was acting up . It had been acting up for awhile , but it was getting worse . I don 't know if you have ever heard of " loping , " but that 's what it was doing . That 's when an idling car sounds like someone is pressing the accelerator over and over . And in between gas surges , it tries to cut off . I turned up the idle speed so that it wouldn 't cut off , but it was still doing it . Basically , my carburator was shot . During this time I changed the spark plugs again , and found that the new ones , a little over a month old , were getting fouled . So there was a problem . We had a court date on January 16 over the wreck , and dished out the $ 250 fine . Since Tonya had never gotten her South Carolina drivers license , they couldn 't do much to her . But part of her sentence is that when she ever gets her South Carolina drivers license , it 's automatically suspended for three months . So if she goes and gets her license changed over , they 'll immediately take it away from her for three months . Gotta love South Carolina . Anyway , we were planning on putting on a new carburator . The next day I was scheduled to take the car back to Sullivan 's so that he could check out the carburator and tell me if he could fix the one we had or if we should just get a new one . We left the court that Thursday and I took her back to work . I noticed as I let her out that the car was acting strange and was trying to cut off . But I thought it would be ok . My job hunting was on hold until we could get the car straightened out , but I had an interview that following Monday . Anyway , I dropped off Tonya and went to my usual spot in the parking lot of a Bi - Lo to read a book until she got off work . Later that day , around 5 : 10 , I decided to go up to a McDonald 's to use the bathroom , and then I was going to go pick up Tonya from work . When I cranked the car , it ran like shit . It ran so rough that it felt like the motor was going to fall out . I mean majorly rough . Something was wrong . It wasn 't loping as much as it sounded like something had come loose and was rattling around inside the engine . Needless to say , we couldn 't drive it back to Ware Shoals . So we got a rental car from the Budget Car Rentals who we were going to buy that Neon from . We left my Thunderbird in Greenville and came home . The next day I took Tonya to work and then arranged for a wrecker to come pick up my car to tow it back to Ware Shoals . To give you an idea of how outragerous that towing fee was when the cops had my car towed , that cost $ 85 . This other wrecker service only charged us $ 75 to tow it 35 miles from Greenville to Ware Shoals . Anyway , Les , the mechanic at Sullivan 's , looked the car over the following Saturday and decided that the carburator was beyond repair . Our only option was to put on a new one . And since that was something he couldn 't get for us , I 'd have to arrange it . So we ordered a new carburator that day . It came in the following Wednesday , I took it to Les , and we finally got my car back on Friday . The bill for the rental car was $ 400 . The bill for the new carburator and installation was $ 300 . Go figure . ( grin ) Wednesday of last week , January 27th , I was again biding my time in Greenville , reading a book and waiting for Tonya to get off work , planning to resume the great job hunt on February 1st . I again went to McDonald 's to use the bathroom before picking up Tonya from work . The car was running fine . The new carburator was doing well . Things were looking up . I came out of McDonald 's , got in the car , cranked it up , same old same old , and put it in reverse . I backed out of my parking space . But when I went to put the car in drive , nothing happened . The shifter moved , but nothing happened . The shifter just moved freely , like it wasn 't connected . Les had warned me that the transmission would go out before the engine would , that the engine was in great shape , but the transmission needed work . Well , there it was . I did the only thing I could do . I swung the car around and backed into another space . I don 't remember feeling anything . It was just another in a long string of mishaps , like yet another mine going off in the middle of a war . I wasn 't angry . I wasn 't sad . I was just tired . And this was one more thing . I called Tonya , hating to tell her that something else had gone wrong , but didn 't know what else to do . I couldn 't exactly hide it from her . She didn 't take it very well , and I can 't say that I blame her . How much more could happen to us ? She was very upset , and crying over the phone . And I stood there , staring at the car in complete resignation . To me it was just one more thing . I know I should have been upset . At least as upset as Tonya was . But like I said . It was just another explosion in the midst of a hundred others . I called Aamco transmissions and arranged to have them pick up the car . I initially asked the fella I talked to about how much a new transmission would cost . He said depending on the transmission , it could be between $ 550 and $ 1 , 200 . But he assured me that it could be something minor and I shouldn 't jump to conclusions . So I left the key under the mat . Tonya came and picked me up by the graces of one of her co - workers who had driven her over . And thanks to the graces of another co - worker , we had a ride home that night . We didn 't try to get another rental car . We knew we were into something major here and that we needed to save our money . Luckily her company let her work from home for a few days . One of the benefits of working in web development . While they would prefer for her to be at work , she could do the same work from home . At least on a temporary basis . I talked to the gentleman from Aamco the next day . He told me that the problem had been a grommet in the linkage between the transmission and throttle . That was a minor problem . But he pointed out that the transmission itself was in bad shape and needed work , and asked me to let them pull it to find out what kind of shape it was in . I didn 't know what else to do , so I told him to go ahead . I talked to him again the day after , and he told me it was shot . The rings were bad . This was bad . That was bad . It needed a complete overhaul . And the price for this would be $ 949 . I about choked . Geez . We didn 't have that kind of money . Well , maybe we had it , but just barely . And we weren 't sure of that . So I started looking for alternatives . I had already talked to some people from Advance Auto Parts about getting a new transmission . Aamco told me what kind of transmission I had , and it turned out that we could get a new one for $ 575 , but with the core charge ( which means the amount they 'd give us back if I turned in my old transmission ) , it dropped down to $ 325 . We could swing that . I contacted less at Sullivan 's and he said he could put it in for $ 150 . $ 475 for a new transmission . Of course , we now owed Aamco $ 300 for their work , towing fee , and pulling the transmission . Plus we 'd have to have the car towed back to Ware Shoals . And then we 'd need a rental car . So we were going to be hurting either way . Then Aamco surprised me . Steve Curry , the gentlemen I had talked to many times over several tense days , called me back . He knew that I was looking for alternatives . And he made a proposal . They could fix the transmission for $ 787 , and if I let them , he would waive the $ 300 we already owed them . This was unexpected , but was greatly welcomed . And so we decided to let them go ahead and fix it . It 'd save us getting the car towed , plus several days of rental cars fees , ordering a transmission , then having to pick it up and take it to Les . That was a few days ago . They finished the car on Tuesday , but we stalled them . We weren 't sure we had enough money . We paid our rent on the 1st , and still had $ 1 , 000 in savings , but we would have to rent a car to get back to Greenville . But we squeeked by . Since we stalled until today , Thursday , we 're sitting better . Tonya gets paid tomorrow , and this paycheck will be direct deposited into our checking account . Since we 've handled all this electronically on a Visa check card , we 've already paid Aamco . Technically we don 't have the money in the bank at the moment to cover the rental car , but we figure if we turn the car in after 2 : 00pm tomorrow ( which is NationsBank 's daily processing cutoff ) , her check will be deposited by the time we turn the car in . Of course , we might still have the money in our account to cover it , but we might not . So I guess this constitutes a gamble of sorts . Still , we don 't have a choice . And if something goes wrong somewhere , we can always sort it out later . At least the car is fixed . The transmission is the last major thing that needed to be fixed on the car . That 's good , since this latest little mine has finished off the last of the $ 3 , 000 we had in the bank . We 're again poor as church mice . But at least from here on we can reasonably expect the Thunderbird to run well . All that 's really left to be fixed is that it needs new shocks , and there 's a linkage in the steering wheel that 's loose . Nothing major , and nothing that could keep the car from running should anything go wrong . I can 't see that anything else could go wrong . We have a car with a new battery , a new radiator , a new alternator , a new carburator , and a newly overhauled transmission . All the major groups have been covered . I know this sounds like famous last words , but I think we 've finally licked our mechanical problems . Now if we can just manage to keep the house from burning down . And on the plus side , we both have our W2 forms from our employers . It won 't be much , but we 're poor enough to get a few breaks from the Government . So we should soon have a small nest egg to put back into the bank , or to spend on the many other things which we need to take care of ( like Tonya 's wisdom teeth ) . All I really know is that it 's unusually warm here for a February , and feels a lot like spring . The other day I fixed a rattling door on the T - bird , and took the car for a spin to see if it still rattled . I had the windows down . It was nice . Warm without being hot . Cool breeze . And I was tooling around in my Thunderbird . Something I haven 't been able to do for years . It almost felt normal , and that 's a sensation I hardly remembered . But it brought a certain peace to my soul , and I returned home smiling . I hope to resume the great job hunt next Monday . I 'm a little nervous about it . It seems like every time I set up interviews , something blows up in our faces . But at least I 'm facing it with a positive attitude now . That 's a change of pace . And hopefully it 'll make the difference . Depending upon whom you ask , Wicasta Lovelace is an author , musician , artist , web designer and / or delusional lunatic ( which one he is at any given moment depends upon the day of the week , really ) . He 's currently studying Music Industry / Recording Arts at St . Petersburg College in Saint Petersburg , Florida . Wicasta is working on several novels and recording music on his own and with his band , Windhaven . He is the principle editor of the Malleus Maleficarum project , lead author at PaganCentric , curator at Mama Peggy , and systems engineer at Floozees Doozees . You can find him on Google + , Twitter and Facebook . View all posts by Wicasta → Nothing Posted Wicasta lives in St . Petersburg , Florida , and spends his time " building better bombs " . In the metaphorical sense , of course ( FBI & NSA go home . You 're drunk ) . FROM DA PINTEREST OUR STORE … ( PAYS THE BILLS ! ) HOSTING BY GOOD PEOPLE DOING GOOD WORK © 1986 - 2017 Wicasta Lovelace . All Rights Reserved . © 2017 Windhaven Network , LLC . All Rights Reserved . Hosting proudly provided byWindhaven Network , Saint Petersburg , FL Meet the Author @ Google |
Little N likes her hat . It is a little large for her , but she will grow into it . She tested it out in the the snow for me over the weekend . It kept her warm and happy . This project has taken a lot longer than it should have ! I started this as a test knit in October . It was coming along nicely and then I tucked my daughter into bed , leaving the knitting in a bag on an end table . I knew better . I 've lectured the kids 100 times and they knew better . My husband didn 't have to say I told you so . I tempted the puppies and they have no will power . I came out to find a pink spider web pulled across my living room , with one dog on either end of it . Even though there are two colors in the hat , the puppies thought that pink was the color for them . It had to be the pink , the one where I was really cutting it close if I had enough to finish the hat . Lucy had pieces of yarn around one paw and a piece sticking out of her mouth with her tail going 100 miles per hour . Max , well , max had what was left of the skein in his mouth with his tail going just as fast . The puppies were willing to trade my project with a toy and Pete took them outside so I could pick up the living room . Pulling the yarn with the puppies inside . . . not a good idea . I picked up the yarn and salvaged what I could from the original knitting . I had to pull out a few rows and luckily there was no damage to my needles . What was left of the ball of pink yarn , was a complete and utter loss . My son and I stopped by the local yarn shop and found a skein of pink in the same dye lot , which meant I could finish the hat . However , I had to put the hat away . I just didn 't want to deal with the knots . Finally , my sad little hat , the one I promised to test out the pattern for , needed to get off my needles . I was able to get past the point where I had been prior to the puppy - tug - o - war event with what was left and started into the new skein . Little N is very happy with her hat . Today is Little N 's 3rd birthday . Today 's post will be a photo montage . Happy birthday , baby girl ! 10 months old . First birthday15 months Woodland park Zoo , SeattleFamily Vacation / Reunion 20 months 20 months 2nd birthday Spring 2008 Last weekend at our home in Shoreline Puppies ! Pumpkins . . . Momma , maybe if you weeded more they might grow . . . Fall RainFirst snow , what a great birthday present ! Birthday party with friends in Seattle Of all the days to get sick , poor little N woke up from her nap not feeling well . I happened to be downstairs and when I heard her come out of her room and cry , it wasn 't her normal , " I 'm cranky - tired - hungry - healthy " cry . It was a sad , sick cry and it got me running . I picked her up and without a word she proceeded to pull in tight and cry . Her little stomach made some awful sounds . I ran her to the bathroom and the inevitable happened , which seemed to upset her as much as it surprised her . We brushed her teeth and rinsed her mouth and I made a call to the boss that the day was done for me . She 's spent the remainder of the day on my lap or Pete 's lap on the couch . She perked up a little for a bath and was pretty happy to get into her cozy footed jammies for the night . Tomorrow is little N 's 3rd birthday . Sadly , this means she will be sick on her actual birthday . I am anticipating she will join us in bed this evening at some point . Is it just me , or has anyone else noticed that the imitation syrup no longer requires refrigeration ? This grosses me out to no end ! What have they added , what gives it a shelf life longer than most people will keep a bottle of syrup ? I spent 10 - 15 minutes reading labels at the store , trying to find one bottle of syrup that was brown sugar and water , the stuff we grew up on . But , instead , they all have long lists of ingredients I cannot pronounce . Can this stuff really be good for you ? It grosses me out enough that I started buying the real maple syrup for the kids . Big N and Little N are not very appreciative of the real stuff . They have no idea that their grandfather would hide his little bottle of real syrup in the back of the fridge so his kids wouldn 't use it . Perhaps he knew we would appreciate it as much as Little N and Big N 's expressions indicate it is not their favorite . They even like to tell me , it is not their favorite ( exact words ) . In my adult house , the fake stuff is hidden in the back of the fridge , by Pete , and he growls at me if I suggest that we stop buying the chemical stuff . Big N has come across a math problem he couldn 't explain . " Mommy . Why do I have only 2 grandpas and 3 grandmas ? Did my grandpa die ? " I think he was working on this question for a while and it was a tough one to answer . I don 't want to scare him and I was not ready or even expecting the death conversation . As the conversation unfolded , I think he was mixing up who my grandfather was and how all the relatives fit into the family tree . It was like he was trying to fill in a row of pegs and couldn 't figure out which peg went where . We 've spoken about my grandpa to him in the recent past . There are photos of Big N with my grandpa and he asks who he is and why he never sees him . Perhaps in his mind , the pieces fit together that this grandfather must belong to one of his grandmothers . We talked about what death means and how you can 't see that person anymore . It is ok to miss them . I answered his questions as honestly as I could and tried to keep the explanations concise and exact . I was worried that saying someone was gone would be confusing to him , because there are people that are gone , but they come back and would he think if I made an offhand comment that someone was gone that he might never see them again ? We talked about it and I explained that he was here when he was a baby and he loved him very much . He is not here any more , but he will always love him even though we can 't see him . Big N seemed ok with this explanation . " Mommy , if he was your grandpa , then he is a daddy . Who is his little girl ? " " My Mommy . " Big N giggled at this point . " Your mommy isn 't a little girl ! She 's as old as you are ! " We paid early in June to sign big N up for preschool . The owner took our money and we set up work schedules and visits to Grandma to accommodate the schedule . Then , right before the classes start , the owner changed the schedule multiple times and the school no longer worked with our schedule . We had to scramble to find something else . I explained our situation and asked for the money back over the phone , twice , and she agreed to mail a check . She never sent it . I called again a few months later and left a message . Again , nothing . I finally drafted a letter outlining the facts with a time frame to respond and I sat on it for a bit . I emailed her once more and she tells a story about mailing a check , for a different amount , to the wrong address . The fact remains , she kept our money for six months with no attempt to return it . And now she wants us to pay for her canceled check fee for a check she never wrote . Did she lose the registration paper work with our address ? Did she toss it out when we left assuming she could keep our tuition ? 1 . She charged us $ 180 for tuition , but she says she wrote a check for $ 160 . 2 . She got wishy - washy and changed her schedule 2 times within 2 weeks of the start of preschool , and she wants to hold us to a contract that she herself did not intend to keep . No , I 'm sorry . Stealing is stealing . Holding onto money that is not yours , ignoring requests and phone calls and then lying about it is wrong . Either she really is disorganized or she is stealing . However , the simplest solution is typically the correct one . This is for a preschool ? Are you kidding me ? Seriously ? What ever happened to honoring your commitments or doing what you said you would do . Little N enjoys playing dress - up . Her newest version of playing dress - up involves multiple changes of clothes through out the night . She will come out in various states of dress , or undress , asking for help . Last night , she hit a snag . She found a pair of footed jammies Grandma had given her for next winter . She managed to get into the box of the next size up of clothes I had in the back of the closet . During her third wardrobe change into the big jammies , she came out to ask for help as she had somehow managed to get the feet twisted around and behind her body . The the right foot of the jammies was facing up on her left foot . With the left foot of the jammies twisted and trailing dangerously behind her , she promptly shut the door on the empty foot and tried to run down the hall . This did not go over well with little N . She pulled and tugged and pulled some more , leaning her whole body forward trying to figure out what kept her from running down the hall . She then let the entire world know that this did not fit into her plans for the evening of staying awake . I peaked down the hall to see what was causing her so much distress to see her arms reaching out as she tried to get away from that door . It took a while to calm her down , but she did finally go back to bed and managed to stay in bed for the night in the same jammies . She still wanted to wear the big jammies this evening . I am hoping she might leave them on tonight , but I 'm sure that will not be the case . Little N modeling her big girl jammies . My son caught me off guard this afternoon . He came upstairs and asked me point blank , " Mommy , do you want another baby ? " I was a little surprised by the question and wondering where this conversation was going . I tried to reassure him by telling him I was very happy with the two babies I have and I gave him a big hug and let him spin in my desk chair . Always a hit . We 've been talking about babies at our house , Baby N is at our house with her mommy and both of Nate 's good friends , B and P are big sisters . He 's seen and heard a lot about babies recently . " But , Mommy , if you had another baby , we could baby - sit for you . " You just give me the hard sell , kid . Can I quote you on this when you are old enough to baby sit ? At this point , I played a little dirty and suggested that he talk to his daddy about another baby . Big N ran downstairs and I could hear him reporting the conversation , " Mommy said I should to talk to daddy about another baby . " Sorry , Pete . Big N and Little N 's good friend and former neighbor , B , is now a big sister . Her little sister C , was born in mid November . Of course , this called for some knitting on my part . A new baby is a fun person to knit for . The look great in whatever you make them and the projects tend to go fast . Big N helped me pick out the yarn we used for the baby sweater , even though it took some work to point him away from the shiny green yarn . It was fun to get the kids involved in the gifts , especially considering how much the kid 's care about the people we were giving the gifts to . The hat was actually a pattern test I did for the designer . I had originally intended this as an adult gift , but big N informed me that the color was more to B 's liking . The pattern was a little confusing , but once all the repeats worked out , it came out beautiful . The only problem is the pattern missed a few rows and the final hat was child size . This worked nicely with Big N 's color plan , as the hat now could go to B . Big N modeling B 's big sister hat , in Cascade 220 HeathersB 's little sister , C , was due in November and her parents decided to wait until then to find out whether baby C was a girl or a boy . This made it easy to avoid the typical baby pastels , which was fine with me . We picked a nice holiday color , red for her sweater and some pretty buttons , picked by little N , that either a baby boy or a baby girl could wear . Wee Welcome set in Debbie Bliss Baby Cashmerino . And , yes , it made my day when our friends told me that baby C wore the red sweater home . I 'm easy to please . I have never really been a girlie - girl , whatever that means . I don 't paint my nails , I forget to maintain my haircuts , I 'm more into easy than anything else . But , I do actually own some nail polish and little N noticed it in my cabinet . Pete and Big N had gone out looking for an open barber shop , which left little N and I to a girlie morning . We had a blast painting her nails . She was very thrilled with the pink color and enjoyed looking at her fingers . I will say that the fast drying polish is preferable for an almost 3 year old . I have a new work hazard . This is the keyboard attack cat . She doesn 't like when I type and prefers sitting on the " esc " key . This post will have to be shorter then I intended as she randomly nibbles on my hand when I get too close to her belly . I think she is trying to tell me that she doesn 't like hiding from the puppies in my office . Either that , or she thinks it is time to call it a day . I feel like my father . I am running around turning off lights and grumbling about the electrical bill . This must be an inherited trait . Thanks , Dad . We stopped by a nice little toy store about 45 minutes from home . Little N had her heart set on a kazoo . Pete was convinced that she wouldn 't be able to make a sound out of it and talked me into buying it . The little microphone on the camera does not do it justice . I 've been trying to figure out what I want to do and my answer came in the form of a 2 year old little girl tip - toeing into my office after taking off most of her clothes during her nap . She was proud of herself and I may never find her socks . M was trying to convince Big N to rest and Little N seized the moment to sneak by the door of the playroom . She came up the stairs so softly that I thought a cat was looking for a back rub . She peaked around the door frame and grinned when I finally noticed her . She hopped up over the last step , thundering across the room to me , crawling into my lap and asking me to cuddle . There is nothing that compares to spending extra time with my kids and to be able to do so AND to continue working is not something everyone can do . I am not ready to say good - bye to little interruptions and farm the kids off to a day care . I am really not ready to say good - bye to my job , I like what I do , most of the time . We are going to find someone else who can come to the house . I just hope the relationship goes even half as well as our current one . Our nanny is exploring another route in her life and we are very happy for her . I can think of nothing I can do to convince her to stay and from previous conversations , I feel she has been thinking about this for more than a few weeks . Anything I can offer or any additional benefits will not make her love a job she isn 't really loving . But , now what ? What do we do as a family ? When it came to leaving Seattle , it felt awful taking the kids away from Mari 's . They miss her , they bonded well with her , and I see a lot of that love and care in their eyes when they talk about nanny M . I just don 't want to break their hearts , again . Both kids had been with Mari 5 days a week since they were very young . My son started at Mari 's when he was 13 months old and my daughter started when she was 4 months old . Mari 's home was their second home and taking the kids out of that home was hard on the entire family . And now , I feel as if I set it up to happen to them , again . One of the reasons we decided to hire a nanny instead of sending the kids to a day care was to allow me to see them more often . Not to mention , it was important to me that the kids could learn to bond with an adult outside of their family . I think having someone they trust and care about in their life other than just mom and dad is important . It allows them to feel comfortable with people outside their home and expands their world in a positive way . I didn 't want to hire 3 college students that came in on a rotating basis , a new group every quarter . I wanted one person who they could see on a consistent basis and really get to know and care about . We did succeed at that . At the same time , I love having the kids nearby , hearing their giggles and even their cries drift upstairs to my office . The situation is making me rethink working from home - - if this home office thing is for me . However , this thought process implies a decision that could not have come at a worse time . I 'm not ready to give it all up , but I do feel somewhat disenchanted with whomever told the littlPosted by Little N has always stretched out her bed time . She will get up many times after we have tucked her in and see if she can talk us into letting her stay up . This evening , was no exception . Over the baby monitor I heard whispering and rustling , usually an indication that we will see a small child in a minute or so . The rustling stops and is followed by the creak of the door . This time , I heard something new . Big N says to Little N , " Mommy is just going to tell you to go back to bed . Go back to Bed ! " Little N ignored him and came out attempting her usual stall tactic . She was one of the following : thirsty , hungry , not thirsty , not hungry , tired , not tired , scared , chased by dinosaurs , looking for a hug ( this one usually works for her , I am a push over at times ) , wanting to tell me " something . " The list goes on . I repeated what Big N had said , " Go back to bed , " and she sulked and stomped back to the bed room . Over the monitor , I heard Big N tell her , " I TOLD you ! Now , go back to bed ! " It is the day before Halloween and the month of October has flown by . We have yet to carve our pumpkins , let alone finish putting up the decorations Big N picked out . He has noticed , which means I cannot forget to put them up or I will have them up for Thanksgiving . This evening will be busy as we try to finish decorating and carve 2 of the pumpkins for the kids . With so much to do , it is surprising that I am still thinking of what happened on my way home . Yesterday evening I stopped for gas just east of Seattle , well past the Bellevue traffic jam . I am predictable and I picked this gas station because it is cheap and it has a coffee stand . Pete should be able to tell you which gas station just from that statement . I of course went inside to grab a cup of coffee . I was in a hurry , which is nothing new for me . I am always in a hurry . I wanted to get home and I was already late enough that I would miss the kid 's bedtime . I was running through my mental list of things I needed to get done around the house and not really listening to the barista or the background chatter as I smiled and nodded , ordering my usual . I had to remember to set out Big N 's frogie Halloween costume so he could wear it to preschool . We need to pick up a little candy in case we get a few trick or treaters that brave the walk down the dark gravel road to our house . As I was waiting for my Mocha and adding to my list , a beautiful male voice sang " the First Noel " over the store stereo . Listening to " No - oh - ell - el , No - oh - elll . . . " I realized I was staring at a small teddy bear on the counter . The little bear was wearing an orange sweater with a black jack o lantern smile on the front , the price tag attached to his left ear . Here was this beautiful Christmas song , one of my favorites , the warm tenor tone punctuating the fake cobwebs and plastic spiders on the wall . It was out of place . Forced . Fake . It is fall and the forces that be , the companies and stores that see Christmas as a boost to their bottom line , are trying to start off their Christmas sPosted by It is really cold at night now and we had not picked the apples from our tree . Big N helped Pete finish that today . The puppies even helped , but they have been stealing the low hanging apples for weeks now . We were surprised with the amount of apples off of the little tree ! Big N was fascinated with the size variation among the apples . He found one that he could fit in his hand . The tiny apple made his day , he put it in his pocket and kept it warm when he was helping daddy pick apples . Big N was very concerned about the little apple . He went to great lengths to tell me his apple would need a lot of sunlight and fresh water so it could grow as big as the rest of the apples . We talked some about what it meant to pick the apples from the tree and he was sad for the apple . Little N helped me make apple sauce with the apples that didn 't look as pretty . She ate a few that I cut up and hit the button on the food processor once I had cooked down the apples . Big N gave the apple sauce a try this evening . He gave two thumbs up on taste . The sauce has a really strong apple flavor compared to commercially made apple sauce . I also had to make an apple pie . I 'm sure that is surprising to everyone who reads this blog . Little N helped me roll out the crust . It has been a great , apple filled day . More apple sauce and perhaps another pie for the freezer tomorrow . I can finally talk about two of my most recent gift projects as they were both gifted . First , I finished the Wee Welcome set sweater for baby J who was born on September 4th . I only hope it still fit him when he received it . I used Debbie Bliss baby cashmerino in a grey blue with a chocolate trim . The buttons were a perfect match to the blue with a slight brown tint . I thought the little stars were super cute . I just hope baby wears it at least once . The buttons are actually knit into the sweater . Not only was this easier to finish the project , but I felt it was safer for a baby as they are really secure on the sweater . The second project was a birthday gift for our nanny , M . My daughter insisted on being my model , of course she loves to wear every hat before it even comes off the needles . She took it pretty well when I explained that this one wasn 't for her . I think this was my favorite hat so far ! I love the way the Xs at the top melt into the decreases . The pattern really is well designed . Posted by And , yes , that means it is apple pie time . The apples on the tree are ripe . I kept trying them here and there over the last few weeks and they were super tart . The puppies even sampled the ones that fell off the tree , using them as chew toys . As of this week our apples are red and delicious . I think I 'm in love with our apple tree . I wonder if I can talk Pete into planting a few more . One tree is just not enough apples for pies in the freezer . So many times growing up , the big changes happened whether you wanted them to or not . Your family moved and you had no say in the decision . It was happening . It was easy to adapt even if you missed your friends , your life , your bedroom with the blue walls . As an adult , you have to make the big decisions and live with the result of that decision . You have guilt , doubt and second guessing . Something along the way pops up that you don 't really appreciate and the grass seems a lot greener when you picture it as it was . The other night , we found out that one of our neighbors owns the home that is keg - party central at Central . I sat up in my office and listened to the boom - boom - boom along with the large crowd chatter drifting softly through the chill of the night air . It was dulled by the distance , an overtone to the silence we have grown to appreciate and enjoy . I wondered if this was better or worse than the neighbor 's truck outside my former bedroom window at 5AM slowly winding up as it started spewing exhaust through our open window . In all honesty , the kegger was the quieter of the two , but I was missing the truck that was never more than 10 feet from my head that evening . I was missing what listening to that loud truck meant . I ache for my kids who just miss their friends . Every time they ask to see Peyton or Brenna , I have to answer to their disappointed faces . Big N will beg me to continue driving to Mari 's instead of taking him to preschool in the morning . It has been 4 months and I am the woman keeping him away from his friends , the friends he misses more than his little 4 year old vocabulary is able to explain . I know we made the right decision for our family . I have spent more time with the kids during their waking hours in the past 4 months than the entire previous year . Big N has already told me he likes that I am upstairs during the day . My husband has spent more time with the kids , too . However , I miss Seattle . I miss being able to go to the zoo on a rainy Saturday without much planning because you know iPosted by This was a fun , fast project I knit for a friend of mine ! I can talk about it now that I have given it to her . She brings me coffee beans once in a while and I always appreciate them . I love coffee beans . The pattern was free on the web . I had just a little bit of the wool yarn left in my stash . Now that it is complete , it looks like I have enough for a few more . I will have to make another one and try felting it . It also might be fun to embellish it with buttons . In case you wondered , Pete rolled his eyes when I explained what it was . My daughter , little N , is having horrible night terrors . She has never been a good sleeper , but lately she wakes up inconsolable . Her eyes are open , but she isn 't awake . We end up carting her off to our room and trying to reason with her . First off , reasoning with a 2 1 / 2 year old is fun all by itself , but trying to reason with a child who is not awake is a whole new concept . I think it might be easier to reason with the puppies while they each have one of my shoes and are running down the hall . She is so tired in the morning and appears to have no memory of the middle of the night . She wakes up so happy . Little N went through something very similar last spring before we moved . It seemed to stop for a short while but has become a regular thing . It is back with a vengeance , if anything the current incidents are harder because she is bigger and kicks a lot harder in her sleep . She will end up on the floor in front of her bed sitting up , trying to keep herself from going back to sleep . I just wish I knew what was scary . She mentioned a purple dinosaur and then it was horses . Its hard to not know how to help her . There does seem to be a pattern to her waking , it is typically between 1AM and 2AM that it happens . I might try waking her up before hand to see if I can break the pattern . Perhaps bring her a cup of milk and cuddle with her for a bit and perhaps distract her enough to keep it from happening . Hopefully someone will get some sleep in our house ! My husband has found a friend for me . He set up a time with his co - worker , G , so I can go bike riding . She rides every where , which means I am going to be sore when I 'm done . I 've hardly been on my bike in years , so I 'm nervous and somewhat excited . Pete even managed to talk me into upgrading my road bike a few weeks ago . I had really put my last one through a lot of miles , all before my daughter was born . Hopefully I get the bike a little dirty and it 's a route with a tail wind - - considering it isn 't possible to find a route without a wind in this city . I will admit it , I am contemplating adult orthodontics . I have looked into getting this done twice in the past , but could not afford it . I mentioned it to our new dentist during my routine cleaning and he suggests I make a consultation appointment to go over our options . That appointment was today . I arrived , checked in and sat down to read . I waited only long enough to get through the first paragraph of an article in some magazine from last spring before I was called from the waiting room . The hygienist who greeted me at the door to the office turned and started walking towards the back of the office and I followed . We walked past a row of chairs and the dentist waved as he is hovering over patient just as I was shown to my chair at the end of the row . The hygienist got right to work as soon as I sat down . She proceeded to take molds of my mouth , photos of my teeth and X - rays of my head . This took almost 45 minutes . I was slightly surprised that they went ahead with this step without any mention of the cost , time involved or what the actual process was , but I let them do their thing . After an hour and a half of molds and waiting , photos and waiting , X - rays and waiting followed by more waiting , the dentist finally comes to my chair to see me . He looks in my mouth for a long 30 seconds and says we 're good to go . He starts to leave and I stand up still wondering when the consultation portion of the appointment was going to happen . I mention that I 'd like to go over costs , meaning what the different options were . He points to the young woman who has been helping me and says she 'll go over it . I follow the hygienist as she leads me to the front desk . She smiles and walks away . At this point the receptionist takes over and I am presented with a bill to sign saying I agree thousands of dollars with the option for a payment plan . She starts to go over the payment options and the possibility of 11 . 9 % interest . At this point I am very upset . I look at the receptionist , as the hygienist is long gone , and I ask her what thisPosted by Little N has a monster cold . This came on really fast on Saturday , surprising us around 2PM and getting worse . We were on our way to Seattle and I initially thought she was having sinus problems due to the pressure changes as we drove over the pass . She and I both have sinus problems after a drive to or from Seattle . It dawned on me that it might be something else when we arrived at our friend 's home and her eyes were red along with the runny nose . Our friends were ok with it , but I still feel guilty bringing a sick child to their home . Little N is mostly happy , especially during the day , but at night she is not a happy camper . Around midnight or 1 AM she ends up outside our door with her sad , whole body sobs . She will ask for a tissue , or complain about her dreams and dinosaurs being scary . The last time , she walked into our room without either of us noticing the door opening . I woke up lying on my side to see her nose to nose with me . " Mommy , I miss you ! " enunciated with a loud sob as she wiped her nose on her sleeve and reached up for a hug . She of course had a high fever and we gave her some acetaminophen , a glass of water and a hug to make her comfortable . She just wants to cuddle in with you , which is normal little N behavior , but we usually can convince her to eventually go back to her bed . While she isn 't feeling well , our bed is the only place she wants to be . She tends to get a little too comfortable once she falls asleep , taking over our entire bed . My sister living in Baltimore came out to visit . In her honer , we opened one of the pickle jars from my pickle experiment and they were way too salty . I would suggest cutting the salt in the recipe at least in half if not more . I 'm not sure what to think . I made a second batch last weekend where I added a ton more dill , but the salt level was the same as my first batch . I guess I will just have to try to make them again . With two kids and two working adults , we are fighting a never ending battle against clutter . The mail , books , toys , it all ends up on the nearest flat surface . It drives me crazy ! I think the puppies agree , they are making an attempt to help attack our clutter problem . First , they would pick up items you left on the floor and take care of them for you . Shoes , toys , my knitting , these were all painful learning experiences as the puppies chewed their opinion on where things did or did not belong . As the puppies grew taller , their world expanded with them . They moved on and worked at clearing anything and everything that was left on the seat of the couch . They are now working on my end tables . My end tables have not been this clear since we put our house on the market and had to keep them clear . At least I finally have someone who helps fight my clutter battle . Max , the clutter busterThe kids staged a revolt this evening . They loaded up their toy shopping cart full of toys and pushed it into the living room with the one squeaky wheel loudly complaining about the weight of the toys piled as high as the kids could see . Both kids have been cordoned off in the play area , formerly known as a dining room , as the puppies became more interested in their toys . The baby gates I had planed on giving away have once again returned to the inside of the house . The kids walked out with their heavily loaded shopping cart and Big N appeared to have been selected as the spokesperson for the revolt . Big N stood as tall as he could and says sternly to the puppies , " We should be able to play in the living room ! " Little N seconds the argument , " Yeah ! " with her hands in fists on her hips and her feet firmly placed shoulder width apart . I explained once more that the puppies did not understand and would want to share their toys . The kids sadly pushed their shopping cart to their bedroom as the squeaky wheel complained down the hall . Just before they shut the door , I heard a defeated Big N call out " No , Puppies ! " Pete finished the play structure this evening . He still has a few things left to do , but Big N was ok with trying it out this evening . Big N LOVES the scope . The entire play structure is second to the scope as far as Big N is concerned . He 's ok with the slide , the rock climbing wall is tolerable , and the swings , well , they are ok . It 's all about the scope . Big N 's eye through the scope As many of you know , we have recently moved 2 hours east of Seattle , to Ellensburg , WA . It is warmer , sunnier , windier and there are a lot of really nice people in the area . Not to mention , you don 't sit in a parked car on the interstate unless you take a trip to Seattle . Seattle is a beautiful city to bike in , but Central Washington will give it a big run for the money ! Two weekends ago , Pete took me on a ride from Ellensburg to Thorp and back . I will admit , it has been at least a year since I 've been on my bike . The last time I rode , I biked to work in 2007 from Shoreline to Lynnwood . That wasn 't a regular occurrence because it was impossible to coordinate day care pick up and a bike ride home . We started off at the KOA , right off of the interstate I - 90 exit . We headed over the Yakima river and biked along a road bordering farms , a golf course and a wide irrigation canal . We followed this to Thorp , going over the interstate at the Fruit stand . We than continued to go west , coming up on the Yakima river after you pass the old Thorp Mill . There was a " slight " headwind , which convinced me I was in much worse shape than I thought , but it was something you could deal with , even after not being a bike saddle for over a year . Once you turned on the canyon road , heading back towards Ellensburg , the wind was at your back . It was a fun coast home . I hope to do this again , perhaps I 'll even set up this ride with Cascade . My parents are in the process of adding a sun room to the back of their house . Big N was helping Grandpa last Wednesday . In fact , I think he was such a big help that he really got Grandpa 's project going . Before my son helpedAfter both kids helpedBig N was busy measuring and hammering for Grandpa . It sounds like both kids help to get a lot of work done on the addition in the two days they were out . It 's not like I would exaggerate the abilities of a 2 and 4 year old . |
The week of our appointment I took personal days so that I could go to Montreal to be at the meeting . It was also the day after Valentine 's Day , which was exciting for me because I had spent every Valentine 's Day since we had begun dating with M . The plan was that I would fly on the evening of the 14th , a Wednesday , take Thursday and Friday off and fly back Sunday for work on Monday . I knew with the expedited removal that we would not be approved same day but somehow I fooled myself into hoping that some kind of miracle would happen and they would realize just how pathetically stupid the whole thing was and just give him the visa . I wished for this , but prepared a waiver package to deal with reality . With an expedited removal , a visa applicant has to file for a waiver called " Permission to Reapply after Deportation or Removal . " It is filed on form I - 212 , and required a package of reasons that the waiver should be approved . I had consulted with attorneys and researched things and was also fairly certain that they were going to try to force us to file a hardship waiver too , this is usually for people with other inadmissibilities like Misrepresentation - - lying to officials or on visa applications , or most often overstays with or without a visa . M did not legally need one of these , but based on my conversations with attorneys it was likely they would try to force us to file one . I had an envelope two inches thick to take with me to the appointment . I had also packaged up ticket stubs , copies of my passport stamps and pictures going back three years to show to the consular officer . The night before I was to fly , a very rare noreaster hit my city and the entire east coast . It followed its way northward towards Canada and all the way up Interstate 95 , my route to M . All flights were canceled ahead of time up to an hour before my flight was to take off . I was frantic . School was canceled for the day , so I had plenty of time to panic . I was certain my flight would not take off , and that I would wait there all day and it wouldPosted by As I have told you before , I am quite obsessive . I had everything planned out and had gone through every last bit of information I could find online about the National Visa Center process . What the NVC does is process the visa application ( and $ 355 fee ) the Affidavit of Support ( and $ 70 fee ) and asks for all supporting documents ( the same ones just sent to the USCIS ) and adds requirements for a police certificate from every country a person has ever lived . It also gives you the instructions for getting a United States approved Medical Exam ( $ 250 . ) Now , it would not be good government if this did not slow down the process considerably , so at the time we were applying , they would send you the fee for one form , wait til they received it , cashed it and " processed it " and then send you the form to fill out and send back . They would wait for that form to arrive and be processed before they would send you the next fee and the process would start again . Luckily , newer visa applicants get to use an online system where one can pay the fees at one time and recieve the forms to fill out . You can actually get the forms online too , but you have to have a special barcode form to mail back with each application under the laughable guise of " faster processing . " I 'm sorry , but there is nothing " fast " about the immigration process . Having said that , I have to defend whatever lovely soul got their hands on my husband 's USCIS application paperwork because they transferred it from Vermont , our assigned office , to California . Our I - 130 ( Petition for Alien Relative ) was processed in less than three months ! That is completely unheard of ! I have no idea how it happened , but I assume some kind soul took pity on us after reading the application and realizing the horrible long process that we were going to have . So , after three months , we were on our way to the NVC and the rest of the processing . I had every fee sheet sent back to NVC same day , and every application pre - filled from their website just waiting for the barcode sheet to be mailed tPosted by Three weeks after getting back home I had figured out how to get copies of the marriage certificate . They had originally told me to mail a request back to Montreal , but in my hurry I had found a way online to do it instead . The certificate arrived , in FRENCH . Call me sentimental , but I always kind of imagined having my marriage certificate , seeing it , and it was never in French in my visions . Immigration also prefers to see things in English , though you can have anything translated , it just sometimes causes hang - ups and delays . If you think the beaurocracy in your government is bad , this is going to amaze you . I called Quebec to get a new copy of the certificate . The nice gentleman on the phone advised me that since I had signed my marriage document in French ( something I did not actually realize I had done at the time ) that I would never , I repeat , NEVER , be issued a certificate in English . He further went on to tell me that it was actually law under the " Charter of the French Language " instituted in Quebec . ( Oddly , the CFL also mandates how languages are displayed on restaurant menus , i . e . French has to be first and a larger font than any other language . . . . there is even more inane , crazy stuff in there , but I won 't bore you . . . ) It was not that they did not issue English certificates , they did , they just wouldn 't issue one to me . At any rate , I had to get the certificate translated . Now , the words on a marriage certificate are cognates , so even I could translate it , but someone who is actually qualified has to translate it for immigration purposes . Amazingly , the teacher I was working under doing my student teaching , a middle - school Spanish teacher in her 43rd year of teaching had for the first 24 years of her career , taught French ! The dear woman agreed to help me by translating it and signing the certification of translation for me and gave me several copies because we both knew I would need extras for the steps down the line in immigration . It was beautiful , fast , and FREE ! In no time I compiled the packaPosted by Okay , so I had been reading and studying for immigration since I started dating M in February , 2004 . It was now April 2006 and the entire game was changed by his expedited removal in 2005 . Everything about the immigration system is convoluted . Most Americans still believe , from their extensive study in sitcoms from " Wings " to " Ugly Betty " that once a person marries a U . S . Citizen , they themselves are a U . S . Citizen . . . I mean , it worked for Balky on " Perfect Strangers , " right ? Nope . It is actually nothing like that . Nothing at all . There are actually a lot of steps . People who don 't believe in the automatic citizenship theory usually - - in my limited experience - - believe that you just file a simple application , it gets processed and the immigrant comes to the U . S . Much like the idea that immigrants here illegally should have just applied for citizenship ( as if a classification like that exists ) this is also not true . There are actually a lot of steps and even in the best of circumstances it can take more than a year for someone to make it to the United States , even when married to a citizen . The first step is filing a petition with the USCIS ( US Citizenship and Immigration Service . ) They charge you a little over $ 300 , keep your petition gathering dust on someone 's desk for a few months , check to see if you do , if fact , have a marriage certificate attached to your petition and then they either approve or deny it and ship it on to the National Visa Center ( NVC ) where they ask for more documents - - and * cough * more money - - and then they can either schedule your interview at the consulate or they will forward the case and the consulate will schedule the interview . None of your documents are really reviewed until that interview at the consulate . USCIS takes them and only verifies if they are there . NVC does exactly the same thing , makes sure that they are * still * there . Only the consulate gets the right to evaluate if they are in fact good enough , and that does not happen until you are months and months into the process . In ouPosted by Every little girl dreams of their wedding day . Mine was not quite what I had hoped for , but we were happy nonetheless . My husband looked like weight had been lifted from his shoulders . He walked easier and smiled in a way I had not seen in more than a year . I think the happiest person though , might have been Z . He emerged from the mosque and proudly lifted his hands to the sky above his head with a sigh and an " Alhamdulillah ! " and my mom got a picture of it . The look on his face says a thousand words . He was happy for M and I , of course , but I think it counted to him as a personal success that he was able to be a part of his best friend 's happiness and a really nice day . Here now a tribute to my extreme dorkiness . My mom , at my request , had brought a white wedding dress I had purchased with her when she came . It had been fitted and was just waiting for me to wear . There was no way for this to happen . It just didn 't fit into the surroundings . That part of my dream , that kind of wedding , was gone . My lengha , on the other hand , made an appearance at a little dinner party at M 's house two days after our Nikkah . Z 's wife was wonderful , as always and loaned me gold bangles and a lovely pair of hoop earrings . Z purchased food from a local restaurant and his two brothers came to celebrate with us . Z bought us our only wedding gifts , a watch set for me and flowers to hold . Z took pictures and his wife made a video to be sent to M 's mother in Karachi . She was going to be taking a trip there soon and would make sure they saw it . I had now moved on to my next obsession , one I had been holding onto for many months , one I had been planning for and studying for : my impending battle with the US Citizenship and Immigration Services . As the conversation with his mother ended , M got up and we were ready to go . The Imam had scheduled us for 3 : 00 pm and Z was trying to round up another witness . They weren 't sure if my father was going to count since he was Christian , not Muslim . No one else was available because it was midday and everyone was at work . It took about 35 minutes to drive to the mosque . None of us had ever been to the area where this mosque was and M kept telling me I was never going to find it . When we arrived we saw a tall brick building with a bank attached to it . It was large , but was obviously not originally built as a mosque . The inside had offices and a banquet room . We were directed into the Imam 's office and M went for wuzu . My parents sat on my right and when M got back he sat on the left . Z sat on the other side beside M . We discussed the mehr and filled out an application form . The Imam sat behind a large executive style desk . He only had a copy of the marriage documents in French . At this point , that was the least of my worries . The paperwork was all in French and the Imam let me know that M would recite some Arabic . After M repeated a few phrases in Arabic the Imam asked me if I consented to the marriage . I looked up and nodded my head . I started to say something , but the Imam had already moved on to more Arabic . He had us both sign the marriage documents and I was married . In short , I married a Pakistani - Canadian in a dual French / Arabic wedding by nodding my head . Oh , and M wore blue jeans . As soon as the words were out of M 's mouth , Z jumped into high gear . He needed the number to the mosque that we had contacted ( the only one that agreed to perform the nikkah ( wedding ) ) and he took it upon himself to start trying to round up witnesses . I tried to slow things down because I was convinced that M didn 't mean it and that if we went too quickly I 'd end up with a runner at the proverbial altar . . . Well , there was no altar , but you get what I mean . Z made the calls and on two hours notice , we had a three o ' clock appointment at the mosque . The Imam himself answered the phone and set up the appointment . We went back to M 's apartment , he said he had things to do before we went , and I needed to change clothes . I decided to wear a pretty salwar kameez that M had brought me back from Pakistan and I decided the shirt M would wear . But as I turned around I saw that M had gotten Z to give him a phone card and he disappeared into the bedroom . It was after midnight Karachi time and M looked very serious . He took the phone and the phone card and I heard very stern Hindko coming from the bedroom . I walked in , worried . M had started to cry . He had called his mother to tell her what was happening and to his surprise , and mine too , she started to cry . She was not crying as if he was betraying her by marrying ' gori , ' which she still called me , but because , she told him , she wished she could be there with him to see it happen . After everything they had done to fight the marriage , he got his mother 's blessing . As I 've said before , one of M 's biggest complaints living in Canada was his lack of familial support . This is not to pretend that if his family was with him in Canada that they would have been much support , but in his head , that was the meaning and importance of family - - to support you in big life changes . To want the best for you . The week I came for spring break , the week my parents came to Montreal , Z became all of those things for M . Z took the place of M 's father , uncle , cousin and best friend . My parents arrived while M was still at work . When he got home we led them to their hotel room and ordered a pizza for dinner . We saved all heavy talk for the next day . My dad and M spoke in Urdu and my dad told stories . M really just listened a lot and then we left them to rest . The next morning Z went with M and I to talk to my parents . Z and my dad got along very well . They all started with talking to my dad in Urdu and telling stories before jumping right into marriage talk . M seemed petrified . He was scared and it was something that I really had never seen before . I mean , I had talked to him while he was sick in Pakistan and he was upset , but never just petrified like this . He explained his whole story again to my dad and they compared stories of their own fathers . It seemed that Z was trying to talk M into going ahead with the wedding and my father was just telling him that he had to do what made him happy . I listened over and over as M explained to both of them that he knew he was going to marry me . He explained that he had been ready to marry me even before his trip to Pakistan , but that now was not the right time . He explained that things were not right yet . I could see him getting frustrated and more and more nervous . I had to leave the room . I walked into the bathroom and before I knew it I was sobbing . I was as silent as possible because I did not want anyone outside to hear me , but my mom had seen the look on my face as I walked into the bathroom . She walked in a few minutes after me and hugged me . For my momPosted by Z and his wife welcomed me in so happily . I have always loved his wife . She absolutely amazes me ! She married Z very young , but knows just how to handle him . She is always patient and calm , attributes I do not have at all ! He always knows when she 's angry , and she doesn 't have to say anything at all ! Anyway , I had my bag holding the lengha in my lap as we made small talk . Once we had exhausted the topics of weather and how my trip went , I turned to N ( Z 's wife ) and told her that I had brought a lengha to show her . I told her I wanted to know if it was good or not and that I had found it on the internet . I pulled it gently out of the bag and she looked politely over the beading and embroidery with me . She smiled and looked at Z and we discussed how heavy the lengha was . Z was smiling from ear to ear and I knew that now he would ask the question that I needed him to ask . " So then it 's good news , " he said . I took a deep breath , and though this was how I expected the conversation to go , there were still tears trying to ruin my voice . " Well , we had planned for good news , " I said . " But it appears that I have brought this dress for nothing . He has changed his mind again . " Z became serious and asked me what I meant . Z was one of the few people who knew the whole story of what happened with M in Pakistan . I told Z that M had changed his mind again and that he was just too scared . I told him that we had already gone through this several times and that I just did not think that it was ever really going to happen and that I couldn 't continue to live this way . " I will talk to him , " he said , and that was that . N looked very sad for me and reassured me that Z was going to take care of things . When M got home , I told him about my visit with Z , and M knew what to expect . Immediately after M got home , Z was calling him to come and talk . They went out together and were gone for two hours . When M came back he was happier . He told me all about their conversation and laughed about it with me . The long and short was that Z basically asked hiPosted by I stepped off the plane and got my luggage . I was going back and forth in my head about how the visit was going to go . M picked me up at the airport , late as always , and helped me put my bags in the trunk . On the ride home he held my hand and I watched the now familiar shopping malls and bus stops go past my window . I stared out the window , worried and making sure not to turn towards M . You know what ? There is just no way to maintain your dignity and at the same time ask a man if he still plans to marry you this week . I couldn 't believe that after all this time I was still in a situation where I just had no idea of where I stood . I knew that M loved me , but it just didn 't seem like enough any more . What point is there to being ' in love ' if it is impossible to even live in the same country with the person ? In our situation , the only way to live in the same country was to get married . We got home and had dinner . It was the next day before we discussed our plans . M was still unsure . It was maddening to me ! It was his comment this day that got me started . He said , " You have your parents and K [ my best friend . ] I have no one to get advice from . I have no one to advise me . " You may remember Z from my earlier post . Z was a friend of M 's from way back . They immigrated to Canada around the same time and were even from the same town in Pakistan . He and his two brothers were roommates to M in his earlier years in Canada , and the four had never moved away from living on the same street in their town in Canada . The two often gave each other advice and I had visited his home often to see his two small children and wife . Z had long been asking M why it was that we were not getting married and had in fact been one of the first people M discussed our April plans with . Z encouraged him . Z told him that he knew " better than anyone else " how M was when I was not there . He had told M , " you are depressed all of the time , until she gets here . " It was my opinion that it was time to enlist help . I called my dad . My dad and M had always gottPosted by I started my student teaching in January , 2006 . I was assigned to teach Spanish in a middle school . This particular school district only taught Spanish I in Middle school and had two different versions . They allowed seventh graders the option of starting Spanish 1 in seventh grade and taking the second half in eighth grade or just taking Spanish 1 as a full year subject in the eighth grade . My supervising teacher had been teaching for more than 40 years and so she had a cake walk schedule : six classes of 7th grade Spanish I ( part 1 . ) This easy workload ( as compared to a friend of mine who taught German I , II , III , IV and V in a high school , even though her desired post graduation job was teaching ESL ) really helped me out in my already stressful life , since I was , in essence , working two full time jobs and finishing up graduate work too boot . I took trips to see M for Christmas , and each three day weekend I was allowed . . . I saw him again in February and then had to wait for Spring Break in April . M and I had been calling mosques all around his town trying to find one that would allow us to get married . I could tell M was still scared of getting married , and the fact that his mosque still would not perform the marriage did not help . Finally , I found a mosque on the other side of the city that would perform the marriage . It made me very excited to hear the imam sound so accepting of the idea . I had begun to believe I would never find a mosque that would accept us . The plan was that we would get married during my Spring Break . I started looking for something to wear as a surprise for M . We had been talking marriage so long that I actually had bought a white wedding dress ( big mistake ! ) but this was not an appropriate occasion for this and my life was not conducive to planning a big reception in Canada . My family is also not able to travel frequently or on short notice . I looked over and over for a lengha to wear for M after the marriage . * For those who may not be familiar , lengha is a traditional outfit in Pakistan fPosted by We did not immediately get married , and I settled into a routine . I went to school , volunteered at my rescue squad and worked every available shift to make extra money to take trips to see M . I kept my eyes peeled for cheap airfares , signed up for a frequent flier program , and got used to driving each time I could not find a good fare . * As a side note , any students who might be reading , check out www . studentuniverse . com for really good airfares . You have to book a minimum of two weeks ahead of time and have to keep your eyes peeled because the fares change daily , but I got some monster good deals during that period of my life since I was working on my Master 's and full time in school . * The fact that M and I were not yet married and therefore could not start his immigration process really began to get me angry . Every spare moment I had was dedicated to either finding ways to travel to be with him , actually travelling or working so that I would be able to travel . I was beginning to get exhausted and started to blame M . After all , we could start if he could just get over being petrified of marriage after his Pakistan ordeal . On reflection , I may have been being selfish , but I knew he wasn 't going to get better until things were settled . He was still horribly depressed , and this on top of everything else really stressed me out . On the up side , school was really interesting , but didn 't consume much of my time . The most difficult scheduling for that semester ( Fall , 2005 ) was doing 30 hours of high school observation . The next semester , however , I knew was going to be absolutely crazy . The culminating project for my Master 's in Teaching was a full - time ( unpaid ) student teaching assignment at a middle school . I would be required to work the same hours as a teacher , including all after - school assignments and parent meetings , and somehow manage to keep up with my " M travel " and work enough to keep a roof over my head . The way I did this was by working 14 hour night shifts on Friday and Saturday nights and a 10 hour day shift Posted by The divorce certificate arrived in November 2005 , seven months after M sent the divorce . I went for my Thanksgiving break and we got it notarized . I thought that this would be the end of all our problems and that we would just immediately get married . M was not thinking the same thing . M was still reeling from his last " marriage " and felt like nothing should be rushed . He was getting a little more to himself but was still much more gun - shy than the man I once knew . Before his trip M was almost cocky , now he was hesitant about each new move . He had the urge to study everything and wanted to just ' let things happen ' without any forward motion from his direction . For this reason marriage , among other things were difficult . M again sought counsel about marriage from the Imam of his mosque , who did not even listen to his question and basically sent him away . He tried instead the gentleman who handled marriage ceremonies at his mosque . This man actually yelled at M . The man demanded to know why M would want to marry a non - Muslim . M could not even try to reason with him , he was too embarrassed by the man 's reaction . M never tried to speak with either man again . M had attended this mosque for more than eight years , but when he needed assistance and counsel , no one would listen , except for Uncle . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * M had arrived in January and since then had not been able to find consistent work . In April , as soon as the divorce was declared and sent , he managed to find agency work . It was not always the same place , but it was daily work and gave him some money to work with . After a month of showing he was dependable , the agency sent him to work in a factory as a temp for a long term assignment . This gave him a bit of consistency and a higher wage , but ended after only three months and though his supervisor wanted to hire him permanently , the contract they had with the temporary agency prohibited it . And so by November , it was just temp work again moving from place to place to place anPosted by I am not a patient person , I am actually quite obsessive . I can obsess about anything . I usually turn it into a good thing , again by learning everything I can about whatever is going on . In my obsession about getting M to live with me in the United States , I began researching everything about immigration that I could . Google was again my best friend . I found legal websites and forums where there was a ton of information . I found out that in order to overcome the Expedited Removal from that day at the border , we would have to file a special waiver and wait for it to be approved before being given a visa . I reasearched waivers in depth during this period . I spent every extra moment trying to find instructions on how to compile evidence for the waiver , how it would be filed , statistics on wait time and approval rates . I was completely obsessed . I couldn 't have M , so I had to have something to fill my time . My secondary obsession , only secondary because I had absolutely no control over it , was getting M motivated an getting a copy of that divorce certificate . After much nagging , M began calling his father ( over and over again ) to get him working on a divorce certificate . This was another aspect of my research , I knew that M needed a copy of the union council certificate . * Cultural note * In Pakistan , smaller towns are divided up with Union Councils . . . think equivalent of a Town Council or a Board of Supervisors only with a lot more leverage . The Union Council maintains divorce records and tries to set up arbitration to prevent a divorce . This is in addition to many other duties . . . Unfortunately , M 's family felt that the council would not give a certificate because of the influence of the girl 's family . For this reason , M 's father and brother enlisted the help of an attorney , who drew up a paper for M to get signed and notarized in Canada . This letter was written on something called " Rupee Paper " and had Government of Pakistan watermarks on it . The attorney assured M 's family that this was " exactly " what was necessary Posted by In my mind it took quite a bit of time for M and Uncle to get the divorce letter written . M thought of it as a very complex document and had no idea whatsoever in how to write it . For this reason he allowed Uncle to write the letter and he would simply read it for accuracy . The letter had to be very specific , Uncle told him , for the sake of the girl . It was comforting to me that they took this into consideration , but I still wanted him to legalize it specifically in Canada . The Canadian divorce would be viewed much more favorably here in the states as well as in Canada . I had already read how divorces from Pakistan were eyed suspiciously be U . S . Immigration because of the supposed ease of obtaining fake certificates and the prevalence of ' fake ' so called ' green - card ' marriages from that country . I must have been ' warned ' by ' friends ' a million times about being careful of my Pakistani fiancee since he might have another wife waiting for him in Pakistan . . . especially hurtful since , haha * insert horrified , hurt face * on me , technically he did , and I hadn 't told any of them . ( Some of my friends had even told me they were worried when I took my first trip to Canada to visit , that I would find him there with a whole other family . . . ) M 's reaction to this suggestion was not good . The cheapest attorney we could find in Canada to handle this was about $ 2 , 000 and wait times ranged upwards of a year , even with an unconsummated , short marriage with no compicating financial entanglement or children , etc . . . Divorce in Pakistan , on the other hand , was simply the cost of the postage and the notary stamp . Since rukhsati had not taken place ( the girl never left home and the marriage was not consummated ) divorce would be almost immediate on the receipt of the letter . This uncomplicated version of divorce was probably another reason U . S . Immigration frowns on these certificates . As if the situation couldn 't just be this simple , it was further complicated by the fact that M would have to obtain an official copy of the divorce certPosted by We were devastated that M was not going to be able to return with me . We had not even considered any other options , but now we were working overtime trying to make a plan . I had brought a considerable amount of money with me for the trip and so a hotel was not a problem . M 's cousin , with whom he usually stayed after long trips like this one , was not in Canada . He was at the time visiting the states . It was very difficult to swallow the new situation , and we didn 't yet know all of the implications . At the hotel room we tried to discuss options , but to him it was just hopeless . The next morning we got up and started looking for a longer term hotel to stay in until he could get contact with his cousin and apply for jobs . We used some of the money I had brought to pay for a month in a not so nice motel next to M 's mosque . The condition of the motel did not matter as much as it 's proximity to both the mosque and his cousin 's apartment and the fact that it included his necessary furniture and electricity . Do remember that it was January in Canada . The motel was warm , and that pretty much says it all . After a few days I had to return home and left M sitting in his room , alone . For the sake of brevity , I 'm going to be a little less detailed about the next few months . The incident at the border had M convinced for months that he had done something wrong and was being punished by God . He was depressed , his cousin was still away , and finding a job in the winter in his city is sometimes difficult . His only comfort was the mosque . I visited every three to six weeks at that time . Every time I got a few days off , I would drive myself 12 hours to see him . It took months for me to book my first ticket by air , which was a new experience for me . I had never flown anywhere . I scarfed up student airfares and found last minute bargain prices as often as possible . M was having trouble figuring out the best way to go about the divorce and was beginning to doubt that he could even go through with it . He had called his parents within days ofPosted by Certain things about that day at the border are burnt into my brain . The name of the officer who issued all of the orders , the reactions of his co - workers to his attitude and demeanor , the way that the other officers watched M and I each time we were again placed together over the course of the day . But I think the picture that I replay the most was M 's face . M was already ' broken ' when he came back from Pakistan . He was emaciated , aged and more depressed than anyone I had ever known , but each time he saw me start to break he would come alive , and I did the same thing for him . It sounds dramatic as I type it , but when the officer first told us M was going to be denied entry I turned into stone . Every American stereotype about believing in " rights " and " justice " came out in me . I glazed over and stared at the officer . I made him give every inch that I could possibly take . I demanded explanations of each sheet of paper M had to sign . I stood my ground about getting my phone back and being allowed to call home . I demanded to know where M was going to be each time he left me . When M started to break , I told him not to worry , things would be fixed . This would be fixed . I drew my determination that day , and trust me , I needed it . I had no idea of the determination it was going to take . I had no idea of the multiple laws that had been written in such a way as to undermine exactly what it was that I wanted , a life ( in the United States ) with M . I was ignorant to exactly how powerful this one man was in the grand scheme of things , and I had no idea that my government really has written away the rights , the same rights we as American citizens take for granted , for anyone who is not a citizen of our country . The same rights that dear Mr . Bush ironically propagandized spreading all over the world . When it was written that " All men are created equal . . . . " it did not mean " all " men . At the time it left out both women and people of color . Now , it left out anyone not from the United States . When we tout " due process " and " justicePosted by I was nervous as we walked inside without our passports . We looked for a representative to have them . We waited a few minutes before addressed by an officer who started to ask M questions about his trip to Pakistan and then questions about his residence in Canada . M was too honest and though he technically had a place to stay with his cousin , admitted that he had no lease in Canada as he had just come back from a five month stay in Pakistan . They discussed his previous jobs in Canada , since he also had no work in Canada right now , again , he had just returned from Pakistan . Every part of the conversation continually went back to Pakistan and it was then that I started to get antsy . I must have rolled my eyes too obviously because the officer told me that I was no longer allowed to stand beside M and must go sit in one of the lobby chairs a few feet away . I felt I had no choice but to obey . Within a few minutes M joined me and the officer set out to search our car . When the officer came back he had basically decided we were up to no good . In my briefcase he found , as I had told him he would , out of date immigration paperwork and as I had not warned him , articles on divorce . The articles were research I had done on what M would have to do to divorce the woman in Pakistan , but somehow the officer had conjured in his head that we had some elaborate scheme starting six months ago for M and I to apply for his immigration , get married , and then for me to divorce him . The officer placed us in holding cells behind the secondary inspection desk . We were separated and I was seated on a wooden bench in an entirely green room . He decided to " interview " us separately . I began calmly and explained that I had already told him about the expired visa application and told him that it didn 't matter anyway , that M had been forced into an arranged marriage while in Pakistan and that was why he found the research on divorce . I also pointed out that if he read the research I had come up with , he would know that M had to return to Canada toPosted by Okay , so I admitted that I was a fairly naive person . I had not traveled much by this point and definitely not with M . We had all of course lived through September 11 , but somehow in my mind , nearly four years later it just did not occur to me that it could cause me an issue . Neither did I think that the fact that it was the week of Bush II 's second inauguration should cause me any issues . Truthfully , I had forgotten it was the same week . Bordering on completely worthless and stupid , It didn 't occur to me that a Pakistani man traveling on a Canadian passport could be singled out because of a Pakistani visa in his passport even if that visa was used so recently . I did have qualms , knowing very little about immigration law about the two of us traveling together one on a U . S . passport and one on a Canadian passport , but I figured being truthful about our plans and the fact that M only had one suitcase of luggage would be proof enough that he had to return to Canada . In case anyone is unfamiliar , when entering the U . S . no matter from what country you are required to basically prove that you do not have immigrant intent . This usually comes into play with countries that require a visa , you 've probably heard about it in reference to Pakistan , Bangladesh , India . . . even Mexico a lot , but every border agent is " trained " to try to figure out if you are trying to immigrate without the proper visa . M and I had discussed it , and I had to go back to school and work relatively quickly . M would travel with me to my town and stay there a few weeks . It was our assumption that he would need to return to his home in Canada to obtain a proper divorce from his " wife " in Pakistan . And so , on the morning of January 15 , 2005 we set out on our trip . We decided to stop and see a few of his friends first and got lunch at a nice little Italian place before beginning the journey . In a nice pile of mistakes I made , I had printed out directions from online and they were different that normal . They sent us to a different POE than we usually used , oPosted by I arrived at the airport at 12 noon . I couldn 't sleep anyway and what if his plane landed early ? ( yeah right , an early international flight , right ? ) M still had not called , but what else was I going to do ? I had driven 12 hours to pick this man up from the airport . . . . I walked around the airport shops looking for food . Drank some juice and watched others waiting for their families in the international section of the waiting area . There weren 't very many stores because this section of the airport was undergoing renovations . I found a phone card after walking around for a while and called M 's home number to see if he picked up the phone . One of his brothers answered . I called the cell phone , no answer . It wasn 't a definitive answer , but at least I knew he wasn 't stupid enough to have ditched me and then answered the phone . The brother who answered the home phone seemed to be trying to tell me he wasn 't there anymore , but with our broken language lines , I just couldn 't be sure . I checked the flight prompter , each time I checked it there was a different delay , it went from on - time to one hour delay , to thirty minute delay and then to landed . The plane marked landed around 1 : 45 pm and by 2 : 30 I was getting antsy again . I was pacing a little and each time the doors opened I watched intently to see any sign of which flight was coming in , an impossible task considering that there was such a crowd and I couldn 't catch a glimpse of a ticket or luggage tag , and was too far back to question anyone as to which plane they had gotten off of . I began to notice that other people who were waiting had began to watch me . One specific old man had been watching me for the last two hours or so , I guess wondering why I was still here and what I could possibly be doing . I was starting to lose hope that M was coming at all . His plane had registered " landed " for more than an hour and a half and still no sign of him . I was standing behind a crowd of people and I was too short to see over them , I had to peer between them to see the new arrivPosted by So the night before M 's flight to Montreal I drove and drove and drove . It was January , so there was a lot of snow . I didn 't reserve a room figuring I would just get one close to the airport . Twelve hours is a long time to drive , especially when you 've worked a day shift and only napped a few hours before starting the trip . I had a lot of time to think . . . I was very excited , but not completely convinced that M would actually be on the plane when it landed . I spoke to him again before he was scheduled to leave , he had stops in the UAE and Frankfurt before landing in Montreal and I asked him to call me from one or the other . He called me before he left and didn 't call to cancel , as he had on all previous trips . During my whole trip I pegged where he should be and when . He was supposed to land in Montreal at 1 : 00 pm . . . he did not call once during the night . I arrived in Montreal around 5 am . I barely recongnized the streets covered in snow . It was wet and dirty , beautiful Montreal in January . The first two hotels I stopped at had no rooms and I was getting a little tipsy . I desperately needed a nap . When I walked into the Ramada they had a room , but I had to rent it for the previous night because it was before check - in time . . . and pay for the next day . I did not care , I needed a shower and somewhere close to stay before I picked up M . I went back outside to get my luggage and slipped into a mud puddle under ice . I was so excited and nervous , it made me laugh . I went upstairs to shower and laid down in the bed . I could not fall asleep . I had been so tired originally , but now I couldn 't shut down the images in my head . For months I had imagined that M would just appear in places around my home . I kept thinking that he would just show up at my work , or at my house . I would see him places , in the store , on the street , even in the towns I had to go to for work on the ambulance . I would see him places he would never be . I would dream about the day that I would pick him up from the airport . I imagined hugging him . I imaginPosted by While M was gone I was not in the best of health . I 've never experienced something so completely physical caused by something so emotional since . I was unable to eat normally . I would wake up in the morning with a nervous stomach ache . I would go to work at 9am and by 2 : 00 pm I was able to eat something . I would eat a small meal and most every day , I vomited it right back up . Thinking back to it , it is quite inexplicable . It was a depression that I cannot rationally describe because looking back it seems quite ridiculous . It resulted in a 30 lb weight - loss that was actually quite obvious . I had been working while M was gone and had also gone back to attending graduate school . I was doing a Master 's in Teaching , working my two Paramedic jobs and doing a short practicum for school . My luck was always that my Paramedic schedule was very flexible and that college schedules always give ample breaks . It was the very next day that after my lashing out that M called me back . He said that he just wanted to let me know that he was flying into Montreal on January 13 . He told me that he didn 't care if I came or not , that he had a lot of " decisions to make " and that he would " find a way home " even if I didn 't come , but that he thought I would want to know after such a long time . It was obvious to me that this was his way of making a plea . We talked for a few minutes and I told him that I would be there . I was quite afraid that he was going to let me down again , but at the same time , I could not refuse . It was completely impossible . I had waited too long and dreamt too often of seeing him again . The things I said the day before were clouding us both , as was the obvious overhanging of the past five months . Nonetheless , I again rearranged my schedule and planned for a week of travel time . I knew that he would come back home with me . There was no doubt in my mind . It became obvious over the course of those few weeks in December that a quick return home and a quick annulment / divorce were not going to be realistic . The family pressure was actually scaring M in a way that I simply never have understood . The paperwork was finally delivered in the last week of December and M was free to book his ticket . The ticket was almost expired at this point and booking a flight with it carried a cash penalty . M tried to convince me this was the main problem , until I discovered the U . S . Dollar value of 50 Rupees . . . . The cash penalty wasn 't the main problem though , the main problem was booking a flight that corresponded to his original booking from five months earlier . Consistently , he would think he had a flight and then would call me the morning of or the day before , to let me know that the plans had fallen through . Finally , on January 5 , 2005 I had had enough . I had waited and waited and actually made plans for my trip to pick him up at the airport in Canada . ( A 12 - hour trip , mind you . ) He called me from the cell phone , while riding in a cab . He sounded out of breath and apologetic as he once again cancelled telling me he had even gone so far as to ride to the airport and his ticket was not accepted . In the background I could hear all of the horns honking and traffic noises . He gave me the news and quickly had to get off the phone due to all of the distractions . I had been called and cancelled three times in two weeks , and I gave up . I called M on the phone after he got home . I was crying and told him that I did not care if he came back or not . I told him that he obviously had no intention of being honest with me and did not care for me in the way that I had been led to believe . I told him that he had proven it multiple times , first by making the trip when we both knew it was a bad idea , then by extending his stay , marrying some strange woman , and cementing it with ' jerking me around ' for such a long time . Instead of apologizing he simply listened , made an excuse or two , and acted as if IPosted by I talked to M for a long time that day . Mostly I did the talking . I grieved as I talked , and said things that had he been strong enough , would have made him angry . Instead , he just took it . His voice was too quiet to hear at times and he thought out loud about his religion , about the ' wedding . ' M is Muslim , very Muslim . He tries to find out what he is ' supposed ' to do according to his religion and tries to put aside what he wants no matter how much it hurts . As I said before , he has more than once referred to me as his " weakness . " It was his family 's opinion that marrying me would weaken his religion and change his " line . " This was a worry he had begun to share . Now , being technically married , he worried that even talking to me on the phone was bad , but that turned out to be something he could not leave . Don 't doubt that he tried . M 's parents changed immediately after the marriage was conducted . The watch of his cousins was loosened . Suddenly , M 's demeanor started changing back to a more normal replica of himself . He was not getting sick every night and was allowed out of the house alone . I would call and find that he had the cell phone in the market or on the streets . His family started making plans for him to leave but required that he wait for his " wife 's " papers before going . The marriage happened November 24 , 2004 , and on December 13 , the paperwork still had not been delivered . The thing that got more complicated for me was M 's guilt . He kept trying to determine if divorcing this woman was allowed by his religion , and at what cost to his family . His marriage had been a work of several both distant and close members of the family . One of the most instrumental in the planning was a certain favorite and trusted cousin of his who wanted to marry one of his other cousins . Theirs was a ' love ' match , but unequal in education and wealth . The female was college educated while the male was by description of the prospective bride 's mother , " illiterate . " Oddly , this part of the match was not made known to M until long afterPosted by It would be three more days before I could get in touch with M . I did not spend those days idle , instead I put my time to good use prank calling Pakistan . By this time I was very angry that I was not able to get in touch with M and did not care who I disturbed . I would call intermittantly from around 1 : 00pm my time to 3 : 00pm which translated to 12 midnight - 2am their time . When someone else answered the phone , that did not stop me . I simply hung up and dialed again . The person answering was a voice I had never heard before , but that did not stop me either . You could probably very accurately have labeled me both psychotic and obsessive at that point , with a good measure of bitter . I called too many times to count . Allowed the phone to ring until it was answered , no matter how many rings that meant . I shouted at the phone when the line refused to connect , I spoke to the person on the phone in my broken , rehearsed Urdu as much as possible , and then stopped . On the day that M finally answered the phone he was sullen . He sounded angry and sad at the same time . It took several minutes for him to tell me that he had married and when he did I shook . For a minute I thought that I couldn 't breathe and quite literally I could feel my heart . I could feel my heart breaking . M was mine , at least , he was supposed to be mine . We had firsts together . We had history . I was mad . I was mad at him . I was mad at what I perceived as his weakness . I was mad at his failure . I was mad at his tone and his inability to answer my questions . I started shouting , " I cannot believe that you have done this ! " I berated him , " Do you know how much trouble this is going to cause us ? How much time we are going to lose ? This is not easy to fix ! This was a stupid decision . Why didn 't you run ? I begged you to run ! " In the time that M had been gone , our preliminary visa paperwork had been approved with an expiration date in December . I used that against him . I shouted about the " poor girl " he had married . I asked him if he 'd even tried to explain the situation tPosted by I had my first panic attack on November 24 , 2004 . I did not know what was happening at the time , but it was the same day that M got married . I had gone out to dinner with two really good friends . It had been three days since I had last spoken to M . We drove back from a really nice dinner and all of the sudden I could not breath . My chest hurt and my whole body was numb . I started to hyperventilate and could not speak . This had never happened to me before , nor has it since . I couldn 't even cry appropriately , just watery eyes . I had cried too much and I guess in my heart I knew something was really wrong . Since then I have tried to get M to tell me what happened that day . The part he tells me is after making a long trip from his home to the mountains his whole family piled into a van and they drove for a very long time . He always describes that day almost like a fog . He says they were driving and he had his cell phone in his hand . He would look out the window and think a lot of things , but he vividly remembers wishing that the van would drive off of the mountain . He remembers wondering where they were going , though he really knew . He describes thinking that his cell phone wouldn 't work there and that it was time for me to call him . They took him into the mosque just long enough to sign the paperwork . Though she signed the nikka nama , it is unclear to me if she was even in the same room of the mosque that he was when it took place . There was no dinner , no party , and no rukhsati . Her family was given jewelry , purchased by M 's mother and aunt , and clothing and then there was the trip back . I found myself in this situation while in the middle of a shift . I was crying uncontrollably and could not stop . My luck was that I was working with my best friend who knew all that was going on . There was no way to hide it from her and she was able to listen and not betray her distrust of the whole situation . K was my best friend and roommate and had listened all of the times that M had stood me up in the beginning . She didn 't quite trust him , but she knew how attached I was and knew every detail of what had been going on in his absence . I finished out the shift and made my way to my parents ' house . I was 23 years old , but I sat in my father 's lap and cried that day . I told him what was happening and got the most unexpected advice . My father said that with all the things I knew about M 's situation in Pakistan and the family control of marriages , that M might be telling me the absolute truth . I had been convinced that no one in the world would be able to respect me if I listened to this story from M . I had assumed I was the only person who would believe it , and even I wasn 't completely confident in my trust . In my narrow , naive viewpoint , something like this could never happen . I was more used to the story of the " suspicious Muslim man " having one family in his home country and one in his ' adopted ' country . Those were the stories I had read and seen on television . I had heard of women that this happened to , but not men . I listened to my father 's advice , and I went home to research . I googled " forced marriages " and " forced arranged marriages . " I googled any topic I thought might bring me closer to finding anyone else who had the same situation . I found fewer men than women , but there were men to whom this had happened . I laid awake that night trying to think of what to do . I tried to think of ways to encourage M to run and I reminded myself that that had been a failing tactic for nearly three months already . I reminded myself that he didn 't even have access to his own passport at this point . There had even been an incPosted by I spent the entire months of September and October listening to various excuses about M 's father 's health and his brother 's wedding . I was still working as a Paramedic at that time for two different jobs . I carried my cell phone 24 / 7 , had phone cards stuffed into my bags and made time every day between 12 and 1 to call M on the off chance that he would get the phone instead of his family . It got to the point that I would be sleeping at 3 am and get a strange international call from M who had gotten time with his brother 's cell phone . These calls were always panicked and nearly always irrational . He sounded like a completely different person in these calls . When he was with me he had been happy , and funny , without a care in the world . He could have fun mopping a floor or posing for goofy pictures . But now he was just sick , depressed and paranoid . I spent those two months carrying around ticket estimates and a visa application . I was always trying to get his address and permission to come bring him back home . It was in November that M gave me the bottom line , " They are not going to let me leave until I 've gotten married . " He explained that his entire day was loaded with family visits from people his parents considered prospects , calls on the telephone and his family shoving pictures of eligible cousins in front of his face . He spent his days arguing his case in futility and being fought by his parents and siblings , as well as the cousins who accompanied him everywhere he went . The cousins were more subtle , but their message was clear . I was livid and angry and screaming at this point . All I could think of was broken promises and how ' disappointing ' he was to me . It was my opinion that there was no way that he could be so sick that he could not run away , that he could not pull himself out of the illness or the reaching distance of his family . Even hearing his voice , listening to his stories , even with the decreasing contact I could not possibly believe that there was nothing else he could do . I used every argument that I Posted by Things just kept getting worse . For the first several months I spoke to M every single night . We would talk for at least 25 minutes and most of the time longer . I was very inexperienced with international calls back then and all I knew about were those crazy STI phone cards , so I would spend $ 5 for a 25 minute call , and that was pretty much the best bargain I could get . I would run one card out and start another only to use it completely up too . The phone calls were the high point of my day . Inconsistently , we could use MSN Messenger . M had taken his computer with him and when he could get online and stay there , we would talk . But it was just not the same since we couldn 't hear each other that way . And then suddenly , M wasn 't around for calls each night . It became difficult to contact him and sometimes his mom would get the phone before he could and hang up on me . I finally had to resort to getting one of his male friends in my town to call for me , get M on the phone and then I could talk to him . M was not helping the situation . As depressed as he was he started mentioning how persistent his family was being about getting him married there in Pakistan . They had people calling the house all day long with proposals and daily had pictures of the " prospects . " In the beginning M had found this funny and even minorly gratifying . He explained to me that he could have three arms and one eye and be a ' catch , ' as long as he still had his Canadian passport . It was around this time that M 's passport disappeared from his bag along with the ticket stub for his return ticket . M 's younger brother was getting married and this had been the family 's first reason for an extension request , but as they got bolder , they pressed harder and harder about M himself . The pressure and arguments started about his ' family responsibility . ' They pressured about his getting ' citizenship ' for one of his cousins . They chose specific members of the family and the extended family got involved . One of M 's closest male cousins was working behind the scenes Posted by Just before M left for Pakistan we had a huge fight . M did not have a permanent apartment in Canada , so he had to leave his possessions somewhere . There were very few of them , so few that they fit into a small suitcase . It had been my assumption that I would keep them for him since we had already discussed my coming to pick him up when he got back from Pakistan . One of my favorite M pastimes was going through his stuff . Silly , I know , but it felt good that he really didn 't care that I did it . One of my favorites was his wallet , and my new favorite second was this suitcase . M had used his Canadian passport to get his visa to go to Pakistan , and his old , outdated Paksitani passport was inside this suitcase . I opened the book in awe of the picture I found there . In M 's Canadian passport was the most beautiful picture of M ever . He was wearing a very fancy burgundy shirt with a tie that appeared silk and was a slightly different color than the shirt . That outfit had been his pride on the day he went to get his Canadian citizenship and he had had the passport photo taken the same day . Getting his Canadian passport was very important to M . He loved the country and was very proud that he had made it there and made his way to citizenship . In the picture he looked very fancy , hair perfectly coiffed with gel , short and just a tiny up part in the front . He was freshly shaven and had this half smile that was typical for him when he was really proud or happy about something . In this picture , you could even see the tiny dimple to the left of his mouth , the one I fell in love with . The M inside the Pakistani passport was an entirely different person . The M in that picture had longer , more tousseled hair . He was wearing a large jacket that looked like something a Canadian would wear to a hockey game . The M in the Pakistani passport looked a little mean and very bulky with a square jaw . He was very concerned with bodybuilding back then . My eyes were wide looking at it and M got embarrassed . We laughed over how much he had changed inPosted by The first few calls went beautifully . The phrase worked like a charm , I 'm a good parrot . M 's mother was always the one answering the phone and she giggled uncontrollably each time I called . She always went yelling for M in the same sing - song voice and I started analyzing the way she said his first name . One annoying thing about M and I was that when he introduced himself to me , instead of using his given name he used his surname . He did not think I would be able to pronounce his first name properly and he hates his first name anyway so he just told me to call him his last name . It was three months into ' dating ' that I found out his real first name and by then I was so stuck on the name he 'd given me I just couldn 't change it ! So when I listened to his mom sing out his real first name I would try my best to imitate it and that made me giggle as well . M would tell me stories about his visit and how his friends were all coming by and how he was sleeping late every day . He would tell me that his father was taking his time in making appointments and that they had scheduled a date for surgery . He told me his mother wanted him to stay at least a month , but that it was really hot . . . we talked about a little bit of everything . It took about a week for the fighting to start . His father from the very beginning was against M marrying an American , much less a Christian , white American . His father had never met one , but he knew , certainly , from all of the talk in his city , that we were not a good match . And so it happened one day , probably in the fifth week M was in Pakistan , that M 's father happened to answer the phone when I called . To my amazement , my phrase did not work . M 's father simply screamed into the telephone , " NO ! " and promptly hung up the phone as violently as possible . It was soon after this that M started to get sick . By sick I mean violently ill . It could be heard in his voice , this depression and weakness . He told me that he was vomiting every day and that there were times he felt like he couldn 't even make it ouPosted by It was my opinion that the ticket not having a return date proved a point . I was livid . M quickly left the travel agency to retrieve me . He argued that this was the way ' everyone ' buys tickets to Pakistan . He argued that his father was sick and " what if something happened ? " He argued that it was cheaper this way . I knew all of this explaining was complete bullshit and that he had only given a date in the first place to placate me . He had a habit of doing things like this in order to avoid conflict . . . . telling me what I wanted to hear . I had never demanded a time limit , how could I ? But I HAD asked when he was coming back . Apparently , he felt that two weeks was reasonable and just faked it . His main argument was that if his father needed him to stay longer , it would be expensive to change the ticket , whereas if he bought an open ticket , he could come back " any time . " M was certain his parents were going to approve of us after he talked to them in person . We were so serious , that I brought all of the paperwork with me to file a fiancee visa for him . We had decided it could start its processing while he was gone and be closer to done by the time he returned . We actually signed all of the papers in the parking garage of the airport . ( So began my in - depth immigration education . . . oh how I have learned since then . . . . ) We arrived extra early to get him checked in and so that we could eat together before he got on his flight . As soon as he boarded the plane I was to start my 12 hour trek back home . We sat depressed , eating and he instructed me on how to make an international call and where to get phone cards and how to talk to his parents when I called . No one in his home speaks any English , so I had to ask in Urdu . He taught me the phrase and gave me the dialing instructions on a ' Burger King ' napkin . I could tell that he was tense , but he was excited at the prospect of surprising his mom . She knew he was coming in the next few weeks , but he had not told her when . It was going to be a complete surprise . We scheduled Posted by M promised his trip would only last for two weeks and so on August the fourth I drove my crazy self back to Canada to help him get ready for the trip . M was NOT happy about this trip and the more I listened to his stories from Pakistan , I knew why . He was not exactly on good terms with his parents and it seemed obvious to me that the trip was not a good idea . M was set on it though . He had already reserved the tickets and so I went with him to the travel agency to pick them up . It was there that I got my first inkling that something was really wrong . We went to the agent and he started explaining the terms of the tickets . Now mind you , I am not completely naive . The idea that I could be " fooled " by my Pakistani boyfriend into thinking that we have a chance for a happily married life , did not escape me . I read all the same stories and newspaper articles that you guys have . I read about men who married women in their home countries to make their parents happy . I read about women being married to these men YEARS before they found out . And so , I was on the lookout for anything , everything that might mean I was wrong for caring so much . When the travel agent laid the tickets down I picked them up . I was curious . I had never flown or actually seen a plane ticket . I had never had a plane ticket , or any other piece of paper make me so angry in all my life . As I read the details of the ticket I seethed . I took in a deep breath , stood up silently , slammed the tickets into M 's lap and walked directly out of the travel agent 's office and down the street . I heard the travel agent trying to explain something , he had noticed I was angry even before M . And as I stomped down the street I heard M shouting behind me and then standing silently at the door of the travel agency as I walked away . I had walked three blocks before I realized I had no idea where my car was parked . There was no return date on the ticket . M and I had to search out a hotel room because there was no way for me to stay with he and his friend . M had never had to use a hotel in his own town so we immediately went to the closest one . It drew a QUICK veto from me , it was the nastiest hotel I had ever seen . We ended up instead renting a room for me in the " cheesiest " place I 'd ever seen . Maybe one day I 'll share a story about that , but I don 't think you know me well enough yet . . . I 'd never get you back if I described the place right now . At any rate , we were extremely happy to see each other again , and M was amazed that I had come all that way just to see him . We spent a few days of him showing me around and doing minorly touristy things . This was the first time I ate samosas or found myself surrounded entirely by desis . M 's little neighborhood was like a little piece of Pakistan , mixed in with a few scattered Egyptians and the random Saudi Arabian . I had never actually seen so many white beards in one place at the same time and in M 's neighborhood , the people frequently wore Salwar Kameez . In the U . S . all of his friends completely wore Western dress , so this was a bit new for me too . The other new thing was that I had never really been around M and his friends when they spoke only Urdu or Hindko . Here , there were a lot of his friends that didn 't speak English at all . M had spoken to his parents about me before , but it had never ended well . He decided he should call them and tell them that he had decided he was getting married . I set about doing other things to clean up the hotel room , repack , get ready for lunch , anything to pretend to not be listening to his conversation , but I TOTALLY WAS . He broke it to them slowly and then all hell broke loose . Apparently it started with his mother crying and then with his father yelling at him . His mother basically was sad that she wasn 't going to be arranging his marriage but his father was livid . The conversation ended after 35 minutes of mother crying and father and son yelling at each other . This wasn 't exactly wPosted by |
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